#did so not bc they want this but because they see it as a question between them being genocided or the Palestinians
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support
k. bakugo x reader
where bakugo has a crush on a girl in the support course
w.c: 1,707
tags: pure fluff, kiri and denki being the best wingmen in the world, oh also ua is a college not a high school bc i said so
bakugo is my comfort character i love him sm and want to protect him at all costs ♡
If he didn’t know any better, he would think the sudden pounding of his heart meant it was acting up again like it did occasionally after Edgeshot revived him, because Katsuki Bakugo didn’t have crushes. And despite it being a natural part of life, it freaks him out a lot more than he’d care to admit. Because Bakugo has always had the same plan, get into UA College and become a top ranked hero; nowhere in his plan did he account for the girl with a heart of gold in the support course.
“Katsuki!” You call, arms full of some unknown material as you jogged towards him. You had a bright smile on your face, and your eyes were lit up with excitement. He couldn’t help the fond smile spreading across his lips as he gazed down at where you skidded to a stop in front of him.
“I did it! Here—hold this please.” You shove the item in your arms towards him, hands animatedly waving towards the different places on as you explain. It took a few moments for Bakugo’s mind to catch up to what was happening in front of him, but once it did his gaze snapped up to meet your eyes in shock.
“—and so, basically, you put this on under your hero suit and it absorbs the shockwaves from your blasts, turning it back into itself to heat your muscles.”
He blinks, his thoughts spinning to the conversation from last week when you had caught him sitting on the rooftop of the college. Instead of leaving, you plopped down next to him, starting a conversation after a few hesitant moments.
“I know you love your quirk, and honestly I do too!” you giggle, a light blush dusting your cheeks. “But if there was something you could change—or well, something to help, what would it be?”
He cocks his head to the side, mulling over your question; he wants to give you a good answer, an honest answer. So, he dips into the vat of his insecurities, unearthing a small secret he’s never shared with anyone.
“I—when I use it too much my arms and shoulders start to ache, and even if I pause to conserve my energy it seems to just leak out and then…eventually both body parts end up going numb. It’s been happening more frequently now that we are training longer, and it—it sucks to be quite honest.”
You pull your knees up to your chest, eyes fixed on a distance point on the horizon. He glances sideways at you, noticing the indent between your eyebrows. Your tongue pokes out, and he realizes this is your thinking face. He’s amazed that he can see the wheels turning, and wonders what’s going on in your brain.
It’s silent for a few moments, before you jump up, an excited gleam in your eye. You start to leave, pausing to turn back to him, your face now serious. “I won’t tell anyone; your secret is safe with me.”
He nods once, and the seriousness evaporates as you smile at him, then disappear down the stairs.
“Was…is this okay?” You ask suddenly, the excitement in your eyes dimming slightly as he stared dumbly at you, not a single word leaving his lips since you handed over the gadget. “I—I just thought that—I can take it back!”
“No, I—"
“It’s okay! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep. I had just thought…well, either way it doesn’t matter.” You reach your hands out to take the thin fabric back, but he holds it above your head, forcing you to stop and look at him in surprise.
“I love it, you just—you surprised me is all.” He mumbles, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. “I wish I could do something to thank you, something other than just standing here looking like a fool.”
“I don’t need anything from you, really! It’s, well, it’s a gift.” You reply quietly, twisting your hands together then shoving them back behind your back. There’s a light pink stain on the apples of your cheeks, and Bakugo gets the alarming urge to kiss you. Instead, he fists the cloth in his hands and lowers his arms, cradling the material to his chest.
“Thank you.” He whispers, still in shock that someone would do something like this for him.
You nod once, a soft smile on your face as you turn and leave the hallway, his eyes not leaving your back until you’re just a speck at the end of the corridor.
Hours later he’s still thinking of the exchange; feeling incredibly stupid for not asking for your number at the very least. He’s supposed to be helping Kirishima and Kaminari study for their exam in the library, but how could he possibly do that when all he wants to do is replay your smile over again on a never-ending loop.
“Bakugo? Hey, Katsuki!”
Fingers are suddenly snapping in front of his face, effectively ripping him from his thoughts. “What?” He grumbles out, smacking Kirishima’s hand away from his face.
“What’s up with you lately, dude?” Kaminari asks, raising an eyebrow.
Bakugo doesn’t respond, distracted by the familiar girl at the far end of the rows of books.
Kirishima throws his elbow into Kaminari’s side, rolling his eyes at the huff of indignation the blonde lets out. He tilts his chin up to the other end of the room, and that’s when they notice Bakugo’s eyes locked on to where you’re seated, book in hand.
They watch, transfixed as a slow smile stretches across the blonde’s face, his chin nearly dropping in his upturned hand to watch you.
“Oh. Oh my god.” And suddenly everything makes sense to the pair. Kirishima and Denki lock eyes, secretive smiles plastered on both of their faces.
