#that as i am still in college and it is sadly midterms Tumblr posts

[dykedvonte]

The second fic idea is a what-if scenerio where Jimmy dies in the crash due to and altercation with Curly and how Curly would navigate being Captain once he has to notice the little things and how he and Anya's relationship develop as he adopts an identical view point to hers rather than just keeping the peace.

And maybe i will write it but only time will tell tbh but it's stuck in my brain dome for the time being.

[whilomm]

okay u kno what one thing i WILL yell at ppl on tumblr about: if ur voting in the u.s. make sure you check if Early Voting is an option for you, and if it is, VOTE EARLY. why:

its so much goddamn faster. the lines are so much shorter. For midterms and stuff I usually vote with zero line, just walk in and walk out, for presidential im expecting a line oc but like. 30-45 min if i go at a busy time as opposed to Four Hours like some of the hell lines ive seen. go early, avoid the line.

it helps the people who ARENT able to vote early (or just dont know its an option), cause it makes the election day lines just a bit shorter

get that shit outta the way instead of being anxious about it up until the day of. i mean. youll still probs be anxious about everything else to do w the election but at least not about "oh god how long will the line be".

Depending on where you are early voting might not be an option at all, or there might be bullshit to make it harder (putting the early voting centers mostly in wealthier/whiter parts of town, removing the college campus ones, weird times/dates, etc.) so im sure its a lot harder for some people than it is for me, but like. if you've never looked into it, at least take a min to check and see if itd be convenient.

where i am, early voting lasts like a week and a half, goes p much all day (with a couple of late days, tho sadly texas shut down the midnight voting they tried to do before)

theres usually fewer early voting centers than day-of centers, but its still generally enough that early voting tends to be super quick and convenient (tho there are sometimes issues with them closing down certain centers, like ugh, limiting the UT centers some years bc ohhh liberal college kids!!!)

and im sure not every place has this, but my county usually also reports current wait times so you can see which ones are gonna be fastest, and they tend to post on twitter if certain centers have no line. your county clerks office might do this too, but might also depend on ya kno. if youre in a big city or nah, how much your county wants to encourage voting, etc.

in austin tx at least, early voting is a breeze. most states allow early voting, though im sure some of them make it more difficult than others. if you're gonna vote, at least check if early is an option for you!

[tbzhours]

innocent crush

kevin x you, friends to lovers au, college au, fluff, confession

[summary] kevin plans a little too much for his confession to you [words] 2.2k [a/n] i apologize for the cheesiness/cringes you may or may not face in this fic... enjoy!

“Kevin… Kevin?”

“Yeah?” He snapped back into reality, turning his head to you as his leg stopped shaking under the table. His funny distracted face and pout made you laugh. 

“What’s up in your head that you didn’t hear me the first time?” You asked, grinning from the laugh still. His lips parted and no words were coming out. You didn’t notice because you looked down at the textbook in front of you, then you continued, “Anyway, what do you think about this idea?” 

As you tried to explain the physics of light and color, all Kevin did was gaze at you. His heart was racing, despite knowing you since the beginning of last semester. You always seemed so cool to him because everything you said made sense to him… If that even makes sense. This was your second semester together and you were glad to see him again because this physics class seemed hard and you knew no one in that big lecture room. Kevin was glad too because maybe he can finally confess to you. 

That’s only if Kevin could pull through with it. He’s been planning all week with his friends as they all waited until he decided the date because midterms were coming up. You both were partners for the group test so he thought maybe it would be okay to just do it no matter how nervous he was. The pressure from his friends was enough too because they didn’t want to wait a whole month for a small event (though it’s a big one to Kevin). 

Confessions aren’t supposed to take that long to make it happen. 

After studying together, you both were heading out. 

You turned to him after confirming another study day before the weekend and suggested, “Hey, do you want a drink? Let’s celebrate for finally understanding that damn light theory.” 

Kevin smiled as he noticed the reflected lights from the ceiling in your eyes and hoped you would understand his feelings when he finally confesses later. The thought made his cheek blush as he looked down at his feet. “Maybe next time. I have to get back soon for a show Sunwoo’s been making me watch with him.” 

“That sounds fun.” You said sarcastically. You chuckled afterwards, reaching the café where Changmin works as he smirked at Kevin behind the counter. You shrugged sadly then you patted his back, “Then here’s pat on the back for not dismissing my crazy ideas about it. See you soon then?” 

“Thanks. We can text each other if we have questions about anything.” Kevin added. Changmin rolled his eyes at the side and mocked his words. 

“Okay.” You smiled at him and before you pushed through the door, knowing you both were going separate ways, you wished him a “Good night.” 

He said the same back and once the door closed, Kevin heard Changmin’s slow claps behind him. 

“Wow, just wow.” Changmin commented, sarcasm filled. It was such his character that Kevin couldn’t stand him for watching everything he’s been doing. 

“What?” Kevin was offended and only turned his head back. 

“You can do better than that.” Changmin teased and his arrogant smile appeared on his lips. 

Kevin blinked a few times, looking around quickly. “I-I am doing better. We’re meeting up again on Friday, you know that.”

Changmin nodded, acknowledging his words quickly. “Of course. It’s finally happening.” 

“Then get it ready, and see you at the dorm later.” Kevin felt attacked as he left him with a tiny pout before walking out. He didn’t see the sneaky smile Changmin had. Of course, he was just playing around. 

At Kevin’s dorm, some of his roommates, Jacob and Chanhee, were cutting the heart papers for Kevin to write on. They made a pink petal mess on the floor as they fooled around with the hearts by putting them over their eyes and laughing. Sunwoo was in the kitchen, heading over to them with a bowl of ramen since the TV was there. 

Kevin arrived back and saw the mess. 

“Hey!” He whined as they all turned to him. What were the odds of having this much roommates? He walked over to them with his annoyed feet. “Why is it such a mess?” 

“You should be thankful we’re helping you get your babe.” Chanhee murmured, turning away quietly. Sunwoo chuckled at his comment, almost choking on his food while Jacob smiled and set the hearts down. He got up and patted Kevin’s back. 

“Kevin, you’re back! You don’t have to worry about the mess. We’ll take care of it.” Jacob smiled and let him go as he continued. “All you gotta do is write on the hearts for the hunt then you’re good to go.” 

“I don’t think my heart is ready.” Kevin frowned and sat down on the couch next to Sunwoo. He sulked into it while Jacob sat back down on the floor in front of Chanhee. 

“I think you’re gonna do just fine.” Jacob tried to cheer him up. 

Then there’s Sunwoo, eating without thinking about what he’s saying as his eyes stay stuck on the TV screen. “Yeah, it’ll be bad if you stutter, l-like t-t-this.” 

He earned a punch to the arm as he held over it, crying from the pain. 

“Better shut up before I steal all of your food.” Kevin threatened as everyone laughed. His frown was still there though. 

“Hey!” Sunwoo laughed, moving his food away. “Do you want us to be there with you or what?” 

“Of course not!” Kevin argued back. 

Changmin came back into the shared dorm and laughed quietly at them. Juyeon, who had been sleeping in all day since he was only taking online courses, came out of his room half-naked and laughed along. It was just another crazy night with Kevin’s roommates. 

Kevin was going to pull through as he wanted. Your study session for Friday was set so all he had to do was to be there earlier than usual. He got his little minions to help so now he was just waiting for you to arrive.

You were in one of your classes and as soon as you set your book down, Sunwoo, who was sitting beside you, opened your book and set a heart in there while you turned away to look back into your bag. He sighed in relief when you didn’t catch him. He smiled at you as you squinted before looking at the professor. 

Throughout the class, you didn’t see the heart until you got bored and flipped through your book and stopped at the page. Sunwoo peeked and cheekily smiled back at the front of the room as you read the first heart-shaped note. 

Hey, I like you. Can you guess who I am?

You gave a look at Sunwoo and he laughed quietly. He shook his head as he waved his hands at you because he knew what you were thinking. 

You tried to get this note out of your head and just went on with the day when you suddenly stepped on another heart-shaped paper, much like the first one. 

Thank you for picking me up. You almost blew me away.

You shook your head, chuckling at the funny joke. You waited until you got to your next class to put the note away when you found another one in your backpack. 

Ah… I wasn’t trying to hide. I’m slowly opening up to you.

This time, your heart really started to beat faster. Your face was flushed and all you could wonder was who it could be. For that, you decided to get a drink at the café beside the study area where you meet with Kevin frequently right after. You needed something else to distract you from these sudden confession notes.

Changmin happened to be there, though the plan was him having to call for you to give you a “free drink that someone already paid for ” but you walked up to him yourself. He grinned nervously as you seemed out of breath. 

“You alright?” He asked, looking down at the drink he just prepared. He wiped the bottom of it to steal some time before he could let you go. 

“Yeah, no. I keep getting these love notes and I have no idea who it’s coming from.” You sighed. 

Changmin chuckled and handed over the drink to you. “Well, here. This can cool you down hopefully.” 

“Thanks.” You took a sip from it then you flashed a look at back. “Wait, you’re giving this to me for free?” 

He smiled with a nod. “It’s on me. Well, kinda.” 

Changmin scratched his head slowly with an awkward smile. 

“Okay… Thanks, still.” You smiled, thinking how this was part of a plan or something but you brushed it off. “See you later!” 

You headed toward the table that you and Kevin would meet to study. You saw him sitting there from the distance, looking down at his book then you felt something weird on the cupholder of your drink so you turned it around. There was a heart note there again so you stopped at your tracks. 

We’re meeting soon. I’m getting nervous. Are you too?

When you looked up, Kevin was already looking at you. Your cheeks blushed upon his smile. It can’t be him, right? You walked up to him slowly, distracting your head again with the little conversations around you, and when you sat down in front of him, you couldn’t look at him in the eye. 

“You’re here.” Kevin greeted you with the same smile. He wiped his hands on his pants under the table, wondering if you noticed anything on the table. 

“Yeah.” You chuckled, nodding your head as you closed your eyes. Of course, you did. All of the little pieces on there matched the shape on your cupholder and it took you long enough to realize what he was trying to do. You looked up at him, showing your drink to him. “Is this you?” 

“Ah, I got caught, huh?” He whispered, looking back at you from the drink. 

“Kevin!” You whined softly then you sighed. “Were you trying to confess to me?”

“Why? Was it bad?” He asked with a small pout. His shoulders were closed up toward his chest and you could almost imagine his sweater paws curling under the table. 

“No, it’s just-” You paused before continuing. “You didn’t have to do all of that. I would have been okay if you confessed simply, like saying you like me.” 

“Really? I wasn’t done with it though.” His voice got quiet before you gasped.

“Don’t tell me you were planning to play on the piano too?” There was a piano in the study area you both were in and sometimes, there would be someone playing there. His smile told you it was part of the plan. You laughed, covering your face as you continued, “Kevin, seriously. You seemed like you went through a lot to get here, but please just tell me you like me instead.”

“Okay.” Kevin smiled shyly then after a quiet moment, he finally confessed, your name slipping through his lips first. “I like you.” 

You didn’t know how long your heart had been beating this fast today, but you wondered if he could hear it. Wait, it didn’t matter because you could hear his. 

“Great.” You smiled. “I like you too.”

He leaned over the table quickly after hearing your words back. “Really?!” 

“Why are you so shocked? I thought you knew.” Your hand came up to the table when you were about to face-palm yourself. Your smile formed even more from your tiny giggle. 

“I mean- I couldn’t assume so.” He looked away slowly in such a shy manner that you couldn’t help to shake your head. 

“Well, then… We confirmed our feelings. Can we study for that midterm now...” You asked, trying not to go so fast with this feeling. “After cleaning this table?” 

“Yes, we can.” Kevin chuckled but he wasn’t starting to clean nor you. He was looking at your drink and hesitantly asked, “Can I have some of your drink by the way?” 

“What?” 

“I ordered my favorite drink so I thought you might like it too.” 

You squinted at him as you slid the drink over to him. “Don’t tell me you’re thinking about doing an indirect kiss already.” 

“Well…” He took your drink and sipped on it with his cheeks turning red. He smiled softly behind the straw and continued, “We can have real kisses later when we’re ready.”

You were blushing way more than before so you started gathering the heart-shaped papers on the table so he wouldn’t notice them. “Okay, let’s get going with studying.” 

Kevin laughed and set your drink aside and just watched you clean up before you whined to him to help. Changmin was watching from afar and chuckled from the way Kevin was smiling at you. There’s something about that look that tells him, the confession was successful.

[pierswife]

@wyrmmak SOOOOOO TRUE well get ready for the Manda Lore Unlock cause this one is a fun story

Okay, let's go all the way back to November 2019. It's my third semester ever of college. I was doing so freakin good at avoiding leaks and spoilers for Sword and Shield (except for official release trailers) and was just SO excited to pick up my preorder after class (it was an 8AM Friday lecture and I sadly couldn't go to the midnight release even though I was invited got a call from gamestop that night and everything). I even requested the day off from work too because I'd be dammed Taco Bell kept me away from my pokemon and it was midterms too so extra excuse to request off (did this with Three Houses too fun fact). This is to set up how this man absolutely blindsided the fuck outta me when I first saw him.

So here I am, absolutely powering through this game having the time of my life playing it because idgaf what people say and idc how much a pokemon game may suck, if I have the ambition I'll finish it in less than a week. Keep in mind, I had no fucking idea who Piers was. And then I get to Spikemuth and I am ABSOLUTELY loving the vibe and the music and I am absolutely jamming out to everything. And then I get to him and he gives his little before battle speech thing and tbh I'm enthralled because I just love the way his dialogue was written and also just found it so cool that he was the still 7th gym leader without being able to dynamax his pokemon and honestly commended the fuck out of it (I'm not a big fan of it myself and only used it when I absolutely had to). I'm also just a sucker for his aesthetic and found myself getting a little crush after finishing his gym. Also his battle music was a fucking banger and I would just constantly listen to it for a few days after. And then we got to the lead up to Rose Tower and I fell harder when he just kinda shows up and basically is 100% down for some anarchy to help the kids stop Rose. And then GOD the post game where it shows that he's just such a good older brother and constantly worried for his sister, but also accidentally adopting the player character and Hop along the way and being the most tired mom friend like ever, icing on top of the cake. And I was cackling when at the end of the post game he gives you his rare trainer card and basically goes "never contact me for something like this ever again" and just LEAVES. Had me giggling like a maniac. So yeah by December that year I was pretty down bad.

Overall I just appreciate how he's a pretty chill and down to earth dude, but 100% is so fucking down for violence (think along the lines of "violence is the question and the answer is yes"). I also just love how like... prickly he seems on the outside before you do kinda get to know his character a little bit more. I've always found characters like that super neat in general! The more I learned about him the more I felt "hey, this would be someone I'd be super comfortable being myself around" and he wouldn't mind my Mentally Ill Moments and would actually sit with me and help me work through them (because my and a lot of people's headcanon is that he's been through some shit himself so he understands). I also have the old fic I wrote forever ago where he helped me repierce my ears (cause irl I was repiercing them in my bathroom lmao) and that was just absolute nail in the coffin I would die for this man. Tbh it's a mix of his mannerisms and how you could fill some stuff in with headcanons (a lot of which a majority of the fandom agreed on) and how I just see him as someone who I could just let my guard down around and relax that made me like him so much.

[a-study-in-darkness]

October 10, 2023

I got a lot accomplished for my art class today! I get to go to this gorgeous art studio on campus, where I got to finish up a couple of pieces for my portfolio report on Tuesday. When I have a bit of time, I'm considering doing a photo shoot here. I just love the view of all the trees turning orange and the ivy on the windows! It's a pretty old building, too, so the whole vibe just helps me melt into artist mode.

Here is the still-life display, as well as one of the pieces I finished up today.

It's been a fun study in low-key values (the light parts are a more mid-tone grey in person) with charcoal. I've never taken an art class before, so this last month has been super fun and informative. It has absolutely nothing to do with my major, but it has always been something I have wanted to do, and I needed some credits, so here I am!

Tomorrow I have to go to my Anthropology 100 class. It's the last class before our midterms and I am so behind on reading and studying! Anthro is probably getting all of my focus tomorrow.

I think it will be fun posting study/college updates on here. Hopefully, it helps keep me motivated, organized, and sane!

✨️ Feeling quite proud of myself

🏆 I finished multiple art pieces and organized my portfolio before the last minute!

📖 Sadly, no reading today

🎨 Two high-key and one low-key piece

🎵 My gothic folk playlist on spotify

📍 Studying and reading anthropology stuff gets a pin in it for tomorrow's goal

[ellipsis-guy]

50 things to do to seem smarter!

Hello! I really don't know how you discovered this part of the internet. I would love to assume that you are a serotonin-deficient almost drop-out college student who has papers due in 4 hours and has to study for midterms that haven't seen sunlight in days. Given this scenario, it's nice to think that I'm a great person who suffers from imposter syndrome but hell no! Sadly, it's no imposter syndrome, it's actually the real me! Hence, the creation of this list to seem like a smarter person!

Listen to experimental music/ an obscure song from an obscure source created during an obscure time like an Icelandic rock band during the hippie movement.

Use the word "social order" when pertaining to a group of people or to society in general.

Own a satchel... and yes, it must be made out of leather. I don't care if you are vegan, this is different since that cow willingly chose to be a piece of leather.

Only drink coffee if it is cold brew and from a French press and an espresso.

Own something older than you, perhaps a 1970s commercial typewriter that doesn't have ink because it is a norm! Duh...

SMOKE!!! Specifically smoke Marlboro Reds, especially during parties outside on the balcony. (I don't encourage you to smoke, it's bad but it's so intellectual)

Use the word "derivative" when describing the nuance of an object meanwhile, use the word "manifest" when describing the obvious.

Use graphs and diagrams when trying to explain a topic that doesn't need graphs or diagrams.

Have an affinity for works with lengthy titles like "Someone Who Will Love You for All Your Damaged Glory" or "Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not"

Collect quotes to use in random conversations, bonus if the quote is in a foreign language. It can go like this, "Hey, have you heard that Regina & George broke up after a 7-year relationship?" "If the partner becomes a God he can just easily become the Devil..."

Say that you are craving Ukrainian food for 3 years now...

Reblog the New Yorker. The only valid magazine out there, fuck you New York Times.

Perhaps enjoy a coffee from a convenience store or coffee machine and say that it's worker's coffee that tastes like shit but is consistent so you won't face any Coffee-esque Capgras' delusion.

Have a favorite cruciverbalist, columnist, or documentarian in your favorite newspaper.

Abuse the ellipsis... like make it your bitch!

Shoot random things at your home with a "digital camera with a flash-on lowlight" aesthetic.

Be in love with Evelyn McHale's photo or stuff that looks like The Smiths album cover.

Learn the art of the mixtape with an actual VHS and not spotify ewww... but they could still work tho.

When buying cheese, answer it like participating in a spelling bee. It's like, "Can I have the country of origin?"

Own a wine decanter because wine is a living and breathing organism which is something that an embryo would never be so stfu pro-lifers and deal with it.

When talking about your feelings and emotions, express them in metaphors and oxymorons.

Have a Criterion Collection or a Poster of your favorite film by your favorite director.

Rewatch children's cartoons cause there are probably things you missed from back then or you were just never loved as a kid.

Have a favorite Simpson's episode! if you haven't seen it, go watch it!

Record all the times you've cried and post a selfie with it with a review.

Back your vices and addictions with scientific claims regarding how beneficial they are.

Detest TED Talks with a burning passion considering how they create faux intellectuals in the current social order

Know what sarcasm is and how to identify it...

Carry a Moleskine journal filled with alien hieroglyphics that is your handwriting.

Try not to clean your glasses because you are thinking about more important things in life.

Be a twittertature writer or a blogger on tumblr even though you fucking hate writing!

Listen religiously to NPR or their podcasts.

Watch Marvel films and series that you enjoy ironically.

Start ridiculous conspiracies on Reddit that would have your account banned considering that they can spark the next world war.

Talk to the rat eating its m&ms on Youtube for hours because you don't know how to be vulnerable with your emotions. Yes, this is a personal attack.

Own a bike... that hangs on your wall because you don't know how to ride it.

Use Habitica and be active in a guild and the only remaining party member active in it.

When doing sports, wear proper gear with something slightly off

Make Notion formats for every project.

Play a game that can only be played through a Discord Game Refugee Server.

Make a zine, hopefully, something not about cheese.

Title your works in alliterations or puns to show wit.

Pirate textbooks and research articles, like how Jesus died for our sins; Socrates died for our knowledge.

Learn Morse Code and use it to communicate with your friends; if you have no friends, use it to communicate with the spirits of WWII vets in the cemetery.

Write your notes in a mirrored manner because you wanna write on a glass board cause it's cooler.

Use vegan recipes from meal kit delivery services without subscribing to them because fuck capitalism!

Join a Parliamentary Debate organization in your school to flex your intellectual muscles despite sucking at it.

Always buy Rye or Bourbon as your alcohol of choice.

Buy camping gear just in case the apocalypse happens or you suddenly want to escape your life right now and be a part of the post-modern beat generation.

Fall asleep to lengthy ass video essays with no proper fucking arguments.

I know there are other things that can make you look smarter so feel free to add a bit more. These things are mainly based on the observations of the people around me and people's typical descriptions of faux intellectuals.

[seokgyuu]

→ genre: smut, college au, crack → pairing: Wonwoo x Afab!Fem!Reader, Seungkwan x Afab!Fem!Reader → synopsis: you have never been a person who turns down a challenge, but when your best friend challenges you to hook up with 13 boys in one semester you kind of wish you were.

→ warnings: public sex, voyeurism, dirty talk, sub!seungkwan, spitting, fingering, handjobs, unprotected sex (pls don't be like y/n in this, be smart), noona use in a sexual way (help)

→  word count: 8.4k (a long one with two smut scenes!!)

previous ; masterlist ; next

A/N: hi! it hasn’t been 2 months yet!! aren‘t you all so proud? anyway, after a long fight with my old laptop that I sadly lost, I have now bought a new one and am severely broke BUT i can at least write and forget about that for a second. I hope you guys enjoy this monster of a chapter with one pretty big surprise that may or may not have been expected. Tell me what you think after in a message or a reply <3

taglist: @ariachavez168 @listxn @tea-and-regrets (if you wanna be added pls reply or send me a message!)

It was pretty clear from here on now that you were an idiot. The second you had said yes to seeing Mingyu again… it was over for you. Not the challenge or your determination to finish it, but the actual strength to leave him once you’ve met up to, well, do whatever you did, and then going to find a new person to seduce for your scheme.

Jiwoo had her own opinion about it and was very vocal about it, too. Everyday you would see her, she would give you that look, paired with a shake of her head and a “you are so screwed”, making you roll your eyes at her every time. It wasn’t like she was wrong. You just really didn’t want to hear her say how fucked you were.

Meanwhile, Jiwoo had finished her third task with a boy named Daehyeon from the engineering program and you were still clueless as to who you should hook up with next. Not to mention that Jiwoo had not allowed Mingyu to count as more than one guy just because you had found yourself in his bed the last three nights. You understood and accepted this, but you also truly hated the verdict. Because this meant you had to sleep with someone else while kind of seeing Mingyu. Even though you weren’t really seeing Mingyu. It was all a big old mess and you felt a strange relief when Mingyu texted you that he was gonna be away for the weekend.

“This means you can finally find another guy. Maybe two. Time is slowly running out, you know”, Jiwoo said once you’ve told her, both of you sitting on the floor of the university’s library, books scattered around you. It was close to midterms now and you had to study extra hard for this one stupid exam you had moved and moved time and time again because of how much you just didn’t wanna write it.

“Or I could just use this time to actually study, you know,” you mumbled as a response as your eyes scanned your page of notes. Jiwoo shrugged.

“Sure. If you are up for losing.”

