#cant believe i have start thinking about my future AGAIN | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mostlysignssomeportents · 2 months ago

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Thinking the unthinkable

On SEPTEMBER 24th, I'll be speaking IN PERSON at the BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY!

Time and again, I find myself thinking about radium suppositories: specifically, I get to thinking about the day that the consensus shifted from "radium suppositories are great" to "stop putting radioisotopes up your ass."

The thing is, people really liked radium-based quack remedies. They drank radium-infused water, smeared radium cream on their faces and bodies, and yes, rammed radium suppositories up their assholes:

https://maximumfun.org/episodes/sawbones/radium-girls/

The fact that this made whatever ailed you sicker didn't deter the radium true believers: if you're getting sicker, then you must need more radium.

When I think about the debate over radium, I imagine that the people who understood that radium was really bad for you must have run up against critics who told them they were being unreasonable. "You can't tell people to stop using radium. Tell them to use suppositories with less radium. Tell them to use them less frequently. But you can't just tell people, 'stop putting radium up your asshole.' They won't take you seriously."

About 20 years ago, I started pitching various institutions that reviewed consumer tech policy on the idea that they should reject any product that had DRM. After all, DRM didn't just restrict how you used a gadget today, it provided a facility for nonconsensually, irreversibly field-updating that gadget to add new restrictions tomorrow. How could a reviewer in good conscience say, "Go ahead and buy this device if you need this feature," if they knew that at any time in the future, the gadget's maker could take that feature away and leave the buyer with no recourse?

Here's the warning I (half-seriously) suggested magazines run alongside such products:

WARNING: THIS DEVICE’S FEATURES ARE SUBJECT TO REVOCATION WITHOUT NOTICE, ACCORDING TO TERMS SET OUT IN SECRET NEGOTIATIONS. YOUR INVESTMENT IS CONTINGENT ON THE GOODWILL OF THE WORLD’S MOST PARANOID, TECHNOPHOBIC ENTERTAINMENT EXECS. THIS DEVICE AND DEVICES LIKE IT ARE TYPICALLY USED TO CHARGE YOU FOR THINGS YOU USED TO GET FOR FREE — BE SURE TO FACTOR IN THE PRICE OF BUYING ALL YOUR MEDIA OVER AND OVER AGAIN. AT NO TIME IN HISTORY HAS ANY ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY GOTTEN A SWEET DEAL LIKE THIS FROM THE ELECTRONICS PEOPLE, BUT THIS TIME THEY’RE GETTING A TOTAL WALK. HERE, PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH, IT’LL MUFFLE YOUR WHIMPERS.

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/08/playstationed/#tyler-james-hill

No one took me up on my offer. Over and over again, magazine editors, managers of nonprofit review outlets, and indie gadget reviewers told me that it was unrealistic to publish a roundup of, say, this year's portable music players with the recommendation, "Just don't buy any of these. None of them are fit for purpose."

In other words: No one wanted to publish, "The correct amount of radium to stuff up your asshole is zero."

But the correct amount of rectal radium for you to administer is "none" and the correct car for you to buy today is none of the cars:

https://foundation.mozilla.org/en/privacynotincluded/articles/its-official-cars-are-the-worst-product-category-we-have-ever-reviewed-for-privacy/

This isn't the first time the correct automotive recommendation was "don't buy any of these cars." Back before seatbelts came standard in cars, the correct car was "don't buy a car." Sometimes, the correct answer is "none of the above." Even if that makes you sound unserious, the alternative is that you counsel people to put radium up their asses in a bid to seem "reasonable."

Today, DRM-infected products are routinely downgraded and bricked:

https://www.theverge.com/2024/9/5/24236237/ftc-software-tethering-letter-consumer-reports-ifixit

Even when companies face public uproar over these disastrous decisions and vow to reverse them, they can't, because these downgrades are one way:

https://www.stereocheck.com/news/music/unfortunately-you-cant-revert-to-the-old-sonos-app-anymore/

That's bad enough when it's your smart speakers, but what about when the company bricks your wheelchair:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2022/06/when-drm-comes-your-wheelchair

Or your $100,000 exoskeleton:

https://paulickreport.com/news/people/paralyzed-jockey-michael-straight-wants-to-keep-walking-but-manufacturer-wont-repair-exoskeleton

The reality is that we're living at the end of a catastrophic experiment in deregulation and its handmaidens, corruption and regulatory capture, and there are lots of "normal" things that we just need to stop doing. Not do less of them – just stop.

Like, the correct amount of collusion between realtors representing sellers and realtors representing buyers is zero:

https://www.latimes.com/business/real-estate/story/2024-03-19/realtor-rules-just-changed-dramatically-heres-what-buyers-and-sellers-can-expect

We got that one right, but there's plenty more that we're still engaged in this pathetic, denialist bargaining over. What's the correct degree to which White House officials should cycle back into working at the industries they oversaw? Zero. How many times should such a person come back to work at the White House? Again: zero:

https://prospect.org/power/2024-09-19-next-administration-can-stop-ethics-scandals/

When the Biden admin dropped its executive order on ethics just hours after the inauguration, they trumpeted that it "went further than any other towards slowing the revolving door and limiting conflicts of interest while in office":

https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2021/01/20/executive-order-ethics-commitments-by-executive-branch-personnel/

And it did. But it was also full of loopholes, because banning these conflicts of interest altogether was viewed as politically unserious, so the correct amount of radium up the administration's asshole was set at non-zero. The result? Well, it's about what you'd expect:

https://therevolvingdoorproject.org/what-the-hell-is-anita-dunn-even-allowed-to-work-on/

Congress hasn't updated consumer privacy law since 1988, when it took the bold step of…banning video-store clerks from telling the newspapers which VHS cassettes you took home. Since then, a coalition of commercial surveillance companies and the cops and spies who treat their data-lakes as massive, off-the-books anaerobic lagoons of warrantless surveillance data has prevented the passage of any new privacy protections for Americans.

The result? Stalkers, creeps, spies (both governmental and corporate), identity thieves, spearphishers and other villainous scum are running wild, endangering every American's financial, physical and political wellbeing. The correct amount of commercial data-brokerage for America is zero:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/06/privacy-first/#but-not-just-privacy

In other words, we should order every data-broker, every tech giant, every consumer electronics company and app vendor to delete all their surveillance data. All of it. The correct amount of radium in that asshole is – as with every other orifice zero:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/07/revealed-preferences/#extinguish-v-improve

From the perspective of the radium pitchmen, the most shocking thing about the past four years has been antitrust enforcers – like Lina Khan, Rohit Chopra, and Jonathan Kanter – who refused to bargain about how much radium we needed to stick up our butts. Fearless of being branded as "unserious" and "unreasonable," they seriously, reasonably said the right amount is none, actually.

None. Which is why they're so mad at Khan and co. Which is why they're so bent on getting Kamala Harris to fire Khan – despite the fact that this would burn precious political capital in the senate. Some people just love the feeling they get from a radium suppository – especially the suppository salesmen:

https://prospect.org/politics/2024-09-19-lina-khan-doesnt-need-to-be-confirmed-again/

The paperback edition of The Lost Cause, my nationally bestselling, hopeful solarpunk novel is out this month!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/09/19/just-stop-putting-that-up-your-ass/#harm-reduction/a>

Image: Museum of the Health Sciences https://www.uab.edu/amhs/

#pluralistic #corruption #drm #privacy first #lina khan #antitrust #revolving door

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rotshi · 22 days ago

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Dark Beginnings ep 3/ Sonic Prime Spoilers . . . . . . .

Another thing thats been on my mind- saw others talking about this, and okay yeah this hurt after ep 3-

But THIS!!! MURDERED me-

How desperate he was to save him to not let this new life be taken away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO NOT HAVE HIS FUTURE BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HIM AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!! "i never knew you were a hugger" cant believe those were gonna be Sonic's last words. this sucks lmao. I absolutely loved Sonic Prime. It had it's quirks but ahhh I'm willing to give shows like these a shot and see them grow. If I'm not mistaken, I think it's what got me obsessed. I started to think.

