#demi-sexual

[writercole]

For your sleepover, Cole! ☺️

what are some of your beau simpson headcanons?!?

tell me about your crushes (tumblr + real life!)

Ah, Beau.

He speaks French fluently.

He's stoic in public, always watching front, back, and side to side. This stems from him needing to be alert while on deployment and in the air.

He listens to crooners of the fifties and sixties nearly exclusively- Sinatra, Martin, Sammy Davis Jr.

He's punctual. To a fault.

He is not competitive.

Crushes? Oh my. I'm demi-sexual and demi-romantic so I'm that italicized "oh" moment girl irl. The closest I have to a crush (besides my husband) is probably....Hozier right now. Or Lewis. OH and Jensen Ackles.

Fictional characters though? Oh there's millions.

[nutterwithasolderingiron]

Question for all the grey-ace/demi-sexual folk out there. Do you ever feel like your too ace for Allo folk and too Allo for ace folk? This is something that's been on my mind for a while now

[cowboylikeghost]

Silly little headcanons

[twentyfourlivesforinfinity]

it was so enlightening when i realized that what i thought must be sexual attraction to strangers or actors or models etc is really aesthetic attraction. i thought for so long that i must not really quite be demi-sexual cause i knew i felt something when i saw people who looked a certain way. but i finally get it now. i feel much more confident in my a-spec identities and also i'm much more comfortable getting ~That Specific Feeling~ about people, cause i understand what it is and don't have to question what it means about who i am as a person and do i really even know myself and what if- just a whole shitshow. it's great. really

Realizing you can like people aesthetically without it dictating your sexuality is so liberating tbh. Like, one can adore, even be obsessed with, the looks of someone of the same sex and still be straight. One can find people beautiful, and handsome, and fascinating, and still be asexual. I can like the physical appearance of someone of the opposite sex and still be gay. Finding physical beauty in people doesn't equal to being physically, or sexually, or romantically attracted to them. Human beauty isn't inherently sexual. Just wanted to put it out there.

[sad-leon]

Happy Asexual day :D

[turtleblogatlast]

Don’t think I ever quite said what my LGBTQ+ headcanons are for the boys, so these are my current thoughts! Always changing of course but this is what I feel most strongly right now.

[scretladyspider]

Let’s talk about what demisexuality is not.

First off: what is demisexuality? We have to establish what it is to talk about what it isn’t.

‘demisexuality’ describes not experiencing sexual attraction until a close bond is formed. This doesn’t mean demis are attracted to everyone we bond with, and we can have differing desires towards sex. Demisexuals may or may not be demiromantic — they’re not one and the same.

While demisexuals can also be demiromantic, this isn’t true as a rule. Just like being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aromantic. It’s possible to be both, nothing wrong with that — but they’re not inherently synonymous.

*For some people who are aroace, include demi aroaces, their sexual and romantic orientations are deeply intertwined and there isn’t a big difference between the two. Other people use the split attraction model, which recognizes a difference in sexual and romantic orientations.

Many people think that “everyone is demisexual” because they read the definition and say “oh, that’s just being normal”. They’re confusing not experiencing sexual at ALL with waiting until a relationship is serious to have sex.

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. The thing people confuse it with is a decision regarding sexual behavior that can be made regardless of orientation— the decision to wait to have sex until you’re emotionally close. That decision can be made by anyone, demisexual or not.

Often people read the definition and say “I’m demisexual, I wait to have sex until it’s not just sex. I want emotional fulfillment too.” When it’s explained that demisexuals rarely have sexual attraction and only under certain conditions does it occur, one of two things happens:

they misunderstand and assume that demisexuals are also experiencing sexual attraction without the bond and just not acting on it, or

they begin to understand that there’s a difference between sexual attraction and action.

More often than not it’s the former.

It’s interesting that this misunderstanding happens when demisexuality is described because allosexuals (people who aren’t ace) abstain from sex all the time but still feel sexual attraction. There’s this underlying assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction.

But… just imagine that feeling of not being attracted and expand it. It’s doubtful that you experience sexual attraction to every person you see is physically attractive. Just expand that and there you go. Or imagine it like not seeing a particular color until you suddenly can.

Demisexuals aren’t all cisgender and heteroromantic. But there’s nothing wrong with demis who are! If ace isn’t enough for you to respect someone is LGBTQIA+, you don’t understand or accept asexuality or the orientations under its spectrum.

Demisexuality is NOT “just being a woman”. Demisexuality also isn’t “the patriarchy convinced young girls not having casual sex was a sexuality”.

