#carm are your here or somewhere else?

[loveisalwaystheanswer]

how and why the fuck did we get from this

to this

[whenmemorydies]

Ancestors and The Bear

Phew, the discourse in season 3 of The Bear on legacy was STUNNING to me. This post by @gingergofastboatsmojito and episodes 3x01 Tomorrow and 3x07 Legacy have been sitting on my heart since I finished my binge of the show. Some thoughts under the cut. (I say "some" but this is another long ass post, soz).

If seasons 1 and 2 of The Bear went into the impact of our birth families on each of us, season 3 shifted pretty squarely to talking about the impact of our professional mentors on our lives. I've described those mentors as culinary ancestors, which as a concept I get into below. I loved this aspect of this season and the show generally. It is so rich and I feel like I'm only going to scratch the surface of it here. Keen to hear others' thoughts on this too.

Legacy and Ancestry

In 3x07 Legacy, Carmy talks to Marcus about the idea of legacy in the context of chefs he had worked with - how those chefs had talked to him about how their work would carry on through iterations and generations of subsequent chefs and restaurants that came after them. I'll include both a transcript and screenshots of this conversation below:

Carmy: Like, um, something would start somewhere, and then, uh, people would take that thing and then they would take it somewhere else. So, all these parts of an original restaurant, they would end up at a new restaurant and that kind of thing. That would happen over and over again. And then all these parts of all these restaurants, they would sort of-- You know, they would find each other. And then new people would take those parts and they would put 'em into their restaurant. And the whole thing, it would, um-- It would start to happen all over again.

Marcus: So, like a family tree or something?

Carmy: [looks to Syd who has her back to him, closing her locker] Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Most folks understand ancestry to refer to our family or genetic lineage. When I was in university, I learned about intellectual ancestors or genealogy: where one can trace your intellectual lineage - the thinkers and creators that have shaped your understanding of the world and/or your chosen profession. I think its useful to take this concept and apply it to The Bear to help understand what the show is saying about legacy. I wouldn't limit the concept to "intellectual" ancestry though. It might be more helpful to talk about culinary ancestors in this context because the process of creating food - crafting dishes - isn't solely an intellectual exercise. It engages our intellect yes, but also each of our senses, our memories (recall that chocolate banana from 2x10 The Bear), and the need to nurture and be nurtured.

Culinary Ancestors

Carmy's culinary ancestors are varied given his work history. We know he's cooked under some of the best chefs in the culinary world of The Bear, including: Daniel Boulud (of Daniel), René Redzepi (of NOMA), Thomas Keller (of The French Laundry), David Field (a sociopathic Joel McHale, of Eleven Madison Park), and Andrea Terry (a sublime Olivia Colman, of Ever). I'd also include here Mikey, Donna and Natalie Berzatto. I'd include cousins Richie Jeremovich and Michelle Berzatto as well. These are the home and line cooks Carm grew up with, watched in his mother's kitchen and at The Beef. He took his lessons - the good and the bad, learnt voluntarily and involuntarily - from all of these people, incorporated them into his working self and transmuted them into his food.

In particular, I've talked here about Chef Terry and the valuable lesson of "every second counts" that she carried with her as she mentored waves of chefs through her restaurant, Ever. That post also talks about the parallels between Terry and Syd (which were even more evident in season 3), the latter of whom I'd argue is also one of Carmy's culinary ancestors ("you make me better at this").

I wish we had more information about Sydney and her influences. We know that prior to The Beef, she worked at restaurants Smoque BBQ, Alinea and Avec. We meet at least one of her mentors, Chicago restauranteur Donnie Madia in 2x03 Sundae and 2x10 The Bear, as well as Nayia at the fictional Verdana French Bistro (which ends up closing by 2x09 Omelette). They each offer up small insights into Sydney: that her food is amazing and that she is always "trying to be the best." Carmy is also undoubtedly one of Sydney's culinary ancestors, as infuriating and withholding as he can be. I'm also certain that Sydney's parents and the cultural history/ies that she's inherited through them are part of her culinary lineage as well. I really, really hope that we get much more insight into this side of her next season.

Respect, mentorship and lineage

One of the things that first drew me to The Bear was the respect that the show gave its characters of colour. In particular, the opportunity and support given to people of colour from a working class operation like The Beef to continue into the fine dining world of The Bear. I've spoken a bit about this here.

I haven't seen a dynamic on television before, where folks from the backgrounds like the POC characters in The Bear are from, are backed in the way they are on the show. Where there are mentors who will invest in them to train them up, and who will take those folks with them as they move into more elite and skilled spaces. Hell, I have barely seen this happen in the roughly two decades that I've been in wage-earning employment myself. Lets be clear, capitalism does not incentivise this kind of shit. Its why certain industries, including the world of fine dining, remain largely if not completely exclusive, demarcated by gender, race and class.

Yes this season was fucked in terms of which characters were getting prioritised for screen time over key Black characters like Sydney and Marcus (the Faks can genuinely go fuck). The lack of care given to Marcus, in particular, whose mother's passing was treated almost perfunctorily in comparison to a wholly unnecessary conversation amongst the entire crew about Cl@ire in 3x02 Next (quoting Richie: "who cares?!"), was also fucked. I would have preferred to have spent more time with Syd, Marcus, Tina, Ebraheim, Sweeps, Manny and Angel than listening to Neil, Ted and fucking Sammy (?!) Fak blather their way through precious minutes during this show.

But even with the above, The Bear regularly manages to floor me with beautiful moments of mentorship, leadership and love featuring characters of colour on the show. This is particularly the case in the relationships between culinary ancestors Carm and Sydney with "descendants" Marcus and Tina.

Birth of the The Bear lineage

Recall 1x08 Braciole where Sydney tells Marcus that after she finished culinary school, she spent all her money eating her way through New York. She says that she had the best meal she's ever eaten while she was there. With Marcus' gentle prodding, we find out that the person who created that meal, was Carmy.

Its not until the first episode of season 3 when we see how this actually played out, for both Carmy and Syd. I won't rehash the details of this scene because it is truly beautiful filmmaking to behold. Please if you haven't already, go watch 3x01 in its entirety. Have tissues nearby.

I will say, that in the best meal Syd ever had, Carmy literally served up his heart and lifeblood (check the cut of the fish, the crimson of the blood orange decoction).

That meal - that seed of inspiration from Carmy - birthed something in Sydney, something that would push her to find Carmy much later, working at his brother's sandwich shop.

Together these two incredibly talented chefs started their own lineage, taking what they knew and investing it into The Beef and eventually, The Bear:

And then, the next generation of collaboration and inspiration emerges:

This is why the visuals in 3x01 Tomorrow, with Syd sitting in quiet contemplation of Carm's dish, are so poignant. From 1x01 System, Carm and Syd have been growing their branch of their shared culinary family tree, nurturing it alongside those of their respective ancestors:

In 3x01 Tomorrow, we see that tree literally emerging from the moment Sydney meets Carm, on a plate.

It all starts when Sydney leaves culinary school and decides to make the most of her time in New York, eating at every place she could think of including, at Eleven Madison Park. And when Carmen, after losing Mikey, decides to make a few seconds count, taking ownership of a dish that he knows is going to be stolen from him and bastardized otherwise. The rest is history, or legacy.

Author's note:

I just wanted to draw attention to the fact that this show is also an exercise of mentorship and collaboration: Ayo Edebiri directing 3x06 Napkins under the guidance of Calo and Storer. Ramy Youssef directing 2x04 Honeydew under the guidance of Storer who had previously directed him on and produced Ramy. The fucking force of nature that is veteran Liza Colón Zayas being directed by Ayo. Jeremy describing the filming of 2x06 Fishes as akin to watching masters at work. Of course any television production is a collaborative effort and there are countless names I'm not familiar with who have put their precious time and energy into making this beautiful thing. I just thought it worth mentioning that at times, this show glimmers with truths, and I think thats because, in some way, they're in the marrow of the thing.

[carmenberzattosgf]

(hii its carmyboobear!!)

idk if u have already thought abt this but: calming down carmy from a panic attack?? like when he’s freaking out in s2 I just wanna be there for him so bad ;_; ;_; idk I just wanna take care of him sometimes… also hope ur having a great day!!!

Hi friend!!! Omg I have thought about this. For sake of this blurb, reader is working at the bear! (for pining sake I don’t think they are together in this but it’s always up to your interpretation!)

You arrive at work early. Way earlier than normal. You want to work on a new dish before you’re officially on the clock. Usually, the only other person in the restaurant this early is Carmen. In fact, you see his beat up car as you pull in the back lot.

It’s been over 30 minutes at the restaurant, but no sign of Carmy. His knives are out on his station. He has to be here somewhere.

You walk over to the office; maybe he’s working on paperwork. However, you’re met with a closed door. “Carmy? You in there?” you shout through the door. There’s no answer on the other side, so you open the door to check inside.

Carmy’s sitting back to the wall with his knees to his chest inside. His forehead rests on his knees; he doesn’t see you come in. He didn’t even hear you call out through the door the first time. The thoughts are too loud in his head, everything’s too loud.

“Carmy? Carm, are you okay?” He doesn’t react to your voice. You step closer, kneeling down in front of him, gently resting your hand on his leg. Carmy flinches at the contact, and his head snaps up to look at you. It’s only then you put the pieces together. He’s trembling underneath your hand. His eyes are wide like he’s terrified. Carmy’s panting. His chest rising rapidly under his white t-shirt.

Out of instinct your hands cup his face, forcing him to meet your eyes. His skin burns underneath your palms. “Hey, hey, hey. You’re okay, Carmy.” You speak softly, trying to calm him down. “Did something happen?”

“N-no.” He manages to choke out between pants. He’s hyperventilating. You need to get him to calm down.

“I need you to breathe with me, yeah? Nice and slow.” You take deep slow breathes, and Carmy tries to, but he just can’t slow down his breathing. He’s completely overwhelmed by panic. “Let’s try something else. Can you name five things you can see for me?”

“W-what?”

“What do you see? Can you name five things you can see right now? Just five. I’ll count them for you.”

“U-uhm.” You watch his eyes start to dart around the room. “I—I uh—I see a computer.”

“Good, that’s one. What else?”

“I—I see you.”

You offer him a soft giggle. “That’s two. How about three more things?”

“I see a desk— a chair—“ his breathing is slowing down, but he’s still struggling to catch his breath. “And a pen.”

“Perfect. Now, can you tell me four things you can feel?”

“Uhm.” You can see the thoughts in his brain begin to slow down. “I feel y-your hands on my face. And uh— the ground I’m sitting on.” You rub your thumb gently along his cheek while he speaks, giving him another thing to distract himself from his brain. “I can feel the fabric of my jeans on my palms. And uh— the wall against my back.”

He’s finally starting to calm down, just a little bit. “There we go, Carmy. You’re doing good. What are three things you can hear?”

“The hum of the computer. Uhm. Does the sound of my breathing count?”

“Just anything you can hear. Can you name one more?”

“T-the music you have on in the kitchen.”

“What’s the point of coming in early if I can’t play my tunes?” You joke. A faint smile appears on his lips. His breathing is near normal, but he’s still shaking like a leaf. “Okay, this one might be hard. What’s two things you can smell?” He answers quicker then you expect, barely missing a beat.

“Your perfume. It smells nice.” It’s the first time he’s ever been so close to you for such an extended period of time. You’re still holding his face in your palms. He’s smelling the perfume you dabbed on your wrists before walking out the door this morning. He’s smelled it before, but never so intensely. “And uh— the cup of coffee on the desk.”

“Last thing. One thing you can taste?”

“Cigarette smoke.” You can’t help the belly laugh that leaves your throat. A small laugh leaves his, too. He had already had three cigarettes this morning, and it was barely dawn. The panic attack was going to happen no matter how many he smoked. He was just trying to delay the inevitable.

“I should have expected that one. You feeling better now? At least a little bit?” You finally let go of his face, starting to feel a bit awkward. The trembling in his hands has nearly stopped.

“Much better. Thank you— really thank you. Sorry you had to deal with that. Usually I can stop it— at work at least. Didn’t think anyone else was here.”

“No, don’t apologize. Nothing to be sorry about. Does this happen a lot?”

“Um… you could say that. I’m okay—promise. Just managing it the best I can.”

“If this is managing it, I’m scared to ask what not managing it is like.” There’s a lull between you two. Yeah, his not managing it was much, much worse. “Would you maybe wanna talk about it? Like maybe after work?” You instantly start backtracking, scared of crossing a line. “You don’t have to though! I mean we can just leave it if you want to I—“

“I would love to do that.” He interrupts you before you continue rambling. “Let’s get back to work, yeah? I wanna hear what’s on your playlist.”

[fandomunite2107]

Help Wanted (Pt. 2)

Summary: Carmy not liking the idea of you working somewhere else.

Pulling into a parking spot at the restaurant, both you and Carmy unbuckle your seatbelts. You leave your groceries on the floorboard of his car, but take your bag as you open the door to his car.

“I just need to take care of something really quick. Shouldn’t be long.” Carmy says as he opens and holds the door to the restaurant for you.

“No rush. Take your time.” You say as you enter through the back of the building. Once you are inside you see Richie with a couple of other people standing around the kitchen.

Richie notices you first. “Hey kid. Didn’t think I’d see you so soon.” Everyone turns to look to see who he is talking to and you smile and do a small wave. Richie then looks at Carmy with a smirk. “What’s got you two hanging out with each other?”

“Shut up Richie.” Carmy says. “Y/n, this is Sydney and this is my sister Nat.” He nods in the direction of each woman. “You already know my asshole cousin over there.”

“I’m not an asshole, you’re an asshole. You’re the one who fired the girl today.” Richie says.

“Wait, you worked here?” Sydney asked looking confused.

“For about an hour before I realized that the job didn’t exist.” Nat and Sydney looked at you as you continued. “Richie hired me without talking to Carmy about it.”

They both reply at the same time with a chorus of “Oh, yeah that tracks” and “Figures.”

Carmy runs his hand through his hair. “Alright, that’s enough. Syd, what’s the issue with the menu?”

“Might as well follow me to the office. Once they get started on that damn thing it takes forever for them to take a break.” Nat says to you as she starts to walk away. Following her into the office, you take a look around and see piles of papers on every surface, even the floor. “How good are you at organizing?” She asks as she takes a seat on the floor next to one of the larger stacks of papers.

“Honestly, I’m pretty amazing at it. I find it kind of soothing.” You say as you place your bag on an almost empty area of the desk and take a seat next to her.

After going through one of the stacks of papers together, you stretch your arms above your head and move your shoulders around. “It doesn’t even look like we made a dent.”

Nat stands up and looks around. “I actually think it multiplied.” She holds her hand out to help you stand. Looking at the time, you realize that it is much later than you thought. “You want a ride home? I think they’re still working.” Nat offers.

“I’d appreciate that.” You grab your bag from the desk and follow Nat back to the kitchen, where you see Carmy cutting up some vegetables.

“Hey Bear. I’m going to head out and take y/n home. Where’s Syd?” Nat asks as she digs through her bag pulling out a set of keys.

“Shit. Didn’t know it’s this late.” He glances at the clock and puts his knife down on the cutting board. “Syd. She had to take my car and go pick up her dad.” Carmy looks at you and runs his hand through his already messed up hair. “S-Sorry. I lost track of time. Syd should be back soon and I can take you home.”

“It’s fine.” You try to hold back a sigh. It’s not fine. Your groceries were in his car, a car that is no longer here. It could be worse you thought, at least you don’t have to walk home in the dark.

“Don’t stay too late Carm. I’ll be back tomorrow.” Nat looks at you and asks if you’re ready to go.

“Sure. Bye Carmy.” You give a small wave, which he returns with a nod, and follow Nat out the building.

After giving directions to Nat on how to get your apartment, it doesn’t take very long to get to your building. You thank her for the ride and walk up the stairs. Once you reach your apartment and walk in, you take off your shoes and lay your bag down. It has been a long day, and you are exhausted. Slipping into some pajamas, you plug your phone in and turn off the lamp on the night stand before crawling into bed. It doesn’t take long for you to fall asleep.

With the sun coming through the curtains you just bought, you wake up glancing at the clock. Knowing that you have things you want to get done today, you shower and get dressed for the day. Remembering that you still don’t have your groceries, you go to the cafe that you went to yesterday. With your bank account in mind you only order a pastry and a drink, which you eat at a table as you people watch. Once you have finished your breakfast, you open up your bag to find your list of things to do. Finding a part time job is still on there, and you decide that is where you are going to start today. Walking out of the cafe, you see a bulletin board by the door with a variety of papers advertising jobs pinned. Most of them are for restaurants or local bars. Taking a picture of some of the papers, you notice that one restaurant isn’t too far from here. Deciding to check that one out, knowing that you don’t have any experience in the food industry, but hoping that they’re desperate enough to hire you.

After walking a couple of blocks you arrive at the restaurant, not knowing if the place is open yet you try the door. When it opens and you walk in the entrance, not seeing anyone around. “Hello?” You call out.

“One moment.” You hear someone shout out to you, appearing a moment later. “Hi. What can I do for you?”

“I’m y/n. I saw an ad that you were hiring. I was hoping to get an application.” You say as you hold your hand out to shake.

“I’m not the manager, but I will tell you we are doing open interviews later on tonight from 5-7. If you’re interested, I will tell you that there is a uniform that you have to wear. It’s also encouraged to wear it during the interview. It’s free to take it and if you don’t get the job you just have to return it, if you don’t you pay for it.” She says.

Not entirely sure how you feel about a uniform and not knowing what it looks like, you decide that it’s worth a shot “I’ll be here. Do you have a uniform that I can get?”

A phone rings from the back. “I gotta take that. The uniforms are in the closet over there help yourself to your size. Fill out this form and be here between 5-7.” She says as she walks off handing you a form.

Opening the closet that she pointed out to you, you see dozen of hangers with the restaurant’s uniform. Finding your size and picking it up, you think that it could be worse. The skirt looks short and the top seems like it would barely cover anything, but it’s not the worse thing you have ever worn for a job. Taking the clothes and putting them in your bag, you head back to your apartment to work on a few items before the interview later.

About an hour before the interview you start to get ready, you do your hair and put on some make up along with the uniform. As you predicted, it’s a bit short and the top barely just contains everything. You could just bring the uniform to the restaurant and change before the interview, but what if there isn’t time and what if everyone who’s applying already has it on. You feel safer just wearing it to the interview. Not really wanting to walk the few blocks dressed in this uniform you put a coat on, even though you’ll be warm, you at least feel more covered. Making sure you have everything, you grab your bag and start to head out of your apartment building.

As you shut the main door to your apartment building and start to go down the front steps, you see Carmy getting out of his car.

“Carmy?”

“Uh. H-hi. I asked Nat where you lived. Hope you don’t mind. I wanted to drop off your groceries from yesterday.”

“O-oh. Um. Thank you. I appreciate that.” You walk closer to his car.

He opens the passenger door and takes the bags out. You go to grab the bags from him but he refuses.

“I got this. Just lead the way.” He says.

Not wanting to be rude. You thank him and walk him up to your apartment. Having done the stairs twice now in your coat, you are starting to get warm. Opening the door to your apartment you both walk in. Carmy places the bags on the kitchen counter and wipes his forehead.

“I’m not sure how you’re walking around in a coat. It’s fucking hot out today.” Carmy says looking at you, wiping his forehead.

“Oh. Well trust me I’m warm. I have an interview soon and the uniform I have to wear isn’t the best.” You say a bit embarrassed.

Carmy smirks. “You’re wearing a coat in this weather because you don’t like your uniform. It can’t be that bad. Show me.”

Not sure how you ended up in this situation, you unbutton the coat. “I need a job so don’t laugh.” You take the coat off and place it on the counter. Standing in front of Carmy in your uniform you feel too exposed. You look up at Carmy because he hadn’t said anything yet. He’s just staring at you. You start to ramble. “I found an ad today about this restaurant that was hiring so I went there after breakfast. The lady there said that they were doing open interviews today. She said that it was encouraged to wear the uniform to the interview.”

“No.” It was the only word that left his mouth.

“I’m sorry?”

“You are not wearing that.” He rubs his hand down his face.

