#comfort reads am I right

[until-the-end-i-read]

ME: I want to go curl up and read a good book until bed. I've got three new ones from the bookstore the other day waiting for me. ALSO ME: I'm going to go re-read a twelve-thirteen book series, and get no sleep while I am at it.

[hinamie]

"I'll show you every day that choosing to live was worth it"

some of my favourite scenes from @hijinks-n-lowjinks' fic things i would miss from the other side . this fic tore my heart out fr but like in a good way and i wanted to pay it homage the only way i know how <3

[moeblob]

Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).

I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".

[spotaus]

Hi guys, this is usually what a doodle page ends up looking like <3 (oh, and @ancha-aus thought you might like this! Not writing but certainly fuel to my fire lol-)

This one is New Age filled!!! (Close-ups abd Lore beneath the cut!)

1) Night and Cross!

Night is actually very clingy once he's a teen. He doesn't usually realize it, but around the castle he'll snake to be closer to his Knights so long as there's no one he needs to keep his composure infront of is nearby. Cross is the one who's not used to physical touch (when it's not Ink ofc) so Night in his personal bubble makes his heart melt but also scares tf out of him <3

2) Error and Night's Meeting!

Error was carrying his whole life on his back and trying not to get arrested for unintentional property damage at this point, so when he saw the chance to get back at his brother and prove he was strong enough? Yeah, he got that on chance instantly. And was VERY smug when Nightmare chose him. (Also, Error is wearing gloves, so less Haphephobia)

3) Dream and Blue designs!

I think these are good tentative designs! Dream probably has a more regal fit, but he likes to play up that rugged exile look- He's inspired by Archers, while Blue takes on that classic Knightly-vibe. Their equipment is mostly stolen from Night's troops or brought with them from Blue's home kingdom.

Also, Dream is approx Killer's height at this point, shorter than Cross and *much* shorter than Apple!Nightmare. (Hc that Skeletons tend to be tinier in stature thanks to weird monster beauty standards. Horror and Geno's fam are outliers.)

4) Horror and Dust designs!

Horror is naturally a very *large* monster. He's very malnourished when Nightmare meets him, but by the time he's a Knight Nightmare has made sure that's no longer the case. He actually loves comfy, simple clothes, but to play up the whole 'strong mysterious' bit he wears a more barbaric Knight's garb. He doesn't mind acting scary, it's more fun that way :]. Dust is very very small, and envies horror sometimes for his size, but his tiny stature let's him control his body and move a lot quicker. He's very much based on a rogue, and usually covers the lower part of his face w/ a black cloth, and the upper part w/ his hood or mask. Dust only removes both to bathe, eat, or relax in a safe location. (Ignore that I can't draw the stupid gaster blaster lmao-)

These last two were space-fillers, but Cross and his Borzoi (Windmill, otherwise known as Milly (Killer named her-)) and really bad first wips of Ccino! I think Ccino was a chubby, happy toddler, but lost a lot of 'weight' (bone mass? Magic?) due to stress and pressure and bad eating habits. So it isn't until a while after the Coronation that he starts to relax abd feel safe enough to eat normal meals (Nightmare used to guilt him into eating snacks together, but as his boss (and younger brother) he can encourage it more often). By the time Killer shows he's still not quite healthy, but he's better. As more weight is lifted off his shoulders, the better he is. (That 'beauty' most people saw was a more stereotypical slimness, but Killer never stopped seeing Ccino as beautiful-) I think he never looked traditionally underweight, so no one noticed, and it was only much later that Night processed it. (And maybe it's why Dream hardly recognized him later on-)

[xxplastic-cubexx]

what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]

a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious

i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me

as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy

[akemiiya]

are you really a flowey fan if you can type u in your browser's search bar and the first thing that shows up isn't undertale.com/alarmclock/flowey

[krikidilly]

I cant be, what you need, I am stuck, in a dream, I am stuck, in a dream.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

when I want to write something self indulgent to give me all the angsty and cuddly hurt/comfort feels but I can't because I end up feeling guilty because I'm seeking after feels that I feel in an inappropriate place because my mom told me one time when I was 15 that I shouldn't search that out or it's probably sexual sin but it confuses me because ALL the feels happen that way for me even if it's entirely platonic and nonsexual and so I don't know if it's okay to want to write to that because apparently all pleasure of any sort, even over platonic stories, is sexual or comes with a possibly probably sexual feeling and I also am having a hard time figuring out what's genuine conviction from God and what's just my anxiety/OCD/perfectionism/fear of failure

