#hating things can def be good in moderation sure i guess

[eurydicees]

i get the appeal of being a hater for sure but personally i was built to be a lover and to love things and to see the beauty and worth in everything i choose to see beauty and worth in sometimes for no other reason than that i want to see beauty and worth in them. like i don’t want to hate things for fun! why are we all so mean to each other! you do you but personally im gonna choose to unapologetically love the things i love

[gothcsz]

hahahaha I’m like moderately pissed off 😂 the ending from the last chapter helped a bit but I still wanna 🥊 Javi.

August just gives me the creeps and I have no idea what to even think about this prophecy stuff! Crazy shit going on there lmao I always wanna 🥊 him!

I guess I kinda get it tho, like they all have more issues than vogue and all that! I think if it was literally anybody else it wouldn’t have been so bad??? But like Javi doesn’t know everything that happened with Sloane so to him she’s “just” her best friend so that just hurts. Like why specifically this one person Javi! He really hasn’t made any effort I feel like lmao the only effort he’s done is push Paloma away and hurt her over and over again…

I think Sloane mention Paloma and saying she’s not like her and all that and Javi just kept going with it just have me the biggest ick. Like how obvious Sloane was that she’s getting one over Paloma and he just ignored that. Definitely ick!

But yeah, biggest group hug ever for Paloma bc home girl is going through shit and she really deserves some good things. I’m glad her being too forgiving is gonna be talked about! Because overall, she has been much nicer to Javi than she should be lmao

I’m excited to see how we’re gonna get through this and I also definitely hope we get to see Javi working for it. Like he’s always kinda had Paloma running after him and I would like to see him having to run after her for once 😂 girlie, please make him work for it! I know it’s hard but when he’s all like “I’m sorry 🥺” don’t just fall for the puppy dog eyes and 👏🏻 make 👏🏻 him 👏🏻 work 👏🏻 for 👏🏻 it!!!’

(Thanks for accepting my ramblings in your inbox, I had a lot of feelings and I’m glad to talk about it with you!!! And even tho I am pissed, you’re a wonderful writer and I’m sure once we get to the fluff, all is forgiven hahaha! 💕💕💕💕💕💕)

that man is so FUCKING confusing like i wouldn’t even give him the time of day had i been in paloma’s shoes i’m just saying

we should all gang up on august idk idk he’s gotta go.. quickly!!

yeah the effort has lacked severely homeboy has been dealing with … well everything else … half assing the IMPORTANT things !! how do you claim to want to be a better man but then go make it harder for yourself ... it just doesn’t make any sense javi plssss

communication never fully happened on either end which is me digging into that frustrating miscommunication trope that i love to hate and hate to loveeee

but i see what you’re saying i just have a penchant for writing morally gray characters and having them do dumb shit bc i like to watch them suffer 😋 pero like yes the ick wasssss realllll and she just so happened to be the one who was there when he was peak frustrated and stressed with all the bs with the case (seeing the photo of paloma’s mother not knowing it was her and just thinking he’s seeing her everywhere really set him off) …. not an excuse but unfortunately our boy was straight up lost in the coital bliss and tbh i did initially have him chastising himself more for it in an original draft but cut it out bc i thought i was rambling too much 😫 but i’ll def have to circle back to it whenever they talk things out…..

i’m sorry but how can we expect her NOT to immediately forgive him when he looks like THIS

gif cred

SOMEBODY SEDATE MEEEEE 😫😫😫

your words are too kind seriously thank you so much 🩷

[flying-elliska]

I was so immersed in skam fandom, one of the first that I actually got into completely, that I forget that like other fandoms exist? Basically, I witnessed a lot of buffoonery in the skam fandom. It was nice with all the fanfics and meta but like it got wild and it’s one of the reasons I bowed out cause the anxiety was real man. But I’ve kind of entered into 911? But really it’s mostly just the fanfic because I go into the tag sometimes when an episode comes out but honestly ppl are WILD. Like Oliver stark had to deactivate because ppl won’t stop. And I’m over here like whaaat? I know ppl can freak out online and it’s one thing to make posts about it but like actors are real ppl and I really don’t understand the disconnect ppl have when they say shit to the actors. Like they don’t care or take into account that ppl are real and they are not their characters. It’s such a bummer and probably why I’ll stay in the land buddie fan fic lol

Wow this is so real like skamiverse fandom can def be a fucking circus sometimes and it's tempting to blame skam specific stuff like the live format etc

But yeah in fact each fandom unfortunately has its share of people who are either seriously deranged, too young to be online unsupervised, lacking any sort of decency, or at the very least have seriously lost touch with reality that they think it's okay to treat real people like this over made up shit.

It's so wack to me that people have invested so much of their identity and feelings in these stories that they fly off the handle like this. And this has a tendency unfortunately to get worse w queer pairings often bc media representation has come to be seen as a substitute for actual political activism so they see it as: not giving me the queer pairing I want = you must hate gay people = you deserve death threats (or something).

It's honestly such a shame bc it ruins the fandom for the rest of us. Like I read this and half of my enthusiasm for next ep was already gone, like this is so cringe I dont want to be associated with this. It would have been fun to see Oliver Stark liveblog the finale but I guess we can't have nice things.

And I mean I definitely think this is partly bc social media is specifically made to turn every possible human interaction into hot garbage for the algorithm but some people also really need to take a good look in the mirror.

I don't get the whole "haha bullying celebrities online is fun" thing ; sure they're rich and famous (and I mean in this case he's just a moderately well known TV actor so like...) but when it comes to it they're still one person facing a mass of people throwing insults their way which is not fun for anybody. And I know a lot of people doing that shit like to pretend that the power dynamics are in their favor because they're younger or not famous or whatever and the people they attack should "get over it" but it's like...just a bad faith excuse for being a piece of garbage. The way some people act like their faves somehow belong to them now bc of their support and they can do or say whatever and attack them for not giving them everything they want is so dehumanizing and gross.

[alexmercermolina]

Tagged by @meangirlsx – thank u babe love ya!!

coffee or tea: 

i don’t really drink either all that much but i do love a good tea when my mom makes it for me, and i LOVE iced coffee with all the sugar so it doesn’t taste like coffee lmao - soph

both pretty much any way except I can’t deal with caffeinated coffee cause i’m weak - ellie

early bird or night owl: 

night owl 100%, i hate waking up early - soph

early bird (but only when i’m happy lmaoo) - ellie

chocolate or vanilla: 

i can only stomach chocolate on certain occasions but when i can it’s the BEST - soph

chocolate!! - ellie

spring or fall: 

fall for sure it’s so cute with the leaves changing - soph

uhh spring because summer is my favourite season so at least I know it’s coming up but tbh i don’t love spring or fall i’m very much a summer and winter person - ellie

silver or gold: 

gold probably it’s so pretty - soph

umm both?? - ellie

pop or alternative: 

idk what alternative is anymore but i do love a good pop song - soph

either!!- ellie 

freckles or dimples: 

FRECKLES I LOVE THEM SO MUCH - soph 

SAME ABOUT THE FRECKLES - ellie

snakes or sharks: 

sneks - soph

i fucking love sharks like snakes are rad too but sharks are just SO COOL  - ellie

mountains or fields: 

i love gallivanting through a field and i have asthma so i feel like climbing a mountain would be bad news for me BUT theyre so pretty - soph

a field on a mountain - ellie

thunder or lightning: 

both at the same time (this just happened and it was so pretty) - soph

BOTH i love a storm - ellie

Egyptian mythology or Greek mythology: 

greek mythology for sure, i had a class on it in high school and it’s just so interesting - soph

Okay tbh I’ve never gotten super into either but Egyptian but I also studied like lots of diff mythologies in university and I gotta say my faves were Mesopotamian and Mesoamerican - ellie

ivory or scarlet: 

scarlet prob - soph

scarlet i guess - ellie

flute or lyre: 

i tried to play the flute once and it did not go well and the lyre is kinda like a guitar which i can play so that - soph

