#cause like. idk what ill end up doing with this concept!!

[twinchromatid]

Hey so if you want to talk about your voltron rewrite, let this be a sign, cause i very much i want to hear about it

OMG YESS !! id absolutely love to talk about it!!

i think it’s important to know that my rewrite (or reboot, however you want to phrase it) is explicitly not a VLD rewrite. it takes a lot of elements from VLD, sure, but ive also taken inspiration from the 1984 show & golion. overall, it’s a completely different show with modified lore, characters, character dynamics, and (most importantly imo) the sequence of events are drastically different. think of it as if vld was a sci-fi war drama with some romance & family bonding sprinkled in there. its fun!!

the show is also much darker thematically. sure, theres a lot of fun moments (lance getting engaged to an alien prince on accident & becoming a princess is one of my favorites) but this is a show about war. its meant to be darker!! theres a couple other main themes ive got going on, but i could realistically ramble about this concept for hours and barely cover the whole thing. ill leave yall in the dark for now lol

one of my big grievances with VLD that i definitely share with a lot of people was the lion swap. rewatching VLD, i really noticed just how unsatisfying and rushed the whole thing was. ive kept the swap in my reboot, but the cause, effect, and overall handling of the swap is much different & relates to the lore in new ways.

i really could continue, but this is all still in a concept phase & this post would be significantly longer if i did !! im probably going to create a sideblog for this though, youll see it soon (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

thank u for the question tho!! if u have any specific ones, send me an ask xoxo

[krillking]

*saunters cutely* what are your forest elder beast hcs :3

OK OK SO. Quick preface or whatever but a lot of this n just the hcs i got in general for a lot of the elders have been cooking for. A while in my brain and in rambles with friends so no idea how to fully explain it all 10000% through a tumblr post BUT picking up teth by the scruff anyways ill do my best

a handful of thoughts are usually based on like. Bobcats/lynx actually thanks to this one scrap of concept art from when tgc was still rolling with the whole animal elders idea in development but since im a sucker for animal hcs i just took it n ran with it

ANYWAYS few of the big ones in terms of like. Appearance for teth are that she gets some fangs n claws obviously and er pupils can also constrict into slits

at the same time though they can also dilate which looks silly but i think teth should be silly sometimes. As a treat

A TAIL TOO this thought is a bit more recent shoutout to salem over @/catb-sh for that idea

it's like a bobcat tail tho so it's just. Short

also also. Yknow how baby bobcats are just made with ZERO proportions in mind? teth when they were younger girl was so lanky

with behavior i dont think she'd be too different? like. General feline grace n all would prob apply here which makes for an insane combo when u consider the strength teth has with the whole blacksmithing thing going on

another silly thought but teth would also just have The Bobcat Scream (look it up if u haven't) which sounds. Super ridiculous but it makes me insane like imagine being in hidden forest and just hearing That in the distance cause they got startled or smthing

ALSO PURRING. SHOUTOUT TO THAT BIG FAN KF THAT also kneading when they're all relaxed n comfy though they'd never do that around anyone unless they're like super super close to them

i am. Very normal abt beast elders n a handful of these actually? Kinda apply to the samekh twins since i roll with the hc theyre teths kids with priestess (concept valley elder basically turned fanon idk if u know abt her yet but. Bro if you don't then just ask @whitebookposts trust me when i say they're her #1 fan.) and i like to think that priestess samekh is like. Reindeer when it comes to er creature so it just ends up in the twins being like funky cat/reindeer fellas

anyways in summary. Handing this over to teth

[fernlessbastard]

first time using this ask thing heh and i don’t rly know what to say, but, as a casual tntduo lover to another tntduo lover, i desperately kindly ask what are your favourite fics? dont rly mind if its suggestive/smut, id still like to show dem authors love and support. as a trade offer, ill leave some fic recs on my next ask hehe :]

anyways been following u for a while now (on insta) and id like to say ur art brings me immense joy and never fails to inspire me. hope u and your partner have a nice day! bubye !

i know this aint a prompt or idea or concept but u just seem like a cool person that i want to interact with :]

Hiiiiii

My guy, I am so sorry, but I hardly have any recommendations...

Why? Well, I went to my AO3 account, and like a solid 1/3 of my history was completely deleted - as in the works were deleted. Additionally, I haven't been reading much lately, so I have no newer titles, unfortunately. But here's the couple I have:

there's always this thing that we're becoming. Brilliantly written, genuinely gorgeous, in character, etc - it is smut though (top notch smut, though)

I'm pretty sure I enjoyed TntDuo Content I Don't Want To Attach My Username To too - also smut lmao

Agape - NOT smut, for once, but never finished lmao

There's also this fic I am completely not connected to ha ha it's called Losing Face and while it is unfinished I heard that the author is doing this like kinda rewrite kinda reimagining sort of thing where tldr it's the same concept just executed better ha haa👀👀👀

Another one is real life au - it's VERY heavy though. Like, I had to stop reading it at some point cause it was legitimately just hitting too hard. It is well written, and it's supposed to evoke those emotions, but just be VERY careful with it. VERY tldr is that it's about Schlatt - Q's abusive ex - becoming Wilbur's sugar daddy. It is VERY dead dove do not eat, and deals with SA and s-cidal ideation. The fic is called Sugar Lips, but I won't put the link here cause seriously, it's fucking heavy - and in a very realistic way, not the fantasy "eating someone's heart while they're alive" type of thing, but in a "this happens to real people in real life" type of way. Idk if you still want to read it dm me for the link but yeah, just please stay safe, guys

And then there's one work which I cannot find for the life of me - I don't know if it got deleted or something but if it wasn't, tntblr please help me find it It was about Wilbur coming to Quackity when his stitches break. Once the guy stitches him up, there's a whole scene when Wilbur has a breakdown and Quackity helps him through it. Then I believe it's kinda this sort of "montage" of how Wilbur and Q kinda grow closer, and (spoiler alert) it ends with some event during which Sapnap and Karl show up and there's arguing and at some point Wilbur and Sapnap start fighting (physically) and Wilbur ends up beating Sapnap to death. It was so well written, and it was one of the earliest fics i've read, and i haven't been able to find it for a long, long time now

Anyway send me asks about absolutely anything, don't worry about it being "right" or anything - all asks are welcome, be it HCs, prompts, ideas, or just some appreciation, sharing something you like, a question to me, etc :]

[velvetvexations]

I'm answering these via text again because it would take way too long otherwise!

read the screencaps of that one really nasty transradfem you rb'd a little earlier and you know what struck me in particular is, especially as they went on (there were many) it was so interesting seeing how many of them used text like "trans women" almost exclusively for trans women but trans men/mascs got almost exclusively called 'tboys' 'they/hes' 'tmes' 'theyfabsbians (???)' and 'aidans' and not once just called trans men. and i wonder if theres some part of them that is aware of how bad that would look. how much more spiteful that would seem. or at least more obviously full of shit. or maybe its just self-righteous rage idk. it doesn't REALLY matter WHY, its just stomach-curdling dehumanization and its suuuch a bummer. anyway youre great as ever! have a good weekend :)

It's so fucking gross and weird, and blatantly transandrophobic specifically in a way that's undeniable.