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

Im still thinking about bbh i cant help it. He wasnt going to bring skeppy onto the island. He was hoping that he’d get skeppy, but he was going to stick to his guns and leave the extra player up to islander vote. can you imagine? thats how much he loves them. thats how much he wants to be fair to them. he was going to let them choose, even when they all expected him to force skeppy onto the island, but he was going to let them choose. And it means that, for his current arc, he’s not grieving the loss of skeppy. he already knew there was a chance he wouldnt get him. Maybe that chance didnt become real until he actually lost, but it was never a guarantee that he’d get his skeppy.

bad is falling apart from the Stressors of the island and he is desperately trying not to. skeppy is his comfort blanket. skeppy is the reminder that, whatever happens here, bad cannot lose everything. Its not grief. Its “im not okay. I need help. he isnt here to help me, but if i pretend he is, maybe he can help me through it anyway.” maybe if skeppy where there, he’d know how to fix it. maybe if skeppy where there, bad wouldnt be falling apart at all.

just. he’s not okay. he asked Foolish for a hug. he spends so much time alone. he spends so much time with the eggs. when theyre gone, the skeppies will still be there. he misses him, and he loves the islanders so much he was going to give them the choice, and he cant ask them for help in any way that they can understand. he’s helping himself the only way he knows how- by clinging to his skeppy. and its still not enough

[satorisoup]

people will think im ordinary until they say one (1) thing about tmnt and all of a sudden im explaining the entire lore starting from the 1990’s movie & why donatello is the best turtle i fear… T^T

tag limit fights me… i must yap… please listen… SOB </3

[julykings]

rainy day

[henrybelly]

honestly when i tried to figure out why some fans are so mad at ivypool these days i was looking through avos and. the scene where ivypool apologises to twigpaw for not supporting sending a patrol for skyclan is genuinely very sweet??

i actually saw someone characterize this as "ivypool forcing twigpaw to forgive her". is it crack you smoke. is that what you smoke. you smoke crack?

[dentalcaring]

vent. sorry i’m honesty hangry and upset

actually i’m still annoyed. has anyone in this damn fandom heard of filtering tags. for shit. they don’t like

also like not to be ‘what about’ but seriously if your biggest problems are fucking shipping wars on tumblr dot com i envy you. truly.

[mokeonn]

What are you planning to do now? Genuine question. Need sliver of direction now.

Right now, I am going to call out of work, sit on my couch, noise canceling headphones in, phone off, dead to the world as I read nonfiction and theory that will hopefully bring me comfort.

At this point, if I see ANY opinion related to the topic at hand, whether it agrees with me or not, I'll get thrown into an angry meltdown. So I'm just going to hide away from the world for the next two days or so to help me process and calm down enough that I won't be sent into a flying rage at literally any opinion related to current events.

The most I can say without raging is simple: I think a lot of people are catastrophizing, misdirecting their anger, and forgetting who will be the most effected by these results. I think so many people are worried about being caught in the crossfire they forget who the target is.

I am also considering deleting the Tumblr app from my phone and completely turning social media into a "computer only" activity because I don't think having access to literally everyone's opinion at any given time on a device I already spend too much time on is healthy for me, especially after seeing how that device has effected other people after 10 years.

[ellascreams]

I Can’t Handle This

[Ollie managed to leave his job at Zoraxis and find his calling as a handler for the Agency, and it was all thanks to Agent Phoenix. When their usual handler is out of commission and Ollie has to fill in for him, he hopes he can do something to show Phoenix his gratitude and that their trust in him wasn’t in vain.]

Agent Phoenix changed Ollie’s life. He had suspected Zoraxis may not have been such a good company after all, but when he saw how that agent was kinder to him that any of his coworkers, despite him being the “enemy,” it was the final straw. That escape pod was not nearly as safe as it seemed at first glance, but he survived long enough for the Agency to find him. That was no easy feat. The Agency offered him a job on the spot. Finally, a chance to do some real good!

Unfortunately they wanted him in the Enhanced Operatives Devision. Ollie knew that was not his field. It was far too dangerous, and truthfully, he kind of got lucky in the escape pod. Surviving it did take skill, don’t get him wrong, but he was still lucky. He didn’t often have luck like that. He’d have to accept death or turn them down.

But then Agent Phoenix, THE Agent Phoenix, put in a good word for him. They had been the one in the lab. They said that he was a comforting voice in the chaos, that he understood their signals and ideas, that he could handle technology well, and that he even helped them figure out how to deal with that giant squid when their own handler couldn’t. They said that Ollie wouldn’t be a good field agent. He would be a great handler.

