#dad berating me for getting my car worked on at all + treating me like I’m stupid for taking it to the only place that would do it

[binders-and-beanies]

I am having. A very bad day

[seat-safety-switch]

I’m a plumber. My father was a plumber, his father was a plumber, maybe his father was a plumber. We don’t know for sure. Grandpa was eaten by a tiger working at the zoo that one fateful afternoon, but this story isn’t about that. Where I work is a little company called Fel-Pro.

Maybe you’ve heard of Fel-Pro. You probably use their products. They’re one of the pre-eminent gasket manufacturers of the 21st century. Wherever there’s two tubes in your car that have to have a nice tight seal against each other, chances are Fel-Pro sells something to replace that seal. Are they as good as factory? Experts employed by Fel-Pro mumble and change the subject. Here’s the important thing: they have money, and some of that money goes to feed my kids by way of me fixing their office plumbing once in awhile.

Now, it’s not all roses. My plumber and custodian buddies who work in other companies, they say that people mostly stay out of their way while they’re working. Maybe once in awhile, they’ll get a Super Dad who chats a bit about power tools, or asks some basic questions about their toilet at home, or doesn’t want to take responsibility for having left a cast-iron shit in the tank and then trying to cram it through the manifold using thirty pounds of toilet paper. The usual stuff, right?

At Fel-Pro, it’s different. These motherfuckers have opinions about plumbing, as you would expect from their careers. As soon as they hear even the smallest pinhole leak, the bathroom is filled wall-to-wall with engineers, trying to figure out if it’s a gasket interface issue. Once they realize it isn’t, they start discussing ways to make it a gasket issue.

Anything that leaks is caused by inferior gasketry, even if the pipe itself has split in the middle. They could solve that by making a sort of very long, pipe-shaped grommet gasket to replace the pipe entirely. Yeah, yeah. And then a bunch of these pencil-necks start climbing over top of me to take measurements with their Mitutoyo digital calipers, and video-chat with the toilet manufacturer’s engineers just to call them rookie-level chumps. All the while, the bathroom is slowly filling with water up to our waists, the water-shutoff valve having been removed years before to prevent these eggheads from being tempted to fuck with it.

As any professional would, I started ignoring them, but it turns out that showed up on my performance review. Everyone at Fel-Pro has to be vigilant against leaks, said my boss, a dour expression on his face. He thrust a diagram on how to apply the proper torque pattern to the wax seal of a toilet.

Don’t get me started on how angry they get when they see me using hardware-store silicone bathroom caulking to solve the problem. That’s not the ideal thermal interface, they moan, and start bringing out all kinds of high-zoot polymer compounds, emblazoned with safety warnings in Chinese. Those make the room spin pretty good, and sometimes they get worryingly hot on application, but I must admit they work a treat. One engineer brought me something he stole from a tour he took of NASA and told me to seal a leaking air conditioner drain with it. Well, mission accomplished, buddy: Jim, the custodian I share an office with, had to use a plasma cutter to remove it last week.

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started only doing plumbing repairs in the middle of the night, when the engineers are likely to be at home, berating their spouses for daring to bring Scotch tape into their home.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m a 22 year old INFP in college. I’m at a point where I am deeply unhappy with my position in life, and I’d like your advice for how I should proceed. I want to change so badly and have been trying for so long, but somehow my efforts seem to never amount to any substantial change. I’m really sorry, this is going to be long and contain a lot of backstory. I have a lot of respect for you and have been reading your blog for years, and you seem incredibly wise; however I understand if you do not have the time to answer this. But if so, I appreciate it more than anything.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, whom I still live with. My mother is truly a narcissist, and I believe she’s an xSFP. She’s extremely dysfunctional and can hardly handle herself let alone her children. She has extreme nonconformist opinions (anti-vax, total disregard of modern medicine, arranged marriages, etc) and has instilled so much self-hatred into me. She cannot handle anyone who thinks differently from her. She blames me, my dad, and my younger brother for everything wrong with our household. For the past few days she’s been especially horrible, constantly berating me and calling me a failure. She’s extremely toxic but believes herself to be a saint.

My father is an ISFJ who is a total enabler. He suffers at the hand of my mother too yet will throw us under the bus whenever and never stick up for me or my siblings, even though he too gets treated horribly. I believe if he married a better woman he would’ve been salvageable, as he seems to just adapt to my mom’s views, although he gets so much shit from her too.

I don’t think I’ve experienced genuine love from my parents, ever. They’ve always wanted me to be something I’m not. They never approved of my interests (arts, humanities) or valued my opinions. When I was 17 they discovered that I was self-harming regularly, and instead of helping me, my mother shamed me for months and called me evil, a child of the devil. My father cried and asked me, how could you do this? What did we do wrong for you to end up like this?

I have a whole lot of pain in my heart. I’ve worked on myself to the point where I, when needed, can speak relatively objectively about who I am and my strengths. I no longer self-harm. But in my darkest moments, I have completely adapted the label of “evil” and beat myself up over it.

Despite being 22, I do not have my driver’s license. I’ve had my permit since I was 16, but cannot legally drive on my own. I think I could pass the test if I practiced more. However, that would require spending time with my mother, who’s temper stresses me out to no end while on the road. Its because of this that I’ve put it off for so long. I am too unwilling and fragile to deliberately put myself in a situation where I know I will get yelled at and degraded.

Despite being 22, I am not allowed to dress in anything “revealing”, nor get my nails or eyelashes done, I am not allowed to drink, I am not allowed to date, I have a curfew, and I am not allowed to move out.

A few months ago, I tried to take control of my life. Despite all of my misfortune, I am lucky enough to have a lot of genuine friends who care for me. My best friend and I decided to move out together. We leased a place, made payments, and started packing our bags. Right before our plan to move officially, without even knowing, my parents decided to go on an impromptu road trip to our hometown. I decided not to tell them until we were driving back from the trip… huge mistake. I was mentally tortured for the entire drive back (3 days). They degraded me to no end, guilt tripped me, cried, acted like I had murdered someone. My mom even accused me of being a lesbian for moving in with another girl, which is not only disgustingly homophobic, but also makes no sense!!! At one point my mom screamed so loudly and banged on the car door in anger while my father was driving, and he ended up pulling over on the highway. She blamed me and basically said if we died it would be my fault. Scared me and my younger siblings shitless.

In the end, it was more trouble than worth. Me and my friend called it off easily, having not signed a real lease and only giving a verbal agreement. We paid the rest of the month off and continued to live at home. I had felt like such a failure. I didn’t have a job or anything, but I was so confident that after moving out and being away from all the horrible shit at home that I’d be able to get ahold of my life, develop good habits, and become my own person… but my dreams of independence and freedom were ultimately crushed, and I remain in jail.

Because of that same trip and failure to move out, I became even more depressed. My parents had overstayed by almost a week despite my protests and their apparent dream of me doing well in school, and the school work and feelings were so overwhelming that I dropped almost all of my classes that semester. They don’t know of course, I’d be dead.

I truly wish I could get my life together, learn to love myself, and move so far away from them. I never want to speak to them again, as cruel as that is. They want to marry me off one day. I can’t handle it. But I have no money, no car, I’m struggling in school… I am always thinking about how I can improve or turn things around, and I always take one step forward and then fall 5 steps behind. I hate my body, I hate my incompetence, and I hate my life. I’ve been trying for so long, reading, writing, thinking, yet I can’t seem to get anywhere.

And then there is the matter of my little siblings. 17 and 8 years old. My younger brother (17) told me during that trip that if I moved out he would kill himself because he wouldn’t be able to handle them on his own or deal with them potentially getting even stricter once I left. It made me so sick, that I wanted to throw up. Luckily, he is most likely moving away for college next year after he graduates… which they are okay with, because he is a boy I suppose. My baby sister is a trooper and understood why I wanted to move out and even pretended to be on my mother’s side. However, when I tried, my mom said she would forbid us from talking because I am a horrible influence. The thought of abandoning her with mother makes me want to cry. I thought that maybe I would secretly buy her a phone before I move out and let her keep it a secret to talk to me with. But if me moving away and living my life the way i want to made her life worse, I dont know how I’d forgive myself or make up for it.

But either way, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move out. I hate my body and my bad habits. I try to get clean and become healthier all the time but I can’t stick with it. Something always happens with my mother having an episode and it depresses me to no end and I lose it, try again, lose it. Then with driving. I keep thinking I’ll get my license soon. I never have motivation to practice with her. I need to be able to take my self places to get a job. And even if I do get a job, I know based on my old ones that the stress of home life, my self esteem, and fragility will make it so hard to hold down a job without breaking down constantly or just giving up. And then there’s school. I want to be educated and do well so badly, but it’s so hard with how things are. What should I do? How can I change? I want to escape this nightmare and live for myself more than anything. I want to be content with who I am and comfortable in my body and in my life decisions. I want to be able to voice my opinions and follow my values without being punished, stifled, or suffocated. If I don’t figure out things soon, I fear everything will come crumbling down and the life I long for will never be realized. I promise I try to be positive and appreciative of what I do try. I try to do things that will make me happier and take steps towards a better life. I try to deconstruct my mind so that I don’t fuss over everything and accept even horrible things as they are… But I always get shot down. It always becomes too much, and my progress always becomes undone. It’s like I’m trapped and can’t get out. All I want is the basic right to be myself, unapologetically.

----------------------

You are a young adult and it's an important aspect of young adulthood to establish an independent mindset. I believe you have it already, but your environment is not allowing you to express it fully. This is not your fault, so there is no reason to blame yourself for it.

Blame is a distraction, and it can even lead to problems like self-harm. Blame keeps you hyperfocused on the negative aspects of situations, which drains the precious mental energy you need for moving forward in positive directions. The sooner you can let go of your blaming mindset, the better you will feel and the more rational your thinking will be when tackling problems.

Remember: The blame you direct at yourself is an echo of your mother's way of blaming you. Do you want to internalize her negative attitude? If you truly have an independent mindset, you should be able to separate your own thoughts from someone else's. Where will you find the truth about you: her words or your heart?

With regard to confidence: Most people experience times in life when it seems that problems or obstacles are too big to surmount. The best approach is to break them down into very small steps and manageable goals (requires proper use of Si). By doing this, you allow yourself to feel a relatively continuous stream of small wins that gradually improve your self-confidence. Believing that you are capable is half the battle, isn't it?

With regard to motivation: You say you have good friends to support you and that's a great resource to draw from. Whenever you're feeling down, reach out for some emotional support. Whatever it is you're having difficulty with, get input or assistance from someone more knowledgeable than you. For example, is your mom the only person in the world who can help you with driving instruction? Getting encouragement and support at crucial stages of your path helps keep your motivation up.

Failing to achieve a goal doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. If you believe it does, you are still thinking like a child and it is yet another manifestation of an unhealthy blaming mindset. Failure is really an opportunity. It helps you learn new things. It helps you improve your knowledge and skills. It helps you find a better direction. What mistakes did you make last time? What do those mistakes tell you about how to do better next time? An important aspect of personal growth is learning how to turn failure into something educational, edifying, or valuable.

For INFPs, Ne development is necessary for learning how to be resourceful and making the best use of what you have, rather than always getting lost in thinking about what you don't have. You've spent a lot of words telling me how your situation sucks so that I can understand where you're coming from. But I wonder: What is good about your situation? What resources, both internal and external, are available to you? What's the best way to use those resources to achieve your goals?

[quodekash]

um. so.

I noticed this ages ago and promptly forgot about it, but when Win takes off his shirt at the start of episode 6, you can see a mark or bruise of some kind on his shoulder.

and win is always sleeping in class. He was late in episode 6 because he overslept. He wore the wrong uniform, was probably rushing to get ready due to oversleeping. We don’t know much about win’s life at home, apart from the fact that his dad wants him to continue the family car business thing (unless I’m remembering incorrectly but I’m pretty sure it’s something along those lines). his family doesn’t want him to peruse music. That could have detrimental effects on his mental (and therefore also physical) health and well-being. And there’s a bruise on his shoulder…

I’m not at all a professional of any kind in these matters, nor do I have any personal experience in anything like this, so hopefully someone with more knowledge/understanding than me can correct me or agree with me, but it seems a lot like there could be from some kind of ab*sive situation??

Or at least there’s probably some kind of problem with Win’s mental health, cos running late, getting dates mixed up, wearing the wrong uniform, really only having one group of friends that you’ve known for years, constantly starting fights to defend yourself and your friends, being so defensive it’s honestly showing signs of vulnerability/insecurity, “I actually feel like I exist today”, constantly appreciating words of affirmation to a deep level like you’ve rarely ever been told that you’re good enough… it all kind of points to some kind of brain… thingy.

In my eyes, as someone with adhd, I think Win probably also has adhd? The running late and sleeping in class and not really vibing with school (and a whole bunch of other stuff) are very reminiscent of adhd, so that could be why his family potentially doesn’t like him/treat him well

I’m not explaining this well, hang on.

the way I see it, Win is a kid with adhd. He’s never really worked well with school, it doesn’t agree with him. He finds himself constantly running late, always getting distracted, his focus narrows in on this one thing, and suddenly it’s 4am and he needs to go to sleep. So he’s constantly oversleeping, running late for school, and zoning out in class so much that he decides he might as well sleep in class because either way he won’t listen to the lesson so he should catch up on missed sleep while he can. And because of all this, his home hasn’t really felt like a home. His family constantly berates him for things outside of his control, continually yelling and screaming at him for being so unorganised, for being so late, for being so hyperactive. And maybe that anger is brought out into the physical world, is let out onto Win. And not just that, they want him to pursue something he doesn’t enjoy, something that isn’t his passion, and they don’t want him to enjoy the one escape he has, the one place he can go to feel safe and included. He starts masking his symptoms when he’s at home, making him even more exhausted cos masking is so freaking tiring, so whether he sleeps well at night or not, he still needs to nap in class. He spends as much time at the music club as he can, practicing as long as they’ll go, to avoid returning home to the screaming. His friends allow him to be him, they let him release his pent-up emotions, they make him feel a warm happiness he doesn’t experience often. These people stick by his side, day and night. If anyone says anything against them, he takes a stand and speaks up for them, he starts fights because that’s the only thing he knows how to do. During the beach trip, he just seems so… happy. Content. We never see him napping during the day. There’s never a moment where he’s yelling and defending and fighting. He’s friendly and chill and collected and alive. He’s not exhausted from masking, day in and day out, because he doesn’t have to around this group of people. He’s safe, as long as he doesn’t have to be at his house.

As for the inevitable fight… I’m not sure what it’s gonna be about, but Win probably explodes because he’s been having a lot of stuff building up at home that he hasn’t told anyone about, or because a lot happened on that particular day, or something along those lines.

idk if anyone will agree with any of this but it makes a lot of sense in my mind and I think it explains a lot, so I figured I should share it.

[basketcaseeeeee]

The Anniversary Effect. Chapter 2: The car ride.

Warnings: SH, emotional abuse, cheating, mentions of blood, suicide, scaring, trauma, ptsd, angst. So much angst. I think that's it. If there's anymore, please let me know!

Summary: you and your boyfriends relationship was falling apart. One mistaken night, you slept with of his best friends of 10 years. Trying to work through this, your friend group threw a party to try to get back everything back to "normal." Brush everything under the rug. That night, that rug got pulled right from under you. You felt something was coming. Floating around in the background. The uneasiness, growing anxiety. They say the body knows before the mind. You felt something was coming. Floating around in the background. The uneasiness, growing anxiety. They say the body knows before the mind.

