#chronic tiredness
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I hate the struggle with chronic illness. I hate being tired all the time. I’ve spent what feels like days just sleeping because my body has decided that’s what needed and I haven’t been able to get done what I need to.
I want my energy back. I want to stop feeling like my life is being taking up by something out of my control. I want my control back.
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weird post inspired by crowley's walk but kinda sad what is this fandom doing to me
Okay, I was watching a bunch of compilations of Crowley's walk (don't look at me, you've been there) and I had a thought that I sincerely doubt was anyone else's first thought looking at them walk.
It was more specifically that scene, you probably can see it right now, when they get out of the throne-chair hip first, so absolutely fluid, and saunter off.
I wanna be like that. I want to be that light on my feet. I feel that every time I watch the recordings of plays especially musicals, looking at the theatre actors, and yep, I know David Tennant is one too. And it's not just because I've always wanted to do theatre but never have, though that is true.
(TW: uh, talk of being tired/ill, I want to put the warning just in case)
It's because I'm not very well, and I haven't been for a while. Nothing serious, I don't think, but I have very low stamina to start with, and because of medications for my mental health I'm always so tired. Even standing up or walking without waiting a whole minute can make me dizzy enough to flop right on the ground. Even when I (probably) had COVID a couple of years ago, my main symptom was intense, intense tiredness. A few months ago, I had a viral while living alone, and had to crawl my way around (hehe crawl) (this is the state of my dark humour, I am sorry).
And watching Good Omens just reminded me of everything that I want to do, looking at them dancing around rooms and racing in cars, walking through streets for ages and sitting on the arms of chairs. The show is just so filled with life, sprawling in bathtubs and driving through the English countryside, children running around and on rope swings, desperate kisses and reading in a bookshop.
And I want that so, so much.
I want to be able to spring up from chairs and be around human beings and saunter around the city. I don't want to be sleeping through more of the day than I am awake for.
Anyway, just thoughts.
But I do want to take this post to give some love to all of you, and special love to any of you who are struggling with illness. Chronic illness or otherwise, mental illness or physical illness, just any illness. Even if it is just that heavy, heavy tiredness, that we know all too well. When I studied disease, it was broken down into its roots: dis and ease, a lack of feeling at ease. And I am reminded of that one post I saw about chronic illness, and I'd like to say what I read there to you all:
"I hope the pain eases soon."
I know that life is waiting just outside this screen, but as long as I am too tired to go out to meet it, I'm so grateful to this show, to this fandom, and to all of you maggots for bringing life to me. The loneliness has eased since I've been here, and the smiles are a little more often, the tears a little less.
And I think that's really quite wonderful.
#good omens#good omens mascot#good omens fandom#weirdly specific but ok#crowley#asmi#lgbtqia#maggots#neil gaiman#aziraphale#tw illness#tw medication#chronic tiredness#tiredness#fatigue#life#fandom#the beauty of fandom#healing#health#mental health#tw depression#feelings#just thoughts#im tired#but i love you#i love you all
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Thinking about starting a tally about how many people see me with my cane/scooter and feel like it's okay to ask me "what's wrong with you" or "what's with the stick"
Maybe I'll buy myself a chocolate or something when I hit a certain number. 50? What do y'all think?
Right now (from what I can remember, I have a terrible memory due to my Problems™) we're on 11. I started using the cane in like September ish I think. And I don't go places very often.
Maybe I'll start a separate tally for people who refuse to call it a cane or even a walking stick and just call it a stick
To be clear, I get it you're curious. But god can you not? My best friend's cousin who is 12 has more self restraint than any of the fucking adults who have asked me this. He took my best friend aside and asked why I use my scooter. I didn't even notice him doing this because he was fucking discreet.
I'm aware there are things "wrong" with me, can't you even put in the effort to have 5 minutes of regular conversation with me before asking at least? It's always the first thing out of these people's mouths after a greeting.
#disability problems#cane user#invisible disability#invisible illness#physically disabled#disabled#physical disability#disability#disabilities#chronically ill#chronic illness#chronic tiredness
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ehehehghjfgsj coquettezai i did for a dtiys on insta 🎀🎀 hes so silly + chibi skk because i feel the need to make everything skk related
#artists on tumblr#bungou stray dogs#bsd#art#digital art#bsd fanart#bsd dazai#bungou gay dogs#gay gay homosexual gay#skk#bsd art#bsd skk#konbu art#soukouku#bsd soukoku#bsd chuuya#dazai osamu#chuuya nakahara#nakahara chuuya#dazai x chuuya#bungou stray dogs dazai#bungo stray dogs#dazai fanart#coquette#god i love them sm why are they not real#the eyes are a lil wonky but im tired so screw it#chronic tiredness besties#illustration#digital illustration#digital drawing
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I need to shout about Distraction for a minute, so bear with me.