And, well, that was that. He became a handler. He loved it. It was stressful of course, but he was good at it, and he was finally helping people. He was making the world a better place and making up for the evil he had done. He really felt like he found his calling. And it was all thanks to the Phoenix. How can you repay something like that? How can you thank someone for changing your life like that?

Ollie didn’t know the answer, but he knew that it started with today. Phoenix’s usual handler, who Ollie knew as Mason although that probably wasn’t his real name, had gotten sick. He wasn’t in terrible condition but the Agency wanted him to get better as soon as possible so they made him rest. His agent, on the other hand, still had to do their job. They had a mission today. They still needed a handler and ideally one they were somewhat familiar with. Ollie was going to be Mason’s stand in. This was it. His chance to start to pay off a fraction of what he owed them.

Sitting in his office, watching the agent break in, Ollie thought back to the debriefing. “Ok! So. The Zoraxis INK model, they were using it to control a giant squid, you remember her right? We still don’t know much about it but I convinced the Agency to look into it as soon as I joined up, and wouldn’t you know, we actually found something! It’s a lab and sort of a warehouse in New Zealand where they’ve been working on the project. There should only be one guard, but we’re still expecting overall security to be tight, so we’re sending you in! You’re our best agent so I’m sure it will probably go great! I think!”

Oh gosh, he was so embarrassed. Why had he sounded so awkward? Why hadn’t he sounded more confident in their success? He was just so nervous about trying to show that Phoenix was right to think he’d be a good handler that he probably showed them they weren’t. Even now he was shaking, drenched in sweat, his heart pounding, just hoping the mission would go well. He almost didn’t notice when the agent finished disabling the security system and walked in.

“Great job Phoenix!” He said earnestly. “Now go down this hallway, turn right, go to the end of that hallway, and you can go into Hivemind’s office! It might not have all the information we need, but his office seems like the best place to start. It is his invention after all! If nothing else there should be something to lead us to what we…”

Ollie’s voice trailed off. He watched as the agent examined a vending machine next to the entrance. They were eyeing some Zor Cola, Ollie recognized it from the vending machine back in the underwater lab. It tasted like pure chemicals but it was better than nothing when you were really thirsty. Phoenix began searching around the vending machine, presumably looking for a misplaced coin, a secret code, or some problem with the machinery they could exploit.

“Sorry if you’re thirsty agent, but maybe Hivemind has some sort of drink in his office?” Phoenix continued looking until they found something on the back of the vending machine. “I don’t mean to pressure you, it’s just that the guard is still doing their rounds and we might not have much time before she gets here.” They began pressing buttons on the machines control pad. “Seriously, we don’t have much time.”

The vending machine accepted the maintenance code and its door opened. Ollie sighed. “Ok, just take the Cola with you and drink once you get to the office.” Phoenix nodded as they grabbed the Cola with their TK and headed down the hallway.

When Phoenix closed the door to Hivemind’s office, Ollie couldn’t help but give a sharp inhale as he saw that the agent had just barely missed the guard. Then Ollie took some slow, purposeful breaths. The guard only patrolled the hallways. She wouldn’t go into the office without reason. Close call or not they were safe now.

Agent Phoenix sat at Hivemind’s desk and drank their Zor Cola as the examined it. On top of it there was a lunch prepared for later, (it was a banana with a peanut butter and honey sandwich,) a lighter, ashtray, and cigars, (knowing bees and smoke he probably wasn’t the one who used those,) and Hiveminds’s name plaque. Where Phoenix was sitting they could see the desk had two drawers. One opened up to reveal bee keeping supplies. The other had to be unlocked with a code. A sticky note had the code written on it but it was, somewhat ironically, written in code.

“Alright, do you still have that cipher I gave you?” They nodded as the took the piece of paper out of their blazer pocket and unfolded it. “It probably won’t be the exact same as the one in my lab, but it should be a good place to start!”

The code was in fact different from Ollie’s old one, but the cipher did help. They managed to figure out as much “A___A_S B___AV_” before they had to start looking around the office for more clues. The beekeeping items were labeled in code and with Ollie recognizing the hive tool they were able to get the letters I, L, H, and E. Hivemind’s name plaque had his name in code on the back which gave them the extra letters N and M. That gave them the full code. “ANIMALS BEEHAVE.” Of course it was a bee pun.

