#did I make my first tumblr post in about 9 years just for this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

doomwadz · 2 months

Text

☆ADAM LANZA ICEBERG☆

*this is a informational post!!*

this is my first iceberg, if theres ANY non-accurate information please put it in my ask or comment!!

if theres a topic im unfamiliar with—or not alot of information on, i will put a “★” by the topic.

TIER 1

☆12.14.12

12.14.12 is the date of the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting in Newtown, Connecticut by the perpetrator Adam Lanza. Killing 27 people (including Adam). And wounding 2.

☆AUTISM DIAGNOSIS

Adam was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at the age of 13, which would have been 2005.

☆SMIGGLES

Smiggles was one of Adam’s many usernames on the internet, he used it on a Columbine forum called Shocked Beyond Belief.

☆RYAN LANZA

Ryan Lanza is Adam’s older brother, born on 1988–he is currently 36 years old.

☆ALLEGED PEDOPHILIA

some people think Adam is a pdf file

☆28 VICTIMS

There were actually 27 victims in the shooting, but 28 (because Adam killed himself).

☆HARD DRIVE DESTROYED ★

also, this is just speculation; but alot of people thinks (majority of people) that Adam had cp on his smashed hard drive—?

FORGOT TO MENTION: he did have gore! they also found porn (not cp.) but detectives never said anything else.

☆CULTURALPHILISTINE

This is known to be Adam’s youtube channel started on September 7th, 2011

but it got shut down in 2021.

☆GAYFORTIMK & QUEERFORKIMVEER

i think this was a time that Adam had a tumblr! These were his usernames. i have some screenshots and somebody’s folder made for his tumblr.

and if you try to look for these links…they dont work (they work in the http/hmtl sense) they are people

who reuploaded his tumblr on their accounts and got taken down.

TIER 2

☆BIG BOOK OF GRANNY

The Big Book of Granny refers to a book that Adam and a classmate did in 5th grade in Sandy Hook.

The book is basically violent (for a 9-10 year old) to make, and there is cannibalism in the book too.

FEW EXAMPLES:

☆VEGANISM

Adam is vegan, there are some posts talking about how he only ate organic food. which its probably

not proven, he often spoke about not eating meat. There was a interview

with a woman and Adam Lanza, stating “He chose to be a vegan because people were

‘needlessly cruel’ to animals. Also, a tumblr post (https://www.tumblr.com/introspectionissexy/708027966023663616) stating what Adam said on a video of his, stating

“The McDonalds corporation exploits animals. I’ve been a vegan since i was thirteen but its kind of…completely retarded to think that youre actually accomplishing anything by not…being a vegan doesnt mean that you do not harm animals, by living, by choosing life you are…its life is innately harmful, life is innately coercive to everyone else…”

heres a list of Adam’s diet before he died:

Edamame

Green beans

Lima beans

Tomatoes

Cherry tomatoes

Silk brand Soy Milk

Flax seed

Purified water (with a mix of salt)

Celery

Organic pasture butter

Organic cranberry-pomegranate juice

☆”I’LL BOMB YOU”

This saying refers to a post made by the Reddit user u/brubz89 with the title of the post being

“i grew up across the street from one of the most notorious mass school shooters” explaining

his move to Connecticut during the summer. As the title suggests, he was neighbours with Adam Lanza.

explaining when brubz89, his sister, and Adam.

☆ANARCHY RADIO CALL

On december 20th, 2011–Adam called into Anarchy Radio, the host being John Zerzan, Adam had called

in using the name ‘Greg’. Adam called in to tell a old story (at the time) about Travis the Chimp.

☆ROOM 8 SURVIVOR

This may refer to a 6-year old girl that was a sole survivor that played dead in the classroom,

found by the police. Once she got out she told her mom that “Mommy, im okay, but all my friends are dead.” and said Lanza was a “a angry man.”

(picture of Room 8)

☆MKULTRA ★

didnt Adam hack into some government stuff…and treated at Skull and Bones Yale? hmmm…

☆ANTINATALISM

Antinatalism is a philosophical belief that having children are uneithical.

This stems from a video that Adam made on September 7th, called

“My Antinatalism” talking about his dislike for ‘culture’. with Adam stating

“I consider culture to be delusional values which humans mindlessly coerce onto each other, spreading it like no differently than any other disease.”

☆RYAN’S ID

This refers to when the shooting ended (when Adam killed himself) when his body

was found, Adam had Ryan’s ID. So, media thought that Adam was Ryan, Ryan came out on Facebook that Adam wasn’t him.

☆SEXUALITY ★

idk…alotta people think hes gay—😟.

☆SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF POSTS

This topic refers to Adam’s post as Smiggles (i love that name) on

Shock Beyond Belief forum. the date when he started using SBB was

on December 20th, 2009. On Wednesday December 30th, 2009 he

posted the infamous oatmeal berry chip-nut cookies recipe.

☆NANCY WORKED AT SHES ★

i think she volunteered at one point, but no she didnt work there—and i think this is a misconception by the media.

TIER 3

☆THE GHOST OF ADAM LANZA★

This refers to a thing that some people believed that they could hear a hum in the school after the shooting. The humming went away, so its just some stupid false claim that people made up

just to get a scare or a reaction out of people.

☆FINAL REPORT

the final report is the final report of Sandy Hook—which it isnt because many changes had accrued over time.

☆KAYNBRED

This refers to Adam Lanza’s Wikipedia account that he used to edit

on—he created his account on june 7th, 2009. his activity on this

account was August 6th, 2009 - February 4th, 2010.

heres a list of he edited on Kaynbred:

Collier Township Shooting (talk)

Dawson College Shooting

Westroads Mall Shooting

Luby’s Shooting

Wedgwood Baptist Church Shooting

Kip Kinkel

Sello Mall Shooting

Sunnyvale ESL Shooting

☆35 PAGE ESSAY

This refers to 35 page essay that Adam wrote for a collage application about pedophilia.

☆REGALSIN

RegalSin was a infamous user that used SydLexia and Shocked Beyond Belief (a forum that

Adam also used.) And he had the same beliefs as Adam about pedophilia. From some

sources it seems he (RegalSin) got banned from alot of forums at that time. Lanza (Smiggles)

wrote on SBB

“Say whatever you wish, but i know my love for RegalSin is real.”

“Gay marriage is legal in my state, i was just holding it out for RegalSin.”

☆BLARVINK

Blarvink is Adam’s first Wikipedia account, created on

February 4th, 2007. His activity on this account would be—through

April 11th, 2007 - March 1st, 2008.

heres a list of articles he edited on:

Blue Clues (talk)

Rant (talk)

Zygote

Ngorongoro Conservation Area

Fall of Saigon

1980 October Surprise theory

Newtown High School

Benjamin Pierce

Gas Constant

Alvin York

Underdog

James Baker

Spoom

Into the Wild

Darwin Awards

New Zealand

Barack Obama

☆MASS MURDER SPREADSHEET

This refers to Adam’s spreadsheet of mass murders/murders, there are four sheets;

in total there are 395 mass murders on Adam’s sheet. (yes i spent 20 minutes counting that…)

☆ASTROLOGY BOOKS ★

Nancy Lanza owned astrology books

i dont know if Adam had a interest in them though.

☆149 PHOTOS OF ADAM

This refers to 149 photos of Adam. (Alot of the photos you see

are his college ID and his picture with tech-club. There was some pictures

that were missing that made 142 pictures open, but a user found them.

mostly there pictures of when Adam was a kid.

examples:

(yipppppe!!)

☆CRYINGHAMSTER★

This refers to a user on tumblr by the name of Cryinghampster who would post

Adam Lanza related things.

there account isn’t available anymore.

☆THE SHELTERED STORM

This topic refers to a book/story by the author Matthew Nolan. you can find were to read it on the Internet Archive. the description reads:

“The true story of the man-made disaster that struck the village of Sandy Hook, Connecticut on December 14th, 2012.”

for me, it seems like a pretty good read from what others say, so give it a try.

TIER 4

☆FUCKCOMMENTS

This part refers to Adam’s second Youtube account called “fuckcomments”

His persona seems different on this one—a little more joke/troll-ish. (?)

here are some:

yes, its little different than his more intellectual/philosophical style of writing.

☆SANDY HOOK LIGHTHOUSE

i think this refers to a website/blog that has information on the Sandy Hook shooting.

☆TEST SHOT ★

Adam drove to Sandy Hook Elementary School and Adam fired his gun at a car at the front entrance parking lot.

He just wanted to make sure if his gun was working.

☆ANOREXIA INDUCED BRAIN DAMAGE

In Adam’s final months he did have anorexia-nervosa, even if you looked

at his diet list, he did not eat that much—(he most likely ate

frozen edamame because it has less calories.)

heres the list of calories (he probably) ate in a day:

Edamame — 130 calories (if frozen) if cooked is 189 cal.

Green beans — 31 calories

Lima beans — 13 calories

Tomatoes — 22 cal.

Cherry tomatoes — 25 cal.

silk brand soy milk (or just average soy milk) — SLIK BRAND (110 cal.)

Flax seed — 55 cal.

purified water (w/ salt) — 0 cal.

Celery — 15 cal.

Orangic Pasture Butter — 100 cal.

Orangic Cranberry-pomegranate juice — 130 cal.

In total the amount of calories he was eating was 631 cal. which at his

height and for a guy isnt good and make you seriously ill and have muscle loss.

for 6ft you should be eating around 2,200-3,000 calories for a guy.

so, autopsy reports show that he did in fact, have brain damage from anorexia.

*i am NOT a medical expert…so take this with a grain of salt and this might be wrong but imma leave it alone.*

☆DAFT HANDS

this part refers to on u/brubz89 story about being Adam’s neighbour. a user by the name u/NotMyMainCuzReasons said this:

Actually there was a post on Reddit saying that Adam referenced Daft Punk - Harder, Faster, Better, Stronger.

and Daft Hands played that song.

also, a classmate of Adam’s reported that he used to watch this with Adam and

ever since, could not watch it.

☆LYME DISEASE

Some might say that Adam may have a undiagnosed Lyme Disease, which some sources bring up good points. Lyme Disease can be causer by Deer Ticks, which they live in woods. Adam’s house is near the woods. Also, lyme can also cause psychological/neurological affects. Many—like Adam has, panic attacks, major depression, anorexia-nervosa, and OCD.

Adam actually did have Lyme disease and some people said he had a goitre but it wasnt noticeable in pictures.

☆3 MONTH ISOLATION

before the shooting, Adam hadn’t left his room in 3 months in…isolation. Not even talking to anyone expect for people online.

☆NANCY HAD MAUCHUSEN SYDROME BY PROXY ★

(A theory) That Nancy has Mauchausen Sydrome by proxy because she would occasionally tell people that she was sick even though she wasnt. And Nancy did nothing about Adam because she had some “gratification” for it.

☆YOUTUBE BOOKMARKS ★

this refers to ALL of Adam’s youtube catalog (basically his videos.)

TIER 5

☆PSYCHOSIS

(speculation) theres many sources that say Adam might have psychosis (which may be very possible not just because he shot up a school.) there was personal messages

that Adam has sent on (it said Shocked Beyond Belief because of Smiggles)

heres a part that i found interesting that i do think he did

have psychosis:

“i dont have a persistent sense of fear that you described, but around once every couple months when i gotten arbitrarily fatigued and its around 12:00 - 5:00 in the morning, i have images of distorted faces flashing through my mind. They’re similar sort of similar to the ones towards the end of Terror House, at about 75:00. When i first saw the scene, i mentally flinched for a moment because of its similarity to what i imagined in the past.” - October 23rd, 2010.

and heres a few sentences what i find interesting aswell:

“Getting back to the subject of paranoia—those images were the worst ‘hallucinations’ i had experienced until a couple of weeks ago late one night when i was getting very tired. The incident was so surreal that i only remember a small amount of the details. Basically, i began to ‘see’ many different things. Although i knew that none of it was actually real, it came as close to being real as it could for me without it being physically tangible. I heard screaming around me, and i had overwhelming sense that there was someone dead behind me. I kept seeing silhouettes flickering people everywhere. I felt like i had to cry. The entire ordeal persisted for about fifteen minutes and sort of faded away. Prior to it happening i never had that sort of delusional hysteria before. It was possibly the strangest thing ive experienced.” - October 23rd, 2010

Also, i would like to note—that Adam also did have depression, and also individuals who have major/severe depression or depression in general can experience psychosis or psychosis-like symptoms. Now this is not saying HE DOES in fact has psychosis, i just think this is a symptom…? but this could be a mix of different things.

☆CONGENTIAL ANALGESIA

This condition is a disorder where you cannot feel pain, and many sources say Adam may have this condition. A Psychologist, Elizabeth Laugeson said that

“People with Asperger's can be overly sensitive to things like touch, noise and pain, or sometimes under-sensitive,”

Also, a friend of Adam’s said he didnt feel any pain because he used to burn himself.

☆PETER LANZA DEAD IN HOBOKEN★

(this is just a theory)

okay, some sources say that (im going to assume safely) that there where some theories that Peter Lanza

was dead. But, this can be debunked by a picture of Ryan and Peter leaving the Hoboken NJ—police. (?)

☆A TRIAL OF ADAM LANZA

This refers to a book by Dan Howitt:

☆https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=n4hsEAAAQBAJ

☆WOW VIDEOS

This refers to a time when Adam actually played WoW, he never really gotten

to level 60. Also, he did have WoW video gameplay—saved on his computer but none were released. Little bit is known about his accounts on WoW or his time on WoW.

☆LANZA HOME SOLF FOR 1$

After the shooting, Ryan inherited Nancy’s house—the bank took control after Ryan agreed to sell it for $1. but there was pictures of the home being demolished.

☆MARY SHERLACH

Mary Sherlach was the school psychologist at Sandy Hook—she was one of the first people killed, while trying to rush kids to protection. Her death was while confronting Adam in the front hallway. She spent 18 years at Sandy Hook.

☆16 HOURS OF MURDER MUSIC

this refers to a playlist that Adam made under the “Knavesmig”

user.

which, the name other this playlist was “Mass Murder Music”

(correct me if im wrong :3)

☆NANCY LANZA: IN HER OWN WORDS

i think this used to be a article that (used to exist) explained Nancy’s life

through her emails that she sent to her friend (sorry if this is incorrect.)

☆CLUSTER A PERSONALITY DISORDER

i dont think he had this—i think this is just speculation (like FXS) but no records or when you search it up—doesnt say he has it on have any signs.

☆GRAPHIC GORE ON PC

i think this refers to a search warrant conducted on December 16th, 2012 in Nancy Lanza’s house.

but this search document shows it was searched on january 7th, 2013.

but, on exhibit #608 on page 17, it states that

“Three (3) photographs with images of what appears to be a deceased human covered with plastic and what appears to be blood.”

also, in the fuckcomments account he did mention liking gore websites, linking a gore website (its possibly redacted for…obvious reasons). but i dont know if thats connected in the same way.

☆SELF-HARMING THROUGH BURNING

This refers to a time before the before the shooting happened that Nancy told a friend that

Adam was burning himself with a lighter. Nancy later told the friend that he burning

himself in “the ankles or arms or something.”

The friend of Nancy later told “The New York Daily News” that:

“She confided over a drink, “he was getting worse.”

TIER 6

☆NOBADMEMES ★

not much known about this one, but i tried looking for the mentioned “nobadmemes” on the audio transcripts of Adam’s videos. But it is known that he did mention it. maybe im just blind…lol.

☆PAUL FOX

Paul Fox was Adam’s psychiatrist

for five years before Adam shot up Sandy Hook. Paul Fox was 66 when he

sexually assaulted a teenaged girl. He faced up towards 18 months in prison after pleading

guilty to assaulting her.

☆RAPIDSHARE ACCOUNT

This was a account that Adam had, nothing known about it because his father (Peter) advised

authorities to delete his account. Also, if your familiar with Adam, you may know

that he had a known playlist on Rapidshare that was named “16 Hours of Mass Murder Music”

Which it was possibly filled with music that was about different mass murders.

take this with a grain of salt…

☆KNAVESMIG

This was the last account that is known Adam had last used on Wikipedia.

His account was created on June 19th, 2012 and it was active through

June 19th, 2012 - June 20th, 2012.

He didnt really write or contribute to anything…but ill list it anyway.

List:

Lord Gon (talk)

also! he had the last post of the discussion page, named “Hark.”

Which, ill leave some screenshots because i got way too happy when i found this!!

☆USED PISTOL IN SHOOTING

This refers to the guns that Adam used during the shooting.

ill list what he used (+ pictures) and ill explain this topic afterwards.

List:

Bushmaster AR-15 Rifle.

Glock 10 mm.

Sig Sauer 9 mm.

But, i would like to clear things up that—Adam did use the Bushmaster through out the shooting.

He used one of his handguns to kill himself with, (most likely with a Glock 10 mm.)

Also, just to clarify he also had a Izhmash Saiga 12 in his Honda Civic.

☆ONLINE FRIEND PREDICTS MOTIVE★

this was a girl that got investigated by the FBI and she said something on the lines of “killing children to ‘free’ them” (i cant remember and i dont have source for this…but it does exist!)

☆EULAVISM

This is basically the belief that Adam “created” which, the term eulavism with -ism and value spelled

backwards. Adam used this term in this sentence which…he talks about his

most favourite thing! VALUE!

“So, instead of an Efilist, im more of a eulavist. Eh, i only oppose life because life is the source of value and its value that i really hate. And, well, i guess that just says it all: i have a vendetta against value.”

Also, Adam says this on his video called “Rambling vlogrant of a ruminative vagrant (part 2/2)”

made on September 8th, 2011.

☆NIGHT ELF

This refers to the a 2010 video of a man dressed in a elf costume, Adam showed a online friend this video and Adam and the friend used to joke about the elf coming out at night to their house.

☆FRAGILE X SYNDROME

alot of people speculated that Adam had this, which…the size of his head—y’know…kinda explains why he looked like the way he did.

☆SANDYHOOKED.NET

Sandy Hooked . net was a website that was explaining the Sandy Hook case and Adam Lanza.

and also talked about rumours of certain aspects.

☆JULY 18TH

This part refers to pictures that Adam took in his “suicide poses” which, i will share

screenshots and explain them.

this was taken on July 18th, 2010 at 6:01 pm. This was found on Adam’s computer with a

filename “Kaynsu2” which i think Kayn refers to his name that Adam used on Wikipedia

during 2009 - 2010 (same time). It was in a folder named “fun”. He is using the Izhmash Saiga 12

that was later found in his car during the shooting.

this was also taken in July 18th, 2010 at 6:08 pm. This was also found on Adam’s computer

with the filename “kaynsu1” and was also in the same folder as “kaynsu2”.

TIER 7

☆STOLEN MAIL

A Youtube channel by the name “Miriam1” uploaded a video of a man driving up to

36 Yogananda Street on on December 17th, 2012, stealing Lanza’s mail and opening it.

…lol.

☆DDR GIRL★

Adam used to be known as DDR boy and a girl he used to play with—staff only known her as DDR girl.

☆FATHER JOHN J. CASTALDO

there was a blog that was talking about how Adam was SA’d by this catholic priest (?) and had multiple points why Adam didn’t really liked getting touched and certain things the way he did. (?)

☆ATF FORM 4473 ★

A form that is used if you want to purchase guns.

☆PEPPERMINT PARK

A creepy ass kids show that used to be on VHS tapes 1987 - 1988 and supposedly Adam liked this show…? (basically a bootleg sesame street.)

☆ARYANEMPIRES ★

This seems like a blog created by someone named “Joel” that uses Cryinghampster evidence for Adam Lanza, the blog seems skattered all over place (imo) so…idk. (was also a channel as well).

☆INTROARAL GUNSHOT

From Adam killing himself.

☆INMENDHAM

this refers to Gary Inmendham, i think his a philosophy content creator on Youtube. Adam mentioned him on his video called “Rambling Vlogrant of a ruminative vagrant (Part 2/2)” uploaded on Semptember 8th, 2011. Which he mention Efilism, which is a philosophical belief that Inmendham created.

Also, Adam supposedly liked watching Inmendham.

☆KIFFERSTUEBCHEN★

This refers to post on Reddit talking about they almost played with Adam, and they mentioned

that Adam had a KiFFERSTUEBCHEN account. And in German this means “gameserver.”

☆ADAM’S NEIGHBOUR

This refers to Adam’s neighbour ended up killing people as well.

TIER 8

☆FOOTAGE OF ADAM SHOOTING THROUGH FRONT WINDOW

this happens to be a rumour of footage of Adam shooting at the front window, though some people say that they saw it, but the front of the school cameras werent recording.

