#dark urge who is resisting the urges and romancing shadowheart

[starlightcleric]

I've finally gotten back into Baldur's Gate 3, maybe one day I will finish this game. Brynhild just got to the Lower City proper and I'm sure is about to pick up a bunch of new quests, so I decided that was a good place to end for the evening, and went and messed around on some other characters.

To the left we have Eir, a half-elf GOO Warlock Tav, whose purpose is to make all the obviously bad decisions in the pursuit of power (eat all the tadpoles, take all the bargains from sketchy people). I'm planning on having her romance either Astarion or Karlach.

To the right is my newest, Sigrun the wood elf Gloomstalker Ranger Dark Urge, whose purpose is to give into the urges and generally do the evil things I have not tried before. My husband took one look at her and called her "prison elf" :P Her planned romance is either Lae'zel or Minthara.

[barry2018-2023]

oh man I'm back on my bg3 bullshit and I'm committing to finishing the game in the next couple weeks so I can start my second playthrough and I can't decide which of my two character ideas I wanna play next 😭

[utilitycaster]

anyway this is obviously a wild shift in the topic of conversation, but I was talking about it in the group chat last night as a distraction and would like to continue the distraction if I am being honest, so, with the caveat that this is based off of Fandom Osmosis Observations and a few reads of reviews and I have at this time played neither of these games, some thoughts about BG3 vs. Veilguard and what I've seen. many thanks to @captainofthetidesbreath for actually knowing things about video games and answering my many questions.

also just putting this up front with all said caveats: if you disagree that is great, I am very open that this is an outside observation and I could be very wrong but I am going to block people who get hostile without warning, and make this nonrebloggable if too many people get hostile. You are always permitted to disagree but like, I don't really care about your opinion if you're not someone with whom I have a pre-existing rapport unless idk you're like, actually a BG3 or Veilguard official story writer who happens to be on Tumblr. If you're a player? You have all of your own biases and they are not mine. Save it for someone who wants to get in a fight about this; I am not that person.

Essentially, what I've seen in terms of criticism from Veilguard that isn't just rampant transphobia comes down to the following:

why am I not playing my previous character from Inquisition again

why am I limited to a fairly consistent through line for the story

But first, I'm going to talk about BG3. What's funny is I seem like a much more obvious candidate for playing BG3, as a longtime D&D player who has come around on Forgotten Realms as a setting. However, while I looked at it for a while, I eventually lost interest for a couple of reasons. One is that apparently all the characters are WAY too eager to romance you which is like, a fun fantasy for 10 minutes but would probably annoy me in the long run. Another is that everyone who watched early reviews and kept abreast with the game told me that there was a clear favorite companion (Astarion) and that many of the characters had most of their interesting flaws sanded down (eg: Wyll was apparently much cockier originally; Shadowheart even more petulant; and as these are perhaps the two characters I was most intrigued by, reducing them to something blander destroyed much of the appeal). But perhaps the most interesting one is that as a boring goodie two shoes sort of person, my thought back when I was like "yeah, perhaps I will play this" was "oh, I do not want to have a murderous urge within me."

It became very apparent, through watching people play through and post on my dash, that if you didn't specifically play as the Dark Urge, and didn't specifically resist that urge, the story didn't really cohere. I have to admit, I know the premise of BG3 very well (tadpoles), and I know a lot of shipping trends (put a pin in that), and I know some of the more obvious points within it (Astarion is a vampire, Gale and Karlach both have bombs in their chests somehow, Shadowheart bleaches her hair) but I don't really have a great sense of the ending, and I did not avoid spoilers.

It feels like BG3 is designed for people who have one of those massive spreadsheets of D&D characters they haven't had a chance to play that are meticulously kept and thoroughly realized...and don't really leave room for modifying to fit the campaign you will actually be playing in. It feels like an OC sandbox simulator unless you do actually pick the choice the writers actually wrote for (Durge), and while it's not technically playersexual...it kinda is. I mean, I am a big fan of the trend in video games towards making it possible to romance anyone because it conjures up the idea of a world of high-powered bisexuals running around, which is very enjoyable for me, but the criticism of the Mary Sue archetype originally was never "how dare you fantasize about being cool." It was "wow, the characterizations are all warped beyond recognition solely so that everyone is in love with this character, and that makes for a dull and unsatisfying story." If you're everyone's type, and it's for romance and not just sheer lust, then either everyone around you is boring and wants the same thing, or you are sort of bland and inoffensive, or else the story is bashing characters together without a good basis for a compelling romance. This is also compounded by the fact that the companions can't get together with each other if you're playing your own character and not an Origins character.

None of this is to say it's bad to like BG3 and again, I didn't play it; but it is why I ultimately said "you know, given the effort involved to play it for me, a person without a gaming system, it's not worth it."

Veilguard has specifically intrigued me for going against a lot of this. You have a lot of choices in your character build, but they're all fairly thematically consistent: you did something within your faction that was well-intentioned but upset higher-ups and so you need to step away for a while. This establishes a personality for you! We know why you're part of a faction but also something of a free agent at the moment. We know why you're here and why you might be a good candidate for the current mission.

I'm not going to go into detail for the choices because while I'm not avoiding spoilers I don't want to spoil a relatively new game for others, but a lot of choices are fairly parallel, not in an "illusion of choice" way - they have consequences - but in terms of hitting similar themes. You can only save one city and both are places you have seen and places your companions have connections to; while the exact details may differ you are telling a consistent story.

I also think the fact that the companions can romance each other in your absence is important too! They exist even when you're not there. They are not just here to woo you, and indeed, they might be a better match for each other. I've been informed this is true in Inquisition as well, and I think it's a much more rich world if you, as the player, as the person who can ultimately decide the fates of your companions, aren't the center of their personal life. I also think it prevents the ability to sand down companions to be more agreeable to you as a player if you have to make an NPC/NPC romance compelling (and I will freely admit that, in a move that is not at all like me, I was pretty well sold by a potential in-game NPC/NPC romance, which is usually not the thing that gets me into works of fiction).

I'm not the right person to speak to the Inquisitor not being a significant character because I did not play DA:I, and I get that 'well, this is a new game with a new protagonist, as there has been for every Dragon Age game' is still not necessarily an adequate explanation. Nor is "hey, maybe it's good to attract new players" even though as someone who is highly attracted as a new player that is my opinion. However, I want to go back to the point about Resist Durge being the strongest option in BG3 in terms of story by a long shot. When I was trying to learn more, I said "ok, so just like how you're Tav in BG3 and Rook in Veilguard, you're Lavellan in Inquisition, right?" and was told that you are not - that's just the elvish Inquisitor option. Obviously this is anecdotal, but the fact that one option was far and away the most popular and thematically resonant is an indication that perhaps bringing forth the Inquisitor is carrying over some of the limitations of that game, whatever they may be. The true argument is "they are trying to tell a specific story here, and it is about a different POV than the one you previously had."

And that's really my point. I know I'm not an expert here - in fact I'm usually quite hesitant to write meta about things in which I'm not highly steeped, and very critical of those people who do - but I think an outsider perspective is useful here. The thing that is drawing me to video games is a new way to experience a fictional narrative (the other game I have been meaning to play - and even own on Steam- is Disco Elysium). That's not what everyone wants! But it is what I want. And so I want to be put into a developed, thoughtful narrative, and I don't mind if my choices are restricted in order to support it, and if I am playing a person I did not entirely choose. In tech, there is a saying of "make it easy to make the right choice (and hard to make the wrong one)" and so if you need your protagonist to hit certain beats, you should make that the required protagonist.

I think a story is stronger if your choices matter but if there is something of a foregone conclusion because it gives the writers thematic throughlines. This might sound a little silly given that this blog is largely dedicated to Actual Play but the thing is, most actual play does have, if not a foregone conclusion, at least a strongly intended conclusion of "work towards uncovering this mystery and achieving this goal", though the success of said goal is not guaranteed. I would argue that when a campaign lacks that, it tends to suffer in all aspects. RPG video games almost always have a foregone conclusion, but that's its own liability. In actual play, lacking a forgone conclusion means you spin off in any direction and it's anyone's guess if it's coherent. In an RPG, having this conclusion but not supporting it through the rest of the game will make it feel contrived. I feel a lot of Veilguard criticism is focusing on small contrivances early on that really mostly matter to a highly specific subset of potential players that prevent much larger and less forgiveable contrivances later on.

