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aihoshiino · 1 year ago

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chapter 134 thoughts!

My immediate first thought going into this chapter and seeing how it picks up from last week's cliffhanger is that while I thought last week that this conflict served as an excellent character beat for both Ruby and Kana, I feel less positively about it as the catalyst for long term RubyKana conflict. Maybe that's hypocritical because I like the similar AquKana conflict back during the LoveNow aftermath and this is basically just a roided up version of that but… IDK, I guess it helped that the AquKana conflict is very clearly a romcom style miscommunication and it ends up leading to one of my all time favourite and funniest character moments for Aqua, this… isn't that. In general I really hate the old tried conflict trope of "Character A betrays or is otherwise cruel to Character B For Their Own Good and refuses to communicate about it" so this was kind of irritating to see…

It also really doesn't help that Kana is going SO above and beyond in being cruel to Ruby here in comparison to the AquKana conflict where her short-sighted lashing out was being mostly played for laughs but still came back to bite her. There's just something a bit excessive in how deliberately and pointedly cold and mean to Ruby Kana is shown being here and I guess it just feels a bit icky to me though I obviously can't make a proper call on all this til we see its conclusion.

I also have to question like… why is everyone around them just letting this happen lol. Memcho not intervening I can at least make sense of because she's been shown to be feeling off her game and a bit out of her element so I could see all that combining to make her uncertain of what to do but… uh, is Miyako not paying any attention? Admittedly the timeframe here is a little vague so we don't know exactly how long this has been going on but it's been happening at least long enough for Ruby to be going to school and fretting about it to her friends. So the idea of Miyako either being unaware of this or not intervening in this is really baffling to me??? Especially off the back of chapters 124 and 126 making a point of how badly Miyako wants to reach out to Aqua and Ruby and support them as their mother - the only way I can justify this to myself is if Miyako somehow doesn't know this was going on but how would she not know??? Like, we see Gotanda and his assistants fretting over Ruby crying after her scenes! If they're well aware something is wrong, why not Miyako? She's Aqua and Ruby's manager! This is a Strawberry Productions produced movie! We've seen her on set before! Is she just… not here now that it would be inconvenient for the plot?

(The answer to that is 'yes')

Uh all that up there does make it sound like I disliked either this or last chapter but I actually really loved them both for reasons we'll get into soon! I think they're both strong individual chapters and as points in RubyKana's shared arc I actually do really like this conflict, what it says about them both and where it seems to be taking them. There are just a lot of small, piled up contrivances pushing this conflict along and I think they annoyed me so much BECAUSE I otherwise think this is some really tasty character work for both girls and I'm otherwise enjoying it.

My bitching aside, I do really like the talk that follows this. I've been revisiting a lot of the earlier material recently via friends re-reading or giving the series a try for the first time so I've been back in that space of Ruby being particularly starstruck with Frill. It's sweet to see their present day dynamic where Ruby is fully comfortable with Frill just as her friend and trusts her enough to share her worries with her.

aw hey minami we thought you were dead

This entire scene really got my brain gears whirring and I can't help but speculate a little about its placement. At first I was just nodding along, thinking this was just Industry Exposition as usual but… isn't this odd? We don't see how Ruby phrases this question so maybe she was vague but from an authorial standpoint, why is Akasaka having Frill talk about love instead of dislike or hostility, which is what is actually going on between Ruby and Kana? Reading over that scene again and again, I can't help but wonder… is this supposed to be taken as some commentary on what's going on between Ruby and Aqua? Is Ruby developing confusedly romantic feelings for him purely because of their 'playing the roles', so to speak, of Sarina and Gorou? After all, the only other similar 'showmances', so to speak, that this could be referring to are AquKana and AquAka, neither of which quite fit the bill, especially when Frill talks about immediately snapping out of those feelings once the show is over — which didn't happen in the least for either pairing. Is this a hint of something to do with Ruby's feelings? Am I reading too much into this??? I mean, I almost definitely am, but I do that every week so…

Hopping over to Kana, the scene between her and Memcho itches my brain less mostly just because it's reiterating things communicated last week. I've said all I'll say about it feeling weird to me that Mem isn't making a move to intervene here but I do like the talk she and Kana have about their human jealousy towards Ruby. Honestly, I have a lot of respect for their being able to push it aside for so long because… honestly, none of what Kana said is wrong!

The second generation of B-Komachi exists for Ruby. Strawberry Productions got back into the idol business entirely so Ruby would have a group to be part of. Kana and Mem were recruited so Ruby would have unitmates to perform with. It doesn't revolve around her to the extent the previous generation did Ai, but in a very real sense Kana is correct when she identifies herself and Memcho as 'extras' for B-Komachi, who exist for Ruby's sake. Not only that but Ruby honestly treated them really badly while she was in black hoshigan mode! Yes, we as readers know what was going on in her head and why but think about how all that probably seemed to Kana and Mem who had no idea: From their POV, what happened was that they broke into mainstream success at last and Ruby immediately left them in the dust, prioritizing her own growth and success in a way that had a very real impact on the fan response the two of them got while they were busting their asses and trying their best to keep B-Komachi going in her absence. I don't think they would be wrong to feel honestly kind of used and hurt!

Obviously this isn't me saying that Ruby is a bad person or that she deserves to have Kana snap at her like that or whatever but… I dunno! It just feels good to have Mem and Kana finally address those feelings and admit to them without it compromising their genuine love and care for Ruby, which is one one of the main ways that the current gen of B-Komachi has surpassed the previous one. Kana especially touches on something I discussed last week in that I think her half of this shared RubyKana arc is going to be about confronting and besting her 'inner Nino', so to speak. Like Nino, she has those same tangled up feelings of admiration and envy, but Kana is capable of confronting them and identifying them. Most importantly, she loves Ruby enough to not let them take her over completely.

ANYWAY FORGET ALL THE REST OF THIS STUFF BECAUSE THIS WAS SECRETLY AN AI POST THIS WHOLE TIME MFS!!!!!!!! oh god this chapter review is already so long and now it's about to get even longer.

Anyone who's read any of my OnK meta before will probably know that I have always stood by one thing that I won't compromise on: Hoshino Ai was just a normal girl. She was a normal girl who suffered abuse and neglect and hated herself as a result, who was exploited by the entertainment industry because she was pretty and vulnerable, who didn't understand people but spent every waking moment of her too-short life reaching out so she could try and love them. The idea of Ai being fundamentally mysterious or unknowable, that the so called 'real Ai' had some horrible dark secret or that the supposedly 'true' Ai really was as horrible as Ai thought herself to be have never resonated with me. The 'real me' that is so horrible that Ai can only speak of her with black stars is nothing more than the flawed, hurting, abused human behind Ai of B-Komachi. I've said this all along and yet there's always been a little part of me worried that Akasaka was going to pull a fast one and betray that idea and rupture the heart of this character I've come to love so much.

To that end — I cannot tell you how insanely fucking cathartic the ending of this chapter was. To have Ruby at last come face to face with her mother as a human being and recognize her for who she really is. That this key final puzzle piece of the real Ai is centered on her pain and her loneliness and her raw humanity, that Ruby describes her as just a normal girl who was always crying and in pain… I genuinely don't have words to say how incredible it felt to finally, FINALLY have someone recognize Ai's suffering. And not just anyone, but one of Ai's children, one of the people she loved more than anything else in the world.

The imagery and framing here is so insanely powerful. Ai taking the place of Ruby's reflection, the look of weary, resigned pain on her face. How small Ai is when Ruby sees her. The barrier of the glass between them; even now in this moment of understanding, the unbreechable barrier of Ai's death keeps Ruby from truly reaching her. It almost feels skeuomorphic in how literal the visualization of this moment of connection and empathy is. Ruby literally sees herself in Ai — she sees Ai in herself. It's pure empathy made as real and tangible as it gets. At long, long last, someone has squinted past the blinding light cast by Ai of B-Komachi and seen Hoshino Ai alone in the shadows where she's been this whole time.

Break next week…! That was to be expected — Jump Festa 2024 will be taking place next weekend and there will be a OnK panel with the seiyuu for Ai, Aqua, Kana and Akane in attendance. We're confirmed to be getting some season 2 news as well, so there's that to look forward to!

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk spoilers #ruby hoshino #ai hoshino

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blueraineshadows · 1 year ago

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Secrets of the Night

Sebastian Sallow x Ominis Gaunt

NSFW 🔞 Angst, trauma, masturbation, physical abuse

Hogwarts, 2nd Year

The soft, pale glow of moonlight filtered through the skylight window in the Slytherin dormitory, and Sebastian lay in his bed, wide awake, watching the shadows shifting slowly around the room as the hours passed. Sleep was eluding him again. He shifted and winced, his ribs paining him, and he stilled. He took slow, even breaths until the dull ache passed, the mottled bruising that spread up his side was taking a long time to fade. He had to bathe in silly hours of the day to avoid his classmates seeing the evidence of his guardian's methods of teaching him a lesson. Now that he was back at school, he could avoid the beatings, avoid having to be near that house, and live in relative peace here at the castle. Hogwarts could be a home from home, and the safety it provided was enhanced by the friendship he had formed with Ominis Gaunt.

Soft whimpers sounded from behind the curtains of the bed beside him. He turned his head to listen as Ominis fretted through another nightmare. Ever since term had started, these late night episodes had been a regular thing, and it hurt Sebastian more than his bruises did. Something was troubling the Gaunt boy, and while their friendship had been slowly developing through their first year into a closeness that was new for him, Sebastian wasn't sure if Ominis would appreciate him prying into something so private and obviously painful. But, it was getting harder to listen to.

At the sound of a low, painful moan, Sebastian sat up and slipped from his bed, moving quietly towards Ominis and peering through the curtain. Ominis was twitching and shivering, his face pale and eerie in the moon's warped glow. His blonde hair was damp, strands sticking to his forehead, and he was breathing fast and shallow.

"Ominis," Sebastian whispered. "Are you alright?"

"Go away," Ominis mumbled. He buried his face into his pillow, biting back his whimpers.

"It's okay," Sebastian soothed. "Let me help you. I can sit here with you, if you want. We can talk about anything, anything at all."

"You don't understand," Ominis whimpered.

Sebastian felt sadness wash over him. After his parents died, he had been the same. He had woken in cold sweats, fear of the dark weighing heavily on him, and the only comfort was to curl up with Anne, their bodies entangled like kittens as they tried to squeeze out the horrors from their minds.

"Okay," Sebastian said. "We don't have to talk. But, if it helps, I can sit here with you until you feel safe again. Just say the word, and I will. But, if you would rather be alone, then I shall return to my bed, but you know where I am should you change your mind."

Ominis kept his face buried into the pillow, his body trembling, but he didn't say a word. Sebastian's shoulders slumped and he let the curtain drop before turning to seek his bed once more.

"Wait."

The word was whimpered, softly spoken, and desperately lonely sounding. Sebastian turned, eyeing the curtains of Ominis' bed.

"Please don't go."

Sebastian slipped through the curtains and climbed onto the bed beside Ominis. Carefully, he shifted the trembling boy over and lay down beside him. He didn't say anything, just lay there beside him, pulling up the blanket to cover them both because Ominis had felt chilled.

Sebastian stared up at the canopy of the bed and concentrated on his own breathing, ignoring the twinge in his ribs as he breathed deeply, in and out. Gradually, Ominis began to calm, his trembling easing off as his breathing began to match the rhythm of Sebastian's. It became warmer under the blanket with their combined body heat, and Sebastian felt his eyes beginning to drift closed.

He must have dozed because when he awoke, there was a weight against his chest. He looked down to see Ominis laying against him, fast asleep, thick dark lashes fanned out across pale cheeks. Asleep, there was a serene calm to Ominis' face. It was a look that Sebastian would never forget, a sense of deep protectiveness swelling in his chest from knowing that his warmth and friendship had brought Ominis some peace. If he was being truly honest, then the act had brought himself a sense of peace, too.

Gently, so as not to disturb the sleeping boy, Sebastian slipped out from under the blanket and returned to his own bed, which felt cold and lonely after the warmth of Ominis. As much as he had appreciated the moment shared with a friend, it would not do to be caught sleeping in the bed of the other boy in the morning. Ominis suffered enough with whispered talk in the corridors, and Sebastian was not going to be the cause for more.

Over the next three weeks, Sebastian often crawled into Ominis' bed in the dead of night, sometimes not even speaking a word as Ominis fretted and thrashed. He would just lie next to him and let his body warm the bed, breathing slowly and carefully until Ominis became calm and dozed into sleep.

He wasn't sure when laying there had turned into him holding Ominis in his arms. Perhaps it had been after Ominis had suffered a particularly bad nightmare, and Sebastian had been forced to hold him steady. From there, it had progressed, and now it was common for Sebastian to wrap his arms around the fragile boy and soothe him into sleep. It wasn't something that they ever spoke about, and Sebastian always returned to his own bed before the first fingers of dawn pierced through the veil of the Black Lake.

After two months, Ominis took Sebastian to a secluded corner of the Defence Against the Dark Arts tower and introduced him to the Undercroft, and a firm bond of friendship had been formed.

....*....

Hogwarts, 4th Year

The Undercroft was a special place. Not long after Sebastian had been introduced to its existence, he had talked Ominis into sharing the secret with his twin, Anne. Sebastian could not keep secrets from his twin. It was like a physical pain, and Ominis was understanding enough to allow Sebastian to share their special place.

In the two years that followed, the trio would seclude themselves down in the dusty, cold dungeon, forming a bond that Sebastian believed to be as unbreakable as the vow. They were damaged kids, lonely and lost, but they found comfort in each other.

