#cheeto in chief

[that-one-wizard-tm]

The fact that this showed up on my YouTube feed today of all days…

[uwudonoodle]

Wtiches, for the next 4 years.

[dontforgetoctober3rd]

Look even if he (more than likely) gets away again, just the *chance* of seeing that orange turd doing a humiliating perp walk has considerably brightened my day. See you all next Tuesday lmaoo

[memento-mariii]

It's 2:50 AM and I can't go to sleep

[greyeyedmonster-18]

(happy football day to everyone who celebrates!!!)

[arkapproaching]

Someone in my company’s management decided to remove the Fritos and Lays from the employee freebie selection and replaced them with these instead. I grabbed one bag to try it and it was as bad as you think. No one else has grabbed even One.

[witch-hammer]

I’ve decided I’m not going to follow the election, I’m just going to do my job, go home, and pretend it’s not happening. All of this is giving me war flashbacks to 2016 and I don’t like it

[thereasonsimbroke]

A good Spartan knows the key to victory: fueling up with a refreshing #Pepsi and a side of #Cheetos 💪🔵🥤

[portsinastorm]

I'd like to think Cruz and Strauss set up a way to get Emily and JJ to play Scrabble together. My headcanon is Strauss has always known about Emily's JTF-12 involvement. She implies as much in the S2 finale. Hotch did not have clearance, so Emily's cover story when she came in was that she came off a desk job. It's an easy lie for a trained spy to repeat, the papers could have been created to support it. Rewatch S2 knowing the timeline for Emily and the Ian Doyle case in S6 and it means she started in the BAU not long after closing the Doyle case.

They knew JJ's theory was there was a mole (and there was!). What's the logical thing to do in that scenario? Set up a failsafe. My headcanon is that Strauss and Cruz pulled strings to make sure Emily and JJ continued to have contact.

It's also why JJ gets to return to help Emily out vs. Ian Doyle in S6 (achieves the dual purpose of taking the heat off JJ in case she confided her theory to the mole, which she did, and helping out a close friend) and why JJ goes to Paris to see Emily off.

We know from canon that Strauss is smart and cunning in her own way. Strauss banked on JJ confiding in Emily and Emily being able to keep a secret and remember important details (piece of cake for a trained spy) when the time came.

Remember, JJ's longtime boyfriend and baby daddy only knew that she had a job with the State Department and she worked together with Cruz. And that whatever they worked on was hush-hush.

It was Emily who knew the details necessary to figure out the real score and save JJ in 200.

[criminalmindswhore]

Playlists Tell All

Tara finds your playlist titled Prentiss and looks through it while you drive. She and JJ tease you about it until Emily finally finds out.

BOTH HANDS ON THE PHONE AT ALL TIMES 🤨 Also, this is long bare with me, also not proofread, oops.

TW: SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT

It was no secret you were gay. It was apparent from the day you walked into the BAU wearing docs and a septum ring. Tara was the first to notice, lesbians find each other. You were never closeted to them but never shouted it in the bullpen either. If they asked, you told.

"Hey, Y/n can I ask you something?" Emily asked as you two went down the elevator. "Sure, what's up?" You smiled at her. "Are you gay?" She looked puzzled, "Miss BAU Unit Chief was the last to notice?" You chuckled and she looked offended, her mouth falling open. You were almost too distracted by your thoughts, 'I wonder if that's the face she makes when she-', to notice the elevator stop. "So like only women or?" She stepped out of the elevator, you following suit. You cringed at thinking of being with a man, "Only women." She chuckled, "I knew it." She stopped walking signaling you were parting ways for the night. The cold Virginia air made a chill run down your spine, or maybe you noticed the few shirt buttons undone on the way to the parking lot. "I'll see you tomorrow Y/n." She smiled at you and grabbed your bicep for a moment. The touch lingered in your brain, your skin on fire, "See you tomorrow Unit Chief of the gayest FBI unit." She laughed loudly at your comment as she walked away, her grey hair swaying with which step.

Your talks with Emily to your cars became a nightly thing, on purpose from your end but she didn't need to know that.

