#deadpool quotes

[societalenemynumberone]

Deadpool quotes but with my Lucifer's older sibling!reader idea-

Reader: [First day in Hell, in the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this woman?

[holds up a bad crayon drawing of Charlie]

Sera: You've been warned, Reader. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will be coming with us

Reader: Look, Sera, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now

Alastor: Do you have off an switch?

Reader: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?

Reader; [after finding out about Charlie's existence] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns

Charlie: Feeling a bit lonely?

Reader: Only sometimes when I'm by myself. Or other times when I'm with other people.

Reader: [First ever conversation with an awe-eyed Charlie] You're probably thinking, "My dad said that his older sibling is the second most just being in all of creation, but his sibling just turned that guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be just, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, that was a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a family love story.

Reader: [to Sera] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners in the Lord's Kingdom with some creepy, [points to Adam] Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, [points to Emily] I'll send her shiny, happy ass a friend request

Reader [Helping in the second extermination]: Daddy needs to express some rage.

[starts firing their guns]

Reader: Listen, Angel, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the hotel - right next to the answer for getting out of a soul contract. Good luck.

Angel Dust: [Grinning] You fucking asshole

Alastor: Morningstar!

Reader: How can I help you? Besides luring women into dark, creepy basements.

Reader: [Just learned how to use a phone, looking at a text from Angel] What is that?

Husk: That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long

Sera: I've given Reader every chance to join us but they'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will they grow up and see benefits of joining the Angelic Council?

Emily: Which benefits? Commiting genocide for amusement? Or the Angel that falls every few decades?

Sera: Please, falling out of Heaven builds character

Reader: Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it...

[Lute jumps from the platform and lands]

Reader: [clapping their hands] Whoo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees

Charlie: [Stopping Reader from killing Valentino] I can't allow this, Reader. Please, come quietly.

Reader: You blonde cock-gobbler!

Charlie: That's not nice.

Reader: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that squeaking bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.

[a dead body falls off an overhead building]

Reader: That guy was already up there when I got here.

[captainmaxatx]

Laura: oh, nice flag!

Wade and Logan: SHHSSHHHHH!!!!!

Blind Al: you dumb gay fucks, I know you put a queer ass pride flag in the damn kitchen! Don’t know why you felt the need, everyone who comes in here already knows about you two gay fools!!

Laura: *looks back at the Canadian flag*

[stoeptepel]

Wade: "Sorry we're late, Logan was fingering me, and it left a wet mess, so I had to change."

Logan: "Stop describing it like that, I was stabbing him and he got blood on his clothes."

Wade: "Tomato, tomahto."

[lovethebadguy]

[incorrectanything]

Y/N: Can I go to the movies tonight?

Logan: Bub, I'm not your dad, you can do whatever the hell you want.

Y/N:

Y/N: Okay-

Logan: Be home by ten, don't talk to strangers, and remember to look both ways before crossing the road.

Y/N:

Logan: Here, ten bucks for popcorn.

[of-many-incorrect-quotes]

Logan: I cut my finger

Y/N: I can kiss it. That way it'll get better

Logan: *confused*That works?

Y/N: Yeah, my mum used to do it all the time when I was little

Logan: Huh…

*later*

Logan: I need you to punch me in the mouth

Wade: *has waited his whole life for this* I thought you’d never ask

[yellowwwcrayon]

Wade: Let's fight by sucking the air out of each other's lungs. Whoever dies first loses.

Logan: Are you asking to kiss me?

Wade: No, I'm asking to kill you. With my mouth. Over your mouth.

Logan: That sounds like kissing.

Wade: It's not, I'm cutting off your oxygen supply. Here, l'll demonstrate.

[chiefblossom]

Wade: The new neighbours hate us cause we're dating! Homophobic pricks.

Logan: ...

Logan: We're not dating?

Althea: YOU'RE NOT?!

Wade: *getting off Logan's lap* We're not???

[taintedmind6669]

Wade: *stroking Logan’s hair* you’re so tiny.

Logan: *sleepily* I could beat the shit out of you.

Wade: *lovingly* I know.

[societalenemynumberone]

The Deadpool and Wolverine movie came out. I beg of you to do more quotes on Deadpool Reader. Ill sell you my soul.

For the price of Anon's soul, I give you Deadpool Reader: Deadpool & Wolverine edition

. . .

Alastor: Mind putting your mask back on?

Reader: Super hard to eat while I'm wearing it.

Alastor: It's super hard to eat when you're not

. . .