Ominis had revealed his dark family secrets and the causes of his night terrors. Talking about such things had actually lessened the pain for him, and while his nights were less traumatising, he did often spend a lot of time avoiding sleep. Sebastian would always offer his comfort and his ear to his friend, but as they had grown older and more aware of their bodies, they had moved out of the habit of sharing a bed. Although, this was only at school.

Ominis spent the school holidays with the twins in Feldcroft to avoid going back home to his family. The Sallows were pure bloods, and therefore acceptable friends for the youngest Gaunt son, and it was allowed. Ominis had no choice but to share a bed with Sebastian in the small cottage, but it was a small price to pay for the glow of happiness that would light that pale face, and put colour in his cheeks. He was also a buffer between Sebastian and his uncle, who would use his fists less in front of a Gaunt.

As the children became teens, the dynamics had begun to shift a little in their trio. It was during the summer that was leading into their 5th year that Sebastian began to notice things about his friend that confused him. Ominis had beautiful skin, and when they were on the beach, messing about in the waves, Sebastian noticed how the droplets of salty water would bead into crystal orbs on that pale flesh. Once noticed, it was hard not to look for it, and Sebastian was entranced at how it made Ominis' skin glisten in the sunlight, there was an almost ethereal beauty to the boy that made him seem unreal and mesmerising.

Sebastian had also noticed the way Anne would now look at Ominis, her cheeks flushing rosy pink, and her giggle becoming a different tone whenever she messed about with him. It would pull a frown into Sebastian's brow, a strange slippery feeling curling in his guts as he realised that Anne may have a crush on their friend.

Anne was jumping the waves, her pony tail flipping and dancing in the sea breeze as she squealed and leapt in the air. Her bathing shirt was splashed, and the small, hard mounds of her budding breasts were visible. Sebastian was oddly glad of his friend's blindness in that moment, knowing that he would most likely be looking at Anne, as other boys did in the corridors at school. It raised a fierce streak of protectiveness in Sebastian that made his fists curl, and his heart pounded.

Ominis was sitting on the sand, hands braced behind him, shirtless, and his trousers rolled up above his knees from his own turn at paddling. Soft chuckles left his lips as he listened to Anne's squeals, appreciating her enjoyment through sound. Sebastian sat with his legs crossed beside him, his eyes wandering over slim legs, the curve of Ominis' calves where soft blonde hairs had become thicker and more noticeable.

Sebastian's cheeks were pink at his blatant observation of his friend's body, well aware that he was taking advantage of Ominis' blindness to ease his own curiosities. Sebastian had thicker, dark hair on his stomach now, and his gaze moved to the flat plane of Ominis' belly, the hair soft and pale as it swirled around his navel and led down to the waistband of his trousers. Sebastian's face flushed even darker as he wondered what colour the hair was below that waistband. Was it equally as pale? Or was it darker like Sebastian's own?

As he pondered this, and the idea that Ominis had no doubt grown thicker and longer where Sebastian had also noticed a rather impressive improvement in his pants, he was mortified to realise that said piece of anatomy was beginning to twitch and swell. Shocked, Sebastian grabbed himself through his trousers and adjusted himself more comfortably, his cheeks and neck burning in horrified embarrassment. He licked his lips and tore his gaze away from smooth, pale flesh and stared out at the rolling waves, taking slow breaths to calm his raging body down.

That night, Sebastian lay in his bed, rigid and staring up at the ceiling as Ominis slept soundly beside him. Sebastian could not stop thinking about what had happened on the beach and did not understand why. Frightened at what his body had done, Sebastian turned over, putting his back to Ominis and closed his eyes, trying to push his thoughts away and sleep.

But, the soft, warm feel of Ominis' breath fanned across the back of his neck. Sebastian knew his lips would be parted, soft, plump, and pink. Sebastian gulped, his eyes flying open, but the images continued behind his eyes. The smooth, pale flesh of his friend's torso, the line of hair disappearing below his waistband, and the soft tickle of his breath at his neck all collided together to make Sebastian's heart pound in his ears. His cock began to swell in his pyjamas and he winced at the tight, desperate feeling it brought to his loins. Shame made his face colour. Ominis was his friend. Surely, this was wrong.

Breathless and thoroughly confused, Sebastian climbed from his bed and padded softly across the cottage, grabbing a robe from the hook and disappearing outside. The night air was cool against his flushed face as he walked quickly towards the shed, unlocking the door and disappearing inside. He locked the door behind him, not bothering to light the candles placed on the bench before throwing himself down onto the bundle of blankets and pillows scattered on the floor. This was his safe place, a hideaway from Solomon's fists, and the weight of trying to grow up.

Sebastian panted, his cheeks hot and his cock still rigid and throbbing in his pyjamas. Hand shaking, he slipped it down under his waistband, grasping hold of himself and groaning as his palm slid over the hot flesh. It felt delicious and scandalous as he began to stroke up and down, his eyes closing as he pressed his face into the musty pillow.

He moaned and flexed his hips, trying to block out images of Ominis with no shirt, trying to picture some of the girls from school with the pretty smiles. He liked girls. He had grown hard in class before, just when a girl had smiled at him once, but this felt different. This was an ache that stole the breath from his lungs, and he pumped his hand even harder, moaning and clenching his teeth at the piercing heat that shot through him.

A pressure began to build in his lower stomach and he gasped, hips bucking to thrust his cock harder into his fisted hand. He shuddered, his cock throbbing almost painfully and a low groan escaped through his clenched teeth as hot, white release shot from the tip and coated his hand, splatting across his hip and the cold floor beneath him.

Sebastian lay there in his own mess for a measure of time, waiting for his breaths to return to normal, as his brain tried to process the confusing and conflicting emotions that raged through his adolescent body. Did he love Ominis? Did he have a crush on him like his sister did? He didn't know. All he did know was that the hot feel of that release had felt rather good, and he wouldn't be against doing it again.

He must have dozed off. He woke up stiff and cold, his pants sticky and uncomfortable as he stretched and sat up. He rubbed a hand over his sleep glazed face and frowned. He could hear commotion outside, and the faint smell of smoke reached his nose. Alarmed, he scrambled to his feet and went outside.

Little did he know what horror was waiting for him and the devastating effect it would have on his life forever.

For not only had his twin been hurt, she had suffered while he had been hiding away and indulging in his dirty, little secret. The heavy guilt at not being there to protect Anne would weigh heavy on him for the rest of his life.

I am obsessed with Sebinis at the moment, and I couldn't stop thinking about this. I am considering a part two 💚 Part Two

#hogwarts legacy fanfic #sebastian sallow #ominis gaunt #Sebastian Sallow x Ominis Gaunt #sebinis #blueraineshadows

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blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk · 1 year ago

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Safe and Sound AU:

When Anne gets sick versus when her babies get sick.

sorry did u mean aaaaa my heart

When she gets sick? She treats it like no big deal. Obviously she’s a doctor, so she knows her symptoms and when to be concerned. A little cold or sore throat isn’t anything to fret about… even if her children try to fuss over her. She’s always quick to shoo them all away, telling them not to worry about her, this isn’t that bad, she’ll be fine. Of course, their experiences on the streets and knowing that something small could turn into something bad, combined with how she treats them when they’re sick, none of them really listen. How they take care of her varies on who it is, but eventually she’s left no other option than to just let them fuss. Regardless of her not being seriously ill, she just doesn’t have the energy to fight them. … Er. Especially if they all come at her at once. There are eight of them, how is she supposed to argue with them all?!

When Joker is under the weather, he tries very hard to hide it and pretend like it’s business as usual. Being that Anne’s downplaying her illnesses is adjacent to hiding them entirely, it doesn’t fool her for a second. (Of course, it probably doesn’t fool anyone else, either.) However, rather than making a show of her care, she tries to do more subtle things with him. Giving him a kiss on the forehead to gauge his fever, making sure he gets extra honey in his tea when it’s served, suggesting that he stay down by the fire with her for a bit once everyone else heads to their rooms. She knows she can be a little much, so she does her best not to embarrass him or make him feel less than capable.

Mally is a little trickier when she isn’t feeling well, although she does also try to hide that she’s sick. She’s not as good at it as Joker, and it ends up that she can’t exactly deny it. However, she also is less inclined to accept subtlety; she’s frustrated for being ill, so she gets twice as frustrated when her mum attempts to give her anything that reminds her she is. Anne is pretty much forced to be blunt, cooing about how, “Oh, darling, you know this will make you feel better ― won’t you just stop being stubborn and get it over with?” That makes her feel flustered in front of everyone else, so whatever the remedy is, she downs it in a single gulp simply to stop Anne’s badgering. (Thankfully, she settles down after a bit and begrudgingly accepts the fussing.)

Dagger isn’t that bad, given that he sort of isolates himself when he’s sick. That does mean that he gets a bit shy when his mum tries to take care of him… rest fixes everything, right? At the beginning, perhaps the first couple of times he catches something and hides away, Anne leaves him be aside from making sure there’s tea and soup and all that left on the table by his bed. She figures that rest will do him good. But then suddenly she’s got a young man with a high fever who’s crying when she sits down on the bed to check his temperature, who asks her if he’s so sick he might die. From then on, every time he gets ill, Anne makes doubly sure to check up on him frequently, and urge him to let her take care of him instead of holing away in his room. It’s a work in progress. At least he’s never come close to being sick enough to endanger him, though, and he knows to just let Anne fuss a little.

The one who takes Anne’s care better than anyone is Freckles, as if there were any doubt. They’re desperate for a mother’s love, so when they’re not feeling well, there’s no hiding, no pretenses or excuses, no downplaying, no denying, none of it. Anne knows immediately when Freckles is sick, because they tell her. She’s enough of a secure presence that they can be comfortable around her, up to and including not making any effort to conceal their symptoms. Anne is grateful for it; all she’s ever needed to worry about is whether or not Freckles is going to bend over and vomit on her shoes after admitting, “Mum, I don’t feel good.” She gets to baby them to the moon and back, wrapping them up in blankets, kissing their cheek, holding a cup of tea to their lips, gently shoving medicine down their throat… they don’t stop her, even as an adult. They just lean in to her fussing, happy to be taken care of. And Anne, for her part, is overjoyed that she gets to comfort someone so thoroughly.

Jumbo is… unfortunately, quite a bit similar to Joker when he’s sick. He doesn’t necessarily try to hide that he isn’t feeling well, but he pushes through any pain or discomfort for the sake of trying to take care of his family. Nothing exasperates Anne more, because ― well ― she took them in so she could take care of them! None of them need to be putting themselves through hell to look out for each other anymore, not now that they have her. Even when he’s grown, he seems unable to fully shed that instinct. Anne will have to shoo him out of the kitchen trying to help the cook while he’s not feeling well, or out of the gardens trying to help the groundskeeper. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get him to settle down… after a lot of trying, though, she’s always able to manage it, so she doesn’t stop trying. If she has to drag her son who’s over half a meter taller than she is into bed, she’ll do it. Hell hath no fury like a mother taking care of her child.

Not to say that Peter and Wendy are the worst patients, of course, but… they certainly don’t make things easy for their mum. Peter is worse than Wendy in this respect, because he and his sister are the oldest of their little family, and he’s used to not being fussed over simply because he chases away any fussing. He doesn’t want to be treated like a child just because he looks like one; there’s a big chip on his shoulder. Wendy, too, though she’s quieter about it. Anne will put a cup of tea down in front of them, listen to Peter talk himself hoarse about how he doesn’t need to be babied, and she will stare him down until he takes a sip. At which point he realizes he feels like complete crap, looks over at Wendy, looks back at his mum, and both of them give him silent confirmation that he’s being a little unreasonable. He still doesn’t take too much fussing well… at least he drinks the tea. Wendy waits until he does, if only for the fact that she wants to support her brother and let him come to his own senses rather than follow her example. (He’s her big brother, after all.) Anne tries very hard not to go overboard, particularly with Peter. She does coax them both to sit with her by the fire, however. Peter tends to drift off first when he’s sick, leaving Wendy to cuddle up and apologize that the two of them are difficult. Anne just kisses their heads, remarks, “I’m not treating you like children because I think you’re children; I’m treating you like children because you’re my children. You’ll both come to understand the difference one of these days, and until then, I hope you can tolerate my fussing and not think badly of me.,” and carries them to bed only once Wendy falls asleep too.

Snake is slightly odd when it comes to this, she’s found. Much like Freckles, he appears to crave for her to take care of him. On the other hand, though… he’s been through so much abuse, so much torture, he seems to simply not know what to do with someone taking care of him. It’s unfamiliar to him, even if it’s positive, and it breaks Anne’s heart to watch her newest child with his feelings waging war on each other. She runs a hand through his hair to confirm that he’s got a fever, and he leans in against her comparatively cooler touch like it’s a comfort ― only to snap himself away like he’s ashamed that he ‘dared’ to be touched. It’s not easy to find the balance between spooking him with overwhelming gestures and making sure he knows she wants to care for him. She mixes his medicines with enough sugar to make his teeth ache, and ensures he drinks it all while telling him it should make him feel better. He seems quite comfortable wrapped tightly in a blanket whilst she reads to him as he drifts in and out of sleep, so… that’s what she does, until he’s sleeping soundly.

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enniewritesathing · 11 months ago

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discussion post #2 (i think?)

This may have been a small update but More Things happened and we gotta talk about it. (Or, I'm gonna talk about it.) More like a ramble, really.

