#I just love that he also adores everything about her even her darker aspects that echo in himself

[sylustra]

Sylus saying "...don't run" to MC when they're finally being openly honest about their desire for one another and their trust and shared spaces.

[writella]

Screwed Up and Brilliant

Synopsis: Negan is ready for you. Daryl isn’t; and maybe he’ll never be. Negan makes that clear to you tonight.

Details: Negan Smith x fem!reader, Daryl Dixon x fem!reader (mentioned), Negan is a bad guy but there is nuance— at least I hope I accomplished doing so, angst, guilt, forbidden love, probably super stereotypical, reader at the Sanctuary, moral dilemma reader (but you got to understand, they’re both so fine!!), I feel like I need more cws but I can’t think of them and of course, smut, 18+: consensual, unprotected, vague dacryphilia, soft? dom!Negan, lite daddy kink, fingerings, riding, and basically just Negan blowing your brains out… but not in the walker way��� the good way, the way we like. Amen.

A/N: Could you believe I started writing this in October or something? This is my first time writing Negan and I’m scared I may not have gotten it right so definitely feel free to give notes! This is set during season 7/8, I’m picturing Negan at the end of 8 and later seasons but there’s something about him older that gives me heart eyes everywhere, but whatever you prefer makes me happy. Anyway, from my heart, and maybe somewhere a little lower, to yours; with love from writella. ♡

You’re screwed up and brilliant, look like a million-dollar man; so why is my heart broke?

—— LDR, Million Dollar Man

The space was clean; minimal. The kind that let out no secrets of the owner that inhabited its insides. And of course there were the little things that let out some slight details: the ashtray on the nightstand— a smoking habit; a ring, a metal chain, another of black rope— an unsuspected, albeit small, interest in jewelry; the bottom nightstand closed by a lock—mysterious and cautious, though that was to be expected. It was only reasonable he’d have something he wanted hide. But other than that, Negan’s bedroom was quite unreadable; almost purposefully mundane.

There was a fireplace, a window at the corner, and a bed at the center. It had a dark, brass, rusted headboard that leaned against the wall. Two pillows at either side. The sheets were white, and the large blanket was of fur, a tan or medium brown, it was thick and heavy. Probably unnecessary for the approaching spring heat, but it adored the bed end well; matching the other bronze, or brown, wooden and darker aspects of the room. Even the light from the small fire, though you could see clearly, made everything mildly dim— the Sanctuary wasn’t known for its brightness after all.

And truly, nothing in this bedroom, or in this fortress of a place could be described as anything close to bright. Unless you counted the sun outside in the courtyard, or the largest fireplace that blazed in the main hall, or Negan’s piercing, priceless smile— so pristinely white, so wide it almost looked painful to perform. There was an eeriness to it as well. That was at the forefront, and everyone saw it. With the way he maintained their cleanliness, it was something that could look so pure, so put-together on any other; but on him, its power could scare you into worthlessness. It’s the one he used when he told someone what to do even if they hated it; it’s the one he used when killing someone’s best friend.

It’s also the one he used on the first day he ever spoke to you. The first time that truly mattered, really.

It was during Negan’s first supply gathering at Alexandria.

You still remember it well.

Your faces filled with desolation, but chins held high; you were strong— good at hiding the pain, the fear— only straight, pokered eyes and mouths allowed as everyone silently agreed with you. You had told Negan that Maggie was dead.

The Widow, he had coined her. The wife of your good friend that he killed— so generous a man was Glenn, even when he wasn’t trying to be. And she’s your friend too, brave Maggie. That’s the one he wanted, but as far as he knew, she was gone.

Thank God, you thought, Thank God, yes, indeed, until—

Negan’s eyes glazed over your frame for just a moment too long.

You weren’t speaking anymore. You kept it short enough. He should have turned his attention back to Rick but he didn’t.

Where there was sly roguery in Negan’s eyes, anxiety weld in the looks of all others: Rick’s throat tensed and tightened uneasily, sweat trailing down his curls and onto his forehead; Rosita’s jaw clenched with bitterness, brows furrowing under her green khaki cap with anger; and then there was Gabriel: his eyes turned from solemnity and pretend peacefulness to wide bewilderment. The plan you two exchanged had worked: you would tell Negan of Maggie’s passing, as per your idea, and Gabriel would swiftly solidified your lie by saying he was the one who officiated the short funeral. But then, another problem arose; one where he could be nothing else but helpless in aiding you. What was he, or anyone to do? It was easy to help Maggie, she was more than twenty miles away. But you, you were here. Right in front of him.

“Wait a minute…” Negan’s pointer shakes lightly by his temple, his mind turning curiously. “You.” He said, shooting his finger in the direction of your chest.

His smile, mischievous as ever, only grew wider as a moment passed and he made his realization: “You’re the one with that- tight- grip!” He balled his raised hand into a fist as he said it. A slight snicker came after, proud of his entendre. “My men were tryna put Daryl in the trunk and you latched onto his foot like it was your dying- act- which—” you attempt to lessen the startle in your eyes at his upward hitch in tone, “—it most certainly could have been.”

Negan comes closer now, his face nearing your own, “But you know better now, right?”

Obviously, you did not.

Or you would have stayed home, not given him the chance to remember you as he said he would after your nails could no longer claw into Daryl’s ankle. He was thrashing too much and Negan’s men pushed you away; they were too strong together against the two of you. They kicked dirt in your face for it, held a gun to your head until Negan told them to stop. His point was made with your two friends he had killed, no need for another— especially not one who amused him like you had just done.

‘DAYUM. She is surprisingly strong!’ He had yelled, ignoring the weeping faces of you and the group kneeling in a line on the ground; sweat, blood, and tears dripping everywhere. ‘And I do like ‘em loyal…’ He had given you a once over while telling his men, ‘Hands off, gentlemen,’ and before returning his attention back to Rick, he added, ‘I’ll keep my eye on you.’

And he did.

You made an impression.

Now you’ll pay.

Rick should have told you why he wanted you to stay with Judith. He remembered what Negan said too. He remembered what Negan said to everyone. He couldn’t forget. But maybe it didn’t matter. It was only the start of Negan’s day here. Maybe he would have found you anyway.

Rick would feel it was all his fault nonetheless, but all you could think about is how truly, it was your own, and no one’s at all.

The sun allows glints of wickedness to sparkle in the whites of Negan’s teeth as he continues imparts his demand, “From now on, don’t stop me when I’m giving an order, okay?” It’s like you can hear him underlining his words just with his darkened voice. Turning his waist, he extends his hand to everyone as he finishes, “And that goes for all of you.”

You force your face to remain leveled as he meets your eyes again, that cheshire look returning directly toward you. He curls his head to the side, whispering near your profile, “So… you’re his girl, huh?”

Your mouth becomes slightly agape. You don’t even realize it before you can try to close it. He asked the question of aversion, or at least that’s what you assumed it was to Daryl.

You knew it was just his way, that speaking about things like this might have not been his strong suit. Besides, there were more things to worry about almost all the time, but it still hurt to know that when asked, the only complete and honest answer there could be was no.

Your eyes trail down slowly, desperate to avoid his, and Daryl’s face— a few feet away from you— turning to the side, looking at nothing. He could not hear what was being asked, but maybe Rick did, Rosita and Gabriel too. It was unclear, but their eyes prodded with more tension, more worry, Daryl could register that, and even more so, he could not stand Negan’s face that close to yours; he was probably trying to make an advance on you, scare you, or both. He pretends not to care, but ultimately it’s useless. Negan detects your expression and turns to look at Daryl’s; he notices both failing attempts at impassivity.

“Oh,” he muses, voice returning to its normal volume, “or not, my bad…. I guess that does make more sense though.” He speaks louder now, casually, like he’s a close friend consoling you about your boy troubles, “I personally haven’t been able to hold a conversation with the guy either, and I’m just tryna be friends.”

Daryl was right. Negan was weaseling his way in. He snarls because of it.

Only Dwight hears this and sends him a warning glare.

You feel the sweat beading from your hairline to the nape of your neck. The danger felt from Negan’s presence was as thick as the sun’s heat that shone directly on the cemetery grove. It’s hard to look up and especially to look at him directly for that long as if he truly was the fire in the sky, so you look down again.

Negan pats your shoulder sympathetically, his hand then going to hold up your chin, his thumb tracing your jaw softly.

It makes Daryl’s arms twitch and his stance jerks forward, but he’s pushed back, Dwight beating him on the chest. It’s only once but you can hear it, everyone heard it.

It only makes Negan’s grin become more sly because— there it is— a reaction; an answer. It makes what he’s about to do that much more sweet: “Fuck, darlin’. I’m sorry. Idiot,” he tisks. Then more quietly he adds, “I’m not one though.”

This time it’s for sure: Rick caught that, and Rosita too. They give each other an alarming look as Negan continues to trail over your dispirited form, like a wilted flower. His hand lowers back down to your shoulder, then trails to your arm, to the elbow, and then off of you entirely.

Despite the feeling of Lucille under his grasp telling him he shouldn’t, Rick urges himself to speak before Negan says what they all know is coming. “Negan,” he starts, swallowing the slight shake in his voice, “would you like to see the pantry—”

“Did I ask you to speak, Rick?” Negan states, his frame still positioned in front of you. “I’m thinkin’ here… I’m thinkin’… particularly, that you should come with me.”

Daryl makes a sound that you couldn’t hear, for Dwight was already barking a “Shut up,” at him. Only the swat he gives to Daryl’s shoulder is what is once again heard by all.

You almost choke on your gasp, but you hold it in. Only letting out the faintest sound as you ask, “What?”

“You heard me,” he plainly says. “I mean, what do you even do here anyway?”

You almost felt embarrassed to answer.

“No, I’m askin’. Seriously. Does Rick actually utilize you?”

As you begin, your voice is still quiet, “I… I work in the garden, with the produce… I help tutor the kids… I go on runs, gather supplies. I cook. Help with weapons maintenance, I—” you stop, realizing your grocery list of jobs probably sounds pathetic to him, you’re like a chore boy, “— I do a lot. But everyone does.”

“Hm,” Negan responds, playing with his nails nonchalantly. Your thoughts come to fruition with his next words, “So you’re just everyone’s helper?”

He noticed the sad offense emanating from your eyes, so he raised his hands, “And those are important things to do, I mean it. It must mean you know quite a bit from everyone, that’s smart, and there’s no trouble in it. But… I saw you. I think you can do more.”

“How?” You can still only gasp out your words. “I’m not Maggie. And she’s not here.”

“No.” He brings up one finger, “But you’re clever,” you look at him confused as he brings up his middle finger to join the first, “and quick on your feet, that I now know.” A third and fourth finger comes up, “You’re strong, you’re loyal— things I’ve stated before.” Then the fifth he says with a smug smile, “And you’re a looker, I must admit.” He moves his hand to one side of his mouth, pretending to secretly tell you, “But that’s just a plus,” he winks. “And more importantly, it seems to me that just like most people in Prick’s community, you are undervalued and not paid attention to whereas I see potential.” He says it all so simply, he truly believes he’s offering you so much better that he finally ends by saying: “Hm. Yeah. I think you’ll be much better off with me.”

And so, with no true goodbyes said, in a van you went after Negan’s visit was done. A different one from Daryl’s, of course. Taken away from the first home you had in ages.

Before the trunk door closed, Negan gave you parting words: “You see?” He had said, “I told you I’d remember you, didn’t I?”

The words rang in your ears for the entire ride as they still do now, even more or less than two months later as you sit in his room.

Your heartbeat started to rise little by little as time went on and he hadn’t arrived. With the window allowing you to escape into thought, you were left to think about the last couple of days, and specifically, the last time you were in here:

You were sitting with him on his bed. You had asked if you could talk about anything other than the world you two lived in now, and surprisingly, he obliged. It was nice. Sometime later, he had finally opened that locked drawer.

You heard him suck his teeth, what he was getting seemed lost, which allowed you to take a closer peek inside.

There was a picture of a woman. The first wife? The only real one? You couldn’t tell and you wouldn’t ask, it would have been too much. You didn’t even get a good look at the woman anyway— part of her face was covered and he was fast. But he saw your eyes, so you decided to take note of the books you caught a glimpse of, pretending it was the only thing you saw. You try to think of something to say… It did make sense he was a reader, at least even mildly if that was all it was. The way he describes his ideals, his persuasiveness, his diction— it impressed you, even if you disagreed with a lot of it. It was almost ironic that the only cover you saw was of a dictionary, the more valuable ones probably hidden under. “Is that where you get all your big boy words from?” You asked.

“Some of them,” he joked back, composing himself.

It was strange to almost catch him off guard. It was so unlike him to allow it, but what happened next felt even more surprising.

Whatever he got from the drawer was enclosed in his hand. He put the free one on top of the other as he started, “Now… I don’t want you thinking I’m growing soft on you. I just thought you deserve it because—” and then his voice fades. Even Negan, the ever curse-filled wordsmith, was finding it hard to describe in any other way that he was pleased with something as absurd as you not trying to escape anymore. He knew you would probably think that was the only reason for a gift, but then he opted for something that even you couldn’t help but know was equally true, “You don’t seem to proactively hate me anymore. You’re here. I appreciate it, so I wanted to,” he says sincerely. “That’s all.”

Negan opened his hand, resting the piece in your palm— it was a locket; lovely and rusted floral engravings all over it.

You felt sad that you thought it was beautiful, and even worse for knowing the reasons why he was giving it to you. No wonder his voice had faltered.

You remember the soft shock and awe on your face, how you said thank you and how your face felt so hot when you said it, how he asked you to turn, and how you looked at him from behind you after he put the piece on. He was so close and it felt like he was coming closer. You don’t remember if that part was real, but you can see it so clearly that it must have been. Unfortunately, the only thing you remember for certain is that knock at the door that sent Negan away to handle whatever was going on downstairs.

Had you almost let him kiss you? Would you have liked it? Are you the most deplorable person for even thinking that while Daryl was somewhere else locked up at the time?

“I see they delivered my message.”

You return from your daze, your startle leaving as soon as it comes.

It was just him. There Negan finally was.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to just come in. The door was unlocked.”

“I knew the meeting was gonna go longer than expected; thought you might as well make yourself comfortable.” He gestures to you, “which I see you did, and no—“ you were getting up from his bed, “it’s fine.” Negan sets Lucille near the door. He walks over to you, sitting down on the edge of his bed as well. There is a bit of distance between you two.

“You know, I came back the other day,” he informs, “I was actually going to talk to you last night, but then I heard you tried to leave. Again.” His eyebrows furrow, “We still on that?” He asks. “Thought we had a breakthrough the other night.”

“But after Carl—“

“—Carl,” he interjects, “came here all by his badass self, and for that, I did not lay even my pinky fuckin’ finger on him.” His hand goes to his chest, “I even took him home like a gentleman. And after I got here and found out they put you in a cell without supper, I had you back in your bed before midnight yesterday, so I’d say I’m doing pretty well.”

“Seriously?” Your incredulity is hidden under the softness of your voice as you say it, but it’s cracking.

“As a heart attack. It’s your ex-people who don’t listen. At least I was nice this time.”

You sigh heavily, docility officially fading. You shake your head with a slight chuckle, “That’s hard to believe. Especially if you were gone for most of the day. I know what that means. You had whatever the fuck your version of fun is.”

He grits his teeth, holding his words back. You’ve gotten a little too comfortable with the back talk, and you especially shouldn’t be saying anything after the night you had yesterday, but he allows it.

This time.

Of course, he didn’t like you leaving, but he rather that it was Daryl who escaped than you. And based on the bruises: one on the side of your head, one high on your shoulder— he imagines you might have gotten pushed against a wall— and the light ones that littered in a couple of spots on both your arms— he could tell his men must have been rough with you as they brought you back. He didn’t like that; therefore, he lets you quip. Someone would be getting their own bruises for it some time later anyway. He would take your smartass mouth out on them to cover for it.

“Maybe,” he finally says. “Nothing was undeserved though.”

You breathe in, the back and forth was no use. “What happened yesterday?” You asked, losing the sarcasm. Your eyes peered into his for honesty, hoping to skip the sly replies and get to the truth. “Just tell me what happened at home.”

Home. You knew better than to use that word. In fact, you have just stopped using that word. He let out an exasperated laugh, but skipped the lecture. “You want the truth? Or just the SparkNotes?”

You roll your eyes lightly. You probably don’t even notice you did it. Despite the situation being discussed, it makes Negan’s head turn endearingly— your tone of voice, the things you say, the way you react to him… you still don’t realize how fresh you’ve gotten with him, how comfortable. But he sees it.

“Alright. Well, Spencer’s gone.” He reveals offhandedly, replying to your silence.

Your eyes do not widen, you know what gone means. You simply nod and try to not think about how the now-cleaned bat most likely looked before.

“And don’t tell me that you care,” he says, pretending to interject to your continuing silence. “You gotta know he was a small dick nepo-prick, right?”

You bite the inside of your lip, shaking your head slightly. You won’t give in to a cheap joke even if it was pretty accurate, so he beckons you by name, “C’mon, that was funny.”

Still, you give him nothing.

He sighs; taking off his leather; and sits near you on the bed, his hands cupping the ledge. “Thought we were finally over this quiet thing.”

“A lot has happened this week.”

“Like…” he prodes. He would only talk about it if you brought it up.

Your eyes shut tightly before opening again. You didn’t want to say it, but you had to. “You know what. Daryl.”

He states the fact plainly, “Daryl left you.”

“Are you kidding me?” Your voice is fierce now. You can’t believe it. You won’t. “He’s not that kind of person and this isn’t an easy place to get out of— I obviously know that— he wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I know,” he jeers, “but he did and he didn’t bring you with him. Even though you were found trying to find his cell. That’s some real idiotic bullshit right there, isn’t it? From both of you.”

You glared at him hotly, you wouldn’t give it up, but unfortunately you had no rebuttal. Both of you would just continue on with the same argument, the conversation going nowhere. And not because either side knew they were completely right; in truth, neither of you actually knew what happened the other day. But in this regard, you felt there was no other choice: you believed in Daryl fully.

Because he wouldn’t.

He couldn’t.

Right?

You continue shaking your head, trying to find something to say in retaliation as you feel your sureness withering. Separating you two was the smartest tactic. You now have nothing to hold onto. “He wouldn’t,” you repeat pathetically, “I don’t believe you.” Unfortunately it’s not quite enough, so he continues with a rant you know all too well.

“You don’t believe me?” He cups the ends of the bed more tightly, positioning himself closer to you. “When I’m the one who gave you the safest roof? Secure food, clean water, access to all these pretty dresses, which, I know you’ve become accustomed to—” and here it comes— “I saved you!”

Saviors and their “saving,” you sneered at it. What bullshit. “You didn’t save me.”

“But I gave you someone to talk to… Huh?” He taunts, waiting for your response but nothing comes. He uses it to his advantage, “You’re quiet cause you know it’s true.”

But you know something too. He says it before you can.

“Or fuck, maybe I just gave myself someone to talk to.”

You pretend you can’t hear the earnesty in it. “Stop,” you scoff. “Don’t treat me like I’m special. I was the second choice.”

“I think with my dick sometimes. You’re the only choice.”

You start to shake your head, your face is flushed; scared, hot, and a little bit of something else that you refuse to let out. Then the tears come— the room feels so big and you two are so close and there are so many feelings you’re trying to push down. “It doesn’t matter,” you say wearily, “You took me. And you took him. You hurt him, I saw his face.” Your voice begins to tremble, almost in unison with the tears that peak out on your eyelids. “And that outfit you put him in. He didn’t even look me in the eye.”

“Stop,” he warns.

“You didn’t even let me see him.”

“He doesn’t notice you.”

“You don’t know us.”

“I know you.”

“You don’t know him.”

“I know you’re not happy… What about the other night?”

You ignore him, shaking your head: “You hurt my friends.”

“What about the other night?” He persists, his voice slowly growing louder. “What about every time I let you sit in on my meetings? What about how you have your own room? What about how I actually talk to you?”

“You let him get hurt—” the tears start to fall, there is a quiver in your voice but you still match his near shout, “And you almost killed Carl—”

“Shut up.”

“And you killed Abraham—”

He warns you by name.

“And Glenn! Maggie’s husband—”

“SHUT. UP.”

“The baby won’t have a father, Negan!”

His voice is low and grim as he demands you to “Stop. Now.” Negan grabs the sides of your neck as he says his next line, it comes out brisk and harsh and heavy like his touch as his hand wraps around your neck. “I knew you lied to me.”

Your voice is hushed, feeling his lightly pressed thumbs on the front of your throat as you speak shakily, “I’ve never lied to you.”

“Maybe not since you’ve been here, but did you hear yourself right now?” He pauses, allowing you a second to let it sink in. “You just fucking proved it.”

Your eyes widen at the realization. The baby, you had said. Fuck.

“See? Told you, you were smart.”

And he did. Brave Maggie. Clever you. That was his reason number one.

“You have to get why.”

His voice remains eerily calm. “I do.”

Another tear falls and his thumb presses its pad under your eye, spreading a tear on your face as the next one comes down.

“Negan…” you say. It’s a mix of a warning and a plea but you can’t tell for what, both fear and fire mix together because of his proximity. His touch and stare was dangerous, you wouldn’t be surprised if he was pleased he caught your slip up, thrilled to see you cry, but there was also something about it— his touch, his eyes— that was equally intoxicating. There was something more tender there as well, something you didn’t want to turn away from, he wasn’t as rough as you thought. Nonetheless, your answer to these conflicting feelings are ones of neglect, you stay your course. “You’re a bad person,” you tell him.

“Please,” he whispers back, “just stop.”

His eyes glaze over your features with an intent look you’ve only seen once before, it was that other night in fact. It’s almost gentle, but maybe it’s just pity, so you don’t let it stop you. “But you are.”

“Stop,” he pleads, then it’s hushed, “just stop…” he says, “just stop.” Then he starts coming closer. “Tell me to stop.”

And you know you should get up.

You should, you should, you should, you know it but— you don’t.

You breathe into it.

His lips latch onto yours; your heads tilt; you lock perfectly.

Everything after happens fast, the instantaneous mess of it all: he waited and waited, and of course he would. He was waiting for you to see it, to feel it. He thought the other night was the breakthrough, but no, it was tonight, it was how you didn’t back away just now.

His hand goes lower on your leg, nearing your knees so he can get under your dress, trailing up your thigh, reaching the inner side that’s pressed up to the other one.

His hand on your neck brings you in closer, traveling up to under your chin and jaw, holding you so tight, but so sweetly. All you felt was surprise. He slips his tongue in, it's deep and intense. He brings a velvet warmth that you’d never expect from him. It was paradoxical; a fiery heaven of a feeling.

He starts rubbing your clit over your panties, kissing his way up to your ear as he does so to ask, “When’s the last time someone’s fucked you?”

Your lips are parted, but you cannot speak, so he continues.

