#didnt see my brother all day because he spent last 2 days drunk and was sleeping it off today

[ramblingeekette]

54 degrees and raining on Christmas in Wisconsin

What the actual fuck

[bravo-four-seal-team]

Profile: Ashley Sawyer

Thought I’d share my OC profile so people know more about her when reading.

So yeah, here's Ashleys profile, basically how I remember what I'm writing

Name: Ashley 

Middle Name: Caroline.

Surname: Sawyer

Age: 31

Height: 5’3

D.O.B: 14/03/1990

Nickname/call sign:  Song Bird(when drunk and singing) , A.C, or Ash.

Occupation: Marine, joined in 2007-8.

Family: Older Brother Trent Sawyer.

Rank: Staff Sergeant (E-6 ) (10-11 years enlisted) 

Gunnery Sergeant (E-7) (12-13 years enlisted by 2021)

Emergency contacts for injuries in field:

Trent Sawyer 

Scott Carter (Boyfriend)

Amelia Carter (Friend) 

Trained in:

 Medical (First aid), hand to hand close range combat, heavy weapon combat, heavy vehicle combat. Long distance targeting.

Injuries/Trauma: 

3 Months worth of torture. 

Broken ribs, punctured lung, broken leg, dislocated shoulder, electrical burns, cuts/slashes, whip marks, waterboarding, starvation. Stabbed, shot. Taken out by walking into a door.

 jumped on a grenade.

Drinks:  Whiskey, beer, tequila. 

Personality type: is classed as a Defender trait, always ready to protect her loved ones, protect those who need it, dedicated and warm, loyal, though doubts herself at many stages.f

Personal Details:

Hair: Dark blond, almost brown. Shoulder length. Usually tied up in a bun.

Eye Colour: Grey 

Height: 5’3 (shortest in her family while her brother is 6’2)

Relationships: Dated in the past, engaged once.  

Wounds?: Multiple scars across torso and back. Along with Electrical burn scars on legs.

Children: None (though secretly wants a kid though.)

Phrases: “Well shit” “Well someone left me unsupervised” “Don’t be mad” “Fuck” “Oh boy” 

Car or Motorbike: Both

Shows and Movies: Historical, action or sci-fi, crime.

Music: Country, some sea shanties and classic rock and occasionally emotional songs.

Favourite Food: Anything that is not an MRE - she can cook, but only if she is really in the mood to make pizza from scratch. (However later finds a place with amazing Onion rings)

Most used swear: Shit.

Emotions: Chooses to ignore them. Just like her health

Health: Ignores that, gets hurt? No big deal. Sick?  Who cares? She doesn’t care.

Other :  

She hates spiders and is claustrophobic. Has a fear of hospitals, being left alone in one.

Does not like to talk about things going on in her head - will shut down and if annoyed will fight.

She won't care if she's bleeding out,someone else gets hurt and she needs to check on them.

Massive Fear of Needles, three responses, pass out, punch, complain/sarcasm.

2 tattoos, one on her shoulder of a Compass  and one on her ribs Marine logo with Semper Fi (only type of needle she isn’t scared of)

Hidden Talent: She can sing and is pretty good at it. And knows how to play guitar (deployments can be boring)

Facts:

She told Trent she had enlisted in the Marines when he had some downtime before deployment. (she was studying) 

She met Metal when visiting Trent, who at the time was not home. He was drunk.

She was held captive for 3 months and tortured.

She finds out Trent is in a good and stable relationship.

She has been part of the support for Bravo, when a Marine team is assigned. 

She has had the worst dating experiences. Her last boyfriend tried to kill her. - She woke up tied to the table and him preparing surgical items, she got out. He was killed.

Worries constantly about her brother - she is scared that one day it’ll be his funeral she attends. - but doesn’t know anyone on his team to ask them to have his back.

She joined the Marines because Trent got blown up, she never wanted him to be alone again on the field, she has been trained to provide tactical support to SEAL Teams, Trent is unaware of this.

Didnt speak to Trent for 5 years. - Massive fight 2012, later in 2017 reached out to him in August. 

Other Points

Ashley is confident, put her beside metal? She will be a flustered mess.

Ashley loves all kinds of animals, however she is really allergic to dogs, that does not stop her from petting every dog she sees.

She spends time at the shooting range. - Especially after arguments.

If she's hurting she shuts off from people and will not answer anyone.

If something traumatic happens i.e losing a friend - she will go radio silent, stop eating and nearly end up in hospital because of this.

She will hide when she is struggling, refusing to ask for help.

She hides injuries a lot. - She can literally have her arm in a cast and says “Who got injured? Wasn’t me.”

Will look them in the eye and steal their beer. (especially with Metal.)

She hunted Amelia down to see exactly what she was like, she ended up somehow befriending her.

Dating her 

She lives for being able to just cuddle. - or just have physical contact.

Her love languages are Emotional connection and physical contact. 

She is sensitive when it comes to scars being touched, or being asked to talk about what is going on in her head, (it probably runs in the family.)

Will steal her partner's clothes. Especially for when she's deployed.  Will walk around base in their hoodie to have a piece of comfort.

She's loyal, loves with all her heart once you get past the walls 

Someone hits on her; she just smiles sweetly and will promise to hurt them is they speak to her again.

Break down those walls of hers? You got yourself an Ashley for life. - She does not cheat, but always has a fear that her partner will as it's happened twice before.

Will admit things she won't tell her brother. - which is a lot. But only after she's managed to convince herself she won't be hurt by her partner.

Childhood 

Locked in the trunk of the car by her father for ‘talking about an unwanted subject’

Father and Mother did not want her, Father tried to kill her. Head smashed against the wall claimed she ‘fell downstairs’

Has always looked up to her brother (both for what he does and because he's taller) 

Had a stuffed bear in camo gear (Father burnt it one night.)

Would go see Trent off and be there for when he returned from spin ups and deployments. 

Was obsessed with Archery and archers from Robin Hood to Hawkeye. 

Spent time avoiding Trent as a teenager after his injury. - parents thought it would be easier for both kids. 

Cut her hair and dyed it and her father was angry. 

Did stupid stunts which resulted in a dislocated shoulder.

Was selected to do training for the Olympics in archery, dropped it when she decided to join the marines. 

[riofann]

Surprise Birthday

GIF by: @alfiessolomvns​

Warnings: alcohol consumption,cursing

A/N: Part of the Spooky Series

You looked outside the window just to make sure they weren’t pulling up “Alright Cesar you have to be in the front, he won’t shoot you but he might everyone else” you say as you place him in front of the door

“Oh so i’m the dummy?”

“Yup! its for your brother! Thanks” 

“Are they close?” he asks

“Waiting to hear from Baldie” you say as you check your phone  

“Isn’t that Baldies car?” Oscar asks Sad Eyes as he notices the car parked further away from his house than usual

“Nah that foo is on the other side of town, with some hyna”

He sat back in the chair. Glad that the day was over all he wanted to do was chill and sleep. Sad Eyes had kept him busy all day like you two had planned. 

A few more minutes pass and you get a text from Baldie telling you their location  

“Alright guys they are getting ready to pull up!” 

“Turn your phones off, turn the light off!” Cesar directs as you all crouched down 

You hear them walking up to the house, the keys jingling against the door,  as soon as the door opens you switch on the lights and scream a mixture of “SURPRISE!!/SOPRESA!!”

He backs up in shock hand behind his back on his gun “Yooo what the fuck?!”

“Don’t shoot” Cesar says, cautiously walking forward 

“What’s going on?” he asks still not wanting to enter the house

Sad Eyes pushes him inside “AHHHH get in there homie its your birthday bro you think we wouldn't celebrate?!” 

“Damn men you did all this?” he asks Cesar, looking around at the decorations, it wasn’t much but enough to signal a celebration was taking place

“Nah your girl did, but happy birthday Mano love you” 

“Love you too” 

He makes his way around the room receiving birthday wishes and greeting from the crowd before he makes it to you

“Surprise!” you say excitedly “You like it?”

“Yea.. you didn’t hav...” 

“Come on!” you say cutting him off and grabbing his hand, pulling him to the back where he they were cooking food. He remembers smelling the food and wondering who in the neighborhood was grilling, feeling hungry himself. “I got the owner of Apetito’s Food Truck to come cook for you!” Apetito was his favorite food truck in L.A. 

“You did this for me?” 

“Yes!” 

He feels a rush of emotion, but before he can express himself the Santos boys step outside. 

“Drink up big homie!” Lucky hands him a cup “we gotta get you fucked up! Come on!” 

He looked at you

“It’s okay go I’m not going anywhere”  you were actually watching the Apetito guys cook the food so you could replicate it in the future. 

After everyone eats you guys sing happy birthday to him. He’s asked to give a speech, when he does, he starts to get emotional halfway through and cuts it short saying “LETS GET FUCKED UP TONIGHT!” 

~~~A few hours pass and you two finally have a moment together, he walks up to you licking his lips rubbing his chin which causes you to laugh. You always thought he looked funny when he did that.

“You look good!” he comments

“Gracias guapo!” you say reaching out to caress his neck 

“You did all this for me?” he asks moving closer to you

“Yea!” He smiles leaning in to give you a kiss “Uh!Uh!” you shake your head pushing him away, avoiding his kiss

“What?” he asks seizing you up before looking you in the eyes 

“We are not....” He reaches for you hand and  holds it above your head  “do a spin for me”  You do so as instructed “damn you look good and you all mine?” 

You put your hand up to stop him “We are not together remember?” you point out the very heated confrontation you two had 2 weeks ago where he almost killed Sad Eyes, if it wasn’t for you blaming it all on you he would have beaten Sad Eyes to a pulp. But when you blamed it on yourself his wrath turned to you.  “What did you call me?” you look up at the ceiling, finger on your chin  “Oh! a thot? Puta? Prostituta? Verdad?? There were other words, and you kicked me out of your house told me to get my shit!” you recant jokingly. At the time it was shocking for you to hear all those words thrown at you but you knew that you couldn’t tell him the reason you were with Sad Eyes or it would ruin the surprise.

“I’m sorry bebita”  he apologizes sincerely, invading your personal space “Don’t be sorry Spooky” in the heat of the moment he had told you to never call him Oscar it was Spooky from here on out “and I’m not bebita, I’m Y/N remember?” 

“Don’t call me that. Come on what i gotta do?”  he pleads

You put your hands on his shoulders “Enjoy your party, stop worrying about me!”  there were issues you two needed to discuss and you didn’t want to sweep them under the rug

“But what if you’re my party”

You give him a look “I am not your party!” 

He laughs 

“Here take a shot with me!” you bargain grabbing a shot glass 

“You really not gone give me a kiss?” he asks in disbelief “just ONE kiss?” 

“Nope!” you hand him his shot glass “here to you and your birthday, salud” 

“Salud,How bout a hug?”

You laugh shaking your head “No hug” 

He throws his head back whining “come on mami please” he begs

You smile watching him throw a fit, without warning he leans into you causing you to have to support his weight “Oscar!” you complain in between a giggle fit

“Who's gonna take care of me then?” he speaks close to your ear 

“Cesar, Sad Eyes,” you state matter of fact  

“I don't want them i want you”  he says wrapping his one arm around your waist

You shake your head and hum “Mm-mm! Not me i'm going home after this, I’m tired this took a lot” 

He smacks his lips and stands up straight “you really gon leave me on my birthday?”

“I am with you on your birthday!” you argue

“Bebita lo siento!” 

“I know stop worrying about me, come on”  you say pushing him off “dance with me!” 

He smiles as you pull him into the makeshift dance floor. He grabs your hands and pulls you closer to him, he puts them behind your back and holds them there as he leans in for a kiss which only makes you lean back, you two play this game until he gives up, and puts his forehead on yours. 

“Mad at me?”

You shake your head

Letti interrupts you guys to say “Your girl got love for you Spooky, consider yourself lucky” “Trust me I know” “Happy birthday cabron” 

“Thanks Letti” 

When she walks away he returns his attention back to you

“So why can’t i get my kisses?”

“Because we need to talk and it's your birthday i just want you to enjoy all of it!” 

“Why can't we talk about it now?”

You shrug “I just..” 

Before you finish he cuts you off “No i want things to be cool between us now!” 

“In time mi rey. But in the meantime we drink and dance and eat cake and be merry!” 

He pouts 

“Come on it's your birthday, your family is here, you’re around good company” you try to lighten up his mood 

“Yea but you won't kiss me” 

“I don't need your kiss for us to be okay” “Yea but I do” you learned early into the relationship that one of his love languages is touch. It didn’t matter what was happening he had to touch you in some shape or form the only time he refrained was when you two were in public, but even then as you two grew closer he cared less and less about his reputation as ‘Spooky’ to onlookers. Plus it wasn’t like he couldn’t switch up in a moment's notice when needed. 

“How about kiss on the cheek?” 

“No i want our kisses, our special good luck kisses” 

“Friends don’t kiss”

“You're not gonna let this go are you?”

“Nope!”

“Fine i'll do what you say”

“FINALLY! Now let's drink!” you say as you hand him another shot  

~~~~The night proceeds as planned and by the end of it he is so drunk you need some of the guys to help you put him to bed. You spent the night but left in the morning, you had errands to run, you planned on returning later in the day, so it wasn’t a big deal. When you do return he’s still in bed. Laying on his back looking at the ceiling. You assume trying to get over a monster hangover.

“Hey” you speak softly as you walk in he lifts his head up before plopping back down on the pillow “You had fun last night?”

“You left me” he states flatly 

“I did not! I was sleeping right there!”  you say pointing to the space next to him, 

“So how come I woke up to you gone?” 

You can’t quite tell if he’s mad at you or he’s feeling the full effects of the hangover

“I had to go!” 

“Here you go with that i had to go shit” he hates when you say that

You giggle “Here” you say handing him bottles of Gatorade. “Drink these, i got you a sandwich from your favorite place downtown, go shower then we can talk”

He looks up at you and sighs before sitting up

“If I didn't care about you would I do all this?” 

He smirks before taking a sip of the drink “faking it”

Your mouth hangs open “how rude!” you say picking up a pillow to hit him with 

He erupts in laughter dodging your hits

“See this is why we need to stay friends”

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” he speaks quickly, trying to repair whatever damage was caused.  He pulls you closer to sit on his lap You cross your arms “Mhmm”

“I didnt even get birthday sex! So you can’t be mad at me” 

“Sex is no gift, told you that before” 

