#chill is not part of my lexicon

[old-desert]

Inktobertale 2024 Day 9: Crowd

This is a redraw of this post

[fryday]

the other day I was thinking about how Dan has not once but twice explicitly talked about something along the lines of in the context of him and phil advertising their relationship and how people feel some sort of parasocial thing like they’re owed information about it (obv in big but more recently in his last meme review video) and I can’t help but think has something changed in the last year or so? we have established as a fandom beyond a hard launch that they know we Know and it’s all fun and games to share bits of their lives without calling each other bf or whatever but I feel like they’re (esp dan) really pushing the No Fucks Given anymore thing and sharing things that would’ve sent us into cardiac arrest years ago and just generally way more open and comfortable and idk if this is clear but I would love to know your thoughts

i wonder if it's been a feedback loop sort of situation that started with the fans' attitude post-comeback. because as far as i remember, their first few videos back, they were making gay jokes and old jokes and no fucks left to give references already, but not specifically with regards to their relationship - just in a general, "this is who we are now" kind of sense. and to be fair i wasn't active in phandom spaces yet at this point, but i figure it must not have been very different from the way it is now: in that the majority of fans just seem to take dnp's relationship as agiven. (whether this is right or wrong is a point i'm not gonna focus on.) people make jokes about their married behaviour and roll their eyes at implied information about their sex lives. it's funny, it's chill, it's treated largely as not a big deal. and i wonder if dnp saw that and started responding to it in turn. opening up more.

i can't say for certain, but i'm guessing the newsletter with that wild "we know you know" line was maybe the start of dnp testing out the waters of this new dynamic. seeing how people responded to it. (i joined the tumblr phandom space maybe like a month after this happened? idk) and boy, i mean. people have taken it and RAN with it. it's an integral part of the phandom lexicon, at this point. it feels like a wink from dnp to us, an acknowledgment, and i guess it's probably emboldened us to just keep getting sillier and more open, and that in turn has fed into dnp acting even sillier and more open, and on and on.

so that's my theory, and i feel like if we're careening towards a hard launch atp it might be because dnp are now convinced that - it wouldn't make much of a difference. sure we'd scream about it for a little, but the point IS that we do already mostly know. we're already annoying about it bc we already mostly know. and maybe it's that lessening of pressure and importance placed on the event that would finally make dnp do it. which is where the signs are, apparently, pointing

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fics With Titles That Start With L (4) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three

Lamb (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Phil goes to the house that has plagued him with nightmares for two decades

Lane Boy (ao3) - disloyalorderoftrash (orphan_account)

Summary: Dan is a bored law student who hates university. One weekend, he has a one night stand with some stranger in some bar. However, when he returns to university after the break, he meets this stranger again - as his new teacher. They take up a casual affair, but will they be able to keep it secret? Is it really just casual and meaningless? And will Dan finally find the courage to quit university and start following his dreams?

Lap It Up (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: Phil knows exactly what Dan needs

last disco (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Two ridiculously-dressed guys meet on a night out.

(An AU where Dan gets dragged to the club and meets Phil, who’s dressed as the world’s gayest cowboy.)

Last Fling (Before the Ring) (ao3) - phanetixs

Summary: "-some baldy McGee pushes me against some chair and starts you know- gyrating his hips in my face and it was all very traumatic.”

“That’s a lap dance, Philly.”

(Or the story of Dan and Phil, stag nights, and why Phil Lester absolutely cannot go clubbing alone)

Laundry & Taxes (ao3) - serendipnpipity

Summary: In the world of yazisnotonfire and AmazingFiona, Yazi Howell still doesn't know how to do her laundry.

laundry day (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: “Moving in?” Phil jokes mildly when he opens the door and sees the suitcase.

Lavender Lace (ao3) - Emejig16

Summary: Dan absolutely loves it when dom!Phil gets rough with him. He especially loves it when he chokes him.

Law of Obligations: Contracts, Restitution, Tort (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: He can’t think, he can’t breathe, it’s all too much. He’s feeling too much. He’s feeling everything. It’s all too fucking much. God, it’s a terrible neurotic contrast to those grey patches of time where he can’t feel anything at all. He has no idea how to bear it.

A fic about panic attacks and academic stress.

leaned a bit too hard (ao3) - jailedmoonshine

Summary: Growing up, Phil resented her name. She already didn't care for dresses and heels, so it was even harder convincing people she was actually a girl. As the years pass and her styles change, she decides to stop for a pint at a pub along her drive, giving her body a chance to breathe from the chill that was coming in.

Hang on... is that a nun?

Legends of the Light of Heart (ao3) - serendipnpipity

Summary: “For being Your Royal Highness, you know, you’re a bit of a spoon.”

***

Once upon a time, when the land was still ruled by kings and queens, there lived a young prince named Daniel, heir to a dying land...

Let Me Help (ao3) - prettyelephant

Summary: Phil gets a cat hair in his eye while shooting for the calendar so naturally Dan helps him get it out.

let's laugh about it later (ao3) - NormaLamber

Summary: Dan thinks about what makes Phil Phil and also the importance of trust in a relationship.

lexicon of lip and fingertip (ao3) - jonsaremembers

Summary: Phil sinks against Dan.

“Oi, hold your own weight,” Dan teases him. “Tudor princess.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Phil retorts, licking Dan’s neck.

Like a Bowl of Oranges (ao3) - cloej88

Summary: Dan has built a solid career for himself as a ghostwriter. He safely hides behind other people’s words, crafting their tales and pocketing the cash without any threat of notoriety. But lately he has been working on a book of his own, itching for a change.

Phil is an indie filmmaker who happened into some huge breaks over the last few years. He wants to use his influence to uplift queer stories for the screen, so he puts out an open call for story submissions. At his agent’s behest, Dan submits his story.

The writer!Dan and director!Phil friends/co-workers to lovers AU that we never knew we needed.

Like Dreaming of Angels (ao3) - steddieornot

Summary: While he firmly believed everyone deserved love, in some shape or form, this was something else. The love he and Phil shared was otherworldly, impossible to contain. It was more than romantic in every feasible way. And somehow, fate had bestowed it upon him, just a guy from a small town in Reading. And deep down, he knew that even if fate rewrote his path, he would still have found Phil every time.

Like Fine Print (ao3) - totalincandescense

Summary: Every few weeks, Dan was given an unfriendly reminder of at least one of the many reasons why he never went outside.

The most frequently recurring thing on the list being the general existence of people.

But more specifically, the existence of people who flirted with Phil.

Lions and Candy (ao3) - Mysticallykai

Summary: Dan has to take his little brother trick or treating. He hates doing it, but that all changes when they get to the last stop of the night.

liquorice ice cream (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Dan and Phil go on a date to the zoo.

(Snapshots of their Swedish zoo date, September 2024. This fic is free from TIT show spoilers!)

look how far we've come now baby (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: It was days later, in a hotel bed with a view of the Portugal sky, that Phil had murmured into the darkness, “But yeah. Maybe grown-up queer prom would be nice.”

look how (the stars) shine for you (ao3) - howell_slide

Summary: Two boys looking at the night sky together, 14 years apart.

Look who's inside again (ao3) - Frog910

Summary: Dan is struggling with dark thoughts, and Phil worries about him as he's gone without notice again.

Lost In Thought (ao3) - microwaveoven

Summary: Based on that one part in pizza mukbang 2 where DNP talk about why the hiatus started and how Phil felt lost for a while

loud heart (ao3) - phiclets

Summary: The orange heart reply was a cultural moment; this is my vision of what might have led up to Dan posting it.

Love you through it all (ao3) - Lesbianphan

Summary: A glimpse into Dan and Phil’s journey over the years, through dates/holidays and all the adventures they’ve embarked on together. Just some introspective fluff, featuring the many different stages of their relationship we’ve witnessed over the years

Loving His Ear (ao3) - Kim_Aurora_135

Summary: Appreciation literature

[bonefall]

Hi there, love your BB AU! And lately, I've been curiously looking at Clanmew and how I would translate my OC's names. I have a gal named Posystar, and I was wondering how 'posy' might be translated in Clanmew? Do they have a word for it, or a word similarly describing a small bunch of flowers? I was also curious as to how I would translate her deputy Lotuswing, I know Lotus flowers aren't native to the UK, but is there a word that might similarly evoke the word? Also, would cats know specific shades of colors? (My healer gal is Cobaltfreckle) Are there words for them? Or are they more generalized? I noticed there wasn't a word for 'sting' in the lexicon? Then again maybe that's just me passing over it :) {For my man, Kestrelsting} I also couldn't find a word for mimic (for my gal Tempestmimic) Checking the lexicon there also isn't a word for borage, so I went to double check that it's native to the UK, but google wasn't being quite clear with me haha. (Boragedusk) I couldn't find the word bristle either, but I'm not entirely sure whether or not the cats would have a word for that, nor could I find a word for back (as in a cat's back). (Blizzardback) Looking up 'Junco birds' it says that they are very rare visitors to the UK, what would a good replacement for this prefix be? (For my bold lil kitty Juncopaw) And last but not least, the boy himself, Mitzy Moo Moo. I'm not entirely sure how to go about translating his name? He's a former kittypet. Would his name stay the same, could he pick a translation? If he did keep his name would it be pronounced differently? So sorry for the long ask! Feel free to ignore it :) I'm obsessed with your project and love the work and care you have put into it!