After a case in Northern VA, Tara, JJ and you were in an SUV driving back to Quantico. Tara deemed you the driver as you were a 'young sprite who would stay awake longer'. Your phone became the AUX phone and Tara sat up front scrolling through your music creating the perfect queue. Her eyes widened as she came across a playlist titled, 'long talks with Prentiss'. She sat straight up and looked at you. You turned your head to glance at her, then back at the road, "What?" She leaned back against the seat, "Nothing." JJ's interest was now peaked, "Tara, you gotta tell us now." Tara scrolled through the songs:

She - Dodie

girls - girl in red

1950 - King Princess

She's My Religion - Pale Waves

I Wanna Be Yours - Arctic Monkeys

Call Out My Name - The Weekend

and on and on and on...

Tara came up with a genius plan, queuing up all the songs. The second girls came on, it clicked. "Tara, I can explain." She just laughed, "Explain that you have a huge crush on someone almost 30 years older than you?" JJ put down her Cheetos, "Wait? Emily?" Your grip on the wheel tightened and your cheeks turned bright red. "Can you two just not?" Tara chuckled, "Oh no miss thing, you have to spill now." JJ laughed from the backseat.

You weighed your options, either tell them and they tease you about it, or you don't and they tease you even worse until you spill, "Fine," the two women high-fived, "but it doesn't leave this car. Clear?" JJ saluted at you and Tara nodded. "She's just so hot dude. How could I not find her attractive and she does that stupid thing when she's focused where she licks her lip and then bites it." You were gushing like a high school girl at this point. "And don't get me started on her hands." JJ cringed slightly. "Okay, but she's 1, your boss, and 2, old enough to be your mom." You sighed and grimaced, "Why do you think it lives in my head? I have a playlist and that's it. She will never know and no one else will." Tara shook her head, "Honey she probably already knows. Emily is one of the best profilers in the world, not only that she's got those super-secret spy skills. Has she been acting differently towards you?" You shook your head, "No, I mean we've been talking one-on-one a lot more but that's just because we usually leave at the same time." Tara hummed and JJ laughed loudly, "What JJ?" You were still horrified at the current situation and her finding it humorous was not helping. "She did mention how she knows someone in her inner circle is attracted to her but didn't wanna bring it up." She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms. "JJ! You can't just tell me that!" Tara was losing it, doubled over in laughter. "You both suck."

It didn't get brought up again during the case. You thought it had blown over until you were all standing in the bullpen after the case chatting while people packed up bags and files. "Hey guys, what are laughing about?" Prentiss asked as she joined the group, bag in hand. "Reid is so oblivious to how much his neighbor wants to get in his pants," Luke explained while still laughing. Emily licked her bottom lip before pulling it between her teeth, Taras's head shot around to look at you wiggling her eyebrows. You scoffed and smacked her arm. "What's going on there?" Emily asked while smiling at you two, "Oh god are two?" Tara laughed and you nearly threw up in your mouth. The whole team was now looking at you and Tara with their mouths open, "God no! Tara and I are not sleeping together!" The team erupted into laughter except for you and Emily, staring into each other's eyes. She smiled sweetly at you and your face got hot. "I am going home, you guys enjoy bullying Reid." You grabbed your bag and stood up off your desk, "Wait, I'll walk with you, let me grab my cup from the kitchen." Emily took off swiftly to retrieve her mug and JJ gave you the 'I know something they don't' look. You glared at her and went to wait for Emily by the elevators. She approached you and pressed the down button, "Ready?" You nodded and stepped into the elevator.

The following week was full of being teased by JJ & Tara and Emily knowing something was up. Emily entirely said, "If someone made a playlist based on me I would be honored," while working a case. Which earned a stare from JJ and a muffled laugh from Tara.

One night you and Emily were heading down together like you usually did, "Hey, have you been seeing someone? Tara and JJ seem to know something about you no one else does." As you unlocked your car you froze. "Um, no, there's just a running inside joke going." You shrugged your shoulders trying your best to control your microexpressions. She seemed happy with your answer and wished you goodnight. You got in the car and turned on the playlist, your phone screen still open to it when someone knocked at your window. You rolled it down and Emily glanced at your lap, "Hey did you notice if- is that my name?" Her face was shocked, yours was pure fear. You flipped your phone over, "No." She saw right through you, "Y/n, let me see." She was smiling in a way you've never seen before. You didn't budge until Emily reached through the window and snatched your phone, turning away from your car. You unbuckled yourself and jumped out, "Emily please." It was too late.