“She’s really pretty.” Kaminari muses, shutting his textbook and leaning back in his chair.
“Mm.” Katsuki grunts, only half paying attention.
“And way smarter than you.” Kirishima says, eyes locked on his friend.
“Wait, what?” Bakugo asks, attention snapping back to his friends.
“So the day has finally come…our blasty boy has officially grown up.” Kirishima pretends to wipe non-existent tears, sniffing a little.
“What are you two idiots talking about?” Bakugo asks gruffly, flipping a page in his textbook.
“Oh nothing, just—"
“When’s the wedding?” Kaminari asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
“Again, what are you even talking about?”
“You have a crush!” Kaminari coos.
“I mean, I would like to crush your heads together.” Bakugo mumbles, but they can’t miss the way his cheeks turn pink. He avoids all eye contact, choosing instead to pretend to read the page in front of him. “She ah.” He clears his throat, “She made me this material to go under my hero suit, something about the shockwaves from my explosions being fed back into the material to…well, anyway, she brought it for me today. And I should have asked for her number, but…” He trails off, the unspoken words hanging in the air.
I’m scared.
Kirishima puts a steady hand on Bakugo’s shoulder, knowing the fear his friend feels is more than warranted. Bakugo is silent for a few moments. And then, “I have all of these hard edges, and I don’t know how to be soft.”
“You don’t need to be soft; you need to be yourself.” Kaminari whispers, smiling at him. “And something tells me she probably feels the same way about you.”
Kirishima and Kaminari lock eyes again before standing and calling your name. Bakugo watches in abject horror as they approach you, his knee bouncing faster as they speak, the distance too great to listen to what exactly was being said. His eyes flit across the trio, panicking slightly.
He knew deep down that his friends just wanted him to be happy, but at this moment he wanted nothing more than to leap across the room and strangle them both. Bakugo briefly considers blowing the entire room up but decided against it at the thought of another bill being sent to his parents.
He watches as you put your book face down, eyes moving between his friends. They say something, then you frown before responding. The exchange feels like hours but is only a few minutes before you stand. You look over, locking eyes with Bakugo, then begin to make your way over to him.
He catches both Kaminari and Kirishima shooting him a thumbs up, before scuttling out of the library, leaving their books and backpacks behind where Bakugo sits. He scrambles out of his chair, choosing instead to lean a hip against the edge of the table as you approach.
“Hi.” He whispers, reaching a hand back to scratch his neck.
“Hi.” You reply, pressing your hands together before twisting them together again. He recognizes the movement from hours before, cataloguing the nervous habit in the file in his brain under your name. “They said you had something to tell me?”
“I—you make my chest feel weird.”
“Um, what?” You squeak out.
“No! No, I mean—god, I’m fucking this all up.” He heaves out a sigh, looking up at the ceiling before locking eyes with you. “I appreciate your gift, more than you know. And I like how smart you are, and that I can see the wheels turning in your head when you’re thinking really hard. I like how you aren’t afraid to talk to me, and I haven’t…I’ve never felt like this about another person before. You haven’t left my mind since the day I met you, and I-I like you, a lot.”
Your jaw drops slightly, eyes flickering back and forth across his face. He swallows, taking a step towards you before hesitantly reaching to brush a stray piece of hair behind your ear.
“Can I take you on a date?” He asks quietly, swallowing nervously.
You blink before a smile splits your face, and you nod. He smiles back, and before you lose courage, you push up on the tips of your toes to press a soft kiss on his cheek, giggling when you pull away and see the now bright red color flooding his cheeks.
“I like you too, Blasty.”
#katsuki bakugo#bakugo katsuki#bakugo#katsuki bakugo x reader#katsuki x reader#katsuki imagine#bakugo x you#katsuki x you#mha x reader#mha x you#katsuki bakugo fluff#katsuki bakugo oneshot#bnha bakugou#bnha bakugo
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Here are some of my hot (or maybe tepid) takes about arcane:
(Under the cut bc i got wordy lol)
-the show could have used another season or like at least 5 more eps per season. Thats not a dig at the creators bc we know they were already forced to cut stuff out, but imho it shows a little, esp in s2. I fully believe Sevika was one of the biggest victims here, i genuinely believe she had an arc in s2 act 3 that was fully cut. And her being one of the biggest defenders of zaunite independence also means that by cutting her they basically gutted that storyline.
-the sheer lack of time with some characters also means that i simply did not connect with some of them, which made their deaths kind of underwhelming. Like i gasped when loris, isha, elora and sky died, but i cant say i was actually sad. That might be a me problem, but i need a little more time and info on a character to feel literally anything about them.