Lots of new words here, let me try my best! For Cobaltfreckle, Juncopaw, and Lotuswing, dive into the Lexi and try to take a look at the colors, birds, and lilypad words! I also linked some asks there that may be helpful. There's also a word in there for clusters of tiny flowers.

New words time!

Posy/Bundle/A pack of dried herbs, typically for storage or traveling = Rushe (Leaf + Dry) A "Posy" as I know it is a bundle of dried, smelly flowers, based off the miasma theory hypothetical that posited that the basis of all sickness was "bad smells" and environments. So the closest translation here is probably a package of herbs! Could also be used in the context of a "prescription." This is the bundle of herbs you will be taking-- one leaf a day, two leaves boiled at dawn and dusk, etc. These are still administered by the Cleric though.

Stung/Stinging/Will Sting = Kskaib/Kskai/Kska The sharp pain of disinfection OR an aggressive insect attack-- can refer to biting or stabbing. The sharp, sudden pain is the most important part here.

Imitated/Imitating/Will Imitate = Shesapab/Shesapa/Shesap A more positive association for mimic! This implies flattery, or an attempt to pick up a useful skill through observation. Owlstar picked up hunting skills from an owl through this. An apprentice is expected to do this with their mentor.

Bristle = Shech A thick, stiff hair. Associated strongly with boars, but also some types of plant fibres pass beyond "needle" and arbitrarily become bristles, like the frayed end of a chewstick used to clean teeth.

Hackle = Chefaf The especially long hairs that lay along a cat's spine, and stick straight up when the "hackles are raised." LOTS of words are used interchangeably with these to be poetic, including bristle (defensiveness), harmless thorn (bluster or bravado), or even tall grass (excitement/chills)

Hackled/Hackling/Will Hackle = Makekes/Makeke/Makek The act of raising your hackles-- the line of fur down a cat's back! Instead of describing this very common action as "His hackles started to raise," they describe it as, "He was hackling."

[mused-amused]

I’m so in my feelings about Jeff Buckley right now. With uncanny prescience, I unwittingly spent many quiet nights with his ghost, and with his memory, as if leading up to the anniversary of his death tomorrow.

Mostly, I mourned that so many years have passed since his death. I imagined what his reaction would have been to the key moments in our world, culture, and society. And I mourned that he never got to experience the wisdom and contentment that come with old age.

So much has happened in the last 27 years. A whole other Jeff Buckley has probably been born, but could someone like that touch the world now? Could today’s  audiences honor the presence of sound, put their phones down long enough to be truly present as a powerful voice unites them in song?

In 1997, we lived in a much more innocent world. I was 17 years old, and I dreamed of attending art school, even though I knew my parents could never afford to send me. I was crazy about playing guitar, and alternative rock.

I had a college-age pen pal who I met through a music listserv, and it was thrilling to correspond regularly with someone who was attending a liberal arts school on the east coast. She was living the life I dreamed about, where academics and art mattered.

One day the letters stopped coming. I had thought it was merely because I lived on Guam and the mail was slow. But she eventually wrote to me, and said she was despondent that Jeff Buckley had just passed away, and she hadn’t been able to write. She was attending a memorial service in Boston later that week.

My pen pal and I lost touch soon thereafter, but my curiosity was piqued: who was this artist that could inspire so much sorrow and sadness with his passing? He wasn’t a big name, like Kurt Cobain who had infamously taken his own life 3 years earlier. I felt that one. I lived that one, along with millions of other fans all over the world.

Who was Jeff Buckley?

Music was still hard to come by on island those days—I couldn’t go to record store and find CDs easily, and Napster hadn’t made a splash yet. Those factors meant that finding amazing music just outside the mainstream was rough--local buyers had to have impeccable taste, and they just… didn’t. Eventually, I found a compilation CD that had a single Jeff Buckley song: "Last Goodbye." (That same compilation also had “Gang of $” by Shudder to Think, one of Jeff’s favorite bands. A good mix!)

“Last Goodbye” was unlike anything else I had heard at the time. It was wistful, yearning. If I had to group it with anything, the emotions it evoked are similar to the ballads in U2s Joshua Tree album: where love is so massive, it absorbs you, it forces you to feel, it makes you believe in soul connections and engulfs you in the simultaneous warmth of romance and the chilling prospect of losing it. Epic, if you will.

Once I got to college in the US mainland, I finally scored myself a copy of Grace. My musical life changed, and Jeff Buckley would forever be a part of my lyrical and musical lexicon. I began consuming what was readily available: Live at Sin-é and Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk.

Yet, I had never explored Jeff Buckley: the person. Lore didn’t interest me. He was a remarkable artist, influencing my musical journey, whose life ended tragically—nothing more.

And by all accounts, he wouldn’t want us to think of him outside of his musical legacy. Nevertheless, over the last few weeks, I dove deep into interviews, books, and live shows. I have glimpsed a portrait of an artist who was just beginning. Who at 30 years old, was still just a kid, trying to figure out who he wanted to be in the world, bravely taking on the mantle of being a beacon for positivity, joy, and love.

And to see that snuffed out was heartbreaking.

Here was a man who cared about art. Who believed that all of us have the ability to create and engage with art, if we recognize that power within ourselves. Here was a man who was tapped into the mystery of life, of the power of the moment, of NOW, and used every bit of his energy to seize joy.

Here was a man known for his singular voice, yet whose talents were heightened by collaborating with others. A man who freely admitted that he didn’t understand songwriting, and relied on the gifts of others to ignite his spark of genius.

Here was a man who was equally deep and goofy, who gave all that he had to the people he loved and lashed out with vitriol when he was pushed. He wasn’t a saint. He was a just a human, a skillful connector of words, sounds, and souls.

A person we would have loved to watch grow up and come into his own as an artist.

But the Wolf River had other plans. I have spent too many hours thinking about what he must have felt as the water took him. But in the best scenarios, I think of him reaching a moment of clarity and peace as he resigned himself to his fate: he was suspended in time, leaving us to our imaginations, giving us the freedom to wonder what could have been.

Rest easy, JB.

[lazyyogi]

Spiritual Fitness, Physical Alchemy

When I was growing up, I loved to play. I would run around outside, pretending I was some hero, wizard, or secret agent. I would climb trees, leap from rock to rock across small creeks, and just generally scamper about. In my room, I would put on music and dance all over the place.

Using my body didn't feel like work; it felt like celebration. It was the kind of joyfulness taken entirely for granted, as I had known no alternative at that age.

The Fall

I remember being in elementary school and looking at the middle schoolers who no longer played or enacted pretend games and it made me sad. Their world seemed so boring and I didn't want to join it. But alas, eventually I did.

When I grew older, my recess games were replaced with mandatory sports. The other kids started competing, weight lifting, and finding identities in the teams they had joined. I wanted no part of it.

I attended an all boys private school from kindergarten through high school graduation. While it was a fantastic school, there were plenty of problems inherent in its structure. My experience of athletics and fitness at that time was off-putting and, in a word, toxic. Although 'toxic masculinity' wasn't in the common lexicon at that time, it was that precisely.

It didn't help that I was a terribly sore loser and therefore loathed competition sports. I didn't like how they made me feel; I had no chill about any of it--curse of being the youngest child, I'm told.

I've always been underweight. It's something about which my family never missed an opportunity to tease me. It made me feel bad about myself and influenced my self-image. Nonetheless I was required to partake in 3 sports per year, one for each season. By the time I graduated high school, I was in excellent physical condition even if still underweight.

Yet the depressing impact left upon me by the transition from childhood play to teenage athletics never left me. Having outgrown childish games but without finding a place in athletics, I simply abandoned the matter. And so, in a way, I had also abandoned my body.

When I attended college, I stopped all physical fitness and sports. And that's how it was for the next 10 years of my life.

Crisis Averted

For those of you who have yet to discover this firsthand, once you get past the age of 25ish, your body doesn't feel as happy. Especially if you work a desk job after college. It's around the age of 25 that you first begin to feel the weight of your lifestyle choices.