Anyway. Again, I am an outsider here, and I'm not here to say that it's bad to have a more open-world, sandboxy game with a self-insert-y OC type; but I have to be honest, I'd rather explore that in a true sandbox of fanfiction or original fiction, which is significantly cheaper and in which I can actually tell the entire story I want to tell. I don't want to be given more choices if a lot of them will be profoundly unsatisfying as a narrative. I don't want to cut through the world like a hot knife through butter. I want to be affected by it, and that's very hard to do with a character whose only trait is "self-insert whom everyone wants to fuck" or "guy that already carries the baggage of years of personal headcanons and highly variable choices that are hard to account for for every single person who ever played the previous game."

[lerihon-posts]

Dark Urge and Grieving Gortash

This might be a bit disjointed cuz I'm typing this instead of sleeping but thinking about Durge and the aftermath of Gortash's inevitable death. Especially in endings where the party breaks the alliance and kills him. Especially a Durge that's been fairly successful in their quest lines. (Keeps Isobel from being kidnapped, saves all the Tieflings and Zevlor ECT from moonrise)

Do we think Durge even realizes at first that they are grieving? Like yeah absolutely they are aware that grief is a thing and maybe they've felt something they thought was like it about Alfira. But being aware of something is one thing and experiencing it a whole other ball game. Like thinking about it pre-amnesia they're this peak, hand designed by Bhaal Bhaalspawn right? Literally designed to deal out death in droves. Grief would be a pretty useless and largely if not near entirely unfelt emotion by Durge at this point. Grief is something they inflict not experience.

Then you get to Durgetash era, weather platonic or romantic, and it's all kinda agreed by fandom that Gortash is the first person not only to care about Durge but the first person Durge themselves actually care about. A friendship and/or romance so impactful it freaks Durge out. This is what got me thinking; if this is Durge having a crisis over feeling attached to someone and reluctant to kill them for the first time theres no likely way they would have gotten to the point of truly mourning someone before or at least not since climbing the ranks to be papa bhaal's favorite prince/princess.

Now just thinking about an end game Act three resisting Durge standing in Gortash's office with Karlach and very likely their new LI (mine was Gale), deed done and looking down at Gortash's -"no, Enver, he's Enver to us" that persistent voice a the back of their head says- body and feeling that first bit of cold numbness spreading from their heart throughout their chest. Pressure behind their eyes and nose as an Urge, not to harm but to cry, build just as slowly. If it's another character that got the killing blow in maybe unable to look them in the eye with out feeling this sense to *Scream*. A Durge recently born a new free of Bhaal but not their lingering past self, still new to being a honest to gods person and not knowing what was *wrong* with themselves??. They cast speak with dead and hear Bane from Enver's lips and suddenly their body feels like something they have to pilot remotely, their throat burns with a vague wish to be sick.

Do they go to Halsin or Shadowheart later once back at the Elfsong tavern and forcing themselves through whatever this is to comfort Karlach? Chest aching and something all together bitter they don't want to admit to churning in their gut. Do they seek a one of them quietly to ask for a magical heal for this obviously physical poison they must be suffering from only to be told nothing seems to be wrong with them? Do they go through their symptoms confused and feeling numbed and overwhelmed at the same time only for Halsin or Shadowheart to finally reach in through their tadpoles to see what Durge is feeling and then have to explain to Durge that " oak father preserve you, but yours is but a profound sadness; your grieving," Halsin says, or Shadowheart with "you suffer no mere flesh wound im afraid, but that of a much deeper experience; Loss."

Just. All those posts about the dark urge coming to grips with what Gortash actually meant to their old selves, the only people that understood and cared for each other, the only two people who mattered. But then also with the added angst of someone navigating that sadness for probably the first time with no knowledge of how to do that while surrounded by people who wouldn't be able to really understand why you felt that way about someone like Gortash and also yeah there's no real time to process this you gotta fight an elder brain in the morning.

[bhaalbabebardlock]

Daisies On My

Nightstand

| AO3 Link | About Ilara |

| Writing Masterpost |

| Daisies Playlist |

Summary:

The story of a Bhaal-Spawn who only ever wanted to be free.

Ilara would do anything for the people she loves, having never been freely allowed to do so before- including killing her past, denouncing her God, and damning 7,000 souls. Can she save herself, let alone anyone else?

The story of my resist durge Ilara, and everything leading up to the netherbrain and after.

Important tags: named dark urge, violent thoughts/urges, death, having no control, murder, smut, dom/sub themes, memory loss, grief, trauma, a terrible past, whipping, knife play, character death, self hatred, ascended astarion, mind control. I promise there's some happy stuff. Sometimes. Please read all tags on AO3!!!

Romance with Gortash, Astarion, Shadowheart. A devil she can't get away from. This story leaves canon behind in the dust.

Because this story is so long now, ongoing, and has daily updates I don't intend to list every chapter on this post like I was doing (which is why I've made a new post!) I will continue to sometimes post teasers of chapters; I stopped doing that a while ago.

Daisies on my Nightstand on AO3

(as I begin uploading them, this post will be edited with links to the teaser chapters)

Chapter 99- Aching

Chapter 105- Sending

Chapter 111- Voided

Chapter 119- Hellfire

[danvolodar]

On Larian writing and Minthara

It's interesting to consider how Larian's struggle with overall plot impacts their character writing, which is otherwise usually quite stellar. Minthara seems a good example. From what I gather, the Emperor was not a part of the early access version of the game, replaced in his role by the player character's tadpole. That is, the whole issue of external control of the True Souls wasn't really there. Apparently, a fair share of Minthara's content was based on that, and since it made into the game unchanged, sometimes it sounds downright disjointed.

Spoilers below this line.

In the current version of the game, Minthara is still all about seeking power and control, but her experience being tadpolled at Orin's hand and later controlled by the Absolute has left her absolutely detesting such divine control. In fact, it's so central to her that her oath as an Oath of Vengeance paladin is slaying the followers of the Absolute; her hatred of being mind controlled and derison for these willingly subjecting themselves to it are brought up on numerous times.

And then Larian went and released Hotfix 21, which brought back cut content that made romanced Minthara break up with Dark Urge if he resisted his father! That is, if he failed to become the mind-controlled puppet the aversion to which is so central to her character.

(On a side note, while all the options in the dialog led to her proclaiming something like "it's over, you psycho", her romance flags were not cleared - and frankly, that kind of a scandal is just so hilariously realistic I couldn't watch it without laughing).

So, in the next hotfix Larian removed that behaviour as buggy.

But thing is, Minthara still approves Shadowheart becoming a Dark Justiciar! Calls it "child Shadowhear becoming a woman" and all. But it's the very same submission to a mind-controlling god, if perhaps not quite as directly interfering one as the Absolute or Bhaal!

Makes one wonder if this is more content that wasn't updated from the initial version of her character, who was only after power at all costs.

[shadowheartwhisperer]

I don't know if anyone else does this, but I wanted to share my particular cope with my bg3 hyoerfixation.

Below the "read more" is the roadmap for my playthrough with my resisted durge Dinah, romancing Shadowheart (for the 40th time, I am not being hyperbolic).

Dinah Restart Roadmap

Notes -

Don't learn about Halsin, at all

Get Zorru then save Sazza and follow gut lead then kill leaders after gut confrontation

Agree to kill leaders because you need time to find Iron for Karlach upgrade

After leaders don't attend party, go to creche instead

Nautiloid

- fail to open Shadowheart's pod (time to save scum)

Beach

- talk to Shadowheart, don't join up

- fight brains

- kill mindflayer

- see Gale but leave without interacting

- rest (urge)

Day 2

- enter ruins - beach side

- get Withers

- find bandits - run for it

- grove fight

- don't talk to Zevlor

- recruit Shadowheart

- rest - how do you feel?

Day 3

- back to ruins

- get Lae'zel

- clear ruins

- rest - hand hurt

Day 4

- get Wyll

- save Mirkon

- play with Alfira

- talk to Arabella's parents

- save Arabella

- find lead on Kagha

- meet Mol - agree to steal idol

- zorru

- save Sazza

- rest - playing with artifact + last night in camp

Day 5

- Investigate Kagha - mud mephits

- go backwards through blighted village (we got lost)

- cross bridge, fight hyenas

- meet paladins

- Recruit Karlach

- expose Kagha

- knock out Alfira

- rest - Quill

Day 6

- inquisition

- Gith Convoy (fail, Shadowheart escapes and resurrects everyone)

- kill Paladins

- steal idol

- talk to Dammon

- rest - Mizora

Day 7 (don't find metal)

- get Gale

- get Astarion

- Owlbear cave

- Scratch

- Smuggler's ring

- Wakeens rest

- kill all gnolls

- meet the zhent

- open barn

- save Barcus

- Necromancers Basement

- Spiders (if we have the stamina) through well

- rest - Astarion bite

Day 8

- Andrik and Brynna

- talk to Zevlor

- goblin camp - courtyard stuff

- goblin indoor stuff

- get brand

- get kidnapped by Gut

- kill Gut

- save Volo

- Ask Shadowheart thoughts on parasite

- rest - Dream Visitor

Day 9

- talk about dream (Shadowheart gets ersatz eye while talking)

- chicken chasing

- poison Goblins

- knock out Minthara

- Kill Ragzlin

- pick off straggler goblins

- rest - ?

