#death as a a song kinda sucks but the music video eats
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the dress here deserved more recognition because..
MELANIE MARTINEZ - DEATH (2023)
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S3 Aggretsuko and the risks of making your Hobby a Job
Okay so I just watched Aggretsuko season 3 and everyone in the tag is talking about how she “threw away her dream” in the end by quitting her idol job when... that’s not how I see it at all???
Death metal isn’t her dream, it’s her escape. She sings to express her frustrations with the world, and to help her get through the torture of her everyday life. When she was forcefully turned into an idol, it wasn’t HERS anymore. Her lyrics were unintelligible, her meaning was lost, and she started to see the idol persona as the mask she must put on to please others and the source of her pain instead of her escape from it. True, she ended up starting to embrace it life on the stage, but only because she loved inspiring others. And even then, being an idol was her FRIEND’S dream. Whenever her friend talked about the joys of being an idol, Retsuko just passively agreed, and eventually convinced herself that maybe this IS what she’s meant to do with her life.
But it’s not. And she knows it. The crazed stalker fan might have been the one who pushed her to quit, but in her mind... he was just reinforcing what she thought to be basic truths about her situation. She’s a fake, her words are empty, she’s just doing what is expected of her instead of being her genuine self.
And even though it’s a muddled message, I think one of the things this season was trying to say is that you shouldn’t have to capitalize on everything you do. She started publishing anonymous videos on the internet, but she was doing it for ad revenue - just a little side gig to help her get by, but she never meant for her passion to be exposed and exploited to this level. She wanted to be ANONYMOUS. She never wanted her face to be seen. From the beginning, she published her videos in a death metal face mask, and wanted to preform with her face in a burlap bag (which is a BADASS LOOK, AND SUITS THE THEMES OF THE MUSIC SO FUCKIN WELL, WHY DID HE TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HER, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN DAFT PUNK BUT BABY METAL). She never wanted to be seen, to be known, to be forced into the spotlight the way she was. She just wanted to get by, but in order to do so, she had to sacrifice something integral to who she was. She had to make her passion her WORK. PUBLICLY. Which took away her one escape. It made her favorite hobby into her worst prison.
The thing is, it’s... it’s okay to have hobbies. You don’t have to profit off of everything you do. And like, I get it! It feels good to be recognized for your passions! I should know, I’m a Motion Designer, I turned my love of art, design, and animation into my freaking career! But I still have other hobbies. I can’t keep a tune to save my life, but I love to sing. I stopped taking ballet classes after middle school, but I still love to dance. I decided to stop auditioning for roles in chorus and theatre, but I still love to preform! I still dance, sing, and make silly voices for all the comics I read, but mostly in my bedroom while my little sister rolls her eyes at me. I purposefully try not to capitalize on those hobbies, because if I tried to turn every single little thing I do into a marketable skill or profession, I would drive myself INSANE.
And she.... she LIKES being an accountant. She LIKES managing money, making things work financially, and she’s really really good at it!!! This season showed that off real well, and she was at her happiest this season when she was able to use those skills to make the idol group financially successful!!! When she was a BOSS, and making herself an irreplaceable asset to this new buisiness she basically built from the ground up. It all spiraled out of her control when her boss found out about her hobby, and started making huge rebranding decisions around that discovery WITHOUT HER PERMISSION.
In the end, she withdrew herself from everything. All her friends, all her skills and all her passions, everything she used to take pride in. For WEEKS.
I don’t approve of how aggressively her friends abducted her, and I wish they had cut to the chase a little bit earlier in the season so that her recovery could have had a full episode, but her friends were right to bring her back to the karaoke bar. And I think this was important for more than one reason - Haida wasn’t just raging at her, he was SHOWING her his hobby. He isn’t actually good at it! He kinda sucks at the death metal voice, and his voice gave out halfway through, and he was grasping at straws for the lyrics, but he was having FUN, being HIMSELF, and letting himself be FREE. Same way as his music. He used to be in a band, but he eventually let it slide into a hobby. Something he does for himself, in his free time. And he was really trying to goad her into joining him. He had a lot to say to her, and yes, he was a little mean, he did call her a coward, but he was being open and honest and raw. And eventually, it broke the dam, and she SANG RIGHT BACK. SHE WAS SCREAMING, not just at him, but at the WORLD, crying out for what it had stolen from her, desperate for the freedom of expression, of herself. She was pushing him away, but she was doing something she hadn’t let herself do in a long, LONG time. She wasn’t singing for a crowd, or for money. She was singing for herself.
And Haida understands. He wants to join her. He could hear her, and understand the lyrics of her song, the words she was screaming out with crystal clarity. And he responded to her lyrics, in a way nobody else could.
“Then let’s punch the world back.”
After that, she gave one last performance for the public, regained control of her life, and then returned to her new normal. A normal where she can be anything she wants to be. Where she decides to be an accountant, because as much as she rages about her job, it’s still HER job. And she lets herself lean on her friends a little bit more. Lets herself eat with her friends, instead of separate from them as she had been doing all season. And - there’s the implication in one of her last lines, that she’s still a music producer. Not a professional performer anymore, but a producer. She didn’t give up her side hustle entirely, she just went back to the parts of it she has control over, the parts she actually ENJOYED. And I, for one, am really proud of her!
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90. “You can tell me anything.”
Work has been somewhat a nightmare and I just felt like writing about some Jay lovin’...though if he’d look at me like that I’d just burst into tears right away sigh TT
How do I go home and rant to my boyfriend, Jay Park, about my boss – Jay Park?
You had honestly imagine working with your boyfriend to be the best thing ever, especially so when he was essentially the busiest man alive, and working with him meant that you could see him every day despite his inhumane schedules – the occasional coffee runs before work and the little glances that he sneaked at you whenever he came in and out of the office? Cute, you loved it.
But while you did get to spend almost every waking hour with him, that was the very reason why it made work extra hard – he made his never ending pile of work look so easy and it honestly did nothing to make you feel better about your job, more so when the music video you were working on was due for its final review tomorrow and you were not the least bit satisfied with the outcome after working on it for three consecutive nights.
“Hey,” You said, flashing him a small smile as the both of you exchanged glances via the reflection on your monitor.
“How’s it going?” He asked, giving your shoulders a massage.
“It’s still work in progress I guess…” You shrugged, weariness evident in the tone of your voice to which he picked up almost immediately.
“Is everything okay?” He asked, pulling over a chair from the desk next to yours, then turned your chair to face him.
“Yeah, it’s just been a really long day…”
It was two in the morning, the rest of the employees long gone. You had spent the entire day working on the music video and had completely lost track of time as you played it back over and over again, going back and forth between several transitioning effects and finding it difficult to come to a decision.
He remained silent, studying your face carefully – from your slumped posture to your sleepy eyes, he knew something was up but instead of asking once more, he merely held both your hands, furrowing his brows he waited for you to speak again.
“…can I please get a hug?” You whispered.
“Of course,” He hummed, then gestured for you to sit on his lap before he wrapped his arms around your frame, bringing your fingers to his lips as he kissed them gently. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve been working on this for nights and no matter how many times I watch it, I just can’t seem to figure out what’s lacking,” You explained. “The review is tomorrow and this is driving me nuts…”
He wordlessly reached for your mouse, playing the draft you had completed thus far and for a while he just stayed like that, watching with a careful eye while his other hand kept his hold on you. With the way he remained silent throughout and his attention completely fixated on the screen, four minutes felt like forever as you chewed nervously on your lips, your eyes darting back and forth as you looked for the slightest hint of reaction other than the bobbing of his head towards the beat.
A smug smile played on his lips as the video came to an end, and you could’ve sworn your heart was about to fall out of your chest as you waited for him to speak.
“I don’t get what you’re stressing about,” He stated as a matter of fact. “That was dope.”
“You’re lying.”
“No I’m not, why would I?”
You sighed, getting off his lap and sitting back down in your chair as you stared at the screen and scrolled aimlessly through the video once more.
“Baby, what’s going on?” He asked, confused at the way you were reacting to his compliments.
You ran your fingers through your hair, “I’m not tryna flex or anything...but that’s what everyone says and at this point I feel like everyone’s just flattering me cos I’m your…”
“You’re my…?”
“…never mind.”
He scooted closer to you, hands on yours to stop you from working and looked at you with a face full of worry, “You can tell me anything.”
“…cos I’m your girlfriend,” You told him, looking down at your lap.
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“I feel like everyone’s telling me that I’m doing a good job just cos I’m dating their boss,” You explained. “This video doesn’t even feel complete…how in the world is this ‘great’?”
You weren’t sure if this was you putting all this unnecessary pressure on yourself because you were surrounded by so many talented creatives in H1GHR’s graphic team, but with the way the several music videos you’ve directed for Jay over the years have been consistently blowing up, the bar was set high the moment Jay signed you to direct his team. You’ve been working independently for several years with the intention of making a name for yourself before joining a label and Jay completely understood that, giving you all the time and space you needed to develop your craft but with how he hyped you up (you know, typical Jay) and assigned their latest and biggest project, the compilation album, under your direction the moment you entered, the pressure was no doubt eating you up.
“We don’t have to worry if you’re the one directing the music videos.”
“This project is gonna blow up now that you’re in charge. The edits in your latest work were sick!”
Sure, you appreciated the fact that they thought so highly of you, but all these expectations were inevitably sending you into an endless cycle of self-doubt.
For a while he simply stared at you, confused. He watched the way tears were beginning to well up in your eyes as you clicked on your mouse frantically, applying filters and effects before undoing them again. This went on for a good minute and it was when frustration became evident from the way you tapped loudly on the control + z keys did he make an attempt at stopping you.
“Hey-”
“You’re so good at what you do – you do ten thousand meetings a day while releasing songs, doing photo shoots, interviews and even working out – you make work look so easy and I feel like everyone associates my work to yours and…its stressing me out,” You said, then sighed as pushed your mouse aside and buried your face in your hands. “I don’t want to disappoint them…”
“Baby, look at me,” He said, placing one of his hands on your lap.
“I can’t,” You whispered against the palm of your hands.
He let out a deep breath, peeling your hands off your face before he cupped your cheeks and brushed away your tears with his thumb, “You’re doing great, and I’m not saying this just because you’re my girlfriend and I love you to death – you know how honest I am with my comments when it comes to work.”
“For real..?” You rasped, looking down at your lap to avoid his gaze.
“Of course,” He reassured you. “Now stop putting yourself down for absolutely no reason at all cos I’m proud of you and your work.”
“��I’m being stupid now, aren’t I? For being whiny and a crybaby…?”
“And for complaining that your boyfriend’s too awesome? A little,” He joked, finally eliciting a giggle from you.
Nevertheless, he pulled you in for a hug, dotting a kiss on your forehead.
“Now let’s go home shall we? You’ve been staying up at the office for a few nights and it kinda sucks going to bed alone knowing you’re in the office slogging your ass off for my music video.”
“Alright boss,” You snickered, knowing very well he hated it when you addressed him like that and he rolled his eyes at you, saving your work once more before dragging you out of the office.