When I began medical school at the age of 28, my body was unbalanced and unhappy. Spending hours sitting and studying over the previous 3 years during my post-baccalaureate premedical program really fucked me up. I barely ate, barely slept, and was living with chronic musculoskeletal and nerve pain. I was suffering and I wasn't happy with my appearance. That's another story in itself.

Things gradually improved over the next 4 years in medical school. They had free yoga classes, the cafeteria food was palatable, and I enforced a regular sleep schedule. My body started to normalize.

It was my transition to residency in 2020 when I actually started to thrive.

As a resident physician, I never know when I will have a chance to eat. So I learned to pay attention to how my body feels in order to determine if I need to eat rather than relying on the hunger sensation to prompt meals. I started doing elliptical cardio regularly and yoga occasionally. And, after a heart-rending breakup in 2021, I began using free weights.

Reanimation

A major turning point was early Spring 2022 when a friend introduced me to something called the X3 Home Gym. It heralded my moment of reckoning with strength training.

At the time I would do cardio 3-5 days per week, strength training 1-3 days per week, and some yoga on my off days. All at home or in my building's gym.

The X3 system brings the entirety of a weight lifting gym setup into your home. It is convenient, effective, and time-efficient. I could go on and on about it. The website looks like something out of an infomercial and if it weren't for the fact that my friend is incredibly muscular and swears by it, I wouldn't have tried it. But I did and it works really, really well.

Plus there is no toxic masculinity involved (unless you join their facebook group, which I did for the lolz and workout tips).

Adding essential amino acid protein pills was the finishing touch. I started to gain weight and muscle!

Now I do strength training 5-6 days per week, I do cardio 1-3 days per week, and I do yoga 1-3 days per week. This will fluctuate depending on my work schedule and level of exhaustion. If necessary, I cut out yoga and cardio while trying to preserve my days of strength training. Here's why.

I love cardio. It makes me feel physically happy. It boosts my overall mood and it has a legitimate cleansing effect. I love yoga. It works out the kinks in my body and repairs the idiosyncrasies of my postures and habits of movement. I love these practices so much that they are easy to pick up again after stopping.

But something I learned from yoga is that it's often the poses you avoid that are the ones you really need. For me, that was strength training.

As you might have surmised, strength training doesn't come naturally to me. It doesn't feel good to do it; it is painful. But I've come to recognize that for my body type, strength training is what balances my physicality most.

Self-Healing

I mentioned before that I have always been underweight and it's true. I have a body type that, if I'm not careful, I can easily start shedding pounds.

When I'm stressed, I lose my appetite. If I'm engaged in something, I wont notice when I'm hungry. And even if I eat a ton of crappy food, I won't put on weight if I'm not doing some form of exercise to signal my body to do so. I have often struggled with and resented these aspects of my human form.

Similar to how women face societal expectations to be a certain weight and shape, men aren't supposed to be skinny. Overweight is okay; it can still be manly. But underweight men will be teased, feminized, and often deemed unattractive or sickly-appearing. I know this from experience.

Combining that with the aversions from my school days and it is safe to say I had a fair bit of baggage lodged in my mind and body. I recognized this and learned to work through it with meditation, somatic spiritual practices, and other therapeutic methods. Exercise helped significantly in that process.

I now continue my exercise practice for two reasons:

I want my body to feel happy, healthy, and capable. My job literally depends on it.

I want to live a long enough life to make the most of my spiritual practice and ideally realize enlightenment.

There are two large purchases I've made during residency that truly revolutionized my lifestyle. They are the X3 and the Theragun massage gun. I can confidently say that my body is happier and healthier than it has been since graduating high school.

Side note: I fucking love massages. My first treat-yo-self splurge after I finish residency will be buying a balls-to-the-wall tricked out massage chair.

Somaticism

There is a secret third reason behind my fitness journey: somatic spiritual practice.

The first ever lifestyle habit that I made for myself was daily meditation. Spirituality, to me, is a matter of life and death. There is nothing else about which I am more sincere and concerned. So when something connects with that, I find it easier to make it a part of my daily life. Physical exercise has grown to be a part of my spiritual practice.

Similar to how sitting meditation focuses the mind's attention, somatic spirituality focuses the physical feeling of the body. And just as sitting meditation frees you from the mind, somatic practice frees you from the body.

Freedom from the body does not happen by rejecting or in some sense leaving the body. It happens by completely inhabiting the body, releasing traumas, relaxing tensions, stretching out contractions, breathing strength into numb and abandoned areas, and then letting go of the body from within.

It's not about transcending the body so much as it is an integration and liberation.

When it comes to inhabiting, releasing, relaxing, stretching, and strengthening, physical exercise when combined with somatic methods has been an effective means. Its effects go beyond the physical body to intimately involve the subtle energy body as well.

So, if there is a single takeaway from this story, it would be this:

When paired with spiritual practice, physical exercise may become an alchemical process.

My own story is an example of how one may transform their relationship with their body and gender, as well as their overall health.

Meditation doesn't make you into a different person, it helps you to discover and be as you are with exquisite and divine ease. Physical exercise, when approached as part of the spiritual path, does exactly the same.

I hope that one day I will be in a position to teach this to others.

LY

[grayintogreen]

WIP Wednesday

I'm plugging away at chapter six right now. I'm not gonna hit 75k before tomorrow, but I DID hit 50k mid-month so I absolutely was successful at NaNo. Also the first arc of this fic and the prologue is going to be over 100k, so uh... I'm sorry? You knew what you were getting into.

ANYWAY. Here's a bit of a Widomauk scene from Chapter Five, featuring Czech as Infernal, since the Jester comic decided it and I'm chill enough to adapt it into my lexicon and give it an explanation.

There were some things you just couldn’t say in Common that would have the same effect as they would in another language, so Molly swore under his breath and said, “Jeden myslel, že si uprdne a posral se.”

Caleb looked momentarily alarmed at the guttural words that somehow managed to always sound like a threat even when all he was saying was nonsense. “Was?”

“’Once a man thought he would fart and then he shit himself instead,’” Molly translated with a twist of his upper lip. “Does not have the same ring to it in Common as it does in Infernal, but it’s true enough. You can’t spend your whole life contemplating your navel about what you thought should happen because thinking is useless. It happened. We’re here. This is what we’re dealing with. It’s not ideal, but it’s not terrible either.”

Caleb slowly blinked at him, as if he was missing the point entirely, and so Molly added, leaning closer with a wry little smirk and a casual flick of his tail so that he would get the full weight of his meaning. “So, Mr. Caleb, maybe look at the ocean and just see the ocean.”

The laugh that came from the wizard- his wizard- was more musical than it had any right to be. He caught Molly’s flicking tail and traced the ridges with a calloused thumb in a way that made his toes curl unfairly in his boots. “Will you be saying that when we have nothing but ocean and all of the time in the world to think about what we could have done better and how much more we have yet to do?”

Molly shrugged. “Thinking never gets me anywhere. I do a lot more of it than I once did, but gods does it just bring down the whole vibe of a moment.” He rested his chin on Caleb’s shoulder, tilting his head so not to stab him with his horns while Caleb continued to massage the sensitive flesh of his tail, sending little shockwaves of pleasure up his spine. He bit his lip, his eyes going half-lidded in coquettish glee. “Wanna hear something else in Infernal?”

“Does it involve shitting yourself?” Caleb lifted an eyebrow, his blue eyes sparkling with a bit of mischief. He looked so much lighter than he had when they first entered Nicodranas. If Molly wanted to overthink it, he’d probably place the cause on Jester and Marion- he’d burned their home down and yet they were still together, stronger than ever. He wasn’t the monster that destroyed families. He wasn’t a monster at all.

And yet every decision he made seemed to come from a place of either wanting to prove it or ramming himself against the temptation to prove that a few good turns would not undo years of mistakes and poor choices and conditioning.

But he didn’t want to think about any of that. If it became a pattern, then perhaps a little cornering, a little corralling back towards the light, but why ruin a moment by trying to explain away the light or fear what would dim it?

“Láska je láska. To se nedá vysvětlit,” he recited. He’d learned both phrases from Jester during a time when it became extremely obvious that everything he knew about Infernal and his own heritage was instinct. He understood the words and spoke them fine, but there were a few turns of phrase that didn’t come easily to his instinctual memory that made him squint when Jester used them. She had said it wasn’t necessarily his fault (or Lucien’s for that matter)- she knew these things because she was an eighth generation tiefling on her mother’s side. They still carried Infernal culturally, right down to the accent, rather than merely as part and parcel to their natural lineage.

