#my hh deadpool reader

[societalenemynumberone]

Imagine being Lucifer's older sibling

Like, you're a Cherubim (cause some Cherubs have different roles so you would be way stronger and better than the ones in Helluva Boss) who's been kinda kept from present-day news cause you've been chilling in the Garden of Eden protecting the Tree of Life and training other Cherubs

Then Emily invites you to Charlie's meeting as a council member and you go but you have no idea what this meeting is about so other council members have to constantly be keeping you up to date on what everyone is talking about DURING the meeting

"Ok, so that's Charlie Morningstar-"

"Morningstar?"

"And her girlfriend, Vaggie. An ex-exorcist-"

"An ex-exorc-What??"

"And they're here to prove sinners can be redeemed-"

"Ok...But why is everyone singing???"

"Well-"

"And is that the fucking first man????"

And you'd have to have Hell and Lucifer and Lilith and Adam all explained to you but all you really hear is that you have a niece that you never knew about

So you go down to Hell just to meet Charlie and see Lucifer. And Charlie gets all excited to have an unfallen angel on their side so she explains the hotel to you but Lucifer would be showing you all his ducks at the exact same time-

Even though you were kept from any news outside of the Garden of Eden to keep you from being unjust, I like to imagine that you have the most Deadpool personality of all time

[societalenemynumberone]

*Before the creation of Hell*

Sera: So what did you get Deadpool!Reader for their birthday?

Elder Angel: I got them a kitten

Young Emily: Really? Me too!

Michael: I also got them a cat.

Sera: Looks like we all had the same idea

God: *sigh* [Looks at Lucifer] Please tell me you got them something other than a cat.

Lucifer: I got them a kitten...

[Cut to Reader staring blankly as they are surrounded by cats]

Reader: *Inhales* THIS IS BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!!!

[societalenemynumberone]

Deadpool quotes but with my Lucifer's older sibling!reader idea-

Reader: [First day in Hell, in the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this woman?

[holds up a bad crayon drawing of Charlie]

Sera: You've been warned, Reader. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will be coming with us

Reader: Look, Sera, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now

Alastor: Do you have off an switch?

Reader: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?

Reader; [after finding out about Charlie's existence] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns

Charlie: Feeling a bit lonely?

Reader: Only sometimes when I'm by myself. Or other times when I'm with other people.

Reader: [First ever conversation with an awe-eyed Charlie] You're probably thinking, "My dad said that his older sibling is the second most just being in all of creation, but his sibling just turned that guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be just, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, that was a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a family love story.

Reader: [to Sera] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners in the Lord's Kingdom with some creepy, [points to Adam] Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, [points to Emily] I'll send her shiny, happy ass a friend request

Reader [Helping in the second extermination]: Daddy needs to express some rage.

[starts firing their guns]

Reader: Listen, Angel, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the hotel - right next to the answer for getting out of a soul contract. Good luck.

Angel Dust: [Grinning] You fucking asshole

Alastor: Morningstar!

Reader: How can I help you? Besides luring women into dark, creepy basements.

Reader: [Just learned how to use a phone, looking at a text from Angel] What is that?

Husk: That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long

Sera: I've given Reader every chance to join us but they'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will they grow up and see benefits of joining the Angelic Council?

Emily: Which benefits? Commiting genocide for amusement? Or the Angel that falls every few decades?

Sera: Please, falling out of Heaven builds character

Reader: Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it...

[Lute jumps from the platform and lands]

Reader: [clapping their hands] Whoo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees

Charlie: [Stopping Reader from killing Valentino] I can't allow this, Reader. Please, come quietly.

Reader: You blonde cock-gobbler!

Charlie: That's not nice.

Reader: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that squeaking bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.

[a dead body falls off an overhead building]

Reader: That guy was already up there when I got here.

[societalenemynumberone]

The Deadpool and Wolverine movie came out. I beg of you to do more quotes on Deadpool Reader. Ill sell you my soul.

For the price of Anon's soul, I give you Deadpool Reader: Deadpool & Wolverine edition

. . .

Alastor: Mind putting your mask back on?

Reader: Super hard to eat while I'm wearing it.

Alastor: It's super hard to eat when you're not

. . .