She turned around, mouth agape, "Y/n, is this how you feel about me?" Her voice was low and dropped an octave. It shot shivers through your body erupting your core. You didn't know what to say, the damage was done. She stepped closer, reached behind you, and slid your phone into your back pocket. She went to move her hands but you grabbed her arms, holding them on your ass. "Emily." Your desperation showing in your voice. It set something off in her. Before you could process it, Emily's lips were on yours and your back was hitting your car. Her hands are on your hips gripping you tight. You snaked your arms around her neck gripping her hair. Her lips moved furiously on yours, her tongue swiping against your lips. The action made you whimper giving her access to your mouth. You could feel her chest moving on yours as she breathed heavily. She pulled away but kept her face inches from yours, "Y/n," she sighed, "This can't happen." You dropped your arms from her neck, she didn't move. "Fuck it." She said in the hottest fucking voice you've ever heard, you moaned at the sound before she attached her lips to yours again.

As her apartment door closed, bags were dropped, jackets discarded. Her lips moved against your neck as you gripped her shirt, "Emily, please." She chuckled, "Already begging for me pretty girl?" You moaned at the praise and Emily lifted a brow, "Oh you liked that huh?" Her arm reached around you to harshly grabbed your ass, "You like being praised by your boss huh? Like the slut you are?" Your knees buckled under you and she gripped your hips to keep you upright. Emily continued her attack on your neck as she pulled you to her bedroom, dropping you on the bed with a thump. "Pretty girl I need you to verbally consent for me before I fuck you senseless." She unbuttoned her shirt as you spoke, "Yes Emily, please. I need you." She slipped her shirt off exposing her black lace bra to you and you stared in awe. She laughed at you and took a finger under your chin pulling your eyes back to hers, "Up here." She spoke sternly and you didn't dare disobey at the risk of her leaving you high and dry. She straddled your lap and started undoing your shirt at an agonizing speed. You squirmed under her from impatience, "Ah, patience sweet girl. I'll get there. Although I understand why you're so needy after months of wanting me exactly like this. On top of you getting ready to make you scream my name." She slipped off your shirt and leaned in close, "I believe it was, call out my name I saw on that playlist of yours?" She left a wet sloppy kiss behind your ear. You could feel the pool of wetness growing between your legs.

She kissed down your collarbones as she unclasped your bra, throwing it somewhere in the room. She kissed down to your chest until she reached your left nipple, swirling her tongue around it, "Mhm, fuck yes." You gripped her hair harder than you planned on eliciting a moan from her. It was music to your fucking ears. She discarded her slow and steady pace and reached down to unbuckle your belt, undoing your pants and slipping them past your ankles. They hit the floor with a metallic clink before she kissed down your stomach. She pulled off your underwear with her teeth, the sight nearly making you finish right then and there. "Emily, you're wearing too much, I wanna see you." Your voice was slurring, you were so drunk on every single thing you were feeling. She sat up and undid her bra, slipping it off, her perfect breasts falling against her chest. She was perfect. She stood for a second taking off her pants, revealing her perfectly toned legs.

She positioned herself between your legs and licked up your slit. The sensation making your head spin. Your hands gripping her sheets as she took your clit between her lips humming at the taste of you. "You are so in for it Y/n." Hearing her say your name like that was music to your ears. She started flicking her tongue against your clit and your back arched off the bed. She reached one of her hands up grabbing yours giving you something to ground yourself to this moment. You gripped her hands tightly as she teased you with the other hand. Emily removed her mouth from you looking up at you making eye contact, "Beg for it." Your words got caught in your throat causing Emily to completely move her hand away from you and harshly grip your thigh, "I told you to do something Y/n." You swallowed, "Please Emily. Please fuck me. Emily, I need you, please." She smiled devilishly before slamming two fingers inside of you setting a rough pace. "That's my pretty little slut." The cockiness apparent in her tone of voice. She maintained eye contact as she reattached her lips to your clit, pulling it between her teeth softly.

