#creativisleepality

[tulipanthousa]

i love creativisleep getting exceptions, im a bit feral over them and the like what ifs of how they could have been so many things for each other

theyre bffs (one of the fs stands for fucking)

honestly i've been thinking about making a sfw extra where i figure out a way to explain the polycule without getting too blue, because i have like a shape of an idea of a very young Linda understanding her dads are married and the remy and emile are married but also winding up under the impression that remy and roman are friend-husbands who just dont live together

or even asking why Pop's friend-husband and his family dont live with them. i just think it would be cute

[notveryglittery]

okok so new ot4 roman n patton n remy n emile sick fic + stress relief fic? i'd use slashes but i'm on french keyboard lmao -blink

( continuing my domestic drabbles !! ) 

patton and emile weren’t mad, they were just worried! it wasn’t even disappointment, either. to be honest, this kind of behavior was pretty much expected of roman and remy by now. the pair would rather suffer in silence than ever admit to actually being sick. that meant they’d have to give in to the simple truth that they were human; that they were susceptible to the cold just like everyone else was. 

“i’m stronger than that!” roman said, pouting, arms crossed over his chest. there were bags under his eyes, no longer hidden by concealer. he’d been caught trying to apply it this morning by emile, who had been woken by remy coughing a fit into a pillow. 

“i don’t get sick, babes,” remy said, pointedly avoiding looking at any of them. his voice was scratchy, a dead giveaway now that he wasn’t sucking on lozenges like candy. patton not-so-gently shoved a mug of hot tea into his hands. 

remy looked down into the drink, scowling. “is there at least–?” 

“eight spoonfuls of honey.” 

roman giggled at patton’s tone and then immediately quieted when emile not-so-gently glared at him. he leaned closer and pressed the back of his hand to roman’s forehead. 

“i don’t know why y’all thought it’d be a good idea to hide this from us,” emile said, frowning. “don’t you remember what happened when rayla kept secrets from callum and ezran?”

“right now, i barely remember two hours ago.” 

“two hours ago, i found you in the bathroom, half-asleep on the counter, trying to cover up the evidence of your being awake all night.” 

roman spluttered, clearly offended at being called out so directly. remy jerked awake suddenly, nearly spilling his drink. 

“rem,” patton murmured, taking the mug from his hands. “sweetpea, no napping just yet.” 

remy whined. “’m sleepy.” 

“i know, darling.” 

patton and emile shared a look over their boyfriend’s heads. emile combed a hand through roman’s hair before he stood and left for the kitchen. patton, with quite a lot of convincing and shuffling, eventually got roman and remy bundled together on the couch. he pulled the ottoman closer for them to keep their legs propped up on and gave them extra pillows to squeeze if they wanted. by the time this was done, emile had returned with a tray. he set it down carefully on the coffee table. 

patton and emile took a bowl each and sat on either side of roman and remy. 

“it’s chicken noodle,” emile said, brushing remy’s bangs from his forehead. “you’re such a strong, independent gem but let’s be independent together, okay?” 

“cheesy,” remy muttered before accepting a spoonful of soup. 

“no, silly, he just told you, it’s chicken noodle!” patton said, giggling. likewise, he was coaxing roman into being fed. roman would vehemently insist later on that he only allowed this because patton was extra close to him and he’d do anything if it meant keeping his heart so near.

“you know, remy,” roman said, patting his hand around underneath the blankets until he found remy’s hand, too. he laced their fingers together. “at least this got the two of them away from their work.” 

emile squinted at them. “pardon?” 

“you’re right!” remy exclaimed, sitting up suddenly. emile reeled back so nothing spilled. “hah! not sick, just getting you workaholics to take a break!” 

patton’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he sighed. there really was no denying it. he’d been studying a lot for his exams; he wouldn’t have been surprised if even logan thought he was going overboard. emile, likewise, had been doing a lot of research lately to take into his sessions. 

“guilty as charged,” emile agreed. “what shall our punishment be?” 

“cuddles!” roman declared. 

“after medicine,” patton amended. 

after soup and tea and medicine, the four returned to bed. patton and emile set aside their work and the stress of not working in favor of keeping their boys comfortable and warm. it worked out pretty well in everyone’s favor.

[storytellerofuntoldlegends]

“get away from them!” + creativisleepality with remy protecting roman and patton? 💖

A/N: okay, so these prompts will get posted sporadically cause I forgot I have a thing to do later this afternoon, but I will do my best to get them written and posted over the weekend! For now, enjoy this adventurer/explorer/ancient magic au dealio!

Warnings: near death experiences, minor violence, kissing (in other words, Roman is a reckless boyo and thank goodness one of his boyfriends is a magic winged man)

-

Roman knew that maybe, maybe, he was a little in over his head this time. He was supposed to be an adventurer, slayer of mighty and terrifying beasts! But of course, his goals and adventures sometimes got a little out of hand. Like this time, for instance. So what if he had accidentally awoken an ancient guardian of a mystical temple buried deep in the woods? How was he supposed to know that by accidentally stepping on that one specific tile on the temple floor, the imposing statue in the center of the room would come to life? But that wasn’t the worst of it- he had decided to bring his boyfriend Patton along, insisting that it would be a simple quest. Get in, sketch out their discoveries, get out. However… it was looking like this was not going to be a simple quest for the adventurer and his cartographer.

“Roman, look out!” Patton cried, shoving Roman out of the way before the stone guardian’s fist came crashing down on him. The two of them tumbled to the floor, Patton ending up on top of Roman. Despite the smudge of dirt on his cheek, the dust in his curly locks, and the otherwise grimy appearance of the man, Roman thought he had never looked more gorgeous.

“Thanks, angel,” he murmured. Patton smiled and rolled his eyes.

“I think we both know I’m not the guardian angel in this relationship,” Patton scoffed. Roman conceded to this with a nod, thinking of their other boyfriend, Remy. Once, when it was just Roman and Patton against the world, they came across a strange being encased in what seemed to be a giant slab of amber. They had appeared to be an ordinary human being- minus the wings that had stretched out behind him. When they managed to dig the figure out, Roman and Patton were surprised to find that they were still alive. The figure- Remy, had said that he had been cursed to be trapped in amber for all time, and was eternally grateful to Roman and Patton for saving him. From then on, the three of them had become a tight-knit group of adventurers… and then more than that, even.

“Sure wish he was here right now,” Roman said dreamily. Patton opened his mouth to say something else, but a gasp came out instead as he suddenly rolled the two of them to the side. The guardian’s fist had come at them again, but thanks to Patton’s quick thinking, they had once again come out unscathed.

“Me too, but someone decided that we should head out without him!” Patton reprimanded, helping him up to his feet.

“You know how Remy feels about enclosed spaces! I thought we’d be back before he woke up!” Roman huffed. Patton pursed his lips together and glared a bit at Roman. But before he could reprimand him again, the stone guardian roared, lumbering towards them. Patton and Roman turned to run, but then realized they had been backed into a corner. Roman glared up at the guardian, stepping in front of Patton protectively. A pair of arms suddenly wrapped around his waist, and Roman glanced over his shoulder to see Patton clinging to him with misty eyes.

“I don’t wanna die angry at you,” Patton said in a trembling voice. Roman gave him a soft smile, then leaned in to give him a quick peck on the lips before turning back to face the stone guardian.

“Get away from them!” a voice cried out, and Roman’s heart leapt for joy. Remy. The winged man in question was hovering over the stone guardian, his trusty golden spear in hand. And despite his jet black wings, Remy looked no less angelic. The stone guardian let out a gravelly growl of frustration, and lumbered around to face Remy. In return, Remy let out a vicious war cry that sounded more animalistic than human, and drove his spear through the stone guardian’s head. The head crumbled apart on impact, and the headless statue crumpled to the ground, narrowly missing where Patton and Roman were huddled together. Roman felt a slight pang of jealousy… he really had to get himself one of those magical ancient weapons one of these days. Adventuring would be much easier that way.

“Heyyy… angel! Nice job, how did you-” Roman started, but halted his sentence when Remy glared at him. The winged man landed in front of them, and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Don’t ‘angel’ me, babes. Hun, what were you thinking?!” he scolded. Roman gently dislodged himself from Patton’s hold.

“I was thinking it would be a quick quest, and that we would return with a tale to regale you with when we returned?” Roman replied sheepishly. Remy let out a sound of frustration, then stalked towards Roman. For a brief, terrifying moment, Roman was afraid that Remy was going to run him through with his spear- until he was suddenly pulled into Remy’s arms for a passionate kiss.

“Don’t scare me like that ever again. You’re lucky that yours and Patton’s bracelets are more than just pretty trinkets,” Remy murmured when he pulled away.

“...huh?” Roman asked, head still spinning from the kiss. Remy chuckled, and took hold of Roman’s wrist and brought it up to his face. On it was a golden bracelet that was inlaid with black gems. Patton had a matching one, and Remy wore an amulet with a black gem that matched the ones on their bracelets. Remy had originally worn the two bracelets on his wrists, but had given them to Patton and Roman when the three of them had officially started a romantic relationship.

“Magic jewelry?!” Patton squealed, examining his own bracelet.

“Um. Duh? I know you two always end up getting into trouble,” Remy said with a laugh, letting go of Roman’s wrist and holding his hand out to Patton. The cartographer all but skipped over to them, cupping Remy’s cheek to pull him into a kiss, then leaned over to kiss Roman’s cheek. Remy pulled the two of them closer, his wings wrapping around them protectively. Roman sighed happily, kissing Remy’s cheek before nuzzling into his neck. Somehow, despite everything, he knew that nothing would ever separate the three of them.

-

Tag List: @4amanxiety @adorably-angsty @alix-the-skeleton @allthemetalsoftherainbow @armageddonhascome @backatthebein @bangthekobrakid @bloodropsblog @cefinitely-rolo @coffeestudylive @cosmic-chu @cyndaquil17 @dani-jeanso @didsomeonesayprince @emphoenixcat @every-day-insomniac @fandomsandanythingelse @flix-net @freekiphotography @freepaperie081 @giant-motha-fuckin-snake @hanramz-the-fander @hhhhhhhhhhfjaskfsagfhasfgdsakfsa @i-need-a-social-life-2710 @i-really-dig-the-purple @ironwoman359 @justanotherpurplebutterfly @kanejandkruge @kitsuneprideleader @kittycake574 @le2712 @littlemiracle05 @loganpatton @look-its-meme @loverofpizzaandallthingssweet @lynlinked @mewsicalmiss @midnightcandy @moonstonefox @musicsavedmefromdeath @mystrangedarkson @nightmarejasmine @not-as-smart @of-treble-and-dragons @punsterterry @purplepatton @quoth-the-sparrow @radioactivehelena @royallyanxious @ruuworld @sanders-trash-4ever @save-me-oh-dream-of-mine @shadowsfromthesun @shygirl4991 @sleepyssnail @softbludemon @softnic @sombraplayslazertag @sos-fandoms @that-one-garbage-nerd @theatresweetheart @the-fandoms-are-takin-over @thelowlysatsuma @theresneverenoughfandoms @thisrandomperson102 @thuriweaver @vigilantvirgil @virgilantanon @yetanother-fangirl 

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

trope mashup 24 and 51 w/ any ship

24. Soulmate AU 51. Accidentally Married

I have decided to go with spins a wheel creativisleepality and just for reference this soulmate au is a tattoo one

Remy’s really not one for soulmates- xe’s good with being a free enby, and xe really thinks most people put too much stock in the system. so when xe meets a cutie who doesn’t seem to have any soulmate qualms either xe’s more than happy to spend the night partying with him

one night and too many shots later and Remy’s waking up to a quick-marriage certificate on the nightstand, cutie from the night before snuggling into xir side, and another cutie who was not there the night before bringing in water glasses and offering Remy a bright hello

it takes two glasses of water and several explanations before Remy gets the full picture:

-cutie from the night before is Roman and other cutie is Patton, polyamorous soulmates (on the back of Patton’s lefthand is a blue heart with glasses + a crown; Roman has the same mark in red on the back of his right hand) who don’t really buy into the whole ‘you can only love your soulmate(s) thing.’ -marriage certificate is the result of drunk people doing drunk things. -Roman cuddling into xir side is the result of Roman thinking xir’s cute and funny and warm and not wanting to let xem go. -Patton being there is the result of a drunken Roman calling Patton to boast about his new spouse, and Patton being a good spouse themself and picking them both up so they could crash responsibly in the guest bedroom

Remy, of course, is ‘hey i don’t want to burst your bubble and break your good vibes here so uh we can get this marriage undone and go our separate ways hey Pat sorry your husband here has been cuddling me all night’ but Roman is adamant that Remy is now his spouse and therefore will be his spouse Forever and Patton says that Remy’s not ruining anything and they’d be happy to at least get to know xem as a friend so Guess Remy’s Trapped

a couple of months go by, Remy still legally married to Roman but trying to treat both him and Patton as Just Friends but having trouble with that because Roman’s cute and Patton’s cute and they’re both nice and they like xem so... falling in love anyways huh. but Remy pushes off any attempts on Ro + Pat’s part to take anything further by stating that xe doesn’t want to hurt xir own soulmate (a lie, Remy doesn’t care about xir soulmate, but it does keep xem safe from Feelings)

and that works! y’know. until Roman’s messing with Remy’s long hair and finds xir soulmark hidden on the back of their neck- the same as Roman + Patton’s, just in black (turns out those glasses weren’t Patton’s)

and now Remy’s out of excuses :)

[goldheartofsteel]

wandering through the alphabet: Patton Edition

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)

Characters: Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Sleep | Remy Sanders

Relationships:  Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders/Sleep | Remy Sanders

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Additional Tags: Alphabet Soup Challenge, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Established Relationship, Polyamory

Chapter 2 - B is for Bird +  Creativisleepality

“Come on, babe. Turn that frown upside down,” comments Remy before elbowing Roman in the side causing him to smack Remy on the upper arm. 

“These foul birds have totally ruined my perfectly coiffed hair. I have every right to be upset,” he crosses his arms, “why did we come here again?”

Remy chuckled then pointed to a person standing several feet away and surrounded by birds of all colors while he fed a parakeet.

At the sight, Roman doesn’t fight the smile that knocks his frown off of his face. 

This effect is one of his favorite things about their boyfriend, Patton...he always makes them smile no matter their moods. 

Roman pulls out his phone and snaps a couple photos. 

“Yeah, yeah...you have a point. Only Patton would be able to get me to come here; there’s no need to be so smug about it,” comments Roman.

At that moment, Patton turns and smiles at his loves, who do their best to not swoon. 

He walks over to them though not without a feathered entourage causing him to laugh and gently shoo them away before returning his attention to Roman and Remy. 

“This has been a wonderful date!”

Patton throws his arms around his boyfriends and hugs them tightly. 

“We’re happy you’re so happy, babe,” says Remy once Patton lets them go. 

Roman takes Patton’s hand who is quick to grab Remy’s in response.

“I think I remember someone said something about wanting to see the penguins and they’re the next exhibit so we should move on so we’re not late to dinner with the rest of the gang,” comments Roman. 

“Sounds like a plan, Ro.” replies Patton.

“Then lead on, Charming,” chimes in Remy.

Roman rolls his eyes but smiles when Remy kisses his cheek. 

[romansleftshoulderpad]

Welcome to the Life of Electra Heart

Track Four: Homewrecker

Ship: Creativisleep

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

If you like my writing, please consider leaving a comment! And maybe, buy me a Ko-Fi?

First Chapter / Last Chapter / Next Chapter

Tag List: @poettheythem @iclaimedtobethebetterbard @justablah56 If you’d like to be added to the tag list, please send an ask!

---

---

Every boyfriend is the one

Until otherwise proven

It took some time for Roman to adjust to his new hair, but just as he grew to know the person in the mirror, he had forgotten the person in all his photographs. The bottle had not been one of goo that simply stained his hair and gave it the slightest shine but a potion that had completely transformed him into someone else. 

Someone who had a chance to be better. 

The good are never easy

That’s what Lilly told him, anyway. That’s what he wanted to believe. 

A bell chimed as he entered the small coffee shop and made his way straight to the counter, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited to be noticed. 

Though Lilly pretended not to see him, she was bad at playing pretend. Her lips were quirked up as she hit ‘start’ on some machine that seemed to scream in protest before she swung around, her high ponytail swishing back and forth in the air. 

“Hello, my dear and darling friend,” Roman said. 

“Hello, complete stranger.”

Roman frowned. “You’re terrible to me.”

Lilly laughed and rolled her eyes, turning back to her workspace where she resumed her role as the master of machines. She pulled metal things and levers faster than Roman could keep track and poured her magic potion into a cup. She topped it with foam and called out, “Cappuccino for Kirsten?” She put the cup on the counter and turned, her hands to the machines in front of her, and her eyes to Roman. “How’d you know I was working today?”

Roman flushed. “I- uh- didn’t. Actually.”

She raised an eyebrow and hit something against a counter with a loud ‘BANG!’

“I’m meeting someone here.”

“A ‘someone’ someone? Or just… someone?”

“Eeeeh?” He tilted his hand back and forth. “I would just call him someone but he definitely isn’t-“ he deepened his voice- “ someone.”

The bell rang above the door and Lilly’s eyes widened. She grabbed a towel and began wiping down the counter- but that wasn’t enough to hide the tension in her shoulders. 

“Oh.”

Roman turned around at the familiar sound of Virgil’s voice. Virgil whose hair was freshly dyed and whose aura was just as terrible as Lilly’s. Oh. 

Lilly’s eyes lowered and she glared as sharp as a blade. 

“Well… this is fun,” Roman said. “I forgot you two knew each other.”

“I wasn’t aware you two had met,” Virgil said awkwardly, trying his best to sound polite. 

Lilly, on the other hand, wasted no chance to be hostile and announced, “I have been Roman’s best friend for five years.”

Please God let me die, Roman prayed. “Well, this reunion has been fun-“

A woman passing by loudly cleared her throat and Lilly sheepishly let go of her glare. “What can I get started for you gentlemen?”

“I’ll have-” Roman started.

Lilly glanced over her shoulder and then leaned in close, almost touching noses with Virgil, as she seethed, “You are going to order and then you’re going to tip at least fifty percent or else I will: Hunt. You. Into. The. Ground. Understood?”

“Small-black-coffee,-please,” Virgil said in a single breath. “With cream?”

“How dark?” she asked, back into her business-as-usual self in the blink of an eye. 

“Uh, you after a day at the beach.” 

She wrote something down on a slip of paper next to her cash register. “One ninety-seven.”

