#chev chelios

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

Crank (2006) dir. Neveldine

[tyger-land]

[gordonstanheight]

i need to watch crank 2 but i think the first one’s ending is unironically perfect and i think the 2nd one would ruin that a little bit for me. will tune in eventually though. jason statham there is something so insane about you

[algernon97]

You guys ever think about how the two Crank movies were some of the most anarchic explosions of creativity and bad taste and haven’t been matched since, or is that just me?

[falle-ness]

Anyone in Slow Horses fandom has seen an old action flick Crank (2006) with Jason Statham? I just stumbled upon a picture of Statham, remembered about that hilarious movie, thought of River, and my gears started turning...

A quick reminder, courtesy of IMDB: a professional assassin Chev Chelios learns his rival has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops.

An extreme AU where River Cartwright has been injected with poison. If he wants to live, he's gotta keep his heart rate going.

If it drops, he's dead. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

[kameasorrells]

My redraw of the Enter shikari slipshod lineup with the Crank movie characters 🫀💉

In order from the left is Chester Bennington, Eve, Chev chelios, and kaylo

[everythingisok3000]

Crank 3: Pissed Off

Chev Chelios is back at it again except this time they took both his kidneys and that means he's gotta drink a lot of alcohol and take a lot of pee breaks. There will be lots of slurs and representation. There will be a scene where he has inexplicable public sex with his girlfriend again. If you show it to a young christian child they will explode

[dawormgawd]

looking for some one that can gwt in touch with Hollywood studios, i have a promising spec script for a 'crank' sequel called 'crank 3: maximum velocity'. they will attach chev chelios' head to a car, and make his canonically huge dick the drive shaft

[delmondo]

fackin ell. i'm chev chelios.

[umnitsa]

I love this man. Maybe I should write Crank fanfic, I’ve always wanted to take a chance writing Chev Chelios 🤔

(Also Luke Wright and Lee Christmas)

JASON STATHAM as JONAS TAYLOR The Meg (2018) dir. Jon Turteltaub

[kramlabs]

https://coaches.poliquingroup.com/ArticlesMultimedia/Articles/PrinterFriendly.aspx?ID=1416&lang=EN#:~:text=%232%3A%20Boost%20Catecholamines%20For%20Higher%20Metabolic%20Rate&text=They%20stimulate%20the%20central%20nervous,fat%20tissue%20and%20active%20muscles.

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[crank2006]

people on tiktok complaining about their “small fandoms” will never be us in the crank fandom. don’t mess with us crank fans there’s only 3 of us

[vegapunk123]

Crank: Get High or Get Owned

(thanks anon from 4chan for the initial idea of this fanfic)

Chapter 1

Chev Chelios wakes up miraculously after being severely burned. The first thing he tries is to call for his beloved Eve, but he can’t: his vocal chords are severely damaged. He tries to look around to see where is, but every move he tries to make is followed by excruciating pain, almost enough to make him a goner for good this time. The only thing he can see in full detail is the green moldy ceiling, with lots of dripping spots. Right after he notices that, he feels the bandages of his forehead becoming a tad wet.

“Oh, that’s just fucking great, chinese fucking torture by leaking ceiling… I came back from the dead yet again just for celestial laughs?” - thought Chev, twiching his eyes with burning anger. “Well, misery is my middle fucking name at this point, you fucking cunts with halo gonna have to try harder than that.” Now, he’s fiercely determined on two basic objectives: to stop getting drippings on his head and to know where exactly he is.

He tries with all his might to turn his body on the metal stretcher he is on by pushing back and forth and wobbling with his extremely injured back, each attempt more strenous than the previous one, until finally he gets what he wants, sort of.

The two rusty wheels of the stretcher have broken, making him tumbling down and roilling over a few times until he has his face planted on the cold and dusty wooden ground, with his buttocks exposed due to the loosening of his bandages.

“Fuck you, bastards, I would say to kiss my ass, but that would be way too on the nose… How about to suck my balls?” - envisioned Chelios, enveloped in a thick blanket of pain, trying not to pass out and bite off his tongue by accident. He gives a slow turn with his neck and takes a gander at the room. It has a banged up gray counter with lots of dents, a blue pantry with a few bullet holes and a wooden analogical clock. Passing the entrance of the room, all he see is pitch-black darkness.

At least, he was able to cross his two objectives off of his to do list all at once: his head is terribly dirty with no water in sight and he now knows he is on one of the many back alley clinics of Doctor Miles, the remarkably one where the two of them met for the very first time, for the removal of a handful of bullets.