Sighing, you leaned your head back against the shelve and closed your eyes for a second before looking back at your best friend who was writing something down on her iPad.

“You know, maybe I should. Lose, I mean. This whole thing is slowly getting out of my control and I do not like it.”

“Well, that does sound like a problem you could easily fix. For example, if you’re so scared about the boys you fuck knowing each other… just go clubbing and get someone there. Don’t limit yourself to the boys here, especially since I don’t have to approve of anyone anymore.”

You looked at her for a few seconds before taking one of your pens and throwing them at her.

“Hey!”

“Why did you only come up with this idea now, huh? Are you kidding me?”

Jiwoo’s expression changed from annoyed to a grin. Now it was her who shrugged, clicking her tongue as she put her iPad to the side and leaned forward to face you.

“Is it really my fault you didn’t think of this yourself, y/n?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. You felt your cheeks heat up and quickly you shook your head, looking down at your notes again. God, sometimes she was just so incredibly annoying. Instead of answering her, you just continued, opening one of the books to your side and ignoring her chuckle as she also went back to work.

The two of you were just finishing up, putting all the books back to where they belonged, when you suddenly heard a voice behind you.

“Y/N?”

You turned around, books still pressed to your chest, and almost dropped them all when you saw who had been calling for you. Oh no. This was really the last thing you needed right now.

“W-Wonwoo, hey,” you stuttered, clearing your throat as your face began to burn. Where was your confidence now, huh? He could have not picked a worse moment than this, you with your thoughts all over the place, your whole appearance a mess, hair sticking out of your ponytail and your jeans a little to big, hanging on your body in the most unflattering way. Still, the way he looked at you, with a strange sense of affection and maybe even yearning, you figured he did not feel the same way about your appearance today. Great.

“How have you been?” he asked then, hands awkwardly in the pockets of his jeans. You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded slowly, thinking carefully about what to say.

“I’ve been well, just busy. I have to take this exam and I feel like I will never be as prepared as I probably should be, so. Yeah… what about you?”

Jesus, this felt horrible. You felt horrible. You had treated him like a used tissue, throwing him away the second you had finished and now he was standing in front of you, talking to you when you knew it was probably hurting him one way or another.

“I’ve been busy too, tournaments and deadlines… all that,” he explained, and you nodded, pressing your lips together. You wanted to ask whether they had found a person to fill your spot but you didn’t find the courage to actually ask.

“I see. Well, I-,”

“Look, I know you said you don’t want a relationship and I respect that, but I just want to know… why? Like why did you go through all of this, had sex with me and then bailed? Did I- did I do something wrong?”

Oh god. Oh no. This was not good. In fact, it was probably the worst thing to ever happen to you. Yes, you asked yourself a very similar question. Why did you have to do that to him? This genuine nice guy with the cute curly hair and the specks on his nose that were slightly crooked. He, who probably never did what you had made him do, had probably read all of this in a completely wrong way and had been left broken hearted, texting his friends about you and wanting to know what he had done wrong. Fuck, you were horrible. The absolute worst.

“Wonwoo,” you began, but stopped because you didn’t know what to say. Your eyes met his and he looked so vulnerable you wanted to slap yourself in the face. Taking a deep breath, you put the remaining books pressed to your chest onto the shelf next to you and dried your sweaty hands off on your over sized white shirt.

“First of all, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is all on me, I swear. You are wonderful and sweet and hot and I am just… not right for you.” Or anyone, you added in your head. Wonwoo frowned a little bit and took a step towards you, making you back up closer against the shelve.

“I don’t get it. Why would you make that decision for me? Isn’t it my call to make if you’re right for me or not?” He asked, scanning your face with his cat like eyes and you felt yourself holding your breath. Your brain tried hard to come up with an explanation, but all you could think about was the truth and you could never ever expose that. Not to him at least.

“You just left the team and didn’t even really tell us why, tell me why. Do you know how bad I felt? I felt like I read everything wrong and made up the worst scenarios in my head, y/n. I was scared shitless, thinking that maybe you had changed your mind and felt like us sleeping together was a mistake and that maybe you felt pressured into it and-,”

“What? No, Wonwoo, I wanted to have sex with you. I really, really did. I just- god, I just felt like such an idiot, coming onto you like that, in the end I felt like I pressured you into it.”

It was bad. Horrendous. A straight up lie. And it was terrifying how easy it came off your lips. He had given you the best excuse, one that made actual sense. Judging by the way his eyes shifted, it had worked. Worry was now spread all over his face and suddenly he was even closer to you, his hand on your cheek and you felt like all your bones had been frozen because what the fuck was happening?

“Fuck, I didn’t even think of that. No, y/n, I wanted it too, the second you first walked into training I wanted you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted to do so many things to you and when you started flirting, when you sent me those messages, called me… I was all in, I promise.”

Now, why did these words make your heart flutter? Was it the way he was looking at you? The way his thumb was caressing your cheek? Or was it the way he was so close to you that you could feel his breath hitting your face, feel the warmth radiate off of him? This was bad. Really, really bad. You should move, leave the situation and him behind, tell him you were glad he had consented after all, but that this did not mean anything else was happening between you. And yet you couldn’t move. You were still frozen in place and only twitched when his thumb touched your bottom lip – if on purpose or not you weren’t too sure. All you knew was that once he realised it too, his eyes shot to your lips and your stomach did a flip that once it landed send pressure right down to your core. Vivid memories of you riding his dick on his chair were flooding your mind and you tried to send them away but to no avail. They were staying.

It didn’t help your case, that was for sure. You not moving away, you not telling him to stop and to leave you alone. Maybe, you thought, you were just too horny for your own well-being. Wonwoo didn’t say anything, but had his eyes still fixed on your lips, as his thumb started moving towards them again – only for you to do the single most stupid thing you could have possibly done once the tip of it touched your bottom lip once more.

Opening your mouth, you sucked in his thumb, your lips closing around it as your tongue swirled around the tip, making Wonwoo’s breath hitch in his throat.

“F-fuck,” he said and suddenly you were pressed against the shelve next to you, a book uncomfortably poking you. Not that you cared. Like, at all.

Jiwoo was here somewhere, as one of the last people with you and Wonwoo. The library was gonna close any second and of course you had gotten books from the very last corner where no one else ever got books from this time of the day. Because what else? How could it be any different?

Wonwoo was breathing hard against your face now, watching the way you kept on sucking on his thumb, the throbbing between your legs getting harder to ignore each second. And the way he looked at you, you were pretty sure his jeans were starting to get tight, too. The dark look in his eyes was not good for your mental strength, either. You did not remember him being this lustful and hot and bothered when you had fucked the first time, back then he was more submissive and just waiting for you to call the shots, obviously wanting you, but this was different, and it rubbed you the exactly right way. Just like suddenly the hand that had wandered between your legs, making you breathe in through your nose in surprise, eyes widening a bit as you continued to look at Wonwoo, who’s mouth parted a bit as he began rubbing circles on your clothed core.

The fact that anyone could walk around the corner and spot you only made this more exciting. Wonwoo now pulled his thumb out of your mouth, spit connecting your mouth and the tip and after a curse under his breath, he pressed his body against yours, lips crushing together. He immediately let his tongue slide over your lips, and you willingly let him inside, felt all of your body prickle with excitement as he explored your mouth and continued to rub against you. His kisses were hot and needy and now you could feel his erection against your thigh, his hand now leaving your core for a second to open the button of your jeans skilfully, zipper following right after. Once his hand slipped into your pants and underwear, you gasped into the kiss your arms now wrapped around his neck, your right leg instinctively lifting up to wrap around his thigh, giving him a better access to your core. Wonwoo then let his fingers slide through your wet folds, kissing you harder so you wouldn’t make any sound and you had never felt hotter in your life. Your pussy clenched around nothing, and you desired his fingers inside of you so bad that you wiggled your hips, causing him to somewhat chuckle against your lips before finally letting two of them slip into you. A bold move, but one you appreciated. Immediately, he began to finger fuck you to his best abilities with your jeans still on, but since they were too wide anyways it wasn’t that hard to do. His lips now travelled down your jaw and neck, and you pressed your lips together to somehow manage staying quiet with his long fingers inside of you.

“You’re so damn hot,” he whispered into your ear then once he was back up from your neck and you felt goosebumps all over your body, “so tight and needy for my fingers.” Shit, what had happened to him? Was this the same shy guy who’s cock you had rode, who had been so submissive towards you? Not that you were complaining, after all you also had two sides to yourself when it came to sex.

“What do you say, should I turn you around and fuck you real good?” and there it was, the first moan you couldn’t hold in and immediately his non-busy hand was on top of your mouth, his eyes darting at you.

“Shh, you have to keep quiet. Most of the people might be gone, but I think there is a part-timer here somewhere.” Yes, and Jiwoo. If she hadn’t left. Which you didn’t know. Your head was empty and there was only Wonwoo who’s suggestion was still ringing in your ears. Fuck in this library? With his hand on top of your mouth and only the sound of his cock mercilessly plunging into you filling the air? You clenched around his fingers and begged him with eyes to make it come true. Wonwoo smirked and you didn’t think that you had ever seen him do anything more attractive than this. Pulling his fingers out of you now, he used the now free hand to pull down your jeans fully, spinning you around as he also pulled down your panties, the hand on your mouth gone for a bit, and then you heard him playing with his own belt, opening it, and letting his pants fall to the floor shortly after. With your eyes closed, you felt your heart in your throat as you anticipated his next moves, once again supressing the urge to moan when you felt his cock lining up against your wet heat.

“God, I missed your pussy,” you heard Wonwoo whisper, and you hated the fact he was talking when you had to be quiet just as much as it drove you crazy. When he finally pushed into you, stretching your walls deliciously, you felt his hand back on your mouth, the other one now laying on your hips. Once he was fully pushed in, he gave your pussy some time to adjust – only to pull out completely and thrust back in with a force that not only made you, but the shelves shake as well. Your eyes sprung open wide, and you were back to wiggling your hips, but Wonwoo apparently didn’t care because he did the same thing twice in a row.

Yet, that was not the only thing making something like panic arise in your body. With your eyes now opened, you saw something you wish you hadn’t. The shelve in front of you wasn’t empty, but there was some space in front of your face and behind that, just opposite the shelve itself, the row next to the one you were in, stood a boy. A boy with a deeply red face and a parted mouth, who was staring right at you. He was wearing a name tag, so he had to be the part-timer Wonwoo had talked about and if it weren’t for him now changing his pace to fucking you fast and hard, you probably would have told him to stop. Your eyelids fluttered as you breathed hard against Wonwoo’s hand, saliva dropping out of it as you couldn’t keep your mouth closed. Your eyes were still on the boy who was staring back and once you’ve let your gaze wander off, you could clearly see he was not unaffected. His chinos were sporting a bulge and you felt your heart do a leap of excitement. He was turned on by this. And so were you. In the back of your mind, you remembered that in a situation like this it was important for all parties involved to consent, but you were pretty sure Wonwoo was not seen by the boy. All he could see was you. And so, without giving it another thought you tried to signal with your eyes that he should just do it. Get his hard one out and watch you. And the young man with the light brown hair widened his eyes even more once he understood. Still, he hesitantly pointed at his crotch, and you nodded, your eyes rolling back after because Wonwoo had taken another hard thrust, your knees getting weaker.

“Taking me so well, such a tight little pussy you have, baby,” he breathed and by the judge of how the brown-haired boy’s hands opened his jeans, he had heard too. You watched how they dropped to the floor and how he leaned against the bookshelf behind him, hand now inside his boxers as you held eye contact. Wonwoo, who was probably close to his climax as his thrusts kept getting sloppier, took his hand off your mouth and put it on your other hip, drilling into you now as if his life depended on it. Your lips were red and swollen from before and the boy stared at your face, you now biting your bottom lip hard as Wonwoo’s cock seemed to sink deeper and deeper into you. The boy’s hand movements were getting quicker, and you licked your lips looking at his hand, wishing you could get a sight of his cock, but not about to say anything because if he had felt comfortable with that he probably would have.

“I’m gonna cum-“, Wonwoo said, hips frantically searching his high and then, with one, two, three more thrusts, you felt him climaxing inside of you. He rode out his orgasm and you moved your hips against his, desperately wanting him to keep going, but he pulled out of you, only to come back with three fingers fucking you, your mouth hanging open as this time you could not keep a deep moan from escaping your throat. Hearing that, the librarian swallowed hard and felt his climax rush over him, eyes rolling back and head falling against the book behind him, cum shooting out his cock and right into his boxers. Seeing the wet spot and the way he looked so fucking beautiful – you finished too, coming undone on Wonwoo’s fingers and pressing your own hand against your mouth because you were sure you would have not been able to keep it inside any other way.

Jiwoo was not too happy with you when you’ve stepped outside the library long after you two had split up to take back your books.

“Where the hell have you been? I texted you to meet me in front of my dorm like half an hour ago!” she said.

“Then why are you back here?” you asked, careful not to look into Jiwoo’s eyes. Wonwoo was still inside. And so was the pretty librarian. Once you had turned back around to Wonwoo, who had been kind enough to wipe away his traces of your legs with a paper towel he had taken out of its packaging, you had told him quietly that you had been watched by the fellow student and even though Wonwoo got pale for a second, he then proceeded to grin cheekily, telling you that he was glad to have given him a good show. Thank god. Still, you apologised for not letting him now earlier to which he only kissed your cheek and said it was fine. Which now left you wondering what Wonwoo thought this meant. You were just about to say something when he beat you to it.

“Don’t worry your pretty brain, y/n. I understood that you aren’t looking for something serious. I might like you, but it’s not like I can’t differentiate between feelings and sex. So, if you ever feel like it… you can call me.”

And with that you had said your goodbyes, you walking out first and him walking out, well, probably soon. So, you did not await Jiwoo’s answer, but grabbed her hand and dragged her out the library, leaving her confused.

“Hey, wait, what’s going on?” she asked as she stumbled behind you. You only let go off her when you were far enough from the entrance and turned around to face her with both of your hands scratching your head as you kept on biting down onto your tongue. Jiwoo looked at you completely flabbergasted.

“I just met Wonwoo in the library,” you said then after a small while of contemplating. Jiwoo’s eyes widened.

“Oh shit, how was it?” she asked, obviously worried.

“Well,” you began letting your arms fall back down next to your body and your teeth now continuously sinking into your bottom lip, “we talked for like a good half a minute and then he fingered and then fucked me against one of the bookshelves.”

Just ripped of the band aid. Told her what had happened. Might have left something out but perhaps that would have given her a heart attack.

Jiwoo’s face was blank, and she blinked at you a few times, silently. She was taking in the information you had given her and eventually…

“I beg your pardon?”

You just stared back at her. Silently. Honestly just not sure what to say. Jiwoo seemed to feel the same way. For a few seconds she just looked at you, just as silent as you, then she slowly nodded, blowing up her cheeks with air.

“You know what? Of course, you did. Why wouldn’t you?” She now put her hand on your shoulder and clicked her tongue, still nodding her head. You cleared your throat.

“Also, the guy who works in the library watched us.”

“Oh common!” Jiwoo’s face turned into an unbelieving expression. You pressed your lips together.

“Yeah.”

“I- you do know that doesn’t count, right? You need to at least have some contact with them for it to count!”

If you were honest, you hadn’t really thought about it maybe counting. Your mind had been filled with too many other things, for example Wonwoo drilling into you as if there was no tomorrow. Even now, thinking about the way he had felt inside of you, the way he had moaned into your ear when had climaxed… that in combination with the super cute part-timer… yeah, you had to quickly get your head out of the gutter.

“Whatever. Can we leave?” After nodding, still staring at you with a look you couldn’t quite pinpoint. She did seem impressed, but there was also something else. You did have a guess, but you weren’t willing to bring it up just yet. Because that would mean that you had to take responsibility for your own actions and that just wasn’t… possible. At least not right now.

Wonwoo ended up texting you two days later while you were in line for a coffee at a new coffee shop near the campus.

Wonwoo [10:11am]:how would you feel about watching a movie together this weekend?

Just wonderful. You closed your eyes for a second, before stuffing the phone back into your pocket, chewing on your bottom lip as you finally let the thought you had so desperately wanted to ignore slip into your mind. Sleeping with Wonwoo again was a mistake because he obviously likes you, you idiot. You had given him hope again, even if he had said that he understood and respected your wishes, it still had given him the impression that there might be a future in which you could at least, well, be friends with benefits or something. All that when there was Mingyu who had texted you a selfie this morning from his own bathroom, freshly out of the shower with wet hair and a cheeky grin on his lips, captioned with the words “wish you were here!” and yeah. You had already gotten yourself a friend you somewhat regularly had sex with and while there was nothing wrong with having another one, you also had not even asked Mingyu if he like… was okay with you sleeping with other people, especially without a condom.

“I’m so fucking screwed,” you mumbled to yourself as you finally reached the counter, lifting your head up, eyes on the barista and you immediately had the strong urge to either run away or shit yourself.

“Y/N, long time no see,” god damn Joshua Hong stood there, pretty smile and all, with his hair falling into his face as he leaned on the counter top, waiting for you to order. You looked around the place, confused. Joshua seemed to catch on because he chuckled.

“I started here last week when they opened. The shop owner is a good friend of mine.”

Right, of course. Just your luck. Instead of answering, you just nodded and told him you wanted an iced latte, which he put in the tablet in front of him.

“How much will that be?” you asked then, already getting out your card, when you suddenly felt someone brush against your shoulder.

“It will be my treat,” you heard a voice say and it took you a second to understand who had appeared behind you.

“Oh, Junie!” Joshua smiled widely as he took Jun’s credit card. The world around you started to spin. This could not really be happening. Jun and Joshua started chatting beside you and you felt your cheeks starting to burn because what the fuck? It was very obvious that they knew each other, that they had seen each other just last week at some guy’s place to play some game you were sure you would be able to recognize if only you weren’t frozen to where you were standing. Sweat was slowly building up on your forehead, threatening to run down your face any second and you knew you had to find your confidence somewhere within you because this was not working. Losing your cool because Jun did not only know Wonwoo but Joshua too which meant that the chance of Joshua knowing Wonwoo was not slim.

“Thank you,” you finally said, when Jun had somehow managed to lead you to the other side of the counter where you both watched Joshua make your beverages as his colleague began taking orders.

“No problem, really”, Jun smiled at you, and you smiled back even though you felt like throwing up. Does he know? Does he know I slept with Wonwoo? That I am the girl he was texting about?

“I am glad I ran into you, actually,” Jun continued, and your ears perked up at that.

“Oh, really? Why is that?” You asked and tried to not jump to any conclusions. Even if he knew about who you were, he wasn’t just gonna-

“I wanted to talk to you about Wonwoo.” Shit. You pressed your lips together for a second before slowly nodding.

“Okay. What’s up?”

Jun tilted his head to the side, his eyes giving you a look meaning something like “are you for real?” and you knew that it was stupid to have even asked. You sighed and pulled a hand through your hair.

“I know, okay? But to be fair, how was I supposed to know you guys knew each other? Our university is huge, what are the odds that you guys are friends?”

Jun nodded slowly, a soft pout on his lips. He looked really good today. Hair styled slightly up, a beige sweater on his broad upper body, washed out blue jeans decorating his legs. So pretty.

“Yeah, I get that. Still, I need to scold you for what happened two days ago,” Jun’s pout was gone, had made space for a judging expression and you wanted to fall into the next hole.

“Here are your drinks!” Joshua now placed the drinks on the countertop, smiling at both of you widely. Quickly, you took the cup and turned around, making your way out of the coffee shop that was getting fuller by the second. You suddenly felt like you really needed air.

“Y/N, hold up!” Jun was following you and once you were both outside, he grabbed your wrist and turned you back around to him, softly. God, this was so ridiculous.

“Jun, please, I have class,” you said, sighing after, “look, I get it, okay? I shouldn’t have slept with him again. It was stupid, especially because I knew he had caught some feelings. I won’t do it again, okay?”

For a few seconds Jun looked at you, his eyes wandering over your face. It seemed like he was trying hard to figure out whether you were telling the truth. If you were honest, you weren’t so sure that you were. But he hopefully didn’t see that.

“Fine. I just don’t want him to get his hopes up, you know?” Jun let go off your wrist and rubbed the back of his neck, looking really good doing it, too. You sighed internally.

“I’m very sorry about all of this, Jun. I hope I didn’t like… put you in an awkward position,” you said, back to biting your bottom lip. Jun waved it off, shaking his head.

“Don’t worry. Minghao and I, we, well, we didn’t tell him. Not that it was you, at least. He does know we had the best threesome of our friendship at that party, but that’s all.”

You stared at him, then you laughed.

“Flattery, I see. Well, I’m glad. Didn’t want Wonwoo to feel any worse. I really have to go now, but thanks for the coffee again!” Jun nodded and waved at you as you already began to walk towards campus.

There was no way around going into the library. You had tried to hold it off, but you had to get books, had to study somewhere else than your stuffy apartment that you might love but it just wasn’t working for you to study at home. The tries had failed and now you found yourself in front of the entrance and your legs just wouldn’t move. It hadn’t even been a full week since you had been here, since you had experienced… that. Gulping down the lump in your throat, you finally got your legs to start walking and the second you entered the library – you wanted to turn around and run away again. There he was, standing at the counter across from you, currently scanning books from another student. His hair was falling into his face in soft waves, and he was wearing a baby blue jumper over skinny grey jeans, smiling at the student as he handed her the books – catching sight of you in the same moment.

You saw his face fall, his arm staying mid-air as the girl had already turned around and walked away. To be honest, you didn’t know why the thought had not occurred earlier. He was handsome, pretty even. He had jerked off to you getting railed by Wonwoo – he was perfect for your challenge. Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, you began walking towards him, now your head in a totally different space than before. It had been so obvious and yet you had let the awkwardness take over you.

“Hi,” you said as you put your arms on the counter, looking at him through your lashes, a small smile playing on your lips. Now, you could finally see the name on his name tag – Boo Seungkwan.

“Oh, uh, hi”, Seungkwan now replied, his cheeks already flaming red. God, he was cute. You did the thing you were the best at, biting down on your lip as you looked at him with your head slightly tilted, making him shift behind the counter.

“I should have come by sooner, but I wasn’t so sure if you even wanted to see me, you know”, you explained and Seungkwan only nodded, eyes hanging onto your lips, “so, tell me, Boo Seungkwan, did you want to see my again?”

The boy’s eyes shot up and he looked straight into yours, Adam’s apple bopping as he swallowed hard. The truth was, he had wanted to see you again. His mind had wandered off to you the past week more times than he could count. The image of you watching him as he touched himself, all while some guy was fucking you so good you had trouble keeping your eyes open – it had been the cause for many sleepless nights and a lot of cold showers in the morning.

“I- I did”, he now replied, proud of himself for still looking into your eyes even though he felt like looking away. It was silly, how the presence of a girl he thought was hot made his whole demeaner change. Normally, Seungkwan was a funny guy with loads of confidence and sass in him, but when it came to girls, he was nothing but a mess. Alone the fact he had done what he had done as he was watching you, had been so far out of his comfort zone he couldn’t even explain why he had even done it.

“Well, that makes two of us,” you know went back to smiling, even though the words you had said were a lie. Or at least half a lie. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to see him again and more like if you could. Facing someone you had never talked to before who just randomly stumbled across you having sex in a public place who then proceeded to jerk of to it… yeah. Complicated situation. Nevertheless, it could possibly make the whole plan in your head work out just as well as you needed it to.

“Really? I- well, I just figured that you and, uh, that guy-,”

“We’re not together, if that’s what you’re asking,” you interrupted him, “I don’t date anyone right now. I just like to… have some fun.”

Seungkwan’s ears perked up at that. Fun? You and that guy weren’t dating? And you had come back here to…?