#Jay Park#park jaebum#park jaebeom#jay park scenarios#jay park drabbles#AOMG#aomg scenarios#aomg reactions#khh#khh scenarios#khh imagines#khh reactions#100 ways to say i love you
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Survey #426
“insatiable furnace, burning up our surplus / watching all essential life become another servant”
Are you a brunette? Yep. It is way past due time that I get it dyed... What is your favorite channel on TV? I don't really watch TV, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it'd probably be Discovery. Have you ever been to Chicago, IL? Yes!! It's my only experience with a truly BIG city, and though I'm not a city person, the experience was pretty magical. It was something I wasn't even remotely used to. Just so much life and business and energy to feel there. Who was your first friend? Brianna. She was the sister of my older sister's best friend. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. :') Do you regret your last kiss? Nope. Have you ever taken a karate class? No. Who was the last person to tell you ‘I love you’? My mom. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. Do you live on your own? Noooo. I don't think I ever could. I would have to stay VERY busy, or else the loneliness would kill me. Hell, even if I was very active in stuff, I still don't know if I could. With how bad my depression is capable of being, it doesn't sound smart at all for me to move out unless it was with somebody. Are your the oldest child? No, I'm the middle kid. How many X-rays have you had in the last 2 years? Two, maybe? One for my legs and the other for my teeth. Are you on good terms with your last ex? Yeah, we're best friends. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? Nah. Do you freak out if a bee/wasp flies near you? ... yes lol. What subjects in history interest you most? The Holocaust. It's just so... shocking and extreme that it's oddly fascinating, but of course horribly sad. Are you superstitious in any way? Nah. How do you get rid of anxiety? Do what? Are there any items of jewelry you never/rarely take off? Yeah, my two rings, my lip piercing, and tragus piercing. Has a song ever made you cry before? There are many. ^If so, what about it brought you to tears? Again, I said "many," so this would be a horribly long list. There are four though - "Eternally Yours" and "Another Life" by Motionless in White, "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin, and "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides - that I really, really try to avoid, because I WILL cry. They're all associated with Jason for one reason or another. "Stairway to Heaven," especially, is absolutely forbidden for me to listen to. Would you consider yourself open-minded? Very, honestly. Have you ever met someone online that you wanted to meet in real life? I've met Sara! :') There are a handful of others I'd love to meet, too. Tell me about the last thing that made you laugh until it hurt. Wow, I have no idea. I don't remember the last time I laughed THAT hard. When you graduate, what color will your gown be? Ugh, it was this insufferable red. We got to vote on it, and I really wanted navy instead, as it looks more formal and not as obnoxious to me, but red won. Do you own a gun? No. My household legally can't because of my suicidal history. What color of shirt are you wearing? It's a black tank top. Do you use any acne medication? Nah, I don't really get acne anymore. Are you emotional or very stoic? I'm emotional as shit. Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish? A few. There's Fullmetal Alchemist (as well as the Brotherhood expansion), Deadman Wonderland, and Ginga Densetsu Weed. I've seen bits of others. Which baby animal is your favorite? MEERKATS!!!!!! :') Once they reach three/four weeks, they're fucking precious. I also really like kittens. Do you like jam on your toast and biscuits? Sometimes. Have you ever reread a book? It is very, VERY rare I do this. The only cases I remember are for Because of Winn-Dixie and Meerkat Manor: Flower of the Kalahari. Do you have any religious symbols in your home? I think Mom has some religious quotes on the walls? What religion do you identify with, if any? None. What is you favorite flavor of pudding and/or yogurt? I love chocolate pudding, but I'm not very big on yogurt because of the sourness. I can sometimes eat a cookies 'n cream one, but occasionally I'm like "ew." We’re going to the best amusement park ever, first ride you choose is? One of those water rides where you go down a big slope. Did you have intense night terrors as a child? No. Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? No. That'd be dope. Have you ever had a piercing get infected? Ugh, yes. Worst was the first time I got my tongue pierced. It was early into infection though, thank God; I ended up having to take it out and get it re-pierced later. Have you ever shoplifted? No. Do you hate when people say, "Everything’s going to be fine,“ when it’s not? Sometimes. It can feel kinda dismissive of your extreme situation, and sometimes, things simply won't be okay. Like, you can't tell that to someone on their death bed. Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? No, oops. Are you a shorts-wearing kind of person? Absolutely not. Nobody wants to see my legs, not even me. Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy? My grandma's sure as hell was. She was very old-fashioned and "proper" and took cleanliness and manners very seriously. Do you know how to jumpstart a car? Nope. Would you date someone 8 years older than you? Probably. What did you do today? I WENT TO THE GYM AND DID A FULL HOUR OF EXERCISE!!!!! :') For once I am SO fucking proud of myself. I left drenched in sweat, but I also left with a feeling of great accomplishment. I'm going to be going twice a week now with a personal trainer. (: Who was the last person you fell asleep with? Sara. Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? No. People doing that shit terrifies me. Have you ever felt replaced? Sure have. Have you ever kissed someone who was high? No. If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do? I don't have a partner, but hypothetically, leave their ass in a blink. I don't fuck with those kind of people. Do you know who Jeffree Star is? Well, yes. I watch him on YT sometimes and (astonishingly) love his music, and I find his work ethic extremely inspiring. That man knows how to hustle. What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage? Probably sangrias. When was the last time you saw a photo of your ex? "The" ex, it's been years. I've removed all pictures I have of him, irl and digitally, because it's triggering for me. How many push-ups can you do? Probably zero. Do you play any games on your phone? There's Pokemon GO, DragonVale, and Dragons of Atlantis that I play semi-regularly. Have you ever received a compliment from a stranger? Yes. Have you ever shaved your face? Just my upper lip to avoid the lady stache, ha ha. What colour is your front door? It’s white. Do you take the stairs or the elevator? If an elevator is available, I will ALWAYS use that. I have an extreeeemely hard time getting up stairs because of having just about no leg muscle. Do you get motion sickness? No. When was the last time you went to your favourite restaurant? Oh man, it's been forever. :/ Olive Garden sounds soooo good right now. Do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings? No. Well, Mom has her earlobes pierced once, but that's it. Are you desperate for anyone’s approval, in particular? It's funny, even though he hasn't been a part of my life for years, I still desperately crave what I think would make Jason proud. There have been many times where my mind has wondered to what he would think of me now... and I know it's not good. Are there any activities you enjoy doing, but can only do for a short amount of time before you get bored or tired of them? Reading. When was the last time you felt hopeful, and why? Today, after finishing my workout at the gym. I think, finally, that I may be taking another stride forward in life. Do you find yourself asking for the same things for your birthdays and for holidays? Ha, yup: a new tattoo, 100%. What is something someone recommended to you that you disliked/hated? Girt's recommended some music to me before. He loves sharing songs he likes with me. Of course I didn't tell him it sucked, ha ha. What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? She is very passionate about animals, reptiles in particular, and is simply amazing with them. If you had a child, would you rather have a girl or a boy? A girl for sure. Has anybody ever accused you of doing drugs? No. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Honestly, do you think that you will wanna settle down in the same town you’re currently residing in? HELL no. I hate this place. Does anyone call you darling? If so who? Sara does sometimes. Are you close to any of your cousins? No. Are you a romantic person? I think I am. What’s the coolest thing you’ve seen out the window of an airplane? Mountains. Have you ever been in the mountains when the moon and stars were up? NO BUT FUCK I WANT THAT. Just lay in a grassy spot with some s'mores or something and just ~vibe~. Do people like your hair? I get complimented on it a bit. Have you ever held birdseed and a bird came and ate out of your hand? Yeah, at a bird sanctuary. Could you ever live in Alaska? Hell yeah, I'd enjoy that. On the main page on YouTube, what’re the three recommended videos? There's one by a WoW gold maker, a song by 3TEETH, and a video of bullsnakes hatching. Do you really care how many friends you or anyone else has on Myspace/Facebook? Couldn't care less. I only "friend" people I know and care about. Does your significant other have any piercings? I'm single. Do you ever get bored of yourself? Oh, all the time. I feel like I'm extremely dull and plain and, well, boring. How many band shirts do you own? Which? Oh goodness, I have no idea. I own a lot. Do you go to shows mostly for the music, the moshing, or the merchandise? I go for the music. It's nice to buy merch, but it's SO expensive that it's dumb. Moshing, I think is just stupid. Have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now? Many places, actually. So many holes closed because piercings had to be taken out when I was in the psych hospital. I was so annoyed. Who were you with the first time you watched the last movie you watched? I was alone. Do you have any twins/multiples in your family? Are they identical or fraternal? No. What is the highest number of jobs you’ve had at one time? One. Is your mom a good mom? She is the actual best. Last thing you threw in the garbage? The crust of some leftover pizza I had this morning. I generally eat the crust, but this time it was WAY too hard.
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Radiohead Retrospective Part 6: I try to sing along but I get it all wrong (‘CAUSE I’M NOT)
I don’t have as much to say about the lead-in to Hail to the Thief, much like I didn’t have much to say about that for Amnesiac. There isn’t as earth-shattering a shift as Kid A, and there isn’t a big story like with The Bends or OK Computer.
Hail to the Thief was (probably) the first batch of music Radiohead recorded after the sessions that produced Kid A/Amnesiac, meaning they had the full breadth of that experience to work with. What we received as a result was somewhat of a fusion of the electronic/jazz-influences of those albums and the rockier stuff of the band’s past.
Now I’ve heard a fair few complaints that this album is too long. That’s probably fair, it’s their longest album, with a total of 14 tracks, meaning it does kinda drag on a bit. Thom Yorke apparently agrees, seeing as he put out an alternative tracklist in ’08 (link) missing four songs. At the same time, I’m going to pull Death of the Author on this one, because as much as I’ve seen people complain that there’s too many songs on this, nobody ever seems to get along with which ones they’d cut- let alone people wanting to pull B-sides in the mix.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves there, aren’t we? Suppose I should just talk about the fucking album.
We begin this record, like all Radiohead records, with studio chatter. Wait, what the fuck? Yeah, it’s quiet but it’s there. Why not, right?
2+2=5 is a lovely little banger to open on. Unquestionably a rock song, it features a very slow and quiet (and heavily panned) first half before just fucking exploding in the latter half. It genuinely might be the most aggressive track the band has put out, a manic cascade of energy and breathy falsetto that’s genuinely headbangable. It’s also a fun thing to try and read the lyrics for, since the booklet the album comes with gives up for this bit and just goes “eezeepeezee NOT” or something along that line.
Oh yeah, that’s actually something worth bringing up. Neither Kid A nor Amnesiac had lyric booklets, deliberately obscuring the actual words to the songs, to the point where people had pretty wide interpretations of what they actually were. Considering the incompleteness of 2+2=5’s entry in it’s booklet, perhaps similar occurred with that. I’m still unsure if the subtitle of this post is actually the real lyrics.
Most people, I think, read the name of this track and just kind of assume it’s about 1984, the book boomers bring up whenever their freedumbs are impinged upon. And it’s not not about 1984, but there are extremely specific political references as well- Hail to the Thief, title of the album and line in the track, is a quote regarding the U.S. President of the time, George W Bush, who lost the popular vote but won the electoral college- something that sounds awfully familiar to those of us living in 2021. “January has April Showers” similarly refers to the unseasonable weather of Bush’s inauguration.
The last thing I’d like to bring up before we finally move onto the second track is that every single song in this album has a subtitle- for 2+2=5, it’s (The Lukewarm). According to Yorke, it’s a reference to Dante’s Inferno- the Lukewarm being the people around the edge of hell, damned due to their passive indifference- the kind of people the song’s lyric, “you have not been paying attention”, is referring to. I’m literally learning these meanings now, so we’ll see how many are worth bringing up.
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Perhaps fortunately for my word count, Sit Down. Stand Up (yes the full stop/period is part of the title) (that’s not the subtitle) doesn’t have quite as much going on. Though it does have a video, for some reason. It’s a sort of repetitive trance of lyrics set to an electronic percussion, distant piano, and….I don’t know what other instrument is making those light dings. A xylophone? Interestingly, much like 2+2=5, it’s one that builds slowly into a chaotic finish, the raving of that track reflected in the almost cold mania of the raindrops the raindrops the raindrops the raindrops the raindrops……. It’s a decent enough song, but I legitimately cannot imagine listening to it ever outside the context of this album. Which is weird, because I definitely remember doing so when I was younger.
Track 3 is Sail To The Moon, a lullaby or ballad or sorts, a calm after the storm that is the previous track. Quite literally, considering it’s repeated lyric. And also literally, in that it was actually written for Thom’s son at the time. The subtitle, (Brush the Cobwebs Out of the Sky) evokes a very literal interpretation of the song’s title, which doesn’t actually reflect the lyrics.
Sail To The Moon is, as any good lullaby should be, utterly soothing. It’s calm, with Thom’s vocals just drifting across the piano, loose guitar, and percussion like a low tide. This is one of those songs I’ve come around to much more with time, because I distinctly remember skipping this a lot. You’ll find I’ve listened to this album a fair few times, though the section between 2+2=5 and Go To Sleep is one I skipped a fair bit, I think.
Backdrifts is a heavily electronic song that apparently in part predates Kid A and Amnesiac, which is kind of interesting- we’ll see a bit more of that later. As a track, it’s kind of spacy- the synth instrumental feels like something out of an eerie sci-fi film, if you notched the tempo up a bit.
Backdrifts is also the first song where I can see the “too long” argument come in. Not for the album (though I believe it’s one of the ones the alternate tracklist leaves out), but the song itself- I’m not sure this is a song that needs to be the second longest on the album (and only by a second). It’s fine, but considering what it comes off and what follows it, it’s in a bit of an awkward spot.
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Go To Sleep is another one that kinda took me a while to get. I always heard it as being one of the top tracks on the thing, but it never really clicked with me for a while. I suppose I’ve never been massive on purely acoustic-guitar-led affairs? With age, though, I’ve better appreciated the depth the song has. Possibly the folkiest song the band has, it might have taken me getting into R.E.M. to recognize what the song is.
And the song is good!
But unfortunately for Go To Sleep, Where I End and You Begin is my favourite Radiohead track.
Holy shit, this song sounds so fucking sick. That percussion, that bassline, those fucking Ondes Martenot babyyyy. The song is spacey and ethereal, but tied down by the more traditional elements of the instrumentation. The fantastical lyricism tying into very real themes of personal boundaries, how they define how people interact, and how when they fail, things tend to go badly- “There’ll be no more lies, I will eat you alive”. It’s just an absolute fucking track.
I don’t think I can possibly explain why I like this song so much. Opinions and favourites are kind of like that. But it just speaks to me. The hyper-fuzzed out guitar soloing in the bridge, the loneliness of the second verse, it’s just incredible.
Also it possibly references Optimistic with the lyrics which is cool! I also like that song a lot.
The subtitle, (The Sky Is Falling In), is something I’ve not been able to find a reference for regarding it’s meaning, but since I like the song so much, I’m going to do some interpreting. If we assume the song is about boundaries in a relationship, it’s clear that the final lyrics are the utter devastation after those boundaries are breached. But “The Sky Is Falling In” fits better with the third verse, what with the house falling into the sea- the tipping point has broken, the household (or, the house) is in freefall, the sky is falling with it. But that’s just my opinion, man.
Still with me? We’re not even halfway.
We Suck Young Blood can best be described as off-kilter, perhaps even deliberately out of tempo. A very pointed use of handclaps, typically a part of substantially more energetic tracks than the dirge this song presents. I’m sure this isn’t what the song is about, but at face value the lyrics read like some sort of social service run by vampires- give us your young blood, and we’ll make things better for you. In a way, it’s kind of fun, silly even. I suppose the claps help with that. The track is otherwise just, melancholic- slow, piano-y, even the sudden pickup barely lasts- though I always forget it’s there, making it kind of a surprise every time. Like, oh shit, we’re going somewhere for a bit, I need to put my seatbelt back on- ah never mind it’s over (and then the song keeps going for a while).
We come now to The Gloaming, the song that was originally going to be the title track for the album. They changed it, apparently, because it got rejected- too gloomy, apparently. According to Wikipedia, a fair few of the subtitles from the album’s tracks also came from proposed names for the album proper.
The song itself is also pretty gloomy, as it happens. Apparently, it’s literally about the rise of fascism, so fair enough. An electronic track, with many a repetition, feeling uneasy and cold the whole way through (making the subtitle, Softly Open our Mouths in the Cold, pretty apt). It feels almost minimalistic at times, without especially many lines running through it- and without a big crescendo like many to most of these songs have, it feels somewhat lifeless- a deliberate choice, no doubt.
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Oh shit, are we up to There There? We are! God this song fucks. Those opening drums are iconic, not to mention the way it layers onto itself. And the video! Eerie horror at its finest.
Like, I know Where I End and You Begin is my favourite song on this album unquestionably. But there is no doubt in my mind that There There is the best song on the album.
Good enough that I don’t have anything really interesting to say about it? Like many songs on this album, it’s got a big old crescendo, but the build is just so smooth, and the climax is just such a swelling. “We are accidents waiting to happen” is such a powerful lyric, and it’s hardly the only one on the song. A comment I’ve seen about the song describes the guitar as akin to laughter, a mood I can definitely see in the track itself.
Anyway the song ended so I guess I gotta move on.
I Will is kind of an interesting case. It’s unquestionably one of the most emotional songs on the album, considering it was written about a U.S. bombing of a shelter that wiped out 408 innocent people, and that’s fucking horrifying (S.O.P. for the Army it seems). It’s short, and…well it’s not sweet, but it is tragic and haunting.
