#did i loop the trailer version of ''in the end'' like 100 times while making this?

[necroticboop]

❝ The moment Liliana defied Nicol Bolas, her contract was broken and her life was forfeit. But she was free to choose her fate, and she decided it was worth the price. ❞

[mickeys-malarkey]

BATDR Analysis/Post-Playthrough Theory Revision Pt. 3/4: All this brings me back to Henry and Allison’s apparently-retconned stories.

Funny how the Memory of Joey tells us this story like a fairytale told to a child, isn’t it?

The Memory of Joey: Once upon a time, Audrey, there was a bitter old man. Who had lost just about everything. Audrey: Joey. The Memory of Joey: Right. The real Joey Drew. He blamed everyone but himself for his mistakes, but mostly he blamed his old business partner for abandoning their work, years and years ago. A man by the name of Henry Stein. A great artist and a good friend. In his anger, Joey used an evil machine to create another world. A world made of paper and ink, where he'd torment his own version of Henry forevermore. But one day, a miracle happened. An angel came into Joey's life. A young woman by the name of Allison Pendle. She didn't visit often, but when she did, she saw something good in Joey that no one else could. Including himself. Through their friendship, he began to see the world with better eyes. So one day, in his cartoon cycle of hatred, he gave Henry an angel of his own. To guide him when things were most dark. To always provide hope…

I’m certain that (aside from the green part) this is a fabrication created by Nathan Sr. and his modification of both the Ink Dimension and the memories of the real world contained in the loop in order to keep Bendy/Real Joey trapped and at odds with not just Henry (as I'd originally theorized), but also Allison beyond the grave (while also allowing them to stay friends although they're both trapped as well just to further taunt Joey). First of all, Allison’s surname was already Connor in her BATIM letter, remember? Doesn’t that mean she can’t have been called “Allison Pendle” when she met Joey, if the Memory of Joey’s story were true?! He’s claiming Allison and Joey met after Henry started going through his loops in 1963, remember (he’s literally saying that every scrap of information we have on her is imaginary just with this one claim, because this would mean that the invitation to her and Tom’s wedding in 1952 in The Employee Handbook [BATIM guidebook], where Allison herself wrote that Joey was the reason they met, was fake… Need I remind everyone that theMeatly, himself, literally told us multiple times, including the day after the trailer dropped, that all of BATIM’s established lore is still 100% canon in BATDR)?!?!

Second of all, I noticed long ago that there looked to be about 12-23 hatch marks (depending on if some of those are actually hatch marks or just meaningless scribbles) in Henry’s prison cell in Allison and Tom’s hideout, like the ones in the beginning hallway, and theorized that this meant Henry had been counting not just how many times he’d gone through the whole cycle, but also how many times specific endings had happened. If I’m right, that would mean that about 12-23 of those 414 loops Henry went through before BATIM ended with him in Allison and Tom’s hideout…

…which means that, even if all the other messages on this particular wall were written by Joey, Audrey, and Wilson, Allison’s addition was most definitely not what made Loop 414 different, as the Memory of Joey seems to be implying. I’ll talk about my new theory on what did make Loop 414 different in a bit.

Now, if that part of the Memory of Joey’s story is untrue, then what if the Henry we meet in Wilson’s prison for Cyclebreakers is not a copy created to be tortured, he’s just been gaslit into believing he must be by the fact he’s survived for years without eating in his new ink body? So much so that he believes that maybe he should just give up on holding onto his human life and memories (translation: he's leaning on Joey's Illusion of Living coping mechanism, trying to create a reality that hurts less. Which, as I've said before, Nathan Sr. loves because it makes him easier to control)?

Henry: What's your name? Audrey: Audrey. What's yours? Henry: Honestly, I've almost forgotten. My name is Henry. Audrey: Have you been a prisoner long? Henry: When the Keepers think you're a threat to their plans, they lock you away, forever. Still, it's given me time to think. Things like: if you haven't eaten in years, you might not be human.

The Memory of Joey literally confessed that he doesn’t actually know if the Ink Dimension was created for revenge or regret, remember? So, why is he now suddenly claiming that he knows for sure that it was specifically created for this particular brand of substitutionary revenge?? Sure sounds like Nathan Sr.'s manipulative self-contradiction, again, doesn't it? I also find it extremely suspicious how this headline that seems to be confirming the retcon of Henry’s death…

…not only sounds nothing like a headline you would read in real life (except maybe in a trash tabloid or something, which this might be judging by some of the other headlines and would mean we shouldn't be trusting it to have done any fact checking rofl) – it sounds like something that a player (maybe one of JDS’s real-life beta testers, even) said during their playthrough, after hearing the Memory of Joey’s “retconning” story – but also… isn’t even properly capitalized or in any of the same fonts as the other headlines on this paper nor on the other we have! Especially considering the fact that one of these headlines is talking about the angry moon Easter egg you can spot in Lost Harbor, I don’t think this is actually a headline confirming that Henry’s not dead in the real world; I think it’s the observer’s (be that Audrey's or those of any other random ink creature who’s run into the Memory of Joey and/or “Fake Henry”) thoughts leaking into the wider reality of the Ink Dimension.

Oh, by the way, we do have evidence that either Henry or at least one of the other potential message writers, at one point, seemed to know our dear Mr. Animator was dead in the real world, also found in his cell in Allison and Tom’s hideout, if anyone who knew forgot.

I highly doubt it was referring to the message about Allison leaving him for dead, considering how he was awakened by her sounds of panic and would have no reason to still be in bed when Bendy arrived, even if not knowing about the secret toilet meant he didn’t escape Bendy the first time he experienced an Allison and Tom Loop. Funny that this is also where we see the evidence of Audrey existing in BATIM, by the way; hand with a swirl saying “follow me” and another swirl labelled “trust her,” as SuperHorrorBro on YouTube pointed out? Hm…

Let’s go back to her. It does seem we can trust parts of what the Memory of Joey says, like how we were able to glean clues as to what was going on behind the curtain through TIOL despite both the hoops that Joey had to jump through to get Nathan Sr.'s permission to publish in the first place and Nathan Sr.'s postmortem edits; you just gotta pay attention to the patterns in the broader picture. We do know, for example, from clues in BATIM, TIOL, and TLO, that whether or not he wanted anything to do with romance and having kids was a huge internal struggle for Joey that culminated in regret at missing the chance; which tells me that, yes, Joey created Audrey to be the daughter he could never have (speaking of which… based on the Keepers' “surgical invasions” comment, I wonder if Nathan Sr. might've… *clears throat* had someone forcibly sterilize Joey… ☹️). However, unlike many fans (including MatPat of Game Theory on YouTube, I saw this morning), I think Audrey has a completely new soul; Joey didn't sacrifice Henry's daughter or Tessa Arch or anything like that. Lemme explain.

Y’know how Audrey talks and behaves a lot like Henry (planning on drawing her animations all night long and actually doing so in the secret ending you unlock if you don’t make her move at the very beginning of the game, saying a lot of the same lines as him, etc.) and there’s an Easter egg where you can spot a ghost train on Platform 77 at 4:14am or 4:14pm (the same number as the loop that was different, Henry’s identifier in the Cyclebreaker prison, in the corner of the so-called “death of Henry retconning newspaper,” and the dates marked on so many lore drops… Anyone remember Nathan Sr. saying the last he heard from Joey, when he sounded so happy, was during April? I wonder if Audrey’s “birthday,” when Joey tried to cut ties with Nathan Sr. and disappear off his radar for good, was April 14… and mayhaps Nathan Sr. had the announcement of his buying the Bendy IP published and caused Wilson to discover the Ink Machine on April 14th as a way to poetically rub it all in Joey's face and dance on his grave)? There’s also another place that we can spot a ghost: when you make Audrey strike a pose in front of the mirror in her office too many times, like the goshdarned peacock that Joey was.

There are Lost One memos that say not only that ghosts are what happen when souls randomly, accidentally slip out of the Inkwell, but also that new souls can be created by combining old ones inside the Ink Machine…

“We don’t live forever. When we’re killed or finally pulled apart, our diseased souls return to the ink to be reborn. An unending cycle of torment. But sometimes, something even worse can happen. A soul can slip from the ink completely. It gets caught between worlds, unable to die or return. They wail in the night. Drifting in shadow. The Phantoms of the Machine. The ghosts.” ~ Unknown, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “The Ghosts” memo (emphasis added)

“We live in the ruins of the past. Forever lost in the shadows of those who came before us. Blended souls to make something new. Birthed from a machine into a world we cannot own. But the Ink Demon lives in all of us. A voice that calls us to a purpose. We know it’s a lie, but his intoxicating pull is strong. He is calling. Always calling. Can you not hear him?” ~ Unknown, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Who We Are” memo (emphasis added)

What if Audrey’s soul is a combination of pieces of Henry and Joey’s souls, so she’s Henry and Joey’s daughter, but none of the three of them realize it?? As far as Joey knows, she's only his own kid (because he knows with 100% certainty that he put a piece of his own soul inside of her), but the Arch family figured out what changed for Joey to finally succeed at creating life (by the way, I saw someone in some YouTube comment section point out a long time ago that, if you translate “414” to the alphabet, it spells “dad…” Wowzah, the symbolism)???

“I believe there’s something special in all of us. With true inner strength, you can conquer even your biggest challenges. You just have to believe in yourself and remain honest, motivated, and above all, who you really are. Okay, let’s stop it right there. I can only do so many takes of this trash a day. And tell the guys in writing I want more use of the word ‘dreaming’ in every message. Keep railing on that, get it? Dreaming! Dreaming! Dreaming! People just eat up that kind of slop. Hmm, what? It’s still on? Well, turn it off, damn it!” ~ Joey Drew, Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 4 (emphasis added)

The Memory of Joey: Well, geez! You haven't gotten far! Audrey: Don't do that! Wait… how… how did you get in here? The Memory of Joey: Oh, I have my ways. So, tell me. How goes the journey? Audrey: Slow, but I'll get through. The Memory of Joey: Ah! I see you have your father's never quit, go-getter spirit. Audrey: Oh, now you knew my father. Well, news flash! I didn't even know my father… or my mother. Or anyone else in my family. The Memory of Joey: I see then. You've chosen to forget the past. I can understand that. Audrey: What are you talking about? The Memory of Joey: Look, I don't think you're ready for this, *pats her hand* but hang on to your lunch money. There's something I want to show you. *Starts using his teleportation powers* Audrey: Wait. What are you doing? The Memory of Joey: *Teleports her and himself to BATIM Chapter 1* Henry's Voice (echoing like it's supposed to be a memory): Alright, Joey. I'm here. Let's see if we can find what you wanted me to see. . . . The Memory of Joey: …It was then, Joey decided to make something new. Something he had always wanted, but he could never have: a family. But not a cartoon one. Something real. And after many, many tries, he created something that made him happier than he ever could have imagined: a wonderful, loving daughter. Bright and kind. Almost human. He created you, Audrey. Audrey: What? Are you crazy? The Memory of Joey: Listen, I know it's a lot— Audrey: —Who do you think you are? I wasn't born from some… machine! I'm flesh and blood. I'm not some kind of ink monster. The Memory of Joey: Just because we're born of darkness, doesn't mean we belong to it. We're always free to choose. To believe what we want to believe. Audrey: Take me back! Right now! I'm not listening to any more of your lies! The Memory of Joey: Remember who you are, Audrey. *Tries to take her hand again* Audrey: *Yanks her hand away* Leave me alone! The Memory of Joey: *Sighs and sends her back to the Downside Hotel*

“This may be my last chance to record a message, I’m pretty sure he saw me talking into this thing, He probably won’t let me keep it. Not much left to say except… Linda, I miss you and I love you so much. Coming back to this old place well… it kind of reminds me of how much I’ve gained. I feel like there are so many questions that need answering, so many things that don’t make any sense. If anyone hears this, if you make it out, don’t ever return, because the Ink Demon will find you.” ~ Henry Stein, Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 5 teaser audio log #3 (emphasis added)

Audrey: Why would you be a threat to them? Henry: I'm what they call a “Cyclebreaker.” Once upon a time, I knew how to start the cycle over. And when that happens, everything begins again. Completely new. Obviously, Wilson and the Keepers don't want that to happen. Audrey: How did you do it? Henry: Reset the cycle? It turns out the Ink Demon himself is the key. This world is his, but even he must obey its rules. For now at least. If you can get him to look at something very specific, it will reset everything. Audrey: What is it? Henry: It's just a reel of film, labeled with the words “The End.” I can see it in my mind, every day. They keep it upstairs in the Pit [where Heidi says the ghosts live and nobody ever comes out of. At least, never quite the same]. Audrey: I'll see if I can break in and steal it. Maybe, if I reset the cycle, we can make things better for everyone here. Henry: And what about you? Audrey: I just wanna go home. Henry: So did I.

(*Side-eyes that “even Bendy must obey the rules” comment hard*)

Was Audrey created from Joey’s hatred of being what Nathan Sr. forced him to be, his coping mechanisms, and his desires for a family and to be his true self (which comes out in her as wanting to be a real human being of flesh and blood with a normal family, even if that means she has to forget her real family), and Henry’s kindness, curiosity, compassion, perseverance, passion and talent for drawing, and desire to go back home to his family? Joey says in TIOL that he admired Henry’s smile, and I noted in my original analysis/theory that Joey’s smiles that people find unsettling don’t seem to be a sign of malice but instead that he’s going through some sort of suffering, usually related to Nathan Sr., that’s causing him to dissociate just like Bill from TLO does, so of course the newest Audrey’s smile – Henry’s genuine, kind, confident smile – would fill Joey’s heart with joy!!

“Who would have ever dreamed? In the declining years of my life, I have someone more precious to me than any piece of art I could make. When she laughs and smiles, it fills my heart so much it overflows. For all the evil that’s come from me, this is something finally good. We play and talk as we both learn from each other. There’s not much time so every moment has to count. Unlike my versions that came before her, the ones who called me their ‘uncle,’ I’m proud to have her call me ‘Dad.’ Because she is truly my daughter.” ~ Joey Drew, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “True Daughter” memo (emphasis added)

Before anyone says anything, it's for the very same aforementioned “broader pattern” reasons that I'm unconvinced Joey's motivations behind having the previous (implied “imperfect,” which I agree with others could mean “unable to live very long in the real world,” explaining in addition to Joey being very old and sickly the extreme focus on not having much time 😢💔) versions of her call him “Uncle Joey” were as selfish and cruel as they seemed. I feel like it was simply, once again, a way to cope with grief, as he does so often (and Audrey seems to have done generational trauma-style, once again, “choosing to forget” rather than mourning)… I think, in reality, he didn't mean that the other Audreys weren't good enough to call him “Dad,” but that he couldn't bear to have them call him “Dad” because he could tell they'd be gone soon and he needed that fact to hurt less, his thought process something like “of course I still care about my nieces, but losing them is less utterly devastating.”

Speaking of the memories, was anyone else weirded out by the way Wilson said that Nathan Sr. “only ever had time for the grand creatives of the world. The ‘doers,’ as he called them. How could his lowly son ever compete,” after that conspicuous comment from Nathan Sr. that he dislikes creative people, back in TIOL (I specifically noted this comment in my original analysis/theory because it sounded like he was indirectly ending his relationships with every other creative he's ever met specifically so that nobody would believe anyone who claims he looked down upon Joey)? And was anyone else disturbed by the fact that, in the very same room where Wilson went on his rant about how Nathan Sr. was beyond saving (definitely didn't sound like he meant physically 😬👿) before he got freaking shredded (still not over it 😵‍), we find a hotdog connected to Audrey's pleasant childhood with Joey and a final Nathan Sr. audio log where he talks about going on a lovely walk and eating a hotdog for the first time in a long time (no, this isn't implying that the memories are actually Wilson's; the achievement for getting them all is called “Self Discovery.” And, sorry MattyPatty, but I'm not buying “they're Tessa's because the Fashionable Men's Hat was in fashion in the 1930s but not the 1960s;” I didn't know or care what was actually considered fashionable as a little girl – I mean, I still don't, but I'm autistic and that's beside the point – I even called old clothes of my grandmothers' that they gave me to play dress-up with “fashionable/chic/etc.” If I was pretending to be fashionable, I could tell it was expensive, and/or I thought someone – especially my parents – looked good in something, I called it such things without question. Multiple memories make a point of saying how old and/or cheap they are, the Rubber Duck straight-up saying that it was “still dusted with the decay of old soap;” it sounds to me like Joey kept a lot of old/broken things in order to save money and possibly also go out in public as little as possible in order to stay off Nathan Sr.'s radar, his biggest exceptions being making memories with his baby girl)?

