#can’t help me self :3
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Wei Wuxian Edition™️
edit~ Vol. 2: x
#anotha one#cant stopppp#can’t help me self :3#lmao#the untamed#the untamed text posts#mdzs#cql#mo dao zu shi#wwx#wei wuxian#wei ying#wangxian#lan wangji#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#mdzs text posts
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If you follow my main you had to know this was coming… anyway. Enjoy these bloodweave doodles :)
#bloodweave#gale x astarion#astarion x gale#baldur's gate 3#bg3#baldurs gate more like baldurs gay amirite folks?#yeah sorry the themes of hunger abuse and power got to me. I’m not immune to thematically mirrors#I have so many thoughts about the it’s not even funny anymore#oh you mean to tell me that canonically gale would offer up his blood if asked and that astarion can’t even do that bc of the orb ??#tasteful irony that the guy who would want to help can’t do that bc of a mistake he made for love.#especially devastating for someone who measures his self worth in usefulness#oh they are so fucked up and they could understand each other in ways hardly reachable to others#once I start an origin run it’s over for you guys I will be so insufferable. even more than usual
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Just some lil guys getting ready for the day.
#bumfuzzled art#tokoyami fumikage#ojiro mashirao#darkshadow#mha#they’re very precious to me#have a lovely day guys no matter how you start it <3#and now for my regularly scheduled rambling#I should draw more self-indulgent slice of life stuff#and on the other hand#I need to stop drawing smear frames but I can’t help myself#sometimes a boy is just zooming and I can’t visualize it any other way#redrew the second Ojiro panel three times before I just decided to add 11da in it. He deserves a morning buddy#also#Darkshadow working hard#we love to see it#srry for inconsistent artstyle it will happen again#oof the quality got destroyed#edited: 29 August (fixed eyebrows)
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my fellow anxiety havers what is one of your mundane day-to-day tasks that should by no means be anything remarkable but feels like you are being hunted for sport. i’ll go first: putting all of your groceries on the conveyor belt during checkout is like a long series of quick time events to me
#marzi speaks#it’s bc like. you have a cart Full of groceries#there is a cashier looking to scan the groceries#there is (often) a bagger looking to bag the groceries and put them back in your cart#goal: get as many groceries onto that belt as fast as possible#REMEMBER: heaviest items go first so that nothing gets crushed when the bagger puts the groceries back in your cart#it is so stressful. move so fast ‘which of these items is gonna be heavier’ getting to the end and realizing you missed like 3 cans…#it’s even worse if there are ppl behind you. i live in texas so i can at least make socially acceptable conversation with the cashier#EXCEPT i’m already way overthinking the conveyor belt situation. i’m already frazzled#and now i gotta do small talk? oh god#on the bright side i am so fast at it it’s insane. i move faster than the cashier can keep up with#which is A Good Thing. bc that means i am at max efficiency#but like. WAAAUUGHH#and then u pay and hope the card reader isn’t gonna be a bitch#and you sit there for a moment while the cashier and bagger bag the rest of your groceries#and ur like ‘….should i help should i stay here’#tbh checkout is why i like never go grocery shopping alone if i know i won’t have self check out#bc what if there is no bagger. then i gotta balance Get Groceries On Belt. Pay For Groceries. AND Bag The Groceries#ouh god the time concerns. no . never. you can’t make me do that alone#someone handles the transaction while the other person bags it’s the only reasonable way to do it#i KNOW logically that it is not a big deal. but i hate the idea of making anyone wait for me
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Undertale yellow flowey embroidery
This took about 40 hours, give or take a few