You barely slipped into the passenger seat before your boyfriend, Jerrin, was already speeding out of the parking lot. Making your door slam shut in the process. Here we go you think to yourself. He's gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are white. You know what's coming. The beratement, name calling, the yelling.

"You're a fucking piece of work you know that? The one thing I told you to do, the one thing that everyone told you to do, and you couldn't even do that! How fucking hard is it to follow one simple direction given straight to you huh?! Are you that fucking stupid?! I told you to stay the fuck away from! Are you that dumb of a bitch? Fucking answer me!" Holding back your tears, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry, again. You choose anger instead of sadness this time to reply. " Fuck you! I didn't tell him to come outside! I hadn't spoken to him all night until that moment, Jerrin! I was outside alone until he stepped out to smoke. This isn't my fault!" "It's never your fault is it?! Shit just happens around you, right? Everyone else is to blame for poor ol you and your misfortune. You just have bad luck, right? Cursed or whatever? Did you ever think that you're the problem?! Anything bad happens, you're always somewhere involved. Your dad was right. You destroy everything you touch. Anything that happens to cross paths with you, you fuck up and destroy!" "HEY! Stop that shit right now!" Eddie yells from the backseat. "I know you're pissed man, but don't bring her dad into it. You and I both know that's a low blow." Jerrin just scoffs "fine, I'll leave that alone but otherwise, you stay out of this if you know what's good for you."

Eddie knew all about your dad, so did Jerrin. He was emotionally abusive. Always calling you names. Nothing you did was ever good enough for him. Both parents always compared you to your siblings. Being the middle child wasn't easy. They never noticed you unless you fucked up somehow. Made a mess of things. And when they did take notice of a accomplishment you achieved, it was always why can't you smart enough like so and so? Why can't you be as athletic, driven, or talented? You never felt good enough and Eddie knew this. He'd been there for you through it all. Him being your best friend since the 3rd grade, saw how your parents treated you. How your home life was messy. His was too. You only had each other to lean on, for comfort, for any sort of resemblance of stability, safety. You were each others lifeline and you made sure to stay that way well into adulthood. Sticking by each other no matter what. Full on honesty, no matter how hard it was to tell each other. That was the number one rule between you. Of course you didn't always agree with the others life choices. The occasional arguments would ensue due to your honesty policy with each other but you'd always appreciate it in the end. Honestly, it annoyed people how close you were, especially when it came to dating, but you didn't care. He was your family, the only family you ever needed, even if there was no blood relation.

"Don't you threaten him." Your tone low surprises everyone in the car, including yourself. Letting out a crazed cackle Jerrin turns to you "I should have known. It was always there, right in my goddamn face the whole time." Rolling your eyes "known what?" You huff already suspecting what he was getting at. "You're fucking him too, huh?" Now letting out your own laughter, pinching your forehead taking a deep breath before replying "you're fucking kidding me right? I'm such a slut now that im fucking everyone? It that it is? You can't seriously..." He cuts you off by slamming him hand against the dashboard "DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME! I know exactly how you are and yes, you are a slut. A fucking whore, actually. That why you insisted on Eddie living with us? Just couldn't be with out his dick huh? And when you couldn't get his or want mine, you fucked one of my oldest friends Sean huh? Is that it? I bet he's fucked you real good didn't he?" "Shut the fuck up man!" Eddie interjects. Jerrin just laughs as he turns to you. Tears begging to fall, he cups your chin to look at him faking his sincerity with the gesture. "Think your fuck buddy is getting angry back there. Oh, you gonna cry now? God, you so fucking pathetic sometimes." Shoving his hand away "fuck you, Jerrin! The only one who's pathetic here is you. You goddamn piece of shit! Just leave me alone." He just laughs again. As if any of this is humorous. The rest of the ride home is silent. Finally pulling up to your apartment, you practically jump out of the car bolting through your front door to your room. You know, it's only going to get worse from here.

@i-me-mine

[sawx2023]

I kind of hope that fucker tries to say "I just have a lot going on right now, I was really stressed out" about everything tonight because it will be funny. The person I was defending from her before she yelled at me to shut the fuck up is still living with abusive parents, working 3 jobs, in college, and constantly being walked all over. Also, that's what I know about her life, there can absolutely be more. Currently in my life: my grandparents got Covid! Again! Less than a week ago, but they seem fine so far considering how sick they always are. They were fine enough to figure out a way to euthanize their dog, who has been around since I was in elementary school, and has been having a lot of health issues recently. Also, my stepmom (who is more of a parent than my biological mom and I love her) has had a severe rash from an experimental metastatic breast cancer treatment trial for about a month now, and getting that fixed isn't going well, she still gets insanely itchy every goddamn night. My dad recently got diagnosed with yet another autoimmune disease. None of these are even things happening to me personally, just other things on top of how my life generally is. Everyone's stressed out, you still need to treat people like people. If I try to say "don't talk to someone like that" don't just scoff and say "I'm not talking to you." Are you a fucking Marvel movie villain? What the fuck are you doing?

"I've been really stressed..." and you had the easiest close and you still got help with it, then got mad that the people with the more difficult closes were upset that you 1) kept berating one of them for no fucking reason 2) kept going to hide in the office, your car, or the MANAGER'S CAR, WITH THE MANAGER and 3) kept being asked to come cover your fucking position. I'm not going to cover 3 fucking positions. You can do 1. I'm used to doing 2 anyways, I always end up that way (when I do cash!) so. Whatever. You can do one goddamn thing.

[caffeinated-rants]

10/11/2023 - Narcasistic Mornings

Another morning where my mother was on one for no reason right from the moment she woke up.

I have been accused of getting up 10mins before I'm supposed to be at work, for treating her "this way" despite it not being specified as to HOW I'm treating her, never giving her time in the mornings to warm up the car especially now as its getting colder, etc. and how she's done with it.

Was told that she doesn't like and hasn't likes me ever since I started getting therapy and was put on escitalopram (generic for lexapro) and BusPIRone HLC as it supposedly has changed me as person and I'm not the same as I used to be after she berated me for the car not being warmed up and asking what her problem was.

I told her "if you don't like me then why did you choose to have me?" and she kept her rant going the entire 2min drive to my work.

I'm too scared to fucking drive but I also don't want to deal with this anymore. My dad... as much as I want to trust him, things from other members on his side of the family have made me question whether its even a good idea to move in with him if I were to go that route. i don't want to move in with my sister because my nephew is a rotten brat and her own views on relationships and attention are something I don't want to be around either. Her twin has her own family and I wouldn't be able to keep my cats if I moved in with her and I certainly will not abandon them.

My grandparents are too old to have someone move in with them, as well. My 84yr-old grandfather is taking care of his 80yr-old wife who is going downhill with dementia and has to have family members sit with her if he needs to leave the house because she can't be alone.

I want out so bad but with every option not sounding right and my fear of driving, I feel so fucking stuck. I'm finally starting on the path to get my voice back and as a result I'm verbally berated for it and told I'm not me anymore due to it.

My supervisor at work is going through a similar emotional manipulation from her husband and it makes me wonder if I should ask her if the two of us should look for a place to rent (she has two/three dogs, I'd be taking my three cats) but at the same time I don't want to burden her with me not knowing how to drive, relying on her to give me rides to all of my appointments, etc. That isn't fair to her and she already has a son who doesn't have a license either. It'd be a double whammy.

I'm just stuck. As my therapist and psych said, I have a wooden stake stabbed through my chest but I'm too afraid to have it taken out so the wound can be cleaned and begin to heal.

I'm scared to be on my own. I never had real parenting. I'm scared to drive because of accidents I've been in and how bad the locals and out-of-towners (ie. flatlanders) drive these days with all the road rage and tailgating and lack of proper blinkers... I can just see myself getting hit even just as a passenger in a car. I have confidence that I'd do fine as a driver, but its the people around me on the road that scar the ever living shit out of me and make me fearful to drive. And even then, my mom's truck is trashed and my friend's PT cruiser that we bought when she moved was put into my mom's name at the behest of my grandpa due to, again, my lack of driving.

I want to cry but when I try to or feel it about to happe nit literally makes me sick.

[popowerst]

What am I celebrating on Father's Day?

Thanks for covering some of my living expenses while I lived with you.

Thanks for making sure I always had something to eat and clean water to drink.

Thanks for providing a room for me in your home.

Thanks for the the anxiety and depression.

Thanks for what is probably ADHD. Thanks for telling me you suspected you had it too, but only when it got so bad I started talking to my doctor about it. I was 25 years old.

Thanks for the child abuse. Thanks for hitting me, locking me out of the house, and throwing my books at me. Thanks for throwing open my door and screaming at me at random times of the day any time to scare me.

Thanks for being emotionally unavailable. Whenever Mom and I would get into an argument, she would always threaten me "just wait until you dad gets home." Not because you would mediate between the two of us, find common ground, and help us reach a compromise. No. You would come into my room, tell me to stop arguing with my mother, she's right and I'm the kid so I need to listen to her, you would ground me for weeks for having an argument in the first place.

By the way, thanks for pushing me so hard academically. I did really well in school, so it'll be funny if I find out I really did have ADHD all this time. You used to ground me if I left the honor roll list, or brought home so much as a C average in any class until around my Junior year of high school or so. I love when y'all were still treating me like I didn't understand anything when I started taking college-level courses in 10th grade. Somehow I was able to keep a part-time job- because I had to in order to pay my bills- and take 6 AP classes my senior year and still managed to stay on honor roll. Were you proud of me? You certainly didn't show it if you were. At least you came to graduation? You are the participation award of fathers.

You never even wanted to participate in my hobbies. My very few extracurriculars. I could probably count on one hand the number of plays you came to see. You didn't care- you weren't interested. It had nothing to do with supporting me, it would be boring to you so you wouldn't go.

Thanks for making me stay as quiet as possible while at home. Couldn't even practice my recorder in elementary school because it was "too loud." Yet you would watch movies in the living room with the bass booming.

Thank you for making me start working during the summer when I was in high school. I really appreciate the leg up it gave me work-ethic wise over my peers, and who wouldn't want a part-time job at a pizza place? What I didn't like was how you both then started pushing bills on to me when I should've been saving for college- which you never helped with. Picking up something like my phone bill was fine and a good way to teach responsible money habits.

But then you started charging me rent. A third of the total house expenses as a matter of fact. $500 a month, for: one 10 x 10 bedroom, right next to yours, that I was constantly berated for being too loud in, with a shared bathroom. The living room was for you guys. The other two bedrooms and the converted garage connected to the laundry room with the half bath were all used for storage, because you and Mom are both hoarders. You also put me in charge of my own food purchases, to be kept in a mini fridge in my bedroom. There was no room in the fridge or freezer- you keep it loaded with junk. I also had limited kitchen access, not that I knew how to cook anyway. Thank God I had been staying at my girlfriend's place and her mom took pity on me- she allowed me to store frozen foods in their freezer, where they somehow made enough space for me to keep a few things, despite having twice as many people in the house. They also helped me afford a car. And a lot of other important things. I married her daughter. It ended up being one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I am not a materialistic person, so I don't hold this as much against you as much I am just generally appreciative of them, but you weren't financially prepared to raise a child, were you? There were no savings. No help. I was supposed to go out into the world and start from scratch at the age of 17. Full time job and full time student balanced right out of high school. That's cool and all. But that doesn't strike me as something a loving, caring, thoughtful father would do. No, you opened up a joint account with your crusty bank because I almost traveled across the country to go to college, and when I was out of town and the rent was due, you sent me a text saying you knew I could pay it because you checked my account and I had enough. You transferred the money without asking when I was hundreds of miles from home, and all I can say is I'm grateful my best friend's parents were generous and kind to me, because I'm not sure how I would've gotten food that week without them.

I think about you a lot. I want to forgive you. I'm sure you feel these emotions too. You don't understand how to express them. Your generation looked down upon people who need therapy. I know you have unresolved trauma that nobody else knows about but mom and my grandmother. I know your dad left you at a young age. He's shitty and I know life was harder for you as a result. Honestly sometimes seeing how he turned out makes me wonder whether that was for better or worse. The boyfriend that came after him was pretty bad too. From what I've heard, he was just straight up abusive and I can only imagine the effect that had on you. Either way you deserved to have a father figure. Is it selfish for me to say that?

Thanks for keeping my sister a secret from me for years. I still don't know her name. Maybe I'll meet her someday. Mom was the one that ended up telling me about her- I think she still resents that you gave another woman a child years before her, doubly so because of the following miscarriages. Good on you for paying child support. However, this is where I really get upset.

Did you really not have enough self awareness to realize the damage that you can cause by putting a woman and a child in that kind of position? I would think that you, out of all people, would understand the kinds of difficulties that a father walking out of a family would cause. You idiot. Are you absolutely clueless? How could you live your whole life, feel all the ways that you do, meet a woman, get her pregnant, and think that the right role model to follow in this instance was your father? Did you learn nothing?

But coming at you from this angle won't help at all. This would just make you upset. You shut down, stop listening. You want the patience that you never gave.

I think that you once thought I hated you or that I wanted you dead. That's not true. I love you. Deep down I want to have a relationship with you. I mourn the lack of connection and that's why it's so sour when I see you for a couple of hours every few months. Seeing you is like seeing a grumpy old friend. You don't text, you don't call. You do not know how to make someone feel loved. You never learned that skill.

It's agonizing to have to sit and pretend that everything is okay. It's very damaging to my mental health. But how do I even begin to talk about any of this with you? Again you have no communication skills. I have just begun to develop my own, and I had to do it independently of you. Unfortunately Mom didn't help much either. She's another story entirely.

I feel guilty that I even have these feelings about you. Some people don't even know their dads. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I'm just complaining. But I deserve to complain every once in a while.

I don't know where to go from here. Every time I see you, I have to look you in the eye and act like everything is okay. I keep hoping one of these days I'll get a call from you. A text message. Maybe you'll find my email address somewhere. I want you to open up this conversation. I don't know how to bring it up. Maybe I'll figure it out in therapy. Haven't told y'all that I mostly talk about you when I go.

I remember when I told you I started going. The only thing you said was "therapy's really expensive." And you're right, it is. But this cycle of generational trauma stops with me. You always told me I knew better, that I was too smart to be lazy and I wasn't applying myself. Well here you go. I used my resources to figure out why all the men in my family are awful people, develop the skills necessary to balance those weaknesses, and lay plans for the future that include financial stability, effective communication, mutual respect, and loving my family so much that nobody can deny it.

If you get your act together, I might let you meet your grandkids. Happy Father's Day.

[mysticalrambling]

Hey there😄😄I hope you're doing fine....I love your fanfictionss just too much and *adorable addition* is just my top favorite atory of yours😍😍😍. Yesterday you said i could make a request too so i was wondering if you can take in a request??😅😅 which is a Steve Rogers x reader request, which I had in mind for a long long time...I have made this request to some authors before but some of them never responded or just weren't interested in writing it so you can too decline but hear me out please😅😅... Ok so here goes nothing....