“It’s not that bad.” You turn around in a circle. “Plus, I do need this job.”

“We’ll find you another job. I’ll find the money to hire you.”

“You don’t even know me. Why are concerned with where I work?”

“Just go change.” He’s pinching his nose. “Please.”

“Carmy. I appreciate that you brought my groceries here and are concerned where I work, but you did fire me yesterday. So I don’t think that I should be passing up a job opportunity based on you not liking a uniform.” You say as you put the coat back on, feeling exposed and embarrassed by his reaction.

“Y/n. Nat told me you were a teacher. You really thinks it’s the best move for you to be dressed like that when a parent shows up to that restaurant?”

“I-I.” You sigh, knowing that he’s right, but you’re getting a bit desperate at the moment. “Good point. I just need something. Preferably one that doesn’t require this much skin.” You look down at your uniform as you open up the coat.

Carmy coughs and his cheeks turn a shade of pink. “I’ll move things around and make it work at the restaurant. Nat said you were good with the paperwork.”

“You promise not to fire me within the first hour?” You smile up at him.

“I promise. Now go burn that uniform.”

You start to walk toward the bedroom to go change into something else. “I have to bring it back to the restaurant or I get charged for it.”

“Jesus. I will pay for it so you don’t have to go back there.”

Looking over your shoulder at Carmy you smile. “Hey Carmy.”

“Yeah?” He looks back at you.

“Thank you. For the job, for everything.”

He nods and points to the bedroom. “Go change.”

——————

Possibly another part?

—————

Taglist: @anelissegets @onlyreadz @iletmytittietitty-russ

[yellowharrington]

jaded -- chapter 2, carmy berzatto x reader

pairing + fandom: carmen “carmy” berzatto x fem!reader (she/her pronouns used), the bear fx

warnings: smoking (both carmy and reader), mention of sexual content, a bit of angst. minors dni with this story please.

word count: 2k

a/n: chapter 2 is here! ty for reading and interacting w this story i very much appreciate it <3 this chapter is a bit angsty and a bit fluffy, pls enjoy!

summary: after you and carmy hook up, things change.

masterlist | chapter 1 | chapter 3

Carmy isn’t good at hookups. Especially after spectacularly fucking it up with Claire, a girl he knew deep down was probably his soulmate, he was feeling pretty fucking gross about the whole thing. He doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve any of it, and pumping his loneliness into his pastry chef probably isn’t a great idea either. It felt so good in the moment, his hands wrapped around her throat and in her hair, pouring it all out into the messy thrusts. He just thought about how he wasn’t good enough for this, and was just a broken, broken person. 

You knew it wasn’t supposed to mean anything, and you’d heard whispers about Claire in the kitchen between Carmen and Ritchie, and obviously there was a history there. You had tried to pry the story out of Sydney, but she was all tight-lipped about the whole thing, not wanting to “gossip” at work. In reality, you knew she knew Claire and had heard more about what had happened on opening night, and probably just didn’t want to repeat the story to anyone. You could respect it, but at the same time, you needed to know how deep this shit went before you started being your boss’s rebound.

The kitchen that afternoon when you come in for your shift is awkward, to say the least. You ignore him, he ignores you, but it’s tense. When he sees you, all he sees is your lips hung open, moans escaping against his skin, his loose gold chain between your teeth as he plunges into you, over and over and over and…

“Behind, Jeff! Fuck, what is up with you today? Your mind is somewhere else,” Tina breaks him out of his daydream, watching as you ice the dessert in front of you, focusing on the even layers of chocolate buttercream. And you’re not laughing, no, because you don’t know if he’s daydreaming about you or still has his mind on Claire, and even though you may have a big ego, it’s not big enough to think he’s distracted by you at work. It was one fuck, one night, one mistake between two coworkers that you’d never speak of again.

“Outside, now, chef,” he’s suddenly at your station, looming over you just as you were getting lost in the frosting. “I’m fucking busy, Carm-“ you started, before his hand came down on the stainless steel beside you, gripping the edge of the counter. “Now, chef. Please.” You place the offset spatula on the clean plate beside your cake, glaring at him as you walked out back. He immediately pulled out a cigarette to put between his lips, letting the chilled air hit the bare skin of his arms. “What the fuck do we do?” he asks, more into the air than directly to you. You tighten your apron around your waist, crossing your arms over your chest. “Probably fuckin’ prep for service and serve rich assholes some marinated radishes. What the fuck else would we be doing?”

“Don’t be stupid,” he says, and it’s sharper than he intends. “No, I mean,-“ “Look, you’re the one who left in the middle of the night, alright? You’re the one who snuck out and went home before I could say anything or we could come up with a game plan. I don’t care that we fucked, we can forget it, I won’t talk about it again. Swear on my fuckin’ life,” you grab the cigarette from between his fingers and put it between your own lips. “But don’t act like I’m crazy, or like it’s my fucking fault, alright?” There’s a beat as you take a puff of his cigarette, smashing it beneath the toe of your shoe into the concrete. “Sorry for leaving,” he says, finally, “Didn’ know what else to do.” You shrugged. “Whatever, Carm, it doesn’t have to mean anything, if you don’t want it to. I’ll live and let live if you will. Just be fuckin’ cool, don’t tell anyone. I don’t want people to know that I fucked my boss, or whatever.” He smirks, “Heard, chef.” 

And it all seems alright for a bit. The kitchen is back to normal, you’re back on pace, and you and Carmy are fine. 

- 

The weeks pass and the world falls back into its natural orbit. There’s a hookup here and there, a few nights where he comes home with you after service, all under the guise of a drive home. You feel obligated to invite him up for something to eat (because God knows he hasn’t all fucking day), and before you can get in the door he’s already hot on your heels and breathing down the back of your neck. And there you are, breath hitched in your throat, struggling to get the door open, feeling his hand come around your front and slide into the waistband of your jeans.

Sometimes he stays, sometimes he doesn’t. It’s a toss up if you have to be in for service the next morning, and you usually hear him grabbing his coat from where it’s laid on the kitchen table, the jingle of his car keys in the right-hand side pocket being just loud enough to wake you from your deep slumber. Sometimes you’re coherent enough to ask him to stay, but he’s got one foot out the door and he can easily pretend not to hear you. And it’s fine, really.

A Saturday rolls around, the busiest day of the week, and there’s a few mumbles around the kitchen that Carmy’s in a bad mood today, and he’s not to be fucked with.

You were nothing if not nosy, so when Richie and Natalie are having a heated conversation in the dining room before prep starts, you can’t help but insert yourself. “What’s up, guys? Everything chill?” Richie shot you a look, but not before leaning down closer to your ear, sworn to secrecy.“Claire bitched out Carmy on a drunk phone call last night,” He starts, before Natalie can stop him. “No, it wasn’t-“ “Yeah, it was. It was gnarly. She finally actually got mad about opening night and let him fuckin’ have it, good for her,” he laughs, letting his hands plunge into his pockets. “What did she say?” Natalie’s sweet voice was a sharp contrast to Richie’s, low, and soft, when she replied, “He didn’t say much. Just that she called, and he had his stupid sad puppy dog eyes on, so obviously she must’ve said some… stuff.”

Carmy was scrubbing the floors of the kitchen, head down, obviously not taking any notice to the mini staff meeting in the dining room. “Just don’t mention it, ‘kay? I don’t think anyone’s supposed to know. He hasn’t heard from her in weeks and now he’s all fucked up over it, he’ll probably be a real bitch later.” “Heard, chef. Will try not to piss off Princess Carmy.”

The service isn’t so bad. Carmy’s mopey - downturned eyes, less yelling than you’d anticipated. It’s almost scary; seeing him rather calm, a little sad, reduced to a heartbroken boy who just feels fucking bad for himself. You try to stay out of his way, focusing on getting plates of custard and cake out in time, with no mistakes. It’s a lot of ‘yes chef, thank you chef, great chef’. You’d almost actually prefer it like this.

You find him out back having a cigarette right before you’re gonna head out. He hasn’t bothered to put his sweater or coat on, arms bare against the cold night air as he blows the hot smoke into a cloud above him. “Hey,” you start, sitting next to him. It feels a little odd to be close to him - intimate, in a way that you’re not used to. “You seemed off tonight. Is something up?” You put your hand out expectantly for a cigarette, and he obliges, with his lighter to follow. 

“No, chef,” he starts, dusting some salt from the street off his shoe. “Thank you though.” “You know I don’t have to be chef outside of that kitchen,” you bump a shoulder with him. “You’ve called me a lot of other names, God knows.” He stifles a laugh and looks at you again, with a softness in his features you’d never really seen before. “I just had a rough night last night, is all,” he finishes. “Just feels so fucking bad. I feel like I’m so bad at… this.” He gestures to the night sky around him. “I don’t know how to balance anything. I keep… I keep fucking losing people. People I like, people… people I fucking love. And like, what am I supposed to do about that?” You can see his face get hot as he lets the heel of his hand rub his eye. “You let it happen,” you finish, taking a puff of your own cigarette. “You do what you can and you let yourself feel it and you mourn and grieve until you can’t anymore, until it doesn’t feel right to anymore.”

He nods in agreement, letting you both smoke in silence. “Can I give you a ride home?” He asks, and you know what that means. “Yeah,” you agree softly. “Sure, thanks. Go get your stuff, I’ll wait here.” When he’s back, he locks the back door of the restaurant and lets you stand up first, following behind you.

When you make it back to your place, it’s different. He’s comfortable here now, having been in your space enough times to know where he was welcomed. Normally, it goes like, he’s panting down your neck before you can even get in the door, and once he’s put his stuff down, the back of your knees are hitting the mattress, wet sloppy kisses along your collarbones and neck, down over your breasts and down down down…

But he’s not being like that. When he sets his coat down, he finds his way to your couch. You pull a glass out of the cupboard to fill with ice and cold water, handing it to him before doing the same for yourself. “Can we… can we go to bed?” He asks, and it’s softer than usual. “Sure,” you smile, opening the door to your bedroom and watching as he strips bare, before pulling out a pair of grey sweat pants he had stashed in your closet. You’d stayed the night at his one time, so-affectionately wearing them in the morning to make him a cup of morning coffee, and decided just to wear them home. “Keep them,” he had said to you that day, “just in case.”

When he climbs in between your white sheets, he seems to instantly relax. He generally did after work, from what you saw - and even though he often had a hard time letting the day go, it seemed like whenever he was with you, he could let it go a little easier. You grabbed a pair of pyjamas for yourself and slid them on, before cracking the window slightly and letting the cool breeze in. The chain around his neck glistened in the moonlight, as he let his eyes flutter closed, just for a minute. When you let your hand brush over his arm, tracing the faded inky lines of his tattoos, he opened one eye slightly, eliciting a small laugh from the side of his mouth. “Feels nice,” he offered, soft against the sounds of the nighttime. “Would you be offended if we didn’t fuck tonight?” His eyes are still closed, and even though it seems a bit ridiculous to ask, you can tell it was hard for him to get the words out. It didn’t really mean that, it meant, can we just be here, together, and enjoy each other for a night? Do you want me here if not for that? 

“Of course not, Carmen,” you let your head hit the pillow, kissing his shoulder and letting your hand grasp his bicep. “You never call me Carmen,” he comments, voice soft, before he looks over at you. “I kinda like it. Only you, though.” You let the curls of his hair tangle around your fingers as he started to drift off, you following not long after. And it’s actually fine this time.

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 12

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics; Enjoy The Silence (Depeche Mode) - Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in- into my little world. Painful to me, pierce right through me, can't you understand? All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, Is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm…

♡ Summary: Winnie x Carmy have deep talks, Carmy ends up running away & having a panic attack, Syd being the pookie pie she is brings Winnie to therapy, they share big news & Syd is anxious (but, what's new there?)

♡ W/C: 9,600

♡ Posted Date: 03/08/2024

♡ A/N: Hey everyone! No smut in this chapter, but lots of angst!! We finally get to see Syd bc I was talkin to a Tumblr OOMF & I just HAD to put in some Syd this week, & she slipped right in there perfectly! We will be back with some super sweet fluff next week, I need to keep you on your toes - this is about Carmen the most anxious person on earth after all hahahha

♡ Warnings for BTC: Smoking, Swearing, Angst, Talk of suicide, Panic attacks, Bad coping skills *not edited :)*

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

After a shower that surprisingly didn’t end in another round, and a heavy make out when he came out of the bathroom to see me clad in nothing but his white shirt and a pair of panties, we had gotten comfortable in bed again, my fairy lights back on. 

We were laid facing eachother, fingers intertwined, sharing sweet pillow talk about what we did earlier in the night. It felt so good to talk to him like this, and truth be told I felt so lucky that he was being so open about how he felt about it all. 

“Y’know when-“ I giggled “when I was like- I couldn’t say anything other then yes?” I asked and he snorted a laugh, squeezing my hand softly. 

“Yes why?” He gently rubs my hip with his free hand, pushing my shirt up so his palm was flat against my skin. 

“Cause- well I couldn’t even wrap my head around it, I just knew that you were doing exactly what I wanted, but more so you were saying what I wanted. Like- Bear. I am so amazed with you and your ability to like- learn so fast. You’re like actually the best lay I’ve ever ever had. For real, honest to god.” I said, gently rubbing my thumb over his now very warm and pink cheek. 

He swallowed thickly, thinking for a moment, eyes fluttering shut under my gentle touch. “Can I tell y’somethin, baby?” he asked quietly. I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his, my hand trailing up his face and fingers getting lost in his damp curls. 

“Anything, Carmy.” I whispered, gently nuzzling our noses sweetly “I want you to tell me everything baby” I whispered and he leaned forward, kissing me gently. When he pulled his lips away, his forehead still on mine. My eyes flutter open to meet his blue ones. He takes a deep, shaky breath. 

“I-I’ve never felt like this..and I’m really fuckin’ scared” he bit his lip, squeezing my hip gently. I cupped his jaw, planting a lingering gentle kiss on his forehead before resting my own against him again. 

“Do you remember, last week, when you told me you wanted me to show you how it feels?” I whisper and I could have sworn he stopped breathing for a moment. 

“N-no- no…how…it’s too soon” he pulls away a bit and I let him do so, squeezing his hand affirmingly. 

“How fast do you hate someone?” I asked after he sat silent for a moment, and the look behind his eyes was clear that he was far off somewhere else, so I had to say something to get him back. 

“What?” He asks, attention back to me. “Why does that matter?” He begins untangling our fingers and I rest my other hand over his to stop him. 

“Because. There is such a thin line between love and hate, Carm. I can tell you hate with a deep, guttural, soul-splitting passion. When you hate something, you hate it…and when you love something” I said and he gently curled his fingers around mine again, rubbing his thumb in strokes along the back of my hand. 

“How are you like that” he whispers, pulling me to his chest and nuzzling his face in my neck, his lips pressed to my skin and warm puffs of breath tickling the fleshy spot between my shoulder and my neck. 

I smiled, my hand absentmindedly coming up and lacing my fingers through his curls, scratching his scalp gently in the places I’d come to know he liked. “Like what, Bear?” I whisper, just as soft. It felt like we were the only people in the world. Sleep wasn’t needed in our little haven, I felt like I couldn’t miss a single moment of him. 

“That.” He breathes into my skin, peppering sweet, warm kisses along my skin. “You always fuckin’…just…calm me down. It’s so fuckin’ terrifying” he mutters, a small smile comes to my lips and I kiss his temple sweetly. 

“You calm me down too, but you also make my heart race so much even when I think about you, I worry for myself sometimes…like I’m havin’ a heart attack. Like my heart literally skips. And I didn’t understand what people meant until I met you” I said with a small giggle and he snorts a laugh into my skin. 

“I can’t think about you when I’m not with you- well…that’s a lie…I can’t think about how I feel about you when I’m not with you” he said softly, his thumb gently rubbing over the scar on my hip. 

“Why?” I asked quietly, gently dragging my fingers through his hair in slow, backwards strokes. 

“Cus’ I’ll give myself a fuckin panic episode or whatever it’s called if I think about it for too long.” He mumbled into my neck and I swallowed thickly. 

“Cause…you like me, right?” I asked and he lets out a chuckle. 

“Sooooo far past like, but sure. I don’t even know what to call it, but I more then like you. But- I…I also hate feeling like this..cus’…cus’ I feel- I feel like I’m gonna fuck everything up. Like…what if I’m so focused on us that I fuck up the restaurant? Or- or what if I lose my touch. Or fuckin’ I dunno. Somethin’ in me just like-“ he sighs. “I need a fuckin’ cigarette.” He sits up, back facing me, leaving me cold on my side and I pout. 

“Alone?” I ask quietly, wanting to reach out for him. 

“No- no baby come w’me cmon. Put on some pants though yeah? It’s freezin’ “ he said, grabbing his sweatpants and putting them on as well as his usual plaid brown jacket. 

I got up, opening my dresser and pulling out some pink fuzzy hello kitty pajama bottoms, tugging them on before putting on my fuzzy pink bear socks along with my Ugg slippers and grabbing my well loved Winnie the Pooh zip up, putting it over his tshirt and putting up the hood. “We can go on the balcony” I said softly, going over and unlocking the door. 

He slipped his sneakers on, following me out and sitting down on one of the chairs. “C’mere” he pats his lap and I come over, gently sitting and wrapping my arms around him once he got his cigarettes out and grabbing his lighter from his pocket. Once he popped it between his lips, I lit it for him, gently playing with the curls at the base of his neck and watching as he took a drag. 

“I just feel…like- and I-i know what you’ll say- cause you’ve told me already like a hundred times- but…I feel like, I’m finally sacrificing a little of myself for myself and…I feel like I don’t deserve to? Like…I-i-im betraying myself? and-“ I cup his cheek, stopping his rambling. 

“Why is it betrayal, baby? What about letting yourself feel for once is a betrayal?” I asked and he took another long drag, mulling the question over. 

“Cause’ that part of me that tells me it’s betrayal T’myself t’be happy is the same part of myself that says people always leave and it’s always right. And it tells me…like- like- everyone is gonna be so mad at me when I fuck up with you and then lose you and I also have been like- not on top of my shit with the restaurant. So like I’m- I’m fuckin over Nat, and Richie, and Marcus, and Tina, and Syd. I’m fuckin’ em, Win. For me to be happy. Leavin’ em with all this bull that I’m used to handling so I can run off and play boyfriend until you fuckin’ realize that-“

“Hey, hey, hey” I said softly, cutting his spiral before it could get too deep. “Let’s unpack this baby, so you…you feel like, if you were to fall in love- not even with me. Let’s take me out of this equation. So you think that if you were to have a lover, like a real, intimate, partnership, like- building your life with someone. And that because as a human you have to have a work-life balance, that if your life cuts in to your work, just like your work is expected to cut in to your life once in a while- you believe that everyone in your life, Your big sister, your closest friends, and Syd? Syd. The girl who every person in her life she just wants them to be happy? Like it actually brings her to tears. She fuckin sat with me and Sadie for eleven hours on a FaceTime call, helping us get our Taylor tickets when she didn’t even want to go. And she cried with us when we finally got them. Syd loves you, Carm. As a friend. And knowing Syd, how she loves her friends? Its pure. So if you can’t believe any of the other people you mentioned would be anything short of happy if you were to have an actual life outside of work, it would be Syd. Also- you” I poke his cheek, thankfully earning a tiny upturn of his lips with the action. 

“You, sir” I continue “are a control freak. Yes, it’s hot a lot of the time. But then the other 10-15% of the time…all it does is fuck everything up Carmy. When you try to fuckin’ control every situation with an iron fist something is bound to go wrong. Syd is so smart. She was smart before you got her, and she’s even smarter because you’re teaching her, Carm. You said it yourself- she’s your right hand. Is Syd not your right hand, lovey?” I asked him softly, gently massaging his tense shoulders. 

Blew a trail of smoke away from me, being sure not to let any get directly in my face, before clearing his throat. “Ye’. She is” he muttered, slightly relaxing under my touch. 

“S’what does that mean, baby? D’you trust yourself? Do you trust that you’ve taught Syd, and Richie, and Fak, and Natalie, and Tina how you want your restaurant to be run? What if somethin’ happened to you tomorrow god forbid- d’you think The Bear would crash and burn?” I asked and he shook his head lightly in response, pushing his cigarette out in the ash tray. 

