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sideblog-666-thousand · 4 years ago

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A long bitch of an interview with Euronymous, from Orcustus zine in early ‘92.

What is Orcustus? Orcustus was an early 90’s black metal ‘zine run by none other than Bård “Faust*” Eithun— murderous pretty-boy, and o.g Euronymous simp. I think he might have also played drums in a band called Emperor... but I’m not sure! Its full name is actually “Orcustus— The Shadow of The Golden Fire”, and no, I’m not making this up.

This particular issue here opens up with a quote from a short story called ‘The Doom That Came To Thomas Parkes*’.

Assuming the reader hasn’t read the story, Faust explains that the quote is in reference to what happened to the titular ‘Thomas Parkes’ when he tried to raise spirits. Faust then admits that he’s unsure of his own ability to ‘raise spirits’, but says he hopes that he’ll raise some fists in agreement that there’s something wrong with the underground scene. Ironically (you’ll see why this is ironic very soon), he doesn’t like that certain bands, namely Entombed, are selling so many copies of their LPs.

After a brief diatribe on just that, he goes on to explain that he was in a rush to get this mag out because of problems with the printer. Then, he tells anyone who doesn’t like the fact that this ‘zine only features black metal that they can fuck off, with three exclamation points.

Finally, we get to the end of the opening page, where Faust pulls what can only be called an early form of the Twitter exposed thread. It reads as follows, with absolutely no changes to the text:

“I would suggest you to not do any business with that sucker Evil Ludo from France. He have riped me and several others off, by not return what we ordered. I suppose he’s a medical sensation, as I didn’t know it was physical or psychical possible to live without a brain”

Why am I telling you all of this, when this is only meant to be a transcript of an interview with Euronymous, you may be asking? Because I find it funny, that’s why.

Anyhow, the Euronymous here acts and feels very differently from the Euronymous of the last interview I posted. However, I hope you’ll still enjoy it, and I hope you’re able to appreciate the tiny glimpses of humanity talking to a close friend allowed him, even though they both behave like complete asses. Even though it’s hard to sympathize with him at points.

Like last time, any (sparse) commentary will be between (parenthesis) and in bold. Without further ado, let’s get into it.

F: Well, how in hell shall one be able to come up with an intro worthy enough for this band? The words I wanna describe Mayhem’s music with, is not yet created, and it won’t be created either, because no one has really experienced the real darkness and pure brutality with lays behind Mayhem’s hellish sound, but I suppose you all are familiar with this band anyway. Well, in the first place, I hadn’t really thought to enclose this band in this issue, because if we look away from rereleases of old demos (“Pure Fucking Armageddon”) and live tapes, it’s a pretty long time since their last release (in ‘87 that was). I thought I rather should interview them when they released their forthcoming album “Dee Mysteriis Dom Sathanas”, but due to the circumstances, I realised the time was right for an interview now. I won’t bother you with any history shit, but I could tell a bit about what has happened last year. You all know that their vocalist Dead comited suicude in April ‘91, that was a bigg loss for the underground, and I suppose I don’t need to say that this mag is dedicated to the memory of that infernal man. Anyway, Dead was replaced by Cultòcùlus (back then called Occultus), but due to different problems within the band, he left the band in January ‘92, but let’s not say more about that, as Euronymous didn’t want me to say anything about it at all (but Euronymous, you must admit that it has sounded pretty artificial if I hadn’t mentioned it at all). So now, the band consists of Hellhammer (drums) and Euronymous (guitar (and probably bass too)). I know the singer of Tormentor (rip) from Hungary (Esihar Attila) is interested in singing on the album, and also even moving to Norway, so it seems like Mayhem got some sort of predilection to foreign vocalists, but this Hungarian guy happend to be a good one as well, so never mind that. But I don’t think this is official, so don’t tell anyone you read it here, ok? Well then, it’s an honour for me to dedicate the next following pages to one of today’s most legendary and infamous bands......... THE TRUE MAYHEM!!!!!!!

F: First of all Euronymous, I know you and Dead live/lived totally for the old black metal attitude. Is your hate now total to young and trendy bands after Dead’s suicide?

Euro: YES, we have declared WAR. Dead died because the trend people have destroyed everything from the old black metal/death metal scene, today “death” metal is something normal, accepted and FUNNY (argh) and we HATE it. It used to be spikes, nites, chains, leather and black clothes, and this was the only thing Dead lived for as he hated this world and everything which lives on it. If we had the economic possibility to do it, we should meet up at concerts and beat up ALL trend people ALL the time untill they would be too scared to go to concerts at all, now we need to suck their money instead. It’s impossible to stop the trend no matter how much we want, we have to do the best out of it and sell lots of trend shit to them. (I don’t need to tell you that that’s totally not why Dead killed himself, right?)

F: In the spring of ‘91 you started up a shop in Oslo which sells all sorts of music within metal. Is there anything you can tell us about the shop (ideas? plans?)?

Euro: Well, the original idea was to make a specialist shop for metal in general, but that’s a long time ago. Normal metal isn’t very popular anymore, all the children are listening to “death” metal now, I’d rather be selling Judas Priest than Napalm Death, but at least now we can be specialized within “death” metal and make a shop where all the trend people know that they will find all the trend music, this will help us earning money so that we can order more EVIL records to the evil people. But no matter how shitty music we have to sell, we’ll make a BLACK METAL look on the shop, we’ve had a couple of “actions” in churches lately, and the shop is going to look like a black church in the future. We’ve also thought about having total darkness inside, so that would would have to carry torches to be able to see the records.

F: Well, how is the situation all in all in the Mayhem camp right now?

Euro: Difficult as usual, but we’re closer than ever to record the Mayhem lp. Almost all the material is completed, then I and Hellhammer will record the whole thing with 3 guitars, 2 basses and so on. It will be very massive. Who’s to sing on the lp is not yet decided, we’ll wait and see what happens. We have several people who can do the job very well.

F: As Metalion of Slayer mag* said: “it seems like you at certain times lives on the edge of starvation”. Have you ever been on the thought to just give up the whole band and become a normal 9 to 5 person, or is this a completely stupid question to ask?

Euro: It has been very hard at times, but I am not a normal person anyway so it would just not be possible to do that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why things are as they are (this answer will be long) (that’s okay for me/Ed). The reason why we don’t have any money, is because of hardcore. We have for too long been following the “underground” rules, which say that you must hate money, you must not think you are anything, you must be open-minded, you might have a lot of attitudes and so on. Extremely stupid. But the situation has been that if you don’t follow these rules which are made by hardcore pigs, you are not accepted as a death metal or black metal band! Then you MUST be signed by some big label to be able to make some money, and we’ve never wanted to do that. Then you would anyway be labelled as “commercial” by the HC pigs. This has caused that after 8 years, we are still as broke as ever, while the HC pigs themselves are controlling all labels, and they sign only the bands which fit into their own idiotic world, that means “death” metal bands with society lyrics and jogging suits, and this is what the people see when they grow up. They don’t see any EVIL bands with spikes, as we did. Well, I’m tired about being broke, just to be “underground”. I’m tired of not having money to eat for just because tons of people will call you a “rip-off” if you don’t write 20 letters each day. It’s time to say fuck off to the whole system, which is built to strangle the evil bands in the birth. We must start taking inspirations from the ancient ones, from Venom and their likes. They did their thing BIG, and they never had to think about any idiotic underground rules. They did it big and so must we, but it must never become a trend, it must become a CULT. This is why we have started on a brand new policy with the band and the record label. It’s about time that someone makes a label for black metal and other grim music, and STRIKE BACK. There is NO reason why DSP shouldn’t be as big as Peaceville or Nuclear Blast, if we can just get the business on its feet again and get good distribution. That’s the only way to compete with the HC labels. It’s about time we start taking control over our own scene. We must spread the EVIL bands and pervert people’s souls.

F: What about the Norwegian scene then? Don’t you think that something is terribly wrong when it have gone so far that we have a christian “death metal” band here (Crush Evil)? Advices on how we should kill them?

Euro: First of all— the Norwegian scene is the BEST. There are a lot of GREAT bands (yet with no album out) and of course some shitty trend bands, but nothing as in Sweden. There you have 2-3 good bands out of 100, while here we have a few shit bands who hardly have made even a demo, while all the great bands will make records in the near future. Such as Darkthrone, Burzum, Immortal, Thorns (I’m flattered/ED*), Arcturus, Enslaved and newer bands like Malfeitor and others which I have not yet heard. BUT— when it comes to bands like Crush Evil, we must take serious action. It’s bad enough to have a couple of society bands, but a CHRISTIAN band is too much. But don’t worry, we have plans. They will not continue for a very long time.

F: And now over to something more humouristic....yes.... snuff movies. Who had been the perfect actor for a snuff movie, and why the hell aren’t they legalized? Don’t you think that every video-store should have its own section with snuff-movies?

Euro: Actually I think it’s great that movies like that are forbidden. If they were legal and easily accessible, all the small trend children would be watching them, and then it would not be something extreme anymore (I’m not sure if I agree with you here Euronymous. Snuff movies are usually too raw and brutal for the people with their “peace and life” infected minds. Remember the HC rules/ED) (shut the fuck up, Faust*) It’s just the same what happened to death metal— it became something everyone could buy in every store, something normal and accessible for everyone. All the mystic and evil atmosphere is GONE. I do not think snuff-movies are funny, I think they are DARK. I’ve seen people laugh at them, but that’s probably because they will not be mentally able to take the PAIN and EVIL on over themselves. That is the best way to watch such a movie, to try to FEEL the actual pain of the victims. It becomes much more gruesome then, and that’s great. One must be alone in the darkness and suffer with the victims, if you watch it with other people, they will often talk, laugh and so on, and then you get more distanced from it, it’s not supposed to be funny (death to fun), it’s much better when it’s depressive.

F: Through the years you have been talking about releasing bands like Samael, Rotting Christ, Master’s Hammer, Tormentor, Matricide, Imperator, Massacre etc. on Deathlike Silence Prod., but now some of these bands have released lp’s on labels which only have money in their eyes and know that black metal sells. Doesn’t that frustrate you, and don’t you feel it like the time is running out for you?

Euro: It’s a bit frustrating, but it is also a result of trying to be “underground” which is a suicide policy. Anyway, the main thing is that these evil records get released at all, and not who’s releasing them. We will probably release a record with Tormentor, they’re split up, but they still want to make their Anno Domini demo on vinyl, and we’ll try to fix it within the summer. The time is not running out, because there are a lot of really evil bands around. — most of the Norwegian bands which other labels haven’t heard about. Burzum is ten times better than all the bands on Earache together, and so are Thorns and Arcturus. So there is no problem, really. As for bands like Rotting Christ and Master’s Hammer, we might do something in the future instead. I’ve never been talking with Samael about any deal, but I wish I had as their album is FUCKING GREAT.

F: Almost all bands in the underground today says that they think they got their own style and originality, but the fact is that 95% of the bands sounds totally the same. What is an original death metal band today?

Euro: There exists no death metal bands today. There are only a handful of (mostly great) bands (in case someone hadn’t got it right— black metal has nothing to do with the music itself, both Blasphemy and Mercyful Fate are black metal. It’s the LYRICS, and they must be SATANIC. If not, it is NOT black metal) and what we choose to call LIFE METAL bands. Take a band like Therion. Their music is quite ok, it’s actually one of the best Swedish bands (even though that doesn’t say much) but their lyrics STINK. They are about society and pollution, what the fuck has that got to do with DEATH? If a band cultivates and worships death, then it’s death metal, no matter what KIND of metal it is. If a band cultivates and worships Satan, it’s black metal. And by saying “cultivates death”, I don’t think about thinking it’s funny, or being into gore, I’m thinking about being able to KILL just because they HATE LIFE. it’s people who enjoy to see wars because a lot of people get killed. How many bands think that way? Not many. I can’t think of one.

F: You’re maybe not the most active band when it comes to gigs, but at least you’ve managed to tour Germany and Turkey. What can you tell us from the tour, and is there any new gigs planed?

Euro: That tour was a big mess, we’ll NEVER take the train again! We lost quite some money, but still it was great to get to East-Germany and Turkey. The memories of the tour consist mostly of the starvation and idiotic custom officers, but still I wouldn’t like to have missed the opportunity. We don’t have any concrete plans, we’ll see happens in the future. We don’t like to play for a lot of trendies in jogging suits, so we prefer to leave it be.

F: What do you think of the fact that death metal has been on MTV?

Euro: It sucks. But it isn’t death metal anyway, so....

F: I know that you will soon release the debut album of Abruptum on DSP, so, what can you tell us about it?

Euro: It’s EVIL. It’s PURE EVIL, they were torturing each other in studio DURING the recording and you can HEAR on the music how they SUFFER. It will be the most demented record EVER, and it’s NOT for normal people. This is music which NEVER can become trendy, because normal people won’t be able to understand it. And that’s great. The price for the album it’ll be the same as for the BURZUM lp, which should be somewhere else in this ‘zine*. It’s called “Obscuriratem Advoco Amplèctere Me”, and stay away from it if you don’t like pure DARKNESS.

F: Don’t you think that people in the underground should respect others ideas and views more? I mean, it’s not accepted to spread unpopular thoughts. It seems like there is some sort of guardians of morality and most people keep in mind not to say or do anything which is not accepted by the public.

Euro: I don’t think people should respect each other. I don’t want to see trend people respecting me, I want them to HATE and FEAR. If people don’t accept our ideas as their own, they can fuck off because then they belong to a musical scene which has NOTHING to do with ours. They could just as well be Madonna fans. There is an ABYSS between us and the rest. Remember— one of the HC rules is that you must be open-minded (except for themselves), so we must be careful and avoid being open-minded ourselves. The HC pigs have correctly made themselves guardians of morality, but we must kick them in the face and become guardians of anti-morality.

F: You say you want your riffs to have a dark mood and really sound evil, but what if you came up with a riff which just sounded good, but not evil. Would you use it then?

Euro: Well, if a riff sounds good to me, it mostly means that it sounds evil too. At least when I make the music myself. Haven’t really thought about this about this before.

F: Do you think you’ve been playing this sort of music today if it weren’t for those old bands like Mercyful Fate, Venom and Hellhammer?

Euro: It’s impossible to say. Venom and the other ancient ones have been fundamental influences on Mayhem, and also the direct reason of the band’s existence. We like to think that if they hadn’t started up this, we would have, but who knows? Doesn’t really matter anyway, we hail ancient Venom as the CREATORS.

F: Ok, no more questions at the moment. End the interview in what way you want......

Euro: Perhaps it should be mentioned that well re-release the MAYHEM mini-lp “Deathcrush” VERY soon. We also have t-shirts available now. People should write for prices on things. Be EVIL, not open-minded.

Ok, I suppose some of you already know that Euronymous started up a shop in Oslo in the spring of ‘91. The shop is called “HELVETE” (which is Norwegian and means “HELL”) and are specialized within underground stuff and death metal in general (though he also have some other styles of music there). As he said in the MAYHEM interview, the shop really have a black metal look, so if you ever visit Oslo, I really recommend you to visit “HELVETE” as well. I think it’s good that people take the initiative to start up with such things, because if everyone were just passive, we would all get ruined by poser-shops like Hot Records where they take 140 NKR for the Earache albums (which you in “HELVETE” can get a CD for the same price). Euronymous also sells though mail, so write and ask for a list or something: HELVETE, Schweigaardsgt. 56, 0656 Oslo. NORWAY.”