“Speak for yourself lady”

~~~~~Roughly an hour passes before he feels refreshed and ready to listen to you. 

“So what you wanna talk ‘bout?” 

“So!” you begin 

He chuckles, it was always funny how you started your ‘serious’ conversations. 

“Laugh all you want but we might not be getting back together”

His smile fell, “stop playing”

“I am not playing. I came to the realization when you almost freaking punched Sad Eyes you don’t trust me!” 

“I do!” he says reaching for you 

“You don't, stop” you say pushing his hand away 

“Why?”  

“I need you to listen to what i'm saying to you.” 

“Okay i'm listening mami” he sits back 

“Okay so after I came to the realization I decided that we can’t get back together until we address your trust issues. Then I started wondering hmm did i do something? Was there anything about my behaviour, anything that I said that warrants lack of trust from my boyfriend? And no! There’s nothing, maybe in the beginning when we are getting to know each other but no i have been what do y’all say? ‘10 toes down’ in this relationship and you my good friend you have been half way in half way out. You’re 5 toes down i don't know where the other five are they are somewhere in the abyss maybe with that girl that flirts with you every chance she gets”

He shakes his head “That's not true”

“So why don’t you trust me?”

“I do” 

“You don’t, not the way you reacted, it was like you had prepared yourself for something to happen. Or maybe you were looking for a reason not to trust me and I gave you the perfect excuse.” 

“Y/N” 

“Oscar, I got into a fight with my mom over you!” you finally reveal “Slap right on the face.” you point to the cheek that was slapped.  “Only for my boyfriend to be partially committed!” 

“I am committed, but you're right i do have trust issues and i need to work on them bebe” 

“Did i do something?” “No magdalena”

“Are you sure?”

“YES” he stresses 

You narrow your eyes not believing “Hmm”

He reaches for you and pulls you closer “Come here I’m sorry, i apologize, lo siento, what do i have to say?” 

“You don't have to say anything i don't want you to be sorry im not mad”

“You're not?”

“No i just want to know why” 

He remains quiet looking at you 

“You think i'm gonna get up and walk away one day? Is that it? I’m just gonna up and leave and be like ‘yup i’m done,  i don't care about you anymore have a nice life. I’m done with you, done with this shit’ is that it?”

Even though he says nothing he adjusts, and if you know Oscar like you think you do. You know you hit a nerve.You wait for him to respond but he just looks at you

“Oscar”

“Hmm” he wears a blank look on his face 

“I asked you a question!” 

He runs his hand down his face, and takes in a deep breath “yea, actually i do think one day you’ll decide you don’t wanna be with me” 

You move closer and rub his cheek “i would never hurt you like that” 

“But you will get tired of this gang shit” 

“Yea,” you say with a duh tone “who wants to live like this? But i'm not gonna walk away remember we talked about you walking away” 

He nods

“So we will figure it out”

You two stay silent doing nothing but staring at each other, before a smile creeps up on his face

“Why are you smiling?” you ask leaning back

He shakes his head, pulling you to straddle his lap “nothing just realized how much I love you, got me looking like a softie in front of everyone”

You roll your neck smiling “Got you eating out of my palm”

He pulls you in to give you a kiss, and after he is satisfied from the kisses he pulls back so he can look at you “We good?”  he asks as he caresses your cheek

“I guess we can reinstate our relationship status”

“So about that birthday sex..”

“Oh god” 

He laughs as he plants kisses on your neck. 

A/N: Alright tell me what you guys think! 

[sergeant-donny-donowitz]

The Intern (CliffxReader Pt. 2)

Pt. 1 :)

Requested by @perawuat​

@tealaquinn​

Let me know if you wanna be added to either the basterds or OUATIH taglist :)

You grinned widely as you reached for your diploma. You looked out into the crowd, your radiant smile reminiscent of a sunflower as you looked to the cameras and did a peace sign with your left hand as you raised your diploma with your right.

You finally graduated.

You had a big job in a hotshot Hollywood production to show for all your hard work.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...

You looked out at the crowd, spotting dozens of familiar faces.

You found your family among the sea of pride.

And by them, two empty seats.

Rick and Cliff couldn't make it. They were in Italy...

You sighed softly. It as a bittersweet moment. They were doing the best they could, you couldn’t be mad at them.

The next few days your family kept you fairly busy. They’d flown in from out of state. You didn’t mind the company. Especially since the summer felt a little empty without Rick and Cliff to deal with.

But as the summer wound down, so did your work.

You moved out of your old apartment, leaving Ziggy, Rowan, and Odie...

You moved into a high-rise apartment in west Hollywood.

It was your first time ever living completely alone. You had a place all to yourself, no brothers barging in or bathroom hogging sisters. No roomates.

And still...

....no Cliff and Rick...

Nothing....

You sighed, and muttered a despondent, “Groovy...” As you looked up at your new building.

You took a breath, and took the elevator to the fifteenth floor, and walked down the long hall to your apartment.

You stopped, seeing a bouquet of red roses at the doorstep. You wondered if it was from the apartments landlady... She seemed like an old fashioned person.

You picked up a card that came with it, expecting it to be complimentary.

But...you knew that writing.

You smiled a little, and sighed a little more cheerfully, "oh Cliff..."

You sighed, flopping onto the second hand couch from a garage sale that you’d hastily strewn in the middle of the empty living room.

Your living room.

You read the card.

Cliff apologized for missing your graduation and not being there to help with the boxes. He also added a million little things to make you blush.

You held the letter against your chest as you presided over the rows of brown boxes scattered around the room.

You smiled a little as you looked through the first box. The first thing you picked out was a framed picture of you and Cliff.

You smiled, knowing you'd finally made a life of your own, and that he was part of it.

And you knew you really had it together a few months later, when you were invited to a party. A big Hollywood party.

The movie you'd worked on had been nominated for a few Academy Awards, including for best cinematography...which you'd had a big hand in.

You met a few big names at the party, and a few familiar faces. The night was young, and you danced there with the stars and the writers that gave Hollywood it's lights. After a while you stepped aside to grab a drink. You looked at the scene, your new friends, and future.

Rick had been rigth all along... You were going to make it big.

As you took a sip of your drink, you overheard something behind a nearby table.

There were a few older and frankly snobby producers talking, and avoiding the younger crowd. They'd been talking about some projects they had been looking into.

The name Rick Dalton came up, and you raised your eyebrow in curiosity.

"Rick Dalton is an old, washed up chain smoking alcoholic has-been who's still waiting to happen!" The group of producers broke out laughing as he went on, "Won't be long till he drinks himself into a grave!"

Your blood boiled...

You'd been trying to get Rick to get help. You'd been making progress, until he had to go to Italy.

The producer went on, "Or worse. Lets himself go, gets a beer belly, and lets those pothead hippies melt his brain! And that pal of his, Cliff Boot."

One of the other producers corrected him. "Booth."

He nodded, "Booth. Killed his woman, didn't he? What's he still doing on sets? Bad luck. Don't want Dalton or that scumbag anywhere near me."

Another man stood between you and the circle of snobs. He smiled, "Say, aren't you that talented young lady what worked on that western?"

You nodded, "Yes, sir."

He smiled, "Say, O'Mara, this is the young lady that worked on Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid!"

The producer that had been ripping on Rick and Cliff turned around, with a wide, yellow, broken grin, reached his hand out to shake yours, but you stepped away in disgust, maybe hurting your relatively young and vulnerable career. 

But to you  it was worth every second seeing those snob's blood boiling.

"Don't get too cocky, O'Mara. You wrote Rick Dalton's first check, and then ripped him off when he got too big for you. Of course he's having a rough time, you all turned your backs on someone that made every single one of you a pretty goddamn penny, while he and Cliff are scratching and barely surviving. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, listening to that fucking rumor like a bunch of teenagers listening to Paul Anka. The man's a war hero, for crying out loud, and you're a fucking draft dodger. So no. Don't ask me to shake the hand of a man who turned his back on people he owes everything to."

Before things escalated, the man that had attemtped to introduce you to the producers stepped in, spoke fast, made them laugh, and ordererd drinks all around.

As the producers picked up gossip about other 'has beens,' the mystery man took you aside, "I like your work, and I like your spunk, you're a good kid."

You smiled a little, and he went on, "How about I let you in on a little secret, kid? All those old boys back there? Tearing apart actors because they’re jealous. And when they’re not with each other, they tear each other apart, because they all want this." He raised up a briefcase.

"What's that?" You laughed a little, seeing the quirky, odd character gripping the case as if it were worth the world..

He smiled, "Well, kid, this here's the next big thing in Hollywood what's gon' get somebody an Oscar, or an Academy Award round this time next year."

"So you're a writer?"

He nodded with glee, "Writer, director, as of now sole producer. But I still need my crew, and my stars. And kid, I seen the wonders you've done down at NBC and for that picture. So, once I get this show on the road, are you willing to get in on it?"

You could not have felt happier, "Absolutely!"

He smiled, "Well then, I need some stars, don't I? How about I talk to your friends about this, huh?"

"M-my friends?"

He nodded, "Mr. Dalton, and his stuntman, I hear they're a damn good team!"

You nodded, proud that some people still knew them as what they were, "That's right, sir."

He smiled, "I pictured Rick in this role. It's not exactly his regular western character, but, it's new, its fresh! It'll give him a new face, a new chance! I see him as...." He grinned, looking into the distance as he waved his hands, as if the name was appearing in front of you on a screen, "Hudson Murdock! International spy!" He sighed in satisfaction, "We’ll knock Bond out  of the water! And probably knock that guy, Cliff into the water!"

You both chuckled, and he asked, "Think they'll be interested?"

"I think so, sir."

He smiled, "Please, kid, call me Rudy!" He handed you a business card, and then a pen and a paper so you could write your number, Rick, and Cliff's down for him.

He took the paper after you were done, and hid it away safely with the script he guarded with his life, "Be in touch soon, will ya kid? They'll be home from Italy, soon I'll bet."

You nodded, "Yes, sir."

He titled his head, "Come on, kid."

You sighed and smiled a little, "Rudy."

He smiled, "Alright, that's better, kid." He gestured to the growing crowd of young party goers, "Go on, have fun before the real work starts!"

Despite the rocky moments with producers, and the inevitable burning of a bridge or two, you couldn't get over the fact that you'd just gotten Rick and Cliff a new big shot in Hollywood...

Still, the adrenaline and fun started to wash down the more the night went on. By the time you were home that night, you were a little more than just uneasy.

Cliff was supposed to call you and let you know he'd made it home safe with Rick.

You were sure they wre going to get blind drunk together, 'one last time,' thinking it was the end of the line...

Of course, they didnt' know about your development...and you'd let them have their fun for the night.

You could wait a million years for Cliff.

Or...you thought...

It just wasn't like him

Even in Italy, he called you every single night. Now that he was home, there was no excuse.

You spent the next half hours or so debating and reasoning with yourself....

Maybe they knocked out because of jet lag? Maybe they were drunk because they drank on the plane? Maybe the phones weren't working? Maybe he went straight to get Brandy? Maybe he wasn on his way to yours?

The possibilities were endless....

Still, there was that constant, nagging, feeling wringing your heart...

Ringing...

The phone was rining.

On the third ring, you picked up.

It was Rick.

You glanced up at the clock.

12:55 AM...

Your eyes went wide as Rick quickly and calmly tried to explain every thing that happened in the last half hour without giving you a panic attack.

12:56 AM...

"HE WHAT?!"

Rick replied, "H-he's o-k, don't w-worry! He-"

"He got stabbed! And-"

"He-He'll be ok, Y/n, everything's fine!"

"And you? Are you ok?!"

He chuckled a little out of tension, but mostly because he just missed hearing from a friend like you, "I'm uh...I'm actually at the neighbor's right now. Everything's ok, Y/n, don’t worry."

"The Polanski's?" You felt a little ease in your shoulders, knowing Rick finally got what he'd been wishing for for months.

"Yeah..." You could practically hear the smile, "But I'll meet you and Cliff bright and early tomorrow. We're ok, honey, don't worry. Get some sleep, he's ok."

"Ok..."

Rick sighed, knowing you better than you gave him credit for, "Oh, and Y/n?"

"Yeah, Rick?" You held the phone between your shoulder and your cheek as you reached between the couch cushions for your car keys.

Rick chuckled, "Drive safe."

You smiled a little and shook your head once.

You practically raced to the hospital, giving Cliff and every other stunt  double in Hollywood a run for their moeny.

Your heart skipped a beat, stopped, and broke al at once when you saw Cliff again... After six months...t felt like a lifetime,

And it felt like even longer seeing him like that.

You knew he was going to be alright. Rick told you so. The doctors told you. The nurses told you...

But you didn't believe it until you saw him for yourself.

"Cliff..."

He looked up at you, clearly tired. Of course, the acid, the fight, the stabbing, and the morphine were behind that. Still, he shifted trying to get up to get to you.

"No, no, stay down, it's ok..." You sat by him, rested your hands in his and smiled softly.

To him you were nothing less than an angel...

Especially with the drugs (legal and illegal) and the bright white hospital lights behind you. "Y/n....you...you came? Told Rick to tell ya to get some sleep I-"

"That's crazy talk."

He took your hand and pulled it up slowly to his lips, and kissed your hand softly. He looked up with soft eyes, "I'm sorry, baby...I should've gone home, should've gone to see ya..."

You shook your head, "If you had, there's no telling what would've happened...Best not to think of that, not now."

"I'm sorry I missed it."

You shook your head, and rested your hadn against hisncheek, "Best is yet to come, Cliff." You smiled cheekily.... you'd tell him about the party the next day.

Until then... You gave him  a kiss, and said, "Get some rest, Cliff."

"Only if you do, baby..."

You nodded, "I will, I will."

He chuckled a little, through the meds and drugs, and mumbled and hummed "Dream a little dream of me..." as he fell asleep, holding onto you desparately.

Somewhere deep in his mind, he was scared you were a hallucination...He wanted to hold you enar and dear. He wished Italy and that night never happened. He wanted nothing more than to be by your side.

When you woke  up, it was nearly noon, and the sunlight was streaming through the blinds. You'd fallen asleep on the chair by Cliff's bed, with your head against his chest. His arm was around you still. And you could hear the warm hum of his voice through his chest as you woke up slowly.

You could hear Rick too.

"Goddamn, Y/n and Francesca are gonna get along, they sleep like logs."

You smiled a little as you stood up to hug Rick.

He smiled at you, and shook his head, "You wanna tell me how the hell you managed to save me and Cliff's careers in one night?"

You shrugged, and playfully "Hey, when you got it, you got it."

Cliff guffawed, but then immediately held his wound, "Shit, Y/n, you oughta be the one carryin' Rick's load then!"

You rolled you reyes with a cheaky smile and sighed, "Anyone would've done the same."

Rick sighed, "Oh, honey, you don't know Hollywood just yet."

Cliff said, "What we're tryna say baby is thank you."

"Ah, it's nothing." "You got us some work!" Cliff looked at Rick, and they were both relieved, knowing it wasn't quite the end of the line. "We knew you'd make it far..." Rick saw the way Cliff smiled and looked at you. It was all clearer now that Cliff wasn't wearing sunglasses. Rick smirked a little, as he chuckled, "I'll go ahead an' leave you two alone for a while." You covered your face as your rubbed your eyes, "Oh, come on Rick!" Cliff chuckled, "I wIsH!" You looked to Cliff, "Cliff!" He laughed a little as he reached out for you. You heard Rick closing the door as he left. You sat by Cliff again, and he kissed you. "Told you everything would be ok, kid." "Yeah?" "Yeah..." He nodded. "Rick was right. You made it. You're not just an intern anymore...and me and Rick are gonna be ok, and you n me are more than ok." You smirked a little, looking down a tthe ground for a moment, then back at Cliff, "Yeah, we are..." He rested his hands on the sides of your face, his thumbs pressed against your cheek. It wasn't something he did often, but you weren't complaining. Because in that moment, everything mattered. The past six months had been hell, and the past night was a nightmarish trip. His blue eyes were wide open then. Everything realy was ok... And you could see that in his eyes: The hope and love the 'washed up' stuntman hadn't felt in a decade or two. And he owed it all to you, the intern.

[connormurphy98]

@sincerely-us Dear Evan Hansen Secret Santa!!!

For my Giftee @lattelesbien

    Happy Holidays! I’m so glad that we are both participating in this amazing thing! I actually met my best friend, the person that is running the blog that created the secret santa this year, through a different Dear Evan Hansen secret santa 2 years ago. I hope that you enjoy and have an amazing holiday! - Makenna (ConnorMurphy98)

    “Hey Connor!” Zoe said excitedly on the phone. It had been months since they first started to try to repair their relationship thanks to Evan, so talking on the phone like this was still new to him. “Are you coming home this year for Christmas? I miss you and like…. I already got you your gift so…” Zoe sounded hopeful on the phone. 

    If he was honest, he hadn’t even thought about it. Christmas was never really his thing. Maybe it was the whole “not getting along with his family” thing or “my boyfriend is Jewish” thing, but either way he hadn’t even given it any thought. 

    “I’ll talk to Evan, see what his plans are, and I’ll get back to you how’s that?” He said, sipping hot chocolate, Evan staring at him happily, knowing he’s on the phone with Zoe. 

    “Yes! Sounds great. I’ll talk to you later? I’ve got to head out for work. Love you Connor.” Connor responded with a quick, “Love you too, bye” before hanging up. He had a small smile plastered on her face. 

    “SO!” Evan jumped up quickly, wrapping his arms around Connors neck. “We’re going home for the holidays? I better call my mom” He kissed Connors cheek before adding, “I really am proud of you and how far you’ve come babe. Really. You’ve worked so hard to make things good with Zoe and here you are! Saying love you on the phone, spending the holidays together. Look at you go babe.” Evan kissed him again quickly. “I’ll go call my mom, and we will go figure out when we are headed home. Love you Con” 

    The next couple of days were filled with packing, plans being made, and Connor stress buying a gift for Zoe because she had mentioned she bought him a gift.

On one of the days Connor finished work early, he decided he should maybe spend time with the hectic shoppers and find something for Zoe. He didnt want to get her anything too big because then if she just got something small he would make her feel bad. 

Hes probably putting way too much thought into this.

He went into her favourite store, he knows because shes mentioned it a couple times and before she had her own licence he used to have to drive her there all the time. 

Shopping has never been his forte. No. He actually quite hated it. He hated the amounts of people, and the pressure on buying the right thing. Usually Evan was his angel on his shoulder to help him but of course they work opposite shifts all week. 

Finally, after what feels like an hour of looking through this store, he finally finds something Zoe might actually like. He picks it up and tries it on too. It's a nice colour and really soft. 