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. “No- no…that’s actually..” he sighs, looking ahead at the cityscape. “I think about that- like…a lot…well- more before I met you I guess…but- t’day” he swallowed thickly and I kept my gaze locked on his side profile. 

“T’day I thought about it again…and y’re right. If I was removed…everything would probably run smoother. Because like you said. I’m an efficient son of a bitch because of how tightly I control shit, but sometimes I do too much and- a lot I think like…what if I’m holding The Bear back.” He muttered and I gently stroked his cheek with my thumb, both of us going quiet. I gnawed on the inside of my lip nervously, contemplating how he’d react- but knowing how he feels about himself…I had to allow him to see his situation from the outside. 

“D’you wanna know something I’ve been thinkin’ about…but…I didn’t wanna tell you cus’ I’ve been scared it’ll get you worked up for the wrong reasons?” I ask just above a whisper and his gaze finally meets mine again. 

“Tell me” he said, “I promise- I don’t think I could ever stay mad at you, honey” he said leaning in and kissing my cheekbone lightly. 

I took a deep, regulating breath. “When Sugar drove me home…I dunno I just had this- I was…I was just curious. And I asked her, I was like oh- who started to call him Bear, and- she told me that it was Mikey…” I watch his jaw tighten slightly and I swallow thickly, finding the confidence to continue. “And she- she told me…that um..you- you went to New York. Because you and Mikey kinda…grew apart. But that when you were young you both- you…The Bear was gonna be yours together.” I manage to get out and he closes his eyes taking a deep shakey breath. 

“What does this have to do with what I said, Winnie.” He said evenly, but his breath trembling. 

“I…I think-“ I play with my zipper nervously. “I think Mikey felt the same way… I think- he…he felt like you’d be better off because of the way he did things a-“ my voice breaks, tears coming to my eyes. “and he saw you Carmen…he saw you. Sugar told me she- she said…she said he was so proud, but he- he wouldn’t say it. And- and I think…I think he-he was scared. I think-“ he cuts me off. 

“S’what? Y’think he fuckin’ killed himself because he thought I was better than him?! When he wouldn’t even fuckin’ let me work at Mom and Dad’s piece a’ shit - before I fuckin’ went off to prove myself to him.” He said, voice sharper than I’d ever heard him speak towards me before, but still cracking towards the end. 

“Carmy…” I whispered, my throat feeling tight at the sudden energy shift. 

“I think he always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you. Carmy. He fucking loved you so fucking much. The way-“ I took a trembling breath, tears staining my cheeks. “The way he loved you was pure Carmen. You said you- you haven’t felt it but it’s just- it’s been around you this entire time baby. Sugar told me how you two were, she gushed over the trouble you’d get into together and how he’d always walk you to school. Just how fucking kind he was and all the ways you take after him.” I wiped away the tears that were pooling in his eyes. 

“I-“ he choked on a sob. “I have to go on a walk- p-please. Alone.” He took in a shaking breath, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, tears pooling down his cheeks. “I h-have to think” he sniffled. 

I wipe his tear-stained cheeks. “Just be safe ok?” I whispered, kissing his temple gently before getting up off his lap.  

He nodded, grabbing his cigarettes and going back in to put a shirt on. I sat down in the chair, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my cheek on my knee, looking out at the city scape, my mind reeling with thoughts. The main one that kept bouncing from corner to corner or my mind like a god damn dvd video logo. 

You sunk too deep, too soon. He’s not coming back.

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

I pulled the door behind me slightly harder than I meant to, the slam echoing throughout the hallway. I dug my cigarettes out of my pocket, the second I got into the stairwell lighting it with shaking hands. 

Really, Bear. If you ever feel it's getting too much - call, okay?

Sugars words bounced around my head as I pounded down the stairs, feeling like I couldn't breathe. Sure. The thick hot smoke I was inhaling didnt help the matter, but- fuck - the only thing that could allow me to speak fuckin normally in this state, was if I had a cigarette to pull on. 

I shove open the door so hard that it slams against the brick, causing an elderly woman and her white fluffy dog to jump. “Ooh!” she exclaims, putting her hand over her heart at the sudden noise. 

“S’rry Ma’am” I muttered, pulling my hood over my head as I walked by, looking at my feet as I fished my phone out while I took a drag of my now lit cigarette. With my free hand, I popped the cigarette out of my mouth and let out a shaky exhale as I unlocked my phone with shaking fingers.

Where the fuck am I going right now? 

I click the phone icon, clicking Sugars number and putting the phone to my ear as I listen to the ring and my heavy footsteps, inhaling another heavy drag. Surprisingly, it was only 2 rings before she answered. 

“God damn it Bear, y’re lucky I shut my ringer off before Livy woke up- Whats goin’ on?” she whisper-shouts into the phone. I stopped, leaning against the chainlink fence cutting off the empty lot a  block down from Winnies apartment. I wanted to crumple and sob at the sound of her voice.

“N-Nat?” I stutter in to the phone, my voice shaky, feeling just like I sounded as a fuckin’ kid, knocking at her door after Mom yelled at me for knocking her drink over. 

“Carmy-” she said, voice much softer then before and I heard her front door click open, car keys jingling. “Bear, where are you - let me help you, Bear, please, tell me- where are you?” she pleads.

I took a deep shuddering breath, crouching down against the fence with my head in my hands, the only thing stopping my hand from shaking being pressing the phone to my ear.

“Y’remember - d’you-” I took the phone away from my ear, slapping my palm against my forehead roughly in frustration. I cant fuckin’ speak right now. Fuck. And it feels like I’m gonna throw up. 

“Bear” I heard her say through the phone as I frustratedly rubbed my hand over my face, pushing tears away angrily to try and ground myself.

How the fuck did Winnie make me feel like this? What the fuck? Why am I not mad at her for making me feel like this?

“Nat- Nat…Nat” I try catching my breath, “Nat, Im fuckin’ im cashin’ in- w-when you told me t’call you if im- if… “ I look up briefly, rubbing my hand over my mouth to soothe back a sob, my eyes meeting the ‘For Rent’ sign of the empty lot I was kneeled infront of pathetically. 

“Uh-I’m-I’m a-at- tw-” I pull the phone away and cough, my lungs burning. The mix of crying uncontrollably, thick mucus, and cigarettes, proving once again to be deadly- if not at least extremely irritating to my throat when I’m like this.

“Twenty-five north Wells, near Winnies” I breathe out, slumping down into a heap on the sidewalk, curling into myself. 

If someone I know walks by, I’m actually going to end it, fucking tonight.

“Stay, stay right there, I’m coming Bear” I heard her car door slam shut, before the engine roared to life.

 “Thanks” I mumble in to the phone and hung up, dropping my phone in my chest pocket and hugging my knees.

I look like a fuckin child, pathetic and rediculous.

But my swirling, self deprecating thoughts didn’t stop me from shaking with silent sobs as I mulled over the words Winnie said minutes earlier, sticking to my brain like velcro. 

‘ He always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you, Carmy. ‘

I shook my head at the thought, wiping the never ending stream of tears from my raw cheeks. “Fuckin, get it together quit bein a pussy” I muttered to myself, sniffling and standing up, shaking my hand by my side roughly, hearing the joint crack with each flick as I paced back and forth quickly, uncontrollably gasping breaths taking over my lungs in place of sobs as I swallowed everything back. 

I refused to be sniveling like a little bitch when I got in Nat’s car. I’m not fuckin’ 7 anymore. I clear my throat, looking up at the sky as I pace, trying to find anything to pop in my mind other then the racing thoughts of Mikey, and the overwhelming guilt that I somehow killed him by leaving. 

I was so lost in attempting to chill the fuck out - that I didn’t even hear Natalie’s SUV pull up. What pulled me out of my head was the sound of her car door slamming. 

“Bear- fuckin’ Jesus Carmen, thank god Y’re alright buddy, you scared me fuckin’ shitless” she comes up to me, hugging me tightly and nestling her face in my chest. “I love you, i love you, I love you Carmen. I don’t tell you enough, but I love you, ok? So so fucking much. Y’re still my little bud. Y’know that, right? Y’re gonna be my little buddy forever” She mutters. 

And with that, I cracked once again. “Nat” I whisper, before completely breaking down in her arms, sobbing into her shoulder. She hugs me tighter, rubbing circles into my back soothingly.  

“Oh, Bear…” she whispered sadly into my hair, “tell me, tell me Carm.” She said and I tried to catch my breath.

“I- fuck- holy fuck. I- I needa sit…please. D-do you have water?” I cough hard into my arm. Fuckin cigarettes only fuck me up this bad when I’m like this. 

“Carm, fuckin’ breathe - holy shit. Yes, c’mon” she tugs my sleeve and I got on the passanger side, immediately grabbing her large purple cup that of course was just like Winnie’s-

Since the universe is determined to cackle at my demise at every beck and turn. 

-but I got past it due to my mouth that was so dry it felt glued, and chug down about half of the cup by the short time she’d sat in the driver seat and set the cup back down with a sigh. 

“Glad to see you found the water” she said, turning the engine over so we wouldn’t freeze. “So. Cmon. Let’s go. code hiccup..this must be serious” she said, bringing a small, barely there smile to my lips. 

Code hiccup was what she called her mandatory chats with me as a kid, when I’d get so fuckin’ worked up that I’d be hiccuping as I cried since I could barely breathe. And during these, she told me ‘as an older sister she has authority to make me tell her what’s bothering me.’ - she’d only ever called one of these when I was at the very wits end of my breaking point, so I never fought her on it. 

I look at her “Mikey- Winnie- she -hic- she…what the fuck did you say t’her, Nat?” Ok, so I guess I still get so worked up I fuckin’ hiccup. 

“Carm, what? Thats why you’re all fuckin’ upset?! Cause I told her a few childhood stories, and told her about how much he missed you when you were away? How close you both were? You knew that already. I told you that! I tried calling, Bear. You fuckin iced me out the same way he did t’you” she shook her head. 

“No- n-no she -hic- she…she said” I took a shaking breath, swallowing back the lump in my throat that was threatening to make a reappearance. “Why would she ever say I -hic- take after him? W- -hic- we both know that Mikey-“ I shook my head, looking out the window. “Was better at fuckin everything. He was normal.” I said quietly. 

“Carm, you are so much like him- you take after him in so many ways. The good and the bad.Other then the….the end for him, you were the same. We practically raised you, Carm, if anyone knows you its me, and it was Mike. How you’re so selfless in forgoing your own pleasures for the sake of others, your passion, Carm, your passion for your family, your passion for cooking? He missed you…but- I could tell he wanted you to just…do your own thing” she said, holding her cup in her lap and twirling the straw anxiously. 

“He knew Nat, he knew how much it h-hic-hurt me, when he fuckin…” I shook my head, closing my eyes tightly as tears pricked at the corners. 

“Bear I need you to hear me when I say this and not take it the wrong way…” she whispered and I looked at her, swallowing thickly. 

“A few months after you left…we were talking, and- he…he told me that…” she shakes her head, looking at her lap. “He told me that unless he kicked you out hard enough, you’d be too…soft to make it, like- that… that you wouldn’t be angry enough to get where you needed to go, to pull yourself up. He said that…that in the kitchen industry..you cant be so openly in love with cooking like you were…that to succeed you had to be serious about it, that it wasn’t about love, its about perfection. So he- he did that because he thought that he was helping you- but..but loving and being soft isn’t a bad thing Bear, and I wanted to fuckin wallop him over the back of the head for ever even thinking like that, but he told me…where you were going- where you were destined to go…you’d never had made it if he- if…he held your hand like he always did.” her eyes finally met mine once more.

I was just sitting there, dumbfounded, hiccups escaping my lips every so often a stears silently streamed down my cheeks. “Why does everyone except you and Winnie work like that, Natty?” I whispered after a long moment of silence. 

“Like what, Carm?” she brushes some stray tears away from my cheek. “That in order to offer help, they need to hurt me first”

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

I didn’t sleep at all that night, I didn’t even realize it was 6am until I got an alarm on my phone, alerting that Taylor would be hitting the stage in a few minutes.

She always helps me forget things for a little while. I’m so glad she’s starting her leg in Singapore, today.

 I grabbed it off the charger hitting the stop button, and rubbing my tired eyes. “ ‘Lexa - g’morning” I said ‘Good morning’ it replied, my LED lights flicking on to a warm pinky orange.

I sat up in bed, finding my remote and switching Criminal Minds out for the morning news, before grabbing my phone and opening up the live stream of her concert. Amidst everything, i’d forgotten about Swiftball completely- not even caring much. I had went numb a few hours ago, when it would have been a reasonable walk. No, Carm went home. He had to have, the only thing left here of his was his backpack, that was laying flat on the floor since everything he’d brought to wear for the night was on his person, and his pair of Levi’s, as well as one of his white shirts. 

I got up, stretching my back and listening as the lead up speech to Cruel Summer started. 

“Oh! Nǐ hǎo!” she said adorably before beginning to sing, causing me to giggle. 

“Adorable” I mutter to myself, turning around and picking up Persephone from her spot on Carm’s-

On the other side of my bed. 

And held her like a baby. “G’mornin stinky” I said and kissed her head. She looked up at me and licked my nose, causing me to scrunch it up and smile. “Tank you for kisses smoochy, where were you last night mmm? Hidin’?” I put her back down on the bed gently and stroke her tail before grabbing my phone and heading to the bathroom.

I connected to my speaker, listening to Lover play, and rolling my eyes to myself as I start the shower and began to undress. 

This therapy session is gonna be brutal. I feel it. 

Nonetheless, out of habit I hummed along. I washed my body while listening to The Archer, Deep conditioned my hair, dancing around in the shower a bit to Fearless, it really was one of my favorite songs of hers. Probably because it was one of those songs Chris and I danced to a billion times together in my room with my little hello kitty CD player my mom had gotten me as my christmas present at a garage sale one year. 

I shaved my legs to You Belong With Me, and exfoliated to Love Story, smiling as I replayed all the memories of Chris turning the volume all the way up, and sitting criss-cross on my floor, his hand over the top of the CD player, feeling the hum of the lyrics and the bass while I jumped wildly on my bed and sung my heart out like I was preforming my own personal concert. We’d listened to this album so much, and I’d signed him the lyrics so much, that by the bumping of the bass and vibration of the lyrics- he knew by memory what song was playing after a while.

By the time Look What You Made Me Do was playing, I was cutting the water off from my long luxurious shower. I was convinced I’d scrubbed every touch of him off my body, out of guilt more then anything. I swoop in his life, give him these new experiences, make him feel loved, and then clawed open his deepest wound that had barely clotted yet. 

He doesn’t deserve to heal on my timing because it would make our relationship easier on me. This is about us together, and the conversation we had was out of my own selfishness. 

I’m torn away from my swirling thoughts from the opening lines of Enchanted, rolling my eyes in annoyance, “Oh give me a fuckin’ break.” I mutter to the universe. I finished drying myself off, trying to ignore the lyrics as I slathered my lotion on. 

And now I’m pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door.. 

“No! No its a stupid song and I am not dramatic and this song isn’t even about anything like what happened shut UP brain” I rambled to myself, spraying on my Honey Bee body mist that had golden glitter in it, going out to my bedroom and opening my dresser. 

I focused on getting dressed, putting on a black T-shirt bra and panties and heading over to my closet. I pulled out one of my favorite pairs of overalls with Pooh embroidered on them, as well as a striped tan,blue, and red turtleneck sweater i’d thrifted. I slipped on the sweater, untucking my damp hair and adjusting the collar before putting on the overalls and buckling them up. 

I went back over to my dresser, pulling out some plain black ankle socks and slipping them on before grabbing my phone and heading into the bathroom. I quickly blew out my hair so my bangs wouldn’t curl up wildly, and brushed my teeth before heading out to the kitchen with Persephone on my heels as I hum along with We are Never Ever Getting Back Together  

This is the energy I need to take on for his sake. 

I sighed to myself as I took out one of my iced coffee glasses, stuffing it with ice before putting it under the coffee machine & brewing a strong latte. 

I had nothing to make for breakfast, and did not feel like going to the store- so I just decided to skip it and grab some McDonald’s on my way home from therapy later. I wandered off to my craft room, looking over various projects I’d started and contemplating what I wanted to throw myself into today. 

Something…intricate. 

I knew just the thing. I opened up the closet, pulling out the bodice mannequin that was dressed in my half done replica of Taylor’s Midnight Rain bodysuit. I had scoured google for days finding the perfect colors of beads, finding the best threads that wouldn’t snap, the best sequins. I saved up for 3 months, after my last Taylor concert- because Sadie and I agreed that we’d be watching for more Tickets to her Miami show, because it was so good when we went we had to do it again. 

I hum along to The Last Great American Dynasty as I prepared my sewing needle, getting all my beads and sequins laid out. I counted out my first group of 13 beads, sewing them in a neat row one by one, having to push up my glasses on my nose every so often. 

I only broke my trance when she started singing the first surprise song of the evening sparks fly. I gasped, standing up and watching closely, dancing around and singing along, squealing excitedly when she mixed in Gold Rush as well. 

“Oh my god those are perfect songs together!!!” I jump happily, singing along excitedly when she got to the chorus. 

“I run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild just keep on keepin’ your eyes on me it’s just wrong enough to make it feel right!! And lead me up the staircase won’t you whisper soft and slow!! I’m captivated by you baby like a firework sho-“

“Winnie?” I hear and a shriek escapes my lips in surprise. I whip around to see Carm standing in the doorway. 

“Bastard” I slap my hand over my heart, attempting to catch my breath. “Don’t fuckin’ scare me like that! Jesus I almost had a heart attack!” I said, and there was the faintest trace of a smile on his lips. 

“I did knock, sorry I guess it wasn’t loud enough.” He said. His eyes were bloodshot, nose red and raw from being rubbed. His curls were a mess of broken waves from running his hands through them so much. 

“I thought…” I turn the volume on my phone down. “I- I thought you…went home.” I said, biting the inside of my lip nervously. 

“What? No..no. I’m sorry, I- I had to think…I uh- I saw Sugar, we talked. She just dropped me off cause she has to get her kid ready for school. But I feel…better, kinda.” He releases a shaky breath. 

I nod, swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry, I’m really, sorry, Carmen. I- I shouldn’t have said any of that t’you..it doesn’t matter how I feel about Mikey and- and how I feel about how you feel about him…it was never my place to reopen that wound. And…I-“ my voice cracks, vision going blurry with tears. 

“I think I’ll only hurt you if we keep this up.” I shake my head, looking at my feet and nervously playing with my fingers. 

“No- well, maybe- maybe yeah…-“ he hesitated and swallowed thickly. 

I squeeze my eyes shut, hot tears running down my cheeks. 

Selfish. Manipulative. Horrible. You ruin everything you touch. Why are you crying- he should be the one crying. You hurt him - you selfish greedy bitch! 

I shake my head as the voices roar in my ears. 

“I mean- it was a lot all at once…baby, and it was really late, and- and we had just been so close like that for the first time in bed, and that was my first time being so close to someone in bed in general. And - I…I think I was too emotionally fucked out for that and that’s why I ran. But I want you. I want this” He said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

I look up at him, sniffling. “Y-you don’t hate me now?” I whisper, my voice shakey. 

“Honey” he said softly, stepping towards me and opening his arms. I felt pulled like a magnet, dropping my phone on my chair and curling my arms around him, nuzzling my face in his chest and inhaling the scent of cigarettes, sandalwood, cedar, the smallest touch of jasmine, but best of all the light tinge of him. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, Bear” I whisper over and over again into his shirt. He rubs my back in long soothing strokes. 

“ it’s okay baby, I’m just…I feel alot when I with you- let’s go slow with talks like that yeah?” He mumbled in to my hair and I nod slightly against his chest.

“Thank you” I said softly and look up at him, resting my chin on his sternum. 

“F’what baby?” He brushed my bangs from my eyes. 

“Not leaving me.” I whisper and he bent his neck downwards, resting his forehead on mine and looking into my eyes.  

“It’s a me thing - not a you thing- but…I’m really confused why I didn’t. I mean…that’s my MO usually, especially with girls. But…I dunno…I wanna keep trying this time, y’re different.” He squeezes my hips gently. 