That’s all! :)

And now for the things I put in asterisks, in order of their appearances.

*If for some reason you actually don’t know who Faust is, he was the drummer on the Emperor LP and “In The Nightside Eclipse” but you might also know him from other great hits such as “threatening to kill Mortiis from prison whilst simultaneously attempting to plead murder of the secondth degree”, “I’m glad the people Euronymous ripped off won’t get their money back because he’s dead hA hA!”, “I got fourteen years for murder because I’m a socially inept virgin— oops” and “bad... bad lyrics who’s quality somehow don’t improve with the passing of time”. All jokes are done in good humour— if it seems like I dislike him, it’s not that at all. I just find him easy to make fun of.

Here is another short bio, this one less sarcastic: he was born in Trondheim, lived around Kvikne, and Lillehammer, worked at Helvete, was a close friend of Euro’s, and has his sun in Taurus.

He also beefed with Glen Benton for dissing the Party City cape (Note: of course I’m being extremely reductive) he and Euronymous seemed to share. Here are a few pictures of Faust:

Here is the infamous Party City cape:

*This was surprisingly hard to find. I think he read it in a mag or something. Here’s a link to where you can find it: https://issuu.com/davidgamble/docs/paranormal37/3 page 64-65.

*Slayer mag was another zine, this one by a bloke named Metalion, who was Euro’s best friend.

*Faust (who felt the strange need to make a distinction between himself, the editor, and himself, the interviewer) also played in Thorns (well, Stigma Diabolicum), under the hilarious moniker: Fetophagia✨

*He’s being a fucking idiot, what was I supposed to say? It should be noted that Faust actually went down for the snuff films too.....

*In case you’re interested, for whatever reason, the prices for the Burzum LP were as follows:

Norge— 130 NKR

Norden— 100 K

Finland— 60 FN

Island— 1000 IK

Europe— 15$

Outside Europe,

Overseas— 15 $

Air— 22$

East Europe— 10$

By ‘norden’ he presumably meant ‘northern Norway’, and “Island” is the Norwegian word for Iceland. Notice the way he doesn’t include Sweden! (Edit: Originally I thought he didn’t include Finland because there was a black metal war with them as well, but it seems as though that feud came a bit later or had already passed)

That’s all, for real this time!

Legal disclaimer: I am absolutely, in no way shape or form, claiming that the stupid cape you see them wearing is literally from Party City. From my limited research, I’ve gathered that the Party City chain hasn’t yet opened its doors in the beautiful and glorious country we know as Norway— Norge. However, I am saying that the cheap, dinky piece of cloth covering their backs and shoulders are of the same kind of shitty quality you’d expect from a Party City Count Dracula costume and that maybe Glen had a point about how stupid Euronymous (and Faust) must’ve looked.......

#black metal #euronymous #mayhem #emperor #euronymous interview #interview #Faust #Orcustus zine #true norwegian black metal #my transcript #Bard Faust #look at these fucking dorks

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mydarlingwitcher · 5 years ago

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Jaskier bribes Geralt into coming to one of his classes to show some point about how life on the road blah blah blahblah and Geralt just sits in Jaskier's chair glaring at all the giggling students, one of them even calls him Mr. Pankratz on their way out

First of all, I need you to know that when I read this in bed last night I snorted so loudly at Mr. Pankratz! You genius, you.

I wanted to write a short drabble about it, because the idea is just so good (and we’re all in love with the professor!Jaskier art, right?), then it somehow snowballed into a 1k ficlet. Because I have no control over my brain. So now let’s slap a very dignified title on this thing and call it a day lmao

Professor Pankratz brings his himbo husband to class

Geralt surprises Jaskier by travelling back from Kaer Morhen a fortnight earlier than planned.

Of course, when asked, he simply states that they’ve had a mild winter and there was no sense in loitering inside the castle walls when he could have picked up a few contracts along the way.

“Naturally.” Jaskier agrees with a knowing smile. For once, he refrains from calling the witcher out on his bullshit. That’s one of his many ways to show Geralt that he missed him, being mindful of the man’s appreciation for quiet after a taxing journey.

Just like Geralt is always more prone to soft touches and casual gestures of affection, after he’s been away from his lover for so long. It’s the sweetest thing, really. Like the first bite of a warm pastry filled with jam.

And not even Jaskier, for all his lyrical prose and dewy-eyed emotions, could have imagined a future like that for the both of them. But against all odds, it works. Summers circle back to misty autumns, icy winters give way to springs and their bond grows fonder, steadier and all the more fiery for it.

The bard doesn’t say much that night, but he does draw a hot bath for Geralt and he scrubs his back, unknotting the tension in those broad shoulders with a nimble touch born of intimacy.

“Hmm, I needed that” Geralt murmurs once he’s drying his hair with a towel that smells like lavender. It means thank you, but also come here.

They tumble into bed together not one minute later. It’s been four months and they’re eager, so thrilled to stroke and lick and bite, to plunge and sink deeper.

They’ve dreamt of this so many times.

After, when the window is cracked open and the smell of sex blends with their languid breaths, Jaskier rolls over and slings an arm across Geralt’s flank to draw him closer.

“Come teach my class with me tomorrow.” He whispers in the witcher’s ear. He’s sporting a neatly trimmed beard these days, and it tickles Geralt’s neck in the most tempting way.

Geralt chuckles dryly, but the lack of an immediate quip tells him that Jaskier is serious. It’s a little scary how often they can read their minds by now.

“Don’t think so. You’re the teacher, Jask. I’ve got nothing to tell them.”

“But you’re the reason I’m still alive and teaching in the first place. Besides, you can just sit there, look pretty and answer some questions. My students have heard a lot about you, they’ll adore you.”

“Jaskier, no, you know I don’t-”

“If you say yes now, I won’t ask you for another three years.”

Geralt considers it as Jaskier nips at the nape of his neck. “Deal.”

How awkward can it be anyway, the witcher asks himself as they walk inside a small classroom on the following morning.

Pretty fucking awkward, as it turns out.

“Good morning, professor!” A couple of students pipe up, before a dozen pairs of young and excitable eyes zero in on the massive, leather-clad man standing next to their teacher. Even without his swords, there’s no mistaking who he is.

“Melitele, is that-”

“It’s Geralt of Rivia, Jaskier’s muse!” Someone hisses with unabashed glee.

Geralt glares at them, wide-eyed and scowling, and they stare back. Trust a bunch of green singers and poets in training to call him, a witcher of Kaer Morhen, a blasted muse to his face.

“Yes, we have an acclaimed guest with us today, and I’m expecting you all to be on your best behaviour.” Jaskier announces with a flourish of his hand and a smile that’s equal parts dazzling and menacing.

And fuck it if that doesn’t turn Geralt on a little.

But this is decidedly not the time for it, so he dumps all of Jaskier’s books and scrolls on the desk and he just sit there, feeling very much like he’s trapped in a Kikimore’s nest.

Meanwhile, Jaskier prompty busies himself with returning the lastest assignments, taking the time to bestow a comment or two on each student. It’s clear that his pupils hold him in high regard, but they’re not afraid to interact with him.

Geralt remembers a couple of tales about Jaskier’s education, and how literacy was beaten into him with a stick, to quote the bard. It’s a thought that sits uneasy in his stomach, even now. Which is why he feels a surge of admiration witnessing his lover in his element.

He’s not playing the lute yet, but he’s composing a symphony nevertheless, carefully guiding and encouraging every young man and woman.

Then he launches into a full analysis of an epic poem and the merits of adapting a story to the metrics of a contemporary ballad, talking fast but never rambling, and no one is staring at the witcher anymore.

Geralt crosses his arms and listens, his cool exterior still in place, though Jaskier can definitely tell he’s amused. He flashes him a smug smile.

The class soon nears its end and Jaskier goes to stand behind Geralt, placing a hand on his shoulder. A couple of students most definitely mask an aww with the turn of a page or a cough.

“Now, as you’ve been such lively listeners, let’s see if our guest would like to, um” He tilts his head and meets Geralt’s wary gaze, “Answer a few questions, absolutely not related to his personal life?”

Four hands shoot up immediately. Geralt groans.

The questions are actually nothing like he expects.

“Did you ever meet Filavandrel again? Would you say your advice had some influence on his decision to change the rules of succession?”

“Was your life any different during the plague?”

“How does it feel to have inspired many tales that will live on as popular folklore?”

Geralt does his damnedest to give passable answers using as few words as possible. He’s sure no one is very impressed, but if they’re disappointed, they don’t show it. Smart brats.

As soon as Jaskier declares that their time is up, he stands up in one fluid motion and he heads towards the door with a brief “Hm. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Mr. Pankratz!” A girl answers politely. That stops him dead in his tracks.

Mr. Pankratz?

“What the fuck, Jaskier.” He mutters as he turns around and fixes his lover with a stunned glare. The man throws his head back and chortles, and the whole classroom bursts into laughter after that.

Geralt doesn’t remember ever blushing for such a trivial thing. For a second, he’s legitimately hoping some monster will emerge from a dark corner and swallow him whole.

Jaskier teases him about it later, but not that much. And he more than makes up for it when he drags Geralt to his chambers.

All in all, Geralt doesn’t regret visiting him in Oxenfurt. Quite the opposite.

#geraskier #geralt x jaskier #gerlion #the witcher #jaskier #geralt of rivia #professor jaskier #geraskier ficlet #geraskier fandom #geraskier headcanon #a himbo and his sophisticated lover #this hashtag is stupid but it's staying #mydarlingwitcher

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officialleotolstoy · 4 years ago

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Oh Anatole Brainrot* We’re Really In It Now, aka Anatole playlist annotations!

*I only have brainrot about him in terms of his relationships with Hélène and Dolokhov idc about him on his own 🤢

This playlist is infuriating because it has so many good songs on it and he does NOT deserve to have a playlist that slaps so hard :/

My Type - Saint Motel

“You’re just my type; you’ve got a pulse and you are breathing”

The lyrics are literally just I Will Have Sex With Anything That Breathes which is Anatole’s only personality trait. It just is.

Fool For Love - Lord Huron

“I’m asking her to be my bride, I know there’s another man but he ain’t gonna delay my plans”

This song is about eloping with a girl who already has a boyfriend, it is THE Comet section Anatole song. Which angers me because it’s such a good song, it doesn’t deserve to be associated with him in my head.

The Cult of Dionysus - The Orion Experience

“Wine and women and wonderful vices”

HEDONISM BABEY!!! Also the phrase “wine and women” with “he spends his money on women and wine” in Comet...makes ya think.

Everybody Loves Me - OneRepublic

“Look so good I might die, all I know is everybody loves me”

You know that quote that’s like “[Anatole] cultivated an air of superiority blah blah blah whatever” (paraphrased)? This is that in song form.

Bedroom Hymns - Florence + The Machine

“The wine and the women and the bedroom hymns”

Thottery AND the phrase “wine and women”? Anatolecore.

Talk - Hozier

“I’ll try to talk refined for fear that you find out how I’m imagining you”

I think if he needs to, Anatole can sugarcoat carnal desire with pretty words. It kind of comes down to “I’m pretending to be eloquently and romantically interested in you but I really just want to have s*x with you”. He might not have that much self-control, but the bottom line is that this song is horny and so is he.

Someone New - Hozier

“I wake at the first cringe of morning and my heart’s already sinned”

All my notes say is “commitment issues thot anthem” which is fair. I think it’s physically impossible for him not to fall in love with someone new every week, which is the entire point of this song. Also “you knew who I was with every step that I ran to you” tracks, Anatole doesn’t really try to hide it.

Paradise City - Guns N’ Roses

“Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty”

I won’t lie, I’m not sure if this is what the song is actually about but that bit at least has hedonism energy. Also this came up on genius lyrics and it feels like something Anatole would do:

Hallelujah - Panic! At The Disco

“I got caught under the covers with secondhand lovers”

Ok whore. But also the vibes of knowing you’re a sinner and reveling in it feels like Anatole. It’s the complete lack of shame for me.

Why Should I Worry - Billy Joel

“Why should I worry? Why should I care?”

Has he ever actually cared about anything other than his own personal wellbeing? Jury’s still out. This song implies he has street smarts which may not be true but not every lyric is gonna work 😔✌🏻

Only The Good Die Young - Billy Joel

“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun”

The entire song is just seducing a devoutly Catholic girl, and it doesnt exactly work but I always assign this in my head to that time he tried to marry Marya B. But just in general, the reckless seduction vibes work.

Mambo No. 5 - Lou Bega

“To me flirting is just like a sport”

Unironically this is such an Anatole song. Listing off all his different lovers and their attributes is absolutely something he’s done. This is just a carefree thot song which is his vibe.

Ex’s and Oh’s - Elle King

“Ex’s and oh’s they haunt me like ghosts”

This is also on the Hélène playlist but this time the ex messing things up is his wife (not that any of that was her fault). I also think the general vibes of “I’m gonna make you want me so much and then leave you” are Anatoleish

Rasputin - Boney M.

“Russia’s greatest love machine”

LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME THIS DOESN’T WORK. It’s about the seduction of upper-class Russian women come ON

I’m Born To Run - American Authors

“I’m gonna live my life like I’m gonna die young”

This is almost a more wholesome version of his careless hedonism, more skewed toward seeing the world rather than just having drunken fun but the energy is still there

Don’t Stop Me Now - Queen

“Tonight I’m gonna have myself a real good time”

It’s the “having fun is the only thing that matters” mindset. He doesn’t deserve this song 😔

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen

I don’t have a lyric for this one, it’s just like. Yes I am a professional flirter! He is not this into commitment but i imagine he tells a new person this every week.

Oops!...I Did It Again - Britney Spears

“But to lose all my senses, that is just so typically me”

The lack of commitment and not treating relationships seriously is very Anatole, and so is the refusal to take responsibility for the heartbreak you directly caused.

How Bad Can I Be? - The Lorax

“How bad can I be? I’m just doing what comes naturally”

I KNOW I KNOW. HEAR ME OUT. This is pretty much Tolstoy’s “defense” of him verbatim. It’s the idea that he’s just so naturally like this it has never occurred to him to be any other way or to think about other people’s wellbeing. Anatole is the Onceler and Natasha is a straight girl on tumblr circa 2012.

Runaway Baby - Bruno Mars

“When I play, I never stay”

He would never be this self-aware, but otherwise it fits. The whole thing is about an inability to commit and a propensity for causing heartbreak. Also, I’ve had a grudge against this song for years and the blind rage it fills me with is reminiscent of the blind rage Anatole fills me with.

California Girls - The Beach Boys

“I’ve been all around this great big world and I’ve seen all kinds of girls”

This song is like, “What if we objectified every woman ever but made it a bop?” which is massive Anatole energy I think.

Girls, Girls, Girls - Motley Crüe

“I just need a new toy”

Literally the exact same justification as California Girls

It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls

If I’m gonna add songs about objectifying women, I’m gonna add songs about objectifying men too. Equal opportunity whorery.