He picked out a really nice navy blue scarf that had Evans stamp of approval too, and then they were off. 

    “CONNOR!” Zoe yelled when they pulled into the driveway, running to the car and tackling him with a hug as soon as he stepped out. “Hi to you too Zo” he laughed and hugged her back. 

    Taking a look around, the house actually looked…. Amazing. The snow just fell last night so it looked so peaceful and untouched, and the decorations were very mature. Must have been his mom that picked them out. 

    “Come on, let’s go inside. Dad’s just at work still, but mom decided to cook something not vegan as a treat since you’re home.” He and Evan laced their fingers and made their way inside. 

    The next couple of hours were spent catching up, and eating and drinking wine, even though Zoe Connor and Evan were all underage still. Cynthia insisted that she treated them because “it isn’t like they haven’t been drunk before.” 

    “Okay okay okay okay. Connor I didn’t get you anything big, but like. I’m just really happy we are friends again. Evan, thank you for giving me my brother back.” She hugged Evan quickly before handing Connor his gift. He felt so awkward about all eyes being on him, so he gave Zoe her gift to open at the same time.

    They open their gifts at the same time and they both start laughing so hard. “Oh my god stop.” Zoe laughed so hard when she looked into the bag. “You’ve got to be kidding”

    Connor and Zoe take their gifts out at the same time and see that they got each other the same scarf. They each wrapped it around their necks laughing. “I guess we are more similar than I thought,” Connor laughed . 

    Evan insisted on getting a picture of them together, in their new dark blue scarves. It was just perfect coincidence that they both got the same gift, kind of showed how well they knew each other now. 

    The next day, Evan was spending time with his mom, and Connor and Zoe decided to go for a walk out in the snow, after stopping at starbucks first and getting hot drinks for the walk, obviously. 

    “Thanks for coming home,” Zoe started, “Really, I know that it’s never really been your holiday before, but it means a lot to me” Connor nodded because he was really glad he came home too. Everything has been going so well here, even with his dad. “And Evan being here is nice too! I’m glad you have him too.” Connor took a sip and smiled “Yeah, he’s amazing.”

    They spent so long talking and walking. Talking about Zoe’s plans for college, and her crushes, and how her final year of high school was going. Eventually they both had freezing toes and were ready to go home. 

    While they waited for Evan to come pick them up from the park they were walking at, Connor lit a cigarette. Zoe just looked at him, her face kind of scrunched up. “I know, I know I’m trying really hard to quit, I’m down  to like one ot two a day now instead of like, half a pa-” Connor was cut off by a snowball hitting him. Zoe suppressed her laughter.

    He put his cigarette out, obviously not fast enough because a second snowball hit him. “Hey asshole!” Connor laughed, picking up some snow and throwing it at her.

    They did this for the next 10 minutes, running away from each other. By the time Evan picked them up they were soaked and out of breath. “Looks like you guys had fun.” Evan laughed, turning the heat up more in the car to make sure they didn’t freeze. But if there was one thing that Connor knew for sure, is that his heart was so warm being home for the holidays with her. 

[storyofmyownlife]

End of The Decade

I started this about 9 years ago for a very simple reason-I was hooked on the tv show called Akward. Jenna, the main protagonist of the show, likes to write blogs about her life as a way to cope and express how she feels. Awe inspired, I decided to create my own anonymous blog with the hopes that cathartic venting and documenting the past can help me navigate the present. For the last couple if years, l had been given many opportunities to taste the bittersweet feelings of life. Truth to be told, I have never thought I would be here writing this blog to end the decade. The earlier entries can attest to this. Ten years a go my life was in shambles. I had a broken family, broken English, and the broken will to live.

My father, two siblings and I arrived in Canada on April of 2009 to finally live with my mom. With little regards of the past, I cherished the brand new start to live a life without prejudice. I felt very little emotion when I left the Philippines because I knew deep down I could finally escape the invalidation of others of how I suppose to love. Of course, then, I was naive to think that I wouldn't felt that way ever again- I was completely wrong. It did not take long before everything start to turn sour. Us siblings did not get a long. We did not group together and we did not know how to live with one another. My mom and dad started to fight a lot. Almost every night. My dad started drinking a lot for many reasons that I know now and understood, but not completely forgiven. He misses his old life back in his home country- the life of the party and his other family. My mom push him to work and help with bills. Just like my sister and my brother and I, My mom and dad did live apart for many years. The feeling of living with my whole family was foreign to me. A month after arrival, the incident happened. The police came and for many months the social worker came and visit us. The resentment between us siblings began to build up. For many months, my brother and I blamed my sister for telling the truth. Knowing what I knew now she did the right thing. Nevertheless, my brother and I alienated her.

I also had broken English. I did not make a lot of friends in Grade 8. I was that loner kid who would spend every day during lunch alone and would walk on the school ground by himself. My sister and my brother got their own friends. I wanted to make my own but couldnt. On the bright side, my brother became friends with the guy name Denver. He is one of the only few people in our lives who never left for the past decade. He is still with us.

I started high school. I made more friends who are Filipino. We all kind of form this group. Denver is also part of it. Within that inner group, we had more inner clique called cajibo. I'm not going to disclose who they are because I no longer associate myself with them and it does not matter. There were also four girls who called themselves kimfejeny and they became part of the inner group. Regardless of what happened in the end, they taught me a lot of things about life. For the first time, they made me feel what is like to find a family in a group of random strangers. I must admit they helped us work throughout with some of the traumas. We had crazy dreams together, we spent so many adventures together, and they taught me the life is not as simple as black and white. It all ended because I cared too much and told the truth when it was not my place to do so. Inspite of if all, there were some silver linings to it.

I worked hard to improve my english and move in advance english. My ESL teacher helped me a lot. I improved my academic performance in no time. I also began to developed new relationships. My brother and I became more close to Daniel, Alen, Kith, and Alden. I also began to listen to Taylor Swift's music. She did help me cope with unreciprocated love, broken hearts, and the unpredictability of life. I swear I had crush on couple of people at my high school. I'm just gonna name them here for memories sake- adam, alden, aiah, and andrew.

As time went by, I started thinking about my future. After taking few courses, I knew that I have a passion for literature and history. During my junior and senior years, I took classes in philosophy, history, and law. I was no good in math. Science was okay. I actually got the biology award college level and made it to the honor roll in grade 11 and 12.

In my senior year, this girl name Chelsea asked me out to go to the prom with her. I tagged a long with her friends. They were also friends kimfejeny and some members of cajibo. It was an okay time. I didnt really have an ecstatic time. Suffice to say, I got to go so it was a check for one of my bucket list. Since I'm on the subject, I also went to Red tour concert instead of going to my own school prom. Ed Sheeran performed with Taylor swift! They were both great. Another item checked off!

On my last year, I was also determined to move out. My mom was very supportive of it. We started to look for school. I got in to all of the ones that I applied to. I was torn between u of t and Mac. To be honest, I would not have considered or let alone knew about mcmaster if it wasn't for Andrew. I visited both schools. I thought that u of t provide more classes and opportunities for what I wanted to do. But, I wanted to have an experience like those in movies. Also, deep down I wanted to run away in hope that I could find myself and be. I decided to go to mac

My brother and I graduated. I said goodbye to my favorite high school teach who gave my brother and I a gift. But she did not need to because she has already given me so much and more. The summer was filled with excitement and anticipation. I held a get together before I leave for college. I said goodbye to my friends and left a note for my brother to read. There were crying involve because I felt that I did not deserve them at all. They were so good to me and I was not in return. That summer was bittersweet.

I started my university experience. I would not go in a lot of details because I pretty much documented my first year here well enough. Grace, Shane, nicole and devone made a difference in life, especially Grace. She saved me from myself.

In second year, it was interesting because it started off as bad. I was seeing this guy and wanted to be with him but couldnt. I also was very insecure about myself and my sexuality. Everyone went on dates, make out with someone at the party, etc. I risked my life a couple of times in pursuit of getting the same experience. With the help of my friend and after going to group support, I got through it all. I started joining clubs: board games society, humanities,etc.

Devon came back. Turns out he is bi. I've always liked and wanted him. I had wanted his approval but It was an impossible task. He was drunk and toxic. He liked one of my roommate to who kind of like him too, but did know it was right. She was also the only person who knew about my feelings towards him. Suffice to say my relationship with Devon was severed after the end of that year. Shane was also a drunk and feel like he would not approve of my sexuality so I cut my relationship with him slowly.

I also started dating someone name T. It was an okay relationship. He was a really good guy but I don't think we were meant for each other. I loved how he held me, but I knew I was not the one for him. I was not a good boyfriend to him. I think I tried to look for things in him that I want from my partner. Older, and hopefully wiser, know now that it was wrong. I ended it.

I had great times with my friends and old roommates. Spontaneous drives, adventures, and they gave me opportunities to experience things I never experienced before. Like going to demetris, hiking to trails and falls, random trips to McDonalds etc. Alicia also became my support on my last year at mac. I also became hers as well.

When graduated, I did not find a job immediately and was kind of down. I started to work out to motivate myself. I lost about 75 pound in a couple of months. With the help of family friends, I got hired at a law firm. I learned a lot of things from there. What it's like to practice law, experience to use office equipments, how to network, etc. The perks were great. But the coworkers and the work are not as great. Couple of coworkers come and go. 2 years and a half I still work with them. I also met Ashley, Selena, clarice, bryce, mike. Fun fact: Ashley's wedding was the first wedding that I attended that was not affiliated with my family.

A year ago, I woke up one day and decided to apply to post grad HR program. I was supposed to apply right after I graduated university but I knew I needed to take some time off. But, that day, I was determined to start a new. I got in to the program but was not able to start until last january. The program taught me so much about myself and others. I worked like I've never work in my life. In the end, I got 3.64 GPA. I've made friends and enemies.

My friends from high school that I mentioned before are still with me to this very day. We've gone through so many late night adventures together! I finished my internship last week and I now work as a full time employee at COC. I've traveled couple of times outside Canada for the past 2 years.My family and I recently went to punta Cana. I'm hoping to go to either Mexico or California next year!. I know in my last post I may have mentioned my struggle with the changing times. I know everyone in my life is starting to build their own life without me and that's okay. It is part of growing up. I'm also having short term memory lost lately but hopefully I get better. I'm hoping that my friendship with mike and Bryce would last longer. I wish my family the best in this new decade.

They say, life gets tougher as you grow older. My hope is I became tougher and more resilient still. I will ride the every changing tides of time while always looking up to the daylight.

I'll tell you the truth but never goodbye.

December 31st, 2019

Ps: pic 1 shows the books that I accumulated and read over the years. Pic 2 my favorite things the I received and owned this year.

[haonqq]

30 Day Yinro Challenge: Day 1-9

All of this ended up longer than intended so its 9 days under the cut lmao

1. the basics: introduce us to your watcher!

You enter the walls of Caed Nua, met with the sight of milling guests and locals alike, small market stalls lined up. It almost appears akin to a small village, people going about their business, be it building, shopping, watching the speech in the foyer you can’t quite hear from your distance, or perhaps attending worship in the small, homely church. It certainly wasn’t what you’d expected from all of the ghastly descriptions of the place from merely a year ago. You peel your eyes from the sight and make your way towards the Great Hall, but as you approach, looking like one to proposition the local thayn, a guard stops you. “You won’t be findin’ him in there.” She gestures behind her at the large door, cracked slightly but seemingly empty. “This time a’day he’s usually out by Brighthollow, working in the garden or cookin’. If he hasn’t been stolen off to help out with some other chore.” What she’s saying doesn’t quite make sense, and you aren’t inclined to believe her, but follow her directions back towards this ‘Brighthollow’. Passing through a few groups of gossiping locals, you find the building matching her description and look around. Nobody seems to be in the garden, though it does seem recently tended. The kitchen seems to be your next stop, but as you make your way towards the door, you hear something like a curse above you. Squinting up into the afternoon sky, you manage to spot a shingle as it slides off the edge of the roof, managing to move out of the way just in time to avoid it landing on you. You look up again to see an elf. You blink again, having not believed the rumors of a pale elf being the new thayn and owner of Caed Nua. “Oh, gods, sorry! Did it hit you? I should have been more careful, slipped right between my hands!” He looks as apologetic as he sounds, wiping a wrist along his forehead, thin locks of strawberry dusted pale hair sticking to the sweat on his face and neck. “Here, let me just-” And within a moment he’s down the ladder and in front of you, checking you over carefully before wiping a fleck of dirt off your shoulder, then clapping his hand there. “There we go, good as new!” It was harder to hear from above, but its clear he isn’t from the Dyrwood. Rauatain, if your memory is to be trusted, but he speaks Aedyran clearly enough. He smiles as he looks you over, crow’s feet wrinkling at the corner of his eyes and it’s only now you notice their striking pink color. “Ah, my apologies, Yinro Manaaki, Thayn and Lord of Caed Nua at your service. I take it you’re here to speak with me?” He starts out maintaining eye contact with you, but as he continues on he squats down to pick up the bits of broken shingle from the ground before standing again. You nod your affirmation, though you’re not sure what to make of him. He seems genuine enough, and the name matches. He smiles again, so genuinely you can tell everything he’s telling you is the truth. “You have excellent timing, I was just finishing up fixing the roof.” He disposes of the shingle pieces and wipes his hands on his pants, already dirty from previous wear. Then he gestures forward and takes a step towards the Great Hall, waiting on your before moving along, keeping at your pace. “So, what is it I can do for you?”

2. appearance: what race is your watcher? what do they look like? any scars, tattoos, or markings?

(photo by @riessene because its just,,, so good im cry)

I touched on a few things in the fancy dancy intro but! He’s a pale elf with strawberry blonde hair(though its on the lighter side) and of the lighter blue skin variety. Naturally, he’s covered in those white freckles because i love them He has two prominent scars, both on his face

The first is the scar on his mouth, which crosses both lips. While in a,, disagreement fight with his older adopted brother Branwen, there was always some shoving and punching and the like, but Branwen got a solid hit on him and Yinro managed to catch his face on something sharp and it just sliced through his lip and its healed but never really gone away,, The other is on his cheek, down to his jaw and he actually got this one when he met Aloth! Unable to talk the drunks down, Yinro assisted Aloth with taking them out for their safety and managed to catch one of the weapons on his cheek since he’s an idiot and doesnt use weapons when he fights and with everything going on with lack of sleep and all its unlikely it healed to full capacity and so it will remain for all his days

(im debating on one over his eyebrow at the beginning of Deadfire but that depends on how That starts exactly also debated on a tattoo but lbr i forget his scars all the time im good lmao)

3. personality & alignment: give us a look into your watcher’s personality! you can use theirmyers briggs type, d&d morality alignment, or just describe their motives and quirks.

As a start, Yinro is bordering the Neutral/Chaotic Good alignment, sticking closer to the Trying to keep lawful, but also following his own moral compass as to whether the Law is truly Good. He is however a supremely good person and tries to remain as honest as possible without putting someone in danger that doesnt need to be. While he is, as Eder put it, the type to “get involved”, in cases where the punishment seems deserved he won’t step in. However, while he does genuinely try to be good and make good decisions, part of it is attempting to make up for past wrongs and trying not to dip back into bad habits. He also has problems, because of that and misunderstanding teachings, avoids his anger. He used to let his anger pretty much control him, back when he was first adopted, and made a lot of trouble for people who didnt deserve it. He was supposed to be learning to control his anger and work with it and not let it control him, but ended up suppressing it in the long run. (which is going to be a primary Personal Conflict in Deadfire cause BOY is he pissed). But ultimately he’s a benevolent person and believes the best of everyone and believes that anyone can make up for their mistakes in the long run if they’re willing to try.

4. sexuality & gender: how does your watcher identify? is this important to them, or have they never given it much thought?

Gender hasn’t really been much of a focus for Yinro and he’s never really given it much thought. He probably thought about it a bit when literally soul searching provided his previous life was a woman, and if he didn’t already view gender as more of a biological thing than a soul bound thing or important at all, he’d probably be more fluid but he’s comfortable identifying as a man in this life.

Yinro is strictly attracted to men, both romantically and sexually, and is pretty important to him. While I dont think Rauatai in particular is against same-sex relationships, I think in his mind considering before being moved there he only lived with his mother and didn’t really interact with much anyone else he probably heard a lot about het relationships moreso thank gay ones and so when he got to a romantically interested age, he had that barrier of ‘but I SHOULD like women’ when realistically he was repulsed at the idea. It was a big part of realizing who he is and is much more important to him than gender.

This being said, he is a very touchy person (touchy being like. Physically touching peple, he enjoys physical contact) and isn’t opposed to being as touchy with female friends as long as they’re aware theres no romantic inclination there.