#I can tell you one thing#Embroidering while having arthritis is really not a piece of cake. When you hand cramps just by holding it at an angle.#At least I can be grateful for my empty schedule#Makes embroidering till the sun rises back up so much easier#Insomnia also helps with this task#I was listening to the ost while working on it and… Live reaction#Occupied turf is so good actually !? Why wasn’t it shown more often !? IT’S FIRE !?#I forgot I only did a pacifist so I got so confused when neutral Flowey came out…#A mother’s love ? Should’ve called this “I’m gonna fuck you up”#The number of time I got my ass handed back to me in this fight is not even funny#The first time is great. The second I only discern my favorites and the sudden change in style. By the third loop I can’t recognize shit#my brain is melting and my eyes are on fire…#Advantages on doing it during daytime. Eyes hurt less. Good stupid tv to listen to in the background Disadvantages. People#Advantages on doing it at night. Alone. Personally work better at night#Disadvantages. No good TV. Time goes by slower…? I don’t know maybe I’m just loosing it with those freaking petals#For reference one petal took me about 3 and a half hours. So yeah… I thought it would never end… Took out almost all my yellow.#When the line tangles itself in the back and you realize only close to the end of it that half went missing#So you have to go backward to entangle it and loose 30 mins because damn it#Cats are not helpful in any of those scenarios#Why do I feel the need to make the back perfect when nobody else but me will know#This is the last time I do one so big without thinking it through#Note to self. Don’t do it standing up when the cats are awake. She just destroyed my stomach#I think i’m losing it#Back after a few weeks#God this white thread is doing my head in… I’m willing to bet my leg half the time I spent on the face was me untangling it.#I’m almost done. It’s finally over. Dark brown took exactly 4 h and 13 mins#undertale#undertale yellow#embroidery#I’m thinking of doing Boris the wolf next. Because I just found the perfect rendition to put on my wall
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❗❗❗❗❗❗
BOTHERING YOU!!! I AM INTERESTED!!!
AUGHH OKAY OKAY SO-
It’s INCREDIBLY similar to canon, that’s like, half of the point. Jamil and Azul have been in the same class for their whole school a career and I firmly believe Azul has HAD a crush on him since their first year even in canon (ex. “I’ve always been curious about you since we were first years.”)
so in this au it happened completely on accident. Since they were only around 3 weeks- a month into school, Jamil didn’t have kalim to worry about yet (who arrived a month later) and azul didn’t have such a large reputation (so Jamil was a little less cautious). Potion project, truth serum. Should be easy right? That was until azul accidentally lost balance and tried to catch himself on the cauldron, sending it all over him and into his mouth.
so when Jamil leans over to ask if he’s okay, because a giant metal thing just tipped over him, the first thing out of his mouth is “great seven you’re gorgeous.”
when Jamil is promptly like “what” Azul literally can not control his tongue and is like “please go on a date with me-“ and Jamil just stares at him for a moment before going “…sure” because, well, hell. He’s free from kalim for the first time in his life, he thinks he’s pretty too, it’s worth a shot and he’s under a truth potion, so at least he knows he finds him attractive. So sure, couldn’t hurt to try.
And it did, in fact, not hurt to try, they snuck their way up the astronomy tower and had a nice dinner that azul made. And they were both, very very happy.
another date later (this time by Jamil, where they played mancala in one of the scarabian common places) and they were official.
And a month later, (a week or so after kalim transferred) Jamil joined basketball and Azul became his number one fan, where a year later Ace learns about his existence from
Azul keeps Jamil from becoming more stressed about kalim, and Jamil uses his study guides to not go insane. Jamil also becomes a third enforcer for the monstro lounge, and knows EXACTLY how everything works, because hell he was there right next to Azul and helping him figure it all out when it was happening. He’ll catch someone trying to run from Azul and his contracts and toss them right back into the shark pit.
theyre also horrible. Like the most couple to ever couple. Jamil waits outside every housewarden meeting to walk with Azul, they always either bring breakfast or coffee for each other (they��ll switch it up on who brings it each day). Hell even Ace originally knew Azul as “Jamil’s boyfriend from octavinelle” during games.
