#datingrachel

[rachelannc]

Out of all the guys who liked Rachel in college, who should she have dated? No one. No one was good enough. She was too much of a muse.

A conversation with friends (#alwaysthedamnmuse #theregoesmymanicpixiedreamgirl)

[rachelannc]

SANTA MONICA, CA. Impromptu road trips. I wonder if I’m just a restless soul or if I’m constantly searching for something I don’t even know.

To be completely honest with you, I almost feel like I’ve forgotten how to blog.

A part of me has become so guarded — so cautious and careful, second-guessing my every move and word, perhaps in fear of who might see what and how that might affect the relationships in my life.

And then I think back to a time when I wasn’t so guarded — how liberating and freeing it was to express those thoughts, unravel my mind and maybe even touch another soul. I wasn’t trying to impress or show off or “keep things professional.” It was a simple desire to express.

I turned 24 a little more than a month ago (9th of March) and in the days leading up to my birthday, I was hoping to close loose ends and find a little closure. I know I don’t tend to dispose of my personal life on here (I value my privacy and the privacy of my family and friends), but I thought I should share with you a couple of life learnings I’ve had as of late.

Why? Well, because why else do we write?

Road Trip to My Birthweek

This past March, my birthday turned into a birth “March madness” month, simply because I wanted and felt the need to let go of all of my worries and love myself again — play as much music as I can, go to as many concerts as I can, write as much as I can and getaway as much as I can.

I embarked on a mini two-day road trip with my best friend from the Bay to LA (March 6-8), only to end up struggling to live out of my car, sleeping on uncomfortable floors and my trip turning into a “business trip.” It was also during that trip that I sought closure with a boy I had begun to start opening my heart to (7 months long to be exact), and I needed answers on whether to stay or walk away.

It was after that that I realized the uncertainty was causing me more stress than I needed. With so much love to give and an enthusiasm for life, I needed to step away and learn to be on my own again. And so, I spent my birthnight with Milo Greene, one of the few bands who have stolen my heart and also the very first band I interviewed back in 2014. I spent the weekend wining-and-dining with old friends, family and exploring the cool little bars, restaurants and sites the Bay Area has to offer. I never think much of myself and my birthday, but I was so grateful to share so many intimate moments and memories with the people in my life — some who I may take for granted sometimes.

Concerts, Concerts and More Music

After recovering from the exhausting road trip, the season of concerts had started to get rolling again! My interview with Brooklyn Asian-American songwriter Andy Suzuki got circulated around the Internet, I attended and wrote coverage for The Chapel on Thao Nguyen (of The Get Down Stay Down)’s solo show, and I played a heck of a lot of music while revisiting old songs I’ve written in the past. I also turned my head away from perverted messages and stood my ground when it came to innocent fixations on me. Rather than staying silent and letting them be like I normally would have done before, I spoke up and stood my ground. And it felt good.

Vegas Getaway

And then came the three-day BFF “business trip” to Vegas (March 20-22) as I accompanied my friend for a photobooth convention. Turns out it ended up being more pleasure than work as we feasted on countless Vegas buffets, walked more than a marathon on foot up and down the strip, and simply enjoyed each other’s company. It’s also with her that I’m reminded of living purely in the moment — that having a getaway from yourself and your life is so healthy simply because it becomes too easy to get caught up in your own life that there are more people and places to be with and experience when you take that step away from yourself.

“I love you tremendously Rachel,” she told me. “I know I yell and lecture you all the time and I’m very mean and aggressive about it, but I love you for still keeping me in your life. You bring me great happiness and this trip was a 10/10.”

“I feel like your gravestone will say: Always a Giver, Never a Taker — Except of Photos, Lots and lots of Photos.” Couldn’t be any more well said.

Spontaneous LA Getaway Pt. II

The end of the March came Dia Frampton’s three-week residency at the Hotel Cafe in Los Angeles — and for any of you longtime readers or friends of mine, you would know that any show that Frampton puts on I cannot miss (for the past decade of my life). After a few days of recovery from Vegas, I spontaneously (and with little notice) left at midnight with my brother to drive down to Irvine Wednesday night, crashed at my good friend/forever neighbor/roommate Daniel’s place, spent our Thursday around Santa Monica to West Hollywood to catch her show and meet up with old friends.

