#Expectations

[the-way-we-were]

Bone of contention…

[pusheen]

[hellyeahscarleteen]

"Nobody “owes” anyone sex. We don’t lend and borrow sex like we lend and borrow money or our favorite sweaters. But plenty of people consider or engage in sex or certain sexual activities out of feelings of obligation or duty. Obligatory sex usually feels crappy and boring at best, and horrible, emotionally and physically, at worst, especially over time if it becomes a habit. When we’re really not interested in partnered sex at all and agree to it, it may even feel like rape⁠. When our partner is doing their homework in their heads during sex rather than being fully present with us, or just saying yes to avoid an argument, it can feel pretty weird, and create some unhealthy patterns.

Maybe your partner performed oral sex⁠ for you, so you feel that – no matter what you want – you’re obliged to perform a similar or understood-to-be-equal activity. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is someone you feel you don’t deserve, or who is somehow above you, and sex seems like a good way to even the scales. Friends may push or pressure you to become sexually active⁠ or engage in sex for their own agendas. Perhaps your partner has had a level of previous sexual experience you feel you’ve got to live up to. Maybe it’s been a certain length of time at which point it seems sex should happen, by some arbitrary and invisible timeline, or it’s been a few weeks since you had sex, and even though you’re not in the mood, for whatever reason, you don’t want to leave your partner without sex from you.

If your partner performed oral sex for you, and they’re expecting something in return you aren’t interested in, then you can let them know you aren’t interested in whatever that is and fill them in on the things you ARE or may be interested in instead. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is someone you feel you don’t deserve, or who is somehow above you, then you deal with the esteem issues or relationship imbalances that are causing you to feel that way. If it’s been a certain length of time at which point it seems sex should happen, by some arbitrary and invisible timeline, then you can start talking to your partner about feeling that way, and discuss, between you, what both of your own individual timelines are and what you feel ready for and want. If it’s been a few weeks since you had sex, and you’re still not in the mood, start talking: look into why that might be, like relationship or sexual problems, stress, depression, low libido⁠, or just not feeling up to sex at this point in time. You owe your partner communication⁠ and honesty, not sexual favors, and they owe you patience and understanding."

Heather Corinna, Reciprocity, Reloaded

[pratchettquotes]

You were there, you had the hat, you did the job. That was a basic rule of witchery: It's up to you.

Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

[apoodl3z]

I expect flying cars by 2025

[gayofthefae]

Remember. Mike was single here. Mike was single and thought he was gonna stay single here.

Mike was single and thought he was gonna stay single and thought he was gonna be single when Will moved when he prompted him not to replace him. Remember.

[philosophybits]

People lose the day in expectation of the night, and the night in fear of the dawn.

Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

[palatinewolfsblog]

"Lies are often much more plausible, more appealing to reason, than reality, since the liar has the great advantage of knowing beforehand what the audience wishes or expects to hear." Hannah Arendt.

[nobeerreviews]

When I'm walking along in the street, I always feel that around the corner, there is something wonderful waiting for me.

-- Sophia Loren

(Como, Italy)

[dumblr]

[hellyeahscarleteen]

One of the biggest messages I (and most other sex⁠ educators I know) wish everyone would receive and embrace is that when it comes to how you express yourself sexually with things like this, there is no “supposed to.” All there is, and should be, is what feels true and real for you, what you find feels good for you and what you find doesn’t.

It’s hard for people to really create and nurture a sexuality and sexual⁠ life that feels like their own – like an expression of who they are, rather than who someone else is, looks or seems like – and they enjoy if and when they’re trying to follow someone else’s script or somebody else’s idea of how to be or respond sexually. If we were making a list of the top⁠ ten things that tend to keep people from having sex lives they really enjoy, focusing on responding to sex in ways they feel they should, rather than going with how they are really, truly, feeling and responding would be right up at the top.

Human sexuality and sex are so diverse because people are so diverse. No one sex life, way of having sex or way of responding to sex fits all. The trick is to explore and experiment to find out⁠ who we are sexually, how we feel, what we want, what we like and what feels right for us, very individually. If anyone expects sex with one partner⁠ to be just like sex with another, or thinks that the way they watched one person responding to sex is how everyone else is going to respond, they’re going to need to adjust those expectations.

Heather Corinna, The Rules of Ooohs and Ahhhs (Hint: there aren't any)

[pratchettquotes]

"We saw the fire--" Carrot began, running up. "Is it all over?"

"Mr. Vimes saved the day!" said Sergeant Colon excitedly. "Just went straight in and saved everyone, in the finest tradition of the Watch!"

"Fred?" said Vimes, wearily.

