#cant believe this is all gone now...
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anyway, heres me and my son riding the carousel one last time before the end.
#chimeraland#cant believe this is all gone now...#sorry you can hear my keys squeak i forgot that program was running
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The second fic idea is a what-if scenerio where Jimmy dies in the crash due to and altercation with Curly and how Curly would navigate being Captain once he has to notice the little things and how he and Anya's relationship develop as he adopts an identical view point to hers rather than just keeping the peace.
And maybe i will write it but only time will tell tbh but it's stuck in my brain dome for the time being.
#cause even if it got to Curly snapping and killing Jimmy for the sakes of the crew would you not have that guilt in being responsible for#anothers death espcially with all the responsibility on his shoulder and how he realizes he tried to be reponsible for things and made them#worse like the guilt drives Jimmy insane even if he doesnt admit like imagine Curly who would care so much and wonder if it shouldve#been him not to mention Anya being free from Jimmy but still not his actions and having to navigate still being stuck with the pregnancy an#the shallow feeling because relief doesn't mean happiness like i think shed believe shed be happier that Jimmy cant get to her anymore but#what now that their stuck? That the Captain is faltering and they are stranded for like another 6 months? If they even make it that long?#Like he may be gone but all his damage is still there and thr wounds fresh like its such a good concept i just cant divide my attention lik#that as i am still in college and it is sadly midterms#anyway uhhhh I just really want to write a fic where Curly and Anya can have that hard conversation on how he handled Jimmy constructively#and without him looking like undercooked skirt steak like there would be those moments where it lingers between the monotiny of staying#alive but how would they even address it? what comes first the sorry or the list of why he should be? like Curly places a lot of value on#his use to others and its interesing and subtle and its mostly directed between Jimmy who steers it and Anya who rides along with it#like go the thoughts and ideas i have but not the fuckin time!!!!#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly#curly mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#also daisuke and swansea are there but like i still have to think of the reflections they have and how to play with their characters in thi#idea world but yeah I want Curly to make amends and Anya to rediscover her autonomy and living outside that fear.
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taco and mephone have fascinating parallels more people could explore if taco haters weren't biased cowards
#meeple.txt#inanimate insanity#ii taco#ii mephone4#dare i maintag this. watever#like taco haters r obsessed with the idea that taco is ruining herself worse and dragging everyone down with her#when shes literally just doing the challenge mephone created and even changes her intentions on hosting the challenge partway through#bc shes REALIZING how badly everyones been affected by the show just as she was#and she uses the attention she now has and urges them to leave and escape because she doesnt want anyone to end up like her#she believes shes past saving Yes#but thats exactly why shes trying to help the others avoid getting to the extent shes gone#meanwhile even when getting his wrongdoings slapped in his face mephone doubles down bc thats all he knows#thats all he feels safe with. he cant let himself trust and be vulnerable and its ruining his life and all his relationships along with him#it says SO MUCH about both mephones and tacos arcs that MEPAD. the one whos been inseparable to mephone from the Start#is seeing more hope of improvement in TACO than mephone#taco the infamous villain to everyone since s1. since before mepad was ever conscious#if anything mephone is the one ruining himself in denial and hurting others in the process#and im not saying that to vilify mephone either !!!! before you 0 nuance bitches come in#if it wasnt obvious from my entire page i LOVE mephone and i LOVE where theyre taking his character. make that man Worse ❤️#but i feel like so many ppl are just projecting mephones arc onto taco bc they dont wanna admit mephone has Issues
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#my brother and his wife lost their unborn baby...#she was 30weeks pregnant...#still cant believe it#been crying all day#they literally had everything ready for the baby#and now its just gone....#cant imagine the pain thay are going through#*they
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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so obsessed with susato that i forgot that her saving holmes's life wasn't something i just made up in my head but implied by the game to have been What Actually Happened.