“Huh, how nostagical of him. Now, how the fuck am I going to leave this place, fucked up like this? - conceived him. But not to worry, Chelios, the cavalry to heal you is here, albeit not for noble reasons. He hears fast steps coming at his direction, and he wonders who might be. Eve? Doc? Venus? A Triads goon? A random sod he angered from his colorful criminal past?

The steps slow down, and a bulky menacing figure appears sideways, with a dark hoodie, with gloves and a waist pouch. Every inch of the stranger is covered in black cloth. And then their head turn, revealing a bright red devil mask, with frightening deep yellow eyes, with blue pupils, complemented by unnerving brown and thick eyebrows; big pointy ears and a large open mouth with several silver teeth, and four very proeminent cuspids.

"What the fuck? An urban demon? Am I actually dead? Is he gonna punish me by buttfucking me until my asshole catches on fire by friction? With no lube?” - pondered Chev, starting to anxiously sweat.

The masked figure calmly opens their zipper pouch and take it out a syringe with a blue liquid in it. They slowly come closer to Chev, squat, inject the solution in Chelios’s ass, swiftly stand up, put the empty syringe back to the pouch and stare at him. The last words our protagonist hears before getting unconscious are: “Dà pìgu…”, uttered with a raspy and somewhat aroused tone.

The mysterious person lifts him up with relative ease, carries him on their shoulder and starts to whistle nonchalantly, heading to the blue van close to the building. They put our unconscious mercenary in the trunk and leave with three more people, one driver and two lookouts with Uzis, each engraved on gold with the word “hustle”. The sun in LA begins to fade, making the smog look emerald green.

[literallyeverythingandeverything]

Discuss

[spookyspemilyreid]

[mrsvasiliev]

Guess what I did instead of working on that Shobbs fic?

So instead of writing that fic I promised @thefuckingwarship, I compiled a list! A list that is fueled by my love for Jason Statham.  But this is not a typical “actor crush” where I think an actor is hot or charming. This is what I call a “dad crush” where I often find myself wishing his badass characters would be my dad. It probably has to do with the fact that he spends two movies bonding with little Chinese girls. As a former little Chinese girl, I am very affected. So I made a list, with notes, ranking every character I’ve seen him play in order of my dad preference. Please feel free to add to this or disagree with me. I’d love to hear other people’s opinions on his dad potential.  (I’ll get back to working on that fic I swear!)

Metrics: 

Ranking: My order of preference for how much I want them to be my dad. Not necessarily logical. Not fully based on other ratings.

Fun factor: how much fun you have when you are with him. How funny/cool they are. Does not indicate care/ reliability/ bond.

Dad factor: reliability. emotional availability. protectiveness. General dad qualities. 

1. Jonas Taylor - charming and good with kids. Not an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Has good healthy relationships with everyone. Lives in a world where it’s “take your kids to work day” every day, which means awesome ocean adventures and learning how to fight sharks. Fun Factor: 10/10   Dad Factor: 9/10

2. Phil Broker -  Like Jonas, he is also good with kids, emotionally available and balanced.  Stay at home dad, with dad powers at 1000%. Will rescue you single-handedly from kidnappers. Will go horseback riding with you after school. Will do literally anything for you, from kicking asses to licking boots. Loses first place to Jonas because he has no personality/hobbies outside of being the best dad ever. I can see the relationship being a little suffocating as you grow older. Won’t take you on cool adventures like fighting biker gangs and blowing up meth labs, because he’s too protective. :( Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 100/10

3. Luke Wright - Cool, laid back dad. Treats you as an equal. Will respect your autonomy and intelligence. Happy to let you spread your wings, but always there to catch you when you fall. Will run your enemies over with a car several times.  Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 10/10

4. Deckard Shaw - Displayed a lot of cool uncle vibes with baby Brian, so definitely great with kids. Psycho-bananas for family. Probably will be a very involved and protective dad. Unlike Phil, who completely divorces himself from his job to be a dad, being a badass assassin is basically the Shaw family business. You will learn how to make bombs and kill people. Will have many cool adventures saving the world. Fun Factor: 15/10   Dad Factor: 8/10

5. Jensen Ames - Good solid family man type. Works hard to provide for you. Breaks out of jail and murders people to get daughter back. Will raise you in a dystopian Mexican junkyard. Fun Factor: 2/10   Dad Factor: 9/10

