#did light edits on 28 of june

[mari-lair]

Nene and Aoi’s friendship doesn’t change and it is a problem.

Aoi is the first friend Nene makes at the academy, so they have known each other for a while.

Nene is sweet to Aoi, she consistently worries for Aoi well being when she is in danger, and shows great care for her, always going for Aoi when sharing her romantic woes.

The manga shows mostly Nene venting about love, while Aoi engage but never bring up her own problems. Aoi is guarded and rarely vulnerable with Nene, something that over the years, we are told Nene have noticed.

But when Nene says “Sometimes I think that she only gets close to me,” She is severely overestimating how much she understands Aoi, most of her interactions with Aoi are with a friendly persona.

When I say ‘friendly persona’, I do not mean Aoi is faking liking her, her friendship with Nene is genuine, Aoi only have two people she is deeply attached to at the start of the manga, and Nene is one of them. I just mean Aoi always shows off her cute and cheerful side, even when she isn’t feeling like the ‘cheerful girl’ she displays, her approach is always the same.

Her words here are condescending as hell but she still acts cutesy and friendly: It comes off as superficial. And a lot of what she says is pretty fake, just things that people expect a popular girl to say, things we know she doesn’t believe in or relate to:

“It’s all about experience!” “why don’t you date him just to try it out?” as if she ever dated someone, or viewed love and relationships as something to try out and move along, instead of a concept she is scared of.

But no matter how different from her personal beliefs Aoi’s words are, no matter how long Nene have known her, she always falls for the ‘popular girl’ approach.

Nene is confident Aoi is the girl everyone loves: She always pictures Aoi with a cute smile, oblivious in her throne, able to get any guy she wants.

And yet, even with that mental image, Nene doesn’t know what being popular really means.

When Aoi visits the stage, Nene is confused as to why she would ever go here.

Akane is the one who gives Nene an exposition on Aoi, dropping hints that her life is not a sea of roses.

When Nene hears this, she ignores that her friend was put in situations where she was pressured to do things she doesn’t want to, often in isolated places, to the point she constantly need to be protected, or how Akane looks troubled that this is a recurring problem. Instead, she focused on Akane’s devotion.

Nene’s fantasies of popularity are sugar coated, so she subconsciously undermines Aoi’s troubles and focuses on Akane’s behavior, which fits her personal reality that being popular is amazing and “Boys will do anything for Aoi, she is so desirable!”

Attention is attention, and since Aoi gets lots of attention, Nene puts Aoi on a pedestal: Give her a life devoid of issues.

Her view is in part Aoi’s fault. There is truth to what Akane said here:

Nene doesn’t ask about Aoi’s life, or go in dept about her own, but Aoi is the one that consistently plays along, she is the one that keeps the focus on superficial topics and make an effort to only shows Nene her cheerful and cutesy side. It makes their interactions feel empty: there isn’t a single instance in the manga where they have a talk that isn’t about boys, or school rumors, which are always used to move the plot along, not expand on the basis of their established friendship.

There is a mutual lack of interest to change what they have: Nene because she is content with the way things are and see no need for change, and Aoi because she is Aoi.

With Nene’s view of Aoi in mind, the lack of depth in their interactions, and Aoi’s playing along with the cheerful popular persona, I am not surprised Nene didn’t notice there was something weird with Aoi on the Grim Reaper Sacrifice arc.

Of course Aoi is so chirpy and playful after being kidnapped by a demon, nothing can phase her! Of course she knows the exit, that’s a popular girl for you!

The cute and smart Aoi is the only Aoi she knows well, so unlike Akane, Nene fully trusted her words and reasonings, falling in the hole.

Somehow, something as big as this betrayal doesn’t change her view on Aoi.

The only Aoi focused thought we get outside a chapter recap is “Sumire looks like Aoi.”

Which clearly has the “cute girl everyone can’t help but love” in mind.

When she does think about Aoi in the severance/rescue arc is always about the lifespan dilemma, not Aoi’s strange behaviour or why she acted like that. There is no wonder as to how Aoi feels, or if she did something wrong herself to be ‘thrown in the trash’, there is no thoughts at all about this other side Aoi have shown. No reflection.

Her view hasn’t changed in the slightest, just look at the way she talks about Aoi with Katakuri in the red house.

And we know that’s not true.

It was never true.

Nene is still her friend, she may be oblivious to a lot but she has been by Aoi’s side for years, so she knows more about Aoi than an average person would. She noticed Aoi genuinely loves and is proud of her plants.

She also knows Aoi has a crush on Akane and the knowledge made her discard him from being a possible crush option despite once upon a time finding him cute and worthy of dating.

Nene values their friendship more than any crush: Notice how Akane doesn’t show up on ‘Nene’s type’ list at all instead of dropping to ‘not her type’, subconsciously deciding he is not an option. Aoi’s feelings are more important.

This genuine care make the way she refuses to change her views on Aoi very sad.

Nene is so sure they are close and she gets Aoi, that she doesn’t understand that the Aoi she knows, who treasures her and loves plants and can feel distant, is just a fraction of the real Aoi. A very small fraction considering how long they have been friends, yet it’s understandable: Nene consistently covers her eyes when Aoi acts out of her persona and shows slivers of personal problems.

She doesn’t want her ‘universally loved’ best friend Aoi, and the Aoi that threw her in the trash to be the same people. She want thinks to stay the same, simple and sweet. To Nene, the cruel one was a brainwashed fake. That’s it. There is nothing else to it, no reason to think about it.

Which is not true.

We never get hints that imply the drug made Aoi do something against her will. Even after she completely snap out of the drug effect, Aoi owns her actions. She regrets it, deeply, but she also connects with it: She knows herself.

It’s because Aoi wasn’t faking it that she was so scared to apologize to Nene in the first place. She is shaking and anxious because it was her, an ugly part of her she isn’t fond of, but still a part of her: Still Aoi.

Nene saw her more unpleasant side. That terrifies Aoi.

This fear that Nene will hate her once she realizes who she is have been around for a while.

One of the few times Aoi was vulnerable and honest with Nene was in chapter 29, when she assumed Nene avoided her on purpose, because she ‘suddenly’ decided to hate Aoi.

When Nene heard this she is distressed, she doesn’t like seeing her friend sad, but there is no “I wonder why Aoi would think that...?”, no matter how unusual this insecurity is from Aoi’s ‘oblivious in her throne’ image, Nene doesn’t question it. We aren’t shown a single panel of Nene thinking about it.

But we are shown her thinking about the way Aoi makes people’s hearts race, which happened only two pages later, but is something Nene can easily fit into her established view on Aoi. 

To Nene’s credit, Aoi is trying to distract Nene from her moment of vulnerability here, but it’s sad that it works so well.

“Is this a popular girl skill?” Aoi's personal mannerisms, no matter how distinct are always connected to that of a “popular girl” in Nene’s head. Is not malicious, but it shows ‘popular girl’ and ‘my best friend Aoi’ are interconnected in her head.

“Is this how you win men over, Aoi?” She doesn’t even suspect that Aoi isn’t a fan of all this attention, that unlike her, Aoi doesn’t want to 'win over’ any of the boys, even after Akane explicitly told Nene this attention is a problem in chap 24.

Aoi is aware of Nene’s simple view of her. It’s hard not to.

That’s why she wasn’t honest in chapter 96.

We all noticed how scared she was of Nene’s reaction, she even flinched when she went to apologize

But Nene doesn’t ask for an explanation of why Aoi did it, she doesn’t address what happened, she doesn’t want to know about any of Aoi’s problems, truly just chalking Aoi’s actions as “Not Aoi” and being done with this to have her cute bubbly friend back;

So Aoi doesn’t address it either.

Aoi is super relieved that she isn’t outright hated.

She doesn’t go over her emotions about the events, you can feel Aoi’s walls coming back: She falls back to her friendly and cute persona.

She wasn’t putting hearts and flowers in her speech before her apology to Nene.

And Aoi may be naturally cute, a girl that enjoys cute clothes and using cute speech, but she never talks with hearts and flowers when she is vulnerable and honest about her feelings.

We can see how her speech ties with her vulnerability best when she talk cutely with Hanako on the far shore train to distract herself from her bleak situation, but the moment she shares her honest view on Akane her tone change, she drops it.

Aoi is genuinely happy that Nene still sees her as a friend, but when she say she is fine on chapter 96, she goes over the events without adding any personal thoughts, and change the topic the moment she finish giving exposition. Something Nene accepts and doesn’t question further.

Once more, she is giving Nene the perfect problem-less cute friend Nene wants, and their talk feels superficial.

Akane behavior changed drastically after Aoi’s rescue (no confessions, no compliments every second, more physical contact, and so on,) because he confronted her, forced Aoi to open up, and listened to what was the problem, what he had been doing wrong, and did his best to adapt accordingly: He took her off her pedestal while still showing her the attention and affection she craves.

Nene’s behavior is exactly the same because she likes what they have, and she refuses to change it: Aoi is the same cutesy popular queen as always so she is also the same Nene as always. Their major arc did not change their dynamic in the slightest.

She truly considers Aoi a dear friend, but an unchanging one.

She blinds herself to Aoi’s problems, so she can’t confront Aoi, and Aoi is too cowardly to have an honest talk with Nene that she is convinced could lead to Nene hating her.

They are in a stalemate where Aoi can’t be completely honest with Nene (with far more than Aoi losing feeling in her right hand) and I hope something changes.

[kbirbpods]

Summer Podfic Stats!

Back in January, I said I wanted to do this monthly but then I instantly got too caught up in life. However, this summer was my most productive season yet so I thought I'd do a little stats round up for the season ~

January-August Quick Stats:

Podfic made: 42 hours, 28 minutes, 38 seconds Most podded fandoms (including crossovers) so far: Star Wars (69) & DC (46) Most podded sub-fandoms so far: Clone Wars (45), Batfam (16), DPxDC (10) Most podded authors so far: @wanderingjedihistorian (16) & @flowerparrish (12) Music? Top two choices: No Music (30) & Taylor Swift (27)

Summer Round Up!

JUNE: I waffled on including June in my "summer roundup" but technically my summer starts mid-June. It just so happens that right after work ended, we moved. And it took a minute for my podfic space to be set up. So, in June, I made 1 hour & 41 minutes of podfic. It was quite literally just Chapter 47 of the Sansukh multivoice project. I posted more in June but it was all recorded/edited in May.

JULY: July brought 7 hours, 31 minutes, and 53 seconds of podfic. Much of this was not posted until August when Summer Podfic Swap revealed but it was all recorded in July! In July, my most recorded for event was Summer Podfic Swap with 11 podfics. My longest podfic was The Jedi Within at 3 hours & 16 minutes. My shortest podfic was Red Bones at 6 minutes & 37 seconds.

AUGUST: In a weird coincidence, I made 7 hours, 32 minutes, and 38 seconds of podfic in August. (I've never had two months in a row be almost the exact same.) My most recorded for event was again Summer Podfic Swap with 19 podfics recorded for it this month (I used one podfic I'd recorded another month for the exchange). I also began recording for CCPA this month and did one Pod Together project. My longest podfic in August was Aliit Ori'shya Taldin (Family is More Than Blood) at 37 minutes & 28 seconds. My shortest podfic was Race at 1 minute & 11 seconds.

EVENTS: - 31 podfics posted for Summer Podfic Swap 2024, plus one I provided the voice for as well! - 10 podfics made "just because" - 3 podfics recorded so far for the Chromatic Characters Podfic Anthology V (the link is to the information post, reveals are at the end of September!) - 1 Pod Together Project with Wander & Flowerparrish [text | podfic] - 1 podfic for Fandom Trumps Hate posted (Lights Up! for hoebiwan)

+ large multivoice projects: Chapter 47 of Sansukh, one scene in Chapter 50 of Sansukh, & Chapter 20 of QKP

SUMMER SWAP BREAKDOWN:

For my main giftee, I made 14 podfics that totaled up to 4 hours & 12 minutes of podfic. Some of these treats were also treated to others! I made 12 podfics as treats for Flowerparrish. Again, many of these were also treated to others. These treats totaled up to 2 hours & 7 minutes of podfic. In total, there was 7 hours & 16 minutes of podfic that I posted for the event. I recorded 51,787 words! The top fandoms I recorded for the exchange were DC(+ crossovers) at 15 & Star Wars(+ crossovers) at 12. This includes the three SWxDC I recorded (so it would be 12 DC and 9 SW if not)! I did 5 DPxDC podfics, despite how recently I got into it again. The other fandoms included were Mass Effect (2), Stranger Things (2), & The Locked Tomb (1). Crossing over with DC, I had one Tomb Raiders and one Leverage.

WRITING: I actually wrote this summer! I wrote 3 works that can be read now and have more that will reveal for later events! All writing was for DPxDC x Stop trying to make the Olympic Village Tinder Trend happen, Dick! (Jay/Roy, Batfam dynamics, side DP characters) x gold medals and golducks (POV Damian, Jazz Fenton is an Olympic fencer & his hero, Pokemon Go shenanigans) x falling in the dead of night (eyes so green) (Danny/Jason soulmate AU)

& here is the graph:

Okay to anyone who looked @ this and cared, thank you! Reply with your favorite animal if you read this far ;)

[zoeology31]

Jhoan Durán #CleatWatch, 2024 Edition

The tracker returns for a second straight year after a delayed start due to the oblique strain, because Duran is still nice to look at and his cleats are still fire. Post is updated with every appearance and I've been adding reference pictures as they become available. This has taken on the vibes of the orchestra on the Titanic but I am nothing if not committed to the bit.

(2023 edition here)

(All image credit once again to the Twins photography team on gettyimages)

Duran continues to use the same model cleat he's used his entire major league career, the Nike Alpha Huarache Elite 3 Mid, according to the very helpful website whatproswear.com. The Nike Huarache line is very popular among baseball players, and Duran in particular seems to prefer the mid-height model with its high ankle strap.

As I noted last year, players seem to use older or backup gear during spring training before switching to their new custom stuff when the season starts. Poring through photos from Duran's abbreviated spring training, I noticed the northwoods and DR flag cleats from last year, plus the red palm tree cleats seen above, which is probably a spring training-specific design.

4/30/24: Duran's road choice this year is an updated edition of his bicolor cleats but with the colors flipped, navy on the left and red on the right. We'll call them bicolor 2.0. Featuring "Durantula" written across both straps, his logo on the right ankle, his #59 on the left ankle, "God" written on the right toe, and the grayscale portrait on the left toe. He wears these with both the away navy and gray pinstripe uniforms.

The artist Duran works with posts some nice closeup pictures of the shoes themselves on Instagram, so that'll do for now in lieu of any good action shots.

Seen on: 4/30, 5/10, 5/17, 5/19, 5/22, 6/2, 6/8, 6/9, 6/21, 6/26, 6/28, 6/30, 7/8, 7/10, 7/13, 7/14, 7/31, 8/5, 8/15, 8/16, 8/18, 9/2, 9/5, 9/7, 9/17, 9/18, 9/20

(Detail on the bicolor 2.0 cleats)

5/3/24: My only complaint about Duran's original flamethrower cleats were that they weren't custom enough, and man did he deliver this year with the flamethrower 2.0. This year he wears them with the home white, home navy, and cream Twin Cities uniforms. The red-yellow flame gradient on the toes is back, as is the solid red heel, but the negative space in between is now black with white sparkles to represent the crowd's phone flashlights during his walkout entrance.