“Daryl never did, did he?” He asks in a muffle, continuing to kiss and kiss. “Who was before him?”

Again, no verbal response, but your breath does hitch at his touches. He continues to draw circles, your wetness now slowly dampening the material, making it easier for his finger to place itself between your folds, so he dips his hand under the band. That and his whispering makes you feel a kind of spark that shoots all the way down to where his fingers are touching. The first press of his thumb without any material in between forces a sudden heat to rise that instantly causes a flush of liquid to slip down your hole, it feels messier than it actually is until his fingers go lower spreading it everywhere. You were much wetter than you thought, and you can’t help how good it feels, how easily you’re responding to it.

Negan calls your name, holding in every cocky reply he wanted to give about how wet you are— he needed an answer to his question first. So he looks you in the face, making sure he has your full attention, “You’re fuckin’ with me, right?” His words are meant more genuinely than his tone implies. “Not at all during any of this?”

You shake your head small and slowly. No.

He laughs pitifully, he doesn’t mean it rudely, but he just can’t help it. A touch-starved baby at the mercy of his fingertips? “Well, god-damn.”

He felt like a rich man.

He begins to kiss your lips again, now pumping his fingers into you. Your walls tighten. It’s only two, but they’re his. It’s new and exciting. His kiss makes you lean into the bed, the force of his head and tongue going deeper into your mouth guiding you to lay flat as his fingers still play.

“I hope you know how fucking soaked you are,” he finally says. “You need it so bad that it feels this damn good with me only touching you like this?” You can’t help the way your body jerks up and he can’t help but be smug about it. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”

Your eyes grow vicious at his grin, you almost want to hit him, but you can’t. All you can do is suppress your moan into a quiet whine. He’s so magnetic— his touch feels forbidden but so right; his voice so alluring; and his midas touch pulls you deeper and deeper into a trance, you might as well be turning into gold. Other than the involuntary reactions your body makes as his fingers continue going into your hole, now slowly going in and out as his eye gloss over your body in your favorite dress that you wore the most, you’re left paralyzed; subjected to following his lead. Wherever he wanted to go next, you’d let him.

He takes his fingers from inside of you and you look up quickly. You made sure not to whine at the loss of contact but your eyes couldn’t hide your dismay. All he did was smile and quickly lick away the wetness.

“Just takin’ this off,” he tells you as his hands cross over to the ends of his white t-shirt, slipping it off and onto the ground, one of those small rope chains hitting his chin as he does so.

It was only his shirt but you’re struck by him: to see more of his ever present sun-kissed skin felt almost godly. He was pretty lean, not too lanky like his stature, but not too broad either. Light curves of muscles adorned his chest and shoulders and arms. His chest and abdomen were slightly hairy, a tattoo placed on the upper right side and you finally saw the other tattoos placed on his upper arms more clearly. They looked nice on him. He was so handsome. You felt more wetness peeking out from down below. He looked so big above you.

“Like what you see, beautiful?” That typical snark still laced his voice, but there was a genuinity to it as well. He wanted you to like what you saw; to like him.

His words make your face hot, eyes casting off to the side. It was easier to talk to him when you were mad at him, when it was about home, even just small talk about the Sanctuary; this felt… different. Just like the other night.

You had almost already forgotten that his charm worked this way too; in a kinder way— when his eyes are wide, when his smile is soft, when he calls you sweet names without the irreverent, quip-filled pretenses.

It made you have all the words on the tip your tongue: how handsome and sexy you could say he is, how much you liked his tattoos, even all the greys that littered his hair and beard l, or how, if you had to admit it, you liked that dumb shit-eating grin of his, but all you can do is lightly smile, a quiet laugh escaping your lips at your bashfulness. You finally nod. “Yes,” you say, rolling your eyes, “maybe.”

He starts undoing his belt with a laugh of his own, “Oh I know you’re a fuckin liar if you think I’m a maybe.”

As his pants drop to the floor he takes each hand and places them over your shoulders on the bed to ask, “May I take off the lady’s dress?”

Your eyes widened, your open mouth only letting out a sweet, surprised, and whispered, “Huh?”

“What? Didn’t expect me to be a gentleman?”

You try to compose yourself, calm the fire you feel all throughout your body, and pretend you haven’t already given in completely right when he kissed you. “I just didn’t expect it would be all this slow.”

He laughs inwardly, glad to see the personality he came to know come back after all that happened these past two days. “Just give me a moment,” he jokes back. “You think I’m gonna waste seeing the reaction of you watching my cock spring out just so I can shove it in fast? ” He comes closer, his voice lowers now, “Believe it or not, I don’t think you’re just some doll or a fuck-piece.” The groundedness of his voice is something you’ve never heard before. “I’m pretty sure I’ve already stated that I see you. And truly, I think you’re damn gorgeous.”

Your eyes are stars. How can you even react? He thinks you’re gorgeous and you’re taken aback. “Thank you,” is all you can quietly say.

“You’re welcome.” He responds with eyes that have never looked so honest, so soft. You get lost in them and he has to pull you back, returning to his question, “May I?”

You nod, quick and excitedly, “You can take it off, Negan.”

He grabs your hands and stands you up. You look up at his face and his fingers move to the ends of your dress, pulling it over your head.

The tips of his fingers trace your chest and stomach lightly, delicately touching your skin as if it’s porcelain. He grabs your waist and travels up to take off your bra, then pushes down your wet underwear.

Negan’s cock stirs at the sight, you’re so pretty and so ready for him. “And I didn’t even need to see it to know I was right.” Just like he said, you’re gorgeous.

Negan pushes down his boxers. Cock springing up. Big and veiny with a red tip. He was itching to get inside of you.

And there you were, eyes and mouth open wide, scared and excited all at once. You were intimidated but surprisingly not scared if it would fit or not. You would let him do anything to get himself inside of you, even if it hurt.

“There it is,” he says, pleased with your reaction. He comes closer to your ear now, pushing you down by the hips against the bed once more. “And trust me, if you like that, you won’t fucking believe how I’ll feel inside of you. Just wait.”

“I…” He wanted to make you feel good, you’re almost speechless. “I’m ready.”

“Good.” He says, and then he places himself above you, admiring your glistening folds as he spreads your legs. He already lines himself up, he could look at you forever but he is in no desire to wait any longer. He pushes in. It’s a bit fast, a tight fit, it must have hurt you, but he’s too excited, he can’t help it. He lets out a hum and then a groan at the feeling of your walls enclosing him, and he hears you gasp at his size. He starts to pump into you immediately.

His face hovers over yours. His eyes study your features and he realizes he’s never been this close. Of course he hasn’t, he’s never fucked you, made love to you. He’s just now noticing the way your eyelashes curl, what birthmarks adorn your upper body or not, and how many earrings you may have, but most importantly, he’s noticing the way you react to him: the way your eyebrows might scrunch, or what elicits more pants and squirmings, the way your lips tug tightly against each other or open into ovals and circles depending on what he does, how he thrusts, where he touches, how he moves.

It all makes him slowly speed up. He can’t take it anymore. He kisses your neck and jaw— some kisses sweet, then others that are rough and he begins to pump and pump. Faster and faster.

“Oh,” you choke out before moaning, “ah.”

He continues, loving every facial expression you make until he finally speaks. “Alright. I gave you a break— now tell me how it feels?”

All you can do is whine incoherently.

“Excuse me?” He says more sternly. You know what he wants.

“Negan,” you whine again.

He stops. “Yes?” He asks all too knowingly. “Gonna use your words and tell me how it feels?”

You sigh, taking the hand placed on your hip and moving up toward the ends of your stomach, all the way up to your left breast. You let his hand rest there, feeling the heat and your quickened heartbeat radiating from the area. “You… you feel so good.” Your eyes are watery, “Amazing.”

You got him there, and he almost can’t help but start hammering it in, but then he remembers… he doesn’t have to help it. He could do whatever he wanted, so he does. He squeezes your breast, grinning wildly as he gives you one hard thrust. “Damn right,” he tells you, hearing your yelp before pounding fast.

You had always been quiet but he never quite saw you at a loss for words as you are now. Your mouth is completely open, your eyes threatening to roll back further, making sounds he’s sure you’ve never heard from yourself before. Have you even had it this fast? This big? This great? He knows it couldn’t be. And he’s the one who gets to show you. His eyes gloss over you with pride at the thought.

He grabs your chin to get you to look at him, “Who’s fucking you this good?”

You moan. You weren’t used to this. Your eyes roll back completely as he pounds into you with eye contact.

It makes him groan loudly, his jerks into you, letting out his own moan from the sight. “Oh fuck, baby. Don’t play with me.”

You give in, force yourself to speak, you can’t let this end. “You, Negan!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes!” It’s so hard to speak, it comes out so pathetically.

“Who's making you feel like no one else?”

“You, Negan, it’s you!” Your moan turns into a pant, “It’s you, only you.”

He comes closer, his nose touches yours. His movements slow, but they don’t stop. He’s rocking into you now. “Only me?”

You don’t even think, “Who else? It's only you.”

His teeth sparkle, “Only me.”

“Only you, daddy.”

He laughs cockily, “So Daddy’s making you feel this good?”

“Yes, daddy. So good.”

You feel the groan he makes travel right to your clit, making it throb.

He kisses you, the corners of your lips to your cheek and neck and collarbones and back up again.

He restarts his pumping into you but his head remains close to yours. You decide to wrap one of your arms around his neck, pulling his hair, and the other hand travels down his back, holding him close.

Negan breathes you in, his head near the crux of your neck, hearing every little sweet sound you make that he’s never heard before. It all drives him wild, but then his eyes open. A question comes out that surprises you both: “Am I ruining your life right now?” He quietly asks.

“That doesn’t matter,” you say, breathing heavily from his touches, your eyes are still closed.

“I think it does.”

“You make me feel like no one ever has…” The bliss you feel from his current soft strokes and touches making it hard to speak, your voice is so light. “At least I got to experience it.” You open your eyes now, fingers tracing the cross drawn into his arm, “At least I got to see the real you.”

Your eyes say more than your words do. There’s a yearning and a sadness, an answer to what feels right in this moment, but an insight that there are doubts that could creep up later the more that you think about it.

“Just keep going,” you tell him, “I want to see you.”

You want to see him, you do see him. His head connects with yours again, and you moan into each other's mouths as he keeps pumping. Your legs come up to his hips and you’re not afraid to be loud anymore, to tell him how good it feels, how much you like him.

He takes your hands and places them over your head, crossing his fingers with your. It’s so pure, so lovely even when he’s going so hard down below. You hear your breaths heavy and your bodies slapping and the bed shaking.

You think about his skin, and his scratchy beard against yours, and the way you hate how he can make you smile by making the most ridiculous and raunchy jokes, and the way you love his voice, the way you can’t help but to like the way he cares for you.

“Negan,” you say weakly.

“Yes,” he responds intently.

“I’m gonna come,” you tell him. “I think I can.”

“Come for me,” he encourages, moving one of his hands down to rub your clit. “C’mon.”

“I’m gonna come,” you repeat, edging yourself on. Bucking up at his thrusts and his fingers.

“You can do it. Be a good girl. Do it for me.”

You swear the fireplace blazes louder and bigger, lighting up the whole room as you yell out, moaning once more as you orgasm.

Negan finally breaths out after, holding in for so long, and comes after you. His hands place themselves flat on the bed and he pushes in fast, riding out the high.

He scoops you up immediately, holding you in his arms. He doesn’t want to let go.

You two stay there for a moment until you look up. His hand caresses your face, “What is it?”

“I…” you were embarrassed to admit that you weren’t ready for it to all be over yet. “Can I ride you?”

A wiley smile appears on his face. He has to admit, he’s a little shocked you’re ready to go again, but he’d never turn it down. “Well, of course you can, babygirl.”

He flips you over, completely ready, but instantly, you become hesitant, almost overwhelmed. He was the world, not you, yet you were now above him. All the allowance to touch him anywhere you want at your disposal.

He puts his hands under his head, arms flexing. An ever wide smile present as he waits for you to begin. “You asked for it. Don’t get shy on me now.”

Your eyes grow excited again, deciding not to hold back, and you start to rock against him. You place you hands on his chest, feeling him up, touching his biceps, hands going over his tattoos— you could stare at them, at him, for hours. You honestly think you’d lick his whole body if he’d let you. And of course he probably would. To feel big and proud and irresistible while you look like a little desperate freak? You wouldn’t even have to ask him twice. Thinking about it and about how full his cock is making you feel, stretching and reaching all the right places, makes you moan and whine. You bucked your hips wildly, humming and giving him “mmms” because of how yummy it feels. You could do this forever.

“Ah- uh- Negan,” you moan and your stomach caves as you whine again and you hurl forward, continuing to rock but your pace is faltering. It’s becoming too hard and Negan can tell so he takes you by the hips, helping you move. First continuing to let your grind and then pushing you up and down his shaft so you can bounce on him. You push yourself up again, hand on his chest, pushing against it and you bounce along with his help. This was fun. You try to go faster and faster. It felt like being a kid on a playground.

“Open your eyes,” he demands. “Look at who you’re fucking, sweetheart.”

So you do, and moan at the sight of him, “Ohmygod,” you say. “You’re so handsome, Negan.”

He's so proud of you. Enjoying your actions, enjoying your noises. He groans as he sees your breast bounce and it makes you squeeze against him.

“Good girl,” he coos, “finally listening when you’re spoken to, about to make yourself come on daddy’s cock again.”

He starts to rub your clit again and you continue to bounce. It almost hurts because of how overstimulated you’ve become but you don’t tell him to stop. Your hands come to reach the headboard, helping you bounce harder. He tells you again how much of a good girl you are, how he loves that you’re not stopping, then he tells you how dirty and desperate you are for wanting him again after he already made you come. But he’s obsessed. This is all he’s ever wanted since the day he brought you here. His hands trail up from your hips to your waist and breast and back down again. There is nothing more he wants than to fuck you or for you fuck him.

You look down. You both notice your necklace still wrapped around your neck, almost nearing between your breasts, bouncing along with all of you. It reminds you of why you're here, why he gave it to you. It makes you have the realization he had… Was he ruining your life? Were you ruining your own? But how could you be when it all feels this good? It was completely screwed up, but everything felt so magnificently brilliant. His touch is everything, his voice is everything, his body is everything. It makes your hips stutter, it makes you moan, and at last, it makes you come again. You ride your high, going and going and going until you fall into his chest. His hands come to hold you tight thereafter.

Unthinkable bliss is all that is felt for a long moment… then… your head turns to the window. You remember what is out there and what isn’t in here.

A tear falls down your cheek and he realizes what’s happening when it falls onto his shoulder.

It hurts him now. To see you cry. It’s not fun anymore. You feel it, yes. You see what he saw, it’s true. But you aren’t really his wife. You’re nothing that is his at all. You both know that as well.

It takes you a long time to speak, you have to force yourself, but you do. “You have to let me go now.” You say it sternly but there is a sadness to it; a small part of you wants to not mean it even though you completely do, even though you do wish to stay here, to be enveloped by his embrace— you simply cannot forget.

“Mm,” he shakes his head, remaining leveled, “you know too much.”

“I barely know anything,” you say. “And not that anything I do know matters. Knowing the way around the Sanctuary isn’t going to help anyone when I know there is no way we could actually get in…. And what’s more important anyway is that I’m not changing my mind and you’re not either.”

“I’m not.”

“And I can’t. I wouldn’t. And they’re not going to. Never…. And if some of them die…” A whimper almost leaves you but you manage to swallow it, “I have to be by their side, Negan. I can’t only hear about it. I… I can’t see it next to you.”

His lips are pressed firm, his jaw is fixed and tight, almost like he’s grinding down on his teeth. The breath he takes through his nose could be a heavy sigh if he opened his mouth, but he doesn’t. He keeps it all in.

You words and their weight hang in the air for a moment before he finally speaks: “One of my guys that watches the armory doors has a shift that ends at 6:00 am… but at 5:50 I’m going to come up to him and tell him he gets off 10 minutes early that day, that I’ll wait for the next person to come.” He lets his words hang in the air for a moment, your confusion spirals before he keeps going. “It’ll be fucking weird, but he’ll look dumb as shit if he questions me, so he won’t. Then when he’s out of sight, I’ll leave. The next person is coming right at 6. That’s all you get. 10 minutes. A little less really.”

Your eyes round slowly as the stun continues to sink in. He’s… letting you leave.

“You take one gun and one knife. Just one. Don’t make it noticeable. I’m going to check. Then you go out of the back door that’s inside.” He didn’t have to tell you the way. “It should be easy, I know you’ve tried it before.”

You look down, taking in all he says, but then he turns you face to meet his, “If anyone sees you, I’m gonna have to make a show of it when they bring you back. Not what I want. But if I get there before you get out, maybe 5:58, just cause I’m an asshole, just to see you one last time… And if I do, I’m gonna turn you around and you’re stayin’. Fair?”

You nod. It’s small and light. You don’t question any of it, you can’t. “8 minutes.” You respond.

“8 minutes.” His voice is neutral, but underneath there was a tinge of solemnity to it. “8 minutes,” he says under his breath.

“What about now?”

“Now?” He asks. He didn’t think about it. He assumed you would want to go after this, after you got what you wanted. “Well,” he turns to his nightstand, “right now it’s half past 10.” He stares at you for a moment, you can’t tell what he’s thinking. This whole moment has felt so quiet, both eerie and gentle. You still weren’t used to the latter from him, even after what just happened. “You can go if you want. Sleep in your bed for one more night, or…” he stops, “You can stay with me, if you’d like.” His sigh is short and whispered but you both hear it, you feel its weight. “It’s your choice.”

You stare at each other for a moment. Your eyes trail all of his face and the arm that is still holding your own, adorned with all the tattoos and skin you had just fallen for. You wanted to study them and hold onto him forever. And his eyes: they said so much— there were so many little inflections, ones that you had finally read, and so many others you’ve yet to decipher. You desired to know him, but you had to go, so all you decided to do was to hold him. For now, you chose to stay, and hoped that your embrace would transfer the fact that the only reason it would be hard to leave is because of him and only him. You would remember this forever. “8 hours till 8.”

“8 hours till 8, kid.”

You close your eyes tight and nuzzle into his chest, A peace you had never known in the Sanctuary finally subsumed you. You feel free to finally tell him, “Thank you. I really do miss home.”

Home. There it is again. There was no malice in the way you said it, but there was still a pang from your melancholy words that made his heart throb. You missed home. And as peaceful as you looked, and as safely as you held onto him, your words reaffirmed that home was not here and it was not with him— no matter how you looked, and no matter the fact that you were allowing him to hold you for the night, to call you his. In the end, you were not.

He had to finally accept it.

“8 hours till 8,” are your last words until you finally drift to sleep. This would be your last and most tranquil night here. To you, it felt right, almost harmonious, albeit sad. This is how it was and how it was meant to be. You needed it.

But to him, it’s shattering. He doesn’t repeat the phrase back this time because, for once, he has nothing to say. The fire glow of the night has now withered into darkness.

You won.

He lost.

But both your hearts broke.

[greensaplinggrace]

do you have any darklina fic recs?

I certainly have a few! But first I want to clarify that I don’t really read fic when I’m writing it, and since I have so many fics in the works right now, I haven’t really been reading a lot of fanfiction. So this list probably won’t be as extensive as it could be.

Here are some other great fic recommendation posts, however:

DARKLINA FIC RECS by @vicioux

DARKLINA FIC RECS // part ii by @vicioux

Darklina Ruling the World Together Fic Recs by @clubofthestarlesssaint

Tumblr Ficlets

Aleksander’s First Memory by @kestrafagnor

Fivan Talk About Darklina by @jomiddlemarch

a little light in the great, big dark by @valkyrhys

Alina tells Mal she’s with Aleksander by @lorsanbitch

Darklina week day 5: intimacy & touch by @starlesscne

AO3 Fanfiction

if it ain’t me by larry_hystereks (Incomplete - 10/13 Chapters)

alina’s in her second year at Yale when she meets aleksander at one of his frat parties.

a hookup with the potential for more, only if alina wasn’t still struggling to piece herself together from last year’s breakup.

or: alina, zoya, their trust issues, and the men that fall for them

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I’m only at about chapter 6 of this fic currently, but so far it’s one of my all time favorite Modern AUs. The characterization for Alina and Aleksander is incredibly well done, and the entire fic itself is so feminist and queer in such a refreshing way. Aleksander and Alina are bisexual as fuck, both with their own separate complex lives, and much of Alina’s own traumas and relationships are explored outside of Aleksander.

There’s some Zoyalina, with Nikolina friendship and endgame Zoyalai. There’s some mystery and some tension, but nothing too extreme, and a lot of the fic is merely an exploration in growth and overcoming one’s history and learning how to move on in healthy ways. I love it.

She Wears a Collar (With My Name) by Ceris_Malfoy (Complete)

She is immortal, and whatever lingering hints of humanity she may have once had have long been bleached from her heart.

I will grant you one wish, boy, if it is in my power to do so. What does a Shadow Smith most want?

"You," he answers.

Written for Darklina Week 2021 - Day 2: Role Reversal

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This piece is just exquisite. This author’s writing style is one that I particularly enjoy. Their stuff is always so uniquely composed and crafted, and this one especially is a work of art. The way Darklina as a relationship is portrayed in particular is fascinating to me because it’s a role reversal but it’s still so complex. Aleksander’s character is nailed.

the bright sun was extinguish’d by athousandwinds (Complete)

Somewhere, deep in the dark forests of Ravka, a boy grows up on stories of Sankta Alina of the Wastes, the Sun-Scorched Saint.

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This fic is just straight up magnificent. It’s so engaging and I love love love the way a role reversed Aleksander who joins the army is portrayed. He reminds me so much of Demon in the Woods Aleksander, as if he’s exactly what a grown version of that young boy would be. When I say I adore his characterization in this I’m not lying.

If I wanted any completed fic I’ve read to have a second chapter, it would be this one.

Winter in the Little Palace by redisxwing (Complete)

Written for Yuletide 2020.

Baghra and Alina's wildly different perspectives on the Darkling, and how things could have gone if nobody listened to Baghra.

Warning: Baghra is written as a harsh and arguably abusive parent, and this is darkfic about that relationship, with a side of shipping. Everything is terrible (except the parts that are pretty much okay).

Canon divergence pretty much as soon as Alina gets lessons in summoning.

This fic is likely not compatible with King of Scars (or any subsequent work).

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As is said in the summary, this one makes Baghra a bit more extreme. If you’re a fan of Baghra, this fic probably isn’t for you. But since I’m not a fan of Baghra, I had no problems with it.

My biggest praise for this fic is in regards to the character interactions and the POVs. There’s a brilliant grasp of unique perspective and how to convey it, and that talent is carried over into the way character interactions are brought to life in the text. Also, there’s a scene where Alina gets kind of protective of the Darkling, which is one of my biggest weaknesses when it comes to Darklina.

