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xxlady-lunaxx · 1 year ago

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Living is a nightmare | {SaneGiyuu}

Theme: Angst

TW: Sh, suicide mentions, death. THERAPY. (idk why this is a tw-)

because they need therapy like YOU 🤨 (i was going to say "/j" but i'm not sure it's a joke atp ;-; go get some help love)

Giyuu brought down the blade on his arm. Once. Twice. Again. Blood spilled down his wrist and dripped onto the floor. He stared at it, hands shaking. The blade fell onto the floor. He gritted his teeth, bringing his hands to his neck. His head spun, and his arms hurt. He couldn't breathe. He felt the pressure building up inside of him, filling his lungs, his throat, his mind. He gasped, clawing at his skin. He collapsed onto the floor, his mind going blank. He passed out and the blade on the floor stabbed into his arm as he fell.

~~~

Sanemi shook. He stared at the note in his hand, the paper crumpled from being crushed then smoothed out and crushed again. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away, though. It had been a letter from Genya. "I never hated you. I'm sorry for calling you a murderer. You didn't let me talk to you. I've become a demon slayer. This mission is too hard for me to do. I'm sending a crow out to give you this note. I'll probably die today. I love you, Sanemi. I'm sorry."

He clenched his fists and the paper fluttered to the ground slowly. Genya was dead. A crow had come the day after this letter had been sent. When the letter had arrived, Sanemi was out on a mission. He'd come back with this note and a message that his brother was dead. He couldn't believe it. What a fool he was. An absolute fool. He let Genya go too. He let Genya become a demon slayer and die because he'd been an idiot. He hadn't paid enough attention. And because of that, his only family left was dead. Dead.

Sanemi brought his hands to his hair and tangled his fingers into it. He dug his fingers into his palm until his fingernails created deep creases on his skin. He ripped at his hair, screaming silently. His mouth moved but not a sound escaped his throat. Tears poured down his cheeks and he let them. He'd been stupid. And his stupidity had brought this. How could he fucking let this happen?

~~~

Sanemi walked silently to Giyuu's house, needing to be with someone. If he was alone he didn't even want to know what he might do with himself. So he was on his way to his boyfriend's house. Eventually he found himself standing in front of the door and he didn't move for a second, unsure what to do. He felt dread coursing his entire body but of course he did, his brother had just died. The tears from reading the letter still stained his cheeks and he was constantly holding back more, unable to decide whether or not to fucking kill himself.

He put his hand on the door and waited a beat, putting his ear to it. He heard nothing. Was Giyuu not home? Sanemi sat on the ground in front of the door, seeing if Giyuu would come back. he must've sat there for 30 minutes or so before he realized it was raining. He sighed. He would have to go in unless he wanted to be soaked.

Sanemi turned, unlocking the door—Giyuu had provided him a key—and stepped inside. The house was eerily silent save for the rain pattering on the roof. He looked around before he carefully put back the key in his pocket and shook as much water off as he could at the front. He closed the door and walked in, finding himself in Giyuu's room. It was messy but empty. Giyuu was probably out on a mission or something, then. After all it was late and the sun wasn't out.

Sanemi moved to the bathroom. He should probably dry off more before getting the whole house wet. He opened the door and froze. It looked like it could be some murder scene. There was blood all over the floor and Giyuu lay in the puddle, the handle of a dagger sticking out from under Giyuu's arm.

Sanemi shook, and he held onto the wall for support. He lowered himself down and picked up Giyuu carefully. There were cuts all over his arms, which was luckily the only place Sanemi found blood consistently coming out of. He stared at the blade that stuck in Giyuu's arm and decided against taking it out. It would make more blood come out and make it worse.

Sanemi positioned Giyuu on his arms carefully, supporting his head and keeping his arms on his stomach. The Wind Hashira then found a chair and sat himself down next to the sink, getting a towel. He washed Giyuu's arms then wrapped a towel around them, making sure to have it applying pressure but not too much. He left the part of his arm with the blade in it out and thanked the gods that it hadn't punctured a vein.

He got up, his arms still holding Giyuu protectively up. Sanemi decided he must go to Shinobu's and now, so he took one last look at the mess on the bathroom then left Giyuu's estate towards the butterfly mansion.

He arrived 15 minutes later, out of breath, his shoulders aching from running so fast and carrying Giyuu through the rain. Sanemi knocked on the door with his foot, breathing heavily. His wet hair framed his face and he couldn't see as well. He glanced down, noticing how red the towels he'd wrapped around Giyuu's arms already looked.

The door opened and Kanao's face popped out. She was a silent girl so Sanemi didn't wait for her to speak. "Let me in. I need someone who can help Gi-.."—he pondered for a second of whether or not to use his first name then decided it didn't matter—"Giyuu. I need someone—Kanzaki, Kocho, I don't care."

Kanao nodded, opening the door all the way to let him in. Sanemi walked forward, ignoring the way he dripped water all over the floor. "Take me to a room we can put him in," he said, walking quickly.

Kanao caught up with Sanemi after closing the door and showed him an empty room which had only one bed in it rather than the ones that were lined with many.

"Put him there," Kanao murmured, surprising Sanemi for a second.

"Right." He laid Giyuu down then turned to Kanao. "Can you get anyone to help? There's a blade stuck in his arm and I didn't know how to get it out without making it worse."

"Of course." She left the room and Sanemi sat down at the edge of the cot, pushing his sopping wet hair away from his forehead. He sighed heavily, feeling like falling as hard as the rain was. First Genya now Giyuu. What next?

Sanemi buried his face in his hands and only looked up when he heard the patter of footsteps. Shinobu walked in, a towel drapped on her shoulders and another in her hand. She looked like she'd been in the rain as well. She saw Giyuu and hurried forward, worry creasing her face.

"Shinazugawa, do you have any missions?" she asked, picking up Giyuu's arms carefully.

"No, why?" he said, watching her.

"If you take over mine I can tend to Tomioka-San right now. Aoi is with a couple other demon slayers with more vital wounds than what I can see here. Where any of his veins cut?" Shinobu asked, unwrapping the towels carefully.

"Not that I know," Sanemi mumbled. "What and when are your missions?"

"I have two today depending on how fast they're finished. My crow will tell you the details." Shinobu looked up, then, turning to him. "How did Tomioka aquire these cuts..?"

He looked away. "I'm assuming he did them to himself. He was on the bathroom floor when I found him."

Shinobu looked grim. "That's what I thought. We'll... We'll need someone to talk to him," she said, her voice soft.

Sanemi nodded then paused. "You know, why don't we have therapists for every demon slayer? Because at this point everyone needs mental help, if I'm being honest."

"True. We don't have the time to think of things like this usually, I suppose is the answer. I'll look into it. Now stop stalling and go finish my missions, Tomioka will be okay," Shinobu assured him. "Physically, at least."

~~~

When Giyuu woke up, his head hurt and his arms stung and he felt nauseous. He blinked and winced as light reached his eyes. He groaned as he tried sitting up, his body feeling sore from he didn't know what. He closed his eyes again and went back to sleep, not feeling up to waking. Maybe this time he would sleep and never wake up.

~~~

Sanemi sat by him whenever he could. As much as he wanted to be alone and to tear himself to pieces because of his inability to be a good brother, he figured that Giyuu might need some support as well. He also felt that he couldn't lose Giyuu too and wanted to make sure he didn't do anything. Most of the time, it was just the room silent, the window closed because of how rainy it had been recently and the the soft breathing of both Hashira. Honestly, Sanemi didn't like the silence. He hated the quiet and it made him go crazy. But he felt Giyuu needed his rest so he let it continue. Even if the silence gave him time to think and suddenly he had to fight back tears at the thought of Genya.

He hated crying. Crying made him weak. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to be like this. But he was human still, after all. He was going to cry whether he liked it or not. And as much as he tried fighting it, in the end a few tears ended up escaping. Luckily, for him, nobody had noticed it yet.

