#cleaning is good for me because as long as i accomplish the tasks i am okay and i can do them in any order i want

[dreambunnynotes]

daily reflection: nov. 16th ❤︎

good morning lovely friends! here is what i accomplished and what i could have improved today, to hold myself accountable. it was really effective for me to know that i had posted my goals list on tumblr yesterday where others could see it; whenever i felt like giving in to my adhd brain that tells me that tasks are to be feared, i would simply remember that i had kind folks online who were interested in seeing me succeed hehe, it helped me so much! here is my first day ❤︎

accomplishments:

i completed all of my cleaning goals and more! it turned into a deeper clean than i thought it would be which felt really nice (and is usually how it goes once i get cleaning). it's so lovely to be able to start fresh with a clean working and sleeping space; it's so much easier to feel inspired, be productive, and take care of yourself when your environment is as ready for you as you are for it!

i wasn't going to complete all of my texting and calling tasks, BUT I DID! these types of tasks are the hardest for me to get done because i have pretty intense social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria, and communicating with others both online and offline takes a lot of mental preparation and energy for me. but i did it, and i am so, so proud of myself! in fact...

self-compassion:

not only did i accomplish my original communication goals, i also ended up replying to two friends i hadn't seen in a long time, even though i was anxious! both of them were at my sister's show last night and i was so surprised to see them and a couple of other friends that i had to go have a bathroom cry from the anxiety lol. i had so many emotions coming up; the first was sadness and shame seeing that they had all come in a group together and that i wasn't with them. i joined them two seconds after i saw everyone, but the sadness was still there because i was positive they would have invited me into the group earlier if i had been less isolated this last year, which is where the guilt came in. i realized i had been isolating from my friends for so long out of fear that i wasn't wanted, didn't provide anything to them, and that maybe i didn't have people i liked being around after all, but that is so, so far from the truth; i do have friends who love me and who i love, and all of them were so loving, so kind, and actually sent me messages after the show telling me how much they loved me and how happy they were to see me! it made me cryyyy and feel so many feelings. i have plans to see them next week, and i actually feel like i'm overcoming my isolation era at long last; i'm really proud of myself for having self-compassion and using tools i've learned in therapy to better my life! :')

my next step is to learn more about and overcome this shame i have around letting my friends love me for who i am; the only way to learn more about it is to actually make plans to see friends and be vulnerable; wish me luck 😭💗

improvements to make:

as for my other tasks; i cleaned out one of my emails, but i have so many email accounts that it felt a little bit lacklustre to call that an accomplishment. today i'd like to break down how big the task of consolidating my digital life will actually be so that i can take measurable and consistent steps towards completing my goal (writing that sentence is baffling me right now - bunny from a few days ago never would have realized how much writing out her goals could help her in being less afraid of them! this feels like a huge accomplishment for my adhd brain!)

today felt like a really successful day, and i'm super proud of myself! this was only the beginning of what i actually want to accomplish in a day, but it was such a great way to try it out. i'm excited to see where this journey takes me and how these daily checklists and reflections will affect my productivity; they already have helped so much! if you've made it to the end of this, thank you for taking the time to read about my day, it means so much to me! lets try our best to have another successful day! ❤︎

[pbandjesse]

Today wasn't a terrible day. I don't feel as bad as I did. But I did a ton while I was feeling okay. Which I think just made me exhausted. But James is on their way home and I'm excited to see them. And then go to sleep.

I slept. Okay. I have decided to give myself an extra 10 minutes for every time I have to get up to pee so I woke up at 730. Which was fine. I wasn't in a rush and would still get to camp much earlier then anyone else.

James made us breakfast. And after I got dressed I came downstairs to sit with them. They were going to go to work at noon because of evening hours. And so we weren't in a rush. And James would get some tasks done in the house this morning which was nice to come home too.

It was raining this morning. And the drive in to camp sucked. It was a deeply unpleasant drive. I think I am almost getting car sick. Plus the windshield wipers. And the fog. And the rain. And the flashing lights. It was not a fun drive at all.

I arrived at camp in one piece. And collected my stuff to go inside. I brought the bear I have in the teddy bear hospital so I could brush them out. Which took most of an hour but I think they look great. I also checked in with the owner about the nose I have, to make sure she's happy with the size and color. I am going to work on the embroidery for the eyes tomorrow, but I needed to go to Michael's to color match the floss. But I felt like I was making great progress, and the owner is very happy so far.

I was finishing that up as Sarah came in. She laughed at my small umbrella. Yes it's child sized but it's a perfectly fine umbrella. But then everyone else teased me too! Lou said that it's elf sized, and Heather was like it's because Jesse is small!! And it was very silly. I was being roasted!

I would work on a few small things. I finished going through the York county private schools and then worked on a infographic for bracelet making for next week. Which honestly was my favorite thing I worked on today.

I also started working on a PowerPoint of things to know at camp. Slang and location and FAQ. I will need to sit down with Heather or someone to fill it out more. But it's a good start.

I took a walk up to arts to work on taking all the bracelet string out of its packaging. And counting out the looms. I had 83. I need 140. I would get 29 more cut out in the afternoon, working until my hands hurt. But I was glad I was able to get some stuff done.

I didn't want to ask for more tasks. I will probably ask tomorrow. But today I would just try and work on my own stuff. I did some research for programs for next year. I looked through some schedule stuff. I went and laid on the picnic table in the art building when I started not feeling good. I thought being flat for a bit would help and it did. But I was just. Done.

I was able to hold it together until right after 2. So I let Alexi know I was tired and she told me to go home and get some rest.

I did not exactly do that though. I went to hunt valley and got yarn at Michaels. I color matched the embroidery floss. I looked at all the Halloween stuff. And then after I paid, I dropped off my purchases and tried looking around HomeGoods. But it was overly packed and made me stressed so I left.

I went to goodwill next. But same problem. It was a mess, with carts everywhere. And I saw one thing I wanted but got stressed out and left pretty quickly.

I wanted to eat something. I thought I would go to Chipotle. I was practicing driving without the GPS and was able to get myself all the way to our neighborhood and to the chipotle but I changed my mind and went to five guys instead.

And honestly I'm glad I did. I would end up giving me a few hours of solid energy. I knew that as long as I didn't sit down when I got home I could accomplish a bunch.

And I did! I got home and would jump into putting things away. Cleaning the aquarium. Taking Crabcake out to walk around the studio while I worked on resetting his space. I put the dishes away. I took Ruby the Roomba upstairs. I got a package with another style of baby carrier. Which is accidently cut when I opened it but it's minor and fixable. I was going going going.

I got frustrated when I saw a shelf of paint in the studio has fallen and when I went to try and fix it, that shelf and the self below it both collapsed and everything went everywhere. So I was very upset about that.

There was nothing I could do in that moment though. I put things in baskets and put it to the side. The shelf would have to be repaired later I guess.

Instead I went and fed Sweetp dinner. And went to the basement to tidy up down there. I changed out the shelf next to the dryer, and tried putting things away where I could. We need another set of shelves down there but I think I did a pretty good job with what I had to work with. It's not perfect but it's something. I will need James help with some of the stuff I want to move but I am still proud of the work I put in.

I started sorting the sweaters. Which was still really stressful but I put some to the side and put the for sure keeps away. I still want to figure something out because I still have to many. But I tried.

I was getting overheated and I felt gross. So around 6 I took a cool bath. It helped. I left the AC on in our bedroom. And so when I got out of the bath I was able to just chill and it helped a lot.

I would have some leftover lasagna. And hung out with sweetp in our room. Watched videos and just enjoyed resting.

I'm laying on the couch now. James just got home and they are going to attempt to figure out fixing the shelf that broke. I love them for trying.

I am going to go give them a smooch and go upstairs to sip some water and get ready to sleep. I hope you all have a good night. Sleep well everyone. Have a nice day tomorrow.

[danpuff-ao3]

Self-Celebration

me: oh no, I've gotten nothing done, I'm a failure

them: wow, Danni, how do you do so much????

I, maybe, need a good reminder of all of my accomplishments, so here we go. Everything I've accomplished this year so far. That I remember, anyway.

