#character study adjacent
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The Three Fs | Sirius Black/Remus Lupin | Mature | microfic (wc: 397)
CW: Self-Blame, references to: disordered eating patterns, disordered sleep patterns, past child abuse, the whomping willow incident, guilt. Ending where nothing is resolved. Mental illness.
Sirius misses the way Remus’s hands felt on his body. He misses the fervor of youth. He misses broom cupboard doors slamming against his back, misses fumbling hands yanking at his jeans, grabbing his hips like they would slip through those long, pale fingers.
There was fear there, but passion, the lingering thought that they could be caught at any moment. There was grief, too— those long months when Remus refused to take off his shirt, and, after the willow, the years it took to get used to the scars Sirius himself had caused.
They’d hurt each other.
Sirius hates that he still wakes up at night with his own insults ringing in his ears. His mind healer says it makes him a good person. A truly evil one wouldn’t care, she says. Sirius thinks, quietly, in the safety of his own mind, that a truly good one would never have said them. He feels it sometimes in arguments, flashfire instants where Wallaburga and Bellatrix pour out of his mouth like a stuck-open faucet, where he says things he doesn’t think, or says them unthinkingly.
He’s had a lot to unlearn, and he’s still finding new stones unturned, still growing into this adult body that was designed to expire at 23. So, yes. He misses their youth— a time when everything burned hot and cold, when he was too busy living in the moment to regret it, when danger came from so many places at once that a forgotten shower or skipped meal didn’t raise any notice.
Sirius missed when no one cared.
It was so much easier, then, to keep up with expectations. Sirius missed fighting and fucking and fleeing in the same afternoon, missed never having to answer for it. Now, though, he was in his thirties and still breathlessly panic-stricken and still, against all rational explanation, alive.
Now he had Remus in a way he could keep. They lived together, shared a bed and a set of dishes. Remus cooked, and Sirius ate, and no one was running. Sirius felt like a child, but he wanted so badly to be taken care of. Remus was there, doing the caring, doing everything Sirius had ever hoped for—
And yet, at the back of his mind, Sirius was still fleeing, fighting, flickering like a lighter on a windy day. He wasn’t sure he’d ever stop.
———
We’re taking it back to the childhood coping mechanisms tonight, folks. Tried to cut JK out of me but sometimes these characters are the only font my brain can parse. It’s fine if you need to skip this one— you’ll find no blame here. Stay safe everybody 💛
#wolfstar in 2024?#it’s more likely than you’d think#fuck jkr#genderfluid and pansexual author#she gets no money from me but she can have my rage and angst#nonexplicit sex#mentions of abuse#mentions of disrupted sleep#disordered eating patterns#all very glazed over#Sirius is not taking care of himself#whomping willow incident mention#but like. mans went into prison as a very young adult and now he’s just? still alive somehow? and everyone he ever loved is dead except#literally his boyfriend and his best friend’s son#how do you cope with that?#the answer? Badly.#wolfstar#microfiction#vignette adjacent#character study adjacent#sirius black#remus lupin#trans sirius black#trans remus lupin#because aren’t my characters always?
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I need to introduce the MCYT fandom to the 12x100 writing format
#woosh quotes themself#mcytblr#I can go on and on about the joys (and pains) of the 12x100 format#which afaik has somewhat stayed inside sports + sports adjacent fandoms? particularly baseball + blaseball#I learned it from Blaseball and by god it does WONDERS for character study#anyways please imagine me trying to shove rekrap into a 12x100
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autism is a spectrum and the spectrum in question is between twoflower ponder and rincewind
small diagram of what im saying
#discworld#rincewind#ponder stibbons#twoflower#silly little thoughts#the “cant see danger” the “too much danger” and the “lets study the danger”#headcanons#ponders specialinterest is programming rincewinds is rocks twoflowers is furnishing his house fully with various souvenir adjacent objects#discworld character neurotypical? physically impossible
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AEMONDSA: A crack ship with unexpected depth and appeal
A treatise (in four parts) on the intriguing parallels and complementary contrasting of Aemond and Sansa and the subsequent allure of them as a romantic pairing in Fanfic
- from the perspective of a sansa-stan, jonsa + sansa-centric multishipper, and someone who is generally Targ critical
Now while my general stance of "ship and let ship/don't worry so much about what other people in fandom focus on or ship/etc" still stands i wanted to do a little write up on what I've found so appealing about this particular crack ship.
Not to justify it (again fandom and shipping in general is just about enjoying/thinking about fictional characters and scenarios... no one needs to justify why their imagination likes to think about two characters interacting romantically) but because there isn't a ton of metas addressing the interesting parallels between these characters and the appeal of them as a ship so I wanted to make one so the handful of people who do ship it get to see some more positive engagement/responses to this pairing.
I just unexpectedly ended up loving this pairing so much and I always have a particularly strong urge to contribute to fandom content on the rare pairs/crack ships that I like....So here have a deep dive into the parallels, and contrasting but complimentary aspects of Aemond and Sansa, and the unexpected appeal of Aemond x Sansa as a pairing in fanfiction...
PART 1: MY EXPERIENCE WITH ASOIAF/GOT & HOTD FANDOM AND WHY AEMONDSA IS A PLEASANT SURPRISE
So I'm going to be drawing from both book and show elements when I consider and compare Sansa and Aemond's characterization and plot arcs (particularly since this tends to be how they are handled in fanfic- which all have differing combinations of book or show canon for both characters)
(this is a HOTD S2-free zone though... HOTD's writing has certainly not improved and it's inconsistencies even compared to their past writing and characterization of many characters including Aemond has made such an absolute mess so for this post I'm ignoring the worst part of HBO's attempt at making hotd fanfiction i.e. S2- and I am basing my understanding of Aemond on a combination of what can be gleaned from book canon and s1 because that was what initially interested me AND because that is what the aemondsa fanfic I've read has also been based on)
Now Just to set the scene for my journey as a stark fan, jonsa shipper, and generally targ critical person to become an appreciator of aemondsa...
GOT had a steep decline in quality in the later seasons and HOTD despite the incredible effort of the actors/sfx people was not particularly good to start with in terms of writing/storytelling...yet disappointing or poorly written shows are not without their appeal for participating in fandom and reading/writing related fanfiction, particularly when there is a handful of interesting characters-looking at you stark kids who suffered through the writing of GOT's later seasons and HOTD's team green-that fans want to rescue from the terrible writing/butchering by the showrunners and to explore alternative stories/endings for them... sometimes it is even one of the most appealing sort of set up for fandom/fanfiction to take over and fix things.
I was already a huge Sansa fan, and she was the original draw for me towards asoiaf/got fandom and fanfiction, and while jonsa has been and remains my favorite pairing for her I've always been open to dabbling in various other sansa pairings/crack ships.
(While the parallels don't take the exact form as the ones between Sansa and Jon- and obviously aemondsa isn't accompanied with the incredible foreshadowing and potential that jonsa is- this pairing still feels similarly compelling due to the sheer amount of parallels between the two characters and for the fact that its a ship that is appealing and seems quite fitting without fanfic writers having to stray too far from canon personalities/back stories to make them work as a romantic pairing- beyond you know the obvious aspect of them being alive at the same time)
When HOTD first came out and before i discovered Ameondsa was a thing I was staying away from HOTD fanfic for the most part despite my interest in a few of the characters
HOTD's most predominant focus in both it's fandom and fanfiction seemed to be Rhaenyra/Team black/ Daemyra centric- all of which I was at just personally not drawn. Aemond (hot dramatic anime antagonist transported into hbo's HOTD and personal favorite of mine) centric fics unfortunately tended towards shipping him with various TB characters or TB OCs but both as a concept and due to the handling/set up these fics were generally not appealing to me (more on this later).