Shinobu didn't come around the room much except to check on the both of them around once or twice a day and Aoi came in only during meal times with food for Sanemi and sometimes extra for Giyuu in case he'd woken up. Giyuu only woke up for short periods of times though and only once woke up to eat. He seemed thin, especially in these clothes that were a size too big for Giyuu. He looked frail and weak. Sanemi hated it.

Shinobu had said that Giyuu wasn't like this because of anything physical besides, perhaps, over exertion from training and lack of food. Most of it was something more mental, something they couldn't fix with a couple of medicines and bandages. It worried Sanemi. A lot.

But he didn't know what to do. So he just sat there, next to Giyuu, for days. Getting up only for missions or the bathroom or if Shinobu insisted he left while she checked Giyuu. He hated leaving because he worried that if he turned away for one second he would turn back and see Giyuu on the floor again, blood seeping from him but this time somewhere more mortal. His head, his chest, his stomach.

It made Sanemi lapse into a fit of what he called not crying. He tried not to think about it but his mind didn't care what he wanted or didn't because it constantly resurfaced that image over and over occasionally bringing Genya into it too.

Sanemi had nightmares about this too. They were always of two people. Genya and Giyuu. Of course. Genya, blaming him for killing their mother and then not caring for him. Giyuu, dying because Sanemi hadn't been careful. Then both of them, shouting and tearing at Sanemi's skin, telling him what a horrible person he was for leaving them to die.

It was always the same thing. And when he woke up, on the uncomfortable chair he alway sat in because he refused to move from Giyuu's side, he was covered in sweat and panting as if he'd just run miles. He was terrified this would come true. That it was true. Because really, it partly was. He'd left Genya by himself and thought he'd had everything under control but no. Genya had died because Sanemi had been careless and stupid and a fucking idiot for letting any of this happen. He hadn't paid enough attention on Giyuu and Giyuu went and hurt himself.

Sanemi felt useless. And even more so for thinking that. Because of course he was useless if all he was thinking was how he'd done so badly when Giyuu was right there and he could help. Do something. But how do you save someone whose illness has nothing to do with his body. Or maybe the blame is his body? How do you save someone whose illness is in their head and the only way to cure them is change their way of thinking?

No matter how many times he thought about it he never got an answer. Aoi and Shinobu didn't have answer for him either. It was frustrating. So frustrating and he hated it to the point he would kill himself if he didn't know how much worse that would make it for Giyuu..

~~~

Time flew and eventually Giyuu woke up for longer periods of times. It took a while but with the support of Sanemi and the butterfly girls, Giyuu willed himself to not go back to sleep. He progressed fast after that and went on missions—though he was not allowed to go by himself. Either a Hashira must go with him or a tsugoku—any other demon slayer might only make it harder to finish the mission or might get killed. Because, after all, the Hashira took on the missions a lot harder than the ones assigned to lower ranked slayers.

Although this was all good and everything, Sanemi knew Giyuu wasn't entirely 'better.' They all knew that. But none of them knew how to help except to make sure Giyuu didn't try it again. Through all this, Sanemi had been suffering from the loss of his brother and the feeling of incompetence. He never let this on to anyone as much as he wanted to so he constantly felt some sort of pressure weighing him down.

Because of that he constantly overworked himself when he was alone, throwing all of his emotions into his punches and rather into crying because at least it helped him grow stronger, no? Stronger for Giyuu, as long as he could protect him.

But protect him from what? Giyuu was his own enemy and Sanemi didn't know how to stop him. He couldn't exactly tie Giyuu up and never let him move, that would probably make it worse.

Luckily Kagaya had a solution. Though the solution also ended up being something that was supposed to help everyone. And everyone meant Sanemi too. And, of course, the solution was a therapist. A therapist for the Hashira and for the others in the demon slayer corps.

Kagaya decided it was required, and they should all take at least 2 lessons and if they absolutely detested it or if they felt that it made everything worse, they could stop. But he said that he wished for every one of his children to be as healthy as they could be with everything going through in their lives. He also expressed how he was sorry he'd not thought to do this earlier.

Sanemi didn't really know what to do with this but decided to try it out because he hoped it would help Giyuu. Apparently they had to be in the room with the therapist and a friend or someone they loved/trusted because the therapist wasn't a demon slayer and feared that if they got triggered by anything said and she wouldn't be able to handle anything if it got physical.

Everyone understood this, of course.

And so it went.

The therapist was paid to do this, of course, because the amount of things dumped on her would be a lot. They didn't have anyone else at the moment to work as one because the demon slayer corps wasn't exactly widely known so they had to find people who did know of it's existence so that the person wouldn't try to convince them that they were mentally ill and making things up about demons.

The Hashira were letting some of the younger demon slayers go first before themself because, as always, the priority for them were keeping everyone else safe. It took a while before the Hashira's lessons started but the day before it was the first Hashira's turns, Giyuu went to Sanemi's house.

Sanemi opened the door the second Giyuu knocked and let him in.

"Giyuu? What is it?" he asked, closing the door.

Giyuu looked away. "Can you be the other person with me during the sessions? I don't want to be with any of the other Hashira," he murmured.

"Oh? Sure. Can you be mine?" Sanemi asked, then quickly rephrased that realizing how it must sound. "I mean, could you be there when I'm in mine? If you don't, I can just use Iguro I guess, because I don't really think he'll want Kanroji to know his secrets if I'm being honest."

Giyuu nodded, sounding slightly amused as he said, "Yes, I probably wouldn't want to reveal every little thing about myself to someone I love."

Sanemi flinched, wondering if that meant Giyuu didn't like him. But then he elaborated and Sanemi relaxed.

"I don't mean I don't love you," Giyuu explained. "Just that though I'd rather not you knew my worst parts of myself.. I don't trust anyone else. Kocho is.. too irritating and would either make fun of me or worry way too much. Kanroji worries a lot, Iguro definitely not, Uzui is too loud, Rengoku is fine but also would, like, try to give me pep talks every other second, Tokito is too young, Himejima is.. I don't know. I just trust you more, you know?" he said, finishing his rant with a worried look at Sanemi. "Of course I'll be there for you but I want to know if you can also be there when.. for me?"

Sanemi's gaze softened. "Honestly, Giyuu, I would be there for you even if you turned into a demon. Or maybe not that would be harder since I'd probably have to cut off your head. You know what I mean, though," he said, sighing.

"Yes, thank you."

"Any time."

~~~

The following day, Giyuu and Sanemi walked over to the location they had been sent to by their crows. They found themselves standing in front of what seemed like a small house and they entered as a woman opened the door. She smiled at the two of them and nodded.

(Note: I've never gone to therapy so sorry if it's inaccurate, too forward, etc, I didn't mean it to be I'm just doing it as I think and write because Idk how to do this and research isn't something I like to do unfortunately..</3)

"My name is Miko and I will be here to assist you in your mental health. Since both of you have chosen each other as the trusted person to be there you will both take yours following the other with several breaks in between to keep yourselves calm." She nodded reassuringly at the both of them. "Idealy the sessions will last an hour each, but should either of you must retreat on a mission or need to stop early I will let both of you do as you need. But, if you are too distraught when being called to a mission a different person, Hashira most likely, will be informed to take over yours. Understood?"

(Miko is the name I use when talking to AI's sometimes 😊.. I couldn't think of anything-)

Both Hashira nodded and Miko led them to two comfortable-looking seats that sat five feet apart from each other. There was a wooden table in front of them and then across was another chair, which the woman sat on. She waited for Sanemi and Giyuu to get comfortable—and let them push the chairs a little closer together.

Then she started speaking, her posture held up in a more formal manner though neither Sanemi nor Giyuu sat as she did. "So, as I've heard, you two are Hashira, yes?" she asked, the smile still playing on her face. It looked slightly strained, but given the amount of people she must've already endured listening to their stories of nobody blamed her.

The two nodded and waited for her to continue. She addressed Giyuu now, and they figured it was his session first.