-on the other hand: we need to accept that sometimes background or minor characters are just that. No they werent robbed, no they werent underwritten, theyre simply not that important and thats OK bc theyre characters, not real people. You dont need to give equal attention to all characters for it to be "fair". And i sometimes feel like ppl think they HAVE to bemoan this. esp when its a female character a lot of fans talk about "sidelining" or "theyre using them as a plot device!!" Buddy, sometimes characters are literally just there to move the plot along, thats not inherently a social justice issue. (Ive seen this the most with sky and lest and like.... sorry, they were never gonna be more important than this. They can still be your fave, but just bc you wanted to see more of them doesnt mean they were sidelined for nefarious reasons)
-however sometimes the problem isnt that a character got too little screentime. S2 is a perfect example to show you can do a lot of character work in less time (viktor, ekko) and little character work with a lot of screentime (vi, sorry). Viktor and ekko were missing for entire episodes and managed to have full character arcs and vi was kind of there the whole time, but stuff just happened to her? Like she does do a lot, she looks incredibly cool, i liked watching her scenes, but her motivations, her goals and her values are ALL over the place. I love caitvi, but it did kinda ruin vis integrity when she threw away core beliefs (she becomes an enforcer, she temporarily agrees to kill jinx, she participates in chem warfare against the undercity) for cait. Hmmmmm.....
-i wasnt that deep in the fandom in s1 so i might have simply missed it or i might just not be following assholes, but the "jayvik shippers hate mel" thing never made sense to me. NOT because i dont believe it, bc i sure as hell have seen enough mlm shippers be fully misogynistic or racist, but the way ppl (mainly meljay shippers lbr) talked about jayvik shippers being horrible to mel like it was this HUGE thing confused me bc i personally have seen like 2 fanfics where they horribly mischaracterise mel to be a viktor-hating bitch, but thats it? Like, was that an actual problem or was it ppl deliberately misunderstanding stuff? (One specific example: ive seen someone accuse jayvik shippers of being misogynists bc they accused mel of manipulating jayce and sidelining Viktor. Which is a canonical thing happening in the show. Like ofc you can word it in a way to make mel a horrid evil bitch, im sure there are ppl who DO hate mel and think she is an evil succubus, but this person in particular just seemed upset about the fact that ppl were talking about things that mel canonically did.) This is a genuine question, bc from my pov after s1 mel was one of the fan faves and jayvik wasnt THAT big of a deal until s2. I literally saw a hundred times more jayce hate than i did mel hate, but maybe thats not the universal arcane fandom experience? Like, again, i HAVE seen (for lack of a better term) fujoshis get wildly hateful towards female characters in the vicinity of their ship, i was just pleasantly surprised that the arcane fandom seemingly DIDNT. So the unrestrained resentment and bitterness of some fans after jayvik "went canon" caught me off guard.
-the reason i ask this: i saw a video where someone talked about some rando homophobic timebomb fans who apparently resented caitvi for getting a happy ending instead of jinx and ekko. So i commented "i s2g het-shippers act like theyre an oppressed group sometimes" to which another person responded "well jayvik fans were really shitty about mel, soo...." and i was so fucking confused bc what? The video wasnt even about mel or jayvik?? They just heard me make a snarky comment about het ships and immediately felt called out. But yeah thats what prompted my question.
-i dont get the thirst for the fish man. I get the salo thirst even less. I cheered when jayce bonked him.
-i actually dont want jayce or viktor to appear in future projects. While i love the idea of them being ~not dead~, i think any further canonical storylines about them would devalue the extremely emotional ending they had. Like, imagine if they only bring one of them back?? What then?? No, i actually prefer post-canon fix it fanfics in this case. (Cough cough esp bc this way i can still plausibly delude myself into them being actually canon and yall KNOW it probably would not stay this way if their story continues)
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Hey, It's the Dwayne/Michael anon again. I'm curious...what do you imagine the dynamic to be between these two? As in, who makes the first move? Who's the most assertive/dominant in the relationship? Who confesses their feelings first? etc etc. And how did you think up this ship? Sorry if it's too many questions, it's just that you've gotten me hooked on these two lol
ooooooo anon, welcome back! I love these questions but I am going to be so honest with you that prior to seeing this ask I had not thought this hard about the ship. I have been going purely based off vibes and the gut feeling that those two ppl need to be kissing posthaste. That being said, I love this ask bc it made me actually sit down and think about the way I view these two as both characters and as a couple so here are my new answers: 1. Whenever I think of the two of them the ship dynamic that comes to mind is "silent and stoic x perpetually confused". At the same time though, I think Dwayne is an instigator who will nudge Paul and Marko with little comments and then sit back and watch the drama unfold. Meanwhile I feel like when it comes to the vamps, Michael doesn't really know what's going on but he keeps managing to get himself wrapped up in their shit. He likes to instigate as much as Dwayne does but he's not smooth enough with it to not be dragged along and also his big brother instincts kick in sometimes and he feels like he should back them up. Only sometimes though. Other times he's perfectly happy to sit back with Dwayne and laugh at the others. 