#can you feel my confusion with myself through this?
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Hi!!! Could i request a đź with verstappen that have âdonât you care about me at all?â Like angst but with a happy ending. Thank you!!!
â donât you care about me at all? â â max verstappen
pairing | max verstappen x reader
content warnings | angst, comfort, happy ending
â
join my short n sweet friendsgiving!
âââââââââââââââââââââââââ
you watch him sleep peacefully while your mind is filled with negative thoughts; did he love you? why was he pushing you away? had you done something? it hadnât been the best season only the first half was great then the car started having problems and then battling for the championship with lando it wasnât easy. so you understand the stress he had and tried your best to be there for him but heâd push you away everytime.
he had a rough race? youâd be there ready to give him your supportive words and touch he used to love but itâs now turned into quick side hugs and kisses on the cheek. from flying to most of the races with him turned into staying at home taking care of jimmy and sassy and watching the race on the tv screen.
you put your slippers on and walked off onto your balcony as the sun was rising. you didnât realize how much time passed as max walks out in his workout clothes saying he would be going to the gym with his trainer, âokay,â you mutter, your eyes still set on the view avoiding his eyes as best as you can. going to the gym when you have a home gym right here? but the words never come out and he leaves.
âshe didnât even look at me just said okay and thatâs all. sheâs always up early make breakfast and my smoothie always ready but i woke up to an empty bed. thought she wanted to spend the break together as much as we can.â max tells his trainer as they finished up their workout. max left the apartment confused from the cold shoulder youâd given him, âi mean, you havenât let her join you the last few races youâve had. it could be that? or the fact sheâs always checking up on your through the team because you never tell her anything other than fine everytime she asks how you are doing and the car.â his trainer knocks him out of this trance heâs had for months now as he realizes what he had been doing.
thatâs why he stands in the kitchen with your favorite flowers on the counter and take out food ready to talk and apologize but you donât come after he calls for your name. he walks to your bedroom and you are nowhere to be seen until he reaches the balcony and he realizes youâve been sitting in your same spot you were on when he had left. âschatje? why are you still out here? itâs freezingâ.â
âdonât you care about me at all?â you finally look at him, your eyes red and swollen after crying for hours and in that moment his heart breaks because he was breaking yours. âseriously max, what am i to you? it feels like weâre just roommates who sleep in the same bed and thatâs all. i tried. i tried to be the supportive girlfriend but youâŠyou push me away. you talk to everyone but me. i care about you, so why donât you care about me?â
max sits besides you and wipes your tears away before he kisses your head but you just push him away, âi deserve that. i deserve whatever anger you feel towards me right now. i do care about you. i may not have shown it recently and i am sorry for that, baby. iâve been so frustrated with the car and with myself that i couldnât bare for you to see me like this. youâve been there since my first championship and now that it could be in jeopardyâŠi donât you to see me fail,â he whispers, his feelings valid but it leaves you confused why he couldnât tell you all this.
âso why push me away like that, max? i supported you at your best and at your worst. with or without a championship iâm gonna be by your side always. but you need to let me in all the way. you have you talk to me when you feel this way and i should have done the sameâ.â
âno. that wasnât your fault. i was a very shitty boyfriend so i understand why you felt you couldnât talk to me. iâm so so sorry, my love. i promise from now on iâll communicate more,â he promises and you raise your eyebrows expecting more, âand let me go to races again? cant believe you used jimmy and sassy as a pawn for me not going to any.â your pout that makes him chuckle has the mood feeling lighter now.
âi was fucking miserable without you. never again.â he mumbles against your neck as you wrap your arms around him. âiâve got your favorite food and flowers waiting in the kitchen for you, i love youâ
âi love you. youâre the bestestâŠnext time though if you ever say i canât go to a race iâll show up with the mercedes team.â you threaten with a smile on your face.
âokay now that is mean.â
#â
short n sweet friendsgiving event#max verstappen x reader#max verstappen drabble#max verstappen blurb#max verstappen x you#max verstappen fanfic
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TOO LOST IN YOU - part V
Paige Bueckers x bartender!oc
playlist, part I, part II, part III, part IV
Warnings: toxic!p, language, sexual themes, themes of cheating etc
Wordcount: 5.8k
A/N: WE ARE BACK! no smut in this one sorry ik you love it but i think this a bit of a turning point in the fic :) again pls send me feedback and live reactions! it's the best part of writing this series ANYWAY GO READ ty for everything you guys do
-
Weâre both sweaty, my skin sticking to hers as we try and catch our breaths - that fourth round had really done us in. If it hadnât been for me, Iâm sure the blonde next to me wouldâve gone for fifth. That damn athleteâs stamina. This had become a daily routine the past week, ever since our sleepover.
âYou stayinâ over, right?â Paige asks, hand in my hair brushing through it gently. I consider it, the idea of falling asleep in her arms, getting to wake up being held tight by her warming me, but in the back of my mind thereâs something gnawing at me. Iâm pretty sure I had something to do tonight. Oh right. Jay. Shit.
Clumsily climbing out of bed and pulling on my clothes with urgency makes Paige let out a confused chuckle as she sits up, watching me closely. âDamn ma, chill, you can go if you want.â
âNo, I just-â I mumble through my red knitted sweater, pulling it over my head. âI was supposed to see Jay.â In fact Jay had insisted we celebrate because itâs been exactly a month since we started seeing each other. I didnât really get it. Maybe if we were actually dating, and even then just after one month felt⊠Excessive to me. But she had insisted.
Paige goes uncharacteristically quiet for a moment, a hint of something unfamiliar on her face as I pull up my flared yoga pants. I check myself in the mirror, mascara smudged over undereyes, lipstick all over my face and my perfectly styled blowout matted at the back - I looked completely fucked out. The hickey on my collarbone, and the smell of Paigeâs cologne on my clothes didnât help my case.
âPaigeee!â I groan at the reflection staring back at me, scrunching my face as I force my long brown locks into a high ponytail, but the blonde sitting behind me on her purple comforter remains quiet, eyes low and face stoic. Itâs so unlike her I turn around, tightening my pony as I watch her concerned. âP?â
She finally lifts her gaze from the corner of her room to meet my face, smiling weakly. I could tell something was off, and it made my stomach stir. Before I can ask Paige leans her head against the wall behind her, looking to the ceiling and taking a deep breath.
âYou sure you canât stay?â
It sounds vulnerable, almost pleading if I didnât know better. For a moment I waver, but instead I brush it off, turning back to the mirror and fixing my makeup while Paige watches on the bed.
âNah, she wanted to celebrate our one month⊠Something,â I murmur, reapplying the maroon lipstick.
A deep sigh from Paige fills the room as she fidgets with her hands before bringing them up to her jaw, rubbing it.
âWhy are you with her?â
âHuh?â I ask, turning to her but she wonât meet my gaze.
âYou heard me, why are you with her?â
Iâm baffled, astonished by the question. A blush rising to my cheeks I suddenly feel defensive for some reason - mostly because there was no good reason. Jay was nice enough and I liked her company. Sometimes. But at least I knew for certain she would never do what Paige had done to me in the past. Never.
âBecause sheâs good to me! Howâs that any of your business anyway?â my voice rises as I ask, my arms crossing but Paige is quick to get up and walk over to me, pulling me into a hug.
âIâm sorry! Iâm sorry, you right,â she quickly lets out, rubbing up and down my back and the anger immediately subsides. âStupid question, sorry.â She sounds almost scared. I had never heard her sound like that. Trying to understand what it meant made my mind turn to mush so I focus on the way she kisses my forehead and holds my face, our eyes meeting.
âThursday then? After my game?â Paige suggests, now kissing my neck, making me forget all about who was waiting for me. My eyes flutter shut as I hum, trying to answer.
âI canât,â I murmur, Paigeâs lips doing their best work as her teeth nibble my earlobe making me hiss. âMe and Jay are gonna come watch you play,â I admit breathlessly, making her pull away from me.
âSeriously?â She asks, brows furrowed in annoyance. I shrug, unsure why she was so upset.
âIâve been begginâ for you to come see me play and nothinâ? But for JustineâŠ?â
âItâs her birthday! I promised Iâd do what she wanted!â I argue, my voice rising the tiniest bit once more.
Paige looks at the ground and shakes her head frustrated, breathing heavy through her mouth. I couldnât help but feel a little bad, I never in a million years thought she cared this much about me seeing her play. I didnât even care about going with Jay. Honestly, I just wanted to see Paige in her element. I loved listening to her talk about ball, the way her eyes sparkled with knowledge and passion. She might be a piece of shit and an asshole but I really admired her resilience and ambition. If Paige was anything it was incredibly focused and dedicated. Sometimes to her own fault, I thought.
âBesides I bet Claire or-â
âClara.â
âRight, Clara, will be there to watch you play!â Her name tastes sour in my mouth.
âI donâ care about her, want you watchinâ me!â
âWell I will be watchinâ you!â
âWith Justine!â Paige groans with a roll of her eyes, her hands waving around as she speaks. I watch her bewildered when it hits me. Sheâs jealous. Paige Bueckers is jealous.
âYouâre jealous?â slips from my mouth with a confused scoff, making Paige freeze. She looks at me for a moment, debating, then shaking her head.
âNo. I just- I donâ wanna talk about it, I donât wanna fight,â she sighs, rubbing the bridge of her nose with her fingers. Thereâs a hint of defeat in her voice which makes me waver. My annoyance and confusion slip away as I watch the way her blue eyes soften.Â
âLetâs not fight Val, please.â
âOkay,â I hum and let her pull me into a hug. As her nose buries into my hair, for a second I think sheâs smelling it, inhaling carefully - but I must be mistaken. She had never done that before.
âP I gotta go,â I murmur against her chest, not wanting to but knowing Jay was growing more and more suspicious as time passed. Frankly, we still werenât exclusive so none of this was technically cheating. Still, I hadnât told her. I had convinced myself that eventually I would. I just donât know when.