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Speculation? Let's talk about it. 🤔

Behind the Scenes stuff:

first off, I wouldn't have the ability to even remotely do ANY of this part without @anothersimsstory's CC conversions and I'm glad I had the foresight of downloading it when I did. (they didn't delete their shit or anything but you know how it is sometimes) and the monitor by Theraven (I don't think they have a tumblr? they have a forum tho), and the EKG leads by @jellypawss. It really pays to make niche CC!!

I had to make swatches for the monitor since it is an important visual thing... but it was wholly contingent on me finding something that's close to actual vital signs and I looked everywhere but they were all stock images and obviously didn't work for what I needed. I then had to search high and low for for it, but I found it. For real!! I had to use TWO laptops (one for settings and the other for the actual monitor) and I screenshotted it, slapped it into paint to save it, make it a swatch, rinse/repeat for I think 15? idk how many

you may think, Ennie, that's a bit much, and I say, my attention to detail game is insane when it doesn't need to be but dammit, the visuals have to make sense from a glance. That and the offchance of someone who knows read the monitor would point something out about it. That said! I tried parcing out what EtCo2 is but all I got from it is was "high number bad".

seriously, I spent... a Stupid amount of time setting that up. 🅱️lease clap for me -- I can safely say that I don't think anyone else would go that far.

I told myself after finishing The Incident I was not gonna be doing 5/6 rigs all in one shot again. (🤡)

The lighting situation drove me up the damn wall and after a point, I just said fuck it. What I didn't anticipate was the stark contrast of John and The Werewolf talking and the memory in terms of setting. It's really cool, I think.

I fretted over this part the whole time because I didn't know what order I wanted and what I was going for, but I think I escalated it properly.

For The Werewolf's veins, I had to do the ol' S4S shuffle, but they are a combination of 3, maybe 4 and ofc had to make outfits for the progression, which is why he's still rocking the half-sleeve look (and from an age/timeline stand point makes him 21/22ish). You know what, let's look at them again!

it's a good look

Speaking of... I had to make a lot of The Werewolf solo poses and I found out that uh, it's all in the brows; they can completely change the meaning. It's bad enough with the angles and the general body language. (Or maybe not? Eh.)

Another visual thing -- The Big Scene... that one, I had going back and forth with it until I decided going all white for The Werewolf's eyes (or lack of pupils). It was far more striking and way scarier than the 'blank' eyes I tend to go with.

seriously, I contemplated on tagging it as a jump scare.

Oh! and the shaking of 3 pics, that was spur of the moment because I really kept going back into the post and something was just missing. I have a (cracked) PhotoMosh and I played with the setting a bit and bingo.

It is probably my favorite post so far. I had to settle with the fact that it's not gonna be the one to be spread around. Or any of it really.

Story Stuff:

There's so many crumbs in this! So. Many. There's even a loaf of bread or two. If you tell me what you're picking up on and you're on some kind of track, you get a cookie (🍪). (I'm serious, btw)

John's clearly shook. This may be the first time we've really seen him like this. And The Werewolf is nonchalant... (I will admit John looks very pretty when he's like this lol)

...or is he? I think there are more cracks in the dam than you'd think. A while back in a post that's somewhere on this blog, but John has a tendency to play with his hands when he's anxious.

Another thing that I just noticed is that they didn't really look at each other; I wonder what that's all about?

I've said it once and I'll say it again; even though they share the same body, John and The Werewolf look very different from one another, and I think that's neat.

Jordan being real about taking advantage of the fact that they're getting paid $$$ and they'd be dumb to not take up the offer.

I had to remember that Brian did not know John was a werewolf at this point in time, or even begin to really put 2+2 together. I call it a bit of genre blindness, helped by the fact that this didn't happen all the time. He just rolled with it. Also, wow he looks very young without his tats; ofc this was the college years and he was beginning to fill out/eating good.

Mark is the smartest dude in the whole story. He said, nope, nuh uh, I'm OUT. IYKYK.

There were so many pics I wanted to take of Daniel punching The Werewolf right in the solar plexus (or thereabouts it might've been slightly lower than that). As they say in the FGC, he failed to block that overhead.

I'm glad I decided to leave in the fact that The Werewolf couldn't see too well.

The Werewolf blew his vocal cords out screaming. He said that shit with his soul. Rarely do I go with the funky text with him since that's his "big scary werewolf" voice (that and he rarely speaks like that). My man said "I'll make you suffer my pain." Beautiful. Can't wait to see how that plays out.

That said, The Werewolf did work himself up to the point of nearly killing himself on accident. But as Charles predicted, his body hit the emergency button and shut that shit down.

I spent the most time worried about this part because it needed to get the point across without it being so... cheesy?

also, I have to say? The Werewolf is a Swearwolf. *rimshot*

The Fucking Around part has ended... The Finding Out part is really going to be fun to watch. (I mean, you can already do this if you haven't but now you have way more context.)

There's something about The Werewolf that's becoming apparent (to us). He's still holding back on his actual feelings. Not only that... he hasn't gotten to John himself and I think that's where it's really gonna go down. John knows this; he's not naive to think that he didn't have a role in all of this too. Something to think about.

Charles is a flat out Nasty Man (very derogatory) and yet, I kinda enjoy writing it.

I do love how he is formal with names, "dear ____" and referring to John's formal name Johnathan.

which I always forget this mfer is named Johnathan. Nobody calls him that.

#ennie rambles #spoilers #story discussion #i think that might be it or at least at this time #i may add to it via reblog if i think of something else #thoughts? comments? concerns? speculation?

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quixoticrobotic · 1 year ago

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When 90's dude went to karaoke during the Entity arc and was like "I'm gonna show you how Breakfast at Tiffany's can be the most extreme rock song EVVER" - That's LOVE!!! Like when I try and combine my fixations with my friend's fixations, even if they don't click in my brain as strongly, that is to me an act of love and friendship. And the fact that Harvey brushes it off is just like- please understand what is being said!!

HARVEY IS SO MEAN IN THE ACTUAL SHOW IT IS SO JARRING its just one of those things i kinda gently tone town in my head bc i don't think it's supposed to come off as mean as it does

i actually have a lil theory that like. harvey figured out the missingno thing because pokemon is his special interest

but like i also like to think he would have notice 90's dude seemed a little...off during karaoke night.

and then this leads into some juicy character introspection because like finding out someone who is your friend who you care about was possessed by some glitch monster god is upsetting like thats an awful thing for someone to go through obviously!

but like. harvey is used to bad things that are complicated "real world" problems with no real solutions

and so harvey is fretting about like. what if 90s dude isn't feeling well, or maybe hes like getting bullied at school or theres a problem with with his home life or just anything that has nothing to do with their little friend group, its just something harvey cant do anything about its something harvey cant help with or fix so like "oh no it was just the usual weird stuff that happens around here, the kind you can fight against and win and then its gone." its kind of a relief??? like again thats still not IDEAL but. things are gonna get better now. thats the thing that matters

tbh i headcanon the crew had noticed 90s dude seemed a little off like. the entity can shout all the catchphrases and stuff. but like its human impression is only so good. and these people know 90s dude, they're gonna notice if hes been a little more quiet than usual or talks a lot less or if little details are off

i just dont think anyone connected "hey our friend is acting strange, which could be bc of something thats not our business" with "there are mass disappearances happening all over the world thats....scary" bc like idk why you'd assume those were related at all

#words to people #shedglitter #i always wonder if my at4w headcanons are just like this bc personal preferences #or if the fact that i was raised on stuff about the power of love and friendship #and not shows about robots punching each other #but yeah everything i touch turns kinder and softer

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coredrill · 2 years ago

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pre-gridnzn movie thots!!! mostly just for my own organization lmao

okay so heads up SPOILERS for both series and maybe the movie itself depending. i’ll do general thoughts first then go into some more specific ones

general thoughts:

okay. so. the gist from the trailer that i get is that because the “multiverse” is getting all wonky, kaiju start appearing again. in this case the “multiverse” means the virtual world that encompasses both the ssss.gridman universe and the ssss.dynazenon universe, perhaps also the computer world with all the lines where alexis is from(? idr i haven’t finished rewatching gridman lmao) and also the real world where akane is from?

to combat the kaiju, the dnzn gang hops to the ssss.gridman universe (possibly w the help of knight and second? cause they clearly have that ability, to travel between parallel worlds, and i think that would make sense that they are watching over the gridman gang uwu. OR the neon genesis guys probably, there is a shot in the trailer where it looks like they break into yomogi’s house or smth lmao)

chise is probably gonna pilot dyna diver and GOOD FOR HER LMAO though i hope she gets to see goldburn again too; i love that she dyed her hair for him

koyomi’s gonna not show up for work due to multiverse crises and lose his fucking job lmao. poor guy

yomo and yume i don’t really have any predictions for. they’ll be in the movie ig. their whole deals were resolved pretty well in dnzn. it looks like yomogi has to sacrifice himself at some point? idk. i think he’s gonna fret a lil about gauma never telling him the third thing

i am interested to see what they do with yuuta, like the trailer seems to lean HARD into the “confess to rikka” thing but like. it’s the only bit of characterization the dude’s got LMAO ofc it’s gonna be a thing. but also it seems like he’s maybe weighing the pros and cons of combining w gridman again?? at least, w the kaiju all showing up, it looks like he realizes he can’t fight them without gridman and probably doesn’t wanna leave the dnzn crew all on their own. maybe after yomo sacrifices himself, yuuta also decides to “sacrifice” by combining w gridman? and maybe he looses his memories again for it? idk, but i’m interested to see YUUTA get an arc and hopefully a personality instead of just relying on his cute kitten ear hair for personality alkjfhdslkj. like it obviously worked in ssss.gridman but i wanna know YUUTA yknow? not vessel-for-gridman-yuuta

utsumi did not look happy that yuuta’s still the main character LMFAO. i think he and koyomi should get drinks together or smth

no clue what rikka’s gonna do since her arc was pretty akane-centric lmao. she says she’s 16 in the trailer, so i suppose about a year has passed for the gridman gang (not sure if it’s the same for the dnzn gang?) so i imagine it’s not gonna be a grief thing? also if it is i fear they lean wayyyy to close to repeating yume’s arc w her. idk! but i DO hope she meets knight and gets to have a moment that the kid she took in and fed and bathed and showed kindness to became a WHOLE HUMAN BEING WITH A HEART because of it!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHH

on that note ANTIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIM!!!!!!! i’m rly excited for my way to play and for the gridman gang to see him all grown up from their weird feral adopted cat to their overprotective uncle. i will sob maybe

on that note this is unrelated but i have been reading transcripts of the audio dramas and the fact that calibur takes in stray cats is SO FUNNY TO ME considering how he basically took in confused-kitten-yuuta and feral-cat-anti LMAO

music!!! this is gonna RULE the soundtrack drops SO SOON and i can’t wait to LISTEN also i still have my hopes set on a union/imperfect mashup. PLEASEEEEEEE

ADDED THURS 3/23 i think it’s downright hilarious that like half the promo for this movie has been like. yuuta: “i need to confess to rikka 🥺👉👈” rikka: *🧍* yomogi: *actively having the biggest crisis of his life* yume: “WOOHOO YEAH I LOVE BEIN A SUPER ROBO PILOT!”

it’s nice to see yume being her silly self now that she’s been able to move on tho :] she really deserves the world

prediction: rikka: “oh wow i can’t believe that kaiju kid is our homeless uncle now” koyomi: “i think he’s like my second favorite homeless uncle” yomogi: “he’s my third” and then koyomi throws a fit LMAO

based on the japantimes review:

okay so i already threw my hat in the GAUMA RETURNING RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK GAUMA MIGHT BE COMING BACK!!!!!!!!!! genuinely i’m so excited for this he’s my absolute favorite i love him so much!!!!!!!!!!! like i could see it being some of the other eugenecists too if the rest of the dnzn crew want to use instance domination to get the kaiju under control but like WHAT IF ITS GAUMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also with the universe collapsing fuckery i could absolutely see them pulling in another universe’s gauma OR gauma from the past and yomo asking him about the third thing. however if this is the case i will cry bc gauma loves his dyna pals so so so much and seeing him not recognize them . listen ...............

let him eat crabs (said through sniffling)

also the live action bits. i feel like that might just be toku? like when the review mentioned nge i was like “oh live action like eoe used” but tbh i think they might just be having a live action tokusatsu battle?? or like phasing in and out of one as the multiverse collapses??? they did make that gridman suit lmao, maybe just for promo but. much to think about

oh OR my other guess here is that it’s akane but like. i’ll talk abt that more in the next section lmaoooooooooooooooo

based on the ““““leaks””””:

LOL. LMAO. these aren’t real but i wanna talk about them anyway

okay to be fair they MAY be real but the thing that makes me think they aren’t is akane returning?? like. if nothing else i do trust trigger with knowing when a story should end and akane’s story has ended. HOWEVER i don’t trust the fuckers at tsuburaya cause idk them but i feel like akane’s the ssss-anime franchise’s most popular character and they wanna milk her presence for all its worth lmao. (she’s def the most popular for eng speakers that i’ve seen; idk if it’s the same in japan. also apparently this is trigger’s biggest property in japan??? which makes sense cause it’s a franchise and they’ve made two installments for it but like. idk i was surprised!!! anyways lmao)

and idk i think akane returning COULD be handled well but like. only if everyone else goes to her yknow? she has moved on from her escapism, but if the gridnzn crew fall into the Real World and rikka’s like “oh shit let’s get akane to help!” i could see that working fairly well. and then she says goodbye to them all again but she’s in a better place w it this time around :) could also lead to some tension too

but like. “galaxy gridman is an enhanced form created by akane in the real world” what

also they refer to the dnzn world as the “real world?” so is the dnzn world just the real world but animated? i am so confused LMAO, is this bc gauma’s the og gridman mummy? is gauma & the eugenecists from the real world but went to the dnzn world when they time jumped?

characters from the og gridman show showing up seems like it’d be confusing more than anything else tbh, but it would fit the “extra cameos” mentioned in the japantimes review as well as if they show up in live action............