6.  Rick Ford - Most embarrassing dad ever! You will probably not survive past puberty because you would have died of embarrassment at some point. Will tackle being a dad with as much intensity and enthusiasm as everything else. Honestly kind of cute in his earnestness. Fun Factor: 4/10   Dad Factor: 11/10

7. Danny Bryce - Emotionally stunted tough guy. Is responsible and competent. Like Phil, he leaves his badassery behind for his family, so no awesome adventures. :( Cares about you in his own gruff way, but has trouble expressing it probably. You can always depend on him. Fun Factor: 4/10   Dad Factor: 7/10

8.  Turkish - Great sense of humour, cool dude, seems like a good time to be around. Hustling to make a living and provide for you. Lost to Danny because he is a little bumbling and not very competent. You might lose your dad because he got killed by gangsters or arrested by the police. Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 6/10

9. Lee Christmas - Lee seems like a cool dude too. Not around a lot, but shows a genuine desire for family (i.e. the Lacy debacle). Would treasure his relationship with you. You’ll have a good time whenever he is around, but he would be gone for months at a time. Expect to have 20 badass, doting aunts/uncles. Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 4/10

10. Quentin Connors - Intelligent and competent. He has a sense of loyalty but ultimately is selfish and a little narcissistic. Not a good man. But he does have one billion dollars. My moral compass kind of goes haywire from the magnetic pull of one billion dollars. Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 4/10

11. Tony Leather - Family man with questionable priorities. Claims to be pulling jobs to provide for his family, but clearly attached to his criminal buddies and lifestyle. Disregards his wife's concerns and protests. Tony cares about his family but can’t prioritize it over the con. Good with his kids though. Fun Factor: 5/10   Dad Factor: 4/10

12. Chev Chelios- Human disaster. Trying to improve himself. Probably not a responsible dad, but will make an honest effort. Will bring you to some horribly inappropriate places. Will let you get away with a lot. Fun factor: 6/10  Dad factor: 4/10

13.  Jack Crawford - Obsessed with finding his partner’s killer. You’ll always take a backseat to the case. Total disappointment of a dad. Does care about you and will try, but expect to be tossed to the side as soon as he gets a lead. Fun Factor: 2/10   Dad Factor: 3/10

14. Bateman - Loving guy. Seems smart and charming. Like Christmas, he has a longing for family and will likely treasure his relationship with any children of his. Is, unfortunately, a crackhead, therefore cannot be trusted to be responsible for kids. Fun Factor: 5/10   Dad Factor: 2/10

15. Nick Wild - Has a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility. But is also a self-destructive, compulsive gambler. Is definitely an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Will care about you, but will not be emotionally available. Can count on him to avenge you for your murder at least. Fun Factor: 3/10   Dad Factor: 2/10

16.  Bacon- Immature, deadbeat dad. Seem like the type of guy who dumps the heavy lifting of parenthood on his partner. Will be around to play with you when it’s convenient for him. More likely to hang out with his mates. Maybe 1 hour/week of dad time. Fun Factor: 4/10   Dad Factor: 1/10

17. Tom Brandt - Another entry for embarrassing dads as well as “emotionally stunted tough guy” dads. Total fashion disaster. That lumpy-ass-old-man-sweater with baggy sweatpants?!! Ewww…. No social grace or manners. Will kill you with embarrassment just like Rick Ford. Proven time and again to be prone to excessive violence. A domestic abuse case waiting to happen. Fun Factor: 0/10   Dad Factor: 1/10

18/19 Arthur Bishop/ Handsome Rob - Does not know you exist. You don’t even know their name. Your mom doesn’t know their name either. Fun Factor: 0/10   Dad Factor: 0/10 (Resurrection does not exist to me)

20. Joey Jones (Smith) - Clearly cares about his family. Provides for you. Protective too. Has debilitating PTSD. Lives in self-imposed exile. Would be a great dad if he weren’t so FUCKING SAD and full of self-loathing. Could be #4 or 5 if he got help. Fun Factor: -100/10   Dad Factor: 5/10

BONUS: Frank Martin - Ultimate responsible parent. Has a lot of rules. Tells you to take your feet off his furniture. Will complain about you getting his upholstery dirty. A constant air of exasperation. Uses “I’m going to count to three” as a threat. Will make you get to the airport 3 hours early and sit in the terminal. Will drop you off at school, appointments, and extracurriculars with military precision.��Fun Factor: 3/10   Mom Factor:10/10