âIâll walk you,â she whispers, making me chuckle.
âYeah that wouldnât be sus at all huh?â
Paige grins, looking down at me. âJust tell her weâre fucking around.â
With a furrow of my brows I shake my head. âNah.â
âWhy?â
âBecause.â
Paige is smirking smugly now, staring into me. âOh because then youâd have to tell her how I fuck you better than she do?â
I blush and roll my eyes. I wasnât about to admit she was right.
Pushing her off me, I grab my bag from the floor and give her one last glance. She reaches her hand to my jaw and holds it, pressing a tender kiss to my lips making my heart flutter for a second.
âText me when youâre there ma,â she murmurs against my lips before letting go and opening her door for me.
âI will.â
Waving bye to Jana and Allie too who Iâd become friendly with this last week, I walk out of the dorm into the chilly evening, February still forcing me to wear my white puffer jacket. I wrap it around me tightly as I hurry towards Jayâs dorm, trying not to think myself to the grave over Paigeâs behaviour - loving, caring, a different Paige than I knew last fall. I almost wish she was the same as she used to be, the careless player who didnât let me sleep over or get to know her roommates. Because now I had what I had always wanted from her. Except it wasnât a dream come true. It was terrifying. My heart wanted to give in, to let myself feel. But I was horrified of what she could do again, how she might hurt me this time.
Iâm still in my thoughts when I reach Jayâs door, knocking on it urgently. Before I can even lower my hand, she opens the door, a frown on her face.
âYouâre late.â she says, letting me in nevertheless. The room is lit with candles, homemade dinner gone cold on the plates and a bouquet of flowers in a vase - my heart sinks. Not because I missed out on what Jay had planned, but because I didnât want this. Not from her. I felt like a piece of shit for thinking that this was way too much. But itâs true.Â
âFuck Jay, Iâm so sorry. I got caught up at Tedâs. I didnât know a Tuesday night would be this busy,â I chuckle trying to lighten the mood, seeing a teddy bear with a big red bowtie sitting on the couch, giving me the creeps.
âWhatever Val,â she sighs, clearing the plates away. I watch, not sure what to say.
âYour roommates, where-â
Jay turns to me, tears in her eyes. âI paid them both to be out tonight, to make tonight special. But you didnât even come.â
âIâm here now!â I say, walking over and grabbing her hands. I never knew what to do when someone cried, I wasnât the consoling type, I was the advice type. My friends didnât come to me to be comforted, they came to me to know what to do next. I always had a plan. But this was way out of my comfort zone. I hated when girls cried because of me.
âLook, Iâm sorry, it was so busy. I didnât even realise I was late,â I lie, looking straight into her blue eyes. Itâs hard, I donât like it, but the words slip from my lips more easily than I thought.Â
Jay pouts and nods, wiping the tears from her eyes. âItâs not your fault just⊠next time call.â Her voice is weak. I really felt like an asshole. I had to end it with Paige, I knew I did. I just simply couldnât. My heart didnât let me for some reason.
âOkay, Iâm sorry Jay. Câmere.â I pull her into a kiss, but it feels wrong, icky almost. She kisses me back though, her hands wrapping around my waist. I catch a whiff of Paigeâs cologne on my sweater.
âLetâs order pizza, okay?â I ask against her lips, not wanting to open my eyes and face reality, the tugging of my heartstrings. I felt like I was being ripped apart, stuck between crossroads. I could feel myself falling for Paige. I knew it by the way my heart ached when we said goodbye, the way my eyes were constantly looking for her in a crowd. I was falling for her, yes. But the moment I admitted that the fear would come roaring in, like a tide, ready to bury everything underneath it. She had so many tools to hurt me, so many that she was unaware of. God if she knew how I felt Iâm sure Iâd never heard from her again. It would ruin everything. Being with Jay was good, secure, the right thing to do. Even if I didnât feel half as much for her, my heart didnât flutter for her - at least she couldnât break it either.
-
Be you. Be great.
I watch the text from my dad flash on my screen, sitting in front of my cubby, legs bouncing nervously. I already knew weâd win today - we werenât playing anyone special. An attitude Geno would surely smack the back of my head for, but itâs simply true. It wasnât the upcoming game making my finger tap nervously against the back of my phone, it was the text I had typed out, my finger hovering over the send button, making my stomach flutter.
Miss u Val
âYo warmups!â KK snaps me out of my trance, my finger accidentally pressing down on the send button. Shit. Now Valerie was gonna know I miss her.Â
Sure it had only been a couple days since she was last in my arms, but being away from her made my heart ache. Usually the more I saw a girl the less I wanted to see her. Valerie, however, seemed to have the opposite effect. I couldnât get enough. Guess it had something to do with the âfeelingsâ I had for her.
âShit you scared me,â I chuckle, my cheeks turning red as I hide the screen which KK does not miss. She grins at me, elbowing my shoulder teasingly.
âYou texting Valerie?â
âYooo,â I roll my eyes but donât deny it, a sly smile forming on my face. Raising my brows and scratching the back of my head I look at the shorter girl standing in front of me. âSheâs cominâ to watch tonight.â
âOh forreal?â
âWith Justine,â I scoff, standing up to join KK in heading in for the warmups, my jersey on, hidden underneath the warmup clothes. She snorts and shakes her head.
âCrazy work to name a child that,â She laughs.
Nodding, I snort a little. âThatâs what Iâm sayinâ like.â I might joke, but Justine was the one getting to bring Valerie to a game. Not me. I would take a stupid name like that too if it meant I got to do that.
âYou jealous?â KK asks, noticing the way my teeth grind together. I quickly shake my head, not very convincingly, but flexing a little to make up for it. âNah, Iâm the ultimate rizzler remember? Nothinâ to worry âbout.â
Truthfully? I was a little worried. Taking a deep breath I try to push that feeling away as we enter the court, the seats slowly filling as the crowd makes their way in.
âBro just tell her how you feel,â KK murmurs as we both stretch, watching some of the girls running around the court.
Her words make me scoff, how naive. âItâs not that simple,â my voice is stern. No one seemed to understand the pressure I was under, not even my best friend. To even suggest something like that felt insane. I couldnât tell Valerie. Not with a natty on the line, not with all this pressure.Â
Besides, what then? She feels the same and we date? Iâd make a shit girlfriend, I know it. I was too selfish, an asshole. I wasnât girlfriend material. Not for anyone as special, as precious as my Valerie. All she did was complicate things. Even now, my head was spinning with the thought of her. As if I donât have to be at my best, have my head in the game in like an hour. God, I need to get a grip. Maybe I deserved to lose today. I was unfocused, a disappointment.
âGirl youâre an idiot,â KK sighs as we jog up and down the court. My eyes are immediately looking over the student section when her golden brown hair glimmers in the light like a beacon just for me to find her. Sheâs sitting in the third row, legs crossed in a mini denim skirt, much too short for the weather outside. An oversized black sweater reveals her left shoulder and collarbone, the mark I had left visible to everyone. Bold. I suppose Jay must have thought it was her doing. Boy if she knew. Part of me wanted everyone to know sheâs mine. Only she wasnât.
Itâs not just Valerieâs hair, but the gold dangling on her wrist as she brushes her hair back, the rings decorating her fingers and the earrings contrasting against her dark locks that make the whole place shimmer, all because of her. I simply canât look away. My twisted fantasies of having some sort of ownership over the brunette is quickly interrupted when Justineâs hand wraps around her shoulders and I notice the blonde girl, kissing Valerieâs cheek. My Valerieâs. I nearly trip over my feet, making KK laugh out loud - her laughter echoing around the court, taunting me.
-
âGuys what the hell is wrong with you, we should be up by 20 at this point against a school like this? That was the worst offense Iâve seen in my who-â
Genoâs scolding is ear-piercing as I sit in the dressing room next to the other girls, my elbows leaving red marks on my thighs as I lean against them and wipe the sweat dripping down my neck. My chest heaves as Geno takes turns chewing off each of us, dreading for my own turn.
We were only leading by four pathetic points, and had to struggle even for that. It was all my fault, I already knew. I didnât need Geno or anyone to tell me that. I was unfocused, making bad decisions, causing turnovers - I even missed a free throw for the sole reason that just moments before I had seen Jayâs lips pressing into Valerieâs. God, just the thought was making me feel sick.
âPaige,â Genoâs stern voice snaps me out of it, my eyes lifting to meet his. But all he does is shake his head, and itâs even worse than him yelling at me. I wanted him to cuss me out, anything else. âYou know,â he simply says and I nod. I did know.
At least now I had the confirmation of everything I had suspected all along. A girl was nothing but a disturbance, a hitch in my plans. I canât believe I had let myself do this, get distracted because of some girl. A classic fool. And I was about to make a fool out of my whole team too.
Once Geno leaves and gives us some time before the third quarter, I check my phone, my repentant thoughts quickly subsiding when I see the texts.
i miss you too p
fuck you look hot in that jersey
okay biceps you looking swole? when have you had time to hit the gym that much
wish i could come spend the night
My heart flutters, all of it is flattering sure. But itâs the first and last message that get me to take deep breaths. She misses me. She wants to spend the night with me. The weight on my chest eases up.
U should come over after
i canât
promised jay
Fuck JustineÂ
Just come up w sumn
you really miss me that bad?
So fucking bad baby
Going to tedâs after the game
ok iâll figure something out
Something about the texting and the adrenaline from the game made me bolder, more honest.
Valerie?
yeah?
U look gorgous
Gorjes
gorgeous?
Shut up itâs hard to spell :(
student athlete who
Gotta go warm up
paige?
Yeah?
go kill em
-
Itâs hard to miss the moment the Huskies walk in, all in a big group in their navy blue Uconn trackies laughing and hyping up the blonde in the middle, whose face is scrunched up as she tells them to chill. I knew Paige well enough that she didnât mean any of that, she loved the limelight.
