#definitely theraputic

[2aceofspades]

Tired and Blue

Needed a break from ~thinking~ and just feel

[trustherkindheart]

I love women's discus. Buff ass women hurtling heavy shit insane distances, spinning in goofy circles (affectionate) and screaming as loud as they can. What more could you ask for

[cxpperhead]

🍈 - How do they calm down when they are upset? Would they act differently trying to calm down in a group setting versus all alone?

Random Headcanons

Meditation is one method Copperhead usually finds himself falling back on whenever he wishes to calm down? Settling himself into a comfortable position, contorting his body in ways other people would think must hurt is what works for him, maintaining complicated positions while letting his mind drift. His breathing slows to a crawl, heart beating just a few times a minute for as long as he's in this state and it goes a long way in helping him regain control, especially after a bad lapse or stressful period where he feels control slipping. In a group setting, this would be much harder. In such a situation, Copperhead would sooner pull away, find a dark corner in which to to brood for a while. He's not the type to open up and talk about his feelings, preferring very much to remain solitary and it's hard for anybody to know whether or not he's upset, his face showing so little expression compared to most other people. The only outward signs of being upset Copperhead might show is his hood flaring, the tip of his tail ratting so hard his scales make audible sound. If Copperhead can, he'll disassociate from the situation altogether, soothing himself with gestures such as digging his claws into his palms or coiling up into himself.

[strawberriesoup]

lollipop٠࣪⭑

── .✦ You make a deal with Jisung.

word count: 2.1k

genre: fluff, skater!jisung x female reader, friends to lovers, neighbor au

warnings: cursing, reader is kind of a brat, kissing, borderline making out, much fluff

taglist: @jisunggy

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Maybe this deal wasn’t such a good idea.

Your most recent obsession, Stardew Valley, had you begging Jisung to play just one game with you. planning to bug him into submission, you would bring up the game every chance you got. After about a week, he finally relented and agreed to play with you. On one condition. You had to let him teach you a trick on that goddamn skateboard of yours.

You from this morning had agreed. You from this morning was an idiot.

Now, you’re sweating your ass off on a dingy green park bench in the middle of July, chugging what little water you have left out of your regrettably small bottle. It had been what, three hours now? And you just couldn’t get the damned trick down. If you have to hear the words, “One more time! You were so close!” again, you might commit a war crime. The plastic of the bottle crinkles as you crush it and toss it towards the nearest trash can. You miss.

In an attempt to get Jisung’s attention, you sprawl your limbs obnoxiously over the length of the bench.

“You’re trying to kill me.” You groan, theatrically draping an arm over your face, “Your sick games won’t work forever.”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a whiner you would get the hang of it faster.” Jisung suggests helpfully as he successfully throws your bottle in the trash and takes a seat next to you, shoving your leg out of the way to make room. He’s sweaty as well, and proceeds to take over any space that is left on bench.

You are most definitely not thinking about how you would love to devour him whole right now. No, that would be silly.

Five years ago, Jisung moved into the neighborhood. Both of you being in freshman year of high school, it started with you two carpooling to school. Which turned into doing homework on the weekends. Which resulted in the two of you being permanently attached at the hip.

And the whole time, you’ve had the biggest, juiciest crush on him.

That little smirk when you’re teasing him? Smitten. When he raises his arms and you can see a sliver of that waist beneath the folds of his hoodie? Good lord. And don’t even get you started on his habit of running his hand through his hair.

But of course, you’re too much of a chicken to actually tell him about it. Besides, he probably doesn’t even like you like that, and you’re not about to make a fool out of yourself to find out.

“Well excuse me for not particularly enjoying having heatstroke. I’m done.”

Arms crossed, you challenge him to say something. Unfortunately, he’s gotten pretty good at dealing with your shit over the years.

In favor of a response, a pointed look is sent by Jisung, one eyebrow raised along with a just barely suppressed smile coloring his features. A bead of sweat rolls down the left side of his flushed face, suggesting that he’s probably just as warm and uncomfortable as you and he’s not complaining. Whatever. You’re still going to bitch about it.

“But you were almost there, I swear! Just one more time, pleasee?” Jisung pleads, widening his eyes and sticking out his lower lip. Not this tactic again. You hate it when he does that. He knows you can’t say no. It’s an unfair advantage.

Skateboarding with Jisung had been a nearly daily exhibition for around a year and a half now. Well, you say “skateboarding” but it really just consists of you riding to and from the convenience store at the end of the block every couple of days. Which you manage to do without falling over, thank you very much. Jisung was just a natural at it, always had been. You were, quite frankly, not.

You had never attempted a trick, content with simply watching Jisung in his element. There’s something theraputic about watching a master of their craft in action. Also you were scared of falling and breaking an arm again.

Fine. Fine. You’ll try one more time.

“Okay, one more time. But this is the last try, or I swear to God I’m going to feed your hamster to Bagel.”

Jisung grips the front of his shirt in mock offense at the threat, his gasps of, “You monster!” trailing you as you stomp off with your skateboard onto the open pavement.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

“Now remember, left foot on the back edge…”

A small breeze had started to pick up, alleviating some of your discomfort. The surrounding air was less stifling now, the wind bringing the scent of freshly cut grass to your senses.

What was this trick called again? A strawberry milkshake? It was one of the “easier” tricks, according to Jisung. If by “easy” he meant that it’s the mental equivalent to stepping on a lego, he was right on. This shit is hard.

The firm hold that Jisung’s hand currently has on your waist makes it even harder. He’s really not helping you focus on the task at hand.

With a deep breath, both in preparation for the trick and to quiet down the rushing of blood in your ears, you repeat the same motion you had been working on for the better portion of the afternoon.

Front foot off. Wrap around. Land.

By Jisung’s reaction, you would think you had won the lottery. He’s pumping both fists in the air and shouting, completely beside himself. You landed it! You really did!

You then proceed to wipe out on the pavement.

Yeah, that checks out.

As you’re brushing the fall from your pants, you are nearly bowled over by Jisung, who sweeps you up and spins you around in a tight hug. The rush of the breeze around you has you laughing breathlessly, holding on to him for dear life.

“Yes! Holy shit, see? I knew you could do it! That was awesome!” He sets you down, looking at you with beams of pride spilling from his crinkled eyes and heart-shaped smile.

“I did it! I finally did it!” You squeal, the adrenaline and genuine excitement of the moment taking control of your body as you bounce up and down, gripping his fingers as you do so.

The grin Jisung gives you is bright enough to light up even the darkest corners of the world, you’re sure of it. You want to keep him in your hands forever and never let go.

But, you do. After a minute of joint celebration, you inform him that you’re going to sit down for a minute to catch your breath.

Finding a nearby tree, you settle beneath its branches, eyes adjusting to the newfound shade. The grass is cool beneath your palms, calming your sun-kissed skin.

As you watch Jisung continue to skate you’re reminded of just how good at this he is. He navigates his skateboard like it’s as simple as walking, every one of his tricks are landed with precision and ease. His habit of biting his lower lip in concentration anytime he performs an air is doing nothing for your sanity though.

Your crippling sweet tooth prods at you, so you decide to reward yourself. Rustling through your bag, you pull out a lollipop, popping it into your mouth. Its tart sweetness bathes your tongue, and you cross your legs, humming contentedly as you resume your attention on Jisung.

After about ten more minutes, he’s jogging over to you with his skateboard in hand. Your heart noticeably picks up its pace. Stop that. Calm down.

Taking a seat next to you, Jisung runs his hand through his sweat-damp hair, one arm supporting his weight and the other coming to rest on his knee. He looks ethereal, skin glowing with the gentle brush of light falling from the tree above.

Then, without so much as a “hello”, the lollipop is yanked from your hand and held out of your grasp.

“Jisung, are you serious? Give it back!” You shout in exasperation at the loss of your sugar source. Is he seven years old? Who does that?

“Nuh-uh, what’s the magic word?” He stretches his arm away as you basically tackle him, reaching vainly for the candy.

“I’m not the one who should be saying please here!”

You have an idea. Grabbing the front of his shirt, you pull him towards you. This is definitely the dumbest thing you’ve done all week. But it’s too late now. You can see his eyes fly wide, trying to process the situation as you plant a kiss right on his lips. He’s soft. And warm.

When you pull away, you take the opportunity to snatch the candy back from Jisung’s now limp hand. Popping the sucker back into your mouth, you grin at him smugly. It worked.

