#cowards afraid of giving a same-sex relationship an actual chance

[strawmaguchi]

Me @ the wwdits showrunners

[kimnjss]

grand gesture | ksj

⤑  series: sugar free

⤑ genre: angst, rich!jin x artist!reader, college au.

⤑ rating: PG13

⤑ word count: 1.5K

⤑ warnings: there aren’t any, lmao.

⤑ A/N: this is a bit short, but it’s straight to the point and meant to be that way!! just felt like this part worked better written then told through text, so yeah you’ll see what i mean! let me know what you think x

A full week passed. A full week of ignored gifts being dumped on your front porch. You were seriously considering selling them, no desire to collect his half ass-ed apology. This was the exact reason why you were hesitant to get involved with him in the first place. He was exactly like how you thought he'd be.

Of course, he'd approach you on a bet. Of course, this would all be about money. It was all that kid cared about. The way he was flaunting it, trying to buy your forgiveness was proof enough. Did he not get it? Was he that dim?

The only thing that bothered you about this whole situation was the time you wasted hanging around him. All that time you could've used working on projects or perfecting your craft... spent and wasted with the hope of trying to get to know the guy. What a waste.

Despite the constant interruption of a knock at your front door, you had decided that you were going to use all this new free time to concentrate on your art. Summoning all the inspiration you could to create... something. It actually was harder than you thought, feeling unbelievably uninspired and a little bit sad.

From your friends, you had requested they didn't pop in whenever they wanted. Felt like you'd work better if you had a chance to be alone. What you didn't realize was that with all this alone time you really had a chance to evaluate your feelings... what you had been suppressing since that night out with Jin.

It had been obvious to the people around you, but you refused to listen. It was hard to ignore now. You were a bit sad, to be honest. It had been a while since you were able to let go and actually enjoy being around someone... romantically, and you hadn't expected it at first but you really were starting to like him.

Things were comfortable around him, he was funny in a nice way, cared a lot about keeping things light, and actually listened when you ranted about whatever was bugging you at the time. It had only been a few weeks spent with him, two dates in that time but you really enjoyed yourself.

A little bummed that it had to end this way. Couldn't help but wonder if you had overreacted, if you should have listened when he tried to text you about it. Stopped being so stubborn and forgave him like everyone had said that you should. Maybe then you wouldn't be this miserable, suffering from this horrible artist's block, you didn't even know if you were holding your paintbrush correctly.

The welcomed knock on your door had you standing a little too quickly, ready to ditch this blank canvas and see whatever had been sent your way. Nothing came in yesterday and you had assumed he got the hint... hoped he hadn't.

There's an arch in your brow at the lack of delivery man at your front door. With confusion written in your features, you're putting the front door open; eyes landing on a sad-looking Seokjin. He's dressed casually, opposite of the expensive tops and form-fitting jeans he usually put on. Pair of joggers and a plain t-shirt. The change was nice, made him look younger.

He shifted on his feet, hands behind his back eyes trained on his sneakers. You had to fight the smile that pushed it's way onto your lips, happy to see him standing in front of you – but quickly reminding yourself why he had to show up like this in the first place. Main priority was to be strong in this situation, figure out what he was doing here and deal with it. Not swoon and go all heart-eyed just because he showed up.

He should've shown up before all of this.

“What are you doing here? No ridiculously expensive coat to add to the donation pile?” Jin shifts at the sound of your voice, lifting his head to look up at you. He looks sad that you can't help but wonder if you're being a bit mean to him.

Although, him betting on your sex life was pretty mean in itself, right? Getting you to like him just to turn around and make you apart of some sick joke, that's mean.

“N-no, no gifts... they weren't working anyway,” He sighs, arm reaching up to rub at the back of his neck in the awkward way you notice he was always doing. Couldn't believe you had started to find the action cute.

“Yeah, sucks. You can't buy someone's forgiveness,” There's bite in your tone but he doesn't flinch, just looks down nodding his head. “Yeah, I deserve that. I shouldn't have treated this like some business transaction. I hurt you... I should've manned up and came to you.”

You're reading to rip into him again until his words are registering in your mind. Did he come here to... apologize? Eyes blinking as you stare at him, Jin takes your silence as a sign he should continue.

“Yn, I'm sorry. I hate that I fucked with you like that and even more that you're upset. I know you won't forgive me, I'm not expecting you to... I just figured I should at least say it, like for real, you know? We were having a good time together and I really like you, so I owe you at least a proper apology.”

There's a warmth that spreads throughout your body at hearing his words. Not sure if it was from the apology or the fact that he had just told you... to your face, that he liked you. What you had been wanting to hear this entire week was an explanation from him, not through text and not in the form of some designer shoes... like a real explanation. Could see yourself forgiving him if he gave you that.

“Why'd you do it?” Your voice is quieter than you remember as if you're afraid of the reason. Either way, you don't back down. Staring straight at him as if you're strong, waiting to hear what he has to say. “Because I liked you. And I know how stupid that sounds, but I was too chicken shit to do something about it... so I just used the bet as an excuse,”

Jin had said that you didn't have to forgive him, but that didn't stop the hopeful look in his eyes. Watching as you tossed his words around in your head, waiting for that smile of yours to appear as you told him that it was all okay. That you forgave him and if he promised he never did something stupid like this again, you two could go back to falling for each other as you had been before.

It didn't come. Instead, you were just nodding, taking a step back into your house. “Alright, well... thanks for coming here and apologizing.”

“So that's it?” The words are falling from his lips before he has a chance to stop them. Not realizing how expectant they sound, how he had promised himself he wouldn't act that way at this moment because he knew you hated it. “I mean... were you thinking we could, maybe, try again?” You can hear the hope in his voice and you don't miss it.

Did you want to try again? Let him in all over again as he attempted to break down your walls, he had done a pretty good job at it before. Were you ready for all that? All that came with being with him... like actually being with him. Before it had been different, you weren't sure of your feelings then, but now, you knew that you'd want more from him. An actual relationship. Would he even be able to do that?

“Was that what you were hoping for? Why you came by to apologize?” He's shaking his head before the words can fully leave your mouth.

“No, I came here because you deserved a proper apology because I was sick of being a coward about all of this. I want to be with you because... well because you're amazing and I don't want to miss out on that,” He's offering a small smile up to you, one you're returning almost instantly.

Still, there's something holding you back, but you're unable to place it. Needed to figure out what it was before you were leaping into a relationship with the guy. “Could I...? Could I think about it?”

“Yes, yeah!” The smile on his lips grows as he steps off of your porch, mission accomplished. “Take all the time you need to think about it... you can call me when you decide? My numbers the same!” You can't help but laugh at his quick shift of demeanor, the way he basically runs down your driveway before you can change your mind.

You stand and watch the entire time he jogs down the street until he's ducking into his car, and speeding off with a wave out the window. A hand lifts to wave back, heart thudding in your chest as you stepped back into your house. About to give this situation some serious thought... were you really going to be able to handle being with Kim Seokjin?

– rich, spoiled and a bit of a womanizer. but underneath all of that, there’s a heart of gold. and no matter how determined she is to reject him, he won’t stop trying until she sees he’s kinda sweet.

↲ masterlist ↳

taglist: @randomkoalablog​​​ @smoljams​​​ @dee-ehn​​​ @jaiuneamesolitaiire​​​ @lilacdreams-00​​​ @sw33tnight​​​ @bangtansonyeondayyyum​​​ @okblve​​​ @jinhitwhore​​​ @tae165​​​ @hellotherehoneybee​​​ @bangtansbun​​​ @betysotelo18​​​ @cherriigguk​​​ @koostime​​​ @kooinluv​​​ @butterflylion​​​ @kookiesjoonies​​​ @uxwi​​​ @honeyoongles​​​ @imajiningseokjin​​​ @amoreguk​​​ @beeeb05​​​ @tommasauras​​​ @bluefaeriefury​​​ @butterflylion​​​ @withlovestudyblr​​​ @samros95​​​ @korkanswers​​​ @houseofarmanto​​​ @soulstaes​​​ @thesunisup-theskyisblue​​​ @jinsearth​​​ @aizuwusho​​​ @moonb0yy​​ @tan-dulset​​ @8sjaf​​​ @mini-coop25​​​ @marifujioka​​​ @sunskook​​​ @elliemeetsevil​​ @ratking101​​ @leovaldezisfire​​​ @greyaceupyoursleeve​​ @emmy17jane​​

A/N: timestamps are important throughout the fic!! if you want to be added to the taglist, send me an ask! also if you asked to be on the taglist and aren’t on there, it’s because tumblr sometimes doesn’t let me tag ppl for some reason.

[smol-and-grumpy]

Cross My Heart - CH.16

Pairing: Bodyguard!Dean x Reader; Chuck Shurley x Reader

Summary: After opening up a letter, the life as she knows it, changes forever. Her husband hires Dean Winchester to protect her but is Dean really who he said he was? And is her husband really worried about her safety?

Warnings: Flangst

WC: 2759

SERIES MASTERLIST

As soon as they’re back, Dean places the groceries into the kitchen and Y/N was right about her period because it starts to kick in as soon as the stress level wasn’t that high anymore. 

It’s not long before she finds herself cramping up a little so she uses her first tampon and plants herself on the couch, lays her head on the pillow and pulls the blanket up to her chin. 

Dean walks in, grins a little before he scoops her up and sits her on his lap, still with the blanket and all. She curls up above him, presses her face into the crook of his neck. 

“You need anything?”

“Nuh-uh,”

“Nuh-uh?” Dean kisses her temple, and then he whispers, “Okay, I know you’ve been dying to ask. Shoot, I’ll answer all your questions.”

Y/N actually doesn’t really know what she could ask, she doesn’t want to come across as jealous, when that’s actually what she is. 

“The boy looks like you,”

“Yeah, but I can guarantee you that I’m not the father.” Dean’s voice rumbles underneath her. 

“How do you know?” 

He shrugs, his one hand rubs along her thigh over the blanket, “I came back from an eight month deployment. And after two months she told me that she’s pregnant. Turns out she was already four months along, so no, I don’t really think it was possible that I’m the father. Unless she kept one of the condoms in the freezer and kind of houdinied the semen out and injected it into her uterus.”

“You used a condom?” She raises an eyebrow, she’s curious, not because it’s supposed to be a dig at him.

“She insisted we always use one. Because she didn’t trust me and according to her, I could technically be having sex with everyone while I’m over there.”

“Wow,”

Dean lets out a soft chuckle, “Yeah,”

“She wanted you to trust her but she didn’t give you her trust in return?” She looks up at him, his scruff rubs along her forehead before he tilts his head down to look back at her. From this angle, Dean’s has a double chin but he looks cute with it and that again, is not really fucking fair.

“Apparently, trust in a relationship is not a two way street for her.” Dean just shrugs, “It’s in the past. I don’t even know if it was love at that time or just the comfort of having somewhere to stay with, and someone to be comfortable around with without having to pretend and hide. It took a big chunk of burden off my shoulders too, because I couldn’t afford rent and paying for Sam’s education at the same time.”

“You two already lived together?” 

“With her parents,” He says with a chuckle.

“Oh my god,” 

“Her parents were nosy,” Dean’s laughing now, probably thinking back to the memories, “The thing was, we were young, I was maybe too comfortable with what I had, too tired from war to make a change, and that’s why I stayed with her and then when she said that she was pregnant, I kind of rolled with it. I didn’t even think that I ever wanted kids. We never really talked about it. Looking back, I don’t think I did love her and I’m glad that I could walk away from it. I don’t think that I was ever really truly happy with her. And I have proof that she wasn’t really happy with me either. We were two cowards who were too scared of what was out there, and we were afraid to leave our comfort zones.”

“Were you ever truly happy in your life?” It’s not meant as an offense but the more he tells her, the more she gets the impression that Dean’s life was hard. Full of responsibilities and making choices that he shouldn’t make from a young age on. 

“I am,” He smiles a little when he cradles her face with one hand and pushes his thumb under her chin to make her look up at him, “You don't see it, do you?”

“See what?” She frowns a little.

“Baby, you make me happy,” He kisses her nose, “Yeah, there are some minor inconveniences along the way but the truth is, I’m the happiest I’ve been in years when I’m with you.”

“Oh,” She really didn’t know.

Dean chuckles and kisses her and she grins against the kiss. She wonders if he feels it too, feels the butterflies fluttering around in his tummy, feels the stinging in his heart that hurts so good. 

Their kiss gets more heated, gets deeper, and she really wishes that she’s not on her period. But there’s something that pulls both of them back to reality. 

“I think that is really your phone in your pockets,” She jokes, mumbles the words against his lips and Dean chuckles while he pushes her off his lap playfully to take the phone out of his pants. 

He stops and frowns when he looks at the caller ID, shows it to her before he picks it up.

Chuck.

“Mr. Winchester, where the fuck are you?” Chuck’s so loud on the other end. 

“Uh, we moved,” There’s no sir at the end. She can tell that Dean’s sick of pretending.

“I know that. Where did you take my fucking wife?”

Oh, now she’s his fucking wife. 

Dean places a hand on her shoulder, somehow it soothes her. It would feel a lot better if he wouldn’t be shaking himself, though. He’s visibly upset and the crease on his forehead deepens. 

“I took her somewhere safe. Because that’s my job.”

Chuck laughs, it’s loud and mockery, “That’s not your fucking job anymore, is it? I haven’t paid you to do your work for over a week! Now tell me where she is or someone gets hurt.”

They hear someone whimpering, it’s a female voice. She realizes that she knows that voice. 

Oh god, no.

“Why do you want her? It was you wasn’t it? It was you who sent that hitman after us!” Dean growls, his voice is deep, he’s angry. She’s never seen him like this. 

He has Meg, She mouths to Dean and Dean’s frowns some more at that.

“I knew I shouldn’t have hired an ex-marine who left on his own will. I should have gone with an army outcast, someone who’s paid to do what they should and not fucking second guess everything I say!” Chuck snarls, “Look, Winchester, fair trade. You bring her to me and in return, I won’t kill off her best friend, how does that sound?”

“Yes,” Y/N whispers.

“No,” Dean’s voice is louder, it’s a deep growl, it makes her flinch. 

“A life for a life, sounds fair to me!” Chuck says and he must be doing something to Meg because she cries out. It’s a terrible sound. Something hurts inside of her when she hears it. 

“I’ll text you the address and I give you 12 hours, because I know that you’re far away and traffic is a bitch. Don’t even tell me that I don’t give you a fair chance.” Chuck sounds proud, “No police. Just you and me, Winchester. You pull something, she’s dead and I have friend in high places, Winchester, so don’t fucking play with me or I’ll send someone else, every fucking day.”

He hangs up before Dean can even answer.

“No,” Dean says and gets up to pace around in the room. She opens her mouth to say something but he holds out his finger, repeating himself, “Don't even start, the answer is no!”

“But—”

“—I’m not fucking losing you!”

“We have to! He’ll hurt Meg!” She argues and stands up too. 

Dean’s phone pings with a message. It has the address on it and a picture of Meg. She’s been beaten black and blue. 

Y/N feels nauseous and needs to sit down again after seeing that.

Dean moves over quickly to sit down on the chair, typing in the address into google maps, “Okay, we need about six hours to get there. We still have time to form a plan.”

“You’re going to help Meg?” She walks over to stand next to him and then he looks up to her.

“Of course I’ll help Meg,” He pushes his chair back, pulls her into his lap, “I’m not happy about it but I’m helping where I can. She’s important to you and you’re important to me, so.” 

“I’m sorry I pulled you into this.”

Dean sighs, “We’ve been over this, haven’t we?” He says, places his chin on her shoulder as he wraps his arms around her waist, “We’re in this together. And now we need to see how we can all get out of it, Meg included.”

 *

 They arrive at a record shop. It doesn’t look like anything impressive on the outside to be honest, but they found out through google, that it has a recording studio in the back. Of course it would. That’s Chuck for you. He knows that it’s soundproof, he probably rented it out under a false name, either. 

Y/N gets off the bike, takes off her helmet and waits for Dean to do the same. 

He’s standing before her, “Remember what we said, okay?”

She nods.

“And here’s your gun,” Dean hands it to her too, “Just, this time, if you shoot, try to hit what you’re aiming for, alright?” He chuckles but it’s not a light-hearted or funny chuckle, it’s more sinister. 

“Okay,” 

“Right,” Dean takes a step closer, weaves his arm around her waist, pulls her into him, “Try not to get shot at, alright?” 

“And you don’t get dead. Promise?” She stands on her tip toes, their noses touch. 

“Cross my heart,” Dean smiles a little, seals his words with a kiss. 

 *

 She watches Dean leave with a nod.

The plan’s for him to go in first and that they’ll improvise on the rest. 

There was no time to plan anything else ahead because they didn't know what would be waiting for them once they arrived. 

Of course they contacted Benny because Dean hasn’t heard from him yet. But since it’s now a pressing matter, Benny’s doing his best to inform the local authority, and even drives here himself. It would take him longer to get here from wherever he was, she never asked, but Dean’s phone is on standby with Benny and the call is recorded.

The plan was also for her to wait until Benny or the police is here but she can’t because she hears a dull thud and fuck—

—She runs in as fast as she can, almost trips over a stack of records but she keeps on going and pulls the heavy door open, her gun drawn. 