Virgil handed over his credit card and shoved a wad of cash into the tip jar. As soon as the transaction was over, he zoomed over to the Pick-Up counter. 

“Should I ask?”

“Depends,” Lilly said. “Would you like your testicles to remain attached to your body?”

Roman shuddered. “Do you hang out with Remus in your free time?”

“As if,” she said with a less than subtle eye roll, and a half-ass, “No offense.”

“Just ring up the usual.”

The keys clicked like music as she typed his order up. He handed her the exact amount of cash and put a dollar into the jar. He joined Virgil in the Waiting Game. 

“Why here? ” Virgil whined.

Roman raised an eyebrow. “You seem scared.” 

“Scared?” he asked. “I tipped five dollars on a two-dollar drink! Of course, I’m scared.”

“What happened between you two?”

Virgil sighed. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his baggy pants. Though black pants seemed impractical for August, at least he didn’t also have his massive jacket. And the plain white tee looked pretty good on him. (Maybe too good.)

Lilly placed a paper cup on the counter between them. “One Hot Girl Summer for-” She looked at the name on the cup. 

Virgil looked like he might faint. 

She gave a shit-eating grin and announced, “Wiggle?”

For some reason, he gave a sigh of relief.

But Lilly paid no mind to his apparent enjoyment of her terrible nickname. She just picked up a blender that had a cacophony of ingredients and poured in- 

“Lilly, that is an insane amount of ice.” 

She popped on the lid and put it in the machine. She pressed the button that made it loud and leaned close over the counter to be heard. “Do you want a frappe or do you want some liquidy bullshit, Roman? Because less ice would be some liquidy bullshit.”

“Literally none of the other baristas have ever used that much ice.”

“None of the other baristas are your favorite barista.”

Roman twisted his mouth in thought. “I don’t know. If I liked girls, Beth would be about my type.”

“Self-absorbed assholes?” Virgil asked. 

Roman regretted ordering a frappe. He’d need something hot now that his heart was frozen over. 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Lilly butted in. (Roman wished she hadn’t. Virgil should be sorry.) “He needs to hear it.” She handed over his frappe with a mountain of whipped cream and a chocolate frowny face in place of the usual cross-hatched drizzle. “You need to get laid.”

Well, at least he no longer felt icey. Though, now, the ice seemed to be preferable. 

“Aww, it’s cute when you’re flustered,” she cooed.

“I’m going to kill you one of these days.”

 “What does putting a dick in his ass accomplish?”

“Virgil!” 

“Sorry, sorry. What does putting his dick in someone’s ass accomplish?”

“I think I like you two better when you’re trying to kill each other,” Roman said. 

Lilly loudly cleared her throat. “At best , Janus will see you being happy without him and even feel jealous over what he lost. At worst, hey, you get a distraction.” 

Roman’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and looked at the name on the screen. His heart skipped a beat, but his racing mind made up for it. Foolishly, he didn’t hate Lilly’s idea. 

The easy never good. 

And love, it never happens like you think it really should. 

“Hey, meet me at my place tonight?”

Deception and Perfection are wonderful traits. 

One will breed love. 

The other, Hate.

He almost ducked out. He almost got enough sense to text Remy and cancel, go back home, and sleep through the next week. He was almost stupid enough to take a shot. 

Middle grounds are a dangerous place to land. 

“Woah.”

Roman’s head snapped up. 

Remy’s sunglasses were off, tucked into the collar of his shirt. His eyes ran over Roman and he smiled. “Someone is looking vibrant.”

Roman reached up at his hair nervously. “Uh, yeah. It was time for a change.”

“No kidding.” Remy grabbed a seat and spun it around backwards, his chin resting on the back. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a tank top before.”

Roman’s face warmed and he rubbed his hands over his pale arms. Is it cold in here? 

“It’s cute.”

Never mind, it is very very hot!

“Speak for yourself, hot stuff,” Roman said. 

Remy laughed and took Roman’s hand. “It’s okay, you can compliment me without cringing.”

“Can I?” 

“Of course you can,” he said softly. “You know, it’s not just the makeover. There’s been something different about you, lately?”

His stomach turned. “…is there?”

Remy smiled. “I like it.”

“I, uh, well.” Just spit it out, dumbass. “My friend is having a party. Tonight. Did you want to…”

“Are you seriously nervous about this?” Remy teased. “Roman, in the time you’ve known me, when have I ever turned down a party?”

“But… don’t you usually go alone?” 

“Roman,” he said, squeezing his hand, “when have I ever said no to you?”

In another reality, Roman would have blurted, “Do you want to make out with me so I can forget about my shitty ex that I can’t get out of my head?” And Remy would have laughed at him. And maybe, for the first time, Remy would have said no to him. But in this reality, Roman said nothing. 

Maybe nothing was worse. 

You’ll find me in the lonely hearts

Under “I’m after a brand new start.”

Remus was standing in the doorway, doing nothing helpful and being an absolute menace. “Dude, I haven’t seen you this worried about your appearance since-“ He slammed his fist into the side of the door, causing everything near it to shake and several sketchbooks to fall off the shelf next to it. “No! Do not tell me Janus is going to be at this party.”

Roman felt a snake wiggling around in his stomach, making his way up his throat and tightening around his lungs. He squeezed his fists, angry not at the mention of Janus, but at himself for getting so worked up over a name . He took a few deep breaths and said, “ No, he will not be there.” Roman’s eyes were trained on the polished wood dresser in front of him. He couldn’t look Remus in the eyes. He couldn’t even look at his own reflection out of shame. One face, too much disappointment. 

“Good,” Remus said. “Because I’m fully prepared to grab his dick and shove it up his own ass.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “I’m sure that’s someone’s sexual fantasy.”

“Yeah, but it’s also one hell of a way to say ‘go fuck yourself.’

“You’re disgusting,” Roman said. “...but that is pretty funny.”

Remus smiled. “There’s the brother I know and tolerate.”

Roman’s eyes were getting dizzy from so much rolling.

“But don’t think I’ve forgiven you for stealing my title as the Dyed Twin.”

Roman stuck his tongue out at him. “Have fun being the boring bitch of the group.”

Roman’s phone buzzed on the table as an alarm went off. He hit the stop button and took a deep breath. He didn’t bother checking his makeup. If the glitter over his eyes ended up on his cheeks, then he could call it “camp” and move on with his life. He tucked his phone and his wallet into the pockets of his jeans and untucked his black t-shirt for the million-and-first time that evening. Remus tossed his car keys into the air and caught them with a loud jingle. 

Roman’s watch vibrated and he glanced down at the text. “It’s go time. Remy just left.”

Remus stuffed his keys into his pocket and made his way down the stairs with Roman following suit. “Remind me why your guest is meeting you there?

“Same reason I’m going with you. He doesn’t want to leave his car there.”

“And...?”

“He’s, uh, catching a ride with Emile.”

Remus glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. “I didn’t know Em knew Lilly.”

“Me neither,” Roman said, trying to ignore the twist in his gut. “Small world, huh?”

“Too small.”

They opened the front door, the sunlight blinding them. Lilly already had a plan for Emile. Roman just didn’t want to think about what that plan was. He didn’t want to think at all. 

The car ride seemed impossibly long, yet not long enough for Roman to control his racing mind. There were already two cars in the driveway when they arrived, parked on the side of the curb. 

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Remus asked.

Roman answered with the click of his seatbelt before he opened the door and stepped out of the car, into the humid air. Lilly’s house was a bit smaller than his, but her family made up for it with a colorful front garden and a spacious backyard. He stepped on the cobblestones that lead through the garden to the front door and knocked, hearing the sound echo behind the door. Remus approached his side.

After a teasingly long wait, Lilly opened the door. She wore black combat boots and leggings, with a sleeveless gold crop top. She had multiple piercings in either ear and a nose ring going through her right nostril. Even the hairclips she wore around her high ponytail matched. All gold, all begging for the spotlight. 

“Hello, gorgeous,” Roman said.

“What, no welcome gift?” she teased. “Yo, Remus, nice ‘stache.”

“That thing is not a mustache,” Roman said. “Stop encouraging him.”

Remus elbowed his side. “He’s just jealous that I’m the sexier twin.”

“ Please, you look like Billy from Stranger Things.”

“Do you know how many people want to fuck Billy?” Remus asked.

“No one with taste. ”

Lilly laughed. “Speaking of fucking, where’s your hot new loverboy?”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Loverboy?”

“He’s not here yet?”

“You two are the first.”

“Thank God.” Roman pushed past Remus and went inside the house, going straight for the kitchen. “Lilly, girl, bestie, help.”

“You are the epitome of confidence, Roman,” she deadpanned. 

“This epitome needs a fucking drink if I’m going to get through this.”

“Roman, are you sure you’re up for this?” Remus asked.

“Yes,” he and Lilly said in unison. 

Lilly took two bottles out of the fridge and simultaneously poured them into the same red plastic cup. She wrote Roman’s initials on it in gold Sharpie and handed it over. 

Roman took a swig and squeezed every muscle in his face to get through the burn. “Lilly, this thing is more bitter than you are.”

She rolled her eyes. “Cranberry vodka lemonade.”

“Oh great. Because alcohol doesn’t stink enough. Let’s put the two most bitter fruits imaginable in it.”

“The two most bitter fruits are standing in front of me right now.”

He took another big sip. “I hate you so much.”

“Yeah, yeah, maybe we can get your new fling to fuck that stick out of your ass.”

“I’m going to need a drink just to get through this conversation,” Remus said. 

“Which fruit juice do you want spiked?”

“Just get me a beer.”

“Boring,” Lilly said as Roman said, “Gross.”

Roman took the last long swig of his drink and hit the empty cup onto the counter, the plastic crumpled under the weight. “Another,” he said. “I refuse to be sober until the plan is in action.”

Girls and their curls and their gourmet vomit

The party was loud once the sun had gone down. The colorful lights of Lilly’s various themed party lights and mini Christmas lights danced across the walls. Roman was sitting on a corduroy couch in the corner of the room with Remy and Emile next to him. And he was sobering up faster than he would have liked. 

“Hey, sexy bitches,” Lilly yelled, making her way into their corner with two cups in her hand. She handed one to Roman. “Emile, right? Listen, listen, I need your help. You’re like, super tall-”

Remy laughed. 

“-and I need help getting something off a shelf. You up for it?”

“I can help,” Remy offered. “I’m taller than Em anyway.”

Lilly frowned. “No, no, you have short king energy.” She made grabby hands toward Emile.

“I, uh, I’ll catch you guys later,” Emile said. Despite being at a party, he still wore a brown cardigan and had the exact vibe of a well-loved teddy bear. This vibe was only enhanced by Lilly running her hands over his arm and leaning her cheek on his shoulder as she led him out of view. Roman didn’t know if that was part of the plan or if she was just that tipsy. 

He took a sip of his drink, some fruity concoction that didn’t taste alcoholic, but the buzz that went straight to his head said otherwise. He didn’t have time to worry about how sober Lilly was. He needed to make sure that for the next twenty minutes, he wasn’t.  

“Your friend seems nice,” Remy said.

Roman snorted. “When she wants to be.”

“Is conditionally nice your type?” 

“I’m not going to fuck Lilly,” Roman said. “Even if she had a hot twin brother. Or was a guy.” He shook his head and took another sip. “Not going to happen.”

Remy laughed. “My bad. I just meant for friends. I can be a callous bitch too, you know.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Not out loud,” he corrected. 

Roman frowned. “I don’t think you’re a bitch.”

“Well... that’s nice. Makes someone, I guess.” He smiled softly. If one only looked at his mouth, they’d think him happy. But Roman watched his eyes. His gaze was a million miles away. 

Roman took his hand and leaned in close, his nose brushed against Remy’s cheek. “Do you wanna do something stupid?”

Remy raised an eyebrow. “How stupid?”

Roman only smiled. 

Boys and their toys and their six-inch rockets 

Lilly was right, in a way. 

Roman wasn’t thinking about the breakup when Remy’s mouth was pressed against his. He wasn’t hating himself when his fingers were tracing the muscles in Remy’s back.

He wasn’t thinking about anything then. 

We’re all very lovely, ‘til we get to know each other

He woke up on Lilly’s couch with a headache and some sore muscles from being very active in a very small closet. 

Remy was nowhere to be seen.

As he sat up, a pain ran across his neck and over his head. He groaned, which elicited more groans from the many hungover strangers on the floor. Other friends of Lilly’s. It was strange to imagine her having an entire social life without him. Especially after…

An alarm pulled him from his thoughts and made the pissed crowd even more pissed off . People fumbled around to find the evil beeping device. Roman awkwardly pulled himself off the couch and stepped around them all, making his way towards the kitchen. As he crept with his bare feet ( Where did I leave those shoes? ) against the cold tile, he could see a door down the hallway that sat wide open, and Emile was sleeping on the bed. Roman frowned, trying to pull himself back to the coffee pot but finding it hard to move. What happened last night?

He didn’t remember moving to actually get a cup of coffee. He didn’t remember dialing Remus to pick him up. He didn’t remember to find his shoes before pulling himself into that beat-up green Jeep. He just stared out the window idly, his mind stuck on the image of Emile laying on the bed in Lilly’s room. 

As we stop becoming friends

One thing Roman wanted was a dorm. He loved watching dorm tours and looking at tiny room decor on Pinterest. No matter how much Remus insisted redecorating his bedroom was a “waste of time” and “a massive waste of time”, Roman was still determined to make his second year at Western feel like a fresh start. His hair dye was starting to fade, and God knew he needed a do-over. 

His scalp was tingling under the dye and his arms were sore from moving around furniture. But it almost looked like his grand vision. Almost. 

“Why the fuck do you have a bag on your head?”

“Why the fuck do you always bother me?” 

Remus shrugged. His bangs were wrapped in tinfoil. “Twintuition, I guess.”

“Okay, first of all, twintuition sounds stupid as fuck. Second of all, you have no room to judge Wal-Mart Couture.”

Remus rolled his eyes but stepped on his tippy toes to see over Roman’s shoulder. “Holy fucking shit dick, you moved a lot of junk around.”

“Eloquent as always.”

“How much time have you spent on interior design TikTok.”

“None.”

Remus raised an eyebrow and stared right at Roman.

 He couldn’t stand seeing Remus look so tired of him.

Roman looked at the ground sheepishly. “I’ve been on Interior Design YouTube.”

“Of course, you were.” He sat his hands on his hips and said, “You should at least make your skills... useful. ”

Roman made a gasp of offense and gestured to the newly decorated room behind him.

Remus, once again, rolled his eyes. “I meant Emile. He’s moving soon, I figured you’d like to help him.”

“I didn’t know he was moving,” Roman said with furrowed brows.

Remus’s eyes went wide. “Maybe... that was for a reason. Fuck.”

“A reason?” Roman asked. His cheeks were burning but his blood ran cold. 

“Forget I said anything,” Remus said, uncharacteristically quiet. He walked away. 

And we start becoming lovers 

It was two days before he heard from anyone. Two. Quiet. Mindnumbing. Days. But when he finally got a text from Remy he was ready to throw caution to the wind just for the chance to talk to someone. He was out of the house before he’d even had time to panic about whether or not his outfit was right. 

They were meeting at a park just between their neighborhoods. It had a castle fit for the mightiest of knights and a blue sky where it never rained and sunlight that never burned, the home to a myriad of childhood adventures. Roman drove with his childhood self buckled into the backseat and ready to run. 

Dark grey clouds stood in battle formation at the edge of the sky as he pulled into the parking lot. When Roman turned off the ignition of his car, he stood 19 years old and all alone. The sound of his locking car dominated the empty space. He walked along the stained sidewalk that was only distinguishable from the dirt path due to all the scars filled with dandelions and every other flower that grows in the neglect of childhood innocence. He plucked a dandelion from the ground and put it in his pocket. The Castle of Kings was now just old plastic warped into something reminiscent of a house. It was smaller. It must have been smaller because Roman didn’t dare speak the alternative. 

Remy was moving half-heartedly on a rusty old swing. They were not the children they used to be. The ghosts of the past could not imagine the concrete of the future-- stained with dandelion scars. Roman took a seat on the swing next to Remy, who seemed to be lost in thought, and for a moment he did nothing but quietly observe. Remy’s sunglasses were gone, allowing the curl of his long lashes and the sharp corners of his eyes to meet the spotlight. They were close enough to touch, but Roman didn’t dare. He feared everything around him was but a dream and that the one real tie would collapse like sand if he dared disturb it. 

Remy took a deep breath. He met Roman’s eyes. “Your friend knows how to throw one hell of a party, huh?”

He laughed, though nothing was funny. “You could say that. She’s always been the... wilder of the two of us.”

“I don’t know. You and I had a pretty wild time in her closet.”

This time, it was funny. 

But Remy took a breath. “But I did want to ask you about it.” And it seemed that even the wind hid inside his lungs. 

“What... is there to ask?”

Remy reached out, tenderly laying his fingers over Roman’s hand. “Are you sure you’re... ready? I mean, if that was a one-time thing, I get it. But, if it wasn’t, are you ready for a relationship?”

“No,” Roman said, “but I... don’t want that to be a one-time thing, either.”

“So, what do you want?”

Roman’s heart beat like a drummer leading troops into battle. “To kiss you again.”

The metal chains of the swing made music to the beat of Roman’s heart and the accompaniment of thunder rolling. Remy pulled himself, still sitting on the swing, closer to Roman. He held onto the chains above Roman’s head and pulled him closer, letting their lips meet and fighting the natural positions of the swings that one misstep would pull them back to. Roman put his hands on Remy’s waist and held on as tightly as he could. Raindrops fell on his skin as Remy’s tongue traced over his lips. The rain came down hard and fast and Roman leaned in to kiss Remy harder but the plastic swing had grown slick and they both fell to the ground, Remy’s hands on the dirt on either side of Roman’s face. 

Now, this is a view I could get used to, Roman thought, followed by, Fuck, that hurt.

“Are you okay?” Remy asked.

“That depends. Are you going to kiss it better?”

Remy laughed. Their mouths met again. 

And I don’t belong to anyone

They weren’t in a relationship. Not really. But that was irrelevant when they were in each other’s arms, in bed sheets, in nothing but pure escapism. They still had their platonic rendezvous for coffee or thrifted clothes, and moments with friends where everyone sat none the wiser to what happened behind closed doors. For once Roman wasn’t being shown off as he’d once dreamed of being. For once, Roman was happy. 