Furthermore hotd fandom itself seemed to be shaping up into a new edition of targ stan centric fandom- specifically a new "team black only" brand of stanning... which is definitely not something I am interested in.
Being someone admittedly anti targ/targ critical in general who just happened to be more intrigued (and sympathetic) to the greens in HOTD it did seem that the bulk of hotd fandom was probably going to a similar if even more extreme form of what I encountered with targ-stan segments of the GOT fandom as a sansa-stan/jonsa shipper (ie. Less posts/fanfic that i would personally agree with or be interested in from these fans and potentially hostile and unpleasant responses or takes from the majority of these fans)
As a result of my general avoidance of hotd (i.e. the very pro targ/pro TB fanfiction that hotd fandom offered) Aemondsa, already an extremely rare pair and crack ship, wasn't even a pairing on my radar until one of the authors i was subscribed to started a hotd time travel fix it aemondsa fic...I have an appreciation for well written crack ships, and I am willing to give most pairings or fandoms a chance when I'm already a fan of either the story's main characters or of the author specifically ...but I was actually incredibly suprised how compeling Aemondsa was as a pairing in this story..as well as how much I enjoyed the other Aemondsa fics that I checked out afterwards..it seemed this was a niche segment of hotd fandom that i was going to absolutely obsessing over.
There was a lot of depth to them for a crack ship, which was achievable without altering their personalities and backstories very much from canon (dont get me wrong I love crack ships even ones where people and the plot are altered significantly to make a ship feel possible but there is something uniquely compelling when characters fit together without having to be too ooc) so I just wanted to write a bit about what is so fascinating about this ship since it's such a new rare pair that hasn't accumulated a massive audience or a ton of discussions or write ups yet.
PART 2/4. THE SURPRISING AMOUNT OF PARALLELS BETWEEN SANSA AND AEMOND (FANDOM, PLOT-WISE, but most of all regarding FAMILY)
(Uh ....Brace yourself? this section ended up way longer than expected)
For me the initial appeal comes down to intriguing Character parallels between Sansa and Aemond which fanfic at least offers the opportunity to explore in a story format ....
On a surface level they are (in the shows particularly) both intelligent and underdog figures with fantastic little sassy moments - true queens of dealing out backhanded and cutting compliments, or being unapolegetic critical towards some of the flawed and extremely privileged individual's they encounter who are used to receiving only coddling and fawning worship.
Both characters seem to get shit treatment, sometimes from the fandom other times due to the terrible choices/handling by the writers/showrunners.
Both were characters I personally found interesting and sympathetic despite how fandom- some of it for aemond and a significant amount of it for sansa- had deemed these essentially young and still innocent characters worthy of being reviled and harmed for the ways the adults in their lives had set them up for failure or abuse. Forever dismayed by the way they (unlike certain fan favorites) were somehow never deemed by fandom as deserving of sympathy for the horrible things that happened to them, and how notably they never recieve the same feverent forgiveness/understanding/support for their more dangerous or dark actions the way other characters did
Looking at the difference in fan responses to show!Arya or Dany compared to Sansa- though when it comes to the sheer amount of violence, destruction, and murder or the act of threatening their kin obviously despite what Sansa-antis say Sansa is the only one who should not even be part of the discussion, and how Dany or Arya always recieves excuses, sympathy, forgiveness, or outright praise from the core audience for their more questionable actions while somehow Sansa is deemed as the unforgivable, dangerous, evil, traitorous, and foolishly reckless character
How Aemond (and all of TG really) are set up and considered by TB stans to be unworthy of their house/rightful inheritance and the ones most at fault for the onset and destruction caused by a civil war... never victims mistreated or endangered by the more privileged and powerful members of their family... just the people who only ever deserved what was inflicted on them by TB for the crime of being forced to wed a disgusting and neglectful King or for being threats to Rhaenyra's family or throne simply by existing? How the morally questionable or violent actions of Rhaenyra, her sons, or more particularly her uncle-husband will always be seen as either justifiable, in the right, excusable, or literally worthy of praise the way Aemond's and his family's actions will never be viewed by this core audience
I think about how much like segments of asoiaf fandom bash Sansa by deeming her too southern/too Tully/Too Catelyn-like to be a real Stark (unlike her "truly northern" siblings) their are also segments of hotd fandom that have chosen to see Aemond and his full siblings as only Hightowers who are wrongfully stealing from TB/the "true Targaryens"
But there were even more striking parallels when it came to their characterization and plot.
Both younger (non heir) children, presented as being intelligent, incredibley dutiful and studious, with a very close relationship to their mother, in a sort of intense people pleaser manner - trying their best to excel at all the skills/duties that their parents/society deems necessary for their position and sex because that is the way they receive acceptance, attention, or praise from their family/the adults in their life
Aemond and his studies, his apparently dedication and success in training with the sword despite his own disability, his determination and recklessness to finally become a dragon rider like the rest of his Targaryen family- as it is what is expected and what he has long been mocked over by some of his targ kin, how despite his own ambitions and the way he thought himself particularly suitable for rulership he remained the dutiful and loyal younger brother who served as regent for his gravely injured older brother but did not attempt to stylize himself as King and steal Aegon's throne.
the way that Alicent seems to be the only family member he allows himself to be vulnerable with, the one with whom he turns to for consolation and comfort, Alicent being absolutely devastated and incensed over the loss of Aemond's eye and the lack of punishment for the assault on his person, the only one to demand recompense, the only one to raise a knife to the blacks when she is denied, how Aemond is the one person who tries to console his mother in the aftermath, how despite having just lost an eye he is the one who actually tries to sooth his mother to bring a stop to the increasing and dangerous level of tension and conflict that had erupted between the blacks and greens at driftmark, Aemond's own longstanding protectiveness of and devotion to his family- most especially his mother- that lasts until his own demise.
Sansa and the way she thrives and enjoys the type of world and training that is more of a noble woman's or specifically her mother Catelyn's domain- unlike her wilder other siblings she is generally a steadfastly proper and gentle girl- no doubt a comfort to her mother not just because she is generally so well behaved but in the fact that unlike her siblings she is not shown to be obviously or very publically close with Ned's illegitimate child- who for Catelyn would be the literal personification of Ned's infidelity, the disrespect and humiliation he puts her through by raising him in their house along side their children, and her deep seated fear that he loved and will prioritize another woman and her child more than his own wife and family.
Sansa is the child who seemed to love all things "southern" the most (though undeniably despite how Sansa is looked down upon for her love of romantic stories and song her other siblings also certainly enjoy legends and tales of Knighthood or Southern Princes and warrior Princesses) and to be fascinated by the environment her mother is from, the one who is drawn to and practice her mother's faith in addition to keeping to the old gods,
How Catelyn though she truly grieves letting her daughter go seems to accept it not just because her belief that Sansa would excel as a princess and future queen but because she thinks Sansa would thrive simply through getting to experience the south...Catelyn seems to grasp the things Sansa dreams about and unlike many other family members she does not view Sansa and her interests with the same condescension, dismissal, or disdain.