Emily's pace showed no mercy as she fucked you roughly. Her tongue and lips worked against your clit as she pumped her fingers in and out of you roughly. You were so close to coming undone and she could tell. She removed her mouth from you, still fucking you with her fingers, "Do you want to cum?" You writhed under her nearly screaming from pleasure, all you could muster was a nod. "I need words." You opened your eyes and looked into hers, "Yes. Please. I'll do anything." She smirked and let go of your hand, wrapping it around your throat. You moaned her name so loudly you swore the whole building would hear, but neither of you cared. She whispered against your clit, "Cum for me Y/n." She licked your clit once more before you came screaming her name and a slew of curse words. She continued her pace fucking you through the high until your body fell limp. She slowed her pace and slowly pulled her hands from you. She kissed up your stomach, "Such a good girl. You did so good pretty girl." She pressed a sweet kiss to your cheek before disappearing into the bathroom and returning with a warm, wet washcloth. She sat down at your feet, "Is it okay if I clean you up?" Her tone was gentle and slow. You nodded, not having feelings in your face. Your whole body felt like it was vibrating. She was soft and gentle, discarding the cloth into the dirty laundry.

She pulled a t-shirt over her head and laid one out at the end of the bed. She laid next to you, pulling you into her. You wrapped your arms around her waist before snuggling your head into her neck. She wrapped her arms around your shoulders and pressed a kiss to your head. "Emily, that was." You couldn't quite form the words as your nose was still tingling. "Awesome, amazing, perfect, I know." She giggled at her joke and you smiled. "Who would've known badass Unit Chief Prentiss likes to cuddle after sex." She scoffed, "Shut up! I can be soft!" You chuckled, "There's a shirt at the end of the bed if you want it. You can go to sleep, I'll get you up in the morning." You sat up and looked at her, "I'm kind of hungry." She smiled, her eyes wrinkling, "I'll grab you a snack." She left the room and you slipped on the shirt, never leaving the bed.

The playlist you regretted making, just got you the best sex ever.

[hotcheetohatredwastaken]

Celebration: 88,978 Words in One Day!

Just yesterday, a few other LU writers and I, Hot Cheeto Hatred, hosted our first ever monthly (hopefully) Write-a-thon! This event ran on June 4 from 12 am EST to 12 am EST, with one goal in mind---write as many productive words within that day as humanly possible. Words included in the final marathon count ranged from storyboarding, fic writing, editing, answering comments, journalling and homework---basically, any words that furthered yourself, the writing community at large, or your stories. We utilized either the Discord Sprint bot or self-reporting to collect the numbers at the end. Everyone involved gave it their all, with most of them being present for most if not all of the run time as they were able, and I'm so proud of their dedication towards their craft. Anyways, here's the final breakdown of the numbers below, as well as the awards and titles earned by each participant, as decided by the discord server (and myself at random).

Now onto the awards:

I am pleased to report that @not-freyja (Freyja above) won the "Writer of All Time" Award, pulling ahead with 20,565 of our total words. What an accomplishment! Freyja participated from dawn to well, dawn, and they absolutely deserve all praise and awe.

I'm giving myself, @hotcheetohatred (Cheeto), the award "Writer of Some Time," as I fell behind our lovely Freyja by a mere few hundred words fifteen minutes before the clock struck midnight. Next time, Freyja, next time...

The "Actually A Writer" award goes to @marcusdoodlesalot (Marcus), who, despite the name, DOES actually write, not just draw! Who would have thought. Not Freyja, that's for sure.

The "Early Bird" award goes to @lerikwrites (Lerik), who solely sprinted in the wee hours of the morning (my time, at least). Terrible. Good job.

"Star Commentor" goes to @elle-rosewater (Eliot), because I stole most of her words for the count from my own comment section in the BDOR Prologues. We love you, Eliot :3 Can't wait to see you next month.

"Cheerleader" goes to @la-sera, who gave us much encouragement throughout the day. I stole your 19 words from you saying you were excited to read Estelian's work. Hope that's okay, because I really wanted to include you---you provided a lot, even if you didn't write with us this time <3.

@whumpitywhumpitywhumpity (Dowsemaxxer) earns "Spirit-ed Storyboarder" for all of his lovely, informative talk on Spirit and just what makes him so great as a rather underappreciated LU boy.

Two awards next! "Chief Editor" and "Most Student" both go to @unexpectedstormy (Stormy) for faer work on getting. stuff. done. Fae did a steady amount of work, so proud.