Jisung sits there, unmoving. Lips slightly parted, he stares at you, his gaze shifting from your eyes, fluttering down to your lips, and back again. Shit, was that a bad idea? That was a bad idea. You probably should have asked first. What the fuck were you thinking?

Before you could blurt out any sort of apology, he’s grabbing your hand and the candy is pulled from your lips with a pop. It falls onto the cool grass below.

A shaking hand slots underneath your chin with barely suppressed eagerness and he pulls you to him, capturing your lips in a proper kiss. The heat from his body and the sweep of his breath over you are all-consuming. blocking out the world, save for him.

This. Him. Everything about it just feels… easy. Natural. The way he cradles your jaw firmly, but with a careful gentleness that is entirely and solely Jisung. The way his free hand drapes down your side, coming to rest on top of your hip. The way his lips move in perfect harmony with yours.

The tree’s rough bark presses against your back as he leads you backwards, the sweetness of the lollipop being traded between your mouths. A flame starts to burn in your chest, spreading like wildfire until your whole body is alight with the flicker of butterfly wings.

Drawing away to look at you, Jisung runs his tongue over his glistening lips.

He’s holding himself back. He wants nothing more than to consume you, your essence, everything. He wants to show you how much he cares. He also wants to suck every last drop of sweetness from your lips. But he won’t. Not yet. Not until he knows you want it as much as he does. But, God, you drive him crazy. His eyebrows pinch and he shakes his head, trying to clear it.

You feel the loss of his ministrations on you like a load of bricks. Wrapping a hand around the back of his head, you pull him onto you once more, wanting -no- needing more of him. He needs more of you too, as is evident by the way his hands tighten and by his quiet gasp of breath when you oh-so gently nip his lower lip, teasing him.

This time, you’re the one to pull away, giggling awkwardly as he squeezes his eyes shut, clearly attempting to pull himself together.

Peeking at you, he finally makes eyes contact, feeling the need to say something, anything.

“Wow…” Is all he manages out, and your giggles morph into full on laughter. You make a kissy face at him which earns you a shove to your shoulder, and Jisungs ears turning a bright red.

“Hey! Don’t make fun of me!” he complains, bringing out that pout of his again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” you say, patting his shoulder, “you’re just such a dork.”

With your side of the deal completed, it’s his turn to pay up. With the steadily setting sun lighting your way, Jisung accompanies you to your house after the silent agreement to play games now, sort out weird feelings later.

epilogue ─☆

As your game loads up, Jisung decides to sit on the couch as far away from you as possible, curling up and hunching over his respective screen. Occasionally, he glances up at you, looking like he just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Okay. What is he hiding.

You (with grace) crawl across the couch to him, taking a page from his book and snatching the switch from his hands. He yells and kicks you in protest, but not before you had seen his screen.

J.one J.one’s Farm

Day 9 of Winter, Year 3 124,196g

Hours Spent: 106

One hundred and six hours. Jisung had told you that he’d never heard of the game before, let alone played it, and had very begrudgingly agreed to humor you. This whole time he’d been playing it? Why didn’t he- oh.

Jisung looks up at you with a sheepish grin, having been caught in his little scheme.

“I just wanted you to skate with me- ow!” he exclaims, bringing up his hands in defense as you bonk him with the switch.

“Next time maybe just ask?”

“How would I have gotten my kiss then?”

[dreamerinthemoonlight]

Love and Deepspace Guys with an S/O that Craves Affection

Original Ask:

੭ ᐕ)੭*⁾⁾hii! i just wanted to say that i lov your works, especially the love and deepspace hcs, and i wanted to request the Love and deepspace boys with a reader who craves attention and love because they never got it from their family.

thxx have a wonderful dayy!

CW: none? Maybe hurt/comfort, gn!reader

A/N: hoenstly, this one was a little rougher to write. Not that I mind, but I'm fairly familiar with the feeling, and dredging up old BS is never fun. That said, I like imagining our boys in these kinds of situations. It's very theraputic

Requests are OPEN

Rafayel

Honestly, I think of the boys, he's the person who would have the hardest time

It's not that he's not affectionate, but part of his personality is that indirect, teasing method of communication

In this particular situation, I feel like you would need a very direct form of affection

I do think fish boy would be very willing to I've that affection, especially in a physical form. He seems like the sort who would really enjoy cuddles, but getting praise and affection directly is not going to be as easy

If you're direct about your needs, however, he will do his best. He doesn't want to alienate you and he really does want to give you the best he can

On the other hand, 100% expect him to give your family no respect whatsoever. Raf is totally willing to be rude and even more aloof than he is normally and he may very well not even give them the time of day

Your family wants to visit? Nah. He's just going to recommend a visit to the beach instead. If you are, somehow, on good terms with your parents he's going to take a lot of persuading to get into the same room, much less be cordial. Granted, it's hard enough to get him to consider a social engagement to start with, so that's not really a deviation from normal behavior

Xavier

Sweet, sweet, sleepy Xavi is the exact opposite of Raf. He is amazing at this, in part because affection comes very easy to him--at least after you get together

He is super fond of cuddles and time spent together and anything like that, so giving it is a natural extension of that

I will say, he's not as verbally expressive (it's kinda hard when he sleeps so much) but given that his favorite pillow is probably you, I think the point gets across quite well

The one downside is that sometimes you can be feeling particularly in need of attention and affection and well, he's asleep. Or at work. But probably asleep, so he's a bit unaware

Of course, he's totally down if you tuck yourself under his arm and cuddle anyway, but sometimes you need him awake

But he's fairly aware of this and insists that you communicate and wake him up if need be. And he will at least try to stay awake. No guarantees (I mean how the fuck does he manage to sleep standing up?), but he'll try

Zayne

Zayne is actually hard for me to peg, despite him being 100% my bias

For Zayne, action trumps words. He's a quiet person, but he's actually very demonstrative

He's also very cerebral about it and observant, so he may very well pick up on your need for attention and love before you're even aware of it yourself

He does research and definitely recommends therapy. He's well aware that it can be difficult to fulfill your needs because, well, overtime

He's a workaholic and that habit is hard to break, especially with his own issues and his care for his patients

That being said, when you're in the same place, expect a lot of affection

Whether it's holding hands, or a hand around your waist, or little things like taking care of your physical well being. He has this knack for making you feel seen and safe and cared for without verbally expressing his emotions

He also makes sure you know that if you need to call, you can. If he's free he'll never ignore you and get back to you as soon as possible

[everestgale]

Blink blink blink b

Can i ask what you think are some hobbies or just casual things the voices would enjoy?? if you don’t want to do all of them rn i would love to hear about skeptic’s (biased)

Ooooh, great question!!! Let me see:

For the purposes of it, I'm going to assume the "usual" scenario for my voices, which is typically some sort of post-Unknown Together ending world (so no Long Quiet). Some HCs are just entirely weird/vibes-based, so, uh, you've been warned!

Hero: Probably has the most random HCs of all my voices. For some reason, I tend to think of Hero as a writer and/or TTRPG enthusiast. He probably tried to DM a D&D campaign for his fellow voices. Regretted it after session 1 /hj

Stubborn: Not being super original here, Stubborn loves physical activity/fighting, but I also have a HC that Stubborn would enjoy occasional woodworking. He also self-appointed himself as Broken's personal coach, much to latter's annoyance.

Broken: My Broken has a mild case of chronic fatigue syndrome, and as a result, he prefers to stay indoors. I feel like he would enjoy origami and knitting/crocheting; he probably made himself a few scarves and sweaters.

Cold: He is an interesting one for me (he always is, such a conflicting character for me). I have a feeling on some days, he sees no point in "hobbies" and spends his time observing whatever other voices are doing with their lives instead. On others, he goes through about 18 different hobbies and odd jobs just to see if he finds anything that satisfies his curiosity. Whenever he does start a new hobby though, he is surprisingly good at it, a very fast learner... which is to his detriment because then he gets bored of it too quickly.

Paranoid: As the resident medic among the voices, Paranoid had to pick up gardening to grow some medicinal herbs. He initially hated it, but over time, he's actually grown to like it; it's quite theraputic. I think he would also enjoy realistic fiction or non-fiction reading.

Skeptic: I am convinced that Skeptic would be a linguistics nerd. Really into different languages and especially etymology. I think he would also enjoy journaling, specifically in shorthand (I stole that HC from a friend). No one else can ever read Skeptic's notes, and that's not even a joke-

That's all in addition to some occasional reading (especially mystery novels).