#mikotoba susato#she's so everything. literally who is doing it like her. fantastic phenomenal iconic brilliant amazing etc etc#tgaa spoilers#dgs#i've always thought that susato's perspective on the direct aftermath of the shooting would be extremely interesting to explore#largely in part due to her treatment of holmes's wound blending his past with mikotoba and his present with the girl he is actively#devastatingly lying to whom he now owes his life to. and all the complicated emotions that must arise from that for him and then for her#when she eventually learns the truth#but also in part due to how her reputation in gregson's (and barok's too potentially?) eyes must have been changed afterwards. they both#know her as the almost eternally composed judicial assistant and they respect her for that in spite of their prejudices but she now she's#gone and saved a man's life and i think that respect grows... deeper? more personal? as a result. and regardless of how poised and composed#susato is she must have been somewhat shaken by the events right? she was probably terrified. and being questioned right after she's#bloodied her hands and clothes cant have helped so i imagine they must have seen that too. seen her more as the person she is rather than#just the title she possesses.#which i think would be interesting to explore. lots of untapped potential here i need to go back and replay to see if there is a slight#change in how gregson and barok interact with her but i believe there was. there shouldve been even if there wasnt idc#she is the moment. no one will ever come close 😤✊
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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I just called my local-ish comic store to ask if they could order the first issue of the New Scaremester comic and the Pride issue, because when I went in a couple weeks ago they only had the second one.
I still bought it, but I've been holding off on reading it. The guy on the phone didn't seem sure they'd be able to get them though, so fingers crossed.
#monster high#monster high comics#monster high new scaremester#when i initially went in the girl checking me out offered to see of they could order more but i was so overwhelmed at the time#it was crowded as hell for a wednesday late afternoon#i was just gonna see of i could order it online but the shipping on all the sites i tried was more than the comic itself#worse comes to worse i wait until may when they're released as a volume#my curiosity for these is winning over my ire for them#i didnt think theyd be popular in my area but when i went in they only had two copies of the second issue left#and i think that was on release day#i honestly cant believe i worked up the nerve to call lol i have so much phone anxiety#i feel lucky i have a comic store near me and i think its the only one around for a while#we used to have a newbury comics but thats been gone for a while now#miss that store#shit i just realized...if they only order one copy of the pride comic i wont be able to choose the cover#i guess thats no biggie...#text post
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having the time of my life rn
#im just gonna dump this here bc i srsly cant go with this anywhere else cause my veins are about to pop#going on bsky really making me realize that my art simply got carried by the algorithm and not bc ppl actually like it i feel lol#i crawl back to twt bc im so addicted to the notification pop up there at least there i can feel like i actually matter#everyone has been getting serotonin from bsky but for me it was the exact opposite most friends also dont care for bsky so im just alone#maybe its also just the realization that perhaps there is nothing left for me on this earth#i put so much of my selfworth into the stupid numbers online and now im paying the price for it#my mental health is so bad rn i cant go a single day without feeling like i wanna end it today or i wont live past my 30s nor that i even#WANT TO live past my 30s my passions are gone dont have goals in life anymore like whats even the point maybe this really is the final#nail in the coffin for me lol i dont even think anyone cares for me beyond a personal surface level not even my family im so done with lif#im so eaten up by jealousy in every aspect of my life and i have had to bottle it up for so long bc nobody actually gives a shit even if i#openly talked about it to whoever how its making me miserable but its always the “just think about the good in life :)” there is none#i honestly wished for several years i shouldve been dead or at least not exist physically anymore and it was only the clout online that kep#me alive for better or worse but now im starting to believe this was all jsut lies too lol ngl i just wanna crawl into a hole and never ge#back out of it anymore i dont think anyone would even miss me anyways lol
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Me: no I'm over my Avengers obsession actually, I've moved on to other things and am no longer interested in the characters
*stays up until 2am rewatching clips from all the pre-Endgame mcu movies*
Me: oh no
#tony flying the nuke into the wormhole scene my beloved#iron man 1 suit up scene my beloved#tony fighting bucky with the watch repulsor my beloved#literally any scene of tony and steve interacting my beloved#all the irondad scenes ofc#those go without saying#girlies you would not believe the irondad fics i have in my wip folder#just waiting to be finished#will they ever actually get finished however????.... maybe#now i just want to write an au where peter is one of the og avengers tho#like#peter cant go apprehend loki with the others because he needs to go home before may realises he skipped school#tony being such an asshole to peter because hes not gone through all the character growth yet and isnt soft tony yet#but he likes the kid really and doesnt know what to do about that#i have a vision#and if i can forget anything endgame onwards ever happened maybe i will actually write it#tony stark i love you so much man#my post