**Steve and reader being in an arranged marriage and steve is very rude towards the reader and would blame her, that due to their marriage he is not with peggy and how she irritates him, but still the reader did sweet things for him, made him food, tried to make him happy and tried to make their marriage work...but one day when she has enough of all the hurt, she stop doing stuff for steve and starts ignoring him..and also steve sees that peggy didn't love him but only his status as Captain America and was happy with someone else..then he realises his mistake and felt bad for treating his wife poorly...he tries to make up things with her but she now ignores him...His team members berate him for ignoring his wife and he gets jealous seeing someone else making a move on her.....and now he has to work his ass off to win back his wife...And can you end it with a happy ending and can it be long also? please🥺🥺

Arrange Marriage (S.R)

A/N: Thank you so much lovely and I loved the plot line. I loved writing about it and I made a few additions to the story. Hope you like it and I am open to more requests.

Steve Rogers Fanfiction (Fanfiction Master List)

Summary: Steve and you are married because the government wants Captain America to be a family ma. Steve is not happy with the arrangement and thinks he is in love with Peggy. You try to make your marriage work but he insults you every chance he gets. However, everything works out eventually.

Warnings: Angst but eventual fluff.

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"I prepared some dinner for you," You spoke out when you saw your husband rushing towards his room. That's right, his room. Even though you were married for about a month now, you have never been in the same room for more than ten minutes.

"I am not hungry." He was quick to dismiss you and went straight to his room. You just looked at the muddy footsteps that were the only evidence that Steve was here. He was on one of his missions with your dad, Nick Fury. Your step dad, actually, because he rescued you from one of hydra base camps when you were eight years old. Those times were something that you have repressed in your mind and you would never think about them.

A few tears escaped your eyes when you kept all of the untouched food in the fridge which you spent hours preparing. You understood that you were not your husband's first choice but you both had an obligation to try to make it work. But lately, it was like you were all alone in this relationship and you felt so worthless.

Wiping the tears away, you made your way to the master bedroom because you had enough. If years of therapy have taught you anything, it is that no one had the right to make you feel that way. "Come in!" His pissed off voice filtered through the door and you took a shaky breath before entering.

"Hi. I just wanted to say that I prepared all of your favorite food and you didn't even look at it." You spoke timidly.

"I told you I was not hungry." He said from the changing closet and came out in his sweats. Looking tired was something not new for Captain America now a days and everyone at work was also starting to notice the change. "Why are we pretending to be like a normal, married couple?"

"Why can't we be one? I am trying here." He looked anywhere but at you because he knew that he would see those damp eyes. That was enough to make him feel guilty and he wanted to prevent that.

"You know why. I am in love with Peggy." The most hurtful thing that your life partner can say to you and Steve just did without taking your feelings into account.

"Then you could have said something before we got married." Panic was slowly setting in because you realised that you were stuck in a marriage that is never going to work out.

"The whole government was pushing me towards this marriage and Peggy was still not ready for that kind of commitment. I was stuck with you." Steve knew that the statement hurt you the moment the words escaped his lips. This was a revelation that rocked your world. And not in a great way, might you add. "You could have rejected the proposal."

"Do you think it was that simple for me? Dad has done so much for me and this was the one thing that he asked off me so I did not refuse. I thought that you agreed to this marriage and we could work it out in the future." Those dreams were being crushed right now and you knew that this marriage was doomed. It was like a hit to your gut and you felt caged in this room with your husband.

"Well, we can not." Leaving the room, you went straight to bed and cried yourself to sleep because there was nothing else you could add to that conversation.

After sometime, Steve came out of his room and made his way towards the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he took out the food to heat it up and realised that you made all of his favorite food. He was never going to admit it but he loved your cooking. Every night he comes in to the kitchen to eat all the food that you prepared for him. However, he realised that you didn't eat any of the food so you probably went to bed hungry. The guilt was eating him up and he felt helpless because he wanted to think that he didn't care about you. But sometimes, you don't even realise when a person is warming their way into your heart.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Steve was home today and you were going out of your mind with boredom so you thought of asking him for some company.

"I am not in the mood." He was quick to dismiss the idea and turned around in the hallway while still scrolling through his phone.

"I just thought-"

"You thought nothing. Why are you so clingy? I told you I do not want to work on this relationship. You are the reason that I can not be with the love of my life. Please just leave me alone.” He rudely interrupted you because he was not in the mood to interact with anyone. Seeing a picture of Peggy on instagram, he became aware of the fact that he could not be with her because he is a married man now.

Peggy Carter had been the first person that he saw when he woke up from the ice after 40 years. She helped him to become Captain America and she was the most important person in his eyes. Those few months were really difficult for Steve but she helped him get through them. Peggy quickly became his girlfriend and when the councilmen wanted him to get married, he was quick to propose. But she told him that she was not ready to take that step and she backed off. He was still pining over her and it was not fair to blame you for everything but he needed to do that to make himself feel better.

“I am sorry.”

“(Y/N)-” You left before he could say anything else. There is only so much a person can tolerate.

Over the course of a few days, Steve noticed that you were indeed leaving him alone. You were not there to welcome him home when he got back from his missions and give him a massage even after he told you not to. You did not cook from him anymore and he really missed it. He loved the fact that you always made his favorites and you never even had to ask him. You haven’t talked to him since the night he yelled at you. Guilt was an emotion that he often felt whenever he saw you.

“So there is a charity event that we both are invited too. It’s black tie optional.” He leaned against the door as he watched you doing laundry.

“Okay, I will be ready.” These were the only five words that you have said to him in the past two weeks and they were not enough. He has missed you and your conversations. The house was too quiet now a days and he didn’t like it one bit. But he was too stubborn to be the one to break the wall.

“You have to wear a dress. Many people will be watching you because you are Captain America’s wife so please do not go with your sense of style.” He wanted to slap himself in the face when he saw you freeze. Why couldn’t he just have said something nice to her? Steve didn’t know how to talk to you without messing it up.

“Okay.” Sighing, he left the room and sulked in his bedroom for the remaining day.

You were never going to say it out loud, but you were really hurt by what he said today and that day. None of it was your fault and you have been thinking about ending this marriage. However, the thing was that you made a commitment and you were never the one to back out from things. You quickly finished doing the laundry and went to take a shower.

“Are you ready?” Steve fixed his bow tie before you opened the room and he was left speechless. You in a red dress with a slit running through the side was a side of you that he had never seen. So bold and outgoing.

“Yes. Just let me quickly apply my lipstick.” Watching you apply a red lipstick left him in a trance. His wife was truly something unique but he just ignored it. Shaking himself out of it, he thought about Peggy and how he loves her. You both left afterwards and the car ride was quiet with the exception of a few stolen glances.

‘We have to go hand in hand and smile for the red carpet.”

“Okay.”

You were always a little scared to walk in to these kinds of events and so you tightly clutched on to your husband’s arm. Steve knew that you were a little bit of an introvert so he squeezed your hand in response.

“I am going to go meet some councilmen.”

“I’ll be by the bar.” Making your way towards the makeshift bar, you ordered a martini and just sat there mixing your drink. On the other hand, Steve made polite talk with the councilmen and then excused himself to the washroom. He heard someone mention his name on his way to the washroom and that piqued his interest.

“Come on, I was never in love with Steve. He was my assignment from the S.H.I.E.L.D and that was it. I had to help Captain America adjust to this life.  I love you, Oliver and that is a fact.” Steve quickly left before he could hear anything else.

Honestly, he couldn’t believe that all those months spent with Peggy were just a lie and he was ruining his marriage because of her. He thought that it would hurt a lot but it was kind of a relief. He was now realising that he was never in love with her. It was kind of an obligation for him because he thought that he somehow owed it to Penny. But he didn’t and now he can finally give his marriage a fair try and not feel guilty about it.

“So what is a beautiful girl like you doing at a bar all alone?” Turning around, you saw Bucky with a smile adorning his face.

“Hi. It’s been such a long time since I last saw you.” You hugged your friend because he was one of the people that you were close to. You actually missed him in these past few months and were glad to see him right now. Getting in to a conversation was way easier than you thought.

“Hey Buck. What are you doing?” Your husband was quick to place his hands on the small of your back and you silently choked on his intimate gesture.

“I am fine, Stevie. Just catching up with (Y/N).”

“Oh okay. Would you mind if I take my wife to the dance floor?”

“No worries.” Silently taking you to the middle of the room, you both got to dancing and your breath hitched when he was so close to you right now. His cologne had taken over all your senses and you were drunk on him. God, it was pathetic but you could not help yourself.

“I want to try to work on our marriage.” You didn’t know if you were hearing things right now so you muttered a silent, “Come again.” He silently chuckled and repeated the sentence again. Looking at him, you stopped dancing and left the room.

“Why did you leave?” He found you at the balcony just staring at the stars with your hands wrapped around yourself. “It’s freezing.”

“Why? Why would you say something like that?” You whispered silently.

“I mean it. I want to try.”

“Don’t you love Peggy?”

“I have realised that I didn’t love her. It was like an obligation to me and I like you.”

“I can’t do this. You insulted me every chance you got and you made me think so low of myself.”

“I know and I am so sorry for that. I will spend my life apologising to you for it. Please, give me a chance.” There were some tears in your eyes and everything was becoming blurry.

“I can’t do that. I will always be your second choice.”

“No, you are not. Trust me, I have had feelings for you but I have been trying to repress them from the very start.” He tried to touch you but you took a step back.

“If we try this relationship thing out, will you promise me that you will tell me when you want to get out. We can get divorced right then and there.”

“I don’t want to be divorced and I will spend my life making it up to you.” He was quick to kiss you and it was way better than your wedding ceremony kiss. “I like you, (Y/N).”

“I like you too, Steve.” You went in to kiss him again and were glad that this marriage was going to work.

Hope you guys enjoyed it!!

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A/N: I love Captain America and I was happy to write a fanfiction about him. If you guys have any more request, I will be happy to write about them and message me if you want to be added to the tag list.

Tag list: @kalopsia-flaneur, @justile 

Like, comment and reblog.

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[wildestdreamsblog]

Ocean blue eyes, looking in mine

Pairing: Bucky Barnes (AU)  x Reader

Warnings: Soft!Dark Bucky, Swearing, Alcohol consumption, Sexual themes, mention of death, drama. If you’re not 18+ please, PLEASE, do not interact. Be mindful of the warnings. Let me know if I miss anything.

A/N: HIIIIII. Thank you for all the replies, reblogs, likes! This is a story set in an alternative universe where Bucky is a single dad. Thank you for all the support! Hope you enjoy! (also ohmygod my first smut???????????????) Sorry for not updating soon! Was not in a proper head space.

Gorgeous: Beginning, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4,  Part 5, End

You opened your door, the incessant knocking woke you up from your deep slumber. You had been slaving away last night to work on your paper that you physically felt your braincells die away. You had been hiding from Bucky ever since he made that statement, successfully ignoring his messages and calls. You were not in the proper headspace to deal with the formidable man.  

"Your woman? Where are we? In the 1800s?" you anxiously whispered to him as he walked you to your door.

He patiently finished for you to speak, looking down at you with his blue eyes, before gently tugging you so close to him. "If you think after last night you aren't mine, then you're wrong, angel."

Bucky leaned down to kiss you goodbye, his hand on your nape to avoid you from moving away from him. "I'm as much yours as you are mine."

But you should know you could only hide for too long in this small town. You opened the door, your skimpy sleepwear only clad by your silky robe. You wished to heavens you changed before opening the door, or rather not open the door at all. Because there he was, standing so tall with his clenched jaw, his eyes covered by his shades but you could feel him looking at you up and down. You tugged your robe closer to your body, "Mr. Barnes, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

He scoffed before pushing your front door wider and stepping inside and walked directly to your kitchen. Shocked at his audacity to treat this as if it was his home you were about to berate him when a pair of little arms hugged you. "Teacher! I'm so haaaappy you're going to the beach with us!"

You were?

And that was how you found yourself fixing yourself and your beach necessities in a bad when your bedroom door opened. Bucky walked in calmly before locking it.

"Bucky! What are you doing here?"

He didn't say anything, just stared at you menacingly before invading your space, tugging down your robe to reveal the tattoo. Before you could react, you felt his lips on it, making you whimpered with sudden need. You pushed his head away from you, which he allowed so he could kiss your neck, your lips. "Don't ignore me ever again."

You stared at him, taking note of the way his eyes were so serious, of the way his could be so intimidating. "Bucky, we can't do this. You are a father of-"

"We are already doing it. You're mine. There's no running away from destiny, angel. Next time you ignore me, I won't be so kind."

You were listening to Braxton telling you stories as Bucky drove to the beach, your hand enclasped in his as he expertly maneuvered the car. "Come here, Braxton. Let me put sunblock on you before you swim, okay?" The beach looked so peaceful, the sounds of waves crashing to the shore were loud. It was a warm day, and families took advantage of it as they play with their children. Braxton could barely keep his excitement as he was visibly bouncing as you put lotion on him.

Bucky's heart warmed with your thoughtfulness. You might have fought against the pull this family had on you, but you wouldn't get far. Couldn't you see how perfect you were for Braxton and him? How you were the missing piece this family needed? How well you took care of Braxton? The little child took off but not before heeding his father's command to stay where he could see him. Bucky sat in front of you, removed his shirt, bearing to you the ripples of muscles he had. No wonder you felt so sore, this heavy man did unthinkable things to your body that night.

"My turn, angel."

"Bucky, you can't keep doing this." you said as you lather his broad shoulders with the lotion in your hands.

"Can't I? But I already am."

"Teacheeeeeer! Let's swim!" Braxton started pulling you from his father, effectively stopping your conversation. You'd admit that you were having fun as Braxton squealed when you were chasing him, Bucky joining and lifted you to submerge you to the water. You squealed against his muscular chest. You made sand castle with Braxton. The father and son duo were in competition to whose castle would be bigger.

"You have a cute son!" even an old lady on the beach cooed on Braxton, "What a beautiful family! He's the perfect age to have a sibling, sweetheart."

"Oh uhm-"

"Thank you! We're planning on it, right Angel?"

We were?

Bucky lifted a drowsing Braxton in his arms as you assisted him on putting the little boy on his bed. Bucky ran his hand over the boy's hair, before kissing him good night. You could see that Bucky was a really good father, showering affections to the little boy that not every father did. He was trying so hard to fill the void that his mother left.

He placed a cup of coffee in front of you before he sat beside you, rather than across from you on their dining table. You noticed how touchy Bucky was- how he'd always have a part of him touching you. Sometimes it was him playing with your hair, sometimes it was his thigh so closed to you, sometimes it was how he constantly found his hand wandering to yours while he was driving. It was like he bulldozed his way to your life- one day you were alone, and the next you were constantly surrounded by Braxton's childlike curiosity and laughter, and his father's constant affection. These were the things you were never used to in your whole existence. You were always just that, alone.

"You're a good father, Bucky." You broke the silence as he took a sip of his beer, his body sitting while facing you, his beefy arm thrown casually around your chair.

"Thanks. I try. But it's not always easy having to raise him on my own." He admitted. "When his mother died, I was in the military. I was away. I was out of my mind thinking of my little boy alone, without me by his side. I promised myself he would never be alone, that I'd always be here."

Sometimes, the truth is easier to say when it's dark, and you feel like it's only you and him, that the truth won't hurt as much.