"Yessir?"

"Fred, the finest tradition of the Watch is having a quiet smoke somewhere out of the wind at three a.m. Let's not get carried away, eh?"

Terry Pratchett, Jingo

[let-me-be-skinny-and-pretty]

“I used to think that I could never lose anyone if I photographed them enough. In fact, my pictures show me how much I’ve lost.” ― Nan Goldin

[gayofthefae]

Thinking about how Will is fully able to flirt but cannot handle being flirted with and the deeper reason that actually is

Will has settled for the idea of never being with Mike. Even referencing coming out to Mike he only ever frames it as not wanting to "lie to Mike" and simply wanting to share "the truth" with who he "care[s] about the most". Never an expectation or attempt at reciprocation. It is consistently based and in reference to how he feels about secrets from his loved ones, and only ever mentioned in reference to actual romance by El.

He has settled. But the thing about settling, part of it inherently that is under-talked about, is the part where you find ways to love your life. Settling is not resigning, that would be super depressing, because when someone settles it is them committing to a lesser life than they had dreamed because more is not an option for them. It is out of their control or the wrong choice somehow, and in those situations, you make the best of it.

So to Will, he will never have Mike. In fact, in all likelihood he will never experience romance. In his entire life - even if he die of natural causes in old age and not monsters at 15. But you make the best of it. And it's logical:

If Mike fully does not reciprocate, is oblivious to his feelings, and repeatedly affirms that he didn't mean what he said that made it seem like he was uncomfortable and he is totally fine - like the audience believes (again, BECAUSE Will believes this and is the one telling this story in s4) - then there are absolutely 0 consequences to having an ambiguous flirt here and there. No one can fault him, it's the closest he will ever get to romance as a queer person, so he takes what he can get. No damage to Mike and El's relationship. No discomfort to Mike. Hell, Mike doesn't even really notice.

So Will's expectation is occasional, one-sided flirting. A sort of playing pretend I suppose. And Mike smiles and that can be part of the game. It makes sense. Because often, he doesn't say anything back.

He just smiles...except for once

I always want to jokingly yell at my screen in this moment "what do you mean you're shy now? YOU initiated flirting with HIM"

but it does make sense given his expectations; given the history I hadn't tracked before from his perspective. Not only are his expectations of a lack of matching energy (as I have pointed out repeatedly before, genuinely should not match if unreciprocated - could even just be the comment vs silent smile thing they had going before) completely realistic, they have also been proven in practice!

And I always want to tease him that he started it but really, he didn't. Because any time he does this, it has 0 intention to "start" anything. Not even this much of an exchange. He's doing it for himself, to play pretend. It's like Mike is breaking the fourth wall.

It was completely plausible for him to act coy and surprised by Mike here, as if Mike had initiated this tone, because even something as simple and small as this had *never been reciprocated like this before*. The rest of the conversation is Mike's traditional pace in terms of romantic-adjacent to Will, but participating in the playfulness is new.

I like to tease him in my head. But Will being flustered by a natural response to his statement and the tone he himself set is logical. Because to Will, in a way, Mike can't see him. Mike doesn't know he's doing this, and Mike certainly can't engage.

This is Mike engaging. This is Mike *participating*. This is Mike acknowledging 'you just pitched me a line, and I'm taking it this time'. And in a way, this is also one of this micro-reveals you get in your life. This is also Mike saying 'I'm not oblivious to it and I never have been, I just didn't engage until now. But now I am. (And none of those smiles were that oblivious either)'.

And the other stuff Mike says afterwards is much more similar to things he's before, so it didn't always click for me the specifics. But I get it now. I get why this is different than all those other times. I get why he grabs the painting on his way out. Will learned something about Mike from this conversation.

It's absolutely tiny. Two lines. But there is one moment in the series where they have truly reciprocated and interestingly enough, it's this. We always get "if we're both going crazy we'll go crazy together" "yeah" "it was the best thing I've ever done" "..." even "the last year has been weird, you know? And Max and Lucas and Dustin, they're great, they're great, it's just-it's Hawkins, it's not the same without you. And I feel like maybe I was worrying too much about El and, I don't know, I feel like I lost you or something, does that make sense? I have no idea what's gonna happen next, but whatever it is, I think it'll be easier if we're team. Friends - Best friends." "Cool." (WILL BYERS OH MY GOD!! 'cool'???)

but this was two-ways. And it quickly ended because then they kinda didn't know what to do, understandably. This is basically a long and queer trauma way of saying that that look from Will is a completely logical moment of "shit, I didn't think I'd get this far".

Analysis on Mike's perspective/behavioral shift to respond in this scene