Day 10

- return to Zevlor - lie and agree to party

- fix Karlach's heart

- fight Gith convoy

- to Crèche, no party

- rest -

Day 11

- buy what we want from Esther then kill her

- Kobolds

- Gremishka

- Open door to monastery

- place 3 weapons

- rest - owl bear cub

Day 12

- place last weapon

- Enter Crèche

- Do Crèche stuff

- get Lae'zel's son

- Zaith'isk

- Captain

- inquisitor

- prism

- rest - owl bear cub 2

Day 13

- blood of Lathander

- fight our way out of Crèche

- Give Gale last treat

- back to first area

- rest - Voss

Day 14

- bah at redcaps

- auntie Ethel

- Gale gets eye

- into Ethel's lair

- take deal and Mayrina CON +1

- resurrect Connor

- meet Gandrel

- get crossbow

- to grove

- meet Halsin

- get Sorrow

- rest - Lae'zel and Shadowheart confrontation

Day 15

- open Selûnite way to Underdark

- spectator

- bulette

- boooal

- arcane tower - except last floor

- rest - ?

Day 16

- top floor arcane tower

- Duergar on beach

- myconid colony

- Omeluum

- find Baelin

- Filro

- back to colony

- rest - ?

Day 17

- to Grymforge - use brand

- architect dude

- rothe

- get Shar idol

- conspire with duergar

- return Sargent's boots

- talk to gnomes

- fight merregon

- fight ooze

- find Philomen

- kill dudes by water

- Poison slavers

- talk to spiders

- kill myrmath

- rest - ?

Day 18

- Nere

- get monk necklace

- turn in head

- last minute shopping

- rest - ?

Day 19

- take elevator to Shadowlands

- send Elmister to camp

- talk to crew

- learn about Shar worship

- save Harpers

- meet He who was

- talk to Elminster

- talk to everyone

- start long rest - Mizora

- ask about Shar Worship

- rest - dream visitor

Day 20

- test dark Justiciar Convo

- to last light

- get Karlach upgrade

- talk to Mattis

- talk to Florrick

- talk to Cerys

- talk to Alfira

- talk to Barcus

- talk to His Majesty

- talk to Raphael, no Astarion

- talk to Mol

- shop

- talk to Rolan

- talk to Jaheira

- talk to Isobel

- fight Marcus

- start long rest

- ask to get to know Shadowheart

- rest - Sceleritas

Day 21

- Mother Superior?

- memory?

- shitload of shopping

- Harper ambush

- save Rolan

- back to last light, check on Rolan

- talk to Bex

- talk to Shadowheart about hand hurt?

- rest - dance with Wyll?

Day 22

- Gerringothe Thorm

- finish off patrol

- moonrise

- trial

- Dungeons

- save gnomes, teiflings & Minthara

- tell Isobel you won't hurt her

- recruit Minthara

- talk to everyone

- start long rest

- missed our chance?

- rest - Gale?

Day 23

- blood merchant

- gnoll Control

- talk to Z'rell

- explore Balthazar's room

- explore moonrise

- meet absolute

- rest - blood merchant talk

Day 24

- Back to first area

- get noblestalk

- go past poison geysers area

- get mithril

- fight grym

- forge stuff... Dunno what

- rest - drinks with m'lady

Day 25

- maybe don't talk to her right away

- any other cleanup stuff that could be in first area

- back to Shadowlands

- Thisobald

- get ledger

- town square fight

- find Arabella

- start long rest

- dtr with Shadowheart

- rest - ?

Day 26

- back to he who was

- fight trees

- play hide and seek

- shopping

- rest - ?

Day 27

- find Arabella's parents

- Malus Thorm

- morgue

- Kua toa

- up the hill to Raphael

- tell Arabella bad news

- rest - ?

Day 28

- wake art cullagh

- defend portal for Halsin

- shop!

- clear moonrise docks

- enter mausoleum

- talk to Arabella - cooled off?

- rest - ?

Day 29

- Enter temple of Shar

- first trial

- wall of bone and blade

- learn about trials

- to camp - talk about being in temple

- Meet Balthazar - agree to work with him for now

- kill Yurgir

- lick spider/start rat fight

- finish rat fight

- rest - stupid Raphael

Day 30

- last minute shopping

- town square trials

- Shar Olympics

- pray before Shadowfell

- last, last minute shopping

- questioning faith Convo, pretty please?

- enter Shadowfell

- kill Balthazar

- save Nightsong

- talk to camp

- to last light by way of shadowed battlefield

- talk to Isobel

- assault on moonrise

- Ketheric first defeat

- dtr with Shadowheart part 2

- rest - urge

Day 31

- illithid colony - Shadowheart, Wyll & Jaheira?

- get Us

- save Zevlor

- mizora

- get Wyll's sword

- remember to fucking talk to companions!

- check Durge pod

- Kressa

- big room full of dudes

- Brain machine

- kill Ketheric

- talk to everyone in moonrise

- leave moonrise

- rest - Shadowheart truth (no talk before sleep)

Day 32

- take Halsin to Oliver

- break curse

- Selûnite Resistance quest

- ritual circle

- last minute shopping

- gith patrol

- double, triple, check done with everything

- leave act 2

- chat around camp

- smooch lady many times

- rest - fucking stupid emperor

Day 33

- talk to everyone

- enter Rivington - Shadowheart, Jaheira, and Minthara

- swap Shadowheart for Wyll

- meet Ferg - bound weapon buy all shit

- swap in Astarion

- Talk to strange ox (w/Astarion and Minthara)

- meet gur

- back to main team (Shadowheart, Lae'zel, Karlach)

- help refugees in house

- enter circus, don't talk to dryad, maybe dribbles (save scum to learn if it effects love test)

- genie

- get trident

- meet necromancer lady

- steal hat

- go to open hand temple

- agree to solve murder

- help monk

- fight doppelgangers in cave

- exit to beach

- find dying guy/Orin

- fight guild and stone Lord dudes

- rest - Vlaakith

Day 34

- meet Ferg w/Shadowheart

- break into toymaker's basement

- Wyrm's Crossing

- meet gnomes

- take Astarion to meet siblings

- shakedown toymaker

- talk to stupid fucking elephant

- Voss

- tell Raphael to fuck off

- circle back to learn about bear bombs

- Harper ambush

- Wyrm's Rock

- learn Bhaalspawn heritage

- steal flaming fist uniform

- coronation

- rest - mizora (sandcastles?)

Day 35

- lower city

- talk to Jaheira

- find guild

- talk to nine fingers

- counting house

- get Minsc through back entrance

- back to guild, deal with Zhent

- rest - Minsc and Jaheira watch me sleep?

Day 36

- follow up on murders

- elf song

- rats in basement

- stupid emperor dumb shit

- save lady at wine tasting

- find bodies

- talk to lady at salty mermaid

- save Figaro

- meet Araj

- stop the presses

- rest - ?

Day 37

- hag survivors

- follow up with Vanra's mom

- salty mermaid, Ethel

- fight redcaps

- fight masked people

- fight Ethel, save Vanra

- follow up with Vanra

- follow up with Mayrina

- rest

(Should have had either kidnapping or Astarion family reunion at this point maybe both)

Day 38 (swap to immediately after kidnapping, if needed)

- Get elf song room

- go to coffin makers place, whatever

- unholy assassin

- buy all good stuff

- kill Saravok anyway

- snoop to learn about Orin

- go to sewers

- fight dumbshit sorcerer

- buy sweet druid robes

- open way to Bhaal's temple

- rest - ?

Day 39

- Bhaal trial

- find brain rats

- chat with Sceleritas

- go to Orin's room

- chat with her mother

- confront Orin

- kill Orin

- huzzah!

- rest - ?

Day 40

- find grave, leave night orchid

- find grafitti

- house of grief maybe?

- prepare to cry maybe?

- if we have stamina - fight poltergeists

- rest - cry my eyes out

Day 41

- go to hell

- house of hope

- kill Raphael, the bastard

- steal Voss' Silver Sword for me

- get Lae'zel's silver sword

- find mummy lord

- find zombie

- track down organs

- kill mummy lord

- return to Oskar

- tell Jannath she can do better

- rest - ?