Phoenix punched in the code and the drawer opened up. Inside there were a few documents. A couple talked about the actual function and design of the devices. Another seemed to be reporting on experiments. Annoyingly, that one was written in code too, and they definitely didn’t have enough information or time to decipher all of it. What they did get from it was a room number: 28.

“Room 28 is bit far away but I should be able to guide you there. The guards still doing her rounds around here though, so you can take a quick break!”

Phoenix picked up the peanut butter and honey sandwich and examined it for a moment. Then they picked up the lighter. They toasted the bread quite a bit before they ate it. That’s fine, by the time anyone notices the sandwich is gone, the agent will be gone too. Then they set a poster on fire.

“PLEASE, please be careful about that! You might burn yourself or set off the smoke alarm!” Ollie pleaded, but Phoenix set yet another poster on fire before putting both flames out with what was left of the Zor Cola. Were they like this with Mason too? They had to be, because if they weren’t that would mean…

That would mean they don’t respect his abilities as a handler. That they don’t think Ollie has the authority or even the skill give them instructions. It would mean that what they said to the Agency, what they said to him about his potential, wasn’t true. The person who believed in him enough to change his life didn’t actually believe in him.

Ollie did his best to ignore the thought. They were probably just like this. Hopefully. “The guard is out of the way now, so it would be a good time to head out.” Phoenix nodded and walked out of the room. Slowly, carefully, and quietly they walked through the hallways as Ollie told them what turns to make. Phoenix’s curiosity once again almost got them caught but Ollie’s directions were very well coordinated and the agent wasn’t stupid enough to stick around for too long. At the very center of the building, they found it. Room 28.

Phoenix looked at the room though the door’s window. The lights weren’t on but it wasn’t super dark. They didn’t see anything in the room but it was because there was nothing to see. It was a big empty room. There was maybe a table in one of the corners? It was a lot harder to see near the walls.

“I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe you should just take what we have and go.” Phoenix crossed their arms stubbornly. Ollie felt his stomach squirm. A room that large should never be that empty. Still, Phoenix was an incredible agent, and their instinct about what information is needed is probably pretty accurate. Maybe he was worrying too much. “Oh ok, I don’t think there’s any alarms in there but just, be careful.” They nodded and began picking the lock.

Ollie tried to stifle his gasp as the agent closed the door behind them but he mostly failed. He chose not to say anything and Phoenix took his silence as a go ahead. They walked towards the small table they saw earlier hoping it might have some readable notes. They began to hear a faint hissing sound. Then some quiet growls. Then a roar. Then barking. It was only when they got to the center of the room that their eyes had adjusted to the low light enough for them to see where the noise was coming from.

The walls they couldn’t see before were lined with caged animals. Barred doors were all that kept them safe from bears, wild cats, dogs, wolves, snakes, all of them wearing familiar shackles. All of them angry and ready to attack Phoenix. All of them loud enough to alert—

“What’s wrong you stupid animals?” The guard said as she opened the door and turned on the light. She was certainly surprised to see Phoenix there. The shock died quickly though as she looked them in the eyes and smirked. She left the room and Phoenix heard the distinct click of a door being locked. It was only then they noticed what had made Ollie gasp so nervously earlier. The door couldn’t be unlocked from the inside. Then the cages opened.

“There should be a vent in there, can you get to it? It might be a tight fit but it’s the only exist you’ve got.” Phoenix scanned the room while trying to dodge animal attacks and saw the vent near the ceiling. They climbed one of the cage doors and jumped to the vent, hanging off the edge of it. They tried to use their TK and lock picking tools to unscrew the grille while things tried to bite at their feet. They dropped the their tools and caught the grille before it could could hit them in the head, and dropped it below them. Luckily it didn’t seem to hit any animals. Phoenix pulled themself up and began to crawl.

It was a bit of a tight fit as Ollie had predicted but Phoenix had probably been in worse. They stopped after crawling for long enough that the animal sounds were noticeably muffled. Sadly there was also the muffled sound of the guard opening the door and telling the animals to search for them. Once there was a moment of quiet Ollie felt so much adrenaline and guilt. Worrying too much? His job was to worry! He should’ve insisted that they didn’t go in there, or pointed out the suspicious lack of lock, or something! He didn’t know what to do anymore. Well, there was one option. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is find someone more helpful than you.

“Well, I was given a way to contact your handler for emergencies, and I think this is an emergency. You’ll just have to hang tight until I get through to him.” Ollie tried to keep his upbeat tone but it was wavering. “Sorry.”

