#covid did crazy things to my brain

[britneyshakespeare]

why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety

[midnight-mourning]

*Taps mic* Heard y'all like Moon around here, you're in luck, this one's for you

massive, MASSIVE thank you to @lunarmoves for beta-reading this chapter!!

She put a lot of time and effort into making my BS readable for y'all and it's greatly appreciated <3 <3 <3

Shay also makes really good dca stuff (also sebastian solace but I know very little about the fish tbh) and you should check her out!

Also, happy 200k+!!! We're only 297k from truly becoming the 500k enemies to lovers slowburn of our dreams lmaoooo

But for real I apologize for such a delay with this one. If you'd like to hear my excuses/reasoning they're below the cut, or you can just go read the chapter whatever suits ya ^-^

Tag list (if you would like added please see this post for more info):

@scarletcowboy @beemyhuneybee @fishm0ther @deviouscrackers @elsajoyagent8

@luckyyyduckyyy @zenkaiankoku @jogimote @local-shrub @amarynthian-chronicles

@robinette-green @everlightreader @sinister-sincerely @starredeclipse @dangerva

CW: medical stuff & additionally a bit of unreality mentions

Okay going to try and keep this simple bc I've said parts of it before

So as most of you know, I've been sick for 3 months now

I've now been on two rounds of steroids, and currently on my third round of antibiotics, which are basically keep me fucntional, not improving

besides general discomfort and pain, my memory has been pretty shot at times, I will go through the day and barely remember what I did/what I'm doing/what I need to do

as someone who had brain fog caused by covid a few years ago, this was genuinely a scary experience because ultimately, this has been worse

i've felt out of control of my body, having times where I'm mid thought and then instantly lose it

this is not my normal, I usually pride myself on my memory, so losing it has been incredibly devastating and scary

this was not helped by the fact that the quick care I went to (THREE TIMES for this) basically kind of sort of tried to gaslight me into believing nothing could be done and that it's not an infection

so not only has this entire thing has gotten dragged out so much more, which makes me sad tbh, but I've also felt like I've been going crazy bc it felt like no one was believing me when i said I was sick and not getting any better (including friends, family, coworkers etc, though unintentional on their parts to be fair)

I feel like I've lost three months of my life and coming to terms with that has been, yeah

on top of all that, I'm still in school AND doing grad stuff, and while the school side of things has been okay (thank god), grad's had it's moments, won't get into it but have had multiple issues with my advisor that have been at times just really tough to deal with

Confused spirit got pushed to the back burner, because i quite literally at times could not think, and when it comes to this fic, where there's multiple ongoing plot threads, characterizations, lore, and so on to keep track of, it was just, impossible to me to even consider writing for it

having shorter stuff like promptober, the oneshots and such was great to keep me writing, and also still interact with everyone in the community, plus i had a lot of fun with them so that helped too

this is all to say that I do sincerly apologize for the delay, and at the very least I should've clearly communicated about there being a hiatus, when this all started I thought i'd be down for two weeks max, then as that time kept increasing I just kept putting it off and putting it off because i thought i was going to get better, and then I didn't

I do this for fun and for nothing else, fic writing isn't content (it's engaging with fandom) and i have to remind myself of that sometimes but given that I've been around in some capacity on and off I feel I should've said something in some regard

Having said all that, I'm doing okay now! Still sick, but as long as I'm on meds I'm functional, stuff is getting managable with grad, and hopefully have some fun things coming up irl! Point is, the last three months haven't been the best, but they've been alright, due in part to all the support you all have given me, so thank you for that, can't say it enough :)

Okay, I think that just about covers it, thank you for taking the time to read all of this if you did <3

[jmdbjk]

Dear diary: day 613 on the couch...

Not really. It's only been 7 days. See what I did there? Actually, it has been exactly 7 days.

I'm about done with this covid crap but still at home out of "Abundance Of Caution."

And because I am a little stir-crazy/cabin-feverish, having seen everything on the internet twice and three times already and shit and having nothing left to do, I started rewatching Are You Sure?. Of course I did.

And as my now recovered brain would do when its not laying like a pile of grey jelly suffering from covid cooties, it is speeding through all the thoughts that are thotting up there. Damn it and them.

One in particular... that great pic of Tae and Manager-nim with JK photobombing in the background, supposedly taken in Hawaii, is the biggest thot thought of all. Not for the same reasons that others are celebrating the pic for. Redrum.

This one that Tae said he forgot about.

Tae posts pics of he and JK which supposedly was taken when he was in Hawaii and was apparently going skydiving and invited JK to come do it with him...very early 2023 by the look of JK's hair. So you're telling me Taehyung went skydiving... SUPPOSEDLY literally jumped out of an airplane from way up in the sky in Hawaii... yet in Jeju in late September of same year, he acted like he was too scared to jump onto a sandbag from a stationary platform 30 feet in the air in a controlled environment with a safety harness on... (side-eye).

Or did Tae chicken out at the last minute in Hawaii and not actually jump out of a plane? Will we ever know? Did JK fly all the way there to hold his hand and he still chickened out? It kind of looks like JK is having to convince Tae in the above pic. Don't back out on me now bruh, I flew 9 hours to do this shit, I'm doing it with or without you.

Pretty sure JK went through with it because during an interview last year, he said he's been skydiving, right? So if he did, SURELY someone caught that on camera? Will we EVER see it?

And if Tae DID jump out of that airplane too... please explain exactly WHO is doing the fan-service in Are You Sure?

In other news, I heard the cult was mad at JK because guess what? They finally actually watched original content (episode 4) thinking they'd see more of what they thought they saw in Ep. 3 and therefore hijack the show. Wrong. Original content is kryptonite to the cult. Surprised they didn't all melt into the ground like the wicked witch when they watched it.

I haven't seen anyone mention all the secret hand signs or codes that supposedly pass between Tae and JK. Duh. Because there is no such thing as secret hand signs and secret codes.

Except this one which isn't secret at all:

FYI, I think the pool moment when JK reminded JM the pool was transparent, I think Jimin was gonna yank JK's pants down. I think its one of their silly kinks when they are down to their skivvies. Which they were. Those two... I swear... can't take them anywhere.

And lastly, no excuse now for JK to not do that CK underwear ad... maybe he's already done it and it'll hit us when we least expect. The thoughts are thotting.

My brain would welcome any perfectly logical explanations to any of this.