“I decided to go for a walk this morning. Took a little stroll down to the park. Enjoyed the warm sun for a while, found a quiet bench, even grabbed a hot dog. It's been ages since I've done that. Tessa would kill me if she knew I've been off my diet. When I got back to the office, I stopped by the animation department and said hello to the troops. My gosh, they're getting younger every day. Either that or I'm just getting older. It all made me realize time is moving on. The hard struggles don't seem as dire as they used to. Life has other value. I think, I'll go home early today. Maybe I'll even pick up a hot dog for Tessa.” ~ Nathan Arch Sr., Bendy and the Dark Revival, “The Bigger Things” audio log

Just this one scene in this one room felt like a big, flashing neon sign highlighting the stark contrast between Nathan Sr. and Joey's parenting. So much here is screaming to me that:

Nathan Sr. – who seems to have just chosen to be a monster of his own, perfectly sane and untraumatized free will – had been working hard to make observers believe he was a good father while neglecting The Favorite Son™ (Nathan Jr.) and abusing The Hated Bastard Son™ (Wilson) so horribly both emotionally and physically that not only was Wilson jealous of how much his dad liked people he just disliked and/or of anyone who got his dad's attention and approval by being used in his machinations, but he was also made into a social pariah (just like Walter and Joey) by the horrific injuries his father inflicted on him, making him look and sound so creepy. I think Nathan Sr. was relieved that day in 1973 when his intricate plans finally came to the fruition he was actually planning on and they found his least favorite son's dead body on the floor of his JDS museum; the hotdogs were a way to celebrate finally ridding himself and Tessa of Wilson for good (seriously, frick you, Nathan Sr. I'mma slug you and then hug and adopt both your sons; nobody deserves a dad as pure evil as you).

Joey – who was clearly forced to be the way he was for survival reasons – really, genuinely was trying to be a good uncle/dad to the Audreys, despite the mistakes he definitely made with them due to decades of being trapped in survival mode (and Audrey definitely loved him despite his flaws, which is probably why she's so willing to give Wilson a chance! Anyone notice the description of the Cracked Mug childhood memory? I… why are you making me tear up over a broken cup with a frowny face drawn on it?? Stop making me cry… 😭😭😭 Not only was Wilson trying to communicate what happened to him to her, but he was successful and she sees her dad in him and wants to help… Unfortunately, he ain't in the same place Joey was, anymore. His dad's Murder Puppet process worked, just as he feared; he's not the same person now as when he wrote The Mug and the Maiden, so she gets hurt for her kindness). He didn't want her to become like him, he wanted her to be safer and better able to move forward than he was, as seen in the memos signed “your best pal;” he fought for his daughter to not just survive, but joyfully thrive, taking her out for hotdogs just so that they could relax together on a Saturday.

“Every great story begins in mystery. Although things may be dark at the start, the truth will illuminate your way. Don’t be afraid of who you are. Fear only what you may become, and banish it away.” ~ “Your Best Pal” (heavily implied Bendy/Real Joey), Bendy and the Dark Revival, “The Beginning” and “Something Familiar” memos (emphasis added)

(The “Something Familiar” copy is literally found on the Memory of Joey’s bed which, as I said in Part Two, I think was actually Dapper Bendy’s.)

“Around here, it's just best to stay out of sight. Don't ever go running into some place if you don't know what's in there! If you attack a problem head on, you're going to find yourself in trouble. And that's just foolish! You gotta watch, listen, and when the time is right, push forward.” ~ “Your Best Pal” (heavily implied Bendy/Real Joey), Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Be Careful” memo

“Don't ever lose hope. When in doubt, the answer you seek is usually nearby. We all have dreams, ghosts in our past. But those ghosts can give us the path forward.” ~ “Your Best Pal” (heavily implied Bendy/Real Joey), Bendy and the Dark Revival, “White Rabbit” memo (emphasis added)

Back to the whole soul blending idea. If I'm right, this would all explain:

Why our Audrey could survive in the real world while the others couldn’t: they needed complete souls, but they only had part of Joey’s soul until part of Henry's escaped!!

What made Loop 414 different: Henry’s memories of the previous loops were erased because part of his soul had (genuinely, cause Joey seemed awfully surprised that something changed) accidentally slipped into the newest Audrey!!

The Memory of Joey saying A: that Audrey doesn’t have to be the Ink Demon anymore, making a big deal about how Audrey’s real and loved – the Ink Demon has the rest of Joey’s soul, he’s saying that she’s her own person and not either of her dads (while also making Joey sound like a selfish creep by passive-aggressively rubbing the fact that he was forced to be the monster he became in Real Joey’s face and also telling him that he’s unlovable trash unlike Audrey *stares at my notes on how Susie Campbell/Twisted Alice’s story parallels Joseph Dempsey/Joey Drew’s, again* but seeming like he's being a jerkwad to another one of his children, as @inkdemonapologist pointed out. So many reasons for Bendy to have crushed the life out of him, there) – and B: “just a pencil and a dream isn’t enough, you have to have heart” – not only does she need to keep choosing compassion to avoid going down the road Joey did, but Joey was The Dreamer, Henry was The Heart, and together they made a separate life!!

Why Wilson would A: describe Audrey's powers as “devilish” (they came partly from Joey, who is now the Ink Demon) and make a big deal about how the Ink Demon can't get into his lab (he knew that Bendy/Real Joey would 100% come to rescue his baby girl, if they were somewhere he was capable of entering. As he did at the end of the Shipahoy Wilson fight), and B: think that her soul would be powerful enough to create a deity that could defeat Bendy (she's also a descendant of the Third King of JDS, who left the kingdom) while also, apparently, not realizing that his own soul might be powerful enough, as well, and therefore never actually trying to kill Bendy himself (he tried to have his Keepers do it, remember? That's literally what those audio logs were all about); maybe this is how souls always work in the Bendyverse – everyone's souls are a combination of pieces of their parents', so Wilson's soul is partly Nathan Sr.'s, another one of the Three Kings of JDS (this might also explain why Henry, the Memory of Joey, Audrey, and Wilson are the only ink creatures we see who resemble humans; if the Memory of Joey is actually Nathan Sr., that means they all have Royal Souls, making them the most powerful beings in the Ink Dimension. Bendy/Real Joey is probably the way he is because A: he chose to be, B: Nathan Sr. forced him to be, or C: nobody had any choice in the matter because he was already bonded to the soulless Bendy body by the failed ritual performed way back in 1946) – but, as far as he knows, it only works that way for ink creatures…?

“Now I’m not lookin’ for trouble. It’s just the nature of us projectionists to seek out the dark places. You see, I’ve learned the ins and outs of this here studio. I know how to avoid being bothered by the likes of this… company. ‘That projectionist,’ they always say, ‘creeping around, he’s just lookin’ for trouble.’ Well trouble or not, I sees everything. They don’t even know when I’m watchin’. Even when I’m right behind ‘em.” ~ Norman Polk, Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 3 (emphasis added)

“‘Of course,’ Norman said to himself. He took another sip [of what was almost definitely ink]. ‘He says it like that, knowing that he's the one who brought this creature upon us. Of course. Of course.’ I felt cold then, like the temperature had dropped and it was winter. Like if I talked my breath would freeze. ‘What do you mean?’ But I knew what he meant. He meant the infirmary. The thing in the room with the locked door. The door I'd opened. I'd let it out. Me. It was all my fault. ‘What do you two know about the ink?’ Norman asked instead. ‘We know Sammy is obsessed with it,’ said Dot. ‘So not much then,’ said Norman. ‘How much do you know?’ I asked, trying to hold it together. ‘Everything.’” ~ Daniel “Buddy” Lewek, Dreams Come to Life, pg. 210-211 (emphasis added)

“I'm a fan of darkness. It just appeals to me. As old Norman would often say: people really become themselves when they're hidden in shadow. That creepy guy always had a story to tell about this place. But I think I've found a few narrow passages even he didn't know about. I can watch. I can listen. I can even steal. And no one ever sees me. I'm just a ghost, *giggles giddily* living in the walls, peering from the darkness. *Chuckles ominously*” ~ Grace Conway, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Dark Places” audio log (emphasis added)

Is Grace a combination of Norman and somebody else's souls (someone who's not at all in denial that they enjoy getting into mischief and ruffling people's feathers, clearly… roflolol what if it's Shawn?? What if him leaving JDS was also one of Nathan Sr.'s lies, so he really was the Top Hat Searcher Boss in BATIM??? Omigosh, I wanna meet Grace, she sounds fun 🤣 but also, poor Shawn 🥺), so just as much his daughter as Audrey is Henry and Joey's? Was she created from his desire to find secrets? She has a very similar voice to him and everything, goodness. And while we're back on the subject of dear old Norman, could he have become a personification of part of Wilson's psyche when he got addicted to that same ink that Sammy did (which would also support my “Wilson's not actually the ‘new evil’ in the Ink Dimension, it's Nathan Sr.'s soul” theory)…? Wilson seems to have a Royal Soul, after all; maybe that gave him the ability to work himself into the hivemind that thoroughly… “Wilson's always watching. He knows your purpose…”

Speaking of which, it sure looks to me like we got a whole heckuva lotta “Joey's the center of the hivemind and anyone infected with the right kind of ink becomes a personification of part of his psyche (otherwise, they just send/receive thoughts to/from him)” confirmation, besides that second paragraph of the “Who We Are” memo (especially if Porter really is Brant; he assisted us in escaping Freaky Teeth alongside all the freed Cyclebreakers in the end, I highly doubt he betrayed us).

“A new terror has descended into our lives: This man named Wilson. Ever since, our world feels strained, like a great beast held in chains. The Ink Demon hasn't been seen in a long time. Many of us refuse to believe he's really gone. But what does it matter? Down here, we're all sinners. Children of the Machine all have the Demon in our inky blood.” ~ Unknown, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Beast in Chains” memo (emphasis added)

“His eyes see all. His claws tear and thrash. His whispers turn your mind into dark, unspeakable trash. Listen for the heartbeat drone. Your doom is close at hand. The Ink Demon is both beast and lord. His powers, too vast for us to understand. Death is fast. Death is near. His reign will last beyond your fear.” ~ Unknown, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Lament” memo (emphasis added)

“The Dark Puddles awaken. A voice, a soul. The ink speaks to me. It whispers your secrets. Who are you? Tell me your sweet name, that I may devour it. My ink swells and boils. It consumes. I am the Ink Demon. This realm is mine. You were born from it. You belong to it. You cannot hide forever. I will find you. (After telling Porter her name) The deep abyss remembers you, Audrey. A child of the darkness.” ~ The Ink Demon, Bendy and the Dark Revival, ch. 2 (emphasis added)

(Anyone notice the implication there that not only does the very fact that Bendy can hear Audrey’s thoughts mean she has a soul, but also that the very fact that we can hear Bendy’s thoughts must mean he also has a soul inside of him now, by the way?)

“I see your mind as the truth unfolds. You will accept your fate before the end.” ~ The Ink Demon, Bendy and the Dark Revival, ch. 4 (emphasis added)

Wilson: The Demon's evil continues to spread. This world has began to shutter… The Ink Demon (literally interrupting her conversation with Wilson telepathically): He’s lying, Audrey. Audrey (whisper-shouting): Be quiet! Wilson: What did you say? Audrey: Nothing. It was nothing. Wilson: Hm. *Opens door to security checkpoint* Just a quick stop. Won't take but a moment.

Did Susie/Alice not mean that Bendy killed her, but that she knew Joey was the center of the hivemind, back in BATIM? And if so, did she find a way to cut herself off from him or did his power just become stronger when his human body died and his soul finally merged with his ink one, I wonder? It seems like people could only fully hear others' voices in their heads in BATDR; before that, you had to actually be inside the inkwell or else people's thoughts just popped into your head as if they were your own…

“*Alice voice* …Take this little freak for instance! He crawled in here… Trailing his tainted ink to my door! It could have touched me! It could have pulled me *Susie voice* back!! Do you know what it's like? Living in the dark puddles? *Alice voice* It's a buzzing, screaming well of voices! *Susie voice* Bits of your mind, swimming… like… like fish in a bowl! *Alice voice* The first time I was born from its' inky womb, I was a wriggling, pussing, shapeless slug. The second time… well… *Susie voice* It made me an angel! I will not let the demon touch me again. I'm so close now. So… almost perfect… *Dreamy sigh*” ~ Susie Campbell/Twisted Alice, Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 3 (emphasis added)

Back to the soul children thing. I wonder if even Alan/Allen Gray/Grey (who can't even spell his name consistently. Yes, I'm mad about it. Jiminy Christmas, my guy) could be one of these “children of the darkness/Machine,” born of its ghosts?

“So we're looking at quite the job here! Walls come out, pipes go in… dang walls go back in again! It's like banging your head on a rock over and over and over. The first time, it hurts to heck. The hundredth time, well… you just don't think much about it. That's what it's like working for Mr. Joey Drew. At first you feel that bad pain in your gut that you're doing something very wrong. But after a time, when the dust settles, and Joey has played his cards, you just learn to go with it. Bit of your soul dies with each pipe you put in.” ~ Thomas Connor, Bendy and the Dark Revival, teaser audio log dated November 12th, 1943 (emphasis added)

“‘I'm not leaving until I get what's mine,’ Tom said as Mister Drew stared him down. . . . ‘I want my patent back,’ Tom said right to Mister Drew's face. They were practically nose-to-nose. Or more like, nose-to-chin. . . . ‘It's my machine, Drew, it's mine.’” ~ Daniel “Buddy” Lewek, Dreams Come to Life, pg. 247 and 248 (emphasis added)

“Joey, Sorry, it's been a while since my last letter. Been Busy with work at Archgate Films. The Studio ordered another sequel! So I have been spending many hours in the recording booth again! It's fun though. Tom is doing good, thanks for asking. He's always tinkering or something. Mostly he's still upset about someone stealing one of his dusty inventions from your old studio. He'll get over it. Have a good New Year, Joey. I'll send you another recipe soon. Warm Regards,” ~ Allison Connor (formerly Pendle), Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 5 (emphasis added)

(No, Allison, I don't believe he ever will get over it, rofl.)

“To Grant Cohen, accounting: Please inform Mr. Drew that despite his insistence that the rumors of Joey Drew Studios going bankrupt are untrue, I want to remind him that if his studio does indeed fail, all equipment and experiments produced through our partnership, by contract, belong to the Gent Corporation. We will reclaim these assets forcibly if necessary.” ~ Alan/Allen Gray/Grey (he spells his name “Alan Gray,” here), Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Gent Property” memo (emphasis added)

Could he be a combination of Tom and somebody else's souls (someone more privileged, with money, power, and a college education… Could be Allison, I guess… but also maybe Bertrum, or Nathan Sr…? Something tells me that ghosts gravitate towards ghosts who complement/complete the part of their parent that they embody to form new souls with), so actually his son, created from his desire to get his effing inventions out of JDS's hands (there's that very specific technicality I mentioned, back in Part Two), and perhaps altered by Nathan Sr. to create a new villain to distract us from himself (he's clearly not against doing that to his own sons, so… Also, this would support my “Wilson's not actually the ‘new evil’ in the Ink Dimension, it's Nathan Sr.'s soul” theory, too… The Memory of Joey was the one who retrieved the End Reel from the Pit, by the way. Remember? Audrey never gets to go inside)?

“We've hit rock bottom. No doubt about it. By all accounts, I don't even know how this studio is still going at all. If you follow the money, you just hit a big old brick wall! Well, let me tell you, blank ledgers, spare cash, Weird amounts that plain just don't add up. There's still income finding its way onto the books, but for the life of me, I can't figure out where it's all coming from. Though the obvious answer is that Gent is privately pouring in some funds. And truth be told, they really creep me out. Especially that Mister Gray. He doesn't seem to be motivated by money, and he sure as heck ain't telling us what he's REALLY after. You just can't trust someone like that.” ~ Grant Cohen, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Strange Money” audio log (emphasis added)

Something tells me we shouldn't be looking at the obvious answer. I can think of someone else right off the bat who “sure as heck ain't telling us what he's REALLY after” and we know for a fact that Joey has audibly nervously begged for money from, before…

“It’s been quite a struggle to put this into words, Nathan. After so many years, you know I’d never ask unless it was dire. But when a man’s in a spot, he should call upon his friends. Truth is… well, the studio is… *slight tremor in voice* coming up a little short. Hit a few unexpected bumps. If you could… lend us the amount I mentioned in my last letter *inhale* it would be a big help to me… Hope this reaches you in South America. You and Tessa enjoy your vacation.” ~ Joey Drew, Boris and the Dark Survival

…and I think we just figured out what Mr. Gray/Grey's true motivations are by figuring out where they came from… Could being the second of Audrey's kind, “born of ink but living in flesh,” be why he seems to understand how to make things cross dimensions…??

