#depending on how i feel that day lol
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as a generally curious person, the one question that's always burning at the back of my mind is: how do my mutuals look?? so because tumblr is the Great Anonymous Basement of the internet and we're obviously not posting selfies, I'm asking you all (very very nicely) to reblog this and tell me what you look like in the tags!!
#i'll go first!#i have lightish blonde hair and blue eyes (aka typical white person)#my hair is incidentally the straightest thing about me (and very long. i'm thinking of chopping it off and getting a bob soon)#i wear glasses. everyone agrees my face looks weird without them#my sense of style fluctuates between 10 y/o boy from the 1930s and someone's secretary in the 1970s -- or any combination thereof#actually i think it's safe to say i look like either: a grandma. the grandpa she buys clothes for or the queer kid who raids their wardrobe#depending on how i feel that day lol#oh and you can recognise me by my flat cap. i don't leave the house without it#yup. i get Looks when i go outside lol#i also still have a forehead covered in pimples. have done since i was 12. still waiting for that to clear up (if it ever will sjkdf)
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CASTIEL: Stop. What's the point if you don't mean it? You fear me - not love, not respect, just fear.
[youtube with closed captions]
a godstiel pity party. i'd like to thank an anon i got way back in february of 2021.
#spn#vid#spnamvarchive#so fun fact i started making this more than a year ago. got it 90% done. and then was like no this isn't working#i will come back to this later.#it turns out that i needed to make some videos about cas and angels (the love club + help i'm alive amvs)#in order to make this one. anyway this video is about french mistake robert singer voice season six#i really struggled with it because i could NOT find the thread until i realized that it needed to be literally godstiel pov#it's about love and desire and jealousy and hurt and omnidirectional rage <3#it's about the fact that cas is so utterly dependent on dean for his self-image - however dean sees him that's it#it's about having a moment of reflection about lashing out before you do it but doing it anyway#it's about taking cruelty and dishing it out#and crucially. it's about being pregnant#mpregpocalypse#fun fact: i made a post about working on three season six amvs all the way back in nov. 2022#and only now have they come to fruition (this one + love club + metric)#anyway. have you heard that cas is obsessed#the thing is i do kinda want to add some specific director's commentary here. like the first verse is about cas being like.#incredibly deeply emotionally vulnerable to dean. as in: his emotional state and self-image is totally dominated by what dean thinks of him#and if dean is mad at him. and then the second verse is about... dean upsetting him and him responding to that by Killing Everybody lol#like he has a moment of reflection ['certain regrettable things are now required of me' + killing rachel] where he's like i've 1) also done#bad things and 2) i feel bad about it so maybe i will regret Killing Everyone. but then he does it anyway due to everybody keeps turning#on him. i feel like the rest of the amv is self evident. i guess i should note that 'share a paradise' is about how both of them have#a nostalgic view of the early days of their relationship when it wasn't Like This lol. but everything else i think is self evident.#oh and the reason the other angels flash onscreen with their burned wings at the end is i'm EVOKING the image of cas' wings burning. even#though it doesn't happen. i'm evoking it
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something simple to try to get out of art block (it didn't work)
#alek art#ninjago#zane julien#2024#i am very unhappy with this and sooo in order to feel better i am going to talk about him#system zane is very real to me. i always give him six main alters (but i do believe there is more lol)#systems cannot just pick and choose who front depending on the day i am very aware (i am a system) its more on the nose symbolism#the fifth one crossed out is the ice emperor. in canon he exists in zane's mind as an “alter ego” of sorts which is crazy to me#character has canon dissociative episodes... amnesia... and several different “personalities” / identities? sounds familiar idk#i talked a lot about this hc on my long ass zane hc post thanks for the ask btw npderzane#its not an au its just how i see him so just imagine every zane i draw as system zane. ill only specify it in the tags if its system related#that one post thats like. 'being a did system sucks which one of us poured instant coffee in the bathtub!' thats the average zane experience#he wakes up and everyones like “mannn zane you were going crazyyy on prime empire yesterday” and hes like ??? i did not play any video games#and then he looks at the calender and 6 months have passed. semi true story that happened to me#also alters having incredibly different food preferences is funny. zane doesnt eat anything ever vs boone who eats raw meat sometimes#zane having really weird characterization? and its very inconsistent / bad writing uhhh alek explanation is hes a system and nobody can mask#man its 1 pm :|#i hate this drawing so much i dont even want to look at it but it took time so ill post it#i also have another zane drawing in my drafts i should post. from like 2 months ago???
