ieatpenniesformythoughts

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

I think when you can get to the point of stopping hiding your body and just decorating it the way you please is when fashion is truly enjoyable and liberating

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

I think a lot of the time I feel a large amount of shame for just enjoying myself. Because I may have let SOMETHING god forbid ANYTHING gone unattended to. It's weird to finally be in a space where I'm so happy and I'm so hopeful and I'm so full of love that now I need to fight against a system that is trying its damn hardest to make sure I cant fucking enjoy myself. Its weird to be so protective over the slice of happiness I've created for myself because really humans shouldnt have to guard that so closely.

I just want to be here to gather experience. I want to know and I want to understand the meaning of all of it. I want a romantic relationship with the human experience. I want every amount of intimacy and rawness that I can gather. We are the very representation of the universe processing and reprocessing and refiltering and evolving and we all know we are going somewhere but really do we have to be that concerned on if we even have a destination? Personally I think I'm okay with shedding and reshaping and reforming myself every single moment. Maybe I dont want to be defined anymore. I want to be all of it. I want to be close to everything. Have I really gone through my chakras so backwards that I am only now creating my attachments here. For sp long I've only lived in that space that nothing really matters anyway but like in that full acceptance sorta way but now I'm getting to the place where I might still want things to matter anyway. Maybe chasing after spiritual clarity as soon as I could in life actually did me some what of a disservice. I've had this persistent problem of living way too far in the future. Being present really is the only way yo keep balance. The universe is doing its ebb and flow and shedding and reshedding without us and if we could just release ourselves to our own evolution we could truly reach happiness on a higher transcendence. I dont have to be anything. I dont have to do anything. This life doesnt have to mean anything. It's for me. I'm the reason. This experience is mine. Why has trust become so hard for humans? Our souls need us to trust in experience. I want the very radical act of me loving myself to encourage other people to do the same. Just be. Just be you. You dont have to be alone for being you. If people misunderstand you it doesnt mean that they are rejecting you. Some will reject you yes, those people need more love for themselves is all that means.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

Today I am dangerously on the edge. My skin doesnt feel like my skin. Everything feels dampened. All of my senses feel like they've been turned down a couple notches. It's taking everything I have to resist pounding my palms against my head. Im nauseous, shaking, shivering, burning up, tired, distracted, tense.

Im fighting off my internal critic more so than I would have been able to just a year ago. Im doing better at turning static statements into dynamic statements. I feel unstable and strong all at the same time. Im proud of myself for holding it together today. My lawyer just emailed me and im keeping it together. I don't want to eat but I did it anyway even though every bite was hard. My body is fighting me and trying to keep me in a flight or fight response. I'm going to be exhausted at the end of the day. I might cry or panic or break down. But I can do this. I can take my time to cry and rise again. I dont want nicole to have any sort of control or influence on my life ever again. I'm going to get so healthy and I'm going to heal so much that I never really think of her again. I'm going to forget all the little things about her like I already am. I'm going to stop believing the words she said to me for so long. It's not going to take me 5 more years to do it either. I'm going to move on. She will be forgotten as a chapter in my life. I've got bigger things to do. I am WAY more than my trauma. I'm so incredibly strong and I'm seeing it now. My force of will is enough to get me through it all. I can't be broken. I tried to end and break myself too many times to allow someone else to do it. I shouldnt be here but I am. I'm here for a reason. I've beaten so many odds already. I come from an extremely broken family and the cycle stops here. Everything has been stacked against me but I'm still going to be happy. Im still going to make a name for myself. I won't regret anything when I die.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

10/22/19

@dsxsquaredx and I were talking about how it can be isolating and hard to connect with people again once you start gaining your sense of self back. That's definitely what I've been experiencing for a couple months now. It's nice to feel like myself again. I actually feel like a human who belongs in normal society. Im allowed to be my own human. I don't have to conform to an image that is acceptable to my partner. There are definitely things im interested in that driver is not and vice versa. Yes I've still gotten into some things because of him but it doesn't feel forced at all. I dont feel much different and yet I feel completely different all at the same time. Even talking to new people I dont feel the compulsion as much to mimic them or have all the same interests in order for them to like me. I love that I have all different types of friends so by being myself I add even more variety to my environment.

