#could do it in a way that seperates him physically from his therapist
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NORMIE!
I just went to the orthopedic doctor today and apparently the flexibility in my arm has loosened my scapula(shoulder blade). Now I have to take Anti-inflammatories and see a physical therapist! I was wondering if I could turn this into a request for my comfort character and have 2012 Mikey with a gf who all of a sudden stops visiting them and he gets really upset and then after like 5 months the reader comes back and has to explain that she was in a different state to see a well known physical therapist so she'd be able to do simple tasks with soreness again?
I was originally gonna do headcanons, but I felt a small fic was a better option 💕 <33
HONEY I'M HOME
♡~~♡~~♡~~♡~~♡
Summary: After being in another state for 5 months for your health, you surprise your boyfriend with your homecoming.
Warnings: None!
Requested: @lemonadae-caekie
Female Reader!
....................................
Long distance sucked as much as people always said it did.
You missed your boyfriend and his family, and you hardly ever had anytime to talk on the phone, and when you did, it couldn't be for long since your physicak therapy was exhausting.
It was definitly taking a toll on your relationship, and you wanted nothing more than to cuddle up to Mikey's side while the two of you played video games.
Which is why, after 5 long months of seperation, you were so excited to be on your way back to New York.
April and Casey were supposed to meet you at the airport and accompany you down to the Lair. They were the only ones who knew of your homecoming, since you wanted it to be a surprise.
You waved your arm gently to greet your two friends, doing your best to not strain the limb.
Casey pulled you in for a side hug, "Hey there, (Name), long time no see, huh? Hey did you get a haircut?"
You laughed, "No, Casey, I did not get a hair cut." You patted his arm, "Nice to see you too, Jones."
April smiled, taking your suitcase from you, "Mikey's gonna be so excited to see you, he misses you alot ya know."
Casey scoffed, "Seriously, your all he talks about. 'I miss (Name)', 'I wish (Name) was here', '(Name)-"
You cut him off, blushing slightly, "I uh, I think I get it, Jones."
He shrugged, and the three of you made your way out of the airport and towards the infamous hippie van.
You first went back to your apartment so you could drop off your things, after that, your friends helped you down into the sewers, and it was all you could do to not take off down the familiar tunnels.
"Oh, just go already." Casey said, and you squealed, rushing as fast as you could into the Lair,
"Marco!" you called, you heard a crash, and the sounds of someone knocking things over from Mikey's room, "Polo! Polo!" he shouted, rushing into the main room to pull you into a tight hug and pepper your face with kisses.
You giggled, "Mikey! Mikey calm down, missed you too!"
The orange clad terrapin stopped his affectionate onslaught, and with the widest grin you'd ever seen, you picked you up and started to spin you around, "I missed you sosososososo soOOOo much, Sweets! How did the physical therapy stuff go? Is your arm better, oh shoot, did I hurt you at all?"
Mikey set you down, and you placed a hand on his cheek, "The therapy went well. My arm is still needs some healing, and it's still kinda sore, but I'm fine, babe." you kissed him on the cheek, and he pulled you in for a hug.
"Can we cuddle now?" he asked, burying his head in the crook of your neck.
You laughed, "Sure we can, babe. Just watch the arm, ok?"
....................................
Here you are my friend! I know this isn't exactly what you asked for, I hope that's ok. I'm sendimg you my well wishes, and I hope your physical therapy goes well!! <333
#tmnt#tmnt x reader#x reader#mikey x reader#Normie writes#tmnt 2012#tmnt 2k12#mikey x reader tmnt#female reader
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I don’t ship most of these myself , but your rant/ramble posts on Les Mis ships are funny so I genuinely wanted your opinion on these 👁
1. Enjoltaire
2. Valvert
3. Enjonine
4. Marisette (or whatever Marius x Cosette was called)
5. Javonine (Javert and…Eponine 😭)
6. Marionine (A name a just guessed for Marius x Eponine because I wasn’t bothered to look it up)
7. and uhhh.. Granjonine (I think that was the name)
well hello darling! i live to entertain lol lets get into it i might have to put this under a cut because i think its obvious i have a rambling issue
Enjoltaire : a classic for good reason. they seemed really base level to me at first because i watched the movie first, but once i read the brick and really saw their dynamic i fell for them HARD. for me the beauty of this pairing is really rooted in the substance of their individual characters as opposed to like a romantic relationship. idk its so difficult for me to verbalize why i love them so much i think i just love the idea of finding common ground despite difficulties. enjolras and grantaire mirror each other in such a beautiful way that i feel the musical/movie couldn't really capture without demoting it to a puppy love grantaire/mean enjolras dynamic idk i have such an issue with some portrayals of them because i feel like they create a victim/abuser situation where there wasn't one but that's like a whole post within itself anyway i feel like im getting incoherent i love exr with every fiber of my fucking being just read the brick if you don't get it ok the movie and musical just dont do it justice and for the love of god avoid the fics written in 2012/2013 after the movie hype its all wRONGGGG (i love you george blagden but you created a twink grantaire movement) (they pull each others pigtails okay its a mutual obsession) (enjolras why don't you just ignore him baby? glutton for punishment my dear we all know if you hated him you wouldn't let him hang around) (anyway) i should make a seperate post about my exr feelings bc i could talk ab them for hours
2. Valvert: okay this is where i feel like i can be unpopular with the fandom. i fucking hate this ship. like physically, spiritually, all that. its one of those that i kinda lose respect for the person bc its literally a cop/prisoner thing. its not enemies to lovers. its not a hate love thing. javert's a fucking cop. valjean is his victim. the whole idea of people romanticizing this makes me feel so insanely icky and i think the point of the story has just gone RIGHT over some folks' heads please take a step back and think about it. neolib behavior sorry not sorry
3. Enjonine: enjolras is gay. just like, straight up in the brick enjolras is a gay man. this ship is spawned from straight girls who saw aaron tveit and use eponine as their not like other girls posterchild. just a whole bunch of hetero nonsense. same behavior as the joseph quinn enj x reader bs. honey thats a homosexual man and can we please stop reducing eponine to needing a boyfriend she needs a stable home and a goddamn therapist fucking hell
4. Marisette: okay. i LOVE THEM. i'm a cosette stan myself, and i'm a huge fan of a gooey love at first sight situation. they contrast my love for exr in the sense that they're a very easy love. their parts in the book literally make me SWOOOOOON i can put aside my beef with marius as a combeferre kin to appreciate how sweet they are
5. Javonine??: im sorry wh aht. did the snape x hermione shippers leak into the lm fandom or am i being fucking punked im not discussing this its obvious why this is wrong please tell me its obvious y'all are NASTY
6. Marionine: eh. eh. i mean, like i said with enjonine eponine's problems are not gonna be solved with a dude. i'm really not opposed to them, persay, its just that eponine's love for marius is so incredibly dependent and rooted more in her personal trauma than actual love, so i feel a little weird with them sometimes. sometimes it just gives anti cosette vibes (cough cough bc of the bullshit love triangle angle that the musical markets cough cough) so i tread very carefully with them
7. Granjonine: again what in the damn hell. i'm not dignifying this shit they could be besties but for the love of god george blagden did a number on the straight girls. STOP PROJECTING ONTO EPONINE IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MIND LEAVE HER ALONE
thanks for the ask lovely, i do love rambling even though these ships are baffling lmaoooo
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"is this what you wanted" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*ahem*
yes
anyway-
it is okay I do the exact same thing of reading something that makes the brainrot go crazy and have to do a walk around my room just to compose myself before continuing to read 😭😭
BUT OH MY GOD DUDE THE ACTUAL PHYSICAL RECOIL I HAD THE VISCERAL REACTION I GAVE WHEN REALIZING YOU ADDED HIM GETTING TAKEN MULTILPLE TIMES TO THE POINT WHERE HE CAN BARELY REMEMBER???? ADDING IN THAT THE FEDERATIOND TESTS AND EXPERIMENTS KEEP GARNERING WORSE AND WORSE RESULTS IN THEIR EYES TO THE POINT WHERE HE NEEDS THAT MUCH 'FIXING' OW THE FUCKING PAIN ESPECIALLY FOR AN ANARCHIST CHARACTER TO BE STRIPPED OF THAT SPIRIT and the memory manipulation mwah in character for the federation
also the specific feeling of fighting feeling wrong to his very core is so special to me bc it feeling wrong to him is so different then if he had been forced to dislike fighting which is VERYYYYY SEPERATE HERE ‼️‼️ they def fucked him up with various torture methods within their experiments and made sure to wipe it from his mind so he can't remember what specific events occurred in the buildings- but can still feel the lingering effects of their training to give him a negative association with combat. especiallyyyyyy with the detail of his hands shaking when he thinks about using a weapon, I wouldn't be surprised if at his return, his hands would be more crooked and seem a bit out of place at a closer glance from the federations training tactics.
