#did so not bc they want this but because they see it as a question between them being genocided or the Palestinians
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NFWMB - PART FIVE*
Summary: “Y/N hasn’t been able to stop thinking about what happened, but it seems like she is not the only one overthinking this time…”
Tropes: innocent!reader x boxer!harry
Wc: 3k
Warnings: smutty scenes, oral (fem receiving), dirty talk, teeny tiny bit of angst ig
A/N: I AM BACK! I finished my exams today and I hurried home to write the rest of this chapter bc I have been itching to do so for the past weeks. I will try not to put as much time in between the next chapters, sorry about that! Love you all and enjoy!!!
General Masterlist
Series Masterlist
It had been three days. Three entire days since the kissing-in-the-car debacle that Y/N had participated in, and she still wasn't over it. How was she supposed to act normal at their class tomorrow? It had plagued her mind ever since she walked into her apartment that Saturday night.
All weekend, she had been contemplating different things. Saturday and Sunday, she was sure she wanted to never see his face again because she couldn't stand the embarrassment. But when Monday rolled around and re-thought everything after coming back from work, she realized that she should probably be mature and talk to him.
However, that resulted into her pacing around her room like a maniac with the phone in her hand, his number ready to dial. For the past twenty minutes she had been trying to convince herself to just press that call button and get it over with.
"C'mon..." Y/N growled to herself. She stopped in her tracks, took a deep breath, and finally called him. Her hands were sweating as the dial tone sounded over and over again, and the nerves she felt were sure to explode her stomach, but she kept breathing and waited for Harry to pick up.
The distant sound of a phone ringing took Y/N’s attention away from her own attempted call. Her heart began beating even faster as she walked towards her front door, and sure enough, when looking through her peephole, she saw Harry standing in front of her door.
As she took the lock off, Y/N broke up the call and putting her phone in her pocket. Harry's eyes were wide at the door opening all of a sudden, but he still managed to muster an awkward smile amidst his shock before he greeted her.
"Hi." He said quietly.
"Hi." She greeted back, unsure of what to do or say or feel. "uhm, what are you doing here?"
The question came out so soft, as if she was scared to ask it, not ready for the consequences his answer may bear. Maybe it was true; she had always had the feeling that her body was better at communicating her true feelings than her brain was.
"I need to talk to you." Harry said, his tone serious enough for Y/N's chest to start pressing on her, but a soft edge to it nonetheless. "Can I come in?"
She nodded, opening the door wider and letting Harry inside her apartment. He walked in and silently observed the place. Y/N felt oddly tense as she waited for him to take it all in, but he was quite quick to turn around. In the seconds that he stood there, entirely quiet, Y/N deduced the obvious: he was awaiting some instructions from her.
"Go sit on the couch, do you want something to drink?" She asked, already heading for the kitchen. Harry sat down like she told him to, but shook his head.
"No thank you, just wanna talk. Can you... sit down?" His difficulty to meet her eye and the apprehension behind his words had Y/N immediately head for the couch and sit down next to him.
"What did you want to talk about?" She asked innocently, like she wasn’t the reason this awkwardness existed in the first place.
"About last Saturday." He answered. You began to shake your head, cheeks already reddening from the shame that washed over you.
"Harry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"
"Just— hold on," He interrupted her. "I said something, that night, I can't help but think that you didn't take it how I meant it. And it has been eating at me all weekend because I'd hate to be the fool who accidentally rejected you."
Harry's eyes bored into Y/N's until she couldn't take the intensity of it anymore and looked down. He leaned forward, putting his hand on her leg. She studied his fingers as they slowly caressed her skin.
"Harry, it's okay. I misinterpreted it, you don't have to make excuses to make me feel better." She shrugged her shoulders, hoping to prematurely dodge any bullets that might have ended up with her crying otherwise.
"I'm not!" He protested. "I— Y/N, look at me."
When she didn't instantly comply, Harry's fingers traced up to her chin and redirected her face towards him, forcing her to meet his gaze. His thumb slowly stroked her chin as he took in every inch of her face.
"I wanted it." He said slowly, making sure she heard every word he says. Slowly leaning in, he added: "Really bad."
His lips hovered near hers, so close it was nearly sending her into a frenzy, but far away enough for him to assess her reaction on his movements. But Y/N was an open book, a reactive person when it came to these desires. She couldn't feign disinterest as she had never felt this strongly about someone in such a perverted manner before. Harry mouth slowly curled up into a smirk.
"Can I show you how badly I wanted it?" He asked, the heat of his breath reaching her face and making her core pulsate. The only thing Y/N could do was nod, and before she knew it, Harry's lips closed in on hers.
A soft whine escaped her throat as he kissed her, the desperation of her body unshielded under his roughly delicate touch. Nothing seemed to make sense as he slowly slipped his tongue into her mouth and pushed her back on the couch, nothing but him.
Harry leaned forward, not taking his mouth off Y/N as she sat against the armrest. He hovered over her, his body between her spread legs. One of his hands was holding onto her waist, while the other one kept him up by holding onto the armrest.
As their tongues danced around each other, Harry's hand slipped down from her waist towards her inner thighs, and Y/N felt her panties getting wet at the suggestive caresses of her skin. She put her hands on Harry's shoulders and pushed him back a little bit, their lips now apart. Still caught up in the heat of the moment, Harry mindlessly trailed his kisses down her jaw and then onto her neck.
"Harry." Y/N tried to get his attention, but his name sounded more like an erotic plea, and caused a growl to sound from his lips, followed by a rougher treatment on her neck. Her eyes nearly rolled into the back of her head as his lips sucked at that sensitive skin of her, and a small whine fell from her as he bruised her neck.
"Ha— hmm... Harry!" She exclaimed. "S— stop."
Within a millisecond, or at least it felt like that, Harry's hands and mouth were removed from her. His face was filled with worry as he took in hers.
"Are you okay? Did I go too far?" He began asking, but she was quick to shake her head.
"No! It's just— I haven't really, done much of this before. I don't have a lot of experience and uhm, I just wanted you to know that before we... proceeded." Y/N explained, voice near trembling as she spoke. Harry's eyes softened, and his face pulled into a soft smile.
"Thank you for telling me." He said, leaning forward and giving her a kiss before pulling back, sitting up straight. "I just have one question, though."
Y/N nodded, big doe eyes staring right at him as that innocent smile transformed into a smug grin.
"Can I show you what I actually wanted to do last Saturday?" He asked, stroking her already spread legs. Before she knew it, the answer fell from Y/N's lips.
"Yes."
He let out a satisfied hum before his hands grabbed at her shorts and pulled them down along with her underwear, leaving her bare cunt to be exposed to him. Y/N blushed, feeling slightly embarrassed at how exposed she was, but the fascination that twinkled in Harry's eyes washed most of her insecurities away. She watched carefully as he leaned down and his fingers began stroking her folds.
Y/N held her breath in anticipation, curiously waiting for Harry to continue, and when he finally put his hands on her clit, she couldn't help but shift in her seat a bit at the tingling sensation.
"O— oh!" She shrieked when she felt Harry's tongue attached itself to her clit, his middle finger now paying more attention to slowly beginning to slide in and out of her. Y/N tried to control her breathing to the best of her abilities as Harry explored her sopping and pulsating core.