Parental Guidance - Judas Priest

“You say I waste my life away but I live it to the full”

This is just him to Vassily. Refusing to be controlled by your parents’ expectations and just going off to have fun is Vassily’s whole gripe with him and also the point of this song.

How To Be A Heartbreaker - MARINA

“You gotta have fun, but baby when you’re done you gotta be the first to run”

The bits about not getting close to anyone because you’re afraid of getting hurt don’t really apply but the “here’s how to make people like you and also we are for sure not staying together this is just for fun” definitely fit.

The STD Song - Top Memes

“Sinning with your naked bod is evil and atrocious”

I uh. I forgot this was on here but I was RIGHT when I added it. This is the lecture Vassily gives him after his Polish wife debacle-

Do It All The Time - I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

“I’m only doing anything I want to do because I do it all the time”

He literally just does whatever he wants without thinking about the consequences. It’s just got huge entitled kid thot energy which is Anatole’s whole character. And the line “I’m taking your girl and I’m making her mine” is deeply Anatoleish.

Until The Night Turns - Lord Huron

“I got a helluva view for the end of the world, I've got a bottle of booze and a beautiful girl”

This doesn’t fit into any particular situation but I do think if the world was ending and Anatole was drunk with a pretty lady he would have this exact reaction. Also the repetition of the word sunrise (which is what the name Anatole means) is just a fun little extra bit.

Girls - The 1975

“What’s the fun in doing what you’re told?”

Rebellious kid energy! Also “she can’t be what you need if she’s 17” is everyone with morals @ him about Natasha (I know she was 19 at the time shh it’s about the energy).

Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) - The Offspring

“In his own mind he’s the dopest trip”

This man is The Worst but he really thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips huh! Literally everyone can tell he’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch EXCEPT HIM. Smh.

#anatole kuragin #war and peace #my post #w&p playlists #unfair of this playlist to slap so hard when it’s for the worst character #im gonna post the ship ones a bit later bc im a narcissist and i want more attention xo

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along-came-atsushi · 4 years ago

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Novel Recap: Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam

Prologue & Chapter 1

Man, it’s been some time since I’ve started this little series. And originally I wanted to do Dark Era first. But since 2020 has been a shit year so far I’m not in the mood to read even more depressing stuff. So, I decided for something a little brighter.

Also: “Recap”, that was the word I was looking for, after I failed to come up with a proper name lol.

As most of you probably already know the first light novel is the original story from season 1, episodes 6 & 7. But it’s without Atsushi, since Atsushi hasn’t been introduced as a main character yet. They also gave some of Dazai’s original lines to Atsushi, which I think is not the best decision, since it alters the characterization. There are also some heavy differences between the novel and its anime counterpart. I personally prefer the novel.

But anyway, let’s get started, we’re inside Kunikida’s mind the whole time. This is going to be fun.

The prologue begins with Kunikida explaining what his ideals are, how he met his ideals, why he married his ideals, and when he plans to have babies with his ideals.

My name is Doppo Kunikida, an idealist who lives in reality, a realist who pursues ideals.

I have this stupid mug I bought back when I started studying. It will now forever remind me of Kunikida:

And this is a record of the struggles between a man who yearns for the realization of ideals and a new hire destined to interfere with them.

The following interference of ideals took place between 5 pm and 6 pm [ding ding]

Also here are some interesting excerpts from his ideals...notebook...diary... ideals-diary. I’m gonna call it that now:

Takekoshi came to my house. We took a stroll under the moonlight together.

Ha, gAAAAAAAAYYYY.

I ate a pear. It wasn’t sweet.

Then why did you eat it in the first place????

The story continues to turn into a beginning of a Brooklyn 99 episode, but it’s with Dazai and Kunikida chasing some random thief. Come to think about it, isn’t the ADA supposed to take only cases the police can’t deal with? Guess the police in the BSD universe is even more incompetent than I thought.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s all according to plan. More importantly, guess what I just saw.”

“I don’t care!”

“It’s this incredibly rare book called ‘The Complete Suicide’. I’ve been searching all over for it, and I just noticed it on display in the used bookstore back there-- Ah! I have to go back and buy it before someone else does.”

And that’s how Dazai met the love of his life. Can we also talk about that the title “The Complete Suicide” sounds rather strange? Especially when I translate it into German: “Der Komplette Selbstmord”. Oh god, fuck off, book!

But no matter how twisted my partner’s interests are, no matter how much he tries to sabotage the mission, I will not allow the criminal to escape for failure is not written in my schedule.

“For failure is not written in my schedule.” -> That is an awesome and inspiring quote. I want it on a t-shirt. Or on another mug.

After a chase through a crowd of people they’re able to catch the thief, thanks to Kunikida’s ability and Dazai’s... uh... plan.

One resident speaks up. “J-just who are you people?”

I whip out my detective license and hold it up in the air so everyone can see.

“There is no need for concern. We’re with the Armed Detective Agency.”

[Brooklyn 99 intro starts playing]

And that’s it for the prologue! On to chapter 1:

8th

It rained this morning. A quiet shower, but frigid like the depth of winter. I yearn to live for my ideals. I strive for my ideals. I move forward without fear, without fatigue, without hesitation. Neither dreams nor honor will be pursued--for how euphoric it an be to solely devote oneself to quotidian tasks.

Why does this sound like the lyrics to an Evanescence song? *sad Amy Lee voice* Frigiiiii~d like the depth of wiiiiiii~nteeeee~r

Also... Kunikida, you must be a blast to have on a date. No wonder the women swoon over you.

But despite its [the building of the ADA] appearance, it’s so sturdily built that even machine-gun artillery fire from the outside wouldn’t cause any damage to the interior. That may sound oddly specific, but it’s happened to us.

*nods heavily* Sounds like completely normal work hazards to me, don’t know what you’re talking about.

Kunikida tells us that he checks his schedule many times. Like... really many times. Probably also while using the bathroom. I don’t know if this is a normal behaviour, but okay. So he goes to work and finds Dazai being high thanks to shrooms, dancing around in the office, to everyone’s demise.

“Whoa there’s a giant sea anemone outside the window, Kunikida! A banana... It’s eating a banana! And it’s even removing the white stringy bits!”

Yes, this man is a terrifying genius and an ex-Port Mafia executive.

Man, I should try these mushrooms one day, too. Dazai’s visions really sound entertaining.

I pour coffee into my mug as I always do.

I really hope we share the same mug, Kunikida! Don’t disappoint me!

But now, I don’t want to hide my all time fav quote from Dazai from you:

“Oh, I’ve got it. I need to take off my clothes. I need to get naked to get higher ratings! It’s simple, really! Let us undress! After that, we can all put on full-body thighs, go to the bank, and dance the hopak!”

Yes, this man is a terrifying genius and an ex-Port Mafia executive.

I land a roundhouse kick to the back of Dazai’s head, knocking him against the wall and rendering him unconscious.

Everyone in the ADA after that:

We’re told how Kunikida and Dazai met and the day he was introduced as a new employee into the ADA

In that moment, I suddenly sense a cold, piercing light in his eyes, as if he were calmly evaluating his senior--no, as if he were staring into my very soul through the eyes of a heavenly, enlightened sage. [...] Was I seeing things? Could my mind have been playing tricks on me?

Dazai uses Leer. It’s very effective.

If you only know the anime version, than you completely missed the fact that Fukuzawa and Kunikida had a conversation about Dazai. They both realize that there must be something wrong about his alleged background, because it doesn’t quite add up. And then there is also the fact that his ability is extremely dangerous.

“I would like you to bring Dazai with you while you work and see if he can be trusted. If you ever feel he could be an emissary, intelligence operative, or spy of some sort, then you are to fire him without hesitation. However, if you sense any sign of wickedness in his heart...”

The president takes a black automatic pistol out from a bag behind him, then presents it to me.

You do not fuck with shachou and his family.

The next day they meet with a teenage hacker boy called Rokuzu, because the ADA received an anonymous email requesting them to investigate a haunted building. And since neither the Ghostbusters nor the Winchester brothers reside in Yokohoma that task also falls into the ADA’s hands.

“Anyway, it’s not like you to be late. What, were you on a ‘date’ or something?”

He makes a circle with one hand and shoves a finger in it with the other.

Typical teenage boy behaviour.

“Sorry to disappoint, but I only plan on going on dates with the woman I marry. And according to the ‘Future Plans’ page in my notebook [...] it’s going to be another six years before I get married.”

“Hold up. You already got a girl you’re gonna marry?”

“Not for another four years.”

Thank god, we live in times with apps like tinder and stuff, so we can all schedule our marriage and dating plans.

The next things happen pretty much the same as in the anime. They ask the teenage hacker boy to look up the sender of the mail, they meet with the taxi driver who tells them about the abduction of several people, Dazai tries to Tokyo Drift but fails miserably (which wasn’t shown in the anime) and then they investigate the haunted building, which turns out to be an abandoned hospital. They do this in the middle of the night, of course.

Oh, and Kunikida is absolutely terrified of ghosts. *deep voice* You’re in Silent Hill, son.

They hear a scream for help and run to the rescue, just in time to find a woman named Sasaki almost drowning in a tank. Thankfully she gets rescued by these two gentlemen, otherwise it may have been the end for her.

Aside from Dazai’s overcoat, she’s nearly naked and soaking wet in the middle of the night.

Damn, that poor woman. She must be freezing.

Her hands tightly wrapped around her elbows and her legs stretched out on the floor are especially delicate.

Uuuhhh.... Kunikida? Dunno if this is the right moment to-

The clothes clinging to her body sketch the outline of an alluring figure.

This man needs a hug.

I feel almost as if I could see through her remarkably fine porcelain skin.

Maybe a little bit more than just a hug.

Wet hair clings to her nape as water drips onto her chest.

Kunikida STAHP!

I avert my gaze for absolutely no reason.

“absolutely no reason” -> PFFFFFFFF. Sasaki tells them that there are other people trapped here and wants to lead Dazai and Kunikida to them.

“... Wait.” I place a hand on Miss Sasaki’’s shoulder, stopping her. “Dazai, what do you think?”

“The way she’s dressed makes me feel things,” he says with a straight face.

“Be serious.!”

“with a straight face” -> so no feeling things at all? Dazai stop playing straight already. Even Kunikida doesn’t buy it anymore.

Anyways Dazai thinks Sasaki’s story is a little bit too convenient. They’re searching for the other victims trapped here, but when they find them it’s already too late, since a poison gas trap somehow activates and they have to retreat.

#doppo kunikida bsd #osamu dazai bsd #yukichi fukuzawa bsd #Doppo Kunikida #Osamu Dazai #Yukichi Fukuzawa #BSD #Bungou Stray Dogs #bsd novel #bsd ln 1

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plutotown · 5 years ago

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Better Off — Ricky Bowen (Part 3)

Part 1: here

Part 2: here

Summary: A night at the El Rey theatre makes it impossible for you to avoid Ricky, but little did you know that it’s impossible for him to stay away from you.

Ship: Ricky Bowen x Reader (can apply to female or male)

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1.28k

Tags (aka people who I think would like it): @ppkrtingle @bocauhl @hunnybears @marsvesl @chaoticgoodisa @iridescentkippen

Author’s Note: I simply COULD NOT resist making a part three! Also, I wrote the lyrics in this myself. It kinda goes with the beat to All I Want but, like, they’re my lyrics? I don’t know, appreciate my efforts, okay? I also thought I would be posting this in 2020 but I ended up having some time on my hands and finished writing it, so enjoy!

(I do not own any gifs used)

“I wish I knew how to let you go. I wish you knew how to love me so...”

These past few weeks have been rough. You’ve tried your best to recover from the biggest heartbreak from your life, but right now it seemed practically impossible to do that.

“You mean the world to me, but clearly I don’t mean yours. I hate having my heart being put through all these wars...”

With opening night of High School Musical nearing, you couldn’t not be around Ricky. He was everywhere you were, so avoiding him was a no go. So, while you and the rest of cast were in a old, semi run down theater you took the time to get some alone time. It was just you and a a piano, just the way you liked it.

“I played your game, and we know who won. If only there was some way to run. Cause every time I have a chance, you hurt me again, and no matter the case I’m the one who’s put to blame...”

Pouring your heart out into lyrics was harder than it seemed, but it helped. You needed a way to cope, and music was just the trick. Works every time, 100% guaranteed.

You didn’t care if everyone heard, well, maybe not everyone, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to heal from your pain, and work on yourself, even if a certain someone never seemed to leave your mind.

“Now I’m gonna sing this song just to get my message through...” You sang, closing your eyes as you eased into the chorus. “How can I love you when I know you‘ll never feel the same? How can I sleep at night when my feelings are just a game? I wanna scream wishing we could just be something more...”

As you sang, a certain someone could overhear the sounds of your singing, and that certain someone so happened to be Ricky. He slowly tiptoed towards the door of the storage room you were in, and leaned against it to hear you better.

“It must’ve been something I’ve said or something I’ve swore because no matter what I do, I’m always a bore.” You sighed at the last line. Who would’ve thought that the truth hurt so much? “You say I’m just a friend, but we know how this would end. If it’s up to you that‘s all gonna have to depend. I know me and you could be more than just a dream...”

Continuing to play on the piano, Ricky slowly opened the door without you realizing. Of course he comes in at the part that screams that what she’s singing is about him. “After all I’ve done, you won’t get over her. I can’t seem to make me the one you prefer. And I may be better off, but you refuse to leave my mind...”

Singing louder than before, you belted the chorus without any care. Ricky stood by the door, blown away by your voice once more. “How can I love you when I know you‘ll never feel the same? How can I sleep at night when my feelings are just a game? I wanna scream wishing we could just be something more...”

“It must’ve been something I’ve said or something I’ve swore because no matter what I do, I’m always a bore. You say I’m just a friend, but we know how this would end. If it’s up to you that‘s all gonna have to depend. Now I know me and you were only just a dream...” You played the last notes, and as you did something in the room fell, and you jumped to see Ricky standing from afar. How great is that? Not.

“Y/N-”

“What are you doing here?” You ask abruptly, not giving him any chance to explain himself just yet.

“I, uh, heard singing and-”

“So you just came in without permission?” You cross your arms.

“Well, yeah-”

“Get out.” You demanded, standing up and pointing to the door.

“What-”

“Get out!”

“No!” Oh yeah, Ricky had enough. He had done a lot of thinking, and he realized many things, one of them being that you couldn’t not be in his life. He needed you more than anything else, and you refused to see that. There were just some things Ricky wished he saw in Nini, but he didn’t. Why? Because nobody else is like you.

“Look, I’m sorry. More than you think.” Ricky said, looking down at the ground.

You didn’t say a word, because you could see the guilt in his eyes. It was clear that he was sorry and that there was something else going on in his head, but you were aware of what that something else was.

“I just...” He paused, walking closer to you, trying to continue his apology. “Remember in kindergarten how you'd meet a kid and know nothing about them, then ten seconds later you play like you're best friends because you didn't have to be anything but yourself?”