Day 42 -

- Save Volo

- break into foundry

- talk to blind dude

- wavemother, agree to kill monster

- to society of brilliance

- talk to Blurg

- Jaheira's house

- sorcerers sundries

- fucking Aradin

- Laroakan

- Vault

- stupid Gale

- meet Mystra

- shopping, stalk up for iron throne

- Worg warehouse

- rest - ?

Day 43

- Iron Throne

- get Wavemother dress

- how are we feeling? If all good start ansur

- love test first

- do all trials

- rest - ?

Day 44

- fight ansur

- feeling ok? Start Cazador's Manor

- clear upper level

- rest - ?

Day 45

- talk to skull

- kill Cazador

- prepare to cry

- not too beat? Fireworks!

- rest - ?

Day 46

- *sigh Gortash

- lead out to roof? Stand in one place, ranged only? Either way, try not to set off traps

- talk to other 2 first, then karlach

- cry

- talk to companions again

- cry

- talk to Karlach again

- cry

- anything to clean up?

- rest - ?

Day 47

- anything you've forgotten?

- did you steal the tithes?

- did you find dribbles?

- mindflayer in windmill?

- dryad sex worker?

- adventurer's dad?

- double, triple, quadruple check

- rest - ?

Day 48

- brain rats

- fight brain

- win!

[ghostwise]

rinny dark urge run??? aya?/?? an introduction....blease... 👀👐also would love any of your thoughts on the dark urge run so far too <3 <3 <3

OH MAN Isa I'm going to take this as a sign that I need to liven up the place and post way more about my Durge playthrough. It's been a ton of fun.

Aya is my elven bard, a morally grey Dark Urge with a strong hedonist streak. She's a scholar and a poet and a compulsive liar who loves drama, but I feel she'll wind up resisting the urge because she cannot abide being told what to do. She laid it out pretty clearly when she first was reacquainted with Sceleritas Fel; if, when, and how she kills is up to her. If she chooses to indulge she deserves to at the very least remember it!

Yeah her memory loss is quite upsetting to her.

I think it's explicitly canon that Durge has some degree of TBI; the fainting, the lapses in memory and cognition, the headaches all point to it. I initially thought it was post-concussive syndrome, but Omeluum is able to reveal that Durge has lesions in their brain--akin to something burrowing through the brain matter. This girl has been functionally lobotomized, or nearly so, anyways. (I'm super curious as to whether we'll get clarification on when this damage happened.)

Aya starts act 1 in shambles. She's a mess, hardly able to fight. Shadowheart quickly latches onto her; she sees her deep wounds and uses her healing magic to coax Aya back to health, day by day. She relates to her memory loss, and she's also the first one who sees Aya's surgical scars. I think she's taking a bit of a liking to her; or at least, she enjoys trying to fix her up lol.

Aya holds a mutual respect for Lae'zel. Funny enough, they're both kind of out of their depth for different reasons (Lae'zel being unfamiliar with Faerûn and Aya being unfamiliar with everything), so they tend to defer to each other's judgments, even when these are not entirely accurate.

Karlach strikes me as showing a deep understanding of what Aya's experiencing. She notices her symptoms right away--such injuries are not uncommon in the Blood War--and she flat out asks, "Have you all noticed she's having seizures?" I think she regards her with deep compassion, which, oughhh. Will she be worthy of it? Who knows!!

She's romancing Astarion but it's shaping up to be a fiends with benefits type of situation so far. They share a sense of humor and are often in cahoots, but just as often they are on each other's nerves. Maybe it'll sort out into some genuine fondness. But the idea of two morally grey people just teaming up and continuing to be morally grey just in different ways is so compelling sdfghdfg

Her nickname pre-memory loss was Sabandija. She likes to sing to people as she kills them. 👍🏽 Her voice claim is Natasha Shneider.

[tragedy-peanut-gallery]

Okay I know like two people liked the one post about my bg3 characters but FUCK IT!! I’m posting them anyways for those two people!!! (And for myself cause these are my enrichment hours tee-hee 🤭)

Got some sweet sweet lore under the cut for em too >:) (a bit of a spoiler alert for the Dark Urge so….. yuh-)

Okay so this first one’s name is Dahlia and she’s from my first ever playthrough of the game. I based her off one of my old dnd characters and she was supposed to be this disney princess-esque character who’s super sweet and polite and charming- only for me to realize that there’s almost no polite options in game 💀 so she’s more neutral good but a bit of a bitch with enough rizz to convince a demon to kts so…. That’s kinda neat, ig. Her whole story is that she’s a runaway noble who abandoned her siblings because she wanted to pursue a career in puppetry instead of being in some stinky betrothal and then got yoinked by the nautiloid so decided that Cool, I’m An Adventurer Now. Of course she’s romancing Karlach cause that’s my wife <3 unfortunately tho I didn’t like what was going on in that playthrough cause again, it was my first time I had no clue what I was doing, so Dahlia has been abandoned in the saves until I have enough strength to restart with her some other time rip sweet princess :(

This second one is Pearl, my current tav playthrough! She’s not a tiefling, believe it or not, I just had a mod that let any race have horns so she’s just a kinda fucked up half elf. Girlie’s chaotic good in the sense that she does the right things sometimes, mostly if she can make a profit while doing it, honestly she was supposed to be a criminal but I messed up during character creation so she’s an acolyte so…. Idk, her story’s that she was on the path of becoming a criminal so her parents sent her off to a temple to straighten her out but she just ended up running off and becoming a cool city bounty hunter (and learning abt religion which is RICH cause she’s a fucking dumbass and int’s her dump stat) Was planning on making her the Superslut run character who sleeps with everyone but she only successfully slept with lae’zel before falling head over heels and simping for wyll, so she’s getting a silly lil fairytale romance, good for her <3

Third one’s Clover, my durge, my sopping wet sad lil rat that I found in the dumpster. She’s just a plain ol human who’s trying her darndest to be a Lawful Good Person™️ but whoopsies! She’s a dark urge person and has to constantly resist her endless bloodlust! Ngl she was a pretty bad person pre-tadpole (which is a given cause…. Bhaalspawn), but ever since she has her memory wiped she’s become convinced that Actually, I Am A Good Paladin! The weird happy feeling she gets when killing people is because she has a strong sense of justice guys, she promises!!! Currently she’s romancing Shadowheart and trying her best to convince her friends to do the Right Thing, and she’s severely fighting violent thoughts every time they point out that she does bad things sometimes *cough* ALFIRA *cough*. It’s okay when she does tho cause she has very big sad eyes and cries and feels guilty after doing a bad thing!!

[great-tusk]

BG3 for the fandom ask!!! - @zomboyfren

@zomboyfren, ty for the ask!!! This is going to be fun to answer, since anyone who doesn’t know the characters is gonna get to see some of these goofy ass names. There is genuinely a character named Wulbren Bongle, and he will appear later on this list.

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

Shadowheart <3. My little Sharty-poo. I even made her in Miitopia on the Switch.

I also think about Minsc and Jaheira a shit ton because I ship them so much and the ship makes me crazy. I’m so passionate about it AHAHAHA. I don’t understand why it’s such a rarepair. I also selfship with Minsc, so most of the time, I see it as a V poly with him in the middle.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

Quentin (my main character), especially resist Dark Urge Quentin. He’s so adorable. He has the cutest smile and a little ponytail and a love where his bf truly believes in the goodness inside of him. Quentin, you will always be famous (and a canon character) to me. He’s my baby because I created him, and he’s shaped like a beautiful perfect boy.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

KETHERIC THORMMMMM. He’s so overlooked because Gortash and Orin are attractive to people, and Ketheric does not have the same PRETTY PRIVILEGE!!!!! But he was like originally planned to be a companion. That’s how good deep down redeemable villain he is!!! He genuinely loved his daughter and wife with all of his heart, and grief consumed him. If you bring up his wife and how he can still choose good instead of evil, he will sacrifice himself instead of fighting you.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

If you knock out Alfira as Dark Urge right before the night where you regularly kill her, she will be replaced by an adorable Dragonborn!

Her name is Quil Grootslang (Qu name like me!) and she’s a sweet bard who loves romance and throat-sings.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

Born from incest, loves to kill people, Bhaalspawn. These are all traits of my beautiful angel Orin. Do I like her for the above traits and her personality, or do I like her because she’s hot? I’ll never tell 😉.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

Doomed deep gnome yaoi, save me. Save me, doomed deep gnome yaoi. I don’t need to censor this in case someone likes Wulbren Bongle. I have never seen a human being who enjoys this character. Someone made a song hating on him.