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the thing abt the surgery is that yes I do get litle moments of being ecstatic it finally happened but also I just feel Normal now. like my base state for all my life up until last week was worry, horror, and panic when i'd occasionally remember the very unwanted thing my body was capable of, spiraling into what ifs on potential conflicts in my life and future... and now i just feel Not Stressed Out All the Time. Normal.
#talkys#and again that's still that i have not really ever been in active risk of anything happening LOL#god im so happy. im really considering the tattoo even though im not a tattoo person at all#ill see. it depends on how much my incisions/scars fade...but a small green line shouldn't be that bothersome to always be looking at...#ALSO tbf a tiny bit of the worry is still there... im gonna ask my doctor to detail everything about the photos he took of my insides#bc idk. what if they somehow grow back. what if he didn't remove all of em. ykwim. pair of noia#but that's also just due to regular health anxiety#actually you know what can i schedule a hysto. just to be super sure nothing can ever happen to me.#+ ALSO ALSO it didn't feel real every day leading up to it and it kind of still doesn't! like! who was that cheye! he wasn't scared at all!#no way i found a doctor to do it and my parents didnt fight me on it and my mom didnt scream and cry and cause a scene once there. YAY
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fiddauthor angst,,,,,, if u will,,,, or maybe portal ford angst,,,,,,, thank you :3
I FEEL SO BAD IM SO LATE ON ALL MY ASKS DJDHFITNOTBT
anyway here have ford right after he got blasted into the portal trying to hide from bills demon minions :)
(pleeeease click to see it property tumblr messes the quality up)
#I FEEL SO BAD I LIKE-#only sometimes make a full piece for an ask???#like idk it depends how motivated i'm feeling day to day#i'm sorry yall if one of you gets a fully rendered piece and someone else get sketch lol#gravity falls#ford pines#stanford pines#art#portal ford#attempted art
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DAY 2 + 3 : Past reflections, regretful present, uncertain future
#yeah this is for eddtober#idk if I’ll do more days. I’m planning to but it depends on how I feel lol#anyways yes this is for both days. smiles#eddsworld#ew patryck#fanart#eddtober#my art
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Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb
#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that#you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario#where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality#and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do#also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute#like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the#AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties#on people last minute lol#assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about#birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted#AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj#I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people#I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews#or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made#surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra#m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat#whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh#New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing#for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way#*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c
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some of you haven't experienced true hell until you end up drowning in Horrors and your only lifeline is an individual who completely sucks and only views you as a feelgood accessory to augment their own life and you can't seek anything better for yourself because there is a rot inside your body that you cannot fix and scares literally every other human being away no matter what you do so it's either settle for being shoved into someone else's myopic fantasy mold or let every minute of your life be ruled by unfathomable loneliness and terror. as you do.