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#wendell#fortnite#so i just found out that my mom cooked smth delicious at home#and only now she decides to cook one#she didnt cook anything while i was staying there when this stupid house that i dont even own is being fixed#she specifically wait for me until this house is “done” aka has a bed even though theres still no clean water or fixed fences#and once im gone she goes back to cooking good food again#and she expects to be normal about this? to not get mad??? after all of my emergency money used up to fix someone else's house?????#i cant believe she expect me to respect or love any of them with this kind of treatment#i wanna cut off them so bad too bad im traumatized and my whole life ive only been striving for their attention and praises#and if i lose it my mental is gonna go down the drain#i hate this so much#how dare she says that she treat all of her children equal#when she only sing praises to my sibling for being able to achieve the assigned goal they made for him#and for my other sibling who now has 2 grand children#they think they didnt know they never talk about me to other people because im the shame of the family#while keep asking me money and making me pay for my brothers family needs#even though they all make the same or even more than me#i hate it#is it because im gay? or what?#like im still your son goddammit that is not ok#fuckkkkk
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sigh
#i think the universe is playing a prank on me here#that at age 14 i went#'rip to rose but i would never fall in love with the doctor could never be me'#and then to be faced with 13 and the realisation that rip to rose but im not different#and then and THEN#they put this fucker back in there so now im#here#like#ive done my best for my lesbianisms#ive put work into my lesbian tendencies alright#not a lesbian but i believe in their beliefs deeply#so like excuse me mr tennant but you cant just get back in here and have me googling#your fucking eye colour#just bc im that far gone for the thIRTEENTH doctor#thirteen. alright. hear me? mr tennant. thirteen.#its brown btw#which is great for the sentence i was about to write but thats really my only win here#deep deep sigh#i dont even like him!#likewith all due respect it wasnt mr wet sad puppy eyes who had me looking up the kinsey scale at 2 in the morning after the giggle alright#im hijacking his whole noble-temple-doctor happy ending just to write more thasmin and yET#yet i find myself#here. googling david tennants eye colour#we find ways to keep struggling on dont we#hes not that special!!!!!
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:(
I really need a hug
Hold those you love close tonight. For me?
#ramble corner with major#rant#tw rant#vent#tw vent#people who dont want to hear me dont have too then#sigh#i dont often complain or am upset about stuff#i like being the person who everyone looks too for joy#like oh major is okay so i can be too#tw death#death#i miss her already#i just cant believe it#like i know to some people its just a pet. its just a cat?#when i say she was my best friend#i mean it#sorry to be all upset on main#but its 11.40pm and im baking cookies and crying into the cookie dough and just#i miss her so much#ill delete this later#so it dosent clog up the dash#but#delete later#my darling my sweetheart my entire world#the reason i was still alive two years ago#shes gone and ill never see her again#and i dont know what to do now#:(
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Not very fond of people like waving off testament’s gender as just a Gear Thing but well at least it becomes funny when people apply it to gears as a whole. Like yeah i can agree with that. It has nothing to do with being a gear tho theyre all just transgender
#okay ill talk about it seriously down here#it does feel like the original intent behind their androgyny was to kind of Other them from humanity#daisuke saying theyve transcended humanity / talking about their ‘inhuman beauty’#i dont want to call it dehumanizing since theres like. a weird positive (…i guess) angle of them being ‘above’ humanity#thats just kind of a trope though. like nonhuman characters without a human concept of gender or sexuality. yknow#but anyway strive didnt really go back on this. they kinda made it a part of their arc?#i think dev backyard says that theyve ‘lived without the concept of gender’ since being turned into a gear#but theres no disconnect from humanity that goes along with that anymore#i like the implication that reconciling with humanity and more importantly their OWN humanity coincided with their presumable transition!#alright now for the part of this i dont like. its weird to assume the gear conversion had some effect on their body and THATS why theyre nb#i think any implications of that are vague enough to be dismissed#i wouldnt even call them Implications its like. messy (and contradictory!) early 2000s phrasing and a theory about 1 line of dialogue lol#early fandom stuff im aware of but dont know enough to talk about aside. nowadays its just used to like#excuse their androgyny. by gamers who cant just. believe that theyre nonbinary because they want to be. lol#not because of anything that was done to their body against their will. or even more simply because theyre just a gear and are Above gender#literally theyre just nonbinary. isnt that cool. i wish everyone could agree this is cool and end the discussion there.#except for me. i can discuss it all i want forever. because im the understander.#whatever. at least the section of testament’s wiki page theorizing about their genitalia is gone now. kissaroo for whoever took that off.#I NEED TO WRITE UP THAT TIMELINE IM LITERALLY NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY IM AUTISTIC ABOUT TESTAMENT’S GENDER. CLEARLY#the kat goes meow#gg
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I feel so bad for zephyr, what are some of her happiest memories? Would it be first meeting the members of her local group? I assume they would be built after her, was she excited about them being built or was she not informed at all?