#rot yappings #i love them sm your honor #i got two wolves inside me let shadow be happy or let him suffer i need help but this is cheaper ghgh

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itgomyway · 1 year ago

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(you)r sp and you ♡

i have already made a post about how you should love yourself and your sp will love you almost as much (bc they actually are you!) but lets go into more detail

a lot of you guys, including me, wanted to get into a relationship. and with that, youve discovered the law of assumption. the basics start off with whatever you assume will be. but after months of arguing, harassment, and bullying on twitter, you’re probably confused and too scared to ask.

FUCK THAT. let me be the one to tell you that none of it matters. you very much can and WILL manifest your sp. others false opinions (false because theyre not real) mean nothing. this isnt a loass post though im talking about non dualism (which is not the same).

“but wait… i want my sp and non dualism isnt about getting so why would i-“ because your sp shouldnt be someone that brings you happiness. they should be someone who adds to your quality of life. why does that sound like loass vs non dualism? because it is.

people use the law of assumption to manifest desires for their physical world. theres nothing wrong with that! that is how i manifested my current relationship. however, when we speak about non dualism, it goes beyond trying to get anything. youre just being. and “getting” into a relationship can very much help or make your false sense of self feel better. you as consciousness know relationships themselves dont exist because it is you but your ego, the false sense of self doesnt know that. it wants to experience love as part of the human condition. but youre still not getting anything. lemme explain.

you were trying to “get” something that was never outside of you TO make you happy. that doesnt make sense when not only are they you, but they are apart of you. everything your awareness is on “reflects” how you feel about yourself because all there is is you.

lets go back to non dualism’s basics. everything is consciousness = you creation is brought on by your awareness = you. “but back when x happened-“ the past and the future do not exist. the only thing that exist is now. you cant ��apply” this way of thinking to something that doesnt exist. that makes no sense. youre just going to confuse yourself. i am telling you RIGHT NOW the only truly real thing is YOU. that is all there is and will ever be. you can control your awareness through observations meaning youre in total control. read that again.

so when it comes to your sp, romantic or not, they are never not yours. they were never not you or not a part of you. every thought, feeling, affirmation, or word you wrote down, they have received. because its you. think about it. are you ever aware of anything youre unaware of? (no). because things only exist the moment youre aware of them!

and remember, if something can come to our awareness like a relationship and leave our awareness it is not real. but you, as consciousness are infinite and are always here and always consciousness. so you are real!

after discovering non dualism i have thought about the feelings my boyfriend has presented to me and how they currently match the feelings i have for myself. i have always loved myself and will always love myself. if i didnt, how could i expect my creation, which is a projection of my own self image, to have different feelings than me? your sp isnt a separate person. Your relationships will always show how you feel about yourself, romantic or platonic. they’re not real because they come and go through your awareness but your ego as the false self believes they are. and thats okay. thats its job. let it be and observe them as consciousness.

nothing can happen outside of your awareness because the moment you are aware/conscious of something, it exist instantly. so if your sp is treating you the way you dont want to be treated then reflect on your own feelings about yourself. this DOES NOT necessarily mean work on your self concept. ask yourself if “you” think youre worthy of what it is your ego desires. a lot of my blockage came from that. i had to fall in love with myself so my ego could comprehend how i could be loved. because its still me.

lets talk about “free will”.

“free will” doesn’t exist. lemme tell you why. the idea of free will is a person outside of you having a say in their own life. the basic principle of non dualism means theres only one being, consciousness (you). so tell me how can “another person” “outside” of you have a say in their “own lives” when none of that exist in the first place?

your sp having or not having free will shouldn’t effect how you feel about them unless you see them as a separate entity outside of you. they’re not an “object” you control theyre your creation and another form of consciousness so of course you have control over your creations you have control over EVERYTHING.

your sp feels the same way you feel about yourself. always. if you dont feel good about yourself then i do suggest working on your self concept. not to “get” anything but for YOURSELF! why not love yourself? why cart that responsibility off to your creation?

at the end of the day, itll just be you surrounded by your creations. you can pick and choose what they are specifically BUT THE ONLY REAL THING IS YOU

#consciousness #nondualism #nonduality #awareness #sp

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sigyns-drafts · 8 months ago

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Hi, Thea. Thanks again for responding to my request! When I saw Nostradamus in Ror, it seemed to me that he probably likes love predictions… May I ask for a scenario in which Nostradamus makes a prediction to the fem reader about who her lover will be? (with Buddha, Hermes, Loki, Beelzebub).

A/N: Of course, how could i not!! I totally agree, Nostradamus would so enjoy helping others find potential love. Something he too deserves sometimes hehe!! <33

Nostradamus's love predictions 💕

➩ Y/N after hearing words of Nostradamus's talent in predicting ones future love life, becomes curious and decided to pay him a visit! There she learns of the gods she could end up with and even, how many children they would get. But of course not without its secrets that even Nostradumus cant tell.

Reader type: Fem!reader with Nostradamus, Buddha, Hermes, Loki and Beelzebub.

⚠: Love predictions, future possible outcomes, future relationships, future children, Intersex child, Keeping secrets from partner, secrets in general!

Where gods and humans collide in epic battles to determine the fate of humanity, there exists a young woman named Y/N.

She was an ordinary human, yet her destiny was intertwined with the most extraordinary beings in existence.

Little did she know that her life would be forever changed by a prophecy foretold by none other than the legendary prophet of the century, Nostradamus.

One fateful day, Y/N found herself seeking guidance from the most obnoxious man in all of human history, hoping to unravel the mysteries of her future.

As she stood before the smaller man, his eyes glowed with an otherworldly light, and he spoke in an excited, soft yet mysterious tone.

“Why hello Y/N, it's certainly good to see you! Say, what brings you here today~?”

"Nostradamus, please tell me of my future, I've grown curious after hearing what you're capable of!" Y/N implored, her heart pounding with anticipation.

She couldn't believe she was really going through with this!

Nostradamus's eyes widened at how direct the woman had been, eventually calming himself and nodded, his gaze piercing right through the woman.

Sending shivers up her spine, the man would just smile in response.

“Oh dear! Very well then, let us get into it already shall we, what will it be?”

“A love prediction please! Who will I end up with or fall in love with..?”

With a wave of his hand, he conjured images of four powerful beings before them.

Buddha, Hermes, Loki, and Beelzebub.

"You are destined to find love amidst chaos and turmoil," Nostradamus intoned, his voice echoing in the chamber they stood in, spacey but so empty.

"Four potential lovers shall cross your path, each offering a different path of destiny. Now isn't that interesting~"

Y/N's breath caught in her throat as she listened intently to the prophecy that would shape her future.

She looks upon the chosen gods, she had met them before..

"First, there is Buddha, the embodiment of serenity and enlightenment.."

Nostradamus smirked to himself and looked at Y/N, his eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Would you also like to know the offspring count you'll have with them too~?”

Y/N tensed up and found herself almost speechless at this, who did this guy think he was!

Y/n felt herself start to get all flustered. Her face probably looks like a tomato ready to be plucked.

“Excuse me-! What kind of question is that!?”

Nostradamus lifts up his hand in defence, acting like he didn't know what he had done wrong!

“Hey! I'm simply just asking..So what will it be?”

Y/n thought about it for a moment, glaring at Nostradamus.

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to see, after all the curiosity in who she would eventually get with was already eating her up inside!

“Fine! Tell me that too I suppose..ugh.”

Nostradamus chuckled to himself seeing Y/N’s expression and continued.

"With him, you shall bear him a son and find peace and spiritual awakening, but your path will be one of sacrifice."

Y/N imagined herself walking alongside the serene figure of Buddha, a little boy on her hip and finding solace in his wisdom and compassion.

Yet, she knew that such a path would demand great sacrifices, testing her resolve and strength.

"Next, there is Hermes, the messenger of the gods," Nostradamus continued, his voice taking on a mysterious tone.

"With him, you shall bear 6 sons and 2 daughters, one child being that of both sexses.

"You'll embark on a journey of adventure and discovery, but beware, for his path is fraught with danger and unpredictability.."

Y/N envisioned herself at Hermes' side with their many children and the possible struggles, aiding him in serving the gods and his father Zeus.

Exploring whatever secrets he was obviously hiding and being a part of it all.

The thought thrilled her adventurous spirit, yet she also felt a twinge of apprehension at the unknown dangers that lay ahead.

