#die alone and lonely

[worthless-misery]

I hate myself.

I hate my face.

I hate my eyes.

I hate my ears.

I hate my nose.

I hate my mouth.

I hate my lips.

I hate my hair.

I hate my neck.

I hate my shoulders.

I hate my chest.

I hate my back.

I hate my belly.

I hate my hips.

I hate my arms.

I hate my hands.

I hate my fingers.

I hate my skin.

I hate my crotch.

I hate my thighs.

I hate my knees.

I hate my legs.

I hate my feet.

I hate my ankles.

I hate my toes.

I hate my smile.

I hate my laugh.

I hate my scars.

I hate my stretch marks.

I hate my bones.

I hate my body hair.

I hate my voice.

I hate my mind.

I hate my thoughts.

I hate my dysphoria.

I hate my depression.

I hate my anxiety.

I hate my eating disorders.

I hate my trauma.

I hate my nightmares.

I hate my past.

I hate my memories.

I hate my childhood.

I hate my adolescence.

I hate my adulthood.

I hate my existence.

I hate my life.

I just hate every single thing about myself so fucking much...

[makaelachanese]

I promise no one will miss me when I’m gone. They didn’t even miss me when I was alive.

[shadowbannedirl]

CA$H CART!

[kyouka-supremacy]

I really wish there were more fics that delved into how Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is different from his love for Dazai.

Tbh I just wish Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai were acknowledged more and I'm only now realizing it's so weird how nobody really ever brings them up? while it's all so evidently there. I mean, considering Akutagawa to be / having been in love with Dazai is seriously a perfectly feasible, consistent, realistic way to interpret the text without any need to bend or stretch it. It just makes a lot of sense for how his character is portrayed - his obsession with Dazai, his devotion, his desperation to be acknowledged and approved by him - and I think it's quite the important piece to understand his character. His love for Dazai is a significant aspect of Akutagawa's character, and it also explains why he's always been so vulnerable to manipulation by Dazai specifically. In a way, I think Akutagawa being so unmistakingly gay is also coherent with the way he's completely indifferent and even oblivious to Higuchi's feelings for him that lie at the light of the day– although, please note, that's a slippery slope that can degenerate in apologism for the way he abuses her, so I beg to be mindful when considering that.

Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai are in ultimate analysis extremely relevant for how Akutagawa falls and acts in the sskk picture: Atsushi being not the first person Akutagawa ever fell for, so in a way him being more aware of his own feelings than Atsushi is; Akutagawa falling for Atsushi first (and harder), because at this point he already knows he likes men, he already knows what being in love with someone feels like. But at the same time I believe that it's so interesting to explore how his feelings for Dazai are different from what he holds for Atsushi. On one side you have Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai being passive: not in the way he doesn't act after them, of course he does, but in the way he's always passively subject to Dazai's abuse, unable to stand for himself, blinded by his devotion to Dazai and unable to really see the damage he's causing him. Passive in the way that he's created this image of Dazai in his mind, perfect, god-like, static and unnatural, that struggles to evolve and adapt to reality. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi, on the other hand, is aggressive: always actively trying to hurt the other, always attempting to make the other suffer; it really speaks of someone whom, all his life, has always associated love with pain. Akutagawa hurts Atsushi because he knows love means pain, and he hurts Atsushi because he can't allow his love for him to hurt Akutagawa again as deeply and painfully as it's done in the past. It's a little sad. Ultimately, Akutagawa's love for Atsushi being the push Akutagawa needs to get over Dazai at last, something I fear he never really managed to do up to - I believe - at least chapter 53: getting over Dazai as something he gradually achieved after the soul-searching he did during his absence between chapters 53 and 84. Chapter 84 being the one where Akutagawa willingly, readily said “no” to Dazai in a way that was so sudden and surprising for anyone who knows him and that is easy to interpret as Akutagawa finally starting to free himself from the influence Dazai has had on him up to that point. That's why Akutagawa's sacrifice for Atsushi is all the more important and poignant, because him protecting (and dying for) Atsushi was never for Dazai to begin with.