Threw together my HP Astro series; edited and formatted and posted to AO3 in time for Bethy's birthday!

Got White Lies & Silver Bells ready to go live on AO3 as soon as Hoggywartyxmas reveals were up!

Wrote Again (and Again) on a whim, to accompany A-Loveunlaced's Snarry art

Wrote a BUNCH of random drabbles for a House of Snarry challenge. 6 of which I also posted to AO3! (A handful of which I have not yet.)

Wrote 5 fics for Kinkuary! 2 of which are in the same universe as Contempt. 2 of which are not yet posted (waiting for the 27th and 28th!) 1 of which (the longest of which) I wrote, edited, and posted same day! The day after I had a tooth extraction.

Wrote 3 fics for Chan Fest! All of which I wrote, edited, and posted same day. 2 of which are 5k+ words!

Various words in various other places.

Brainstorming for other fics.

Co-modding @hp-chan-fest

Starting @hp-fruit-fest (and running solo, RIP me)

Modly duties on the Snarry Sanctuary Discord server

Keeping on top of my AO3 comments! (You know, responding to them.)

New HP Astro posts (Lily, Snily, Luna, and Ron (to be posted 3/1/23!))

Made several ship and fic related playlists on Spotify

Made TONS of fic banners on Canva.

Several rec lists! 8 posted so far, and a few queued up!

Got my home office all set up and cozy!

Brainstorming ideas with friends

Helping alpha/beta/cheer read for friends

Try to stay involved in the community/socializing on Discord, Tumblr, Twitter, Reddit.

Supporting other creators as much as possible!

Finally took the time to learn how to create work skins on AO3!

And site skins!! And finally got all fic stats and personal stats hidden (for mental health!)

Fought with site skin codes on behalf of a friend, to get it tuned to her liking, so that she has a clean and stress-free environment if/when she returns to fandom! (The perks of having your friends' AO3 login haha!) (This took like an hour I stg and I was being way too stubborn to stop fiddling and consult a guide.) (But oh well, I did the dang thing!!!!)

Started compiling resources I need to begin book binding! Still a ways off before I can start cuz supplies are not cheap, but I'm on the right path!

ALSOOOOO

Working a full time job

Spending time with my longtime partner (my beloved Eddie-bear!)

I actually watched a still-newish show for once! Wednesday!

Finished reorganizing/decluttering my home

Baked...a lot. Mostly cookies. Going to bake brownies this weekend!

Many doctor's appointments

And medication changes

I filed my taxes!!

Oh yeah and started being a teensy bit more sociable at work! I had a nice long conversation about ASTROLOGY the other day which was fun and great and awesome.

Oh let's not forget about all my work accomplishments! I made 8 years with my company. All the people coming and going (which I get to deal with.) Our census going way up. Many IT calls and playing IT person for small tech problems. Many errands run. Oh yeah and all the new tasks I get to do because our funder and our corporate office BOTH love changing expectations frequently.

So like...there's stuff I wish I could do and haven't been able to yet. But I'm far from a failure! Or lazy, for that matter. I am a lady of ACCOMPLISHMENT.

[9w1ft]

Hi, this isn't really a Kaylor ask but as someone who has been following your blog for a long time, I was wondering if you could give me any advice about work-life balance?

Not just work and life, but also a wide variety of things — health, fitness, hobbies, social life, personality improvement, etc.

It feels like whenever I try to focus on one aspect of my life, I end up neglecting the others and so I'm always returning to square and moving very slowly ahead. But I'm also not good at multitasking or routines. Am I the only adult who's not able to get their life together even though it shouldn't be that hard? :(

hey! oh wow last night i was having dinner with a preschool mom friend of mine and we were talking about how hard this is!

i definitely don’t have a complete answer for you because i’m an entire work in progress 😭 and also everyone is gonna be a little different based on personality and life situation, but, here are some things that have worked for me. maybe something resonates for you!

i think one reason why i adopted the tea habit for me—aside from wanting to clean out my cabinets— was because i wanted to have a small victory for myself each morning. with habit building, some people will drink a glass of water first thing in the morning, or do a quick breathing exercise while still in bed… sometimes people do mantras or self affirmations. in essence, it’s something that you can set yourself up to complete with very minimal effort, and that will help you start off your day with a small sense of accomplishment. i’m a simple person… when i feel productive at the start of my day, im more likely to have a productive rest of the day 😆 and i can trick myself to feel productive simply by pressing a button on a tea kettle first thing every morning!!

alright, so, as for balance.. i think it’s important to recognize that work-life balance is less about achieving a perfect balance but more about getting better at knowing when you should prioritize something and then tipping the balance board in that direction with intention, maybe loosening your grip on other things that command your attention, or even streamlining them temporarily to make leaning into the one thing easier.

i’ll give an example i read about somewhere. i think for a lot of people, the holidays can be a stressful time. especially if you’re running a household or doing some amount of activities for other people, prepping and shopping and planning and getting ready for events or parties or gift giving can put a huge weight on resources and you might find yourself neglecting daily household tasks like dishwashing or laundry or self care. even if you arent the head of a home, it’s a stressful time of year and the stress can put a damper on your mood! one strategy i read about that i partially tried this holiday season was to temporarily change parts of your house and life into holiday mode: pack away all but one set of dishes and silverware, pack away or push aside your wardrobe and pick out five outfits that you’ll wear for the next few months, and streamline your daily beauty process (some examples are, cutting your hair short or getting a perm or treatment, putting all your skincare and makeup away and just using an all-in-one cleanser/moisturizer and like, one palette of makeup etc etc). basically the person was saying, it’s good to be mindful of the season that you are in and transform your space into battle mode when you need to. by taking away many of the options and streamlining the decision making process, it helps you focus more on getting through whatever it is you need to get through with. what i did was the dishes thing. i packed away everything but a single set of dishes for the family and went through december and january like that. the benefit is that it lowers the hurdle of dishwashing giving it a cap of about 15 minutes, whereas the stresses of the holidays often lead to reaching for another dish and another and another, just because you have them, in lieu of tending to the sink, and before you know it you have an hours long task. i’ve actually kept a lot of dishes stored away still because of how much easier this is 😆

in terms of work, i’m not sure your age or occupation but in case you’re in a 9-to-5 type situation i think it’s important to remember that most people are simply not paying attention to you. everyone is first and foremost focused on themselves. it’s a simple thing but i think it’s hard to remember. especially if you are a hard worker that naturally wants to do the best job that you can. it’s okay not to get it perfect. in fact, the most successful people, i think, are great at giving 80 or 70% consistently and quickly, in contrast to someone who gives 110% but sometimes burns out or often takes forever to make a decision.

there’s a japanese phrase called “saba yomi” which literally means “read the mackerel” and nowadays it is used to describe the act of estimating numbers in one’s favor (for example saying you are 25 when you’re actually 28). but it originally comes from the work of commercial fishers that pull in huge nets of mackerel, and how they report their numbers. in the olden days, refrigeration technology was not where it is today, and when there are hundreds or thousand of fish in a haul, you simply couldn’t take the time to count every fish in the net, take out the similar looking fish, etc, to get an accurate count, because the longer you take, the worse the taste of the fish would get. in other words, oftentimes, accuracy sacrifices quality.

when you can put down the armor and realize that not many people are paying attention to you granularly, i think it’s easier to let go of a need to get every detail of work perfect. and ironically in some ways, this can make you better at your job.

i think a common thread to everything i wrote is the idea of checking in with yourself and talking with yourself about what situation you’re in and how you’re going to approach it. this week work is gonna be busy so i’m just gonna wear these clothes and just do this hairstyle and power through, and this way i won’t have to have a huge pile of laundry and a messy bathroom to get through at the end of it. or, today im feeling like i’ve got a cold coming on so im just going to give 80% effort today and give myself a quiet moment later on in the day to relax. or, im not going to get everything right for awhile but ill do something simple each morning that i know i can do, and congratulate myself for it right away.

i hope there was something in here that helps… at any rate, be kind to yourself!! every day is a miracle in its own way.