"Then, there is Loki, the trickster god," Nostradamus said, his eyes gleaming with mischief. He seemed familiar with the god.

"With him, you shall experience passion and excitement, but be wary, for his love is as unpredictable as the shifting winds.."

“What about the children we could have?”

“Well.. Let's just say you'll have 2 for now”

Y/N shivered at the thought of what Nostradamus could be hiding, what did he mean but for now?

Y/N also thought about entangling herself with the enigmatic god, knowing all too well the chaos and mischief that followed in his wake.

Yet, she couldn't deny the allure of his magnetic charm and mischievous grin. Maybe it would be worth it?

"Finally, there is Beelzebub, the prince of darkness," Nostradamus concluded, his voice heavy with foreboding.

"With him, you'll have a daughter and you'll be aiding him at the ward with his..patients. But beware, for his love comes at a great cost and he will be hiding something from you.."

Y/N recoiled at the thought of being ensnared by the dark allure of Beelzebub, knowing the perilous path that awaited her should she succumb to his temptations.

Yet, she couldn't deny the forbidden thrill that stirred within her at the thought of embracing the darkness surrounding him.

As the visions faded and Nostradamus' prophecy came to an end, Y/N nodded and bowed respectfully.

“Thank you for your assistance Nostradamus! I'm grateful for the information, I'll use it wisely..”

“You better Y/n, ta-ta~!”

With that Y/n left with a choice that would shape the course of her destiny.

Would she choose the path of serenity with Buddha, the path of adventure with Hermes, the path of passion with Loki, or the path of darkness with Beelzebub?

With her heart torn between love and destiny, Y/N knew that her choice would not only determine her own fate but the fate of her love interests and future children as well.

And so, with a heavy heart and a determined spirit, she set out on her journey, ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead!

#writing #record of ragnarok #shuumatsu no valkyrie #reader x canon #nostradamus #fem reader #ror buddha #snv buddha #ror hermes #snv hermes #ror loki #snv loki #ror beelzebub #snv beelzebub #future predictions #future children #secrets #up for interpretation #intersex

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carpedzem · 8 months ago

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under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

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weirdozjunkary · 8 months ago

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I don’t normally like to vent about myself or my life. But everything just feels like it’s spiralling for me and I just don’t know what to do. This is probably as personal as I’ll ever get on here haha.

I might eventually delete this. But I don’t know..

CW: personal life, SH and Sui talk

Right now my country Canada is entering late stage capitalism, as well as the US. It sucks, yes. But I figured that by the time I’m out on my own and I’m able to fend for myself, that most of this would blow over and I will be fine. But now it’s getting hard to think about stuff like that.

I believe I have undiagnosed autism and currently undiagnosed ADHD (was diagnosed as a child), which makes a lot of things hard for me. I’ve been wanting to get a diagnosis to help myself for the future. But I’ve been constantly told not to, as doing so would make people think less of me. And I hate that people have that mindset, even if it is true.

Something that is worse is that I can’t pay for anything. I can’t pay off my loans because it’s too high. I don’t even have a job to pay them off, I can’t even get a job because of my autism and because the job market is fucked. I’m moving to a whole other country really soon that I know nothing about so there’s no point in me even doing my schooling here anymore, the only reason I’m still going is because my dad wants me to. And if I don’t pay off my loans, my credit will be put in the “risk” category, credit mind you that I don’t have because I don’t have a credit card.

I cant even speak the language to the place I’m moving too, so I don’t know if I would even be able to get a job there other than just a cleaning person. And even if I come back here to Canada if I do my schooling there, I don’t know if I would be able to get a house because the housing market is absolutely terrible here.

If I stay here in Canada I have basically no one to fall back on if things turn to the absolute worse for me, and it really feels like life wants that to happen to me. I wasn’t really told much about life stuff as a kid, so now it’s biting me in the ass and I’m paying for it. I know I’m still stable at the moment, I have a house and food and water. But every day I hear more and more worse things.

I used to live out of spite, but now that spite is starting to fade on me. I can’t lie and say that I have thought the worst about myself, what I want to do to myself. I’m terrified of death, but sometimes it seems like the more favourable option. People always say to stay in the present, that’s what matters. It’s hard to stay in the present when the future keeps looking bleaker and bleaker.

I try to stay positive, that I will be okay in the end. I want to believe that I’ll be okay. But it’s getting harder and harder to see that

Everything feels like its burning around me and I don’t know what to do. It feels like it’s all my fault. That I’m just gonna die homeless and alone.

I’m sorry that this is so much more negative compared to what I normally post. Everything just feels so terrible and I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I’m a young adult and yet I’m so worried about everything that it would all crash around me. Every time I feel even remotely stable, it feels as though life just kicks the rug under my feet and fucks everything up for me.

I want to feel okay again. But I don’t know if I ever will be.

#text post #ranta #personal life #vent #CW: self harm talk #cw: sui mention #I know I’m mostly feeling like this cause I’m hungry and it’s past 9 rn #but still I feel like absolute shit

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lunart-06 · 1 year ago

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My Makoto Naegi angst analisis thing (Hc)

(PLEASE KEEP IN NOTE): That this is just my general idea of him, kinda scared to share this cause qjdnnejf I know everyone has different opinions on Makoto so I'm just posting this in my own prespective of him. (It's a little messy cause I am unstable and disorganized when I write this so beware ooo)

Here's the art I made for this

So like, I believe Makoto has issues I think we all established that, and the moment when komaru mentioned of how he changes a lot in UDG (but still hold some same aspects of traits and habits that just makes him.... him) after managed to contact him the first time. It strucks me so bad that it gaves me a migrane /vpos

Like, Makoto earned his new title of the ultimate Hope (with the capital H and everything) just by defeating Junko the ultimate despair? By that point he was seen by the world as the savior and as the first and only hope they have thought lost for YEARS

Makoto's ability to move everyone by just words to which he probably didn't even realised the power he held over it. He's just incredibly passionate and its because his whole body speaks GENUINE emotions, his stubborn willpower and determination undeterred by despair and everything Junko herself has set up for.

It is something not everyone has the luxury to have. His optimism. But that's the thing.

Makoto was the ultimate Hope, only because he was just optimistic in nature. It was the flock of the moment during the last trial, his contagious optimism is what everyone, his friends, the world, preceives as Hope. The enlighting feeling of inspiration by just words of support and motivations for the first time since years after the tragedy started.

But again. Thats the thing. The "Hope" they admire, they clung onto, they worshipped, and they DIE for, was his mere optimistic nature. Just like he said himself "Optimism is all I'm best at".

Its cause well, it's true. (Kinda)

All he was ever good at in his view was just being that. When I rewatched future arc I sense how unBEARABLY useless he is without that title and usual positive nature, and his words don't reach the leaders of future foundation from attempting to kill one another (aside from certain ones, and at the very end ofc, but even then it was too late to prevent the deaths). His words doesnt even managed to reach Ryota from preventing him in using the Hope brainwash video.

It just further shows how.... normal he is

Despite the title, it just shows that he is nothing but a normal guy. He's not some god everyone preceives him to be, he's just some dude that was placed in a wrong time and place.

It's like all the good he is being- well, normal. Like typical "good kid". Somehow it kinda hurts to think about it, like you're obligated to see all positive in lives for it as everyone depends on you for such.

And now the whole world was in the palm of his hands.

I feel like he's scared, despite his strong stand and brave, determined face, he is a normal, ordinary guy that scared to lose what he was ever good and seen by everyone as. Being optimistic and hopeful.

Its like he's not allowed to even be sad for a moment to cry his hearts out. Because the world depends on him, his friends depends on him, he rely on them too much, he cant lose hope cause if he does, the world will fall apart AGAIN, and people will die AGAIN (just like his classmates, just like the people who died for him) he doesnt think he can handle that the second time.

Since that one thing Makoto despises the most is violence. Death to be exact.

He was probably exhausted but he cant yet, he has to keep moving forward, for the world's sake, his friends' sake, his only remaining family; his sister's sake, and for the sake of those who had died so he can carry out their hope that was left behind.

Theres also this quote that remind me of him:

"I'm scared that the moment I look like I'm suffering. Noone will believe me anymore"

Because like. He really cant do things as much without his friends. All he has was his hope; his positivity, determination, and optimistic nature. So he stood tall, facing despair, putting up a strong look just so people of the world, and his friends know, that they all can trust him. To have faith in him.