All of the second half of the game Paige had been glowing on the court, completely unguardable, the star I always knew she was. With her help the Huskies had won with a 20 point lead despite the rough first half. I couldâve watched her forever. Every shot, every pass, every block had me on my toes, and I swear I was always the first one to jump to my feet to cheer for her. I forgot about the crowd, even Jay next to me. On the court it might as well just have been Paige Bueckers, I wouldnât have noticed the difference.
âBabe, tell Alex Iâm right!â Jay interrupts my thoughts, forcing my eyes to snap from Paige to her sitting around a table with some of her friends, a red partyhat on her head for the birthday celebration.
I blink stupidly, having missed the whole conversation.
âShots for everyone!!â I hear Paige yell behind me, forcing a crooked smile to grow on my face.
âUh sorry I couldnât hear you,â I admit, glancing over my shoulder hoping the tall blonde would notice me eyeing her. She was too busy leaning over the bar, clearly eager for the drinks.
Jay giggles and presses a wet kiss on my forehead. âYouâre so cute,â she murmurs. I nearly vomit.Â
Suddenly claustrophobic from her closeness, I brush Jayâs hand away. âI need another drink.â
âBut you still have some-â
I quickly down the rest of my vodka soda, before standing up and taking quick steps in my boots towards the group of really, really tall girls surrounding Paige, flutters in my stomach growing with each step.
âValerie!â KK is the first to notice me and wrap an arm around me. The sound of my name makes Paigeâs head snap towards my direction, the smile on her face only growing wider when she sees me. Without thinking and before I can stop her, Paige is wrapping her hands around my waist and spinning me in the air, giggling, her head on my shoulder.
âOh my God put me down!â My command is not cogent, the chuckles making me less convincing. Paige obeys anyway and lets me go, both of us glancing towards the table where Jay is sitting, still immersed in conversation with her friends. Feeling bold, Paigeâs hand rapidly slides down my back to my ass, groping it harshly before letting go. The fact that Jay could see only makes me want her to do it again. Maybe I should see a therapist.
âVal I know youâre not working but can you make the Shirleys pleaaaase,â the blonde in front of me begs, her pleading blue eyes almost getting to me. âTheyâre fire.â
âNo! Iâm a free woman tonight!â I proclaim, leaning my elbows against the bar. Paige does the same, her side pressing into mine sending jolts all over me.Â
âFine, whatchu drinkinâ ma?â she asks. âVodka soda?â
âWith crush-â
âCrushed lime, I know.â
Paige orders the drink, paying for it without making it a big deal in any way. I always found her smoothness so incredibly sexy. Right now as she stood there, elbows on the bar, chewing on her bottom lip, shower fresh and beaming from the win, I swear I had never felt so attracted to her. It wasnât just pure lust, but something else too. Something more.
âThat third quarter,â I start, the praise immediately causing a smirk to grow on the blondeâs face.
âYeah? You watched me?â she asks, already knowing the answer.
I smile too, looking down to my feet. âYou were born to do that.â
When our eyes meet again thereâs a hint of something vulnerable and genuine in Paigeâs expression. All the other noise seems to quiet down, leaving us in our own bubble, just us two. It bursts quickly when I feel a hand wrap around my waist. I know who it is before I even look, evident by the pure annoyance on Paigeâs face.
âHey babe are you fangirling over here?â She jokes, kissing my cheek. I pull away a little but Jayâs a few too many drinks in to notice.
Paige quickly smiles and shakes her head, sipping her drink. âNah, I was. She makes the best dirty Shirley around, trust.â
I stare into her blue eyes, secretly enjoying this little game we were playing. Tiptoeing the line between strangers and something more.
âYeah she insisted on getting me a drink for all the times sheâs been yelling into my ear to play Drake,â I tease back, my mind immediately going to the many nights Paige had made her way behind the bar, one time even getting on her knees on the disgusting, sticky floor and begging me to let her play a few songs. From the smirk on her face, I know Paige is thinking the same.
Jayâs eyebrows shoot up watching us, clearly surprised. âHm. No one told me you two know each other that well.â
âI mean we donât, I just know she works here,â Paige quickly corrects, her brows furrowing as she points to me. âYour nameâs uh⊠Vivien?â
âValerie.â
Paige and me both smirk a little, Jay missing it completely.Â
âRiiight sorry,â Paige grins, sipping her drink and turning to the blonde next to me. âSick hat.â Sheâs being sarcastic.
âThanks man, itâs my birthday,â Jay answers, a little flustered at the attention she was getting from the girl in front of us.
âDamn, happy birthday,â Paige says politely, patting Jayâs shoulder in a manner only I knew was condescending.Â
Excusing herself, Paige leaves me and the blonde girl by the bar, every cell in my body screaming to follow her.
âPaige Bueckers just wished me happy birthday,â Jay says in awe.
-
The girl whose waist Iâm holding, kissing my neck might as well not exist - I barely notice her. My stare is locked on Valerie and Justine, giggling and dancing in the corner of the packed bar. They look happy.Â
A pang of guilt washes over me momentarily. Hereâs Justine who, yeah sure is short, but really seems to like Valerie, takes good care of her. And maybe Valerie would learn to be happy with her if I just let her. The nauseating images of them adopting a dog together, getting married, raising children and growing old with each other flash through my mind. Itâs enough to cause a tremble in my lower lip, my eyes welling up. The ache in my chest was trying to tell me something I wasnât ready to admit.
âCan we go back to yours?â Clara hums, her teeth nibbling on my earlobe when a single tear rolls down my right cheek. I quickly wipe it off, my eyes finally turning to the girl next to me. To my relief sheâs too busy trying to turn me on to notice my red eyes.
âNot now Clara,â I murmur, my voice barely audible over the music and chatter.
The girlâs face scrunches up in annoyance as I push her off me, gently but with a firm hand.
âWhatâs your problem? Youâve been like this all night, itâs like Iâm not even here.â
âNot now.â I rub the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes and trying to take calming breaths.
âIf you donât want me he-â
âI donât want you here Clara, I didnât even ask you to come.â
Thereâs a moment of heavy silence between us, the girl next to me staring at me with wide eyes, hurt written all over her face. I wasnât strong enough to fight how I felt anymore. It was time to face my feelings, even if it scared me.
âThis is over, okay?â I admit, my gaze meeting Claraâs. She blinks at me slowly, processing. I feel like I should say something, explain myself. But nothing I could say would make it better so I stay quiet.
In silence, I watch Clara hop down from the bar stool and look at me one more time.
âMy friends were right about you.â
With that she leaves Tedâs and relief washes over me. I grab my phone, and type out a text.
Iâm sorry but I canât see u anymore, just got too much going on
I copy and paste it, sending the words to each girl on my roster, not bothering to wait for any responses before deleting their numbers. Zoe, Jenny, Sofia, all gone. It was almost exhilarating, the way my body worked before my brain could catch up. Glancing to the opposite corner of the bar I finally catch Valerieâs eye. I nod my head towards the bathrooms before heading in myself. Sheâs quick to follow, leaving Justine behind. It was time to be brave, the kind of person who deserved Valerie.
The bathrooms are tiny, both of us making the space more cramped when I let Valerie in, locking the door behind us. Before she can say anything, her big brown eyes blinking at me, Iâm kissing her. Not with any other agenda except aching to feel her lips on mine. My left hand cups her face, right hand holding her body close to me by her waist. Hungry for more, my tongue slips between her lips.
âPaigeâŠâ Valerieâs voice is soft against my lips, her breathing heavy as her hands hold my hips.Â
âShh,â I hum, my hands gently brushing through her hair as my kisses turn from hungry to loving, our lips slowing down in their dance. After a while we both pull away breathless, our foreheads resting against one another. Before my brain catches up, the words spill from my mouth.
âLeave her.â
Valerieâs brown eyes widen as she leans her head back to look at me.
âI- huh?âÂ
I swallow, thinking about doubling down for an instant. No. This needs to be it. Be brave Paige.
âJustine. Leave her.â Thereâs a hint of anxiety in my trembling voice, but the way I stare at the brunette girl in front of me lets her know Iâm serious. Her expression is hard to read, the cramped space muffling the sounds of the world outside. In this moment itâs just us. Frankly, I had no idea what I was doing. I might really screw us up now. Lose her forever. But I didnât have any fight left in me. It was bound to happen.
âWhy?â she asks, her dark brows furrowing a little.
I scoff lightly, taking her hands in mine.
âWhy? You know why.â
From the way Valerie blinks at me confirms that she did know - this wasnât just sleeping around anymore, this had gone beyond. We both knew.
My thumbs smooth over the soft skin of her petite hands, the red polish decorating her nails, the chunky gold rings cool against my fingertips. I was trying to be patient, giving her time to process. But the pounding in my chest was making me lightheaded, the anxiety making my cheeks turn red. I felt vulnerable, exposed, terrified. Yet, I donât speak or hurry her.
âNo, stop it.â
Before I realise whatâs happening, Valerie pulls her hands away from me, her eyes full of suspicion. My stomach stirs as she reaches for the door but I stop her.
âNo, wait, please Val,â I plead, hand on the door handle.
âI canât do this again,â Valerie cries out, her eyes filling with tears. I reach to wipe them away but she moves back from me. It breaks my heart.
âNo ma, âs not like that this time. I left Clara, I left all of âem. Fuck all of âem ok? I donât want âem!â My voice is desperate, chasing the brunetteâs brown eyes as she avoids my gaze.Â
âI need some air,â she murmurs, unlocking the door. However she doesnât get far before bumping into Justineâs chest, standing right outside the bathroom eyeing both of us.
All three of us go silent as the blonde girl stares dumbfounded.Â
âWhat the fuck is going on?â She slurs, alcohol evident in her voice.
âJay I-â Valerie starts but Justine is quick to flip around and take hurried steps towards the exit. I follow the brunette out of Tedâs, the parking lot quiet on a rainy night.