The really fun part is the velocities of his five fastest pitches from last year: "104.4mph" on the left heel, "104.5mph" and "104.8mph" on the right, and "104.6mph" on each ankle strap. Like, what a flex. I love it.

Seen on: 5/3, 5/4, 5/6, 5/8, 5/24, 5/25, 5/27, 5/28, 5/30, 6/12, 6/14*, 6/18, 6/19, 7/2, 7/23, 9/25

(Detail on the flamethrower 2.0 cleats)

5/12/24: Custom Mother's Day cleats! Most players sport custom pink gear in addition to the modified caps each Mother's Day. Duran went with solid hot pink cleats with red and navy flower patterns, and six different women's names in light pink script on the heels and ankle straps. Wife, presumably mother, and other relatives and/or in-laws, probably?

That's all for now, though Do-Hyoung Park of MLB.com literally just wrote a piece on the flamethrower 2.0 cleats, which motivated me to get this writeup out. He also mentions custom cleats for the City Connects (revealed June 10th, debuting June 14th, as announced by the Twins), which is 👀. More to come!

6/14/24: As I was hoping, Duran pitched on City Connect debut night, though he had his flamethrower 2.0 cleats here. Lots of Twins players had custom cleats tonight, including Correa, SWR, and Buxton, but probably not everyone's have come in yet.

6/16/24: Custom Father's Day cleats, paired with the City Connects. These are solid light blue with baseball-themed graphic patterns: baseballs, gloves, hot dogs, popcorn, and "Dad" with heart outlines. Like the Mother's Day cleats, there are seven men's names written on them, this time in white on the outer front part. Brother, presumably father, and other friends/relatives?

Duran's kids also threw out the first pitch to him in the most adorable ceremonial first pitch I've ever seen.

7/7/24: New cleats! I'll call these the cherry bomb cleats because they're all-red, there's fire, and it's that time of year. The white Nike logo across the ankle strap has flame effects, the white inside swoosh logo has a paint drip effect, and his #59 is in white on the heel. He's worn them with the cream Twin Cities alts, the home navy (warmed up but didn't enter the game), and now the home white, so they seem to be a straight replacement for the flamethrower 2.0's.

Seen on: 7/7, 7/24, 8/3, 8/9, 8/14, 8/24, 8/25, 8/27, 9/1, 9/11

7/20/24: We have the City Connect cleats! These dropped on Instagram on June 20th, a month before Duran actually pitched in another City Connect game. They're another entry in Duran's fashionable asymmetry collection, with a yellow base and a two-toned blue ankle strap and heel segment reminiscent of a sky-water horizon line.

The left cleat has two-toned blue flames rising along both sides, with "10,000 Lakes" in white on the outside. The right cleat has a detailed drawing of Goku in Super Saiyan Blue mode on the outside, because many baseball players are massive weebs. I mean, hey, Carlos Estevez already does the Kamehameha pose after every save, so why not Goku shoes for Duran.

Seen on: 7/20, 8/30

9/17/24: Duran wore his earrings while pitching for what I believe is the first and only time. Like many players, Duran wears consistent everyday jewelry, in his case a chain and some nice diamond stud earrings. Unlike most players, though, he never wears it in-game, only during practice and in the dugout/bullpen. I always wondered how the logistics of that worked, like does he put his earrings in his pocket before warming up?

9/26/24: New cleats, paired with the cream Twin Cities alts. They're all-cream with red laces.

Bonus: Also recently dropped on Instagram are closeups of several of last year's cleats, including the first gen flamethrower and bicolor, as well as Mother's Day and Father's Day cleats that we did not see in a game last year.

[dudeyuri]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme!

note: i consider "fanworks" to pretty much everything people create related to a fandom, including but not limited to meta/analysis/discussion, gifs, fanvids/edits/fancams, filk, fanart, fanfic, fan food, fan crafts, etc. please include this note with the meme unless you have a different definition!

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

hi i’m yarrow, she/her, i’m 28, i’m bisexual, i’m having the time of my life. i live in NY. if you’re a mutual who also lives in NY by any chance we should be friends

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

watching bad buddy was the first thing i did this year and it didn’t take me long after to make this blog. it hit me so unbelievably hard, i was reeling, i’m still reeling. i know i’m preaching to the choir but for me it’s unlike anything i’ve loved before. i had been out of fandom for like. almost ten years. before bbs (and a small handful of other beloved thai bls) yanked me back in

favorite ship(s)

well you know. the obvious one. inkpa too OF COURSE. waikorn cracks me up even if i’m a nonbeliever. i loved whatever was happening between pat, pran, phupha, and tian. and i also love, in a platonic way, pran’s dynamic with ink (he makes fun of her bracelet/fakes her out by saying he also liked her…as a friend. it’s very endearing very sibling-in-law) and pran’s dynamic with pa (in bbs but also in bbsos2) 

favorite character(s)

god how to choose between pat and pran. they are both characters of all time. well-developed with idiosyncrasies and penchants for lying and performing and slipping into roles and reversing roles. especially when they’re with each other of course. i might choose pran simply because i see more of myself in pat if that makes sense

favorite episode(s)

it’s probably episode 5, or episode 11. both these episodes just take everything out of me. you know why. runners up: episode 3 and episode 12. this is hard to pick because there is not a single episode i wouldn't enjoy (lol) randomly rewatching. all bangers no skips

favorite scene(s)

i love the scene in episode 4 of pat telling pran his dimples are cute. episode 5 fight scene my beloved. then there's the entirety of the bet era like aside from how perfect it is for pat and pran…it’s just peak romance, peak build-up, such a pleasure to watch. i reeeeeally do love the fantasy sequence of pat and pran eating dinner with pran’s parents in episode 11, i’m fascinated by it in a meta sense but also it hurts so good. i like ming and dissaya hearing pat and pran laughing and singing together in pran’s room in ep12 and being utterly powerless to stop it. it’s like, the show didn’t necessarily need all of ep 12, but it was such a welcome and fitting epilogue to these beloved characters and their love. pat and pran are gonna be alright... 

one thing you would change about the show if you could

i really appreciate all of its imperfections honestly but. it would have to be the aftermath of wai outing pat and pran. even in my first watch it was a head scratcher that pran was expected to be the one apologizing. it just didn’t add up. there was a weight behind what was happening that the show didn’t realize. i can rationalize it and explain it away to make wai somewhat less heinous in universe but it really should have been treated as what it was: an outing. also yes let ink and pa kiss.

what are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people? 

you know i’m a sucker for @kit-teung's art

and for @hereforlou's art. pure domestic bliss that pat and pran have EARNED. this is the fanart reimaginings they deserve. also i love their little cowlicks

@miscellar's meta series the comprehensive shrek breakdown of pat and pran's story in our skyy (particularly for ep3 which i linked). i was in the trenches those two weeks in late may/early june and these posts (and their dms) were my guiding light...all of miscellar's meta is extremely baller and forever on the bbs 101 syllabus in my mind. and for some reason i’m waiting to read more bad buddy fanfiction until after i finish my own BBS fic but I’m excited to read their zombie patpran. so it gets an honorable mention here + they get so many anons singing its praise like i literally can't wait

also I’m not on Twitter much at all but the other day I read @dimplesandfierceeyes's pinned thread and listen it got me through the day. just read it if you haven't.

@transpat's "pre-relationship patpran and haq" post about the unspoken entitlement they entrust each other with. a deep dive into their pre-relationship dynamic. it's so good. an all-time bbs meta

@ranchthoughts (and me a little) talking about Pran's "Pat you've got to stop doing this to me" line in ep 5 here. i fucking LOVE this line and this meta. ranch's baseball mom shirt meta also required reading

"Bad Buddy, Tragedy, and Queer Futures" essay by @chickenstrangers, another all-time bbs meta, required reading. i go back to this one a lot

(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?

my favorite bbs fanwork I’ve made is the unreleased patpran timeloop WIP that has been burning a hole in my gdocs for the past month. i’m having so much fun writing it but wow it’s also driving me up the fucking wall (affectionate)

i also really enjoyed all the meltdowns in the tags/notes when i posted this about that ep11 scene i love. and then this is my love letter to bbs, i think it still holds up idk my bbs os2-induced manic episode is all a blur.

idk anything else you want us to know?

thanks @fiercynn this was so cute 

i’m tagging some mutuals who post about bbs fairly often who i havent seen do this yet (i think?? i’ve been kind of absent lately). if i didn’t tag you and you want to do it please do, you can say i tagged you <3

@chickenstrangers @miscellar @hereforlou @ranchthoughts @midnightfreeway @philologique @neonsbian

[blysse-and-blunder]

midweek commonplace book: the rough drafts

5pm, wednesday, june 28, 2023

it's been over a month since i drafted the following ilcb post, and here i am again, in the same coffee shop i was in back then, again avoiding working on a cover letter for a course instructorship position. in the intervening time, i a) got that job b) taught that whole class, c) took a weekend trip to see a friend get married, and d) am now applying for the next one! figured it was time to open the vault (my chaotic drafts folder) and let these musings see the light of day. maybe it's the key to my success.

edits and new text below in [brackets] to preserve the original draft's ~authenticity~. XD

in lieu of a commonplace book: may day

3pm sunday, april 30 -- 6pm sunday, may 7, 2023

it's rainy and there are so many flowers starting to emerge in the neighborhood, and i've been cozily reading escapist fantasy instead of writing my syllabus or facing the future head on.

reading since i last made one of these posts, i've finished reading the following: the golden enclaves by naomi novik (audio), the jasmine throne by tasha suri, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid (audio), dial a for aunties by jesse sutanto (audio), and the tyrant baru cormorant by seth dickinson. this not being exclusively a book review series, unfortunately, we're just going to talk about the [left out the title but did include the picture so we know it was at the feet of the sun by victoria goddard!].

[i think i failed to actually write out my thought about this one because a number of people who follow me (@spoonierbard, @hematiterings) were either reading it or were about to start reading it, and i didn't want to color their experiences. i was also not entirely sure how i felt about it? i think i went in with expectations this time, which is a recipe for disappointment-- and i also had actual literary 'critique' thoughts primed and ready, as opposed to the pure vibes and pleasure with which i approached hote. overall-- and i say this as someone who reads and loves fan fiction-- it felt like reading fan fiction, ambitious, self-indulgent, big focus on relationships and feelings, and with a definite Point to Make. a behemoth of a book, and full of things to love--but less transcendent, for me, than its precursor. happy to expand on these feelings in a pm!]

listening

[i didn't write anything here, but i did include the two videos below. both were new to me this spring-- i never had a fallout boy phase in high school, please don't laugh, so it was very exciting to fall in love with first so much for stardust and then, at the recommendation of my housemate g, this track from folie a deux. 'disloyal order of water buffaloes']

[i think both of these songs are saying something about the mood i was in this spring-- yearning? defiant? a little pissed off? "hundred days" was a sptify recommendation, and fuck if they didn't get me in one. i have since investigated the duo behind the album a little and realized i have... possible thoughts, about their oeuvre, about making art out of their relationship, but this particular song unfortunately goes extremely hard for folk so i am compelled to love it! there's just something about the main melodic hook, the plaintive/desperate tone of some of the lyrics (especially 'i want / a hundred days / of bright light' each! time!), and the way there's so much going on in the arrangement at 2:34 ish-- i wish the rest of the album was as good as this one track. i want a hundred good days! of bright light! I do regularly think about things i'm trying or striving for and think "I want ! a hundred days !" of whatever it is. At least 100 days. there's something almost reminiscent of tiffany aching to this, for me-- using your selfishness/unvarnished wants to motivate you.]

watching taking a break from prestige tv!... with more prestige tv. started severance while my fellow succession and ted lasso-viewing housemate is out of the country. i love the stylization, the aesthetic, the eeriness! this is what i was hoping don't worry darling (2022) would be, in terms of combining a mid-century aesthetic with our main characters working for some enigmatic brain-washing Company or Project. Lumon better not be a simulation-- as i discovered back in january, i like it when there's some *there* there, when the conspiracy is actually as trippy as it seems, i understand that sometimes people want to write misdirection but man i am sad anytime something was all an illusion after all. also watched a bit of the first season of the gilded age and the first truly wild episode of mrs. davis with another housemate; there is no witty comparison or fun snappy one-liner i can come up with about these two.

[the above remains true-- i just watched a bit more severance yesterday! there was a massive cliffhanger just where i stopped, but the tone of the show is so Much that i actually was glad for the break. don't get me wrong-- i love how stylized it all is, still, i love the aesthetic and all the visual and verbal details that build up to mad-men-esque 60s office culture-horror, it's fantastic. getting that little extra moment with dichen lachman's character and hearing her talk about her experience was...gutting... but my favorite character continues to be devon.]

[playing]

[triumphant return to both dnd campaigns in the past week or so! it hasn't been entirely my fault that neither group met for most of the past six weeks, but i didn't help. campaign B had our one-year anniversary on sunday! one of the players went really overboard and commissioned a bunch of beautiful cards and badges and coins for us and our characters' little secret organization!! we broke the dm's screen door briefly and saw how big her baby has gotten!! we cried over @dimir-charmer's wedding dress! we successfully escaped the wild west!]

[making]

[didn't even draft this section. i thing i had just fixed...something, but who remembers what. pro cooking tip, leftover tortilla soup can become poor grad student shakshuka so easily. two eggs + in a pan + simmer = profit]

[working on]

[aforementioned cover letter for a course instructorship for next fall is due tomorrow. technically there are two i could be going for, both of which have definite pros and cons, but i'm pouring all this time and angst into one and just kinda forgot about the other? also i'm grading for two different classes, figuring out how to have sooo many tabs open at the same time and how to juggle spreadsheets+answer key+word+ pdf reader all at the same time. oh for the days of paper submissions, you know? last but not least, i am desultorily staring at the manuscript + outline for my conference paper for next month (less than a month now! fuck!) for like an hour a day, and making very little practical progress on it. so.

[magratpudifoot]

Finished 28 June 2024:

As It Ever Was, So It Shall Be Again: The Studio Diaries - Colin Meloy

I expected a little more in the way of explanation of the lyrical content and historical allusions on the Decemberists' 9th studio album, but I did love what this turned out to be. I always thought I might be an audio engineer, and maybe if my Comms and Signals & Systems and RF Circuits classes had any one of them gone a little better, I wouldn't have given up on that. Reading about the process of producing and engineering and mixing and editing an album really drove home what I should probably have done with my life.

There is a bit in this diary where Meloy talks about revisiting I'll Be Your Girl for the first time since it's release in 2017. I spun this album in my car for at least 4 months without a break. I can sing along to every song start to finish. It inspired an ongoing fic project that may never see the light of day. It absolutely helped drag me out of a deep depressive episode following autistic burnout coupled with the 2016 election results. It means a metric fuck ton to me. Meloy seems dismayed and concerned on relisten about how very, very bleak it is...which is vaguely hilarious considering this new album opens with a song cheerfully directing its listener to "contract malaria, meet at the burial ground."

Very glad I decided to order this when I preordered the album. (I also got the headstone pin, because of course I did.) I will probably have "Long White Veil" stuck in my head for the next month, and I am fine with that.

[astramachina]

✨IT'S almost THE END OF THE YEAR, BABY. ✨ Which means it's time for a reading log recap!

It was sometime during June that I decided to seriously get back into reading because the writing well was feeling dry as all hell, and because we were already halfway through the year I decided to settle on an achievable goal.