#:)#the illness is survivable the material circumstances the illness has locked me into are unbearable however#i feel wet and pathetic moaning about this because all this shit really should pale in comparison to the Literal Organ Failure#but you know how much it sucks when everything in your life either stresses you out or bums you out!#like i have uni but that's stressful on account of how unstable my schedule it is#my ability to go places and do stuff is dependent on if i can work around constant hospital appointments#and other people in my life all fail me in various ways!#my parents are understandably traumatised and 24/7 fixated on my health so no reprieve there#my friend is good and lovely but she's barely keeping her own head above water herself#and my partner....complete flop#can't talk about my illness because it upsets him and he needs comforting instead#i have to go visit him on his terms because he won't take time off work and his ocd means he refuses to leave his city#so this obviously limits when/how much i can see him since it's 2.5 hours to reach his house#and when i do see him he only really entertains Cute Gay Romance fantasy so vibe killer conversations are no go#since obviously i'm way less desirable when bumming him out talking about my mortality lmao#but that means that i can't and shouldn't really lean on him in literally any way in any matter#so i spend so many days sitting in my house dwelling on scary thoughts with not much to break it up! absolutely maddening lol#think i would kill sometimes just to have someone around who i can uncomplicatedly cry to but being in your 20s is about Not having that#fuck an organ transplant at this point i'll take having a shoulder strong enough for me to lean on!#maudlin on main again but i'll get over it
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🤍🫂🌹
#this is a very very soft announcement bc it might change (as you know me smh 🙄)#as some might remember i said like 1-2 months ago that id see how i feel about tumblr after cmi11.5 and see whether i want#to stay or close that chapter of my life! and i've been thinking about it a lotttt these days and i keep going back and forth#but i think depending on how everyone likes Entertainer it might be my last fic on here 🤍#which again.. can change depending on my mood n motivation.. im also not saying this to get attention etc but to inform you where i stand :)#writing is just a looooot of effort and tumblr has been vvv quiet (i also think my blog has lost some relevance but that's okay!! things#move fast)#i have soooo many wips i love lol 😭 but im not sure if i have the energy to write 20-40k stuff when nobody's around anymore :(#but let's see how you like Entertainer bc im vvv excited for it!! 🥰 keep spreading love until then <3#love you guys sm 🤍#might delete since it's an unsure post.. just wanted those who see this or care to know 🫂
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i survived the movie premiere and i only had a few sightings which is very good but . i feel like i just got beat up. in an alleyway idk there is no other way to describe what i'm feeling rn. the movie was about just some guy who quits his lame cashier job and then struggles to find a job he actually likes (me). who loves to watch movies, who loves to go to a cinema and who prefers to sit in the last row and who wants to eat popcorn (me)(since this was an estonian film he was talking about THE exact cinema i go to btw)(there are so many other cinemas here). who wanted to go and study something creative but then just.. didn't (me). who does nothing all day long (me). who feels like every opportunity has already passed and that it's too late to really pick up anything now because it's just way too fucking embarrassing (me). who feels like he has nothing to offer (me). and who feels like he's just an interesting "hello" and nothing more (me).
extra (me) points for when he and his girlfriend went to hang out with her father and then after it he went "i think it's amazing how well you get along with your dad" . as if that isn't something i have said .. countless times before😭😭😭
#there really were some scenes that made me want to cry so badly lmao it's so embarrassing#him and his gf were having an argument and she said how she can't depend on him at all#and that he doesn't do the things she asks him to do even though he doesn't do anything all day long#btw the gf was actually really really nice she gave this cute speech to him at the end#which made him feel better#like she reassured him that he IS interesting and that she doesn't think the world has ended and that it isn't too late#and that he isn't a failure#all of that good stuff#i did not feel better though😭😭😭#like yeah that's#literally me#nothing#i'm listening to the challengers soundtrack while crying this is so funny actually#seeing my literal classmates' names in the titles did not make any of it better either lmao#they're all doing things#things they love#i have to hype myself up to go the fucking grocery store#mayor of loserville#lol#cw vent
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The last thing i expected tonight was my backyard catching on fire lol (im okay, my family is okay, and the house is also okay)
#definitely a traumatic experience#i would like to never go through that ever again <3#we got extremely lucky 🙏#anyways just wanna let everyone know i'll probably take some days off#or maybe not. depending on how i'll cope lol#we got extremely lucky :(#next therapy session is gonna be an intense one i can feel it already 👍
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Take some Fydd's I just realized I never posted