Y/N's mind had gone all fuzzy from the sweet feeling of his touch on her sensitive parts. It was impossible to focus on anything else than Harry, and even if it was, she wouldn't dare take her eyes off of him anyway. It was addictive, the way he was ravishing her like she was a culinary meal, and it felt glorying.
Harry temporarily removed his mouth from her heat, and looked up at Y/N before saying: "C'mon, angel. Tell me how it feels."
Her heart skipped a beat at the nickname she'd grown to love ever since the first time he said it, and she tried to control her whines as she responded.
"So— ah! So good..." She managed to reply, her knuckles turning white from balling up her fists in an attempt to not come too early. Harry's tongue swept over her clit in such an intoxicating way, and his now two fingers pumping in and out of her was only getting her closer to her inevitable climax.
Harry moaned at her verbal approval, and picked up the pace of both his mouth and his fingers, leaving her nothing but a whimpering mess under him. This was surely going to be the death of her, wasn’t it?
"Harry— I think I'm going to..." She ran out of breath before she could finish your sentence, and she began convulsing around him, legs trembling as her orgasm began to reach her like a wave building up. And then just like that, it crashed.
With a cry of his name and a few profanities that followed, the sensual waves of her release hit Y/N. The release was slow and long, and one of the most satisfying ones she'd ever had. Harry's touch stayed on her skin, helping her ride out her high.
When he finally backed away, Y/N was still breathing heavily from what she had just experienced. Wide eyed, she observed how he licked his lips before he looked up at her. She could've come again from the sight of that alone.
"D'you want some water?" Harry suddenly asked, getting up from the couch and walking over to your kitchen. She followed him with her eyes, mouth agape as he went through her kitchen cabinets until he stumbled upon two glasses and filled them with water. As he returned to the couch, he raised a brow, indicating that he was still waiting on an answer.
"Uhm, yes, thank you." Y/N stumbled as he handed her the glass. She took a few sips, scanning him while she drank. He was so casual all of a sudden, leaning back against the couch with his legs spread like that... there was something cocky about it and Y/N wasn't sure if she wanted to roll her eyes at it or jump his bones.
Possibly both, at the same time.
Y/N put her glass down and slowly crawled over to Harry, who sniffed a laugh at her wobbly movements on the way too squishy couch. She hoped it would at least come off as cute, now that her attempt at being sexy had been trampled by her own furniture.
As the laughter from both parties died down, Y/N took it upon herself to slowly start kissing Harry's neck. Her heartbeat rose when she felt him shifting in his seat, a pained sigh escaping his throat. Meticulously, she dragged her hand down his chest until it reached his pants, and she began unbuckling his belt.
She was surprised when she felt his hand pull hers away, and stopped her actions to see what was going on. When she saw his clenched jaw, she frowned.
"Are you okay?"
"You don't have to do that angel." He said, tilting his head a bit. She slowly shook her head.
"Oh, alright." She said, and felt a pang in her chest at the idea that she could've done something wrong. Harry took both of her hands, cupping his over them.
"I’d like to save it for next time." He suggested, the slight raise of his brow adding a certain playfulness to his reply. The hint of a smile on his face filled her with a warm feeling, and she quickly found herself nodding at what Harry had said.
“Plus, I have to get my beauty rest… I’ve got a long day tomorrow. I teach this private self-defense class, client’s got me working till late.” He joked, eyes beaming when a giggle fell from her lips. Y/N took her bottom lip between her teeth, stomach fluttering as she took in the painfully beautiful, funny, charismatic man in front—or well, under her.
“Really? Is she any good?” She teased back, brows raising in surprise when Harry nodded.
“Difficult to teach tho.” He responded.
“Why’s that?” Y/N questioned, genuine curiosity dripping from her tone. Harry took his eyes off her and shamelessly lowered his gaze to her body as his hands, that had dug into her waist, slowly began to trail down to her ass.
“‘S just so hard to concentrate…” He said lowly, and she felt her core heating up again at the sole sound of Harry’s voice. Her cheeks flushed alike at what he was implying, and she felt like an animal with the way her body reacted to him.
Y/N remained as quiet as she could, savoring Harry’s touch on her bare skin. She would have closed her eyes, had she not been too mesmerized by her face to do so.
Nerves swirled in her stomach as she watched Harry’s stare trail upwards again, only to stop at her lips. Gradually, he leaned forward, closing the gap between the two’s mouths. Y/N couldn’t help the sigh that escaped her when Harry put his lips on her again, and much like the touch of his hands on her, she relished in the way his tongue circled around hers, and she was surprised at how well their bodies captured the connection that she had been unable to explain in words.
It was safe to say that Y/N was disappointed when at last Harry pulled away, but she couldn’t be mad at him, not with that face of his.
Her eyes widened when he got up all of a sudden, hands still holding up her thighs in the few moments before she wrapped them tightly around him in response to the sudden movement. He sniffed a laugh, which Y/N was only able to hear because her arms were locked around Harry’s neck and her face was only a few centimeters away from his. The urge to smile almost prevailed over her shock.
Harry’s hands let go of Y/N’s thighs, and she lowered her legs in response, putting her feet on the ground again and removing herself from his touch completely.
As they walked towards the front door, Y/N found herself to be a bit gloomy. She didn’t want him to leave, he was so fun to be around. He made her not worry, which was a miracle because Y/N always worried. And she knew she’d go back to worrying and overthinking the second she’d be alone again, so the prospect of Harry going away was not the most fun. She had to remind herself that she’d see him tomorrow, though.
Y/N opened the door, waiting as Harry put on his coat. When he finally had, he turned to her one last time.
“Sleep tight, angel.” He said, and with that, walked right out the door. Y/N croaked out a weak ‘bye’, but she was pretty sure she’d heard the elevator ding by then.
It took her a minute to recover physically before turning off her lights in the living room and floating towards her bathroom, where she smiled like an idiot all the way through brushing her teeth.
It wasn’t until her head hit the pillow that what she dreaded came along again: that tiresome worry. Thoughts and scenarios filled her head as she lied in bed, watching the ceiling as if it would grant her answers, or peace.
It was as if, with Harry, nothing else truly mattered. Not necessarily in the corny, dramatic way, but rather in the sense that it felt like the outside world wasn’t that much of a factor in Y/N’s decisions, nor did she have the feeling that it should be whenever she was around him. But when he was gone, it would all start to matter again and suddenly she found herself doubting whether dating Harry would even be a good idea.
What would her parents think? What would Sophie think? Would she be viewed as less professional by her co-workers for dating her trainer? Would it impact Harry’s reputation—
She stopped herself. Probably not, considering Harry was a man.
It was with a frown that Y/N eventually dozed off into a deep slumber. Not even in her dreams she was safe from the anxiety that plagued her, a nightmare about being fired stirring her awake at around four in the morning. She was more exhausted when she woke up than when she went to bed.