Thus began my journey towards reading 30 books in 6-ish months, and at the time of making this post (12/16), I'm sitting at a comfy 27 finished books! The other three are about halfway and I'm feeling confident that I'll wrap them up before the year is through.

I'm using the term "book" rather loosely here too, because I'm including audiobooks, graphic novels, manga, plays, short story collections, and poetry collections. The goal was to read more, and that I did.

Because this is getting rather long, so if you want an exhaustive list of this year's reads, click the read more!

The Twisted Ones by T. Kingfisher

Fiction, Folk Horror, Fantasy - 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

2. The Time Machine by H.G. Wells

Fiction, Classics, Science Fiction - 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

3. Beyond the Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon & Ashley Lukashevsky

Nonfiction, LGBT 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

4. Constellations by Nick Payne

Play, Contemporary 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

5. This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone

Fiction, Science Fiction, Romance, LGBT 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

6. The Worm and His Kings by Hailey Piper

Fiction, Horror, Lovecraftian, LGBT 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

7. Dead Silence by S.A. Barnes

Fiction, Horror, Science Fiction 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

8. Near the Bone by Christina Henry

Fiction, Horror, Thriller 3/5 ⭐⭐⭐

9. Southern Reach #1: Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer

Fiction, Science Fiction, Horror 3/5 ⭐⭐⭐

10. Southern Reach #2: Authority by Jeff VanderMeer

Fiction, Science Fiction, Horror 2/5 ⭐⭐

11. Southern Reach #3: Acceptance by Jeff VenderMeer

Fiction, Science Fiction, Horror 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

12. Any Man by Amber Tamblyn

Fiction, Horror, Thriller 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

13. Remembrance of Earth's Past #2: The Dark Forest by Liu Cixin

Fiction, Science Fiction 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

14. Remembrance of Earth's Past #3: Death's End by Liu Cixin

Fiction, Science Fiction 3/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

15. Berserk Deluxe Edition Volume #1 by Kentaro Miura

Manga, Horror 3/5 ⭐⭐⭐

16. A Marvellous Light by Freya Marske

Fiction, Fantasy, Romance, Historical Fiction, LGBT 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

17. Everything the Darkness Eats by Eric LaRocca

Fiction, Horror, LGBT 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

18. London Calling #1: Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall

Fiction, Contemporary, Romance, LGBT 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

19. London Calling #2: Husband Material by Alexis Hall

Fiction, Contemporary, Romance, LGBT 3.5/5 ⭐⭐⭐(insert half star here)

20. How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix

Fiction, Horror, Thriller 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

21. In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado

Nonfiction, Memoir, Horror, LGBT 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

22. The Fisherman by John Langan

Fiction, Horror, Lovecraftian 5/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐❤️

23. Maeve Fly by C.J. Leede

Fiction, Horror 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

24. The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones

Fiction, Horror, Thriller 3/5 ⭐⭐⭐

25. Fazbear Frights Volume #1: Into the Pit by Scott Cawthon & Elley Cooper

Graphic Novel, Middle Grade, Horror 3/5 ⭐⭐⭐

26. At the End of Every Day by Arianna Reiche

Fiction, Horror, Thriller 3/5 ⭐⭐⭐

27. Five Nights at Freddy's #1: The Silver Eyes by Scott Cawthon & Kira Breed-Wrisley

Fiction, Young Adult, Horror, Mystery - 4/5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

In-progress:

28. Tales from the Pizzaplex #1: Lally's Game by Scott Cawthon, Kelly Parra & Andrea Waggener - Fiction, Young Adult, Horror

29. Five Night's at Freddy's #2: The Twisted Ones by Scott Cawthon & Kira Breed-Wrisley - Fiction, Young Adult, Horror

30. Five Night's at Freddy's #3: The Fourth Closet by Scott Cawthon & Kira Breed-Wrisley - Fiction, Young Adult, Horror

31. Crush by Richard Siken - Poetry

❤️ = books that still haunt the corners of my brain months after finishing them.

Because I'm starting off on the right foot, I'm gearing up to tackle 50 books in 2024! Which is about a book a week, hopefully. Really looking forward to starting The Murderbot Diaries as they trickle in from the library.

And, of course, if anyone wants to know more about any of the books listed on here, I'm more than happy to chat about them!

HAPPY READING.

[yatescountyhistorycenter]

The streets, they are a-changin’

By Jonathan Monfiletto

If you ask Taxpayer – who wrote an apparently anonymous letter in the February 28, 1924 edition of the Penn Yan Express – the village of Penn Yan went on “an epidemic of changing the names of streets” in the 1920s and “some remedy should be found before it becomes obnoxious.” While these are strong words – and epidemic may or may not be the right description, depending on whom you ask – it is clear Penn Yan did change the names of several streets during this period and throughout its history.

At one point in time, I wanted to investigate the origin stories of the names (you all know by now I have thing for the origin stories of the names of things) of several of the streets in Penn Yan. At the Yates County History Center, we have numerous subject files on the various village streets, and I thought these files would hold the keys to how the streets received their names.

Yes, I know, many of the streets have obvious origins – Wagener, Sheppard, Cornwell, and Ogden represent some of the founding and prominent leaders of the village; Clinton and Hamilton denote early leaders of New York State; Walnut, Cherry, and Elm honor trees in the area; and Court runs alongside the courthouse square. Still, it would have been nice to find official record of how and when the streets were named; alas, that was not to be through our subject files, which seem to contain the development of businesses and homes on the streets but not the development of the streets themselves.

Instead, I turned my attention toward finding out when and why the names of various streets changed over the years – for example, when did Jacob Street become East Elm, and why? When did Head Street become North Avenue, and why? And so on. This venture was a little more successful than learning the origin stories of the street names; I was often able to determine when the names changed but not so much the why.

Let’s start with East Elm Street, formerly known as Jacob Street, since Taxpayer’s letter is titled “Leave Jacob Street Alone.” The letter was published in the February 28, 1924 edition of the Penn Yan Express, exactly one week after the same newspaper carried coverage of a Penn Yan village board meeting. A petition containing approximately 100 names of people requesting the street’s name be changed to East Elm was read during the meeting and subsequently tabled. The newspaper coverage did not indicate why the residents proposed the change. Still, or so, Taxpayer asks a question of those people: “Just why do they desire the name changed?”

Taxpayer suggests more sufficient lighting for the street as a better improvement than changing the name of the second principal business street of the village. Taxpayer also contends Jacob Street had been known by that name for so long people would be confused by the change. “(E)ven the residents of Head Street would sympathize with the people who live on or conduct business on Jacob Street,” Taxpayer said of the street whose name had been changed to North Avenue less than a year before.

Taxpayer offers other ideas for village improvements: new streets, new houses, new business opportunities, and then new street names, perhaps in that order. Then, Taxpayer wonders: If Main Street bisects Elm Street and Jacob Street and Jacob is now East Elm Street, then shouldn’t Elm be West Elm Street?

Despite Taxpayer’s arguments, the village board did approve changing the name of Jacob Street to East Elm Street, as recorded in the March 12, 1924 edition of the Yates County Chronicle. Interestingly, an item titled “Where People Are Moving” in the April 5, 1911 edition of the Yates County Chronicle indicates the name of East Elm Street may have been in use well before the name became official. Conrad Heard is reported as moving from the Perkins house on Elm Street to the Charles Conklin house on East Elm.

According to the Penn Yan Express of June 6, 1923, residents of Head Street approached the Penn Yan village board to change the street’s name to North Avenue. Unlike the case of Jacob Street, apparently, the board took immediate action on that request and voted to change the name. The Yates County Chronicle of the same date admonished its readers: “Remember to call it North Avenue hereafter.” Five months later, on November 8, the Chronicle carried a “We Wonder Why” item that included this statement to finish the question: “Since the name of Head Street has been changed to North Avenue, we all insist of calling it, ‘Head Street?’” I did find one firm origin story in the re-naming of Dake Street to Garfield Street, which occurred in September 1923. Edgar H. Hyatt (finally, the actual name of an actual person proposing such a change) appeared before the Penn Yan village board, as reported in the September 12, 1923 edition of the Yates County Chronicle, with a petition signed by residents of Dake Street requesting the change in the name of the street. Since Penn Yan already had Lincoln and McKinley avenues, the residents wanted to change the name of their street to correspond in a tribute to U.S. Presidents who had been assassinated. Coincidentally, Penn Yan also has a Kennedy Avenue in the same vicinity of the village, though I am unsure of its history.

Another change in street name that I found a record for happened much later than this supposed epidemic. Jackson Street became Linden Street on March 31, 1952 after residents of the street presented a petition to the village board seeking the change, as reported in the February 21, 1952 edition of The Chronicle Express. That article indicated the residents favored a change to either Linden Street or Brook Avenue. However, at that point, the village board postponed action, noting residents should be informed of the proposed change and given the opportunity to provide comments.

The newspapers reported on March 6, 1952 that the village board passed an ordinance changing the name of the street to Linden effective March 31, following a public hearing on March 17. Though I found no reason for the change in any primary sources, I have read secondary sources that cite the desire to clean up the reputation of the neighborhood – largely of Black and Irish immigrant residents, historically – as a reason for making the change.

There are some other street name changes for which I located approximate dates. According to our collection of Penn Yan village maps, Boundary Street became known as South Avenue sometime between 1886 and 1922. The 1886 map depicts Boundary Street forming the southern portion of the village perimeter much as Head Street covered the northern portion. The 1909 map is inconclusive, as our copy does not show this section of the village, but the 1922 map lists the street as South Avenue. Perhaps this change was made around the same time Head Street residents were seeking to change that street’s name. Similarly, Canal Street is on the 1886 map, but Seneca Street is on the 1909 map. Maybe the fact of the Crooked Lake Canal going defunct in 1877 cause people to think that street needed a new name.

Nowadays, when North Avenue crosses Liberty Street, it becomes Maple Avenue. The 1886 seems to indicate Head Street continues after the intersection, but the 1909 map labels the street Maple Avenue (with Head Street in parentheses) past the intersection. An article in the July 23, 1936 edition of The Chronicle Express is titled “Reveals Changes in Penn Yan” and discusses how the 1880 Penn Yan village directory captures life in that time period and how life had changed since then. The article noted some of the changes in street names that took place since that directory was published; in fact, the directory apparently included a note that since it went to press the village board had changed the name of Quarry Street to Liberty Street and the section of Head Street west of Liberty to Maple Avenue.

That 1936 article also reveals a few more street name changes: Sherman Street had been Franklin Street, Keuka Street had been Pine Street, and East Main Street had been Jillett Street. When or why are questions I have not yet answered.

[poem-today]

A poem by Paul Tran

Bioluminescence

There’s a dark so deep beneath the sea the creatures beget their own light. This feat, this fact of adaptation, I could say, is beautiful

though the creatures are hideous. Lanternfish. Hatchetfish. Viperfish. I, not unlike them, forfeited beauty to glimpse the world hidden

by eternal darkness. I subsisted on falling matter, unaware from where or why matter fell, and on weaker creatures beguiled

by my luminosity. My hideous face opening, suddenly, to take them into a darkness darker and more eternal than this underworld

underwater. I swam and swam toward nowhere and nothing. I, after so much isolation, so much indifference, kept going

even if going meant only waiting, hovering in place. So far below, so far away from the rest of life, the terrestrial made possible by and thereby

dependent upon light, I did what I had to do. I stalked. I killed. I wanted to feel in my body my body at work, working to stay

alive. I swam. I kept going. I waited. I found myself without meaning to, without contriving meaning at the time, in time, in the company

of creatures who, hideous like me, had to be their own illumination. Their own god. Their own genesis. Often we feuded. Often we fused

like anglerfish. Blood to blood. Desire to desire. We were wild. Bewildered. Beautiful in our wilderness and wildness. In the most extreme conditions

we proved that life can exist. I exist. I am my life, I thought, approaching at last the bottom of the sea. It wasn’t the bottom. It wasn’t the sea.

Paul Tran

Listen to Paul Tran read his poem

Published in the print edition of the The New Yorker June 28, 2021

More poems by Paul Tran are available through his website

[silveranchor]

I posted 3,363 times in 2022

64 posts created (2%)

3,299 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@smolfangirl

@belsmultifandommess

@vexthejester

@sarah-yyy

@rongzhi

I tagged 2,434 of my posts in 2022

Only 28% of my posts had no tags

#love like the galaxy - 356 posts

#bridgerton - 286 posts

#who rules the world - 285 posts

#zhao lusi - 151 posts

#kanthony - 148 posts

#new life begins - 148 posts

#且试天下 - 147 posts

#yang yang - 118 posts

#twenty five twenty one - 109 posts

#星汉灿烂 - 103 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#not even getting into redemption arcs and the validation of revenge and retribution as justice and letting your morally grey man be happy

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Um, No! Folks...

Persuasion 2022 WISHES, very desperately, it were Bridgerton.

38 notes - Posted July 16, 2022

#4

Just realized I have a thing for incredibly shrewd characters who fake being weak and sick in order to survive their awful families.

Thank you, Feng Lanxi and Cheng Shaoshang

Edit: Yin Zheng also sits at this table. Yes, man is actually sick but the acting is still there and it is much appreciated.

60 notes - Posted August 8, 2022

#3

I truly love that, even when doing his revenge investigation, LBY is never a cold character. He might appear indifferent and stoic at a superficial level or to those he dislikes or doesn't care about , but he is actually incredibly emotional. Even his ignoring certain people or being hostile towards them usually comes from an emotional place. From the first eps, when he loses his latest lead, he tears up. When questioning criminals related to the Gu city case, he barely controls or even loses his temper. He gets bothered by things. And of course, since the first look, he gets so soft every time he looks as Ss. He is driven by passion, be it his desire for revenge and justice or love. This is why he is so frightening, and why you still root for him anyway. We not only see his (objectively morally wrong) actions, but we understand and FEEL the reasons and emotions behind them, because he feels them so intensily and is allowed to show it.

This is why the "unhinged arc" works so well. It is not that he is clear headed and collected one moment and he suddenly gets overwhelmed and starts breaking down. From the very beginning, he has been hanging by a thread that is unravelling steadily until it finally snaps. And we see it unraveling! We see him lose control and react emotionally and be deeply affected by people and situations throughout every episode. It is a gradual decline and it is so satisfying and heartbreaking when it does snap all the way because we know it is going to happen and there's no way to stop it or slow it down, and we understand why it happened and why, for his character, it makes complete sense. The build up to that moment was in the making from the start and it wouldn't have worked if Zizheng had been your typical cold and impassive military man.

Wu Lei and everyone involved in script and storytelling really did a great job at portraying such a complex and multidimensional character that is full of contradictions in a very organic and compelling way. From the expressions to the line delivery, this is the kind of work that creates a standout character that will resonate with people and leave a long lasting impression.

64 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

#2

Hollywood really did take Persuasion and try to make it more light, fun and satirical

WHEN NORTHANGER ABBEY WAS RIGHT THERE? DAMMIT WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A NEW NORTHANGER ABBEY ADAPTATION?

64 notes - Posted June 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

No, but the way the first eps still hit so hard, like:

That iconic introduction to LBY. So imposing and powerful, so disregarding of anything but duty.

Intro to Shaoshang being so different but equally as effective. Idk, you see that girl eating like she'll never be able to again and being a total gremlin and you're instantly attached.

First meeting is EVERYTHING. My guy is so single minded and all he has time for is finding a criminal but this girl he hasn't even seen is completely ruthless and has no qualms with selling out her elder, and my guy is actually impressed and intrigued. He's usually so done with people in general, but you can tell that she left an impression. The way he says her name. It started.