I always always considered Akutagawa being gay and in love with Dazai to be like. the most evidently queer thing the bsd canon has to offer (and maybe the “you know the reason yourself don't you”, but I guess that falls under the bigger category of “Ryuunosuke Akutagawa is a character that is gay”); but now that I think about it, nobody ever brings it up really. I can guess it's probably because most people - including people who like Akutagawa and ship sskk - ultimately sympathize with Dazai, and even where acknowledging the hurt he's done to Akutagawa, don't really like to dwell on it or explore the relationship between the two of them which is... legit, indeed. Still, I think their relationship and Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai are a very important part of his character that shouldn't be overlooked when trying to accurately portray him.

And the rational part of my brain knows this can't be intentional, knows Akutagawa wasn't written to be read as gay. But there's another I'd dare say equally rational part of my brain that keeps speaking up to say the majority of his characterization - his devotion to Dazai, his (can I say? tender) sacrifice for Atsushi, his mistreatment of Higuchi - really starts to make sense only when you interpret him as gay. So, sorry???

[clownzaf]

Why hasn’t anybody done a Jason and Tim Au inspired on Wicked? Like Jason has to go to shiz to look after Damian for Talia and Tim has to play a silly persona.

What is this feeling? Was the whole reason I thought about it yes

[valewritessss]

Growing up as an only child people would always like talking to me and say I’m nice and generous then when they found out that I’m an only child they’d tell me “oh so you’re spoiled and don’t know how to share?”. And it was always so frustrating because why would I be spoiled? Yes both of my parents attention was only on me but they raised me right? And I’ve met people that are spoiled and not brats, like spoiled brat and spoiled are two different things.

And I love sharing and always have bc I never had anyone to share with so I like letting other people use my stuff. One of my friends that I did so many things for all of middle school (I gave her homework answers, pencils, erasers, bandaids, some of my lunch, gum, etc) told me that I don’t know how to share because I’m an only child. We’re not friends anymore because at one point she started rushing me to do my work so she could copy and she would not let me concentrate and she wouldn’t copy my shit while I was doing it and then she’d get mad at me because she was failing. But anyway, I was a little mad because you KNOW me, but you’re just gonna say that because why, exactly? It was like people were always telling me what I should be like and telling me that I don’t understand any childhood experiences.

And then I get told I must not know how to compromise just because I’m an only child? Like what? I will do anything to please you so what the hell are you talking about.

And people go on rants saying that parents need to start having more than two children because they hate only children. I’ve seen this so many times and it makes me a little sad because my parents tried, okay? Generalizing is not cool. They’ll hate only children just because they had a bad experience with someone that happened to be an only child. And then I’ll make friends with someone and when they find out I’m an only child they’ll tell me they never would’ve guessed because they hate only children. Thanks, I guess?

“You must not have a very good family bond” uhh why? My cousins are the closest thing I ever had as siblings growing up and I genuinely don’t understand when they would say this because it doesn’t mean I can’t bond with people my age.

“You probably get everything you want” i was told this just because I bought a new notebook when my old one ran out of pages. Again, what is the thought process here because it’s not like I can ask for anything and get it just because I’m the only kid my parents have.

I would say I’m lonely and want a sister and people would get straight up mad at me. “No you don’t you’re lucky” and you think there aren’t things I want that you have too? I literally feel so alone 24/7 but I guess I’m not allowed to feel that because at least I get privacy.

They also always assume I’m rich. I am very much not rich and I did have friends that lived in bigger houses and it made me so insecure about mine. Idk what it is about assuming only children are rich. I wish being an only child came with that bc then I’d never complain again. But unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

Anyways. This was a random rant. I just remembered that I would get so frustrated because I would literally cry from the fact that I didn’t have a best friend or someone like a sibling to talk to, and then I’d be told my feelings weren’t valid. I know this is such a non issue, but just sharing I guess.

[wreckrinho]

remember my Apocalypse tawog au? i did a "redesigning" thing ab rob in this au(?).. it looks like shit, really, i prefer the old design, but i just...i just cant draw.

You wanna now whar? Whatever Whateve rwharrver whatever whatever uugghhh

If you want, there are more things about the au below, I just...I'm tired so..yeah, ugly ass drawings

Rob and Penny are super friends. Penny even considers Rob like a brother and Polly loves Rob very much too. Penny helped him cut his hair in a way that covered the static on his cheeks (it worked amazingly, but he's really uncomfortable with the hair on his face)

he is trying to find a way to make a vaccine for those infected (The apocalypse is about the void) and wants to try to save everyone

Rob, during the time he stayed with the survivors (including Gumball), ended up falling in love with Gumball, Which is sad because Gumball thinks Rob is one of those to blame for the apocalypse...