and the way I could genuinely feel my heart Drop when he refused a sparring session- not just bc of phils side of the angst hammer here, but from the idea of etoiles witnessing firsthand how no matter how strong the spirit is, the federation will break past it and leave hollow souls in its wake. how he tried so hard to make sure his friend could stay positive and resilient despite the world being out to hurt him and it still wasn't enough. phil is home safe and sound but a part of him had died in those horrific white buildings at the hands of that damn bear. but etoiles will be dammed if he doesn't find that spirit and shove one of his dozens of death totems towards it and makes sure they get given a second chance because letting the federation win like this will never be an option in his eyes. honorable battles is such a big part of his character in canon so to rip that from someone so close to him would be absolutely disgusting to him and he'd keep fighting not only for himself but for phil too, because he needs to leave this island knowing that his enemies will have been rightfully punished for everything they've done to hurt people. good people.
and also MY NON-EXISTENT THERAPIST WILL KNOW YOUR NAME FROM THAT LAST LINE YOU ADDED HOLY FUCK I WAS LOOKING FOR ANGST NOT A BULLET TRAIN SENT DIRECTLY TO MY HOUSE ‼️‼️‼️‼️ - 💿
ME WHEN, I AM SO RAAAAAH, I HAD TO STOP MULTIPLE TIMES WHILE WRITING THAT AND JUST, HEAD IN HANDS
I absolutely love the specific feeling of fighting feeling wrong. Because Phil doesn‘t dislike it even if someone tried to make him hate it - he adores fighting and sparring, being able to move almost like water because he‘s decently lightweighted considering he‘s an Avian and it makes his movements feel so free. He finds fun and enjoyment in it, it helps him clear his mind and relax even, but after the consistent ‘fixing‘ he had to endure it just feels wrong.
And Phil doesn‘t even know why.
It doesn‘t make sense to him because he can‘t fully remember anything bad happening anymore, but his body remembers. It remembers everything, each and every ‘fixing‘ he had to go through, even if his mind doesn‘t.
Gods, just imagine witnessing the Person, your friend that you looked up to and admired and respected in the same way they did you, just.. break. Be broken into someone you can‘t recognise anymore.
ALSO THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT ETOILES REFUSING TO GIVE UP PHIL AND INSTEAD KEEP FIGHTING FOR HIM TOO AND AND-, AAAA, WHAT‘S YOUR NON-EXISTENT THERAPISTS NUMBER, BECAUSE I‘LL NEED ONE IF I GO BACK TO ANGST, WHEEZE
Anyways— IQVD
All of this just makes me think about possibilities of actually finding that fighting spirit again, with Etoiles taking slow and little steps with Phil. He can‘t push Phil even further behind, he knows that he has to take it slow and careful because of the messed up shit the Federation has done to him. And sure it won‘t be the same, it never will be, not with the damage the Feds have caused at this point, but it can still come back in new ways.
Maybe the first steps start with Phil watching Etoiles fight again. Friendly fighting and cheering, making sure the island is safe by getting rid of mobs around. Phil flinches more than he likes at first, but it‘ll be fine. It always ends up fine, it has to be.
Eventually Phil maybe starts trying to cook again, smiling gently as he makes something to snack on for himself and maybe Etoiles. It takes some time, but eventually Phil can hold a knife without recoiling into himself too much.
Eventually they start with sticks, watching Phils expression twist into some mix of being offended and yet uncertain at the same time. If a mere stick was going to make him this nervous, they had a long road ahead.
Just imagine Phils hands still shaking more than he wants to, it frustrates him because he doesn‘t understand, he doesn‘t! And yet Etoiles does, guiding him through that frustration as they eventually and finally start their sparring sessions again.
The first attempt lasts barely a few seconds before Phil panics, each attempt slowly but surely increasing in time the more they try.
Maybe it‘ll take a while for Phil to return back to his used to be spirit & confidence in himself and until they get there, Etoiles doesn‘t mind being Phils shield again.
Etoiles has seen Phil break like he’s nothing but an egg and he‘ll be damned if he doesn’t help him heal those cracks again.
#i think that’s enough angst you‘ll get out of me from today / LH#i also dearly apologise for the last line WHEEZE#i will now rant about soft and wholesome ideas instead / j#qsmp#code philza <3#💿 anon#winged.rambles
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3/12/22
lately therapy has been pretty intense, i feel like i’ve had a couple therapists before that mostly only touched on surface level trauma. my new therapist is pretty intense, shes very sweet but sometimes i genuinely feel like my brain can’t process whats happening because it’s not use to digging as deep as she wants me to. It’s a bit humbling, hearing her consensus on why i act the way i act, its very vulnerable and embarrassing. i want to be better tho, i want my brain to get as deep as it can so i can be the healthy. in other news updates on some relationships :
athena and i have been talking more, and i think its good. nick really clouded me on many relationships because i was just too embarrassed to admit and talk about it to some friends that knew the extent of how he treated me and how we worked together. i missed her and i dont want a man to make me feel like i cant talk to my friends ever again. shes still with kayla, which is good i believe shes very calm and collected with her and i think shes been needing stability like this for a while.
ive seen nathalie a couple times recently, shes been talking to ali again which is disappointing but as ive said, i know how it feels. nathalie and i are always good, theres really nothing that will keep us apart or anything like that. we locked in forever nothing to really say about it.
sal and i are good as well. I do feel a bit of sadness when i think of putting sal thru what i put him thru with nick. i feel embarrassed and like a bad friend, but i dont understand why i couldnt help it. i wouldnt talk to him about it because i didnt want to put him in the position of listening to how his friend is with me and vice versa. eve though nick would never stop complaining but it was two sided when it came to complaints. i would just never say anything. i feel guilty and i dont know how to express it or make up for it. ill try my best.
nick and i havent spoken. he texted me to wish me well with therapy/work/school and i didnt respond at the moment. i called him one night to express i couldnt/didnt want to be friends with him. i dont think its okay to be friends with an ex let alone one that got you pregnant. he told me i could get over the pregnancy but its just not that easy, i was in n out of the ER, received chemo therapy, and had to be locked in my room for two weeks. it was mentally and physically taxing. he really has no emotion or regard to how i could feel, and i dont understand why i hadnt realized that sooner. i hope he gets the help he needs and that things go well for him, with me excluded from his life. he asked why we couldnt be friends and i gave him a list of reasons, he gave me solutions, then i said i had been seeing someone new and im trying to go my seperate ways, he said “oh so you only called to tell me youre seeing someone new i dont want to hear that” why ask for reasons, give solutions and only fixate on one reason you dont like. i hope he matures, he cant stay alone for very long and his toxic cycle he learned from katie will just continue.
i have a new friend, named mark. hes very attractive, funny, and sweet. we only recently started becoming a bit romantically involved. i had liked him from a distance when i first met him and i didnt understand why. i was talking to n*ck at the time and he was all rocky over the fact sal andi had become friends again and we were hanging out regularly. i believe i met mark on halloween, with a group of others with us. we didnt talk much, i just offered him poppers and he thanked me. end of story for halloween. i pursued him, embarrassingly enough not much came of it, until recently as im used to men being horny and ready to fuck whenever i say hello. i guess thats nice though, we went on a first date to a couple different bars and i had a great time, many embarrassing things happened around him and hes still stuck it through so im hoping that means something good. our first date was refreshing for me, he was gentleman and very fun to be around. aesthetically we are very different people, but mentally very in sync with anything we say or want to do, which was a little scary at first. i do like him, he stayed the night yesterday for the first time and i havent felt someone that comfortable and happy around someone for a long time. we spent all morning giggling and being silly in bed and i dont remember the last time i did that with someone without having sex. its refreshing that everything isnt about having sex at the moment, that he could possibly be around me because he likes who i am. i hope that doesnt change.