I’m only happy when I’m on the run

First day of classes. There was something in the air. Hope? Opportunity? Whatever it was, Roman wanted to breathe it in and keep it trapped within his lungs. But instead, he replaced it with a spray of cologne over his clothes, hoping the scent of an ocean breeze would be substitute enough for optimism. He reviewed his outfit again and again. A red polo with beige chinos and a gold chain in place of a belt. He hoped the bright red of his hair wasn’t too much, but also knew he didn’t exactly have time to dye it back to brown. So he took a breath, grabbed his bag (adorned with Disney pins and a shiny gold crown that read “He/Him/His”) and accepted his fate. 

He grabbed breakfast downstairs and led the march to his car, with Remus and Virgil (who had spent the night) following suit. 

I break a million hearts just for fun

They pulled into the parking lot of an apartment complex a block away from campus. Remy’s car pulled in right next to them and everyone celebrated the brief reunion. 

“Where’s Patton?” Virgil asked. “I thought he was supposed to ride with you.”

Remy shrugged. “All he told me was that he got a ride from someone else. I guess that someone didn’t hear about our plan to, you know, celebrate Patton.”

“Celebrating freshmen is overrated anyway,” Remus said. “I’m sure Patton just wants to pretend he’s a been-through-the-mud like the rest of us.”

Virgil furrowed his brow, obviously unhappy with the answer. “Do you think it’s because of the gap year?”

“You mean the one his parents killed?” Remus scoffed. “Can’t imagine it’s related at all.”

A knot twisted itself in Roman’s stomach. He wasn’t sure if it was the reminder of the group history he’d missed out on, or the scowl on Remus’s face that made every part of Roman’s brain scream “DANGER”. He shoved his hands in his pockets and said, “Let’s just find Emile’s place, alright?”

Remy laughed. “Yeah, let’s bring him into this shit show.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, but said nothing. And the group ventured forwards. 

I don’t belong to anyone

Stepping into the apartment, Roman saw exactly what one would expect from a man like Emile. The kitchenette had Disney themed plates and appliances wrapped in prints from various cartoons. The oven mitts bore the faces of the stepsisters from Cinderella and magnets covered the door of the refrigerator. The little couch he had was more decorative pillow than seat and random blankets with lots of colors and designs he couldn’t make out were haphazardly strewn about the place. 

“Killer place, Em,” Virgil said.

“You think?” Emile asked with a smile.

Remy put a hand on his shoulder and said, “This is about the most Emile Picani thing I’ve ever seen.”

“It gets even more Emile Picani,” said Emile Picani. He opened up a door which revealed his bedroom: a small place filled with stuffed animals and covered with posters along the walls. He had a window where an array of small potted plants sat in a line on the sill. Some were in pots shaped like Pokémon or other cartoon characters, while others were in terracotta pots that had been painted with an amount of detail that must have taken hours of work and more attention than Roman had ever held in his life. 

“You were right,” Virgil said. “This did get a lot more Emile Picani.”

Emile smiled proudly. 

“Should we head off to class?” Roman asked.

Virgil groaned dramatically. “How dare you suggest we go to class on the first day of classes? I want this summer to last forever.”

“I don’t,” Roman murmured under his breath. 

I guess you could say that my life’s a mess

But I’m still lookin’ pretty in this dress

With bags slung over their shoulders, the group walked to campus like an image right out of a movie. They looked cool, intimidating, with the wind blowing perfectly through their hair. At least, that was how Roman envisioned it. Perfect. Theatrical. The opening credits rolling in every window they passed. The start of his story- where nothing before it mattered. 

“You know... I can’t help but worry about Patton,” Emile confessed.

“Patton’s smart. He’s not going to have any problem with college classes,” Virgil said.

Emile furrowed his brow. “That’s not... what I meant. I don’t like that he bailed on us without saying anything.”

“Then bail him back,” Remus said. “I don’t have time for anyone who breaks those kinds of promises.”

“That seems... intense,” Emile said. “Come on, can we at least check the campus coffee shop for him?”

Remus sighed. “Fine. You get five minutes, then I’m gone.”

Emile gave a smile, but Roman could see the fear behind it. No one liked Remus being angry. 

At least the coffee shop wasn’t too far away. Though the silence that hung over the group the rest of the way there turned the short walk into a long and treacherous journey. The silence wasn’t even the worst of it. 

They entered the coffee shop with its dusty lamps and stained couches and the smell of burnt espresso that always felt like home. But there were two figures, wrapped up in each other on one of those old couches. A familiar birthmark and a snake tattoo on an arm that wrapped around a younger figure. With faded blue bangs. 

Roman swore he was going to be sick.

“I... guess we found him,” Emile said quietly.

Janus slowly pulled away from Patton and glanced at the group with a smirk. He held eye contact with Roman, clearly attempting some sort of mind control.

Roman froze. The spell was working. 

“Long time no see, friends,” Janus drawled. 

“Hey guys,” Patton said quietly, his cheeks flushed red and his lips swollen. 

Roman was going to cry.

No, he refused to cry. He refused to give Janus any sort of satisfaction. 

He turned his gaze back towards the group. He could pretend to have not even noticed Janus. Better yet, he could have pretended that he did notice Janus but that seeing his ex make out with someone he wanted to call a friend was so minimal that it didn’t even warrant mention. “Remy,” he said, “hurry up and order your coffee. We’re going to be late to astronomy.”

Remy took a sharp breath. “Astronomy. Right.” He headed for the counter and the (confused) trio followed him. 

Roman took his hand, squeezing it tightly, hoping that Janus saw. Hoping that he might be able to withstand his mind falling apart like sand so long as Remy didn’t do the same. 

“Are you alright?” Remy whispered.

“Of course I am.”

I’m the master of deception

If you asked Roman what happened that day in his classes, he couldn’t tell you. 

The attendance records would show that he was there. His professors would tell you that he answered every question they asked of him. 

But Roman could only remember anger. Anger at himself. And a continuous mourning of who he could have been. 

When everything is life and death

You may feel like there’s nothing left

Roman didn’t sleep well that night. 

All he saw was Janus. In his dreams. In the halls. In his nightmares.

Roman didn’t sleep well at all. 

Instead of love and trust and laughter

His parents were going out of town for the weekend. And he no longer cared about civility towards his neighbors. 

What you get is happy never after. 

He was already drunk before the party began. He could remember sobering up, surrounded by lights and sounds and people, and he could remember the crushing anxiety in the back of his mind yelling at him for all that had gone wrong. He took a couple shots. That shut the voice right up. 

Friends of Lilly’s danced around him. Strangers in the intimate space of his home. A girl was dancing with him, flowers in her dark braids and sangria in her cup. Roman didn’t even have sangria in the house. He didn’t question where she got it from. 

The night flowed from bottle to cup to lips. It rushed by in drunk kisses between friends. All Roman cared about was the bliss of dancing wildly and the happy buzz in his brain. A warm hand grabbed his shoulder and pulled him away from the heart of the party. He whined in protest and frowned until he saw the black eyes and midnight blue hair. 

He laughed. “Remy, you’re very fun but I’m not in the mood for ‘privacy’ right now.”

Remy handed him a water bottle. “Roman, you need a break. Drink this.” Remus, Virgil, and Emile were standing behind him. 

He groaned. “I’m fine , Rem. I’m having fun.”

“ Roman,” he said sharply. 

The playlist changed and played something with a fast tempo, heavy on the guitar and beating drums through Roman’s skull. He laughed. “I’m not Roman anymore. Roman is dull.” He jumped onto the couch, landing between two boys who seemed unhappy to have their make out session interrupted. “I’m Electra Heart, BABY!” He screamed and the crowd around him cheered loudly. 

“You’re a dumbass,” Remy said. “Come on, party’s over.”

The drunken crowd booed. 

Remus raised an airhorn over his head and announced, “If this house isn’t empty in twenty minutes, we’re calling the cops.”

They booed again. 

He held down the horn and Roman grabbed onto his ears in pain. Before he could even figure out if the horn had blown out his hearing, people were making their way out of the house. 

“I hate you,” he said to Remus. “You’re the worst brother in the world.”

“Roman,” Remy said, holding the bottle out again, “please just drink some water.”

“And why should I?”

“Because you’ll hate yourself when you’re hungover.”

He gave a sharp laugh. “You mean like how I’ll hate myself sober?” He went to take another sip of his drink when Remy’s fingers closed around his wrist, holding his hand in place.

“Don’t do this, Roman.”

“Or what?” he whispered. 

With Remy still holding Roman’s hand in place, Virgil took away the cup. Roman glared at him. 

Emile spoke up, “Roman, this isn’t healthy behavior.”

“Who- fucking- cares?” he spat. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter telling me what to do.”

He took a sharp breath. “Your actions say otherwise.”

“Go fuck yourself, Rat.”

Emile stared at him and the rest of the world melted away. He straightened his shoulders, let out a short breath, and walked out of the house. 

Roman doesn’t remember the rest of that night.

But deep down all you want is love,

He woke up on the couch with a sharp pain in his neck and some medieval torture device tightening around his skull. He pressed his palms against his eyes, but the pressure only gave minimal relief. He ran his fingers through his hair and a surge of light entered the room. He screamed out and squeezed his eyes tightly. 

He heard someone sigh and say quietly, “Get up, Roman.” It was Remus. And he sounded so disappointed. 

Roman groaned. “Get me water.”

“No.”

“No?!” Roman started to sit up but the pain in his head intensified and he lost all ability to think. “Why no?”

Remus spoke calmly- too calmly- and said, “You can take care of yourself, can’t you?”

“You’re a dick.”

“Don’t treat me like a mirror, Roman.”

The pure kind we all dream of

Lilly sat down in front of him, effectively ruining his private moment of peace and quiet. “You look like shit,” she said. 

He couldn’t deny it. He’d barely slept in days and hadn’t even mustered the energy to shower. There was a pile of schoolwork in front of him- more of it overdue and unstarted than he wanted to admit. “Apparently once you fuck yourself over, it’s very hard to unfuck yourself.”

“You could always sell your soul in exchange for getting your virginity back. That would unfuck you.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Very helpful, Lilly.”

“Speaking of getting fucked,” she started. 

Roman didn’t know if he wanted to kill her or himself. 

“How are things going with your lover boy friend?”

“I... think I messed that up, too. I don’t know.” He let his head fall into his hands, his palms pressed against his eyes. “I think I need to start over.”

“With Remy?”

“With life. At least, the past year of it.”

“Well, you could always start over and have someone else as a distraction,” she suggested. “Just not that Soft Boy friend of yours.” 

“Emile?” Roman asked, looking up at Lilly and furrowing his brows. 

“Yeah, figured we’d have a little fun while I had to keep him distracted,” she confessed, “but he said he had... something going on with someone. Denied they were dating, but still told me he didn’t want to feel like he was cheating.”

“I guess I really don’t know Emile,” Roman mumbled to himself. “Who do you think it is?”

She shrugged. “You’d know better than I would.”

Roman silently went back to his work. I don’t think I know anything anymore.

But we cannot escape the past

So you and I will never last

The doorbell echoed before Roman could even make the decision to press it. Better that way , he told himself. He wouldn’t be pathetic. He needed to fight the urge to run. 

The door opened and he swallowed the lump in his throat, ready to word vomit to Remy. But he wasn’t the one behind the door. 

“Um, hi Mrs. Cho,” he said.

She laughed. She was a tall woman with her black hair pinned behind her ears and dangling earrings that matched the shiny black dress she wore. Anyone would assume she was on her way to a night out. Roman knew she was just dressed to watch soap operas or whatever it was that moms did when their sons weren’t home. “Hello, Mr. Barnes. I’ve told you that you can call me Seline.”

Roman squeezed his hands at his side. “I don’t think that’s physically possible, Mrs. Cho. Is Remy around?”

“He’s up in his room,” she said. “Should I tell him to come down?”

“Is it alright if I go up? I need to talk to him and I’d rather not inconvenience him.” More than I already have.  

She stepped back and gestured for him to come inside. He quietly thanked her and hurried up to Remy’s room upstairs- the blue door marked with construction paper stars. He opened the door slowly. At the rate his life was going, he didn’t think his heart would ever stop racing. 

Remy was sitting at his desk with a large pair of headphones that he took off when the door opened. When he saw Roman, time must have frozen.

Roman opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t find a single word. He walked forward and closed the door behind him. He kneeled on the ground in front of Remy, both his knees pressing into the old carpet. 

Remy’s eyebrows were furrowed.

He doesn’t want you here, a voice told him. He hates you now. You’re ruining things even more. You’re pathetic. He choked on the apology trying to rush from his throat all at once. “I’m- Remy, I’m so sorry.”

Remy folded his hands on his lap and stared down at Roman, trying to be expressionless. But despite his best efforts, the concern in his eyes said more than any word ever could. “What are you sorry for, Electra Heart?”

Roman cringed. “For being a drunken idiot. And an arrogant asshole.” He forced a laugh. “And the terrible hangover I got because of it.”

“You deserved that hangover.”

“I did. I really did.” 

‘Cause I’m a homewrecker, homewrecker

“But I had time to realize that... I should have let you take care of me,” he said. His eyes began to burn. “I shouldn’t have pushed away your concern for me- or anyone else’s. Remus made it incredibly clear that no one wanted a thing to do with me after that night.”

(I’m only happy when I’m on the run)

“A- And I get it! I wouldn’t want a thing to do with me either, but- fuck- Remy, you mean so much to me and even if you never talk to me again, I’m not just here to fuck and- okay, I’ll admit it- you are a good kisser, but more importantly you’re my friend and-” Tears were coming out faster than words and he pushed so hard through the sobs blocking his airways. He could barely breathe but that didn’t matter. He’d rather die on Remy’s old carpet than spend the rest of his life being fucked up and alone. 

‘Cause I’m a homewrecker, homewrecker

“Roman,” Remy said sharply.

Roman covered his mouth with his hands and tried to muffle his labored breathing. 

(I broke a million hearts just for fun)

There was a gentle kiss against his forehead and a rush of warmth as two arms wrapped around him. His cheek was pressed against Remy’s chest. He couldn’t stop shaking as his struggle to breath took over his whole body. Remy rocked him back and forth. 

“No one is going to leave you,” Remy said softly. “Remus was just being a dick as always. He’s been... pissed off. At other people. And I won’t pretend you didn’t hurt us, but I also won’t pretend not to know why.”

Roman tried to speak. He tasted the salt of his tears rolling against his lips. 

“Things will be okay, Roman.” 

Roman’s sobs quieted down and Remy continued to gently rock him back and forth. 

“I promise.”

Homewrecker

Homewrecker

[sign-from-god-complex]

akgdjscjdhc, lia, this is so cute, oh my god 😆

Roman: hi, 911? I’d like to report a crime

Roman: it’s my boyfriend. He stole my heart

911 operator: I told you to stop calling this number

[queer-goddess-of-the-hunt]

Sanders Sides Playlists [Masterlist]

Here’s a masterlist of all the sanders sides playlists I made! Enjoy!

Character Playlists:

Logan

Patton

Roman

Remus

Deceit

Virgil

Remy

Ship Playlists:

Logicality

Logince

Intrulogical

Loceit

Analogical

Royality

Moceit

Moxiety

Roceit

Prinxiety

Creativisleep

Demus

Anxceit

Sleepxiety

Bonus Playlists:

Magic!Virgil AU

[just-call-me-the-intrusive-thot]

Familial Remus, Remy, and Roman?

“Family”

Pairings: Familial Remy and Creativitwins, Hinted Romantic Remile, Platonic/ Crushing Dukeceit (passing mention)

TWs: Swearing, Bug Mention, Remus being Remus

(You didn’t give a word to work with so I just went with family, hope thats okay!)

--

“My head huuuuurts.”

Remy looked up from his chemistry homework, over the kitchen island at his younger brother - affectionately dubbed Twin Terror Number One - sat upside down on the sofa and silently wondered why his parents thought they could replicate perfection a second time.

“Yeah, that's your brain trying to like, comprehend its own stupidity, kid.”

Roman let out a gasp of offense that Remy promptly ignored in favour of heeding the beck and call of the coffee machine as it’s sweet siren song coaxed the older teen toward the lifegiving caffeine he thrived on. Emile would be over in half an hour for a ‘study session’, and the last thing Remy wanted was to waste time with actual studying. 

He put his cup to the side and hauled open the fridge, expecting to scoop up some ice. What he did not expect was to come face to face with Remus’ latest science experiment.

“... REMUS!”, Remy snapped, “Get your ass down here, like, right fucking NOW.”

Twin Terror Number Two came tumbling down the stairs so violently, had Remy not been used to his shit by now, he’d have been convinced Remus had given himself at least some modicum of brain damage. 

Seriously, why did his parents not just stop at one child?

“Can you like, tell me what the fuck was going through that probably concussed skull of yours when you did this?”

Waiting for Remus to come stand by the open freezer, Remy gestured to the clear popsicle mold filled with fruit juice and an array of various bugs.

The demented eleven year old grinned, “Those’re my bugsicles! I-!”

“Thanks!! I hate it!! Get them out of the freezer, trashrat.”

“Mom said you’re not allowed to call me that anymore!”, Remus snarked. Remy narrowed his eyes over his sunglasses, “And mom said you’re not allowed to go on LiveLeak on the family computer, but like, we both know you haven’t listened to that OR learned to close a tab so.”

Rolling his eyes, Remus crossed his arms, “Whatever! I’m not moving them!”

Having had enough of making himself light headed, Roman came over to peer over the kitchen island at his twin and their older brother who looked mere inches away from putting the two of them on the next rocket to Mars, “Why do you want bugsicles anyway!? That’s not gonna taste good, Re, they’re bugs!!”

Remus snorted, “People in other countries eat bugs all the time, you uncultured bitch.”, he ignored Roman’s offended squeak as well as Remy’s poorly stifled snort, and continued, “Besides, I’m gonna dip em in laxative chocolate and hand ‘em out to those kids that called Jan-jan ugly yesterday. I might’ve stopped at the bugs if they hadn’t brought his eczema into it too.”

His twin grimaced, “That’s horrible,”, though his frown quickly turned into a mischievous grin, “I want in.”

….Okay, maybe sometimes little brothers could be fun.

--

I love these utter gremlins. I almost wrote smth more angsty but this took precident and I’m glad.

@i-cant-find-a-good-username thanks for this one, I love these three!

Taglist: @somehow-i-got-an-account   @cateye-glasses   @fandomsofrandom @patton-cake @does-this-look-logicality-to-you @justalittlecorrupted @irritating-lady-knight @katlikethesword

[givemeureyes]

a reminder that loooveeee to rp Sanders sides

roceit? yes absolutely

logince? yes 100%

rosleep {Remy x Roman}? of course

Roman angst? that's my shit!

u!Virgil and u! Patton? even better (but it absolutely does not have to be incorporated if it makes you uncomfortable)

have I made these posts a thousand times? yes but I'm looking for new role-play partners

message me if you're interested!!! please!!!

[tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors]

📕📗📘📕📔📓📒📙

You don't need to tell that many I just liked all the versions

a creativisleep fake dating au that features Remy roping his roommate Roman into pretending to be engaged so they can get free cake samples except they run into Roman's coworker Patton at the bakery and can't break character so Patton walks away thinking Roman's engaged

nbd, right? Roman can just clear it up the next time he sees him. Patton will be disappointed by the lying but it'll be fine

except Patton sees Remus next before he sees Roman, and says smth to the effect of "i didnt know your brother was engaged, remy seems nice :D" and Remus, who knows damn well Roman has been pining for Remy for years and also knows this is bullshit and also knows he has ONE CHANCE to sell this proceeds to dig Remy and Roman a hole so deep its approaching fucking BEDROCK

and then Patton and Remus tell. absolutely. everyone

so now Remy and Roman have to pretend to be engaged while trying to figure out how to fake-break up so they dont have to go through with the LITERAL WEDDING that is quickly getting planned around them except theyre both madly in love with each other and would really not be all that fussed if they did

[tulipanthousa]

tell us about the unwritten au 👀

okay, full disclosure, this will never be written. i have no intention of ever doing so. if someone else is willing to take a crack at it be my guest but this would be too much for me to handle

so, here it is

Content Warnings: angst, RAPE (<- read this. the dove is dead. do not pass go do not collect $200. youve been warned) both directly and via proxy, and other kinds of sexual coercion

LAOFT RELAMP but at what cost

In main story laoft, durant does not see roman and remy's dalliances as important or a threat to him/his control over roman.

in this story. he does

in an agonizing display of cruelty, he kidnaps remy and presents him to night roman as a gift.

its a terrible position - roman cant reject the gift and risk durants anger, which will end in disaster for both him and remy... but niether can he accept it and walk back into his day life with the knowledge that remy will remain here, trapped, alone with durant, and impossibly far away from anything roman can do to protect him

Roman takes the only path he can find - feign gratefulness so deep that he no longer had need of his day left, and giving it up. because at least if theyre both trapped remy's not alone.

Remy and Roman disappear the same night, stolen from their beds without a sound or a trace left behind.

In wickhills, Logan is incandescent with fury and patton cries so miserably the woods and hills around his house are bone-dead silent. not even the birds want to sing in his presence.

May sits alone in her house, the door locked, refusing to answer for anyone.

The Adams' put up posters across all of southeast ohio knowing nobody is going to call

And emile watches them all and churns with guilt because he didnt know remy, not really, so why does he think he has a right to be this sad?

Back in faerieland, things escalate in a bad way very quickly. Durant coerces Roman and Remy into increasingly intense sexual scenarios for his entertainment.

in the midst of this, having only one other person you can rely on or trust can, coupled with the rapid increase in intimacy, cross the wires a bit, and wwhoops, Remy and roman are in love now

Remy: or whatever passes for love in this shitshow Roman: you dont get to tell me i dont really love you Remy, crying: ok

and tbh, all of this is more of just context for what im ACTUALLY interested which is

they get out. now what?

Because in the meantime, Emile has reached out to patton, we still have LAMP and remile, and now we have pair-of-cats-that-cant-be-separated creativisleep

Logan: you thought canon logan had anger issues? ha. ha i say. this logan would kill a man sooner than let them make roman or remy even slightly uncomfortable. he'll snarled at his own mother if she gets too close. he'll snarl at thomas, though he'll feel bad about both. this is actually! not great! because logan tried to guard from the outside looks a lot like Guards Keeping Us Inside to remy and roman, so they have to figure out how to navigate logans nuclear reactor protectiveness vs it wigging roman and remy out.

Virgil: Virgil waking up is the catalyst for them getting free, and in the midst of his horror falls in QP love at first sight with remy, who was so brave and so strong and kept roman safe when virgil couldnt.

Remy: i dont know if 'safe' is even slihtly accurate Virgil: the safety of his heart and mind are of equal importance to me as his body. you have cherished both, and you can have anything you ask for as long as i live Remy: [gay fluster noises]

Patton keeps determinedly dragging emile to mays house (where they are holed up for close access to dizzy and jax) even though Emile feels like he's intruding

Patton, constantly on the verge of tears: I almost lost Roman and i've decided im in love with all of you and i CATEGORICALLY refuse to lose anyone else Emile: um Patton: RE. FUSE.

so pattons HOPE is that they all wind up in a big polycule pile, and its doesnt... not do that, but its not quite as clearcut as all that.

Theres stumbling blocks at the beginning withboth remy and roman wavering on whether or not their romantic feelings are genuine, and subsequently wondering if the fact that theeyre still in love with Emile and LAM respectively means that they arent.

this would go through some oscillations of both of them trying to deny those feelings to "prove" their love for each other, vs trying to push the other away so they can go be with p[eople they "really love"

do! not! separate them!

in my head this ends with romantic LAMP, Romantic Remile, Romantic Patmile, and QPR losleep and sleepxiety - everybody else is friends and cuddle buddies

Remy is actually super comforted by the fact that Patton is in love with him/attracted to him but never asks for more than friendship because he knows remy isnt. Metamour besties.

Dizzy suffers a lot from this ordeal (she hid from durant and subsequently roman, knowing if he found her as romans familiar it would be catastrophic) so their bond is.... stretched, lets say. overtaxed. she's a little sicklier. a little smaller, a little more timid. hides in remy or virgils jackets frequently

All of which is to say that this is a fraught extended metaphor that sometimes trauma changes you, and it changes your relationships, and it changes the way you feel attraction, and all of that is okay. it doesnt make those feelings or relationships less real or loving or valid.

anyway this is my monster. im not going to write it (please dont ask) but some people have expressed that they were glad i still shared it, so have some bite sized angst

[notveryglittery]

@sleepless-in-starbucks: Me: Damn I wish I had an excuse to write creativisleepality :/ Me: Sees your post Me: Forget excuse I have an OBLIGATION to write qpr creativisleepality with insecure!Roman because like. I’m a predictable shit. Also just a heads up my wifi’s been crap all evening so like. If this arrives late. Blame my damn connection for being sunshine-phobic

(Warnings for aphobia, insecurity, all that fun stuff. happy ending tho because y'all know me)

dani: Y’ALL I’M GONNA NEED YOU TO PAUSE WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING AND READ THIS RIGHT NOW. lia is a blessing, an absolute delight and joy and i love her with my whole entire heart!!!! this made me very happy and relieved and yeah it’s just really really good 

Roman was finding the urge to slam his head into the wall a very difficult one to resist. It had been what felt like the longest day of his life, brimming with an overly critical director, some sneering possible cast members who had mocked his make-up, and particular idiot who Roman had thought was going to be the one spot of light in his day until… that happened.

Roman gave up and let his head hit the wall once, leaving it to lay there when the thought of Patton seeing him like this managed to stop him from continuing the process until the wall had a good hole in it. Remy would probably be upset, too, of course, but Patton would most likely cry, and Roman would sooner fall into an ocean of fire than hurt either of his loves.

“I mean… can you even call them loves?”

Roman curled one of his hands into a fist at the fragment of a memory. He could, damnit, screw Anton and his stupid face and his stupid words and his stupid, stupid reasoning…

“…Babe?”

Roman jerked out of his thoughts, realizing that Remy had come up to him, his Starbucks-barista-turned-partner frowning at him in worry.

“Yes, my darling?” Roman asked, pushing himself off the wall, trying to maintain his image.

“Are you alright?” Remy said, a perfectly reasonable question given Roman had been lying against the wall for five minutes, seemingly completely unaware of Remy’s presence next to him for a good minute of that time.

Roman plastered on a smile, hoping it looked even semi-convincing. “Of course! Why ever would you even have to ask?”

Remy reached forward, still frowning as he pushed Roman’s bangs behind his ear. Roman instinctively leaned into the touch, trying to not look pitiful while he did so.

“Honey,” Remy said, softly, and Roman really must be failing at this whole acting thing if Remy’s sounding that worried, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Roman assured. “I’m fine.”

Remy didn’t respond for a moment, continuing to frown at Roman until he wanted to squirm away. Finally, after what felt like an eternity to Roman, Remy moved forward, his free arm wrapping around Roman’s waist, the hand he had on Roman’s cheek slipping behind his head and tangling itself in Roman’s hair. Roman froze for a second, the surprise hug startling him, especially from Remy. He was generally pulled into hugs and cuddle piles by excessive grabby hands and whined complainants from Roman and Patton.

Recovering from the surprise, Roman couldn’t be bothered to resist the embrace, wrapping his arms around Remy’s waist as he slumped into Remy, burying his head in the crook of Remy’s neck. He took a deep breath. Remy smelled like coffee beans and warm leather and sage and comfort and home.

Remy scratched the back of Roman’s head comfortingly. “Tired?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Long day?”

“Mmmmm.”

“Long day that did not go fine despite all your lies?”

Roman started to hum in agreement again before he realized his mistake, immediately trying to pull away from what he now recognized as a trap hug. Remy’s grip only tightened, however, still too comforting for Roman to truly want to fight it.

“You’re really out of it if you fell for that, sugar.” Remy cooed before yelling over his shoulder, “Patton! Roman had a sucky day and he tried to lie about it!”

Roman didn’t know if he closed his eyes for a moment and missed him, or if his marshmallow boyfriend had simply forgotten to mention that he had teleportation abilities, but one minute Patton wasn’t there and the next he was pressed against Roman’s back, hugging Roman tightly enough he was surprised Remy still had a hold on him, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.

“Baby, we talked about this.” Patton scolded, though his tone was so light Roman was fairly certain he was saying it more because he felt he had to say it than anything.

“I know, I know.” Roman said. “But it’s really nothing, the halves of my heart. Just something stupid someone said-”

“If it’s upsetting you, it’s not nothing.” Patton interrupted him, softly speaking, moving one hand to Roman’s hip so that he could rub circles into the skin. “What did they say?”

Roman opened his mouth to respond, to pass it off as simply as he could, to prove to them it was just some pointless comment he should have disregarded immediately anyways, and heard a sob come out instead, which was doing WONDERS for his image of ‘still wonderfully put together.’ The hand in his hair stilled in surprise, and Patton made a sound of hurt. Their worry only made Roman feel worse, and he couldn’t stop himself before the next words were spilling out, “I’m sorry I don’t love you enough.”

More sounds of pain, this time not just from behind him, but Roman ignored them, pressing his head further into Remy’s shoulder as if that would block out the entire world. He felt more than truly knew they were moving, though he didn’t focus on where or how. At some point his legs got tucked up so that they were resting on something, the warmth around him shifted but never enough so that it was truly gone, somehow ending up so that almost nothing had changed aside from the fact that the amount of effort he had to put into existing was substantially lessened.

That made it a lot easier to cry, hating that he was staining Remy’s shirt but knowing he couldn’t stop even if he tried. The warmth of his boyfriends’ around him didn’t seem to mind, hands gently running across his skin, a mix of soft pet names and quiet shushing sounding around him. Eventually his tears stopped falling, his sobs turning into hiccups that turned into nothing, until all he was doing was holding onto Remy and trying to sink into him and escape the world.

“Sweetie? Sweetheart?” Roman hummed in response to the names that were clearly being directed at him, still refusing to remove his head from the dark, warm safety of his boyfriend’s shoulder.  There was a sigh that sounded caught between amused and concerned. “Please, love, we need to talk.”

Roman groaned and tilted his head, still resting on Remy as he looked over at Patton. They were all cuddled together on the couch, Roman securely held in Remy’s lap and against his chest while Patton remained wrapped around his back, better positioned to look at Roman, his sweet honey eyes laced with worry. Knowing he was the cause of it, Roman almost started crying again, not sure how he could vanquish it but knowing he would do anything to replace it with happiness.

“Hey, shh, it’s alright, you’re not in trouble.” Patton said immediately, cupping Roman’s cheek with one hand, brushing away the beginnings of new tears. “I just- We just want to know- Ro, starlight, why don’t you think you love us enough?”

Roman would have shoved his head back into the crook of Remy’s neck if Patton’s gentle but firm grasp wasn’t stopping him, forcing him to hold eye contact with his partner, half of his entire life, one of two people he’d willingly die for in a heartbeat as he said, as unashamedly as he could, “We’re just partners.” Patton’s brow furrowed even more, and Remy once more tightened his grip around Roman, and it took all his willpower to choke out, “We’re just partners, and not dating, and that’s it, that’s all we are, and you’re both just so wonderful you deserve more, and it’s not fair to you that you’re stuck with me and that, and-”

“Roman, please, please baby, stop!” Patton said, distressed, and Roman shut up. Patton was cupping both his cheeks now, running his thumbs over them repeatedly, as if he wasn’t just trying to comfort Roman but himself as well.

“I’m going to kill 'em. You said someone said this to you?” Remy asked, aggressively, nearly growling when Roman nodded. “Bullshit. It’s bullshit.”

“Language.” Patton said automatically, snapping Remy out of his mood.

Remy sighed, going back to running his fingers through Roman’s hair. “They’re wrong, sweetheart, completely wrong.” He reassured Roman, voice much softer now. “You love us more than enough, whatever they said was just stupid.”

“I- I know you say that, but-” Roman paused, searching for the words. “Kisses, and holding hands in public, and all of that… I can’t- I don’t offer you any of those things, and you deserve them so much, and that’s not fair to either of you.”

Remy chuckled, and the sound echoed through Roman’s chest. “Gurl, I feel like you’re forgetting I’m aro too. I don’t care about any of those things- I just care about you.”

“And we love you.” Patton added. “We love you because you’re an amazing cuddler and you love to sweep us off our feet and you have the most beautiful singing voice in the entire world and because we know you love us so, so much, and the fact that you don’t love us romantically isn’t even close to important.”

“And you love us too, right?” Remy asked.

Roman almost tripped over his words rushing to answer, unwilling to leave a single second empty without his promise, “Of course I do! I just-”

“Than that’s enough.” Remy cut him off, and it was so simple yet so adoring, coupled with the look Patton was giving Roman, like he’d hang the moon for him while Remy pinned up the stars, that every word that jerk had said melted away in an instant, like a million pounds right off his shoulders, leaving him so free and alive that Roman couldn’t help but lunge forwards a bit, twisting himself so that he could wrap his arms around Patton, pulling him backwards so they more or less landed on Remy, all pressed against each other and warm and real and solid beneath his fingers.

“I’m sorry.” He said, and continued on swiftly, before Patton or Remy even had a chance to speak, “I’m so sorry I listened to that bastard. He was an idiot, you’re so right. I’m so sorry. I love you, I love you so much, you mean more to me than any part in any play, than any gem or jewel, my dearhearts, my treasures, my loves.”

Patton giggled, and Roman couldn’t help the smile that suddenly blossomed on his face as Patton pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before just resting his own on Roman’s, whispering happily, “It’s alright, my prince, we know.”

“We know, but I still want to hear it more.” Remy protested, and Roman laughed as he turned his head back towards him, Remy’s dark eyes alive with amusement and glittering with love purer than freshly fallen snow.

“I love you.” Roman obliged him, hugging Patton closer to him even as he still watched Remy, “I love you more than summer sunsets and spring dew and winter frost and autumn colours. I love you more than sugar cookies and hot chocolate and crackling fires and-”

“-and more than the smell of coffee and crisp apples and fuzzy socks and soft pajamas and late night movie marathons and early morning grumbles and a thousand other musings.” Remy took over for him, smiling both smugly and softly as he brushed through Roman’s hair. “I love you all that and a million times more.”

“Cheater.” Roman accused heatlessly. “That’s my move.”

“It’s what you get for loving a dirty thief.”

“Pretty thief.” Patton corrected with his own smile, blindly reaching a hand back that Remy took immediately. “Pretty thief of our hearts.”

“Only after you got mine, cocoa bean.” Remy matched, lazily intertwining his fingers with Patton’s.

Roman reached a hand over as well, grasping around theirs. “You never stole my heart.” He said teasingly. “Considering you are my heart.”

“Your two perfect halves- yes, we are aware.” Remy said exasperatedly, but there was a fondness in his tone Roman knew he couldn’t shake. “You’ve got to come up with some better lines, doll.”

“Says Mr. Twenty-One-Nicknames.” Roman replied.

“You know you love them.”

“Do I know that?” Roman asked, laughing as Remy gasped in faux hurt. Patton laughed, too, shaking their held hands.

“You two are impossible.” He said, cheerily despite the chiding words. “I’m never going to get dinner made at this rate.”

“You’re welcome to go make it now.” Remy invited, though they all knew he wasn’t serious.

That didn’t stop Roman from tangling his legs up in Patton’s, whining, “Noooooooo, you have to stayyyyy.”

“But dinner… if I don’t go make it now I’ll never make it…” Patton trailed off, sounding more interested in staying.

“Then don’t go.” Roman offered, pushing his head up enough to nestle it against Patton’s shoulder, trying to sweeten the pot. “Stay and cuddle me.”

“And why should I prioritize that over dinner?”

“Because I’m still a little sad and I don’t want to let you go.” Roman said, blinking his eyes as sadly as he could for extra effect.

“Plus cuddling tops, like, all things.” Remy pointed out. “And I the remote’s in reach, and I think the Little Mermaid’s still in the player-”

“Cuddling on the couch it is!” Patton decided suddenly, finally releasing his boyfriends’ hands so that he could turn over and burrow into Roman’s chest, loosely hugging Roman as he settled in. Remy laughed as he snagged the remote, flicking on the tv and the corresponding underwater scene.

“And all it took was Disney.” Remy commented in amusement, dropping the remote as he shifted and wrapped his arms around both Roman and Patton. “We are going to get hungry eventually, though.”

“That’s a problem for later.” Patton said, and Roman was quick to agree with him, his arms still holding Patton against him even as he moved his hands to lay over Remy’s. Squished between his boyfriends now, tropical tunes starting up in the background, he couldn’t believe he had given Anton’s words a single moment of his time.

He didn’t need romance to love Patton and Remy- all he needed were eyes and half a brain. 

Roman sighed, feeling more content then he ever had before. “I love you guys.” He said, softly, sweetly, simply.

“Love you too.” They both chorused at once, their care as tangible as their arms around him, and that was all Roman needed to know they loved him just as much as he loved them.

And that would always be enough.