The conversations around it have cooled down, but it was disconcerting seeing people act like the reaction to intersex people in athletics is purely transphobic (and only impacting intersex athletes incidentally), when one of the people actually supporting rulings against intersex women is Joanna Harper, a trans woman and scientist. She has previously testified against Caster Semenya on behalf of World Athletics. I support Harper's work in arguing for trans women's inclusion in sport. It is vitally important. I do not wish ill on her whatsoever. But she showcases the huge intersexism problem the wider trans community has, which needs to be more widely acknowledged. ("Hyperandrogenism and women vs women vs men in sport: A Q&A with Joanna Harper" is perhaps the most illustrative example of her views.)

Also, you straight-up have countless numbers of radfems and other transphobes taking the intersex argument into account wrt Imane Khelif and going "yeah well he's still a male sweetie :)" so it's not like you can even say her situation specifically was about trans women even if that was a large part of it.

this isnt a trans related thing but i know you answer asks often so apolgies in advance do you ever get so excited that you just dont do something? like, not "oh i dont have the energy/cant focus/ect" but your just so excited to do something that you literally can't? i'm having that with some videos i wanna watch and its like pleaseeee i just wanna watch themmmm but now i've been plagued with energy

sorry, anon with to much energy again, would like to add i'm not sure if i have adhd or not but i'm leaning towards no cause it would be really inconvenient if i did and also this happens with literally everything not just videos, books, youtube vids(rn), tv shows, games idk how to end this so have a good day!

My problem is definitely in the opposite direction, I never have enough energy. Would that we could switch.

So I will say iirc social murder is a legitimate concept that's typically used to describe the ways that vulnerable populations are quietly killed under the guise of "letting die" such as putting DNRs on disabled patients during covid who had no desire for and indeed no idea they had effectively been marked as "acceptable to let die". It goes along with stuff like abjectification aka a demographic is made into not simply an object or non-human but a monster worthy of being put down. The abjectification of Palestinians is what allows the state of israel to say explicitly or implicitly things like "there are no innocent civilians" Sorry if there's any typos I've missed ^^;;

Pervious anon again to also clarify that social murder is something done systematically and can be done by omission too like the way in which adoptees especially trans racial & international adoptees face higher rates of suicide, risk of harm fron caregives, and medical issues that go treated bc of a lack of family medical history bc were just seen as ungrateful for wanting contact with our families of origin even if it's SOLEY for getting our medical records

Trans ppl of all kinds experience social murder through medical neglect, domestic/caregiver/workplace violence and though omission via lack of legal protection/trans panic defense stuff. Social murder is not something one individual does to another individual though individuals do uphold the systems that allow social murder...it's very uncomfortable to be part of the demographics that are subject to these quiet "letting die" situations and fear that we'll become a statistic and then have ppl try to turn it into an interpersonal gotcha for lateral aggression / separatist purposes so like ty for trying to course correct that Again sorry if we missed any typos and we think your really cool ^^;;

I think that's just a similar name for an entirely different concept, though. I don't know to what extent "social murder" is or was used outside of transradfem circles to mean "canceling but like, evil" but it was the first time I heard either the phrase or that context.

hey as a trans man I just wanted to let you know I really really appreciate your blog and you standing with us, I hope we can all endeavour to stand by each other in times like this. we're stronger together than apart and every trans person, regardless of identity, deserves to have a voice.

It's always my pleasure, anon.

nice transandrophobic opinion, nerd. did you get it from your favorite tankie blogger?

lmao fr I need to start using that

Miss Velvet, I am unfollowing, flambéing, blocking, etc for your dragon ball takes! …just kidding. I love your posts.

I have all the right takes.

youre so cool

I knowwwwww

such a weird assumption that trans women cant be into detrans kink too?? my trans girlfriend was into it and even if i personally wasnt i like being a kink sponge so she could get it all out on me

It's especially bullshit because the coiner of transandrophobia was crucified for a indulging a trans woman with a detrans kink.

out of curiosity. any thoughts on cannibalism? hypothetically of course. fantasy only

Not my thing, although I think the metaphysical idea of incorporating what you eat into your spirit somehow is fascinating.

I checked the post and I'm not seeing ops letting terfs call trans women rapist in the replies Like its not there They were just offline and can't be online to block every shit terf that speaks every three seconds. Also love how that person remived rbs after u saw the post bc they know theyre lying and pretending they're being "dogpiled"

I relaize I might just have all the terfs blocked but my point stabds: this person probably isnt chronically online to argue with every terfs who makes up lies. i sometimes just ignore them bc yhe obly terfs i worry about are the ones who say that shit in real queer spaces an noth their pathetic little blogs

Yeah, like. The idea was that they were deleting one group of radfems and not the other and that just wasn't true. So frustrating, but them killing the reblogs is hilarious as always.

[clockworkcheetah]

*shaking your shoulders* hiiiii tell me everything about your thought process behind writing your incredible bangfic the bad dog nerves, inspiration characters writing EVERYTHING it's so good tell us more

hiii getting to talk about my creations!!! ahhh

ok so cause its been a couple of months and my memory is nothingness aka im a little hazy on some stuff. buuuuuut i distinctly remember several things that heavily inspired TBDN im just gonna run my thoughts as they come so i apologise if its incoherent. i am also putting this under a readmore for the sake of everyone. and because spoilers for the fic

first inspo was deathmark2 cause it got its english translation earlier this year (i love deathmark but ill say everytime i talk of it its very difficult to recommend cause it needs so many content warnings). im very much the kinda person who can and will mash fandoms together- ill make those parallels. god cant stop me. basically dm is what got the ball rolling for me- spirits and possession and influenced moods. its only inspired pretty loosely by dm- very much the general concept/brainrot for both fandoms kinda deal. also more horror elements in dghda yes pls

another thing that inspired it was the doctor who ep 'midnight'. that ep was chilling- i think about how you can tell ten is fully awake and aware during his possession and it stuck with me- a+ acting from david. its a fear of mine being fully awake/aware whilst having no control of your body/immobilised and you cant do anything but wait for the inevitable. granted todd leaned more towards anger, or like the five stages of grief, than fear. but that felt more him also cause it went on longer than a few hours (or rather he expresses his fear through anger/lashing out) but i wanted that ugly rawness of it- hes nervous like a bad dog ay ayyyyyyy

