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jazzmckay · 1 year ago

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anders & merrill parallels

despite coming from contrasting walks of life, anders and merrill have a lot in common. tension rises between them due to fundamental differences in their belief systems; things that could help them understand each other incredibly well mostly just drive them apart, which is such a tragic loss for two people who are in desperate need of support.

ways anders and merrill parallel each other:

childhood displacement and resulting isolation

on a quest for the good of their people

their faith

association with spirits/demons

lack of support and eventual tragedy

childhood displacement and resulting isolation:

at the age of 12, anders was taken from his parents to the ferelden circle. when merrill's magic manifested as a child, she was sent to another dalish clan that needed a keeper's first, having to leave her parents behind. their magic meant they had to be uprooted from their homes and families. merrill's displacement was not done maliciously--mages are moved around so that no clan goes without a keeper to preserve their history and culture--but it does still mean she lost her family very young and only has vague, wistful memories of them.

marethari, as much as she thinks she's doing what she must / what's best for merrill, is not a good parental substitute. their relationship may have started decently, until the matter of the eluvian drives a wedge between them, but what happens at this point doesn't paint marethari as a good parental figure. marethari chooses to send merrill away rather than trying to reach a compromise with her, or even just comforting her and helping her process her grief in a healthy way. it's clear merrill thinks of marethari highly, but it seems like acceptance and emotional support may not have been a large part of their relationship. in addition to this, as a keeper's first, merrill's training and apprenticeship likely took most of her time, making it harder to nurture other friendships.

likewise, the circles aren't a good place for mages to form relationships. they're under constant scrutiny, they have to be careful about any connections they form, many mages may feel they're safer keeping to themselves. children born to mages in a circle are even taken away from them. circles are a hostile environment in many ways, and wouldn't inspire the mages to foster companionship. anders refuses to talk to anyone, even the other mages, at first. he escapes seven times. it isn't until karl that he has any reason to stay, and then karl is taken from him, too.

both anders and merrill have the people they care about taken from them repeatedly--and in merrill's case, the people she cares about even push her away. they grow up disconnected, isolated, and having to fend for themselves. i think this leads to some of the personality traits they have in common as well, namely their intense stubbornness. they have learned that they're largely on their own, so they make decisions on their own, and can rarely be swayed once their minds are made up.

on a quest for the good of their people:

anders is fighting for mage freedom--eventually at all costs. merrill is determined to restore her people's history--not necessarily at all costs, but she goes far further than anyone else would. both of them are driven by wanting better for their people. they are passionate about their goals. these goals are at the forefront of their lives, they are goals they strive for across years, relentlessly. they don't give up, no matter the difficulties along the way. they desperately want positive change for their people. their goals say a lot about them as people, and these qualities are things they share with each other in an incredibly synonymous way.

their faith:

anders is andrastian, and merrill believes in the creators. anders' faith doesn't come across so strongly, because he is of course opposing the chantry's rule on how mages should be treated, but the chantry's teachings have been ingrained in him since growing up in the circle. he believes that there are spirits, and there are demons, and the demons are wholly, inherently evil. his understanding of justice supports his understanding of this dichotomy. merrill, by contrast, was taught that all spirits/demons are just like people, as varied as any mortal. she says all of them can be dangerous, but they can be helpful, too, and she is confident in her ability to treat them carefully and safely.

they butt heads on this badly. anders asks if merrill started blood magic by accident. she says no, she did it very intentionally. anders asks if maybe she just doesn't understand the difference between spirits and demons. she says no, i have a belief of my own and don't need to borrow yours, thank you. it's inevitable that you'll become an abomination, anders claims. skill issue, merrill replies.

their faiths are different, but the two of them are similar in how strong their belief is. it's that stubbornness again: they will not be swayed. they can't agree on blood magic, or how to view demons, which is the main thing that keeps forcing them apart despite how similar they are.