2. I think that Dwayne would flirt with Michael first, but once Michael registers that this man is flirting with him he's 100% committing to it and will flirt harder than Dwayne. Dwayne has been around Santa Carla for a while and is like... Apex Predator Mode so I think he wouldn't be afraid to flirt with someone who catches his eye. Meanwhile Michael is new to town, probably not going to be making any moves on strangers straight off the bat yk. But once Dwayne opens that door Michael is fully tossing himself through it. 3. I have so many different Dwayne/Michael stories swirling around in my mind right now that I can't for sure say who I think would definitively always be the one to confess first, but I have imagined the different ways they would do it. I think Dwayne would do his best to use his actions rather than his words, acts of service/physical touch stuff first. He would give Michael special treatment ie. always buys him food on the boardwalk, give him first dibs on anything he wants, always finds excuses to be close to Michael and have his hands on him in some way whether that's fixing the collar of his jacket or just resting his hand over Michael's shoulder while they're standing around. If he HAS to verbally say it I think it would be quiet. Something short and straight to the point while also being flirty, smting like "You know you drive me crazy" or smthing while being all up in Michael's personal space. Meanwhile, with Michael I think he would also do the whole physical touch thing, but less consciously. He starts gravitating to Dwayne without even noticing - parks his bike next to him, sits with him on the couch, always looks to Dwayne first when one of the other guys makes a crazy suggestion to see what Dwayne thinks. I think that whenever Michael does verbally confess it would be big, and somewhat aggressive. Fists full of Dwayne's jacket while his voice is raised talking about how he felt watching someone else put their hands on him, sloppy kisses, that sort of thing. I like to picture the level of emotion that Michael had in the movie when he confronted David on the boardwalk with the whole "where's Starr?" thing. But because he's Michael I think he wouldn't even realize that he liked Dwayne like that until that big explosion. TBH, I'm not really sure where this ship came from. I feel like with TLB there's only so many ships you can do that involve Michael and the vamps. I've read a bunch of stuff on Ao3 and the most common ships I see are David/Michael, David/Starr, Michael/Starr, and poly vamps+michael. I love rare pairs and Dwayne is my favorite character so one day I was just kinda like... what if.....????? and started writing about the two of them together. Thank you for this ask! I have so many more ideas for Dwayne/Michael stuff now that I have to go write down somewhere
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Tiny Ficlet bc I have 101 WIPs that will probably never see the light of day...
The Swamp door clapped behind BJ as he ducked through, back from his last round in the OR. Hawkeye sat on the edge of his cot, a yellow piece of paper held loosely between his fingers.
“Hey. What’s that—a letter from home?” BJ asked, his own cold cot settling underneath his weight as he settled into it.
“It's uh, from Boston, actually,” Hawkeye said with a heaviness in his voice BJ doesn't like to hear.
“Who do you know in Boston?”
“Trapper.”
The name shot out of his mouth, and hung in the air between them as BJ shifted, suddenly uncomfortable in his bed.
“Trapper sent you a letter?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s the first time you’ve heard from him, isn’t it?”
“In six months.”
“What does it say? Wait—no, you don’t have to tell me. That’s between you and Trapper.”
Hawkeye looked up, his eyebrows creased into deep caverns, “Why do you sound like that when you say his name?”
“Sound like what?”
“Like that. Disdainful. Haughty.”
“Haughty?” BJ laughed, but there wasn't any amusement behind it, “I don’t think I do.”
“You didn’t even know him.”
“You’re right, I didn’t. So what do I care if you got a letter from him?”
“You sound like you care.”
“I don’t,” he bit back.
A long beat of silence stretched between them. Hawkeye looked between the letter and BJ, his hands folded nearly behind his head as he stared up at the canvas ceiling.
“I’m sorry. Goodbye,” Hawkeye finally said, breaking their silence.
“What?”
“That’s what the letter said.”
BJ leaned up on his side, slightly, his voice soft. “I’m sorry, Hawk.”
“Yeah, well.”
Hawkeye crumpled the letter in his hand and tossed it to the floor, but changed his mind the second it hit the dirt, and plucked it back up. He smoothed out the creases against his knee, his fingers lingering on the paper.
“What did he mean to you?,” BJ asked. Truthfully.”
It was a question he'd wanted to ask since the moment he met Hawkeye. Then it was just curiosity - why this man was so bent out of shape over the other getting to do what they all wanted to do, but now - now it burned a hole in him, now Trapper John was like a ghost that haunted their delicate friendship, one of the many obstacles that kept it in that state.
Hawkeye let out a long breath, the words coming slowly. “Truthfully? Trapper was - he was my air. I needed him like I needed six martinis to get through the day.”
“Right.”
“And in some ways, you and him are a lot alike. But there’s one glaring difference.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“I don’t need you the way I needed him.”
BJ looked at him, the words cutting. “Is that right?”
“It is. Because the thing is, Beej, I want you.”