(i sorta wish i went harder with it at the end with his scene with dirk, but alas he was burnt out and healing)

also tbh i just love scenes like that in media too. the character is right there! its so close and nobody is helping them so they gotta save their own ass and be a bitch about it

also i just kinda wanted more fics where dirk just fucks up?? like theres no hoops being jumped through to make what he said right (im not exactly a fan of this fanon!dirk where hes this saint who does no wrong/is always right/everyone else is to blame) so that was a goal in mind when writing this- dirk mostly, but also amanda to an extent of being wrong (not like in some horrible malicious way just. you made a bad call. u gotta live with it). also why todd was quicker to forgive farah (or at least be on better terms with her than the others- i really wish i included a convo between them aw well) granted these arent really specific to this fic- i like to have it in other fics, i need those two to fuck up. as well as todd getting to be angry/upset without this notion that he cant cause he did bad things therefore can only be bad, undeserving person forever cause thats how it works obviously (look if i wanted content of todd fucking up id watch the show lemme have something else with fics- ok ill stop being salty now asdfghjkl;)

i also really wanted the aftermath of what happened to be explored (i love the concept of possession/mindcontrol but shows kinda brush it off after the character is freed. like??? youre telling theyre all sunshine and fine now??? no way, theres gonna be a recovery period. aka todds body being weak from literally having zero nutrients, miru not taking care of the body, also learning to have control of his own body again

with the characters or i guess specifically project miru, she wasnt inspired by anything specific. i really like tragic but unsympathetic characters in media so wanted to have a try at it, and to explore the whole riggins' favouritism towards dirk and how the other projects may have felt. idk how well i pulled it off but i had fun writing her interactions with todd even if it was mostly them being dicks to eachother and being a dick to everyone

ok my brain is starting to run on empty so ill close up this haha.

im sure this is universal but when i got the idea of this fic i had the immediate The Scenes™️ for it. they were: amandas confrontation and realising that oh shit it isnt todd the whole time that scene was vivid in my head (also fave scene to write!!) and the other is the final scene with dirk and todd and todd breaking down. todds kinda the 'strong' one of the two (to dirk) and the caretaker- so someone takes care of him and lets him be upset with everyone

but yeah!!! some of my thoughts behind the creation of TBDN 💖🥰🧡 theres stuff i wish i included in the fic and ideas i had after i had already posted but im happy with it regardless. at its core i just wanted some sweet sweet todd whump i wanna traumatise that little man

[rusty--rose]

thinking about rusty rose (+ black rose by association) soooo headcanons/assorted thoughts time. mostly centered around rusty i just like her

rusty she/it (it/its is out of reclamation + for funsies) black they/she . i dont make the rules i just enforce them

rusty used to be a regular little girl and was horrifically altered into a killing machine. the only organic part of her body left is a bit of its face. if youve ever discussed her with me you know i believe this wholeheartedly despite knowing the rating of the show would definitely keep them from touching on this.

the eye thats behind a cage is like. used for receiving signals and ui and other stuff. but most importantly its pretty much whats keeping its brain going and keeping it from processing what happened to her body. because if she did itd freak out

... i wonder what would happen if someone on the crew pointed it out lol.

something something phantom pains and traumatic memories hitting so bad that she shuts down (literally or mentally? thats for you to decide) for a few days! yaaaaayyy how fun!

i think the no place crew doesnt trust her fully with the obvious exception of black rose . they kinda just let her do whatever. it doesnt process this cause shes too focused on steering the ship and keeping it functioning (at least in the time between dread leaving and the new yoke invasion, which is probably a while if were taking weird time shit into account).

speaking of that. it doesn't sleep! she does that all night! the others have shown concern for this but it insists shes fine.

ok maybe im thinking more about her fully shutting down for a few days now . what about it. i should make a separate post about this but thats not how i operate

itd probably be after blackrose finally says something. i imagine she kinda feels that something is wrong deep down but pushes it back because she doesnt understand that stuff! theyre just a pirate girl! but one day she ends up waking up in the ungodly hours of the morning and goes to check up on rusty, poking her cheek to get her attention, and it just hits. thats skin! rusty is a friend! theyve always known that, but she never really thought about the whole robot thing too hard. and they end up asking about it. it doesnt go well, see above.

sails fixes her its okay :] like its not a perfect job but shes ok . sorry that was a long tangent

anyway YAYY HAPPIER STUFF UHM. i dont think it has a good singing voice. its very flat. not that the crew cares (once they properly warm up to each other at least)

the whole crew is family to me . rusty doesnt know the concept but it makes it feel warm. she thinks somethings wrong the first time it starts feeling like that

im a supporter of the flicky NOT being her power source theory (if it ends up being that you can ignore this part) so . sometimes she lets it out. its the crews parrot :]

idk this post is getting messy. im very sleepy ill just hit post now

also i made this ↓ feel free to use it

[lo-fag]

My dream last night: sci-fi themed, futuristic open-world game. You play as the staff of a famous hotel in the middle of a valley until earthquakes start to threaten your business. You take out to the valley to explore the source (idk why its you) you have a companion I can’t remember much about. Only that they don’t like to watch you kill and they have white hair and something they wear is pink.

Its open world (totk and botw style) and you explore lots of different areas with new enemies and npcs. There are rideable creatures that look like uhh ill draw something. The plot is that there is this incredibly powerful artifact called the Construct and someone is using it to bring dinosaurs back to life. They look different because they are wearing clothes from this era (long-sleeved white shirt, loose and tattered pink crop top over it, and denim shorts) and the dinosaurs they are bringing back are causing the earthquakes. I called her ‘Mi’ in the game.

The rideables are also dinosaurs, but they were too small and too nice to wreak havoc on the world. This is set in the distant future I think, where humanity has managed to create and depend on clean energy. There are abandoned power plants you can find that are filled with a special type of radiation energy monsters.

Also, the main character is a complete badass. One of the cutscenes I can remember, we just straight up walk up to this terrifying enemy (we don’t fight it!!!) and mock it while we move faster than it can swing. We end up beheading it with our epic sword.

