#consider this a “how I've been doing for the last while”

[thesevenwondersofawitch]

This this this

I grew up homeschooled in a family where my parents basically had us fend for ourselves, while also discouraging us from doing any sort of activity or maintain friendships, so the vast majority of my life was spent feeling cut off and inadequate compared to my peers

Shockingly, I ended up having severe depression, (as did my siblings) and developed extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms and habits as a young teenager, as well as other mental issues.

When I finally was able to start the process of getting help(which truly didn't start until the last few years, despite me being in therapy a decade) and started to do things outside of my usual habits, such as going to school and also getting a job(despite my parents trying to discourage me on my bad days), I was now an adult and felt like there was so much I missed out on, especially when looking at my friends experiences at the same ages.

It's so easy to dwell on those thoughts and revert back to old habits, and even harder to try and work through them(like pushing myself to get out of bed, or go to a function with friends). So many people I know who don't have depression just assume it's a little bit of laziness and sadness, and act like everything would be fixed if I just listened only to happy music and refused antidepressants because my generation is 'overmedicated'. And while we definitely are over medicated, without those medicines, so many people (myself included) wouldn't be here.

While my depression is better, and thankfully I've been pretty good with catching up on lost time academic wise, I still struggle with depression and the fallout from everything that has contributed to it. I hang out with friends but almost always end up feeling drained or depressed afterwards, even though I'm around people I care about and like, and I know they feel the same, there is always that voice in my head that one day they're going to change their minds and realize I'm not worth it or that maybe they don't actually like me.

Depression takes a huge toll on my body, I am always tired and overwhelmed, and when I am around friends and peers I feel like I'm an imposter just hoping no one catches on and questions the fact I try to mimic others behavior in hopes I blend in better (even if it's something I know to do, I suddenly feel awkward and panicked and act like I've never dealt with it before, thus watching others and trying to copy movements/actions, even if it's something I'm very knowledgeable about/good at)

I am drained because I feel I have to put on a front that everything is fine, and I feel bubbly and happy all the time, because otherwise people think I'm ungrateful/slighting them, or there out of pity(my sister is someone who thinks all of those reasons unless I'm all happy on the outside). Even though so many times, I was looking forward to doing something or spending time with someone, but for no reason I can think of, I get struck by depression when the time comes, but I still want to take part, because I worry I'll regret missing out, so I go and spend the time trying to act how people want me to, which is exhausting.

It's taken years to get used to these bad days, and I am working to let myself have a breather or just listening to what my body needs when it happens, (I've been better lately and I'm proud of that, but I still struggle occasionally). It's taken years to learn to stop comparing my life with what my younger cousin or old friend is doing/has done by my age, (or if they've done even more), slightly less to learn to ignore the timeframe society(and family) deems is 'normal', and since then, my quality of life has been better.

All this to say, depression has ruled my life and I deal with that everyday, and it is hard to ignore the sadness I feel for my young self and all she never got to do. But, I made it to 23 (something my 13yr old self never thought would happen), and even tho I didn't get to experience things on what is considered a 'normal' timeline for people my age, I have a whole lifetime of experiences to look forward to, and while my depression may be a part of those, it won't be for all of them.

You know what people don’t talk about often enough? Playing catch up in life after spending your teens or early 20s suicidally depressed. There’s so many more layers than just being able to say “I don’t want to die anymore.”

The difficulty in academia or a career after spending years thinking you wouldn’t be alive long enough for any of it to matter.

The exhaustion that comes from self awareness and self soothing, with the constant voice in your head saying “don’t go backwards.”

How lonely it is to watch the people your age starting families when you’re just barely learning what stable relationships are, and the sudden societal pressure of being “up against a clock” for these kinds of things.

The judgement from others if you change your image or interests this late in the game just because you finally figured out who you really are under the demons.

Be kind to those who are developing and blooming after years of not planning on being here long. We are living a life we absolutely didn’t think we’d have, and it’s hard enough without society reminding us there’s expectations of our age.

We didn’t get to be young; we were too busy fighting battles few know.

-

[solxamber]

hiii just checked out the holiday event, savanaclaw 7 fluffy? pls & ty :3

This is one of my favorites from what I've written for this event :3

Patchwork Promises || Ruggie Bucchi

For the Holiday Event! || Prompt: "For you, anything." ; Genre: Fluff

The hole in the roof of Ramshackle was mocking you. Each night, you stared up at the sky, praying it wouldn’t rain. And each morning, you woke up feeling groggier than the day before. It was miserable, and you weren’t shy about complaining.

“It’s not just a hole,” you lamented to Ruggie one afternoon, kicking a stray pebble. “It’s a metaphor for my life falling apart.”

Ruggie chuckled, his sharp grin breaking through. “You’re dramatic, huh? It’s just a roof, not the end of the world.”