A man (Barcus Wroot) who considers Wulbren Bongle a close best friend goes through a shit ton of effort to make sure that he ends up safe, insisting that I need to help him. I have to be the backbone of a prison break to save him. But everyone ends up safe and sound. I’m so relieved, and talking to all of the newly freed prisoners. Everyone else is fairly kind to me, even the more sarcastic characters seeming to be grateful. So I go up to Wulbren last, and he basically tells me to fuck off. He says he’s busy. No thank you, no reward. He could not have done it without me. I gave him the weapon needed to break through the wall, and there was no chance that he would find someone else to do it for him in that evil ass prison. But he tells me to get lost.

So I go and find Barcus, who’s ecstatic that Wulbren is free. Immediately asks me where he is, and starts searching the big room. When he finds him, he sprints over and starts talking about how excited he is to see him again. Wulbren’s response? Essentially telling him to fuck off, too. Barcus still ends up thanking me and giving me a quest reward.

I’ve heard that Wulbren Bongle gets even worse in Act 3, but I have a confession to make. Other than this one, I haven’t had a run where the deep gnomes survive this far LMAOOO. So I haven’t seen Act 3 Wulbren Bongle. I will update you on how much he sucks there once I get there.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

Gale. Nothing against him, just feel like he belongs down there. (Up there? I’ve never seen Supernatural.)

[wetcatspellcaster]

Follow up to the romance question, did you Ascend Astarion in any of your playthroughs? And did anyone else get their version of a “bad ending”? Whether this was unintentional or by design!

hey anon!

this is where only playing Act 3 once so far is going to show :'))

everyone got their 'good' endings in my playthrough, although my Gale storyline was bugged so I didn't really get his story? just the Professor outcome? On the more ambiguous end, I saved Shadowheart's parents due to some very specific 'no dead parents in my escapist fantasy media' requirements, and Karlach and Wyll (freed from his pact) went to Avernus together, back in the days I dreamed of an Avernus DLC.

I'm currently playing a resistant Dark Urge so I imagine it'll be the same again.

to be honest, I know I'll sound like a major hypocrite but I don't think I'll Ascend Astarion in game unless I was in a playthrough where Tav doesn't find Vellioth's lore explaining both the higher cost and how Cazador became the person he was. As I've said a couple of times, whatever the disk-horse is, it isn't the personality or the relationship dynamics with Tav that are the sticking point for me - all of which were interesting and compelling enough to make me want to write a fic about it - it's the '7000 people killed'. in the same way I'm like "you know what, killing refugees *is* a line for me actually" I just don't think that decision is something I will find all that fun. I don't judge anyone for doing an 'evil' run or making 'evil' decisions, I am not taking any moral highground, I am just unfortunately a very tired person who fights my depression by picking optimistic outcomes in my escapist fictional pursuits.

The one thing I would change on a playthrough is potentially the decision with Shadowheart's parents, because I think in a romance you know you can support her afterwards through her grief, whereas as her friend I just didn't want her to live without her family :') I would also consider Ascending Gale, if not for the fact that I'm very shallow and god-mode makes him look like the silver surfer

[ryttu3k]

Current masterlist of BG3 runs

Spoilers for most game ends and outcomes.

Summary

Complete: Custom Tav 1 (Tae, pastel drow druid/cleric, romanced Karlach)

In Process: Dark Urge 1 (Tavias, resist!Durge half-elf sorcerer, romancing Astarion)

Pending: Dark Urge 2 (Sativa; Sativa 1.1, Sativa 1.2, Sativa 2.1, Sativa 2.2), Custom Tav 2 (Sascha), Custom Tav 3 (Etavia), Astarion 1, Astarion 2, Astarion 3, Astarion 4, Karlach 1, Karlach 2, Gale, Wyll, Shadowheart, Lae'zel, unknown respec run

[current spreadsheet]

Complete

Custom Tav 1: Ta'varin 'Tae' Arkenval (see also: here). Chaotic good pastel fluffball. Surface drow, level 11 Circle of the Land Druid, level 1 Cleric of Eilistraee. Romanced Karlach, went to Avernus with her and Wyll.

In Process

Dark Urge 1: Tavias, resisting the Urge. Soft boi, trying his best. Wood half-elf, Draconic Ancestry Sorcerer (Gold/Fire). Romancing Astarion and Halsin.

Pending

Dark Urge 2: Sativa, gives in to the Urge. The first murder will be her softer side. High half-elf, Bard/Storm Sorcerer. Will have Ascended Astarion, Dark Justiciar Shadowheart, Vlaakith-sworn Lae'zel, Would-Be God Gale, Minthara. Jaheira gets sacrificed to Sarevok. Karlach, Wyll, Halsin, and Minsc absent.

Branches twice - both start with hooking up with Minthara then starting a romance with Astarion. Sativa 1.0 stays with Astarion, Sativa 2.0 offers Astarion to Araj, sleeps with him, and they break up, before romancing Minthara. Sativa 1.1 and Sativa 2.1 reject Bhaal and destroy the Brain, Sativa 1.2 and Sativa 2.2 become Chosen of Bhaal and claim the Brain in his name, with all characters ending up thralls.

Custom Tav 2: Sascha Vykos, aasimar and unintended enabler of chaos. Romancing Gale, God end. That's God end, not good end. This is... definitely not a good end.

Custom Tav 3: Etavia. Tiefling Cleric of Selûne, full Enemies to Lovers romance with Shadowheart. Probably a fairly standard 'good' run.

Astarion 1: Romances Gale. Respeccing from Thief to Arcane Trickster after 'channelling the Weave' scene. Soft 'they can fix each other' run.

Astarion 2: Defying devils and diabolists to fall in love instead (Karlach and Wyll). Will end in tragedy because Karlach always dies in a spawn Astarion run, and also Gale is going to sacrifice himself ;_;

Astarion 3: T A D P O L E T I M E . The gods never saved you - the mind flayers did. Siding with (and romancing) the Emperor, using illithid powers and the astral-touched tadpole, and Ascending. Taking over the Netherbrain alongside the Emperor, all others ending up thralls.

Astarion 4: Romances Halsin. Multiclassing into Druid for wildshape shenanigans. Become d i r t w i z a r d.

Karlach 1: Romancing Wyll and Astarion. This time, she lives! Finishes in Avernus with her lovers.

Karlach 2: Romancing Shadowheart and Lae'zel. Chooses to become illithid and ends up staying with her lovers in Faerûn.

Gale: Romancing Astarion. The one where they make each other better instead of making each other worse. Respeccing to Storm Sorcerer (but keep a level in Wizard for scroll learning).

Wyll: Romancing Karlach and Astarion. Finishes in Avernus with his lovers (hopefully). Multiclassing as Bardlock, because fancy dancer.

Shadowheart: Romances Karlach and Lae'zel. Chooses to keep her parents alive, but then has to choose to stay with Karlach, since she also encouraged Wyll to stay with Mizora to save his father...

Lae'zel: Romances Shadowheart and Karlach. Chooses to become illithid to save Orpheus from having to do so, then opts to kill herself rather than live as a mind flayer.

Unknown!: Everyone gets respecced! Origin run or Tav/Durge? If Tav/Durge, play Rogue or someone who learns Knock. Currently thinking: resist!Durge whose Dream Visitor looks like Alfira in an attempt to guilt trip them into doing what the Emperor wants. Arcane Trickster Rogue. Definitely more 'trickster' than straight-out evil, enjoyed causing a bit of chaos, which is very moderated by the brain surgery into the more harmless realm. Gnome? Gnome would be kind of fun. Romance or nah?

[catt-nuevenor]

Same person who sent the initial bg3 ask here! I absolutely love your analysis of Shadowheart! I agree with you about her big act 3 choice (trying to be vague just incase others don't want spoilers). I was surprised that the majority of online opinions I've seen argue that the other choice is the better ending for Shadowheart. I just want her to be free and happy—even if the journey to happiness is rocky lol.

"It's the same bg3 person again b/c I also love gushing about this game and I ran out of room lol. As far as starting a Dark Urge run, I 100% have to recommend romancing Astarion. Though, it's 100X better on a run where you decide to be good and resist the urge. It's actually surprisingly wholesome and low-key so much better than romancing him as a normal Tav. He's surprisingly supportive and there's so many great moments where you talk about resisting and becoming better people together."

---

Glad you enjoyed my responding gushing and rambles. I do think the framing of the last scene with Shadowheart's questline perpetuates a lot of the opinions on her parents alive being the better option. I suppose it's neater too, since the game ends a relatively short time afterwards and unlike BG2 we don't get long epilogue cards describing what happens in the long term. No chance to see the full consequences of what being the unfortunate plaything of a vindictive goddess does to a person.

"I felt the wound last night, while you were sleeping. Like some sadistic child, de-winging a fly."