I can remember two NPCs. One was called Anne-Marie, and she worked at the hotel we did, but she died (dinosaur attack I think). Her letter of resignation is a collectible in the game (even tho she never resigned).

The second NPCs was called Molly and we found her in a research station in the west. She helps us a lot, gives us some pretty vital equipment (grappling hook I think) but eventually betrays us. We don’t ever see her again after that. Its kinda up to the player’s interpretation. I reckon we killed her (we seem like the type). Her resignation letter has ‘some bitches lie’ scrawled over her name in red ink.

Oh and collectibles. They are everywhere in this game. You can get a letter of resignation from every person who dies/disappears in the game, each with different handwriting and messages I assume we put on it.

And customizations. They are everywhere. You can customize every part of you before you start the game, and you can change your features whenever you want. Armour=fully customizable. Weapon=fully customizable.

Hell, you can even customize what the Construct looks like. And each time you find something you can customize, the game pauses and the edges of the screen go a blurry blue, and a female voice says ‘tell me. What do you see?’

There are hints dropped throughout the game that this is, in fact, a game. In fact, one of Mi’s lines is ‘god, finally. Here’s you, exposing the goddamn truth.’

Also, the weapons. There are different classes (barbarian, ninja, knight, elven, hunter and I think a few more) which is very rpg but characters in the game reference these classes. Like the guy I talked about completely beating up in a cutscene even says before you behead him ‘running fast cant protect you from me. I have a barbarian-class scythe-‘ and then we chop his head off. But whatever.

Yeah. So that was my dream. You can probably romance characters in it, and idk what the companion does, but it was really cool in my head. Might do concept art if I can.

(this was the rideable)

[scattered-winter]

Say, what are some characters you feel like had a metric ton of potential that was completely scrapped by the writers?

i feel like it would be cheating if i said all of them so. ill try and be more specific lmao <3 i was gonna show restraint and only do a few but FUCK IT you're getting the entire essay

coran. i know he's meant to be the Comic Relief character but idk. its possible to have a comic relief character who also has gravity and emotion, ykw ??? like idk i feel like all the show/fandom ever talks about is how allura lost everything (which is TRUE. SHE DID. IM NOT TRYING TO MINIMIZE THAT AT ALL.) but idk. allura was young enough that she probably didn't really have an established life on altea yet but coran??? he was an adult. fully grown, probably had friends or coworkers, even a partner and family. idk idk he lost as much as if not more than allura did and the writers barely ever acknowledged it. he isn't allowed to connect with any of the characters or have any actual genuine moments because he's supposed to be The Funny One. idk if the writing actually aknowledged his grief and trauma more, but still made him so lighthearted and goofy, that would be FASCINATING. HE STILL HAS HOPE. HE CAN STILL LAUGH. ET CETERA. but noooo he's just Silly with nothing deeper to it. sigh

in that same vein, hunk. again, he's often comic relief (and that comic relief is usually a fat joke

lotor. ik a lot of ppl have mixed opinions on the guy (fair) but like. he had SO much potential to be so many different things but i think the writers just. had too many things they wanted him to be. so his writing was all over the place because they couldn't make up their minds

haggar......again. i had SUCH a hard time pinning down any of her motives or characterization when she was the Main Villain (which to be fair might have been due to the fact that i was Mentally Checked The Fuck Out by the time s7/s8 rolled around) but like ??? i still have no idea what she was trying to do as the main villain in s7/8. she was such a menacing villain in the first few seasons but then the writing got soo confusing and needlessly complicated and i completely lost interest in anything about her character

shiro. the fact that he went through So Much but still gave the blade of marmora enough hope to risk everything to rescue him and kickstart the events of s1 ??? the fact that he Continued to go through So Much but was still a rock for the team and was still goofy and fun and dorky and lovable ?????? and ALL THAT to not even be in the show for the next 5 or so seasons and then be permanently sidelined when he DOES come back. what the fuck. like they tried to have an atlas metaphor later on to try and bring him back into the narrative but it was MEANINGLESS. sooo much wasted potential. a narrative about healing....finding love + family + connection......ending the war that has caused so much pain for Him Personally......man. we could have had it ALL

keith. i legiterally don't even recognize keith after s3 like !!! who is this man !!!!! he had abandonment + anger issues from being alone his Whole Life and instead of finding a close-knit family in space, he was isolated again and again and again, and shoved into a role he didn't want and wasn't meant for, and by the end bro was UNRECOGNIZABLE. in theory i LOVE the concept of keith learning to rely on his team more and take more of a leadership role as he grows as a person + teammate, but they had the PERFECT opportunity to do that already with keith being red paladin!!!!!!!! the red paladin is voltron's right hand!!!!!!! if the black isn't there, then red steps up to take charge!!!!!! idk. it would have been so so so so cool if shiro was only missing Temporarily and keith had to work through his own grief/fear/etc and take up the mantle of red paladin to keep the team together just long enough until shiro got back because he would NOT want that shit long-term. idk. i know keith literally got most of the storylines and arcs in the show but i still think he had wasted potential because most of those arcs fundamentally misunderstood him as a character and turned him into something he wasn't. idk

allura. she lost her ENTIRE FAMILY her ENTIRE CULTURE her ENTIRE SPECIES and it doesn't stop there lol !!!! over the course of the show she lost LITERALLY EVERYTHING. the castle of lions (the last remnant of her home), her tiara thingie (last thing she had left of her family), AND her life. what the fuuuck what the fuck. EVEN WITH the other alteans w romelle's group, allura still got discarded. like idk. she grieved her whole people and tried so hard to lead this resistance and then after she's grown so much and become a powerful leader and warrior she becomes queen of new altea. that would have been SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

matt. he was alone in space for YEARS. like its unclear how long it was between shiro saving him from the arena and pidge finally finding him, but it was at LEAST a year, probably longer. he was a prisoner for most of that time, separated from the only two people he knew, and likely thinking they're both dead. no way to be rescued. no way to escape. and THEN when he IS rescued by the rebels, he's alone still because he's the only human!!! none of them can speak his language!!! he can't go home!!!! and ofc he fights the galra as part of the resistance and is this badass rebel leader but the show doesn't shed ANY light on how he got there. how he turned from nerdy little scientist to badass rebel leader in a space war. and just. idk. there was barely ANY matt screentime and there was so much wasted potential there

and i could keep going. i could have an essay for every single character. but alas i am sooo fucking sleepy so i must cap it here </3