Love is just love. It can never be explained. It was her favorite phrase. Her mother had taught it to her over and over again until she knew it by rote and could recite it like a daily prayer. You didn’t think about love. You didn’t analyze it. You didn’t worry about it. You just let it be.

Caleb, despite his love for the spoken and written word, didn’t ask for the translation, which seemed appropriate. Even in a foreign tongue, the meaning was clear and to ask would be to contradict it.

And there were some things Molly wasn’t willing to let be contradictory.

[sunbeamrazor]

Not this hill

I love words. More specifically, I really love getting to express myself via the words I keep in my linguistic tool chest. I treasure them. Mostly because they’ve been the medium through which I’ve delivered and been the recipient of all of life’s joys and sorrows. With a great many ha-ha’s and in equal portion boo-hoo’s. I’ve spent a lifetime filtering through the lexicon of the English language in search of the ones worth keeping and those that for whatever reason need to be extricated. This process hasn’t always been a seamless one. I’ve had to let go of words I wasn’t necessarily ready to. A word reaching the end of its lifecycle would at times take me by surprise and surprises often coincide with change and change is hard. I think most of us feel that way. Sometimes the feeling of that word being taken would feel as if a precious object was being ripped from my cold dead hands. Sometimes, ashamedly, I’d beg for its return. Sometimes I’d just continue on saying it as if nothing had changed. This proving promptly to be a futile effort indeed. Like a magic spell gone awry, I’d feel as if I’d messed up its invocation. This previously innocuous word, had now caused a display of effects that I wasn’t prepared to manage. Instead of joy, I’d invoked in others anger, outrage, judgement, disgust and in myself, fear. Somehow without meaning to I’d caused so much disturbance and sadness. I didn’t want that. I think the hardest part about losing a word is that they often go before you’re ready for them to leave. There are words that you have a fleeting, casual relationship with. The ones we do a bit of a wine and dine with. Here for a good time but not a long time. There are some words though, that when they go, it’s like a friend ship break up with someone you’d known since kindergarten. That may be a tad hyperbolic but you get the sentiment. In the times where I’d resist and feel like I was losing something I needed to hold on to. Clarity eventually came when I sunk into my feelings of shame and guilt. The shame I felt around saying something that was potentially making people feel bad about themselves and then defending my right to say whatever I want. When I started to really feel the guilt and shame around that it helped me make the effort to choose other words. Whats more though is that when I’d slip up, my efforts towards the change would help me forgive myself because I was just doing my best. I’m a flawed being and fuck anyone who doesn’t recognise a person trying to change. Along with the shame and guilt, I realised that I was alienating people. That I was loosing potential connections with people in the world which I feel now as the most heart breaking aspect of this whole topic. Maybe it shouldn’t be that way and people should “chill the fuck out”. Maybe it actually isn’t and it’s just my baseless fear. But when it comes to behaviours of mine that jeopardise connection, a slight pivot is manageable. I’d consider deleting a word from my lexicon a slight pivot for sure.

Before you get all “dey turk ur jurrbs” on me. Let me say that I believe in free speech. That’s right. If you want to go around potentially alienating yourself from others, making people feel bad about themselves and just generally acting like a cunt then you should be free to do that. However I wouldn’t advise acting like a cunt. Cunts tend to not have a rich social world and in my experience find it difficult to understand their own life predicaments. How being a cunt and being confused are correlated is unclear to me so I won’t say more on it. There is a complicated conversation to be had around whether or not everyone in society is afforded the same level of free speech. Those who have amassed a sizeable audience should be burdened with a greater responsibility. That’s my opinion and I think it’s pretty reasonable. Say and think whatever you like but understanding your mob is part of an ecology of mobs and as part of that ecology, harmony and cohesion should be a priority for the mob-head. Mob-heads shouldn’t act like authoritarian, power hungry dickheads. That’s a no no and every facet of that mob-ecology suffers for it, including the bunch of cunts you’re the mob-head of.

A mate said to me the other day, I’m thinking of not saying the word retard/retarded anymore. I said to him, that I don’t say it and explained why. But I prefaced my schpeal with, you can do whatever you want. Which I think is an important thing to note before you’re about to say something that might make a person feel judged. To me it’s like saying you can do whatever you want and I’ll still be your friend. Our connection isn’t conditional in this way. So me and a friend had that chat and his reasons for thinking on it were a kin to mine. I’m proud of anyone that decides to make a change of this kind but when you do it because you don’t want to hurt people. Fuck me, beaming like a proud parent I’ll be. More of that in the world and shit we might just make it 👍 …WIP

[chaotic-archaeologist]

No hate, just a discussion I'm curious to hear others talk about: Is telling people about the 'reptile people' joke's older context of antisemitism worthwhile? If the vast majority of the public aren't aware of that context, has that not taken the power it had away from those who used it against the Jewish? Is taking that power away by it becoming a common joke without the connotation antisemitism a good thing (or possible)? Where would you draw the line on "it no longer has this meaning" vs "it could still have this meaning, therefore we can't use it".

On the macro scale, is it too late to change this part of the lexicon? Can something with negative origins like this ever be "okay to say" because it's too far removed? Just some thoughts on how we approach this situation when the problem is so vast now.

Okay, I know you don't mean any disrespect, so I'm going to try to walk you through this in a way that is gentle but blunt. The fact that you are even asking this question is a reflection of your privilege to have never experienced antisemitism before.

Here is the post the asker is referencing.

I am Jewish. I am telling you that the lizard people joke is actively harmful. It's the same as a Black person telling you that the N word is still offensive when white people say it.

Beyond that, it's true that a lot of people who make the lizard people joke don't know its history, and that's precisely why it's dangerous. This is the kind of antisemitism that slips into mainstream culture and embeds itself in people's minds, and it all builds up until you get stuff like QAnon, which has direct links to the lizard people conspiracy. Link 1, link 2, link 3, link 4, link 5.

Antisemitism isn't a solved problem, it is alive and well and killing people every year. Lizard people will never be okay to use, even as a joke. Especially as a joke. Something that is a direct attack to dehumanize a marginalized people will never have lost its meaning. There's nothing funny about that.

This isn't even a discussion that we should be having. I'm answering this because I know you asked in good faith and I want to make this a teaching moment, but you need to know that it takes a lot of my mental energy to engage like this. It's not your fault, but questions like this are a constant reminder of how blind most non Jews are to antisemitism. How some people would rather us just chill out so they don't have to accommodate generations of our pain and fear and suffering.

So what can you do? Don't question it when someone tells you that something like this is offensive to a minority group. Be graceful about it and just make a mental note to phase that out of your vocabulary. If you're curious as to why it's harmful, do some research on your own rather than putting that burden on someone else by having them explain it to you.

You can also spread the word. Tell this to the next person you hear make a lizard people comment. Being a part of the education movement is one of the best things you can do as an ally.

Finally, I want to reiterate that this is not a dig at you, anon. If it sounds harsh it's because this is a serious topic and I'm not sugarcoating anything.

-Reid

[bookwyrminspiration]

ive begun saying "rad" unironically so. that's something. and i need someone to project on for this, bit I don't know who. i think dex might say "rad" unironically because of human movies that're probably outdated. kesler too probably. maybe all of the dizznees idk BUT maybe not? so who else do you think

Filing this under things that remind me of that phase I had where I described almost everything as "epic" for no reason to the point my family started doing so too out of habit

To answer your question: Keefe. Keefe would also start saying rad for the fun of it as soon as he learned about it from Dex and his human movies. It's a permanent part of his lexicon now, Nonsie. Elwin told him he's always loved him like a son and Keefe told him that was pretty rad.

I think once Keefe picked it up Ro might start using it as well. If only because it's something elves don't do/is clearly human and she loves rubbing things in their faces that don't mesh with their world.

Not 100% sure on this one but I could see a line of thinking where Marella would use rad. She's got that kinda popular, chill, aloof attitude. I don't think she'd immediately pick up on it or love it, but it's something she could wield well and deliver sparingly for maximum impact.

Oh also all the drooly boys and Jensi. No thought there they'd just take it and run. Every other sentence is rad, my dude. Coming out of The U like damn those star maps are rad, also mad hard to learn dude.

There may be others but these were the ones that stood out in my mind when I was thinking of the vibe "rad" has :)

[chdarling]

Hi! Love the fic! And I’ve got so many questions to ask but I’m going to limit myself to 3. 1) What is your relationship to the Marauders/Jily community? (i.e. how long have you been a part of it, why did you join it, did you return in lockdown, etc.) 2) Do you have any idea what song you will use for TLE 3 trailer? 3) How do you handle the pressure of creating such a long and popular series? If you think some day you can’t complete it, how will you proceed?