“The future has arrived. I just didn't know it would get here so soon. Some of the stuff that's coming out of Gent doesn't follow any of the rules of physics that I know. Hard to believe they started out as a brick laying company once upon a time. Nowadays, we have all the modern conveniences and, worse yet, the headaches. Take that ID Card machine they've got at the door. You don't bring your ID, you ain't gettin’ to work. So I started putting my ID Card on my nightstand in my room at the Downside Hotel. It's not the safest place, but at least I know where it is.” ~ Eugene Lloyd, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Daily Headache” memo (emphasis added)

Y'know, I find it incredibly suspicious how one of the secret endings reveals Audrey to be in an insane asylum, unlocked if you collect all the copies of TIOL (the biggest source of info on Nathan Sr.'s abusiveness towards Joey) that are scattered around the studio and then staring into the colored ink in Wilson's (the biggest source of info on Nathan Sr.'s machinations) lab. They're clearly tryna nudge us towards thinking Audrey might be a fan with an unhealthy parasocial relationship with Joey (the achievement for unlocking it is titled “The Insane Reader”)… but how many times have I said that anyone who might be an info leak or even just displeases Nathan Sr. seems to get disappeared mafia-style? What better way, if she couldn't be trapped in the Ink Dimension with everyone else, to simultaneously silence and torment Joey's only family member than by fabricating a different, more believable life story for her and getting her committed?

I wonder how many of the many more audio logs/memos/etc. there are in this version of the studio – many of which seem outlandish and surreal even in the context of the rest of the series – may have also been made up by the souls of the series' scapegoats/etc. in attempt to call our attention to the discrepancies and reveal the truths?

“Something funny's going on around here. Call me suspicious if you wanna, but I know the signs of weirdness when I see ‘em. Don't get me wrong, we've always had visitors around the studio, but lately we're getting just one kind of visitor in particular: Gent Corporation Employees. Tons of ‘em. They're working in the hallways, ripping up the floors, taking the best toilets, you can't even get near the Little Devil Lounge these days! It's starting to feel less like an animation studio around here, and more and more like some crazy scientist's laboratory. It's just plain weirdness.” ~ Lance Derby, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Weirdness” audio log (emphasis added)

(Hm… Sounds an awful lot like Constance's comment on the potential dangers of “innocuous strangeness” I brought up in Part Two… 👀)

“This old town [Lost Harbor?] really has changed ever since that big Gent Building went up. Yesterday, I took a trip over to the Farmer's Market, and they had the whole dang street ripped up! It was like a large hole had just plain swallowed the sidewalk. Men were going in and out with strange iron tools. Kind of looked like they were installing some kind of tunnel under the road. Pipes just everywhere! Pete behind the produce counter was just shaking his head. ‘They're up to no good,’ he kept sayin’. ‘You'll see. This is how it always starts.’ I think old Pete might be right. But I don't like to dismiss people just on rumors. Only time will tell, I suppose.” ~ Kitty Thompson, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Trouble Town” audio log (emphasis added)

“I heard some of the workers from down the hall last night talking about storming Joey Drew's office. They were using some colorful language, banging their fists on the tables and chairs. It was the same bunch who whistled at me yesterday. Things must be getting serious. That accountant, Grant Cohen, just walks from his desk down to the men's room and back all day. Over and over again, gripping his stomach. Kind of green in the gills. I can't tell if something he ate isn't agreeing with him, or if he just can't take the pressure anymore. Joey's got a plan, he keeps saying, Gent is making something special. I really hope he's right. I may just be a secretary, but this place has a magic I don't want to see end.” ~ Sally Newt, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Getting Serious” memo (emphasis added)

Are the children of the Machine straight-up trying to tell us that A: Nathan Sr. is (genuinely) editing Mr. Gray/Grey into the story as yet another one of his many Decoy Villains for us to hate and pursue instead of him, B: in real-life, Grant was infected with ink (as the audio log in the version of his office in BATIM suggests he was) in order to disappear him for figuring out what Nathan Sr. was doing through the financial records, and C: Joey meant for the Ink Dimension to be salvation for people like Grant (like I suggested in Part Two)?? Wow…

While I'm still on the subject, I think I might know who a couple of other characters are the soul children of. I think Steve is the son of Wally and Tom, and Heidi is the daughter of Allison and Susie (sorry, SuperHorrorBro, but I don't believe Porter and Heidi are previous Audrey versions. Besides the “Who We Are” memo spelling out what “child of the darkness/Machine” actually means, the “True Daughter” memo implies that all of Joey's previous attempts at creating a child were daughters, Porter would be a son and Bendy calling Audrey “the daughter of Drew” as if there's genuinely only one – why the actual heck would he say that if he's not Real Joey and considers himself “one of the children of Drew?” Shouldn't he be giving his sister Heidi the same honor he, himself, wants but was denied, just like she was? That doesn't make sense, which Wilson explains to us is a sign that something was Nathan Sr.'s doing in some way – along with the way Audrey and Betty talk about Betty being “one in a long line of failed experiments” as if Wilson continuing to try and get her to come out the way she was supposed to is a good thing that's going to positively impact her eventually implies that all the Audreys were the same piece of Joey's soul reincarnated. Also, Porter says that he “learned” his powers, and there was a delay between the hivemind speaking to Audrey and her using her default powers for the first time, but zero delay between Porter and Heidi giving her their powers [which Porter does by taking Audrey’s hand like the Memory of Joey does when trying to get her to accept the entire so-called “retconning story” as truth, and Heidi does by touching Audrey’s face like the Memory of Joey does when using his teleportation powers on her, which suggests that this was how they were given to them…] and her using them. I think that A: the Memory of Joey gave Porter and Heidi their powers to push us towards believing that Real Joey was a cruel uncle/father who discarded the failed Audreys when he got sick of taking care of them [I wonder… could Porter's seemingly randomly dubbing Audrey “Bobby,” leading her to describe their interaction as “weird” – which can be another sign of Nathan Sr.’s interference or a sign of Wilson's warning riddles – was a message from Wilson, trying to highlight both his dad's “Fake Siblings” plan and the fact that Audrey's desire to be a normal human stems from Joey's desire to be his true self rather than the monster that Nathan Sr. forced him to be? 👀👀 And, by the way, did anyone notice that Porter, Heidi, and the Memory of Joey's powers are all travel-based?? 👀👀👀 Sounds to me like the Memory of Joey meant it when he said he has his “ways,” plural], B: Audrey just had her default powers automatically because she has a Royal Soul, but they didn't awaken until she wanted them [no, not “needed.” That Searcher outright tells us we don't need to kill them and, from my and my brother's playthrough, you can literally play your whole game without them ever leaving that spot, even if you fight Lost Ones right next to them. I think this moment is further symbolism for Audrey leaning on her dad's coping mechanisms generational trauma-style and the fact we actually do have a choice between cruelty and compassion], and C: Audrey, herself, as a benevolent ruler, is considered a gift from the two main users of the hivemind/Dark Puddles – Wilson and Bendy/Real Joey – by many inhabitants of the Ink Dimension. “And from the hallowed darkness, from the wretched abyss, a savior comes at last,” as Wilson says), created from their playful, lovey-dovey sides…

“These guys down at the warehouse get to play games all day while I'm stuck cleaning up after ‘em. They keep locking themselves out of their own back room. So I says to ‘em, ‘look guys,’ I says, ‘you're smart, right? Here's an idea! Why not rig these games to knock open the door if ya win? It'll be fun for you guys, and it saves me the trip down here every day.’ They went for it like a dog to pot roast. I tell ya! If these guys don't start realizing who the real genius is, I'm outta here.” ~ Wally Franks, Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 4

“So here we are! Another big day at Joey Drew Studios! Lot more people running around here these days. But for me, it's the same old dirty floors they've always been! Just more feet messing them up now! The only [new] feet I don't mind tromping around here are Miss Campbell's. She's good to me! I'll make sure I empty her garbage every day just to see how she's doing. Speaking of which, I heard her talking with Sammy the other day. If I didn't know better, I'd say there was magic there. But who am I to judge? I think they saw me looking though… So I just tipped my hat and said: ‘See you later!’ … ‘I'm outta here!’” ~ Wally Franks, Bendy and the Dark Revival teaser audio log dated March 5th, 1933 (emphasis added)

“I thought of Mr. Connor. Gruff, rough-around-the-edges Mr. Connor. Was he the manager? I thought he was, but he couldn't be, could he? Not if this elegant creature was the manager's partner.” ~ Bill Chambers, Bendy: The Lost Ones, pg. 204 (emphasis added)

“‘We aren't in your studio right now, are we?’ replied Tom. There was no way Mister Drew could physically intimidate this man. Tom wasn't burly and bear-like like Bertrum Piedmont. He was more wall-like. Still Mister Drew grabbed him by the elbow and through clenched teeth said: ‘The hallway. Now.’ ‘Come on, Tom, no need to make a scene,’ said Allison with a warm voice, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. Tom allowed them to escort him to the pink lobby…” ~ Daniel “Buddy” Lewek, Dreams Come to Life, pg. 247-248 (emphasis added)

“First week on the job at the Gent Workshop, and I can tell already this'll be interestin’. ‘Think you can lift this still girder?’ they asked me with a smug smile. I didn't even bother to answer. Just picked the whole thing up with one hand. You should have see the wee men drop their jaws. All in all, I've noticed this building just ain't built for someone my size. Every time I walk by the workshop shelves, the tools all fall to the floor. That and I gotta bend down for every doorway in the place. Still, there are some positives to workin’ here. Take that new secretary, the shy little one with the blonde locks, the one who follows around Mister Gray. I'm pretty sure she's been giving me and my muscles the eye. But I ain't no smooth talker. A work-worn man such as myself, ain't got no business with a woman that fine.” ~ Steve McGregor, Bendy and the Dark Revival, “New Job” audio log

“Allison just smiled her dazzling smile that made me melt a little, even though the scene was making me incredibly tense. ‘We'll talk about that in the morning, Joey. Come on, dear.’ She gave Tom a little push on his shoulder, and evidently she could move mountains because once again he gave in and took a step back.” ~ Daniel “Buddy” Lewek, Dreams Come to Life, pg. 248 (emphasis added)

“Who would've thought? Me having lunch with Joey Drew! Apparently times are tougher than I thought. For a moment there, I though I'd be stuck with the check. But I gotta say, he wasn't at all what I expected. Quite the charmer. He even called me Alice. I liked it.” ~ Susie Campbell, Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 3 (emphasis added)

“So turns out it's my lucky day! I got to cleaning some of the offices around 2 am last night. And what do ya think I find on one of the chairs? A big freaking chocolate cake. Just sitting there! Practically yelling my name! You know, I work hard! I earn my pay. Every darn dollar. But you know what this company's missing? Little, benefiting perks. And this here cake? It's a perk! Hopefully no one finds out what I done. Cause if they did, I can tell ya what would happen. I'm outta here.” ~ Wally Franks, Bendy and the Ink Machine, ch. 5 (emphasis added)

“The Keepers have taken my friend! Locked him away like some animal! Just cause he's big and strong. But they don't need to fear him! No! If they just make sure to feed him on time, Big Steve won't ever hurt a fly! He loves the food from the ‘Little Devil Lounge’ best. If only someone would take the long road back through the sewers, climb up the elevator shaft, and seek out his favorite thumping delicacy. Then they would see how harmless he really is!” ~ Unknown (heavily implied Heidi), Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Feeding Time” memo

“*Alice voice* …But for now, let's have fun. Plenty of time for a bloodbath later. Ooh! How about a game? Let's all play a game of riddles! *Susie voice* Riddles? *Gasps* Oh, what a wonderful idea!” ~ Susie Campbell/Twisted Alice, Bendy and the Dark Revival, ch. 5 (emphasis added)

“But… but first! May we play a game? Oh, I love to play games! I like hide and seek best.” ~ Heidi, Bendy and the Dark Revival, ch. 4

(…Anyone notice this ink message we see right before we hear Freaky Teeth Bendy's voice for the first time? 👀)

My gosh, no wonder Heidi and Steve are so flipping cute (I may actually have a new romantic ship, that's rare for me), roflol. Also, remember what I said about ghosts gravitating to ghosts who complement/complete the part of their parent they embody to form new souls with? *Stares at my notes on how it seems like Nathan Sr. was secretly driving a wedge between Tom and Wally the exact same way he secretly drove a wedge between Henry and Joey: through lies and sabotage* Something tells me that Nathan Sr. could tell our dear Mr. Inventor and Mr. Janitor would be a good team and too difficult to control if he allowed them to get along.

Anyways, now that I'm excitedly vibrating over all those prospects, let's return our focus to Allison's so-called “story retcon.” I really, really, really dislike how the Memory of Joey seems to be trying to convince us that one of the most critical pieces in noticing the similarities between the story of Joey, Allison, and Susie and the story of Walter, Arthur, and Isabel, and therefore in arousing suspicion that Nathan Sr. had orchestrated both situations was never involved in any of the previous stories she appears in at all except for BATIM, specifically, in a completely different way as just a character that Joey edited in decades after the fact, based on someone he'd just recently met; that's suspicious as heck and very reminiscent of Nathan Sr.'s erasure of Lottie's existence in TIOL. And, especially after my further thoughts on TLO inspired by The Mug and the Maiden, I wonder if not only was I right about Henry being murdered to punish Joey for contacting him (and him for responding like the good friend he is), but there's also another story that hadn't occurred to me despite noticing that Allison seemed to have started waking up from Nathan Sr.'s trance in between DCTL and TLO… Did Allison and Tom also get murdered, as punishment for Allison's deciding to try and be a proper friend to Joey rather than continuing to be Nathan Sr.'s pawn in the aftermath of Henry's murder (I wouldn't be surprised if it was straight-up the last straw for her… Nathan Sr. certainly could've used her as a spy in whatever other animation studio he worked at after he left JDS when he realized Joey was thinking about calling him for help, so maybe she knew Henry and liked him like everyone else – minus Nathan Sr. lol – who knew him seemed to… Now, he was gone, and she was just as devastated as Joey)?? Was she, indeed, able to see the good in Joey that even he couldn't see (because he was being eaten alive by guilt in his old age), as a fellow reformed abuse-victim-turned-abuser (when I first read DCTL and TIOL, not yet having read TLO, I thought the way she said “we’ll talk about that in the morning, Joey,” when he tried to fire her sounded like she knew full well about the true nature of her Pretend Boss and True Boss' relationship and really meant “we'll talk after Nathan Sr. puts you in your place, tonight…” Maybe I was right 😬)? She certainly tried to do that for Susie Campbell/Twisted Alice…

“Dear Alice, I don't know if you will read these notes, but I'll keep leaving them for you. I hope someday you'll understand my words and the madness will fade from your mind. In this strange and dark place, we can find light and purpose. We are not left to just wander alone, craving beauty, power, and other meaningless things. Even the heart of someone feeling incomplete, can discover joy. We're not lost. We're merely waiting to be found. We are so much alike. Formed from the same mold. We're like sisters, you and me. I wish you comfort and the wisdom to let your heart melt into happiness. I won't give up trying to reach you before it's too late.” ~ “A Friend” (heavily implied Allison Angel), Bendy and the Dark Revival, “Two of a Kind” memo

…so why not for Joseph Dempsey/Joey Drew? In fact, why not for Wilson, yet another abuse-victim-turned-abuser?

Allison: Are you crazy? Wilson's our enemy. Audrey: Do you even know him? Have you even talked to him? Allison: I've seen what he's done. That's good enough for me. Audrey: Look, it sounds like he has a plan to kill the Ink Demon. I think he can help us all! I just… I just need to go back and hear him out. Allison: Well, if it's true. You'll both need as much help as you can get. The Ink Demon won't go down without a fight. Tom and I will gather some of our friends. Anyone who's left. Good luck, Audrey. Audrey: Thank you, Allison.

This is turning out to be quite the support group, ain't it? Also, hm, sounds familiar, again…

“That big question. Why? The biggest of all the ‘W’ questions, I have found over my years, and often the hardest to answer. Especially when the why disguises itself as something else.” ~ Joey Drew, The Illusion of Living, pg. 21 (emphasis added)

“‘What?’ The most used of the ‘W’ questions, and I think the most useless…” ~ Joey Drew, The Illusion of Living, pg. 33

Speaking of which, it makes zero sense for “Cyclebreaker” to mean “someone who's capable of resetting the loop” as Henry claims when the Memory of Joey specifically said that Wilson, in preventing the resets, was “freezing the cycle.” The time loop cycle is supposed to keep resetting, that's literally the entire reason it's called a “cycle.” Why would all of these characters be potential cycle reset-ers in the way Henry says, anyways? Bertrum's ink form doesn't even have legs or hands like Henry, Sammy, Susie, and Norman's do; he can't even leave where he's supposed to be without being subjected to destructive force like he apparently was in order to remove his head from the octopus ride and put him in the Cyclebreaker prison, forget playing the End Reel. Y'know what all the Cyclebreakers do have in common, if my theories are correct? They could've broken that other cycle I mentioned in my original analysis/theory: Sammy, Susie, and Bertrum all became personifications of different parts of Joey's psyche and by extension are symbolic of how trauma often causes people to cause the same trauma in others, so they could've broken the cycle of trauma/abuse by choosing not to inflict their own trauma on others like Joey did; Norman was a habitual eavesdropper/etc., so he could've broken that cycle by hearing/seeing things he wasn't supposed to and using that knowledge to get the truth out and find Joey help, much like Wilson did in his youth; and Henry was Joey's dearest, truest friend, his Shoulder Angel, who he reached out to for help in the guilt-stricken latter years of his life, so he could've helped Joey to break the cycle himself if he hadn't been fricking murdered as punishment for trying…

…Did anyone notice that, right after telling her all about how they serve and were created by Wilson, the Keepers suddenly decided that Audrey was too dangerous and they needed to just gas her then and there when she asked them to take her to Wilson because he wanted her to find him…?? And how, when she escaped the gas chamber, they specifically sounded an alarm for access to the Cyclebreakers to be cut off…???