[strniohoeee]

I NEED a pregnancy reader x matt smut

Gravid

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N is pregnant and yearning for Matt after reading mommy to be books, and learning about her libido spiking….will he give in?😙

Warnings⚠️: SMUT BABES, it’s nothing crazy just sex while pregnant? Idk shit bout being pregnant, so I tried my best LMAOO

Song for the imagine: Baby Love- The Supremes

⚠️This is an 18+ story, so minors do not interact, or do??⚠️

Matt and I had been dating for a good four years. We were both 21 now, and he and his brothers were super famous on YouTube. I always had a feeling they’d get bigger than they thought. I was there for every milestone, and when they hit 5 million subscribers we were so fucking happy

I was occasionally in videos, I preferred to stay out of them as those were his brothers lives, and not mine. However I would pop out here and there since we were 18. At first most fans thought we were friends until we were 20, and finally came out to say that we had been dating since we were 18. We got the expected comments half loving and half hating, but I didn’t care I was secure in my relationship.

However, Matt and I’s anniversary was a while back, and we had fun, LOTS OF FUN consisting of sex, sex and more sex.

But after two weeks I started to feel sick, and sore and just not right, so I decided to go to the doctor thinking it was the flu, or covid. What I didn’t expect was to find out I was pregnant… A WEEK AND A HALF PREGNANT.

I was shocked, but I also knew I wanted to keep this baby, and Matt and I weren’t always the most careful when it came to having sex. But he always told me if I got pregnant he’d take care of me with no questions asked.

I was currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I was showing, but not enough to really make people think. Especially since I dressed to hide my bump, and posed specific ways

The fans suspected nothing, and we didn’t want to say anything till I was almost due. Chris and Nick immediately jumped for joy and were always by my side if Matt couldn’t be. His parents and their brother Justin also supported me.

Mary-Lou and Jimmy would fly out like once a month to spend a few days with Matt and I. They were so excited to be grandparents.

I was reading a lot of what to expect when you’re expect type of books to prepare as best as I could. I was genuinely shocked at all the new information I was finding out

What I did read was starting at 14 weeks women experience a spike in there libido, and I kind of had a feeling because anytime I saw Matt I wanted to jump his bones

It’s called baby brain….we become different, and feral

Matt was out filming with his brothers and I was at home just doing nothing. I heard Matt come home, but I only heard him

He came into the bedroom

“Hey baby” he said putting his stuff down on his desk

“Hey Matt. Where’s Chris and Nick?” I asked

“They went shopping. They said that they wanted to buy some things for the baby” he said walking over and rubbing my little baby bump

“Aww that’s so nice of them. They don’t have to” I said looking up at Matt

“Yeah I know, but they wouldn’t budge they said there’s so many things they want to buy” he said sitting down to take his sneakers off

“They’re too nice I love them” I said as I rubbed my baby bump

Matt came over and laid next to me resting his head on his left hand while looking at me

“What’s my pretty lady been up to?” He asked

“I’ve just been reading these mommy to be books” I said pointing to a stack of books on the nightstand

“Find out anything good?” He asked

“Actually yes, our sex drive spikes at 14 weeks” I told him

“How far along are you?” He asked smirking

“Exactly 14 weeks today” I said winking at him

“Oh well then this must mean one thing” he said smiling at me

“It means you look so fucking hot all the time, I’m ready to jump on you when you walk through that door” I said

“Oh really?” He asked jutting (ew) his bottom lip out while pondering

“Oh yeah, and when you wear those whore outfits looking fine asf. I lose all self respect” I said giving him a kiss

“Oh baby, I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself” he said kissing me

“So don’t. I want to fuck, and I want it now” I said sitting up

“Won’t I hurt the baby?” He asked

“Matt….. be for real right now. Do you think the baby got his hand hanging out of my cervix ready to high five your dick?” I asked laughing at him

“You’re such a weirdo with your explanations” he said laughing at me

“You will not hurt the baby. It actually says sex is usually more enjoyable when the woman is pregnant” I told him

“So then let’s find out” he said grabbing my cheek and kissing me

Matt laid me back down as he hovered over me kissing me, and then slowly going down to my neck leaving sloppy kisses

“Matt I missed this” I said sighing

“Me too baby” he said coming back up and kissing my lips

He removed his shirt and his pants, and then took my shirt, and shorts off

“You look so fucking hot pregnant” he said gently rubbing my bump

“Maybe after this one we can have another” I said winking at him

“Oh baby I’ll have as many as you want” he said kissing me

Matt had slid off my underwear before coming back up to kiss me, and massaging my breasts lightly because they were a little sore

As he was kissing me, he slowly slid his hand down to massage my clit

“Fuck baby you’re so wet, and I haven’t even done much” he said looking into my eyes

“Matt when I tell you everytime I see you, I need you…I mean it” I told him

“Fuck baby” he said before going back to rubbing my clit, and slowly inserting two fingers inside of me

“Oh fuck Matt that feels so good” I said moaning at the feeling

He kept pumping his fingers in and out of me, before finally removing them, and placing his dick at my entrance

“Ready baby?” He asked

“I’m ready” I said, and slowly Matt slid into me completely bottoming out

“Fuck baby please move” I moaned out to him

Within an instant Matt was thrusting into me at a good pace, not too hard and not too soft. It felt amazing, and his pelvic bone was rubbing against my clit allowing for extra stimulation

“Oh baby I’m going to cum soon” Matt said as he thrusted into me while kissing my neck

“Me too. This feels so fucking good” I moaned out to him

Sex with Matt was always amazing, but I think because of my hormones it felt extra fucking good. I was so fucking wet like the sounds coming from me were insane

Matt kept thrusting into me, and I couldn’t stop clenching down on him

“Fuck matt I’m going to cum” I said clenching down on him harshly

“Come on baby, cum for me” he said thrusting into me and rubbing my clit

“Oh fuckkk” I yelled out as I came so hard all over Matt, my whole fucking body was shaking and my breathing stopped

“Oh my god” I said coming down from my high breathing heavily

Matt soon pulled out, and came all over my lower stomach. He came down from his high, and immediately ran to get a wet rag

“Sorry…cumming on your baby bump feels wrong” he said laughing, and I laughed with him because he’s such a weirdo

“It’s okay you weirdo” I said laughing at him and sitting up

We cleaned ourselves up, and got dressed, and in queue we heard the front door open

“Look at that perfect timing” he said getting up from the bed, and we both walked out to the living room

“We’re BACKKKKK” Nick yelled as he walked in with a ton of target bags full of baby stuff

“Guys what is all this” I said looking at the bags

“Well we have to spoil our unborn niece or nephew” Chris said bringing in more bags

“YALL THIS IS CRAZY” I said as my eyes fell on at least 12 bags of baby stuff

“Listen we’re so excited you have no idea” Nick said

“Hmm” Chris suddenly stopped and looked at Matt and I

“What?” matt said

“I know what was going on here” he said smirking at us

“The fuck are you talking about?” I said

“My poor niece or nephew was getting scrambled….yall was fuckingggggg” Chris said