She sees Chuck, and Meg’s next to him on her knees.

“Oh, hey, wifey.” Chuck greets her with a fucking big smile on his face. 

The shot was only a bait to lure her in. Chuck has a gun in hand too and he waves it in her direction. 

“Let Meg go,” She says with the calmest of voice she can muster up. 

Chuck raises his eyebrow, pouts a little, “Where are your manners, Y/N! Say please,”

She looks at Dean and they exchange looks. He’s on edge, is ready to launch forward. There’s so much tension in the air and she doesn’t think that she’s breathing at all. 

With a sigh, she says, “Please,”

“Was that so hard?” Chuck mocks, “I only give Meg to Winchester and you’re coming to me.”

“No,” Dean whispers, it’s faint but she hears it nonetheless. 

Y/N knows that Dean doesn’t want that, but also she wants her friend safe. It’s the only other person in the world who she trusts next to Dean. She loves Meg. Meg was always here, even when she had a hard time herself with her failed business ventures. Y/N was always there for Meg and vise versa. 

Looking at Dean, she nods, and she sees that he doesn’t like it one bit but he nods back. 

“Lower your gun and I will, too.” She tells Chuck and that might be the first time in ages that they agree on something.

Chuck lowers his first, Dean follows and then her. 

“Now Meg,” Dean says, holds out his hands, beckons her over. 

Meg’s still blue in one eye and she walks over, she’s wearing an oversized sweater, something Y/N’s not used to seeing on her. Meg’s always dressed so good. She wonders what happened in the short time that she was away. 

Her friend nods at Y/N in passing, and goes to stand next to Dean who’s a couple of feet away from her. And Y/N turns to nod at Dean one last time, sees Dean nodding back, holding Meg up with an arm around her.

Y/N takes a step closer to Chuck, then another one. 

On her third step, a shot rings in her ear, it makes her jump. She turns around to see the source and sees Dean on the floor.

“Dean!” She calls out, wants to run back but Chuck’s voice interrupts her train of thought. 

“Ah-ah, you stay.” He says calmly and he draws his gun when she sees her drawing hers. 

She looks at Meg, sees that woman smiling. She can’t believe that she’s been played by her best friend, “Why, Meg? Why?” She starts to cry. 

Dean’s grunting, he’s clearly in pain, blood seeps out from his stomach wound. She knows that she has to stop the bleeding but she’s caught between a rock and a goddamn hard place. 

Meg’s smile dies down, “I’m sorry, I really am, Y/N.”

“Did he pressure you into doing this?”

“He offered me a million! Imagine, Y/N! A fucking million! I can start anew! I thought about it long and hard. I love you, I do, but I would also love a new start. You understand, right? I’m sorry but I gotta look out for mysel—”

Meg didn’t get to finish her sentence because Chuck shot her right in her face.

“I never liked her,” Chuck says, “She always talks too much. And she really thinks she’d get away with it.” He scoffs. 

Y/N’s full on sobbing, she can’t stop even if she wants to. “So, you’re going to kill everyone? What are you going to tell them, huh? Three dead people?” She knows that she should get going, that she should help Dean, she knows that time is fucking running out.

“I’ll tell them that I’m a hero. I tried to save you from your crazy friend who wanted to take away everything from you. Not even your bodyguard could help protect you. So it was me, the loving husband who has to rush in,” He pauses for the dramatic effect, “But it was already too late.”

Dean’s still grunting, he’s still alive. Oh thank god. She risks a glance. Dean’s visibly pale, the blood starts to pool. His eyes are on her. 

She nods at Dean and takes a deep breath before looking back to Chuck who has his gun cocked and ready. It’s really now a matter of who shoots first. His finger is tight around the trigger, but hers is, too. 

“Go to hell, Chuck,” She mumbles and pulls the trigger, sees Chuck staggering and losing balance. His gun is still tight in his hand and he pulls the trigger, shooting into the ground before he kneels on one knee. She has shot him in his thigh, right above the knee.

Ready to pull again, a sound of someone barging in stops her, and then, everything happens so fast. Someone’s pointing a gun at Chuck and she sees him raising his hands. Someone has an arm around her, asking her if she’s okay. She hears it faintly, “Ma’am, are you okay? Ma’am, can you hear me?” 

But she can’t, she can’t talk, she can’t hear, she can’t see. 

She needs to get to him. 

Y/N falls on her knees, crawls over the body of Meg to get to Dean. Someone’s already working on his wound. Dean’s face is the palest of pale she’s ever seen in her life. There’s sweat on his forehead and his eyes look empty. But he’s still looking at her. She’s crying, leans her head against his, kisses his cheek, his nose, “Please don’t leave me,” She begs with every fiber of her being. 

CH.17

[let-me-write-shit]

Like We Used To: 29

A/N: This chapter is HEEEAAAVVVVYYYY! It’s a long one, but I’m really proud of it. One more chapter left!!!!

*WARNING*: Mentions of miscarriage! 

[Click Here For Previous Chapters]

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CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

Elizabeth paced her kitchen for an hour, occasionally picking up her phone to reread the TMZ article. ‘Harry Styles on a Romantic Night Out with Ex? We’re confused too’. She tried to reason away the pictures. Maybe it was photoshopped. Maybe it was the angle. Maybe it was the wrong place at the wrong time. Honestly, it could have been. But the fact that Harry didn’t return a single call or text all night made his situation worse. 

She thought back to why Harry was upset with her in the first place; Kyle’s statement to the press. Emotion flooded Elizabeth and she collapsed on the ground, pulling her knees to her chest and balling into her arms. The past year has been one of the hardest years in her whole life, and when Harry showed up, it finally felt like things were falling back into place for her. Everything started to make sense again. She recalled all of the events leading up to Kate’s wedding. The excitement, the confusion, the hurt, the pain, the heartbreak. Her life was turned upside down. 

When Harry was there, she felt like she would be okay. She honestly thought she had finally found the one who could hold her up when things got tough. The one who she could rely on no matter what. She knew that the time apart and the distance between them would be rough, but she thought that it would be her who struggled with it, not him. Yet the second the waters started to get rough, Harry freaked out and acted rashly. Whether he went against Elizabeth’s wishes by hanging out with his ex or not, he shut her out. That’s not the kind of relationship Elizabeth wanted. Not this time.

Elizabeth looked at the time on her phone that read 8:27 AM. She knew that meant that it was only 3:27 AM where Harry was, but she couldn’t wait any longer. She was pissed. She had everything she wanted to say memorized, and she needed to get it off her chest. Furiously she dialed his number. As the phone rang she suddenly got nervous, afraid that he might actually answer. She didn’t know if she’d have the guts to say everything to him directly. She’d rather say it to a machine. Luckily, his voicemail picked up. She held her breath, trying to regulate her heartbeat, directing her to leave a message.

Elizabeth took a deep breath to steady her voice as she spoke, stern but somehow soft at the same time, “Hey. It’s 8:30 in the morning here. I felt like I gave you enough time to cool down. I was hoping you would have called me back last night so we could talk, but you never did. Instead, I woke up to TMZ articles of you and Camille together. At first, I thought I would wait for you to call me so you can explain. It couldn’t be true, could it? But all articles are true, right? That’s what you thought when you read Kyle’s statement in the news yesterday. Except it wasn’t true. Not entirely.”

Her voice began to crack as she continued to explain, her composure deteriorated with each word she spoke, “I was pregnant, Harry. It wasn’t planned. It happened just after Kyle and I got back together. But we were happy. Excited, even. So he proposed to me. Through blood work we found out we were having a boy. We picked a name out. Asher. We weren’t going to tell anyone until I was halfway through. But at 18 weeks, I started bleeding and cramping really badly. I went to the hospital and found out I miscarried. I had to get scheduled surgery to get Asher out of me. Surgical evacuation, they called it. Kyle didn’t come. He said it would be too hard for him. So, I told Kate and she went with me. Two hours. The surgery was only maybe 15 minutes, but I was there for a total of two hours before I went home. Sore and empty. Kyle acted as if nothing happened. Like we didn’t just lose our baby. He didn’t understand how broken I felt. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want him to touch me. I wasn’t ready to have sex yet. So he cheated. And I left. Do you know when our due date was? The day of Kate and Lewis’ wedding. The day I saw you again.”

She couldn’t help it. Tears began to stream down her cheek, reliving the pain all over again. In the back of her mind she regretted leaving this message. She didn’t want Harry to feel guilty for her. She didn’t want him to think she was making excuses. But he needed to know. He needed to understand why she was so hesitant to start dating him. It wasn’t because she was worried about the spotlight, it was because of the trauma she had just gone through, and the lack of support she needed from her previous partner.

Her voice began to tremble as she continued, “I built a wall up after that, but I tore that wall down for you. I let you in. Being with you enabled me to pick myself back up again, piece by piece. I let myself have fun again. I let myself feel normal again. Because of you, I let myself love again. I wasn’t ready to talk about it, but I would have if you gave me the chance to yesterday. Instead, you ran away like a coward and went right to Camille. Now, I don’t know if you cheated on me or not. Maybe I shouldn’t assume, but then again you didn’t give me the luxury of defending myself, so I’m not sure if you deserve a chance.” 

Her voice became more clear. Elizabeth wiped her tears and cleared her voice, feeling more confident in herself. “At the end of the day, you ran. And I’m tired of being in one-sided relationships. I’m tired of being left behind, standing in the dust of the person I care about because they’re scared. And I’m not going to let myself be in that position again. So I’m done. You don’t have to call me back. You don’t have to text me. I don’t want an apology or an explanation. I probably won’t answer if you tried. You can go back to Camille, if that’s what you want. Or don’t. I don’t know. But, I just can’t do this anymore. Thank you for helping me feel like myself again. I love you. I always will.”

Elizabeth ended the call, putting her phone face down on the kitchen island. She planted her palms onto the counter and leaned into it, letting what she had just done sink in. She broke up with Harry. After twelve years of pining over him, she finally got him, and she broke up with him a little over a week later. Typical. 

Elizabeth slowly ascended the stairs towards her bedroom, opening her closet doors and rummaging through the shoe boxes on the top shelf, taking hold of one with a pale blue lid and pulling it out. She took it to the end of her bed and took a deep breath, lifting the lid off and placing it beside her, staring down at the contents in the box. She felt her throat tense up, getting emotional after having not looked at these things for months. She pulled out a ziploc bag with a used pregnancy test in it, two prominent pink lines stained onto the screen. She frowned, pulling out two strips of ultrasound pictures. The first showing a string bean of a baby, shape barely recognizable, and the second showing the little boy’s growth at 16 weeks, features clear as day. She ran her finger along the length of his leg, wiping a tear that had fallen from her cheek. She set it aside before pulling fabric out of the box. A onesie that she had bought when she found out she was having a boy. The front read, ‘I’m new here’. 

Elizabeth frowned, remembering how she was going to tell her friends she was pregnant with that onesie. Instead, she had to tell Kate through a frantic phone call that she was pregnant, but now she needs a ride to the hospital for an appointment because her baby had died, and to please not tell anyone. Eventually she had told her closest friends and family members, but they were respectful enough to not bring it up again. That memory alone was dizzying. Finally, she pulled out the paperwork she had received upon discharge after her surgical evacuation. She took a deep breath and shoved the contents back into the box, quickly pushing it to the back of her closet. It was time for her to get to work. There was no use in moping.

Instead of working from her home office today, Elizabeth decided to work on her balcony. It was a chilly day, but at least the sun was out to warm up her face. She nuzzled in her blanket and clicked away on the keyboard. However, as the day progressed, her mind wandered often, anxious about the voicemail she left Harry. She wondered when he would wake up. Wondered if Camille was in the bed with him right now. Was he happy? Was he a mess like she was? Would he listen to the voicemail? Would he feel bad? Or upset? Or not care? She doubted that he wouldn’t care. Harry may be many things, but unempathetic was not one of them. 

She skipped lunch, ignoring the signs of obvious hunger as her stomach growled and cramped, continuing her work. The loud chimes of her ringtone startled her, heart lurching as she flipped her phone to see that Harry was calling her. She stared at it for a minute, thumb hovering over the green answer button, before sending him to voicemail and setting her phone down, continuing her work. A second later her phone rang again. Harry. Once again she sent it to voicemail. On the third time he called, she just turned her ringer off, set her phone on silent, and turned it over.

Curious to what he had to say, she knew it was best to put him behind her. At least for now. She didn’t know if she could handle whatever it was he had to say, and she just needed time to herself. Still, she cracked a smile at the thought of Harry trying to get a hold of her so desperately, feeling the vibrations of her phone every time he attempted to call or text her. To her, it showed that he still cared. At least that’s what she hoped, as she was too afraid to turn her phone around to read any of the texts or listen to any of the voicemails. As curious as she was, she wanted to refrain. 

By the time the sun had set and Elizabeth could no longer ignore her hunger anymore, she made her way back inside to fix herself a plate of spaghetti and collapsed on her couch, turning on ‘Always Be My Maybe’. The presence of her phone’s existence occupying her back pocket nagged at her until she gave in, shoving her bowl on the coffee table and pulling it out. Her eyes widened. 47 missed calls, 23 missed text messages, and 5 voicemails. 

As she skimmed through she realized that, although Harry had left most of the messages, she had also gotten some from her friends and family. Harry must have reached out to a few people because Kate, Matt, and Lewis had texted her to see if she was alright, expressing their worry, and asking for her to call them back. She shot them quick texts saying that she was find and that she would call them tomorrow before reading the messages from her sister who hadn’t been reached out to, but texted to let her know that she had seen both articles about Kyle and about Harry and was checking in to see if she was okay and to talk about it. She even got a text from Anne who had told her to hold her head high and that she wasn’t sure what was going on, but would be there for her if she needed it. Elizabeth frowned, realizing that she probably didn’t know that she had just broken up with her son a few hours ago. The most recent texts she got were from Sarah and Mitch who had texted her 20 minutes ago saying that they just landed and that they were on their way to the rehearsal space and they would try and talk to Harry when they saw him. Poor things didn’t know what was going on, either, as they were on a 9 hour flight to New York.

She hovered over Harry’s texts, of which there were 13. The most recent saying ‘I’m on my way to rehearsal, so if I don’t…..” the rest being cut off from display as the text was too long.

Elizabeth debated on clicking it to read all of his texts, but again, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead, she turned her phone off and continued watching the movie, shoving her face into her food and letting her feel sad for herself for the first time today.

Thursday almost seemed to drag. She had continued to get calls and texts from Harry, which she subsequently ignored. This prompted an onslaught of texts from Mitch, Sarah, and even Jeffrey begging her to call him and just give him a second to explain. That it wasn’t what it looked like. Honestly, hearing that made her start to feel guilty, second guessing if she was doing the right thing. But she needed to stay strong. To prove to herself that she didn’t need to be in a relationship to feel whole.

For dinner, Elizabeth visited her neighbor, Judy. Of course the first thing she asked was where Harry was. She filled her in on the jist of things, not wanting to go into too much detail. It was the first time Judy didn’t make a joke of anything, simply telling her, “If your heart has wanted him for this long, it’ll never stop wanting him. Make sure you can live with that if you’re going to walk out.” The seriousness of her voice and the words she spoke lingered in the middle of Elizabeth’s chest for hours, but her pride was too strong to give in just yet.

Elizabeth explained to Kate, Lewis, and Matt what had happened and why they would no longer be flying to New York on Friday. If they were upset about it, they did their best to hide it from her and instead, they made plans to have a sleepover at Kate and Lewis’ house. Nothing like a night full of booze, movies, and party games.

And that’s exactly what they did. She headed straight from her work’s office to Kate’s house with the three of them already there, waiting. There was no build up, chit-chatting, or consoling. The second she walked in the door and dropped her overnight bag, her friends screamed and bombarded her with shots. She laughed again. For the first time in days, her mind was distracted. They stayed up until 2 AM, the drinks all gone, cards and game pieces scattered on the carpet, Elizabeth falling asleep on the couch to a movie with her feet propped on Matt’s lap.

The next day, everyone was woken up by a knock on the door. Elizabeth stirred, seeing Lewis stumble by before wiping the sleep out of her eyes and squinting at her phone as the sun shone brightly through the curtains. 12:13 PM. How could they sleep until noon? Familiar soft voices were heard by the landing before the sound of a door shutting echoed and Lewis walked back in carrying about 12 stacks of chubby little paper folders.

“Who was that?” Kate muttered, sitting up from the other side of the couch. Elizabeth kicked Matt awake, and sat up, cross legged, yawning.

“Your sister,” Lewis said to his wife, handing her half of the stacks, “She was driving by on her way back home and wanted to drop these off. It’s the pictures from the disposable cameras at our wedding.”

“No way!” Kate exclaimed, the excitement making Matt and Elizabeth grin as she shuffled through the stack. Kate’s eyes flickered, looking up at Elizabeth, “Heather wrote ‘For Harry’ on this one.”