5. background: what’s your watcher’s culture and background? tell us a bit about their life before traveling to the dyrwood!

Yinro spent the first 20 years of his life in The White That Wends living a nomadic life with his biological mother. His father was still alive, but the relationship with his mother was purely to produce a child for her. She was a hunter, and decided clan life wasn’t for her, and so that was where Yinro grew up. An unfortunate accident after being ambushed by slavers hampered her mobility, and ultimately resulted in her death in an avalanche. This left Yinro travelling alone with no hint as to where a clan may be or really anyone at all. He lasted alright, knowing how to hunt and survive there, but that didn’t prepare him for the slavers catching up, trapping him and ‘escorting’ him to Rauatai for selling. He didn’t spend long in servitude but it was enough to twist his sorrow from losing his mother into an anger that would permeate the next 10 years of his life. Naturally when he managed to escape servitude, he was a scourge of the streets. Petty theft, shakedowns, anything to get by. After he was picked up by a kind dwarven woman with a knack for picking up troubled youth and adopting them named Vianna Manaaki, this behavior continued until he met his mentor. His mentor really kicked him a new one, but became almost like a father figure to him, even if he was temporary. After that, Yinro began to shape up and make amends for his previous wrongs and becoming a role model for his younger siblings and gaining some semblance of a normal siblinghood with Branwen, though the resentment for the trouble Yinro caused his mother was still there. He began making amends to a local tavern owner by washing his dishes, steadily becoming more and more interested in cooking while watching him in the kitchens. Over time, the owner began working with him to the point that Yinro was a full fledged assistant chef. Once the management changed, Yinro decided that was his time to set out and find somewhere he could really call his, always feeling a bit outcast. He set out for the Dyrwood after hearing about cheap land, hoping to find an inexpensive place to live and settle down and make a living off cooking. Then we find him with the caravan and WELL,, chefing didn’t work out.

Due to him spending a majority of his life in Rauatai, I went with the Rauatain Laborer background, though he does still follow some TWTW culturally, he’s more in tune with Rauatain (initially he was a drifter but ultimately didn’t fit with his bg)

6. family: who does your watcher consider family? do they place more importance on blood relatives or found family? do they keep in touch after traveling to the dyrwood?

Yinro always considers his birth mother family, but considers his adopted family (even Branwen) just as much family as she was. (guess who’s got nine fucking adoptive siblings, though two are older than Yinro) And while he does consider his companions family as well, there’s a different context, familial but definitely more on the ‘found family’ variety, whereas adoptive family are basically blood relatives in his his eyes. He was doing well keeping in contact with them on his way and at the beginning of the trip, but as things got more hectic and he got more tired, he didn’t want to worry them so he sent one final letter reassuring them that he was just getting busy and wouldn’t be in contact for a while. He has since resumed regular contact post-game.

7. stats & class: give us a rundown of those sweet, sweet base stats. do they line up with how you envision your watcher from a roleplay standpoint, or are they more gameplay based? do they line up with your watcher’s race and class? how did they begin training in their chosen class? (bonus! will they be multi-classing in deadfire?)

Not technically the stats i used in game, since these are from one of the replays with the laborer bg and more context to what the stats actually do. I try to stick closer to a roleplaying form rather than gameplay, but try to keep a clooose balance between the two, making it possible to do the things I want Yinro to be able to do as well as keep close to how he actually is. I think he is not nearly as perceptive or smart as the average elf assumedly is, he’s a lil bumpkin with no formal education but he’s not stupid either. I thinkkk its pretty good Monk stats though (okay he DOES have perception but he’s too much of a dingus to do anything about what he sees) I briefly touched on it in the bg question, but! (okay im changing how they met right now because i just came up with a better idea here we go lmao) Yinro was shaking some people down late at night, when his master(monk master/teacher is what i mean by master in this story) walks by. Of course, being in this part of town for a while he’s heard of Yinro, little shits got a rep. He waps Yinro over the back of the head with a his staff, knocking him down and dazing him, letting the two he was shaking down go but turning back to Yinro is able to recognize the pain and and anger behind his actions. Gives him two options: get turned over to the guard(again), or become his pupil and move past this. Yinro, conflicted but also WANTING to change and grow, took him up on the offer. And so for the next couple years he trained him in both combat and discipline, and Yinro stopped being so much of a little shit.

The plan IS for him to multiclass, but I’m not sure if I want him to be a Shadowdancer or a Brawler,,

8. fighting style & gear: what weapons and armor does your watcher use? are there any talents/abilities that they favor in combat? are there any that they refrain from using, for moral reasons or otherwise? (bonus! will they choose a sub-class in deadfire?)

A good portion of the game I had him in medium armor, but realistically he’s more likely to wear light armor(aka basically,, regular clothes,, with maybe a leather vest, MAYBE) He also didn’t use any weapons, depending purely on his little gay hands, though come Deadfire he’s realised that,, maybe he should,, use weapons and right now I have him using a sword/sabre in his main hand and dagger/stiletto in his off hand but thats subject to change depending on subclass and how viable monk is Debating on the Shattered Pillar subclass for monk, but Im not sure about a multiclass subclass (maybe avoid a subclass for one for simplicity’s sake)

9. reputations: what are your watcher’s dispositions? do they line up with how you envision your watcher? what are your watcher’s reputations? do they work to maintain any reputations, either good or bad?

Remember how i said Yinro was a good boy? When have I EVER lied to you?? I will say I didn’t play with dispositions on so a lot of the stoic options (esp the Hiravias one with the raw meat. Also Yinro would eat raw meat just not That Part) I was playing off for comedic effect which is. Really funny if you consider Yinro just being bad at jokes

Reputation wise he didn’t explicitly try for anyone to like him besides the Crucible Knights and that was so he could get into the peace talks since they seemed the closest Law without consorting with criminals or,, u know the Dozens,,, neither of which he was a fan of (he had some drawbacks with the knights ofc but less than the others) Which is probably why he ended up with some places only seeing him as a hero rather than a champion And some places,, not liking him much at all

[sammlethal]

Anyone ever tell you that they do not love you? At that point when you have stars in your eyes and that person fills your heart to bursting? Have you ever given someone every single emotion there is to give? From rage to tears of joy? Emotions from both your personal stock and theirs?

Its like we live in a time period where actual love is dead. Everything is selfish. Everyone. Me included.

My father quit on me. Packed all mine and my siblings belongings into small plastic shopping bags and dropped us off 6 hours away in my mothers neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I had to hold my brother and sister's hands while knocking door to door, looking for my mom. I was 12.

That was a couple years after the era of beatings, after the era of divorce. After that Friday afternoon day at school; my mother was the school bus driver before the divorce. Everyday we rode home with her. Until my father picked us all up. It was fun for us kids. We NEVER got picked up, and by our father! What a thing! He drove us to our pastors house. We did not see our mother again for almost 5 years. In the State of Virgina, in the late 90s, it wasnt considered kidnapping for a biological parent to take off with the kids if they stay within state lines. And my mother must have given up after that. I imagine the evil that was my real father, and how crushed and scared she must have been. Only now do I know what it is she felt.

That was after the molestation of me and my sister by our God father/Sunday school teacher/the churches singing coach.

Then there was my first love. I was 17. She was 16. By 19 we had a daughter, her name is Serenity. My ex was a freak. My demanded things from me that I could not give her, not physically. So in order to keep her and my kid, I let her have her satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess someone screwed her over because she fabricated these fake police reports about a guy who kept coming after her and she said she called the cops over and over and he wouldnt leave her alone (she was 6 months preggo when this happened) and she didnt feel safe and I beat him up. I beat him up bad. Almost killed him. Turns out she lied and he had been paying her for preggo nude flicks and videos amd she felt he still owed her money. So she used my insecurities and my nature and set me on a course that led me to 5 years in prison. Then she left me. Yeah I know. I'm a fucking idiot. My only defense was that i was young and dumb and in love. Or so I thought. No really...i thought it was the right thing. That I was protecting my small, new family. And damnit man, family means the world to me. Probably because mine has been so fucked up lol.

Anyways I get out in 2015 and I meet a girl. She rocks my world in all new was and we CLICK. Like...humor and taste and the world issues we care about and nerdy things and the SEX IS ON FIRE. And I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I broke her heart. I got drunk. I started the road to becoming my biological father.

Then she left me. Which was biggest, greatest thing she could have ever done for me. I went spiraling out of control and ended up living in the woods.

Until she calls me one day. I had a new girlfriend. We did not CLICK lol...and as soon as me and her spoke I turned to that girl and told her we were not gonna work out.

You see. Me and my lady had a son together. A beautiful, handsome as hell and adorable baby boy. And he really became my world. I walked 7 miles to meet him. My feet had popped blisters by the time I got downtown and saw them. The whole time I'm walking I'm hopping she didnt leave. That she would wait. And she did.

Then I messed up again. I scared her. That time between when we broke up and when she came back...i did not do good. I found cocaine and alcohol and it led to a very big fight between the two of us. That night we fought I have never been more like my father than right then and there. And I payed for it. The next morning I was arrested. No one thought of rehab. No one had the sight to see the root of the issues. Or no one cared. It was back to prison for me. A parole violation.

I got out. We tried again. I failed again. Only this time nothing horribly bad had happened. She just wanted an escape. I know this because she has since told me so. That she wasn't IN LOVE with me and needed an escape. We had been split up almost a week. I will never forget. It started on a Wednesday night, I left and went to my mothers. That following Sunday the police beat down the door and arrested me AGAIN. Only this time nothing bad had happened. Not really. She just didnt want to be with me. And so she sent me away. For two more years. 2!

I get out. I find peace finally. I start taking care of mental health.

She comes back! Again! And once again I leave my girlfriend at the time, who by the way, had a heart of gold and did not deserve to get caught up in mine and my lovers drama. I will forever feel guilty about that and I hope she forgives me over time. But at the end...no one can replace my son's Mother. She is my other half. My best friend.

We've been going since April? May? It had been a few years and I had just gotten out a few months before and the Covid just hit so I was trying to get the family court papers started. I got in touch with a private detective to find her so I could have her served. The the last thing I expected was to get a call from her.

And here we are. I am struggling to learn all the important, fundamental life lessons that my parents failed to teach me. I am struggling to learn those crucial relationship lessons we learn when in our twenties...that era of my life that was spent locked away.

All i want is my family. Is to be loved. And to ve able to return that love. My life could have went a few different ways. But here I am, doing the right things as much as I see them. I beat myself up when I fail. I work hard doing general construction. I'm good at it too. I start school in the spring. Nothing fancy just community college. I am an awesome dad. An awesome lover. And I have a huge heart.

ALMOST every single day I am with my little family. My son's Mother and my son. She doesnt want me to move in...which I understand. She claims to be an introvert. Which I also understand. (Along with beating, my childhood was also spent locked in my room, grounded, for days on days on days).

And dont get it wrong. Me and her have some issues. Mine (I think?) are just basic life things I'm trying to wrap my head around, like I said, the things my parents failed me on. But at least I know that. I admit it. And I'm trying. Because I'm a good man who has been through hell and because of that hell, I love with a feirceness, I don't give up. I am patient. And I generally have a positive outlook on life. I would I am doing good, all things considered. Her issues? Jesus fucking Christ. You would swear the world is ending right now.

She is constantly breaking up with me. For example, this weekend I gave it to her in a way neither of us have had...im talking sex here...we both have this...fetish, both of us (how rare?) And we both click when we do these things. Anyways I left her empty of all juices. Then I massaged her a little that night, telling her how good and amazing she is. Then another nice massage a day or so later. She thanked me after the last one (massage I mean)...saying how her back didnt hurt in the morning and how she got her yoga done.

And now we are broken up. Right now. Again. It was last week when it happened. She calls me on Wednesday or Thursday and says that I got in her head. Then this awesome weekend happens. Then an awesome start to the week. Then tuesday, doing construction, I think i pulled something in my leg or gave myself a small hernia, because after work I was in pain and sore. I asked told her I wanted to stay home. Rest up. That the next day we were supposed to start this big window replacement job. 20 something windows. But no. We argued over it. I dont know why. I think she just really missed me. Or so I thought. And said she needed help with our son. She always says that, then when i get there and dinner is over, the rest of her night is spent on her phone (which she is sneaky with), on the TV, or MAYBE catching up on homework. Says she is tired after a long day of working from home, on the phone and computer. Doing IT. But I do physical labor. And if I complain that I am sore or tired she just thinks i want to sit at home on my PlayStation or watching netflix, instead of taking the responsibility to be there for our son. Which remember, I am ALWAYS THERE. Unless she has decided that I am horrible, in which case she breaks up with me, and I spend the next couple of days hurt and crying and missing my family. I can not move in with her and my son. She does not want her family to know. (My mother told me she would disown me if me and her got back together. But it did not stop me. Because i am a man, and she is my woman. He is my son. And this is my life)....and is so stressed and anxious that will find me over there. I have actually, more than once, had to run and hide because her family popped up.

So yeah, I walk over there. This was Tuesday. The day when I think I pulled a muscle. I walked. She says that the only reason I walked was because she had to yell at me. But man...see these text. You would swear I am the world's largest dick head. In reality she said all these things in front of my son. That night I touched her. Massaged her just a little...soft touches. We made love. I woke up throughout the night with leg cramps. Woke up the next morning so tired from lack of sleep and hurting leg muscles. Called the doctor. Had to miss work. Turns out that yep, I gave myself a small hernia. Then WALKED on it lol.

So when we talked yesterday. I told her that the doc is pretty sure I have a hernia...my appointment was today and yes...yes I do have a little hernia. Doc wants me to rest but I'm pretty sure I have to work. Anyways so yesterday, before she picks our boy up from daycare (by the way, kuddos to you moms who work from home AND have kids to deal with at the same time. You girls are superheros!)...which I agree with daycare. He is an only child and he needs interaction with other kids. It's important for his development. Anywho, she ask me before picking him up if I want to come over. I tell her no, tell her what the doc said. By this point I have been there everyday since Friday. While on parole and breaking cerfew and worried about that. (Which I got questioned on. If I didnt worry about parole before, why now? And I dunno. Thats way of anxiety? But good thing I did because he came by this morning and I was here. Had I been there with her, I would have been here and would be on my way to a big ole parole violation. But no. In her eyes I dont do enough. I have to be there every day, no matter if I'm sick or sore or in pain. That is what she said. That a real parent never quits.

I'm just so confused. I didnt quit. He can come over here to my place whenever he wants. Ive told her this. I have told him that. Of all nights for the two of us to stay at our respective homes, last night was it. I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND CAN BARELY MOVE.

But she broke up with me again last night. Or better yet, said that we have been broken up. She said she doenst love me anymore.

How? Literally all we do is laugh. Have amazing sex. We are awesome parents. I literally dote on her. Massage her. Touch her softly. Like for real, I EMPTIED her of all juices, have seen her cry...actually cry, from pleasure. She makes 50x more money than I do, but I still give her money because I don't want to feel like a burden.

I dont get it. I really don't. I give the shirt off my back. Gave myself a hernia. All I want is belong to a family that doesn't quit when the anxiety comes. Who doesnt take a lifetime of anxiety and stress and then blame it on someone else simply because they are what is in front of you at the moment.

How can someone be so smart and not see that? Or not want to?

Its 2020. We live in a world that encourages us to lie to ourselves. To lie to ourselves about our nature. We all believe we are good. Harmless people. Who would never hurt anyone or cause ill will. What we fail to see is that yes, we do cause all of these things, and then some. We are not perfect. We are human. We will hurt other people. We will lie. The great tragedy of the world isnt this in and of itself...these different hurts and heart aches are as old as humanity is....war, peace. Love and hate. The great tragedy is that we have been led to believe that we are beyond that, that we good, perfect people. And so when we do hurt others, its not our faults but theirs because how can I, this wonderful human being in the modern age, ever hurt someone? I have a car, a job, I'm a good parent. I'm a good boss. Whatever it is. We justify who we are by our level of success. And this is wrong.

And when she ask me why I love her after everything. Those moments when we both see the truth and see who we are, those are the moments when she ask me how I'm the world I can actually love her knowing all this. Dealing with all this. How? And I dont have the answer. I just know that my heart beats for the two of them (her and my boy) and it always will and I really hope one day she comes around. I'm waiting for that.

Some men find that one lady, that one lover, and there is nothing else after her that we want. She has it all. And that is me. That is her.

I love you

[missjackil]

Time for Some Dean Meta