BJ’s brow furrowed “What does that mean?”
“It means…I could probably survive here without you. But I don’t want to. It means that when I wake up in the morning—or in the middle of the night—the tightness in my chest is different when I see you there. I needed him to distract me, to keep me sane. But you? I just want you here. Every day. As close as I can get. I want to know everything about you—even if I know it’ll be a lie. I just want to hear your voice say something, anything.”
BJ swallowed hard. “Hawk, I don’t…I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that.”
“Nothing. You don’t have to say anything.”
Hawkeye’s voice softens, almost breaking. “Just stop thinking that when you replaced him, all you took was his spot in the camp. Because you didn’t. You took his spot in me, too. And then you started to fill up every other crack and break inside me.” He huffed out a low, shaky laugh. “Maybe I need you, too. But it’s the want that keeps me going.”
“The funny thing is, I need you,” BJ said after a moment, his voice thoughtful, almost hesitant. “Peggy and Erin keep me grounded. They remind me I have a reason to go back home. But you? You keep me alive—you give me a reason to stay here.”
Hawkeye raised an eyebrow. “Not your sense of duty? Your commitment to medicine?”
“No. It’s your blue eyes and terrible jokes. They make this hell bearable. And maybe…” BJ paused, the words catching in his throat. “Maybe there’s some want there too. A want I haven’t been able to name. That I’m afraid to name. That I never thought I’d be the kind of guy to even have to name. I mean…what do you call this want, Hawk?”
Hawkeye tilted his head, his voice soft. “Loneliness.”
BJ shook his head. “No, it’s more than that. It’s not that at all. It’s something new, something wholly different. Something I think I always would have felt with you.”
Hawkeye let out a short laugh, but his eyes stayed on BJ. “Nah, I’m only pretty to you because your beautiful wife is thousands of miles away. Put us side by side, and I’m just hamburger steak.”
BJ smiled faintly, his voice warm. “I like hamburger steak.”
That drew a laugh from Hawkeye, genuine and light. He folded the letter carefully and slipped it into the box with the others he’d gotten from home, and with a quiet sigh, he stretched out on his cot, his gaze lingering on BJ for a moment.
A silence settles between them, one that wasn't heavy or strained, but full of something unspoken—something new, and BJ turned toward him, watching the steady rise and fall of Hawkeye’s chest, feeling the cracks in his own walls begin to shift.
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yall are about to piss me off by not having any PASSING basic knowledge of the way the u.s. military manipulates its recruits into joining by typing up one of your uninformed, unresearched, unempathetic, individualistic, unbelievably annoying posts about how 100% of the people in the military ended up there because they just Love America So Damn Much! they're extremely mature and informed at time of recruitment, they can totally leave anytime they want, they totally had tons of other avenues in life they could've taken, there was no rush at all to get income as fast as possible, and everyone in the military also totally is part of the combat divisions and personally enjoys being IN the military very much, big believers of violence. everyone in the military is shooting guns all day, that's how that works. they LOVE BLOODSHED. also I love the "amewicans haha" twang to this type of shit because you're actually TOTALLY stealing our Thing, which is turning systemic issues into Individual Issues. Instead of talking about the powers that be, it's so Personal Choice up in here. It's, "well you shouldn't have done it then. I totally wouldn't because I know better." you don't wanna talk about the military industrial complex as a whole, and you don't want to talk about recruiters, you just want to pin the blame on Specific Individual People one-by-one, as if they're responsible for the system that they're being ground up in. someone was in the military? bad person, no matter what. it's easier to believe that, I guess, than to acknowledge that Normal People (with high school educations) are manipulated and incentivized into joining a system that is Bad. at like age 18. but yeah no that 18 year old should have just been smarter lol haha anyway here are some screenshots for no particular reason
side note this reply of someone going "umm just get loans and go into a high paying field it's easy XD" as a direct response to someone trying to explain how most americans joining the military are being funneled in that direction out of a need for money.
and another person who Decided that americans join the military just CLENCHING their teeth thinking of other people, and not thinking completely selfishly about their own selves and their own income/housing/healthcare.