Simply put, it was nights like those that reminded me of the life I had — and still have — when I lived down there. Seeing old friends and sharing intimate conversations during nights like those just remind me of the network I’ve built up and the career I’ve built for myself. It’s also nice to know that even as you spend time for yourself away, your impression on people still stays. (And how crazy is it to know that I knew who the people Dia was singing about in each of her new songs were? Too invested, much?)

The morning after that show, we left the hotel our “boardie” friends had rented and drove back to the Bay to catch the free Warriors game my brother had snagged that night. Back to back traveling and feeling so very dead, that night in the Oracle was a great way to end such a crazy week and a marathon of a month of road tripping.

“It’s funny how you can be so fixed on moving, but the moment the opportunity becomes real, the more you resist.”

A New Month and Refound Energy

“Something tells me this is the #RachelReformation year,” my friend told me.

Just in the past month, I had realized how much more alive I feel when I answer to life and live moment to moment, rather than worrying where I will be in a month, six months or five years from now. My enthusiasm for live shows, writing, recording and focus on myself was found again and I was reminded of the life I have for me that is waiting for me to grab. If I want to move, I should do it. And if I fail? I can always run back home to figure it all out again.

I spent a week recording two new videos (“Redbone” and “I Feel It Coming”) while also revisiting and reworking songs I’ve written in the past. My April concert schedule became busy with Mitski (April 11), Oh Wonder (April 17), Hans Zimmer (April 19), LANY (April 24) and Kawehi (April 28) — all back to back and all in a span of three weeks (which means lots of write-ups, reviews and my love for music). I’ve reunited with my #IceTeam with countless late nights, wine nights and grubs at their apartment sharing laughs, memories and conversations on being young, working and living in the moment. I’ve also met a new friend and solo-concertgoer who is going to the exact same three shows as me — talk about great minds!

But if I can be completely honest and frank with you, throughout all of the moments and memories I’ve shared with the people around me in the past month or two, it’s hard to truly get a grasp of where my heart and mind really live.

In the new John Mayer song “Moving On And Getting Over,” he sings:

Moving on and getting over Are not the same, it seems to me ‘Cause you’ve been gone, I’m growing older But I still can’t seem to get you off my mind And I do believe I feel you all the time

I’d be lying to myself if my “almost relationship” wasn’t still at the back of my mind — but I’d be lying again if I told you I’ve been moping around because I simply feel more like myself than ever before. I’ve been happier, I’ve been excited, I’ve been looking forward. And a part of me believes that the situation had caught my attention moreso than the natural progression of the relationship. It felt good to step back and gain perspective to see where my head and heart really lies instead of being caught up in the everyday comfort of his company.

I’ve always told myself, I respect myself enough to know what I deserve and to never settle for less. If timing is everything, I’ll trust it, but as the saying goes: “Pray as if it’s up to God. Work as if it’s up to you.”

Real things take real time and effort to happen. Chances can only be given so much (especially for my too-nice-for-my-own-good-heart). It’s only the start of my 24th year and the start of a new season and I’m more than ready to make things happen. Potential moves? New career directions?

As you can’t force anything to happen that is out of your control, control the things you can — your behavior, your attitude, your reactions to life — and accept things for what they are. That’s all you can do. And as for my heart? Well, my heart’s as open as it’s always been, but I’m not waiting on anyone or anything anymore. I feel at peace. And I feel more like myself again. I have better perspective. And that’s a good feeling.

With love, honesty and looking up,

Rachel

LIVERMORE, CA. I don’t share enough photos of me smiling, so hi. My hair has grown into a lion’s mane lately but it feels so damn good to finally say, “I feel like I’m starting to get the hang of who I am and where I am at this point in my life.”

Road to 24: Confessions from the Head and the Heart To be completely honest with you, I almost feel like I've forgotten how to blog. A part of me has become so guarded -- so cautious and careful, second-guessing my every move and word, perhaps in fear of who might see what and how that might affect the relationships in my life.

[rachelannc]

Your relationship with yourself teaches you how you will love and accept others.