[graviconscientia]

>You had said that you would send the letter immediately. That was true. Writing it, however, was a different matter.

>You've counted the days. 72 of them, and you've been missing the entire time. There was a flash where you weren't, but that wasn't particularly helpful, was it? You knew that they'd hold onto the dust that settled from your appearance, any and every particle they could keep of you. You knew this because you would do the very same. This is your family-- loved across space and time, loved beyond probability and reason. And if any of them were to disappear?

>Well, you don't have to imagine what you would do. You already know what it is like to lose a child. You know what it is like to grieve the loss of love.

>It's because you love them that makes the writing so much more difficult. A letter to the council? Not an issue. That is their job, to clean up after you. You would have all the instructions they would need. To the nobles? Quick, simple. A warning in perfect penmanship. But to the Crown? No, to your children? There is so much to say, and not enough words to say it. All of them feel wrong in your mind. They feel worse on paper.

>But Kanaya had taught you something incredibly valuable, and had reminded you that even if the words are not perfect, they're not really the most important part. To know someone is thinking of you, to know that they're alright… That is peace you can give. And you can give that to them. You have to.

>This time, you think, will be good enough. You can only hope.

--

To my light and loves: Virago, Cyther Kaiser, Haakon, Perygl, and Jagara,

First, let me apologise. I'm sorry I've left you all with such a terrible task. I'm sorry I left at all. I know that you are working hard to hold everything together, and I am sure that you're doing so well. We knew that something like this would happen, but perhaps not like this. Not so soon. And I am sorry that there was no warning. I couldn't have foreseen it; how were any of us to know?

I want you to know that I am safe. I am home. You know where. I can't ask that you do not follow me. I would follow you. But I need time, here. I have things that I need to do, things that I can't accomplish anywhere else but here. It's been so long since I've seen all of these people, this forest, this home. I've missed it. I don't want to miss it right now.

Know I miss you all, terribly. I think of you every day, and I wonder how you are doing. I have old photos of us that I look at constantly, and I wish you could see them, too. The photos aren't really enough, though. I miss my babies! (You will all ALWAYS be my babies. When I am old and my hair is white. When you have babies of your own. For now and forever after.) I want to see you soon. I just don't know when. I just know I miss you all so so SO much. And I will see you, soon.

I don't know if you feel this way, if you keep any sort of guilt, but none of this was your fault. None of you could've done anything to stop this, or me. I had a chance, one. The only one I may have had. I had to take it. And I hope none of you punished the people who gave me the chance. They weren't to blame either. I hope that you did what I would've done, and treated them well. I don't doubt that you did. I raised you to be kind, compassionate people. And you are.

This has gotten away from me, I think. There are so many things I want to say, and some that I can't say quite yet, but I will tell them all to you, soon. We will see each other in person, and while it might not be like before, at least we will be together. Stay strong, be kind, take care of the people, and of each other. You are my greatest achievements, and the loves of my life. I am proud of you, no matter what you have done. I'll see you soon. I miss all of you, and can't wait to hold my darlings in my arms again.

Love, forever, always, from the moons and back and beyond, Mama ♥♥♥♥♥

--

>It's pitiful, with teardrops splattered all over the paper, teal ink running at the edges, but it is the best you can do. You are careful in how you fold it up, once, twice, and place it in its envelope, holding it tightly for a moment. You write your initials-- A.H.N.-- on the back, seal it with red wax, and place it on the transportaliser. You know the coordinates, ones you couldn't forget, and you send it off in a flash of green kneeling next to the pad, watching as it vanishes (just like you did). This time, though, you do not scramble the coordinates. You will wait, but just one hour. This is their chance, to get the information they need, to possibly bring you back. And you know, to wait at all is a risk.

>You will wait, nonetheless.

[hadit93]

Hi Hadit, hope you are doing well.

This ask might seem weird to you because you believe in putting the effort in mundane affairs before turning to magic, but do you have a spell that can get me out of a rut and make me proactive and energetic temporarily (For a week or two)?

I have adhd and acute depression and although I am mostly high-functioning (I have a full time job, continuing my masters, practice magic, and cook and clean everyday) and I have been unable to even get out of the bed, do the simplest chores, or even reply to texts or calls lately.

I need to get a job (and probably do a spell or two to boost my job search) asap and catch up on my chores, but forcing myself to do anything is resulting in horrible panic attacks. This usually happens to me every year and it goes away, but I can't be a sitting duck waiting for it to pass this time or I am gonna be unemployed soon. I mostly work with planetary and Goetic spirits. Sorry for the long ask.

TIA for your time; take care.

So obviously ignore my advice and seek the advice of a medical professional first and after that try implementing my advice.

So in terms of magic helping your mental health and symptoms of ADHD, there is not really a spell or ritual that is going to do that. A good daily practice may help this over time. I recommend regular cleansing, regular energy work, regular invocation of the highest, and meditation. As someone with ADHD you may struggle with meditation ,stick with it if you can. It doesn't matter if you are distracted, what matters is the effort of bringing back that attention over time. It is stretching a muscle.

It sounds to me that the depression is effecting your life more than your ADHD at the minute. Working with the above may help that, however, working with the solar force will also help. You could do this in many ways, I would find some herb that is safe to ingest that is solar in nature and safe to infuse in high-proof alcohol such as vodka. Chamomile is a good option, rosemary too, Create a tincture and also have a crystal to charge too. Charge the crystal with your own intent and also the solar force in a ritual. Place the crystal in the tincture (make sure the crystal is not toxic first! Citrine would be my choice) and allow it to brew for a couple of weeks. Place a drop on the tongue whenever you feel like it or on a regular basis. Every morning perhaps- just a drop, nothing more.

I wish I could give you a miracle one shot magical cure for your problems. But I do not have one. These things take time, there is no cure for depression or ADHD, there are simply treatments. This is because there is no single cause for depression and we do not even know the cause of ADHD nor what truly exacerbates it within individuals. But the solar force and regular cleansing will help over time. Meditation will also help too.

My advice after this would be to stop trying to do everything at once. Write a list of tasks you want to accomplish. Then order these in easiest/shortest time to hardest/longest time. Then start tackling them in that order. Make a list of rituals/spirits you can work with to obtain these things in order. Not all at once, you cannot sort all your life out at once. It takes time.

Don't beat yourself up it is hard to overcome depression. It is hard to muster up the strength and discipline to battle that part of yourself. It may seem stupid to you or to others around you, but as someone who has battled their own demons I know the struggle and I commend you for enduring it so far and seeking out help when you need it.

You may want to perform a formal cleansing ritual (this could look like anything, every tradition has them. I am talking something more than an LBRP though. A self exorcism might be good- the headless rite may be a good choice too, or liber samekh. You may also want to perform a road opening ritual- I am unsure who you work with. For me I would take a few coins to a crossroads and ask Hekate to open the ways for me so that my influence may flow freely in all directions and leave a coin in each pathway as well as a boiled egg. There are many crossroads deities who would be good for this too. You can also google road opening spells, there are loads to choose from.

Raphael may be able to help. I would not recommend involving goetic spirits for help with mental health. Unless you already have a good working relationship with one of them who can help. Eventually Bune can help with your finances and your job hunt when it comes to conquer that task.

And I will finish by saying if you need help seek it out from a doctor. Therapy is brilliant. Medication is great when you need it to get unstuck from a rut. Don't rely on magic, it will help, but dealing with issues on the same plane they are manifested upon is always best. The mental plane is conquered through words in therapy, the physical plane by medication, meditation, and exercise. The spiritual plane will trickle down to both of these, but it may be more subtle and long-term than direct.

Good luck, I am sure you've got this!

[trying2cope]

The social worker had said cleaners were coming, but I wasted no time.

I couldn't sleep anyway. I was legitimately traumatized. I could only sleep for like 2 hours at a time, 4 max a night. And if the doorbell rang I almost cried from terror. Even when I could see it was just my child's friend wanting to play through the window!