#I had a longer post w more bullshit in it but ukw nobody's even gonna read THIS one. so.#dumb ass cunts seriously LMAO just the individualism of it all....#we're all just selectively forgetting that most people join the military straight out of high school / after failing to kickstart#their lives so they don't know shit yet and they are categorically not educated and don't have money#you NEED money and have been groomed by recruiters ALREADY into believing this is#The Best and Only to make a survivable amount of money without a college education-- bc they can't afford college btw#and they don't want to take on student debt either bc everyone already knows what a big fuckeroo that is#recruiters WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO JOIN. they will KEEP CALLING YOU. they'll answer your questions#to make it sound like this is going to be a GREAT life decision. you can get all KINDS of jobs (true)#they love to say the thing about how only about 15% of the military will actually see combat in any way#they love to list all the jobs where you will literally just be working at an office or a pharmacy or in tech etc etc etc#the recruiters are offering housing healthcare steady pay and BONUSES if you sign on for longer.#so you let your guard down because you were so scared of the actual fighting. BECAUSE YOU'RE 18 IN THIS SCENARIO BTW.#you cunts will not meet anyone who hates the military as much as people who are NOW DONE working in the military#you don't know enough when they get you and then either you stay placated by the benefits or you scramble away as fast as possible#the number one military haters are people who know what goes on bc they already did it#source: I LIVE NEXT TO A MILITARY BASE LMAO PEOPLE HATE IT HERE!! they are NORMAL PEOPLE#I need you to get it into your head that the people committing atrocities in war were NORMAL when they joined#and that for every person in the military who's actively shedding blood there's 20 who do PAPERWORK#and they both are being put in the same category by you!! and they are BOTH being controlled by the same system!!#sergle.txt#I hate yall I really do.
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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For those who are unsure of whether or not they really have the "sensitivity to cold" symptom of fibromyalgia, because you think that it's just you not being able to handle colder temperatures like other people, that's one way of putting it. The other way is, when it's winter and the temperatures start dropping, do you feel your pain more intensely? Do you feel like you have more problems with your joints? Is your partner always commenting how cold your fingers and toes are, but it somehow gets more frequent in winter? Those are other ways to consider being sensitive to the cold.
#just a little food for thought#I'm thinking bc I'm high af#I had to take an entire 50 mg gummy tonight because I had some serious fucking pain#I didn't realize it was going to be a consistent pattern of winter making me feel like shit#but here we are in year two of No Longer Ignoring My Symptoms#and I'm still questioning whether or not it's actually fibromyalgia#like I 100% definitively know what it is#I just still don't have the doctors sign off bc I hate phone calls and I'm getting new insurance next month#so I figure might as well wait to see if the new insurance covers any differently#things to look forward to with the new job#anyways I'm forever grateful I didn't have to jump through every stupid ass hoop my husband did when he went full time with my company#it's explicitly designed against people who aren't neurotypical and it's honestly the most bullshit program ever#no they don't give full time by merit in my company#I really only got the job because my file boss wanted me explicitly for her job when she retires#and I will be eternally grateful that she saw something in me that no other manager saw#anyways ignore all these tags anyone who reads this that found this in the fibromyalgia tag instead of my blog#fibromyalgia#>.>#kudos to those who read this far#your journey shall reward you with a small token of my gratitude#🐦⬛ a friend for you
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is there a reason or theory to why Tom Zane in Alan Wake 1 (who presumably is someone Alan manifested to be a bright presence guide) introduced Scratch and, later in the DLCs, stopped answering Alan after he questioned Zane for writing a page about his childhood
#alan wake#thomas zane#for the second one: could be that diver Zane is fake/Alan and therefore couldn’t answer#or Zane *did* have a role in influencing Alan’s existence and therefore doesn’t want to make Alan have a crisis#for the first: If that Zane is fully Brightness/Alan influenced by Tom the Poets legacy—#then maybe it’s an acknowledgment of Scratch’s inevitable existence#since technically Alan himself + the dark presence + his legacy (at least in AWAN) helped make Scratch like That#maybe that Zane never considered Scratch to be this big Evil™️#see but this is also presuming that Tom the Poet is also THE foundation of all the other Zanes and truly got a happy end somewhere w Barbara#Because on the more suspicious side: there’s also the Tom the Poet movie poster in aw1 and Zane the film maker#which of the film maker came first then who knows. AWAN scratch is similar so he could be a byproduct of that. or literally Mr Scratch.#OR that Scratch was influenced by the film maker + that’s why he’s similar#ughhhhh idk. Also don’t think all of this will ever be 100% answered#bc the questioning of identity and what makes someone ‘real’ or ‘original’ is#kind of the whole thing with these games#alan wake 2#my notes are so long lol. I haven’t even finished AWAN yet
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#datv spoilers#dav spoilers#veilguard spoilers#also is this just a thing now for bioware game since andromeda (because lmfao that WAS the last bw game we got)#that the protagonist feels so YOUNG? like say what you will about the writing for the inquisitor but they did feel like a full fledged adul#rook does not imo#is this like...trying to reflect an audience that skews younger or something bc im pretty sure no one wanted that#not even the younger people in question#is this just bc im becoming an Old?#like there's nothing wrong with protags being young i just really wish it didn't feel like they were WRITTEN that way#like give me some wiggle room#though i suppose the warden was written like that too to a degree#but there was more RP choice for the warden so like you didn't have to play into that#oh voiced pc. oh dialogue wheel. i love things about you but i also think you have set a precedent that is grossly limiting#when it comes to character customization#id LIKE to see if someone could marry the dialogue tree and a voiced PC#i think the witcher kinda did that but i never *really* played those and geralt was a pre-established character