☆DIED IN HALLWAY

Dawn Hochsprung and Mary Sherlach died in the hallway, people thought it

was Adam, but Adam died in Room 10.

*btw the black part is his knees.*

☆9:46:54 ★

this refers to the time when the shooting ended. (which it actually ended at 9:40 am.)

but it could refer to the final shot.

☆THE HUM

The “hum” refers to a phenomenon that people consider “real” and it had reported cases that

some people could hear a persistent and invasive low-frequency humming—not not

everyone could hear it, and such cases where reported from the United Kingdom and United States.

Some people actually speculated it stopped when Sandy Hook happened, and teachers

reported cases of hearing it before the shooting—which again, this is proven false,

and a thing that some conspiracy theorist thought up…

☆GORE PHOTOGRAPHY

this happens to be a time when Adam was on his “queerforkimveer” account of Tumblr, and he uploaded

gore pictures of the corpses of perpetrators (such as Charles Whitman from 1966), after they killed themselves or got shot. Also, the post labels who is who and what guns they used in their attack.

☆MEDIAFIRE ACCOUNT

Newtown investigators found Adam’s Mediafire account—and the investigators claim

the content that was found on the account thought it was completely appropriate to delete

the account, Peter—signed a consent to assume online identity form to access rights

to the FBI and all data has been said to been erased. So, not that known about this

account—or even the name.

☆AE PAGE

this is kinda like the final report.

☆PRN CD★

it was found out that Adam did have porn in possession but detectives said that there was no illegal content.

(as we dont know.)

☆TRUE MOTIVE ★

i think this refers to a negative/narcissistic public presentation of his thoughts and beliefs.

☆MESSAGE WRITTEN IN NANCY’S BLOOD

this is a rumour that Adam wrote something in Nancy’s blood, but theres nothing that proves that.

congratulations! you made it at the end of iceberg! (ill link sources later…) thank you for

reading—this is my first iceberg, so sorry if my information is wrong. ill make more icebergs in the future. :)

★☆★☆

also credit goes to @kaynsui for the iceberg chart :3

360 notes · View notes

blindfaithmate · 27 days

Text

All the Drarry fics I have read and liked - Part 1

This is in no particular order; honestly, this list has no organisational method. I am only noting down the fanfics I've read and liked.

Grounds for Divorce by Tepre - Do I even need to say anything about fic? amazing fic. The emotions, the writing, the scenes. The angry Harry and the demure Draco. Ah! Love it.

Casting in the Dark by Flowerfan- Very cute post-war 8th-year Hogwarts story. Found it on Tumblr. The first time Draco, you know, experiences that with Harry, he doesn't even notice because Harry is that oblivious and apparently drunk. It's a cute read. (Another story - To the Beat of You - Harry has a secret and because of that does not stay the night at Draco's (his boyfriend's) place. Not a heartbreaking secret. Cute secret.)

Scenes of Surrender by Rasborealis - this story made me wonder if ever I will be able to give in to something or someone completely, just as Draco did in this story. A quick summary is that Draco is quiet and keeps his head down after the war. Harry cares that he is quiet and isn't speaking much. A mute Draco is common in 8th-year stories and this one is also nice. Anyway, Harry can't leave him alone (lol) and yeah. The way the author has written down scenes where Draco is surrendering is a piece of art.

Round Trip for One by Rasborealis - They are roommates and Harry is oblivious that he loves Draco. His innocent tries to get Draco to date better leads to fights and a very cute union. Would read again if I ever had a bad day and wanted to feel better!

9 times Harry kissed Draco and the 1 time Draco kissed Harry by aw_godusopp_no - Harry doesn't like that Draco uses swear words. He has a fun way to make him stop. Draco catches on, more like, Harry told him what he is doing and the one time, Draco actually does it on purpose to get Harry to kiss him. I love these 2 goofballs.

Say It with Flowers by SasuNarufan13 - Draco uses pureblood customs to court Harry. Harry is, like always, oblivious. (I love oblivious Harry). I couldn't complete it because got too sweet for me. But I still liked it a lot. Would read parts of it again.

knickers in a twist by technicolourbeat - I have already read it thrice. Draco wears skirts. Harry gets randy. Randy, randy, randyyyy boys. Love thissss!

The Standard You Walk Past by bafflinghaze - Harry has a sleepwalking problem and Draco just wants to repay his life debt. The author has a few other Drarry fics as well that are a good read.

Now I Wake Up In The Night and Watch You Breathe by hoko_onchi - Oh, it has unhinged Harry. Super unhinged but I still love it. Harry gets Draco because he wants Draco. Stalks him, manipulates him in a way? Read the tags, definitely. But if you love toxic love, this is for youuuuu! (This gives a lot of 'You' vibes - that Penn Badgley show)

Fantastic Flip Fuck with Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy! by hoko_onchi - Oh god, can't ever forget this fic. Such lovely, lovely written smut scenes. Both are p0r*stars and come together on screen. I said that and the author really meant it. Please read it. You won't regret it.

I will be back with another list.

Please read the tags before starting a story. all my love to the authors. Really grateful to them.

Keep writing, reading, and loving Drarry 🩶 💚

#draco malfoy #harry potter #drarry fic #hp fanfiction #draco x harry #hpdm #harry x draco #fic rec

163 notes · View notes

moirindeclermont · 3 months

Text

5+ things I love about the Mirror Scene

also know as horny edition, reprise, again I decline every responsability if "feelings" arise during the reading of this thread. I'll be tempted of discussing the scene frame by frame, but I shall restrain myself to the most important points maybe

1) Words. This is not just about the speech at the beginning of the scene but also throughout the entire piece. I'm a writer, ofc I love when people use words well. Pleas don't make me say how many times I though about Mr Colin "I love dirty talking" Bridgerton (a couple of people actually knows) because it could become uncomfortable very quick.

2) Consent. Consent. Consent. I'll repeat every time because it's the sexiest thing I've seen. What do you mean it ruins the mood? Your partner is checking in with you and it builds trust connection and intimacy. It's not apart from the act. It's a fundamental part of the act.

3) Boobs. I'm sorry to report that, even as a fellow member of the perfect breasts club, I'm absolutely not immune. Not even one bit. I'm not even sorry I'm not immune. Thank you, Nicola, your service was wildly appreciated. (But seriously, did I buy a more revealing dress because I was a bit more confident of my own because of this bit? Yes! So, jokes aside thank you Nicola for your service)

4) Guidance. Gentle Dom Colin is my favorite Colin and I will never be able to hear the word "lie down" without thinking of him. But also, the tenderness displayed, the softness, the attention to the partner's needs, it's all part of a pattern of Colin being the most attentive partner.

5) "You are so beautiful", I'm not going to lie, I'm still walking 5 feet taller because of that. It healed something in me. It doesn't magically cure all the self issues problems, but it hit me the first time and it hit me again everytime. And if it was healing for you as much as it was for me, let me give you a hug. You are so beautiful!

(I can't believe I can't find the gif, if someone knows where to find it, please tell me, i'll edit the post)

6) "Not there. Not yet." Colin Bridgerton, Master of Edging. I see you Sir. I approve you wanted to wait for round 2 for that. But don't hide you did say that because you would finish in 0.1 second if she would arrive that. Still, even just for the cutest expression on Pen's face, it was worth it.

7) "Is there more?", Pen I want to hug you (respectfully and dressed, of course). His nod. Her blinding smile. Lord (don't) forgive me, I do not care about sinning when it never looked and felt better.

Gif by @polinsated

8) All the moments where you can see the lust and the pleasure in Pen's eyes. I will never shut up about it. They send me always into the stratosphere because it feels real. I don't know they do it, but it just feel real.

9) "Can we do it again?" What can I tell you? It's always the quiet one (I should know, I'm also a quiet one 😏) I'm not sure Colin realize what he did awake but he will become aware soon. I'm sure he doesn't mind.

(it's not my gif, stupid Tumblr, it's from @polinsated )

10) Let's be honest. All the above are real, but what really sell this scene is trust, connection and intimacy. It's not an easy thing to communicate but somehow they do it perfectly. And the nudity is functional to this goal. It adds another layer.

I love this scene but the me I was some years ago might have hated it because it is a mirror indeed for me. The me I am now is grateful that this scene exist. Because it's kind of the goal, to have that trust, intimacy and connection. So maybe it's a sign from the Universe. Maybe it's a sign of things to come. I certainly do hope so.

Maybe one day I might be able to talk about this scene without tearing up, but today is not that day.

#polin #bridgerton #bridgerton season 3 #polin positivity #bridgerton s3 #bridgerton spoilers #luke newton #nicola coughlan #colin bridgerton #colin x penelope #penelope featherington #penelope bridgerton #penelope x colin #bridgerton netflix #mirror scene #colin my wife bridgerton #long post

329 notes · View notes

lizzy06 · 2 months

Text

Atsumu Miya x Reader Fic Recs!!

(Tumblr/AO3/Wattpad)

Haikyuu! Fic Rec Masterlist

Inarizaki Fic Rec Masterlist

A Debt Repaid✨ by matchumu (oneshot, sibling love)"Just keep the money." Atsumu repeats. "Don't think of it as a charity. Just think of it as a debt repaid."It was Miya Atsumu who bought the first Onigiri Miya store. [COMPLETED]

a world without you by my side by farozaan (oneshot, happy ending, waking up in alternate au, time travel) He wanted just a single day without his brother all around him. That would be paradise. Miya Osamu makes a wish and regrets it. [COMPLETED]

shrimply in love ✨ by @caelivir (oneshot, fluff) atsumu wholeheartedly prayed that you forgot how you first met, and for a while he believed that you did. that is until he finds the literal token from that day.[COMPLETED]

MSBY! Soulmate x Reader by @watevermelon (oneshot, fluff, slight angst to fluff, mutual pinning)You knew all about his personality, whether through the rumor vine or the numerous warnings your friends gave you. But there was no avoiding it - he was your soulmate after all .[COMPLETED]

The Boy Next door by @quirrrky (neighbors, humor, enemies to lovers, fake dating, friends to lovers) Your new neighbor is everything you’ll never ask for. Your life starts changing for better and for worse when Miya Atsumu rents the apartment next to you. The most unfortunate part? Everything about him. With his annoying good looks and equally irritating charm, how can you not resist the boy next door? [HIATUS??] <this is a lovely fic but has not been updated in a while, but I am still putting it up here !!>

In Screaming Color✨ by moonmayhem (oneshot, soulmate au, fluff)A soulmate AU where, if you dye your hair, your soulmate's hair changes as well. [COMPLETED]

an epilogue of sorts by mooshys (oneshot, fluff, humor)Atsumu wants to prove that he definitely knows his way around the kitchen by opting to cook dinner for you to celebrate your one year anniversary together. Thing is, he needs a little help if he wants to impress you tonight.[COMPLETED]

Shower Friends ✨✨by just_j(fake dating, enemies to lovers, fluff, angst)The dorm you live in has co-ed bathrooms. Why that’s even remotely a good idea is beyond you; and recently, your precious shower time is being interrupted by a certain blonde haired setter for the volleyball team. And when he lies to his teammates that he has a girlfriend, somehow you get roped into his scheme to convince them he does. [COMPLETED]

A Genius mess by @mimi-cee-hq (oneshot, fluff)Atsumu insults you, the quietest girl in his class. But as he gets to know you, your few words often leave him blushing.[COMPLETED]

(un)loving miya atsumu✨✨ by alicemitch09(angst, Unrequited love, Jealousy, Happy ending)You were 9 when you first met the Miya twins when you moved to Hyogo. The two boys would eventually turn to be your closest friends, as much as rascals the two can be. you loved one twin more than the other - a love that was more than friendship. Sadly, Atsumu obviously loved your big sister more. Of course he did, she was everything you were not.[COMPLETED]

incomplete song ✓✨ | angst, post break up | one shot | by @tooruluv

Hecklin' ✨by Airomi (fluff, humor) according to your experience, bothering someone so much that they fall in love. [COMPLETED]

Call You Mine [Miya Atsumu X Reader] by tsumusamu(friends to lovers, fluff, angst, mutual pinning)Being in unrequited love with your best friend sucks. It's even worse when the friend you're in love with is Miya Atsumu. [ONGOING]

That's My Girl by wttcsms(oneshot, smut) Atsumu Miya gets jealous.[COMPLETED]

Jealous atsumu ✨ by @etherrreal (oneshot, fluff, comfort)atsumu swears he’s not the jealous type, until the pictures you post with his brother prove him wrong.[COMPLETED]

little changes ✨by kuroopaisen (enemies to friend to lovers, past roommates )Miya Atsumu is the bane of your existence. but, that means different things at different times of your life.[COMPLETED]

Mind Boggling Pt 1, Pt 2✨ by @seokiloquy (soulmate au, fluff, humor)At particular times (Once a year/ certain age/ hours/ or randomly) soulmates swap bodies for some time.[COMPLETED]

“These Words” by @myhaikyuuthings (oneshot, soulmate au, angst)soulmate au your soulmates last words ever said are on your body, they turn red when said, first words ever said to you are on another part of your body, they turn gold when said.[COMPLETED]

with our fates tangled together by @chunhua (oneshot, angst to fluff) soulmates are bound together by a red string.[COMPLETED]

Unexpectedly yours by @love-nishinoya-yu (Soulmate au, oneshot) You have the same tattoos.[COMPLETED]

nice receive✨ by @tsumusamu (oneshot, fluu, humor) eight months into your relationship, atsumu takes you to meet his family. things don’t go as planned, but of course, everything ends up alright in the end anyway. alternatively, miya atsumu adores you and his family thinks it’s easy to see why.[COMPLETED]

I’m Here, So Sleep by @dokifluffs (oneshot, fluff, comfort) Warnings: anxiety towards school and life, overthinking, insomnia. [COMPLETED]

Set the Bar High by BeansNCornbread(enemies to lovers, fluff, smut, angst)A college AU where you work at an off campus bar and when Atsumu finds this out, he never leaves you alone. Classic enemies to lovers storyline with serendipity, snide comments, and a whole lot of sexual tension.[COMPLETED]

you're not the one✨ ✨ by heartcondemned (fake dating, strangers to lovers, fluff and angst) How to make your lifelong crush jealous and like you back? Easy.Fake date one of his friends. [COMPLETED]

So...What do Ya say? by @yourstarvic After finding your fiancé you have been with many years cheating on your best friend. You tried to confront them but they never showed up…So what do you do? You drink at the bar trying to figure out what to do. And who else there to help you if not the good looking stranger you met at the bar? [COMPLETED]

Email Me Why✨ by @yourstarvic(oneshot, fluff, humor)Atsumu needs to come up with the perfect email to go on a date with his captain's little sister. [COMPLETED]

You okay? by @yourstarvic (oneshot, angst) It's your wedding day, atsumu is sad. [COMPLETED]

lazy texter by myhugelove (fluff, humor, online friends to lovers) a short fic in which a schoolmate who is not on his phone much suddenly becomes great at texting when it comes to you. [COMPLETED]

you found me✨ by Amy_stark117(fluff, angst, eventual smut)Miya Atsumu had his life goals set - volleyball, fame, and success. Nothing could stand in his way. You threw all that out the window, simply by sitting next to him in class. [COMPLETED]

7 Reasons by Channelei(mutual pinning, fluff, humor)in which you realize why you fell in love with your hot headed, over-confident, cocky, arrogant asshole of a best friend.[COMPLETED]

then the moment came by @justauthoring (oneshot, soulmate au, loosely based of silent voice) It just never was the right time. Not then, not later, until it suddenly is and everything’s… different.[COMPLETED]

Diligence ✨by kaientai (friends to lovers, childhood friends, requited unrequited love) Diligence requires the courage of a fool who wouldn't think twice before walking into an open flame, and in the span of a few months, your childhood friend Atsumu proved that he truly is one of the biggest fools to date. [COMPLETED]

Forget me,too ✨ by @saintobio (oneshot, angst, hurt/comfort, past lovers) after a series of broken promises and unresolved arguments, perhaps all atsumu needed is to hear you say good bye for one last time.[COMPLETED]

sweetner ✨ by flying_raijin(fake dating, fluff, angst, humor)you're just being petty. Faking a relationship with the first guy in sight after the love of your life dumps you out of nowhere? [COMPLETED]

How He Shows You Affection by @jayeray-hq(oneshot, fluff)[COMPLETED]

He’s My Best Friend by @jayeray-hq(oneshot, fluff)[COMPLETED]

White noise ✨ by 1keshi(childhood friends, friends to lovers, slowburn, fluff, angst) you force a therapist to listen to the story of how you fell in love with your childhood friend, because what else are you supposed to do? [COMPLETED]

A Bit Yours ✨by Declaraso (fake dating, enemies to lovers, humor) Atsumu's clumsy with words. You think he's a jerk. But for some reason, you both agreed to go through such a stupid plan.[COMPLETED]

The Breaking Point✨ by melremade(smut, oneshot)They say there’s a thin line between love and hate. When it comes to Miya Atsumu, it might as well be a brick wall topped with barbed wire and surrounded by a minefield. [COMPLETED]

Perfect Union by wttcsms(oneshot, fluff, smut, friends to lovers)[COMPLETED]

Laws of Motion by miyachondria (friends to lovers, slowburn)First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage -- according to every other person.[ONGOING]

(1) One Missed Call by satorini (teetorini)(smut)You work for an anonymous phone sex business on campus, and you would have never guessed that your first client would be the Atsumu Miya—most popular guy on campus who sits three seats ahead of you in calculus. And you're pretty sure he doesn't even know you exist. [ONGOING]

One Day by flying_raijin()When you get asked by Vogue Japan to be the star of their "Day in the life of a Pro Volleyball player" video, you agree because you don't think there's much that could go wrong. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is an absolute menace, and decides to act as such for the whole world to see.[COMPLETED]

FWB by flying_siphonophore(fluff, smut, angst, mutual pinning)What comes after a kiss that shouldn't have happened in the first place?[COMPLETED]

lovestruck, watching over you by strawberricream(fluff, mutual pinning)in your second year of high school, you catch atsumu’s eye. he tries to get to know you when he realizes that it didn’t take much work to open you up. in your third year together in the same class, he realizes that the hard work came from elsewhere.[COMPLETED]

Storm Chaser by sunmoonstarsrain()Being with Miya Atsumu is like chasing a storm - equal parts exhilaration and danger. After all, it's impossible to tame a storm.[COMPLETED]

A Second Chance by Gremlin_Lord (Unplanned pregnancy, angst, fluff) Atsumu broke up with you 3 years ago. But fate had other plans and decided to reunite the two together with your kid along. [ONGOING]

235 notes · View notes

ssivinee · 1 year

Text

✧Wounded Heart✧

Part 1 | Part 2

BEBE! Bada Lee x F Reader: You've always been known as the smartest student in school, while Bada was known as the campus heartthrob and player. She decides to take advantage of her situation, but puts your heart on the line along with her passing grade.

Word Count: 9.2k

TW: Slight self harm

Note: This is the longest fic I've written so far😮‍💨. I felt so evil writing this, but I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THE ANGST😈. ALSO, please check out my new rule. If not, it just warns blogs with no pfps and reblogs. I have a high chance of soft-blocking you, as I may get shadowbanned bc Tumblr can't defer you from bots.

Character Vision Board

You were never one to gain any attention from anyone. Frankly, you liked it that way.

Known as the most reserved yet nerdiest student in school, you were never called by your name. How could anyone put a name to your face when no one knew what it was. People had only given you the title of top student in university.

Most people knew of your existence, but by always wearing your oversized hoodie over your head, glasses, and mask, you kept your identity a secret amongst your peers. You survived high school like this, so being in your final year of university and still being able to maintain it was a breeze.

It was a regular Monday morning, and you sat in the library before classes, trying to freshen up on your Physics lesson yesterday. You woke up at 6 a.m. to get ready, showered, and ate breakfast with an energy drink before heading out to the library. That was your daily routine, the loner lifestyle, if you will.

As you typed away on your computer, the buzz of other students started coming in waves at 9 a.m., hitting the clock. That meant it was time to head to your first class. After multiple hours of classes, hand-cramping notes, and sitting in the back of every subject, you headed to your favorite class, computer science. For some reason, your brain was highly advanced in this area, making it enjoyable.

30 minutes go by, and just sitting in the back of the class, a tall, nonchalant figure walks in. You visibly see your teacher's face contort as she rolls her eyes at the student. The notorious Bada Lee came in late once again. You believed she began to do it on purpose at this point, as she stopped giving excuses for her tardiness by the second week.