I wrap my arms around his neck loosely, “kiss me?” I ask softly and he obliges. I hum satisfied at the feeling of his lips once more, swiping my tongue across his bottom lip and he opened his mouth on contact, his tongue finding mine. I tasted a tinge of iron, and he pulled away lightly when my tongue ran over his bottom lip, feeling the raw flesh. He’s been biting the fuck out of his lips.

Our noses sweetly rub together in the tender kiss, my fingers twirling a soft blonde tuft of hair between them. He pulled away after a moment, and I looked up at him.  “can we sleep baby, please” his eyes fluttered back shut, it sounded like a plea more then anything. 

“Let’s go t’sleep, Bear” I intertwined our fingers, tugging him gently to the bedroom.

I’m woken by my Apple Watch buzzing on my wrist. I groan softly, looking at it ‘therapy 1 hr.!!’ The alarm read. I hit stop, carefully untangling Carmen and I, first slowly deranging our fingers, then carefully untwisting our legs, and finally ever so gently picking up his arm and rolling out of bed slowly so as to not wake him. Poor thing has only been sleeping 6 hours and he was surely up for more than 24. 

I slipped his white tshirt off, dropping it on the bed and I went over to my desk, putting on my outfit that I’d taken off to nap. Then, I sat at my vanity, popping in my AirPods and listening to my metal playlist as I did some light simple makeup, brushing my long hair into a high ponytail, leaving my fringe out. My music goes soft, Siri reading out a notification. 

Text from Syd the Chef kid 👩🏾‍🍳🫶: place is slow cause the rain, espresso date b4 therapy?? 

I smiled to myself, grabbing my phone and quickly texting back. 

Plsss!! 🥹🫶 imu goddess. Need Syd time!!!

I got up, going and brushing my teeth before feeding Persephone her early dinner so she didn’t wake Carm asking for it if he slept through my appointment. I grabbed a piece of my Hello Kitty stationary and a pen, quickly writing. 

Went to therapy. Be back by 4:30, please lock the door if you leave (didn’t wanna wake you, you look so sweet + handsome when you’re sleeping ♡ ) x♡x♡ - Winnie♡ :) 

I quietly entered the bedroom, leaving the note on my pillow and giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead, being sure to tuck his arm into the blanket so he wouldn’t get cold and brushed his hair back before grabbing my tote and shutting the bedroom door behind me. 

I check my phone to see a new text from Syd about 5 minutes ago 

Be there in 10!

I grabbed her heels that id been long meaning to give back to her, quietly shutting the front door behind me and I went downstairs. By the time I was bouncing down the steps her blue optima was pulling up. I practically skipped over, it had been ages it felt since we last got to hang out. Syd brought me to therapy 3 times a week, she refused to take gas money, and told me that she didn’t want me dealing with surge pricing or risking the train. 

I pop open the passenger door “you’re children” I present her heels dramatically. She laughs, taking them from my hand and tossing them in the back. 

“Thank you. You only held them ransom for how many months?” She asks as I shut my door, buckling in. I laughed. 

“Mmm don’t ask you know me and time” I said, putting my tote at my feet. “I fuckin missed you bitch!!! When are those James award nominations coming out?” I ask and she looks nervous. 

“Last night” she said and I gasp 

“SYDNEY!!! Oh my god! No- don’t tell me you haven’t looked!! You’ve been working so hard!” I tap her arm excitedly. 

“I literally couldn’t bring myself to look at them that’s why I wanted to get coffee” she said putting the car in drive and turning down the main road to get on the highway. 

“Dude! With all the attention The Bear has gotten since you opened last year, and like - what is it- four of the five most popular dishes are all yours!!! Bitch- Carmen should be scared! You are coming for his neck!” I laughed and she shakes her head, smiling wide. 

“I know..I know..but still like..” she sighs a bit “what if it’s like it was last year…what if- like…what if they just see our success as his success..he totally deserved all the awards last year, but- that to me is all the more reason for the voting panel to hand it to him. And he’s been on like 2 podcast interviews…and he has like a whole fandom online.” She said and I grab her hand that was moving as she spoke, squeezing gently. 

“Syd..Carmen isn’t a new chef- he’s already won that last year, sure he can take outstanding chef, if he’s nominated. But…” I swallow thickly. “I- I know Carm is amazing but like- cmon…Syd. You’ve been…the star of that restaurant now, the whole time you’ve been open. Carm is the handsome face that’s been media trained, yes we both know he’s a crazy genius chef mastermind- but - so are you! You’re younger then he is, and I have no doubt you’re nominated for something this year. Yeah, Carmy is getting the bear out there on social media by bein all sexy and stuff in interviews- but you are the one that’s being interviewed like weekly by those blogs and magazines” I said and her smile returns. 

“You’re right, you’re totally right. Totally. Carmen can’t be nominated for emerging chef again, he already won it.” She squeezed my hand gently. 

“Speaking of Carmen.” She eyes me through the rear view mirror. “Spill.” She said and I bit my lip, looking out the window as I played with my fingers nervously.  “Okay. What happened.” She demands, turning the radio lower. 

“I’m a idiot is what happened” I said embarrassed and pick at balls of lint on the inside of my sleeve. 

“Okay and this is becauseeee…” she drawls, waiting for me to continue. 

“Because I thought it’d be a good idea to try and help him realize that the reason things went the way they did with Mikey per his sister was because it sounded like Mikey was ashamed of his own skill set because of how talented Carmy was from so young, and he instead of being honest about it- took more of a tough- er- really icey love approach, and just - froze him out. Like threw him in the middle of the ocean to drown without his help for the first time and left him there. Because he thought it would make him tough. But it really just fuckin wounded him emotionally and Mikey had alot of guilt about that and - “ she interrupts my rambling. 

“Dude-“ she chuckles in shock. “Dude….you said that?!” She looks at me for a short second before looking back at the road. 

“Well- n-yeah? Something similar I guess in the moment when he’s looking at me with his sad blue puppy eyes I had a hard fuckin’ time getting anything coherent out. So he flipped his shit and had a panic attack and ran off to go see sugar I guess and then came back at like 7 am and told me he still wants to be with me then knocked out and was sleeping still when I left.” I said and she raised her eyebrows, thinking for a moment. 

“Hmm..well- I’m surprised he came back. He said that? Those words? Tell me exactly what he said when he came back.” She said and I roll my eyes. 

“Why are you the Carmy whisperer or something?” I huff lightly “he said like- ‘It was a lot at once baby it was late and we just fucked like that for the first time and I’ve never been so close to someone while I fucked them and I was too emotionally drained and that’s why I ran but I want you I want this’ “ I paraphrase from memory as best I could. 

“Holy shit what did you do to him?!” She teases with a giggle causing me to start laughing too. 

“What? What the hell do you mean!!” I tap her arm playfully. 

“I’ve never heard Carmen say he wants something emotionally unless it had to do with the restaurant. He doesn’t give a fuck about anything. So…hm…maybe- maybe this is good for him” she said the end to herself more than anything. 

I raised my eyebrows “should I be offended you thought I’d be bad for him?!” I cross my arms and she laughs. 

“You? No. God no. I say that because I knew you were good for him- but I thought he was gonna run himself ragged dodging his own feelings while simultaneously doing everything he can to make you fall for him and keep you interested just like he did to me. But hey- I’m happy genuinely, Pooh that you’re getting out there again. But…fair warning- when he starts acting like an asshole- and he has periods where he’s fully a fucking asshole, I swear it’s like a fuckin’ man period- know that you are gonna be the one we’re calling to get a leash on him cause the only time he acts okay about everything going on is after he sees you.” She said and I felt my cheeks heat. 

Did I really affect his attitude that much?!   “Spray ‘em with a spray bottle, it works on Sephy, he’s very cat-like so I assume it’ll work on him.” I said, and we both laughed.

“Oh my god you never skipped school?!” I asked Syd as we walked up the sidewalk to the coffee shop. 

“My dad would have killed me probably. What did you even do?” She asked and I laugh at all the memories. 

“Oh my god so, in high school- we uh…don’t talk anymore but - my best friend her name was Jane and she had a car first, so we in sophomore year during lunch would go eat out in her car and then…usually I would convince her to skip with me, cause I’m such a devil” 

She snorts a laugh “Fits” she opens the door to the coffee shop for me. 

“Why thank you, but anyway we would like usually drive around and blast music. Or we’d go to my house since my mom was never home and watch movies. And then Chris would get home and we’d fight about him giving me his notes since we were always in the same classes, and he’d tell me I was a fucking cheater - his favorite word.” I laugh a bit, getting in line with her. 

“It sounds like Chris and I would’ve been friends, that’s a cute story though. I always wished I had a sibling.” She said as she looked over the menu. 

“No singletons always say that, but you’d hate a sibling. Think Sadie how she’s all up in your shit, but from the day you were born” I giggle and she shook her head with a smile. 

“Yeah but I dunno. Sugar is super sweet, I wish I had a sister, but I guess Sadie’s close enough” she shrugged, stepping up with me in line. 

“What are you getting?” I asked, looking over the iced options. 

“Vietnamese iced coffee. They do it perfect here. I’ve been telling Carm it would do well on the dessert menu if we had one but, who am I to tell him what to add “ she mutters to herself, annoyance slightly lacing her voice and I nudge her with my hip. 

“Hey,” I nudge her with my hip, causing her to look at me. “He’s a man. He may be a genius chef, but he’s still, a man- make him think it’s his idea, Syd. Do your Sydney chef kid magic “ I did sparkle fingers for added effect, finally earning her dimples back. “Make the best fuckin Vietnamese iced coffee, and have someone else try it. Make him feel left out. And they’ll obviously be like ‘oh my god Syd, this is amazing’ and then, he’s gonna feel stupid if he doesn’t add it.” I said and she rolls her eyes amusedly. 

“I think you’re the Carmen whisperer. Well, you’ll be certified if that works” she said with a smile as we step up to the counter. 

“Hey there, can I have a name for the order?” The barista asked. 

“Winnie!” I replied before Syd could try to weasel her way into paying - again.   

“Ha! Fitting name, love the overalls. What can I get for you?” the barista chirped with a smile. 

“May we please have 2 large Vietnamese iced coffees, oh- and…” my eyes settled on the pastry case in front of us, a brown wicker basket on top filled with cookies in the shape of little bears. 

I grabbed one, handing it to her. “This.” I said and she nodded, putting in the order in her till. 

I double clicked my power button and quickly waved my phone over the till before Syd could think to and she nudged me with her shoulder causing me to smile. “Woops” I teased, taking the bag from the barista containing the little cookie for Carm. 

“You ladies can wait there at the end of the bar there we’ll call out your order, have a good one” she said. 

I nodded “thank you!” I said as we made our way down to the end of the counter to wait. 

“The second I saw those cookies I knew your mushy ass was getting one” she teased, leaning her hip against the counter and crossing her arms over her chest with a smug smirk. 

“Oh like you didn’t know I’m a hopeless romantic” I smiled. 

It wasn’t long until we got our coffees and sat at a comfy corner table. “I’ve never had this before- what is the white is it milk?” I asked and she nods, stirring hers with her straw. 

“It’s sweetened condensed milk. It sounds like it would be sickly sweet but the coffee is so strong it balances perfect. I was thinking…” she leans in so no one would hear. “If we did it, I’ll do like lavender in the milk, of course we’d make our own condensed milk, so I’d steep lavender in it before. Wouldn’t that be fire?!” She asked and I nod with a big smile. 

“You are so fuckin smart, Syd. That sounds amazing you’ll have all the witchy bitches me included coming by just to get that I bet” I stirred mine up and took a sip, nodding. “Totally something you guys would sell” I said and she smiled. I grabbed my phone, opening up the camera. “Smileee!” I said she gave me a silly smile and a thumbs up, coffee foam covering her top lip.

“Perfect” I giggled, sending it to Sadie with the caption ‘Our fave chef kid’ 

I put my phone down and look at her “Okay! You’re not denying me the pleasure of celebrating you any longer- take out your phone and let’s see if you’re nominated!!!” I urge and she bites her lip nervously, grabbing her phone, unlocking it, and setting it on the table. 

“If I got nominated I’ll have an email…you do it- I can’t look. I can’t” she pushes her phone towards me and I eagerly grab it, opening up her email and refreshing it. I smiled wide when I saw the words, clicking open the email and clearing my throat before reading 

‘Dear Chef de Cuisine; Sydney Adamu, 

We hope this email finds you well. 

The James Beard Foundation 2024 Awards Committee would like to extend their congratulations on such a fine year of culinary accomplishments. Your passion to the culinary arts, and dedication to our personal mission at TJBF to celebrate, support, and elevate the standards behind America’s food culture- doesn’t go unrecognized. 

This is why you have been nominated for the for the following awards;

Outstanding Chef ‘

I jump up, wrapping my arms around her with a wide smile, tears pricking behind my eyes. “Syd!!! You did it. You did it. I knew you would” I squeeze her tight. 

“Holy fuck” she grabs the phone, and I watch as she rereads the words over and over “holy fuck.” She whispers, jaw dropped. 

“I told you bitch!! Look at herrr okay!! Syd the chef kid! Everyone better watch out! You skipped right past emerging chef and went straight for the big one! Oh my god I can’t wait for you to tell Sadie!! Oh my god we need to celebrate!!” I pat her arm excitedly. 

“Wait-“ she said, scrolling further I quickly read the rest of the email, my heart sinking slightly when I saw the paragraph she was now stuck on. 

‘You have been nominated among 4 other extraordinary, and talented Chefs in the industry; 

Berzatto, Carmen (Executive Chef) 

Cantina, Jose (Executive Chef) 

Donner, Phillip (Executive Chef) 

Nixon, Jessica (Executive Chef) ‘

“So- they just fuckin’ nominated me against people that are all my senior? Are they joking” she laughs dryly. “And then to pit me against Carmen? What is wrong with them, Winnie?” She locked her phone, putting it back in her jacket pocket. “I just- I’d rather they had given me a fair chance. This just feels like they’re telling me straight up they won’t pick me.”  

“Syd - don’t get down on yourself, what if they put you in there because you’re the only Chef-de-fancypants that deserved it, hmm?” I said with a small smile and she snorts at the silly name. 

“That’d be a long shot…but thanks” she said, squeezing my hand gently. “C'mon- we have to get you to therapy and I need to get back. I should be working on recipes” she said and my frown returns. 

In this way, her and Carm were exactly the same. Whenever she was upset with herself she threw herself into her work instead of feeling. 

“Alright…” I said softly and got up, putting the brown paper bag containing Carm’s cookie in my tote carefully so it wouldn’t be crushed, standing up. 

The walk back to the car was silent, I could tell she was beating herself up and I hated it. 

“Y’know…it’s crazy you even got nominated so young, Syd. Everyone else on that list is at least 3 years older than you are…so like- they see you as deserving already, but it doesn’t even matter what they think, or what Carmen thinks, or what I think. You’re deserving because you know how much you put into your work.” I told her once we were driving again. 

She nodded, “thank you…really it means a lot. I know I’m deserving, I just wish sometimes other people would see it.” She said, and my heart ached. We listened to SZA the whole way, I decided it was better not to push her on the issue. I’d long since realized Syd was the kind of person who had to stew in her anger or hurt for a while, alone- so she was comfortable explaining it to someone else since she knew it like the back of her hand. It was alot how she did her work, she would never show anyone any new recipe she was working on - even Carm - unless she felt it was already deserving of a spot on the menu, because she knew the dish so well, and any possible thing that could make it better- and only approaches someone for final tweaks. 

When we stopped at the Doctors office I lean over and give her a hug. “It’s all gonna be ok, Kid. I love you, i’ll see you friday” I said softly into her shoulder and she rests her head on mine, hugging me close. 

“Thanks…Love y’too. It will be…” she said softly into my shoulder and I pulled away. 

“And I expect you’ll send me that new article to check out when they send it to you yeah? You looked so gorgeous in the pictures they took. Really, I cant wait to see the whole thing” I said and she nodded with a small smile. 

“Course Pooh, C’mon-” she taps the clock that read 1:54 “Gonna be late” she said and I rolled my eyes playfully.

“Yes Mommy” I teased, pushing the door open. “Later kid!” I said as I swung it shut and head in to the building.

Time to rip open some unhealed wounds! Oh what a joy.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

[daydreamgoddess14]