"I can't imagine how the two of you got through that. It was tragic." You touched his hand, conveying your comfort to the man beside you. He squeezed your hand. He was tired of being alone. And you were, too. But things weren't black and white, they weren't yes or no. "May I ask something?"

He smiled tenderly at you, "Of course."

"Why didn't you marry her?"

He pursed his lips in thought. I took him a moment before he told you the reason, all while not looking at you, as if he wasn't there. "It may sound like I'm an asshole," he focused his blue eyes on you, his tired and weary eyes, "but she wasn't the one. I saw how my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly throughout their marriage. I saw the damage it did on my mother." He lifted your palm to his, looking and playing with it while he spoke.

"I asked myself, why did he marry her, why did he promise in front of God to love her and only her, and then turn around to hurt her? I promised myself that if I get married, when I finally found the one, that I would never hurt her. That I would do everything for her to feel loved, to feel safe. I wasn't confident I wouldn't hurt her along the way, or worse, cheat on her. I thought she deserved better than what I could offer."

He laughed bitterly, before looking at you with all the warmth he could muster, "But then I saw you. And it was like my soul finally understood why it had to be alone for so long- it was looking for you."

You pulled your hand away from his big palm, "Bucky.. please. I don't know how to do this. I don't know if I can be the one you need. What if you find someone? Braxton will be confused."

"I won't find someone because I already found the one. You are already the one we need."

No amount of reasoning could get in Bucky's thick brain that you couldn't be his, couldn't be theirs. In his caveman brain, he saw you as his already. For God's sake, you have his name on you. Your resolved was getting weaker, as every week Bucky consistently pulled you to his little family, showing up in your house with Braxton to spend their day with you. Or showing up to your house to bring you somewhere with Braxton. You didn't have the heart to say no to the little boy as he was always looking at you expectedly. It had gotten to a point where you already cleared your schedule for Sundays to spend it with the boys. Bucky did not stop being so romantic, showing up after school to whisk you away on dates, which usually ended up with you on his bed at the end of the night. That man was insatiable, his muscular body leaving you sore for days.

Were the two of you in a relationship?

"You doing anything tomorrow, angel?" He asked as he was inside your house, fixing your showerhead. He was handy with these things, you even told him you could just call a guy. He looked at you like you kicked his dog, and told you he was your guy. He was the guy you call.

"Nothing, just gonna clean my house and work on my paper a bit," you answered absentmindedly as you helped Braxton finish his homeworks.

"Good. Come with me to my army buddy's wedding tomorrow."

"Are you asking?" You gave him your full attention, looking up to him from your seated form as he stood near you, his palm running over your cheek. "No."

"Dad! Stop hounding our angel's attention." Braxton berated as he pointed to you a particular difficult question to you. You smiled cheekily at his father's agape mouth before answering Braxton.

Bucky picked you up from your house, and he looked twice, his hand running over his mouth. You couldn't say anything. Bucky was gorgeous in that suit of his, framing his muscular body perfectly. If he wasn't in the military, he could be earning millions doing runways around the world. You've always known Bucky was a handsome man, but this? Oh god. He was biting his lips when his eyes reached yours. "You're so beautiful." He walked quickly to you, before leaning down to kiss your lips softly. He was moaning as he deepened the kiss, his tongue playing with yours. You felt him walking you back to your house. You squealed when you found yourself seated on your couch, your dress flowing around you. "You looked like an angel, my angel."

Before you could react, he dove down in your skirt, you felt his finger playing with your slit, flicking his fingers back and forth. You started to feel yourself getting slick, "Bucky, we're gonna be late."

He laughed as he kissed your neck, making you lean to him more. "My angel can't leave this house looking so good without my cum in her." Your heart quickened with his dirty words.

"You're gonna ruin my makeup,"

"I won't." He promised evilly, flashing you a smirk before going down on you. He pushed your thong aside, before feasting in your pussy. He spread your lips using his fingers, gaining more access to you. You were a thrashing mess once he was done, his lips shone from your juice, from your come. You heard rather than saw the sound of his slacks' zipper opening before he took out his rock hard cock. He ran his hand over it twice, his eyes focused on you. "My cock missed you all day, angel. It looks sad, it misses your mouth." You reached for his cock, slowly pumping the velvet member. "But we'll have plenty of time to do it tonight. Now, I want it inside you."

Bucky slapped his cock on your wet pussy twice, before inserting his finger in you, slowly stretching you walls. “You’re dripping wet, angel,” he whispered hotly to you. He pulled his finger out of you before holding his head in between his thumb and index finger, inserting his glistening cock to you slowly, inch by inch.

“Bucky please, fuck me please.” You were whimpering as he chuckled darkly.

“I’m gonna mark you up, angel. Have you smelling like me by the time we’re done. Everyone will know you’re mine.”

You were late.

Bucky introduced you to the groom, a charismatic man named Sam, and to his beautiful bride. Their daughter was with them, and you recognized her. She was Braxton's crush. Sam clapped Bucky's hard so hard that you almost jumped out from the sound. Bucky only laughed, muttering how Sam was lucky it was his wedding or else. The pair was whisked to the group of their army buddies as they huddled and talked amongst each other, not before Bucky kissing you and telling you he'd be back.

"We've known Bucky for ten years now. I've never seen him as happy as this with a woman."

"I'm sorry?" You asked the bride as she passed you a glass of champagne.

"You know," she started as the both of you looked at Sam and Bucky who were laughing with their buddies, "Sam and I talk, you know? Sam said you were lucky Bucky only found you now. Imagine if he found you back then when he was younger, he'd be more persistent. You wouldn't stand a chance against him. Now, with his son, he was toned down."

You processed her words, so this Bucky who you met when you were drunk, woke up with the next day with a tattoo on your chest, and who persistently showed up at your door every week, was a toned down version?

"That man is so in love with you,"

"Oh he's not, believe me."

But he was, wholeheartedly you owned him.

"Honey, he's across the room and his eyes always found yours. You tell me. He watches you like he's afraid you'd bolt up and leave him."

It was time for the bride and groom's first dance, and Bucky sat beside you with his thighs spread, he was leaning to you as you watched them. He was resting his head on your shoulder, as he played with your hand. "You know that's Braxton's future father-in-law, right?"

Bucky laughed on your shoulder, "Sam would lose his mind."

You agreed, you could see how he was so enamored with his little girl as you watched the parents and their little girl danced. "Bucky,"

"Yes, angel?"

"Why are they only getting married now?"

Bucky snickered as he told you the story of how Sam didn't know she was pregnant before leaving for the military. All those years, she kept it a secret from Sam as they were never official. It was a one night with his best friend, and she didn't want Sam to feel trapped. She could support their daughter, that was her reasoning. Sam was furious when he found out, demanding marriage from her. But she wouldn't budge, not convinced that Sam could offer love to her. It took Sam building a house for them, and kidnapping her, to prove to her that he loved her for years.

That was intense. Bucky didn't say anything, just smiled at you. "Wanna dance, my pretty angel?"

All my life was playing as he pulled you closer, his hand on your waist as the two of you started dancing, your hand on his broad shoulders. You looked up to see him already looking at you. He was smiling at you, you were perfect. And he was in love with you.

He was humming along the song, as he pulled you closer, you could smell his cologne, you could smell you on him. And it was that familiarity that you never had in your life.

"There was a time, when I just thought that I would lose mind, You came along and then the sun did shine"

You smiled up to him as he sang along the mellow song. "I want this all my life."

"Angel,"

"Yes?"

"Do Braxton and I mean anything to you? Do I mean anything to you?"

You didn't know if it was his eyes, if it was the romantic set-up of the wedding, if it was the warm lights  in contrast to the night that made you nod your head. Because it was the truth, and the night was too beautiful to smear it with a lie.

"Good, because you mean everything to us." He pulled your hand and kissed the back of it, "You have my heart, my angel."

"You know Mrs. Lowe, I've seen James around." One of her old friends started, as they sat around and met for their weekly catch-ups.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, actually he's always with this woman."

Mrs. Lowe frowned as she took a sip of her tea, she was almost sure it was you. And it wasn't looking great.

"We didn't know he has a woman now."

"He does not."

That shut up her friend, smiling apologetically before moving to another senseless topic about their community. She might just be forced to do something to stop this. You were not suited to replace her daughter, no one is.

————

Please take note that I give no permission for my work to be reposted or published anywhere other than on my Tumblr account.

REBLOGS ARE MUCHOOO APPRECIATED!!! If you made it this far, comments are highly appreciated!  Also, I don’t own the Marvel and any of their work, this is just purely a fanfiction written by a fan!

[bazzybelle]

Magical Equality Within The World of Mages

I’ve been thinking a lot since I finished reading Any Way The Wind Blows, and there are SO many things that I still need to process. I took my time with reading it, I’ve listened to the audiobook and I plan on re-reading it several times, once I move into my new house and have THAT stress done and over with. I cannot wait to re-read it on my back porch with some iced tea and a notebook to annotate and comment on pretty much everything that gave me feelings.

But for now, there is one massive issue that I want to address, and it plays into the plot for all three books.

Warning for those who have not read Any Way The Wind Blows, this post contains spoilers, so proceed with caution. I am tagging this appropriately, but adding an extra warning just in case.

Huge thanks to @carryonsimoncarryonbaz for reading this over and making sure I didn't sound like a rambling mess.

The World of Mages is an incredibly toxic place! This is especially true for anyone who isn’t a magical powerhouse, or stupid rich.

I’m going to not focus on the obvious socio-economic bullshit, because I’m not familiar enough with the British class system to properly comment on it. But if anyone wants to add onto this with a whole meta like that, please do so!

Instead, I’m going to focus on magic use and how detrimental it can be to grow up in this world if you aren’t one of the few who are blessed with the RIGHT kind of magic (I say right kind of magic for a reason, and I’m going to come back to that). I want to focus my attention on three characters (two of whom were drawn into Smith-Richard’s fake promises, and one who was just fed up with it all): Martin Bunce, Daphne Grimm, and Agatha Wellbelove.

1) Martin Bunce: We first hear about Martin Bunce in Carry On. He’s Penny’s dad, a renowned scholar and is leading a team researching the effects of the Insidious Humdrum. He’s a highly respected individual, in his own right. Penny adores him, she only speaks his praises, and I get the feeling she gets along better with Martin, then she does with Mitali. When Penny needs help with Shep’s curse, she trusts her dad to help her after her mother flat out refuses.

While Martin is respected in the community, he isn’t a magical powerhouse. In fact, he isn’t very powerful at all. Baz makes a cheeky little comment about how he must have come from mundanity with a name like “Bunce”, and he doesn’t teach any magical classes at Watford, he focuses mainly on Linguistics.

Professor Bunce is one of the people taken in by Smith-Richard’s message, and I’m kind of glad he is. It shows that Smith-Richard’s message can reach anyone, even someone as scholarly and learned as Martin. Martin Bunce is intelligent, loving, devoted, and the apple of his family’s eye. But, when push comes to shove, all that does not matter because in the end, he isn’t as magically powerful as his wife and kids. How many times has Martin been compared to his wife? How many times has he been compared to his kids? What was it like going to Watford and having to hear about how you barely scraped by in the magical classes? His whole family is obsessed with magic, his daughter's best friend is the Most Powerful Mage. Martin is constantly surrounded by people making comments about power and magic and being strong enough as a magician.

That stuff stays with you... So when you see someone performing magic that can pull you to your full potential, of COURSE you grab onto it and hope that it’s a real thing.

Something interesting to note here; Towards the end of AWTWB, Martin casts a drinking spell, and Baz makes a comment about anyone who could cast that spell in quick succession doesn’t need a power-up. Now, was Martin truly not powerful, or did he just not have the right type of magic? Could he have been a better magician if he was able to find the right situations where his magic responded better? If he was allowed to learn in a way where his magic could have reached its full potential, without the use of a horrible curse?

I have a teaching background, and I’ve worked with a lot of kids in Inclusive Education. I’ve had to differentiate practically all of my lesson plans so that all the kids in my classroom would understand the lesson and be able to reach the goals outlined for them. Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve taught, but I look at stuff like this in the World of Mages and my teaching ear perks up.

2) Agatha Wellbelove: Another person who comes to mind, especially with not having the right kind of magic is Agatha Wellbelove. Agatha does not see herself as a very strong magician. She tells Simon that magic for her is like holding a muscle. Pair that up with a mother who is OBSESSED with magic and power and who’s got the most power, and which magical matches will bring about powerful children, and you get someone who becomes resentful of the whole effing thing! I’m not even going to touch the whole “dating the Chosen One” thing because that’s a whole other can of worms.

When we first meet Agatha, she’s already fed up with magic, and wants nothing to do with it, and I can’t say I blame her. She spends all of Wayward Son running away from magic, and meandering through life, being still so unsure of herself and of her place in the world. She calls herself a poor excuse for a magician, yet she manages to save both herself and Penny from the NowNext by summoning fire! That’s a huge flipping deal! Not everyone can do that, yet Agatha is able to summon the power inside herself to do so! Imagine the wonderful magic she could have done if she was taught in a way that spoke to her.

In AWTWB, she is the ONLY person who is able to get through to the Goats. Her magic seems to be connected to nature (if I had to guess). The Dryad, all the way back in Carry On, tells Simon that she and the others find Agatha “peaceful”. That’s her magic. Agatha was able to come full circle by finding peace with the magic she has. She was able to find a place for it. What’s sad is that she felt the need to run away and not want to have it in her life anymore. Her magic is beautiful, yet not enough.

3) Daphne Grimm: So, this is the character that stood out to me the most. Daphne is the reason I even wanted to write this commentary. Those of you who know me, know that I adore this character. Partly because, I’m obsessed with the idea that Baz has people looking out for him and who care about him.

Anyway, Ms. Daphne Grimm is the apple of my eye essentially. I love her, I adore her, and she is treated SO UNFAIRLY by the World of Mages.

What do we know about Daphne? She is Baz’s stepmum, and has four kids with Malcolm. From the first book, there are snarky little comments about Daphne’s lack or power and magic. Baz himself makes a shitty comment about how Daphne’s “blood is as thin as gruel”, even though Daphne goes out of her way to make sure he’s got food sent to his room. She’s extra careful in making sure Baz feels safe in his own home. She suggests to Malcolm that Baz should see a therapist for everything he’s been through, making her the ONLY parent who not only acknowledges her child’s trauma, but tries to do something about it!

She is a GOOD mom!

Ok, we know that Baz wears a ton of masks of indifference in Carry On, and he softens up tremendously in Wayward Son, calling her lovely while teaching him to drive a car.

We learn a lot about Daphne in Any Way The Wind Blows. Namely that Fiona has some pretty nasty opinions about her. (That comment about her kids not being legitimate, and that she’s as “thick headed as she is thin blooded”. Now, imagine you’re Daphne, and the widower of the Great Natasha Pitch asks to marry you. That’s already some MASSIVE shoes to fill. You accept, and you do the best you can, taking care of his son and being a positive presence in his life, meanwhile going to all these posh functions where EVERYONE talks about power and magic. Then to have the sister of your husband’s first wife make snarky comments about your level of power and magic.

That stuff sticks with you.

Daphne doesn’t want her kids going to Watford, the ONLY magical school in the UK (as far as we know). She wants her children to succeed and be known for everything they are capable of doing, instead of being ridiculed for all the ways they’ll come up short. According to Baz, the only reason Daphne graduated from Watford was because she was smart enough to pass every exam (yet, Fiona still makes snarky comments about her intelligence).