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I’ve seen some people talk about this and I am just curious your thoughts. Do you think Buck has a bad therapist or do you think he just doesn’t open up to her so that they can actual dig to the root of things he might not feel comfortable addressing yet? I swear this isn’t meant to start some sort of drama I just love hearing your thoughts on anything 911 related. If you don’t want to answer that’s fine I’m just curious. Because when I saw some people talked about this I was was like wow that’s interesting to think about because I’d never thought about this before, you know? I do think Buck is very open and looking to grow and stuff as he said when he said ‘very Buck 3.0’ but I still think there’s some things he’s not talking about in therapy and I mean that’s normal I don’t expect him to dump all his shit and be sobbing over different things every session but you get what I mean, right? I think if we see him in therapy next season (he needs it- ALL the characters do, really) then he might open up about different things that we might not have seen him do with his (current) therapist before, given everything that happened last season
ahhh thank you for asking me!!
I think his current therapist, Dr. Copeland, is probably a good therapist (I can't say for sure since we've only seen her the once and after that it was all in passing), but I do think he probably has difficulty opening up to her about some things due to his past experiences with therapists (s1e2 everybody?). I do think therapy is good for him and helping him, but bc of what happened then he sometimes has a hard time talking about things so he keeps them hidden. I think he probably wants to bring certain things up, but is afraid of the reaction he's gonna get bc that time in s1 keeps coming back to him. I know that with my own therapist, there are things I haven't brought up with her bc I'm not ready to address them yet, I think Buck is probably the same way. He's very open and caring, but he's also got abandonment issues and probably on some level is afraid his therapist is gonna drop him, that he'll be deemed too fucked up by her and be transferred to someone else who can "handle" him. which, is something he should be talking about in therapy, but I digress. I think there's big things he knows he SHOULD talk about and things he NEEDS to talk about for his own mental health but he's just not ready to address yet bc he sees it as another broken piece of himself instead of something to be processed and work through and he's just so tired of feeling broken. overall, I think his therapist is probably good and he's just holding some things back due to his own trauma (which is completely understandable).
#i definitely think the whole 1.02 incident plays into it. i also think its why he waited so long to start therapy for himself and until he#could do it in a way that seperates him physically from his therapist#im very proud of him for going to therapy of his own volition and working through his trauma and i hope he feels like he can open up more#evan buckley#911#911 fox#911 on fox#evan buckley meta#asks#anon#liz rambles
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My Top Comfort Characters/Kins and My Main HCs For Them
(Note, not all my kins/comfort characters are on here, just the ones I have more than 5 hcs for)
CW: Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3), Himiko Yumeno (DRV3), Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA), Kyoko Kirigiri (THH), Tsuyu Asui (BNHA), Entrapta (Spop), Ibuki Mioda (SDR2), Celestia Ludenberg (THH), Funtime Foxy (FNAF), Peril (WOF)
Korekiyo Shinguji (DRV3)
Nonbinary
He/They pronouns
Autistic
Chains and loose accessories are for stimming
Likes the feeling of silk and cotton
Can't stand the feeling of anything rough or bumpy
He likes collecting small trinkets and the bones of small mammals
Can't stand anything salty. He'll eat it but he certainly won't enjoy it
Dating Rantaro
Can flirt, but only if he doesn't try
Petnames are a hell yea
Gets sunburnt really easily
Group dates with Celesnaegiri and Ikuzono
Can't cook for s h i t
Had a scene kid phase in middle school
Went to the same middle school as Celeste and Maki
Knew them when Celeste went through her "I'm not like other girls" phase and Maki was a Band Kid™
Himiko Yumeno (DRV3)
Female
She/Her pronouns
Lesbian
Can force herself to fall asleep within seconds regardless of where she is
100% forces herself to fall asleep when she doesn't wanna listen/talk to someone
Himiko/Angie/Tenko relationship. I'm calling them the Traffic Light Trio
She likes taking naps in the forest
She prefers enclosed/tight spaces more than open ones
Has several hundred stress balls and squishies laying around
She overheats easy
Shinsou Hitoshi (BNHA)
Questioning his gender, but goes by any pronouns
Knows he's Asexual, at least
Has no clue what his romantic orientation is though
The kind of person to carry treats in his pocket just in case he runs into a cat
Will stop to pet literally every cat he comes across
Great at reading people
Doesn't talk unless it's 100% needed
Hangs with Tokoyami, Jirou, and Denki most often
Aizawa has 100% unofficially adopted him
Fosters kittens
Not a big fan of physical touch
He is 100% in the bakusquad. Anyone who says he's in the Dekusquad is a c o w a r d
He and Tsuyu vibe
Knows a bunch of random facts
Dark humour? Dark humour
*skates backwards into his therapist's room slowly sipping from an absurdly huge cup of coffee* Candice you're not gonna BELIEVE the shit I just went through
In case I forgot to mention it, he skates
Kyoko Kirigiri (THH)
Mtf
She/Her
Bi with female preference
Burns go up to her shoulders/collarbone/chest
Prefers to just listen as opposed to saying anything
Knows a ton of random trivia about everyone else in her class
She keeps a notebook she fills with all the trivia
Doesn't celebrate her birthday. She just doesn't see the point of it
Doesn't hate sugar/sweets, but if given the choice she would choose literally everything else
Cuts her own hair
A cat person
Permanent dark circles
T-Tall 😳
Like,,, 6'1 at LEAST
Only person taller than her is Yasuhiro (6'3)
Canon no longer exist
Ahahaha healthy life habits? What are those?
Can't handle horror games
She's the kind of person you'd go to if you needed to rant but didn't want any advice
Polyamourous yo
Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto
She's a dom yall are just scared to admit it
Tsuyu Asui (BNHA)
They go by They/Them
Lesbian
They and Ochaco are dating
They like to hang with Shinsou
Which mainly just means the two sitting in one of their dorms in near total silence doing whatever
Can speak English and French as well as Japanese
Learned English from cartoons
Picked up French bc they thought it'd be fun
Prefers to stay neutral in the whole Bakusquad / Dekusquad thing
They're invited to all outings/events by/for both squads
They like puns
They're a dumbass but willingly, and for fun
Like "someone says they like dark humour and they'll turn off the lights before telling a joke" kind dumbass for fun
Great at poker
Likes Disney Movies
Very touchy once you get close enough
Not in a sexual way, just likes physical contact
Especially fond of piggyback rides and cuddles
Extreme fear of needles
Entrapta (She-Ra)
She/Her or It/Its
Doesn't bother trying to figure out whether she's cis, trans, nonbinary, or what
Was AMAB though
Short as fuck (4'7)
Strong as fuck though
Cuddle game strong
Physical touch is a fuck yes
Cuddles
Piggyback rides
Hugs
Anything where she's touching someone is wonderful in her book
As long as she's the one that initiates it
Anyone else touching her without her permission makes her freak
Prefers being high up
Makes it harder for anyone to sneak up on her
An ace at video games
When it comes to sexuality she just says she's Questioning
Ibuki Mioda (SDR2)
Any pronouns + Pup/Pupself + It/Its
No idea what their gender is otherwise
Biromantic Asexual
Just likes sexual jokes
Gets distracted easily
Has severe hearing problems
She's plays her instruments as loud as possible, with the amp right next to her, without ANY ear protection
It's caused some damage
She talks so loud bc she has no idea how loud is considered acceptable
Wears hearings aids most of the time
Several piercings and tattoos
Likes hearing things jingle
She has a bracelet with a few bells hanging from it
She'll shake it whenever she's bored
LOVES hair accessories
Ribbons are a particular favourite
Occasionally she'll hang little charms from her hair "horns"
The kind of person who never takes any pills/medicine bc she keeps forgetting she has to
Frequently uses emojis
Skates everywhere but she isn't very good at it
She keeps crashing into everything
Has broken every bone in her body at least 3 times
Most of which was bc she keeps trying to kick in doors and skating down the stairs
Celestia Ludenberg (THH)
Nonbinary
Any pronouns, mainly goes by She/They