(No editing we die like men- aka sorry if this is bad but like. I tried. Hope it makes you feel even a little bit better :) <3)

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

14 (bodyguard AU) and 46 (blind date) sounds fun,,, your choice of ship ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥

14. Bodyguard AU || 46. Blind date

Random choice generator got me creativisleep!

~

roman's a semi-popular actor- he's never really been to an awards show, and he's not been in That much, but he had a small but strong role in a real popular film and plenty of leading ones in lesser known movies. he's got enough of a following to be satisfied with himself, even if it isn't That huge of one

because of this, roman didn't take the possible dangers of his fame seriously... until he got jumped by one fan at a play in his hometown. he came out fine (he's always fine ;p) but it made him reconsider his choice to not have some sort of protection

he ends up hiring remy to be his bodyguard, a choice he Slightly starts regretting when he realizes remy, despite having excellent marks out of bodyguard school, is about as professional as a golden retriever

they take roman's food out of his fridge Whenever, borrow Way too many of his shirts (and roman hasn't seen his BMC 'boyf riends' hoodie since they got their hands on it), and is never in typical bodyguard wear (they wore a suit for the interview and never again)

but they also bring roman coffee (when did they get his regular figured out...?), talk to him like he's just a Person and not a celeb, and have yet to try and kill him themself so. roman's alright with them staying

(plus, is it so wrong if roman enjoys how they look? he deserves for a bit of an eye-candy sorta bodyguard, damnit, they're with him all the time after all)

remy's been with roman as his bodyguard for a few months when roman decides he cant just keep Lookin at a pretty person, he deserves to have a pretty person to kiss and cuddle with too!! so he pokes around for a bit, finds a non-homophobic service (he's pan, so he could Technically use a plain ol' straight service, but he refuses on gay principle), and uses it

idk how datin apps work but this one that im makin up is a blind match up app, which takes ur information and uses it to randomly pair u up with random accounts. the app keeps account info privated until After the first date has been gone on, to really maintain the 'blind match' aspect. the matched up people play a mini guessing game through the app about places they can go for a date until location and time is determined

roman likes the idea of the app mostly to keep his own identity secret as long as possible- he doesnt want people pickin his account Just bc he's a celeb, y'know?

the first couple of blind dates dont go well tho... most are nice people who roman just isn't compatible with, one was a straight woman who spent the entire date being Very homophobic despite roman's rainbow heart + pan flag pins, and someone who was clearly Too Much Of A Fan (remy had to physically pull them off of roman and help him escape the park before they could latch back on)

oh, did roman not mention? remy's been coming on all his dates with him

because of course they are! they need to protect roman! whether that's by eating dinner in the booth over or sitting two rows back at the cinema or awkwardly half-stalkin roman and his date while they walk about

so they're always there, to bring roman there and take him home, and listen when he complains about the bad matches and lament the almost-winners, and convince him he is a catch that needs to try again because eventually Someone will realize he really is too good to pass up

(remy always says that line in a weird way)

so he keeps trying... until roman has possibly the worst date ever

because he gets stood up. it's fifteen minutes past the scheduled date time, he's gotten no text explainin where they are, but he's sittin at the restaurant alone and starting to become rather upset by the pitying look the server gives him when he says he's still waitin on someone else before he orders

remy slides into the seat across from him at the 20 minute mark. shoots roman an apologetic smile that an outsider would mistake as a 'sorry im late' one when roman knows it's a 'sorry they didnt show' one

roman appreciates the gesture to save him, but he almost just wants to go home at this point. he's tired and bein stood up feels like Shit, actually, and he's about ready to call off the whole dating thing really, dramatic as that may be (like it's not his middle name)

but remy says smth about this place having really good sandwiches, and it's clear they're tryin so hard to help roman out here, even a little, and roman can't just dismiss that effort, so he picks up his menu again and orders smth and tries to ignore the way his face heats up just the slightest at the relieved smile remy flashes next

lunch with remy is great, actually, better than it would've been with whoever couldnt be bothered to show or apologize or Anything. remy even knows the way to an ice cream shop on the way home, sayin it's for roman's 'broken heart' as they pay for it

except, well... roman's heart isn't feelin so broken anymore

it's actually feeling pretty put together. really functional. functioning really fast. especially when roman's looking at remy. or when remy's lookin at roman. or when they smile. or when they laugh. or when they speak. or when they-

roman doesn't fall asleep until 2am that night, heart still racing a bit, screaming into his pillow a bit as he acknowledges he is wholly and totally head-over-heels for his bodyguard

he tells remy the next day he's done with dating for a bit, saying he's still upset over being stood up. he doesn't mention that it's also bc remy's ruined all other people for him

things try to fall back in routine from there, but it's a bit harder when roman's trying to not be so in love with someone who just works for him. and remy's definitely started pickin up on it too- they had asked him just last if he was okay, that he didn't seem as upset by remy takin his clothes anymore, and that didn't seem like him, was he getting sick?

the opposite, actually, absolutely nothing makes me feel better then seeing you walk around in my shirt or jacket or whatever else, please never stop and also kiss me?

roman just said he was tired

eventually... roman decides this can't keep going on. remy's giving him more weird looks these days, and roman is pretty sure being around remy so much without Any kisses is starting to cause brain decay (it's not, it's really not, remy always bein on his mind is just a side effect of.... pretti........). so, he takes matters into his own hands

admittedly, maybe firing remy wasn't the best way to go, given remy immediately demands to know why, what they did wrong, even asking if roman's being blackmailed into this

"blink once for yes, twice for no" remy asks, lowering the sunglasses they always have on to look directly at roman's eyes

roman doesn't blink for a full minute. he might not be breathing for that minute either. has he ever seen remy's eyes this close? has he ever seen them at all? they're such a brilliant shade of brown. roman could drown in them. he might be already

roman's pretty sure he started this conversation standing up, but maybe not, because when he finally blinks and remembers things outside of remy's eyes exist he's sitting down and remy looks extremely concerned

"okay... what's wrong, hun?" they ask, and oh no, they look so sad, and worried, and that's not good, roman should fix that right now, regardless of whatever he was doing before (he's forgotten)

"im gay" he responds intelligently. this will fix everything

remy, however, just looks confused. "yes?"

"for you" roman adds, helpfully, sure that Now remy will understand they're just really very pretty and nothing's wrong and if they feel bad still they should look in a mirror because then they'll be good again

now it's remy's turn to sit in silence, expression frozen in one of shock. they still havent put their sunglasses back on, so roman doesnt mind, bc this gives him more time to stare at remy's eyes

"you're having a breakdown because you're gay for me???" remy finally asks, expression unfreezing to look incredulous and a little hurt

roman returns a similar look. "im not having a breakdown!"

remy scoffs. "yeah, sure, right, that's why you suddenly froze and completely stopped breathing and minorly collapsed after i... look off my shades to look at you..." they suddenly break out in a smirk. "oh my gods, you're a gay disaster"

roman doesn't try to deny it, especially with the knowledge he apparently did stop breathing to admire remy's eyes. they have a point

"how long?"

"since that date you hijacked after i got stood up" roman admits. he finds it extraordinarily rude when remy starts laughing

...until they're pulling out their phone, hurriedly opening up the exact same dating app roman had been using, showing a log of all the dates they had planned- there's only one marked as having actually been attended

same date time and place of the one where roman had assumed he had been stood up

"you broke my heart!" roman says as remy puts away their phone, over-dramatically, not actually giving a damn, just feeling gay and a bit giddy at the thought remy hadnt gone to any of the other dates, just theirs

no longer worried quite as much about roman for the moment, remy's smirk just grows, smoothly moving from being crouched in front of roman to being set firmly in his lap, lazily brushing hair out of his eyes and wow was remy always this warm? and stunning? and perfect?

"i dunno babe... sounds more like i stole it" remy teases, movin from playing with roman's hair to cuppin his cheek, leaning in close and not even bothering to pretend to be looking at anything other than roman's lips. "which, yeah, bad bodyguard etiquette... i hope you can forgive me..."

roman doesn't need his words to answer that tease

[goldheartofsteel]

Royality, Sleepality and or Creativisleepality fic ideas ..... GO!

[romansleftshoulderpad]

Welcome to the Life of Electra Heart

Track Five: Starring Role

Ship: Creativisleep

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

If you like my writing, please consider leaving a comment! And maybe, buy me a Ko-Fi?

First Chapter / Last Chapter / Next Chapter

Tag List: @poettheythem @iclaimedtobethebetterbard @justablah56 If you’d like to be added to the tag list, please send an ask!

Small content warning that this fic does feature more sexual content than previous chapters, but nothing is ever mentioned graphically. If you’d like to skip this scene, stop reading after “Distraction,” he said and continue reading after the --- 

----

You’re hard to hug

Roman was at least used to his classes. From 10 a.m to 6 p.m he was a perfectly functional student. With his skills in acting, he might have even tricked his friends into believing he was well adjusted. He found relief in even the more challenging classes. Math had objective answers. English allowed him to analyze someone else’s problems. He thought that maybe if he studied enough Greek tragedies, he’d be too worn out to analyze himself. But if that were possible, he hadn’t read enough plays. And in the depths of cruel night, he thought of King Oedipus. A man could spend his life trying to do all the right things, only to realize life was never in his control. Or worse, the “right choices” dragging down not only himself but his beloved city. 

Roman turned over in bed. His knees were pulled up to his stomach and the light of his phone was drying out his eyes. But at least it wasn’t racking his brain. 

At 10 a.m, he resumed his charade of functionality. It didn’t even matter that sleep deprivation made every step heavy. And when he got home, he finally got a break from the heavy cloud of loathing that suffocated his lungs. He fell asleep as soon as he closed his eyes. And after a whole day of torture, it seemed sleep deprivation could be a friend after all. 

It seemed Roman had yet to learn his lesson. 

Tough to talk to.

And I never fall asleep

Remy’s touch was soft. His fingers ghosted over Roman’s skin and he never left marks. Sometimes when they were kissing, Roman would cry. Every time, Remy would stop and ask him, “What’s wrong?”

And Roman would always smile and say, “Absolutely nothing,” and kiss him again gently. 

He never told Remy why he cried. 

He wasn’t sure he understood why himself. 

When you’re in my bed, all you give me is a heartbeat

That first, terrible morning was not the only time Roman saw Janus. Though it might have been the only time Janus saw him. No matter how many times Roman told himself he was better not knowing, he couldn’t help but scan every room he entered. He felt fear when other students entered the coffee shop or the library. 

Patton had waved to him once, a kind smile on his face. His eyes were devoid of bad intentions. Roman didn’t think Patton was even capable of bad intentions.

Roman broke down crying once he got to his car.

I’ve turned into a statue and it makes me feel depressed,

‘Cause the only time you open up is when we get undressed.

Roman hadn’t had sex since they’d run into Janus in the coffee shop. Though, he hadn’t enjoyed sex since that night at Lilly’s house anyway. That one night was full of planning and calculations, where sex had gotten to be the reward for his own cunning. But other times… sex was not an end goal or a reward. Other times, there were too many memories pierced into his skin, too much guilt surrounding his every movement. The body he saw in the mirror didn’t even belong to him. 

No one with autonomy would have felt sick at the thought of even masturbating— let alone being touched by someone else.

Snake venom ran through his veins, with no sign of fading away.

You don’t love me, big fuckin’ deal

There was something inherently wrong with everyone. Not just him, but with all his friends. Five broken people held together by washi tape and glitter glue. But no one dared speak of the tension looming overhead. If you did, it might swallow you whole. 

I’ll never tell you how I feel

Roman was standing in the doorway, staring at the dumpster fire before him. No, a dumpster fire would have been far more organized than Remus’s room. There were clothes and old sketchbooks all over the floor. And what looked like thumb tacks sticking out from the carpet. Remus was barefoot as he paced around. 

“If you’re not going to compliment my latest art piece, then you should get out,” he said, gesturing to... something sitting on his desk.

“Is that... A penis?”

“Five penises,” he said. “Made of paper mache.”

“All connected at the balls.”

Remus smiled proudly. 

“I hate sharing DNA with you,” Roman said. 

“Then why are you here?” 

Roman furrowed his brow. “Has... Emile talked to you? Like... about liking someone? “Emile likes a lot of people. He has bad intuition and shit.”

“No, like...” Roman frowned. “Like-like.”

Remus groaned. “God, how old are you? No, he hasn’t gossiped to me about his little crush.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Well, it’s just... He seems to be upset with me lately-”

“You got drunk and told him to go fuck himself.”

“Before that,” Roman said, though he couldn’t help but cringe. He still hadn’t apologized-- he’d hoped Emile would just silently forgive him and they could all move on. “Lilly told me he had feelings for someone and I’ve noticed he hasn’t talked to me as much since Remy and I-”

Remus tilted his head to the side, a furrow in his brow that Roman knew all too well-- and knew it wasn’t anything good. 

“...Started hanging out more,” he added clumsily. “And I thought, you know, maybe he was upset because-”

Remus laughed-- a loud bark of mockery. “You think Emile has a crush on you?!”

“Hey! It’s not that wild of a concept!”

Remus was laughing too hard to form a proper rebuttal. 

Roman huffed and went back to his room. It’s not that much of a stretch!

You don’t love me, not a big deal

I’ll never tell you how I feel

Roman was almost late for class. It seemed the universe was determined to screw him over even when he wasn’t being self-destructive. (Which then made it even harder to stop being self-destructive.)

He had agreed to meet everyone in the library after class. (And he was almost late to that too after getting lost.) He found a table that everyone’s bags had been piled onto and threw his things into the mess, taking a moment to catch his breath. He began aimlessly walking around the library. 

The dusty air and seemingly endless shelves were relaxing. Despite feeling far older and more foreign than any library he’d visited as a kid, he couldn’t help but believe that the walls could keep his secrets. And though he often felt lost in the grand scheme of time and feared that his infinitesimal life would be deemed one of even more infinitesimal importance, this old library whispered a promise to hold the lives of anyone who entered its walls. 

He heard whispering in one of the aisles-- and like a high schooler with insect radiation in his veins, he knew something was wrong. He ducked into the aisle on the other side of the whispering and found a small slit between the shelves where he could see blue hair and a shorter blond. Roman stayed there, his breath as still as the dust on yellowed pages.

“--I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be dumping all this on you. I- I just-”

“Shh. Listen, I’m here for you.”

“Sometimes I worry you’re the only one.”

“Well, I mean-” A forced laugh. “Don’t. Don’t tell me it’s true.”

“Have you told anyone other than me?”

“...it’s not that easy.”

“It would be easier if you did.”

Roman’s chest was hurting from holding his breath, but he was still terrified to make himself known. Which is ridiculous, he told himself, there’s nothing illegal about browsing a library shelf. Of course, he knew that would only be true had he been only browsing. He slowly let out his breath, watching the dust fly up from the shelves as he did. 

“Remy, I- There’s something I really should tell you.” 

Roman’s nose twitched. Please, God, no- “Achoo!” He froze still, and looking through the crack he could see that Emile had as well. 

Remy furrowed his brow. “Tell me what, Em?”

Emile’s head turned and for a moment it seemed that he and Roman might have made eye contact, but he showed no sign of recognition. His posture stiffened. “…nothing. Nothing that matters anyway.”

“Em, everything you say matters.”

Emile sighed. “Not if it doesn’t change anything.”

“Em-“

“I should go find Remus. He needed my help with an essay.”

Bullshit, Roman thought. Remus never needs help. 

“Emile, wait,” Remy pleaded. 

“I’m tired of waiting, Remy. I need to go.”

Emile left, as did any sense of hope lingering on Remy’s lips. And Roman was alone, feeling like a spy, feeling like a traitor. 

Sometimes I ignore you

Remy and Virgil had come over to study. There was no sign of Emile and only a ghost in the space that once might have been reserved for Patton. The clock on the wall kept ticking, a drummer standing by the sidelines as soldiers marched into battle. The drummer would not face the immediate consequences of the battle he pulsed, but like every good heart, he was doomed nonetheless. 

A phone rang. The first shot. Virgil frowned as he picked it up off the table, but he hit “decline” and lost all sense of good posture, melting into some uncanny beast whose face shone silver in the screen’s light. He groaned, like a child unable to communicate that they’re in pain. 

“Do you need a ride home?” Remus asked.

“Not home,” Virgil mumbled.

“I’ll grab my keys.”

The defending army begins to fall. The drummer keeps drumming. Roman debates throwing a brick at that old clock. 

Roman closed his textbook and headed up the stairs, going for his room before Remus and Virgil even had a chance to leave. A war deserter, maybe, but better than a dead man any day. He threw his door behind him, waiting to hear the click of it shutting in place. Waiting. Waiting for just a second too long. He groaned and turned around to properly shut the door when he noticed exactly why it hadn’t shut. 

Remy, with his hands balled in his jean pockets, and his foot between the door and frame. 

Air caught itself in Roman’s throat- making it impossible to speak as his heartbeat drummed on, and on, and on, trying to march away from the battle. 

Remy’s shoulders sagged and he pulled his foot back in, no longer an intimidating blockade, but now just a boy trying to be something akin to a man. He whispered softly, “Roman, are you okay?”

Roman sighed, though his lungs were tight and his heart wished to escape its cage, he found it much easier to walk over to Remy and fall, his forehead pressed against Remy’s neck and his senses overwhelmed by soft skin and peppermint scent. “I don’t want to think anymore.”

“Your coursework is that rough, huh?”

Roman whined, “Nooo.”

Remy wrapped his arms around Roman, one hand carding through his hair as he did everything he could to make the rest of the world go away. “I’m tired of thinking too.”

Roman lifted his head, his cheek pressed up against Remy’s. “Maybe we could... stop thinking for a bit. You know... distract each other.”

Remy leaned in, laying his lips softly against Roman’s and the two quickly found their gentle rhythm. Roman tugged at Remy’s bottom lip, but as Remy pulled away he whined. 

The subtle quirk of an eyebrow and the gentle wrinkle of a smirk-- that was all it took for Roman to be undone. Remy’s voice was soft and low, and he asked, “How long have you been waiting to ask that?”

“Too long,” Roman said as easily and as quickly as breathing. 

“Then let’s just stop thinking,” Remy said. He let go of Roman just long enough to close the door, and then his hands were cradled against the side of Roman’s face and everything was back to sweet, rhythmic bliss. They moved like the hands of a clock. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. 