Yeah i agree i’m going with the lyre mainly cause i am so bad at the flute and could probably make something similar to music on a lyre - ellie

opal or diamond: 

opal is sooooo pretty - soph

opal cause diamonds are unnecessary and shouldn’t be expensive - ellie

butterflies or honeybees: 

both!!! im getting a butterfly tattoo once covid calms down more but i love bees so much - soph

i mean both i LOVE bugs but probably bees I really want to have a beehive one day - ellie

macaroons or eclairs: 

eclairs for sure, but i do love the coconut macaroons (not the french ones though) - soph

i don’t LOVE either but eclairs but i like making macarons cause they’re pretty - ellie

typewritten or handwritten: 

im a way faster typer but i think handwritten things are so cute - soph

handwritten cause i’m tired of being on my computer lol - ellie

secret garden or secret library: 

oooooh a garden to get lost in for sure - soph

GARDEN - ellie

rooftop or balcony: 

ok so like usually i’d say rooftop but during covid we were stuck sitting on our roof when we wanted to be outside and our next door neighbours had a balcony and they had so much more space to do things ya know? - soph

uh def a balcony for soph’s reasons - ellie

spicy or mild: 

spicy in moderation and also depending on the day! - soph

SPICY ALWAYS i don’t like food unless it’s a little painful - ellie

opera or ballet: 

ballet - soph

ballet for sure - ellie

London or Paris:

 i’ve been to london for like 18 hours and it was cute but i didn’t get to see all the sights, so i’d go back there! but also paris so i can improve my french - soph

okay so i actually lived in both cities somehow lmaoo and i think paris??? cause it has better and cheaper food mostly - ellie

Vincent van Gogh or Claude Monet: 

ooooh monet i think but also van gogh was a legend - soph

def van gogh - ellie

denim or leather: 

denim 1000000% the amount of mom jeans and dad shorts i own.....embarrassing - soph

denim denim denim - ellie

potions or spells: 

spells for sure theyre so much less effort - soph

potions cause i like cooking - ellie

ocean or desert: 

ocean!!!! - soph

omg uh both but i’m going with desert cause i miss being warm - ellie

mermaids or sirens: 

mermaids for sure - we just watched H2O just add water and now i wanna be a mermaid sooo bad - soph

for sure mermaids for soph’s reasons - ellie

masquerade ball or cocktail party: 

a masquerade ball would be so fun but like not like in shows where no one recognizes each other cause that’s unrealistic lmao - soph

anything where i get to wear something fancy cause i never get to wear fancy things - ellie

blue or red: 

red! - soph

red! - ellie

tomato or cucumber: 

i used to hate tomatoes but now i’m getting back into them so i think i’ll go with that (but cucumbers make pickles and i loooooove pickles) - soph

tomatoes are like 70% of my diet - ellie

sunrise or sunset: 

sunset, theyre so stunning - soph

sunrise!! - ellie

jellyfish or angelfish: 

jellyfish are so funny like they literally just sting you and then you have to pee on it???? hysterical - soph

i don’t even know what an angelfish is lmao - ellie

sheer or opaque: 

probably opaque unless it’s a going out top and then i love a good sheer - soph

sheer cause why not - ellie

forest or hallway: 

this is such a random comparison so i guess forest - soph

forest ofc - ellie

we tag @willieandalex @oozing-chemistry @phantomsalex @perfectharmony @incorrect-jatp-quotes @only-here-for-jatp @sunsetjulies and whoever else wants to!!!! xx

[ttlmt]

Ooo, I didn't know you play guitar! I've been thinking about picking it up but I'm not sure where to start. What's your favorite thing about the guitar and do you have any favorite songs to play on it?

i do!! i talk a bit more about how i started here, essentially i took lessons years ago, hated them, taught myself ukulele, and then in 2019 i decided to pick it up again and i loved it and now i play all the time.

its not a super difficult instrument to teach yourself, i found it easier to start with something smaller like a ukulele and then move up (i have very short stubby hands so chord shapes were very difficult when i first started lmao) but with practice, its not too bad. most of the regular chords are pretty easy or can be modified to be easy, theres so many tutorials and tips online, and you don’t have to read sheet music! i def suggest getting a capo right away, which allows you to change the key of your guitar really easily. some people would say its cheating, in my opinion it just allowed me to play the songs i wanted easily without getting frustrated cause i could use easier chords and not get stuck.

for me, playing any instrument is very calming and a good distraction. it gives my adhd brain just the right amount of stimulation where im doing something with my hands, trying to remember chords and stuff with my brain, and also get to sing and make music which i love so much, so i guess thats probably my favourite thing.

in terms of favourite songs: pretty much whatever im listening to at the moment lol. so rn its a lot of rks (first class is one of my faves), harry styles, noah reid, noah kahan, and adam melchor. i also really love playing “little black submarines” and “house of the rising sun” cause theyre sort of moderate difficulty, i adore the sound of them, and they make me feel like a rockstar lmao cause i usually play more acoustic songs.

i wish you all the luck!! it is v fun and super cool to be able to like play an instrument and jam with friends. i’m by no means an expert, i just play for fun and im completely self taught so this is all opinion, but its def something i really love to do (and talk about apparently lol sorry this is so long). if you ever want tips or to chat hmu!

[thedreamsmith]

Strip

[not-poignant]

Congrats on starting your DBH fic! I feel like it was almost a rushed decision for you? Like you just woke up one morning and went, 'Yup. I'm doing it'. Anyway, it's awesome and you're awesome and the first chapter is awesome! By the way, any DBH recs? :) What did you like? The guys went wild with content over the summer.

By the way, any DBH recs? :) What did you like? 

I know I say it a lot, and it still holds true, but I write fic when I can’t find exactly what I want to read. I’m just a really fussy fucker. So the only reason I’m actually kind of ante-ing up to write in this fandom is because I’m not really finding the kinds of fics I specifically want to read, though there’s a lot of good material out there for sure (I’m not reading any now, because I don’t want to mess up the worldbuilding I’m starting to put together in my head lmao - please don’t rec me stuff! I may not read it for like a year at this point, lol, I’m mostly sticking to PWPs). Though I do really enjoy Scratch by L1av.

I feel like it was almost a rushed decision for you?

I’ve actually been thinking of committing to a fanfiction project for about 3 months (even longer actually, def before TGATNW was finished). I was just fandom-hopping until I found the right idea. I came really close to committing to a Homestuck fic idea (which I still like tbh), and I came moderately close to playing Dragon Age 2 as research, but really wasn’t happy with the overall idea for Cold Red Light.

I stumbled into Detroit Become Human re: the same way I did Dragon Age - through the fanart, and finding the premise intriguing. When I saw like, two Reverse AU artwork pieces on Twitter, I knew that was where I wanted to aim my sights? Idk if I have anything good to offer to the fandom, but I do know what I want to write and why I want to write it.

The thing about fanfiction is that I can be rushed about it. I can break all my schedule rules. I can do it just because it’s fun and I feel like it, and it doesn’t have to be a majorly thought through decision. It reminds me that I’m like...a person and not a word machine (which I sometimes feel like, which is no one else’s fault but my own, but the way for me to fix it is to write fanfiction). Do I have a chapter plan? No! Do I have an idea of exactly where I’m going? No! Do I plan on regular scheduled updates? Nope! Does it feel amazing? It really fucking does!

I learned a long time ago that writing fanfiction alongside original fiction might make the original fiction come slower, but it makes me a much stronger and happier writer. Which is why I had been idling like a car in neutral and keeping my eyes peeled for fanfiction projects I wanted to commit to (because I wanted something new, too). I love writing Fae Tales, but Fae Tales is also tied to income, which is tied to sometimes worrying about health and money and shit. I will never not love Fae Tales, but sometimes it feels really great to do something just because it’s fun, detached from everything else. That’s why thespectaclesofthor account exists in the first place.

So me deciding to commit to this fic did happen somewhat impulsively, but me deciding to commit to a big fanfiction project in general? That did not. In fact if anything I’m super excited about this, because if I’ve like, rushed to get the words out in the chapter (it has been beta’ed!) it’s a sign that I’m really rejuvenated/enthused about writing, and it’s a great, great feeling. I’m so excited to share this story with others, even if only 20 people read it. :D 

Like, The Wind that Cuts the Night was impulsive. Stuck on the Puzzle was wicked impulsive (I literally saw a Bull/Cullen week prompt for ‘kink negotiation’, wrote something, and then thought ‘oh I guess I’ll write more then’ when people didn’t hate it). It’s...part of the magic of fanfiction in some ways. I love it. I’m very lucky to experience that rush of excitement, and I’m trying to have faith it will see me through to the end of the project, because it has before. :D

[ackleholics]

bitch i demand you answer all 60.

u r a MENACE

1. selfie

alrdy done

2. what would you name your future kids?

lmao im never gonna have kids rip. but i do have two smol sons and they are magnus and alec

3. do you miss anyone?

yep :/

4. what are you looking forward to?

alrdy done

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

def. harry, matt, isaiah. Hamish and andy. my friends sometimes (not u nat ur a butthead)

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

definitely. if i miss them i pretty much never get over it. if it’s someone im mad at that i normally forget em p quickly so LOL

7. what was your life like last year?

the same cept i was Less Woke™

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

no? that’s a thing?