He tries his best to save and find some survivors, infected or not. However, most people were afraid of Rob being another infected person or a zombie because of the glitches and static, so Rob became very insecure and even started hiding the static on his body.

[maskenwelt]

There's a reason why I keep it all inside.

[marlequinncos]

Watching The Terror and I feel like Peter Lukas would be kicking his feet and giggling with every episode

[swagging-back-to]

i do wholeheartedly believe gifting animals to elderly patients because they're lonely is the exact same thing as giving a kid an animal because they're bored.

both situations come at great cost to the animal due to neglect, abuse. in the case of the elder they have the very likely chance of being left unattended for a significant time after the person dies and having that trauma. many animals are placed in shelters after their owner dies, and then are euthanized.

[worthless-misery]

I would say today has been a bad day.

But that's been every day for quite a while now.

[sadiestarlight]

Shout out to all my fellow unlovable repulsive freaks out there. I know it's not worth much, but you aren't alone. I'm here with you.

[freckledsweetpea]

FUUUCK. I'm lonely and I want to be wanted and I want to want someone and I'm tired of wanting things that aren't going to happen for me 🗣️

[shakedog]

Loving all the takes on Hoffmans humanity n the psychology behind his eventual hissy fit but I feel like the biggest glaring issue in that mans psyche is the complete loneliness. Angie was his only family, she died. His workplace relationships all fall flat no matter how much he tries to socialize and then they all die too (by his own hand, sure, but you see what I mean right). He's hopeless but not in a needy way and people find him offputting. He doesn't even have any relationships of note with the jigsaw gang, John degrades him for bad work and Amanda loathes him for never being tested (and for being a cop), and who knows what Larrys got against him but it's clearly something bc he keeps sending him thinly veiled threats. Like it's just Hoffman and his huge honkers in this cold world. Then they put him in time out?? Baby he needs a therapist.

[milkyplier]

She lived outside more than in, but she knew where home was. It was common to see her lying in the garden or on the front porch. She would stare inside the house, but if you opened the door, she wouldn’t come inside. She looked grumpy, and terrorized the neighborhood dogs. More than one person was wary to pet or pick her up. Not me. I would go to pick her up and she would put her paws on my shoulder, as if to say “Yes, I want to be picked up.” I would scratch her and she loved it, and when she was ready to get down, she would get down. An older couple lived across the street from us, and they didn’t have any of their own cats, but they bought treats just for her anyway. She would hang out on their porch, too. She was a neighborhood cat, in many ways, and despite her dangerous reputation and ornery expression, everybody loved her.

In her final month, she was diagnosed with heart disease. At 15, it wasn’t surprising. Early last week, she stopped eating. A few days later, she disappeared. I searched for her. I called her name and shook the box of cat treats—a ritual with her. She never came. We all knew she was probably gone; she’d had disappearing spells in the past, but never preceded by a lack of appetite. Never under these circumstances. I still hoped she would come back.

In a way, she did. We arrived home from Church on Sunday, talking about searching for her again, and we found her. Lying on our front porch for the last time, wrapped in a plastic trash bag. We suspected the people who had come to take away the trees—fallen during Hurricane Milton and currently lying at the side of the road, to be taken away—had found her in one of the many piles, and somehow knew where to take her home. Her eyes were open, unseeing. I have read about the coldness of death, but not the hurt of really feeling it beneath fingers, tangled in fur that is still soft.

I have never lost a pet before. We rehomed our old dog when I was little, but he was happy and loved in his new home. My last moments with him were not a kiss transferred to an unfeeling forehead by my fingers. It hurts horribly. I slept so badly last night, my eyes ache from crying. At 15, Mittens was in my life for as long as I can remember.

I miss her.

Goodbye, Mittens. Dad says that animals go to Heaven, too, so I have asked the good Lord again and again to pet you for me, to give you a kiss and tell you that I love you. I will keep asking, until I can do it myself again.

[sherlock-is-ace]

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