#chev chelios

[crank2006]

worlds first crank cosplay

[gordonstanheight]

i need to watch crank 2 but i think the first one’s ending is unironically perfect and i think the 2nd one would ruin that a little bit for me. will tune in eventually though. jason statham there is something so insane about you

[algernon97]

You guys ever think about how the two Crank movies were some of the most anarchic explosions of creativity and bad taste and haven’t been matched since, or is that just me?

[nco05]

I kind of wonder: why does everyone hate Chev so much?

I mean before they meet him obviously

[vegapunk123]

Crank: Get High or Get Owned

(thanks anon from 4chan for the initial idea of this fanfic)

Chapter 1

Chev Chelios wakes up miraculously after being severely burned. The first thing he tries is to call for his beloved Eve, but he can’t: his vocal chords are severely damaged. He tries to look around to see where is, but every move he tries to make is followed by excruciating pain, almost enough to make him a goner for good this time. The only thing he can see in full detail is the green moldy ceiling, with lots of dripping spots. Right after he notices that, he feels the bandages of his forehead becoming a tad wet.

“Oh, that’s just fucking great, chinese fucking torture by leaking ceiling… I came back from the dead yet again just for celestial laughs?” - thought Chev, twiching his eyes with burning anger. “Well, misery is my middle fucking name at this point, you fucking cunts with halo gonna have to try harder than that.” Now, he’s fiercely determined on two basic objectives: to stop getting drippings on his head and to know where exactly he is.

He tries with all his might to turn his body on the metal stretcher he is on by pushing back and forth and wobbling with his extremely injured back, each attempt more strenous than the previous one, until finally he gets what he wants, sort of.

The two rusty wheels of the stretcher have broken, making him tumbling down and roilling over a few times until he has his face planted on the cold and dusty wooden ground, with his buttocks exposed due to the loosening of his bandages.

“Fuck you, bastards, I would say to kiss my ass, but that would be way too on the nose… How about to suck my balls?” - envisioned Chelios, enveloped in a thick blanket of pain, trying not to pass out and bite off his tongue by accident. He gives a slow turn with his neck and takes a gander at the room. It has a banged up gray counter with lots of dents, a blue pantry with a few bullet holes and a wooden analogical clock. Passing the entrance of the room, all he see is pitch-black darkness.

At least, he was able to cross his two objectives off of his to do list all at once: his head is terribly dirty with no water in sight and he now knows he is on one of the many back alley clinics of Doctor Miles, the remarkably one where the two of them met for the very first time, for the removal of a handful of bullets.

“Huh, how nostagical of him. Now, how the fuck am I going to leave this place, fucked up like this? - conceived him. But not to worry, Chelios, the cavalry to heal you is here, albeit not for noble reasons. He hears fast steps coming at his direction, and he wonders who might be. Eve? Doc? Venus? A Triads goon? A random sod he angered from his colorful criminal past?

The steps slow down, and a bulky menacing figure appears sideways, with a dark hoodie, with gloves and a waist pouch. Every inch of the stranger is covered in black cloth. And then their head turn, revealing a bright red devil mask, with frightening deep yellow eyes, with blue pupils, complemented by unnerving brown and thick eyebrows; big pointy ears and a large open mouth with several silver teeth, and four very proeminent cuspids.

"What the fuck? An urban demon? Am I actually dead? Is he gonna punish me by buttfucking me until my asshole catches on fire by friction? With no lube?” - pondered Chev, starting to anxiously sweat.

The masked figure calmly opens their zipper pouch and take it out a syringe with a blue liquid in it. They slowly come closer to Chev, squat, inject the solution in Chelios’s ass, swiftly stand up, put the empty syringe back to the pouch and stare at him. The last words our protagonist hears before getting unconscious are: “Dà pìgu…”, uttered with a raspy and somewhat aroused tone.

The mysterious person lifts him up with relative ease, carries him on their shoulder and starts to whistle nonchalantly, heading to the blue van close to the building. They put our unconscious mercenary in the trunk and leave with three more people, one driver and two lookouts with Uzis, each engraved on gold with the word “hustle”. The sun in LA begins to fade, making the smog look emerald green.

[literallyeverythingandeverything]

Bonus:

[paraliesd]

Crank (2006)

“I told you I'd kill you, you little bitch.”

[vsthepomegranate]

Crank 2: High Voltage (2009)

[crank2006]

final pre-convention update on the chev fit. i’ll obviously show the full burnt up look when i get there but it’s nearly done!!!!! YAAAAY!!!!

[argarna]

Just a thought

If they ever get round to make Crank 3, it’ll be the only one without a Chester Bennington cameo :(

[nco05]

Forget the fucked up poison, Chev is speedrunning death by the sheer amount of drugs, caffeine, pills & whatever else illegal & legal substances he’s consumed

[spockvarietyhour]

[a-collection-of-ramblings]

25 Favorite Films: Crank (2006)

I prove it can be fun and games with's this week's 25 FAVORITE FILMS post. CRANK (2006)

People seem to have this weird notion that I hate fun. Mostly because, as a man who has probably watched too many movies, I tend over analyze them. Which is why when someone gives me this observation that I immediately point out Crank is one of my all time favorite films. It is a bit of a noodle scratchier for this list considering you have seen the likes of Sunset Blvd and Stagecoach on here.…

[braintrash83]

[paraliesd]

Crank (2006)

“Don't talk to him like that! My boyfriend kills people!”

[vampyric-corpse]

Hey doll, looks like I let you down again. It's like all my life I've just been going, going, going. Wish I'd taken more time to stop and smell the roses so to speak. Guess it's too late for that now. You're the greatest, baby.

Chev Chelios