The thought certainly loitered in the back of your mind. You never understood why Bada was the way she was. This was one of the few classes with several options, so if you wanted to avoid taking it, you had multiple other choices. Yet, even being late every day, she showed up and did the work.

Maybe not to the best of her abilities, but she still did it.

There were a few things to note about Bada. She was captain of the school's basketball team and had a distasting reputation. The campus player and heartbreaker. It felt as though, every week, there was new drama surrounding a girl whose heart got broken by the tall student, and it always made you want to roll your eyes every single time. Never understanding why these girls chased and chased, even when knowing their situationships wouldn't be the way it was from their fantasies.

Nearing the end of the class, everyone was getting ready to leave, but the Professor stopped anyone from going further. "Before you leave, I want to discuss the upcoming midterm project."

She pulls up the presentation on the board and explains, "This project requires you to make an updated website for the school. The requirements will be posted online by the end of the day, and I will assign you a partner for this. The highest grade will have their website be used as the new official website for our school. This will be due a month from now."

Everyone becomes surprised and happy at the prize for their upcoming trials. Your professor begins to list the names, and she gets to you, "Baek Y/n... and Bada Lee." Your heart sank instantly at those words.

You grumble with your head down. Out of all the people in the class, you got stuck with the one who'd rather mess with a girl at any chance she had.

Bada sits in her seat, brows furrowed. Who the fuck was Baek Y/n?

Bada knew almost everyone, but she'd never heard of that name. That's when the Professor lets everyone go, and she sees a girl walk up to the teacher. You wore the gigantic hoodie, and Bada couldn't see your face, but with all the gestures you gave your teacher, you seemed like you weren't pleased about something. When she hears you huff in annoyance, and your eyes meet hers while leaving, she sees anger bubbling behind them.

Bada gets up, confused, and heads over to the teacher. "Professor Min, who was that?"

"That was your partner Baek Y/n. You've heard of the top student before, right?" Her eyes double at the older man's words, and her face becomes extremely happy. She would undoubtedly be using this to her advantage.

"Now, don't think of trying to get the girl to do all the work, Bada. I'm allowing you to bring up your grade with this project." She nods furiously before heading out to tell her friends the news.

She sees them over at their school's common room, and her friends, Aiki, Noze, Lee Jung, and Emma, give her weird looks like Bada grew three heads. "Now, why is she cheesing now?" Aiki asks, and the taller girl replies with a smack to her arm.

"You guys won't believe who my partner is for my computer science project."

The four girls looked at each other and began naming several popular girls. Bada rolls her eyes at her friend's antics. "Well, you wanna tell us? We named like half the girls already." Noze says.

"Baek Y/n."

...

"Baek, who now?" Lee Jung looks at her in amusement, but your title shocks them, "Top Student." Their eyes grow wide. The group looked around the room to see if they could find you. "Her name is Baek Y/n?" Emma confirms, "She's in my class, so I'm pretty sure that's her name."

"Well, if you don't ace that project, she must hate you." Lee Jung jokes, making Bada think, "Truth be told, she didn't seem too happy about being my partner either."

"We wouldn't be happy either." "Can't blame her."

They kid around, but Aiki tells the girl, "You better stay on her good side. I'm sure if you don't do the work, she'll find a way to ensure you don't have a shared grade." "True, she's always been partnered with smarter kids, so she's never had an issue, but knowing you? You’re gonna need to play nice girl this time, Bada."

Bada scoffs at Emma's words, "She'll do the work by herself whether she likes it or not. Besides, I'm on everyone's good side." She shows a cocky grin, but Emma and Lee Jung specifically can't help but doubt her. "I don't know about this one. Doesn't seem like an easy girl to get through."

"Nah, have some faith in our girl," Noze says, patting Bada's hip. "Wanna bet on it?" Bada says, with pure confidence backing her up. "I get her to fall for me, and you owe me a month of doing all my assignments." Lee Jung smirks at the girl, "Deal."

"So when are you gonna start?" Noze asks as she eats her chips. "Not sure. Definitely not tonight, though. I'm seeing Redy after practice." All her friends roll their eyes at the girl's name, finding her ignorance ever so bothersome.

The next morning, you find yourself in the same spot as usual and have begun the project already. Bada finds herself looking for you on campus and figures, where do all nerds hang out?

The library.

She makes her way over, and as she enters, she automatically finds you in the corner of the large hall. "Hey there, partner," She greets, and you look at her dead in the eyes, "What are you doing here?" Your tone ached in annoyance.

"Come on, don't be like that. I want actually to try on this project."

"Fine. Let me ask you this first. Why are you even in computer science?" You were straightforward, your serious demeanor never fading. Bada is surprised by your daring question but never trembles, "I just thought it would be interesting." An irked scoff is heard from behind your mask, "Yeah, right," was said with an eye roll. Well, this is gonna be harder than she thought.

"I'm being serious. I wanna earn the grade as well." She whines slightly, and your eyes cry disgust. "Give me your number, and we can work on the project at my house after basketball practice." You grumble and slouch in your chair, and Bada, unconsciously, finds the position adorable as your oversized hoodie collapses on your body, "Sure," is all you mumble, not wanting any more trouble than there already was.

Bada grins as you write your information down on a purple post-it note and shows her excitement when you hand it over to her. You sat there as she left the library, wondering what she had planned for you. It wasn't like Bada to talk to nobodies to "do work." Yet the sooner you had this project done, the better you took her words with a grain of salt, hoping she was being at least a little truthful with her words.

You weren’t one to trust many people’s words, particularly from individuals like Bada, but you knew it had to be done for the sake of your grade. A hefty sigh leaves your body, and you try to go about your day without going too deep into it. During your last period, you feel your phone buzz and read an unexpected message.

Bada Meet me after practice at 5 PM at the gym. I’ll give you a ride so we can work on the project.

The recurring disdain takes over your face again as you read. You hate that you even had contact with the girl, so you just leave her on read as you remind yourself about the meeting. You would just have to wait for her, deciding to go to the school's garden as you let time pass. On the other end of campus, Bada stares at her phone in dismay, “Did she just leave me on read?” She mumbles to herself, and her fellow co-captain hears the uncommon words from the latter’s mouth. “Someone leaving the queen Bada on read? You don’t hear that every day,” Haechi tells the girl, and Bada sneers at the comment. “She’s just playing hard to get for now. Trust, she’ll fall for me by the end of the week.”

“Who is it anyways?” Haechi questions. “Baek Y/n,” she simply states, and the other’s eyes widen. “Like top student Baek Y/n?” Bada looks at her in confusion, “You know her?”

The latter shrugs, “We went to the same high school. She’s a sweet girl,” she adds, and Bada’s curiosity grows. “Sweet? Do you even know what she looks like?” “Nope, but if you care about your grades, she’ll notice and help you, even if you're struggling.”

Haechi was one of the few popular students in university who focused on her grades, so her statement wasn’t so out of the blue. “Know anything else about her?” Haechi briefly considers the inquiry, “She really likes energy drinks, from what I remember. She always drank the blue Monster cans.” But there was a slight hesitation in the co-captin’s voice.

“I know how you are, Bada, so I’m aware I can’t stop you from your plans, but try not to do too much damage to the girl. She’s too precious to be broken by someone like you,” Haechi tells her, and despite the brutal words, Bada doesn’t take it to heart, almost shoving it out of her mind.

“Don’t worry. I won’t.”

The practice continues for hours before Bada notices your small figure sitting on the bleachers, waiting for the little time left. She jogs her way over to you with a bashful smile, “Hey, let me just change, and we can head out.” You just nod, wanting to get out fast, but Haechi’s familiar face has your eyes smiling. “Y/n-nie! Long time no see,” she opens her arms, and you gladly hop down to hug her. Bada watched the interaction, not knowing how to react to this side of you. You looked overjoyed to see the girl, and she may not be able to see your face, but the new energy made her feel a sense of loss.

She didn’t understand why you favored Haechi but not her. They were both tall, popular basketball team captains and had similar recognition in school. The only thing Haechi had over Bada was her straight A’s in classes. Was that the thing that would get you to like her? Bada grumbled at the concept. She wasn’t failing or anything, or else she couldn’t play on the team, but ALL her grades were not close to par with Haechi’s, not even a little bit. When her attention returns to the two of you, she sees you handing a new water bottle to Heachi, who thanks you. “You two seem close,” she tells them, and her co-captain looks at you almost with cherishing eyes. “Y/n’s the best man. Helped me a lot throughout high school,” you wave your hands in denial. “Heachi, you did your best in high school with or without my help. You’re hard-working,” your voice appears in a softer tone. Bada wanted to roll her eyes hard, but she left you two to change.

Bada wasn’t jealous, but maybe being narked was the better way to express her feelings. The girl was the type of person to feel better and superior to everyone else, so the fact that Haechi was already on your good side had her deep in her cycling thoughts. She needed to work hard to get this version of you, and not just with the project.

When she finishes, she tells you to go with her, and you hug Haechi before leaving the court and going to the parking lot with Bada. As she drove, she tried to make some conversation. “You started the project, right?” “Yeah.”

“You might have to teach me a few things so I can actually help.” “Sure.”

“You like computer science?” “Yup.”

That. That was the substance you gave Bada after every question. It made her want to jump out of the moving car, her ego bruised by your one-word replies. She stops trying after 10 minutes, letting the silence overwhelm you two, and you couldn’t have been any happier with the lack of sound. The car pulls up to this large mansion, and you try to hide your awe. This house was huge. Probably being able to hold the capacity of 200 students. “Come on in,” she invites with the large open door.

When you entered, your eyes marveled at the marble architecture, the classical aesthetic being the prominent feature of the house. Bada then leads you to the living room, where you sit timidly on her couch. “Do you want anything to drink?” She asks you as your eyes still wander the house. “Um, I’m ok.”

“Well, let me just change before we start,” you nod, taking out your laptop and notebook, trying to get a bit comfortable for your peace of mind. You pull up the empty website domain with only your school's colors and a sleek banner that takes up a decent amount of the screen. After 10 minutes, Bada returns with gray basketball shorts and a tight wife beater as her top. Your eyes go up and down her figure before focusing on the monitor.

You were honest, and as much as you didn’t understand Bada’s playgirl mentality, you did understand her appeal to the female population in school. Her tall figure, the varieties of colors she’d use on her long hair that cascaded all the way down to her waist, and the hats she wore to hold a sense of mystery were the perfect formula for the way to a girl’s heart.

“So what should I do?” Bada says, sitting beside you, which had you scoot in the opposite direction. “We can split the parts. Professor Min already put up the criteria for the website. I can do the harder stuff like navigation, school history, subjects, majors, and minors.” You tell her as you view the recent handout your professor had put up. “That’s too much, no? All I’d have left is the decorating, department information, and help desk information. Why don’t I help you with the major and minors?” You look at her with bewildered eyes, “You sure? A lot of coding and linking goes into that?” The taller one nods confidently, “You just have to teach me, and I’m sure I’ll be able to do it.” You nod with some hesitation.

“How about we start brainstorming the website's theme, and we can start with the project next week?”

“Sure, but why next week? My practices always end at 5-6 PM, so we should have time.” You shake your head, “it’s not because of you. I'm just gonna be busy with the school council this week.” And Bada looks at you in surprise, “Your part of the school council?”

“Yeah, but I’m just the secretary. Since the sports events are around the corner, I have to oversee everybody and their work,” you explain. Bada feels the admiration brewing inside her. She was aware of your hardworking nature, well, everyone was. You were the top student for a reason, but this put you on a different playing field. On top of your multiple studies, you did your due diligence as a prominent figure on their school council.

“Well, why aren’t you the president?” You scoffed, following a pity laugh, “Bada, I can’t lead anyone to save my life.” She stares at you, not understanding your point, and you take notice. “I might be smart, but that doesn’t mean I have leadership skills.”

“Maybe I can help you,” the tall girl shrugs. She thought she was a good captain for her team, so with that credit, she could give you pointers. “It’s fine. I like my position. I get to help everyone.” The two of you let the time pass as you continued to work on the project before ending the night.

The next few days, you had a lot on your plate. You were running around the school, ensuring all the projects and events were being set up properly, writing reports, and then reporting to the president and vice president about overseeing.

During this time, Bada rarely saw you in class, and she thought about how busy you’d be. You weren’t lying, huh.

But on a Thursday afternoon, you watched the gym setup and saw Bada’s little group chilling on the bleachers. Another student, Doyoung, walks in with papers stacked in his hands. It was all the papers you needed to sign and read through, but a basketball flew in his direction before he could reach you. His head throbs as he drops the papers, and you see Bada’s groupies laughing as Bada yells, “Sorry, Do-ah, the ball slipped out my hands,” she says as she collects the ball and returns to the bleachers. You ran over to the boy, helping him get the papers and helping him up. “Doyoung? Are you okay?” You help the boy up, and he stares at you, dizziness coating his face. You glare at Bada, who catches a glimpse of your raging eyes, and she realizes her fuck up in an instant.

“Come on, let me take you to the nurse,” you say as you grab his arm, wrapping it around your shoulders. “Shit,” Bada says as she watches the two of you leave, you having the stacks of heavy paper sticking out of your bag. “Looks like your timing is off this time,” Noze teases, and Bada thinks she has to make it up to you. She ran out of the gym, trying to catch up to you. She found you settling Doyoung on the nurse's bench as you explained what happened, and to avoid punishment, she waited for you to leave the office before she could talk to you.

Walking out, you make eye contact with the basketball player and scoff at the sight. You tried to walk past her, but she stopped you, pulling your arm, “Y/n, wait.” You rip your arm away, feeling grossed out by her touch. “Did you feel cool?” You bluntly ask, and Bada is taken aback at your tone. “No, that’s not it-”

“Then what is it, Bada? It doesn’t take much to be nice, but it sure does take a lot of energy to be as rude as you.” The disappointment felt like knives to Bada’s heart. It felt like the same judgment she got from her parents, and now you were saying it to her? It made her want to suffocate six feet under. “I just wanted to be funny. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I’m sorry,” she mumbles as her head hangs low. “That apology shouldn’t be for me, asshole. Apologize to Doyoung,” you tell her, leaving her where she stands as you are still much to do. “Doyoung-ah, just text me later when you get home,” the younger boy nods, and you return to your busy day.

“Dude, I apologized to Doyoung yesterday, and she still hasn’t texted me anything about the project,” Bada tells her friends as she paced back and forth. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Aiki says, and Bada looks at her in distress. “It’s a big deal 'cause I need that A to play in that prelims.”

“Maybe give her something to make it up to her?” Lee Jung suggests that Bada’s eyes grow at her words, remembering Haechi’s words. “The blue Monster,” she gasps, and her friends look at her weirdly as she runs off campus. Bada went to the convenience store, buying a can of Monster energy drink, some cookies, and an egg sandwich. It was early morning, so she knew she’d find you in the library at your usual spot.

Instead of being on your laptop this time, your eyes never left the papers you read and signed. Not even noticing her presence, Bada drops the bag lightly on the desk and pushes it in your direction. You look up, see the girl’s sorry face, and check the inside of the bag. “What’s this?”

“My apology to you for being a dick. I also apologized to Doyoung yesterday, so I’m in the clear.” You roll your eyes and sigh heavily, “Why are you like this, Bada?” Now she was confused, “What do you mean?”

“You're capable of being nice to people like me, so why can’t you do it to others?” Because other people won't help my grade, Bada thought. “I’m not sure,” Bada acts, trying to look ashamed. “But I know I’ll try my best to change,” she says, that confident smile taking place on her face again.

So, during the next few weeks, you worked with Bada. She did her best to show you the better version of herself. Yes, she was acting initially, but as time passed, she got comfortable with the routines. She attended classes earlier, paid attention, participated, and even studied. The week after the altercation, Bada had asked you to tutor her in certain subjects, and you gladly accepted, liking the direction of her change.

So, the two of you sat in her home on a Friday afternoon after school, and you were working on your chemistry assignments. You had become comfortable in the setting after working at her home a few times. “Y/n-ah, help me with this long-ass formula. It's confusing.” You giggle at the pout on her lips and check the screen. “The prefix is hepta- and check out the periodic table for the names.” You point to the table of chemical symbols, and Bada begins to understand the list of prefixes on the coffee table.

You continued your work and studied the current topic you guys were on. Bada looked at you, wondering, “I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable, but why do you always wear a mask?” You pause, not expecting the surprise question. “It just makes school go by faster. Drama-free too,” you express, and Bada rolls her eyes. “But it’s just you and I here.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that it makes my life easy,” you state. “Look, tomorrow, when you come over for the project, come without the mask, please?” You look at her in confusion, wondering why she was pressing on so much. But seeing her giving you puppy eyes, you reluctantly agreed, “Fine.”

“Great! Now help me with this question, please?” You laugh at her struggle.

The next day, you woke up to prepare for the long day. You took a shower, did your everyday skincare, and ensured you looked presentable. You were much more alert about your looks when you didn't wear the mask. You wanted to feel confident and ensured you did when applying the lip oil and putting your hair in a high ponytail.

You took an Uber to Bada’s place and rang the doorbell. When Bada opens the door, she takes in your appearance. You were out of your uniform for once, and the hairstyle displayed your small face clearly. Bada looks at you fondly, not expecting such a pretty girl to hide behind the mask daily. Even with the glasses on, your eyes looked large, and your heart-shaped lips colored bright pink. The tall girl couldn’t pull her eyes away from your lips. They looked too juicy not to kiss.

“Are you gonna let me in, or should I just stay out here?” Bada shakes her thoughts away and moves to the side. “So you were hiding this the entire time?” She asks as she pats your head, and you swat her hand away. “You practically begged for this.”

“And I’m not complaining,” She continues, staring at you, “go to school like this man.” “Okay, it was one thing asking me to come to your house like this, but school? Never happening.” You tell her, settling your bag down on the couch. “Wait, we should work in my room today. My parents are gonna be home today.”

She leads you into her room, the cool gray walls blinding your eyes. You observe your surroundings, surprised to see the clean room. She puts your bag on the office chair and lets you sit on her bed. You began to talk about what you’ve done on the project, but as you talked, Bada wasn’t even concerned about your words, focusing on your body more. Your outfit made Bada want to have you moaning underneath her, chest rising up and down as you begged for more.

“Bada?” You check on her worryingly. “Yes?” She whispers, still not staring at your face. “Have you done the majors and minors?” “I finished the majors, but I’m still working on the minors,” she tells you, clearly still entranced. “Can you show me?”

“Oh, um, yeah,” She shakes her head and takes her laptop out, showing the work she had completed, and you were visibly pleased with the progress. “This is actually really good. Nice job,” your validation had her heart swelling as your grin held a tint of pride. “Maybe you can finish up the minors today? Just so your work goes by faster.” She nods and checks out all the work you’ve done as well. “You finished all of these? That fast?” She stares at the screen, astonished by the amount of stuff you did the past two weeks. “Anything that needs to be done on a computer, I can do in a quick flash,” you joke, but it holds some sincerity. “I’m trying to be like you, girl,” She comments, and you laugh.

“Let’s do this so we don’t have much left to do next week.” With those words, the two of you worked the entire day. By the next time you checked the time, you realized the hours passed quickly. “Damn, it’s already 4 PM?” This also makes Bada check her phone, “Oh, your right. You want something to eat?” “I wouldn’t mind that actually.”

The two of you enter her kitchen, and Bada heated up some leftover Chinese food she had left in the fridge. Once you guys were eating, Bada tried to get to know you more, finding your presence comforting. “So, Y/n, why do you work so hard in school?” Your mind malfunctions at the question, unsure if you should be honest with the girl. “Um~,” you start, slowly picking at your food. “It’s mainly for my mom. My dad left us for his other family when I was five, and she raised me all by herself. This is the only way to give her a good life after everything she has gone through.” Your voice said with a hint of sadness, and Bada watched your pretty face fall. You wiped away the slight tears that formed. “You’re a good person, Y/n. Never forget that,” She tells you, and you find your heart racing at the words. Bada never had this effect on you, but her words of encouragement made your day.

She was about to continue the conversation, but another tall, more mature woman walked in the room, eyes looking cautiously at the sight of you. “Bada,” she called your partner's name, and you look surprised at Bada’s figure. She straightened herself up, fixing her appearance slightly. “Mother.”