Hilarious how SS misconstrued his compliments. The thing is, if he were any other person, she'd probably be right. Little did she know then that LBY spits on social conventions.

Her sending him the evidence he needed to continue the investigation just cemented his respect. From what little he has seen of her, he already sees how resourceful and clever she is, he trusts her to have a scheme. I think he even admires her for it.

I think this is why it hits him so hard when he finally sees her at the lantern festival. It's not really love at first sight. He's admired her mind long before that, she already has his respect. That she is gorgeous and her smile is brighter than the lanterns is just what cements his crush.

107 notes - Posted August 24, 2022

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[anotherhumaninthisworld]

Lucile Desmoulins’ diary

I’ve made a full English translation of the edition of Lucile Desmoulins diary (1788, 1789, 1790 and 1792-1793) given by Philippe Lejeune in 1995.

1788

At Bourg-la-Reine (the location of the Duplessis’ country house Clos Payan)

First part of my diary

Saturday 21 June 1788 — This morning Maman gave me a silk worm.

Sunday 22 — I've been bored all day, it's not… In the evening, around 10 o'clock, Maman and I laughed a lot at Mar (Lejeune thinks this Mar, that shows up multiple times throughout the first part of Lucile’s diary, must be one Sylvian Maréchal (1750-1803) author, atheist and proto-communist who would join Babeuf in the Conspiracy of Equals in 1796) and at Chien Maigre.

Monday 23 — This morning, before 8 o’clock, I went for a walk in the grove. The beautiful chaffinch was on the sumac. Seeing it, I say to myself: "If I can walk around it without it flying away, it's because..." I made a lap and a half, the beautiful chaffinch didn’t fly away! I await the event which must happen before the end of this year... Today I haven't worked on my story. There is a heavy downpour as I write. It's half past nine, I leave my pen and go for a walk while waiting for the day to end. It seems very long to me... I couldn't walk, it rained too much. I started to spin until supper.

Tuesday 24 — Saint John’s Eve. This morning I was arranging silkworms, P(apa) had just come into Maman’s room and I was in the salon. Leaving Maman, he was going to enter the salon, wanting to push open the door to it! P(apa) says I'm scared of him, that I was running away! My sister came to tell me that, and I, very angry, went to pick quarrel with P(apa). After dinner, we went to the park (Parc de Sceaux, according to Lejeune), we saw the water sprout in the fountains, we found M(onsieur) B. D and M(onsieur) G. We came back at 7 o’clock. We couldn't go for a walk after supper, it was raining, and Maman had a sore throat. I sang a little, then we went to bed.

Wednesday 25 — I read Gessner. I found a poem that made me laugh a lot, ”Le satyre.” I copied it.

Thursday 26 — The three of us went for a walk in the park. In the evening, we found a glowworm. We went to see it in the light and then we brought it back to the grove. We sat there. I sang Le Chien Maigre, which always makes Maman laugh.

Friday 27 — I want to finish my story, I cannot finish it! I take up the pen, I want to write, but nothing comes… I feel like running very hard. How do you do it? It's been raining cats and dogs all morning and the ground is completely soaked… For the moment, I remain in an inaction that no longer allows me to think. It seems to me that I am devastated, I cannot understand how I exist... However, I recover and remember the dream I had last night: I dreamed that I was on the edge of a precipipe, a man came to me, and, taking me in his arms, made every effort he could to throw me into this abyss; at this moment I felt this man hardening, I suddenly saw him turn into a big tree, the arms that were holding me became hard and big branches were already covering me, I was in a terrible stir, believing that I was going to stay that way forever! However, I managed to get rid of it, I started to run at full speed and woke up with a start...

Saturday 28 — I practised playing my piano all morning. The builders are here. At one o’clock, I did a little soaping. I was picking raspberries. After dinner, I finished my distaff. We have gotten ducks, I went to see them. I went to draw. I'm starting to get bored of writing down everything I do like this. In the evening, I went for a walk in the vegetable garden with Maman, I ate gooseberries, and then I was alone in the pavilion, I picked a little hornbeam which I brought to Lolotte, then I I was dreaming in the grove.

Sunday 29 — We went to mass, and laughed a lot at the vicar who almost broke his nose while saluting the high altar. M(onsieur) SR thought we were laughing at him! And on our way back we found M(onsieur) A who was coming to dinner. M(onsieur) Lg came too. We went for a walk in the Park, the S a and l.a were there but I did not see them, it was Maman who told me that. There came a terrible downpour and we had to hide under a yew. Madame and Mademoiselle le b.l also came there and, having recognized Maman, struck up a conversation. After the rain, they went away, we stayed a little longer, finally we returned very quickly. M(onsieu)r Lg left around 8 o’clock. M(onsieur) Lm stayed for supper, a carriage came to take him at 10 o'clock. After he left, P(apa) went for a walk in the salon, he seemed to be impatient that we were not going to bed. Finally he went away and I stayed a little longer to talk with Maman.

Monday 20 (sic) — I got up at 7 o’clock, I wanted to go get some raspberries, but I couldn't find the time. Maman made me arrange mulberry leaves, it took all my time, then I had to do my hair. Maman made her ratafia which I didn't find good. At dinner, while giving me soup, P(apa) told me that I hadn't made much progress in sonata, that I was rather busy with frills, with songs; I didn't answer, because I thought he was right. One is very strong when one is right... After dinner I went for a walk in the grove. I had fun breaking dead wood, then I found a snail. I examined it a little, I broke its shell, but having fallen onto my stomach it made me cry out loud, because this ugly beast was crawling on my stomach! I made a big hole and buried it. In two or three days I will go and see what has become of it. I came back, I filled a reel. Before unwinding it, I asked Maman if she wanted to write something on the paper on which I was going to unwind. Maman wrote, "Time flies like this thread between your fingers," and I added, "Maman, it flies even faster when I'm around you." Maman smiled. After that, I started drawing. The schoolmaster came to teach my sister. I asked him if he had decided not to write me verse, he told me that it wasn’t possible for him, but that he would try nevertheless. I composed a story about a drawing I made.

Wednesday 1 — We have been in les Alpes. (Lejeune was not able to identify this place. Lucile certainly can’t mean the mountain range which is situated 862 km from Bourg-la-Reine). We almost lost Moumoute (a dog) and Mar(échal) who went looking for her. In the evening, at midnight, I copied passages from ”l’Hymne au soleil.”

Thursday 2 — I copied ”La gelée d’avril”

Friday 3 — Maman wanted to read Mar(échal)’s ”L’Âge d’or,” but she couldn't read for long because she was yawning too much. I took it from her and went to read it in the grove. Maman annoyed me all evening by reading me passages from Grandisson, passages of which I did not know the subject.

Saturday 4 — This morning I went to read ”Les Noces patriarchales” in the grove. I found a tale that resembles one I made in ”L’Âge d’or.”

Sunday 5 — I read Grandisson. Monsieur Lamouxxx (same as m(onsieur) lg) came to dessert and brought a print at the bottom of which there were verses addressed to Maman. After dinner, I went upstairs to read a few passages from Grandisson, but I had to go back down to go for a walk with everyone, which annoyed me quite a bit, because I would have liked to read forever. After a while I came back up, expecting to have escaped the glum company again, but after a while they all came back! Finally Monsieur La. left at nightfall and I went to breathe in the grove.

Monday 6 — I didn't go out all morning, I did nothing but read. I read my little tale for Maman. I don't think she found it too pretty, she moved out of the salon.

Tuesday 7 — I haven't been out all morning. We went for a walk in the park. It was raining cats and dogs, we took cover and then… I don't think I need to write it down! I will remember… After half an hour, we got back in the carriage and then we came back. I sent to find the eggs. (j’ai envoyé dénicher les œufs) I got back up and we played badminton with Mar(échal). I spun. Do I need to tell everything? My God, how boring it is… We supped… And then we went back upstairs. I sang, I didn't really want to...

Wednesday 8 — This morning, when I woke up, I found my eye swollen. And my sister too... And Mar(échal) too... but it's charming. It's two o’clock as I write. The dinner bell rings, I must leave...

Mar(échal) went to L. I did not leave my piano. I would like to finish my tale, but I cannot. My God, how stupid I am… In the evening, what detours I had to take! We have come to the end of it. I did not sing.

Thursday 9 — We were, Maman and I, in the woods. What a delicious walk: cloudy weather, both of us melancholy, both with the same subject of sorrows… Oh Maman……

Friday 10 — After dinner we went to the grove. Mar(échal) didn't want us to see the romance he had made, but Maman took it anyways, then she whispered to me...

Saturday 12 — I didn't leave the salon, I wasn't playing my piano. In the evening, around 7 o'clock, we went to the park with P(apa). There came lightning and thunder, we went home.

Sunday 12 — I got up early in the morning to make Maman get up, but she kept me close to her to talk. She told me stories, we just laughed! P(apa) came to scold us, I fled into the salon. After a quarter of an hour the sky darkened, a terrible dust arose, and thunder rumbled. I was on the sofa, I got up, I sat down again, I was tormented, I wanted to read, I couldn't... The hail was falling, the thunder was starting again, I was looking all around to see if I could see it striking... I would be very curious to see it… Finally the storm stopped, and did not prevent La Mg (same as m(onsieur lg) from coming. He is a fearless man! The dinner bell is ringing, I'm going down.

The dinner was as sad as the character. Oh, how boring! We went to the green bench. The conversation was very interesting, indeed: it was about a hair being cut, and then we asked which side of the root it was! (il était question d’un cheveu qu’on coupait, et puis on demandait quel était le côté de la racine) He left at 8 o’clock. After supper, Maman and I talked about… I'm glad Maman agrees with me!

16 — One summer evening, overwhelmed with heat, I found myself in the grove, at home. I couldn't support myself. I would have let myself go if each tree had not served as my support. So I came to my piano. It was dark, absolutely dark. I fumbled around with my keyboard. “Come on, I said to myself, I must play a very cheerful melody.” No matter how quickly I moved my fingers, my piano only made muffled and plaintive sounds. Distant claps of thunder further augmented the mournful sounds I was making with my fingers. From time to time the sky was on fire. Finally, overwhelmed with sleep, I fell asleep, and my fingers were still on the piano. I slept for a long time. I had delicious dreams. I dreamed that I saw a shower of flowers under my feet. I saw a cloud forming, I felt myself being lifted, finally this cloud lifted me very high, but much higher than the imagination can. I felt very happy, lying on a cloud. Oh, what a pleasure! Then I saw the abode of the Lord. There was not what I had been told that one saw, gold, rubies, diamonds. There was nothing of all that man longs for on earth and hopes to find one day in heaven. I saw a mirror — I called it so, because I was not taught the name — I saw a mirror, it was white, of a celestial blue, it represented things that I cannot explain, since they are absolutely foreign to all that we see. But I was happy contemplating what presented itself to my eyes. I approached, I touched this mirror, I felt a sensation that I had never experienced. My soul seemed to exhale, I thought I was going to be separated from it. Oh, delicious moment, full of enjoyment, how short you lasted! I woke up when I was so happy... Instead of the cloud, I find my head on the piano, and the rain and thunder were still going their way...

Friday, Saturday, Sunday — I played the piano almost all night without stop. It’s a great pleasure for me.

Sunday 20 — P(apa) came with Monsieur m h l. and his nephew. La Mg came too. We had no shortage of boredom! He gave me ”la Romance du Saule”, which I had lost. In the evening, the carriage drove Monsieur m h l away. P(apa) did what he could to get La Mg to sit in the carriage, but this man is too tenacious, he didn't want to! He only left at 8 o’clock. A moment later Maman and I were walking down the road. At supper P(apa) talked about how bored he had been all day. Now he wants us to go to the Palais Royal. Great pleasure, we would be fine without it!

Monday 21 — At half past seven, I was at the pavilion. I sat in the grass for a long time. Several people came to the gate. It's very odd that for the past three or four days, I've always been thinking about…, he doesn't get out of my head. However, I don't like him. When I sleep, I dream of him! Since then, everything displeases me. Oh, I would like to see Melkam! (Lejeune suspects ”Melkam” might be some sort of anagram for ”Camille,” who had asked for Lucile’s hand in 1787 but not been given her father’s consent) How curious I would be to hear him speak, how he would teach me things! Always the same thought comes to besiege me, it's a very singular thing... Tell me, are you thinking of me or are you forgetting me? Ever since... every day I don't miss it... is engraved on it... I'll never call it anything else. It is to him that I have consecrated it, he will take my place. Maman made me tremble last night: she came to fetch the inkwell, I was in bed, she opened my drawer to take a pen, I was afraid she would take my notebook...

Tuesday 22 - At midnight, we were in front of Mar(échal). Maman told me about her dream on the way, it turned out to be true. After a few steps we found Mar(échal). We asked him for news, he told us that he had spoken to the Swiss, who had told him that he needed permission from the master. I sang after supper. We didn't walk for long. I composed, I don't know how, a romance, I believe it's a prayer to God, I'm going to transcribe it. Beings of beings, indefinite being, you whom the whole earth adores, you my only consolation, mighty God, receive the offering of a heart that loves only you! Enlighten my soul, teach me to know you! Alas, what mortal has this happiness? Teach me to know error, so that I do not fall into the dreadful abyss that surrounds it! O my God, why do you abandon your creatures? Look upon them favorably! Alas, what can I, weak mortal, do you hear my voice in the immensity you occupy, does it penetrate to you?…Pardon this doubt, it is the only one that will come out of my heart… Celestial being, enlighten my spirit...I hate the world...is it evil?...Why do you let it be so wicked?...Can you leave your finest work imperfect?...O my God, when shall I fly into your bosom, when will I be able, while contemplating your glory, to prostrate myself at your feet, to water them with my tears and to ask you for the forgiveness that you will have already given me? Filled with you constantly, I think of you... Are you a spirit?... What is a spirit?... Are you a flame? Ah, let it appear, this flame, and consume me! Come with me, never leave me! See, my mind is wandering. Do I know what I am?... My God, I don't know myself. What spring makes me act? Is it a part of you… oh no, then I would be perfect… Every day I ask who you are… Everyone tells me, and no one knows… What is the sun? It's fire. Alas, I know it well, but what is fire? We don’t know anything. I adore you without understanding you, I pray to you without knowing you, you are in my heart, I feel you and cannot guess you… You are the secret of nature, and it is this secret that we will not be able to discover… To you I can speak, you are above what man calls offence, this word means nothing to you, you cannot be offended. Open the eyes of the universe, my God! We are all blind, let us see this pure day that surrounds you! Make another miracle! Make yourself known! But no, it is in vain that I implore you, I am not worthy of your benefits… We will therefore have to crawl eternally… This happiness that we are looking for, where to find it? The man tries to dazzle himself. So when he forgets himself, he thinks he is happy... No, there is no happiness on earth, in vain we run after it, it is only a chimera! When the world no longer exists... Can it be annihilated... they say there will be nothing... nothing? What a picture! What, nothing?...nothing at all?...I get lost! This sun, will it lose its brightness, will it no longer shine? What will become of it? How will it be nothing? … My God, your power is very great. It's up to you to leave everything. We must therefore revere you and be silent. I leave the pen and go to bed. I'm dying to sleep... I still want to write something... I don't know what I'm saying... I'm leaving...