A lifetime with that isn't one I'd wish on anyone.

Onto the Dark Urge playthrough. Astarion and I have a hate/tolerate relationship. If I could lean wholly into the darker options (to get Astarion to the point of liking the Main Character enough), or a straight romance, I'm sure it would prove very entertaining, especially from what I know of the events and 'incidents' involving the Dark Urge. As it is, I was planning on romancing Lae'zel.

I'll popcorn my way through Astarion's excellent personality and romance through the medium of Youtube in the end, I suspect. Tens of hours, even with a quick playthrough of BG3 (I've never been good at speedrunning games), is a long time for me to 'play straight' or otherwise cuddle up to a chap if I had someone other than a female main character.

I will forever adore Astarion's response to Araj (the drow potion lady) in the city:

Araj: "Ah, and the heart-stopping bloodsucker. I hope you've changed your mind. My neck is yours, any time."

Astarion: "And I will keep refusing until the end of 🎵time🎵!"

But we make snarky allies at best.

The end of his questline makes me overall begrudgingly fond of him. Like a great fluffy Persian cat that you just know is going to take the utmost pleasure in biting you, but you still let snuggle up to you regardless.

[nottherealskittles]

I drew my main 4 tavs/durge! Here’s their blurbs from left to right:

Myrkelin

Type: Tav

Pronouns: she/her

Race: Mephistopheles tiefling

Romance: Minthara

Class: Wizard (necromancer)/ paladin (oath breaker)

A former paladin of Kelemvor turned necromancer, she’s caught between feeling like she can’t become better because she’s fallen too far and losing what little she has of her morals furthering her skills in necromancy. Currently, she’s on her way to the goblin camp so let’s see how that goes. She hasn’t met minthara yet and no one seems to be overtly interested in her at camp so she’s alone with her bones.

Sehanine

Type: Tav

Pronouns: she/her

Races: Moon elf/drow

Romance: Shadowheart

Class: Cleric of Selûne (life domain)

A child born of an unusual pair, Sehanine struggles with the expectations of each part of her identity. She wants more than anything to be seen and exalted by her goddess, to know that she is enough. Currently she’s in the goblin camp trying very hard not to just romantically gaze at shadowheart instead of fighting — bb girl was really just smiling like an idiot when shadowheart was talking about Shar’s doctrine, she’s such an useless lesbian.

Soltaros

Type: Durge

Pronouns: He/Him

Races: Aasimar/High Elf

Romance: Astarion

Class: Cleric of Lathander/Paladin of Lathander

Born to an aasimar of Lathander and what was thought to be a high elf, Soltaros was tainted with the dark urge as a child and stolen from his aasimar father to be a pawn in Bhaal’s game to gain more power. He remembers nothing of his past but feels the pull to his god and hopes to be born anew under Lathander’s forgiving light. He is my first durge and I’m actually so into this whole narrative I’ve crafted for him I might have to write it out. Currently he’s in the gauntlet of shar being very upset at the lack of light but at least Astarion can get more critical hits. He’s trying very hard to resist his urge and so far so good! I’m rooting for him 🥹

Arvandor

Type: Tav

Pronouns: He/Him

Race: Drow

Romance: Wyll

Class: Swords Bard Cleric of Eilistraee (based on a build video by HoboZone on YouTube!)

Faithful to eilistraee, the good goddess of the drow, Arvandor was trained to be a swordsmith, providing arms for his community. He was born to a drow father who escaped lolth and found sanctuary in a seldarine drow settlement and wed a high cleric of eilistraee. He strives to do good and help those in need. The voice I chose for him is surprisingly shy in certain moments and I think that’s so cute?!?!?! He’s just keeping to himself and doing his thing 🥹. He’s currently in sorceries sundries trying to quietly shop for a gift for wyll whom he is absolutely head over heels for.

They are all so special to me and I hope you love them as much as I do. My blorbos 😭😭😭

[sandstormdrawz]

a lovely mutual asked about my tavs (@beecreeper 💛) so now I have an excuse not to shut up about them

my own personal tavs on my solo runs arnt much to talk about I was still kinda learning the game, just two teiflings.

I don’t have any lore about them cause most of them were jokes

The dragon born and teif were Jackie and Bard (my friend was doing a Jack of all trade run and I was following a dumb joke about a bard character named Bard Simpson) Jackie is romanceing Shadowheart and Bard is Laezels weak little bf. no extensive lore but  they are both evil and pretty much only Laezel shadowheart Astarion and Gale are alive there. We’re going for the bad ending in everyone’s story. bard is an embrace the urge dark urge (sorry Isobel)

I have a drow named Mulrhune she’s an oath breaker paladin whose romancing minthara, they share a playthrough with my friends Gnome/custom goblin Rasben we’re going for a good playthrough and Rasben is a resist the urge durge

My most recent playthrough is probobly one of my favourites where I Have a big dumb Dragonborn berserker named Blacklung (a play on words with Shadowheart) blacklung is romancing Wyll cause he deserves a cute Dragonborn bf who will beat the shit out of mizora (also I like the parallels between Balduran and Ansur except with a happy ending)

My friend playing a reflavoured halfling draconic sorcerer named Defnota Kolbold as they were very upset at no kolbold playable race 

[villanbelle]

In Sunshine or Shadows

I haven't posted to tumblr in forever, but that dock scene for romanced Astarion especially... I just couldn't let it go. I wrote this as the idea wouldn't leave me alone and thought someone else might enjoy it. Set between Karlach's ending and the morning chat with Astarion.

Astarion x Female!Durge (half-drow named Greyafae) Fluff, hurt/comfort, dancing and the tiniest mention of implied smut. Slight spoilers for the dark urge storyline

AO3 Link

With one final burst of flame, the portal to Avernus disappears with Karlach and Wyll inside. It leaves behind a warm kiss against Greyafae’s cheeks that’s quickly stolen by the breeze, and a ringing in her ears that fades as she stumbles to her feet.

She turns toward the others and feels Shadowheart’s eyes follow her as she nears. She spares her a glance and sees the quirk of the cleric’s lips as she says, “I shouldn’t be surprised Wyll volunteered to go with Karlach, I’m just glad she agreed to go back to Avernus after resisting for so long.”

Greyafae doesn’t respond as she marches past, trying to keep from tripping over her feet as each step quickens with every thud of her boots against the dock. The faces of her friends fall into frowns and raised brows that no doubt come to stare at her retreating back as she passes. But, as she brushes past Jaheira, a tight grip on her wrist grounds her to the spot. “Slow down cub, no use falling and breaking your neck now the day has been well and truly saved”. 

There was a time such interference would be met by a quick blade to the throat, or some other deadly display of irritation. But her murderous urge had been killed and usurped by another desire, one centred around a certain vampire spawn who had just disappeared in a puff of smoke. Greyafae looked down at the offending hand then up to the druid's face. “I need to find Astarion”.

Jaheria’s grasp doesn’t relent and neither does her glare. She narrows hazel eyes as though something well-hidden lays just out of view and squeezes a little tighter. Then she huffs, and as a herb-scented breath hits Greyafae's lips she realises how close their faces have gotten. “Go then, far be it from me to come between true love. Just be sure to tell him there’s a bottle of wine waiting for him at The Elfsong. I know complaining about the flavour is his favourite pastime.” 

Jaheira frees Greyafae’s wrist with a nod as Gale adds, “That’s assuming The Elfsong Tavern still stands after the havoc that’s been reaped upon the city.”

“Ever the optimist”, Shadowheart teases, but whatever reply comes after is lost to the distance Greyafae puts between them as she dashes toward a part of the wharf that has been mostly untouched by falling debris. Enough unloaded cargo stands unshattered with an offer of shelter that hope begins to blossom where fear had taken root. She calls to Astarion, but the screams of seabirds stifles her cry and so she tries again, louder, trying to push past the tightness of her throat and the urge to cast a few scorching rays toward the sky. The taste of bitter ash coats her tongue as she calls once more. No doubt the cinders of a burning house in the distance. But for one second too long, enough time to plant a seed of doubt, she wonders if it’s the last taste of her lover she’ll ever have again. 

“Astarion!” The crack in her voice makes her wince as she descends upon the last row of crates. 

Empty.  

An unfilled barrel bears the brunt of a sharp kick. Rather than face the same fate, those stacked on top tumble over the edge of the dock and into the river. Bitter droplets splash against Greyafae’s cheek as she darts ruby eyes along the view ahead and sighs, knocking the base of her palm against her skull in time with her self-inflicted scolding. “I should have been with you, I should have been with you, I should have been with you. Where are you, first in my heart?”