Because being optimistic is all he's best at.

That hope he has held dearly was destroying him internally. Scary thing is it? Despair isnt what was breaking him. It was the very thing that he was good at. And the very thing everyone thought of when they see him.

Just like junko when you think about it. She- ultimate despair, destroyed herself by the very thing she is (basically executed herself in the last trial) and now makoto was doing the same thing.

"The world's hope", "the strongest who never falters at the face of despair", "the savior", "their guiding light"

How much longer should he keep that up? Before everyone realised that he's nothing but just an ordinary, plain, boring guy?

How much longer should he fall before allowing himself to hit the ground?

A sprout who never truly managed to grow old, it's choose to shelter other by it's leaves, holding still, unmoving.

Yet its roots slowly rotten by parasites and disease, trying to keep the earth together. They can't die now, they're the protector, the hope of it all. <-(quote by one of my friend Ele, which I think is neat in itself, considering Naegi's name means sappling or seedling in general ajdhwjdj)

He may have survived the first killing game that birth his title as the Ultimate Hope,

He may have survived the second killing game in the Neo world program that shows us how devastated it must be for Makoto that Nagito would go that far for the sake of hope, how Makoto's words and hope does not reach the remaining survivor,

He may survived the third killing game in the Future Foundation where it must be devastating that he's unable to understand the victims fully from preventing them to try and kill eachother off ("don't try pretending you understand them, you don't understand them at all" kinda feel), where he watched as Kyoko died for his hope, not telling him THAT she will die, letting him live because not only that he was the closest friend she ever has, but knowing her; she thinks that the world still need the ultimate hope, and because of that, she was ready to accept her fate for it, because she was assured that Makoto is strong enough to move forward even when it's hard, because she has faith in him. Because she believes that Makoto will never give up Hope.

Eventhough he had survive countless scenarios where he could die anytime of those. I feel like eventhough he had survived multiple times.. he had died, multiple times as well, to become who he is now (multiple rebirth symbolism). To the point where he is unrecognizable in his own eyes, the feeling of the old him far out of reach, who is he now?

Things are so simple to him back then, why does things don't make sense to him about himself now?

He may never feel lonely outside, because he believes that his friends will always have his back, he believes that there will always be someone that could give him a hand.

But here, in his own mind, in his own exhaustion, in his own struggle, in his own confusion, he is completely all alone. This one is his alone to go through, his friends has too much on their plate already to handle this, he relied on them too much already.. (in a way, perhaps, he try to rely on others less).

Theres soooo many I wanna say about him but this is the general idea of my view on him, or er, version ig? His accidental savior complex that is.

And don't make me start of his self-sacrificial tendency. /lh

#danganronpa #makoto naegi #lunardr thoughts #danganronpa 3 #danganronpa 3: the end of hope's peak high school #also to note how despite his attempt to assure strongly of their escape and protection to Sayaka #it's still wasn't enough to stop her from drowning in her own desperation #its almost like she doesn't believe in him at all #butterfly effect as what my friend said /lh

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lestappenwdc · 6 months ago

Text

Miami unserious race overview

Hello and welcome back. We have another interesting race behind us. My thought on each team and driver under the cut as always.

1. Red Bull

I cant believe I'm saying this but Max lost on lack of pace. This is both good news and bad news to me. Good news because the Red Bull is within reach to the rest of the grid and we might get a possible lestappen fight in the future and bad news because my Maxie lost 😭. But it's OK he's gonna win the next one (if Charles let's him he he)

And it looks like red bull got the setup wrong for this race (they applied for a change that was not approved under Parc Ferme) so I'm not too scared. And by the looks of it neither was Max.

At one point Perez had such a bad pace I was like WHAT is wrong with the Red Bull??? It's insane. I'm starting to like Checo again so I don't want him to flop too hard. But alas.. it's Checo. But please please for the love of good be good enough to keep Daniel in the midfield. 🙏

2. Ferrari

Charles was amazing once again all weekend. That's my perfect driver. He did everything right except for that spin but he controlled amazing there too. I just love him so much ok? OK. And he didn't seem too dissapointed with his pace compared to McLaren either maybe because they could keep up with them on similar tyre life's without upgrades. So those coking upgrades must be good if he is this nonchalant to losing to Lando. Like I said, both Charles and Max seemed pretty unaffected but maybe that was just them in the moment being happy for their friend. No way to tell.

Anti Carlos rant and thoughts on the rest of the grid below the cut

Carlos was horrible. Honestly just all in all a really bad performance from him. Please let us start acknowledging this. First he could not pass Daniel in the sprint, then in the race the first thing he does again is attack Charles instead of defend against Perez. Which lead to Perez barging in and almost taking both of them out. He was extremely lucky that didnt happen. Then he kept whining on the radio about how he is faster (he was 0.029 faster for god's sake). And one point when he lost the DRS he wanted a switch which was exactly when he saw he was losing pace and he needed something to happen for him to be in front. Then I don't even want to talk about the fight with Piastri. That was just embarrassing, both from a on track battle perspective and a horrible whiny human being perspective. No skill no personality nothing. I honestly don't remember him being in a battle with someone and not making contact in recent races. And then this same person goes and blames everyone but himself. And not only that, he's saying he had the win???? Honey, Lando would have passed you in half a lap if you hadn't pitted, what are you on about? What win? I wish to be this delusional one day.

Carlos rant over moving on to the man of the hour:

3. McLaren

Lando finally got the win! Yay. Kinda a lot of mixed feelings about this one. I don't want Lando to do good but I am happy that a man who has worked his entire life and has faced disappointment after disappointment is getting to have this moment. And I believe in good karma and positive attitude so I will not be a bitter hater on this one. Congrats Lando and Lando fans. And I am counting this as a win, the safety car helped him but he is not the first nor last to be helped this way, however he drove beautifully after that and deserved the place. Max and Charles fell behind on pace significantly and very fast (albeit Charles was on significantly older tyres).

I am so sorry for Oscar. He used the situation at the start then was really fast and kept both ferraris at bay for too long. All that without the full upgrade package. Really really good performance. He was my driver of the day. Not to mention he had the hardest job yesterday - having to deal with Carlos. Imagine if ferrari didn't decide to pit him first.. I cant even think about it honestly I might go crazy. Can't wait to see what he can do with all the upgrades in Imola.

4. Mercedes

They were fighting Haas all weekend. Toto should stop yapping about Max and resign once and for all.

5. RB

I think RB only have one working car but are not telling anyone. One race Daniel suddenly remembers how to drive the next one its Yuki. They switch the one working car they have each race and no k e can convince me otherwise. (Real talk tho Daniel being p20 3 hours after he got p4 in the sprint is extremely hilarious)

6. Aston Martin

They were racing? The only time I saw Strolls name was when he drove into Lando in the sprint (not his fault this time). I honestly have nothing else to say..

7. Haas

MY NEW FAVORITE TEAM!!!! They are so funny but they are gaining points from it. They provide entertainment on and off track AND they are climbing up the standings. How fucking amazing. Kevin Magnussen you beast. You my man represent what f1 should be about - unhinged chaos. He came he collected 1 minute worth of penalties he finished last. But did we have fun? We sure did. Did Lando win? He fucking won. Did Logan DNF? Unfortunately there has to be a victim here. And he has 2 penalty points left to spare before Ollie makes a comeback and with this track record I think we are about to see Ollie in Monaco. Kevin the fairy godmother of f1. Giving everyone what they want in the most entertaining way possible. Did I mentioned how much I love him? Yeah I do!

8. Alpine

Alpine got a point!!!! Another sentence I didn't think I'd be writing this soon. Good for them. I don't know if it is still only Esteban with the upgrades but it seems like it. Either way this is promising and I'm happy for them. They did that for Travis btw. If you even care.

9. Williams

I feel so sorry for Logan. I feel like I say that way too often but it's the truth this season. Poor guy. The latest victim of the Magnussen tornado. Who Will it get next week? My guess is Perez.

10. Sauber

Idk if anyone noticed but Zhou made it an insane amount if laps on a soft tyre. The last time j checked was 5 6 laps to the end and he was on lap 23 on softs. That's impressive. He probably didn't want to risk losing 50 seconds In the pits again poor guy. Other than that they need to do better. Good job to Zhou tho.