Wednesday 23 — M(onsieu)r b c wants to introduce Mar(échal) to Madame G, it could be that he… I hope that this will succeed and that this joke will become serious, that would amuse me a lot. Mar(échal) told Maman that I showed him through the window something very finely written that I hadn't wanted to let him read. Maman told him it was a diary I was doing. "Oh, will you show it to me, he said to me, when will you show it to me?" Never! It is for his nose that I write!… After dinner, I copied from Italian. We went for a walk in Cachan, we were very bored there. After supper, we took a walk. It was raining a little, but under the trees this rain was delicious. Maman wanted to catch me, but I was running faster than her. She called me back telling me she was going to tell me something. I came back, but I didn't trust her too much. She said to me, “You see all those trees, well, I saw them alive! They were soldiers. They were all arranged as you see them, when they were transformed into trees. Their leader was an old demon called Prince Tilleul, who had gotten it into his head to kidnap a young girl your age, whose name was also Lucile, she lived somewhere around here, in a muslin castle, but she had a fairy godmother who was always with her because she loved her as if she had been her daughter…” While Maman was telling me this, I saw that she was trying to pass a ribbon around me to tie me to the lime tree, but I took a big leap and she missed her shot! She called me back, but I told her: “On condition that you finish your story!” She told me she wanted to. The fairy, very angry, came to meet the battalion, armed with her wand; she said to him: ”Maroufle…” My God, my God, I don't remember more, I laughed too much! Where did Maman come up with all of this? I've never found her so crazy. The fairy poked her wand in the prince's jaw to find time to speak. She blew up his helmet, he fell down, he took root and was changed into sumac, and the halberds into poplars, and the mines into soldiers! And metamorphoses! It was pouring rain and we didn't feel it. Maman got hoarse from laughting and talking… We went to bed.

Thursday 24 — This morning I worked on my “Princesse d’Espagne”. I wanted to read the beginning, but it's so badly written that I can't get through it. What a time we spent, during and after dinner! How will it all end? How dearly pleasure is purchased! Alas, how should one do to be happy? What a joy to be independent! I am not, I who have no bond... All life is but an eternal slavery... I love only one person on earth, her alone! Yes, Maman alone makes all my happiness, everything else is indifferent to me. She's the only friend I want to have. Friendship with me has no sharing… What darkness, when I think about it. O you whom heaven created for our inversion, how well you fulfill your task! But take care that one day this sky does not punish you for the evils that you avenge us! Men, of what use would my complaints be to you, if you heard them? They would serve you as laughing stock… These reflections that I often make have relieved my heart, it needs it… Alas, what does heaven intend for me in the course of my life? What will become of me? The months, the days, how long they seem to me... How sad a fate is that of the woman... How she has to suffer! Slavery, tyranny, that is her lot. They still want us to love them! I believe that they would tolerate having altars erected for them, and, prostrating before them, censer in hand, ask their pardon for the evils they cause us to suffer! To them, we are celestial beings, nothing is equal to us. Ah! may they deify us less and leave us free! Caution must be our first study, we need it. If ever I form such a terrible bond, prudence, discretion will be my study... Oh, I will study him, whoever possesses me, I will be careful not to let myself be seduced... Always on mistrust! What a cruel thing… I will do what will depend on me to make him happy, but let him do the same, because happiness depends on both. But if he abuses my goodness, if he is ungrateful, if he is ungrateful, if he is unfaithful... ah! Which country is far enough to separate me from him, what seas will I not cross to be able to erase even his memory... What am I saying, where to flee, ah let's rather stay! I am happy in my misfortune. The thorns are still in bloom… If among these flowers, they sting me, let us endure it, and take care, by forming a tang of wishes, to find them deflowered! I don't want anything. The only thing I wish is to never have existed...

Friday 25 — P(apa) has not returned yet. All day I wanted to cry. I couldn't spend long walking with Maman. I withdrew as quickly as I could. I couldn't play the piano, I couldn't spin. I was going, I was coming, without being able to occupy myself. Maman got some side wraps. She came to ask me afterwards if I wanted to go for a walk with her. We went around, she hardly spoke to me, she came back, then I went back to the pavilion, I lay down on the grass.

Saturday 26 — I got up before 8 o’clock, I went to the pavilion. I am like a person whose spirit is absent. I don't understand myself, I don't know why I think or why I speak, I don't know what makes me act, in short I am like a machine. I cannot express what I am. I cannot understand what my being is. Ah, death is preferable to this kind of annihilation. To be, without knowing what one is, the singular thing! Maman is still locked in her room. I spent the morning, as well as the Friday afternoon, without being able to do anything, starting everything and finishing nothing. P(apa) hasn't come back yet. After dinner, I splashed in the stream, still with this absence of spirit, and the moment when I write is still the same. I only act on instinct.

Sunday 27 — Maman told Picard not to let M(onsieur) Lg in, but the order changed with M(onsieur) l f having come. My spirit is still absent. We went for a walk at the Verrieres pavilion, we had fun enough, we toured the chestnut forest. La mg was still walking ahead, he was looking for fern. He told us that in the rod there were the arms of the Empire, and he showed it to us. We got back in the carriage, L f left at 7 o’clock, L m didn't want to leave yet. Oh, what a man, how tenacious he is! We returned through the pavilion. Maman went to sit in the arbor lounge, I was walking near the gate. I didn't know what to do with myself, I was so bored. He finally left. Maman told him as she drove him home that she was going to have dinner in town next Sunday. Maman wanted to go home, but I said to her: "Let's sit on this bench, we have nothing to do." After a quarter of an hour a gentleman rode past. He was quite well dressed. He dismounted his horse and then passed. He went over to the other side of the road. In the meantime he passed an abbot with another gentleman. He says in passing that only one goddess was missing, that would make the three Graces… What is he getting involved in? Afterwards, the gentleman passed by the gate. Maman looked at him a bit, and I didn't pretend to see him. P(apa) entered through the pavilion door. He seemed to be in a very bad mood. "How you are dressed!" he tells us. He walked around and told us he believed he would lose his case. He went down the main driveway, Maman and I took the little one, we found him in the flowerbed, sitting. I asked for light and we went back up. While having supper, he told us that he had met a gentleman who knew him and who had praised him a lot for his house. This gentleman is a knight and a great talker. Talkative knight, probably some adventurer… He asked P(apa) for permission to come and see his house. P(apa) told him that it would please him, so we will receive a visit from the talkative knight. He has a house in Châtillon, but it is not as beautiful as ours. Really, doesn't he want to buy it? If he wants, he can stay at home!

Monday 28 — I got up at 6 o’clock, I went for a walk in the pavilion, I met P(apa), he walked a bit with me, I left him near the raspberry bushes. I went and threw myself on a haystack, I stayed there a long time. I found a few hours of happiness there. I was at my piano. Maman came to pick me up for lunch, we went for a walk for a while. She showed me a maze project that L mg pitched. It's not quite to his liking. I went for a walk in the evening with Maman, she was very melancholy. We sat opposite the gate, she didn't stay long for me, I stayed until 9 o'clock in the evening. This lack of spirit does not leave me. I dare not talk about it because I cannot explain what I feel, not understanding it. They would laugh at me.

Tuesday 29 — P(apa) took medicine. Maman showed me a maze she drew herself: it's charming, there will be an altar in the middle. At table P(apa) left for a moment, in the meantime Maman told me that we would go for a walk on the side of L'Hay. We went for a walk near the Cachan mill. I tell Maman in the evening that my diary was boring me, that I was going to let it go. She laughed it off, and then she told me it was about "looking busy, to say you're doing something you didn't want to show." What a great idea you came up with there, Maman! Go, it's because I won't show you anything more, there's really something to discourage! I will continue, however, but you will not read it!

Wednesday 30 — I found Maman doing paperwork to her secretary. She told me to sit down next to her, and then she told me that she sometimes found affectation in me, that I shouldn't have any in anything, that I shouldn't look for looking like no one, that she loved me better with my faults than with borrowed graces. Maman sometimes has strange ideas! She doesn't even want me to try to imitate her... Yet I often want to. I always have the sound of her voice.

1789

We went for a walk in Sceaux. I said to Maman: 'Why are we bored here, is it because there is no one here? It’s very beautiful though!” "You see," Maman told me, "there are some kinds of beauty that you don't like. We like loneliness. This bores us because it says nothing to our soul. A hut where one enjoys oneself, where one lives without sorrow, is incomparably more beautiful than a palace. There is no true beauty except that which pleases, just as there is no happiness except that…” She did not finish. I said to her: “Well, then finish what you were saying!” She sat down on the ground. I wanted to get her to finish, but she said nothing more and we both sat dreaming for a quarter of an hour. “There is no true beauty except that which pleases,” I said to myself…, “but that which pleases the greatest number must be the most beautiful. But if there is an individual who does not like it, what can be the cause?” I would have liked Maman to explain this to me, but there was no way of getting her to say a word. I don't even know if she saw me.

How upset I am! Everything I see only serves to despair me! Scourge of the earth, you whom heaven made to punish us... How tired I am of living, and I fear to die... Alas, why am I?... What am I useful for on earth? If I didn't exist... I don't know what I'm saying anymore. My mind is absent, I go to bed without thinking about where I am… What am I? Very little…

My piano spoke to me. It said two words that I couldn't understand. What does "sphindre" and "valstes" mean, I don't know. I'm going to bed. Maybe I will have a revelation? I will know what these two words mean… “sphindre” and “valstes”. Why did my piano say... I'm crazy!

They say that troops are coming to Bourg-la-Reine. Necker is not gone, he still reigns. In six months, in a year, what will have happened? What things will I see! What situation will we find ourselves in? We are still in uncertainty… O woman, cruel woman, woman unworthy of the sun that shines on you, what, will not celestial vengeance burst entirely on your head, will you triumph? Go, the day may not be far off when all the evils you cause will fall on you! You will groan then, but it will be too late! We won't complain! Fear the example of queens who, like you, have done evil! See: some perished in misery, others carried their heads on the scaffold. This may be the fate that awaits you...

O you whose delicate and light hand traced these words, these words the balm of my heart, you whose feeling so pure drove away from you the fatal prejudice, O my dear Olympe, it is to you that I send the hymn  ”De l’amitié” with its engraving. Under the features of this chaste goddess you will easily recognize yourself. Yes, my friend, it is Friendship in prayer, it is at the feet of Truth which stretches out its hand to embrace her. I thought I had not had too much pride in painting myself under this figure.

Oh how the boring ones are long in the visits! Naughty xxxx, go, if you come here, I will run far away in order to not see you! The fire rises in my face... stupid Irishman! He pities the queen, he does not want to speak ill of her… What is he getting involved in? Let him go to his country! What is he getting involved in? We really need his help! He struggles to make us believe that he is French! Come on, you're Irish to the core and I'm French and I detest you! The weather is nice today.

The clock strikes midnight. What a silence! Nothing stirs. Is everyone sleeping now? My window is open, there is not a breath of wind, the clouds are not stirring. The moon would look good, but it is too covered. What is going on all over the earth at this hour? Is there only one being who thinks of me? If I heard a clap of thunder, how happy it would make me! On our way to the countryside, we encountered a procession. How ridiculous I find them, these priests, with their psalms! If I had power, I would abolish these foolish customs with their bread. When they sing, they sometimes make a patient die of fear! How low our religion is, it debases... What, men... Oh, what a lot to say! Be quiet, Lucile, let the men do what they want, close your eyes to their actions, you have nothing to do with them… They say that the Emperor is dead, that the Count of Artois is under arrest , that the count is exiled, that the queen weeps. This all sounds like very good news to me. When our enemies groan, we should rejoice.

Cruel moments, which have lasted too long!... The dreadful memory still comes to torment me... Ah, all my life I will remember it! Oh, what temerity! O you, happy inhabitants of these sweet lands, you guided by simple nature, how I envy your fate! Why was I not born among you? I have rage in my heart… Flow my tears, flow, relieve my pain or rather consume me! Perish my memory! May I be reduced to ashes, and may the winds scatter it throughout the earth!

One day, MC (Lejeune thinks ”MC” is yet another abbreviation for ”Camille”) was thinking about his portrait; he says to Maman: ”I would like to have a great reputation, do you know why? It's not for the glory, but to be free to do what I want. Then I wouldn't look ridiculous." "It's true, Maman told him, because one passes a lot of faults onto a great man."

1790

O you who are at the bottom of my heart, you who I dare not to love, or rather who I dare not say that I love, dear C(amille)…, you believe me to be insensitive!… Ah cruel!… Do you judge me according to your heart, and could this heart attach itself to an insensitive being? Well yes, I prefer to suffer, I prefer that you forget me... O God, judge of my courage... Which of us has the most to suffer? I dare not admit it to myself, what I feel for you! I only occupy myself with disguising it... You suffer, you say... Ah, I suffer more! Your image is constantly present in my thoughts, it never leaves me... I look for your faults, I find them, these faults, and love them... Tell me why all these fights... Why would I have to make a mystery even to my mother? I would like her to know it, to guess it, but I would not like to tell her... O sublime thought! To think, yes, it is a blessing from heaven... C(amille), I tremble to form only the first letter of your name... If someone were to find what I write! If you would find it yourself... Love... Ah, C(amille)...shall I be your wife? Will we be united one day? Alas, perhaps as I form these wishes, you forget me... Oh, pain! You, forgetting me... at this cruel thought my tears wet my paper, my eyes are troubled, I barely make out what I'm writing... That a tender soul has to suffer... Yes, don't know that I love you , go, flee, C(amille), go seek happiness near another… I will live far from you, I will learn one day that a link… Ah, would this link make you happy? Should you be so far from me?… I will have no reproach to make of you… it is I who am cruel towards me… You are going to make me cherish solitude even more… Your name that I have engraved in the corner of a tree, your name that only I can see... I call it the tree of mystery... Alas, very often I hold it in my arms, and when the wind shakes it, it seems to me that it’s you who breathe... It's in my garden that I write, sitting on the ground at the foot of my lawn, leaning my elbow, leaning my body, I'm alone... Drops of water fall, a ray of sunshine pierces the foliage… Maman went to Paris, maybe you're with her. But is it really true that you love me? You love me... you love Lucile... well if you love me, run away from me! I am a monster…I have everything xxxx… I can no longer think, I am annihilated……… I fall in spite of myself into daydreams… Oh, what is the human heart? What then am I? Me... you... and everyone... Why do I exist? These clouds that pass over my head, who makes them pass? C(amille), why this stubbornness to hide that I love you? Will you come back again... will I be able to run away from you wishing to be near you?... Will I still see you looking for my thought in my eyes, sometimes thinking I guess it, alarming you with a word that you have misinterpreted, Will I still hear you complaining to Maman about my indifference? What will be the end of all this? What will become of both of us? Alas, maybe separated forever, we will mourn our fate in silence… We will remind each other, and we will say “It is together that we should be happy”. Time will pass like this, death will overtake us, we die……..and in this cruel moment that we… This thought tears me apart! Oh, come, come put a veil on the future! July 16 1790

1792

June

Saturday 23 — Michelet came. How stupid he is! La Poype came. Poa poa!

Sunday 24 — F(réron) is scary. Poor simpleton, you have so little to think about. I'm going to write to Maman.

Monday 25 — Maman came to pick us up, imagining that there was a lot of noise.

Tuesday 26 — I was at Luxembourg with C(amille)

Wednesday — Madame D(anton) came, we played music.

Thursday 27 — Maman came.

Friday the 28th — I went with C(amille) and little Duplay to a an old madwoman’s. Ah! Great God, what carrion!