“Who is this?” The older woman’s hand points over in your direction, and before Bada can answer, you decide to try and please the stern woman. “My name is Baek Y/n mam. I’m Bada’s partner for our computer science project. It’s nice to meet you.” You bow at the woman, and her eyebrows raise at your politeness. “Good manners, proper style, pretty face, excellent speaker,” her mom states, as her gaze moves around your body. “You should be more like this, Bada.”

“Mom, not in front of her, please,” Bada’s voice goes small, and you regret speaking up. “What? It’s true. Instead of basketball, you should be a model student. I should thank your teacher for partnering you up with this young woman.”

“I don’t know how we failed to raise you. This is how you should’ve turned out,” The older woman goes to your side, using her two hands to present you as if you were a presentation. Bada’s feelings were in a whirlwind. She wasn’t sure if she could be mad at you, her mom, or just the world. Her mom wasn’t even wrong. You were perfect in every way, and she was the disappointment. Two different worlds were crossing paths, and she was beginning to wish she was partnered with another individual instead of you.

Your eyes grow at her mother’s harsh words, and you shake your head, moving away from the woman. She wasn’t even aware of Bada’s new changes and efforts the last few days, but she belittled her daughter. “Madam, with all due respect-”

“Y/n. Don’t,” The tall girl tells you, with a stern voice, her breathing going shaky. “You right, mother. I’ll do better,” Bada says, head hanging low as she walks past the two of you. “What a dramatic girl,” You hear her mom telling herself, and you do your best not to ridicule the woman. “I’ll go check up on her,” you bow and run up to Bada’s room, finding the door shut. When entering, her back was turned to you as she sat on the edge of her bed. You were about to reach out on her shoulder but halted when you heard the sniffles as they gradually grew heart-wrenching. You rush to Bada’s side without any reluctance, pulling her into a hug. The warmth engulfing Bada had her break down instantly, never having anyone hold her as you did. Your eyes teared up at the sounds of her hyperventilating, her grip on your shoulder becoming tighter.

You then thought this was such a common occurrence for Bada. She put up this facade in school, wanting the attention of other women, and finally understood where it all stemmed from. Bada just wanted to feel loved and longed for, but with a household like this, it felt so hard to even ask for. She shouldn’t even have to ask. It was her mother, after all.

“Bada, you’re doing your best. Don’t let your mom’s words take that away from you.” You whisper as you rub her back, “If you ever want to talk, you can always talk to me.”

Bada begins to calm down at your words, the shakiness in her voice fading away. “Thank you, Y/n-ah.” She whispers, leaving her head on your shoulders. She wavers and asks, “Can you come to my game on Friday?”

“Of course. I’ll be your personal cheerleader,” you quip, in a shot to make her feel better, which works when a cheesing smile forms on her face. “You’d only cheer for me?” “Maybe for Haechi as well,” you tease, and she hits your arm with a pout. “Okay, ouch. I’ll cheer for you only, damn. No need to get violent on me.” Bada laughs at your words.

You try to stray from the topic, but you can’t help but ask, “Does she talk to you that way all the time?” Bada sighs, “Yeah, basically every time she’s home.” The lightbulb in your head flickers when she says, “My house may not be as extravagant as yours, but how about we work on the project on my house on Tuesday? I’ll send you my address, and you can come over after practice,” Bada’s eyes shined at the proposal. “I’d be honored.”

So the following Tuesday, you come home and relax on your bed before deciding to take a shower, feeling the stickiness of your sweat getting to you. You changed into a large baby pink shirt and some pajama shorts. Deciding to get a head start, you started your other assignments before Bada could get there. You worked on your easy English paper as you waited for the time to pass and heard the doorbell. Your eyes checked the time, and seeing 6 PM, you already knew who it was. You open the door to find Bada changed into gray sweatpants, an oversized hoodie, and one of her iconic hats covering her head. “Well, Miss Bada, welcome to my humble abode,” you say, welcoming her in. Bada’s eyes roam around, taking in the simplicity of the house, finding it shocking as she took a liking to it. “It feels… homey,” She mumbles, and you pat her shoulder. “I have more space in my room. Let’s work there.”

Bada’s eyes wander to your exposed thighs when going up the stairs. They looked so thick and plump. Bada, never realizing the build of your body, wanted to grip your thighs until they were turning red. Once you let her into your sacred space, Bada sees the tiny potted plants you kept, shelves full of books, your desk looking organized, and your twin-sized bed and pillows wrapped in a light purple set.

“So I have the navigation and research of the school's history. I might leave that research for next week to work on other subjects today.” Bada nods, settling on your bed and opening her laptop, “What other assignments do you have to do?”

“I’m trying to finish my English paper and then study for next week’s Chemistry exam.” “CHEM EXAM?” Bada yells, startling you into a jump. “Yes, Bada, chemistry exam.” Bada rubs the back of her neck, “Can you help me study?” You smile at her, “Of course.” The two of you finished the topics you agreed to do today, and Bada explained that she only had the decorating left. “Y/n?” You hear a voice coming from downstairs, and you smile, “Yes, mom?”

“Did you and your friend eat yet?” Bada is bewildered at the foreign voice. Your mom knew she was here? “We haven’t yet!” You voice out as you put your hair up in a messy bun. “Come down and eat. I made some mandu and kimchi jiigae,” Bada’s eyes brightened at the names of the food. You giggle at her face and pull her into the kitchen with you. Bada makes eye contact with your mom, and the woman gasps. “Y/n, you didn’t tell me how beautiful your friend was.”

“Mom, stop~,” you whine as you give her a welcoming hug. Bada smiles at your relationship with your mom. It is the exact opposite of what she was used to. “Let me help you with setting up the table?” Your mom handed you the plates and utensils, “get comfortable, Bada. You’re about to eat some of the best food ever,” You tell the tall girl, trying to tease your mom, who laughs at your comment. “Come on, sweaty, sit down,” Your mom tells the basketball player as she puts both dishes at the center of your table.

“How was school you two?” Bada almost chokes on her first bite of food as your mom asks, not used to the motherly love. “Oh dear, here, have some water, darling,” Your mom pours a glass as you pat Bada’s back. “I’m sorry. Um, school was alright, thank you for asking,” Bada says, mumbling, and you smile pityingly at your mom. “Same mom, nothing new.”

“That’s good!” She finishes, letting you all eat in peace. “Have you rested this past week, Y/n?” You grin at your mom’s question, “You know I try and stop doing work an hour before I go to bed, Mom.” “That doesn’t count.”

You sigh, “Don’t worry. I plan to go to Bada’s game on Friday, so I’ll take a break then.” Your mom gets excited, “Really? Good luck with your game. I hope you guys win!” Your mom was joyful, even with what had happened in the past, which made her your hero. “I hope we win too, Ms. Baek,” Bada gives an appreciating smile. “Oh, please call me mom. Any friend of Y/n can call me Mom. She rarely has any friends, so,” Your mom whispers her ending statement, and you roll your eyes at her. “Can we not expose Y/n? Thanks,” You say, pointing to yourself. The two smile at your gesture, and Bada teases you, “She’s not wrong.”

“Look at what you started, Mom!”

After you ate and studied with Bada, it was already 9 PM as you walked her out of your house. “You’re mom is the sweetest person on Earth,” Bada says, a sense of peace taking over her as she held the bag of food your mom had packed for her. “I know,” you giggle, knowing how your mom was. She accepted everyone and anyone as long as they treated you and her kindly.

“Thank you, Y/n. You’ve been helping me so much recently, and I don’t know how to pay you back,” she says, bringing you into the tightest hug. Your chest pounded, feeling a new overwhelming feeling of emotions. You knew that you and Bada had become closer in the past few weeks, but now you blushed at her touch, making you nervous.

There was no way you were starting to like her, right? You believed Bada was changing for the better. She had stopped flirting with so many girls, focused more on school, and acted as a more proper captain for her team. That’s what you thought, at least.

It was Thursday morning, before Bada’s game, and she was chilling on her hour break with the rest of her friends. “How has the project been going?” Emma asks with genuine interest. “It’s actually really good,�� She simply states, and her friends stare at each other, unsure of how to go about her answer. “You remember our deal, right?” Lee Jung asks the taller, reminding her of her words two weeks ago. “Of course, I do,” Bada’s words felt like a harsh smack to the face. Her statement simmered in her mind like she was lying to herself.

Bada knew she was changing, and whether she would like to admit it or not, the thought scared her. It was because of you and only you. She was never meant to go this deep or even this far with your friendship. She couldn’t help herself, though. She shared tears with you, personal issues her friends didn’t even know about, and even bonding with your own mother. Feeling like a brand new person, Bada felt liberated and accomplished. Lately, she thought she could stick up to her parents, defending herself from their judgmental words. Last night, during their family dinner, Bada’s mother and father had some words for her again. “Bada, your grades better be good this semester, or you’ll be sent to military school.” Her father tells her in an eerie, monotone voice. Bada looks at them, sensing betrayal. “Do you guys even love me?” “What kind of question is that?” Her mom gazes at the girl, the cold look never leaving her gaze. “You haven’t even noticed the effort I’ve been putting in the last few days. Everything I do is never enough for the both of you.” Bada’s parents were taken aback at their daughter's sudden outburst. “Maybe if you were putting this much energy before, we wouldn’t have to say anything to you,” her father points out. “It’s because of that Y/n girl. I should thank her for you.” Bada grumbles at the authority, not wanting to hear the same crap repeatedly. “I understand I may not have been the best child. Trust me, I know. But maybe if you two showed even the tiniest bit of compassion and love, I wouldn’t have turned out this way.” That statement had both her parents shut up, letting her words brew in their minds.

“Bada,” she hears your voice, pulling her out of her thoughts, and everyone looks at you. Your eyes looked at them weirdly as they looked surprised at your presence. “Are you free on Sunday? I have things to do on Saturday, but we can probably finish the project by the end of this week.” She smiles at you, “No problem, we only have a little to go anyways. It shouldn’t take that long.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” you wave off, and Bada’s friends sat there, frozen at the exchange. “That might be the first time I’ve ever heard her voice,” Aiki says, hypnotized by your sweet voice. “I might have to snatch her up from you, Bada.” Noze kids, but Bada looks at her with stone-cold eyes, “No.”

Her friends sit there, unknowingly triggering something inside the tall girl. “It was just a joke, Bada, chill.” Lee Jung tells her as she shakes her head.

Emma looks at her, eyes growing at the assumption, “Are you falling for the girl?” Bada instantly looks at her like she’s crazy, “I just want to finish this project before you guys try anything,” she says, saving herself.

Being oblivious to Bada’s words, you were excited about her game tomorrow. Your outfit was planned. You had snacks and a Gatorade for Bada to drink during her match. Since Tuesday night, Bada had been running on your mind constantly, and you weren’t sure how to handle your feelings. It was the first time you were hardcore crushing on someone, and this project made it challenging to contain your emotions. Her presence, attention, and beauty had you fixated. Since this was a first for you, you wanted to slow it down, trying to navigate it as you went.

So when game day finally came, you wore your hair up in a sleek ponytail and wore an extra jersey that Bada had given you with the number 22. You paired it with some simple Air Forces and ripped baggy jeans. Keep up the mysterious facade. You had your black mask covering the lower half of your face. Everyone stared at you as you sat on the court, wondering what your relationship was with their school’s basketball captain. You only kept your eyes down, not enjoying the amount of attention you were getting.

Bada comes out from the locker room in full uniform and her eyes find your body, and an unconscious smile takes over her face. You looked adorable in the oversized jersey, and Bada just wanted to run up and hug you, but the game was starting soon, and the team had to warm up.

You space out, but the loud blaring of the alarm shocks you out of it. As a book-believing student, you weren’t familiar with the rules or how the sport worked, but Bada made it worthwhile. Bada was noticeably agile and had a massive amount of stamina compared to everyone on the court. As you watched and cheered after her every shot, a blonde girl noticed your attire. A scowl and a look of disgust replaced her cheers. You weren’t even aware of her, focusing on the tall girl the entire time.

When half-time took place, you handed Bada the drink you had prepared for her. Smiling at your gesture, she thanked you and sipped as their coach spoke to them.

The game started again, and as the timer was hitting the last few seconds, the score stood at 86-87, the score slim to the tee. Your heart beats anxiously as you watch Bada maneuver through the court. Haechi had passed the ball to her co-captain, and at 5 seconds, Bada had taken her chance at a three-pointer, and everyone held their breath as the ball spun around the rim. So when the ball fell in at the last second, all your school's students jumped and cheered at the epic finale. Bada looks over at you again, seeing your proud eyes on her. She blew a kiss at you, and you giggled as she celebrated with her team.

“Hey,” you hear her voice and turn around to see her sweaty figure, as her cheesing grin never leaves her face. “Wait for me at the parking lot? I’ll give you a ride home.” She offers, and you nod, pulling down your mask, not wanting to hide your thrilled face. “You were amazing out there, Bada.” The sincerity of your voice made Bada weak to her knees, and she felt giddy inside. “Thanks. I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” You nod, leaving the gym to the parking lot, where you wait, sitting on a bench. When Bada watches you go, she feels the butterflies in her stomach and stands there terrified. The girl started falling for you, the feelings piling up since your first study session. This couldn’t be happening. Bada’s pride wouldn’t let it happen, so she had to do something about it fast.

20 minutes had passed, and Bada still hadn’t come out. Worrying began to fill your mind. You kept checking your phone every minute, and the same anxiety overtook you. You decided to look for her, which honestly didn’t take long. You turned the corner of your school's building. You saw two figures holding each other tightly as they enthusiastically made out with each other.

Due to the darkness of the night, you squinted at the sight, but as it became clear, your heart broke into a million pieces, feeling like it was now dust. It was Bada and another girl. They pull away from each other, breathing heavily, and you hide behind the corner you turned from. “What about that other girl?” The unfamiliar voice asks. “What other girl?” “The girl wearing your jersey?” You swallowed lightly, your chest becoming heavy in your current position. “She’s no one, baby. Don’t worry about it. She was just a little bet.” You hear her, and you sob in silence, walking away from the detrimental scene that just occurred right in front of you.

You sit at the curb, staring at the stars, and laugh at yourself, “You’re so stupid, Y/n. So stupid,” you mumble, the tears getting harder to contain as Bada’s words repeat in your mind. Of course, you were just a bet for her. You were just another girl added to her collection, and it made you fall into despair. She cried to you and opened up, yet you were just another girl. You hit your head lightly in frustration with yourself. “Y/n?”

You jolt up from your spot, wiping your staining tears away, and turn around to find Haechi, who looks at you worried. “You okay?” You nod with a deep breath and huff, “Yeah, just feeling down right now. No biggy,” you try saving yourself, but the cracks in your voice tell the girl otherwise. “What are you still doing here-” She was about to ask but realized what may have happened since she saw Bada walking out with some blonde student from her Physics class. Haechi’s face was now painted sorrowfully, engulfing you in a hug. Her touch had triggered the waterworks again, and you were now crying again, breaths getting weaker when each tear dropped. “I’m so fucking stupid, Haechi. I hate her. I hate her so much,” the tall girl rubs your back, letting you release your anger and sadness. “Don’t say that Y/n-nie, you’re the smartest girl in school. Bada is just… ruthless.” Haechi states, some rage hiding under her voice. She had warned Bada, and the captain still went against her word. “I’m like every other girl, Haechi.”

The tall girl pulls away, shaking her head furiously, “No. No, you’re not. Come on, let me take you home.” You nod, too tired to say anything and sit in Haechi’s car, taking a nap on the way home as you wasted so much energy.

Bada was now trying to look for you everywhere, not noticing how long she took, keeping you waiting.

Bada Y/n? Where are you?

She waited for a response, but it never came. She began to worry but let the win of her game control her mind. An hour later, she was home, and you just got back to her.

Y/n-ah😚 My mom wanted me to go home early. Sorry.

Bada sighed in relief. At least you were safe at home. She was about to respond, but you texted her again.

Y/n-ah😚 About the project, don’t worry about it. I’m finishing it tonight and sending it to Professor Min tomorrow morning.

The tall girl furrows her brows.

Bada Are you okay?

Y/n-ah😚 Splendid.

Safe to say, Bada was terrified at your one-word answers. She felt back at square one, but little did she know she wasn’t even close. Not anymore.

The next time Bada saw you, you were both in school, and she approached you with your favorite drink. “My payment for last week,” she says, handing the drink to you, and you dismiss the interaction instantly. “I’m good,” you tell her and just walk away. Bada stares at you in confusion and is about to go after you but sees you standing at Haechi’s locker. From afar, her co-captain seemingly handed you a blue Monster can, and you hug the girl, thankfully. The interaction had Bada bothered and angry. You took Haechi’s drink but not hers?

She would talk to you about it one way or another, but she couldn’t find you the entire day. The fact that you didn’t have computer science today didn’t help the matter. So Bada decided to talk to you at your house. The rain began to pour, but it wasn’t stopping her from finding out what was wrong. She rang the bell at your gate, unsure if you were home, but when you opened the door, a glimmer of hope sparked until you spoke. “Go home, Bada.”

“What?” “I said go home,” your monotone voice made her want to hide. “Y/n, talk to me, please?” “Why should I?” She looks at you in shock. “What happened?”

“You wanna know so bad?” You walk up to the gate, anger fueling your eyes. Not even caring about the pouring weather. “Somehow, me being the smartest girl in school means nothing when it comes to you.”

Bada didn’t say a word, not knowing where this conversation was going. “Congrats, Bada, you made the top student in school look like the most mindless person in the world.” Bada’s eyes widen, “what do you mean-”

“Oh, don’t act stupid.” You groan and look at her with eyes of disgust. Bada sunk into the thought. She was back to square one. “I seriously don’t understand-” “You don’t understand sucking off another girl’s face while I waited for you in the parking lot? God, when I thought there was progress in your thought process these past few weeks, but I guess I was wrong.”

That’s what froze Bada, her heart dropping at the statement. You saw and heard everything. Bada only wanted to beg for forgiveness right then and there, but she knew she had no right to. It's not like you were gonna accept it anyway. “Y/n I-”

“Just save it, Bada. You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it. I’m just another girl, right? Or what was it you told blondie? A bet?” Bada had no words to save herself, wanting the ground to swallow her whole in shame. “Forget about it, Bada, forget we were ever friends.” You left the conversation at that, slamming the front door behind you. That’s when you broke down. The crying just couldn’t stop, kneeling on the floor of your home as the dreadful silence filled your ears as you heard the heavy rain and thunder pouring outside the windows. For once, you hated the silence.

The next day, Bada wanted to try and apologize again. She looked and looked, not finding you anywhere on campus. She then looks for her second-best bet and sees her standing with her friends. “Haechi!” Bada runs up to the girl as she waves her friends off. Her co-captains eyes held frustration, and it told Bada she also knew the situation. “Do you know where Y/n is?” “Why? So you can break her even more?” Bada knew to expect this, but she wasn’t expecting to be cornered by the girl who shoved her into the lockers.

“I fucking told you, Bada, but what Bada wants, Bada gets, right?” Haechi’s pointer finger drilled into her chest, and the captain winced in pain. “I-I wanna make it right.” “Too fucking late.”

Bada’s body ignores the pain at her words, “What do you mean?” Haechi looks at the girl whose eyes began to water slightly. “She’s leaving for the States. The school gave her an internship for 5 months.” Bada’s world crumbles, and she takes out her phone, sending you multiple messages.

Bada Y/n, I’m sorry. Please don’t go. It was a mistake. I was stupid. I was falling for you, and I was scared. Y/n?

Bada’s tears were uncontrollable as they fell, reading how her messages weren’t sending. “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” Bada was now beating herself up in the middle of the hallway. She was hitting her head hard with her fist, pulling her hair harshly, and everyone who saw looked at her in worry. Haechi was shocked at the girl’s actions, seeing how bad she genuinely felt. She did her best to pull Bada’s arms away, and Bada slid down to the floor, blubbering as Haechi did her best to stop the girl from hurting herself. “I’m so fucking stupid, Haechi.” Her teammate didn’t know how to respond, just holding Bada’s arms down as she cried her pain away.

A/n: SHIT IS INTESNE RN DAM.

Tag list: @chipswsauce @nimixe @yooqui @eeeetaetterswife @efyyylee @froufrousnowman @amararosesblog

#gxg #wlw #bada lee #bada lee x reader #bebe #street woman fighter 2 #street woman fighter x reader #swf2 x reader #swf 2 x reader #swf x reader #bada lee x fem reader #ssivinee

952 notes · View notes

unforth · 11 months

Text

I had a day off yesterday.

And I can already practically hear the assumptions that such a statement is prompting the reader to make. Those assumptions are wrong. I don't mean I didn't work. I did, for about 8 hours. That's not at all what I mean.