Smitten: Just like Paranoid is the resident medic, Smitten is the resident cook! And baker! And he is *very* good at what he does. He knows by heart everyone's favorite meals and desserts; he can make pretty much any dish if ingredients are available, and he can make a feast out of just potatoes (exaggerating, but not by much).

Yeah, the voices would all starve without Smitten /j

Opportunist: Oppy is a bit basic in terms of HCs and primarily enjoys some good card games. Even when he is not cheating, he is actually quite good at most of them, but of course, Opportunist knows very well how to sneak an ace or two if needed. I also think he would be a sort-of-collector (another HC stolen from a friend), specifically collecting small shiny objects like coins and jewelry.

Hunted: When he knows it is safe to be outdoors, Hunted just loves to spend time in nature. If not for his skittish nature, he would've loved anything camping. But as is, he enjoys bird watching and maybe photography. Please don't ask why photography, I've warned you that some of these are weird.

Cheated: Gamer Cheated is an inevitable HC for me: card games, board games, video games, anything, Cheated loves it all. Unfortunately, he is Cheated, and he very, very often loses. It is typical for him to play a game, lose badly multiple times, get pissed off at it, and swear to never play that game again. But then he plays it again two days later. For a more random HC, I feel like he would like either model kits or soldering.

Contrarian: He is definitely an artist, maybe a sculptor, and is actually, surprisingly, a really good artist. But only when he wants to be. And he pretty much never does, so he uses all his skill on intentionally terrible shitposts. Once a year or two, he will feel inspired and actually make an absolutely breathtaking masterpiece, before immediately returning to shitposts.

That should be all! These are not entirely set in stone either, it's more of my first instincts + silly memes, but it was still a lot of fun to think about! Thanks for asking!!!

[rottenpumpkin13]

I love how in majority of your posts, the boys are hanging out in Angeal's office like that's their spot

That's because Angeal's office usually smells like cinnamon and apple, probably due to a scented candle burning away at some corner. There's small plants and succulents by the window, as well as a miniature, green watering can with drawing of a frog Angeal painted when he was a child. He has a lollipop jar on his desk that he makes sure is always full, so that whoever comes in can grab one. There's an old jukebox tucked away in a corner that he got at the flea market in the slums. When there isn't much to do, you can hear rock music and indie folk tunes playing from his office. It's definitely the messiest office, but only because it's so lived in. There's a fluffy blanket on the worn, leather couch that's filled with pillows, as well as a hoodie Genesis left there three weeks ago. Sephiroth's favorite books are on the coffee table, as is a theraputic coloring book Angeal got him that Sephiroth insists he never uses. But Angeal keeps a box of colored pencils on top of it anyway, and never makes mention of the color slowly filling its pages. He's just glad Sephiroth is using it. Genesis got him an electric kettle he also keeps on the coffee table, right by a basket of different tea bags, each one catered to his friends' tastes. Of course there's a neat collection of mugs there too, including one Zack made for him during a pottery class. There's black tea for Gen, chamomile for Sephiroth, and anise tea for Zack (it calms his nerves). The shelves in his office are filled with colorful trinkets and action figures, the type he could never afford as a child. There's a conch shell Sephiroth got him from a mission to Costa a few months ago that he uses as a book stopper. There's a humidifier shaped like the full moon on his desk. It lights up in different colors, but he makes sure it's usually bright yellow because that's what makes him happy. Angeal never shuts his office door, preferring to keep it open at all times. He says it's easier for people to find him, and claims a shut door is unwelcoming.

So I guess the reason everyone flocks to Angeal's office is because it feels safe, like him.

[system-of-a-feather]

I’ll bite… why do you feel like endos are real? As they do claim to have a trauma disorder just without the trauma which to me seems pretty ableist or at least disrespectful to DID/OSDD systems.

(LONG POST WARNING)

Well to start, most aren't claiming to have a trauma disorder / DID / OSDD but rather that they experience themselves as more than one and I don't believe that DID / OSDD holds sole ownership to the ability to experience oneself as more than one. A lot of endogenic people knew about their experiences as more than one before really even knowing DID / OSDD existed (or at least past the stigma of "Multiple Personality Disorder" that has no implications to trauma because ya know). I think the term "endogenic" has implications that do a disservice to the group as it kind of implicates innately the idea that trauma is the only inherent way to exist and experience oneself as more than one, when honestly I firmly believe that is not the case.

As to why I firmly believe that it is not the case that trauma and DID/OSDD is not the only way to experience oneself as more than one, there are a number of perspectives I can offer.

From a discussion of the theory of structural dissociation (ToSD) / academic stand point...

the ToSD is not a "Theory" like Gravity and Evolution. The name is actually misleading as it is using Theory in a more colloquial sense; the ToSD when talked about in almost all literature that I've read that references it talks about it as a >model<. The difference between a theory and a model is large.

A theory is something that is constantly and reliably able to be a solid means of not only understanding the world but also predicting large phenomenon. There have been multiple active attempts to disprove it or find flaws in it and none of which have worked. They're age old and have been proven day in and day out to have reliably accounted for every form of discrepancy - at least on a majorly applicable level (as even Gravity seems to have its confusing mishaps when you get to the very high level stuff that I won't even pretend to understand in the slightest as I'm not a physicist).

A model on the other hand is something that is used to best understand, navigate, and conceptualize a concept - often for more practical usage. A model is designed to usually specifically target a specific definition of a phenomenon and experience - and in this case "the dissociation of self of individuals who have experienced trauma and how that causes the phenomenon of alters and dissociated parts". It is not making claims about "the only way for people to experience themselves as more than one" because 1) models don't really intend to be fool proof, they attempt to practically explain and describe an experience in a way that is helpful to apply practically (ie in theraputic practice); by this very nature, the models are suggesting a base framework that often apply and help people who match the specific definition of the phenomenon it is meant to address (ie clients that have gone through trauma and likely have dissociated parts) and 2) the theory is addressing individuals who experience themselves as more than one due to a history of trauma and how that trauma then results in the brain dissociating from itself for survival. It is NOT addressing "all of humanity and human experiences and psychological experiences" - it is just discussing how trauma affects the brain to develop alters. The two discussions and topics are very different and in an academic setting have EXTREMELY different requirements.

Additionally, an issue with the ToSD is that while its a great model for people who have DID/OSDD, it's a laughable theory and hypothesis in most psychological fields that are a lot more into more solid and quantifiable measures. I've actually talked with one of the people that had done research that basically paved the way for children's testimonies of CSA to be taken seriously and accepted in court about the ToSD and they poorly withheld a laugh on the topic. Same said person had actually talked and known either Van Der Hart or Van Der Kolk (they didn't remember which one exactly) and all that. What I got from the conversation with them was that, yes the ToSD works beautifully as a clinical model and it helps a lot of clinicians understand and help people with DID/OSDD navigate their experiences, but the ToSD in a non-clinical academic setting makes SO many assumptions that are absolutely not backed by current more "harder" psychological research that its funny.

There is a LONG list of issues with the assumptions ToSD makes on an academic setting that make it a joke to those on a more non-clinical academic setting but here are a few:

What the FUCK is a "dissociative barrier"? Yes on a clinical sense we know what that is, but where is a "dissociative barrier" in terms of neurology and neurobiology? What functions in memory (both theoretical and physical) actually work to be a "dissociative barrier"? What mechanisms in the brain make it possible? What is a dissociative barrier in terms of developmental psychology and developmeental psychopathology? How is it that trauma manages to "make a dissociative barrier" in children? What concepts of developmental psychology and memory / identity development actually are in play to make this "dissociative barrier"?

Do people even have consciousness - or - more realistically asked, are people actually conscious or do we just feel as if we are conscious? (<- very hot topic in consciousness research in more neuroscience based fields) And assuming we DO have a consciousness, what and where is that located and how does consciousness work on a physiological level in a typically developing child as opposed to a person who experienced trauma? Assuming THAT is figured out, how do we know that that trauma is the only thing that could have caused the consciousness to develop atypically? Additionally, ask all those questions AGAIN for the concept and idea of "identity" as consciousness and identity are two different research topics. Assuming that we DO NOT have a consciousness, how does the false experience of consciousness work and why do we experience it like that? Following from that, why is it that trauma can disrupt and warp that false experience? Additionally, how does it disrupt and warp that false experience? And again, how do we know that trauma is the only thing that can cause that disruption / warping to occur?