This was my lo gest overview to date I think but im happy with this race and how everything went.

#here you go hope you enjoy #i rant a lot #theres a lot #of #anti carlos sainz #as there always is #f1 #f1 miami #miami race overview #also this has a lot of gramatical erros excuse them please

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crystallizsch · 7 months ago

Note

Hello Ian! ♡

I'm so glad you liked the first Jamiyuu fic I wrote! Here is the fic we discussed based on your glomas drawings!

I hope you enjoy! ♡

No matter the crowd, no matter the room, Jamil and Yuusha are always able to find each other somehow.

A masquerade where masks are adorn, identities meant to be concealed. Yet, here they were again, their eyes locking from across the room.

The ballroom was filled with people, some dancing while others mingled. Jamil stood near some of the others, looking around and taking in the sights. The room was extravagant, from the architecture, to the decor, to the outfits of those in attendance. His gaze lingered on the dance floor for a moment, watching couples as they twirled around. They looked to be in their own world, laughing and enjoying the company of their partner as they danced. The sight made Jamil's thoughts stray for a moment, imagining himself out there, dancing with Yuusha.

He shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind, his eyes leaving the dance floor. As he looked away he locked eyes with someone across the room, the very person that wouldn't leave his thoughts. It was just like at Night Raven, during one of Kalim's parties or in the halls, his eyes never failing to find Yuusha's. Just what was it about her, that he couldn't look away? Just what was it about her, that caused him to stare?

At first it wasn't anything nice, he had plans after all, goals that he needed to achieve. He had to keep an eye out, had to watch out for her, as he couldn't let anything, or anyone, interfere. Yet, as his plans crumbled before him, he found himself still looking, still watching, unable to look away. They had grown closer since then, closer than Jamil could have imagined.

He found himself smiling, his eyes still locked with Yuusha's as she smiled back. They've truly come far from how they started, Jamil closing his eyes as he turned away. As he was debating leaving, he heard someone approach him, a familiar voice behind him,

"Where do you think you're going?"

He turns to find Yuusha standing before him, her hand held out towards him,

"I believe you owe me a dance"

He looks at her, at her outstretched hand, and considers it. Here, they weren't Yuusha and Jamil. Here, they were strangers, their masks making their identities. As he takes her hand and they make their way to the dance floor, he pretends. He pretends that they met under better circumstances, holding her close. He pretends that she was his, as they twirl by other couples. He hopes this won't be their last dance, pretending the masquerade didn't have to end.

Oh, to dance with you, forever and always

No matter where or when, my hand will always reach out for you

My first dance, my last dance, the only dance I crave

Let my love move you, with the words I dare not say ♡

Thank you! ♡

HELP I AM SOBBINGG --

I’M JUST GIGGLING KICKING MY FEET EVERY TIME I REREAD THIS IM HNDBAJSHS THANK YOU

I REALLY LOVE YOUR TAKE ON MY GLOMAS POST IM NOT NORMAL ABOUT THIS --

my glomas brainrot hngghh and dancing is one of yuusha and jamil's love languages so i'm just ,,,, aaghhhh save me

BUT ANYWAYS IM GONNA RAMBLE A BIT -- (also i love the whole thing i just want to point out the things that im most crazy about hdshsj)

Just what was it about her, that he couldn't look away? Just what was it about her, that caused him to stare? At first it wasn't anything nice, he had plans after all, goals that he needed to achieve. He had to keep an eye out, had to watch out for her, as he couldn't let anything, or anyone, interfere. Yet, as his plans crumbled before him, he found himself still looking, still watching, unable to look away.

ur honor ;;; his plans are being foiled by this woman how is jamil going to save himself from this (he cannot)

AKHDJSKSJ OKAY SO

i’ve been crazy about the idea with jamil being having future plans for him and himself only and then suddenly he finds someone that he actually genuinely likes that he cant imagine those plans without them???

ugh good food good food i’m so happy this was here it is SO cute 😭💕

Here, they weren't Yuusha and Jamil. Here, they were strangers, their masks making their identities. As he takes her hand and they make their way to the dance floor, he pretends. He pretends that they met under better circumstances, holding her close. He pretends that she was his, as they twirl by other couples. He hopes this won't be their last dance, pretending the masquerade didn't have to end.

AUGHHH MY HEARTTT

jamil sir all you do is pretend it is time to let your true colors (and feelings) fly

i love that he is thinking about the what ifs and also how he is hoping he continues to spend time with her knowing it’s not gonna be possible

AND ALSO the line “they weren’t Yuusha and Jamil” and the following one -

i am goin insane about it i don’t know how to put it all properly into words but im gonna try --

like YEAH despite the masks, despite knowing who each other is underneath it, they don’t truly know each other, but it doesn’t matter because right now it’s just this dance, nothing else, and only each other 🥺🥺🥺

Oh, to dance with you, forever and always No matter where or when, my hand will always reach out for you My first dance, my last dance, the only dance I crave Let my love move you, with the words I dare not say ♡

AND THIS LAST PART ^^^^^^ I’M OBSESSED THAT YOU ENDED IT WITH THIS IT’S SO ADORABLE AND SO FLUFFY

my thoughts on this too is basically the last thing that i said about only being them in their own world basically especially with the last line ,,, oughh i’m just sobbinf --

AAHHHH ANYWAYS I ATE SO WELL WITH THESE SHEEP YOU HAVE NO IDEA THANK YOU

AND I COULDNT HELP IT BUT I DREW FOR THEM AGAIN AHHH

(ack the masks kind of hid their expressions so i didnt put it on them and i realized that’s kind of against the point but im stubborn and i NEED to show their expressions)

(also this hamilton lyric fits the vibe of this but omg this musical needs to leave me aloneeeee)

#sheep you write so FAST #this was immediately done after the one from yesterday it just took me forever again to respond ghdjskfdsj #on top of the drawings i was just editing again and again to make sure i've got all my thoughts out -#just me being absolutely (not) normal about this #which is why it took me a while --#anyways i LOVE this thank you again sheep 🥺💕💕💕#[—✦ chatting #-✧ lovely writing #-✧ my art #glorious masquerade #jamil viper #(💜) yuusha #(💜) curry noodles #-✦—]

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kalofi · 1 year ago

Text

zl fic idea

hii everyone i wrote something yesterday about an au idea i had for zolu and. i thought i'd share it here since its a bit too messy and disjointed in places to post on like. ao3 or something.

4.7k words, warning for temporary major character death but do not worry all will be fixed in due time. i'll put the rest under the cut

ok i have an idea for an au thats like kind of reincarnation but like reality displacement but like. okay just listen.

so we start at laughtale. its a couple years into the future from where we are in canon the strawhats are achieving their dreams luffy is about to find the one piece theres a big battle happening between them and the blackbeard pirates and whoever the fuck else is there idc. the rest of the strawhats are fighting the bb crew while luffy and zoro head off to find the one piece and also end up fighting black beard himself. luffy and zoro atp r like basically a thing but they never talk about it cuz theyre luffy and zoro and they kind of just exist with each other but like. theyre basically in love and everyone knows it. anyway they go off together luffy has the one piece almost in his grasp blackbeard attacks they fight its a big battle blood is shed bones are broken uumm in my mind luffy and zoro are like teaming up against bb bc his devil fruit is lowk broken and op and like ok theres gear5 too but i didnt rly consider that so lets just assume bb’s devil fruit can negate gear5 somehow or luffy exhausts it before bb is fully defeated.

finally theyre able to knock bb down and hes out and theyre both tired and worn but they DID IT and the one piece is luffys and theyre facing each other grinning ear to ear and zoros saying “you ready, king of the pirates?” and luffy laughs and goes “not just yet zoro, i still gotta-“ and then theres a spear piercing right through his chest. and in the next moment its gone.

theres a gaping hole through his captain and theres blood, theres so much blood and luffy’s still smiling like he hasnt realized it yet, like it hasnt even registered. zoros ears are ringing and he doesnt know what to make of whats hes seeing because its just not real, it CANT be.