“The fuck?” Matt said

“Well…..y/n your hair?? And Matt your shirt is on inside out and backwards” Chris said laughing

“MATT” I said smacking him

“OH MY GOD” Nick said laughing

“Uhh sorry?” Matt said getting all shy

We just laughed at this awkward interaction, and then Chris and Matt gave me a haul of what they got me while explaining every single item, and how either they will use it, or how I will use it

The End

Once again I hope yall enjoyed, and for the person that requested this I hope I didn’t disappoint 🥰 also I would like to do a/n at the end of my stories, so if you have any like personal questions, you can ask them here, and I’ll answer them in the next stories endings or as a separate thread 🤭🤭

-J💅🏽

[waspabi]

truly busts my gut when i read like "wow SOME OBSESSIVE people think we should LOCK DOWN FOREVER until there is ZERO COVID which is IMPOSSIBLE and there are LOTS OF ILLNESSES THAT RUIN YOUR ORGANS NOT JUST COVID so in fact maybe YOU ARE ABLEIST for appropriating ACTUALLY DISABLED people's CONCERNS" like... (a) honey anyone isn't disabled until suddenly they are and (b) i thought we tested this kind of zero sum fatalism on global warming and found it super unhelpful or...?? why are we jumping to lockdown??? my bro... my buddy... there are...things called masks...that u can wear when ur sick or in close quarters... there are these things called air purifiers... hvac systems...air filtration... omg and things called windows, and when you open them, less people get sick. any kind of sick! isn't that crazy. absolutely wild. i, a teacher of small children, certainly cannot do lockdown and have no interest in doing lockdown and certainly only did it for about 3 weeks, but i can... open the windows? wear a mask? so my children get less organ damage and their teacher can teach them all year instead of going on medical leave? and even if i were not disabled i would still open the damn windows because i would rather my students and i not get any kind of sick...? also brains don't work as well when the air doesn't circulate? the real issue is air quality? this is not a huge drama?

"we had the black death therefore we shouldn't do anything about covid" DO YOU THINK PEOPLE DID NOTHING ABOUT THE BLACK DEATH. do you think people saw cholera and were like, hmm i love shitting my soul out of my body, let's not do anything about the water?? we'll just naturally learn to digest feces??? what is going on here. just find whoever annoyed you annoying like a normal person. it doesn't have to be ideological war.

[silentsneezes]

i just had the most snzfic moment and i was going crazy oh my god

for context, i’ve had a little cold for the past couple days (not covid), and i was doing dishes w my crush in my apartment. and god did i need to sneeze, but both my hands were wet and soapy and i couldn’t do a thing to rub my nose

i tried rubbing my nose on my shoulder and it left a little wet spot on my t shirt (i dont think he saw it) but my brain was whirring so fast

i’ve already sneezed around him 5 times today and he’s blessed me every time (twice while we were cuddling)

also im usually pretty good at stifling my sneezes entirely, but they’ve been louder today and it’s so embarassing (literally no one else gaf)

[infinityonhighvevo]

i know it’s personal but if you are ever interested in sharing that story on here i’d be interested in hearing it! <3

hehehehe thanks anon i love talking about my heart problems <3 medical story time below so trigger warning for all that; tldr i died but i got better

so i’m in my first semester of my sophomore year of college and i get sick. i’m the type of guy who gets sick a bunch but, having just come out of a COVID spike in the area i lived in, i was nervous. i go to the doctor and test negative so i assume it’s just a miserable cold. (i test negative another twelve times throughout the ordeal.) i have a fever for a few days; it goes away but i’m still coughing, short of breath but not wheezing, and tired. i’m sick like this for like six or seven weeks (yeah, weeks) before i go to my doctor again. after a clear chest x-ray she’s like, okay, your lungs sound like ass, it’s walking pneumonia, take ten days of antibiotics and get another x-ray if it doesn’t get better

meanwhile, i can’t walk anywhere because i can’t breathe, i have to stop while walking up the stairs to my fifth floor dorm room because my heart races any time i do more than two flights, my feet are crazy swollen, i have to sleep sitting up because i can’t breathe lying down, and i keep waking up at like 2 in the morning to pee because my muscles are so weak i genuinely can’t hold it. basically, i’m super gross. (and, as it turns out, dying.)

the ten days of antibiotics go by and i’m sicker than ever. i go get a second chest x ray through my school’s medical center. (which sucks, by the way. the people care but they can’t do shit.) i get a call at the end of the day from them: they want me to uber to the er for a CT. yeah. uber. props to them for not saddling me with an ambulance bill but i was for real dying and they should have done it anyway. my good friend is luckily free to drive me, though, so i scarf down some microwaveable mac and cheese (because college) and off we go.

i sit in the ER with a former friend for six whole hours before i get taken back. i get tested on, i throw up my maccy cheese, and finally at 2am i get told by the er doc, very bitchily, that i need to have a procedure done. i am the type of deathly ill where my brain just isn’t cognitively functioning, so i do not understand what he is saying. i ask if he can wait until the morning so my parents can be there. he rolls his eyes and is just as bitchy to my surgeon father who i call on the phone. i don’t end up having the procedure done, and my mom comes to get me first thing next morning. she takes me to the hospital my dad works at. i get my lung drained!

the x-ray that my school had sent me to get showed that my right lung had almost completely collapsed. for context, each lung can hold about a liter of air. i had 850mL of fluid drained from my pleural space, which is the sac surrounding the lung. it had almost completely collapsed my lung. the procedure was gross but not that painful. they stick a syringe between your ribs and pull the fluid out. you get numbed, so it just feels like weird pressure, but the fluid itself is nasty and murky. i felt better after my thoracentesis—still sick, but better. they kept me overnight for observation, thinking that it was just bad pneumonia from my asthma and that everything was fixed.

everything was not even close to being fixed. i slept like ass and felt even worse. at like 8am they did an echocardiogram, which is basically a heart ultrasound. by 10am i’d been moved up to a different wing and was shaking hands with the guy about to break my sternum open and save my life by stopping my heart for a few hours.

basically, i had a strain of strep that travels in the bloodstream. it had, by sheer force of terrible luck, infected my mitral valve, completely destroying it. we think i had a congenital defect, but the valve was so fucked when i got to the hospital that they literally couldn’t tell. if i hadn’t had surgery when i did, i think i would have only lasted another week. i got open heart surgery to replace my valve with a prosthetic, and then a pacemaker surgery five days later because my rhythm didn’t come back on its own. i got put on hardcore antibiotics for like six weeks that i lowkey became allergic to at the end.

overall, it was not a fun experience but it did dramatically shape me as a human being. i’m now a cyborg and i get cold/numb fingers and toes really easily. also my scars turn bright red when i drink, which is a fun party trick. i’m bluetooth enabled, which is terrifying, and i get special treatment at the airport, which is nice because i like attention. the best part? built in icebreaker for the rest of my life. the worst part was the dying. obviously.

seriously, though, if you’re short of breath for a while, have a fever at any point, and have swollen feet, have someone carry you to the hospital. those three together are big indicators that your heart is fucked.