[metallteeff]

my long gender post lol

idk how long it’ll actually be but like. god i’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “knowing since you were a kid” recently and for the longest time i thought i didn’t really know but recently i’ve remembered and realized to an extent i did know but in the vein of “who cares” and i guess i just always assumed everyone else felt the same. like i just thought everyone was like who cares, but ill just wear this thing because everyone else does.

and i used to be really nervous and somewhat afraid of bringing up my autism and other things in relation to my gender because so many people use it to discount and discredit your experience, especially when it’s brought up as a cause of you being trans. i’ve always been afraid of someone coming up to me and saying “you’re not trans you’re just autistic and confused” which would be a double punch for me.

but i’ve started realizing thinking that way as a kid, before i knew any words to describe myself other than “weird”, was me knowing i just thought everyone also felt like that. and i have that issue often. that i just assume everyone sees the same thing as me, and then thinking we all process that information the same because i just think that’s how brains work.

what makes me sad is you can’t even be “odd” anymore. if people just saw me as some really weird off the deep end “girl” still i wouldn’t really care. i really try not to care what others perceive me as in terms of gender because to me it’s “not their business”. but even just having really weird or unique clothes at this point can get you clocked or treated weird. and i mean this to point out how awful it is that if you just dress kind of “weird” there is a larger chance of you being hurt or turned away or ostracized.

now when you dress “odd” you immediately have an agenda. you have some sick disease or people roll your eyes when you’re around. and i’ve never understood this hateful lens of obsession people have with clothes. i love clothes i definitely have a clothes obsession but they have always been some form of a costume to me. because that’s what they are. you dress up how you’d like to look like in them. so if i have the ability to dress how i desire why wouldn’t i? and if i was a “girl” you would still look at me funny. if i was a “guy” you definitely would. and because i lie inbetween ill never be taken seriously and ill always have this large neon sign above my head that flashes “NONBINARY” which people hate. people get so mad.

over the years i’ve tried to become “tougher” through saying i’m more “reasonable” than other nonbinary people. i just wear t shirt and jeans and im just like you! im more masculine and im nonbinary but i will only use he him! but oh my god it’s wearing down on my soul. it’s grating. and i’m so upset that i made myself do this. for myself for others and im mad that it’s something i felt like i had to perpetuate to be “taken seriously”. being a person is the most unserious thing in the world.

i’m so tired of “gender roles” and i have been since i was 12 and saw others sharing this sentiment and im tired because its confusing. it doesn’t make sense even historically. when boys wore pink because its closer to red. but suddenly now it’s some omen that an “agenda got you”. i have never understood any of this so i’ve never participated but by doing that i was punished. and when i participated i was hurt worse. there’s no point in playing this made up game so why should i have to care im sorry i really don’t. i dont at all.

i’m not trying to make a big point or anything. i mean this as when i was a kid i had absolutely no concept of gender. and when i tried to it hurt me awfully bad. my parents themselves were not that strict with gender roles besides telling me what the world would expect but i could always do “boy” and “girl” things. i mean this as when i was a child i genuinely thought i was a boy because i would sex myself by counting my ribs to make sure i had 13 (…) and i “always did” (i was like 7 lol). i had no concept because lionesses do all the work and big blue peacocks are male. this shit is all stupid and it never made sense to me since i was a kid. and i don’t think it will ever be “because” of anything. people will always try to put a cause but i felt like this when my life was perfect and happy when i was 6 years old and i had no hardships. it felt like this when it got harder it felt like this when it got worse it feels like this now. there’s no point to this.

this is very very long but i have been nonstop thinking about it. i have always felt stuck in my gender identity because of the rules put on this stuff and im sooooo so so tired about it. i feel like ive come out 5000 times because i dont know what im supposed to be. i’ve tried hard to find labels and do them right over and over but god. and it’s not that i don’t identify or feel connected to being queer, i very much do, but to me (and especially at this point) i don’t feel connected to being the “alternative” because it doesn’t make any sense. but being queer and especially trans you get painted as the undesirable alternative. you become “what happens sometimes” and then they’ll try to explain it. give it reason. their parents weren’t the best. they have a gene or a mental disorder or illness. they’re autistic and confused. they have identity issues. they’ll grow out of it. but i’m soooo tired of having to have an explanation. oh my god. because no one else does and when you point it out they get mad and turn it on you.

i don’t really have a nice way to wrap this up. and this is not the 5001 coming out post. i’ve known i’m gender fluid for the past 2ish years. i know what i am. i’m queer. as in odd as in gay as in “alternative” as in shapeless as in confusing. i know who exactly i am by being an ever changing thing but that’s seen as being unstable and lost in yourself instead of curious or intrigued by others explorations. i am just sick of having to explain myself to cis people and having to be seen as a “good example” in every facet of my life, related and unrelated to this.

[jazzy-art-time]

I didn’t post about it on my mod blog because I didn’t want to dampen the spirits that everyone else was having but I’ll mention things.. briefly here before the year ends.

If you just follow me for art then you prolly wont know what I’m sayin!! Carry on soldier. I will post more art again soon, it’s just time for me to post a long text post that prolly 90% of the people here wont know wtf I’m on about!!

Putting under the cut to avoid long post/put that negative crap under wraps

This year was horrid for me. In many ways but.

The entire thing with the stalker/doxxer went.. a lot deeper than people realize it was. That’s due to me just not mentioning what happened directly but It wasn’t just hate and harassment and doxxing it was..

Abhorrent. I’ll spare the nitty gritty details, to be Frank idk what good it would do to mention it all.

But even so, I was not the best person this year due to this.

I became irrational and paranoid. I left places suddenly without a word (or was being told to and did so out of fear). I stopped talking to a lot of people and became more of a concept than a person to many. Got snappy and bitter a lot of the time as well. Just overall became afraid of everyone and didn’t trust anyone at all and it made me someone I didn’t want to be.

Regardless of the situation I was going through, I shouldn’t have acted in a lot of ways I did. I can play the “I was being abused so wehh it’s ok how I acted” card all I want but the reality is.. it wasn’t really cool of me. I’m a grown adult, I’ll own up to that.

And I know I caused a lot of people worry by my sudden disappearances or mood changes. I was too focused on trying to protect myself and those I cared about that I became a bit?? Of a prick. And honestly I feel like I caused more damaged trying to “protect” other people from the situation. Irony is a cruel mistress.

I let someone else get too much control over me and my actions and let them use my own mental illness against me and make me somewhat nasty.

But it wasn’t right of me, no matter the circumstance.

But it’s all over now! All over now… for now anyways. But I still have to look at the mess left in the wake of everything and try to reassemble what I can.