#Also I think that Azul wouldn’t overblot (because Jamil would seriously help with his self esteem and because JAMIL SHOULD PUNCH LEONA-)#Listen I’m not a Leona hater#But I didn’t like him during book 3-#Listen I’m sorry I just can’t sympathize that strongly with a guy who is still rich as hell and royalty#You don’t have to work#I don’t feel that bad for you not being king#Jamil probably would still overblot but I have angst for that#Angst you’d probably like actually#You know when you were thinking about Jamil feeling bad after his overblot??#Imagine how he’d feel knowing he chucked his boyfriend halfway across the desert#But yeah#the sillies#id also think it’d be FUCKING HILARIOUS for canon Jamil to meet this jamil#“Oh shit the magic is all messed up- give me a second I need to call my bf to make sure he’s okay”#“Your what”#“My… boyfriend? What you don’t have one?”#“NO????”#“Life must suck for you then.”#“What? You think I need someone to be happy?”#“Well are you?”#“…”#(He feels bad because he doesn’t get Azul and weighted blanket cuddles when he’s sad)#(He feels bad thinking about all of the bad mental episodes Azul’s helped him through)#After Jamil figures out the other version of him is dating Azul he’s like “Him?? That schemer-??”#He insults him so much other Jamil is like “listen I don’t care if your me I can only take so many insults to my boyfriend before I just#Fight you.”#Jamil vs jamil#jamil viper#Azul Ashengrotto#jamiazu
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Y’know the whole “Peter and Elias are constantly marrying and divorcing” thing well consider: Jonpeter on-again off-again toxic affair.
#help why does my ipad wanna correct ‘well’ to ‘we’ll’?? like my Guy. my Friend. that is a real word already#like bro What Are You Doing?#they love each other but are both allergic to expressing their emotions#(and also jon’s sad loneliness from having his one (1) close relationship be this? tasty as hell)#also jon is a bitch and peter is constantly showing up late for dates or ‘forgetting’ to do things or leaving without warning for months#(btw when i call jon a bitch it is with nothing but love in my heart. he’s so special to me.)#so they fight a lot and it’s a whole fucking Thing#elias tolerates it in the hopes that jon will get marked but has made it Crystal Clear to peter that he better not pull any shit with jon#it’s a matter of institute gossip#jon and peter are both very private however they do not do Subtle.#if they get invited to a gala there’s a 1 in 3 chance someone catches them snagging in a hall#a 1 in 3 chance they’re caught having a vicious fucking argument that’s theoretically about peter not doing the laundry#(but really about jon feeling neglected)#and a 1 in 3 chance they’re caught doing both. sometimes at the same time somehow.#it’s a fucking mess ever since they started having an affair they can’t handle being at the same institute event#elias had to permanently ban them from attending together (which mostly meant jon cause the lukases are donors)#will put this in the#jonpeter#peterjon#tags. but not the main tags#obligatory no martin or j//mart please and thank you#i’m gonna level this is just self-indulgent nonsense
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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self-flagellating by writing fake song lyrics for my nuclear weapons AU
#critical ‘can’t write poetry to save my life’ incident 3 dead 13 injured#anyway. if anyone has a poetic bone in their body and they’re in the mood to help me workshop my fake song lyrics please drop me a line 🥺#I feel some amount of self-imposed pressure to write believably good song lyrics bc Stef is supposed to be a musical composition god#and it would feel OOC for the lyrics he sings to suck shit lmao#gay herald in a squirrel suit
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i decided that i might as well post this here cuz it took wayyy too long to make for such a simple thing like goddamn
plus it flopped on tiktok so *shrug*
i crave validation and am currently fixated on supernatural and this happened
anyway this song is theirs idc
#spn#supernatural#spnedit#bc i have no self control#destiel#deancas#spn 13x01#dean winchester#castiel spn#pls help me i can’t stop thinking abt them#just found out my go-to spn friend has only seen two seasons#</3#and the other i’m too awkward to talk to rn#i need spn mutuals pls#spnfandom#spn feels#i’m literally regressing to my middle school self#13 y/o me thought i would be so cool at 17#here i am making a fucking destiel edit and reading fanfic 24/7#my st fixation is p much gone#and has just been replaced by spn#and unfortunately teen wolf lowk#Spotify
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cat hacker reintroduces mspec lesbian discourse into my life my brain obliterates itself in ocd-fueled recursive self-argumentation