Daphne is well aware of how painful it can be to live in the World of Mages and not be a powerhouse magician. Like Martin, she takes matters into her own hands and seeks out a way to make herself more powerful.

It is heartbreaking to look at these three amazing, beloved characters, and think about the suffering they have had to endure by their peers. Both Daphne and Martin get frustrated when those around them question their choice to follow Smith-Richards, stating “you don’t know what it’s like”. Luckily for Daphne, Baz makes an effort to actually understand her, and doesn’t judge her. Even when Fiona mocks her, Baz defends his stepmum. When Daphne berates herself and compares herself to Natasha, Baz reflects on how Natasha would have killed him (something Daphne would NEVER do to any of her children).

We know that Watford did not allow magical creatures, or differently-abled magicians (I use this term for a reason) to study there until the Mage came around and allowed everyone into Watford. This was a great thing, because now, every magical child was given the opportunity to learn how to speak with magic.

However, it should not have stopped there. I spoke earlier on differentiation and on finding the right place for everyone’s magic. What if magicians like Martin, and Daphne, and Agatha are all powerful in their own right, and they just haven’t found their place where their magic fits? Instead of finding the right way to teach these magicians, they are left to struggle and ultimately resent their magic and the magic of the world around them.

Do I hear a social commentary on the state of standardized education? I can’t really comment on the British Educational System, nor the American one, as I am Canadian. What I can say, from my own experience in Canadian classrooms, is that for all the talk we do on making education inclusive, there is still a big push from higher ups for high grades and standardized testing. If any of my followers are British or American and care to share your two cents, feel free to do so. Let’s keep the conversation going!

I think this post might have gotten away from me. I think my point was to act as a defense for people like Daphne and Martin who found themselves fished into a scam all for the promise of feeling like they are enough in their world. I also wanted to defend people like Agatha, who did all she could to run away from all of it, only to find the place where she (and her magic) belonged.

I remember having this discussion on Discord, and one of the points that came up was that maybe The Greatest Threat to the World of Mages was this deeply ingrained prejudice over magicians with different sorts of magic. Magicians who need that extra bit of help to find their way.

We’ve seen in this series how these prejudices can threaten to split the World of Mages apart, and it looks like magicians like Penny, Baz, and Agatha are learning from these mistakes. Only time (and us fanfiction writers) will tell how they end up shaping their world for the future generations.

[fatiguing-thoughts]

“This Isn’t Love” - Edward Cullen x Reader

Request:  Okay let’s hurt Edward feelings, we all know he was toxic and Bella fell into it which then again she’s toxic too sooo, how about a writing where Edward is doing the same thing he did to reader and they snap at him calling him out on his shit about how it’s not okay to keep her away from her friends and family and they get into argument and it comes to the point where she tells him to leave and until he changes himself to stay away from her whether or not they make up is up to you! Go crazy😤

        Reader leaves Edward and ends up with mystery character

                                    just a heads up for you all 

I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Wondering how my life turned into what it was. 

The stress of Edward’s constant overprotective, and seemingly obsessive and controlling, state was growing to be too much. The infatuation and love I had for him at the beginning of our relationship was fading as things progressed.

After he left me for months, I went all the way to Italy to save him. I faced the Volturi head on, just to save his life. I still loved him, but while he was gone I was able to spend time with my best friends at La Push-- something he wouldn’t ever let me do. He said they were “dangerous” now.

Whatever that meant, I didn’t care. Edward wouldn’t let me see anyone except for him, my family, or his family. I loved and adored the way his family treated me, but it was just all too much.

While Edward was gone, taking a piece of my heart with him, I spent a lot of time in isolation. I didn’t feel real anymore, nothing did. Until my dad told me to go down to La Push and hang out with my old friends. While I missed everyone, it almost felt scary at first. I was going to see all my friends, and my childhood crush that ran well into my teens, until Edward came along. Thankfully, Edward not being able to read my mind helped greatly, he didn’t need another reason to berate them. For quite some time, I never understood what set them all so apart from each other, what caused hatred for each other to run through their veins. 

I later learned that all of the Quileute legends that Billy spoke about were real-- it was all real. After Harry Clearwater passed away, I unfortunately never got to see Leah anymore after the funeral, but something about her was off. She looked like she was about to burst at any moment and left in a worse mood than she entered with. Even Seth, the ball of sunshine himself. While I knew they were devastated at the passing of their father, I knew deep down that wasn’t it. They were going to phase. 

But right after the funeral, I had to save Edward from exposing himself in Volterra, killing himself in the process. Alice saw me die when I tried cliff jumping with Paul and Jared, not realizing that they saved me from drowning. I guess they couldn’t be seen in her visions. Alas, it was too late when Alice visited me to see if I was alive, Rosalie already told Edward that I had died, Jacob then confirming it at my house without my knowledge. 

Jacob begged me not to leave, but I couldn’t let someone I had loved so much die, especially when it was at my expense. And with that, Alice and I were off, leaving a disappointed Jacob standing in the road. 

Going to Volterra was an absolutely insane trip. I never felt so many people in one room that wanted to kill me. After having us all threatened, facing some assault on Edward’s end, things seemed to be okay. For just a little bit. 

Edward forbade me to see Jacob, never allowing me to go to La Push to hang out with my fun-loving friends. I missed wrestling with Paul, talking about cars with Jake and Embry, and most of all laughing at all the dumbasses with my best friend Leah. I haven’t seen them in months. I missed them all so much.

Jacob, my best friend since childhood. I loved hanging out with him and all of his friends while it lasted. When we were kids, life was great. Before I wasn’t allowed to see them, I had more fun than I ever thought possible. His friends even brought me a great joy, especially one I had grown my surprising crush on. 

My feelings for Edward dwindling by the moment, feeling more like an object than a girlfriend. While I did love him intensely for the beginning of our relationship, his leaving and Volturi stunt created an enormous wedge in the relationship. I was sick of feeling controlled, I was sick of what we had become. I was no longer my own person anymore, every move of mine was watched-- granted it was for my own protection. The way he looks at me is obsessive, I was no longer lustfully blinded. I needed to end my relationship with Edward, I just didn’t know how. Was I bound to be with him forever? Was I bound to become a vampire after the Volturi’s threats? I was no longer sure. One thing I knew for certain, I was no longer in love with Edward for months. Something had to give. 

I got up, looking at the clock next to my bed. Seeing it to be 10:00. I decided that I could do whatever I wanted to do. I was my own person, I could do what I wanted. 

I walk out my front door and go to start my car, only for it not to work. 

I try again, and no avail. 

I heard a thump and suddenly Edward is next to me in my car.

“Please, it isn’t safe.” He murmurs. 

“They would never hurt me. Wait, did you do this to my car?” I ask, getting louder by the second.

“I’m just trying to prot-”

“You are not trying to protect me. You’re controlling me!” I interrupt him. 

“(Y/N), I can’t handle not knowing where you are. I need to know what you’re doing, I can’t protect you there.” He says in a disheveled tone. 

“Edward, you don’t need to. They’ll protect me, none of them would ever hurt me. Ever. Matter of fact, they never up and left me when an inconvenience occurs. None of them try to control every single thing I do. They respect me as my own person. I’m not an object to them.” 

“(Y/N), I love you.” He whispers. 

“Don’t keep doing this to me. I can’t handle this anymore. This… this is too much. You took it too far. You don’t love me, this isn’t love.” I whisper. 

“Don’t say that, you know I only do this to protect you.” 

“You’re manipulating me! I haven’t been allowed to contact my friends for months. I haven’t been able to see anyone except for you and who you let me. I don’t want this. I don’t want you anymore. This isn’t love, this isn’t what I fell in love with.” I say powerfully. 

“(Y/N), I can change.” 

“No, you can’t. You won’t. You’ve said that before, you don’t mean it. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to.” I look into his eyes sternly, watching his eyes fill with rage, though his face mimicking one of despair. 

“(Y/N), I won’t leave unless you tell me to.” He begs. 

“Leave, Edward. Don’t come back.” I whisper. 

He nods his head angrily. 

“Don’t be surprised if you never see me again. I don’t even know why you ever came to Volterra to save me.” He spits, walking out of my car. 

I lay my head against the steering wheel, finally feeling free. 

Free to do what I want. I am myself once again. 

I get out of my car, shaking slightly, and walk over to the front of my car. 

I lift up the hood and see that Edward simply disconnected the battery. 

“What an asshole.” I mutter to myself. 

I connect the battery, thanking all the time I’ve spent in Jacob’s garage for teaching me more about cars than I ever thought I would care to know. 

I got back into my car and drove to Sam Uley’s, knowing that I would be guaranteed to find some of the pack there, if not all of them. 

I get out of my car and begin walking to the small house, hoping to see any of them. 

I knock on the door, seeing the light peek through the door window. 

Emily opens the door, smiling at me. 

“Long time, no see.” 

“I missed you guys.” My lip begins to quiver. 

“Oh honey, come in.” She pulls me into the house, wrapping me in a tight hug. 

I begin to sob, not realizing nor caring who else was in the room. 

“(Y/N), what happened? Is everything okay?” Seth asks, running up to me. 

I look into his warm brown eyes, nodding. 

“Now it is. I feel so free. I miss you all so much.” I sob, walking into his arms. 

After I pull away, I see Jacob and Paul sitting at the table, stunned at my appearance. 

I sit down, explaining everything. How Edward kept tabs on everything I did, forbidding me to contact or see them, watching and controlling my every action. How he tried to stop me from coming here by disconnecting my car battery, assuming I wouldn’t know better. 

“I should kill him.” Jacob seethed. 

Paul nodding angrily. 

“I think we should.” He agrees. 

Seth looks down, rubbing circles in my back. 

“Do you think he’s going to come back for you?” Seth asks me.

“No, I don’t think so. I’m more worried about the Volturi. But I don’t know if they would simply kill them instead of me, I don’t know.” 

“Well, you have us. We won’t let anything happen to you.” Paul puts a warm, comforting hand on my shoulder. 

Emily brings me over a cup of hot chocolate, sitting beside me. 

“We’ll have to tell Sam when he gets back from patrol with the rest of the pack.” She places her hand over mine at the table. 

“You should stay with us for a while.” Jacob suggests, earning a collective nod from the whole group.

“I can’t wait to see everyone else.” I give a weak smile, earning one mirroring back from the rest of the group. 

“I know, we all missed the hell out of you. We were wondering what happened, but we couldn’t check on you with them around.” Jacob says. 

“They’ll probably leave again.” Emily suggests. 

And while I would miss Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle-- I knew it was what was for the best. I felt like this was my first breath of fresh air after drowning for months on end. 

Suddenly, the door opens and all of us turn our attention to those walking in. 

I look and see Sam, Quil, Jared, and Leah walking into the house. 

I observed all of their shocked, yet excited faces… until my eyes met Leah’s.

I felt all of the air leave my lungs, the world stopped spinning around me. 

If this meant what I thought it did, then my childhood crush had just imprinted on me. 

“Hey. It’s been forever.” I breathe out, a small smile forming on my lips. 

Leah looked like she had just seen a ghost, her mouth slightly agape. 

“Hey. I missed you.” She smiles. 

Quil looks between us with wide eyes, smiling like a maniac. 

It happened, this is what was supposed to happen. Things finally made sense. 

Jacob, who always knew about my feelings for Leah, smiled to himself. Low and behold, he had also known about Leah’s feelings for me that she had been hiding for quite some time, herself. 

“I missed you, too.” 

________________________

Word Count: 1899

[13tinysocks]

I wanna see some anti fanfic rec plspls

You asked for it. May I present, a creepypasta x reader anti-reading list.

Quick Disclaimer: No author names will be dropped nor fic links or sites they’re on. I dislike these works but I don’t want anybody to be harassed. Don’t go after people, holy shit. These works are only here because of some heavily disturbing content. One of them just makes me super mad because of a few circumstances. These are purely my opinions. I am not writing Jesus nor do I write the cleanest stories out there. Dark topics should be explored in fiction. However, some things just shouldn’t fucking be romanticized. Fanfic is practice, I’m not taking points off for wonky writing.

You’re allowed to like whatever the fuck you want. I’m not shaming you or the authors. I’m talking about media I dislike, which I am completely allowed to do. If your friend or favorite author’s work is in here, maybe don’t send this to them. I get it’s tempting but still, it could be upsetting. Again, don’t fucking harass anybody. 

This list is in order of - Pisses me off to FBI open up to whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck.

Content warning for: Rape, miscarriages, abortion, necrophilia, sexism, child grooming, multiple types of abuse, ablism, and meanie head criticism of popular fics. Seriously, this gets exceptionally bad at the final one. 

First up in our lineup a pretty popular. It’s the least upsetting and problematic. It’s a various creepypasta x reader mansion fic. This is more of an honorable mention because it’s frustrating to read over being super bad.

Recruited.

Summary: (Y/n) killed an attempted rapist and covered it up years ago. She is recruited into the cpp’s to be considered as a proxy along with two others. Follow her through a journey of no character development into becoming a proxy.

What’s wrong with it?

-Brian literally is a misogynist. He literally hates women.

-(Y/n) is an asshole. Not in an entertaining bad bitch way. No, in an unaware bland way. Points off for being a business major, girl you have no soul and it shows.

-She is treated like the voice of reason who is always morally correct. Thing is, if anyone is neurodivergent or mentally ill and ya’know shows symptoms of it, they’re cRaZy, evil, and an annoyance. 

-Yes, people creeping on or getting clingy can be shitty/annoying but sometimes the way (Y/n) acts is completely unjust. It left a bad taste in my mouth because the character felt okay to be shitty to people who weren’t like her.

-The endings are disheartening and make no fucking sense. Cody, who is clingy at worst, gets rejected Jack, who TRIES TO BREAK (Y/N)’S FUCKING LEG, gets with her. Can I get a HELLO?????? 

-(Y/n) also doesn’t get with Jeff who suddenly turned into her brother character after hundreds of pages of romantic tension. Again, Recruited is not inherently bad but it may be really disappointing to people who are here for 1-2 specific characters.

-Queer bait-y author’s notes and inconstant love interests. Author’s notes would read like “Teehee, maybe I’ll make (Y/n) have Jane and/or Natalie endings……” But that never happens after it’s teased multiple times. I get not wanting to add more to your plate but don’t suggest it if you don’t want to do it or only want to please heterosexual readers.

-They put Tim outside like a dog for being a bad boy. 

-Author’s notes and percentages fill in details for the reader that aren’t in the fic. I’m not going to read all of that. Put important information in the fic. 

-Lot’s of excessive jealousy. Painfully heteronormative. 

What about the good?

Readable. Dramatic like Big Brother. Can be an entertaining read if it’s your thing.

Conclusion

Left a bad taste in my mouth. I feel like the author literally hated half the cast and was annoyed while writing them. When you don’t enjoy writing something it shows. Also, her other work (pandemic! Reader X X-Virus) is super tone-deaf and I don’t recommend that either. Don’t recommend joining this fic’s Discord server either. Won’t get into details but in my and my friend's experience: it’s not a good environment with a lot of playing favorites. 

-

Next up on our list is a grossly popular Eyeless Jack X Reader fic.