#keese draws#oc art#oc#ocs#eternal gales#fydd is such a comfort character to me rn its not even funny I adore this lil lad#hes been helping keep me sane#Ive also been keeping sane by brainstoriming more abt how I wanna make eternal gales someday which is also helping#and lemme say its getting real ambitious folks this bad boy isnt getting made for a While lol#the more Ive been thinking abt eternal gales and how I want it to be formatted the more certain I become that while its not going to be a#game Im probably going to be making it within a game maker engine#like Ill still look into how feasible making it all into a website would be but I think for what I want to make this would work best#which is! very ambitious and is definitely not smth I can manage rn! but I have been wanting to re learn to code anyways so!#its mostly just a matter of like. doing some smaller projects first and getting my shit together#ideally I want to be able to be in a place to get started in about 5 years maybe? idk that feels reasonable to me#but Im fine if it takes longer as long as Ive gotten at least some actual real project started and worked on#Ive been playing around with the idea of maybe trying my hand at making a small game for fun#not right this second but maybe soon? idk depends on a bunch of shit#honestly eternal gales has dragged me through so much whenever I feel hopeless I just have to remember that I Need to make it some day and#imagine ppl asking me questions abt it and analyzing my writing and I go ok so I must persist no matter what I need ppl to read abt them
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I HC that fem Leona would wear her hair short to mirror how lionesses don't have manes - it's a common trend amongst lion beastfolk (particularly those in more traditional families) that girls would have short hair and boys would grow their hair long
#also genderfluid Leona who styles their hair depending on how the vibes are each day#his usual style for he/him days#and maybe she'd use a head wrap for she/her days#twst#twisted wonderland#disney twst#disney twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland headcanons#twst headcanons#I don't know much about hairstyles lol#feel free to share your own opinions and headcanons with me! :D
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despite my allergies i have still considered getting a cat tbh. i love dogs but they kinda demand attention in a way that cats just don't. cats are slightly more self-sufficient creatures (like, emotionally) and crucially, you don't need to walk them outside every single day. also they're smaller and generally cost less and they're such cute lil guys and obviously they're very fun to play with but i would truly need to figure out some kind of allergy solution because my throat will close up if im exposed to too much Cat Essence 😔
#depending on how well people clean their houses i can hypothetically last a whole night with just loratadine and be okay#but if u haven't vacuumed for even just a couple days i got like 2 hours before things start to go south#or the time my friend's (elderly and shedding) cat sat in my lap for like an hour purring 🥺🥺#she was so sweet but my chest did start to feel tight towards the end of that fjshsgs#ive heard cats with certain types of coats are better than others but i can't find a reliable source on specifically which ones#also have done 0 research on like allergy treatments or prescriptions or whatever#but maybe i should because like i said i love dogs#but for like. when i move out and im on my own. honestly not sure i'll be ready for a dog#they just. have so much goddamn energy#plus ive always wanted a cat but in a household where 3 of us have severe allergies and the 4th isn't trusted with small animals#well it's never been an option lol#idk it'll all depend on where i end up and how i feel then anyway but it's smth i have thought about#bri babbles
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we've seen rei and natu and fuyumi in 'pleased to meet you', but what is dabi's relationship like with enji and shouto?
you know, enji is one thing in ptmy that i'm undecided on. one one hand, i almost don't even want to touch that, bc it's sooooo much—and i'm also still not sure where they'll be at the end of the canon story, not that that has to translate into ptmy—and also bc, i go back and forth with wondering what i want for their relationship ?? so tbh that's probably also contributing to the mud puddle i feel stuck in right now re: ptmy. but on the other hand, i feel like there is no way for me to not talk about them, you know ? where touya and enji are at as he recovers like. i can't not talk about it. idk idk ! i'm stuck !
as far as shouto, i think, as he's healing, it would make sense to me that he goes back and forth with how he feels about shouto. shouto will always be there for whenever touya feels like reaching out, and he'll always be just out of view in case he needs anything at all, and at times, touya could be convinced to nurture some kind of relationship with him, but i think he gets in a bad mood and then changes his mind LOL like, it's that simple. he's just that much of a brat LOL
i definitely have more planned for touya and shouto's relationship, but i'm still deciding endeavor....i'm hoping my feelings will become a little more study once the manga finishes and i have some kind of direction to follow LOL but tysm for asking ! and for your patience !
#✿ ask willow#it's all so fragile too i think#and a lot of it genuinely depends on how touya feels any given day LOL#bc he's so driven by his emotions i think#idk if this made any sense but LOL#tldr: still figuring out enji; more to come with shouto
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https://www.tumblr.com/faulkner-gordon/766372402703810560/this-is-lawrence-and-alison-to-me substanceshipping . (spink is cis in my mind so boypussy is gavin about david)
you're so right actually
#i enjoy both cis and trans spink it just depends on how im feeling that day tbh lol#substanceshipping#leighcest
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