#‘noones identity lives in a bubble and the self-id of others DOES effect broader culture and cause potential ramifications’#and#‘jfc i’m not the center of the god damn universe and REGARDLESS of whatever petty semantic preference i have towards ‘my’ definition that#doesn’t mean shit for other people + the idea that queer people can be ‘invalidated’ or ‘excluded’ is fucking STUPID that isn’t how queers#work we aren’t a fucking club we can kick people out of for not doing things ~correctly~’#can seemingly coexist in my brain but they keep biting each other#oh and in addendum to the first one ‘my lesbianism is fundamentally disinterested in men as both ID and interest to the point that it has#can feel (<- FEEL) like active misgendering to imply its definitionally compatible with other conceptions of the word.#not to mention the whole ‘i can’t even fucking figure out how my sexuality treats bigender people at all. like i’m consciously fine with#them from a like… impersonal framework but LUST-WISE it feels like dividing by zero. i don’t know. fucking logic puzzle ass shit.’#ON MY END I’M FUCKING MISGENDERING SOMEONE EITHER WAY ITS. GAH. HELP#IT MAKES ME FEEL BADLY PROGRAMMED. CAN’T EVEN HANDLE A LITTLE GENDER FUCKERY. INFANT BRAIN.#you can pry my ID from my cold dead hands and if you imply its bigoted or ~separatist~ in origin i’ll fucking gut you. but also teehee its#just MY id and you can ID however you want just don’t tell me how to identify sparkle sparkle~<3#but also my id IS mutually exclusive of yours definitially and WILL cause problems going forward from a clerical & organizational standpoint#homonym ass queer theory relied on by a fucking spineless little shit who refuses to take a hard stance for what she believes is right OR c#correct. the spineless coward is me. by homonym i mean the same word and spelling meaning different things to different people to the point#it might as well not be same word at all#‘i think my definition of lesbian is objectively better and wish people using other definitions would please stop but ALSO if you think less#of other people for using other definitions i will beat your skull in with a rock you bitch’ is. what i boil down to.#‘i think inclus vs exclus language is stupid and not how the lgbt+ community works but going by the logic i don’t like the existence of the#ID but also literally almost all my bestest friends in the world are inclus on the subject and despite my semantic arguments i don’t disagre#disagree with them. i still pray every night that i might wake up to a world where my actual opinions are unnecessary and my consciousness k#knows pure unchallenged peace though’#while also recognizing that dream of personal peace by way of ignorance of the identity of others is pretty fucking selfish lol#i keep writing addendums. this can go on forever.
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when i actually write a fic. u will see
#it’s just dialogue… is that not enough… i can’t do the other stuffs orz#i haven’t opened it since bcoz… 👉👈#maybe someday. it’s a fun mam x mc fic where they’re just bffs hangin out all day.#i want to write another one that’s SO self indulgent. a lu x mc fic where mc is suffering from a migraine and goes to him for help#i just knoooooow he can fix me. a little woosh of the wrist and bam… NO PAIN !!! god i wish that were real#n then another one is mc gets wasted at a club and hooks up w a hot succubus but i think that is just me overly indulging#‘at a club’ lmao i mean the fall#OKAY IM GONNA WRITE IT WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE ‼️⁉️#give me 2-3 business years
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Fucks sake I can’t even do something as simple as drawing rn what is wrong with me.
#/ vent post#I need to put something down since I can’t talk to this therapist anymore since the site I was using was shady af and my therapist was#super inconsistent wjth helping me with messages and the vibes we got was terrible#my DPDR is slowly hitting me again and it’s making my anxiety so much worse#I just wanted to practice drawing and trying to draw my F/O’s but I can’t even draw something as simple as a fucking deer and it’s making me#upset as all hell I can’t draw something SO FUCKING SIMPLE#even with character references and looking at the head anatomy it still looked like shit#I get it this is my first time using a tablet but I’m not that new to drawing entirely#I know how to draw nonhumans#I know how to draw my certain style of humans#but I can’t even manage that right now and it’s making the intrusive thoughts worse#it’s literally 3:30 something AM I should’ve been asleep a long time ago but#I just wanted to draw my self ships like everyone else can#tbd
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.