I don’t normally meta on Dean, but I think he has a whole lot going on and I want to share my thoughts on it.  Ill start with my theory as to why he is content on counting Mom as dead, and why he burnt Cas’s body. I feel like he feels done with the whole dying and coming back to life thing. Ill flash back to when Bobby’s wife came back from the dead, and Bobby had to kill her after a few days. While she was on the pyre, Sam says “Wll you got to spend a few more days with her, that must have been nice” and Bobby said “It makes this about 1000 times worse” I feel like thats where Dean’s head might be at. If theyre gone, let them be gone forever, so I never have to do this again.  Along with that, he needs to blame someone, and Jack is getting the brunt of it. Jack didn’t kill Cas, Lucifer did, but Jack is Lucifers son, which makes him guilty in Dean’s eyes. So now everything thats happened since LOTUS and everyone theyve lost is because of Jack, or at least that’s how Dean is seeing it right now. So now we move on to 13x3 and Dean is even more harsh than he had been. He even went as far as to accuse Sam of using Jack for his own needs and pretending he cares. Of everything in the last 3 episodes, this here is what I find most OOC  If anyone knows Sam doesn’t pretend to care. if he shows care, it is because he genuinely cares. In fact, in 13x2, Dean told Sam he’s getting too attached, so he knows Sam cares and maybe cares too much. So why this accusation? My thoughts below the cut 

I feel as though Dean is projecting onto Sam what he is realizing in himself. With Cas, Mom, and even Crowley, Dean only called them when he needed something. In the 9 yrs he’s been friends with Cas, I dont think he ever spent time with him, just to spend time with him, outside S5 when he wouldnt let him die a virgin, and that “You’re our brother Cas” talk with him in S11.He would call Cas when he needed help with a fight, or Sam was sick, or missing, maybe call him when they need to be healed, but never just to hang out. Crowley and Dean werent friends in that capacity, but Dean always had a soft spot for him, even early on when Sam wanted to kill him as soon as look at him, Dean would be the one to calm Sam down. By S10, and Demon Dean, they had some weird frienemy thing, but still, Dean would call him if he needed him. Mom was the same actually, Dean was angry and uncomfortable when she was being anything but his mother.  The drunk angel in 13X1 told him he was “Becky” someone who uses people and their things, and breaks everything and thinks its ok because its his/her world. Honestly, i dont think Dean means to do this at all. I just think he gets caught up in whats going on that he gets self obsorbed. However it has been mentioned a couple times throughout these later seasons, mostly by Crowley, that The Winchesters have a habit of using people, then they end up dead when they dont need them anymore. Thats really not a correct assumption, but it would appear to an outsider that they do this. But dont think for a minute that either Dean or Sam wouldnt be there ASAP if you need them. They definitely would. But even in the case of Benny, once Dean was topside, they only communicated if Benny needed Dean, or in the case where Benny was suspected to have killed people. Dean finally used Benny to save Sam when trapped in Purgatory.  Of all the relationships Dean has had, his relationship with Sam stands out. He’s the one person Dean likes to do things with. He calls him constantly, they enjoy hanging out together, they both want to retire together, or die together, and well into their 30s, they want to live together. On that same note though, Dean takes his hostilities out on Sam. Seasons 11 and 12 seemed to have ended that but we see now, it hasnt gone too far. My opinion as to why Dean gets so hostile with Sam, we need to go back to Seasons 1 and 2. They argue amd bicker through S1 but its pretty benign and theyre both dishing it out. In S2, its different, its more Dean losing his temper. I think, when John died, Dean wanted to take up where they left off with the family business, but expected Sam to fall in line like he did. Sam is fine with Dean leading the hunts, but he isnt gonna let Dean lead every aspect of his life, and there wont be any “yessir” I think this hurts Dean. Not so much that he cant make Sam do what he says all the time, but because he himself always did what Dad said, and he didnt have to.  If you listen to Sam explaining Dean to Jack, you can understand why Sam still thinks the world of him dispite the anger and hostility. He knows Dean means well but he gets scared, angry, frustrated, and his wires get crossed. This doesnt prevent Sam from being insecure at times, he knows Dean loves him.  Im not into demonizing either brother, or excusing all their behavior. They do definitely have a psychotic, irrational co dependency, and right now theyre very frustrated with each other. We saw Sam reading Drama and the Gifted Child, and having it turned to Depression and Grandiosity, two points of denial, On the surface it appears to be for Jack, but I bet he’s taking it in for Dean as well. Maybe 12x4 and the trip to the Family Therapist will do them all some good.  A girl can dream :)

[theprincessserenity]

I love you all

I’m kind of new to Tumblr. I thought it would be a good Idea to catalog everything that happened at RTX and my life changing experience at the 2nd RWBY Panel. My name is Serenity, Serena for short. And I had the greatest day when the people I idolized and admired gave me a hug after I told them my story...and what followed after will be with me for the rest of my life. I love you guys...if its TLDR just skip to Day 3.

Day 1

This was the hardest day for me, I have some pretty bad social anxiety to the point its hard for me to go grocery shopping alone. So being among a bunch of strangers and I mean tons of strangers was pretty terrifying. The lines were agonizing, we waited for almost 3 hours to get into the expo hall. I made small chat when I could with a girl next to me who was dressed as a baseball player and a girl who had purple hair who is a Yang cosplayer named Lydia. I stuck to my room mate and his friends like I was their shadow cause I didnt want to get left alone. They knew how important it was for me, I wanted to meet Arryn and Barbara and tell them how much they mean to me and how much the characters they play mean to me. I met a friend I made on facebook who was cosplaying as Ruby (She is so cute). I got a few compliments cause I was wearing my “Bitches love Canons” T-shirt. My room mate suddenly grabbed me and pointed to the side and there basically all alone and walking through the Expo was Lindsay. I bee lined towards her, and no one was around and I just went. “A-Are you who I think you are?” And she said “Yep!” She signed one of my favorite Ruby images I printed out and took a picture with me. I asked her if I could do my Ruby impression which I am pretty good at and she told me to go for it so “Yaaaaaaaaaang”. Throughout the convention I took a lot of pictures of great cosplayers, I really admire cosplayers being able to do that and it looks so much fun. I also found a guy that works for RTX who responded to my email inquiry with a rather heartfelt response...I told him I would try to find him and give him a hug. Low and behold the first person I ask was him and I just threw my arms open, he was pretty excited and so was I. At one point I got separated from my room mate and his friends and started to panic. I went outside and just found a spot to huddle down in the shade and started desperately texting. I have a tendency to look down and avoid eye contact with anyone when things get overwhelming. Thankfully one of my room mates friends who I find really reliable came and found me and rallied the others so we could go back to the hotel room and eat. After that I just decompressed...had a few drinks at the empty bar at the hotel room with my room mates reliable friend. After that he told me to come out with him to meet up with some other people from the con that wanted to hit a bar and relieve “Line Stress”. I was kind of apprehensive about it cause I prefer quiet places with barely any people. Buuuut after the few drinks I had I was feeling loose so..why the hell not. I met up with TK and Melissa...two amazing people. I got plastered, I had so much liquid courage and with Melissa with me she and I were just doing whatever was fun. We talked and I poured my heart out about how much I would love to meet Arryn and Barbara and tell them how much they mean to me. I got so plastered...yet I was just talking to random guys from the Con without any problems who gathered around our Jenga game. I even did my Cinder impression. After a wonderful night I road some sorta gondola thing back to the hotel...I was so drunk I totally spent 45$ for it instead of 10$ for an Uber.

Day 2

Hangover city, but something about last night...Melissa and I had poured our souls out to each other in alcoholic fassion. I felt really good and comfortable. Today I was able to traverse the con without any problems. I took more pictures of Cosplayers and fangirled out to a 2B cosplayer (I love Nier). Bought a bunch of shirts but I had one killer headache. Lydia came and found me and showed off her Yang cosplay...which was awesome and did a Bumbleby pose with me and her friend took pictures for me. I tried to go to the signing panel to hopefully wait in line and meet Arryn but they would not let anyone in unless they had an Autograph code...and they filled up before I could redeem mine. I was pretty upset after that. That plus a killer hangover pretty much killed my aspirations to do anything the rest of the day...I went back to the hotel room and just laid in the bed and took some headacke medicine. The one good thing about the day...MORE METAL DETECTORS AND LESS LINE WAITS. The roomie and friends went out drinking again but I passed and stayed at the hotel to nurse my migrane.

Day 3

This was my last chance. I got up early left the hotel room and got and Uber all by myself. Went to the convention and B-lined for the Ruby panel and managed to get a seat near the microphone. Everything was great I am totally buying box of pumpkin petes. The moment they said “We’re going to open up for Q-” Anything that was said after that wasnt heard because I had severe tunnel vision. I was out of my seat following the two guys that I sat next to. I managed to get in line but at this point I started panicking. So I just picked a spot on the floor and looked at it. Every time I looked up and saw my face on the screen I thought I looked horrible and quickly looked down again. I felt sorry for the guy I sat near that brought his RWBY fan video thing and was told to give it to the guardian. Everyone was crammed in real tight and it was sort of an uncomfortable situation. I felt really bad for the guy who asked for an autograph for his sword. Ok so, dont ask for autographs. Then it was my turn, I was absolutely terrified. I wanted to make it short and quick for the people behind me so they can have a turn. The original thing was going to be: “I love you guys and I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. When I came out I was basically abandoned by my family and my brother threatened to beat me up if I ever went near his children. There are three things that bring light into my life: Thats my friends who have become my family, My boyfriend (Who introduced me to RWBY BTW), and RWBY. Barbara, Yang means a lot to me because she has the confidence I dont have, I want to be like her. And Blake means the world to me because I know what its like to be discriminated against because of what you are, and not who you are. I love you all an I look forward to seeing more RWBY in the future” bow...exit stage left...thats not how it went down. I got as far as Barbara...I saw Miles get up and run down the isle and I lost my shit. Miles ran up to me and hugged me and its really hard for me to remember what he said cause I was just so shocked. I think it was something like “You are a beautiful wonderful person and we love you” and then all the sudden I feel more arms around me and I look up and its OMFG Arryn and Lindsay. I rememer hearing Arryn say “Wow her nails are really cute” And I just remember whispering repeatedly “Thank you so much” to Miles. Then Arryn came in for a hug and I just died. I wish I could remember what she said, but I was just so shocked...I think she said “You are a beautiful person” but I just kept saying “Thank you so much, I love you, you mean so much to me” And then Lindsay came up and I was like “Oh Hi again” and kind of smiled a bit and gave her a hug. Then I could hear Vic asking for my name. So I said Serena...but that came out all squeeky so I said it again. And then there was a moment where nothing was happening so I was like. Should I continue speaking or what?...I was not registering So being just an absolute wreck I was like “So Blake means” and that was just shattered by the very gentle voice of Vic. “Look around this room cause you are surrounded by thousands of friends” I was just...so happy...hearing the applause...I tried to look around so it was like...People clapping and cheering...floor...people clapping and cheering...floor...and then there was a pause. And I asked “Do I continue?” and then just turned and spoke “I just wanted to say that Blake means a lot to me because I know whats its like to be discriminated against based off of what you are and not who you are. And Barbara (Meant to say Yang but I was a total mess) means so much to me because she represents the self esteem and confidence I wish I had” and I just had to stop because I started losing it. So looking at the floor again. I heard Barbara said she was coming down...more hugs...more hugs. And then I look up and Barbara! Again it was really hard for me to remember everything specifically cause I was in such shock that this was really happening. She said something akin to “You are a beautiful and amazing person and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. You had the confidence to tell everyone your story” Or something like that...god I wish I could remember but it was just so surreal. I thought Barbara would get a kick out of the Image I had on my Binder and she laughed. Miles gave me another hug and said more wonderful things and I asked him “I know I am asking too much and you guys are busy, can I get you guys to autograph this?..Maybe later?” (Afterwards I felt really petty and bad about asking for this after they gave me such amazing hugs and an experience I will never forget I guess I was just trying to have something to remember the moment) and he said “I’m really sorry, we’re all really busy right now but I will autograph something for you real quick” and he signed my camp camp flag. So I returned to my seat and just...kind of stared at the floor. I was trying to calm down. Everything else that was going on around me was just a blur, then all the sudden I hear Barbara “Serena where are you girl?” So I looked up from the floor and raised my hand and she brought me a YANG FIGURE THEY ALL AUTOGRAPHED. ( Image 1 Image 2 ) and I was just smiling and sort of in a cave woman mode.  I didnt even realized it was signed I was like “S-S-Sign?” (Again felt really petty and bad for that but...I was not functioning in the brain properly at the time) and she just pointed at it and I looked down. Whabam...they had all signed it...I was dead “Thank you so much, thank you so much” was really the only thing I could make out and she went back to the panel. It all just came out...I was crying and my hands were shaking...everything after that was just a blur.

After the Panel (THIS IS AMAZING)

People were filing out and I was just sitting there crying. My friend who I met on facebook and meeted up with at the convention who was cosplaying as Ruby came and sat next to me. She had tears in her eyes and she just hugged me “You did it!” and we just sat there hugging and crying. I looked up and standing there oh so patiently waiting for us to finish our moment was Chivy Oum. The tears came again I said “Oh my god its you. I was looking for you the other day” and I just moved in to hug him. I told him. “I know what its like to lose someone, I lost my sister. I really feel for you. I love you so much” (I lost my older sister in an accident when I was 13). And he just spoke in a calm voice. “If Monty was here he would have loved hearing what you said, he would have loved this” And I just cried my eyes out. Eventually we parted and I just hugged him a bunch more...then sat and hugged and cried with Ruby again. A few people just came up and hugged me, said wonderful things. A guy came up with a foam replica of Gambol shroud and said “This was the last one they had, you deserve this” and he just gave it to me. I was just smiling and just so emotional I hugged him. Then a guy in a grim mask with a cane scared us...cause he came out of my periph. He quickly took off the mask and said he was sorry and took off the mask and hugged me and said what I did was very brave. At this point a Guardian came in and said we had to get out and I walked and talked with Ruby. On the way out I was hugged by a few more people who said nice things and at this point I just had to calm down and find a nice quiet place. On the way out I got approached by a person who said “I don’t normally give hugs but you deserve one” and she hugged me. For every hug..I always said thank you. I finally made it outside and sat down and just decompressed. Some time after an older woman who was cosplaying as Kali came outside and sat next to me. And she told me how she is a mother and she loves and supports her son no matter what and she cannot fathom how my family cannot. And we just talked and talked and shared stories. I felt so calm and relaxed around her...and she gave me a cigarette (I needed one, but I RARELY smoke). We had a long talk about our lives and things like that and we exchanged contact information. After calming down a bit I went back inside and one after the other there was a person there to give me a hug and tell me that I’m part of the family now. People told me that I am brave, people told me how touched they were by what I said. Some people asked if I wanted to go to the quiet room with them but on the way there I got stopped by a guy who asked me for my autograph. I was like “Seriously? Um...wow ok” and...I accidentally pocketed his sharpy (Old habbit I picked up in the Air Force “Every Good Airman always carries a pen!”) I went to the Expo hall to get a souvenir for my friend. And I ran into two guys who told me that this is what Rooster Teeth is about. I’m part of one big family. And they said a lot of nice things. Picked up some souvenirs and was making my way out. A girl stopped me and asked me to sit with her and her friends. We talked and stuff like that and hugged and she told me she is an artist and she gave me a sketch of Blake Belladonna. We exchanged contact information and talked for a while and I had to head out..more hugs from random strangers...more kind words...and then I had to stop a Cinder Cosplayer and take her picture. “Hey arent you that girl from the Ruby Panel?” So I told her yes and she gave me a hug, and I gave her my best Cinder Impression ever. There was a beautiful girl with her...she told me what I said hit home for her cause she is Trans. Immediately I told her “I could not tell, you are just so beautiful and I love and support you” She opened up about how what I said hit home to her...she was recently fired from her job...just cause she’s Trans...that is so fucked up. I told her how horrible I thought that was and how stupid of them. We talked for a bit and exchanged contact info and parted ways...I was going to find a nice quiet spot to relax. On the way up the escalator I noticed a guy jumped out of his seat and smiled and moved over to hold up his hand...I just reached down and shook his hand I just smiled and said thank you...and he said something I could not hear but it sounded like “Your awesome” and that just made me smile. I went all the way up to the third floor where it seemed like there was not a soul. Everywhere I went at the convention I was approached and hugged it was just so moving. Checking my messages on my phone one of my friends told me Twitter exploded and sent me a link. Barbara retweeted “This” I never used Twitter before so I was trying to figure that out...I just wanted to tell her thank you. Then another girl walked up to me and threw her arms open and I stood up and gave her a hug. Even leaving the convention center it was hug after hug after hug. I stopped a few more cosplayers and noticed they were looking at me like they wanted to ask me something. So I was like “Did you go to the RWBY Panel?” “Yeah was that you” “Yeah” more hugs (Each hug is followed by nice words btw). I honestly cant remember the last time I got so many hugs. Some people asked me to show the figure they signed and gave me. And just so many people told me that I am part of the family, I am brave, I am courageous....really I am just flattered more than anything that something I did touched so many people. Finally after a day of many hugs, many kind words I got back in the truck and we drove home. On the way home I mostly spent the long drive talking to the many people I exchanged information with, wishing them safe trips and thanking them. When I got home...well I am a Role Player and actively Role Play as Blake and Yang and a bunch of Role Players heard about it and gave me This when I got home. Thank you Winty Mint! <3

The Day After the Convention.