My FAVORITE and most frustrating one, but how do we even know we ACTUALLY forget things and what is the mechanism for forgetting things? What IS forgetting? Do we loose neuronal pathways when we forget and is the information truly just gone? Do we just struggle to find the information and thus we fail to recall the information? Then again, all the obvious "okay then how does this mechanism of forgetting get disrupted and warped by trauma".

(added this while writing the third perspective but) How does the modern development and factor of internet usage affect dissociation and any of these mechanisms of developing identity, self, consciousness, memory, etc? How does this new factor impact other neurodivergencies and mental health conditions in regards to that?

None of those questions are well addressed to a standard of research that most non-clinical fields consider ANYWHERE near valid or qualified to make any level of generalizing statements.

I personally largely identify and intend to go into research for developmental psychology / psychopathology after I sort things out in my life some and I LOVE these questions. I have a lot of my own hypothesis as to how those questions are answered and my hypothesis on how those mechanisms are disrupted / develop in children who experience trauma have me almost 100% certain that there are other mechanisms to developing dissociated states of self.

Of course, I'm withholding that from this portion of the discussion because those hypothesises are not founded and again, just sitting in my head rent free until I get to actually research them myself. (Which I do entirely plan to do when I figure my life out more)

From a cultural / spiritual / philosophical standpoint...

The claim that everyone normally experiences themselves as "one" unless trauma occurs seems really honestly White / Western / Christian-centric to me and the idea that the only way to experience themselves as anything other than "the normal experience and development of one person" is to have horrible trauma just... really leaves a shitty taste in my mouth as a person of color.

A large number of non-white non-christian/catholoic centered cultures that have a large emphasis on "the singular soul and repentance" and all that shit have cultural norms and beliefs that already state that it is not weird at all to experience yourself as more than one. As in, there are cultures that ALREADY experience themselves as more than one that have been doing so for AGES before DID/OSDD and hell even MPD were even suggested; ages before the field of psychology was even born.

I personally have a large problem with the claim that people have to have trauma to experience themselves as more than one as it comes off as a very colonizer perspective to experiences that do not inherently have any harm in them (ie experiencing oneself as more than one). Experiencing oneself as more than one (or I guess technically less than one) is something that can be pretty central to a lot of non-white/western cultural experiences and are just an innate part of how they live and life. To state that the only way people can have their culture is to be traumatized (which is the indirect claim being made when the claim that the only way to experience oneself as more than one is through trauma) is just... really disgusting and white-colonizer brained.

Personally, as a Buddhist, I inherently don't subscribe to the idea that there even is a "me" and a "you". I inherently believe that the concept of "being one person" is a means of suffering that people benefit from unlearning as the concept of identity and self does little more than restrict our natural means of existing and thus causes large suffering. As a result, I don't see myself or anyone else as "more or less" than one because the concept, in my spiritual-philosophical-cultural perspective, is not real and anything reinforcing it is not really dpoing anyone huge favors. As a result, I think everyone is everything and everyone is parts of a whole of everything. I think we experience ourselves as one because that is part of the natural expression of our existence. I also think we experience ourselves as more than one because - sometimes - that is just a natural expression of our existence. I ALSO think we experience ourselves as more than one because sometimes that is a good way to understand our natural selves and learn from the parts we are otherwise more disconnected from. A part of Buddhist practice is the dismantling of this concept of self and moving your perception of self away from the way you experience life and the world.

At the place where I am in my practice, the very essence of syscourse is really kind of silly to me because it's like arguing about the color of the blue-black / white-gold dress. Talking and debating it and investigating the question can lead good insights into our experiences and how we approach them, but in the end of the day, the thing we are discussing is an illusion and the effects it has on us and why we see it that way and its not really something any more important or impactful or worth sweating over than a fun thought experiment.

From an advocate standpoint...

A large part of the people who are endogenic are people who are also neurodivergent and/or experiencing notable mental health issues - those of which are not fully 100% investigated into how they affect the development of large topics like self, memory, etc. AND are very diverse and complex experiences. I don't think we should be telling someone who thinks that their experiences of being more than one is tied to their neurodivergency or other mental health conditions that they are wrong and should experience themselves differently - especially since dissociation is honestly pretty prominent in the AuDHD branch of disorders and I personally think it is hard to conclusively say that some level of experiencing oneself as more than one is related to having AuDHD. (not saying that it is either, just that its such a large topic that needs more exploration before I'd feel confident saying that AuDHD doesn't cause some form of experiences that one might experience as being more than one).

I personally see very little purpose and value within infighting of mentally ill groups and clusters when almost every disorder needs more research - particularly in a lens that is not white-western centered and interested in a more sociological / cultural lens.

I find no threat in people experiencing themselves as more than one as someone who has DID / OSDD anymore than I feel threat at otherkin for experiencing themselves as a non-human as someone who acts, lives, and behaves like a bird because of trauma and because I was largely raised by birds (and arguably because I'm autistic but thats one of those things you can't 100% be sure I would have been like without trauma). The reason I am "basically a bird" is entirely due the circumstance of my trauma and how I was raised and that certainly sucks (though I do enjoy it and find it a beneficial part of my life), but that doesn't mean that I don't share some experiences with people that identify as a bird for fun, for cultural reasons, for spiritual reasons, or due to another neurodivergency

Just generally speaking...

I love to see people expressing themselves in unique ways and honestly specifically in ways that do not conform to "normal" society. I think its really cool and neat that people express themselves how they like and express themselves in ways that challenge pointless and/or unnecessary social rules and norms and I believe the norm of being a "consistent singular individual in society" and just general individualism is honestly just such an unnecessary social norm.

This isn't really one of my large points because I say this with a lot less of a firm and full chest cause I do draw a line with the transID stuff (no I will not be taking discourse on that) but like.. generally speaking, I really love to see the dismantling of the concept that people have to be a "consistent singular individual" around me. For a number of reasons - all three main ones off the top of my head being my views as a person with opinions on academic-research regarding the topic, as a POC Buddhist, and as someone who just would like to stand in solidarity to all mental-oddities - I think it is a really important and productive thing to see the social norm of individuality to be changed from a "norm" to one of my options.

I think a large issue people have with endogenics and what not is that they're "cringe" or "making people with DID/OSDD look like jokes" and while thats a valid feeling to have and people with DID/OSDD aren't "wrong" for feeling that way, I think its largely a miss directed feeling that follows the same flaws of almost any other "respectability politics" and advocates that push for assimilation rather than acceptance in society.

In this sense, I actually like to see endos as having a similar goal of making it so that people don't assume that being more than one is inherently a mental illness which BY THE WAY, as someone who is act final fusion / functional multiplicity / late stage DID recovery, is INCREDIBLY important to me as I am not inherently experiencing a severe mental illness when my severe mental illness is largely considered "in remission / remissed" just because I choose to still experience myself as more than one.

Plus, yeah, some of them are cringe (/affectionate) but I honestly think people need to be unapologetically cringier anyways for society to grow and get over a lot of its prejudices so like, yeah maybe that type of "cringe" isn't my cup of tea but its still an ally in my ideal cringification of society /hj (plus people with DID/OSDD can be cringe too and I clap for them as well)

As a whole, I think accepting endogenics as a valid experience to have is progress to a better more accepting, less white-western centric, happy world as well as one that actually is a safe place for people who are in late stage DID/OSDD recovery to feel free to experience their disorder in whatever way is natural, safest, and works best for them.

It's honestly hard to be pro-functional mulitiplicity and anti-endo on practical sense in my opinion as someone who is At That Place because functional multiplicity kind of requires you do detatch the experience of being more than one from the inherent disorder that caused it and once you kind of get to that point.... its just really hard to still see the anti-endo perspective as it becomes really apparent that there really are some benefits to NOT TRAUMA COPING of experiencing yourself as more than one.

But anyways, I've been writing for an hour and a half so I'll leave it there. I wish I had a better way to tie this up but... *shrugs*

[pearlzier]

im gonna have a really theraputic session of just making character definitions for bots so im prepared to make like all the jack quaid, richie (the bear), queen maeve, billy n stu etc bots

[transbeamrooikat]

Shyfade is finally here! I've been working on this one for a while, and I hope you guys like it! This is only pg. 1 and 2 of what I hope is going to be quite a long comic :3

Some spoiler free infodumping under the cut :D

AAAAAAAAAA shy is so sillay I love him <3333

Although - before i say anything else, I will clarify that the reason the clan is called "Successionclan" is because this was originally supposed to be a Lifegen run with Roman Roy from Succession, which kinda got outta hand (she's gonna show up later i prommy <33) and I've stuck to the name cause i find it funny :3

Also, warrior scerimonies are really weird when you think about it - the whole head kiss/shoulder lick thing just comes off as weird to me, because like - dude thats a kid?? also it very much gives off cult vibes. It was kinda hard to portray here, this is my first comic so I'm definitely still figuring things out, but the motion :(( had to scrap two panels that i really loved for this to make it flow better. Killing my darlings :(. But Shy's dicomfort with it was sooooo fun to explore!! It's almost theraputic? exploring my own religeous trauma through him lmao

I also have an irrational hatred for Sandstar (the brown cat) for some reason - me and Shy are united on that front lmao. Mskeing me a homophobic dog fr fr lmao.