It’s also a song that went through variation on variation before finally appearing on this album. Early live performances date to 5 whole years before Hail to the Thief, and considering the bombing was in 1991, it was probably written well before then. Versions of this track are kind of everywhere as a result- one early version was eventually chopped up and reproduced into Like Spinning Plates on Amnesiac- reconstructions of the process are available on citizeninsane.eu- or they were, at least, because apparently that site’s embeds relied on Flash.
I do particularly want to highlight the Los Angeles version of the song, which was a b-side on 2+2=5 (and also was on the Com Lag EP), because it’s a fuller version of the track- not necessarily better, but the full band is involved, making it a much different experience.
Track 11, A Punchup At A Wedding, has become somewhat of a meme on the Radiohead subreddit. Mostly it’s a result of the opening lyric, literally “No” 42 times over. The subtitle, for reference, is also all “No”s. On a similarly lighter note, the track is apparently a result of the band stumbling upon just a needlessly scathing review of one of their live shows, making it one of the few Radiohead tracks I could confidently say is about one person in particular. With all the second person, the lyrics probably wouldn’t be out of place on an early Linkin Park track (whether that’s an insult or not, I’ll leave as an exercise to the reader).
The slow, almost marchlike rhythm of the song well suits the tone of the lyrics, and to be clear, the tone is pretty much “Man, what the fuck is wrong with you?” and the emotions that come with being torn down by someone who doesn’t know you or really recognise what they’re doing. I suppose it’s refreshing for the metaphor to be this obvious for once. It’s a pretty decent song, piano-driven like many a song on the album, which means theoretically if I ever relearn the instrument I could play it. Maybe.
Myxomatosis, while a pretty fucked up disease, is an absolutely excellent song. If 2+2=5 is the heaviest rock song on the album, Myxomatosis is the heaviest electronic song on it. The lyricism is incredibly dark, unsettling and violent, suiting the harsh buzzing synth line. They say fuck in this one! And the way the entire song save percussion drops for the key line (I don’t know why I feel so tongue-tied/skinned alive) is so excellent. Interestingly, said line also appears word-for-word in Cuttooth, a B-side from Amnesiac, though the mood is profoundly different.
I suspect the song being named Myxomatosis and being pretty clearly about public perception and fame should give you a hint as to how the band views the media and the world of the rich and famous- the subtitle, (Judge, Jury, & Executioner), certainly adds to that. Thom sounds a mix of hesitant, confused, disgusted, and frustrated on the track, and it works incredibly well.
We’re finally on to the penultimate track, Scatterbrain. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t know what this one’s about. I’m out of patience to figure out what Genius is going on about, though it’s fairly incomplete for this track anyway. It’s relatively simple, for a Radiohead track, and pretty enough, but I can see why people don’t tend to like this one as much. I distinctly remember it being bottom of the list or close to it on a subreddit poll at some point (might have been above We Suck Young Blood, which I don’t agree with).
Scatterbrain kind of just has the problem of being a pretty decent album track, right between two of my favourite songs on the album. Which is awkward as always.
Our final song is A Wolf at the Door, and talk about a closer. Thom has described it as like waking up from a nightmare and finding out reality is worse, which is both relatable and upsetting. The song is grim, with confusing imagery in the verses leading to a desperately emotional chorus about someone’s children being fucking ransomed. Also, a bridge with more Nos than A Punchup at a Wedding, where are your No (x105) memes Reddit, get it fucking together!
The lyrics of the verses in A Wolf at the Door have a swaying flow to them that’s almost rap-like, especially since the falsetto that Thom usually sings in around this time is completely absent from them. This makes it one of the few rap-ish songs I’ve actually tried to perform, and I’d probably be pretty okay if I didn’t keep forgetting bits.
The song is just, frustration (verse 1), desperation (chorus), anger/frustration (verse 2), and back to desperation (chorus) again, which doesn’t quite fit the stages of grief cleanly, but that’s probably fine. The final vocalisation of the song (and thereby the album) feels almost like a sorrowful howl, which makes less sense the more I think about the imagery and intent of the lyrics, so maybe just ignore that actually. There is just so much imagery packed into this track, especially in the second verse, that listing it out is pointless- but it all just clicks so well, into this deluge of frustration and madness carried along by that instrumental that just seems to get lower and lower forever.
Anyway that’s the whole album, isn’t it? I’m going to keep this outro brief, because we’re approaching 3000 words at this point, but I think that fact says it all. There’s a lot of Hail to the Thief, but it never really misses per se. It has less great songs, but no bad ones. I’d argue my own biases probably cloud my judgement, but even if some of the tracks are more forgettable, the highs are so high for me that it easily stands among the band’s best.
Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with me. But that’s fine, this is my opinion, the rest of the world is allowed to be wrong.
A lot of things would happen between Hail to the Thief’s release in 2003 and the followup, In Rainbows, in 2007. But that’s ultimately a story for another day. A week from today, to be precise.
See you then?
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The hate Blackpink gets is driven by internalized misogyny and here’s why
Blackpink. Basically the biggest girl group on the planet and one of the biggest groups in general, dominating the charts worldwide. Blackpink’s comeback, “How You Like That” broke world records for most viewed video in 24 hours and debuted no.2 on the Billboard charts. I’m sure “Lovesick Girls” charted as well or the same. The first kpop group to perform at Coachella, Blackpink have collabed with too many western artists for me to name (actually, I could probably name them but I could care less about some of these western artists so I’m not going to). I mean, not really a surprise, Blackpink has been breaking records since their debut in 2016. There’s not even really a point in introducing them to you since there’s literally no way you don’t know who they are.
Now like many celebrities, the more famous you become the more hate you get. I hope everyone knows that this is just bound to happen regardless if your favorite celebrity has never done anything problematic and consistently produces bop after bop. However, BP get some of the worst hate I have seen towards a kpop group and most of it coming from kpop fans and blinks themselves. I’ve heard it from my close friends, from randos on stan twitter, and from locals. So, I have a bone to pick with y’all haters because I truly don't understand.
Let me start with saying that I’m not a blink. I’m kinda far from it. I like bp and I will definitely click on their stuff when it comes out but I am in no way shape or form an actual stan. I wouldn’t buy their stuff or cry over their achievements, though it does make me somewhat proud. But even though I’m not a blink, I find myself defending these girls whenever someone tries to start shit.
Ok, so from what I could gather from scouring the internet, harassing my friends, and looking through twitter, people hate bp for mainly these reasons: they hate Jennie, they think bp are overrated and overhyped, they “are not serving what they could serve” (yes, I quoted this from my friend), they’re basically models not idols, their fans suck, and BIG 3 privilege. There’s actually a lot more reasons that I found by looking at a “why do you hate blackpink?” quora thread but these are the easiest to tackle. I’m here to tell you that most of this hate if not all of it comes from misogyny. To be more specific, internalized misogyny because most of this hate comes from female kpop fans.
Disclaimer: I did not research which demographic hates on bp the most but from personal experience, it has always been women who share their distaste for bp. Ok, moving on.
I’m going to tackle the reasons I laid out one by one, hopefully well enough that you look back and see if the reason why you hate bp is out of just simple dislike for their music or because you hate women. There’s a big difference if you didn’t notice. If you get offended by this piece then that’s on you not me, just saying.
Ok, first reason. You hate Jennie? Is that so? May I ask why you hate her so much? What exactly has she done to you that you have such a strong hatred for her? Is it because she’s lazy? Because she’s not doing what she’s capable of? I need reasons. I really do need some reasons before I label you off as someone struggling with internalized misogyny. Jokes aside, I don’t see how you can hate someone you’ve never met. I think most of the time we forget that you literally don’t know these people. I don’t know my favorite kpop boys and you definitely don’t know my good sis Jennie. I could make a whole other piece on the fake images and personalities these idols have and how we eat them up but whatever.
Back to Jennie, you literally don’t know her. This whole Jennie is lazy argument is bs, pure shit if you ask me. You have no way of knowing what’s going on in her life. I’m pretty sure you’ve had bad days, bad weeks, maybe even bad months. You forget her job is draining, mentally and physically. She’s got dances to memorize, songs to memorize, fans to deal with and communicate with. She has a social media presence, she still has to practice and train (idols don’t just stop practicing once they debut). I know my body would not be able to withstand that no matter how long I trained; I’d drop dead immediately. The matter of fact is there are a ton of reasons why she wasn’t performing up to YOUR standards, which is a whole other can of worms since you’re probably on your bed doing nothing. It’s almost like y’all forgot sickness and fatigue is a thing.
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(this is just one of many videos where you can see jennie being “lazy”, let my girl live smh)
And even if the reason wasn’t a medical reason, you can’t let my good sis be lazy for once??? The thing is everyone acts like they’ve never been lazy in their entire life. You’re telling me you’ve never not wanted to do nothing for no good reason? Lies, you’re fucking lying. Ok so what if she doesn’t feel like doing the move with that much energy. Let her live?? All I’m saying is you’d probably survive 5 days in the kpop industry with your lazy ass. And don’t try to hit me with the “but that’s her job she has to perform at 100% all the time” because I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be failing your classes or pretending to be sick to get out of class. It’s the hypocrisy of it all. All if you had to perform the same song for a year, I’m sure you’d get sick of it too (fuck you YG).
The reason why you hold Jennie to ridiculous standards is because of your ~ misogyny ~. Yes, it’s showing. Especially if you don’t hold male idols to the same level as Jennie. Female idols on the daily are held to ridiculous standards when it comes to their performances. One hair out of place and all of a sudden the knetz come holding their pitchforks. Gfriend slipping on the stage, something caused by literal rain, is still laughed at to this day and mocked. Jang Gyuri on Produce 48 had a voice crack that was edited and replayed to death on the show, ending in her elimination because she couldn’t recover from it. Meanwhile male idols make a mistake on stage and it’s like “Omg, a babie! Omg, that’s so funny!”. I don’t think I can think of any moment where male idols got shit because of a stage mistake. If anything he’s just babied and posted on twitter. My point is female idols are always shat on no matter what they do. Jennie is no exception.
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(tell me why the fancam of gfriend falling has 15M views... for what? FOR WHAT)
Now the second point, bp is overrated and overhyped. Umm, so this point is a little harder to flat out say you’re wrong, mostly because it depends on your own personal taste. If bp’s music is not for you then it might be easy to say that they’re overrated since they’re literally the biggest girl group in the world. The nuances come with the reasons behind this statement. I’m not going to address if you just dislike their music, I can’t really change your opinion on that. I will however, address if the reason behind you saying they’re overrated is because their music sounds “generic” and you don’t think they’re talented, or if you don’t think they deserve their fame because of their small discography and short promotion periods.
The statement that all four of the bp members are untalented is just false. Wrong. W-R-O-N-G. Don’t mind me just spelling it out for you. Listen, to be able to debut you have to have some sort of talent. No one really debuts without any talent at all (for record yes I’m including visual as being a talent, sue me and leave hate idc). The only reason why someone with no talent would debut is if they had a HUGE fan base before debut and the company was trying to capitalize on it. I can name a few examples but I’m not trying to start shit. These fan bases could show up from predebut commercials, acting gigs, or reality shows. Blackpink had none of that, sure a few of them had appearances in other mv’s but I wouldn’t consider that abnormal in companies’ promotion tactics. Bp went through the typical trainee process. They passed the auditions, trained for a couple of years, and debuted. Now if you knew anything about the trainee process you would know that trainees have monthly evaluations. These monthly evaluations determine whether or not you can make it to debut. If you don’t show progress, then you’re getting the boot. So the fact that bp made it up to the final levels of evaluation and actually debuted indicates that these girls have talent, I’m sorry to say. Objectively, these girls can dance, sing, and rap. Maybe they’re not the best in the industry, I never said that but they are capable of doing all 3 things. Also they come from YG and as much as I hate YG, they’ve got trainees for dayssssss. YG’s status and income did not rely on these girls debuting, they could’ve picked anyone out of their 100 trainees they’ve got in the dungeon. If anything it’s way more competitive to debut in any of the Big 3 companies. It’s like picking the best of the best. If you’re saying these girls are not talented then maybe check yourself a little bit to see why you’re exactly saying that. I’m assuming you won’t be able to do anything better than them.
The other three points were that their music is generic, their discography is small and their promotions are short. Well, in that case say fuck YG? You’re really acting like these girls produce their own music, make their own choreos and schedule their own promotions. Like wtf? That’s what their companies are for? The way that everyone chooses to ignore YG and their staff and immediately put blame on the girls like they get to choose what they do is ridiculous. Now I know not everyone does this, but the amount of people I’ve seen say bp is overrated because of their discography is a lot. But y’all really out here acting like they make their own discography smh. Yell at Teddy? Yell at YG? I’ve been yelling at those mfers because they’re not giving bp what they deserve. There’s no surprise when I say what they’ve been giving bp is subpar in terms of choreo and vocal ability in songs. I know those girls can do so much more. I don’t even wanna talk about the pretty savage choreo. I don’t. But this is no reason to hate on them? It’s like if I hated a starbucks barista for starbucks having a pumpkin spice latte. Like ????
( i drew this myself :) )
Even the hate that they receive because they get sponsorships and ads makes no sense. You don’t want them to make coin? A huge part of what comes with being famous is brand sponsoring. Brands pay you to promote their stuff because hello, you’re famous. So the fact that you don’t want them to do this is first of all wack but also again you’re acting like these girls choose the sponsorships and choose when to go on these trips. YG. MFING YG. I don’t think y’all understand how much control these companies have over their idols. Company says drink water, you drink water. Company says stop breathing and you stop breathing. You do whatever your company says you have to do. That’s your boss.
So why don’t y’all start hating the producers, choreographers, and management instead. Why focus your hate on these four girls? I won’t spell it out for you again but I hope you get the jist. Most of the time it’s way more easy to attack the woman when she has nothing to do with anything. Society tells you to direct your complaints to the girl involved. You see a male celebrity start dating and who gets attacked? The girl. A girl gets cheated on in a movie by her boyfriend and who does she attack? The girl he cheated with. It’s internalized misogyny luv, yes I ended up spelling it out for you. For real, the girls just breathe and y’all scream at them.