“Ricky, why are you quoting High School Musi-”

“Singing with you felt like that.” Ricky admitted. Yes, he was quoting one of Gabriella’s lines, but it was the truth. Singing with you gave him a feeling he never felt before, he couldn’t even describe it.

“Ricky...” You frowned. “That’s Gabriella’s line.”

Okay, you weren’t getting the point, which frustrated Ricky a little, so he had to take a different approach.

“This isn’t working.” He sighed, which confused you. “Huh?”

"That night I... I avoided kissing you even though I wanted to.” You crashed your hand on the piano, making a bunch of unpleasant noises. Did he really just admit that he wanted to kiss you? Yes, yes he did, and you were internally screaming on the inside because of it.

“I’m sorry, what-”

“I realized that nobody can live up to my first crush.” Ricky said, and again, you were confused. Maybe you were too oblivious to see the facts, or maybe Ricky was just extremely bad at expressing how he felt.

"Minnie mouse?” You asked obliviously.

"Well actually, she was my second." Ricky said, looking directly at you. Was he trying to hint that you were his first crush? Absolutely. Was this his way of telling you? Absolutely.

Now you two stood close to each other, eyes meeting and hearts racing. Of course you wondered what happened with Nini because you never imagined this happening, but you didn’t care in the moment, all you cared about was the guy in front of you, who was giving you the ultimate heart eyes.

"It was me, wasn't it?" You asked quietly. Ricky simply nodded in response, and that was just enough for you.

You took the chance that you had been waiting for by placing a hand on his cheek and leaning in, and it seemed that the feeling was mutual, since Ricky leaned in as well, no turning away at the last minute.

With each second, your heart felt as if it were going to burst. Was this finally happening? Were you actually going to get what you wanted after all these years? Yes and yes.

Ricky places his hands on your waist and your lips crashed onto his, fireworks exploding in your head. You had imagined this happening before, but you didn’t imagine it being better than the fantasy in your head.

As you both pulled away, you looked at each other happily. Who cares if you guys were in a run down storage room with supplies older than you both combined? All that mattered was the person you were with, and that was Ricky.

And maybe, just maybe, you weren’t better off without him after all.

#hsmtmts #hsmtmts x reader #hsmtmts imagine #high school musical: the musical: the series #ricky bowen #richard bowen #ricky bowen x reader #ricky bowen blurb #ricky bowen imagine #joshua bassett #joshua bassett x reader #joshua bassett blurb #joshua bassett imagine #plutotown writes

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actualbird · 5 years ago

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nobody asked but here are my personal top five pat gill videos | a 2.1k word long post where i rank and review pat gill’s videos for just way too long.

Right around the tail end of April, 2020, I fell into the rabbit hole of my current obsession; Polygon Dot Com Video Content. As a consequence of this was being introduced to the phenomenon of Pat Gill. A dire consequence of that consequence was me slowly, deeply, irrevocably, finding myself attracted to this marionette of a man. So, I enjoy his content and I think he’s hot and that combined with the fact that some of my friends bully me over that latter fact has inspired me to do this: rank my personal favorite Pat Gill videos in a post that’s entirely too long.

Before I get straight into the rankings, I need to explain my process.

First, I needed to narrow my scope. Polygon has a lot of videos. Polygon has a lot of videos with Pat Gill in them. If I didn’t narrow my scope, I would either go bonkers yonkers or have a list that would be kilometric in length and thus miss the entire point of ranking altogether. So, for my sanity, I am excluding any videos that are a part of a Polygon video series. This means no Overboard, no Gill and Gilbert, no Video Game Theatre, etc. If I included these, I would cry. I do not want to cry over Polygon Dot Com Video Producer Pat Gill.

Second, I need a criteria. If I just ranked videos with no system, I would find myself endlessly rearranging my list based on whatever thought comes out on top in my mind at the given moment. I am a disorganized person, so I need rules. I have decided that I will rank Pat Gill videos using the EEEH criteria.

Entertainment. Do I smile, watching the video? Do I chortle? Am I filled with the embarrassing urge to show this video to my sister and derive glee from her laughing at the exact same moment I laughed? Entertainment is key.

Education. Did I come out of this video knowing something I originally did not know? More importantly, was I engaged in the learning process? I come from a family of teachers, so I have high standards when it comes to education. If I am to learn, I must learn well.

Exaltation. This is a bit of an oddball criteria, but it is important to me. The word “exalted” is defined as “elevated in rank, character, or status.” This criteria refers to how good it is at exalting, elevating, pulling me out of a depressive episode. That is to say I’ve been in a depressive episode for the past month and whether or not the video made me stop crying and brush my teeth is essential. Polygon video content has been integral to my serotonin production lately, and thus the video’s ability of acting as an audiovisual antidepressant for me factors into the rankings.

[BONUS POINTS] Hotness. How Hot Is Pat Gill In It? I felt bad, morally, ranking videos based on how good looking I thought Pat Gill was in it---because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that, and people don’t exist to be beautiful, they just are, and I agree---so I’m relegating this criteria as a bonus point. Standard is 0, because he’s always hot in my mind, but he gets plus points if he is exemplary in the hotness department.

The maximum score for each of these criteria is 5 points, making the perfect score a 15, but because of the bonus points, a 20 is, hypothetically, possible.

With that out of the way, let me dive right into it.

5. The fastest interview ever with Ben Schwartz from Sonic the Hedgehog

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Entertainment: 5 Education: 2 Exaltation: 2 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 11

Pat Gill is a good interviewer, he’s engaging and fun and keeps the interview interesting, but this interview is particularly special because it seems that, and let me quote Youtube user AudreyN who left a comment on this video stating “ben schwartz consumed all seven chaos emeralds prior to this interview.” Pat Gill and Ben Schwartz’s dynamic is amazing, and by “dynamic” I do mean “Ben Schwartz absolutely just fucking dunking on Pat Gill for 14 entire minutes.” and it is glorious.

For Entertainment this scores a solid 5. Quite honestly the funniest interview I’ve ever watched in my entire life. Just the sheer beauty in the exchange [Pat] “You would use Sonic’s power to gaslight me?” [Ben] “Just you.” In terms of Education, I guess I did learn a bunch of things about the Sonic movie that I didn’t know before, but the avenue by which it was portrayed in was not exactly the most engaging, more like I was absorbing it via watching two experts discuss on a webinar. I would have given just 1 point to Education but I made it 2 because of the wonderful knowledge that Pat Gill can draw a pretty good Sonic in a few seconds. When it comes to Exaltation, I must admit that while this video got quite a few laughs out of me, it didn’t make me want to get out of bed and take a shower.

BONUS: Pat is +2 hot in it. His short hair makes him look very handsome. He’s a spiffy boy, in this video. Very, very good.

4. Pat Will Not Tweet at Nintendo This Week Because He is Resting at Home — PLEASE RETWEET, Episode 12

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Entertainment: 5 Education: 0 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +1 Total Score: 11

I know I’m breaking a rule I set for myself a few paragraphs earlier by including an episode of Please Retweet, which counts as a video series, but this is my post and I can do whatever I want. More importantly, this video is so fucking funny to me, it feels like it would be a crime not to put it in this list.

Solid 5 out of 5 for entertainment. Pat Gill, alone in his apartment, drinking six cans of what I think is beer silently while the intro music plays. That scene in itself should win an Oscar. Sadly, a solid 0 for Education, because I learn nothing in this video except for the fact that Pat Gill is the type of person to put out a coaster and then just completely not use it. I quantify things as educational if I can maybe answer a trivia question with them, and unfortunately, this fact does not pass that test. In terms of Exaltation, seeing Pat Gill lie down on the floor next to his cat made me get out of bed to do the same with my dog, and with myself thusly out of my bed cocoon of sadness, I was able to actually complete tasks on the day I watched this video. Perfect 5.

BONUS: Pat is +1 hot in this because there’s something very beautiful about him being a little bit miserable. However, I do miss his beard when I watch this video. It is one of my favorite things about him, and it is not present here.

3. Pat and Simone Play Human: Fall Flat

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Entertainment: 5 Education: 1 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: 0 Total Score: 11

I very much enjoy Polygon’s gameplay streams. I often play them in the background while I’m doing other stuff like doodling or origami, but this stream is special. It is special because of the moment at 24:00 when Pat Gill, in game, swings a stereo into a glass window, shattering it, while saying, “Actually, y’know what? Let’s talk about trauma.” and then proceeds to tell a horrible and embarrassing story from his childhood where he had to do a rap about Ancient Egypt.

5 points for Entertainment. This is partly because of Pat’s tragic childhood story about the Egypt Rap (and, segue just to point out 33:22 the incredible moment where you can hear Pat’s feral panic when Simone finds the lyrics to the Egypt Rap) but also because Pat and Simone just talking to each other is so deeply entertaining to me in a very comfy way. I’m starved for human interaction, in this quarantime, okay. Let me enjoy listening to other people have conversations while playing video games. Education scores a 1 because, again, nothing in this video will let me answer a trivia question, however it does get 1 point and not a 0 because the Egypt Rap’s lyrics are in the comments and I did end up learning stuff about Ancient Egypt that I didn’t know. A perfect 5 for Exaltation because this video showed me that talking about trauma can actually be cathartic, given that you’re trashing a video game living room at the same time, and I think that message of not bottling up your experiences really helped me, in these trying times.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for the entirety of this episode, so he scores the standard 0. I’m sure he was hot. We just couldn’t see him.

2. Why Bloodborne and Muppets are the same thing

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Entertainment: 4 Education: 4 Exaltation: 3 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 12

Ah yes, one of Pat’s “x is y because of z” videos. He’s made a number of these and they’re all very good but this one is my favorite among them and earns a spot on this list because 1) I think puppets are cool and 2) I fucking love monsters.

This video scores a 4 on Entertainment, just shy of perfect, because as funny as it is, it also gives me the vibe like I am being lectured by a professor who’s just a little bit off the shits. And we all know that lectures are supposed to be taken seriously. Which brings us to Education, which also scores a 4. I learned a lot in this video! Watching Pat Gill explain to me that children’s puppets and these horrifying viddy game monsters use the same character principles in different ways is not only very educational but is also explained in a streamline and easy to understand manner that I WISH some of the shitty professors at my old university could emulate. As for Exaltation, while this video did give me enough energy to have a meal, I did eventually end up back in bed for the night at 8pm crying myself to sleep, thinking “I’m like the slime scholar. Used to be a scholar. Now they’re slime.”

BONUS: Pat Gill is +2 hot here. He’s rockin that basic ass monochromatic aesthetic and I love his look dearly.

1. Preparing for Big Boy Season in Red Dead Redemption 2

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Entertainment: 5 Education: 3 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +3 Total Score: 16

Here we are. My favorite non video series Pat Gill video. The video where Pat Gill tries to make Red Dead Redemption 2 protagonist, Arthur Morgan, large.

Perfect fucking 5 for Entertainment, which I’m sure many may find odd. Afterall, this video is told in a serious investigative tone reminiscent of Vox’s videos on current issues. But that’s the glory of it. The complete and utter ‘playing it straight and serious’ for a ridiculous issue in a video game. It is high tier comedy in a subtle, understated way that sings to my comedy loving heart in a melody so lovely, so wonderful, that it urged me to give this video 5 points for Entertainment. It scores 3 on Education, because I have never played Red Dead Redemption 2, nor will I ever, but now I know things about it. The information was also relayed to me in a very interesting style, via something like a crime procedural, and thus it was engaging for me to absorb all this new knowledge. Exaltation scores a perfect 5 because of this video’s beautiful end about existential smallness. No joke, but hearing Pat Gill say “Our bigness isn’t measured in pounds, but in the impact we have on the people with whom we shared the world.” deadass made me want to talk to my friends again after conversationally isolating myself for 3 days. Preparing for Big Boy Season has a special place in my heart. And there it will stay.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for most of the video but he does appear for like 15 seconds in the middle of it, and guess what. He’s hot. +3 hotness. Good beardage, good hair, all in all, good Pat Gill.

So there you have it. My five favorite Pat Gill videos. If you read this whole thing, holy shit. You’re welcome, I guess.

#this is what im using my degree in creative writing for i guess #polygon #pat gill #pat gill thirst jail #patrick gill #nobody asked but

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clumsyclifford · 4 years ago

Note

hi i have some continued thoughts about the gif set i made earlier but i’m just thinking about like baby boys writing nothing personal and jack just like feeling really down on himself one day bc he doesn’t know what he’s contributing and alex tells him he named this song for him bc he is so important i don’t know there are so many THOUGHTS TO BE HAD why are they like this

hi paige i don’t know if this was supposed to be a prompt but i took it as one because i’m me hope that’s okay <3 (also here is the gifset in question, warning for max damage)

read it here on ao3

“Hey, where’d Jack go?”

Flyzik looks up from his laptop and glances around the control room. “I dunno,” he says. “I thought he was here.”

“I leave for two minutes,” Alex says, sighing exasperatedly. “We need to put a bell on that kid.”

“Believe me, if I could, I would,” says Flyzik, returning to the all-important task of probably talking shit on Twitter or whatever he does when he’s taking up studio space.

Squire, whose playing had been arrested upon Alex’s re-entry, starts the guitar line from the top. The unfinished track fills the small room. Alex considers handcuffing him just so he’ll stop playing that one fucking guitar part.

At this rate, he’ll be sick of the song before it’s even released.

“I’m going to find Jack,” he announces, not that anyone cares. In a halfway attempt at defiance, or being annoying, or whatever, he snatches Flyzik’s coffee mug off the table.

“Hey,” Flyzik says half-heartedly without looking up. “Give that back.”

“You’re fired,” Alex informs him.

“Joke’s on you, I quit this morning,” says Flyzik.

Alex rolls his eyes and leaves the control room.

There’s really only one place Jack is likely to be (okay, two places, but Alex has just come from the bathroom and he’d been the only one in there). Alex heads for the lounge. The TV is on, playing a commercial for mattresses. Occupying the entire length of the couch:

“Jack,” Alex says. “Where’d you go, man, I thought we were working on the song.”

Jack makes no indication that he's heard Alex at all.

“Dude,” Alex says, coming into the room and facing Jack. The way Jack is slumped into the cushions, it looks like he’s been lying here all day, not for two minutes. “Were you just waiting for me to go to the bathroom so you could bail?”

Jack shoots him a glare, but again says nothing. Alex frowns.

“Are you good?” he asks, sinking to the floor with his legs crossed. He sets Flyzik’s coffee on the table at his side. “Is something wrong?”

Jack groans. “Can you leave me alone?”

“Hey,” Alex says, hurt. “What —” He breaks off. Obviously Jack doesn’t want company — or at least not Alex’s company, which stings — and if Alex doesn’t want to be a dick, he should leave.

Except Jack is already kind of being a dick. So.

“Dude,” Alex says again. Jack keeps his eyes on the TV over Alex’s head. “Can you at least look at me?”

“I’m just taking a break, what’s the big deal?” Jack mutters.

“The big deal is you were fine five minutes ago when we were tracking the guitar,” Alex says irritably. “I leave for two seconds and when I come back you’re gone? ‘Taking a break’?”

“Yes, Alex, I came to jerk off in peace,” Jack snaps. “So can you piss off?”