Catelyn loves all her children immensely but there is something so tragic and beautiful in her love for her daughters, the desperate lengths she is willing to go to to ensure the saftey of both of them while the lords/males in her family have already given them up as a lost cause and inevitable and necessary casualties in their war for vengeance and northern independence
Despite this affection though there is a lot of pressure on both of them... almost to the point that their treatment by the adults in their lives has a bit of a "parentification" dynamic- a manner that sometimes puts the onus on them to be a support and a comfort to their mother amid any tension in the family/marriage (Aemond) or to be the perfectly behaved role model or minder for their less dutiful siblings (Sansa)
Sansa, in everyone's eyes a lady at three and a queen destined to be, the determined effort she puts into excelling at being studious, accomplished, proper, and ladylike, how much she tries to exemplify the behavior praised and exemplified by her mother and her septa
set up by the adults in her life as a go between for the stark sisters...used as the benchmark for their demands and expectations of Arya, being held up as the bar for perfect, proper, and praise worthy behaviour that Arya is presssured to also attain, the daughter who gets censured on the few occasions she acts out while her younger sister typically gets away with her poor behaviour (at least when it comes to their parents)... Sansa isn't just under the pressure of the exacting expectations for a lord's daughter she also experiences the stress of being put in the position of exemplar for her wild untractable younger sister.
Aemond, apparent dutiful student in many areas expected as a child of nobility, who is expected to support Aegon in his rulership and war and (in the show) even takes responsibility for trying to keep his older brother in line, the one who after losing an eye takes the effort to comfort and console his mother's grief and rage when their father does nothing in response to an attack on Aemond other than threaten and intimate his wife and his children with Alicent in order to support his firstborn daughter, who becomes the human equivalent of not just a wrecking ball but a literal weapon of mass destruction sent out on behalf of the advancement of his family or later to enact terrible bloody vengeance on his family's behalf, his life his purpose and his death is all for his family's sake more than his own.
They put so much effort into being well behaved, to reach the exacting standards for a child in their position, setting an example for the less obedient/well behaved sibling(s) all of which in turn adds to significant strain or conflict between said sibling.
Sansa and Aemond are the sibling expected to and determidly striving to live up to the high expectations that the adults in their life put on them and to survive the extremely dangerous and high stakes scenarios they are put in (as a lord's daughter, prince's betrothed and future queen, a hostage and target for the machinations and ambitions of others, the older sibling, a ruling lady, and elected queen; a prince, dutiful son and brother, ruthless and dutiful defender of his family, and regent)
Meanwhile they have other siblings who struggled to meet said expectations or have given up attempting to all together (Arya, Rhaenyra, or to some degree Aegon)
Siblings who must from the perspective of Sansa and Aemond (who are still young, inexperienced, and have had a great deal of conflict with said siblings) seem to flaunt all expectations free to rebell, flaunt the rules, and generally ignore the high pressure expectations that children from their class face.
Undoubtedly frustrating since, much like their more rebellious siblings have failed to sympathize with the more responsible ones, Ameond and Sansa too have not (yet) been able to recognize the ways their less successful/dutiful siblings also suffer under the highly restrictive expectations of their class and position even if they do not choose or succeed in conforming to them.
They see that despite how they may excel in studying, striving and succeeding in their roles, and ultimatley exemplifying the high standards they were raised to it is these other siblings who seem to get rewarded (experiencing in their eyes at least what appears to be more freedom, less pressure, minimal censure or punishment for their misbehavior... while simultaneously receiving the bulk of the reward in terms of their inheritance, the attention they recieve, or even with regards to the amount of affection given by some of the authority figures in their lives, i.e. their fathers)...
To them it must seem that these siblings get to be not just easily forgiven for their mistakes and misbehaviour, but accepted as or outright adored simply the way they naturally are, whereas dutiful and non problematic children like themselves tend to be overlooked or underappreciated, and quickly criticized on the rare cases they misbehave... the acceptance and affection they recieve appears far more conditional on them behaving well according to the expectations of their family or various instructors/minders... whereas the affection their siblings receive, from say a certain parent, is show to be rather unconditional
Seriously they both give me such severe "easy" (i.e. overlooked) and "gifted" child trauma vibes... how much of their behavior is simply in their nature and how much is what they conform themselves to to make the adults around them proud... because as the quieter child or apparent outsider amindst their family/siblings this is the only action that comes natural to them and gets them some (hard earned) attention/praise in a rather large and loud family they otherwise seem a bit lost in... how much of their striving to succeed is dependent on the sincere belief/understanding that their saftey and potentially the future, saftey, and wellbeing of their family depends on it.
They both have a far more distant relationship with their fathers who favoured another sibling- a sister over them... father's who either didn't seem to know how to connect with them - Ned- or never really bothered to try- Viserys...
while i do believe Ned loves his children and they adored him in return i feel its obvious that he neglected in preparing any of them for the true dangers and realities of the world away from the satey and protection of winterfell and their Stark family, and he absolutely dropped the ball on keeping either of his daughters safe and supervised when he took them along into a very dangerous situation in kingslanding
Furthermore Ned never quite seemed to connected with or pay attention to Sansa they way he did with Arya... just something about the fact that when he follows the orders of his king/supposed best friend to kill Sansa's direwolf (the very symbol of their house) it is in replacement for Arya's Direwolf who was allowed to escape the cruel wrath of the Queen and Prince...and how he continues to fail Sansa in the aftermath
It's something about the gifts he gives his very angry and traumatized daughters to comfort them after- in lieu of truly trying to actually connect with and console both of them or to even properly mediate their increased fighting.
Arya (in the show and book) is given lessons with a "dancing" master who teaches her swordplay/water dancing, she was so excited and she always wanted to be outside learning to fight like her brothers got to, in this moment to her understanding she is not just seen by her father she is accepted and supported (a careful reader may see that Ned's attitude appears to be slightly condescendingly indulgent on the matter of her learning swordplay... but Arya gets the chance to do something she loves all the same)
Meanwhile (in the show) to try to console Sansa Ned gives her... a doll? (Honestly I can't recall any equivalent gift from Ned to Sansa in the books? the mention of her possibly getting harp lessons in Kingslanding was actually a promise Catelyn made to her on Ned's behalf rather than his own effort... and was something that Ned didn't actually ever arrange in the books)
But is this doll meant to be an appropriate gift to make up for the death of her direwolf? Is this gesture enough to comfort her and make amends after Ned killed her direwolf (notice its not exactly as spectacular, meaningful, or comforting a gift as arya's "dancing lessons"... certainly there is no indication that he has any particular understanding of Sansa or has given much thought into her talents, interests, or personality beyond the most shallow perusal)
In the aftermath of Lady's death Ned does nothing to truly protect Sansa or keep her away from the obviously dysfunctional and dangerous family he has promised her away to.
Yet he can take the time to comfort and have a frank conversation with Arya about how important staying together and supporting eachother as family is- especially when they are amongst dangerous people who mean to harm or separate them- and the specific importance her and Sansa will have to one another as sisters who share the same blood... further explaining how just as they will need eachother Ned needs them as well
Ned has no such comforting or distinctly meaningful exchange with Sansa... he doesn't explain the reality of the Lannisters/Joffrey/Robert (i.e. the truth of the people he has agreed to give his young daughter away to despite the fact that he either personally has no respect for most of them or has not been around them long enough to know anything about their true nature)
Yes it is the risk to his daughter that makes him willing to falsely confess to treason, yes eventually he decides its best to send his daughters back to winterfell, yes he finally wants to break the betrothal and he makes a beautiful promises to make her a match with "a high lord who's worthy of [her], someone brave and gentle and strong" ... but he is much too late to get both of his daughters away from the lannisters/kingslanding, way too late in his attempt to keep them safe, and he fails to handle Sansa with age appropriate respect and frankness and to actually tell her how dangerous things are in kingslanding and why joffrey (false prince -bastard born of incest) is such an ill suited match.