But despite all of it, her body still buzzed in anticipation of tonight’s class…
Taglist: @meetmeatyourworst @mema10 @seafoamwhispers @namoreno @inkedskin @fangirl509east @mellamolayla @lizsogolden @prettydelilah @kierramcduffie @harry2121 @babegoals @hermionelove @bitchidontpost @lomlolivia
#harry styles#writing#fanfic#fanfiction#blurb#harry#one direction#one shot#smut#excerpt#harryedwardstyles#harry styles fan fic#harry styles fic#harry styles fanfic#harry styles fanfiction#harry edward styles
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✨ShadowPeach Bio Parents Bio AU Q&A! 7/11✨
Welcome to the Q&A! A space where I can answer related or similar question about the Shadowpeach Bio Parents AU! If you submitted your ask anonimously, then you’ll have to check the whole post if it’s answered here, if it’s not, worry not! Your asks might have been used for a future comic or just in the queue~
Anonimo ha chiesto: AWIUSBSWDN I LOVE your art especially your LMK comic! Wanted to ask if you've seen that one fan art on twitter from @/Jay_chaos_art on twitter (or X) That is the part where little MK is holding Macaque's finger AAAA that scene is too cute! Also poor MK :']
Awww I saw that! It's sooooo good!!! For anyone wanting to see it, check it out HERE!
Anonimo ha chiesto: ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ sʜᴀᴅᴏᴡᴘᴇᴀᴄʜ ᴘᴀʀᴇɴᴛs ᴀᴜ ᴡʜʏ ᴅᴏ ɪ ʜᴇᴀʀ ᴛʜᴇsᴜɴ ᴘʀᴏᴘᴏsᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴏɴ? ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪs ɪᴛ's ᴀ sᴏɴɢ ᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜᴛᴜʙᴇ.ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ!
Aw thanks for the song rec!!
Anonimo ha chiesto: If I remember correctly macaque can hear people thoughts so I just imagine mk having thoughts about ✨courtnapping✨ and macaque just hears it
Macaque is just
Anonimo ha chiesto Mei if she knew what was going on inside MK’s head. Mei: it’s called being a “Furry” MK it’s the biggest plus to have in a world filled with anthropomorphic animal Yaoguai. That and the awesome magic stuffs.
me too Mei, the fuck
Anonimo ha chiesto: Soo that time when shadowpeach were at pigzi's and saw tang with the "bite mark"🌝 Did they realise what was goinn on?? Will they like ask mk or smt about it? *I can imagine the shock on their faces*
They don't know if either to be shocked or not since they called it
@straightally2001 ha chiesto: I love and hunger for Spicynoodles! 🍜🔥 What if during demon courting season, Pif decides that even though her son is strong she doesn't want to risk her son to end up court napped by some demon stranger that he doesn't even like. She wants him to be happy. So, she goes to MK and tells him about Red Son's feeling for him and convinces him to courtnap Red Son.
asjcajcb can't answer yet bc of spoilers!!
@stardynamite ha chiesto: I was desperately searching for another good fandom fanfic to latch onto here because I can’t draw fanart at the moment and you have saved me for my eternal searching with your lmk au, thank you sire🫡 I am forever indebted to you for thouesth servicesth
Aw thank youu!!!
Anonimo ha chiesto: What would a demon do with the other person after they courtnapped them? Like is it just a forced date?
Nah I mean, If they refuse the courtnapping the captors has to release them otherwise they would just look like an asshole. If they agree then it's more of a surprise date.
Anonimo ha chiesto: Other demons who have tried to cournap wukong seeing Macaque do it with ease: HOW THE FUCK DID HE NOT DIE
He has the advantages that Wukong is a Simp
@wolfsonic ha chiesto: AWWWWWW!!! I LOVE THESE MONKIESSS! I just imagine Mk and Mac training with shadows, and Mk decided one day to practice his shadows by trying to tickle WuKong!
betrayed by his own son
@phoenixeclipse-lmkau ha chiesto: Is Macaque going to have to re-courtnap Wukong because they broke up before? Or would Wukong Courtnap Macaque after all this. Or are they just gonna skip the courtnapping part since they already did it in the past?
depends if we go by the headcanon that courtnapping=marriage
@elixcv ha chiesto: HI! first of all, I just wanna say that I LOVEEEEEEE you bio parent AU, it simply scratches something in my brain. I wish you all the good things in the world(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*.✧ Now, in second place, I have 2 questions (and dw, if it's smth u don't/can't answer i don't mind, i just wanna say it, i guess?): 1. In your AU, pigsy is some kind of lower/not-so-strong demon? And, if he is, did he also Courtnapping Tang in his own way? 2. Can the courtnapping go both ways? Like, it just can happen one time per couple, or is a requirement that u have to courtnapping the other person back to show ur feelings? Bc, I can see a MK Courtnapping RS, and then RS trying to Courtnapping back, and in my head is like they're playing around the city in a complicated game of tag, or a hide n' seek. This can also apply to swk and macaque. I appreciate your thoughts about anything of this, even if I'm wrong in every way. I'm so excited about this AU and really love the way you write/draw it (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤ (sorry for the bad English, I know to read/hear but the grammatical is always a pain in my ass ಥ‿ಥ)
Yes, he's a lower demon, but in the end, it was Tang who did the courtnapping bc he thought that Pigsy wouldn't date him if he didn't court him the demon way, while Pigsy was planning on courting him the human way.
Yes. I think courtnapping can go both way but it's not a must or expected to.
@straightally2001 ha chiesto: I was reading your last post about MK and his mortality and I was wondering, if MK was on the verge of dying and there was no other way to save him would Monkey King give him a Peach of Immortality? Would MK be upset about it? Also sorry if this question is too angsty 😅 Anonimo ha chiesto: Isn't redson immortal due to being half celestial or fallen celestial idk? Wouldn't he try to convince mk to take it if they get together? @purpleprinceblood ha chiesto: I think Wukong desperately wants Mk to be immortal but also knows that a) Mk would hate it and b) Wukong would too Like, dude has severe depression from his immortality and his friends leaving him, I think he would hate to watch Mk deal with that I could see Wukong offering Mk a life span growing thing, like in jttw iirc the peaches add like 500 years to your life span, Wukong just eats so many of them that they make him immortal, so I could see him offering it as a "I'm scared to lose you but also don't want you suffering like I do" @sakurablossoms-world ha chiesto: Wouldn’t MK technically be long-living since he’s the child of two powerful entities, I mean Redson is 500 and he’s considered to be in his early 20’s by mortal comparison, so wouldn’t it be expected that he’d outlive everyone (Redson and maybe Mei being an exception)? So while he would still value his mortality, immortality wouldn’t really make that big a difference in hindsight. Then again I could be mistaken.
I think MK wouldn't like to become immortal against his choice regardless. Yes, in S1 we see he wanted to become one, but I think he still was in that phase were he just wanted to be/do everything like his hero. And that included eating a peach of immortality. I don't think he ever thought of the implication of being immortal
@yainmy ha chiesto: If Mk has been developing more of Macaques powers does that mean he can develope shadow clones like Rumble and Savage? Or will it be a chaotic nightmare like that one clones episode in the series?
He can only control one shadow clone: his own shadow!
Anonimo ha chiesto: Hello, I'm too nervous to send this non-anonymously, but I was wondering if I could take inspo from your ShadowPeach Bio parents AU for my own AU called Twins Of The Cycle? It's an AU with my oc, I basically just gave MK a twin.
Nope. If you want to ask for permission, you need to ask me not in anounymous.