Bi, 70:30
Collects mini hand sanitizers and can tabs
Has single handedly gotten Mario Kart, Mario Party, Monopoly, Uno, and Clue banned a grand total of 17 times (and counting)
The kind of person to purposefully target someone regardless of what game was being played
Favourite victim is Byakuya (bc he gets so upset about it and she finds that hilarious)
Mains Waluigi
Celeste/Kyoko/Makoto
Has several banned Twitter accounts bc whenever she's bored she'll start discourse on purpose
Hangs with Korekiyo, Ibuki, Byakuya, Yasuhiro, and Leon most often
It's a weird friend group but everyone's sorta gotten used to it
She and Byakuya gamble together occasionally
She tries to avoid it bc he'll willingly blow his entire fortune in an attempt to beat her
Autustic
Can't stand the feeling of water
Mainly bc she can't swim for shit
Horror movies? Hates them
Gets flustered super easily
Taka is her twin brother
Kotoko, Kokichi, and Gundham are their half siblings (Same father)
Peko and Toko are their cousins
She sucks ass at go fish
Fuck canon she's 4'11 now
C h u b b y
Freckles
Once she gets comfortable enough with herself she dyes her hair in the peekaboo style
Either black and red or black and blonde
Haven't decided yet
I'll be doing Celesnaegiri hcs as a seperate post but I just feel it's important for you to know that she expresses her affection verbally and is a very touchy person
Went to middle school with Maki and Korekiyo
Has horrible eyesight
She wears contacts most of the time but she always puts off buying more
After the 5th or so time she ended up blindly stumbling around a week after her contacts ran out Kyoko convinced her to buy glasses as well
Religious accessories yo
Like chokers and dangly earrings with crosses and pentagrams and shit
Likes wearing wacky earrings
Can run and do all sorts of tricks in heels
She and Mukuro are exes yo
Keeps her hair short so it's easier to manage
Hair never gets longer than her shoulders if she can help it
She seems like the kind of person who'd keep her bangs grown past her eyes regardless of how frustrating or inconvenient it is
She's a sub yall just don't wanna admit it
Funtime Foxy (FNAF)
I'm going on the record to say this
Funtime Foxy is genderfluid and that is that
Goes by Funtime
Any pronouns, They/Them most commonly
Plays music (keyboard and guitar mainly)
They and Funtime Freddy (Freds) mainly play with the kids
Freds mainly tells stories with Bonbon while Funtime more so plays one-on-one
Has nicknames for everyone
Circus Baby - Ringleader
Ballora - Bells
Funtime Freddy - Partner
Bon Bon - Bun
Peril (WOF)
I like both Nonbinary She/They Peril and Mtf She/Her Peril
They're both such good concepts
She's a lesbian, Harold
She only had a crush on Clay bc he was pretty much everything she was supposed to like in a guy
Gimme a moment while I force all my mental disorders onto this poor child
Autistic, Anxiety (Social anxiety, mainly, but she has most types), Adhd, PTSD
I'd like to reiterate yet again that She's a lesbian
Sunny and Glory were her gay awakening
Peril in Book 1: Damn, Sunny and Glory sure are pretty. Anyone would be lucky to date them. Clay would probably go for them over me. He would be stupid if he didn't. I myself would willingly date them over someone like me. They're just so pretty :(
Peril waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of arc 2: WAIT-
Rarepair alert but Peril/Sora
Peril meeting Sora: "Hmmm She's attractive. I would love to date her. Too bad I'm straight and in love with her brother lmao :P"
Peril, a mere month later, waiting for Ruby to leave Jade Mountain, pacing in her cave, running face first into a wall: WAIT-
I remember reading this one amazing story where Sora taught Peril to read/write and Peril found out she set off the bomb and comforted her/convinced her her run so that's canon now
Btw if anyone can remember what that story was called/what platform it was on and could tell me I'd appreciate it very much
I'd even be willing to draw a character of your's or make you an icon or something
I usually don't accept requests bc I get burnt out easy but this is a special case
She runs into Sora again sometime between the beginning of TOP and the end
I like to imagine she just goes wandering around
Anyway she confesses like a mere few minutes after running into her again bc Peril is just subtle like that
The actual confession takes 15 minutes and the entire time Sora is just sitting here like "👁👄👁 sure"
Bam Peril/Sora
Peril plans to keep it a secret for a little while longer but she spends 3 seconds around Clay and pretty much blurts it out
Clay, who wasn't even aware that Peril was a lesbian, is just "👁👄👁"
I wanna say Clay doesn't know what a lesbian is but in my canon Sunny is a lesbian so Starflight has already told him
Anyway he's super supportive
From that point Peril is sorta open about her sexuality?
Like, she gives Clay permission to tell the rest of the D.O.D bc she isn't about to risk being in front of them when they hear the news
(When Sunny starts actively seeking her out as a hang out buddy and Tsunami, Glory, and Starflight appear to tolerate her presence just a bit more afterwards she pretends she isn't confused by the change)
She's pink, white, and blue bc I said so
If you look at a certain angle in the right lighting her eyes, mouth, fire, and under her scales all look purple
But her fire is normally white and blue bc I said so
Also she pale as fuck bc in my canon their fire just sorta burns their colour away
You know how you leave something outside for too long and it gets sunbleached? Where it gets all washed out?
Like that but more extreme
By the age of 10-12 firescale dragons are just white with pale eyes
That's right not even the eyes are safe
Ram horns :P
I'm also fond of Peril/Sunny
Or maybe Peril/Sora/Sunny
But Peril/Sora is the main thing
On the topic of that bringing in my hc that if one sib in a sib group is fire resistant all of them are
She,,, She can change her scale colour
But only slightly and only if her emotions are strong enough
Bc I don't give a fuck about Darkstalker's scroll we were robbed of hybrid Peril
Unfortunately all of Peril's emotions are strong
Rainwing ruff along her head and neck
It's like a hood
It's mainly smoothed to her sides but when she's startled it flares out
RAINWING PUPILS
Y'all will know what those look like as soon as I get off my ass :P
She,,, She can mimic bird cries
Hates the summer
She has more than enough body heat already and the outside is just hot enough to add on and make her feel sick
She can somewhat control her heat but most of the time it's based on her emotions
It can go from standing-in-the-middle-of-a-burning-building-cant-see-your-nose-smoke-is-so-thick heat (Strong emotion) to Hey-thats-a-nice-cozy-campfire heat (Calm/"weak" emotion/Sleeping)
I'm just gonna make a different post with all my Peril hcs cuz there isnt enough room for all of them here
#Danganronpa#danganronpa trigger happy havoc#trigger happy havoc#danganronpa goodbye despair#goodbye despair#danganronpa v3#five nights at freddy's#fnaf#fnaf sister location#wings of fire#she ra#bnha#my hero academia#headcanon#korekiyo shinguji#amaguji#himiko yumeno#shinsou hitoshi#kyoko kirigiri#Celesnaegiri#Celesgiri#mha tsuyu#ochatsuyu#ibuki mioda#entrapta spop#celeste ludenberg#peril wof#Sora wof#Sora/Peril wof
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Lars and The Real Girl
This is my first post and most likely going to be the farthest off the beaten path that I will go, but this movie occupies a large part of my brain so I feel the need to write about to an audience of zero. As my bio suggests, I also plan to talk about films where women are props for the male characters development. Lars and The Real Girl has a literal prop woman to assist in the lead character, Lars’ development. Lars, played by Ryan Gosling, is a man with quirks that make it difficult for him to interact even with his family who live across the driveway from him. Lars’ mother died while delivering him and his father passed a few years before the film takes place. His brother, Gus played by Paul Schneider, and pregnant wife, Karin played by Emily Mortimer, live in their childhood home while Lars occupies the garage. Karin desperatly hopes for Lars to interact more with his family, frustrating and testing Lars’ boundaries, but she is pleasantly surprised when Lars comes knocking notifying that a woman is coming over for dinner. Karin and Gus are then greeted by Bianca, the life-size sex doll Lars is convinced is his girlfriend visiting from Brazil.
Bianca is quite literally a tool for Lars to use to develop and let go of some of his past trauma. However, unlike in most movies, I really don’t mind. Although I could go on and on about how Lars and The Real Girl is the greatest depiction of empathy in film... I will hold my tongue to discuss how women, in particular motherhood, play a major hidden role in this movie.