"Editor (of Word Count) in Chief" goes to @tashacee (Tash), who, at reporting time, was scrounging up 100 and 200 word bits like spare change while I desperately tried to do math. I love you, never change.

The title of "Specter" goes to @somer-writes (Somer), who logged in very few sprints, but participated with the rest of us and pulled up at the end with a whole 7.5K words and a bunch of fics to post at the end, with a lot of it being Ghost AU! He's amazing.

The award "Better Late than Never" goes to our resident artist and recently turned fic-writer @estelian-01 (Este), who joined only in the last half of the marathon but managed to pull a whole 4K! Pictures might be worth a thousand words, but Este wrote a couple more anyway.

@across-violet-skies (Riv) gets the title "Mover and Shaker (of Blorbos)" for managing to participate and get quite the hefty wordcount only a DAY after moving. They're a trooper, that's for sure.

@anime-obsessed (Vio/Nene) earns the award "Most Old School" for writing with pen and paper for most of the day. Please go rest your wrist after all of that.

The award "Head in the Clouds" goes to my bestie and beloved beta reader @needfantasticstories (Skip), who spent the day listening to music and writing Skyloft drabbles. I am nervous/excited to see if those drabbles turned out fluffy as a Loftwing, or perhaps into something more angsty.

@noorahqar (Qar), my lovely fragile Victorian wife, earns the title "Chatty." You know why. But you were there nearly all of the run time, and so engaging and encouraging throughout---a blessing to us all. And even then, you managed to pull so many words. I'm impressed.

And finally, @rosehipandroots / @rosetintedtears (Rose) receives the titles "ndskanefnre" (self chosen) and "Birthday Santa." The first was borne of panic of being asked to choose a title---the second of her relentless effort to get her birthday fics done. Great job.

I'd like to thank everyone that I tagged for participating in the write-a-thon, and thank all of you for helping me draft this post as well. If I messed up any word counts or details or pronouns, you want to request a title/award change, or I missed someone, please DM and let me know! The next Write-a-thon will be held on July 1 from 12am to 12am GMT, and we'll be trying to beat our record. Can't wait to see all of you then!

[shankss-magnificent-ass]

Imagine figuring out when King's birthday is

That Fall

You: *notices King has it noted in his planner that he had no plans on the afternoon of December 1st* sir, would you like to schedule the quarterly finance meeting on the December first?

King: no, keep that afternoon open please, I'll be taking time off that afternoon.

You: I've worked for you for almost a year, and you've never taken time off. Is there any particular reason why?

King: ... No reason

You: *suspicious* okay.

A week later

You: *has to pull the past three years worth of King's planners from the archive for actual work but checks December 1st in all the planners and deduces that it must be important to him*, so he always takes that afternoon off

Yamato: *sprawled on top of a desk, eating Cheetos and intentionally get dust on the floor of Kaido's office* hmm yeah, my father will usually give him some sort of gift, and they go out to lunch together. Although few times Father even tried to get him some of the girls from the brothels to entertain him for the night, but the last time was back when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure after his lunch with my father, he holes himself up in his room.

You: oh can't imagine that went over well.

Yamato: HaHa! No, one of the girls got pushy and King had to throw her out of his quarters.

You: it must be his birthday then, King is too much of a duty driven workaholic to take time off for himself for anything.

Yamato: oh my god, maybe, now that I think about it, I don't know his birthday.

You: in that case I need to move around a few of his appointments

Yamato: *crushes a handful of puffy Cheetos and sprinkles it across Kaido's chair* why would you do that?

You: because he works too much, so any chance I can get him to relax I'll take it.

December 1st

King: when's my appointment with Orochi?

You: Tomorrow

King: You're wrong, check again, I scheduled it for today.

You: I'm not wrong, I moved it two weeks ago to tomorrow. In fact, I moved most of today's appointments to different days. The only thing on your schedule today is Queen's annual service review, torturing a few prisoners, and your lunch with Kaido.

King: oh my, what did I do to deserve such pleasant day?

You: *shrugs* just lucky I guess, it's not like it's your birthday or something. *Squints at King*

King: How'd you know?

You: because only you would need need to wait until your birthday to be able to justify taking time off to yourself. Oh, and remind me which restaurant you are going to with Kaido?

King: His chiefs are making Spicy Udon for us, it's one of my favorites.