First off, ouch. Big fucking ouch. That thing has been licking the wound it helped create ever since it came out.
Second of all, the repetition of "it's too late for me" always being the background noise to an otherwise quite quiet song, other than the breakdown, is absolutely diabolical. The breakdown feels like a panic attack. A complete and utter mental breakdown finished with a scream-sob of something that has permeated the whole song; it's too late for me. It's always been too late, even with the help of Her, She who is not like any other and is far more than one could ask for, it's too late.
It's always been too late. She found him in the cold waters, on the verge of drowning in self hatred and tried to pull him up, but he didn't want to get Her hand damp. He is not worthy of it all and he screams for the final time for Her to let go because it's too late.
And then everything stops. We are back to the beginning; the quiet, repeatative beat of an anxious heart.
What makes it worse? Distraction is a loop. Starts on the same chord and ends on the exact same one with the same beat. She comes back again and again but it's still too late.
Distraction is a loop of self hatred laced with the inner turmoil of a Thing that doesn't believe it can ever get better because it fears the help of others. It believes it's not worthy of touch, and so rots in falling further again as it warps into something it never wanted to be; broken into fractions and driven to distraction.
#this one hurts me#I say a lot of their songs hurts me but this one cuts deep to a personal level#I've spoken about this maybe once or twice before but I suffer from chronic insomnia#so I've spent years trying to fix myself and being afraid of the help of others because I physically cannot be myself anymore#I'm riddled with self hatred tiredness and wounds that at this point I myself am stopping from healing#I've always belived it's too late for me- that I'm past the point of no return- and that I'll eventually die from this#so it was quite euphoric to hear someone scream the exact feelings I've been experiencing for my whole life#apologies for the vent#sleep token#st#distraction#distraction sleep token#this place will become your tomb#tpwbyt#mel's rambles
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TW: chronic illness
Tiredness vs fatigue.
These are not the same.
When you're chronically fatigued, you are beyond tired. Beyond desperately tired even. You have no hope of not being fatigued. I am writing this hypomanic but physically my body will not let me function. Whether I like it or not. I cannot "power though it" like I can with tiredness. I am invisibly restrained. I am pinned.
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most of the people in the system: *can't deal with our chronic fatigue for more than an hour at it's worst*
my co-host: *chronic fatigue holder and just always tired*
me: *just kinda deals with most of our issues*
both of us: *on our way to barely hold it together, but just enough that we're a mostly functional person*
#did osdd#actually did#osddid#did#endos dni#did memes#system memes#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#dissociative identity disorder#if i simply collapse then the tiredness can't get to me#chronic issues#-m
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my classmates will go thru 6 hours of class the day after a long excursion through the countryside and then just get up and go run around in town for hours going to movies and shopping and whatever and I'm just sitting here like Aren't you all exhausted . Aren't you all sore and pained. Where are you getting this energy. Can we calm down
#if nothing else this trip has really opened my eyes to how much chronic pain/fatigue does impact my life compared to others#i dunno I guess I just never really noticed. but I just don't have the energy other people do. Not even close. Not even a little bit#I go through a day of class and relish in the thought of spending the rest of my day resting because the agony in my legs#and the unbearable tiredness I feel just beckons me to collapse into bed#but everyone else is just so . energized. and ready to explore. and wanting to run all over the place and do 1 million things all the time#and this is normal? this is how normal people are? Because I'm the only one out of my entire class who seems to be the opposite#everyone just has so much energy. and I Do Not have that energy. I had to stand for most of the past three hours and it's taken me out#for the day i'll be honest. but everyone else just seems so undaunted#and it sucks because i'd love to hang out with these people and join them and whatever but when I do force myself along i'm just so tired#and so pained that all my responses are either dry or i don't say anything at all. i'm just completely out of spoons but I hang on because#i Hate the feeling of being left behind#oh well. eye-opening experience I guess#vent#<- it became that so yeah I'm tagging it#clamtalk#and also? my bee sting? IT ITCHES. Who was going to tell me it'd do that. What the Fuck Man
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wip (there's a 50/50 chance i'm gonna finish this either in a week or in 3 months)
#we did it chat we got rid of the art block#we are. However. never getting rid of the Being Too Tired to Paint#what is UP with Chronic Tiredness hitting artists at the Worst times#wip#good omens art#🐛
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for my fellow chronic fatiguers, if you've never gotten a sleep study done (free w medicaid) I'd highly recommend it. led me to get diagnosed with sleep apnea, which causes me to not breath 28 times per hour while I'm sleeping, not allowing my body to recover from anything, and cauing my everything to hurt all the time. just saying, if you feel like you've gotten all your problems addressed but never done a sleep study (like me), would highly recommend planting the seed in your doctors mind so that they can give you a sleep study referral
#i literally got every mental/health issue addressed and was still tired all the time and my doctor was likw maybe you have sleep apnea#and i do#and i dont have my autopap yet but at least i have some answers#chronic fatigue#sleep apnea#some things i have that got addressed but only incrementally helped with my tiredness#->#anemia#hypothyroidism#anxiety#depression#tag for when i write posts
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The thing they don't tell you about not drinking as a teen is that you will get embarrassingly fucked up after three entire drinks
#and I'm not properly drunk but also that's the most I've had to drink in one sitting and it SHOWS#though the heavily leaning at the bus stop was definitely partially because of the general tiredness and chronic pain
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why am i so tired ive done literally nothing today???