There’s so much wrong with both of these, and they tie together, so I put them together here. Not only does this thinking see cis women and feminine people as being inherently “more” asexual, it robs allos and aces alike of bodily autonomy towards sex and sexuality. It bleeds out from conservative Christianity — it’s the same ideas that lead us to abstinence only sex “education” and that women must be sexually available at all times or their husband will cheat to “get his needs met”. Saying that cis women & feminine people are just all demisexual or ace removes the bodily autonomy of those who want sex and those who don’t by assigning a culturally acceptable narrative as more important than lived experience. But sexuality isn’t limited by cisheterosexism.

The truth is there are still a lot of people learning they’re under the asexual umbrella as educators and advocacy groups get education out there, and even in queer spaces asexuality isn’t always accepted, let alone its spectrum. A lot of people don’t even know it’s an option!

In addition, and partially because of, tropes like this, asexuality and everything under it are considered more “feminine”. Sex is seen as a symbol of status and depending on your gender and presentation, that status gets lowered or raised depending on the number of partners had.

Cis men and masculine aces exist, and also have to contend with cultural pressures to “perform” sexually, whether they want to or not. Erasing these experiences doesn’t help further acceptance towards asexuality or just sexuality in general.

And! Cis women and feminine people can have and enjoy casual sex! Others don’t but still experience sexual attraction regularly. Being allosexual isn’t limited to the masculine. Libido can also exist without sexual attraction. Human sexuality is just not as narrow as you think.

That’s where I’ll leave this one. Remember, it’s okay to be demisexual. It’s not okay to dunk on a group of people you didn’t bother to try to understand. Keep an open mind. There’s room at the table for learning, not bigotry.

[iheartbookbran]

i cackled before the season came out and everyone was freaking out about the brothel scenes because they wanted demi!Colin and now the possibility was lost forever, when it was precisely the brothel scenes (+ the diary bit) which cemented demi!Colin to canon prosperity!

[aceatbeingace]

Kinda curious as to if people prefer to use the umbrella terms or not. Personally I tend to use umbrella terms (for me just ace) out of total laziness since explaining all the time is beyond tedious for me 🙃

[poetessmuse]

The song “We’ll Never Have Sex” shouldn’t be making me feel as sick to my stomach as it does.

Something about being loved so deeply, so purely that sex simply doesn’t matter. It’s good if it happens, it’s good if it doesn’t. Being comfortable enough to express your feelings and say “No” without the anxiety rotting your brain away that your partner will “find better” or simply leave, is something I will forever crave.

Sexuality and libido are so complex and so confusing. I’m either completely repulsed or completely into it and I crave someone who understands. I crave romantic gestures that are given to me with no… hidden motive or meaning?

Being kissed just because they want to kiss me. Being held just because they want to hold me. Taking a bath together to take a bath together and be skin to skin close, connecting with one another after a tiring weak and just being loved and loving.

“Depollute me, pretty baby”

Depollute me.

[stevesbipanic]

Steve had never given sexuality much thought until he met Robin.

He didn't have many crushes growing up, in fact he could count the on one hand.

First there was Sara Flint, Steve was twelve and they were lab partners all year, three times a week he and Sara would joke around in class. On the last day he realised this was those butterflies his friends always talked about, but by then it was too late, all he got was a kiss on the cheek and that summer the Flints left town.

It was another four years before his next one, Nancy Wheeler. Four years never finding those butterflies again, Tommy cycled through girlfriends like a rolodex until he finally landed on Carol. Sure they had been girls who kissed him at parties but they felt hollow and boring. There was even that kiss he and Tommy shared last year to "check if they were gay just in case" but he felt nothing there either.

But Nancy, Nancy turned caterpillars into butterflies inside him. She was smart and beautiful and kind. They had met when he'd been told he was going to fail chemistry if he didn't pick up his grade. He'd gotten Nancy's number as a possible tutor for extra credit. Two weekdays and every weekend they'd either be at Steve's dining table or down at the library studying. Steve passed his test and butterflies grew inside him when Nancy hugged him in congratulations. This time Steve wasn't too late, but that Halloween made him wish he was.

Steve hoped it would be another four years before the butterflies returned but the following summer brought, Robin Buckley. Robin had been different, they hadn't gotten on at first, but after Steve told off a jock for touching her she allowed him to be closer. They weren't friends but they had jokes and banter. Then the Russians pulled Robin into Steve's orbit in a place he never wanted her to be, the butterflies grew but he would've taken the blows despite them. Sitting in that bathroom with Robin he allowed the butterflies to stay but recognised them more as moths drawn to the light that was a best friend.

Steve had never given sexuality much thought until he met Robin. He assumed he was straight, I mean he had to be right? Sure he didn't feel the same way about everything his old friends talked about but he had liked girls before and he'd never liked boys.