Anon asking the hard-hitting questions!! 😂❤️

Ok let’s see...

1) What is your relationship to the Marauders/Jily community? (i.e. how long have you been a part of it, why did you join it, did you return in lockdown, etc.)

I’m fairly new to the community! Well, I guess it’s been a little over a year now so not THAT new, but I was never engaged in fandom before I started posting TLE. I’ve been a huge jily fan since I first read OOTP back when it came out, but during the early fandom years (by which I mean when the books were still being published), I was 100% a lurker, hanging out on mugglenet and the HP Lexicon. (Nostalgia!) I read a bit of jily fanfic back then (mostly on mugglenet lmao), but generally I just kind of existed in my own little daydream bubble.

I dipped my toes back into reading fanfic (mostly wolfstar for some reason) around 2015 I think? And sometime after that I started writing TLE in earnest. I continued to write it as a secret hobby for literal years. I told no one about it and I had zero intention of ever showing it to anyone, let alone posting it on the internet. Then came COVID and being cooped up alone in an apartment far away from all my family and most of my friends…I was starting to lose my mind so I dove headfirst into finishing The Howling Nights as a way to cope. Then one day I finished it and I felt a little like the dog who catches his own tail lol. Like…what now? I just wrote a 200k fanfic, am I really going to just keep this on my hard drive forever? I decided to post the first few chapters online as a whim…and now here we are. 🙈

I LOVE the jily community. It is filled with some of the most delightful, compassionate, funny people and has honestly brought me so much joy over the past year. I was actually just talking to @the-dream-team today about how wild it still is to me to discover all these people who are equally obsessed with this very niche thing I’ve been secretly obsessed with for half my life. 🤣

2) Do you have any idea what song you will use for TLE 3 trailer?

I sure do. I have all the trailer songs chosen already. (I say all because TLE4 possibly has multiple trailers, since it will likely be split into parts. And because I have zero chill and had multiple songs I wanted to use.) I have the trailers vaguely story boarded in my head too. 😅 Sometimes when I am stuck writing I go for a walk and listen to my TLE trailer music playlist…they are very epic and inspire me to start writing again. Also A+ cardio because they are bangers lmao.

I’m going to keep the songs a surprise though! 😈

3) How do you handle the pressure of creating such a long and popular series? If you think some day you can’t complete it, how will you proceed?

🥴🥴🥴

Honestly I can’t think about this for too long or I get really anxious. 😅 I am SO grateful to everyone who reads, comments, sends me messages, etc. This has genuinely become such a bright spot in my life and I love sharing this story with you.

…but I also have to pretend y’all don’t exist when I write. 😂😂😂

Writing TLE2 has been such a different experience than TLE1, for obvious reasons. With TLE1, I was writing it exclusively for me, and honestly I was mostly just using it as a playground for learning how to write fiction. I’d barely written any fiction at that point beyond a few dabbles in my youth and I had certainly never written a multi-chapter anything. It’s funny to me now to go back and read it and look at different chapters and be like “oh yeah I was learning about dialogue here” or “heh someone was feeling a little experimental with prose in this chapter, huh?” So yeah it was very much just play without any pressure.

TLE2 has a little pressure, I won’t lie. 😂 But for the most part I really just try not to think about it. I exist in my happy little tumblr/discord bubble and I pretend no one else exists when I write. Because if I don’t I’m afraid I’ll subconsciously shift certain characters/plot lines to what I think people want, versus the story I originally set out to tell, and I don’t really want to do that. Thankfully I plotted all four books before I ever posted TLE1 (zero. chill.), so I already know where I’m going.

But yeah it’s kind of nerve-wracking sometimes because I am at my core a people-pleaser (I’m working on it), and I know that I will make choices later in the series that will not necessarily be popular. (Or maybe I already have!) And if I think about that for too long I get really anxious and it stops me from writing so I just…don’t. 🙃

As far as not completing it…I honestly think this silly story will haunt me to my dying day if I don’t finish it. Like, I cannot even tell you how many times I tried to quit it before I even posted TLE1 in 2020. Half the reason it took me so long to finish is because I was constantly berating myself to stop writing it and work on my original stuff (I know, I’m not very nice to me. Working on it!!!). But damn it, this is the story I want to write and I truly don’t think I’ll be able to stop until it’s done. I’ve tried. It didn’t stick. 😂😂😂

That said, you never know what the universe will throw at you. Maybe I should add a line in my will: “if I perish by surprise please dump this specific scrivener file onto tumblr, they’ll know what to do” lmao

Sorry this got ridiculously long. I'm going to blame the glass of wine in my hand but honestly I think I just have a lot of feelings. 😳

[chaoticevilbean]

Voltron Humans are Weird 6/?

The Paladins had once again won an intense battle. It had been on the planet Cygoth, which was home to a group of humanoids. The Cygi, as they were called, had skin in shades of pale pinks and purples and blues. Their heads were like those of bald humans, but with upside down ears and eyes like felines. Instead of five fingers and five toes, the Cygi had four fingers and six toes, to aid them in their strange environment, along with bug-like wings that hid under hard green and yellow shells.

Said environment was one with 'extreme weather conditions' and 'toxic' rain. The Cygi lived in caves that were on a large cliffside. Since the elements often got within the rocks and all the animals were terrestrial and highly territorial, the aliens would hang upside down and crawl across the ceilings like spiders. They also collected rare minerals that grew down to build their homes and helped them grow food in their strange way of living.

It was these minerals that the Galra wanted. Stronger than 98.97% of all other metals or rocks, they could be used to create impenetrable ships and armor. The Cygi had called Voltron to Cygoth to aid them in protecting their resources and freedom. After they had succeeded, and it became clear that the team only wanted to help, no reward necessary, the leader of the Cygi offered an alliance. New armor and some upgrades for the Paladins and Castle, an increased amount of trade for the aliens, and a plethora of allies for both because of their union.

The talks were boring, and the four younger Paladins found themselves quickly becoming inattentive. Lance got them excused and Pidge ran straight to the edge of the central cave, ignoring how the Cygi were suddenly watching them keenly. It was likely to avoid the Terrans getting attacked by the fauna or killed by the 'toxic' rain that was cascading down just outside. A device was pulled from the depths of the Green Paladin's armor to scan the substance pouring from the atmosphere, and they all peered over the girl's shoulder tensely.

The screen lit up in green.

"HECK YEAH!" Keith shouted, his voice echoing loudly against the stone walls. "Nontoxic!"

"C'mon, Paladudes!" Lance waved his hand at the others in a beckoning motion. "It's time to explore this world and turn Shiro's hair whiter than before!"

The kids dashed forward towards the more organic part of the planet's surface, but paused and turned at the sound of buzzing.

A large group of Cygi were heading straight for the humans, frantic expressions and furiously beating wings drawing the Paladins' attention. It seemed that the team's newest allies were more knowledgeable about their intentions, and were attempting to avoid what they assumed was a dangerous situation.

The teens were not about to let that happen.

"BREAK FOR IT!" Hunk screamed, and there was no way that Shiro and Allura didn't hear that. They only had a few minutes before they would be caught in their escape. The humans dashed for the entrance, and Keith was definitely gonna make it. Pidge wasn't, and Hunk was a coin toss, so Lance took action. The self-sacrificing idiot.

The Blue Paladin grabbed his smaller friend and threw her at his bro.

"CATCH!" The cook caught the child easily, still sprinting to freedom. But the action left Lance behind the herd and much closer to the Cygi. It became obvious how close when his feet left the ground.

"What the flippity floppity flapjack‽ WOAH!" The flying aliens were swift to bring the Terran over to the suspended platform where Shiro, Allura, and all the diplomats were staring down from. It was from there that the kids had originally climbed down the rungs of the strange ladder to get to the floor. "Ah, you lily-livered sons of witches! You snackers! Oh, tick-tack snick-snack frick-frack paddlywack! My father will hear about this, you barnacle-covered Caprisun knock-offs! I'll steal your kneecaps and eat your curtains! You moldy walnuts!" He continued spouting off insults as he was carried over to his leaders, smiling slightly at the look of exasperation on Shiro's face. His words stopped the moment his feet hit the mioxite platform, smile growing exponentially.

"Lance, what were you guys doing?" The older man didn't let Allura speak, taking over the conversation immediately.

"The rain isn't toxic for us, so we were gonna explore. I gotta join the others soon."

"No, you don't gotta."

"I do gotta."

"Why?"

"You want Keith and Pidge alone in unknown territory with just Hunk as their voice of reason?"

"You definitely gotta."

"Shiro, Lance, what is going on?" Allura finally managed to interject. The humans turned towards the Altean, both confused. Lance had just said that he and the others were going to explore Cygoth.