“It is the end of my world,” you insisted. “I can’t sleep, and Grim keeps blaming me for the drafts.”

That was the end of the conversation—or so you thought.

A week later, Ruggie showed up at Ramshackle with a hammer, a bag of nails, and an oddly proud smirk.

“What are you doing?” you asked as he waltzed past you and headed straight for the gaping hole.

“Fixing your roof, obviously.”

“What—how—Ruggie, did you pay for this?”

He shrugged, climbing a rickety ladder. “Yeah. I’ve been saving up.”

Your jaw dropped. “You’ve been running yourself ragged doing side jobs! You didn’t need to spend that money on me!”

You pressed your hands to your face, overwhelmed. “Ruggie, that money was for you. You could’ve spent it on food, or clothes, or... I don’t know, something fun! Not my falling-apart house!”

Ruggie glanced down at you, his eyes gleaming. “Well, I wanted to. Couldn’t stand the thought of you shivering all night while some draft talks smack about your life choices.”

He jumped down from the ladder after hammering the last nail in place, brushing his hands off with a satisfied look.

“Tell you what,” he said, stepping close. “If you’re feeling guilty, I’ve got a repayment plan.”

You blinked. “A repayment plan?”

“One kiss for every thaumark I spent.”

Your face went hot. “Ruggie!”

He smirked, leaning in just enough to make your knees wobble. “What? It’s fair. And I’d say I deserve it, considering how many jobs I took on for this.”

“How much did you spend?”

“Eh, a few hundred thaumarks.”

“Ruggie!”

He laughed, tugging you into a hug before you could argue further. “Relax, I’m messing with you. But seriously—don’t feel bad. For you? I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Thaumarks come and go, but you…”

His voice softened, and he rested his chin on your shoulder. “You’re worth every single coin.”

Your heart swelled, and you hugged him back, feeling lighter than you had in weeks.

“Fine,” you murmured. “But you’re still getting your repayment.”

“Oh, yeah?”

You tilted your head, kissed his cheek, and grinned. “One thaumark at a time.”

The laughter that followed was louder than any rainstorm that might’ve passed through the night.

Masterlist

[fireheartpages]

other plans | b.d.

bodhi durran x reader part one. two. three. four. five. summary: everyone has their demons, you just chose to run from yours. straight to basgiath war college. and definitely not towards the grinning tall, dark, and handsome marked rider that seemed too kind to be in a hardened place like the rider's quadrant. word count: 2.1k ish notes: second person pov but i give the reader a nickname (that i stole from dirty dancing) and a last name bc i'm not using y/n and i want this to be readable. she/her pronouns used for reader. this has been stuck in my head and i thought i was gonna combust if i didn't get it on page. and it's all together hovering somewhere around 7k words so im gonna split it up and post it all within the next few days and then have the whole thing available on ao3! i haven't written fanfiction in at least a good six months, and i've never written for fourth wing, so bare with me a little--i tried my best. i have a chronic attachment to side characters with little to no page time. half of this was written while wine tipsy and all of it was proofread while wine drunk, so we die like men

Bodhi has never seen someone walk across the parapet so easily.

He's never seen someone make a dance out of it. As if it were a show, a production. Your feet are so confident, so sure with every step, every placement that you would make it to the next. It's pouring rain and windy as all hell, and yet you make the parapet look like a children's balance beam.

You land right in front of him, and by the time your eyes meet his, he's already decided that he needs to know everything he possibly can about you. The instant your focus lands on him, he's obsessed.

Garrick has other plans.

"Name?"

"Baby," you say, and Bodhi blinks. "Marho."

Garrick is downright gawking at you. "Baby?"

Something that sounds much more like a name and not what an infant is called slips out on a laugh, and Bodhi can't help but trace the lean lines of your neck. Holy shit. If he thought you were pretty before, it was dwarfed to the sound of your laugh. The sun had to fight for space when you smiled.

"Sorry. Childhood nickname, I forget I have another one sometimes."

"Did your parents nickname you after a hooker?" Garrick asks, jotting your name--the true one--on the roll.

"Did yours raise you to be a dick?" you ask, not missing a beat, and the boy's gaze snaps up to you. If Bodhi had been looking anywhere else, his would have too, but he hadn't taken his eyes off of you since the moment you stepped foot onto the parapet. He felt his brow shoot up, lips parting on a huff.

He bursts out laughing.

You don't move. Don't take your eyes from Garrick, from staring him down, until he tips his head in inclination and gives something that sounds like an apology. It's Bodhi's turn to be the subject of your scrutiny now, and as your eyes trace his shape, shifting with the weight of your gaze and his laugh, he senses more than sees the moment you note his rebellion relic. Your face doesn't shift, but it's as if a proverbial file is created and tucked away into the archive of your mind.