[bagelsand-creamcheemse]

Friendly reminder that even if voting seems hopeless and like yours won’t do anything, you should still 10000% get out and do it tomorrow if you haven’t already. This election is not just a fight for the presidency but so so so many other positions. Your vote for local candidates, which you absolutely should be paying attention to, I PROMISE will count far more than you expect.

My local school board has three places in the running this year: each of them has 1 super normal candidate (2 of which are incumbents that have done a great job so far) and 1 batshit crazy opponent. the cuckoo-for-coco-puffs candidates are as follows:

1) a guy who was at the jan 6 insurrection and is running his campaign on essentially “lgbt and dei ideology is destroying student’s brains and opportunities” and the only way to fix the system is to go back to the good ol days and stop limiting “normal” students or whatever.

2) a white christian nationalist who has openly said she was christian nationalist “and that should tell you where I stand on most things” and supports extensive book banning and also going back to the good ol days.

3) a guy who is potentially less cuckoo for coco puffs but is still an absolute dingus that has literally no idea what’s going on. his campaign statements for various publications include a lot of “oh I don’t know how they’re doing things these days but I think we need to fix something. when I was on the board ten years ago we did it like X, but I dunno what they’ve done in the time since then or what it’s like now. I just know parents don’t seem to feel heard. we should change that.” with zero examples of any details or plans on how that would be achieved.

I can’t remember if that last guy is endorsed by them or not but I know that Moms for Liberty have endorsed the first two for sure, which is more than enough evidence for me to not want them in office even if I didn’t already know any of the above other stuff. (if you don’t know who Moms for Liberty are, they’re a group advocating for the removal of any mention of LGBTQ+ rights, gender and sexuality, critical race theory, race & ethnicity, discrimination, and more from school curriculums, and, as far as I can tell, were also initially formed to fight mask and vaccine mandates during COVID.)

If you think the climate is not as bad locally as it is nationally I can assure you that is not the case. I never would have imagined my city specifically — an average sized one with its own pride festival located in the greater hub of an even bigger left-wing metropolis — to have anyone like the three above to be seriously in the running. And yet here we are. The difference here is that there are far less constituents in a local election than there are nationwide, and a single voice weighs infinitely more here.

Research your local ballots and throw your support behind those who would support you — don’t let crazy people who hate your guts to get into your local school board or in a local judiciary position just because you didn’t feel like it would matter. Those are the people who will be making education decisions for your friends and families, who will be presiding over any cases that you and yours get involved in over the years of this next term.

You can’t always rely on the party markers on the ballots either — your area may have non partisan school board or judicial districts, which would only list the names of those running and nothing more. Sometimes a polling location will have party representatives set up outside to tell you which candidate falls under their party endorsement, but not every location will.

If you don’t know where to start for research, getting a sample ballot from your county’s website and just searching the names on it and going to their campaign websites to evaluate their policy statements (and check for any dog whistles) is always a really simple start. If your town/city/county has an active subreddit or facebook group, there may be people who have posted more candidate/campaign information there. If you live in Texas like I do, the League of Women Voters of Texas is a good resource for basic voter guides as well.

Please don’t let the doom and gloom mindset prevent you from having an active say in the people who represent you and make decisions for your community. With the way the political climate is right now, it may be a decision that haunts you for years. Get out and vote tomorrow.

[royallygray]

incoherent as shit rant below, proceed with caution:

in the past 30 minutes I've become really fucking unhinged and like I'm releasing the darkness inside slightly more because I'm making statistically more jokes about techno dying which was and is a very traumatic thing for me and its definitely something when you literally do not properly express to other people that you are grieving so hard that your soul desperately hurts because you have one (1) person who is nearly as obsessed with dsmp as you were and you weren't close to them and it'd be weird to absolutely sob together because oh my god like

y'all this was supposed to be a post explaining why I should eat because I'm having more unhinged thoughts but genuinely we should also at some point address how Techno's death absolutely destroyed people

like

There are so many layers to it. Firstly, it's a content creator that you don't know in real life, so there's the weird parasocial thing going on there that isn't *that* socially acceptable but whatever.

Secondly, it was 2022 and we were like. *just* getting out of Covid restrictions

Thirdly, it was during the summer, where I had little to no contact with friends because I just fucking forgot they existed

and like I had friends that USED to be into dsmp but like. no one that had fallen so fucking hard. I feel so fucking hard. and the only one that had fallen half as hard as me I wasn't close with.

Also recently they've told me that they go by they/them which is the least surprising thing ever

honest to God it was surprising when they told me that their pronouns were she/her

Anyways.

holy shit okay I can't think anymore genuinely

this is

I don't expect anyone to see this other than Mysterious and Peri and honestly yeah

Um

like I have more to say about the god awful effects of Techno's death on me especially as someone who was a minor when it happened like ong it's so bad

just holy shit

but my brain gets more ADHD the more I like try to focus

it's like those movies or something where you try to focus on something but it turns into a bunch of puzzle pieces and then those puzzle pieces aren't actually a part of the puzzle but instead an association that are actually a whole NEW puzzle and you can attaxj that puzzle

I should delete this post

it's okay

is it

is it really

I'm fucking crazy holy hell I need food

okay. so

mission: get off bed

I had the thought this morning of doing a grwm but like on Tumblr through text right

and it was just "pants. where the fuck are pants. where the fucking hell are pants. ooh new pants. there's a tag. where the fuck is scissors. where are scissors. where are scissors" bro I spent about five minutes that I did Not have looking for those scissors

and then I was like "where bra. where the fuck is my bra- no not that one I want the other one because it's BETTER"

id be such a good grwm artist person

like

what do you mean you wouldn't watch that

I should be a comedian

Jesus christ

I actually sound high

not like I've ever--

actually I have

I have been around someone who was high

Jesus christ

also I'm gay as shit

I'm a chicken

bawk bawk

anyways I had to fucking tell this person that "no, edibles are not just gummies, they're literally cannabis. they're literally hard drugs"

in her defense she was getting over a bad breakup but eh like Jesus how did you

girly do your research

like I didn't know that edibles were made of cannabis but I knew they were literal drugs

anyways good on her for stopping when I told her

she was literally terrifying I was terrified for her she was not ducking okay like oh my god

anyways I gotta like. stop. doing whatever this is

so I'm gonna end this post

hi to anyone who made it to the end of this

say chicken waffles in the commentsif you made it this far

[wygbyrm]

im gonna rant and rave and feel sorry for myself again

im just really tired of everything in my life being chaos.