Maybe if he had put any effort into explaining things to her...or simply spending time with her, speaking to her, trying to understand her, comforting her amidst the loss of lady and the increased fighting with Arya, or doing literally anything other than just neglecting her and her saftey Sansa would have actually trusted his decision and seen it as him wanting what was best for her.
Maybe if he had been more proactive and focused on his daughters well being he wouldn't have brought both of them south after the altercation over their direwolves... or maybe he could have been successful at getting both his daughters out of kingslanding before everything went to hell.
Its almost like the whole point of the Ned/Arya/Sansa and the Ned/Cersei/Sansa dynamic isn't to show that Sansa is a naive girl who betrays her family for the lannisters but is instead to show that when you neglect your child emotionally they will turn elsewhere for comfort and will be particularly vulnerable to being manipulated or abused by other adults... its almost like this part of A Game of Thrones is more about the way even someone like Ned- a man who does strives to do what he thinks is right and a parent who does loves his children- can still fail.
Ned's treatment of Sansa is specifically intriguing, though i don't know if it will be addressed specifically since her relationship and dynamic with Ned is one that much like Robb ended with his tragic and unjust murder (leaving behind a grief stricken Sansa helplessly longing for the return of her family and home, grieving with a near devotional regard for her lost father and brother)... Sansa will never get to confront or reconcile with them over the many ways she was let down and left unprotected by her male relatives- and who knows if a traumatized and grieving Sansa will ever even recognize and admitt to herself the ways the people who she loved the most failed to live up to her expectations of them... how clearly that despite their love for her she was rarely their first priority ... how they both seemed to fail to follow their family mottos ... the lone wolf dies but the pack survives.... family before duty or honor... she was family yet duty and honor came before her in Robb's eyes... she was part of a pack but through Ned promising her to a marriage in the south, in him taking her and Arya away to kingslanding, in him failing to prioritize her saftey until they all were practically already on the chopping block, and in Robb abandoning any hope or plan of rescuing her she truly was abandoned by them ...to be a lone wolf without a pack to help her survive
Then there is Viserys who at the very least had a much stronger regard for Rhaenyra than all the kids by his second wife ...but can also quiet easily be accused of outright neglecting and mistreating them
The lack of guidance holds true for all his children really but with Rheanyra at least it is accompanied by an (ultimatley harmful) spoiled indulgence that he offers only to his eldest daughter- covering up her obvious blunders and threatening anyone who would speak the truth of her questionable actions and her children's legitimacy including his own wife and sons ... going against traditional succession not because he wants to promote first born succession/succession by "merit"/or treating daughter equal to sons in terms of inheritance or anything like that but because of guilt and unashamed favoritism.
Viserys refuses to give to his son what westeros society at least would deem as Aegon's birthright, while also failing to make arrangements for any his non-Rhaenyra children to have a future and saftey separate from the throne.
He doesn't arrange matches with other kingdoms and give them allies, protection, family, independence, or a power base independent of the crown/hightowers instead leaving them dependent only on the crown, vulnerable targets to be handled (i.e. no doubt killed on the orders of Rhaenyra and/or her uncle husband Daemon) as living they would remain the most significant threat to the legitimacy of their rulership.
Viserys looks the other way when Aemond specifically is permanently maimed by Rhaenyra's son...his only action after his son loses his eye is to threaten his second family, to intimidate them into staying quite on the topic of the legitimacy of Rhaenyra's children before he deems the matter concluded... as if the worst part of that altercation was Aemond calling them bastards rather than say four children ganging up against one and how one of these children attacked using a knife and cost the other their fucking eye?
That for Aemond more than anything must cement his understanding of his father's feelings about Aemond and his full siblings and mother. To Viserys they simply matter less than Rhaenyra and her children.
In fact their well being or saftey matters less than even an offense made to Rhaenyra's reputation... which shows Alicent and her children without question that they are in danger from the blacks and the King will do nothing to prevent the blacks from trying to severely physically harm Aemond or his siblings, and in fact that there will be no punishment for the blacks when they succeed in doing so.
A civil war between the blacks and the greens was inevitable... Viserys actions of protecting and favoring Rhaenyra while also not ensuring she is instructed on and practices/proves her ability to rule, willfully ignoring that she violates her own vows and that she passes off her obviously illegitimate children as trueborn heirs, of permitting her not just to inherit (and position her illegitimate son as the next heir to) what most considered the birthright of her brother but also for her to steal the birthright of her own cousins by supplanting them with her other bastard and demoting them to being simply their brides/consorts, him keeping her as heir not just after he has multiple trueborn sons but also after Rhaenyra gets remarried to the exact violent bloodthirsty man that so many feared and Viserys himself had previously removed as his own heir in favour for Rhaenyra.
Viserys doing all of this while still choosing to remarry and have MULTIPLE children with his new wife... the neglectful and disrespectful way he treats his second family... all of this ensured that the death of some (if not all) of his children, via either assassination or in outright civil war, would always have been inevitable.
There is so much hatred, fear, distrust, and tension between Viserys' family members... and not only did he fail to intervene or improve things he was the one most responsible for it ....so much of the environment Alicent lived in and Aemond and his full siblings were raised was permeated by not just a sense of deep injustice (particularly in Aemond's case with his treatment by not just the blacks but his own father) but also an undercurrent of desperate fear over what will happen to them and their family in the wake of a brewing succession crisis
The mommy, daddy, and sibling issues are so strong with these two and I'm so obsessed with how the complicated family dynamics and tragic family losses that Ameond and Sansa experience echoe one another in so many ways...there is just so much love, grief, rage, unpacked trauma, and hurt in them and I am always obsessed with stories that allow the narrative or characters to address such trauma.
PART 3/4. THE CONTRASTING AND COMPLIMEMTARY ASPECTS OF THEIR STORIES (SUFFERING AND GRIEF)
They were both were so young when they became targets of the wrath and dislike of powerful and corrupt "Queens"
Sansa who loses her direwolf at the demand of Queen Cersei, a queen who after long being abused by her own husband sees a perhaps more extreme form of that sort of violence in her own mad son being directed at Sansa, who rather than expressing or experiencing compassion or sympathy instead takes the chance to revel in the destruction of Sansa's innocence, to mock and emotionally abuse Sansa when she has lost her father and her only protection in Kingslanding, leaving her a hostage of war at the mercy of a violent and corrupt royal family
Aemond who after losing his eye to an attack instigated by Rhaenyra's children receives no apology or recompense...instead his own sister asks for her mutilated little brother to be tortured sharply questioned due to the offense he caused by accusing her sons -accurately mind you- of being bastards... Aemond and his siblings who were never truly ever treated by Rhaenyra as her siblings only ever the offspring of Alicent and thus obstacles and threats for her (and her uncle's) right to the throne.
Both were physically harmed or tormented by (or with the approval of) young members of royalty, with very little being done to intervene, stop, or punish those involved despite their own highborn status- which would generally deem them unacceptable targets for such abuse.