@oddogoblino ha chiesto: Random but I find it so silly to imagine Wukong doesn't have the courtnapping instinct bc he's just a stone monkey (made up of pieces of heaven itself + the earth bc...stone), so the times he blushes over Mac are just him imagining cute innocent stuff like wanting to hold Macaque super close and cuddly. Also funnier thing, I was playing with the idea of shape-shifting being gender-limited for most beings/demons and Wukong's ability to shape-shift into women being wukong being an iconic monkey again so your latest update is a very fun surprise ! Yippee!!!
waitwaitwait I got it-
Anonimo ha chiesto: Can they monkeys purr like kittens?? It will be SOO CUTE if they can!!!✨
Maybe???
Anonimo ha chiesto: was Macaque ever more reckless than Wukong ? Maybe in their youth 🤔
Oh definetely
Anonimo ha chiesto: did the Brotherhood in your AU know about Wukong being trans or Macaque courtnapping Wukong? did one of them try to courtnap someone, including our fav monkey boys? 👀👀👀
Yes, the brotherhood knew
@blossomhill36353 ha chiesto: AAAAAAAHHHH THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOOD!!! I love u and your shadowpeach AU with all of my heart u know that!!!!❤️❤️❤️ I have a question tho!! Soo about the glamour thing are they can teach MK how to use one? And since mac has already shown without glamour Infront of MK will Wukong do the same as well??
Yes MK knows the basic of glamours. as for your second question, who knows....
@cutvdo ha chiesto: How oblivious / dense do you think Redson is? like would he notices when MK is blushing?
I'll tell you that, in the last comic, he actually did (the crowd goes in a standing ovation for the idiots of the century)
Anonimo ha chiesto: sooooo a lot of ppl like having Macaque having white hair/fur bc BUT does Wukong have any that he’s ashamed to admit?? 👀👀👀👀
he has but they are only stress related
Anonimo ha chiesto: I like how the shadow tickle courtnapping implies that Macaque could've gained the upper hand during any of their fights in the series, but he chose not to because the feelings associated with it were still raw.
Ah. Ok. Well, thank you but now I gotta stay in the corner and cry after this information
Anonimo ha chiesto: If Wukong and Macaque had been around for school who would the school prefer come if they called home Macaque or Wukong. I feel like Wukong because macaque would be overprotective.
They are the meme where MK got into a fight and they come in a hurry just to ask him if he won
Anonimo ha chiesto: I want someone to call either Macaque and Wukong old, and they get super mad and try to say they aren't old but they are
they are. they are very old.
Anonimo ha chiesto: Has macaque ever had to deal with Wukong having a period?? Does Wukong even have any if he shape-shifts?? Sorry if this feels inappropriate. Anonimo ha chiesto: WAIT, DOES WUKONG BEING TRANS MEAN MACAQUE HAD/HAS TO DEAL WITH HIS PERIODS?!?!.! ANCHHDMSBJFMDBCMDN 😂
Yup, he still has the normal period symptoms and Mac had to stay with him all the time
Anonimo ha chiesto: Who would ask "would you still love me if I was a worm"
Wukong. And he would do it while shapeshifting as a worm
Anonimo ha chiesto: If they where like super angry at someone or something would Wukong & Macaque hiss (not sure what you would call the noise but, full on fangs out.)
I think yeah.
autism-autobot ha chiesto: Are we ever going to see the pilgrims in the shadowpeach bio parents au?
Nope
k4izershasfreakycanon ha chiesto: Hello,so if you dont remember me i was the one who made a custom outfit for mk! i only have the front rendered and coloref so i just wanted to say that you're always allowed to use it in comics! just please credit me:)
Thank you! But I made already his outfit way prior your own post so I already planned to using my original design.
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𓍼 𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚕𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚊 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜
𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི more dark/icky!rafe bc you guys seems to loveeee him. Heavily inspired by these two post!! post 1 post 2
warnings: I would like to say I do not condone abuse or domestic violence. do NOT try to clock me. This is all fantasy. You have been warned. This is very…sinister maybe disturbing for some so proceed and read with caution. mentions of ownership, branding, slapping, spitting, tear licking, corruption, manipulation, very slight mentions of blood, 18+ mdni!!
If you sat and thought about the situation that you were in now it may seem troubling. You found yourself always asking how you’d end up with Rafe. With his actions. The people from The Cut and Figure 8 asks the same things to themselves and among their peers. You were such a sweet girl (still are). Always helping out when needed. Always being at arms reach for anyone despite what the situation was but now…now it was different. Instead of being there for everyone else it was always Rafe. Rafe was always in the picture. The cold hard stares you’d recieve from people did bother you to an extent but then again you were happy. If the word happy could ever describe it. Being up under Rafe and always at his service was something you loved, something that you’d never thought would bring you so much joy.
Fortunate was the word to describe it. To describe your connection with Rafe. Many girls would have loved to be in your place, right? The busted lip. The bruising. The branding from his ring. The burn mark from his bike when you tried to leave him. The accusations of your mind slipping to places it shouldn’t have been. Does he really love me? Why is he doing this? Is this wrong? But to you, the markings made up for it. The markings were your answer. I mean, why would he put markings that people could see, that people would know who you belonged to if he didn’t truly love you?
You found yourself stumbling in the bathroom, almost teary eyed from how hard Rafe pulled your hair when you asked him a question. “Can I go cover these bruises up? People are staring.” That was all you asked. You didn’t think it would cause such a commotion. As you rubbed your bruises, remembering what happened the last time, you overheard girls whispering as you stared at yourself in the mirror fixing your makeup. Do you think she lets him do that to her? She was such a sweet girl before. You would’ve never thought something like that would happen to her. How could she stay with a man who beats her?
“Beats me?” You thought. No. It wasn’t “beating” it couldn’t have been. It was love. At least that’s what he told you when you’d cry for him to stop. That’s what you believed. You believed any and everything that came out of Rafe’s mouth.
Wiping away your tears, trying your best to seem like you handled the situation you found Rafe amongst his friends. Your grabbed gently at his bicep. “Can we please leave. There’s something I need to talk about.” That was it. That was the last thing you remembered to come out of your mouth coherently as Rafe dragged you out of the truck and into his room.
Marks covered your entire body as you laid on the bed. A faint taste of blood swirling in your mouth, mixed with Rafe’s spit that he watched trickle down your throat, as you looked up at him in fear. “How many fucking times have I told you not to ask me questions like that?” A harsh slap coming down against your cheek and then your swollen pussy. You whined, trying so hard to conceal your cries. You didn’t want him to think he was hurting you. You didn’t want him to know how bad this was affecting you. You wanted to be his good little girl and crying because you were in pain wasn’t going to show that. “I’m so-sorry daddy. I promise it won’t happen again!” Rafe’s mind was somewhere else as he positioned three fingers against your sopping hole. “You said that the last time didn’t you bun?” Rafe pushed three fingers inside you of you, releasing a stringed cry from your lips.