My Imaginary Monster

Summary: Immoral monster, Eyeless Jack, sneaking into a 5-year-old girl's room. He gets attached, sticks around through her childhood. Thing is, he gets real creepy. Starts to catch feelings for a 16-year-old he’s watched grow up. He kisses a minor who reciprocates his feelings which is textbook child grooming. Nasty fucker runs away, there’s some drama from that. (Y/n) grows up, comes back to town, and Jack’s a’creepin’.

What’s wrong with it?

-Jack is a literal child groomer. 

-Do I need to say more??? Immortal adult kisses a 16 y/o. Gross.

-People in the comments are going gaga for grooming. Are you kidding me, he’s a pedophile.

-The OC’s take up more than half of the ~200 page run time. I couldn’t get attached to any of them even after the supposed significance. Which is fine but they took up so much of the fic that it got boring and annoying incredibly quickly.

What’s good about it?

I enjoyed Ben. He did the right thing and I can respect that. Trans and poluyamourus reprrensentation.

Conclusion:

No child grooming in my fucking lobby. I think the author was trying to paint it in a bad light. But the thing is, you can write a creepy stalker fic without making them a groomer. A lot of people are trying to escape their troubles through fanfic, including those who’ve dealt with sexual abuse. Don’t bring that into x reader spaces. Don’t put readers through that again. 

-

Last and absolutely least we got a Tim X Reader. 

BIG TW. FUCKING HUGE TW. MOST OF THE TW’S FROM EARLIER ARE FROM THIS ONE FIC. 

Pure Forgiveness.

Summary: (Y/n) is abused by her mom. Her dad killed himself and she’s all (Y/n)’s got in this world. Until Tim comes along and “saves” her. He takes her to the mansion and keeps her as a pet to torture. 

I’m going to get into all the nitty-gritty to satisfy your morbid curiosities so you don’t read it. 

What’s wrong with it?

-Chapter 1 opens with (Y/n)’s miserable life. Her mom hates her so much she has a fucking torture table for (Y/n).

-There’s an attempted rape in chapter 2.

- She’s taken to the mansion by Tim in chapter 3 because he’s “off his medication” and “acting nicer than normal”. Hi, mentally ill person here, that’s not how it fucking works you ding dong. 

-Mental illness is made out to we wholly evil.

-Also tic’s are made out to be scary. As a person with tics, don’t write tics as scary or super weird. Thanks.

-(Y/n) not being able to escape, fight back rapists, and other horrible shit is labeled as weak.

-At one point (Y/n) is dragged through the mansion, beer bottles and used condoms are thrown at her. Girl has to shower off cum.

-(Y/n) is tortured in various ways. Mostly beaten, berated, burned, cut, starved, etc. 

-She is drugged and repeatedly raped by Brian and Toby. These rapes are recorded and shown to (Y/n).

-Brian has black hair. Why?

-Toby and Brian give (Y/n) a forced abortion.  

-(Y/n) gets raped almost every fucking chapter.

-At one point Jack orally rapes (Y/n) to abort a baby. 

-Toby and Brian are necrophiles. They skull fuck a corpse at some point. It is graphically described how they like to have sex with dead bodies.

-Slenderman forcefully impregnates (Y/n) to “keep the (Tim’s) baby safe” whatever the fuck that means.

Why does this happen?

Because Tim wants a kid because his dad raped his mom and his mom was a prostitute. He’s soooo sad guys :(((

Feeling hungry? Here’s some things that are eaten by various characters.

-Hair 

-Cum (forced)

-Toby 

-Piss 

-A miscarried baby 

What’s good about it?

Nothing. Fucking nothing. Don’t read it.

Conclusion

If you like this fic you need therapy, I’m not joking. It’s like a car crash and Rob Zombie movie horribly mish-mashed together. It sucks. The comments praise literal abuse and berate (Y/n) for being afraid. Fuck this fic and everything it stands for. It’s shock horror and torture for the sake of it. It makes no fucking sense and it’s harmful. People think this is okay. It’s not. 

-

Thank you to my pals in the server for helping out and finishing some of these where I could not. Especially you Connie, everyone say thank you Connie she got through Pure Forgiveness. Absolute trooper legend. Again, don’t go out of your way to harass these people. I made this list so you can avoid these works because they have the potential to be upsetting. I’m not the police, I can’t force anyone to stop nor do I want to. Author’s are allowed to explore dark topics but some should be done respectfully or not at-fucking-all. I hope these people grow as writers and understand treating some things a certain way isn’t cool. You can enjoy dark fics, I do too, fuck I write them too, but Jesus God, some things are a no from me chief.

[love-we-write]

Eccedentesiast

Character: RichyxMC (ambiguous platonic or romantic)  Genre: Hurt/Comfort? Friendship/Romance? Unbeta-ed mess is for certain Words: 4,188  Summary: Richy is used to being known to be able to bring a little bit of comical sunshine to everybody’s gloom. He’s just not used to letting anyone know that he’s burning behind that light. But then, you appeared in his life.  Potential T/W: mentions of panic attacks   A/N: Done in conjunction with the Duskwood Secret Santa event~! Dear @anatomical-myocardium, Merry Christmas to you~! Sorry this took so long to post, I swear my laptop crashes on me at the most inconvenient time sometimes. I hope I did this justice as a gift to you, and I hope you like it, just as I absolutely love your gift to me~! Have a safe and happy Christmas~!  ❤️ ❤️

And with a renewed vow to write anything and everything that I want to write without minding if it’s a game, or an anime, or an anime game, or Kpop, here we go~!  ❤️ ❤️

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Richy is most known by his friends and all the Duskwood residents for his carefree nature, and he is very much aware of this. 

With his small group of friends, he has been the joker of the group longer than memory can serve, always light-hearted with that small touch of dry humor to help liven up the mood. From their weekly battle of Doodle Friends to their catch up session at Aurora’s, all seven of them look to Richy to brighten their days with his quick-witted comebacks and his lame jokes that gets even Lily - ever the serious one - to chuckle.

At his job, his bright personality makes him one of the select few who could talk to Alfie without unnerving the boy, and from greeting old ladies who pass by his shop to chatting away with his customers while he repairs their cars, everyone does not have qualms to admit that Richy’s easy-going nature is his most admirable trait, a warm relaxing ray of sunshine that comes out and give others a bit of cheer on their gloomy days.

Richy knows that his ability to not take things too seriously gives comfort to his friends. 

Richy knows this, knows it in the way Jessy thanks him for being there for her when she is frustrated with how Dan is treating her affections, knows it in the way Thomas looks at him silently yet gratefully when he brought them to Aurora’s and filled them with a copious amount of beers and stupid jokes for a self-proclaimed “pity party” after Thomas’ fight with Hannah. 

He knows it during the wake of Hannah’s absence when Thomas is on the verge of breaking down, and when Jessy fought with Cleo over how to handle the investigation, Lilly had reached out to him in the middle of the night,  quiet words of “I feel like you’re the only one keeping this group together,” mumbled into the phone in between sniffles.

Richy knows he is most known for his easy-going personality, and he is used to it. 

He is also used to that horrible feeling of uselessness constantly haunting him in the deep dark solace of his mind. That sinking in his stomach, the heaviness settling in his core as he contemplates whether he has anything worthwhile at all anything good to offer to this world, the constant feeling that he doesn’t have anything at all. It is a dark void spanning the crevasse of his mind that comes up in his solitude, whispering that he is not good enough, that he does not deserve grief and his fear is only going to burden his loved ones.

Because who is he to voice out his sadness and anguish when everybody else has so much on their plate already? Who is he to want to cry at Jessy to look at him, just LOOK AT HIM WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR YOU when she is heartbroken herself. What right does he have to voice out his grief, his guilt at being the first one to come to Hannah’s house but still unable to save her anyway? What right does he have to say these things, when he only had lost a friend while Thomas lost a girlfriend and Lilly a sister? 

What right does he have?

So, Richy does what he does best. He smiles. He jokes. And he hides. He stopped trying to figure out the line inside him where his smile ends and his fear starts. To him, they all bleed together.

Richy is used to being known to be able to bring a little bit of comical sunshine to everybody’s gloom. He’s just not used to letting anyone know that he’s burning behind the light.   

------------------------------------ 

 But then, you appeared in his life. You with your contagious kindness, you who are the one person who does not have any personal stakes with Hannah in this investigation but still decided to help out of the sheer good in your heart. 

Richy sometimes thought that you were highly naive when you said that them getting your number and bringing you in this group must have meant that there is something that you could do instead of just seeing it as it is; an ominous invitation from an unknown hacker. However, that thought of your naivete is blown out of the water when he witnessed your bright-eyed curiosity and your sharp perception. 

‘You like Jessy, don’t you?’ you had texted him out of the blue during one of your conversations when during the first few days after you appeared in their lives.

Richy swore he almost dropped his phone in his coffee when he read your text. No one has ever picked up on his one-sided affections towards Jessy, not even their group, not even Jessy herself who has been his close friend. 

He has always been wary of you when Thomas first invited you in. A stranger whose number was given to them by another stranger seemed to Richy like a well-timed disaster waiting to explode in their faces. Richy liked to think of himself as neutral when it comes to matters of your involvement; skeptical enough to not be desperate as Thomas but to the point of hostility that Lilly has shown. 

But with your eagle-eyed intuition, Richy realized he had to be extra careful with himself around you.

‘Uh, gotta go. Coffee’s about ready and I need that caffeine injection for my sanity, in case some more shit happens around here, haha,’ he had typed quickly, adding in several emojis in succession for some good measure. He puts the phone face down almost immediately, as if that would help distract him from your reply, and busies himself with work.

‘That’s okay. Coffee sounds like a great idea. The next time you want to subtly avoid having uncomfortable conversations about yourself, I have a list of ideas :D,’ was your reply to him when he checked his phone during his break. 

Mirth bubbles up in Richy, a feeling of familiarity and comfort fizzing up in him like downing cold soda on a hot summer day. Richy chuckles towards his phone, seeing as you really did provide him with a list of excuses to make to get out of conversation, each item sillier than the previous one.

Your entrance into his and the way Richy felt you seeing through to him feels like a breath of fresh air.

------------------------------------

‘Richy, hi.’ 

 Richy smiles, looking at his phone vibrated on the countertop as he is pouring his third cup of coffee for the day. Seems like the weekend is as good as any for him to gather his thoughts to himself, to compartmentalize his feelings away from the crowd, but the texts from you over the days is a welcome distraction. 

From asking him about Jennifer Manson, to asking him about the phone call he made on the day of Hannah’s disappearance, to random conversation about your favorite movies or music, messages from you have become something he looks forward to daily. He found himself slowly thinking more and more of you; whether you are okay, what you have been doing among other things

‘Now, what more information does my lady seek from me?’ he types quickly, anticipating as the three dots beside your name blinks back at him. 

‘Good sir, is it such a crime if I just want to inquire about your day? :(’

Richy would be lying if he said that his heart did not skip a few beats over those words.

‘Our previous conversations would indicate that you always would have things to ask me after you know about how my day went, so out you go. :D’

It feels nice to see you playing along with his jokes.

‘Cleo told me you fought with your dad?’

Ah.

Not information about Hannah’s disappearance then. Which, to him, is much much easier to divulge.

‘That girl is going to get into trouble one day over how much she’s eavesdropping.’

‘I know. But more importantly, are you okay?’

Are you okay? Wow, Richy thinks as he stares at his idle phone. A simple question, but look at how he is struggling to answer. So he quickly typed in.

‘I’m okay, don’t worry, haha. Listen, the cat outside my apartment is literally meowing my window panes down, I better go check up on it before it eats itself,’ Richy began typing his response, as if him staring down the digitized letters will give him some form of epiphany over what the best course of action is. 

Excuse #12 from that ridiculous list that you gave him from weeks ago. From feeding non-existent stray cats outside his house to a car needing their tires changed, it quickly became an inside understanding between the two of you that this is a signal that he does not want to talk about it. 

But, inside, he wants to talk about it. Wants to talk to you about how this fight is a series of continuous disagreements between him and his father over how to run the family’s garage. Wants to talk about how this garage is not what he envisioned doing in his adult year, that he has no interest whatsoever in running the family’s business. How he had wanted to be a photographer, but was forced to run the garage by his dad to continue the family business. 

And how each time his father berates him over the losses their garage suffered due to the new competing garage in town, he feels a slight vendetta to bring up that he is never interested in what happens in this garage but is only doing it for his father.

He has long perfected the art of hiding anything of him that isn’t polished and brightened, so when you picked it up immediately, he felt flustered. Flustered because he doesn’t know what to do when faced with the idea of someone perceptive as you catching his vulnerabilities that he is ashamed of. But, also flustered with the fact that he feels a small sense of comfort that someone took time to notice the small things about him, and that deep inside, he feels some small part of him wanting to reach back out.

For now, he just added a bunch of cheerful emojis for good measure and hits send.

He wants to talk about it. He wants to.

‘You know, I don’t expect you to exhaust that list so quickly. I would have thought it’d be good for at least 2-3 months.’ came your reply.

‘I worry about you, Richy.’

------------------------------------ 

And it is true, you are worried for him. It has been close to three weeks since you first got added into this strange group, and if truth be told, you would never have thought that you’d be as invested as you are now. You could not deny that Jessy and Richy were two of the friends you never thought that you would care for as much as you did. You know that Jake had warned you over the group, and you ARE a bit more wary of some more than others, but you did not expect your trust to go wholeheartedly to this small trio that you have formed with Jessy and Richy. 

Jessy is the sweetest girl you have ever met in the world, always kind. She has this effect around people that made them feel cared for, and you are thankful how she had welcomed you and helped you out when everyone else seems to think you are the kidnapper.She wears her heart on a sleeve, and she trusts easily, but she means well. And Richy…

Richy is an enigma. On surface level, it seems that he is a bright ray of sunshine, all lighthearted jokes and wit, a perfect comedic complement to Jessy’s more emotional tendencies, but you notice the things that made Richy much more complex than he lets on.

You see his calm and composed nature when he is the one to suggest the group to think more critically in the case of your appearance and Hannah’s disappearance, how he calmed everyone down and brought their spirits up. But you also see his aversion to talking about how he himself feels.

Even though he does not show it, you know the incident with Hannah affected him just as much as it had affected everybody else. You see the sprinkle of emotions he has shown, from Jessy who told you how quiet he had been on the day his garage was spray painted with the sign of the raven, to his deprecating jokes about himself when you asked about the phone call he had made to Hannah on the day of her disappearance. 

You see that sliver of fear, that glimpse of guilt over those short moments, but come any closer and you could miss it with how subtly and skillfully he averts to more cheerful topics.

But that’s the thing. You worry for him. Jessy goes to the both of you for comfort while Dan goes to Jessy. Lilly has her family, Cleo goes to Thomas and Thomas’s grief is acknowledged and heard by all of them.

But who listens to Richy? Who gives Richy their shoulder for him to grief? Who lift up his spirits the way he does to you? For now, all you can do is put your phone close to your ear, Richy’s number dialing in the background. 

‘I worry about you, Richy.’

‘It gets better, I promise you. You don’t have to be alone. I’m here for you,’ you added under your previous text. It goes unanswered and your calls only gets redirected to voicemail. So all you can do is hold your phone close to you, placing your lips on its receiver, only able to hope that it goes to him, that his cheeks or his forehead feels the warmth as a sign that you are here for him.