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going to start using this platform like twitter again and by that i mean posting relentlessly and going on rants in the tags
#original#everyone is getting meaner on there it's still fine for me because i mostly only have art in my#main feed on my main account but GOD#one of my favorite artists on there (the chill guy guy) got doxxed because he didnt want his work to be used in shitcoin scams#i know he's on here and other platforms but that was kind of one of the last straws for me because the block list under his posts were#getting to be way too much#like how and why is there so much hate in your heart#that & i saw this post that was like 'lollll this guys music taste is the WORST EVER!!!!!' and it was just like. pretty general coworker#music#just mean for the sake of being mean. not even up & arms bc i liked any of the artists really its just that. you are being rude asf#and blueskys like the opposite which you would think would be good but i cant really use the discover tab because if i scroll too long it#just starts showing me the most neoliberal slop EVERRRR#like. and this is my favorite example because of how dog it was#i saw a post that was like ACAB: Always Cary A Book! like ohhhhhhhh you cant be serious#and people sharing that graphic abt how the Least educated state voted red and the Most educated state voted blue#with the audacity to have 'democracy defender' in their bio like can you be fucking for real#and its the opposite of twitter because NO ONE ever disagrees with them there are too many posts where people just say shit like that and#no one says anything about it#'we avoid drama here' Okay dude some discourse is not always a bad thing#conservatives LOVE calling bluesky and echo chamber and as wrong as they r for their reasoning#........ theyre like. lowkey right. not that twitter or god forbid truth social arent the exact shit just the other way around. but like.#idk. there needs to be conversation in order to uphold a nuanced conversation#a lot of these self proclaimed 'democracy defenders' just dont see that which rrly brings into question their true level of activism#sorryyyyyyy okay rant over. but i did warn you. this was going to be a sims 4 post at first
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I keep imagining Lummis and Petunia in different outfits but never Flower, they always stay in their black pants and white shirt getup unless for special occasions, and I think the funniest possible explanation to this is if they have like 20 pairs of identical pants and shirts
Which makes sense if they're the Pure Vessel. Just throw something comfortable and practical but still okay-looking by noble standards on them when not on duty and sew a shitton of these bad boys for them, it's not like they have an opinion or preference or even need to be fashionable. Basic stuff will do.
The side effect of this is the fact post-reveal they still wear the same goddamn thing 7 days a week
And also they're autistic/neurodivegent in general. Having a duplicate or two (or 20) of their favourite comfy outfit is handy, and finding new clothes that don't have Bad Texture or annoying tags is a chore and a half.
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#lummis and petunia (and their other friends) didnt question it much. they did think its a little weird at first but they didnt see them#every day anyway and just figured oh this guy must be neurodivergent#the idea that their mother played dressup with them and they have a shitton of outfits from that stoll presists. post-reveal they return to#their room one day and theyre all there on their bed and desk. they're not sure if its a gift from their mother or if she just wanted to#get rid of anything that reminded her of them. but they'll take it.#however theyre all mostly very fancy outfits so the couple that dont have Bad Texture they save for special occassions and official events.#they have a couple outfits made by Hornet and Herrah but again these are usually saved for special occassions. they don't want to get them#dirty while fucking around with their boyfriends and friends. and Ghost. they do have a few casual outfits from them but they still mostly#wear their good ol' white shirt and black pants combo. Hornet is tempted to replicate their style perfectly but in different colours#because Holy Shit Dude wear something different than black and white for once#now that i think about it i did give them The Exact Same Shirt But Purple for an alternate ref so you know what? canon#it was bc I was doing an art trade with 3 other friends and they all picked purple bitches so i went oh I need to fit in
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bf says ive been going thru it and doing really well at that. bursts into tears.
#im like a toddler that needs a nap except ive badly needed a nap every minute of every day for a week because covid#and im trying really hard#im actually really okay. i don't have my first math test for another week and two days and if i did terrible on#the bio test today my lowest test grade gets dropped and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.#i am recovering and working and in a class that is very hard for me and i miss simon so bad. i was too tired to drive last weekend#and couldn't go the one prior to that bc covid obviously#it's okay it's okay it's okay#also im getting the depo provera shot in november. i'm fully over it#also the fatigue is getting better by the day. it's okay. it's okay#getting the shot. seeing si on friday. my math prof is very kind and understands that i'm struggling and wants to help. fatigue is getting#better. turns out i don't have work tomorrow. im gonna play valo w seity sometime soon that will be SO fun.#new comfy desk chair. im gonna put something on and work thru my math hw and submit questions without feeling bad about it#it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. im being sooo brave.#he also said it's insane that i've had to work this week because i'm very much still symptomatic. it got me really good this time#the initial sickness wasn't nearly as severe as the last time i had covid but this one is more drawn out#im still having sinus symptoms/pain on top of the fatigue. cried in my car both days that i worked 👍 it's okay. it's okay
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so if timeskip stampede s2 is fr are u telling me we can possibly get millie and eriks + og vash designs . ..
