umnitsa

[umnitsa]

If your tummy itches when you wear jeans, you have a nickel allergy and should paint the back of the buttion with nail polish. Okay I am going into the woods forever now. I love you.

[umnitsa]

Gonna be singing this (and this) all night.

[umnitsa]

If you’re an American federal employee and got an email saying “it’s ok to quit your job.” Do not, for the love of everything, quit your job. This is purely a scare tactic to get rid of as many people as possible without legal consequences.

[umnitsa]

Several years ago I briefly worked in the warehouse of a nondescript extremely large e-commerce company. I had no other options for employment but desperately needed money. Turnover was like 150%. I worked from something like 7pm to 5am, my commute was 50 minutes each way and before I got paid I didn’t even have the cash for enough gas to get home one night and had to bum $10 off of my kid sibling (this is all to give you an idea of my abysmal mental state while employed here.) You’re not allowed to do anything besides your job, no music or anything and they track your movement on cameras so you can’t even take a breather. The job is real monotonous, you get sent boxes of items of random sizes and you have to put the items into shelves of varying sizes and the shelves come to you, you don’t walk to them. Because the company tracks the rate at which you put items on these shelves, many small items are desirable because you can put a lot of them in quickly. Everything about the place seems almost designed intentionally to break you mentally and turn you into a robot. So I’m about 6 or 7 hours into my shift, feeling on the verge of a mental collapse, and up comes a container with a bunch of small white boxes, bout half the size of a deck of cards. No labels. Great, I’m already happy about whatever these things are. So I go to scan them in, and it gives you the name of the item and a little picture. Sasuke Penis Costume. What? Sasuke Penis Costume. A picture of that red cloud robe from Naruto and one of the headbands with the metal plate on it. I’m thinking, there’s no way. What is a penis costume? Am I hallucinating this? And there’s so many of them, literally about a hundred, and I know I’m going to be spending at least an hour with Sasuke Penis Costume, there’s so many and they’re so small, I’m already excited about the potential efficiency of these, and then I see it’s Sasuke Penis Costume? So the entire shift I’m like, trying to not put these things away too quick, because honestly I’m starting to build a kind of kinship with them. This is quite literally the most exciting thing to happen to me during my whole 2 week employment at the warehouse. I started to see Sasuke Penis Costume as a friend, some reminder of the outside world, a reminder of the humanity I was becoming so unfamiliar with, a reminder the world contained comedy, art, anime, and penis. I really couldn’t tell you if I ended up putting all of them away, the last thing I remember is my desperate need to look these items up when I got home. I needed a link to send to my friends for when I told them this riveting story. I learned that the costume is called the Akatsuki cloak in my fervent search for the item, and wouldn’t you know it, absolutely zero trace of these things exists online. Not on the e-commerce website, not on any specialized penis-costume websites (whose existence I was not privvy to prior to this incident) and no third-party retailer has these. Not even Google images will show me the hypothetical existence of Sasuke Penis Costume. Every few months I look it up, trying to find evidence that it can be bought, that any of this was ever real. My bond, my friendship, and dare I say even love for Sasuke Penis Costume feels as tangible as the boxes they came in, and yet the universe will give me no closure of their fate. Less and less frequently I search for them, each time becoming more and more discouraged that I will ever find them, but unlike their substance on this earth, one thing is inarguably certain. Sasuke Penis Costume exists to me, and it will live on firmly and resolutely within my memory and within my heart.

[umnitsa]

[umnitsa]

oh no my pornography is turning into an angst-filled character study

[umnitsa]

There's been some bullshit going around lately, making some of my favorite writers and mutuals sad, which makes me MAD. 🤬

If you're considering sending ANY of the following types of comments or Asks to an author here in the PPCU fandom or any other Tumblr fic community...

-complaining about unfinished fics -complaining about their take on a character -complaining or begging or being pushy about a Part 2 or more -treating their hard work and craft of writing as "content" in any way, shape, or form -behaving like a "content consumer" instead of a fan/writing connoisseur -ordering them to do something -ordering them to stop doing something -being a general bitch -sending asshole Anons because you're too much of a nutsack to show your face and stand behind your comments -saying anything that isn't designed to make them feel good

... I'm gonna need you to STOP and be more of a CUNT!! And if you can't do that... GTFO

[umnitsa]

No matter what. ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

Medium: Procreate on iPad Pro

Time taken: 12 hours 29 minutes

Total brushstrokes: 45,177

[umnitsa]

some thoughts on hbf (husband's best friend) joel

hbf!Joel meets you when you're dating your husband. He even goes out on a few double dates with you and him, but he never lasts long in a relationship with any other woman, which you tease him about and he takes in good-natured stride.