I was so happy, I posted about my experience in two of the facebook groups I joined some time back. Bumbleby Bae’s and Ozpins Army. I got so many wonderful comments and the admin of Ozpins army was apparently three guys behind me in the Q&A Line. He said he was going to run up and give me a hug but Miles beat me to it. The entire day was spent talking to people and reading lovely comments and then someone linked me the vid on youtube...it all began to sink in and I just started crying again. I posted a comment on the video about my experience and that too was followed by nice things...but also some bad things. Some people were pretty upset that I shared what I did. They said “The rules said no Downer stories” I honestly swear I didn't hear that...what did hear was Kerry said he would like to hear stories how RWBY has touched peoples lives and I thought I fit into that category...so honestly if I upset you I am sorry, that was not my intention. One of the guys on facebook said he runs another RWBY Group.

Today

I am just so shocked that all the nice comments and things keep coming. One person said “I hugged you!” and another told me they saw about it on Tumblr so I went to look and came up with the idea to make a blog post about my experience. Just the amount of support I am getting is overwhelming.

End Note

 I am...completely overwhelmed by how much support everyone is giving me. After everything I have gone through to be accepted by so many people, to be hugged by so many people, to have so many wonderful words of encouragement said to me, to know that what I did inspired people (I have gotten a few messages from people on how it inspired them), and just how wonderful you have all been. Words cannot express this feeling I have, but I can sum it up as love. You have all given me so much love and thank you so much for that. And what you have given to me I will pass that on. Any time any of you have a bad day, want someone to talk to, want someone to pour your heart out to (I can keep a secret), or if you just want to talk or ask questions I will be there for you.

I love you all so very very much. And I am honored to be a part of this family.

[wednesdirose]

So this is the end of my rope.

 I am HIGHLY aware of the fact that I have said before that, “Today I want to kill myself more than I ever have before,” but today tops that last time. I may have used that title to... I’m a creature of habit (Also anyone that remembers this: Hello! I think you may be like the fact that i’m still alive, if you were someone cared. That’s probably not gonna last but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

The other day I was depressed and becoming increasingly more suicidal by the moment, so I decided to go to my parents apartment and spend time with my family. Both of my older brothers in the last like 6 months have moved back home so my parents apartment has a lot of people in it (6 people including my little siblings who are not yet old enough to move out).  I find just being around people makes me feel better even if I am not actually engaging anyone or being engaged by anyone. I ended up staying for a whole week and a day, and only leaving to go to work once and then returning back because it was still an option. The day before my last day there my brother came home drunk.

He was not only drunk but upset and feeling depressed because of the pressure he is currently feeling as a very talented, under appreciated and taken advantage-of sound engineer. I missed most of him going off and being upset and venting about his current situation but when I came into the convo, It was crazy because he was saying a lot of things I felt but in terms of his own life. I honestly didn’t know what to say other than I know how he feels and to just listen. He apologized for venting and being emotional and unloading on me and my other brother’s girlfriend (whom he was venting to before I came into the room) but I told him that It was totally fine! And that he knows I’m not gonna judge him. I’m honestly the last one who can judge anyone and he and my family knows it because I've almost killed myself before and was sent to a psych ward. I REALLY can’t judge anyone’s problems. This prompted my brother to say that he loves me and he side hugged me and told me this is why I was his favorite and that I was always was understanding that he felt like I understood him even more than his twin sometimes. He told me he wasn’t just saying it because he was drinking and that he had only had a beer and that he wasn’t that drunk( which I believed at the time because he wasn’t slurring his words but my brothers are drinkers and it takes a lot to get them slurring. He also retracted this statement the next day and said that he wasn’t wasted but was totally drunk.) He started saying all sorts of stuff like he really appreciates me and that he always thought that I was awesome and he was glad that I was in his life. He said that he has always admired me because good or bad I’ve always done what I wanted to do and I’ve always done things my way. He said all these things that I’ve always wanted to hear and I remember thinking that this is everything I’ve wanted hear.... BUT it didn’t FEEL like was hearing what I was hearing. It felt like a regular convo. Then he mentioned drinking again and a memory flooded back to me.

You see me and my older brothers have been friends for three-ish years. My older brothers HATED me when we were little and would sometimes bully me. But it wasn’t completely my or their faults. Up until the third grade my father would manipulate me and use me as a weapon against my brothers, which was something I didnt realize until was much older. My father would bribe me with food and affection and things that I wanted in return for me to “tattle” to him about suspicions he had about my brothers. My brother were very mischievous boys, so almost all of the time he was right. My father being a military man was very harsh, and would give them (looking back) EXTREMELY harsh punishments. He punished them the way his father would (a man my father still considers satan and wouldn’t let me meet when he was alive because he was evil.) This made my brothers hate me. And they hated me for most of my life and showed it. 

The memory was of a night when I was in 7th grade and my teenage brother came home drunk. REALLY DRUNK. He came to my room and started talking to me and I don’t remember what he said but that was the FIRST time I ever felt like he LIKED me and that I wasn’t alone, which I was starting to feel more and more. He said all these nice things to me and it felt good and it was an important moment to me. The next morning I tried to talk to him about it.... and he smacked me in my face. Hard. And he told me that I was a liar and that it didn’t happen.

In that moment I decided to share this memory with him (even though he was feeling shitty because IM shitty) and he said that he remembered, which is significant because I thought he wouldn’t remember that or tell me I was lying which was a reoccurring thing every time I tried to bring up shitty things they’ve done to me. But he said he remembered and that he was sorry and that he did so many shitty things to me that I probably don’t even remember (Which mind you, I do. I’ve held on tight to every fucked up thing my family members have EVER done to me.) He said he was so sorry for everything and that his problem with me wasn’t really with me but my father and he didn't realize that until he was older. And then it was like 6 am and he needed to go to sleep.

Looking back on this night I realize why I didn’t feel anything when he said the things I wanted someone to tell me and that that memory was a warning and a reminder. That he was only saying those things because he was drunk and in his feelings and that he probably wouldn’t say any of it otherwise. 

My WHOLE LIFE I’ve felt alone. The only time I didn’t feel alone is when I was with my “High school sweetheart” of almost 2 years and he left me. He left me because I was broken and depressed and fucked up and I didn't know how to love someone or be in a relationship or treat someone and I was (in hindsight) Very abusively clingy and over barring towards the end. I’ll probably never be able to convince anyone else to stay with me past the dating phase, enter into relationship with me and actually stay.... And I don’t blame them. And Ill probably never find someone as close to perfect for me as he was and I fucked it up because that’s what i’m good at. Ruining everything. He even IMMEDIATELY hopped into a relationship with someone else. SO that can tell you how much of a nightmare I was. He still visits my dreams sometimes, so that tells you how much he impacted me and how much I loved him. Sometimes we get back together in my dreams or are together and those are the hardest fucking mornings. I’m not sure if I miss him or something or what that means.... I think it's just because he is the only person I’ve been able to convince to love me and the only person I’ve TRULY opened up to and who knew (the high school version of) the real me and still wanted to be with me...

My father left my mother when I was like 12 years old. And when they divorced he basically divorced me too. He moved out and I didnt see him for a while because he “didnt have furniture” or whatever. Then we (me and my little sister) would barely go over his house because he always had some fabulous excuse. Most of the time it was car related or he had work or medical related. Then when we would go over his house he would stay to his self in his room and barely interact with us unless is was time for a meal or he was taking us to church with him (which he stopped going to a few year into the separation) and HE WOULD STILL PICK UP SHIFTS on his weekends with us. The REALLY funny thing is sometimes he would leave to a girlfriends house, which at first I would go but after awhile I was just like nope because he would spend time with the girlfriend and me and my sister would be stuck with the girlfriend’s stupid kids. OR he would invite over his lady friends and be in his room with them. But were our weekends about us, his daughters, and spending time with us?? No. He did that for 6 years.

It’s funny because I felt like he was the only one in my corner until he divorced us. I always felt like my mom just liked my brothers more and she always took their side but my dad was always in my corner. Even against the love of his life. But looking back I dont have any real memories of that man. Because even in selling out my brothers for affection and trying my hardest to get that man to show me he loved me, He never really gave a fuck. I remember when I learned the word “bond” and realized that normal families “bond” from watching TV. I began to ask my parents especially my father, whom did not work most of my childhood, to “bond” with me. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! I had to beg my parents to bond with me. My father, whom spent most of his time in the front room on his fat ass watching tv, told me just sitting next to him quietly while we watched BET was “bonding”. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! If anyone is wondering, I dont know a damn thing about that man frfr. But at least he isn’t a dead beat right? My parents moved in together last year to save money and I go over there all the time. Does he take initiative to spend time with me or even really talk to me? No. He doesn’t. I’m 21 and known him for 21 year and he’s just like every other stranger. The only difference is I have a key to his apartment. 

My mother and I have NEVER had a great relationship. We currently have a pretty okay relationship but in my adolescence I thought my own mother hated me (up until I almost killed myself at 17. Then she was a WHOLE lot nicer all of a sudden.) I really didnt have a relationship with my mother as a child because she was always the “bread-winner” and her spouse was always playing “stay at home dad,” until she left my little brother’s dad. She would leave for work before I woke up for school, come home looong after I got there, crack open a can or a box for dinner, go to sleep and start over. I practically raised myself through middle school and through TV, Google and other middle-schoolers, I taught myself how to be a girl and take care of myself. I still to this day wish I had an older sister who could have helped me navigate certain things and avoid ridicule about other things.... but I didnt. I had two older brothers, going through their own shit, raising themselves, whom hated me. She is also an AF AM mother and not to stereo type black families but black families have a tendency to perpetuate toxic behavior with each other in terms of ridiculing each other and tearing each other down and thinking its funny. SO, I being my family’’s weirdo and an outsider in my family, got the worst of it, especially from her (especially after my father abandoned me in that house with her.) I remember in middle school she asked me on two separate occasions if I felt like she loved me. I should have said no, But I didn’t know that then. What I said was, “Of course! You’re my mother and you have to love me.” Both times she responded the same: “I don’t Have to love you.” At the time I didn't understand this but I do know. Because she was always working and having to support five kids by herself she was always stressed. I was unlucky enough to be the target of this stress hurricane. By the time I was in high school, she had lost complete control over my brothers so all of the house work and taking care of my little sister and EVERYTHING, including her stress hurricane, fell on me. And as a depressed/lazy teenager, who could see how unbalanced the way she treated me was versus my siblings, I was not about it. The older I was getting the more I began to stand up for myself or in her eyes, became disobedient. Our relationship throughout my teenage years was TERRIBLE.  And we had NEVER had a "good” relationship to begin with so it was REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE. Once I almost killed myself and costed her hundreds of dollars (which she made sure I knew I was costing her) to send me to a psych ward and for meds and a psychiatrist and a psychologist, She began to realize that I’m a pathetic, sensitive crybaby who will kill myself if you're mean to me, and slowly (but surely) began to be nicer to me. Our relationship in present day is much better but my Mother being my mother she has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING she has EVER done to me (except back when my parents were married and my father would make her apologize to me if he felt she did something wrong) and she never will apologize or admit to treating at least a little bit worse than she should have and I will NEVER forget, so I will NEVER move on and we will NEVER be that close. I had to move out because she was still treating me like shit without realizing it and letting her shitty husband treat me unfairly (my parents are still technically married because divorces are expensive.) It got to the point where he was complaining about how much food I ate so I went on a diet but my little siblings were eating up their snacks and blaming it on me and he tried to say that I have to start helping pay for groceries BUT I WASN'T EATING!!!!! I literally STOPPED EATING AT MY HOUSE (except for dinner, which my mom always made two servings of so she wouldn't have to cook the next day.) Yeah one meal a day at the VERY end of the day people. I would wait until he was settled into his room after dinner to make my plate. When I moved out, that women cried and said she felt like she was just now “getting to know me.” CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKING WOMEN?! I wanted to laugh in her fucking face and say that she had 20 years. 20 years.

(Side bar: I should have saved her some money and just killed myself) 

I’ve come to the realization from that night in my brothers room, that I wouldn’t be this fucked up if the people who were supposed to be there for me actually treated me right and paid attention to me when I needed it and did what they were supposed to do WHEN I NEEDED IT! Maybe if when I was growing up and needed to be shown love and affection and attention, I wouldn’t have problems connecting with people now and I wouldn’t feel so alone all the fucking time! I could have a healthy relationship and actually love someone and be lovable and I would have real friends and I wouldn’t have went through HALF the shit I’ve been through with people OUTSIDE of my family and I would have known and would know how i’m supposed to be treated by someone who is my friend and someone who claims to love me.

BUT they didnt. No one did. I needed someone (ANY FUCKING ONE) and NO one was there and now I’m fucking broken and have YEARS AND YEARS of attachment trauma and it cant be fixed. AND that’s soooo not the worst of it! I have abuse stories and other shit that I haven't even shared with anyone but one of my therapist and I didnt even feel ready to tell her EVERYTHING just the gist of it. I have OCEANS OF PROBLEMS that can’t be solved. Wounds that can’t heal. I can’t even talk about the problems I have with my family because throughout my whole life we’ve NEVER talked about anything or addressed ANYTHING. There are NO apologies or resolutions or any of that bullshit. If something happens we just wake up the next day as a family like it didn't happen and that's that about that. And honestly I feel like that’s why I can never address any problems I have with people outside of my family or resolve problems or fix anything, which has RUINED great relationships for me.

Anyway. I needed to get that out. SO thank you if you read that bullshit and thank you if you actually care, I guess. This is the end. I’m gonna stop self medicating with weed, which is what I’ve been doing since I stopped taking Zoloft in 2016. It’s actually been working for the most part. It’s not a perfect solution but when I’m high I don’t think about my problems and I feel like I can think about things less emotionally. I’m just gonna stop smoking everyday and let my depression do that thing it does and if I kill myself, Thank god!, and if I don’t, Thank god. And that’s where I’m at on the subject of life and living and the sort.

And Yes before you suggest it smart ass, I have seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists. AND yes I’ve tried other meds besides zoloft and I stopped taking meds because they dont work. AND NO, I’m super uninterested in putting money in greedy ass doctors pockets to take every stupid pill on earth, till I “find the right one.” A pill is not going to get rid of 21 years of misery. It’s just a pill.

[shotsbytheprince-blog]