he looks over luffy’s shoulder and blackbeard is on the ground with his hand outstretched , black energy coiling back into his form and he’s laughing and laughing with bloodstained teeth. hes fucking laughing. one moment zoro is still standing parallel to luffy and the next hes in front of blackbeard and the mans head is rolling through the dirt and gravel, wado dripping crimson, a terrible gap toothed grin still stretching the man’s cheeks.

zoro is breathing heavy, hes trembling and hes almost mesmerized by the blood pooling around a lacerated neck— then he’s remembering luffy and turning around and calling his name and he can see right through him theres a HOLE right through him and he chokes and stumbles and rushes to his side right as luffy starts to crumple to the floor . catches him and lowers him gently and doesnt know what to say.

hes still shaking but cant move his mouth and everything is muffled, the sounds from the battle outside are distant and they dont matter but what does he do. what does he do.

he snaps out of it when luffy gently calls his name. a strong “zoro,” like hes not fazed at all. like there isnt blood soaking into zoros clothes.

his brain kickstarts and he’s speaking. saying things like “youre ok you’ll be ok” and “choppers right outside i’ll just call him and he’ll fix you right up” and “you always bounce back, right captain?” and hes thinking “dont die please dont fucking die. not now, not when we’re this close please dont fucking die” and hes silently praying to all the gods he doesnt believe in but luffy calls his name again and his mouth clicks shut. luffys saying it’ll be fine, that he had fun. that hes proud to have made it this far with all of them. and those sound a lot like parting words so zoro’s shaking his head no but luffy is still smiling. hes saying that hes glad he had zoro, that he made him happy. hes saying to tell everyone he’s glad they met, that hes glad they all had each other, that he knows theyll be just fine .

zoro wants to say that luffy should tell that to them himself, when hes wrapped up and recovering and alive but his mouth is glued shut again and he feels that interrupting luffy now would be cursing him to death, like his words are the only thing keeping him tethered here, he just needs to get him to keep talking to stay awake.

he tries to smile but it comes out ugly and wrong and he feels his lip wobble so he drops it. he settles on rubbing his thumb on luffys shoulder. something to keep him here.

so he rubs and luffy talks little things until he cant anymore. until his eyes grow dull and his skin loses its warmth and still zoro rubs and he rubs.

—

thats how law finds them. zoro hunched over a body that should never be as still as it is. and its really no surprise hes there, hes been gunning for the one piece since the time he could captain a ship (or a submarine) but it all feels so wrong.

zoro either doesnt notice him or doesnt care, but either way the man doesnt acknowledge law until he’s right behind him. its not like law can say anything to announce himself either, not after seeing the state of the body that zoros currently holding. the body that used to be luffy’s. hes still processing it all when the other man(the one whos alive) finally speaks.

zoro asks if hes got a devil fruit. less of a question and more of a statement, but he should know anyway since theyve spent considerable time together and hes literally seen him use it. law cant unstick his jaw so he hums in affirmation. “and you can switch stuffs’ places?” another hum. “what about time.”

that makes law pause. “what?” his voice comes out stronger than he feels.

“what about time? can you switch things in time?” by this point law has awakened his devil fruit or some shit dont sweat the logistics but hes never tried anything of that sort so he kind of stumbles “im not- maybe? ive never attempted-“ zoro interrupts “send me back”

“what?”

“send me back so i can fix this. you can do that, right.” it clicks. law would pity zoro if he didnt know any better, instead he just feels mounting despair and resignation.

he may not be crew, but he knew luffy too, he was allied with the man for fucks sake, and this just feels- wrong. he sighs, a tired, heavy thing.

“what about your crew?” its useless. zoros as stubborn as his captain, with arguably a handful more screws loose. “it wont matter. they’ll never know because i’ll make sure this doesnt happen.” he still hasnt turned around. law doesnt know what expression hes making and hes sure he never wants to find out.

hes ready to deny it, cut his losses and head for the one piece himself (hes not heartless, but if he stands here any longer and has to look at. well. he think he might never be able to move again) but then he really thinks about it. could he? would it even be possible? surely this isnt the way things were supposed to go, surely this isnt right. luffys never been one who was supposed to die just like that, like this, law knows that much. he thinks hes going to regret this, but he counts it as one last thank you for everything luffy did for him.

youre gonna owe me big time strawhat-ya. if i even remember this, that is.

he puffs a breath “i can try. i cant- promise anything but. i think we both know this,” he makes a vague, weak gesture, “isnt right.”

zoro doesnt say anything, law didnt expect him to. he just bows his head slightly and law takes that as the acknowledgment it is.

he brings his hand up, “dont do anything stupid, zoro-ya. or, at least, make it stupid enough to bring him back.”

he positions his fingers in way so familiar, but the weight of it now is nearly unbearable.

room.

shambles

—

zoro’s world shatters, differently than before, and then theres nothing.

—

he wakes up in bed, bleary eyed and a pounding headache assaulting his senses. his alarm clock is going off which only adds to the drumbeat against his eyes. he grumbles and whacks around aimlessly to shut it off. the silence lasts a moment before his eyes fly open and he jolts up, sheets pooling around his waist. luffy. where was he? where was zoro? did the crew find him and take him back to the ship? did law fail? but this didnt look like chopper’s office.

he looks around to find hes in a room hes never seen before in his life, yet he instinctively knows is his. it all feels so wrong, like he doesnt belong in his own skin. he scratches lightly at his arm. he needs to go to work.

work?

what the fuck is happening.

its like his mind is at war with itself, one truth trying to dominate over the other. he trained at sensei’s dojo. he aged out of foster care. he was a swordsman, he was the first mate of the strawhat pirates. he didnt go to college, hes working construction. he made a promise, and kuina died. kuina…died. huh. his captain, his luffy, someone he knew so intimately and who knew him in turn. hes never met someone with that name his entire life. he needs to go to work, he needs to find his crew.

he doesn’t understand what the fuck is happening.

without his permission his legs stand him right up and he moves confusedly, surely, to the bathroom he didnt know he had. his reflection stares back at him in the mirror and its him, of course it is, he doesnt know why he expected someone else, but hes also…different. he has both function of his eyes, first of all. a scar in the same place as before but its light and healed over and doesnt seem to have blinded him like it once did. his hair is green, sure, but black roots peek out from underneath the familiar shade. hes grown stubble, he should shave. he needs to go to work.

hes so confused, but his body moves like its been doing this its whole life. as far as zoro knows, it has.

he continues getting ready, mind still at odds, and makes himself a cup of coffee (in his own kitchen. his own kitchen? the state of it leaves less to be desired. sanji would surely skin him alive) before tucking into his shoes, grabbing his wallet and keys and heading out the door. he seems to live in a single room apartment, and a crummy one at that. his legs move him faster, he has to go to work, he cant be late again (again?).

his car is parked outside the building, he has no fucking clue what it is but he unlocks it all the same and settles in. he feels like he shouldnt be operating this sort of machinery. franky would know better than him how it must work. he starts it up and backs out. trusting his gut to get him where he needs to be. he should be more concerned, he should be frantic and inconsolable, his captain was dead in his arms and now hes? what? going to lay some bricks or some shit? but he finds that part of him dulled in favor of following whatever mundanity this body is pushing him towards.

uumm whatever whatever he arrives at work eventually i dont know how construction jobs work are there offices or something. idc thats not the point. johnny and yosaku are there and zoro is surprised to see them since, as far as he knows, the last time they were with each other was at arlong park which was years ago for him. but the two greet him like this is a daily occurence, like theyve been working together for years. and zoro thinks, knows, they must have. but this is good, this is great fucking news actually because until now theres been no confirmation if zoro was here alone (wherever “here” is) but now his proof is right in front of him because if johnny and yosaku are here, and they exist the same as from before, then that must mean everyone else is here too right? he clings onto this hope with both hands trembling.

nami, usopp, the cook and chopper and robin and franky, brook, jinbe and fuck. fuck, luffy. theyve got to be here somewhere, zoro just has to find them. hes not sure if they remember things like he does but hes got to try because they are his as much as he has always been theirs and they should all exist together as it has always been.

so then yeah he finishes his shift because its what hes ‘supposed’ to do but he doesnt go home. he drives around aimlessly before pulling into a random lot and pulling out his phone (theres no snail attached to it. weird.) he doesnt even know where to begin. hes not usually the one coming up with plans, he just goes where theres blood need to be shed. but no one seems to be in any danger here except for maybe himself, and its not like he has his swords anyway- shit. fuck did he still have wado? he must have right? he knows there was a kuina that existed here too, he knows because he remembers. and she, well she wasnt around anymore so he must have wado. he must. with shaking fingers he pushes that aside for now, though barely. he needs to find luffy, but he wouldnt even know where to start. luffy could probably find the rest of their crew by simply wandering around and happening upon them, thats how he did it before. but zoro has no idea where he’d be, he doesnt even know where he is. nami or robin would be a good bet to at least form a plan, but he wouldnt know how to find them either.

is there even a coco village here? would robin still be part of baroque works? he needs someone who has a defined location that he could google or something (what the hell is google?). usopp would be at syrup village right? shit. is there even a drum island? these are all too broad, he needs something specific. specific…..a place with an identifiable name, somewhere smaller that would be easier to stake out…

a lightbulb goes off.

fucking shit he thinks. of course. of fucking course it would come down to the cook.

he types in “baratie” to his maps and a location pops up, just 27 minutes from where he is now. he hasnt eaten yet either, so he figures thats killing two birds with one stone. he taps the address, backs out of the lot and drives.