association with spirits and demons:

on the topic of their different perspectives on spirits and demons, another main thing they have in common is anders' relationship with justice, and merrill's relationship with demons she communicates with through blood magic. anders doesn't appreciate them being compared in this manner, but from merrill's viewpoint, they are very much comparable, and in fact, anders is doing the same thing she does, but far riskier. she has no intention of ever joining with a demon. she says anders has no room to judge her, when he has let a spirit in.

both of them are willing to communicate with spirits, both of them have a more open-minded approach to spirits, and this is something they could find common ground on, if not for anders seeing a difference between spirits and demons while merrill does not, and anders' belief that he has corrupted justice into vengeance. it doesn't matter who is right, if either of them are. both of them are doing something risky but thought/think they have a handle on it, that they could/can control it.

whether or not they're right, it leads them to tragedy regardless.

lack of support and eventual tragedy:

merrill is right that she can fix the eluvian. she's also right that eluvians were important artefacts to the elvhen and they could teach the dalish more about their history. she's right! and it doesn't matter. no one believes her. everyone thinks she'll only bring them destruction. her clan turns her away when she refuses to back down. even hawke can not believe in her. many of the other party members don't believe in her. she's right, and it doesn't matter. her clan has a high chance to end up dead. she loses marethari regardless. many party members comment on the fallout in harsh ways. the guilt is already eating at her. she fixes the eluvian, and there may be no one left to share in her success, she may not even be able to feel victorious herself, after what it cost. she is alone. she has always been, in some way, alone.

how different could it have been, if someone had understood what she needed? if someone had as much faith in her as she had in herself?

anders lived the experience of a young mage ripped away from their home and family, forced into a circle, forced under templar and chantry rule. he knows what it feels like to be a lost, scared child, locked in an unfamiliar place, where armoured figures with hidden faces are always watching. he has experienced the abuses. he has been imprisoned and tortured. he has had people dear to him taken from him and made tranquil, even though they were harrowed, even though they never would have done something to warrant it. until joining the wardens, his life was an endless battle to just be free.

the fight for mage freedom, and his manifesto, are a matter of life and death for anders. everyone else, though--they can ignore it, because it doesn't impact them directly. they can believe the potential for mages to be dangerous justifies systematic abuse and even culling. anders is frequently ignored, belittled, or even hated for his mere desire for freedom, and for his passion for the freedom of all mages. he is screaming at the top of his lungs, and no one is listening.

in the end, no matter what, he blows up the chantry alone. he's out of options. it's been years, and nothing else works. no one cares. he has been pushed to his limit. he doesn't want it to be like this, but it's all there is left, and something has to give. he does this alone, and is willing to give his life in the aftermath, because he has nothing left to give.

this likely never could have gone differently. anders has been doomed since the moment he was born a mage.

conclusion:

anders and merrill are characters whose lives often mirror each other: mages who have never been able to form strong, healthy, and/or lasting relationships, finding themselves isolated and needing to rely on only themselves. they are deeply passionate people who strive to do good and make a difference. unfortunately, this works out tragically for both of them.

in a perfect world, maybe they could have been exactly what the other needed. their empathy and determination could have let them help each other. the base is there: when anders first starts asking about merrill's blood magic, he does it with a tone of concern. many times, merrill can express her wish for anders to be happy. in a conversation with sebastian, merrill reveals that anders has warned her to stay away from the chantry. they disagree with each other, but they do care. at anders' harshest, he is talking about himself more than he's talking about merrill; as he feels himself fraying, he projects his anger at himself onto her. he sees their similarities, and he's afraid. she could have reassured him, they could have supported each other, could have put their heads together and found new solutions. the potential was there for their similar experiences to give them a uniquely strong companionship, but they just never managed to grasp onto it.

#dragon age #da2 #anders #merrill #da meta #can you tell..... i adore them both so #slacking off on nanowrimo to write this goddamn essay of a post #my meta

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polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup · 1 year ago

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this is probably off topic but like i was rereading sea glass gardens & i was just giggling at the fact that kamo (the good one ofc not the one who took back shots for the greater evil) is just…obsessed with getting this middle school delinquent approval & MEGUMI JUST NOT REMEMBERING HIS NAME???

like imagine dedicating your spare time to impress the adopted child of the strongest who is also the zenin’s heir (if gojo fucking goes crazy or kicks the bucket) who is also the ten shadows user, trying to compliment him, hyping up his skills by saying he has more potential than the current zenin head, only for him to not know your name 😭. & the fact he apologized for it? i’m cacklingggg. you truly embraced megumi’s silent menace tendencies. tbh i was so convinced that kamo had a crush on megumi & was just flirting with him for the whole exchange event 😭.