You: but not your favorite, which is why I had a crew go out and get a bunch of flying fish to make sashimi for your dinner. It'll be delivered to your rooms at six, and the servants have instructions to deliver it to your door, where they'll ring a bell to announce that it's there, so you don't have to talk to or interact with anyone.

King: I don't deserve you sometimes.

You: I know

King: *ruffles your hair and laughs* you're not supposed to agree with me.

That evening

You: *knocks on King's bedroom door* Sir, I apologize for interrupting your evening, but I've come to deliver something.

King: *currently doing some self-care, so he's not wearing his mask* ... come in

You: *drags in a bouquet of massive flowers you had the Tontatta's grow, and his present* Alrighty tidy, these are yours, happy birthday

King: If you keep this up you'll spoil me. What flowers are these? I've never seen them before, but they're somehow familiar.

You: That's because they're from atop the Red Line. They're called, Flame Daisies, they were once the symbol of the Lunarian Kingdom. They also remind me of you, and they're good for your skin.

King: *didn't anticipate flowers would open an emotional can of worms*, and what's in the box?

You: just a little something something,

King: *opens it to find boxes filled with paperwork and gives you a confused look*

You: those are the only remaining copies of your Punk Hazard records, to do with as you please.

King: you're kidding

You: nope, I destroyed the others, I even got Vega Punk to delete his mental records of them. Good night King, and happy birthday.

King: now wait a damn minute, you can't make me feel like a weepy little bitch, and then just dip. No, your ass is staying here and drinking with me. You're also getting a few face masks, because your'r skin looks awful, sit your ass down.

Support me on Kofi and Patreon

[lizabethstucker]

U.S. Presidential Election - 2024

For those who don't think it will be a big deal if Donald Trump wins, that everything will be just fine, you haven't been paying attention.

Oh, if you're wealthy and powerful and willing to suck up to the Cheeto-in-Chief, you probably won't need to worry. But Trump's Enemy List will be longer and in more danger than anything former President Richard Nixon had in mind.

Internment camps.

Mass deportation of immigrants and their American family members.

Targeting the media.

A national abortion ban with no exceptions.

Restricting the travel of women outside their state.

Targeting the LGBTQ+ communities.

Undoing all the protections for government workers, removing any who aren't loyal to the President rather than the Constitution we all swear to uphold.

The use of the American military on American soil against protestors or anyone deemed an enemy.

Enforce Christian beliefs and values in government agencies.

Taking control of major federal agencies. Abolishing the Department of Education.

Force the DOJ to investigate "anti-white" actions. Abolish DEI programs and protections.

And many more abhorrent ideas.

Think I'm being ridiculous, weaving horror tales? Read Project 2025. It's available online. Trump //may// have tried to distance himself from it for a while, but he has promoted many of the things contained within, most of the people behind it are part of his inner circle and supporters. And his running mate, J. D. Vance, wrote the introduction.

Americans, Educate yourself.

And to our allies? I'm sorry.

[carrotsofthepirabbean]

WIP Tag Game

Rules: Share a snippet from whatever you’re currently working on, and then tag 5 people.

tagged by @philtstone

Genuinely don't know 5 people I can tag so here's one and if anyone else wants to, go for it! @treacherous-vigilante A very unserious snippet from the Psych Star Trek AU, in which Shawn attends an interrogation pretending to be half-Vulcan. He's kind of terrible at it.

Captain Silva is a skinny, tall woman of about his dad’s age, with the sickest scar Shawn’s ever seen in his life stretching across the bridge of her nose and up through her right eye. Her limbs, all apparently as skinny and tall and she already is, are folded up in her seat at the table. There’s not really any way that a bundle of pipe-cleaners should rightly be able to look quite so impressive and hard-core, but she manages it.

It's unreasonable that a (suspected) tribble smuggler should seem this cool. Especially not when the (suspected) tribble smuggler's (suspected) smuggling ship in question has a lame-ass loser name like the Ostrich.

The air of uncooperativeness billowing off Captain Silva is a lesser matter. Shawn, after all, is an expert at intimidation.

“Is he gonna stop starin’ at me?”

Silva turns back to Lassiter, and Shawn takes the opportunity to blink as many times as physically possible in the microsecond period before her eyes are back on him.

“Unlikely,” Lassie says, refusing to look in Shawn’s direction.