Good Ideas by FelixRivers (Complete)

Alina Starkov had a very good idea. Aleksander Morozova would definitely agree. (or: Alina wants to go camping and Aleksander won't complain)

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This fic is just straight up adorable and hilarious. They’re such a cute couple and Alina’s POV is great. It’s just pure fluff and humor 💕

I’m not a bad girl, but I do bad things with you by SanktaJenya - @sankta-arya (Complete)

Winter had been hard on Old Baghra and Ana Kuya was worried about her, so she decided that Alina should make the trip to her cottage on the other side of the woods to bring her some food and kvas. On her way there, Alina meets a stranger...

Darklina Red Riding Hood/Company of Wolves AU

Darklina Week, Day 4, Fairytales

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This fic has a splendid grasp of tension and atmosphere. It’s very enchanting and dark and intriguing, and it nails those aspects with absolute precision. I love the style and the way the fairytale is incorporated into the narrative. It’s truly a masterpiece.

The Wretched by @aceofnowhere (Complete)

“We are strangers, but I want to help.” He growls at her, mocking and mistrustful. “I understand,” she said. “You think I am one of them. I certainly look like one of them. But I want to help you. Will you let me?” Prompt: fairytale. Alina saves a dragon.

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Okay so I’ve mentioned this one before as one of my Top 5 fics of all time and I still stand by that. I can’t even describe why I love this fic so much except that the pacing is amazing and the prose is stunning and the story is beautiful. Aleksander is a dragon and Alina is a witch, and their relationship is just so...interesting and fascinating and lovely. I would literally kill for this fic. There’s such a softness to it as well. Such a tenderness. Idk, I just really love it.

Show Me Who You Are (I Want To Know) by Ceris_Malfoy (Incomplete - 12/?)

Alina takes her future in her own hands and makes her own decisions.

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This is a great “what if Alina had stuck around after the reveal” rewrite. It doesn’t have Mal bashing and in fact still writes them as close friends, which is something I’m fond of in Darklina fics. Aleksander is allowed to be soft and Alina is allowed to be powerful, and I really enjoyed the take on their dynamics as a power couple wherein Alina is given a lot of control.

There’s something to be said for the way Aleksander is written in the scenes where he must be honest and earnest with Alina. I really enjoy the way they both come to equal ground, and I’m even more fond of the way Alina is allowed to grow darker without losing her light. She also engages a lot with quite a few other characters, developing tons of friendships and alliances on her own that help strengthen her as an individual character.

on this bridge between starshine and clay by @rhea-imagined (Complete)

"His breath narrows for a moment, his fist clenched tight before he forces himself to loosen it. She is his only opportunity for salvation, but vulnerability is not a cape he wears easily. “In those days, there was less prejudice against Shadow Summoners. But everyone fears the dark, in one way or another.” He does not look at her as he waits for the penny to drop, half-hoping it stays suspended in the air."

In which Alexander comes clean to Alina and tells her about his true identity in hopes that this will help convince her to take down the Fold.

A rewrite of the fountain scene in episode four, with a good!Darkling that is trying to make amends.

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This is my all-time favorite good!Aleksander AU. He’s kept in character despite the major changes made to his motivations, and Alina is given a lot more agency in her own story. It’s the first fic in what might become a series, but it can stand alone beautifully.

I love how Aleksander and Alina’s relationship is allowed to grow tense without breaking, and how it’s a clear sign of change but not abandonment. I love how both characters are able to think for themselves and become self-aware and are given the chance to think critically. I love the character interaction so much because it’s honest and fresh and engaging. Everything from the smallest action to the most off-hand thought is in character and meaningful and incorporated with an amazing style of writing. It’s a very refreshing piece, and the writing only makes it that much better.

Bunnies of a Feather Stitch Together by Ill_Ratte (Complete)

"Just as Alina called to the light, gathering and twisting it into a ball in her hands, the door swung open.

Kirigan blacked out the door frame. His appearance enough would have surprised Alina, but there was something clutched in his arm, something dark and floppy. It almost looked like the stuffed toys that had been passed around to the younger Orphans." - Alina and The Darkling bond over a love of soft things

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Soft stuffed animal shenanigans. Bits of trans!Aleksander, which I’m very fond of, as well as just a lot of fluff with a bit of something bittersweet and sad in a good way.

Half Lie by Ill_Ratte (Complete)

"Baghra always talked of the demon that had stolen her daughter." Or, Alina learns the hard way that the Darkling isn't the only one who deals in half-truths

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This one is trans!Aleksander, and it handles it in a very interesting way. It’s quite sad, and deals a lot with Baghra & Aleksander’s relationship through Alina’s POV. I want to give a warning for transphobia, because it does center around that a lot as the premise, but it really is worth the read if that isn’t a trigger for you. This is one of my favorite trans!Aleksander fics, and the way it handles emotion and grief and pain is quite extraordinary.

The CEO and Helioseismologist by mrthology (Complete)

Aleksander Morozova doesn't get sick. He's the CEO of one of the most successful companies in the world, one that he had built from the ground up with blood, sweat, and tears. He exercised daily (usually), maintained a healthy diet, and kept himself fit.

He wasn’t sick.

Too bad no one believed him. And too bad Genya decided to call Ivan to take him home before also calling Alina to take care of him.

Maybe, just maybe, being sick wasn't so bad. Especially not when he has such a wonderful girlfriend.

---

Both of the fics in this series are great, but I love this one in particular because I’m an absolute sucker for hurt/comfort. Anyone who’s been on my blog for a while knows that it’s my all time favorite trope to read, and this fic fits the hurt/comfort trope to a T in the best of ways. It’s very tender and in character, and Aleksander and Alina are so soft with each other. It’s adorable and really makes you feel for Aleksander, and the caretaking is done perfectly.

All the different layers of dark (thousand little suns) by Anuna (Complete)

One month after the Winter Fete, Aleksander returns to the Little Palace, and Alina has been missing him.

Or

Episode five canon divergence in which Alina had never left Os Alta.

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This one is soft emotional hurt/comfort smut. They’re both so open and vulnerable with each other, and it’s so beautiful to read. I love the writing style and the emotion in this one. It makes my heart ache in the best way.

An Honourable Man by liviy695 (Complete)

A reimagining of the scene after the winter fete. Alina catches a glimpse of a caring Darkling after he returns from integrating the Conductor. Plus, no Baghra interference.

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This one is what it says on the tin, in that Baghra doesn’t interfere and they’re allowed to talk after the Darkling interrogates the Conductor. But more than that, it’s a great imagining of how a scene where Aleksander reveals Marie’s death would have gone. There’s a sort of quiet to it that I appreciate, with grief and solemnity weighed against care and vulnerability.

I see the real you (even if you don’t, I do) by Anonymous (Incomplete - 8/?)

A series of questionable decisions lead Alina to meet the Black General a bit earlier. Butterfly effect ensues.

---

I’ve only read half so far (I hadn’t realized it had updated!! 👀👀) but I’m already in love with this fic. Alina’s dialogue and perspective is perfect, her relationship with Mal and the other cartographers is great, and I really enjoy how much personality she has. Aleksander is so smitten, but more than that, his characterization is soft but not weak. It feels almost as if he’s swept up by Alina, instead of the other way around, and I quite like that.

Of parenting by Anuna (Complete)

Alina finds out how her husband handled yet another parenting situation.

---

This is pure adorable Darklina parenting fluff and I live for it. Yet it doesn’t lack depth and in fact explored Alina and Aleksander’s relationship with parenting quite well.

i have a longing by LRCee - @ladylyannastark (Complete)

“So, Alina Starkov, risk-taker, how did you end up being editing’s newest wunderkind?”

Alina Starkov is rising in the publishing world. Singlehandedly responsible for editing (see: rewriting) the hottest book of the year, she lands a coveted spot at Morovoz Publishers. It's the position she's always wanted, at the biggest publishing house in the country. Life is perfect. That crush on her boss though, that's gotta go.

---

OKAY! I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH!! Let me tell you, as someone who is not too fond of Boss/Employee dynamics, I was very wary going into this fic. But boy did it deliver in a way that was perfect for me.

The relationship that develops between Aleksander and Alina is complex but healthy, and it never feels as if there’s too much of a power imbalance or anything that would make Alina feel forced or unhappy. The tension lies purely in how she fears others will perceive her, and not in how unhealthy her relationship with Aleksander is. For somebody who’s often attracted to unhealthy ships, I have to say that my favorite fics are usually ones that don’t have that type of dynamic between the characters. This fic delivers on that.

Also, Aleksander’s POV surrounding his struggle with his Russian heritage and his feelings for Alina is amazing, and has some of the best writing and characterization I’ve seen.

You receive: an evil demon; I receive: human souls by @aceofnowhere (Complete)

The next morning while she tried to tell herself it was a dream, that of course there wasn’t a fucking demon in her house, she found a note taped to her fridge.

“You might eat this shit,” it had written, “but I would like some fucking souls please.”

Darkling Week Prompt 7: free choice. Alina has a demon in her house.

This is absolute crack, and I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.

---

May I just say that this is the most fun I’ve ever had when reading a fic. It’s interesting with a bit of mystery, and Aleksander as a little shit of a demon is hilarious. Alina in this fic is great too. It’s such a unique take on her POV, especially when you reread it after knowing the ending. 10000/10, this fic is brilliant in every way and I love it.

I had been lost to you, Sunlight by BrytteMystere (Complete)

A Girl became a Woman, became a Sankta, became a Goddess.

Or: An Immortal Alina calls upon merzost to reunite with the Prince of Shadows she lost long ago. She may have lost herself in the process.

But then again, maybe time and endless wars did that instead.

---

You really just have to read this one to get it. It is utterly haunting and fascinating in the best of ways. The writing style is strange and novel and fits so well with the story being told. The composition of the fic as a whole is genius.

I Look Inside Myself (And See My Heart Is Black) by Ceris_Malfoy (Complete)

"When is a monster not a monster? Why, when you love it, of course."

Written for Darklina Week 2021 - Day 6: Favorite Quote • King & Queen • Monster

---

Once more, this author comes through with an absolutely breathtaking writing style and story. The imagery is elegant yet brutal, simultaneously horrifying and glorious. There’s a certain way these stories are written, like fairytales, where the beautiful becomes the macabre and becomes ever more stunning because of it. It’s very dark but in a good way - an almost bewitching way.

Afterlife by @aceofnowhere (Complete)

“You are asking me to leave?”

“Not asking, shadow,” she said. “Telling. Time to get unlost, loser.”

Day 3 Darklina Week prompt: Modern AU (I mean, barely)

Alina expels ghosts from purgatory.

---

@aceofnowhere once again bringing the best of the paranormal to the Grishaverse. Literally everything you write is amazing idk why I’m even pointing out individual fics when I could just rec your whole page. But anyways!! This is fun and interesting and Alina is a badass. Aleksander is, of course, compelling and dark and kind of a little shit, and it’s all incorporated seamlessly into an existential paranormal narrative.

Once Upon a Shooting Star by Ceris_Malfoy (Complete)

"But most of all, she was drawn to a vast darkness that reached out above all of them, a void so hungry for companionship that she knew she could fulfill."

---

Let. Alina. Be. Feral!! Anyways, I clearly have a type when it comes to storytelling, and it’s whatever the fuck this person has got going on. Feral!Star!Alina is literally the light of my life. Her interactions with not only other people but the world in general are so well done, but my favorite parts about this fic are the numerous ways her relationship with Aleksander is described and depicted.

I love the dark and light imagery, especially with how it’s portrayed as them filling in the gaps of each other’s lives and supporting each other instead of trying to block each other out. There’s such clear passion and joy and love and devotion between them. The central focus of this fic is on her and Aleksander’s relationship, the interplay between them and their powers and the way her light fills his loneliness, the passing of adoration and trust and reliance between them. It’s very beautiful and I love it.

A Blaze of Light by Keira_63 (Complete)

They discover the Sun Summoner in the burnt-out remains of the Shu laboratory in which she has spent the last seven years of her life.

Or, the Darkling finds himself with a Sun Summoner whose greatest wish is to burn Shu Han to the ground. He is happy to oblige her.

---

👀👀 Badass Alina and Badass Aleksander. The ultimate power couple, and Alina burning a path through Shu Han before they both burn a path through the world together. The darkness and rage in this one are handled very well, and the way that rage turns to coldness and then resolve is done so well. This fic is very cathartic and also very furious, and reading it is certainly a trip down emotion lane.

One more for the Road by Rist (Complete)

He returns to the war room shaken, and finds an Alina that cannot leave without at least having tried.

---

This one hurts so much but its soooo gooood!!! Very smutty but also very tender and very bittersweet. Sad and soft all at once. I just... love the way Alina and Aleksander are written so much, and Alina’s complicated feelings for him are explored in such detail and depth. This one is truly worth the read.

[hemo-nobin]

General Headcanons ; Hemo's Favorites

//First post! I wanted to start this off by plotting exactly how I’ll write these characters. Am I breaking my ‘three per headcanon’ rule? Yes, but I’m kind of on a writing kick at the moment and I feel like taking on a bit more. Anyways, have my personal favorites from the bunch! This may get a little ramble-y, I’m writing this from a place of massive hyperfixation,  but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum!

//Also! There’s a few more that I’m surprisingly unable to come up with too many ideas for at the moment. I’ll add them later if they don’t get requested before then!

Characters featured : Eyeless Jack, Jane, Hoodie/Brian, BEN Drowned

[Eyeless Jack]

Okay!! Honestly EJ’s been one of my favorites for a long while. There’s a few variations of his backstory that I’ve seen, but I’ll leave that up to your imagination. What I will say, though, is that I don’t picture him as human. 

Going off of the depiction I have from a plot I’m doing with someone else, he’s closer to a demon than anything. 

Jack’s a little stand-offish, not a total recluse but he’s wary of most new people that come into his life. He isn’t fearful, no, but there’s a slight difference between how he interacts with people he’s more comfortable around versus those he’s not quite used to yet. It’s the human part of him

Though, he can be a little smug sometimes. Isn’t afraid to flaunt his strengths - whether it’s his physical strength or vast knowledge on a few different topics. It’s mainly medical stuff, though he’s also familiar with a handful of other subjects

Jack tends to keep a stockpile of his ‘food’ in case something happens to prevent him from going out for more. It’s not a good thing if he goes hungry for too long…

The way he goes about getting his food supply varies depending on the circumstances. Generally he tries to keep the impact low, often drugging the victim to make sure they remain unconscious, taking what he needs, and stitching them back up before leaving. Sometimes, though, things stray a little more on the gory side…

[Jane]

This is going off of the story released by BanningK (Youtube link here! https://youtu.be/5lBNmRtPJr8). I listened to it while writing part of this and ended up really liking this variation of her backstory. 

So Jane-

Honestly the whole vigilante(?) thing she’s got going is super cool imo! 

She’s generally a cold, somewhat distant woman with a much warmer personality behind those icy walls.

Yet another one who has difficulty letting others in, though it’s for a different reason. She’d lost everyone she’d ever cared about, lost the life that she’d known. It’s not easy to just let someone else in after that. 

Survivor’s guilt? Survivor’s guilt. 

She still retains her interest in the darker things - true crime, the occult, things like that. Even if she’s still a little touchy on certain topics, her interests and curiosity propels her to push through. 

More calculated than you might think. She’s smart, meticulous, and sometimes a little over-prepared but after all she’s experienced? You can’t really blame her. 

I could also see her enjoying things like crochet? It’s more the aspect that keeps her hands busy and allows her to have something nice at the end of it, so anything like that falls into the same category. 

Likely takes walks whenever she’s feeling stressed or past trauma resurfaces. Prefers to do it while it’s light out considering she’d be going alone most times, though will occasionally go at night if someone else comes with her. Sure, she’s much more capable and could handle an assailant easily, but being attacked in the woods still kind of sticks with her. 

[Hoodie | Brian Thomas]

Okay so I love and adore all of the proxies BUT

I’m writing this coming off a full analysis of the Marble Hornets series and holy fuck.

Even if the ‘canon’ for Creepypasta doesn’t exactly mesh with MH I don’t c a r e

Onto the actual headcanons! You likely won’t see much of Brian anymore, not after everything that’s led him to this point.

Quiet as hell. I don’t mean this in the sense that he doesn’t talk much (which is also true), he’s the type to sneak up on people without even meaning to. Has likely scared the others on a few occasions by just popping up out of nowhere.

Fairly chill outside of missions. Even if he’s not present too often he’s definitely more on the relaxed side (especially compared to some of the others). 

If one does manage to get on his good side, expect to have a very loyal friend. Things might be a little finicky at the very beginning, but his paranoia will die down pretty fast after that point. 

Will sometimes just...disappear for a couple days. No one really knows where he goes, but he always ends up coming back sooner or later. The others learned to stop asking pretty quick, there's no getting answers out of him.

[BEN Drowned]

One word - s h i t h e a d

A fucking menace.

I’m not sure if I think of him as more of a demon or a malevolent spirit, but it’s somewhere around there. 

There’s two sides to him - most times he’s pretty mellow, has a tendency to mess with the others but he’s pretty cool with the others. Other times? It’s scary how he gets when going after a victim. 

It’s not much of a secret, but Ben isn’t the type to take his work quickly. He’s meticulous in the way he works. Even if it’s more time consuming than he likes, it’s undeniably effective. Without getting into the gory details, let’s just say the end result is never a pretty sight. 

Also has a tendency to people watch! Not by normal means of course, it’s more like he picks someone (most times at random, though if someone catches his interest he might come back) and just watches them from behind the screen. 

Will stay in his room for days at a time if he’s really invested in something. Even if he doesn’t exactly need to eat or drink he has a mini fridge stocked to hold him over. 

All in all, he’s a fucking degenerate. 

[dragonsareourfuture]

Death Note as Stand-Up Comedians

Mello

- he’s allowed to complain about Near in front of an auditorium full of people as long as it’s in the form of a joke — of course he loves it.

- He has a lot of passion up on stage. The audience loves it because it makes them feel really immersed into the show.

- Mello has a tendency to get really loud when he gets really into a joke or bit, so the tech crew has gotten used to lowering the volume on his mic as the show progresses and he gets louder and louder.

- Mello has a harsh sense of humor, often using exaggerations and sarcasm to accentuate a point.

- He would tell stories from his time at Wammy’s house, mainly the chaos moments with Matt because the rest is pretty traumatizing for him.

- It’s his style that draws people in and his sense of humor that keeps them there. He has a very unique clothing style and, even when his managers suggested he dress down for the show as to not scare people away, he refused. He said that he would rather show who he is upfront and let the public decide whether or not to invest time in him than fake his personality for people he doesn’t know or give a shit about. They got the hint pretty quickly after that.

- He would sometimes do joined shows with Matt, which is quite interesting. Their dynamic works perfectly on stage and they even weave jokes that weren’t scripted into the show to keep each other on their toes.

Matt

- He’s a pretty chill guy, so I picture his sense of humor as pretty dry. Not in a bad way, of course. For instance, he tends to say the most hilarious things with a straight face and flat tone, which somehow makes the joke even funnier.

- He likes to involve the audience a lot, so gags where he (with permission) takes an audience member’s phone and reads their texts aloud are common. Somehow he can make jokes about the most mundane of text conversations and have the audience howling.

- Like I mentioned earlier, he and Mello’s contrasting senses of humor work for a perfect dynamic when performing, so shows where they’re together are the audience’s favorite. But even though Mello’s wild passion can take the spotlight at times, Matt is never overshadowed as they’re both sure to include the other in any bit or joke they do.

- For no reason at all I think Matt it great at imitations and impressions of different people. So, like when he’s doing a bit and speaking for someone else he can assign voices for everyone and the audience knows who he’s supposed to be speaking as in that moment. Usually these people are only known to him and Mello, so the audience can’t tell how exactly spot on he is. His impression of Near gets Mello wheezing, and his Mello impression gets the audience wheezing with Mello constantly claiming “I don’t sound like that, idiot!” With the audience shouting “YES YOU DO!”

L

- L’s sense of humor tends to require a specific taste, which is why he would probably be one of the least successful of the bunch.

- Don’t get me wrong, his sense of humor is adorable and one of the best aspects of Death Note in my opinion, but it comes in short and random bursts. He’d be talking about something serious and then crack a joke (“yEs tHat mUst Be dArK”), so it requires patience to really get to his sense of humor.

- The audience, I feel, wouldn’t have the patience to stick around and wait for his humor to surface.

- But L would have a cult following of a specific group of people that appreciate his talents.

- I’m picturing a show in which he starts off by talking about some cases, and transition to jokes from there. Due to his occupation, many jokes involve a darker sense of humor but also contain surprisingly innocent little remarks or comments. I can’t really explain it better, it makes sense in my head but I’m not too sure how to put it into words.

- Most of the show he keeps his straight face, but when he gets the audience going from something he said he can’t help but crack a little smile and chuckle into the mic pretty bashfully.

Near

- I’m sorry but Near doesn’t have too much of a sense of humor. But he does do or say some of the most hilarious shit on accident.

- It was actually Halle that convinced him to take up stand up comedy, as she got to spend tons of time just sitting and talking with him, cracking up at something Near said while he just stared at her in confusion.

- She had complete and total confidence that just plopping Near on stage and telling him to “just talk” would get the audience going, so she took him to a bar that did stand up comedy nights. Near absolutely killed it.

- Eventually he learns what the public finds funny through experimentation and tells those kinds of jokes more often, learning to perfect his craft. Through this method he is able to go from ‘accidentally funny’ to ‘intentionally hilarious’.

Light

- I wholeheartedly believe that Light has no sense of humor. Period.

- Sure, he’s accidentally funny sometimes but not enough to fake it ‘til he makes it like Near did.

- So he gets someone else to write his show for him. He’s just a pretty face, and the person who wrote his show is mentioned once or twice but who really cares about them? It’s Light who’s doing all the work, obviously. He’s the one getting sweaty up on stage.

- Honestly he barely has a sense of humor he’s probably just do it as a side thing for recognition or like most youtubers who write a book or start a podcast.

Matsuda

- Okay so, I definitely think that Matsuda would be one of the most successful stand up comedians out of all of them.

- He’s just so bubbly and kind and just genuinely a wonderful person so who could walk out of a show if his unsatisfied? No one. That’s who.

- My mans here has the opportunity to make so many self deprecating jokes due to how the task force treats him and how he’s just overall looked at as inferior to everyone he works with. And guess what? He doesn’t take that opportunity at all. He thinks self worth is the most important thing in the world and instead focuses his jokes around break room stories and observations of every day life.

- However if he ever does make a self deprecating joke, it’s never with any hatred towards himself. Like, he’ll joke about how his recklessness got him in trouble with Yotsuba, but instead of cursing the trait he has, he always expresses his hopes to get better and learn from his mistakes. Meanwhile the audience is dying at how he tells the story with so much energy and just— ...he’s wonderful.