Aspirations pt. 3

Sydcarmy Masterlist

Full Masterlist

I couldn't decide whether to make this spicy or not, but the Internet has spoken and we're in for more longing and burning baby!

~~~~~

“Last plate of the afternoon. Can I get hands, please?” Syd called out, marking off the paper in front of her. The main kitchen was already being cleared down between service, the radio playing softly so as not to disturb the guests. Richie came and took the plate,

“I need you to help me with something, I’ll be back.” He tapped the countertop as he went back to the restaurant and returned a few minutes later.

“I’m not recording a Tik Tok with you.” She muttered, concentrating on looking through the daytime orders. Somewhere next to Carmy, Tina laughed,

“Richie honey watching you Tik Tok made my fuckin’ night last week!”

“Well then T, you can help Richie Tik Tok,” Syd grinned, “Unless Carm, you wanna -”

“Not me Chef, I’ve got plans with Claire.”

“Sure? Richie can make you a star, baby.” Syd offered, quickly throwing up some faux jazz hands to disguise the Freudian slip.

“I wanna do more expo.” He said quietly while the rest of the kitchen went back to their own tasks. “I think it’s time. We’ve settled in and we fuckin' killed it on family night.” She looked up from her notes and looked across, Carmy was already watching their interaction, she noted the imperceptible nod. She covered Richie’s hand with her own and squeezed it.

“You got it, Chef. Can we start next week?” He smiled with relief and threw his arms around her,

“Fuckin’ perfect. Thanks Syd.” She squealed as he lifted her higher off the ground than Tina usually did. 

“Ok guys, you’ve got Carmy looking after you all tonight, I am done for the day. Let’s get cleaned up and get you a decent break.” They cleared up quickly, checked the stocks for the evening and went through the bookings with Richie over coffees,

“You’re not even here tonight, you don’t need to stay for this.”

“Sure I do. Besides, I’m a lightweight. If I go to your sister’s now I’ll be drunk and asleep by like, 6 pm.”

“Great sleep though,” Richie pointed out, Syd laughed in agreement. “We got this, you go.” She looked between the two of them once more for confirmation.

“If you’re sure? Still good for tomorrow, Carm?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there early,” Richie’s phone rang and he moved away to take the call with a wave goodbye to Syd. “Have a good night.” Carmy told her, walking her to the door.

“Thanks. Enjoy your plans with Claire.” She saw the hesitation in his eyes briefly, “You good?” He held open the door and stepped out with her onto the sidewalk.

“Yeah, no I’m good. Things are just… something’s not right and I don’t know if it’s me or -” He paced in front of her, taking a cigarette from his pocket and lighting up. “S’just fuckin’ weird.” Syd frowned, “I’m not sure it’s working the way I think she wants it to fucking work. I feel like I’m giving this place my full attention - giving you my full attention - but it means I’m fucking things up with her.” She reached out to put a hand on his arm and stop his pacing, standing closely to him.

“So talk to her? The only way you’re gonna know is if you ask?” He looked worried,

“Yeah. Yeah I will.”

"So umm… probably should talk about last week?" He looked up sharply, "you kissed me?"

"Yeah… I did. I did do that."

"You did do that," she took a small step back, the scent of sandalwood and citrus too overwhelming and his eyes just too fucking blue. "Why did you do that?"

"Uhh I think a reflex thing? Like, we're all very tactile in there and I dunno… I knew you were worried."

“So you just gave me something else to worry about?" She rolled her eyes. "Look, you sure you don’t want me to stay? I can stay, Nat won’t mind.”

“You should go. Take a night off, have some fun.” He said firmly, "and I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Next time I’ll hug you or call you a jagoff like everyone else."

“Ok. Ok. Well, call me - preferably not a jagoff, just if you need anything. Just call me.” She gently gripped his warm arm with her cold, air-chilled hands.

“Your hands are cold.” He murmured.

“Hmm. Cold hands, warm heart.” She countered with a smile. “See you tomorrow.”

*

“I just worry that he’s dating her because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, not because he actually wants to, y’know? If he wanted out, he had the perfect opportunity but now it's like 4 months later and…” Nat said, topping up the glasses, “and that’s not fair because she’s super nice, and you don’t want to accidentally find out you’re second best, right?”

“But second best to the restaurant is different, it’s literally your livelihood - mine too? Without it, we’d all be fucked so we all need it to work.”

“Yeah, so if he’s not happy with Claire then he needs to do the right thing and let it end.”

“Well that would require having an actual conversation,” Syd pointed out.

“He’s capable of that - he talks to me more now.” She paused, glass halfway to her mouth, “he talks to you constantly.”

“About work stuff.” Nat raised an eyebrow but didn’t push any further. Syd fell silent and looked at her phone. They would have finished service by now, she hadn’t heard from anyone all evening. "He kissed me." She admitted suddenly, the glass in Nat's hand nearly tipping over. 

"I'm sorry, repeat?"

"Last week. He was about to go to the thing with Rich and it was like, 'gotta go, see ya' random kiss, and then he was gone."

"Like on the cheek?" Syd shook her head, she could feel the heat on her cheeks. "And then what?"

"And then we ignored it for a week. I brought it up just before I left today." Nat snorted, “I know, I know, bad timing. He said it was like a reflex thing. Like we’re a super tactile workplace and I think he thought it would make me feel better?”

“We are weirdly tactile. I found Gary and Neil feeding each other last week. Like, swap plates guys - it’s not that difficult! Did it make you feel better?”

“No. Yes. I’m not sure. I think so? It didn’t freak me out as much as I expected.”

“That’s a good thing?”

“Yeah, I mean, he said it won’t happen again. So long as we don’t go full Fak and make things weird…”

“Exactly, one Neil Fak is enough for us. And you don’t think about dating. Or not dating? Hooking up? Not with Carm, obviously.”

“Oh - obviously! I don’t have time for that mess. I don’t like hookups but I don’t have time to get to know someone either. Kinda limits my scope to the restaurant and our suppliers.” She laughed.

“Didn’t Marcus ask you out?”

“Once. He’s a sweetheart, but he’s like my brother.”

“And there’s no one else?” Nat pried.

“Why are you so keen to find out?” 

“I just think you should have some fun. Stress relief.” Syd snorted,

“I barely have time for sleep, you think I want to interrupt sleeping hours for sex?!”

“If that’s your biggest concern, I think you might have forgotten how good sex can be.” Nat laughed.

“Well that’s certainly fucking true.” There was a gentle knock at the front door and Pete appeared from the den to answer it. As if his ears had been burning, Carmy stood on the doorstep with arms full of grocery bags, most of which Pete took from him. 

“You know it’s not morning yet, right?” Nat asked.

“I just got off work, thought I’d come and… be here instead?”

“For girls night?”

“I can hang out with Pete. Hey Syd, you missed a great service.” Natalie smiled and moved away from prying into why he was there.

“Ok honey. I mean, you’ll have to fight over the bed, and I’m pretty sure Syd already claimed it.” She warned.

“I can take the couch.” They both said at the same time. Syd, three (large) glasses of wine deep, laughed. He followed Pete to the kitchen with the final bag of groceries as Nat turned back to Syd,

“Do you think they had a fight?” She hissed, Syd shrugged, watching the kitchen with a frown. He didn’t come back out. They heard quiet conversation while Pete opened two beers and moved on to Syd describing the plans for the festive menu and the things they intended on having her test out the following day. Once Nat had spent more time yawning into her glass than drinking from it, they decided to call it a night. 

“I’ll take the couch.” Carmy told her as she put their glasses in the dishwasher,

“No need, give me like 5 minutes and I’ll be comatose. It’s fine, we’re both adults, right?”

“Sometimes,” he smiled. “If you’re sure?” 

“Totally fine. Just don’t wake me up when you come in.”

“Sure, I’m nearly done with Pete anyway.” Carmy had been making the effort Natalie had always wanted him to with his brother-in-law. Syd trailed up the stairs after Nat, the blonde hugged her outside the guest bedroom and slipped quietly into her own room where baby Mikey was sleeping. Syd pulled on sleep shorts and a t-shirt, wrapped her braids in a silk scarf, and took her usual side of the bed - the left. She’d no idea whether she’d taken the side Carmy would have preferred. You snooze, you lose, she decided. She put her phone on charge and switched off the lamp beside the bed. A soft light from the bathroom mirror provided enough light to see by, but it wasn’t enough to stop her from falling into a light, dreamless sleep almost immediately. She knew she wasn’t fully asleep, she heard Carmy come upstairs and close the door behind him. Heard him kick off his jeans and felt the cool air as he moved the comforter to slide into the bed beside her. “You awake?” He whispered, barely audible. She didn’t respond, she had heard but she wasn’t awake enough to consider answering, and the sound of his deep breaths as he fell asleep had her falling deeper and deeper into much needed sleep. 

*

She could hear the very faint snuffles of baby Mikey in the next room. It wasn’t light enough to be morning but as it was still dark she had no intention of finding her phone to check the time. It could have been anywhere between one and ten hours since she'd fallen asleep. She was far too warm and comfortable to care. She sighed deeply and shifted slightly. The hand on her back moved down a little and the knees either side of hers moved further apart to free her leg and let her roll further over. She was mostly on her stomach but her stomach and the rest of her body from head to toe was pressed up against another body. Her whole right leg tucked between his, her right arm slung low across his stomach and her head fit neatly in the crook of his neck. Carmy. She could feel the sleepiness slipping away as the reality of where she was and how she was laying dawned on her. She hadn’t disturbed him though, his chest rose and fell deeply. She couldn’t look at him without moving, and she couldn’t move without waking him, so she stayed perfectly still. His warmth and the hand tracing gentle patterns on the small of her back lulled her back into a light sleep. Her hand on his stomach dragged a sleepy path up his chest to rest on his heart, and in his sleep, he moved further down the bed to hold her tighter. The next time she stirred, it was still dark. She'd turned in the night onto her right, no longer sprawling half of her body across Carmy. He'd followed her in his sleep, curved his body around hers instead, legs slotted together perfectly and his chest against her back. He'd had a hand on her hip, but it was the movement of fabric as his arm moved over her stomach to pull her closer that had woken her. He shuffled closer and his breath caught just behind her ear, and she felt the smallest of kisses in the dip of her neck. It made her whole body shiver and her back curve, trying, trying to get even closer to him. She can pinpoint the moment he properly wakes up. His breath halts just slightly and he moves - not letting go fully - but she suspects it’s just far enough to assess how much shit he’s in. To work out where his hands are and how quickly he needs to move them. The second he realizes his hand is under her t-shirt and resting on the soft skin of her stomach, he pulls it away like he’s been burned and moves away completely.

“Is it morning?” She asked quietly, turning to face him.

“Uhh, I think early?” He guesses.

“Hmm. Back to sleep then.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll get back to sleep.”

“You should.”

“Believe me, that’s the best I’ve slept in a very long fuckin’ time. I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s true.” He turned on his side to face her, lying almost nose to nose. 

“You need to relax more.” She told him. 

“You need to take your own advice.” She could hear the smile in his voice.

“Oh shit, sorry, we’re not actually talking about me right now soooo… take that point up another time.” She reached through the comforter to push him onto his back. “Lay back, close your eyes.” She tucked herself against him as she had been when she’d woken much earlier in the night. She felt his tentative hand on her back, “this ok?” She asked quietly,

“Yeah.”

“Good. Relax, breathe like me.” She took a couple of deep breaths, certain though that her pounding heart was most likely betraying her. She put her hand to cover his heart over his t-shirt and he moved his to intertwine their fingers. “Your heart is racing.” She muttered, "you good?"

"Perfect." His voice was low and drowsy, like he was fighting sleep again already. She kept up the deep breaths until they were both deep asleep again. 

 

*

 

She could hear Nat pacing with the baby. She can't have been asleep very long, she was still tangled in Carmy's arms as he slept on. She managed to slip out of his embrace to the bathroom and put on the sweater he'd been wearing the previous evening. She knocked softly on Nat's door and held out her arms for the baby, 

"Go back to sleep for a while, I'll take him downstairs." She whispered. Nat looked as if she could kiss her. 

"Thank you. That was his 6am feed so I'll be down before he's hungry again." She cupped his chubby cheek as he snuggled into his uncle's sweater, and then did the same to Syd. "Thank you so much." She said again, climbing back into bed alongside Pete who snored gently. Syd crept downstairs with the baby, found the coffee and put some music on. Pete came down first, which was a surprise. She was fairly certain Carmy didn't sleep past 7am ever. Pete took over making coffee while Syd danced with Mikey. 

"Hey, have you seen my -" Carmy came through looking around and stopped when he saw Syd, "nevermind."

"Oh sorry man, your sweater. You want it? I can borrow one from Nat?"

"S'ok, keep it. Looks like Mikey likes it too." The baby cooed and gripped it in his tiny hands. 

"Coffees all 'round," Pete grinned, "I've never seen Nat so grateful for an extra hour of sleep. I'm just gonna take this up to her - she can actually drink it hot for once!" Carmy pried Mikey from Syd's arms and sat at the table, 

"Looks like you can send all Berzatto's to sleep?" 

"Y'know, I'm gonna take that as the compliment I'm sure you meant it as, and not the way it sounded." She grumbled, "and I'm also sure you meant to follow it up with 'thanks, Syd. I've literally never slept like that in my whole life'?" She stood next to his chair, leaning against the table. 

"Thanks, Syd. I've literally never slept like that in my whole life." He smiled. 

"Good morning. Well, isn't this cozy?!" Nat came in with her coffee cup and a wide grin.

~~~~~

[hourglassfish]

On Season 1, Episode 7 : Part One : I Expect More: Syd and Carmy's Relationship

So I think this is gonna end up being in a few chunks - I think I want to talk about context leading up to the episode:

I Expect More: Syd and Carmy's relationship,

I know you'll be listening: Marcus, McDonald's and Freedom

Risottogate

Hiring New Fucking Broads: Syd, Richie and conflict;

"That's Not You" The Moment Syd Walks Out

So I'm late on this obvs - and I'm sure the whole world and his dog has already said what needs to be said about this episode, but I wanted to think about it anyway. There's a post on here somewhere that says that episode 7 doesn't have a three act structure, that it captures a moment of stress and tension, and that's it - but this isn't quite how I read it, I believe that it does both. How obvious this is all depends on how you frame it.

There's a central feint to The Bear that I come back to often - that you think 'a stranger comes to town' and that that stranger is the return of Carmy, made strange by his time away. Nah! The stranger is Sydney. The show doesn't really start until she arrives, (we know that Carmy's been in Chicago for two weeks, but our story doesn’t start there. There's a reason for this!) she is a force that is shaking things up and providing dynamism. This is not to say Carmy isn't the protagonist, obvs, nor that he is passive, very much not. But it is often her presence, her drive and determination and belief in Carmy, a belief she is unafraid to unabashedly express, which moves him, and moves everyone around him. When she is around, and Carmy lets himself lean into their connection, he is able to articulate - and action - what he wants, to ‘let it rip’.

I say this in relation to episode 7, cus if your focus is Carmy, then it's one minute in time, a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. But if you focus in on Sydney, it is the story of how she came to quit. Whenever someone is like 'She's a brat! She's arrogant! it was her fault!' - I'm like OK sure - if you want to completely identify with Carmy at his worst, we can do that, and if you want to ignore how the rest of the staff respond to what happens, sure, we can do that too. We can do that. But the show is really clear on the framing of what happens.

So let's begin with the context of where this day comes from.

There is an ambiguity to Carmy and Sydney's working relationship which very much works in his favour. Very much.

In the week that she staged, Syd quickly finds herself as sous, because she has to. The kitchen is not functioning, and Carmy does not have the emotional skills, or at least the emotional bandwidth, to navigate the grief and anger and dysfunction they are all engaged in, to get the kitchen to a place where it can work. There was a reason Kitchen Nightmares made such compelling TV, and it was because behind bad food, ugly decor and terrible profit margins were almost always a bunch of people that were hurting. Carmy may be Gordon Ramsay here, but its Syd who's the hard working, behind the scenes producer, doing the actual graft that pulls it all back together.

She then spent her time away from work essentially formulating a business plan (she proposes first! way before 1:8) to make the restaurant profitable. We know Carmy is bad at this. Richie articulates as much ; 'you've been here two weeks and we've had money problems for two weeks'. Sydney's able to not only see the problems in a week but also suggest practical fixes. This is where they overspend i.e. its the delivery on the flour, not the material itself - and this is how to fix it - Marcus drives to pick it up. Instantly actionable. She has skills from Sheridan that are better suited to running a business like the Beef than the skills and tastes that Carm has from being Chef De Carmy* at Eleven Madison Park or Noma. It will never not be funny to me that she presents this to him in episode 2, and that in episode 3 he says 'I'll dial business, you do everything else' - my guy she has already done it!!! You are not slick!

She's does a lot of the emotional labour of getting the brigade into shape: the shitty, endless nagging, being the bad (or at least annoying) guy over and over again, despite clearly being one of the youngest there, and the newest member of staff. She does this without the authority of being an owner, or a member of the family. I'm gonna try and avoid referring to gender and race explicitly here - like the show does, LOL - but like... it's there. We all know it's there.

We know she is brilliant in a crisis: in Sheridan Carmy tells her they can't afford to lose a single service, so when the electricity goes and the gas goes, she sets up a fucking BBQ from found building materials outside. It's kind of incredible, and they all know and acknowledge it. (Sheridan, Review and The Bear are three different stories of crisis management, and thinking about them that way is really useful)

She is in! 100%. All of her energy and creativity and care and patience have gone into The Bear, it flourishes under the love that is still looking for a home following Sheridan Road’s demise. They are fucking so lucky to have her, and to have her at this specific moment in time.

What exactly does she get back from Carmy for that? There's her wage, of course. She's working well beyond what she's being paid, but you know, it's her job. There's a bunch of stuff we could say about the satisfaction of doing a job well - but that's not what she gets from him.

She supposedly gets a boss that listens to her, she gets to not have some psycho stood behind her pushing and screaming. But this is conditional. He may not scream at her (up until episode 7) but he'll 'cut her down to size' if he needs to - the conversation about stock/jus/demi-glace in episode 3, mentioning that he sought out references and slapping her with a bunch of unanticipated feedback from all her former employers when he essentially wants her to shut up about the risotto/short rib, lots of co-ercive 'are we good chef?' business (straight out of the Donna playbook, I am not, and I cannot emphasise this enough, a fan).

The main thing she gets is to be close to him and learn from him, which we know was really important for her. I think he knows it too. JAW plays it as though he knows she lied about coming to the Beef every Sunday. She’s up front on knowing who he is, so it’s not a stretch to believe that he also knows that she's there for him. She plays her cards close to her chest on all this for a reason: that same admiration has the potential to set up a very specific power dynamic, one where she simply wants to be in the presence of his 'greatness'. ***

That's the exchange, for so, so, so much labour. It's not really equitable, and I think this is a tension throughout the show**, and why I'm never fully on board with sydcarmy stuff, even whilst being able to see the vision. Like... you should be staring at her with adoration, fam, and you should be fucking terrified that she’ll leave! She's carrying a lot of this shit! Carmy knows that, even if you don’t! You don’t make an offer like the one at the end of S1 unless you really want to hold on to that person - be that romantic, platonic, or purely pragmatic (she’s a good worker). In Hands he explicitly tells her that it’s much more work than he can pay her for.

(I'm still quietly horrified by the fact that Syd is deferring her wages for six months... but not getting a profit share? fam. FAM! Looked at through a race and gender lens? In Chicago? It is no coincidence that the people that most explicitly tells her to be cautious are her father and another Black woman)

I want to make sure I've clearly said that none of this is intended as a blistering criticism of Carmy. I feel immense sympathy for him. He is grieving, and having arrived late*****, he has missed much of the communal grieving processes, like funerals, and sorting through people's stuff, that people really need to do together. He's absolutely burnt out and the role he is in requires a skill set he does not yet have (it is poignant that Syd is like ‘why are you buying farmer’s market produce?’ - Tina is right to point out that it’s not Noma, Richie and Michael’s system will have had its strengths). I'm not sure if anyone at The Beef truly knows the extent of his panic/anxiety, nor do I think he is getting treatment. I imagine he must be in flight/fight mode 24 hours a day, which, as anyone who has experienced this knows, feels like you're literally about to die. Always. Always. We are not designed to feel like that for so long.

I don't think he's some machiavellian mastermind extracting her labour from her. I think she is a lifeline and he clings. She offers, and he takes. We know from 2:9 's panic attack, that her seeing him, really, truly, *seeing* him was a deeply meaningful moment for him, that her making the choice to be at the Beef with him before she truly knew him was affirmative and transformative, and her staying, even after watching Richie bully and undermine him, even more so. I rewatched Hands today, and when she hands him the portfolio and tells him he needs help… his little face! Carmy is moving from crisis to crisis, but Syd’s head is just a little bit above the parapet, and she can think differently. He needs that, and no one deserves to feel alone with all the problems he is carrying with The Beef.

That said, I also think he can buy into his own hype, (it’s a good thing, that your sister doesn’t think you’re a genius fam), enjoys when Syd buys into it too and struggles when she does not. This is understandable. The only other person who really understands his success is Pete, who is bottom of the pecking order. He got very successful, very young. He worked hard for that but he also has the expected ego (we’ll return to this!) regardless of the fact that he is a decent guy. Syd is often negotiating this ego. He listens to her, depends on her and needs her, but he also gets to hold her to his unspecific 'higher standard',**** and 'expect more' when they clash or disagree, to wield small mistakes over her like a thunderstorm, to remind her that they both come from a cooking world where abuse is casual and accepted in pursuit of excellence.

This lack of clarity is such a fertile breeding ground for abuse. When you live in a society that is built on abusive dynamics, abuse isn't something that only evil monsters do, it's a clear and constant danger that anyone can slip into at any moment in time. That is why clear, well communicated boundaries are so important.

Everything that happens in episode 7 is a result of this messiness that has been coalescing around The Beef from the start of the series. The ambiguity of this specific dynamic, so central to the restaurant and the show itself, is one of the cornerstones of that.

Carmy can change up the dynamic of their relationship at any moment. He can be her 'mentor' when he wants to cut her down to size, he can be her 'partner' when he needs work from her, he can be a romantic and sensitive 'friend' (that looks like Jeremy Allen White) when he needs her to stay. She can never quite find her feet.

In episode 7, their dynamic changes multiple times. Are they going to be partners that solve this problem together? She tries for that, but she is swiftly, and brutally, ejected from the expo, a role that she has been in pretty much consistently, since the moment she gets the job. The team defers to her, as they've become used to, right up until the moment he screams at her to move. As in Brigade, with the stock, she is being humiliated again.

Will he be her friend, with their connection being the motor for everything else? Ehhhhn, she tries twice to talk about his clear frustration about the risotto review, he is it not having it!

Perhaps he will be her mentor here, who will model best practice in the face of a crisis they deal with together? Well… he certainly models something.

The pre order option being left on is a small mistake. Easily done, a box was ticked or unticked. Small, like leaving a packet of cigarettes near a burner while you scrub the floor, or spilling a bottle of Xanax in a children’s drinks cooler. Much less dangerous too. An easy mistake to make, and the show as a whole is very permissive about mistake making. A huge part of Uncle Jimmy’s narrative role is to make it so that mistakes don’t really stick! The show does not punish fucking up.

Maybe if they had gotten Richie set up on the tablet earlier, they'd have noticed it then. Maybe if Carmy, who was ‘dialling business’ while Syd did everything else had been training Richie, he would have clocked it instead. We’ll never know. What we do know is that there is no perspective around this, Syd’s mistake, and that when the time comes to solve it, both men ignores the skills that they know she has, and dismiss the good faith she should have accrued from months of dedication. Any warmth, respect, gratitude and care that Carmy has had for Syd up until this point dissipates, almost instantly. It's a deeply destabilising moment for the whole kitchen, but for their relationship especially.

It's hard to say much more without referring to the next sections. So...

More next time!