“And does he have to be here?”

“No.”

“Yes,” drones Shawn. “I am employed by SB805’s security team as a consultant, and I must be present at this interrogation in order to effectively perform my duties.”

“Can ya at least blink? It’s freakin’ me out.”

“Vulcans have an additional internal eyelid,” Gus interjects, “and so my colleague’s eyeballs are always moist. He would consider it illogical to expend the extra energy to unnecessarily blink.”

Shawn widens his eyes, whose accompanying eyeballs are definitely no longer fucking moist.

“You’re Vulcan?” Silva’s left eyebrow shoots upwards.

Shawn ignores Lassiter’s audible scoff. “That is incorrect. I am half-Vulcan, half-Human.”

Silva gives him the once over. When her gaze returns to his face, she looks even more skeptical than before. “Ya don’t look Vulcan.”

Shawn flicks his eyes over to the window, frosted and opaque, and behind which he knows, he just knows Jules is watching. She always stands in the same place: about a metre to the right of centre, ostensibly because it’s closest to the door so she can rush in and help if so required.

(He may be privy to the information that it is actually because she can climb up onto the fixed desk so she’s at a height where the cell lights don’t reflect directly into her eyes.)

“And you do not look like a judgmental, dribbling primate and yet—”

“Spencer.”

To her credit, Silva doesn’t react to the devastating insult. Instead she settles back into her seat, arms crossed. After another moment, she kicks her feet up on the corner of the table. Her exuded coolness increases by at least a factor of three.

“Never seen a Vulcan eatin’ Cheetos. Especially not—” she squints at the packet, “—‘Mountain Dew flavour’.”

“Vulcans also have nutritional needs.”

“There’s nothin’ nutritious in that bag. It’s empty calories.”

“Actually,” Shawn argues, “it is full of calories, which therefore give me energy, which I need to stay alive. This particular variety, due to the additional caffeine, possesses six point four times the average energy in a standard Cheeto, per Cheeto.”

(He really, really hopes that Starfish the tribble(s) hasn't found the loose Cheeto he dropped outside the interrogation room and didn't have time to pick up and eat, or the Chief should, must, and will kill him.)

"Spencer,” Lassiter says feelingly, "you disgust me."

[catlynhoss05]

Emily as Unit Chief

Remi: *bursts into Emily's office, a serious look on her face*

Emily: Whatcha need, babe?

Remi: *comes over to her & leans in close* Did you eat my last bag of Cheetos from my snack drawer in my desk?

Emily: *chuckles* I know better than to touch your Cheetos, babe.

Remi: *turns Emily's face to look at her, kisses her deeply* Okay, you're off the hook. *turns to leave* JENNIFER, I KNEW YOU TOOK THEM!

Emily: *laughs uncontrollably*

[obsidiancreates]

Shawn The Human (Seriously Just Take His Blood)

(These are all separate universes- in each one it's just the focus character who's a vamp. Shawn only has so much blood to recklessly offer his friends, if it was all 3 at once he'd be beef jerky. Tell me Shawn's fatal flaw isn't loyalty and a willingness to do Anything for his friends even if it's questionable and weird- you can't. Also I'm severely sleep deprived so I hope this is good but IDK)

Lassiter

"Seriously, Lassie, you can't keep just draining criminals." Shawn leans against the pillar by Lassie's desk and watches him fill out another report about a perp having an 'accident' while escaping custody on the way to the prison. "If you keep hypnotizing the chief, she's going to build up an immunity, and then where will you be?"

"Spencer, I still have no idea what you're on about." He does, and Shawn knows it- he figured out Lassie was turned into a vampire less than a week after it happened.

"Lassie, what I'm trying to say-" he jogs after the detective, "-is that as long as you don't need to kill to drink, I don't see why you're risking your whole career over this."

"Since when do you care about my career?"

"Since the possibility of you leaving, Jules getting a new partner she hates, and me having to work up a whole new dynamic became real."

"What're you even offering, Spencer?"

"Dude, I have blood!"

That makes Lassiter stop in his tracks. He turns to face Shawn, slowly, with no small amount of disgust on his face. "You want me... to drink your blood? ... Is this a fetish?"

"What?! No!" Shawn tsks and looks away. "Man, don't make this weird. It's just one friend, offering his blood to another more undead-y friend. How much will you even need to take, anyway? I've got like, a gallon of it, probably."