So I kinda wanted to write a list of things I know about myself without any influence of thinking about who i used to be or who i want to be. Just the truth about me. Kinda like filling out my own character sheet, faults included. What makes me, me.

I love to play video games

I can watch anime forever

I love fantasy and everything to do with it

I love things that are spooky and dark

I love really cute things too

I like to make figurines out of clay

I really love cooking for my family

I like to bake regularly

I love taking baths but can get bored easily

I will forget the weirdest things but will also remember some very asinine stuff

I care about my friends being happy more than myself being happy

I like to make jokes but I do it in a nice way most of the time

Im still suicidal but im getting better

I really enjoy collecting magic cards

I get over simulated by sound fairly easily and it can really affect my life

I really enjoy chemistry

I really enjoy most crafts

Im charming as hell when I want to be

People want to know who I am

I love music

I love pop music and I'm not ashamed

I'm a leader and people look up to me

I speak with confidence and that is something I am proud of

I'm decisive but I can change my mind quickly which does not make me fickle, it makes me adaptable to new situations

I am adaptable

I cannot be broken

I exude a strength that not many have

I often love things that other derm unlovable

I can see the value in the smallest things

I love animals

I love bugs

I love plants and I want to get better at identifying them

Vampires are all my daddy's

I love monsters

I am a prodigy of Pan

I am a witch

My emotions run very deep and I feel everything very intensely

I try really hard to make people happy

I'm getting better at setting my boundaries

I have a lot of wisdom even beyond my age

I have an amazing sense of style

I like show tunes

I like to sing and I'm good at it

I'm very much so not intrested in cars

I'm not interested in a lot of tech beyond being able to use it

Im not really into most sci fi but will watch it for my love

I like reading but I suck at coming back to it

I suck at coming back to projects

I work best when I can complete something in one sitting or it's super easy to pick up again

I don't know if I like sports

I really love most holidays

I like decorating for holidays

I hate cleaning but I like things to be clean

I can get really good at something with not a lot of time

I have a good eye for detail

I'm a very doting partner

I have the bad habit of avoiding work I dont find engaging

I can be quiet because I really enjoy listening to others way more than talking about myself.

I'm traumatized as hell

I'm a sad and anxious bean

I'm courageous as fuck

I can inspire people

I am loved

People like me

I have some weird eating habits

I am willing to do anything it takes to get what I want

I'm in pain a lot

I need to take care of my body or I can get grumpy and snap at people

I'm patient

I'm intelligent

I love science

I'm an artist

I'm the eccentric friend

I'm loud

I'm animated

I know how to have a good time

I understand people pretty naturally

I'm a good person

I'm a good partner

I always have a million ideas

I'm flexible most of the time

Sometimes I suck at boundaries but not on purpose

I dont like being touched by people most of the time unless it's a partner

I'm a good dog mom

I love to dance

I love fashion A LOT

I can read or watch the same thing over and over and still love it

I'm a fighter

I love to fight

I love to smoke weed

I need my hair done to feel good about myself

I dont have a hard time making new friends

I do have a hard time feeling close to people

Spring is my favorite season

I'm obsessed with astrology and I do believe in it

People think I'm sexy

Some people think I'm awful

I'm willing to ruin my reputation for mine and others happiness

I'm good at sacrificing everything

I'm good at starting over

There is nothing wrong with who I am. Doing this was actually pretty great because i felt like i was writing things for a new character and if I ever met a character like myself I would really love them a lot. Im a witchy mad scientist who has a ton of love in her heart. Some how, when I think of myself as a character in a book, it's easier to not just accept my faults but to love them as an addition to my complicated character development. I think the next phase for my story is learning to trust that people have good intentions. That I will be loved and even if not everyone loves me it doesnt matter because I'm still a complex and interesting person. I cant wait to see me love myself. I cant wait to see me grow into someone who is going to stick up for herself as fiercely as she does for others. I cant wait to see the new friends and lovers that will come and go, each one changing me just a little more. I'm definitely not the person I used to be. I like me now way more than I liked me back then. Way more than I ever have liked myself before.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

10/10/19

Today Facebook decided to so kindly remind me that it would have been my 4 year wedding anniversary with Nicole. I'm not really okay at all. I keep thinking about that day and just so many emotions keep flooding in, mostly sadness and anger. I really want to destroy something. I want to chuck everything on my desk out a fucking window and then jump out after it. I want to get black out drunk. I want write her a msg and scream at her for all the damage she has caused to me.