âJay, please wait! Let me explain!â Valerie pleads, grabbing Justineâs hand but she pushes her away, forcing the brunette to stumble back a little. My fingers flex with anger as I step between the two girls.
âWhoa, yo nuh uh,â I say sternly, shaking my head at Justine whoâs looking at me like she might actually jump me. I wasnât worried, I could take her. âDonât touch her.â
The blonde scoffs, rolling her eyes. âYou canât tell me not to touch my girl!â
Her girl? I feel anger rising from my gut, heat ascending to my neck and cheeks. I step into her space, looking down at her as I do.Â
âDonât you get it?â I chuckle, an arrogant smirk on my face, basking in the way she had to tilt her head up to look at me. âValâs not your girl.â
âPaige-â Valerieâs voice is careful behind me, her hand gently reaching for my forearm.
âYou wanna know why she been too tired to come over? Because sheâs been in my bed, getting fucked like she deserv-â
âPAIGE!â
Valerie pulls me back by my arm, her eyes wide and furious as she looks up at me. The adrenaline was making me bold, I wanted the world to know sheâs mine. No one elseâs. My Valerie.
âFuck you both.â Justine slurs, heading back inside the bar, clearly not the fighting type. Deep deep down I wish she had jumped me just so I had the excuse to punch her at least once for calling Valerie her girl.
The brunette lets go of me and scoffs, shaking her head as she starts walking away from me. Suddenly coming to my senses, I follow behind her apologetically.
âMa, wait.â
âPaige what are you doing?â She cries out, a desperate frustration evident in the way she speaks as she turns to look at me.
I step into her space, hands itching to touch her. Better not. Not right now. Biting my lower lip I sigh and shake my head.
âSorry it just pissed me off hearing her-â
Sheâs not listening but profusely shaking her head, eyes squeezing shut.
âI donât understand you, I donât get what you want from me!â She bursts out. My hands come to hold her shoulders, taking it as a good sign when she lets me.
âI want you Val,â I finally admit. Not just to her but to myself.
âBut what does that even mean?!â Sheâs clearly frustrated, tired of the confusing cat and mouse game weâd been playing since we met. I was tired too.
âLook ma, Iâm done with all the other girls, and youâre done with Justine. I dunno what that means but-â
âBut what? We date? Become girlfriends? Then what?â She spews. I rub my forehead and eyes with my hand, feeling my head spinning. Maybe I hadnât thought this through.
âMaybe-â
âUntil you find the next girl you wanna fuck? Or freak out again?â
âNo Val not this time-â
âHow do you know?â She asks, a hint of desperation in her voice, looking for any sign that this was a risk worth taking.
âI uh,â I mumble, my skin turning hot, bringing my hands behind my head, rubbing my hair, trying to soothe myself.
âHow do you know, Paige?!â Valerie screams, her big brown eyes pleading with me for a reason. Before my brain could catch up my mouthâs already forming the words. The words I had not had the time to admit to myself yet - that feeling that had been gnawing at me for weeks now. The twist in my gut, the dizziness in my head. I finally understood.
âBecause I love you Valerie!â
-
taglist: Â @thaatdigitaldiary @wbbismypassion69 @bueckersfive @onlyhereforpazzi @lovegalor333 @frankoceanlvr303039 @angryflowerwitch@mamixdanni @rosemariiaa @d3arapril @vbueckers @sageworld @makethemhoesmad @sierrale8ne @justliketoreadsowhat@oreo2sblog @sftlyortega @slvt4her @julieloveswbb@vsz333 @faeries-posts @vamptizm @ellapurnellmybeloved @ivorygoal @onlyhereforpazzi @thelightknight21@paigeluvvr@absolutelydreadful@imamartini@lupinqs@authentic-girl03@isurpussygreen@xxloveralways14 (SORRY IF I FORGOT TO TAG)
#too lost in you#lilas writing#paige bueckers#paige bueckers fic#paige bueckers fanfiction#paige bueckers x oc#paige bueckers x female oc#paige bueckers smut#wnba x oc
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Closed Position: Week 6 (Argentine Tango)
Closed Position Masterlist ||| Main Masterlist Dieter Bravo x OFC (Katarina)
Series Summary: Dieter Bravo, now sober, was looking to change his bad boy image after hitting rock bottom. His team hoped that having him join the nationally televised family friendly dance competition, Dancing with the Stars, would be a good first step, if they can keep him out of trouble.
Katarina Stamos expected her last season as a professional dancer on the show to go the same as it had for the past thirteen seasons. That all changed when she was partnered with the infamous Dieter Bravo.
Dieter and Katarina are reluctantly thrown into their partnership and must learn to work together to succeed in the competition. In the process they form a deeper connection beyond the dance floor that neither anticipated.
Chapter Word Count: 27.3k (I know, I'm sorry!)
đ Warnings: Themes dealing with intimate partner violence (not by or toward Dieter), past alcohol abuse, and past drug abuse. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn. Read at your own risk. Dieter Bravo comes with his own warnings.
đ Chapter Warnings: Dieter and Kat both being a menace, improper use of a dressing room, smut, fluff, and physical assault (Alec is a dick)
Chapter Quote: âCanât have you gettinâ confused and grabbing the wrong erection.â
Dieterâs POV
I was still riding high from our perfect score as I sat in the chair staring at my reflection in the vanity mirror. I shouldnât have been shocked given how perfectly in sync Kat and I were during the performance, but I was. I never thought I would find myself in this position - happily sober, having the high score on a dance competition TV show, and completely in love with my dance partner. The thought of it was blowing my mind. There was only one explanation for it, to put it simply, it was Kat. Her unyielding faith was all it took to help me see myself in a different light. She made me realize that Iâm stronger than I give myself credit for and Iâm actually not a shitty person. She gave me the courage to be a better version of myself and have the things I didnât think I was worthy of.Â
My attention was drawn from my thoughts by the buzzing of my phone. I had a new text from Evan and another from my agent, Lenny. I tapped to open Evanâs.
Evan: Dude, if you two are trying to keep things on the down low, you suck at it. That performance was đ„đ„đ„.
Me: That obvious? Fuck.Â
Evan: Yeah, better be prepared for the inevitable speculation to ramp up.
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose as a soft knock sounded at my door. I assumed it was Kat as I called out, âDoorâs open.â
A petite brunette tentatively stuck her head through the crack as she opened the door. I recognized her as Marcâs partner. Shit. Whatâs her name? Sheâs the TikTok girl. Sarah? NoâŠStefanie!
âHey, Stefanie. Whatâs up?â I asked, a little confused by her presence.
She pushed the door open further to step inside. She was wringing her hands together as Marc followed her through the threshold. She seemed tense and unsure.Â
âIâm sorry to bother you, Dieter. It may be nothingâŠbut I just saw Alec coming up behind Kat in her dressing room as she shut the door. It lookedâŠodd. I donât think she knew he was in there. I know theyâreâŠâ
Blood was suddenly pounding in my ears. I didnât hear the rest of her sentence as I stood from my seat and asked, âDid you see him come out or hear anything?â
She shook her head, âNo, but it gave me a weird vibe. With everything going on, we felt like someone should know.âÂ
I nodded, already moving toward the door. âShe doesnât wanna be alone with him. Thank you for telling me.âÂ
Without giving it a second thought I was jogging down the hall toward Katâs dressing room, vaguely aware that Marc and Stefanie were following behind me. I felt sick. Something doesnât feel right about this.Â
I began knocking and calling out to her as soon as I reached the door, âKat, it's me. Can I come in?â
I got nothing but silence in return. Marc turned to one of the other couples who were standing just outside a dressing room across the hallway. âDid you see Kat or Alec come out?â he asked. With wide-eyes, they shook their heads no.Â
I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. If they were only talking, she would still answer me. Right?