Robin taught him a lot of her limited knowledge of the subject, they were still small town teens after all. So yeah, of course he was straight.

Steve was straight until he wasn't, until he met Eddie. Eddie who pulled the attention of his kids and brought smiles to their faces. Eddie who was loud and bright even when faced with the horrors of another world. Eddie who kept smiling through pain and smiled at Steve in the hospital room. Eddie who took him on drives when nightmares couldn't be chased away. Eddie who remembered things about Steve and asked him questions about his day. Eddie who hugged Robin in understanding bring Steve's best friend an ally in a world he couldn't get. Eddie who would do anything for the ones he loved.

Steve who was straight and didn't understand why people seemed to go on dates with people they just met. Steve who was straight and had only ever liked girls. Steve who was straight and loved Robin more than anything.

Steve who was straight until he felt butterflies grow inside him for a fourth time.

Steve who was straight until he met Eddie.

Steve who was straight until he realised he would've loved Eddie whether he was a guy or not.

Steve who wasn't really straight and loved Eddie because he was Eddie, who knew that loving Eddie was as simple as breathing.

Steve who wasn't really straight because loving Eddie was inevitable, written in the stars, a love that had been waiting all along.

Steve who wasn't really straight but didn't need a label to know that he loved Eddie, and for him that was enough.

[scretladyspider]

Demisexuality exists under the asexuality spectrum because it describes an experience of rare, conditional sexual attraction which only occurs under the circumstances of a close bond. While it’s true many people don’t know they’re demisexual, not everyone is demisexual.

((btw if you like this please reblog this crowdfunding post!!! It’s time sensitive. please and thank you!))

Asexuality, under which demisexuality is housed, describes an experience of little to no sexual attraction. Aces (short for the asexuality spectrum, also abbreviated as acespec) may or may not be aromantic - meaning they may or may not experience little to no romantic attraction. Allosexual means someone isn’t ace, and alloromantic means someone isn’t aro (similar shorthand for aromantic spectrum, also abbreviated as arospec). Here when I say “allo(s)” I will be referring to example persons who are both alloromantic and allosexual.

Demisexuals don’t have sexual attraction at all to anyone without a close bond. It is also only felt towards that person because of the circumstances required to experience sexual attraction. The sexual attraction here doesn’t happen outside of these conditions.

This isn’t the same as experiencing sexual attraction regularly (as an allosexual, not ace, person) but choosing not to act on it before emotional trust is established. Sexual attraction and action can be intertwined, but they don’t have to be.

People always think “sexual attraction and action aren’t the same” is about asexuality and sex favorable aces— and it absolutely can be. But I think most of the time it applies to allosexuals, who don’t act on most sexual attraction they experience, as it’s part of everyday life. I think this is why so many allos don’t understand that demisexuals truly don’t experience sexual attraction at all to anyone until a close bond, if then. They see “oh, that person, like me, waited to have sex until there was trust. Sexual attraction here must mean having sex.”

For the demisexual, sexual attraction is a new, distinct experience, as it only occurs under a specific bond. If a demi is alloromantic and attraction forms towards a romantic partner, it may appear that the act of sex is tied to romantic love, or ‘waiting for the right person’.

This ‘proves’ to the allo, who doesn’t understand that the demisexual didn’t have sexual attraction at all before a bond with the person in question, that demisexuality is about waiting for the right person, but experiencing sexual attraction regularly, as they do. The allo is also assuming the demisexual “just needed to meet the right person”. But the demisexual is only experiencing sexual attraction to the person in question, and not in the everyday manner that the allo is describing in their dismissal of demisexuality. Here the allo is projecting their own experience of waiting to have sex onto what the demisexual is trying so hard to describe. The allo ironically believes action and attraction must be linked, and simultaneously that everyone has sexual attraction (is allosexual).

The reason has to do with allonormativity, amatanormativity, and compulsory sexuality. Both the demi and the allo have been taught that everyone has romantic and sexual attraction, that whether it’s okay to have casual sex is gendered, and that most people don’t have casual sex. To the allo outside looking in, there isn’t any need to differentiate the experience when sex is finally had, because they were just waiting to be in love to have sex. The demisexual isn’t different from them in any way whatsoever in this view because everyone has sexual attraction they don’t act on.

This misunderstanding is also often gendered, specifically in a way that’s cisheterosexist and that reflects ideas of purity culture - namely that all women* wait to have sex and don’t really want or enjoy it, all men* need sex, and that women exist to provide sexual pleasure. (*men and *women are used here to demonstrate the false idea where gender can only align with sex designated at birth. This ignores that presentation doesn’t equal gender and that trans and nonbinary people do exist. This transphobia is common with those who dismiss asexuality).