My wedding day was a fucking joke. It was pretty much ruined before it even had a chance to start. Two days before we went down to st george I had a massive anxiety melt down because our car broke down and we had to figure out a rental. Nicole threatened to walk out on me and in response I locked myself in our bathroom and tried to cut myself. She was more concerned about scars showing up in pictures then the fact that I was so anxious and depressed that I was harming myself in a way that wasnt even patternistic for my regular depression. She didnt leave though and we still went on with our plans. We showed up to st George the night before and the moment we arrive Lori is being a fucking child. We didnt show up early enough for her liking. She needed our help picking out on of the dresses she already had but she ended up gaining a bunch of weight in the last couple of months. She had only one dress that fit and it was a wiggle dress with a skull pattern. I thought it was cute but she threw a huge fit about it because she thought she would be able to fit in something nicer and was extremely concerned about my mother judging her. She was bitching all night about the fact that she kept waiting to buy a hotel room, hoping for a deal, and she waited so long she had to book rooms right after the prices got hiked up. I go to bed extremely anxious and already hopeless.

The next day we drive the 2 hours into vegas. We take mine and Nicole's rental and darren takes his bike. I'm driving of course because it has to be either nicole or I which means the responsibility falls on me. We decide to just get the marriage certification done and over with first thing. The courthouse is obviously unfamiliar to me and not the easiest thing to find let alone find parking as well. Nicole keeps getting pissed at me for suggesting we park farther away at a more convenient location off the street and just walk over there. I finally find a close parking spot but in my frustration I end up scraping the side of the car on a high curb and it leaves a definite large scratch. Cue the berating for the bill we would receive for repairs. After we get the license we check into the hotel. I get up to our room and smoke some of the green I snuck in. I start to get ready and I'm the first one to be ready for the wedding. By this time most of my family show up. My own mother is stressed to hell so I go to her room and do hers, Sam's, and Andy's hair. I get andy done first and he takes nicole, my dad, my brother, and my sisters boyfriend at the time to go get drinks at the bar. I help alex get checked into his room and then have to deal with Nicole's mother bitching to me about my own family. I do my best to ignore it while I'm checking on the limo, the venue, the dinner reservations, etc etc.

Andy and crew come back to mine and Nicole's hotel room. I'm then taking pictures. Giving people details. Making sure we have everyone and that I'm keeping track of them all. Limo arrives and we go to the venue. I'm checking us in and getting everything ready while everyone waits. Finally nicole and I get pulled away and our guests are taken to their seats. My parents are still in the stage of not getting along in the slightest so they take both sides which pisses off Nicole's mom. The ceremony happens but of course the live stream I paid extra for didnt work so no one back home got to watch it. Never got a refund for it. We go to dinner at an italian restaurant nicole and I had really enjoyed the last time we went to vegas. Unfortunately I assumed they would split the bill but they refuse to do so. I suggest finding somewhere else or putting it all on my credit card. Nobody listens to me and the start of the arguments happen. Andy wants to order a well balanced meal but darren is refuses to eat anything green. Sam's boyfriend has a tomato allergy which we were never informed of so he straight up makes a point to say he isnt going to eat or pay for anything. This pisses off my dad enough to instigate a fight with him. Darren and lori end up moving to the other side of the table to get away from Andy. They're not willing to pay for anything either. Finally my dad and andy decide to split the bill between them. 2 hours go by and the whole time I just want to go back to my hotel room and cry my eyes out. Dinner was delicious but I couldn't enjoy it in the slightest. My poor mother is making her best efforts to keep me happy and I'm pretending that I dont want to die inside. We make plans after dinner to go to Fremont street and drink with my dad, ben, lori, and darren.