You didn't say anything else as you walk away from the two boys, but Bodhi tracks you as you go. Tracks your movements, as you weave through the crowd with a practiced grace, how your hair moves as you take the stairs down and out of his sight.

He's almost sorry to see you go. But he's determined to see you again.

Bodhi snatches the roll sheet from Garrick as parapet comes to an end, scanning to make sure he has the name correct. He marches up to Xaden, and only pausing for a moment to consider how stupid this is--he literally doesn't know a single thing about you--before throwing your name into the space between them.

"I want her in my section."

"Don't you have better things to do than flirt with children?" Xaden asks impassively.

"She's not a literal baby."

"I'm aware of that," he responds, sounding exasperated. "You're an Executive Officer, Bodhi. Do what you want."

Except Dain Aetos has other plans.

You made friends. You stand with the Sorrengail girl and another he didn't recognize, tucking loose strands of hair back into her coronet braid. What type of person fixed the hair of someone they'd just met? You, apparently.

You're in Second Wing. With Aetos and Sorrengial and the other girl. This is fine. Something about you didn't scream "secret rebel" the way wanted it too.

And then Xaden transfers your squad to Fourth Wing. He had sent Bodhi a glance as he put the squad in Flame section--not Tail--and Bodhi could see there was some sort of ulterior motive behind the decision. It did also mean you weren't under his direct chain of command. He couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing

Fraternization is frowned upon, not forbidden, after all.

Not that you would be fraternizing. After all.

But, challenging you would be a terrible idea. Terribly adverse, fatally cataclysmic, and ill-fated.

And all of those words mean the same thing.

He would stay clear, watch you from afar, and maybe, maybe work up the courage to talk to you outside of parapet. Possibly.

His confidence needed some serious shaping. Since when was he afraid to talk to someone? A pretty someone, to say the least. He was a gods damned dragon rider. He wasn't afraid to talk to you. He was just... hesitant.

Yeah. That. And he did not need a challenge to break the ice.

Emetterio has other ideas.

He calls your name, then Bodhi's, and Bodhi is pretty sure his heart stops in his chest.

You don't look frazzled or scared, just curious as you study him from head to toe. He guards himself as if you were an intruder in his mind, an Inntinnsic slipping in to spill all his secrets. Except you're an unbounded first year that hasn't even developed a signet, and instead that's just you. He's building up walls just to look at you. You and those bright, keen eyes.

Emetterio calls it, and you're off. Except neither of you move. You pace around, and it's a stand off. You cock your head, and Bodhi tries every trick in the book: the fakes out, glances quickly off to the side, purposefully stumbles--and you're unfazed. Completely and utterly unfazed.

He can't make the first move. He can't hit you--

Suddenly, his feet are out from under him, and he's staring at the ceiling, and you lunge, reaching to pin him to the floor. He reaches out and catches the elbow you throw, but before he can even make contact, you twist, sliding underneath him, and suddenly you're behind him.

You're fast. Really fucking fast. And suddenly, Bodhi has his work cut out for him.

You kick out again, going to the back of his knees, and he recognizes the move, thrusting his body forward to keep control and twisting before he lands, kipping up so you're eye-level again.

Your first catches his nose, and blood goes flying. He makes the mistake of bringing his hands up to cup his nose and it leaves his core exposed. You take the opportunity to land a knee in his gut, probably bruising a few ribs in there, and he doubles over, the wind having been knocked from him. Holy shit, he needs to get at least one hit in. This was getting embarrassing.

He swings blindly, and you dodge--but you don't grab his fist. And you had the perfect opportunity to. You were fast, and your reflexes were quick, but you didn't know how to end this. The realization crashes into him as you swing again. A lot of force, but no follow-though, giving him the perfect opportunity to deflect, pushing your fist and forcing the follow-through until you were swinging behind him with his hand around your wrist and then he was bringing you to him, one of his arms gripping one of yours across your neck, and the other twisting your other behind your back. Like this, your body was flush against his.

You struggle, kicking out, but it was all too easy for him to get your feet out from under you. You weren't small by any means, but Bodhi was bigger, and had a year of training over you. Your feet kicked out, and all he had to do was lean back to incapacitate you. You gave a frustrated grunt that so heavily affected him that he almost dropped you to make sure you were okay before he realized where he was and what he was doing.

"Finish her without making a fool of yourself, please," Cuir chimes in, probably sensing his hesitation and near-miss, and Bodhi sends an eye roll he hopes she can feel, since he doesn't have the brain space to say anything back, with your body pressed against his and the current task at hand.