“So, I wanted to ask, when does your shift end?” now, you finally asked the question and Seungkwan couldn’t do anything but stare at you, before he finally regained his consciousness and cleared his throat, looking down at the little clock standing on the counter.

“I’m off in about an hour,” he said, and you nodded slowly, licking your lips and feeling his eyes follow that motion nervously.

“Perfect, I’ll get some work done and then we can… have some fun”, you presented him with a wink before you turned around and walked away heading for one of the tables on the right side of the library.

Seungkwan owned a car. A pretty nice one, actually. He told you it had been a gift from his grandparents for getting into college and now he rarely ever used it. But today seemed to be your lucky day because in his fear to be late for work he had taken his car to drive to the library today.

And so, you found yourself on Seungkwan’s lap on the top floor of the nearest parking garage that was mostly empty this time of day, your lips currently on his, your hand in between your bodies on his crotch, making him moan into the kiss here and there. There hadn’t been much secrecy to what you wanted to do, and he had been more than eager to fulfill what you needed of him. His hands were placed on your hips, fingers digging into your flesh as he tried hard to keep his composure. You felt him hardening against your hand by the second, felt his breath hitch in your kisses, his chest raising and falling rapidly. He was so gone. Just for you.

Smiling, you parted from him, leaning back a bit and taking off your shirt, watching his eyes take in all of what you were now showing him. You had climbed over to the driver’s seat once Seungkwan had parked the car and that’s where you were still sitting now, the wheel behind you making it rather a narrow space, but nothing you couldn’t work with. Once your shirt was thrown onto the passenger seat, you let your hands wander to his face, gripping it as you leaned down for another kiss that he gladly welcomed. His own hands sunk back to your hips, but this time he really dug in his nails as he kissed you back hungrily, leaving you with moans inside his mouth.

You let your lips now wander off to his jaw and neck, hands now underneath his jumper that the both of you took off, before he wrapped his arms around you, pressing you against him, as he buckled his hip, searching for any kind of friction. His desperation for you was getting higher every second and realizing this, you also realized all the possibilities.

Quickly, you let your lips wander back over his neck, leaving slight marks here and there, your hands now opening his skinny jeans. It would be a bit of a hassle to get him and you out of your respective pants without trouble in this small space, but somehow you managed to get his jeans and briefs down enough for you to get ahold of the pretty cock that he so desperately needed to be touched. Before doing so, though, you brought your hand up to your mouth, spitting on it, making Seungkwan whimper. You knew he would be done for the second you touched him. And yes, the second your hand was on him, he immediately twitched, Seungkwan looking down at your hand around his dick, swallowing hard. You smirked, letting your hand move only slowly, watching him as he bit his lip. He looked back up at you, clearly yearning for more, but you could sense that he wasn’t the type of person to push something. But you were going to change that. At least for now.

“Does Seungkwanie want anything?” you asked, voice dripping in innocence and Seungkwan’s eyes widened.

“If Seungkwanie wants something, he has to tell me, use his words”, you continued, your hand still moving ever so slowly. Seungkwan chewed on his bottom lip, looking from your face to your hand and then he finally opened his mouth.

“F-faster”, he then mumbled, and you immediately obeyed, your hand’s movements getting quicker. A beautiful moan escaped his lips now, a moan you needed to engrave into your brain forever. You felt yourself clench around nothing, beginning to crave sinking down on him. But first you had to tease him, make him loose it, beg you to let him be inside of you.

Your lips found his again and he kissed back to his best ability when your hand just felt so good around him. Your free hand now slid underneath his white shirt and found his nipple, squeezing it just to see if it did anything – and yes it did. Seungkwan cried out, leaving you grinning like an idiot with panties now soaked. You kept on with the spiel, one hand around his cock, the other on his nipple and watched his face twitch in awe. He was so pretty like this.

“So pretty, baby”, you whispered into his ear, kissing down his neck again and stopping at his chin. Slowly, you leaned back as your eyes searched for his and once your gazes met, you smiled, taking the hand that had been playing with his nipple to his chin.

“Open your mouth for me, will you?” you said and Seungkwan immediately did as asked.

“Stretch out that pretty tongue now too,” was your next order and Seungkwan obeyed eagerly.

“Such a good boy”, you then said, making his eyes sparkle.

Now, you slowly sat up straighter, hovering over him, looking straight into his eyes.

“Catch, or I’ll be very sad,” were your words before you finally let a strip of spit fall down your mouth and right onto his tongue. His cock was twitching in your hand and so was his face once the drop hit him and he looked at you like he had just seen god.

“Swallow, baby,” your eyes were staring into his and he did as asked, not letting your eyes out of his sight. Once you saw his Adam’s apple bop, you bit your lip, very much content with his obedience. You shot forward again, connecting your lips as your hand sped up on his cock. His breath was hot inside your mouth and his tongue was in no control – but you loved it all. All the reactions you were getting from him. Somehow you managed to get your own pants down, having them pool at your ankles by the end, your panties only shoved to the side as you lead his hand to your core, telling him to touch you there. He was nervous, but eager, letting his fingers slide to your folds as you held your underwear with one and his cock with the other hand.

“I want you to finger me, okay, Seungkwanie? Need you to open me up for your cock, alright?” you said, and the boy nodded, head back to being red.

“Y-yes”, he stuttered as you led him to your entrance after his fingers were drenched in your juices. You lifted your hips a little as he sunk into you, his jaw again dropping as he felt the tight and hot space around his fingers, the mere thought of this being around his cock probably able to make him cum.

“Move your fingers, baby,” you then sighed, and he again nodded, moving his fingers in and out of you, causing moans to escape your mouth. Instinctively you began to move your hand around his cock in the same speed as he fucked you with his fingers and once he noticed that he sped up, electricity shooting through your body as you returned the favor. Both of your pants and moans filled the car now, your hips moving with his fingers as his also began bucking up at every jerk of your hand, and you knew that it was only a matter of time until he (and you for that matter) was going to finish.

“A-am s-so close,” you heard him whine and immediately you stopped your hand, leaning forward to crash your lips together again, both arms now around his neck as he was unsure what to do with his fingers inside of you, his other hand now hesitantly placed on your ass, as you shifted closer to him, your hips still moving as he now continued his movements.

Tongues met and teeth clashed, moans were shared and breaths about to break when finally, you pulled his fingers out of you, looking straight into his eyes as you shoved them into his mouth, telling him to suck. Seungkwan was hard as a rock, precum on his tip, and more shooting out the second he tasted you on his own fingers.

“You like tasting me? What a good boy you are, Seungkwan. Common, take them all in,” he was now deepthroating his own fingers, tears pooling his eyes as you kept on pressing his fingers into his mouth, a devious grin on your lips, before you finally pulled them back out again.

“Did I taste good?” you asked, hand back around his cock and your hips moving up, lining your entrance up with his cock, making him shiver.

“S-so good, yes,” he said, and once his cock was beginning to slide into you, he cried out. But he was wrong if he thought you were just going to ride him without bringing him to a breaking point first. You let his cock slide out again, bringing its tip to your folds, sliding it up and down as you threw your head back. Seungkwan whimpered, bucking his hips.

“N-noona, p-please,” he begged, and you let your head snap back to its original place, eyebrows raised.

“Noona?” you asked, ignoring the other half of his sentence as you continued rubbing his dick through your folds, letting it circle your clit.

“Y-yes, I, urgh, I saw that- that you were, o-older than m-me,” he stuttered, making you smile.

“Did you look me up?” You asked, your thumb now circling his tip, putting pressure on it and causing him to cry out again.

“M-my co-worker re-recognized y-you a-and then I- I looked you u-up, nrgh, in the library sy-system and, f-fuck, you’re o-older th-than me, n-noona,” during his little explanation you had let his cock slide into you for just a tiny second before pulling it out again, tip back to circling your clit. You moaned as you moved your hips against it.

“Mhm, I see. So… does Seungkwan want anything from noona?”

“W-want h-her to r-ride me,” gosh, he was so cute.

“Beg noona, will you, baby?” you placed his cock back at your entrance, looking at him. You were barely hanging on, eager to finally sink down on him, but you needed to see him break, beg you to fuck him. And so, he looked up at you through long lashes, swallowing once again.

“P-please ride me, noona. I really want to fuck you.”

The second he finished his sentence, you finally sank down on him, hands propped on his shoulders and both of you moaning loudly. Without much hesitation you began moving your hips, bouncing up and down on his cock, searching for sweet release. Seungkwan had his head leaned against the seat, hands laying on your thighs, mouth hanging wide open as his eyes were closed. The feeling of you around his cock was magical. He felt as if he was floating, and he was about to fly even higher with your pussy clenching around him like that. Something told him, though, that if he was to finish before you, you would be mad, and he really did not want to upset you. He pressed his lips together now and tried to think of something that was gonna stop him from cumming to soon and you noticed his change in expression, counting one and one together, grinning.

“Is baby so close he has to think of something else, so he won’t cum before noona? That’s so cute,” you said, leaning forward, lips against his ear, sucking on his earlobe, causing him to thrust his hips up. Now, you were the one crying out, biting down on his earlobe, tongue shooting out after.

“Do that again,” you ordered and Seungkwan obeyed once again, fucking up into you now, causing your brain to shut off. All you felt was his cock hitting you right where you needed it to, your walls hugging him and clenching around him.

“N-noona, I am s-so close,” you felt that he was just by the way he was fucking you. And honestly, you were fine with that because you were close, too.

“It’s fine, baby, cum for me, noona allows it,” and as if those were the magic words, Seungkwan’s cock immediately began to twitch and you felt him cum inside you – which then made you reach the edge, milking your and his orgasm as you moved your hips rapidly.

“F-fuck,” the boy under you breathed as he recovered from his climax, you now leaning against him, head on top of his shoulder. You were still trying to get back from your high, your breathing still hard and your legs jelly.

Once you did regain some of your mental capacity, you leaned back, smiling at him as you pressed a short kiss to his lips.

“That was fun,” you then commented and climbed off him and onto the passenger seat, where you tried to get your jeans back up. You just noticed now that your panties had ripped in the process. Oh well. There were your combined releases dripping down your leg and you saw Seungkwan reaching for a tissue on the backseat, handing it to you. Thanking him, you wiped it away, glad Seungkwan had leather seats, otherwise this would have definitely left a weird stain he would have to explain to someone eventually.

“Yes, fun is a word to describe it,” Seungkwan replied, and you chuckled, looking over at him as you finished dressing back up. He was also back in his jeans and looked at you, a little unsure.

“Would you mind dropping me off at home?” you then filled the silence and Seungkwan nodded yes, starting the engine as you buckled up.

The door fell shut behind you and you breathed out. So, five down, seven more to go. Sighing, you walked into the living area and put your bag on the kitchen counter, getting your phone out. You had a few messages from Jiwoo and a missed call from your mother – but you also had a notification from twitter. Unlocking your phone, you went onto the app and almost dropped it when you saw that your favorite underground rnb artist had announced he was going to be at your university’s yearly festival.  For a split second you wondered. Maybe, if you were lucky, he could become number 6.

header credit: @playmetheclassics

[apocalypticgargoyle]

𝘽𝙊𝘿𝙔 𝙂𝙇𝙄𝙏𝙏𝙀𝙍 │ 𝙠.𝙟. 𝙨𝙢𝙪𝙩

○ request: i loved your edgy!karl smut it was so good, would appreciate it if u did more of that along with edgy!karl eating the reader out thanks! :)))

○ pairing: edgy!Karl Jacobs x fm!reader

○ warnings: nsfw (minors dni), biting, cliche college party scene, oral (fm. receiving), slight domination, light asphyxiation, suggestive language, mentions of alcohol, eyeliner

○ word count: 2259

○ links: part 1, ao3

a/n:  Thank you to everyone for all your support on my first part! It means the world to see so many of you enjoying my writing and I love reading your thoughts, so thank you thank you ♡ Thank you anon for giving me the opportunity to write more for this au hhnngngngnngg. Also I’m so sorry for the wait! I hit midterms in college and this got away from me. I am accepting requests so feel free to send me whatever! Let me know what you think and happy reading :) 

тнє ѕмєℓℓ σƒ вєєя, ¢нєαρ ¢σℓσgηє, αη∂ єχρєηѕινє нαιяѕρяαу bombarded your senses as if they were part of an invading army against the overwhelming stench of weed and desperation. The juxtaposing elements in the air only further solidified the escapism from your everyday lives. Your eyes traced over the relentless rage of a crowd; identities drowned by dark hues of purples and blues dancing against the clouds of smoke wafting into the air. 

Your skin, sticky with a film of clean sweat and an overindulgent amount of fragrant body glitter, shimmered beneath the same masking streams of lights. Packed among warm bodies kneading together to the distorted bass of a song scraped from the bottom of someone’s playlist, you swayed as your limbs swam through the muggy air to muddle with the rest of the outstretched fingers of your comrades.

Bands of people maneuvered in and out of the large house whose name you could no longer recall. Choruses of greetings would jump into the atmosphere as cliques seemed to reunite after centuries apart when in plain man's reality, it’d been barely hours. Your roommate curled herself around one of the ringleaders of these said social-groupings, just out of your reach. You pressed the back of your hand against your warm forehead to catch your breath as your eyes cut through the flock as if by instinct. 

By some odd twist of fate, Karl was pushed through the front door in a horde of his own. He sent you a smug expression as his sights locked to yours. Over the deafening volume of the music, you could almost hear the ghost of his voice in your ear repeating your name as if it were an ancient prayer as he gripped onto your hips. Your skin stung with the phantom grazing of his teeth against your shoulder blades. Heat rushed to your cheeks at the thought, your vision threatening to glaze over as he winked at you. He could probably see the gears grinding together in your head as your mind wandered. You chewed the inside of your cheek, noticing the lack of his lip ring.

You tore your gaze from him, brushing off his figurative hold over you and attempting to return to whatever state of unaware bliss you were in previously. It had been longer than you realized since you’d seen Karl. You’d wanted to call him, sure, but with school and work, sadly he’d come to slip from your mind. But that didn’t stop the butterflies from fluttering in your stomach at the mere thought of his body against yours once again. 

You could see him out of the corner of your eye maneuvering through the crowd. You took a sip from your drink, pretending not to notice him walking towards you. As the group he was with passed by you, he pressed a kiss to your shoulder, slipping a note into your hand as he followed them. You bit back a smile, shaking your head slightly. You nonchalantly peered at the crumpled paper he had pressed into your hand, deciphering the scribbled, “Meet me in the upstairs bathroom -K.” 

With the lock on the bathroom door clicking into place, Karl’s lips were on yours, pressing you strongly against the wood grain. His kiss was starved as if you had been his only craving for months. His arms wrapped around you, pinning you further against the door with his hum of a moan echoing into your mouth. Your hands slithered beneath his dark shirt, gripping at the bare skin peppering with goosebumps at your touch as if his body was calling to you. You instinctively wrapped one of your legs around his, pulling him closer to you.

His teeth scorched your lips, dragging and pulling at your sensitive skin. His taste on your tongue blurred your sense of reason, and you fought not to lose yourself in the essence of him. He breathlessly pulled away from you, only to begin his campaign against your jaw. One of his hands moved to thread into your hair, brushing it away from your neck to allow himself more of a canvas. His tongue ring, a beloved accessory, was cool against your skin with each of his movements as the sting of his teeth sent heat flooding to your core. His less preoccupied hand gripped your ass tightly, pressing you against the already hardening bulge in his jeans. 

The smell on his clothes was a clean contrast to the suffocating cloudy air outside. His warm breath fanning against your cheeks made your mouth water with anticipation of what he was gearing up to do. He pressed his lips to yours in one last chaste kiss before trailing his lips along your throat and ghosting over your chest before settling on his knees. You chewed the flesh of your bottom lip, suddenly feeling as if you were going through withdrawal as you lacked his attention. 

He looked up at you through his thick lashes, a smug look plastering across his face at your apparent neediness as he gestured for you to widen your stance. In the fluorescent lights of the bathroom, you could now see him clearly, including the yellowing-purple bruise under his eye. On one hand, healing scraps littered his knuckles. His lips settled against your inner thigh just above your knee. “What happened to your eye?” You asked, your voice suddenly uneven and shaky under his gaze. 

His tongue flattened against your thigh, licking a stripe closer to your heat as his fingers grazed against your skin to hook around the waistband of your underwear. “I got too hot-headed in an argument with someone,” he murmured, smirking to himself slightly. 

You rolled your eyes. “How mysterious,” you joked. He chuckled, sending his breath across the wet spots he’d marked between your legs before slipping your underpants down your legs and into his pocket. His tongue darted out to wet his lips, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows, a few tattoos dotted on his arms sending memories of your first time with him to flash behind your eyes. With almost practiced precision, he pressed his mouth against your heat. 

Your fingers ran into his dark hair as his lips sucked at your bundle of nerves, his tongue grazing ever so faintly against your center. He hooked one of your legs over his shoulder, pulling you further against his mouth as you ground your hips against his tongue. His tongue ring massaged against your sensitive skin. He hummed slightly, the vibration of his voice echoing through your body, straight to already your budding climax. He began to swirl his tongue against you in a different direction, a new sensation adding to the mix of pleasure you were almost being blinded with as his ring teased against you. 

The concentration—evident in the furrowing of his brow—made you impossibly want him more. He was fixated on edging you toward your orgasm. His finger traced against where you needed friction the most, your body almost begging for him to slip inside of you as he played at the possibility of it.

Finally, he pushed a finger inside of you, making your back arch against the wall, your teeth clamping down on the inside of your cheek to keep the moan threatening to rip from your throat at bay. You groaned as he began to pump it in and out of you, his tongue still delicately dancing around your core. His name slipped from your mouth as he added another finger, picking up his pace and curling them inside of you. He was beckoning your release as you began to feel tension building within you. He looked up at you again, his gaze shifting into more of an expression asking for praise. You tugged at your own hair, nearly unable to express what kind of pleasure he was putting you through. “Fuck, Karl…” You groaned, a strained moaning tone slipping past your lips. 

He detached from you, quickening his pace. “That’s right, say my name,” he ribbed, a cocky grin spreading to his lips. Your heel dug into his back, nearly losing your balance as you toed the edge of an orgasm. You moaned his name like a sinful prayer, begging him to continue. He flattened his tongue against your core once again, moving his head side to side and finally coaxing you to finish.

Your knees were ready to buckle beneath you as you pulled at his hair. He placed a kiss to your thighs again before standing and sealing the last of your blissed-out expression between his lips, his tongue ring teasing into your mouth. He turned the two of you, pressing you against the edge of the sink counter. He slipped his fingers beneath the shoulder straps of your dress, threatening to break them. He let go of you, his eyes tracing over your features. 

A dark chuckle fell from his lips as he set your chin between his thumb and index finger, turning you to look at yourself in the mirror. He pressed a kiss to your shoulder blades as you took note of how disheveled the two of you looked. His eyeliner was smudged, his lips a deep red. Your hair was a mess and your makeup smeared from his attention. Parts of his shirt and wherever his hands had been were glistening from the glitter you’d spread on your body before the party. He seemed to like that a stranger could tell the two of you were together as his lips continued to pepper your neck with open-mouthed kisses. 

He ground himself against you, the friction making you groan. His hands toyed with the hem of your skirt, his fingertips ghosting patterns into your skin as you leaned back against him, wanting him to give in to whatever he was conjuring up in his mind. At your signs of continuing, he unzipped his pants, bending you over the sink slightly before letting his cock beckon at your entrance. 

You braced yourself against the counter as he pressed his lips behind your ear, pushing into you. His hiss of relief fanned against your skin at the feeling of you tightening around him as you adjusted to his size. “Fuck, I missed you,” he moaned against the shell of your ear before beginning to thrust into you. A groan escaped your mouth as one of his hands dug into your hip to keep you grinding against him. “Look at me, sweetheart,” he leered, his other hand moving to settle against the mirror, bracing the two of you as his hips jutted against you, driving himself deeper into you. You willed your eyes forward, meeting Karl’s derisive smirk in the reflection as your hair stuck to the sides of your face in exertion. His teeth sank into your shoulder, stifling his own lude muses. 

You could tell he was already close as his hips quickened, the fixed, sanguine look in his eyes running straight to your core. You gripped the edge of the counter, watching as his hand left a very defined print on the glass from his sweat and the body glitter as it moved to wrap around your throat, fingers threatening to imprint on your skin. You wanted him to leave his mark on you though. The bruises he’d left last time were like trophies to you as they faded, and you wore them under your clothes with secret pride. He flexed his hand, restricting your airflow as he groaned in your ear, your vision blurring with pleasure. 

You gasped as he let go, air filling your lungs as he pressed a kiss to your shoulder once again, his speed quickening. You felt yourself once again walking the thin line of spilling over into your climax. Before you knew it, you were unraveling around him, tightening as you did so to draw him to finish as well. He groaned at the feeling, his throat sounding nearly raw with the action. As bliss spread through your body, you regained some slight sense of reality, your knees aching and unstable beneath Karl. He wrapped an arm around your waist to steady the two of you as you both caught your breath. 

As he zipped his pants, you straightened your hair and fixed your makeup. “I ran into your roommate at the store the other day,” he commented. You turned to him, an eyebrow raised slightly. He ran two fingers over his bottom lip in thought, standing beside you. “I think she likes me,” he joked, reaching an arm around you to rest on the wall, leaning closer to you. 

You smirked up at him, reaching to close the gap between the two of you, pressing your lips against his briefly. “Oh, come on, don’t make me jealous,” you leered as he dug his face into the crook of your neck. He groaned slightly at your jab. 

“You wish,” he quipped back, sending you into a short laugh. He straightened up, capturing your lips against his before shrugging out of your way. “Save a dance for me,” he mocked, sending you a wink as he slipped out the door. 

You rolled your eyes slightly, fighting the smile wanting to break through your fa��ade. You exited the bathroom a few minutes later to attempt to blend back into the crowd. Your mind clicked into place as you were mere paces from your roommate. You felt a foreign blush creep up to your ears as you realized Karl still had your underwear in his pocket.

[haikyuuhoo]

Habits

Pairing: Akaashi x Reader

Summary: In which Akaashi has a couple of habits you find extremely endearing.

Words: 2.7k

Warnings: Just extremely rushed writing so this might not be great.

A/N: Have a lil fluffy Akaashi fic I wrote instead of doing my reading for class today :) My excuse is that this was supposed to be a drabble but I got carried away.

Akaashi had two habits you picked up on very early—before the two of you even really knew each other.

The first was that he had this cute little way he played with his fingers when he got anxious. You'd seen him do it in a number of situations: when he was waiting in line at the campus café deciding what to order, when he stood in the kitchen at the few parties you'd spotted him at, and right before he was about to give a presentation. Another thing you noticed, though, was that it was shockingly easy for him to switch it off as if nothing was bothering him. When he approached the counter, he told the barista his order as if it was the same thing he got every time. When his friends approached him at the party, he would give them a gentle smile and allow them to push a drink into his hand. When he stood in front of the class he immediately stood straight and set his shoulders back, exuding a confidence that you could only dream of having while he gave his analysis of whatever book you'd all just read for your literature class.

Akaashi Keiji was never one to express his emotions openly, always coming off as stoic or like he couldn't be bothered to really tell people what he was thinking. But you knew better.

When you leaned your chin on your palm, watching Akaashi give his presentation at the front of the lecture hall, you could tell there was more going on in that pretty head of his. Honestly, you weren't even paying attention to what he was saying. You were studying him, trying to see if there was any millisecond where he let something other than strict professionalism shine through. But you didn't see anything, and it made you frown a bit as he came to the conclusion of his presentation.

When he finished, he thanked the class and let a small smile settle on his lips. It made warmth bloom in your chest, and you couldn't help but smile in return.

Not like he noticed. You were pretty sure he didn't even know who you were.

That was your first year of college, and you honestly didn't expect to be in many—if any—more classes with Akaashi. It was just a gen ed class, after all.