Alex huffs. “Stop being an asshole when I’m just trying to understand what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong, dude!” Jack finally looks at him, though it’s clear he would rather not be. “You don’t need me to finish the song, okay? You have Squire to do the guitar, and if he can’t do it then you will, so I’m just gonna sit this one out, alright?”

Alex stares at him. “The fuck do you mean, we don’t need you to finish the song? You need to learn it. And Squire’s just doing the demo track anyway. Meaning technically he doesn’t need me for it, either.”

“Alex, you wrote the fucking song.” Jack crosses his arms. “It wouldn’t exist without you. Unlike me.”

“You…would exist without me?”

Jack glares at him, again. “No, the song would still exist without me. And it would have a guitar part, without me. I know my role in the band, Alex, I’m not getting any ideas, okay? I’m the one who makes inappropriate jokes on Twitter and collects bras during shows. I don’t contribute in the studio.”

The gears in Alex’s brain grind loudly to a halt. “You don’t — what? What?”

Jack draws his knees up to his chest and looks back up at the TV. “Am I wrong?”

“Uh, yes?!” Alex says emphatically. “Extremely wrong, what the fuck? Since when is this a thing? You really feel this way?”

“Oh my God, it’s not a big deal,” Jack grumbles.

“It’s a big deal to me,” Alex retorts. “You think you don’t contribute when we’re in the studio? You’re, like, the reason most of these songs get made. If you weren’t here we’d still be on our first record.”

“You don’t need to therapy me,” Jack says dully. “I’m fine with it.”

Which is obviously not true. Jack’s shuttered expression and bitchy attitude don’t exactly communicate ‘fine.’

“I’m not trying to ‘therapy’ you,” Alex says, making air quotes. “Whatever the fuck that means. I’m trying to tell you something you should already know.”

Jack sighs wearily. Somehow he seems to sink deeper into the couch, like whatever’s weighing him down is only getting heavier. “Alex, it’s fine.”

“Stop saying it’s fine,” Alex says sharply. “It’s not fine. Did someone say something when I left? Is that why the mood whiplash?” There’s no way. Squire would never, and Flyzik hadn’t even been on the same planet. Not that Flyzik ever would, either, but then again, they make a lot of fucking jokes around here. Sometimes the kind of joke that hits a little too close to home. Call it an occupational hazard of living and working with a bunch of guys in their early twenties; none of them really know when to stop.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

Jack’s gaze flits between Alex and the TV, which has really been playing commercials for far too long. He seems to realize he’s not going to escape this conversation, and with an almighty sigh grabs the remote and hits mute.

“No one said anything, okay?” There’s a pause. Alex waits patiently while Jack gathers his thoughts. “It was just that, like, you were there, and we were joking around, and then you left, and like…Squire kept playing the part, Flyzik was still on fucking MySpace or whatever, and, like, I don’t know. It just felt like if I left it wouldn’t matter, so I did.” He barks a humorless laugh. “And I was right. It didn’t matter.”

“It mattered to me,” Alex says. “I came back and you had abandoned me with Squire and Flyzik. You think I want to be stuck with them?”

One corner of Jack’s mouth pulls up, barely, then drops down again. “I’m fine,” he says a third time. “You can go back and finish tracking the lead. Just call me when you need me for something.”

Alex considers this. “You know, I could use a break, while I’m here.” He takes a sip of Flyzik’s coffee, which is absolutely disgusting and also room temperature at this point. Jack frowns at him.

“You’re in the middle of demo-ing a song,” he says flatly. “‘Best Friend Knows,’ right?”

“Well, as you so eloquently pointed out, Squire can track the guitar,” Alex says. “And in fact is tracking the guitar. And has been for half an hour. He doesn’t need me for it, either.”

“But that’s not the fucking same and you know it. You wrote the song.”

“Yeah, so what? It’s not that great of a song. Anyone could have written it. I bet Andrew has fifty better songs in his back pocket.”

“But Andrew isn’t in the band,” Jack says. “The whole point is they’re your lyrics that you write for your band.”

“And you play the guitar,” Alex counters, raising his eyebrows at Jack. “Yeah, there are a billion songwriters and guitarists in the world. Anyone can play guitar, but there’s only one All Time Low guitarist, and it’s you. You’re our guy, Jack. You brought the band together, you keep it together, and you keep us moving forward. So what if you’re not writing lyrics? There’s way more to being in a band than writing the fucking lyrics. I promise you, man, without you we’d still be playing the fucking Dulaney Talent Show. We’d be fucking nowhere. We definitely wouldn’t be in L.A. recording our second full-length studio album.”

Silence falls as Alex’s words hang in the air. They’re both quiet for a moment. The Red Bull fridge buzzes in the background, and even more faintly comes the sound of Squire relentlessly playing the same lead part for what has to be the millionth time.

“If you say so,” Jack finally says, although he doesn’t really seem to believe it.

“I do,” Alex says firmly. Jack is the heart of the band more than anyone else, the beating pulse that keeps them alive no matter what shit gets thrown their way. When they were traveling from venue to venue in a shitty van, Jack was the one who kept spirits high. In their earliest days, Jack had held them together like glue, as if he could tell that something really special would happen as long as he didn’t let them go.

And he’d been right. There’s no All Time Low without Jack. That’s always been obvious to Alex.

“I think it’s an awesome song,” Jack quietly adds, as an afterthought. “No one else could’ve written it, so take that shit back.”

“Mediocre at best,” Alex says. “But there’s still time to make it better.”

“I like it,” Jack insists. “It’s cool. You’re a good songwriter.”

Alex waves a hand. “All the good lines are from Squire.”

“Well, I don’t know any of the words,” Jack says, a hint of his usual dry humor making a comeback. “But I bet that’s not true. All the best lines always come from you.”

“They’re meh. There’s not even a good line for a title. ‘What Your Best Friend Knows’ is just the most repeated line, but like, I don’t know. It’s boring.”

“So just call it something else,” Jack says. “The title doesn’t have to come from the song. You might have heard of a little album called From Under The Cork Tree? It’s by this super underground band, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them.”

Alex laughs a little. “Yeah, okay. I guess.”

Another pause fills the room. Finally Jack says, “If you want to hang out, you can, but stop trying to therapy me.”

“I’m not trying to therapy you! It’s called being your friend, you dumbass.”

“Well, cut it out,” Jack deadpans. There’s the Jack Alex knows.

Alex smiles at him, even though he knows it makes him look very sincere, more sincere than Jack probably wants from him. “You made your band bed,” he says. “Now you have to lie in it.” He half-stands and clambers onto the couch, and Jack stretches his legs over Alex’s lap. “What are we watching?”

“I don’t know,” Jack says, reaching for the remote. “It’s been commercials since I got here.”

“Jesus Christ, don’t these people have anything better to do than advertise all day every day?” Jack unmutes the TV. An episode of a show neither of them know is playing. Alex rolls his eyes. “Which channel is playing Lost reruns, do you think?”

“Only one way to find out,” Jack says, raising the remote like a wand. “Hope you brought a board ‘cause it’s time for some channel surfing.”

“Oh my God, you’re so lame.”

Jack snickers. “Maybe there’ll be a line you can use for the song title. Like a ‘Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner’-type thing.”

“In Lost?” Alex says skeptically.

“Maybe, you don’t know.”

Alex highly doubts Lost will have any cool one-liners that could double as song titles, but it’s not a bad idea, pulling an iconic movie quote the way Fall Out Boy did on Cork Tree. The gimmick isn’t really the All Time Low style, but there’s a first time for everything.

Besides, Alex thinks, glancing over at Jack, whose attention is trained on the TV, I think I know the perfect movie.

—

“What?”

They’re back in the studio the following day. After yesterday’s minor emotional hurdle, Jack seems to be doing much better. Right now his eyes are wide in surprise as he stares at Alex.

“‘Keep The Change’ —”

“I know the quote,” Jack interrupts, a smile stretching over his face. “That’s the name? Of the song?”

Alex grins. “Has a cool ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? This is the best day of my life,” Jack enthuses, beaming.

Alex shrugs. “Well, someone gave me the great idea to use a movie quote for a title. This felt fair.”

“Alex, I literally love you so much, you don’t even know,” Jack says. “Just for this, I’m giving you my firstborn.”

“If you ever have children, God save us all,” Flyzik says dryly from the far side of the room. He’s not wrong, but Jack doesn’t even act offended, still caught up in the excitement of the song title.

“Hey,” Alex says in a low voice, kicking lightly at Jack’s leg. “For the record, I’d never in a million years have thought to use a movie quote title.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Jack says.

Alex gives him a meaningful look. “That’s my point, man. Next time you think you’re not contributing, just remember this, alright?”

The shadow of realization passes over Jack’s face, and he shakes his head incredulously. “You are such a piece of shit,” he says, although he doesn’t seem upset. “This was just to make a point?”

“I didn’t do it to make a point,” Alex says. “I did it because it was a good idea. But it does make a point, because you thought you weren’t contributing in the studio, and this is proof that you are.”

Jack sighs. “Point taken.” A little bit of humility colors his expression. “Thanks.”

Alex gives him a cheeky smile. “You are welcome,” he says airily, and throws an arm over Jack’s shoulders. “And now I think we both have some guitar parts to learn, am I right?”

“Yup,” says Squire, as if he’d just been waiting for his cue. “Jack, you wanna track this?”

Jack glances over at Alex, who grins. “Yeah,” he says, stepping forward and taking the guitar out of Squire’s hands. “I’d love to.”

#jack barakat #alex gaskarth #jalex #jalex fic #all time low #atl fic #fic #my fic #yeah this is a little emo and? what about it?#i feel like this is pretty conceptually emo there wasn't much i could do #mukeaf #ask #answered #sam said post this one so i'm posting this one

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terrm9 · 4 years ago

Text

CHAPTER 9 - Light

Words count: 5 000 + Warnings: cursing, hints of sex Author’s note: 1) I am sorry for The Queen references, it was not planned at all but I got carried away 2) Chiara has Ethan saved as “Jonah” in her phone, because she always forgets her phone at nurse’s station and E.R. and Donahue’s, everywhere, and so to decrease the chance of exposing them, it’s Jonah 3) I didn’t check the mistakes yet, so I am sorry for them. ENJOY!

------------- LIGHT ------------

For the first time ever, their lips met in a kiss that didn’t taste like regrets, doubts and sorrow.

For the first time ever they kissed with hope and promises and happiness.

Their lips met in a newfound feeling of odd security, something that has never happened before, as the threat of regrets always hung over their heads. The kiss started out as almost shy, Ethan’s lips brushing Chiara’s ever so softly, afraid of ruining the sacred moment if he allowed his yearning to take a full lead. But soon it was Chiara who opened her mouth slightly, inviting him to make sure that she still tasted like the Chiara he kissed at Mass Kenmore all those months ago.

The concept of time long forgotten by the couple of doctors as they discovered their new normal, kissing until the air around them changed, until the heat their bodies produced was enough for them to finally break the connection. With their cheeks flushed, hair dishelved, the buttons of Ethan’s shirt undone, they looked at each other intensively while catching their breaths.

„I think we should stop here,“ Ethan broke the silence at last.

„Are you already stepping back?“ Chiara asked with a teasing smile, which was supposed to hide her tremendou fear that Ethan actually was stepping back.

He chuckled at the question and took her hands into his, slowly running his thumb along her knuckles.

„I screwed up a lot in the past. I simply want to make things right this time. And taking you here at my couch when two hours ago I didn’t believe you would ever want to forgive me again, that doesn’t feel right. We still have a conversation to make. And I would like to at least make you a dinner before we take the… next step.“

„Good old fashioned lover boy, huh?“ she couldn’t help but tease him again.

„Are you seriously quoting Queen on me now? You know I am Under Pressure.“

„You know Queen lyrics?“ she laughed and decided to continue the little game. „That is, indeed, Miracle.“

„You underestimate me, Rookie. The show must go on.“

„Oh, Ramsey, you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into with this little Queen references competition. My dad loved Freddie Mercury. I know every single lyrics. Don’t stop me now.“

„I am afraid I have to. We seriously need to talk. But you are still my Killer Queen,“ he smiled as he kissed her forehead.

He leaned back into to couch, pulling Chiara towards him, until her head rested on his lap and he could play with her hair. Her hands rested in her own lap, fingers nervously fidgeting at the thought of another serious talk. No matter how hard she tried to trust him completely, the little part of her was simply too afraid to do so. Tha little part expected to hear that it was a mistake and they needed to be professional again.

Ethan observed Chiara’s furrowed brows and her slightly shaking hands and how she kept biting her lower lips and he hated himself, knowing that she was this nervous because of him. Because he hurt her and left her and pushed her away so many times, that she couldn’t trust him fully anymore. He hated every part of his own self and he knew he deserved the hate.

„As I said previously, I want to make things right this time, Chiara. Which means that we need to talk even about uncomfortable things and that I want to stand by your side every step of the way and that I never want to hurt you again. Never in my life have I felt this way, not with Marial, not with Harper, never. And honestly, Chiara, it terrifies me. These feelings, I am so scared. I have always believed that I know who I am, that nothing can surprise me anymore and then you walked into Edenbrook and… well, I was fucked. I found out that I couldn’t recall who I was anymore, because I was changing and as a man who hates change, I fought it all I could. Until I could. And I can’t anymore, I can’t fight against you, but this new reality, it still scares me.“

His voice was trembling now, thick with emotion. He wanted to say so much more, he wanted to tell her how sorry he was that she had to deal with this broken piece of man, that he knew he would hurt her again despite his best efforts to not to. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her. So desperately did he wish he could just express how he felt, but all the words got stuck in his throat and so he just stared at the black screen of television in front of him and hated himself even more.

Chiara wasn’t staring at the ceiling anymore, rather watching Ethan’s expressions as he finished his speech. She reached his left cheek with her hand and caressed him softly.

„I am here, Ethan. No matter how scary it gets, I am here, okay? You don’t need to tell me everything now. Or ever, for that matter. I know.“

Finally he looked down at her and the intensity of compassion in her stare made him want to cry.

How did I ever deserve a woman like you?

He cupped her hand on his cheek and leaned into her touch, closing his eyes to compose himself.

Clearing his throat to make sure he wouldn’t actually start crying, he decided to start the uncomfortable conversation.

„I want to be with you, Chiara. With my whole being, I wish to be with you. But your career is only starting and you are more than just brilliant doctor. You are destined to be the best one of your generation.“

He felt Chiara tense in his lap as she opened her mouth to fight him.