I hate the weather in Las Vegas. I'm from the Great White North, Canada. The hottest our summers have ever gotten was 35 degrees celsius. So when I stepped out of the airport into 44, oh man I was sweating bullets. And to have a consistent hell-like weather with the sun beating down like a truck...well I just wasn't having it. We still went out and enjoyed what Las Vegas had to offer but not without sweat and teaes trailing our way home. And you could NOT imagine how much we sweat walking from The Stratosphere Hotel towards The Smith Centre. If it wasn't for one of my closest friends performing, you can bet I wouldn't have made the 40 odd minutes walk. We did and I'm glad we did. But I'm getting a bjt ahead of myself, let me start after getting off the plane. This was my first time going to Las Vegas with just friends. I went with two of my closer friends, David and Anthony. Although Anthony insisted that his performance was just a gateway to get us to Las Vegas, David and I knew it was our sole purpose to help and support our brother out. So we hopped out our second plane. The first flight was mediocre, the second had movies and I watched Beauty and the Beast pretty much all through the flight. My buddy David and I heard stories of our airline-which-shall-not-be-named losing luggage. The relief and grief I felt when I saw the pink shoe string tied luggage bag was insurmountable. I overpacked, and if I lost everything then oh boy was I screwed. So now we were waiting for our welcome party, a.k.a Anthony's dad. Although I've known him for years, I've never met his parents. Seeing Anthony as a cool, happy, easy-going guy made me feel at ease. Then meeting his dad, I understand where he gets all this from. Anthony's dad, Tony, is a very nice guy. Down to earth, open minded, and funny down to the bone. We had been worried about what we'd do for food and the first thing he told us was "you can come to our hotel whenever you guys are hungry." HALLELUJAH! Praise the heavens because that just saved us a ton of money. We went to their hotel first thing and has the best rice and chicken I've ever had. Or maybe it was free or great news to have these meals. Our hotel wasn't far from them. It was about a ten minute walk and it was worth it for food...even in this heat. So we went to check in at our hotel. Oh man it looked so good from the outside. An observation deck, different sets of elevators, a diner, a starbucks, and a really good lookong fine dining restaurant. Then we got into our room. The happiness was flushed from our face and it was replaced with confusion. Oh, at first glance the room looked like any other hotel room. Which shouldn't be, or isn't, the case for hotels in Vegas. Pros, the beds were comfy, there was a washroom, and a television. Cons, our view was a wall, the lights flickered waaay too much when first turned on,   shitty floor, shitty channels, shitty outlets, we saw this one trailer about addiction almost every commercial break and it was incredibly dark, and the wifi was complete and utter shit. Granted, the room was free and it was just a place to sleep. The wifi was a problem for us because two of us are content creators and we wanted to upload while we were there. The only reason we spent so much time in that room was because it was incredibly hot. We went out for food, to look for places to take photos, to go to the outlets, and our friend's performance. Don't get me wrong, we did enjoy Vegas. We took a lot of photos, and the Strip was a great experience. We found some gem spots to do a shoot, found some great deals (even with the conversion rate), and found some culture in the back ends we were in. The Las Vegas was just as flashy as movies portrayed them. We didn't gamble, but we did get to enjoy what everything had to offer. From shows and locations like Venice and Paris, to the flamingo conservation and seeing flamingos for the first time in my life. But we never fell into the Sin-like lifestyle of Vegas. Call us squares or lame but we are more scenic or in-the-moment people.   Throughout our whole vacation, Anthony had rehearsals. So he'd leave early and come back late at night. We'd have time to hang out and talk, but most of the trip was just David and I. Nothing wrong with that, it was fun. And we wanted Anthony to perform his best and blow everyone's mind. So here comes Saturday. The day of Anthony's performance. He was up at 7 and left before any of us got up because we went to the Strip the night before. David and I spent the morning working on our crafts, his was a video and I was sorting through photographs. We had to be at the Smith Center by 3pm so we had a lot of time to kill. We didnt really do much, but we got distracted and got ready late. By the time we left the door, it was almost 2:30pm and it was a 40 minute walk. By the way, our end of the hotel had 6 elevators but still took forever for an elevator to come by so we were definately running late. Not just that, but it was the hottest day in the whole week, 47 degrees. A 40 minute walk, 47 degrees, and two Canada-raised folks did not equal a swell time. We rushed it. We didn't walk normally, we speed walked. At least 3 times that walk, I contemplated not going. Our shoes were burning. Our shirts were soaked in sweat. We turned a 40 minute walk into 20. So by the time we got to the theatre, we looked like we just hopped out of the pool. Waist up anyways. Luckily, we brought an extra shirt to change out of. We used our already soaked shirts to wipe off our sweat. So we got out tickets. Balcony, row H seats 216 and 217. The show wasn't really a show. It was a benefit put on by Broadway in the H.O.O.D (Helping others open doors). So it was an arrangement of singers and dancers. Our friend Anthony was the only poet. We were so far from the stage that we could barely see who was performing. Not that it really took much away. Every performance was beautiful. The singers blew me away, and the dancers were sharp and flowed well. There were kids performing. Around the age 12 and they blew me away. Their lack of stage fright, full resevoir of confidence and singing voice sent chills down my spine. I was overwhelmed by them and thought wow, nothing could top this feeling. That was, until Anthony hit the stage. No introduction, just a fluid transition from one performance to him on stage left with the spot light on him. No props, no music, just him and his voice. Flick. He started. His piece was openly about a lighthouse. By openly about, I mean it was written and titled around the use and purpose of a lighthouse. But it was open to interpretation, and still held that the true meaning behind the poem was for his mind alone. He wasn't nervous. He spoke with confidence, and captivated the ears and minds of everyone  in the audience. Flick. The words smoothly escaped his lips and drowned everyone in them while still guiding. Flick. Everyone was focused on just Anthony. All eyes were on him, and all ears were filled with words. Flick. A shiver swept my body as his voice grew stronger and louder. I could feel how proud David and I were of Anthony. How proud we were to see him perform in front of 2,500 people. To not miss such a big event in his life. To share it with him. To listen and see him radiate confidence with every word. It was inspiring. Flick. Exit stage left. He was done. The crowd cheered for him. There was a girl behind David who was more vocal about it. But the applause was strong that night. He may not have gotten to everyone that night, but you can tell the ones he touched. They clapped louder than anyone else. But not as loud as David and I. We left after first intermission. We were honestly not interested in any one else performing except Anthony. They were all great, but we were already blown away. We ubered back to our hotel because that walk was a no-go. Not sweating through another shirt. When we got back to our hotel, we ordered some food and just rested up. We were awaiting Anthony's return to congratulate him and celebrate. But before he got home, he had to eat dinner with his parents. So we took more time to rest, even watched Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Oh crap, its one of our last days in Vegas and I forgot to go souvenir shopping! So I dipped out right after the movie ended to go to the souvenir store down the street. Once I exited the hotel, who do I see? It was Anthony coming back from dinner. We hugged  it out and I extended by congratulations and told him my favourite parts. He joined me in buying souvenirs because he wanted to pick up some booze to celebrate before heading out. He picked up some Bacardi and arizonas to experiment mixes. We got back to the hotel room and it was just full of praise and admiration for Anthony. We were proud, and we were wanted to show it. We kicked off the rest of this life changing nignt by Anthony sharing his experience with us down to every detail. How he felt, how he was kept in the dark the whole time, the people he met, the way he didnt know if he was supposed to be there, and forgetting all the words right before getting on the stage. This made his performance even more impressive. But through it all, he had explained how he didn't feel any fear. He said he felt free. Even when he forgot the words, he didn't feel scared. He knew the words would come to him. In summary, his experience was inspiring. He showed his strength in facing what should've been a nightmare. He said the view from our hotel window was very humbling. This summarized his whole experience. The view of the wall was his struggles, and he looked them dead on and didn't flinch. Strength. We started drinking. This experimental mix was definately...new but it wasn't bad. The more we drank, the better it was. But isn't that with all alcohol? But we drank a bit too much and wondered what the heat and this level of drunk would turn out to be. Out of better judgement (wow, while drunk), we stayed in and continued talking. We shared some high school stories and drove down memory lane. We went to the same high school but I was a year older so we didn't have any classes together. I told them my favourite teacher was Mrs. Nevins. She cared about her students and showed unconditional support. We brought up our CPTs which was the huge final project, abbreviation for Culminating Performance Task. It was a newspaper-like article in which we write a story about an event in our life which had a lesson or was funny. Mine was about a lucid dream I had about someone I used to love. The moral to mine was things have an end for a reason. Holding on is a lot harder than letting go. It seemed corny repeating it back to them. David's was more personal. He talked about a father figure he had his whole life who ended up going to Iraq for a Peace Keeping mission. But he was then captured and tortured for months. Imagine seeing someone almost everyday with a smile on their face, them having that same smile be replaced with a bloody and sunken face on the news every night. He eventually came back and David explained to us how family extends farther than blood. The man captured is okay now, and David had gotten past it all. He showed us a Netflix series called Captive which had his father figure feature on episode 8 of season 1. This was a night of sharing. Of opening up to each other. David and Anthony each showed me how they became the person they are today. So I wanted to show them what made me who I am. It was a poetry piece by a man named Steve Koyczan. It was called To This Day. The message was pretty much an elongated "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". But the way it was presented hit me hard. Not just the video, but in the words he used. How he portrayed that kids will always be kids but words will always hurt and carry on through our lives. Koyczan's use od cacophony and juxapedia really took it home for me. The disgusting sounding words hit my heart like when I was bullied for being bigger. And this was my showing them my roots of poetry. Content creation. I became vulnerable for them. I told them the story of my bipolar friend. He stopped taking his pills but the good days seldom came back. He never took his pills again, but he took his life. He taught me to enjoy my happy days and love my friends. So I bared my heart to them. I told them that being bullied as a kid didn't bother me until it all caught up to me. I told them that I tried killing myself because I didn't want to be around anymore. I told them that even to this day, I still think of dying. Of how easy it was to go to the rooftop pool and just jump. Or take a scenic route down the observation deck. I told them that I was really grateful for them having me in their friend circle and how even being able to go to Vegas with them was a gift. So here we are. In the shittiest hotel in Las Vegas sitting in a room. Just us three guys sharing. Opening up and showing our vulnerabilities to each other. Crying. Listening to music. Letting our worries go. But it was silent. Not awkward, we were just taking it all in. David broke the silence. He knew what Anthony and I go through regardless of how long he's known us. He told us that he feels no malicious intent in our body. That we were friends because he wants us to be around. He reassured us that he sees us as good people. People who deserve to be happy. That we weren't weak to ever think about suicide. But that we were stronger to still be here. And that he was glad to have us in his life. He reassured me that letting me into their friend circle was nothing to be grateful for. We are all in it for each other. That we're all friends because we care for each other. Wow, that was some strong Bacardi. Joking aside, the night continued on a brighter note. Now, how was this so life changing? This wasn't a movie. We didn't go out on the strip and drop bills. We didn't get piss drunk, wake up with a hangover with a friend missing. Mike Tyson's tiger was not in our washroom and the only money spent was on bottles to drink. No, this was real. Saturday night and we spent it inside talking. Anthony said that Las Vegas just sucked the soul out of everyone here. How everyone fell to sin in this city. But we didn't. You can call us squares or lames but I realized on that night how real of friends these two are. That we didn't need to go out to have a good time. We spent the night talking to each other and taking care of our spiritual happiness and not our material happiness. All the stress and worries were gone in those short few hours. In the City of Sin, we overcame and became better people. Happier people Just a story of how important it is to have these kind people in your life. They don't come often, so treasure them. But hey, don't get me wrong. Next time I head to Vegas, I'm balling out.

[tsundere-sims]

Nicole Xiao

Basics Name: Nicole Xiao L’Ane she was born Xiao Nicole L’Ane but she switched her first name and her second name, her surname is luxembourgeois Ethnicity: Eurasian (father of pure luxembourgish family established in China for years and Chinese mother) (mother is daughter of Bengali father and Chinese mother living in Laos for decades) so (dad -> white & asian mom-> bengali and chinese) Age: 22 Sexuality: Straight, grey-aromantic Employment: Writer Birthday: 7 janvier 1995 Sign: Capricorn Eye Color: Amber Hair Style/Color: straigt black shoulder length hair Height: 5’03 Clothing Style: conservative, colorless (brown sometimes) Favorites Color : pale brown Animal: rodent Movie: Westerns,Japanese horror films & Asian actions film Game: pc games Music: alternative rock, blues, rocknroll, Electro pop, basically all her playlist Drink: milk tea Food: All Chinese street food involving pork Thoughts Your First Thoughts Waking Up: I don't waste time, I wake up and go no time to wander What You Think About the Most: my adoptive parents John and Authrine What You Think About Before Bed: Why Liun and I can move to welcome 3 more people to live with us You Think Your Best Quality Is: My apathy really, I love the fact that I have the ability to dissociate and be immune to what hurts others the most, the people I'm close too feel comfortable telling me anything, bc most of the time it don't phase me and I never judge nobody, I'm like a blank page….” Childhood memories/Relationships/Idols/etc. Nicole fave memory as a child is the birth of her little sister Vili as her and Liun felt lonely since brother was always at school and mom work 3 job and is only home sumdays, they took care of her like their 3rd twin. Mother (Xue Han): She was not close to her mom at all bc she was barely home working 3 jobs first at a local laundry from 12 to 4pm, in a hotel from 6pm to 10pm and as waitress from 10pm to midnight, therefore she slept at their aunt house and left Nicole,Liun and baby Vili alone with their brother who went to school from 9am to 6pm. So they barely had time to bond plus the mom had an exhorbitant love for money when she married she just did bc he impressed her with his family rich reputation in China and the fact he was half white(she was very ashamed of her Bengali heritage in a white beauty supremacy Laos & China) so she urged to marry him and weirdly she had a child shortly after as a “surprise” (huh she was pregnant before meeting him she took the opportunity by marrying what she thought was a rich man to make him believe the baby was HIS and secure the wealth she wanted) after the marriage she realized Qiang was not a direct heir of the “L’Ane” family wealth but just a cousin of the Heir he had an argument with and they cut him out of financial support, they became lower middle class, by that time she was pregnant with twins and didn't announced to Quiang, who signed paper saying that his family had just one Child and no plans of another bc China population was too much and birth had to be limited. They recieved 5,000 for accepting the “agreement” not to have children but then she announced her pregnancy after Quiang decided to hide the kids by not declaring them at birth, just the time to get a lawyer to annul the agreement. Fearing to get arrested bc Quiang didn't find a lawyer that will accept to be paid a lower middle class family revenue she declared the children, Quiang accepted but left the house not taking care of the newborn twins for 5 month, And Xue had to payback the 5,000¥ so she took a job and had her family track Quiang down they found him, homeless and hungry he came back home w no explanation and was a stay at home dad for the twins and Xue worked. To payback the money he secretly got into the Chinese mafia and sold drugs and firearms in secret places. Him & Xue never talked in that period he hated her to have put them in this situation of payback and she hated him to have lied about his wealth. Within 2 month they paid back now everybody's just acted like this never happened and the subject wasn't talked again. Xue stopped the working and rebecame the stay at home mom, Quiang continued to mysteriously bring much money home but Xue didn't question it as they became upper middle class and her lifestyle was fancy. Quiang was depressed bc he wanted out of the mafia but that's impossible unless death, he put Kein in a high private school. But 2 years later the twins were 3 year old, Quiang brutally left the house, they got kicked out their wealthy mansion and back to their lower middle class life, Xue was in the last stage of her pregnancy and Kein was not kim led out of school as it was vacations but for the rentrée Xue had to find a solution she send the twins to her aunt and went work in the capital while pregnant. And continued to work after Vili birth that she left at the aunt house and Keon still went to school. The mother was close the twins as baby but unable to bond as they grew very mature at the age of 3. And even know Xue is like a old connaissance who gave them up for Nicole. Father (Quiang L’Ane): Weirdly she gets along beat with Quiang even if he was an on and off dad she as no difficulty or awkwardness talking to him maybe because Nicole is Schizoid she really not is big on social relations so even if he don't talk to her in weeks she won't hold no grunges against him, talking is very spontaneous with Quiang and Nicole it's that personal daughter-dad bond that only them can get. After he left when she was 3, he came back a month after her sister birth and secretly took them (Nicole,Liun & Kein) with the permission of the aunt who stayed with vili and told nothing to Xue, and they stayed with him and he will introduce them to “cousins” Wen & Lam and he frequently did that half month without Xue ever knowing the only time he came see her was to file for divorce BROTHER/SISTERS: Nicole and Kein where very close he was the perfect big brother at least he tried, stealing stuff for them to eat, reading them stories celebrating their birthday by telling every neighborhood who gave them flowers, coming to take them after school everyday being the funniest and indépendant from anybody. When they got adopted he was way more depressed than Liun (who wanted her momma) and Kevin didnt understand how she felt nothing he got bullied at school bc he couldn't talk English and always fought and got in trouble after school because in China he always hang out with his dad and dads friend ( who he didn't know where mafia and Chinese Gamgsters) so he had a strong character. The bullying didn't last and he was the most feared/respected at school. So at home it had an effect on how he didn't interact with sisters or adoptive parents (who he HATES) anymore from his high school years. When he went to college he got back to his old self as he saw his dreams of big study came true slowly bc he makes himself remember how his dad made everything to have him in school and how proud his momma was so he got right to the only memory of his parents that he had his sisters. Just has everything went good John and Authrine went to Laos with all the children for vacations and they linked up with Xue, Liun,Kein and Ovi were the happiest and Nicole was very apathic with her mom but was polite. So they linked up and spent few days with her she asked about college for Kein then (OF COURSE) for some money as if what she was sent monthly by the rich family was not enough. And she revealed in an argument with Quiang that Kein wasn't his son after Quiang came out of nowhere to say hi to his kids, and Quiang revealed that Wen and Lam were his children. This was what déclenched an identity crisis for Kein he took the first plane back to New York and didn't give any news to anybody but a text to John and Authrine saying he is fine and back in college. They didn't question it. So that he was already lost to he was in high school he was back broken in the identity crisis stage with no answer to who brought him to this world and it's been 2 year he hasn't talk to any of his sisters or adoptive parents or “biological” parents nobody came after him because he sends news every month from a cab somewhere in NYC Your character’s relationship with their mother or their father, or both. Was it good? Bad? : Were they spoiled rotten, ignored? Do they still get along now, or no?: Where (and when) did they grow up? How did they view it as a child, and did that change as they matured? How do they feel about the place now? : Describe their best and worst memories from childhood : Who was their idol growing up?: What were they like as a child?: How do they feel about their family? How does their family feel about them?: Do they have siblings/cousins?: Sex/Romance What are they attracted to in a partner?: Do they have any particular fetishes or kinks?: Is there anything in particular that they won’t do?: Have they ever hurt someone they loved?: Do they fall in love easily?: Who is their current partner, and what attracted the character to them?: What kind of a relationship is it?: Misc Questions (less personal) Do they have any allergies? : What is their weapon of choice if they had to use one?: What is their preferred method of transportation?:. What kind of weather makes them happy, and what kind makes them sad?: What languages do they speak?: Do they eat a healthy diet? A varied one?: As a child, what did they want to be when they grew up?: What do they do when they need comfort?: What are they like when they are drunk?: Where in their body do they keep stress or tension?: Do they have any pet peeves or dislikes, and how do they react to encountering them?: Do they like to travel?: How well do they take criticism? How do they react to others noticing their flaws?: What are they like when they get sick? Do they have a particular system (ears, lungs, etc) that illness gravitates to?: How do they react to being physically injured or undergoing medical treatment?: 1: What’s your OC’s biggest insecurity and how would they react if someone pointed it out to them? 