- He just reminds me of John Mulaney when I picture a show of his.

- He’s pretty goofy by nature and you can tell that he’s enjoying himself up on stage, watching him laugh at his own jokes and beam at the audience with a smile so bright it could rival the spotlight shining down on him.

- He also really likes the attention, having been pushed to the side for so long.

- He’s just overall a really nice and positive guy while also being hilarious to listen to. 10/10.

Misa

- With her already existing music career and fashion career, people know her pretty well. Therefore, there is a HOARD of people waiting to see how she fairs at something so different from her previous career paths.

- And y’know what? Misa’s great at it.

- I’d like to imagine she’s out of her terrible relationship with Light in this au and realize how messed up he was, so I think she’d do a lot of clowning Light in her shows.

- She will kinda mix the comedy with valuable life lessons on relationships, so a lot of fans come up to her and thank her because they let their kids watch her shows and they’ve learned so much from her while being entertained for a good hour.

- Also her voice is so cute and pleasant to listen to I would gladly listen to her talk for a week let alone an hour.

- I imagine her style of show and humor to be along the lines of straight up ranting and just talking her heart out. You know that friend that can talk for hours but it’s okay because they make everything, even the most mundane things, sound dramatic and fun and lively? Yeah, that’s her.

[egelantier]

guess who binged the entirety of leverage: redemption in 24 hours? i did, i did, even though i had to psych myself up a bit first. leverage was one of vanishingly few american/english-speaking TV shows that didn't let me down, didn't meander or lose the plot or did the characters dirty or lost its sense of hope and kindness and beautifully lived-in humor, and i was so afraid the sequel is going to mess it up. hardison's not there? new-ish lineup? noah whyle? (rant about him pulling the blanket onto himself and messing up with the nice ensemble show on librarians omitted for time).

what if they did it wrong? what if they're too egregiously dated or embarrassing? what if rogers forgot how to write eliot/hardison/parker? aaah. i had so much anxiety!

and now i have to report that NO EVERYTHING WAS EXCELLENT AND GREAT AND IT'S THE BEST SEQUEL EVER AND I'M SO GRATEFUL IT EXIST. GO WATCH IT NOW. IT'S A RAY OF JOY IN THIS TURBULENT WORLD AND I LOVE IT.

ahem.

dumping a bunch of spoilery and unspoilery reactions under one undiscriminating cut:

i loved how they dealt with timothy hutton not being on the show anymore, and by extension with nate's character, who was, for me, a very important part of the story: with nice verve and gravitas, and selling it with emotions, not just plot convenience.

eliot, hardison and parker are extremely, extremely, extremely married. i'm not sure, by the vibe, if it's an equal triangle of hardison-centered v with eliot and parker being platonic buddies, but yes, those are people who spent eight years together. (and banging.) the in-jokes! the synchronisity! the klingon! the nerdspeak! eliot calling hardison 'babe' at least two times! parker's incredibly inappropriate delight over hot, tight, new vents! god, if they only ever interacted in this pilot, i could live on it forever, and it continued, and it was great.

i'm extremely sad they didn't had hodge for the duration of the show, because apparently he grew from magnificent to incandescent in the interim, but the way they did it was absolutely amazing and worked extremely well for his character (and eliot/parker/hardison family too).

eliot is always my growly favorite, and the best thing about his show is how it's very… without being spelled out too much, it's visible that in those eight years, he's let go of last of his grief and rage and guilt, and he's happy. he's got his soul back, entire, he has his family and his world-changing job and his hobbies and his joys, and he knows that redemption is a lifetime work, and he's doing it with a smile. it was just great to see him, every moment of screen time.(he also kept his habit of being into very tall warrior women, which i can imagine fitting in with his family with no problem, and: good for him. i'm sad they didn't get mikel back for this particular beat, but it was still great.)

parker: sheer delight. just, she's still very much parker in all her gorgeous and gloriousness parker-ness, but she grew into it and into herself and into a variety of roles without reserve and without a limit, and i love her.

brianna the new baby hacker, hardison's baby sister, was SUPER good, fitted the crew like she was always there, and had a variety of great and fun relationships with the entire team. loved her.

SOPHIE: flat out stole the show. i always liked her, but secondary to the ot3, but: she brought so much weight into this reunion tour, her power and her grief and her mischievous streak and her ruthlessness and her hilarity, it was amazing. and i loved how she was very - she was her age in a way that you very rarely see on tv, i think. she and parker both, but sophie especially. my heart for her.

harry the dirtbag lawyer turned good, aka noah whyle: surprisingly great! they didn't give him a mastermind role, which would've killed the show for me, but instead drew him in as an overwhelmed but quickly invested and happy newbie with a lot of sins to atone for, and his bumbling and enthusiastic delight (with some darker underneath) fit the crew dynamics very well without being overpowering or distracting. good for him, and good for the show.

ELIOT LEARNED KLINGON FOR HARDISON AND PARKER DID TOO I REPEAT.

hardison's nanna is alive! and used to fbi on her doorstep.

sadly no sterling or bumbling interpol agents.

eliot made an aging security agent friend who bakes on one of the jobs, and it was adorable.

'LET'S LURE HIM IN AND ALL STAB HIM WITH THE FORKS.'

i laughed my entire ass off the george martin bit. oh show.

ELIOT JOUSTING: THANK YOU, GOD AND JOHN ROGERS. THANK YOU.

the updated and modernized cases - i recognized shkreil, but i'm sure everything else is also america- and current-world based, because the center cannot hold, et cetera - is sliding juuuuuuuuust to the line of being pleasant wish-fulfillment - if only there was a team of genius criminals to punish the unjust and save the innocent! - without being too bitter. i was worried about this aspect, and some of it is too on the nose, but - this was always leverage.

still no gay people, unless this one word in brianna's speech meant she was non-hetero in some unspecified way. that's a pity.

at least two of the marks had anxiety/ptsd that the team exploited in a way that was also very borderline to me: like, on one hand it should be recognized that mental illness doesn't excuse you from being a monstrous asshole to other people, and on the other hand, i wish the devs would learn their lesson from white rabbit job and just, like, don't. but whatever.

parker's cinderella dress, ehehehe.

"you just flipped your hair, eliot."

a surprising amount of the show, for all that it's, as always, hilarious, was - i'd say the entire theme was - about grief, and about grieving for the unfixable and lost, and continuing to move. i liked it a lot, and while sophie carried a lot of it, pretty much everybody had a bit of their own to do, and they all just - grew so much.

in conclusion: ah, ah, ah. what love.

[sorry-rosie]

lol i'm dumb. I didn't realize when you posts that otp ask, it meant that people can ask you about the pairings depending based on the numbers LOL. I'm really new to the tumblr trend. Now that's out of the way, let me pick some numbers. 8, 15, 21(this one especially) 28

Oh no worries! It takes some getting used to. With these things you can send however many numbers or prompts in as you want and I'll get cracking, by the way. 

I’ll do #28 in another post soon because I got another sent in for it and keeping the naughtier ones separate means this safer post can get discovered in tumblr searches easier. ^^’

➼ [8] What were their first impressions of each other?

Ethan was a complete nerd, that’s what Mia knew just from seeing him. Not that she has anything against nerds, but he was just adorable in how geeky he was with technology and a bit awkward, endearingly so. Plus it didn’t help that he was sporting his rather large glasses when she first laid eyes on him. And khakis. In addition, he had a cute face and voice that drew her to him. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything, just another potential relationship of many that Mia gave a fair shot in a few dates, but thankfully those dinner dates ended up selling her on the idea of being with him. 

Mia was a complete bundle of sunshine, that’s what Ethan took away from her. Something about her drew his gaze instinctively, impulsively. He had already seen her occasionally on campus of their college in cafes, but he doubted she noticed him. Not until he grew enough courage to take the first move at least. But from what he could tell, either observing her and her friends or talking to her for the first time, she was optimistic and hard-working. The type that filled a day with work and still ended up smelling like roses at the end of it all, somehow. Boundless energy. He felt a little intimidated simply talking to her since she outpaced him, so it took time on their dates for their energy to match and sync up better. 

➼ [15] What are traits they dislike in one another?

Mia thinks Ethan is lost in his head a lot; she'd be fair in thinking that. He's a quiet person, so sometimes it's hard for her to know exactly what he's thinking when he perhaps incorrectly assumes they're on the same page. They do that for each other often, actually, what with Mia’s secretive side. They’re prone to some miscommunications that could easily be avoided.

Mia also sort of dislikes Ethan's naiveté and rashness. It is more complicated since his idealistic views of the world at times are quite uplifting for someone who has seen the darker parts of that world first hand, and his impulsive nature was what ultimately saved her in the Baker estate (and later Rose). But he is so rash and naïve that it is his own downfall, with foolishly believing that there’s someone better in Mia and deciding to still forgive her countless times. Sometimes, she wants him to put himself first, just for once, because no one person can be that selfless. She just wants him to be safe, even if it means a life without her. But he’ll always put her and Rose first. If anything, it makes her wonder ruefully what she did to deserve him. Despite Mia’s somewhat dislike of his idealism, she’ll do anything to protect it, him, from the truth.

Ethan is rather over-protective and could be prone to being obsessive, which Mia grew rather annoyed with when she was still working for the Connections. It felt like nothing escaped his notice, as much as Mia tried to lie to him. He certainly didn’t make things easy, but at least he cared that much for her to go to such lengths. But he’s at least learned from then to slack off with it, but it kicked in a bit once again as he entered into parenthood. This is true for them both.

As much as Ethan dislikes Mia’s secretive side and feels hurt since he feels like they’re leading separate lives at times, he at least grew to understand her better. Why she does it. How to better get her to open up. But still, when she was working for the Connections, he couldn’t help but have an over-active mind. When she leaves him in the dark, it’s hard not to think the worst. It’s the not knowing part of it all that for him hurts him far more than the truth. At times, he feels like she doesn’t trust him enough to tell him.

Mia, even more so after the Baker incident and giving birth, never lets go of grudges. She’s often justified or true in feeling very conclusively about people, like her distrust of Chris and the BSAA particularly, what with the events in Europe. She’s seen corrupt organizations first hand and she could pinpoint one when it’s right in front of her face. However, Ethan is far too forgiving and kind to hold such grudges. They don’t butt heads on it often, since Ethan understands why she is this way. But still, he only wants her to be happy and holding onto these grudges, even ones she has against herself, only leads to more resentment.

Overall however Ethan just adores her too much to seriously dislike much about her, if anything. Unconditionally so. Or perhaps a love of all aspects of her, flaws and all.

➼ [21] How have they changed each other for the better/for the worse?

Mia often gets lost thinking about how better Ethan’s life would be if he never met her. Never left to go get her in Louisiana, at least. In those three years he could’ve already moved on like she told him to do in the video. There were widowers, she was sure, that were remarried in far less time. What use was it though? She knew he was different, he’d never want to move on without her. He’d never even consider leaving her. But a bigger part of her selfishly still wants to be by his side, even if she was, is, still a negative force in his life, as much as his nightmares are caused by her. He could never go back to his old life.

But Ethan saw the best in people. He loved her anyways, in spite of everything. Mia wants to be better, for him at least, the man who still looked at her with those unblinking, silently worshiping eyes. She hated to see her reflection in them, but his undoubtable adoration for her still prevailed. They both vowed, promised, to start over and that’s what they were going to do. As much as their new lives were interrupted occasionally by the BSAA poking and prodding them, dictating many parts of their day-to-day, they could confidently be assured still that they were together in the end, peaceful, to an extent. Life would never be easy now, they both agreed, but at least they would be safe in each others’ arms.

The ultimate proof of their love, the one that still survived despite everything, came in the form of Rose. Mia almost didn’t believe she could get pregnant, but the tests stared back at her, all positive. At first, she was terrified, that she’d ruin another life like she always did. But perhaps this was her chance at redemption, finally, and as she felt her move around she felt all the more terrified of herself. That she’d fail her, just as she did Eveline. That she was screwed up in the head to even be able to have a child with her husband, whose only life support was the mold. But those fears eventually subsided and the pregnancy brought them both joy as she obsessively eyed her ultrasounds, looking for defects only to find none. Finding happiness in talking over baby names and buying things for her.

Then, a psychotic woman she used to work with targeted them to get to Rose. Separating the child into crystalized little pieces. With every step they took towards normalcy, towards peace, they were dragged back into hell by Mia’s choices years ago. The past would follow them everywhere. And just like that, he was gone. A man who already defied death many times, invincible, dead. The life he couldn’t have, in his final moments, flashed before his eyes. Sure, he had regrets. But he was at least content in his wife and child’s safety. The years he did have with his family, with all their hitches... He didn’t regret it. He’d still do it all over again. Mia knew he was that foolish, as Chris later told her that Ethan apologized and said that he loved her in his last words. 

Only he would be sorry for dying on her. After everything she’s done, she could only feel sickened by everything that’s happened. It would take a long time for her to get past him, if it was even humanly possible. The answer is complicated. While they’ve both definitely changed each other for the worse through years of heartache and turmoil, they both also gave each other true happiness, satisfaction, if only for a little while. Shown each other that they could be changed, complicated people, but still want to crawl back to each other. And while Mia, newly widowed, looks down upon the freshly settled wasteland of the explosion weeks later out of curiosity, she thinks that Ethan teased things out of her no one else could. She was a better person now, wasn’t she? More mature. Less selfish. Maybe his good nature had snuck up on her over the years. He had that way about him of making even the most stubborn of people change.

[i-am-a-bad-influence-writes]

Boys are raised to be men. Part 2 - Facts of life

Series Masterlist - Bucky Masterlist - Full Masterlist

Summary: Things are different outside the city. When Bucky moves out of the city to live closer to his father’s best friend, Steve, he meets a peculiar girl from a strange family. She’s loved by everyone in the village and like him, she’s missing a limb. And, to Bucky’s surprise, she’s determined to make him part of her life.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word count: 3368

Author’s note: I am not disabled and I couldn’t ever imagine what it’s like. If you have anything to not about that aspect of the story, please send me a message so I can fix possible mistakes or misunderstandings in upcoming chapters. Also, let me know if you want to be tagged in future updates.

The street the Parker/Stark family lives on is a lively one. Most people have known each other since birth with a few odd ones out. When Peter first came to their street at four years old he adored the small village. He liked the way the end of the street leads to a meadow, he liked the playground across the street, and he liked that his sister was there to show him everything. Though most get rebellious around their teen years, you liked showing your little brother around. You were always a peaceful girl and you enjoyed having someone to take care of. That’s also how your spring Saturday group came to be. When Peter started making friends, you took it upon yourself to supervise them at least once a week so they could play in the meadow. And when Tony came into the picture, you would drag him along. Your mother adored seeing the three of you together in the meadow as it seemed to put all of you at ease. You never stopped doing your spring Saturday group. Not even when you lost your mother. You found comfort in seeing the children play. You dragged Peter along in hopes it would cheer him up as well but it never did. He found other ways to mourn. The one thing that you did do together every single year, without fail, is watching the cow dance. Watching the cows come outside for the first time after winter and seeing them buck and gallop in joy is the most wonderful thing to see. It gives a hopeful feeling. After every winter comes spring.

‘Y/n! Two men are waiting outside! Hurry up,‘ Tony yells up the stairs. ‘Don’t yell! I’m almost done,‘ you yell back as you check yourself in the mirror. Your red lipstick looks decent enough, you have done it better but you have done it worse as well. Hair, well, it’s still a bird’s nest but at least it looks nicer than it normally does when you throw it up in a bun to keep it out of your face. Leg? Feels good, seems to be on right, and on full display under your navy wrap dress. You wanted to put on a pair of pants but opted for a dress to make sure Bucky wouldn’t feel like the odd one out. The door to your room flies open and Peter rushes in, jumping straight onto your bed. ‘So you’ve got two toy boys now?‘ ‘Bugger off Peter, I don’t have toy boys,‘ you snap back, hopping on your good leg as you try to put a sock on your metal leg. Not that you need it. It’s just the normality in it. ‘So whatcha think about James?‘ You roll your eyes and sit down on the bed with him to put a sock on your good leg. Hopping on your metal leg isn’t exactly the most comfortable. You ruffle a hand through his hair as you get back up. ‘Why are you interested? From what dad told me, you almost ran when you saw him.‘ Peter pushes your hand away and huffs, crossing his arms in front of his chest like a little child. ‘Don’t blame me. The man looks like a damn gangster with his missing arm and all that.‘ You laugh. ‘I’ve got a missing leg. Am I a gangster now?‘ ‘He rides a motorcycle.‘ ‘First of all, I doubt that. Secondly, so do Thor and Natasha.‘ ‘They’re intimidating too,‘ he yelps, slightly offended at the notion that his own sister is not taking him seriously. ‘Thor couldn’t even hurt a fly if he tried. Okay, I’m off,‘ you chuckle, ‘don’t miss me too much.‘ You walk out of your room with Peter running after you. You close the door behind him while he stomps his way down the stairs. ‘Pick up your feet Peter!‘ ‘Yes miss Potts!‘ You come downstairs after him and do a little twirl for your dad and Pepper who are seated in the living room. ‘What do you think?‘ ‘Oh, you look stunning dear,‘ Pepper awes at you. Tony seems a little less satisfied. He’s used to your normal jeans and shirt combo that you had started to wear more and more in the past few years. Somewhere in his mind, he knows it’s to hide the leg but when you suddenly show this much skin he can’t help but be worried. Though, getting with someone was never a problem for you. Not even in your old jeans and worn-out t-shirts. ‘Yeah, I don’t like it. I don’t want another man sneaking out of my house in the morning, go change,‘ he tells you, gesturing you to go back upstairs. Pepper hits him in the chest with a surprised look on her face. ‘Tony, how dare you? She looks beautiful and I think she’s old enough to decide those things for herself,‘ Pepper defends her. ‘Thank you, Pepper,‘ you smile. ‘No problem dear.‘ ‘Fine,‘ Tony sighs, ‘but just go with the guy instead of bringing him here.‘ You laugh and wave them goodbye. You put on your tennis shoes in the hallway and your winter jacket as the nights can still get quite chilly. ‘You got your phone and keys,‘ Tony yells after you. You do a quick pat-down of your jacket. ‘I do!‘ ‘Have fun!‘ ‘Thanks, dad!‘ You open the door and skip over to the two men waiting for you. They don’t notice you being too deep in their conversation until you step between them and hook your arms around each of theirs. ‘Gents, ready to go?‘ ‘Always,‘ Sam grins at you. ‘Whatever you say doll,‘ Bucky smiles. He looks a lot more at ease in your opinion. You knew he would like Sam.

Crocker’s Folly is an old bar. The kind of bar that you go to, to drown your sorrows in a glass of whiskey while the barmaid shoots you knowing glances. It had been a while since Bucky went to a bar like that. Mostly because the people are friendly and tend to ask too many questions. When he lost his arm he didn’t want to be asked questions, so he’d rather drown his sorrows at home than at a bar. Though this is a nice change of pace. With the nicer spring weather, it seems the bar has opened its outside seating again and a group of people has already pulled some tables together to sit close to a fireplace that would surely be turned on when the night gets colder. You let go of the men by your sides and runs over to the group, throwing yourself around the necks of the two redheads sitting side by side. They cheer as they see the three arrive. Bucky feels a bit out of place. Sam notices and puts a hand on his shoulder. ‘Everyone, this is James Barnes, he goes by Bucky. Don’t ask me why because I do not know,‘ Sam tells the group, ‘Bucky, that’s Wanda, Natasha, Vision, don’t ask, Thor, Pietro, and Loki.‘ ‘You’re seriously going to introduce me with that embarrassing nickname but not the others,‘ Vision asks Sam. ‘Victor isn’t any better.‘ Vision sighs and leans back in his chair. Bucky can’t help but be a little confused at the display. Yet, he doesn’t ask any questions as he is bracing for questions about this arm but they never come. Instead, Thor and Pietro go to work on putting another table with the two they already have to widen the circle while Loki grabs the new arrivals some chairs. ‘Is everyone ready for another round? On me,‘ you announce as you make her way to the door. The group cheers in agreement. You slip inside, leaving Sam and Bucky with the group. Bucky decides to take the middle chair, leaving the chair next to the girls empty as Sam takes a seat next to Loki. ‘When’d you move here,‘ Pietro asks the guy in a thick, Russian accent. ‘A few days ago,‘ Bucky answers, ‘had to get out of the city.‘ Pietro lifts his, almost empty, glass at Bucky as if to accept his answer. He throws the last sip back and puts his glass back on the table. ‘You live next to old man Steve, right,‘ Natasha asks him, leaning forward a little to get a good look at him. Bucky nods. She nods at his nodding and leans back again. “What a strange woman,“ Bucky thinks. But before he can much more of an opinion, you come back outside with a man behind you who’s holding a tray of beer. You help him pass the beer around before you take a seat next to Bucky. ‘To our growing group of degenerates,‘ Sam jokes. The group calls cheers and brings their glasses to their lips, all taking a big sip. After that, it takes the group less than a few seconds to start chatting around. You happily explain everything that needs context to Bucky as the night progresses. ‘Are ya’ll going to the cow dance Saturday,‘ Thor asks the group, ‘not you Y/n, I know you’re taking the kids to see it.‘ ‘The kids,‘ Bucky asks. “Does Y/n have kids?” ‘I take the children in the village out to play every Saturday afternoon,‘ you quickly explain to him. ‘And the cow dance?‘ ‘When the cows come into the fields for the first time after winter,‘ you smile, ‘it’s fun. You should come.‘ ‘There’s a party at the pub after,‘ Sam whispers to him, ‘that’s the only reason all of us go.‘ ‘That’s no true,‘ you yelp in a laugh, ‘you’re all just “too masculine“ to admit you enjoy watching cows frolic.‘ ‘Okay, fair point,‘ Sam admits, ‘but the drinking is fun too.‘ You sigh. ‘Fine, yes, the drinking is fun too.‘

