#comedy april

[bebx]

me coming to your blog to give you a boop. (you cannot hide from me)

me when you boop me:

[sigeel]

Its getting close to April 1st so I reformatted this little gem for Blood Stain hardcover XD

[gothamite-rambler]

Tim for the love of God, kick them in the balls and run!

Kidnapper (going by K)(on the phone): I have one of your kids.

Bruce: Nope.

Bruce ended the call with a quickness.

K looked at the phone startled and offended. He placed a hand on his chest upset.

Kidnapper 2 (going by K2): What happened did the call drop?

K: HE HUNG UP ON ME!

K2: Shoot, call him back. He might've doubted you.

K: Oh I freaking am.

K dialed Bruce's number again, tapping his foot and waited for Bruce to pick up again.

K:I HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR CHILD THIS ISN'T A JOKE!

Bruce (doubtful): My son is next to me.

K (loud): I kidnapped one of them! You have more than one!

Bruce: Which one? Because if Jason is next to me, it's not him. Damian is upstairs, Tim is... somewhere and Dick is in the kitchen... who did you take?

K:The loud, annoying, rowdy one who never shuts up!

Bruce: Damian! Oh my God!

Tim (distantly): For fuck sake it's TIM!

K2: He said his name is Tim.

K:Tim.

Bruce:Tim, I thought he went to the store. Oh God, again? Can you tell him he can fight back a little when a kidnapping happens?

K and K2 glanced at Tim, who had just realized the call was coming through the speaker. Bound to a chair, Tim trembled with fury.

Tim: I- Just send someone!

K: He said send someone, bring 5000 dollars.

Bruce (sardoically): I will definitely have the money sent over from a special friend of mine, don't you worry. Tell Tim to... do what he usually does when he gets kidnapped.

K: Kay, kay, let me give you the spot to drop the money off at and we'll be waiting in an unmarked van with Tim.

Bruce: Hold on let me grab a pen.

Meanwhile in the living room, Bruce punched Jason on the arm and motioned for him to write down the directions down. Jason groaned and pulled out his phone. After getting the instructions, Bruce ended the call after confirming the details and handed Jason his car keys.

Bruce: Can you go pick him up. I'm too tired.

Jason: On it.

Jason laughed while leaving. Bruce returned to watching Dateline, but wondering if this is the same three kidnappers that Tim kidnapped in the past and if one of them was sick today.

[project-sekai-facts]

(TL by snarf on YT)

In his own words, Tsukasa is going to hell. In chapter 7 of Catch the Criminal!? The Tales of Detective Tenma, he tells the thief "You're coming to hell with me" when he catches him.

[iamtryingtobelieve]

"Desire huh? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with fucking long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sitting at home jerking off to fucking gay porn" Haggard (2003) Dir: Bam Margera

[alwaysbewoke]

[vixstarria]

'Erotic misadventures'

Hello, I wrote this for an April Fools challenge, and now it is your problem.

Challenge terms: The challenge is simple - write something spicy that uses the worst possible terms for body parts, sex acts, and so on!

AO3 link

So I've always had this headcanon that Tav and Astarion perform readings of really bad erotica for the group at camp. This is a depiction of one such evening.

All origin characters.

18+, humor, banter. Is this actually smut? I don't know. I hope not.

Content warnings: ...Yes.

Approx. 1,800 words

It was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best piece of fiction they’d ever come across.

Meticulously handwritten in a tidy script, the text filled a sizeable journal. “Her Highness’s Erotic Misadventures” read the title. “Thank you for beta reading, Harpy Quinn”, it said at the bottom of the title page, whatever that meant. 

Despite both of them having a professional interest in lewd literature, neither Astarion nor Tav had ever come across this piece before - they doubted it had ever been published. They doubted it could ever be published, for that matter. However, it must have gone through many hands privately - on flipping through the journal it was discovered that the end contained a multitude of little gushing reviews in other people’s writing.

The author must have been one strange individual, with even weirder friends. How embarrassing.

The gang had called it a day and were gathered around the campfire. Astarion and Tav had been taking turns reading from the manuscript, to their companions’ amusement (and, in Gale’s case, vexation).