Lars, until his brothers marriage to Karin, lacks female representation in his life. Not only does his life lack female representation but he suffers trauma from feeling responsible for his mothers passing. It is also divulged that after the passing of his mother, Lars and Gus’ father grew cold and bitter. It is no mistake then that when we are introduced to Karin, someone that actively attempts to take a caregiving role in Lars’ life, she is visibly pregnant. Lars from the very first moments displays deep concern that something may happen to Karin while she is pregnant, immediately showing his fear surrounding the concept of maternity. Bianca comforts this fear in more ways than one. Lars explains to Biancas physician, and his therapist, Dr. Dagmar that Bianca is infertile as a result of her mother dying in labor. Identicall to his mothers passing. While explaining this fact to Dr. Dagmar he expresses his deep anxiety surrounding Karins pregnancy. In addition, Lars notes that Bianca is very religious and does not feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, which is why she lives at Gus and Karin’s. Although Bianca is made for sex, in his delusion, Lars makes a concious decision to seperate Bianca entirely from sex and maternity. Bianca’s manifestation at that current time could largely be attribruted to Karin’s pregnacy and its trigger of Lars’ trauma and guilt surrounding his mothers death. Bianca served as a female figure in his life that is completely safe from the dangers he connotates with womanhood.
Biancas manifestion, whether intentional or not, creates a large female support system for Lars. While everyone at his job and church are supportive of Lars’, it is the women of his community that play the largest role in allowing Lars to let go of Bianca. Mrs. Peterson from Lars’ church, played by Nicky Guadagni, is one of his largest pillars of support. Much like Karin, even prior to Bianca, Mrs. Peterson attempted to force Lars out of his social isolation by suggesting that he asks his coworker, Margot, on a date. When Lars brings Bianca into his life, she not only advocates to the other members of the church to be patient and non-judgemental of Lars but goes as far as bringing Bianca to her volunteering position at the hospital. Mrs. Peterson is influential making sure Bianca is given a purpose. With the assistance of other women in the community, Bianca is a mannequin at the mall, a reader to children, and a model of wigs at the hair salon. While this may appear to only serve in making Lars’ delusion more realistic, Bianca being given purpose within the town makes her more 3-dimensional to Lars allowing him to seperate from his crutch. If Bianca were to remain a 2-dimensional symbol of a woman that does not possess the parts of womanhood that terrify him, Lars would would of never been able to develop a positive relationship with maternity and women in general. This newfound positive relationship can also be fed by his new network of female friends who care for him deeply.
Dr. Dagmar, played by Patricia Clarkson, also plays a major role in assisting Lars through his trauma. Lars only agrees to see Dr. Dagmar because she suggests that she monitors Bianca’s blood pressure on a weekly basis, but I would argue he is also fully concious that the purpose of the visits are to evaluate him. Dr. Dagmar firsts suggests that she helps Lars through his phobia surrounding being physically touched, but he quickly displays some willingness to open up about his past and his anxieties surrounding Karin’s pregnancy. Most of this visits consist of him sitting one on one with Dr. Dagmar in her office, an emotional intamacy that Lars has most likely never experienced with anyone, let alone a woman. Beyond being a influential woman in his life, she also radically shifts his perspective on loneliness. In one of his meetings, Lars learns that Dr. Dagmar lost her husband and that sometime she feels so lonely she “forgets how to spell her name.” I believe this detail is crucial in Lars’ development as he has a particularly negative relationship with lonliness. Growing up his father was so lonely that it largely left him unable to care for Lars. Lars also experiences intense lonliness himself. Dr. Dagmar demonstrates to Lars that you can coexist with lonliness instead of it allowing to consume your whole being, allowing him to begin to let go of Bianca.
The most important female relationship for Lars is of course Karin. Although she is a large source of Lars’ anxiety manifesting in the form of Bianca, Karin is the most influential in reforming his relationship with womanhood and maternity . Lars has never had a maternal figure, and although she is his sister in-law, Karin takes on a role of a caregiver in his life. When introduced to Bianca, Gus heavily with the concept of playing into Lars’ delusion but Karin makes it a non-negotiable. She leads the charge in rounding up support for Lars and goes above and beyond to make her apart of the family. Karin has an ability to set aside pride and time to help Lars in any possible way, an ability we often associate with mothers. While Lars is cognizant that his presence makes Gus uncomfortable, Karin makes up for it in love and comfort. One particular scene stands out where Lars is visibility frustrated because he is under the impression that people care more for Bianca than they do for him. When Lars claims that people do not care, Karin goes on a passionate rant that she ends with “None of this is easy-for any of us- but we do it... Oh! We do it for you! So don’t dare tell me how we don’t care.” Lars most likely has never experienced such an exclamation of love and compassion coming from someone in is family, and the fact it is coming from the closest thing he has to a maternal figure heavily moves him along in his journey of coping with his mothers death. This interaction marks a turning point in the film where we see Lars begin to truly let go of Bianca, ultimately leading to the moment he declares that Bianca has passed.
Lars and The Real Girl is a beautiful look on the innately human ability to possess empathy for others and ourselves, no matter how uncomfortable it is. In a sense, I have always seen Lars’ manifestation of Bianca was an act of self-compassion. I believe his brain created her with the intention of letting her go, and moving past his trauma. While I find this movie beautiful in countless ways, writing about from a lens of womanhood and maternity only deepens my love for it more. While the “female” centered at the heart of the movie is in fact an object, there is not an ounce of female objectification in this film.
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(I’m back in the Queen fandom after a break. There’s no escape 😂😅 this is based on something that happened to me. Gotta get it outta my system now..)
No. No no no.
No.
This is wrong. Yes. Wrong. Exactly.
This nice lady. Such a nice lady, only coming around here to help him out. Help clear up the mess. And this is how he repays her?
The table. The cushions on the couch. He can’t get them out of his head.
The book on the coffee table.
The remote control. On the couch table. To the left. Not the right. And seperated from its buddy, the remote for the DVD player.
Everything is a mess. Not his physical surroundings, but inside his head. The cleaning lady - normally shows up on Wednesdays, and today was a Thursday and she had been here today, but that was okay, that was all right, he could live with that, she had told him last time, she had said ‘Brian, next time will be on Thursday.’ At the same time, on a different day. 2 o’clock in the afternoon. He was cool with that. He accepted that.
Once.
She was always nice to him. Treated his belongings with care and respect.
But today. What was different about today?
Brian had a rehearsal with the band today. But he couldn’t concentrate. Couldn’t get those thoughts out of his head.
The book was lying with the back cover up. The cushions were all placed on the same side of the couch. He always had two cushions to the right. And two to the left.
He hadn’t said thank you or goodbye to the cleaning lady.
She had vacuumed the floors. Wiped away dust. Emptied his dishwasher. Watered those plants above the bed he always forgot about.
And he had almost slammed the door on his way out. She was still finishing up when he had to leave for rehearsal.
Now, sitting with his guitar, he felt no joy.
Wasn’t able to concentrate on the chords. He only had one thing on his mind. Getting home. And rearranging everything back to their right spots.
None of the band members got much work done. Freddie and Deaky snapped at him a couple of times. Roger seemed to sense that today was an anxious day and tried calmly to settle anything that might end up in an argument if continued.
When he finally left (a little before time) he could hardly keep back the tears.
He felt pathetic. Being a gifted guitarist in a famous band. And all he could think about for the past two hours was his couch cushions and turning a book back to its rightful place.
Home again. He knew it was good to resist. His therapist said it’s best fought with action against his thoughts. But he couldn’t. He had to.
He quickly placed the cushions right. Placed the two remotes together. On the right side. Flipped the book.
Paced back and forth once. Twice. Thrice.
Sat on the couch. Flattened the cushions to the left.
A tear fell down his cheek. A text on his phone.
“We’ll talk later, right?” From Roger.
But first he had to do something. He had to apologise. To his cleaning lady.
He was thankful for her work. He really was. It’s just - sometimes he gets thoughts. Thoughts that won’t leave him. For an entire day if he doesn’t act on them. Doesn’t put the pen back with the pointy bit up. Doesn’t lay his phone with the camera facing away from him.
It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t deserve him looking sour and leaving without a thank you. He always said thank you to her. Thank you and goodbye. And she’d say ‘have a nice day, Brian.’
He looked through the contacts on his phone.
Anne - Cleaning.
Dial.
“Hello?”
Welcome back! This was lovely in a sad way. Poor Brian :( Thank you for submitting this!
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I'm working on this story and wanted your opinion. One of my characters is tortured and about to die when he is saved. My worry is that in order to save him, another character is going to use a forbidden magic to heal him. He will still have all the memories and I plan on showing the mental toll, but is it an issue that he will physically be fine and not go through healing? It's a big component of my story that the character who saves him gets in trouble for using the forbidden magic. Thanks!