He twists and take you both to the ground, pinning both your hands above your head, and taking a leg beneath his foot, balancing on a knee. You let out a sharp huff, and he's mesmerized by the way your nose scrunches up in determination. Your free leg goes to knee him, and he takes the hit, leaning into it before transferring your hands so they're both pinned between one of his, sliding one hand down your hip and to your thigh, holding it to the gourd before you can knee him again. He has a free knee to hold him up, but not without giving leverage to one of your legs. So he's pressed against you, hip to hip, face to face.

"Yield," he says, begs, because he can't hold this for long, and because if you figure out just how much you affect him, you'd win this thing in a matter of heartbeats.

"No," you grind out, thrashing. He's spread thin: his wingspan practically encompassing your body, giving you leverage to wear against him. He worries for a moment, a flash of the bruise he could leave on your thigh going through his mind, and two thoughts overtake him at once.

One, that he doesn't want to hurt you. And that while it may be inevitable with where you two stood, he wanted to try and eliminate the possibility as best he could.

Two, that he would leave bruises all up and down your thighs if he ever got the chance to get between them.

And the combination of the two of those thoughts loosened his grip on you, giving you the opportunity to roll away.

"I did not choose someone this negligent," Cuir snaps, and Bodhi panicks, and now you're pinned underneath him again, his front pressed to your backside, and it's a true plea when he breathes, "Yield."

"No!" You squirm, and fuck stop doing that--

"Get yourself together!" Cuir snaps, and Bodhi sucks in a sharp breath.

"That's enough," Emetterio says, pinning you with a look Bodhi would pick dragon fire over. "Know when to quit, Cadet Marho."

"No!" you yelp. "If this were a real fight, no one is calling the shots--"

"If this was a real fight, you'd be dead. I called it. Get off the mat," Emetterio snaps, and Bodhi scrambles off of you.

He offered you a hand that you send a pointed look at, and he can tell you're considering telling him where to shove it, but you take it anyway, and he walks you off the mat with a hand on your shoulder.

"Good match," Bodhi says, genuinely trying.

You open your mouth to respond, looking like you yourself could spit fire for a second, and Bodhi pities the dragon you end up bonded to for a moment.

"You're fast," he continues, before you can. "Quick reflexes, and you're strong."

"I had you," you throw at him, fiery and determined, and your gaze slips to his rebellion relic.

Oh. So that's what this is about.

Bodhi shakes his head, and the grin that had been blooming falters. "I can help," he says. "If you're struggling with sparring, I can help."

You suck in a breath.

"Or Imogen. Or Xaden. Or--" he stops, because, fuck, obviously you don't want to be near Marked ones--

"Thank you," you say, and the ghost of the smile he saw after the parapet makes a reappearance. "Thank you."

And with that, you turn and leave, heading back to your squad. Rhiannon is shaking her head at you, and Violet mumbles something that makes you laugh. Bodhi would bottle that sound if he could. What the hell was a counter signet for? His signet should be used for bottling the sound of your laugh--

"Do not finish that thought," Cuir chides. "Get a grip."

Bodhi grins, his hair falling over his temple as Garrick comes up and slaps him on the back, congratulations on a challenge well fought. He watches you take a swig from the water canteen, traces the lines of your jaw down to your shoulder until you hand it back, then traces the length of your wrist as you hand it--

"Pathetic." Cuir. "You haven't spoken."

"We kind of did," Bodhi says mentally. "I offered. I... tried."

"If you like her, try harder," she chides, and Bodhi sighs.

He doesn't like you, he barely knows you.

"Sure."

[sturniololuv08]

On The Twelfth Day Of Nickmas...

Day 12 of Juno's 12 Days Of Nickmas

The party was interesting. Bri kept making subtle jokes no one was picking up on but the four of them. Nick noticed Larray flirting with Jared on occasion, but Jared never faltered where his attention was fixated. Gifts were exchanged, food was eaten, and Tik Toks were made of the famous now-proclaimed annual Sturniolo Christmas party.

"What a fucking night." Chris stretched as the door down the stairs closed.

"I know, right." Bri smiled as she was cleaning up small amounts of trash.

"Ready for bed?" Matt came up the stairs and joined by her side.

"Mhhm." She nodded weakly. He wrapped his arm around her and led her off to his room.

"I guess she's staying the night." Jared chuckled.

"Do you want to?" Nick offered up. Jared looked at him, knowing it meant more of what they weren't openly discussing was going to happen possibly.

"Yes." Jared didn't mean to, but his voice was eager. Chris smirked to himself as he walked down the stairs.

"Goodnight! " he yelled to everyone on the first level. Jared walked into Nick's room and saw the stain left on the sheets.

"Second time I've had to change these because of you." Nick laughed as he stripped the bed.

"Second time?" Jared raised a brow. Nick froze, realizing what he just said.

"I mean... I.. It's the first." He stuttered as he continued tugging at the sheet.

"You sure about that?" Jared sauntered over and wrapped his arms around Nick the way he did earlier. Nick felt his heart stop beating.