9. who did you last see in person?

mum

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

yep i sure damn hope so

11. are you listening to music right now?

nope. only rlly listen to it when im writing. otherwise it distracts me

12. what is something you want right now?

my pACKAGE TO QARRIVE ALREADY JFC

13. how do you feel right now?

Tired, Depressed™, chill, the usual

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

probs my cousin at my bday or smth i dunno

15. personality description

Depressed™

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

im p blunt most of the time. things i keep secret r secrets ppl tell me to keep or if im crushing.

17. opinion on insecurities.

depends. im insecure about like, a few things, but a lot of things i’m just liek eh whatever about. like if ppl judge u for who u r then that’s they’re business and u can’t do anything about it so

18. do you miss how thing were a year ago?

nah

19. have you ever been to New York?

nope. would totes go to meet matt tho :P

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

errrrrr. pink’s song maybe?

21. age and birthday?

19 and if u kno my bday u kno it good for u

22. description of crush.

don’t currently have one. my last one was… well, it didn’t work out ill just say that XD

23. fear(s)

im p scared of ppl u look up to turning out to be homophobes/assholes ngl

24. height

5″10′ish

25. role model

hmm. i don’t rlly think i have one specifically. for themes, Slut Jensen. for writing…. there are a  lot of fanfic writers i adore. for graphics, @galaxystiel @stardustsam @hallowedbecastiel etc etc.

26. idol(s)

is there a difference between this and role models? is it more like celebrities? i guess Tahmoh Penikett, Andy samberg, Misha Collins, Tyler Hoechlin, Dylan O'Brien, Lee Majdoub, Josh Hutcherson, Colin O'donoghue…. idk there’s a lot

27. things i hate

homophobes, acephobes, ppl who think asexuals shouldn’t be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, general shitty ppl.

28. i’ll love you if…

u like shows i like. u have similar opinions or have ones that enhance/better my own. 

29. favourite film(s)

spirited away. eagle eye. thor ragnarok

30. favourite tv show(s)

supernatural shadowhunters b99 lucifer designated survivor DGHDA idk there’s a lot

31. 3 random facts

alrdy done

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

both. depends. on tumblr mainly girls cause i like, don’t know any guys. wait no i have 1 guy friend on tumblr. for gaming it’s guys and girls

33. something you want to learn

ASL or AUSLAN. Jscript/other codes. 

34. most embarrassing moment

GOD SO MANY.

35. favourite subject

does sleeping count?

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

become a successful author, find someone that makes me happy and will be my life partner, meet matt/harry/isiah/jensen/jared/misha/TAHMOH etc etc

37. favourite actor/actress

tAHMOH FRIGGIN PENIKETT

38. favourite comedian(s)

hamish and andy. bo burnham. Conan obrien. 

39. favourite sport(s)

NONE LMAO. video gaming there

40. favourite memory

oooo this is a lot of pressure. um idk there’s a few. i can’t think of any super recent. i got to stare at tahmoh once from a distance and that was p awesome

41. relationship status

sadly, single

42. favourite book(s)

books? pfft. i only know fanfiction

43. favourite song ever

EVER? holy shit um. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJfFZqTlWrQ

44. age you get mistaken for

i normally get mistaken for younger than older.

45. how you found out about your idol

tahmoh penikett, through supernatural, tho i saw him first on castle i think? or around the same time. and then i watched doll house for him

46. what my last text message says

im gonna make pozza first

47. turn ons

none lmfao????? i don’t like..... 0.o how does an ace answer this

but er if i had to give an answer i like ppls eyes. i appreciate honesty and genuity. i like when ppl are themselves.

48. turn offs

lying, cheating, homophobia, casual racism etc etc

49. where i want to be right now

a billionaire in some quiet suburb in a cozy apartment with ridiculously fast unlimited wifi.

50. favourite picture of your idol

51. starsign

aries yeh?

52. something i’m talented at

pfft im an untalented dirt bag. im moderately good at coding i guess

53. 5 things that make me happy

sleeping. writing. reading. TV (most of the time) and my friends (on occasion :P)

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

that im gonna be mailed anthrax

55. tumblr friends

The BatSquad ofc (also check my updates tab)

56. favourite food(s)

cHICKEN!!!!! PIZZA!!!! NACHOS!!!!! NANDOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

57. favourite animal(s)

owls, foxes, cats, dogs, tigers, lions, snakes, literally all of them p much

58. description of my best friend

i can’t pick just one fuck off. 

59. why i joined tumblr

for tyler hoechlin and teen wolf and sterek

60. ask me anything you want

Galaxystiel: hey im an asshole right? for making u do all of these questions in one go.

Me: Yep

*totally a conversation that happened*

these are actually nice you fucking nerd- ASK GAME

[keithharingmural]

all the even asks!!!!

2 - What age did I realize I first liked girls: In 7th grade at age 12 when couples started dating for the first time and I realized I didn’t like boys the same way other girls did4 - at what age did I come out: i came out to a few friends at the end of 9th grade but I didn’t come out to everyone until two weeks ago!6 - Has coming out lost any friends: nope! I’m lucky, I actually gained more friends because I became more tied to the gay community at my school8 - how many gay friends do I have: idk but not nearly enough lmao. maybe like 10 gay and bi friends 10 - have I ever cut my hair short: no my hair is long and it looks better that way12 - how much do I like cats: im actually allergic lmao. still love them though but im more of a dog person14 - do I like high heels: nah not my thing 16 - how good is my gaydar: honestly it’s pretty good. it’s def improved over time18 - how I feel when straight girls call each other “girlfriends” : I hate it and it’s the dumbest thing ever like stfu!!!!!!! 20 - Ellen or Portia: im not like emotionally attached to either of them so idk lol22 - do I want to get married: FUCK YEAH IMMA HAVE A GAY ASS WEDDING AND GET MARRIED TO MY GAY ASS WIFE AND YALL ARE ALL INVITED WOOP24 - do I want to give birth: NO!! I find it really creepy having someone with the same genes and looks like me like biological children seems scary to me. also I have ovary problems too. but i def want to adopt26 - have I ever dated a guy: one time in 8th grade a boy asked me to the movies and I said yes but then cried for hours and avoided him until I went to a different high school and never saw him again so I don’t think that counts as dating 28 - how many rainbow items do I own: damn like none :/30 - do I celebrate coming out day: i came out 10 days before COD but i still recognize it32- have I ever worn a suit : no I’m more comfortable in feminine clothes 34 - do I eat meat: i was vegetarian for a few years like 5th-7th grade but I’m not anymore so yeah I eat meat36 - my favorite LGBTQ celebrity : this is sooo hard to choose but probably hayley kiyoko bc she’s a big inspiration to me38 - how often to I catch myself checking out girls : I think the whole checking out culture is really something only straight guys do and I feel uncomfortable looking at girls in any inappropriate way. if i am starring at a girl it’s always just her face bc I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable 40 - am I comfortable with lesbian slurs : on tumblr I think they are funny to use but I don’t really use them in real life and i def wouldn’t want a straight person to aim them towards me42 - how outdoorsy am I : moderately I guess. im a cabin camping girl tho44- LD relationship : no luckily46 - how long my longest relationship: only been in one bc the girl I dated was having lots of home troubles and wasn’t in the place for a relationship so we broke it off48 - can people really be 50/50 bisexual : that’s not really up for me to decide. personally the bi people I know are either more straight or more gay but that’s only my personal experience and I’m sure some people are split 50 - lesbian youtubers: I watch rose and rosie sometimes ! couple goals tbh52 - have I been hit on by a girl : yah it’s great54 - past gfs : just one56 - personal meaning of equality : it means no person has lesser opportunity to achieve their goals simply because of an aspect of their life where they might be different than others58 - have I ever shared clothes with a gf : yeah I still have her shirt she gave me ….60 - how flirty am I : it’s hard being flirty when you’re gay bc if the person you hit on isn’t gay it gets disastrous 62 - do I listen to LGBTQ musicians : yes!! hayley kiyoko, troye sivan, (harry styles 👀👀) , etc 64 - discrimination : fortunately I haven’t faced anything major but it’s just that I can’t talk about my experiences being gay without fear of backlash66 - was I ever a tomboy : when I was little I was a HUGE tomboy, some people even thought I was a boy bc I wore boy clothes and had short hair and loved masculine activities. it’s kinda funny now bc im a femme68 - favorite physical trait - looooove nice thighs. like,, im a huge sucker for thighs and it’s a big weakness of mine70 - beer or wine : none! champagne bc im a high class bitch72 - how attractive are masculine women : 1-10 it’s 10 billion!!!!!74 - girls with tattoos : also 10 billion!!!!76 - girls with short hair - a zillion !!!!78 - intelligent women - really hot as long as they aren’t arrogant80 - period same time as gf : yup lol82 - do I have a purse ; always for as long as I can remember 84 - have I ever pretended to be straight : way too often86 - gay women on TV : almost always sexualized to appeal to straight male audiences and honestly it’s disgusting88 - celebrity crushes : im going to marry rosamund pike one day and that’s The Tea90 - love at first sight : like I believe in attraction at first sight but you don’t even know the person so imma say no92 - best place to meet a gf : I guess places like college make meeting new people v easy94 - have I had a one night stand : im 16 so no lmao96 - have I played softball : no98 - disagree with stereotype : that gay and bi women are predatory and have the male gaze, which we don’t 100 - advice : Being gay is so much better than you might think at the moment, find your time when you’re comfortable coming out and live your life freely bc you only get one!