Nicole and I go get changed at our room and I smoke a bowl before we head out again. Nicole's parents ended up falling asleep in their room and lori was pissed at us later because we didnt come get them. We got out onto fremont street and my dad and brother get pretty shit faced. Couple hours they're drunk enough to bail on us and go to a strip club. To Nicole's credit she did make love to me that night. I remember wanting it and wanting her at the time but looking back I dont think I was really that into it. It felt more like I was happy about it because she did that one thing for me when she didnt have to because a lot of people said that I shouldnt plan on getting laid on my wedding night. Even just comparing that to the way I truly just want driver to touch me so intensely, it pales in comparison. Thinking back on it, I don't think I was ever the mewling slut with nicole that i am with driver. Yeah of course i would want it but i stopped getting excited. It felt more like something I was doing in desperation to be closer to her. I think the only time I was anything close to how I am with driver is when we were still living in my apartment. I learned to stop asking for it because that would only make it less likely to happen. I was totally fine with not getting enough orgasms to be fully satisfied which I still am but with her came extra shame of being too much work for somebody to even attempt. Which is definitely why we came to the agreement to even be poly. She would shame me about enjoying it too much because I'd squirt and she couldn't stand any of the mess it made. Was particularly mean when I couldn't warn her that it was going to happen. She started refusing to fuck me in the bed very early into our relationship and only wanted to fuck me in the shower. Driver is the first person I've had a healthy sexual relationship with and I got so lucky that he's so good at it at the same time. I feel so fucking bad all of the time for getting so excited about wanting him to make love to me. I feel like I ask too much and I'm just like waiting for him to get sick of it. For him to get sick of touching me or get mad at me for even asking or trying it initiating or anything. I still try to do those things though. Drivers told me that those things dont bother him but I'm still scared and I still dont trust it in the slightest. Conner did the same thing to me. He made me feel ashamed for making messes. He stopped fucking me and I only ever really fucked him. Made me feel like I was too much work so it wasnt worth trying. Honestly conner and nicole are pretty similar in a lot of ways. Both of them got physically abusive with me. Both of them raped me. Both of them manipulated and controlled me. Both of them let me do everything. Now I'm so worried that it's all me. That I'm the bad one because I had two very similar experiences and I could be the one that's causing these issues. Maybe I'm crazy and it's all an illusion. Maybe I'm the selfish and narcissistic one. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I do start fights and I scream at people for no reason and and and and and and and.

But I digress

Nicole and I had like 2 more weeks off to spend together as newly weds. We went to see the book of mormon the next day and would be spending the next 2 days after with her mother in st george. Her mom found out that we had extra time and basically threw a tantrum about us staying at her place longer because we didn't come see her as often as she liked. I had a panic meltdown in our room that night and begged nicole to tell her mother no. I was uncomfortable and unhappy enough as it was. She called me selfish that i wasnt willing to do it. I tried to compromise and give her mom one or two more days but she just kept berating me for having an issue. I just remember sobbing at her moms house on the floor the next day while everyone was gone and nicole was pissed and screaming at me for having another meltdown. That's when she got a call from her cousin in tooele informing her that her paternal grandfather was actively dying. We packed our bags and started driving towards tooele. We got there that night luckily because that was the last night he was coherent enough to interact with anyone. I went home the next day and nicole stayed. I had never met this side of the family before and felt like I was intruding on a very private time. I spent the week by myself and the week after helping with the funeral. I cried myself to sleep by myself those nights.