"No." He whispered the truth.

"No?" Jared copycatted his moves from earlier by running his fingers down Nick's body.

"Last night I ..." Nick wanted to tell him to see his reaction. He turned around. "I might have watched our car video." Nick's eyes gleamed as he saw Jared's loving expression. Jared kissed Nick's forehead.

"I love that video." he rested his foreheads on Nick's. They stood there for a moment, reveling in the silence. There was a sense of comfort Nick hadn't felt in a while. He felt like he could be himself without any repercussions. He could let his guard down. "I'm glad we met." Jared broke the silence.

"Me too."

"I know you are. Otherwise, you wouldn't have texted me." Jared winked at him. Nick sat on the bed.

"Were you mad?" He made a joke back.

"Of course not." Jared crawled on top of Nick and sat on his lap. Nick felt a heat wave flow down his body. "I had a feeling we would be good friends when I first met you."

"Really?" Nick perked up at the underlying compliment.

"Of course not. You hated me."

"I didn't hate you!" Nick was appalled he would think that.

"You barely spoke to me." Jared rolled his eyes, recalling the first time they met.

"If I remember correctly, I was having a bad day." Nick tried to recall the events before Jared walked in.

"Oh. I'm sorry." Jared felt terrible for not considering Nick's day.

"It's okay. Everyone is entitled to a bad day." Nick shrugged it off. The silence settled in again, and this time, it was uncomfortable. It felt like one of them needed to say something to address their position or feelings, but neither of them had the nerve to go first. Jared sighed. "What?" Nick looked up to see Jared staring off.

"Can we just talk about it?"

"About what?" Nick played dumb.

"Us?" Jared flicked his glance down to Nick, then away again.

"You are -"

"Your best friend. I know all that. Earlier, you said we weren't just best friends." Jared called him out.

"Best friends don't exactly do what we have been doing." Nick looked down at his waist, where their bodies were connected.

"So we are more." Jared perked up and looked at him.

"Yeah." Nick liked how excited Jared looked to be more with him. His dick started growing. Even though Jared was older than him, little things like the look in his eyes made Nick want to be more in control. Jared dipped down and kissed Nick in the middle of his thoughts. Their lips were moving together for a while before Jared started creating friction on Nick. "Mhhmm." Nick moaned on Jared's lips. Nick was ready to explore with Jared. A friendship turned into lovers wasn't what he had planned the day he got Jared's numbers, but he wasn't going to complain that his actions put him here. He tugged at the bottom of Jared's shirt. Jared slipped it off with one hand. His skinny white body was exposed.

"Take them off." Jared slid off of Nick so he could unbutton his jeans. He slid them all the way off.

"Your turn?" Nick asked. Jared slipped his sweatpants all the way off. Jared started tugging at Nick's shirt, wanting to see his skin. Nick shook his head lightly and pulled Jared onto him again. Their kiss was passionate and heated. Nick loved feeling even closer to his best friend. He denied this feeling for months without realizing it was making him ache. Nick shimmied back onto the bed more so his legs were no longer hanging over. Jared took this as a chance to re-situate himself on top of Nick. Nick nodded consent for Jared to press down on his swollen tip. Jared spit in his hand and rubbed it over Nick's soft shaft. Nick groaned from the simple pleasure.

"Ready?" Jared was ready. Crossing this line with Nick meant never going back, but Jared was okay with that. He decided he wanted Nick no matter what it meant moving forward.

"Yeah," Nick said, a little breathless. He was looking at Jared on top of him and falling for him. He had seen Jared countless times shirtless, but seeing him on top of him, ready to feel the pleasure Nick could give him, was euphoric. Jared started sliding down on Nick, feeling him inside. He winced a little as Nick's girth stretched him out. "Is it okay?" Nick was worried. He had been intimate with guys before but never like this. Jared started rocking slowly, feeling the pleasure of Nick touching deep inside of him.

"Oh my God." Jared threw his head back as he started rocking faster. Nick instinctively grabbed Jared's waist and made him move deeper.

"Fuck." He bit his bottom lip.

"I want you." Jared came down and kissed him again, continuing the motion with his hips. Their kiss became sloppy and rushed. "Harder," Jared whispered on his lips. Nick started snapping his hips upwards to bounce Jared up and down on his dick. Jared slammed down hard, feeling Nick touch all the right spots. His hands held onto Nick's chest for leverage and balance.

"You fucking like that?" Nick moaned. Jared didn't answer. Instead, he grabbed Nick's hand off of his waist and set it on his own hard penis. Nick understood what he wanted and started stroking him. Nick was going strong until Jared looked down with his green eyes and smirked slightly.

"Nick." Jared moaned loudly.

"I'm cumming." Nick bit his lip and looked at their hips rubbing against each other.