In your third year, however, you were in another class with him. You’d noticed him on the first day. You remembered from your first year that he was always early to class, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when your gaze immediately found him sitting in the middle of the rows of seats as you walked in. You instantly felt your heart rate pick up, and you honestly found it to be a bit embarrassing. You made your way to a seat a few rows behind Akaashi and settled in. Did you still have a stupid crush on this guy who you’d barely spoken a word to two years later?

Yeah, you did. How could you be anything other than enamoured with Akaashi Keiji?

The class, sadly, was a lecture with over one hundred students, so aside from looking at the back of his head, you didn’t really see much of him. It made your heart sink.

The second habit Akaashi had was one you had picked up on your first year as well, but you didn’t really see it in full swing until you noticed him frequenting the library even more than you usually did.

Akaashi Keiji was an overthinker.

Sitting behind him, you could always see the bright red A’s on his papers he got back. So why did he always look so stressed whenever you saw him in the library?

On numerous occasions you’d caught him staring at his laptop screen for probably much longer than was necessary to read over whatever was in front of him. You felt a bit bad for staring, but he made you curious. When you looked a little more closely, you noticed that behind his glasses his gaze was unfocused, meaning his mind was definitely somewhere far off from the words on the screen in front of him.

You found it kind of cute, the look he would get on his face.

But you’d still never spoken to him, so there was no way you were going to tell him that.

That was, until one day in the library when you did speak to him.

You had been sitting a few tables away from Akaashi—this time you weren’t stalking him—not that you had been before!—you were here first this time, you swear! You hadn’t even noticed him!

Well, okay, that last part wasn’t true. You had arrived before Akaashi that day, fully intent on cramming for midterms, and you only noticed him when you got up to go refill your water bottle. You almost tripped over your own feet when you saw him. And maybe you did accidentally shoulder check a bookshelf.

But we don’t talk about that.

You noticed he was working on the paper for your class as you walked by, you could tell from the fact that his copy of the book you all had been assigned sat open in front of him. It had countless flags sticking out of it and was filled with highlights and scribbles in the margins. You kind of admired his dedication.

A few hours later you’d gotten yourself back in your own groove of cramming. Your headphones played music loudly into your ears in an attempt to minimize any distractions, and your gaze was fixed on your laptop. You were so in the zone that you didn’t notice someone approaching you. You didn’t even notice him say your name. It wasn’t until you felt a hand on your shoulder that made you jump that you pulled yourself away from your work.

You pulled your headphones off just in time to hear the person beside you mumble an apology, and before your gaze raised enough to look at his face you knew who it was.

You could tell by the way he fiddled with his fingers.

“Sorry for scaring you,” Akaashi said, looking away as an embarrassed flush rose on the back of his neck.

You shook your head quickly. “No, it’s okay! My music was just really loud. I didn’t hear you,” you explained with an awkward laugh, looking up at him and setting your headphones on the table. “D-Did you need something?”

You could feel your heart pounding. You’d never spoken to him before and now he was approaching you?

“Yeah, uh, you’re in my classic lit class,” he said, and your breath caught in your throat. You didn’t think he even knew you existed.

“Yeah, I am,” you breathed, and you could feel your cheeks tingle with heat.

He cleared his throat and looked down at you. He was still playing with his fingers, which surprised you. Usually he stopped as soon as he started doing whatever was making him nervous. Why were you any different?

“I was wondering if you’d be willing to read over my paper. I’ve been working on it for hours and I think it’s making me hate it. You can say no, I know you’re probably busy with your own stuff. I just thought a fresh pair of eyes might help me.”

Your eyes widened. Not only was he in front of you looking uncharacteristically more nervous than you’d ever seen him, but now he was asking for your help?

“Sure!” you blurted, and you hoped you didn’t come across as eager as you felt.

His shoulders relaxed at that, and he smiled. “Awesome, thank you. Let me grab my stuff really quick.”

You nodded, and as you watched him retreat to his table you tried to get yourself to calm down. He was back less than a minute later, and instead of just having his laptop he had gathered all of his things. It made the heat in your cheeks spread over the rest of your face as you realized he was moving to your table to continue working.

“I’m Y/N, by the way,” you said as he set his laptop in front of you.

“I know,” he said bluntly, settling into the seat across from you.

Your eyes widened. “Y-You do?”

He looked up at you and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. We had a class together a couple years ago. You gave really good presentations,” he observed.

You felt like you were going to pass out. Not only did Akaashi actually know your name, he remembered you.

“I see you around campus sometimes too,” he continued.

“O-Oh,” you breathed, pulling his laptop closer to you. “I guess it’s not weird that I know your name too, then?”

He gave you a smile that made a swarm of butterflies erupt in your stomach. “I guess not. But I can formally introduce myself if that’ll make you feel better. I’m Akaashi. Thank you for reading my paper.”

You nodded, fingers curling around the sides of his laptop. “Of course. I’ve been working for hours too, so this will be a good break.”

“I can read something of yours in return if you want,” he offered, but you shook your head immediately.

“No, it’s okay, you’ve probably got a bunch of assignments to work on,” you assured him with a smile before looking down to the screen to start reading his paper. He simply gave you a nod and pulled a textbook out of his bag, leaning his cheek against his hand as he began working on another assignment.

It only took you a few pages to realize why Akaashi consistently aced his papers. He was an incredible writer.

You looked up, fully intent on telling him as much, but you stopped when your gaze settled on him and you noticed that familiar far away look in his eyes. You smiled, and you couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking about.

Akaashi thought you were incredibly beautiful. That wasn’t a word he used often, usually reserved only for the way authors sometimes articulated things in a way that gave him goosebumps or for the way he could see the stars twinkle on clear nights.

But as soon as he’d laid his eyes on you, the word popped into his mind nearly every day. He’d watched you walk into class the first day of his first year, and he was smitten.

You looked so beautiful, even when you were doing something as simple as coming into the early morning class nursing a coffee every day. He decided he’d always come early so he could watch you walk in.

You looked beautiful when he saw you around campus, and the warmth that bloomed in his chest when he watched you laugh with your friends only solidified the thought.

You looked incredibly beautiful whenever he saw you at the parties he went to when Bokuto was finally able to drag him along. There was just something about watching you act so carefree with a smile that never seemed to leave your face all night that made him realize that you had become his definition of beautiful.

But he’d been too nervous to ever say anything to you, and when an entire year went by without the two of you having another class together, he felt a bit hopeless. He couldn’t really go up to you on campus, and the longer he waited the more awkward it was.

“Hey, you were in my literature class a year and a half ago,” wasn’t the best pickup line.

But when he saw you walk into classic lit at the beginning of this semester, he felt his heart soar. Maybe he would work up the nerve to talk to you this time.

A few minutes passed and Akaashi still hadn’t moved. A slight giggle left you that startled him out of whatever trance he was in, and he blushed when he looked at you.

“What? Did I write something stupid?” he asked meekly.

You shook your head, unable to keep the laugh from bubbling out of you. “No! Your paper is incredible, actually.”

He frowned. “Then why are you laughing?”

You gave him a hesitant smile. “You do this thing…” you trailed off, wondering if it would be weird to admit that you noticed the way he would sometimes get lost in his own head.

“What thing?” he questioned, the pink on his cheeks darkening.

You bit your lip. Now it was your turn to be shy. You dropped your gaze to your lap and played with a loose thread on your sleeve. “When you get really deep in thought you get this cute little look on your face,” you whispered, not even sure if he heard it.

But he had, and his eyes widened in embarrassment. “C-Cute?” he sputtered.

You nodded and cleared your throat. “Sorry, I know that’s probably weird,” you said softly.

“I think you’re cute too,” he breathed.

“You what?” you squeaked, head snapping back up so you could look at him.

He quickly looked away, but there was no hiding the way his cheeks were stained pink. “Is that too forward?” he asked softly, and he was playing with his fingers again.

Without thinking, you reached across the table and placed your hand on top of his. He jumped, looking back over at you and relaxing at the way you smiled at him.

“No, it’s not,” you assured him.

“Good,” he sighed, “because I actually think you’re beautiful.”

That was three years ago, and you couldn’t help but think back to it as you took in the scene in front of you.

You’d announced yourself as soon as you stepped into his house. You knew he had a big deadline today, so you wanted to surprise him with dinner. He sometimes forgot to eat when he worked late, and you wanted to make sure he was taking care of himself properly.

Plus, you’d take any excuse you could get to see your boyfriend.

“‘Kaashi, I brought food!” you called out as you closed the door. You slipped your shoes off by the door and hung your jacket up beside his on the coat rack. When you got no response, you set the bag of takeout on the kitchen table and made your way to his office.

“Keiji,” you hummed as you opened the door, peeking your head in. You still didn’t receive a response, but you saw him sitting at his desk. He wasn’t typing, however, nor was he scrolling through the pages on the screen in front of him.

You frowned. You already knew what was happening.

You walked further into the room. “Keiji,” you said again when you approached his side. He simply gave you a hum in acknowledgement. You rolled your eyes and turned his chair so he was facing you, but he kept his gaze straight ahead. A groan left you and you cupped his face in your hands, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his lips.

His eyes widened, and his gaze focused on you for a moment before his eyes fluttered shut and he parted his knees slightly so you could stand between them.

“You’re gonna give yourself burnout if you keep spacing out like that. I know how much you overthink stuff like this,” you scolded when you pulled away.

He sighed, hands settling on your hips. “I know, it’s just, I’ve got this deadline—”

“I know you do,” you interrupted, “that’s why I’m here. I had a feeling you’d be working too hard.” You gave him a fond smile and ran a hand gently through his hair. “So I brought you dinner.”

He perked up at the mention of food and smiled up at you. “You’re the best.”

“I know.” You grinned. “Now c’mon, let’s go eat so you can give that pretty little head of yours a rest,” you teased, ruffling his hair once more before reaching for his hand and pulling him out of his chair.

He hummed and laced your fingers together as he stood up. “Sounds good,” he murmured before bringing your hand up and placing a kiss to your knuckles. “You know me so well.”

You smiled. “I’ve been told I’m quite observant.”

He chuckled and gave your hand an affirmative squeeze. “Yeah, you sure are.”

[jinkicake]

Now or Never

Ushijima and his deadpan reactions are going to be the death of you.

Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader

For @dontfuckwpigeons !!! I hope you like it!!! Omg I accidentally posted this earlier while I was trying to save it,, sorry for anyone who saw the rough draft of this.... this is humiliating. Umm, yeah this is another reader and Oikawa friendship pairing with a sprinkle of Iwaoi because you know...  If I had to choose a best friend from the haikyuu clowns it would be Oikawa. This is kinda like a college au, heheh >:-)