I mean my wife took the kids out at 9:30, spent the night with her mom, isn't back yet the next morning.

There are things I NEED people on this website to understand about parenting. And I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it again, because honestly the way that Tumblr as a cohort talks about parents makes me sick. Multiple polls have shown that only about 2% of people on here are parents. We're a huge minority, and we're constantly talked over, ignored, or accused of being bad parents (like, personally, I have had people reply to my comments or come on to my posts and tell me I shouldn't have my kids). In my case, being a parent means I'm almost 41, I'm married to @ramblingandpie, and our children are inching up on being 8 and 6 years old.

My entire day, and therefore my entire life, revolves around them. I'm up most mornings at 5 AM, because that's the earliest they're "allowed" to wake up, and so my brain just defaults to being awake around then - better to wake up before them, at least then I get a few minutes in the morning. Between 5 and 7, I sit with them, do my social media, work on side blogs, study Chinese. Then it's helping them get ready for school, then my wife or I or both get them on the bus, and then I work until the last possible minute, which is either when I need to go pick them up for an after school activity or when I need to go down and meet them off the bus. My afternoons are after school activities, chores such as washing the dishes and cleaning up toys, talking with them, working with them, playing with them. Their bedtime starts at 7:40, and my son gets scared if I leave before he falls asleep so I sit with him until about 8:15. As soon as he's asleep, I go fall on my face, sleep as best I can, then wake up and do it again. Overnight, it's hard to sleep deeply, because about once a week someone will wake up in the middle of the night and need help. That could be as minimal as a hug or as complex as having to completely change the bedding on a bunk bed at 2 AM while also comforting a child who is afraid they'll be in trouble, or afraid they're sick, or afraid of their nightmare, or, or, or. Further, if a child is awake, there is always noise. I usually study Chinese with two or more competing sources of noise. I read the same way. My life is loud, and active, and consists of constant interruptions.

I adore my family, and I love my children, but this is terrible for me.

I do all of this as an neurodivergent introvert. My clinical depression is at least medicated, mostly because post-partum depression after I gave birth the first time nearly drove me to suicidal in under a week (we were expecting this and were prepared, fortunately, getting help was as simple as a phone call). The constant noise and interruptions and forced socialibility are about the worst combination of home-life I could be subjected to. I spend far too many early mornings just breathing deeply and gearing myself up to be subjected to the wall of Loud, Boisterous, Needing-My-Attention that is every minute when anyone else in the house is awake.

So what did my day off look like?

I helped get the kids ready to go and did some morning chores. I'd been up at 4:30 AM so I also had already social media'd and studied. Then, while my wife finished the preparations, I started work, and I worked from about 8 am to about 4 pm, straight. I didn't get hungry so didn't bother stopping for lunch. No one interrupted me, no one asked me to look at anything they'd built, no one broke my concentration, no sounds could be heard except those I'd chosen myself.

I'd been out the day before at a local shopping street and listened closely to the things the kids said they wanted, so at 4 I grabbed a couple orders I needed to ship for work and drove to our local downtown, dropped the orders in a post box, then went back to the shops and did some Christmas shopping in the 45 minutes or so before everything closed. I think I'm basically done with what we'll get them - other bigger things will be left to grand parents - so that's a load off, I literally had a stress dream earlier this week about it being 12/24 and having forgotten to do the shopping and having to go to (oh horrors) the mall on the day before Christmas. (Reminder: I'm a Jewish atheist. It's just virtually impossible not to Holiday in the Culturally Christian Hellscape that is the US. Also, my wife is Christian. So.) Found something cute for my wife, too, even tho I already know the main thing I'm getting her. Then, I realized - one of my favorite restaurants is on that block. So. I went there. I sat by myself at a table, only the indistinct restaurant hubbub around me. I read four or five chapters of my book, and ate a savory crepe, and drank lovely fruit tea, and got a scone to-go that I'll eat for lunch today. It was more than I probably should have spent on myself - about $25, including tip - but fuck it. I only get maybe a handful of days off all year, and I'm allowed to indulge a little.

Then I came home. There were no lights on. There was no noise. I had considered doing some more merch work while watching TV on the actual television (my kids are too young for subtitled shows, so usually if I want to watch My Shows I either have to do it on my computer when they're not around, or put them on and read all the subtitles aloud while trying to keep up and process the actual meaning of what I'm reading). But when I got back, the quiet and dark was so goddamn NICE that instead I curled up on the couch and read more of my book. I did that until bedtime - still about 8:15, because I'm exhausted. Then...I went to bed. And I slept long and deep, knowing that there was no chance I'd be interrupted and woken up, I didn't have to be, even in sleep, alert to every noise and possibility that I'd be needed.

I'm still exhausted and burned out, but even one night to myself felt really, really nice.

Saying "Tumblr does X" as a universal statement is doomed to failure, but generally speaking, the parenting posts I see on Tumblr, the ones with tens or hundreds of thousands of notes, speak what's apparently widely seen as a truism on here: that unless someone wants to spend 24/7 with their kids, to be 100% emotionally available at all times, is always kind and patient and perfect, they are a bad parent, maybe even abusive. I remember when covid started, there were multiple posts actively mocking the "oh god, my kids are now home all the time, how am I supposed to do this?" attitude that a lot of parents posted in despair. WhY dId YoU hAvE kIdS iF yOu DoN't WaNt To SpEnD tImE wItH tHeM?

Look at what my usual day looks like.

Look at what my day off looked like.

Do you really think I don't want to spend time with my kids? Do you really think I don't love my kids?

But I'm not a fucking MACHINE. I'm a PERSON. That's what people on Tumblr seem to forget. PARENTS ARE PEOPLE. The same tumblrinas who post ~uwu be kind to yourself rest if you need to, you should forgive yourself for that mistake you made~ will turn around, with zero sense of irony, and post "you're a bad parent if you ever raise your voice around a child."

Expecting parents to be perfect means expecting parents to be inhuman. It also means that a parent can't be poor (can't spend all your time being the perfect parent if you have to work multiple jobs or weird hours!), can't be introverted (can't be a perfect parent if you're not completely emotional available, god forbid socializing is exhausting for you), can't be on the ADHD or autism spectrum (what do you mean you forgot to get your kid to a doctor's appointment once? what do you mean over-stimulation can make you angry? how dare you get angry at a kid!), can't be depressed (gotta get out of bed every single day, gotta always be upbeat, patient, happy, or else that's Evil), can't be (like my wife) physically disabled (what do you mean your hands hurt too much to hold a child's hand? are you denying them touch?? CRUEL). And when the only answer you can offer to that is, "if you can't be that perfect you shouldn't be a parent," then you're saying people who aren't middle class to wealthy, people who aren't neurotypical, people who aren't physically able, shouldn't have children.

And honestly...what the fuck is your problem?

I'm not perfect. I tell my kids to just leave me alone sometimes. I raise my voice, especially when one of my kids starts punching the other, but also sometimes just cause I'm exhausted and Can't Anymore. I've forgotten an appointment by accident and felt like a total fucking idiot, and I've skipped an after school activity because I just wasn't up for taking them. I've served them more unbalanced, unhealthy meals than I can count. I've made many, many mistakes, but I've also done my best, and I love my kids, and I hope that when they grow up, they'll still love me even as they recognize that I wasn't perfect, just as I've come to accept my own parents' short-comings while still loving them very much. They're people, too, and the older I get, the more I understand where they were coming from.

When I fuck up, I apologize.

When they tell me they're unhappy with something I've done, I apologize, and I try to do better. Sometimes I even succeed.

This shit is hard, yo. And it's getting harder every year.

I'm BEGGING Tumblr: you need to start seeing parents as people. The way y'all talk about parenting on here is toxic, and genuinely harmful, and frankly exhausting. You have no idea what the reality of raising kids is like, and you need to shut the entire fuck up.

I had a day off yesterday.

I might get one more before the end of 2023.

I already can't wait. I am so, so, so tired. sigh

(if you actually read this whole rant and even a single word of it resonated for you, please reblog it. I'm tired of never seeing positive posts about parenting while I see negative ones with a bajillion notes.)

#unforth rambles #parenting #momblr #nothing prompted this #i just think about writing posts like this all the time #because the low-level background buzz of how much tumblr hates parents is a constant stressor tbh #and every once and a while i tip over the line end up Writing the Thing #and so here we are again #god i have so much to do today and instead i procrastinate with this #oops

566 notes · View notes

amalthiaph · 5 months

Text

I took an interest in The Bad Batch around the tailend of S2. It's not news to Tumblr that I almost slept on this show. And I cannot thank Caleb Dume enough for being the reason why I pressed the play button for this one. While I haven't been around for most of its active run, and I wish I had been, the last year has been among the best months of my life.

This show challenged my morals, and taught me lessons that I will forever take with me.

Tech taught me to embrace and take pride in who I am. I now think that I am not something that needs to be cured. I needed to be understood and accepted. He taught me that we deserved to be loved and be allowed to live the way we want to (as long as we are not causing harm to ourselves or to others).

Hunter taught me that at the end of the day, we're all still humans. We make mistakes. We fail. But we can learn from them, and we can strive to be better. And I should also take care of my hair bec I cannot accept that a man in a galactic war have better hair than me (Okay, did you honestly think I'm gonna be serious this entire essay?)

Crosshair taught me that at the end of the day, we really are still humans. Sometimes, we make choices that not everyone will understand or agree to. Sometimes, we don't even understand our own choices. But we can learn from them, and we can strive to be better. And that I should also go to therapy bec istg my hand shakes like hell I always need to rely on a pen stabilizer when doing my artworks.

Wrecker taught me that in this world where we can be anything, always choose to be kind. He is a great man who would always be there for everyone, and I hope that one day, I can be that person too. He is afraid of heights, but he climbs and go on high places anyway. Like him, I should also start conquering my fears. Dear Wrecker, I did try conquering my fear of heights last March 9 but I can't. I will try again.

Echo taught me to always fight for the greater good. Almost two years ago, me and a group of people campaigned for a great tomorrow. With pink flags and pink balloons, we worked on our little thing I like to call our rebellion. Sadly, we lost. At times, I am thinking of just giving up bec that's democracy and I cannot go against the people's decision, but characters like Echo and the rest of Rogue One taught me that nothing should ever stop me for fighting for the people's rights and that my love for my fellow citizens should always come first before hatred.

And lastly, Omega taught me to be curious, or more likely to not be ashamed for being curious. Learn about the world. Learn about lots of things. We never know when we need it. While I could say be good at strategy and win 30 grand on card games, nahhh, I'm not that smart.

I also learned to reevalutate myself as an artist. This show taught me integrity. I had ranted about this lately but these characters challenged me in terms of art. I knew that the creators aren't best at proper representation. While I could draw them as they are in the show, I choose to stand for what is right, and represent them as properly as my skills could. In the more technical side, I became good at drawing armors. And this little Actors AU Draw Series taught me to be responsible; I tried my very best to create and post them on time. This increased my productivity.

But enough about me.

There's something I realized two nights ago; we, the fandom, are Bad Batchers ourselves. We can consider ourselves a family, but not one of us is the same and we're all interesting, and capable in our own unique ways. We can have our own opinion and stand about something and still coexist. Like our favorite charactera, we embrace and celebrate our differences.

This show may end. No more Bad Batch Eves, no more cryptic tweets that cause us to hyperventilate, no more Bad Batch Wednesdays but it will live on, through us.

I know there will be a day where we decrease in number, one by one, little by little, but still, the show will live on through our actions, our opinions, our choices we make after May 1, 2024 because I know that all of us were changed in some ways by these characters and this show.

To the crew, your cryptic tweets caused me sleepless nights, but thank you so, so much. It is through your hardwork that we had this wonderful show. Thank you for making every second of the past year so worthwhile and enjoyable for me and for everyone.

However this show will end, whether happy or sad, I am glad it happened. However short my time was with them, I am happy I had been here. However short my time with everyone in the fandom was or if some of you leave one day, still, thank you so much for being part of my life; I am so happy I met all of you.

To Clone Force 99, thank you. I've never loved anything like this before. May the Force be with you.

#the bad batch #tbb s3 #tbb #star wars #amalthia cried while writing this

256 notes · View notes

nyxelestia · 5 months

Text

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in Fandom Community Spaces

One of my fandom servers recently imploded. I didn’t just want to post my immediate reactions and spend the next 3-5 business years litigating my feelings, so I took a few months to deconstruct what happened. Now I’m reconstructing everything into a case study on white supremacy culture in progressive spaces.

Below the poll, I’ve spelled out 17 traits of white supremacy culture, as they appear in progressive spaces, organized into four categories. I relied predominantly on the works of Tema Okun and Robin DiAngelo, whose works and websites expand upon everything I talk about.

I don’t want anyone to beat each other (or themselves) up if they’ve noticed these traits. Just fix it.

My goals with this guide:

Fans can put names to their observations.

Mods/Leaders of fandom spaces ask themselves, “how many of these have I done?”

Everyone gets an idea for what can be done about these traits.

Each listed trait has:

Definition of the trait

Common or fandom-specific examples

Suggestions to begin fixing it

Additional Commentary specific to this particular server incident

That makes this post very long, but it should be easy to skip over sections.

(If you are thinking of sending someone this post because they expressed a lot of these traits, first take a moment and identify how many of these traits you have practiced.

If someone sent you this post as an accusation, show them the above paragraph and ask what traits they recognize in their own behavior. If they say "none," ignore that person. I have will not facilitate the use of anti-racism as a smokescreen for bullying.)

I wasn't able to put this poll at the bottom of the post. I encourage you to wait until you get to the end and then answer the poll.

Because Tumblr polls expire in a week, I also encourage you to answer the same poll here on StrawPoll.

White Supremacy Culture Traits

Context (Basic Outline of What Happened)

In late Oct. 2023, someone on this server made an insensitive joke regarding Native American spirituality. They were quickly corrected by another member, and a third, indigenous member defended the gravity of their culture.

In DMs, a server mod (without the knowledge of the rest of the mod team) rebuked that indigenous server member for mini-modding, but claimed they would also moderate the person who made the joke in the first place; that person who made the joke was this mod’s friend.

This Inciting Incident Mod never did moderate their friend. When this came to light for the rest of the mod team in early Dec. 2023, the Inciting Incident Mod left before they could be ‘fired.’ Meanwhile, the Server Owner tried to cover up the preceding mess when announcing this mod’s departure.

The Indigenous Server Member used @everyone to explain to the server what had happened, dropped screenshots, and left the server.

When the community at large, including other mods, demanded more accountability and action from the mod team and the admins, the Server Owner doubled down on their defensiveness and denials for the next month.

Behind the scenes/in mod chats, the rest of the mods tried to advocate for the same things that the community was demanding. Most of their suggestions were shot down and input disregarded (primarily by the Server Owner).

Ultimately, all the mods were “let go” (fired), leaving only two admins. The second Admin largely followed the lead of the Server Owner, who was the one posting most of the announcements and engaging in the discourse.

The Admins unilaterally froze the server mid-conversations in late Jan. 2024.

They deleted the server on March 4th, 2024.

I. White Fragility

White fragility is the various phenomena by which white fans’ distress at discussions of racism take precedence over the actual occurrences of racism. This is not a conscious tactic, but the result of the layers of insulation from irl racism that white people are conditioned with, combined with white culture and experience being so pervasive as to become invisible.

1: Right To Comfort

Believing that white fans’ requirement for comfort in fandom spaces is more important than the on-going discomfort fans of color experience in the same spaces.

Examples:

Prioritizing the emotional and psychological comfort of some fans over the on-going experiences of other fans.

Scapegoating those who named the racism in the community and accusing them of ‘rocking the boat.’

These might sound familiar:

"This is just supposed to be a fun hobby."

"Can we get back to the good vibes?"

"Why can't we all just get along?"

“Hobbies/Fun shouldn’t be this much work.”

Treating any and all discussion of racism as acts of antagonism.

Fixes:

Learn to sit with discomfort before responding or (re)acting, especially if faced with an accusation. It’s an opportunity for growth, not an opening for attack.

Avoid taking criticisms personally, and avoid treating feedback as accusations. Yes, some accusations and call-outs are personal, but most are not. Even the ones that are personal need not be treated as final value judgments nor the end of the world.

Additional Commentary:

The white fan who’d made the insensitive joke in the first place did not lash out at being corrected. The discomfort was predominantly from some white mods who interpreted all mentions of racism as a conflict.

This trait is frequently found the trait called ‘Urgency.’

2: Defensiveness

Reacting to criticisms as if they were personal attacks, prioritizing comfort over growth, and using hurt feelings to derail discussions.

As author @xiranjayzhao put it in their video discussing a similar incident in the publishing industry, “If you are more concerned at being called racist than racism itself, that is an active hindrance to dismantling racism.”

Examples:

Treating criticism as threatening, inappropriate, or rude.

Focusing on making sure one’s own feelings or the feelings of community leaders are not getting hurt. This process often takes up more time and energy than addressing the actual problems do.

Spend energy defending against charges of racism instead of examining how racism might actually be happening.

White fans targeted by other oppressions (I.e. sexism, homophobia, etc.) express resentment because they feel that the naming of racism is erasing their experiences of marginalization from their other identities. This is especially prevalent in fandom as our communities are dominated by women and queer people.

Fixes:

Identify and understand the link between defensiveness and fear. When you recognize your own defensiveness, ask yourself what you are defending, and what you feel that you are defending against.

Develop culture of naming defensiveness when it arises.

Be honest with yourself and with the community about the power dynamics in the situation and respond thoughtfully. The person with greater power has the greater responsibility to name and move through their own defensiveness.

This is most important for small, online community leaders (I.e. Discord server mods). However little power we feel like we have, we still have more power than all the other members.

Additional Commentary:

Defensiveness was ultimately the biggest problem in this particular server’s implosion, and continues to be the most prevalent problem I observe in many other communities. The majority of the problems in these communities came not from actual acts of racism or patterns of insensitivity, but a few white fans’ defensiveness when these were named.

3: Fear of Open Conflict

When discomfort with talking about racism begets outright avoidance. This becomes “toxic positivity,” creating a pattern of suppressing any and all disagreements with a fixation on “keeping the peace.”

Examples:

Ignoring or deflecting conflict, no matter how minor.

Emphasis on tone, performing friendliness, and on everyone ‘calming down’ once even a hint of conflict arises.

Scapegoating people who bring up racism or equating criticisms with ‘rudeness.’

Fixes:

Role play, discuss, or plan for ways to handle conflict before it happens.

Don't require hard issues to be raised in `acceptable' ways.

Once a conflict is resolved, revisit it and see how it might have been handled differently.

Additional Commentary:

This particular server’s admin team was understandably hypersensitive to conflict; the server had been previously wracked by fandom dramas unrelated to racism. However, this sympathetic feeling metastasized into an unsympathetic habit of total conflict suppression. Had that Inciting Incident Mod not reacted to that faint hint of friction, or had the admins later been willing to name and acknowledge mistakes from the moderation team as an unintended instance of racism, almost none of this final drama would have happened.

4: Denial

Insistence that racism is an individual problem that requires intent; refusal to see or acknowledge systemic problems brought to one’s attention.

Examples:

A pattern of downplaying or denying what POC are saying about their experiences.

Insisting intent is more important than impact.

Insisting that if someone did not mean to be racist, then the harms they perpetuated cannot have been serious.

Insisting that a person or group can free from racialized conditioning, leading to statements like "I don't see color," “I don’t care what anyone’s race is,” “we can’t even tell race on the Internet,” and "we're all the same."

Fixes:

Learn to acknowledge any fear that naming racism brings up; the feeling is not wrong or right. Move through the feeling and address what has been raised.

Assume that any naming of racism is on target. Instead of asking, “is it racism,” ask, “how is it racism?”

Learn not to take accusations of racism or white supremacy culture as personal attacks or criticisms.

Get into the habit of saying, “tell me more,” instead of jumping to denial and counter arguments.

II. Exceptionalism

AKA “the Illusion of Control.” The belief, conscious or subconscious, that one knows the right way to do things and is uniquely qualified implement it. This might literally mean one’s self, or just people similar to one’s self.

5: Paternalism

The belief that one can dictate what is ‘best’ for everyone or make decisions on others’ behalf without their input.

Examples:

Deeming it unnecessary to understand the viewpoints and experiences of people for whom one is making decisions.

Labeling people for whom one is making decisions as unqualified.

Majority of community members get marginalized from decision-making processes. Either there is no mechanism for community input, or community input is disregarded by those in power.