„Just let me say this, okay?“ he stopped her before she could say anything. „Being with you is not illegal. It’s not even fobidden and we both know that Naveen would never disapprove of our relationship. It’s unprofessional and probably unethical, but that doesn’t matter. If we decided to go public, it wouldn’t cost you – or me – the job at Edenbrook. And as someone who has worked there for eleven years now, it would hardly affect me anyhow. But you, Chiara, your reputation…“ Ethan ran his free hand through his hair before continuing. „At the moment, everyone at the hospital knows that you are amazing doctor. Fellow residents, nurses, even attendings, they respect you, because you earned it. But if they find out about us, no matter how hard you worked to earn that respect, it will be forgotten. You will be the resident that’s dating Dr. Ramsey and therefore gets the special treatment. And nobody would give a damn about the fact that I am harder on you than on anyone else. Nobody would care, because rumours are rumours and all the respect that you earned, it would be gone. I don’t care what they have to say about me, but you are young and promising and I can’t let my need to be with you officially stand in the way of your progress. Obviously, I am not letting you go either and so one of the options is for us to be in a secret relationship until your residency is over.“

Chiara raised her eyebrow at him and asked: „One of the options? I don’t think there are any other options.“

„Of course there are. I get that keeping this a secret will be hard, that it wouldn’t be the relationship you deserve. So if you are not willing to do that, which I absolutely understand, I will transfer into another hospital.“

„What?“ Chiara all but shouted and abruptly sat up, looking at him with wide eyes. „You would never do that. Edenbrook is the best hospital in Boston. It’s your life. You belong to Edenbrook.“

„I like to think that I belong to you, Chiara,“ he smiled. „Yes, Edenbrook has been my life for the past eleven years, but it’s caring about the patients that brings me joy, not the hospital itself. And there are patients in other hospitals in Boston. Nothing in Edenbrook makes me feel as happy as you do, Dr. Ray. Just say a word and I’ll be gone.“

Since when are you such a softie, Ramsey?

„That would be so stupid, Ethan. It’s just a year and half until my residency is over. I think we are both capable of keeping things secret for that long. Iť’s not like we would make out in the waiting room anyway.“

Ethan let out a whole-hearted laugh, tension leaving his shoulders. He was serious when he said that he would leave Edenbrook because of her, but knowing that she didn’t want him to, that she respected his career as much as he respected hers, brought him soothing sense of relief.

„There is one thing, though,“ Chiara said. „I am okay with keeping things secret with most people, but if it’s alright with you, I feel the need to tell my friends. My roommates and Bryce. They are the people I trust with my life and I know that they would never spread the rumours. It would be much easier for me if they just knew, if I didn’t have to make up excuses about where do I spend my evening or a weekend. But only if it doesn’t bother you.“

Ethan shrugged, not surprised by her suggestion. Her friends were her supporting net and ever since the accident, he could see just how much they meant to each other. And for that, he was happy.

„I honestly believe that they already have their ideas about us. If you trust them, then it’s okay by me.“

Chiara smiled at him and raised from his lap, so that she could kiss him. With one hand on the back of his neck she straddled him, her free hand drawing teasing circles on his bare chest. His grip on her hips got stronger and his resolution to make it right this time was slowly decreasing with every swirl of her tongue in his mouth.

„Do you want to stay a night?“ he whispered when he pulled back, his voice raspy.

Chiara laughed softly and shook her head, wanting to ask him if he would cook the dinner now, so that they could finish what has been started.

„Sienna would go crazy with fear if I didn’t come home tonight and I don’t want to tell her I am staying with you through the phone. They all have a day off tomorrow, I’ll tell them at brunch we have planned.“

„Yes. Sure. That’s… reasonable. I am working tomorrow, but I have a free Sunday, so what do you say about me picking you up tomorrow evening, making you a dinner and you staying here for the night and then on Sunday?“

„That definitely sounds like a plan,“ she grinned and crashed his lips with hers once again.

The brunch was reaching its end, all the spinach quiche has been eaten, mini chocolate tarts made by Sienna in the hands of young doctors and Chiara still couldn’t find her courage to tell them. By the look Sienna gave her last night when she got home, Chiara knew that she was waiting for some kind of explanation and as much as she trusted them to be supportive and happy for her, she felt extremely nervous to drop this bomb.

„Guys, I.. uhm, well.. I kinda have to tell you something. I’ve got some news.“

„Are you moving out?“ Jackie raised her eyebrow.

„Don’t tell us you are transferring to Mass Kenmore too,“ Elijah added.

Chiara laughed and looked at Sienna, who – with a smug smile on her face – nodded softly, sign of encouraging her to simply say it.

„No, I am not moving out and I am not transferring. It’s about Dr. Ramsey.“

„What about him? Is he transferring?“ Elijah gasped again, eyes wide with shock.

„You really haven’t gotten past my transferring E, have you?“ Aurora chuckled.

„He is not,“ Chiara took a deep breath. „Last night he gave me a ride home from the party and we had a chance to talk about… lot of things and we decided to give it a shot. To give a relationship a shot, I mean. We have had feelings for each other for some time now and he never wanted us to be more than collegues but now he kinda changed his mind? However, it needs to be a secret until I am an attending, but I needed to tell you because I can’t keep secrets from you and I love you and I just want you to know that I am dating Ethan Ramsey.“

She expected them to be shocked. Maybe to tease her. She expected the long stunned silence she knows from movies. Despite her hope, she even expected them to be angry or to despise her. What she didn’t expect was their soft laughter and Jackie’s question: „Okay, and now the news? I thought you wanted to share some news with us.“

„That is the news!“ Chiara exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.

„Oh,“ she breathed out and then added. „I think I am saying this for all of us Chiara – coming clear with your feelings and making things official between the two of you, that’s great. Really, good for you. We are happy. But saying that it’s news? Pleaaaase, we all have known for some time now that you two had something going on.“

„She is right,“ Aurora nodded, grinning.

Chiara sat there with her mouth open, looking from one face to another and really, they all simply smiled knowingly, without a sign of surprise or anger.

„We are really, really happy for you, Chiara. You deserve to be happy and so does Dr. Ramsey, I guess,“ Sienna smiled and hugged Chiara tightly.

„But if he ever hurts you, I am going to kick his balls,“ Jackie couldn’t help but add, joining the hug. Soon, they were all hugging and suddenly, it wasn’t about Chiara and Ethan at all, it was about the friends that support each other through thick and thin, it was about the love they shared.

Chiara couldn’t suppress the smile that spread across her face as she read that one text over and over again.

She would swear that Ethan didn’t really have to get back to work and only wrote that so that he wouldn’t have to carry on with the conversation. She could just imagine how hard it must have been for him to write those words to her and was pretty sure that his cheeks blushed the bright pink colours she adored so much.

As he promised, Ethan parked his car outside Chiara’s apartment at six and since all her roommates have already known about them, he decided to pick her up instead of just calling her to come out.

No matter how many times he told himself that it wasn’t such a big deal, that she spent the night at his place already, he still felt incredibly nervous. What if she didn’t like the dinner he would cook? What if she realized that she actually didn’t want to spend her night and Sunday with him? What if she started to feel the same hatred he felt for himself, because he wasn’t capable of telling her how he really felt while looking into her eyes?

Shaking his head abruptly to get the thoughts out of it, he knocked on the door, hoping that it would be Chiara who opened them.

It was Sienna.

„Dr. Trinh,“ he nodded towards her and seeing her expression, he corrected himself. „Sienna. Good evening.“

„Nice to see you, Dr. Ramsey!“ she smiled. „Come in, I’ll go tell Chiara you are here.“

He stepped into the apartment, watching her back as she walked towards Chiara’s room. Before she could step in, she turned at him once again and added: „I am really happy for you two, Dr. Ramsey.“

„Ethan is just fine, Sienna,“ he said, right corner of his lip lifting softly. „And thank you.“

Soon, Chiara stepped out of her room and smiled oh so brightly when she noticed him standing in the hall. Before she approached him, she hugged Sienna quickly and whispered something into her ear, at which Sienna grinned mischievously.

„Shall we?“ he asked as he pressed his lips against her temple. Chiara simply nodded and followed him into his car, suppressing the need to pinch herself to make sure that any of this was real.

After they finished the dinner – Georgian stuffed chicken, which he promised her all those months ago – they found themselves tangled on his couch, glasses of fine wine in their hands. Chiara insisted on talking about work and Ethan insisted on talking about anything but work.

Before they could argue about why they should or shouldn’t talk about work, they weren’t talking about anything anymore, using their lips for much more pleasing activities.

Covering her petite form with his body, Ethan broke the kiss only to continue pressing his lips on her jawline, on the spot behing her left ear that he knew would make her moan and then sucking on her neck gently. His hands roamed her torso under the sweater she was wearing and just as he was about to tuck the sweater up, Chiara opened her eyes and pushed his hands away.

„Don’t,“ she whispered, shame written all over her face.

Ethan’s brows furrowed at the sudden change in the mood, but of course he immediately stopped in his tracks.

„Sure. Yes, I am really sorry, Chiara. I didn’t intend to be inappropriate. I am really sorry.“

„It’s not that, Ethan,“ she breathed out, her voice so small he almost missed what she was saying. „It’s not about me not wanting… you. Just… well, the accident and then the surgery left me terribly scarred. There are hideous scars all over my stomach and some on my chest too and I don’t want you to see how ugly it all is.“

His chest tightened at her words and he caressed her cheekbone so softly she felt like she was making the touch up.

„Oh, Chiara,“ he whispered. „Don’t ever say something like that ever again, okay? Nothing on your body is hideous. Could I see them, please?“

She nodded and closed her eyes as he rolled her sweater up to her breasts, not wanting to see his expression when he’d see how destroyed her body was.

Keeping her eyes shut, she couldn’t tell if he even looked at her at all, but the fact that for a moment there was no movement around her and no sound that would break the heavy silence of the room was enough for her to think of the worst.

He is disgusted by how I look.

The light warmth of his fingers on her stomach made her open her eyes.

Ethan’s gaze, fixed on her abdomen, was so intense and so adoring it brought tears into her eyes. He traced every single one of her scars with his thumb so softly, so gently it almost tickled. After observing her, he lowered his head and put a feather-like kiss on the first scar while whispering „you are beautiful“. Then the second one („and you are beautiful“) and the third one right over her left breast („and you are beautiful“).

„And you are the most beautiful,“ he whispered as he raised his eyes to look into Chiara’s green ones. She had to close them again, overwhelmed by the gentlesness in his voice and his actions.

Returning to kissing her fiercely, Ethan ran his hand up and down her thigh while sucking and biting the soft flesh above her hip.

„That’s going to leave a mark,“ Chiara all but moaned.

„Nobody will see it here,“ Ethan murmured, not concerned about her words at all. „Or will they?“ he added quickly, looking back at her, his eyes dark with lust and also… was it possiblity of jealousy?

Shaking her head, Chiara got rid of her sweater and started to work on the buttons of Ethan’s shirt, not patient enough to be teased without feeling his skin on hers.

Taking a clue, Ethan ceased the movements of his mouth on her hips only to take her into his arms and bring her into his bedroom, so that they could finish what they started in the comfort of his king-sized bed.

Monday morning came all too quickly for their liking and as excited as Chiara was to get back to work, the comfort and security of Ethan’s apartment were enough for her to complain when she had to leave it.

Ethan and Chiara drove to the hospital together, however once they’ve gotten to the parking lot, Chiara decided to leave the car first while Ethan waited some time longer, so that they wouldn’t raise a suspicion. Once seated in the diagnostics office, Chiara sent a quick message to Ethan that it was safe for him to come to work now.

The door opened after a while and in came both male doctors of the team, Ethan’s expression neutral, while Baz Mirani almost jumped of joy when he noticed Chiara behind the round table.

„Oh, my favourite doctor is back! I am so happy you are here now, Chiara, working with those two grumpies without you was a torture!“

„Excuse me?“ Ethan raised his eyebrow at the remark.

„I am happy to be back too, Baz,“ Chiara laughed, ignoring Ethan’s (pretended) offended expression and stood up to hug Baz tightly.

„You still have a cane?“

„Yup. hopefully not forever, though. It’s more an accessory now,“ she grinned.

„Cool!“ Baz exclaimed. „We should call you Dr. House while you have it! Right, Ethan?“

Ethan’s confussion – unlike his offended face – wasn’t an act when he innocently asked: „And why would we do that?“

Chiara and Baz exchanged an amused look at Ethan’s hopeless unfamiliarity with mainstream hospital dramas, while he watched them both with his brows furrowed, knowing too well that they would tease him for it for days.

˜ Weeks turned into months and by March, Chiara felt as if the accident happened years ago. She didn’t need the cane anymore – which made Baz both happy (for her) and sad (because the Dr. House jokes had to stop) – and with the amount of nights she’s been spending with Ethan, even her nightmares have seemed to disappear.

„Dr. Ray,“ Ethan acknowleged her presence as he reached the nurse’s station. „I was about to page you. We have a patient to see.“

Without saying a word, Chiara followed him to the room, listening to the information he was sharing with her: „Ellie Barnes, five years old. Losing weight, severe headaches, stomach cramps. Her mother brought her here this morning with fever.“

With the list of possible diagnoses in her head, Chiara walked into the room, ready to talk to the little girl. However, before she could open her mouth, Ethan approached the bed Ellie was laying in and smiled down at her.

The little gril with wide smile and curly blonde hair, dressed in pink pajamas with Rapunzel on top of the shirt, was hugging her princess doll tightly, while her mother kept stroking her hair gently.

„Hello, Ellie. I am Dr. Ethan and this is Dr. Chiara. We will take care of you while you are here.“

„Are you my prince?“ Ellie asked immediately.

Ethan laughed softly at the proposition, but shook his head.

„I am afraid I might be too old to be your prince, but I could be your knight. What do you say about that? I will be the night that will fight all the bad things that are making you feel sick now.“

„Okay,“ Ellie shrugged. „Knight sounds good.“

„In that case, Princess Ellie, we will need to draw some blood so that we can discover the villain in your body and fight it.“

„Will you hold my hand, Dr. Knight Ethan?“

Kneeling next to her bed, Ethan took her small hand into his huge one and smiled even wider at the princess girl.

„Of course I will. And Dr. Chiara here, she could be the fairy in our story, hm? Well, she will draw the blood and talk to your mom, okay?“

Ellie nodded, hugging her doll even tighter with one hand, while Ethan rubbed the other with his thumb.

„You were pretty good with her,“ Chiara said as they left Ellie’s room to run the tests.

„I am pretty good with all my patients, Dr. Ray,“ Ethan grinned.

„Well, yeah, you are, but you know what I mean. I have never seen you with kid patient before, I guess. It just surprised me to see how natural you were with Ellie.“

„I like kids.“ Ethan shrugged, not knowing how to react to Chiara’s compliment.

And I can never give them to you, she thought bitterly, biting her lip so that she wouldn’t ruin their day by the remark if she said it aloud.

That evening, Ethan found himself sitting on his couch with Jenner’s head in his lap, reading a medical journal, when the comfortable silence of the apartment was disturbed by ringing of his phone.

„Chiara? Is everything alright?“ he picked it up, horror audible in his voice.

„Yes, sure. I am fine. I was just wondering if I could come in tonight?“

„Aren’t Tuesday nights reserved for your roommates?“

„Yeah, but they decided to have a group date night and since Elijah is taking Phebe and Sienna is taking Danny, I can’t bring you with me and I don’t feel like going alone. So, um.. I thought that maybe you wouldn’t mind if I came?“

„Of course you can come. Do you need me to pick you up?“

„Nope. I’ll be there in an hour.“

„Okay Ethan, I need you to tell me what’s wrong. Did I interrupt your peaceful evening? Should I go home?“

Chiara’s been at Ethan’s place for more than an hour now and his mood was only getting worse. Not wanting to talk about it, he left her in the dark, only guessing what was wrong.