Ollie was too busy typing to see the expression of heartbreak and guilt on Phoenix’s face. Why in the world was he apologizing? He told them not to go in there and they did anyway, anything that had gone wrong in this mission was because of their own actions. Was Ollie blaming himself?

“No.” Agent Phoenix spoke. It was one small whisper but it was enough to make Ollie stop in his tracks. Phoenix was selectively mute. He knew they could speak, but if they were speaking, they had something very important to say. “Mason doesn’t know as much about INK as you or as much about animals. And he isn’t my handler right now. You are. So I need your help. Please.”

Ollie still felt his heart pounding. He was so scared to mess this up. But the agent, his agent right now, really did believe in him. They said they needed him and who was he to tell them they were wrong. “There’s no way you’ll be able to get the shackles off of all those animals, and honestly I’d like you to avoid hurting them.” He said. He looked through his maps again. “Can I see those design papers?” Phoenix struggled to take them out of their pocket in the vent but they managed it. Ollie studied them the best he could and cross referenced them with other maps and notes of the project.

“It seems like all these animals are given the same orders since they’re just test subjects, and to save money they connected them all to one control panel and one power source. If I had to guess, and it seems like I have to, I’d say the controls are in room 17. I can guide you there if you’re ready to start crawling again.” Phoenix put the notes back in their pocket and got into crawling position. Ollie told them where to turn until they got to another room: room 17. They kicked the grille off and hopped down.

The room did in fact have a large control panel. “I doubt they have a simple off button but we should be able to cut off the power. Thing is it uses kinesium, so we have to be really careful about how we turn it off. I’m sure we can figure something out though!” And they did. There were some close calls and it took a while, but with Phoenix’s puzzle solving skills and Ollie’s information on Zoraxis tech they managed to cut the right wires and press the right buttons to turn the power off. They were glad it didn’t take too long, some of the animals were getting really close to finding them. Noises of anger and hostility quickly turned to confusion and fear. Accept for the bear, which continued to sound angry as the guard screamed. Phoenix still left through the vents again. It was better to avoid wild animals when you could.

In the end they didn’t get all the information they wanted but they still got quite a bit. Phoenix’s handler was still going to be out of commission for a few days— no, that wasn’t right. Mason was going to be out of commission for a few days. The handler for the great Agent Phoenix was still going to be doing his job, because right now, their handler was Ollie. If Mason was ever out of commission it would be Ollie again.

Maybe he couldn’t exactly repay Phoenix for all they had done, or prove that their belief in his talent wasn’t misplaced, but he didn’t have to. Phoenix never questioned if their belief was misplaced and never thought Ollie had to repay them. Instead, Ollie proved to himself that their belief hadn’t been misplaced and Phoenix proved to Ollie that he was their friend. That was probably better than what he could’ve hoped for.

[set-phasers-to-whump]

i know that there will be better days

prompt: nightmares

whumpee: river cartwright

fandom: slough house

hiiii this one's set post-standing by the wall and as such has spoilers for slough house. i am very sorry to my lovely friends who have only seen the show or have not made it through all the books however this prompt simply spoke to me and i knew what i had to do. if you do read this i hope you enjoy!!!

Catherine would be lying if she said she wasn’t a bit concerned about River. 

Granted, she knows, as he’d been so keen to tell her, that he’d passed the medical. She’s heard him insist, time and time again, that he’s fine. 

But she’s also seen him falter upon standing, brace his hands against his desk, sink back into his chair. She’s seen him turn up with dark circles beneath his eyes so pronounced they’d looked as if they’d been painted on. She’s seen him hastily exit his room, slam the toilet door behind him, heard the sound of gagging. 

She hasn’t brought any of this up to River himself, of course. In the first place, she doesn’t think he would appreciate it. In the second place, she knows he’d just brush it all off with one of those catchall I’m fine’s that Catherine knows don’t fool anyone, except perhaps Roddy.

So she’s hardly planning on saying anything when she catches River sleeping at his desk. God knows he’s looked especially rough the last few days. She’s half considering locating a blanket—not that she especially trusts any soft item found in Slough House—when a soft noise from the sleeping form slouched onto the desk halts her in her tracks. 

He sounds distressed, afraid. Painful memories twist in Catherine’s chest. Part of her wants to leave, to let River have some of that sense of dignity he so desperately clings to, to not get involved. Part of her insists she stay. 

It’s this latter part of her that wins out, owing not so much to any mental calculations on her part as to another quiet and pained noise from River. 