“yuuta unites w gridman and sets out to save other worlds, rikka waits for him and they meet again as adults” what is this drling in the frnxx-ass shit..............

however the teasing of the next installment called THE KNIGHT and it being about ANTI........................okay!!!! okay!

on the whole i hope this is all fake (and the akane return REALLY tips me off that they ARE, alongside the fact that there is like two plot points mentioned and then literally a million things abt the ending?) but like. we’ll see i suppose LMAO

HOWEVER ANTI SPINOFF!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways i may update this up to when the movie actually comes out and HOPEFULLY someone posts full spoilers online cause i wanna know!!! and who knows when it’ll come out in the states LMAO. this summer i hopeeeee i’m so excited to see it ugh. the fact that the lagann-hen animators are all coming back for it AHHHHHHHHHHH!

#a: gridman universe #t.txt

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julevanwilde · 4 months ago

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Okay so when I say 2021 I mean NEW YEAR'S DAY, JANUARY 1ST of 2021. I went biking with my parents and second-to-youngest sister. When I say biking I mean studded ice tires on a frozen river system. Now, obviously it was the dead of winter, -10° at the warmest. This is a relevant detail. Plenty of other people had the same idea for spending the holiday so finding a parking spot was tough. This is where the buttstabbing stage was set.

No space was available in the convenient, accessible lots so we had to wedge in near the entrance. As a result we had to walk the bikes down a steep, icy bank to reach the river.

I slipped. Caught myself halfway, but still slammed my backside onto the slope. Picked myself up and got on with it. Yeah, the impact hurt, but no more than any other time I've fallen on my ass; I figured I'd have a nasty bruise at most. That fades after a few minutes, and we bike around for about an hour of cold-numb extremities. So much fun, right?

It's miserable, and I'm glad when it's finally time to turn around. I have to work the next day anyway. This is where everything immediately goes to shit. I was hanging around the back of the group before, but turning around I'm in the lead and can be, like, seen.

"Your ASS is BLEEDING," my sister announces. What the ever loving fuck. Sure enough, my bike seat and pants are SOAKED. I can't feel a thing. Now me, I'm pretty pragmatic in these sorts of situations. This is not the first time. I can already put the pieces together; this happened in that fall, I've been bleeding the entire time. The logical, and only, thing to do is bike back and get myself checked out.

My mother takes this personally. When I point out that her gawking and fretting doesn't solve the problem and I just need to get back to the car, I get served the "don't be an ass!" line. Cool, way to make it about how you feel rather than about the fact that I'm having a medical emergency, but this has been the trend my entire life, so, moving on in the literal sense. We bike back, get the contraptions loaded up, and drive back to the house. At this point I'm (erroneously,) still hoping it's not actually that bad.

It's worse. I get to the bathroom and only have to peel the outermost layer of gear off to see the problem. I have a perfect, 3 inch stab wound direct in the center of my LEFT BUTTCHEEK. New hole acquired. Anyway it's New Year's so all of the urgent care centers in the area are closed, my only option is to visit the ER. I grab a towel and drive myself, because nobody seems to give a damn. Then comes the pleasure of explaining what's happening and apologizing for bleeding all over the waiting room floor.

The visit takes 3 hours, mostly of just waiting. Nobody texts to see how I'm doing. Also typical.

After finally cleaning and examining the wound, the doctor opts to avoid Xrays and just stitch it up. The risk, as he explained, is that we don't know how deep this thing is. We don't know if any internal organs were punctured. I could have been, and I quote, "stabbed with a sword for all we know." I landed on something, though. The combination of the cold and being Real Thicc was both why I hardly noticed, and probably what saved me from a more serious injury. (My innards were fine, turns out.)

I get home and am treated like a curiosity. Go to work the next day and hobble around like I'm auditioning for the part of Igor. Can't walk, can't sit, driving involves balancing on my right hip to keep pressure off the left. Mom wants to go on a two hour road trip. No? Did you already forget what happened to me just yesterday? Fucking hell, woman.

Anyway. Anyone who hadn't been there and seen my whole ass had heard about it. Small town, hospital gossip.

Thank god I have no shame.

Omg did I tell y'all about the butt stabbing incident of 2021?

#The Great Buttstabbing of 2021 #This is how you meet your insurance deductible on the first day of the year by the way

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byfightingwiththewind · 2 years ago

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the secret garden: dickon sowerby throughout different adaptations

given how many different adaptations of the secret garden there are, it is inevitable that some of them would use the same ideas. @isfjmel-phleg did a great post on the integration of mary’s mother and colin’s mother being twin sisters that has been used throughout different versions of the story, starting with the 1991 broadway musical. however, there is one popular change that particularly irks me, and that is what i like to call the “left-out dickon trope.”

so just what, exactly, is this trope? it’s simple: dickon sowerby is used as a plot device to “fix” colin and mary, restoring them to their childlike glory, and is cast away at the end of the story. in most adaptations that use this trope, dickon is painted in an almost otherworldly way, as an omniscient character who can sense when it is time for him to leave. he is not a cheerful, childlike boy full of life as he is in the original text; rather, he is dark, mysterious and ethereal.

the trope, as far as i can tell, started in the 1987 hallmark film. it is also present in the 1993 warner brothers film, and after that, the 1994 animated film. however, it is most prevalent in the 1987 film, where dickon is played by barret oliver (“the neverending story”).

oliver plays dickon in a cocky, overly confident way. he is much older in appearance than mary and colin (although colin, played by the two-years-younger jadrien steele, is significantly taller) and acts like he knows more than they do about…everything. near the end of the film, mary and colin are fretting about how they will eventually be sent to boarding schools, and dickon makes an off-handed remark about how they will “be parted” (“we’ll be parted, you and me. but remembrance will keep us friends.”). after this, he leaves the garden—right before archibald walks in to witness colin walking for the first time, the emotional climax of the film. in the final scene of the movie, an older mary returns to the garden and talks with ben weatherstaff. they discuss a letter sent that details dickon’s death in a field during the war, and mary says that dickon always knew he would die surrounded by growing things.

throughout the 1987 movie, there is a black cat, specifically in the scenes featuring future mary. this cat seems to represent dickon, as he is not there in the final scene; perhaps it is supposed to represent his spirit or something otherwise. it paints him as something different than the cousins—someone magical and immortal, which he is not and should not be. this, combined with his arrogant superiority complex, is extremely frustrating and not accurate to the book at all.

in the 1993 movie, dickon carries a bit of this arrogance. he’s a bit of a showoff in my opinion (that scene where he eats the grub, for example). the trait is handled better than in the ’87 version, though, because it can really be passed off as him being older than the cousins and them being slightly in awe of him. however, also like the ’87 film, dickon is completely excluded at the end. he’s set up to be mary’s best friend (or maybe more), but in the end, he is not included in the family’s reunion scene, looking on as a bystander. dickon is constantly seen with a white horse (oh, hello, 1991 musical fans—he actually does have a fine white horse. or pony? you know i think it’s actually a pony. i’m not one to trust on my equine knowledge), and with this steed, he rides away after bringing mary and colin to archibald—it’s almost like he was strictly there for plot convenience the whole time. i really like andrew knott’s dickon, more than many other versions, so it’s very disappointing when he doesn’t make the found family at the end. the 1994 animated adaptation follows this example—there’s a scene at the end where colin asks his father something along the lines of are they a “real family” now, and archibald responds “yes. you, me and mary,” while dickon and martha are never spoken of again).

obviously the 1993 film is the most popular and universally beloved adaptation, and it’s beautifully made. i think that it deserves the spotlight it gets, although i personally am a sucker for the 1949 film (hm. perhaps it’s because dickon isn’t left out or changed to be an ethereal character unlike his book counterpart?!). but the 1993 film tends to focus more on aesthetics and visuals rather than actual character development. for example, colin has his puppet theater, which is adorable, and a beautiful prop, but it doesn’t add much to his character. its existence means he’s more imaginative, right? couldn’t there have been a scene in which he plays with it by himself, showing his neglect and ability to fend for himself mentally as he has no one to do that for him? but there isn’t (although the clip of heydon and kate goofing around with the theater is sweet too). another example is dickon’s exclusion: the overhead shot of him riding away on that white pony going “my work here is done” is much more “cinematically beautiful” than him being a part of the group hug at the end.

in the original book, dickon is so lovable and helpful to mary and colin only BECAUSE he’s so down-to-earth and realistic. mary and colin are almost like caricatures of children in the beginning of the story: old-fashioned, idealistic, and not relatable. they don’t know what a real, “normal” childhood is like until dickon, a real boy with rosy cheeks and life inside comes to meet them. but dickon does not bring mary and colin back to life; he’s just one example to them of the life that they could be living when they begin to heal and grow. he’s not this magical, all-knowing, omniscient being with a superiority complex, and his character doesn’t need to rely on “fixing” mary and colin for plot convenience. they need to grow and learn by themselves, and dickon’s whole character should not be thrown away for the cousins’ sake.

#sorry if this is poorly edited and apologies for any mistakes!#i just wanted to rant about this because it's always annoyed me #dickon sowerby #colin craven #mary lennox #analysis #the secret garden #the secret garden 1987 #the secret garden 1993 #tsg #frances hodgson burnett

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heckyeahponyscans · 2 years ago

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Thoughts on MYM #1 (”Izzy Does It”)

Like I said before, I decided to watch one MLP Make Your Mark episode per week, to make them last. So far I’ve only watched “Izzy Does It”. No spoilers for later episodes please.

I’m just going to yammer about my thoughts on the episode and speculate on what might be coming next. :)

First of all, the animation is VASTLY improved from the 44 minute Make Your Mark special. The seagulls look cute instead of possessed, the character movement doesn’t have any janky sped up moments, and Sunny’s lips don’t look weird anymore, which I think is due to them changing the lighting.

My guess is the special was rushed because of corporate demands or something.

Plot summary: It’s Sunny’s birthday and Izzy (sort of by accident) makes her a hair ornament. Pipp shows it off on her social media, leading to all the other ponies wanting one. But Izzy doesn’t know how to replicate it.

Pipp tells Izzy to make the same thing “but better”; Sunny encourages Izzy and tells her to return to her roots. Roots . . . trees . . . Bridlewood! Izzy heads off to her old home and discovers an abandoned scooter along the way. Meanwhile at home Pipp has run into a creative block on her new song.

Just as she’s feeling guilty about giving Izzy “bad advice”, Izzy triumphantly returns. She basically misinterpreted Sunny’s and Pipp’s advice to create her own moral about being herself. She also fixed / refurbished the old scooter to become her new playset unicycling cart. Izzy then reveals that she did a remix of one of Pipp’s old songs, to Pipp’s delight.

While all this is happening, a unicorn without a cutie mark, Misty, is sneaking around town at the behest of a villainous alicorn named Opaline. Misty leaves Sunny a magic hand mirror that allows Opaline to spy on the ponies, though not when they’re inside the lighthouse.

Thoughts on the plot: This was a pretty good episode, but it had some parts that could have been made clearer. Like it was kind of odd that Izzy was fretting about other ponies wanting the hairband when she wasn’t shown being mobbed by them or anything. I think it would’ve worked better if she had a stall at the craft fair and initially she’s happy fulfilling unique requests for crafts, but after Pipp’s video the other ponies ONLY want replicas of the hair ornament and Izzy feels pressured / uncreative / stops having fun.

I would’ve cut the stuff with Pipp having creative block and instead Pipp’s subplot could have been, idk, she’s well-meaning but she gives advice thoughtlessly. Like for HER pleasing her fans is extremely important but maybe for Izzy fulfilling her creative spark is more important. She gives Izzy advice, Izzy runs off to Bridlewood, Pipp worries that her advice caused Izzy to run away, she realizes she should think her advice through.

And then obviously the scooter has to be in there, it’s a toy tie-in, so the finale could be Izzy returning to her booth at the craft fair with all her new supplies and this time when the townsfolk want the replica hair ornament she’s like “Let’s try this OTHER craft first, okay?” (Pipp would be helping with this since she’s the confident friend.) And obviously the ponies love their unique craft, which combines Izzy’s creativity and their own.

Random thoughts:

Misty is soooo cute! I love her and I hope with all my heart that she eventually becomes a main cast member. (They don’t have a blue pony yet!) ALSO that would mean they would have two unicorns, two pegasi, and two earth ponies, which I always love.

Opaline is a wonderful villain, she’s so extra. She’s SO MEAN to poor Misty yet I love every line that comes out of her mouth. “Don’t think, you sound foolish.”

Opaline claims she found Misty as a lost foal and took her in; I kind of think she’s lying and, like, murdered her parents. Maybe that’s too dark for MLP though. Unlike Sunny, Opaline’s alicorn horn and wings are real (not translucent) and she is taller than the average pony. About Princess Cadence’s size.

Tidbits from Opaline and Misty:

- there used to be a cloaking enchantment around Equestria

- Opaline gloats that she’ll be “even more powerful than I was before”

- Misty’s observations about cutie marks are the first time they’ve been mentioned directly in the G5 shows

- Misty doesn’t have a cutie mark but Opaline does

- Opaline talks about getting an ally to help her infiltrate Equestria (not Misty)

Other Random Thoughts

It feels like they don’t know what to do with Sunny. It’s too bad because I felt like she was well-developed in the movie. Adventurous, impulsive, a little sarcastic at times . . . Okay, her main life-goal has been accomplished but she should still have a personality!