The later the night gets, the more the group divides into smaller groups. Thor, Loki, and Pietro have gone to sit with a group of girls in a darker corner. Wanda, Vision, Natasha, and the bartender, aka Bruce, are sitting on a few couches together and being all cute and couple-y. Sam got lost somewhere. And Bucky and you are still seated next to the heather. Bucky notices how you shoot glances at Pietro who is very obviously flirting with another girl. ‘Are you two a thing?‘ ‘No, it’s just sex,‘ you tell him straight up, ‘but there’s a rumor that that girl has an STD. I don’t like to believe rumors but I am wary when it comes to my sex life.‘ Bucky almost spits out the sip he just took because of the blunt words leaving your mouth. You laugh. ‘Oh come on, you didn’t think I was that innocent.‘ ‘Honestly, I did think that,‘ Bucky tells you between coughs. You smile and take a big swig from your beer, finishing it. ‘You’d be surprised how many people aren’t who they seem,‘ you tell him and get up, ‘you want another one?‘ He nods and watches you go inside. Wow. Little miss “I take the children in the village out to play in the field every Saturday“ isn’t innocent at all. Who would’ve thought? While you’re gone, he takes a second to scan the area. Wanda and Vision are obviously a couple and so are Natasha and Bruce. Then there’s Loki who, according to Y/n, wouldn’t be able to keep a stable relationship if his life depended on it. Thor, who is in love with a farmer’s daughter who doesn’t want him at all. From what Y/n just said, Bucky thinks Pietro is just trying to fuck the whole town. And then there’s Sam. It’s obvious to Bucky that Sam sees Y/n as a sister but he doesn’t seem to have any interest in other women. In fact, he doesn’t seem interested in anyone. Maybe he’s got a girl at home, maybe he’s interested in Y/n, maybe he’s just not interested. Sam raises his hand to greet Bucky and walks over, leaving the conversation he was having with another group of people to come sit with him. ‘Did the little lady leave you,‘ he teases, taking her seat on the opposite side of the table. ‘Nah, she just went to get drinks.‘ Sam takes a peek through the glass doors to see the girl standing at the bar, chatting with the bartender that’s still on shift. ‘You know, I see the way you look at her,‘ Sam tells him, ‘and I get it.‘ ‘I’m sorry?‘ ‘You like her, right?‘ ‘Well, yeah, but not like that,‘ Bucky tells him, ‘I just feel a bit closer to her because of the-‘ ‘The arm, leg thing. I get it,‘ Sam nods, ‘just know that she won’t want to talk about it, but I don’t think you want to talk about it either.‘ The look in Sam’s eyes is brotherly and protective like he’d do anything to keep Y/n happy. Bucky nods, shrinking in his jacket again. ‘Sam, don’t bully him,‘ you call over as you see the two, ‘and you took my chair.‘ The seriousness disappears from Sam’s face as he looks at you. ‘Don’t worry princess, I’ll get you another one,‘ Sam says and clumsily reaches over to an empty chair that is juuuuuust in reach if he leans over far enough. You roll your eyes and put the beers on the table, walk around Sam to grab the chair yourself. ‘Oh, beer,‘ Sam grins and takes one of them. ‘Don’t you dare birdbrain,‘ you snap at him in a joking way as you sit down on your chair. He slowly lifts the glass to his lips. ‘I swear to God, I’m going to castrate you.‘ Bucky laughs quietly. ‘Steve’s going to keep you to that,‘ he tells you. ‘As he should,‘ you reply and manage to snatch your beer from Sam’s hand before he can take a sip, ‘get your own beer you leech.‘ Sam pretends to have been hurt, putting his hand to his heart and crying in pain. ‘On princess, such cruel words from such an innocent mouth,‘ he whines out. ‘Oh shut up, you know my mouth isn’t innocent,‘ you jab back, making Bucky choke on his beer once again. ‘Dammit,‘ he coughs, ‘why do you have to be like this?‘ ‘You haven’t even heard half of it,‘ Sam laughs, ‘you’ll be dead before she’s done if you’re going to react like that every time she says something raunchy.‘ ‘Shut up,‘ you laugh, knowing what’s coming. ‘Am I lying though? Am I?‘ You playfully hit his shoulder. ‘Bucky, ask her how she got Pietro in her bed.‘ ‘Wha- I don’t want to.‘ ‘I don’t want him to either,‘ you chime in, starting to lose control over your laughter as you think back to that night. Jeez, you weren’t okay. Sam turns to Bucky, holding up his hands to be ready to tell this story as big as he can. ‘She grabbed a bottle opener from the bar, put it on his table, and she-‘ ‘No, don’t,‘ you beg, starting to laugh loudly. Your stomach already hurts. ‘She asked him what that was,‘ Sam says and gestures over to Bucky to tell him to answer the question. ‘A bottle opener.‘ ‘Exactly,‘ Sam says, a chuckle through his words, ‘and then she asked him what he was.‘ He takes a second to calm himself down. ‘Don’t say it,‘ you beg him, ‘I was so, so drunk.‘ ‘You weren’t, you had one beer,‘ Sam argues and turns back to Bucky, ‘she told him he was a leg opener.‘ Bucky bursts out in laughter louder than he imagined he would while you pull your legs up to your chest, hiding your face behind your knees as you wrap your arms around them. But you’re not ashamed, you’re just wheezing. ‘Please say it’s a joke,‘ Bucky begs you through laughter-induced tears. ‘It isn’t,‘ you manage to tell him. ‘Oh please tell me this happened when you two were alone.‘ ‘Nope, she did it right when we all sat down,‘ Sam tells him, ‘the man barely had a drink.‘ ‘I was horny okay,‘ you yelp in defense, setting your feet back on the ground. ‘You’re always horny,‘ Pietro yells from his seat. ‘Shut up, this ain’t about you,‘ you yell back. He laughs. ‘Tell them how you made me climb down the drainpipe to get out before your dad woke up,‘ he yells back. Bucky can’t help but be surprised at how open people are with sexuality in a village this small. You don’t seem to care that he just screamed that for everyone to hear and, from the looks you two get, everyone already seems to know.

Around one in the morning, everyone says their goodbyes. Though you told him it wasn’t necessary, Bucky insisted on walking you home and so you’re walking down the street together. At first, it was the whole group but as you got further down the street, more and more people dropped off. Now it’s just Bucky and you. ‘Say, I’ve been meaning to ask,‘ Bucky suddenly says. Your heartbeat rises. What is he going to ask? About your leg? About your family? ‘Why is everyone so okay with being sexual here?‘ You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. He gives her a confused look but you don’t address it. ‘Well, we don’t have many choices in partners,‘ you explain, ‘and since we are all friends, no one really cares who does who. Of course, people who are together are off-limits, but like with me and Pietro we do have casual sex but I’m not his only partner and he’s not my only partner.‘ ‘You have multiple partners?‘ ‘Not at the moment,‘ you tell him, ‘I was kind of starting to look for someone to settle down with but I was kind of coming to the conclusion that the one for me isn’t here. This is me.‘ They stop in front of your house. ‘So what’s next for you?‘ You shrug. ‘I don’t know. I might go work in the city for a while, see what’s there for me,‘ you smile slightly but your smile tells a million words. You don’t want to leave but you also don’t want to be on your own her whole life. You’re nearing the second half of your twenties and you’re still living at home because you hate to be alone. ‘How about you? Are you single?‘ ‘I am,‘ Bucky tries to suppress a smile, ‘never quite been in a relationship either.‘ Either the alcohol or this man’s presence pushes you straight into a flirty mood. He is quite handsome. You grin at him, pushing his chest playfully. ‘I’m sure you’re quite the ladies’ man. You’ve got the looks for it.‘ ‘Well, I used to be,‘ he smiles nostalgically, absentmindedly trying to cross his arms while having just one arm. He seems to catch himself in the act and tries to make it look like he was going to scratch his shoulder but you already noticed. ‘I get what you mean,‘ you say with a smile that’s just as pained as his, ‘took me a while to act like me again as well, but at least I win every game of hopscotch. Got enough practice when I didn’t have my prosthetic.‘ ‘And what would I excel at?‘ You stare at him for a second, biting your lip as you think. ‘Do you want me to be PG?‘ ‘Just go for it.‘ ‘Well, you do everything with one hand, so I’d say you’d be pretty great at pleasuring a woman.‘ ‘Okay, never mind, that’s it, that’s my limit,‘ he laughs, starting to move to walk away. You just give him this devious smile, this smile that could mean nothing good. ‘Sure, I’ll be here when you want to test my theory,‘ you wink at him. ‘Let me take you for dinner first doll,‘ he teases back. ‘Now you’ve gone too far,‘ you chuckle, ‘I take free food very seriously.‘ He laughs at your response, finally starting to walk away. ‘Good night Y/n.‘ ‘Night!‘

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Taglist:  @nickkie1129

[arigatouiris]

rose colored glasses // oikawa x reader

Author’s Note: Words just spilled on this one... Oops. I adore Oikawa and I’ve always thought writing for him was a tad bit intimidating, but here’s this one I’ve been working on for a bit. I hope you like it~ I relate to the reader here in such a personal way like... the self-indulgence is evident.

Word count: 6480 words

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x Insecure! Reader

Warnings: angst, body-shaming, insecurity, depressive thoughts, eventual fluff, mutual pining

If anyone asked Iwaizumi, he’d tell them that he doesn’t take Oikawa seriously in anything except Volleyball. 

The boy had a reputation of being a flirt, laughing around, being silly—but hiding away his darker, more ambitious aspects behind a veil of stupidity. Iwaizumi knew his best friend like the back of his hand, and whether he’d like to admit it or not, Oikawa wasn’t the sort to put anyone over his love for the sport—something that once even cost him a relationship. 

Although, Iwaizumi knew that the girl Oikawa had dated was just dating him because of his popularity (and he didn’t like her one bit, that Iwa-chan), Oikawa wasn’t that into the girl himself. The reason for their breakup had been a simple one—Oikawa just liked Volleyball more. He wouldn’t let anything distract him, and it wasn’t that he didn’t let anything distract him, it was that nothing ever came close. 

Which is why Iwaizumi was confused when Oikawa started talking about you one day in the middle of practice.

     “Apparently she’s allergic to flowers, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa snorted, “What girl is allergic to flowers?” 

There was nothing amusing in that statement at all, yet Oikawa was laughing like his heart was hanging loose. Iwaizumi just watched him, as he drank his water and prepared himself for another round of practice. 

     “Oh!” As if he was reminded about something, “I told (y/n)-chan to come watch practice sometime. Next week sounds about okay.”

Oh, really? Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes. He already couldn’t stop talking about you, and if you showed up, Oikawa would be uncontrollable and quite possibly, unbearable. But, there was no stopping the setter—Oikawa would do it if his mind was set on it, and turns out, his mind was set on you coming to practice next week. It was a bit impressive that Oikawa didn’t realize that his obsession with you was romantic, because the boy would not stop talking about you if you came up even once. 

Ever since the homeroom teacher transferred your seat to the one beside Oikawa, much to the chagrin of the other girls who desperately wanted to sit there, Oikawa had been obsessed with you. You joked around with him, called him ‘pretty-boy’ as an insult and not a way to get closer to him, minded your own business on most days and spoke silly things in between class, Oikawa was enthralled to have found a friend in you. Maybe it was this curiosity that he wasn’t used to a girl not throwing herself at him that drove him to want to get to know you, and despite not getting to know you as quickly as he’d liked, Oikawa’s strange curiosity turned out to be a borderline crush.

As they were walking home together, Iwaizumi wanted to slap the back of the setter’s head because there he goes again—(y/n)-chan this, (y/n)-chan that—gah, Hajime wanted to scream!

     “Tooru,” Hajime never uses Oikawa’s first name unless it was something serious, therefore Oikawa paused at his friend’s sudden change in demeanor, “Do you like her?”

Oikawa scoffed before shaking his head animatedly, “Of course not! She’s just... (y/n)-chan!”

Alright, Hajime thought before turning away. If it hadn’t reached a point where Tooru had admitted the crush to himself then there wasn’t much to worry about. However, since the start of this entire ordeal seemed so new, Iwaizumi knew that perhaps, the way it ended would also be a tad bit different.

The next morning, Oikawa walked in to spot you, laying your head on the table, fast asleep. There wasn’t anyone in class yet, since practice had ended early. Hajime was in the bathroom, washing his face or something, which gave Tooru time to head to the classroom much faster. He’d wash his face too, but the sweaty sheen on his cheeks made him seem irresistible, and he wondered how you’d respond to that sight. 

But, you were sleeping. And it was hardly 7:45 a.m. Pouting, Oikawa walked over to his own desk before plopping beside you and poking your head. You woke up instantly, before wiping off the bit of drool that had accumulated at the edge of your lip—Oikawa’s eyes widened at how your half-lidded eyes were struggling to land on him, before you softly slapped your own cheek a couple times and sitting up straight.

     “You alright, (y/n)-chan?” Oikawa asked, tilting his head, ignoring the loud thumping of his heart.

You nodded before letting out a yawn, “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

He was curious. Why? What were you doing that was so important that you forsake sleep? 

Did something happen? 

Is everything okay?

Oikawa placed a hand against his chest before letting out a breath. The bubbling nervousness was a familiar feeling but there was no incoming match neither was Iwaizumi mad at him, so there was no need for him to be feeling this at all.

     “Why were you awake?” Oikawa was proud that this question came out in a tone that suggested that you may have done something naughty.

You scoffed before turning to Oikawa and flicking him on his forehead, letting out a giggle.

     “My dog’s sick,” You said, your voice low. “Stupid baby was whining all night. The vet said there’s nothing to worry about, she just ate something.”

The relief that flooded within Oikawa’s bloodstream was unnatural. He turned away from you and hummed, placing his chin on his hand, resting on his elbow. Sticking a tongue out, he wondered what better way to make fun of you now—but the second he turned to see you, you were about to doze off again. A soft smile sat on his features, as he watched you, absolutely being yourself, with no care in the world, letting down all defences with Oikawa right there beside you. The feeling it gave him was thrilling, to say the least.

That afternoon, it was Iwaizumi who noticed that you were not in any lunch table—in fact, you weren’t even in the cafeteria. He blinked before thinking if you came to school, nodded to himself when he realized that you had, but you were skipping lunch for some reason. Oikawa sat in front of him and looked like he was extra hungry, a tray with traditional rice and curry alongside an extra meat bun.

     “Someone’s hungry.” Hajime commented, eyeing the meat bun.

     “No, no, Iwa-chan, this,” Oikawa pointed to the fluffy, white bun, “is for (y/n)-chan. Yuuna-chan was sick all night so she didn’t get much sleep.”

Yuuna-chan? Hajime’s eyes were spilling confusion. Oikawa chuckled a moment later before stuffing a spoonful of rice with curry. 

     “Her dog,” He said, “Yuuna-chan was sick and (y/n)-chan stayed up all night taking care of her. She was literally falling all over the place, sleeping.”

So now he’s taking care of her without her asking him? Hajime thought to himself, tilting his head a bit. This was nothing like the Oikawa he knew, this was nothing like any Oikawa he knew. This was something he knew that a boy with a crush behaves like. 

     “Make up your mind, trashykawa.” Iwaizumi cussed under his breath before finishing his lunch.

Upon reaching class, he noticed that you were asleep. Oikawa was behind him, and Hajime watched the scene unfold before him. Oikawa sat at his desk before poking your head once, stirring you awake.

     “Got you a meat bun, (y/n)-chan!”

     “Oh! Thanks, Oikawa-san!” You sounded so sleepy.

Hajime sighed before sitting down, continuing to read his book. Until Oikawa admits it that he likes you, there was no problem. Maybe, this is one of those situations where Oikawa thinks he likes you before he realizes that volleyball is more important. It wasn’t as if Iwaizumi didn’t want his best friend liking someone, he just didn’t want someone getting hurt because of his best friend’s singular obsession. 

Because as much as many believe Oikawa can be cold-hearted when it came to the sport, Hajime knew that the brown haired setter had a heart of gold.

What drove Hajime to the extreme was when Oikawa decided to meet up with you on a Monday. Hajime frowned as Oikawa spoke about the plan he had with you, meeting you at the park where you were going to show off Yuuna-chan’s cuteness, and Iwaizumi felt anger boil in his veins. Mondays were the days Oikawa took a break—and that meant a proper break where he doesn’t think or do anything that could strain him. Yes, dates on Mondays were a great idea, but Hajime hated Oikawa’s half-assed ‘we’re just friends, Iwa-chan’ swirling around the air.

     “Oi! Trashykawa!” Oikawa blinked before turning to Hajime who had a mean glare plastered on his face.

     “What’s up, Iwa-chan?”

     “Either confess to her or shut up,” Oikawa’s eyes widened, “We don’t have time for half-assed feelings getting in the way here.”

It wasn’t fascinating to see how quickly Oikawa dismissed what his best friend had to say. Hajime sighed before looking away himself, let’s see how things unfold, he thought before letting it go for now. 

*

     “(y/n)-chan!” Oikawa’s sing-song voice was hard to miss.

You turned to spot him across the corridor, Iwaizumi right beside him. The two of them were approaching you, and you waved kindly, before wondering what Oikawa had to say. You didn’t miss how much he would flirt with you, but you laughed it off, obviously someone like Oikawa would juxtapose regular conversation with casual flirting; it was just that natural for him. 

You even wondered if he flirted with Iwaizumi, Oikawa just seemed like that kind of person. Not to mention, the reputation that he had.

     “What’s up, Oikawa-san?”

It always stung that you’d call him ‘Oikawa-san’, always unintentionally throwing that verbal gap between you two. You’d become ‘(y/n)-chan’ for him in merely a week and here, it had been almost an entire school semester and he was still ‘Oikawa-san’, not even ‘Oikawa-kun’. He didn’t know he was capable of it, but he swallowed that hurt like it didn’t even matter and approached you still.

     “We have a game,” Oikawa said, sounding proud of himself, “The Inter-High!”

Your eyes widened a bit before nodding once, “Yeah, I’ve heard that we were exempt from the first round of matches.”

It was then that Hajime recalled a particular conversation he had with Oikawa a while ago. Tooru had mentioned that you were going to come watch practice games, but for some reason, he never mentioned it again, and you never came. You didn’t attend a single practice—and that was a tad bit suspicious.

     “We’re playing against Oomisaki High in a week. Want to come support your favorite setter?”

The blatant flirting was a tad bit too loud for Hajime, but you looked like it didn’t faze you one bit. This was also suspicious.

     “Hm,” You folded your arms against your chest, shooting a smirk at Oikawa, “You can ask literally any girl, and you’re asking me? Oikawa-san, that’s mean to the girls.”

Ah, Hajime didn’t think it was suspicious anymore. It was as clear as day. He quickly looked at Oikawa’s face, the smile was slowly being wiped off, his eyes slowly losing the spark and his tongue inches away from clicking. You were not taking Oikawa seriously, his attempts to flirt with you, please you, get to know you and woo you were all thrown against the wall—it didn’t matter to you not because your eyes were set elsewhere; it didn’t matter to you because your eyes, no matter how much Oikawa would want it, did not meet his.

That evening, right before practice, Hajime noticed Tooru’s stature; he seemed low, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to let this affect his game. Oikawa was just that kind of person—he’d put aside everything, even if it meant a genuine crush, and work on his form.

An hour later than usual—that’s how long the practice lasted that evening. No one understood why Oikawa was just that pissed off, was that driven, especially when the game was against a school that they’ve never really played against seriously. They’d all understand if it was Shiratorizawa or even Karasuno for that matter, but Oikawa’s personality during practice that evening just did not make sense.

     “Is everything okay with him?” Hanamaki asked Iwaizumi, while Tooru jump served the wall.

Hajime sighed before shrugging, “You know how he gets sometimes.”

     “This is just... It’s not like Oikawa-san to act like this over nothing.”

It wasn’t nothing. The first and only time Oikawa ever took someone seriously, the first and only time Oikawa had an open crush on someone for their personality, and to have that person just divert their gaze away from him as if he wasn’t worth anything—that could hurt anyone, even if it was the Grand King of the court. 

     “He’ll be fine.”

Hajime had miscalculated. He believed that if it was something Oikawa hadn’t admitted to himself, then there was nothing much to worry about. Not having a dialogue with his friend had proved hazardous, now there was no turning back. He would never admit it, but Hajime cared for Oikawa more than anyone else—he was a best friend, a confidante, and he had seen the many faces Oikawa Toru had presented to the world.

This was the first time he was seeing the face of Oikawa Toru in love, and as many times as Hajime had pictured it being a funny, non-callous, ridiculous face, it was instead the most angsty and life-absorbing face ever.

While heading back home, Hajime noticed the silence, but he was sure that Oikawa himself would address it. He just had to wait.

     “Iwa-chan,” Hajime blinked, “She doesn’t take me seriously, does she?”

Iwaizumi sighed, scratching the back of his head, “Well, you do have a track record.”

He heard Oikawa click his tongue after. Does a track record mean that he could never, ever be taken seriously? Did a track record mean that Oikawa was incapable of feeling real emotions? It hurt Hajime to think it, and he only could imagine what Oikawa must have been feeling.

     “You shouldn’t flirt with her so much,” Oikawa blinked before turning to Hajime, “She won’t take you seriously if you joke around so much.”

He joked around because he was breathless around you. He joked around because his lips naturally turned into goofy smiles whenever you were near him. He couldn’t help it, everything about you was intoxicating, and Oikawa felt like a silly little goose with no aim, and when you turned to him, smiling, waving like he was a friend that you would like to talk to, Oikawa’s own smile rivalled an idiot’s. 

He didn’t realize how whipped he was for you until the next few days.

Through each game, Oikawa was painfully aware of how you were not there. He felt your absence the absence of teeth; he didn’t need a mirror to know that they were not there. His mind was fairly distracted when they were playing against Karasuno, but once they won, his eyes trailed to the stands, his heart knowing you were not there, and Oikawa just turned away.

Iwaizumi winced at how love-struck his friend seemed, but it wasn’t unlike him. Most people believed Oikawa would carry his disappointment blatantly on his shoulders, for the entire world to know, but Tooru wasn’t like that. Tooru swallowed his disappointment, for things that mattered didn’t require loud outbursts; things that mattered came out through silent screams, screams that resonated within his mind and swallowed him whole. It was during these few days when you were not around did Oikawa realize he was irrevocably in love with you, and for what seemed like the first time, he did not know what to do about it.

Should he just tell you and swallow the rejection? He was a smart lad, he knew you didn’t return his feelings; but that wasn’t what truly bothered him. What bothered Tooru was that you didn’t think his feelings were genuine, and that proved to be hurtful and insulting all at the same time. 

When they were due to play Shiratorizawa, Tooru did not think of you. He played with everything he had, every single cell in his body screamed to be at its best, Iwaizumi doing the same. Every single person in his team had given their all and yet... Yet, getting where he wanted seemed like an impossible dream. Tooru’s hopes were crushed, his team would not get to the nationals. He wanted to apologize, he wanted to scream that he had failed his team, but no word exited his mouth. Upon reaching the bus to return to their own school, his breath was knocked out of him to find you there.

Iwaizumi ushered the rest of the team inside the bus, before placing a hand on Tooru’s shoulder. Nodding once, Hajime walked away, hoping you wouldn’t tell Oikawa that it was he who had beckoned you.

Hajime had sent a message to you earlier that morning, asking you to come watch the game. It was the finals, after all. 

You noticed Oikawa’s form, but there was no smile on his face. He looked nothing like the Oikawa you knew—the fun, sporty lad whose mouth spilled flirtatious words left, right, and center. You walked over to him, as he stood there, his bag loosely hanging over his shoulder. 

     “Oikawa-san?” Your voice was a whisper.

You didn’t know why you felt so overwhelmed upon seeing him like this. 