Also shoutout to @chaotickitchenware ! If she didn't suggest I make this months ago it probably would never have happened, lmao, and she and @black-mass-things have massively helped me to make decisions with it, so big credits to them <3333

I ran out of space on the alt for the first page, hopefully its still legible tho 👍 let me know if there's anything I can improve on, cause I'm quite inexperienced with writing alts.

Clip Studio currently won't let me back into the actual file for the first page (I think it git corrupted ????) so I can't fix the spelling mistake that I just noticed in the fifth panel 😔😔😔 I also normally put progress vids here but i can't for the first page atm, I'll see if I can for the second page tho. (although I'll probably only add it later, I'm in a bit of a rush cause I gotta get ready to go somewhere and I dont have access to my puter at all rn 😔😔)

[death-or-exile]

Doe Reads: Batman '89 Echoes #2

After being delayed for like...a million years....this issue finally, FINALLY arrived, and it did NOT disappoint! I recall it was originally solicited to come out on 1/31, because I was going to be out of the country, and was sad I was going to miss it...but uh, guess I needn't have worried! But enough about me, let's dig in!

spoilers under the cut!

(Doe Reads Batman '89: Echoes #1)

We begin following our dearest friend, Alfred, as he is out and about doing his shopping. However, he is being followed by a shadowy someone or someones...It appears that they intend to approach him, but are stopped when Alfred is approached by a street window-washer. After the window washer, leaves, Alfred finds a note card with a very familiar logo tucked under his wiper...

....a discreet message from Robin, aka Drake Winston, who was introduced in the previous Batman '89 series. We learn that he's still very much in touch with Bruce, and presumably has been for some time; assisting him with whatever he's doing, wherever he is, and seemingly acting as an occasional go-between for Bruce and Alfred. Although personally I do believe Alfred when he asserted last issue that he doesn't know where Bruce is and hasn't heard from him -- I imagine Bruce is pretty off the grid to serve his mission and protect Alfred (and I promise that's not a Unabomber style off-the-grid joke).

Drake also answers the question for us of who is tailing Alfred...

Drake assures us that Bruce wouldn't leave Alfred in the dark like this if the stakes weren't insanely high, and that if it all goes wrong, they'll definitely need him so it's better to have him out of the loop for now. Alfred agrees to bring Drake the fingerprint kit the next day, and Drake gives Alfred one last piece of info - if something goes wrong, there are three names he needs to get to Captain Gordon: Maynard, Desmond, and Kashif.

From here, we move to Arkham, where Crane and "Robert Lowery"(aka the Firefly, aka Bruce Wayne of course!) have their first formal session. Not only is this our first real look at Crane and his I guess...bedside manner? Theraputic vibe? but we learn a lot of interesting tidbits from this discussion that flesh out the story a good bit.

Firstly, to go back to issue #1, Dr. Hugo Strange is name-dropped as the doctor "Lowery" requested to see after he was apprehended, and who was "unavailable". However, Crane introduces himself to Lowery as someone who worked closely with Strange, so he's more than qualified and able to take on the task of treating "Lowery".

Here, we get confirmed what was alluded to in issue #1 - that the lawyer and judge involved with "Lowery" were paid off in some way, to ensure "Lowery" would be brought to Arkham rather than a penitentiary. "Lowery" asks if it was paid for by the estate of Dr. Strange, remarking that Dr. Strange had "acknowledged what he'd done to (us)" and tried to make amends. This seems to give more weight to "Lowery"'s words at the end of issue #1: "Because that's what I am -- a weapon. It's what they do. Start with a man...and make a monster. It's what they did to me."

Crane begins a fear test on "Lowery", showing him a series of images on screen that increase in intensity and graphic content, in order to measure his responses to them. It starts as simply as a boy and a puppy, and ramps up to show scenes of violence and rotting corpses. finishing up on a photo of Batman, followed by a photo of a scarecrow in a field.

After the fear test, Crane says that "Lowery" is sane and functioning enough to stand trial, but that he's too much of a celebrity to afford to go to a standard prison; his life would likely be at risk. Just to be safe, he's even been checked into Arkham under a false name - Lewis Wilson (names upon names!) Crane says that ultimately the choice us up to Lowery, but he suggests that the smart thing to do would be stay at Arkham (with the other violent cases there). Before he has much of a chance to say anything either way, Crane has "Lowery" escorted to Shady Lane, the area of the hospital where the other extreme cases are, but not before we see that he clearly has his doubts as to whether or not this is the real "Robert Lowery".

It's time for us to catch up with ACN's favorite Dr. Q, who's storming through the station. Apparently since her special interviewing Alicia which was preempted in issue #1 was apparently shunted to a 7am slot, the ratings were low. As she passes, network producer (? still not 100% sure what his title is here) Chuck follows her out into the hall and praises her work on the interview.

At first she believes him to be gloating, but he insists he is sincere and convinces her to follow him up to his office for a chat. While there, he lays out what he sees to be an incredible opportunity. He wants Harleen to use her authority as a therapist at Arkham to obtain a current photo of the Firefly, something that no other station or newspaper would have -- in other words, a scoop. In exchange, he promises her a primetime slot, five nights a week. This does not take much convincing on her part, haha.

Back at the madhouse, "Lowery" is finally at Shady lane. There appear to be some colorful cameos here, and lots of interesting new characters. After being given a warning by a very skrungly man folding origami that his cover as Lewis Wilson is basically blown already and that many staff on the ward would be happy to take the bounty placed on his head, we meet Philco, the ward's living television, as well as Maynard, one of the three names Drake gave to Alfred to turn in to the commissioner in case of emergency.

Maynard and "Lewis Wilson"/"Robert Lowery" meet, and after a bit of a rough introduction, Maynard recognizes "Lowery" as a kindred spirit. "You're one of us. The Monster Men. The Sammy-Poppers...the Strange Rangers."

Maynard says he was able to identify Lowery as such from having read his manifesto; that he recognized Dr. Strange's influence in much of it. After this back and forth, Maynard is distracted after his clipboard is vandalized by another patient; the sheets on the clipboard are covered in green question mark scribbles and "kryptik puzzles" by one E. Nigma...

Upon seeing this, "Lowery" has a violent outburst, attacking the guards, and is stopped by force in short order. As Maynard is escorted away, guards separate "Lowery" into an area out of the view of cameras. "Lowery" asks if he's going to collect his bounty, but to our surprise, the man is an associate of Drake Winston's -- letting "Lowery" know where he can get the package from Drake. The guard doesn't seem to know who "Lowery" really is, he's just operating as a favor for the Winston family.

The other guard, one of the ones escorting Maynard, is next seen reporting directly to Crane, who believes it's no coincidence that "Lowery" and Maynard found each other right away, believing they're trying to revive the "Strange Rangers", whatever that is. He also asks after the other two names that we were alerted to at the beginning of the issue, Desmond and Kashif, who are apparently well in hand. He stresses to the guard that "Lowery" must be kept alive at all costs. Once he believes himself to be alone, we see Crane looking inside a well lit cupboard filled with some choice items....our first look at The Scarecrow!

...before being interrupted by the unwelcome appearance of Harleen Quinzel!

Harleen is there to convince Crane to let her try her brand of persona therapy on "Lowery". After some absolutely top-tier wheedling and whining, and absolutely fabulous desktop posing, Harleen is stonewalled by Crane and leaves. She calls Chuck on the way out to let them know that they've hit a snag in their plan, before she's struck by a moment of inspiration:

After hanging up on Lowery, we finally join Harleen in one of her much discussed persona therapy sessions. She's meeting with her group, bringing in makeup kits. The gist of persona therapy seems to be creating a differentiation between a person's "true self" and the face they put on to the outside world. The "true self" is their actual thoughts, feelings and impulses, and when they put on their makeup, draw on their face, they're allowing those thoughts and feelings to come out. When they're in their "naked face", they view that as a kind of mask that they wear to appear normal and functioning to others, to keep those impulses and feelings in check.

