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utterdisaster1 · 11 months ago

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Year One

Pairing: Sirius Black x male!reader So after this, we're going straight into pining, romance, teenager phase. There will be a time skip, I think 5th year. TW: mentions of food and eating, mentions of bullying and homophobia, the f-slur and related terms (not in the magical world though). Use of Y/N.

After, more or less arduous journey to London, which gave you plenty of time to ponder why some professor couldn't just come and apparate you to the castle, like Professor McGonnagal did to Diagon Alley, you finally found yourself at the King's Cross.

You didn't know how to feel about being instructed to "run through the wall of the third archway". On one hand, you were certain Professor McGonagall wouldn't play a practical joke on you, but on the other, she would be the perfect person to fool someone, because who would expect a prank from her?

Your parents weren't of much help either. A parent rather, your father couldn't take the time off. Clearly, there is a difference between acknonwledgement and acceptance, one you hadn't picked up on during the Professor's initial visit. Neither of them wanted to talk about it much.

Whether it was your recount of the trip to Diagon Alley or things you had read in books up until that point, of which you bought much more than expected, they would say, "It's not like it applies to us, honey. Let's go an a walk or let's watch some telly".

At Professor's querying look when you came up with a giant stack of books, you just said, "When one doesn't know anything, there's everything to learn." And you very much intended to know everything.

I mean, it's magic. Not tricks one may see at some fair or circus, but an actual power to change reality as you see it. How could you be satisfied with just the bare minimum profficiency in the first-year curriculum?

The possesion of magic was enough to make the normal world seem bleak in comparison. But what also sparked your interest was when you saw two women walking hand in hand in the Alley, clearly having an amorous conversation. At your look, which you hoped didn't give the wrong impression, the Professor said "The wizarding people don't concern themselves with notions of sexual preferences nearly as much as many muggles do. Relationships between people of the same sex are treated exactly as those between the opposite sex. We see no difference."

When you heard that, you wanted to cry. Could you have grown up like that? Without people calling you a faggot or a poof. Not that you ever expressed any interest in a boy openly. There were one or two small, innocent crushes, when simply being around them made butterflies fly in your stomach, but you never told anyone. You couldn't.

It wasn't that long ago that they decriminalised homosexuality, after all. You were six when they legalised it. The first time you were beaten up for "your poofness" you were five.

And again, it's not like you made any advances on another boy. It was either your face "looking gay", your weird behaviour, or maybe being one of the smaller kids in your year, and the slurs were just added in for further humiliation.

But now you were going somewhere where it wouldn't matter. So crashing into a pillar wasn't a bad price to pay for that. After one more look at your mum, you ran into the wall.

Fortunately you didn't crash. After a quick sensation you couldn't quite describe, you found yourself on a lively platform filled with eccentrically dressed people, similar to how they dressed in Diagon Alley. There was also a bright red steam locomotive: with "Hogwarts Express" engraved on the front of it. Everything was just magnificent.

You didn't even register your mum appearing next to you. But after a moment of silent awe, you pulled yourself together and went on. Seeing some kids with carts full of suitcases you were glad that Professor McGonagall had recommended buying a single trunk with extension charms on it. It barely weighed anything, which was a very significant advantage as well.

You wished you had gotten a heartfelt goodbye, but your mum seemed more overwhelmed by her surroundings than by the fact the soonest she would see you would be in three months. Maybe she still hadn't registered the fact.

Still, your hug was returned, and got you a kiss on your forehead, along with a "Stay safe and behave", before boarding the train.

You entered the first empty compartment you found. You were quite convinced you didn't want to intrude on a group of already existing friends, or worse, possible bullies. You quickly sat down and took out your book on protective charms and enchantments.

Seeing that you now actually had an opportunity to practice the spells, you immediately immersed yourself in training, your breath hitching every time you saw your wand actually perform the spell. You didn't even notice the train taking off.

But you did register being interrupted by two kids, first-years by the looks of it. One had dark red hair, startingly green eyes, and freckles on her pale skin. The other was a scrawny boy with greasy, shoulder-length hair and a scowl on his face. He clearly wanted to go further down the cart, but the girl said "Come one Severus, it's the first one that isn't full," and soon enough turned to you. "Hi, my name is Lily Evans, and this is Severus Snape. Could we join you?"