#YEAAAAHOOOOOOO#i hope so at least😭 man the timeskip thing is such a trip fr because like#did the fifth moon incident happen ?? in stampede . bc if not then theyd be looking at another 2 yr timeskip After the lost july that theyre#(i assume) setting up for in the finale#but then again ig that also assumes tht any semblance of the og plot remains#i literally have so many questions. ik theyd be answered if i just watched the show but i want to finish the manga first#ANNOYING I KNOWW😭💔😋 sorry HAHAGA#but it just confuses me soo much bc i dont know how u can get any forward progression#when theyre taking elements from way late in the series and introducing them in this prequel-esque s1 setup#ok anyaays . ANYWAYS im interested 2 know if we will see these changes#bc j want to see vash actually be and look like vash so bad its driving me crazy#and i want millie in the series soo fucking bad . loled at roberto dying ❤️ MAKE WAY OLD MAN#fr hated that guy.. i think he was intended to be used as this narrator for the audience to guide us into the series#but the whole reporter-know-all thing was annoying 😭😭😭#anyways . millie be mine❤️ eriks!vash be mine ❤️#hopefully manga/98-esque looking wolfwood be mine ❤️#also idk wt the hell they did to livio (did they kill him or is it a fakeout for tripunisher return HELP)#or to legato . but they shld make themm all beefy again❤️ and cool❤️ for ME!!!!❤️❤️❤️#trigun spoilers#trigun stampede#trigun#also yah someone else wondering if his bounty jumps from $$6 billion to $$60 billion#its such a small detail but i was so sad when stamp only put the $$6 on his head HAHACAHAHAHAGAGA#that one 98 clip thats like ‘the man who will slaughter the innocent.does the most evil of evil deeds-#-with the bounty of 60 mil double dollars on his head? YES I AM THAT MAN👹👍’
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Sorry did I say Boston is going to 3 pride nights? I meant 4
#pwhl New York did not advertise theirs on social which is a choice#considering it’s at the prudential center#on April 20 but this leads me to believe#that pwhl Montreal also has one and is simply not advertising it#once again I just hope that it’s not on April 20#for obvious reasons#ny advertised it to their email list so maybe Montreal did the same thing#if you are reading this and on their email list please do let me know#I mean maybe they see it as something to sell tickets (okay…) and they’re already sold out#I still think they should post#speaking of the pwhl coming back did we see that Dempsey is in a wrist cast?#not a fan of that#also someone has two fingers in a splint which I don’t love#it’s in the survivor video#so my question is what is the pwhl Montreal injuries situation like#I assume they’re getting Melodie daoust to sign another 10 day which will cover 4 of the 5 games#simply because she is very good#I also want to see the Stacey poulin daoust top line again#remember the days?#[deleted some tags bc my Apple Watch has a functional battery again]
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it was so not the point of mash and would have been jarring tbh but like rn i'm wishing father mulcahy had actually talked about religion in more than just little quips. girl what are your thoughts and what things do you like to focus on. btw
#thinking abiut this rn because i was wondering if theres any particular saints he likes but i think it was kicked off by when i was thinkin#g earlier today about. well i was thinking about heroes again. specifically about the men he grew up around and didnt want to be like and t#he places he looked to for the kind of man he did want to be (reading plato; what he saw of gentleman joe cavanaugh)#and i was thinking about the ways he differed from the other kids (who bullied him) and the kind of kid his dad wanted him to be (to me the#subtext in emphasising how much he used to sit inside reading directly before talking about going to the match with his dad is that his dad#kind of dragged him along and wanted him to be into boxing instead)#and so i was thinking about all that and in listing the plato thing and the boxing match thing. i thought about jesus and how like the chr#istian bible descibes him as gentle and kind and patient and whatnot. and how he fits into that list and like obviously one assumes he is a#role model for mulcahy. lol. but the show doesnt really go there bc thats just not the tone its not what the show is#(not complaining about that it would most likely be done sooo obnoxiously and like its literally not what i want to see on tv)#and then i was wondering about when his religion became really important for him. like given what he seems to feel about his family#and how much he doesnt talk about them. i would assume its a connection he more or less found/established as independent from them#which leads me to think of it as either something he got into later or something which was a refuge for him as a kid.#and like ive thought before about how the things he mentions in heroes Dont have to do with catholicism. and maybe thats just bc it wasn't#part of the story. or maybe its because he just wasnt really looking there for guidance and hope at that point#anyway i dont have answers to any of these questions i was simply turning them over in my head like smooth pebbles in my mouth#me.txt#mashposting#oh i got soo distracted here but ALSO the reason i was thinking about it when i made thsi post is bc i was wondering what stained glass he#likes Lol#for potential use in a joke post i might make
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