#comedic queen

[theinnermostsanctum]

Trubel: “So, are all other Grimms so normal?”

Nick: “You should meet my mother. She’s been called a lot of things, but normal’s not one of them.”

[kushanna]

bwaan bwaan kashing kashing

[dapper-lil-arts]

What if Celestia had Whatsapp 🤣🤣🤣

[thelilylav]

No I’m fine I’m just thinking about how Maddie had to watch Raven, her best friend, get treated like shit for years on end, risk possibly dying to escape a destiny that would have been just as bad, get ridiculed and blamed for everything that goes wrong in the coming months all because she wanted to be nice, only to see her do the one thing she said she never would and have all her worst fears realized as she was turned evil anyway. And then the woman who cut her off from her homeland/her best friend’s mom get released from jail and terrorize the entire school like a week later.

[hoahoahoahoahoa]

Bella was SO funny for this

[the-inner-musings-of-a-worm]

be honest who out of kevin, neil and andrew would guest star on SNL and how well would they do?

[theriverdraws]

HI TENNA

[acourtoffeyandfables]

[windwenn]

'"I am not afraid of you," said he, smilingly'

[reyrapidsbutgayer]

Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 4 of 4 THE TOP 10 MOST FUCKABLE

Why are we here just to suffer? Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc

[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]

Time for the top 10 finalists, place your last bets now. I think it's obvious what my preferences are.

#10: Millicent

Pros: Badass Valkyrie warrior woman. Cons: Is rotting a little, but not a deal breaker

Reasoning: What is there to say? She's cool, she's tough, she's honorable, she has the pride to hold onto herself even in death. She fights by our side, she sees us an equal. She has just a hint of crazy in her, but not enough to end up killing me. She's like a travel sized Melania but less likely to stab me with anything I don't consent to being stabbed with. Peak lesbian warrior woman, I am down on my knees for her. For sexual purposes? To propose? Why not both?

#9: Iron Fist Alexander

Pros: Perfection personified. Cons: Technically not fuckable.

Reasoning: I don't think Alexander is capable of sex. When it comes to livign Jar biology, the clay seems to be their actual body. The innards are kinda incidental. They can seemingly removed and add them as they see fit, and can exist just fine without them.

Alexander wouldn't want to engage in sex even if offered. He'd probably laugh and say something like "Ah ha! I've heard of this sort of thing between you and your compatriots. A melding of flesh and emotion as it were? Ha ha! Not unlike our innards I bet! I wouldn't bother with such behavior, it's unbecoming of a warrior such as I. Besides, that kind of melding seems to be far less permanent than ours."

However, I am certain that he would let me fuck someone else inside him. He wouldn't even bat an eye, he'd just enjoy the experience of two warriors bonding inside him. "Quite a display of trust to include me in such an intimate little tarry! Hah ha! How wondrous!"

#8: Lunar Princess Ranni

Pros: Mean Sexy Evil Witch Lady Who Kills God Cons: "Are we the baddies?"

Reasoning: I didn't want Ranni to end up this high on the list. She technically can't have sex since she is a doll puppet, and doesn't seem particularly interested anyway.

But I mean... she's the daughter of Radagon and Rennala, two of the horniest most bisexual characters in the entire FromSoft catalogue. (only surpassed by Marika, who is also Radagon.)

If she was in her original red-haired 8 foot tall body, she would literally clench and rip your dick off in a millisecond. She'd bend you over and fuck you so hard your spine would be curled into a pretzel.

No matter how fuckable she was in the past, we have to come to terms with the fact that she is pretty evil. She gets a lot of innocent people killed in her "ends justify the means" methodology. (Her means are pretty good, I mean, killing the Greater Will benefits literally everybody.) But we can't overlook just how many innocents she tramples underfoot. She allies with Rykrad, abuses Albinaurics, and creates the Deathblight plague in her attempt to escape her fate.

It's gonna happen, she's gonna rearrange your guts like an origami calendar no matter what you do. So you might as well steer into the skid.

#7: Fia, The Deathbed Companion

Pros: Enjoys some good warm, lifely vigour Cons: Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton

Reasoning: Fia is rather complex. She supports the downtrodden, cares for those who need her, and seeks to reshape the word into a kinder place...

But she is also full of bugs. And skeletons. And the lifely vigour of many champions. And you are next.

She is a huge creep, but she fucks so good she brings back the dead. You are legally obligated to obey her and partake in the sweet nectar of the Baldachin Blessing at least once before you become a skeleton, even if it results in you becoming a skeleton way faster than anticipated.

#6: Latenna the Albinauric

Pros: Loyal Companion, Loves Dogs Cons: None, don't you dare say otherwise.

Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Latenna won out against a LOT of other NPCs. She's just a good person with genuinely no faults. Is that boring? Or marriage material? I know my answer. She hates Gideon, she loves dogs, she wants to put a birthing droplet (cum) in Phillia. We have so much in common it's crazy.

#5: Rennala, Queen of the Fullmoon

art credit: @chaospyromancy https://www.tumblr.com/chaospyromancy/679194108441608192/rennala-took-the-dog-in-the-divorce?source=share

Pros: Giant depressed bisexual witch lady Cons: Extremely Divorced

Reasoning: Rennala is the poster child for sexual prowess in the Land's Between. Literally the only feasible way for Radagon to trade up was to marry himself. She can rip a hole in a man's bussy from 50 meters away, and that's WHILE she is depressed.

In her prime, there wouldn't even be a list, because she would have fucked everyone else to death already.

#4: Sorceress Sellen

Pros: Mean, Heretic, Creepy, Crazy Cons: Mean, Heretic, Creepy, Crazy

Reasoning: I really didn't expect her to get this high in the rankings. Sellen is mean, she has committed war crimes, she probably holds the same racist beliefs towards albinaurics and misbegotten that the rest of the Carians do, and she made me kill an old man in silly pants.

But I can't say no to her. Could you? My fist has been inside her soul, that's a bond you can't break even after being smashed into a giant ball of screaming mages.

She is the toxic ex who keeps hitting you up whenever your life is finally back on track, only to ruin it the moment she leaves your bedroom. And you'd do it again happily, no matter how many times it happens.

#3: Patches

Pros: He's Patches Cons: He's Patches

Reasoning: There was originally a different NPC for #3, but Patches stole the position, sorry about that.

Even still, you are already fucking Elden Ring characters. You aren't a real fan if you don't make an exception for him. He's slightly below average in terms of sexual prowess, but I mean... You have to try it out at least once.

#2: Nepheli Loux

Pros: Everything Cons: Nothing

Reasoning: Nepheli is the most morally upstanding character in Elden Ring. She fights for the little guy, she questions her own morals, she tells Gideon to go blow himself, she apologizes to her enemies, she upholds the values and traditions of a vanished civilization.

Plus she is fucking ripped, and is as close to banging Hoarah Loux you can get while managing to survive afterwards. There are more compelling characters, more dangerous characters with more dynamic sexual aspects, but Nepheli has literally no drawbacks as a partner. She's more of a hero than the player is, and that's honestly a sexier quality than most people give it credit for.

Is she is a little bit sad? You fool, you absolute fool. Give her a bird and she will come back as a fucking Queen of an entire kingdom.

She's the #1 sexiest Elden Ring Character for a reason. If given the choice between every other NPC, she is the obvious choice and always-

what do you mean I miscounted? She isn't #1? Well the. who the hell is?

#1: Miriel, Pastor of Vows

Pros: Turtle Pope Cons: Not even gonna consider any.

Reasoning: Not even in a sexual way. He's ascended beyond the need for sex.

But he is our pastor, and all of the NPCs I marry on this list will be officiated by this Turtle. And the consummation of all those marriages will also occur directly in front of him at his request. "All things yearn to be conjoined" indeed.

Rapid-fire list of all the NPC's I'd actually want to marry:

Nepheli Loux

Latenna

Millicent

Yura

Boggart

Melina

Diallos

Blaidd

Roderika

(all of the Valkyrie sisters)

Rogier

Rya

Kalé

Hewg

Boc

Thops

I've noticed that this list was definitely influenced more by "are they a good enough person to justify sex" rather than strictly just "are they hot?" I guess it's because I genuinely don't find jerks attractive. That might be a healthy mentality, but then again I also made these posts, so stable mental health isn't really something I can claim with much confidence right now.

And it is finished... I can't believe I wrote all of this (i mean I can, i just don't like it.)

If this gets enough likes and reblogs I'll... I don't know, rank all the spirit summons by how long they would survive squid game, or be able to catch Kira, or which degree they would get if they went community college. I'll figure it out when I figure it out.

<- Part 1 <- Part 2 <- Part 3

[kevlarcrack3d]

Oho what's this? I'm making Skullgirls headcanons?

I ain't kidding. Yes, I am. I actually have super mixed feelings about the many open-ended threads of lore in the game. I kinda like it because it allows me to make headcanons like this (ignore the Medici fuckup), but at the same time, I don't really think it had a good impact on the story. Lots of interesting stuff could be put there.

Without further ado, LET'S GO!

BEWARE OF LEWD: MILD/COMEDIC NSFW FOR THE LAST ONE!