Elizabeth frowned, reality hitting her. They would have been in New York right now if she hadn’t broken up with Harry. She outstretched a hand to reach for it and Kate passed it over. When she opened the stack, the first thing she saw was a picture of his chubby 14 year old face, laughing with Jimmy and Lewis. She flipped through, realizing that these were the old pictures from Kate’s photo album that he had asked her to make copies of. But as she neared the back, she recognized more recent photos from the wedding and their weekend at the manor.

She saw a picture of Elizabeth dancing with Edward at the reception. Harry could be seen off to the side with Kate and Celeste, smiling at her. Elizabeth’s smile grew as she continued to flip through the photos, laughing at some of the goofier photos, before landing on one that caught her attention. The picture was taken from a bit of a distance, but the image was still extremely clear for it being from a disposable. Harry and Elizabeth were the only ones in the lake, sitting with their butts in the inner tube. Harry was holding onto Elizabeth’s float so that she wouldn’t drift away. Her head was tilted back, eyes closed as the sun beamed on her chest. And Harry sat there, eyes covered by sunglasses, smiling at her. 

Elizabeth remembered that moment clearly, remembering that was the moment that she had realized she still liked Harry. She remembered Harry telling her that this was the moment that sparked the lyrics for one of the songs he wrote about her, ‘There’s No Way’. She felt an empty pit form in his stomach, looking up at her friends in realization.

Matt and Lewis furrowed their eyebrows in confusion, but Kate’s eyes lit up, understandingly, as she softly asked, “Are we going?”

“Let me take a quick shower!” Elizabeth exclaimed, bolting up the steps of her friend’s house as Kate was left to explain what was going on to the two clueless boys. She had messed up. Judy was right. She wasn’t willing to live without herself if she had just given up on Harry. She wanted to fight for him.

The drive to the airport seemed almost frenzied as the four friends rifled through their small duffel bags, trying to figure out what they had forgotten to bring, as they had packed so hastily, and making sure they had all of their ID’s, passports, and credit cards within easy access. Once at the airport, they immediately headed to the check-in counter to buy their tickets. The next flight out would be boarding in 20 minutes and would be landing in New York at 8:30 PM if there were no delays. But their gate was all the way at the other end of the airport. They quickly purchased the tickets and bounded towards TSA. The line was quicker than normal, but they had no time to waste as it had taken 15 minutes to go through and they overheard their gate being called for boarding. 

They dashed through the airport, zigzagging in and out of groups of people. Their gate was in sight, and Elizabeth got a second wind, speeding up as they called for final boarding. The four friends panted, reaching the doors as the flight attendant smiled sweetly at them, scanning their tickets.

“Have a great time,” she called to them as they calmly walked down the hall towards the airplane.

Elizabeth glanced at her seat number once more, parading down an aisle of the huge double rowed plane, finding her seat towards the middle. It was a fairly packed flight which was why it was so surprising that Matt had landed a seat next to her, although Kate and Lewis were assigned seats further down the aisle. They tucked their bags in the overhead compartment and took their seats, catching their breath.

Her anxiousness grew as the plane began to reverse out of the terminal, grabbing onto Matt’s hand. She hated the departure, and her nerves about the whole situation didn’t help. Matt squeezed her hand to calm her until they were in the air and Elizabeth felt like she could breathe again. She suddenly remembered all of the unread texts she had gotten from Harry over the past couple days and decided that she should probably read them now.

Her hands shook, as she read text after text. ‘Baby please pick up’, ‘Please don’t do this. Let me explain’, ‘I love you. It’s not what it looks like’, ‘It was a coincidence you have to believe me’, ‘Camille and her friends are staying in the same hotel as me. We just happened to get back at the same time. You can see her friends in the picture walking into the hotel a little ahead of her’, ‘Please, Lizzy, I promise I didn’t cheat on you. I would never’, ‘I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. I was a stupid. I should have listened to you. I didn’t know. I just need to hear your voice, please.’ And many more desperate pleas. 

Towards the end he texted less and less, but the sadness and desperation still evident in the messages. ‘I sent Jeffrey to the airport just in case you changed your mind and decided to come anyway. I really hope you did.’ ‘I guess you aren’t coming. I love you baby. Goodnight.’ ‘Goodmorning. My show’s tonight. I miss you. I’m sorry.’.

Her heart sank, full of regret that she hadn’t read his messages earlier. The last thing she wanted was to break his heart. And she realized she did exactly what she was pissed off at Harry for doing; ran away like a coward. How would she make up for it? Was all of this too little too late? It was worth a shot.

The 9 hour flight felt more like 48 as their plane descended into the airport. Although it was nearly 9 PM, the city lights illuminated the sky so brightly, at first glance it looked like mid day. The four friends grouped together as soon as they got into the terminal and briskly walked through the airport towards arrivals as Lewis requested an Uber, thankful that they didn’t need to check their bags in the first place. It took all of 6 minutes for their uber to meet them, and they headed straight for the arena that Harry would be playing. A 30 minute journey. By her calculations, Harry would be nearing the end of his performance by the time they would have gotten there.

People still crowded the entrance of the arena, Harry’s voice carrying through the street from how loud the speakers were. Elizabeth bound up to the ticket taker with her friends behind her, explaining who she was and that she didn’t have tickets but they needed to get inside. He laughed at her. 15 minutes of the four of them arguing and security being called, it was no use. They stepped away, pulling their duffel bags further onto their shoulder.

“Why don’t you just call him?” Matt asked.

Kate scoffed, “Because, in case you couldn’t hear, he’s currently singing to thousands of people at the moment.” she slapped Matt, earning a laugh from Lewis.

Elizabeth thought, talking to herself, “Yeah….but….maybe Jeffrey?”

She quickly pulled out her phone, dialing Jeffrey’s number, bouncing on her toes with anxiousness. It rang four times before he picked up, screams blaring through his end of the line. “Lizzy?!” he shouted.

“Jeffrey! Oh, thank god! I’m here, and I’m trying to get in, but….”

“Hello?” He hollered back, cutting her off, “Lizzy? I can’t hear you!”

“Can you hear me?!” she shouted back.

“It’s too loud! I can’t hear you.”

“I’ll text you!” she responded, hanging up the phone. She silently begged that he could hear that last part as she frantically typed him a message, ‘I’m out front with Kate, Lewis, and Matt. Security won’t let us in. Please help!’

The four of them stared at her phone, hoping that he saw it. Three little dots appeared as he typed a response. And a simple ‘on my way’ appeared. They sighed, a huge wave of relief washing over them. Elizabeth bent down, digging through her bag and pulling out a thin piece of paper, gripping it carefully in her hands. Five minutes passed before the front doors opened and Jeffrey walked out, two large, burly security guards behind him.

“Lizzy!” He called, waving the four of them over.

The four friends dashed over to him. Matt shot the ticket taker and the security guard that he had called over a nasty look, flipping them the middle finger and following Jeffrey inside. Jeffrey pulled Elizabeth into a tight squeeze as they were escorted towards a ‘staff only’ door, walking down hallways towards the back rooms and side stage to avoid the crowds.

“Thank god you showed,” Jeffrey exclaimed, “Harry’s been a mess. Look I know what that photo looked like, but I was actually with him and he didn’t…”

“I know,” Elizabeth grinned, patting Jeffrey on the arm, “Don’t worry, I know.”

He shook his head, pursing his lips before saying, “He’s on stage right now, but we can take you to the side stage behind the curtains so he could at least see you’re here.”

“Perfect,” she agreed, turning to Kate and grabbing her hand.

Kate squeezed her reassuringly and Elizabeth looked at the boys who’s eyes wandered around, taking everything in. She grinned at their amazement. Harry’s singing voice became louder and louder as they got closer. They rounded a corner and Jeffrey allowed them to set their bags against a wall before they climbed up a pair of rickety metal stairs, the stage coming into view. Sarah was the first person they saw, banging away on the drums. Mitch was the next, just barely swaying from side to side as he played. Charlotte was just barely out of view and she could see Adam and Ny on the other side of the stage. They all seemed to be in halloween costumes, dressed as ghost busters. 

Jeffrey and the four friends inched closer to the side, finally able to see the back of Harry, Elizabeth’s heart pounding in her chest. The first few rows were visible from the stage lights and her eyes wandered to the VIP section, instantly noticing Camille, swaying along to the music with her friends. This time, she didn’t feel annoyance or jealousy, but indifference; she didn’t care. She felt eyes on her, and her attention snapped back to Sarah who was looking straight at her, eyes wide and smiling broadly.

“Hi!” Elizabeth mouthed, waving shyly.

She shook her head, laughing, “Hi!”

Mitch must have noticed because he turned to see what Sarah was looking at and grinned, his chest jolting from a small chuckle, nodding at her appearance before turning straight ahead as Sarah beat the hell out of the drums, the song finishing. The crowd screamed in the silence and she could hear Mitch’s voice. 

“Harry!” his soft voice called.

Elizabeth watched as Harry looked up at his friend while taking a swig of water. Mitch’s head nodded in the direction of the side of the sage and a subtle finger pointed towards her. Harry’s attention traveled past him and his eyes landed on hers. He stiffened up a bit, clearly shocked, but also very obviously happy. Elizabeth waved the paper she held in her hands at him and he looked from her, to the crowd, back to her before quickly jogging over. A few concerned crew members started shouting at him to go back on stage, but Harry ignored them at first.

“You came! I’m so sorry!” he rushed, muttering words as Elizabeth tried to quiet him, feeling the frustration from the crew members grow the longer he stayed off stage.

Elizabeth smiled, forcing the paper in his hands, “It’s okay,” she reassured as he looked down, seeing the picture of the two of them sitting on the floats in the lake. He looked up as she said, “Go on. I’ll be here when you’re done. Go!” She pushed him back towards the stage.

He smiled back at her, glancing back down at the picture before shoving it into a pocket of his costume. “Sorry, I saw a ghost that needed busting,” he joked to the crowd, an eruption of screams and laughter filled the stadium. He turned towards the band and mouthed something, everyone nodding their approval and understanding as he faced the crowd again, “So, this next song I want to sing for you is off of my new album. It’s very special to me, I hope you like it. It’s called ‘Brown Eyed Lover’.”

Harry turned and winked at her as the band sang a few lines of ‘waiting’. Sarah banged on the drums and the music started. Harry’s voice bouncing off the walls.

Waiting Waiting Waiting

I've got a brown-eyed lover On the other side of town I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting) She's got me upside tongue-tied Twisted all around I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting)

Well, I don't know I can't tell Will this last Or just come and go? It came so fast And my feet feel cold But my mind is for sure And my heart remains

Oh, she's got everything you want Wardrobe bought at the thrift shop And all my friends adore her She reminds me of my mother She wonders how my day went And don't care about my paychecks Well, I don't wanna keep my baby waiting

I've got a brown-eyed lover On the other side of town I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting) She's got me upside tongue-tied Twisted all around I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting)

Oh, let me think What if she finds a man Who's got so much more time For her than me on his hands? That don't make sense Why would she wait so long Just to run away?

Oh, she's got everything you want Let's me pick the restaurants And all my friends adore her And I can still afford her She wishes I'd stop worrying About where my next paycheck is Well, I don't wanna keep my baby waiting

I've got a brown-eyed lover On the other side of town I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting) She's got me upside tongue-tied Twisted all around I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting)

I've got a brown-eyed lover On the other side of town I don't wanna keep her waiting, ye (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting) She's got me upside tongue-tied Twisted all around I don't wanna keep her waiting I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting) I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting) I don't wanna keep her waiting (I don't wanna keep her waiting, waiting) I don't wanna keep her waiting

Harry’s voice died out with the symbols and the crowd screamed wildly, jumping with excitement. He glanced to the side where she stood, smiling from ear to ear. Quickly, he ran over and planted a kiss on her lips, salty from all the sweat that was dripping down his face. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

She giggled, “I love you, too,” kissing him and pushing him back onto the stage to finish his set before she got yelled at by any more crew members. 

KEEP READING

[iihappydaysii]

Jamie is attracted to Lord John, which makes him very confused and angry, in this essay I will… okay, but I’m actually going to write this essay, so buckle up.

Last night, I read Jamie talking to the others at Castle Leoch in Outlander about his experiences as a teenager with the Duke of Sandringham. First of all, the duke is disgusting and needs a very swift kick to the balls—but even so, Jamie doesn’t take the duke so seriously. He finds an amount of humor in it, even if it’s in part just how he’s chosen to deal with it. Also, Jamie is surrounded by men that, though they’re far from “allies”, they’re not being particularly hateful about it. Of course, all of this discussion occurs before the rape and torture Jamie experiences from Black Jack Randall. This filled in a piece of what I’ve been trying to understand about Jamie’s relationship with Lord John.

Before Lord John, the Duke and Black Jack are Jamie’s experience with—I strongly hesitate to say gay men—but Jamie sees a connection between these three men based on their attractions to men, however disturbingly they present in the Duke and Black Jack. The Duke preys it seems to be exclusively or near exclusively on young men. Claire upon meeting him says that it’s all the boys under eighteen that seem wary of him, as they’ve been warned (I’m increasingly glad that as far as we know the Duke got nowhere near young Lord John). Of course, we have Black Jack who is an 18th century version of a serial rapist/serial killer. Jamie experiences a horrific trauma at his hands. Not only did he rape and hurt Jamie physically and very, very seriously, he also found ways to make Jamie find pleasure in it. And thinking of Jamie’s casual reaction to the Duke’s inappropriate advances, it makes me think Jamie’s particular reaction to this form of torture isn’t based on a simple baseline homophobia.

A) Jamie feels guilt for getting “pleasure” out of it because he’s married and faithful to Claire. Also, how could she ever love him if he did (his thoughts)? B) What does it say about him that he could find any kind of release/pleasure at the hands of such a horrific man and in the midst of an incredible amount of pain? C) Later, after the rape and torture, if he experiences any attraction towards a man—as it seems he might towards John, I’ll explain more later—how can he ever know if those feelings only exist because of Black Jack? And, even if he can parse that out, he can’t stomach the thought that he shares anything in common with the Duke or his rapist.

Enter Lord John Grey. Jamie likes him, despite the fact that he’s the Governor of the Ardsmuir Prison, despite the fact that he once tried to kill Jamie. At first, there’s mistrust and contempt there, but eventually, they grow to like and respect each other and enjoy time spent in each other’s company. Dining together, swapping stories and playing chess. Given Jamie’s strong reaction to John’s simple touch to his hand (a death threat, followed by basically years of contempt). If Black Jack had never happened, I think, at worst, he would’ve given an 18th century “Sorry, man. I don’t swing that way.” John would’ve apologized and that would’ve been that. Jamie knows John is no real threat to him. Jamie has little that can be leveraged against him, as Black Jack was able to leverage Claire against him. Our sweet David Berry gives us a false impression of the size difference between Jamie and Lord John. He’s near a foot taller and physically dwarfs John. Not to mention, in the show, Jamie says defiantly to John (before their friendship) that he can do his best to torture him but there’s nothing he can do that hasn’t already been done. He doesn’t seem particularly afraid.

I’ve mentioned this before, but its mentioned in the Lord John series that John is actually pretty good at figuring out who’s into dudes and who isn’t. He’d have to be to survive long, doing what he does, especially as he doesn’t go to the brothels. He ‘gets it wrong’ with Jamie and it’s likely a mix between wishful thinking/strong feelings and simple misinterpretation, but John is smart and he senses something. So he acts on it in as gentle a way as possible (not knowing anything of what happened to Jamie with Black Jack, he won’t realize Jamie has been raped at all until he guesses it in that painful scene in BOTB, which I’ll discuss in a moment. Firstly though I want to mention some things that come later that relate to suggestion that Jamie is attracted to John in some way, beyond John believing so enough that he takes such a large risk. For one, Claire will end up sensing something between John and Jamie, enough that it bothers her and she recognizes it for what it is, at least what it is for John. For two, we know there’s a connection between violence and sex for Jamie, we can see it in how he is ‘in bed’ with Claire. Anytime John’s attraction to Jamie gets brought up, he responds violently, despite John not being any actual threat to him—something he knows for certain by the time John is saying “We were both fucking you”—and yet, how does he react then? Violence. (I can’t fuck you, so I’ll hit you. Two sides of the same coin for Jamie.)

Later, he’ll even admit to Claire that when he was falling apart after William was born that it was John who was able to put him back together again, and that he’s angry about it. He’s angry that John can touch his heart in that way.

Anyway, let’s rewind a bit, so we can discuss why exactly Jamie would be so angry about any possible attraction to John based on how he sees gay men (and how he believes he’d have to see himself if he were to accept the way John is able to make him feel).

The scene where John comes to Jamie for help figuring out what to do about Percy’s impending trial is where we can see this issue most clearly laid out. First of all, Jamie has a VERY strong reaction to realizing Percy was John’s lover.

I can’t in honor see him hanged for a crime whose guilt I share—and from whose consequences I am escaped by chance alone.

This is all it takes for Jamie to realize that Percy is John’s lover. Though John doesn’t directly state that, Jamie senses it, is smart enough to figure it out—and does not react well. (Also, the word Jamie uses is ‘catamite’, which is a term from ancient Rome and Greece that means ‘a boy kept for homosexual practices—and John corrects him to lover).