[kummerspeck-griefbacon]

2017

Weeeeeeeelllllpppp! It’s a New Year, and I’m ready to start working on this blog again. I really couldn’t have procrastinated more if I tried, but whatever, I’m here now, it’s only January 2nd, so I’m not that far out of the game. I’ve been re-reading Jory Ames “Weight Loss Journey: Changing My Life One Story and One Pound at a Time”, and it has really inspired me to start up the blog again, I feel it is key to my weight loss journey to share my frustrations as well as my successes as Ms. Ames has done. She was the first woman to write the book that I wanted to write, and it def helped that she is an older woman (she’s 54- I’m 47), she is the same height as me (5′4″) and she is/was in the same weight category (she starts the book at 210, and resolves to lose 10 lbs per month for 6 months to get to 150). I would LOVE to lose 10 lbs per month but I don’t know if that’s possible for ME, she definitely proves that it IS possible (I think from reading it the first time that she doesn’t make it all the way in 6 months, but she does come pretty close.

Let me update you since I wrote last, well over a year ago- nothing has changed, weight-wise. I’m probably right around where I was. Actually, I’m sure I weigh more, because I quit smoking around the last entry and as of today, I am still quit. That is something I am very proud of- something I really never thought I could or would do. I was one of those smokers that really enjoyed smoking 90% of the time. I quit on 9/30/15, so I’ve stopped for over 15 months. I feel secure in quitting after I hit the year mark, but I know people go back at the drop of a hat, so I try not to get too cocky, especially since my entire family smokes. My husband quit a few months after I did and he has stayed quit, so that is fantastic. I feel like nothing would cause me to go back to smoking except a horrible tragedy, so I leave it at that. But quitting has taught me one thing- if I could do that, I can do anything. It wasn’t even as hard as I expected. Don’t you hate when people say shit like that? But it wasn’t- I used the patch, which I had never tried before, the one with the steps. So I guess that gave me enough nicotine in my system to keep me from punching people in the throat, and then I bought cartridges for my e-cigarette that had 0% nicotine, so I could still have the feel of a cigarette and the inhaling and the “smoke”. The e-cig helped for a very short while- it really can’t compare to a real cig, and it seemed to give me a weird cough, so I just kept it around and didn’t use it much, but I knew it was there if I needed it. So with those tools, it was much easier than I expected (BITCH- I know!), but the main thing was I knew I was ready to give them up forever, and the other times I had tried to quit (not many, because I did like to smoke), I couldn’t get on board with the quit forever thing, so I always wound up telling myself I could have just one, and just one always leads to another.

But anyway, back to the WEIGHT, after I gained about 15-20lbs from quitting smoking (and it happened QUICKLY- within 3 months), I found myself at the beginning of 2016 hating myself, and more determined than ever to lose the weight. I was very depressed about the weight- I was heavier than I had ever been, I think at one point I reached 221. And if the gain wasn’t bad enough, I found that no matter what I did, I would not lose. I could not drop the weight. I bought the Cize dance program to dance the fat away- I didn’t stick with it. And I was trying to not do anything drastic diet-wise- I can’t do all day protein waters, or starvation, or binging/purging- I just don’t have the desire to punish myself, I’ve done that for so long and it’s only gotten me where I am. Finally I decided to see a therapist- if I couldn’t lose the weight, I needed to find a way to like myself, because I was really low, and I can’t afford to be depressed- I have too much to do- I have a family to take care of, I have 2 dogs with special needs and a cat, I work from home with my husband and it’s a very demanding job, and I have a house to run. I don’t have time to be depressed. Two things occurred to me around this time:

1- I realized that if I had never gone on a diet starting at 13 years old, I bet I would weigh much less than I do now. Years of diets has taken a toll on my body and my health. And more than that, the really heartbreaking thing is all the years I have spent hating myself, for what?

DID I EVER MANAGE TO HATE MYSELF THIN? NO- I DIDN’T.

2- I want to weigh 125. My older self knows that 140 is a much more realistic goal, given my age, the fact that I am in (or close to) pre-menopause, I possibly have PCOS, and how far I have to go. Then the diet-educated part of myself knows that the yo-yo dieting over the years has probably raised my body’s natural weight set point, so who knows? When I went in to therapy, I decided that if I could get to under 180, I could be happy with myself because that’s when all of my health problems began- aching hips, back, knees: snoring, cystic acne, etc.

AGAIN- I COULDN’T FIND A WAY TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AS I WAS, BUT SUCH IS THE SICKNESS.

I live in a small town, so I had to just cross my fingers and hope that the therapist I got was a good one, because not many accept my insurance. I got lucky- I saw Risa for about 5 months, built up my self esteem, started standing up for myself and doing good things for me and my body, and she pronounced me “cured”, with the understanding that I could call her if I needed her. That was a proud moment for me because I usually don’t finish things, and it made me feel even better about her as a doctor/therapist because she could’ve taken my money forever (my mother saw a therapist for over 10 years) so I was worried that she would never let me go and I would have to quit and be a quitter. During therapy I started taking daily walks with my dog and started yoga, and I lost a few pounds, between 5-8.

I was still of the mindset that diets don’t work, and that I have to heal my relationship with food and my body, gently, with no punishing diets, Geneen Roth style, Susie Orbach style. I still believe all the things they say- eat when hungry, eat what you are hungry for, eat with no distractions, stop when you are full. I believe what they are saying, but I cannot make it work for me. And try as I might, I cannot accept myself at this weight. Wait, no- I can accept myself at this weight, but I do hate it, and I know with every fiber of my being that this is not me- this is not how I am supposed to be. I will be more comfortable when my joints don’t ache, and I don’t have high blood pressure. So something has to give.

I was gentle as I could be with myself until I got a year of no smoking under my belt- I knew I had to give myself the time to adjust to that. I was angry about the

weight gain, but it’s not like I was surprised- I knew it would happen. I probably would have gone back to smoking if I knew for sure that I would lose those 15-20 pounds. But I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I had to stay the course. 