Saturday July 1 — I went to Lux(embourg), with C(amille)

Sunday 2 —  Painful grief, will you pursue me unceasingly?

Thursday 5 — My head is spinning. I was madame D(anton) after dinner. (sic)

Friday — I gave birth. O God, what a change you have made in me! A second nature has just been born there. I am a mother! My eyes fill with tears, it's so sweet to be a mother.

Saturday 7 — They come to see me. One can't wait to see how I'm doing!

Monday 9 — He's gone! If they would have ripped my soul out, they wouldn't have hurt me any more. What a wound has come to my heart! Dear child, live! O God, live, you will be happy! My tears flow. Weak creature, alas, what will be your fate? You will never leave me. Oh how I love him!

Saturday 28 — It's been 3 weeks since I last wrote. I spent 5 days there (at Clos Payan) without seeing C(amille) He made a speech at the Commune and it made a lot of noise. My little one is doing well. I have great pain in my breast.

Sunday 29 — I have been very ill.

Monday 30 — Maman came. The Marseillais fought.

Thursday, August 9 — What will become of us? I can't anymore. C(amille), oh my poor C(amille), what will become of you? I no longer have the strength to breathe, tonight is the fatal night! My God, if it is true that you exist, then save men who are worthy of you! We want to be free. O God, the cost of it! And to make matters worse, my courage abandons me!

December 12 — What a gap since August 9! How many things! What a volume I would have filled if I had continued! How do I remember so many things? My memory escapes me… No matter, I will try to trace something. O my child, my dear child, what palpitation I feel when thinking of you! My son! Why then does this word make my tears flow?… On August 8, I returned from the countryside. Already the spirits fermented very strongly, one had wanted to assassinate Robespierre. On the 9th, I had some Marseillais to dinner, we had pretty fun. After dinner, we all went to D(anton’s). Her mother was crying, she was sad, her father looked dazed. D(anton) was resolute. As for me, I was laughing like a madwoman! They feared that the affair would not take place; although I was not at all sure, I told them, as if I knew it well, that it would take place. "But can we laugh too?" mde D(anton) said to me. ”Alas, I said to her, that presages to me that I will perhaps shed a lot of tears this evening! I was not wrong. In the evening we went back to Madame Charpentier (Danton’s mother-in-law). The weather was fine, we made a few turns in the street, there were enough people. We retraced our steps and we all sat down next to the cafe. Several sans-culottes passed by shouting “Vive la Nation!” Then troops on horseback, and then finally a bunch of people! Fear gripped me. I say to Madame Danton: “Let’s go!” She laughed at my fear, but by dint of telling her, she too became scared and we left. I say to her mother: ”Farewell! You will soon hear the toscin sound!” When I arrived at D(anton’s), I found madame R(obert) and many others there. D(anton) was restless. I ran to madame Robert, I said to her “will they ring the tocsin?” "Yes, she told me, but tonight." I listened to everything and did not say a word. Soon I saw everyone arming themselves. C(amille), my C(amille), arrived with a gun!… O God! I sank into the ground, hid myself with both my hands and started to cry. However, not wanting to show so much weakness and say aloud to C(amille) that I did not want him to get involved in all this, I waited for a moment when I could speak to him alone, and I told him all my fears. He reassured me by telling me that he would not leave D(anton). I have since found out that he exposed himself. F(réron) looked like he was determined to perish, "I'm weary of life," he said, "I only want to die." Every patriot who came I thought I was seeing for the last time. I went to the salon, which was without light, so as not to see all these appetizers. No one in the street, everyone had gone home. Our patriots left. I sat down near a bed, overwhelmed, devastated, sometimes dozing off, and when I wanted to talk, I was nonsense. Madame D(anton) and R(obert) reasoned. D(anton) went to bed, he did not seem to be in a hurry. He hardly went out. Midnight was approaching. One came to search for him several times. Finally he left for the Commune. The toscin of the Cordeliers rang, it rang for a long time! Alone, bathed in tears, on my knees by the window, hidden in my handkerchief, I listened to the sound of that fatal bell. In vain they came to console me, this fatal night seemed to me to be the last! D(anton) came back. Madame Robert, who was very worried about her husband, who had gone to the Faubourg Saint-Antoine as a deputy through his section, ran to D(anton), who only gave her a very vague answer. He threw himself on his bed. One came several times to give us good and bad news. I thought I noticed that their plan was to go to the Tuileries, Sobbing, I told them I thought I was going to faint... In vain did madame Robert ask for news of her husband, no one gave her any. She thought he was marching with the faubourg. “Yes,” she said to me, “if he perishes I will not survive him! But this D(anton) who remains in his bed, he, the rallying point, if my husband perishes I am the woman to stab him!” Her eyes were rolling. From that moment on I never left her. What did I know what could happen? To know what she was capable of… We thus passed the night in cruel agitations. C(amille) came back at 1 o’clock, he fell asleep on my shoulder. Mde R(obert) who was next to me seemed to be preparing to learn of her husband's death. “No,” she told me, “I can't stay here any longer! Madame D(anton) is unbearable to me, she seems to be calm, her husband does not want to expose himself!” The big day having come, I suggested that she come and rest at my place.  C(amille) went to bed. I had a sling bed put out in the salon, with a mattress, a blanket. She threw herself on it and took some rest. I went to bed and dozed off to the sound of the toscin which sounded from all sides and which I still heard. We got up. C(amille) left, assuring me that he would not expose himself. Madame Robert, still uncertain if her husband still existed, did not exhale her pain but her heart was so tightly pinched that she turned yellow. We had breakfast. 10 o’clock, 11 o’clock passed without us knowing anything. We took some newspapers from the day before. Sitting on the sofa in the salon, we began to read them. She was reading me an article, it seemed to me during this time that the canon was fired, but, uncertain, I listened several shots without saying anything. They became more frequent. I tell her: “They fire the canon.” She listens to it, hears it, turns pale, lets go and passes out! I undressed her. I myself was ready to fall there, but the need to help her I found myself in gave me strength. She came back to herself. Jeannette (the Desmoulins’ housekeeper) was screaming like a goat, she almost rolled the m r q. who said that it was C(amille) who was the cause of this. We heard shouting and crying in the street, we thought that Paris was going to be all bloody. We made arrangements, and we left to go to D(anton’s). They shouted ”to arms” and everyone ran there. We found the door to the heart of the trade closed. We knocked, shouted, no one came to open the door. We wanted to enter through the baker's, they closed the door in our face! I was furious. Finally we were let in. Madame D(anton) ran up to us to see how we looked, she was soon informed when she saw the silence of one and the tears of the other. We waited long enough without knowing anything. Finally they came to tell us that we were victorious. At 1 o’clock everyone came to tell us what had happened. A few Marseillais had been killed. But the stories were cruel. C(amille) arrived, he told me that the first head he had seen was that of Suleau. Suleau had come the day before and had, so to speak, asked him for asylum. Robert was in town and had before his eyes the dreadful spectacle of the Swiss being massacred. He came after dinner to give us a horrible account of what he had seen, and all day we heard nothing but what had happened. The next day, the 11th, we saw the Marseillais convoy. O God, what a sight! How our hearts were heavy… C(amille) and I went and slept at R(obert’s). I do not know what fear agitated me, it seemed to me that we would not be safe at home. The next day, the 12th, when I returned, I learned that D(anton) was minister. This news gave me great pleasure, especially when C(amille) came to tell me that he was secretary. It took eight days for me to recover from the astonishment of everything that had happened. Maman came. What projects we made! If all this could last... I thought I would have the power to do good to whom I wanted. Vain chimera! I couldn't do anything... After eight days D(anton) went to stay at the Chabcellerie, madame R(obert) and I went there in our turn. I really liked it there, but only one thing bothered me, it was Fréron. Every day I saw new progress and didn't know what to do about it. I consulted Maman, she approved of my plan to banter and joke about it, and that was the wisest thing to do. Because what to do? Forbid him to come? He and C(amille) dealt with each other every day, we would meet. To tell him to be more circumspect was to confess that I knew everything and that I did not disapprove of him; an explanation would have been needed. I therefore thought myself very prudent to receive him with friendship and reserve as usual, and I see now that I have done well. Soon he left to go on a mission. I was very happy with it, I thought it would change him. But many other cares to be taken… I realized that D(anton)… Oh, of that one, I was suspicious! I had to fear the eyes of his wife with whom I did not want to be hurt. I did so well that one did not know that I had noticed it, and the other that it might be. We spent three months like this quite cheerfully. At the end of this time C(amille) was appointed deputy and we returned to our first home. Now I have made new acquaintances, whom I hardly care about and whom at the first moment I will leave there. F(réron) is back, he seems to be still the same but I don't care! Let him go mad if he wants!…My poor C(amille), go, don’t be afraid…

Thursday, December 20 — I had dinner at Robert's. Égalité came to tea.

Friday 21 — Madame Ro(bert) came to fetch me. Tallien, Chabot and Thuriot were there. Thuriot is a bloody pig, his face is so ugly that it stinks. He took great liberties with Mme Ro(bert). She was pushing him back but not too hard, not to say weakly. She tells me, however, that she dislikes him very much. After dinner we went to the Italians, we gave raval. Blue Beard.

Saturday 22 — I went to see Maman. I went to supper with little Brune at mde D(anton’s). How detestable she is!

Monday 24 — We had dinner at mde D(anton's), madame R(obert), B(rune) and B(oyer) were there. After dinner the men asked themselves if they should go to the Jacobins. They said yes. We were asked if we would go. We say no. Madame D(anton) said to me: ”do you want to spend the evening with me?,” I said yes, but soon I did not know what to do. Brune suggested I go to the theater! It was very embarrassing. Madame Brune said aloud: “I have never been to the Jacobins, I would be very happy to go there.” "Well, I'm going with you," I tell her. Finally, here we are, all ready to leave, when I see madame  Brune and Boyer whispering in each other’s ears. I, like a fool, go to ask them what they’re saying to each other. Madame R(obert) told me that she was very embarrassed, that she would like to go with us to the Jacobins. I was very kind, I said a few words to her that meant nothing, then I went into the antechamber. She came there soon and told me to wait for her, that she was going to follow me, she came back near madame D(anton). Brune came and told me “let’s go”. I followed her saying: ”but madame R(obert) who wants to come?” Finally, we are hardly in the middle of the staircase when we hear someone who says “here they are, here they are!”, then we descend with astonishing speed, and when we are in the street we run even harder. We took a fairly long detour. God knows how we laughed! Nothing, too, was more comical. We went to Vaudeville, still laughing. We saw “Arlequin cruel.” They came to have dinner with us. C(amille) told us that madame R(obert) had seemed very stung, and that she would blame me for it. It bothered me all day.

Tuesday 25 — I had dinner at Maman's. Blanc Bec came there and dined with us. I urged him to come. We made mademe R(obert) angry, we cut her hair. After that we came back to my place where I got dressed. Madame Brune came, she was in a bad mood over having to go there. We were preparing to leave immediately if she looked down on us. She almost wanted to. Finally she received us joking very finely. Incidentally, it was very boring. We came back at 10 o’clock. Brune had supper with us.

Wednesday 26 — I had dinner at Brune. Mademoiselle D came there. After dinner we went to a comedy.

Saturday 29 — C(amille) is sick.

Tuesday, January 1 — Brune brought me a box of sugar. The xxxxx has come. Panis and Danton.

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 — I was at the Convention.

16, 17 — I was at the Convention, I spent the night there, I got to know Madame Dubois-Crancé.

18 — I went to bed at 8 o'clock in the morning. Nothing is over yet.

19 — After dinner we went to the Convention with Maman. We thought they wanted to beat each other up.

20 — I was at the Convention. Finally we win.

21 — F(réron), La P(oype) came in the evening.

22 — Capet was put to death today. Everything happened with perfect calmness. Roulette (nickname for Madame Brune) dined with us. F(rerón) sent us venison. We spent the evening at Roulette’s.

Tuesday 22 — Ricord came to see me. He is always the same, very brusque and coarse, truly mad, giddy, insane. I went to Robert’s. Danton came there. His jokes are as boorish as he is. Despite this, he is a good devil. Madame Ro(bert) seemed jealous of how he teased me… F(réron) came. That one, he always seems to sigh, but his manners are bearish! Poor devil, what hope do you hold? Extinguish a senseless r (sic) in your heart! What can I do for you? Complain... No, no, my friend, my dear C(amille), this friendship, this love so pure, will never exist for anyone other than you! And those I see will only be dear to me through the friendship they will have for you. My sister went to Rouen.

Wednesday 23 — We went to Madame Boyer's to see the procession. I saw that unfortunate Saint-Fargeau. We all burst into tears when the body passed, we threw a wreath at him. After the ceremony, we returned to my house. Ricord and Forestier had arrived. I was unable to stop my tears for some time. F(réron), La P(oype), Po, R(obert) and others came to dinner. The dinner was quite pretty and cheerful. Afterwards they went to the Jacobins, Maman and I stayed by the fire and, our imaginations struck by what we had seen, we talked about it for a while. She wanted to leave, I felt that I could not be alone and bear the horrible thoughts that were going to besiege me. I ran to D(anton’s). He was moved to see me still pale and defeated. We drank tea, I supped there.

Thursday the 24th — What does this statement mean? Why do I need to be praised so much? What do I care if I please? Do you think I'll be proud of a few attractions? No, no, I know how to appreciate myself, and will never be dazed by praise. To you, you're crazy, and I'll make you feel like you need to be smarter. Madame Robert came.

Saturday 26 — We had dinner at madame R(o)b(ert). She gave me a ring.

Monday 27 — I picked up madame R(obert) to go to the Convention. About her case, there was no question. She took us to Dejan's. There was a stupid aristocrat there.

Tuesday 28 — I saw l. m at madame Robert’s. We only stayed there for a moment. We were going to hear a harp playing at Madame Pouxxx's. She missed xxx xxx leaving that we had. The playing was postponed until the next day.

Wednesday 29 — We went back to hear the harp. My God, that was pitiful. They wanted me to sing, but I, seeing the different faces and grimaces of each individual, right in the middle of my song, I laughed and I didn't continue, thank God! We had dinner at D(anton's), where I just laughed, because I was preventing Brune from eating by saying "poa, poa, poa". D(anton) too couldn't keep himself from laughing.

Friday 31 — Ricord, Sy and two Marseillais and Blanc Bec came to dinner. Madame Saint-Ange came to see me in the morning to promise me to go to the opera. We have been there.

Saturday, February 1 — C(amille) took medicine. Sy came. He took his cap. Mademoiselle D has returned.

Sunday 2 — We had dinner at Madame Delinière's.

Monday 3 — I went to see madame D(anton). Sick. La petite Brune gave me her ring. She had dinner with me.

Tuesday 4 — We had dinner at Dillon's. Sy gave me a ring. Mademoiselle D is gone. Have a nice trip!

Wednesday — I went to dinner with Santerre's brother-in-law. C(amille) voted against Dillon. He wasn't happy to be there. He was afraid... It was made up of a few aristocrats.

Thursday 6 — I had dinner with Maman. I went to see madame Da(nton)… She is very ill.

Friday the 7th — I had dinner at Madame Saint-Ange's. From there to the opera.

Saturday — C(amille's) brother came. We had dinner at Madame Brune's.

Sunday 9 — We had dinner at m(onsieu)r xxxxx. Madame Danton is ill. She has given birth to a girl.