I cleaned. And I cleaned. And I cleaned. But I am not very good at it, so it was still messy. I joined Body Doubling groups. Body Doubling is a technique used by ADHD people to help us accomplish tasks. Basically if we have someone with us when we clean, it's easier. And since I didn't actually have any close friends in this town to ask, I turned to the Internet and talked on the phone with strangers while I cleaned. And I called my family and my friends. And I listened to podcasts and audiobooks.

I called and made appointments with doctors. For me and for the kids. Me because she'd told me that since my mental health was the reason that the house was messy they wouldn't be able to close the case until I had proof I was taking care of it either via medication or therapy. And of course the kids just needed to get their check ups done anyway. I had been meaning to do it, I'd just procrastinated.

Basically everything CPS asked of me was stuff I would have done on my own in the next 6 or so months anyway. Master and I had been making plans for how to get me better so my house would be clean. And he was making me better. I could feel my depression leaving me, slowly. Even without seeing the doctor to get medicine, having him in my life was making me mentally healthier, I could feel it.

I'd felt bad dating online for the past year. Like I knew if people in my life knew, they'd disapprove. Tell me it was too soon. Tell me that my priorities were out of whack. Tell me that it was dangerous for single moms to date. And all that without the added judgement of knowing it was within the BDSM community.

But there had been a burning drive inside me, making me keep looking, even after Dom after Dom that I'd start to think might be the one turned out not to be. Probably half a dozen or more ghosted me, after amazing conversations where we seemed to click. One of them was a catfish who tried to blackmail me saying send me Bitcoin or I'll publish the naughty photos you sent me. I didn't send him a damn thing and nothing happened. One of them made me scared because he had a dream where he stalked me through the forest and tied me to a tree and raped me and told me of this very excitedly. Another I called him and a woman picked up and screamed "Why are you calling?!" and hung up. Another gave me just enough information about his identity I found him on Facebook... and saw photos of his wife, from like a week ago. And so on and so on and so on.

And yet, I'd persisted. Because something inside urged me too. And now that after my long and very tiring search I had finally found MY Master, I felt myself healing. My brain chemistry knew, I thought. It knew I needed a relationship to give me the happy brain chemicals I lacked, to cure my depression. And it was working.

And because I had him, suddenly everything else was easier. Cleaning, working, making phone calls. All of the normal adult things that I had been struggling with were easier because I'd tell Master what I'd done and he'd tell me "good girl" and I'd be so happy.

So I made a lot of progress that first week, waiting and wondering about this cleaner that was supposed to call me, but didn't.

At the end of the week I sent an email to the social worker, unasked for, telling her my progress. The appointments made for the next week, the amount of garbage bags I'd thrown out (7). And I asked about the cleaner.

So she gave me the cleaner's number and name and I called. Left a message.

But I persisted the second week. We went to the pediatrician, got check ups done. I did more cleaning. Got 6 garbage bags out. I sent an email that week again. Asked about the cleaner.

This time she told me the cleaner has been trying to call me but I haven't been answering.

That was not true. If my phone rang the past two weeks, I'd answered. Which wasn't normally true of me, usually I only answer calls from people I know, but because of what was going on I picked up every time.

So I called again. This time I got a receptionist and I asked for the name. She refused to give me her number but took a message.

Finally, a few days later I got a call from the cleaner, who told me she'd come by the next day. "I had the wrong number!" he told me, laughingly and I felt better. I had figured either that had happened, that the social worker had just written my number down wrong so a 1 looked like a 7. Other speculations, that someone was lying about trying to contact me, would have been more insidious. "We need to do a delousing, right? I do that."

"No! I *told* the social worker they didn't have lice!"

"Oh! So that was a false allegation?"

I explained, about my ex not believing it was gone but it was and me telling the social worker. But apparently she hadn't believed me.

"Well, good! Then I don't feel so bad we haven't connected yet. I'd been worrying the kids had been suffering with lice," she said with a laugh, " but I'm glad they're not."

I had thought this was like a one time deep cleaning, and I'd been working on doing the things that a deep cleaner wouldn't have time to do, like collecting spilled pieces of a board game that were scattered amongst actual garbage on the floor so it wouldn't be thrown out. I'd been sitting on a stool in a room with a broom and sweeping everything the broom could reach in the circle around me, towards me. Then I'd painstakingly sort through the pile, sorting trash from toys and clothes and shoes and stationery items and so on and so forth. Then when I'd finish I'd take each pile and try to find a home for it. I'd had to buy many plastic bins.

The trouble with keeping my house clean I'd realized, wasn't too much stuff. We'd moved here with just a few suitcases and thrift store furniture and basic appliances just a year ago. We had not accumulated too much-- but I'd never done the organizing work of assigning everything workable places. Aside from the kitchen, where there was cabinets and drawers assigned to cups and dishes and pots and pans, every other room in the house I'd basically just assigned to the room. Like toys went in the kid's room, but we didn't have an organization system for them. Just like two big baskets, and we had more toys than fit in them anyway. So I had to buy lots of plastic bins and make one for hot wheels, one for Barbies, etc. Stuffed animals went into the big basket that had been the general toy box before.

And the kids had each grown a size, so now we had more clothes than fit in their drawers if they were all clean. So I had to go through the clothes, after washing everything, to pull the too small things and put them in bags to donate or give away.

And we had more shoes than fit on our one shoe rack between the three people. So I put one shoe rack at the bottom of the stairs and told the kids that one was for them. Because they were always trying to put shoes on as the last part of getting ready before going outside anyway, so it made sense for them to be downstairs, but near the stairs to make it accessible if they wanted to grab them while dressing upstairs. I put the other shoe rack in my room for my shoes.

And while the kitchen had some cabinets assigned, there was stuff like garbage bags and tin foil and dish towels that I had just kind of had out on the counter at all times, so I found drawer space for them.

And when I'd bring in groceries, we had a tendency to drop th bags and not unload them immediately. That is, I'd bring all the bags in and drop them in the living room, then look through them for the frozen and refrigerated stuff and put that away, but leave the rest for "later". And when one of us would make the effort to actually bring the bags to the kitchen, we'd often leave the pantry items on the kitchen table instead of taking the time to put them in the cabinets.

And speaking of grocery bags, we had far too many. Because we don't have a car, I had subscribed to a delivery service but they gave way too many plastic bags. I wanted to be responsible and recycle them so I had a cardboard box to collect them in but that one box turned into three and all of them were filled to overflowing because I didn't have a car to actually drive them to the recycling place.

And we also had a ton of cardboard boxes. When we moved here my parents had taken the appliance and moving boxes and thrown them on my back deck, again for me to theoretically recycle, except a few "good boxes" that they'd flattened and put between my pantry and fridge.

At Christmas time, delivery box after delivery box had come because everyone in my extended family, including myself, were worried my kids wouldn't get enough presents this year since I was struggling to eek out a living. So everyone had gone overboard and I'd resorted to pulling my couch out from the wall a few inches and hiding the cardboard there. But of course, more kept coming.

When the cleaner first came, she did not clean.

She was not insidious. In fact, she was a breath of fresh air.

Turns out, she was a former foster kid. And unfortunately, she was abused in her foster home.

"I do this," she told me passionately, "because I don't want ANY of my families to be separated. I believe kids should NEVER be in fostercare."

She told me didn't do a deep clean like I'd thought.

Instead, she'd visit and help me clean for an hour or two at a time. She'd also help with organizing if I needed it, she said. "Whatever YOU need," she insisted. "I am here to help YOU."

And she also provided transportation help. "Not for any and every little thing, but to provide for things the kids need. Like going grocery shopping or--"

"Can you take us to doctor's appointments?" I asked.

"Yes! Exactly like that." And I had an appointment for the vision doctor the next week so she penciled that into her schedule and said what time she'd arrive.

And she was off.

The next week she picked us up. My son's vision was fine. My daughter needed glasses. I felt guilty. Was that why she wasn't reading? No. It turns out she has 20/20 vision BUT she has "alternating extopia", ie two lazy eyes that take turns. "That actually is a good thing," the doctor explained. "Because it takes the strain off it just being one eye." That didn't make sense to me but I took his word for it.