A patient asks how come they never get to see Dr. Quinzel's true face, and she agrees, it's only fair that she shows them her "true face" as well. She applies the makeup on herself and we're...halfway to Harley Quinn!

....and END SCENE!

It was so so interesting to learn more about the Hugo Strange angle to what's going on in this issue. I think Bruce/Lowery's statement about being made a monster by Hugo Strange, coupled with a hypothesis by Commissioner Gordon in issue #1 (that the captured robber who killed the false Batman at the beginning of the story showed rage similar to PTSD, and she clocked him as a veteran) is going to connect to maybe some kind of experimentation on members of the military? With Crane involved, can we expect some kind of....compound that causes a soldier to lose his ability to fear, making him unstoppable on the battlefield? Or is that kinda just more Crane's MO, being who he is and all, and perhaps Strange was up to something similar but different (or something else entirely?) I'm gonna go with my original assumption for now, especially since it seems to be confirmed that Lowery was doing specifically fear tests with Strange in the past...but time will tell. What does Bruce know?? What is he investigating!?!?

I also like how Harleen's persona therapy is effectively kind of....tying her to clown imagery / possible future clown henchman in a way that's organic and independent of Joker stuff, which I was very curious about, him being dead and all. I do remember back in the day, in the old internet rumor mill, the theory was that Harley in any 90s era movies would be like...the Joker's daughter taking revenge on Batman for what happened to her father? But that never sat right to me as a possible origin for her, just too weird. Even more complicated when you consider Duela Dent Joker's Daughter, who even knows.

As an admitted shipper, I find the scene between Harleen and Jonathan absolutely delicious -- the way she interrupts his reverie, the way she tries to convince him to give her her way, and their exchange of jabs; seeing how smug it makes him denying her something she wants so badly...oof, I love it. The difference between Harleen's big expressions and Jonathan's more subtle ones is so fun to watch.

I must admit, it took me all the way to literally today to remember that The Firefly's civilian name is not Robert Lowery, it's Garfield Lynns. Ooops, sorry all you Firefly heads out there. In doing the googling though, I noticed that Robert Lowery was the name of the second man to ever play Batman on screen, in the 1940s serial. Which I did not know! Coincidence? I'm gonna say no but like...who knows, really, haha.

I'm also curious about the naming of Maynard as our Riddler (how do we get from Maynard to E. Nygma? Just a pseudonym?) Truthfully upon reading this the first time, I could tell Maynard was supposed to look like someone but I couldn't place him for sure -- it wasn't after I saw a twitter exchange that it hit me that Riddler's casting here is Martin Short, which I actually love and think is great (I feel like the old rumor I remember the most for a Riddler, pre-Jim Carrey casting was Robin Williams).

This is the panel that looked most like Martin Short to me. It's just kinda funny, Joe Quinones has an absolute skill for bringing out the celeb likenesses in these characters so I'm just really surprised I didn't get it right away. Guess I'm not enough of a Short fan haha. I imagine we'll see more of him soon, although I guess he does kind of put a wrench in my theory of Strange creating fearless super-soldiers. Maybe he was doing something else with Maynard? So much to learn!

And finally, speaking of cameos, there are a couple others I want to acknowledge here. I am convinced that this man, in the hallway of the Shady Grove intro panel is Danny DeVito, change my mind, haha. The man in the center absolutely must be Tim Burton. And....I can't place Philco. He's drawn in such a specific, particular way, I'm convinced he's SOMEONE but I just don't know who. If you know, tell me!!! (also not really sure if it counts as a cameo or a design choice, but I'm calling the zigzag flooring a nod to Twin Peak's black lodge, haha)

I admit to following Joe Quinones' social media even more closely than usual in the time between this issue's delay and its release to find any meager scraps of art / info to keep me alive during that time. I posted everything I could find here as it popped up, but I actually uh....ended up doing a closet cosplay of Harleen based on the panels previewed (the red turtleneck, the checkerboard skirt, tights, red heels) because....I literally already had almost the entire getup already. Years of being a cosplayer (especially a Harley cosplayer!) and having eccentric fashion tastes pay off sometimes! haha.

Here's hoping #3 stays on schedule! Hope if you got this far you enjoyed the read!

[messed-up-little-driftwood]

Y'all. This is straight from my messed up little brain. I don't even know what to label this other than: horrifically fucked and morally non-existant, and yet I wrote this to comfort myself during a bad night.

THIS WAS MADE FOR MY ENJOYMENT. I OPENED MY NOTES APP WHILE WATCHING HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES AND MY THUMBS JUST STARTED MOVING; I HAVE MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES I'M WORKING THROUGH, AND WRITING HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN OUTLET FOR ME, SO......I GUESS I'LL SHARE SOME OF IT WITH THIS HELLSITE.

BY NO MEANS IS THIS ENCOURAGEMENT FOR YOU TO 'GET WORSE'. PLEASE STAY HYDRATED AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, AND HAVE A SNACK IF YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IN A WHILE.

I JUST LIKE WRITING DARK STUFF, IT IS THERAPUTIC FOR ME. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEEK HELP IF YOU THINK THIS IS HOW HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WORK.

IF YOU HAVE SELF-HARM ISSUES, I WOULD ADVISE YOU TO PROBABLY NOT READ THIS, BUT AS ALWAYS, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDIA YOU CONSUME, I'M NOT YOUR PARENT AND NOR DO I WISH TO BE.

I DO NOT give ANYONE permission to copy or repost my work.

(Going back to elementary school; if you have nothing nice or helpful to say, STFU.)

WARNINGS:

(self-harm, graphic depictions of cvtting and blood, Otis in general deserves his own warning. He calls you 'mama' and 'rabbit', 'bastard' once. No explicit gender is mentioned. Manipulation, but reader knows it's happening and likes it. Dubious consent — but no smut. Definitely and 100% romanticizing branding and mental health problems. Reader is severely mentally ill, and Otis exploits this for his own amusement. Blood!play, knife!play. Reader is down bad for Otis, and I wayyyy over-use ';' '—' these. — If I forget any, don't hesitate to let me know!!!!)

Dark content below cut. MDNI.

Otis Driftwood x Reader: Carve My Love

"Did you carve my name into your thigh?" Otis asks, looking from you, to the jagged lines on your thigh that spell his name like a bloody tattoo, and drip small droplets of blood across your skin like raindrops on a car window.

You glance down as if you were just remembering they were there; even though the knife is still resting at your side, dried blood on the edge that lays the whole situation out like blueprints for Otis' keen mind.

"....yes," you answer, trying to keep the confusion from your tone as you look at him for approval, merged with slight embarrassment. What were you gonna do — lie when the truth is spread like butter on hot toast?

He blinks for a moment, processing the situation, and can't deny the tug of possession in his chest when he sees your feeble attempt at marking yourself with his claim. Something primal awakens inside him — the kind of urge he normally gets before a kill; but he doesn't want to kill you. Not yet; not when you have so much simmering potential waiting to be pushed to the surface.

That he could push to the surface.

"You stupid bastard," he grumbles finally, after a silence far too long for your liking, and stalks forward. "That's not gonna scar. I'll give you a proper fuckin' brand."

And then he's grabbing the blade from your side; one rough hand holding down your thigh, and the other gripping the hilt of the blade with familiarity. It was his knife you were using, after all.

He doesn't ask permission, or give you any type of warning before he's pressing the tip of the knife back into the open wounds, pushing down deeper as he traces your previous lines. Deeper than the epidermis, past styro, and into the first fat layer. Your thigh twitches like a freshly slain bug as he drags the knife through layers of skin, and you hiss at the pain (or pleasure). Your fists grip the sheets as he works carefully, his own fingers digging into the fat of your thigh as the blade tears it open further to keep you still and as unmoving as possible.

Long fingernails break your skin as he holds you down to prevent the blade from slipping, therefore ruining the masterpiece. He's precise; the lines are sharp and perfect, which is unsurprising considering the years of carving people's skin off their bodies was basically all practice for this moment.

"There," he mumbles, drawing the blade back and brushing his thumb against the gaping, bloody slits, swiping the blood across your thigh like a painter's brush stroke. You inhale sharply at the sensation, both painful and satisfying. "Perfect. Now that's a fuckin' brand."

Otis licks your blood from his thumb as if it were melted chocolate; smooth and decadent.