The humor in this episode was also a big improvement over the 44 minute special. (With the exception of Izzy building a tower of junk for Sunny’s birthday which was just ???. But yeah, overall much improved.)

Izzy felt closer to Movie Izzy in this than to Tell Your Tale Izzy, who has mostly felt like Pinkie Pie 2.0. I’m a big fan of Movie Izzy, so yay! Also the rainbow picture looks a lot like the original MLP logo. They also played the jingle right at the beginning of the episode!

At one point Opaline says, “So these are the weak little ponies that brought back magic?” and Misty says, “Almost like any pony could do it.” Which I like. I don’t think Sunny Starscout was the only pony who could have brought back magic; I think she was simply one of the few ponies willing to try.

Finally, here’s a screenshot of Toots, Sweets, and Windy hanging out. I just thought it was cute. Also Sweets has a scrunchie in her tail, which I love.

#My Little Pony #G5 #Make Your Mark #spoilers #Izzy Does It #Sunny Starscout #Izzy Moonbow #Zipp Storm #Pipp Petals #Hitch Trailblazer #again please NO SPOILERS for Episode 2 and beyond #I'm watching ONE PER WEEK

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daburuwosagase · 2 years ago

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Manga scanning: a practical example

Lately I've been getting a lot of people asking questions about how to scan and subtitle. And it's kinda hit me: there aren't a lot of visible, accessible resources for this, are there? As time winds by, the masters of these arts have moved on and vanished from the internet. So for posterity, I want to talk about my own work process. (Remember to save a backup of this post somewhere if you like it...)

Maybe someone else has already written this up better than me, but it's nice to infodump about the process regardless.

The book I'm scanning is Inazuma Eleven GO: Saikyou Senshu 100-nin Zukan. It was a magazine extra drawn by multiple artists, and to my knowledge it's never been rereleased in tankobon format. Which is a damn shame, because it's full of hilarious gags! Time to bring it back to the world. So, how do we start?

0) Tools and programs

Before anything else, ya gotta have a good, clean scanner. My actual scanning is done with a basic 11x17 flatbed scanner with 1200dpi max. Default OS scanning programs usually suck, so I always download the scanner drivers and programs from the manufacturer's site!!

Other physical requirements are a microwave and some black paper. The digital steps are all done in Photoshop and XNView.

1) Scan the cover

For scan settings, I default to 600dpi PNG. I used to scan things at 200/300dpi, and while this is quicker and more economical, it's not nearly as crisp! It can also cause some weird color banding, due to some scientific phenomenon that still confuses me! Basically, if a scan looks stripey, change the DPI. It's much better to work at higher resolutions and then shrink it down later. I don't have to fret over 100mb+ raw images anymore because I have plenty of external storage! Yippee!!

Before doing anything else, I scan the cover while it's still in the best possible condition. Obviously, opening the book too far will cause creasing near the spine.

Since my edition was a well-loved secondhand copy, there is a LOT of creasing. But I don't feel like spending 3k yen to get a mint copy that I'm just gonna rip apart anyway, so this is where Photoshop comes in!

2) Retouching cover damage

Fortunately, there isn't any color fading to deal with here. The majority of these imperfections were touched up with Content Aware Fill. It's a very powerful tool that assumes what the selected pixels *should* look like based on the surrounding pixels. Use the Lasso or Magic Wand to select the imperfections, and try to avoid selecting pixels you don't want fixed. Content Aware works best on small spots, so you kinda have to break it up by color blocks, but it's still a million times faster and way less depressing. Seriously, cleaning and typesetting let my mind wander too much.

I currently have two Actions shortcuts to make this process even faster:

1) regular Content Aware Fill

2) Expand by 5px > Content Aware Fill > Deselect

When Content Aware fails, this is when I have to go manual. Clone Stamp is my best friend ever. Carefully select a source with the Alt key, line up the dots over the touchup area (toggle Enter for better viewing), and keep brushing! This can be painstaking, but man, I love seeing and comparing the finished result.

Healing Brush is helpful when you have to clone a pattern but the color is different. It'll preserve the source pattern but adjust the lighting to match the surrounding pixels. It's a lot more finicky and will blur colors *too* much sometimes, especially near borders. This tool's really better on photographs, but it still comes in handy.

(I hear that Patch combines the functionality of these two! I wanna try it out next time...)

When Healing Brush can't blend colors well enough, using Clone Stamp in combination with Dodge (lighten) or Burn (darken), with strength adjusted accordingly, is the next best thing. Burn is GREAT on lines that aren't quite black enough! This technique works wonders when touching up gutter shadows especially. I will spend an exorbitant amount of time on retouching if it means I don't have to rip apart my nice books (that being said, it's important to really gauge whether it's worth retouching in the first place! I waste too much of my time on tiny details that nobody else cares about!!)

If being able to see the printer dots bothers you, there's an easy fix: the Surface Blur filter. This is one I've only discovered recently and I'm still playing around with it. On one hand, it gets rid of the tiny white dots and can make scan images look absolutely magnificent. On the other hand, it has some trouble preserving sharp lines and small highlights. Since I don't like altering the original image too much, the scans I post aren't usually blurred -- but it's something you can try out at home!

Hot damn! Look at the difference! Look at my boy Tenma! You'd hardly guess the condition the original is in!

Note that the final version does not have all the creases removed. At this point I had already spent a couple of hours retouching and decided nobody else was gonna care THAT much about the peripheral damage. If you do care that much, feel free to spend *your* time perfecting this.

3) Melt

Now that the cover's scanned... it's time to toss the book in the microwave!

vimeo

(Pictured is a *different* book, but you get the picture.)

No, seriously. Microwaving is the easiest way to warm up the glue enough to tear the pages out. Or more accurately, gently tug on the pages till they separate from the rest of the bunch. I start from the front cover and tease the pages out one by one. On thicker books, I'll alternate between front and back covers.

I set the initial heating count to 30-50 seconds, and sometimes I turn down the power level if I'm feeling apprehensive. Really gotta play it by ear depending on the book’s size and condition. After tearing out a couple dozen pages, the glue gets cool again and the pages start to resist again. Continuing like this results in the paper tearing!! This is when I chuck the book back in for another 10-15 seconds.

It's a little scary at first, but the toner on the pages heats up too! It doesn't bleed and it shouldn't be *too* hot to the touch though. So it's just something I've had to get used to.

This particular book kinda smelled when I heated it up! I blame either the paper quality or, y'know, being secondhand and maybe not being stored in perfect condition. But the stink was fortunately temporary.

Some people prefer ironing the spine (with a towel over it), but IMO that's more precarious and time-consuming. Maybe it works better for the middle pages though...? Worth trying out someday.

You could just slice out the pages with a knife or something, but with melting, it's possible to rebind the pages later! This is another thing I haven't done myself yet, but I'm excited to try it out with a nice archival glue. I'll update with the results eventually.

So, with the "how" out of the way, "why" would you take apart a book in the first place!? It still feels a little sacrilegious. But scanning pages one at a time gets you the best possible results.

It eliminates three major issues:

1) Gutter shadow

As mentioned before, shadows at the "gutter" (the inside spine) naturally happen because the page isn't lying flat there. It looks bad. And it takes a whole lot of work to retouch.

2) Angled pages

The cousin to gutter shadow, angled pages happen when the spine is a leeeetle more open/closed at the bottom/top. So with a spread, you've got the left page at -1 degree and the right page at .5 degree. Both of these pages are going to have things cut off when they're cropped. And it's going to look very weird when you're flipping through pages and have slightly alternating angles. Rotating these pages so that they're at the same angle is a lot more trouble.

It's really hard to keep the spine open exactly the same way for an entire book! The weight of the scan lid can throw off careful positioning anyway!

3) See-through pages

Manga in Japan is CHEAP and is not printed on the best paper possible. If you have the pages all bundled together, you can see large splotches of black or white from the spread that's behind the page being scanned. Leveling the image can fix this, but it comes at the cost of destroying midtones. Which is to say, any gray in the image becomes off-white or almost-black.

I hope you're beginning to understand how much effort and technical detail goes into the scans you enjoy.

4) Scanning

Same scan settings as the cover (600dpi PNG). I always scan in color, even for grayscale images. And I don't trust the auto settings enough to let the machine fiddle with colors and cropping.

You know how scanners have a little arrow at the corner saying "align here"? Don't do that. The ones I've worked with like to shave off a few millimeters from the edge because they assume there's a margin anyway. So I place my documents about 1cm AWAY from the edge just to make sure the whole page is scanned in. This inevitably causes some slight rotation, which will be fixed later.

A new technique I've learned to reduce the effects of aforementioned see-through pages: use a black background! The toner blends in with the dark backing. This reduces the luminosity of the whites, but that's something that can easily be fixed via leveling later. I do not have black paper around the house, so I resorted to fabric.

For comparison, here's the first page scanned with both a white and a black background. Note that white is slightly brighter, but there are some weird shadowy lines in the background. If you look really hard, the line goes through the screentone on Tenma's hair! Maybe it's excessive, but these tiny details can be weirdly distracting.

This book doesn't have page numbers, so I had to be extra cautious about missing pages (or accidentally dropping the stack)!

5) Leveling

Typically this step is something I leave for last, but since it significantly reduces file size, that's going to make the next steps easier.

So I've mentioned leveling before. But what is it?

Essentially, Levels make black *blacker* and white *whiter*. This is one very easy step to make pages look SO much better.

Switching over to XNView now, I'm setting these pages to about 40-220. Usually this would be a bit too heavy -- this could easily erase something light or turn something dark into pure black. But in this instance, the high dpi means individual screentone dots are visible and any grays are pretty well preserved anyway. So let it rip! XNView batch processing can run through all selected pages all at once and save the leveled copies to a new folder.

There's a ton of dust left still. Leveling gets a *lot* of it, but again, the paper quality is not great in the first place so it's kind of unavoidable. Resizing and cleaning the page later will help somewhat.

6) Rotate

This is the one step I do fully manually. I haven't had much luck with auto deskew/crop before, nor have I tried any different methods for it recently. Please tell me if there's a better way of doing this step that won't sacrifice border pixels.

Anyway, since I scanned slightly away from the edges earlier, the resulting digital image is slightly rotated at a random angle! For some ungodly reason, Photoshop doesn't have a shortcut for custom rotation, nor can you really set an action for it. XNView once again comes in clutch here. The basic steps are:

5a) Click and drag to create a bounding box. This will be used as a guideline to check whether the digital image is actually upright.

5b) Shift-O and test out values from -3 to 3. Ctrl-Z and repeat until it's just right.

After a while, you get a hang for approximate values, but "just right" means getting within .05 of a degree!! Even the untrained eye can tell when something's off by a mite.

5c) Adjust the bounding box's borders to the edges. If the box is aligned to one corner and the adjacent corners *aren't* aligned too, that means you have to rotate until all four corners are aligned. Then crop and save and move onto the next one!

7) Align

This is a new step I've never done before! Given the number and size of pages I'm working with here, I had to think and plan out this process in advance for once. Basically, instead of cropping and resizing each individual file, I load them all in at once so that they're perfectly aligned with each other. This is gonna require a lot of Photoshop automation.

First off, I go to File > Scripts > Load Files into Stack. There are four types of pages here: 1 comic on the left, 1 comic on the right, 2 comics on the left, and 2 comics on the right. This process will have to be repeated for each type so that the automation doesn't get confused. Then we check the "Align Source Images" box and let the process run... for a while.

So now I have a single file with one layer for each of the pages, and the comics themselves are all nicely aligned! Yahoo! The edges are mismatched though, so it's time to crop again. There's gonna be some cutoff but that's acceptable in this instance since I just care about the small comics. If I was doing bigger, full-page manga, I'd probably *add* some margin after cropping.

The pages are approximately a 5:8 ratio, so I've decided to crop these down to 2550 x 4080. To make sure that the comics are at the same distance from the margin regardless of page type, I'm using Guides to roughly estimate the comic positions after cropping. I want them to end up at about 70px and 100px from the horizontal and vertical margins respectively. I could also change the size of the canvas instead of cropping if I really wanted to.

Once I'm satisfied with the cropping, I use the Timeline/Animations window to flip through (at about 0.5 seconds) and check that all of the layers look right. There are a couple tears and visible background instances which are quickly fixed with Content Aware Fill and Clone Stamp. Since the background's black, I even had to temporarily change the Photoshop interface color lighter so that I could detect the imperfections better.

Then at last I go to File > Scripts > Export Layers to Files and... wait for a while again. Now we have separate files! And now I have to repeat these steps all over again for the three other page types!

Lastly, it's time to rename the resulting files in order. I actually screwed up on this step. Photoshop exported all the files *backwards*, which gave me file names like "PSexp0025-InaGo01". This is an issue because it makes batch-renaming via XNView a whole lot harder!! Photoshop automatically adds a numbered prefix to all the auto-exported files, and XNView can't remove wildcards from filenames. The result is weirdly staggered out-of-ordered files. It took some careful manual work to fix this, but at long last, we have a whole folder of 90 beautiful pages!

8) Translate (FINALLY)

You see how long it took to get here!? This took at least six hours for 90 pages. After all that work with the raws, finally I can do something with them!

Guess what! If you have a digital edition, you can skip all of these steps! Instant gratification for five bucks! Buy digital editions when you can and give your money directly to the author!!

Anyway, further stages may be discussed in another post once we get around to them. Lassoing translators and typesetters is its own struggle. I hope you learned something new from this post!