Final point about the big 3 privilege and fanbase. You have every right to not stan a group because of their fanbase. What you don’t have a right to do is hate on them and leave nasty comments on their posts. First, that’s fan behavior. Second, if you’re gonna do this keep the same energy for people who want to do this with your group. I’m talking about every group because every idol group got some wack ass fans. You shouldn’t hate a group because their fanbase is annoying, they don’t get to pick and choose their fans. So, don’t be a hypocrite ok :) Now big 3 privilege. Ah big 3 privilege. Yes, it exists. There’s no denying it. Big 3 privilege doesn’t really die out in my opinion. For as long as they’re still active, bp will have big 3 privilege. But just with any other sort of privilege, if you have it might as well use it. Listen, if I was white you know I’d be eating up my white privilege I’m not gonna lie. Jokes aside, bp has worked extremely hard. Yes, they have the big 3 privilege but they still have to perform these concerts, shows, and go to these interviews and train. As much as you’d like to disagree with me, I think that it’s a very objective to say that they have worked hard.
I think it’s important to acknowledge how hard it is to get into these companies in the first place. You’re not born into it like a lot of social privileges people have. You have to audition. There are so many idols that have tried to get into these big companies but have failed. Now I’m not saying that these idols are not as talented as the ones that get into these big companies. Most of the time, these idols aren’t ready at the time of their audition and work harder on their own before trying out other companies. The big 3 get their trainees at very young age, which means these kids have to be either geniuses or show an incredible amount of promise. They’re the big 3 for a reason, they’ve been around the longest and have the most experience. They can see a future idol in the making relatively quickly. So yeah bp have big 3 privilege but they’ve worked hard, sacrificed their childhood, and get shat on just as much as your kpop idols. They’ve just got a fancy name behind them that doesn’t even make good choices promoting them anyways. It’s not a valid reason to hate them because of this, just saying.
Most of the hate bp gets is brought upon by the idea that our patriarchal society has ingrained in us. Women = bad, yell at them vs. men = good, don’t yell at them. We hate seeing women succeed. It’s as simple as that. Seeing powerful women dominate the industry they’re in scares us to our core. We don’t like it. I’m just here to bring light to it.
#blackpink#kpop#misogyny#internalized misogyny#rosé#jennie#bp#jisoo#lisa#blink#opinions#i have opinions#yall haters#yg#fuck men#jennie kim#lisa manoban#kim jisoo
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HERE’S WHAT YOU MISSED THIS WEEK (9.16-9.22.20):
NEW MUSIC:
Rise Against released their first new music in three years with a song titled “Broken Dreams, Inc.” The track will be released as part of the soundtrack for DC's new series Dark Nights: Death Metal.
Afterlife returned with a new single titled “Wasting Time,” blending nu-metal and metalcore elements. The band released their full-length record Breaking Point last year via Hopeless Records.
After dropping the track along with their album announcement, Lonely the Brave released a video for “Open Door.” Their upcoming album The Hope List will be released on January 22 via Easy Life Records.
Nova Twins released a new visual for their track “Play Fair.” The song is taken from the duo's debut album Who Are the Girls?, which was released via 333 Wreckords Crew.
ONE OK ROCK's Taka Moriuchi joined forces with Journey's Arnel Pineda to cover the latter’s classic track “Open Arms.” The Japanese band is preparing for their special stadium livestream titled “Field of Wonder.”
YUNGBLUD announced the details of his second full-length album, Weird!, set for release on November 13. The album will feature his brand new single, “God Save Me, but Don’t Drown Me Out.”
PUP announced a new EP, appropriately titled This Place Sucks Ass, which will be out October 23 via Rise Records. The band also released their new song “Rot” last Thursday.
Worlds 2020, the biggest League of Legends competition, released its theme song “Take Over.” The track features A Day to Remember’s Jeremy McKinnon, and solo artists MAX and Henry.
Broadside's Ollie Baxxter lent his vocals to a new track from Aim High titled “Better Than This.” The latter band also recently collaborated with Joey Fleming of In Her Own Words on the song “Drag This Out.”
Icon for Hire released a brand new song titled “Curse or Cure,” the first new music from the band since last year. Vocalist Ariel Bloomer explained that the song tackles issues concerning mental health.
You Me at Six released a music video for their brand new single “Beautiful Way.” The track is taken from the band's upcoming album Suckapunch, which is scheduled for release on January 15.
TOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Hopeless Records announced the details of “This is Hopeless (Kinda) Live 2!,” their second special livestream event. The event will feature acoustic performances from Fame on Fire, Doll Skin, De’Wayne and With Confidence.
2000 Trees Festival announced who will be headlining next year's event after the postponement of this year's. Headlining Thursday will be Jimmy Eat World and Friday is Thrice playing their album Vheissu in full.
Hasbro announced the details of Hasbro Pulsecon, a special interactive livestream. Fall Out Boy, Lights and Tenacious D will be performing, as well as taking part in special Q&As.
Boston Manor announced they will be playing a special livestream show next month from the Blackpool Tower. There will be three showings of the performance to accommodate the differing time zones.
OTHER NEWS:
Bring Me the Horizon and YUNGBLUD’s recent collab “Obey” hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot Hard Rock Songs Chart. It moved up eight places and replaced Five Finger Death Punch's “A Little Bit Off.”
Linkin Park’s album Hybrid Theory is now certified 12x platinum in the United States. It previously reached 11x platinum in August 2017 and features the 4x platinum song “In the End.”
Fall Out Boy and Weezer took part in a special celebrity edition of the hit game show Family Feud. FOB, joined by actor Seth Green, raised money for The Fall Out Boy Fund whilst Weezer were playing for Reverb.
Black Veil Brides’ Andy Biersack announced more details, including a release date, for his debut book They Don't Need to Understand: Stories of Hope, Fear, Family, Life and Never Giving In. The book is scheduled for release on December 8.
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Check in next Tuesday for more “Posi Talk with Sage Haley,” only at @sagehaleyofficial!
#sage haley#posi talk#yungblud#bring me the horizon#linkin park#a day to remember#fall out boy#black veil brides#rise against#afterlife#lonely the brave#nova twins#one ok rock#pup#broadside#aim high#icon for hire#you me at six#jimmy eat world#thrice#lights#tenacious d#boston manor#weezer
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mila & sunwoo reporting for duty !! okay so true story i’m writing this as my acceptance is getting posted ... and you guys’ welcome messages are popping in like crazy ?? you guys are fast ... i’m shook ! anyways, it’s so nice to meet you all ! i am mila, and i was here for a v v short time before w another muse but it was so uneventful we’re gonna skip over it lmao ? anywho !
the star of the show is mr. kim sunwoo, our film student at k-arts who eats food and gets scared in his free time ! if i’m being honest he .... doesn’t know what he’s doing at all, literally at all, but that’s what character development’s for !! i’m gonna put some info about him down below, and click for his profile, bio, socials, and the saddest plots page i have ever seen in life ( i had 5 minutes ok it’s a wip .... more is coming i promise >.< ) but anywho i’m excited to meet all of you and i will stop talking all of your ears off !! oh yeah ... and like this to plot with me !
i’m gonna quite literally skip over all his backstory because it sums it all up in the bio and if i start then i’ll never stop !!
but as a VERY short summary, sunwoo’s mom gave him up almost immediately after he was born because she was young & didn’t think she could care for him, sunwoo bounced through the system before eventually being placed with his permanent home & now adoptive mother, kim hyejin !!
and him being left as a kid & getting bounced from foster home to foster home really left a toll on him, and now he really craves clear acceptance and affection ?
sidenote kim hyejin is actually quite older, in her mid-60′s, so she looks more like his grandma than mom ?? which is ... confusing to a lot of people a lot of the time, and he gets tired of the questions but loves her to death ! i’m also so making it canon she looks like moon sook the actress because .... a BEAUTY ?? we stan aging gracefully !!!
he’s also hesitant to call her mom bc he has this undying faith he’ll reunite w his mother, even now so you’ll see him bounce between calling her mom & ms. kim !!
but not to spoil anything sunwoo will discover later but uh ... his relationship w his mom won’t be restored, at least not in the way he wants :((
but onto general sunwoo things !!
( and as a general note, if i refer to his “mom”, i’m referring to his adoptive mom, hyejin kim, unless stated otherwise ! i don’t want to confuse you guys ! )
creator of the channel “scream cuisine”, where he eats food while telling scary stories / conspiracy theories, and gives commentary !! definitely a paranormal enthusiast, with the unbothered energy of shane from buzzfeed unsolved w the hyperactivity of ryan ?? starting his channel def got him into making videos & he’s loved it ever since !
but more than anything, his biggest love is writing ! has a little personal blog where he writes random things spanning from poems to kpop album reviews lmao !! he wanted to be a journalist, but got into k-arts on the biggest whim ever after they apparently liked his video submission ?? so was like ok ... for now we’ll go with that !!
so currently he’s attending k-arts, and honestly finds it quite weird because he doesn’t really fit in w the passion a lot of the other students have for film ?? some of them are like v intense about it while he just sort of does it bc it’s fun ??
inherited a variety of skills from his mom ! these include painting, gardening, cooking, and a love for music ! so he can dabble a bit in all of them ! he’s honestly an overgrown grandma if we’re being honest, it’s what he gets for being raised a generation behind everyone else his age
he actually does love to sing !! ballads more than anything in terms of things he sings himself, but loves jamming to upbeat pop songs more than most things in this world !! he has a softer / higher voice, and though he has a really nice tone he has no professional training so he’s sort of just ... out here doing him ??
and see !!! this is the problem ! if you couldn’t tell already sunwoo literally has a thousand interests, and small talents, but none that really are screaming out at him ?? so his lack of intense passion for something is really frustrating ! he hasn’t been able to find himself yet and is constantly upset at himself for it.
if he knows you, sunwoo KNOWS you - he’ll be super friendly, always talking, etc !! though surprisingly, if sunwoo doesn’t know you he can become super introverted ? not because he doesn’t want to talk, but he is just more conscious of how he presents himself to you !
sunwoo def has chaotic tik tok boy energy ... he has been left with his phone for too long and his brand deteriorated bc of it ... i apologize if he just starts doing tik tok dances or makes weird references in the middle of serious convos it’s his coping mechanism
he does have a rbf but it’s so misleading ?? like this man is SUCH a soft boy and yet when he is zoning out he’s like 😡 but then u talk to him and he’s like 😊
also romance wise, he loves tsundere boys and strong-minded girls that are older than him ?? do i know why ?? i do not !! it just happened this way
he’s honestly so supportive, will stan everyone ?? and when i mean everyone, i mean yes even your random muse who walks past him one time without saying anything ?? he just has developed a v empathetic and loving personality despite his circumstance, and honestly kinda because of it ??
he loves video games, but unfortunately, he’s literally terrible on them ?? tried being a twitch gaming streamer before being gifted $1 by someone, only to have them send a message being like “u suck” so he was like ok wrong choice !!!
if i had to say the chance of sunwoo realizing his potential to be an idol, i would say 3.21%!!!! lmAO listen as much as he likes singing, and he likes attention, he just ... hasn’t really connected the dots ? he’d be the type to audition for fun but like ? he also does a lot of other things for fun he’s really not considering it as a thing for real yet ??
but !! he is about to start taking dance classes because he’s trying to lose this college weight so if anyone wants to help him or join him on this journey be our guest !!
oh !!! right he has a pomeranian named banana, but he calls her nana, and when i tell you this dog is his pride and joy he will never be prouder of anything more than he will be the day he adopted her ??? she’s 2, a diva, and bites him at least a few times a day but if you ask him he’ll say that’s her love language !!!
speaking of love ... phew this man is a lovebug !! goes though crushes like the flu - it comes fast, it hits him hard, and then goes away just like that. chances are if you know him he’s had a crush on you at some point of time or still do ? don’t worry i promise he won’t make it awkward !
anyway i feel like this was an overload of very chaotic information but sunwoo’s an incredibly chaotic overload of energy so !! very in character of me if i do say so myself ... i’m gonna let sunwoo speak for himself and hopefully we can get something going !! i’ve been so excited to bring him here & have been doing a lot of work so i hope he’s taken to well here !! i can’t wait to meet your muses :’))
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1. Name justdyingslowly obviously come on
2. Nationality Australian
3. Age 22
4. Birthday nnnah dont feel like it
5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) Libra/Scorpio cusp
6. Gender wamon
7. Sexuality very very hetero
8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) androgenous
9. What do you/did you study? Psychology (focus on sexology) and art.
10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I am disabled you think I can work ha sexologist would be awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fireman but Australias always burning
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11. Your birth order head first
12. How many siblings do you have? 1
13. Do you have good relations with your family? yeah dads finally out of his abusive relationship, nearing age 70 and his emotions and his sexuality are finally opening up for the first time and that makes me SO happy.
14. How many friends do you have? what kind of fucked up question is this.
15. Your relationship status relationshipped. Fiance? got the marriage papers in a drawer somewhere with the car rego but can’t be fucked filling them?
16. What do you look for in a SO? empathetic, mature, calm. Always open to discussion. Prefers to be blunt rather than secretive. Emotional age over 14 (incredibly fucking rare apparently). Puts an importance on context and understanding other views above all else.
17. Do you have a crush? Hellll yeah Crush on my partner and got a crush on a mutual friend of ours who don’t even know hes cute af hehe one day partners gonna accidentally spill the beans and embarrass me coz hes shit with secrets RIP me.
18. When did you have your first kiss? You think I can remember this bullshit? Its not that big a deal
19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? One night stand sex almost exclusively sucks. Just. SUCKS. Because neither of you know what the other likes and it ends up being an awkward mix of trying to please yourself while trying to also be considerate.
20. What are your deal breakers? Plugging your ears to anything that feels gross, uncomfortable or disagrees with you. How can you grow as a person without introspection? How can you mold what you think and believe without taking in other arguments and comparing them to your beliefs to see how they stack up? Its pathetic.
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21. How was your day? cute mutual friend had a fall this morning and were both worried about him. His back is bad and he’s getting a little older, he can’t be getting dizzy and having falls like that. other than that im anxious about seeing my gastro. He’s lovely but... specialists are specialists. Good at knowing what they know but not always great at listening.
22. Favourite food & drink you think im allowed to eat or drink? water and... foods a touchy subject.
23. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my side with a body pillow to grip so I don’t end up choking my partner in his sleep.