(also maki’s little story of her interaction with megumi in their childhood? i cried a little. like the fact megumi being a menace to naoya & the clan & taking mai away was like mai’s happiest memory? i really can’t wait to see mai’s appearance here)

also i can’t believe megumi is half dead & blind & he’s already known as “yuuta’s boy”. this is giving when you’re a high school senior & you just forcibly take a underclassmen under your wing & everyone just calls that underclassmen your school kid.

like imagine in a happier universe where shibuya didn’t happen & yuuta pops tf out & introduces himself to the first years. imagine the hilarity of nobara & yuuji trying to figure out how tf yuuta is able to cling onto megs, tease him, & knows little details about him without getting his head chewed off 😭.

honestly..yuuta’s unhealthy platonic feelings about megs makes me wonder gojo’s reaction bc i imagine him being so insufferable like he just assumes that “omg my distant relative have a crush on my emotional support child”

ANYWAYS I LOVE YOUR STORY !! i can’t wait for the next update, your writing is literally so beautiful that i have to re read it multiple times to take everything in (i’m kinda slow). it’s gotten to the point where i accepted your fic as canon 😭. i promise you in a few months your fic is gonna be known as THE JJK FIC. i’m manifesting it. <3

So I’m never gonna get there in the fic because sea glass gardens cuts off pre season 1, but I like to headcanon that Yuuta desperately wants yuuji to like him (he’s megumis friend and also Yuuta feels an obligation to look out for him because they were both sentenced to death) but yuuji is just NOT having it because he’s the one person in the world that yuuji feels almost seething jealousy for. He is not a jealous person. He has never been a jealous person. But Yuuta is living his perfect life, which is a fact that Yuuta would be surprised to learn, because he is not living anyone’s perfect life. From yuujis perspective, Yuuta is:

Inexplicably close to Megumi. Megumi is somehow his boy. Yuuji didn’t think Megumi would tolerate being anyone’s boy.

(He doesn’t tolerate it it’s somehow the best and worst kept secret in the school. Everyone knows Megumi is Yuuta’s boy except for Megumi himself. Megumi insists Yuuta’s like this with everyone while panda silently shakes his head where Megumi can’t see him.)

He’s got some kind of secret history with Megumi that no one will talk about (since I imagine that the second years would legitimately keep their word and not talk about what the Zenin did to him behind his back) but whatever it is it makes Megumi trust and rely on him more than anyone else??? How is the son of a bitch doing it???

He was also sentenced to death but got it suspended and like. Yeah. Yuuji would like to live that dream existence.

The fucking legally adopted child of Nanamin??? How?????

It’s a lot of

Yuuji, glaring at him angrily from across the room: he’s the perfect man

Nobara: why do you say that like you’re mad

Yuuji: why am I not him!!!

Yuuta’s just. Despondent. He wanted yuuji to like him so so bad.

Considering canon Megumi didn’t tell them he had an entire sister until they were at his old school and people were asking after her, I doubt that even waterboarding could get out of him “yeah so I met the second years when my bio family violated the no contact protocol that started because of how dangerously abusive they were and basically tortured me for a week, up to the point of my Actual Death. I was blind for a while. I guess okkotsu senpais protective of me because when we first met he Literally Had To Restart My Heart and Lungs. Also we held hands multiple times in the immediate aftermath.” So I think Yuuji and Nobara would be aware that there’s something weird about how Yuuta and Megumi met but have absolutely no idea what that weird thing is.

(Panda: look it’s really not weird how protective Yuuta is of Megumi considering all that Megumi was going through when they first met

Nobara: What was Megumi going through when they first met

Panda:

Nobara:

Panda: I’ve said too much.)