I know that getting married again won't be like that. I know when I finally get to call myself drivers spouse that it will be a happy day. Even if nothing goes as planned I will still just be so so happy. I dont need all the fancy bells and whistles. Hell I could get married in vegas again. I could get married at the court house. What upset me about marrying nicole was the complete lack of concern about my happiness from multiple people. Nicole started suggesting we have another ceremony at home to make up for it. She really started pushing for it when we moved to tooele but I kept putting it off. I didnt want to go through all that labor again and I wasn't so sure about binding my soul to hers with a hand fasting anymore. I think she only started insisting because she knew on some level that I was super unhappy. I'm so glad I'm not celebrating with her today. I'm so fucking happy I'm away from her. My anxiety keeps thinking that shes the one im waiting for to come home. But no, I'm waiting for the love of my life. I'm waiting for driver to come home and take me into his arms. I'm waiting for the gentle touches, soft kisses, kind words. I dont prefer being alone anymore. Skipping work is not near as enjoyable as it used to be. Being home alone is definitely not my preference any longer. @dsxsquaredx

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

Oct 5th 2019

I looked at some pictures of myself right after I left nicole and holy shit I was such a mess. I was so fucking broken and desperate to be loved. I really have come such a long way in under a year. I've completely cleaned my life out of toxic people. I'm working on me and I'm learning more about myself everyday. Im really excited to see who I'm becoming. I only have more work to do but im in a good spot to do it. I'm so glad it's not too late for me. I'm glad I didnt die in my sleep like I should have so many times. I'm so glad @dsxsquaredx found me and had the patience to see me through it. I'm always going to pick him over everything because I know he would do the same. That doesnt mean putting up with any shitty behavior. It means loving each other enough to communicate and do what we can to work it out. I'm definitely not nearly as sad anymore. Maybe more anxious because of me cleaning up my life but not sad. I feel like I've only barely begun to break out of an abusive cycle. Not just abuse from others but abuse caused by myself not setting my boundaries and not sticking up for myself. I feel so much more confident and comfortable doing so having driver by my side. I feel a lot more secure in our relationship and I'm so fucking thankful to myself for just leaving nicole and not dragging driver along while I try to decide what I'm doing with myself. I'm so thankful I just let go of everything I've ever known or worked towards so I could put my life in the hands of the gods. I never thought I'd be able to do it. I had reserved myself to a life of complete unhappiness. I really honestly thought that was the best that my life was going to be. I'm learning that I can ALWAYS ask for more. If that's what I need to be happy then that's what I need to ask for. What I need more than anything on this earth is patience and kindness and that's definitely not too much to ask for. I try my damn hardest each and every day and fuck anybody who doesnt see it. I rather be alone than unhappy and I'm so glad to finally reach this place. I think this is self love. I dont really love my personality or my body but I do love myself enough to strive for happiness regardless of my short comings. I'm an extremely strong person at this point. I'm not that afraid of going to school because I can handle being mentally strained. I feel lucky to have gone through all this in my youth. Basically did a bunch of level grinding right in the beginning. I really want to find a way to share my experience and have it actually help someone.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

Oct 2nd 2019

Im starting to feel better from the flash backs. Driver and I made love and it did help reset my emotions plus I started my period. I'm feeling less insecure and less needy but I'm having some lingering grumpiness but that may be due to outside influences. I really really hate how much intimacy has an affect on me. I dont think its inherently sex that I crave so intensely. I know I'm not touch starved anymore but I think I still crave a lot of closeness. It just feels so good to actually have my partners attention a lot of the time even without being super sick or emotionally distraught. Sometimes I wouldn't even get it then.

Sometimes I really start to get irritated with myself. I feel like I sound like a broken sob story. Im still so affected by my ex and I really fucking hate it. I hate dwelling on upsetting things. I hate blaming my shit on anything. I rather just take responsibility 99% of the time. I wasnt my best in that relationship either. I was so young when we met and there were still definitely some learning curves. After awhile I became impatient and I should have established my boundaries with nicole from the beginning instead of bending over backwards on things that are important to me. I should have told her no when she asked me to quit smoking weed and let her think I was just druggy garbage. I think i did help nicole in some ways. I definitely relaxed her view on that even with her still being a bitch about it. I hope I did open her mind to new things. I do hope she gets better. I hope she does treat jen right and I do hope they can be happy.