Monday 10 — I had dinner with Maman. Madame Danton is dead.

Tuesday 11 — We dined at Roulette’s. Maman came there.

Wednesday 12 — We were, Roulette and I, on the boulevards. From there, to madame Charpentier to where madame Robert came. Roulette dined with us.

Thursday 13 — I had dinner with Maman.

[twwpress]

Weekly Press Briefing #10 - August 28th - September 3rd

Welcome back to the Weekly Press Briefing, where we bring you highlights from The West Wing fandom each week, including new fics, ongoing challenges, and more! This briefing covers all things posted from August 28 – September 3, 2022. Did we miss something? Let us know; you can find our contact info at the bottom of this briefing!

Challenges/Prompts:

The following is a roundup of open challenges/prompts. Do you have a challenge or event you’d like us to promote? Be sure to get in touch with us! Contact info is at the bottom of this briefing.

The fic drive for reproductive rights is looking for authors to participate in their auction event. Learn more here.

Trope Soup: A Josh/Donna Tropes Fest is open for prompt submissions and claims. Fics will be revealed on September 24. Learn more here.

Big Block of Cheese Day announced its September prompts. Submit to the AO3 collection here. 

The September 20 prompts in 20 days are up on Tumblr.

 Photos/Videos:

May we all prosper in the Janel Employed Era! Here’s what was posted from August 28 - September 3.

Janel Moloney posted a photo of herself on set and announced she’s playing a cop in season 3 of Law & Order: Organized Crime, which premieres September 22. 

Richard Schiff posted pics of his wife and himself over the years for their 26th wedding anniversary. 

Marlee Matlin posted a number of photos on Instagram this week, but highlights include getting tattoos with her daughters and posting a selfie with her husband for their 29th wedding anniversary.

Donna Moss Daily: August 28 | August 29 | August 30 | August 31 | September 1 | September 2 | September 3 Daily Josh Lyman: August 28 | August 29 | August 30 | August 31 | September 1 | September 2 | September 3

No Context BWhit: August 28 | August 28 (2) | August 29 | August 30 | August 30 (2) | August 31 | August 31 (2) | September 1 | September 2

@JanelMilfoney: August 29 | August 29 (2) | August 30 | August 30 (2) | August 31 | August 31 (2) | September 1 | September 2 

Miscellaneous:

@JanelMilfoney tweeted a link to an archived transcript of Janel Moloney’s appearance on The View on June 17, 2002, and a highlight thread of quotes from the interview. 

Creator Spotlight:

Welcome to our weekly creator spotlight. Each week, we will talk to a fandom creator and ask them questions about their work and their process. We’ll also give you the opportunity to ask questions of them, too! Want to be a featured creator? Find us via one of the methods listed at the end of the briefing!

This week’s creator is @sinistercherubs, who both writes and makes edits! You can find the spotlight on tumblr or on twitter.

 Editor’s Choice:

Break out your PSLs and your best light academia looks, September is here! In honor of so many educators and students going back to school this week, we thought we’d share some of our favorite fics with back to school vibes: high school AUs, university AUs, law school AUs, professor AUs, sending the kids back to school fics… there’s SO MUCH in this realm and we know we missed a ton of amazing stuff, so we would LOVE for you to reblog/retweet with some of your favorite back to school fics that we missed!!! 

what if i told you, i feel like i know you? but we never met. by annmeredithperkins | Rated G | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | Donna Moss meets an unfamiliar face when she knocks on Sam Seaborn’s door for their English project. His name’s Josh Lyman and he’s good at bothering people. High school AU. 

boy quit foolin' around by sam_writes_fics | Rated G | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | “I don’t follow.”

“It’s detention, Josh, you sit there quietly minding your own business until the bell rings, what did you expect?”

// met in detention au

sometimes it's like you grew up down the street by starsontheceiling | Rated G | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | Afterwards, he’ll say he did it without thinking and all their friends will laugh at him in disbelief, and he understands why but it’s still true. University AU. 

 I'd Go the Whole Wide World (Just to Find Him) by Lily_Padd_23 for supernatural_mondler (starzinoureyes) | Rated G | Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn | Complete | Josh meets a cute boy. Law School/Model UN.

Final Exams by shutterbug_12 (shutterbug) | Rated G | Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, Toby Ziegler, Ainsley Hayes, Amy Gardner | Complete | One-sentence glimpses of to-be-staffers as law students during finals week.

Professor Josh by cookme25 for JessBakesCakes | Rated G | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | Josh's first day of school as a professor! Features Mama Lyman, Donna, and cute kiddos!

The Best Lesson by AndAllThatMishigas | Rated T | Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet, Leo McGarry/Annabeth Schott, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Will Bailey/Kate Harper, Zoey Bartlet/Charlie Young, Ainsley Hayes/Sam Seaborn  | Complete | Jed Bartlet leads a quiet life as an Economics professor, but everything is turned upside down when he meets Biology professor Abbey Barrington. Features the whole tww gang, though with quite a few twists thrown in. University AU. 

Office Hours by hufflepuffhermione | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | It doesn’t take Josh Lyman long to become one of the most storied professors in the history of Georgetown University.

 when i’m in my sweet daughter’s eyes (my heart is now ruined for the rest of all time) by JessBakesCakes | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | The first day of school in the Moss-Lyman family is, as seven-year-old Nora puts it, a big freakin’ deal. Josh has come to enjoy it as much as the girls do – watching them all take on another school year with (mostly) wonder and excitement fills him with pride.

// the Moss-Lyman family's first day of school

Fics:

Presenting your weekly roundup of fics posted in the tag for The West Wing on Archive of Our Own. If you are so inclined, please be sure to leave the authors some love in the form of kudos or comments. Be mindful of posted warnings/tags for each story.

Josh/Donna

it’s you and me (that’s my whole world) by hanyolo | Rated G | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

Healthcare Reform by hufflepuffhermione | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

And the world spins madly on by Shinyrosa | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

i hope this pain’s just passing through (but i doubt it) by sam_writes_fics | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

when i’m in my sweet daughter’s eyes (my heart is now ruined for the rest of all time) by JessBakesCakes | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete

darling, so it goes (some things are meant to be) by mikaylawrites | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

no disorder but the heart's by fairwinds09 | Rated M | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

Jed/Abbey

The Weight We Carry Is Love by piratequeenofgreenthings | Rated T | Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet | In Progress

Wait For Me by imperfectirises | Rated M | Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet | In Progress

Holding Hands by Thedoctorsblogger | Rated M | Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet | In Progress

Sam/Josh

nothin' like you by sam_writes_fics | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn | Complete

Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail by Legends_Never_Die | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn | In Progress

Other Pairings/Gen Fic

fudge sauce & other persuasions by Ashling for ElasticElla (Set It Up crossover) | Rated G | Ainsley Hayes/Kirsten (Set It Up) | Complete

to whom it may concern by rearviewmirror | Rated T | Jed Bartlet/Leo McGarry | Complete

burnt toast, sunday by fleurfemme | Rated T | Amy Gardner/Donna Moss | Complete

Chosen Family by eowyn_of_rohan | Rated T | Josh Lyman, Sam Seaborn | In Progress

to feel you in my arms by rearviewmirror | Rated M | Jed Bartlet/Leo McGarry  | Complete

i’m yours to keep by fleurfemme | Rated M | Amy Gardner/Donna Moss | Complete

Multiple Pairings

constants and variables by rearviewmirror | Rated T | Abbey Bartlet/Leo McGarry, Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet | Complete

the morning after by rearviewmirror | Rated M | Jed Bartlet/Leo McGarry, Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet | Complete

you're my achilles heel by flowersinapril (Newsroom crossover) | Rated M | Josh Lyman/MacKenzie McHale, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

Paradise City by casliyn | Rated E | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Ainsley Hayes/Sam Seaborn, Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet, Zoey Bartlet/Charlie Young, Amy Gardner/Josh Lyman, Helen Santos/Matt Santos | In Progress

The Girl from Madison by Shinyrosa | Rated T | Donna Moss/Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | In Progress

i was seven (and you were nine) by jazzjo | Rated G | C.J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete

turning in place by jazzjo | Rated G |  C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler, Andrea Wyatt/Toby Ziegler, C.J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt, C. J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt/Toby Ziegler | In Progress

There are no second acts in American lives (except when there are) by norahb | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Sam Seaborn/Original Male Character(s), Josh Lyman/Original Female Character(s) | In Progress

 THE WEEKLY PRESS BRIEFING TEAM CAN BE REACHED VIA THE FOLLOWING METHODS:

Twitter: @TWWPress

Email: weeklypressbriefing@gmail.com

 Feel free to let us know if we missed something, if you have an event you’d like us to promote, or if you have an item that you’d like included in the next briefing!

xx, What’s next?

[beardedmrbean]

A writer for Slate submitted the draft of a story in 2016 about Donald Trump and Russia to members of Fusion GPS, the research firm hired by the Hillary Clinton campaign to investigate her Republican rival, asking them for edits, according to a publicly filed exhibit in the U.S. case against Democratic attorney Michael Sussmann.

Franklin Foer sent the story, labeled "Manchuriancandidate.foer" in an attachment, to Fusion's Peter Fritsch and Jake Berkowitz, according to one of the emails that was inadvertently publicly filed by Special Counsel John Durham as an exhibit to a motion this week. The exhibit containing some of the Fusion GPS emails to reporters was unredacted for a time before being sealed again by Tuesday, according to the Washington Examiner.

According to an email on June 28, 2016, Foer wrote, "I handed in a draft of the piece--here's a copy. It's not all edited, so forgive all the rawness. I have no idea what my editor will say. But can you guys scan it for omissions and errors? And obviously keep it to yourselves. (Also promise me that you won't use it as a prod to the competition, whoever they are now.) Thank you for all your help."

Shortly after, Fritsch replied, "your editor should say it's great…jake and i will read more closely and make some suggestions." 

ABC'S JONATHAN KARL: THE MEDIA ‘UNFORTUNATELY’ PLAYED RIGHT INTO CLAIMS IT WAS THE ‘OPPOSITION PARTY’ TO TRUMP

It's not clear which story Foer submitted, although the next one published on Slate after he sent the message was a July 4, 2016 piece headlined "Putin’s Puppet," with the subheading, "If the Russian president could design a candidate to undermine American interests—and advance his own—he’d look a lot like Donald Trump." A separate Foer piece published July 27 was headlined, "Donald Trump Isn’t a Manchurian Candidate," arguing Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin were using one another.

The law firm Perkins Coie had hired Fusion GPS on behalf of Clinton attorney Marc Elias. That eventually led to the commissioning of the infamous Christopher Steele dossier containing salacious, uncorroborated accusations of collusion between Trump and Russia. Sussmann was indicted last year by Durham for allegedly hiding his Clinton campaign affiliation from the FBI while pushing for an investigation into Trump's ties to Russia.

The Durham probe has exposed sources and funders of Steele's dossier revealed to be partisan Democrats, and members of the Democratic-backed Fusion GPS urging reporters to publish the collusion rumors. A separate indictment last year by Durham of Steele sub-source Igor Danchenko, a Russian analyst at the Brookings Institution, for allegedly lying to the FBI revealed one of his sources of information on Trump and Russia was longtime Democratic spin doctor Charles Dolan. 

Foer didn't reply to a request for comment, nor did Julia Turner, who was editor-in-chief of Slate at that point before later joining the Los Angeles Times.

DURHAM SAYS CIA FOUND DATA ALLEGING TRUMP-RUSSIA CONNECTION NOT ‘TECHNICALLY PLAUSIBLE,’ WAS ‘USER CREATED’

"What I want to make very clear is the very basic journalistic best practice and principle of not sharing drafts of stories with the people and institutions we cover is a standard we ascribe to," Slate spokesperson Katie Rayford, who wasn't with the outlet in 2016, told Fox News Digital.

Foer came under bipartisan criticism from journalists after the email came to light, with Noah Shachtman and Mollie Hemingway, respectively the editors of Rolling Stone and The Federalist, offering their opinions on Twitter.

"That is ... not at all how this is supposed to work, particularly on sensitive stories. Just plain wrong," Shachtman wrote.

"Grave, grave journalistic no-no," Hemingway tweeted. "But for a propagandist participating in a hoax, probably standard operating procedure. And it's not the only time he's been caught doing it with Fusion on a Russia collusion hoax story."

Hemingway appeared to be referring to when Foer, a former editor of The New Republic, sent Fusion a portion of a separate story before publication in 2016. 

Last year, he admitted to the Washington Post he was the unnamed journalist, in a federal grand jury indictment of Sussmann, who submitted part of a piece to Fusion GPS the day before it was published on Oct. 31, 2016. The article was published a week before the election, about unproven allegations that a Kremlin-linked bank was in secret communication with a Trump Organization server, headlined, "Was a Trump Server Communicating With Russia?"

The June 2016 email, highlighted in The Reactionary Substack from Techno Fog, is part of a legal filing on Monday from Durham, who has been investigating the roots of the sprawling Russia investigation. Responding to efforts by Hillary for America [HFA] and Fusion GPS to withhold some communications under the claim of attorney-client privilege, he argued that Fusion GPS's blatant sharing of raw, uncorroborated material with reporters around the media belied the idea put forward by Elias that Fusion GPS was acting as a confidential legal adviser. Durham cited having "hundreds" of emails between Fusion GPS and journalists to prove his point.

"…these parties are advancing a highly novel, and seemingly broad, theory of attorney-client privilege, namely, that Fusion GPS’s political opposition research – which triggered a sizeable [sic] outflow of unverified derogatory information into the media, the government, and the public – was, in reality, confidential expert work intended to support legal advice regarding libel and defamation," the filing stated.

NEW YORK TIMES PODCAST: STEELE DOSSIER ‘PROFOUNDLY FLAWED,' SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAD IMPACT IT DID

"As an initial matter, if Fusion GPS’s work product was, in fact, intended primarily to support ‘legal advice’ about how to avoid liability for 'defamation, libel, and similar laws,' one would expect contemporaneous emails and documents to reflect that Fusion GPS and/or its clients exercised some degree of caution and care before publicizing unverified or potentially inflammatory materials," it went on. "Moreover, if rendering such advice was truly the intended purpose of Fusion GPS’s retention, one would also expect the investigative firm to seek permission and/or guidance from HFA or its counsel before sharing such derogatory materials with the media or otherwise placing them into the public domain."

The Democratic National Committee and Clinton campaign agreed last month to pay the Federal Election Commission fines over complaints they violated federal law in improperly describing expenditures to Perkins Coie. As part of the agreements, the DNC agreed to pay a civil penalty of $105,000, and the Clinton campaign agreed to pay $8,000.

[masterhandss]

Hello! Uhm… there’s something I’ve been wondering about for a long time now regarding Nicol. And I figured I may as well ask now, since S2 has started airing.

I’ve seen his wiki page. And it says and I quote: It was later revealed that his emotionless face and quiet nature is a result of extreme trauma. From a young age, people of all genders and ages would tend to do absurd things, as well as assaulting him.

I’ve been so fixated on this probably since S1 had finished, yet I haven’t really had the time to read all the light novels to know where this specifically comes from or even be sure if it’s actually true. The only thing I managed to find was a scene (I think in one of the later volumes) about Katarina pointing out this creepy guy that took Nicol’s used utensils and stared at him a lot, but she didn’t do anything about it because Sophia saw nothing wrong with that guy’s behavior and told her it was okay.