I have a serious reading of Kamo and a self indulgent reading of Kamo and a Kamo that’s somewhere in the middle.

The serious reading of Kamo is that Kamo was a kid who grew up in a bad situation with very little control over his own life and saw Megumi as the one who could possibly understand him. They both were born outside of their clans but their inherited technique had the ability to elevate them to clan heir. He persisted in trying to compliment him and form common grounds with him out of isolation and a desire for someone to understand his lot in life. Megumi, meanwhile, would see Kamo as exactly who he doesn’t want to become. Kamo has accepted his place in his clan; megumi is violently rejecting it. He doesn’t want to be the same as Kamo because he doesn’t want to be anywhere near the Zenin clan.

The thing is that out of all the characters, Kamo’s really the best one we have to kind of represent the more common views of the jujutsu world. like, he very consistently is shown to be able to make his own assessments about what judgment call the higher ups and the wider jujutsu elite are going to make or expect, and part of it is his desire to fulfill his role as kamo clan heir. And Kamo? Accepts out of hand that Megumi is going to be formally brought into the Zenin clan once he graduates.

Like, he's in the fight during the goodwill event, and he's just like "yeah so when we both graduate we'll both be working to support a major clan in the jujutsu world" and megumi's like "the hell are you talking about. i'm going to kill you with this elephant."

It is probably a common expectation that gojo keeping Megumi from the Zenin clan is not going to stretch into perpetuity. Like. Right now, megumi is a minor. Gojo very easily can control who has access to him. When he’s an adult working in the society, the same trick of preventing all contact isn’t gonna work. Those are his coworkers now. They’re going to get more and more opportunities to bring him back into the fold. The Zenin are just playing a waiting game to get Megumi back and everyone sort of has just accepted that fact.

Kamo is what the Zenin clan expect Megumi to one day be for them, and I think it puts Megumi a bit at odds with him. Megumi has no interest in living the way Kamo does, and a little internalized fear about it happening anyway. Refusing the Zenin clan is the only control he’s ever really exerted over his life and future. He never got to pick being a jujutsu sorcerer, but he chose not to go with them. All of kamos priorities and mindset remind Megumi of all the things he’s messed up about, and it sets them at odds.

The self indulgent reading is that Kamo had a huge crush on Megumi and spent the entire goodwill event trying to execute his four year long plan towards holding his hand only to be thwarted by the fact that Megumi was completely dazzled by a himbo he knew for less than two weeks three months ago.

And the reading above is just the serious reading with the added fact that Kamo also had a huge crush on Megumi.

The thing with Mai partially came from something that Gege apparently released as background lore. In the goodwill event, Mai says that she never told maki when she had her first love, and i was like "that's weirdly specific, I wonder who that is" and then I googled it, and the answer was apparently either Megumi or Maki herself, and I said, "Huh, I Don't Like That" and decided we weren't doing that.

Now, to be clear, I do get making that decision on a level as a writer. Like, the Zenin clan is enormously fucked up and explicitly practices intermarriage. That is the kind of thing where you may include it because it's so fucked up and perfectly exemplifies how fucked up it is. a clan that explicitly is practicing incest is going to heavily skew how relationships amongst family members develop and form and it's going to be a fucked up dynamic amongst closely related people.

But also I Don't Like It And We're Not Doing That.

I did like the idea of Megumi and Maki occupying a somewhat similar place in Mai's mind. Like, Maki is in a league of her own, there's too much history there for anyone to come close to her in a relationship, but Mai's fondest memories of Maki were specifically with Maki occupying a sort of companion and protector role. Maki was in the same "level" as mai. They were both vulnerable kids in a bad situation who were looked down on by their family. They were both fast tracked to be servants. But Maki was the brave one, the capable one, the one who guided her when she was afraid and promised to always be there, and that's where a lot of mai's complex emotions around maki come from: mai was afraid and maki was strong and maki was there to hold her hand, and then suddenly she wasn't anymore.