24. What was your last dream about? uuhhh...going to italy and being unable to get into this tiny basket boat properly.
25. Your fears does PTSD to medical shit count haha
26. Your dreams ... going to italy and being unable to get into a tiny basket boat thingy?
27. Your goals - get some sort of diagnosis eventually. Its been 3 years of trying and im tired. - get back to studying art part time for my bachelors. - pass JLPT N3. - go back to university for psychology. - do the dishes when I get home.
28. Any pets? two budgies. we also take care of any orphaned or injured birds.
29. What are your hobbies? feeling nauseous drawing writing a little bit im making a little gameboy game in C atm too
30. Any cool places in your area? i live next to a national park with waterfalls and koalas and emus and stuff
31. What was your last awkward situation? mutual friend made a comment on his chest i playfully smacked it (related to the comment) it was surprisingly hard “O-oh wow, thats... I didnt expect that” my partner laughed at me. it was awful.
32. What is your last regret? getting embarrassed at friends pecs stop making me think about it 33. Language/s you can speak english. N4 Japanese.
34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) of course not what the fuck
35. Have any quirks? Quirkless. I do wiggle when im happy though apparently.
36. Your pet peeves open doors.
37. Ideal vacation spend a months chilling in an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice
38. Any scars? internal? yes
39. What does your last text message say? peepee poopoo ustinky
40. Last 5 things from your search history how do i find this
41. What’s your [device] background? Sam Porter Bridges walkin around Sam Porter Bridges cuddling BB-28 Louise while he sleeps my chicken
42. What do you daydream about? all might
43. Describe your dream home an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice
44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion its a comforting thought having a parent-figure who cares about you and looks after all the big things you can’t manage yourself, but institutionalizing it runs a severe risk of becoming harmful cults. And it often does.
45. Your personality type me
46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done i saw the lost bunny that was on all the posters in the neighbourhood looked thin and patchy so i grabbed him to take him home. im allergic. sent me to hospital and I almost died.
47. Are you happy with your current life? feeling sick sucks and partners having a depressive episode but things are pretty good
48. Some things you’ve tried in your life living
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49. What does your wardrobe consist of? blacks, reds, whites and pinks
50. Favourite colour to wear? at the moment pink. Red is always comforting though.
51. How would you describe your style? mix between lazy alternative punk, teenager with band shirts and harajuku peach kawaii uwu
52. Are you happy with your current looks? kinda wish i was a bit shorter but what can you do
53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? bit shorter
54. Any tattoos or piercings? lol no PTSD
55. Do you get complimented often? by who? partner constantly, family haha are you kidding im australian so a friend’s version of showing affection is calling you a cunt and slapping your ass in public
56. Favourite aesthetic? all might
57. A popular trend that you dislike blocking because you disagree or find them distasteful. Ignoring all context to opposing thoughts and arguments. taking a personal feeling of disgust to mean something is evil. Blocking your ears to anything that isn’t a circlejerk of what you already think - and trying to isolate anyone who even just listens to something other then the noise of your sloppy dicks to have a thought of their own.
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58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with? The Machine by Low Roar
59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like. why wouldnt i admit i like a song
60. Favourite genre? probably enka haha
61. Favourite artist/band/genre? probably enka haha oh and tatsuro yamashita
62. Hated popular songs/artists? why the hell would I hate something like a song? I hate aspects of the music industry as a whole I guess?
63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 which playlist they aren’t all together in one place
64. Can you sing or play any instruments? piano, saxophone... uh... partners good at making music and playing shakuhachi
65. Do you like karaoke? no.
66. Own any albums? yes? many?
67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? no. but triple J, ABC Jazz and Classical. sometimes they even play final fantasy and JRPG music on classical which is pretty neat. -
68. Favourite movie/series? can i make this about games because then the answer is Metal Gear Solid
69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc ...shounen?
70. Your fictional crush/es if they’re over 40yrs old, male and happy and bubbily or grumpy and sad then there’s a big ol fat chance I wanna bone. Solid Snake from MGS4, All Might and pretty much anyone drawn by Tarou Madoromi.
71. Which fictional character is you? uh
72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so what does this even mean what language is this
73. Favourite greek god? idk hades seems chill
74. A legend from where you live that you like the story of Tjilbruke is funny and good. all Kaurna stories are good.
75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist? im in a big egon schiele mood atm.
76. Can you share your other social media? no i am incapable
77. Favourite youtubers? many
78. Favourite platform? not too high up. actually i like being a little lower than ground level in corners.
79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much
80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? look i just want to say that MGS4 is the best one in the series and Death Stranding is phenomenally engaging.
81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) these are all so goddamn definitive how can I pick? Oh wait the answer is One Piece
82. Do you play board/card games? I play DnD atm and know 15 yr old rules to Yugioh
83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? that shit dosn’t happen here
84. Favourite holiday golden week coz its a week also easter because thats when all the glucose based sweets come back
85. Are you into dramas? what kind
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86. Would you use death note, if you had one? no. thats called being a murderer.
87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? chill people out a bit. when people feel unsafe they get really depenfive and territorial and block their ears to everything, making in-and-out groups for themsevles that end up putting them in more harm.
88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? im disabled with a disabled partner. we arent funny sure we can survive normal everyday life when society is angled so sharply against us.
89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? id like to be a mimi spirit
90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? spooky time
91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? toshinori yagi
92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? anyone healthy
93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo that cursed one with the intense eyes and the hand
94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true im me im not me im pee
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95. Cold or hot? cold.
96. Be a hero or be a villain? both are distasteful ideas in reality
97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? i can’t do either partner speak sin bad puns and its hell, these both sound about equal
98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting. controlling time is eithe rmanipulative or lonely. shapeshifing is every other superpower at once.
99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death? both are deeply upsetting ideas
100. ….. or …..? jiji or ossan? generally Jiji, but ossans can be lovely too.
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Pick your favorite questions from the list.
i will do them all for u 0.o
1. Name cianna [see-ah-nah]
2. Nationality mexican irish german romanian hungarian french
3. Age 20
4. Birthday december 17, 1999
5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) sun: sagittarius; ascendant: leo; moon: aries
6. Gender female
7. Sexuality uhhhhhhhhhhhh idk but i will willingly kiss either gender
8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) /tagged/my-face or u could just google pictures of fat rats
9. What do you/did you study? I’m currently a sophomore nursing major!
10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I’m currently a microbiology TA and I love it :) My dream job would be something with animals, like a vet tech or veterinarian
11. Your birth order i’m the oldest!
12. How many siblings do you have? 2 younger brothers
13. Do you have good relations with your family? my mom was my best friend, my dad and i get along better now that i’m in college, my brothers and i get along pretty well & we’re staring to get closer now that they’re getting older n growing up n developing their own personalities lol
14. How many friends do you have? errrr idk this is a hard question. i have a lot of acquaintances but i’d say i have maybe like less than 10 real friends??
15. Your relationship status single :D
16. What do you look for in a SO? funny!!!!!!!!!must be humorous!!!!and sarcastic and a little weird w darker sense of humor so we can laugh n be dumb together!!!!!!! also i would like them to be kind to me and those around them bc mean ppl suck. also they have to like animals. also i would like them to be loyal and trustworthy and 110% in love w me. and for physical stuff idk kinda attractive but NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE like i personally don't really like the typically ‘attractive’ person???
17. Do you have a crush? currently in love w the cute chinese boy who lives across from my dorm room even tho i have never even spoken to him n he is totally unaware of my existence!!!!!!!! hahah oops :D
18. When did you have your first kiss? i mean technically 3rd grade i think but that doesn't really count so like maybe 16????
19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? i mean in the long term i would definitely like to have a serious relationship but at the moment i’m only into casual stuff bc my heart isn't ready to be broken again sknfkjdbnkjd
20. What are your deal breakers? errrr i’m not sure....cheating is a no no, ppl that are interested in fucking every single person they see is a turn off, DUMB PEOPLE like ppl you can't even have a proper conversation with bc they're so DUMB, and ppl who r mean/judgmental/arrogant
21. How was your day? ok! accidentally slept thru my math class but caught a glimpse of my crush across campus when he was abt to smoke a cig and i got chipotle n i online shopped a ton from shein
22. Favourite food & drink deep dish spinach pizza from giordano’s & orange vitamin water
23. What position do you sleep in? i fall asleep on my left side hugging a body pillow
24. What was your last dream about? ate a braid of hair and inside the braid was bacon
25. Your fears not going to make it thru nursing school, not being financially stable as an adult, not having a family of my own, probably more but those r currently top 3
26. Your dreams i don't have any idk....maybe having like a house of my own and having as many animals as i want?? and i would like a loving partner with a daughter of our own
27. Your goals survive nursing school and lose 40 pounds and don't die before my cat
28. Any pets? i have a dog named cherry Cola, a cat named Leto, and a betta fish named Perc
29. What are your hobbies? writing stories about people in love, listening to music
30. Any cool places in your area? in my college town??? NO it sucks. in my hometown??? Not really it’s a small lil village with only restaurants and parks. but at home i’m near downtown chicago so that’s cool i guess
31. What was your last awkward situation? the first thing that comes to mind is my FIRST and so far ONLY encounter with my crush. we live in the same dorm building and i was wearing my nursing scrubs and had no make up on and about to go upstairs to my dorm, and then i heard footsteps and i was like ‘hahaha what if its my crush’ AND THEN HE FUCKIGJNG appeared from down the hallway to go back to HIS DORM [which is RIGHT ACROSS FROM MINE] and i literally STARED at him, then threw open the door and RAN UP THE STAIRS LIKE I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME AND HE WAS LIKE SO CLOSE BEHIND ME I WAS JUST SO NERVOUS MY FLIGHT OR FIGHT RESPONSE TOOK OVER AND I FUCKING FLED I LITERALLY RAN AWAY FROM HIM I AHTE MYSELF SO MUCH IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!
32. What is your last regret? errrrr idk i regret a lot of dumb things.......
33. Language/s you can speak English n a LITTLE bit of Spanish
34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) i’m really into zodiac stuff and i have got to say they are pretty spot on in accuracy idk
35. Have any quirks? ummmm ofc!!i am the quirkiest person i know hajnjfxbkjx like if u asked my roommates/friends they’d probably be better at answering this than me bc i don't see anything abt me as quirky but they always tell me i am quirky and do weird things but idk man I'm just existing
36. Your pet peeves err idk currently its ppl that constantly brag about dumb shit
37. Ideal vacation somewhere warm with me + the ocean + the loml + unlimited alcohol
38. Any scars? yeah :D both emotional AND physical!!!!
39. What does your last text message say? ‘ok thats a more than fair statement’
40. Last 5 things from your search history how many carbs should i eat, chipotle bowl calories, is the grim reaper the angel of death, ceftriaxone adverse effects, red man syndrome
41. What's your [device] background? lockscreen is a peach-theme background i made and home screen is my weight loss goals
42. What do you daydream about? the characters in my stories.................and being skinny
43. Describe your dream home pretty brick house??? flowers outside??? 3 floors--main floor, basement and upstairs??? 3 bedrooms n 3 bathrooms maybe??? master bedroom has its own bathroom!!! and open concept main floor. big kitchen and very homey n warm all around. as for like an apartment i want something cozy and aesthetically pleasing and warm
44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion i don't have a religion but if ppl do have a religion then thats not my business
45. Your personality type entj but only bc i got 3% extraverted; i am very closely related to intj tho n i think i fit that one better
46. The most dangerous thing you've done uhhhhhh probably operating a vehicle while high out of my mind. definitely the dumbest thing i ever did 0/10 would recommend anyone ever doing that
47. Are you happy with your current life? its ok but it could probably be better. i want to be done w college and skip to the part where i have a successful career and my own home and i can lay up w the loml every night
48. Some things you've tried in your life alcohol???weed??gummy edibles....
49. What does your wardrobe consist of? sweaters/sweatshirts/leggings
50. Favourite colour to wear? black, maroon, peach, purple, gray, idk
51. How would you describe your style? oh jeez idk i wear whatever i want so like e-girl when i really try and basic white girl when i don't care
52. Are you happy with your current looks? no i hate everything about myself lol
53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? more freckles on my face....also be thinner n have longer hair
54. Any tattoos or piercings? my nose and septum are pierced!
55. Do you get complimented often? kinda by my friends but i always yell at them to stop so they don't compliment like as much bc they know i hate it but they still do it sometimes idk
56. Favourite aesthetic? i wanna be an e-girl yo!!!!!!!!!
57. A popular trend that you dislike nobody has a crush on me and i hate it
58. Songs you're currently obsessed with? pied piper by BTS
59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like. anything by BTS lol i used to like be embarrassed for how much i like k pop but now i don't really care lol #stanBTS2020
60. Favourite genre? rap/r n b/alternative
61. Favourite artist/band/genre? i listen to every genre except country sooooooo yeah i really like billie eilish, BTS, the weeknd, juicewrld, lil nas x, trippie red, post malone,
62. Hated popular songs/artists? i don't rlly like selena gomez or justin bieber or taylor swift
63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 only - RY X i.f.l.y. - Bazzi novacane - frank ocean jungle - drake bang! - trippie redd
64. Can you sing or play any instruments? no and no
65. Do you like karaoke? no but i like to sing along to songs when I'm alone
66. Own any albums? haha noooo i got apple music son
67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? errr RARELY i used to listen to r n b stations tho
68. Favourite movie/series? idk donnie darko?? i also just finished tharntype n that was really good. also i liked tokyo ghoul. AND GIVEN IS REALLY GOOD
69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc i like horror/scary/paranormal/funny movies and i like love stories in books
70. Your fictional crush/es danny phantom, ken kaneki
71. Which fictional character is you? uhhhh idk...
72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so frerard, ryden, taekook, mewgulf
73. Favourite greek god? idk they all kinda suck but maybe hades
74. A legend from where you live that you like i don't really know any:(
75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist? i like to look at art! i think van gogh is cool
76. Can you share your other social media? ig: ciannnna venmo: ciannnna
77. Favourite youtubers? i don't really watch youtubers but maybe shane dawson and emma chamberlain
78. Favourite platform? twitter
79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much time
80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite? i once played GTA5 that was fun!