SEMI-SMUTTY // NSFW

WC- 1,476

~~~

“Every fucking time I dress up for him, you know what he says to me?” You snap as you continue to furiously stir your drink. Oikawa simply glances up at you from behind his sunglasses, his hangover still railing him. “Looks good.” You purposely lower your voice to try and match Ushijima’s before puffing your cheeks out in relation.

“Does he still fuck you afterward?” Oikawa asks uninterestedly, drinking from his iced coffee as he palms his temples. Damn you for getting him up so early on a Sunday.

“Yes.” You scoff and Oikawa shrugs in response. “I still want a better response though, I want to know what he likes because I want to see him ‘oh’.”

“See him, ‘oh’?” The brunette tilts his head in confusion and you open your mouth like a gasp.

“Oh,” You explain and point to your face, Oikawa simply blinks.

“Oh? Oh.” He nods in understanding and you down your drink in one go. “Here’s an idea (Y/N), why don’t you just ask him how he feels about your little outfits?” Oikawa’s nose scrunches up in disgust at the thought of Ushijima’s ‘oh’.

“I want to catch him off gaurd Tooru! I want that seductive power!” You slam your fist onto the table and Oikawa lets out a groan, the loud noise catching him by surprise. “I am going to tell you every reaction he had for the last four ‘outfits’ I bought him.” You bend your index and middle finger as you quote the word outfit.

“Where do you have the money for this shit?” Oikawa throws back and you shrug innocently. “I swear if you skip buying meals and shit for this-“

“I would never!” You scoff and Oikawa simply raises a brow at you. “Anyway! There I was in the cutest baby pink bodysuit and I walk into his bedroom and Ushijima glances at me. That’s it, he looks at me and tilts his head like a stupid little puppy and simply blinks. I can’t even be mad at him because he is so cute!”

Throughout your entire rant Oikawa simply stares up at the ceiling, mentally trying to figure out how you got him to leave his beautiful bed to talk about Ushijima. Oikawa has to refrain from making a face. The setter comes to the conclusion that the world hates him, that is why this is happening to him.

“And then I tried a black bustier with lace and thigh highs and he didn’t say anything again! He still had that neutral unbreaking expression on his face, though he did fuck me into next week like he genuinely rearranged my guts-“

Oikawa starts tuning you out again and instead focuses on his drink as he tries to picture the outfits you’re talking about. How is he supposed to know what a bustier is? Would Iwaizumi like it if he wore something like that? Oikawa knows he would very much like it if his boyfriend wore something like that, it would definitely complement his power bottom nights-

“The last outfit I tried was a corset, I mean I also wore a thong one time for him but does that even count? And guess what reaction I got?”

Oikawa gasps in fake interest.

“The same expression he always has on?” He asks and you nod your head.

“Yes! Does he think I’m trying too hard, oh what if Ushijima doesn’t like it and doesn’t have the heart to tell me?” You continue to worry out loud, mostly to yourself, and Oikawa glances out the coffee shop window.

The springtime really is pretty especially with the cherry blossoms. Maybe he should force Matsukawa to go hiking or go explore a waterfall or something. What is Matsukawa even doing this week, studying for his midterms? Lame, Oikawa notes that out of all of his friends, you’re the only one who will go drinking with him on Tuesday until you’re both puking in his bathroom.

A strong, beautiful friendship.

“Is he going to break up with me? What if he-“

“(Y/N).” Oikawa finally has enough, he grabs your hands in his and squeezes them hard. “Ushijima is not going to break up with you. You really shouldn’t be worrying this much and if it really bothers you, you need to tell him!” Oikawa scolds, not before he nearly gags on Ushijima’s name.

“Clearly, he really likes what you are wearing even if he doesn’t say it. Judging by your, you know,” He points at your neck with a grimace on his face, you didn’t even bother to cover anything up. You nervously pick at the collar of the hoodie you have on, bringing it up to your chin. “He probably just has a different love language. You and I need words and our significant others simply don’t have the words. It’s okay!”

“You’re right, Tooru!” You gush and Oikawa flips his hair.

“As I always am,”

“I am going to go buy another outfit! And if he doesn’t say anything then I will force him to!” You stand up from your chair and Oikawa swirls his drink in his hand.

“Not what I really said but the thought is there,” He mutters into his straw and you stare at him like you are waiting for him to follow you.

“Do you want to come with me?” At your question, Oikawa stares at you in confusion. To put it simply, hell no.

No, Oikawa doesn’t want to ruin his Sunday by going shopping for Ushiwaka. He simply refuses, he won’t. However, as he continues to stare at you, he figures he would be able to get dinner out of it.

“Sure, you’re buying me food though.” He subtly drops and stands up from his chair, you grab his wrist and proceed to drag him out of the coffee shop.

“I will gladly feed you, Tooru!”

~

Okay, you can do it, you can do it. You stare at yourself in the mirror hanging in Ushijima’s bathroom, the neutral color of the outfit compliments your skin gorgeously. The sheer material falls gracefully over your shoulders, falling like a robe, and this you know will get him. You glance away from the mirror because you know if you stare for too long you will psych yourself out.

Instead, you swallow all your nerves and roll your shoulders back confidently.

Now or never.

You push open the bathroom door and walk into the living room, already knowing that Ushijima is sitting comfortably on the couch. He doesn’t glance up when you walk in, obviously, your arrival wasn’t loud enough.

“Wakatoshi~” You coo and walk up to him, you stand at the edge of the couch and Ushijima slow looks up at you. His eyes run all over your body before landing on your face, your breath hitches when you notice his lips parted slightly agape. “Do you like it?” You ask, your excitement getting the best of you.

“Yes,” Ushijima tells you and that is all he says. You place your hands on his shoulders and blink at him.

“That’s all you have to say?” You press and narrow your eyes, Ushijima simply nods.

Much to his surprise, you push him back against the couch. You sit down directly onto his lap and keep your palms flat against his chest to hold him against the piece of furniture. Ushijima could easily get up, easily sit up even with you on top of him but he lets you continue instead.

“You don’t like it.” You state sadly and Ushijima shakes his head.

“No, I do like it. I love everything you wear.” He compliments and runs his large hands up and down your sides, his pants growing tight at the feeling of the material under his palms.

“Why don’t you ever say that then?” Your insecurity gets the best of you and you are unable to look at him anymore. Ushijima notices your pout with a heavy heart.

“I do not want you to feel as if you have to dress up for me,” Ushijima confesses and you snap your eyes back to him, he continues to stare at your outfit. “I want you to dress up because you want to, not for me.”

Deep in your mind, you can hear Oikawa screaming at you from across the city. His ‘I told you so’ rings loudly in your ears. You push those thoughts to the back of your head and instead stare down at Ushijima with a soft smile on your face.

“I’m sorry for getting upset,” You apologize and gently cup his jaw, running your thumb along his bottom lip.

“I should have said more, I apologize.” Ushijima sighs deeply with regret and you lean forward to press your chest to his.

“You can make it up to me,” The flirtatious response cheekily leaves your lips and Ushijima can’t take his eyes off of your smirk.

“Yeah?” He breathes and you ghost your lips over his.

“Yeah."

~ Taglist.

@yams046 @why-am-i-sad-and-sleepy @xhanjisungiex @xxashshs @chaosamu @angelkogane @augustdearly @kunimwuah  @littleshopoflove @osamuonigiri @pearzuko @darksxder @macaronnv @nerdygremlin @buzzybeebee

[rowyn-writes]

Cinnamon and Sugar

Chapter One

Warnings: Small mentions of depression, language, mentions of sex.

Characters: Jo Harvelle, Dean Winchester, Chuck, Jack Kline

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word count: 2k

You groaned as you flailed your hand around, trying to silence your annoying ass alarm clock. It was 4:30 in the morning, and to say you weren’t a morning person was an understatement.

You didn’t understand why you had to get up so early in the morning when the shop didn’t open until seven, but that was Chuck for you, always trying to ruin your peace. You didn’t mind your boss; when he stayed out of the way, that is.

You quickly got dressed, fed and watered you cat, giving him some belly rubs, before heading out the door. You didn’t live that far away from the shop, only a five minute drive, but you decided to walk there pretty much every morning. It was good exercise.

You jiggled the key in the lock before swinging the doors open. The smell of old books comforted you. It was always one of your favorite things. If you could bottle the smell and make a candle, then your life would be complete.

You began to set up for the day, grinding coffee beans, getting the display case ready, wiping down counters, the works. You knew the store didn’t get it’s rush hour until at least nine o’clock, so you had plenty of time to yourself. You connected your phone to the speakers in the store and began to play some of your favorite songs.

If you were being honest, you loved having the place to yourself. While you loved social interactions and talking to people, there was something about the tranquil environment of a coffee shop that just made you feel content.

You knew it was going to be busier than usual, since it was a Monday and everyone needed their morning coffee before going to work. Once you were finished setting up, you got out your backpack and began working on your homework. You were currently attending the University of Kansas, trying to get your Masters degree in chemistry.

You would have gone to a more prestigious if you could have afforded it. But UK was the best you were going to get. Plus, it wasn’t all that bad, as you had made some new friends there. Your best friend, Jo Harvelle, you had know since you were ten years old. She worked along side you in the coffee shop, and she should have been here ten minutes ago.

“Jesus Jo.” You muttered under your breath, looking at your phone. “Why is she always so damn late.” You went ahead and clocked in for her, because if Chuck saw that she was half an hour late, he was going to fire her. Again.

“I’m here! I’m here!” She exclaimed, rushing through the doors. “Sorry I’m late. I overslept.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just put on your apron and get to work. These coffee’s aren’t going to make themselves."

Jo gave you a mock salute and got to work. Like you thought, the line was pretty long. You and Jo rushed to get out orders and clean up as you went. Around 12, it finally died down.

"Thank god it won't be that busy tomorrow. Tuesday's one of our slower days." Jo huffed as she leaned against the counter.

"Okay, you never told me. . . Why in the hell were you so late today?!" You cuffed Jo, who glared at you.

"Well, if you must know, Y/n, I was having a sleepover." She winked.

"With who this time?" You rolled your eyes.

"I don't actually remember." She admitted. "But he was hot." You snorted at her comment. Since there was hardly anyone there, you decided to sit down on one of the plush arm chairs and start your homework. You had midterms in two weeks, and you were stressing majorly.

"Jeez, Y/n. You're no fun." Jo complained.

"I'll be more fun once midterms are over. Until then, you get Grumpy Y/n." You flipped to the next page of your textbook.

A bell sounded through the store, signaling that someone had just entered. "Oh my god." Jo whispered.

"What?" You asked, furrowing your eyebrows.

"That's the hot guy I slept with last night. And I kinda just left without telling him this morning." You felt your jaw drop. 

“You’re kidding!” You hissed. “Jo, you told him where you work?”

“No!” She defended herself. “No, I didn’t. Look, he’s nice and all, but I really don’t wanna talk to him. I kinda just wanted last night to be a one time thing and never see him again.”

“Fine. Go into the back and start cleaning up while I take his order.” Jo threw you a grateful look as she quickly fled into the kitchen.

You stood up and made your way over to the counter, and boy, was Jo right. The man was very handsome. The first thing you noticed was his emerald green eyes. It was one of his most beautiful features. Although he was gorgeous all around.

“Hi! Welcome to Chuck’s, what can I get for you today?” You gave him a friendly smile.

“Uh, just a large Americano, please.”

You narrowed your eyes at him slightly. “Let me guess, you’re used to crappy diner coffee, right?”

The man chuckled, scratching the side of his face. “Yeah. How’d you guess?”

“You seemed kind of hesitant in ordering, plus, Americano’s are disgusting.” You scrunched up your nose.

“Alright, what do you suggest then?”

“Hmm. . .” You looked the man up and down, trying to see what type of coffee would best suit him. “An Irish coffee. You seem like the type to drink whiskey, am I right?”

“Yeah.” He seemed skeptical. 

“Alright. One large Irish coffee, coming right up. What’s the name for that?”

“Dean.” You nodded as you wrote down his name on the cup. As you were brewing the coffee, you heard a loud crash coming from the kitchen. You quickly set aside what you were doing and ran to the back. 

“Jo?” You called. Your best friend looked at you sheepishly as there were scattered cups on the floor. “Jesus Christ woman, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Is everything okay back here?” Dean asked, rushing into see the two women. “I heard a crash and wanted to make sure everything was okay.”  His eyes widened in surprised as he looked at Jo. “Jo, hey.” He cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Oh, hey, uh-” Jo stumbled.

“Dean.” You whispered.

“Dean. Right, I knew that.”

“No, you didn’t.” Jo glared at you as she hit the back of your head.

“I’m just gonna go and wait for my coffee.” As soon as he was out of ear shot, you bursted out laughing. 

“Oh shut up!” 

You continued laughing as you went back to the counter. “I’m sorry for laughing.” You apologized in between breaths. “It’s just. . . Jo’s my best friend and she always looks for a chance to embarrass me, so whenever I get the chance to embarrass her, I take it.”

Dean cracked a smile. “Yeah, I’m like that with my brother.”

“I have a brother too.” You said, continuing to brew Dean’s coffee. “He’s five years older than me. Treats me like I’m a child.”

“It’s an older brother thing.” He grinned, leaning on the counter. “I act like I know more than him just because I’m older. It’s a complex.”

“Alright, here’s your Irish coffee.” You smiled, handing him the drink.

He took a small sip of the coffee, fully prepared to be hit with bitterness. He was pleasantly surprised to find that he liked the taste. It wasn’t too bitter or sweet, and the Irish Whiskey was a great bonus. “Wow, this is great.”

“Thanks, I’ve been trying out some new blends. I hope to convince my boss to add some new stuff to the board. But he’s a pain in my ass.” Dean chuckled.

“Well, I’ll definitely be back. This is much better than that crappy diner coffee.” Once Dean was gone, you called out to Jo, telling her that it was safe to come out.

“Well, that was awkward.” As Jo went to hit you again, you grabbed her wrist. “I love you, but I swear, the next time you hit me, I’ll hit you back.” Jo held her hands up in surrender, knowing full well that you would keep your promise.

Around three o’clock, you clocked out, finally going home for the day. You were exhausted and just wanted to get home to your cat, Storm. The days were getting shorter and the nights were getting cooler. It was becoming fall, the leaves were changing to a beautiful orange-red color, and every store you went inside smelled like pine cones. 

You unlocked the door to your apartment, setting down your keys and bag on the small table by the door. You clicked your tongue, calling out to your cat. He came instantly, wrapping his body around your ankle. “Hey, Storm. Did you have a good day?” Storm purred loudly as he continued to weave back and forth in between your legs.

You refilled Storms food bowl before going to sit down on the couch. You will still crunching for midterms, and it was awful, to say the least. You were hardly retaining anything that you were reading. Nothing seemed to be sticking.

You sighed as you threw your textbook aside. Instead of studying like you should have been, you decided to call your friend, Jack. You, Jack and Jo had been friends since you were kids, all going to the same elementary school. Granted, your parents had forced you to spend time together, but you grew to be close friends.

“Hey, Y/n!” Jack’s face popped up on the screen. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” You smiled. “I feel like we haven’t talked in ages. Ever since you decided to go to college in North Carolina. Duke sucks, by the way.”

Jack laughed, his honey blond hair falling in his eyes. “Duke does not suck, I’ll have you know. It’s one of the most prestigious schools in the south.”

“Oh yeah, because the south is soooo great.” You teased.

“It is great, Y/n. Once you get past the bipolar weather, it’s nice. The food and drinks are amazing too.”

“Well, you better be getting your ass over here for Christmas. I haven’t seen you in months. Jo and I miss you a lot.”

“Speaking of Jo, how’s she doing? Does she still arrive ‘fashionably late’ to everything?”

“Duh.” You snorted. “Have you met Joanna Beth Harvelle?”

“Sadly.” He muttered. 

“Don’t act like you don’t love her. She may be an annoying bitch, but she’s our annoying bitch.” You both laughed, genuine smiles on your faces. It had been so long since you actually smiled. For months now, it felt like you had been drowning in the ocean, trying to break the surface, but never quite reaching it. You could hear other people around you talking, laughing, out living your life while you just stayed stuck.

You had so desperately wanted your senior year of college to be normal, to return to normal, at least. You wanted to enjoy everything that the last year of college had to offer. You wanted to get wasted at parties, hook up with hot guys, or girls, you didn’t really care. You just wanted to be happy, but things were so much more complicated than that.

“Okay, I really hate to leave so soon, but I have a date tonight.” Jack seemed proud of himself. He was awkward when it came to the female species, aside from you and Jo, he never really talked to other girls. He could never seem to say the right things to them, and it always turned out weird.

You pouted, sticking out your lip. “Aww, okay. Well, as soon as it’s over, call me. I want to know how it went.”

“Will do. Bye, Y/n. Love you.”

“Love you too.” And just like that, you were left alone with your thoughts again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Tag List:

@akshi8278​ @laycblack  @lovememisha

If anyone else would liked to be tagged when the next chapter comes out, let me know!

[deanstop13billyjoeltraxx]

Superposition

a deancas college roommate au :)

Chapter 8 is up on AO3! Chapter-by-chapter masterlist here. 

CW: mentions of verbal abuse, homophobia, alcoholism, jail time. instances of smoking. 

some notes: I usually go through and italicize as necessary when I’m posting on tumblr because it doesn’t copy over from my og text, but this chapter is like 6200 words and i’m just not gonna do that. recommend reading on AO3 for the best experience!!

An Exercise in Futility

Three Years Earlier

Castiel was convinced that his life was one massive, cosmic joke.

He’d been considering the possibility for some time. Being the gay son of a homophobic pastor does that to a person. When he discovered, sometime around the age of twelve, that the girls in his Sunday school class were far less interesting than the boys, he could practically feel God laughing at him. Then there was high school, where the religious prattling was replaced by what felt like endless torment at the hands of his peers. 

He felt like college was quickly becoming the third punchline.

Not that things were bad. Things were good, actually, better than they’d been in years. He was learning about things he cared about. He passed his midterms with flying colors. He even had friends. He spent a weekend watching all of the Lord of the Rings with Charlie. He had switched seats in accounting to sit next to Meg.

And, of course, there was Dean. Dean, who dragged Cas to a football game and didn’t drink a sip of alcohol the whole time in solidarity; Dean, who, after Tombstone, insisted on movie night every Tuesday; Dean, who, demanded that Cas print out a copy of one of his short stories and sign it (“When you’re a famous douchebag, this is gonna be worth so much money”).

It seemed that, on all fronts, Castiel had finally capitalized on the collegiate promise of a second chance. 

But by his own estimation, he was doomed.

Because sometimes, his palms started sweating when Dean stood too close. Sometimes, his heartbeat skipped when Dean threw an arm across Cas’s shoulders. Sometimes, Cas woke up from a dream so vivid, he was disappointed to find himself alone in his bunk bed.

He could see how easy it would be to fall in love with Dean Winchester, what with the blond hair and green eyes, bright smiles and southern lilt, funny jokes and considerate actions. The prospect was utterly terrifying, and Castiel was doing everything in his power to stop dwelling on it.

He’d been down the “falling in love with your straight best friend” road before. AP biology class brought Cas a lab partner in Ben Wright. Soccer team captain, A-student, all around nice guy. Maybe Ben didn’t do anything to stop the constant verbal torment, but he never took part in it. At first, being around him was exhilarating. Sharing looks, catching smiles, trading inside jokes; Cas was intoxicated. He was so high on first love that he made the mistake of confiding in Bartholomew. Cas had always considered him to be a role model, friend and brother at the same time. But that night, when Cas came out, Bartholomew looked at him like one might look at spoiled food. He’d agreed not to tell their father, on the condition that Cas never speak about the matter again, that he figure out some way to “cleanse himself.” They hadn’t spoken since that night.

And so the feelings that once propelled Castiel to school with anticipation suddenly made him dread it. Not only did baring his soul to a brother get him a one-way ticket to estrangement, but Ben started dating someone else, a girl from his English class. Now every shared look was painful, smiles were false, inside jokes stopped being funny.

It was somehow worse, knowing Ben could never feel the same way. It certainly didn’t help the feelings of guilt and shame brought by his family.

Cas would do anything not to feel that way again. 

He started by insisting that Dean invite Benny and Charlie to more of their nightly dinners. And while he honestly liked the both of them, he would be lying if he didn’t admit that their presence was, first and foremost, a distraction from Dean. He took up running again, as a way to get himself out of the dorm when Dean decided to stay in. He spent more time studying with Meg.

Meg was shockingly easy to befriend. She wasn’t nice — Cas had watched in shock when, once, she dumped a hot coffee on a skateboarder who had knocked her down on accident — but she never said a mean thing to Castiel. She was like him: a black sheep, the child everyone wished they could forget. Only, where Cas had become an agnostic and gone to college, Meg had become a Satanist and gone to jail for arson.

But this was her new leaf, she told him. Maybe it didn’t matter why someone needed a second chance, only that they were willing to take one.

They had been working for an hour when she threw her pen at his head and said, “Cas, you should come with me to Sig Ep’s Halloween party tomorrow. Be my date.”

Cas took a moment to process the meaning of party + date + with Meg. “Uh, I don’t — well, um, parties aren’t really —”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re allowed to say no, hun.”

Cas panicked. Meg was looking at him expectantly, her resigned smile making it clear she was prepared for rejection.

“Well, I… It’s not because of you — you’re very beautiful, and smart. Actually, you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve met here.” She grinned at that. “It’s just, I don’t really… Go on dates. With girls.”

She studied him a moment before understanding lit up her face. “Oh.”

Castiel fidgeted with his pencil, refusing to meet her eyes. He’d only ever done this once, and it hadn’t gone well. But he liked having a friend, and more than that, he liked having Meg as a friend. He didn’t want her to think he wasn’t interested because of any fault of her own.

“Cas,” she said. When he didn’t respond, she poked him in the arm. “Castiel.” He raised his eyes. “It’s cool. It’s not like you can just choose to like girls when a pretty one asks you on a date.”

“I… Understand, if you would rather not be friends,” Cas said, cautiously.

“What?” Meg’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about? Why would I not want to be friends?” She laughed a little. “That would be super ironic, considering I told you I went to juvie and you didn’t bat an eye.”

“Because I’m gay,” Cas said quietly, looking down again.

Meg grabbed both his hands. “Cas, hun, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

He looked up again, eyes wide. “What? I mean, I know that, I just… Not everyone does.”

Meg smiled sadly at him and gripped his hands a little tighter. “Well, I do. No biggie. We’re going to be iconic together, you and I. Sexiest gay-straight alliance of all time.”

Cas smiled weakly, relief flooding his entire body. “Thank you, Meg. I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to make any judgements on your character. It’s just… This,” he motioned at the air between them, “has never gone well for me.”

Meg shook her head. “That’s a shame,” she said. “I haven’t known you that long. But I think I can tell that you — all the parts of you — are awesome.”

“You can still come to the party,” she added after a moment.

Cas shook his head, capping and uncapping his pen repeatedly. “Parties… They’re not really my scene.”

“All right. You know who to call if you change your mind.”

                   On Halloween, Castiel returned from his nightly run to find Dean pulling on a flannel. He checked his watch — he had barely made it. 6:57 pm.

“Right on time,” Dean said. “I was about to leave without you.”

“I would have never forgiven you if you did,” Cas joked. Then, “Are Charlie and Benny coming?”

“Nah, they’re both busy tonight. Halloween parties, you know.”

“Oh.” Castiel took a large sip of his water. “You’re not attending a Halloween party?”

Dean shrugged. “Wasn’t really feeling it tonight. Plus, I have a feeling you’ve never seen The Exorcist?” When Cas shook his head, Dean rubbed his hands together. “Oh man, we are totally watching it tonight. Unless you’re busy,” he added, raising his eyebrows at Cas.

“I’m not,” Cas replied. Dean knew this already, of course, otherwise Cas might have made something up. The waters in which he tread got more dangerous each day. He couldn’t escape the warm feeling flooding his chest at the idea of Dean ditching the parties for a movie night.

It was precisely that feeling that caused him to hurriedly ask, “Would you mind if I invited Meg to dinner?”

“Who?” Dean asked, lacing up his boots.

“Meg Masters. She’s the friend from accounting that I told you about.”

“Ah,” Dean said. “Right. What, just me isn’t good enough anymore?” Cas thought he was joking, but it seemed forced.

“Dean —”

“I’m kidding, man,” Dean said with a short laugh. “Sure, she can come.”

Castiel hurriedly splashed his face with cold water and shed his sweaty t-shirt in favor of a hoodie. Dean feigned a sniff in his direction and made a face, to which Cas replied with an eye-roll. As they left their dorm, Cas sent a text to Meg.

CN (7:02 pm)

Would you like to get dinner with Dean and me?

CN (7:02 pm)

Unless you’re already at your party, in which case, be safe.

MM (7:03 pm)

Party not til later. hot roommate dean?

CN (7:04 pm)

...Is that a yes?

MM (7:04 pm)

Yes please ;) shocker dining?

CN (7:05 pm)

Yes. We’ll meet you there.

Dean grabbed a burger and an inordinate amount of fries while Castiel loaded his plate with spaghetti and a salad. Meg walked into the dining room just after he and Dean sat down, and Cas waved her over.

“Meg,” he said, offering her the seat next to his, “this is Dean Winchester. Dean, this is Meg Masters.” Dean smiled at her with a mouthful of french fries. Cas dropped his head in exasperation.

“Pleasure,” Meg said with a half-cocked smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Dean shrugged. “I am pretty awesome. Can’t say the same about you, though.”

Cas went bright red. He shot Dean a glare, then turned to Meg. “He’s joking —”

Meg’s grin only widened, and she giggled. “It’s all right, Cas, I’m not very interesting.” She raised an eyebrow at him. He became extremely intent upon eating his dinner.

Dean stared at her for a moment, chewing a bite of burger. “So,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “You know Cas from accounting?”

“That’s right,” Meg said brightly.

“So he’s your tutor or somethin’?”

Cas interjected. “Actually, Meg is far more capable than I am. She essentially taught me everything about liabilities.”

“Adorable,” Dean grumbled.

“Isn’t it?” Meg asked sweetly. “And you’re his roommate.”

“Yep.”

“Lucky you.” She gave him a wink. Dean choked on his diet Coke, and Castiel prayed to whomever was listening that he might cease to exist.

“Meg,” he said, giving her a pointed look, “did you finish the homework?”

She pulled her eyes away from Dean. “Yeah, I did.” She dropped her voice. “Did you want to go over it? At my place?” She winked at Cas, who stared at her in horror. Why was she acting like this? “You know,” Meg continued, “We can do other things too. Besides accounting.”

Dean cleared his throat loudly. “I’m gonna go grab some more fries. Do y’all want anything?” 

Cas and Meg shook their heads. When Dean had left the table, Cas gave Meg a death stare.

“What’s wrong with you?” He hissed. “I thought we covered this —”

“Yes, Cas, hun, I know you’re extraordinarily gay,” Meg said with an eyeroll. “I’m not actually interested. I’m just conducting an experiment.” 

Cas narrowed his eyes. “What ‘experiment’—”

He closed his mouth abruptly and leaned away from Meg when he saw Dean returning from the buffet line. He returned to his seat, looking between Cas and Meg suspiciously. Cas downed his water in one swift action.

“So, Dean,” Meg said after taking a bite of her pizza. “I hear you’re educating our friend here on pop culture.”