Young Sansa a hostage but still a high born daughter descended from two of the seven ruling houses in westeros, The Warden of the North and the Lord Paramount of the Trident, and niece/cousin to the rulers of a third kingdom, the Lord Paramount of the Vale. Who while under the "care" of the crown is tormented, stripped, and beaten in open court at the behest of a mad boy king... forced to look upon the severed heads of her father and household, forced into being an unwilling child bride to the house of her family's enemies, who is molested and threatened with sexual assault on multiple occasions
Prince Aemond son of the King who is mocked by his brother and nephews (or his king and father in the books) over the fact that he hasnt yet claimed a dragon, and when this makes him reckless enough to approach and claim the largest dragon in existence the torment doesn't stop it gets dangerously worse as the tension between the children of the blacks and greens escalate to the point of a violent confrontation between Aemond and his nephews and cousins... and the resulting loss of of his eye when one of his attackers brings out a knife. None of the children who banded together to attack Aemond would face any consequences, only Aemond himself and his mother and older brother would censure and outright threats from their King Father and Older sister. Whose earliest sexual experience- done at the behest of his older brother- was implied to be at the very least coerced, traumatizing, and humiliating- if not outright non consensual on his part.
Both Sansa and Aemond face a terrible sort of loss when they begin losing their family members to mass civil war ...often in a manner that is distinctly horrific or against all laws of decency in the 7 kingdoms
her father Ned unjustly executed for treason and whose decapitated head is displayed and used to torment her, her younger sister Arya gone missing for years and long thought dead, her home sacked and younger brothers Bran and Rickon supposedly murdered by her family's ward- a boy who grew up alongside the stark children- the burned/mutilated heads and bodies of two young boys being being put on display at winterfell, her older Brother and Mother slaughtered when their traitorous allies and bannermen men break sacred guest rights at a wedding, both their bodies desecrated in a mockery of their houses... Robb decapitated his direwolves own head placed ontop of his body while his enemies parade his remains around, her mother Catelyn's throat slit and her body dumped naked in a river and left to rot.
(In the show) Rickon being cut down before his siblings eyes by a madman who betrayed their house and had tortured Sansa herself, her "half brother" Jon betrayed and murdered by his men and later sent off into a lonley exile away from his family and home for the "crime" of taking out an invader who had just committed mass murder... Sansa being left to rule the north all alone with many of her family members long dead and the surviving ones being set on a path away from the north/winterfell while she is left to handle rulership in isolation
Aemond who after commiting the first Kinslaying of the "war of dragons" by attacking his own assailant and nephew Lucerys proceeds to lose all of the family that he loved.
Starting with the tragic murder of his innocent young nephew at the behest of his elder sister/uncle- who arranged for his mother Alicent to be attacked tied up and forced to bear witness to the gruesome murder of her grandchild,
His sister Helaena -who plead for her life to be taken to spare her son- forced under the threat of the rape of her young daughter to choose which of her young sons will be murdered. Only for all of them to be traumatize further when they kill Jaehaerys and leaving Maelor the son she "chose" to die to survive with the message that his own mother wanted him dead... the emotional torment this caused the whole family but most of all his sister who refused to eat, bathe, or look upon her remaining son due to her immense feelings of guilt
his older brother Aegon who has lost his son and heir, and whose sister/wife is in a grief so deep she cannot care for their remaining children, who is attacked and maimed but survives to live on in total agony,
the murder of Maelor, Aemond's remaining nephew at the hands of a mob
Aemond's last stand, sacrificing his dragon and his own life to take out his Uncle (the biggest threat to his family and the orchestrator of Jaehaerys' brutal murder)
The many tragedies that continued after Aemond's own death- his sister's eventual suicide, the death of his younger brother Daeron, his oldest brother outlasting all of his siblings and his own two sons only to be taken out by poison once the war is over, his mother spending the last of her years in confinement until she passes from sickness,
His niece Jaehaera, after the loss of her entire family, married off as a child in the name of "peace" and dying young and alone- of suicide or murder
There is just such fascinating potential when two characters would have so much mirroring grief and trauma ...there is such an undercurrent of helpess rage, guilt, and grief to them in their youth and a undoubtedly a feverent desire for either vengeance or justice against the many people who harmed them or slaughtered their family...
And here is where things begin to differ between the two in interesting ways
with Sansa who has these violent wishes/impulses but is not in a position to see them fulfilled herself- her desire to push Joffrey to his death even at the cost of her own life, her wish that someone will throw Ser Meryn Trant down and cut off his head, her hope that various people will fall/be unhorsed...
Sansa who recieves a direwolf, Lady, the very symbol of her house and potentially a companion that would have offered a connection that was an extension of her own soul only for Lady to be cut down so quickly and unjustly... Sansa who loses not just the connection/companionship she recieved from Lady but also the protection such a bond would offer her ... she is left vulnerable in so many ways and has no promise of reuniting with her own direwolf later on... that will never be a comfort or form of security offered to her after all the danger and trauma she experiences
While Aemond, who spent much of his young life similarly helpless to act or respond to insults and assaults on his own person or immediate family, (that his father/king either never deemed worthy of interference or punishment... that is when it wasn't the King himself who was the perpetrator of such offenses) unlike Sansa experiences a change of fortune in the form getting to bond with the symbol of his house
He gains (and gets to keep until his own death) a bond with a different sort of mythical beast companion... a dragon and as a result recieves all the potential for power and destruction that comes with being a dragon rider
By claiming Vhagar Ameond is the closest he will ever be to untouchable, not just from the harassment he personally experienced from his family but with regards to how grave and dangerous a threat/target he had now become for the blacks during the dance of dragons
Aemond now a dragonrider of the largest living dragon, a child and later teenager who is in control of the narrative equivalent of a weapon of mass destruction, and he is no longer held back from acting on his anger once the rule and interference of his neglectful father king is over,
he is in control of the most massive beast of pure destruction and unlike Sansa, who for now in the books- or for much of her story in the show- remained an unprotected hostage or pawn in the hands of those who mean to harm or use her... who handles her trauma very internally as she is not in a position to fight back, and must rely on her words, intelligence, and ability to read and strategically interact with people as a way of defending and keeping herself safe, Aemond is now in the position to enact every bloodthirsty impulse of revenge he ever experienced
He was held back from enacting vengeance only through his own will, which ultimately proves not enough- he commits the first kin slaying and soon the actions of each side escalated into a horrific bloodbath where nobility and small folk alike suffered or die en masse
While Aemond's story may be one of family devotion and loyalty, mistreatment, injustice, and suffering that ends by showing the terrible outcomes of revenge and uncontrolled cruel brutality Sansa's story feels like one where grief, rage, and mistreatment exist but where family, love, compassion, kindness, justice, and integrity will win out in the end.
Sansa was certainly developed into a more discerning strategic and ruthless figure in the show but justice, duty, and forgiveness were still very prevalent in her storyline
she does have ramsay killed in a fittingly horrific manner, but she later holds a public trial for littlefinger- who was responsible for much of her familys suffering, the death of her father, and her own torment and rape- before she has him executed,
She feels compassion and forgiveness for theon the man who had betrayed her family and drove her young brothers out of their home, who only after experiencing significant torture himself became devoted to protecting the remaining starks and was able to find the courage to disobey his own torturers in order to help Sansa escape,
She possessed a concern for other people that few ruler do in asoiaf/got... speaking up against Joffrey's cruelty even as a powerless hostage, being the person concerned with the more practical matters of caring for and feeding their people during a harsh winter- a notable development in comparison to say everyone else just focusing on battle tactics and the upcoming battles (as though feeding an army is not an essential part of warfare), and the invader who just burned westeros' food stores en masse and now expects others to feed not just her armies but also demands that her dragons be fed "whatever they want"
I think in the books however that despite Sansa's internal grief and rage and her burgeoning political acuity there will be a gentler end to her arc where her own innate sense of duty and her (now more discerning) sense of compassion will win out in the end when she takes back her name, identity, and birthright ... that she along with her surviving family will have justice administered in the name of their lost family and people... efficiently bringing down righteous and necessary judgement on those that harmed and betrayed them rather than simply dealing out some form of mass, bloody, cruel revenge on her enemies (I'll leave that for lady stoneheart) ... and that a satisfying ending for her and the other starks will balance them realistically addressing the dangers and betrayal they faced with their own personal resolve to hold true to the values imparted to them by their parents.