     “We lost.” Oikawa said, trying to sound strong.

You shook your head, “You guys were amazing,” You were suddenly breathless, “You were amazing.”

You hadn’t ever seen him so... genuine. Was this why he kept asking you to come see him practice? So that you can glimpse at the real side of who he was? You always believed he was joking around, you didn’t even want to get close to someone like him because you knew hurt was in store for you. You forced yourself not to be interested because there was no way in hell someone like Oikawa could like someone like you, someone who wasn’t even in any club, someone with no actual talent, someone who—

Your eyes widened when he hugged you. Almost all of his weight was on you and for the first time you felt how disappointed he was. It was like osmosis, it was seeping through his body on to yours, and your eyes teared up.

     “It’s okay, Oikawa-san,” You said, not knowing if it’ll help. “You were amazing.”

It was a few days after the loss and after learning Shiratorizawa were hailed the winners of this year’s Inter High did Oikawa text you. You wanted to give him space, knowing you weren’t exactly the closest confidant for the boy. Your eyes scanned the text, knowing what it was, but choosing to step away from any sort of expectation. 

Let’s get lunch today?

Your hands ghosted around the screen of your phone before licking your lips and replying a firm, ‘sure!’ and leaving it at that. 

You met Oikawa around noon and you wouldn’t deny how breathtaking he looked. He was wearing glasses? That fact shocked you, but everything about him was downright illegal. He was so good looking that it almost caught you off-guard when you were around him, wanting to be normal, wanting to maintain a regular conversation and not sound like the hopeless high school girl you thought you were. You knew who Oikawa was, but if you weren’t placed beside him on that one day during homeroom, there was no way he’d ever know you.

     “What do you like to eat, (y/n)-chan?” 

You thought for a bit before saying, “Barbecue?” 

Oikawa chuckled before you frowned, “What’s funny?”

     “Most girls would stall on the answer, you’re different.”

You scoffed, “I know what I like to eat, Oikawa-san—”

     “Why don’t you call me by my first name?” He asked, looking at you.

Your eyes widened a bit before a soft blush sat on your cheeks, “Uh... I just...”

     “I call you (y/n)-chan, so it’s only fair!”

He’s right, you thought before looking away, unsure of how to respond. Suddenly, you felt like a peasant—everything about you started to stand out, in a bad way, your mind being extremely unkind to you. The dress you wore, the way you’d done your hair, your shaking fingers, your eyes, your nose—everything started to scream at you. And then there he was, absolutely perfect and spotless, Oikawa Tooru, the epitome of desires, the man with no fault, grace personified, walking beside you because he wanted to.

You felt nauseous all of a sudden, but you gulped it away forcefully.

The date was actually fun. You never realized Oikawa loved aliens, and since you loved everything about the stars, it was a perfect conversation. That was how most things were with Oikawa—perfect and glorious, just like how he was. You looked away when you caught him looking at your face, wanting to hide yourself in a brown bag. You felt ugly, you felt like you were no match to how he compared as a human being and you felt tears prick your eyes at how you felt.

He even offered to walk you home and as much as your mind screamed that you should have said no, your heart whispered a small ‘yes’, wanting to spend more time with this man, who gave you a thousand reasons to dream yet you couldn’t. 

Standing in front of your gate, Oikawa leaned forward, causing you to gasp—you moved before you could think, your hands planted themselves firmly on his chest before you shut your eyes, feeling your heartbeat in your ears. Oikawa’s eyes widened at the sight of you, before pulling away, red-faced and ashamed, quickly covering his jaw with the back of his hand.

He shook his head and words spilled out of him, “You came because you felt sorry for me, didn’t you?”

Your eyes widened at his cold words, “W-What? N-no, I—”

     “Iwa-chan was right,” Tooru clicked his tongue, frowning, “I should just give up on you.”

Iwaizumi said that? You always believed he didn’t like you, but you never knew that this was how far the conversation had gone. Perhaps, Iwaizumi saw you how you saw yourself, and if that was the case, then he was right.

     “Give up on me?” You gulped before frowning, “Do you really... Is this—”

     “Yes, this is real.” You had never heard him sound so defeated.

You look up at him, his eyes soft on your form, but bitterness lodged in them where love should have been. You want to gasp, but you weren’t breathing at all, you were shocked to see him the way he was. Did he not see you for who you were? Was he blind? Was he an idiot?

No, he was not any of those things. He was perfect.

But you... 

You were...

     “Oikawa-san, I... I really thought...”

Oikawa shrugs, you spotted no tears in his eyes but you wondered how he was feeling, “You thought what? You thought I’m incapable of feeling real things?”

No, you felt tears prick your eyes, No, I thought you would never feel them for me.

     “Oikawa-san, I... I thought you were joking around because... Look at me! I’m in no club, I have no talent, I... I’m no one—”

Oikawa gives you a look that you really couldn’t decipher. It looked so sad and hurt at the same time.

     “You’re blind as hell, (y/n)-chan.”

He couldn’t do it. There was no way he could consider your insecurity right then. Oikawa was far too hurt to consider your thoughts; he felt like he was drowning, with everything that had happened in a matter of a week. His team had lost to Shiratorizawa, they were denied of a chance to go to the Nationals, a dream that he had robbed even Iwaizumi off, and the girl he was so devastatingly in love with did not feel the same way.

If he were to deal with your insecurity over his feelings for you, Oikawa hoped he’d get another chance; because right now, his heart was full and inches away from breaking.

You were worried for when school would start again. After Spring Break, you were going to have to face Oikawa again. He’d still be placed beside you, but now things would just be quiet and awkward. Your heart rummaged in your chest when you thought of the brown haired setter, and your fingers kept shaking at the prospect of having to see him face to face soon. You wanted to clear things up, you wanted to apologize to him, speak to him and have things go back to normal, but...

The whispers in your heart were growing stronger day by day. 

Whispers that told you how pretty Oikawa was as a person. Whispers that told you how hard working he was, how dedicated he was to the sport. Whispers that told you that Oikawa was perhaps perfection personified and it wasn’t always that way—he achieved perfection from falling far too many times but failing to stay down, Oikawa was everything anyone could dream of as a protagonist, as a survivor in a zombie apocalypse, as a high achiever, a dream boy, a marvellous and spectacular individual capable of literally anything he set his mind on.

And then there was you. 

Tears filled your eyes as you changed into your indoor shoes; if Oikawa liked you, which he had made so blatantly clear to you weeks ago, then he was wrong. He had to be wrong. You were nothing close to impressive, your mind and body worked like everyone else’s, you were not spectacular, so you had no right to dream of someone who devastatingly brilliant. Oikawa Tooru was your dream celebrity crush, but instead of being thousand miles away and sparkling from the other side of a black mirror, he was sitting next to you every single day and greeting you with a smile that could outshine the sun.

     “(l/n),” 

A voice sounded behind you and your eyes widened when you saw Iwaizumi. You recalled how he had told Oikawa to give up on you, and you wondered again if Iwaizumi saw you the way you were meant to be seen.

     “Back then,” You knew what he was talking about, “He was having a difficult time. We lost to a team that he hates with everything he has, and you practically turned him down—”

     “I didn’t turn him down, I—”

     “Well, do you like him?”

You paused. You were not going to answer that. There was no way you were going to answer that. You were not even going to dream of it inside your head, it was forbidden and it was practically thought-crime. You stood no chance, not even in your fantasies. 

But, Iwaizumi assumed you were not interested.

     “The only way you can help him now is if you stay away from him.”

Your eyes widened at his words, wondering why he hated you so. But, the next second, when you looked into his eyes, Iwaizumi was looking at you with an expression that rivalled Oikawa’s back then—the sad and hurt one. You didn’t know what he was trying to tell you, but you were not going to crumble.

     “Okay.” You said, before putting on the indoor shoes and heading to class.

When class began, Oikawa came a few minutes late. The teacher said nothing, allowed him inside and Oikawa sat beside you wordlessly. Iwaizumi watched as you continued to stare into your notebook, your expression void of practically anything, and Oikawa looked bored. Occasionally, he’d see Oikawa steal glances at you, but you refused to look at anything but your notebook. Iwaizumi wasn’t a stalker, he was just a keen observer, and it was at that second did he notice something that perhaps, pieced everything together in a way that literally broke his heart.

You refused to look at Oikawa.

But, that did not mean you never had.

Ah, Iwaizumi rubbed his palm on his forehead. This is fucking ridiculous, he thought before sighing.

     “Iwaizumi-san, is everything alright?” The teacher’s voice broke him from his reverie and he nodded.

     “Sorry.”

Practice began normally after, but anyone could tell that Oikawa’s heart wasn’t in it. Hajime wondered if Oikawa still thought of you, but it was obvious, you were lodged in Tooru’s mind like a rock, you weren’t leaving anytime soon. Iwaizumi had to admit, you weren’t like the others. He didn’t understand your deal and maybe it was not for him to understand, but you didn’t throw yourself at Tooru for anything other than the fact that Tooru could shine without anything else. 

You didn’t throw yourself at him because you saw what he was capable of beyond the name he had gotten, beyond the track record that he held—you saw Oikawa Tooru for Oikawa Tooru, the lovable idiot with a determination forged from steel. 

Maybe you thought that you weren’t good enough for him, and Iwaizumi wondered why girls thought that way at all. However, if the object in question was Oikawa then the thought perhaps was valid, after all. There were times when Hajime himself felt lesser to the Oikawa Tooru, but he’s been friends with the brown haired setter for ages now. He could picture you being insecure, wanting to reach and grab at Oikawa but afraid that his shine might literally burn you.

It would be a lie if you said you weren’t attracted to Oikawa Tooru. As attractive as he was, he was equally passionate and headstrong, and his lame attempts at flirting may not be all great, but he certainly knew how to make you smile from your heart. But, you were never the sort to aim high because you ended up on the losing end far too many times to even think of the result being positive. You gave up way too fast, which was the exact opposite of who Oikawa was.

Your heart was practically glass; and it was the only thing that was kind to you. But, your mind and everything else in your body hated you—which meant you hated yourself, and this was something you could not leap over.

Oikawa spotted you eating lunch by yourself one afternoon, alone and quietly, and he still cursed at himself for liking you. Perhaps, he was destined to like people he knew he couldn’t have, and you were just the start of a list of people who were inevitably going to break his heart. It was ironic, really—while the world believed someone like Oikawa Tooru could have anyone he would ever want, it was the literal opposite.

You got up after eating, but bumped into a few girls on the way. The tallest girl in that group snapped at you, for which you just nodded, scurrying away timidly. He knew you could be feisty, but what the hell was that?

Didn’t you want to fight back? It’s not a big deal if you bump into someone, and especially when no one got hurt. 

What the hell were you doing, scurrying away like that?

It was an epiphany really, when he caught himself annoyed at you like that. He started thinking about your insecurity—of how he realized that day that you couldn’t even picture someone like Oikawa liking someone like her. It isn’t anyone’s fault if you were insecure, but that is perhaps the first thing Oikawa had to address about you. Everything about you was a glorious combination of everything Oikawa wanted, which he never knew he needed, but that’s what rose-colored glasses tend to do.

When you like someone, you like everything about them, there’s nothing to dislike. 

But, that’s impossible. You can’t not dislike something about someone. This particularly made having a crush so dangerous because you can’t see red flags initially. Not that Oikawa saw a red flag with you, it makes things all the more easier to accept now that the rose colored glasses were off. 

     “Excuse me, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa shot up to follow you, leaving Iwaizumi behind with his lunch.

Don’t care, he thought, swallowing the smile threatening to land on his lips. 

Oikawa didn’t like how much of a pushover you could be at times. This could be because of people having left you in the past, people having misunderstood you, people having broken your heart, trampled all over you, of course, Oikawa had no idea what triggered it, but it was there and it annoyed him. He didn’t like how timid you were with strangers, he didn’t like how you doubted yourself, he didn’t like how your mind treated you—oh, he hated how your mind treated you and if he could get into a fist fight with your mind, he would gladly. 

He didn’t like how you gave up so easily because one of the things Oikawa adored most about you was your heart; it was capable of destroying the world if it wanted to, yet it made you settle for so less. 

And as many things Oikawa found about you that he didn’t like, he could appreciate more the things that he adored you for, and desperately wanted to work with you on having you see yourself the way he saw you.

You felt someone grab the back of your elbow and spin you around, your eyes widened as they land on Oikawa’s determined ones. People around you were gasping now, shocked at Oikawa’s blatant display of... whatever it was. 

     “Come with me.” 

The way he ordered you sent shivers down your spine, goosebumps prickled all over your skin as Oikawa led you to someplace a lot more secluded. Your heart kept rummaging against your chest as you stared at the area in your wrist where Oikawa’s hand was wrapped around, afraid to look anywhere else. What felt like forever later, Oikawa stopped and you stared at his chest, afraid to look into his eyes.

     “I hate that you’re a pushover,” Your eyes narrow at his words, and before you could continue, “I hate that you let people walk all over you, I hate that you don’t fight back, I hate that you so easily accept things not wanting to change them—”

     “Oikawa-san, what are you—”

     “I hate that you give up so easily.”

You dared to look at Oikawa now, his eyes cold and placid, staring into yours. There was no smile on his face, somehow this image of Oikawa was dark and terrifying, but you felt warmer as you looked a him. You felt tears prick your eyes, anger bubble in your chest, and you cussed before pushing him with everything you had. Oikawa stumbled backwards, but he continued to stare.

     “What do you know what I’ve been through?! How dare you assume that I’m this way because I’m a coward—”

     “I didn’t say you were a coward, it’s because I know you’re not that these things drive me crazy!”

You froze.

     “I like you, (y/n)-chan. I like you so much that it’s literally making me insane. At first, I only saw the things I liked about you, I thought you were perfect, and I wanted you beside me because of that. But, now I see that there’s things I don’t like about you, things I want to help you change, if only you’re willing to, because god,” Oikawa clicked his tongue, “I want nothing more than for you to see yourself the way I see you.”

You didn’t know what to say. You felt nauseous, the words in your head starting to sound mean again, but Oikawa’s hands quickly grabbed yours and shoved them on the left side of his chest. Your eyes widened as you felt his heart rummage against his chest. Was this...

Was this your doing?

You looked up to see him, soften his expression at you.

     “I’m sure there are things about me that you don’t like—”

     “Oh, there’s plenty—”

Oikawa chuckles before walking one step closer to you, your hand still in his, against his chest. You were standing so close you could feel his breath on your forehead. The boy was tall. 

     “I wish I could kick your mind’s ass.”

You scoffed at his idiotic words, “I don’t think—”

     “I’ll make you see what I see, (y/n)-chan,” You couldn’t look away from him, “You are single-handedly the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Inside and out. You don’t see it, and your mind refuses to admit it, but when I’m with you, I feel so idiotic, I’d become my own Iwa-chan.”

You smiled a bit before feeling your heart skip a beat.

     “I like you so much I want to puke.”

You laughed, “That’s a strange way to put it.”

     “Whatever it is that’s hardened your heart, watch me as I soften it.”

You felt Oikawa place a hand on your cheek, to which you leaned into; your mind suddenly quiet, your breath suddenly stolen, your feet suddenly swept.

     “I’m sorry for hurting you, Oikawa-san,” You didn’t understand initially why he was just staring at you with a wicked grin, “I’m sorry for hurting you, T-Tooru-kun?”

Oikawa’s face reddened before he pumped a fist in the air.

     “Don’t apologize.”

Immediately, Oikawa threw his hands around your waist, burying his head on your shoulder, smelling your hair. Your hands wound around his neck, pulling him closer. The whispers in your heart grew louder now, and inch by inch, you felt Tooru conquer it.

     “I like you too...” Your voice was muffled against his shoulder. “I can’t believe this is happening—”

     “I’ll make you believe,” He said, pulling away, your hand still in his. Pressing a soft kiss on your hand, “Because I’m not all that much of a catch, you’re in for a world of suffering.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. Your fingers are entwined, neither of you noticing how hard your hearts were beating because of the other.

     “What are the things you don’t like about me?”

You paused before pondering on Oikawa’s question. 

     “I think it’s just one thing.”

Tooru felt his heart break at how you answered—he had literally bad mouthed you before confessing, the guilt was going to eat him alive.

You giggled before saying, “You... You scare me.”

Oikawa leaned toward you before pressing a soft kiss on your temple. Your eyes widened before turning to him, his eyes glancing between your lips and your eyes, dangerously stuck around the middle.

     “Get to know me and you’ll take off your rose colored glasses too.”

Your eyes widened at his words before you felt Oikawa press a firm kiss to your lips, your entwined fingers tightening their grip on Oikawa’s. As your eyes closed, before returning the kiss, you couldn’t help but think,

I can’t wait.

[dreamyaqua]

What's your experience with sagittarrius? 👀

oooh that's an interesting question-

At first I always thought I was scared of Sagittarius energy but I think that had some more personal reasons.😅 After observing it more deeply, I've actually realized that I've got more close Sagittarius sun friends than I'd have expected. After all, my Aquarius sun does get along with them well because I feel like we never run out of topics to talk about - from philosophy to psychology to sociocritical issues to spirituality. Sagittarius are very open-minded and eager to learn and acquire new knowledge so that's definitely a plane I can connect well with them!! As a fire sign, they're also expressive which is something I like and appreciate, I seem to gravitate towards people who express their emotions because I'm also someone who enjoys getting personal and talk about these things.

Sagittarius energy in general is super fun and ALWAYS guarantee you a good time. If you need someone to give you a good laugh, Sagittarius is your best bet because their wit and optimism just make you feel better immediately!!🥺

Since Sagittarius is a very optimistic sign it's quite a contrast to my pessimistic Virgo moon and therefore, their energy can definitely lift me up! A close friend of mine has their Pisces sun in the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) - this placement is so strong I thought she was a Sagittarius rising at first tbh - and whenever we spend time together, it's like I'm being wrapped up into a warm and positive light, she lifts me up so much and whenever I spend time with her I seem to feel more confident about myself as well and that's 100% due to her uplifting and positive energy.

Sagittarius does (just like Gemini), however, square Virgo which is the sign I have my moon in. Depending on what other placements someone has in their chart, Sagittarius and Gemini placements just seem to have a special knack for hurting my feelings (because of the square to Virgo and the moon being all about one's inner self and emotions). My mom is a Sagittarius and my stepdad is a Gemini and I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings intentionally, it just kind of happens naturally.😅

Other than that I have to say I vibe with Sagittarius mercuries reaaaally well!! Conversation usually just flows and I feel like we express ourselves in similar ways and it just feels all in all super compatible and comfortable~

The same goes for Sagittarius risings I think, since I'm also a fire rising it fits quite well and I find their chaotic energy quite endearing🤭

When it comes to Sagittarius venus, it's not really a placements that I feel like shows itself much in friendships but I once dated a guy with a Sagittarius venus and our love styles were pretty misaligned (Sagittarius squares my Pisces venus), so that didn't work out so well however, our relationship also didn't last long enough for me to make an accurate judgment tbh.

As for Sagittarius mars, I'm kind of scared of the way they express their anger - another one of my ex's had both a Sagittarius moon and mars and when something angered him he usually saw red and went off on me (despite me not having anything to do with why he was angry in the first place) and nothing I said could calm him down. Those moments definitely made me feel a bit scared but he always apologized afterwards. If you don't look at the anger aspect of Sagittarius mars but instead view it from a more sexual stand point, I feel like I vibe with them better there^^

Alas, now onto the last placement...Sagittarius moon. I've noticed that Sagittarius moons tend to avoid negative emotions at all cost and if they talk about it they need to take baby steps to get deeper into the topic. I'm not sure whether they feel uncomfortable with negative emotions or they're even scared of them but it definitely feels like they tend to run away from such things. As for me, I'm a person who dives straight into the darkest of emotions and I've got no problem talking about these things, so I'm always a bit scared that I might overwhelm a Sagittarius moon by how easily I can tap into these emotions and talk about darker things. But you know, with proper communication you can make everything work! My best friend throughout my teenage years was a Sagittarius sun, moon, and mercury and we still keep in touch to this day. We do skype sometimes and it's really adorable how we usually start our conversations more general and then gradually dive deeper and make it more personal and psychological. He's pointed that out before as well and I think this is a way in which he feels comfortable expressing more negative emotions as well. I personally wouldn't mind to dive right in but I also don't mind a slower approach if that makes it easier for him to open up.

So basically, even if two people have a different nature, when you're understanding and compromising everything can work out. I also try not to generate an opinion on a whole sign based on a few experiences I've made with certain people, so I always try to stay open-minded and give everyone a chance!^-^

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

The Black Widow Essay

one of em anw, lol

i'm just gonna start with the very beginning of the film, cause start to finish, they put so much detail in and you can tell everyone really cared to make natasha's story as full & vibrant as they possibly could.

them showing how early on she liked dying her hair or was used to it, even as a child?

as well as such innocent sweet things as this scene

all possibly subtly hinting these girls’ physical capabilities and their dark upbringing or who they really are as spies???

just, how seemingly normal child like things could be subtle hints toward something darker??

but it was STILL something innocent and sweet nevertheless whether they were able to do that cause of their training??

LOVED THAT.

the fact that NAT HAD FRIENDS??? WHEN SHE WAS A KID???

so important to me...

(cause they didn't really need to add that,... but they did)

how the whole operatives pretending as fake families made perfect sense cause they do it all the time in spy movies…

and how yeah, if there were child spies, then they could be used for spy families,

but this was the first movie that DARED to talk about the complexity of it all…

of a fake family being the only family that you had.

I bring this up because I just fucking love it and it reminds me of what they did in wandavision

rushed holidays and birthdays and normal family occasions all in one, because that was all they could get…

the idea of fake empty families in both bw and wv and jac schaeffer being involved with both of em??? gods im in love hahahah

in other spy movies, it’s just so plot focused…

they’re disguised as this to get to this and blablabla

they don’t dare to talk that they were more than their mission

that they have interests hobbies hopes dreams AND LIVES, beyond their work

(say what you will about captain marvel, but I will repeat, it was the first to show women had lives interests hobbies dreams beyond the work that they had...)

i just... the spy families thing is always so plot-centric, but this one, the infiltration aspect had an emotional side to it since it meant that they could all get a reprieve from their normal horrific lives

that's what i ADORE from this film, when they do something, they always hit for the most emotional, most moving, compelling way it can be told or shown

because, all this time we’ve been told, she’s a child assassin, she’s a child spy, she started when she was young dadadaaa

in other movies, they probably could’ve explored this by showing the violence

what was done to her, to show the meaning of what they did to her…

but you know what I absofuckingtutely die for??

they showed the meaning of the violence through this

that BECAUSE of what was done to her…

she could do that

SHE COULD PROTECT SOMEONE ELSE FROM SUFFERING THE SAME FATE AS SHE DID

all, in the first FIFTEEN 15 FUCKING MINUTES…

I just love how the never endless mention of the child assassin thing

the heaviest meaning of that was so beautifully shown like this…

like, YEAH

THIS.