As soon as I hit the year mark, I heard about “Bright Line Eating”, and it resonated with me. Bright Lines are like boundaries that you don’t cross. Ever. And if you do cross them, you go right back to the boundaries. You resume. Bright Lines were NO SUGAR and NO FLOUR. White Lines. Bright Lines. Addictive as cocaine, flour and sugar are. Made perfect sense to me. There were other bright lines I wasn’t ready to get on board with- weighing your food, eating 3 times per day. Period. Writing down the next day’s food and eating only what you wrote. I didn’t care about those. But no sugar and no flour sounded good. So, starting on Oct 3rd, and weighing 212, I started an atkins-like diet, except I could eat potatoes, rice, fruit and triscuits, although in moderation. I still would have an afternoon snack, but no evening snack. I got used to it pretty quickly, and was feeling good. Decided to weigh every two weeks. After the first 2 weeks, I lost 6 lbs. I was writing down what I ate. The diet looked like this:

Breakfast- 2 cups of coffee with cream, no artificial sweeteners allowed.

6 triscuits with natural peanut butter and a banana.

Lunch- Chef Salad

Snack- 20 raw almonds and 1 babybel cheese

Dinner- Taco meat on arugula

Thanksgiving came and I was worried because my Mom was coming and usually diets go right out the window when Mom comes. I had already decided that I was going to allow myself stuffing and gravy. I didn’t allow myself peanut butter cookies, which I love. I was so proud of myself. But the scale just got more and more depressing. I managed to get to 198.6 (which thrilled me because I love getting under 200- 200 is the number that I really can’t stand), but then 2 weeks would go by with no loss, and then 2 weeks later, 2 pound gain, and then 2 weeks later, nothing. I was like “Really? Already?” When you have 75lbs to lose, you don’t expect to get stalled 10lbs in. That’s part of the problem, too- those pesky expectations. 

Finally, I gave in and broke my bright lines about a week before Christmas. I was tentative at first, but then it was like the “just one cigarette”- yesterday found me swigging liberally at egg nog throughout the day (and there are like 500 calories in a half a cup of eggnog!) Funny thing about eggnog- I was watching “Mike & Molly” the other day- Molly was depressed about something, swigging nog from the container, sitting on the couch near Vince. Vince says “I never understand how you can drink that stuff without the liquor- it’s basically pancake batter!” OMG- I almost peed my pants- it’s so true. But even seeing that didn’t put me off the stuff, unfortunately. But yes- I’ve been eating all of the peanut butter cookies I missed at Thanksgiving, and plenty of chocolate!

Ok- this post is long enough, so here’s the plan:

Plan A- I am going to try HCG drops for the next month- 2 days of carb loading followed by 3 or 4 weeks of a strict diet- no breakfast, except coffee (I must have my coffee), then protein plus veggies for lunch and dinner. If I make it that far, then I have a few weeks of a modified plan to ease me in to regular eating. I can expect to lose 20-30 lbs if I am successful.

After Plan A has been completed (I could do another round, but I have to wait 8 weeks after the original 28 days before trying again), or if Plan A is not completed,

Plan B- Weight Watchers. I’ve never tried it, and I believe that new things work the first time around (like the nicotine patches worked for me). This year I can afford it, I work from home so I can go to the Tuesday 9:30 am meetings. And I love me some Oprah! I love the idea of Weight Watchers because:

1- Supposedly, you can eat whatever you want, nothing is off limits

2- Weekly weigh ins- never done that, either. I would think that keeps you motivated

3- Camaraderie- maybe I can make some new like-minded friends.

Ok- that’s enough for today, I’ll be back tomorrow with the dreaded weight. I haven’t weighed in several weeks, so I’m anxious/worried to see what the number is.

Do you have any goals this year? Let’s do it together!

[thedreamsmith]

Strip

Warnings: Explicit sex, language, moderate violence

Pairing: Dean x OFC

Summary: When a succubus starts killing off clients at a strip cub, Dean comes up with a creative way to catch the monster...

Rhea idly tapped her foot against the back of the front bench of the Impala in time to the music blaring from the stereo. Sam was dozing in the front seat, lulled into unconsciousness by the scorching Kanas sun - if his snores were anything to go by.

Dean was in a rare, happy mood; humming along to the music and drumming his hands on the wheel.

As lovely as the vintage Chevvy looked, it had to have the shittiest air conditioning that she had ever seen – though Dean would give her hell if she dared bring it up. Tipping her head back, Rhea resigned herself to a slow, sweaty death. 

She was just considering poking Sam awake for some kind of entertainment when she felt the car slow down, Dean slapping the back of his brother’s head as they parked up outside a surprisingly classy-looking building.

‘Are you sure this is it?’ Rhea sat up with a yawn, eyeing the gleaming windows and tidy flower planters beneath them. ‘Thought this place was supposed to be a strip joint?’

‘You clearly haven’t been to the right kind of strip clubs.’ Dean twisted in his seat to grin at her, the sunlight illuminating the flecks of hazel in his eyes.

Rolling her eyes, she sat forward, resting her chin on the back of the front bench.

Classy or not, this club had had four of its clientele turn up dead just hours after leaving the place and after some research, it hadn’t been difficult to work out that a succubus was masquerading as one of the dancers.

‘Well how are we gonna do this then? We can’t just walk in and start chanting Latin at the strippers.’

‘FBI?’ Sam flicked through a sheaf of fake IDs.

‘I’m not wearin’ a monkey suit in this weather.’ Dean flicked his hand at the sign taped to the inside of the club’s central window. ‘Besides, I have a better idea.’

Sam and Rhea squinted against the light in an attempt to make out the words.

‘Not a fucking chance.’

                                                                            ****

 As it turned out, there had been a chance, and Rhea tried to wipe the scowl from her features as she pushed through the club’s heavy double doors with the Winchesters in tow. Once her eyes had adjusted to the change in ambience, she cast her gaze around the spacious interior, taking in the bar along one wall and the stage and runway dominating the central space. Private booths along the wall adjacent to the bar, a door that must lead backstage in the far corner.

They were greeted by a slight man in his early forties, wearing a suit that probably cost more than she could get from hustling poker in a whole month. A diamond stud glimmered in his right ear as he rose from one of the plush velvet chairs facing the stage. Behind him, a mountain of a man eyed the three of them stonily.

‘Hi.’ Pasting on what she hoped was a friendly smile, Rhea stopped short of who she presumed was the owner of the establishment. ‘I’ve come to audition for the job opening. My friends here are looking to start as bouncers.’

The man’s eyes flicked to the brothers behind her before sweeping over her in a manner that seemed more like professional appraisal than a lecherous once-over.

‘Wonderful.’ His smile reached his eyes - so blue they almost glowed. ‘I’m Liam Hanover, the proprietor of the Blue Iris. Why don’t you speak to our DJ? He can get your song choice set up and then once you’ve performed, I can give you a tour. Mark will interview the boys while I’m showing you around.’

Fantastic. She’d at least counted on Sam and Dean being otherwise occupied while she had to do this. So instead of shooting the elder Winchester in the kneecaps like she was desperate to, Rhea grinned winningly back at Liam.

‘Sounds good.’

                                                                                      *****

 The opening chords to the Def Leppard song she’d chosen blared from the club’s hidden sound system as she stepped onto the runway. She hadn’t been particularly creative with her music choice; ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ was a pretty stereotypical stripper song, but at least it had an easy beat to follow.

Liam had lent her a pair of stilettos to dance in, she just prayed she wouldn’t break her ankle in them. It had been years since she’d danced, and even then it had been ballet, not pole dancing 101.

Sam and Dean were sat with Liam and the huge bouncer at the front of the stage, drinks in hand.

Bastards.

But even as she cursed them, she couldn’t stop the heat from pooling in her core as the elder Winchester’s gaze bored into her. The room seemed too warm and suddenly taking her clothes off didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

With a slow breath, Rhea gripped the pole and began to dance, letting the music and Dean’s almost-burning attention lead her through the steps. She dropped and lifted with the beat, letting each roll of her hips become a seduction, each arch of her back an invitation.

Even if she didn’t have a hope in hell with Dean, she may as well pretend while she could.

Her tank top already on the stage behind her, she made a show of peeling off her denim shorts to reveal the lacy blank panties that matched her bra. There was no way that she was taking off more than that – this whole thing was bad enough – so she tried to make up for it with her moves.

As she parted her lips and rose from a particularly flexible move that had the insides of her thighs stinging, Rhea let herself fix her gaze on Dean. It wasn’t hard to tell what was going though his brain, but how many other women had he thought about like this?