"Me too." Jared felt himself slowly release on Nick's shirt. Nick pressed his hips upwards, ramming himself as far into Jared as he could fit, and let his load go. "Fuck!" Jared winced from a little bit of pain and a whole lot of pleasure.

"Ugh, Jared." Nick let his name slip off his tongue in a lustful way. Jared rested his head next to Nick's. He felt a smooth pair of lips press on the side of his face. "You okay?" Nick asked, again checking on his friend.

"Mhhmm." Jared mumbled and nodded. They lay together for a few minutes, just taking in the moment. This moment was going to change everything between them, but neither of them seemed to mind.

"Hey, " Nick said, wanting Jared's attention. Jared lifted his head, lethargic from his euphoria settling in. "Merry Christmas," Nick smiled at him.

Taglist: @trevorsgodmother @strnilolover @chrissbug333 @kirby0strombolli @abbilmao @ksturnz @marrykisskilled @thenickgirl

That's it! It's late but this is the FINALE <3

I'm sorry it was late writing Nick Smut had me intimidated

[witsserviceablesubstitute]

If The Magicians taught me anything it's that two of their same sex leads could have sex, spend a lifetime together raising a child, have one actively ask out the other, and it all still be largely interpreted as a bromance. I suppose it could be, but only with an admittance that the boundaries around love and sexuality are not as solidly defined as they're perceived to be. Which is not something you're typically going to get from either the text itself or those that deny the very possibility of two male friends being in sincere romantic love with each other.

In all honesty, a tv production playing around with homoeroticism is likely doing so without malice. It can be a writers room being intentionally flexible with gender and sexuality and coming up against industry standards and practices. Or, and more often, a developing conversation between a queer fandom that finds meaning within the text (and easier access to the writers and actors), and a production encountering queer theory through that fandom for the first time.

That is to say I've been watching Supernatural again because I don't have a good relationship with the series and maybe this is something I need to get over. Supernatural means a lot to people here and I dislike the trend I see of treating a popular queer interpretation with dismissal and disdain.

If Supernatural has taught me anything in the past few years it's that one part of the biggest ship in the last decade can say he's in love with the other part of that big ship (to his face), and it still be interpreted as a confession of platonic love. To me the confession is clear in intent. Castiel is canonically in love with Dean Winchester, and through falling in love with Dean falls in love with humanity. Castiel's confession is actually a rather inevitable and lovely realisation of his character trajectory, even if I don't believe Dean knew what he was asking when he asked a creature made for unconditional devotion to have faith in him instead of heaven and God. What's more, a character being in love with their friend is not a failing, nor rare, it happens all the time in fiction, but I do think Castiel could have passionately kissed Dean goodbye in that scene and it still be considered the culmination of a bromance. So stubborn is the denial, dismissal, and disdain.

I like Eric Kripke. There's something modernist about his themes— a deliberate breaking of the romance of the past. A reflection of dysfunction, of things falling apart. In Supernatural it's in his building the family unit only to destroy the family unit using Christian mythology. In The Boys it's in his satirizing of the American myth using an American power fantasy (superheroes). There's also a bit of Jack Kerouac and the Beat Generation about what he creates and how he creates it, a hectic homoerotic masculinity that both indulges in and is critical of the darker sides of human nature. It's therefore unsurprising that there's such a strong queer reading of his work and of Dean Winchester in particular. So while it's absolutely fine to say, 'i don't interpret the text or character this way', it's less fine to try and erase every possible queer interpretation of the text and characters.

US TV networks are concerned with alienating their conservative audience with overtly queer main characters, especially when it subverts hegemonic forms of masculinity. But it has always been something queer fandom is fixated on— that subversion of both toxic masculinity and heteronormativity. It's why I think Supernatural has, not only the most fanworks written for it on AO3, but a large body of academic articles about its relationship with gender, religion, and sexuality. A queer reading is definitely there and it doesn't deserve the disdain or dismissal.

[rei-ismyname]

Exceptional X-Men #4 REVIEW

I've been singing the praises of Eve L Ewing and Carmen Carnero's Exceptional X-Men, so let's see what they manage to do now that the premise is established and they've got 5 main characters we're invested in. A benefit of establishing your characters early is that you get to focus on introducing plot elements, special guests, and complications - like serialised storytelling does. Uncanny is a good example of how a lack of focus early on weakens everything you try to do. It's hard to care about The Outliers or Nightcrawler when they feel like wallpaper, and now they're running around an event without knowing who they are. The stakes lay primarily with Rogue. Trista/Bronze is a fantastic example of this done right, and as you'll see we can explore plot developments that wouldn't make sense elsewhere. Spoilers ahoy, caveat emptor.

Trista gets a lot of focus which works because we know who she is and what she wants.