... yet after all her suffering (and the frustrating lack of trust, consideration, or support she was given by her own family in the later GOT seasons) there is something darkly appealing to the idea of her getting (not a hero precisely) but a ruthless and devoted sort of monster to support her and bring down unholy vengeance on her various tormentors
PART 4/4: THE RESULTING DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL APPEAL OF AEMONDSA FICS
This after their many parallels and complementary contrasts is what intrigues me the most...the interplay of a potentially wary, cautious, traumatized but still duty and justice oriented person and a companion or lover who is comparatively more ruthless, unhinged, capable of atrocities, and who is more equipped to dole out violence en masse... (guys the pipeline from dark jon/dark jonsa to aemondsa just makes so much sense)
the question in Aemondsa fics of what will win out in the end- the shared grief and rage or them both controlling/channeling such impulses into strategic righteous fury and justice is always fascinating... and most of all the idea of Sansa (after all the trauma mistreatment and grief she has experienced) attaining the interest and eventual devotion of someone who despite being capable of monstrous actions is also incredibly loyal, devoted, and ruthless in the pursuit of their loved ones interests ("I want you to put out your eye ... plan to make it a gift if it to my mother" indeed) is just as appealing as the idea where an isolated, lonely, traumatized, grieving, and dangerously angry young man like Aemond gets to find acceptance, affection, companionship, and belonging with an intelligent strategic but more importantly an exceptionally compassionate person like Sansa.
Its just a dynamic far too intriguing to ignore especially for someome who already loved Time Travel/Reincarnation Fix IT AUs in fanfiction
While emotional catharsis and Sansa returning home and having the dreams she had wrote off as impossible be fulfilled (i.e. building a loving partnership and marriage, having children with someone who loves and wants her more than her claim itself, reuniting with her family) is something I love- and what I want to happen in canon (hence my otp being Jonsa)- there is always an interesting/guilty pleasure aspect of fanfic where Sansa (or the Starks in general) get to wreck terrible bloody victory and vengeance on those who betrayed and butchered their family and people (not really the ultimate message or point of the book but definitely emotionally satisfying in fanfic)
Just like there is a sort of appeal that exists in hotd fanfic that is sort of the opposite ...ones that alter the violent senseless and tragic trajectory of the dance of dragons... to either change the course of a brutal civil war or prevent it all together
and the Aemondsa pairing's time travel or reincarnation fics provide an opportunity to explore both of these diverse dynamics.
Sansa will always deserve the world... in canon and in fanfic i want to see all her dream and hopes come true whether it is with a truly good and just partner with whom she gets to build the life and home she always dreamed of or through her getting her very own devoted monster who would do anything to keep her safe from the scores of people who wish to misuse or harm her
and I always wish that hotd fanfiction offered more Aemond centric fics with a love interest that you know actually likes, sympathizes with, or understand him? He feels too tragic a character for me to want him to experience the typical hate and love (enemies AND lovers) treatment he tends to get in fanfic... its not really satisfying for me seeing his typical pairing up with whatever team black character (or really TB character rewrite) or some Daemon's or Rhaenyra's daughter OC that is the frequent choice for aemond centric fics...him being portrayed as some impusive awful and villainous love interest who changes sides and abandons his family just to be with his lover/obsession feels so out of character in a way that erases the best, most compelling, and sympathetic parts of his canon personality, motives, and actions.
Luckily Aemondsa fics seems to be a pairing that offers everything I like in Ameond or Sansa centric fics....
In conclusion Aemondsa is surprisingly compelling and versatile dynamic in fanfic and I think that is why I've become such a fan of Firesteel/Aemondsa fanfiction (in a way I'm NOT at all a fan of the actual HOTD show writing lol)
I'm a proud support of crack ships/rarepairs and I'm always willing to add to the fandom appreciation of pairings that gets less attention or fandom related works... so expect to see the occasional Aemondsa fanart/fic recommendation post from me amongst my typical jonsa content (in fact expect one in the next in a day or so)
Otherwise I just hope established Ameondsa fans (or people who haven't ready any aemondsa fics but are fans of either character/curious about this pairing in general) have enjoyed seeing me fangirl about these two characters/this crack ship and feel inspired to check out or even make their own Aemondsa content!
-Crimsom Cold
#aemondsa#rarepair appreciation#aemond and sansa parallels#firesteel#aemond targaryen character study#sansa stark character study#explores both book and show aspects of these characters#sansa rarepair#Crimson Cold thoughts#aemond x sansa#aemond targaryen x sansa stark#asoiaf/got#hotd#HOTD S2-Free Zone#not the focus but for filtering ->#asoiaf/got fandom critical#hotd fandom critical#anti viserys i targaryen#rhaenyra critical#ned stark critical#jonsa adjacent#anti daenerys targaryen#robb stark critical#hbo's hotd critical
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The best part of Midsommar is that the main heroine is a psychologist
#please understand that I say it as someone with a psych-adjacent degree myself#but also#I sort of love how the main character finally manages to get in touch with reality while being on the intersection of two mirages#the therapyspeak world#and the messed up neopagan fairytale#if one of the approaches was more sane than the other it wouldn't hit so hard#I expected simply a study of how people can be lured into a cult and got so much more#(mostly delightful satire on a whole bunch of different groups)#(but also... yeah. all your smart words and fancy degrees won't save you if you rely on them instead of working through your problems.#the world is darker and deeper than that)
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Let Me Speak: A Character Study
(A story of life, love, and hope; of sorrow, struggle, and rebuilding after loss. A story of everything a life can be, and all the ways it matters. A character study of Melinda May, and the parts of her story they didn’t tell.)
. . .
PART ONE
At the age of six years old, Melinda Qiaolian May knew two things:
One—regardless of the cheerful ribbing from her father about children and the things they would understand when they were older, she would not, at any point in her life, enjoy coffee. (This assertion stood the test of time, as it turned out, a fact Melinda maintained with righteous dignity throughout her life).
Two—she was not afraid of heights.
There were other things she knew, of course, and things she was very much afraid of. But — there are priorities. As she grew older, Melinda liked to keep a count of all the things that didn’t scare her, and practiced leaning into the way those certainties weighed steady on her spine when shadows stretched strangely in the night.
Continue reading on ao3.
#this has been my secret and my headache and the thing i'm proudest of and the ridiculously ambitious thing i've been telling EVERYONE about#for almost TWO YEARS#and the first part of it is finally yours.#featuring our favorite baby agents#and their very beginnings.#pre canon shenanigans#strike team delta#shenaniganry#and my best attempt at some vaguely romance adjacent things. (one of my most nervewracking but favorite sections.)#and also. devastation. because. that's how life is sometimes.#but this is a hopeful story at its core. and it has been one of the hardest and most terrifying and most rewarding things i've done.#i am rattling in my boots folks#with delight and also terror#but i am /so excited/ to finally be sharing this with you.#i poured my whole heart into this project#and i really really really hope you enjoy it <3#parts two and three#and more screaming from me#coming soon.#agents of shield#agents of shield fanfiction#melinda may#aos fanfic#origin story#phil coulson#natasha romanov#clint barton#andrew garner#the ladies of SHIELD#character study
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didnt one of the authors say that if Swiftpaw had survived he would have ended up with Ferncloud?