"As with everyone else, I've been given a few things known about you, such as your names, ages, age of when you became a demon slayer, and any family you have or had," she said, her tone careful. "Also somethings that have happened with you that we may need to go over. Do you want to say it, or do you want me to? If you want to move to a different subject please tell me."

Giyuu paused. "The.. Uh.." he said, his voice faltering. "I, um, cut myself," he whispered, his eyes flitting downwards.

Her gaze softened and Sanemi held Giyuu's hand tightly. "Dear—can I call you that?—if you don't want to talk about this, just say the word and we can move on. I want you to be comfortable talking. I'm aware it's hard to tell a stranger things about yourself that are things you probably don't speak about to even people you know, so I want to make it easiest on you. Do you want to continue on or do you want to drop the subject and move on? This isn't a test question, this is something only you know the answer to. Take your time, of course, I don't want you to feel pressured." She nodded at the end of this and folded her hands on her lap.

There was silence for a moment as Giyuu thought about it. Then, quietly, he said, "we can continue. I can't keep running from this forever."

Miko smiled, her head bobbing in agreement. "Alright then, what would you like to talk about?"

(do you know how weird it is writing this because I refer to 'miko' as myself so often 😭)

Giyuu hesitated. "I don't know, could you ask me something about it? I.. I thought you would just ask questions and I had to answer," he admitted. He glanced at Sanemi who gave him a reassuring half smile then looked back at the therapist.

"Of course," she said. "Would you like to dive right in or take it slow?"

(sounds sexual (i'm sorry))

"Just ask anything, I don't know," he said, sighing.

"Okay. May I ask why you did it? Or would you rather keep that for last?" she asked.

"Last, please."

"Absolutely." She paused, appearing to be searching for another question, then said, "Is there anything in the past that still haunts you now?"

Giyuu nodded slowly. "Yes, there is."

"Anything you feel comfortable sharing?" she said, her tone light, letting him do what he wanted.

"I.. I had a sister. Her name was.." Giyuu hesitated. "Nevermind."

Miko nodded encouragingly. "You don't have to share names."

"O..Okay," he mumbled. "So, uhm.. she died from a demon which was.. was when I was 7 or something.. I forget. She was really kind. She.. she protected me from dying by hiding me so the demon wouldn't take me. I saw her die. I saw her get.. get..... Die." Giyuu closed his eyes, his hand entwined with Sanemi's closing tighter.

"Right," she said. "Your sister sounds like a wonderful person!"

"She was," he responded, his eyes still closed. "She was."

Miko's smile tilted. "And is it her death and what you saw that haunts you?" she asked, still talking as if treading on dangerous areas.

"N..Not exactly, no," Giyuu murmured. "More the fact that she died for me.. Because of me. And I couldn't do anything but cry."

Miko glanced at Sanemi who took it as his cue to comfort Giyuu physically. He scooted a little closer and wrapped his arm around Giyuu protectively as the therapist continued to speak.

"But she wanted you to live, no? She saved you because she wanted you to have a good life," Miko said quietly. "Isn't that right?"

Giyuu nodded shakily, opening his eyes and leaning his head on Sanemi's arm. "But I couldn't save her..."

"You were only 7, you were too young to do anything," Miko pointed out. "Children have trouble thinking things through quickly so if you had done something to save her it would've been a surprise. Besides, you had just watched your sister be attacked, anyone, adult, child, teenager, would've been too scared to do anything. Trust me."

Giyuu looked up, his eyes meeting those of the girl who was trying to help him. This woman knew about demons, had she encountered one herself or her family? "Okay," he said, his voice growing stronger now. He'd thought he was too weak to do anything, too cowardly. But if most children were like this, maybe he could forgive himself slightly. "But.. do you think Tsu-.. my sister would've forgiven me? She.. she died a day before her wedding. For me.."

Miko smiled sadly. "She died a day before her wedding to save you because she loved you and cared for you. I have no doubt she would forgive you. She died knowing she was risking her life but she did it for you, and I'm sure she would be happy if you were doing well," she said, sounding like she was reassuring a child. And in a way, she was, because all of these worries had been Giyuu's since he was young. "You're simply overthinking this and the situation you'd been in. But all of the 'what if's' will never come true because that was the past. So let it go and move forward as you are now for your sister and everyone who loved and loves you. How does that sound?"

Giyuu nodded silently. Yes, he supposed thinking it over and over wasn't going to do well.

"Can I ask one more thing before we take a break and move onto Shinazugawa's session?" Miko asked, checking the time.

"Yes, what is it?"

"Was this why you cut?" she said, tentatively again.

"Sort of," Giyuu admitted. "My sister and a friend who also died some years ago. But I remembered something he said while you spoke, and some of what you said applied to him as well.. There was a different reason for that as well, but I don't know if I feel comfortable sharing right now," he said, sighing and leaning against Sanemi.

"I understand. Perhaps you might be more open to next time?" Miko suggested.

"Maybe."

"One last thing before we end your session," she said, tilting her head a bit hesistantly.

"Yes?"

"Can you tell me if you've.. if this time it was a relapse or a first?" she asked. "If you'd rather not say, that's fine, of course.."

Giyuu hesitated for a beat. "Relapse."

Sanemi raised an eyebrow, more concerned than curious. Miko nodded. "I thought so," she murmured, unfolding her hands.

Giyuu nodded back, unsure what to say to that.

"Alright, well, why don't you two stay in here and talk, I'm going to get some tea and come back in about 10 minutes for Shinazugawa's session unless you need more time, sound good?" she suggested, getting up.

Both Hashira nodded and waited until she left before they turned to each other. Sanemi patted his lap and Giyuu went to sit there, wrapping his arms around Sanemi's neck. He kissed him gently, feeling himself relax slightly.

"I didn't know about your sister," Sanemi murmured. "Sorry about her. And the friend."

"'S fine.." Giyuu said, burrowing his face in Sanemi's neck. "Just me thinking too much."

"Right. What.. what was the other reason for your, uh, the cuts," Sanemi asked, not knowing to not ask.

Giyuu looked away for a beat then turned back to his boyfriend. "Partially because I thought I was.. being a bad boyfriend or something. I don't know how to put the other reason in words. I guess I just felt that living was hell or something," he said, sighing.

Sanemi raised his (nonexistent) eyebrows. "Bad boyfriend? Seriously? You've been a wonderful one. If you were being a bad one I would've dumped you already," he said, crushing Giyuu in a hug.

Giyuu gave him a small laugh in return. "Okay, then.. Guess that's solved," he said with a shrug. "Just insecurities, I suppose. Worried I was doing something wrong because I would see you talking to Iguro sometimes and you seemed happy."

"Probably because he's an idiot and it's funny," Sanemi said dismissively. "Iguro's nice and all but he's stupid and head over heels for Kanroji."

Giyuu smiled slightly. "Oh?"

"Yes."

"Mm."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence before Sanemi spoke up again. "I know what you mean when you say that life is like a nightmare. Honestly nothing seems to be getting better," he said with a sigh.

"Really? I never noticed that you thought that.." Giyuu bit his lip. "Sorry for not noticing, I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts an-"

Sanemi cut him off by kissing him, pulling apart a few seconds later. "Shut up, it wasn't like I was putting it on display for the world to see. If I wanted anyone to know I would've made it obvious or shouted it in their face. It's not your fault, Giyuu, I wasn't telling anyone for a reason," he said, in a scolding tone.

Giyuu hung his head. "But.. if I was a good boyfriend I would've noticed even when you were hiding it," he mumbled.

"Giyuu," Sanemi said sternly. "Are you saying I'm bad at hiding this shit? I've been doing it for nearly my whole life I know how to hide it from people who know me best."

Giyuu nodded slowly. "Okay.. Sorry for making this about me, I didn't mean to," he said with a sigh.

"I don't mind. Also, my session hasn't started yet so.. And technically it was supposed to be about you and somehow I made it about me," Sanemi pointed out, rolling his eyes.

"Well it will be about you, now, Shinazugawa," Miko said, balancing three cups off tea in her hands. "Would it be find to start now or do you two want a longer break." She raised her eyebrows at their position and Giyuu quickly scrambled back to his seat.