It was a dance, really, as Remy kissed him breathless and they took turns taking steps in time. Back. Back. Back. And back, until Roman’s legs hit the edge of the bed and Remy’s hands moved to his hips and he was breathless as skin moved over skin and fingers ghosted over Roman’s hips and under his shirt and he was breathless- breathless- breathless as Remy pressed his fingers into his sides and hooked one leg over Roman’s and he was breathless because it was bliss. And the memories of Janus pushing and pressing and pinning him down were like cuts over his skin, stinging in the open air and threatening to bleed his sanity all over the carpet and Roman was breathless and his heart was racing-- because that’s what happens when people have sex and it’s healthy and normal-- and tears pricked at his eyes and before he knew it he was shoving Janus- Janus- Janus-- Remy off of him. He heard something fall on the ground but didn’t register what it was. Probably a weighted blanket. Probably something he could deal with later. Probably nothing, that’s all any of this was. Probably nothing haunting him in the middle of the night and probably nothing going on with Emile and probably nothing happening with Patton and Janus and probably nothing that’s all his relationship with Janus was. Probably nothing was all he was to Janus. Probably nothing was probably everything he’d probably ever be. 

His fingernails were digging into the skin of his knees and the blood bubbling at his skin was the only thing that made him realize he was curled into a ball with tears already drying on his cheeks. His hands and face were tingling from a lack of oxygen and he fought himself for air. 

Someone was saying his name.

“No, no, no,” he kept saying, “No,” and shaking his heart. It had to be a hallucination. Just another phantom that kept him awake in the night. Another “Pathetic” branding into his skin and just another love bite that didn’t exist but felt so real when his hoodies ghosted over his skin. “No,” he said to the phantoms, but they kept calling out his name, “no, no, no, no, no, no.” His grip tightened. His skin burned. His lungs felt sore— from choking or screaming? Even as his gasps lightened into a pattern of deep breaths, he could still hear and feel and almost even see Janus. He could even see himself. Like some sort of out-of-body experience. He could see how childish he seemed. He lifted his head from where it had been buried in his arms. 

And Remy was sitting on his floor. Blue hair messy. Tears softly falling from his eyes. 

“Remy,” Roman softly choked. “I- I didn’t know you were- I thought. Well, that maybe I-“ His cheeks were warm as new tears fell over dried paths. “I thought I was-”

Remy pursed his lips and wiped the tears off his cheeks. He didn’t say anything. Maybe that was for the better. Maybe that was worse. 

“I’m sorry,” Roman said. Maybe to Remy. Maybe to himself. Maybe to Janus. “I’m sorry,” echoed through his mind. Maybe to no one at all.

So I feel in control

Where did the time go? Trading days for good grades and losing yourself in a dying highlighter, whose ink has spilled across hundreds of pages for hundreds of hours. Roman gave a strong exhale and threw his backpack over his shoulder. The weight of textbooks pulling down on his shoulder seemed like a problem for future Roman-- he just didn’t know if that future was in five years or five days. 

A hand ruffled his hair and planted a kiss on his forehead. “Are you ready, hun?”

He let out a long exhale, deflating into his chair as he did so. 

His mom laughed. “You’re a smart cookie, Roman. You’ll do fine.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“Well too bad!” Remus yelled, running into the kitchen.

Their mother sighed.

“Get your ass in gear, dumbass!”

Roman gave his mother a look, with a raised eyebrow and that ever-present question, “Why didn’t you put him up for adoption and let me be an only child?”

And she let her head fall with her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose, giving that sigh that answered, “Sometimes, I really don’t know.”

Roman took the last swig of his coffee like a shot and followed Remus out to the car. “Just two more midterms,” he said. 

“Just two more professors to bribe,” Remus joked. 

Roman pulled out his phone and opened up Quizlet. He tested himself every single minute of the drive to campus. He recited equations and vocab terms to himself as Remus parked the car and in every single step towards the campus coffee shop. Unsurprisingly, Virgil was there before them with a pile of pens and notebooks scattered across the table. Roman threw his bag down on the seat and sat next to Virgil, scanning over the notes whilst pulling out his own materials. 

“Wow,” Remus said, “you two are a couple of fucking nerds. If you shacked up, you would literally-”

“Okay, Remus,” Virgil hissed. 

Roman nudged Virgil’s arm, “It’s fine, we’ll just shame him when we’re both very successful graduates and he’s still trying to bribe his way through his sixth year of a two-year degree.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m getting a drink. Try not to have Virgil inside you when I get back.”

Virgil slumped over and rested his arms on the table with his chin sitting on top of his hand. “I’m going to kill him one of these days.”

“I’ll help you hide the body,” Roman offered. 

Virgil laughed and rested into a smile that Roman hadn’t seen from any of his friends in a terribly long time. Not since he and Janus- He was just happy to see Virgil happy, which made it all the more bitter when Virgil’s smile faded away. 

“Roman!” Remy said with a smile and his arms open wide. 

Roman stood quickly at the mention of his name. 

Remy pulled back. 

Roman stepped forward. 

An entire conversation sat in their half a second glance, but only a word was nestled into their hug. Roman hugged tightly, like he never wanted to let go. 

Emile and Virgil shared a glance across the table.

Remus came back from the counter and groaned. “Ew, more gay people.”

“Are you homophobic now?” Emile asked. 

“Only for you four,” Remus said. 

“Just for us, huh? Kinky,” Remy said. 

Roman rolled his eyes and let go of their hug. He settled back into his spot next to Virgil, letting their knees brush and their arms overlapped. 

Remus raised an eyebrow.

Virgil moved away.

And Roman silently prayed that one day he’d finally be able to read minds the way all his friends seemed to. He silently prayed they’d never be able to read his. “Hey, Remy, I think I owe you a coffee.”

Remy furrowed his brow. “Do you? I won’t say no either way but- Oh. Yeah, you definitely owe me one.”

Roman let out a deep breath. Under the table, he latched his foot against Remy’s ankle. Remy’s hand rested on his knee. He glanced at the time on Virgil’s laptop. Only one more hour to go.

‘Cause really, I adore you, and I can’t leave you alone

Roman was checking his hair in the bathroom. It had only been a week since midterms officially ended. But he couldn’t stop worrying about them. Sure, the world hadn’t ended during any of those tests, and he felt confident enough walking out. But, nothing was set in stone yet. Yet. Yet. Roman hated waiting on ‘yet’. His dye job was fading, leaving his hair looking far more natural and his brown roots were starting to show. He pushed his hair back and took a deep breath, exhaling as he walked out into the real world of the busy coffee shop. 

The line moved quickly enough, but a decent-sized crowd was forming around the pick-up counter. Despite this, there seemed to be no rush or impending doom amongst the baristas. Roman tapped his fingers against the flat side seam of his jeans. He knew he had hours to spare, but anything over a minute felt like a race against the clock. 

When he finally got to the counter, he recited his order like a machine. Only halfway through being halfway through the year. He was too tired to be a person, so he let himself just be another cog. He waited for his coffee. Just another body in the crowd. 

Until someone said his name.

And his fists tightened at his side. He wished he could have just stayed another body. 

“Roman,” he called again. “Hey. It’s, uh, been a while.”

Roman turned slowly, trying to force his breathing to be slow and deep as his heart raced. “Has Janus dumped you into the trash yet?”

Patton was small, though he was the same size as always, the distance made him seem so small. He had enough baby fat on his round cheeks to pass for a twelve-year-old more than an adult of 18. He had so much hope in his eyes. “No,” he said.

“Then it will be a while longer.”

“Roman, just because-” 

“Do not,” Roman seethed, keeping his voice down and his fists tight. He couldn’t cause a scene. He wouldn’t grant Janus that satisfaction. “Do not assume that I will bend myself to the sob story of anyone else. I would sooner break you in two than let you splinter me.”

A barista called out, “Hot chocolate with almond milk!”

When Roman allowed himself to meet Patton’s baby eyes, tears were welling over the edges. Patton took a shaky breath and said, “I hope you can see clearly one day.” He grabbed his drink and began to walk away, though so slowly it seemed more like a threat than a real exit. 

I hope you do too, Roman wanted to say. I hope Janus is better to you. I hope you leave him before you realize what he can do. “I don’t need your pity,” Roman said. He watched Patton walk away, with a part of Roman’s heart following behind. I miss having your rose-tinted vision. 

Fed up with the fantasies 

The car ignition started. The seatbelts clicked and the car tested its own ability to beep and blink along to the dashboard to prove it was still alive. (Sometimes Roman thought the old car was more alive than he was.) “So, uh... did you see him?”

“See who?” Roman asked as he scrolled through his Tumblr dash. 

“...you know,” Remus said. 

Roman put his phone screen down on his lap. “Oh,” he said. “Him, no. But I, uh, talked to Patton.”

Remus twisted in his seat, turning off the ignition and propping his knee onto the cup holders. “You spoke to Patton?!” 

“Well, I mean, more like Patton spoke to me. I wanted no part in it.”

Remus’ brow furrowed. “What did you talk about? Is he, like, a total prick now? Did he beg for forgiveness?” He took a deep breath and his voice rattled along the walls, “Did he shove Janus’s dick inside his own rectum where it belongs?!”

Roman winced. “Volume, Remus, please.”

Remus’s head pulled into his shoulders, making him look like a turtle. He muttered an apology.

“And, well, no. To all of it? He and Janus are still... a thing. I think Janus sent him specifically to torture me.”

Remus frowned. “Patton wouldn’t do that.”

“Then he’s just torturing me of his own volition.”

“Patton... Patton would do that.”

Roman asked quietly, “How well did you know Patton?”

“Not well enough.”

That cover what is wrong

Sweater weather. Roman’s favorite time of year. Well, as close as he could get to sweater weather anyway. If he sweat his ass off for the fit, at least he could be hot. In more ways than one. He laced up his red Converse and checked himself in the mirror. Red sweater with the white collar of his button-down poking over the top, blue skinny jeans, and his hair as rusty as ever. He took a deep breath and grabbed a tube of lipstick off the dresser. He’d never experimented with makeup before, and the concept still scared him. 

But he’d been too scared lately. Scared of the little things. Scared of things that weren’t even real.

He uncapped the tube and carefully traced the red over his lips. Might as well conquer the little fears. He rubbed his lips together the way he always saw Lilly do, he didn’t know why she did it, but it seemed wrong not to. He held his head high, straightened his back, and stepped out of his room and into a new day. 

—

Emile was quiet during the whole car ride and his hands were constantly fidgeting in his lap. As street signs blurred behind them, Roman found it harder and harder to focus on anything other than his eerily silent passenger. The car turned into the parking lot and Roman decided it was officially his mission to make Emile spill one way or the other. He parked and as he turned off the ignition to his car, he turned on the ignition to his scheme. His keychains jingled as he shoved his key into his pocket. 

“Emile,” he said, causing his passenger to jump in surprise. “Are you ready to kick ass?”

“You are... more like Remus than you think.”

“Fuck you. Let’s roll.”

The giant banner over the temporary store was no more than a modern-day equivalent of a fairy ring in an old forest. “Spirit Halloween,” Roman read with a smile, “a Halloween-filled party dimension.”

Emile frowned. “It’s just a costume store, Roman.”

“How are you friends with Virgil, Em?”

“Roman,” he said stiffly, “you don’t get to call me that.”

“Oh.” Roman paused suddenly. They had only just gotten inside, but he still couldn’t believe how far in he’d gone without saying it. “Emile, I- uh- I’m really sorry about the whole... party incident. I don’t really... remember... what I said. But I know it wasn’t good.”

Emile gave a small nod.

“And I’m not just sorry I said it, I... I’m mostly sorry it took me this long. I really should have-”

An animatronic werewolf began to howl, and as Roman screamed he realized his foot had been on the trigger.

Emile doubled over laughing. When he came up for air, his face was red and tears streaked over his cheeks. 

Roman wanted to roll his eyes, but Emile’s smile seemed to make it all better. 

Emile wiped at his face and took a few deep breaths, slowly returning to his normal complexion. His wide grin took Roman back in time, back to the carnival on the night they first met. The memory had become painful over time, but it brought him Emile-- amongst others-- and maybe that was its silver lining. 

“Forget the apology, I think that was all I needed,” he said with a teasing wink. “But, uh, I forgive you. Just... try to take care of yourself, okay? If not for you, if not for me, then do it for Remy, please.”

Roman furrowed his brow. “How did you--?”

“I, uh, don’t know what’s going on between you two. I don’t like to speculate where I’m not asked.” He took a deep breath. “But you two... seem good for each other, I guess. I guess he needed you.”

Roman should have been elated, but he couldn’t push past the guilt settling in his chest. “That means a lot, Emile. Thank you.”

Emile smiled and asked, “Can we go look at the Monster High stuff now? I’ve been waiting for months to see it.”

“Of course,” he said, finding Emile’s joy to be contagious. 

—

Once Roman’s car was loaded with bags of decorations, he found himself very grateful that Remus offered to pay for everything. Or, more accurately, that they had previously staked this on a game of Mario Kart and that Remus was very, very bad at Mario Kart. 

“Hey, Roman, you’re a fan of Taylor Swift,” Emile said, pulling Roman out of his Mario-Kart-ass-kicking memory.

“How’d you know?” Roman asked.

Emile only raised an eyebrow.

“...okay, fine, yeah. Why’d you ask?”

“Wanted to request it for the drive home,” he said. “Also, you’re totally giving Style right now and I needed to know if that was on purpose.”

Roman laughed. “It isn’t, but I’ll take it as a compliment.” He plugged his phone into the aux cord and handed it over to Emile. “You Belong With Me” began to play over the car speakers. “Taylor’s Version?” Roman asked.

“Is that even a question?” Emile teased. 

He pulled the shift in reverse. “Tell everyone we’re on our way back.”

“On it.”

“Have you ever thought just maybe? You belong with me? You belong with me...”

 —

“Bitch, I will throw this pumpkin spice latte all over your whitest shirt.”

Roman sighed. Virgil screamed. Remus and Lilly were probably fighting to the death. And they all did it whilst completely sober. “Can we all try not to kill each other? Please? Can an effort be made?” Roman begged.

“No promises,” Lilly and Remus said in unison. 

“Should we hide the carving knives?” Remy asked. 

“Already did,” Emile said.

Roman sighed. “Emile gets the ‘Most Prepared for Remus’ award.”

“He’s already been holding that title for the past three years,” Virgil said.

Roman furrowed his brow. “That was a joke, that’s an actual thing?”

“Yep,” Virgil, Emile, and Remy answered. 

“Though, I think he also deserves the ‘Most Prepared for Lilly’ award,” Virgil said. He turned to Emile and added, “I’ll, uh, have to make a new one. I kind of... set the old one on fire.”

“Why did you have the award?” Roman asked. “I’m her best friend! I should have it!”

Virgil shrugged. “I was more prepared.”

“How?!”

A crash sounded in the kitchen, followed by Lilly’s voice screaming a creative string of swear words.

Virgil sighed and muttered, “Through a lot of bad choices.”

Roman decided not to question him any further. 

“I still can’t believe your parents actually agreed to this,” Emile said to Remy. 

“Why wouldn’t they agree to a quiet and wholesome Halloween get-together?” Remy winked.

Emile rolled his eyes.

Roman just prayed that Remus wouldn’t get murdered by Lilly. Or murder Lilly. Really, he didn’t want any murder to occur at all. But that seemed highly unlikely. 

“Virgil, can you take care of Lilly?” Remy asked.

Virgil froze. “I? Why me?”

Remy raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t you say you have the-”

“I’ll do it,” Emile stepped in. “Virgil can get the music set up.”

Virgil mouthed, “Thank you.”

But Remy only shrugged. “As long as someone gets those two feral cats separated. Roman, I need you to help me move some stuff upstairs.”

Virgil started, “I thought upstairs was off limits for the-” He quieted at what Roman could only assume was a killer glare from Remy. 

Without another word, Remy started up the stairs, and like his obedient puppy, Roman followed. They went into Remy’s bedroom and the door slammed shut as soon as they were inside. Remy grabbed Roman’s cheeks and pulled him in, kissing him roughly. Roman melted under his touch, his hands settling against Remy’s waist. He took a breath as they broke apart. “Not that I don’t love the surprise, but what was that for?” “Distraction,” he said. 

“Well, the part doesn’t start for a while,” he said. “We could, you know, take some time. Moving things.”

“What are you saying?”

“Just fuck me already,” Roman pleaded. He took off his sweater and tossed it on the floor.

Remy laughed and wasted no time returning his lips to Roman’s mouth. His hands explored Roman’s chest and his fingers made quick work to undo the buttons of his shirt. He kissed along Roman’s jaw and moved down to his neck.

Roman whined. “No- ah- no hickies. Please.”

“Duly noted,” Remy murmured, his voice reverberating over Roman’s skin and his lips so soft but so torturous. 

Roman worked to undo whatever buttons and zippers or whatevers that were between him and Remy. He wasn’t thinking straight-- he was never thinking straight at moments like these-- he wasn’t even thinking at all. He was just being an animal, doing only what pleased him the fastest. 

“Do you- ah- wanna move things- hmm- to the bed?” Remy asked between moans.

“I’d love to.”

They broke apart and giggled breathlessly, the rush of adrenaline from secret keeping and from knowing what came next was enough to leave them intoxicated. (Roman preferred that- the kind of intoxication that didn’t leave you with a headache in the morning.) They both stripped to their boxers and climbed onto the bed. The mattress sank under their weight as they sat on top. Too far apart to initially do anything; right where Roman felt safe. 

He watched as Remy settled against the pillows and he crawled closer. He lightly kissed Remy’s lips, trying to comfortably settle into the gaps between Remy’s limbs. His arms shook against his weight and the uneven mattress.

Remy broke the kiss with a laugh. “Roman, you don’t have to keep hovering. You’re not going to crush me.”

“I- Are you sure?”

Remy gently placed his hands on Roman’s sides, gripping just hard enough to hold his weight.

Roman took a breath and lowered his weight with Remy’s guidance. Their chests were pressed right against each other and their faces were tragically close. Roman kissed him again, moving so slowly and so gently. Gone was the world beyond the locked bedroom door. Gone were the stress and memories and singeing at his skin that usually came with sex or the expectation of it. (He would have supposed that was the saddest part if he’d been thinking at all. But the ability to stop thinking and just feel needed by someone, that’s why he stayed.)

Intoxication came in waves. He moved past Remy’s lips, kissing him everywhere his own skin had once been marked, but moving like a phantom without a trace. 

Roman paused between kisses, resting his chin on Remy’s hip bone and flashing a devilish grin. “Where do you keep your-“

Remy held up a bottle of lube and a box of condoms. “Already ahead of you,” he said. 

Roman pulled himself up just enough to kiss Remy’s lips, throwing caution to the wind and not wasting time finding a rhythm. He stopped thinking. His fingers traced the waistline of Remy’s boxers. He deepened the kiss and let his hands move with a mind of their own. He was a conductor, orchestrating that beautiful music that came from Remy’s moans. He was a million different metaphorical things creating art, or music, or whatever else one might call it. 