#pyroxenescanning

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kalira · 1 year ago

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I’m not sure I do either, it’ll be an adventure! XD (Actually, have I ever written Toshi POV even briefly before. . . Huh. Kei and Sho, lots, obviously, Shinji, a fair bit, Son, even, now, a solid chunk, I think I have some bits of Yi-Che POV in my files from years ago that never sorted out to go anywhere? but no Toshi? Shame, Kalira!)

Especially though since, yes, I think he has a not only unique but perhaps better perspective of Sho-and-Kei than anyone else, given he was there at the beginning and over the course of Sho growing up (and changing so much!) and Kei’s ever-presence. . .

Son is an interesting reflection on Sho in a number of ways, really. . . And yeah, I always get the feeling it’s been just Son and Yi-Che for A Long Time - and of course even before Yi-Che was attacked, Son would have felt like he had to be the responsible one, even more than any of the boys did for each other. (Even as much as Sho can take on his shoulders about all of his family.) Definitely lacking anyone to look after him and them the way Kei did, even in lesser fashion.

On blood bonding: you know, I haven’t actually considered that far enough tracking out to after Sho is turned. (It’s also quite possible that in a world where such a thing is possible and they have it, things would . . . shake out differently. Sho might not die the way he did - hell, might wind up in that situation at all. Kei might not have left. (Could go really indulgent and save Toshi, too; Sho being even more More Than Human abilities, for example. . .) Depending on the kind of blood bond, Sho might share Kei’s immortality without having to die and be turned. . .)

(Depending on the kind of blood bond, if Kei did leave . . . the bond could be one that can’t fade or be broken, after the initiation - or it could be that it requires regular blood exchanges/contact/biting to keep up, and fade into almost imperceptibility over the years - perhaps just enough that Kei and Sho each know the other is alive, somewhere.) (ANGST.)

(I think that’s the first time I’ve all-capsed ‘angst’ on purpose in ages at least and I’m not even on my phone. Where did you learn that, phone.)

Anyway yes, one could also take the bond to shared telepathy or an empathic bond; for the way I usually write such kinds of bonds . . . feeling one anothers’ emotions is likely, at least. >.>

Yes! It is, in fact, the precise story you asked if a plan for existed under Tending. >.> It did not at the time and it doesn’t yet, but it remains a thing I’m poking at trying to shake out. . . (One of two connected to Tending, actually. I don’t know if they should or even can be combined. XD We’ll see perhaps I guess.)

It would indeed feature Kei hunting down the bottom-feeders who got Sho into trouble and abandoned him . . . and Sho left at home, still battered and limping, probably huffy over this in some ways, perhaps fretting a little over Kei even though he knows Kei is more than capable, only- Kei shouldn’t be out in fights alone either. (Have we learned something, Sho? >.>)

Pouty Sho is just so adorable and fun, especially since he only does it for/towards Kei! (And gosh, yes, I think I have Kei musing/thinking offhand a time or two that it’s good Sho has no idea what his pout is like, esp. as he gets older, or he’d be even more dangerous with it than he already is. That he’s not the kind of boy to Use It that way . . . though, while Kei hasn’t, I wonder if he might - just for Kei, anyway. >.> If he thought of it. . . If he knew what his pout could do to Kei, too. . .)

Me thinking of Kei just like ‘he needs to never learn how to weaponise that pout, I have to be able to tell him no SOMETIMES at least’ even years and years later, with vampire!Sho. XD

Posting scene-by-scene style (structuring a world in separate oneshots in a series rather than a chaptered story) is definitely something I do . . . er . . . frequently. . . Partly for exactly that ability to go back and add things, work out of order, etc. >.>

Son’s POV on Kei and Sho ah delight! *claps* And I love that, them being all over each other even more because of the Heat and Son just what is GOING ON, and of course Sho is just Confused Doge Meme at being asked. XD

Oof, vampire!Sho and the uhhh Growing Pains so to speak. >.> Kei would have to have so many complicated feelings around . . . all of that; though I tend to think where he damns himself for hunting or feeding at all, it’s . . . Different when it’s Sho - isn’t it always different, when it’s Sho? Sho who he not only condemned to this but has put on a pedestal for years?

(Boys I am begging you to have a healthy outlook on something, at least. >.>) (Okay unfair they do on some things, they just also have Many Issues.)

I can definitely see Sho being more careless about hunting almost in a kind of self-destructive spiral for a while there, at least, though. Oof. Plus, he knows more about being a vampire than probably any other new vampire in history, yeah, but . . . it’s still new being on this side of it, and feeling the hunger and the hunting and. . .

I need to do more with vampire!Sho, honestly; it’s very unlike me that I haven’t, in some ways. XD

(You can definitely @ me! I’ll see it either way as long as you are reblogging directly from me, though. I don’t mind either way. X3 I actually have had this up in a tab ~waiting for me to respond~ for, er . . . ah, a week now I guess? Whoop. >.>)

Sleep in the Space Between

T; 620 words Kei & Sho

Kei slips in to bed, sharing a quiet, close moment on the cusp of rest as Sho relaxes, balanced between peace and worries worn soft by years.

A sleepy introspective Sho moment the idea for which was sparked by some conversation with @penguinmusings a while back!

#Moon Child #Kalira rambles #long post #penguinmusings

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tennessoui · 3 years ago

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Pregnancy + secret relationship?? 💗

ok to shake things up a bit and do the unexpected.....

padmé is pregnant but she doesn't know or care who the father is because she has a lot of support from her family and friends and a surplus of money because she's, you know. loaded.

so she can obviously do this herself and she will, but she's very much torn up over who to ask to be godfather of her kid.

(we can make this an au where the godfather term still holds a ton of weight)

so in case something happens to her, she wants to know that the baby would be well taken care of and loved. and she knows two people she wants immediately to be the godfather.

but she's told she can't make obi-wan and anakin both godfather since that really just muddles the legal waters and she does have to choose

so she frets and frets for hours before she shows up at obi-wan's door and he lets her in and anakin's there on the couch drinking coffee,

and she's like 'oh thats super convenient, anakin's here. he should hear this first too. alright im just going to be honest with you. it's about the baby.'

and obi-wan is like 'oh my goodness, is everything okay?' and anakin is like 'oh my god am i the father??'

and obi-wan sharply goes, 'is there a particular reason you think you could be, anakin?'

and padmé thinks thats a pretty harsh abrupt tone and she'd like the attention back on her for this and she knows the way obi-wan and anakin can bicker so she says, 'no first ew second no third, i need to choose between the two of you for godfather and i don't know who to pick.'

cue anakin and obi-wan getting all emotional because awww she was going to choose us??

and obi-wan is like....'wait why can't we both do it?'

and she admits they'd have to be in a relationship

and anakin, afraid his godfather title will be ripped away from him, goes, 'but we are in a relationship'

obi-wan buries his face in his hands and padmé notices the red hickey sucked in the side of his throat behind his ear and oh my god they actually are in a relationship

send me 2 tropes from this list and i'll tell you how i'd combine them in a fic!

#asks #ok THIS is the last one before i go to sleep i promsie #ok so maybe i shoiuld have gone to bed before this i feel like this doesnt make much sense lol #just wanted to shake it up who was having the baby #obikin #i might....just make this ask game a whole tag by itself if people are itnerested in being able to find these without going through #my asks tag #which is a beast unto itself i understand

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spacedikut · 4 years ago

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the very insecure dr reid ; spencer reid

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

summary: “Could you write another fic about early Spence where he’s all insecure” combined with another request :) 5730 words

a/n: title taken from s1e5!! i wrote this months ago aka before i decided to try to make my fics gender neutral and i tried to make the appropriate changes but im also a dumbass so! yeah!

masterlist

Spencer is a man of science, if you didn’t already know.

This means he doesn’t spend his time fretting over what isn’t there, what doesn’t have facts and evidence to back it up. Of course, he dabbles in reading conspiracy theories and enjoys learning about various religions and things of that sort, but these are to expand his already infinite knowledge, not because he particularly believes in them.

The first time he believed there was some kind of God was when you kissed him.

It was after the case where both Elle and Spencer were trapped on a train with a paranoid schizophrenic – he still remembers how you reacted when he agreed to being sent in, how you tried to keep it light-hearted but pulled him aside to solemnly tell him you didn’t think you’d be able to live without him (if you do something rash and stupid, Spencer, I swear to God-). You threatened to nipple cripple him if he did die, and it was weirdly motivating.

After he was checked over, and teased Elle about saving her life, you came crashing into him with an audible oof and a whisper of, “God you smell so good I’m so glad you’re okay don’t ever do that again.” It was probably the adrenaline, the near-death experience high, but instead of gently pushing you away like he’d do with anyone else, he discovers your waist has a wonderful dip that his arms fit perfectly into as he tugs you close.

He’s hugged people before, obviously, but it’s always different with you.

You must think so, too, because when you pull away just enough that you’re still in his arms but can clearly see his face, you take a minuscule intake of breath that Spencer wouldn’t notice if he wasn’t, you know, Spencer.

A strand of Spencer’s hair falls from where it was tucked, falling into his line of sight. Without hesitation you’re pushing it back, fingertips brushing against Spencer’s cheek as you fold the hair back behind his ear. Your eyes meet when there’s no obstruction, electricity crackling in Spencer’s ears when he realises there’s nothing between you, nothing stopping you, and there’s something about the lack of space between you and how he holds you that just makes you ask-

“Would it be weird if I kissed you right now?”

Immediately, Spencer thinks yes. Not because he doesn’t want you to (he couldn’t think of anything better to do, to be honest), or because of where you are (although, knowing the whole team is not far away does make him feel a little funny), it’s because he’s him. Gangly, awkward, with very sweaty hands that feel at home on your body, and you don’t want to kiss that. You can’t want to.

Yet, he shakes his head, and finds himself copying you when you lean in and close your eyes.

It’s short, sweet, and somewhat weird. He thinks he blacks out, loses himself in your lips despite it happening so quickly.

When you pull back, Spencer’s eyes remain closed for a good few seconds before he’s brought back to Earth. And he doesn’t know what to say - pretty people don’t just… kiss him. They certainly don’t ask if they can kiss him, then follow through, and… stare at him like that.

“Has anyone seen Reid? Y/L/N?”

Whatever was supposed to happen after, whether it was good or bad, you’ll never know. Hotch’s footsteps are thundering towards you and, despite your daze, you step away from Spencer just as he spots you.

The second time he believed there was a God, he asked you on a date. And you said yes.

Neither of you mention the kiss. In your defence, he supposes, it happened merely an hour ago – everyone’s rushing to get back to Quantico so no one’s had time to make any kind of small talk, let alone have the talk after a kiss.

Elle gives Spencer a look of confusion when she slides past him, moving into the jet as he hovers in the entryway. He’s obviously waiting for someone, passing out tight lipped smiles to the team when they all squeeze past. Spencer isn’t a big guy, but it’s bizarre for him to be standing there like that, swaying like the palm tree he is – he’s usually setting up for yet another game of chess with Gideon at this moment.

Then you shuffle on, faltering when you catch him waiting for you but smile nonetheless. He straightens, hands remaining in his pockets when his mouth opens to speak. You interrupt him (before he can make a fool of himself, thank God).

“Wanna sit together?” You ask, eyes never leaving his. He nods and follows you like the lost puppy he is.

The second you invite him to sit next to you instead of opposite he wants to pull you tight into his side, but that seems like too much. He’s not Derek, for Heaven’s sake, and you’re not Garcia – all you’ve done is kiss once and really, when he thinks about it, you were probably on an adrenaline high too, so it might’ve been a heat of the moment thing. It happens, Spencer’s read about it, and although it would break his heart that it meant nothing, it’s likely. Oh, it’s so likely.

Spencer might be the first one on the team to cry on the BAU jet.

Halfway home, the team is lost in their own pass-times to notice when you bookmark your page and place your book on the table.

“Spence,” You whisper, testing if he’s awake.

He is. He hasn’t been able to catch a wink of sleep, no matter how hard he tries. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if what I did earlier- you know-“ You gesture vaguely in the air, completely oblivious to the fact Spencer is very familiar with what happened earlier because he can’t stop replaying it, “-If that made you uncomfortable. Or if I forced you, or-“

“Would it be weird if I asked you on a date when we land?”

The grin you send him shoots straight to his heart, eyes crinkling with laughter at his echo of the words you used earlier. If you notice you don’t mention it, but his hands can’t stop fidgeting under the table, slick with sweat.

“It’d only be weird if you don’t kiss me after.” You say.

His brows furrow, a small incredulous laugh leaving him. “What? Why?”

“We’ve already had our first kiss, so it’s out of the way.”

“Are you saying… You want to kiss me again?”

You thought that was obvious from when you kissed him earlier, but you’re happy to remind him. “Yes. I would like that very much.”

“Okay,” He says, bashfully, with a lick of his lips. “I can- I can arrange that.”

This time, when you turn back to your book, your head finds his shoulder and Spencer thinks his it has turned to gold, blessed by being touched by you. Would it be too much if, the second you get back to base, he writes about this moment in great detail to his mother?

+++

All of that leads to now, where The Date is in three days.

He plans to take you to his favourite book café, a place you’ve always wanted to go but never had the chance to, and he was so, so excited. Any time he gets to spend with you is cherished and means more to him than it does to you, because to him it’s an excuse for you to give him more reasons to fall in love with you. And he does - fall in love - every single day.

Was is the important word here. He’s not excited anymore.

It’s terrifying how quick the tides can change.

Just this morning, he was glancing with child-like excitement at the outfit he’s already chosen for the date. You brought him some coffee, whispering an endearing, “Three days!” as you did, and, according to Derek, Spencer’s love eyes (what the hell does that mean) were so big even Derek fell in love with you for a second.