THIS IS WHAT BEING A FUCKING CHILD ASSASSIN MEANS.

SHE’LL STEAL YOUR GUN, SHOOT TO KILL

ALL TO PROTECT HER INNOCENT, YOUNGER, SISTER

oh wait, I also just love the action of the plane scene

it had so much stakes, I was genuinely panicked and fearing for all of them..

melina was shot, nat was flying the plane, yelena was a terrified baby, alexei was even hanging from the freaking wing…

it wasn’t just weightless action, random kicks and punches on screen…

it was a family fleeing for their lives.

I just wanted to commend the incredible stakes the creatives made sure to put into the film’s first action scene is all.

they could have phoned this in and just have hopper punch some dudes

but they WANTED you to root for this family

they WANTED you to feel scared for them, care about them.

THEY CARED.

the first action scene nat ever did, was to protect her sister…

they could have shown her take down some men following after them…

but they DECIDED for nat to show her full capabilities… when it would matter most.

THEY CARED.

AND… NO ONE, NOT NEARLY ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT IT.

you know what I love about the budapest reveal??

they could have just kept it at the clarifying what actually happened thing

and all of us in the audience can revel in the fact that

shooting it out with the hungarian guard and blowing up a building

was in nat’s eyes

just like a literal alien invasion of floating monsters descending from a portal in the sky

just… bask & appreciate the comedy of this guys…

nat’s so funny, I cant…

no okay, they could have just kept it at that…

but they decided to add WHAT HUMANITY THEY COULD IN THAT BACKSTORY.

and they had nat & clint play tic tac toe in the air vents they were hiding out on…

they didn’t have to do that, but they did…

and not enough people appreciate it enough.

people are already talking about how excellent and wonderful it was, the conversations and commentaries on choice are and I’m only here to say YES MORE OF THAT SHARE IT TO EVERYFREAKING ONE GODDAMN IT

in most marvel movies, the female character & the hero usually just either butt heads or the female just helps out the hero in whatever they need to do, they’re the infallible support structure that keeps the hero up

I think… this is why the dynamic between yelena and nat, hits so goddamn hard…

your pain makes you stronger

so much of this film talks about how their pain made them stronger, the best example of this I believe, is the scene in cuba

what I said about the child assassin repetition all concluding to that “I will kill you all, DON’T TOUCH HER” scene…

her pain was LITERALLY what enabled her to do that.

but I bring back the film’s crux line, cause it’s what I think truly separates and makes yelena and nat’s dynamic so much richer more complex and beautiful to me…

the pain of their past.

nat’s insistence of their time together in america not being real, and her dismissing everything in her past as a widow of the red room as horrible and just something she needed to get away from…

it reminds me of a scene from a show my family watches,

new amsterdam. in it, a woman, escapes a house of neglect and abuse. but she also left behind her younger sister in that household, and naturally, feels deeply guilty about it.

but, her therapist said to her, “you saved the only person that you could.”

and, … I can’t think of anything better to fit nat’s situation.

her dismissal of everything in her past as horrible was a fucking coping mechanism…

it made leaving everything behind, easier…

“it wasn’t real, so there isn’t anything to hold onto” nat herself says

she saved the only person she could… herself.

sigh…

most marvel movies usually just have its theme as “be who you were meant to be”

tony, thor, quill, & rocket learned selflessness

peter parker learned to appreciate what HE had, and not focus on what he was escaping from and to

steve figured out who he was in a new world

t’challa reckoned with the sins of the past

(scott’s just a dad)

carol learned to own her power and who she truly was

but nat??

yeah, sure, she could also fall under that theme.

but I just… I honestly believe the abuse, the pain she endured… makes her arc so much more meaningful and poignant…

because it wasn’t just the hero struggling, then the female side character reassuring them & giving them the strength they needed to be who they needed to be

it was her reckoning with what she did…

it was her shutting off yelena who cared about her, because she didn’t want to think about what she left behind

it was her, keeping her heart… when her mother could not.

how despite melina felt she was a rat in a cage

what SHE taught nat, was what kept nat alive…

the pain nat escaped, still found its way to her, in that because of that pain, she caused pain to the little happiness that she had in her past

she caused pain to yelena, because it was all she could associate to her past, which she NEEDED to escape

pain was inflicted on her, and she inflicted pain too

she also just casually stated her mother throwing her out like garbage

was I the only one who was utterly shaken by her statement??

to only then after say, she thought of her everyday even if she didn’t admit it to herself

(don’t even get me started on this search & importance of her past to her being fucking hinted in the place she died, vormir, where she learned her father’s name.

how even after she defeated dreykov… she still didn’t know it, til then…)

I just…

the creatives put so much effort into making nat’s story so full of heart, humanity, and meaning…

the humanity of tic tac toe over hiding out from an army

playing in the yard and colorful dyed hair hinting the dark upbringing

reckoning with what one did to survive…

black widow, is such a heartfelt humanely painful and beautiful film…

it isn’t just another spy movie

it isn’t just another marvel movie

they talked about abuse in it, guys…

they acknowledged it, unflinchingly

the good, the bad, all of it, the entire truth of it…

that alexei wasn’t allowed a chance to be forgiven for what he did

that he can wash himself clean, and that they give him their forgiveness, for HIS benefit…

that it was the very pain inflicted on them, that enabled them to take their abusers down

You think I can’t take a punch?

it was literally her pain threshold & strength that enabled her to break free from dreykov's control

her capability of severing the nerve borne from the training she endured

her pain was literally what made her stronger

they made sure to show that oksana and antonia wouldn’t be forgotten

they let the other widows do their part

and the ones the family saved, came back for them and saved them too

even antonia, as taskmaster, had someone who cared about her. the young widow who told her to smile, went to her when she was no longer controlled.

it was fighting for control, it was looking & focusing on what WAS there

just like how nat learned to accept that not all of her past was horrible,

I want to show you how this movie shows that not all of how nat was treated in the mcu was horrible

the thank you for your cooperation scene, yes

but, one parallel that I haven’t seen anyone bring up yet is this one…

nat did her job, and it’s how they took down hydra

nat did her job, and that’s how they took down the red room

because of nat’s intelligence, due diligence, they had the intel they needed to take down hydra

and to find and save the other widows…

because that’s precisely why I would die for this film…

they. care.

they remembered that small, for most people forgettable, thing that she did- BUT WAS ACTUALLY THE KEY TO THE WHOLE THING

AND MADE DAMN SURE TO SHOW & HIGHLIGHT ITS IMPORTANCE IN HER FILM.

(her copying the data needed to SAVE THE OTHER WIDOWS IN THE WHOLE WORLD WAS GIVEN THE FOCUS & ENERGY NEEDED TO HIGHLIGHT THAT SCENE'S SIGNIFICANCE CAUSE W/O THAT DATA, THOSE WOMEN WOULD BE LOST)

they KNEW that HER COPYING THAT INFO in the lemurian star in tws IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE is HOW NICK FIGURED OUT HYDRA’S PLAN

AND DECIDED TO FUCKING PARALLEL THAT TOO IN HER FILM CAUSE THEY KNEW THAT DESPITE HOW SMALL THAT SCENE WAS, IT WAS ACTUALLY THE KEY TO THE ENTIRE THING

they know the significance that nat’s story has, how it’s about abuse, and what it does to people

it makes them want to run away & dismiss everything that happened as purely horrible

sometimes, it makes them betray people (like melina & even to some extent, nat…)

they did all this in a marvel movie

the importance of choice, control, autonomy, of women’s lives, every aspect of it

the mundane, their intelligence, their pain, their relationships, their humor & happiness & love…

this was a marvel movie, starring women, produced by women, written (jac schaeffer, wv creator too), directed (cate shortland), and edited (leigh folsom) by women.

this was an excellent beautiful painfully heartfelt luminescent movie, from start to finish.

so much care compassion complexity & love, woven into the story

they cared about what nat DID manage to do in the mcu, not that she was forced into the sidelines

(though, honestly, I think that line about nat never letting herself be alone long enough to figure out what her story is was such an interesting & cool way of acknowledging it…)

nat never spoke much in the films, and they went with it, she’s not the inspiring speech type, she herself says

behind the scenes, they were making nat look as cool as possible with those poses

but in this film, they made it HER character trait

that SHEEEE, WANTS TO POSE LIKE THAT.

I just think that’s so funny… a cute character trait of her wanting to pose all the time and denying/not acknowledging it??

I think it’s a sweet & funnily humanizing trait of hers :’’’))

they made her funny like that, heh…

most mcu movies, they have arcs, they have great interesting moving stories…

I just think this film is chockfull of love over natasha romanoff, a hero, an avenger’s story…

they put so much in to give her as full of a life as they could… a complex, heartbreaking, painful, happy, tragic, loving, human life…

most mcu movies… they’re so plot focused. find this, follow that.

for me, this film wasn’t.

it was women getting their control back.

behind the screen, and on screen, it was women getting their control back…

after a decade and more of getting bits of meaningful crumbs here and there, the creatives of this film gathered all those up, and built a full complex life and story from it…

it dealt with something so real and tragic but also beautiful and full of love.

I don’t think most mcu movies did this.

and it’s why I wrote all of this.

give credit where it’s due.

black widow is the most heartbreakingly painful and beautiful film marvel’s ever made…

it was a full and concise and finished and complete story, start to finish, about the hero who’s earned it, the goddamned most.

acknowledge what they did with this film.

it’s what they, nat & the creatives, deserve.

acknowledge it.

they didn’t work this hard to give nat such a meaningful loving & complex life and family and story, only for it to be called lesser

than films who tackle their themes in much shorter times

and with themes that aren’t as rooted in reality

acknowledge what they did.

acknowledge it.

I’m not really that knowledgeable over what framing and lighting really means…

but I think those details mean something

how their life at ohio, playing in the yard was flickered with sunlight, and fireflies

how it turned to night when they were forced to flee and return to russia

how it was night when they first entered the red room

but then there’d be more and more light as nat had progressed with their plan, with beams of light, flashing through the window behind her

and then once the dust had settled, the sun was rising on them, the survivors.

but… the most poignant & meaningful of all these lighting shots that I found…

was nat’s endings,

when she said goodbye to her family…

it was almost like, she was saying goodbye to us too…

with daylight, shining all around behind her, as she walked away and whistled her goodbye

this happening with her goodbye to her family

and with her official final shot of her, heading into the horizon, to her destiny

saving the universe, and saving her family

they cared so much to give her these beautifully poetically luminescent images of her, guys…

my heart breaks as I don’t see anyone else acknowledging this…

so please… acknowledge it.

acknowledge, what they did.

acknowledge it.

[agent-cupcake]

Imagine having a child with a guy named Jimmy. Cursed.

OTHERWISE you all pretty much echoed what I was thinking, bless you.

cw pregnancy / forced pregnancy

(As ever, this is all in the context of dark personalities. I hesitate to say yandere, although that’s kind of become synonymous with dark personality AU’s and an obvious argument can be made that a darker take on the characters could lead into a yandere scenario) 

Ferdinand von Aegir

~While I don’t think he’d go out of his way to have a baby, he definitely wouldn’t take any steps to avoid it, either. That is, he wouldn’t really stray into breeding kink territory or anything of that kind but he’s not gonna pull out either. 

~But, yeah, if you were to get pregnant, Ferdinand wouldn’t be displeased by any means. He’d legitimately think it was the best way to “fix” things and out of a misguided attempt to ignore any negative aspects of the relationship and cling to the idealism of a happy marriage. 

~Just a side note, but I def see him with a body worship kink and I can only begin to imagine how that would intensify with his weakness for the softness and so-called beauty of motherhood. Whatever that’s supposed to mean.   

~Honestly, I don’t see him overtly leveraging  as a manipulation tactic. No, he’s good enough that his genuine feelings could do the job for him. Like, it’s not just you anymore. You’re responsible for another life so don’t you think you just trust him and let him take care of you? Oh, sure, he’d humor you (on account of the hormones) and say that he understands why you’re upset, but please just calm down. Everything will be all right, he’ll take care of you. 

~I think that Ferdinand would want a family even without the whole dark personality aspect. The way he’d see it is that children are a natural result of a union and love. He’d absolutely cherish your children if for no other reason than the fact that they’d be half you, although you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t have a horrible weakness for kids.  

~You’d be barely showing and he’d be picking out baby names and getting opinions on how to decorate the nursery and occasionally freaking out due to anticipation and nerves. He’d be really, disastrously, over-the-top protective, too. I just assume white magic would greatly lessen the infant and mother mortality rate but that doesn’t entirely remove the risk of complications so he’d be cloyingly careful about everything you ate, keeping tabs on any possible oddity going on with you. And, you know, I think he would enjoy emotionally taking care of you. Like if you were scared or sad or anything, I think he’d enjoy comforting you in a way that’s definitely not healthy. He’d enjoy being needed, I suppose.

~Yeah, so overall I view any sort of darker personality take on Ferdinand to be him, but with his sweet and noble and protective traits dialed up to an eleven without any sort of self awareness to make him pause and consider that maybe you don’t feel the same so having a child like this, as an intentional act of manipulation to make you stay or not, would be within the realm of possibilities.

Sylvain Jose Gautier (Bastard Man)

~Sylvain is pretty easy to imagine with a dark personality. I mean, assuming you have no pity in your heart and are willing to write him in a way that he never was able to get over his myriad issues, self hatred, severe distrust of people’s true intentions, and familial trauma.

~Assuming all that, and entertaining the idea that he could never find a good balance of repression and escapism, I think Sylvain would create an unhealthy emotional bond to a single person he believed to be exempt from his overall dismal regard for people and do this fun little thing where he’d chaotically flip flop between extreme emotions of distrust, blame, and anger and adoration, need, and a desperation to be seen as he was and still loved. 

~But it’d be a brutal cycle because he’s not the delusional type. Sometimes he could be, both with the good and the bad, but those would be kind of episodic. There’d be bad days where he’d be utterly convinced that you were just like the rest and he’d pick little fights and generally just be pretty pissy. But then sometimes he’d be blinded by love and so caught up in it that even if you told him no, he’d take it with a cheeky wink because of course you loved him and everything was so good. But, mostly, it’d just be a lot of dysfunction and Sylvain trying to lure you into a nice, good relationship with him by being mostly normal and decently charming and even, occasionally, being vulnerable (and tricking you into being vulnerable with him). 

~Anyway, back to the point. With all that context, why not bring a baby into the mix, right?    

~How many times does Sylvain bring up crest babies. Please, someone do a hard count and get back to me because damn son. So, may I just say, if anyone of these three were to have a breeding kink it’d be him. Is that controversial? Just think about it. Every girl ever wants him mystical crest cum, right? So, mentally, the whole thing would have a lot of weight and significance. Also Sylvain just strikes me as the type who’d be self aware enough of his dark and unhealthy needs that staking as intimate of a claim as that would be erotic. Unlike the other two, the act of forcing an irreversible and tangible change in your body and mind would be interesting. Not that he’d tell you any of that, or even dwell on it himself. 

~I’m torn between Sylvain saying it was an accident and him using the argument that since the two of you were in love, it was only natural that you’d start a family together. How could you not want to have his children? Better yet, how was he supposed to know that you wanted to wait. 

~But if you continued to be unreasonable, he’d go on the defensive. Like, what are you going to do? Leave him? For what? To raise his baby on your own? Or, worse, abandon your child? If you thought he’d voiced unfairly negative opinions about women before, the way he’d talk about a mother who abandoned her child and such a good, happy life with a loving husband would be infinitely worse. After all, he wanted to make a change in your relationship and be happy together. He wanted to be a good, loving father. He wanted a family with you. After everything, what kind of person would you be to throw that all away?

~So that’s... a lot. 

~But Sylvain’s the type to be awful in the moment then regret it after the heat dies down. Knowing he’d hurt you would genuinely tear him up inside. All of that adoration and desperation to keep you with him because he’d feel like he needed you to be happy would kick in and he’d break down under the guilt and tell you how much he loved you, how happy it made him to think that the two of you could have a family, that he knew you would be a great mother, that he knew he’d messed up but he would make it up to you, that you really could be a happy family. 

~Just saying, I can see him taking a perverse sort of pleasure in the physical effects of pregnancy. Also, he’d definitely be a lot softer with you. Guilty conscience, anyone?

Dimitri (Dimi) (Jimmy)

~You, dear anon, said it better than I could have myself. I agree SO HARD that Dimitri would be terrified of being a parent, but at the same time I think, if it were to happen, he’d be utterly enamored with the idea. There’s a lot more that I think about how he’d regard fatherhood, but that’s the gist. 

~Funny thing is, darker Dimitri is just like... More needy... unbearably protective... Paranoid... less stable... bad at managing his emotions when it comes to you... But, like, the same general emotions about fatherhood would apply because that’s already pretty complex. Only, this time, with an obvious emphasis on how it would effect you and your relationship. 

~I was going to say that I can’t see Dimitri purposefully impregnating you, but that’s not entirely true. In a fit where he’s feeling especially raw and paranoid, I think he would do it very purposefully and even almost-kinda-sorta relish in the idea. 

~I view his obsessive feelings to be like an itch he can’t quite scratch because he knows better than anybody how easy it would be to lose you and doesn’t know how to manage both his own instability with the unpredictable world because at any moment it could all spiral apart. 

~So, this in mind, he could believe that having a baby would make things different. More than just vows or words or rings or anything, it would be a concrete and absolute tie between the two of you. He would have an unquestionable claim over you that would go beyond the scope of just your relationship, you’d be carrying the royal heir which would give Dimitri even further valid excuses to be suffocatingly overprotective.

~It would be... So messy... On the one hand, I think the concept of fatherhood, of being given another chance, of being needed that much more by both you and the child, would really appeal to him. It could even sand off some of the rougher edges of his darker traits, now that he had this assured security in keeping you with him. Sure, the itch wouldn’t be scratched entirely, but it would be easier to ignore, there would be a solid way to reassure himself that you were his.   

~But Dimitri’s got this awful middle ground of self awareness. Anything that would come off delusion would be a result of his endless attempts at rationalizing his unhealthy feelings and trying to make sense of it all without having to actually confront the issues. But that wouldn’t mean he wouldn’t know, on some level, that what he was doing wasn’t healthy and how bad it was for you. The guilt would be intense, which would be apart of the reason he needed to keep you so close all the time because then he could pretend that you needed him just as badly, that everything was all right because he could take care of you better than anyone else. 

~Dimitri’s self aware guilt would allow a part of himself to understand that he should let you go. He could even, on the bad days, convince himself that maybe, one day, he would allow you to leave him because he loved you, because what he was doing was wrong. As long as you were near him, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself, he would always hurt you. 

~But using pregnancy to force you to stay with him would, perhaps even in an intentional subconscious way, cut off that last-ditch contingency to ease his own guilt and pain of what he was doing by keeping you with him. Now that you were going to be having his child, the royal heir, would mean that you could never leave. He’d know it. You would probably know it, too. 

~After that point, Dimitri would double down with proving his affection, proving that he was capable of taking care of you and his child and that you could be a family and everything would be okay. 

[bookworm-2692]

For the ZE Ask Game: 1b, 1e, 2a, 3d, 5e, 5f and 5n!

Thank you for sending the asks! I love talking about Zero Escape so thank you for enabling me :D

Questions from here

1b: Favourite character design?

Okay, you know how hard it is for me to pick favourite characters because they’re all wonderful and that’s why you went with this question haha. Hmm. There are so many good designs (especially with the colour coding!!!). I prefer the designs in the first two games, since they’re really bright and colourful, and the third game is darker and dingier. I like that each character has a main colour that stands out and doesn’t really belong to anyone else (except for Dio and K who both have the red and gold aesthetics, but that’s valid because red and gold is a brilliant aesthetic). I think in 999, my favourite is actually Junpei’s - I love the blue colour of his vest, and the blue vest and red shirt just. Work super well together. It’s a fashion disaster but it’s also an aesthetic I vibe with so. (also love the red blue colour coding with Junpei specifically so). In VLR, much as I loathe him, I really like Dio’s design. The top hat and the braids and the red and gold work really well together and it’s fun. Dio is super frustrating though, but his design slaps!

1e: Favourite scene?

Oooo tricky. There’s so many good moments. I think I have to go with the classic though - the moment in 999 True End where Junpei gets the safe end code, and the narration goes “How did Junpei know? He knew because I knew”. It’s so chilling and also so satisfying to see everything suddenly click. I love it, and I love watching people experiencing that for the first time. It’s like. The best part of the game, I reckon.

2a: Least favourite character?

Okay I’m trying to not immediately say Delta but like.... Delta. I think he had a super interesting concept, but the way it was executed made it so much worse. I hated that they just.... hid him from view so then the twist was that this character you didn’t even know existed was Zero? It just felt cheap. Also ~complex motives~ got really annoying - I would have much preferred it if he had said “yeah I’m only doing this to ensure my birth (and the birth of my sister). soz lmao”. Because that motive feels more real? Rather than just adding a whole random “religious fanatic” in a vague sort of way. I do like the concept of him and Phi being twins and being separated in such a way that they’re very different ages now, but again the execution of Sigma and Diana’s romance was like. Not done well.

So yeah, Delta is my least favourite because he doesn’t significantly effect the plot, barely exists, and when he is present his motives don’t make sense and his abilities are not foreshadowed at all (morphogenetic fields in 999 were good, the entire game was spent explaining the concept. Mind Hack? Right outta left field and also if we’re trying to make it work based on how morphogenetic field theory was explained in 999, the “reading minds” part of it is “extremely strong receiver”, and the “forcing people to do actions” part of it is “extremely strong transmitter”, so he should have one of the abilities but not both. And if he is a really strong transmitter.... he’s gotta mime out the action in order to write it into the fields to encourage others to follow! And I reckon natural transmitters, who are worse at receiving, are naturally slightly resistant to this, natural receivers are more vulnerable to this, and normal people somewhere in between. But yes, if Delta is gonna Mind Hacc Eric, then we should see him in the corner miming holding a gun, pointing, and firing!! Bleugh!

Wow that turned into a bit of a rant. Whoops?

3d: Rank the endings

I have been given the choice to either rank the true ends across the three games, or all the endings within a particular game. I am so bad at choices ugh.

Anyway, the true ends:

999 - it really tied everything together and explained everything. The sequence in the incinerator, seeing 12 year old Akane and 21 year old Junpei talking to each other, Junpei saving young Akane, Clover’s absolute joy at finding out Light is alive, the “he knew because I knew” thing that I mentioned above, just everything. It was a self contained story, so everything was addressed and it was good.