"I wouldn't drink your blood if you were the last human in the entire state of California. It's probably half crappy energy drinks and sluggish with Cheeto dust."

"First of all, Doritos dust. Second of all, what's better for you- blood you don't have to hypnotize the entire department to get away with, or blood that's probably exactly like mine but with more crimes in it?"

"Crime isn't in blood."

"How would you know, you've only tasted criminal blood."

"Not doing it, Spencer." He walks away. Shawn chases after him.

"Lassie! I-I'm serious man, if you keep this up you're going to get caught! I want to help you keep this a secret!"

"Then stop shouting about it!"

"LASSIE!"

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2. Juliet

"Jules. Are you an undead mistress of the damned, or are you just having a great hair day?"

Jules smiles and rolls her eyes. She figured Shawn would know sooner or later- how couldn't he? He's psychic, the world of the dead who aren't dead are sort of his whole thing.

"How long have you known?"

"Four days- I was making a list of ways to break it to you."

"And you settled on that."

"Well now I feel self-conscious."

"Why're you telling me you know, Shawn?"

"Just, checking in! Seeing how you're doing. If you need blood."

"Shawn." Jules stands up, taking a folder from her desk to the filing cabinets. "I'm not killing anyone."

"I never said you were! And I know you never would. But that can't be easy, still."

"It is, actually."

"H-how?"

"I get Christmas cards from people I arrest, Shawn. It's not hard to convince a few close friends to donate a little blood to me when possible."

"It's not? ... The other day I couldn't even get Gus to give me his half-finished hours-old coke."

"Yes. But that's you, and Gus, and food. So nothing will be reasonable."

"... That's fair. ... But uh, want to add one-one more friend, to that list?"

"That's very sweet of you Shawn, really, but..."

"But?"

"But... your blood seems like it might be a little..."

"Too alluring? Irresistible? Spiced with my incredible magic genes?"

"... Junk-food-y."

"Junk food? Wh- Jules! Between Gus and I, I am not the one who eats things like stick-o-butter-in-a-bun!"

"Please tell me you just made that up."

"I wish I could."

"Shawn, look, I appreciate the thought, but the truth is I'm all set and, well, I'd just rather keep this and my work life separate, as much as possible."

"... Alright. Fine. ... But know that if we're ever out there catching bad guys and you need an emergency snack, my neck is right here."

"Thanks, Shawn. ... Can I get into the file cabinet now?"

"Oh, right."

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3. Gus

"Dude, seriously." Shawn watches Gus pace the office. "Stop freaking out about it and just bite me. You're going to starve to... well not death, I guess. Undeath? That's already you. Maybe... a coma? But that doesn't seem right either."

"I am not drinking your blood, Shawn. What if that turns you into a vampire too?!"

"Then we'll literally be best friends forever! That's just a win-win, Gus!"

"Well- well what if I can't stop and I kill you?!"

"Then you still just turn me, still a win-win."

"Shawn, this is serious!"

"So am I! Look, we both know there's no way in hell you're going out hunting and stalking and all that stuff, and we both know you're not willing to steal from a blood bank-"

"Those bags were donated for medical purposes, Shawn! There's already a major shortage, I will not be apart of making that worse!"

"Exactly! And you've got one best friend right here, literally sticking his neck out for you."

"No. No way. It's too risky, and too weird!"

"How is this the weirdest thing we've done for each other?"

"Because it's your blood, Shawn. That's supposed to stay inside your body!"

"Well, a lot of it was outside my body after I got shot, and I was fine."

"You told me you passed out a couple times!"

"Okay, I said I fell asleep in the woods once, and got hit in the head after that. Totally different, besides, how much blood loss is actually bad for me anyway?"

"Oh... my gosh."

"Look, Gus, it's either this or something way worse. You're already so freaked out and torn up over this whole thing, I just... don't want to see you pushed to a limit you'll never come back from."

"... Well... I appreciate that, Shawn. ... And I guess I at least know what is and isn't present in your blood."

"Exactly."

"... But biting the neck still feels weird."

"Wrist?"

"Euhhhhh..."

"Well it's not like we can just buy a do-it-yourself-at-home blood drawing kits, Gus. ... Can we?"

"Already looking online."