hbf!Joel is the best man at your wedding, still drunk and bleary-eyed at the altar from the bachelor party the night before, but he still dances with you at the reception, holding you a little closer than he ever dared. You tell yourself it's the free-flowing alcohol that's making him so bold.

hbf!Joel helps you move in when you and your husband get your first house, and you can't help staring at the flex of his muscles as he helps lift the couch off the moving van and brings it into the living room. After a long and tiring day of physical activity, the three of you celebrate with pizza, beer, and Advil for the aches and pains. Joel seems reluctant to head home to an empty house, and tells his friend that he's a lucky man for having a wife like you.

hbf!Joel comes over after work on Fridays to pop open a few beers or even indulge in some whiskey after a long work week of hammering and sawing. His eyes follow you as you move through the house effortlessly, watching you sweep up the used dishes from the table as if they'd never been there, or carrying laundry from the dryer, one hip out as you bring the basket of neatly folded clothes to be put away.

hbf!Joel finds ways to talk to you alone, finding you in the kitchen or in your own little reading nook, away from whatever onscreen sport your husband is yelling at that week, asks how you're doing, what was that extra ingredient you put in the pot roast last week, what book are you reading and why is it your favorite?

hbf!Joel thinks of jokes to make you laugh, especially puns because he knows you're so fond of them. You have such a pretty laugh and he wants to hear it more often.

hbf!Joel goes out of his way to help you with fixing things around the house when your husband gets too lazy to do them himself. He swears he doesn't mind it, and the smile on your face is enough thanks. And sometimes he stays longer just to chat with you.

hbf!Joel comes over for lunch, even when your husband's not there. You tease him about the day-glo vest he has to wear, and tell him bright yellow is his color. Sometimes he keeps it on just because you'll notice it and tease him about it.

hbf!Joel fucks his fist when he's thinking about you - whether he's in the shower or in his bed, getting off to the beautiful shape of your body, the way you tip your head back when you laugh, the delilcious-looking curve of your hips and ass. He imagines what you'd feel like beneath him, what pretty sounds he could wrest from that luscious mouth.

hbf!Joel kisses you one day, alone in your kitchen, and thanks every star in the sky that you kiss him back, looping your arms around him. You've hungered for him as much as he has for you, and damn if he's gonna miss out on this opportunity.

hbf!Joel commits to memory every stolen moment, and the tiniest details as well. There's a little birthmark on the back of your neck that he likes to kiss when he has you bent over the dining room table or the kitchen counter. He knows the taste of you on his tongue, even better when you share it in a kiss after he's spent a good amount of time between your thighs. He loves the way you beg for him to cum deep inside you, needing every drop.

hbf!Joel is filled with guilt when he's around your unsuspecting husband, but that guilt dissolves when he sees how the idiot treats you, and he vindicates himself for keeping up the secret meetings, despite telling himself that this time is the last time. It never is.

tagging: @milla-frenchy @eviispunk @sunnytuliptime

@noffri-slays @notgoingtomalta @zascal @holmesblogger

@cxrsed-angel @tammythr @joelsthigh @coolranchdavidian

@probablyreadinsmut @geekrenaissance @chewingbunny

[umnitsa]

It’s uncanny how similar Trump is acting like Hitler. People are now doing the Nazi salute. They’re drawing the symbol. The KKK was seen in Kentucky asking people to join them. ICE has been ripping families apart. Companies have pulled back Diversity Initiatives. We’re no longer part of WHO and there won’t be any communication from the CDC at least until February 1st. We’re being censored and the news can’t be trusted. Thousands of Americans didn’t know there were protests against Trump yesterday outside the U.S. Quotes from The Handmaid’s Tale and Anne Frank have been compared to what’s going on right now.

According to The Lemkin Institute for Genocide Studies and Prevention the U.S. has officially been given a red flag alert for Genocide.

I’m exhausted but I will never stop being angry.

[umnitsa]

[umnitsa]

watching children successfully and compassionately self-mediate conflict and wondering if it's possible to pinpoint where exactly it all goes wrong for us

[umnitsa]

Today I learned that Van Halen have that rider in their contract about “a bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones removed” in order to know at a glance if the promoter read the entire contract.  And the reason they do THAT is because they once had a stage collapse because a promoter hadn’t read the proper way to set up all the specific technical stuff.

So if the band goes in the dressing room or catering and sees brown M&Ms, they know they have to double-check the stage setup for safety.

[umnitsa]

I want you to remember:

The fascists hate you too and they just will pretend otherwise until after they've killed the rest of us, before they turn on you.

[umnitsa]

like to charge, reblog to cast <3

[umnitsa]

fucking crying because i thought this instagram reel was cutting edge comedy gold only to realize it is 100% serious… damn maybe i’m being poisoned

[umnitsa]

Honest to god. I want a cuddly porny kinky fic with some cuddle fucking and tight hugs.

I want Hopper to smother me with love. Send help.