Asexuality and demisexuality also force the allo to consider that some people they find attractive will never feel the same way, which is a painful ego blow, as part of allonormativity is that someone’s worth is tied to whether they are sexually attractive to other people.

These misunderstandings are a result of not wanting to challenge that internal status quo. People will do anything to keep from being uncomfortable, even if it’s hurting them. But these misunderstandings don’t erase the spectrum of asexuality, or that demisexuals exist within it.

There are people who will never experience sexual attraction. There are people who don’t experience sexual attraction at all unless they form a particular close bond with another person. It’s not about allos, and many allos get very offended about that. But being ace, no matter if sexual attraction is ever felt, or if the ace is favorable towards participating in sex, is not about allos. It’s just not. Being ace is a fundamentally different way of experiencing and interacting with a world in which sexual attraction is expected.

This doesn’t mean that waiting to have sex is wrong. This is to say that there is a fundamental difference in waiting to have sex and not experiencing sexual attraction except under a select circumstance, and then only experiencing it in that limited way. Asexuality and everything housed with in it, including demisexuality, will challenge how you think about sex and sexual attraction. That will not be comfortable. But consider that it’s not about you. Because if everyone were demisexual, we would live in a very different world.

[darkfictionjude]

Honestly Im starting to be thinkin crowny is set to default as demisexual 😭

some people might branch out as not and some might stay with the default setting

Uh no they’re not where the heck did you get that from💀

Not having a life that has opened your mind to thinking about sex ≠ demisexual

[prince-liest]

Don't mind me getting on my soapbox for a moment... a lot of this musing is admittedly for the sake of my own processing of this topic, re: aroaceness. Read at your own peril! <3

I'm generally a very "ship and let ship" kind of person, but I think I would definitely append a little caveat of, like, "As long as you're not being actively invalidating and detrimental to others" to that. Which is a delightfully vague statement that can be interpreted practically any way, I know, hahaha.

In the case of this particular post I've just been thinking about how, like... seeing an aroace character like Alastor get written into dozens upon dozens of PWPs (including ones that don't even touch on the subject of his aceness at all) is really not something that I personally find to be hurtful or offensive. It's just smut for the sake of smut, of a character people want to see awful, sexy things done to (or doing). Valid! I vibe with you! More people should just write the PWPs they want to see in the world!

But on the other hand, I've several times seen this very particular type of art (usually it's a comic, but admittedly I haven't been reading very many Hazbin Hotel fics so maybe it's there, too) where Alastor is slotted into the "methinks the lady doth protest too much" trope. As in, he's expressing strong feelings about a character (usually Vox or Lucifer, sometimes Angel Dust) to someone, probably Rosie, and the person he's confiding to is some variant of, "Oh, silly Alastor, you're obviously in love!" And then he denies it, says that the very idea disgusts him, and the character titters to themselves about how he's so naive in the matters of romance or whatever.

And it's, like.

The "strong feelings" in question are almost always frustration/annoyance/disgust, and him being like, "Nnnno, I just hate his person" is treated like a silly and naive misunderstanding of his own feelings because obviously he's in love. Please imagine that Alastor was a female character who was established to be a lesbian. Now examine how that suddenly makes this scene feel.

(Also, Rosie being the go-to for this is a little frustrating when she's the one who, in canon, explicitly says that she wouldn't make that assumption of him.)

There's such a chasm of difference between how I see people wanting to ship Alastor for reasons of "I just want to!" vs folks who engage with him being aroace in ways that are infantilizing and invalidating. There are so many people out there - not just aro/ace people, but anyone who's not exclusively into the standard type of person they should be into at the time society deems they should be into them, which is most queer people and even many cishet folks - that have been told that exact kind of thing in real life. It reads like something out of a compulsory heterosexuality guidebook, and it actively makes it harder to leave the closet or even realize that you're in one at all.

So I guess it just feels frustrating to see it get made into a punchline, especially by folks who are shipping queer ships. I genuinely can't wait until fandom society advances to the point of consistently treating aro/acespec folks as queer instead of Queer Lite (TM), because let me tell you, ime the comphet experience and the amato/allonormativity experience are in fact nigh-identical except for how they're treated within online communities. There's a reason the pan -> gay -> ace pipeline is a thing.

But, hey! We're already doing way better than we were in 2012!

[askthebadkidz]

some of you are just saying you headcannon Riz as Demi-romantic and Demi-sexual because you want to ignore that he’s aroace while pretending that you’re not ignoring that he’s aroace and it’s painfully obvious to actual aroace people.

-mod Riz