@rachelannc

[rachelannc]

timing

What do you do when the one time you let yourself be open and vulnerable to a situation, timing just isn’t right and you don’t know when it will ever be right? Do you wait? Do you let things continue as they are? Do you walk away?

You have a life too. And the more you live it questioning or in agony, the more life is taken away from you.

You can’t change how someone else thinks or feels, but you can change how you react and feel towards a situation.

The thought that you both want it but just can’t have it is confusing as hell.

You are an individual who deserves only the best, and you have all right to give your best. You are human and want to be loved and give your love.

What are your needs? What are your desires? What do you need at this point in your life? And let that determine the next step.

“What the hell do you want?” as an impassioned Noah would tell a confused Allie.

[rachelannc]

Having the hard conversations can actually deepen the relationship.

@rachelannc

[rachelannc]

Compromise, communication and consistency are needed in all relationships, not just romantic ones.

[rachelannc]

Communicate: talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another. Make time for one another. Leave the past to the past. Know that having arguments are normal. Know that you won't always be happy. Don't expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally.

[rachelannc]

On Love and Opening Up

On Love and Opening Up

I’ve never been one to let myself simply feel happy or content with the things in my life.

I’m always searching, hoping and dreaming for something more… Maybe something “better” or something I do not have. Something I may not even know that I’m looking for.

But for once in my life, I can admit to myself that I want to love. I want to open myself up to love.

And can I just admit to myself: you…

[rachelannc]

2017, you were a beast.

You were a roller coaster of emotions; a constant change of minds, situations and fleeting events; new faces in familiar places; new homes, towns, unspoken words, feelings and some of my greatest and most humbling strides.

For two years prior, I had felt a relentless state of stagnation. The postgrad blues got to me; I fulfilled the barista itch in me only then to hang up the apron; and I finally moved, just like I said I would in 2017.

At the beginning of the year, I told myself I wasn’t going to wait. I’d make the conscious effort to make things happen — all those lofty dreams that were just ideas in my head and things I said I’d do but still hadn’t. There was this burning curiosity in me (and “Signs from the Universe”) to return to Southern California, because I felt I had left this huge network and untapped potential after graduating. I took a 10-day solo getaway trip after quitting my job which was pure confirmation that I had left a home for myself there (and, as much as I loved the Bay Area, finding work up here was hard).

The new year was also when a dear friend told me #boldrachel was coming out.

A moment of pure bliss, positivity and feel-good vibes to bring into the new year. ✨ The greatest thing about a new year is that it allows us to acknowledge our want, need and desire to be better, for ourselves and the world around us. Finally had some time to reflect on my year to create positive shifts in my life (for personal, social and career). As I'm not big on resolutions, how do you all create a game plan for change in your lives? #rachelannc #newyear #2017 #changes #positivity #shifts #blog #wordpress #writers #dreamers #dreams #dreamcatching #feelgood #bliss #health #wellness #mindfulness #shamelessselfie #crossroads #timetobebold Blog post link: https://rachelannc.wordpress.com/2017/01/09/ringing-in-2017-with-a-need-for-change/

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Jan 9, 2017 at 7:03pm PST

At the start of 2017, I was beginning to open myself up to a love. It was seven or so months of unexpected talking, meeting and falling for someone whom I never expected to fall for at a time in my life when I wasn’t looking, was only focused on myself and itching for my own personal change.

And when it became so easy and natural and our relationship progressed right before my eyes, I was shocked. My heart was so full. My eyes lit up. I became so smitten that I had to ask myself: Should I keep my cool? Should I stay at a distance? Do I ask where this is going? How did I even begin to like this guy?! (“Love Says, Timing Is Everything”)

But as this uncertain love was unfolding, so was my own growth.

Impromptu road trips. I wonder if I'm just a restless soul or if I'm constantly searching for something I don't even know. ✨ #santamonica #santamonicapier #architecture #park #silhouette #shadow #sunshine #beachside #restless #restlesssoul #wanderlust #ontherun #losangeles #socal #daytrip #roadtripping #baytola #latothebay #alwaysontherun #cravingviewslikethese

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Apr 6, 2017 at 3:11pm PDT

March and my birth month turned into this messy acceptance of a relationship that was going nowhere and a career that needed to go somewhere (“Road to 24: Confessions from the Head and the Heart”).