"No, I think we're fine now," Sanemi said, lifting an shoulder.

"Right, then let's start," she said, putting the cups on the table and sitting down.

(Me wondering if I should continue because it's already 5070 words-)

Sanemi nodded and waited for her to speak, deciding that she would ask questions. Which she did after a moment of silence.

"We can start as we did with Tomioka. Just as I knew with him and everyone else, I've been told one thing that we might want to talk about just as a heads up. I've also been informed of the two of your's relationship, so that might be something you want to talk about.. There's also the recent.. ah, incident with your brother," she said, lowering her gaze for a moment.

Giyuu glanced at Sanemi, confused. Had something happened to Genya? He hadn't noticed—though he had been asleep for most of the time so it might've been that.

"But we can talk about anything else if that's preferable," she said lightly.

"Can we start with Giyuu?" Sanemi asked, his voice tight.

"Sure! What would you like to talk about?" she asked, nodding.

"I don't know," Sanemi sighed.

"Can I ask some questions?" she suggested.

"Yeah, okay."

"Alright. Let's see.. I'm not an expert in relationships, but may I ask how it's going in all?" she said.

"Good," Sanemi and Giyuu responded in unison.

Miko smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. Now, you must've been worried recently from Tomioka's relapse. Do you want to talk about how you've felt recently?"

Sanemi nodded slowly. "Worrying. I wouldn't leave his side cause I thought he would die the second I turned my back," he said, shrugging. Sanemi felt it was easy to speak about all this, somehow. Or maybe he just really wanted to talk to someone about it. "After Genya, I thought that if I didn't watch Giyuu 24/7 he might disappear and just... be gone. Because of me."

"I see," Miko said, her smile fading. "So you felt guilty, somewhat? Also, 'Genya' is your brother, I presume?"

"Yes and yes."

"Alright. And why did you feel guilty? Did you do anything you felt was wrong? And, again, if you don't want to answer any of these questions don't. I want you to be comfortable with talking about it," she said, nodding.

"Okay. And I, uh, I felt like it was my fault Genya.. for what happened to him," Sanemi said, sinking further into his chair. "And when Giyuu relapsed I thought it was my fault too. Somehow."

Giyuu was looking from the therapist to Sanemi and back again. What the fuck happened to Genya? What had he missed. He would say nothing for now but he was going to ask if he didn't get his answer soon.

"I didn't pay enough attention to either of them and.." Sanemi continued. He paused and didn't elaborate.

"Ah, so you feel responsible for them and felt like you failed?" she asked, clasping her hands together.

"Exactly," he said. "That."

"I understand. But you're not going to always be responsible for them. Tomioka is an adult and a Hashira and he has others as well as you and himself taking care of him. You may be his boyfriend but you're not him. And he's responsible for his own actions unless they were forced upon him. Sure, all of us can help each other and you maybe could've helped but we can only do so much and they will only listen as much as they want. And with your brother, he probably would've felt he had to do it and wouldn't have listened if you'd told him not to. And this all already happened. You can't change the past, but you can always learn from it. It's not your fault for other people's decisions, Shinazugawa. You, and Tomioka," she said, turning to Giyuu for a moment, "both need to grasp that. Anything your loved ones or people you do not know, what they do is their own responsibility, not yours. Okay?"

Silence followed this for a long moment for Sanemi sighed and said, quietly, "Alright."

Miko smiled. "Good."

Giyuu, deciding he didn't want to wait till the end of the session said, "What happened to Genya and how come I never heard about this??"

Sanemi paused and stared at him, as if just realizing he was there. "Uhm."

Miko looked startled. "He didn't know?" she asked, surprised.

"No, I never told him because he was already struggling a lot, and I didn't want to worry him," Sanemi admitted, scooting a little further from Giyuu.

Giyuu flinched. "I'm not weak, Sanemi.. And I know how much you care about Genya as much as you pretend you don't. What happened," he demanded, grabbing Sanemi's hand.

"He.." the Wind Hashira started. He looked away. "Genya died, Giyuu. He was killed on a mission. I was on a mission when he died so I didn't recieve his letter until it was too late."

Silence. Giyuu blinked, shock filling his features slowly. Then grief.

"Oh.. I'm so sorry," he whispered, his grip on Sanemi's hand tightening. He got up slowly and hugged Sanemi. "I'm sorry, Sanemi.."

Miko looked away, letting the two whisper to each other. She sipped at her tea, trying to let them have their privacy as Giyuu and Sanemi mourned silently. Then, when the two Hashira got ahold of themselves and turned back to Miko, she spoke again, though her voice was muted, quieter.

"But your brother was a demon slayer," she said, though neither Sanemi nor Giyuu knew what she thought to achieve by saying that so she clarified. "I mean, he devoted his life to killing demons? To save people, correct?"

Sanemi nodded slowly. "But he couldn't use breathing—which is to say he wasn't able to use the breathing forms."

"And yet he still did it, even with this thing holding him back, right?" she murmured.

"Well, yes, but he got himself killed!" Sanemi said, his voice desperate.

"And you can't change that. So maybe instead of listing the things he couldn't do, what about remembering him for what he could do?" she suggested.

The Hashira paused, not having thought of that. Miko smiled.

"Anything else you want to talk about?"

Sanemi shook his head and sank back into his chair, pulling Giyuu down onto his lap and nuzzling him. "Can we end early? I want to go now," he said, sighing.

"Of course." Miko got up and saw the two Hashira out the door, waving as they thanked her and left.

They walked silently, no sort of destination on mind. Both were deep in their thoughts and said nothing.

Sanemi walked with his hand entertwined in Giyuu's, his mind racing. He didn't know what to think, only that as much as he wanted to talk about how he felt, he hated being so open. Yet when he spoke, it was like the words just spilled out of him as willingly as they wanted to be and not by his choice. He worried about Giyuu as well, but besides not knowing about his sister and friend he'd known most of this. Although the fact that he'd done this before was worrying, Sanemi felt as long as someone stayed with Giyuu at all times it would be fine.