(if it takes him nearly an hour to get there thats nobodys business but his own)

he pulls up to the building about a quarter after 7. it seems packed enough already, but if memory serves him right then that was just par for the course for baratie. he parks, gets out and locks his car, then shoves his hands in his pocket and resigns himself to another oncoming migraine hes sure to get upon interacting with the man hes certain is waiting somewhere inside.

the tables are full, the host tells him, he slips a 20 from his wallet and suddenly (of course) theyre more than willing to serve him.

he gets settled in a far and somewhat isolated booth and a waiter comes up to him, but he cuts the man off as hes introducing himself and says “you got a blonde working here? stupid ass side part with a weird eyebrow? goes by sanji” the waiter looks shocked and put off by his rudeness but quickly collects himself and says “we might. depends on whos asking” zoro snorts “just tell him hes got someone who wants to talk to him,” he cringes at this next part, tries to smile but knows it comes off as a sneer. hes not sure if he still has conquerors haki wherever he happens to be now, but he tries to channel that energy the same way he would if he were in battle and says “tell him im a fan.” the waiters eyes widen, in fear or surprise zoros not sure (most likely a mix of both) before he nods and scurries across the floor, weaving in between patrons and coworkers alike until he disappears behind the double doors to the kitchen.

zoro sits with his arms crossed and skims through the menu out of boredom and impatience. its a couple minutes before he sees a familiar head of blonde hair emerge from across the way. a smile climbs onto his face despite himself. sure, the guy annoyed him to hell and back and their…friendship (if you could really call it that) was a tumultuous one, but it was good to see someone familiar nonetheless. he schools his expression before the blonde can spot him. a few moments pass before hes standing right in front of zoro, his stupid suit primped and pressed as always, and a cautious look on his face.

“you asked for me?” his tone is the one he only reserves for men who he deems not worth his time. zoro grits his teeth but says “yeah, theres something ive gotta discuss with you.”

hes never been one for tact, forever blunt unlike his swords.

sanji quirks a brow “i dont plan on talking about anything with anyone unless theyre a paying customer” zoro feels his eyebrow twitch but grabs his menu nonetheless and points to a random item without looking “i’ll have this then, and whatever booze you got.” sanji leans in to see what hes pointing to before his one visible eye widens and a grin slowly overtakes his previously unaffected face.

he speaks condescendingly. “wonderful choice sir, coming right up.” before zoro can get another word in he grabs the menu out of his hand, spins on his heel, and marches back to the kitchen.

zoro clenches his fists and does his best not to grind his teeth into a fine dust. no matter where they are or what displacement in time the fucking curly brow never fails to be absolutely insufferable. at least this way though, zoro knows its him for real.

its another 20 minutes before the shit cook reemerges from the back with a platter and a mug in his hand. he steps up to zoros table and places the plate and cup down in front of him with a smug look. zoro has no idea what the fuck hes looking at on his plate. he doesnt have time to question it before sanji plops down in the booth seat across from him, disregarding all previous faux-professionale and asking “so what do you want” zoro tears his eyes away from his plate and looks into sanji’s, trying to convey as much emotion, as much urgency as he possibly can.

“luffy needs us. and we have to find him” whatever the cook was expecting him to say, it definitely wasnt that. the other man regards him more warily now, looking him up and down with a tense frown before replying “i dont know what the hell youre talking about. and i dont appreciate being mocked or having my time wasted” he goes to stand up but zoro grabs his wrist, yanking him back down unceremoniously.

he blinks before rounding back on zoro, flaring his nostrils in a way zoro knows means hes about to get himself in deep shit “oi, what the fuck do you think youre-“ he doesnt let him finish “im not mocking you. this isnt some stupid prank or whatever youre thinking. and despite how much i would enjoy punching your teeth in right now im not looking for a fight either.”

the cook still looks affronted but seems to actually be listening. zoro continues “look, i dont know what the fuck is going on. i was at laughtale with you and the others, with luffy, and then i woke up and now im here and i dont know how but this is all wrong. its all wrong but i need to find luffy and fuck, i cant do it alone. i need your help to find him. find everyone.” the blondes eye is wide, but he blinks and its gone. he looks more tired than zoro has ever seen him

“im not paid enough for this shit. i dont know why i even-“ he looks like hes getting ready to leave again but zoro is desperate at this point so he blurts out whatever he thinks will convince the other man hes not bullshitting.

“we met you here, at the baratie. me and nami and usopp and luffy. luffy busted through one of your walls so your old man punished him by making him wash dishes. i dont, i dont know what luffy said to you, or how he convinced you to join us, but he changed your life like he did mine. we sailed together, and we had each others backs no matter how much we got on each others nerves. you were our cook. i was our swordsman. luffy was our captain and youd do anything to help him, i know you would, same as me. youre a pervert and an asshole and a damn annoyance, but youre strong. i could still kick your ass though” if the cook’s eyebrow could go any higher hes sure itd be clear off his forehead by now.

“and you- your dream. you wanted to find the all blue.” he stalls there, engine sputtering. zoro doesnt know what else to say, so he snaps his mouth shut.

the blonde is still gaping at him like a fish, but he mouths the phrase “all blue” like hes been searching for it his whole life, like he always knew but just never had the words.

he blinks.

then he blinks again, rapidly. there are tears pooling in his eyes. his mouth flaps for a moment before he seems to finally be able to push out words.

“you- zoro?” he sounds small. he sounds hopeful. zoro grins.

“yeah, yeah its me.” sanji stares at him a moment, then looks around, as if hes seeing everything with clear eyes for the very first time. zoro figures he might as well be.

“holy shit. holy shit.”

zoro laughs, a rough thing. theres a ball in his throat that he cant seem to dislodge. “nice to have you back, curly brow” sanji’s gaze snaps back to him before he scowls and tries wiping away the tears that are now streaking down his cheeks. its useless though, it seems they cant stop. zoro laughs again at the sorry state of the asshole in front of him, this time more full and genuine. he feels so relieved he doesnt know what to do with himself.

“yeah yeah, whatever dick head.” sanji grumbles. zoro quiets down, glances away, lets him have his moment. “fuck, mosshead, im still on the clock and you unload all this on me? how the hell am i supposed to finish the rest of my shift?” his words are sharp but he doesnt sound angry at all. in fact, when zoro turns back to look, hes smiling.

“you remember now though, dont you?” he has to be sure.

“what does it look like, dumbass? think im tearin’ up cuz of pollen or some shit?” the cook rolls his eye. theyre both silent for a moment, trapped in their own heads, before he speaks up again. “so, what now?” zoro doesnt even have to think before he answers “we find everyone else, obviously.” “well no shit, but how?” zoro glances to the side. “i was hoping youd figure that out” sanji stares before bursting out laughing. zoro scowls and hunches into his shoulders.

“of course!” sanji cackles “of course your dumbass wouldnt know what to do! you probably just typed in the most recognizable place you could remember and hoped one of us would be there!” zoro doesn’t answer, because yes thats what he fucking did, but it worked didnt it? he doesnt see whats so funny.