*I know it's Chef De Cuisine, but Chef De Carmy or Carmy De Cusine is more fun to say

**and in a bunch of work places, tbh, where a white male 'genius' is surrounded by a group of POC and women working their arses off while him and his mates dip in and out... OH NO I WENT THERE

*** I think this drives a lot of Carmy's absenteeism as well. It's weird to watch season one post season two, and see how often the team is split, for good and bad reasons. In Hands, Syd and Richie are both doing Carmy's head in, and he jumps at the chance to send them to get caulk. There’s the infamous Al Anon run in Brigade, followed by him sort of lolling about in the office (I know he’s bookkeeping), in Sheridan he does the meat run to Nat/Pete's, in Dogs they're doing the kids bday party, in Ceres for a large chunk of the day he's in the office... it's not the same as his abandoning of Syd with the menu, but you can see how scattered he is from day one, between the demands of the Beef and the demands of his family. I dunno how Michael did it, tbh. Well he couldn't, could he. That's the tragedy.

**** truly cringe to listen to a white man tell a Black woman he holds her to a different standard, as though the world is not already doing that to her. I remain, a sydcarmy safe space but ooooof. I dunno. Like I don’t need or want the Shonda ‘twice as hard, half as much’ speech to be in the show, but the women, especially the WOC, in this show don’t half put up with some shit.

***** convinced this will be a plot point next season, btw. There will be a reason why he wasn’t there and it’ll come up around Marcus’s mom’s funeral, or palliative care.

[lyntonier]

A train to Paris

Carmen Sandiego x Gray Calloway

Summary: Carmen is taking a break away from her work — helping out at the Orphanage and fighting crime — and decides to take a trip back to Paris, a location she quite enjoyed. During her journey she meets a familiar face she believed she would not see again.

A/N: This is set after season 4.

"So Carms, I hear you are off to Paris for the week huh?"

I smile into the phone, listening to Ivy's comment.

"You heard correct. Well, assuming nothing goes wrong, that is".

I had gotten a break from working at the Orphanage with my Madre, so I decided to take myself on a little trip. We had finally met about eleven months ago, and I had been helping around as much as I possibly could without a break. Well, I tell a lie, I had a couple days free from working with Madre, though I used those days to check for any crime around. I guess some habits die hard huh, this was meant to be my new start but I can't seem to leave fighting crime behind. It was my choice to work so much at the Orphanage though.

Madre had had enough and told me to take a week away and go someplace, so where better than Paris? The beauty of the city when the sun goes down and the lights come on again, the food, the art and architecture, the history, it's simply something I cannot forget. It's truly a once in a lifetime thing.

"Wow, I'm so jealous! I wish I could be there with you, it would be so much fun- Zack stop! Leave Julia alone. No- She probably does NOT appreciate that, so quit it... Yes, you, who else?!.......... Sorry Carms, it's Zach trying to flirt with Julia again".

Giggling at Ivy's scolding to her brother, I make a mental note to tease him about that when I next see him. He kept flirting with the poor woman, to which she would politely laugh and make an excuse to leave.

"No worries Ivy, it's alright. I must admit though, I do feel sorry for Julia in some respects".

"I know right! Gosh, he's so oblivious sometimes. I love him anyway though, no matter how much of a douche brain he is".

"It would be nice to be able to meet up with all of you again, it's been a while since I saw all of you properly. You'll have to let me know when you two both have some time off and I'll get hold of Shadowsan and Player, then we can all have a nice catch-up".

I hear Ivy sigh wistfully into the phone, light laughter leaving her lips.

"Honestly Carms, that seems like such a good idea right about now. I'm so tired with work, I got called out five times within the past two days, three of which were last night. I've not had a nice snooze in for ages and I could do with one right about now, haha."

"You do sound quite tired. When do you get off shift?"

"Uuuh, hold on....... Forty-five minutes, then I can go home".

"Well, you should treat yourself to a warm bubble bath and a long rest".

"I think I'll take that one and do just that. Ah- I've got to shoot, Cheif is calling for me. I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk more, yeah?"

"Yes, wouldn't miss it for the world. Tell the others I said hello for me? And I'll work on arranging a girls trip between you and me to somewhere, just let me know where you fancy going".

"Oh you're a star Carm, I'll be looking forward to that then. I'll decide tonight and let you know tomorrow, and I'll pass on your 'hellos' to the others. Talk soon Carm".

I smile into the phone, mildly disappointed that our conversation had to end so soon.

"Talk soon Ivy".

With that, I hear the beep of an ended call as Ivy hangs up the line. A sudden wave of exhaustion washes over me as I move my phone down to my lap, checking the time. It was 1:15 in the morning. Raising my eyebrows, I nod at my phone, surprised at how late it was. I should probably try to get some sleep as I'll be arriving at my stop in about seven hours from now and I would much prefer to not be falling asleep at every given moment.

Setting my phone down next to myself, I grab a blanket out of my carry bag and drape it over my lap, removing my jumper and folding it into four before placing it onto the seat to my left. Reaching up above myself, I pull a cord that turned off the lights in my little train booth, engulfing myself in darkness. The only form of light that I had at this stage was the gentle light from the moon, it would be full soon. Laying down, I place my head onto my jumper and pull my blanket up higher, closing my eyes and relaxing my body.

Right as I began to doze off, I felt a strange feeling of wariness make itself known in my gut, enticing me to sit up and evaluate my surroundings. Within a couple of seconds of having my eyes open, I heard a light tapping on my booth door. Someone was there. Averting my eyes to the glass section of the door, I keep my body motionless as I trace the figure with my eyes and their every possible movement.

If I stayed still then they would not see me and assume I was sleeping and most likely leave.

*tap, tap, tap*

"Excuse me, uh, I know you are awake.. can I come in? My booth has no heating and it's really cold out here".

Or maybe not.

Cautiously eyeing the door, I slowly raise myself from the seats and brace my hand into a fist, ready to fight off a possible threat. Standing tall, I cautiously step my way over to the door before grasping the cool metal handle with one hand and undoing a lock with the other. Twisting the handle, I edge the door open bit by bit.

"Hello... Um.. yes you may".

It was a man, not that much taller than me, and Australian. Or perhaps Kiwi. I couldn't see many of his facial features, other than the fact that he had a man bun and a couple bags with him. I wracked my brain for any vocal recognitions, however, nothing matched.

Standing aside, I made room for the strange man to come inside.

"Cheers mate, sorry 'bout how odd this is. I went to the train staff to ask about the heating and they told me that the booth I chose was meant to be closed, though the person on duty of closing it off didn't get around to it, hence me choosing the unlucky booth. They told me I would have to ask to share booths with somebody else seen as though all others are booked, and I saw your light go out, so I came here. Sorry and cheers again".

The man laughed, rubbing what I assumed was the back of his neck. His explanation seemed pretty truthful and his reasoning honest.

"That's no problem, sorry that you got a faulty booth, that must've sucked".

"Hah, tell me 'bout it" He joked.

Smiling, I close the door and return to my seat, watching as he put his bags in the overhead luggage area, leaving out a blanket of his own. Smart man.

"So, what's your name mate?"

"Carmen. And you?"

I see him whip his head around, before shaking it and laughing lightly.

"I had a friend called Carmen, though I've not seen her in a long time. My name is Grah-Grayson. Grayson".

I raise my eyebrow at his stutter, smirking lightly.

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Grah-Grayson" I tease.

"Haha, as to you Carmen".

With that, we both fell silent, just basking in the pleasant atmosphere of the booth with the same idea of sleep on our minds.

Slipping back into my 'bed', I pull my blankets back over myself and close my eyes, listening carefully at everything around me. I hear some stuffing around, something dropping on the floor, followed by a second something, more shuffling, then a satisfied sigh. Peering over my shoulder, I see the outline of a body laying on the seat across from mine.

"Did you just take your shoes off?"

"Hm? Ah yeah mate, can't sleep with shoes on, that's just crazy".

Grah-Grayson laughs at his own statement, finding humour in my question.

I feel my lips draw into a thin line as I shuffle my feet around awkwardly, my shoes very much still on.

Am I crazy?

"G'd'night mate, thanks again for letting me in on such short notice".

"No, no, that's fine. Goodnight".

It felt strange saying goodnight to a stranger, though I had most definitely done stranger.

I feel my eyes shoot open rather rapidly, my heart pounding against my ribcage as I scramble to sit upright, taking in my surroundings eagerly before eyeing the strange man in the booth with me. I check the room once again for anything out of the ordinary, before removing the blanket from my body and standing, striding my way over the door and yanking it open silently and slipping out, closing it behind myself. I needed some fresh air.

Making my way to the end of the train, I open a door that leads to a small balcony attached to the carriage. Immediately the wind hits me, blowing my hair to the side.

Sucking in a deep breath of air, I relax my shoulders and close my eyes. I had a nightmare — rather a memory — that Coach Brunt had broken into my booth and tied me up, much like before, and decided that enough was enough and planned to end things then and there.

A pretty sad nightmare, huh.

I enjoy the breeze a little longer before turning around and opening the door, walking back into the train carriage and back to my booth. Opening the door, I am surprised to see Grah-Grayson awake and sat upright, watching out of the window at the scenery. It was early for him to be awake, it was about five in the morning and the sun had begun rising, casting a gentle glow in the booth.

"Ah, mate, there you are, are you alr-......."

The words leave his mouth as he stares at me in surprise, horror, happiness, sadness and recognition... a mix of everything. Exactly what I was feeling.

Tears fill my eyes as I gaze at the male before me. It couldn't be...

"G-Gray?"

"Black sheep..?."

Grah-Grayson stands up, tears in his own eyes as he stares at me intently.

Stepping forward, I feel my arms raising slightly and before I knew it I was lunging for him, sobs wreaking through my lips as tears flowed heavily from my eyes. Engulfing him in my arms, I feel him do the same with just as much ferocity. I hear sobs come from him too, his chest rising and falling quickly and sharply with each gasp of air.

Before anything could be said, I feel anger suddenly wash over me, leading me to remove my arms from around him and shove him away harshly, placing some distance between us.

A confused whimper leaves his mouth, clearly unintentionally, but before he could say anything I let months worth of hurt, confusion, upset and anger form into words and flow out freely.

"Gray where were you?! W-What did you mean 'don't tell her' that you woke up!! Do you know how long I waited for you to wake up in the hospital, unable to see you or hear from you, not knowing that you had long gone?! Do you- Do you know how long I WAITED fOR YOU? Three months Gray- three months that you were gone and I was waiting for you to wake up so that we could start over, so that I could know you were okay!" The words kept flowing out, no matter how much I tried to stop them. Although I didn't try. I couldn't bring myself to try. I started pacing back and forth as I rambled, making sure the emphasis on certain words came out.

"Carmen, let me explain, I-"

I cut him off, anger still clouding my better judgement.

"NO Gray, you don't get to explain until you hear me!! I searched EVERYWHERE for days, weeks, months for you, thinking that something had happened to you, only to be told by Chief that you had requested to not have your condition or whereabouts revealed to me! Why Gray, why..? If you were angry or upset at me and didn't want to see me, you could have just told me instead of making me worry like that! I spent so many nights awake trying to find out where you were with the help of Player, but nothing!! NOTHING!"

I heave out everything that has been resting on my shoulders, the feeling of relief evident on my shoulders as a weight had been lifted.

"Carmen I was never upset at you, more of I was upset at myself. It was my fault that you had been captured and lured in, I knew what was happening and I could have prevented it, but I didn't. I blamed myself for you being brainwashed and hurt, and for myself being hurt. I was such an idiot and I didn't want to do something that could hurt you again-"

"And yet you did.." I remark with a whisper, adverting my eyes as I crossed my arms over my chest, hugging myself and sniffling as I did so.

"I know and I'm sorry... I didn't want to interfere with your life, not after everything that had happened. VILE was caught and disbanded, you had information on your mother, everything was over and you had a fresh start ahead of you and I didn't want to get in the way of that. So, I changed my identity and lived away from the public eye, hidden away where you could not find me. It wasn't just a fresh start for you, it was one for me too... I asked for you to not be told of my departure, even though Cheif strongly suggested against it, the same with that Julia lady. I told them it was my only request, and they allowed it eventually. I now realise that wasn't a good idea and that it hurt you much more than I believed it could or would... I am so sorry Carmen.. I really am so, incredibly sorry.. I can't blame you if you are angry at me, I gue-"

"Of course I'm angry at you!! I finally realised after all of that time that I was in love with you, and I was prepared to tell you, only to find that you were gone! Those three months left in the dark were pure heaven compared to the.. the shitty, crappy, horrible feelings once I found out you were gone!"

I watch as Gray's eyes widen in surprise, as he stutters his next sentence, his face flushed from tears, much like my own.

"C-Carmen.. you- what did you just.. what did you just say?"

"That I realised after all of this time that I was in love with you, so very incredibly in love with you, and that I was prepared to tell you!" I growl.

We both stand there in silence, the cool feeling of my tears drying up on my face present. Sudden realisation dawns upon me at what I had just boldly announced. Smacking my hand over my mouth, I gasp, my eyes widening as the realisation finally sets in completely.

Nothing is said between us as we just stare one another in the eyes, waiting for the other to speak.

"Gray, I-"

I cut myself short as Gray abruptly strides towards me confidently, raising his hands to cup my cheeks as I step back, unsure of what was happening. Staring down into my eyes, Gray smiles gently.

"You always were a cheeky one, sneaking your way into my heart the way you did".

My stomach fills with butterflies at that, a small smile making its way onto my face, accompanied by little giggles. Soon enough, I was laughing uncontrollably into Gray's chest, him onto my shoulder.

The laughter died down soon after, we were just left with warm smiles on our faces.

Moving his hand across my face, his thumb stroking my cheek and his other hand caressed the back of my neck, he looks down at my lips before looking into my eyes.

"May I?"

That one sentence had my stomach doing flips as though I were a schoolgirl who just confessed her undying love to her crush and received the same feelings back, though I guess in some respects I was that schoolgirl, just a little older.

"You may".

With that, Gray leans down, pressing his lips gently against mine and pulling away. I did not feel those fireworks that people would describe a true-loves kiss as, rather I felt complete, safe, happy, joyous, excited, calm, at peace and so many more pleasant things, much better than those so described fireworks.

Leaning in for a second kiss, I met Gray halfway with just as much passion, more ferocity this time, however. Soon though, we had to depart for air, a gentle blush growing over both of our cheeks.

"Carmen, I-"

"Excuse me, are you two alright in there? I could faintly hear you arguing from next door".

Looking behind me, there was an older woman stood in the doorway, a concerned look on her face.

"Yes, we are alright madame, thank you for your concern. Sorry for the noise, everything is sorted now" I explain, turning to face the woman.

"Very well then, there is no need to apologise my dear, as long as you are both okay. Oh, and sorry for interrupting your moment"

The lady giggles cheekily, before making her way back to her booth while rambling on about young love, or something along the lines.

"We should probably close the door, no?"

"Yes, we should. You, mister, have a lot to explain to me, especially what you have been up to since we last saw one another".

I smile as I leave Grays embrace, walking to the door and closing it.

"As do you. We have a while till we reach my destination, so shall we?"

"Hmm... I say sleep and then explain at a later time, on a date perhaps?"

"Friday, 8PM at Au Vieux Paris d'Arcole?" Grey wiggles his eyebrows, a smile on his face as he does so.

Laughter bubbles in my throat as I sniffle, wiping away any tear streams on my face as I nod my head eagerly.

"Call it a date".

A/N: This is my first ever oneshot/story piece that I've done on here and I honestly do not know how good it is, or how bad it is. All I can hope is that it's decent. It was inspired by @wizardsoffthecoast who had mentioned something about this, so here we are. I hope you enjoy it!

(I do apologise for any spelling mistakes!)

[gwenbrightly]

Family

Crossposted from ffnet

Her family is growing, Carmen muses one day not long after her most recent brush with death. She's known it for a while, now, deep down. This is just the first time she's considered exactly how different this family is from the one she grew up with. Shadowsan has yet to lift the strict regimen of bedrest he had inflicted upon her as soon as they had moved into their new (and first ever) home base. Which... probably is for the best, honestly. His mutterings about how he didn't rescue her from Coach Brunt so she could die from hypothermia do pose a very real point. She's not out of the woods yet and won't be for quite some time still. But laying on the couch watching Zach and Ivy butcher another karaoke song on the small machine they've hooked up to the tv while Shadowsan looks on in disgusted confusion, she can almost forget that.

"Dooon't stop belieeeevin!" Ivy sings at the top of her lungs as if she's never heard the definition of the word quiet. Her brother continues the song with equal enthusiasm.

"Just hooold on to that feeliiiiiing!"

"Streetlights people!" they finish, holding the end note longer than necessary.

Carmen's not sure she's ever seen her former teacher look so relieved when their singing finally dies off. As much as he'd probably deny it if anyone ever said so out loud, Shadowsan is definitely the father of the group. Consistently there to shoot them worried (or outright appalled) looks whenever they do something especially stupid or making sure they don't stay up too late during their off time. It's nice to have someone else around to do some of the worrying. Goodness knows how much of it she's done, herself, lately. And then there's Player, obviously the baby of the group, for all his intelligence and common sense. She's never asked his age, but he just seems so much younger than her, or Zach, or Ivy. With his youthful stature, it's difficult not to wonder how much his parents know about his hacking activities, but she can't dwell on it. She would never have made it this far without his help. Probably wouldn't have even left the island...

"You know I love you, bro," the female redhead starts in again, interrupting Carmen's thoughts, "but pineapple is not a real pizza topping."

"You're only saying that because you've never tried it." Zach insists with an eye roll.

"Nope, and I never will." his sister tells him. Carmen sits up a little, wondering what brought on this familiar debate. There are takeout menu's scattered across the coffee table not far away. Ah, that explains it.

"Must everything be a production with you two?" Shadowsan interjects tiredly. Although she has her suspicions that they've grown on him deep down, he has yet to warm up to their constant shenanigans.

"You do realize we could just order more than one kind of pizza, right?" Carmen reminds them, deciding it's time to step in. They freeze, only now realizing she's been listening to their conversation.

"Oh. I, uh, I'm sorry if we woke you, Carm." Ivy offers guiltily, only just realizing how loudly they've been bickering. "Nah, it's okay. I was already awake." Carmen says with a shrug. The conversation has been keeping her entertained, if nothing else (though the singing would have been a deal breaker if she had been sleeping still) . Hyperactive, spontaneous, and more than a little crazy at times, Zach and Ivy are a bit harder to pinpoint when it comes to assigning them a specific role within this family of thieves and hackers, she thinks absentmindedly. Some days, it's like working with toddlers. Others, it feels like they've got years on her in age. Like when Ivy gives her that look of utmost concern that makes her feel guilty for nearly dying on them all over again. Or takes the lead on a mission because Carmen's out of commission. Or when Zach offers some piece of surprisingly insightful advice before fearlessly leaping into danger. They all take turns taking care of each other, the Argentinean supposes. And somehow, it works.

"If you're sure. You still need your rest, y'know." Ivy tells her after staring at her for a minute, wanting to make sure her sister of sorts really is okay.

"Trust me, I know." she confirms, snuggling back against the pillows arranged on the couch.

"You had better." Shadowsan comments with a frown. These reckless kids will be the death of him, he swears. But… in a good way, perhaps. They're nothing at all like his students from V. I. L. E. They're far more selfless and caring. He finds he's needed the change of pace.

"Anyway," Zach asserts, "we should get back to deciding what we're gonna have for dinner. Can't plot our next moves on an empty stomach…"

"I suppose that's true." Carmen agrees with a smile. She is starting to get a bit hungry.

"I guess pizza does sound kinda good. But only if you make sure you order some without pineapple this time." Ivy decides after a moment's deliberation. And this is all it takes for things to spiral back into utter chaos. If anyone had told her she'd end up finding a family so real and unbreakable under such bizarre circumstances a few years ago, Carmen's pretty sure she'd have laughed in their face. Yet here she is, caught in the middle of a debate over the merits of different pizza toppings. Somehow in running away from the only family she'd ever known, she's managed to find a new one, made up of individuals who are some of the most caring, selfless, and courageous people she's ever met. It may not be perfect, but it's hers. And somewhere out there, Julia is dead set on changing the world, and Gray – Graham – is performing charitable acts for those in need. Carmen would consider them family, too. They've changed her for the better. Even if she's not sure she's ready to explore exactly what the nature of her relationship with a certain Australian is. There will be time to worry about that later. Labels are awfully restricting anyway, on her opinion. And maybe, someday, she'll even find out what happened to her birth parents. But for now, she has her family, and they have her. No matter what. Which, in the end, is all she really cares about.