Frequently, these decisions also have the most outsized impact on those with the least power, e.x. members who don’t have personal friendships with mods.

Fixes:

Realize that everyone has a worldview, including you. No one’s experiences or education (or lack thereof) disqualifies them from having agency in your community.

Always include those most affected by community decisions in the brainstorming and decision-making processes.

Build in an understanding that every approach yields unintended consequences; even the most strategically made decisions will have unanticipated consequences.

Additional Commentary:

The Server Owner consistently made unilateral decisions on other people’s behalf. They also required members to be 21+ in this server, despite the show it was for only being 18+

In the interest of living up to my own standards, I must acknowledge that I was also being paternalistic.

When I first joined the server, I questioned that age requirement. The Server Owner claimed that they felt uncomfortable talking about mature topics around 18-20 year olds…and “joked” that they viewed 18-20 year olds like children. Their defensiveness reminded me of elementary school children insisting kids in the grade immediately below them are babies. On the spot, I thought the Server Owner must be in their early 20s at the oldest. With zero evidence but a lot of confirmation bias, this feeling cemented into an assumption due to some of their moderation choices (e.x. pinning messages by their whims, thus confusing newcomers). I even wondered if they grew up in a cult environment due to unusual gaps in their knowledge (e.x. being surprised that it didn’t snow in most of Thailand). I thought I could and should, over time, convince them of 'better' ways to moderate, and attributed my disagreements with some of their moderation choices to their youth.

Then the Server Owner mentioned having been to uni nearly 20 years ago, making them almost double the age I’d assumed they were.

Looking back, this was an act of paternalism on my part that spanned over a year and a half. I’m not proud of this, and I would like to think I would still come to be ashamed of this even if the Server Owner actually had been as young as I thought they were. Regardless of their actual age, this was an incredibly paternalistic viewpoint for me to have about any adult.

6: Power Hoarding

People scrabbling to hold onto whatever little power they have; resisting anything which makes them feel threatened in their position of leadership or influence.

Examples:

Feeling threatened when someone suggests changes in how things should be done in the community.

Suggestions for change often get taken as an indicator of poor leadership.

People with power insisting they do not feel threatened or defensive in the face of suggestions for change.

Assuming that anyone wanting a change are ill-informed or malicious.

“Blaming the messenger,” such as focusing on the person advocating for change rather than the substance of what change they are trying to make.

Fixes:

Leaders should expect challenges and change and learn to see this a sign that someone cares about the community enough to want to stay and reform it. Because our spaces are predominantly for hobbies, people have less need to stay, even if they have a strong desire to. If someone truly thought we were hopeless leaders, they would not be advocating for change; they would just leave.

Adopt a “tell me more” approach when someone suggests a change or challenges an existing structure * even if the thing they are trying to change is something you care deeply about preserving.

Make friends with your ego. Everyone has one. You’ll do better in the long run when you know what will automatically kick up your defensiveness; don’t try to pretend nothing will.

Additional Commentary:

The admins caused many of their own problems by consistently disregarding others’ input; they not only ignored the criticisms of the community, they ‘fired’ the entire rest of the mod team for giving suggestions that the admins did not want to hear.

7: Individualism

Believing that one can be immune from social conditioning and systemic biases, or that individual actions are sufficient to change a community.

Examples:

Believing that one can be “isolated” from the conditioning of the culture they were raised in.

Not seeing the ways dominant identities * in gender, class, sexuality, religion, able-bodiedness, age, etc. * are informed by belonging to a group that shapes cultural norms and behavior.

This one is also hard for people in fandom to recognize. Many of us are marginalized in one aspect of our identity, and marginalization in one area can make it incredibly difficult to recognize or acknowledge privilege in another.

Accusing people advocating for change of “not being team players,” because one does not recognize the large groups on whose behalf they are advocating for.

Focusing on whether or not an individual “is racist,” while ignoring systemic racism in the community’s culture or leadership.

Fixes:

Get into the habit of acknowledging both your marginalizations and your privileges. For example, I am a queer woman of color, which are three traits of marginalization. I was also raised middle-class, I have a college degree, and I am cis; three traits of privilege. All these traits inform my experiences and world view and make me subjective in different ways.

Learn how our dominant identities and how our membership in dominant identity groups informs us both overtly and covertly (while realizing too that these identities do not have to define us).

Realize we all have internalized conditioning, including racist conditioning. Commitment to anti-racism is not about being ‘good’ or ‘bad;’ it’s a commit to challenge one’s own conditioning and subconscious biases on an on-going basis.

Focus on collective accountability as much as individual accountability.

Because many people, especially on social media, use ‘accountability’ as a euphemism for ‘punishment,’ I want to be clear that this does not mean collective punishment. It means recognizing that people react to their peers (dis)approval on even the smallest scale, that people want to fit in, and that people often fear standing out. We are often not making individual decisions so much as “going with their gut” or “going with the flow.” When that’s the case, that means we need to re-condition what our gut tells us and change where that flow is going * both of which are community actions, not individual ones.

Additional Commentary:

In the Individualism page on her website, Tema Okun shared a personal story about how her upbringing had blinded her to the very real risks her POC colleagues faced even while working with well-intentioned white leaders. This story resonated with me and my experience in this fandom server.

The white admins either did not understand (or did not care) what it would cost a POC like me to try to help them. I was attempting to mediate rather than prosecute, and speaking gently as I did - which I was only doing to try to balance the need for change against the admins’ need for white comfort. Multiple people blocked me during this time period, and most did not see what came after. I try not to assume I’m more important or relevant than I am, but I and many others noticed the drastic change in the admins’ behavior once my rhetoric shifted from ‘benefit of the doubt’ to ‘naming mistakes and suggesting changes.’ I was trying to help the admins, but it came out to nothing and I still ended up paying a price and losing friends.

8: I'm The Only One

The assumption that one knows best; therefore, they have the unique right and responsibility to take unilateral action.

Examples:

Believing that the only way to get something done right is to do it one’s self. (Related to ‘One Right Way.’)

Believing that only one person is entitled or qualified to determine the right way and take action, typically in isolation from the people who will be impacted by our decisions.

Often goes hand-in-hand with micro-management (or in the case of online communities, micro-moderation).

Attempting to downplay or cover-up flaws or mistakes in leadership, fearing that the community cannot survive people discovering leadership isn’t perfect.

Fixes:

Hold ourselves and each other accountable for mistakes without assuming that we need to be perfect to lead.

Focus on collaborative and collective strategies for responding to mistakes, including accountability but also growth and inner development.

Leaders should make an effort to take in input from as many sources as possible, including the people saying things they do not like, do not want to hear or are challenging their leadership.

Especially the individuals who hold the most power, such as server admins and owners (who have more power than other mods). The higher up in this hierarchy that we are, the more likely that anyone who truly thinks we’re hopeless would simply opt to leave…which means the higher up in the hierarchy we are, the more likely that anyone who is challenging us still expects both themselves and us to stay where we are. Their challenges are not a threat, but an opportunity for growth.

Additional Commentary:

Those last two bullet points under Examples and Instances are what kicked off the entire server-ending drama in the first place. Even though the Inciting Incident Mod made a truly disappointing mistake, I don’t actually see them as having made the biggest misstep in this mess. This mod micro-managed someone and abused their power to shield a friend, but had the admins been willing to acknowledge those mistakes directly, most of the ensuing drama would not have happened.

When I asked the Server Owner to let someone else take over the server instead of closing it off completely, they claimed all the people I suggested were not equipped to handle the server. The only person they were willing to let take over the server was someone who had uncritically supported them during all the discourse. (Though I later found out that this entire discussion was never in good faith to begin with; explanation in the Final Feelings section below.)

9: Entitlement.

Assuming a right to something without any consideration for the possibility that one may not have the right. This assumption frequently is unidirectional and/or implicitly only functions as long as most other people do not have a similar right.

This trait was not core to either Tema Okun’s work on white supremacy culture nor Robin DiAngelo’s work on white fragility. However, it is an underlying component of racism (who is entitled to what), white supremacy culture (entitlement to other people’s works), and white fragility (entitlement to comfort).

Examples:

Assuming that one does not need to ask (or wait for an answer) to use someone else’s work for one’s own purposes. (Related to the trait ‘Urgency.’)

Believing that people’s boundaries regarding their work or creations do not matter. I hope I don’t need to spell out why this problem gets so in fanfic-based fandom spaces. That can of worms would need its own post and I’m already exhausted from this post.

Related to Right to Comfort: believing one is entitled to a peaceful community, even when it comes at the expense of everyone else’s sense of safety and belonging.

Fixes:

Assume one does not have permission until and unless told you do.

Graciousness if someone does not want you to use their works.

Their reasons may have nothing to do with you, so also learn not take someone else’s refusal personally.

When you do assume a right, take a moment to imagine it’s reversal (I.e. everyone else having the same rights to your work or output). How comfortable are you with this prospect of everyone ‘borrowing’ from you that which you are currently trying to borrow from someone else?

Additional Commentary:

I detailed my direct experience with the admins' entitlement down below under the trait titled ‘Urgency.’

This trend continued with their behaviors towards what server content they did and didn’t delete prior to deleting the whole server. When fans who left or were banned insisted all their own messages in the server be deleted, they were refused on the basis of ‘preserving’ the server. Yet the admins had no problems deleting every channel that had even a shred of discourse in it. They later deleted a few other channels on the grounds of people’s personal information potentially being in those channels and putting members at risk…except that if there was any such information, it had always been present in this channels; why did it suddenly matter now? I concede that they eventually deleted the individual members’ messages per their requests, and that the fear-mongering about private information came from another member altogether. However, between nebulous accusations that an admin had been party to a past doxxing of this member in the first place and the on-going problem of the admins behaving with false urgency (another trait below), I’m having a very hard time being sympathetic about this or giving them any more benefit of the doubt. Their selection of which channels to delete look less like protecting server members and more like a failed attempted to protect their own reputations.

III. Binary Thinking

This is not just a futile attempt to simplify reality, but an entitlement to a simplified reality and a habit of attempting to force others into one’s own dualistic constructions.

10: Either/Or

Polarization of issues and assumptions, categorical thinking, and viewing everything through this binary lens.

Examples:

Positioning or presenting options or issues as either/or -- good/bad, right/wrong, with us/against us, pro/anti, good/evil, safe/dangerous, etc.

Related to Perfectionism: a suggested solution must be either perfect or it’s useless.

Tendency to escalate instead of de-escalating, especially in a context where de-escalating is viewed as dismissing a problem.

Generalizing individual experiences or statements to the collective, or attempting to dismiss a claim because it is coming from an individual; either “everyone” is saying something or “no one” is saying it.

Fixes:

Cultivate a habit or community culture of looking for multiple ‘takes,’ viewpoints, and conclusions.

Break the habit of trying to sort people and ideas into two or a few categories.

Practice taking situations with seemingly only two possibilities and identifying points between them or alternative options altogether.

Be willing to set a future date or deadline for continuing a disagreement in order to de-escalate emotions in the moment. We have more options than either fixing everything in the moment or ignoring problems forever.

Additional Commentary:

When asked for transparency, this server’s Admins acted as if mistakes had to be either ignored or turned into a big production. This left no room to acknowledge a mistake, learn, and move on, since that was neither ignoring the mistake nor treating it with sufficient drama.

11: Perfectionism

Belief that there is a single right way to accomplish something. Belief that individuals must implement only correct, successful actions (and that missteps and mistakes represent fundamental character flaws).

Examples:

Mistakes are seen as personal, i.e. they reflect badly on the person making them.

Making a mistake is confused with being a mistake; doing wrong is confused with being wrong.

Believing a problem can be permanently resolved with the correct or ‘perfect’ course of action.

Fixes:

Develop a community where the expectation is that everyone will make mistakes, but those mistakes are opportunities for learning, not value judgments.

Accept that, when faced with a systemic or deeply entrenched issues, community leaders will need time to address the problems.

They will probably need to try multiple ideas, some of which might not work. That’s okay; it does not have to be a failure if you learn from it and try again.

Additional Commentary:

In the case of this server’s implosion, perfectionism appeared with the Admins’ fixation on looking for a solution that would ‘put the matter to rest.’ They ignored or actively derided suggestions that did not ‘solve’ the problem in its entirety.

12: One Right Way

The belief that there is a particular correct or ideal way of doing this (and that fault lies with others for not following this particular correct way).

Examples:

Assuming that once people are introduced to the right way, they will ‘see the light’ and adopt it.

Believing that when one’s way is not working, the fault lies with everyone else for not ‘converting,’ not the method itself.

Related to perfectionism: believing there is a singular or permanent solution to on-going, systemic problems.

Believing only certain people are qualified to address or resolve problems. This is especially prevalent among people whose post-secondary education was mostly institutional (i.e. college).

Fixes:

Create a culture of support that recognizes how mistakes sometimes lead to positive results.

Challenge notions of what constitutes the "right way" and what defines a "mistake."

Catch our internalized assumptions about being ‘qualified’ to fix a problem on our own or take on a large responsibility.

Additional Commentary:

Once again, in the interests of living up to my own standards, that means admitting when I’m doing or did the very habits I’m castigating. While my intent was not to behave as if I thought there was One Right Way, I recognize that my actions had the same impact as if I did believe in One Right Way. I presented a solution (collection of rules, guides, and channels) from a server I owned in another fandom entirely, and implied that there was only one right way to ‘fix’ the server.

That said, their conduct in utilizing this also reflected Entitlement and Urgency (which is where I elaborated).

13: (Belief in) Objectivity

The belief that there is some neutral, unbiased experience or viewpoint a person can have.

Because patriarchy so often uses claims of emotionality to dismiss women, many women become oversensitive to claims of subjectivity or identity-based bias. This can make recognizing the invalidity of objectivity difficult in communities whose leadership is dominated by women, especially white women (as white men tend to be most likely to rely on accusations of excess emotion in the first place).

Examples:

Fixation on prioritizing facts over feelings, or thinking feelings can be disregarded and ignored.

Requiring people to think in a linear fashion or otherwise expecting others to perform only the type of logic validated by those in power.

Those in power get to be scared, hurt, or angry and still viewed as rational/logical, while marginalized people who are visibly scared, hurt, or angry are deemed irrational/illogical.

Refusal to acknowledge when a certain line of logic is covering an emotional bias, perspective, or agenda.

Fixes:

Own up to one’s subjectivity; instead of assuming that one can have some arch-neutral worldview, be clear about your background, experiences, and potential biases (whether you believe you actually have these biases or not).

Recognize your own worldview will be as subjective as everybody else’s. If your view of society is also part of the dominant view of society (e.x. if you are white and/or cis and/or male and/or…), this means you were probably conditioned to believe certain assumptions are objective when they are actually subjective.

There is no way to be human without being biased by one’s identity and experience; some identities are just so privileged or normalized by institutions that they are the “invisible” default or norm.

Get into the habit of trying to determine what a situation you are in looks like from the outside, what information others do and do not have, or getting diverse perspectives on various situations.

By “get into the habit,” I mean we should practice doing this even in situations without confrontation, crisis, or argument. Analyze successful incidents and events this way to get the practice for handling unsuccessful incidents and crises.

Utilize ‘I’ statements and make sure not to assume that your personal experience is the same as everyone else’s experiences.

Community leaders have to take extra special care with what we say about our communities and how we present our assumptions and experiences. When we claim a community is trustworthy or safe, we just make it even less trustworthy or safe for anyone feels otherwise, because this disconnect between our experiences (that we generalize) and theirs (that we individualize) creates a barrier against further feedback.

Additional Commentary:

This was also related to at least one admin struggling to disconnect their own experiences with everyone else’s experiences. To the admin, because so much of their own time was consumed by this discourse, they spoke and behaved as if this were consuming the entire server. They did not realize that most of the members of the server had nothing to do with this discourse, and many did not even know it was happening…until the admin started repeatedly utilizing @everyone. This implies the admin viewed their own experience as “objective” and thus projected their own experience onto everybody else.

VI. Validation Seeking

I called this collection of traits ‘validation seeking’ because they all trace back to appeals to external authorities or claims of external pressures.

14: Progress = More

Assuming solutions always require “more” of something; never considering that existing resources could be sufficient or that “less” might be a solution.

Examples:

Assuming the goal is always to grow membership, rather than maintaining an enjoyable community

Assuming that “more” will fix a problem (e.x. more moderators will fix a moderation problem)

Disregarding the costs of growth (such as how increased number of channels can make a community overwhelming to newcomers)

Valuing people who have achieved a certain milestone or objective metric of progress more than those who have not (e.x. valuing older members over younger ones, valuing college-educated members over those without college education, etc.)

Fixes:

Try to make sustainable decisions, with an aim not for endless growth but maintaining the actual goal of the community.

When pursuing “more” of something to solve a problem, first evaluate what you actually need and determine why the existing number of resources is no longer sufficient when it previously had been.

For example, are you actually pursuing more moderators because there is an increase in activity and the existing moderation team feels burnt out and falling behind? Or are you just assuming that you need more moderators regardless of activity levels?

15: Quantity Over Quality

Believing that only things that can be numerically measured have value (and that things which cannot be measured have little to no value).

Examples:

Fixation on things like number of members in a community (quantity) over the members’ relationships and experiences in said community (quality)

Treating quantified milestones as a goal in their own right, rather than means to an end or a guideline (e.x. acquiring a certain number of moderators or maintaining a certain number of channels in a server)

Discomfort with emotions and feelings (as they cannot be measured objectively)

Fixes:

Determine traits and practices important to your community which cannot be easily quantatively (safety, respect, mutualism, etc.) and think of ways to evaluate them (for example: open-ended questions in a survey instead of relying exclusively on numerical ratings or menu options)

Focus less on output goals and more on process goals, such as how many new ideas were considered or how many people felt fully heard in a meeting. Even if, in the short run, this feels like leading to a bunch of unproductive meetings, in the long run this creates a more robust decision-making process.

Treat ‘accountability’ not as a euphemism for punishment (which social media tends to do), but as an opening for receiving support.

Additional Commentary:

The admins fixated on obtaining more moderators, but the reality is that the problems facing the community did not need more moderators, but rather a shift in culture altogether - a thing which could have easily been engendered by the admins on their own, even without additional moderators.

16: Worshiping the Written Word

Fixation on knowledge provided by institutions over people’s lived experiences and on-going, dynamic realities.

This one is hard to recognize in virtual communities because most or all of our interactions are “written” in chats and social media.

Examples:

Attempting to use dictionary definitions of words as arguments in and of themselves or treating them as the end of an argument.

Refusing to acknowledge that the way people use a word in daily living may not match up to the institutional definition.

Using errors in spelling, grammar, or language to justify dismissing someone’s arguments.

Over-valuing people who can write well (or just write a lot), and undervaluing the contributions from people who rely on other media formats or informal documentation.

Fixes:

Treat encyclopedia articles and dictionary definitions as a conversation starter, not an argument ender, e.x. “This is my understanding of that word; what’s yours?” or “In what ways does this ‘official’ definition fall short?”

Focus less on using resources (articles, videos, guides, etc.) as an appeal to authority in an argument, and more as a starting point from which you develop your own community guidelines.

Additional Commentary:

I had an out-sized impact on discourse simply because I could write a lot in one go. Some of that was me anonymously relaying other people’s words on their behalf and some was original on my part; most of what I said simply reiterated what others had already conveyed. However, as I did so in a pseudo-academic manner, my word was given more weight.

Sharing of resources like educational articles or videos were treated as the end of a discussion, rather than the start of one.

17: Urgency

Applying extremely short deadlines to action, giving no time for rest or consideration. Utilizing the overarching urgency of racism as an excuse for short-sighted, short-term actions.

Examples:

Related to Quality Over Quantity: prioritizes measurable actions over impact.

Fixation on appearing to address racism moreso than actually doing it.

Uses expediency to justify poor-decision making processes or lack of consideration (related to Entitlement, Power Hoarding, and Conflict Aversion).

Often relies on perpetuating the idea that racism can be “solved” (which in turn implies that future accusations of racism cannot be made, nor community problems discussed).

Creating a culture of anxiety as people believe they must act immediately or they will never get to act at all.

Related to Right to Comfort: rushing decision-making in order to rush towards an idealized state of no further conflict.

Fixes:

When the feeling of urgency arises, slow down and encourage people pause, restate the goal, and dive deeper into alternatives.

Avoid making decisions under extreme pressure.

Work to distinguish what is actual pressure and what is pressure that you or others are creating.

Establish plans ahead of time for how decisions will be made during times of urgency, and how crises can be handled in the short-term while leaders evaluate ideas for long-term change.