They begin to argue it at this point, basically the concept of whether or not men can be lovers. Jamie, whose experience is limited to the Duke and Black Jack, knows intimately that what those men experienced was not love, but selfishness and power trip to varying degrees. He’s projected that on to all men who experience attraction to men—a burden he would have to hang around his own neck as well—if he were to feel a similar (as maybe he did when John touched his hand in Ardsmuir… in that moment, before he pulled away.)

Only men who lack the ability to possess a woman or cowards who fear them—must resort to such feeble indecencies to relieve their lusts.

It’s an attempt to goad John, to insult him. It doesn’t particularly work as Lord John doesn’t possess any great deal of shame around his being gay and knows that isn’t true. He’s not afraid of women and could most certainly possess one if he wanted to. John doesn’t take the bait as intended and deflects to talking about love. What do you think love is?

He needs to keep his love for Claire separate from anything he could or could not feel for John and Jamie goes on to speak of one of his other experiences with gay men, though John doesn’t know that this relates to an exact experience (this can also relate to Black Jack because of Fergus). But I think Jamie, at this point, is pretty certain that John is no Black Jack. His negative reaction to Jamie (in a sense) forcing John to whip him Ardsmuir was a good example to him that John doesn’t get pleasure out of that. But still, if John has this attraction to men in common with Black Jack and the Duke, he must have others, right? So, he turns to accusing John of ‘preying upon helpless boys’.

Lord John threatens to physically fight him for that comment, which is very fair. It’s a horrible and gross accusation that he absolutely does not deserve in any way.

Jamie’s reaction to this is interesting. Armed or no, ye canna master me.

Of course, this is when John says something really motherfucking dumb without realizing the implications because he doesn’t know Jamie’s history of trauma.

I tell you sir—were I to take you to my bed—I could make you scream and by God, I would do it.

This conversation goes all to hell because John thinks he’s arguing against homophobia and what he’s really arguing against are fundamental beliefs Jamie now holds to protect himself against his trauma and any feelings he may or may not have for John. (and it just must really suck to be in love with someone who thinks such terrible things of you, through not fault of your own).

(Also a quick aside about Grey wanking after this, like it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of a sense in reality. Especially as we know Grey will be very angry about this conversation for a long time after. However, in a literary sense it goes to reflect that idea of violence as sex or violence as a way to express sexual attraction. If Jamie’s release of the sexual tension of that scene was the punch, John’s was this.)

Of course, they’ll rebuild their friendship slowly, over the years at Helwater and in Scotland. Enough so that Jamie will gift John with one of his most precious things—his son William. This time will end with an offer of his body in exchange for John to care for William (though it is a test to make certain John’s not a creep and if he is Jamie plans to kill him). John, of course, turns Jamie down because as Jamie will later say to Claire, “he would not take counterfeit for true coin”. This is the moment where Jamie separates John from Black Jack and the Duke. And, at least for a moment, is able to separate himself from them too. Enough that he does something he does not have to do, that there’s no real reason for him to do, he kisses John.

Grey felt the big hands warm on the skin of his face, light and strong as the brush of an eagle’s feather, and then Jamie Fraser’s soft wide mouth touched his own. There was a fleeting impression of tenderness and strength held in check, the faint taste of ale and fresh-baked bread. Then it was gone, and Grey stood blinking in the brilliant sun.

[13rwbabes]

Montgomery x Reader Imagine (Part 18/?)

MASTERLIST

So um yeah, I know, I've been MIA for sooo long, I can't even remember when was the last time I posted (was if 2018 or 2017?lol) I wish I could give a good, reasonable explanation, but I can't really... I haven’t been much on tumblr in general, when I thought about writing I wasn't "feeling it". But lately, about three months after I got new phone I downloaded tumblr again and was really surprised to see people are still reading this, asking for next part and I was like whaaaat. Then on YouTube I watched some scenes from 3 season of 13 reasons, it reminded me what a cutie Timothy Granaderos is and I kind of wanted to start again. Another factor that pushed me to writing again is that at the moment life is a little overwhelming for me and it let's me zone out from everything. So here it is, part 18 if anyone is still interested lol It's not the best chapter I could imagine, especially for a come back but I promise, they will actually interact again in next one (btw I fixed my masterlist link)

Also this time I made sure I'm not suddenly gonna go MIA again and that I'm really prepared, next2 chapters are almost done :) I also think that in general this fanfic will be done in next 10(?) chapters, because I'm running out of ideas lol

IMPORTANT NOTE: I haven't watched seasons 2&3 but I'm familiar with what is going on. I know things Montgomery did is S2, I know how his story was shown in S3 but... This is my fanfic. This is like an alternate universe where Monty is straight and didn't raped anyone with a mop, okay?

***

"An intervention?", I chuckled. "I don't need any intervention."

"Yes, you do", Sheri said. "You are so smart and so intelligent, but you are such an idiot when it comes to your feelings."

"We spoke to Monty", Zach added.

"Oh, and what did he tell you?", I asked and crossed my arms on my chest. I was faking confidence but inside I was shaking. Did he tell them everything? Would the do that even though he promised he would keep it a secret?

"Everything", Justin said. "You can't skip school forever, Y/N."

"I have doctor's note, my wrist hurts", I shrugged. "Why are you here instead of school, that's real question."

"Priorities. We talked to Monty before he went home and we decided we have to do something and we have to do it now, because you are too scared and too stubborn and Montgomery is too insecure", Jessica said as she sat down on couch and patted place next to her, "So now, sit down and talk."

"Interesting, many words that I could use to describe Monty come to my mind, but insecure is not one of them", I said sitting down.

"He's insecure when it comes to you", Sheri said.

"Well, she did everything in her power to make him feel like that", Justin mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"He told us everything. About the thing you two had. And how you always said he's not good enough for you."

"Oh wow", I chuckled. "Okay, fine, we were hooking up last year, but I have never said things like that to him. I ended things so now he's tryna make me look like the bad guy here".

"Okay, so tell me", Justin took chair sat on it backwards in front of me, "was he taking care of you?", his tone was sharp and others didn't dare to interrupt him.

"What do you mean?", I asked, but I felt where this conversation was going.

"For example, who took you to the hospital when you got allergic reaction?".

"Monty and you know that, you were there when it happened", I rolled my eyes.

"Who came here and checked on you later that day?"

"Montgomery".

"Who walked you to the nurse and then drove to hospital when you broke your wrist?"

"Monty".

"Who stood up for you when that dickhead Sean showed up at Bryce's Halloween party?"

"All of you actually", I smiled, I knew what he meant but I wanted to annoy him.

"You know what I mean", he said through clenched teeth.

"Okay, yes, Montgomery was next to me all night to make sure Sean didn't bother me."

"And didn't he put you to sleep when you got wasted and didn't get advantage of you because you was so drunk even though you begged to get laid?".

"What?"

"Just stop fucking lie, Y/N", Justin sighed.

"Okay, yes, he put me to sleep and did not want to have sex with me because I was so drunk, I wouldn't call that begging to get laid".

"You really don't see this?", Sheri asked.

"See what?", I asked harshly.

"How much he cares about", she said quietly.

"What did he do when you told him your period was late?", Justin continued his 20 questions.

"He told you about that?!", I stood up.

"Yes, as we said, he told everything", Zach told.

"So what did he do?", Justin asked.

"He... Told me to stay and went to drugstore and got back with few pregnancy tests."

"Quite nice that he took care of everything", Justin chuckled.

"Okay, what is your point?", I was getting slowly irritated.

"He cares about you", all four of them yelled.

"If he cares about me, why did he started dating Tina, the second after I called things off?", at this point I was almost crying.

"Because you called it off suddenly out of nowhere and also because he is a bit dumb, like most of us", Jessica said.

"I called it off because I started having feelings for him", I said. "So I wanted some distance before I would get hurt", I shrugged.

"Why do you assume you would get hurt?"

"Because... It was supposed to be fuck buddies thing. That's what he wanted. There's no place for feelings".

"So are you saying that he literally called you the greatest girl he knows, only because of sex?", Justin asked.

"I know you don't agree, but he got in this fight with Alex today in your cause, because of that stupid list. I know, it's not what you wanted, you didn't asked for this and he usually does before he thinks but... he tries", Zach said.

"He changed. Everyone see it. Yes, he fought Alex today, but stop being blind and think about his behaviour last month or two...", Jessica added.

"I'm just... scared. What if I make a move and it won't work?", I said and swiped off single tear that streamed down my face.

"Honey", Jess hugged me. "But what if it does? He's speaks so highly about you. Even today after you had a fight at school, but he's miserable because he has no idea what else he could do to get to you."

"Well", Justin chuckled. "He also called her critical bitch to balance things out".

I laughed a little.

"I guess I deserve it", I said.

"So how it's gotta be?", Sheri asked.

"Okay", I sighed. "I will talk to him when he'll be back in school", I nodded. "But if it won't work and things will get more awkward, it'll be your fault", I pointed at four of them.

"They will", Jess smiled.

"Okay guys, let's leave her alone and give her time to make up her mind", Zach said.

"See you tomorrow", they said as they were leaving.

"Guys", I said before they left. "I'm sorry I was lying to you."

"Talk to Montgomery and we'll be good", Justin said with a smile while closing door.

I went to my room, laid on bed and stared at the ceiling trying to make up my mind. Suddenly I heard that front door opened and I realized I haven't locked them when Sheri and others left.

"Y/N?", I heard my mum.

I breathed a sigh of relief and got up from my bed.

"Yeah?", I said as I was walking downstairs.

"Dad called me. He said you came for a doctor's note because you skipped school."

"Well, my wrist hurts", I said avoiding looking at her. Mum could tell when I was lying most of the time.

"Okay", she sighed. "Tell me what is it really about?"

"It's my wrist. Really. I barely took it out of the cast, it's normal", I shrugged.

"Listen", she walked to the freezer and took box of ice cream, "it's your last chance to tell me the truth. Otherwise I'll stop being a cool mum", she handed me a spoon.

I stared at her, had a fight in my mind. As much as my relationship with my mum was really good, I considered both her and dad friends, I wasn't sure if I should tell her about the whole Montgomery mess. On the other hand how much worse could it get? Also she would have a fresh perspective on everything.

"Okay", I said finally and took deep breath. "It's about Montgomery", I said quietly.

"Ha, I knew something was going on!", she said walking from kitchen to the living room and sitting on the couch.

"Okay, calm down Ms I know it all, it's not what you think", I said and sat next to her. "So... You know I've been friends with Montgomery for few years now. Well, maybe not friends, more like... We had the same group of friends but the two of us wasn't like super close or anything. But this school year we got closer..."

"Because of the chemistry project?", She asked with a smirk.

"Well, yes, I was late to the first class and had to sit with him and that's how we got paired", I nodded. I knew I wasn't telling her the whole truth but I didn't think she would be amused with the whole friend with benefits thing. "Anyway...", I continued.

And I told her everything. I pointed out every thing he did for me, how he took me to the hospital when I eat peanut butter cookie, how he came and checked on me later that day, how he took care of me when I broke my wrist and stood on my side, not Tina's even though he was dating her at that time, how he took me away from Marcus when he made bet about me. I even told her what happened at Halloween party when he carried me away from Sean and made sure he stayed away from me (I didn't mention part where I was "begging to get laid", as Justin claims). And, for obvious reasons, I didn't tell about that time when I thought I was pregnant and he acted really matured and went to buy a pregnancy tests. As I was saying all this things I finally realised that everyone was right - he did took care about me and he did change.

"And after all this things you pushed him away because you are afraid to hell him how you feel?", my mum asked.

"Well... Yes", I nodded.

"Y/N Y/L/N, your father and I didn't raise you to be a coward. You'll of course do whatever you want but I really think you two should have an honest talk. What worse could happen?"

"You're right... Probably..."

"You seemed happier around October and November, just sayin...", she shrugged and went upstairs.

"Stop being coward", I whispered to myself.

Five minutes later I was driving to Montgomery's house.

"You can do it. You can do it. What's the worst thing that could happen?", I was my own hypeman. "He won't spoke to me? He already doesn't", I shrugged.

I parked and almost run to his front door. I rang the doorbell and waited moment but I didn't hear any noise from inside. I looked at the driveway, his car was parked, he had to be inside. I knocked hard few times. Still nothing. Then I heard something behind the house. I went there and that's where he was. He was playing basketball alone with his earphones on. I walked towards him, he saw me and froze for a moment. Then he ignored my presence and continued throwing ball to the basket. I walked closer, stood under the basket and caught ball when it was falling.

"Monty...", I said even though I wasn't sure if he could hear me.

He shook his head and walked back to the house.

"I'm not a coward", I mubled and followed him.

"Monty", I repeated.

"That's trespassing, you know?", he asked pouring himself some juice.

"I want to speak you", I said.

"And I want you to leave".

"Well I'm not leaving until to talk to me", I crossed my arms.

"I've had enough, okay?", he said walking past me, grabbed my arm and walked me to the front door. "Bye, Y/N."

"Mon..."

"My parent will be home any time now and because I got suspended again, believe me, you don't want be here when they get here", he said, still not looking at me.

"Okay, well, can we talk tomorrow? Or maybe on Thursday when you'll be back in school if you want more time?", I asked.

"Nah, I don't think I want to talk to you at all", he said and closed the door leaving me on his doorstep.

I came back to my car holding back my tears.

"Fuck!", I screamed and hit steering wheel few times. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

My phone started ringing, I looked at the screen.

"Hey, Atkins", I answered trying to sound normal.

"Hi, sweet, I sent you notes from today."

"Thanks, you're the best."

"Just try, you know, slow down with skipping school. Teachers start asking questions."

"This was last time, I swear", I sighed.

"Everything ok?", he asked concerned.

"Yeah... No, actually, it's not... I, encouraged by pretty much everyone I know including my mum, went to Montgomery to finally tell him everything, how I feel about him. But he doesn't want to talk to me and pretty much shut the door in front of my face..."

"Oh God... Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No, thanks, Sheri, Justin, Jessica and Zach spoke to him already. He's fed up with me and I deserve it to be honest", I shrugged.

"Don't say that! Give him few days, he'll probably change his mind by the time he'll be back in school", Jeff assured. "And if not, I'm more than sure, he'll want to talk to you when he see you at the prom this saturday".

"Yeah, I don't know if I'm going, I'm not in a mood."

"Oh no, no, no..."

"Jeff..."

"You're coming! Your mum ordered like ten dresses online, they're supposed to be delivered today. You're going. And don't use wrist as an excuse. Bye", he hung up before I could say anything more.

*** Monty's POV ***

It wasn't even an hour since Y/N left when I heard a doorbell.

"What again", I mumbled walking down the stairs. "Seriously?", I chuckled when I opened door and saw Jeff. "Who's coming next? Her mum? Her dad?", I swear one more person comes in, trying to defend her, I'm out.

"She doesn't know I'm here", Jeff walked inside.

"Whatever", I shrugged.

"Listen, I don't know the whole story, all I know is that since September both of you changed for better. She seemed happy and more relaxed. You didn't lose you temper so much and you were unbeatable on the field. Man, that two home runs?"

"Yeah, I mean, me and Y/N made a bet... Nevermind."

"Anyway, you were in a better place. Both of you. And know both of you are miserable."

"Well, thanks to her..."

"Man, I know her since forever. She can be a lot, she's neurotic and critical, I know that. The whole thing with this dickhead Sean really affected her. She really fucked her up and made her feel insecure and distanced and still somehow you were the first person she let in."

"Why are everyone making this whole thing about her? I was in it too. I finally wanted to change, to be better. Because of her. For her. And then she suddenly ended things. I mean... No one is that blind to not see that", I said. "And don't start with that 'she's insecure' crap talk", I added before Jeff had a chance to open his mouth.

"Listen, you'll do whatever you want. By far both of you are making yourselves miserable with your stubborness, but whatever", Jeff raised his hands with defensive gesture. "I send you notes from today, see you on Thursday", he said and left.

"Fuck", I whispered.

I had a point. I knew I had. Everyone were making is about Y/N, but I was in it too. When I told her she was the greatest person I knew, I meant it. I mean... How can someone not have at least a tiny crush on her. I meant it when I told her she's a catch. And yet she supposedly didn't get what I was trying to say? She finally made me feel vulnerable and then pushed me away.

I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling when I heard her voice in my mind saying jokingly "Just try not to fall in love with me". I should've taken that as a warning...

[r-ahh-mi]

A Cure I Know // Part 4

Part 1  II Part 2  II  Part 3  II 

Pairing: Elliot Alderson x fem!OC (Emerson)

Summary: A sex addict & a nut case - what a perfect pairing, don’t you think?

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 2k

A/N: Sorry this took so long to produce, but here it is! If you enjoy this series and would like to be tagged in future chapters, let me know and i’ll happily add you to my tag list. Enjoy xx

-

It was like clockwork and to no fail that following Monday we were both once again sat on the train in the same exact train car. I wondered a lot of things. One: did he always aim for this exact train car? That seemed a tad repetitive and manic, but after our little ordeal the weekend before I wouldn’t put it past him should he be a character of mindless repetition. He himself seemed as though he hadn’t a clue what he was doing and whether he was doing it right or wrong or down or sideways. I suppose you couldn’t say much better things about me either because ever since I saw him that first day on this very train, I aimed to catch this exact car as well, just in case, though the chance was more rare than rubies, I would once again come across this intriguing stranger. However, I never thought that me and him would actually create this morning routine of avoiding eyes whilst on a crowded rush hour train.