81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) idk i don't really read anymore:/ i was into the hunger games and the twilight series when i was young. now i kinda read online manga and i really liked BJ Alex and killing stalking. and like for online books the unholyverse series, a splitting of the mind, the anatomy of a fall
82. Do you play board/card games? no but i like to play checkers and uno and cards against humanity
83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? nopee
84. Favourite holiday halloween is cool also christmas is alright bc gifts
85. Are you into dramas? i’ve been getting into thai boys love dramas lol sue me
86. Would you use death note, if you had one? um YES.
87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? everyone needs to be a little kinder and have a crush on me
88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? absolutely not I'm not physically fit and don't have useful skills
89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? vampire duh [or maybe ghost]
90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? i want to see my mom
91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? idk something cool ... i love the name Daisy
92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? idk probably kylie jenner
93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo idk the alien? 94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true -im very productive with my time management skills -my favorite color is purple -i don't get nervous when I'm alone in public
95. Cold or hot? cold
96. Be a hero or be a villain? anti-hero
97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? sing if i’m good at it but if I'm not good then rhyme
98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting
99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?immortal
100. ..... or .....? ......?
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I saw in one of your tags that you mentioned how 21 pilots made emo pretentious and im actually curious about why you say that (not hate i just never knew about them that much)
my friend you have asked me about a topic i am very knowledgeable and very angry about so prepare yourself for what you have wrought
it isnt just twenty one pilots but theyre just the biggest and most popular example
like. take my chemical romance in the early-mid 2000s aka the peak of emo. it was very melodramatic and theatrical, the way emo should be. there was a presence of “we are not like other people” in a lot of the songs, but it was never just that. it was more of a “we have been cast out and we kinda suck but thats okay.” one of the best examples of this is, ironically, i’m not okay.
take, for example, the opening to the mtv music video:
[Ray] You like D&D, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini and croquet. You can't swim, you can't dance and you don't know karate. Face it, you're never gonna make it. [Gerard] I don't wanna make it, I just wanna...
this immediately establishes the song as being about social outcasts and people who dont fit the mold. the fucking tag line of the song is “i’m not okay” ffs, that really tells you all you need to know about the song. but the important thing is it doesnt take itself too seriously either. the music video takes place in a private school, and shows scenes of the band members eating lunch alone, being bullied by jocks and preps, etc., but it ALSO shows scenes of frank putting swim goggles on in chemistry class and ray drawing on his test with a crayon and then licking it, and at the end they all ambush and beat the shit out of a guy in a mascot costume. all of this is cut up by text saying things like “if you ever felt alone” “if you ever felt wronged” “if you ever felt anxious”
do you see the juxtaposition here? the music video could very very easily be a fake deep bullying psa, but its not, because while theyre getting bullied and playing their music in a garage they are also, unequivocally, total fucking losers for obvious comedic effect. it is a very exaggerated and lighthearted version of real phenomena, which makes it more relatable to a wider audience.
the same can be said about the song itself. it has some pretty heavy and angsty lyrics (”i’m not o-fucking-kay”) but the instrumentals are punchy and energetic and catchy and gerard’s vocal delivery is very theatrical but also very deliberate and he still puts real emotion in the words. it sounds like its taking the piss out of not being okay, which is exactly what i as a clinically depressed 13 year old needed, and i bet a lot of other people can say the same. i’m a loser and thats okay. i fucking suck in school and thats okay. i feel shitty and thats okay. i’m not okay and that, in itself, is okay.
with twenty one pilots, on the other hand, there is no theatrics, theres no taking the piss, theres no over-the-top melodrama that made emo what it was.
take, for comparison, the opening lines of heathens:
All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse
and this presents, immediately, one of my biggest criticisms of twenty one pilots: their rampant appropriation of mental illness.
because my first thought when hearing this is as an abuse survivor and someone with ptsd they can kiss every single square inch of my ass.
Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're loving on the psychopath sitting next to you You're loving on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"
they try to do the same kind of nuanced poetic lyrics that my chemical romance did and in my opinion is just doesnt fucking work because they take themselves SO. FUCKING. SERIOUSLY. it sounds JOYLESS.
and the song closes out with this:
Why'd you come? You knew you should have stayed (It's blasphemy) I tried to warn you just to stay away (Away) And now they're outside ready to bust (To bust) It looks like you might be one of us
this is what i mean by pretentious. there is a clear separation of the person/people from whose point of view the song is told and the people the song is meant to be listened to by from the greater population, but theres no high energy or comedic self deprecation to counteract it.
now take some lyrics from heavydirtysoul, a song i actually really like the sound of, im not just shitting on this band bc its not to my taste yall:
There's an infestation in my mind's imagination I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement This is not rap, this is not hip-hop Just another attempt to make the voices stop
Nah, I didn't understand a thing you said If I didn't know better I'd guess you're all already dead Mindless zombies walking around with a limp and a hunch Saying stuff like, "You only live once." You've got one time to figure it out One time to twist and one time to shout One time to think and I say we start now Sing it with me if you know what I'm talking about
right back at it again with that appropriation of mental illness symptoms! and some dumbass critique of our generation that doesnt fit in with the rest of the song at all, closing out the verse with “we are not like you” shit. the vocal delivery at least has more energy than heathens, but the lyrics just feel like a mishmash of different points theyre trying to make that have nothing to do with each other.
the best line of the song is undoubtedly “death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit” but its poetic just... for the sake of being poetic? its one of those lyrics that sounds like someone came up with and was like “bro we gotta put that in a song” but then couldnt actually figure out how to fit it into a song in a way that would flow. another example of this is “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” in bring me the horizon’s can you feel my heart. not shitting on bring me the horizon, i really like sempiternal, but thats another line thats just poetic for the sake of being poetic. and to be put on t-shirts. i know this because when i was 12 i had a shirt that said “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” on it.
i could do more analysis on other mcr songs, namely welcome to the black parade and famous last words, but i would be here for literal hours and idk if people actually care that much.
to sum my points up:
they take themselves too seriously. they appropriate and romanticize mental illness (forgot to mention that top’s website, at one time, described their music as “schizoid pop” lol). they pull a lot of “We Are Not Like Other People..,.,.,,...” shit.
that last point is not inherently a bad thing, for example the new slipknot album is literally called “we are not your kind” but the song that contains that line as a lyric is all out life, and corey taylor is screaming that entire song and the instrumentals are reminiscent of speed metal with how fucking energetic they are. its edgy and its GREAT. twenty one pilots just sounds like they think theyre the shit.
also, and i want you to read the following sentence in a bass boosted voice to best understand how i feel when i say this:
the twenty one pilots cover of cancer is an embarrassment that completely misses the point of the original song and changed it into a weird amalgamation of lo-fi synth pop.
emo music is dead. thank u and goodnight.
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Obligatory promo stuff at the top because it sucks and I hate it and let’s get it out of the way! follow me on twitter where I’m active, check me out on spotify for music, or like my facebook for sparse updates on music stuff. Thank you. The Cover art is by Ellie Tison
Okay!! Last song!!
Well, I say last song, but it's more like “last song”. There is one more song that I used as an epilogue, but I'm not going to get into that, and honestly if you've listened to 13 tracks without being sold (why would you do that?) one more track isn't going to sell you on it.
And would you look at that, the last song is a reprise of the first song. Wow, it's like Sgt Pepper... that's so cool. Now it makes sense why I didn't bother talking about that first song right? Not planned btw.
This song was one of the first songs I wrote for this album. I said this for a few. Truthfully I did four or so around the same time and they were all great. I had a few more tracks in the oven as well. Everything was going great. I was like “wow this album's gonna be done in no time!” Anyway that was like three or four years ago. I guess that's how these things tend to go.
This is back when I was trying to make a bit more of a straight ahead rock/indie rock sounding album. I'm pretty sure I wrote this song on guitar, lyrics and all, which is honestly (and sadly) pretty rare for me these days. I had this idea for repeated backing vocals and a call/response sort of song structure. I'm pretty sure this more energetic version of the song came first. I originally wanted a sort of Lou Reed feel to it, but once I wrote that groovy dancy bass riff it immediately lost that feel. Once I started recording electric guitars I accidentally did a grungy “brrroww” at the end of the phrase and really liked it. I replicated it throughout the track and in turn lost even more of that Lou Reed feel.
In my original recording process I had a damaged patchcord. I didn't realize it at first because I was trying out some new equipment. I just thought it was really quiet. That being the case, I had to turn it up way loud to get a good volume and that's actually where some of the guitar tone you can hear (mainly in the one playing a melody-line during the chorus) comes from. I actually really liked it, I thought it sounded like Pavement. Actually, my Tiff did too and that's probably the nicest thing she's ever said about any of my music.
At some point I added more guitar tracks to the track to make it sound fuller, and also replace some of the ones recorded with a broken patchcord. I honestly kinda liked the original tracks, which still had a little bit of that 70s glam grittiness to them, but I'm far too neurotic about this stuff to really sit with that. In the end it sounded less 70s and more mid 90s. It had a sound that I've actually been trying to get for a while, though not on this track – the sort of fuzzy swirling guitars with a groovy beat and bassline to it. Tiff described it as being “Like those music videos where everything is blue and everyone's got really baggy pants”, which, again, big compliment. I don't know if that one was actually a compliment, but I'll take what I can get.
The song had its genesis at that same party I mentioned last time. There's nothing specific really. We had my album on and it's got a pretty fun cool first half. The people there were enjoying it, but then it gets to the second half and it's a little bit more mopey. It's also completely sexless and uncool throughout. That being the case, one of the guys there was like
“Sorry Con-dog, the vibes are just not working with this right now,”
and I was like,
“Oh don't worry about it, I understand dude,”
And then he was like, “Right on man. I’m getting fucked vibes from those guys over there. Here, hit this for me.”
And then I did some coke off a Pulp Fiction VHS tape.
I thought to myself, “man it'd be nice to have music that you could put on at a party”. Which basically was the whole idea behind this album, conscious or not. I don't really know if it succeeded, but there's definitely a certain kind of party where this would play, and honestly I don't think I'd mind being at it.
The album was originally going to be more centered around the idea of the character described in this track. I mean, obviously he's me, but I'm trying to detach myself and make things a little more universal. I wanted to explore all the different traits and behaviors that this one person has. Some of them being mine, and some of them being not. Honestly, it didn't really pull through to the end. There's a little bit of that in here, but it's mostly just songs. I'm okay with that. They have some thematic cohesion. It's got this song bookending the album. Wow, it's like Sgt. Pepper.....
The ending is a little bit embarrassing for me because I do a bit of a scream voice, which, honestly I don't think there's anything actively wrong with it, I just cringe when I hear myself doing it because it's like “ah oh god I'm doing that”. I don't know. There's also the fact that, well, one of the things I yell is the word “Wasteman”, which is a little bit of an outdated slang right now, but when I actually recorded the song it wasn't. Whatever, this is an insanely white album from a white kid. I figure a lot of people who enjoy this type of music haven't actually heard that word. I wouldn't have, but I hang out with Tiff's cool friends sometimes. Honestly I think it's a cool term. I think the most embarrassing part though is I copy-pasted it so it repeats twice because I felt like I wanted more intensity. I don't think it's super noticeable, but the idea makes it a little disingenuous. During the outro I wanted to add a little more of that “90s blue and baggy” feel, so I plugged in a keyboard and freaked out on the organ setting. I think it really adds a lot.
The slower version of the song was written afterwards and I actually cheat because it uses some of the same midi tracks. I was super torn between the more exciting sound that I had and my original “vision” for the song, which was a bit more downtempo Lou-Reed inspired. I figured, why not do both?
There's not a whole lot to cover here that I haven't already covered. Mostly the backing vocals, but only because I think I did a worse job with them than the other version. There's nothing outwardly wrong with them per-se, but I think the blend is not good and that's gonna immediately stick out to some people. The middle section just kinda came about because the other version doesn't really have a proper chorus. It just has some guitar noodling. I played around with the chord progression of the middle chorus in the fast version and made something that was a bit more structured, then adapted a melody around it. Harmonies grew out of the melody. I felt like something was missing, so I took that same call and response idea from earlier and applied it here too. I really liked the interplay between the two vocal lines. The “Purify me” line was originally supposed to come up again and again throughout the album. One of the tracks that ALMOST made it would have been the song it was from, and then there would be callbacks to the melody throughout the album. It was kind of like a motif. That was unfortunately completely scrapped and this is the last trace of it. Maybe I'll work the idea into something I do in the future.
I like this song. I realized way too late that it massively rips off The Velvet Underground's Sweet Jane. I guess that “Lou Reed inspired” idea was a little bit too literal. Fortunately I would say the middle section saves it from being too much of a copy. I think it's a good way to start and finish the album. I also like the thematic notions of this album starting with the same track it ends on. Like these things work in cycles and you're never truly free of your own quicksand. Like an Ouroboros eating its own tail, like Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. When one cycle ends, a new begins. The same, but slightly different – until it is completely undermined by the epilogue track that says “no this is actually the end”.
Hey congrats on making it through all of these entries! You may have only read this one, or even skipped to the end. If you did that, disregard that previous sentence and go back to read them. This album was the culmination of a lot of work and thought. 13 of these writeups was nothing compared to probably hundreds of hours spent working on this album, and probably thousands of hours thinking about it. I'm aware few people are reading these writeups, but it's honestly mostly my own indulgence. I gotta decompress this stuff and be free of this album. I can finally get rid of all this useless crap in my brain. I'll probably enjoy being able to go back and read this stuff once I've forgotten most of this, and once I've become a more mature person. I'll probably go “wow this shit is cringe. I can't believe he posted like 22 pages of cringe” but that's okay. The album's okay. I made for certain it was not, in fact, cringe before releasing it. And honestly I enjoyed writing these.
A part of me wants to get back to the freakish pace I had in like 2011 where this blog was nonstop content. I don't think it'd work so well in 2020 Tumblr because who even uses this site anymore? I think it's a little sad because it's pretty much the death of long form posting. Twitter is great because people pay attention to you, but sometimes I just want to write like two thousand words and have some psycho actually read them and respond to it. I think we've lost that on the internet. Sometimes I think of making youtube videos, but I'm no good in front of a camera. Sometimes I wonder, couldn't I just read something like this TO the camera? The answer is no, I can't. That'd be boring. I'm completely convinced nobody would watch that. I sometimes think that if I could add some editing and some visual component though, it'd work out. Some sort of... video essay. Some kind of... man with facial hair and left leaning politics who enjoys media and talks about both... Wow I wonder if that niche has been filled at all?