some of it is on me for sure but i mean how am i supposed to know how to be a normal person when from the moment i was dragged out of the womb i was just constantly thrown into crazy situations outside of my control.

like dude i was just a little kid and i was basically dragged along for the ride of crazy alcoholic family shit and then the shithead my mom got with after my dad died.

i mean its a first world problem i guess because like people in the global south and shit were exposed to much more horrible violence and instability than i ever was but i think regardless of how privileged and lucky i’ve been in many ways, it was pretty fucked up for a nine year old to find out what his dad’s brain matter looked like on the tile floor… it was pretty fucked up for a seven year old to watch his dad choking out his mom and then going to jail… it was pretty fucked up for a 16 year old to have to cower in his room every day for months during covid because the house felt like a fucking warzone. i actually got a fucking UTI because i was too scared to leave my fucking bedroom to go piss.

how was i supposed to cope with having to just go through these situations over and over again with no control, hoping that maybe this blowout fight would be the one that made my mom kick out her asshole boyfriend, hoping that maybe this court ordered rehab stint would give me my dad back….

like day after day walking on egg shells because you know one wrong move from anybody is gonna be days of screaming and shit, where i have to hear the worst shit imaginable said about me when i hadn’t even done anything wrong, the only way to get through it is to completely numb yourself and fill that hole inside you with drinking, with pills, with weed, with reckless behavior, with anything that will push those thoughts away.

what model did i ever have for the way to be? my depressed, alcoholic father who mixed his ambien and his budweiser and disappear for months? my mother who puts herself in the same situations over and over again expecting different results, just accepting being treated like shit by mentally unstable assholes? her boyfriend who used any shortcoming, real or imagined, on my part as ammunition to throw at my mom, who i always wanted to protect? my brother, who fucked off as soon as he was 18 and doesn’t even talk to me? who was i supposed to look up to? who was supposed to guide me?

for like two years after i moved away, any time a door closed loudly while i was asleep i would immediately jump awake and panic for a minute until i remembered that i no longer lived somewhere that was teetering on the edge of insanity at all times. i can’t remember a time in my life where things felt calm or normal or even safe.

and i can’t talk to anyone about this because unless you’ve lived this way, you will never fucking understand. i don’t want people’s ‘i’m sorry’s, i don’t want people’s pity, i don’t want to be told how strong i am. because i’m not strong. i was just a kid, and i was scared, and i just had to get through it because there was no other option and nowhere else to go.

and i’m definitely not strong, because now i’m back living the same fucking things over and over and over again and its the easiest thing in the world. it’s just another day. it was more scary to go to job interviews or go to classes than it is to just sit in my room, put in my headphones, smoke some weed, and block it all out. because that’s all i know how to do. that’s all i’m good at. if i was strong, i wouldn’t still be here.

[vizthedatum]

This is a vent and anger post. Trauma memories coming up.

—

It is that time of year again where I really desperately want to NEVER think about this again. I hate that I think about my ex-spouse.

You know what sucked about my one and only time getting covid? I still don't know how. My ex blames me because I had just gone to a wedding and was unmasked during it. The wedding was full of healthcare professionals, and I spent the majority of my time with my one friend WHO HAD CANCER and my other ex-friend who was a doctor.

When I can back, I tested positive for covid (no one else at the wedding tested positive to my knowledge) after a couple days.

I GOT MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES. I made that decision because they had warped my brain so fucking much. I even made them an appointment. They refused to get the treatment. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARENT IMMUNOCOMPROMISED.

That was the stupidest part of it all. They made it seem like I was the crazy reckless one while I was trying to take precautions and also live my life.

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE IMMUNOCOMPROMISED.

Not my ex-spouse though. They just fear mongered, invalidated their partner with healthcare training, and made our lives a living hell while I defended them.

Fuck you.

How dare you?

I was embarrassed for such a long time. Because you're actually stupid when it comes to biology and the life sciences. You might have valid reason to be afraid of a horrible virus - but you are incompetent in knowing what to do.

And I can't believe I let you bully me for so long.

I can't believe I let you bully me before the pandemic. Or even settled for such a pathetic life because I thought it was the best I could do.

I honestly did think you were the love of my life. I thought you were my best friend and that you would look out for me.

—

No.

All that was proved was that we had some times that were incredibly special in a sea of betrayals in the name of your unaddressed control issues.

I STOOD UP FOR YOU. I BELIEVED IN YOU. I SUPPORTED YOU BEYOND MY CAPACITY. I don't care if you thought I was useless - I was trying my best. That was my best, even if I was freezing and needing to rest a lot.

And if you really thought I was vindictive, I had to FORCE myself to not go into my vindictiveness and press charges.

If you really think you did nothing criminal by abusing me, conditioning me, seeing my physical health deteriorate while you relegated me to only being a sex toy who just disappointed you in every other way, screaming at me, imprisoning me in my room, exposing me to a mice infestation that could have truly made us ill instead of covid, confusing me about consent, pulling out my IUD when I was in an incredibly weak and confused state right after you screamed that I was THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE, and… :(

I am angry that it got so bad.

I'm angry that I chose all the wrong people that year.

I'm angry that we built a life together.

I'm angry that you come up in conversation when I'm on a date with somebody. That I have to explain my triggers.

I'm so angry that this happened. I'm angry that I had to hold myself together and still was way too vulnerable last year. I hate it.

—

This upcoming week marks two years since I left you. I hate you. I forgive you but only for my sake. I hope you find peace. And I hope that if you ever run into me, you'll remember that I AM MORE UNHINGED AND WHOLE THAN I WAS WHEN I LEFT YOU.

Tell everyone. Tell everyone how I was the real abuser. Cry your fake flower-enby tears. You are pathetic, and I will never give you the benefit of the doubt again, even if you end up changing for the better.

[jmdbjk]

Jimin's mail

I would like to take this opportunity to address the Jimin's "stolen" mail incident and perhaps dispel some misinformation circulating about it in this day and age of shouting sabotage for everything.

This whole topic might be boring to everyone, but my brain won't let go of it so here it is:

This incident occurred early 2022.

For reference: Jimin purchased his apartment at Nine One Hannam in May 2021. It was a brand new building and he is the first owner of his unit. He paid in cash approx. $4.5 million USD.

In January 2022 this apartment unit was seized temporarily by the South Korea National Health Insurance agency (NHI) due to unpaid insurance premiums.