Miles away, in Duskwood, Richy only stares in his phone longingly, wanting to call you. 

‘I’m here for you.’ your text that had him feeling hopeful, comforted and flustered him all the same.

It has been a long time since someone sees through him so transparently, heck, the void in him has bled together with his façade so much that even he himself cannot see through the layers of sunshine to where his dark insecurities start. He has crafted so many walls, perfected so many smiles that it even fooled Jessy, the person most close to him here in Duskwood. Perhaps at some point, maybe he even fooled himself.

And yet, here you are. Effortlessly breaking through those walls like it’s paper, unblinded by the fake shine he puts on, and sees the darkness in him for what it is. He has to laugh at that as he leaned his forehead on his phone, somehow feeling a sense of comfort just in doing that. What have you done to him? 

Perhaps one day he can begin to talk about it.

------------------------------------ 

 That day came sooner that he thought it would be. That night in December, it snowed heavily in Duskwood. Angry snow fell down in a furious blizzard, gusts of wind wailing outside in anguish, doors and window panes shaking almost in fear. Sometimes, the wailing picks up speed and bangs on the window with a scream.

Inside, Richy is just as furious, just as anguished as the blizzard outside. The man without a face seems hell-bent in getting them to stop finding Hannah and to obtain your location. Richy would bend over backwards and go to hell twice before letting your location fall in its hands. And with the search not showing any signs of stopping, so did the threats to them.

Today, it took the threat to another level when it involved their families as well. Richy had woken up with a call from his father. He had expected the call to be his father picking up another fight with him, but the urgency in his father’s voice and the manic sobbing of his mother in the background struck a cold chord in him.

It turned out that his family house has been vandalized with the signs of the raven, only this time it is worse than the one did in the garage. The windows were splashed with red paint, with papers jammed in their mailbox full of threatening letters of ‘give me her’ and ‘Richy, you’re next’. It took him a good two hours to scrub the windows clean, and then another hour to comfort his mother that this is just a prank pulled by some reckless vandals, to clean up the papers from the mailbox and throw them in the trash.

But, deep inside he knows it. This is not a prank. This is a threat to him. To them.

Duskwood is a small town. People will talk and come tomorrow, his friends will find out. He needs time. He needs time to sort out his thoughts. Time to properly compartmentalize.

He needs time to sort out through his guilt of not being able to protect his family from being terrorized from the man without a face. There is the fury with the fact that it has been established that the man without a face is someone within their circle, given how much they know about your presence.

He needs time.

There is the fear that you, being the lynch pin to all that the man without a face wanted from them, will be burdened more. He needs time to sort through the fear that he could not protect you, and even though it is for the best interest of your safety that none of them knows where you are, you are still all alone having to pick up after these seven dysfunctional people and no one to protect you.

Then, there is the confusion, the stress, the angry sadness that this is a game that he has to continue to play with his friends. The betrayal that one of them, one of his close friends is responsible for this, that they could have the balls to laugh with him, smile with him and turn around and do this to him. 

He needs time to sort through this anger and he doesn’t have the courage to face them and continue playing this game tomorrow, not when all he wanted to do is lash out at each one of them and threaten them and ohgodheneedstimeheneedstime-- 

In the solace of his room in his family home, Richy feels his thoughts become as white as the blizzard of snow outside. He hears his breath quickens, a voiceless wail stuck in his throat and he feels the shivers in his spine like the doors trembling in front of the wind.

Heneedstimeohgodpleasegivehimabitoftime----

And like a lifeline, his phone besides him rang and vibrated and he clutched it to him like a lifeline. Like a miracle in December, he sees that it’s your name. Somewhere in his blank white thoughts, he hears a small chuckle and how impeccable your timing is.

He answers and your voice in his ears sounded like a buoy thrown to him that is flailing about.

“Richy, I had a bad feeling about something. Is everyone okay?” and Richy hears himself laugh at that, a horrible mixture of a broken laugh and a hiccup and a helpless wail, all mixed up to become a horrible wounded noise.

Over on your side of the phone, your heart picked up pace when you heard that choked laughter from Richy. It is horrible and it is scary and you would never want to hear it from anyone again, least of all not Richy. He is having a panic attack.

“Richy, are you okay?! Richy, listen to me. Breathe with me, sweetheart. Breathe in, breathe out,” deep inside you tried to stay calm because that is what he needs, but even you feel like being on the verge of tears listening to this man - who has cheered you up so much - break down in front of you.

After he seemed to have calmed down, you tried again.

“Richy, what’s wrong? Please talk to me. You deserve to not be alone in this Richy. I see you. I see you smiling to get everyone to smile. You listened to me and you lifted up my mood when Jessy was attacked, and when I received threats over Lilly’s video. Let me do the same to you, yeah? Tell me what’s wrong?”

And to Richy, who has clutched onto your voice like a lifeline, who wants to share everything with you, just burst like a dam. Everything that he has kept secret from his friends, the sadness behind his smile, everything that he has even kept from himself and just swept under the rug and pushed into a closet at the back of his mind. Everything burst right there in front of you, from his guilt to not being able to stop Hannah’s kidnapping and Jessy’s attack, to him feeling unworthy of being sad compared to others, to his fear when he saw the sign of the raven in his garage and now on his home, his fury at knowing one of his friends are doing this, to his fear for Jessy, his fear for you. 

He hated everything. He hated himself.

You told him that he is strong, that you admired him so much, but he needs to see that he deserves to be comforted just as much as he has comforted everyone else. 

In that snowstorm-clad night, the winds wept and wept, but beneath its howl, you can hear the intermittent wail of a broken man as Richy cried, and cried, and cried. 

As he lets out everything, the blank white fog of his mind begins to clear and gain color. It started from the reds of fury, to the blacks of fear and the blues of guilt, but then your voice came in, and slowly the pinks of comfort, the yellows of hope and the purples of peace began melting through. 

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[EPILOGUE]

Both you and Richy sat over the phone for over 3 hours just talking about nothing and everything after his outburst. 

He seems to have gained his color back, his cheerful self almost back as he cracked his lame stories about gangster seagulls eating his sandwich once in his travels. Richy feels like this time, his color - albeit still a little faded - is much more genuine than the blacks filtered from a rose-colored glass that he has shown before. Your laughter as you listen to his story and object to its credibility, slowly made those faded colors in his mind more vibrant.

“Thank you for listening to me, for um… taking care of me,” he begins a bit meekly after he finishes his story. He’s not so used to being listened to, not at this vulnerable a level and definitely he is not used to being taken care of.

“You did the same to me when Jessy was attacked. And you would have done the same for me again, I’m sure of it,” your voice sounded like a smile would, and God, would he give up everything to see that smile in person. He laughs to himself internally. How has this person made him so whipped for her in such a manner?

“I’m planning on going to Duskwood soon,” you had said out of the blue, bringing him back from his reverie.

“Absolutely not. In case you forgot my magnificent show of tears just now, the man without a face is threatening us to get to you. You coming here is the absolute worst thing to do,” Richy snorted, a mock indignant and wounded tone from him that made you chuckle.

“Well, how bad can it be? If we keep my arrival a secret from the rest of them, and spend the days, just you, me and Jessy, it wouldn’t hurt, would it? Someone needs to go there and give you a hug and take care of you,” you had replied back shortly, almost giving no thought to what you had said.

“Oh my, my lady, are you flirting with me?” Richy’s exaggerated gasp brought you back to reality, and his implication had your heart skipping beats.

“Well I mean… um…” you stuttered, and Richy swore your hesitance and stuttering made his heart soar just a little bit more in hope. But pursuing it is for another time.

“W-Well, someone needs to stop you from being such an eccedentesiast!” you had blurted out, extremely grateful that the distance makes it unable for him to see your bright red hot face.

His laughter after that sounds like the most genuine you have heard from him so far, and he might have said something along the lines of “nooo use small words, your idiot here doesn’t understand what that means,” but you couldn’t remember clearly. All you remembered was you thinking that you would give almost anything to protect that genuine tinkling laughter of his.

[dream0holder]

I hate talking about my experience because there are definitely people who've had worse situations. Also when I talk about my qualms there's a chance that I come off as spoiled or complaining for nothing but I'm just tired at this point and I wanna rant.

I dont have a great relationship with my parents but my situation with my mom is miles better than the semblance of one I have with my dad. During COVID in an attempt for a change of pace from the situation, my aunt offered to buy me a ticket and move me from California back to my hometown to live. She helped me get a job where I make four dollars an hour less than what I was making in California.

I ended up staying with my dad who was mean and apprehensive about the idea in the first place but he ultimately agreed. Here I've endured constant berating about what and how I do things. He's called me a slut before, berated my weight, etc. Like one of the most notable petty situations where he's yelled at me was when I left the coupon mail on the coffee table and he said I lacked common sense. Then another situation where we both had a family event to go to and he told me my behavior made no sense because I didn't sweep properly after spotlessly cleaning the entire kitchen and trying to rush to make it somewhere.

My parents aren't rich and sure as hell aren't "comfortable" either. My mom spent most of my life doing what she could to make sure I had things that I needed. I got a few things that I really wanted but it was never about that. I just learned to drive this year (hesitant due to anxiety) and of course I needed a car to drive. My grandfather offered his old car but it broke down.

I asked my dad if he could help me buy a nicer used car because I only had so much from saving for work. And he said no because he didn't think I was saving and said "maybe if I didn't spend all money on Amazon and stuffing my face I'd be able to afford it." That sparked another argument because at that point I had well over $3200 there just weren't a lot of used cars in that range and I only wanted about $500 to go towards what I already had. My aunt ended up finding a car that was 1400 more than what I had and she helped me pay the rest and I'm paying her back (like I was planning to do with my dad).

That was in June and three weeks ago, I got a flat tire, into a car accident that destroyed my drivers and back doors, I'm starting university in January, and I have to still pay my aunt back for the money I owe her. Amidst all of this, my father kicked me out, he took it back two days later claiming he did it because I was disrespectful and aggressive. But I'm gonna leave anyway because this is the third time that threat has happened.

I spent a lot of my life adoring my father and revering him. All I was met back in return was disdain, disrespect, and watching him father other children. It's been super frustrating since being back and I just wanna scream every time. And all its ever being seen as is me being a brat to my dad but no one ever sees what happens before I get bratty.

Like his brother even acknowledged "before you got to *this age* you were so respectful and helpful and now you're acting bad" people don't suddenly change in a few days or years out of no where. This is after him ignoring my phone calls, outing me to my family as his reasons for him not to want to contact me, etc. But I'm meant to ignore all of that and treat him as though his status as my father is worth gold.

I will physically carry my car back on my back to California if I have to because I'm tired of being here with someone who couldn't care less about what I do or what happens to me. The excuse majority of my paternal family uses is our ethnicity saying "well we are Haitian!🇭🇹🇭🇹" like that's such bullshit.

These are the kinds of parents that wonder why they end up alone in nursing homes. Especially since I have no siblings biological or otherwise on my father's side.

But I'm gonna persevere. If not out of will then out of spite.

[shijiujun]

the only one (on my mind)

Lu Yao chases away four blind dates set by his sister in the same restaurant. Chusheng is the owner of said restaurant and decides to rescue Lu Yao from his fifth one after witnessing all of them.

@sarah-yyy for your chuyao fix hopefully? XD

--

“Chusheng-ge,” says the waiter at the door, who comes forward to take his jacket.

It’s still early yet at Qing Ling Tian, a traditional Hu cuisine restaurant and bar set in one of the tallest skyscrapers in the city in the middle of downtown Shanghai. Chusheng walks in, and immediately is greeted with the bustle of a packed hall tonight as well.

Qing Ling Tian is not one of the best restaurants in Shanghai for no reason — with the grand decor that is the retro style inspired from Republican-era Shanghai fused with contemporary elements, and having hired some of the best chefs in the region, Chusheng is proud to say that they’ve had full-packed reservations for three years running now, be it usual dinners or even wedding banquets.

While patrons go about their meals on the first floor, immersed in the warmth and liveliness of it all, the second floor features a much more sedate vibe. There’s a main space where the bar counter is, and the private dining rooms can also be found on this floor. Customers who wish to have a more romantic and quiet dining experience are usually found here.

As he approaches the bar where Liu Zi, his star bartender, is working behind the counter tonight, Chusheng’s eyes fall on a familiar figure seated in the corner of the room, and he doesn’t know whether to feel exasperated or fond.

He settles for something between both, and Chusheng doesn’t even know the man.

“He’s here again?” Chusheng asks, sitting down at the counter and gesturing towards the tall, handsome man with his date, comfortably settled around a two-person table not too far away from the bar counter. “Who is it today?”

“Another young, rich heiress forced to meet him for a blind date,” Liu Zi rolls his eyes, placing a glass of whiskey on the table before Chusheng. “Your boy is trying his best in chasing her away this time too.”

“He’s not my boy,” Chusheng raises an eyebrow, taking a whiff of his whiskey. “I don’t even know who he is.”

Well, that’s not quite accurate. Chusheng knows of the man — Lu Yao, the youngest son in the well-known Lu family that has managed to produce powerful politicians and army commanders with every generation — because this isn’t the first time he has brought a blind date to this restaurant.

Lu Yao is a bit of an oddball, according to those who mill about in the higher echelons of society, so to speak. Despite being a rich young master, he ran away from home after he finished high school and managed to flee all the way to the UK and Cambridge for university, where he supported himself without taking a dime from his family until he graduated with no less than three degrees under his belt.

Lu Zifu, Lu Yao’s father, then forcibly dragged him back to Shanghai, whereupon he began finding matches for his youngest son.

It seems that with his two older brothers, Lu Sen and Lu Yan, so successful and working in the army and his older sister, Lu Miao, a high-ranking government official in the incumbent party, Lu Zifu doesn’t have much high hopes for his youngest son except to have him enter a beneficial matrimonial partnership with another woman. Of course, the old man isn’t quite as cruel to have his son marry someone he doesn’t like, and thus, why continuous blind dates are being strangely and repeatedly held at Chusheng’s restaurant.

In fact, this is the fifth one, if memory serves Chusheng correctly. It was pure coincidence, the first time Chusheng witnessed Lu Yao and his blind date of the evening at the same table, a few weeks ago.

It wasn’t anything to cry home about — matchmaking and blind dates are still incredibly common and Chusheng has heard his fair share of blind dates gone wrong happening in his restaurant. On two occasions even, the disastrous date even escalated into fights, so it’s not as if he’s a stranger to the farce of terrible blind dates.

Lu Yao, however, is unabashedly a piece of shit, a spoilt brat, a vainpot and a greedy little thing — and the man has no qualms flaunting any of these qualities.

He’s a smart piece of shit though, and while he’s shameless, every time Lu Yao does something ridiculous, Chusheng can’t help but want to indulge him.

—

First Date

“How about we get to know each other first, Lu-xiansheng?”

“Sure,” Lu Yao nodded, setting his drink aside. “Firstly, I don’t have a car, or any property to my name. I probably won’t get a huge cut out of my dad’s inheritance when he dies. I’m a poor academic, and my dad doesn’t think very highly of me. If you want to get some money out of this arrangement, you’re out of luck. I don’t intend to find a well-paying job either, because I’m happy pursuing an academic career. In fact, you will have to give me an allowance to support me-“

Chusheng watched then, a little flabbergasted at the sheer audacity of this young, able-bodied and obviously capable man, and with no shame at all, how he tried to badger his way into a marriage that would keep him in the most comfortable of conditions, without consideration for the lady at all!