#music#songwriting#rant#music production#lou reed#pavement#indie rock#the fact that there's an epilogue that ruins the concept is also like sgt pepper
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this is another rant about my friend who i recently made a post about bc sometimes he does stuff and my petty self needs to vent about it
i went to start this off by saying that i genuinely do enjoy talking to and spending time with this friend, he just happens to do stuff that i find weird or he acts a certain way and it bothers me. again, he really is my friend, i do care about him, but every single person does something that we’re annoyed by lol
so a lot of the time whenever i ask him how he’s doing he responds with “i’m not sure yet” or “i don’t know” ya know something along those lines. well one time he said that and THEN he texts me “i don’t mean to change the topic, but [one of our other friends] isn’t feeling good and it would be good for you to reach out to her. i’m not trying to deflect my own issues but i don’t want her feeling poorly either” and i was like uhhhh ok like thanks for telling me and then he said “i know how i feel now. i feel fucking awful” and i was like oh uh why is that and he SAID “I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really don’t like when my friends feel bad and the same for when I can’t do anything to help them” (that is 100% word for word i literally copied and pasted it) and i was like...... dude... i said something like “well like you said you can’t help it so i wouldn’t feel this bad about it, especially when people just need bad days” then he quickly changed the subject lskdjfa
and he changed it by asking what i was up to so i was like “just watching videos” and he was like “what videos?” like... we are just not on that level of me being like “here’s an exact title of video i’ve been watching” you know so i told him “just some youtube videos, not much” and THEN he says “Alright, I get it, I’ll take the hint, have your privacy.” like......... i literally put down my phone and sighed like i’m SORRY i didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you i was watching “NYC cycling incidents compilation 6″ like idk what to tell you!!!!!!!!! and he’s done this before like he asked me what songs i’ve been listening to lately and i said something like “oh some new stuff i’ve found recently! stuff that i don’t really listen to tbh” and he was like “like what songs?” like...... normally i’m very happy sharing what music i’ve been listening to but!! (this will be another paragraph so i’m sorry) considering he doesn’t listen to the music i already recommend him i don’t understand why he cares!! and why does he need exact titles omg
okay this one has a death tw!!!!! so both him and i are ~mentally ill~ and we can relate on a lot of things that deal with that!! but sometimes... he takes it.. too far lol he jokes about death quite a bit and not in the typical sense like ‘omg i’m gonna die’ like... ‘i chose a history major bc if i can’t find a job to pay for everything i need to live i can just die slowly’ and it’s always super morbid and weird and kinda makes me uncomfortable especially bc he also jokes about my death :))))))) haha yeah!! fun!! like i told him that it sucks working but i kinda have to do it bc.. money!! it’s needed to survive!! and he went “Naw only if you plan to survive for any real length of time, death is cheap” and he always jokes about me dropping out of college and just making small jokes about me dying which isn’t the biggest deal for me personally but it’s also like... why are you saying that to your friend who has mental illnesses luv lol
he’s also lowkey stubborn? like sometimes when he’s not feeling well i suggest some activities to do as distractions and he shoots them all down so fast like i’ll suggest painting and he’s like “i can’t do that bc i have high standards for my painting and i know it’s going to be bad and i know i shouldn’t feel that way but i do” so i’m like... ok.... reading? and he comes up with another excuse and i’m like omg ok so taking a walk? and he has ANOTHER excuse so i’m like ok i understand wanting to sulk in your sadness but you have said that you wanted to get better but if you purposely do nothing about it why are you complaining about it to me :/
it’s also awkward holding a conversation with him bc he texts weirdly like... i’ve been making it more my language in these rants but the way he texts it’s not like “omg that’s hilarious” it’s like “Let’s see, right now I am doing nothing besides texting you and a few others. I am on a couch and not very active. For tonight, I plan to eat another meal today at some point, but other than that not much. And in life in general I have no idea but I’m gonna keeping for at least another 10-20 years and see how I feel then.” (that’s another copied and pasted text) like... he uses punctuation very carefully which puts me off and he phrases everything weirdly!!! and he says he wants to have a conversation with me when it’s good with his schedule and his “conversations” are just him interviewing me lol like he asks my favorite shows, movies, colors, books, but it doesn’t flow naturally, it’s just him going “what are your favorite movies?” and i answer and he goes “what is your favorite color?” like why are you interviewing me lol
okay about the music thing when i first met this friend he listened to ONE BAND..... ONE. when i asked him why he gave me a bullshit answer and he knows some classic, older songs, but VERY little. like idk why he didn’t know basic songs that are on everyone’s “classic hits” playlist SO i was like holy shit i’m making him a playlist of songs that he should know!! obviously it’s biased bc it’s songs i listen to and whatnot. i WRITE that shit out while also making it on spotify in case he makes an account or something. i make a key.. a LEGEND with different colors meaning different things i put fucking washi tape on that thing and i hand it to him and i can 100% tell he is not interested. but i give it to him anyway and WEEKS later (like over a month later) i ask him how much he has listened to and he said he didn’t listen to ANYTHING so i’m heartbroken like that fucking sucks to make a playlist for someone, introducing them to new music that you personally love and they literally don’t give a fuck lol so i went “...oh..” and bring out my phone bc i’m 1) pissed and 2) very sad that he did this and he can totally tell that i’m upset so he’s like “well... the list is in my room but i did take a picture of it so i can start listening to it” and i was like hmm ok and lowkey ignored him well i told my friend about this and she was APPALLED she was like “omg fuck that what’s the name of it” and i renamed it to her playlist on spotify and that was the only thing she listened to for weeks on end and she constantly complimented it so i love her omg and i can 100% guarantee that he has still not listened to all of it lol oh well!!!!
#this was loooooong#long post#j friend#let me know ur thots#also again he is my friend lol#he just does some things that suck!!!
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Survey #253
hope everyone is staying safe through this quarantine. wash your hands.
Which band do you have more music of than anyone else on your computer? Ozzy. Who’s your favorite philosopher? *shrugs* I don't know any's ideals well. How old were you when you learned how to read? I'm not sure, but I know I was exceptionally young. What’s the coolest Halloween costume you’ve ever worn? I don't think I've ever worn something rather cool. Who’s your favorite painter/artist? If we're talking about well-known, "popular" artists, I'm not sure. Maybe DaVinci. What’s your favorite song lyric- ever? ARE YOU??????????? FOR REAL?????????? Holy FUCK I get goosebumps from lyrics SO easily, this is like impossible. Probably an Otep lyric, though. I really don't like her personally, but goddamn can she write. What’s your dream tattoo if you don’t have it already? I've linked it before, so I'll just remind it's "Denialism" by deviantART's NukeRooster on my entire, upper left arm. I've already gotten her permission (I don't like just... stealing artwork to put on my body), now just comes the day I can pay for it by a top-tier pro. What’s the coolest screen name you’ve ever had? I don't think any have been necessarily "cool." Who do you think was the most badass serial killer? (Real life.) I'm not well-versed in serial killers honestly, but I can say Charles Manson was a C A S E. I think we can all admit he was... interesting. Just the epitome of weird. Most badass fictional serial killer? ig Jason; again, I don't know a lot off the top of my head, but I like him. How many bank accounts do you have? I don't have one. Have you ever been falsely accused of starting drama? Yep. Have you ever found a song that describes your whole life? Parts of it, sure. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive a car, but Mom's is a... Honda? Kia? Idk. I'm bad with car brands. What kind of car would you like to have? Average size, pretty simple. Burnt orange or red. I know I want one of those screens you look into to see what's behind you when backing up. Have you ever been to Dairy Queen? If so, what’s your favorite thing to eat from there? mmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So unhealthy, but I will destroy and Oreo Cupfection. Try. That. Stuff. Their milkshakes are also great. Which website do you email from? Outlook. Do you enjoy receiving souvenirs? Sure, it's nice. Have you ever had the flu? No. What about strep throat? Maybe once? Do you normally have a lot of homework, if you’re still in school? Kinda, yeah. Did you ever enjoy gym class? Fuck no. Even when I was healthy. What is your biggest insecurity? My body. Have you ever painted a room alone? No. How many huge secrets do you have? Huge? Uhhh, none, I think. Have you ever painted something and been impressed by it? Yes. Would you rather go out to eat or stay in? I prefer eating out because yummy food, but considering I'm working on losing weight, I avoid it. Do you have any younger siblings? One. Have you ever considered bleaching your hair? To the point of being snow white. Considering my hair is super healthy and bleaching so heavily would destroy it, I'll be avoiding that. I DO want to bleach my hair to do other colors, though. Brown hair sucks. Do you drink vitamin water? No. Are there any old movies you absolutely love? Oh sure, a good handful. The Outsiders probably tops it. Have you ever had a Big Mac before? No, doesn't appeal to me. I don't like veggies on my burgers... despite eating veggie burgers when I was vegetarian lmao. Do you think you attract the opposite sex at a reasonable rate? I doubt that. Have you ever filed a lawsuit on someone? No. Do you enjoy reading often? I'm finally back into it!! Lately all I've been wanting to do is READ READ READ. Have you ever had a deadly illness? Well, I consider depression (among other mental illnesses) to be very deadly, but on a literal level, no. I mean I have dormant MRSA, which can kill if active, but it never has been. Most people carry that dormantly anyway, if I remember correctly. Ever had food-poisoning before? No, thankfully. Where did you last eat dinner at? Mom bought Nicole and me Sonic. Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground & carried you? When I fainted, yes. Are you a flirty person? Not really. A name you hate with a passion? Edward, to name one. Erwin. A lot of old names. What is your favorite type of water (ex. arrowhead)? Essentia mmmmmmmmmmmmm,, Have you ever been to Warped Tour? I WISH. :( Do you know anyone who wears fur? I fucking hope not, because I wouldn't associate with them anymore. When was the last time you were on myspace.com? Damn yo, millennia ago. How often do you cuss? Too much. I mean, I don't even believe "profanity" is a thing by our definition of "that word is magically bad," but still, it's like when people say "like" too much. Have you ever cussed out a teacher? No. What did you think of the movie Juno? I never watched it. How often do you eat meat? Sigh, more than I wish. What grade did you meet your best friend in? We didn't meet in school. Last time you cleaned your room? Couple days back. I'm honestly bad at dusting regularly in here, but that's gotta change with Mom having chemo now. Her immune system will be compromised so this house needs to be as pristine as it can. When you were little, would you have rather watched Cartoon Network or Disney Channel? Disney Channel. We weren't really Cartoon Network kids, actually. It was Disney or Nickelodeon. Do you shave your arms? No. Are you a big fan of the Harry Potter series? Never read a book, never watched any movies; the first one was playing in my presence once, but I paid no attention. How often would say you pulled all-nighters, if you ever do? Shit man, never, nowadays. I don't think I've had one for two years now. My youth is escaping. Has a friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend ever had a problem with you for any reason? I don't think so. How many times a day do you find yourself cracking your joints, if at all? Maybe not even once a day. Only my big toes and upper back can pop. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? No. Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side? On the side. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Mom. Do you have a dog? Not anymore, thank fuck. Do you like orange juice? Yes. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister? I never liked it. They're not inclusive at all towards fucking NORMAL bodies, nevermind plus size. Apparently even their rules on looks for workers are absolutely horrible. Ashley liked them though, so sometimes I just had to go in with her. If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? My goth could finally E S C A P E. How do you/did you get to school? My mom drives me. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Four times that I remember off the top of my head. What candy cane flavor is your favorite? MMMMMMMMMM get the pink Starburst kind. Do you get angry when fast food restaurants mess up your order? It's annoying, yes. Angering when you've already driven away, especially when you really wanted something. What was your favorite elective class in high school? Art. Did you ever wish you could be homeschooled? Yes. I was homebound for a little while. Have you ever had a dream so realistic you could’ve sworn it happened? Yes. Do you have any mental disorders? I'm a walking mental disorder, lmao. Y'all know the biggies, and now ADD and especially DPD (dependent personality disorder) are being considered. Do you feel comfortable talking about these disorders, if you have them? Yeah, I really don't care. Where did you go on your last field trip? I want to say to a band competition in high school. Are you able to agree to disagree? Or do you have to have the last word? Yeah, pretty easily. Is there a cover song you like better than the original version? A whole lot, actually. Do you have a hard time talking about sex with the opposite gender? I have a hard time with anyone. Have you ever had major surgery? Major, no. Is there any food you don’t like that a lot of others do? Here in the South, everyone is most surprised when they hear I hate fried chicken. What was the last thing you bragged about? Hm. I'm not sure, actually. I don't make a habit out of doing that. Can you do a backflip? Hell no. Are you listening to anything right now? I have a video up of relaxing tracks from Silent Hill 2 + 3. Great shit. Has anyone ever tried to tell you you were adopted? No. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Two, but one's just the closet door. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? No. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yes. Do any of your friends have children? Yep. Is there anything you’re craving right now? Not really. Who got married at the last wedding you attended? A family friend. It was the second wedding I shot. Is happiness something to be achieved and sought after or is it something to be retained and held onto always, no matter what happens? The former. You can't just stay happy when, like, your grandma dies. What gives you a peaceful feeling? Nature. Hearing water and birdsong, specifically. Are you a Toys-R-Us kid? Hell yeah I was. My sisters and I would go crazy if we had the chance to go there. We were SOOOO upset when it closed down. If you believe in Heaven, are there separate heavens for different animals (kittie heaven. dog heaven, bird heaven, etc)? I don't know if I believe in a "heaven," but some sort of peace after death, yes. I believe it's one, unified "heaven." When you sleep next to someone do they fall asleep first usually or do you? They always do considering it takes me ten years to fall asleep. If they do, do you watch them sleep? I have. Not in a creepy way, but rather a "wow I love this person" sorta way. What is your usual breakfast? Usually apple and cinnamon oatmeal What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? They're nothing special. The salt is a blue ceramic, and the pepper one is just what you get from the store. Have you ever had your car towed? I've never had my own car. What band or singer do you believe started rock and roll? I'm pretty sure Elvis is given that credit. Whose voice irritates you like fingernails on a blackboard? The female singer of Mother Mother's voice. Mom and I can't stand her singing. All I songs we enjoy feature almost solely the main singer. I can *tolerate* it in some songs, but. What do you contribute to society? Ha. Do you take naps? Almost daily. Do you have any cavities? Not to my knowledge. Do you believe that there has been a man on the moon? Yes, though I do believe the "first" landing was faked in competition with Russia. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm so serious, look into the theory - there's incredible evidence. Would you ever go into a sex shop? I'd be too self-conscious to. I'd just order online. Let’s just say your school team is on a winning streak. One of the cheerleaders cheers both for your team and the other team during games. Does it make you angry? I don't care enough about sports to even consider how I'd feel. Do you prefer carnivals, festivals, circuses, parades or faires? To be real, I only know the difference between parades and circuses. What even distinguishes the other three from each other. Do you believe in psychic ability or is it a sham? I lean towards no. What is your favorite classic rock song? You CANNOT ask me this question. Classic rock is some of the best music there is.