You simply nodded and said 'Y/N L/N', with your thoughts more focused on why the notice-me-not charm you had placed earlier had stopped working on your compartment door.

The girl continued, "You wouldn't believe what sort of buffoons we met earlier. So self-conceited and arrogant... I mean, why would you insult a stranger you've barely met!? I'll pray not to end up in the same house as either of them!"

"Well, I'm sorry that happened to you" you said quietly.

The boy hadn't said anything yet, but he did sit down next to the Evans girl, so you assumed they were both going to stay. At some point, she started talking about phones, or rather how much more convenient it would be if they just installed some phone booths outside so she could call her family instead of sending letters by owl.

"Yeah, I wondered the same thing," you interjeccted and silently added "Not that they would get what I'm talking about anyway; they seem weirded out by anything that has to do with the school."

"My sister's weirded out too," she responded with a tone that seemed to imply some deeper emotions. But she quickly asked "Are you from a normal- I mean, Muggle family too?"

"Yeah," you replied. "I assume you are as well"

The boy gave you a sharp look, apparently displeased with the attention you were receiving, and said, "Congratulations on stating the obvious"

"That's rude, Severus" Lily said.

He huffed but didn't say anything further, though whenever she wasn't looking, he would send you a glare, sometimes accompanied by a sneer.

Despite the shadow of despair that the boy seemed to be, you connected well with Lily. Being Muggle-borns, there were many experiences you shared, as well as a particular interest in the subject of Charms. You both received a visit from Professor McGonagall and quite agreed that you wouldn't want to do anything to incur her ire.

When the train finally arrived at Hogsmeade Station, things moved quickly. One moment you were on the platform, then, sooner than you realised, you were sailing on a boat to the castle. The castle was gorgeous and took the breath away from most, if not all, first-years present.

Then you were guided by the Headmistress towards a waiting chamber, given a speech about the houses, responsibility and consequences, and a few minutes later, you entered the Great Hall.

You wondered if you had any lungs left, considering how many times it seemed you could barely breathe that day.

The Hall could only be described as grandiose. "Impressive" or "grand" really wouldn't do justice to the beauty of your surroundings.

After listening to a song from a battered hat, it was time for the sorting. When your turn came, you quickly went up the stairs and put the hat on.

Interesting. Very interesting. So many qualities. A strong desire to learn, an abundance of curiosity. But I see there's something you want even more. To belong. To find people who will stand with you, not against you. And there's protectiveness as well. You're willing to fight for those you love, for what you believe is right. I think I know... Better be...GRYFFINDOR!!!

You were quite surprised, but not disappointed. They seemed like a nice group to be a part of.

You sat down next to a blonde-haired girl, and she quickly introduced herself. "Marlene McKinnon, nice to meet you"

"Y/N L/N, nice to meet you too," you responded.

After the sorting was done, and everyone was free to talk and eat as much as they wanted, you had more opportunities to get to know your housemates.

You already knew Lily, and by the stink eye she was giving two particular boys, you assumed they were the "buffoons" she mentioned earlier. One of them, with unruly dark hair, glasses, and a very loud voice, you learned, was James Potter. The other, with aristocratic looks, high cheekbones, a little haughy look that was tempered by a smile, and grey eyes that seemed to glimmer like stones underwater in sunlight, was Sirius Black.

You knew they would be trouble after their description from Lily. But what you didn't expect were the butterflies you felt in your stomach when Sirius turned to you, introducing himself and exchanging a brief conversation.

No. You were not going to be saddled with a crush on your dormmate. Not possible. And on your first day already. It had been going so well. You remembered the mess you were around the boy in your year 5 at your previous school, the simultaneous pull to him mixed with a fear of him noticing.

It will pass. You will make it pass. I mean, you barely knew him. If you can make an animal from a pebble, there must be a spell to just get rid of such a miniscule thing as a crush. There must be.

______________________________________________________________

Weeks passed, and you had not found the spell. But you didn't really need to. You were only 11 years old, after all; the hormonal storm was yet to come, so it wasn't that hard to fucus on other matters with the abundance of things to do.

Schoolwork was the primary focus. You had read up on a lot before the term started, but there was still so much more. Potions, the particular bane of your existence, was what you had to work on the most. Any wand-work came to you naturally, often earning praise and acknowledgement from your professors. History of Magic was a good time to take a nap, you had neutral feelings towards Herbology, and Astronomy, despite the late hour, was wonderful in its own right.