I knocked harder, âKat, Iâm coming in.âÂ
I reached for the knob and twisted, but it was locked. âFuck!â
My chest was heaving as I looked around with panicked eyes. I could faintly hear Marc saying something about keys before the couple that had been standing nearby took off down the hallway. My attention was drawn back to the door, convinced I heard a light thump against it. I glanced at Marc, and he nodded. He heard it too. Before I even realized what I was doing, my shoulder began knocking against the hard metal as I continued to yell for Kat to unlock it. The door did not budge. Realizing that it was pointless to continue, I stepped back, allowing my eyes to scan the area for anyone who could possibly help. There was no one else around.Â
I could feel the panic setting in, worried that Alec might be doing something to hurt her. Given the way he looked at us as he left the staging area toward the end of the show, I couldnât help thinking the worst.Â
The sound of the knob jiggling brought my attention back to the door. I reached out, twisting to find that it was now unlocked. As I pushed it open, I was briefly met by Alecâs surprised face before my focus shifted to Kat, clawing at his hands clasped tightly around her neck. Her eyes were wide in panic as she gasped for air. I reacted on instinct, determined to keep her safe as I threw myself at him. I had never in my life wanted to cause anyone bodily harm, but at that moment I was out for blood.Â
Katâs POV
I could feel the fight in me fading as Alecâs hands tightened around my throat. I was near blacking out when I heard Dieter knocking at the door. Hearing his voice and knowing that he was trying to get to me ignited a new burst of adrenaline. I tried to call out to him but couldnât get any sound to come out. Alec seemed unfazed by the fact that someone was at the door. His focus was on my face, stoic and unblinking. I tried kneeing him in the groin, but once he realized what I was doing, he somehow maneuvered himself between my thighs so that I couldnât.Â
I was so afraid Dieter would leave, thinking I wasnât in here. So, I changed tactics, kicking at the door with my heel while trying to relieve some of the pressure around my neck with my hands. I could feel myself fading again as Alec regained his tight grip. I could hear Dieter trying to open the door. I was torn between not wanting him to find me like this and praying he got the door open. I knew he would lose it on Alec if he saw this.Â
I somehow found the strength to twist in Alecâs grip, which allowed me to forcefully connect an elbow with the side of his face. The shock of it caused him to release his hold just enough that I was able to reach the door handle to my left and unlock it. Alec didnât realize what I had done until he was face-to-face with a very angry Dieter Bravo.Â
Dieter had Alec on the floor in the blink of an eye, shoving him off of me then giving a quick jab to the throat before pinning Alec down as he gasped for air. Marc and his partner followed Dieter into the room. They immediately came to my aid as I rubbed at the stinging and throbbing around my neck, fighting back tears as I inhaled deeply to catch my breath.Â
I pushed them away, moving toward Dieter. I attempted to plead for him to stop, but I couldnât get any sound out. My throat felt raw through my feeble attempts. I pushed Marc toward them, begging him to do something. I couldnât let Dieter get in trouble over this asshole.Â
It all happened so fast as Dieter got a few solid punches in before wrapping his hands around Alecâs throat as he cursed the man underneath him. I never would have imagined Dieter was capable of such a reaction, but it made me realize the lengths he would go to in order to protect those he cares about. The crazed look in his eyes probably should have scared me, but it didnât. All I could think of doing was protecting him.Â
Even though Dieter was a lot bigger than Marc, Marc somehow managed to pull him off Alec before he took it too far. Alec scrambled to his feet, fear briefly flashing on his face before he collected himself and gave us both a sneer as he wiped at his bloody lips. âSee, I knew you were lying to me,â he said with an accusatory tone.Â
Dieter opened his mouth to speak as Marc continued to hold him back. I stepped forward, placing my hand on his shoulder, silencing him and causing his attention to focus on me.Â
I met Alecâs glare, âI told you there was nothing going on between us. Why canât you just accept the fact that youâre the one who fucked up?âÂ
Alec smirked, âWas? There was nothingâŠbut there is now? Right?âÂ
When I didnât answer, he nodded then scoffed out a laugh. âYou may not have acted on it, but you were attracted to him. You were thinking about it. You were all too happy to get rid of me the first chance you got.âÂ
I could feel the anger flaring in my chest, feeling defiant against his accusations. âThe moment that I walked in on you fucking Lana was the moment you lost the right to know anything about me. Itâs none of your damn business. I told you I didnât do anything, and I know I didnât do anything wrong. Thatâs all that matters to me. You can spout off whatever bullshit about us that you want, I donât care anymore. Everyone knows youâre the one who cheated anyway. You can thank the paparazzi for that.âÂ
I could see in Alecâs eyes the exact moment he realized he didnât have control over me anymore. This whole encounter had been a serious wakeup call and blow to his ego. He was scared of Dieter and now he was scared of me. I knew the real him and I was no longer afraid to expose him for what he was - an abusive narcissist. The perfect public image that he had worked so hard to cultivate and maintain was crumbling around him, and he was the cause of it.Â
Alec turned to leave, but Dieterâs voice stopped him. âIf you ever lay another hand on her, I will fucking end you. You hear me?âÂ
Alec smirked as he turned to face Dieter, putting on that cocky persona that he used as a defense mechanism, âAre you threatening me, Bravo?âÂ
Dieter let out a menacing chuckle, âNo, itâs a promise. Iâm not fucking around with you anymore.âÂ
Alecâs smile faltered. He had been expecting Dieter to backtrack on that statement. He nodded, pursing his lips, âIâll keep that in mind.â He wiped at his bloody face as he turned to leave.Â
Once Alec was out of sight, Marc finally released Dieter. Dieterâs hands immediately reached toward me to survey the damage. I winced as his fingertips gently grazed my neck, âKat, you need to call the police and report this.â
I pulled his hand away, shaking my head gingerly. âNo. If I do that, itâll be all over the gossip sites and news tomorrow morning. That stuff is public record. I canât handle that right now.âÂ
Dieter huffed in exasperation, âWhat if he does this again? This is the second time Iâve witnessed it, and this time was way worse.âÂ
Marc stepped forward, âI agree with Dieter. Iâll be happy to give a statementâŠAlec was out of line.âÂ
I shook my head again, âNo. Dieter, IâŠâ I paused, not knowing what to say. I knew he wasnât going to be concerned about himself. âDieter, I donât want you to get into trouble. He may retaliate by pressing charges against you or somethingâŠitâll turn into a whole thing. Iâm not gonna let him ruin your reputation when youâve been working so hard to fix it.âÂ
I could tell Dieter was getting frustrated as he ran his hands down his face, âI donât care about that. I was protecting you⊠this is on him.â
I sighed, âI know you were, and Iâm thankful you came to meâŠbut that wonât matter. The headlines will be that you assaulted someone. Thatâs all people will see.âÂ
I grabbed his hands as I peered up at him, âHeâs not gonna do it again. You scared the hell out of him tonight. I could see it. Also, there are two witnesses besides us. Heâs fucked and he knows it. Letâs justâŠdeal with it my way? Ok? Please.âÂ
For the first time, my attention shifted to Stefanie as she moved to close the door.
âSorry, thereâs a bit of a crowd forming out there. Everyone must finally be making their way down here from the ballroom.âÂ
Now that I had a moment to think, I didnât know why Marc and Stefanie were here.
âDieter, how did you know he was in here?â I asked.
Stefanie meekly raised her hand, âI told him. I saw Alec as you were closing the door. He seemedâŠoff. Marc felt like we needed to get Dieter, so we did.âÂ
âWhy did you feel like you needed to get Dieter?â I asked Marc.
He shrugged, thinking through his next words before he spoke. âYou two seemâŠclose. I figured he would know if it was something to be worried about or not.âÂ
Close? Fuck. Were we really that obvious? I puffed air out of my cheeks before walking over to Stefanie and pulling her into a hug, âThank you for noticing something wasnât right. I donât know how that would have gone otherwise.âÂ
I turned to Marc, thanking him as well before asking. âIf you guys donât mind, please keep the details of this between us for now?âÂ
They both nodded. âOut of everyone on the cast, weâre probably the only ones you can trust. We wonât say anything.â Marc replied.
âWhat if Stacia and Joe ask us about it?â Stefanie questioned.Â
I sighed, âIf they do, tell them what you sawâŠand Iâll handle the rest.â
I glanced over at Dieter as he sank down into a chair, placing his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. I could tell he wasnât handling this well. I looked back to Stefanie and Marc, âWould you guys mind giving us some privacy?â
They both looked in Dieterâs direction with a sympathetic expression before nodding and moving to exit. Before I closed the door behind them, Marc turned to me. âKatâŠlet us know if you guys need anything, yeah? Doesnât matter what it is.â
I nodded, âI will, thank you.âÂ
After closing and locking the door, I moved to stand in front of Dieter. I had to nearly pry his hands from his face, but even then he still wouldn't look at me. I crowded his space, forcing him to lean back in the seat as I hiked my dress up to straddle him. He was still avoiding my eyes as I reached for him, cupping his cheeks to angle his head upward so I could look at him. His eyes were pooling with tears as his jaw flexed under my hands. He looked broken. It was almost enough to shatter the facade I was trying so hard to maintain for his sake.Â
âTalk to me. Whatâs wrong?â I finally asked.Â
He shook his head, pulling my hands from his cheeks.Â
âDieter, donât push me out. Please.âÂ
He took a deep breath, looking anywhere but at me. âIâŠjustâŠI thought something bad happened. I was scared that you were hurtâŠand I couldnât get to you. Then IâŠjust sort of lost it when I saw what he was doing to you. Iâm sorry. Iâve neverâŠIâm not like that. I donât want you to think Iâm like that. Iâm not a violent personâŠâÂ
The more he spoke, the more distressed he seemed. My hands found their way back to his cheeks as I tried to sooth him, âHey, itâs ok. I know youâre not like that. You were protecting me. I wouldâve done the same for you.âÂ
That seemed to help him relax some as he leaned into my touch. His arms slid around my waist, pulling me closer, âIâm sorry, just ignore me. I think what happened is starting to hit meâŠare you really OK? Do you need to go to get checked out? I can take you ifâŠâ
My hands slid down to rest on the sides of his neck as my thumbs rubbed against his scruffy jawline, âNo, Iâm fine. I promise. You got to me before he did any real damage.â
He leaned back some for a better view as his hand reached to push the hair away from my neck. His brow furrowed. I could see his eyes flash with anger and pain.Â
âYouâre probably gonna have bruises.â
I shrugged and sighed, âNot the first timeâŠâÂ