He was a twenty-year-old having sex. Plain and simple. Just doing whatever it took to cope. He pulled on a condom. Apparently “whatever” was named Remy Cho, and if Roman’s mind wasn’t busy melting into mush and television static, then that simplification would have horrified him. (But simplification was all he had wanted for months. He didn’t have the patience to be horrified.)

Remy’s back was pressed up against his chest, and Roman was pressing kisses all along his neck as they fucked. Remy had asked for a distraction. Roman had given him a hell of a lot more than that. 

—

“Do you think they’re looking for us?” Roman asked. He and Remy were laying face to face in the bed. Roman could hardly keep his eyes open. 

“Fuck ‘em.”

Roman smiled and said, “A little too worn out for that.”

Remy stifled a laugh. “I hate you so much.”

“Hmm. Do you do that with everyone you hate?” he teased.

“Only a select few.” 

Roman rolled his eyes. “You’re lucky you’re hot.”

Remy reached out and gently traced over Roman’s jaw.

“If you want a round two, you’re out of luck.” “Just wanted to say thank you.” 

Roman pressed his forehead against Remy’s, not bothering to open his eyes. He was so tired. He didn’t want to think about the party that was supposed to start downstairs. He just wanted to sleep. “You don’t need to thank me. Our transactions are mutually beneficial.”

“Transactions.” He laughed softly. “Are we just some cheap whores?”

“I think I am,” he admitted. He was too tired to joke. He was too, too tired to lie. 

Remy laced their fingers together and pressed a kiss to Roman’s knuckles. “You should take a shower before heading down. I, uh, have a costume for you. I’ll leave it in the bathroom for you.”

Roman hummed. “I really am your cheap whore, huh?”

Remy sighed. And for a moment, they just laid there. The silence taking over the air. 

Roman shivered as the sweat on his skin began to cool and the fact that he was laying naked in someone else’s sweaty bed was starting to sink in.

“They’ll be wondering what’s taking so long,” Remy said quietly, but to the point. “You should shower. While there’s still time.”

Another deep breath. One foot after the other. Roman pulled himself out of bed and pulled on just enough clothes to make himself legally decent. Remy led him to the bathroom, which must have been the most minimalist part of the entire house. He pulled back the grey shower curtain and turned on the water. 

“I’ll bring you a towel,” Remy said. He stepped out and kept a hand on the doorknob, “I’ll- uh- give you some privacy.”

The door closed behind him.

Privacy, Roman thought to himself, bold words from someone who had my dick in his ass. But at the same time, he was almost grateful. Roman took off his clothes and let them stay wherever they landed. He stepped into the shower and his muscles relaxed instantaneously. He decided he was grateful for a moment alone. Had Remy stuck around, cleaned him off, or even allowed them both to stay in their own little bubble of reality, then Roman would have been stuck. Their relationship was like super glue, if you weren’t careful it could trap you together. It was good they were apart. 

Then it wouldn’t hurt when it all went down in flames. 

Super glue is flammable, after all. And Roman didn’t need anything else coming between his heart and the walls he’d built to protect it. He massaged shampoo into his hair and gave it time to sit, pumping Remy’s body wash into his hands and rubbing it over his skin. (Sure, having sex in someone’s bed is one thing, but using their loofah? Far too intimate.) Suds and water ran down his skin, sending the sweat and feelings down the drain. There was a soft click and squeak as the door opened and then closed. Most likely Remy leaving a towel behind. 

Roman washed his face. And he rubbed down his body once again for good measure.

But it wasn’t of any real use. Whatever he was hiding from, he’d still be smelling Remy’s body wash on him all night. There was no running away from this. 

He turned off the water and dried himself off as best he could, not thinking about how the towel was warm and soft and how the only logical reason for that was that it had just come out of the drier. He didn’t think about how Remy was caring about him, from a distance, in his own little way. Refused to think about it, even. It was easier to pretend he’d been abandoned. It was easier to have his walls chipped rather than broken. 

His dirty clothes were gone and a bag hung on the door knob. He picked it up and inside saw a note that said, “I promise the boxers are clean. Never worn, keep them if you want.” He pulled out the clothes, all folded neatly and all with the same clean smell of Remy’s detergent. The costume was brand new. Remy must have washed it straight out of the bag. 

“Mooom,” Roman screamed. “I’m dying!”

His mom walked into the bathroom, with Remus practically attached to her hip. “Roman, you’re not dying,” she sighed.

“Eww, you’re turning into an ugly monster!” Remus yelled, pointing at Roman’s back. 

Roman was spinning in circles, trying to see his bare back in the mirror. His skin was red and covered in bumps. He began to cry. “I don’t wanna be a monster! I don’t wanna!”

“Monster brother!” Remus chanted. “Monster brother! Monster brother!”

Roman cried harder.

“Enough, Remus,” their mother scolded. She gently placed a hand on Roman’s shoulder but he screamed and started scratching where her hand had been. “Roman,” she said gently, “can you take a deep breath for mommy?”

Roman sucked in as much air as his little lungs could hold and nodded. 

“Does it itch?”

He let out all the air in one big exhale. “Yes! Like a million bajillion fire ants!”

“He’s cursed!” Remus yelled. He tugged on their mother’s shirt and begged, “Save me, Dragon Witch! Kill the cursed monster!”

She sighed. “Remus, I am not going to kill your brother. Why don’t you go find your father, okay? Can you do that, my little knight?”

Remus saluted. “Yes, ma’am!”

She ruffled his hair. “Good boy.” 

He ran out of the bathroom, and his voice echoed through the walls as he yelled, “Dad! Dad! Roman got cursed!” 

“What’s wrong with me?” Roman pleaded. 

“You’re just having an allergic reaction,” his mom explained calmly. “Yesterday, you wore that new shirt grandma bought you, right?”

“Mhm-hmm.”

“And you wore it before I had a chance to wash it.”

“It wasn’t dirty,” Roman protested.

She laughed. “No, it wasn’t dirty, but you do have very sensitive skin, Roman.”

“Sensitive?” he asked. 

“Remember when you and Remus got into a fight over the last cookie?”

He nodded stiffly, “You told us sharing is caring.”

She smiled, “Very good. But, before you shared the cookie, you felt very upset. And it made you cry. Well, this is like that. Your skin isn’t happy with the detergent the store used before grandma bought you that shirt. So now it’s acting out.”

Roman wiped the tears off of his cheeks. “Does my skin need to go into time out?”

“No, sweetie,” she said, “but we will have to put some anti-itch cream on it so you don’t scratch and make it worse.”

“But I don’t like that stuff. It’s cold.”

“I know, Roman, but let me make you a deal.”

He perked up. He always got good things when he made a deal with his mom.

“You can pick out your very bestest favoritest movie, and we can watch it while I help your skin calm down from its little temper tantrum. How does that sound?”

Roman pretended to consider. “I think... those terms are agreeable.”

She laughed. “Go get the DVD player set up, my little prince.”

He smiled. Another successful deal. 

There was a whole week after that incident where people could finally tell the twins apart- Remus was the one who wasn’t covered in calamine lotion every single day. Roman couldn’t even remember how many years ago that was. He couldn’t remember a time when his only problem was who got the last cookie. 

But Remy remembered. 

And after Roman finished putting the costume on, he was wiping the tears from his eyes. He stepped out of the bathroom and made his way down the stairs. Going from one floor to the next felt like hopping dimensions, from the dark quiet upstairs to the loud and bright party. But maybe the sensory overload was what he needed-- a distraction from his distraction. 

“There he is,” Remy announced, as Roman made his way into the kitchen. Remy was decked out in an astronaut suit, save for the helmet. And glittery stars were pinned into his midnight blue hair. 

Roman walked towards him, not sure what to say to a complete stranger, a childhood friend, and a one-night stand rolled into one. 

But Remy did the talking. “I, uh, have some things for you.”

And that was enough. 

Remy handed him a glass bottle with an iced coffee inside, one of those Starbucks “frappes” they sell at grocery stores that never have the consistency of frappucinos. Lilly would hate it. But Roman cracked the lid and took a sip gratefully. “And, uh, one more thing.” He pulled a paper bag from behind his back and took out a plastic golden crown. “What’s a prince without his crown, am I right?”

Roman smiled as Remy crowned him. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

“How could I forget, Princey?”

Roman opened his mouth to speak, though even he was unaware of what he might say. 

There was a knock at the doorway. “There you two are!”

Roman closed his lips and swallowed his words. Whatever he wanted to say, it wasn’t worth listening to anyway. 

Lilly leaned against the counter. Her flapper dress cast little rainbows onto the floor. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you. It took you a really long time to-” She raised an eyebrow and lifted her hands to do air quotes. “-move some stuff upstairs.” She gave a hard, fake cough. 

Emile awkwardly shuffled behind her. “Uh, Rem, some people are smoking in the backyard. Should we--?”

Remy sighed. “Send Remus after ‘em. He’s been looking for a good excuse to yell at someone for weeks now.”

“Please do. He thinks we can’t hear him rage screaming in the showers,” Roman said. 

“On it,” Emile said. He was gone as quickly as he appeared. 

Lilly glanced over her shoulder at him, then turned her attention back to the two before her. “Virgil and I were going to put on a movie, if you two can go without giving each other hand jobs that long.”

Roman was certain his face was on fire. 

But despite Remy also blushing, his voice held no sign of embarrassment when he said, “I’m glad the two of you are finally getting along.”

Lilly pursed her lips. “We’re not,” she said and solemnly added on, “we’re both just really good liars.”

“I wouldn’t mind a movie,” Roman said softly, reaching out for Lilly’s hand. 

She looped her thumb over his. It was a start. It was enough. 

“I’ll tell everyone else the party is over,” Remy said.

“What? Why?”

His mouth gave the tiniest bit of a quirk. “I think I just need some time with my real friends.”

Roman smiled at him and tried to communicate with their eyes the way everyone else seemed to. It didn’t really work. But by the time the house was quiet with only the five of them and a couple of blankets (after Lilly insisted that Remy and Roman be apart), all that mattered was in that room. 

Roman sat on a single chair, Remy and Emile shared the love seat, and despite the extra cushion between Remus and Virgil, Lilly was lounging on a bean bag chair she’d found elsewhere in the house. Popcorn had been launched at more than one jump scare. And most of them were asleep before their movie marathon had ended. 

But Roman was content to watch the credits. Roman was content to have a moment alone. 

Come on, baby, let’s just get drunk

Forget we don’t get on

Roman saw more of Emile in the days after that party. That was on purpose, though they still hadn’t gotten to where Roman wanted to be. (Roman had suspected that his ‘end goal’ didn’t even really exist and that he was doomed to constantly feel dissatisfied with some feeble attempt at spying.) 

“I’m so tired of gen eds,” Roman groaned. They were studying in the back of the library, a semi-abandoned section that seemed to exist only to their little group. The lights were always a little dimmer and there was always a bit more dust in the air, but it quickly became home. “I just want to get my AA and do something... better. You know?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Emile said. “I have all these plans, you know? Major in psychology. Get my Ph.D. That kind of stuff.”

“I’m sensing there’s a ‘but’ in there,” Roman said. He capped his highlighter and pushed his work to the side.

“I’m afraid to leave all this behind, I guess. My friends, my hometown. There just isn’t any way I can actually get what I want without leaving.” He looked up, meeting Roman’s eyes, and looked away just as quickly, with something sheepish in more than just his gaze. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be venting to you.”

“While I appreciate the self-awareness,” he said, “I don’t mind. I know what it’s like to bottle things up.”

“Are you sure?”

Roman leaned back against the plastic seat and motioned for Emile to relax as well. “Go for it.”

Emile crossed one leg over the other, resting his ankle over his knee. He pulled a pillow from the back of the chair next to him and held it in his lap, his fingers fiddling with the old fringes on the edge of the fabric. “It’s been weird living on my own. My sister helped me get the place and I’m so grateful she did but... I’ve never been alone before. I’ve always liked the quiet, but I’m not a fan of silence.”

Roman nodded along. He’d always dreamt of freedom, but it had never occurred to him what it would be like to be completely separated from his parents and Remus.

“And things keep changing,” he said with a frown. “I can’t always explain it but... Patton is gone now. And for the first time, I’m realizing that things aren’t concrete. The person I’ve spent years with and- and maybe I-”

Roman frowned. “You what?”

Emile said, “It doesn’t matter. At this point, I think I’d just do anything to make sure he doesn’t leave. And I... I’m worried I’ll be too obvious. Too anxious about losing him. And that’s going to be the reason he leaves. Because the rat got too clingy.”

“And who is this friend?” Roman asked.

Emile brought the pillow up to his chest, hiding part of his face behind it.

“You don’t have to tell me, Emile. But is it at least someone we both know? One of our friends?”

Emile nodded. The motion was so small, Roman didn’t even know if he’d meant to do it or if it was entirely reflexive. But the only answer he’d needed was that nod. 

“Then, I can tell you that won’t happen.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I’m not a mind reader,” he said, “but I know our friends. Remus, Virgil, Remy? They’re good guys. Loyal, to a fault even, but loyal nonetheless. You’re going to have all of us, man, whether you want us or not.”

“But what about Patton? I- I’m sorry. You probably don’t want to hear about him.”

“Patton is your-” Roman took a breath. “Patton was our friend. I’m not going to fault you for missing him. Or even still being friends with him.”

“I’m not,” Emile confessed. “He told me that he and Janus were a package deal.”

Roman furrowed his brow and the room must have been depleted of oxygen, but Emile was breathing with no problem. “He... said that?”

“I don’t like to gossip, but-” Emile leaned in forward. They were the only ones to be seen, but he whispered all the same. “Between you and me, I think Janus asked him to choose between him and me. Or us. I haven’t heard a word from Patton since.”

“I’m going to kill him.”

Emile frowned. “I mean, Patton still-”

“Not Patton.”

“Oh.” 

Roman’s heart was pounding against his chest, his blood boiling in his head while his chest froze over. He felt dizzy and his mind was a blur. His thoughts had never had such clarity. 

“I’ll help you hide the body,” Emile whispered. 

Roman let a single laugh escape him. “You spend too much time with Remus.”

“You would know, huh?”

Roman took a long, drawn-out breath. “Tell me about it.” He tried to let the anger out with each exhale. He knew that would never really work, but pretending the scars weren’t there felt like his only option at times. “Speaking of, uh, gossip. Anyone, you have a crush on?”

Emile furrowed his brow. “What are you doing, Roman?”

“Trying to avoid my homework,” he confessed. Trying not to think about Janus. 

“Okay, then you first,” Emile said. “I want something out of this. Who do you have a crush on?” Despite the question, though, Emile looked bored. Like he already knew the answer. 

“I... I don’t think I have a crush on anyone,” Roman said. I don’t think I’m capable of loving. 

Emile’s brow furrowed. “Really?”

Roman shrugged. “It’s not like you choose when to have crushes.” I think Janus broke me. I don’t think I even know what love is. “Now you spill.”

Emile frowned, his gaze falling to the floor. “I’m afraid saying it will make it true,” he said. 

You and me both. 

You’re like my dad

You get on well

“One more month, then one more semester,” Roman repeated to himself over and over like a mantra. “One more month, then one more semester,” he said when he woke up. “One more month, then one more semester,” he told himself on the way to school, on the walk to class, and at every study break, he got. One more month felt like a year. One more semester felt like a lifetime. 

He was spending less time with Remy. He didn’t know if that made things better or worse. He just knew what needed to be done.

...but maybe he’d push that off until after he passed his classes. No use wrecking what little social life he had left until finals were over. 

Every time he waved to Virgil between classes or saw Emile’s latest over-analysis of some cartoon on Tumblr, his heart felt heavier. When he bumped into Remy on his way out of his last class of the day, he was elated. He was going to be sick.

The cycle was dizzying. Roman wanted out. 

But how do you escape a self-fulfilling prophecy? How do you escape yourself?

I send my best regards from hell 

If Roman didn’t die from stress, he’d consider it divine intervention. “Finals and then one more semester,” he told himself. But screw one more semester, finals were hell enough. 

“Coffee?” the waitress asked with a full pot in hand. 

“I think my heart will explode with any more coffee,” Roman said. 

“I think we’ll all take refills,” Remus said. “I’ll tip extra if he explodes.”

Emile patted Roman’s hand in some attempt at a comforting gesture. And it might have worked, if Roman wasn’t immediately focused on how ice cold his fingers were. 

The waitress poured their mugs, leaving only enough room for cream and not a drop more. Emile removed his hand from Roman’s and gripped his ceramic mug. 

“Can you even feel with those?” Roman asked. 

Emile rolled his eyes. 

“I’m serious, dude. There’s like… no blood in there.”

Emile started, “My mom always says-“

“The colder the hands, the warmer the heart?” Remy supplied. “It’s true, you know.”

Emile’s face grew pink with a blush. “No, actually, she told me to do more cardio. Something about cold hands means I don’t get enough blood flow.”

“If we cut open your hand, I think we’d find penguins. And the penguins would be trying to warm themselves,” Roman said. “I’m buying you gloves for Christmas.”

“So has every relative for like eight years straight.”

Roman nodded, pretending to agree. “But consider this. I’m buying you new gloves.”

“Interesting,” Virgil mumbled. He uncapped a pen with his mouth and scribbled something in the margins of his notebook. 

“What is?” Roman asked, furrowing his brow. 

Remus interjected, “Probably the fact that all these study sessions are your idea and you never study shit.”

Roman stuck his tongue out at him.

Remus replied with a single finger.

“Anyway,” Roman said with a large eye roll, “what’s interesting, Virgil?”

“Oh, um.” Virgil’s cheeks grew pink. “That your love language is gift giving. I’m, uh, doing a spreadsheet. For statistics.”

“Strange thing to study,” Remy said monotonously. 

Virgil shot him a glare. “We could choose our topic. I chose love languages.”

“Well, I think it’s a wonderful topic,” Roman said.

Emile nudged Virgil’s arm. “I think that’s a point for ‘words of affirmation’.”

“I think that’s a point for ‘I’m going to shove my foot up your ass’,” Virgil retorted. But he scribbled something on his paper nevertheless and Emile gave a loud snort. 

Roman couldn’t help the smile that tugged upwards at his lips or the simultaneous guilt that tugged downwards at his heart. He loved his friends. He was so certain he was going to lose them. 

Sooner or later.

It always happened.

I never sang for love, I never had a heart to mend.

Roman was sitting in the library. Roman was always sitting in the library. 