Something tells me that:

There's a reason that not only are these creatures referred to as “Wilson's Keepers,” but it's also only safe to be around them when Wilson is: the son may have created them, but the father Arch gave them orders to ensure that the son continues obeying and remove anyone who might genuinely help him recover from what he did to him from the picture, one way or another…

There's a reason that everyone thinks “Cyclebreaker” means what they think it means: to throw everyone off the scent of its true meaning.

The fact that the Memory of Joey wants the cycle to keep restarting and the potential Cyclebreakers think that the resets are a good thing is both A: symbolic of the fact that Nathan Sr. loves perpetuating the cycle of trauma/abuse by orchestrating situations where he can cause his old Murder Puppets to create new ones who are just as or more brutal while still thinking they're in the right, and B: another hint towards the End Reel having been created by Nathan Sr. in his twisting of the Ink Dimension from the heavenly paradise that Joey dreamed of into the hellish prison that he, himself, now relishes; mayhaps the secret Grayscale Ending, if it exists, will also involve destroying the blasted thing?

Frick. You. Nathan Sr. I. Hate. You. So. Much.

Wanna read about some more highly suspicious songs I found and my concluding thoughts on BATDR's default ending? Those are in Part Four!

To Read the Original Analysis/Theory: Part One • Part Two • Part Three • Unexpected Part Four

[blazehedgehog]

I kinda see what you're saying critique-wise, but I do think you're being a tad harsh. I'm an old FF7 fan, and fan of turn based rpg's as well, but most of the changes I'm privy too seem to make sense. I have yet to see that ending (I won't until I play it) but the new battle system, the art style, everything I've seen in trailer and demo feels... Familiar but new, and I take that as a positive. I already have FF7, just a graphics upgrade doesn't matter too much to me. I like getting more stuff.

I feel like I have been cautiously accepting of most of Final Fantasy VII Remake over time. I don’t love the changes they’ve made, but I haven’t ever, like, written the game off or anything. Even when it came to the battle system, while I wasn’t a fan of some of the decisions after playing the demo, I watched other people play it to gain further insight on what I might be missing.

To say I am being “a tad harsh” is to judge me on the standards of knee-jerk reactionary internet fan boys, when my opinion is a little more nuanced than that.

I have always tried to give this game the benefit of the doubt at every single possible step of this process despite vocalizing my distaste for every decision they’ve made so far because I am a crazy Final Fantasy VII mark. I am even considering breaking my normal rule of “Wait until a sale” to buy FF7 Remake when it comes out, because I’d like to write a review for it.

(Unfortunately, I have two reviews on the docket already, so I’m still mulling the decision over in my head.)

Here’s the deal: changes don’t have to bother me. It’s pretty much expected that, if they are remaking the game, there will be changes. There were changes to Resident Evil 1, 2 and 3 when they remade them. It’s kind of what you do.

It’s just, like I said in this ask…

There’s nothing wrong with broadening your appeal, you just can’t sell off the soul of your product for it.

But then, what is the soul of Final Fantasy? I don’t know if I can answer that. A couple months ago, I stopped and looked back on the entire franchise and realized I only really like four Final Fantasy games out of a total of 15.

I have personally played FF1-9, played a demo and watched a complete Let’s Play of FF10, played a demo of FF13, on top of watching a complete Let’s Play of FF13-2, and over half of Lightning Returns. I also played a multiple different demos of FF15, including the one that’s just the opening 2-3 hours of the game.

To get deeper in to the weeds, I finished Final Fantasy 1 on the GBA and it instantly became my favorite Final Fantasy. I played about halfway through FF2, also on the GBA, before getting bored with its bland characters and clumsy battle system. A friend gave me his copy of FF3 on DS, and I played it for about an hour before deciding I wasn’t in the mood at the time. I have yet to be in the mood. 

I have finished FF4 on both SNES and DS. I have fond memories of the DS version despite the fact it is almost unfairly hard at points. I played the fan-translated version of FF5 on SNES up to the third map before deciding I didn’t care about any of the characters or the world – again, very by the books, though I suppose on some level it wrote some of those books.

I made it up to the final boss of Final Fantasy 6 on GBA just last year, fought it once and lost. Decided I was too unimpressed by the rest of the game to try it a second time. That was definitely a game whose zeitgeist outweighed the game’s actual quality. I did not hate it, but I definitely didn’t fall in love with it. I am an acquaintance at best.

I put 100+ hours in to Final Fantasy 7 from 1997-1999. I did nearly everything in that game, by myself, without a guide. I pushed most of my party to level 99, learned all their limit breaks, got all but one master materia, defeated all of the weapons, and even engineered a materia setup that let me cast Knights of the Round in an endless loop for zero MP. I destroyed that game front to back, inside and out.

I played Final Fantasy 8 up to around the start of the second disc (when you get the first “airship”), and could not tolerate the disjointed story or the awful characters any more than that. I’ve never looked back. I played Final Fantasy 9 up to the third disc via Blockbuster rentals, but at some point some gremlin decided to destroy the third disc, rendering the game unplayable on my machine. I enjoyed what I experienced, but I never saw how it ended.

I do not think of FFX fondly. Or anything related to FF13. Or FF15. That final FF15 demo feels like it has dialog written by a space alien failing to approximate earth language, and I got bored of it long before the demo itself ended. A friend has been nagging me for years to play FF12, and I have it on Switch now, but I haven’t had the time to start it.

Regardless, I have played a lot of Final Fantasy, and I only really like 1, 4, 7 and I guess 9. I have definitely wrestled with the idea that maybe Final Fantasy just isn’t for me as a series.

But at the same time: Final Fantasy almost WAS for me, at one point, and the fact that they keep straying further and further and further away from what I liked about the series means it’s valid for me to be bummed out about it. You’re welcome to like it for what it is, but it doesn’t mean I have to.

And Final Fantasy VII Remake definitely makes changes in line more with where modern Final Fantasy as a series has gone. That’s my whole problem.

[nautilusopus]

Serious non-troll: What if you like the cop-outs and the scrambled bullshit plots and the nonsense towers of half-constructed ideas? I agree that for example Nomura is a goddamn crazy person but I find his convulsions fascinating and want to see more of them.

i mean, you’re entirely within your rights to do that. it’s just frustrating that there’s visibly no effort put into any of it, and he’s just writing for the sake of what makes the trailer look good, and that’s been 100% to the detriment of the story ever since he’s started doing it

i’m not even inherently opposed to ridiculous convoluted bullshit. i’m one of those pretentious fuckheads that unironically likes End of Evangelion and thinks it made perfect sense, obviously, duh, with all its absolute nonsense of adam and lilith and rei being a god-analogue from absorbing both the white and black seeds and allowing shinji to dictate the ultimate outcome of third impact in the culmination of a couple of really fucking long and extremely obtuse character arcs. i mean, hell, i’m 38 chapters into a fic that is running off nothing but weird high-concept ideas of how reality and parallel universes work and abstract metaphor andsleep deprivation. in any other circumstances, i’m fine with convoluted batshit nonsense.

i think the best way to explain the heart of the issue is to look at what happened to the matrix trilogy. or actually wait this is tumblr, everyone’s in high school and would’ve been foetuses or something when Revolutions came out. homestuck, then. we’ll look at homestuck. 

okay so homestuck. remember when that was as big as it was? initially, the big stumbling block was the slow pace of act 1 where john just kind of fucks around throwing glass at clown dolls for a while and if you weren’t into that kind of humour that was where the comic immediately lost you, but what ultimately got the ball rolling was [S] WV: Ascend. the general metric back then was if you weren’t hooked by that one, you wouldn’t like homestuck at all, and for many people that was the point of no return. the reason WV: Ascend was as big of a deal as it was is that we’ve been seeing a bunch of disconnected nonsense happening all over the place, and this is the first time we see our first major time loop actually closed, with the promise of a few more being set up. all that supposed joke nonsense we’d been watching the whole time? it actually mattered, surprise! from there, the narrative spends a lot of time introducing a lot of new concepts – we have captchaloguing and paradox slime, and time travel, and doomed timelines, and exiles and future versions of planets from a parallel universe the metanarrative being perpetuated by the author being diagetic and fuck knows what other things i’m forgetting about. and then, to throw you for a loop twelve whole other characters show up on top of that. so then the narrative needs to spend time establishing who these people are and what their relevance to the story is – which it does, by having them be active participants in the first arc as things go on. this ultimately culminates in [S] Cascade, where we see all these different concepts eventually tie into one another because they were deliberately set up to, and it’s at that point that you figure, well shit we’ve hit a point where all the time travel stuff has finally come to a head. and with it, you’d expect it to also bring all the character stuff to a head too, but instead hussie has an entire extra act to go so we can’t have that resolve yet. 

so in the meantime, here are 20-ish whole other characters doing some other things. but we don’t have time to establish what’s effectively the silmarillion by now, so we have to speed past it, meaning we aren’t given a chance to care about these new people. but we can’t have a chance to care about them either, because we still have to tie all this into 5 whole previous acts that are meant to feed into this. at this point, homestuck is visibly collapsing under its own weight. character arcs are forced to fart around in circles because the status quo can’t change because we still need to make it to endgame with these character dynamics more or less intact. but that’s boring to read so we’ll do this entire “what if” thing and then retcon it all out of existence, and then have the fact that you can retcon things suddenly become vital to the resolution of the coming in place of anything we’ve already established previously – not the time travel, not the parallel universe with the trolls, not even the whole thing with the Scratch leading to the alpha kids being here in the first place – when the mechanic was only introduced in the first place to sloppily patch a story together that had long since devolved into infodumps that served to paint hussie further and further into a corner as he was forced to define his lore to get the plot to keep moving forward despite the fact that the narrative wasn’t focusing properly on the people that could make that happen anymore because the story had since switched focus from those people almost entirely. 

and in the meantime the damn thing got eaten up by filler, and suddenly characters from that filler are showing up like they were totally relevant to the main story the whole time even though literally nothing they did in their own subplot had any direct bearing on the story at large, unlike the initial 12 trolls. why yes, Alternate Universe Calliope was a completely necessary addition to the story! didn’t you see our important sidestory thing where they do Stuff, and then her showing up in the climax to resolve some other things that are sorta disconnected from the main plot anyway?

not to mention the shipping. nothing ruins a story faster than throwing in a love triangle or eight, and then immediately invalidating all the character growth that happened on top of that anyway by having it literally never happen. not that it would’ve mattered anyway, because remember, we never actually got to have any of this really developed to begin with. 

by the time we hit end of act 6, there’s been so many new concepts haphazardly stapled onto the story and so many threads brought up and discarded entirely when we already established back with [S] Cascade that the story works best when they actually do this and it is doable, that it stops being merely complicated and off the wall, and starts being spread too thin, incomprehensible, and ultimately no longer part of a whole narrative deliberately comprised of interlocking storylines. shit’s just kinda happening at you, and rather than getting to see parts of a text interacting as a result of them coming from somewhere for the express purpose of then going to somewhere, you’re just being asked to accept that, yup, that’s a thing that’s going on right now. neato. sure is some stuff happening and whatnot. and in the end, for all that posturing, it didn’t even do anything. in pre-cascade homestuck that wouldn’t have even been a full flash. a bunch of nonsense happens, and then They Fightan Good, and then it’s over and there’s not a single time paradox or meta-interaction to be found. none of the stuff they built up to over all these years mattered, and neither did any of the stuff they just threw in, either. 

i’m sure you see what i’m getting at with this. 

(also he treats the women in his stories like shit and quite frankly i’m sick of it and even more sick that people keep giving him a pass for it because it’s practically reached parody levels at this point , so there’s that)

i have no problem with convoluted twisty bullshit in and of itself. but it has to accomplish something aside from just existing, and nomura doesn’t do that. by his own admission, kingdom hearts wasn’t planned, and it shows really badly. characters and entire story mechanics and plot lines are introduced solely for the sake of introducing them. they don’t go anywhere or build to anything, because they can’t, because fuck we have to stall for kh3 shhhh just keep adding more soras and hopefully no one will notice. i think the last time any of this actually mattered was kh2, and even that had a lot of the issues i’ve mentioned here. as a result of all of this, the character arcs suffer a lot, and you’re left with nothing but a big ball of plot twists that goes nowhere, and a bunch of characters that only somewhat have anything to do with any of it. 

i don’t feel like it’s overly nitpicky to find this kinda gross and seriously insulting of the audience’s intelligence. it’s just lazy time-stalling. i get that people sometimes really don’t care about stuff like narrative and character development and are just here to see riku punching mike wazowski in the teeth or whatever, but i think it’s disingenuous to pretend that these aren’t nonetheless important parts of a game’s construction – especially a studio that used to openly pride itself on selling games with a focus on story. 

and the genuinely frustrating part is, no one cares. people are gushing all over everything square puts out because it’s square, so they know they don’t have to put effort into their stories. i’m well aware i’m in the minority for saying that these games are bad. but i also thought we were done with treating, “it’s just a video game, bro! why do you care so much about the story having quality as a narrative? this isn’t an english class!” as a valid rebuttal. 

maybe i should’ve used the matrix trilogy instead. most people hate movies 2 and 3 for the weird “YOU’VE ALREADY MADE THE CHOICE/EVERYTHING THAT HAS A BEGINNING HAS AN END NEO” shit and the bonkers christ-allegory ending. i hate it because neo is about as interesting as the rock that cracked goofy’s skull open.