"You know, not all blood tastes the same. Yours is... sweet; like the nectar of an angel," he says offhandedly, almost sarcastically, but there's more. He never drops compliments without some kind of catch.

He collects more blood, almost entranced as it rolls down your thigh in a steady stream; staining yet another pair of sheets as it drips onto the white cotton.

Otis sucks more crimson off his thumb with a pop and a satisfied hum.

"Makes me wanna bleed you dry."

You'd let him; he knows this. You've got this fucked up devotion thing down pat, and you were his even before you were officially branded by him — what's a little blood? A little more of you; like he was stealing pieces, aspects of you, and rearranging them in order how he saw fit. How it suited him best.

"What do you think, rabbit? Should I bleed you like stuck pig?"

You pause, staring at him. Most would call it Stolkholm Syndrome — but you know you were down bad the moment he manhandled you into his car all those years ago, giving you no option. He came at a good time too — life was too much. There were so many decisions, and you weren't good enough for anything to work out in your favour anyway — mental health dragging you down into the depths of your own hell, turning you into a college dropout and shell of everything you used to be.

He took all that away — filled you with lies, with corruption, and his crooked thoughts and opinions.

You didn't need to be coerced or convinced, or even forced, but why not be when you like being manipulated into his world? Molded into whatever he wanted, when he wanted: an enthusiastic play-thing, pet; sometimes partner, when he had his flashes of humanity.

"Can you do hearts?" you ask, blown pupils on Otis as you scoot a little closer, giving him more access to your bloody and scarred skin. It's both an answer and a request: Ruin me, but make it pretty.

There's something evil in the smile he gives you – with a small touch of what looked like admiration, maybe. Your devotion ran deep — maybe deeper than the marrow in your bones; and Otis wasn't one to lay idle and trust your words; he'd test them. Push the limits – see how far he can take it before you break. And then some.

This was like a game to him, and you were his favourite piece; malleable, trusting, and yet, intelligent. You know who he is. You choose to stay, even when given the option to run. And you stay; because yes, it's all horrific and toxic — but underneath it all, you know this is where you belong. You love who you get to be with him. There's no social expectation, it's just pure, disastrous instinct and loyalty. You get to be the animal inside you that craves the hazardous edge — the rush of danger and adrenaline; the acceptance of letting yourself go completely and become how fucked up you feel inside. Otis gave you that freedom. And maybe you liked the way he pushed you down, broke you, just to put you together again for his own amusement. Maybe you liked the game.

"How many you want, mama?" he asks, pressing the tip into your plush skin, but not pushing down just yet. He likes to watch you squirm, to try to get comfortable in place that's anything but — with him, no less.

"As many as you think I deserve," you reply breathlessly, letting your doubts and fears leave you, focusing only on this moment. Only on Otis.

"What makes you think you deserve any?" he asks, pushing the blade a little deeper; barely deep enough to break skin. Your breath hitches in your throat, searching your brain for answers.

Otis smiles at your desire to please him; to give him what he wants even if you have no fucking clue what it is.

"You don't know?" he pushes, and laughs chidingly, making you feel small and vulnerable. Just how he wants you — break you down to your bare-bones just so he can build you up again however he wants; rearrange your parts in full. "Well, then, I'll tell you what you deserve."

And then he's pushing the knife deep into your skin again — carefully, with a deliberate pressure that tells you he's more than aware of what he's doing to you. To your being. It's gross, disgustingly toxic— and yet, you feel like you've just won the lottery, despite your waning personhood.

"You deserve this," he tells you, tone purposeful, yet focused like he's simply explaining something nonchalant to you. "You deserve whatever I give you, because I know what's best for you. I own you."

You whimper at his words, his messed up version of love; of devotion, desire. This was a candle that shouldn't be lit, but fuck, you want it to burn like the flames of hell.

Otis grins, but it's not kindly. It's more predatory; the gaze you'd expect from a man who's about to take everything from you, and become everything to you. It's the grin of a man who knows he's already succeeded both feats.

"Awe," he hums, finishing the last curve of his first heart, and you're pushing your butt and heels into your bed, squirming with pain that feels euphoric. "You know I'm right, don't you?"

You nod as he looks at you with his head tilted slightly to the side so he can look down on you as if you were mere lint on his sleeve.

"My obedient, little, rabbit," he praises with a tone coated in velvet; like he were giving you a massage instead of cutting you open like a parcel. "Now, be good, and I'll carve your body into a work of art."

You nod again, watching closely, wordless and  mesmerized by the way the sharpened edge eases through the resistance of your skin with calculated precision. Otis looks utterly handsome; hair framing his face with a long tuft tucked behind his ear to keep it out of his face whilst he works. There's a peace that you can see within him, a kind of peace that simmers just below boiling. Similar to when he's working on his 'sculptures', he's finding a sense of calm as he works on your stinging flesh with deft swipes across the pulsing skin.

Otis' hand holds down your leg with little to no effort – but his grip is bruising nonetheless. He wants to mark you up — like a dog claiming it's territory. You are his, all his, and he be damned if you'd forget it.

Or anyone else. No one touches what's his, and that includes you.

You're scarred, bleeding from his love and violent affections — but Otis is like a drug. Addictive, and liable to ruin your life. It was something you'd accepted long ago — long before he had his claim on you.

"You look so pretty covered in blood, mama," he hums distractedly, but his eyes never leave his steady workmanship as he licks the side of his hand where some blood was stained onto it from his last heart. "Kind of makes me regret not killing you. Though, there's still time for that, isn't there?"

He's smirking, more than aware of his effect on you. The fear, mixed with growing anticipation and utter loyalty behind your blood-drunk gaze is like his kryptonite.

Soon enough, he's pausing his ministrations to grab your chin and force eye-contact on you with the knife to your throat this time, tracing gentle cat scratches across it. He wanted to see the confusion, the fear, the affection, all of it. You bore it all like a tattoo, and it got him bothered when you looked at him with so much trust. God, he wanted to ruin you — and he certainly would.

Knife pressing against your soft skin and his calloused fingers pinching your chin, he's pulling your mouth to his for a kiss that's basically all teeth. It's not friendly, not gentle or loving. It's raw, messy, unfiltered and possessive. Otis only has one goal in mind when he presses a finger to your open wound — and snickers against you when you whine into his mouth, giving him all the access to you he could want.

His hand slides up the back of your neck, grabbing a handful of your hair, only to tug it back, hard. You release a whimper, the action hurting pleasantly, but he bites down on your lip as if to tell you to shut up, and take what he's been kind enough to give you without bitching — and as if that wasn't threat enough, his knife presses firmly into your neck again; a reminder of who's in charge.

So you take it. You take his possessively hungry mouth; swallowing hums and groans, as well as a mixture of both your blood from chapped, bitten lips until he pulls away – looking satisfied with himself as he holds your chin to keep your eyes on him.

Blood is smeared on his mouth — it's unclear who's. Likely a mix of both, as if proof of some kind of blood oath.

He points the knife at you, tip pressing against your sternum."You're all mine now, needy little rabbit."

Otis let's go harshly, thumbnail scratching your bottom lip as he adjusts his grip on the hilt of his knife before resuming his tight grasp on the fat of your thigh to keep you still.

"And I'm gonna make you bleed for me until there's nothing left of you."

[project-sekai-facts]

Me and my friend had a crazy idea. Since every prsk character is depressed and needs therapy, could a sekai be representing therapy through music???

I would love to hear your thoughts on this!!!

I don't think it's a crazy idea at all and I would say there's definitely truth to that statement actually! The Vocaloids in each SEKAI all exist to help the characters reflect on and understand their feelings, even the SEKAI themselves do this sometimes (e.g: the sky in School SEKAI changing with the girls' feelings, the stuffed toys in Wonderland SEKAI being influenced by the troupe's emotions). While not all the character's problems are solved directly through music, music and community does tie it all together, and of course, the SEKAI is directly tied to Vocaloid. So yeah, the SEKAI does seem like a stand-in for music therapy, even more so when you consider that songs based on the character's emotions actually manifest within the SEKAI. I think this whole system helps them a lot with processing their emotions and understanding themselves, in the same way therapy does.

I do just wanna correct one thing there and say that not every character is depressed. Yes, they all have their low points, but no way are they all depressed. You look at someone like Kohane, who I would consider one of the most mentally healthy characters. She's very she and has quite low self-esteem early on in the story, but I wouldn't say she was depressed at any point.