I went gung-ho into my old love of covering concerts and interviewing artists again — the start of weeks and back to back months of concerts and shows as I built up a repertoire of Bay Area concert venues to hit. And while the music journo in me came back again — to which I will admit came from a sense of restlessness to work and chase something I was passionate about again — so did this looming sense of uncertainty and uneasiness that spilled into different areas of my life.

But that isn’t to say 2017 was all a struggle — I had so many happy and exciting moments come to fruition as well. I went on a midweek all-expense Vegas getaway with my bff; made my first Tahoe road trip and saw snow for the first time; committed to my running and made strides in my personal mileage; had my #iceteam; went to 43+ shows in the past year; finally made my move to SoCal on my own; worked a hell of an internship at Kore Asian Media, getting published in our annual magazine “The New Hollywood” and had the opportunity to photoshoot, interview and assist celebrities like Karrueche Tran, Ross Butler, Mitski, Grace Park and Jo Koy; finally met and connected with Apl De Ap after years of Instagram talking; met Naomi Scott… The list goes on and on!

But with all those experiences came my biggest learnings, realizations and reflections into myself.

As much as I was growing, connecting and making strides with my work and career, I felt myself grow more and more out of tune with myself, my heart and even my sanity.

I felt an uneasiness in me. When I wasn’t working, I was too hard on myself and stressed myself out for not being productive or working on something. I also felt isolated and alone apart from my family and no network of friends directly around me. The commutes to work began to drain me as I wasn’t used to spending an entire day at work with another two hours taken out of my day spent on the road. My workout routines began to slip; I put all my energy into my work; and when work was full of concerts, shows and cheap thrills, my creative need felt suffocated. I was reminded of how the artist in me craves expression.

While that whole laundry list of concerns is all first-world problems, I began to see how it grew toxic. I craved connection and sought it out in the one person who I wanted to confide in the most, but still felt I couldn’t for fear of imposing a relationship that I didn’t have; the uncertainty on the status of that relationship began to creep into the uncertainties of my life, work and even a place to stay (I was suddenly forced to find a new place to live in in a matter of weeks).

To put it short, I became a worrywart.

Uneasiness and uncertainty crept into all areas of my life when I just craved one single taste of security in a place, situation and period in my life when everything was uncertain. But, the past six months have been exciting and full of adventures meeting new people, places, making and finding a new home for myself and finding myself faced with new problems and insecurities. In truth, I’m grateful. I’ve found everything is an opportunity for growth and realize my struggles and insecurities that crept up in the year have informed me of my own weaknesses and how to better move forward.

Perspective is power. 🙃 I've been doing some networking lately and one thing I've taken is to always lead a RICH life. When you put too much pressure on one aspect, path or career in your life, you pin your happiness on something out of your control. So lead a life of LOVE. Pursue it fiercely. Pursue it passionately. We owe it to ourselves to be our best selves and find those who can match our frequencies. AND when we come from a place of love, you'll have more to say, more to offer and more to bring to your life, art and others… Just a friendly thought. Happy weekend friends! ♡ . . . #perspective #selfie #smile #shamelessselfie #thoughtoftheday #energy #positivity #happiness #life #love #aboutlastnight #rachelannc

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Nov 18, 2017 at 5:51pm PST

What about when it comes to my head? I’m damn proud of myself. I moved, claimed my independence, handled my work and put my all into my job. The fact that I cared so much about the work I did for #UNFO just goes to show how much I love to share the work I do, and how much I take my work to heart.

But what about when it comes to my heart? To be honest, I don’t quite like who I’ve grown into in the latter part of the year. I became an anxious mess, worrying about unnecessary things out of my control, was too hard on myself and expected too much. Heck, it caused me to put a lot of pressure on my loved ones when I really wish I hadn’t — and I may have let those thoughts and emotions get the best of me.

So in hindsight, when it comes to 2018… There’s a lot I wish to change. It’s funny how in the past 24 years of my life, every passing year was full of so much love, gratitude and positivity, and for the first time in my life, I felt this sense of bitterness and urgency — a pressure to make things happen at all means. (And to be quite honest, I’m stubborn as hell. I believe the best in people and won’t give up easily — which may be a good and a bad thing.)