Vaggie: [Waking up with a second eye patch] I wish fire would find your body and finish the job Sera was too afraid to do

Reader: If you could hear the look on my face, you'd smell how sad I am

. . .

[Lucifer changes into his demon form]

Reader: Holy shit. You save the good stuff for special occasions?

Lucifer: Killing, mostly.

. . .

Angel Dust: Wanna do some cocaine?

Reader: Hey! Cocaine is the one thing that Charlie said is off limits.

Angel Dust: What about Bolivian marching powder?

Reader: She knows all the slang terms. She made a list.

Angel Dust: Even snowboarding?

Reader: Even disco dust.

Angel Dust: White Girl, Interrupted?

Reader: Even Forrest Bump.

Angel Dust: Do you want to build a snowman?

Reader: Yes! But I can't!

. . .

Reader: [Mimicking Angel's New York (?) Accent] Good 'ay toots. There's nothing that'll bring me back to life faster than a big bag of cocaine.

. . .

Reader: [Alastor threatens Reader with his radio cane for the first time] Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn't new for me, friendo. But it is for A24.

. . .

Reader: Ohhh, I love the smell of sunflowers!

[sniffs a dead rose Niffty gave them]

. . .

Reader: [In that one scene where Angel was showing them one of his pornos] I'm soaking wet right now

. . .

Reader: [Preparing for war against the exorcists] This is what I'm talking about: big slow-motion action sequence, who knows if you live or die? Let's fuckin' go!

Angel Dust: Let's fuck and go!

. . .

Reader: [sees the Adam's army for the first time, the army they basically trained] OH MY FUCK!

. . .

Niffty: [After Reader used her as a human shield to get through active gang territory] I think I'm hit.

Husk: No shit.

[to Reader]

Husk: You did that on purpose.

Reader: I did no such thing!

[to Niffty]

Reader: Listen to me, gorgeous. How long does it take for you to regenerate?

Niffty: [slow blink] Regenerate?

. . .

Vaggie: One more word. Please. Give me one.

Reader: Gubernatorial

[Reader immediately gets punched]

Reader: Worth it

. . .

Reader: [Getting stabbed by Vaggie's spear for the first time] You nicked it. Just got the tip with your little steak knife!

. . .

[Reader's way of getting people to come to the hotel]

Random demon: You don't want any of this.

[Reader pulls out a pistol and points it at the demon's forehead]

Reader: Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead, I suggest you reconsider

. . .

Reader: [Staring at Lucifer as he talks] You really are God's Perfect Idiot, aren't you?

. . .

Reader: Want to talk about what's haunting you, or should we wait for a third season for you to open up to me?

Husk: Ah, go fuck yourself!

. . .

Reader: [Receptionist of the hotel, talking to any newcomer] Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. You're joining at a bit of a low point.

. . .

Reader: Don't just stand there, you ape. Give me a hand up.

[Vaggie draws her spear]

Reader: Nope, I'm actually okay, thank you very much!

. . .

Random demon: That's Charlie Morningstar.

Reader: You damn straight it is. Amazon bought her. They're gonna make her do this till she's dying.

. . .

Reader: [Walking out in a new outfit Lucifer got them] Yes, your underwear's getting tighter

. . .

[Reader falls on Husk]

Reader: What'cha thinking about?

Husk: Get the fuck off me.

Reader: Shh! Shh! Almost done...

Husk: Almost done what!?

Reader: Getting my knife out of your buttocks, you pervert! Get your mind out of my pants!

. . .

Bonus quote from the first movie:

Husk: Reader, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?

Reader: I'd love to get a Blow Job

Husk: Oh, God, me too.

Reader: The drink, moose knuckle, But first...

Husk: All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?

Reader: *Stops Niffty passing by and places the drink on her tray* Be a dear and send this over to Bright Red And Creepy over there and tell him "Angel, baby" sends his love.

*Reader and Husk proceed to drink whiskey watch as Alastor tries to kill Angel dust while he hides behind Charlie for protection*

[societalenemynumberone]

I can't draw but if I could I would draw Deadpool!reader with Lucifer or Charlie it works with either of them

[societalenemynumberone]

Deadpool!Reader

Legally Blonde!Reader ideas