Samson helps Filia pickpocket and steal credit cards. Samson also helps her gamble at the casino because Samson had gambler hosts. They do this sparingly, and they're pretty average. They prefer the lotto tickets.

Skullgirls world technology level is close to that of our current time in the 21st century. However, the uses and people's mannerisms are more of the 40's with many tweaks for the rule of cool.

Speaking of tech, Brain Drain is an AI bro, the sort who screams, "AI ART IS REAL ART AAAAA," and gets into fights over it. Valentine is neutral on AI. Dr. Avian is also pro-AI, but is ethical and knows the limits and challenges. Brain Drain types out whole text messages about AI and instigates LEGENDARY arguments among the labs.

Irvin fights in an ambidextrous manner like Revy from Black Lagoon (can't help it - his two guns remind me of her). Many chicks dig him because TALL, DARK, AND MYSTERIOUS IS VERY HOT 🥵😭🍑💖🔥🔥🔥.

After Umbrella's story mode, Parasoul heard of Filia and Carol's plight and arranged them to have certain support and properties under the proper officials. Filia and Carol now live together and will be having scholarships for college.

Aside from working for the Anti-Skullgirl labs, the previous squads of the Last Hope participated in King Franz's war campaigns. In this headcanon, the SG world has a rule like ours that states combat medics shouldn't be shot at. King Franz took advantage of this and used these squads for biological warfare and effective surprise attacks.

Double also supported herself in the human world as an actress. She was always bitchy and mean to Annie, Selene, Eliza, and literally every celebrity that breathed in her face in that disguise. She was the number 1 drama instigator in their media. Every damn time, there would be something wild popping out about her.

Albus (the bodyguard of Eliza that looks like Anubis) is not a jackal but a black dog feral. This is based on how Anubis may not really be a jackal but a Pharaoh hound (I love long-faced dogs they're sooooo cute 🥺).

The first head of the Medici family had Leviathan as his host. He enjoyed art and music and gave Leviathan as a gift to the Contiellos. He once had the life gem, so when he took Leviathan from his body, he didn't die. (My most preferred one. The other have this head be Lorenzo's parent or boss). This head was more pragmatic than Lorenzo, though, and preferred to be stealthy and smart. He was also more of a fighter, too. Lorenzo is the more hedonistic, narcissistic, flamboyant one who likes being on the front pages of magazines like Bugsy Siegel and buying expensive stuff.

Since Leviathan stated that he and Samson were present before the Skull Heart, then I'll make this headcanon - parasites have been around since the prehistoric ages. Once humans, ferals, gigans, elves, dagonians, etc. grew more complex and the parasites began spending more time with them, that was when they learned to talk in their languages and articulate their ideas as such. Parasites always had complex minds and were able to form long-term memories, they just didn't know how to articulate them until they crossed paths with civilization.

Ferals procreate like the Mink Tribe in One Piece. When the parents are two different species, the kid may come out as another species that isn't their parents'. Same with Dagonians. (One thing I noticed is that these two races in Skullgirls remind me of the Minks and Fishmen in One Piece).

Cerebella didn't attend school. She was homeschooled and trained by the mafia since day 1.

Not my headcanon, but I support it. Beowulf is actually very smart. Has actually taken PhDs and loves to read. Aside from having side roles as the big bad wolf in Annie's show, he is a librarian. He also used these smarts in the ring, where he'd calculate his strikes.

When simply patrolling, The Last Hope also gives medical treatments for free.

Peacock also watches cartoons in the Skullgirls equivalent of Adult Swim. She does prefer the sillier, kiddy ones, though.

Parasoul likes Annie of the Stars because that was her comfort media. Ever since her father started his wars, ever since she was training to be a worthy queen, especially after her mother died, Parasoul deep down looked up to Annie's lessons of standing up for good, never giving up, and protecting the innocent. Though being a real-life head-of-state has more complexities, deep down, Parasoul would always love Annie, her inspiration.

The one with the real political power in Canopy Kingdom is actually a prime minister. However, the Renoir family will always find a way to have the final say if the situation calls for it.

New Meridian is actually like what Hong Kong is to China. It's considered separate, but the Canopy Kingdom has a degree of dominance over it.

The reason why Queen Nancy was a very powerful Skullgirl was, aside from the wish she made to stop the wars and the fact that she was in a warzone most likely filled with dead warriors, especially powerful ones, the umbrella Todd had something to do with it.

Big Band once played gigs at nightclubs to support himself in police academy. He had to be very careful because many of those nightclubs were run by the mafia, and it's not just the Medici Mafia.