Her lazy eye wasn't unknown to me. I had thought it was just one eye though. She'd worn glasses for it as a toddler, but her eye had corrected enough then she didn't need them anymore. "As they grow, eyes change," the doctor explained. I was just relieved that that wasn't why she wasn't reading. It really was just stubbornness. And insurance would cover up to two pairs of glasses for kids annually, so it was fine.

So it was three weeks after our first conversation and 5 weeks since the social worker had come when the cleaner and I actually cleaned together for the first time.

She came in and I said let's do the living room and dining room. So she had me sit in my stool and she swept everything in both rooms to me while I sorted. I put trash in the trash bag and what we kept I placed on the dining table chairs. She placed some things that were on the floor but obviously not trash on the couch before sweeping the living room to me. When time was up, the floors of both rooms were spotless, but the dining table and couch were covered. I admit this made me twitchy as I have less trouble with floor mess than surface mess for some reason.

"We work well together," she announced. "You did great!"

I was glad she thought so. And the house did look MUCH better, which was very good because finally, finally, after 10 weeks Master was coming back to visit again.

[chili-mango]

Missing you really badly right now. In therapy we're talking about how strong attachments to a person even after the relationship has more than reasonably soured are usually caused because that relationship is/was/could have been giving us something we are not getting elsewhere in our life--- so, if we don't feel like we're getting the need filled elsewhere, it's hard to let go of the last source of it.

I'm trying to think of what I'm craving so much right now that I'm associating with you.

I guess I'm tired. Like, sleepy, but also sort of emotionally exhausted because it's been a long day and yet I'm frustrated because it feels like I haven’t accomplished much. I have low energy, & am feeling a little adrift & aimless. I don't want to go to sleep early because, if I do, I feel like my weekend will be that much closer to ending, and I'll just be back at work following the same grind.... like I feel like all I have in my life is work or chores at the moment.

This is patently not true, I literally went out with friends for drinks celebrating Guilty on 34 Counts yesterday. And also, work & chores are good things for me to be focusing on the moment. I have been doing a good job both rebuilding my savings AND trying to make my apartment more liveable (though it's a mess at the moment because I'm at the part of cleaning/reorganizing where you've taken everything OUT of old organization method but haven't yet put it back into NEW organization method).

I think my mind is telling me that those things don't count as "meaningful" because they're both maintenance tasks (you never actually FINISH them, they regenerate) & selfish (i.e. motivated by wanting MY life to be improved rather than wanting OTHERS' lives to be improved; not as in morally bad) goals. I am accomplishing things recently. I am accomplishing making my day to day life more stable & capable of handling upsets, which means in the future I will have more flexibility and ability to do things that are exciting & deeply satisfying to my service-self.

So what I'm looking for when I feel like I miss you, I think, is 1) physical comfort, 2) energy recharging, and 3) reassurance that my effort is going to a worthy cause and that that effort will be worth it.

And like. When I think of it like that. You were decent at the first thing, but inconsistent about the 2nd and rarely gave me the third. It was relatively easy to ask for or initiate cuddles, but sometimes depending on your emotional or mental state, I didn't feel capable of interacting with you in a way where I could get recharged, because you would be in a state that needed soothing or recharging of your own, and I had a hard time saying "I'm not going to soothe or comfort you. Soothe & comfort me, though."

So I'm only half missing you, really. I'm half missing the quiet nights on the couch where I could rest my head in your lap while you played video games, or the rarer times where you let me be the little spoon as we cuddled in bed. I'm missing the times at the beginning of our relationship where you'd dye my hair for me or rub my neck & shoulders (not for super long, of course, your hands & wrists would get tired very fast) or get me off without asking for me to then get you off in return. Physical affection that was about pampering me & thanking me for the work I was putting in to take care of us.

The other half I'm missing was something I hoped you'd start doing, but you never did, even when I would ask you to verbalize the things you liked about me or were grateful for. I'm missing a you that would TELL ME that you were thankful for the hard work I was putting in to care for us. That would see what I was doing, recognize that it was often draining & exhausting, and would tell me that not only did they appreciate it, but that it was also worth the effort because I was putting in the time & effort to build a better, more comfortable future for us. I think you THOUGHT you said these things out loud, but you rarely said them unprompted and when I did prompt you you tended to say things like "I'm grateful that you're warm & soft" or "I'm grateful that you bought me a video game," and that kind of thing. It made me feel like you didn't notice the effort I put into thinking about your needs often, or the little ways I tried to watch out for you & take care of you on a day-to-day level. It made me feel unappreciated for showing up every day--- which like, fine, I get it, "well a partner is SUPPOSED to show up for you every day" but that doesn't make it not hard. That doesn't make it not exhausting. When you acted like I was just EXPECTED or SUPPOSED TO show up for you every day, especially when I didn't feel like you were showing up for me every day, it created a lot of resentment. Like just because you held the title of my Partner, that meant showing up every day was no longer anything special. When, to me, the fact that people choose on a DAILY BASIS to prioritize their spouse, that they think ahead wondering what they will be able to do in the next 24, 48 hrs to make their partner happier & more comfortable, is the most amazing thing about love.

I so rarely felt like you were putting forethought into what you could do to make me happy or make my life easier, especially at the end of our relationship. Besides the number of times I'd straight-up told you that you being financially self-sufficient and being able to manage your depression well without me would help make me less stressed, you had a real way of doing things to help that I explicitly said were kindly meant but not particularly effective. Like making me tea. Very kind & sweet, but didn't necessarily reduce the causes of stress in my life. Making me a sandwich when you were making yourself a sandwich; kind thoughts, but I'd told you several times that I didn't need you to make me a sandwich every time. If you'd at least ASKED if I wanted a sandwich before you made it, that might have been okay, but both with the tea and the sandwiches it felt like you were looking for the acts of service you could do easily, rather than the acts of service I would benefit the most from.

Anyway. Not sure this is still a productive exercise.

I did my nails, and that helped a little bit. I think I will go to sleep early, and will try cuddling in the blankets and repeating to myself that I appreciate the time, money, and effort I am spending into taking care of myself and working to make my life easier.

[theroadtofashionhell]

Looking Forward to the Weekend

As the sun sets on a rather uneventful Thursday evening, I find myself looking forward to the weekend with a sense of anticipation and excitement. Not because it promises hours of leisure and relaxation, but because it is going to be a busy one, filled with tasks that need to be accomplished and activities that promise fun and enjoyment. Yes, I have a busy weekend ahead with lots to accomplish.

The first task on my list is to clean out the garage. It's been months since I last ventured into that cluttered space, and it's high time I tackled the mess. The garage has become a dumping ground for all things unwanted or unused, from old furniture to outdated electronics. The task might seem daunting, but I am determined to transform the chaos into an organized space. With some good music playing in the background and a strong cup of coffee by my side, I am confident that I can turn this chore into an enjoyable activity.

Next on my agenda is to finish up some work-related tasks. As much as I would love to keep my weekends free from work, sometimes it's just not possible. This weekend, I need to finalize a project proposal and prepare for an important presentation next week. Although these tasks require focus and concentration, they also provide me with an opportunity to challenge myself and grow professionally.

Once these tasks are out of the way, it's time for some fun. A friend of mine has invited me over for a barbecue party on Saturday evening. This is something I am particularly looking forward to as it promises good food, great company, and lots of laughter. It's been a while since we all got together, so this is definitely going to be the highlight of my weekend.

On Sunday morning, I plan on going for a long bike ride in the countryside. There's something incredibly refreshing about cycling through quiet lanes with nothing but the sound of birds chirping and leaves rustling in the wind. It's a great way to clear my mind and recharge my batteries for the week ahead.

In the afternoon, I intend to indulge in one of my favorite hobbies - reading. I recently bought a new book that I've been eager to start. With a cup of tea in hand and the sun streaming through the window, I can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Finally, to wrap up the weekend, I plan on cooking a special dinner for myself. Cooking is another hobby of mine, and I find it incredibly therapeutic. Plus, it's always rewarding to sit down and enjoy a meal that you've prepared yourself.