You were already a mess. Bruises forming on your skin from his fist and spit dripping off your face as Rafe rubbed it in, ruining your makeup more than your tears ever could. You pressed your legs together hoping he’d go easy. But that was the thing. Rafe never went easy. Especially when he was like this. He absolutely loved doing this to you, more than he’d like to admit and secretly you loved it too.“Open those legs or I’m gonna make it worse for you.” How much worse could this possibly get? How much farther could he take this? That was a question to an answer didn’t want to feel, you didn’t want to find out. Rafe added another finger as he watched you stretch out around him. He reached up and pinched your nipples. Your mind was completely blank at this point. The only feeling you had was the fuzziness coming from your stomach down to your feet and the harsh lingering feeling of his slaps all across your body. “This will fucking teach you, won’t it?” Rafe started to slide his fingers in and out of you faster making you soak his sheets. The feeling of regret and somewhat wavered thoughts ran across the frontal lobe of your brain. What was left of it anyway.
Was this luck? Was this what you considered to be fortunate? Your tears welled up in your eyes, coming down like hurricane rain. You began to hiccup and sniffle as you reached out for Rafe, hoping to feel that sense of comfort that always made you realize that he loved you, that this is what you wanted. Rafe cups your face as he stares blankly at your witless expression, eyes widened and brows raised. “Aw bunny. Are those tears? It feels good doesn’t it?” Rafe slowly licks your tears while moaning against your face. If you were in your right mind you’d tell him no, it didn’t feel good, but as corrupted as you were it felt like a high you couldn’t, didn’t, want to come down from. You shook your head earning another harsh slap, this time right against your mouth, making you bleed more promptly. “Answer me.” An elated screech came from your swollen lips as he pumped faster now adding a fourth finger. “Y-yes daddy! Please don’t stop!” And he wasn’t. Not until you were a shaking, panting, whining, pleading, eye rolling mess for him. Not until you realized that what he was doing to you, what he’d say to you, was the right thing. After all, Rafe was doing this because he loved you and those kisses to your forehead while he whispered how good you were for him proved it.
The love for him was unbearable. This is what love was. This was Rafe’s way of showing just how much you meant to him. How could you have ever questioned him?
Taglist 🏷️: @nemesyaaa @starkeysprincess @starkeyslove @venic-bxtch @archiveofvirtue @rafeyscurtainbangs @rafesangelita @fae-of-prey @bunnyrafe @wearemadeofstardust0 @starkeysbebe @shellxrls @erwinsvow
#dolly notes ໒ྀི#rafe cameron#rafe cameron concepts#rafe cameron prompt#rafe cameron blurb#rafe cameron smut#dark!rafe#icky!rafe
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what i don’t get is if armand loved louis lol i mean,i guess he did but i really don’t know and assad on sdcc iirc kinda said he didn’t he just wanted what louis had to offer or something like that. also many people say armand is actually all about lestat so idk,if he is,i hope louis really didn’t love him so much bc damn the guy gaslighted him and made him a prisoner while pining for lestat??? crazy shit if so and so unfair to louis. i really don’t know why nobody questions armand side,the guy orchestrated a public humiliation,almost killed him and killed his daughter but somehow is louis’s love into question but not armand’s 🤔
I think him loving Louis and wanting him for what he had to offer aren't mutually exclusive. It comes down to Armand being a selfish creature with this greedy emptiness that can never be filled. Armand is strongly drawn to Louis who's so full of life and emotion because he hopes Louis could complete him and bring him alive, but instead he ends up snuffing out all that life in Louis. Even in healthy passionate romantic relationships people often feel like the other person completes them and their life and gives them something invaluable, and what makes it different from unhealthy/abusive relationships is that you still see your partner as a full person on their own and respect their needs that could be different from yours. Armand constantly prioritizes his own needs in his relationship with Louis, it's all about Louis filling the role and purpose Armand wants. I think Armand does love Louis but that empty despair inside him rules his existence and ultimately everything, even his love for Louis and for some few other people, has to serve that emptiness.
That's actually an interesting point about how Louis' love for Armand is often questioned but Armand's love for Louis rarely is. I think Louis is much more loving and forgiving than people give him credit for. Throughout the show we constantly see him express kindness and forgiveness toward both Armand and other characters, often more than they give to him. I think in 2.05 that's particularly clear where after Louis and Armand's fight and Louis' subsequent suicide attempt, Louis is the one apologizing and trying to connect with Armand and be kind to him, whereas Armand is cold and angry and intentionally hurts Louis physically and emotionally. In the beginning of their relationship Louis forgives Armand for trying to kill him, their relationship is arguably already ruined from that moment because of Armand betraying him like that, but he still forgives him. He gives Armand so many chances, and when Claudia tells about Armand's threats he still wants to give him a benefit of doubt. Even in Dubai he's deeply upset when he realizes Armand has messed up with his memory and you can see from his face that a part of him still wants to believe Armand when he says he didn't do it or did it with Louis' permission. Even though Armand says he couldn't trust Louis' love to last that long, Louis is actually remarkably loyal despite Armand not really deserving it and it's Armand who isn't giving Louis that trust and loyalty back.
Wrt people who say Armand is just all about Lestat they're usually book fans who watch the show through those lenses. In the books Lestat is the center of the universe and Louis mostly just a stick figure. In the show Lestat and Armand (and other characters like Daniel) are likely to perceive their relationships in the context of their relationship with Louis
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Question or maybe 2, bc i’m getting confused and curious at the same time.
1. What does this part mean “And when the time came, when he shattered that delicate illusion, it would be on his terms.”, wdym on his terms? I doubt he would hurt her physically, does it mean more emotionally? Bc she is trying to be the master, but gets played as a puppet by yan!sylus bc he reads through her. So yea I’m kinda confused :’)
2. What if she never accepted the ring? Yes she would not go outside the room, but what would’ve happened?
3. I may missed this or misunderstood, but why did she decide to play nice to yan!sylus while accepting the proposal? It was never stated she would love him. It was just accept the ring in exchange for some freedom.
Sorry i have so many questions and tend to reread the previous story bc i miss important details every time 🎐
Hi anon!! Don’t apologize, hopefully this explanation will break things down for you in a way that makes sense!
“And when the time came, when he shattered that delicate illusion, it would be on his terms.”
This line means that Yan!Sylus is fully aware of the reader’s attempt to manipulate him, and he’s choosing to play along because he wants to control the outcome (and he lowkey is desperate for her to mean it when she says she trusts him, etc so even if it’s a trick, he can’t help but play along). By saying it would be “on his terms,” he’s waiting for the right moment to reveal that he’s been aware of her ruse all along. He wants to be the one to decide when the illusion breaks, as he feels it’ll be the most effective in reminding her whose in charge.
What if she never accepted the ring?
If she hadn’t accepted the ring, she would’ve been confined solely to the room still. He would’ve been absolutely devastated as well. Yan!Sylus would probably have tightened his control and privileges further, and kept asking her until she accepted. He sees her resistance as a temporary setback that he can wear down with time, patience, and manipulation :)
Why did she decide to play nice to Sylus when accepting the proposal?
The decision to play nice and accept the proposal was strategic for her. She realized that pretending to go along with Yan!Sylus’s desires would give her some level of freedom, and she’s using this as an opportunity to observe her surroundings and potentially plan an escape! She wasn’t suddenly in love with him or committed to him; she was simply trying to survive by manipulating him into giving her small freedoms. This is purely self-preservation and a way to gain any semblance of control, thus hopefully making a way for her to escape again ^^
I really recommend rereading the last few chapters to get a better understanding! 🤍
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continuation for that another plot bunny,,
Part 1
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a more in-depth of sukuna's first life,,
keep thinking about SIkuna / hawkuna from my previous post, who thought he got isekaid to jjk world but when he wandered around tokyo while still inside yuuji alongside megumi, nobara, and gojo post-mission, he found his old clinic and promptly having another existential crisis.