[callunavulgari]

“In the past I lay out on the land Stretched my legs felt my chest expand If we could flow together someday Then we will float away”

Heather’s Top 25 50 Songs of 2018!

guts — alex winston // sweet dreams — mark hadley // africa — toto // go to war — nothing more // smallest light — ingrid michaelson // my friends — oh wonder // knocking on heaven’s door — raign // rememberance — balmorhea // hazy shade of winter — hidden citizens // time after time — joseph william morgan // live in the moment — portugal. the man // killmonger — ludwig goransson // daddy issues — the neighbourhood // no roots — alice merton // run for your life — k.flay // play with fire — sam tinnesz // the sailor song — autoheart // warrior — steve james // IV. sweatpants — childish gambino // hello — via audio // daddy — emeli sande // paradise valley — honey and the sting // attila the king — nick glennie-smith // foolish — lauren shippen // experience — ludovico einaudi // singing in the rain — through juniper vale //  hello stranger — barbara lewis // end credits suite — nicholas britell // ahead by a century — the tragically hip // achilles come down — gang of youths // without you — leslie odom jr. // natural — imagine dragons // sky full of song — florence & the machine // broken people — logic & rag’n’bone man // flesh and bone — black math // nina cried power— hozier // kol nidrey — the yuval ron ensemble //  stronger — the score // rise like a phoenix — conchita wurst // heroes — mans zelmerlow // cut to the feeling — carly rae jepson // the greatest show — hugh jackman // the plains/bitter dancer — fleet foxes // always starting over — idina menzel // if i could turn back time — cher // new rules — dua lipa // fernando — cher // it’s quiet uptown — kelly clarkson // movement — hozier // seasons of love — rent cast

short version | long version

so, fun fact. if you start a playlist in january and add a song every time you really love it or find yourself listening to it a lot, by december you find yourself with... a very, very large playlist. 261 songs, 17 hours and 17 minutes large to be precise. which hey, last year the mix was 262 so that’s a pretty spot on average.

i sort of prefer the long one, but i mean, hey. there’s large playlists, and then there’s listing all 261 songs. so i broke it down into a moderately more digestible abridged version with only 50 songs. if you want the original playlist, the link is there. have fun. til then though, here’s my 50 most played.

i. guts || alex winston i know you're a liar, throw me into the fire man i should have known, i should have known god damn you're a liar, threw me into the fire

This song is one of those where the catchy jingle sort of hides that the meat of it is relatively dark. It’s a gorgeous song, one that I listened to for most of January, and off and on throughout the rest of the year. Alex Winston’s voice is like a dream. ii. sweet dreams || mark hadley ft. dresage Hold your head up Keep your head up, movin' on

This song I actually listened to a lot at the tale end of 2017, because it was released as part of the Wrinkle In Time trailer and it was absolutely gorgeous. This year, I found it on a Stranger Things fanvid and it’s been on my Stranger Things mix ever since.

iii. africa || toto I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation She's coming in, 12:30 flight The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation

Speaking of songs that are on my Stranger Things playlist... I’m kind of at a loss as to why this got so freaking popular this year. I mean, it is a truly dope song and I’m super fond of it but like. Was it Stranger Things? Did it just become that anthem of the year? For me, it was that I wrote fanfiction to it and also we played it on loop while we were playing beer liquor pong on vacation. It was... super surreal. iv. go to war || nothing more Hush, my baby, make no sound Maybe we can wait each other out It's a cold war Let's go to war So, this song I actually heard driving home from my friend Alex’s after marathoning a few episodes of The Flash and it just hit me super hard. I mean, it’s a great song for my kind of ships, but also, it’s just a great song. v. smallest light || ingrid michaelson Just because you don't see us Doesn't mean that we don't exist Sometimes the smallest light Shines so bright I think I originally found this song on the Watercast playlist on spotify? And I really liked it, because I like most of the songs on that playlist, but like. I was driving to work one day and like, just got hit with the biggest plot bunny for Will and El as siblings. And like, I just had that bunny and this song percolating in my head for the rest of the day, and the song just kind of stuck with me. This song is Will and El’s anthem. vi. my friends || oh wonder Can I beat within your heart? Can I bleed within your love? Oh my friends

Okay, so like show of hands- who here has read We Were Liars? This is a mostly hypothetical question because I’m not sure anyone actually pays attention to these anymore but I like them, so fuck it. Point is, I was listening to the watercast playlist a lot while reading that book and this song was playing when we made certain discoveries that most of us had already guessed, and it made me cry. vii. knocking on heaven’s door || raign It's gettin' dark, too dark to see I feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door

This fanvid happened around the time I was writing that Will and El as siblings fic and I basically played it and the video that inspired the next song on the list on repeat until I finished. This cover is lovely and haunting and just, such a freaking earworm.

viii. remembrance || balmorhea instrumental Yeah, this is the video. I actually used this song in a fanvid of my own a couple years ago, when I got to make a fanvid for @iki-teru​‘s fantastic Yuffie-centric fic All Through the Circling Years which... I can no longer find, so maybe it was taken down? Either way, I loved the song immensely before, but that fanvid with Hopper is so fucking tragic and beautiful. ix. hazy shade of winter || hidden citizens Seasons change with the scenery Weaving time in a tapestry Won't you stop and remember me

There... are a lot of songs on here that are also on my Stranger Things playlist. And I’m a sucker for haunting covers. x. time after time || joseph william morgan If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting Time after time This is the last of the Stranger Things songs. Well, at least the last of the ones that aren’t Harringrove related. Another fanvid that caught me off guard, because just. Damn. There are so many beautiful fanvids for this fandom, it kills me dead. xi. live in the moment || portugal. the man Come back Sunday morning With that soul to sell When you're gone Goodbye, so long, farewell Not 100% sure where I first heard this one, but it stayed with me for a good portion of the spring and summer. I discovered their song feel it still around this time last year too, so clearly they’re just a real good jam for when you want to feel the sun on your back. xii. killmonger || ludwig goransson instrumental

There are a couple songs from the Black Panther soundtrack on the longer version of this mix, three from the score and one, maybe two from the credits. I freaking loved that movie so damn much, but it’s soundtrack blew my goddamn mind. It is literally all I listened to for weeks, and this song in particular fucked me right the hell up. Just listen to the flutes and the bass. Just, damn. Killmonger, you’ve got the best theme in the entire movie. xiii. daddy issues || the neighbourhood I'd do whatever I could do I'd run away and hide with you I love that you got daddy issues And I do too And heeeere it is. This was the first song that I associated with Harringrove for uh, very obvious reasons. Definitely had this and a few others on repeat whenever I had to write sexy scenes for the boys. xiv. no roots || alice merton I like digging holes and hiding things inside them When I'll grow old, I hope I won't forget to find them 'Cause I've got memories and travel like gypsies in the night

This song hits the same part of me that fell absolutely in love with Guts when I first heard it. Alice Merton’s voice is just fantastic. xv. run for your life || k.flay Bite off the venomous head Follow the chemical scent Look for the hole in the fence Take everything you demand

I got to see K.Flay in concert sometime late last year, and even though I didn’t know her very well (I told my friend that I’d see K.Flay with him if he saw Glass Animals with me) her music was sweet enough that I could appreciate the concert even knowing none of the songs. Let me tell you though, I fucking wish she’d played this song then because holy fuck. xvi. play with fire || sam tinnesz Insane, inside the danger gets me high Can't help myself got secrets I can't tell I love the smell of gasoline I light the match to taste the heat Kuroshitsuji is something I haven’t really thought about in like half a decade. And then I ended up seeing this vid while I was waiting for my connecting plane to arrive so I could go see my family. I only saw the damn thing because it was made by the same person who did this one, which I hunted down because I was reading Yuri On Ice fic on the plane and the point is: pingvi is amazing and all of their vids are a goddamn delight. xvii. the sailor song || autoheart I was your sailor, your demon Your lover, your overbearing best friend Hoping for some attention

So, while I was down visiting my family sometime during the spring, I had a brief dizzying spiral where I fell head over face into the Pacific Rim fandom, because Uprising quite emphatically fucked me up. Anyway, because of this I spent the night after I saw it scrolling through fanart and reading half a decade old fanfiction while my brother was trying to make me pay attention to him. And yeah, that’s how I found this art and listened to this song for like the rest of the fucking year. xviii. warrior || steve james I got my head high, my chest out, my eyes open wide I got no fear, got no doubt and, god, I feel alive I'm not stopping for ya, I'm a fucking warrior

My brother showed me a bunch of fanvids on my first day down there, but my favorite was this one, because I’d recently watched Little Witch Academia and this was so freaking cute and all kinds of lovely. xix. iv. sweatpants || childish gambino Rich kid, asshole: paint me as a villain

Another thing that happened to me that week was the discovery of lipgallagher’s fantastic harringrove fic (shoot the lights out, hide) till its bright out. Which is all kinds of great and lead me to this song and the realization that Donald Glover does music? xx. hello || via audio How could it be Someone could find me Too scary to say hello to This was one of the songs on Damien’s fanmix from The Bright Sessions. And because The Bright Sessions suckerpunched me with feelings, I spent like a month straight listening to that mix and getting into that garbage man’s headspace. It was wonderful. xxi. daddy || emeli sande He's out your system yeah it took you a while You got your family back and you got your smile And you promised your sister that you'd never go back again I spent the better half of this year shipping Harringrove and Mark/Damien, which are both ships that are... well, not exactly the healthiest of relationships. Mark/Damien fucking ruined me. Listening to the last bit of The Bright Sessions was basically physically painful because like, okay. Logically I know that Damien is a garbage person. But also, he’s got a shitty power that would lead to some pretty interesting moral dilemmas even if you were a normal nice person (cough cough Mark), and like. They’re both so fucked up and Damien is so in love with Mark even if he’s not entirely sure how to be a fucking person and I have never had a pairing come after me as hard as this one did. Like it really came after me. Anyway, this was my true Damien/Mark anthem, because it’s fucking perfect and awful and fantastic and I just want them back in my life, guys.

xxii. paradise valley || honey and the sting In the past I lay out on the land Stretched my legs felt my chest expand If we could flow together someday Then we will float away

This here is my most played track of 2018. I first heard it during the special two hour episode of Wolf 359 and the whole end of that episode just blew my mind. So I immediately went to spotify, found it, and have basically listened to it all year since then. It helps that Nick loves it too, so every once in a while he’ll be playing it, which reminds me why I love it and just. It’s so soulful and beautiful.

xxiii. attila the king || nick glennie-smith instrumental

Yeah, I literally have no idea how this made it to the top 50 much less the top five, but apparently it did. It is really good writing music, but still.

xxiv. foolish || lauren shippen The impossible happens every day No matter what you do it won’t go away Don’t ask for more But then what are you waiting for

This was my year for podcasts - in one year I fell in love with Wolf 359, The Bright Sessions, and EOS 10 all over again when it came back for its third season. Near the end of the series though, The Bright Sessions did a musical episode! I listened to it in my car on my way to work and basically spent the entire freaking time smiling like an idiot. Truly my favorite episode. xxv. experience || ludovico einaudi instrumental

The Sense8 finale came out in June and it was absolutely wonderful. This song was playing during the last scene of the series and I fucking cried my eyes out. The song itself is fucking gorgeous, but what’s more is it made that last scene so much more than it would have been if they’d chosen any other song. It truly was, and forgive the corniness, a fucking experience. xxvi. singing in the rain || through juniper I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feeling I'm happy again I went through a phase in June-July where I checked out a bunch of old movies from the library. The first one was Philadelphia, because it was mentioned in the musical episode of The Bright Sessions and I just really wanted to watch it? But I also picked up Singing In The Rain, because I’d never seen it before and just, damn. I watched it before work and it was raining that day and the drive to work was the most fun because I just listened to different covers of the song and sang my heart out, and I was just so damn happy. It was dumb, and nice, and it probably going to be one of my happiest memories that I take with me into the new year. xxvii. hello stranger || barbara lewis Hello, stranger (ooh) It seems so good to see you back again How long has it been? (ooh, seems like a mighty long time)

I also watched Moonlight sometime in late June. It was one of those quiet nights where nothing really seems good enough, where you feel just a little bit empty inside and nothing is helping. So I watched the movie and read @notbecauseofvictories​‘s A Cornstalk Fiddle on my back porch afterwards and the movie combined with the fic and the music turned that quiet empty night into something just as quiet, but a million times more full. Another good memory from 2018 that’ll stay with me for awhile.

xxviii. end credits suite | nicholas britell instrumental From the end credits of Moonlight - I played both this and Hello Stranger on repeat while I finished up the fic I mentioned above.

xxix. ahead by a century | the tragically hip No dress rehearsal This is our life

I watched Anne With An E. I was sad a lot at the time, and got to a part early on in the second season that kind of lead me into an uncomfortable headspace so I actually still haven’t finished it? But it was really nice for awhile, and I hope to go back and finish it sometime.

xxx. achilles come down | gang of youths Just humour us, Achilles, Achilles, come down Won’t you get up off, get up off the roof?

I’m not 100% sure where I found this song either? My gut reaction is that it was a song I found while I was reading either The Cruel Prince or The Goblin Emperor, but I’m not sure. Good song, though.

xxxi. without you | leslie odom jr. The earth turns The sun burns But I die Without you

Oh man, I found this cover one night while I was reading, and like, I was reading, so at first I didn’t really process what I was hearing, just that it was familiar and that I liked it. And then my brain connected the dots and I looked up and saw that it was a cover by Leslie Odom Jr and immediately restarted the song and just listened.

xxxii. natural | imagine dragons Deep inside me, I'm fading to black, I'm fading Took an oath by the blood of my hand, won't break it I can taste it, the end is upon us, I swear Yeah. I like Imagine Dragons. Honestly though - this one might not have made the cut if I hadn’t heard it a few months later on an EOS 10 playlist.

xxxiii. sky full of song | florence & the machine Grab me by my ankles I've been flying for too long I couldn't hide from the thunder In the sky full of song So, a while back there was that video going around where Florence literally sang this song while a storm started up around her, and like, that was the first time I heard this song? That was the first I heard that she even came out with a new album, so I basically sat down and listened to the whole thing, but this one was still my favorite.

xxxiv. broken people | logic & rag’n’bone man Broken we ain't beaten There's no glory in defeat We won't fall into the cracks between our streets

I uh, may have watched a couple fanvids after Infinity War. This was one of them.

xxxv. flesh and bone | black math Break the truth inside of me Climbed down to hell on the devil’s tree I clutched a branch of soot and flame The thought that rose, to scorch my feet

I walk alone Beside myself Nowhere to go

This was another.

xxxvi. nina cried power | hozier It's not the song, it is the singin' It's the heaven of the human spirit ringin' It is the bringin' of the line It is the bearin' of the lie It's not the wakin', it's the risin'

So last year Take Me To Church made it to my Top 38 or whatever I had it narrowed down to, mostly because I went through a Les Mis phase. But I kind of joked on that post last year about Hozier releasing an album next year and how unlikely it was, and lo, here we have it. Maybe not a full length album, but five new beautiful songs.

xxxvii. kol nidrey | the yuval ron ensemble Nidrana lo nidrei, V'essarana lo essarei Ush'vuatana lo shevuot. Maggie Stiefvater posted this song to her blog a couple months ago and I was really fond of it. It’s incredibly beautiful.

xxxviii. stronger | the score I do this with conviction I write truths and never fiction My disease is what you fed I can't stop with my ambition

Oh look, another Marvel fanvid.

xxxix. rise like a phoenix || conchita wurst I rise up to the sky You threw me down but I'm gonna fly So honestly, basically the rest of the mix are songs from Ryan’s OR mix which is an official EOS 10 playlist. It’s phenomenal, and I basically spent all of October and some of November getting stuck on various songs in the mix. xl. heroes || mars zelmerlow Don't tell the gods I left a mess I can't undo what has been done Let's run for cover

Yup. Giving me feels and also super catchy.

xli. cut to the feeling | carly rae jepson Ah, I wanna cut through the clouds, break the ceiling I wanna dance on the roof, you and me alone I wanna cut to the feeling, oh yeah Okay, but like - why did nobody tell me that Carly Rae Jepson had other songs and they were super fucking catchy? I spent the last few days of being a waitress driving to work blaring this and the last two songs and it did fucking wonders for my mood.

xlii. the greatest show | hugh jackman Ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for (woah) Been searching in the dark, your sweat soaking through the floor (woah) And buried in your bones there's an ache that you can't ignore Taking your breath, stealing your mind And all that was real is left behind

Breaking news, The Greatest Showman was amazing and I cried. I fucking missed hearing Hugh Jackman sing, and like the fucking lead up, of starting the movie with this song and then ENDING it with this song, with that performance, with those fucking lines (this is the moment you’ve waited for) - was so goddamn energizing. I just could not fucking deal.

xliii. the plains/bitter dancer | fleet foxes I should have known one day you would come All of us walk so blind in the sun Midnight feeder, beggar pleader

Okay, okay. So there's this playlist called Wet Black Leaves that I listened to a lot when I started my new job, throughout rainy October and November, everything was just a little too wet and a little too cold, and this whole mix is so atmospheric and gorgeous. I absolutely adore it.

xliv. always starting over | idina menzel Am I always Starting over? In a brand new story Am I always Back at one After all I've done?

The finale of Wolf 359 fucked everyone up, right? Yeah, obviously. Okay, well the final episode of season 3 of EOS 10 also fucked me right the hell up. Like we’re talking messy crying in the car on the way to your like second or third day at the new job. Anyway, I kind of spiraled and then I went back and listened to Ryan’s mix and found this song and just wanted to kick my heart around for awhile.

xlv. if i could turn back time | cher If I could reach the stars I'd give 'em all to you Then you'd love me, love me, like you used to do If I could turn back time MESSY CRYING. But like, I also really like this song. So MESSY CRYING and also screaming all these words as loudly as I can within the relatively safe confines of my car. I guarantee you that people next to me at stop lights thought that I’d gone through a messy breakup.

xlvi. new rules | dua lipa Three: Don't be his friend You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him Okay, but also some of the Ryan songs were catchy in a not heart breaking way, unless you think about the untold story of what exactly went on between Ryan and Akmazian and fill in the blanks and break your own heart.

xlvii. fernando | cher There was something in the air that night The stars were bright, Fernando They were shining there for you and me

Cher did an entire cover album of Abba songs in like, late October, I think? And like, my little gay heart fucking exploded and I listened to Cher singing ABBA songs for like three whole weeks and it was fucking fantastic. This... was actually not my favorite of the bunch until I went into a Barnes and Noble to pick up a copy of The Wise Man’s Fear and had a completely transformative experience when I heard it playing softly over the stacks.

xlviii. it’s quiet uptown | kelly clarkson If I could spare his life If I could trade his life for mine He’d be standing here right now And you would smile, and that would be enough

And after a brief detour into delightful cher/abba combinations we’re back to tragic EOS 10 songs. Additionally, I’m sick of Hamilton songs fucking me up. I get to see it in person in 2019 and I’m going to make a fool of myself when I cry my eyes out in front of Nick and our friends.

xlix. movement | hozier So move me, baby Shake like the bough of a willow tree You do it naturally

And just when I thought we were just going to get the four songs out of Hozier in 2018, we got this gem, which I think I like more than all the others.

l. seasons of love | rent cast Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure the life Of a woman or a man?