Now, onto Two: who the fuck is this guy. Truly. He could be anyone -- an assassin, a dull sales person, even a fucking male prostitute. He was a complete mystery to me and for some god forsaken reason I was intently drawn on getting to know him, but not the rough and tough bad boy he oh so attempted to seem to be. That was a lie. I can spot a lie because I too am quite the liar. Except, you know, I'm good at it, but this man--this man was not accustomed to lying, at least not conjuring up a good lie that would be pleasing or believable to others. That’s sorta cute in a way if you think of it. A grown human being not being able to lie well means they still have this sort of innocence to them, but I knew he couldn’t be all innocent.

I did catch him in a dusky alley having an altercation with some wealthy so and so after all, and that was anything but innocent. Not to mention he was deeply insistent on making sure I hadn’t heard or seen anything that he didn’t want me to see or hear. Honestly, the only reason I was upset that I hadn’t any clue as to what he was up to that night was because I didn’t have anything to dangle over his head and tease him with. Though he did seem like the type to have quite a temper and yes, he did frighten me ever so slightly, I knew he was harmless deep down. Simply put, he was just a boy who was lost and seeking out something, I could tell that much. His eyes were quick to give that way.

Today wasn’t any different than the other times I'd seen him on the train. We would make quick eye contact every so often and within a millisecond he was diverting his eyes to the nearest spot that wasn’t my gaze. I never took my eyes off of him, especially not today. Suddenly I felt brave and curious about him all at the same time. He was something that I could see myself chasing after which he should see as a huge compliment seeing as I loved people who were disposable. I wanted the intimacy of a good fuck and that was all. Don’t take me to dinner, don’t try to fucking cuddle with me, and, jesus fucking christ, don’t even try to ask me for my number so we could ‘do this again sometime’. That's not what I want. Well, that is until now.. Which was terribly frightening and intriguing to me all at once.

“Stop fucking staring at me.”

I smirked, recognizing that deep voice seeping out from between clenched teeth. “Am I bothering you?,” I questioned.

“Yeah you are.”

“Guess my plan is working then,” I answered with the most over confident smile I could muster together while his cold gaze was peircing through the even colder atmosphere that seemed to loom around him wherever he went.

The stranger huffed loudly. Loud enough for most other bystanders to notice and grimace at his rather rude behavior on public transportation, but this is where I realized we were alone in this steel built train car and immediately my confidence began to dwindle away. Especially when his hands reached for the long metal bars that went from the floor to the ceiling, and pulled his body up to a standing position. 

His dark attired body sauntered over in my direction until he was directly stood in front of me; I could feel my knee’s brushing along the fabric of his dark, wrinkled pants. He craned his neck down so his face was closer to mine and, should I not feel so intimidated by him right now, I would’ve seen this as a tempting opportunity to have some fun on public transportation. But he was different. He didn’t make me feel like the fem fatale that I usually felt like when I was with other men and women. He was the alpha, but a lost and sad alpha. An alpha who seemed to not understand what he was doing, yet he held so much natural power over others.

“What are you trying to do?”

I shrugged, feeling my eyes grow owlish as they blinked furiously trying to process the harshness of his voice. 

Maybe I was afraid of him? Maybe I wasn’t? How he was able to take me from cocky to nervous and scared was still something I was trying to process, but he was beginning to make me feel..not like myself. I suppose in general he made me feel like a different person entirely.

“I--I’m not doing anything,” I answered with shaky hands that his eyes immediately seemed to notice.

His brow instantly relaxed and the crease set in the middle of his forehead seemed to dissipate as he moved his face back a good foot or so from mine. I watched as his teeth dug into his bottom lip while his eyes searched the train car once more to ensure nobody was within earshot of our conversation, but this only made me feel more nervous. 

“Listen, I just want to know why you’re doing this. Just tell me. I’m not going to hurt you or anything… did someone send you looking for me? Was it-“

Before he could finish his sentence, I shook my head in response as my brain tried to wrap itself, yet again,  around this man and why on earth anyone would be looking for him or why someone would send me to find him. Who was he?

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Immediately he coward back both physically and mentally as he released the metal bars and let his body balance itself as the train moved at a fast pace.

“I just don’t get it.”

“Don’t get what?,” I questioned, but he didn’t seem to want to say anything else. Instead he took one of his hands underneath the black hood covering his head and ran it through his hair, causing a small strand of black to fall onto his forehead.

I watched the strand, almost in slow motion, as it relaxed onto his tan skin and the urge to be cliche and fix the hair back into its place was there. Infact, my hand twitched as if it was going for it, without letting my brain grant it permission, to touch this strangers stray hair. Usually only a gesture made for couples or those who sustained close and precious relationships, yet I took had the urge for this man.

“Elliot?”

An unfamiliar blonde woman had entered the train car, along with a few dozen other people, as she made her way over to this stranger who evidently wasn’t a mystery to her. She placed her hand on his shoulder as the stranger looked between me and the blonde haired woman--he seemed cautious and nearly scared by her or rather what she could say.

“Elliot, I haven’t seen you in days. Why haven’t you been at work?”

I watched as the stranger took his hand, that was still underneath his hood, and gently lift the black fabric from his head as he shrugged. “I’ve just been busy with some stuff.”

The blonde scoffed at the man, who I presumed to be Elliot, as he mumbled his words and seemed annoyed as she began versing him in why it’s essential to let your friends know what’s going on in your life, but frankly I was much too distracted to pay attention to their conversation in its entirety.

Elliot. What a sweet name. It was somehow fitting for this stranger that had a dark and cold outer appearance; the opposite of sweet, yet it suited him well, very very well. I was surprised I never even thought about naming this mysterious person, but never once did I stop to think of his name, his backstory, and what made him who he was.

The scary part was that now I was thinking about all of that. I was thinking of his middle name, does he have any pets, is this blonde bitch going to get in my way of getting to know him, also, why the hell did I want to get to know him? Why was I having monologues with myself regarding this man who, up until a minute ago, I hadn’t a clue of even his name. I hated this and most importantly i hated who I was right now because I wasn’t the type to pine and day dream after another. Why was he different. Why on this god forsaken earth is there a creature say as he that would make me feel such foreign things that I hadn’t felt in decades.

“Are you okay?”

I hadn’t noticed that I zoned out, with my eyes still fixed on Elliot, until his now much perkier, yet still lifeless, voice questioned my dead eyed gaze.

I nodded, gulping back a breath I hadn’t realized was being held captive in my throat as I looked around for the blonde woman, who had been previously scolding a grown man on proper friendship etiquette--how precious. Thankfully, she was nowhere to be found. I must have been so deep in my thoughts that her departure had gone unnoticed to my zoned out stare. 

“You sure?,” Elliot questioned again, ending his sentence this time with a brief and deep chuckle that made me smile, but I quickly removed the grin from my face in the hopes that he wouldn’t see it. I didn’t need to give him any sort of leverage in whatever it is we were (friends, acquaintances, etc.).

“I’m fine,” I lied, but like I said, I was always convincing when it came to lying and this time was no different.

Elliot nodded just as the loud speaker announced the stop I was needing to get off on and only then did I realize my belongings were nowhere near being close to gathered and ready for me to descend into a crowd of thousands of others working at a miserable job. I began scrambling manically for my things as Elliot just watched me with some sort of look in his eyes that seemed sympathetic in nature, but what for?

I didn’t bother to acknowledge him as I stood to move past him and out of the train car. We never really said or entertained any sort of greeting when we departed so it wasn’t anything unusual.

“Bye.”

I stopped dead in my tracks, directly in the middle of the automatic doors, as he spoke the words. I’m sure I was blushing or wearing some sort of smitten grin and god how I hated that my feelings were from something as small as a ‘bye’ from him, but now wasn’t the time. I wouldn’t let these unusual feelings I was having for this man cause me to shatter the outer appearance I worked hard to convince others of. Not today, not ever--no on was worth that much.

“See you tomorrow, Elliot.”

-

Tag: @sassystrawberryk​ @itsme690​ @imnottiredofgettingoveryou​ @lovelymalekk​ @mezzomercury​ @sherlollydramoine​ @rami-malek-trash​ @amcquivey​ @txmel​ @crystalmethchristmas​ @ramimedley​

[ruwithmeguys]

This tweet came in response to this

You don't mind if I blabber on about Oliver and his Queen for a bit... do you?

AW THANKS!

I write a LOT of fanfiction. Even when I'm not writing I'm thinking about writing. I haven't even started looking at writing a novel yet BECAUSE Olicity are so freaking vocal in my thoughts right now. The thing I enjoyed about Oliver is that, at the start - at the very beginning when he was a grasshopper, a young man who looked kind of creepy in photos - he's actually a pretty normal guy, for the most part.

Prior to his shipwreck, he's an egotistical, horny, immature, ignorant, naive, manipulative player of a young man. Basically, he's your a-typical jerk who hasn't lived in the world yet or experienced much of anything at all beyond parties and money.

He's also lonely. Desperately lonely.

WHAT? OLLIE QUEEN, WITH HIS MOUNTAIN HIGH NOTCH-POST WAS LONELY? He had a family, Tommy and Laurel. Sara. Raisa. LONELY????

Yup. He was a very lonely boy. And he had zero clue that he was - he just knew there was something wrong with him. A hole inside him, a chasm he didn't know how to fill or close. Even with Tommy, he felt it.

It wasn’t a pleasant hole. It didn’t feel particularly nice. (But I think each of us has it inside if us; each of different strengths and tastes and for many, it transforms into maternal/paternal instincts or passionate drives... for a rare few it becomes something quite different. Oliver is the personification of one of those few).

It was why he didn't give a shit about breaking rules and hearts. Nothing was enough to fill this hole. It's no excuse for doing what he did and he knows that.(Again, it's been a long while since I truly watched prior seasons but I remember that when I did watch, there were a few things that stood out.) But he felt barren of care about it too.

He was a shallow creature. It wasn’t that he didn’t have anything but space between his ears: it was what he did with it (or didn’t do) that made him appear so very shallow. He distanced himself with it, made all the worse by how easy it was to be so empty. By how much he was allowed to get away with: 

his mother loved him unconditionally. She knew he was behaving as a cad, but he was also her beautiful boy and could do no wrong. She didn't care that he played around or that he hurt people; she made those people disappear and he probably reminded her a little of Robert (Moira who lived like a woman who believed this kind of behaviour was the norm in men).

Robert loved him the same way. He advised but he never laid down the law, even when it was sorely needed; but this wasn't because of blind love. It was because of guilt, because of his many wrongs that would one day come back to bite his son.

Thea, who was a secluded section of Oliver's universe: he could do no wrong with her.

Laurel, who loved him blindly.

Sara who loved him because he was a shallow mess.

Tommy who was so similar to him.

They only helped enable his character - it wasn’t their fault, wasn’t even his fault; most don’t know who they are when they turn 20 - however unknowing they were. Moira Queen was the worst of it: she applauded his every move, smiled at his transgressions, taught him that he would be forgiven each time, that he would have refuge. It was almost as if she allowed herself to see the innocence of her husband as opposed to the infidelity, the deceit and the sheer insult of his MANY ill doings. 

And so on...

Oliver didn't fit in. There's a reason why it was so easy for him to behave in such a self destructive way: yes, he hated himself for not being better, being smarter, being cleaner, being more. He thought he was worthless.

Why can't I stick to education?

Why is it so easy for me to lie?

Why don't I love laurel enough not to cheat?

Why is it so terrifying to even try to be a better man?

Why don’t I want things?

Why don’t I care?

Oliver saw it as being too weak, too bad, too cowardly to strive to be better. But he was afraid of trying and finding nothing there, inside him, worth knowing. He was afraid of himself.

Again, he also felt alone.

He lived the kind of life most dream of, but he didn't feel whole. There was something missing and it troubled him because he had everything? What was so wrong with him that he couldn't hack it even when he was handed everything on a literal silver platter?

Why was he so bored already with his life? Why didn't he care the way he should? Why was it when he was with Tommy and his mother and Laurel - why didn't he feel real with them?

Oliver, by 22, hadn't connected with a single soul; not really. Not truly. Not the way he needed. Sex? That's easy. Giving of thy body is so much easier than connecting with a person on an emotional level and revealing to them everything that you are. He understood physical pleasure very well; emotional satisfaction? It was beyond his reach.

Everything that Ollie believed he was back then wasn't worth knowing.

It was easier to:

Play the field

have fun

not think about troubling things

date his friend because it's the natural progression of friendships with females, right?

cheat

lie

fornicate

act like a dumbass for CNN and WEBG because it was entertaining and made him feel like he was relevant 

do absolutely nothing and still receive the kind of unconditional love he knew he didn't deserve

Oh! And let’s not forget-

Go on a pleasure cruise with his girlfriend's sister when said girlfriend starts to talk about moving in together which is the last thing he'd ever want.

Hey! Since I'm a coward, why break the habit of my 22 years when I can just take Sara and let my relationship implode while I'm miles away balls deep in her hotter, more malleable sister who I've been screwing for the past three months behind her back? That way, it'll all be over when I come back and I can just spend the rest of my life avoiding her, feeling a marginal amount of guilt for it.

Golden. Sorted. Nuke planted.

Even Tommy thinks he's a BOSS - dude, screwing both sisters at once?

Even if one's LL?

ESPECIALLY since one's LL. Like no other guy has ever wanted to be in your shoes right now. Sara's HOT. I'm green with envy.

It's the perfect, perfect thing to do. Get out of dodge and let gossip do the hard work. She'll be half over it by the time they return, surely. She's better than he is, emotionally.

She's better altogether.

she's kinder

nicer

smarter

beautiful

a good friend

She's everything he should want but doesn't... he doesn't fit the norm his parents did. 

(the norm where you love and marry but don’t quite love enough not to stray over and over again, creating illegitimate children who will feel the fallout in your staid, but Oliver is clueless about his parents)

He doesn't fit in the world LL was planning for them. He doesn't fit LL. He should want her, but he doesn't. The thrill is over; he dated his 'good girl next door' friend and it wasn't bad... but for some reason, it isn't him. She isn't him. 

He isn't ANYONE. His identity is the jumped up playboy he's pretended to be over the years; pretended because, there's no joy in it for him. He get as many orgasms as he likes: what he enjoys is the deception. The fact that he can sink as low as he likes. The fact because he’s a rich bad boy, he can get away it.

It’s a game.

He loves her but he always had: she was his friend first after all...

Breaking the rules however? That feels very much him. And what a crappy thing to be feel right about. Being the bad guy feels right. There's no hope for him.

But he can pretend. So he does. He goes onto the Gambit and spends three days in bed with Sara Lance.

Then the ship capsizes. He looses Sara. His father. the boat. Any chance at returning home. Despite what happens over the next five years, it confirms things: he didn't loose them because of any bomb. he lost them because of who he is.

A cheater

Selfish

Manipulative

morally repugnant at his core

capable of dark acts

A bad guy

How else could he do and become the things he did and became over five years if, on the inside, there wasn't something inherently wrong with him?

How else could he kill and maim and plot and scheme and defame and destroy and conceal if it wasn't an extension of the badness within? The sinking of the Gambit simply revealed him for what he is. Slade knew that too. That's why Oliver killed him. To keep that secret, a secret.

There's no hope for Oliver Queen.

He doesn't deserve it.

Hasn't earned it.

His destiny is to sink deeper into the black...

But he accepts his father's last wishes because deep down, Oliver BELIEVES. And hopes. And if he does this, maybe he can be forgiven for what he did: for dooming Sara, for going on the Gambit. For being responsible for his father’s death who wouldn't have killed himself if not for Oliver, it's his fault he (and sara) were ship wrecked, it's his fault shadow died, his fault her father died... if he hadn't been selfish none of it would have happened.

If he hadn't been so rotten at the core, he'd have loved ll enough not to run away.

He wouldn't have corrupted sara

his father would have survived on the island and returned home

his mother wouldn't have lost them both

his sister would have a father

tommy would never know just how dark, how evil his best friend is

Quentin wouldn't hate him, wouldn’t become an alcoholic later

Oliver would never know the monster inside himself

The rest of him can't accept that there's any light at the end of the tunnel so his hope, his belief, is crushed inside a tiny box deep within the brittle rock encased around him. Hope is a bigger killer than self-hate.

Hope is a length of rope to hang himself with: it’s infinitely more terrifying than falling into black.

A cognitive dissonance forms; a fissure. A schism. There's half of him that's formed over the years away - something inside him that always existed - that he cannot accept, half himself he denies the light, denies to look upon. He hides it beneath a hood and calls it his mission, his mask.

But then he's back in Starling and-

FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, THOUGHTS, MEMORIES.

Attack. Attack. Attack.

Expectations. Nagging. Watching.

Love, hate, regret, guilt.

Shut it down. And he does... except he doesn't, because he's not a machine. He wishes he was. He wishes he could simply right his fathers wrongs and disappear forever without feeling a thing about it. But he's human. And humans need things because we're selfish and people were born to be with people. We need and grow and thrive with people.