Dean didn’t bother to look up at her while he swirled a fry in ketchup. “Guess so.” 

Cas cleared his throat to interject. This direction of conversation was much better. “Meg asked what my favorite movie was,” he explained to Dean, who still hadn’t looked up from his plate. “I told her about how much I liked Back to the Future when we watched it last week.” 

Dean gave him a small smile. “Yeah, that movie’s friggin’ awesome.”

Cas turned to Meg. “We’re watching The Exorcist tonight.” 

Meg gasped dramatically. “So that’s why you blew off our date?”

Dean sputtered into his drink. “Date?” He said through a cough.

Cas looked helplessly at Meg, who unhelpfully smiled back. He was going to have words with her after this. 

“I asked him to come to the SigEp party, but he said he was busy,” Meg said, feigning a pout. “But I get it, parties aren’t really Cas’s thing, anyway.”

Dean’s eyes flickered quickly between Cas and Meg. “All right, am I missing something?” He asked. His leg was bouncing against the table leg, hard enough that Cas’s plate was vibrating. 

Cas looked at him, panicked, and stuttered out, “I don’t —”

“Like what?” Meg asked, sipping on her water.

“You his girlfriend or somethin’?”

This question delighted Meg. “Why don’t you ask him?”

Dean turned to Cas with an exasperated look. “Well?” He prodded.

Cas was sure he was about three different shades of red at this point. “What — I — no,” he sputtered.

Dean seemed to relax a little. Meg was still grinning like a madman. “There you go,” she said.

Castiel could not formulate a single coherent thought. He was confused as to how they even ended up here. The silence between the three of them was thick and awkward. Meg paid it no mind, just popped a strawberry in her mouth and gave Dean a sickly sweet smile. Dean excused himself to use the restroom, hitting his leg on the table and nearly tripping over his chair. Once he had left, Meg turned to Cas, her eyes sparkling.

“You are so in,” she said.

“What the hell was that?” He asked her. “What just happened?”

“He thinks I’m into you,” she explained. She took a bite of her pizza, then continued, “And he thinks you might be into me. And he hates that.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Cas scoffed.

Meg laughed, throwing her head back. When Cas fixed her with a glare, her eyes widened. “You really don’t see it?”

Cas pinched the bridge of his nose. “There’s nothing to ‘see’. I already told you.”

“Yeah, right. Whatever, you’ll thank me later.”

“For creating what is perhaps the most awkward dinner I’ve ever had in my life?”

She waved him off. “Don’t be such a baby, it wasn’t that bad.”

Cas gave her a look that suggested otherwise. She sighed.

“Look, the way you talk about him…” Meg grabbed Cas's hand when he rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. You like him, and now you know he likes you too.” She sat up proudly. “I just did all the heavy lifting for you.”

“Right,” Cas said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Obviously, this interaction points to an inevitable romantic encounter. Except, and I think this is important, Dean is not gay.”

Meg raised an eyebrow. “Well, the way he looks at you, he’s not straight either. Plus, he apparently still thinks you’re straight, so you two haven’t had that conversation yet. He could be flamingly bisexual and you would never know.”

“This conversation is exhausting.” Cas felt like he was watching a Disney Channel Original Movie, and Meg was a fifteen-year-old matchmaker.

Meg laughed. “I’m sure you’ll survive. By the way, did you actually want to go over the homework this weekend?”

“Yes,” he said, relieved at the change in subject.

Dean returned then. “Are y’all done?” He asked, pointing to their plates. Cas and Meg both nodded, offering “thank you’s” as Dean took their plates to the dish rack. They followed him to the exit, the crisp air sending a chill through Castiel.

“Did you want me to walk back with you, Meg?” Cas offered.

She beamed at him. “You’re so sweet, but no. I’m getting an Uber to Sig Ep, anyway.” She dug into her coat pocket and pulled out something small and black. “Plus, if anyone tries anything, they’ll find themselves electrocuted. Just a little bit.”

Cas grinned. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“See you on Monday, Cas,” Meg said, giving him a hug that lasted just a touch too long. “It was good to meet you, Dean.”

“You too,” Dean muttered.

They watched her walk away for a moment. Cas wanted to avoid looking at Dean for as long as humanly possible. He had no idea how he was supposed to explain the previous interaction.

“So,” Dean said, clearing his throat. “She’s… Nice.”

“She is,” Castiel agreed earnestly. “Dean, I’m sorry, Meg can be a bit…” He struggled to find an adequate descriptor. “I think she enjoys others’ discomfort a bit too much, sometimes,” he finished.

Dean let out a short laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. It’s not a big deal, man.”

They stood in silence, Dean looking at the ground intently, Cas tugging on the strings of his hoodie. Dean kicked a rock, then sighed. “You, uh, you ready to head back?”

“Yes,” Cas replied.

The walk back to their dorm was quiet. Castiel couldn’t tell for sure, but he thought Dean looked bothered. He felt bad — he had honestly expected for Meg and Dean to get along. He had thought them to be similar in their confident and boisterous personalities. Now, he wondered if that was precisely the problem. Too much personality at the same dinner table. He winced internally at his own poor judgement. Meg obviously took no issue with the encounter, but he worried that Dean might hold it against him.

Dean let them into their room, then wrinkled his nose at Cas once more. “Dude, seriously, go take a shower. You’re gross.”

“Actually, I enjoy the feeling of my sweat drying all over my skin. I was thinking of going straight to bed like this. It’s not as if I didn’t take a shower because of your constant insistence upon eating meals at the same time every day”

Dean made a gagging motion. “Hey, we had an appointment, and you were almost late. How is that my fault?”

Cas just rolled his eyes and gathered his things to head to the showers. He let out a muttered, “Crap” when he realized nearly all of his laundry was dirty. He’d been busy this week, and running every day tended to render his clothes unwearable after a single use. He made a mental note to do laundry first thing in the morning. He was able to find an old pair of gym shorts, but not a single t-shirt remained in his closet. Cas groaned inwardly. So he would simply have to sit next to Dean for approximately two-and-a-half hours, shirtless. Fantastic.

When he returned from his shower, Cas found Dean cooking two bags of popcorn, the title menu of The Exorcist already on screen. Dean stood up from the microwave when Cas entered, and was halfway into a thumbs-up when he did a double take.

“Uh… We goin’ shirtless tonight, Baywatch?” He said, tugging at his collar.

Castiel tilted his head. “I don’t understand that reference.”

“Of course you don’t,” Dean said with a chuckle. “Seriously, though, dude.”

Cas sighed as he sat on their beanbag. “I have a lot of laundry to do tomorrow,” he said by way of an explanation.

Dean didn’t respond, but made his way to his own closet. He ruffled through it for a moment before Cas was hit in the face by a t-shirt.

“Here, just wear one of mine,” Dean said. He coughed and crossed his arms over his chest. “‘S kinda cold in here, anyway.”

Cas held up the shirt. It was a Led Zeppelin graphic tee, vintage, from their tour in 1977. Cas raised his eyebrows at Dean.

“It’s pretty awesome right?” Cas donned the t-shirt. “Sammy got it for me from a Goodwill a couple years ago. Another of my prized possessions.” He looked at Cas with feigned scrutiny. “Looks good on you,” he said.

Cas played with the hem as he said, “Thank you.” Dean coughed again and walked back to the microwave to retrieve their popcorn. The air was palpable with awkwardness.

Dean turned out the lights. They settled onto the beanbag, as had become custom in the last few weeks. 

Not even thirty minutes in, Dean’s phone began to ring. “Hey, my brother’s callin’, can you pause it?” Dean said.

Cas obliged, and Dean stood as he said, “Hey, Sammy, how’s it goin’?”

Cas sat awkwardly with his hands in his lap, doing his best not to eavesdrop on Dean’s conversation. Though, he supposed if it was private, Dean could have moved to the hallway. Instead, he leaned against the door, twisting the beaded bracelet on his left hand. 

“He did what?” Dean suddenly yelled, and Cas jumped. Dean shot him a quick apologetic look. “

“Sammy, calm down, it’s okay,” Dean said, and Cas couldn’t pretend to not listen anymore. He looked at Dean with a silent question, but Dean was staring hard at the wall, his free hand balled into a fist. 

“Put him on the phone,” Dean said in a low voice. A pause. “What, so now he’s allowed to treat you like shit whenever he wants?” Another pause. A slow exhale from Dean. “No, you’re right. I don’t… I won’t make it worse.” Pause. “Do you want me to come down there? Because I will, you know I will.” 

Dean was silent for a long moment before asking, “Are you sure?” He sighed at whatever his brother said on the other line. “Okay. Let me know if you need anything, I guess. And Sam? I’m really fucking sorry. I should’ve stayed, I don’t…” He trailed off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I know. Yeah. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” 

Dean lowered the phone from his ear. He stood silently for a moment, angry gaze directed at the floor. Then, causing Cas to jump once more, he turned and hurled his fist at the door. 

There was a loud thud upon impact, and then Dean was yelling “Fuck! Goddammit!” as he cradled his hand. Cas stood abruptly, but had no idea what to do. He walked toward Dean, cautiously.

Dean’s eyes were closed, and he was heaving deep breaths. Cas put a hand on his shoulder. “Dean?” He ventured.

“Sorry,” Dean mumbled, still not looking at Cas. “I just — Fuck, that was so stupid,” he said, shaking out his affected hand. “Sorry,” he repeated to the wall. 

“It’s fine,” Cas said, even though he thought it definitely wasn’t. “What happened?” 

Dean just shook his head. Cas’s hand remained on his shoulder. He tightened his grip, a little nervous that Dean might shove him off. “Dean,” he persisted. “You can tell me.” 

Finally, Dean looked at him, and Cas thought if that level of rage was ever directed at him, he would promptly die. Instead, he raised an eyebrow. “Are you all right?” 

“No,” Dean growled. “I gotta — I don’t know, I need to calm down. I don’t actually want to break something,” he said, motioning to the door. “I’m gonna go for a smoke.” 

Cas dropped his hand and folded his arms across his chest. “I’ll go with you.” 

“Cas —” Dean started, but Cas silenced him with a look. He grabbed one of Dean’s flannels from his desk chair and threw it at him. Dean caught it with a cross between surprise and irritation. Cas grabbed his own windbreaker and put it on, looking expectantly at Dean. 

“Are we going?” He asked. 

Dean looked at him as if he was trying to decide whether arguing was worth it. A sigh confirmed that it wasn’t. He silently pulled on his flannel and opened the door, ushering Cas through before exiting himself. 

They walked in silence, despite the fervor of Cas’s concern and curiosity at Dean’s outburst. Dean’s jaw was set, and he took a long, slow breath when they hit the crisp fall air. When they reached the Impala, Cas silently moved to lean on the hood while Dean retrieved his lighter and a cigarette. 

Dean joined Cas as he took a long draw. He exhaled the smoke upwards, his eyes closed. His face was still turned to the sky when he asked, “This really doesn’t bother you?”

“What?”

Dean brandished his cigarette in answer, turning to raise an eyebrow at Cas. 

Cas shrugged. “It’s not particularly comforting. But, there are worse things.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up thoughtfully. “Besides, you’ve been smoking for years. If anyone could convince you to quit, your random college roommate isn’t the most likely option.” 

Dean gave him a strange look before exhaling another plume of smoke. He coughed a little. “I think you have long passed the line between ‘random roommate’ and ‘new best friend.’”

Cas gave a little chuckle. “That’s good to hear.” Inside, his world was falling down and rebuilding itself anew. Dean thought of Cas as his best friend. Cas had never known that feeling, to have someone care about him like that. Cas wondered if that could be enough, being Dean’s best friend.  

He didn’t say anything more, though, just let Dean finish his cigarette. After throwing the butt on the pavement and stomping on it, he heaved a sigh. 

“My dad…” He started, but paused. “He, uh, he said some stuff to Sam. My brother.” 

Cas nodded, doing his best to keep his face neutral. Talking things through wasn’t Dean’s strong suit, and Cas didn’t want dramatics to make it more difficult. 

“What did he say?”

Dean shifted and rubbed his hands together. “Bunch of bullshit. ‘It’s your fault your Mom’s dead, it should have been you instead of her.’” Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I mean, he used to say that to me. He gets into these moods when he drinks, says a bunch of shit he doesn’t mean.” 

Dean shoved himself off the hood and began to pace in front of Cas. “But I could take it, you know? Sammy’s just a kid. He doesn’t need to hear that.” 

“Your father says things like this often?” Cas asked, a tinge of horror in his voice. 

“He used to. But only to me. Never to Sam.” 

Cas took a deep breath, trying to discern how best to proceed. “Dean,” he said slowly, “he shouldn’t say those things. Ever. Not to Sam, and not to you.” 

“I’m just confused,” Dean said. “And pissed. Sam and him are usually okay. I mean, they’re not buddies or anything, but Dad leaves him alone for the most part.”

“I don’t want to overstep,” Cas said, “But it seems like your father used you as an outlet for misplaced rage. A punching bag, if you will. And now you’re gone, so Sam is the next best thing.” 

Dean met Cas'seyes with a horrified look. “God. I didn’t… You’re right. Shit, this is my fault, I can’t believe I —”

“No, Dean,” Cas growled. He stood and grabbed Dean by both shoulders. “This is your father’s fault. Not yours.”

“But I left Sam, alone, with him,” Dean said, and Cas could see panic rising in his eyes. “How could I do that, why —” Cas interrupted him again. “Why did you decide to attend college, Dean? What’s the real reason?”

“What?” Dean gave him an incredulous look. “I don’t know.” 

Cas tilted his head down, skeptical. 

Dean let out a long sigh. “Okay, all right. I went because Sam is smart, and he needs to go. But we don’t have any money. So I figured if I came and got a degree or some shit, I could make enough to throw him some cash while he goes to school. Get some summer internships and save up for his college fund. He’d probably still have to take out loans and stuff, but if I got a good job, I could help him pay them off.” 

Cas wasn’t sure what answer he had expected, but it wasn’t that one. He felt his heart break for the man standing in front of him, who did everything he could and more for the people he cared about and never felt like it was enough. 

“Would Sam ever hold that against you?” When Dean didn’t respond, Cas continued. “I know I wouldn’t. I have four older siblings, and not a single one of them has ever done something like that for me.”

“But—”

“You’re making yourself miserable over something that isn’t your fault,” Cas said. “Did you have anyone protecting you when your father went on a tirade?” 

“No, but—”

“Is Sam incapable of handling himself?”

“No, but Cas—”

“He’ll be alright, Dean,” Cas insisted. “You can’t live your whole life as his shield. You’ll break yourself trying.” 

Dean was silent, and wouldn’t  meet Cas's eyes. Cas dropped his hands and leaned back against the Impala. “Did you ever think that Sam might have wanted you to go to school simply so you could get yourself out? Did you ever think that Sam hates the way your father treated you as much as you hate what he did to Sam tonight?” 

Dean pursed his lips together, but his jaw relaxed slightly. Finally, he muttered, “I guess I never thought about it like that.” 

Cas felt relief wash over him. He’d never seen Dean like this — angry and frantic. Cas wondered if Dean always did this, shouldered the blame for every bad thing his brother had to endure. The thought made his chest hurt. 

Dean’s hands were hanging limply at his side. He looked exhausted. Against his better judgement, Cas grabbed Dean by the forearm and pulled him into a hug. Dean was still for a moment, but then sighed and rested his head on Cas's shoulder. 

“Sorry, man,” he said. “I didn’t mean to act like that, punching things and shit. I just get so angry, and I don’t know what to do with it.” 

Cas was trying very hard to form a coherent thought. “There’s no need for apologies. I understand.” 

A chuckle escaped Dean’s lips. “You must think I’m a complete nutjob, huh?” 

Cas tilted his head in consideration. Dean’s hair tickled his cheek. “No. I think your father spent years verbally abusing you, and you’re doing your best in spite of that.” 

Dean broke the hug abruptly. The sudden space between them felt criminal. “I mean, I don’t know if it’s abuse…” He started, but, at Cas's look, he trailed off. Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Thanks, Cas,” he said quietly. “Honestly, dude, I don’t know what I would have done without you.” 

Cas's cheeks warmed, and he shrugged. “You would have done the same for me.” 

Dean gave him a small smile. Cas’s heart nearly broke with relief. “I’m beat,” he said. “Bed?” 

Cas nodded eagerly. “Bed.” 

When they reached the stairs, Dean broke the heavy silence.

“So…” He began. There was a false brightness in his voice; he was obviously searching for levity. “You hanging out with your girlfriend tomorrow?” 

“If you’re referring to Meg, she’s still not my girlfriend,” Cas replied vacantly. “And yes.” He suddenly felt exhausted. First the mortifying dinner with Meg, then the heavy conversation with Dean. He hardly had it in him to field jokes about Meg being his girlfriend.

“She’s not your girlfriend yet,” Dean amended, giving Cas a smirk that didn’t meet his eyes. 

And what was Cas supposed to say to that? Meg was funny and smart and beautiful. She and Cas studied together on the regular. There was absolutely no reason he shouldn’t be interested in Meg from Dean’s perspective. 

Of course, if Dean knew he was gay… 

Cas didn’t know if he could face the consequences of coming out to Dean. Would he be upset that Cas hadn’t told him earlier? Would he be uncomfortable with a gay man as his roommate? As his friend? Cas may have expanded his social circle, but he still couldn’t bear to lose Dean. 

But, then again, Dean had defended him once already, without knowing whether or not he was gay. He’d sounded indifferent to the possibility then. And just tonight, he’d called Cas his best friend. Dean cared more deeply for his friends and family than anyone Cas had ever met. Cas was in that group. Dean wouldn’t shove him out of it because of who he loved.

Right?

As they reached the entrance to their hall, Dean poked Cas in the shoulder. “Hey, Earth to Major Tom,” he said. “You okay over there?” 

Cas realized he hadn’t said a word since they started their ascent up the stairs. He sighed heavily.

Perhaps this was as good a time as any. 

“Dean,” he said, but closed his mouth. He should just say it. He had nothing to worry about. This wasn’t Bartholomew. He knew that, but the words remained stuck in his throat.

“What?” Dean said, eyebrows raised. “Cas,” he prodded, waving a hand in front of Cas’s face. 

“I’m not…” Cas swallowed. “I will never date Meg,” he finished, with a pointed look. 

Dean side-eyed him as they walked to their door. “What, she’s not your type?” 

Cas gave him a lopsided smile. “You could say that.” 

“I dunno, man, maybe you should reconsider, you two are pretty adorable, in a gross way —”

“Dean.” Cas was about to rip his hair out. He wasn’t taking the hint. “She’s not my type. She’s a girl.”

Realization dawned on Dean’s face. “Oh,” he said.

“I apologize for not telling you sooner,” Cas said, bracing for the worst. “If that makes you uncomfortable, I understand —”

“What?” Dean practically shouted. At Cas’s look of surprise, he lowered his voice. “No, Cas, are you kidding? I thought I told you, after all that shit with Cole. It’s not a big deal.”

“Knowing your roommate might possibly be gay and knowing he is, indeed, gay are two very different things.”

Dean looked at Cas like he had just made the worst joke in the world. “I’m not gonna, like, try to move out.” As they approached their room, Cas stared resolutely ahead, walking with purpose. But Dean jumped out in front of him, a hand on Cas’s chest to stop him in his tracks. 

“Dude, it’s gonna take more than that to get rid of me. I lost my shit and punched a door, like, an hour ago, and you barely even blinked.” Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

Cas met Dean’s eyes and found unparalleled sincerity.

“I don’t… You’re not the least bit upset?” Cas asked, slightly incredulous. 

Dean shrugged. “You’re my best friend, Cas,” he said as he straightened. “Nothing’s gonna change that.” He pulled on his bracelet. “I do feel bad though, for making you feel like you couldn’t tell me. Not that you had to, or anything,” he added in a rush.  

Cas shook his head vigorously. “It has nothing to do with you, Dean. I’m… I’m new at this,” Cas explained. “The first time, with Bartholomew… I believe he was, as you would say, a dick about it.” 

Dean’s eyes turned stormy. “Bastard,” he said. “I’m sorry, Cas. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.” 

Cas nodded. “You’re right. It was rather unfortunate. I haven’t spoken to him since the night I told him I was gay.” 

Dean moved back to Cas’s side and slung an arm around his shoulders. “His loss,” he said. “You’re friggin’ awesome, dude.” 

Cas smiled. Dean patted him on the back and let the two of them into their room. 

Cas brushed his teeth and climbed into bed. Dean returned minutes later from a shower, and he flipped off the lights as he made his way to his own bunk. 

Cas pulled off Dean’s shirt and threw it across the room. Dean’s head caught it, and he yelped.

“Thank you for the loan,” Cas said, smiling. 

An odd expression crossed Dean’s face before he threw the Zeppelin shirt back to Cas. “Keep it,” he said. When Cas gave him a confused look, he put a hand on the back of his neck. “I meant what I said. Looks good on you.” 

---------

tagging @nguyenxtrang :)))

[boomerang109]

BOOM ARE YOU STILL ALIVE💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

NO💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

i am (claracaboozle did not murder me, unfortunately) but i probably won’t be reblogging (except for queue) or responding to messages for a bit

i have three papers, a midterm and a final, and i have to start and finish packing for college all by the end of next week (yes this could’ve been avoided if I’d listened to adults and not procrastinated. i didnt) so sadly the blog and my mutuals are going to be neglected for a bit. catch me arriving at college and immediately going on a tumblr binge rather than making friends 🤭 cause i honestly miss bothering y’all sm

it’s really sweet you asked, i hope you are also alive/doing well. expect many more yellow hearts when my unofficial hiatus is over 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

[bouwrites]

Even Heroes Have the Right to Dream: Chapter 9

I remember the first night that she went to find her little place inside this world.

First, Previous, Next. Ao3.

Story under read-more.

“So… that’s the box?”

Marinette nods, frowning down at the Miracle Box.

“It’s, uh…” Jon clears his throat awkwardly, “spherical.”

Marinette snickers. “Not what you were expecting?”

She watches Jon frown at the ladybug-spotted dome of the box. “Well, no…”

“It’s kind of ugly, isn’t it?”

“Yes! Thank God, you said it!” Jon sighs in what must be relief. “I didn’t want to, I don’t know, insult the kwami’s… home? I don’t know, is this thing sacred?”

Marinette giggles freely, enjoying his antics. “It’s fine. It’s not exactly subtle. Or cute. The old guardian, the one who chose me, when the box was his it was this really pretty ornamental puzzle box sort of thing. But then I get it and it’s… this.”

“It’s spherical!” Jon exclaims.

“Yeah, it’s not even a box anymore and I’m honestly not sure if we should, you know, keep calling it that. But what’s the alternative? The Miracle Orb?”

Jon bursts into a giggling fit at that. “Miracle Egg.” He says.

“Or just Egg.” Marinette laughs.

“It is an oblong spherical thing that holds living creatures, so…” Jon just keeps cackling, and Marinette laughs along with him. It’s ridiculous to even consider calling the Miracle Box, the vessel that holds over a dozen immortal gods, an egg, but that’s exactly why Marinette is short on breath and leaning on Jon for support. (Mostly, because the description isn’t wrong.)

“Anyway.” Marinette says when she calms down. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. About finding another way. It might not be… ideal, but I think I figured something out.”

“You did?” Jon watches her curiously. “And what’d you figure out?”

Marinette sighs and closes her eyes. “First, that you’re right. Passing the guardianship on to Chat Noir isn’t really an option. I don’t… Maybe it’s selfish, but I don’t want to forget. It’s too much of my life. I wouldn’t be the same person I am now if I did. And… despite how hard it is sometimes, I do like the person I am now.” She punches Jon’s shoulder gently. “Thanks for that, by the way.”

Jon grins cheekily. “For stopping you from forgetting, or for helping you like yourself?”

“Don’t give yourself too much credit.” Marinette teases. “But both. You’re a big reason why I’m happy giving up being a hero. I never would have accepted that I don’t have to be. I still haven’t completely, but if you weren’t here, then forgetting really would be my only option.” She sighs again, shaking her head. “Anyway. I was thinking about how to be guardian while still refusing to fight, and I’m honestly a little embarrassed I didn’t think of it sooner. The guardian before me did the same thing, though in his case it was because he was too old to fight.”

Jon looks between her and the box. “What are you going to do.”

“I’m giving up Tikki. Not completely, of course. She’ll still be in the box. But I still need a Miraculous to use if I have to, so instead of her, I’ll partner with Wayzz.”

Jon furrows his brow, but simply watches as Tikki and Wayzz both frown sadly at her. “Are you sure about this, Marinette? You’re such a wonderful Ladybug.” Tikki says.

“I’m sure, Tikki.” Marinette glances to Jon. “Wayzz is the turtle kwami of protection.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you.” Wayzz bows politely to Jon, who nods back.

“Did you see when Carapace was around?” Marinette asks.

“I did.” Jon says. “So, this is the Miraculous that he used?”

“Yes. It’s also the Miraculous that the guardian before me used. Its powers are all about shielding. Protection. I can use it, and keep myself and the Miraculous safe, all without breaking my promise of non-violence.”

Jon blinks dumbly. “You made a promise?”

“I am right now.” She says. “To you. We both want to leave that life behind us, and I turned my back on this once, so I’m promising you now. I won’t fight. Ever. If I ever have to again, I’ll find another way. I won’t abandon this life again. Or you.”

Jon worries his lip. His eyes are watery, but otherwise he just stares at her. “I promise, too.” He says eventually. “We’re in this together. No more fighting. No more heroes. There’s always another way.”

“A peaceful life.” Marinette says with a smile.

“A peaceful life.” He agrees. Then, he chuckles softly. “Normal was never possible, was it? But peaceful is. We know it is.”

Wayzz looks between the two of them for a moment and says, “Normal is a common misconception. Even people who are never touched by magic or heroism are all unique. Thus, a ‘normal life’ is entirely subjective, and says little about the actual contents of the life.”

“Heh. I see.” Jon says softly. “You’re the wise one.”

Wayzz laughs. “I try to be helpful.”

“Aha, well, I look forward to getting to know you, Wayzz.”

“And I, you.”

Marinette smiles at the two before turning her attention back to Tikki. “I’m sorry, Tikki.” She says. “I feel like I’m letting you down.”

“Never, Marinette.” Tikki zooms close to hug her cheek. “I understand. Wayzz is a good partner, and I’m glad you found something you care so much about. I’m proud of you, for making the decision to stand by what you believe in.”

And now Marinette is teary-eyed. “Thank you, Tikki. You’ve no idea how much that means to me.”

“Stay safe.” Tikki says. “Stay strong. I believe in you. Just do what you have to to be happy.”

“I will. I promise.”

Tikki drifts over to Jon to look him over sternly. “Take care of her.”

Jon purses his lips. “Duh. But you’re not going anywhere, though, right? Just into the Egg. You’ll be around to kick my butt if I do anything out of turn.”

Tikki giggles. “You’re right. I will. It’s just… sad. Marinette’s been my partner for many years now, and from the box I can’t always help her. I’m asking you to help her.”

“I already promised.” Jon says. “We’re in this together.”

Satisfied with that answer, Tikki nods and, with one last long look at Marinette, vanishes into the Miracle Box. Marinette carefully places the earrings inside, then checks the fastening of the bracelet around her wrist.

The air is tense, as if the very room can sense the significance of the moment. An exchange of Miraculous isn’t a small thing, especially when the ladybug Miraculous is involved. But Marinette puts a swift end to that tension with a decisive, clinical change of subject. “I don’t know about you,” She says to Jon, “but I am going to ace this semester.”

Jon chuckles. “I’m still hurting from that second semester, to be honest. But I’m with you. Can’t mess up my first semester in my new major.”

“We need to get into good habits again, like we did when we first got here.” Marinette says, standing to return to her desk and calendar. “And no more of this drama. I know this was my fault, but still.”

“Ugh, agreed.” Jon says. “We cannot do this every year. At least we figured it out in just a couple weeks this time. Not like last time.”

Marinette flinches. “Don’t remind me. That was my fault, too.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Jon says softly. “I would have done the same thing. That was just something we were inevitably going to have to deal with. I’m glad we got it out of the way so early. We’ve still got years to get everything put back together. And that’s only including college. Not to mention it would have hurt more if we’d kept the secret longer.”

“Good point.” She admits. “Still, I’m sorry I’ve caused so much trouble for you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Jon waves her off. “Water under the bridge. It probably would have been simpler if I’d gotten some random normal roommate, but I’m still glad I got you.” He nudges her playfully. “You’re my friend.”