She can hardly just let him suffer. 

Catherine approaches him cautiously, like one might approach a feral cat. She doesn’t know whether he’ll take kindly to being woken, whether she might receive a startled lashing-out. 

She steadies herself, then reaches out a hand and lightly taps River on the shoulder. 

He shoots upright, and Catherine instinctively steps back, startled. River looks around, his eyes wide. He’s panting and his whole body is shaking and, contrary to lashing out angrily, he actually looks as if he is about to cry. 

“It’s alright, River,” Catherine says, stepping in close to him again. “It was only a nightmare.”

He looks up at her for a second, then back down. The breaths he’s taking sound painful, too quick and too sharp. She wants to help. 

“I—” he starts, but that’s all he’s able to get out. He looks so afraid, so young, and Catherine thinks of herself, of the hellish visions of Charles that had tormented her for years, and she makes up her mind. 

She bends over a bit—it’s not the best angle, to be sure, and her back protests, but no matter—and carefully, hesitantly, wraps her arms around him, the way she’d wanted to before, but hadn’t quite had the guts to go through with. 

He stiffens up for a second, and Catherine worries that she’s made a terrible mistake. 

But then he softens again, and she can feel the way he’s still trembling, the way his breathing is still erratic and harsh. The residual fear and grief are palpable in the air. 

She doesn’t realize that he’s crying, at first, with how much he’s shaking. But after a few seconds, she notices that the shoulder of her dress is damp, and if she really focuses, she can hear River sniffling very quietly. He’s good, evidently, at being silent. 

Catherine has never seen him cry before. Of course, she’s never seen him have a nightmare before, either, so there’s multiple new experiences happening for her today. But she knows him. The way he always insists that he’s fine, even when he’s not. The way he’d rather ignore his own suffering than confront it head-on. 

He’s been through hell, recently. Not that any of the slow horses have had a particularly easy go of it, but Novichok—it’s the stuff of horror stories, not the fate of disgraced MI5 agents. 

All this to say, she puts a lot of value onto this moment, right here. River crying into her shoulder in his office in the middle of a Thursday afternoon. She’s aware of the kind of suffering it’s taken to get him to this breaking point. She hates it, but she’ll be damned if she won’t do what she can to help. 

And so she holds on. Her legs start to cramp, a bit, but she pays them no mind. It’s River. 

He lets go after quite some time. Catherine stands back up, does not wince at the twinging in her legs and back, and smooths out her dress. 

“Sorry,” River says. His voice is scratchy, but he’s no longer shaking and his breathing has mostly returned to normal. There are tear tracks running down his cheeks and his eyes are rimmed with red. “Sorry, I didn’t—I’ll just—”

“River,” Catherine interrupts, and he stops, looks up at her, rubs a hand beneath his eyes. 

“It’s alright,” she continues. “You’re allowed to not be fine, you know.”

He kind of looks like he’s about to start crying again. Catherine isn’t sure whether either of them are really equipped for this. “I am fine, I’m—I have to be fine.”

Catherine shakes her head. “You were dosed with an incredibly toxic nerve agent, not to mention everything else you’ve gone through these past few years. I’d be surprised if you were somehow truly fine.”

River gives her a little sort of half-smile that is almost more painful for her than the crying. “Okay,” he says, and he sounds like he’s admitting to something terrible. “Okay, yeah, I’m—maybe I’m not…entirely fine.”

He slumps deeper into his chair, scrubs at his eyes again. Catherine recalls her very first AA meeting—“I’m Catherine and I’m an alcoholic”—how afraid she’d been to admit to anyone else that she had a problem, that she wasn’t able to handle it on her own. River’s situation is, of course, drastically different, but there’s an element there that Catherine recognizes all the same. 

She wishes that there was something she could say to make this easier. But she knows that the only way to heal is time, that the only way out, as cliché as it may sound, is through. 

“I know you’re not,” is what she settles on saying, at last. “But you will be.”

River looks up at her again and there’s a faint glimmer of his usual self poking through everything else. It makes her feel vaguely hopeful, and she puts a hand onto his shoulder, glad of the contact now she’s broken the seal. 

“I think I’ll make some tea,” she says, a thinly veiled offer, an opened door. 

“Yeah, alright,” River replies, and it feels like a small, but important, step has been taken.

thanks so much for reading! i am planning to do a deeper dive into river post-novichok at some point but who knows when that will be. in any case i enjoyed doing a little exploration of that here, hope you liked!