I will never be over this song. I will never be over this musical. Merry Christmas, guys.

[incorporealbagelbeing]

Infinity War Theories: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who tells their Story?

The one thing that is almost certain about Infinity War is that people will die. I'm sorry, but it's gonna happen. Here's who I think will live/die, and why?

(Note: I do not harbor grudges against ANY CHARACTER, I am merely stating my opinion on the matter)

AVENGERS:

Captain America- I think that, unfortunately, Cap is going to die. Sorry. It's because he's had a long story arc, and it seems like his arc is ending. He's made questionable decisions, he's shown that he's devoted to Bucky more than anyone else. It feels like if he does live, it will be because Bucky died protecting him, bringing me to my next point, but killing off Captain America sets up a future of new and developing Marvel characters.

Bucky- he's probably also gonna die. The chances of him sacrificing himself for a worthy cause is a redemption arc of EPIC PROPORTIONS, and if he does it to protect Steve, his best friend who never gave up on him...well...that's just bonus feels

Iron Man- I...hate to say this...sorry in advance Iron Man fans...He's probably gonna die too. I think he might feel guilty about "all the things he's done" (it wasnt all you, Tony), and he would try to do "one last good thing". I dunno, but it seems like a very...Marvel way to kill him off.

Hulk- I highly doubt that he's going to DIE...but in Thor: Ragnarok he did mention how he might not ever go back to being Bruce Banner if he were to transform again, and he's almost certainly going to transform again...he might lose his more human side, but he's probably not going to die. The only way I can see him dying is if Black Widow gets hit, he goes psycho, and...actually hmmm I have to think about it more...

Black Widow- I think that she has a 50/50 shot of living. She would make an excellent mentor, and they've only brushed the surface of her past, meaning that keeping her alive would be valuable for future movie-making (@ Marvel HINT HINT, WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE)

Spiderman- He is almost certainly not going to die. He is a young Avenger, part of a future version of the Avengers (or the future team as I'm calling it). Also, he has another movie coming out. It would be difficult to explain if they killed him.

Scarlet Witch- I have reasons to believe she would go either way! She might sacrifice herself to see her brother again (distant sobs from me), or they could keep her alive because she's young, or powerful, or something similar

Thor- there's a chance that he'll die because he's a long running character with an arc (or multiple arcs, kinda), and there's a chance he'll live because he's immortal (duh) or because he has a kingdom to protect and rule.

Loki- He could live because, and I'm quoting my mom, "He's 'died' so many times, it's not like he can die anymore". The flaw in this is what if all of his deaths, faked or acted, foreshadow his real death? In my opinion, the general feeling coming from Thor: Ragnarok was "this may be the last time I see you alive, let's make it count". I personally hope that he sacrifices himself in one, redemption-worthy move that either shields his (adopted) brother, or defeats Thanos, if he has to die at all. I kinda hope he doesn't.

Vision- my theory is that, for a while, he's going to die. He has a bloody Infinity Stone in his head. But I also think that he'll cone back, that somehow the Avengers, or what's left of them, will regain his stone, and he'll be back.

Falcon- he's such an underdone character that I'm pretty sure he'll be kept alive? I don't know much about him, so

War Machine- again, 50/50. He could live because he's been thought to be dead, or near-dead before. He could also die because or this disability, but I lean more towards him living.

Black Panther- judging by the trailer, his kingdom is gonna be decimated, but let's be honest, he's gonna live. He's T'Challa, he's beauty, he's grace, and he only will have been in 2 movies beforehand, so probably gonna live.

Ant-Man- I think he'll live? He has a new movie coming out this year, other than that idk

Hawkeye- I hope he's gonna live, I think he will live, the only way I can see him dying is to protect Scarlet Witch, and that seems flimsy. That and...he has a FAMILY

Doctor Strange- He's probably either gonna live and resurrect someone/some people, or he's going to do what he did with Dormammu and put himself and a villain in a time loop

Guardians of the Galaxy

Starlord- he's gonna live. Totally! The Guradians have another movie coming out in 2020. Also, consider his lineage! Ego was his father (but not his dad, thanks for that gem Yondu, RIP), meaning that he is STILL PART CELESTIAL. Ego most likely lied about Peter being "just like everyone else". He lost Ego's magic to manipulate. That in NO WAY means that he has no magic, or that he is no longer immortal.

Gamora- also probably going to live, because she's one of the most important members of the Guardians

Rocket and Groot- either Rocket and Groot are going to both live, or both die. And seeing as Groot has (in his own way) "died" already, they're going to both live, most likely. I say that they would both live or both die because if Groot were to die at Thanos's hand, Rocket would snap and die in a blaze of glory, rage, and tears

Drax- Drax is probably, unfortunately, going to die, because he's dedicated everything to defeating Thanos. The reason that this isn't certain, is that...wait for it...they've introduced Mantis. I know that might sound weird, but the big reason that Drax is after Thanos is his family was killed. Mantis may not be able to entirely fix this, but...the possibility of saving him from death is compelling.

Mantis- I think that Mantis is going to live because she is an INCREDIBLY new character. She hasn't had much of a chance yet.

Nebula- I'm almost 100 percent sure she's going to die. She's begun her redemption arc, it's mainly a question of how. I think that she might end up sacrificing her life for Gamora to compete her arc.

Kraglin- he's also a new character, and he has no reason to sacrifice himself/die. The main excuse I can think of is that their ship would be taken, and non-human-supporting conditions would kill him, or Thanos would declare him unneeded and kill him.

And last but not least,

Thanos. Duh.

Please don't leave hate because of my dumb theories. It's not worth it.

[thebigreylotheory]

Conning Dragons and Forcing Friday (all month long!)

Soooo…how is it the end of September now? (maybe I listened to that Green Day song a little too closely back in the day. We could make it Star Warsy: “Force Awakens When September Ends” (and buy/by that I mean I hope there’s a trailer soon)).

Just.Not.That.One.

Anywho here’s the Force Friday II post (better late than never). Which according to one Target chat customer service rep never happened!

When I buy $50 worth of SW figures I want my giftcard spam you very much so I can buy more SW stuff. I should have asked this guy about the moon landing and unicorns, too. But I have healed my Kylo Ren-esque rage against it and am ready for better adventures now (porgs included, thank you giftcard).

Labor Day was a crazy weekend, as it was Force Friday II (unless I AM delusional) and Dragon*Con. Cosplaying at a convention has been on my bucketlist for while. It was always one of those things I was gonna do when I lost weight cause I’m intensely extremely shy. So over 100 pounds gone later it’s time to throw myself out of the comfort zone.

You know the saying: something old, something new, something borrowed, something Skywalker blue. I’m told this ship could make the Kessel run, but I wouldn’t know cause I drive slow just like my grandma taught me. Revenge of the Rey-the-Duck look.

Naturally, at first, we thought Caps should be beardy-Ren, again, from Halloween. But helmeted black costume + Atlanta weather + driving to and forth + large crowds = didn’t seem to mix for us.

(Yes, Rey just LOVES gardening. Nightbloomers and Spinebarrels and all.) So, anyhow, Caps opted to be Lukey-Pooh instead, but still gave me Howl’s-Moving-Castle-type-melt-downs by trimming the beard claiming the natural, beautiful white made him look old. #poshhusbandproblems

I’m going to spray him down with the dark side asap.

Here’s to hoping we didn’t creep people out too badly by holding hands. You KNOW I’m Reylo. Said it right there on my badge. (And as much as I could do Star Wars: Middlemarch, I’m not. That is the longest novel ever. Lit-erally.) I tried to stay in character the whole time and complain about people taking my hand and why Master Skywalker is so overprotective. Once, briefly, in the crowd, a Kylo Ren randomly walked next to us. I got the silent-introvert-girl-giggles real bad. Out of costume, I accidentally bumped into a Hoth Leia and discussed a lost bus card with a blonde Hutt Slayer Leia. Good times with Leias!

Although we missed out during SW Celebration, we did get to see Peter Mayhew! I was in awe. Literally, I felt a bit emotional. Just so nostalgic, thinking, wow, if you’d told me when I was ten years old some day I’d be in the same room as the actor who played our beloved Chewie. My cousins used to tease me for making Chewbacca noises. Well, "RRWWWGG" on them now.

Also saw Daniel Logan! He’s grown up, makes me feel old. I remember watching Clones and thinking aww it’s lil Boba, cause I was such a sophisticated teenager. He has a great sense of humor. Should do comedy. Told the most hilarious story about not knowing whom Christopher Lee was at first.

Later that Friday, saw TONS of SW authors. Kevin J. Anderson, Timothy Zahn, Michael Stackpole, Myke Cole, Claudia Gray, E.K. Johnston spoke on Masculinity in Star Wars. (Zahn was late cause he doesn’t ask for directions, direct quote.) The topic was dad-heavy. As a Reylo, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat (the old phrase: sinner in church, comes to mind) when it was suggested Lukey-Pooh is you-know-whom’s Papa. Authors did not confirm or deny, Disney lawyers probably had the mics tapped.

"Yes, this is a [fan convention], and we have many tapestries. But if you are a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse!" – Indiana Jones butler dude

Immediately following, Claudia Gray & Delilah S. Dawson had their awesome book launch party for Leia, Princess of Alderaan and Phasma. I am the biggest book nerd and have been hanging on all the new canon.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get any autographs because that evening I rapidly came down with a con-crud-cold with fever. And I didn’t want everyone to hate me for spreading germs and delaying any future books. So I went home, took other people’s medicine, and drowned my cooties with hot coffee, tea, and honey.

Yeah, Sith happens...

Mother-in-law got so concerned about me, she went Force Friday-ing without knowing it to buy Get Well gifts:

From my sick bed, ok couch, here’s what I ordered online Force Friday:

Target hasn’t sent me my Luke, yet. Is this foreshadowing for the movie??

Here was our more-like-Force-Monday-finds:

Toys R Us loops the teaser trailer continuously!

“Not a creature was stirring, not even a Porg”

Porg, totally took a nose dive off the birdfeeder after this shot..

And more-like-Force-two-three-weeks-later-buys:

Well, of all the strange places, I found Lukey-Pooh at Kroger. Guess he was hungry.

My Dragon*Con souvenirs*:

*Authors note: artists are not specifically associated with Reylo-ing to my knowledge, featuring here cause I generally love their Star Wars work.

Framing soon from Cryssy Cheung!

Someday I want the bigger version!! AH!

Fun weekend, despite being sick.

[softspotforstars]

Oh wow. I just realized I haven’t posted in over a month! For some reason I thought I posted back around when I dropped Joey off at the trainer, but that must’ve just been my recollections of an Instagram post or two. So if you follow me on there, you’re likely pretty up to date with my goings on, but for posterity, I’ll give some more details about things here.

Let’s start with Joey since I know most people are here for the horsey stuff. Hawaii later? Sounds good.

So, I took Joey to the trainer a couple weeks later than initially planned. He was originally supposed to go at the tail end of April, but it ended up being put off until the first week of May since Trainer (J) had two shows back to back and wasn’t going to be on hand to watch him settle in. Knowing Joey, I wasn’t terribly worried that he wouldn’t settle well with whoever was watching the barn, but I can understand J’s apprehension, so I was totally fine with two more weeks of Joey cuddles.

So, on May 2nd, I took a half day off work and went to the barn and found Joey laid flat out in the hay unconscious, and knowing him, likely snoring. (I wasn’t close enough to hear, but if you remember the video of his gelding, you know snoring is in his repertoire.)

Afternoon naps are the best.

Oh hi, mom.

Do I have to get up though?

I went on and did my evening barn chores so I wouldn’t have to do them that night when I got back without him, then hooked up to the trailer and got all the windows and vents opened for him while waiting for K to get there to ride along for moral support/trailer driving coaching. I’ve only pulled the trailer 4 times or so and never with one of my own horses on board, just S’s (thanks S for guinea pigging your horses?) 😂 The drive over was uneventful minus the fact that the last 10 miles of interstate driving included an absolute gully washing downpour. I joked that Joey’s entire face would be drenched when we got there.

A couple days before this, I got the grand idea to practice loading with Joey because I couldn’t remember if he’d been on my trailer. I knew he’d been on K’s stock type that has all the open sides and room, but thought my small, dark, two horse slant might prove more scary. What I didn’t consider was that I wouldn’t be able to get Joey to back OFF of the trailer. Being his typical fearless self, he followed me onto my dark little trailer with little hesitation and he stood quietly beside me as if we were just standing in the field chilling. Zero percent nervous, not even terribly curious about things really. Just in a trailer. No big deal. Cool. Except he was NOT feeling backing off. At first he was like, sure mom, backing, I know this game. Then he realized he’d have to let his back feet drop off into the oblivion and he very calmly told me no. For 30 minutes or so. No escalation, no further nerves about being on the trailer, just resignation to the fact that we now live in the horse trailer.

As I mentioned, my two horse slant is small. If I hadn’t have the rear tack expanded I might have had a better chance at convincing him to back off, and it wouldn’t have been so tight to let him turn around in the trailer, but I finally gave up, looped the lead rope around his neck and got off the trailer to let him figure out how to handle the situation. Questionable logic possibly, but I think he’s proven capable of rational thought, so I figured why not let him figure it out. So he glanced over his shoulder at me, contorted himself into a pretzel and turned around. He then looked at me quietly and waited for me to grab the lead rope and encourage him to step down.

Or rocket launch off. Naturally.

So when we pulled in at J’s, I’d already decided just to let him pretzel and turn again and ask J to put that on the list of things that Joey needs to learn if he thinks he isn’t ready to ride and needs something else ground work wise to work on in the meantime. J said that the first couple of weeks he was there would be focused on ground work and that he would teach him how to back. I replied that he knows how to back, but the off of a trailer part was the crucial bit of the sentence and he just reiterated that he’d get a lot of groundwork first. Sounds good to me.

So, the interesting thing about working with a new trainer is that they have no idea of the owner or horse’s abilities at drop off. Not that I’m a seasoned pro or that Joey is the epitome of a cultured two year old, but honestly between my half ass effort and Joey’s general trainability, we really haven’t done half bad. But, since J didn’t know either of us from Adam, I think it’s safe to say that he probably proceeded with caution since he knows so little about us. So sure, by all means, teach my baby how to back. 😉

A couple days before he left-hand grazing the driveway with Cheddar.

After the weekend, I messaged J to check in and asked how Joey was doing, to which I got a “doing good and eating fine” message back. I’ve only known Joey not to eat once and that was when he had the infection/ran the super high fever after his castration, so yeah, I’d hope he’s eating. I had already determined that J was a man of few words, so I didn’t take it personally and went to Hawaii eager to return and see how groundwork was going on the 17th. On the 10th, eight days after I dropped Joey off, I received a short video clip that showed Joey trotting around the indoor with J aboard. He was low headed and quiet on a loose rein and looked more balanced than I’ve seen a lot of horses after 30 days, much less in this short of an amount of time.

I’d be lying if I said that seeing my kiddo going so well didn’t hit me right in the feels. I was a tiny bit sad that I’m missing a lot of his training, but I also know that that is just part of having a horse in full time training, even though I’m far from used to this scenario. Most of my emotion was sheer pride. I’ve always been the horsey friend with the least training skills, so to see my baby moving ahead of schedule after spending 99% of his formative time with me and me alone was validating. I give 90% of the credit for his trainability to damn good genetics, but that other 10% was me…doing something right? I spent the rest of Friday in Hawaii on a high. There’s nothing like being on a dream vacation and getting SO excited about what you have waiting on you at home.

So, after a week in Hawaii, I arrived back in Virginia and made plans to go see Joey first thing the next morning. I walked in the barn to see him tied and he watched me very closely. J was on another horse in the outdoor so I scratched on Joey for a few minutes (and teared up a tinyyyy bit to be honest…) before going out to say hi to J. Joey seemed 100% at home and like I’d just walked out of the barn five minutes before, not two weeks ago.

After finishing up with the other horse, J tacked Joey up casually like you would a broke trail horse and lunged him a few circles at all gaits in each direction before bridling him and mounting. Honestly I felt like I was watching a smaller version of Paige because he stood quietly while J mounted and just had the same general demeanor that I’m used to with Paige. He walked him around and flexed his neck a couple of times before reaching back and fooling with the saddle bags on the back of the saddle, making noise with the velcro on them numerous times while Joey just walked along unbothered by it all.