I'm nervous about court tomorrow. It's like I'm already exhausted by it and I just really do not want to deal. I need to get it done because then it can just be over. I know im just complaining but I'm allowed to complain. After this I need to focus on the divorce. I'm hoping I dont have to pay for the whole thing but I get a feeling I will.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

I keep getting these fairly random influxes of insecurity throughout the day. I feel completely desperate to hold onto what I have because I feel like I could lose it at any moment. The panic will just build up in my chest and leave as quickly as it comes. It feels like I'm never getting away from it. It feels like I'm always going to be afraid, like I'm never going to know how to be safe.

I really hate myself lately. I've definitely taken a step back when it comes to that. I havent felt very cute in a couple weeks and I really dont like it. I've been loving the way I look most of the time for the last couple months but the last couple weeks I keep picking apart every perceived flaw. I feel big and unproportional. I feel really awkward in my skin. I cant find clothes in my closet that make me feel even an ounce better. I hate my hair right now. I normally always at least like my facial features but I hate those too. Therapy is probably a good idea but I just want to get ahead financially. Im not in danger or anything, just unhappy with myself.

Im baking and doing a ton more art though which is a good sign. Im feeling good about my art which is even better. I'm going to work and not hating my life every day.

I didnt know that dealing with ptsd would be like this. I didnt know that the worst part isnt the flash backs of events but the resurfacing of the self loathing that was experienced during those events. I feel so vulnerable and exposed and angry. Im fucking angry that this is happening and I feel helpless. Im fucking angry that nicole thought it was okay to damage me so much that I end up like this. I wonder if she gets to experience anything like this but I highly doubt it considering I didnt make every day of her life for the last 5 years a living hell. Anything that happens to her because of our break up is nothing in comparison to the fact that I have to pick up the pieces of myself and try to glue myself into something that looks anything like the person I was without her. She got to send me nasty text msgs during our break up because she needed closure but I wont get that. I'm just not the type of person to get nasty after all business is handled. It's too much effort in the end and has never yielded the response I wanted in the past. I just want her to know what she did to me but I doubt she would even give feeling bad about it a second thought. I kinda hope she DOESN'T learn from this. I hope she keeps holding herself back and ruins every relationship she has. I hope jen gives her everything she asks for and nothing she needs.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

Today I feel afraid.

I feel afraid of how in love I am with @dsxsquaredx right now. I'm afraid of losing it. It doesnt feel real. Wheres the problem? Wheres the part that needs fixing?

I'm afraid I'm so in love that I couldn't leave until I was destroyed completely.

He is always on my mind. It's really hard to think of much else honestly. I'm amazed that he would even want to be around me in the first place much less be in love with me as well.

I'm afraid that I'm not enough for him, that I'll become boring.

I dont think he is doing anything to make me feel like this. I can see it in his body how much happier he is these days. His eyes aren't nearly as sad as they used to be. He has a lot more energy. Hes doing better keeping track of things. He has hope for the future and we have goals we are working on. He is doing art stuff and working on the computer more and I'm so so so so so so fucking proud of this human. I can't wait to see how well he is going to do when we get him back into school. I hope we can find a place that gives him a space to be able to concentrate. I hope we can keep him on the medications he needs to make life easier. ( although I still really love him when he is unmedicated.) I hope I can help turn his life into something spectacular. I want to make him happier than he ever thought possible. I want to build a family and a home for us to spend our lives on.

I should start working on my body so I dont feel so self conscious. I've been loving my skin but for the last couple weeks I've really hated how I look.

I'm reacting to situations the way I would have while with nicole. I feel myself being defensive automatically. I feel like I'm going to be criticized at every turn. I feel like I cant do anything right. I feel like anything I do or ask for is going to be used against me later. Im even starting to feel like driver might not want me sexually and that it's the pressure I put on him that makes it so he touches me at all. I dont like feeling this way especially when it doesn't feel like I have a reason to. I think that this has been in the works for a couple weeks instead if just the couple of days of flash backs I've been having. I think I've been starting to get into this mind pattern for a minute. At least 2 or 3 weeks. I feel like I'm messing up at work even doing everything I should. I always have insecurities but right now I feel very very small.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