And so does he.

It's difficult to keep his mask on because he's more human - more kind, gentle, loving, compassionate, selfless, hopeful - than anyone else. And yes, it was cultivated by his years away, but what human hasn't been made aware of the ugly truths of themselves in hindsight? It's 20/20 for a reason.

And LL-

Her hatred feels like relief.

He deserves to feel it, he's earned it and it's proof he exists. Proof he was loved. Proof that there’s SOMETHING to be redeemed. Proof that he was 'Ollie Queen'. A man who doesn't put on a hood to shoot arrows into people. He was once a guy who had a girl and treated her badly.

Then LL forgives him and the relief becomes hope.

Then she takes it away and he's back down the darkest hole. That’s fine. Both feel good. Both are toxic.

He doesn’t have to strive this way...

Not that he understands the wrongness of it all: he has no idea. He thinks relationships work this way; he thinks that people are pushed and pulled and hurt and hurt and hurt-  it's like sandpaper over skin. It’s supposed to smart, isn’t it? That means it's real, right? He thought once that love was supposed to be like in the movies, was supposed to be deeper, was supposed to instil great strength in him but he was a fool

There's only LL

Only love he overestimated

only feelings of guilt and regret and shame

care

affection

memories

the past

She hasn't changed at all, except she's.. bitter. Wary. Distrustful. She doesn't smile like she used to, like she was FREE. He did that. He owns it. And she's made him own it, she's thrown at him. It's his fault after all. He should take responsibility. Let her hate him. It's only right. 

He hates himself: pile it on. He KNOWS what hate feels like. Understands hate and anger and pain and grief and misery.

His mission comes first anyway, and it's easy to prioritise because it does FIT him. He feels more himself as the Hood than he does as Oliver. There are no lies there. Just the animal. The creature crafted over five years: Except he isn't all knowing and he needs help.

There's a face he remembers, a face he locked away, one he sees dreams sometimes but never acknowledges because it would mean... something. Keep it simple and clean. It just is what it is. A face... that made it easy to breathe.

...wasn't she an IT girl?

Maybe he should see someone else...

Except he's already looked her up because, again, her face stuck with him. A sweet face. A face he could manipulate if needed, right? That's the reason.

It wouldn't be a hardship to charm the information out of her. To flirt and play. Maybe he could date her. Sleep with her if he had to, he could.

Would.

So he walks into her office, willing to go any lengths and only a tad curious about whether his memory is as good at it seems and-

...oh.

Oh hello heart, it's been a while.

Suddenly he's very aware of every breath he's taking, of every thump in his chest. Of the way his lips are curving-

HE'S AWARE.

He's present in a room with a woman who's red lips, who quick wit, who's knowing and pretty blue eyes could keep him awake at night if he let them.

She's... funny. Without trying to be. And it’s genuine rather than forcing on a smile and laughing because he's supposed to. She's quick. Intuitive. Scarily perceptive and his plan to manipulate, coerce and excrete charm goes out of the window.

He's the one charmed. But he's got a job to do so he starts the lie and-

Of course she sees right through it. It was deliberately pathetic for a reason, part of the charm. Part of the manipulation. But it's not a flirtation: he just looks at her and stupidly says the words and he doesn't sound like an idiot. He sounds like he's testing her instead and-

She. Sees. Right. through. His. Bullshit.

He hoped she would, but not like this. I see your lie, but it's fine. I'll help you. You look like you need help.

He drops the fake. And. He. doesn't. care. at. all.

Doesn't even try to fight it.

Trusts it immediately.

Sits down behind her and watches her work... calculates. Plans-

No. He can't have it- it's wrong and indulgent and like sunlight in the dank, darkness of lian yu. He doesn't deserve it. Hasn't earned it-

Though he liked it. Wanted more.

He'd kill her.

Stay away.

And he does... for a while... until he doesn't, can't because INFORMATION.

Convenient.

Would it be so bad to have something, someone in his life that can shine a light? That can make him smile just once before he dies. Wrap her in bubble wrap. Keep her safe. From me. And then he can bring her in, at a respectable distance. One of the world's treasures kept safe by him.

He's no knight but it would be an honour.

He couldn't let her go alone and unsafe in the world NOW. Not now. Not after meeting her. Not after seeing the way her fingers twitch and twirl as her mouth curves around's words that make his mind whirl, that make his world tilt in very nice ways. Something about her lingered with him, always. A marginal comfort. Bringing colour into the dark.

He can look at colour.

He can look at light.

Maybe he'd be brave enough to touch it too. Maybe. one day. If he doesn't die, Which he knows he will so... there’s nothing to fear.

And ONLY if LL can forgive him because-

Because Felicity is so far beyond any of them: better, brighter, purer, kinder, and so much smarter than LL, than anyone... if LL can't have faith in him again, how could anyone as incredible as Felicity Smoak do the same-

Yet she does.

She saves his life, trusting his word when he's given her no reason to. I mean, what can he even do with that? That doesn't compute, he doesn't understand it. But he knew it was true without even giving it voice because he feels the same and how strange that is.

He's so damn thankful for it.

She's... willing.

She saved him. She didn't have to, but she did as he asked.

She knew... she knew he was liar, a killer and she still helped him.

She wants to be in his orbit - actually wants to be near a monster like him

She said only until they found Walter but she stayed...

She remained.

He can keep her.

Like his own personal sun, down in the dark basement. He doesn't deserve it, hasn't earned it... but she seems to think he has. If Felicity Smoak believes he's earned it, then who's he to deny or argue that point? Maybe there's hope yet.

She's good. Right.

She's everything he isn't: there’s a list, he likes it

She's never wrong

Even when she is, she isn't, I can attest to that

She trusts him for some reason

it's terrifyingly easy to trust her back

she slots in like a missing piece

she wants to help people, save people... more than he does.

She's patient with his many weaknesses and issues

he didn't need to explain why he killed people, why 'the violence'; she immediately compartmentalised

she doesn't make him feel like less for his violence, for the holes in his rotten soul

she's harmless

she's the most dangerous person to him, given her vocation... but it doesn't seem to matter

she's so smart, he's in awe of every word out of her mouth

when he isn't in awe, he's tickled

or bashful

or pleased

or puzzled

or grateful

...never guilty

she talks circles around them all and he never tells her how much he enjoys hearing her every word, even as she's flustered

especially when she's flustered

He can keep her close without her being close at all; a source of nourishment from some place far away- and she is.

Far away.

And he seems to start getting his ducks in a row.

Felicity encourages him to help people instead of just targeting names in a book and it feels good. Is this allowed? He's bonding with Thea. his mother FINALLY sees that placing expectations on him won't bring back the child she lost. And maybe... maybe he's not SO bad… after all...

Maybe he can heal the past by being everything he wasn't:

The good son

The admirable brother

the loyal best friend

the reluctant hero

the trustworthy boyfriend

But he's tired. And he hurts and when he's not trying to connect with someone-

Helena, McKenna

-he just WANTS TO BE FORGIVEN FOR SOMETHING. Even if he doesn't deserve it.

And abruptly she's right there: offering. LL. It's easy. Like wish fulfilment. And Tommy isn't biting. He's pushing them away, even when Oliver tries to get him to see the light because there's only so much Oliver can take of all these opportunities to lighten the load in his chest, on his shoulders and in his head.

He can make it work. He can be the Ollie he never was. The man they all miss. He can fix the past: he doesn't have to continue be the man who killed his father, who killed Sara and Shado.

He can be the Ollie who never went on the Gambit.

And so... when LL's feelings change, it feels like forgiveness. Like relief. He can try again.

She responds exactly how he knew she would because, deep down? He can read LL like a book. He can read her because she's easy to read: she loves him. He can see it clearly and just because he doesn't love her the way the storybooks tell you you're supposed to, doesn't mean he can't go back-

Except it's too easy to leave her in bed. Alone. To avoid her calls because- busy.

She may not come first now but once the Undertaking is over he can hide that part of himself and pretend it never existed. He can live, solely, for repentance and it doesn't sound so bad. Living a life making up for his sins. For everyone's sins because, why not? Maybe he'll go to heaven that way. The lies he speaks feel like the truth: LL has always known him... even though she never knew him. It's still true because he will make it true.

He will BECOME the man she fell in love with. The lie. He'll do it, even if he has to act the part for the rest of his life.

It's the only way to forgiveness.

But first, they have a catastrophe to stop and he's never been able to stop one before. Maybe now is the time, but if he dies? Everyone will be fine. They'll-

If you're not leaving, I'm not leaving.

...oh

‘Hello heart; that's the second time I've felt you beat: twice in one year.’

Her words sound an awful lot like... like he'll never be alone as long as she lives.

Well then.

Well...

That's...

No one has ever promised him that. It wasn't even a promise: it was a statement of fact.

I guess... that means she's never allowed to die.

That's a fact too, because he doesn't want to be alone ever again. With the void in him. The part of him that nothing and no one has ever filled, saved those beautiful words just now. Words he didn't think he'd ever hear. Even if she isn't close, as long as she breathes then so shall he.

It's stunning. A literal voice in his ear and a metaphorical one in his head. He'll never be alone again. Can he trust that? It soothes the black in him, quietens the doubt like nothing else has. He takes it with him, holds onto hope-

Casts it aside when everything falls, fails. He failed. He didn't save the city. He made one man the enemy instead of clearing the underground tunnels. He didn't save Tommy. 

He can't save anyone.

He's no hero.

And there's no more going back because, how can he without Tommy? With that high a price for trying to do the impossible. LL wasn't the cornerstone there, it was best friend. And she suffered for his selfish attempt too, like she always has. She was always better than him.

He so sorry that he can't love her the way she deserves. He can't tell her that he never did. Ignorance is bliss.

There's just... something wrong with him. He was never meant to exist with people. He should have died on the island.

Trying to rebirth the past is meaningless now. He can't do or change anything. There's no point in staying.

He leaves.

But he makes sure to dump a nice helping of cash into Felicity and Dig's accounts: that's all he’s good for. Maybe it will make them just a little happy. They're better off without him there, because he's a disease. He can only hurt people or run away.

He runs away. He’s good at that too.

Five months alone bring him a small amount of peace: sometimes worldly things get in the way. But he can't stop thinking about Tommy...

Then THEY are there. They came to his personal hell on earth, willingly. No one else would, he knows that. And he’s exasperated, frustrated but it's so good to see them-

Feel them.

She's warm. And beautiful. And she's asking him to come BACK-

But he can't because everything he touches turns to ashes.

Except she needs his help and so do thousands more. His family's legacy is crumbling before him and he has to take responsibility.

It's almost too easy to listen, even as he hates that he has to return because-

FEELINGS. EMOTIONS. MEMORIES. ATTACKING HIM.

Even as he wants to because loneliness is a slow killer too and he'd rather die fast, die standing. Die with people.

...he keeps looking at her. Can't help it-

She draws the eye.

His eye.

And she's saying things that hit him every single time in ways he doesn't know how to face.

She SEES him.

It's like she's decided she's done watching him. She's stepping up. She's SHOWING him the way.

He's in love with that. He needed her years ago. He doesn't deserve it... but she's reaching out and offering her hand. He's almost too scared to touch it, but he does.

Now he's hanging onto her every word, only realising ten seconds in that they've been looking at each other ten seconds too long-

He's relying on her so much more than before. Needs her. For everything:

Queen Consolidated

his mother's trial

she-

-made him a bow.

HER bow. her touch. her ideal. HER.

It doesn't feel drenched in darkness: it's heavier. There's a weight to it now that she's asking him to bear but it settles well in his chest and finally he can breathe a little. She's everywhere; the foundry has touches of her- his life is suddenly filled with her and he doesn't mind. It doesn't scare him.

The idea of her ever leaving does scare him, even as she promised she never would if he didn't.

So he won't.

They're a team. It always worked with John but she's become the heart: it doesn't beat or flow without her and he doesn't question or care how it happened.

The mission changes: it has to. Tommy was the sacrifice for his judgement before. That can't happen again.

Felicity can't be the sacrifice... and he doesn't know why she's first in his thoughts there. 

There's Starling, the Glades and the family company. Isabel.

He's a natural at thwarting women who want to spar with him: it's all an act. Sleep with her, keep her quiet. Make her see there's no difference in them really. They're both crappy people trying to save a dying company-

Felicity’s there...

He's had sex before, with other women before; why does this feel worse?

Why does it feel like shame?

And she's a good person; she'd never use sex as a weapon, never use her body so shallowly. Any man who'd want her to isn't worth her time.

I'm not worth her time.

So when she asks and he's glad of it because her silence was deafening, disquieting - he could tell she'd been waiting to ask and he-

looks

her

in

the

eye

…….oh

THAT’S what he’s been feeling.

It's intense, the way his heart jumps at her. The way the truth settles down on him as the words he speaks become a different kind of truth. He can sleep around with women like Isabel because they mean nothing.

Not her.

Not FELICITY SMOAK-

because he doesn't stay longer in the foundry because he likes it down there; that's where SHE is. She made it her home too. Where the clacking of fingers on a keyboard becomes preferable to the silence, like therapy. He doesn't look forward to a work day because he loves his job: he hates his job, but he likes spending the day with her.

He’s taking advantage of her. 

She asked him to try a better way and he has, because it wasn't just about honouring Tommy. It was about working towards the light with her, his guide.

And he realises he's been falling for a while.

But he can't let himself land so he lets her leave-

You deserve better than her.

There's better and then there's Felicity and her words, her voice that beckons and stuns him and- FUCK.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to feel this way. He'd liked her from day one, had been attracted to her intelligence, her wit, her compassion and her short skirts. Her GLASSES. Her lipsticks and nail varnishes.

Her smile.

But that was all...

The Count seals the deal. He gets it. He won't kill but he'd gladly kill for her. He'd break rules for her without feeling guilt, and he doesn't feel guilt- None.

But she's affected and sorry and he can't let her feel that way so her lets her see just a little of what's inside him.

You come first

you're important

to the city

but mostly to me

you're never thanked but I couldn't do this without you

there's no choice to make when it comes to you

And that’s why nothing can ever happen. 

But Barry creates an ugly furl in him, something he's never felt. Is it... jealousy? For a kid half his size and triple his intelligence? Yes.

But like a lot of things, Barry makes Oliver see: these thoughts he's been having? They can’t happen. They need to be shut down before it spirals out of control. Put her first.

Sara helps there.

It's part distraction, part comfort, all a shield to feelings that twist turn him inside out in the best ways.

Sara who can take care of herself so he doesn't have to

Sara who's beautiful

Sara who he might be able to be himself with

Sara who was exactly like him

Except they argue about everything and her darkness worries him. Their methods clash, their ideas clash... and before long it starts to feel like he’s trying to fix the past again but he can’t help it. The pull is relentless. He still wants more than anything to go back and make up for what he did.

The monster that he is-

Except Felicity called him a hero. Her words are gold. Everyone in the world could stand against him... but she thinks he’s a hero.

But he’s with Sara and Sara needs help, needs to be shown the way. Felicity and Diggle - they taught him that killing shouldn’t be a first port of call. There’s always ANOTHER WAY.

But Sara CAN’T. And if she can’t then how can he?

Yet she isn’t wrong: they don’t bring out the best in each other... they don’t bring out ANYTHING. She’s worried about touching him with her darkness? She needn't: she never touched his heart, not really.

His heart is in a lock-box, along with his hope. Which is good because-

S.L.A.D.E

-who knows that deep down, Oliver is as dark as they come. He's not a hero. he's a traitorous coward who deserves for history to repeat itself and it does in the worst way. 

Because I’m a disease. 

Slade, who is a product of Oliver's making. Slade who shows him to the world for who he really is.

Even when Felicity disputes this, he knows it's true.

It would be easy... so easy to sink into her. To take her into himself, breathe deep, devour her whole until he’s surrounded and filled with nothing but her. Her eyes are offering it. 

He isn’t worthy.

I can’t.

And he wants to sink away and die, wants to allow his sins to destroy him and maybe that would take away all the problems- But Sebastian is involved and a danger to the city. LL is involved. Her father. His friends.

He has to be strong. He has to stop Slade the way he should have done the first time. He has to stop him, not kill him; but it feels impossible. He's only one man, a failure of a man...

And of course… of COURSE... she's there and she tells him the truth; what he needs to hear. And when she holds him, when he realises his partner is with him 100% through thick and thin he's finally able to acknowledge why he's holding her back. Why she gives him strength. Why her opinion matters the most. Why he dreams about her. Why, when she’s near, he’s stronger.

whoever you love the most.

The ruse is easy because it's real.

He can tell her without telling her and it feels so easy, so good, so natural.

He's in love with Felicity Smoak, not Sara. Not Laurel. Felicity. She could never love him back as he is, but he can hope with that look in her eyes.

And she's stronger than them anyway; she's the one who stops Slade. 

After everything lost, it feels like salvation. 

-

I’ll continue this, but it’s already so LOOOONG!

In case you’re wondering who the crazy person babbling about Olicity is, please see my:

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Riki Ai no Kusabi :/

-A pervert since he was very little at Guardian orphanage he used to play doctor with other boys.Also he always caused trouble for the caretakers.