  I had told J that Joey was laid back when I first met him then again when I dropped him off and had also said that he has a lot more whoa than go. J countered that several do until stalled and put on the alfalfa, then they get a little hot until they settle in. So I was pleased to hear that being stalled and on alfalfa hasn’t changed his disposition at all. J stated that if he keeps the same attitude as he has currently that Joey is the type of horse that he likes to train and that he’d much rather have one that quits unless you make him work vs. one that runs hot and has to be ridden down to get to a point of being trainable. I’m 100% not the type of rider who wants/likes a hot horse, so I agreed that I’d prefer Joey stay lazy as well since that’s what I’m used to with his mother. Willing to work if you ask, but otherwise willing to chill. I bred for that brain first, conformation and movement second, and color third.

This is one of the reasons I’m happy to have Joey in full training somewhere. A few friends have quipped that Joey is so easy I could’ve started him myself, which is debatable. I can see their point in that Joey is so easy, but by sending him to a professional I keep his willingness to quit from becoming a insistence to quit. CoughcoughRobin. I know where my strengths lie and training riding horses who don’t have holes in their training is far from one of them.

Anyway, after watching Joey walk and trot around the indoor, J kissed and Joey immediately bopped up into a little rolling canter so quietly that it surprised me. I didn’t even know if he was loping him yet at all so to see him effortlessly step into the lope made me grin. The balance and body control that Joey has already after two weeks in training is something I keep being surprised by. He’s always been this derpy little baby in my head, so to see him capable of something athletic looking for his stage of training made me happy. J quipped that he was going to start riding him in spurs the next week (which is now I guess) so that he can show Joey that he has faster gears than he’s currently volunteering. He said that everything up to this point has been about forward movement with steering and brakes, but I can see why he wants to use the spurs because even maintaining what I call Joey’s “lah-te-dah” trot and rolling canter is taking some pretty dramatic pony kicks. Naturally this doesn’t surprise me at all after teaching him how to go on the longe line as the gaits he’s given me have always defaulted to what is easiest. So I guess this week Joey is learning about how to adjust his speed and stride length now that J feels like he’s ready to accept spurs.

After demonstrating Joey both ways at all three gaits, J dropped the reins and grinned and said, “not half bad for two weeks.” I heartily agreed. I’d told J previously that Joey’s well being, mentally and physically, ranked over rushing him into things, so it was reassuring to see how easily things seem to be going and how comfortably Joey is adapting to working life. J again mentioned that he likes that Joey isn’t reactive or hot because that allows him to gradually increase the length of his workouts with gaining fitness in mind while still being able to teach him something with each ride. While I agree with the old adage that wet saddle pads make broke horses, it’s nice to see a trainer realize that it isn’t necessary to work one into the ground past their point of physical ability. Joey left his workout looking alert and engaged without looking warm or overworked.

Immediately after being ridden. 

When I initially Talked to J about Joey I told him that I was hoping to eventually show in the ranch events at APHA shows and that my long term big goal was to ride him and look the part at the APHA World Show. When I told J that in January, he gave me a little spiel about how much training goes into a horse showing at that level and what qualities a horse has to have to be competitive in the ranch classes. This information wasn’t new to me, but once again, J didn’t know me or my horse from Adam, so I think he was taking my goals with a grain of salt. I haven’t brought anything competitive up again since that conversation, opting instead to let Joey demonstrate whatever skills he has to J over the course of time and let J make his own opinions about Joey’s possible future. I realized my goals might not be terribly far fetched when after mounting Joey and starting to walk circles, J looked at me and asked when and where the APHA World Show is held. I told him and he went on to ask me several questions about Paige and Tanner and trying to get a better idea of Joey’s breeding, so I think the wheels are definitely turning now that Joey has demonstrated that he’s more than a pretty colored gelding.

What do you mean I have to be more than pretty?

J has a show this coming weekend, so I’ll be going another two weeks without seeing the kiddo. Not that I can’t go down there on the week nights, but at this point I’m not the person that needs to be riding him, so I can make better use of my time by getting stuff done at the house and farm on week night evenings instead of driving over and watching Joey. It’s fun to see the progress in two week intervals honestly. Based on what J had said, I set my expectations low for the first two weeks and was more than pleasantly surprised to see Joey at the point that he’s at. Until then I’ll just keep watching the videos from Friday on a loop…makes sense, right? 😉

  Baby Riding Horse Oh wow. I just realized I haven't posted in over a month! For some reason I thought I posted back around when I dropped Joey off at the trainer, but that must've just been my recollections of an Instagram post or two.

[susanqje437737-blog]

I Chance You Took on Monster Dream Book I.

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[sonfaro]

Problems I had with Star Wars: The Last Jedi...

So, first: Merry Christmas!   Second...  Saw Star Wars again... SPOILERS, obviously. After second viewing, I still like it, but it's now below the Force Awakens for me in terms of how much I liked it.  This is a complicated metric though, as I think it's a better written movie in some ways than Force Awakens.  It certainly takes more risks, and leaves us in a fresher state story wise than ever before in Star Wars.  However, I still have problems, and this time I wasn't as glossed over by the stuff I hadn't seen before to ignore them.  To be fair, Some of the problems I had with it (Super Leia for example) WERE better the second time, but some things got worse.  This will largely be a rant of the things I didn't like, just because I want to get the negativity out.

Most people are complaining about Canto Bight, and it's understandable - not much of consequence happens there.  However, I think a lot of the Rey/Luke island stuff drags on and doesn't really fit together well either.  Rey repeats some version of "Kylo Ren is evil and we need you to come back" three or four times to Luke.  One of them after Luke has agreed to train her already.  It seemed like a ham fisted means of getting her to talk about the Force as a power for Lukes lesson, but if so there are better ways than repeating information both the audience and Luke know already.  I think that section needed reworking.  The first lesson should have been the one in the cave - how the Jedi order were hypocrites and what not.  Then move from there.  Also, Luke should have commented on/helped improve her sabre technique so she's not just proficient after having used it only once.  Him watching her suddenly become a ninja and doing nothing just illustrated that Rey again didn't have to work at being super skilled at something and just sort of was.

While we're on the subject of Rey - in TFA and in TLJ (though much less in the latter thank you Rian) Rey is OP.  Flat out.  The explanation we're given in this movie is that as Kylo get's stronger in the force so does she... despite this notion being nowhere in canon prior (Sidious is the most powerful being on the dark side and Vader is second to him.  Neither Obi-Wan nor Yoda could hold a candle to either, and honestly neither could Luke (well, he could have dealt with Vader towards the end maybe, but definitely not Palpatine).  The force produces no light side equivalent in the 20 years the two run roughshod across the galaxy.  But it does now?

Snokes death is still a supreme waste.  And no it's not similar to Palpatine.  Palps got NO real hype until return of the Jedi, and his death wasn't treated as a joke.  Cut Luke milking the pokemon down and add in twenty seconds of Luke telling Rey in that cave "Snoke made that hole at the bottom of the island.  I fought him there.  I thought I killed him but he escaped and has haunted my family ever since".  <- takes ten-twenty seconds.  You can easily trim 10-20 seconds of this behemoth for enough so that I at least know where he came from.  I shouldn't HAVE to read an EU book to have a little character backstory on the evil counterpart to Luke in this series.  

Also, Rey and Kylo's story arc made less sense to me upon second viewing, because Kylo never seems to show her any conflict within himself before they force touch.  He barks a command at her the first time they link up.  The second he taunts her about the look she gave him in the forest and hints that Luke did something to him.  Third time was the creepy shirtless scene where we get his side of things.  Then Rey jumps into the dark side hole and suddenly she thinks Kylo is okay to have at a fireside chat - and that there's good in him... When he's displayed NO good to her the entire time?    What?  If their link allowed them to see memories - like Rey sees him decide not to shoot Leia - then it's justified, because that moment would have given her a sliver of doubt.  As it is, it just doesn't make sense, and makes Rey come off as an idiot (which, if you wanna make that her flaw - that she's a naive idiot sometimes, that's at least a step in the right direction.)

Also, one of my major problems that the second viewing crystalized for me is - ALL of the characters hold the idiot ball way too long.

Poe is probably the most egregious, but his idiocy I like, because it's a bit more character than the last time we saw him and it gave Oscar Isaac something to do.  I like that he'll be leading the charge next film.

Admiral Holdo though?  Oh, she came off much worse in the second viewing.  She tells no one... NO ONE about her plan?  I could agree with the think pieces I've read about fighting mansplaining and toxic masculinity if it were clear she'd told some people and was keeping Poe and his crew out of the loop as a lesson, but while I agree Poe was out of line - some sort of plan should be relayed to the rest of the crew while they're running for their lives.  She's literally told no one, and her excuse is some random quote that Leia says about "hope being pointless if you can see it (<a paraphrase, sure - but that's her reasoning)" which inadvertently hands Leia an idiot ball.  That's a flimsy as heck contrivance for unneeded tension that doesn't make logical sense, and is directly responsible for literally everything bad that happens to the resistance.

...I still love that character though.  Best death in Star Wars bar none.  Also, Laura Dern played her really well.  I WOULD be willing to read EU books about her and Leia complaining about politics and blasters and dudes and whatever they wanted to talk about while murdering Stormtroopers

On to my favorite new trilogy character, Finn, and his new buddy Rose.  It's still better than I expected from the trailers... but not by much.  I've read a few articles trying to pass his storyline off as character building, including one from Rian Johnson.  In no way do I believe them.  Finn's character is right where he was at the beginning of the movie, only now he's in an apparent love triangle (ugh.)  Some one wrote that the point of his story was to have him grow from someone who ran to someone proud to be in the rebellion... except a.) that was his story arc in The Force Awakens, and b.) he was 100% already working with the rebellion and happy to do it when the film began!  After his initial "where's Rey" he works with and asks questions of Leia about the Resistance's next step - He's all in when the movie begins.  Him running away isn't cowardice, he just literally puts his relationship with Rey over the resistance.  Which makes sense, because she's his first friend.  And also because HOLDO TOLD NO ONE HER PLAN SO FINN THOUGHT REY WOULD DIE!!!  Another option I read for his arc was that Finn learns the lesson not to run into danger... but that wasn't Finn's problem in the film, that was Poe.  Finn was super cautious, trying to escape the ship in secret to protect Rey, and not wanting to ride the horse-rabbit.  And then even after Roses' sacrifice he still thinks he needs to run in to help Luke, so that's not a lesson he learned.  That situation should have been reversed.  Rose should have wanted to make the sacrifice, but Finn should have stopped her.  Just kill the arbitrary "save the things we L.O.V.E.", because that still wouldn't be earned though.  -_-

That said, Rose remains adorable, and fares better on second viewing.  I'm pretty sure she caught on to Finn sneaking off before she let on, and if so, that's cool on her, she's super observant.  My only problem with her character wise was... why was she, a mechanic, flying with Poe and the remnants of Black squadron?  I can sort of see Finn, because he's a soldier, but her being in her own cockpit seemed contrived for her weird rescue attempt that didn't make sense.  (Those things were old, and safety couldn't be great on them, running into Finn COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.  There's her idiot ball).  Apparently there's a bunch of shippy scenes between the two that build up her crush on Finn that were left on the cutting room floor.  But so much was cut that it just feels unearned.

I'm still eternally grateful that Finn finally got a win of some sort after getting kicked around all of TFA.  The fight with Phasma was 100% more awesome on the second viewing because I saw so much more going on.  I now really need a Star Wars fighting game, no lie.  (Also, lets be honest.  Phasma isn't dead.  They showed blaster fire ricocheting off her armor for a reason.  She'll come back and if we see her face there'll be a massive scare over her eye... Or... OH WOW, I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT ABOUT THIS AS I TYPED IT!!!  EYE-PATCH GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE!  Someone who fanarts DO THAT PLEASE!

BB-8 played deus ex machine one too many times in this movie.

I paid more attention to Hux this go around, and I actually liked him much more as the sniveling weasel who thinks he's more powerful than he actually is.  Domnell Gleeson is so good in that smarmy role.  I can't wait for the inevitable Kylo/Hux infighting.

Why is Chewie getting orders barked at him from Rey?  Shouldn't it be the other way around?  Or could she ask?  It's the difference between "Chewie, swing us around!" and "Chewie, CAN YOU swing us around?"  Minor point but bugged me.

Kylo Ren is my favorite Star Wars villain of all time.  Adam Driver is awesome.  He's essentially a school shooter who has been rewarded with power and nothing can be more despicable.  I really don't want him redeemed.  "Star Wars is all about redemption!"  you might cry.  Yeah, if one wants it.  But kids need to be shown what happens if you reject it too.  Food for thought.

You couldn't have given Benecio Del Torro a name IN the movie?  Finn and Rose wouldn't have asked him?  Huh?

Also, that war profiteering storyline seems flawed to me.  Of course a weapons dealer will eventually sell X-Wings.  If the rebellion beats back the empire in your sector, what are you gonna do?  Sell them cheap but unsafe TIE's?  The logic of that scene didn't work for me, and the storyline seemed discarded as soon as Benecio Del Torro left, unresolved.

There is no reason Lando Calrissian couldn't be in Canto Bight.  Heck, he should have been the dude with the pendant, and he missed Leia's call because he was gambling and not paying attention.  Rose and Finn could have missed him before they saw him... or just not known who he was because they were young when the first rebellion was a thing.

This is the best acting from Mark Hamill in a star wars movie ever.  It's a shame they veered so far away from his original characterization.  I disagree with him on the notion that Jedi don't give up.  But that's because I think that trait is Luke's.  LUKE doesn't give up, even when he should.  So derpy depressed Skywalker doesn't really gel with the rest of the Saga to me.

Carrie Fisher was a gem and will be missed.  She was perfect.

 A lot of my friend who have issues with it say that they think it's a good movie, just not a Star Wars movie, or something along those veins.  I will say now, that having watched it a second time, I don't quite agree, though I see where they’re coming from.  This one felt more like a prequel Star Wars though.  Not in terms of quality though, as I'd say it was much better than the prequels.  Certainly Attack of the Clones anyway, which is still my least favorite live action movie (the Clone Wars Movie is worse).  I don't think it's a great SAGA movie, because Rian seemed determined to throw away most of the promises and intrigues from TFA and ignore basic lore stuff to make this one. It felt like he hated much of the Force Awakens and wanted a mini do-over, which I would argue was a dumb idea. But despite that, it's definitely a Star Wars movie.  Just not a great one for the saga.

Here's the big issue though - the REASON it's not a great Saga movie, is because this story team Disney's cooked up haven't been much of a story team.  When they got the property and decided to do a trilogy, they should have written out a skeleton for the three movies, just so everyone who writes and directs has an idea of where they're going.  Rian had free reign on this one, and it almost felt like he was making both the first and second movie of his own personal trilogy.  I am looking forward to his actual trilogy, because his ideas were interesting to me and I feel like he does love the franchise.  But it did a disservice to this film.

And finally, just because it irritates him so - Reylo is a terrible garbage ship.  I hate shipping in general - but not since SasuSaku have I truly loathed the idea of two characters hooking up.  Shoot, Reylo is worse.  In no way should it happen.  Honestly, it shouldn't even be promoted, and should be looked on the way Sansa and Joffery's relationship as looked at.  The fact that SO MANY media outlets are romanticizing the damaged white boy (and sorry to make it racial, but it really does feel like there's some of that in there) and thinking it would be totally hot for the first truly prominent female protagonist in Star Wars history to boink him makes me fear for society.  Literally any other ship is preferable to this...

Star Wars is my favorite franchise of all time and holds a special place in my heart, and this movie does bring that love back.  But the people who are confused as to why it’s not as liked as ESB should take a more critical eye to it.  It’s great, but not that great.

...And again merry Christmas!

[robertkstone]

2018 Ford Expedition First Drive Review: Redefining What It Means to Be Big

Many moons ago I attended the launch of the then all-new Ford Explorer. At one point during the event, Ford let us sample a Jeep Grand Cherokee, ostensibly so that us gathered scribes could gauge how much better the Explorer was than its competition. I’ll never forget my driving partner—Pulitzer Prize winner and Wall Street Journal scribe Dan Neil—turning to me, a look of mischief in his eyes, and one of us saying, “Boy, that Jeep’s pretty damn good, huh?” In other words, Ford’s gambit was, as the kids say, a total fail. Dan and I actually ditched the event early and hit up a local casino to play some Texas Hold ‘Em. I won $100 if memory serves. Dan faired less well. As you might imagine on the launch of the all-new 2018 Ford Expedition, I was wracked with déjà vu hopping into a Chevrolet Suburban hitched up to a 5,500-pound horse trailer. Was Ford about to make the same mistake again?