she wouldn't be very... Present. most likely hadn't managed to be there for every Iterator when they first came online. she is very removed from most of her group because she's unable to stick in the chats for too long with all the damage and her endless attempts to conserve herself as much as possible, so her interactions with others outside of the Anemoi (and this one guy called Orion's Pathway) are extremely limited
Boreas, though, ever the life-saver, updates her on any new Iterator projects being build, how are the already existing ones doing- see she is kind of hard to cheer up and as a rule she never really laughs, but oh hearing about successes of others always manages to make her happy. that has been a thing for her since day one!
so Boreas would make a list of the Eo group's achievements with Euros and Orion's help and he'd read them out for her during their routine calls. those calls are probably one of her happiest memories, since she got so much serotonin and motivation out of hearing about her family (n also just in general- their start might've been rocky but Zeph n B really really love each other [platonically ofc])
they might not Know her, only be aware that their senior is called Abet Zephyr and her appearances are strangely rare, but she loves them all. if she hadn't, it wouldn't be called Mission Self-preservation. it'd be way more revenge focused. her number one priority is the safety of her family even if she doesn't know them personally. she puts them above her anger, physical and emotional trauma cuz she just fuckin loves them that much
her other happy memories include some stuff with Sparrows! after Zephyr allows her opinion about the Ancients develop, she finds herself glad whenever Sparrows would show up to do some more repairs and spend some time with the old humidifier. jgklsdmclk just like with a grandma, Sparrows would show her some stuff on her phone/Mechanic's watch and Zeph would be confused about it but she gets to spend the time with someone she likes so it's okay
along with Euros on a call the three of them would sing folk songs from Sparrows' home with Boreas usually listening in, very rarely joining in
Zephyr wasn't given overseers until Sparrows showed up for the first time, too, so when she synced with the eyes and took a peak outside for the first time in her life, that was... that stuck with her as a strong memory, too. can't exactly say it was a Happy memory, but only cuz there was so much happening in her emotionally in that moment that simplifying it to a singular one wouldn't really represent it right
here's her lighting up while Boreas tells her about positive recent events of the group
her antennas are broken- that's why they are always down like that- but Dammit she is Happy we Gotta wiggle 'em at least a wee bit
#Spot says stuff#rw#oc tag#oc: abet zephyr#Sparrows kinda sucks with the organical aspects of the iterators but she did her best to fix up Zephyrs spine too!#so having That portion of the pains elevated at least a little was also a great moment for her. it still sometimes give up n stops working-#-n it hurts again but thanks to that effort from Sparru its at least not a constant thing anymore#every time i think about off the string au with the eo group i think about boreas n zephyr finding each other and then boreas helps her get#-to everyone else to an agreed upon meeting point and then all the Anemoi see each other and euros notos n haboob then run at them and-#-hug the two fiercely.. and zephyr Actually starts laughing and doing her best to hug them all back- shes all clumsy about it but trying-#-So hard. and then she puts her hands on euros' shoulders and fully excited tells him 'euros- oh-! now that we are here free like this you-#-really have to teach me how to dance and play! you know..? just like Sparrows and her family used to!"#and for a second he pauses cuz oh that Hurts to remember they are gone but then he puts a hand over one of hers and with a little shaky-#-voice- but Warm so happy- he tells her ''y-yeah.. yeah of course i will- gods... i cant believe you still remember them.....' n he hangs-#-his head n all that... and zeph smiles n presses her forehead against his head n whispers to him 'of course i do. they were family.'
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need to sleep because i've now been awake for more than 36 hours but every time i close my eyes i just see cleo choking on her own vomit
#i spent the last ten hours of her life by her side i stayed awake all night which i didnt even know i was capable of but i was full of#adrenaline the whole time so i wasnt even tired.#im starting to feel the effects of no sleep or food or water for 36 hours now so i might try to sleep soon but .#her death was really traumatic :( her body couldnt handle the norepinephrine that they were using to try to raise her blood pressure#and she started moaning in pain because her heart was stopping and she vomited and aspirated#i cant unhear the noises she was making#ive been crying nonstop all day and i feel like im dying like my brain and body feel like they are shutting doing because they dont know#how to comprehend the grief i am experiencing#she was my whole world. my whole world. the single most important thing in my life#i cant believe shes gone i keep seeing her out of the corner of my eye#i just keep saying this isnt real this isnt happening#but she's gone forever#jemposting
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