Despite being seasoned experts in the genre, Wyll and Shadowheart were visibly perturbed (albeit also intrigued) by the piece. Karlach hung on to every word, and even Lae’zel had stopped tending to her weapons to listen to the strange tale spun by the anonymous author. Volo, whose unwarranted presence continued to be tolerated, although no one could quite pinpoint why, was silent, furiously scribbling notes in his own journal. And as for Gale, well…

“This is deplorable,” said Gale, weary disappointment and disdain in his voice. “The only reason I am still here is because none of you can be trusted with the pot.”

 Astarion ignored him and continued to pace around the fire, reading aloud from the journal.

As the title suggested, the story depicted a series of obscene misfortunes which had befallen a hapless princess and her loyal knight. After several chapters of delving into the princess’s tragic and salacious backstory in (frankly bewildering) detail, the narrative had at last moved forward to a scene in which the princess’s knight came to her rescue after she had been kidnapped and taken away to a cave by a dragon. The knight faced the said dragon (who had then taken a dragonborn form for some reason) and its two harpy henchwomen.

“‘Its weak spot is its bussy’, the princess cried out from the cave,” read Astarion. “What in the hells is a ‘bussy’..?” he asked, lifting his head to seek counsel from his companions. 

Everyone around the fire just shook their heads, equally perplexed. 

“Hmm… Well, it seems our hero doesn’t know that word either...” Astarion continued reading.

“‘Puzzled, the paladin took a shot in the dark, cramming her manhood-’ Wait, what? I could have sworn...” Astarion shuffled through the pages. “…Oh she’s got both sets. How convenient… Anyway. …‘Cramming her manhood into the dragonborn’s meatgrinder’.” Astarion frowned again, sitting down next to Karlach.  

“Is the ‘meatgrinder’ the dragonborn’s mouth, or..?” asked Shadowheart.  

“I… think so? There’s not many contextual clues here, it just says that the ‘meatgrinder swirled around her pork sword, stunning her and nearly making her forsake her oath of propriety’.” 

“Well keep going, we’ll figure it out,” Karlach said, impatiently.

“The two harpies swarmed the stunned paladin. A hand deftly shed the paladin’s breastplate, exposing her pearls, whilst another grabbed her by the neck, clawed fingers shredding the remnants of her clothing, as two hands groped and teased her milkbags. She felt a hand creep up the back of her thigh while another hand pulled on her hair, as another crept to her moistening oyster-” Astarion stopped, with an exasperated sigh. “How many hands do these bloody things have?! I’m losing focus.” 

“And the mention of pearls…” Wyll said, thoughtfully. “It’s peculiar, you would think a pearl would be inside the… never mind”.  

 “Shadowheart, could you and Tav assist us with a visual, perchance,” asked Astarion. “I can’t be the only one who can’t keep track.”

“Perhaps I could also be of assis-” started Wyll.  

“Perhaps you could sit right back down,” Astarion warned with a glower. “I'll step in if needed. Where was I..? Ah yes, the err… the milkbags. So there’s definitely two hands there.”  

Both Tav and Shadowheart giggled as Shadowheart stood to join Tav by the fire and reached around Tav to lightly place her hands over the other woman’s breasts.

“Nice,” said Karlach. 

“The harpy pinched her pearls, and pulled her into a deep, ravishing kiss,” Astarion read, looking up expectantly at Tav and Shadowheart.

“Uh… That is not in the book, soldier,” said Karlach, reading over Astarion’s shoulder.  

“Spoilsport,” muttered Astarion. “I was just trying to set the mood before moving forward - the author’s pace is almost too relentless even for me. But fine.” 

Astarion cleared his throat and continued. 

“Then one of the harpies used her hands to pry open the paladin’s clam.” He looked up again. “Well come on, Shadowheart, pry open Tav’s clam.” 

Shadowheart simply laughed and returned to her spot across the fire. 

“If you’re not sure how - we could show you later tonight, if you like,” Astarion called out after her. 

“I’m sure I could give you some pointers on dealing with clams, Astarion,” retorted Shadowheart. 

“Is that so..?” he purred. “Interesting… What about you, Karlach, are you adept with clams?” 

“You know I haven’t had any clams in a decade, fangs!” Karlach groaned. “But before that… They used to just fling themselves at me, already opened, yeah.” 