-The worst kind of vicious immoral and ruthless gang leader without moral limits and without any principles.

-Riki was not a charismatic leader.All he and the Bisons did was to continue the disastrous Ceres regime with terrorism,murders,rapes,drugs and illegal gambling.Riki failed to unite all the mongrels and bring peace so that Ceres could had a chance of true recovery and significant growth in the economy and improvement of life conditions and culture in general.

-Riki had never true bonds with Ceres,nor with any of the other mongrels.Ever since he was very young he dreamed about leaving that shithole and none of his friends were in his plans and dreams for his future.Not even Guy.Riki often even talked to Guy about his dreams to leave Ceres but never suggested or even though of Guy being by his side in any way.

-Riki was weak all by himself.He ended up completely destroying his life since he wasn’t under Guy’s and Bison’s supervision.He always had his gang for back up and according to the author Guy was the only reason why Riki had managed to stay alive in the slums.Riki however never appreciated any of those until he lost them. -To some extend Riki was also very easy to handle and manipulate.Guy did that to Riki.He took advantage of Riki’s weak personality,his insecurities and constant need of confirmation.Most of the things that the Bison’s decided and did where not even Riki’s ideas,but Guys.Riki was just the “frontman”.And Guy was even more ruthless individual than Riki. -Riki only attracts problematic individuals. A bunch of desperate completely deprived mongrels in the slums,a paranoid android,a 10-12 year old female pet,a 15 year old Paraditia pet and a unloved lost child like Kyrie.That’s pretty much it.Noone has ever truly loved or cared about Riki.Everyone just wanted a piece of him to fullfil their egotistical desires.

-Riki was never truly free to do whatever he wanted.The freedom the mongrels had was just an illusion.They had no potential, no future.They had no means of education,employment or even entertainment.Nothing to trigger their creativity.They were all miserable in the claustophobic environment of Ceres.Doomed to rot there slowly from the inside out.That is how Riki felt throughout the years he lived in Ceres.The mongrels couldn’t travel legally.They had no constitutional or human rights and they could be executed by Midas police anytime.For the government they and Ceres were non existent.They weren’t even included in the Amoi map.Their life conditions were so bad that the oldest mongrel in Ceres was just 32 years old.

-Riki was selfish,arrogant,immature,irresponsible, superficial,ungrateful and considered all the other mongrels lowlifes.

-Riki had always hated himself and his life.He always had self destructive tendencies by constantly getting wasted,getting high on drugs being a heavy smoker,constantly getting in trouble,fighting,visiting Midas,stealing and being thoughtless and ditsy.

-For the most part of his life he functioned only based on instict like an animal.Every move and every decision of his were always desultory.And his instict for the most part has betrayed him.He had never been right about anything.

-“A mongrel has nothing to lose,therefore he has nothing to be afraid of” was Riki’s life motto but that lifestyle only caused him trouble and completely destroyed his already miserable life.

-Riki has nothing to be proud of.He has never accomplished anything in his life.Even his supposed independence and success in his job was all Iason’s plan.Riki made money and reputation by doing the most filthiest immoral type of job.He worked in the black market,directly contributing to the Tanagura regime which is responsible for the misery in Ceres.Riki possessed enough coldness in his soul to be able not to care about how immoral his job was and he was actually happy about the money he gained and the fact that he travelled in other planets and galaxies.

-His relationship with Guy never officially ended because Riki had always been a coward who couldn’t deal directly with others and always had trouble taking responsibility for his actions.Riki also has problems expressing himself with speech and actions and had always had communication problems with every individual he had ever been involved with.Riki also is not a social person unless drunk.But even drunk he is mostly miserable,emotional and aggressive than social.

-He worked in the black market under Katze’s supervision for 2 years.His job included trafficking of young children and various genetically mutated creatures for sex slaves or harvest for their organs.He probably also delivered drugs and guns.

-Riki and his gang bullied new mongrels who were just 13 year old boys, as soon as they arrived in Ceres for the first time,totally forgetting that he was once just like them.They needed to learn “who the boss is and don’t attempt anything stupid”.

-Riki didn’t hesitate to put his life and the Bison’s life in danger by constantly visiting Midas in order to steal from tourists and citizens.

-Riki didn’t hesitate to offer his body to a complete stranger for not reporting him to the police.Riki was arrogant enough to think that his body was worthy as an award.Curiosity killed the cat in Riki’s case because he also truly wanted to hook up with a Tanagura Elite.Riki was also a nasty cheater.Willing to have sex with others while in a relationship with Guy.

-Riki is a massive masocist ashamed of himself after Iason managed to dig out that characteristic of Riki’s which he had even before he was conditioned by Iason’s pet training to use it to its fullest.

-Riki had the worst opinion possible about the other pets in Eos and he judged them pretty harshly and was disgusted by how lowlifes they were.However he had sex with a pet.Also Riki didn’t hesitate to beat up little boys in Eos while an adult himself.And of course all those pets didn’t had his size and strenght and were not equal opponents so Riki’s decision to fight them was not a manly one.(Fight someone your size)He also took advantage of Mimea’s naive and illogical decision.He used her to feel reassured about his manliness.(Riki was a seke used to giving and receiving.With Iason he couldn’t use his manhood for intercourse).

Riki also hated furniture like Daryl and made Daryl’s life hell.Totally ignoring the fact that Daryl was also forced.Riki didn’t resist Iason but he resisted Daryl because at least he didn’t wanted to submit to someone who “isn’t a man or a woman”.Riki never really changed his bad attitude towards Daryl.Except from the times that Riki was wasted and talked to Daryl because he had no other choice since he couldn’t go to the saloon and he had no one else and all the remaining pets hated him.And when Riki was drunk and talked to Daryl he only did so to nag,complain and cry.At best he would just avoid Daryl for the most part.

-For many years Riki really mostly tried to fight against himself and his own tendencies and perversions instead of fighting what was supposedly imposed to him by Iason.

-It is unclear if Riki ever trully understood and changed his mind about pets and furniture.He never really got to respect them as living beings.Sometimes it even feels like Riki mostly has a problem with the etiquette/label of pet than the real deal,which is him being submissive body and soul.(He got used to exclusively submissive sex so much he got addicted to it and after some point he couldn’t even function otherwise.Also Riki was always able to ejaculate just by prostate stimulation during sex)Also Riki was never really talkative or expressive or passionate about anything so he easily abjusted with Iason ordering him around.Riki also was never the person to initiate anything.He was already trained to listen to authority by Katze anyways.As well as keeping his mouth shut to some extent.

-Riki wasn’t all that bad ass.He was a very holeric creature who would resolve to violence for any reason.But those random outbursts of his were always catastrophic for him and others.However for the most part he only barked and hardly ever bite.Riki was pretty submissive without much efford.Also all his “rebellions” and “resistance” against Iason can really be counted with the fingers of one hand.And all of them were unthoughtful messy fiascos that ended up hurting him and unfortunately other people.

1.The Mimea incident.Especially since Mimea was around 10 and Riki was 18.This ended with Riki severely punished,couldn’t even breath without Iason being suspicious, further pet ring restrictions,lower life conditions. Mimea died and many other pets that were exposed doing the same thing also perished.It was because of Riki’s action that Blondies eliminated all the secret rooms and took even more saloon security measures.

2.After Riki tried to escape he was beaten pretty badly and electrocuted while Daryl was executed.Again thanks to Riki’s “brilliant” reaction the security in Eos was improved.

3.When Riki tried to embarrass Iason by getting drunk and acting wild at the Bacchanalia it was his loss.Riki exposed himself and gave a very impressive show in front of everyone.The Elites and pets were all shocked by Riki’s authentic sexual brutality.After that Riki fell unconscious and stayed in bed for days because of the side effects from the Aphrodisiacs he had consumed without knowing it.

That’s pretty much all Riki has ever done to Iason though.Not hardcore at all.In fact very lame and totally stupid.

Iason on the other hand is no joke and the list of the shit he had put Riki through is almost endless.Also Riki has paid dearly for all of his actions but Iason never once got into trouble or face any consequences from his actions.

-Riki died humiliated without his manhood,disappointed by everyone and everything without ever truly living and enjoying his life,went back to a man he probably never loved and most certainly had never received love from.And there is a possibility that man was eventually revived.So Riki loses.

Riki as a character is an example or at least he should be an example for people to know what they must NEVER do.Whatever you do dont ever be Riki.

Riki can cause emotions of pity and of course it’s normal and human to feel bad about him.But objectively poor guy was a scum with a very bad personality for the most part of his life.And he has great responsibility for many things that happened to him and to others within this story.

He is not really a hero or anyone to be praised or be an inspiration or role model.The reasons why he was the way he was are understandable but don’t make him less guilty for the destruction of his life and others.

But overall he was an interesting character. Full of flaws and with a few virtues he developed towards the end of the story.

Riki was one of the first tsundere uke in the history of yaoi.

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Gonna talk about personal here regarding having sex. And etc.

I never had any romantic relationship, but had one experience (like sexting?) when I was teen to someone two years older (we've been pals for years and never do it physically). It was a thrill and I don't think I want to do it IRL, because part of me assumed it as traumatic experience, and I always afraid to look for romantic partner / starting a family of my own.

Aside sexual thing, like basically everything could ruin your marriage. I don't want it. But I'm touchstarving fellow who's weakness is keeping good relation to anyone.

I'm super envy when people goes saying how they love their partner. I want to be / have one, but I'm a coward and couldn't praise anything.

I want to take care of people, but to imagine people does it to me? Give me a break.

First off, I’d like to say I was going to answer privately to that, based on the subject, but, since it’s on anon, I am really sorry I have to post the reply like that. This is something I consider personal, therefore easier for both the person sending and myself to be open to such a conversation without fear who’s watching, judging etc. To your message, now, I too have never been into a romantic relationship before due to various reasons, some of which are based on a couple of same fears you’re describing here so, I totally understand what you mean and it’s super valid to feel that way. People keep mentioning only people who feel better not being in a relationship, or being in one and not having sex, when it comes to that subject, but not much for people like you or me, who do want the relationship part but can’t imagine themselves succeeding in keeping it strong, loving, passionate, or sth else, or even all of the above. People who’ve suffered abuse are also mentioned in such conversations, people who’ve been traumatized to try and then wish for their partners to have patience with them, as not everyone who’s been through sth like that can just “get over it“ or heal by themselves before trying a relationship with someone who shows them they deserve to be loved, or to not be afraid of abuse cause not everyone is abusive, or anything else their trauma has created in their mind and body to feel that fear. The thing is, whether it’s talked about or not, there are various reasons for people not to "feel ”able to get into a relationships or sexual contact with someone, and I use the word “feel“ loosely, because I personally think everyone is able to get into a relationship if they really want it, but fear or trauma or sth else holds them back. I am not talking about those who really don’t want it, here. Relationships are not something everyone wants and that’s okay, so anyone not into relationships here please don’t bite, that’s not what I meant.

I generalize a lot, though. To be more specific: In my opinion (which could be super wrong so please don’t take this as a fact or judgement) if part of you thinks that was a traumatizing experience for you, it is. I have experienced this myself and known people who’ve been through this before. I mean having been through something many people have and find normal, yet when you went through it, it felt scarring or even traumatic. When you go through such a feeling for something considered “normal“ you often end up thinking that maybe you are exaggerating, or that you are being oversensitive, but let me tell you what, not all people have the same limits and sensitivities. If some people are fine doing sth like that, good for them, but it’s not the same for everyone so, if you feel that hurt you, it probably did, so I think you should start from there when you think “when did i start feeling scared of getting into a relationship.“. Like you said though, there is more to that than that experience and like I said, several of these things I have felt too for my own reasons. I suck at keeping friends for a long time so i also understand your feeling unable to keep good relationships with anyone. I’ve only now started to get some balance, the last two-three years and honestly I don’t trust myself that I will manage to keep doing that. I think about it at least once a week. When I am down, it gets worse, I often find myself thinking who I should speak to and how that would affect my relationship with them because I am tired of losing friends. As for partners I have never tried but I’ve also come across people who never managed to keep friends, but have found excellent partners, so I no longer think that your ability to keep your friendships going has anything to do with your ability to keep a romantic partner or have a family. Just bringing that last one up as an example and personal observation.

I feel touchstarved a lot too, sometimes, but due to the fact I’ve also grown to dislike being touched without permission, it doesn’t bother me as much as not having someone to hold, myself. It’s like you want to give a hug but not receive it? xD Sth like that. I want to give a lot, but not necessarily receive as I too can’t imagine someone taking care of me, both due to seeing the kind of love most people enjoy (which is unfortunately not my type, but luckily that equals to me not being jealous of anyone unless I see the kind of love I am looking for, which is rare) and also because I don’t feel I deserve it. So envy is super rare for me but I do get that with all of the social media image, most people like me or like you would feel that way. If it helps in any way, try to think that those posting their love life a lot might not be showing you the bad or even real moments of their relationship. I am not saying that everyone who posts about their love all the time are fake, some people can’t stop talking about their partner when in love (been there, just with my feelings not returned), but a big percentage of them are so tell yourself that when you are feeling jealous and specify the kind of love you want and if you’d really like to have that kind of love or just love in general. It won’t solve anything but it might make you feel better.

Anyway, I am sorry I shared some advice too, I am sure you only wished to share your feelings and you already know the things I said, I didn’t say anything revolutionary anyway but please don’t give up. If it makes you feel better, start with friendships. Find people you got as many things as possible in common and try to get involved. As for partners, I don’t know what to say because I gave up on the idea long ago, but I really believe you can find someone, if that is something you want. Will it heal your fear your marriage could go to waste every single moment? No. I have the same fear, I don’t think it ever goes away. But you can always discuss it with your partner when it shows up. Now, if you are a person who dates men, it might get harder to discuss this frequently as I have noticed men find it a bit annoying when you constantly want to discuss your relationship, but if you’re into girls, I think it’s easier. Even if you don’t put yourself in a box and don’t mind such a thing, I consider women and nonbinary people more likely to discuss this often, than men, I don’t know. I guess I have lost faith in men way too much. ^^’> Again, if you wish to give up on the idea, do it, but envy is there for a reason, so I’d suggest you kept trying to find sb you like and if you do, try to be friends with them at first. You might get friendzoned yes, but in my opinion, the percentage of the possibility to be friendzoned is almost the same as that you’d get rejected at the first or one of the first dates with someone. Get to know the person you like, give yourself space to feel comfortable with them and if it is to happen it will happen. If it happens then instead of focusing on the ways everything can ruin it, focus on the ways you can save it. :) Think to yourself “what does my partner like“ and then which of those things are fine for you to do or try to show them your love. If they still leave despite your being giving, understanding etc, then they just weren’t for you. It’s not always your fault. People can be cruel. And those of them who are broken might give up on something they needed because they didn’t think they deserve it, which is why I said focus on the ways you could save it. You don’t have to force yourself though. That’s a big no. You can choose to heal inside a relationship or before getting into one. You could address to a psychologist to learn to control your fear, as well, I personally refuse to do that, but not everyone is me, so you can do as you please.

Either way, I really hope this eventually works out for you and you can always get into a relationship without expecting anything, that way you can get less hurt if it turns sours, but it can be so rewarding when you eventually realize someone is actually giving back. ^^ Give it a chance only when you are sure you can trust a person at least at 10%. Your fears won’t allow you trust them completely and your self-sabotage might get in the way so try that, if you really want to be with someone one day. Get to know them, try to see if you’d trust them and then try to make a move oooor discuss it with them, what kind of person you are looking for I mean. They might like you back if they realize what you are looking for is “similar“ to them. :3 Best of luck to you, dear. As hard as life may be and as hard as it might have hit you, don’t let it win. It’s your life, goddammit, if you want sth go after it even if you’re afraid. Courage has nth to do with being free of fear, it is being able to tell your fears you’re doing this even if you’re shaking. If it is what you want (getting in a romantic and loving relationship), then no one, not your fears, nor social media, nor society, not even God, themselves, if they exist, can tell you you cannot have it.

[j4ylov]

Cheater

Pairing: Peter parker x reader 

Request: “OMG PLS DO A PETER PARKER IMAGINE BASED ON THE SONG CHEATER BY THE VAMPS AND CAN YOU MAKE IT HAVE A FLUFFY ENDING AND MAYBE A MAKEOUT OR SOME SHIT” - @blueskaikru

word count: 2953

Hope you guys enjoy!

REMEMBER REQUEST ARE OPEN!!!

3 months. You had been in a lovely relationship with your boyfriend for about 3 months, and everything seemed kinda perfect. Maybe to perfect to be true. Your boyfriend Mark had always treated you nicely, however the past weeks he had been cold and distant with you. Despite all the things you had tried he seemed to be lost in his own world. He kept canceling dates and ignoring your calls, you could tell he was growing more distant with each passing day, however you had one last idea that might bring your boyfriend's attention back to you. You were supposed to meet your best friend Peter at his place. You wanted to talk about it with him. He would help you out right? After all, he was a man, he had to know what was going on with Mark. Peter and you had been best friends since you could remember. His apartment was just above yours, and since you both attended the same school it wasn't long after you called each other best friend. People always used to insist that you and Peter were the perfect couple, and for a little while during your freshman year you actually believed it, however he never tried to make a move on you. You remembered all that time you wished he would see you as something more than a friend with some nostalgia. When everybody started mentioning what a good couple you would both make, Peter had immediately shut those people down. After a while you just realised that maybe you were better being just friends. A little part of you would always wonder what being Peter's girlfriend would feel like, but right now you had a lovely boyfriend, even if he hadn't really been present lately. You got into his apartment without even knocking, knowing Aunt May wasn't even around, you loved her, but it was definitely better this way; you didn't want to have this conversation with an audience.