Boring but important: South Korea provides universal healthcare which is funded several ways including citizens paying a percentage of their monthly income. These premiums also fund the Medical Aid program for those who cannot pay.

The controversy: According to the NHI, Jimin was sent four notices by registered mail of his unpaid insurance premiums. But somehow, this correspondence from the NHI never made it to Jimin. BigHit took full responsibility for this "mishandling of the mail". A portion of the BigHit statement reads:

"Regarding this matter, the company is the first to receive all mail that arrives at the artists’ dorms, and in the process of relaying it to the artist, a portion of the mail was omitted by mistake. Due to Jimin’s activities abroad starting at the end of last year, his extended period of rest, and his scheduled activities abroad after that, he was unaware of matters such as [his premiums] being overdue. As soon as he found out, he paid the arrears in full, and at present, the situation has been resolved. We apologize for the fact that we have given the artist and fans cause for concern due to our company’s negligence."

Another source stated that some mail does go directly to members' homes and is retrieved by company staff where it is included with mail sent in care of the company which is then distributed to the respective member if necessary. This corroborates with the above statement by Bighit.

In an artist/agency relationship, one of the things the agency (company) provides are staff/managers who MANAGE their day-to-day business. Managers make it so artists can lead the crazy lives they live. Makes sense as the members are too busy to take care of mundane things like paying bills.

Was REGISTERED mail taken/intercepted/stolen four times from the mail room at BigHit/HYBE? I don't have clarification on that. But seems like taking someone's registered mail would be a punishable crime.

What was going on during this time: The group was on a winter break that began early December 2021 after their activities in Los Angeles concluded. Jin, Jimin and Jungkook returned to Korea almost immediately and entered self-quarantine for ten days before they were free to do what they wanted within the scope of Covid restrictions.

Refreshing everyone's memory about Bangtan and Covid: Dec. 24: Yoongi tests positive for Covid. Dec. 25: Jin and Namjoon test positive. Jan. 30: Jimin's Covid happens simultaneously with appendicitis. Feb. 15: Tae tests positive. Mar. 24: Hobi goes down for the count. Mar. 27: last but definitely not least, JK AFTER arriving in Vegas.

The members, including Jimin, were starting to post on their individual Instagrams in December. Between Dec. 21 to Jan. 9, Jimin posted photos of himself on both Instagram and Weverse at various places from his visit to Jeju Island. We don't know about the timing of the photos, whether they were posted immediately after he snapped them or posted them days/weeks later.

He posted Jan. 7 on Instagram and then his next post, this time on Weverse, wasn't until Feb. 2, immediately following his emergency appendectomy. He was in the hospital between Jan. 30 and Feb. 5 so he posted a message from his hospital bed (sweet baby).

If he did not get his apartment back until April, then he did not know about his apartment situation while he was in the hospital.

But the NHI sent four notices. So backing up further chronologically, if they seized his apartment on January 25, that means the first overdue payment notice was possibly sent in September 2021?

Sept. 13: receiving diplomat passports.

Sept. 20: UN visit and speech in New York

Oct. 24: online PTD concert

Preparations were then focused on PTD LA. They departed Seoul for Los Angeles on November 16, 2021.

They were busy. They depended on their staff to take care of their personal business.

All that time, Jimin was not aware that there was a lapse in his insurance payments. When he was made aware of the situation, he paid it all immediately.

I have no source that states exactly when this payment was received by the NHI or when it was processed.

They left March 28, 2022 for Las Vegas and returned to Seoul on April 18. There are conflicting media stories about exactly when the apartment seizure was resolved. Some say April 22.

When he was still in Seoul and not traveling to the States, where was Jimin sleeping between January 25 and April 22? Where did he recuperate when he was released from the hospital? Where was he watching "The Notebook" for the nth time? Whose sofa was he laid up on? Hmmmmmm? Did he still have access to his apartment even though it was seized? What's the point of seizing it if he still had access to it? Did he even live there? Maybe that's why he didn't know anything about the seizure because he didn't even live there to begin with? But if he did live there and couldn't access his apartment to sleep there because it was seized, why didn't it get resolved sooner than April 22?

I have so many questions.

We also need to remember that it is said during their time in Las Vegas is when Jimin confided in the members about his challenges. And he's said that these feelings ended up being expressed in the songs on his Face album. Maybe he didn't learn about the apartment mess until he was in Las Vegas and that was the catalyst that made him spill his guts to the members. Still doesn't answer a lot of the above questions....

Media broke with the news about the apartment seizure on the day that "With You," an OST for the TV drama "Our Blues," was released, April 24. Despite all this, "With You" became the fastest song in history to reach #1 on iTunes in 100 total countries, breaking the record held by "Dynamite". It is well known that even negative publicity is publicity. Personally, I don't think it had much effect on the success of the song. But Jimin's character did take a hit. Also in my opinion, he has since recovered well from all that crap. Just me talking about this is probably reminding people that this even happened. Sorry. Just forget I said anything. Ha ha. What apartment? Ha.

Whether the timing of the media breaking the story was on purpose or coincidental... we don't know. Stating purposeful sabotage of Jimin's song is speculation. A news outlet will break a story if its titillating enough regardless of timing. Jimin losing his apartment due to unpaid bills is intriguing and high drama involving a member of BTS, of course they were going to push that story out ASAP.

If the apartment seizure was resolved 2 days before the story broke, we don't know how this information got to the media. THAT is the big question. Is there some sort of process that allows this information to be released somewhere accessible to the public (and therefore the media). If so, what is the timing of that? Or did a news media outlet learn about the incident on April 22 and hold on to the information until April 24? We don't know.

Saying the media sabotaged Jimin's OST "With You" is not the full truth. It is misinformation at this point.

With the information I know of, I do not believe there was a break-in at Jimin's apartment. I can't find a reliable source to confirm anything about a break-in, suspicions of a break-in or any mention of one. Nine One is very locked down and secure so a break-in is unlikely. You cannot waltz into the apartment complex and snoop around. Unlike Hannam The Hill, Nine One is surrounded by a high wall with security stations at the entrances. However, someone who had access to his apartment such as a personal assistant or housekeeping could very well have entered without his permission. But we don't know.

If someone was determined to intercept his mail, they may not have needed access to his apartment but only to his mailbox. Where ever that is. We are told all mail is collected by staff or it is sent directly to the company... it is possible it was a mistake but what kind of idiot was handling the mail and "misplaced" registered mail four times? I do not have a reliable source confirming anyone was formally accused of stealing the mail at BigHit. They most likely dealt with it internally. At the time of the incident, I blogged that people were fired and security protocols were reviewed. I stand by that declaration. Since then, Jimin has been unyielding in maintaining his privacy. Only very recently have we seen him relaxing enough to show us glimpses of his matching gaming chairs, ceiling and edges of his television. We even got a quick view of some decor above the tv.