Marinette ducks her head, feeling her cheeks warm, but she doesn’t try to fight off the smile that stretches across her face.

“No, things have just been a bit hectic lately.” Marinette says into the phone. “I haven’t been giving myself enough time to study, so I’m playing catch up.” It’s not the whole truth, obviously, but she can’t tell even those closest to her about what’s been going on with Jon without his permission. He may not be Superboy anymore, but anyone who figures him out will be able to figure out Superman’s civilian identity and that could be disastrous. Not to mention, Marinette is sure that Jon doesn’t want the attention.

“Well, your education comes first.” Penny’s voice over the speaker says firmly. “But there’s some time before we’ll need everything. We know you’re in school, so we didn’t want to put any more on you than necessary. Do you think you can do the album cover, and then we can figure out later if you’ll have time to do the tour outfits?”

Marinette thinks for a moment. “That’ll work. I’ll be working off and on, since I don’t want to sacrifice study time, so keeping track of hours will be difficult. Will the flat rate work for you?”

“That’s fine. I’ll look around for other designers for the tour as a backup plan but let us know when you can if you think you’ll be able to make them for us.”

“I should have a good idea after midterms.” Marinette answers. “I’ll let you know once I do. Same NDA?”

“As always. I’ll send it now. You still want your identity secret, I assume?”

“For now, yes.”

Penny hums softly for a moment. “You know it would help your career if you’d let Jagged rave about you.”

“I know.” Marinette says quickly. “I’m… I think the pseudonym has served its purpose. It’s getting close to time to drop it, but… not yet. Oh! But, about the NDA, I do have a roommate. If I do have time to make those outfits, I’ll have to do it in my apartment. My roommate will see, though. It’s not a big deal, he won’t tell anyone, but I still thought you should know.”

“Ah, yes, I remember you mentioned a roommate. Let’s see… you can keep the album cover hidden, and we’ll announce the album quickly once we get that from you. So, by then, the NDA is largely finished anyway. On your end, though…”

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind him knowing. As I said, I’m thinking about announcing my name anyway.”

“If you’re sure. We could rent you a studio to work on them privately.”

“There’s no need for that.” Marinette says. “Jon can keep a secret. And you already pay me enough, you don’t need to rent a studio for me, too.”

“Money isn’t an issue, Marinette.” Penny says gently. “But ultimately it’s your decision. If you’re sure.”

“I am. Besides, we’re not even sure yet that I’ll be able to take the job.”

“Of course.” Penny says. “I have to go. Let me know about your schedule. And you know we’re here for you if you need anything.”

“I know, Penny. Thank you. And thanks again for commissioning me.”

Penny chuckles. “You know you’re the only designer rock and roll enough for Jagged.”

Marinette pulls the phone from her ear and immediately checks her email. Naturally, she already has the email she’s looking for. Jagged Stone and Marinette (and Penny) have worked together enough now that this is all fairly normal. Marinette skims through the NDA, just to confirm it’s the same as always (she trusts Penny, of course, but one can never be too careful with contracts) and signs it electronically and sends it back to Penny.

Just a few minutes later, Marinette receives all the information she’ll need to make the album cover. Jagged Stone’s concept, sample files of the music, all the drier organizational stuff that, most importantly, gives her a general deadline. Jagged is generous with information, since Marinette is under NDA anyway and he’s very passionate about everything being “rock and roll” enough.

Marinette is very lucky to have met him, despite the occasional trouble he causes. Once she lets him announce that she’s his designer, there’ll be a lot more trouble, too, but it will jumpstart her career.

Marinette sighs, making sure her headphones are in before clicking through the sample sound files. While it’s true that her reasoning for hiding her identity has essentially become obsolete, that doesn’t mean she’s eager for all the buzz that will surely appear when Jagged announces the name of the designer some people are raving to know about.

When she was Ladybug, too much personal fame as Marinette could be compromising. Adrien is in the same position, of course, but he was raised in fame. He’s used to it and knows how to navigate it. When Marinette designed those glasses and that first album cover for Jagged and everyone knew about her, a girl so young designing anything for an artist like Jagged Stone, she had her own moment of fame. Not to mention everything she watches Adrien go through, or, on occasion, goes through with him. That attention frightens her, it makes her nervous, and when she gets nervous, she’s more likely to slip up.

Plus, she was only a child. She didn’t need that kind of attention at that age. Not on top of Ladybug and, later, being Adrien Agreste’s girlfriend.

But there is no more Ladybug. Marinette is just a normal, adult girl in university. If she wants to get her name out as a big designer, there’s no danger in it. The idea is appealing. After all, what designer doesn’t want their brand to be recognized? Still, old habits die hard. As appealing as it is, it also makes her nervous. Part of her wants to wait until she’s finished with university, another part is calling that part a coward.

She doesn’t need to decide quite yet, though. For now, she has an album cover to design. As always, she does the best she can. As always, she feels that doubt that she’ll live up to expectations. But also, as always, Jagged adores the final design.

Marinette sighs in relief.

She doesn’t take time away from studying to make the album cover. She works on it during breaks and between classes while she’s just hanging around the university. It’s just a drawing, too, so once she gets the design solidified, most of her time spent on it is getting it to a state where it’s presentable. It’s still a time-consuming process, but it’s something she can pick up and work on for a few minutes here and there, rather than devoting entire evenings to.

That said, once she’s finished with it and it’s sent off to Penny and Jagged, Marinette redoubles her focus on her studies. The possibility of designing for Jagged’s next tour is too great an opportunity to pass up, so she has to be organized, be ready, and blow her midterms away.

She won’t be that girl that overworks herself committing too much to others at the sacrifice of her own well-being anymore. That was Ladybug Marinette. Jon told her not to sacrifice herself, and this qualifies, too. If she’s not up to snuff on the midterms, she will turn down the commission. Jagged understands, as does Penny. There will be more opportunities. Heck, there’s the retroactive opportunity whenever he announces that she designed his last few notable outfits. But if she messes up university, that’s not so easily made up, and she’s already butchered one semester with drama.

Her priorities are in order, and for what seems like the first time in a long while she’s happy with them, so she studies. She finds her routine. Classes in the morning, with some time between them out and about for lunch or to talk to friends, then she comes home in the evening, writes down all her assignments on her whiteboard, and starts checking them off one by one.

Jon makes dinner on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, because his classes let out earlier than hers do, but her Tuesday and Thursday are less crowded than his, so she takes dinner duty then, giving him a little extra time to do homework and study as well. They eat together every evening and use the time to chat and forget about studies for an hour or two. It works for them, based on their schedules this semester. Next semester they’ll have to reorganize, but that’s just fine with them. That’s just the way things are in university.

Most days, Marinette doesn’t have much to do after dinner. Since she’s not behind on her work anymore, she gets everything done by the time dinner is ready, so she either studies if she needs to, or relaxes, plays video games, designs if she feels like it. (And if she sketches out some designs for Jagged’s tour, then that’s just less work for her to do after she aces the midterms and takes the commission.) More than a few times, she and Jon have a movie night just because they’re both feeling good about what they’re doing and want to take that small moment to celebrate themselves. Sometimes, it’s nothing so fancy as that, and they’re just watching the television and the other comes in and joins them for no reason at all.

“By the way,” Marinette says suddenly, drawing Jon’s lazy attention. “Did your friends ever get together? David and Tamias?”

Jon shakes his head with a smile on his lips. “No. They’re still pining.”

“Gross.”

“Tell me about it.”

Marinette giggles. “Honestly, that whole situation is freaky to me. It makes me have flashbacks to collège.”

“Pfft. Your friends did the same thing to you, right?”

She groans. “Yes. I had the dumbest crush on Adrien, and Alya was always trying to set us up.”

“Is the crush really that dumb if you ended up dating him?” Jon asks.

“You did not know me during the crush phase.” Marinette says. “It was really dumb. Thank god I’m older and wiser now. It does make watching grown men do the same thing a little surreal, though.”

Jon snickers. “You should tell David that. Maybe you’ll embarrass him enough to square up.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’s doing his best. I’m not going to make it harder on him.”

Jon hums. “In his defense, things tend to catch on fire around David. Once, I kid you not, he accidentally set his homework on fire from the sun going through his glasses.”

“He what? You’re joking.”

“I swear. I was there. It was stupid and hilarious, and it ruined a perfectly good opportunity for him to tell Tamias how he feels, so I kind of can’t blame him for messing it up all the time.”

“And things like that happen all the time?”

Jon nods. “Oh, yeah. It’s like he’s clumsy, but instead of tripping and dropping stuff, things catch on fire or explode. It’s kind of weird how often that happens to him. Frankly, I’m a little surprised he’s alive.”

Marinette shivers at the thought. “Keep him away from FIT, will you? We do not want a fire around all those textiles.”

“Oh, yikes. Yeah, he’s never invited to your school, ever.” Jon chuckles. “Speaking of, though, how’s midterm prep coming?”

“Good as it can, I think.” Marinette says. “You?”

He groans. “Good as it can, I suppose.”

Marinette giggles at his tone. “That’s not very reassuring.”

“Listen, I’m taking an evolution class.” Jon whines. “Like, biology. It’s hard!”

“I know. But you’re a smart man. You’ve got this.”

Jon smiles good-naturedly and fixes Marinette with a look in his eyes that tells Marinette he appreciates the sentiment more than he lets on. “I’ll do my best.” He says.

Technically speaking, Marinette should rent a studio to make Jagged’s tour outfits in. She’s essentially making a small, Jagged Stone-themed collection, after all, and her apartment is not really that big. Not to mention, she’s basically prohibited from bringing guests over for secrecy’s sake. Not that Jon and she often bring guests over. They have university friends, of course, Jon more than her, but bringing them back to the apartment is rare.

But Marinette likes her apartment. And she has Jon to remind her to eat here. She can’t really help when she gets into the zone, so having someone who will remind her to take care of herself will keep her productive longer. She still hasn’t quite mastered doing it herself.

That said, Jon is living here, too, and Marinette doesn’t want to inconvenience him too much with her project. That’s why she plans everything out. It feels good to do so. She’s usually organized these days, in fact she has always been an organized person, despite often losing control of it, so having a plan of attack on this big commission is a relief when she still needs to keep up with her studies.

She doesn’t plan to finish before summer, but Jagged doesn’t need the outfits until late summer, so she’ll have time when she gets back to Paris. That said, her friends who can’t see her except over the phone for most of the year will definitely be vying for her attention, so she wants to get as much done here in New York as possible.

So, if she gets all the bases done here, she can focus on the detail work in Paris. It means all her patterning and cutting will be here, which is, annoyingly, the most time-consuming and space-consuming parts of the project, but it also means that she’ll be in a very good position once summer starts. And if she can keep on top of her schoolwork, she should have most evenings fairly free to work on it, even if it’s only an hour or two a day. That’ll add up. She just has to be organized and dedicated.

She can do this. And the first item on the list is fabric shopping. This is also the most dangerous item on the list. Even in the same store there’s no guarantee she’ll find the same fabric again if she goes back later, but the odds of finding the right fabric an ocean away? Not likely. Marinette is sure she’ll go shopping in Paris, but she plans to gather all of the essentials here.

“Hey, Jon?” Marinette says during dinner on Friday. “I’ve got a new commission, and it’s sort of a big project. I’m going to be needing to use the apartment for it. I’ll try to keep out of your way, but it’ll probably get annoying.”

Jon tilts his head cutely. “Don’t you usually do big projects over at your school?” He asks. “I’m not complaining – it’s fine – but why’re you doing this one here?”

Marinette sighs. “Because it’s a high-profile client, and technically, no one knows I work for him.���

Jon blinks, then leans forward in his seat. “Oh? This sounds interesting.”

“It’s no big deal.” Marinette says. “I had a lucky opportunity a long time ago, and he likes my style, so he keeps hiring me. But since I was barely fifteen when all that started, and I was worried about attention outing me as Ladybug, I asked him not to announce who was designing for him.”

“Ah.” Jon nods. “That makes sense. Who’s this celebrity you work for, then?”

“Jagged Stone.”

“Jagged- woah.” Jon’s jaw drops to the floor. “You’ve been working for him since you were fifteen?”

“Mhmm.” Marinette chuckles at his awe. “Nothing as big as this, of course. I did some accessories for him, and an album cover way back when. Since then I’ve been doing the occasional outfit or artwork, but now he’s asking me to do almost all of his performance outfits for his next tour. He’s been hiring me more and more as I get older. I guess he thinks I’m ready for this now.”

Jon stares dumbfounded at her. “Have told you how cool you are? Because wow. Okay. You’re a designer for a major rock artist. No big deal, right?”

Marinette rolls her eyes at his sarcasm. “As I said, I was fifteen. Believe me, I freaked out more than enough. He’s basically my weird uncle these days, so it really isn’t that big of a deal anymore.”

“It’s Jagged Stone.” Jon protests. “Come on!”

Marinette stares him down. “Really, son of Superman?”

Jon flushes and ducks his head quickly. “Ah- right, yeah. Good point.”

“Anyway, keeping me hidden served its purpose. Not that I’m not Ladybug anymore, or a teenager, I think I’m going to tell him to go crazy. So, this will probably be the last thing I do for him that I have to be so secretive about. But I’d appreciate it all the same if you don’t go talking about it yet. Jagged hasn’t announced the tour yet, so technically speaking I’m breaking NDA just telling you about it.”

“No worries. My lips are sealed.” Jon pretends to zip up his lips and toss the key over his shoulder.

“Good.” Marinette giggles. “Will you come fabric shopping with me tomorrow? Fair warning, you’re going to be carrying my bags. There will be a lot of bags.” Marinette smirks for a moment, then tacks on, “Hopefully.”

“Sounds like fun.” Jon says. “I’m in. You know, thinking about it, this might be the first chance I’ve gotten to see your whole process. From start to finish, I mean.”

Marinette laughs. “Not quite. There’s no way I’m finishing everything before summer. Not while staying on top of class. But that’s good. You won’t see the finished product until the reveal.”

Jon pouts a little, but his smile ruins it. “Fine. Be that way. Just remember me as your pack horse when you’re famous, will you?”

Marinette snorts. “Oh, Jon. You know you’re so much more valuable than a pack horse.” She playfully boops his nose with a finger as she rises to take her dish to the sink. She laughs as Jon turns entertainingly red.

With so much work to do, the rest of the semester flies by in a flash. Marinette has some detail work to hand sew that occupies her on the plane, and then she’s desperately trying to schedule time to work on the outfits while her friends are all dragging her around Paris.

It works out. She ends up having most of the summer to work on the outfits, so there’s no real rush.

She also has time to think about her decision. Keeping Jagged Stone’s designer secret stirs up more interest because of the intrigue of it all, but luckily, it’s been a few years since all that. There’s no good reason to stay hidden, especially considering she’s now working towards her dream of being a designer in earnest, rather than split between that and Ladybug.

It’s still frightening, but Marinette doesn’t let fear control her. She’s a normal girl. A normal woman. As normal as anyone is ever normal. Her quirks just happen to include a colorful past and some magic creatures living with her rather than the more average personality quirk. That’s all. She’s going to have a peaceful life.

She still screams to keep that armor up, though. To stay hidden and safe, where scrutiny can’t directly target her. Where her work is judged for its own merits or flaws rather than because of her name. Revealing herself makes her vulnerable, and what seems like a lifetime of caution has trained her to avoid this at all costs.

It’s a good idea, though. It’s time. Marinette will make the life she wants, and that life includes getting credit for her work. Fame is unnecessary, though it will be flattering if it comes, but she refuses to let people speculate and attribute her work to someone else. And she refuses to hide.

That’s why, with shaky hands and trembling breath, she tells Jagged after he accepts the outfits that he’s free to mention her now, if he wants. She’s twenty-one now and preparing for her career after university. It’s easy to say that’s why she stayed hidden so long up until this point, and why now for revealing her. Jagged knows more than just that, but that’s what he’ll tell everyone, because the truth is long and complicated and more convoluted than even Jagged knows.

Marinette sits alone in the dark in her room when Jagged announces the tour. It starts in a few months, during Autumn, and he’ll be in New York in November. I should get tickets. Marinette thinks, investigating the location. I can go with Jon. I think that’s the week before Thanksgiving, but I should ask to be sure. Jon always goes home for Thanksgiving. The concert is scheduled for Saturday, and with his powers it should be possible either way, but Marinette doesn’t want to ask him to fly around just to catch a concert with her.

I should also make sure Penny isn’t already booking us tickets.

Promptly as ever, Jagged’s first statements about the new album and tour start coming out barely minutes after the announcement. A lot of it is just generating hype, and most of the rest is praising everyone who is working to ensure the tour is going to happen. The entire team that ordinarily doesn’t see the spotlight is highlighted one by one, and Marinette is one of the first.

Designer of the most recent album’s cover art, as well as many of the tour outfits everyone will see in just a few months. Designer of his looks at the past several big-name events. All-around wonderful little lady who has been like a niece to him for years now. Jagged really spares no compliment.

It doesn’t take long before her phone starts exploding from all the notifications. A lot of her old friends, the ones in Paris, already know about her working for Jagged Stone, but no one in New York except Jon does. So she gets congratulations from those that know, shock and awe and, in an odd case, outrage, from those that don’t, all mixing into the sea of social media notifications of all of her accounts suddenly being flooded with traffic at once.

It’s all a little overwhelming. But it’s not bad. And it’s nothing she’s wholly unfamiliar with. She has a bad feeling in her gut, because she doesn’t know every way her life will change and how it won’t because of this, but she calls Alya and stays on the phone with her for a long while until, eventually, she feels ready to take on the last of the summer.

Marinette laughs as photos of old work she’s done for Jagged resurfaces, now with her name to tag onto. She confirms the work she really has done for him, but otherwise takes the rest of the summer to try to stay off of social media. She doesn’t need to worry about that right now. Instead, she turns her mind to something rather more important. Something so obvious, that somehow slipped her mind until now.

As she wonders about Jagged’s November concert and Jon’s Thanksgiving with his family, Marinette realizes that they’ve known each other for two years and never once celebrated Christmas! Obviously, they’re both home for Christmas, so they can’t celebrate the holiday itself, but that’s no reason that they shouldn’t do anything. And now that she thinks about it, Jon’s birthday is in the second semester and they haven’t really done anything special for that, either.

With her commission for Jagged Stone done, Marinette has space for a new project lined up, as well as a lot of extra cash. She thinks it’s about time she starts thinking on her next project.

——-=——-

Tag List: @moonystars14 @pawsitivelymiraculous @magic-miraculous @vixen-uchiha @buticaaba @bigpicklebananatree @lozzybowe  @moonlightstar64 @amayakans @theatreandcomicfreak​  @toodaloo-kangaroo​ @too0bsessedformyowngood​  <3

[rachelkaser]

Stay Golden Sunday: Adult Education

Blanche is sexually harassed by one of her college professors. The other Girls try to get tickets to a Frank Sinatra concert.

Picture It...

Dorothy is on the phone, trying to get tickets to an upcoming Frank Sinatra concert. She’s almost seen him in concert multiple times and doesn’t want to miss another chance. Blanche enters, upset because she’s failed her psychology midterm. If she fails the course, she won’t get the secondary degree she needs for a promotion. Meanwhile, Dorothy is furious that the concert has already sold out. She, Rose, and Sophia discuss alternate ways of getting tickets, with Sophia promising that she’s “got connections.”

Rose tries to help Blanche study, but it’s obvious Blanche isn’t concentrating. Dorothy comes home, saying she tried ticket brokers, but the only way she’s going to get tickets is to go to a scalper, which she plans to do over Rose’s objections. Blanche tries to head out of the house to go to a bar, but the other Girls tell her to keep studying. Blanche says she’s just not getting the material. Dorothy encourages her to talk to her teacher -- she did it when she was a kid with a speech impediment, and her teacher helped her.

ROSE: Whatever happened to your teacher, Mrs. Lenoff? DOROTHY: Oh gosh, last I heard she retired from teaching, opened a bed and breakfast someplace in Wode Island...…..Rhode Island.

After one of her classes, Blanche approaches Professor Cooper and tries to talk to him about the problems she’s been having. He tells her she’s the only student who failed the midterm and she’ll need an A to even pass the class. She asks if there’s anything she can do to make it up, and he starts to imply she’ll have to do some “hard work.” She says she’ll do whatever she has to, and he gives her his home phone number, and tells her to “use it” if she wants her A while caressing her hand. Blanche picks up on his meaning and is horrified.

Dorothy comes home to Rose and Sophia, and tells them she balked during her deal with the scalper, so now she’s not sure what else to do to get tickets. Sophia thinks she shouldn’t have chickened out. Rose tries to reason that maybe they just aren’t meant to go. Dorothy, on the other hand, is determined to finally see Sinatra in concert.

ROSE: Here we are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat: A nice dish of Jell-O. SOPHIA: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, He would have filled them with helium.

Blanche comes home and tells the other Girls what happened. Rose and Dorothy are furious on her behalf (Sophia is indifferent), and encourage her to report him for sexual harassment. Blanche didn’t outright refuse him, because she’s not sure if she can pass the course, but they tell her she’ll feel terrible about herself if she gives in. They relate their own stories of sexual harassment: Dorothy was harassed by the principal at her first teaching job (while he was in a corset and high heels), and Rose was harassed by a soda jerk who arranged her sundaes in an obscene way.

Blanche visits the Dean of the school, and he’s swamped, having just started the job. He initially tries to brush her off, not wanting to deal with such a big problem as sexual harassment, but she shames him into taking a report. She describes to him what happened, and he’s aghast, but when she tells him there were no witnesses, he becomes cagey. He says he can’t do anything because it’s just Blanche’s word against Professor Cooper’s, and has the audacity to say, “A man’s career is at stake!” Blanche points out that hers is too, but Dean Tucker dismisses her from the office.

DOROTHY: *regarding Sophia’s tickets* Ma, how in the world did you get these? SOPHIA: Easy -- I called Frank. I told you I had connections. ROSE: You know Frank Sinatra?! SOPHIA: No, Frank Caravicci, from the fish market. He’s always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank. BLANCHE: Sinatra? SOPHIA: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina’s third cousin once removed. DOROTHY: Tina Tortoni? SOPHIA: Tina Sinatra!

When Blanche returns home, Rose immediately starts in with her own story -- she was listening to a contest on the radio, and managed to win tickets to the Sinatra concert. Blanche starts to tell her story, but Dorothy interrupts to say she managed to buy tickets for the concert from a scalper (after convincing the person who was going to buy them that she had three weeks to live). Just when Blanche gets their attention again, Sophia walks in and reveals she got tickets too -- prime tickets in the third row, thanks to her aforementioned connections. Blanche finally snaps and says she’s going to handle this herself and goes to study her butt off.

During her final exam, Blanche stays right up to the end. Professor Cooper not-so-subtly hints that she might have to retake the course as she hands her exam in. She tells him that’s not going to happen and he initially thinks she’s taking him up on his offer. She instead lays him out, telling him she decided to get an A on the final in part to spite him for treating her that way -- and she did. I can’t really capture how good this moment is; see it for yourself:

Later that night, the other three Girls come home to worried Blanche at 2 am. Turns out Dorothy tried to scalp their seven extra tickets to an undercover police officer. So Dorothy once again missed her chance to see Sinatra. Blanche tells the other Girls she told off her Professor, but unfortunately the promotion for which she got the degree has already been taken by a woman who got a tummy tuck and a butt lift. But, as Blanche says the line that takes us into the analysis section:

“Some day her butt will turn to mush, but I’ll always have my degree!”

Sometimes a Golden Girls Very Special Episode hits you over the head with its Very Special-ness using dramatic music or tear-jerking lines. See, for example, the episode about the break-in. Sometimes a VSE sneaks up on you, cloaking itself in gags and jokes, only to reveal a shockingly relevant message at its core. In this case, the topic is sexual harassment, and the message is that women should push back against that kind of behavior in whatever way they can. It’s a little simplistic, but it gets the job done.

ROSE: At least you’re doing well in your other two courses. BLANCHE: But those are art course. They come easier to me. I’ve always had a great appreciation for arts and... artists. SOPHIA: And carpenters and mechanics, and delivery boys.

Out of all the episodes I’ve thus far reviewed of Golden Girls, it depresses me that this one’s core concept is still so pertinent in the times we’re living. In this, the age of #MeToo, it’s more important now than ever. Everything Blanche goes through here can (and does) happen today, in almost exactly the same way it happens here. It would almost be upsetting to watch, if Blanche weren’t such a badass about the situation -- and hell, even then it’s hard to stomach parts of the episode. Hell, just look at Blanche’s expression in the image at the top of this post, when Professor Cooper gropes her hand after making her his scuzzy offer.

I mean, look at what happens to Blanche in this episode: She’s demeaned by her professor, the person who’s supposed to be helping her, and told she’ll have to sleep with him if she wants to pass the course and get the degree she wants. He even prefaces his offer with, “If you really want that degree,” which just reeks of the same kind of manipulative bullshit I and many others have heard from harassers. Then, when she tries to report him through official channels, she’s dismissed by another man who has the absolute temerity to say he can’t take her word for it because, “A man’s career is at stake!” In what’s perhaps the most progressive moment of the episode, Blanche stands up and retorts, “Well so is mine! Not to mention my dignity!”

ROSE: Look, if the tickets are that hard to get, maybe we just weren’t meant to go. DOROTHY: Maybe you weren’t, Rose. But two weeks from now, I intend to be sitting in front of Old Blue Eyes himself. Live, in-person, middle-aged spread and all. ROSE: Dorothy, you can take off a few pounds by then if you put your mind to it.

In a way, I’m glad the writers had Blanche consider the offer, however briefly. That’s the devil of it when it comes to harassment like this: One party is in power over the other, and manipulating the vulnerability that the lack of power gives them, and because of that the victim might think it’s easier or less confrontational to just go along with it. Blanche, in this case, is on the verge of failing and losing her degree and a chance at a promotion -- she even tells him this, which is unfortunate given his malicious intent -- and so he has the power to both really help and (this is the important part) really hurt her depending on how she responds. And it’s crucial that this vulnerability and the effects of this kind of manipulation be recognized, because -- and I think this needs to be stressed -- even if Blanche had agreed, she would still be a victim.