Right now I am feeling really disconnected, insecure, reclusive, on edge, and hyper alert. I'm still having flash back moments and I think it's starting to warp feelings and reality for me. I really want physical affection, attention, intimacy in all forms right now. It doesnt feel like I'm getting enough even though I'm getting more than I was a month ago with @dsxsquaredx and I starting to cuddle after work. I think the flash backs are starting to not only include time with nicole but also Conner and high school. Ever since i got my new job it has felt like my brain has shifted because I'm feeling better about myself and my situation. Maybe having flash backs is the result of that? I did also sleep with someone with a bio penis for the first time and maybe this is a delayed reaction? The anniversary of me leaving nicole is coming up in a month? My bankruptcy is being filed this week? It could be a combination of all these things i suppose. I dont think I've ever had flash backs before or at least not like this. I dont think it helps that the floors in my apartment are similar to floors I installed in my first home.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a little afraid of this happening. What if it continues to happen? What if it destroys the relationships I have left? What happens if I become even more mentally ill? I already feel like I cant do enough because of my illnesses. Touch really helps bring me back to reality. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe because I was hardly ever touched in the past? I'm really desperate to just snap out of it but I dont think it's going to happen like that. I feel like I'm in a silent hill game and just all the sudden there are these nightmare moments where things feel warped and my head plays out different terrible scenarios that are going to happen next. Itll be seemingly innocuous things a lot of the time but like one time when I was doing something at the kitchen counter I had a flash back where it felt like I was going to go into the bedroom and nicole would be in my bed and she would bark orders at me and we will be together and driver will have never existed in my life. Or even while I was typing this out gave me flash backs of when I'd be crying at typing things out while I was with Conner.

I dont feel like me right now and I dont like it.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

My ex has been popping into my head a lot this week. It's been pretty exhausting to say the least. I keep getting flash backs and it feels like I'm back with her and back in our house together. I can feel myself being hyper sensitive, reactive, irritated, defensive, aggressive, reclusive, etc etc etc. Its kinda like I'm walking in a nightmare and right now I have a break from it but at any second I could turn around and be in full nightmare mode. Why now? What triggered this? The longer im out of that relationship the more im realizing how traumatized I am, and not just by her. My entire life has been trauma after trauma. Makes me feel like I'm just being "sensitive". I've made new friends and as I begin to talk about my past and open up about that relationship and the relationship I have with my family, I am often confused by the sympathetic looks I get. Logically I know I've been through a lot but here I am still standing, still able to work, doing better than I ever have. I do have this optimistic streak that does tend to make me not recognize my issues. I'm just really grateful for what I have 95% of the time. @dsxsquaredx said the other day that it often seems like I'm in awe of what I have and for the most part that's pretty damn accurate. I've attempted taking my life too many times to not appreciate still being alive. I've put myself into situations where I should be dead. Just before my life ends I find a way out. I recognize that I have a lot of strength but I'm tired of having to use it. I feel more and more destroyed each time. I've built myself back up so many fucking times. I dont trust people or even myself anymore. I feel constantly on my toes about making sure my relationships are healthy. At this point im expecting to be treated like garbage eventually. Im especially afraid of anyone who is attracted to me. I think that's part of the reason I'm not falling for people as quickly as I used to. Granted that may keep me safer but I dont know if I like that new development. I used to think that if you could just create the right space, that anyone would naturally want to be a good person. I don't know if I believe that anymore. Not how the world is right now. I'm begrudgingly coming to terms with the fact that I am attractive to a lot of humans but like also that opens up whole new cans of worms for me. I don't feel safe existing. Im waiting for life to fall apart again. I feel like another well spring inside of me has opened and I have even more to process and work through. I don't feel like I deserve an ounce of what I have right now. I can't escape the feeling of being a harmful person no matter how hard I try. I don't feel like I deserve my partner no matter how hard they try to make me feel otherwise.

The year anniversary of leaving the hardest relationship of my life is a litte under a month away. A new anniversary to make me contemplate how far I've come. Another one to resurface bad feelings. I'm not very good with dates but those dates I always remember. I remember severing the parent/child relationship with my mom. I remember my first long term ex leaving me with nothing the day after Christmas. My own birthday reminds me of when nobody cared and my father still doesnt.