„No, don’t go home, please,“ he finally responded. „It’s not about you. Just… argh, I am just so angry.“

„With me?“

„No! With myself. With circumstances. With life.“

„Did something happen at work?“

Ethan sighed, running a hand through his hair. Wearing a gray Henley t-shirt with dark jeans made him look younger, more relaxed and yet, at this very moment, Ethan Ramsey looked simply… defeated.

„After you called me, I had to think about what you said. That you can’t bring me with you because there are people who don’t know about us. And it got me thinking, it made me admit the one thing I’ve been so afraid to admit.“

„What are you talking about?“ Chiara asked gently, taking his hand between hers.

„I am so scared that you will sooner or later realize that you could have so much better than me, Chiara,“ he whispered, voice heavy with fear and vulnerability. „That you deserve so much more. You deserve a relationship in which your man takes you out for a dinner and holds your hand in public and kisses you in the middle of the street. You deserve to be able to bring your boyfriend with you when meeting your friends. You deserve so much more than sneaking around and having dinner at my apartment, making sure that nobody sees us holding hands or being careful to not to stare at each other for too long in the hospital halls, because that would be suspicious. And I can’t give you what you deserve. Lahela could give you that. Aveiro could give you that. Goddamnit anyone could give you that, anyone but me. And I dread the day you realize all of this and leave me. Because neither of us got what we deserved. You’ve gotten much less with me than what you deserve. I, on the contrary, have gotten so, so, so much more with you, than what I deserve. And it’s not fair.“

There was a long silence. All Ethan could hear was his drumming heart in his ears.

„I knew what I’ve gotten myself into when we agreed to give us a try, Ethan,“ Chiara broke the silence at last, her voice barely above whisper. „I know who you are and I am very aware of what we can and cannot be. I am also aware of what I could have with other boys. I am a grown woman, Ethan, I can make my decisions and I realize the consequences of them. And I need you to listen to me now. I want to be with you, Ethan Jonah Ramsey. I would rather sneak around with you and hide in your apartment than hold my hands in public with anyone else. I chose you and I keep choosing you every day. You need to start believing that you are good enough. Not only for me, for everyone. Because you are enough, Ethan.“

The next moment, Chiara felt like she was being crushed by the force with which Ethan hugged her. She could swear she felt his tears moisten the skin under her hair, however before she could confirm her suspicion by looking up at Ethan, he cleared his throat and gently pulled away, standing up from the couch.

„I’ll be right back,“ he murmured and left the living room.

When he got back, he played with his antique phonograph for a while and as the room was filled with gentle tones of one of Frank Sinatra’s songs, he lit up three candles and switched the lights off.

Only then he approached Chiara, still sitting on his couch and with almost shy expression that adorned his face, he asked: „Can I have this dance?“

With a brught smile, Chiara stood up and took his hand, the other one landing on his chest.

„I would never believe that Ethan Ramsey owned candles,“ she teased him.

„In fact, I like candles very much. I enjoy staring into the fire and since this apartment doesn’t have a fireplace, I light up the candles from time to time and just look at them while listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.“

She smiled at the picture forming in her head, Ethan’s relaxed form with glass of whiskey in his hand, softly humming into the tones of violin, thoughtfully looking into the small flame of a candle.

They slowly swayed in the middle of the room, Chiara’s head resting just under Ethan’s shoulder, while he kept kissing the top of her head, his eyes closed.

How did I get this lucky?

The thought ran in Chiara’s head over and over.

What did I do to deserve this? was the one Ethan kept replaying in his mind.

„Thank you. For having me,“ he whispered into her hair.

„Thank you for letting me have you.“

#open heart #open heart choices #open heart fanfiction #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #pixelberry

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studyingfairy · 5 years ago

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How to Study History (at uni)

Hi everyone! Now that I’ve (almost) finished my masters and have thus been a history student for four years, I thought this would be the best time to make a post with four tips about how to study history. I studied in the UK, but hopefully these tips will be helpful wherever you are in the world!

1. Do. Your. Damn. Readings.

97% of the work for a history degree is individual. If you ask me to describe my degree in one sentence, it would be “me, alone in a room, reading”. If you study history (but I think this goes for most humanities subjects), you need to do your reading, cause otherwise, you will literally do no work at all. Whether it’s for an essay that’s worth 80% of your final grade or for an optional seminar, always, always do the reading- there have been countless moments when I’ve either been the only person in the seminar who kind of knew what was going on, or when I’ve gotten extra marks during an exam because I knew a random fun fact from some extra reading I had done. So please, please do your reading.

2. Go to all your classes, you won’t have many!

Over the past four years, I’ve had anywhere between 8 and 3 hours of class a week. If you decide not to show up to the few hours you do have to be at uni for, not only will you be extremely unpopular with your lecturers, but it’ll also be such a waste of the time, effort, and money you’re putting into uni. I always calculated at the beginning of the year how much I was paying per hour of class. Trust me, it’s a lot harder to skip when you know you’re wasting £100 every hour you don’t go!

3. Pick essay topics you genuinely like (even if the lecturers hate it)

I vividly remember a lecturer telling the class we shouldn’t write essays about witches because he had read so many that he absolutely despised the topic now. Me being me, I listened to him, and it took me four years to, eventually, write an essay on the topic. Which I loved. If it hadn’t been for that guy, I would’ve discovered this interest so much earlier, and I now wish I’d just trusted my gut and gone with the topic that spoke to me the most. Always pick an essay topic you like, otherwise writing the essay will feel more like a punishment than fun, which is what it should be. This is the time to let your personality shine! I’ve written two essays on Pocahontas because I LOVE the Disney movie and, let me tell you, I enjoyed those way more than when I listened to what the lecturers wanted. You do you boo!

4. Have some fun!

I’m notorious for making up the weirdest essay (sub)titles and/or introductions. The first essay I ever turned in (on the economy of marriage in Pride and Prejudice) contained the lyrics “girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money” from a song by Good Charlotte. And, to be honest, my jokes haven’t improved much in four years, as is evidenced by the fact all the subtitles in my essay about pirates were quotes from Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Do I love thinking of those things? YES. Do I care whether others (lecturers/students) judge me for it? NO. Again: show your personality! My undergrad dissertation had chapter titles all taken from the song Lady Marmalade (the thesis was about prostitution), and guess what, my supervisor loved it. More importantly, so did I!

I hope these ramblings were semi-helpful! If you have any other questions or just want to have a chat about studying history (or scream about your fav historical figure I’m up for that too), feel free to message me!!

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winterisakillerwrites · 5 years ago

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Becoming - Part Four

Title: Becoming

One Shot: 4/6

Character: Tom Hiddleston

Genre: Realistic(?) fluff; Angst

Rating: T

Summary: Learning about his son was only just the start of the story. As Tom Hiddleston struggles to adapt to this sudden change in his life, he comes to learn that becoming a father might be the biggest role he’d ever taken on. *Sequel/Continuation of Lovers’ Eyes*

Authors Notes/Warnings: This story came about because I knew there was still so much about Tom and his son that I wanted to explore. I fully intended this to be a quick flash forward into their lives, a snapshot if you will….They had other ideas and so here we are. This is technically all one story but has been broken down into parts to make the reading easier.

Thanks so much first and foremost to @ciaodarknessmyheart who has dealt with me throwing all of these ideas at her and has helped shape them into something coherent and wonderful.

Hope you all enjoy!

Tag List: @tinchentitri @messy-insomniac-bookgirl @noplacelikehome77 @blacksuitofdoom @nonsensicalobsessions @theheartofpenelope @ms-cellanies @nuggsmum @inkededucatednnerdy @redfoxwritesstuff @just-the-hiddles @wolfsmom1 @theoneanna @hiddlescastle @sabine-leo @alexakeyloveloki @echantedbytwh @finchbaggins @kenzieam @ciaodarknessmyheart @ladyblablabla @trippedmetaldetector

Breakfast, while more than a touch uneasy, had been nowhere near as awkward as Tom feared it would be. Not that he’d set out expecting to be invited in, especially after turning up on their doorstep at just after eight in the morning with absolutely no warning at all. It had been an impulsive, reckless decision but Tom could not find it in himself to regret it. Even as Keira glared at him coolly, her hand resting on Jaime’s shoulder as the boy bounced excitedly. They passed several moments in awkward silence before she gave a curt nod and invited Tom into the house. It was abundantly clear to Tom that while she wasn’t against him being involved in the boy’s life, dropping by as if he had the right to do so as he pleased was a step too far in her book. But she hadn’t fought him on it and for that Tom was incredibly grateful.

An extra place had been set and Tom found himself pulled to sit next to a bright eyed Jaime who was speaking a mile a minute. He smiled indulgently as he took in the food laid on the table. Eggs, toast, crispy bacon, and sausages. Tom piled a fair amount onto his own plate, watching in fascination as Jaime ate between rapidly firing questions. His sleep logged mind struggled to keep up.

The coffee Keira had set before him was a godsend in more ways than one. He nodded at her, offering what he hoped she would see was a small, grateful smile. Things were never going to be easy between them, too much bad blood lingered between them for that, but Tom hoped somehow they would be able to find middle ground. For Jaime’s sake at least.

After breakfast, Jaime had lead his newly discovered father into the back garden to run and play. The weather was thankfully warm and surprisingly dry in a way that Tom was certain was tempting the weather gods. Especially this late in the year. They ran about for what felt like ages until Keira called them back inside, sending the boy upstairs to wash up and change for the day. Tom found himself rocking back and forth on his heels, wondering if he was overstepping the unspoken lines Keira had laid at the start of this. No matter what he or Jaime felt, Keira was the boy’s legal guardian. He was bound by her rules unless he took the steps to change it and with his life as uncertain as it was, that day seemed far off indeed.

Things weren’t exactly easy after that strange morning, but they were slowly drifting in that direction. Jaime had clung to the idea of Tom as his father in a way Tom hadn’t expected. The boy was a mess of questions, curiosity, and joy. Over the years, in countless interviews, he’d been asked to describe his idea of happiness. And he’d always had the same, sweet but safely generic answers; lyrics or a quote he’d heard years ago. Things that captured the idea but not perhaps his reality of it. Never the real answer; his family or the first time he’d acted on stage, his first time on a set. Things that, looking back, were wonderful…But now, now he knew with absolute certainty that his happiness was seeing the pure unadulterated joy in the eyes of his little boy.

It amazed him at times, thinking that something so simple, so small in the scheme of things, could come to mean so very much. Things were better yes…But they still had a long way to go.

While Jaime had taken to Tom’s new role in his life like a duck to water, Keira had been wary. She didn’t hinder the relationship growing between Tom and Jaime nor did she actively encourage it. It had been a constant source of frustration for Tom. He knew why she acted the way she did, understood his behavior in regards to her daughter coloured the way she viewed him now. And he couldn’t fault her for that. Had he been in her position, Tom couldn’t say he wouldn’t have done the same.

But he knew, even if he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it, that sooner rather than later they would need to sit and talk, properly talk, about what was happening. About the role Tom would play in Jaime’s life.

Tom had intended to find time to set aside to do just that, had even called his agent about starting to look for a good family solicitor should push indeed come to shove, but as it always did his life managed to throw itself in the way. He’d known filming for his latest project was coming up, and much sooner than he liked, but he hadn’t predicted the change in schedule which pushed up his need to be on set by a good three weeks. All the time he’d thought he’d had to prepare Jaime (and in all honesty, to prepare himself) for the looming separation his work would bring had been snatched from him. They needed him in five days’ time.

He’d cursed after his agent had broken the news (a call shortly after he’d made it in the door from his morning run) and cursed a great deal more when it hit him he’d have to explain, yet again, to Jaime why he had to leave sooner than he’d promised. It killed him to think about the disappointment he knew he’d see in his little boy’s eyes. Disappoint that he, again, would be the sole cause of.

They’d had so many things planned in those three weeks; trips to the park, the zoo, playdates and other things Tom’s agent and Luke most definitely hadn’t been thrilled with (especially without any formal public statement regarding his newly found status as a father) but begrudgingly agreed to look the other way. Things Tom himself had been looking forward to. How could he not, with the way Jaime’s face had lit up whenever he talked about it? And now he had to crush that hope, had to disappoint him yet again. The all too familiar doubts raged; would he every truly be a good father for Jaime? Didn’t Jaime deserve someone who could be there? Who could keep the promises they’d made?

His mother’s voice, who had swiftly become his voice of reason (had been for the majority of his life if he was being completely honest), scoffed at him. ‘It doesn’t matter what you think the boy deserves, you are what he has. And you will find a way to make it work, even if it’s far from ideal. You will make it work because you don’t have any other choice.’

Jaime had been understandably upset by the news, tearful and not quite understanding why the father he’d just found had to leave again and so quickly. Tom did his best, again and again, in those few days leading up to his departure to explain as best he could the whys of his leaving. To explain that it didn’t mean Tom loved him any less or that he didn’t want to be his daddy anymore (when Jaime had uttered those words Tom was sure his heart had broken into a thousand sharp and painful shards). This was a temporary thing; he would be available by phone or by video and that as soon as he could he would be home.

Keira said nothing but watched him with knowing eyes. Tom knew the picture he must be painting and hated that in her eyes he was only proving her opinion of him correct. But what could he honestly do? He was under contract and breaking it now would cause more trouble and strife than it was worth. Not that he hadn’t tried, but his agent (and his solicitors) had been firm. Walking out now would be as good as blacklisting himself. He’d already lost enough good will over the stunt he’d pulled several months back. Backing out of another project so soon after…That would certainly be the final nail in the coffin. And then what would he do? Acting was as much a part of his life as breathing. And as selfish as it was, Tom wasn’t sure he could ever fully walk away.

He let her quiet stares go, the fight that would ensue should he push the matter wasn’t one he thought himself mentally ready for. Not at this time. But he’d spoken to both Luke and his agent and started the ball rolling, he would be ready and he would fight tooth and nail if he had to. He was Jaime’s father and he owed it to not only the boy but to himself and to Eliza to be the best father he could be. To be as fully involved in his life as he was able to be.

Tom kissed and hugged Jaime goodbye on the last day before he was scheduled to fly out. They’d played in his grandmother’s back garden and Tom promised to call as soon as he had settled to show Jaime his temporary home. The drive back to London had been hellish; traffic was a nightmare and his nerves were only serving to make the already short fuse of his temper glow hotter still. He’d snapped at Luke when his friend had called reminding him of his flight details and when the car would be around to drive him to Heathrow. Tom had apologized immediately after, it wasn’t Luke’s fault and god knows he didn’t want to repeat his mistakes in this upcoming production. Didn’t want to slip back into that angry, frustrated man he’d been.

“You’re tired, mate. And you’re stressed. So I will let that slide, just work on keeping yourself in check. I like working with you Tom, but lately you’ve been making me earn my pay and I’m not entirely sure I like that.”

What was said no doubt in jest wriggled in the back Tom’s mind the rest of that evening and well into the following day. He’d managed to scrape up enough sleep to not be a complete mess when the hire car arrived in the morning. His bags had been packed and left by the door the night before and his carryon was at his side. He threw in the last of the bits and bobs he needed for the journey and headed out into the pre-dawn light.