This is related to Conflict Avoidance. When community leaders are uncomfortable with conflict, this also means not wanting to think about potential conflicts, and thus having no plans when conflict arises anyway. Becoming comfortable with conflict also allows planning for conflict management.

Additional Commentary:

When I showed the admins my fandom wank resolving set-up from another server (as mentioned in my additional commentary on One Right Way), they asked me if they could just use it as it was. However, they were too impatient to actually wait for an answer and used it, anyway, before I could respond. It was very clear that my answer never actually mattered to them. Had they waited, I would have explained how this exact set-up was not a good fit for this community and its current problems; I was sharing it assuming they would use it as a source of inspiration to brainstorm their own ideas for their own server. In addition, while I did not mind sharing, these were not my sole creation, but the product of a team of mods in my other server. Even if it had been a good fit, I would have checked with other mods whose labor had gone into this set-up to see if they were also alright with its wholesale reuse.

My experience is only one example. Ultimately, the admins kept fumbling, and increasingly claimed it was all due to the pressure and demands from the community that they ‘handle it’ - refusing to acknowledge that community members weren’t asking for an immediate solution to every problem. This urgency was self-inflicted. The server admins disregarded all their remaining mods’ suggestions that would have given them more time to address these problems carefully. Server-wide slow-downs, channel trimming, temporary server freeze, etc. - the admins had multiple ideas given to them, but shot them all down. The admins’ goal was not to address the problems, but to suppress discussions of racism as fast as possible because they were uncomfortable with admitting its existence in the first place (see Right to Comfort at the top).

Final Feelings

What Took Me So Long To Say Anything?

I didn’t want to risk the admins prematurely deleting the server out of spite. They were already unilaterally and suddenly taking away a community space from hundreds of fans entirely for their own benefit. I could not count on them being above robbing people the final opportunity to recover the last shreds of their materials and memories from the server.

I also, quite frankly, just had a lot going on in my offline life.

I continued to take my time even after they deleted the server because I was hurt and furious. I needed time to turn what was originally a soliloquy of my sorrows into an educational guide.

This was exacerbated by finding out that the admins faked the ‘death’ of the server:

As you can imagine, I was furious - and to be honest, I still am. That anger was precisely why I made myself slow down. I did not want to burn down the fandom for the sake of keeping only myself warm.

Complicated Feelings

I feel hurt and betrayed by the Admins and disappointed in the Inciting Incident Mod…but one thing I will say for them is that they expressed interest in learning the language and culture of the country that our fandom’s show came from.

They showed far more interest than that aforementioned Indigenous Server Member ever did.

I don’t begrudge this indigenous fan for defending their cultural tradition, nor their anger over how it was handled. I also acknowledge that in fandom and irl, Asian diaspora often end up partaking in white supremacy culture and entitlements. However, I do find this fan's umbrage at the initial ignorance to be tremendously hypocritical given this fan’s approach to Asian cultures, traditions, and histories. Their fanfics, server interactions, and other fanworks in this Asian media fandom demonstrated incredible disregard about Asian cultures - one which this fan never showed any interest in undoing or challenging.

I doubt it was a coincidence that this fan blocked me on Discord right around the time I started talking about the westernization of eastern characters and settings. Even if it was, that doesn’t lessen the pervasive apathy towards Asian culture in their fandom activities.

I routinely see fans call for the decolonization fandom when it comes to BIPOC people settings, only for these same fans to turn around and perpetuate the colonization of fandom when it comes to Asian people and settings.

This does not mean western fans shouldn’t participate in an eastern fandom! This participation is the best way to learn about a new culture. Mistakes and missteps are parts of the learning process, both at the individual level and at the collective level.

This is also not to pass a judgment on that specific fan or their creative works. That would be hypocritical of me in turn, given I’ve enjoyed some of those stories and fanworks, anyway.

I am bringing this up to demonstrate why solidarity is difficult for fans of color.

As an Asian diaspora fan in particular, I hate feeling like my choices are “BIPOC fans with ignorance and apathy that they don’t want to unpack” and “white fans with supremacy culture that they don’t want to unpack.” Either way, I’m going to have to put up with a ton of entitlement (never mind the rampant fetishization of Asians from all sides, which is its own can of worms I can’t even open right now).

And if I try to speak up about any of this, I will get blocked or I will be accused of being an anti-fandom killjoy.

Again.

Final Thoughts

People change for the better, and communities change for the better.

I know fandom can change because I’ve seen how it’s already changed. Fans take social justice issues and racial justice issues far more seriously than they did 20, 10, or even 5 years ago, and that’s just my own living memory of fandom.

We should always take a moment to recognize and celebrate how much better we are today than we were in the metaphorical yesterday.

But being better than yesterday does not mean being good enough for tomorrow.

And we still have a long way to go.

Thank you for reading this monstrously long post all the way to the end. Please remember to answer the poll at the top. Please reblog, and I encourage you to add your own experiences when you do.

100 notes · View notes

bibibbon · 3 months

Note

I made a huge mistake in going to the MHA subreddit. The braindead takes on 427 have me convinced I'm stuck in a parallel universe where we're reading a completely different story:

"It's great seeing Deku play therapist with the LOV, but all it seems to have done is make things worse!" A) Izuku shouldn't be having to play therapist to begin with, considering he's a 16 year old kid. B) most of the LOV don't see anything they did as wrong, so idk what the fuck Izuku can do about that. Also, WHY AREN'T PEOPLE HELPING IZUKU WITH HIS OWN GODDAMN FEELINGS?!

Apparently Bakugou killed Kurogiri, and there's absolutely ZERO reaction to it both in and out of universe. So of fucking course Izuku is a murderer, but not their precious Bakugou 🥱.

"I feel like Hori's really underrated as a writer!" Horikoshi doesn't know Show Don't Tell, how to actually develop characters, and how to craft actual stakes in the narrative from a hole in the ground. Also, MHA is one of the most popular mangas worldwide, so you're not even using underrated right.

"I feel like Horikoshi sees our discussions and then implements them in the story!" This I can kind of agree with, considering how much y'all hate Izuku and worship Bakugou. But on the other hand, I really doubt Horikoshi thinks the MHA subreddit is as important as you think it is.

"Bakugou's totally going to ask Izuku to start their own hero agency together at the end!" Jesus fucking Christ, just say you hate Izuku. How would that be a great ending for him? He not only has to see the source of his low self esteem and borderline suicidal feelings achieving the dream he'll now never have, but you want them to WORK together?!

@nutzgunray-lvt 👋

Well a lot of the time looking into Reddit is always a mistake unless you're asking a very niche question and you get an answer from 9 years ago or something.

I feel like a lot of people whether that be in universe or in fandom forget that izuku is a 16 year old child soldier. Izuku is more than a decade younger than a lot of the villains in the leauge. He is a child who has been exploited by the system and abused. We have seen in 425 izuku try and talk to someone but simply get brushed aside and while I don't blame shoto or ochako for doing that as they probably didn't mean it and are traumatised themselves it kinda of shows how much this has effected izuku. Also this doesn't help BECAUSE HORI GAVE US NO FLIPPING INTROPSECTION ON IZUKU'S BIT AGAIN!! Also Iam not sure if it's just me but Izuku's eye bags are heavily prominent in this chapter especially when he is talking to spinner.

The fandom especially the lov stans side of it love babayifying the actions of the leauge and hyper fixating on the humane soft side they may have while completely ignoring the horrible actions they commited. I talk about this better in one of @palesweetscherryblossom asks

I still can't believe that bk may of killed kurogiri. I don't even know when that happend and I checked the wiki but it says that kurogiris status is unconfirmed so I will be waiting until the last chapter to fully acknowledge if kurogiri is dead or not. However this brings up the point that the fandoms is being quite hypocritical if they're calling izuku a murder but not bakugo. They both killed people but for some reason it's izuku thats put into public light and bashing instead of all the other characters that have killed in the series including villains.

Yeah sometimes it feels like hori is looking at discussions of his series and implementing ideas but I think that goes more for his Japanese fans than us to be honest because after all they're his target demographic. I remember when I first joined Tumblr one of my earliest posts talked about how horikoshi's writing decisions were heavily influenced by his fans which may or may not be true.

At this point IAM convinced that izuku isn't getting a proper happy ending. Every time I think it can't get worse it does. Just by your comment of them starting an agency together haunts me just like the possibility that bk may become the number one hero

#mha critical #bnha critical #mha #hori is a bad writer #horikoshi critical #bhna critical #bnha #izuku deserves better #thanks for the ask #thanks for the question #thanks for the ask!#anti bkdk #anti bakugo katsuki #anti bakugou katsuki

67 notes · View notes

iamnot-crazy · 9 months

Text

Stowaway Chapter 1

Trafalgar Law x Fem!Reader

Info: This is my first time posting a story on Tumblr and my first time writing a x reader.

Summary:

The reader is a slave to a nobleman due to her devil's fruit ability which allows her to control the emotions of the people around her. She flees to bump into Trafalgar Law and boards his ship.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11

Context:

*Reader is a devil fruit user of the feel-feel fruit. This fruit allows the user to control the chemical balance inside of someone's brain to control their emotions. But it isn't easy to control and starts off as when she touches someone she shares her emotion with them. She starts wearing gloves laced with sea prism to avoid transferring her emotions to everyone she touches. later on, she will learn how to control which emotion she is transferring to someone without having to feel that current emotion. In the rare case of her being extremely upset, she can send out a cloud of emotions that can give a particular emotion to a large group of people but using that ability takes a lot out of her.

*Reader found the fruit when she was 5 and playing in the forest with some friends. Her mother was very supportive and tried helping her control her new ability and when she couldn't she saved up to get her the gloves laced with sea prism so she could play with her friends again. Her mother died when she was 10 and her father remarried when she was 12. Her stepmother had spent all her father's and mother's money on clothes and jewelry leaving her father overworked and unable to provide for his hungry daughter. When the reader turned 14 her stepmother took her to Sabaody for a fun vacation with just the two of them. Her stepmother brought her to the auction house where the reader would be sold for a large amount for her devil fruit ability.

*The reader for the next 10 years would be a slave to a world noble, she would follow him around changing to help him feel relaxed or to force the other slaves to feel particular ways for him. She was treated better than the other slaves because of her ability and her master would rarely let her out of his sight as he constantly bragged about the perfect slave he found.

*One day the reader was able to slip past her master and the guards and make her way to the harbor. It took three days to make it to the harbor unseen. You couldn't risk getting caught and sent back knowing the punishment for escaping would be worse than dying of starvation.

Chapter 1

At the harbor, Trafalgar Law and the heart pirates were docked collecting supplies. You were looking for a boat to stow away on and were ducking behind the supply crates and stealing the occasional fruit or two to munch on. You were hiding behind a stack of crates trying to pry open the one that said "APPLES" when someone sat on top of the crate closing your opening. You hissed and pulled your hand away and looked angrily at the man who looked at you questionly. "Is there a reason you are trying to steal my crew's provisions?" He asked.

"I just wanted an apple." You admitted looking away from the man. The man nodded and muttered some words before an Apple appeared in his hand which he stretched out to you which you greedily took.

"What are you hiding from?" He asked as you devoured the apple. As you were about to answer your master's guards came down from the mansion and started shouting at people if they had seen a girl matching your description and showing your image. The man nodded in understanding, "So what did you do to piss off the noble?"

You finished the apple leaving only the stem, "I stole something... But it didn't belong to him and he had no right to take it." You stated as the Man brought another apple to his hand to pass to you. You took it happily not knowing why you trust this man so much, "I just need to find a boat to stow away on but I haven't eaten in 3 days and your crate of apples looked so good." He examined you seeing your beaten-up features, shaky eyes, and deathly skinny figure.

The man sighed standing up, "You can board my ship and we can drop you off at the next island." Your eyes light up and you almost jump up in excitement but when your eyes landed on the guards you ducked behind the crates again. "But your trip will not be free you will assist my crew with their daily chorus." You nodded as he handed you another apple and you finished the second one he gave you. He looked over at the guards who were making their way closer to your location. "I'm going to transport you to my medical room on my ship don't be alarmed and stay there until I come and get you." He states before making a quick movement with his hand and you are teleported into a white room with shelves filled with books and medical supplies.

You couldn't help but peek out the window to see the guards now approaching the man who just assisted you they exchanged words before the guards left and the man turned on his heels and began boarding his ship and exchanged words with a large polar bear in a jumpsuit. That is when it hit you that the man that you were speaking to was none other than Trafalgar Law. Seeing him speak with the large polar bear man that the captain of the Heart Pirates is often seen with and the large sword he carries around is what tipped you off. He was a pirate and you are aboard a Pirate ship.

Your thoughts began to swim on one hand he was kind to you and gave you apples and helped you escape your prison on the other hand he was a famous pirate with a bounty of 200,000,000 berries. You crouch down and hold your head in panic. The door slammed open and the captain of the ship walked in. He paused when he didn't see you sitting on the medical table that he transported you to and his eyes darted around the room till he saw you shaking in the corner of the room. He sighs and continues to walk into the room closing the door behind him, "I guess you realized who I am?" He asked as he walked towards the sink to wash his hands and pour you a glass of water, "I am not going to hurt you." He assured turning around and sitting on the rolling stool that was placed near the medical table. He rolled his way over to you and handed you the glass of water. You looked up to see his inked hands holding the glass and followed up to his eyes that despite having the largest dark circles beneath them looked kind and trusting.

You took the glass of water and finished it in one gulp. Satisfied with you drinking the water he turned around and rolled his way back to the medical table. "Now if you don't mind I would like to conduct an examination." He gestured over to the table which you slowly walked over to and jumped up onto. You handed him the empty cup and he nodded before turning around to fill your glass up and grabbing his medical tools.

"You are Trafalgar Law, Captain of the Heart Pirates?" You asked as he handed you the now full glass of water.

"Yes." He responded bluntly before gently pulling up your sleeve and placing a weird tool around your arm. The tool inflated causing a pinch in your arm as he listened closely to your heart rate.

"Why did you help me?" You asked as he took the tool off your arm and wrote down something on his notepad.

He looked up at you and you looked into his yellow eyes before he shrugged and spun around gathering another tool. "I don't know." He admitted before turning back and sticking his new tool into your ear looking closely before sliding over to your other ear, "What did you steal from that noble?" He asked as he wrote down something new in his notes.

"It was something that belonged to my mother." You partially lied which the captain picked up on but chose not to pry. He gestured for you to open your mouth so he could look into it with his tool.

He turned to his desk and wrote down some final notes before returning with a cup with two pills in it and another glass of water. "You have a very severe case of dehydration and a forming bacterial infection. take these and tomorrow I'll give you two more and you should start feeling better in 3 days." He stated as you took the pills and water with confusion you were so worried about getting caught that you didn't even notice how fatigued you felt which he seemed to notice just from looking at you.

Unsure of what to say you looked up at him who returned to his notes and was removing his gloves, "thank you" You spoke softly not sure if he could even hear you.

"You can stay in here for those 3 days there is a hammock that can be pulled out from the ceiling that you can rest in. I'll have my first mate bring you provisions tonight and I'll come by tomorrow morning." He got up and pulled the hammock down from the ceiling and pulled out some blankets and pillows from the closet.

"You said earlier that I would need to assist with daily chores?" You questioned as he made the hammock comfy for you.

"You will but after you recover. We are going to set sail tomorrow morning and it's going to be a 10-day trip until we reach the next island. Once you recover I'll introduce you to the crew and give you a list of daily tasks." Tears began to fill your eyes you have no idea how you became so lucky to have found someone like him to help free you.

Law turned around and made his way to the door but paused, "What is your name?"

You paused at that question you haven't heard your name out loud ever since you were bought by your master who just referred to you as slave. "It's... Y/N" You smiled saying your name out loud for the first time in 10 years.

Law nodded, "Y/n." He said before closing the door. With the door closed you finally let the tears fall from your eyes and a smile covered your face, You were free.

***

Over the next three days, Law kept his promise of arriving in the morning to provide medication and to conduct a check-up to ensure you were recovering. Law would keep his visits brief conducting his check-up asking you if you are feeling better then leave. Bepo would become your number one company as he would visit you with food twice a day. You would ask Bepo questions about his captain and why he was being so kind to you and he would tell you it is because Law is a softy and can't turn away a patient. For the most part, you spent your time sleeping and recovering. Bepo borrowed a uniform from a crewmate named Ikkaku and showed you the shower room when no one was around so you could shower in private. While you showered you looked at the red tattoo that sat on your hip indicating your ownership and you whinced at the memory.

On the third day, you were itching to get out of the medical room. You folded up the blankets and attempted to put the hammock up but it was too high up for you. You then waited patiently on the medical table for the doctor to arrive and clear you to leave the room.

When Law entered the room he looked exhausted rubbing his eyes. He jumped back a little when you cheerfully wished him a good morning and was sitting on the table kicking your feet. He laughed slightly before walking over to the sink, "I see you are feeling better." He commented as he washed his hands and began his routine.

"I'm ready to get out of this room." You admit as he began his examination while you followed the movements without him needing to ask.

He nodded and wrote down a few notes, "You still seem to have some lingering effects from the infection but you seem in good health now but don't take things too hard. Bepo has arranged a bed in the bunks for you to stay in until we arrive at the next island and I have given him a list of tasks you can do together."

You nodded rolling your sleeve back down as he got up and led the way out of the medical room. You walk down the metal halls both scared and excited, if the rest of the crew is as kind as Bepo and Law then you know the next few days will be easy if they aren't then you fear that the next few days will be hell.

The two of you walk into a cafeteria of sorts and around 20 crew members where eating their morning breakfast. All eyes darted to the captain when he entered the room followed by you and he instantly had their full attention. "Listen up, this is y/n they will be staying with us for the next few days until we land on the next island. I expect you to treat her well." He then walked out of the room leaving you with the crew looking up at you and you began to panic giving a quick wave. Everyone then turned back to their food and their conversations and you sighed in relief.

You sat next to Bepo who brought you into their conversation. He then showed you where you would be bunking which was the bed directly above his, and then the two of you got to work mopping the floors and cleaning the bathroom neither were hand tasks as the crew keeps everything clean for the most part.

Over the next couple of days, you completed cleaning tasks around the ship and began to become closer to the crew. Ikkaku was the most excited about your visit as she was no longer the only girl on the ship Penguin and Shachi were much harder to befriend but it turned out they just wanted to haze you with a prank before becoming friendly towards you. You would take showers at night while everyone slept so that you could keep your mark hidden. Law being the insomniac that he is would be the only one who notices you sneak away to the showers each night as you pass his office.

When the tenth day arrived you were surprised to find yourself upset that you would be leaving but you were even more surprised to find Ikkaku, Bepo, Penguin, and Shachi standing in Law's office begging for them to "Keep" you as if you were a pet they didn't want to set free. Law kicked them out of his office stating that the decision is up to you not him. The four then pouted outside of the office when they spotted you on your way to Law's office to give him your thanks but you quickly turned around as the four started to run after you begging for you to stay.

Before you could say anything to the group the ship began shaking. You fell to the wall to brace yourself while everyone around you pushed off the walls to head to the deck to find what was wrong including Law who jumped out of his office dashing down the hall. Once you recovered and got back to your feet you also began to run down the hall following the crew. You ran up onto the deck almost falling to the floor when the ship took another hit causing it to shake again but you held steady on the door frame. The ship was docked on a beach near a town and right out front was a line of Marines who were shooting at the ship and had a large cannon that was aimed at the ship.

Law stood at the top of the deck using his powers to deflect the bullets while the crew got ready to jump off the ship and attack. You approached Law at the front of the ship who immediately shouted at you to get back but you ignored him as you removed your gloves. You reached your arms out and your eyes began to glow white and a cloud of mist floated out of your hand and towards the Marines who started to fall one by one as they inhaled the mist.

Law's eyes went wide as he watched you easily take out 50 Marines. When the last Marine fell your eyes fluttered back to normal and you began to fall. Law quickly caught you before you reached the ground and lifted you into his arms. You panted into his chest feeling dizzy and tired after using so much of your power.

The crew members jumped off the ship to investigate the fallen Marines and shouted out to their Captain that they had fallen asleep. Law stared down at you in amazement before ordering the crew to prepare to set sail before the Marines woke up. The crew followed their orders and the ship began to move away from the beach but not yet going underwater as Law and you sat on the deck to prevent any decrease in recovery that might be caused by going underwater.

After a few minutes, you finally caught your breath and Law gave you no time to begin asking you questions. "What was that?" he asked curiously as you sat up.