Checking the wiki, I have No idea, but also the authors really just say anything LOL. I just saw they wrote that its a mistake to call Fernkit and Ashkit adoptive littermates of Cloudkit and I'm saying ding dong you are wrong and I'm saying that they are literally siblings you can't change my mind
I don't dislike Fern/Swift but both characters are honestly too underdeveloped in canon for me to feel any strongly about it! It probably holds better since there's no alarming, overlooked age gap and also maaaybe no mixed bloodlines? Don't quote me on that last bit. We all know Clancat lines are a bad tangle already, but I do recall there being issues with Bright/Swift being related.
#most exploration of characters I post on my blog will be “canon adjacent” at best imo#I have some thoughts about goldenflower/tigerstar feelings on each other but its not canon according to wiki page. I will ignore that!#I'm here for my own fun!#ask#side note also i am not a big ship guy. i will explore relationships bc theyre fun studies of characters#but i generally dont go super brainwormy like a lot of people tend to over romance based content#not art
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Callisto’s dads :)
#ttrpg art#fat character#fat positive#trans#nonbinary#cryptidart#cw scars#t4t art#a cool qpr :)#I am so sorry if I butchered Ancient Greece-esque fashion I know nothing#my gm literally studied classics so I’m just trying so hard to not bungle everything#the setting isn’t Ancient Greece but it’s like. sort of adjacent
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wrote something today, genuinely did not mean to write so much angsty breakup dean/benny in this fic but here we are
Dean sits in steeped silence, frowning at his hands laced on the table. Benny talks first. “Dean—”
“Just—” Dean holds up a hand and closes his eyes. “You don’t get to do that.”
Benny’s shoulders slump. Quietly: “Yeah. I know.”
“Just because we get along, doesn’t mean—”
“I know.”
“So then what the fuck gives?”
Benny sighs, scrubbing a hand down his face. “It may not necessarily mean it. But I have eyes.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I see the way you look at him.”
Dean lets out an incredulous laugh. He tilts back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. “Jesus.”
“What? You want me to just not say anything?”
“Actually, yeah,” Dean says, pitching his voice lower so that Cas can’t hear this ridiculous conversation. “I want you to keep your mouth shut so you don’t drive out the one good thing I finally got going.”
Benny rises from the table, fingers encircling Dean’s wrist. "I worry about you. That's all I'm saying."
Anger swells again, the crest of a wave. Dean pulls out of Benny’s grasp. “I’m getting real tired of people saying that.”
“Can you blame them? Your dad died not even a year ago, Dean. You can’t keep an assistant keeper here. Those men died on your watch. Sam wants to leave—”
“He can leave!” Dean snaps.
“But he can’t leave, because he’s worried about you.”
“Okay. Fine. I’m fucked up, I’m—I’m broken. Is that what you want to hear? But the thing is with Cas, he doesn’t handle me with kid gloves. Unlike the rest of you, he’s not acting like I’m made of glass and I’m gonna break and shatter if you drop me.”
Benny’s face twists into something pained. “Oh, cher,” he says.
“Don’t—don’t do that,” Dean says, jabbing a finger at Benny. “Don’t you pity me. I don’t want that shit.”
Crossing his arms, Benny stares at Dean with wide, sad eyes. “Dean…”
“I know it was my fault, okay?” Dean says. “I know that what we had—losing that—it’s my fault. I came back from the war, just…” he takes a sharp breath, “fucked up and you tried to wait for me to get better, I—I get that.”
They sent letters to each other, while they were both at war. I’ll come home for you, Benny promised. I’ll come back too, Dean replied.
Little did they know, there wouldn’t be much of the old Dean coming back at all.
#where there is darkness fic#destiel#with ex benny/dean adjacent lol#this chapter ended up being a deep character study on this version of post ww2 dean and i'm not mad about it
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youtube
This is honestly an absolute masterpiece of a video edit. Just something so very simple as the right song dubbed over the right scenes takes my breath away.
🎶The place where you hold me
Dark in a pocket of truth
The moon had swallowed the sun and the light of the earth
And so it was for you
When the river eclipsed your life
And sent your soul like a message in a bottle to me
And it was my rebirth🎶
That bit almost had me in tears.
By the gods that was powerful!
Just the way these 2 character’s lives are so eternally intertwined that you could regard them as one being just based on the profound love and devotion they have for each other alone. There’s nothing else like it.
There’s not a single relationship in TV art/entertainment that comes close to theirs.
And it’s video edits like this that really illustrate that.
Just incredible, masterful work right here. I’m in awe.
#xena warrior princess#xena and gabrielle#xabrielle#xena#lucy lawless#gabrielle#renee o'connor#an epic love story#character dynamics#character study video#wlw representation#virginia woolf#fray-adjacent
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hi. smiles. michiru and maple and physical affection.
michiru's never really kissed anyone - even platonically. her parents aren't affectionate with one another, so there's little there to figure out… and although they often hug her, they rarely touch her chest/face (unless they're braiding her hair�� but even then, michiru often had to cut it short due to school regulations before she properly transitioned). the only time that her father did give her a kiss was on her forehead before she went in for heart surgery, and her mother used to do it sometimes before michiru went out for school but. well. michiru was always a bit stiff and never knew what to say in return. with hugs, she eventually learned how to return them, but with kisses on the cheek…?? she just sort of stands there, and her mother took it as if she was uncomfortable with it so she stopped.
along with that, michiru's never had anyone she felt intense romantic feelings for. she's had brief moments with her (few) friends where she wonders if this is romantic love, but always snuffs it out before it becomes anything more than that because she. doesn't want to lose her friends, when she manages to find any. and she doesn't want to make it a larger issue than it is, whether it becomes something for classmates to gawk at, or keeping in touch like this ends up disrupting her own work. she is staunchly the sort who places her duty before her personal life - who would give up the people she cares most for if it meant the world as a whole were better off. and as she sees it, with her ambition in mind, pursuing work is the best chance she has at achieving the best for humanity as a whole. and if that means she doesn't have as much time for any possible lovers or friends… then those people are better off without her. she doesn't want to hurt them or make them feel unwanted. she'd rather shoulder those feelings herself… and as high school approaches, she's spoken this into reality.
she's become so involved in her own studies and - eventually - her work that she rarely even manages to look at anyone else enough to know what their face looks like. partly the autism & anxiety, but it's also because she knows that most of this is going to be temporary anyhow and she doesn't want to drag people with her down a path they aren't passionate for. she may love them, but her love doesn't matter - her goal does. it's just a blessing that her parents have always wanted her to pursue the medical field, too. because she'd hate to leave them behind, to have to argue that she's fighting for the exact thing that wracked their entire family with grief. at least her parents have some sensibility to not condemn her for this dedication… although they rarely hide how they miss her. she's their only child, after all. but more than that - in her eyes, she's one of the world's only saviors. few people are as resolute as her, or can endure the pain she does in excising these human connections. she is human, she does long for this, but she's just one of many - and it's for the many that she works as hard as she does. so be it.
however, from that… becoming romantically involved with maple is the closest thing to perfection on this path.
michiru's work isn't simply some 'far off' thing for humanity, but something which can affect the person she loves so dearly. the more she works with ais, with their physical form and their emotional capabilities, the more she's able to provide for maple… should maple accept it. she'd never force anything upon maple, and that's also something maple cherishes - even if she can't quite register why and voice it.