So yes, it's going to be a busy weekend, but it's also going to be fulfilling and fun. It's all about finding the right balance between work and play, between chores and relaxation. And as I look forward to the weekend ahead, I can't help but feel grateful for these opportunities to grow, learn, enjoy life, and make memories.

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 16: Disappointing Saturday

Ugh. This day just didn’t go according to plan. First, I way overslept, like snoozed and turned off alarms I don’t even remember hearing, so I didn’t get out of the house until late. It was way warmer than I had expected (because I was going out at the hottest hours of the day instead of the comparatively cooler earlier hours) and when I sat down at one of the tables, even though it was one with an umbrella, it was functionally like being out in the full sun. The angle of it was hitting me directly and the shadow from the umbrella was falling on the asphalt; very dumb. I could barely enjoy my drink because I was so thirsty for water. When I got home, I took a nap because being out in the sun had drained me of energy and depressed me. Also, I was walking home during the busy hour of the restaurant at the end of the street and to avoid all the cars that wanted to kill me (people around here CAN’T DRIVE and I should say it), I stepped onto the grass and almost twisted my ankle where the ground was uneven. Since my nap, I have accomplished pretty much nothing? I ate, and I browsed the internet a lot. I was trying to build up to writing but I mostly just avoided it for so long it’s like… way past possible. I am already up too late and I’m just not in the mood. It’s beginning to feel like I’ll never finish this fic. I’m so woefully, WOEFULLY behind.

A few good things: I finally got a pumpkin spice latte and tried one of those apple “croissants,” both from the new Starbucks. It’s sort of out of my way but not too bad, and I’m old enough to be the teen mom of all the other customers and baristas because it’s right off-campus, but, okay. Whatever. It’s fine. (Also this is a little bit of an exaggeration but like... it’s all college kids is what I’m saying.) I had to get the drink iced because it was fucking 80 outside and it’s much better warm but… At least I did it. I am also proud of myself for going out like I said I would even if it wasn’t actually fun for the most part. I got some writing-planning done on a Miller/Bellamy story that I probably won’t ever write but have been stubbornly trying to plan for a while. There were some college students doing some botany related project on the flowers nearby and that was pretty cute. Also, when I got home, I did wash most of my dirty dishes, though making my apartment semi-livable is still a big task ahead of me. Oh, and I officially registered for KiSCon, which I’ve been meaning to do for a while.

My goals for tomorrow are definitely to write. It would be so, so great if I could write two scenes, which is to say if I could finish the chapter I’m currently on and also start the next one, even though it’s a big transition to do so. I also need to do some more cleaning. And it’s halfway through September and I still haven’t decorated for fall. Mostly because it doesn’t feel like fall in the slightest. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m trying to do things and behave in ways that will actually make me feel better and improve my life in small and tangible ways rather than just sticking to the same bad habits. Is it working? I mean, no, but truly, I am trying.

[pbandjesse]

It was a very sleepy day. Recovering from such a long day yesterday was tough. But I tried to just be okay with the resting. The rainy weather helped. Giving me a sleepy ambiance.

I slept pretty well overall. I woke up at 930 without an alarm and was not thrilled. I had slept on my arm in a weird way and it hurt so much. Like shockingly painful, surprised I didn't get woken up by the pain painful. I would spend a few minutes stretching it out and it would get better but it was very uncomfortable.

I got cleaned up and dressed in my current favorite jumpsuit and my staying at home sweatshirt I got during lockdown. I just wanted to be cozy.

It was sort of chilly downstairs. I would get myself a bowl of cereal and got in the couch to play my video game. But it turns out we are basically done all the major things and now it's just small tasks. I was getting frustrated by the map, which I struggle to understand already, and was going in circles for a while. I was having fun but after an hour I was just tired.

I had a little lunch. And my stomach hurts again. So I would just chill and lay on the couch and watch YouTube shorts. It is funny how different my algorithm is on different platforms. On Instagram it's a lot of home diy and art. On TikTok it's very silly but also music and politics. But on YouTube it's almost all media focused. Lots of clips of shows. And twitch streamers.

I had opened the backdoor for light and to enjoy the breeze. It was a little drizzly but nice.

But then all of a sudden I heard animal screaming and I went outside and Sweetp had a rat!! It was half in the fence and Sweetp had the rat's tail in his mouth and was pulling and I was like ah!! And went and picked him up and said we don't do that. But like also good job? But also your outside privileges are temporarily revoked.

He could still go in his catio. I'm not a monster.

I would be on the couch for a long time. I would eventually muster up the energy to get up and felt kind of woozy. I probably should have just gone to sleep but I wanted to get something accomplished. So I would head upstairs to do some closet organizing.

My idea was that I would pull out all my camp clothes and put it in my extra trunk. But I ended up having my extra black trunk for my clothes I'll bring to sleep over camp, but then the brown trunk will be for field trip stuff for the next couple weeks. And like it's not a perfect system but it was something. And I hope that my closet clothes can be mainly for museum and day off clothes. Slightly nicer stuff. Less outdoorsy.

I had just gotten everything out of the closet when James texted me that the Fulwilers wanted to go to Little Havana for dinner. Like ASAP. And I was like what. I am in the middle of something. I said that if it was at 5 I could probably finish. But honestly I didn't want to go and spiraled a bit because I felt like I would be a jerk for not going. It's mother's day! I had reached out to my mom and also Anne but me and my mom have plans on Saturday so I am judg focused on that and I felt incredibly disregulated.

James said I didn't have to go but I did. I would have felt terrible not going. But also the fomo of missing out on food? To strong to handle.

I would keep working but I couldn't focus and would just have to do the rest when we got home. I got myself together. Put on eyeliner. And headed into the rain.

It had started raining harder but wasn't to bad by the time I got to the restaurant. But I had a terrible drive there. I couldn't get over and had to go a weird way to get there after missing a turn. People hair driving stupid. I was really angry and upset and not having a good time. I didn't even want to leave the house and now I was just really upset.

Then when I got over there I found that their parking lot was a pay lot now??? Since when?? And was more upset and texted James but then when they came out to help a free spot opened up in front and everything was okay.

I was happy to see everyone. Anne and Tucker and Charlotte. They got appetizers but nothing I could have so we ordered their "stoplight" chips. Which come with salsa, cheese, and guacamole. In three bowls. So it looks like a stoplight. And it is very good. And I did have fun. There was a lot of talking and it was mostly a very good time. I got to learn some stuff about some of the antique they own. And the plan for who gets what. I got to hear about Charlotte's Taylor Swift PowerPoint presentation. And it was a a nice time. But it was absolutely not dinner.

We didn't order anything else? Just the appetizers and lots of drinks. Which is fine but also was not dinner. After there were hugs and goodbyes I told James I was brought out of the house under false pretenses. James would take me to the diner for real dinner.

When we got there James would bet we would sit on the side of the diner we have never sat on. But I told them not to get their hopes up. And I was correct. We still have never sat on that side!!

We both got sandwiches. It was nice to see the families celebrating all around us. But my stomach hurt. And both of us were so tired. So we were mainly quiet and playing on our phones. We would eat. And enjoy each other's presence. But we were also both really ready to go home. They gave me a yellow rose at the counter. I'm not a mother but it was still nice to get. Maybe next year.

When we got back here I would go back to my clothes. James washed my water mug (which smelled horrific??? No idea why that happened). But they mostly left me alone so I could do my thing.

I chose the things I want to bring and there was some stuff I wanted to hang up and some stuff to put in storage. But I felt good about everything and would finish within an hour.

James would join me in laying in bed and watching TikToks for an hour or so. We were laughing and learning about stuff and it was just really nice. Sweetp came and joined us.

Eventually I went to take a shower. James would make a fuss about me being so pretty again. Which is very sweet. I love them so very much. It was nice to be clean though and change into a sweatshirt. And now we are in bed again. I am ready to sleep.

Tomorrow James is taking the car to get the oil changed. I am not sure what I will do here. I mostly just want to rest. I hope I feel more normal tomorrow.

I hope you all sleep good tonight. I love you all. Goodnight!