Giyuu was mostly thinking about what anything the therapist had said changed. Mostly he'd known all of it subconsciously but had pushed it away, feeling bad for himself. He also still hated living, it was only problamatic and he hadn't even been able to help Sanemi. On the other hand, if he died there would be one less a person to defeat Muzan and Sanemi.. Sanemi wouldn't be able to handle a second death, and so soon. Giyuu would have to wait to die at the hands of a demon, he supposed. As much as he hated this, he hadn't known Sanemi was going through this and even though it was just a fraction of what Sanemi probably was feeling, he felt it opened his eyes more to other people's problems. He would stay for his boyfriend and solely that.

~~~

Giyuu was on a mission. Sanemi followed him—he'd been assigned to this time. Apparently this demon, none of the other people had been able to defeat yet. From what they'd heard, this demon had the ability to show you your fears. Besides the demons, of course. And because of that nobody had defeated it yet.

So they sent a Hashira towards there, deciding another Hashira couldn't hurt to come with. Which was where Sanemi and Giyuu were going now, following the sun as it set. They arrived pretty much as the last rays disappeared behind the hills and the two crept soundlessly across the field, which was open. Convenient.

They continued walking, all of their senses sharp and reacting to the smallest of sounds or movement. Either there was no demon here, or it was good at hiding. Sanemi kept his eye on Giyuu the whole time, watching his movements. Giyuu didn't seem hesitant or scared or anything but calm and ready. Sanemi always admired that about him. Giyuu was probably thinking of hundreds of things but somehow managing to keep up his act and be ready at any moment of danger.

Both Hashira turned instinctively as they sensed someone nearing. They heard before saw a demon approaching them. The demon was large and had metal-like accessories which glinted in the light of the moon. The moon shone behind it so neither Hashira could see anything else before it attacked.

Both demon slayers dodged it, and went in for their own attacks. They succeeded in injuring it and the demon spoke, then, regenerating itself slowly as its eyes flicked from one to the other. "Hashira, hm?" its voice was rough like sandpaper and low. It turned slowly and it's appearence was revealed, the moonlight now framing its body. It had broad shoulders and skin like the sky, a deep dreamy blue.

It's eyes gleamed and suddenly the world around them turned pitch black. Three figures stood out from the darkness—Sanemi, Giyuu, and the demon. They stood there, or floated, it was unclear what was happening. The demon closed its eyes and brought its hands up in front of it, circling them slowly. "Humans are constantly curious, so I suppose you want to know what's happening?" it said, its mouth tilting in a far off sort of smile. "Either you'll get through this or you'll break yourself into pieces and become my prey. You might think you can choose your path, but it's really on what you can manage. One at a time, I think I'll do. You can see each other suffer."

Sanemi tried moving but it was hard to and his body moved slowly as if being held back by something. He looked at Giyuu whose gaze met his, panicked. Sanemi opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. He closed it, confused. Was it something about this darkness?

He moved as fast as he could, lunging towards the demon. But the demon was quick and moved away, fast. "Now, now, I can't keep this up as long as I could after I eat you two. Don't move too much it makes it harder for me," it said, batting at Sanemi. It moved as if underwater, drifting slightly. "I'll let you watch your friend here first."

Sanemi's head snapped to were Giyuu floated and he saw his eyes suddenly turning black. He tried shouting, but his voice wouldn't project past his mind and he struggled to get to his boyfriend who suddenly seemed like miles away now.

Giyuu's body went limp, though his hand still clutched his katana. Images started appearing around him, and Sanemi could barely make them out as they flitted past. Then the demon, whose hand was outstretched towards Giyuu, smiled and the images paused on one. It was one of Sanemi. He stood in front of Giyuu, shouting something the actual Sanemi couldn't hear. But he didn't remember this. Maybe this was a fear of Giyuu's as the reports had said about this demon?

Sanemi watched the image of himself say something. Then Giyuu, who's black eyes were fixed upon the hologram. His lip seemed to tremble and he shouted something back, something that didn't reach Sanemi's ears. Then projected Sanemi said something that looked sickeningly like "I hate you" before it disappeared. It was immediately replaced with an image of a girl who looked similar to Giyuu and a boy with peach hair and a clothes with a pattern like GIyuu's haori. Perhaps the friend and sister he'd spoken of.

They said something, glaring at Giyuu whose whole body seemed to shake. Sanemi tried moving closer to him, to put a hand on his arm and comfort him, but the demon didn't like that and kept hissing at Sanemi until he stopped. Giyuu watched the projection with a look of shock and dismay written on his face. He stared as the image was replaced by one of all the Hashira, but they weren't saying anything. They all looked at him with faces of disapproval and they parted to show Kagaya who lay, dead behind them. Giyuu's face contorted with emotion and Sanemi felt his heart break upon seeing this.

The demon was making things up and playing them in front of Giyuu to see if he could get through this emotional turmoil. This wasn't something easily healed, Sanemi realized. As long as it wasn't a mortal wound, physical injuries would heal eventually. Even if you did end up with a scar. But something mental would be a lot harder to get over because there was no exact 'cure' for it.

Giyuu shook as the image disappeared, shaking his head. The new hologram was of all of the Hashira, including Sanemi, the Kamado boy and his sister, the girl who looked like Giyuu and the boy with peach hair, all of them as demons, eating, and hunting people. And then Muzan reaching his arm out to Giyuu, giving him his blood.

The next was of something Sanemi couldn't make out. It seemed like something moving fast. Perhaps a demon. It lunged towards Giyuu and then it went black. The image disappeared and Giyuu's eyes cleared from the black. But his expression didn't. He was crying, now, shaking, and the demon smirked.

"Looks like your friend didn't make it," it murmured. "Wonderful. I've never eaten a Hashira before."

Sanemi shook his head violently and swam as fast as he could towards Giyuu, grabbing his arm when he finally got there. "Giyuu!" he mouthed. But Giyuu wouldn't look at him. He was trembling, too much.

Sanemi's head turned towards the demon, though his eyes were still on Giyuu. Then he ripped his gaze from his boyfriend and turned to the demon who's eyes glinted in the dark. "Your friend is done," the demon said gleefully. "And you're next!"

Sanemi turned to Giyuu who seemed to be drowning though they could breathe perfectly well in this underwater darkness. Then suddenly they were back on the field, the grass swaying in the light wind. Sanemi jerked forward, lunging at Giyuu. But the demon was faster and yanked at Giyuu's arm, pulling him towards it.

The scarred Hashira shook, his hands gripping his katana now tightly. He moved forward but the demon rolled it's eyes and moved away. Either this demon had lost energy doing that black thing where they'd just been, or it was bad at fighting. Or both.

Sanemi felt like he was suddenly able to breathe and the noises around him were amplified after being in the quiet darkness of the void from a minute ago. It made him a bit dizzy and everything seemed especially bright. His gaze was on the demon who had it's arms wrapped around Giyuu.

Giyuu seemed both unconscious and conscious somehow, his eyes blinking widly but his body limp. Then his eyes met Sanemi's and Giyuu mouthed something. Sanemi's eyes widen and he shouted, moving forward. The demon ripped off the Water Hashira's arms off and a bloodcurdling scream erupted from Giyuu, making Sanemi freeze and nearly fall over.

He was trembling as he regained his balance, trying desperately to get to Giyuu. But the demon had plunged his hand into Giyuu's head and he was dead now. Sanemi moved fast, then, only managing to get what was left of Giyuu's haori before he was suddenly in the darkness again.

He turned, achingly slow, and saw the demon eating Giyuu. His fists were clenched tightly around his katana and his breathing was sharp, heavy. He glared, shouting soundless words at the demon, angry. How could it do this. How could the demon eat Giyuu?!

Sanemi moved to try to reach it, but suddenly Genya stood before him. He jerked back, shock filling his features. "Genya?" he asked, breathless. "Genya, I'm sorry, I-"

Genya slapped his brother, hot tears pouring down his cheeks. "You killed me! It's all your fault!"

Sanemi stared. "I didn't kill you, a demon did. I know it was my fault, but I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear! I was paying attention but I was on a mission and I failed. I'm sorry."

"Sorry's are worthless! I'm dead!" Genya screamed.

Something in the back of Sanemi's mind shouted at him. Instinct. This isn't real. If he's dead then he can't speak to you.

Sanemi glared at Genya. "You're not my brother," he said, voice cold.

"You got me killed and now you're claiming we aren't of the same blood??" Genya shouted, incredulously.

"I didn't kill you! And you're not my brother! My brother is dead! He can't talk to me! And he would never say that," Sanemi said, closing his eyes and turning away.

Genya didn't respond and he turned back, his eyes open slightly. But his brother—no, that wasn't his brother—was gone. Instead, Masachika stood there, his mouth usually upturned in a smile was now placed in a frown, his eyes judging Sanemi.

"How dare you go on your life as a Hashira, when I had died. You were just fine without me," Masachika said, his voice low and disapproving.

"I had no choice, it's not like I could just mourn your death! We promised to kill all the demons and I couldn't do that if I was mourning you only. I did care about you! I do! But I can't reverse a death," Sanemi pointed out, raising an eyebrow. "You know that. You told me not to mourn."

"But you could've saved even a little time to mourn me!" Masachika shot back, ignoring the last part. "And you didn't!"

"I did! I fucking did! And I would've done it for longer if I hadn't been called in to the Hashira's meeting!" Sanemi cried out, moving forward. "You can't tell me what to do and what not to do, I don't care you were my best friend, I don't fucking care. I cared deeply for you but you're gone and dead and that won't change so go the fuck away from me, I don't want you in my face."

Masachika scoffed and gave Sanemi one more disappointed look before he turned and walked away, seeming to fade into the distance. Sanemi turned, wanting to leave wherever all of these people were coming from, but was stopped by a crow.

The bird flew up to Sanemi's level and said, loudly, "All of the Hashira have died! You must face Muzan by yourself or the world will end!"

Sanemi's eyes widened. "WHAT?!" he shouted.

The crow nodded. "By yourself! By yourself! Yourself!" it repeated, it's words echoing. It continued and then the crow was gone but the words rang in Sanemi's head.

He had to do it by himself? Then Kyojuro stepped forward, a deep scowl on his face. "You're a disgrace to the Hashira!"

Kanae nodded, disapprovingly, moving next to the Flame Hashira. "Worthless!"

"You should never have been selected into the ranks of a Hashira, or a demon slayer at all. You should've died instead of me!" Masachika shouted.

Tengen agreed, his jewels flashing in the light. "How unflambouyant of you. You should be kicked out!"

The rest of the Hashira murmured their agreement, surrounding Sanemi. Then Giyuu stepped forward, brandishing his katana. "You should've commited seppuku! But you're a coward! And since you're too scared to do it yourself, I'll kill you for your," he decided, his katana suddenly at Sanemi's throat.

"No, what did I do, I didn't do anything!" Sanemi screamed, trying to push Giyuu away. "Giyuu, why.. why would you.."

And then the Hashira and Masachika were gone, replaced by Kagaya who sat at his usual seat. Sanemi stood there, staring. Then he advanced. "Master! I'm sorry, what did I do, I-"

Kagaya lifted a hand. "Because of your foolishness, you got all the Hashira killed. I was the one who chose you in these ranks. I must kill myself. I cannot believe you, Sanemi." He looked up and his expression engraved itself into Sanemi's mind. "You don't deserve to live."

Sanemi fell to his knees and then someone picked him up. He looked up to see Giyuu, smiling. It was an uncanny smile, so unlike Giyuu Sanemi felt sick. Giyuu said, his voice dripping with sarcastic sweetness, "Oh, Shinazugawa. You're such a mess. You know.. maybe we should break up. I decided I like your friend Iguro better. He's so much better than you! He's also way nicer and would treat me 100 times better than you could ever have."

Sanemi shook his head. "No, no! Please! Sorry! I can treat you better than him! Besides, he likes Kanroji!! Giyuu, please, no!"

Giyuu's smile drifted to a smirk. "If I can't have Iguro, then I'll take Kocho. She's always likes me, I know it. And she probably kisses better! Her lips look so sweet and soft~"

Sanemi flinched. "Don't.. don't go to Kocho.. I promise.. I can be better at everything, don't leave me, please don't leave me!"

"Why not? I hear Rengoku is up for grabs. He's much kinder than you who shouts all day." The Water Hashira caressed Sanemi's cheek, in a mock comforting way and infuriated Sanemi. "Or maybe Uzui, I'm sure he has room for a husband~ And he treats his wives so well, unlike you who can't treat one boyfriend good. Anyone but you~"

Sanemi shook his head. "You.. you love me!" he said desperately. "Not them!"

Giyuu gave him a tilted smile. "When did I ever say that?"

"Be- Before you died!" Sanemi whispered. "You said.. You said, 'I'm sorry, I love you!'" He looked up at Giyuu with pleading eyes. "Don't you remember..?"

The Hashira only raised an eyebrow. "Before I died?"

"Yes, you just die.." Sanemi trailed off, a thought occuring to him. "Wait, you just died. How the fuck are you.." He jerked away, pushing Giyuu off of him. "Who are you? You're not Giyuu!"

Then the person gave him a look of disgust and disappeared.

Sanemi turned, and saw the demon there again. He was back in the darkness. His head spun. What had just happened? What was happening? The demon wasn't looking at him, it was turned away eating something. Giyuu. It was eating Giyuu. Sanemi felt sick to the stomach but he just looked away, everything that just happened processing in his mind.

How had he just been talking to Giyuu if he was dead? And he'd talk to other people to who had died. How had he done that? None of this made sense to him, and he clutched his head in his hands, confused. Then he remembered how Giyuu had died. He'd seen Giyuu floating in front of the images of people. Some of the people Sanemi figured had been Giyuu's sister and friend—both who had died. Had he really just been seeing fake things the whole time? Was it those images again?

He turned back to the demon whose eyes were on Sanemi.

"Damnit.. I guess one Hashira is enough for today, though," the demon muttered to itself. "Alright, well, bye," it said.

Sanemi dropped suddenly and found himself on the grass again. His ears popped at the sudden sounds and he struggled to get back to standing. He looked up and saw the demon leaving. "Hey! Where are you going!" he shouted, following quickly.

"I don't know how to fight and I already used too much energy on keeping you in the void, so if you'd rather not get hurt you should probably go. By the way, you friend was actually good energy, I should eat more Hashira," it said, mostly to itself now.

"I don't give a fuck about getting hurt, I'm going to kill you!!" Sanemi screamed, letting tears flow down his cheeks as he moved to attack.

"Try what you want, I'm not a good fighter but I have speed on my side," the demon said, its metal accessories shining in the light.

"Well I have both!" Sanemi gritted out, pivoting to turn to the demon which stood behind him.

"Good for you. But you're still human so-" the demon started. Sanemi cut it off quite literally, managing to strike its shoulders. "Fuck, I missed," he sighed.

"Ooh, that was good. One second, let me regenerate," the demon said, running off.

Sanemi shot after it, slashing his katana the best he could towards the demon. It really was exceptionally fast. Why wouldn't it fight, though? Demons were naturally strong, so what was the point.

The demon stopped suddenly, not seeming to have noticed Sanemi yet. The Hashira took the chance to jump up, landing on top of the demon which struggled under him. He brought down his katana, fast, and cut the demon's head off. He sighed, defeated, and watched the demon disintigrate.

"Fuck you," he snapped, glaring at what remained of the demon. "Go to hell."

The demon rolled its eyes. "Whatever."

Sanemi walked back, finding himself back to where he'd been when Giyuu died. He moved in the grass and sank to his knees, staring at the spot where Giyuu had been held by the demon. Sanemi mouthed the words again, the words Giyuu had tried to say before he died. "I'm sorry. I love you."

He looked down, wiping at his eyes. He didn't want to cry. He spotted the bit of Giyuu's haori that he'd managed to grab earlier in the grass. He darted forward and picked it up carefully, as if it was made out of glass. He stared at it, and it wasn't until a tear dropped onto the fabric that he realized he was crying.

Giyuu was gone. Giyuu was gone because Sanemi hadn't been fast enough.

He turned and looked over to the horizen, his heart sinking. "I'm sorry I didn't save you," he murmured. He looked down at the piece of fabric and buried his face into it. It still smelled like Giyuu, though the irony smell of blood was tangled in it as well. "I love you, Giyuu."