2: If your OC wants to buy a firearm, what it might be for?
she owns one and it’s for protection (it was a gift from one of her brothers) 3: Does your OC behave differently around different people, if so with whom and how? 
4: Would your OC want to involve themselves in humanitarian work ? If yes, then for what? If not, then why not? 5: How would your OC generally react to someone being verbally abusive towards them for no apparent reason?
 6: Does your OC have a realistic image of their own intelligence?
 7: Does your OC have any irrational phobias? 
8: How is/was your OC’s relationship with their parents? 9: Does your OC feel a pressure to achieve or are they content and calm with doing what 10: Does your OC guard their emotions by being tough? If not how would they?
 11: How would your OC react to hearing they’re adopted? 12: What is one of the most primary things your OC feels that is missing from their life?
 13: What kind of situations does your OC avoid the most?
talking about feelings 14: If your OC gets into a fight with their best friend, would they wait for their friend to make up with them, or would they try to make up with their friend?
 15: Does your OC consider themselves a good person?
 16: Is your OC good at giving others validation of their feelings and making them feel understood?
 17: Does your OC suffer from any mental health issues?
 19: What boosts your OC’s confidence the most?
 20: Does your OC hurt others often unintentionally? If yes, how?
 21: Does your OC hurt others often intentionally? If yes, how?
 22: How does your OC usually show affection? Are they openly romantic or more restricted with their affectionate emotions?
 23: Does your OC tend to hide something about their personality/essence when meeting new people? If yes, what?
 24: How would your OC react if they got humiliated by someone in a group of people? 25: How would your OC process the grief caused by the death of a loved one?
 26: What is the most intense thing your OC has been battling with?
 27: Does your OC practise any kind of escapism? If yes, what kind?
 28: How would your OC react if a bully stole their lunch money in high school?
. 29: How does your OC behave on the face of a conflict?
 30: What makes your OC defensive quickest?

[whence-the-woody]

2020 

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment. 

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice. 

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere 

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming. 

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it. 

 I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks. 

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations. 

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great 

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP. 

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on. 

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening. 

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do. 

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it. 

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever 

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard. 

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died. 

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential. 

May 

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe. 

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame. 

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day 

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year. 

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk. 

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it. 

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement. 

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice. 

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month. 

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD. 

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat. 

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed. 

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it. 

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore. 

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time. 

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone 

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs. 

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing. 

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was. 

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice. 

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID 

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did 

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights 

My family, friends and I are all safe and well 

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic! 

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing. 

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve 

Schitts Creek

Supernatural 

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay 

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction. 

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW 

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

10/10/19

Today Facebook decided to so kindly remind me that it would have been my 4 year wedding anniversary with Nicole. I'm not really okay at all. I keep thinking about that day and just so many emotions keep flooding in, mostly sadness and anger. I really want to destroy something. I want to chuck everything on my desk out a fucking window and then jump out after it. I want to get black out drunk. I want write her a msg and scream at her for all the damage she has caused to me.

My wedding day was a fucking joke. It was pretty much ruined before it even had a chance to start. Two days before we went down to st george I had a massive anxiety melt down because our car broke down and we had to figure out a rental. Nicole threatened to walk out on me and in response I locked myself in our bathroom and tried to cut myself. She was more concerned about scars showing up in pictures then the fact that I was so anxious and depressed that I was harming myself in a way that wasnt even patternistic for my regular depression. She didnt leave though and we still went on with our plans. We showed up to st George the night before and the moment we arrive Lori is being a fucking child. We didnt show up early enough for her liking. She needed our help picking out on of the dresses she already had but she ended up gaining a bunch of weight in the last couple of months. She had only one dress that fit and it was a wiggle dress with a skull pattern. I thought it was cute but she threw a huge fit about it because she thought she would be able to fit in something nicer and was extremely concerned about my mother judging her. She was bitching all night about the fact that she kept waiting to buy a hotel room, hoping for a deal, and she waited so long she had to book rooms right after the prices got hiked up. I go to bed extremely anxious and already hopeless.

The next day we drive the 2 hours into vegas. We take mine and Nicole's rental and darren takes his bike. I'm driving of course because it has to be either nicole or I which means the responsibility falls on me. We decide to just get the marriage certification done and over with first thing. The courthouse is obviously unfamiliar to me and not the easiest thing to find let alone find parking as well. Nicole keeps getting pissed at me for suggesting we park farther away at a more convenient location off the street and just walk over there. I finally find a close parking spot but in my frustration I end up scraping the side of the car on a high curb and it leaves a definite large scratch. Cue the berating for the bill we would receive for repairs. After we get the license we check into the hotel. I get up to our room and smoke some of the green I snuck in. I start to get ready and I'm the first one to be ready for the wedding. By this time most of my family show up. My own mother is stressed to hell so I go to her room and do hers, Sam's, and Andy's hair. I get andy done first and he takes nicole, my dad, my brother, and my sisters boyfriend at the time to go get drinks at the bar. I help alex get checked into his room and then have to deal with Nicole's mother bitching to me about my own family. I do my best to ignore it while I'm checking on the limo, the venue, the dinner reservations, etc etc.

Andy and crew come back to mine and Nicole's hotel room. I'm then taking pictures. Giving people details. Making sure we have everyone and that I'm keeping track of them all. Limo arrives and we go to the venue. I'm checking us in and getting everything ready while everyone waits. Finally nicole and I get pulled away and our guests are taken to their seats. My parents are still in the stage of not getting along in the slightest so they take both sides which pisses off Nicole's mom. The ceremony happens but of course the live stream I paid extra for didnt work so no one back home got to watch it. Never got a refund for it. We go to dinner at an italian restaurant nicole and I had really enjoyed the last time we went to vegas. Unfortunately I assumed they would split the bill but they refuse to do so. I suggest finding somewhere else or putting it all on my credit card. Nobody listens to me and the start of the arguments happen. Andy wants to order a well balanced meal but darren is refuses to eat anything green. Sam's boyfriend has a tomato allergy which we were never informed of so he straight up makes a point to say he isnt going to eat or pay for anything. This pisses off my dad enough to instigate a fight with him. Darren and lori end up moving to the other side of the table to get away from Andy. They're not willing to pay for anything either. Finally my dad and andy decide to split the bill between them. 2 hours go by and the whole time I just want to go back to my hotel room and cry my eyes out. Dinner was delicious but I couldn't enjoy it in the slightest. My poor mother is making her best efforts to keep me happy and I'm pretending that I dont want to die inside. We make plans after dinner to go to Fremont street and drink with my dad, ben, lori, and darren.

Nicole and I go get changed at our room and I smoke a bowl before we head out again. Nicole's parents ended up falling asleep in their room and lori was pissed at us later because we didnt come get them. We got out onto fremont street and my dad and brother get pretty shit faced. Couple hours they're drunk enough to bail on us and go to a strip club. To Nicole's credit she did make love to me that night. I remember wanting it and wanting her at the time but looking back I dont think I was really that into it. It felt more like I was happy about it because she did that one thing for me when she didnt have to because a lot of people said that I shouldnt plan on getting laid on my wedding night. Even just comparing that to the way I truly just want driver to touch me so intensely, it pales in comparison. Thinking back on it, I don't think I was ever the mewling slut with nicole that i am with driver. Yeah of course i would want it but i stopped getting excited. It felt more like something I was doing in desperation to be closer to her. I think the only time I was anything close to how I am with driver is when we were still living in my apartment. I learned to stop asking for it because that would only make it less likely to happen. I was totally fine with not getting enough orgasms to be fully satisfied which I still am but with her came extra shame of being too much work for somebody to even attempt. Which is definitely why we came to the agreement to even be poly. She would shame me about enjoying it too much because I'd squirt and she couldn't stand any of the mess it made. Was particularly mean when I couldn't warn her that it was going to happen. She started refusing to fuck me in the bed very early into our relationship and only wanted to fuck me in the shower. Driver is the first person I've had a healthy sexual relationship with and I got so lucky that he's so good at it at the same time. I feel so fucking bad all of the time for getting so excited about wanting him to make love to me. I feel like I ask too much and I'm just like waiting for him to get sick of it. For him to get sick of touching me or get mad at me for even asking or trying it initiating or anything. I still try to do those things though. Drivers told me that those things dont bother him but I'm still scared and I still dont trust it in the slightest. Conner did the same thing to me. He made me feel ashamed for making messes. He stopped fucking me and I only ever really fucked him. Made me feel like I was too much work so it wasnt worth trying. Honestly conner and nicole are pretty similar in a lot of ways. Both of them got physically abusive with me. Both of them raped me. Both of them manipulated and controlled me. Both of them let me do everything. Now I'm so worried that it's all me. That I'm the bad one because I had two very similar experiences and I could be the one that's causing these issues. Maybe I'm crazy and it's all an illusion. Maybe I'm the selfish and narcissistic one. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I do start fights and I scream at people for no reason and and and and and and and.

But I digress

Nicole and I had like 2 more weeks off to spend together as newly weds. We went to see the book of mormon the next day and would be spending the next 2 days after with her mother in st george. Her mom found out that we had extra time and basically threw a tantrum about us staying at her place longer because we didn't come see her as often as she liked. I had a panic meltdown in our room that night and begged nicole to tell her mother no. I was uncomfortable and unhappy enough as it was. She called me selfish that i wasnt willing to do it. I tried to compromise and give her mom one or two more days but she just kept berating me for having an issue. I just remember sobbing at her moms house on the floor the next day while everyone was gone and nicole was pissed and screaming at me for having another meltdown. That's when she got a call from her cousin in tooele informing her that her paternal grandfather was actively dying. We packed our bags and started driving towards tooele. We got there that night luckily because that was the last night he was coherent enough to interact with anyone. I went home the next day and nicole stayed. I had never met this side of the family before and felt like I was intruding on a very private time. I spent the week by myself and the week after helping with the funeral. I cried myself to sleep by myself those nights.

I know that getting married again won't be like that. I know when I finally get to call myself drivers spouse that it will be a happy day. Even if nothing goes as planned I will still just be so so happy. I dont need all the fancy bells and whistles. Hell I could get married in vegas again. I could get married at the court house. What upset me about marrying nicole was the complete lack of concern about my happiness from multiple people. Nicole started suggesting we have another ceremony at home to make up for it. She really started pushing for it when we moved to tooele but I kept putting it off. I didnt want to go through all that labor again and I wasn't so sure about binding my soul to hers with a hand fasting anymore. I think she only started insisting because she knew on some level that I was super unhappy. I'm so glad I'm not celebrating with her today. I'm so fucking happy I'm away from her. My anxiety keeps thinking that shes the one im waiting for to come home. But no, I'm waiting for the love of my life. I'm waiting for driver to come home and take me into his arms. I'm waiting for the gentle touches, soft kisses, kind words. I dont prefer being alone anymore. Skipping work is not near as enjoyable as it used to be. Being home alone is definitely not my preference any longer. @dsxsquaredx

[dudeeveryoneishot]

i just need to talk real quick about how shitty of a weekend im having because i am super emotional and i have no one to talk to.

I have 3 friends, my friend H is on vacation in seattle washington for the next week and i know hes having a great time but im kinda jealous and i wish he was here. my best friend V moved 20 hours away this summer so I never get to see her and I really miss her. She’s at a party tonight.

My 3rd friend is B, one of my closest friends from high school who i had a crush on for 3 like years split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. then one drunken night a month ago we ended up hooking up. we talked about it afterwards and we became kind of a thing. i went to visit him 2 weeks ago because he is in school 3 hours away, and we spent the whole weekend together and it was really lovely. then the next weekend (last weekend) B came up to visit and he was supposed to be coming to my apartment with 2 of our acquaintances and he bailed without saying anything and spent the whole day with another girl and he ended up fucking her. so then im like heartbroken and feeling really fucked over that he would do something like that to me after we’ve known each other for 5 years. 

my mom and dad left thursday and wont be back until sunday so i am on our farm in the middle of nowhere, completely alone. They went to go visit my brother who is in the military and they are all going to the military ball together. my dad is retired military so he could go and my mom is his plus one and then my sister in law is my brothers. i didnt have anyone so i couldnt go and they didnt even bother to ask if i wanted to go and just stay at the hotel for the ball itself. i just feel so left out. i know they are going to be going out to eat and having all kinds of fun together and im stuck feeding the chickens. i havent seen my brother in like 5 months and i wont be able to see him until christmas.  

so i was gonna throw a party tonight with B. i was still upset with him but we’ve been friends for so long i wasnt going to cut him off completely and I wanted to have a chance to talk to him in person about what happened. so we invite our entire friend group from high school and a couple others. they all say they are coming so i start getting my house ready. then, 2 hours before its supposed to begin, they all call B one by one and say they cant make it. great. 

so im really bummed out. then B and i decide that the two of us and his brother would come to my house anyways and drink and watch stupid movies. He was supposed to let me know when they were going to be coming over but said it would probably be around 8. so i wait. and wait. and i never hear anything. I shoot him a message at like 7:30 asking if they are coming and he leaves me on read. So at 8:30 I call him. I cant understand anything he’s saying because he keeps breaking up. I send him a couple more messages and he doesn’t answer my question. So I ask his brother whats up and he doesnt know either. So I tell his brother to keep me updated. 10:15 rolls around and i havent heard anything so i ask the brother if I should just assume they arent coming and he replies “probably”. 

i just dont understand why he would just bail on me like that (like he did fucking last weekend) when we have been friends for so fucking long. like it would have taken 2 seconds to message me and say “hey something came up im sorry we cant come”. instead he leaves me on read and never tells me whether he is coming or not and i’m forced to message his little brother to finally get an answer. like thats so fucking rude. i feel like i have no idea who he is anymore. idk if i’ve always just been purposefully blind to his issues because i had a crush on him and the way he has acted in the past week is just who he truly is or what.  I just really need to stop attaching myself to people who I know are selfish and shitty acting and then being surprised when they are selfish and shitty acting

so now im here. completely alone, all my plans haven fallen through. idk im so lonely and upset and i cant talk to H about it because he is super excited about his vacation and in a good mood and I dont want to bother him, V is at a party and drunk, and B is the cause for most of my sorrow and he isnt responding to me. I even tried to message my mom despite our non existent relationship and she said she needed to go to bed about 3 replies in.

and im going to be alone until sunday.

oh and ive got our propane heater thing on and it smelt a lot like gas in here earlier and now im kinda dizzy so im lowkey hoping i die of carbon monoxide poisoning. at least that’s a death that wont make my family look bad or feel guilty. it will just be a horrific “accident”. if my queue runs out and im still not posting, im hopefully dead.