His lips set into a tight line before he pulled me in for a firm embrace, nuzzling his scratchy beard against the exposed skin on my chest. I hugged him against me, aching to run my fingers through his hair, but the copious amounts of hair gel made that impossible. I settled for rubbing just below his hairline on the back of his neck instead.Â
He seemed vulnerable, but I didnât really understand why. I needed him to understand that I didnât think he did anything wrong. I leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of his head, âThank youâŠfor looking out for me. Iâm not sure Iâd have the strength to get him out of my life without you.âÂ
He shifted so that he could look up at me with a sad smile, âThank you for letting me.âÂ
A lump formed in my throat as I returned his smile, then leaned down to capture his lips with mine. It was a languid kiss, full of emotion and need, yet somehow not sexual at all. It was comforting and everything we both needed to ground ourselves after the ordeal we had just gone through.Â
We were distracted by a knock on the door. It was one of the assistants from the costume department. âKat, we still need your costume,â she called through the door, clearly unaware of the drama that had just unfolded.Â
I huffed as Dieterâs hands rubbed up and down my sides, âYeah, give me a few minutes.â I called back.Â
My eyes focused on him, âYou better go get changed too. Theyâll be after you next.â
He rolled his eyes, lifting me with him as he stood.Â
âLock the door behind me, please. Iâll be back after Iâm done.âÂ
I nodded and did as he asked, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves as I turned the lock. It was taking everything in me not to fall apart. The urge to burst into tears had been steadily growing since Alec left the room, but I had somehow managed to ward them off. I couldnât fall apart here. I needed to wait until I got home. I wanted nothing more than to go home with Dieter and let him soothe all the bad feelings away, but I knew I needed to spend some time alone to process what happened. I needed time to myself to feel it and work through it. I didnât want Dieter to see me like that. I worried it would be too much for him.Â
I moved around the room, almost on autopilot, changing out of my costume and putting it into the garment bag. Just as I was pulling my shirt over my head, Dieter was back, knocking at the door. I grabbed the garment bag as I went to unlock the door for him, hanging it on the hook just outside for pickup before turning to grab my things so we could leave.Â
âDid you still wanna grab some dinner? Maybe we get something to go?â he asked.Â
I sighed, âI think Iâm actually just gonna go home.âÂ
I could see the panic in his eyes. He thought I didnât want to be around him. I looped my hand around his bicep and gave it a reassuring squeeze as we walked toward the exit to the parking lot. âI feel like doing a cleansing. I actually wanna go home and pack up all Alecâs shit so I can be done with him, for good. Especially after tonight. Itâs something I need to do.âÂ
He nodded, seeming to understand, but he still looked like a wounded puppy.Â
âHow about we do dinner at your place tomorrow after rehearsal?â I asked. We hadnât really gotten to spend any quality time together since coming back from New York. I wanted to, just not tonight.Â
He seemed to perk up a bit and chuckled, âAre you volunteering me to cook for you?â
I shrugged, âI meanâŠI would never turn down one of your homemade meals, but I would settle for takeout if you didnât feel like it. I really just wanna spend some non-dance time with you and see Zee again too, of course.âÂ
That elicited a big smile from him as he held the door open for me. âI wonât argue with that,â he finally said.Â
When we reached my vehicle, he opened the door, standing with it between us.Â
âLemme know when you get home, please?â
I nodded, wanting nothing more than to kiss him, but I knew eyes could be anywhere.Â
âAnd call me if you need anything. I donât care what or whenâŠIâll be there in fifteen minutes.âÂ
I chuckled, âIt would take at least thirty.âÂ
He shook his head and laughed, âNope, fifteen.â
I rolled my eyes as I sat down in the driverâs seat, âIâll see you at the production meeting in the morning. Go get some rest. I expect thereâll be a full interrogation.âÂ
He huffed in annoyance as he reached down to hit the lock button on the door, then smiled, pushing the door shut as he said âGood night, Kit Kat.â The smile didnât reach his eyes.Â
I suddenly felt torn. Maybe we did need to be together tonight. I shook the thought away as I moved to start the car, deciding to continue on with my plan.Â
When I got home, I sent Dieter a quick text to let him know I was locked in. I settled on heating up a can of soup for dinner, given that my throat was not feeling the greatest. I actually found the warmth from it to be somewhat soothing as I took a quick inventory of how much of Alecâs stuff was actually at my place and hoped that the stash of Amazon boxes that I hadnât put out for trash pickup would be enough to pack it all.Â
I worked in anger for hours, going through the house shoving things in boxes without any organization or order, muttering that he should consider himself lucky that I wasnât just throwing it all out on the lawn and burning it like I wanted to. I couldnât understand how it had come to this. I knew he had a darker side, but I never could have imagined that he would take it this far. I was almost certain that if we had been anywhere else that he couldnât have been interrupted, he might not have stopped. The dead-eyed stare as his fingers tightened around my throat scared the hell out of me. His intent was to hurt me. There was no question about it.Â
As I was rummaging around behind the clothes hanging in my closet, I bumped against my guitar case that was hidden behind everything. It fell over with a thud, causing a low thrumming of the strings, which was muted by the case. The sight of the instrument instantly had my stomach in knots. I hadnât taken it out of the case since Alec and I first started dating six years ago. He had only seen me play it twice and that was all it took for me to never play in front of him again. His critical commentary made me feel inadequate under his gaze. It made me self-conscious and took the fun out of something that was once my refuge. Which was sort of ridiculous because Alec didnât know the first thing about playing or music. He always had terrible taste. I really think what it came down to is that it was something that could take attention away from him. That probably should have been my first hint that he was not for me.Â
After taking a few deep breaths, I laid the case flat on the floor and opened it. The vintage Gibson Hummingbird looked exactly as it had last time I laid eyes on it. Untouched by time and dust. I reached out, running my fingertips over the glossy black mahogany edges and classic light wood tone sunburst along the lower bout. The memory of the day my father gave it to me came rushing back. He had found it dirt cheap at a yard sale of all places and was beyond excited to give it to me. The memories of the times we played together seemed so long ago, but they were just as vivid as if it were yesterday. Then there was the memory of playing with Dieter at his house. I realized it had felt the same playing with him, freeing almost.
My fingers trailed up to the hummingbird motif engraved into the pickguard. It was my favorite part because it reminded me of my mom. Hummingbirds were always her favorite and I loved having a little piece of her with me after she died. I reached to pick it up, watching the mother of pearl inlay on the fingerboard reflect in the light as I twisted it to set in my lap. My fingers strummed along the strings and moved along the frets, getting reacquainted with my old friend.Â
Without even realizing, I began to strum out the chords of the song Dieter and I had sung together that night at his house, Scars on this Guitar. It felt fitting as I began to hum along. A calmness washed over me as I played. It was like I had found myself again. It was almost overwhelming as the tears suddenly flooded out of my eyes without warning. They werenât sad tears. It was more from relief than anything.
I was soon distracted by my phone chiming with a text message. After wiping my face, I dug it out of the pocket of my sweatpants to find a text from Dieter.Â
Dieter: Iâm totally going to be a needy bitch and ask if I can call you before I fall asleep? Please. đ„șÂ Â
I chuckled, loving the fact that he didnât take himself seriously and always said whatever he was feeling.Â
Me: Of course you can. And I like it when youâre a needy bitch. đ
I knew what he was doing. He wanted to check on me and I couldnât even be upset about it.Â
Moments later, my phone rang with an incoming FaceTime call. I huffed out a quiet âfuckâ before wiping at my face some more. I hadnât realized this would be a video call. I hoped he couldnât tell that I had been crying. When I answered, I was met with flashes of light and fur. I could hear Dieter muttering, âWhat the fuck, Zee?â I couldnât help laughing as the video shifted around to finally show most of his face. His chin and neck were covered by cat fur. He looked annoyed, âHeey honey, sorry. Zee decided she wanted to jump on my face just as soon as I hit the call button.â
I felt a rush of heat go through me at his words. I know I give him hell over the pet names, but now that I didnât have Alec to worry about, I actually loved hearing him call me those things.Â
I laughed, watching as he held the phone further away so I could see Zee lying sprawled out and wallowing on her back on top of his bare chest. She was rubbing her face against the scruff of his chin. It was the cutest and hottest thing Iâd ever seen.Â
I snickered, âItâs ok Zee, I get it. I like to rub against his face too.âÂ
Dieter snorted as he angled the phone back toward his face, âWell that wasnât how I expected this conversation to start.âÂ
I laughed, holding the phone further away at a lower angle, hoping he couldnât see my red eyes.Â
He suddenly turned a little more serious as he stared into the camera, âI just wanted to check in, make sure you were doing okâŠafter everything today.â
I cleared my throat, âYeahâŠIâm good. Just finished packing up his shitâŠso I feel a lot better now. Iâll text his brother to come get it off the porch tomorrow, so I donât have to deal with him.âÂ
Dieter pursed his lips. I could tell he wanted to say something but was holding back.Â
âWhat is it?â I asked.
He sighed, âAre you sure you donât wanna go to the police?â
I puffed air out of my cheeks, âYeahâŠIâm sure. I really donât think heâs gonna try anything again. Iâm pretty sure heâs terrified of getting his ass kicked now.âÂ
Dieter chuckled, âWho said anything about an ass kicking? Iâll make him disappear if it happens again.â
I smiled, âIâll help you hide the body.âÂ
He laughed loudly, causing Zee to reach up and cover his mouth with her paw. He grabbed it, placing a small kiss on her little toe beans before murmuring a quiet, âSorry, baby girlâ into the fur on the top of her head. I really could have melted over how sweet he was with her.Â
He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment as he looked off in the distance. His eyes eventually turned back to the camera. He seemed nervous.
âI feel like I need to apologize for how I acted. I lost control and let my emotions take over. I really donât want you to think thatâs normal behavior for me, because itâs not. I-I donât do shit like that. Ever.â Â
I could tell this was getting to him. The pain and desperation breaking through in his voice caused my eyes to prickle with tears again. I hated seeing him upset.