It was all or nothing. That’s what she told herself at least; she didn’t want to end up as just another notch on his bedpost. But what were the chances that the infamous womanizer, Dean fucking Winchester, would want her for more than a night? He’d had plenty of opportunities to make a move in the two years that they’d been hunting together. Enough nights of just the two of them playing poker and drinking the Men of Letters’ expensive liquor together.

She sank to her knees as the final chords faded out, arching her back so that the ends of her hair pooled on the stage like fresh blood, her chest heaving from the dance and the gaze that she could still feel tracing her figure.

Poor Sam was probably just as uncomfortable as she was – the man thought of her as a sister. His little Magpie.

Rhea got to her feet to see Liam rise from his chair, grinning from ear to ear.

‘That was fantastic, darling.’ He clasped his hands together. ‘You’re a natural. Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll show you around?’

She nodded mutely as she tugged her shorts and vest top back on, suddenly unable to even look at Dean now that the show was over. Stilettos dangling from her fingers, she padded bare-foot off the stage, stepping into her converse she’d left near the hidden steps at the back of the room. From the corner of her eye, she saw Mark the Mountain gesture for the boys to follow him.

Liam held the door for her, leading her down a short corridor to a brightly lit changing room lined with mirrors and vanity tables. Racks upon racks of sparkling costumes lined the back wall.

‘This is the girls’ dressing room. There’s plenty of make-up and hair products, but you’re more than welcome to use your own.’

Rhea let her eyes drift around the space; nothing immediately screaming ‘a demon was here!�� Except…

‘What’s that smell?’ She wrinkled her nose slightly, for all the world looking like a potentially put-off new employee.

‘Ah, yes, that.’ A crease appeared between the shorter man’s eyebrows. ‘We’re not quite sure where it’s coming from – the dancers started talking about a faint smell of rotten eggs about a month ago. We’ve got plumbers coming out to check the drains next week, but honestly, once everyone is in here with their perfume and whatnot, you don’t even notice it.’

Right when the murders started.

Since none of the dancers were actually here at the moment, she was going to have to go further with this half-baked plan.

‘Fair enough. When can I start?’ Liam beamed, the worry melting from his face almost immediately.

‘How about a trial shift tomorrow night? If you get here about eleven, that gives you time to get your makeup and costume sorted.’ He shifted on his feet. ‘A few house rules though; twenty percent of your tips go to the house, but you won’t need to bribe anyone for perks. If any of the customers give you trouble, just alert one of the bouncers and they’ll take care of it. One of them will even walk you to your car if you need them to. Also, whether you sleep with any of the clientele – for financial gain or not – is your business, but just don’t get frisky on the premises – I’m not running a brothel. And if you’re not on stage, you’ll either be giving private dances or serving drinks. You got all that?’

Rhea blinked, taken aback at the sincerity in his voice.

‘I…uh…yeah sounds good.’ She released a breath. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way – but you seem to have a lot more…morals than the average strip club owner.’

Liam glanced at the floor, a smile lifting one corner of his mouth.

‘I grew up in…unfavourable circumstances and had to do some fairly distasteful things to get by. When I became the proprietor of this place, I figured that there would always be people who would need this kind of work, so I may as well create a safe place for them to do it. Besides,’ He shrugged. ‘The girls don’t exactly do it for me. My husband is a doctor, if you’d believe it. He runs a free monthly health clinic for all my employees.’

‘Seems fair.’ She nodded, ‘I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night then?’

‘See you then.’

                                                                ***

Rhea collapsed into the backseat of the Impala with an exaggerated groan.

‘I hate you both.’

‘What did I do?’ Sam’s voice climbed a few notes as he turned in his seat, a disbelieving expression on his face.

‘You went along with it. I don’t know.’ Rhea flapped one hand non-committally, her other arm flung over her eyes. ‘I’d say I’m never doing that again, but apparently I have a trial shift tomorrow night. We’re a go for demon activity – the back rooms stink of sulphur. I’ll let you know if I get a bead on the succubus - try and get the other dancers out of the way before we start exorcizing.’

‘Well only Sammy got the bouncer job, so it looks like I’ll just be there to enjoy the show.’ Dean caught her gaze in the rear-view mirror and smirked.

‘I didn’t manage to find any employee records for the dancers; it seems like Liam takes his girls on as independent contractors and doesn’t keep any of their information.’ Sam tapped his long fingers on the windowsill as Dean pulled away from the curb, seemingly oblivious to the syrup-thick sexual tension that had filled the Impala as entirely as the Kanas heat.

‘It shouldn’t be too difficult to work out which one is killing off their clients. I could always lace my perfume with holy water and spray it about; see whose sexy devil costume goes a bit deeper than the little horns and nipple tassels.’

‘I think Cas would have a holy heart attack if you got dressed up as an angel.’ Dean snickered. ‘Although we do know that Clarence has a thing for sexy devils.’

‘He’s not the only one.’  Sam muttered, earning a glare from his brother.

‘Dude, you have no leg to stand on here! I’m not the one who…’

Rhea tuned out the brothers’ bickering as she watched the sun-bleached storefronts pass by. As ironic as it would be, she sincerely hoped that Liam wouldn’t ask her to wear the devil costume that she’d seen hanging in the dressing room. At least, she consoled herself, it couldn’t be much worse than that.

                                                                            *****

As it turns out, it could be much worse.

Rhea stared mutely at her reflection as one of the other dancers, a lithe blonde with the stage name Rosie, applied the last of the emerald glitter to her cleavage.

Apparently, one of the other girls was off sick and Liam had needed her to fill in for her duet with Rosie.

And because the universe and Chuck and whoever else was in control of her shitty luck, hated her with a passion, the theme was DC villainesses. Rosie’s blue-and-pink-dipped pigtails bounced as she looked over her handiwork.

Whorls of green glitter snaked up her arms and legs, dipping into her cleavage and circling her waist, perfectly matching the bra and thong that she had been given to wear. With her (sort of) natural hair colour, she hadn’t needed the wig that the other girl usually wore, so her blood-red locks were teased and curled into the siren-perfect waves of Poison Ivy.

When she’d arrived, she hadn’t even had time to test for demonic activity before she was bundled into the dressing room and fussed over by her partner for the night. Rosie was a sweet girl, and eager to help. Rhea had checked her off the ‘possible minion of hell’ list within five minutes.

The dressing room was such a flurry of glitter and activity that she hadn’t managed to get a good look at most of the other girls as they went about getting ready for their shifts.

Dean was going to have a field day. The man loved Batman way more than was normal for anyone, let alone a dude in his thirties.

Despite her misgivings, Rhea flashed Rosie a genuine smile which she returned.

‘I think we’re on in a few minutes.’ The younger girl was as much of a Georgia peach as any she’d ever met, and she’d initially found it hard to catch much what she was saying. Even after being in the States for almost a decade, she was only used to the Winchester’s relatively neutral accents. She still held onto enough of her Scottish accent to be marked as a non-native.

Rosie’s costume had required far less effort than her own – fishnets, smudged red lipstick and a few fake tattoos turned her into Gotham’s own Harley Quinn.

Luckily, the duet was relatively simple, with no choreographed dance to follow; just a typical bump ‘n’ grind routine with a little girl-on-girl action set to ‘Sweet but Psycho.’

Rhea almost jumped when the tannoy called them to the stage. Really professional. But then she was up and moving, keeping her focus on Rosie’s bouncing pigtails in front of her as she tried not to break her ankle.

Showtime.

    Dean’s POV

 Dean was halfway through his third Jack and coke when the DJ announced Rhea, although tonight she was going by the stage name Lisandra. She had vetoed most of Sam’s suggestions and all of his last night back at the motel, when the oppressive heat had made it almost impossible for them to get any sleep.

Not one, but two figures stepped out onto the stage as the track started up with a high-pitched scream and his jaw almost dropped as he pieced together the theme of this routine.

Rhea’s long legs were covered in glitter – all the way up to the thong that left very little to the imagination.

The pair were greeted with whoops and hollers from other patrons of the club and Dean took a deep swig of his drink to douse the burning in his stomach that felt uncomfortably like jealously. He had no claim on the red-headed huntress, no reason to want to snarl at the other men in the crowd that they didn’t deserve to see her half-naked and sparkling, no right to see her move like liquid silk as her hands roved over the Harley Quinn she was performing with.