Vaggie: [Waking up with a second eye patch] I wish fire would find your body and finish the job Sera was too afraid to do

Reader: If you could hear the look on my face, you'd smell how sad I am

. . .

[Lucifer changes into his demon form]

Reader: Holy shit. You save the good stuff for special occasions?

Lucifer: Killing, mostly.

. . .

Angel Dust: Wanna do some cocaine?

Reader: Hey! Cocaine is the one thing that Charlie said is off limits.

Angel Dust: What about Bolivian marching powder?

Reader: She knows all the slang terms. She made a list.

Angel Dust: Even snowboarding?

Reader: Even disco dust.

Angel Dust: White Girl, Interrupted?

Reader: Even Forrest Bump.

Angel Dust: Do you want to build a snowman?

Reader: Yes! But I can't!

. . .

Reader: [Mimicking Angel's New York (?) Accent] Good 'ay toots. There's nothing that'll bring me back to life faster than a big bag of cocaine.

. . .

Reader: [Alastor threatens Reader with his radio cane for the first time] Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn't new for me, friendo. But it is for A24.

. . .

Reader: Ohhh, I love the smell of sunflowers!

[sniffs a dead rose Niffty gave them]

. . .

Reader: [In that one scene where Angel was showing them one of his pornos] I'm soaking wet right now

. . .

Reader: [Preparing for war against the exorcists] This is what I'm talking about: big slow-motion action sequence, who knows if you live or die? Let's fuckin' go!

Angel Dust: Let's fuck and go!

. . .

Reader: [sees the Adam's army for the first time, the army they basically trained] OH MY FUCK!

. . .

Niffty: [After Reader used her as a human shield to get through active gang territory] I think I'm hit.

Husk: No shit.

[to Reader]

Husk: You did that on purpose.

Reader: I did no such thing!

[to Niffty]

Reader: Listen to me, gorgeous. How long does it take for you to regenerate?

Niffty: [slow blink] Regenerate?

. . .

Vaggie: One more word. Please. Give me one.

Reader: Gubernatorial

[Reader immediately gets punched]

Reader: Worth it

. . .

Reader: [Getting stabbed by Vaggie's spear for the first time] You nicked it. Just got the tip with your little steak knife!

. . .

[Reader's way of getting people to come to the hotel]

Random demon: You don't want any of this.

[Reader pulls out a pistol and points it at the demon's forehead]

Reader: Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead, I suggest you reconsider

. . .

Reader: [Staring at Lucifer as he talks] You really are God's Perfect Idiot, aren't you?

. . .

Reader: Want to talk about what's haunting you, or should we wait for a third season for you to open up to me?

Husk: Ah, go fuck yourself!

. . .

Reader: [Receptionist of the hotel, talking to any newcomer] Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. You're joining at a bit of a low point.

. . .

Reader: Don't just stand there, you ape. Give me a hand up.

[Vaggie draws her spear]

Reader: Nope, I'm actually okay, thank you very much!

. . .

Random demon: That's Charlie Morningstar.

Reader: You damn straight it is. Amazon bought her. They're gonna make her do this till she's dying.

. . .

Reader: [Walking out in a new outfit Lucifer got them] Yes, your underwear's getting tighter

. . .

[Reader falls on Husk]

Reader: What'cha thinking about?

Husk: Get the fuck off me.

Reader: Shh! Shh! Almost done...

Husk: Almost done what!?

Reader: Getting my knife out of your buttocks, you pervert! Get your mind out of my pants!

. . .

Bonus quote from the first movie:

Husk: Reader, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?

Reader: I'd love to get a Blow Job

Husk: Oh, God, me too.

Reader: The drink, moose knuckle, But first...

Husk: All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?

Reader: *Stops Niffty passing by and places the drink on her tray* Be a dear and send this over to Bright Red And Creepy over there and tell him "Angel, baby" sends his love.

*Reader and Husk proceed to drink whiskey watch as Alastor tries to kill Angel dust while he hides behind Charlie for protection*

[tadhannahj]

[arachpool]

Wade: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Logan speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to fuck me.

[watmalik]

“Get in bitches, we’re done fvcking.”

—Wade Wilson, probably.

[mourningliliesmorningglories]

James: there’s 206 bones in the human body

James: 207 if I’m watching the new Slytherin seeker

Sirius: what the fuck…

[incorrectanything]

Wade: Logan and I are having a baby!

Y/N: That's gre-

Wade, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

[super-marvel-dc]

Steve: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.

Bucky, Wade, and Y/N: Ok.

Steve: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.

Bucky: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Y/N: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.

Wade: Bold of you to assume I can die.