"What d'you mean, princess?"

"What code was Lance speaking?"

"Code? What co- oh." The Black Paladin's face lit up in realization. "She meant the curses. Lance, explain."

"I was cussing without swear words."

"What?"

"I was spouting profanities without ever using actual words that are considered profane. For instance." The boy faced his fellow Terran once more. "Let me strawberries and cream go before I rocky road your face, you useless paperclip."

"Where's that from?"

"Ice cream flavors with the classic inanimate objects with no function. From Tumblr."

"What is ice cream? Is it more... omnivore things?" Allura seemed to be scared she might have to hear more about the meat-eating habits of humans.

"Nah, don't worry, princess," Lance assured her. "Ice cream is a chilled treat back home. We found out that there's many animals we can safely farm for their milk. When done correctly, it doesn't harm the animals, and we can process the milk for consumption. Process the milk properly, and then you can get ice cream. It comes in many flavors."

"Such as?"

"Strawberries and cream, and rocky road, to name some."

"Are any of those poisonous?"

"I think lactose might be, which is in a good portion of milk, and some nuts are, and definitely chocolate. So, to animals, yeah, most ice cream is toxic, but not always enough to do more than a stomachache."

"Princess, I can take over explaining, but Lance has to go make sure none of the others get into trouble."

The Blue Paladin took that as his cue to leave, climbing down the ladder once more and bolting back to the entrance. In moments, he had disappeared from view, joining his fellow humans outside the caves. Shiro watched him go, internally wishing he could join them.

But they had once again caused a situation that needed explaining, and Lance was needed to prevent an actual disaster from happening, so Shiro had to do damage control solo this time. That's what he got for letting four teenagers kidnap him back into space.

If a human seems to be speaking in code, yet other humans seem to understand them, even on a basic level, ask if they are speaking in 'slang'. This is a Terran term that encompasses many variations of speaking. Much like the difference in linguistics between Blue and Green Zithians, humans will likely have very different slang depending on where they spent their time. A place called Tumbler often fosters a more complex version, whereas Insta Gram has a simpler code.

Humans might invent their own slang in order to packbond properly with one another. Two groups of Terrans hailing from the same locations may have entirely different lexicons due to the change that each team may make. Some individuals may even know more than two versions of slang, in order to establish better relations with their fellow humans. There is very little evidence of what requirements are needed to include learning more than one variation of slang. An example of this would best be shown by the following interaction:

Terran Blue, addressing Terran Yellow: Then he just yeeted it at me, as though I was gonna sit there like a soggy popsicle.

Terran Yellow, responding: That doesn't explain why you turned him into an ice cube.

Terran Green, addressing Terran Blue: "Blue", what was the 411 on those rocket launchers?

Terran Blue, responding: The main man blew a gasket. Didn't make it far, but managed to nab a couple of the suckers.

Terran Yellow, addressing Terran Green: You throw a glitter bomb down the chutes and I'll cop all the cookies.

Terran Green, responding: Do it and you'll lose your kneecaps.

In the above interaction, it was explained that Terran Blue and Terran Yellow were discussing an instance where an object was hurled towards Terran Blue's head. He dodged the object and used a weapon to freeze his opponent in a section of ice. Terran Green was inquiring about a mission and the weapons that were supposed to be gained if it succeeded. Terran Blue informed of the partial success they achieved, after which Terran Yellow warned Terran Green to not perform certain playful acts. Terran Green responded with a more intimidating warning.

However, as seen, there were many different instances of slang usage. All three of the humans used at least two versions, yet they all hold very different positions. Terran Green is a scientist, Terran Yellow is (assumed to be) a chef, and Terran Blue is (assumed to be) a diplomat. Their needs for their positions are greatly varied, leading to confusion as to the education of humans.

In all events of slang use, please proceed with great caution. A greater percentage of this subject is unknown than the previous logs. Refrain from attempting the replication of slang unless the code has been explained to you by a Terran. Humans have not shown much aggression yet, but they may do so if provoked on an emotional level.

[laineystein]

זכיתי כלכך 💚

The Boy™️ came home from work late tonight. Later than usual. I didn’t have dinner or anything cooked for him. You can roll your eyes. Yes, that’s expected. He’d do it for me. He has. He did for over a year when he was working from home and I practically lived at the hospital. He’d hear my keys at the door and he’d meet me, a trash bag in hand. I always immediately stripped out of my scrubs when I got home so we could throw them into the washer. A few times I was so tired and my body ached so badly that I couldn’t even stand. I collapsed more times than I could count, half-naked in his arms on the kitchen floor. I blocked a lot of it out, to be honest. I’m forever the girl with boundless energy. During 2020 my body didn’t even feel like mine. I was constantly in a brain fog - it wasn’t just those with covid who suffered that side effect but the medical professionals that treated them too.

Things have improved. But we all have this creeping feeling that the monster in the woods that we thought we had slayer never really died. And now that we recognize it through vaccines and variances we’re too tired to run. To be honest I’ve been getting home from work, showering, and then getting into sweats. Usually I end up on the couch with a book. Usually I don’t end up reading it. I scroll mindlessly through my phone. And when I motivate myself to get up and do something I can only manage a few pages in my siddur before I’m tired again. I’ve been crying a lot. I look like shit. I feel even worse. It no longer matters how well I eat or how disciplined my sleep and gym schedules are; there’s only so much the body and mind can take.

I genuinely thought we were all recovering. When they told us there’d be a second wave we didn’t give it much thought. We’d been through the worse and now we were better for it. We were vaccinated. Much of the population is vaccinated. If it got bad again, it could never be as bad as it was. Nothing could ever be that bad. This should all be easier.

Tonight I skipped the couch. Sadly I skipped my afternoon tefillah. I fell right into bed and when the Boy™️ got home I didn’t even get up to greet him. He called out for me and I didn’t answer. I had left the hallway light on so he knew I was home. He appeared in the doorway. “Lihi?” My head felt so heavy when I lifted it. And blinked. I didn’t even realize I had been crying. He sighed and came to me. I shook my head and laid back down. He pressed a hand to my thigh, then one to my shoulder for leverage as he leaned down to kiss my head. The tears I wasn’t even aware of came harder then. I continued to cry until I couldn’t anymore. Then I was just blinking at the moving shadow caused by the rotating ceiling fan. By the time he got out of the shower I was asleep again, woken up when he pulled the covers up over me and turned off the light.

Eventually I pulled myself together and went to him. He was in the kitchen making himself something to eat. I didn’t have the energy to apologize for not doing it for him. I just wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed. I didn’t want to let go. When he wrapped his arms around me I felt my entire body relax. With it, a wave of chills, and a head that throbbed. He told me to go back to bed and when I didn’t he tossed me over his shoulder and brought me there himself. It was the first time I’d smiled since I got home. His laugh has never given me any alternative.

We didn’t talk. He knew I was awake but he didn’t push. He picked up the scrubs I’d left on the floor. He threw a load of laundry in. I heard him in my part of the closet, making sure I had clean scrubs for tomorrow - all things I usually do for myself before bed. Then he got into bed beside me. While I laid there staring into oblivion, listening to the downtown sounds muffled by the central air, I heard him take out his laptop. He put his glasses back on and got back to work.

I realized then how before we started dating he always worked so late. I realized now that he still worked late, only now he does it at home so I’m not alone. Even I, who often is out of bed at 1:30 in the morning to go to the gym and get to work by 3:00am, can’t afford him those same courtesies. He’s on a work call now (his company has offices all over the world so he often has meetings at unusual hours). Before he left the room he said: “Maybe I should just move uptown with you.” Another sacrifice I didn’t ask for, that he most certainly doesn’t owe me, that he somehow gave so little thought to because it already made so much sense to him. I didn’t say anything.

I don’t know when any of this will get better, especially because right now none of us know how bad it’s really going to get again. I don’t know if in a few years, when this is really all behind us, if my PTSD will still be this bad. There is so much of my future as a physician that feels so uncertain. But what I do know is that I am the luckiest girl to have someone like him in my life. I thank Hashem everyday for all he does for me and just for giving me this man that is so selfless and kind and gentle and loving. I adore him. There aren’t enough words in the lexicon to even touch upon how much he means to me. But out of all of the feelings that completely overwhelm me everyday: defeat, exhaustion, frustration - being loved by him and having the privilege to love him in return is my favorite by far.

[passionate-reply]

This week on Great Albums, we look at a surprisingly experimental album from a band who got royally screwed by their record label: Propaganda, with their arguable only LP, A Secret Wish. Oh, and did I mention that that record label was none other than Zang Tuum Tumb, run by none other than Trevor Horn? Find out the whole story in the video, or in the transcript below the break.