Dean swallowed thickly as he watched the women on stage, acutely aware of the way his cock was pressing against his jeans. His chest tightened as Rhea dropped low, still impossibly dexterous even in those ridiculous heels. Harley’s crimson lips traced the ivory column of her neck, hands trailing up the back of her thighs as she rose, moving like she had been made to dance like this – like her hands were calloused from gripping a metal pole and not a sawn-off shotgun.

He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. He wanted, no he needed…

Rhea’s cornflower-blue gaze met his and he shot up from his seat like he’d been tazed. He needed to find Sam.

Dean knew he’d lose his seat almost immediately – he’d staked out a spot right at the front of the stage as soon as he’d arrived.

His brother was stood near the bar, dressed in a tight black t-shirt that had already attracted the attention of one of the waitresses. The petite brunette barely came up to his shoulder in her heels but was making a show of batting her eyelashes at a clearly-uncomfortable Sam.

An almost-comical look of relief crossed his face as he spotted Dean moving towards him and he managed to extract himself from the conversation to meet him halfway.

‘Sammy, it’s Rhea. The succubus must’ve ambushed her backstage and taken her appearance.’

‘Whoa, whoa. Slow down.’ Sam gripped him by the shoulders, concern creasing his brow. ‘How do you know? Did you test her?’

‘No, but I could feel her hoodoo demon magic on me. Look at me, Sammy!’

His brother raised his brows as he took him in, the rising panic in his chest masking any embarrassment he should feel about standing in front of his little brother with a boner.

Rhea was a capable hunter but if the succubus had gotten the drop on her…

He was already fumbling for his flask of holy water when a snort from Sam made him pause.

‘What the hell are you laughing at man? Rhea’s in danger!’ He set his jaw, getting more pissed by the second as the taller man continued to laugh.

‘That’s Rhea on stage, Dean. You’ve got it bad for her, dude.’ Sam managed between breaths. ‘None of the performers so far have been demons.’

‘I…’ He started, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he glanced back at the stage. Rhea’s performance was ending, the two women collecting their tips as they headed backstage. ‘Shut the hell up.’ Dean finally snapped, both unwilling and unable to give voice to the cocktail of emotions that was swirling around in his chest.

Without a backwards glance at his brother, Dean stalked back to the bar for another drink. Hopefully the succubus showed her face before he got completely plastered.

  Rhea’s POV

 The backstage air was cool against her skin as she pushed through the doors hidden behind the stage. Emerald glitter trailed in her wake she headed back to the dressing room, Rosie hot on her stiletto heels.

They had scooped up the bills from the stage without counting, trusting enough of one another to wait until they got backstage to split the tips between them.

It wasn’t long before they each had an even stack of bills on their dressers. She had made decent money from just one performance, maybe being a stripper wasn’t so bad after all.

The chatter of the other girls was background noise as she bent to check that her supplies were still in her rucksack. Holy water, salt and several knives were all nestled under the clothes she had worn to the club earlier that night.

‘I love your tattoo.’ The voice behind her was low and smooth and when she straightened up, she saw that it belonged to a dark-haired woman in a revealing police officer’s uniform. The smile on her full lips was genuine enough but it didn’t quite reach the eyes that were fixed to the anti-possession tattoo on her shoulder blade.

She hadn’t even thought to cover it up before coming to the club – she’d been more worried about accidentally flashing her tits than her ink. Shit.

Rhea didn’t have time to grab the flask of holy water before the succubus flung out a hand, sending her crashing into a rack of costumes along the opposite wall. There were screams from the other dancers as they scrambled to the exit, abandoning any pretence at solidarity as they shoved through the doorway.

Even though they were a lower class of demon, succubi still packed one hell of a punch. Though because of their lesser status and the fact that they possessed their own corporeal bodies, rather than possessing humans, exorcising them had the rather spectacular effect of burning them to ashes rather than the usual outpouring of black smoke.

Eyeing the distance between herself and her bag, Rhea adjusted her plan and lunged for the fire alarm on the wall above her. The piercing sound immediately clanged through the building. Hopefully that would alert Sam and Dean to the situation and give the civilians a chance to get clear.

‘Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus-‘

She was cut off with a gasp as the demon tossed her back towards the dressing table, the mirror shattering on impact. Glittering shards scattered everywhere as she pushed herself up with a groan, reaching through the wreckage for her bag.

Her hand closed around the silver flask just as the succubus approached her, seemingly content to toy with her prey before she dispatched her. That was fine by her.

With a flick of her wrist, she let the water arc from the flask, hitting the demon with a hiss and the stench of burning flesh. The brunette screeched, clawing at her face as she tried to rub the caustic substance out of her eyes.

With an inhuman shriek, the demon took off down the corridor, clearly deciding that this was a fight she wasn’t going to win.

‘For fuck sake.’ Rhea tugged at the straps of her heels for a second before resigning to the fact that they weren’t coming off quickly. With another muttered string of curses, she gave chase, pausing only to grab a pair of knives from her bag. She could give Crowley some new torture ideas involving impractical footwear.

 The succubus burst through the doors into the main part of the club with Rhea several paces behind and struggling to gain ground. With a grunt, she lunged forward, slashing down with her knives as she fell. The blades caught the demon in the backs of her thighs, cutting a jagged path through her hamstrings.

Blood gushed crimson from the wound, making her hands slippery as she scrambled to pin the felled demon. Her ankle twisted and she snarled, but finally managed to straddle the succubus, knees pinning her arms to the floor until she could hear bone grinding against bone.

In rapid succession, Rhea landed a series of solid blows to her jaw, hard enough to draw blood. The demon only laughed, the sound obscene and crackling from the blood trickling from her mouth.

‘I smelled your desire as soon as you walked in. I could almost taste it - taste the way you lusted after-‘

Rhea let out a half-strangled scream as she wrapped her hands around the succubus’s slender throat before slamming her head against the floor.

And then there was no longer ivory skin beneath her fingers – the demon’s glamour rippled away to reveal her true form; indigo skin and eyes like swirling galaxies, furred legs that ended in razor sharp hooves and twisting black horns.

‘A little help here?’ Rhea raised her gaze to glare at the brothers who were stood over her and her prey, staring wide eyed at what had probably started as every guy’s hottest fantasy.

Finally, they leapt into action; Sam chanting in Latin as Dean poured his flask of holy water over the writhing demon beneath her.

The demon screeched, thrashing against her as her skin sizzled.

‘Wait! Wait! I can make you a deal, anything you want! It won’t even cost you your soul, just a year off the end of your life. I could make you irresistible �� wanted by everyone, even-‘

Rhea slammed her head into the ground again and there was a sharp crack as her head snapped back and the tip of her horn broke off, skittering away under one of the empty tables.

‘Enough.’ She barely recognised her own voice; almost feral in her fury.

She registered that Sam was coming to the end of the incantation and leapt up just in time to avoid being singed as the succubus burst into flames, burning so hot that her body was ashes within seconds.

‘Well…’ Sam glanced from her to the smoking pile of ashes.

‘Lets never do that again.’ Her skin was a disgusting mess of drying blood and clumped glitter, and she wanted nothing more than a hot shower and possibly a fifth of tequila to wash away the memory of tonight.

‘I quite enjoyed the first half of the night.’ Dean scratched the back of his head with the handle of his blade, but his trademark smirk didn’t quite reach his eyes. Something was bothering him. ‘But I can tell you one thing – you’re not getting into Baby like that.’

She was just about to give a rather colourful retort about where he could stick his Baby when a movement by the front doors made her turn.

Liam Hanover was picking his way through the wreckage of several shattered glasses and scattered dollar bills towards the trio.

‘I trust you had a good reason for assaulting one of my girls and setting off the fire alarm on one of our busiest nights of the week?’ The older man’s expression showed only mild displeasure as he took in the scene that the three of them presented.

Shit.

                                                                              *****

It had taken some time, and several runs through the security footage, but they’d finally managed to convince Liam that he didn’t need to call the cops on them.

He even let Rhea clean up in the showers through the back, though a good amount of glitter had refused to budge even with soap and water.

Dean had still given her a sideways look as she’d slid into the backseat of the Impala; to which her only reply had been a vulgar gesture that heavily relied on her middle finger.

Rhea had dozed off on the short ride back to the Bunker, head resting against the window frame as the warm night air tugged at her damp hair.