Now, Spencer’s not territorial, but that comment stuck with him. Maybe that’s why he’s here now.

He has to cancel the date.

It pains him – God, does it pain him – but he has to. He can’t go on that date with you. He can’t… put you through that. Make you spend time with him and have to let him down gently, slowly, like you’re talking down a temper tantrum. He can’t then pretend everything’s okay in front of the team. He won’t be able to pretend, because he’s liked you for months.

He won’t force you to go on that date with him. You deserve better than that, and better than him.

That’s what it comes down to: you deserve better than him.

It started that morning with Derek, as previously mentioned. Then the team was whisked away on a case, and the detectives were all over you. JJ, too, but they were too intimidated by Elle and Morgan, who just laughed at their attempts to impress you. It was borderline inappropriate, but you were too concerned with the victims and finding a serial killer to pay some officers and detectives you’ll never see again any attention.

Spencer noticed, though. And he couldn’t concentrate.

The detectives are dressed too well – by that, he means the suits and the Rolex watches are way above their paygrade – and they keep emphasising how good looking you and JJ are and how lucky the BAU is to have such dolls working on the team. What is this, the 40s? Who calls anyone doll anymore? And, yes, the team is very lucky to have you and JJ, but because you’re both great minds and wildly intelligent people that, yes, are also very gorgeous, but your looks aren’t all you have to offer, thank you very much.

There’s a detective approaching you, again, as you stand by the water cooler.

Spencer frantically looks around, trying to find a member of the team. “Morgan!” He weakly calls, because Spencer won’t scare him off. Maybe Morgan can chase them away like they’re stray cats, with his big muscles and scary eyebrows. Or Elle, who earlier merely lifted an eyebrow and the officers scattered like cockroaches.

All he catches of the conversation between you and the model/detective at the cooler is, “I appreciate it, but no thank you,” and that’s all he needs to hear.

He should’ve known someone would eventually make a move. You’ve said no, clearly, and Spencer doesn’t understand why. I mean, yes, he knows why – you have a prior engagement – but the detective… As much as he’s kind of a dick, he complements you better than Spencer does. Physically.

And there starts the spiral.

There must be something in the water, because every officer and detective and everyone in between is in peak physical condition with dashing looks to boot. They’re all straight out of a magazine, as if the popular kids from Spencer’s high school graduated and followed him here to remind him he is incredibly unworthy of you.

Spencer is lanky, unlike the broad men and curvaceous women here, and slicks his hair to the side rather than up like the others. He wears sweater vests, not blazers, and he’s so skinny that his trousers always look like hand-me-downs – nothing is fitted, like so many outfits are here.

They’re all everything Spencer is not. And Spencer is realising, quite quickly, that they’re the better ones – and that’s what you deserve. Better. The best.

It gets worse when they deliver the profile.

He finds his spot next to you, gives you a tight lipped smile, then looks at the outfits of his team compared to his own. Both Hotch and Morgan wear dark suits, well-proportioned and sophisticated in a way that Spencer is sure isn’t even in his calibre. Elle wears a deep green t-shirt, tucked into her tight black pants, and looks wonderfully intimidating with her double gun holster wrapped around her shoulders.

And you. You.

You wear a white shirt tucked into nicely tailored trousers, hair effortlessly styled with a pen tucked behind your ear. You all look like FBI agents. Intimidating. Prepared. Put-together.

Spencer… looks like he’s still in high school. He threatens no one, intimidates no one, and definitely does not make anyone feel inferior with his masculinity. He’s not an alpha male, is what he’s trying to say, and for each person he encounters in this wretched police department he feels himself shrinking.

So when they give the profile, he tries to say as little as possible. Tries to attract as little attention as possible, so when Hotch says his usual, “Thank you.” He can slip away unnoticed and hide from the superior beings.

It works, given everyone is too busy trying to save lives. Except you notice, and Spencer has to pretend he’s okay when you find him at the evidence board and tell him you’re excited for the date. He wants to believe you, truly does, but no matter how hard he digs into his brain to find a part of him that can fathom you see him as a better option than literally anyone else, it doesn’t exist.

You don’t seem to notice. He tells himself he’s glad, but there’s no denying the disappointment.

+++

Hotch calls it a night when the clock nears midnight. He says the team should get as much rest as possible and come in with fresh eyes tomorrow – despite this, the team knows most if not all of them will get little to no sleep, given that they’ll all be going over everything they’ve got so far in their hotel rooms.

You slink up to Spencer, a pep in your step even though you’re running on pure caffeine and nothing else. It’s then Spencer realises he has to do it now, because if he does it in the police department then he’ll be called unprofessional, but if he waits any longer than that he’ll be cutting too close and that’s a bad look.

“Y/N,” He says, coming to a stop before the elevators, allowing the rest of the team to head up. “I need to say something.”

You nod with a smile, covering a cute yawn when he takes a couple seconds to gather his thoughts.

You’re not sure what he’s gonna say, but you assume it’ll be to do with the date. Maybe a change of time, or a change of venue – he did mention the library café can get super busy on weekends – or, worst case scenario, the date will have to be postponed for whatever reason. And none are particularly bad, because you’re excited and just want to be with Spencer – it doesn’t matter if it’s not when he originally planned or where he originally planned.

But Spencer has always unwittingly been full of surprises.

“We can’t go on that date.”

Instantly you ask, “Why not?”

“Well-“ He seems caught off guard, like he wasn’t expecting you to question the sudden change of heart, “It’s complicated-“

“I’ve got time.”

“We should go to sleep-“

“Is it your mother?”

“No. No, it’s not.” Of course you look empathetic when you consider his mother might need him – a stab to the start. Add in the flicker of concern in your eyes – two stabs to the heart. “It’s not her. It’s- it’s nothing. Just, can we cancel?”

“And reschedule?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

The disappointment is clear on your face and makes Spencer feel so guilty, but not guilty enough to take it back. You’re not disappointed that you’re missing out on dating him, you’re frustrated that you’ve been building up to having plans on the weekend and they’ve suddenly been cancelled without reason. By Spencer, of all people. In a couple months’ time you’ll thank him, when you’re dating some bodybuilder who can grow a mean beard. You’ll thank him for not making you go on that date with him and forcing you to tell him you’re just not my type, Spence, and making everything awkward.

He can’t look at you. Maybe that’s why he misses the genuine sadness, the sudden glassiness of your eyes that humiliates you enough to make you angry. His words have ignited a fire in your chest that burns through your body like you’re made of gasoline, and you wish you could turn your thoughts off so you don’t start questioning how long he’s been wanting to reject you, if he even wanted to date you in the first place, how embarrassing it is to have been so openly eager when, apparently, he was very much not.

“I’m sorry.” He says, like it’ll do anything. He still can’t look at you and he feels like a coward.

“Yeah.” You sniffle.

He decides to take the stairs. You head for the bar, just for one drink.

+++

The following day, when an officer tries to talk to you, you blatantly ignore him. You tell him that unless it’s work-related, you’re really not interested, and word spreads quick that your pleasantries have died out and you’re not in the mood to tolerate creepy compliments.

There’s a permanent frown on your face that haunts Spencer the entire day. He knows exactly what’s going on – it’s his fault, after all – and he finds himself simultaneously avoiding you whilst witnessing your downcast mood.

Morgan starts investigating not long after you barely react to his terrible joke. He makes them for you, because you either choke on laughter or throw your pen at him, but this time it was like you weren’t even in the room. When Morgan poked you and asked if you heard him, your lacklustre reply was, “Hm? Yeah, good one.”

Morgan perches on the desk Spencer’s using. “You got any idea what’s going on with Y/N?”

“They’re mad at me.”

“You’re the reason they’re like this?”

Spencer doesn’t physically react, just says, as casually as possible, “Unless another person asked them on a date then cancelled without reason, then yes. It’s my fault.”

There’s no point in lying. Especially to Derek. Spencer doesn’t know how you’ll go about explaining your sudden poor mood, if you’ll curse his very existence or lie about it, but Spencer’s never been a good liar and the sooner everyone knows it’s his fault and he sucks, the better.

Morgan leans forward, attempting to make eye contact with the doctor who very much does not want to. “There’s a story there.”

“Obviously.”

“…You wanna go ahead and explain it?”

“Not really.”

“Alright,” Derek shrugs, “You stir in your sadness and continue being a sourpuss, I’ll go check up on Y/N and find out what really happened.”

Derek’s barely moved off the table when Spencer stops him, voice small like a child, “Wait, Morgan, I-“

You walk past then, too focused on a suspect list faxed in by Garcia to pay attention to anyone else. Spencer’s eyes follow you the whole time, and the look in Spencer’s twinkling eyes make Morgan slump back onto the table in realisation.

“Why’d you cancel, Reid?”

“I had to.”

“You had other plans?”

Spencer chews his bottom lip. “No. But I… I couldn’t take them on a date.”

Derek waits for him to elaborate.

“Have you seen the kind of guys hitting on them?” Spencer asks, scooting his chair closer so no one can eavesdrop. “They’re all… They’re- they’re like you, Morgan. All cool and put-together and actually look their age, for one, and I’m not that. I could never be that – and that’s what Y/N wants-“

“Have you asked them that?”

“No. But I’m a profiler, in case you forgot, and I think it makes sense that these big-shouldered, super muscly guys are all over-“

“But you haven’t actually asked them what they want.”

“No.” Spencer sighs, leaning back in his chair.

“That’s your first, and most vital, mistake, my man.”

Spencer purses his lips, catching you watching him over Derek’s shoulder. You immediately look away, shooting off to the evidence room as an escape, and Spencer’s cheeks burn with guilt and embarrassment.

He can’t believe he thought he had a chance with you.

“I feel like this should be obvious, Genius, but Y/N said yes to a date with you, then turned down every offer that came from someone that wasn’t you-“

“That’s because they already made plans with me and they’d feel terrible if they had to cancel for another, better offer. I made it easier for them.”

Derek gives him such an incredulous look Spencer wonders if he should burn his PhDs. “Are you serious?”

The crestfallen expression on Spencer’s face is enough of an answer.

“Come with me.”

“What?”

“C’mon,” Derek tugs Spencer up from his chair. “I need to show your dumb ass something.”

All that’s missing is classic spy music when Derek and Spencer sneak into the conference room the BAU is using. Only Hotch is in there, scribbling something down, barely glancing up when the two agents creep in like they’re on a mission.

Spencer doesn’t say anything until Derek reaches for your bag. “Whoa- Morgan-“

“Relax.”

Spencer just stares, brows halfway down his face, and watches silently.

“That’s they’re journal, Morgan, you can’t just read it-“

“It’s not, pretty boy.”

Hotch watches the interaction, mildly confused, then nods to himself when he realises what Morgan’s holding.

Morgan splays the journal on the table in front of them, flipping through pages with precision like it’s his notebook and not yours. When he lands on his desired page, it’s slid towards Spencer.

He reads it.

The Doctor Spencer Reid cheat sheet. (Because I do not have an eidetic memory and feel bad whenever I forget something he tells me)

He’s too stumped by the words cheat sheet to look further, so Derek does it for him, flipping to the next page where very basic information about Spencer sits – full name, date of birth, hometown. As he looks to the page next to it, he realises it’s full of his favourite things – favourite coffee, favourite candy (which has multiple answers, by the way), even favourite pair of socks. Like a switch has been flipped, Spencer comes to life, frantically switching between pages that are overflowing with facts and tidbits about him, from his favourite monologue from his favourite film to his favourite shelf in his apartment. All things he’s told you either in passing or when he’s confided in you at random times, you’ve taken note. You’ve listened, and for some reason you’ve written it all down so you’d never forget.

“What…What is this?”

“It’s everything there is to know about you, Reid.” Derek watches as Spencer slips through the rest of the book, filled with random to-do lists and phone numbers of various people, looking for the same information about the rest of the team. “There’s only one for you, you know. And if you ask me it’s a little creepy, but it’s saved our asses when it’s come to buying gifts for you a good few times.” He slaps a hand on his friend’s shoulder, smirking at how Spencer’s awe-filled eyes never leave the pages before him. “They care about you a lot, Reid. More than you think. So…”

“I need to talk to them.”

“Yes, idiot, you do.”

+++

That night, Elle and Derek invite you to join them for some drinks at the bar, promising they won’t let it escalate to arm wrestling and childish bets like they always do. Even though they make a compelling argument, add on that you’re stressed and upset and really, really want to forget emotions exist more than anything else, you’re half tempted to accept and lose yourself in some cocktails.

Then you spot Spencer talking in hushed tones with Gideon and everything comes flooding back. So you tell Elle to have a drink for you, please don’t make a ruckus when she gets back to your shared room, and bid them adieu.

In your room, you distract yourself by renting one of your favourite movies. It’s overpriced, and a part of you wants to look over the case files again, but being sad and burnt out won’t lead to any good outcomes.

It’s a futile attempt at switching your brain off so you don’t have to think about how excited you were for the date. You’ve had twenty-four hours to get over it, but every time you see him you’re thrown back into the bitterness you feel – bitter that you fooled yourself into thinking it’d work out, bitter that your hopes were so high, bitter that you let your feelings for Spencer become such a big part of your life.

You’re lying on your scratchy hotel bed, thinking about Spencer and how he’s going to be complaining to Morgan about said scratchy beds, when there’s a knock at your door.

Naturally, you assume its Elle. She reminds you so much of your older sister who used to slide you some money so you’d stay up late into the night and quietly let her back into the house after she’s sneaked off to go to a party – except Elle is probably swaying outside your hotel room after losing her keycard rather than swaying on your doorstep.

So when you open the door, teasing quip ready, you legitimately choke when you’re faced with a fidgety Spencer Reid.