But he wasn’t home. He wasn’t sitting with old pillows in that place only they knew. He was sitting by the printing station, so close to the exit but so awkward to leave. 

And maybe that’s why it happened. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he trapped himself and he was jumping through hoops trying to make someone else the villain. But he was sitting at the library. 

“Hello, darling.” 

And so was Janus. 

“What are you doing here?” Roman asked with all the strength he could muster. It was nearly a whisper. He wasn’t even sure he’d made a sound at all.

“I’m a student here,” Janus said very matter-of-factly. “I’m studying.”

“What are you doing here?” Roman repeated. 

Janus crossed one leg over the other. Despite most students wandering around in pajamas or whatever they could find to avoid doing laundry, Janus was still dressed like every class was a fashion show. His black skinny jeans and half-buttoned yellow shirt were the most formal thing for miles. But the gold buckle on his black loafers made him look like a Founding Father. Roman chose to focus on that. It was easier to look at Janus’s flaws than anything else. 

“I simply wanted to catch up,” Janus said. “It’s been so long. How are your classes going? What are your plans for the break?”

Roman could feel his fingernails digging into his skin. His knuckles were turning white. He’d be lucky if his palms didn’t bleed. 

Janus leaned forward, meeting Roman’s gaze no matter how hard he tried to fight it. “I meant it, you know, when I said we would still be friends.”

“And I meant everything I didn’t say after that,” he retorted. “After we broke up, I told you I needed space.”

“And I provided it.”

“Not enough.” Roman’s voice cracked and he hated himself for even the tiniest show of vulnerability. Janus didn’t deserve his weakness. Not anymore. Not ever again. “You- You kept calling me. You sent Patton after me. You didn’t listen! You never listened.”

“Ugh, here we go again with the dramatics.”

“Seriously?” Roman scoffed. “You’re not even listening now and you expect, what, a high five of recognition? You seriously expect to be my friend?”

“It always has to be about you, doesn’t it?”

“Yes,” Roman bit. “Because this is about me. This is about me not wanting to talk to you after we broke up and it’s about me not wanting to talk to you now.”

Janus opened his mouth to speak.

“Ah, I don’t think so. You are going to listen to me when I say this: Go to hell, Janus. And stay the fuck away from me.” He stood up from his chair and swung his bag over his shoulder.

“No wonder no one ever sticks around,” Janus said. “You’re going to die alone, Roman. Do you realize that? You make it so hard for anyone to love you.”  

Roman dodged the printers, making his way out of the library. He held his breath. He wouldn’t let Janus see him cry, nor allow him to hear a single shaking breath. Roman held his composure all the way off campus, finally letting the pieces he’d held tightly fall apart on a street corner downtown. His heart was racing and despite knowing damn well what a panic attack was, he couldn’t calm himself down. He just needed to let it out. 

He didn’t let Janus see him be weak. And he never would ever again. 

Because before the start began, I always saw the end

Yeah, I wait for you to open up, to give yourself to me

They were at that park again. The same storm threatening the skies. The same childhood memories, now with the ghost of that kiss. Roman wiped his eyes. He wanted to relive that kiss. He wanted to do it all over again. 

But, for once in his life, he had to do something on his own terms. Even if that something was breaking his own heart. 

The metal squeaked as they moved back, and forth, and back, and forth, never still but never quite leaving the ground. “Remy, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he said, ripping off the metaphorical bandage. 

The metal squeaked roughly as Remy dragged his shoes through the dirt, forcing himself to stop. “Are you okay?”

No. “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” He took a deep breath. “I guess, you were right. Is all. I know we were never actually dating, but... It was still, I guess, more than I knew how to navigate. And I know there’s someone out there who can be the partner you deserve. Not just the fuck buddy you feel bad for.”

“Roman,” he said, “don’t belittle yourself for me. You were never pity sex.”

“But I was never more than that,” he said, more to convince himself than to remind Remy. “And you’ve always been such a supportive friend, Rem. I think that’s what I need right now.”

Remy stepped off the swings and stood in front of Roman, with his arms open wide. 

Roman jumped off the flimsy metal and wrapped his arms around Remy before he could second guess himself. He rested his chin on his shoulder, staring at the old, plastic playhouse. If he squinted, he could almost see the ghosts. “I saw Janus earlier. We talked.”

“Oh, Roman,” Remy sighed. He hugged him tighter. 

“I hated every second of it.” 

Roman was tired of fighting. He let the tears flow freely. Remy held him steady as the hyperventilation shook him. 

“I’m here for you,” Remy said. He kept repeating it.

Roman almost believed him. 

“I’m here for you.”

But nothing’s ever gonna give, I’ll never set you free

No, I’ll never set you free

Remus was quiet when Roman got home. 

He hadn’t said a word. And Remy promised secrecy. Their affair wasn’t his to tell. 

But everything, the whole week, must have been written on his face. 

Roman hadn’t said a word to his brother, but he stepped into Remus’s arms anyway. 

It almost feels like a joke to play out a part

When you are not the starrin’ role in someone else’s heart

The Barnes Family Christmas Party was a yearly tradition. Roman was convinced Christmas simply couldn’t go on without it. Unfortunately, Roman also had a tradition of negotiating with Lilly on how well she could behave. This year’s deal? She would refrain from killing Virgil if Roman let her orchestrate party games. They eventually settled on one game, set long before any of their parents’ guests would arrive. 

Roman settled on it. It was the first year all of Remus’s friends could actually make it-- and it was the first year that they were Roman’s friends as well. And Roman was determined not to disappoint any of his friends. 

They were all set up in a circle (though Remus and Lilly did some negotiating of their own) with an empty plastic soda bottle in the middle. 

“Can I spin first?” Remus asked with a twisted grin.

“Are you just that eager to use your exception?” Lilly asked, the exception being that rather than kissing whomever the bottle chose, Remus would instead get to slap them with no repercussions. 

“Yes!”

“Then, no,” Lilly said. “Virgil goes first, then we move clockwise.”

Remus groaned. 

The game started. And for the first few rounds, the bottle never landed on Roman. He considered that a miracle. The bottle landed on Remus in one turn, and Virgil’s cheek still had a red handprint on it a few rounds later. 

Roman elected to skip his spin. Lilly looked pissed off. Remy looked understanding. 

The game continued. 

A few more spins and it was Remy’s turn. He spun the bottle and it turned and turned and slowed and slowed and stopped just in front of Roman. 

Roman faked a cough, nudging the plastic with the toe of his shoe, not enough for anyone to notice it had moved, but enough to definitively point one person over. All eyes were on Emile. If he was trying to hide his blush, he was doing a horrible job. 

“You don’t have to,” Remy softly reassured. 

Lilly groaned. “You guys all suck at this game.”

Emile leaned forward, pressing his hand onto the floor next to the bottle and holding himself up as he and Remy kissed in the middle. 

Lilly’s eyes were on Roman, her brow furrowed and a question about to form on her lips. 

Roman looked down at his watch, his timer still had five minutes left. “Oh, shit, I gotta go run to the kitchen. Cookies are done.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. He glanced at Emile and Remy, then at Roman. He softly nodded. 

“Whatever, this was getting boring anyway,” Lilly said. 

“Remus, you got-” Roman started to ask.

“Go prevent that house fire,” Remus said. “Be good for Santa and all that.”

Roman rolled his eyes, but it was only for show. Sometimes, only sometimes, Remus could be good to have around. 

You know I’d rather walk alone

Lilly had left before the party had really started. She hadn’t said why-- at least not to Roman or Remus-- just left a couple of presents and a card sitting under the tree and went home for the rest of the night. 

The rest of the group settled into watching Christmas movies and playing board games they only half paid attention to and never seemed to finish. 

“Hey, Roman, where are your blankets?” Remy asked. “It’s kinda cold-”

“Ugh, fine,” Remus loudly groaned. “Pull my leg off, why don’t you? If you really insist, Remy, I guess I have no choice-”

“What is he doing?” Virgil sighed.

“Just go with it,” Roman told him.

“No choice,” Remus repeated, glaring at his interrupters, “but to give you and only you your present early.”

Remy smiled. “Fine, you caught me. I’m so pushy and all that jazz.”

“You really are,” Remus said. He was a shit actor, but a decent enough comedian. He grabbed a wide, flat box wrapped in black paper with glittery green ribbon from under the Christmas tree and handed it to Remy. 

Remy tore the paper carefully, trying only to open the taped sides. It was obnoxious, Roman reminded himself, so as not to risk finding it adorable. Remy smiled wide as he opened the box. He pulled the fabric out quickly and pulled it over his head in what seemed like an instant. It was a black hoodie with bleached tie dye spirals and a skeletal version of the Starbucks logo over the chest. It was so perfectly the two of them on one item, Roman was almost jealous that Remus had such a knack for gifts.

“I owe you a coffee,” Remy said. 

“Oh, please,” Remus replied, “I’ll just take payment in the form of you telling everyone how great I am.”

“Deal,” he said. 

“You know, Remus,” Virgil butted in, “I wouldn’t mind a present.” He batted his eyelashes cartoonishly. 

Remus threw a blanket that landed on Virgil’s head and covered his face. “Know your place, peasant,” he said. 

Roman pulled down the blanket and Virgil’s hair frizzed in a messy pile. Roman laughed, which became harder to hold as Virgil blushed in embarrassment and tried to look angry. “I’ve got you covered, Hot Topic.”

Virgil forced out a laugh and asked, “You think I’m hot?”

Roman momentarily froze. 

“He thinks you’re emo, dipshit,” Remus said. 

“Oh, yeah, right,” Virgil said at a million words a minute. “Obviously.”

Roman handed him a white box, unwrapped, but it did have a red gift bow and a little paper tag hanging off the side. “It’s, uh, not perfect. I also have a gift card inside in case you don’t like it and-”

“Roman.” Virgil took the box. “Shut up.” 

“Right,” he said abruptly. 

Virgil smiled at him and opened the box, pulling out a purple velvet choker with a spider charm in the middle. Plastic jewel-shaped beads hung off the edges. 

“I made it myself,” Roman said. “I, uh, actually made everyone’s gifts.”

“Show off,” Remus muttered. 

“Don’t listen to him,” Emile said. “I think that’s sweet, Roman.”

I think I’d rather you all tell me to die, he thought. He tried not to fidget as he waited, but the silence as Virgil looked over the gift seemed like enough to kill him. 

“It’s beautiful,” Virgil said, his voice weak. He gently touched Roman’s hand and said, “Thank you.”

“There is also a gift card,” Roman blurted. “For, uh, Hot Topic.”

Remus barked with laughter so hard that Roman swore they’d all go deaf then and there. But somehow, their hearing remained. Which was the real curse, because it meant he’d still have to hear Remus. 

“And, um, Emile.” He grabbed a bag stuffed with tissue paper and passed it across the room. “I found out gloves aren’t super easy to sew.”

Emile pulled out a mitten, the outside made with a fabric covered in cartoon characters. He gasped. “Encanto. Mittens.” 

“I, uh, know you like cartoons,” Roman said. “And buff women.”

“It’s true! I do like those things!” he announced as he pulled the mittens over his hands. 

“Now you’re like Amity,” Virgil said. 

“And, seriously, fix your blood or whatever,” Roman said. “They’re ridiculously cold.”

Emile flapped his mitten-clad hands. “Not anymore,” he sang. 

And Roman was able to breathe. For the rest of the night, he could finally breathe. 

(Rather walk alone)

New year’s eve. The last line of the last page. Roman was ready for a new chapter to begin. 

Florida wasn’t known for cold winters, but there was still a chill in the breeze as it ruffled Roman’s hair. He kept his hands shoved in the pocket of his jacket. A preemptive firework went off somewhere in the distance. 

“So… anyone have any resolutions?” Roman asked. 

“What are you, my grandmother?” Lilly asked. 

“Since when are you so cynical?” Virgil asked. 

“Since you,” she mumbled. 

“I have a resolution,” Emile piped up. “I’m going to try for a four-point-oh on my last semester.”

“That’s a good one,” Roman said. “You should, uh, let me know if you ever want to study together.”

Emile smiled at him. “I’ll hold you to that.”

“I want to fix my sleep schedule,” Remy confessed. “I’m tired of being so… tired.”

Remus quietly said, “I’m going to try going to therapy. Stop letting my intrusive thoughts keep me up at night.” A few of them clapped. Remus rolled his eyes and said, “Drop the bullshit,” but Roman could see it in his eyes that he appreciated the support. 

“I want to be braver,” Virgil said. “Say and do things I wouldn’t have before.”

“And you actually believe you will?” Lilly bit. “Resolutions are complete bullshit. You might as well just accept that it’s a fantasy, Virgil.”

Virgil began to speak. 

“Lilly,” Roman asked, “what’s your fucking problem?”

“All this self-aggrandizing jerk off of a pity party,” she said. “You know just as well as I do they’ll all be crying themselves to sleep over their failures by February.”

Virgil mumbled, “Like you’re so perfect?”

“I am, actually,” she said. “Because I don’t need to pretend some stupid, arbitrary time change is going to have any real impact on-”

“Get out.” 

Lilly turned on her heel. “Excuse me?”

“Get out,” Remus reiterated. “Leave. Begone. Go away.”

Lilly opened her mouth to speak, glancing over to Roman for assistance. 

Roman’s gaze fell to the ground. But Lilly’s look of betrayal would forever be burned into his memory. Lilly stormed off without another word. 

Remus stayed silent, but turned and went inside the house. The door slammed loudly.

No one said a word. For a moment, they were frozen in time. No one spoke. No one dared move a muscle. 

A preemptive firework cracked in the distance, casting red light over them. The only indication that time had continued at all. 

Then play a supportin’ role

If I can’t get the starrin’ role

It was 11:40 pm. Everyone was inside, eagerly watching the tv. Everyone, except for Remus, who was no doubt brooding somewhere by himself. Roman swirled the glass of wine in his hand, watching the sugar rise and settle over and over. The holidays were the one time everyone’s parents let them drink without a care, but this wasn’t a privilege Roman felt he’d really earned. He just felt guilty about all the times he got drunk without their permission. ...and the things he’d said that he could never take back. 

But he took a sip. The wine was sweet and nowhere near as strong as the things he’d downed to try and escape himself. Roman crossed the room and took a seat next to Virgil, whose face was lit white by some screen he was clutching in his hands. Roman looked over Virgil’s shoulder. Some cartoon boy with purple hair was running around with a net in his hand, chasing a butterfly. 

“You’re such a dork,” Roman told him. 

Virgil frowned. “I’ve dealt with enough judgments tonight, thank you.”

Roman rested his chin on Virgil’s shoulder. The cartoon boy had yet to catch the butterfly. “I meant it as a compliment. Most people on New Year’s are slamming shots or making lovey eyes at whoever they’re going to kiss at midnight.”

He pressed a button. The cartoon boy slammed down his net. Just a few pixels off. The butterfly disappeared, uncaught. Virgil sighed, “Yeah, yeah, and I’m playing Animal Crossing. Don’t have anyone to kiss. Not interested in a hangover tomorrow.” Virgil stuck out his tongue and pressed buttons to move through a menu of objects. The cartoon boy pulled a watering can out of thin air and began watering a group of red and purple flowers. “So I just want to make my island pretty. Before we get to the virtual fireworks.”

“You should send me screenshots sometime,” Roman said. “They’d make some nice painting practice.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he mumbled. 

“For what it’s worth, Virgil. I think you’re very brave.”

“You’re just saying that out of guilt,” he said. “I know how guys like you work.”

“I’m saying that because it’s true.”

Virgil glanced over at Roman from the corners of his eyes. 

Roman stood up straight. He raised his glass to take a sip of wine, but instead took a steadying breath and put the glass down on the table. 

Virgil furrowed his brow and put his Switch next to Roman’s wine. 

“You told me things that I didn’t want to hear and you probably knew I wasn’t going to listen,” he said. “That’s brave, Virgil. Saying things even when they won’t always work for you.”

“I’m not brave, I just-” Virgil’s fingers fiddled with the strings of his hoodie. “I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“And I wish I were braver,” Roman said. “So you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. And I wish I’d listened to you all those months ago.”

Someone yelled, “It’s almost time!” 

Virgil’s cheeks were pink. “You never said what your resolution is.”

Roman opened his mouth, about to speak but not before his mom hurried over to them. “Roman, honey, come help me get the champagne ready.”

“I- uh-”

“Now, Roman,” she said. 

Roman stood up and sighed. “We’ll talk later,” he promised Virgil, and he quickly followed his mother to the kitchen. 

“I’ll pour, you start handing out glasses,” she said. 

“Because you don’t trust me not to spill?”

“Exactly,” she said with a smile. “Now go be a good host.”

Roman grabbed two glasses and began handing them out to anyone who came near the kitchen. But he kept thinking about Virgil, sitting alone playing Animal Crossing. I don’t want to be a good host. I want to be a good friend. By the time all the glasses had been passed around, it was 11:58 pm. Virgil was still sitting on the couch, but there was too much of a crowd to make his way over to him. 11:59 pm. The counting had begun. 

Roman pulled out his phone. He typed frantically. He typed out every word that came to his mind: of admiration, of jealousy, and-- yes-- even of guilt. He typed it all out and hit ‘send.’

“Ten!” everyone shouted. 

9...

8...

7...

6... 

Roman’s wine was abandoned, lost in the crowd. He took an early sip of champagne. He squeezed his eyes tightly. He’d forgotten how much he hated champagne. 

3... 2... 1

Everyone cheered. Husbands leaned to kiss their wives. Virgil was certainly watching the virtual fireworks. And Remy was caught up in a kiss with Emile. 

Roman’s stomach twisted in knots. He was happy for them. That was the sour taste of happiness rising in his throat. 

The cheering subsided and Roman grabbed another champagne glass off the counter. He climbed the stairs, moving slowly to maintain balance. His mother was right not to trust him to pour. In the darkened hallway, Remus’s door was easy to find with the faint green of glowing stars stuck to the wood. Roman held both glasses in one hand and slowly opened the door. 

Remus was sitting by the window, watching the fireworks through the mess of trees in their backyard. It wasn’t a good view, but it was quiet. Roman couldn’t fault him for hiding. 

Remus was quiet, only giving Roman a sparring glance before continuing to watch the window. “Close the door behind you,” he said quietly.

Roman pushed the door closed with his foot and kicked off his shoes, letting his feet sink into the carpet. He handed Remus the untouched champagne and sat next to him on the floor. Remus took a sip and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the wall. Fireworks went off in the distance, but Roman could still see the colors through the shadows in the room. Red. And blue. And red. And blue. 

The starring role