#honest to god i feel like ive spent the entire day out with friends except i didnt so i’m both lacking social interaction AND am tired asf#what the fuck cfs this isnt how this works#if i do nothing im regular tired and if i do stuff i feel a tiredness so strong it makes my bones ache#i have done nothing yet my bones crave death (idk how else to explain the feeling)#cfs#chronically ill#chronic fatigue#disability
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honestly i think once the hydroxychloroquine stabilizes me i'm just never fuckin' gonna have depression again. like don't get me wrong i'm gonna keep taking my bipolar meds so that i don't become psychotic and all that but i Cannot Fucking Imagine depression having ANYTHING on me EVER AGAIN. like i'm gonna be sleepy af in the winter because there's no goddamn sun but the concept of being like wow i'm too emotionally sad to go do some chores i have to curl up under blankets being sad and tired. LAUGHABLE. if this bitch has the physical energy to do stuff on any given day then this bitch is going to do stuff on every given day. i'm gonna spend this winter keeping on top of chores and cleaning my apartment and going swimming and enjoying social outings AND IF SOMETIMES I AM TIRED AND SAD?? TOO BAD BITCH YOU GOT A BODY THAT WORKS NOW WE'RE NOT DOING THIS. MENTAL ILLNESS AINT SHIT note this only applies to me kitkat specifically and no one else with depression which is a disability bc it's disabling. NOT FOR ME THO. NO MORE. CMON BUD YIP YIP
#yes i am aware depression is a physical illness that can present with debilitating chronic fatigue vitamin deficiencies neurological issues#etc.#however. as far as my own depression versus autoimmune experience goes. LMFAO.#sadness and tiredness are not real to me anymore. those don't exist and when they do i do not give a fuck#if my body works i'm using it. i'm gonna use it fucking CONSTANTLY#autoimmune tag#bipolar blogging#the executive dysfunction poly post made me start thinkin bout it
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I am tired of self-sabotage— mine and others'.
So damn tired, sometimes I feel like I will expire the second I lay down.
#self sabotage#mental health#relationships#unhealthy relationships#draining#exhaustion#burnout#chronic fatigue#tired#tiredness#stress#feelings#mental illness#actually mentally ill#BPD#C-PTSD#PTSD#post traumatic stress disorder#complex ptsd#trauma#relationship trauma#thoughts#borderline personality disorder#vent#venting#emotions#emotional dysregulation#emotional awareness#self awareness
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There are like a hundred reasons people are exhausted no matter what, and hypersomnia disorders (hi lol) are kind of the diagnosis when everything else is ruled out, but when i see people posting about being tired all the time, i always want to be like. there might be help for that you know......... you don't have to be resigned to this......... especially if you've tried changing your lifestyle to no avail, there might be an actual medical issue......... and you deserve to get help for that.........
#indexed post#i think in a lot of cases it's just chronic sleep deprivation and overexertion#but like. Do you guys even know what copd is... do you know the signs...#have you checked your iron and vitamins...... is your thyroid okay......#im saying this because i had debilitating life ruining untreated hypersomnia for like several critical years of my life#and i tried everything and nothing helped#until it did. and it was like#i kind of was at my wits end#idk. i just want people to like. Take their tiredness seriously. And take sleeping seriously. Cuz it matters a lot#and a lot of people wanted to tell me it was normal to be that tired and i should just try harder#But like. That wasnt what i needed. What i needed was prescription stimulants
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Whenever left alone with my thoughts, i end up in very depressing moods. You know, that might be the one benefit of school. At school, I have things to do (either doing classwork, going to school, reading my books or writing vent notes or story notes in my phone). And having these things keeps me from crawling into immediate depression. Because sometimes at home, i'll wind up sad and tired when i end up alone with my thoughts. I leave for school in like 20 minutes, so i don't have too much time to cover all this, but it is a distinct problem sometimes, and i need to remember to vent more about it later.
#I am a chronic overthinker#but that never feels like a good thing#overthinking#autism#asd#neurodivergent#sad#sadness#tired#tiredness#boredom#school#high school#books#reading#notes#school days
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