Another thing taking up your time was dealing with the prejudiced, fascist vipers from Slytherin House. Apparently, being a Gryffindor and a mudblood made you a favourable target. It was a good thing you had experience with bullies and that you instinctivelly picked up books on protection spells first. Apparently, a succesful protego performed by a first-year was a rare occurence, so they hadn't expected it. And living with James Potter also gave you access to books on hexes more than effective for fighting back.

What allowed you to resist the most, though, was what the hat had predicted for you. You and your dormmates quickly became close - mischief being both a bonding experience and something too fun to resist.

James Potter would have become your friend even if you had resisted with all your might. The boy had a certain pull to him. He was like the shining sun - whenever he walked into a room, he managed to capture everyone's attention. He was friendly to you from the get-go, but it was the moment he witnessed you repel a hex sent at the two of you with ease that you truly gained his attention and admiration. His curiosity turned towards protectiveness, which quickly developed into a genuine friendship that you would never think of rejecting.

Remus Lupin was quiet and subdued. He had an air of fear and shyness around him that you could relate to. It was palpable he was trying to keep his distance from all four of you. You didn't have the flair of James Potter, but after one serendipitious meeting in the library followed by a shared study session, it became a regular occurence. You were inviting and never pushed him beyond what he was willing to share, and over time, a clear fondness developed between you both.

Peter Pettigrew came as a package deal with James, really. Usually content to listen and nod along, it took you a while to actually get to know him. Surprisingly, it was chess that allowed you two to actually develop a friendship. He was shockingly good and practically pulverised you in most cases, but the time you spent together allowed you to get to know each other, and over time, you didn't need James to have something to talk about.

And then there was Sirius Black. In the dorm, he was everything - funny, teasing and entertaining. But whenever you left the dorm, he would be at the farthest distance possible away from you. You understood why. The howlers he received left no doubt as to his family's stance on blood purity and status. To them, you were the lowest of scum, sullying the earth you dared to step on. And with serpent eyes tracking his every move, particularly from a girl with a perpetual look of distaste, it was clear that his parents were being informed about all his activities in detail.

Now, when it came to your feelings, you spent one evening pondering on them and came to a conclusion - you appreciated his appearance, there was no doubt about that. He was pretty, and it was pleasant to look at him, like it's pleasant to look at art too; there's nothing abnormal about that. He was a friend, even if a concealed one. Being his friend felt nice, much nicer than having a crush.

Living with him helped you get used to his presence, and soon there was no fluttering in your stomach or slight blush on your cheeks whenever you talked with him. You were a kid, romantic feelings were easily avoidable and fickle if present in the first place.

Together, you and the other Gryffindor first-year boys created a force to be reckoned with.

Of course, the scope of your abilities was limited. There are only so many spells, potions and schemes an 11-year-old minds are capable of. But with each prank, your drive to outdo the previous one pushed you further.

All that however, made things with your other friend - Lily Evans, difficult. You cared for her friendship. You two could relate with each other in ways you couldn't with any of the boys. None of them were Muggle-borns; the closest relation was Remus's mum, who was a Muggle-born herself. There was also Mary Macdonald in Gryffindor, but she was definitely not in a place where she was ready to befriend a boy, much to your dismay, because she seemed like great fun.

So, you tried to balance things with Lily and swore to try to sway the boys away from Snape. And you did try, but it was quite difficult.

He was a git. No other way to put it. Well, there's many other ways to put it actually - unpleasant, greasy, rude, strident, oily - many adjectives, none of which were appreciated by Lily.

The only friend of yours she tolerated was Remus. So, you made it a point to include her in your study sessions.

Remus was uncertain at first. But Lily was nice, and after offering him a bar of chocolate to share (in secret from madam Pince, of course), he gave her a chance and gradually got used to her presence. He even started engaging with her in discussions about literature, a shared interest. Over time, he even started to show his more cheeky side, with friendly banter developed between the three of you.