SIkuna, who believed his first life is on a different world altogether, suddenly shocked the others around him (and yuuji) when he popped both his eyes and a mouth on yuuji while yelling for them to stop in front of a small and innocuous clinic. it was located on a rough part of town, closer to the red district. yuuji got shocked into stop walking while others got tense, thinking some curses gonna pop around them (even tho gojo is around and his six eyes can see them from afar).
yuuji : "the fuck??"
sikuna : "brat let me take over."
nobara : "hell no?? are you crazy?!"
gojo who got curious : "eh, let him out, yuuji-kun, i got it."
so yuuji let sukuna takes over, who then promptly got inside of the small clinic. sukuna was shocked bcs he found the clinic unchanged, but there's a photo of him from his first life on the wall near the receptionist desk. there's his old (first?) name, ueno keigo, his status as the clinic's founder, and his birth then death date. when he look closer, the face and coloring is nearly identical to takami keigo's which very much unnerved sukuna.
sukuna then promptly asked the receptionist about ueno keigo, claimed to be one of his old patient from small town ueno keigo used to visit, which the receptionist happily told sukuna and the others about ueno keigo. how he was one of japan's youngest surgeon, a brilliant doctor, gruff and famous for his temper and bad bedside manner but got the job done very well. he used to visit small towns and performed nearly free surgery to those who can't afford them, build the current clinic they're on and only ask for minimum repayment from patients who didn't have money while doubled to tripled the cost from rich patients. ueno keigo died in a car crash in 2003, a couple of hours before itadori yuuji was born; the last part sukuna understand the implication of.
he thanked the receptionist, asked where he can donate, and flee from the clinic fast. the others, shocked but still suspicious, followed him a couple of block and into a small abandoned house with 'ueno' sign on the front. gojo could feel that no one was inside the house for a long time, and sukuna knew this too because he leisurely opened the front gate and unlocked the door with a spare key from inside the pot which heightened gojo's suspicious about ueno keigo being sukuna' first life, which was wild because how the fuck an ordinary surgeon became the king of curses?
nobara : "i knew you are a curse but what the fuck are you doing, barging in on empty house?"
sukuna : "brat, this is my house."
yuuji inside sukuna : "WHAT THE FUCK HOW"
sukuna : "you do remember that my life as the king of curses was not my first, right?"
gojo : "ah! of course! but how did an ordinary surgeon became the king of cruses? did you eat people too when you're a doctor?"
sukuna : "like hell! i adhere to the Hippocratic Oath, Six Eyes, and i did no harm. why and how i became the king of curses is a long story currently not important. can you buy this house and its contents from the government?"
gojo : "what's in it for me?"
sukuna : "you can do whatever you want with the house, i only want the books and the trinkets."
gojo : "deal as long as you answer a few questions from us!"
sukuna knew he can't really escape the six eyes and the students, busying himself with cleaning the living room while answering their questions, even tho his answers are full of sass and snark. he told them his motivation to be a surgeon (mostly spite bcs at that time, a lot of small town folks demean him for his coloring and his orphaned status and told him he can't be anything worthy esp a doctor, so he did it out of spite), about why he visited small towns and basically did surgery for free (payback to those who help him along the way but wasnt there anymore so he paid it forward), whether he had curse energy or not (probably small? like the managers and windows, enough to feel them and occasionally saw them but not enough to understand what the fuck was that. the world is weird, i just accept it was shits i don't know yet), how he died (the receptionist already told you its from car crash, right?!), and his life as sukuna-the-sorcerer (i didn't remember being ueno, fushiguro. at least i'm good at field medic during emergency. had to do a lot of crazy shits to survive during the heian era, including becoming the strongest sorcerer at that time. got trapped and betrayed, got so angry that when i got killed i became a special grade curse immediately).
in the end, gojo did buy the house and had people pack the books and trinkets and bring them to jujutsu high to a room besides yuuji's. he also quietly donated money to the small clinic, thinking the king of curses definitely has more depth than people thought, and maybe there's hope for sukuna after yuuji ate nearly all of the fingers.
(probably it's ok for gojo to simp and have a crush on the king of curses, especially when sukuna remember being a human more than being a curse).
meanwhile, yuuji also want to donate his money to the clinic, which sukuna forbid bcs there's no need for that, the clinic survived his death for more than a decade, it could survive more, but megumi and nobara also wanted to and sukuna can't really do anything to it so he only watch in despair. he also talked to shoko about medical things, which improved his standing on the jujutsu high and gojo is more determined to help sukuna survive and acquire his own body.
afterwards, if one of the first (and somehow second) year student got hurt, they went to sukuna first instead of shoko bcs they knew shoko is overworked. sukuna is regretting everything.
(gojo made a lot of copy from sukuna-as-ueno keigo's photos esp during his youth because damn, he's handsome af and if they gonna make sukuna his own body they need some visual samples)
(sukuna still confused bcs he remembered jjk plot but he also remember his life as ueno keigo started early and when the anime exist are only the old ones. when he died for the fourth time, he found out one of the deity responsible for reincarnation accidentally botched his cycle when he reborn as sukuna so as an apology they put jjk timeline/spoilers/foresight to his memory after he reborn as takami keigo/hawks so when he came back as sukuna-inside-yuuji he can change the world)
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(feel free to use this long-ass post as inspiration or something!! i... probs gonna write them on ao3, like, maybe??? probably???? yeah,,)
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Part 3
#ryomen sukuna#self insert sukuna#SIkuna#itadori yuuji#gojo satoru#fushiguro megumi#kugisaki nobara#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#reincarnation#time travel#sukuna#sukugo#gosuku#ao3#writing prompts#plot bunny
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i saw this tweet and found it interesting for two reasons. one is that some people base how good cartoon network would be to toh by how it treated su, and despite the fact that su’s treatment by the network was considered poor at the time, now its thought to be exceptionally good in comparison to modern shows.
two is how exactly su got impacted by a limited budget. a common criticism is how characters like connie, peridot, and lapis are left out of missions. but balancing a lot of characters is not only hard but also costly (extra animation, extra voices—it’s been revealed that the show is limited to a set number of characters per episode otherwise they’re over budget). animation mistakes are not uncommon since retakes cost extra. the entire reason the original show got cut short was due to loss of funding!