âDieter, itâs ok. I know youâre not like himâŠif thatâs what youâre worried about. I know you would never do that to me.âÂ
He appeared to relax some, but still seemed on edge. I suddenly felt selfish. I should have gone home with him tonight. He would never admit it, but it felt like this went deeper than what happened with Alec. I couldnât help wondering if todayâs events were causing something from his past to come to the surface. I wanted to ask, but that didnât seem like a conversation to have over the phone. I suddenly felt the need to reassure him. Â
We were quiet for a beat, but I finally broke the silence, âI canât wait to spend some time with you tomorrow. Iâm sort of kicking myself for not coming over tonight.âÂ
He gave me a soft smile, âThe nightâs not overâŠand my bed is always openâŠthough you may have to fight Zee for a spot.âÂ
I tucked my bottom lip between my teeth, seriously considering his offer. âWhat time is it?âÂ
His head leaned up slightly, I assume to check the time, âA little after ten.â
Huffing out a sigh, I replied, âI better not. Itâs already late and we have to be at the studio early.â
His eyes told me he disappointed, but he still smiled into the camera, âYou want to though.âÂ
I groaned out a whiney âyeeeesâ, shifting to uncross my legs from where I still sat on the floor of my closet and sliding the guitar to the floor causing a slight hum from the strings.Â
Dieter chuckled as a confused look formed on his face, âWhere are you?â
I laughed, âSitting on my closet floorâŠIâŠâ I paused, wondering if I should tell him what I had been doing. His brows arched, waiting for me to continue. âI uhh, came across my guitar while I was looking for all Alecâs junk to pack up. I-I took it out of the case for the first time in yearsâŠâ Â
I looked away from the phone as I felt my eyes prickling again. Fuck. Why is this making me emotional?Â
âIs that why youâve been crying?â Dieter asked.Â
My eyes darted back to the phone, âYou could tell? And you didnât say anything?â
He shrugged, âI know youâre dealing with stuff. I donât expect you to tell me and I donât wanna pry. I know youâll talk when youâre ready.âÂ
I had to appreciate his patience with me. I never would have guessed that would be something he would so willingly give without me asking.Â
I smiled, âYes, thatâs why I was crying. Honestly, playing with you a few weeks ago made me realize how much I missed itâŠand playing just now was such a fucking relief. I sort of feel like I found one of my missing piecesâŠya know what I mean?âÂ
Dieterâs brows furrowed as his lips set into a tight line. He had a strange look in his eyes as he cleared his throat, âYeah, I know exactly what you mean.âÂ
I suddenly had butterflies in my stomach, feeling like his words had a deeper meaning that I couldnât quite figure out.Â
He rubbed at his face, âWell, we should probably get to bed. The sooner we fall asleep, the sooner I can be with you tomorrow.âÂ
I laughed, âYeah. Youâre right. Iâll see you in the morning.âÂ
He gave me a small smile, âNight, Kit Kat.âÂ
We both lingered in silence for a few seconds longer than necessary before disconnecting the call. My feelings for him were growing. There was no denying it. It scared me a little as I reminded myself that it was like this with Alec once. I didnât see his red flags in the beginning. What if I was missing them with Dieter? I had to shake that thought away. It was ridiculous. I was just psyching myself out. Dieter had already proven ten times over that he was a good person and that he cared about me.Â
After pulling myself up out of the floor and giving a full body stretch to loosen up my stiff and aching joints, I got ready for bed and settled into a restless sleep.Â
Dieter and I both arrived at Television City Studios earlier than necessary. He was already in the lobby waiting with coffee when I walked in. He didnât have to say why he was so early because I knew it was the same reason I was there early, I wanted to see him.Â
He stood when I approached, his gaze immediately focusing on my neck as he reached to brush my hair away from it. His questioning eyes shifted to mine as his thumb grazed down the side of my throat.
âIâm ok. Itâs not that bad. I was able to cover it with makeup,â I said in response.Â
He sighed heavily. I could see the anger flashing in his eyes as he pulled away to rub at the back of his neck when an intern walked by. My eyes were drawn to his hand. I could see slight bruising around the knuckles, but it didnât seem too bad. Not as bad as last time anyway.Â
âYou didnât tell me you were hurt,â I said.
He glanced at his knuckles, âItâs nothingâŠnot even sore. Shouldâve hit him harder.âÂ
âKeep that out of sight while weâre meeting with them. If they askâŠas far as theyâre concerned, I hit him. You only pushed him off, got it?â
He huffed, then shook his head, âYou donât have to lie for meâŠâ
I shrugged, âItâs not a lie. I did hit him.â
Dieterâs brows knitted together, âYou did?â
I nodded, âYeah, how do you think I got the door unlocked? I elbowed him in the face.â
He smiled, suddenly looking proud. âI donât condone violence, but Iâm kind of happy you did that. He deserved it.â
We moved to sit in the chairs next to each other, trying our best to keep our hands to ourselves as we waited. It wasnât long before a PA came to get us for the meeting. When we entered the conference room, Stacia and Joe were waiting. They both had a stony expression on their faces and only nodded in greeting. Fuck. They know.Â
After we got situated in our seats, I felt Dieterâs leg rest against mine under the table. He could sense the tension too.Â
Joe crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat as Stacia eyed us with pursed lips. She seemed to be weighing how to start this conversation.Â
âSo, it looks like things went well in New York. Did you two have a good time?â
Small talk. Really? Dieter and I glanced at each other with confusion. âYeah, I mean it was busy as fuck, but we had fun,â Dieter answered.
âThe footage you took was great by the wayâŠand so were your social media posts. The fans ate it up,â Joe said.
âDid you guys take the time to do anything fun? I saw the open mic night videoâŠâ Stacia interjected.
There it is. Dieter gave a tight smile as he looked between them, âNot really. We stayed pretty busy with rehearsals for this and SNL. We barely had time to eat and sleep.â
Stacia gave us a disbelieving look, âBut you did open mic night?â
Dieter shrugged, âThe SNL cast invited us out for dinner that night. We sort of got roped into it.âÂ
Stacia pursed her lips and nodded before asking, âWhere did you rehearse? The hotel said you didnât use the rented space.âÂ
Dieter and I both grimaced before he answered, âYeah, sorry. There was a large outdoor terrace with our suite. We just used that. It was more convenient with our crazy hours.âÂ
She gave a tight smile in return, âWell, Iâm happy the suite worked out so well for you two then.â
She sighed, the vibe shifting as she leaned back into her seat and rubbed at her temples, âKat, we need to talk about what happened last night with AlecâŠI wanna hear your side of it before we do anything.â Â
I puffed air out of my cheeks, âWhat did he say happened?âÂ
She shook her head, âNo. I want you to tell me your version of what happened first.â My version. So thatâs how this is gonna go. Great.
I took a controlled breath, the last thing I needed to do was lose it on them.Â
âAfter the show, I went to my dressing room. He was there waiting for me. When I walked in, he grabbed me from behind, shoved me up against the wall, mouthed off for a minute, then started choking me. By that point, Marc and Stefanie had gone to get Dieter. He was trying to get in, but Alec had locked the door. I managed to elbow Alec in the face and he let go long enough for me to unlock it. Dieter came in and pulled him off me.âÂ
Her eyes shifted between me and Dieter, âSo, Dieter didnât attack him?â
I shrugged, âHe pushed Alec away from me and then Alec fell to the floor.â
She was quiet for a beat, studying us. âAlec says that Dieter found you two aloneâŠtalking, and then attacked him.âÂ
I let out a disbelieving laugh. Anything to make himself look better. Then it occurred to me, maybe he didnât realize how much Marc and Stefanie had actually seen. He only saw Marc pulling Dieter off of him. What a fucking dumbass.
âWell, thatâs a lie. Dieter was protecting me. Alec attacked me.âÂ
Staciaâs eyes narrowed as they shifted between us, âI need for you to tell me whatâs going on between the three of you so we can figure out how to move forward. Did you cheat on him with Dieter? Whatâs the deal? Whyâs he mad enough to attack you? Make it make sense.â
Bitch. Sheâs one hundred percent fishing for information. I felt Dieter nudge my leg under the table. I pressed mine against his as I leaned forward.Â
âNot that itâs any of your fucking business, but no, I didnât cheat on him. He cheated on me. With Lana. He's pissed because Iâve run out of chances to give and Iâm standing up for myself. Iâm done and he canât accept it. Heâs trying to make us out to be the bad guysâŠto make himself feel better and itâs not working in his favor because we havenât done anything wrong.âÂ
I could see Staciaâs jaw clench as she digested my explanation. I purposefully didnât address mine and Dieterâs current relationship status. I could tell that she was trying to work out how to get that question answered without asking again. Joe sighed heavily beside her and shook his head as he leaned forward to speak.Â
âLook, I pulled the security footage. Where the camera is in the hallwayâŠI couldnât see everything. I could see that he went to your dressing room and waited for you, and I could see how Marc and Stefanie reacted after you went inside and how Dieter was reacting after they went and got him. Their story matches yours, so Iâm inclined to believe that Alec is lying. Thatâs grounds to remove him from the castâŠâ
I interrupted him, âNo. Donât. Let him stay.â
I could feel Dieterâs shocked eyes on me as I continued, âWhen we win, I want it to be because we beat him, not because he got kicked off. All that I ask is that you have security nearby when weâre all here. Make it known to him that you know what happened and the only reason heâs still here is because of my grace and because I wanna crush his fucking ego by winning the competition with Dieter.âÂ
Joe moved to speak but I cut him off by holding up my hand, âIâm not done. My other request is that you both stop your fucking meddling. This is partially your fault too. You were trying your hardest to manufacturer drama for this season and you fucking got it. You wanted your cast romance, now you got that with Alec and LanaâŠso leave us alone.âÂ
Stacia suddenly looked hurt by my words as she spoke up, âKat, we had no idea this would happen, we couldnât have. You canât blame us for this.âÂ
I scoffed, âNo, but you hoped somethingâŠwould happen.â
She sighed, âLook, I knew Alec was sort of an asshole, but I never would have thought he would attack you. You didnât deserve itâŠand I am sorry if we created the conditions for it. It wasnât the intention.âÂ
Her apology almost seemed genuine, until she opened her mouth again.Â
âYou and Dieter are the fan favorites right now. Our ratings are up because people wanna see you two togetherâŠand you guys have become close friends. I canât apologize for our decision to partner you up or for our focus on you. I still think it was the right thing to do, and I stand by that.â
âOh no, Iâm happy you put Dieter and I together. It's the intentions behind your choices that are the problemâŠjust so weâre clear.âÂ
Stacia and I locked eyes. I could tell she wanted to say more, but she was cut off by Joe, who seemed to be handling this more sensibly.Â
âWell, given that you donât want us to let Alec go, I do think we need to make some changes. During the professional performances, if you need to partner up, youâll be working with Marc from now on. He didnât like working with Anika anyway. And maybe we split the professionals up into two troupes so we can keep you guys apart as much as possible. Iâm sure Emily can make that work with the choreography somehow.â
Joe rattled on about some other precautions he wanted to put into place for a bit longer, then they finally let that topic drop and got back to business. Stacia pulled out the sketches for this weekâs costumes. They had me in a short lacy black dress with a low back and long sleeves. It left little to the imagination, but I was used to that. So, I gave a quick nod of approval. They had Dieter in simple black pants and a black long sleeve button up dress shirt.