PersonallyI don't see an issue with having a character make a full physicalrecovery when that would have been impossible in a realistic world.It's a fantasy story and that healing is clearly magic based so Idon't think it's going to create any sort of unrealistic expectationin readers about what people can survive. You're also making it veryclear that the character would have died without intervention. Thefact this is 'forbidden' and a character breaks that taboo serves tounderline the seriousness of the situation.
Thereare a few things that come to mind if this is something you want todo but I don't think they're problems so much as… things that wouldprobably help you get a better grasp of how this situation might workand the kind of effect it might have on the characters.
Mostpeople globally expect torture to lead to scars. And the implicationin this ask is that torture here was scarring. That it was obvious.That prior to healing anyone could have glanced at the survivorcharacter and been able to tell he was attacked.
Thething is- most modern torture doesn't leave obvious lasting marks. Irefer to this as 'clean' torture (this is the term Rejali uses).And because of the assumptions people have, that torture 'should' or'must' leave scars, well it can result in a lot of problems fortorture survivors.
Oneof the main problems they face is people questioning whethersurvivors were tortured at all. The lack of obvious marks on theirbodies is taken as a sort of 'proof' that torture couldn't haveoccurred. They're subjected to a level of scrutiny and victim-blamingthat survivors with scars don't really face as often. Common patternsinclude accusations that the survivor is making things up, thataccusations are motivated by politics, that 'something' happened butit wasn't as bad as the survivor says or wasn't 'really torture'.
Survivorswithout scars, the vast majority of torture survivors today, areasked to 'prove' what happened to them with reference to marks ontheir bodies that simply don't exist.
There'ssomehow an assumption that a lack of external scarring means anattack was less damaging, less painful and…. less of a crime.
Allof which seems pretty relevant to this question.
Theway this is constructed means that the survivors character wouldprobably find it a lot more difficult to talk to people generallyabout what happened to him. It would likely be more difficult for himto access the support he needs.
Thehealer saved his life, but they've also put him in a very difficultposition. He can't talk about what he experienced to most people inan open honest way. The wounds he'd describe 'should' have killedhim, combined with a lack of scarring that would make many peopledoubt his story. And he can't explain that lack of scarring withoutadmitting that the healer, who saved him, did something taboo. So thecharacter is left with a choice where talking openly means punishingthe person who saved his life.
That'sa pretty big burden to carry. And if this setting has any sort ofofficial care (therapists, centres or charities designed to helpsurvivors) it might well cut him off from accessing them. Most of thepeople on the ground interacting with survivors wouldn't turn someoneaway because of a lack of scarring, but groups that rely ongovernment funding (or the funding of any other big institution) aresometimes left in a position where survivors are blocked from accessuntil their case is 'proven'.
Beyondthat I think the main thing here is to make sure you do show thischaracter's psychological symptoms, otherwise you could end upinadvertently supporting the idea that this attack was 'lessharmful'.
I'vegot a list of the most common symptoms here and I tend torecommend authors choose 3-5 symptoms for survivors.
Someof these symptoms are effected by physical injuries. For instancechronic pain can have a physical cause or component and substanceaddiction or insomnia can occur in response to chronic pain. Chronicpain in survivors can also be entirely psychological, or have aphysical component unrelated to injuries. When you're pickingsymptoms for your character you might want to think about how farthis healing magic goes: is it addressing all injuries or just theones that the healer is aware of? It could heal all the obvious, lifethreatening injuries and still leave enough 'minor' muscle damage tocause chronic pain.
Nothingon the list springs out to me particularly as adding to the story youwant to tell. I tend to suggest authors pick symptoms based on whatthey think will add to the story. Symptoms that create opportunitiesto show the readers something about the character or createinteresting obstacles in the plot or just tie in with the generalthemes of the story.
Memoryproblems in torture survivors don't generally mean that they forgetthey were tortured. Instead you get four general classes of memoryproblem; a sort of general forgetfulness or difficulty retaininginformation which can make every day life incredibly difficult,intrusive memories which are like being very strongly reminded ofbeing tortured constantly by innocent every day events, falsememories which are generally flaws in memories surrounding trauma andmemory loss.
Falsememories aren't completely imagined or completely seperated fromreality. What they tend to be like instead is- say your character wastortured over six days in a particular room. The character mightclearly remember that the door was on the left side of the room, whenin fact it's on the right. They might clearly remember say- thetorturer with the big beard doing something on the first day. When infact that torturer didn't show up until day three. These memoryproblems don't generally have a massive effect on a survivor'sability to live every day, but they do have a massive effect on legalproceedings. The fact that these problems are so common makes tortureincredibly hard to prove. Even without systematic legal investigationthese problems can make people around the survivor doubt thesurvivor's version of events. And that can be incredibly damaging forthe survivor.
Memoryloss caused by torture is quite a long way from the typical saturdaymorning cartoon amnesia that usually gets connected with the idea.The majority of torture survivors don't forget being tortured, infact intrusive memories of torture seem to be more common thenforgetting it. They also don't forget who they are or people they'reextremely close to. As a general rule the older the memory the'safer' it is from the damage torture inflicts. So survivors don'tforget their childhoods, families or the spouse they've been marriedto for ten years. They do forget more recent memories. So if thischaracter was snatched off the street it would be perfectlybelievable that he'd forget what street he was on when he wassnatched, or where he was going that night. Anything in the two orthree weeks prior to torture and the same period afterwards couldrealistically vanish.
Now,memory problems might still not be a good fit for your story, that'sperfectly fine. But if you were imagining that they meant thecharacter would forget about being tortured, or vital aspects of hispast, that's highly unlikely. You can still include memory problemsin your story, if you want to.
Ihope that helps. :)
Disclaimer
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I think I’m sadistic, but only to myself.
So much torture, its like watching a terrifying movie when you’re young, or something that makes you uncomfortable, you cover your eyes with your hands leaving just enough space between a few fingers to still see every bit of whats going on.
I’m having that anxiety again, like when you first died. I have the adrenaline, to get me through the day, and I have things I can enjoy, I can get excited, but it is so much work, and at the end of the day I come here and I melt all over my keyboard.
So I open my old journal, the private compulsive blog, because this was around when gus was, when we met, when we took off together, when he moved to be with me and I thought it was only going to be a summer thing, when we skinny dipped, when we got addicted to noids, when we had lots of morning sex before my classes, when we took walks by rocks and stayed with each other for 4 days at a time, which was the usual, never wanting to part, addictive, addicts in love and not for the best. I stil feel so much like I ruined everything, like I really failed.
I slip into delusions of taking this to the extreme, even though I know he did this, and he did love me, but I am so involved I get so confused and I have to repeatedly do this over and over again, and then I get really crazy and I Start reading things and its so fucking fresh, its like everything comes back. The memories never leave, but you store them elsewhere, I wouldn’t have thought back to this day we were in the car and we had this green bong and that image I just... its so clear.
The bed sheets on my bed are so clear, rolling around and watching british television shows. I forgot about spending 4 days at a time with him, I forgot how hard it was to seperate at times, but I read this and I fucking crumble over and over again.
In time it will get further away, in time I wnot think of him 24/7 and I can smile at his photos and I like talking about him. He DID exist, as if I have to now prove that he did, as if I have to remind people I am like this thanks to GUS that he made the biggest impact on my life, between 19-24.. and now for the rest of my life.
You didn’t come to the show tonight gus, I told you your mom needed you to come. but you didn’t come, I watched other people find their loved ones and it was so spot on, there was someone else who commited suicide and they said to their loved ones they were okay.
I don’t want this to be true. I’m screaming inside but all I can do is type type type. I can not communicate with my words, and its funny when a proffessor says, you have very confident writing and im like lol if only you knew its because I have thousands of pages of insanity.
I can not blame you because you’re gone and I only have my side, our side, and it gets so bad, so out of control, and I know you dictated it but I let it spiral out because I didn’t understand what was going on, I did in some ways but not the right ways and I didn’t respond right.. I do believe there was a right. I do believe you could...,
I can’t even imagine like if you were still alive, to think of unwinding the last three months of my life which have been a fucking spiraling nightmare, there are moments of real ... empowerment? its the liberation that comes from so much pain because you refuse to let it consume you, if thats the route I go, then I kill myself, because that is no way to live. I live with this pain and I bring gus with me. Gus’s mom said how much better I seeemed to be doing, as in not doing the same questions sam thoughts of blame, I have my days, every day, but not the whole day so there is progress.