For 2018, it’s all about coming back to myself: to grow more and more into myself each and everyday; to allow the universe to unravel itself and find balance in everything (the give and take, the work and play, the head and the heart); to not chase happiness but be it; to accept all emotions and handle them with acceptance and grace; to do everything with love and openly give that to others; to not accept halfhearted loves or take my own love for granted.

Although that was quite a bit to unload here, it’s always such a joy to share my life, travels, adventures and learnings with you all. I haven’t shared too many of my own personal reflection posts in the past year, but I’ve shared quite a bit of myself through other media and it’s been so humbling to have you guys listen, respond, read and just care after all these years…

So here’s to becoming our best selves: to learn to love ourselves; to have the courage to be our most authentic selves; to open up to love without fear; to let go of the fears that hold us back; to laugh at ourselves a little more; to use social media healthily and wisely; to spend more time talking and less time texting; to find genuine peace with the ways of the world; and just radiate love in every way we can!

Let’s do it. Let’s come back to ourselves in 2018 — out of our heads and into our hearts.

Honesty. December 2017. Photo: Patricia Nguyen

With love, honesty and a lot of hope,

Rachel

Coming to Peace with 2017 2017, you were a beast. You were a roller coaster of emotions; a constant change of minds, situations and fleeting events; new faces in familiar places; new homes, towns, unspoken words, feelings and some of my greatest and most humbling strides.

[rachelannc]

time will tell

It's nights like these that I can't believe just how good something, or someone, can be for me.

I sometimes don't know a good thing when it hits me right. Reluctance, hesitancy and the natural openness, honesty and vulnerability I feel is just shocking to me.

It's too perfect that I can't believe it.

But I have to respect my own journey, heart and pace. Patience for now. Only time will tell.

♡

[rachelannc]

‪I'm at that point in my life where I don't want to settle for mediocre. Loving myself wholeheartedly will show others the way...or the door.‬

@rachelannc

[rachelannc]

"Crossing Point" Review: Wong Fu short tests love and commitment with Dia Frampton and Travis Atreo

“Crossing Point” Review: Wong Fu short tests love and commitment with Dia Frampton and Travis Atreo

Asian-American actors and singer-songwriters Dia Frampton and Travis Atreo star in new Wong Fu short film “Crossing Point.” 3/27/2017.

“Did you watch Dia’s new video?” my brother asked me.

“Not yet. Why?”

“It’s pretty emotional,” he warned.

“Am I gonna cry?”

“I felt it.”

A few minutes into the video, I felt a silent pull. The quiet piano sequence that entered as Janice (Dia Frampton) began to…

[rachelannc]

Love Says, Timing Is Everything

Love Says, Timing Is Everything

Do you believe that timing is everything or working your way to make life work with timing?

People have always asked me, “When will you ever give someone a chance?”

That question has haunted me for so long. I’ve thought of so many reasons as to why I haven’t, why I couldn’t, why I never…

“You’re picky,” they assume. “You have high standards.”

Yeah. Maybe I do have high standards for myself, but…

[rachelannc]

I'm Not Drunk, I Wanna Go Home "Officer" (Kate Earl Cover)

I’m Not Drunk, I Wanna Go Home “Officer” (Kate Earl Cover)

“Forty below driving on deathly icy roads,” the song opens up. “Backseat is full of clothes” and I’m driving down the I-5 with no care in the world — just an open road and endless possibilities in front of me.

It’s strange to say that I started off the new year with an overwhelming amount of zest and enthusiasm for change— to counteract all the inaction I did in the past year — only to find…

[rachelannc]

~

I’ve never been one to let myself simply feel happy or content with the things in my life.

I’m always searching, hoping and dreaming for something more… Maybe something “better” or something I do not have. Something I may not even know I’m looking for.

But five months later and for once in my life, I can admit to myself that I want to love. I want to open myself up to love.

And can I just admit to myself: you make my heart so damn happy.

[rachelannc]

LANY - "Pink Skies"

"Talking under pink skies I think our hearts are starting to show That it’s better you and I under pink skies"