I am still unclear about the doxxing but I myself disturbingly did see an image online of some documents that seemed to have Jimin's personal information on them. I think this information is included in the NHI documents that never made it to Jimin. If those images were really his information and still exist on the internet, I cannot find them. These documents would have his resident registration number on them. I am assuming it's a total pain in the ass to be issued a new one.

I do not have a reliable source confirming that a news media entity is responsible for stealing the mail and also revealing Jimin's personal information. Saying news media broke into the HYBE building during this incident is misinformation.

All of these things that can't be confirmed can only be called hearsay and speculation.

Everything I have stated here is my opinion from information I witnessed as it unfolded in real time, as well as information available if you search for it.

If you lean toward conspiracy theories regarding sabotaging of everything Jimin does you will come to certain conclusions. And if you just take things at face value without speculating beyond that then you will come to a different conclusion. We won't all agree as to what exactly went down. If I come across information that is new to me regarding what happened, I may modify my opinion depending on what the new information is.

What I've stated is all I have to go on. I have questions. But I won't say someone broke into his apartment. I won't say someone stole his mail but I am still skeptical because I have too many other collateral questions about the whole incident.

If anyone else has any confirmed information about the incident and you want to talk about it, my DMs are open, asks are open, or you can discuss in the comments of this post as long as everyone stays respectful. I would love to learn about anything else if you have links to sources with new information.

And apologies for the long ramble because my brain is constantly including details that might not be pertinent but who knows...

[cigarette-room]

since you are a med student(if i remenber correctly) what is your favourite part of it?

Oh my god, everything. Genuinely. I have grown to like this so much.

Ok so for a little background, I study in the Balkans, and the regime of medical studies there is you go to a highschool, any highschool, then you apply for uni and you go to a uni 6 years pass all relevant exams then a license exam and you're a doctor. Which is relevant because first 3 of those 6 years are academic years (theoretical exams, not any touch with the patient) and the last 3 are pent on clinical subjects, rotating on internal medicine and surgery and neurology and psychiatry and dermatology and forensic medicine and ophthalmology and radiology and *lists 300 other things*

So the first 3 years I couldn't wait for it to be over. Genuinely. I wanted to do real medicine stuff and COVID was in full swing and it all was so goddamn hard! But now I'm on year 5 and I love this all so much you have no idea

Now I love everything. I love when I anseer a professor's question correctly. I love when we smile and a patient smiles back, I love when we look at scans and notice the right thing in the right moment, I love wearing scrubs. I love the sweet old women and funny old men who are always the most eager to let you do a check-up because you kids have to learn from somewhere. I love when I pass an exam barely enough that I go phew, I almost failed that but one less! We pushed through! I loved rotating bones in my arms. I loved touching a human heart, a human brain, and then having an existential crisis later. I loved when the first autopsy I did I went back home and cried because I was so overwhelmed with the notion that this grandma was a human with so many stories to tell and I felt so grateful to her, in a way, and to the 9 people who donated their remains so we could have learned on them years earlier. I love psychiatry, a lot, and I loved attending additional classes that I didn't have to attend just for the nicest professor in the world to discuss with us how it is to work in prison. I love the pauses for coffee with my colleagues. And the first time we were carrying newborn little baby up to the neonatology department and spent an hour watching the nurses make little bundles off of them and how 15 of them in two rows were all sleeping at the same time (can u believe. Crazy I know). I loved when we spent hours in the basements of the big clinical centres in the rain just listening to our professor explain radiology to us. And when I held a dying patient's hand while we did a last check-up and the doctor then led us all into a room and held the most tearful, most important, lesson on end-of-life care. I loved every time we went into an operating room. And I loved every little encouragement I got from doctors and nurses and fellow students around me.

Long answer, I'm so sorry 😭❤️ there's too much things I wanted to say

[thewakingcloak]

The State of Things Past

this post is mirrored from the Studio Spacefarer Patreon! please consider supporting me, and you’ll get access to devlog posts, gifs, and other info before the public!

Like I mentioned in my previous post, The Waking Cloak has been in development for eight years.

ProtoDungeon: Episode III has itself been in development for a few years, pretty much since 2019 (oooof). I've gotten plenty of questions about how the project is coming, as well as the occasional question of whether The Waking Cloak / ProtoDungeon is even alive at all at this point. Thank you for asking this. It means people are still interested in these games.

Okay, but still, what happened? Why are things taking so long? Well, this post is the first in the Christmas Carol series, in which the ~Ghost of Spacefarer Past~ appears to explain things (wooo spooky explanation sounds).

Progress has been made, very slowly, on ProtoDungeon: Episode III. I'd love to have done more, but, well… in the time since I released Episode II, we continued adjusting to parenthood for our first kid, went through the pandemic, had a second baby (who is now almost 3yo), and survived through a series of really difficult events, which culminated in a move to a new house in a new town and the start of a new chapter (but that last bit we'll save that for the Ghost of Christmas Present so he feels useful).

But yeah, it's been a rough ride. My wife and I are intentionally open about what's been going on. At the same time, the internet is an extremely public place, and I don't want to overshare, or worse, trigger anything for anyone, so I'll try to keep this list brief:

Two miscarriages (the first one was late term, and absolutely, brutally devastating)

The loss of our faith community due to the pandemic

Loss of job for my wife due to the pandemic (the pandemic was unkind to teachers)

Loss of a dream job prospect for my wife (same issue)

The great Texas freeze and power outage (us huddling under blankets in shifts through the night with our newborn infant (he's fine now!))

Severe, life-threatening post-partum and post-natal depression

Family covid and two-week cabin-fever quarantines (twice, despite being vaccinated and careful)

The death of my grandma (we were not able to attend her memorial due to aforementioned covid and living on the other side of the country)

Multiple heart attacks for my father despite his active and healthy lifestyle

Autoimmune disease scare for my wife (may still be a thing, just dormant?)

etc., etc., ad infinitum.

A lot of people have had things significantly worse, so this is definitely not an attempt to "compare griefs" as it were. This is just context for, no matter how much I wanted it to be otherwise, the fact that I didn't have the mental or emotional (or temporal) space for creativity. It was one thing after another, and we were just trying to keep our heads above water.

Even when we'd mostly recovered from the hits that just kept comin', we moved away from what my wife lovingly refers to as the "trauma house", and she started a teaching job at a brand-new school. Both were good things, but they were pretty big transitions, and it takes time for the ol' brains to adjust. We love our new home now and have a bit more breathing room.