#i don’t know if pay rates differ per networks#but a.ivi and s.urrashu have said that they needed to work outside of su in order to make sufficient funds#it only makes me wonder what other ways su suffered from a lower budget#that we as the audience never got to see#in the vein of the too-little characters complaint#another part of that is that low-stakes episodes should’ve been abt the main cast instead of the townies#like last one out of beach city and too short to ride vs restaurant wars and kiki’s pizza delivery service#i definitely see that especially since that isn’t budget related#nor would it seem to be network related (even if cn had an ‘episodic episodes’ quota it could still be abt the gems#(another side note: /would/ cn even have a requirement that the show make episodes that can be watched standalone?#this is a question for the people who were around when su was airing#what episodes often got rerun?#was it the townie eps or the lore eps?#for example i heard that su once did a ‘peridot event’ where they just reran peridot episodes#which had eps that skip around in the show#did they even care about airing the story so that it made sense anyways?#id get it if the low stakes townie episodes were the ones getting rerun))#but i have such a boring view on that which is i think it’s simply because the creators like townie eps#like in interviews r.ebecca s.ugar has said she’s the type to be really invested in background characters#answers in interviews have been crafted in ways to hide what’s really going on though tbf#prime example of this is rebecca and ian saying the wedding being interrupted was meant to follow the common trope#when later in the art book they said that it was bc cn rejected the ep bc it ‘wasn’t interesting enough’#both could simultaneously be true! it’s a psychology thing though where people make up nice-sounding explanations behind what they create#in retrospect because they want it to be thought out in such a nice way they believe in it#the bigger problem is that not matter how many episodes there are of them#it can be hard for ppl to be invested in the townies the same way they are invested in the main cast#i’m sure that a million writers have made surefire advice on how to get an audience to care about characters#but off the top of my head i think it’s because 1. most don’t have strong motivations to get truly invested in#(exception is ronaldo but people find him too annoying to care about him)#okay i had more points and explanations but i hit the tag limit and idk if anyone is actually reading this so bye
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yall are about to piss me off by not having any PASSING basic knowledge of the way the u.s. military manipulates its recruits into joining by typing up one of your uninformed, unresearched, unempathetic, individualistic, unbelievably annoying posts about how 100% of the people in the military ended up there because they just Love America So Damn Much! they're extremely mature and informed at time of recruitment, they can totally leave anytime they want, they totally had tons of other avenues in life they could've taken, there was no rush at all to get income as fast as possible, and everyone in the military also totally is part of the combat divisions and personally enjoys being IN the military very much, big believers of violence. everyone in the military is shooting guns all day, that's how that works. they LOVE BLOODSHED. also I love the "amewicans haha" twang to this type of shit because you're actually TOTALLY stealing our Thing, which is turning systemic issues into Individual Issues. Instead of talking about the powers that be, it's so Personal Choice up in here. It's, "well you shouldn't have done it then. I totally wouldn't because I know better." you don't wanna talk about the military industrial complex as a whole, and you don't want to talk about recruiters, you just want to pin the blame on Specific Individual People one-by-one, as if they're responsible for the system that they're being ground up in. someone was in the military? bad person, no matter what. it's easier to believe that, I guess, than to acknowledge that Normal People (with high school educations) are manipulated and incentivized into joining a system that is Bad. at like age 18. but yeah no that 18 year old should have just been smarter lol haha anyway here are some screenshots for no particular reason
side note this reply of someone going "umm just get loans and go into a high paying field it's easy XD" as a direct response to someone trying to explain how most americans joining the military are being funneled in that direction out of a need for money.
and another person who Decided that americans join the military just CLENCHING their teeth thinking of other people, and not thinking completely selfishly about their own selves and their own income/housing/healthcare.
#I had a longer post w more bullshit in it but ukw nobody's even gonna read THIS one. so.#dumb ass cunts seriously LMAO just the individualism of it all....#we're all just selectively forgetting that most people join the military straight out of high school / after failing to kickstart#their lives so they don't know shit yet and they are categorically not educated and don't have money#you NEED money and have been groomed by recruiters ALREADY into believing this is#The Best and Only to make a survivable amount of money without a college education-- bc they can't afford college btw#and they don't want to take on student debt either bc everyone already knows what a big fuckeroo that is#recruiters WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO JOIN. they will KEEP CALLING YOU. they'll answer your questions#to make it sound like this is going to be a GREAT life decision. you can get all KINDS of jobs (true)#they love to say the thing about how only about 15% of the military will actually see combat in any way#they love to list all the jobs where you will literally just be working at an office or a pharmacy or in tech etc etc etc#the recruiters are offering housing healthcare steady pay and BONUSES if you sign on for longer.#so you let your guard down because you were so scared of the actual fighting. BECAUSE YOU'RE 18 IN THIS SCENARIO BTW.#you cunts will not meet anyone who hates the military as much as people who are NOW DONE working in the military#you don't know enough when they get you and then either you stay placated by the benefits or you scramble away as fast as possible#the number one military haters are people who know what goes on bc they already did it#source: I LIVE NEXT TO A MILITARY BASE LMAO PEOPLE HATE IT HERE!! they are NORMAL PEOPLE#I need you to get it into your head that the people committing atrocities in war were NORMAL when they joined#and that for every person in the military who's actively shedding blood there's 20 who do PAPERWORK#and they both are being put in the same category by you!! and they are BOTH being controlled by the same system!!#sergle.txt#I hate yall I really do.
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Song of Oblivion
#ooough my poor cataclysmic bird daughter#she loved so much and destroy everything for it#she denounces existance because to exist is to suffer- and suffering is her enemy#not realizing that in doing so she breeds so much of the suffering she hates#several of the fallen stars only fell because her question spurred them into a self-absorbing path#and then... and then the one singular meteia that realize her folly... who could be convinced of lifes meaning#by seeing you continue ever onwards even with your dearest friends' deaths on your shoulder#by seeing how everyone accepts oblivion for another tomorrow- even if they had suffered so much. even if they wanted to die#no matter what they fought. they fought and died and kept marching forward even in death#they loved life enough to sacrifice it. how could she not accept that?#and the realization that the reason she came to the conclusion she did was because she was flawed- bc hermes was flawed#as hermes said- he gave her wings to fly but did not teach her how to tread the earth#she was given freedom to experience the feelings and emotions of the world- but not the groundwork to understand it#she could see. she could hear. but she could not comprehend#she has knowledge- but without context it gets misinterperated and warped#OUGH im going to scream. i miss her.#meteion#endsinger#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#art#my art#xanders art#digital art#fan art
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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For those who are unsure of whether or not they really have the "sensitivity to cold" symptom of fibromyalgia, because you think that it's just you not being able to handle colder temperatures like other people, that's one way of putting it. The other way is, when it's winter and the temperatures start dropping, do you feel your pain more intensely? Do you feel like you have more problems with your joints? Is your partner always commenting how cold your fingers and toes are, but it somehow gets more frequent in winter? Those are other ways to consider being sensitive to the cold.