Due to Kate pushing back against taking these kids somewhere isolated for training, we get to see them try to live normal lives. Trista has friends outside the tiny mutant peer group, a crush, and an interest in theatre. She declared last issue that her goal is to not hurt anyone, and she's struggling with what people tell her to be and what she wants. She's a sweet kid, and I'd say there's a racial component to this dichotomy - how black kids are perceived and how they need to act to get by in a white supremacist world. That's outside my experience but I'm invested in how Trista deals navigates the issue. After all, being strong, kind, gentle and lovely aren't mutually exclusive

I hesitate to compare to Uncanny again, but they both have high school scenes and the difference is stark. Westinghouse College Prep is a real life school in Chicago (that Biggie, Jay Z, Busta Rhymes and DMX all went to) and it is ranked pretty highly nationally. According to its website it has 98% minority enrollment. Importantly, it feels like a real school in 2024 with real people attending it, and not just because it actually is one IRL. There's no need to reach for played out generic high school tropes when the characters feel like real people with real problems already - verisimilitude.

After a smash cut to Trista with a sentinel looming over her, we learn that Emma does a pretty damn good Danger Room analogue. Trista seems determined and in control at first, using her different powers in concert effectively. She does manage to Empire Strikes Back trip the Sentinel up, but wigs out when it falls on top of her, understandably. Emma calls it, and we see more proof of why she's considered good at training young mutants.

Bobby's entrance at the end of last issue felt like a cliffhanger by virtue of being on the final page, but I'm glad his presence doesn't derail the plot entirely. It's implied that some time has passed, maybe a week - enough time for Bobby and Trista to get to know each other and enough time for Bobby to feel Kitty is avoiding him. Trista picks up on his odd behaviour and asks Emma about psychic ethics, heh. Her answer is funny and sardonic while still getting the point across. Emma and Trista having one on one time tells us a lot about Emma's sincerity and the trust she's earned through good works.

The subtext of Trista's distraction is made text - she's preoccupied with the audition, her crush, and the fear of exposure/social rejection. While we know this already, or could guess, it's effective to have newer characters tell their story. What they say is as important as what they don't say or how they say it. She responds well to being listened to and positive reinforcement, accepting the reframing of the audition as an opportunity.

Bobby is definitely up to something and acting weird. His persona feels performative. He's explicitly faking bathroom usage to text privately, and while his texting is worded vaguely enough to not give much away, it does seem sinister. At minimum he is lying about why he's there. Kitty picks up on the same weirdness Trista did and she's really not having it. He doesn't have the vibes of a friend seeking or offering support, though Kitty isn't interested in either and tells him to leave. Idk if Bobby even has a home right now - he was living in Antarctica because ORCHIS poisoned him and he couldn't hold a solid form for long. He was back with Romeo last time we saw him but also didn't have a physical body. I can't blame the creators for not explaining that, I have to assume they're under the same editorial direction everyone else is.

Trista's warmup scene has excellent layout, with the other kids' faces in circles next to their supportive texts. It's a clever way of showing their faces in an issue they're mostly absent from, and it's a solid method of variety in an issue with more texting than most. Showtime!

Trista meekly introduces herself to the casting guy/director and he suggests that the lead might not be right for her. He's polite, though she's about to disagree when her mutant life and school life clash in an unexpected way. One of those yellow beasts from X-Force appears from a portal and grabs her crush. You don't need to have been reading X-Force, it's a big monster (that were confirmed to be appearing globally in that book) and it's here. Trista rallies and uses her training to bronze up and get her head in the game.

It's a dangerous situation but has a simple solution suited to Trista's skillset. She grabs it with her tentacle things, ties it up and yeets it through the portal. Her overcoming it with pure force or martial skill would be a bit silly, but by linking her training and the progress she's made with Emma to a simple solution, it feels like an appropriate and believable triumph. Strong yet gentle. Neutralizing the beast and protecting herself and others without using overwhelming violence. It's a very effective character beat and the support/adulation from the theatre people is earned. She nailed the audition, and gets offered her choice of parts, though interestingly she turns it down in favour of her training. The theatre folks show solidarity and swear to keep her mutanthood a secret.

Trista shows up to training and seems more confident, her posture showing strength and positivity. It looks like Bronze, Axo and Melee are all benefiting and even Kate manages a smile. Then she overhears Bobby on the phone while grabbing some equipment. It's not a good look.

What Bobby is saying is so weird that she's not even sure it's him. Kate phases her hand next to his heart and straight up threatens him. He explains that everyone is worried about her and she says she's choosing this life. He tries to bring up ORCHIS and she shuts it down, saying out loud that she killed people. A little too loud, it turns out.