“Fascinating. Lae’zel?” 

“There are a number of women who have survived bedding me,” the githyanki responded, deadpan. 

“I am… in equal parts concerned and aroused at the thought,” Astarion mulled over her words. 

“I wish anyone could survive bedding me,” grumbled Karlach. 

“There there, darling…” Astarion reached out to carefully pat her on a horn. “Now we all know Gale doesn’t know the first thing about clams…” 

“I’ll have you know, in my ethereal relations with my goddess, our connection was so profound that not only have I experienced her ‘clam’, I have interconnected with it on such a sublime and intimate level, been woven so deeply into it to myself have become part of the clam.” 

Gale’s outburst failed to have the effect he had desired, as the group struggled to contain themselves, wheezing and huffing for air. 

“Thank you, Gale, I don’t believe I’ll be able to get that image out of my mind anytime soon,” Astarion continued, trying to maintain his composure. “Wyll..? How fare you with prying clams open?” 

“Well…” The warlock began, with a smile. “I find, that the best way to go about it is to allow the clam to open of its own accord, from heat. From it getting sufficiently… steamy, if I may. I would never simply invade one with my blade.” 

Astarion was about to say something but just chortled instead. 

“Wyll, you rapscallion, every time I think I have you figured out-” 

“What happens next with the harpies?” Came an impatient call from Lae’zel. 

“Yes, give me that, you’re taking too long,” said Tav, snatching the journal back from Astarion. She continued to pace around the fire as she recited: 

“The dragonborn stood before the browbeaten paladin, reveling in her anguish. Even had the harpies not had a firm grasp on the paladin and her unmentionables, she would not have known how to approach the dragonborn – the loathsome creature was covered in impenetrable scales. Its mouth sported rows upon rows of sharp teeth – the only reason it allowed the paladin’s mutton machete out unscathed must have been because it had worse yet torments in mind for it.

The creature turned its back on the paladin, to roar tauntingly at the princess somewhere in the cave. 

‘Behold, as I turn your valiant saviour into naught but a pathetic cumdumpster!’

As it turned its back, the paladin glimpsed a narrow, pink orifice beneath its tail.” 

Karlach and Wyll gasped in unison.  

“The bussy!” Lae’zel hissed in a hushed whisper. 

“The paladin drew on the last of her divine power to throw the harpies off, smiting them unconscious, and plunged her hand into the dragonborn’s puckered hole.” 

“I am going to be sick,” moaned Gale. 

“The dragonborn cackled and flexed their beef ring, tightening its grasp on the paladin’s hand. The paladin reeled in horror, as the dragonborn’s poop chute seemed to suck the paladin’s hand further in, like fleshy quicksand, whilst threatening to snap her wrist.”

A tear of anguish slid down Gale’s cheek.

“It cannot be! Was the bussy a trap?!” came an outcry from Lae’zel.

“No! It could not end this way. Her entire life and all her training had been preparing her for this,” Tav read. “What in the hells, really?” she muttered, before continuing. “In that moment, she knew that the only way out - was through. The paladin took a deep breath and PLUNGED her arm deeper into the dragonborn’s vile cavity,” Tav exclaimed, throwing her own fist in the the air, to the sound of Astarion’s uncontrollable giggling and everyone else’s gasps.

“The dragonborn yelped and tried to expel the paladin’s arm from their pulsating dirtbox, to no avail. The paladin was now elbow deep in the mud dungeon. The two continued to wrestle, the paladin’s arm pumping deeper and deeper into the dragonborn’s dank portal.”

“I fear I may need to tap out soon,” warned Wyll.

“Weakling!” Lae’zel and Shadowheart said in unison, before glaring at one another.

No one, including Karlach herself, could tell whether she was laughing or crying.

“At last, the dragonborn seemed to accept its fate, quivering and taking the paladin’s arm nearly shoulder-deep. The creature grunted and groaned, before stilling, only to unleash an earth-shaking roar, finally forcefully expunging the paladin’s arm in a spray of gooey, milky spunk, as it collapsed on the ground, convulsing, clearly too incapacitated to be of any further threat.”

“Supper is ready,” wept Gale. 

“Shall I take over while you eat?” Astarion asked, to Gale’s immediate renewed protestation.