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! In this installment, I’ll be looking at a relative sleeper of its era, with a unique sound that’s set it apart and won it a contingent of cult followers over the years: A Secret Wish, the first, and only, studio album from the classic lineup of Propaganda, first released in 1985.

First formed in Duesseldorf, West Germany by Ralf Doerper of Die Krupps, Propaganda soon relocated to Great Britain in the hopes of finding a wider audience for their music. Their lucky break came in the form of being signed to the record label Zang Tumb Tuum, headed by then-rising star, Trevor Horn. Fresh off his first major success as a producer, ABC’s The Lexicon of Love, Horn then lent his famous production chops to Propaganda’s first single, “Dr. Mabuse.”

Music: “Dr. Mabuse”

The first time I heard “Dr. Mabuse,” I wasn’t familiar with the titular character, and that might be true for you, too, if you’re from the Anglosphere like me. Dr. Mabuse was a literary villain invented by Norbert Jacques, and later made much more famous in a film adaptation of his tale directed by Fritz Lang, the mastermind behind Metropolis. A manipulative criminal kingpin, Mabuse wields strange powers like psychic possession and astral projection, which, despite their seemingly occult origins, often exploit modern technologies, like cinema screens that can hypnotize people. While he may sound like the perfect subject for a chilling, brooding synth-pop anthem, I can’t help but wonder if the character’s relative lack of recognition in the English-speaking world may have hampered this single’s success. While its ominous, gothic energy sets it apart from much of Horn’s other work, it still has some of his characteristic bombast behind its sinister hook, and has an evident “hit single” feel. Still, it performed significantly better in Continental Europe than elsewhere.

Much like ABC’s famous hit, “The Look of Love,” was expanded into a four-part suite that included an instrumental reprise on its LP, this version of “Dr. Mabuse” is listed on the album with the subtitle “First Life,” and assorted variants of it were available in different formats. It also received an arguable reprise with the album’s final track, titled “Strength to Dream / The Last Word.” The title is a bit more opaque than that of “The Look of Love (Part Four),” which made the relationship more obvious, but the synth sequences do bear a rather strong resemblance.

Music: “Strength to Dream / The Last Word”

Unfortunately for Propaganda, Trevor Horn quickly became a little too successful for his own good. Labelmates Frankie Goes to Hollywood achieved unprecedented success with Welcome to the Pleasuredome, and their famous singles “Relax” and “Two Tribes,” which led Zang Tumb Tuum to throw almost all of their promotional support behind their newfound golden child. The release of A Secret Wish was postponed, and Horn was no longer able to produce the rest of the album, besides “Dr. Mabuse.” But despite the fact that Horn isn’t actually here, there’s still a noticeable attempt to finish the album in an aesthetically similar, “in-the-style-of” fashion, and the end result is an LP that's surprisingly quite sonically cohesive!

Music: “Jewel”

With its abrasive textures, aggressive energy, and heavy emphasis on percussion, “Jewel” feels more like a track from the Art of Noise than it does Horn’s triumphant pop productions like “Relax.” “Jewel” also has an alter ego on the same album, and serves as a sort of evil doppelgaenger for the similarly-titled track, “Duel.” The two tracks feature the same lyrics, but vastly different treatments and moods.

Music: “Duel”

I like to think “Jewel” displays how a tumultuous relationship looks from outside, painful and unpredictable, whereas “Duel” is a bit like experiencing it yourself, and being so enraptured by the blissful pain that you don’t realize how frightening the lyrics actually are. Besides the much softer instrumentals, the lead vocal performance by Claudia Bruecken is also markedly different, and I think the contrast between the two is a testament to her vocal chops. Throughout the album, Bruecken’s voice is rich and full of character, setting her apart as one of the more distinctive vocalists in 80s synth-pop.

Overall, “Duel” is perhaps the most accessible and easy to like track on A Secret Wish, and it accordingly became the album’s biggest hit. But unlike most obvious singles, it arrives at the tail end of the album’s first side, after a slew of much more experimental tracks. Not only does “Jewel” arrive before “Duel” does, but the album’s opening track, “Dream Within a Dream,” is an eight-minute psychedelic opus based around a text by Edgar Allen Poe! “Duel” feels a bit like a break for refreshments after listening to the earlier parts of the album. It really is a surprisingly experimental work given its relative commercial success, reaching #16 on the UK albums chart. Still, despite that success, *A Secret Wish* doesn’t seem too strongly remembered today, which is something I’d certainly like to see change. Counterbalanced between pop and the avant-garde, this album sounds like a cross between the Eurythmics and Einstuerzende Neubauten--something I say with as much affection as possible!

At first glance, the cover of A Secret Wish almost appears abstract, an inky web of squiggles. But upon closer inspection, one can see that the object depicted on the cover is actually a dress form, a wireframe in the shape of a human torso, which might be used to display clothing in a retail setting, or in the design of clothing.

While this emblem may not sound particularly sinister, I’m tempted to compare it to Harry Harlow’s famous experiments on rhesus monkeys. Harlow took orphaned baby monkeys and offered them a “cloth mother” and a “wire mother.” Artificial effigies of monkey mothers dispensed food for the test subjects--one with a soft and cuddly body of cloth, and one with a cold and barren armature of wire. When distressed, Harlow’s monkeys sought shelter and comfort from the cloth mothers, regardless of which mother had dispensed food to them, suggesting that the comfort of their soft touch had a value of its own to the monkeys. The results of this research have often been used to suggest the importance of physical contact between children and their caregivers. Propaganda’s use of the cold, bare, female-coded wire frame, enshrined, alone, in the center of a drab-coloured composition, centers the idea of the inhospitable and the unloving. Perhaps it is a symbol of the inhumanity and alienation of modern life?

As I hinted at earlier, A Secret Wish ended up being the only album this version of Propaganda managed to put together, despite the tremendous promise that it shows. Feeling flagrantly under-compensated per the terms of their contract with Zang Tumb Tuum, the members of the band went to court, and eventually jumped ship to Virgin Records instead. That is, except for Claudia Bruecken, who decided to stick with Zang Tumb Tuum for several more years. Later in the 80s, she would team up with Thomas Leer to form the synth-pop duo Act, whose lone LP, Laughter, Tears, & Rage, is a worthwhile listen that I would consider the ideal follow-up to A Secret Wish--though it’s markedly less experimental and percussion-driven, sounding more like late 80s, post-Pet Shop Boys, baroque synth-pop.

Music: “Absolutely Immune”

My personal favourite track on A Secret Wish is the album’s final single, “p:Machinery.” With pounding percussion and buzzing synths, not to mention some dramatic and dystopian lyrics, this is definitely the track on the album that reminds me of Ralf Doerper’s industrial music roots! Apparently, parts of this track’s melody were composed by none other than Japan’s David Sylvian, who receives a minor thank-you in its liner notes. While I don’t think the finished track sounds terribly similar to anything of Sylvian’s, I can’t say I don’t find that pretty interesting. That’s everything for today--thanks for listening!

Music: “p:Machinery”

[fearsmagazine]

Courtney Gains’ MALACHAI RISING NFT available September 23rd, 2021.

Children of the Corn star Courtney Gains will release an NFT (Non-Fungible Token) art collection called "Malachai Rising". The 9-piece collection is a mixture of digital and physical artworks produced by the master of horror painting, Gary Pullin A.K.A. Goulish.

More and more artists are using an NFT to display and sell their digital assets online. NFTs are popular because they use a highly secure technology called blockchain which ensures that the art is permanent and uncopyable. This permanence and guarantee of authenticity are what also make NFTs very valuable. Some of the most sought-after NFT art pieces have sold for millions of dollars in recent months.

Courtney Gains' "Malachai Rising" NFT collection stands to rake in nearly 20 million dollars during its 24-hour auction event on September 23 making it the second-highest-grossing NFT in history behind Beeple's 69 million dollar "First 5,000 Days".

Gains, whose other credits include Back to the Future, Memphis Belle, and Sweet Home Alabama, is gifting numbered editions of the first NFT directly to 1,984 of his fans.

"This is something fun for everyone who wants to have a piece of this history." When he says everyone, he means anyone who can actually get into the time-limited event. Popular NFT drops are notorious for jammed ques of eager collectors all trying to connect at once. "We will hopefully minimize that rush by giving away most of the NFTs in batches over 8 days before the main event." says Gains, "It's very important to me that everyone who wants to be part of this is gets something from it." The remaining eight NFTs range in prices from $19.84 to $19,840,000.00 all based on the year 1984 when the film was released. The works are inspired by Malachai's appearance in the original film with the main attraction of the event being an original digital painting by Gary Pullin of a larger-than-life Malachai looming over a darkened cornfield. The painting also appears on the album cover and cd case for the remastered soundtrack. This main event NFT will be sold Dutch Auction style where the price starts at 19+ Million and falls every millisecond until someone buys it. By winning the NFT, the buyer also acquires the 1 of 1 18" x 24" archival print of the painting signed by Gary Pullin and Courtney Gains.