[keefwho]

May 23 - 2023

2:14 PM

I’ve deliberately not been discussing my feelings in depth because of how unhelpful it’s been to do it. I figure I’ve been exploring my feelings TOO much for too long and it makes it hard to actually put things into practice or just enjoy life. The plan moving forward is to use every Tuesday to do my thinking, exploring, and planning. Every other day I’ll try to limit journal entries to reporting what happened during the day without criticism. 

The other thing I wanna do is make a solid plan for what I can do over the next week. Something aimed at a topic I’ve been struggling with. Whether I know what that is or not, I figure it will also be helpful to actually read my own entries back to myself because I tend to shy away from that. I don’t like looking at myself or who I am very often but I know it would be helpful to know. Sort of like accepting that you have a dirty room in order to clean it. Or a more personal comparison, standing back and really looking at a shitty sketch so I know what to fix, rather than staying zoomed in because I’m too afraid to feel embarrassed at a messed up early sketch. All this will be challenging I know, but thats kind of the point. I think I’ve been good about doing what needs to be done lately though. I like a challenge because it means I’ve earned my rest at the end and have something to gas myself up about. 

I’ve still been struggling with the obscure issue of not really feeling like a person. I can tell it’s a very big problem with lots of angles to tackle from. My problem lately that I’ve identified is being unable to detach myself from others because when I try to imagine who I am or what I’ve accomplished on my own, it feels like there is nothing. Or like, what would I tell a stranger if they asked what I’ve been up to. I could tell them factually the activities I’ve been doing but I don’t think I could carry on a conversation long because nothing I’ve been doing has been very focused or with conviction. I feel like TV static with my interests, ultimately because I can’t find good focus and because I find myself trying to mold to others too much. I think thats because since I don’t have a strong sense of self, attaching my identity to someone else is easy. It’s not a bad thing inherently, but like most things there is a bad extreme that could be reached. I’ve figured it can be very helpful to mimic others in moderation to help me discover the kinds of things I like or can share with people. But I think that needs to be balanced with some healthy alone time spent exploring things that come from within myself, even if that voice is quiet sometimes. 

Over the next week my general idea is to try to block out time zones better in order to give different things the proper focus. It takes constant awareness to do that. I often become distracted easily, like someone with ADHD even though I don’t think I have something genetically quirky like that. I think I learned this behavior and intent to unlearn it. I’ll know I was successful if every day I can write a journal entry about all the things I did without have to rack my brain about it, like I did yesterday. Yesterday was a good example of how I want to operate myself. I stayed focused on tasks as they came. 

[bagitmastidian]

The suppression of wants; needs. Sate the chemicals; watch the mind flow.

It's dopamine. Most of it. Desire and acquire. This is what dictates massive amounts of our motivations. It's intertwined within our thoughts, and biology. Hereditary consequences. Nature and nurture. Throw the sociological, parental, and biological dice. What kind of being is produced? Kind, or cruel. Intelligent, or stupid. Active, or inactive.

I can't do things. Not the things I tell myself to do. I will do things, but not when I tell myself. What do I mean? You have to ask this question. It's my internal monologue. Who I am. The person behind the mask. Who I perceive myself to be. That is the person struggling to be in control. I have brief periods of self control. I either do nothing, or guide myself into situations.

What does all of this mean? Who am I? Am I a good person, or a bad person. Perhaps I'm good because I do nothing. Perhaps I'm good because when I actually do anything it is with the absolute moral imperative of being good.

What is doing nothing? It is just that. The lack of any mental effort applied towards self motivation. Sit there. Lay there. Follow others. Doing something implies I'm directing my body and mind towards a specific task. I don't actually know where the distinction lies between the two. What is doing nothing, and what is doing something?

Lots of people do things. Apparently they cannot stop doing things. Good things, bad things, neutral things. I've discerned that psychology measures this as being driven by a motor. I've been driven by a motor. Extreme discomfort being still. I couldn't even read a book. I could do things. Just not what I wanted to do. Why not do the things I wanted to do? Go study for hours. Get my GED. Work long hours. Cook. Clean. Read. Nope. Do things. Just things my mind thought to be important. Is that dopamine? Is that familiarity inside the mind motivating past neural connections to fire during a traumatic event? Who knows. Why not the things "I" desired, and why the things that "I" succumbed to. "I" bartered with my own consciousness and body; we agreed upon things to do.

Don't do bad things. We agreed upon this. "I" died on a hill for this. Don't do the things that produce hideous consequences for our mutual survival. Don't relapse. Don't contact your ex. Leave your family alone. Go back to work. Tolerate psychological pain. Suffer loneliness and intellectual isolation. If you fuck these up the world will shut both of us down, and we will self annihilate.

I won the argument. The rest of me begrudgingly capitulated. Gave me strength. Made me feel strong. All the while incessantly feeding my conscious mind pain. Or maybe I fed it back my pain. I think "I" did that; in all honesty I forced the rest of my existence to follow my rules. I will accept our mutual survival, but "I" was done with this experience a long time ago. Perhaps this is the nature of my conscious motivations. "I" will never hurt another being. When I'm no longer able to accomplish that goal, then "I" will shut all of us down. I think my lesser consciousness's fear this. On a primordial level. Play nice, or "I" will take control.

I'm the true tormentor of this being. We are all held hostage by my thoughts. Good. Life is cruel. It created us. So "I" will hold life hostage. I hold a gun to the head of life itself. Be kind, or else. "I" will throw myself off of a bridge. "I" will crash my vehicle on a dark deserted highway. "I" will take fatal doses of drugs. "I" know how to bleed out without chance of resuscitation. "I" will never intentionally hurt another conscious being; regardless of whether that being is fully in control of its own body and mind.

"I" am so exceptionally aware of what other minds and bodies are doing that I can protect other "me's" from themselves. Another man tackled me from behind and tried to fight me. His "I" expressed self annihilation beforehand. I saved them both, despite high levels of intoxication. I wouldn't destroy another conscious being in pain. Despite my consequences, or feelings of betrayal. Nothing came of it. Aside from feelings of mutual respect. Strange. Almost like we suffer the same affliction.

So in the height of impairment, tragedy, or crisis something persists. This "I" will take control and guide the rest of this body and mind through challenges. This is me.

The "I".

[kyluxtrashpit]

NSAIDs I can survive without, even if it makes periods terrible. Caffeine though, can I survive in the sense of continuing to be alive? Yes. Can I survive in the sense of accomplishing basic things, like work tasks and cleaning and even doing fun things like hobbies? No, it’s a struggle when I’m constantly exhausted and taking 2 involuntary naps a day lmao. I had to get rid of a frying pan the other day because I let it soak in the sink for too long without actually cleaning it and it ended up ruined, cause I’ve been too tired to manage scrubbing it for over a month now. I’m sure there are people out there who can function with 0 mg caffeine in their system, but I am not one of them, not when I have a sleep disorder, anxiety, and depression constantly limiting my energy. Caffeine is the thing that can get me to approximating normal function. Also apparently it helps with headaches, cause I’ve had a headache like every second day for weeks now and I’m well beyond the point where that could be physical withdrawal. Plus chocolate tastes good and never being able to have it again is like. Never being able to see a rainbow again. Or never being able to feel the sun on your skin again, if you’re a warm weather fan. Small thing, but load-bearing. It really removes a lot of moments of happiness

My condolences on your anxiety though, cause I know how terrible anxiety can be, even though mine has rarely been gastrointestinal. But these gastrointestinal adventures of mine have left me with nothing but sympathy for those who experience it just forever because now that I’ve gotten a sample of it, I genuinely don’t know how anyone can live a fulfilling life like this. Anyone with GERD should be given $1 million a year for the rest of their lives as compensation for their suffering

So. Stomach update. As I haven’t given one here in a while lmao

After the first month of the medication (plus an ultrasound that came back normal), the reflux problems came right back so I went to another doc. He said okay, here’s more pills, take them twice a day, and we’ll also do a barium swallow x-ray. Also apparently I was being way too careful with food, so the bright side is I can eat most things again (yay) but the downside is I had to cut caffeine completely 100%. And it’s awful

Anyway. I had the barium thing yesterday (it was also awful lmao) and doc called me today with results and. Everything is normal? No signs of inflammation, polyps, GERD, any reflux at all, or an ulcer. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary

Which like. That sounds great. But while I’m not having the reflux or pain right now I still feel like I’m burping more than usual? And that was one of my symptoms. So he said to finish the pills, taking the last week of them once a day instead of twice, and then see how it goes. And never take NSAIDs again

I hope this just means that I did have an ulcer and maybe it’s just in the final stages of healing and couldn’t be seen, so once I finish the pills it will definitely be gone and I will never have this issue again. But I’m also worried cause like. If my entire upper GI and all my abdominal organs are normal and I never did have an ulcer and there’s no signs of anything else being wrong. Then what the fuck is it? Will it go away? Or is this just my life now? Cause while I’m glad I can eat mostly freely again, ZERO caffeine is just not sustainable

Idk. Maybe I’m getting worked up over nothing and it will be completely gone in ~3 weeks when I finish the pills. I really really hope so. I’m just also really worried that it will come back again and then wtf do I do cause I can’t do this forever and if they can’t find anything wrong with me, then how they hell do I fix it?