“That’s alright, I think we should take some mercy on Gale and pause here for the day,” said Tav. “Although let me peek ahead, perhaps it’s tame enough.” She took the journal and flipped forward a few pages. “Oh my…” came a surprised murmur from Tav. “You’ll never guess what happens to the princess and her knight… This may be a problem if we want to continue to visualise this masterpiece properly.” 

“Oh? Dare I ask..?” Astarion was giddy with anticipation. 

“Well… There are now… Five… Six… No, seven! Seven dwarves, who have appeared in the cave.” 

“Goodness gracious,” lamented Astarion. “We will never keep track of all the body parts… Perhaps if Withers steps in to help..? Would you prefer to be the princess or the knight, darling? You can choose, I’ll take the other role.” 

“I am going to use that journal for kindling tomorrow,” said Gale. 

“NO!” came a collective shout from the rest of the group. 

~~~~~

Sorry about the psychic damage, come check out my other work if you dare.

~~~~~

Tagging the usual plus some people who I think might also be doing / were interested in this:

@littleenglishfangirl @something-pithy @darlingxdragon @tallymonster @tragedybunny @spunky-89 @acourtofpenandpaper @yoonshope @lariatbunny @whiskeyskin @spacebarbarianweird @brabblesblog @littlejuicebox @icybluepenguin @snowfolly @pursuitseternal @comatosebunny09 @kittenintheden @bardic-inspo @tavyliasin

[shadowpuppetteer]

Got curious about this particular crossover. Also would consider this a sequel to this fancomic Shadowpuppetteer — Bonus Playtime: Just a silly dumb head cannon I... (tumblr.com) I guess I gotta learn how to play the harmonica while I'm in fandom jail. Gonna play the Crossover Heathen Blues!

[knifebaby3000]

mattodore for @mattodore ❣️

[personinthepalace]

tumblr today:

[tavyliasin]

Open FanFic Event! April Foolishness - LINK UPDATED

Welcome to a brand new open Baldur's Gate 3 challenge for writers who are over 18! The link has been updated and should now work, sorry!

The challenge is simple - write something spicy that uses the worst possible terms for body parts, sex acts, and so on!

This could be short scenarios, dialogue only pieces, short fics, long fics - whatever strikes your fancy! You are welcome to submit as many pieces as you'd like and to have fun with it.

Your works can be purely comedy based, or they could try to make something genuinely spicy and erotic but still using terrible terms at least once.

Have fun with it! If anyone would like to help me concoct a list or random generator of terrible smut words, please do get in touch by email, Twitter, Tumblr, or Discord~

ALL WORKS SUBMITTED WILL BE HIDDEN UNTIL 1st APRIL!

Please make sure everything is tagged appropriately with any CWs~ More Details Follow!

Examples of Awkward Words And Phrases for Smut

You might want to use modern euphemisms and slang, or you could find it more fun to dig back into historical terms. This article, for example, has a lot of modern slang for "penis" which would be wonderfully dreadful in any smut-writing: Thought Catalogue - Words for Penis This one, whilst I'm not fond of the gendered headings for genitalia types, has some interesting mixes of historical terms: Slate - Historical Terms for Genitalia Unfortunately, the linked source of the terms and timeline of them in this article is no longer available

If you have any lists and examples to help, please send them to me! Even better, if you'd like to help by making a randomiser that people could use to give them terms and phrases from a list we input that would be incredible~ Please get in touch!

More Details

Honestly as I type this I'm a little tired so I'll come back and add to the post at a later date if needed, and add in Q&As if anyone has anything to ask about the event!

Deadline - 1st April 2024, to release everything on April Fool's Day

Suggested tag #BG3AprilFoolishness

(If anyone else is using that, my apologies, I'll edit something else)

[bebx]

pov: you just open tumblr app

[reniadeb]

🌿@reniadeb🌿

[pizzazzgf]

I don’t really fuck with the whole “these 2 actors were lovers in one show so we should crackship all their other characters together” because I think after the first time you’re just making excuses for rpf. But I do actually fw jenapril. I think thats fucking hilarious. Like there is actual solid potential for their dynamic there and I need a really, really Funny bitch to get on that.

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

[ilaughalot2]

The Best April Fools Joke