Fans will be able to get a slice of ‘80's culture during the all-day auction Thursday, September 23rd, and can sign up for more information on the website www.malachairising.com starting September 1st.

In the early '80s, 18-year-old Gains tried out for a role in an upcoming low-budget horror film. Courtney's intense audition prompted producers to cast him on the spot as the "very troubled" teenager, Malachai. The film that he was to star in was based on a Steven King short story called Children of the Corn. Gains was not aware at the time, but the shocking performance he was about to deliver would become the fuel of nightmares for decades.

The phrase Children of the Corn has become ingrained in the cultural lexicon so much so that when a group of young people starts behaving unruly, they are referred to as Children of the Corn, or when kids erupt into a cafeteria food fight they are described as acting like Children of the Corn. The nearly 40-year-old film routinely appears on top ten lists of favorite horror film classics, with much of the credit going to haunting memories of Courtney Gains' portrayal of Malachai, and rightfully so.

During the first few minutes of the film, Gains' Malachai brutally slashes the throat of an unsuspecting diner customer and proceeds to assist other children in the mass murder of the town's remaining adults. For the next 85 minutes, moviegoers hold their breath every time Malachai appears on the screen. Courtney Gain's performance as Malachai is particularly terrifying because it feels so authentic. His passionate rage-filled monologues resonate with our natural contempt for corrupt authority and the desire to be part of something righteous. As he believably twists these puritan ideas into unchecked evil, we recoil in fear because we know that a monster like Malachai could exist among us.

In a behind-the-scenes interview, Courtney said that to prepare for some of the scenes he would walk through the rows of corn on the way to set and say to himself, "This is my corn." That he would be taken over by the muse of Malachai, and he would arrive on set with a look in his eyes that even his parents said was intense. Gains stayed very serious and committed to his character throughout production and would not allow himself to celebrate or be happy until filming was complete. When it was all over and the film was released, several critics panned Children of the Corn as fluff. Fans were not discouraged and word began to spread that this movie was different and not to be missed. Its legacy as one of the scariest horror films of the time had taken hold. At the box office, Children of the Corn earned more than 15 times what it cost to make, and solidified Courtney Gains as a bonafide movie star while permanently etching the character of Malachai into the history pages of ‘80's pop culture.

Fast forward 38 years. Courtney Gains has remained humble and grateful for the opportunity he was given so many years ago. He happily accepts requests from fans to take pictures and sign autographs. He still laughs when they tell him Malachai haunted their dreams after they watched the movie and how they still get chills when they drive past a cornfield.

The film's lasting allure to fans is also evident in the continuous flow of sequels and merchandise surrounding the title. The Children of the Corn franchise includes 10 films translated to over 15 languages. There are Children of the Corn branded clothing lines, memorabilia, fan sites, and a made-for-TV movie. This year, a completely remastered version of the original soundtrack was released on Vinyl and CD. The first 3 movies were given 4K digital restorations from their original film negatives, and those will be released on Ultra HD and Blu-ray this September.

[camille-lachenille]

How many stutents are there at Hogwarts ?

DISCLAIMER : English is not my first language so, please, excuse the mistakes. I try my best not to kill your eyes with atrocious mistakes but grammar and verbs are my weak points. That being said, let's begin !

Last night, I was once more reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. And there is this scene during the Final Quidditch Match between Slytherin and Gryffindor where all the schools suports Gryffindor so the crowd is all red and gold, except for 200 students who wear green and silver : Behind the Slytherin goalposts, however, two hundred pepople where wearing green... (POA page 225). And my brain couldn't makes this information fit into the logic of HP so I had to wirte a huge post about it.

This fact implies that these 200 students are all in Slytherin because it is clearly said in the book that Three quarters of the crowd were wearing scarlet rosettes, waving scarlet flags with the Gryffindor lion unpon them... (POA 225). Therefore, we can suppose there is slightly the same number of students in each house, for some evident logistic reasons. And it means there is about 800 students who live at Hogwarts.

THAT'S where there is a problem. Because WHERE do these students live ? Where do they sleep, eat, spend their free time, etc ?

And, who are the parents ? we know thar the Wizarding community is small and not every family has as many childrens as the Weasleys. So, even if we count the muggle-borns, there is not a huge number of magical kids in UK that reach 11 each year.

Let's talk about room in the Castle : we know that Hogwarts is a big castle, full of empty classrooms, dusty hallways and almost unexplored parts (at east, unexplored by the average student who hasn't any invisiblility cloak). But the students live in their common rooms and dorms. They frequent the Great Hall, the Library and a reasonable number of classrooms.

The said common rooms, despite having a comfortable size to allow numerous teenagers to chill, work or organise an party in, are not gigantic. And the dorms do not contain à lot of beds for each year.

And now, it is time for a bit of Maths (I hate Maths but it's for the good cause) :

Admitting there are 200 students per house, here are the theoretical calculation :

So, there are 800 students at Hogwarts, 200 per house, more or less the same number per year. There are seven years and two rooms per year, one for girls and one for boys.

This means : 200/7= 28,57... Let's take 28 student per year in each House, because it's easier and I think there isn't any half-student at Hogwarts.

then 28/2 = 14 This means there are 14 students in the boys' room and 14 in the girls' room. Which makes very big dorms. Imagine sharing a room with 13 other girls/boys for 7 years. It would drive me insane in less than three months. And I won't talk about the noise and crowd in the Common Rooms or in the Great Hall...

So, it is imposible that there are 800 in the Castel, just because it would be way to much and all the teachers, students and other persons living at Hogwarts would became totally mad after a few days.

Now, here are my own calculus, based on Harry's year students and some informations from the HP Lexicon :

Here is the number of students we we know BY NAME for each House during school year 1993-1994 (POA). This list is based on the HP Lexicon list and I had to esimate the year of some characters but they are all presents at Hogwarts during Harry's third year :

Gryffindor - 25 ; Hufflepuff - 14 ; Ravenclaw - 18 ; Slytherin - 18 ; Unknown House - 3

25+14+18+18+3 = 78 These 78 students are from every year and every House, wich is immediately much more reasonable.

Then, we know that there are 5 boys in Harry's room and at least 3 in Hermione's one. It makes 7 students at gryffindor in Harry's year, this is not even close to the theoretical number of 14 we found before.

I found a list written by JKR on the HP Lexicon that said that there are 40 students in Harry's year. 10 per House, 5 girls and 5 boys. It seems pretty logical and possible. Here is the link : The Class List – Harry Potter Lexicon (hp-lexicon.org)

Based on this information, I assume there is on average 40 students per year, equally distributed between the four Houses and two genders (I obviously over-simplify the gender spectrum to fit a model and simplify the maths, but I am aware that gender is much more complex than that).

So let's make a little multiplication : 40x7 = 280 This means there are AT LEAST 280 students at Hogwarts, wich is way less than the theoretical 800 students.

The HP Lexicon's article dedicated to Hogwarts says : Hogwarts is home to a student body of between 300 and 400 students, around fifteen teachers and staff, numerous ghosts, house-elves, and a particularly annoying poltergeist.

So my result isn't too far from reality. Which is a good thing because it proves I can do maths.

And if we take the maximum number of students, 400, it means there are between 14 and 15 students per house and per year. These students are in rooms of 7 or 8, which is totally possible in terms of space and livable during seven years.

To conclude

JKR can't count ! I totally understand that she wanted to give a sense of excess and tension during the Quidditch Final but she could have been more vague about the number of Slytherin's supporters. Because this number, 200, just made my brain stop and reread the sentence over and over to be sure it wasn't a mistake. Even if you don't overthink about it (like me, ops), it seems pretty excessive and impossible in term of student numbers in Hogwarts.

So, the point of this whole essay was to point the fact that little details like this are pretty important to the consistency of an universe. You can't just throw an number to give a sense of crowd but, doing so, breaking your own logic. So, yes Harry Potter is a really good book, but it is full of small inconsistencies like the example I developped in this post and these mistakes could have been easily avoided.

Links to my sources :

Hogwarts students Archives – Harry Potter Lexicon (hp-lexicon.org)

Category:British or Irish individuals | Harry Potter Wiki | Fandom

J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 1999, Bloomsbury.

Thanks to listening my TedX Talk and I wish you a nice day !