So, if you were someone who was effected by my irrational and erratic behavior.. I do apologize. Idk what real “good” me saying that does.. but I don’t want to just not say anything at all.

I’m not saying all this as a like NYEHEHE IVE APOLOGIZED AND NOW I EXPECT EVERYTHING TO RETURN TO NORMAL that’s not what’s happening trust me lol. This is just my own guilt welling up a bit and me chucking it out into the world for the time being

I’ve been drafting and deleting a post like this all week because I didn’t want to go into a new year just brushing everything aside. But kept wondering what good it would even do or who would even give a shit.

But. Here is this post! It exists, for now! Who knows I may wake up tomorrow and go WTF NO and delete outta paranoia. Idk!

All in all…

I’m going to spend 2024 trying to rebuild myself. I haven’t been.. myself in nearly 2 years due to everything (and IRL circumstances as well that I won’t get into).

I have a better support now. So that helps me and has been helping me get better again. Not just in recovery and help with legal things but like. Just emotionally keeping me in check lmao

So I hope in 2024, things will be better. If not for me, then for others at the very least.

I know this post was long and negative and repetitive, but if I spend too long revising it I’ll just delete it again.

Idk if anyone will actually read this but??? Shrugs. Oh well. If anything I’m being selfish and just posting this for my own personal “”closure”” if you will

Happy new years, see you all around.

[sunflowerandstrawberryspice]

Who is showing this "kids show" to their child

(Warning sort of spoilers ahead for Lego Monkie Kid and Ninjago)

I'm here back at it again with another hyper fixation and once again it is a lego show made for children, though honestly I hesitate to say that because seriously who is showing their little child things like Ninjago and LMK (Lego Monkie Kid you should totally watch it if you haven't already).

Now me and my mother have discussed this in detail with her argument being "Well they're kids so they don't gully grasp what's going on, maybe?" and number 1) kids are WAY more perceptive than we give them credit for and 2) EVEN A CHILD WOULD BE SCARED SHITLESS WATCHING SOME OF THIS

Like Ninjago actively ahs sacrificial rituals, genocide and other concepts that are pretty morbid if you think about them too hard, and even visually Ninjago has managed to create some creatures that child me would not want to be having nightmares about! Like come on the end of season five would have ruined me! (Actually that's probably not true since I liked scary stuff even as a kid, but my friend who actually did watch the show as a young boy said that the season 3 ending fucked him up a little)

Now that's not even mentioning LMK, which OH BOY! So I have to watch it on this literal children's app because finding places to watch LMK in the US is really hard, but this app labels it as and I quote: For Boys ages 6-9. 1) I am neither a boy nor ages 6-9 I am a girl and well into my teens funnily enough and 2) WHO THE FUCK IS LETTING THEIR 6-9 YEARO OLD WATCH THIS SHIT? LIKE SEASON 2 AND ONWARD WOULD BE STRAIGH UP TRAUMATIC!

Like that's barely two and I still think it's enough to ask who the hell is showing their children LMK cause like REALLY? Like genuinely actually who is showing their child (and this is an incomplete list): Murder, PTSD (Sandy's flash backs), just Macaque in general (because while I adore him now young me would have been like HELL TO THE NO), Lady Bone demon in general cause lord she was able to give me chills, the mayor who probably isn't actually the mayor, THE SEASON FOUR INK MONSTERS ARE FUCKING NIGHMARE FUEL!

Like seriously these show can get creepy as hell and there are multiple cannon deaths (obviously for Ninjago that doesn't stick very long but nonetheless) and honestly I want to meet a child who genuinely watched LMK at the suggested age cause like I guarantee unless they're a little adrenaline and fear junkie like I was they're not doing to hot rn lol.

Anyway sorry I haven't been posting much recently, currently I'm having some pretty severe pain in both of my hands so doing pretty much any drawing is really hard a physically taxing + the sickly Victorian child curse took hold again and I'm once again violently ill and now I won't get to see one of my best friends who's going out of country :(

I should hopefully at least be getting SOME (maybe one or two) pieces out for pride (since I am in fact a homoromantic) but idk how much I can promise due to my hands and current status as Sickly Victorian Child, but on the bright side I'm out of school T-T. Thanks for reading!

[theaterofpain]

thinking about art a bit (as i always do... lol)

like... im kind of in the middle of like the perfect storm of being upset with my art. all the random ideas and inspiration i used to get frequently have fizzled up for reasons unclear (the classic Art Block) my different chronic pains make it so sitting down and drawing is painful and timeconsuming, external validation is unreliable due to social anxiety, i dont have the huge swaths of free time like i used to yadda yadda... but im still constantly on an undercurrent of like this primal "if i dont make art ill Die" urge

anyway all that is to say like. ive gotten kind of addicted to mspaint mouse drawings. cause like, every line i make just has a base nature of looking shitty. and every shape ends up way weirder than in my head. it has zero qol features. and how much i can improve things is limited not only my sense of how long im taking but also by like increasing pain lmao... its like all the ingredients of making me get really depressed are all right there. but when i still enjoy it and i still like what i drew despite how it looks bad and is not at all an inspired or interesting concept or even what my idea of what "art that i want to make" looks like, it somehow feels so great like damn i could get depressed at this and i have before but im not. its stupid and ugly but i like how i did x and y and drawing it was kinda fun. if i post it i get 0 notes or like 2 notes max but still just the act of posting art i made online is kinda fun on its own too. sooo yeah idk... its a bit freeing for me i think

thanks for reading my little chat......

[woopeee]

like. like. majormoon yaoi anon once again hiiii

but like. like. where do i even start, ive explained this ship so many times to sm ppl. its hard to keep track of where the start of the explanation would be-

Imma start by covering up Life Series concepts here... will get into Empires and a funny AU i have later on... NOTE: i JUST realized seasons go autumn -> winter not winter -> autumn, so lets just imagine either its the other way around for some reason or maybe the games happen across different years or the watchers use time shenanigans n stuff IDK!!