~~~

Sanemi placed the flowers in the vase, staring at them. They were a mix of flowers that constantly reminded him of Giyuu because they had been the ones he'd given him on their first date. He sighed and turned away, picking up the last piece of Giyuu he had left of him. The haori remained as it had the day Giyuu died; he hadn't wanted to wash it. He placed it next to the flowers alongside a picture of Giyuu he'd found amongst his things.

He looked away right after, willing himself not to cry. Crying was weak. He didn't want to cry.

Sanemi walked out the door and down the path, letting his crow show him the way. He knocked on the butterfly mansion's door, and Shinobu opened it, a pitiful smile playing on her face.

"Hello, Shinazugawa. Come for your check-up?" she asked.

Sanemi nodded. A mission he'd had after the one with Giyuu had gotten him injured due to being distracted. Shinobu had told him to come for a last check up today to ensure that the wound was healed and see if it would last as a scar.

He stepped inside and Shinobu closed the door. They walked down the hall silently and she eventually escorted him into a room. Sanemi sat down dutifully, his mind blank. He'd been going mostly on autopilot for the last few weeks. He felt numb and anything that happened had to be told to him to do, because he felt he couldn't make his own decisions without Giyuu.

This had been obvious because whenever someone suggested he did something, whenever someone told him to do something, he always did it whether or not he wanted it. He continued going to the therapist woman every two weeks because it had been recommended for him, but whenever he went he would make sure the session ended early because he wanted to leave her sad gaze. He wanted to leave the eyes of Obanai which stayed on him.