The other thing about Remus was his secret he went to great lengths to hide. Maybe, if it had been just you living with him, he might have managed to conceal it for longer. After all, werewolves were not high on your list of priorities to research. But with three magically-raised boys present, after the February full moon, there was no denying it. When the four of you discussed it in your dorm, having casted all sorts of silencing and privacy charms while Remus was recovering in the infirmary, the other three seemed startled, each on some level. Peter was outright freaked out, James was jittery, and Sirius was at a loss for words—a concerning sign, given that his voice was usually constant unless he was sleeping, and sometimes not even then.

You suspected it the least, and yet, reacted the calmest. And for someone who claimed he knew since november, James seemed really torn about what to do next.

It wasn't a matter of sticking by Remus - well maybe a little for Peter - but overall, the challenge was dealing with the whole ordeal. "How do we tell him we know? How do we help him? Should we tell him anything?"

You settled on subtlety. The plan was simple: mention the subject "casually", show support, and then quickly move on to a different topic. Simple.

But Remus was way too smart, and soon enough, he began retreating from you. You started catching him sleeping in the common room and could barely get a word in between classes, as he somehow always had a place to be or homework to do. So you had to take extreme measures.

One day, after letting him avoid all four of you, you waited until he returned to the dorm to take a shower. You went in while he was in the bathroom, locked the door, again casted all known privacy and silencing charms and waited to ambush him with support and love.

So that's what you did. The moment he exited the bathroom and saw all four of you, he knew what it was about. He went to the door, but it wouldn't budge, and you made sure a simple alohomora would not even make the lock stir.

That evening involved a lot of screaming, tears, crying and finally, hugs.

"S- So, you- you really- you don't mind? I'm a monster" he said, with tears streaming down to the floor.

"Of course we don't Rem. You're our friend." said James.

At that he only cried more. James hugged him first, followed by the rest of you. Ultimatelly, you all woke up with back pain from sleeping huddled up together on the floor, but closer than ever.

______________________________________________________________

The Christmas and Easter holidays you spent back home were uneventful. You were asked if you were doing well at school, and upon affirming, you were not pressed further. You didn’t even get the chance to talk about how Professor McGonagall had called you a prodigy, or how you had successfully cast some NEWT-level charms already. Nothing about your victories in the school dueling club. You didn’t get to complain about Potions or History. You were told to stick with the story your parents had concocted while you were away—that you were attending a boarding school in Scotland and that there was nothing special about it.

Your time at home only made you realise how little at home you actually felt. The forest was your reprieve. Beatrice the doe was always friendlier in the winter, knowing you'd have some extra carrots or other snacks for her. Nature didn't judge you, didn't silence you. You were in perfect symbiosis with it. You respected it and received respect in return.

So, it was no surprise that the last week of the school year was one of your worst. You wouldn’t see any of your friends over the holidays and didn’t have any friends to return to. You wouldn’t be able to talk with anybody about school, the latest issue of Transfiguration Today, or about Hippogriffs and Bowtruckles.

You could only cling to hope that the letters you all promised to send each other would be enough, or that they would at least pick your mood up a little bit.

The day before the ride back, you were sitting alone by the Black Lake, right next to the Forbidden Forest, where you knew no one ventured for fear of being kidnapped by centaurs or acromantulas. But that day, you heard a twig snap behind you and saw Sirius standing there.

Your sulking hadn’t made you blind to your surroundings. He clearly was doing even worse than you, and from his sparse stories about his home life, you knew why.

Neither of you said anything. He simply sat next to you, leaning against the same tree, and took your hand. You stayed there together until the sunset.

When you stood up, he held on, keeping you from leaving, and said, “I’ll miss you, and I can’t wait to see you in September. I won’t be able to say goodbye tomorrow, since-” he clearly didn’t want to mention his family, and you understood that.

"I will miss you too. Maybe we can write letters to each other" you responded.

He was going to refuse, knowing the risk of his mother reading his mail, but you quickly added, “I won’t send any. I’ll just save them up and give them to you when we see each other in september. You can do the same.” and then you hastily added, “If you want to, that is. I don’t want to pressure you into anything, I just-”

He interrupted you with a laugh followed by a tight hug. “I’ll write to you too.”

After that, you went on your way to the castle, while he waited a little while before returning. You both knew he couldn’t risk anyone from his family finding out he was spending time with a Mudblood, especially when there would be no time for tempers to cool down.

The only thing on your mind now, though, was the flutter of butterflies that erupted inside you the moment he hugged you and the tingling you still felt in the hand he had held.

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