I do think though, since they are all in that later part of their teenage years where you're getting closer to adulthood and there's just so much stuff going on, that the SEKAI are a really good outlet for them. They just need to get their feelings out sometimes and therapy can be really good for people in that age range even if you aren't depressed or otherwise mentally ill.

I think Empty SEKAI is the most obvious example of being a theraputic sekai. Even if it's not conventional or the greatest at times. Most of the virtual singers are standoffish and definitely don't handle things in the right way, but they still do help the characters come to terms with their feelings. Specifically outlining KAITO in immiscible discord here. Don't want to spoil it for people who haven't read it so I'll be quite vague. But that is not how you handle a situation like Mafuyu's. Yes, it was something she needed to face, and deep down knew (KAITO is derived from Mafuyu after all), but he was extremely harsh on her when what he was telling her should've probably been let down on her much lighter. I'm not to familiar with the work that the event song is based on but it shows that Mafuyu is slowly accepting what KAITO was telling her - she hates what she has become because of how she let people treat her and even if she isn't ready to outwardly accept it entirely yet, deep down she has, and the SEKAI has created this song to help her reach that acceptance. The song is surprisingly aggressive which makes a lot of sense when you consider that KAITO is the featured vocaloid.

On the better side of Empty SEKAI you have Miku. Miku is really interesting to me because she is mainly a source of comfort rather than a guide or a therapist. She's always there for Mafuyu and will do anything Mafuyu wants or needs. Because, especially when the SEKAI manifested, Mafuyu just needed something. Miku is actually very similar to Mafuyu in that she doesn't feel a whole lot and she's learning about all these new emotions at the same time as Mafuyu re-learns them. It's a journey they're taking together and although it's not conventional, I think it helps Mafuyu a lot to just have someone there to walk the same path as her.

I think it's especially interesting that the only song in the SEKAI at first was the one Kanade wrote. Although she wanted the other Niigo members to stay out of her business at the time, the song still meant something to her. There was someone who cared enough to try. She didn't truly grasp that that was how she felt, but Miku did, even if she wasn't entirely aware of it either. Music is an integral part of Mafuyu's recovery in particular, since not only do N25 and OWN act as a way for her to put her unspoken feelings into words, but the SEKAI can do it for her - it can get all those repressed emotions out of her since the SEKAI is her in a way, and I think it's such an effective way for her to confront how she really feels and slowly understand and recover from her depression.

So in conclusion I think you're right OP and I went REALLY offtopic there sorry about that I just ended up getting into the feel of it.

This is worded really badly bc it's late and I'm tired but I hope it's still kinda understandable

If any of the immiscible discord stuff is wrong 1. i'm tired 2. i read the event through google translate so correct me if im talking bullshit

[murkyhazed-is-archiving]

@shefatales

HEALTHY THEN OTHER THINGS SURE and given the lack of access to his preferred method he supposed it was something. then again he wasn't about to write down his feelings in some journal like it was gonna solve the world problems, or his problems really. " yeah sounds really damn theraputic, till ya run outta paper then what's your plan? " he shrugged his shoulders and gestured his hands. his head was shaking and yeah he came off like an ass but to say he was a little on edge was probably an understatement. she was just here makng what he considered to be useless comment.

               she   had   just   been   trying   to   make   conversation.      these   people   were   staying   here   on   their   farm,   she   should   at   least   make   an   effort   right?      journal   closes,   and   head   tilts   as   she   surveys   the   man.      she’d   definitely   noticed   he   was   DIFFERENT   than   his   companions.      beth   can’t   really   blame   him   though,   because   this   world   changes   people.      it’s   DANGEROUS,   and   though   they   keep   walkers   in   the   barn   (   unbeknownst   to   their   visitors   )   beth   still   knows   not   to   get   too   close   to   them.      they   were   lucky   enough   to   have   the   farm,   have   some   SECURITY,   but   the   people   who   stumbled   across   their   land?      they   had   been   OUT   THERE,   with   no   shelter,   having   to   brave   the   outside.      beth   has   to   imagine   that   would   make   anyone   iritable.      ❝   i   mean…      paper   isn’t   exactly   on   peoples   lists   of   things   to   grab,   so   there’s   probably   lots   of   journals   still   out   there   to   use.      i   have   a   few   still…      i   don’t   know,   just   somethin’   to   think   about.      what   do   YOU   do   to   destress?   ❞

[benevolentwanderer]

Having seen it happen to someone, getting addicted to your ADHD meds DOES match that former definition: at above-therapeutic doses it kicks off psychosis effects and manic behavior (like compulsive buying*) that is very hard to break someone out of, LET ALONE for them to independently realise is a problem.

THE CAVEOT is: as far as I can tell, EVERYTHING related to DEA "preventing drug abuse by restricting access!!!" might as well have been tailor-made to put people into EXACTLY the situations that kick off that kind of symptom**, and to habituate to behaviors normally symptomatic of addiction to get their THERAPUTIC dose - all the phone calls, all the frantic appointments that interrupt your work and family life, all the hunting for pharmacies that actually have the med in stock... If those start seeming normal? THAT PATIENT HAS ALREADY BEEN STRIPPED OF A DEFENSE AGAINST MALIGNANT SELF-DOSING.

* whatever volume and cost you are imagining, reimagine about ten times both, and one tenth the quality.

** give the rat a reward when it pushes the bar, and it learns to push the bar. Only give the reward SOMETIMES... And the rat learns to play the slot machine. I am only being slightly glib. This is an outline of one of the classic experiments about how reinforcement works.

How was my doctor like "okay we'll try ADHD medication but we gotta be careful cause it's addictive" when I'm going through my day like "shit I forgot my meds. Shit I forgot my meds. Shit I forgot my meds. Shit I f

[icynderbolt]

Blog: The Process of Creating Art

Definition:

Blogs are written as opportunities to develop one's thinking, document instruction and display the author's thoughts at that moment (using a melange of formal/informal writing). So, I will be using this golden-ticket of an opportunity to spur on and on about the hardships one suffers when faced with the immensely difficult task of creating art. Cooperating with the artistic ideas marinating in an artist's head whilst attempting to recreate even a fraction of its original greatness onto a physical canvas of any should be a major studied in university for its incomprehensible complexity...what a tongue twister to get a point across.

For me, in this case, my face is the victim.

Blogs, unlike common articles, use media (photos and videos) alongside their written content.

When creating art,  our emotions, cognitive abilities and mental health are affected. Could be a theraputic release. Could be what gets you into therapy.

The original concept for this piece had simply a blue sky, slight rays of sunlight protruding from behind a black box/rectangle and a few fluffy clouds. 1 hour in and I ended up looking like the Simpsons' opening. I was beyond frustrated and was prepared to wipe my face clean of my disgrace, but "trust the process" is like a sickening cough syrup. At first it has you on the verge of vomiting. If you trust it and take it consistently, however, you come out stronger and happier in the end. Therefore, when trudging through the lengthy process of painting on my face with stain-imprinting face paints for three long hours, the image I had to portray "claustrophobia" came to be and jumped up from a 4/10 to an 8/10.

What I have learned is that art takes patience. If the artist wishes to execute their dream, the longer they take may help, but it depends most on the amount of trust they have within themselves.

The process of creating art may take hours, days, months or even mere minutes depending on what you're signing yourself up for. Every artist is different when it comes to their creation process. It all relies on the load, the artist's experience with the craft, their patience, and whether it is the artist's first time bringing that particular idea to life.

I, for one, suffered with this idea.

I had school the next day.

When creating this look, (following the guidelines of my inktober phobia challenge) I had to recreate the fear of drowning and deep waters; Thalassophobia. In my mind, immediately, the idea of a skull with water droplets came to me. I scoured the internet and prayed to the gods of Pinterest that they bestow upon me a muse to feed my inspiration. This time around, luckily, I had found the exact reference I had in mind. It was as though someone had peered into my future and plucked it straight out from my brain to make my life easier for me in that future moment... The problem was, however, my overestimation in myself. I started painting at midnight, ended at 4 am. I had focused too much on my details and got overwhelmed by the look. I had contemplated passing out on the bathroom floor for a quick power-nap (thinking new found art abilities would wake up alongside me after 15 minutes) and even debated sleeping in the first place for fear of missing school and receiving a good beating from my mother's slipper. It was not looking good for my exhaustion. I learned, from that experience, that it is good to believe in your capabilities and to take on new challenges in bringing dreams to life, but plans should be made. Time management is a good skill for an artist to possess. Duly noted.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! 2 hours of work done only to further state the obvious. I am a clown now both inside and out.