Understandably, when Lu Yao entered his second spiel without allowing the woman to interject even in the slightest, she got to her feet and stomped out of there.

“Useless asshole!” she spat as a parting gift.

Once she was gone, Chusheng noted with some interest that Lu Yao’s haughtiness seemed to fade away as he deflated entirely into the seat, pressing his fingers to his temple and downing his entire drink in one shot.

His phone rang then, and Chusheng could hear a woman’s sharp voice berating the man on the other end of the line, no doubt to yell at him for fucking up the date so badly.

“Aiya, Da-jie, I didn’t do it on purpose! If she cannot accept me for who I am, it is not true love!” the man whined, obviously trying to play the fool.

Chusheng remembers turning away at that moment, trying to hide his smile in his drink.

—

Second Date

“I think we both know we’re here at the behest of our parents,” the blind date of the week said coolly. “How about we make do with each other to get our parents off our backs? You can continue living your life and I continue living mine.”

Lu Yao nodded, “Sounds good to me.”

“Well, the only condition my parents have is the dowry. Given your family’s status and wealth, I think this,” and the woman holds up three fingers. “Shouldn’t be an issue.”

“Thirty thousand?” asked Lu Yao.

The woman’s face whitened almost immediately, but she continued, “You must be joking. The Xiao family is also considered one of the wealthiest families in the city. My parents will accept no less than three hundred thousand for my marriage into the Lu family.”

Lu Yao pretended to consider this, before he replied, “Think about this! You’re the CEO of the Xiao family’s banking empire, and in comparison, I’m just a student who’s looking to complete his PhD. I have nothing to my name, not even a single property! Don’t you think you should be paying my dad the dowry instead? I feel more like the one who's marrying out of my own family and into yours.”

Chusheng watched as Lu Yao got a cup of iced water to his face then.

The woman was as vicious as the first one when she said, “Shameless!”

—

Third Date

“So I hear that you want a dowry and an allowance,” Blind Date Number Three said, flopping into the seat opposite Lu Yao’s an hour late.

“Of course,” Lu Yao said matter-of-factly. “I’ve never had to serve someone else. I’m the youngest in the family, if I’m not doted on then who should you dote on?”

Chusheng could tell that Lu Yao was feeling rather pleased about this meeting because from what the woman said, it seemed he was gaining a reputation for himself, one that would hopefully ensure women stayed far, far away from him.

“You’re honestly starting to get a reputation,” the woman said as much, but she didn’t seem all too put out by Lu Yao’s demeanour. “If that’s what you wanted, congratulations. What’s good to eat here, I’m hungry.”

Lu Yao blinked, his interest piqued slightly.

“Well, I’m fond of the Ba Bao La Jiang, but… I’m not-“ he began, and the woman cut him off, “Yeah, yeah, you won’t pay. Geez, my treat, since I’m late. I was dragged here by my older brother while I was at an e-sports gaming competition, and I just want to eat.”

They didn’t talk much after that, busy stuffing their faces with food. It was then that Chusheng found himself staring at Lu Yao’s blissful face as he almost cleaned out half the plate and three bowls of rice on his own.

—

Fourth Date

It was Lu Yao’s turn to be late for this one, and Chusheng noted that he was in a bad mood today, for he wasn’t even turning on the i-am-so-innocent look with his blind date.

The moment he sat down, Lu Yao began, “Yes I want a dowry and a comfortable allowance. I’m kind of useless and entirely shameless, but I still want both of those things. If I want a baguette in the middle of the night, you have to get it for me. If I see an expensive Armani suit in the windows while I’m walking on the streets and want it, you should get it for me. If I’m hungry and want to have dumplings bright early in the morning before I wake up, I want you to get it for me. If I see something that scares me, you have to protect me.”

“And lastly, if I want you to give me your wallet, you should just give it to me,” Lu Yao finished, leaning into the back of his seat. “If you can do all of that, I’ll go to the Marriage Registration Office today with our hukou ben.”

The woman didn’t seem surprised at his outburst, and with a sigh, she commented, “I’m only here out of a favour for Lu Miao, we work together. I’ve obviously heard of your penchant for being incredibly demanding, and wanted to see it for myself. Doing this though… don’t you think you’re bringing shame to the Lu family?”

“Every single one of your siblings is successful in their own right, I don’t know how they ended up with you,” she said. “At the very least, you should be mindful of keeping the reputation and honour your family has painstakingly built over the years intact.”

“I’ll settle the bill for this one.”

That evening, Lu Yao got so drunk that Chusheng took it upon himself to send him home, not that the man remembers it.

—

And so here they are, two weeks after that sad blind date that probably hit a little too close to home for Lu Yao, on his fifth date.

This time, however, it seems that this woman isn’t as easy to dismiss as any of the previous ones. Chusheng suspects that there’s something wrong with her, to be honest.

“Lu Yao,” the woman says seriously, “I’ve been in love with you since I saw you at a family’s gathering when I was eight. I’ll treat you well, I promise! I’ve heard of all the conditions that you want, and I can fulfil all of them.”

Well, that is something none of them are expecting, least of all Lu Yao. Looking slightly stunned, Lu Yao sits up in his seat, and goes, “Everything? You’ll give me your wallet? How much dowry?”

“All of it! It’s not like I can’t afford it,” she nods enthusiastically. “I’ll do anything for you, Yao-gege.”

Lu Yao almost flinches when the woman reaches over, her hand tightly gripping his.

“Don’t you remember? It was dinner at the Feng mansion, you surely remember Feng-bo, right? I fell down the stairs when one of the other kids shoved me to the side while he was running, and you were the one who came over and helped me find my mother. You protected me, Yao-gege. I’ve always remembered that, and then when I heard you were looking for a match-“

“-I’m not, my sister and my father are looking for a match for me-“

“-I knew I couldn’t let this pass up. It’s okay if you don’t love me right now, you’ll see how much I am willing to do for you, and given time, I’m sure you’ll start to love me.”

Oh dear, Chusheng thinks as he sets his glass down.

—

“I can’t,” Lu Yao blurts out, snatching his hand back, properly spooked. “I’m… Chen Xue, you’re… I cannot marry you.”

“Why not? You said that as long as someone agrees to all your demands, you’ll marry them immediately! Is it because I’m not good enough?”

“I- I’m… No, of course not, you’re great, Chen Xue. I’m just… I cannot-“

What a time for his wilfulness to come back and bite him in the fucking ass, Lu Yao thinks, about to panic for real.

“If I’m great, then there should be no issue,” Chen Xue concludes, reaching over to grab Lu Yao’s hand again. “Yao-gege, let’s go now. We can get married today, and deal with the huge wedding and banquets later.”

He’s done for, Lu Yao knows that, and damn Lu Miao for finding him an obsessive match!

Just as he’s desperately thinking of something to say, a shadow falls over them both, and Lu Yao finds himself with another hand over his wrist.

Looking up, his throat goes entirely dry.

“He can’t marry you,” the tall, dark and handsome man says. “Because he’s going to marry me instead.”

Then smiling almost roguishly at him, the man continues, “Isn’t that right, baobei?”

Lu Yao feels shivers running down his skin at the sound of that, and despite himself, his breath catches in his throat when he tries to speak.

He remembers this man, sitting at the counter quietly every single time Lu Yao is here, nursing a glass of whiskey. And just two weeks ago, Lu Yao remembers someone buckling his seatbelt for him in the car, remembers the scent of a specific aftershave as the man leaned in close, and his voice when he told the driver to send Lu Yao home.

“Who the hell are you?!” Chen Xue asks, her eyes going wide. “What nonsense are you saying-“

“Yes,” Lu Yao interrupts, getting to his feet and plastering himself to the man’s side. “Yes, that’s right. I can’t marry you because I’m going to marry him instead. I’m sorry, Chen Xue.”

Chen Xue is silent for a whole minute, looking entirely betrayed. It’s a look that Lu Yao is familiar with, and so he prepares himself for the glass of water or wine that’s going to be splashed in his face in anger, but the moment Chen Xue reaches for the wine glass, the man next to him pulls Lu Yao behind him.

“Chen-xiaojie, wasn’t it? Qing Ling Tian welcomes any and all paying customers, including yourself, but I will not allow you to cause a scene here,” he says. “Please put that down.”

Shaking angrily, Chen Xue scowls, “I want to see your manager! Who the hell are you to talk to me like that, do you know who I am?”

Lu Yao’s hand unconsciously reaches for the man’s jacket sleeve, tugging in fear of the trouble this woman obviously is. While he’s grateful that the man has given him a way out, Chen Xue is indeed the daughter of one of the ministers sitting in the cabinet right now, and even Lu Zifu has to play nice with the old man. Lu Yao doesn’t want to get this nice man into real trouble either.

He opens his mouth to appease Chen Xue somehow, but the man beats him to it.

“Of course I do,” he says, cocking his head to the side. “Chen Xue, Chen Fu Man, Minister Chen’s only daughter. Lao ye-zi has a standing monthly appointment with Chen-shu for mahjong if I recall correctly. As for speaking to the manager, I’ll do you one better. I’m the owner of Qing Ling Tian. Is there something I can help you with?”

At this, both Chen Xue and Lu Yao stare at him, eyes wide and mouths open.

“You’re… you’re…” Chen Xue swallows, and finally putting the wine glass down. “You’re Qiao… Chusheng? Bai-shushu’s…”

“Indeed,” Chusheng nods. “If there’s nothing else, Chen-xiaojie, I’d like to have a nice dinner with my fiancé. Let me have Ah Dou escort you out. Ah Dou!”

“Chusheng-ge,” another man comes over from where he was standing at the entrance of the room.

“Escort Chen-xiaojie out and get Xiao Yun to send her home,” Chusheng orders.

So stunned at the turn of events and what he’s just found out, that Lu Yao doesn’t even move or blink after Chen Xue is forcibly guided out of the room for a good few moments.

It’s only when he hears a breathy chuckle close to his ear that Lu Yao realizes where his fingers are, still pinching Chusheng’s jacket sleeve. As if burnt, Lu Yao steps away, absolutely mortified. Chusheng, Qiao Chusheng, just saw him make an absolute fool of himself.

“I- I…”

“Sit down before you keel over,” Chusheng says, guiding him back into his seat and then to the waiter standing near them, “Da Ding, clear this table and have a fresh course brought up. The Fo Tiao Qiang soup that Lu-xiansheng likes to eat as well, and some of Man-jie’s best dumplings.”

Lu Yao looks up in surprise. He’s speechless still, until Chusheng pushes a glass of warm water over to him.

“Thank you, for helping me out earlier,” he mumbles, embarrassed. “I… I must have caused a scene.”

“No worries,” Chusheng smiles, and damn if Lu Yao’s heart doesn’t skip a beat at that. “Glad that I could help. Lu Yao, is that correct?”

“Mnn,” Lu Yao nods, taking a sip of the water nervously.

“Will you consider going out with me?” Chusheng asks sudddenly.

Lu Yao chokes on his water.

It’s Chusheng who pats him on the back, who presses a napkin to his mouth and looks at him a little fondly while he’s having a coughing fit. When Lu Yao surfaces again, he croaks, “What?”

“I won’t make you go to the Marriage Registration Office with me immediately of course,” Chusheng continues as if this conversation is normal. “We should probably date first, and then if we still like each other after a few, we could set up a meeting between our families and see how it goes. I’m certain your sister would like to take a look at me first, and the same goes for my sister. She’d like to meet you first after.”

“Wait, wait,” Lu Yao tries to breathe. “Hold on a second. You’re saying, like date me?”

“Mnn. Do you think I jest? I’m all for showing my sincerity,” Chusheng smirks almost. “I have a few cars and properties, and I can put your name on any of the ones you like next time, so you don’t have to buy your own. I earn enough, so you can happily pursue your doctorate if that’s what you want. If you don’t, there are a number of open finance-related positions in my company for you to do what you do best.”

“How did you know I have a finance degree?!”

Chusheng raises an eyebrow pointedly and goes, “Blind Date Number Three asked you what your hobbies were and you said ‘making money’ because ‘that’s what I got my degree for’.”

Lu Yao flushes red immediately.

“If you’re marrying me,” Chusheng continues, “Of course the Bai family will give you a dowry and an allowance, just take any of my cards, that should be enough.”

“Who said… who said I was marrying you?!” Lu Yao splutters. “And you’ve been listening in on my dates!”

“It’s a little hard not to listen in when you’re going on so righteously about how you want someone to give you all their assets and pamper you to death,” Chusheng rolls his eyes a little.

“And that night, it was you?”

“Which night?” he teases, and then taking pity on a Lu Yao whose face is entirely red now, he nods, “You were very drunk that night and thought that you called for a ride. You showed your Didi Chuxing app to me yourself with your address on it, I didn’t steal information from you.”

Finally, finally, after so many blind dates, Lu Yao is quiet.

Wondering if he’s scared Lu Yao off for real, Chusheng opens his mouth, ready to try a softer approach and apologize when Lu Yao asks, “… so if I really want a baguette in the middle of the night you’ll get it for me?”

“… I hope we’ll already have a baguette in the house for you seeing how much you like them,” Chusheng answers carefully, “But yes.”

“And if I want dumplings in the morning for breakfast?”

“I’ll call Ah Dou and have it brought in from the restaurant.”

“I don’t like Armani suits, but if I wanted something expensive…”

Chusheng takes out his wallet, and slides three credit cards over the table.

With wide eyes, Lu Yao asks again, “And if I asked you to give me your wallet-“

The wallet lands on the table in between them.

“As for the last one,” Chusheng smiles and leans forward, “I think I demonstrated earlier that I’m more than capable of protecting you whenever you’re scared. Don’t you think? So do I pass?”

The food comes then, interrupting their conversation. Chusheng doesn’t press either, instead scooping out a bowl of soup for Lu Yao and insisting that he eats, knowing that he couldn’t stomach any of his meal earlier with Chen Xue.

At the end of the meal, Lu Yao finally says, “… I want to go to the movies next week.”

“Mnn,” Chusuheng makes a noise of assent. “I’ll buy you dinner before that.”

“I’ll buy the movie tickets and popcorn,” Lu Yao adds, almost a little shyly.

When they leave the restaurant later, Chusheng is holding onto Lu Yao’s hand as he leads him out.

The warmth he feels from that touch alone makes everything right suddenly, and not even his phone continually vibrating in his pocket from his sister’s calls can dampen his mood.

===

*Qing Ling Tian 青玲天 - I guess it's a way for Chusheng to pay homage to the Green Dragon gang 青龙帮 not that he's in a gang right now (he's totally a legitimate businessman)

*Shanghai's cuisine is called Shanghai Cai (shanghai dishes literally), but also can be called Hu Cai (hu cuisine)

*Didi Chuxing - This is China's version of Uber/Lyft/Grab

*hukou ben - In brief, all Chinese citizens need to belong to a family register and have a 'hukou', it's almost like a proof of citizenship I think. Anyway, you need these 'hukou' booklets (like a birth cert) to get married, you bring the booklets down to the office, and take a photo against a red wall, and they print the photos and paste them in the booklets.

*-jie/-shushu/-gege/-bo - older sister/uncle/older brother/uncle

*baobei - darling or baby