#just a little food for thought#I'm thinking bc I'm high af#I had to take an entire 50 mg gummy tonight because I had some serious fucking pain#I didn't realize it was going to be a consistent pattern of winter making me feel like shit#but here we are in year two of No Longer Ignoring My Symptoms#and I'm still questioning whether or not it's actually fibromyalgia#like I 100% definitively know what it is#I just still don't have the doctors sign off bc I hate phone calls and I'm getting new insurance next month#so I figure might as well wait to see if the new insurance covers any differently#things to look forward to with the new job#anyways I'm forever grateful I didn't have to jump through every stupid ass hoop my husband did when he went full time with my company#it's explicitly designed against people who aren't neurotypical and it's honestly the most bullshit program ever#no they don't give full time by merit in my company#I really only got the job because my file boss wanted me explicitly for her job when she retires#and I will be eternally grateful that she saw something in me that no other manager saw#anyways ignore all these tags anyone who reads this that found this in the fibromyalgia tag instead of my blog#fibromyalgia#>.>#kudos to those who read this far#your journey shall reward you with a small token of my gratitude#🐦⬛ a friend for you
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is there a reason or theory to why Tom Zane in Alan Wake 1 (who presumably is someone Alan manifested to be a bright presence guide) introduced Scratch and, later in the DLCs, stopped answering Alan after he questioned Zane for writing a page about his childhood
#alan wake#thomas zane#for the second one: could be that diver Zane is fake/Alan and therefore couldn’t answer#or Zane *did* have a role in influencing Alan’s existence and therefore doesn’t want to make Alan have a crisis#for the first: If that Zane is fully Brightness/Alan influenced by Tom the Poets legacy—#then maybe it’s an acknowledgment of Scratch’s inevitable existence#since technically Alan himself + the dark presence + his legacy (at least in AWAN) helped make Scratch like That#maybe that Zane never considered Scratch to be this big Evil™️#see but this is also presuming that Tom the Poet is also THE foundation of all the other Zanes and truly got a happy end somewhere w Barbara#Because on the more suspicious side: there’s also the Tom the Poet movie poster in aw1 and Zane the film maker#which of the film maker came first then who knows. AWAN scratch is similar so he could be a byproduct of that. or literally Mr Scratch.#OR that Scratch was influenced by the film maker + that’s why he’s similar#ughhhhh idk. Also don’t think all of this will ever be 100% answered#bc the questioning of identity and what makes someone ‘real’ or ‘original’ is#kind of the whole thing with these games#alan wake 2#my notes are so long lol. I haven’t even finished AWAN yet
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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I keep imagining Lummis and Petunia in different outfits but never Flower, they always stay in their black pants and white shirt getup unless for special occasions, and I think the funniest possible explanation to this is if they have like 20 pairs of identical pants and shirts
Which makes sense if they're the Pure Vessel. Just throw something comfortable and practical but still okay-looking by noble standards on them when not on duty and sew a shitton of these bad boys for them, it's not like they have an opinion or preference or even need to be fashionable. Basic stuff will do.
The side effect of this is the fact post-reveal they still wear the same goddamn thing 7 days a week
And also they're autistic/neurodivegent in general. Having a duplicate or two (or 20) of their favourite comfy outfit is handy, and finding new clothes that don't have Bad Texture or annoying tags is a chore and a half.
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#lummis and petunia (and their other friends) didnt question it much. they did think its a little weird at first but they didnt see them#every day anyway and just figured oh this guy must be neurodivergent#the idea that their mother played dressup with them and they have a shitton of outfits from that stoll presists. post-reveal they return to#their room one day and theyre all there on their bed and desk. they're not sure if its a gift from their mother or if she just wanted to#get rid of anything that reminded her of them. but they'll take it.#however theyre all mostly very fancy outfits so the couple that dont have Bad Texture they save for special occassions and official events.#they have a couple outfits made by Hornet and Herrah but again these are usually saved for special occassions. they don't want to get them#dirty while fucking around with their boyfriends and friends. and Ghost. they do have a few casual outfits from them but they still mostly#wear their good ol' white shirt and black pants combo. Hornet is tempted to replicate their style perfectly but in different colours#because Holy Shit Dude wear something different than black and white for once#now that i think about it i did give them The Exact Same Shirt But Purple for an alternate ref so you know what? canon#it was bc I was doing an art trade with 3 other friends and they all picked purple bitches so i went oh I need to fit in
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Since I very sincerely doubt Uther managed to kill ALL the Dragonlords (they're knights, not the KGB, and it was a lot easier to disappear back then) imagine them returning to Albion from Rome or whatever to find Cousin Balinor's only son is ruling Camelot and the Druids, is best friends with an immortal knight and one dude that's been raised from the fucking dead, is bonded to THEE oldest dragon they've ever heard of (and who is also nuttier than squirrel stew) and a semi-feral hatchling that barely listens to four (4) people max and hisses/bites/claws at the rest, and oh yeah, is married to a fucking Pendragon.
Family dinners must be a hoot and a half.
oh to be a fly on the wall when they finally make an audience in Camelot. oh to see Merlin's face morph from apprehension to wonder to exhaustion to horror because they're telling Arthur everything they know.
#obviously these guys arrive post battle of camlann and post magic ban being lifted#they heard about the new king of camelot being the once and future king wanted to see that for themselves (they have so many questions)#they create a dragonlord support group for merlin#honestly my question is when exactly did the dragonlord population start dimishing#sure okay we can say during the Purge and Uther isn't one for mercy so he would totally go on a warpath...but they're dragonlords and yet#they lost to a mad king who only had knights on his side.#theory: dragonlord population was dwindling long before the Purge#other kingdoms in Abion were growing suspicious and wary of dragolords and their ability to “control” dragons#many kings felt threatened by it and sought to exterminate them#paranoia for magic prob been around long before the Purge (twas only the catalyst for a century long tension bt royals and sorcerers)#think WW1 kind of tension between kings and dragonlords: kingdoms were beginning to stabilize/unify; territories were drawn out#oh bro i am now actually very interested in exploring the events leading up to the Purge#my theory: Ambrosious the king said to “unite” Albion that first time had issues with gaining fealty from dragonlords#dragonlords saw themselves as neutral ambassadors but Ambrosious saw them as threats; they reached some treaty but the animosity stayed#every line of succession you have a king seeking to get dragonlords under their rule and dragonlords refusing#then maybe a king or so before Uther less heirs for dragonlords occur; less eggs hatch or are allowed to hatch (kings find them and keep#the prized eggs in their vaults full of treasure blatantly ignoring the very sacred and important dragonlord customs)#but then the Purge comes and now many dragonlords are hunted down and killed and many leave to never return#so yeah maybe Balinor was the last dragonlord on Albion by s2 finale but not because they all died but bc he was the last one who stayed#and lived since everyone else now reside elsewhere in the world refusing to rebuild the bridge the kings had burned#bbc merlin#dragonlords#headcanons#asks
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bf says ive been going thru it and doing really well at that. bursts into tears.
#im like a toddler that needs a nap except ive badly needed a nap every minute of every day for a week because covid#and im trying really hard#im actually really okay. i don't have my first math test for another week and two days and if i did terrible on#the bio test today my lowest test grade gets dropped and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.#i am recovering and working and in a class that is very hard for me and i miss simon so bad. i was too tired to drive last weekend#and couldn't go the one prior to that bc covid obviously#it's okay it's okay it's okay#also im getting the depo provera shot in november. i'm fully over it#also the fatigue is getting better by the day. it's okay. it's okay#getting the shot. seeing si on friday. my math prof is very kind and understands that i'm struggling and wants to help. fatigue is getting#better. turns out i don't have work tomorrow. im gonna play valo w seity sometime soon that will be SO fun.#new comfy desk chair. im gonna put something on and work thru my math hw and submit questions without feeling bad about it#it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. im being sooo brave.#he also said it's insane that i've had to work this week because i'm very much still symptomatic. it got me really good this time#the initial sickness wasn't nearly as severe as the last time i had covid but this one is more drawn out#im still having sinus symptoms/pain on top of the fatigue. cried in my car both days that i worked 👍 it's okay. it's okay
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