A slight movement catches her eye in an area of the dock she’s missed, where a few piled crates are hidden away by a mess of tangled fishing nets which now shift in such little motions a poorly timed blink would miss them. “I- I’m over here, darling.”

He is only a few feet away, but sounds so small his voice could be mistaken for a trick of the wind. She runs, skidding on the wet wood beneath her but keeping her balance long enough to  fall freely to her knees before him as though in prayer to the one God who ever loved her back. Astarion huddles in an empty space between stacked wine crates, his knees held to his chest in a tight embrace like a scolded child. His head hangs low, his white curls limp after their group descent into the Chionthar river. His skin has lost the deathly grey, no longer flakes off and flutters in the wind, but is still somewhat ashen and fractured in places. It reminds her of the golden veins streaked across Dame Aylin’s divine face. Though, heaven's touch was nowhere to be seen in the cold, blue cracks on her lover’s skin.

“You're a sight for sore eyes.” She doesn’t mean for it to sound like a joke. He would know by the way her shoulders sit hunched about her ears if he weren’t so fascinated with the floor. At his silence she adds, “I shouldn’t have let you run off alone.”

He still doesn’t spare her a glance, but does shake his head as he confesses in a gentle tone, “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

Greyafae clenches her jaw until her teeth start to ache, then asks, “Do you want me to go?”

Astarion looks at her then, eyes glassy and so impossibly round. “No. It’s just, I can’t stop myself from feeling this shame. This was supposed to be our glorious victory. Yet here I am, banished to the shadows once again. I’m the only one to have lost.”

She reaches out a hand that quickly falls to rest atop her thigh instead. “It feels like that now. But at sunset, you and I can walk hand in hand through the city that we saved, to meet the friends who fought by our side, then we’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms and wake up to a world without any hold over us. I don't know about you, but that sounds like something close to victory to me.”

Astarion opens his mouth to speak but then seems to think better of it. “That was nearly poetic, I didn’t know you had it in you,” he teases with a rasp to his voice after a few heartbeats pass. 

“You’re a good influence on me.”

He barks a sharp laugh, the kind that has his fangs on full display, and the butterflies in Greyafae’s stomach flutter about all the way up to her heart. “Not too good I hope.” His smile softens but lingers enough to deepen the lines around his eyes. “You couldn’t just leave me to sulk, could you?”

She shakes her head and her shoulders loosen, making it easier to offer a smile in earnest. “I want it all too. In sunshine or shadows.”

His unyielding, narrowed, sanguine gaze holds her still then flicks across her freckled face before falling to his feet. She sees, more than hears, his gentle sigh before he meets her eyes once more and asks, “So, do you actually have a plan to get me out of here, or are we destined to linger amongst barrels of rotting fish until the sun goes down?”

A deep hum resonates in Greyafae’s chest, a grunt falling from full lips as she stands up into the sun's embrace once more. It feels like mockery to be bathed in golden rays before him and guilt eats away at her core like flies on rotting fruit. The urge to squint against the sun builds as she scans the horizon, but the sting feels like a pitiful punishment in comparison to what Astarion suffered by its light, and so she peers on unblinking. A crumbling warehouse, torn apart by a toppled building from the street above which has destroyed half the roof and far-side wall sits on the opposite side of the dock. Though, the windows sit up high and enough of the walls stand intact to embrace them both in shadow.

Crouching down once more she tells him, “I can transport us somewhere with a little more leg room.” Then adds with a smirk, “It’s lucky for us you’re almost as good at killing as me. It means I get to save all my useful spells for when it really matters.”

With a tut, Astarion wrinkles his nose as if smelling something awful, but doesn’t bite at the bait. “Ugh, you couldn’t come up with a plan that doesn’t involve dimension door? It’s like you're actively trying to make my day even worse.”

She snorts at the memory of their last encounter with the spell though it isn’t particularly funny. Maybe it’s finally having memories to look back on once again that brings her so much joy. “Perhaps you’d like me to fetch you a parasol instead?”

His pale brows knit together and the half-drow’s grin turns upside down. “I’m glad my abject misery brings you so much pleasure.”

It stings her right in the centre of her chest, no doubt he'd consider that a bullseye. “You know better than that.” 

Astarion relents as soon as the words leave her mouth, his face smoothing back into its mournful pout. “I know.” 

“Shall we?”

He breathes in a steadying breath through his fangs before tipping his head toward her. “Whenever you’re ready.”

The incantation takes just a moment to breathe into life. An ancient, draconic heat wraps around them as her magic whisks them away to the ruined building. They land with a stumble, and Astarion uses the momentum to run toward the shaded half where the only threat of sunlight beams through windows far overhead.

As hard as her fingers twitch in their desire to reach for him, to tangle in his hair and tease the tips of his pointed ears and trace the fading cracks on his cheeks until all her love pours into them, she knows better. He stands still, glaring at one particular piece of debris by his feet as he drifts away somewhere she can’t follow. It isn’t until he turns her way and catches her looking she realises she’d been doing the same.

“You do realise you’re staring?” It is an accusation rather than a question. One asked by a wounded bird who fears the fox will see his broken wing if it looks too long.

Several quick blinks bring her out of the daze. She straightens her tilted head as her neck begins to protest and tucks a strand of white hair behind the subtle point of her ear. “It’s strange for you to be so quiet.”

He leans forward and gestures a hand toward her. “And what would you have me say?”

“You needn’t say a thing. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

She can see the creases form on his brow despite the distance between them. “Well, we’re all having to deal with things we don’t like, Grey.” Throwing his hands into the air as he scolds her, he adds, “Apologies I haven’t the desire for a witty repartee,” then folds his arms against his chest.

Perhaps it’s the fire in her blood that always makes the sparks that fly from Astarion’s tongue fail to ignite her meagre fuse. Or maybe they fly over her head because she knows he doesn’t mean for them to burn her. So she asks him a question she’d asked once before, after his night of rebirth spent tangled together in the dirt of his grave. “Having regrets?” 

Astarion’s shoulders rise and fall with a sigh before he slouches forward like a puppet with snapped strings. “Still no. It does sting more than I’d hoped though. I truly thought for a moment the change was permanent. That I’d be able to walk in the sun for good.”

“I thought so too, seeing you standing there. It was a cruel carrot to dangle in front of you.”

He scoffs, a sneer making a singular fang poke out. “Compared to the carrots offered by Cazador, and the veritable banquet of sticks that followed, this one I can tolerate. I just need a little time to…adjust.”

A smile rounds Greyafae’s cheeks, yet despite its sincerity she can feel it doesn't quite reach her eyes. “Take as long as you need. I’ll be here, whenever you need me.”

“Thank you.” He closes his eyes, inhales a breath he doesn't need and stands a little taller. “I’m grateful I don’t have to wander back into the darkness alone, and that I get to be here with you.” He turns before he can see her swallow past the lump in her throat and strides toward a piece of broken concrete, large enough to sit on. He sweeps a hand across the top before he does so, wafting away the rising dust before he takes a seat and drifts away into thought once more.

She watches him until a shiver crawls up her spin, a chill settling deep inside her bones. The cling of her damp clothes has loosened enough to be comfortable, still she takes off her boots and sodden socks so she doesn’t have to hear them squelch as she gathers up scattered pieces of broken, wooden beams. It’s quick work to bundle them into a pile, something close to how Wyll would when building a campfire hot enough for Gale to sweat over as he prepares an evening meal. She rubs her hands together as the last piece of jagged wood is placed, a feeling almost like pride making her grin. Resting on a knee, she takes off her bulging pack and rummages through the trove of wonders. Spare daggers, alchemical ingredients and a random selection of potions spill out as she unties the cord. Beneath them all are a collection of crumpled scrolls, simple spells she had meant to sell. Though now, as she shivers again and sees Astarion do the same, a better purpose comes to mind. While some are too damp to be useful, the rest she tears into smaller pieces and tucks into the woodpile. As she grabs a final fistfull of scrolls, a little wooden box beneath them catches her eye. There’s nothing else like it amongst her hoard and no memory comes to mind of why the little trinket was special enough to warrant keeping. For now, however, she focuses on warmth, a simple cantrip setting the wood ablaze.

“Bloody hells,” Astarion curses with a start at the sound of bursting flame and crackling wood.

“Sorry, I meant to warn you.” She means the apology, despite how far away she sounds, but the mysterious box has her mind wandering. Reaching deep into the bag once more, she pulls out her prize and lifts it high into the air as though it were a first-place trophy. A sweep of her tongue wets her lips as she brings the box closer to her frowning face. She turns it over, opens the lid, then leaps to her feet with a gasp as a sweet melody begins to play. “I can’t believe I forgot about this.” A music box, stolen from a decrepit hospital in a cursed land. She floats over to where Astarion watches her and places it next to him on his makeshift seat. Her shadow dances in the firelight as she begins to sway along to the tune, then she offers her lover a hand. “May I have this dance?”