Last Life: cottagecore queers. they started as friends, sure, they're best friends, but best friends who kiss, hold hands, cuddle together, cook together, stick to eachother like glue istg. AND I REPEAT !! KISS!! SURE SMALL PECKS BUT THATS NOT VERY FRIEND LIKE !! ive read many queerplatonic galaxy duo fanfics, but i think they're just romantically crushing on eachother and w time their relationship quickly escalated and neither of them wants to ask the big "what are we?" question. (plus, I hc every season of the series happens in a different season of the year, maybe in different years?? idk cause i didnt count for 3rd life but i dont think it would count as spring... ANYWAYS Last Life happens in Summer, for angst purposes)

Double Life: I don't wanna talk too much abt their relationship in DL cus it makes me so mentally ill, reminds me of sum personal lore in my life I wont get into, but I still love em. I hc soulmates have some shared features w their soulmates, different for everyone, like these two have the ends of their hair the color of the others hair. after the "divorce" Pearl tried to cut off that teal part but the ends just gew upwards, like the teal part just appeared in his new ends when moon cut off the old ones, so at the end he just used red dye to dye em red. Also I feel like they lowkey miss eachother even if both are too stubborn to talk to eachother and at least try to fix things. (winter. winter freezes. often killing all that in summer grew green)

Limited Life: Oh hoh ho... the drama is back but the toxicity is gone. frienemies, exes, a bit petty still but can joke about it for a lil, have forgiven eachother but at times still feel resentment. they live very far away, yet when they interact in person, if things are 1o1 and there isnt any of their allies nearby, gosh can the tension be cut with a knife. not only tension in the way or anger, but sometimes just being awkward around eachother, sometimes homosexual tension, sometimes homoerotic tension- (half joke, i wont talk abt nsfw stuff but theyre adults). They stare at eachother from across the room thinking either "i wanna punch you so bad" or "i would so go and kiss you right here right now", or both. However theyre still fairly friendly, its not the same as *Our Last Summer*, since they'll maybe pull petty pranks on eachother, specially the Nosy Neighbors on Mean Gills, with Pearl mostly having Scott's ever so slightly upset reaction, if even to get a groan or frown from him, tho he doesnt hate her anymore, its not like winter, thats in the past. Autumn comes and makes leafs fall... it gets rid of the dead waste of what winter killed, preparing for Spring...

Secret Life: ... for a new beginning. Spring comes along, a new, more lighthearted game at the start. After going through so much stuff together, everything they've overcome, "That's in the past" "It was a one time thing?" "Yeah, yeah" "Well, I'm glad we agree... glad we can move past that". And they start again, blank page, althrough clearly stained by past moments, they can look back at them fondly and joke around about it without hard feelings. Not only that, but they finally make up their minds, both of them get their shit together and can finally label their relationship, make it official... tho whats a game about secrets without some secrets of their own? So at first, with a bit of fear of what their allies would say, but also just in a way to keep privacy and get a laugh out of others confusions, they meet up in secret. Secret meetings at night or when their allies are out, whispering to eachother and giving eachother accomplice looks, finding hiden spots to sit down and talk. They're plenty suspicious in plain sight, but with all the reasons there could be for them to be hiding something? Maybe theyre up to no good! Maybe they're plotting destruction! Maybe its got to do with their tasks! Yeah, it drives the yellows mad in particular, trying to guess their tasks just to be told it couldnt be further from correct or that they already complited theirs. Now some participants are a bit oblivious, but others can put 2 and 2 together pretty quickly... they'd keep their mouths shut tho, cause seeing the others lose their mind trying to uncover their "plans" is quite the funny sight. Maybe some would get a push like a little knudge from Cleo "They're dating, Bdubs" "... OHHHH, SO THATS WHY". The Roomies all know for sure, Impulse suspects, to Gem and the Mounders it never crossed their minds, unsure about others tbh but thats what I know for sure. But yeah! Maybe at first they'd have a "Bad Idea" (from Waitress) moment, tho that song also could fit an ""afair"" in LimL from what ive talked with a friend, but yeah. They're destined to die anyways, since the finale means only one can win, and that winner is neither of them, but they'll meet in the next game. Tilly next time. Or, Tilly death does them part...

... except not, cause not even death can do that, cause they are able to find eachother in every single universe, no matter the circumstances, even if their situation isnt ideal in some, they're always together, in one way or another. MajorMoon yaoi anon dropping the anon. Shameless Scottearl posting today!! Let's go rom Galaxy Duo Truthers!!!

Youre getting your own tag /silly

[egirlgarak]

@annahamiltonsstuff asked a while back if I could post about my little Franz playlist, so here we are! thanks for asking, I had fun streamlining and annotating :3c it’s all under the cut, but you can listen here :]

Burning of the Midnight Lamp - Jimi Hendrix

The morning is dead, and the day is too There's nothing left here to lead me but the velvet moon All my loneliness I have felt today It's a little more than enough to make a man throw himself away And I continue to burn the Midnight Lamp, alone

Jimi song about being a lonely insomniac? yeah, sure. that's for franz.

Asleep in the Deep - Mastodon

The moment you walked in the room my friend The demons, they all went away Be careful they're only asleep for a while Pretending there's nothing to say. Throw salt in all the corners here Make sure you watch him leave

i think several people have come into franz’s life, stayed just long enough to shine their light on him, just long enough for him to wonder what his life could be. gave him just enough of their time for him to envision a man he could and would never be. and in the end, they leave. every time. some by choice (laura, carlo, mikesch- though i think franz was the one to leave mikesch that summer decades ago, too afraid of his own bisexuality), others not (Im Freien Fall, Am Endes des Flurs). so, yes, people come, they help put his fears to rest, and then they leave and franz is alone again with memories of these people he’s loved and the fear that he’s never been enough and he’ll always be alone.

Every Planet We Reach Is Dead - Gorillaz

When we go down For all the sacred selfless days Only left with heartache I want to see you again I love you But what are we going to do?

but the person who’s been by his side the whole time? the one he thought he could trust to the end? he doesn’t even have that. Der Tod ist unser ganzes Leben is such a delicious heartbreak of an episode with how distant Franz and Ivo are from each other. All Franz wants to do is protect Ivo because he trusts him. but then Ivo turns around and lies to his face and Franz, again, is left to wonder what the last twenty years have meant.

Veteran of the Psychic Wars - Blue Öyster Cult

You see me now, a veteran of a thousand psychic wars My energy's spent at last and my armor is destroyed I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved Wounds are all I'm made of

idk man, boy’s got trauma, what else is there to say.

Capsize - The Low Blow

Blood on my hands I'm a lonely man So afraid of the lovers I seek For I'm dancing in a burning field Of these love letters I'll never speak (…) Tears on my cheek don't make me weak Nor does loving the beautiful Cause I'm stronger than hell when I'm looking at you

ok, see. i think franz has hardened as he’s aged, but at his core I do think he’s quite gentle (specifically envisioning crying Franz in Blutiger Asphalt & Frau Bu Lacht) and, really, how else can he cope with the loss he’s experienced in his life than by protecting himself from everything else. so for all the pain and suffering franz has gone through, there is something genuinely beautiful about the love franz and ivo share, and i think a lot of franz’s strength comes from loving and being loved by ivo.