I am ridiculously proud of Blanche for choosing to get back at her professor by taking the test and keeping her nose clean. I’m pretty sure that, if he tried to ding her score so she didn’t get an A, she could file an appeal and get the test reviewed, and her professor could be then be censured if he graded her unfairly. At least, I’m assuming that’s how it works within the show’s logic, and that’s why she can tell him off without it affecting her grade. We don’t get much resolution, or see the professor get his comeuppance, but sadly that, too, is realistic. I choose to hope for the best outcome.

ROSE: My life will be ruined if this ever gets home to St. Olaf. DOROTHY: What’ll they do, Rose? Revoke your ice fishing license? Take back your helmet with the horns?

That’s not to say this episode is completely above-board with the way it handles the topic, at least not by today’s standards. Some of the ways they try to inject humor into the situation don’t feel especially natural and are even insensitive. Dorothy’s principal wearing a corset and high heels while harassing her is alright, as jokes go. Rose’s story about Nils, the soda jerk who harassed her via ice cream scoops (side note: not “attempted to” harass her, did harass her; important distinction) is very funny, but Blanche bringing it up later just to mess with her felt more than a little mean.

Also, I’m not crazy about the fact that Blanche’s storyline culminates in her losing her promotion to the unseen Sally Folgeson. I don’t want to sound like I’m reaching, but I think the implication is that the museum director promoted Sally because the tummy tuck and butt lift made her more attractive -- meaning, Sally is using her body to get ahead, the same thing the Girls encouraged Blanche not to do. I’m glad Blanche is cool with it, but it kind of punctures the message a bit, doesn’t it? Also, shame on that museum director, because YUCK. If that’s what it takes to get ahead at that museum, then I don’t think Blanche would have wanted the promotion in the first place.

Probably the most troubling part of the episode to me is that Rose and Dorothy are more helpful and attentive to Blanche when she’s neglecting her studies than they are after she’s been sexually harassed by her professor. I know that’s part of the comedy, but I’m honestly a little offended that they’re so wrapped up in a Frank Sinatra concert that they can’t even be bothered to make sure Blanche is okay after her test. And this is coming from someone who would absolutely hock an organ to go back in time and hear Sinatra live.

Speaking of the B-plot, this episode is very well-balanced, with Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia getting roughly equal screen-time while Blanche handles the A-plot. I love that they’re getting better at this, because it makes for a better episode overall when one character (usually Sophia) isn’t getting reduced down to a handful of lines. They even give Sophia an extra bit where she’s cleaning out her purse and makes a few cracks at Rose on, including the immortal line:

ROSE: Did all that stuff come out of your purse? SOPHIA: No, I was also cleaning out my ears. That’s where the Feenamint and the rain bonnet came from.

This culminates in the great scene where Blanche is trying to get a word in edgewise, only for all of her roommates to come in with their own triumphant stories about acquiring the precious tickets back-to-back. As annoyed as I am with them for not listening to Blanche, it’s an hilarious scene that brings the two plotlines together and lets everyone’s comedic talents shine through, culminating in Sophia explaining how many degrees she’s separated from the family of Frank Sinatra.

I do have a few nitpicks. First, there’s a continuity error in the first scene when Dorothy describes how she almost saw Sinatra when Stan bought her tickets: She says that in the divorce settlement, she got “the house and the kids” while Stan got the tickets. Given that Dorothy’s only been divorced from Stan for two years, her children would have been in their thirties at the time of their divorce, so Dorothy wouldn’t be getting custody of them. It’s never made clear when Dorothy moved to Florida, but I presume she had to sell the house she got in the divorce at some point in order to move in with the other Girls.

ROSE: Oh, you can’t buy from a scalper. That’s a crime! DOROTHY: Well, so is eating grapes at the supermarket, but you do that all the time. ROSE: I have to test them. DOROTHY: Rose, one is testing. Fourteen is brunch.

A little historical housekeeping, as well: Vikings didn’t actually have horned helmets and, to my knowledge, they’re not called “Longenhödden.” Though, fun fact: I went back and scoured transcripts for the show up to this point, and this is the first time we hear that Rose’s hometown is called St. Olaf. So mark this episode as the official debut of the Cradle of Idiocy itself: St. Olaf, Minnesota!

Episode rating: 🍰🍰🍰🍰 (four slices out of five)

Favorite part of the episode:

Blanche’s exasperation with Rose’s story is the best:

ROSE: I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard-- BLANCHE: No. No! NO! NO! Please, I cannot bear that again. *to Dorothy* She was listening to her car radio -- Big Band, not All Talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim bam boom, she won the tickets! DOROTHY:...take a lesson, Rose. That’s how you tell a story.

[zalrb]

Loss

OK I finished it! It’s all up in this post:

“I’m not suggesting this lightly---”

             “Well, I hope not. You’re talking about messing with our best friend’s mind.”

             Caroline gave Bonnie a dejected look from across the large living room boasted by the Salvatore Boarding House. Damon, predictably, had set up camp at the bar while Matt paced in circles and Jeremy and Tyler sat on opposite sofas next to their respective girlfriends. Noticeably absent from the gathering was Elena, who was back at the Gilbert House, Googling recent animal attacks.

             “It’s for her own good, Bon,” said Matt.

             Bonnie shook her head. “We don’t get to make that decision for her. You sound like---” Bonnie stopped herself, gritting her teeth.

             “Like me,” said Damon. “She was about to say you sound like me.” He took a sip of bourbon. “It’s the most I’ve liked you, Donovan, glad to see some balls on ya.”

             “Oh shut up, Damon,” Caroline snapped. “We invited you to this meeting as a courtesy.”

             “And because you have the biggest living room,” said Tyler.

             “Well since I am here, let me just break it down for the intellectually impaired,” said Damon, moving away from the bar to the centre of the living room. “Stefan has been MIA for seven months. My research indicates he is way, way off the deep-end, he shows no signs of slowing down and oh, that’s right, he’s the personal attack dog of a thousand year old Original psychotic vampire who thinks Elena is dead! Besides one breathy late night phone call five months ago, Elena has no leads but she’s so wrapped up in the whole I-hurt-when-he-hurts-I-breathe-when-he-breathes puppies and rainbows love story she has with my annoyingly self-sacrificing brother that she keeps looking. She’s gotta let it go.”

             Jeremy sighed. “I hate to say it but he’s right.”

             Bonnie turned sharply toward him and he raised his hands in the air. “I don’t like agreeing with him but, Bonnie, it’s your senior year. Elena’s senior year. And she didn’t even show up to registration because she hijacked Damon’s trip to Kentucky. How is she supposed to graduate, go to college if she doesn’t even show up to class?”

             “She’s obsessed,” said Matt quietly.

             “So your solution is to compel her?” said Bonnie.

             “Just compel her to stop looking for Stefan and live her life, not compel her feelings away,” said Caroline quickly. “I wouldn’t do that to her or to Stefan.”

             “So that makes it better? This is her mind. Her memories. Her emotions. When did we get so okay with messing around with people’s lives like this?”

             “Kinda late to sing that tune, isn’t it Bon-Bon?” said Damon.

             Bonnie ignored him. “Jeremy, don’t you remember how angry you were when you found out that Elena took away your memory of Vicki?”

             “I didn’t understand why she did it then but seeing her like this now…” He shook his head. “I get it.”

             “But you said that it didn’t really work, you said there was a---”

             “Hole, yeah I know. But it still helped and I owe it to Elena to help her as much as I can. She’s my sister.”

             Bonnie buried her head in her hands. Caroline stood up from the couch and walked over to her, bending in front of her, holding her wrists.

             “Bonnie,” she said gently. She waited until Bonnie raised her head to look at her. “Remember when we would talk about graduating, getting out of Mystic Falls, becoming college roommates?” Caroline smiled sadly. “Elena was going to be an English major, I was going to study journalism, you --- always helping people --- said you would study pre-law?” Bonnie bit her bottom lip. “All of us have gone through so much this past year. You and I have both died. Every other week there is someone who is trying to kill us. But we can still have that dream. We can still go to college and live our best lives but Elena needs to live hers for it to happen.” She sighed. “And Stefan would want her to, you know that. He wanted her to flourish, he wanted her to be happy. We’re doing what he would want us to do.”

              “Stefan wouldn’t want us to compel her,” said Bonnie quietly.

             Caroline pushed her mouth to the side. “Maybe sometimes the ends justify the means. But we all have to be on board. All of us agree or we don’t do it.”

             Bonnie said nothing for a long time, looking from Caroline to Jeremy to Matt to Tyler, studying their expressions, their silent pleas. Imperceptibly, she gave her head a nod. Caroline closed her eyes and exhaled, standing up.

             “OK so when should I do it?” said Damon.

             “No,” said Bonnie. “Caroline has to do it.”

             Caroline looked at Bonnie, her lips parted in shock. Bonnie stood up now too and looked Caroline square in the eye.

             “If you are so sure that this is the right thing to do then you have to be the one to do it, Care. I won’t agree to it any other way.”

             Caroline swallowed hard. “OK,” she gasped. “OK. I’ll do it,” she said a bit firmer.

 Elena picked up her mug to take another sip of coffee only to realize that she’d finished it. It had been her fourth cup and if she had one more, she would try to jump out of her own skin. 

She’d been up all night, scouring the internet for animal attacks all over the U.S., calling Sherriff Forbes for leads. It was hard to track Stefan when Jeremy and the others had made it virtually impossible for her to leave Mystic Falls to actually go where her research led.  Bonnie wasn’t strong enough to do an Isolation Spell on the entire town but she was getting close. 

There were still a few ways she could try to get out of town and today she was going to exhaust all her options.

             She didn’t blame them. Not really. Elena knew what she must look like to the people around her --- obsessed, unhinged, stuck. It was difficult to explain that she had to continue searching for Stefan because she had to find him. To stop would be to give up and to give up would mean to live a life without Stefan in it and she knew she could do that, she knew her world didn’t begin and end with him, he’d been instrumental in showing her the importance of living rather than simply existing, thriving instead of merely surviving, but a life without Stefan in it wasn’t her life, not really, not since they’d met in the school hallway. 

If she never found him, she could go on but she’d never be able to move on, any and every happy moment would be tinged with grief and that would be her life: perpetually incomplete. Like life after her parents and before him.

             There was a knock at her door and when she turned around, she saw Caroline in the entryway, Bonnie a little behind her with her arms crossed.

             “Hi,” said Caroline gently.

             “Hi,” said Elena.

             The memory of their last conversation, argument really, echoed in the silence between them.

             “I didn’t come here to fight,” said Caroline, stepping into the room. “I’m sorry about how our last … talk went. I know you think I don’t understand why you’re so intent on finding him but I do. I get it.”

             Elena nodded. “Thanks.” She looked past Caroline to Bonnie who was quietly chewing her bottom lip.

             “Hey, Bon.”  

             Bonnie smiled in response but said nothing.

             Caroline cleared her throat, taking another step into the room. “Elena, I---” She looked at the duffle bag on Elena’s bed. “Why are you packed?”

             “Going to New Orleans,” said Elena, standing up from her desk and closing her laptop. “Frequent animals attacks in odd places, abnormally high, drained blood. I booked a ticket and my flight leaves in a few hours.”

             “What about midterms?” said Bonnie. She stepped forward now.

             “I’ll just make them up when I get back, I guess,” said Elena, shrugging as she gathered all the information she collected in the past few days.

             “Elena, it’s the midterm! You can’t miss all of them.”

             “Bonnie, honestly, school is the last thing on my mind right now.”

             “Wait, how did you get this information?” said Caroline. “Damon?”

             “No, your mom,” said Elena.

             Caroline closed her eyes and sighed. “I told her to stop feeding you information.”

             “She’s helping me.” Elena opened the duffle bag and put the laptop in it. “The only one who’s helping me,” said Elena.

             “It���s false hope,” said Caroline delicately.

             Elena’s eyes flashed. “You know, Caroline, I thought you above all people would be on board with me trying to get Stefan back,” said Elena. “Stefan has been there for you when no one else has.”

             Caroline furrowed her eyebrows, hurt. “You think I don’t know that?”

             Elena shrugged. “Well you’re definitely acting like you don’t.”

             “I’m doing what Stefan would’ve wanted, Elena,” said Caroline.

             “You don’t know what he would’ve wanted.”

             “I know how much he loved you.”

 “Loves,” Elena corrected harshly.

             “Right, loves,” said Caroline, nodding. “And the way he loves you, he wouldn’t want this for you, he’d want you to move on.”

             “He wouldn’t have wanted me to give up!”

             “You are giving up, you’re giving up on your life and that’s doing everything Stefan stood against,” said Caroline. “You can’t tell me that that isn’t true.”

             “And this is how I know you don’t understand why I’m looking for him,” said Elena. “I’m not giving up on my life, Caroline, I’m trying to get it back on track! And for that I need Stefan back.”

             Elena picked up her duffle bag, passing Caroline to get to the door but felt a tug on the strap. She turned around, Caroline was holding onto the other handle, her expression sad but determined.

             “What are you doing?”

             Caroline pressed her lips together. “I love you,” she said. “You’re my best friend and I won’t let you just let you waste your life away.”

             Elena sighed, frustrated. “I’m not wasting ---” then she tilted her head, confused. “What do you mean you won’t ‘let’ me?”

             Caroline didn’t say anything but didn’t break her eye contact with Elena.  After a few seconds, realization dawned and horror struck Elena. “Caroline…” She shook her head, mouthing wordlessly. Elena appealed to a teary-eyed Bonnie. “Bonnie?”

             “I’m sorry, Elena,” she said. “But it’s for the best.”

             Elena tugged uselessly, desperately on her bag. “No, you can’t!” she yelled. “You can’t compel me to forget him!”

             “I’m not, I’m not,” Caroline assured. “Elena, I would never do that to you. But you can’t keep on like this!”

             “He’s out there, Caroline, waiting for me! He called me---”

             “You don’t even know if it was him!”

             “IT WAS HIM! And I told him to hold on, I told him hold on to how much I love him and you’re going to make me a liar if you do this to him, if you do this to me!”

             Bonnie spoke. “Elena, it was five months ago---”    

             “So what? Why does the time matter? When Jeremy died, you went to the witches to bring him back, are you telling me if it took longer than it did you would’ve given up?”  

             “Damon will find him,” said Caroline.

             “And I should be there when he does!”

             Elena let go of her duffle bag and rushed toward the door only to be blocked by Jeremy, a pained expression on his face. Her lips parted in shock.

             “I just want you to have peace of mind, Elena,” he said. “I can’t stand back and watch you watch your life pass you by.”

             She opened her mouth to argue when Matt appeared and Elena felt another wave of betrayal break over her body. “This is the best thing for you,” she said.

             Elena backed away, her eyes brimming with tears.

             “If this were me, you know you’d do the same thing,” said Jeremy softly. “Because you did. You wanted to help me. And I just want to do the same.”

             Caroline touched Elena’s shoulder, guiding her body so Elena could turn around and face her. She put her hands on either side of Elena’s head. “Look at me,” she said softly. “Look at me, it’s going to be OK. You’re going to be OK.”

             Elena sniffled as Caroline focused, her eyes dilating. “You’ve looked for Stefan for six months, you’ve put everything on hold, you’ve shaken every tree, turned over every rock, you’ve searched for him with everything you have and you’ve come up empty.”

             Caroline smiled and stroked Elena’s hair. “You can stop now, you can rest. You know Stefan would’ve wanted you to move on with your life, that he would’ve wanted you to find peace and you’re beginning to because you know you’ve done everything you could. You still love him, you will always love him, never forget him but he’s gone. And … … he might not come back. But it’s OK. You did your best and you know that he loves you just as much as you love him.”

             A tear dropped down Bonnie’s cheek. “This is wrong.”

             “She’ll never know,” said Jeremy.

             “I hope not.” Bonnie sighed. “Let’s just all hope that she forgives us if she ever does find out what we did.”

 It was the second Senior Prank Night of the year. As per tradition, the juniors got their vengeance on their upperclassmen around homecoming and the seniors retaliated before the holiday break. Elena joined Matt, Caroline, Tyler and Bonnie in sneaking into the school and did her part in crazy-stringing lockers, booby-trapping washrooms and spray-painting walls. She had no joy in it though. She knew she should, she could feel her mind urging her to have fun but all she could do was imitate the feeling for the sake of the people around her. It had been a little over a month since she’d stopped looking for Stefan and it was fine. She was fine. She’d done all she could and it was time to let it go, time to move on, she knew that and yet she couldn’t bring herself to actually feel that.  

She still called Damon every week to see if he had any leads. Most times he didn’t pick up, which angered her but she did nothing to force him to talk to her. Because she was done. She loved Stefan but she was done. She had a life to live. And she was living it. As best as she could anyway. Her nights were spent looking out her bedroom window, sometimes she’d cry and sometimes she’d just simmer in her melancholy.

She wasn’t right.

She didn’t know why, but she wasn’t right, she was sad and she was frustrated. With herself. With her friends. With life. It was inexplicable, incomprehensible. Stefan being gone hurt in a way that made sense to her --- everything got her hopes up: if she heard or felt a swish of wind, she hoped it was him speeding up to her. A creak in the house made her wonder if he was coming up the stairs. In class she wondered if he’d just show up and sit next to her, smile the way he always did before opening his notebook. And each time he didn’t show up her heart ached and she could explain that. But she did all she could to bring him back, she did her best --- and it was that. That thinking. It was like an intrusion in her mind, in her heart … it didn’t feel like it belonged to her but she didn’t feel any kind of urgency to refute the thinking, and it was maddening.  

Outside of her room, she kept up appearances, played pool in the Grill with Bonnie and Matt, Tyler and Caroline, went to the Timberwolves games, did homework sleepovers, all with a smile on her face because everyone expected her to be happy

a passing frown or an eyebrow furrow was met with intense observation from the rest of the group and they seemed collectively relieved when Elena smiled again. They wanted her to be … better. And so she was. Better. Out there anyway. But at the window, she could feel whatever she was feeling even if it didn’t really make sense to her.

             Elena spray painted unintelligible scribbles on the bathroom mirrors when Bonnie walked up to her.

             “Hey,” she said.

             “Hi,” said Elena, happily surprised.  Things had been awkward between them for a few weeks now. Like many things lately, Elena wasn’t quite sure what had happened to put a distance between her and Bonnie but for the past month it was as if Bonnie was afraid of being alone with her and even when they all hung out as a group, Bonnie barely said more than a few words to her.

             “You seem to be having fun tonight.”

             “Oh yeah,” said Elena, shaking the spray can. “This is, um, this is great.” She nodded her head reassuringly. “Having a blast.”

             “Really?” said Bonnie, tilting her head. “You’re really fine, Elena?”

             Elena furrowed her eyebrows slightly, searching her best friend’s face. 

She opened her mouth to speak when Caroline came in.

             “I swear to God it’s like I have to do everything myself. What’s the point of boobytrapping Mr. Clarkson’s office with a bucket of water balloons if you can’t even get the bucket to stay on the door until the morning?”

             She stopped when she saw Bonnie and Elena staring at each other. “OK what did I miss?”

             Elena shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. She couldn’t tell Bonnie anything anyway, it would ruin everything. “I’m just going to get more crazy string from the car.”

             “’Kay,” said Caroline. “Meet me and Bonnie in the gym.”

             “Got it.”

             She waited for Bonnie and Caroline to leave the bathroom, giving herself a moment with the reality of her feelings before walking out into the hall. She pushed open the double doors and bumped into something solid.

             “You’re supposed to be dead. What are we going to do about that?”

             “Klaus,” she gasped.

  Stefan woke up, a dull ache in his neck. He was momentarily wrongfooted, staring at the ceiling of a truck, until he remembered that Klaus and Rebekah had taken him back to Virginia. To Mystical Falls. To Elena. No. She’d stayed away. She hadn’t tried to find him. He hadn’t called her since his moment of weakness six months ago and every time Damon seemed to be closing in on their trail, she wasn’t with him. She’d moved on. There was no reason for him being back!

             “Oh, he lives,” came Rebekah’s sardonic voice.

             “What happened?” said Stefan, sitting up.

             “You took a beating,” said Rebekah, bored. “My brother’s been breaking your neck all afternoon. Quite the temper.”

             Stefan started to stand. “Why did he bring us back to Mystic Falls?”

             He can’t know. He can’t know she’s alive, he can’t. Elena had let go dammit!

             Rebekah rolled her eyes. “You can stop playing dumb now. It didn’t take him long to figure out what you’ve been hiding.”

             Stefan tried to control his panic. “I’m not hiding anything. I’ve done everything Klaus has asked me to.”

             “No, you just failed to mention that the doppelganger’s still alive.”

             The panic seized Stefan’s heart, his bones. Stefan felt himself begin to tremble with adrenaline. “Where is Klaus now?”

             “With any luck, ripping that cow’s bloody head off.”

             In an instant, Stefan rushed at Rebekah, forcing her out of the truck and slammed into the pavement. He grabbed her by the shirt. “WHERE IS SHE?”

             Rebekah smiled viciously. “You really do love her, don’t you?”

             Before Stefan could react, Rebekah sped upward and pushed him against the truck, punching him in the face. She picked up a crowbar, putting its hook behind Stefan’s neck and pulling him toward her so he could see her devious delight.

             “Consider me jealous,” she said, and she drove the crowbar through his stomach.

Elena was terrified. Confused. Her mind a whirl as Klaus clasped onto her arm and marched her through the hallways toward the gym. Where Caroline and Bonnie were. She couldn’t bear to lose them too. She tried to resist and pull away in the other direction.

             “If you’re going to kill me, just do it!”

             Klaus shook his head, laughing. “Not until I know I’m right about the hybrids. But I do have ways of making you suffer.”

They made it to the gym where Caroline and Bonnie are setting up pranks with the basketball nets. Elena’s eyes widened.

           “Caroline---”

           She couldn’t get the word ‘run’ out before Caroline took Bonnie by the hand and tried to rush toward the exit only to be stopped by Klaus.

           “Tsk tsk, now we’re not going to have any of that. Any funny business and I’ll compel you to tear the witch’s heart out of her chest, do you understand?”

           Elena shook her head frantically. “No, don’t!” she yelled.

           “I don’t believe I was talking to you,” said Klaus to Elena while staring at Caroline. He raised his eyebrows.

           “I understand,” said Caroline, through gritted teeth.

           “Excellent!”

           “Why are you even doing this?” said Elena. “They don’t have anything to do with what’s going on!”

           “On the contrary, they’re here to make sure you behave,” said Klaus. “Although I have other reinforcements to ensure such obedience.”

           “Other rein---”

And then he came in. Stefan. In the flesh. Elena saw him enter the gym and something inside of her shattered. She clutched her chest and started to cry, sinking to the floor, clutching her head as she heaved. 

He wasn’t gone. He was here. Alive. Overwhelming happiness was met with extraordinary shame. Relief clashed with guilt. She wanted to run to him, go to him, touch him and feel him being there, feel him being real, crush him against her body, bury her face in her neck and she wanted, with equal intensity, to run away in embarrassment, not embarrassment, disgrace. She didn’t know how or why but she knew in her bones that she felt like she’d failed him utterly and more than that failed herself because she hadn’t loved him the way she’d known how to, the way he’d loved her. And it was killing her.  

“This wasn’t the reunion you were hoping for, I’m sure, Stefan,” said Klaus. He regarded Elena, mildly intrigued.

Stefan’s mouth twitched as he fought the impulse to hold Elena, embrace her in a way that kept her in place, kept her together, but his expression remained impassive.

“Elena means nothing to me anymore. I don’t care what her reaction is to seeing me.”

“You’re not as good a liar as you think you are, I’m afraid,” said Klaus. “Even I find myself somewhat chilled by her response to your presence. It’s oddly … primordial.”

Bonnie looked at Elena, horrified, and then turned to Caroline. “What’s happening?” she said urgently. “Why is she acting like this?”

             Caroline shook her head.  “I don’t know, I – I made sure, I –”

             Klaus clapped his hands together and laughed delightfully. “Oh, now I understand,” he said. He looked to Caroline. “You compelled her.”

             At this, Elena’s sobs quietened even though she still gasped to breathe. She turned her shuddering body toward Caroline.          

             “W-w-hat d-do you mean?” she gulped.

             Caroline shook her head. “Elena…”

             “You’re new at it,” said Klaus. “So you don’t understand the loopholes. You have to be very specific with compulsion when it comes to erasing emotions and not just things that happen, you know. What did you say?”

             Caroline opened her mouth but didn’t answer, her eyes on Elena’s face. “I’m sorry,” she mouthed.

             “Come on, love, don’t be shy, share with the rest of the class.”

             Caroline sighed, closing her eyes.

             Bonnie spoke up. “She told Elena she knew she did her best to find Stefan and that it was time to move on.”

             The words were like a punch to the gut for Elena, winding her, putting pieces of her mind, her emotions in place while bringing forth new, fiercer, baser feelings of betrayal and anger and profound sorrow.

             “Ah you see that’s what it is,” said Klaus. “You put her at war with herself, she just doesn’t know why. I bet all this time, she’s been inexplicably sad.”

             Finally, Caroline spoke. “What do you mean?”

             “Well you should’ve simply told her that she tried her best to find Stefan but you told her she knew she did when deep down, she must’ve known that wasn’t true. You couldn’t trick her into believing something she fundamentally didn’t believe when the wording indicates it’s her responsibility to believe it.”

             Klaus looked at Stefan, marvelling at the conflict passing over his face, at the relief that the woman he loved more than life itself, the woman he believed loved him with such intense earnestness hadn’t, in fact let him go, and at the gut-wrenching regret that because she hadn’t let him go, she was in danger and would remain in danger.

“They’re quite romantic, you know,” said Klaus. I bet that the hope of finding Stefan alive was what kept Elena going all those months she searched for us. 

And you took that away from her. You’ve tortured them in a far more involved way than even I could devise, Caroline, kudos.”

“It wasn’t just Caroline, it was all of us,” said Bonnie quietly.

“All of us?” said Elena, her eyes blazing with an unfamiliar rage.

Bonnie bit her lip. “Me, Care, Jeremy, Matt, Tyler, Damon … we all had to agree, Elena, I am so sorry.”

“We didn’t mean to torture---”

             “But you did,” she whispered. “You did and look at where we are.”