“fuck you.”

he wants nothing more than to bash that smarmy mouth in, but the familiar egging settles something in his soul. sanji gasps a few breaths before calming down, now wiping tears from his eyes for a completely different reason.

“alright alright, well lets figure this out then, yeah? we figure out how we got here then we can figure out how to get back right? simple enough”

zoro nods, “law was-“ he stops. remembers dull eyes and clammy skin and wrong wrong wrong. he shakes his head, “no, no we cant” sanji looks at him confused.

“we cant go back,” zoro presses, “not until i fix things. i promised i would” the other man seems to pick up on his panic and his mood dampens, becomes more serious. “promised what?”

zoros never been one to sugarcoat, but now he wishes he could find a way to soften the blow hes about to deal. he inhales, pushes the breath out. says, “luffy died, sanji.” the fact the hes actually using the other mans name seems to fly right over his head in favor of the first part. “what?” zoro huffs, is he really gonna make him say it again? “luffy di-“ sanji interrupts, angry now, fists clenched and whitened from the pressure “i heard what you said. but what do you mean.”

he doesnt want to have to tell sanji what happened, doesnt want to talk about it at all, wants to slice it up into small enough pieces that it very well may have never existed.

he told law the others wouldn't have to know, that he would make sure of it, but he's realizing now just how unrealistic that is. as much faith as zoro places in his own abilities, he's aware he's only one man.

and, he figures, if there's anyone i can trust enough to share a burden heavy as this with, might as well be the one who's strength i'd count on just as much as my own.

sanji cant help if he doesnt know what went down once they got separated at laughtale, so zoro sets his shoulders, clenches his fists, prepares himself like hes riding into a battle he knows he has no chance of winning—hes the first mate for fucks sake—and resigns himself to filling the other man in on every horrible detail

by the end, the cook looks much the same as zoro feels, pale-faced and shaky. he runs a trembling hand through his hair and clenches his eye shut. “fuck mosshead, thats…” he doesnt bother finishing, and zoro stays silent—already knowing just how much of a shitty situation it is that theyve found themselves in.

—

(btw the reason sanji was so smug about what zoro randomly chose on the menu is bc its one of their most expensive dishes. even upon regaining his memories he still makes zoro pay it cuz hes an asshole like that. business is business 😁)

uuummm i dont feel like detailing the rest basically my idea is that they work together to try and track down all the members as well as law, since hes also a part of this. i dont know how or when or in what order but i do know finding luffy would come last. so yes its zolu but for a majority of it more in spirit than anything. maybe i can throw in some luffy pov of him living with ace and sabo . he knows something is off but cant place his finger on what. he knows something is missing but hes got his brothers with him so what else could he possibly need? etc etc. you get the idea

#devil fruits don't work like this but don't sweat the logistics. just read with your heart not your head #it starts off rough cause im kind of just rambling about my ideas then the more i go the more it just turns into a fic #let me know your thoughts in the comments or my inbox or whatever i love discussing stuff hehe!!#as you all know im an artist first and foremost but sometimes my ideas get a bit too big for my current drawing skills so i write them down #so heres that #one piece #zolu #theres no guarantee i'll ever like. srsly continue this but i rly rly like it as a concept im invested LOL #and i have a few ideas on how the rest of the crew would be found that ive discussed w friends #so perhaps if i find motivation and can outline. an actual plot progression and clean up this first part...#well who knows... XD #also im not a zs truther in fact my insta followers r well aware of my. certain feeling on the ship #HOWEEVVEERRR i do think zoro and sanji have such an interesting unique and important dynamic/relationship #that i enjoy studying outside of a romantic lens #anyway ive spoken enough . pls enjoy! or dont thats fine as well

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anittam · 6 months ago

Text

ToT Theory: We Already Passed The Prologue, We Just Didn't Realized It

Hi, nerds! I been on a break from playing tears of themis, bc for a while it stopped being a game I enjoy playing and started feeling more and more like a chore, but recently I started playing again, so I think I will start posting again, so yeah.

Yesterday when I got home from work, instead of my brain helping me relax, it kept bombarded me with abstract and useless concepts, preventing me from sleeping, and just like that, this theory was born.

Warning: Crack theory (I meant it), and spoilers.

I have no clue of how long you been playing tot, but let me tell you something, early game tot fandom were fighting for the lives, because of the game's prologue, that shit was crypted (I not sure if I used this right) as fuck, for no good reason. Trust me when I say, people were losing iq points trying to get some sense out of this.

So many theories were made, some saying that vyn was the villian, rosa was a traitor or amnesiac, stuff like that, but what most theories had in common was that the prologue happend somewhere in the future of the game, that eventually we would do a full circle and go back to the begining of the game.

So here is my sleep deprivation theory on this subject, the prologue happended somewhere between the blossom chapter 4 and the first year anniversary.

Hear me out, at this point of the game I fully I believe that the dream sequence was really a dream, and not a trance vision. Rosa, our sweet sweet Rosa, just received love confessions from her four good male friends, and she doesnt know what to do, she is overthinking and overanalyzing trying to decide who she should chose, because she likes all four of them in a romantic way. She is thinking about it so much that she even started dreaming about it.

In the dream sequence, she sees the boys, Luke, Artem and Marius, and its connection with them, being represented by 3 objects.

If you paid attention to the blossom chapters, you would realize that thoses objects where thing that represents Rosa getting closer to them, by the way, all of those objects where introduce in the first blossom chapter (I think is because the writes just had a general ideia of the way the story would go so they just putted there in the beginning so they wouldnt have to think to much about them). The 3 objects were, luke's box, which is a central point to his personal story, a painting Marius gifted Rosa, and a bouquet Artem sended to Rosa (I know the flower is not the same, but the change is to represent Rosa's feelings at that moment).

These 3 things, although important in helping Rosa and the ones she loved build a strong relationship, it also brings her sorrow because of her indecision. Because she cant possibly love four people at the same time, thats insane, and cruel on them.

But anyway, after that she sees herself in vyn's office, and he say some weird shit, which phrase referring to one of the boys.

Luke: he talks about the chest of memories, rosa spent 8 years think about luke, what she did wrong, why he abandoned her, just for him to throw some bullshit excuse at her, in luke's first bithday card, Rosa say that she hated luke, but she cant stop loving him. But since he came back, she started to learn more and more about him, and his new life, and she is not exactly thrilled. When it come to she and Luke, there are trust issues, that are very hard to overlook, but they learn to work it out.

Marius: he talks how Rosa pretends to be okay and she is not, and that my friends is a recurring theme in their relationship. And not only her, but Marius is the same, they are constantly trying to not let the other know whats going on, they put on this facade of "im fine, dont worry" which just let the other more concerned. They have communication problems, but as the story they learn to be more open, and properly communicate their needs and concerns.

Artem: this part is the most used in "Rosa is a traitor" theories, because vyn talks about standing by your convictions but betraying your heart. And seeds of this happening was already presented in cannon storyline and in the Artem's personal story, in chapter 3 of the cannon story, Rosa strongly believes that the law is wrong, because if mother killed to save their child, they shouldnt be punished. And Artem's blossom chapter 2, Rosa wants to go against her clients wishes and push her to put her husband to trail for domestic abuse. In both scenerios, Rosa show herself to be a very closed mind person, and if she thinks somethinf is right, she would stand by it to the very end, what ends up causing friction between her and Artem. But in the end she give up her ideials, to do the "right thing", and that is her greatest conviction, doing what is right, she doesnt always agree, and sometimes she gets hurt in the process, but she done right nonetheless. Alternatively, it could also mean, think she has to choose one boy, even if she likes all four.

And after that she start feeling overwhelmed, she is in pain, and vyn makes her go to sleep again.

Now, what about vyn? What is his part in all of this? Since they barely touched on the hypnosis subject on the game, we could link this to one other moment in the game, in vyn's blossom chapter 4, Rosa witness vyn hypnotizing a pacient to help her realize that the one she loved was only using her, which left an impact on Rosa. Maybe her subconscious thought that such practice would help her decided which boy she should choose, but that didnt help her, just left her more confused.

And then she woke up. Without having her response, and still not knowing who to pick.

And this is my theory.

#tears of themis #luke pearce #rosa tot #vyn richter #marius von hagen #artem wing #tot mo yi #tot vyn #tot artem #tot marius

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