VLR - this is more second by default, since I love 999′s true end and hate ZTD’s true end. But overall, this is fairly solid, and I like the concept of them doing this in 2074 to change an outcome in 2028, but it loses points because it relies on ZTD to “complete” it

ZTD - I hate this true end. The game has very enjoyable moments, but unfortunately the true end amounts to “oh let’s just... SHIFT to a timeline where we all survive” and that’s it? Which just feels sort of pointless tbh. And is so unsatisfactory

Within 999, I feel all six five endings are extremely solid, and all have a part to play an a story to tell. Knife End may be the most unsatisfactory, but it’s still okay. True, Safe, and Sub Ends are the ends with credits, and they’re all full of great dialogue and story. Axe End is also great, and I love the way you get to see the other side of Clover (and I really like the art of Clover holding an axe, I actually drew it on Saturday (when I started writing these answers, but it’s Wednesday now because I’ve been busy) for a friend’s birthday, which is technically my first ZE fanart and I’ll post it here at. Some point. Knife end is a bit quick, but honestly that’s okay? Especially when considering how many bad ends the other two games have that aren’t even named. Coffin End was my first end, and I wasn’t expecting the “to be continued” so I basically just collapsed and lay face down on the ground for a fair bit, but again given how many plot locks the other games have, coffin end is chill. So 999 has the most solid endings overall.

Within VLR, there are nine named endings, one for each character, and 13 ish unnamed bad ends. The unnamed bad ends are all like.... basically as soon as you make the decision you die or whatever, they don’t continue onwards like they do for Axe End etc in 999. I like that the named endings are designed for you to learn about each character, even though some of them are kinda weak. Like Quark’s ending, we didn’t really learn about him, and most of what we learnt about him was from Tenmyouji’s ending. I agree with what you said, Finch, about how it would have been nice to get some more Quark content/bonding/something, after he wakes up. Clover’s ending was also pretty disappointing, since she vaguely alluded to 999 and then everyone killed themselves. But there were some really good ones, like Luna’s and K’s and Dio’s (very fun that Phi was about to smash his head with a rock even if betraying Luna to get to that point is painful). Actually I really like the whole murder mystery aspect of everything behind the Magenta door. 

Within ZTD, I do appreciate that the endings all served their purposes, but I disliked the way there were sometimes multiple endings in the same timeline, while other timelines... had none. It just was a bit all over the shop. Most of the endings were informative for the characters, but the true end sucks.

5e: Rant about something you liked from the games

I adore all the red/blue symbolism in the games, especially in 999. The way every time the morphogenetic field is described, the transmitters are red people and the receivers are blue people. And then when you learn who the espers are, you can see how the colours align. Clover is a transmitter, and her colour scheme is a lot of dark pink, close to red, while Light, a receiver, has lots of blue in his design. Junpei and Akane can both transmit and receive (with each other), and this is shown by Junpei wearing both red and blue, and Akane wearing purple, a mix of red and blue. It’s really neat. Also, Junpei is new to the morphogenetic fields, so his blue and red is still separate, but Akane is so entwined within them, and uses them so easily, that her blue and red have mixed to become purple.

In VLR, Clover is still pink, and Junpei still has blue (even though he’s lost the red, but that could show he’s lost connection to Akane and now has no one to transmit to, although I think it’s hilarious if he was still unintentionally transmitting to Akane over the years, and that’s how she kept tabs on him and found him again for VLR.

In ZTD, Diana is red and Sigma is blue. I actually headcanon Diana as a receiver and Sigma as a transmitter (as in, he transmitted his memories to himself across timelines rather than a natural receiver ability), so I like that in ZTD they have opposite colours/each other’s colours. Phi is blue in both games and still a receiver imo.

So the colour symbolism is obviously strongest in 999, but I really like it.

5f: Rant about something you disliked from the games

In VLR, Clover says that stronger espers absorb the powers of weaker espers, and that’s why she can’t contact her brother. I hate this “fact” actually, because it directly contradicts the way the morphogenetic fields work in 999 and ZTD, and also in VLR itself. In 999, we have nine sets of esper siblings during the First Nonary Game, and since they all survived, we know that their esper powers must have worked correctly.... which means we can’t have had one Super Esper absorbing all the powers. The true end of ZTD has the powers of all the espers working together to create a resonant effect so that even Eric and Mira, non espers, can SHIFT. I also dislike SHIFTing (a rant for another day), but the idea of multiple espers in a vicinity resonating/boosting everyone’s powers makes way more sense than.... one person absorbing everyone else’s powers.

And even within VLR.... Tenmyouji does the ally/betray swapsies thing with Sigma and Phi, which means he is also remembering another timeline.... which means his powers are still working and not being absorbed by Phi and Sigma. Also.... both Phi and Sigma are using their powers and SHIFTing everywhere. Why doesn’t one of them absorb the other’s powers? Also also, we learn in the True End that Akane was in K’s armour the entire time during the timeline where Sigma and Phi most use their powers for all the bomb passwords and locations etc. You cannot try to tell me that Akane isn’t the strongest esper, ever. She simply is. If absorbing was true, then we would literally never see anyone else use their powers, because Akane is always there (FNG, 999, VLR, ZTD) and would have to be doing all the absorbing. Gah.

So I reckon, even though Clover said that, that she was simply wrong. That was the current theory SOIS had, but.... they don’t have to be right.

In any case, there are other reasons why Clover might not have been able to contact Light in VLR. The first is simply that he is dead. Another is the idea that minds linked by the morphogenetic fields have a sort of... shape. That fits perfectly with those they are esper partners with. And as the espers grow, so do their mind shapes. Clover was frozen on the 22nd of December 2028, and awoke on the 25th of January 2074. Her mind shape was not able to evolve and grow, so it is preserved. Light however has been living those 45 years, which means that’s been a lot of time for his mind shape to grow and change. Clover can’t find Light’s mind in the morphogenetic field, since it no longer looks the same, and their shapes no longer fit together. This is my personal headcanon, and it means that when Clover finds him, their minds can get used to each other again and their shapes can align, and they can be linked again.

5n: Do you have any fanart/fanfic/fangame recommendations?

Boy, do I ever? The First Nonary Game by @airdeari . What it says on the tin, folks! Airdeari has named all nine pairs of siblings, and created unique sibling relationships and unique experiences with the morphogenetic field for all of them, and woven a beautiful story together, and it’s just wonderful. It’s my favourite fic ever, to the point where I literally bound it and it now exists as a physical book in my life. Like, I cannot recommend this fic enough, it is the best.

AO3 Summary: A tale of nine children aboard a sinking ship, and the unbelievable story of how they survived.

[margridarnauds]

Toho RJ 2021 costumes? What do you think?

Thanks for the question! 

....so, I actually unfollowed the RetJ Toho page. Because as much as I ADORE Toho RetJ, I actually couldn’t sit by for this production, I was so discouraged, and the more I looked, the more I was discouraged, so I didn’t even stay long enough for the costume reveals. That being said.... I do have MIXED opinions .

Which is actually better than it sounds, because as much as I hate almost everything I’ve been hearing about this production, “mixed” is actually positive-leaning. 

Romeo’s costume looks considerably cleaner, but also....cheap?

Let’s compare:  

(Yes, I’m showing Ohno. Yes, we’re at THAT point.) 

The new one looks like Romeo just....grabbed it off the rack? As opposed to it being something that he actually wears every day? It looks BETTER, more streamlined, but it looks more like a costumme™ VS something that really fits the setting, much less something that fits ROMEO as a character. (Dye it red and it would be a suitable Tybalt costume.) Part of why I actually HATED RetJ Toho’s costuming the very first time I saw previews for it was that I thought that, well....they were hideous. They were hideous, they were cheap, they looked like anything you could see on the STREET, and I wanted my pretty flowing gowns BACK. 

BUT! Then, as time went on, as I saw the full musical, I realized the genius behind them: They perfectly suited the world that THIS particular production wanted to show. No, you couldn’t put them on the French cast, because they aren’t the French cast - They have an entirely new setting to work with, rougher, grittier, just several degrees removed from us. So, in that context, do I think that Romeo’s costume works for Romeo Montague, the character, in the setting that Toho’s created? Not really. It looks BETTER, I think, in the sense that it’s something I, personally, would be more willing to wear, I like the cut better, I like the darker colors, I like the design, I like the silver accents and the overall color scheme, but it isn’t something that FITS. (Also am I high or does the strap on the shoulder somewhat look like his new Zuka look?) 

I do like Mercutio and Benvolio more because, in their case, I was (1) Never particularly ATTACHED to the old designs - I never particularly cared for how busy they were and the color scheme always seemed rather bleh (though I understood the IDEA behind it, as far as showing that, even though the Montagues looked like a mess, they had more cohesion as a group than the Capulets) and (2) ....I do like the Renaissance styled cut sleeves. I can see, in those cases, a bit of method behind the madness, and I respect it. I respect combining 16th century and modern fashion to create a contemporary look that still references the original. (Look. I’m still in love with the choices made in Julie Taymor’s Tempest.)

Only problem is that Benvolio does look LESS “Gang Leader” and more “Fratboy Who Thinks That Cutting Down On Starbucks Will Fix Your Student Debt.” 

As opposed to this mess who has definitely lost his phone in one of his pockets at some point: 

Juliette runs into a similar problem as Romeo: 

On one hand, I do like ASPECTS of it. I like the color scheme, the red accents really hold the whole thing together, though I’d leave that belt (which also reminds me unfortunately of the Red Leather Belt of Horror from the recent Zuka production.) I like the sleeves because, once again, Italian Renaissance fashion being modernized, but I’m also still not really sold it fits the world of TOHO RetJ. It DOES fit Juliette more as a character than Romeo’s. A part of me like the collar and the layering - Even if it makes for a gown that looks either....I want to say 19th century or 1950s (I can almost see her going on a milkshake date with Romeo), which really works with that idea of Juliette kind of having a cute “vintage” aesthetic, which we can see even back in the 2019 production. 

VS this, which has less of a vintage appeal (though it DOES still have that styling, with both the jacket and the skirt, I would still place her style around the 1950s), is probably something that I would be less inclined to pick up if I had to choose between one or the other, but that kind of fits the idea of a princess growing up in this totally ruined town (and also looks more like regular street fashion). Verona’s still a bit of a wasteland, we get that distinct vibe from the projections, even if they’re now far enough out from the nuclear explosion to have trees again. It doesn’t really make sense for me that Juliette would have this fresh off the rack look, even if Daddy C spoils her, because (1) He’s broke and (2) ....logistically, it would be a nightmare. Clothing would have to be made to last, like 2019 Juliette, who’s wearing NICE clothes, but clothes that are more practical, more likely something that she’s worn a few times. (But also. The new shoes are CUTE. I can admit it.) It’s also what makes Paris stand out: He DOES have an impractical, shiny costume that he must have spent a FORTUNE on, because he has money to burn and no sense. 

No signs of intelligent life found here. 

The rest....I wasn’t too invested in the changes one way or another, only thing I really noted was that Lady C’s corset’s a bit of a letdown. We really went from: 

To

The result is flat and rather cheap, the buckle looking like a failed attempt at ornamentation that really ends up just coming out of nowhere. 

THAT being said: Oka Kojiro back in his gray Peyrol coat for Escalus really makes me feel like coming home, I’ve missed seeing that man on stage, I’ve missed seeing him in gray, barking at actors decades his junior, so you know what? Maybe, just maybe.........I will keep a slightly closer eye on this. I won’t pretend that I’m more encouraged than I am, but I like the Juliettes and I like Escalus and tbh, they’re my favorite characters anyway so......

Overall.........I can’t say that I hate everything they’ve done. Quite a few of them are pretty, I like the hints of historical fashion, but I also feel like they’re kind of losing that strong sense of setting that really makes the Toho distinct from basically any other production of RetJ out there (yes....even as opposed to ResJ). 

[lady-griffin]

I'm curious, who do you ship in Otome Game no Hametsu Flag?

Oh Boy, get ready for a lengthy answer, that’s a lot longer than you ever wanted. 

I pretty much ship Katarina with everyone in the harem, except Keith and Sophia.

Even though Keith is in love with Katarina, they have such a pure sibling dynamic. I would hate for Katarina and Keith to lose their sibling, even if they gained a romantic partner out of it.

Sophia and Katarina have such a wonderful platonic relationship that I just adore. I know Sophia loves Katarina like the rest, but their whole dynamic is the most friendship based, especially for a certain big reason. I prefer their friendship with one another than a romance.

Here’s who I ship and in what order.

1. Katarina x Geordo

I love their dynamic and relationship and just everything about them. The setup for these two works for me on every level. Their scenes are my favorite and I’m always looking forward to seeing them interact with one another.

The juxtaposition of Geordo clearly being in love with Katarina and her having contingency plans in case he exiles or attacks her is just amazing. It’s so goddamn funny.

Plus, that juxtaposition provides such wonderful tension between the two, which is very enjoyable to see and explore.

It’s also interesting that their dynamic was established first, which makes me think that the rule of first guy/girl might apply to the story. Especially, since their engagement is a factor to a lot of the other love-interests’ feeling towards Katarina.

While it hasn’t been developed that much (at least in the Manga) something about Geordo being a black-hearted prince and not the fairytale prince he presents himself as is, for me, a very rich mine that has yet to be explored. The fact that Katarina is also very aware of that side of him, because of her secret knowledge, makes it all the more intriguing.

There are just so many possibilities for these two.

While this might ruin the harem aspect of it all, I think there could be a very interesting new dynamic if Katarina returned Geordo’s feelings –

(1) But she was completely unaware of her own feelings.

(2) If she were aware, would completely think Geordo is not in love with her.

(3) Katarina wonders and panics if her wanting to be with Geordo confirms that she is the villainess. Is she getting in the way of him and Maria or him and someone else? Is she just sealing her own doomed ending by being in love with him?

OR what if Geordo did break off his engagement with Katarina, because he has to be engaged to someone else (or thinks he does). And Katarina, to her own surprise, became sad.

Because then I can imagine a whole Ouran Highschool Host Club like-scenario, with Katarina going after Geordo but some other group or force tries to stop her.

Then whole harem helps her get to him, each letting her go in the process, because of their feelings (not despite) they all want Katarina to be happy.

There are so many possibilities for these two, so even if it’s not what I imagine, I’m just excited to see what is to come for these two. 

They just won over my little shipper heart.

2.  Katarina x Mary

I greatly enjoy Mary and Katarina’s friendship and whole dynamic. I love their scenes together. Seeing them together as friends, an unrequited love, a couple – is perfection for me.

They have such wonderful chemistry together and I’m always hungry for more. 

I love Mary having that bit of an edge to her (apparently more so in the Light Novels). And combined with Katarina’s density you have the makings of a great comedic dynamic.

In the game it seems like Mary was just the perfect lady – outside and inside. There wasn’t a darker shade or ulterior aspect to her (though that could just be the game’s limited view of the world).

But our Mary, she is more than willing to fight for Katarina.

That girl has an extensive profile on all of her rivals and is closely monitoring all their relationships with Katarina. Mary would cut a bitch is what I’m saying.

Which is very similar to Geordo, which is why I think Mary is so appealing to me as a love interest for Katarina. What I like about Geordo and Katarina, Mary and Katarina also have that factor.

Also, since Katarina is best girl and Mary is also best girl then clearly the two should be together (I’m sorry, Sophia and Maria – I love you two as well).

If Mary got the girl in the end, I would be over the moon.  And that’s what shipping is all about.

3. Katarina x Maria

I enjoy their relationship, whether it be platonic or romantic.

I was curious when I began to read the Manga if Maria was going to become the villain, since Katarina became the heroine. I was pleased that was not the case – hell, far from it as Katarina romanced her too.

They’re just so cute and sweet. And I love that when everyone else is exasperated with Katarina, Maria is just smiling all lovey-dovey, not even bothered. That’s great.

It also seems like Katarina saved Maria from her loneliness in a way that the game never really explored with the four main love-interests, so there’s that whole aspect to their relationship, which I am intrigued by and really like. 

If I’m being honest, though, I do think they are missing that good romantic tension that I think all good romances need. I want more of a bite to them and their relationship. So, they’re not quite there for me as a couple, at least not yet. 

Nonetheless, Katarina is lovely and wonderful. Maria is lovely and wonderful. So, the two of them together would be lovely and wonderful. 

4. Katarina x Alan

I guess with the kind of character Alan is, I thought we would have gotten more of his relationship with Katarina than what we actually get (in the Manga so far).

When I started reading the manga, I just assumed he was going to be the main rival to Geordo. So, when that didn’t happen, I was surprised. A part of me feels like there’s something missing with these two that I’m not being shown, which piques my imagination.

I like that the anime has elaborated on Alan and Katarina’s relationship, with what we’ve been given so far, because their relationship was lacking.

I love the drama of Alan falling in love with his brother’s fiancée and all that jazz. They also have a unique dynamic as friends and once rivals which is nice.

While Katarina is dense as all hell, Alan is not too far behind – especially when it comes to feelings and how to act on them. So, their combined density might just kill everyone else if combined– which would be a lot of fun.  

Overall, I do ship them less because of what we’ve been given so far, but more because of their potential.

5. Katarina x Nicol

Unfortunately, for Nicol there’s not all that much of him in comparison to the others.

I like his and Katarina’s relationship from his side - he’s cool and reserved to pretty much everyone (except Sophia), but quickly loses all that calm when it comes to Katarina. 

I do love his whole I’m prepared to walk an appropriate distance behind you, while you become the wife of my dear friend and prince and maybe my future King. That’s just some good romantic angst there.

It’s also nice how they both love Sophia and that is the basis of their entire foundation. 

There is something so underrated about a person falling for another, because of how they interact with their family. 

Oh, and Sophia rooting for these two, is just too cute.

6. Katarina x Raphael

Honestly, these two just comes across as though Katarina adopted a new little brother – even though he’s older. But I’m not opposed to their dynamic if it got more development. I’m really more in love with their friendship than anything else, though. 

Non-Katarina Ships (Gasp, can it be?)

7. Alan x Mary

I really like their dynamic as it currently is – and it would hilarious to me that while these two are engaged and both in love with Katarina – that somehow amongst all of that mess they started to develop feelings for one another.

In the game, Alan didn’t have any feelings for Mary (which how is that even possible - she’s Mary).

But, boy did he get jealous in this timeline when he thought Katarina was stealing away his fiancée when they were kids (which, yeah, that was 100% the case).

It feels like there could definitely be something between these two, which I’m not oppose to, as long as it feels organic and not just them being paired off together to tie up loose ends. 

8. Maria x Raphael 

I don’t know why, but I just really like the idea of these two together. Maybe because it feels like opposites coming together with their magic.

I think it would be fun if one of Maria’s romance-targets became a romantic possibility for her in this time-line. I just like them - romantic or not.

9. Keith x Maria

I think they would be sweet. Out of the four main romance-targets these two just work the best with how they are in the current timeline, in my opinion.  

10. Keith x Nicol

I saw a fan comic of these two and I liked it…

Keith being charmed by Nicol (as we have seen men are also affected) is nice. They also have the whole, I will do anything to protect my sister thing, going for them.

So, that’s some nice shared ground between the two of them. 

11. Keith x Sophia

They’re both very sweet and adorable younger siblings. It would be cute.

12. Mary x Maria

Honestly, why not. There’s not a real reason here, other than – why the hell not?

 --

And that’s who I ship in Otome Game No Hametsu Flag. 

This is just my personal opinion of who I ship. No judgement on anyone else or what they ship or who their favorite ship is. 

Also, sorry for the length. I have a lot of feelings and opinions on Hamefura. 

[ow-anteater]

Let me know everything you’ve got about Ana and her relationships with everyone!!

Who’s her favorite person? What do you think her relationship with Fareeha is like? I love relationship dynamics, and I adore Ana, so anything you’ve got, let it rip.

I can’t believe you’d let me do this. This is my favorite thing to talk about. Read more because it’s long and very rambly

Most of how I interpret and relate to Ana is informed by the fact I HC that she’s really, really good at people at arms length because of some misunderstood urge to help. This lady is so capable and so many people depend on her and sometimes she internalized that in a very negative, ‘can’t ask for help ever’ kind of way - one of my favorite dynamics for her is her friendship with Soldier because I think they’re both this exact type of person and they’re the only ones allowed to call each other out on it. There’s a lot of gently padding the other’s shoulder to tell them ‘it’s okay to ask for help when you need it’ and the other responding with a ‘YOU WALKED AROUND ON A BROKEN LEG FOR THREE DAYS WITHOUT TELLING ME BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS AN INCONVINIENCE!’. Who is playing what part differs from week to week.

Generally I am utterly charmed by her and Jack’s relationship. I don’t know if he’s her favorite person in the world - I think she’d have a hard time answering that in general. But I love them for this idea that they are each other’s softness? Before the fall, there was time for being soft - Gabe was soft with both of them and Rein treated Ana so well, kind and good and goofy, even Angela had the good sense to force her into a hug when they’d both been in the med bay for decidedly too long. Most of it burned away when she decided to disappear and it’s only when her and Jack team up again it’s reintroduced into her life. One of my longest standing and most dear headcanons is that Ana and Jack are very physically affectionate with each other. They bump shoulder’s and steady each other and put their heads in each other’s laps because a person needs that - they need that - and they’ve known each other for so long there are no questions and no shame in it.

I have some old, obscure post that’s like ‘Gabe is Ana’s rock because he can tell when she’s overwhelmed and assures her he’ll always be there to back her up. Ana is Jack’s rock because she’s warm and kind when he gets bugged down in the statistics and non-personal aspects of saving the world. Jack is Gabe’s rock because he’s stubbornly insistent on a better world when Gabe’s faith waivers’ and yeah it was a joke but that is genuinely still how I feel about them. Ana loved those two like brothers and best friends and in all the painful, complicated ways you can love somebody and what she has(/had) with them was blindingly special and she misses Gabe so much. He was her fucking safety net and she watched him fall from grace.

As for Fareeha I obviously do think Ana loves her, so much it pains her sometimes and everything she did was fueled by love and protectiveness. But that insistent need to carry every burden alone was what tore them apart. I really, really hope they add more content between these two because this kind of relationship is rarely depicted with the kind of grace and intricacy I think they could approach it with. Ana doubtlessly traumatized her daughter in some way but she’s also a deeply sympathetic character with very solid motives for everything she’s done. I really hope they don’t just throw all this lovely setup out the window.

On a lighter note I am an absolute sucker for the idea that the rest of the overwatch crew was present in Fareeha’s life. That’s uncle Gabe and other uncle Jack and Rein was probably just ‘Beinard’ or some other baby speech approximation of his name from how much he says it himself. Most of them also had a fine relation with Sam - as did Ana even after the divorce. 

When I want to feel bad, I like to think she - in her darker moments - somehow wish she hadn’t let them all so close, let them all be her family in all other ways than blood because it hurt that much more to let them go. Most of the older overwatch folk probably entertain the idea of ‘maybe if I hadn’t invested so much?’ in the bleaker times, but Ana is especially bad at it. Lord knows she never had a choice but to love them.