Bags packed securely in the trunk of the car, they sped off towards Heathrow and towards months of long, hard work that normally spiked a fevered excitement in him but now left him on edge and apprehensive. Once he got settled into a routine, he knew the unease would ebb away but until then…

The flight was long and despite the perks of first class flying, the seats were never terribly comfortable and sleep was elusive. When he’d finally disembarked the only thing on Tom’s mind was the warm, comfy bed awaiting him. The drive from the airport to the hotel had been long enough that Tom found himself nodding off in the backseat. He’d nearly jumped out of his skin when the driver shook his shoulder to wake him. Check in was mercifully a quiet, easy process and before he was consciously aware of it, Tom was in his room and laying face first onto the cool, white duvet. He drifted off again, only to be woken by the ringing of his mobile.

Confused and still in the clutches of sleep, it took him an embarrassingly long amount of time to recognize the sound for what it was and then to dig his mobile from his trouser pocket. He smiled, blearily as he recognized the number and slid his finger across the screen to answer.

“Jaime, lad.”

Filming had gone far better than Tom had dared hope, especially given its inauspicious start. He enjoyed his role and had developed a genuine report with his cast-mates. It was nice to be able to escape into someone else’s life for a short time. To live through someone else’s emotions. He spoke with Jaime nearly every day, enjoying the small bits of information Jaime told him of his day. He’d shared what he could as well, sending Jaime pictures of himself in make-up and costume. Taking him on a virtual tour of the set. Reading bedtime stories to him. Time did not speed by, but it passed soon enough.

When wrap was called after just over three months, Tom felt both an acute sadness that the end of filming almost always brought in him and an immense relief that he would be home soon. He’d managed to duck out of the wrap party after a few hours and was thankfully dropped off at the airport shortly thereafter (he had packed before heading to the party, checked out of his hotel, and left the baggage stored safely in the back of the hire car). He spent the entire flight back to the UK in nervous excitement.

He’d rushed home from the airport, grateful to shower and sleep in his own bed. His sister had thankfully stopped by the day before to air out the house and to make sure his fridge and pantry were stocked. He had people who could easily have done this for him, and he’d used said people in the past, but this time his sister had gotten the idea in her head and nothing could budge her from it.

Tom woke the next morning, confused but comfortable. It took him several moments to remember he was home. He blinked at the dimly lit room, getting his bearings. He’d no idea what time it was, hadn’t even remembered putting himself to bed. He glanced at the bedside table, midafternoon then. Which meant he’d slept at least ten hours. That’ll do wonders with acclimating to BST, he thought with a groan. He sat up and scrubbed his face with his hands. He needed to get up and get back into a routine or he’d never get himself back on track.

Padding downstairs, he fixed himself a cup of coffee and set about throwing together a light breakfast. Once finished he ate it hastily, carrying the plate into the living room and settling on the sofa where he set about checking his mobile for missed calls or texts. He had a few from Luke and from his agent, which he returned. A solicitor had been arranged regarding his paternity claim should he wish to pursue custody. He also had a few interviews scheduled for later in the week regarding various projects.

There were messages from his mum and sister as well as one from Jaime. He sighed as he played the message from his son, guilt coursing through him. He’d mean to call Jaime once he’d made it home but must have passed out before he’d done so. He called him back, apologizing and explaining that he’d gotten in late and fallen asleep soon after. Jaime seemed to accept this and immediately launched into a tale about his day, asking breathlessly after when Tom was going to come by. As soon as he showered, Tom promised (Keira be damned). Excited at the prospect of seeing his daddy, Jaime ended the call with a happy laugh. Tom chuckled to himself, taking the stairs two at a time.

The conflict with Keira came to a head a few short weeks later. After a trip to the park, and while Jaime had been upstairs in his room, Keira’s quiet disapproval became too much. He hadn’t meant to call her out as he did, had intended on trying to keep the conversation civil but stress and frustration (both at her attitude and at the sneaking suspicion that he’d seen a photographer at the park watching him and Jaime) had brought his words out with far more force than he had intended. Keira had been taken aback, clearly not expecting such vehemence and had fired back with equal force. It was only after hearing Jaime’s footsteps on the landing that the two seemed to remember themselves.

They plastered smiles on their faces and put the matter aside until after the lad had been fed, washed, and sent to bed. It was clear this was a conversation neither of them were delighted about having but one they knew needed to come to pass. Keira put forth her opinion that while Tom was biologically linked to Jaime, that didn’t mean he was able to be a proper parent to the boy. Jaime needed structure, support, stability. Tom worked a great deal and often in far flung locations. With Jaime preparing to start his schooling, what would that kind of disruption do to him?

Her words stung. They were things he’d thought himself and often. But he had a right to be as involved in Jaime’s life as he could be and he’d said as much. Yes, his work meant his life was less structured or home based than most, but it wouldn’t always be. Now that this project was completed, his future work would be much more local. And save for promotional work, his schedule was clearer than it had been in years. He wanted have a tangible, legal stake in Jaime’s life. That didn’t mean he was planning to snatch him from her or that he wanted to turn the boy’s life on its head. He simply wanted to have a say in his life, to be responsible for him in more than just name.

“Jaime is my son, Keira. He is all I have left of Eliza. I messed up terribly with her and I can never, ever take that back. I won’t let that happen with Jaime, not if I can help it.” Tom sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I want to do this as friendly as I possibly can but make no mistake I will take this as far as I need to. Please, please let us do this in a way that will cause the least disruption to his life.”

Tensions still running high, Tom had left and spent his entire drive home wondering what the hell he was going to do. Keira called the next morning and told him that if he was serious then maybe it was time solicitors were engaged. The words sent a shiver of real fear through his gut, though he didn’t truly think she’d meant then in any malicious way. The courts would need to be involved, in some capacity and Tom had always known that. But the irrational part of his brain worried that in doing so he would be inciting a chain of events that could bring the boy more harm than good.

#Tom Hiddleston #Tom Hiddleston RPF #Becoming #original child character #grief #guilt #Dad!Tom #winterisakiller writes

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dear-yandere · 4 years ago

Text

—ask collection!

a collection of mostly very old chats and sweet asks that i never got around to answering! thanks for the patience and love!!

beware, fairly long post... woops....

chat asks.

darling: Eu-jin is best boy. Change my mind.

vanya: i am physically incapable of fulfilling that request, how dare you do that to me... i’m biased since he’s my own oc, but i would die for my (very best) boy eu-jin... who can resist such a gentle yandere that loves you so whole-heartedly?

that reminds me! he’s actually based off of kuroyuki and gekkamaru from the otome nightshade, so if you want similar characters by any chance, do check them and the game out ♡

darling: I was watching the dub for Part 5 of JoJo's Bizarre adventure yesterday...Mista called himself Daddy and I like- sdfghjfgsdhnhnmj!! My heart can't take this--

vanya: WAIT HE DID???? i’m not even big on daddy kink and reading that made me go 😳 this is vital information to know... what episode was this??? for research purposes, of course. gotta perfect my yan! mista, after all~...

darling: for yandere songs, have you heard of the major to minor covers by chase holfelder :O? the way he delivers the lyrics in some songs (betty, all i want for christmas), added with the key changes to minor, is really fantastic, and gives a stalker-ish vibe imo! and he's a really good singer in general

vanya: i have!! a good chunk of them are actually on my personal yandere playlist, so i end up hearing them frequently when i’m writing!! i haven’t been keeping up with his uploads recently, so ‘betty’ is completely new to me and just, wow???????????? this man is an absolute god send for us “romantic” horror fans... ♡

this ask gave me such a lovely idea, though, darling: assigning yandere types/mbti based off each of chase’s minor key covers. i think i’ll do that just for you. ♡

darling @blossomiich: I reread some of your old character interaction asks and saw the one with Jotaro hugging his Darling after a panic attack and the elephant seal plush reminded me of the iconic C H O N K Y ringed seal plushie that was kinda trending and I can totally imagine Jotaro having one of those >w< that's so adorable!

vanya: i honestly don’t remember that interaction, but then again i don’t remember most things hmghng so i looked it up and

j...just imagine star plat hogging it and not letting joot cuddle with it 🥺 the duality of man...thank you for this cute image...

darling: Umm, sorry for asking this. I'm just curious because of your bio language in your header. Are you Chinese too, perhaps?

vanya: no worries!! i’m mixed guyanese (indian, chinese, & possibly black and/or portuguese), but my family only celebrates (or rather, acknowledges?) our indian descent, since the majority of our family is predominantly east indian.

my header is actually a quote from a danmei novel (and one of my all-time favorite fandoms), tiān guān cì fú (heaven’s official blessing)!

darling genki stan anon: Omg you're writing for free now, i didn't expect that one lol. It's a cute show innit? Not a nagi stan but I feel like nagisa has that kinda unsnapped personality that would make him peak delusional yandere material lolol like oikawa but less threatening and without his head being up his own ass 😂. Hope you're doing well!! -gsa

Gdjsjs im such a fool, i think my last ask said something about not thinking you'd write for free when i literally just pointed out kisumi on your sideblog LMAO my bad 😅 😂 also ill hold back on the gen chan requests because ive already asked so many in the past! Thank you though 🥺. Also feel free not to post this, it can just dip into my onesided chats with my lil flower 💐 so long as you receive them im fine 😌 -genki stan anon

vanya: nagisa isn’t my favorite (kisumi is), but gods if he wouldn’t make a great yandere. honestly, out of the iwatobi boys, nagi is probably the most unhinged. i wouldn’t peg him as delusional, at least not at first; i think he’s very lucid and knows exactly what he wants and how to manipulate people in order to get it!!! kisumi is fairly similar now that i think about it... i might... have a type...

please feel free to send in gen-chan requests whenever you want!!!! i’m kinda super asocial, so it’ll take me a while to answer, but i love getting asks from you since you’re so sweet and excitable!!! your little flower reads and cherishes them all!! 🥺

also darling genki stan anon: Sorry for spamming you with asks hdjkdks, u dont even need to reply im just kinda brain empty venting here whether you recieve them or not 😂 i just needed to confess that while yes i am #1 gen simp, and he is undoubtedly my fave oc of yours but that Ilya tentacle smut had me very much so highkey kinda 👀, had to re read the genki oral style drabble to bring my head back. He dont even need to worry about luca bc that man a thot. I think therin is a thot too but like lowkey, a classy thót -gsa

vanya: omg i’ve kept this one for forever mnmghngh i might’ve even answered at some other point, now that i think about it... but i just 🥺 gosh i hope i find my muse soon, because i really wanna write you a genki fic 🥺 hhhh

the ilya tentacle smut was so in character for that boy... i have no clue how to write monsters, much less tentacles, but i’d honestly do anything for him 🙏 kinky russian boy...

therin is definitely a classy thot, the kind that only bangs the finest concubines then turns around and slut shames you for banging the very same prostitutes gbfmngnfg rules don’t apply to him, in his kingdom...wish that were me tbh ✊😔

sweet asks.

darling one: i've read almost all of your dazai and chuuya fics and i love them so much!! your formatting is also super aesthetic just a question, i saw on your kofi that you also draw so i was wondering if you drew all the header arts?? bc they're all super pretty :) have a great day!

darling two: Just wanted to say love the writing and the way your format your posts is so aesthetically pleasing. One day I hope my posts looks half as good as yours because I legit can't get over how pretty and organized it looks.

vanya: omg thank you so much!!!! one of my bffs, yue, is to thank for the formatting and aesthetic choices, really! if you wanna see more of her aesthetic formats and posts, she actually runs a few blogs! you may know her as @milkscafe, formally @milkaaton! i adore her and her aes choices so much 🥺

as for the headers, i don’t draw 99.98% of them! i have drawn a couple, but they’re so few and far in between since i almost never finish my art wips haha... my older posts are lacking proper credits because i’m an absolute idiot, but i’m slowly working my way backwards to credit them all where possible! they’re all indeed super pretty!!!

have a great day yourself, my love!!

darling: THEY’RE NOT BAD CONTENT, I LOVE THEM ALL

vanya: this was in response to a now-deleted lil blurb but i kept it in my inbox because i wanted to say i love u very much and seeing this ask each time i open my inbox makes my heart skip a beat ♡

darling: Listen I love your writing, you inspired me to start it myself! I've always loved to write, and read of course but your style and concepts just stick with me. If you where to write something besides Yandere content/fandom content and started your own series? I would read the shit, out of it. I'm always nervous to interact with my favorite writers because you know, I'm afraid of the impression I'd leave but I just wanted to say this anyway! 💞💞💞🔫😳

vanya: wowowow fgfnmgnfmngfg that’s such a high compliment my brain just gmfnbgmnf go boom fogjfngnfg and thank you for the interaction, us writers truly appreciate it no matter how awkward or nervous you think you may be / come off!!!

darling one: As a writer, your post struck a nerve with me. I don’t send feedback to writers I like nearly as much as I should (and certainly not as much as I’d like in return as a writer). So, as such, I’m going to start doing that when I can, starting with you.

You are an incredible writer. You were one of the first yandere writing blogs I found and you’re still one I check in on regularly to see what you have been working on. You can portray a sense of suspense and intrigue in a natural way that many other writers - published ones included - struggle with. You delve into the darkness without it feeling forced, and you have an amazing grasp on the psyches of the characters you write for (which is a quality I adore in writing and strive toward myself).

I’m not great at ending these things so I guess.. you keep doing you? Because the you is great and I appreciate it.

darling two: hey. i'm here to tell you that from the bottom of my heart i love you and your writings. i really admire your writing skills. you inspire me. one of your posts once saved me from a nervous breakdown. thank you for everything you do. you're a wonderful person. good luck!

darling three: I wanted to tell you that thank you for writing such wonderful beautiful writings and that you take time to edit and write I hope you are taking care of yourself 💖❤

darling four: Thanks. I was having a hard time and deleted all my apps, but as soon as i opened my phone my first instinct was to look at your blog and i got my motivation back. Thanks (:

darling five: Hi ! I just wanted to say I really enjoy the stories you write and how they are detailed so well ! Stay safe and I hope you have a good day/night ! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

vanya: ahhhh, these are very old asks mostly dating back to my “tumblr writing community is dying” post, and i’ve kept them this entire time because i’m just so starstruck. i have no clue how to reply to compliments, so i’m not sure what else to say besides that these asks made me very happy and got me through a few insecure moments!!! i’ve actually been feeling a little down about my writing recently, mostly because of lack of motivation / inspiration, so revisiting these really warmed my heart, so thank you truly ♡ i’m certainly keeping the originals in my inbox until the end of time!!

darling @monstrously-obsessed: psst, this local cryptic mom thing send all of their love for you 💕

vanya: your local herbo says she loves you very much momster 🥺 mwah

also, to the anon worried about my safety:

thank you so much for pointing that out!!! it hadn’t even crossed my mind when i made those ocs, so i appreciate your concern! i was contemplating revamping those two as is, so this is a great place to start! thank you again!!

#asks collection #not a fic #vanya rambles #[ vanya LITERALLY rambles ]#[ life's hard when you're this asocial i swear fgmnfgnmfg ]#[ now to answer concept asks ]

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