maple appreciates how considerate michiru always manages to be. she stays when maple's afraid of the next development in preparation for the death game, she lets maple know how ai development is going - but never once understates maple's own emotions, even in the simplicity of the program that gashu and hiyori granted her, as the very first attempt at versatile ai (beyond basic fear/anger present in other obstructors used for training). in fact, michiru only ever introduces this to her because she wants maple to be able to experience so much more, and she wants to stay by her side to help her along in these new experiences…
and. with the idea of new experiences, i do think that on the occasions they speak about society outside of asunaro, maple does have an interest in romance… she's curious if how hiyori's programmed it into her is typical, and more than that, she's. curious how michiru has experienced it. how often she feels this sort of simple heartbreak mixed with endless longing; and i'm sure the first few times, michiru somewhat brushes it off, but as they become closer, she's forced to acknowledge more of that subtle yearning for. maple, herself. which means she lets the conversations go on further than she used to, more personal, which maple loves to learn. it's an interest which rivals that of hiyori - perhaps succeeding it because she's long since accepted that hiyori is a private person, but she sees how michiru's grown more comfortable around her. letting herself get wrapped up in her ramblings more, meaning she stutters somewhat less; relaxing and leaning against maple; smiling and laughing more… it's a new side of her, and maple feels loved.
and when it comes to love, maple wants to show that this love is reciprocated… in the smallest ways. whereas hiyori is particular about how maple may show it, maple simply asks michiru what she'd like someone to do, who loves her. to show they love her. there are the obvious answers, of course… 'i just want someone who listens; who cares for me as i am and never shies from that…' but when she asks what can be done to show that, beyond these words they exchange. michiru does mention hand-holding, hugging, and … well, though they haven’t done this yet, kissing as a physical show of it. they’ve comforted each other before with the other two, but with michiru’s permission, maple does lean in to give her a kiss and just. quietly thank her for being here for her, through all of this.
even after this, and after they are allowed to be romantic with each other (w the other program removed), they still don’t kiss as often. but it is something maple loves to do in quiet moments, when no one sees. she, admittedly, wants to keep that ‘permission’ for herself; she doesn’t want anyone else to see something so personal to the two of them… she likes being the only person who michiru trusts with this, and sort of fears that someone else may see her being so affectionate and will challenge it. hiyori often hid what sort of affection he wanted, so there was no risk of that; but maple doesn’t want to. put michiru ‘at risk’ in a sense… just for the idea of people seeing her soften up around maple, then sharply asking why an obstructor is allowed such a thing, so on so on… she knows it could be easily taken from her memory, but michiru’s promised to protect that as best as she can now. maple likes bringing michiru close when she’s sleepy and kissing her. not just the lips, but her cheek, neck, and when they’re not cuddling, her hand… it’s sweet. and although she still struggles with articulating it, it makes michiru very happy.
&... since i touched on the moment of romance, i imagine the best scenario for their relationship to progress would be post-death game when michiru ends up rebuilding maple with backup files. with hiyori out of the picture permanently (his death is yet another necessary 'honor' for the eventual successor), and her taking up gashu's role as his immediate assistant, she has much more reign over what projects she's allowed to revive… and i think it'd be really sweet if she did one of those things where you engrave a message on the computer chip to say : "May love be used to protect you hereafter." as more of a silent promise, you know ?!
even before the death game, I imagine they'd be very sweet with each other wrt the above.. they just. wouldn't put a label on it - it's something the two of them are too nervous to address so plainly, in the (irrational) case that doing so would discourage the other person from being as comfortably affectionate. but they do have a close relationship, regardless of status, and it's the first time they've ever had someone they felt they could entrust themselves to :'D
#visibly shaking. i have a normal amount of thoughts on safamaple why do you ask.#jestersvaguely#yttdposting#yttd meta#<- adjacently. i'm discussing character studies. somewhat.#long post
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WIP Wednesday - ereani, misc
A scene from what will likely be a ~10k post-canon oneshot.
"What did he say to you?"
"Not much. Just to get out of Liberio, if I was serious about marrying you."
Comprehension dawned on her face. "Yeah," she muttered. "He's been telling me that ever since I came back."
A delicateness to her brought out by civilian life. Stocky, losing the definition from years of strict training and the Titan's condition. The old facsimile lived on in scar tissue, in the curve of her chin, eyelids.
She was looking at her tea. “My mother died giving birth to me. She wasn’t a Titan or anything special.” She didn't seem to notice the change in his expression. “I don’t think my father ever forgave me.”
Eren was at a loss for what to say. This is the bastard you swore to return home to, year after year? But—he could only hold a mirror up to himself. Armin and Mikasa, fretting after his absence. His own father, gone for months at a time. No kid ever got to choose their parents.
"He's not evil," she said. "In his mind, he's provided me a better life than I would've had as a civilian. I wouldn't call it untrue." A crease formed in her brow. "I used to think he'd hate me, if I succeeded in my mission. That I'd be choosing Marley over my own family."
As if she was somehow bereft of suffering. What a ridiculous notion. They’d been living on their own terms so long, there wasn't any time to consider an alternative.
Eren's jaw set. “It would be your choice.” It sounded hollow. A platitude, but he meant it now as he had back in the old tenement. He’d wormed into her life, an albatross of socio-political turmoil.
She glanced at him. "Three years isn't a lot of time." His thumb skirted over the back of her hand, and she upturned her palm.
#aot#snk#character study#ereani adjacent#eren jaeger#annie leonhardt#I swear between heaven & earth is just an excuse to get to this point#but the more I turn it over in my head I wonder if it's possible to end w/o complete and abject despair#...or maybe I just need some sleep
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Narinder’s favorite flower is the Camellia.
#cult of the lamb#cotl#cotl narinder#cotl the one who waits#cotl lamb#cotl leshy#cotl fanfic#fanfic#mostly a character study also I just wanted to write something angst adjacent so#my stuff
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rohan campbell as dane (1x11), experiencing the five four stages of grief.
bonus:
😱pictures taken moments before disaster😱
#rohan campbell#daneposting#dp 1x11#dane is an interesting critter. my studies on him continue.#at least all the teens are actually played by teens in this show. for once.#rohan's long hair era was a moment tbqh#he is every emotion ever#those sad wet eyes#i'm a terrible person but he has the perfect face for crying 💗#why does rohan play so many jock or jock adjacent characters ??#does he have jock energy ??
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naurrr not u becoming a gavi jude shipper
pls keep it out of the pedri tag
? I haven't tagged anything with Pedri. If it bothers you, you can just block me.
#ask#answered#this is very weird of you anon#especially weird of you to assume that I should only be capable of just one thought or idea#as if I haven't written 10K of Gavi & Pedri falling in love#Also most of my long fics are character studies#Gavi is gonna go through so much growth and change in that fic (whenever I get to it) because the story is inherently about Gavi#but oh well#Dawn's RPF Era#Basil adjacent
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Once again I am asking myself why I decided to write this.
#trying to write romance/romance-adjacent fic that's not drenched in 10 layers of blatant angst I feel like I'm losing my mind#this is supposed to be!! the fandom that's!!!! easy to write for!!!!!!!#usually if I'm clawing at my scalp over my perceived incompetence/embarrassing nature it's not over THIS like what HAPPENED to me#I need to do like. a simple character study or something. after this. like a non-romance-related one. because I am at my wit's end.#I don't believe in cringe unless it's a thing I'm making in which case the concept exists and is defined solely by me and whatever I do#AAAAAAHHHHH
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