He'd picked Obanai to be with him during the sessions simply because Obanai had offered. He didn't care about anything anymore. Sanemi just wanted to be with Giyuu again but he willed himself not to die because he knew Giyuu would hate it.

Shinobu tapped on a cup, bringing him back to the present. "Shinazugawa. Stop with the long face," she ordered. "Yes, Tomioka-San died. Yes, none of us like it. And yes, we're all sad about it. But you're a Hashira for fucks sake, pull yourself together! It's been weeks. We all die eventually. Just think about it differently and stop moping around or you'll get yourself killed." She placed her hands on her hips and glared at Sanemi through her bangs. "Fuck, just let yourself break down, but show some emotion! You're being overly dramatic. Kanae died, but I had to keep going. All of us have had someone we know who died. It's not fucking easy but neither is acting like you are. Stop it."

Sanemi looked at her blankly, not wanting to listen. She sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Look, I know you cared for Tomioka dearly—we all did. And I'm sorry that we can't bring him back. But you and I know that doing this would make him sad—and don't deny it I saw how in love he was with you. So stop being a bitch and look around! The world hasn't changed! One person died, and yes he was dear to us, but the world isn't going to stop for him! Just keep going until the end, you'll make it through, but you have to do it," she said, tapping her foot on the ground impaitently. "You're acting so fucking obedient it's annoying. I swear, I'm going to slap the shit out of you if you don't open your eyes."

Sanemi blinked, scooting back slightly at the last part. Shinobu smirked. He rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Scared?"

"No! Your slaps hurt, okay?" he huffed. He crossed his arms then turned to her, in sudden shock.

Shinobu had a triumphant glint in her eyes. "So you can be human again! Finally! I thought you would never break that stupid façade of yours."

Sanemi sighed. "Fine. But I've not gotten over any of this. If I promise to stop, uh, what did you call it?"

"Moping around?" she suggested.

"Yes, that, whatever. If I stop just, promise to stop bothering me?" he asked.

"Promise," she said, smiling.

"Then I'll stop." Sanemi got up. "Not hurry up and check me or I'm going to just leave."

"Alright, alright," Shinobu said, amused.

She turned her back to Sanemi, searching through the draws for what she needed. Sanemi would need some help going along—they all would. When a Hashira died, nobody was happy. None of them were happy when anyone died, of course, but the Hashira were more like family than just a group of people. Shinobu smiled sadly to herself. She would help Sanemi through this. After all, she had been somewhat close to Giyuu. Supporting Sanemi would help herself as well, she figured.

She turned back, constructing her expression to a happy one. "Now, let me see if you've acquired yourself another scar."

{Word count: 10,385}

Not this taking way too long to write 😬

I think this was originally vent writing but it might've been something else—I forget :>

..this turned out a lot longer than I realized it would be lmao..

Also credits to my sister for thinking of the demon at the end bc she was the one who had the idea of the BDA- kinda wanna make the demon into an OC now..

OKAY UHMMMMMMM FINALLY I CAN SAY BYEEEEE 😭!!

BYE YOU DEMONIC LOVELY PEOPLE<33

#sanegiyuu #long ass post #demon slayer #kny #kimetsu no yaiba #angst #sillyness #giyuu #sanemi #tomioka #kny gets therapy finally #d e a t h s #genya #tw sh #shinobu #random oc #random tags>>>>>#more random tags

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xxlady-lunaxx · 1 year ago

Text

One day.. in another.. a different life.. | {ObaMitsu}

Theme: Angst and little Fluff (Warning: A little gore-ish (It's not that much since I'm horrible at writing it-))

Mitsuri smiled happily, kissing Obanai on the cheek. "Iguro-San!" she said excitedly, seeming to not notice how flushed the shorter Hashira was. "Iguro-San, look what I found!!" she giggled, showing Obanai a plushy of a cat. She smiled happily, cuddling it up to her face. "Isn't it cute?!"

Obanai nodded, mostly looking at Mitsuri. She was adorable all excited like that. Smiling, laughing. Oh how he wished he could live with her normally. How different would things be..?

Not different enough. Another life wasn't enough. Because, apparently, no matter how hard he tried, he could never escape the sins his parents commited. Never could rid of them. Never. Never. Never.

He was reborn. Reborn into a family so similar. The same. They stole and preyed on the weakest. They sucked the happiness out of people. They didn't stop.

And once again, Obanai was shoved into a life full of constant guilt. He met Mitsuri, whom had no recall of their life before, but seemed mostly the same. She and Obanai were close.. and then Obanai's family did something horrible. They found Mitsuri often got gifts from people. A lot of gifts. Handmade, store-bought. Beautiful and intricate, simple but sweet. Expensive and cheap, a wide variety of gifts. And exactly what Obanai's family wanted.

They tracked down Mitsuri out of Obanai. They had him invite her to their house to meet her because Obanai was so obviously in love, they figured they could use that as their vantage point. And so it was.

She came over and they were making her some food. While she ate they sent Obanai to go get the bedroom she would sleep in ready. When he came back, Mitsuri was lying on the floor in tears. Her skin looked raw as if somebody had hit her, her hair and clothes messy. She was curled in a ball, trembling. Obanai's family was nowhere to be seen.

Obanai rushed to her, scared, concerned, worried. He cradled her in his arms, asking what was wrong. Mitsuri had said, in between tears and in an almost indistinguishable way, that his family had pinned her down and asked how much money she had, how valuable the gifts she got were, and where they were. They threatened to kill her family if she didn't say. They stole her key to her home and left a minute before Obanai had come back. He was horrified and immediately started comforting Mitsuri. He was holding her close in his arms, tightly, vowing never to let them lay their hands on her again, then a sharp pain shoot through his back and straight through his chest. Blood poured out of him, he couldn't breath. He couldn't think, he couldn't see, he couldn't.. He couldn't even scream. He faltered and felt himself dying. The last thing he registered was Mitsuri in his arms. He died a second before she let out a blood curdling screamed, a knife piercing straight through her heart in one motion.

No matter how many times you're reborn, you will never get that perfect life you long for. No matter how hard you try. How hard you wish for. How many lives you have. It will always be the same, sad story, shitty life. Because god will never forgive you for your actions. Even if they weren't yours. Even if they were your family's. Even if you had no part in them, it's your fault. They do not pay for their sins, you do. Because you're different. You're special. So you're the target. But sometimes that's good. Sometimes it's nice.

Mitsuri remembered their past this time. Their original ones. Their first pasts. The one from over a century ago. Where they fought alongside each other. A dangerous but happy life. She remembered it all. The rest, she did not. Which was quite ironic, because Obanai remembered the other one but not the first. The one thing they both remembered was their love for each other, however. A strong bond that could never be broken. With every life, they always found each other. Fell in love and grew inseperable. But all good things come with a price.

Given their past, Obanai was careful to only ever go to Mitsuri's house, never inviting anyone to his. He said little to nothing about his life outside of home to his family, not wanting to get her in danger once again.

But even that wasn't enough. Because the world didn't seem to want them happy. Want them to be at peace. What did they ever to do get this? Why?

It was horrifying. Mitsuri's dead body. Lying on the cold ground. Bloodied and bruised. Something straight out of his nightmares, only 100 times more real and more scary. Her insides pouring out, her clothes stained with red, all of it.. it was the worst thing he'd ever seen.. Obanai killed himself that night.. With the image of his lovers broken and dead body in his mind.

How much was it to ask for a normal life? A good one? One that's a soothing melody. A peaceful night by the ocean. Not a song that goes deep and dark, cutting through your body and leaving the scent of blood behind. Not the night where you fall into the ocean and drown, leaving only a trace of yourself behind. Not where you don't see it coming. You can live a life, perfect and sweet, not expecting anything. And innocent one, something cute. Something nice. And then the world throws yet another knife. A bullet to the heart. Why was it so much to ask? Why couldn't they just have something—anything, to soothe their broken hearts. Why did the world hate them so?