When they’d arrived home, she’d quickly said her goodnights to the boys before hauling ass to her room. Cas and Jack had given her odd looks as she’d swept past them in the library, still trailing glitter, but she couldn’t be sure how much Dean had pieced together from the mouthy succubus and hadn’t wanted to hang around to find out.

Sleep didn’t come easily, despite her exhaustion, but when it did it was fitful, filled with a mind-addling mix of lust and fear and moss-green eyes that glimmered like the ocean.

                                                                 ********

 The next day had brought no new cases, so Rhea had woken late and used the rare downtime to restock the kitchen and catch up on laundry. The bunker was quiet now, despite it only being early evening. Jack and Cas were out at a movie; the angel eager to educate his young ward on pop culture in a more traditional way than Metatron had shown him, and Sam had retreated to his room with a headache some time ago.

Dean was seated on the armchair opposite her, a glass of whiskey in one hand the TV remote held loosely in the other. He had been flicking through channels for the last ten minutes.

Nearly a year ago, the occupants of the bunker had collectively decided that the library needed comfier seating than the Men of Letter’s had originally intended, so there had been a mass trip to the nearest furniture store to purchase a couple of armchairs and a long, deep sofa. Dean had also insisted on buying a forty-eight-inch HD LED TV and the whole setup had been tucked into a corner of the library, surrounded on two sides by bookshelves.

Rhea glanced up as the hunter cleared his throat, her gaze meeting his as he stared at her with an unsettling intensity. A flush crept her face as she fiddled with the pages of her book.

‘Can I help you?’ Pleased that her voice remained even, she titled her head, waiting for him to either speak or break his stare.

‘Was just wondering where’d you gotten the tat from. Don’t think I’ve seen that one before.’ This time his gaze was accompanied by a slight smirk, his eyes drifting down to her abdomen where the silver edilith encircled her navel. ‘Kinda’ hard not to notice it in your getup last night.’

Now it was her turn to clear her throat.

‘It’s not new, an ex-girlfriend of mine gave me it when I was nineteen. She’s a rather powerful witch - still lives up in the Scottish Highlands.’ And dammit this was the second time in as many days that her ink had gotten her into uncomfortable situations, because the next part… ‘It’s a bastardisation of an ancient Gaelic fertility ritual. Magical contraception, essentially. Protects me from everything a condom would.’

‘Awesome.’ His brows rose, his smirk taking on a distinctly naughty cast. ‘She the one who taught you to dance like that?’

Her breath hitched as she processed his words, weighing the possible meanings and the innuendo, trying to determine… Fuck it. If that wasn’t an invitation…

She closed her book with a snap before rolling to her feet, never once letting her gaze drop from his, not giving her mind any room for doubt. Never mind that she was only wearing a ratty old t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Never mind that she was far soberer than she’d ever imagined herself to be while actually attempting this.

‘No, she wasn’t.’ She padded across the space between them, using her foot to nudge his knees further apart. She dropped her voice as she leaned down, hands on the armrests, caging him in. ‘You see, Dean, that I’ve learned to watch people in this life; learned what makes them tick. And I’ve learned who they remember. They remember the woman who made every roll of her hips an invitation, every movement a seduction.’

Dean’s face had gone slack, and she could see the dark lust in his eyes warring with his doubts. It felt good to not be the one second-guessing for once.

‘And just who were you seducing?’ His voice was hoarse and almost breathy as his tongue flicked out to wet his lips. ‘Mark the bouncer?’ He raised his jaw slightly. ‘Sammy?’

‘Am I in Sam’s room right now?’ Rhea let her eyes flutter as Dean reached out to cup the backs of her thighs, his fingers feather-light as they trailed up towards her ass. ‘But this is all or nothing, Dean. I won’t just be another notch in your belt.’ Her breath was coming faster now, but she tried to keep her voice even, tried to keep that resolve even as her heartbeat thundered in her ears.

‘Sweetheart, you’ve been driving me crazy for months.’ The green-eyed hunter surged up, catching her mouth with his as he tightened his grip on her ass. His breath was hot against her lips as he drew back enough to meet her gaze; crushing blue to blazing emerald. ‘I don’t think I could let you go after just one night, even if I wanted to.’

Rhea released her grip on the chair to thread her hands through his tousled hair, finding the longer strands at the back that were just enough to get a good grip and pull.

The groan that escaped him was guttural, reverberating through her chest and sending waves of heat straight to her core. His fingers hooked in the waistband of her boxers, and he released her mouth to press butterfly kisses down her body, following the path of her underwear as he dragged them over her hips and off until they were puddled on the floor around her ankles.

Rhea moaned quietly, dragging her t-shirt up and off as Dean lifted one knee over his shoulder, dipping his head to trail his lips up the inside of her thigh.

‘So wet already…’ His voice was an exquisite agony as his breath brushed against the apex of her thighs. With a low snarl, she gripped his hair tighter, almost pushing his face closer to where she needed him.

With a dark chuckle at her urgency, he began to feast on her; his lips closing around her clit, alternating between sucking and circling the sensitive bud with his tongue in a way that had her seeing stars within minutes.

Her legs trembled and Dean tightened his grip on her thigh where it was pressed against the side of his head. Meanwhile, he trailed his other hand up, up, up her leg until he was pressing against her soaked folds, matching the rhythm of his tongue with the steady thrust of his fingers.

‘Fuck…Dean.’ She was moaning in earnest now, biting down hard on her bottom lip to stop from alerting the rest of the bunker. Cas and Jack could come back at any time… ‘God I’m close…’

And damn him she could feel that cocky smirk against her as he increased his pace. Faster and faster until –

Her legs shook and locked as her release barrelled through her, the man kneeling before her the only thing keeping her upright as she came down from the high.

‘Fuck – that was…’ Rhea licked her lips as she glanced down at Dean, his own mouth swollen and glistening as he tilted his head back to meet her gaze.

‘Oh, we’re not done yet, darlin’.’ She barely had time to unhook her leg from his should before he was surging up, wrapping his arms under her thighs to grip her ass as he backed her towards the nearest bookshelf; hard enough to knock several of the no-doubt ancient volumes to the floor.

And she met his passion blow-for-blow, her hands frantic as she ripped his t-shirt up and over his head, tightening her legs around his waist to let him undo his belt and slide his jeans down far enough to free his cock.

He was hot and heavy against her, far bigger than she’d had in a long time. Dean didn’t waste any time as he pressed against her, the head of his cock stretching her out as he rolled his hips into her, letting her adjust to the size until he bottomed out.

In the low light of the lamps, he was impossibly beautiful – all lean muscle and freckled skin criss-crossed by silvery scars from countless past fights.

He kept the pace slow, pulling out almost completely before pressing back into her. She buried her face into his neck, trailing her lips along the tanned skin before biting down hard enough to make his hips jerk, rattling the shelf behind her. Rhea chuckled throatily at Dean’s frustrated growl, sucking a mark onto his neck. She was done being subtle and this was her claim.

‘Fuck me like you mean it, Winchester.’ Her voice was a purr in his ear, and he took her suggestion wholeheartedly.

The bookshelf shook with each roll of his hips and she knew that she’d have a series of very odd bruises in the morning, but it was worth it for the way that Dean trembled as he tightened his arms around her, a jumble of words falling from lips as his rhythm began to falter.

‘I love you, I love you Iloveyouiloveyou.’

He squeezed his eyes closed as he fell over the edge, still and shuddering as he spilled inside her. It was a while before he moved again; almost reverent as he slowly guided her back to her feet, still leaning against the shelf for support.

‘I love you too, even if you are a pain in my ass.’ Rhea smiled, dipping her head before glancing up at him from beneath her lashes, watching the lust in his eyes give way to something far softer than she’d ever seen in his expression.

‘If you wanted me to be a real pain in your ass, you only had to ask, sweetheart.’ But there was no heat behind the innuendo – only tenderness as he dipped his head to press a chaste kiss to her mouth, lingering sweetly.

‘We should get cleaned up before Cas gets home.’

‘What? Do you not want to invite the pizzaman to the party?’ Rhea shook her head as she moved past Dean to locate her clothes.

‘You’re unbelievable.’

‘I’m going to take that as a comment on my performance back there.’

She tipped her head back, a thoughtful expression on her face.

‘Accurate.’