I think of death often, which isn’t that odd, I haven’t since we got together again, but the time apart was not good, at this point traumatic, just like this is.
So. Much.
Gus deleted a year of my blog when I ran the other way. He deleted it as if he could just delete himself from my life. This was so hurtful. We spent a lot of that time together and also the time I spent at my other school which was the best time for me, and that was with gus, and this time too and was with gus, its like it’s always hard but he always praised me for who I was, and that helped me be the person I can be, and want to be. I felt like he could read my mind sometimes. I felt such an attachment, I Felt so lucky, to melt when I see him. It was chaotic and hellish but I can be my best too. I don’t understand. I never will. Then I turn to what my therapist says in her culture they call these people the gift of chaos.
I just wish it didn’t have to end, and not like this.
all the times you drove down winding roads drunk, even tripping!!!
how did we get here, its, again, like one small thing could have resulted so differently and yet it didn’t, it was preventable, and I didn’t and couldn’t prevent it. I could have seen you the day before, I wanted to, we misunderstood each other, but I realize how distant my texts can sound so I understand the confusion but I felt so pure about it. I’m so broken about this.
I think of dying so I can be with you, its not uncommon to do this, but its not just about being with you because part of me also thinks thats not gauranteed, I mean an after life isn’t at all, which would be okay too, because then its just nothingness which really doesn’t even exist not conceptually or physically... so not in the body I know.
I just think of how at peace they say you are, and the dreams I had you were so happy and they were not like my other dreams, not like any I’ve ever had, and to make the extra effort of telling me it was real.. I just
what is this
I need you to tell me not to join you. I feel like when your mom dies, I will go too. I can’t do anything while she is alive. We are broken. I wish she knew what her acceptance means to me. I wish she knew.
how do I get through this. What kind of life is this. I just keep going day by day like I really understand what that means, and my days feel like they don’t end and then I wake up disapointed I didn’t get another visit. I reach my arms over, I read the fucking posts about how you could hold me all night
I forgot you did that, for some reason I remembered you as not being that way, I don’t sleep well, or still so I just didn’t remember that.. but there it is, clear as can be.
It takes me back to who we were. To how much changed in just 3...4.... years. the growth, the period of depression which is really like this void I don’t even like to think about. I will have to sort through and accept that part. to understand its value but I can’t do it right now.
I’m rambling now because sleep is scary, and I don’t have it in me to work.
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In honour of both Mental Health Month (US) and Mental Health Awareness week (UK), I decided to give back to both my lovely followers and the Simblr community as a whole by sharing parts of my own story surrounding mental health issues. I hope some insight into my struggles, dark thoughts and pain can help someone else through their hardships, even if it is just a little bit.
Content warnings for suicide mentions, mentions of abuse, PTSD, depression, alcohol, anxiety, panic attacks, other mental health-related issues and death of a parent.
In hindsight, now that I am a 24 year old adult, a lot of things about my life make sense. Not in a good way, I’m sad to say, but they do. I cried a lot as a baby. As a toddler, I would be months ahead of my peers, have conversations with adults, but be extremely sensitive to the point where I would dissolve into complete hysterics if I wasn’t given proper time to recharge. Throughout my whole school career, including high school, I was always sick at least one day out of five. Headaches, migraines, cramping, terrible anxiety that kept me up at night.
The first psychiatrist I saw was when I was 12. I lived in a complicated household where I was the only one that was being abused, as the oldest of three children. My dad would hit me for reasons that are still unclear to this day, sometimes so bad that on a few seperate occassions blood was drawn or I was locked up in the bathroom with a throbbing, blue arm. It was strange, since my dad was a very nice man. He loved me, and my siblings, and my mother, and his friends, and his co-workers. He would snap, sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere. We will never know why and how, and why I was the only one taking the beatings, but it happened. I was suicidal to the point where I would grab all of the sharp kitchen knives and hide them in my room. I tried drowning myself in the bath tub, or tried to calculate if I were to die if I jumped out of my bedroom window. I remember feeling so terribly empty that I would hide underneath my desk in my room, and cry for hours. I was diagnosed with depression, sent home, and that was that for years.
Then my dad died when I was 17, a month before I would turn 18. It went so ridiculously fast that I would have dreams about him returning home, even if I knew that he was dead. He was ill for hardly 4 weeks before he passed away, and I couldn’t feel. It put a whole lot of perspective into my life. I was about to graduate that same year, and go to university. I didn’t want to. Art has always been a passion for me. I was numb, but I knew I wanted to go to art school.
I didn’t even make it to the start of the first year before I was sent off to a psychiatrist again. I was angry, sad, but most of all angry - I felt misunderstood by my family, and I would have fights with my mother and sister so bad that I tried to suffocate myself with blankets once in my room. I was diagnosed with dysthymia, a condition that can be described as ‘chronic depression’. Therapy helped a bit, and I started art school.
Art school was tough. Especially the first year, where I wanted to perform well so badly that I never missed a day of class, which is highly unusual for me. The second year started, and I could tell something was horribly wrong right away. I would sit on the train to school, and hear sirens. I would see flashes, get migraines, hear screaming or loud buzzing in my ears. I would come home hysterically crying to my mother, wishing the extreme panic would go away. It was too much, but I didn’t listen to my own body. I would take some pain killers, tough it out, and walk to the train station all the same the next day. Looking back, I lost complete control over myself and who I was, as if held at gunpoint by a giant monster named panic. I remember being so anxious about getting on that train, getting to school, doing what I had to do, that I thought I could outrun a train that was coming. The beams had already closed and both the lights and bells were sounding, signaling the train was coming at a high speed. ‘I can make it’, I thought, and I didn’t really care. I had to be on time to catch my own train. I slipped underneath the beams, and without looking I tried to cross the railway. Someone yelled at me to stop. I startled so bad that I stopped walking, and the train passed by maybe only a few paces away from me. I was shaken for the rest of the day, and by the time I came home, I realised what had happened and I cried. Scared to tell anyone, scared that my head could get so far ahead without me and do something so dangerous.
Things didn’t start looking up for me. I had to take time off from school. I missed a lot of classes and disappointed a lot of classmates who I was working with in groups. I tried to do whatever I could, but I couldn’t make myself go to school every single day, no matter how hard I tried. It felt like I was tied to the floor of my house, as if shackles prevented me from going anywhere I wanted. I felt so tired - even to this day, I feel tired, as if my arms and legs are too heavy for my body. I was given medication. It took me a long time to get used to the pills, and even after that, when things became a little bit better, things were still not looking great. I did a lot of tests, and another diagnosis was made. PDNOS, cluster A & C. The diagnosis itself didn’t change much, but it put a whole lot into perspective.
I had to drop out of school. I felt worthless, disgusting, and absolutely useless. One day, I got a blackout so bad that I was gone for an hour. I ‘woke up’ on my bed, not knowing what had happened. My mom told me how she had crowded up against me from behind in the kitchen, trying to be funny with me by joking around. I remember a wave of panic hitting me, but that is all. The nightmares became worse and worse, my teeth grinding so hard in my sleep that I would wake the whole house. I was diagnosed with PTSD.
That was a little over a year ago. To this day, I am still coming to terms with all these different diagnoses, figuring out how I can live a life worth living with them. Together with therapy, counselling and medication, I’m trying to shape my life into something that is do-able for me. Money is always an issue, and so are the worries for my future and what I need to do to get ‘somewhere’. Suicidal thoughts are still there, but with people to talk to and a psychiatrist to help me, I feel confident in staying alive. It is not only my mental health that is keeping me from studying and finishing my degree, a lot of physical aspects (kyphosis, migraines, cluster headaches) certainly do their part as well. Every day, I try to get out there and do something that contributes to my future. I am lucky to have a house where I am welcome to stay for as long as I need to, a loving family, and a talent and interest in art and writing that I could pursue as a freelance career.
What is especially important for me, is to know that things like these take time. Feeling useless and scolding myself for not being where I want to be, does not help at all. Getting better, seeking help and getting where you want to be takes a lot of time. Some people just do it a tiny bit faster. In my therapy sessions I have learnt that the worst thing for me to do is to hate myself for who I am and what it is that holds me back. Scolding myself and berating myself to do better and be better and to suck it up, are only going to make it worse. Be kinder to yourself, my therapist says. Be kinder to yourself, everyone around me says.
Be kinder to yourself.