[keyofjetwolf]

NEW SEASON NEW SET TO POKE AROUND IN

AND POKE I SHALL

It looks like we’re still in the library, which along with the title leads me to believe that Laura (and Carmilla, I’m guessing) have basically been living in here for the past two to three months. But their internet connection seems solid, so, you know. Reasonable. I do enjoy that Laura either snuck out at one point for her Tardis mug, or she grabbed it before fleeing for her life at the end of S2.

Did she pick up a matching one for Carm?

LAURA THAT’S GAY

It is with some disappointment that I must report, after a full and intense ten minute search, that I could find no trace of the tiara. WHY DO YOU KEEP DENYING ME SHOW WHY DO YOU KEEP DENYING YOURSELF

Being a library, there are of course many books on many shelves. I can’t really identify any of them by vague size and spine colours, but I did spot these:

I got super excited for a second, all “I’VE SEEN THESE”. Oddly enough, on my own shelves!

Alas, no. They’re close, but not the same. (Mine, if anyone’s curious, are a set of DIY books by Popular Mechanics from like 1976. They left them when we bought the house. IT WAS AN INTERESTING TIME

So I was, sadly, wrong, but I feel I HAVE seen that set before somewhere.

I doubt very much this is a Shakespeare wanted poster, but if the library is in fact sentient in some way and has a three-hundred year old grudge against ol’ Will, THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

Awwww, the library has won awards! Also possibly keeps cremated remains on shelves. The trophies, though! I don’t know what they’re for, but until I learn otherwise, I’m going to assume “Best Mad-On For A Major Literary Figure”.

And then we have my very favourite of all.

A BULLETIN BOARD FULL OF SHIT

LAURA IN THE LOOP. Wearing the same outfit in her DANGER-FREE opening. A proto-version? Why do you still have this though, Laura, I HAVE QUESTIONS.

I’m not sure what makes up the board trim, but I’m going with the finest Kotex product wrappers. Some cut into heart shapes! Because what else are you going to do when you’re being hunted and hiding out in a library over summer break but make crafts projects with your tampon packaging.

A photo of what looks to be men in underwear? YOU LADIES DO KNOW YOU’RE LESBIANS RIGHT?? Something about the picture does look to be quite old though, 1900s or earlier? I’m wondering if maybe it’s a sports team? Or perhaps old board members. In their underwear.

I feel like I’m SO CLOSE to knowing what the text says here, but no go. It looks like a magazine advert to me, though, but the hair makes me wonder if it’s Almost Anya? Not that those two have to be mutually exclusive, in fairness.

“EVENT RADIUS”, this one says, with what appears to be a map.

Sadly, these other signs are less easy for me to read.

Much bigger than that, and the pixels just become fuzz. We have looks like a header for the sheet, and then some bullet points. It may say “Laura”? Which would seem like something you wouldn’t need a sheet for, if you are in fact Laura, but then she also has HER OWN PROMO PICTURE UP THERE, so who the fuck knows.

The bottom one I thought said “JPD”, making me think it was something about a police department. Looking again though, it may say “JP?” So are these sheets then maybe them searching for their missing friends? So maybe the magazine ad IS Almost Anya, and perhaps the “Laura” sheet it’s connected to is for Captain Ginger? I can’t make out any other name though. Also, it’s not helpful that I’m so fucking bad at names and the show keeps INSISTING on not using my character nicknames.

A building map! That one’s easy enough.

And finally

“WHAT DOES THE DEAN WANT?”

Yes, I can see you’re committed to your new danger-avoidant lifestyle, LEMME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU

BONUS:

This looks like a strange mummified long-legged turtle, and if I’m wrong, I don’t ever want to know.

[silaslibraryclub]

Discord Diamonds ep8

This little number was just dropped on us by @dogsbeerandawesomeness to round off Pride Month 😍😍😍

I must admit

I can't explain

Any of these thoughts racing

Through my brain

It's true

“Hey! What’re you doing over here?” Laura called, her voice just barely audible over the loud, thumping music pouring from unseen speakers somewhere above.

“Oh, you’re finally done?” Carmilla snapped, her arms firmly crossed over her chest, eyes hard behind her black Ray-Bans, beads of sweat slowly dripping down her neck.

“Done with what?” Laura asked, her smile bright and skin slightly singed from an afternoon in the overbearing sun. She sat down on the bench next to the dark-haired girl with a relieved sigh, letting her arm rest across the top behind Carmilla’s shoulders and pulling her rainbow tank top away from her chest to fan herself with it.

Carmilla felt Laura’s fingertips tickle along her shoulder and she grumbled as she shook them off, scowling even harder.

But Laura didn’t seem to notice as she moved closer, her hand wrapping around Carmilla’s bicep instead, thumb gently grazing side to side.

“Nothing,” Carmilla finally mumbled, attempting to remove herself from Laura’s sticky and overheated side, but coming up empty as her hip met the iron armrest to her right.

“So, what do you want to do next?” Laura asked, still smiling brightly, clearly unaware of her girlfriend’s mood.

Too pleased with herself.

Carmilla shook her head with a huff and stood up, moving away without a word.

“You hungry?” Laura called from behind her, raising her voice to be heard over the competing music and the din of the crowd.

“No!” Carmilla all but shouted back, continuing to move through the throngs of people.

Unless it’s for blood.

“Thirsty?” she tried again.

This time, Carmilla didn’t even bother with an answer beyond a sharp shake of her head.

“We could get some ice cream? Cool down a little.”

Yeah because you’re clearly such a hot item.

Carmilla sighed in frustration, wiping the sweat from her brow as she continued to navigate her way through the rowdy crowd, the sun relentless in its pursuit to leave her burning and irritated, inside and out.

“We could go look at some other booths?” Laura suggested, her voice now much closer than before. “We’ve only hit like half of them so far.”

And Carmilla snapped.

“Oh yeah?” She turned, jaw tense, hands balled into fists at her sides. “Why? So you can find someone else to flirt with?”

“What?” Laura stopped in her tracks, just a foot away from the older girl, swiping at her own brow, finally picking up her girlfriend’s sudden mood change. “What’re you talking about, Carm?”

“I’m talking about you flirting with the girl at the cookie stand just now!”

“Flirting?” Laura asked, completely confused.

“Yes! She was totally into you and you just stood there and smiled and let her tease you and tell you how she was so happy to run into you and that she’d love to buy you a cup of coffee sometime!”

She knew some of the other Pride patrons were now watching them, but she didn’t care. She was mad and Laura was going to hear about it! How dare she act this way! After all, this whole thing was Carmilla’s idea.

She’d heard everyday over the last few weeks how much Laura wanted to attend the festival, but she’d brushed if off, hoping to keep her plans a surprise. And it was just that morning when Carmilla emerged from her shower, freshly dressed in a pair of sinfully short cutoffs and a black tank top that simply said ‘Lesbian Vampires Do It Best’ that Laura finally clued in to what was in store for the day.

But it didn’t matter. The plucky brunette had ruined it!

“You realize you have a girlfriend, right? Or did you miraculously forget about me as I stood there next to you, holding your hand while you let that girl fawn all over you?”

And then Laura did something that had her seeing red. She… laughed!

Mouth dropping open and eyes going wide behind her dark lenses, Carmilla turned to walk away, but found herself stopped by a strong hand around her wrist.

“Carm, come on,” Laura started, pulling her closer even as Carmilla resisted. “She wasn’t flirting with me!”

“Yes, she was! And you didn’t stop it! You stood there for ten minutes after I left talking to her!”

“Yes, I did,” Laura said with another giggle, her hand gentle against Carmilla’s skin even as the other girl continued to try and pull away. “And during that ten minutes, she told me she’d recognized me from my vlog. Her and her wife are big fans. They met at a coffee shop two years ago because they realized they were both watching one of my recordings on their laptops. They started talking about different episodes and… yeah. Together ever since.”

Carmilla stopped her struggle, slightly confused but still angry.

“But-”

“And she wanted to buy me a cup of coffee as a thank you. So I agreed.”

“See?! She wants to-”

“We’re meeting her and her wife tomorrow at the shop up the street. Her wife loves when you make a snarky appearance on my videos,” Laura said, still smiling as she stepped even closer. She reached up and cupped Carmilla’s cheek, letting her thumb brush back and forth where the older girl’s frown was slowly melting away.

But!

“But… but she was flirting with you!” Carmilla tried, one last time.

“You must be out of practice then, Carm,” Laura giggled. “Because that wasn’t flirting. She was just excited. So was her wife when she introduced me to her five seconds after you walked away pouting.”

“I wasn’t pouting,” Carmilla grumbled.

“No, you’re clearly having a blast,” Laura deadpanned, her smile now softer as she released Carmilla’s wrist and wrapped her arm around the dark-haired girl’s waist.

But this couldn’t be right. The woman at the cookie stand was all smiles and bright eyes and making jokes and…

“She… she really wasn’t flirting with you?” Carmilla asked.

Still smiling, Laura reached up and pushed the dark-haired girl’s sunglasses up, revealing her eyes and leaned up, pressing her lips to the tiny furrow between Carmilla’s eyebrows.

“Nope. No flirting,” Laura said, letting her fingers glide up the back of Carmilla’s tank top.

“So…”

“So you’re a jealous idiot,” Laura giggled. “But you’re my jealous idiot.”

She’s got the idiot part right, Carmilla thought, feeling the embarrassment settle heavy in her chest.

“I’m… I’m sorry, cupcake. I didn’t…”

“Didn’t think about the fact that even if someone was flirting with me, that I would stop them? Or that it wouldn’t make a difference because I’m crazy in love with my jealous idiot and no one else matters?”

“Yeah,” Carmilla mumbled with a shrug. “That.”

“I love you so much, Carm,” Laura giggled before softly pressing her lips to Carmilla’s, smiling into the slow kiss she left there.

And if the the ’I love you’ didn’t get through to her, the kiss did.

Yep. Total idiot.

“I love you too, cutie,” she said quietly when they parted, resting their sticky foreheads together.

And with Laura smiling brightly at her, holding her close, her sweet and soft brown eyes locked on her own, everything around her faded. The thousands of bodies, the loud music, the sweltering heat. All that was left was…

Laura.

[snowflake-apocalypse]

The Prodigal Trenchcoat

Deep in an alleyway of Shanghai; the mighty have faltered.

“Oh, man…”

In the murky bleakness of the night; on the damp, jagged gravel.

A car. A car door.

Smoke and rotting food; a strange combination of scents.

“It ain’t ever been this bad..”

Mixture of salt and metal; bitter on the tongue.

“You got her?’

Voices.

“Yeah, I got her. Ready?”

Weightlessness.

“Holy hell…”

Ugh, my head.. why’s everything fuzzy..wha-

“Early this morning, researchers at the Yangtze River Pharmaceutical Group discovered their developing new drug returned to the company’s lab. Security reported a break-in to the facility earlier this week, with samples and multiple studies being taken. The drug under cultivation is aimed toward easing the symptoms and side-effects from radation treatment patients receive. The theft and recovery are still under investigation by the Taizhou Public Security Branch..-“

Hazily scanning her surroundings, Carmen finds she’s in an abandoned and decaying apartment…somewhere. Through the shrouded darkness; crumpling drywall, wooden floorboards in pieces, the smell of pungent mold in the air..

Where’s the noise coming from..?

In her daze, Carmen turns on her side, head throbbing and joints not moving as they should; she spots her brother-in-crime. No. Her brother. Noticing the stir from across the room, Zach’s weary eyes glance up from the ongoing news on his phone.

“Heya, Carm. Glad to see ya awake. How ya feeling?”

“..I-Zach, what happened?” Carmen’s attempt to maneuver from the decrepit couch, suddenly halted by Zach’s steady hand, who is by her side in an instant.

“Just take it easy, okay? You hit your head pretty good. We’re outta Shanghai, you’ve been in ‘an out of it for a few days.”

Shock and panic setting in, Carmen fights the strains in her body to sit up. “A few days? …oh crap, the hardrive, did we get the hardrive? Did Paperstar get away, what-“

 Consoling hand going back on her shoulder, “See, there ya go again. You gotta slow down, you’re gonna stress yourself out more. Yeah, Juila got the hardrive. She linked up with Player a couple of days ago. Don’t know where origami girl went. All we know is, she got a cheap shot at you, and me ‘an Ivy found you all busted up in the alley.”

Carmen, shifting to a somewhat comfortable position, indistinguishable smells not aiding her nausea “I remember falling..and handing off the hardrive..but not anything else. Is everyone alright?”

Is she serious? “Besides you? Yeah, everyone’s fine.”

It stays quiet for a while. Zach at a loss for words, Carmen focusing on what her next question should be.  The whispering wind through the cracks, providing the only ambiance.

“What was that you were listening to?”

“Hm? Oh, just some news when I was scrollin’. S’nothing.” With a toss of his hand, Zach promptly shoves his phone in his jacket pocket.

“No, I heard Yangtze River. We’ve been getting hits that V.I.L.E had targets in the area for weeks, and now their stealing medicine-?”

“Hey, but they got it back. Security is keepin’ the place locked tight. No harm, no foul.”

Tell that to the thousands of people suffering in hospitals.

Frustrated with the evasive conversation, Carmen forces herself up from her resting place; body screaming otherwise. “Yes, but how did they get it back? Things don’t magically appear when you want them to-“

Out of the shadowed chair in the corner, Carmen hears her answer; voice worn and amicable in every way. “Wow, that red pill’s quite the kicker, ain’t it, sis..?” Disheveled ginger hair drooping with her half-hearted nod. “You didn’t V.I.L.E would stop if you got taken out of the game, did you?”

“Ivy..what did you do?”

“They’re only working harder now, Carm. Can’t let them think they’re gonna win.”

  Now the situation becomes real; brutally. Not the cat and mouse and canary charade that was their lives. Where no one got hurt. How many times have you put their lives in danger? Zach..Ivy..Player..and- should be lucky it was you and not them..this time.

“You didn’t have to go out there. Not by yourself, you could have gotten hurt. You should have-“

“Like you did? Somebody had to pick up your slack, God knows the cops can’t.” Standing to meet Carmen at eye level, green meeting gray. She’s not gettin’ outta this one. Zach, don’t let me do it.

“I never asked you to. With the special kind of cruel V.I.L.E is…just.. thank you.” Fatigue settling in again, Carmen is losing her drive to argue; well knowing that any more words are just going to be hypocrisies. 

Damn it to hell… “Girl, I know the world freaks out about Carmen Sandiego, but here, this room; we’re Team Red. Thick an’ thin, until John Law or somethin’ worse gets us, okay?” Ivy treading closer, studies the various emotions painted over Carmen’s face. Aw, don’t start crying..

Giving in, like she knew she would, Ivy closes the rest of the way to envelop Carmen in the tightest hug she can muster; mumbling against her auburn hair, “Don’t you dare do somethin’ that stupid again, you hear me?”

 Definitely crying now, Carmen murmurs through her sniffles, “Yeah.. m’sorry. Ow.”

“Oh, does that hurt?”

“Yeah..”

“Good.”

~~

Musical Inspiration: Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks; Panic! at the Disco

[ariabauer]

i've been dipping in and out of the carmilla fandom so some things don't make sense to me. what's the woman in black? how does that relate to ell? i'm so confused? help

I’m a novelist at heart so we’re going to plot the Carmilla movie out as if it were a novel based on what we know and some conjecture. 

Right. Hello. I’m on a 6:6:12hr cycle and basically living in the lab until these flies die so I’ve got a few moments to give you the high level version of the Carmilla movie plot as I understand it based on what’s been released. What I can’t provide you with here is proof. I just don’t have the time for a huge theory.

The movie takes place 5 years after the close of the series and Hollstein is living in an apartment in Toronto where Laura is a reporter for a Toronto newspaper and still doing her vlogs in some form. In story structure terms, this would be their ‘ordinary world’. We hit our ‘hook’ at the 5% mark with what I’m guessing is Laura having some seriously bad dreams (see trailer where she wakes up on Carm’s lap. shots like that, waking up, usually denote dreams). Her dreams are ghostly dreams that are a warning of something bad. Probably a result of ‘The Woman In Black’ (we’ll get to this more). Naturally, Laura can’t help digging.

Then I’m going to guess that we hit our Inciting Incident at the 15% mark. This probably Carmilla re-vamping.  Laura’s dreams were one thing but this is a big problem that needs fixing. In my opinion, if Carmilla was only un-vamped by a gods power then it would have to be something equivalent to effect that status or else Inanna’s power would have to wane. Honestly, I’d guess that at some point this is going to be a “I knew something bad was coming and Carmilla needed her vampire powers to confront it”. My only question is if that “I” is going to be one of the old gods or one of the new characters.That said, we know Sophia was on set for a little bit so I”m at least hoping they ask Ereskigal/Inanna what’s up. Like, I really don’t see how you could do revamping without talking about the gods that vamped and unvamped her to begin with. 

Between Laura’s ghost dreams and Carmilla’s revamping, Hollstein heads out to figure out what is going on. Usually this would be the 25%ish (probably more like 20% in this case) when you “leave the ordinary world for the new one”. Probably through Laura’s dreams, they know to go to a ghost house in what I’m guessing is Austria but who really knows. It just makes sense to me to bring us back to Carmilla’s roots if we’re going to bring Ell into it. I’d love to say it’s a house from Carmilla’s past but I have no proof of that. They bring together the gang to help them solve this condumdrum (obviously if Carmilla starts revamping the first person you call is Laf). 

This is when I’d wager they meet the Bronte sister who are apparently ghosts (i’ll admit i wanted them to vampires). This ghostly reveal will probably be the real 25% first plot point. The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd plot points always have to be turning points and this is where we hit the real ghost story stuff. The Bronte sisters (ghosts of the original authors) appear to be haunting the place and Laf probably finds a way to make them semi-tangible for dancing and whatnot. That said, we only have 2 Bronte sister and I have real serious and large theories/questions about what happened to the third. Again, I think they have to be somehow tied to Carmilla’s past because she just has so so so much of it. All through this, Laura is still having creepy dreams.

The 35-40% mark is when I’d guess that we really hit TWIB in black for the first time. I’d also wager that this is dance scene leading into the First Pinch Point. There’s some fun but then we hit that short scene in the teaser where Laura’s in her ballgown and just takes off in panic, I’m guessing that Laura sees TWIB for the first time, recognises her from her dreams, and takes off after her. 

50% is where you hit the middle of the story with the midpoint/second plot point. I’m guessing this is where we get the “TWIB is Ell” reveal both because it makes sense plotwise and because s1 (which was plotted amazing well) places the Carmilla Karnstein vampire reveal right at this point as well. (don’t ask me how much time I’ve spent looking at season/series plot as practice). Now everything after this get EXTRA conjecturey simply because if you’re going to give an audience spoilers, you always pull most of them from the first 25 (maybe 50) percent to keep your climax a surprise.

So to answer your original question, cupcake, Ell is The Woman In Black and played by Dominique (who you may know from Wynonna Earp). The Woman In Black is a literally reference to this other old novella that’s a ghost story and seems like is giving the Carmilla movie a lot of influence. Basically, TWIB is this woman whose son was killed in a carriage/swamp accident and not appears as a ghost whenever a child is about to die.

Basically, she’s a warning for girls and boys dying.

You know who else was a warning for girls and boys dying? Ell. In s1, she appears to all the anglerfish’s victims and tries to warn them “not to go into the light”. This clearly isn’t a vampire/Dean thing because she wouldn’t want to warn them. Ell’s doing this under some other power. From the movie, we can discern that Ell is still doing this and that her soul hasn’t moved on yet. That’s why I’m guessing that it’s Ell/TWIB in Laura’s creepy ghost dreams. She’s trying to warn Laura, the same way she tried to warn Laura in s1. The reason she’s appearing to Laura is because they already have that mental connection from Laura nearly being anglerfish food. What I can’t decide is if it’s Ell who revamps Carmilla or if she’s trying to warn them against the person who actually revamped Carmilla. 