Once again, reborn as innocent children. The memories from the past slowly growing clearer, but still just nightmares. And then they meet. Sweet children, falling in love. Grow up together and hit their teens. They fool around and break rules, hide in the protection of each other's arms under the rain or cuddling safely with each other as they wake up to another day. Nothing out of place. Nothing..

And yet..

And yet the storm is still to come. Building up to the most disgraceful one. Building, building, building.

"When tragedy strikes, there's always the smell of blood in the air."

A rainy day. The lovers walked home together, their arms linked with each others, laughing and talking. It was a weekend, a day of rest. Still only morning, but the town already bustling with life. The two took a wrong turn into an alley. Bad things always happen in alleys. But together they could brave through it. They walked out and found themselves back to the road they were meant to take. Not suspecting anything, they continued their walk home. For, now the two lived together. In fact, they had a child. Waiting at home with her grandmother. Mitsuri's mother was a sweet woman, constantly wanting to help out. She was very considerate of the two and found them adorable together from the first time they met.

As the two rounded the corner to their house, a sense of dread hit them like a .. a demon. A blow to the heart. Paranoia? No.. The door was open. It had been open for some time, because the rain was puddling up inside. The two rushed forward, clutching each others hands and pushing the gates open. They stopped dead in their tracks at the sight of the scene displayed in front of them. Blood mixed with the rain water, flowing together into one red puddle. A hand.. a hand disconnected from the body stuck to the door.. Clutching onto the handle tightly.. as if trying to escape.. It was silent. Deathly silent..

Mitsuri screamed. Obanai would've as well, if he hadn't been shocked into silence. What was this.. no.. it couldn't be.. it was horrible.. just like the nightmares.. Or had they been nightmares..? Future predictions? No.. the time settings had been set a while back.. Perhaps.. past lives.. Perhaps.. their future would be like this..

Mitsuri went to dash in, desperate to find her daughter. Obanai grabbed her wrist to stop her. No.. not Obanai. Obanai didn't have sharp nails an-

She blacked out as a cold metal pole hit her in the back of her head. Obanai was nowhere to be seen.

Screaming. Crying. Pleading. Shouting. Gun shots.

Wait..

Gun shots..?

Pain shot through her whole body as she blinked back into life. She took one look around her and remembered what happened. Obanai.. the house... blood.. rain.. what..

She then realized what was happening and was suddenly fully aware of everything. Her daughter was tied up to a pole in the middle of the room. A gag on her mouth, her eyes wide with fear and frantically looking for help. She looks mostly unharmed, except for the sharp shape of a hand on her cheek. Although she had blood splattered on her, it did not look as if it was hers.

Then she remembered the screams. Crying, the pleading, it was still there. She jerked her head towards the direction it was coming from, trying to see, but realizing she had bonds as well. She was secured tightly to the wall. She couldn't speak, barely could breath. She felt as if she was on fire, her body heating up terribly. She felt burns all over her and wondered what had happened. How long had she been out? Where.. where was Obanai? Her mother?

Then someone was kicked into her line of view. A cold laugh rang through her ears as it dawned on her who had been screaming. Her husband. Obanai. His legs and arms were bound together. He had burns and wounds all over, was bleeding profusely from somewhere, or everywhere. He was screaming in pain, writhing and flinching at every little movement. His voice was hoarse but he kept going, his face was stained with blood and tears, and he was barely recognizable. It was impossible to tell him apart now, he was so beaten up.. Mitsuri tried screaming but she only managed to widen her eyes in terror at the person displayed before her. Standing above her suffering husband and close to her traumatized daughter.

A person that had been in her nightmares once before. Someone whom she'd never recognized as him before, only seeing him as his daughters babysitter. Someone.. according to her memories.. named Muzan Kibutsuji. His hair.. his voice.. his laugh.. his eyes. It was him, no doubt. And the merciless expression on his face as he cut Obanai to pieces.. the all too familiar look.. it was too much.. too.. much...

She heard the faint sound of Obanai screaming as a knife was stabbed into his back before she passed out once again.

She woke up. It was quiet now. Dark. She looked up and felt fear coursing through her blood. What had happened? Was he gone? Where was Obanai? And..

The lights flickered on and Mitsuri let out a strangled scream. The body of her dead family was displayed at her feet. She slowly looked up towards the source of the light and saw Muzan there, his eyes hungry for more. He held a knife above his hand. Sharp and thin, a dangerous weapon. There were other weapons to the side, a gun, different variations of them. Several blades and a lighter. Others Mitsuri couldn't identify, especially not in the state she was in. She trembled and glanced back up at him, willing herself not to look down. Nevertheless, the image of the tangled up bodies of her husband, her daughter, and her mother kept flashing in her mind. She was crying, tears pouring down her face. Muzan smirked then brought the knife down quickly, deep into her thigh. She tried to scream but she couldn't. He continued, carving deep wounds into her body, over and over and over. It wouldn't stop. Pain continued on. A fire was lit on her arm. Several bullets straight through her chest. But she wouldn't die. Please.. just let her die.. let her go back to her family.. Somewhere... in heaven.. please..

It must've been hours before her wish came to light. Mitsuri Kanroji's body lay in pieces on top of her family's. She died as she let out a last scream.. using her last energy to scream her lovers name.. The name of the person who had been with her through all these lives..

4th life. No high hopes for this. Or any hopes at all. At least not at first. Obanai and Mitsuri grew up as friends. This time, they both remembered all of their memories. And even as babies they knew not to say anything. When they met, they already knew each other. They were close, constantly on edge, tried to be with others all the time, and made sure to take careful note of anyone and anything. If they saw anybody moderately close to one of their past enemies, they would rush off immediately. The two did date a lot earlier then they did in their past lives. Because somehow their love for each other still ran firmly through all these lives. All these years. Nothing could part them. Not even death, although it had tried time and time again.

Their lives went as normal as they could pretend they were, besides all that. They managed to find Giyuu and Sanemi in this life. Apparently the two were lovers, which was a huge surprise. Even more so that the two did, in fact, remember their demon slaying pasts. But putting that aside, nothing else all that interesting happened. They just went on with their lives. As they drew closer to the year of 60, they were getting hopeful. Hopeful that perhaps their lives would be normal. Peaceful. No violent deaths..

But out of everyone, they should know.. never let your guard down. And yet.. and yet they did.. and it cost them their life.. Once again.. For the 4th time.

And as the two died in each others arms.. for the 4th time, Obanai whispered something into his lovers ear. He said, "No matter what the world throws at us, one day.. in another.. a different life.. we'll find peace.. I'll protect you forever.. I promise.."

Simple but sweet was perfect. A life where they waited. Where they were their own selves and not one of the past. Simple. A life where they fell in love as the same, but not. Where they found each other again. Sweet. A life where they had no worries. No memories of the past they suffered. Just each other. Perfect. No twist. No but's. Nothing but pure bliss. As they meet for the first time in highschool. Grow together, closer. From the closest of friends to lovers. As he asks her out for the first time. As she walks down the aisle on their wedding day. As they take their first step into a new family. As they go to the park with their children. As they hold hands in a field of flowers. As they die peacefully and happily, their last breath being said. "I love you." Love. Something that can last on and on. No matter how many times you die and are reborn. But now, they are at peace. No worries. No fear. No deaths. Nothing.. tragic. Drastic. Just a happy family and a happy life. As their souls return to heaven back again. This time to stay forever, happily entwined as they watch their children grow into adults. Growing the family. Growing their lives. Because everyone is happy. Everyone..

Everyone is happy until the smell of blood is in the air.

{Word count: 2600} I'm.. I don't know what I just wrote but uh..Uh yeah Anyways uhm.. nice ending right?? 😇

Ly all, gn (for me when i wrote this-) Have a good day/night/idgaf ^^

Edit: because we love angst, no?

#obamitsu #kimetsu no yaiba #kny #angst #demon slayer #idk what i'm doing #sillyness #reincarnation #past lives #d e a t h s #little gore ig

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