I’m not sure if the wiki was referring to that scene, or something else. And since I know that you read the light novels, I was hoping if maybe you could check that info and confirm/deny it for me. If it is true… then it really puts a whole different perspective on Nicol. People in the series have been shown to faint if Nicol smiles, but it was also mentioned how he was one of the only second year students in the student council because people would fight over him.

And to think their behavior possibly had escalated to the point of traumatizing him as a child makes me very heartbroken to think about. Especially when the wiki also mentioned how he feels very uncomfortable when he’s the center of attention… makes me wonder if the anime will even touch upon any of that.

Hello! I'm sorry if answering this one took such a long time. This one definitely caught my interest so I wanted to take my time in writing a response for this.

// trigger warning: brief mentions of assault (nothing too graphic I swear)

I'm an editor for the wiki, so I admit that I have seen that description on Nicol's page too. I don't know who wrote it (and I never bothered to edit or adjust the wording), but that doesn't really matter since it's not exactly something I can deny.

Before that I just want to make it clear first that the "assault" mentioned in the wiki is probably not sexual or physical assault, it's likely referring to a simple assault, aka any unwanted advances that is done without consent. Whether or not any advances on Nicol while he was growing up were leaning towards sexual assault or physical assault (unwanted physical contact from men and women, sexual invitations, groping etc.) has not been mentioned by the books. It used to be a very popular headcanon for the more darker and realistic depictions of the hamefura or fortune lover world to give Nicol that kind of backstory, which is why I still feel like clarifying just in case anyone might get the wrong idea.

Hamefura is a very light-hearted series so I doubt it would put Nicol is such a tough dark position. While it's played for laughs, thankfully Nicol's beauty makes him so dazzling that people can't get close to him rather than being so handsome that people would try to initiate physical contact at every opportunity lmao.

Rather than the wiki pertaining to a specific scenes, I think it might be written in hindsight instead. It could very much be referring to the guy from Volume 6 who keeps staring at Nicol and stealing his uetnsils, but I feel like it could also be referring to the possibility/likeliness of such events and advances happening regularly. Like we don't really need to be told that men and woman throw themselves at Nicol for us to know about it. I mean if its frequent enough for Nicol to be unbothered by it, then it must happen a lot (as gross as that is). Regardless, those advances can still be classified as assault (since Nicol is not a fan of it at all) and the only reason he doesn't do anything about it is because it happens so often that it might be not worth the trouble anymore. At least we do know from the StoryMe hamefura game that Nicol will act in the face of an unfavorable position if he can, so hopefully he isn't just sitting around like an animal in the zoo if he were to receive unwanted advances.

I wouldn't deny that all of these interactions hadn't traumatized Nicol though. They never really mention in the books word-for-word why Nicol is so emotionally stunted/incapable and silent, they only really mention that he doesn't talk because he doesn't want to receive any unwarranted pity. In the first hamefura anthology (whose canonicity is up for debate), they do say there that the reason why Nicol doesn't talk a lot is because people would twist his words in order to turn it around and make him sound more tragic and pitiable than he actually is. I'm no expert on what is or what isn't considered as trauma, but that sounds like a source of trauma to me. The idea of Nicol being so fed up of people misinterpreting his words and expressions in order to fit what they want to hear must have been so hard on him, to the point where he decided to just not speak at all. It can be easily link to his emotionless-ness too, since any positive reaction like a smile could be twisted to mean other things.

Realistically, having people constantly fight over you, whisper things about you behind your back, constantly ogle at you and be constantly flirted on regardless of gender sounds terrible. If that was me I'd be traumatized too. He definitely hates being in the center of attention for all the reasons previously discussed and other well-known variables; he's always in the eyes of every noble around him which makes him hate being in the spotlight (from his perspective, maybe he always feels like the spotlight is on him, like it'll just never leave. he'll always bothered by the eyes of other people even maybe when he's at home... eyes watching him with desires and expectations, haunting him even when he's alone...). It really makes you think about what kind of life Nicol had been living in without Katarina's positive influence. He would have to bear the burden alone, without being able to say a word about it because he needs to act tough for the sake of Sophia.

Like geez, Nicol is even aware that he has stalkers but isn't doing anything about because "they aren't harmful". He never even really clarified what he meant by that (at least I don't remember anyways, feel free to correct me), like is he already doing something to stop the stalker, is it happening so often that he doesn't care anymore or is he fine with it because the stalker hasn't done anything dangerous (yet)???

If you want an /objective/ answer to whether or not the wiki description was referring to the stalker man from Volume 6 or something else, that line on the wiki was added on April 27, 2020; while the JP release of Volume 6 was on March 20, 2018 vs the EN ebook release which was on June 28, 2020.

The editor is likely a JP reader, or it was just an interpretation based most-likely what-if scenarios/interpretations. That's a fun fact for ya :DD

—and since you mentioned that you haven't read all the volumes of the light novels yet, let me help you by listing chapters in the books with a Nicol POV (that I can remember, as of Volume 9)

Volume 1 Chapter 5 (Encountering Katarina) Volume 2 Chapter 4 (Remembering Katarina's Positive Influence) Volume 3 Chapter 2 (School Festival Various Vignettes - Nicol Ascart) Volume 4 Extra Chapter (The Troubles of Nicol Ascart) Volume 5 Chapter 4 (A Lady for Nicol) Volume 8 Chapter 2 (Nicol's "dream")

With this, hopefully it'll be easier for you to cross-reference if you want to look into Nicol's character on your own :DD

TLDR; the trauma and assault mentioned in the wiki is definitely real, although the extent and severity might depend on the reader('s imagination). There's no particular scene to point to as the source, explanation or example of Nicol being given uncomfortable treatment, but it's not hard to imagine given the kind of character Nicol is. He is a silent beauty who caries himself smartly and politely, which in the eyes of many carnivorous nobles is the perfect kind of prey. Whether or not he was assaulted in any way or if people's behavior towards him can be considered as assault depends on the reader, since we still have yet to get a deep dive on Nicol's life outside of his friend group.

If there's any confirmation or deconfirmation to anything I said that I have missed during my skimming on the light novels, feel free to tell me! If I got the definitions and examples of trauma and assault wrong, feel free to tell me and I'll edit this post as fast as I can!

I know this might not exactly be the response you were hoping for, but I hope it was good enough to read qwq. There's so much I could still say but I know I'll go too deep into interpretation (I kinda already did though...), which I want to avoid since the question is asking for in-canon proofs and instances.

Thank you for the ask!

[ariel-seagull-wings]

RAUL SEIXAS

@superkingofpriderock​

Raul Santos Seixas (28 June 1945 – 21 August 1989) was a Brazilian rock composer, singer, songwriter and producer. He is sometimes called the "Father of Brazilian Rock" and "Maluco Beleza", the last one roughly translated as "Groovy Nutcase". He was born in Salvador (Bahia), Brazil, and died of pancreatitis in São Paulo. Every year on Seixas' birthday, legions of fans, including thousands of impersonators (many even changing their last name to Seixas as a sign of idolatry), throw a parade in his honor in downtown São Paulo. His body of work consists of 21 albums released along his 26-year career. His musical style is mostly rock and ballad, although he wrote songs in many different styles, including variations of styles typical of his native Northeast Brazil like Forró and Baião, and in fact often used more than one style in the same song, such as in "Let Me Sing, Let Me Sing". His debut album, Raulzito e os Panteras, was produced when he was part of a band of the same name. However, he only gained prominence and critical audience with songs from the album Krig-Há, Bandolo! (1973), such as "Ouro de Tolo" ("Fool's Gold"), "Mosca na Sopa" ("Fly in the Soup"), and "Metamorfose Ambulante" ("Walking Metamorphosis"). Raul Seixas developed a musical style that emphasized the maverick and the mystic. His album Gita (1974), influenced by figures such as Aleister Crowley, expresses his views very directly. Many songs in Gita were co-written with his frequent collaborator, then-fellow mystic and future worldwide bestselling author Paulo Coelho. Raul was interested in philosophy (especially metaphysics and ontology), psychology, history, literature and Latin. In October 2008, nineteen years after his death, Raul Seixas was placed in 19th position in a list of one hundred greatest artists of Brazilian music sponsored by the Brazilian edition of Rolling Stone magazine, topping the likes of Milton Nascimento, Maria Bethânia, Heitor Villa-Lobos and others, demonstrating the influence that Seixas' music continues to hold today. Seixas was born at 8 A.M on 28 June 1945 to a middle-class family residing at Avenida Sete de Setembro, Salvador, Bahia. As a child living near the United States consulate, he became fluent in the English language, and was introduced to early rock and roll records of artists such as Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis Presley through his contacts with American diplomats' children around 1956. Elvis's music in particular was influential in young Raul's decision to become a musician. At the age of twelve, Seixas formed his first group, The Panthers, later changing their name to the Portuguese-language Raulzito e os Panteras ("Little Raul and The Panthers"). They appeared on TV Salvador doing covers of Lewis, Little Richard and Elvis, a style of music which was at the time called "cowboy music" in Brazil. They were also the first group in the state of Bahia to play Beatles covers and grow their hair long, as early as 1964.In the mid-1960s, Os Panteras started backing some of Brazil's most famous pop singers of the time, such as Roberto Carlos and Jerry Adriani whenever they went to Salvador. Impressed with their talent, the stars would always advise Raul to move down south and take a chance in the thriving Jovem Guarda scene. Following the promises of fame and fortune, the band moved to Rio de Janeiro in 1967. In the following year they released their first and only album on the Odeon label (later EMI-Odeon), which included a Portuguese language version of the Beatles' song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" among many original numbers. Without any publicity, the record sunk and the band disbanded. Seixas was totally shaken by the failure of the Panthers, and his return to Salvador. He wrote: "I spent all day locked in my room reading philosophy, with only a very feeble light, what ended up spoiling my eyesight [...] I bought a motorcycle and did crazy things in the street."After his former bandmates moved back to Salvador, Seixas made a living as an English teacher before being hired by CBS, still in 1968, as creative director and record producer. In 1971, tired of writing and producing records by bland, commercial artists, he took advantage of a label director's vacations and produced Sociedade da Grã-Ordem Kavernista Apresenta Sessão das Dez, an avant-garde album featuring himself, singer Sergio Sampaio, samba artist Miriam Batucada and Edy Star. The record's mix of Tropicalia, rock and roll and anarchic surrealistic experiments launched Raul Seixas as an icon of Brazilian counterculture.  In the 1970s, Seixas became popular in urban centers such as Rio de Janeiro and São Paulo. Music broadcast on TV and radio was satirical, sarcastic with esoteric themes. References to a wide range of historical and fictional personalities are found within his lyrics: The Beatles, Aleister Crowley, Al Capone, Marlon Brando, Jesus, Julius Caesar and Shakespeare, for example. Seixas was subject to censorship during Brazil's period of military dictatorship.  1971 also saw the beginning of a relationship with esoteric author Paulo Coelho, beginning with Krig-Há-Bandolo in 1973. Through Coelho, Seixas was introduced to the work of controversial English mystic Aleister Crowley, which influenced their collaboration. The influence extended not only to music, but also to plans for the creation of the "Alternative Society," which was to be an anarchist community in the state of Minas Gerais based on Crowley's premise: "'Do what thou wilt' shall be the whole of the Law." The project was considered subversive by members of the Brazilian military, which imprisoned all prospective members of the group. Seixas and Coelho are reported to have been tortured during their imprisonment.Seixas got into self-exiling himself in the United States following the detention by government repressive agents, where his American wife of the time was living. (Seixas was legally married two times to Edith Wisner and Gloria Vaquer Seixas). He has three daughters Simone Vannoy, Scarlet Vaquer Seixas and Vivian Seixas. He would later claim that during his exile he had met his childhood heroes John Lennon and Jerry Lee Lewis, although this claim has been disputed. 

Perhaps as a result of his drug addiction and alcoholism, the rate and quality of Seixas' releases slowed through the late-1970s and throughout the 1980s. In later life Seixas suffered from diabetes and pancreatitis. On 21 August 1989 Seixas died of cardiac arrest, the result of acute pancreatitis brought on by his diabetes and not having taken insulin the night before. His final album, A Panela do Diabo, a partnership with fellow Bahian rocker Marcelo Nova (former leader of punk rock band Camisa de Vênus) was released two days before his death.

It is very common to hear people shouting "Toca Raul!" (Play Raul!) in the middle of concerts, regardless of the artist or genre, 

[cursed-seagull]

Thanks for tagging me @i-do-know-and-idc!! I actually love these questions so I am going to go weirdly into detail on some of these, sorry in advance!

1. name/nickname: okay I put “Ker” in my description which is *Cas voice* a shortened version of my name. It’s also an actual name that means “from the bog” which I think is GREAT

2. gender: female

3. star sign: Aquarius (astrology for fun only)

4. height: 186cm (6′1) YES I AM TALL

5. time: 7:16PM but I might take ages to finish this

6. birthday: Feb. 7th

7. favourite bands/groups: Not a massive music stan but some of my top bands on spotify are Linkin Park, Heaven Shall Burn, System of a Down and Red Hot Chili Peppers

8. favourite solo artist: can I say Britney Spears....? edit: the only reason she’s so high up in my spotify analytics is because I listen to “Work Bitch” on repeat whenever I really need to get something done at approximately 2AM

9. song stuck in my head: The Name Game (which I think I heard in a tiktok compilation at some point today?)

10. last movie: Hi. I never watch movies apparently. 

11. last show: ...s*pernatural. Still.

12. when did i create this blog: June 2017 (I didn’t post between Oct. 2017 and Nov. 2020 but I was lurking the entire time) my old blog? July 2013 🤦‍♀️

13. what do i post: stuff I like, which is mostly things that look nice, are funny, related to spn or related to star trek (OR all of the above!)

14. last thing i googled: tombstone (to figure out the season and episode number of the spn episode)

15. other blogs: @hells-deadeye for the occasional... sepia/desert/abandoned aesthetic?

16. do i get asks: very very rarely

17. why i chose my url: interesting story! At some point last year I noticed my first name is pronounced exactly like the phrase “cursed in” which I think is awesome. The seagull part because I lived close to the coast for a few years and actually LIKE seagulls (controversial, I know) And “cursed seagull” as a whole reminds me of the laughing seagull meme which I also like :)

18. following: 167

19. followers: tumblr 🤝 hidden follower count (not that many)

20. average hours of sleep: it’s probably close to 8 (with a range of 0 - 10...)

21. lucky number: don’t have one! But since you asked: 6.022x10²³

22. instruments: I used to play the clarinet and I used to technically be a band kid... (but I hated it...)

23. what am i wearing: my running outfit minus the shoes

24. dream job: ever since I saw a job listing for a scientist in a research station in Antarctica, THAT

25. dream trip: I definitely want to see the Northern lights at some point, so maybe Norway?

26. favourite food: I’ll answer this like “if you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be” because that’s very easy for me: o a t s

27. nationality: german

28. favourite song: I really like Aerosmith - Dream On

29. last book i read: Charles Stross and Cory Doctorow - The Rapture of the Nerds

30. top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: I’ve never really thought about this but uhhh Jurassic Park (if I can visit the park and it’s functioning), Harry Potter universe (let’s be real), and just for the hell of it The Magic School Bus

Tagging (but definitely no pressure!) @spoiledxdirt @onefuckupfromdisaster @melly-the-crazy-coconut @wildmage7 @thatnormalcrazygirl @46larstar aaaand you know the drill, anyone else feel free to do this as well :)