I'm sick of being patient with myself. Im sick of this tug and pull in my head. I take care of myself a lot more now but with that comes so much guilt. I'm trying to let people help me and not utterly fucking panic when they do so. I'm trying not to put on a face because that's all I did before and that's why no one knew how close I was to dying. I'm sick of putting my self on fire to please others and not feeling safe in my relationships with them UNLESS I do so. I don't really know how to not do that quite yet. I very so much want to just be able to do it all. I want to be so wildly successful and secure that no one can hurt me again. If I could just stop relying on other people then maybe it wont destroy me so much when they leave. Maybe then I wont let people who want to destroy me to stick around long enough to do so. Love is a gamble and I sure do like to roll the dice. I dont know if I'll ever let myself be enough. It really isnt anyone's fault but my own that I cant let myself be enough.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

Day 1: Do you sing when you're alone?

All the time! I have music playing constantly when I'm alone and you can regularly find me belting out my favorite songs that when I think no one is around.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

1. Do you sing when you're alone? 2. Favorite pastel color? 3. Hearts or stars? 4. Cute things you do? 5. Favorite thing cats do? 6. Favorite cute word? 7. Butterflies or dragonflies? 8. Stargazing or watching the sun rise? 9. Do you make wishes? 10. What songs did you like when you were young? 11. Write 10 words to describe your personality. 12. Can you dance? Do you dance? 13. Favorite animal? 14. Polka dots or stripes? 15. Do you wear make up? When? 16. Do you watch cartoons? 17. Things you still do that only kids are supposed to do? 18. 3 qualities you like about yourself? 19. Do you smile a lot? 20. What dere type are you? (Yandere, Tsundere, Kamidere, Dandere, etc.) 21. Favorite model? 22. Layers or nah? 23. Favorite nail polish color / name? 24. Come up with a name for a crayon? 25. Describe your year so far with a gif. 26. Favorite kind of candy bar? 27. Gummies or chocolate? 28. Do you blush? 29. Favorite flower? 30. Mermaids or fairies? 31. Which planet do you like best? 32. Favorite Disney princess? 33. What would your magical girl name and power be? 34. Favorite cereal? 35. Are you good at hide and seek? 36. Are you quiet? 37. Do you post cute aesthetic stuff? If not, would you like to? 38. Best kit-kat flavor? 39. Dream job when you were younger? 40. Do you doodle? 41. Favorite childhood store? 42. Favorite childhood book, show or video game? 43. Have you ever lucid dreamed? 44. Sunshine or moonbeams? 45. Do you keep a journal? 46. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you an open book? 47. One color to describe your personality? 48. Do you swear? When did you start? 49. Do you paint your nails? When? 50. Do you wish you were a kid again?

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

I don't want to leave my house anymore.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

I feel so fucking taken advantage of every single fucking day. I haven't had a day to myself for a good solid month and a half and I'm going to explode. Everyone has been fucking me over and I'm so fucking sick of it. My mental health is spiriling out of control and I can't catch a fucking break. I've been the only one to clean the house because Nicole is too sick to do so. Suddenly everyone needs me right fucking now and those I need never come through. I wish someone would do something nice for me for once. I feel like no one has any respect for me. I wish I fucking dead. No one gives a shit that I'm dying inside right now. How the fuck do I say no? How do I justify being the unavailable ass hole when the guilt ways me up inside. No one calls unless they need me. Am I that undesirable as just a friend? Do I hold no worth unless I provide a service? I wish I could kill myself. I'm invisible anyway.

[ieatpenniesformythoughts]

I wish people would stop losing their inner child. Being a child is a magical thing. The adventure. The new experiences every single day. You have to see the world through child eyes or you'll miss out on all the good stuff. Keep your innocence and forgive the world in their moments of weakness. Learn and understand with complete openness. Trust in others and most importantly trust in yourself. Be persistent with new things! Then show it off proudly. Ask for help when your struggling. Some how, we have all these wonderful life skills as children and then we lose them all as life weighs down on us. Keep your younger self close and make sure to indulge in their childish whims.