I say, to you, even if I still find it hard to apply those words to my own life. It is something to live by, though. Be kind to yourself. Seek help if you need to. Reach out to a friend. Know that there are people out there willing to help.
Thank you for reading. I hope you are doing well, now and in the future, and that my story might help some of you, even if only a little bit. ♥
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Motorcycle insurance estimate after DWI?
I'm 21 and had a pretty clean driving record untill 2 years ago when I was charged with a DWI and was convicted of it 1 year ago and lost my licence for a year. I'll be able to get my licence back in 2 weeks. I just purchased a Harley that I want to insure with liability I'm wondering what other people in the same situation are paying for insurance? I'm hoping to keep it under $80 a month for liability on a motorcycle. I was paying $55 a month for 2 older vehicles with liability before the accident and motorcycle insurance is typically cheaper. Any suggestions on good high risk policies that insure motorcycles?
18 years old insurance for vw golf group 6 incurance?
Im 18 years old male with no claim bonus, i want to buy VW Golf 05 1.9l tdi group 6 incurance, where can i find cheap insurance ? what is the best company? i can pay like 150 per month maximum. Pls help thanks.""
Whats the cheapest car insurance for someone that has points on the their driving record.?
Whats the cheapest car insurance for someone that has points on the their driving record.?
Good health insurance?
I am a 29 year old male, i don't smoke or have any health problems. I am looking for good health insurance that doesn't have a high monthly cost. any recommendations of what to stay away from or some good ones would be much appreciated. Thanks. :)""
volkswagen insurance phone number
volkswagen insurance phone number
""New Driver, Buying Used Car, How much is monthly insurance?""
18 years of age, recently got my license more than a month ago. Looking into this 2003 Ford Taurus I found at a dealership (4 door).... Parents are saying insurance will cost around $300 a month! excluding the car payment which will be around $200 a month. For some reason, I don't believe them what so ever with the cost of the insurance. I do have to get full coverage insurance. But thats just ridiculous. New drivers, how much do you pay for insurance. Only answer if your on your own plan.""
Whats a good way to lower car insurance if your about to turn 16 and live in Las Vegas?
Hi! I'm about to get my license come July and I just found out I'm gonna have to pay for it by myself. Is there anything I can do to lower my insurance and what would be the best insurance brand to buy that good, not so pricey, etc. Thank you!""
Is it up to age 26 or through age 26 for insurance coverage on parent's plan?
With health care reform, young adults can now stay on their parent's insurance longer. Is it UP TO the day they turn age 26 or through the age 26 that they are able to have the coverage?""
Can you switch car insurance with a pending accident case?
I had an accident about 4 years ago, it was my fault, but the case is still ongoing for that between the two insurance companies. I would like to switch from State Farm to Geico auto insurance to save some money. Would it be a problem to switch with a pending case?""
Insurance (california)?
I'm an international student who goes to college in Iowa. I have a college insurance and I guess it convers most of meetings with doctors. Now, I'm taking 3 months-summer session at University of California. I think I 've heard some stuff that I need to have Californian insurance to stay here. What is this? Is it wrong? Plus, my wisdom teeth is coming out recently. It starts to hurt. Does insurance in America covers dental work?""
Is she paying to much for auto insurance?
my aunt is 35 got a license a year ago has no accidents and she pays 200$ a month for minimum coverage for a 1999 Plymouth breeze. this is in new york....it's some local insurance company oh she has no credit..? i can just imagine how much I'll be paying after i get my license this summer at 18!
What is the benefit of term life insurance over other types of life insurance?
What is the benefit of term life insurance over other types of life insurance?
Which company is best for a first time driver to insure with ?
I am 17 in April and will be learning to drive and was wondering if anyone could recommend the best insurers Cheapest most reliable. please help ive been going round in circles.
How much is car insurance for a 21 year old female?
I'll be a first time driver as of next month and I was curious how much I'll be looking at as a ball park estimate on my insurance rates. I know I'm a late bloomer for driving but I have never needed it as I live in a city. But as I want to do and go more places, I need a car now. Especially since I'm moving out of state, on my own, in 6 months. I was wondering how much I'm going to be looking at. I'll be driving a small sedan, maybe a 04-05 Honda Accord or Civic. I live in Texas now but I'll be moving to Ohio, in February, and if anyone could give me rates for both places I'd be much obliged! Thank you so much for even answering my question :)""
""If i just got my permit, can i drive my moms car without insurance?
I just got my permit and want to drive my moms car. Do i have to be on her insurance if i only have a permit?
Need insurance and sr22 for suspended license?
A friend of mine lost his license for driving without insurance. He needs to get insurance and provide an sr22 to get his license back. We live in Ohio and are having a hard time finding any kind of affordable insurance plans. Any ideas? What is a good price for min. state coverage, anyways? Thanks for the help.""
Do you have health insurance?
if so, how much is it per month? how old are you? what kind of deducatbale do you have? feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance? also, do you support obamacare?""
Car insurance help please?
hi well im 30 and just would like to know when i pass my driving test in uk will my insurance be cheap as i am 30 years old or will it still be high as i have no experiance on the road cus i want a golf gti or shall i op for the 1.4 :(
Insurance estimates on these four cars?
which do you guys think would be cheapest and most expensive on insurance out of these four cars: 03-05 Acura RSX type S (v4 manual) 01-03 Lexus IS300 (v6 auto) 99 Lexus SC300 (v6 auto) 97 Lexus SC400 (v8 auto) What do insurance companys look at, the year and price of the car (the moment you bought it)? If so, I would imagine the two bottom lexus's to be the cheapest, but Im not sure, since they have much bigger engines. What do you guys think? Thanks in advance.""
Why is it so cheap to live in America? but your hospital treatment is so expensive?
do these insurance schemes really cover you for major surgery?
Health Insurance Florida?
is there any health insurance available for a 23 year old in the state of Florida I make $600 a month but I don't have much leftover after I pay bills and the free clinic is always very crowded I can never see a doctor and I know my health is very bad so is there any health insurance that is similar to Medicaid I used to have that when I was a kid and you were able to see a doctor with that I am hoping to find insurance that's is affordable and doctor offices will accept thanks in advance
Car insurance question..please help.?
Can someone be able to have car insurance in the state of new york and have the registration in someone else's name? Ex: Car insurance by the name of Jane Doe, and Registration by the name of John Doe. Please let me know..thank you.""
How much would insurance be for a 1998-2001 mitsubishi eclipse for me?
im 16 and i need a car i would like to get a mitsubishi eclipse like a 1998-2001 model but I dont know how much my insurance would be. like i said im 16 and my grade point average is about a 2.5-3.0 (i get D and C) so if any one know plz share with me, thanks!""
How much is a 17 year old liability insurance for a camry 4 door in los angeles?
i need to know howmuch is basic liability for a 17 year old with a camry 4door in los angeles california.. any recomendations and i dont really feel like searching up quotes so any past experience is prefered.
What effect does a minor ticket out of state have on insurance rates.?
A few months ago I got a ticket in Maryland, where I go to school, for going the wrong way down a one way street. The ticket was only a small fine and I don't think any point were given. Recently I just got another ticket for making a wrong left turn in New Jersey, where my permanent address is. Normally, my insurance company, geico , would let one ticket slide but I'm not sure if they would even know about the Maryland ticket. I would appreciate any information.""
What is 20 payment life insurance?
What is 20 payment life insurance?
Where can I search for health insurance that's right for me?
I'm looking for affordable health insurance. Is there a website where I can compare rates and benefits of different health insurance providers side by side?
Buying sunglasses using health insurance ?
hi i am trying to buy sunglasses using my health insurance because aetna health insurance allow me to buy sunglasses on their charge, a lot of my friends did it this way, but every time i call a store they say that they don't do that!! any info ? thanks""
CAN I GET CLASSIC CAR INSURANCE AT 17?
im turning 17 and love old cars i was just wondering were i could get classic car insurance
Average car insurance rate in Massachusetts?
I am a 18 year old female and I just recieved my license. I went to driving school (this included sit down classes and road lessons). I have good academic standing( my gpa would equate to an A+). Also I have never been in an accident during the time I have had my permit. I would like to know a decent average throughout Massachusetts without having to go on several online sites and fill out extensive questionaires just to get a quote (the questionaires are also asking me for the type of car the I drive and I don't own one yet. Although I will probably stick to American cars such as Ford). Can anyone help me? Please and thanks!
volkswagen insurance phone number
volkswagen insurance phone number
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