Regardless, I’d wager that this is the point where we get the teaser stuff of Laura in the other old timey dress, apparently having tea with Ell, and the whole mirror thing. The whole thing is a little trippy mostly just flashes. That said, I do NOT like the idea of Ell as the antagonist of this story. I think that role should belong to the Brontes because ‘the vengeful ex’ is a trope I hate. I want Ell to help Hollstein, Laura not to have to be jealous, and Carmilla to get her reconciliation. Personally, I think a good way to villainize the Brontes would be to have their missing third sister who wasn’t cast be dead due to some action of Carmilla’s/Dean’s (probably in a carraige related event) and they want to get revenge but act all nice at first. That’s very old timey novella.

I’m sorry that I don’t have time to go into the mirror shot and Carmilla in the old timey dress but it doesn’t relate directly to your question. Just know there’s some super interesting stuff there but it would take a while to go through. That said, I have this theory that probably only Laura (maybe Laf and Kirsch) can see Ell because she’s a ghost and that at some point Laura and Ell share a body. That’s really the traditional reason for shooting a mirror scene like that where you’re surprised to see your hand move. A different face in the mirror would denote that you still look like you to yourself but everyone else is seeing something different.

Also, mirrors fit wonderfully into vampire lore (cough the mirror between us) and it would be cool to have them pop up.

By the time we hit the second pinch point at the 65% mark, we should have a good idea of who Ell is and hopefully have Laura understand her. I’d like if some of Laura’s growth could be not immediately jumping to conclusions about people. I’d also put the Bronte’s Evil reveal here.

The 75% mark or third plot point should be your lowest point of the movie, the moment when everything goes wrong and forces our heros to pick themselves off their feet to throw themselves towards the climax. I haven’t actually decided what this is yet but I kind of like something bad happening with/to Carmilla. Specially, I like that scene where it’s Carmilla all in black and grabbing old timey Laura. But until we get more information, we don’t really have anything to go on with that one.

At some point we have to hit our climax but again, without knowing who our antagonist is, I have no idea how to call this. I’d say that Laura somehow gets Carmilla back, Ell joins their team, and evil is vanquished. Somewhere in there, Ell and Carmilla get their reconcillation and then let’s end with a Hollstein engagement because I WANT IT AND YOU CAN”T STOP ME.

(for more details on all of this, you can see the post I wrote with my theories based on only the character names which turned out more accurate than expected). 

But there you go cupcake. With no research and written in 10 minutes based only off things I happened to remember, here’s what I’ve got. I tried my best. 

Hope that helps

[boyswanna-be-her]

goretober: space

“Hey, it’s me. Don’t be mad.”

Amal is mad.

She told the goddamn CAPCOM to keep her wife home--to keep Carmen out of all of this as much as possible. She asked him as a colleague and as a friend.

So what the fuck is her wife doing on this transmission?

“I know you hate it when I say shit like this, but it’s totally OK for you to be stressed out right now. You’ve been alone for a long time.”

Amal isn’t afraid of being alone.

She’s trained for years, prepped, spent months in carefully monitored isolation like a zoo animal. Amal can do years alone standing on her head.

Being alone wouldn’t be a problem.

The problem is that Amal is not alone.

“This stuff you’re seeing--this stuff that’s happening--it’s because you’re stressed.”

Carmen is being so careful with her voice and Amal can’t decide how she feels about that. Angry, she decides, because Carmen feels like she has to be careful. Thankful that someone exists back on earth who cares enough to want to treat her gently. Frustrated that Carmen--along with everyone else in Houston--doesn’t believe her.

“I can’t say we perfectly understand why it might be happening, but all of your vitals have been relatively normal.”

“Fuck my vitals,” Amal says to the empty capsule. “It’s not my vitals that are freaking me.”

She hasn’t been alone for three days, and if everyone back at mission control would just listen for half a minute, they’d know that.

“Please, Amal, take the diazepam. Get some sleep.”

She knows how much Amal hates being sedated. They all do. It’s part of what makes Amal such a good candidate for a years-long solo mission like this. She’s never been interested in sleeping away problems or worrying about them less.

You identify the problem. You assess the problem. You work the problem. That’s what astronauts do, and Carmen knows that because she’s been through the same training, been through the same emergencies on missions. Those situations should’ve been terrible--the type of thing to knock you down onto the therapist’s couch for a solid decade--but had instead been exhilarating for all of them, for the entire crew, and though Carmen and Amal never talked about it, she knew Carmen felt it.

Carmen may have started in Star City as a physician, but they all came out on the other side of Hermes I as astronauts.

Their minds went somewhere else--became something else--when potential catastrophes presented themselves in space. Training kicked in and took the situation out of their hands, the spectres of their months of drills in a swimming pool suddenly conjured up.

The crew became a troupe of dancers working through complicated choreography when they tackled problems together, and in the same way that Amal imagined a dancer might feel a high coming off of a good performance, they all knew the distinct sensation of seeing death’s design, understanding it, and dismantling it.

They beat death over and over again. Hell, manned space exploration in itself was an exercise in conquering death over and over and over again.

Fires. Breaches. Malfunctions.

None of those things were ever solved by popping a pill and zipping in for seven hours.

“Anyway, try not to be mad at Patrick for calling me in. I was already up anyway--and to be honest? He’s not the only one down here worrying about you.”

Amal snorts. “No shit, babe. I’m in charge of a multi-billion dollar operation and you all think I’ve lost my marbles.”

She lets herself wish for one split second that Carmen was there to roll her eyes.

“I’m not going to stick around for your transmission back because I know you’re going to tell me that you took your diazepam and you’re about to strap in for bed.”

Carmen is lying of course. Amal knows there’s no chance she’d split without waiting for a response.

“I love you Amal. I’ll talk to you on Tuesday.”

###

Carmen has been sitting at the empty desk next to Patrick, pretending desperately to pay attention to what he’s saying instead of staring at the time on his monitor.

She should’ve responded by now. Right? It’s been fifteen minutes. What’s she doing up--

“Shit, here we go,” Patrick says.

Carmen watches a status bar on the computer monitor tick up until it’s full and then there she is, floating a few feet away from the camera.

Carmen’s wife never looks different in space like everyone else does.

Space suits Amal, strangely. Her face doesn’t puff up like Carmen’s always had, and her close-cropped hair doesn’t need to be pinned and looped and braided like Carmen’s. No, in zero gravity and halfway to Mars, Amal still looks the same. The bruise-dark smudges beneath her eyes are the only real change.

She needs to sleep.

“She’s too pretty to be real,” Patrick sighs out--and Carmen laughs because their mutual and very gay friend Patrick is the only person in mission control, she thinks, who she doesn’t mind commenting on her wife’s appearance. Coming from anyone else’s mouth, it would either be completely irrelevant or totally inappropriate.

Coming from Patrick it’s ok because he knows she’s thinking the same thing.

Carmen’s heart is full to bursting every time she sees her. That’s part of why Carmen hasn’t been hanging out in mission control. It makes being apart too hard.

They’ve done this before. They got through it. Amal’s first stint on ISS was the hardest, but it all got easier after that. Carmen knows from experience that she deals best with her wife’s absences when she continues on with her own research on earth in the meantime.

This is the part she hates--the part they both try to avoid. These little snippets, these short speeches they deliver and then shoot through space to each other. It’s worse than not communicating at all.

In the fifteen-minute-old video, Amal reaches up to stabilize herself, grabbing handles on either side of the comms unit. It gives Carmen the uncanny feeling that her wife is reaching out, grabbing her by either side of the face, begging her to pay attention.

“I know it’s impossible,” Amal says--and her voice has a ragged edge now. “I know it doesn’t make sense. But I’m not alone in here. And I’m not taking a fucking xanny so that everyone can rest easy about me being sedated. I need to be sober if I’m going to--”

Amal goes still and it takes a beat before Carmen realizes that Patrick has paused the video.

“What’s up?”

“There’s something wrong with the unit,” Patrick says, frowning and leaning in to peer at the monitor closer. “There’s a reflection or--hm. Why’s it doing that?”

Carmen leans in and she sees it now, too. Amal’s face is being reflected in the observation bay window--but that doesn’t make sense.

“It can’t be a reflection,” she says. “It’s behind her.”

The statement makes Carmen shiver. It’s behind her. Like something out of a B-movie. The call’s coming from inside the capsule!

“Weird,” Patrick says. “I used to get rando visual artifacts from transmissions but I thought I fixed that. Whatever, I’ll worry about it tomorrow.”

With one hand, Patrick massages the bridge of his nose and with the other, he taps play on the video.

“--figure out who or what is fucking with me up here,” Amal continues.

Carmen’s heart drops. The more Amal talks like this, the more worried she gets. Why won’t Amal just bed down for a few hours? This is ridiculous.

“Anyway, I’ve got it under control, I’m working the problem, and it’s not like you can do anything for me from where you are.”

In the recording, Amal releases the handles and kicks off the wall, tucking her hands behind her head as she floats backwards.

“And Carm? You know I love you baby but the whole Nurse Ratched routine doesn’t really fit for you.”

Carmen rolls her eyes, sighs, leans back in the chair. At the same time, Patrick is leaning forward.

“Holy shit. Holy shit.” He goes stiff and suddenly he’s holding the desk like it’s the only thing tethering him to the earth. “Fuck. No. This isn’t… Carmen, what the fuck?”

She sees it then, the thing that’s set him off.

Amal is moving, drifting, playing it cool like she always does.

Her reflection is doing none of those things.

“It’s not a reflection.”

“It’s a messed up transmission artifact, like you said,” Carmen says shrugging.

“--Also, I totally know you didn’t just drive home without an answer from me, so quit being tacky and lying to me where Patrick can hear.”

Patrick is absolutely still beside her. He’s holding his breath. Why is he holding his breath?

It’s so odd to watch the two images of her wife on the screen: the Amal speaking clearly, joking, ribbing Carmen just like they’re sitting in their living room together, and the Amal who is a mirror image of herself, grainy but still just visible in the background.

“It’s not an artifact, Carmen.”

The reflection takes a breath. The reflection opens its mouth.

Very quietly but unmistakably, the reflection says its own name.

“Amal.”

The Amal in the front, the commander of this mission, hears it just as plainly as they have both heard it down here, so far away in Houston.

Amal’s biceps twitch. Her spine crooks. She falters in the air, moving her limbs to try to move her body, to face the noise, flailing and looking for an instant like someone who doesn’t understand the way a zero gravity environment works.

It’s panic.

She’s panicked.

In the eight years that Carmen has known her wife, she has never seen her panic.

Through fires. Through breaches. Amal doesn’t scare and she certainly does not panic and it is not until this moment that Carmen is truly frightened.

As Carmen watches, the center of her entire universe, the unshakeable core of what has made life bearable, the human vessel into which Carmen has placed all of her hopes for the future fights for leverage in a tin can hurtling towards a planet 55 million miles away.

Finally, Amal kicks a wall and spins to face her reflection--and now Carmen can’t deny it. She’s wrong. It’s not a reflection. It can’t be an artifact. Carmen struggles to make sense of what she’s seeing.

Amal faces her double and lets out a single yelp, hoarse and high and odd, a sound Carmen has never heard her make before. Amal--the wrong Amal, the one in the back, the thing that cannot possibly be her--Amal smiles.

Just as it had before, a moment passes before Carmen realizes that the video has stopped. She looks desperately to Patrick, but he hasn’t paused it.

The transmission is simply over.

[cwnannwn]

Blood, Sand, and Thunder

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Carmilla (Web Series) Rating: Teen and Up Audiences  Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein Characters: Carmilla Karnstein, Laura Hollis, others are mentioned Additional Tags: Non-Graphic-Violence, Mad Max AU Summary: Sand whipped around her. The roar of the motorcycle filled her ears, making it impossible to focus on anything else. The old, almost derelict pistol was in her hand in barely a second. It was empty almost as fast. The screams were soon left behind, and all Carmilla had to worry about was the sand constantly scraping her skin and trying to get into her eyes. At least she didn’t need to breathe. 

Carmilla and Laura lead raiding parties against two of Lilita's bases. Something goes wrong with Laura's attack. Oneshot set in a possible Mad Max au.

Thanks to melimegreenleaf and laurahhollis for reading over this for me!

On AO3

Sand whipped around her. The roar of the motorcycle filled her ears, making it impossible to focus on anything else. The old, almost derelict pistol was in her hand in barely a second. It was empty almost as fast. The screams were soon left behind, and all Carmilla had to worry about was the sand constantly scraping her skin and trying to get into her eyes. At least she didn’t need to breathe.

Easier to keep control, if she couldn’t smell the blood flowing freely from those wretched bastards.

Maybe Mother was getting tired of playing games. This base was barely garrisoned, only a few blood-addicted humans, a couple of fledglings, and few weapons to protect it all. Not many supplies in it either, but more than in the last couple of raids around the western borders. It was tempting to think Maman might be considering moving somewhere else, but Carmilla knew better. She must discuss this with Mattie as soon as possible, her older sister could have more insight on what kind of trap Mother was planning.

First, however, Carmilla’s little band turned south. Another one of their raiding parties was attacking a Summer outpost. Mel and the other ‘true’ summers, those who had defected after Vordenburg had taken control, informed them on what to expect here. Where the defenses were weakest, how much opposition there was. Enough food to last a year. Livestock, if they had the time to carry them off and if they could be quiet enough. And, most importantly, gasoline for half a year. Or as much as they could carry.

Almost too good to be true. Carmilla wasn’t so sure about the accuracy of those claims. Maybe they were true when Mel was there, but Carmilla wondered if she and the others were allowed to escape purposefully, to set up a trap.

Whatever was the case, the plan was for one raiding party to head in the direction of the other, and if they weren’t done with the raid already, to help them out.

Carmilla was on edge. There was no reason to be, the attack had gone about as good as it could have. Even if the baron’s forces had made a trap, the other group was prepared for the possibility, they knew what to do. She knew what to do.

Gunshots in the distance, the sound of unfamiliar motors accompanying it. Every other vampire in the convoy perked up. So, a trap after all. Carmilla growled. The red raze she had escaped from before came back in full force. With no command necessary, the entire raiding party went at full speed towards the Summer compound. Passing a low hill, the flashing gunfire became visible, illuminating the night at quick intervals.

And ahead of it, their own forces. Some of their vehicles had been too damaged, arranged to form a square around the survivors. They shot ferociously at the summers, but it was clear they could not hold on forever.

Carmilla signaled at her forces. They divided into groups of four and five, veering towards the low hills that the second raiding party was nestled between. Exactly when the enemy was almost on them, Carmilla’s group flew over, raining makeshift grenades and bulletfire over Lilita’s minions.

The landing impact was strong, but Carmilla’s motorcycle held. It would need repairs later, she noted distantly. The biggest part of her mind was concentrated on the deep breath she took. Smoke. Gunpowder. Gasoline. Sweat. Blood. So much blood. Her blood.

But not enough to be fatal. No, it wasn’t, couldn’t be.

Screaming over the gunfire, Carmilla ordered half of her forces to keep the summers at bay, and the other to take up whatever survivors they could find.

As she turned around to do the same, a hulking figure slipped through their fire, aiming at her. Before Carmilla could even move, a shot was fired, whizzing by her ear and striking the enemy down. A shouted ‘Hey!’ reached her ears, and Carmilla finally could breathe again.

There was maybe half of their original force left. More than Carmilla could have hoped for. At the middle of their firing line, shouting orders like she was born for it, was one Laura Hollis. There was no time for talking, Carmilla could fall to her knees in relief when they were not being shot at. She screamed over the gunfire.

“Laura, up!” Slowing down just enough, Carmilla extended her hand. Laura smiled tiredly at her, catching her hand and jumping on the back of her bike as well as she could. That was when Carmilla noticed the blood was coming from a wound in her leg. Laura’s arms squeezed Carmilla’s middle, her head rested against her back for a second before she spoke.

“Ambush, it was an ambush. There’s Zetas here too, Vordenburg must have mixed the forces. They came from nowhere. Jake gave the alarm,” Laura’s voice was almost lost to the wind, but Carmilla heard the break in it loud and clear. “We lost so many,” it was barely a whisper. Carmilla felt Laura’s head pressing against her back again.

“We can lose them in the mountain passes, they’re using the Zeta spikes,” Carmilla nodded and, with one last look around to check all the survivors were being similarly carried, gave the order to retreat.

The spiked monstrosities the zetas drove could easily impale any of them, but could never hope to catch up to the nitro bikes JP had designed, especially not once they reached the mountains. It didn’t take long for the thunder of their motors to fade away, replaced by the rushing wind and terrible silence of this new world.

It would be another three hours before reaching their main base. Laura hadn’t talked anymore, and others of her group were wounded too. Heading for a small valley hidden slightly off-course of their objective, Carmila slowed down. The others followed. “We’ll make camp here for an hour, do the best repairs you can in that time. Fledgelings stay by your elder’s side.” older vampires could control themselves around fresh wounds well enough. The younger ones she wasn’t so sure about.

Finally stopping, Carmilla turned off her motorcycle, planting her feet back on the ground for the first time since going out for this mission. Laura’s arms let go of her. With difficulty, she got off the bike first.

Carmilla quickly dismounted, getting the small, barely adequate emergency kit they all carried from her duffle bag. Laura had found a rock to sit on, but she wasn’t paying attention to the blood slowly dripping from the bullet wound in her leg. Her eyes were jumping from one person to another. Headcount. Carmilla approached slowly and sat by her side.

“Can I take a look at that, Cupcake?” she tried to keep her voice as even as possible. Laura didn’t seem to hear her. Carmilla sighed, frowning with worry. Carefully, she took Laura’s hand. Laura didn’t pull away. Instead, she squeezed back. With what looked like great effort, she tore her eyes away from one of the younger raiders gritting their teeth while another clumsily set their apparently broken arm to look back at Carmilla.

The exhaustion in Laura’s face was clear, but what worried Carmilla more was the pain in those eyes. Leaning forward, Carmilla bumped her forehead against Laura’s gently. “You couldn’t have know, Laura. Mattie and I, and JP and LaF and all the others, we tried to think up as many ways Maman could have set up a trap as possible. Vordenburg hasn’t acted by himself in decades, you couldn’t have know.”

Laura exhaled a trembling sigh, her eyes closing. “I know Carm, I know,” she sounded so tired. Knowing didn’t make living in this forsaken world any easier. It didn’t before the apocalypse, it sure didn’t after it either. Carmilla was very aware of that.

“Can I clean this?” Carmilla gently touched Laura’s wounded leg. Laura nodded against her, before pulling away and letting Carmilla take care of the wound.

The shot had gone clean through, no bullet fragments in it. Good. But it had also been left exposed to all this damned sand until now. Carmilla only had water to clean it with, and after letting Laura drink up as much she needed, did so. A crude antiseptic Mattie had taught LaF how to make out of the very few plants that grew in this desert came next. Finally the bandages, as clean as there was hope for them to be.

When Carmilla was done, their hour was almost up. Ten minutes until they had to keep going. Their combined forces were finishing up, chatting in low voices among themselves. Carmilla took her seat again next to Laura.

Her golden eyes were fixed on the sky. That was one of the first things they had bounded over. Laura had made up a thousand stories for the stars, the moon and the few satellites still in orbit. Carmilla had a thousand more but those had been dreamt up by many people before their time. She preferred Laura’s versions, but Laura had been fascinated by those old tales.

Carmilla raised her head, searching for Orion’s belt in the clear night sky. After a moment, she felt Laura get closer to her, resting her head against Carmilla’s shoulder and wrapping an arm around her middle. Carmilla smiled, letting her arm snake around Laura’s shoulders. It was a small comfort, but these short minutes stargazing with Laura settled Carmilla’s soul for a time. She hoped it did the same for Laura.

The world ended and Maman was still a tyrant. The world ended and humanity forgot almost everything it had learned. The world ended, and Carmilla found the love she had always searched for. The world ended, and Carmilla would make it burn all over again before letting it take Laura away from her.