The kids overhear and are horrified, understandably. They're really young and don't have the kind of life experiences that come with being an X-Man - of course they are! Tom Brevoort has made a lot of noise about the X-Men killing people in Fall of X, an argument that has ignored the nuance of being at war with genocidal fascists. The issue hasn't made it to the page in a meaningful way until now, and I couldn't be more impressed. Rooting the issue in Kate's trauma and shame - as something that terrifies the students she's trying to help and likely damaging the trust she's built - approaches it on a believable character level.

This is a big part of what caused Kate to hang up her Spandex and it's something she's going to have to reckon with. Add the kids' emotional and ethical reaction and you've got a fantastic cliffhanger with the promise of explosive drama.

Kate grabs Bobby's phone and it's Rogue on the other end. She doesn't look like she's at Haven or in uniform, so who knows what's going on there? They're clearly ahead of Raid on Graymalkin as Iceman is in league with them, as if that book needs more characters. Kate doesn't care and hangs up on her. I wasn't going to compare to Uncanny a third time, but if the two are crossing over it invites comparison. Kurt's glib comment about thinking he was a murderer felt trite and silly, next to the dramatic execution of Shadowkat's actions being confronted it looks downright amateur. Kate is clearly having a PTSD flashback or intrusive thought during this conversation - whereas it wouldn't work for Bobby or Emma to announce that she has PTSD, for example.

I do enough shitting on Uncanny's writing in my reviews of that book, my point is how well similar beats are executed in this book. Eve L Ewing and Carmen Carnero's Exceptional X-Men is aptly named and frankly, if you're not reading it you're missing out. We know all these characters well enough that we care about their reaction to this revelation. Kate looks like she's about to break down, and Bronze and Axo's body language is heartbreaking. Emma knows shit is about to hit the fan and she's surely aware she killed people in Fall of X too. That's how you do a cliffhanger. Issue #4 managed to do a Trista focus issue, some slice of life, excellent character work, and lit a fuse to explode next issue all in 20 pages.

Exceptional X-Men is fantastic and you should be reading it.

[key-lime-soda]

one very underrated form of anti-capitalism is documenting prices for the sake of holding industries accountable and preserving history.

for example, i have been doing a bit of research on video game pricing history and one thing that really surprised me was how little game prices have changed over the years. here's an article I found from the Official Xbox magazine in 2010 talking about how pricing games at $60 is something that needs to be changed.

again, this is from 2010. I was under the impression up until now that AAA games were sold for like $35 back then but apparently not?? and even though this article is discussing upcoming price drops, they're still didn't go much lower than $50 for AAA games and $40 for non-AAA games. (yes i am aware that nintendo games have historically been cheaper but still not by much, at least in terms of home console games and not handheld games).

you can't even argue that games are still more expensive nowadays (some go as high as $70-80 for the base game alone), because adjusting for inflation would mean a $60 game in 2010 would cost $86.28 today. which sounds about right for a AAA these days. and btw finding actual records of how much games used to cost is an absolute pain in the ass because no one thought to properly document these things. once a game reaches the age of a permanent price drop its hard to find its old price. most ads for games don't even include prices, so that consumers wouldn't be turned away from the high cost. marketing techniques have hidden predatory pricing for ages.

document the past. don't let nostalgia blind us from knowing how things really used to be

[uncanny-tranny]

At this point, gender nonconformity is about what the person says their experience is.

If a woman with a beard or a man with lipstick and a mustache says they're gender nonconforming, then they are! If a woman with short hair or a man with long hair says they aren't, they aren't! And that's not even getting into the awesome nonbinary, abinary, genderqueer, intersex, and general genderfuckery that may both be and not be conforming.

So much of what is even considered gender conforming or gender nonconforming is based on a world of exclusion. When we start defining one's conformity with whether they fit into white cishetero perisex standards or not, we play into the idea that there's only a very narrow window of what is considered worthy of time and thought.

[sysig]

Challenge level: Impossible (Patreon)

[vettelcore]

people with outdoor cats be like: yes my cat came back home half dead, caught hiv, is full of parasites and sometimes has gone missing for weeks but i don't care bc at least the cat is free and not locked inside like selfish people do!!!

[melverie]

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh today I've been constantly experiencing the urge to un-private today-in-the-devildom & start writing for it again

[forgotten-daydreamer]

vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.

[lem-argentum]

it took me until dt to change rudy's hairstyle, but i ACTUALLY think he would've cut it back in post-stb when he became a reaper. the trope of "character cuts hair to feel more in control of their life" is cliché but REAL. and also the visual of him cutting it with his scythe is fun

[imflyingfish]

.

[polygondotcomvideoproducer]

Uni lecture is making me think about my future for a minute and auuuggghhhh the agonies

[tamarin-opal-eyed]

OOP Tam's a bun now! Long story, will put in the tags, but aside from an adjustment in name/backstory/colors, she's still the same grump.