You went straight to Peter’s room, sitting in his bed right across him. He gave you a quick glance and a smile before returning to his homework. "Hey Y/n! Where have you been? I didn't see you at school today” "Yeah well, I skipped it, I needed time to think about something". This time the boy left his duties aside, giving you his complete attention. "Is everything okay at home?" God you loved this boy! He always cared for you and made sure you were okay. "Yeah  Yeah of course! But is something else- something with- you know, Mark" you finally said as you looked at the boy. You didn't want to annoy him with your girl talk, but you didn't knew who else to turn to. "Do you want to talk about it?" The boy didn't love the idea of you and Mark, however he didn't opposed to it. If it made you happy he was happy as well. " It's just that- he has been really distant with me lately, canceling dates and I'm pretty sure he is lying to me! Can you believe it? But anyways- I think I may have a solution, but-well I don't know for sure" "Well dummy, you can always tell me! I can tell you if it's a bad idea" A blush spread through your cheeks, making your whole face heat up . You could not believe you were about to tell this to your best friend and former crush. "Well I've been thinking that- well- I think- I think I might do it with him" You couldn't even look Peter in the eye after what you had just said. Why did you think it was a good idea? "Do what?" "You know-the thing!" She felt the embarrassment filling her up once again. If she couldn't even say the word sex how was she planning on actually doing it? "I will have sex with Mark" For a couple of second everything was completely quiet as you waited for his reaction.

Finally Peter got out of his trance and his eyes grew considerably while a scarlet color adorned his whole face. He could not believe what you just had told him.

“What?! Are you crazy?! Why would you even do that?!”

The boy seemed confused and hurt. He had said those words with a voice tone that would have made you believe Peter was jealous, however you knew better than that. Peter was probably just trying to protect you.

“Peter is not a big deal! Were both 18!”

“So? Being 18 doesn't mean you have to go and get rid of your v card immediately!”

“Peter I honestly don't know why are you so upset! I didn't threw a big fuss over how you lost it to Liz Allen last year!”

Both teenagers had started yelling at this point. They couldn't believe the other was being so stubborn about the topic.

“But I did it because I wanted to! Not just to get the attention of a douche boy back!”

“What exactly are you trying to tell me Peter?”

“You shouldn't feel the need to have sex with Mark in order to win him back! If he loved you he wouldn't lie or ignore you!”

“Of course he loves me! We just need this to make our relationship stronger”

He doesn't love you! He doesn't love you half as much as I do, the boy thought to himself. “ When you give him what he wants he will dump you Y/n!”

“How dare you? Mark would never!”

You started pacing around the room before looking once again at Peter.

“You know what- forget it, I don't know why I came here, I guess I was counting on my best friend, but now I know you don't care”

Just as you were heading towards the door Peter grabbed your wrist, stopping you from leaving and pulled you close to his chest hugging you. This was a situation you had found yourself many times in, immediately hiding you face in the crock of his neck. He hold you as he started whispering.

“Of course I care dummy! And because I care I’m trying to warn you, I don't want you to get hurt, or do something you don't feel prepared for”

This had left you speechless. You had asked yourself this question many times. Were you ready? For many people sex was just an ordinary activity, however you didn't want to waste what you felt was your one chance to have the perfect first time. Will Mark be gentle on you? Or would he just want to do it fast and rough? You didn't knew if you were prepared for that yet.

You hadn't even noticed but at some point you had started to cry, damping Peter’s t-shirt and hugged him stronger. Peter was rubbing his hand in your back, holding you, when he put his hand on your face, holding your chin so he could see you in the eye.

“I don't ever wanna see you crying for some boy okay?”

With his other hand he cleaned away the tears from your cheeks. As he did so you realised how close you two were. From this position you could count the lashes in Peter’s eyes, those brown eyes you had found yourself getting lost in, those same eyes which were now staring at you. Peter seemed to realise the distance between you two as well as he looked at your lips and once again at your eyes. You could feel you two getting even closer and a part of you wanted to stop while the other wanted to continue even further. Your lips were about to brush together, but you could tell Peter was still waiting for your approval.

You couldn't do this! The rational part of you pulled away right before you could kiss the boy. Oh God! We're you actually going to kiss Peter Parker? As you glanced at the boy you could see the confusion in his eyes.

“What happened? Did I do something wrong?”

“Peter- I just- I don't- Peter you know I have a boyfriend! God, I came to talk to you about him!”

“He doesn't deserve you Y/n! He never will!”

“Let me make those choices”

With this final decision you stormed out the room, more than ready to make yours and Mark’s relationship work.

---

Peter was left alone, watching as you leaved his room and probably his life as well. Not only was he losing you but now he knew what you planned on giving to Mark.

He felt devastated, angry at that stupid  asshole  who couldn't appreciate what he had right in front of his eyes, but mostly heartbroken, because even with all of that you had chosen him over Peter.    He felt his eyes itching, with tears beginning to form in his eyes. He felt his blood boiling under his skin and started gripping his hands into fists, refusing to let the tears roll down.

Before he realised he was punching his bed and pillows, trying to get all his frustration out. He needed some spidey action to get you and everything out of his minds. The boy quickly changed into his suit and leaved the apartment, anxious to punch somebody in the face.

However the boy was in no luck. Today of all days seemed to be the quietest and calmest of the whole year. He hadn't witnessed any robberies or attacks and all his energy was starting to build up inside him.

He decided to swing from budding to building trying to get some of the energy out, and without even realizing he suddenly found himself right outside Mark’s house. He hadn't even noticed he had made his way there, but now that he was he couldn't bring himself to go back to his own place.

He couldn't go face Mark like he wanted to, after all he was still wearing the suit, but just as he was preparing to go back, he saw from the coroner of his eye as Mark entered the building with a girl in his arms. Peter realised he was too late. You were already in Mark’s home and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He knew it was none of his business, but still he climbed the wall up to the window in Mark’s room. Even from the outside he could listen to the couple's voices as they laughed together.

Peter was just a coward. He had been so afraid of ruining your friendship with his feelings for you  that he had settled with just being friends. But he wanted so much more. He wanted to take your hand and kiss you. He wanted to hold you close all day and all night. He wanted to call you mine and do all the things you were probably about to let Mark do to you.

The boy had been so lost in his own thoughts he had barely noticed that the silence that surrounded him was now filled with other sounds he rather not hear.

Even from the outside he could hear the gasps and moans that filled the room.He could not bear to listen anymore as you asked Mark to touch you more and go further.

Just as he was giving up on spying he heard a name that was clearly not yours.

“Stacy, you treat me so good”

Unless Peter was going crazy that was definitely not your name. More moaning from Mark was heard, and even though he wanted to leave so desperately he also needed to know what was happening.

“Y/n would never be this good”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Mark had a girl up in his room doing things that were definitely not friendly. That jerk was cheating on you! Peter had to tell you as soon as possible! He could not let that idiot hurt you that way!

Whether you loved Peter or not he still had to warn you. He decided going to his place to change clothes and finding you was the best option. The boy swung from the buildings as quickly as he could, arriving to his  place at a record time.

He got changed into some jeans and t-shirt, taking his keys and making his way to the apartment's door. He got to hurry if he wanted to reach you in time to stop you. He opened the door ready to leave, however the boy was surprised when you were already in the entry, about to knock on the door.

Both teenagers stared at each other with surprise in their faces. Peter did not expect you to be here, he thought you were probably on your way to Mark’s. The boy took a long look at Y/n, you looked apparently the same, however he could see how puffy and red your eyes were.

You realised Peter had noticed how you’ve been crying before. You probably looked like hell.  You lowered your gaze trying to hide your face a little and straighten your hair.

“What are y-”

“You were right”

Peter had tried to talk but you interrupted him.

“About what?”

“Mark he- he was- he was with-”

You tried to explain. Explain how you had gone to Mark’s hoping to surprise him only to find him snogging some other girls face. he didn't even look remotely sorry. You wanted to tell Peter how you had broken up and how sorry you were about you attitude to him.

But all those words were caught up in your throat. Your voice was trembling and you couldn't form any sentences. You were to afraid that Peter will kick you out and never forgive you. As you looked into those brown eyes you found yourself unable to talk at all, and your eyes picking and filling with tears as you realised Peter had only tried to protect you.

Words were not needed between the both of you. Peter stepped closer to you, holding you near his chest and letting you cry, the same way he had done those hours ago. He didn't need to tell you anything and neither did you.

Once again you found yourself between those arms.  Everything felt so in place, so perfect. Not even once you had felt that way between Mark’s arms. He guided you towards his couch, still holding you close.

“I’m so sorry Peter I- thank you, you know for everything”

“ Shhhh- don't worry about it, I’ll always be here for you”

You pulled apart once again. You knew he wouldn't approach you anymore, as he was just rejected a couple hours ago, but still something pulled you towards him, grabbing his face between your hands. You stroke his cheek as your thumb move to his mouth. Peter’s eyes grew at the sight of you watching his own lips.

“If this is you trying to apologize you don't have-”

You cut Peter off by finally brushing your lips to his joining in a small kiss. You pulled apart only to move closer to him in his couch, kissing him once again.

“This is me apologizing, for not telling you, how I’ve really feel about you for all this years”.

Peter finally gave in grabbing your waist and pushing your body towards the armrest, with him above you.His hand stopped cupping your face and moved towards you legs, pushing them slightly open to place himself between them.

You felt yourself breathing a little heavier. You wanted to pull apart to catch your breath, however you needed to be close to Peter more. You continued kissing him and biting into his lips, trying to deepen more the kiss. Peter couldn't stop the moaning that came out from his mouth as you moved your hand under his shirt, stroking his stomach with your cold hands. He could feel your smirk under your kissing, so he pulled apart. Instead he chose to bite and suck on your neck, leaving small love bites.

“You know how mad it made me? Knowing he would be touching and doing all the things I want to do to you?”

His words distracted your hands from their touching, while Peter hold the above your head.

“I don't want him to touch you, or kiss you- Hell, I don't even want him to look at you”

You could not stop the little whimpers from coming out. Listening to Peter talk to you that way made you feel all warm inside.

He continued to kiss on your collarbone, sliding his hand towards your waist once again. This time you placed your hands on his back, pulling him closer. He brought his face close to you, this time looking straight into your eyes.

“I love you more than anything”

“I love you too, Peter”

And you really meant it. After all this years your feeling for him had only grew stronger. Now you knew that all those kisses with Mark didn't really meant anything, because he wasn't Peter.

“You’ll never have to do that with me. I’ll always wait for you darling”

With this final words Peter brought your head to his chest and reclined both of you on the couch, cuddling you. He gave you a forehead kiss and while you stared in his big brown eyes you realised that was the place you felt the safest at. Beside the boy you had and will always love, Peter.

[thegirlintrovert]

The Lying Game

From the women I have connected with in the past year, I’ve learned some exception to not being able to leave a current relationship, such as children, assets, abuse, and/or waiting for your legal papers to be finalized so you can reside in the USA. But, in this entry, it is the mainstream reasons without the extenuating circumstances. 

Define cheating?

Do I really have to? I guess there is no clear cut definition of cheating. Cheating is difficult to define because people differ in the type of contact they feel it is appropriate for a partner to have with someone else. All in all, this is how I define cheating: If you have to sneak to do it, lie to cover it up, or delete it to keep it from being seen, then you need to be single. 

Cheating doesn’t mean you have to kiss, meet, or have sex with someone else. Once you find yourself deleting messages so your partner will not see them, then you are already there.

The cheater.

We all know that secret and lies kill any relationships. No matter how careful you are, you will eventually get caught. So why risk all? 

In most cases, men are believed to be natural born cheaters or at least highly predispose to cheating, as if somewhere in their DNA, a genetic mutation took place that caused an aversion to monogamous relationship. But how could this be when other men are able to be faithful to their woman? Ha! It’s because there is never an excuse to cheat. This is why a cheating behavior always correlates a negative punishment. 

Remember: They cheated because they wanted to. They lied, because they could, and now they’re sorry because they got caught not because they are wrong. It’s always about them. If you cheat on someone that is willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out of true loyalty.

Why do they cheat?

Cheaters are cowards that are tempted to chase the fantasy of what could be, instead of courageously addressing their own self-destructive and cultivating what is. He is someone who is just too damn selfish to chose one side or the other, but instead demands to have his cake and eat it too.  

I’m not happy with my current relationship. 

So you’re unhappy with him or the overall relationship? Then, why do you have to stay unhappy with him/her instead of leaving? Why do you have to cheat when you can leave? There’s no right reason to cheat on someone, unless, you’re forced to do so at gunpoint or with a dangerous abusive partner. I’ve noticed that they refused to leave their current partner because he/she is afraid to be alone.  They choose to cheat and juggle both parties, because they want a win-win result at the end. If it doesn’t work with person A, then they still have person B. It’s the matter of being a victor and having a safe haven to fall back to.  

Don’t cheat! If you are unhappy just leave! Oh wait, you’re NOT unhappy, you just want to have your cake and eat it too, because if you were that unhappy, you wouldn’t put so much effort into hiding your cheating from your partner. 

He’s my soulmate, the timing isn’t right. 

Ummm… no! Overlapping will never result in anything good. For my Christian/Catholic ladies… Just in case you’re  confused. God will never send you someone else’s husband or boyfriend. 

Why settle for half-a-man when you have your own man? If he’s cheating with you, then he will cheat on you! Karma is real, so please give the next woman’s relationship the same respect you’d want her to give yours. No matter the reasons are, do not be the other woman. Leave him. The second you take him back again will be your fall. 

Don’t mind being the other woman and think the one being cheated is the fool? 

If you succeed in cheating someone, don’t think that person is a fool. relative that the person trusted you more than you deserved. If your boyfriend cheated on you, maybe it’s worth exploring a second chance, but if you start a relationship being the other woman, you will never be the only woman. Well, being the other woman does not make you special, it makes you a runner-up. Don't play this game, you will lose! 

If you continue and become an active participant despite his failed promises, don’t expect to get treated like number 1 while playing the role of number 2.

If you agree to be the other woman, you’re worse than him.

He said, he left her, then next thing you know they’re still together. You hated her more. You wanted him back (as a single man). You wanted to win against her, even though every conceivable prize worth something had already been lost. It was ugly, and you are ugly for engaging it.

Part of you will always believe, even if you find the overall concept a bit ridiculous, that this has something to do with karma. You don’t think that it has a 1:1 ratio, or that you necessarily deserved what you got, but you do believe that something of what you put out in the world does come back to you in some way. Though this isn’t the reason you shouldn’t be the other woman. 

Something truly ugly happens in people when we feel that we’re losing something we love, something that we put in the work for and cared for, such as our significant other. This happens to all of us, but it is so often amplified between women because society as a whole is eager to see us fight. To paint us as good and bad, Madonna and Whore. And the woman who was slighted is filled with irrational hate, with jealousy, with a desire to have some kind of victory over the other. The other is hateful of the girlfriend because she represents everything that she cannot be with any trace of dignity. Both of them are robbed of their respect, of their empathy, of their sanity.

It brings out the worst in us, and makes us distrustful of the very same love around which we base so much of our happiness. It creates rivalries where there should be understanding, even friendship. And though both parties can end up doing ugly things, there is only one of the two who makes the choice to enter into and complicate things. You are not a homewrecker, you are not the sole wrongdoer. You are not the reason why it isn’t working between them. But you are making a choice to hurt another woman, to pit yourself against her, and to make her unable to trust again for years after it’s all over. You are stealing something from her, and it’s not her boyfriend. It’s not her husband. You are stealing her innocence, her desire to see the good in people, and her ability to be calm-headed about the problems in her own relationship. You are going to reduce her to someone who only sees in betrayal and lies.

There may be a million things wrong with her, but no one ever deserves this.And none of us should ever be the other woman, the one who drives the both of you past the limits that you had always prided yourselves on having. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you. And even if you think you love someone who is in a relationship, it’s always better to love yourself more. If they really want to be with you, they’ll leave and start things the right way. And you know it.

Sneaking around requires more work than working on the relationship you’re already in. For once in your life, please use your brain.

There’s a quote that says, “A cheater’s punishment is to live a life of mistrust because they live in constant fear that the person that cheated with the, will also cheat on them. Some cal it poetic justice, but I call it Karma.”

A woman who sleeps with another woman’s husband/partner will say anything to try to justify their actions. “His woman is crazy, his woman is a bitch, he doesn’t love her anymore.” They never stop to question the man who cheats on the woman he vowed his life to. They never stop to wonder if perhaps his wife/partner is a crazy bitch because his cheating ass made her that way. And they certainly never stop to think that maybe someday he might to the same to her.