When not angry, Carol/Painwheel likes to fly around with the Buer Drive. No thoughts, head empty, just fly around wheeeee ✈️.

If told to draw, Robo Fortune cannot draw hands (a jab at some AI art engines drawing hands so badly). She can't even trace a hand on a paper for whatever reason, and it's driving Brain Drain mad.

The second person in Fukua is actually Shamone on her head. Regarding the two people used to create her, the warrior good at close combat was actually Delilah - Brain Drain actually found an artifact confirmed to be Delilah's and it was fortunate that it had her DNA stuck on it. The assassin who specialized in ranged combat was one of Black Dahlia's best bunny girl assassins.

Taliesin can master any stringed instrument in a short period of time ( the longest is like 2 weeks) except for piano.

There is a pro-Medici Mafia series super beloved in New Meridian, which I could see as their equivalent of "the Sopranos." It's called "My Outlaw Darling." It's a live action just in case some of you think it's animation like My Little Pony or My Dress-up Darling because of the title reference. Bad - or maybe good hehehehe 😊 - news: it's very smutty, risqué, sexy, and 🍑 PASSIONATE ✨️. Embarrassingly, Lorenzo was walked in on many times doing "self-love" to the dirty scenes, particularly the ones between men for whatever reason. IDK, he's bored. This series gets on the Renoir's nerves. Since King Franz isn't really doing much in public, if he uses his TV as background noise, once he hears the "My Outlaw Darling" opening song, he has to stop himself from smashing the TV if he's doing something that requires him to keep sitting down. Peacock also hates it and actually gets up to fire lasers at the TV once she hears the theme! She and her gang have a joke about the airing time of the series where they call it "the witching hour."

Regarding the sexual nature of "My Outlaw Darling," I don't know why it isn't called "OutLewd" 🤔.

[deeplyridiculouslyinlove]

Things Rand learns about Moiraine in the course of five minutes in 02 x 05:

She is from Cairhien.

Her family is RICH. Like marry the Queen rich.

She has a sister and a nephew.

That weird lady who told him the Hunt for the Horn isn’t real and how the rich people in Cairhien disdain the people in the Foregate is her sister.

(Maybe that she’s a Damodred, but I don’t think of Rand as a real history buff so idk if that will mean anything to him.)

She hasn’t seen her family in 20 years.

They don’t know Lan.

Things Rand knew about Moiraine before 02 x 05:

She once had trouble channeling when she was learning to be an Aes Sedai.

(Maybe that she is a lady from a fallen house - depends if he believed/remembered that comment she made to the whitecloaks.)

[a-lilacsong]

This comic is brought to you by: me rereading the Brothers Grimm and remembering how horrifying “The Juniper Tree” is. (Also “Hansel and Gretel” is pretty messed up too, but still).

Comic script: Amber (to Miranda): So you're definitely not going to be an evil stepmother like the ones in fairytales? Miranda: Yes, I'll be good. James: So, if we ran out of food, you wouldn't convince our dad to abandon us in the woods with no way home? M: No, I would not. And if we were low on food, you could have mine. A: Speaking of food, you would never cook us in a stew and feed it to our loved ones, right? M: No! Absolutely not! What kind of fairytales have you been reading?! J: The Grimm ones. A: Final question worst possible scenario, would you ever dress us in servant clothes and force us to do chores? M: No, and are you sure that's the worst scenario of the three? A: Absolutely. Without a doubt.

(Original pencil sketch version of the comic under the cut)

[neo--queen--serenity]

Imagine Fukuchi, in the early Decay of Angels days, explaining to Bram who’s gonna be on their deadly 5-man team, and saying Fyodor’s name—maybe even showing him a picture. There’s no way—no way—Bram didn’t react (at least inwardly) with “ughhh not this bitch again.”

[dizzybevvie]

RIP Bubba Sawyer you wouldve loved estrogen

[bloomfish]

the comments on literally everything about this series of taskmaster are actually appalling. i'm not a particular fan of rosie jones myself, not that i dislike her at all i just don't know her stuff that well. but I thought she was really good on this first episode! the "i think i got a bit of umbilical cord" had me in tears. And in general like... you don't have to find her funny but there have been plenty of contestants on taskmaster who aren't that funny either and it's really telling that this is the person everyone thinks is going to "ruin taskmaster." be so fr. alex and greg are good at their jobs and they bring out the humour in all contestants.

"the other contestants must be so mad that nobody's going to watch this series" lmao you're an irrelevant little nobody who likes to whinge on the internet and rosie jones is a professional comedian, i guarantee the others would rather hang out with her than with you. the series seems great so far sorry