He tries to ignore how the way your face drops when you realise it’s him feels like a punch to the gut.

“Hey-“

“No.”

“Oh.”

“You-what-“ He’s never seen you so flustered. “Are you lost?”

Just in case, Spencer leans back to check the number beside your door is in fact 208. It is, and he turns back to you, “Please don’t slam the door in my face.”

It slips out. “I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise your pretty face.”

You’re humiliated that he has this effect on you, the ability to obliterate all your filters and common sense just by existing. But the look on his face alleviates the want to jump out of the window – his mouth opens, twitching into the smallest, most bashful smile before it falls and morphs back into disbelief. You just… You just called his face pretty, a word that makes some feel emasculated but no, never with you. You compliment people and mean it, which makes Spencer’s guilt worsen and the urge to tell you he loves you with his entire heart more intense.

You speak at the same time.

“Why are you-“

“I wanted to-“

You roll your lips together, holding back a smile, and nod for him to go on. He does the same, so you shake your head with a, “I was just asking why you’re here.”

He holds up a finger, signalling one moment, and opens his satchel to start rummaging in it. “I know this is a complete invasion of privacy, and theft, really, but Morgan showed me it and I just- Why do you have this?”

You gasp.

In his hand is the journal you’ve been working on since a month into your employment at the BAU. The gifted notebook was initially used to jot down any bits of advice your superiors gave you (on your first day, Elle gave you a list she lovingly titled “If I wasn’t an FBI agent I’d sock these people in the mouths”) but, before you knew it, it had an entirely different purpose.

It started when you witnessed Derek stumble when asked Spencer’s favourite colour, to which he said no one remembers stuff like that! Aptly followed by Spencer reeling off everyone’s preferred colours (even delving into second favourites and favoured colour schemes) and you realised then that… Spencer’s whole life, he’s remembered so much about the people around him and very rarely have they returned the favour. So, in an attempt to build friendship and because you had the fattest crush on him already, you started the Spencer Reid cheat sheet.

You didn’t think he’d ever see it, even if it’s always used by the team on various occasions. It was the team’s little secret, bar Spencer, that assisted in nearly every decision made on Spencer’s behalf – what to order from restaurants, drinks, birthday and holiday gifts, how to comfort him when he’s stressed or upset.

The responses vary. Derek thinks it’s weird, as did Elle at first, but JJ and Garcia insist its sweet and, really, no matter what they think they’ve all come running to you when time has called for it.

“How… Did you steal it?”

“Yes,” He tells you, guiltily, “I had to read it – it’s incredibly accurate, by the way.”

You don’t know if that’s a compliment or not.

“So… Why?”

“I don’t know,” You say, a bold-faced lie and Spencer can tell, but he lets you continue, “You remember everything about everyone else, so I wanted to… do the same for you, I guess.”

“I have an eidetic memory.”

You airily laugh – does he think you forgot that? “I know that. Doesn’t it get tiring recalling all this information about your friends and not having it reciprocated?”

He clicks his tongue at that, eyes falling back to the notebook in his hands that he fiddles with while he thinks. It is tiring, he supposes, but that’s how it’s always been. He remembers everything, the people around him just… don’t. He realised at a young age that he’ll often have to remind himself that friendship isn’t measured by what they remember, but by other ways – like this. You, with your unassuming journal that is full of things Spencer assumed no one would ever care to remember.

You, with your tensed jaw and fluttering eyes because you’re embarrassed.

You, who’s done quite possibly the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for him, and it’s been happening for years right under his nose.

You, who he cancelled a date with because he was so sure you were dating him out of pity, out of obligation after he asked and you felt forced to say yes, but now he realises you care about him just as much as he cares for you.

Touched feels like an understatement.

“Y/N…”

“If you find it weird, I’ll burn it the second we get home. Pretend it never happened, we can… discuss a restraining order if we must-“

“Y/N.”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“Oh.”

He smiles at you, hands tight on the book in his hands, smiles so big that his eyes crinkle and his teeth show and he looks gorgeous. It tugs directly on your heart strings and just for a second you forget that he cancelled your date, forget that you’ve been pining for years, and bask in the warmth that radiates from him.

“This is… Insane, really.” He laughs, “But also so… so cool. I don’t deserve this, at all, and to think we could’ve gone on a date but I chickened out-“

“What?”

He shrugs with faux-nonchalance. “The-um- the reason I took back the date was because I think you deserve so much better than me. In a, you deserve someone like all the police officers down at the PD, kind of way. I don’t want a pity date-“

You scoff, then with an indignant, “Come in here,” You grab Spencer’s satchel and tug him into your hotel room, closing the door with a forceful push as he turns to face you.

With your hands on your hips, you stare him down with furrowed brows and a look that screams really? “Is that really what you think, Spence? It was a pity date?”

“Well, yeah,” He tells you. The conviction in his voice is so strong that, if you weren’t this riled up, you’d probably tear up at how sure he sounds.

You give another scoff. “Not only am I offended you think I’d do that to anyone, but I’m also mad that you don’t see how I look at you! Spencer, I’ve been into you since I started working here-“ His mouth falls open. You’re exasperated. “-and the notes were a way to get to know you, yes, but they were also because I couldn’t stop watching you and had to play it off like I was doing it for a reason. You’re my favourite, Spencer.”

His heart aches a little, full of such a tenderness he’s never quite felt before. He feels loved, and so, so touched that someone would put so much effort into getting to know him and… years. Literal years you’ve liked him, and he’s been blind to it.

“I like you a lot.” You’re breathless after your little speech, “And if you still don’t want that date, that’s okay. But I like you, Spence, I really like you.”

Your gaze never wavers. Spencer wants to scoop you up and place kisses all over. For the first time in a while, he feels worthy. Like what you’re saying isn’t being said for the sake of it, because you’re his friend and you have to support him, but because it’s what you genuinely think and feel and Spencer might be in love.

He swallows deeply before speaking.

“I really like you, too, Y/N. And I’m-I’m sorry that I cancelled the date and- I should’ve talked to you, maybe, before doing it, but… We’re here now, right?”

“You want to have a date right now?”

Thumbing through the book, he says, “Actually, there’s some blanks in here I’d like to fill, if you’re not busy…”

You’re very clearly on board with the suggestion, basically skipping to your bed, plopping down and patting the space beside you with a grin. “I’m not busy at all, Doctor Reid. Tell me everything I don’t already know.”

So he does, thigh pressed against yours and blush on his cheeks when you let your head fall onto his shoulder.

The night is spent giggling over the most random information you’ve gathered, correcting only one mistake (his favourite socks change every week, not your fault), and adding onto the already plentiful fact file.

And the date that weekend happens, ending in a sweet kiss on your doorstep that leaves you both with shy smiles and thundering hearts.

It’s the first date of many, followed by the creation of a new journal full of all there is to know about your and Spencer’s relationship.

+++

tags: @pinkdiamond1016 @bluerose512 @andreasworlsboring101 @bitchyreids @roses-and-grasses @ta-ka-shi-ma @chiffonchronicles @rexorangecouny @unmistakablyunknown @goofygubler14 @jasongideonapologist @gublertoon @averyhotchner

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #i tried to write the first half in the past tense but i got confused so sorry if the tenses r weird

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blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk · 1 year ago

Note

What do you think of Soulmate AU with the Grimm Reapers where every person is born with a symbol/tattoo that changes color according to your soulmate mood and will start glowing once you meet them. When your soulmate d*es, the tattoo loses color and turns grey. Now imagine your tattoo is already grey from the moment you're born (since Reapers commited s******) meaning your soulmate d*ed before you were even born! Everyone feels sorry for you but you accepted the fact. But one day, your tattoo unexpectedly starts to glow!

aaaaaaaa it makes me cry, is what I think!! so obviously I had to write it XD

and you don't have to put asterisks like that with the words, tbh; while I do tag triggers when I can, replacing letters like that makes it more difficult for blacklist to catch it. I've had my own issues with it, as well as reading others' thoughts.

for example, typing out "suicide" will cause blacklist to catch it, so that any post with the full word "suicide" will be blocked if someone has "suicide" blacklisted. if you type "s******" or "su*cide" or any combination of asterisks replacing letters, blacklist will not catch it, and people who actually have "suicide" blacklisted might see the post since it won't be blocked. if you want to make sure that people who have a word blacklisted won't see a post like this, don't replace letters with asterisks, just type the whole word and blacklist will catch it!

ok PSA over, now onto, THE REAPERS MY LOVES-

He’s… a little sad for you, that you lived so much of your life thinking you’d be alone forever. Even though he knows people are born alone and die alone, they shouldn’t live alone. He always knew he’d have someone, based on his own tattoo, but you must have been so worried. As soon as the two of you meet, he apologizes for what he’s done to himself, because it led to you suffering and wondering and feeling like something wasn’t right. However, now the two of you have found each other; even if his afterlife ends up being cut short by his illness, he intends to spend the rest of it getting to know you. And… hopefully you’re happy getting to know him.

As much as he regrets what led you to him, he’s grateful he found you. At some points, he would stare at his own tattoo and will it to turn grey, simply so he could know you would stop being tortured by the thought that he was dead. (And stop eating at him with guilt, knowing that he’d doomed you before you were even aware of him.) You didn’t let the so-called impossibility stop you, and… he found you, at last. It’s… okay, that it’s him you ended up with? You’re not disappointed? Well. At least now the two of you can be together without any cares. Now that he has you, he promises, he’ll do anything for you.

Goodness, it’s about time you showed up! They’ve been waiting for you, you know? Of course… they know they haven’t done themself any favors. Unfortunately. By killing themself before they could meet their soulmate, they’ve effectively made you think you’re never going to find them. They’ve been watching their own tattoo daily, excited by your feelings of passion when it turns red and wanting to rip apart whatever made you sad when it turns blue. And here you are, at long last! They’re ever so delighted that you didn’t give up looking for them. You held out hope for them, and now they get to be with you. It’s like a fairytale, and now they get to live with you, happily~ ever~ after~

That’s just his luck, isn’t it… that he’s fated to have died before his intended ever existed. He’s angry at himself that he took his life away, but he can’t help thinking — would he have had someone else if he didn’t? If he stayed alive, would he simply have no soulmate at all, because there would be no way to be with you if he hadn’t died? It makes his head spin and he loves it, some unknowable questions to ponder over. He’s overjoyed that he finally gets to have you, though, so as long as the two of you are together, he doesn’t fret over what might have happened. As long as he isn’t a letdown to you, he’s glad that things eventually ended up where they did. You’re the best puzzle of his life, and even if he never figures you out… he loves the adventure of trying.

God, he was starting to think he’d never get to be with you. And here come to find, you thought you were fated to be alone from the start? He’s gone through so many people trying to see who it was who was his. Countless one-night stands, endless breakups when it became clear he wasn’t compatible… there’s never any way to know for sure. He’s been lonely, searching for you. There’s a little guilt that you had to live for so long feeling lonely too… though, now that you’re together, he’s prepared to thoroughly enjoy being with you. He’ll show you the best of this life that he has to offer, if you’ll let him!

Damn, did you really wait all this time for him? Instead of just going off and trying to find someone else? He held out for you because he knew you were alive, but if he thought his soulmate was dead… he would probably give up on the idea entirely. A person only gets one, right? He’s disappointed in himself that he made you wait, that you almost certainly felt isolated and pitied and a million other things. It’s bullshit, and he’s the one who put you through it by killing himself. Then again, it may not have worked out this way if he hadn’t, so… it’s complicated. If nothing else, he’s thankful he’s met you at last; he thoroughly teases that now he has even more of a reason to want to be done with work.

You must have known they would find you soon enough! You never gave up hope, ja? Here they are with you now! It’s not something that they really like thinking about in general; the fact that they took their own life. It’s worse that doing so led to you thinking you were destined to be alone forever, so it’s something they have to confront particularly after first meeting you. They’re… sad that what they did led to you suffering. They never wanted to hurt anyone but themself. Even then, it’s… ugh. It’s a lot. They’re just so happy that you’ve found them now, that finally they have their beloved! You must have been so lonely, so they plan to make up for lost time. They also take all the photographs of you, wanting to have as many as they can. They’re so excited to start building a life with someone!

This is… it’s real, at last? After waiting for so long, the two of you have finally found each other? He was starting to think it would never happen, that even though his own tattoo proves otherwise, he was doomed to be alone. So many people he’s seen die, so many he’s lost, and none of them have been the one. The very first one he lost drove him to kill himself out of grief, and… it’s infuriating, that this was the thing that would lead him to meet you. He’s waited so long for you, and you’ve been in so much pain just like him, because you thought for most of your life that he was dead and would stay dead. But… he’s here now, love. He’s here. You’ll never be alone or doubt his love again.

It’s not any great surprise, is it, that what he did begets ever more punishment? It’s just a tragedy to him, that his actions led to you being punished. You’re the one who’s been hurt and has thought that the person you were meant to be with was someone you’d never meet. He’s not happy with himself, that you’ve been through so much and it’s his fault. All he can do now that he’s together with you is try to make sure the rest of your life is better than what came before. Even though he works a lot, surrounded by reminders of death, he’s with you as much as he possibly can be. Any time that isn’t taken by his job is yours. While he may not be overly emotional… there’s no denying that he loves you, that he’s glad to have you, and that he’ll do anything to make sure you know it.

#suicide tw #Black Butler #Kuroshitsuji #Alan #Eric #Grell #Othello #Ronald #Rudger #Sascha #Undertaker #William #reaction #romantic #soulmate AU #drama #hurt/comfort #MY HEAAAAAART!!#one hell of a queue

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