The Expedition is a full-size, body-on-frame SUV. Actually, the big boy is available in two sizes, with the long wheelbase Max version gaining 12 inches of overall length, and about 8 inches of wheelbase. There are two engine choices, too. Well, being honest, two engine output choices. Most trim levels get a 375-horsepower, 470-lb-ft version of Ford’s now venerable EcoBoost 3.5-liter twin-turbo V-6—the same powerplant (more or less) you’ll find in halo products such the Raptor and $500,000 GT. Talk about diversity. Should you opt for the Platinum Expedition, power climbs to 400 hp and torque goes up by 10 to 480 lb-ft. These are handy improvements over the previous Expedition, which shared the EcoBoost V-6 but made just 365 hp and 420 lb-ft of torque. As Bob Lutz so sagely said: “Americans buy horsepower but drive torque.” Power is sent to the rear wheels via Ford’s version of the Ford/GM 10-speed automatic transmission. Rear-wheel drive is standard, though I’d guess most Expeditions will leave dealer lots equipped with four-wheel drive. High gears only, however. If you do need to take your big SUV way off the beaten path, there’s the FX4 variant that comes complete with a two-speed transfer case, aka low gears.

Back to Americans for a second. XL and XXL SUVs such as the Expedition really and truly are a red, white, and blue phenomenon. They don’t make much sense to the rest of the world, primarily because the roads are too narrow, parking is too tight, and gas is expensive. Here? Giant highways, ample parking, and—adjusted for inflation—gasoline costs as much as coffee filters. Judging by what I spend at Starbucks per week, gas is much, much cheaper than actual coffee. In much the same way that a Smart ForTwo makes zero sense if you’ve never spent time desperately searching for parking in a packed European city/San Francisco, supersized SUVs seem absurd to the uninitiated, save for us Yanks and the Middle East. However, once you’ve spent time in big boy you realize there really is no replacement for sheer scale. There’s an elegance to them, a relaxed sort of inherent luxury, a joie de viva Las Vegas, if you will. Just like the full-size truck, mammoth SUVs are both a unique and wonderful American institution. A segment we should celebrate, especially when the vehicles are good. If you feel different, I’m sure What Car? has the Skoda Karoq review you’re looking for.

Back when the Mercedes-Benz GLC won our 2016 SUV of the Year, one of the aspects that most impressed us was the clever use of platform sharing. The GLC rides on a slightly shortened version of the E-Class architecture while featuring the interior bits and drivetrain components from the C-Class. Likewise, the Expedition is in fact a clever mix of F-150 and F-250/350 parts. Structurally, the SUV is a F-150 with a third row and independent rear suspension. However the interior, including the useful twin-glove box arrangement, is straight off the Super Duty. But then Ford went above and beyond both versions of their trucks and added some woodwork, leather, and rotary dials that would be more at home in a Lincoln. Or an Audi, and I say this as an Audi owner. The engine and transmission, as mentioned, are from the F-150, though they feature unique states of tune.

The sheetmetal is a huge improvement over the previous-generation Expedition, which never had a modern metal-to-glass ratio. The greenhouse was too big, making the whole thing look droopy. There is of course a 6,000-pound gorilla in the room: from the side the new, all-aluminum Ford looks like the current Chevrolets, Tahoes, and Suburbans. It just does. Blame the high beltline, but the similarity is much more than just passing. I actually think the Ford looks better, but I want to say something else. The Ford Explorer looks like any number of Land Rovers. The Fusion’s front end looks like an Aston Martin. The Lincoln Continental and MKZ look like modern Jaguars. And now the Expedition looks like its closest rival. For whatever the reason, Ford design kicks out products that look like they come from other carmakers. Does this fact bother me? Kind of. Philosophically I don’t like it, but practically speaking, when a product is good, who cares? As Woody Allen said (I’m paraphrasing): always be original; don’t steal. But, if you’re gonna steal, steal from the best. Imitation, sincerity, flattery, and all that. As for the rest of the body, I think the base grille looks pretty much OK, though I find the Platinum snout a bit busy. Looks good from behind. Nuff said.

Although the outside might look like a mimeographed Suburban, the inside of the Expedition embarrasses the Chevy. The two are night and day, if Ford is day and night is cheap and dated looking. The luxury—specifically in the Platinum trimmed models—continues in the middle row, where the elegant leatherwork is still present, both in terms of the seats and the door trims. The middle seats feature what’s called Tip-and-Slide. Essentially, when you’re trying to access the rear seats, the middle ones both slide and tip forward at the seat track. Long story short, you can leave car seats in place and still get bodies into the back. The rearmost seat (or the way back, as my family called the third row in our station wagons growing up) is sizeable, even in the regular wheelbase Expedition, but it’s definitely not as high quality materials-wise as the other two rows. I don’t think this matters an iota. I imagine the way back to only be inhabited by snot-faced banshees, whacking each other over the head with Gogurt-covered Xboxes or whatever kids are into these days. One gripe: I counted two USB outlets up front, two in the middle row, and just one in the way back. I would double this, if not triple it.

Leaving the gorgeous yet whacky Calamigos Ranch where Ford staged the Expedition launch from on a “dynamic loop,” I might have jumped in front of another car, upsetting said car’s driver. Hey, I knew I had 480 lb-ft of torque, he didn’t. Anywho, you can imagine that he wasn’t exactly pleased, and he chose to illustrate this displeasure by attempting to hang on my rear bumper. Fat chance.  Not only was I able (and willing) to crush him on the straights, but by golly, the new Expedition also boogied through the corners. True, I had the SUV in Sport mode, but even if I had left things in Normal mode, the Expedition is, dare I say it, athletic. Not a sports car, obviously, but I was surprised at how easily I was able to wheel the thing up and down some pretty challenging Malibu canyon roads. Granted the Platinum model has continuously variable damping, but that suspension also has to deal with massive 22-inch wheels. Color me impressed, especially because again, the Expedition is fundamentally an F-150 with an independent rear end. When you’re not hustling the big brute, you’ll find a quiet cabin and a well-controlled, comfy ride.

I also got to sample the FX4 off roader on a pretty challenging dirt course. The big news with the FX4 is the addition of the two-speed transfer case and low gears. That said, the FX4 also gains a shortened air damn up front, underbody armor (sand guard for the engine, skidplate for the oil pan and transfer case, brush guard for the gas tank), model-specific running boards, and nubby Michelin Primacy tires riding on 5-spoke 18-inch wheels. I asked a Ford engineer if it’s particularly difficult to craft a vehicle that will be riding on wheels ranging from 18 to 22 inches. He nodded his head enthusiastically as to say, “Yes, it is.” Also, the FX4 is available in both regular length and Max size. There are a few off-road modes to play with, but Mud and Rut seemed to be the optimal choice for the course at hand.

There was a fairly tricky downhill section, and I commented to the FX4 engineer riding shotgun with me that I would like to run this particular section uphill. He told me that the truck could do it, but that after two waves of 50 journalists each, the sandy path would get destroyed. We actually run into this exact same problem each year during SUV of the Year, so I chose to (mostly) believe him. Anyhow, the new Expedition seemed fine off-road but nothing to write home about. Minutes later we encountered a section that did test the truck. We came to an uphill left-hander whose surface seemed to be composed exclusively of loose shale, some sort of busted rock. I wasn’t carrying enough speed on my initial approach, and as I applied more throttle, the Michelins dug into the rocks. I reversed down a car length, built up some speed, and took a slightly more packed-down but still loose and rocky path up. Although the FX4 struggled a bit, it climbed right on up. Didn’t even have to use 4-low. Impressive. Are there going to be many FX4 takers? No, Ford doesn’t think so. But the ability to do some medium-grade off-roading is there if you want it.

Next up came the real test: towing. Not because of what we were towing, a 5,500-pound horse trailer—the Expedition can tow 9,000 pounds in most trim levels, though the short wheelbase, 2×4 rig can haul 9,300 pounds—but because they had an identical horse trailer hanging off the back of a Chevrolet Suburban. For the past day, the idea had been crystalizing in my head that this new Expedition is pretty dang good. However, Chevy’s big twins are also great, which is why the Tahoe and Suburban are the unquestioned segment leaders, having sold 1,081,773 units between January 2010 and October 2017. Also, the best sales year to date for the GM twins was 2016, and 2017 looks to be second-best. Again, I’m not counting GMC or Caddy sales. That’s a lot of filthy, full-size SUV lucre. Also, as some of you are aware, I spend most of my time these days making videos. For the past five years, we’ve used a Chevy Tahoe (or Yukon, and once in a blue moon an Escalade) as our camera/support vehicle. Meaning I’m in and around big Chevys two weeks a month, if not more. To call me familiar with the GMT900 SUVs is a gross understatement. That said, until you actually drive two vehicles on the same day, on the same road, under the same conditions, you are working from human memory, which is perhaps the most unreliable commodity on earth.

The Ford mopped the hills of Malibu with the Chevy. Not even really a contest. This was most definitely not a repeat of Ford’s blunder with the Jeep on the Explorer launch. The Limited trim Expedition’s 470 lb-ft of torque straight up embarrassed the Chevy’s 5.3-liter V-8 and its 383 lb-ft. Much worse actually, was the transmission. General Motors has yet to drop their iteration of the joint 10-speed unit into their full-size SUVs. So the Suburban came with the antiquated (to put it charitably) six-speed auto that quite literally struggled to maintain 50 mph up a maybe 6 percent grade, even with tow mode switched on. At one point I put my foot flat to the floor for perhaps 40 seconds before the transmission bothered to downshift. Not cool, Chevy. It was so bad I actually asked the Ford engineer if they’d detuned the Suburban. He laughed and said they hadn’t touched ‘em. When the Chevy finally did downshift, the cabin filled up with a wretched sounding, high-pitch wail. Also, the ride quality under load was not so great— the truck seemed to wallow and wobble back and forth, especially uphill. To be fair, a 5,500-pound trailer is near the Suburban’s max capacity of 6,300 pounds, but still.

from PerformanceJunk WP Feed 3 http://ift.tt/2hcqY6G via IFTTT

[softspotforstars]

And have no clue where I am other than on a mountain.

Here goes nothing. Back of the pack, as usual.

So after K picked Paige up on Friday, the game plan was to leave out Saturday morning and go trail riding. Paige isn’t in shape by any means, so I figured we’d go on a nice relaxing ride for a couple hours, then hang out and talk horses for a similar amount of time, then head home. hahahahahahah.

We rode for a long time. Well, a long time for me. While my horse is apparently a very seasoned trail horse, she did not become that way with me. I can count maybe three times I’ve ridden on steep and/or rocky trails. The New River trail (my favorite because I’m a weenie) is level, flat, literally has footing, and lacks all scary edges where you may or may not plummet to your death, so my rides there don’t count as real trail rides as much.

This part was nice and easy.

Interestingly enough, I mostly didn’t feel like I was going to die on Saturday. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to walk on Monday (I’m never sore the day after), but alas, Monday has passed without me being sore. What is this sorcery? In case my complete lack of ride recaps this year hasn’t made it readily apparent, I have logged maybe one hour combined in the saddle so far this year and uh, yeah, the same goes for my saintly Paige, who toted me around like a champ.

So, in case you missed the point of the last two paragraphs, we as a team, are neither experienced with trail riding or in shape for it. Further yet, I have NO sense of direction. Truly, never let me guide you in a wooded area. I’m a landmarks type of girl, not a “turn left or turn right” type. Unless the turn is by a landmark-if the turn is in a cluster of trees that look like every other cluster of trees, I may send us the wrong direction.

Luckily I was with a group of seasoned trail riders who knew exactly where they were going, which felt kind of like everywhere by the time we were done. The footing was pretty rocky, and Paige just had front shoes on, so we mainly stayed in the back and took things very slowly.

A on Casey. Yes, her hand is wrapped. She may have had surgery earlier this month…also note the rocky footing.

Actually I was rethinking not having anything embroidered on my custom horn bag that I bought last year…”spectacularly slowly” seems to be Paige’s motto on trail rides (regardless of footing) and would be very fitting on the side of them. Speaking of my custom horn bag, I was pretty happy with it. I hadn’t really used it up to this point, so it was nice to try it out. I picked the colors (obviously…) and that I wanted a cup holder on the left and cell phone holder on the right. I’ll be honest, I didn’t use the cell phone holder at all because I have this fear that I would and somehow I’d get separated from my horse and be unable to call for help, as if we had any service out there anyway. So I kept my phone in my pocket unless I was snapping pictures. The cup holder was amazing because it meant that I could ride with my right hand, use my left to pull the thermos out, hit the button to open the lid, drink, close the lid, and put it back in the holder one handed. So I was pretty well hydrated the entire time because it was so easy to sip and ride. If you want a set of custom color trail bags, I 100% recommend the Bag Hag.

Teal and brown for lifeeee. Bonus turquoise water bottle in cup holder.

While I was well hydrated, Paige wasn’t big on drinking. We crossed a few creeks that she wasn’t interested in-unless pawing counts- and a water trough that was spring fed, and she still wasn’t interested. At the end of the ride, we walked across to the creek and she sipped a little once I was off of her, but then wasn’t interested again.

There was one long span of trail with the aforementioned rocky footing that was on a uphill grade that gave us some issues. She stumbled a lot and acted like she didn’t want to go forward to the point that I actually had to kick her forward, which made me feel bad. Once we got to the top of the hill, there was a clearing that has been named Hugo’s Meadow since it was cleared by hurricane Hugo in 1989.

Hugo’s meadow

Paige had been grabbing leaves off of trees on the way up, but really wanted to graze when we got here. I extended my arm and just let her graze the entire time we rested there, which ended up being a fair amount of time since another group of riders came up behind us and struck up a conversation. This was immediately prior to the spring fed trough, so I thought if she grazed some, she may be more inclined to drink. While that wasn’t the case, the grazing put a lot of pep in her step for the rest of the ride, so I was glad I let her refuel on some calories.

After we left the meadow, K mentioned that the route we were taking back down was shorter, but more steep, and that there was a section that I’d probably want to dismount and lead Paige down and that she was going to do the same since her horse wasn’t in tip top shape either. It wasn’t until we got closer that I was given more information on this section, which is apparently so steep that it has been dubbed “the slide.” When wet, it is not at all uncommon for the horse to lose their footing with their back feet and slide down it. Luckily the area was pretty dry, so the horses weren’t as likely to slide. I was going last since that was generally our position and it made me feel better to not have to worry about someone else’s horse rushing us down. When we got down for our turn and saw the rut, it was evident that Paige would have to go in the rut and I was to walk on the ledge, which was a great plan in theory until Paige decided that she liked my idea of walking on the ledge better. There was a pretty good drop off on the side of the ledge and no way that we were both walking on it at the same time and it was questionable that the ledge would bear Paige’s weight regardless, so K climbed back up the slide and told me to scurry down solo and that she’d get Paige in the rut.

I probably would’ve been able to get Paige in the rut myself, but between my general lack of coordination and the fact that my legs were utter noodles from 4ish hours of riding, I willingly handed Paige over and slowly scooched myself down the slide, nearly falling a couple of times myself. Below is K and Paige on the ledge (left) and Paige in the rut (right).

That was the scariest part of the ride. I hand walked for a little while further, then got back on. This section of trail was not my favorite and I was glad I had energetic post grazing Paige and not the tired version I pony kicked up the mountain prior. We rode in the woods a little while longer then opened a gate and came out in a field full of cattle.

Seemingly endless field.

Paige was VERY interested in the cows, and only halfheartedly grazed when we took a break here. It was nice to be out in an open area without rocks for a while, but the heat was pretty crazy compared to the cool air in the trees. We were soon back to the trees, but not until after following the cows a little ways.

Note cows ahead of the bay horse.

The rest of the ride was pretty uneventful (just the way I like it…) outside of my butt being pretty sore from so much riding. I’m apparently in better shape than I give myself credit for due to this workout program I’m in. Despite not riding this year, I wasn’t sore until we’d been riding for…almost five hours? My exercise class (and weigh in) was last night, and while I dropped another two pounds, I was more surprised that I wasn’t sore from riding during the workout. Paige is likely sore, but she’s living at K’s and eating lots of grass and apples and is very forgiving, so she’ll hopefully be glad to see me when I make it out there this week.

Looking pretty in “wine.”

Two Horse Tack sent me a halter bridle to review and it arrived just in time for the occasion. I really like it, and it worked well for leading Paige down the slide. I am going to add snaps to the reins after fiddling with those conway buckles though. Full review to come once I’ve used it a little more.

Outside of the slide, I found the ride really enjoyable in spite of the length/difficulty. I think once Paige is in better shape we’ll hit the trails again, but for now we need to work on getting in some practice for this ranch riding clinic we signed up for.

Her homework: eat all the things.

Here is the map of where we rode. I had A draw in green where we went because outside of a couple of places that I recognized, I wasn’t sure where we started or ended. I guess our trailer was parked somewhere between the two ends of the green line, because we did do a complete loop despite how this makes it look.

This map is about as good as it gets…because this was what I was going to show you to show where we rode.

  Don’t judge me. hahahaha

In Which I Follow People And have no clue where I am other than on a mountain. So after K picked Paige up on Friday, the game plan was to leave out Saturday morning and go trail riding.