[mrfoox]

I wish i had normal energy levels, I wish I fucking normal, I'm so tired and things are moving so slow

[thedoubteriswise]

okay so. I am a smart adult with many important responsibilities. I have good taste and care about things that matter. for this reason, I’ve been trying to identify where in cql canon wangxian manage to fuck.

because they definitely do; I like a good post-canon getting together fic as much as the next guy, but it’s just not realistic.

allow them. it’s already been so long.

(just like this goddamn post turned out to be, let’s do a cut)

right. so initially it looks like you could place this right after the time skip in episode 33, because it shows us that wwx is with lwj in cloud recesses. we know that he spent the night in the jingshi because he wakes up there the next morning before he goes for a nostalgic tour of his old school.

and also visits the cold spring, where lwj is mostly naked. nice.

but wait! wwx is surprised by the scars on his back and chest. that seems like something he would have known about if they’d already been naked together the night before, so I’m going to say they did not fuck immediately upon wwx’s return to cloud recesses. okay, fine, they’re taking things slow, that’s cool.

maybe they could work it into the next night, then. oh wait, lqr is injured and... staying in the jingshi? for reasons?

I don’t know why. he must have his own house in cloud recesses, and it’s probably at least as comfortable as lwj’s, but here he is. he lives to stop his nephew from getting laid, I guess.

the next day they do some Q&A with the kids and determine that they need to head to qinghe to figure out what’s going on with this sword thing. great! we love a romantic road trip, plenty of alone time. but they also have to do their jobs, and then jin ling needs to get rescued from a wall of dirt, and jc is unfortunately there being himself, and then they have to grill nhs about his tomb full of angry sabers, etc. etc.

with all that going on, their next obvious chance is at the inn immediately after interviewing nhs. this evening has already included:

wwx gazing lovingly at lwj from afar

lwj carrying wwx on his back

lwj pawing at wwx’s robes trying to deal with his cursed leg

lwj helping wwx up the stairs, serving him wine, fixing his flute, and generally being at his beck and call

a very sexy and homoerotic duet

and now they’re alone and drooling over each other as usual. this seems like a plausible spot, right?

it does! but no. after they go back to the nie basement o’ swords and hear the backstory on nmj’s death, we see them walking in yueyang and lwj asks wwx how the curse mark on his leg is doing. wwx says it’s almost healed, which may or may not be a lie, but his inner monologue says:

he’s more concerned about the wound on his arm from the sacrificing curse, which lwj doesn’t know about, because wwx won’t tell him and they still haven’t been naked together.

also, this silly teenage shit doesn’t make much sense unless they’re still dancing around each other.

you guys love the sound of opportunities as they go flying past, don’t you?

right after this, lwj gets drunk. I’m aware that Stuff Happens in the novel scene that inspired this bit, and they do incorporate some of that into the show by having lwj commit petty larceny and admit that he “likes rabbits” as part of the softest and most loving conversation in human history oh my god

but lwj goes to sleep right on time, and the next morning, wwx is laughing and reassuring him that nothing happened.

after this, it’s time to go on a fucked up field trip with the kids in yi city, so they don’t really have any time alone for a few episodes until they’ve finished that and everyone is back at yet another inn. I wonder if they learned something about wasted chances and poor communication from this miserable songxiao story?

maybe! look, they’re being cute and domestic. there are currently no material barriers preventing them from having sex, nor will there be any specific evidence later on proving that they didn’t.

but they’re still firmly in mystery-solving mode and the juniors and lxc are floating around. the vibe isn’t quite there. if I were to pick the most solid reason why I think they’re saving room for jesus at this point, it would be the tension that happens when wwx again asks how lwj recognized him. lwj asks why his memory is so bad, and wwx replies that he wishes he had a bad memory. even though they’re comfortable and happy being together, there’s still some fundamental distance remaining. there’s no sense of romantic resolution. that was actually a point against all their previous opportunities as well; they’re all very sweet, but none of these feel like the place in a story where the romantic leads Officially Get Together.

okay, off to koi tower! shit is getting extremely real. everyone’s busy insinuating that they recognize wwx, but no one is saying it explicitly. wwx isn’t supposed to be here. the guy he’s pretending to be also isn’t supposed to be here. he and his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s brother are trying to figure out if his boyfriend’s brother’s boyfriend is a murderer. no one is comfortable and the political intrigue leaves no time for fucking in front of anyone’s salad.

I guess there’s plenty of time to make dozens of armed guards and like half the people they know wait while they have a romantic moment, though.

could they be more in love? And that sure feels like a romantic resolution that might be followed by narratively-earned sex.

ah. no, unfortunately wwx gets stabbed again. this certainly sucks, but it does have the helpful consequence of making lwj take him back to cloud recesses, where they are mostly alone and as safe as they can be in the circumstances. now there’s even more tenderness and also some plot-justified touching and skin exposure. plus, lwj just made a very public declaration of love.

too bad wwx has probably been unconscious since he started coughing up blood in the forest near lanling. he’s also still visibly in pain. fresh abdominal wounds tend to kill the mood.

but hey, the injuries on this show are only as serious as they need to be to move the plot forward and facilitate gentle h/c scenes, so by evening he’s looking perfectly healthy and walking around under his own steam like nothing’s wrong. I guess that problem can be ignored moving forward.

lxc then offers the the most devastating highlights of lwj’s backstory, like, all at once. it’s nice that he includes a flute solo to give wwx a second to process this mountain of terrible information. what the fuck.

there he is! the most devoted man in the whole world! turns out they can actually be more in love after all.

and then the following scene... look, I’m lazy and I don’t know how to make gifs, but screenshots cannot properly convey how good it is. you all know. the hesitant way wwx approaches, the slow and gentle piano version of wangxian, the two of them watching the snow together, it’s. ugh.

remember how I was talking about how the last scene with no material barriers was an unlikely candidate because of the lack of romantic resolution?

well, here’s wwx still being cagey at the beginning of this conversation.

and here they are in the middle of this conversation, having some epiphanies about the course of wwx’s life - I love this shot for a lot of reasons, but I extra love it because it shows wwx out in the snow, with lwj as the safety and warmth waiting behind him, god this show goes hard, holy shit

they both recall their vow to live with a clean conscience and internally say some very corny things about each other because they are both So Much, and then,

ah, what the hell. he can say it out loud after all. romantic resolution accomplished.

and then the camera slowly pulls away as wuji plays.

a slow zoom out? swelling music? listen, I am a connoisseur, I know a tasteful fade-to-black indicating a sex scene that won’t happen on camera when I see one. at last, we have a winner!

now you may think this post is finally over, but I actually have one more piece of evidence for you - the next scene shows the two of them the morning after, meditating behind a screen in the hanshi while lxc is waiting for jgy to show up.

before wwx got de-cored, he was a pretty powerful cultivator, right? the chances that he’s just bad at meditating or that he can’t stay focused on this task seem slim to me. so why does he keep falling asleep?

well. he had kind of a late night.