#so I was reading up on bipolar disorder#and apparently it’s one of the main leading causes of disability worldwide#2 out of every 3 people with bipolar disorder end up on disability#and given the fact I’ve been struggling so much with episodes where I just like… can’t do anything#idk that’s terrifying to me#I LOVE to work and feel accomplished#I’m not saying others who have to take it don’t but that it would be a massively destructive blow to my self identity to not be able t work#I think I’ve done really good work so far getting things sorted out#I’ve been compliant with meds and am almost finished with my year-long intensive outpatient therapy#the stress of the strike that started really threw me off and has made the last month pretty unbearable#but I’m learning and adapting#this just feels like it lit a fire under my ass that I really need to work overtime to fight this diagnosis and get back to healthy#there’s no putting things off like I need to get shit done#and if things aren’t working then it’s time I find another way#bc I can’t let myself just give in to the symptoms and let them dictate my life#really coming up with a game plan for 2023 to make it my year and I genuinely feel confident it will work out#2021 I wrestled control of my life back and got semi functional again. I sought help#2022 I found that help and got diagnosed / found the right medication balance / completed intensive outpatient therapy#2023 I use all this to make behavioral changes that help me regain control of my life#specifically tons of exercise / more social interaction / practicing hobbies and skills#I think it’s pretty achievable and I’m excited about the results
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common thick hair dub started pulling chunks of hair out can’t even tell where
#personal#it was at the front of my head too like damn bitch. my hairline.#my mom said she’s sending dad to a home bc we obviously can’t do it#and i was like oh for sure if that’s best but don’t do that bc of me pulling hair#i’ve been self harming since ten cmon this is pretty normal#she was like 🤨 okay#i drafted this and then not kidding my dad#okay so first hair pull came bc my dad requested the rest room at like 11:40#which like fair you gotta piss you gotta piss#walk him down with the walker but he got turned around and disoriented in the bathroom#god im so awful he’s not eating to stop using the bathroom to stop bothering us then i’m crying at 3 am walking him there#anyway so he’s like where am i and im like the bathroom and he’s like i don’t need to use the bathroom my bad#walk him back - he’s like take me to the bathroom#and we’re like?? do you need to go?#and he’s like no i just want to know the path for myself#and he won’t let my mom get five steps away she’s severly sleep deprived and tells him no#you’re going to bed i’m going to bed grahams goign to bed and they’re fighting#dads like i’m gonna leave to find someone outside to help me#moms grabbing my arm and walking away and dads right there and then i’m screaming at them#cause i understand both my dads so anxious and scared and my mom is so exhausted#anyway yelling works everyone stops fighting blah blah mom goes to bed dad does too#five minutes later hear my dad in the living room clattering around and walk in to him holding the tv up and it’s FALLING#so i run over pick it up and my fucking god#we were talking earlier how he thought the tv was a door bc of the light#and he was trying to? get out? go to the rest room? i don’t know#either way walk him to the bathroom and back#cry go to bed cover my ears when i hear him clap for help again at 3 am then get up and help him#mom scared the shit out of me i was setting up the water for my dad and crying and my mom just APPEARED in the shadows#i feel so bad she saw that bc i closed her door and left mine open so she could sleep!!!!!!#she’s sleeping on the couch with him rn i should wake her up and let her go to bed but i dont want to i dont want to i dont how she does it
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love rewatching the bucktommy break up episode (not rewatching the josh scene ever again in my life) yay
#911 spoilers#can’t believe im willingly rewatching tommy scenes but they are legit too good (they are funny) to pass on#like its so stupid like yeah ofc buck is feeling guilty and making it all about himself again and once again trapping a dead end rel into#his shitty without personality loft ofc <3#never had a single second of self reflection never asked himself mhm why do I care so much about gay rights but at the same time#im not doing any research on the matter bc trust me if he did some research hed knew better than saying that someone that came out helped#*came out in 2017#gay marriage like???? dude. if he looked into it and what does it means for him personally MAYBE he would know that its not normal to feel#threatened by your bestie having a new friend (trust me i know i used to be that person#in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL but nonetheless….) i love picking his brain yay i doubt they will ever explore it and explain this shit but still#911 on abc
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