Love Hurts - Incubus

Love hurts But sometimes it's a good hurt And it feels like I'm alive Love sings When it transcends the bad things Have a heart and try me 'Cause without love, I won't survive

see again: the concept of being a broken man coming to terms with loving and being loved, even amidst your mental illnesses

Hurt - Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today To see if I still feel,  (…) Everyone I know Goes away in the end

would love to just copy paste the whole ass song in here. i won’t. but it’s a franz song. [see: die Wahrheit & also every other Franz and the No Good Very Bad day episode]

I Am All I Got - The Dead Brothers

I remember the day When I cried out for help No one came running And that′s when I first knew I am all I got!

two songs that wouldnt apply to franz if he would just either: a) go to therapy b) go to bed c) go let ivo spoon him (ideally all of the above, but i’ll settle for even just one. please franzl. we can’t keep doing this)

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse Out of the corner of my eye I turned to look, but it was gone I cannot put my finger on it now The child is grown, the dream is gone I have become comfortably numb

We all already know that Franz’s massive daddy issues are the root of most of his woes and sorrows, right? His abusive father played a fundamental role in how he learned to navigate the world around him. i think this is less canon and more the effects of @weidli’s word weaving but the concept of franz, as a little boy, doing everything he can to be worthy of his father’s affection, only for the man to turn around with a scowl on his face and a belt in his hands? no child deserves that. no one would come out of that undamaged. then 40 years down the line this same man commits assisted suicide without saying goodbye (Außer Gefecht) and now Franz is left wondering if there was ever any love there.

But it’s okay! Franz has a coping mechanism. It’s called Depression.

[approximately-174-gremlins]

hello!! I have way too many books and the amount of money in my bank account is quickly shrinking, but are you reading any really good books right now? or any you’ve read that you would recommend to me?

If you are looking for a indepth series that will make you cry so much the storm light archive by Brandon Sanderson is very good

It is an epic fantasy so be warned you will have to trudge through a lot of indepth world building the first book is very thick

It has a really in depth magic system and lots of very complex characters and if you feel like you will never live up to your dad's expectations no matter what you do then you will find lots of relatable characters lol

Warning for lots of characters who are mentally ill and some suicidal ideation as well as alcohol addiction, the book focuses on the concept of magic powers coming to people who are extremely mentally ill and as such there are very few mentally healthy main characters

Also it is so far 4 very large books with the 5th one coming out soon so warning on incomplete series cause there will prolly be 10 of them

If you are going for a more fan fic esc vibe I recently finished red white and royal blue, it is an enemies to lovers between the son of the US president and the prince of England

The main characters are dumb, they are in thier idk early 20s or so, so it makes sense that they are dumb, but they are very stupid

It has it all honestly, Draco malfoy levels of obsession, banter, fake friends to real friends to oh shit he is hot, gay awakenings and dealing with family members who would prefer you stay closeted, very gay main characters who are fs fucking but the main character is too busy being a perfectionist to notice it has a happy ending too so that is nice

there is also a movie on prime about it but I heard it is pretty straight washed for a gay romance

I know this has been going around Tumblr but honestly Dracula is such a fun read thr beginning has a mix of horror and almost gay rom com if you loon at it right cause Dracula keeping up the pretense that there is house staff and speed cleaning and cooking as well as his lizard climbing and tucking Jonathan into bed were all delightful to me but also the terror of being trapped and controlled and isolated is mixed in

We then take an incredible hard turn and meet the suitors and Lucy and it is very cute but still we are dealing with Dracula, there is an actual honest to God Texas cow boy and I love him so much

Along those lines Frankenstein is very good if you are looking for a book that plays with humanity, what makes a monster, and playing god

If you want one that is Frankenstein but with lesbians and is super sick for a post Frankenstein read The Dark Decent of Elizabeth Frankenstein is very very good

If you are looking for a mystery, And Then There Were None is very good, it is your typical there are only 10 people on this island and suddenly people start dying, who is doing it

Agatha Christi is a very good mystery writer and if you want some of her detective stories, her detective Hercule Poirot is a very charming little Belgian man who has lots of personality and can respect women

Anyway this has gotten far too long so I hope this helps

[noxiatoxia]

even as a small kid i felt like i didnt belong in this world. not in qn edgy way either but genuinely in a "i was born in the wrong lifetime" sort of thing. and then as i got older i got obsessed with the idea of stories and characters and people that were fixated on suicide from the moment they were born or people who never felt like they should have been brought into society or be human. i got obsessed with stories about unconventional means of happiness and love and living. ways of living life or being happy that most people would be perplexed at, i found comfort in those sort of stories, because i felt it was the closest id ever get to feeling like i belonged.

noww not to say i DONT like living. in fact i do. i have fun & despite all the bullshit in my life i do not want to end it all or w/e. i can have fun and be happy but that does not change the fact it all feels like a lie to others. hanging out with friends and talking to family feels like an eternal game im playing, never actually connecting with anyone or anything. and thats fine, bc its still fun and i still have fun, but living life day to day feels as real and sincere as a video game. i could play games for hours, get immersed and invested in them, fall in love with those pixels on the screen and cry at the story, but theyre still made up lives inside a digital world at the end of the day. thats what my life feels like. a very very fun video game! but its all shallow anyways. idk if that really bothers me exactly. i do often times find myself yerning for that place i belong that ive dreamt of before i could even read. as an abstract concept, one with the earth, or somewhere in the atmosphere, in space, dunno. i know ill never find it in this lifetime, and thats fine, as long as i can have fun and adventurw right now. and then when i die, i hope i can find where i truly fit in, and what my soul truly was meant to be.

i could go on abt how its likely this is a big reason i project myself through media and rely on it heavily to express myself, since im not really myself in real life, dont really have a being in real life, so i can pour my base desires and wishes into a fictional world where it all makes senae to me. and i could also acknowledge that i might be a bit mentally unwell, but if i have felt this way my whole life, perhaps this is just who i am. as ive always felt, some people simply are not destined to be human or to be alive. what some people want or how thwy feel cannot be changed through reprogramming or drugs. they are "lost causes", those who want nothing more than to dedicate their lives to killing, to killing themselves, to drugs, to living in the woods, to living with wolves. their happiness and desires are unconventional and perhaps can never be changed. maybe theyre "broken", but theres a lot of them out there, and i feel a connection with them. we get one life, lets live it how we want, theres so much more outside of this constructed society. normal is weird and weird is normal. for me, ill just wait.