Okay but also I HAVE been working on ProtoDungeon. Dev was really sporadic, but it did happen. The next post will have more detail on the status of Episode III, but there were kind of two big things I worked on during the past three years, big shifts in the foundation of ProtoDungeon and The Waking Cloak.

First, I switched game perspective. I made a few posts about this a while back, but PD/TWC interiors were originally like Zelda interiors (where you see the insides of all four walls). There are good reasons to do this, but it was also kinda making me crazy. So I switched to a more natural front-perspective, keeping things consistent with the exteriors. It definitely was the right choice for the game I wanted to build, but it took time.

Second, and building on that, I made the game fully faux-3D. You can walk behind or in front of stuff--not something the old Zelda games did, and still pretty rare for 2D games. I was toying with the idea for a long time, but I played through an old PlayStation title, Alundra, and that convinced me it could be done. It's way harder than you might expect, and it was a massive block for me for literally years. I was able to slowly work my way past it and finally resolved it with a 3D z-tilting method, but dev slowed to a crawl.

And that's it for now! The ghost releases you from your vision of Spacefarer Past….

Thanks for reading :)

[halosluvchild]

So we've all seen the many pictures of Harry in the Green Bay Packers beanie and we also know that he has jerseys and a tattoo of their logo, therefore a huge fan.

So my stupid ass OMG my fandoms are colliding brain came up with the stupidest thing ever.

meet Tom Grossi a football YouTuber based out of New York and also a huge Packers fan. now why is this relevant you may ask. Tom isn't just your average Packers super fan yes he watches every game[streams them actually] yes he has a ton of gear, but he also does so much more. if you go to his channel you will see scripted series' that in my opinion are better than most Hollywood productions nowadays. He's one of the only people I know that could bring all 32 teams together. I for example hate the Packers but I love Tom. I've seen cowboys and eagles fans become friends. it truly is amazing to be a part of Tom's community. Well last year Tom did 30 in 30 where he went to all thirty NFL stadiums all in the name of raising money for Saint Jude. In the beginning of the trip it had no media attention and Saint Jude had no idea he was doing it. By the end of day 30 he had not only raised over $500,000 and been recognized by st Jude but he had been on some of the biggest NFL talkshows.

flash forward to a year later the NFL holds the NFL honors ( like the Grammy's or Oscar's for football) and one of the awards they give out is fan of the year

all 32 teams get a nominate one fan through a mixture of fan vote and team pick. after that it goes to part fan vote part team owners vote and part impartial vote to determine fan of the year

I should mention that each fan of the year gets two tickets to the Superbowl and Tom is such a good person that when he announced he was Packers fan of the year he contemplated auctioning off the tickets to raise more money for charity but was talked out of it EVENTUALLY so he could have something for himself for once after giving so much back

Well

Tom Won and there's definitely no one more deserving especially since this man went to Vegas and went back to his home in New York and found out he had COVID, but still put out two scripted videos, two videos thanking fans for everything and his weekly live streams.

Now my crazy never going to happen fandom collides where Tom and Harry meet would be amazing to me. not only because my fandom world would collide but because both men (as Tom would put it) do a lot of chaotic good for this world and also because they are both big Packers fans.

I don't know if this even makes sense it was a stupid headcannon that's been in my brain since the new pics came out and I couldn't get rid of it so here's my stupid little rambling about it anyway even if you don't like football or american football whatever you call it go check out Tom and his scripted series' you don't need to understand the game to to enjoy them you just won't get references and easter eggs

ok I'm done now

Here we Go 🖤💛

Go Pack Go👉🏼

[intertexts]

OH YEAH I SAID I WOULD BE IN YOUR INBOX ABOUT THIS. HOLDING OUT A REPORTER STYLE MICROPHONE. 🎤🎤🎤 roswell intertexts I challenge u to give me 5 things you like about your writing . metaphors u like or words u like using or piece of dialogue youre proud of.... ANYTHING. ABT ANY OF YOUR WRITING. but they have to be self compliments >:|

EVIL OF U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but u followed through so i guess i have to now >:(

man!!!!!!! ok. APPARENTLY i'm "good at characterization" but that literally just is me like. feeling my way through a dark room trying to figure out what all the furniture is in the dark so that doesn't count. <333 but i like the. umm. intentionality? of my syntax? i guess? sounds wild when i do in fact have Cannot shut the fuck up ever disease [see: how long this is LMFAO] but i love economy & density of language... there's one like, hemingway quote where he's like. you shouldn't be able to take any one word out of a sentence without changing the meaning of it. u shouldn't be able to take out a sentence without losing something important. which is smth i think abt frequently... different when i'm messing around in someone's pov bc people don't actually Think Like That? but. u know!! i like the way i put words together on the sentence-level. i think its good :]

what else... i enjoy writing dialogue & talking around elephants in the room & messy stilted communication. took "they would NOT fucking talk like they're in a therapy session" to heart!!! its fun when characters are trying to say things they don't have words for. & also i do think my dialogue reads pretty good by dint of "every single time i write dialogue i spend an hour saying it all back and forth in their voices in my head & if i can't picture/hear them saying it i change it & go over it for ages." <3

also i think my main objective usually is like, grounding character interactions in a physical setting? i fucking love when theres places. like. ashe sitting on the floor in wiwi's room & it's important that he's there, & it's a grey late winter afternoon light coming through the windows, & wiwi has a place hidden frm the window sight line & stuff, same w/ the post-grayscale fic in the bago. & i think i do pretty ok at that :] would love 2 get better n i think i am as i write more!! (<- wiwi mark fic is in the kitchen at like. 6am btw.)

i think my stupid fucking code switching when in the tranches vs doing Literally Anything Else is really fucking funny also <333 nice & thoughtful words reserved ONLY for gdocs everbody else gets 1 million slang & heart & kittycat face emojis & no punctuation!!! its fun. hehe. god. LAST ONE ok i think its just like. awesome that i'm writing again??? that i can??? regardless of quality or whatevr it's like, genuinely insane 2 me that i've written & posted >30k since may. thats fucking crazy dude. if u told a couple years ago me that i'd laugh so hard. being so serious when i say that i thought the long covid + insanely stressful three year Transitional Period + Other Horrors had fucked me up permanently i thought i was just like. Done being creative & my brain was going 2 be permanently foggy and sludgy and useless n stuff. fucking wild that its not!!! makes me so happy 2 be able 2 do this!!! :]]]]] also i love new haven wards & its so cool n fun n awesome 2 have a shared au that spams the serotonin button repeatedly & bounce shit back & forth w/ u n whiskey etc. not 2 be a weird loner or whatever but the last time i did anything like this was literally high school. so. yeag!!!!!!!!!!! <33333