Once I put Megumi in the Zenin compound as a little kid (since it's unclear what contact Megumi had with his bio family pre-season 1 and how extensive it was), I knew that 1) the zenin would not be putting him anywhere near Mai and Maki, and 2) that I wanted them to have met anyway.

So I liked the idea of Maki and Megumi occupying similar spaces in mai's mind because they both had briefly been viewed by Mai as companions and protectors. Megumi's contact with Mai was way more limited than Maki's was, but Megumi sort of swept into her life at a time where Mai really did need it most.

Mai would have been right at the age where most kids get their technique, if they get any at all, and we can sort of assume that mai may have figured out what hers was late if Maki didn't know about it. She just failed to get the ten shadows technique, and was a freshly confirmed failure in terms of power. She was just feeling the sting of her family's rejection, and Megumi, meanwhile, was the one who was supposed to be the most special and blessed of them all.

And he was the only one who didn't reject her out of hand, other than her sister. He stuck his own neck out to protect her. They all played together. There's not a lot of good memories than any of the three of them have on the Zenin compound, but I think that all of them secretly thought of that day as one of the best they can remember from childhood.

And it sort of was a huge deal for Mai. Everyone was treating her like she was dirt under their heel, but there was Megumi, the presumptive heir to the clan, the Ten Shadows himself, and he played with her. He was her friend. I think that would have been kind of a landmark moment for little mai. not only is that the acceptance and kindness she desperately needed, but I think it was also sort of source of hope for her that she could have a place in the Zenin compound one day without it being utter garbage. Megumi was assumed to take over the entire clan one day, and he was kind to her. He was her friend. He didn't let Naoya treat her badly, when Naoya was the one who was likely going to be heir if Megumi hadn't inherited the ten shadows. Naoya was at the top of the food chain, but Megumi still stood up for her, even though her own parents wouldn't have. So maybe when he grew up and became clan head, he wouldn't let people mistreat her and maki anymore. They could all be happy together, and Mai couldn't imagine a future where she and maki got to be happy before. Even though the clan leadership cracked down pretty hard on them for that stunt, it didn't make a dent in how overwhelmingly happy it made her.

Megumi going no contact probably would have been a huge blow, especially considering her age. She lost her hope and her only friend who wasn't her sister in one fell swoop, and she really was too young to have the tools to understand just how much Megumi needed to be kept away from her family for his own safety.

Mai, back then, was living in such a warped life that she didn't really realize how bad her family was, especially to Megumi. and that's not so much a comment as to how bad it was for her there versus him, but more that she had very little context as to what his life there was like. she was never supposed to meet him. She mostly heard about him secondhand, and that's all being filtered through the zenin's unique. All she ever heard was about how the ten shadows had finally been reborn, and how the clan was blessed for it, and how upset they all were that they had to give him back to gojo. No one even wanted her. Megumi seemed like he was living a much better life than anyone at the zenin compound could expect, so what cause would gojo have to take him away?

She was just a little girl who didn't really have friends other than her sister and him. She wanted to play with him again. She didn't understand much outside of that.

Of course, she's had time to grow up and kind of put her memories of the past in a more reasoned context. Maki came to the conclusion that Megumi probably didn't have the best time there a while ago, and this incident has really put it into perspective for her that he must have cut off the zenin because they were dangerously abusive towards him. Like, she mostly never saw him, but she has a lot of memories of him 1) being hauled out of a training room unconscious 2) being on sixteen hour days at the age of six, and 3) being violently unhappy whenever he was in the compound. Mai, to a lesser extent, likely has a similar awareness that he didn't go no contact for shits and giggles, it was because her family's fucking bonkers and abused him badly enough for gojo to pull the plug. of course, how that's shaped mai's mindset towards megumi now is still yet to be seen.

I know what it is, of course. it is seen for me. you all have yet to see it.

Gojo can and will make his own existence everyone else's problem and yuuta is sooo right to not want him to know. like. he wouldn't kick yuuta's ass. but that doesn't mean he'd be good about it.

I'm so glad you like the story! thank you for your kind words!!!