"The Feel Feel fruit. I can make people feel anything just by touching them." You showed your gloveless hand that had 5 dots on your fingers that glowed and shifted colors based on the emotion you were transferring. "I recently learned how to create the emotion mist but it takes a lot out of me."

Law grabbed your hand curiously and examined it, "How does it work?" He asked.

"At first all I had to do was feel an emotion and touch someone then I learned how to control which emotion was being transferred and my hand changes colors based on that emotion will be transferred. For instance, if I feel sad it will turn black, if I am feeling happy and social it will be Blue, for calm it is grey."

"Like a mood ring?" He asked as he watched the lights shift colors. "What does Gold mean?" He questioned as your hand shifted to gold and stayed there.

"It means a large range of emotions too much for it to pick up on?" You reply but are surprised to watch him place all five of his fingers on top of the glowing dots. His eyes widen as he begins to feel your emotions and when your emotions shift to surprise and the color shifts to Brown his eyes mimic yours shifting in curiosity and surprise. You yank your hand back releasing him from your spell before any other emotions can be transferred to him. But emotions tend to linger so you shifted the color to grey and grabbed his arm shifting his emotions back to calm.

He shook his head back and breathed calmly now feeling a sensation he had never felt before truly calm and relaxed. "Wow." Was all he could say as he closed his eyes relishing in the moment before it fell off him like a wave.

"Emotions tend to linger even if I were to pass out or end the connection they will remain until the person can calm down and their body starts producing its own chemicals again." You state placing your glove back on your hand knowing how addictive the powers can be.

You watch Law take a deep breath before returning to his own emotions, "So you aren't just making people feel a particular way you are shifting the chemicals in the brain to make them think they feel a particular way. Interesting. I tried to do that with my Op Op powers so that I wouldn't have to use sedatives on my patients and risk a reaction but the process is extremely complicated with my abilities." He then got off the ground reaching his hand out for you, "Y/N would you please join my crew?" He asked.

You paused you have been used your entire life for your powers and the addictive nature that comes with them but you look up at Law curious and anticipating eyes. "Law...." You start but pause to take a deep breath, "I didn't steal an item from the Noble." You surprised yourself with the confession and you yank your eyes away from the captain looming over you. "I... I stole my freedom... I was his slave." You finally admitted and tears flowed down your eyes. Law noticed and bent back down to your level and pulled your face toward him so he could see your eyes shift black. "He used my powers to control his emotions and became addicted to them, I can't join your crew if that's what you want me to do."

"Y/N I asked you to join my crew because everyone has taken a liking to you. your powers are amazing but you never have to use them when you don't want to. If you join my crew I will never ask you to use your powers in a way you don't want to." You nodded believing his words, "However, because you were once a slave I suggest you take my offer. The world will not be kind to you and the world government will try to return you if you join my crew we can protect you." He stood up and offered his hand again which you took and he pulled you up to your feet.

The two of you walked into the ship and as soon as the door closed the ship began to sink below the waterline.

***

Next Chapter

#trafalgar law #one piece #x reader #fem!reader #writing #trafalgar d water law #trafalgar d law x reader #one piece x reader

139 notes · View notes

joblrcensus · 8 months

Text

it’s time for the JOblr census results 🧡🙌

before we start i want to thank everyone who took their time to answer this silly little project, gathering responses from 203 baby boos!! it’s my first time doing this so hopefully i can bring some excitement with the results <3

so buckle up and let’s get into it

general questions

Which continent are you from?

Unsurprisingly, the majority is European with a total of 80.8% but it’s amazing to see that they’ve crossed the continent’s border and we also have 9.9% people from North America, 3.9% from Australia & Oceania, 3.4% from Asia and 2% from South America. No person chose the Africa option.

Which country are you from? (optional)

With this being an optional question, 162 respondents out of 203 opted to answer it. Let’s take a look at the top countries by number of people in JOblr (small note: I counted the few people who wrote England or Scotland as part of the UK answer)

Drumrolls 🥁…..

Finland - 29

UK & USA - 15

Germany - 11

Poland - 9

Italy - 8

Australia - 7

Sweden - 6

Austria, Spain, The Netherlands - 5

Croatia, Slovenia - 4

Czechia, France, Romania - 3

Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Hungary, Lithuania, Norway, Philippines, Portugal, Ukraine - 2

Bolivia, Brazil, China, Estonia, Greece, Iceland, India, Luxembourg, Malta, Mexico, Russia, Switzerland - 1

How old are you?

45.8% of us are between 18-25, following by 23.6% between 26-30, 18.2% between 31-45, 10.8% under 18 and two people who are over 45 years old.

Are you part of the LGBTQ+ community?

Remember when they said Joker Out are for the girls and gays? 🏳️‍🌈

Well that was absolutely not wrong since 77.3% baby boos answered that yes they are part of the community, while 11.8% are questioning and 10.8% have answered no

tumblr activity questions

How do you participate on JOblr?

a majority of 98 people are mostly reblogging posts in the fandom but sometimes making posts of their own, 38 are only reblogging while 36 lurkers have stepped out of the shadow and made themselves known. The least amount of people (31) said to be active posters

Do you post any of the following?

It’s already known this fandom is mad talented and entertaining!! It’s always a joy seeing everyone’s creations and posts no matter the type. And the people who are only enjoying and supporting the content are just as important 🫶

Do you also post about Käärijä?

Since these two fandoms are basically overlapping, sometimes even seen as one fandom, I was curious just how much

50.7% also post about Käärijä outside of Joker Out, while 35% don’t post about him at all (or perhaps very rarely). 14.3% are mainly coming from Käärijä’s fandom

joker out questions

How did you find out about Joker Out?

Another unsurprising result, with 89.7% of us finding out about them through Eurovision. But it was really cool to see that there are people who discovered them differently. Ten people found out about them through Tumblr or other social media, to four they were recommended by someone and one through a music platform. The “other” option was chosen as well and included:

finding out about JO through Käärijä

through a music blog review

on slovenian radio

Who from the current members is your favorite?

One of the hardest questions but it had to be done

So Tumblr’s top favorite members areee:

Bojan - 69 votes

Jan - 42 votes

Kris - 40 votes

Nace - 35 votes

Jure - 17 votes

Have you been to a Joker Out concert?

I did not expect this one to be so balanced but I am pleasantly surprised! 104 people have been to a JO concert, while 99 haven’t. It often feels like you’re the only person who hasn’t seen them live yet but it’s nice to see that you’re not alone, so if anyone feels the same don’t worry our time will come too 🥹

If you answered yes, have you seen them multiple times?

Out of the 104 people who previously answered yes, there’s still a balance between those who have been to only one concert and those who have been to multiple

If you’re into RPF, which one of the most popular ships (according to AO3) is your favorite?

Another optional question where 181 out of 203 opted to respond to.

Oh boy, ooooh boy this was a tough battle. It felt like I was watching a horse race. I can tell you that all three ships have been at some point in the first place, or even equal. Are you ready to see the most interesting result yet?

Drumrolls again 🥁…….

BoJere - 58 votes

BoKris - 57 votes

Jance - 56 votes

The “other” option was also chosen and the following ships were included:

BoMartin

Jan/Jure

Kris/Jure

Nace/Kris

Nace/Jere

poly!JO

aaaand that’s it, you made it to the end 🫶 hope you enjoyed and why not see you on the next census!!

#sorry in advance for any grammar mistakes:))#joker out #bojan cvjetićanin #jan peteh #jure maček #kris guštin #nace jordan

139 notes · View notes

tabathawillet · 3 months

Text

My first post! 😹 I’m still not super tumblr savvy yet so forgive me.

‼️WARNING‼️

RHRN SPOILERS….

My theory after watching the movie.

I was never a ‘Terzo is coming back’ believer but after watching the movie three times it makes me think maybe it could be.

1. The twins: one had light hair and one had dark, Copia had lighter hair than Terzo.

2. Sister said everything is circulation, which means things come back around.

3. There are lots of theories about him not being actually dead. In their virtual game, it said Terzo didn’t have an autopsy. His foot moved in the morgue, the scratches on the coffin, Etc. (I personally don’t believe the magazine cover with Copia holding Terzo’s head is “cannon” but even so, Tobias sometimes retcons his own lore, but i believe he does it purposely) I think if Terzo were the other twin (meaning he is imperator’s son too) she wouldn’t have killed him, besides it makes sense that COPIA was the “secret” twin because Nihil wasn’t aware of him at first, he didn’t even know Imperator was Copia’s mother, because although he’s a dickhead I’m sure he can do the math, so it makes sense that she gave him the son that looked more like him (Terzo) and kept Copia a secret. I also don’t know how she would have finally told all her truths on her deathbed to ease her mind and kept the other twin a secret.

4. Copia’s name means copy and everyone said he was a copy of Terzo. Their original hairstyles were similar. They had the same style and aesthetic. They even do some of the same moves and rifts with songs. So maybe it’s been in our face the whole time, as is often the case with Tobias hiding things in plain sight.

5. When Copia was introduced sister said someone “slightly younger” we all assumed Terzo’s age because of the “he’s three months younger than Secondo” thing, but in the movie Nihil said that he’s 80 and for now let’s consider the 4 sons he has: the Papas. In the new song, it’s based in 1969, it said 15 years was 1984 & 55 years was 2024. So Copia is 55, I could easily see Terzo as 55 too, he wasn’t graying yet when he “died” and neither was Copia at that time. In fact sometime last year the mask maker that Tobias uses posted a Copia looking mask with Terzo’s black hair.

6. The whole shoe bit in the movie seemed like a nod to Terzo’s hole in his shoe and served no other purpose that I could think of.

7. The movie is literally titled from a Terzo song, and in that video at the end there are two Terzos and that’s where Copia was introduced. If I’m not mistaken Tobias did an interview and said there was another hint in that video that no one caught yet.

8. I think Tobias is a genius and he knows Terzo was a fan favorite and he has potential, he became a favorite BEFORE Ghost really blew up from MOAC. But I don’t think he will be the one who tours. I think Terzo will be used in the chapters. The movie went out of its way to explain some lore to us that we already knew JUST so it could be pointed out that “Technically” Copia is the “5th Papa”. Copia didn’t want to stop touring, he asked “who’s in charge” and at the end it’s him, he could totally say no I’m not done and continue touring while we have some great content online of the brothers bickering especially now that I think we will do all the chapters with Alex the director now. I believe the chapters are about to massively increase in quality and production.

9. I also think the soundtrack might be the only album we get this year, if the interview with Richie is correct and he’s doing things with Ghost in November. Also there was a recent post about someone from Iron Maiden being asked if Ghost would tour with them later this year and he said no Ghost wants to do an arena tour. Copia (as Cardinal) and Terzo both did 3 years of tours so a third leg of this last album cycle isn’t out of the question especially after the issues they encountered on the last tour with venues/weather/cancelled shows.

10. Finally and this is just my hopeful thinking. I don’t think Tobias would take Copia from us when we didn’t have a fair chance to “meet” him at meet and greets as Papa. There was only the small opportunity during the 2022 tour with masks and plexiglass and it wasn’t ideal. I just don’t feel like he’s okay with that, but maybe it’s just my wishful thinking! 😹

#rhrn spoilers #rite here right now spoilers #the band ghost #cardinal copia #papa emeritus iv #papa emeritus iii #papa terzo #ghost band #ghost bc #ghovie spoilers #ghovie #spoiler warning #rite here rite now

54 notes · View notes

14thgalerie · 2 years

Text

• pairing: james potter x reader

• now playing: the most beautiful thing by bruno major / yellow by coldplay

• word count: 2k.

• genre: fluff, slight angst

— hi! this should be my second fic posted here in tumblr and it's a marauders fic because i've been going into my hp phase again. Anyways, I might have a part 2 for this, it depends.

part 2 part 3/alt. ending

James was 9 when he realised how deeply in love his parents were with one another. He saw how his father would look at his mother with the same fondness as a child would when presented with a bowl of candy and how she would gaze at him just the same, maybe even more.

James was 11 when he first stepped onto the floors of the Great Hall with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, whom he had just met on the train on his way to Hogwarts and knew that the next 7 years of his life would be the best of his life.

James was 12 when he first saw you by the Whomping Willow, scared out of his guts that he might see you flying through the air. A gruesome sight that he would rather not see. So he ran for his life, completely forgoing the fact that he may be next to you up in the air. All he knew was that he had to save you from your demise.

He was screamed at by you to stop, causing him to stumble in his place as he confusedly, albeit hesitant, forced his feet to do so. He couldn’t understand why you were still standing there in front of him, in no way in any harm, as he expected you to be, with the tree gently swaying.

He was 12 when you gently took his hands in yours and slowly led him to your spot below the tree, he could still feel the gentleness of yours against his rough hands littered by tiny scars from his escapades with the boys. He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t about to shit his pants as the both of you got nearer to the tree. The stories that he has heard from his seniors and peers weren't really all that nice.

Cringing at one that he remembers so clearly.

He remembered being perplexed as to why he hadn't been flung through the sky right then and there. And why were you so composed about it?

“Are you some sort of immortal witch that’s stuck in a child’s body or something?” He asked, no longer able to help himself, eager to get answers. “What?” You laughed, both amazed and confused at how the boy came to that conclusion.

“I mean, how in the world did you manage to tame this thing unless you’re some kind of genius witch?”

“What would you do if I was?” She played into his theory. “I- I don’t know actually, but that would be super cool?”

“I’m not, but that indeed does look cool, I wish it’s true.” She replies.

“I’m James, by the way, James Potter.” He quickly introduces himself at the realisation that he has yet to do so. “I’m well aware of who you are, you have quite a reputation with Black and the others.”

“I hope it’s all good then…”

“Y/N. It’s Y/N Y/LN.”

“Y/N…that sounds pretty.”

He was 14 when he first realised that the fluttering feeling in his stomach was there. The one that he frustratingly tried to get rid of, even though he had no idea how it came about. It stopped when they went home for Christmas, so imagine his confusion when it came back the moment that the both of you made eye contact.

He remembered turning back in panic when he saw you step forward, running as fast as he could to their room, locking himself in hiding. The two boys who were sorting through their bags were startled at his entrance, “Prongs?” He hears a voice which makes him look up from his dazed state.

“You alright there?” Remus asks him, worried at the frenzied James.

“I don’t know.” He answered.

“What?”

“I just-”

“Well spit it out! Stop making us wait!” The long-haired boy rushed forward with his arms stretched outwards to grab James’ shoulders and shake him. “Moony, you’re smart, aren’t you? Please tell me why the hell is my stomach doing flips right now.”

Remus chuckles, “Did you see Y/N before you came rushing here?”

His forehead scrunches in confusion and his glasses move down his nose at the action. “How’d you know? Have you got some tracker on me?” He finds himself even more confused when the two only laugh harder at his question. He continued to wait with his hands propped up on his waist until he finally couldn’t stand the sound of their laughter anymore. “Well, have the both of you got any plans to answer me anytime today?”

“It really is true, huh?” Sirius asks Remus, ignoring the pouting boy who is still sitting by the door. “Remus’ the only one with a brain here.”

“Hello?” James quickly stands and stomps towards his friends, “I’m genuinely asking here?”

Sirius and Remus share a quick laugh before they answer and put their friend out of his misery, “You have a crush on your best friend, mate”

Something about hearing that statement out loud made him stutter.

You had been a lot of things for him ever since that day. A friend, a confidant, a tutor, a partner in crime and so much more. But it had never dawned on him just how attached he had been to you. You were his and he was yours but not in the way that others may think. There was no way you would even think of him in that way.

Right?

He denies this, “That’s foolish, Moony. I’ll just ask the others.” The lanky boy’s voice however pulls him to a stop, “And what? Risk the chance that this reaches Y/N?”

Sirius butts in before he could, “Well that would be great, ain’t it? The both of them could finally release that pent-up love they have for each other”

But when he continued to leave through the door, he couldn’t stop the image of you and him in the likeness of his parents from popping up in his mind.

The two boys smirked from where they sat, knowing that James would deny this at first. Deny himself of the idea but would never let himself be denied of the possibility even if it may have been a false thought that his friends put him up to.

He was the same age when he found himself sticking close to you at every waking moment, purposely or not. James would make an effort to wake up early even if it was still dark out and wait for you by the Gryffindor common room. He remembers the look of surprise on your face when you bumped into his chest, looking up to apologise and seeing a beaming James staring down at you. Before you could even pull your lips apart, he was already grabbing your bag and taking the heavy books from your arms.

He would continue this for weeks, making sure to end the day by taking you to the place where you first met and taking a nap on your lap as you study.

James was 15 when he finally got the courage to ask you on a date in Hogsmeade. A day that made him happier than he ever thought possible.

There wasn’t anything different that day compared to the ones before. The two of you went out and about, hopping from one store to another. The nerves that wove through him the night before had washed out as if it weren’t even there.

You had spent the last two hours in some ice cream parlour that you had found before you were set to go back to Hogwarts, comfortably conversing with one another about all sorts of things. In the short moment where silence befalls you, he takes a chance to really look at you, not that he hadn’t already all day. The way you sat so relaxed in your seat and hummed along to the songs he can’t even recall the names of made him feel warm.

He feels the corner of his lips twitch when you catch him staring unabashedly.

Gradually you became a pivotal part of his day, every millisecond he spends apart from you since then is spent replaying an image of you. Of the person he only saw as his friend, had made her home in every corner of his mind and his heart.

James was 18 when he knew that you were the one. Staring at your face as the both of you lay with your legs draped over his on the living room couch, sitting in comfortable silence, he felt that this kind of love was right because it was easy.

3 years may not be enough to reach this conclusion if you ask me, but when you’ve finally got the love that feels as natural as breathing, then you’ve got the love that is worth holding onto.

And loving you had been so simple and effortless. Although conflict may arise and bad days may come between you two, you make it work, and the both of you make it work. Which made trying hours seem like one in a million compared to the easy days.

He wants to build the future that the both of you had dreamed of, to set in stone and paper that you would be there in his dream. He wouldn’t let anything come in the way of it, even if you may choose to live off in solitude in the muggle world, away from the mess that is yours.

James was 21 when he tried to keep his hands from shaking, breathing heavily in and out in a pattern. When he finally hears the groan of the creaky old doors of the tiny farmhouse open, he turns and immediately feels tears well up in the corner of his eyes. it will be the first time he saw you again before the ceremony, the both of you choosing to keep this moment private between you.

“Are you real?” He asks as he delicately wraps his fingers around your waist, pulling you in ever so slightly to him. You feel the subtle movement of his thumb as it caresses the fabric it sits on. “I would like to believe so.” You laugh and a laugh is shared between the two of you at his cheesy question.

“Thank you, darling.” He continues.

“For what? Gracing your presence with my ever-so-amazing self?” She teases him, even if she already knows the answer. “Yes.”

She laughs out loud, placing her arms on his arms to hold herself up. “I am actually eternally grateful for how you appeared in my life that day in the Whomping Willow. You-”

He pauses and takes a look at her eyes as he tries to find the right words. “You gave me the love that I’ve always dreamt of as a child, of the love that I was envious of my parents of, of the love that no other could give me. You are my best friend— please don’t mention this to Padfoot and Moony, they would probably throw me in the river and replace me with you”

“That sounds nice actually,” She brings her hands up in exaggerated wonder, “Chimmy, the monkey and third member of the Marauders. It has a nice ring to it actually.”

James dramatically gasps, pulling his left hand to his chest in fake hurt. “I can’t believe I’m marrying you!”

“Me too. I was kind of rooting for Marlene to speak up later at the ceremony so I could run away with her.”

James sniffs and scoffs, “I might just join Peter then and join Voldy’s band for you have just crushed my heart, woman.”

“I can’t.” You feel the oxygen leaving your body, draining you as you uncontrollably laugh at your cheesy (and dark) jokes. James waits for you to settle down, smiling down at you with sheer adoration before he continues his spontaneous vow to you, “But seriously dear, thank you. I am eternally grateful to whatever god may be listening to us right now for letting me have you as my other half for the next 100 years— well maybe less but let’s keep it at a 100 to make this speech sound more loving. I promise to love you and only you till the end of our days and if ever there comes a time that may seem untrue, please know it’s not.”

“If there’s anything I am more sure of than anything, it’s that you are the one for me no matter what.”

And James was 25 when that time came.

masterlist

#harry potter #marauders #james potter #james potter x reader #james potter x y/n #james potter x you #james potter fluff #james potter angst #james potter imagine #james potter fanfic #james potter fanfiction #the marauders

808 notes · View notes