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1 to 40.
Okay first off, who the fucking hell sent me all fourty questions. For the love of–ugh okay I’m stopping now.
1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.
I don’t just have one fave tho. I have lots and well I generally have good vibes and feelings towards them? There that’s my answer.
2: Talk about your first kiss.
Ugh well this goes into the story about my ex/esbestfriend and shit. I’ve mentioned it selectively here? Anyway, uh yeah high school. Both of us naive and stupid and well we kissed one night. I’d gone on vacation with her to Virginia and stuff so yeah. I try to block out those times so I don’t remember a lot of the details.
3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.
I wouldn’t say I’ve had that feeling yet? Even when I was with my ex, I never felt intensely romantic about it. So, hopefully one day I’ll get that feeling with someone.
4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.
Not having a better kind of job? Does that count? I dun like to dwell on regrets too much.
5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.
I liked my 16th cause a lot of my buds from high school got to come and stuff. Most of my birthdays now are good too, it’s just I know in my head I’m another year older? And I don’t look it but I feel o l d.
6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.
Any from when I was a chubby child at my grandparents pool. Ugh those pictures…
7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.
I’m introverted, shy, and overall I don’t have confidence about myself a lot? Like I can put on an act at work most of the time but, still. I’ve never been a confident kind of person though.
8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.
Some of these are very vague. But, okay. Um, I’m proud to be my photo lovin’ and cosplaying self? I dunno.
9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.
My hair, I used to hate it. Mostly cause being a small redhead child sucks going through elementary and middle school. I love my hair now? But yeah took a while I suppose.
10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.
What kind of fight? Uhhhh…I’ve never been in a physical fight. Even though I do threaten to punch and kick people a lot.
Fighting customers at the store about coupons? That’s like all the time. Or about other things cause they wanna bitch for some reason. I can’t really think of anything else…
11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.
I dun remember my dreams anymore, really. I know you can like write them down when you first get up but I’m too lazy. As a kid I’d remember them though.
12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.
As a kid I would have this recurring dream about running around the track for gym or something weird? There was something in the dream going on other than that causing me to wake up scared a lot. I was young so it could have been for multiple reasons.
13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.
I haven’t…done it…and well I’m kinda’ scared to get that physical with someone actually. Like I want to be with someone but I dunno.
14: Talk about a vacation.
I just went on one last month? Mountains, fun stuff. Or well supposed to be. I was missin my dog and well I just didn’t have a great time. No particular reason, but yeah. Food was good, ate too much.
15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.
When my dog was alive and well for one thing. But other than that, I dun really know…sorry.
16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.
I go to a lot of family parties? Dunno if those count. But there was this one new years where I was with my cousins, videoing them all drunk off their asses. They’d found these stray cats outside and were cuddling them, kinda’ funny.
17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.
I typically like to get to know and befriend those I roleplay with on my other blogs. Especially if we have one or more threads or our muses just interact a lot.
But I’d like to be friends with lots of people, but as I mentioned I’m introverted and shy so that doesn’t always go my way.
18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.
…I got picked on cause of my hair?
19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.
Like I said previously, that. Also I threw up on a important test once and no one ever stopped talking about it. So that was just…great.
20: Talk about something that happened in high school.
I met a lot of my friends? Some I’m still friends with today.
21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.
…This wasn’t but last year. Anyway, there was this guy I’d gotten to know better after going to AWA. He rooms with another friend of mine. Well he apparently liked me or so he said but I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or what when he said anything to me. Basically, turned out he didn’t have a lot of time to go on a date or even just hang. Also, I really couldn’t think of him as anything but a friend? So yeah I kinda had to turn him down…
22: Talk about your worst fear.
Bugs? Bugs. Bugs.
23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.
So like I said up a bit, the guy I turned down is rommies with another friend of mine. We went to high school together and stuff and well one time i idiotically told him I liked him or I had thought I did. But basically nothing happened so yeah that’s getting turned down.
When I first started at my work there was this other bagger (at the time I was still bagging). I liked him, but every time I suggested hanging out outside the store he kinda blew me off so yeah that too.
24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.
When I get compliments on my cosplays? That work?
25: Talk about an ex-best friend.
*laughs sarcastically* I don’t have good opinions of her now so I’d rather not say. She’s mentioned up top on this thing.
26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.
Sleep, tv, laze around, not eat well, take meds when I can. If its my sinuses I sometimes have to suffer though it. I get a lot of sinus infections cause of my sucky allergies.
27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.
…I don’t have an answer for this really.
28: Talk about your fetishes.
Again, don’t really know.
29: Talk about what turns you on.
I like people that I get to know well, does that count? I mean I see things and I’m like yes that gets me, but then I never exactly remember all what they are? If I see it and I like it there.
30: Talk about what turns you off.
Smoking and or drugs.
31: Talk about what you think death is like.
Well, my dog die this year. I’m still not managing well really, don’t know if I ever will. But anyway. A release? Like in my dog’s case she was in pain and it got to the point where we couldn’t do more for her and also she was ready? Like I could tell. So yeah kinda like a release. But still lonely a bit I think.
32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.
My aunt used to have this house we’d have a lot of Christmases at, but something happened and they had to move out. The land around all those houses got bought or something. It was always nice over there and honestly it was the best place she and her family ever lived.
33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.
Cry or hold in tears till I’m somewhere safely hidden to cry. I’m a very negative and angsty person so I give off a sad vibe a lot.
34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.
Breaking my foot also leg cramps.
35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.
Buying too much stuff off etsy? Even though I love doing that…and don’t need the stuff.
36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.
Well, okay. Anime/video games, books, movies/tv shows, photography, cosplay.
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.
Well the ex. At the time I was young but I realize now it never was love at all. It was simply something that shouldn’t of happened…we still would have drifted apart I think as friends.
38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.
@thathipsteremperor hey mickey cause of this thing they always send to my mikleo muse and then at work what to they play on the radio? hey mickey.
@seikkun bad romance and sinead cause of our muses.
@fluttersheep any ghost songs honestly cause they are the reason i like the music now
39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.
Not to buy useless junk at some of the early cons I went to. It’s late I’m tired and can’t come up with any better logical answers.
40: Talk about the end of something in your life.
Okay the ex thing again. But, uh, it got to the point someone else was asking them out and we had to hide our thing we had going on. She outright asked me if she could date him? and well yeah that basically ended it along with a nasty phone call.
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so the other day was the anniversary of my friend’s death and i realized there was so much i didn’t process there like at all.
i can barely even remember what our relationship was. he definitely wasn’t a close best friend or anything, at least. but the line between acquaintance and friend is blurred. like, i didn’t exactly hang out with him. but it’s not like i was really hanging out with anyone at that point lol.
so i see his closer friends (also my friends) post something on facebook sometimes and i am like huh am i entitled to that? was i close enough to him or would posting be attention seeking?
i mean there isn’t anything i need to post or anything but thought that was an interesting thought. especially knowing my friends who knew him really wouldn’t even be the type to gatekeep grief anyway but like i said just a thought
gosh i barely even remember him and that’s so awful. like the day i found out he died, we all posted about it and so my memories are only the ones i wrote down in that post. they were nice memories, but i hate that my brain has deleted so much of my life
anyway can’t believe it’s been 5 years!
i think about him a lot, actually. not all the time, but more than i would expect
one thing i thought about this week was how traumatizing finding out was. because we all found out through a mass email to the entire campus. heartbreaking, probably the worst way to find out. i don’t really blame the school for that or anything, it’s not like they have a roster of all your connections or anything lol. but that doesn’t make it any less sucky
i remember i was texting a friend and maybe she was the one to read the email first? but either way i remember us being like, hold on, are we reading this correctly? our friend had a decently common name, so on a large campus, could there have been someone else with his name? but no. he was ours.
i remember i was in the dining hall getting food right before work. i was in shock. i don’t remember if i cried then and there, but i definitely cried at work. i don’t really know why i didn;t just not go to work. probably i didn’t even know who i would talk to about it. besides, what else was i supposed to do? it’s not like there was a guide to how to react when you find out your friend is dead via campus email.
i remember walking to my dorm after my shift. for some reason i worked on the opposite side of campus than i lived lol. i was probably cold and tired and dirty and wet from working in the dish room. i was listening to music as i walked. as i walked up the steep hill (almost home!), the song lifegoeson by noah and the whale came on shuffle. there’s a verse about the singer’s “last night on earth” and having no regrets or something. and wow i think i probably just bawled right then and there knowing that it had literally been my friend’s last night on earth the night or 2 before.
when you looked at his twitter, that night (or sometime in the days before), he had retweeted a bunch of tweets saying “i could really use a hug right now.” i don’t think i had seen it at the time, like i don’t think i used twitter every day or anything. but to look back at that is so stinging. like, one of those cliche moments wondering if you could go back into the past and change something. like if i had seen that and reached out to him, would he still be alive today? and really who knows. and who knows, maybe other friends DID see, and DID reach out. it’s not really something i spend a lot of time guilting over or anything. but it still is really something to look back at, the cries for help immortalized on the internet.
his twitter account was later hacked and became like a porn bot account which was also just devastating. luckily i think those tweets got deleted, but the profile picture and the bio still remain. and his old tweets too, like i said.
there’s also a message he sent me a few months before he died inviting me to a party, which was so kind. and literally the day before he died, he sent me a cat video. or maybe it was the night he died. the link is dead now, so i don’t remember what the video was. there’s no response. i don’t know if i ignored it or if i just didn’t check twitter.
maybe he was trying to comfort us through his death. in retrospect, i guess i really was a friend if i was one of the people he reached out to in those final hours
his death was right before finals too. which meant we were all totally fucked, i was already tanking a lot of my classes as it already was. i ended up taking an incomplete in one and finishing the next semester. i am sure many of my friends were in similar boats. the friend who passed was actually about to graduate. he was 24. i must’ve been 19 at the time, almost 20. he seemed so much older. i am 24 now, so lol.
the reason i was struggling so much before this was that my cat had died about a month prior. he was my entire world.
i couldn’t imagine life without my cat. i can’t remember when i started feeling suicidal myself, but my friend’s death definitely exacerbated that feeling. i think i felt like he beat me to it. and i didn’t want people to think i was a copy cat either. but every time i cut through the fine arts center i’d stand and look over the edge and wonder if it was high enough. i really don’t think it was LOL. but i was in so much pain.
what helped was my advisor slash professor. i had emailed all my professors about the deaths just to give them a heads up if i was missing class or assignments or whatever. and i remember i typed something like sorry, i am just having a really shitty semester. and she replied and was like yeah no that’s an understatement. and she invited me to like hang out and chat and eat donuts and i felt super awkward and anxious about the whole thing but she was so kind and helped me get through some of the professor issues i was having. plus the donut. that ended up really jumpstarting our relationship and she was so important to my college career.
i knew another person from that same group who also died. i was not as close to her, but was of course still sad to hear of her passing. and it really speaks to how trauma can kill you, i think. most college groups do not lose two people. while they are still in college. there’s a photo of us from a house party and it’s weird that there’s i don’t know 10, 15, 20 people in the photo and 2 of them are dead.
these are things that i haven’t told anybody. because who could i tell?
like i could talk about my friend with our mutual friends, and we did right after he passed and stuff but like at some point that ends. and then i’m not really in close contact with any of them anymore. i would be happy to talk to any of them, don’t get me wrong, but i’m not about to contact these people out of the blue.
and anyone who didn’t know him wouldn’t know
and my cat too. i feel like that’s not as shareable of a grief. like society says that’s just a cat. and it was only a month after losing him that i lost my friend, so i was still grieving my cat when it happened. but now my friends all had their own grief and i didn’t want to divert the focus on my friend to be like hi i also am sad about my cat? that seems weird. the word that came to mind was selfish, and i don’t think that’s the correct word in this context. but it does just feel inappropriate.
then to go home at the end of the semester to an unsupportive household while weighted down by two huge deaths. i think i told my mom i wasn’t going to talk to her about my friend (what could i really say anyway). idk she’s the last place i would go for comfort.
and she made grieving the cat horrible. i don’t remember but i think she made it all about her somehow. like how she found the body and bla bla bla. i don’t remember.
the grief of both of these deaths has been bottled for 5 years.
something else i remembered: they set up group counseling for me and my friends. and so i went. i wasn’t too keen on counseling, but i think i was just in shock still and figured it would be good for me. and good to be with friends, whether for my sake or theirs.
so it was run by this lady. this horrible lady. the lady who sent me to the hospital for no fucking reason. so i was like holy fucking shit!!! but once again i think i was kinda in shock, like wtf was i supposed to do, just walk out and make a scene? so i sat there. and she sucked lol. i smiled at one point. i have no idea why i smiled. it was unconcious. maybe i remembered a happy memory, maybe it was just a nervous response who fucking knows. either way she called me out on it and was like why are you smiling? now i think it is rude in general to just call someone out like that LOL but this just so happened to be a very specific trigger of mine from high school days. so i think i literally ran out of the room. one of my friends followed me and talked with me out in the staircase. i know i didn’t go back, but i can’t remember if my friend went back or not. i think i felt bad having her comfort me over some dumb thing, instead of getting counseling herself, but she was definitely like nah that lady sucks. someone i think said the lady made a comment about me leaving too. idk. anyway she’s an ass.
unrelated, kinda, this lady taught the intro to social work class which i really wanted to take but i was like hell NO. luckily one semester they got someone else to teach it. it sucked in a totally different way LOL.
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