He recoils a touch, no doubt if he had recently fed the tips of his ears would be a pale shade of red. “Don’t be silly, now is hardly the time.” Despite his objection, his wide-eyed stare falls to her presented hand.

Her eyes drift to a close as she continues to move, basking in the flames that warm the golden scales curved around her temples. “Pretend we’re at a masquerade, there’s a room full of faceless people with very deep pockets. Or pretend it’s just the two of us in a cottage somewhere, with a crackling hearth and moonlight creeping through the window.”

She hears him inhale through his nose, then breathe out a gentle sigh. “You paint quite the picture.” 

She opens her eyes as his long, nimble fingers slide against her own. He pins her with his stare as he stands and brings his free hand to press against her lower back, pulling her into his embrace until their bodies collide. Her own touch falls to the back of his neck to caress small circles against his cool skin as her arm rests lazily across his shoulder. They lose themselves in each other's eyes for a while, her chin pressed against his chest as she peers up through long, dark lashes. Astarion regards her through a half-lidded gaze, soft as Cormyr silk. If looks could kill, he’d have a road paved with indignant corpses as long as the Chionthar trailing behind him. But if a look overflowing with love and safety and gratitude could melt, he'd reduce her to a giant puddle on the floor. Eventually he blinks and she remembers to breathe, chuckling at the ease with which he is able to take her breath away. Rising onto tip-toes, she presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth and he tugs her tighter in response. She lingers until the spread of his smile brushes against her lips and then, with a satisfied sigh, lays her head against his shoulder. Astarion’s cheekbone comes to rest atop her crown and, not for the first time, she wonders if in another life she’d feel his heart beating as fast as hers where their bodies melt together.

Their dance doesn’t last for long before the song begins to wind down with its final notes. Her heart clenches at the thought of it. But a sorcerer's gifts needn’t always be saved for flinging fireballs into enemy crowds. A subtle flick of Greyafae’s wrist and a whispered incantation has a transparent, blue hand manifest just out of reach. She extends the spell to last more than its usual minute and feels the last of her most potent sorcery ebb for the day. The hand floats over to the music box with nothing more than a thought, large fingers poised on the lever to ensure the song remains unending. Astarion shifts his cheek against her like an affectionate cat and, for a moment that makes her tense, lifts his hand from her back. Though he stills again as his touch returns, a little lower than before, she brings a hand up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck to smooth what feels like teetering peace. But a sudden waft of something like dying embers has her peek over his shoulder once more at the campfire, though it burns as bright as it had a moment ago. Astarion’s questioning eyes fall upon her at the disturbance and she leans in to press a kiss against his temple in apology. As her nose presses close to his curls, however, the smell overwhelms her. The smell, she realises, of Astarion’s burnt skin and scalp clinging to his hair. The sick, heavy punch that lands in her gut has her bury her face deeper into his shoulder again before mumbling, “You can feed on me, if it’ll help?”

“Hmm?” He answers, voice thick like he’s just woken from a slumber.

“If it will help you to heal faster then you’re welcome to feed on me.”

Astarion’s grip leaves her briefly once more before he replies, “I seem to be back to my usual, unburnt self. As far as I can tell?”

She pulls back to look at him, prodding a finger against his chest to emphasise her point. “If there’s one thing we’ve learnt by now, it’s that skin-deep scars are the quickest to heal.” 

He grins, and even in these circumstances it somehow looks so wicked. “In that case, I’ll never say no to a free feed darling. Certainly not from your delicious self.” 

With a shake of her head and a poorly-hidden smirk, she stands on tip toes and wraps her arms around his shoulders in a loose embrace. Astarion presses one, two, three kisses against her neck but lingers on the last one. She feels the scrape of his fangs a breath before he sinks them in with a quick thrust, one hand pressing against her still while the other cradles the back of her head, his skilled fingers caressing her hair like the delicate strings of a harp. The scar from the last time they’d shared a moment like this had faded long ago. A stark contrast to the deep bite carved out of Astarion’s neck, the first scar Cazador ever engraved onto his flesh and perhaps the only one Astarion isn’t even aware of. Despite their off balance hold, they still manage a subtle sway, their bodies moving as one. The press of his lips against her wound lets her know when he’s had his fill, followed by the soft flick of his tongue to capture rogue blood drops which threaten to trickle down her throat. She considers it an honour to be such a rare treat, one relished for succour over sustenance. A thought that makes her stifle a laugh; a bhaalspawn-shaped comfort blanket for a fearsome creature of the night.

They stay wrapped up in each other even though silence is their lone accompaniment, the mage hand floating forgotten by the fire which has long since turned to cinders. Greyafae pulls back to see Astarion’s lashes flutter open like he's been pulled from a deep dream. His curls have come back to life from time and warmth and billow about his head, fluffier than any cloud she’d ever seen. She places a hand against his cheek and rubs a thumb against a spot of dried blood as he leans into the touch. “Thank you for the dance.”

He laughs softly and takes a small bow as they part. “The pleasure’s all mine.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner. Karlach’s engine finally burnt out and, well, I wanted to keep my promise.”

He frowns for a moment and taps a finger against his chin, then spreads his arms out wide.  “At least she managed to survive long enough to rid herself of the parasite. Still, it is a pity.”

“She went back to Avernus in the end, and Wyll went along with her.”

Pale brows shoot up toward his hairline. “Really? So she chose survival after all. Funny, isn’t it? How little we know what we truly want until we hear those midnight chimes.”

“Fear does strange things to people.”

He dips his head in a deep, slow nod. “That it does, darling.” 

Craning her neck upward, Greyafae sees the traitorous sun has sneaked away from the windows to drown their exit in its light. “There’s still some time to kill yet.”

Astarion averts his rounded gaze for a moment, lifting it to look up at the ruined ceiling. “I’d like some time to myself, if that’s alright? You go ahead and meet up with the others. I’ll come and find you when it’s safe to do so.”

She swallows hard, lips pursing for a brief moment as her stomach twists into knots. “If you’re sure?”

“I am.” He tilts his chin forward, nose rising into the air. On anyone else it would look like pride, but his shoulders stoop in a way that roots her feet to the ground and makes her want to fall on scarred knees and beg him not to make her go.

Instead, she takes his hand and squeezes until he returns the gesture and says, “We’ll be at The Elfsong, or whatever's left of it. I’ll see you whenever you’re ready”. 

He brings his right hand to rest on top of hers where their left ones are joined. It takes her back a month or so, to the bottom of Moonrise towers, where he’d left his unbeating heart in her bloody hands and trusted her to help bring it back to life. She can tell by the way his lips fall into a smile, so similar to the one he’d worn back then, the memory echoes in his mind as well. “Thank you, my love.”

True to his word he finds her not long after the sun has set. Their friends cheer for him as he nears their table, deep into their fourth round of drinks, and he scoffs at their inability to hold their liquor with dignity. But Greyafae sees his bottom lip tremble, sees how unafraid he is to bare his fangs in a wide grin as Jaheira pulls out the promised bottle of red wine for him to critique. As the group settles into their cups again, Astarion slips a hand around Greyafae’s waist and whispers a wish against her ear that they hide away from the others for the night, far from the noise and the drunks and the embellished stories. They sneak away up the stairs like forbidden young lovers and retire to the only room with a lone bed. He kisses her first like it’s a question, then again like it’s a demand, and last like a pleading request from a starving man. She answers with a brush of her lips against each cheek, then his forehead, and pretends not to notice how his tears cool the skin on her cheeks. He makes love to her as though their eternity is guaranteed, stopping every so often to kiss her with such a hungry craving it takes her to the cusp of drowning before she has to break away and gasp for air. Afterwards, he falls into a trance with his head on her chest. Though, it's the weight of every win, every loss and sacrifice they’d endured this far which pins her against the bed and has her weep herself a lullaby before falling into a slumber.

When she wakes it's to an empty bed. Astarion stands just beyond an open window, pulling back a rich, red drape to peer down at the dawn-lit streets from a shadowy corner of the room. Though she isn’t quiet, he doesn’t notice as she slips out of bed and pulls on yesterday’s clothes.

“Good morning,” she says with a yawn as she comes to stand in the morning light. 

Astarion drops the heavy drape with a start and turns to her, stepping forward into the spot where the sun had just shone. Something about him feels different, there’s a softness to his stare but a tension that has him standing just a touch too stiff. She can feel an unspoken question haunting the room, but she just offers him time and a warm smile as he returns her greeting. “Hello, Darling.”

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my little fic <3