Stacia seemed a little more reserved than normal as she went over the details. Our earlier conversation had obviously struck some sort of nerve with her.Â
âThis week we have you two doing the Argentine Tango to the song You Put A Spell On Me.â
Joe smiled smugly, âThat should be an interesting one. Canât wait to see what you two come up with.â
Based on his reaction to it, I assumed this wasnât the same song that I was familiar with. He seemed too giddy about it. I glanced over at Dieter. His brows were slightly furrowed. He seemed just as intrigued as I was. We were done soon after that, not wanting to hang around any longer than we had to.Â
After grabbing a quick lunch at the small Greek diner at Dieterâs suggestion, we made our way to the dance studio to begin rehearsals for the week. We started like we always did, by cueing up our song. Both of us sat sprawled out on the floor as the sultry notes greeted us. I suddenly felt hot as my skin prickled from the music. It was beyond sexy and had my mind racing with ideas that were not meant for a public performance.Â
Dieter and I sat listening, wide-eyed as we fully took in the lyrics. Once the song ended, his brows pinched together as he pursed his lips. I could already tell he had some sort of sarcastic comment brewing.
âSoâŠ,â he finally said with a look of confusion, âDo they just want us to have sex on the dance floor? Because I feel like they want us to have sex on the dance floor. Theyâre just asking for it at this pointâŠWhich is not very family friendly of them...â Â
I chuckled. He wasnât wrong. It was a very sexual song.Â
âHow spicy are we allowed to be? I feel like we should push the limits of whatâs acceptable just to be obnoxious and because they wonât expect it,â he added.
Honestly, the thought of it was sort of thrilling. I had never taken that route with a performance on the show before. Doing it with Dieter made it seem even more tantalizing because I knew it would piss Alec off and get peopleâs attention.Â
âWellâŠthere have been some pretty racy performances in the past, so itâs not out of the question.âÂ
Dieter giggled, âLetâs just see how many different ways we can act out the lyrics.â Â
I snorted, âAct out the lyrics? Really? You want me to undress you on the dance floor?âÂ
He scratched at his scruff as he smirked, âWhy not? You are a pro at getting me naked.âÂ
I felt heat creeping up my cheeks as I gave him an admonishing look, which caused him to let out one of his boisterous laughs.Â
I shook my head and rolled my eyes at him as he moved to stand. He then framed his arms up and began stomping back and forth dramatically in a stereotypical tango style dance, âCome on Kit Kat, let's get to it. Time to get nasty.âÂ
I couldnât help laughing at him. His playfulness always got to me. I loved that he now showed me this side of himself. Thinking back to our first week together, he never would have acted like this. He had opened up so much since then. I could feel my heart do a little flutter at the thought as I stood to join him.Â
I grabbed his hand, pulling him toward me so he would stop the ridiculous stomping thing he was doing. âFirst of allâŠthis is an Argentine Tango, not an International TangoâŠor whatever it is you think youâre doingâŠ.â
He dropped his head and snorted out a laugh as I gave him a teasing smile.Â
âItâs not as stiffâŠdoesnât have the quick and decisive movements that most people associate with the tango. The hold is different, allowing for more freedom of expression so that the dance can be anything from slow and sensual to fast and strong. Weâll need to include intertwining leg combos and dynamic lifts. The judges will be looking for those.â
He was in full student mode now, listening intently and nodding along. I smiled, deciding to throw him a curve ball, suggestively running my fingers down his chest as I spoke.Â
âThe best description Iâve ever heard that explains the difference in the two dances is that the International Tango is for dancing with your wife and the Argentine Tango is for dancing with your lover.âÂ
He nodded as a wide smile spread across his face, âIâm pretty sure I can handle it given that weâve nailed the horizontal tango already...âÂ
I closed my eyes, biting my bottom lip to stifle a laugh. âI canât win with youâŠâ I finally managed to huff out. He gave me a smug smile and shrugged.Â
I continued on, still fighting a smile, âAnyway, letâs start with the hold then we can go through some gancho and staccato leg combos. I think thatâll probably be the hardest part for you to get. Then weâll go from there.âÂ
Once Dieter got the basics down, we began to build our routine. Both of us laughing and having more fun than we usually did. It seemed that our evolving relationship off the dance floor was changing the dynamic on it as well. The communication between us came easily now. So much of it being non-verbal. We just got each other. It was a true partnership full of trust and friendship on top of everything else that our relationship fostered. It almost seemed too perfect.Â
Dieter was flowing with ideas and more involved with planning the choreography than any of my past partners had ever been. I loved seeing his face light up when he had an idea and his excitement when he shared it. It made the process so much more enjoyable and made me feel closer to him somehow. His openness felt like a testament to his trust in me which I knew was a big deal for him.Â
We managed to plan out the majority of the routine before our studio time was up. We left feeling good about where we were. As provocative as the routine was, we did somehow manage to behave ourselves and keep it professional. That didnât stop the heated glances from passing between us or the occasional lingering touches though.Â
By the time I was in the car and following Dieter to his house, I was feeling fairly worked up. The anticipation of having some alone time with him had butterflies forming in my stomach and wetness between my thighs. I couldnât help wondering how the evening would go as we pulled into his driveway.Â
He wasted no time pulling me in for a passionate kiss after I stepped out of the car - one hand on my cheek as the other wrapped around my waist and pulled me against him.Â
He broke away with a relieved sigh and smiled, âIâve been dying to do that all day.âÂ
I chuckled at his enthusiasm as he turned and pulled me toward the door, never releasing his hold around my waist as he keyed into the house. The moment the door opened, we were greeted by Zee. Only then did he let go of me to bend down and pick her up.
Zee nuzzled her face against his beard as he cradled her to his chest, murmuring a quiet, âHey baby girl, Iâve missed you todayâ into her fur as she began to purr. It made my heart melt to watch him with her. I never would have guessed that Dieter Bravo was capable of being this tender and sweet before getting to know him.Â
After snuggling her for a beat, he turned to me with a dimpled smile as he approached. Zee was now lazily leaning her head in my direction, letting out a soft meow as she gave me a slow blink. I didnât hesitate to reach and scratch behind her ears. She stretched out on her back in his arms, reaching to place her paw on my face.Â
Dieter chuckled and stepped closer so she could rub her face against my chin as my hand stroked the long silky fur on her chest. There wasnât a mat in sight. I smiled, âLooks like somebody is taking their cat grooming responsibilities seriously.âÂ
Dieter's cheeks flushed as he shrugged, âYeahâŠshe likes itâŠand Iâve read itâs a good bonding activity. So, I donât deny her when she wants her hair brushed.âÂ
I snickered, âSheâs got you wrapped around her little paw.âÂ
He sighed slowly pulling Zee away and setting her down, âYeah, it seems Iâm a sucker when it comes to my two favorite ladiesâŠCome on. Iâll get dinner started.âÂ
He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the kitchen, âHopefully Cora remembered to put the chicken in the marinade before she left. If not, we may have a problem.âÂ
My brows knitted together, âWhoâs Cora?âÂ
He smiled, âSheâs my housekeeperâŠa little spitfire of a lady. I think youâll love her. I need to introduce you.âÂ
I nodded, noticing the affectionate smile on his face as he talked about Cora. It made me curious about her, but I didnât question him further.Â
I watched him rummage through the refrigerator before pulling out ingredients, including the marinated chicken. He got to work, refusing to let me help. When I tried, he leaned down and lifted me by my thighs and planted me on top of the island. After a quick peck on the lips, he told me not to move. My only job was to âwatch the master at work.â
Zee soon joined me on the island, swishing her tail as she paced back and forth, attempting to lay eyes on what her dad was cooking. She shocked me by jumping across the distance between the island and Dieterâs back, landing on his shoulder with a loud meow as he laid out the chicken in a baking dish. He didnât even flinch.Â
I snickered, âBased on your lack of a reaction, I take it this isnât the first time sheâs done that.â
He laughed and shook his head, âNope. Sheâs a nosey little shit and thinks any sort of protein is for her. Especially chicken.âÂ
Zee watched intently over his shoulder as he worked. She stayed perched there as he moved to the sink to wash his hands. Afterwards, he leaned down, allowing her to jump down onto the counter so he could put the chicken in the oven.Â
He turned toward me, moving to stand between my thighs as he rested his palms on the counter at my hips. His nose nudged against mine as he asked in a low voice that gave me goosebumps, âWould you rather have garlic and herb roasted potatoes or rice and cooked vegetables with your Greek Lemon Chicken?âÂ
I smiled against his lips, âYouâre making me Greek Lemon Chicken?âÂ
He nodded, âI amâŠWhat can I say? I love spoiling my girls.â
My stomach felt topsy-turvy at his words. Hearing him say the word love in relation to me in any way had me feeling some kind of way. As he leaned in to kiss me, I felt tingly all over, realizing that I might actually be falling for himâŠhard. I had to beat back the small wave of panic I suddenly felt.Â
He pulled away with a playful smile, âHopefully it doesnât taste like shit. Iâve never made it before.âÂ
I laughed nervously as a new wave of emotions hit me once I realized he was learning to cook Greek food for me.
âYouâre trying Greek recipes for me, are ya?â I asked teasingly in an attempt to distract myself.
He nodded, âI am. Just doing what I can to keep ya aroundâŠfor Zeeâs sake, of course. She needs a woman in her life.âÂ
I smiled even though my mind was racing with the implications of what he was saying. Was he feeling this as deeply as I was?Â
âYeah, Iâm sure itâs all for her,â I finally said with a chuckle.Â
He shook his head, smiling as he leaned in for another soft kiss before adding, âYouâre right. Itâs not. Iâm one hundred percent whipped by you both.âÂ
He paused, huffing out a laugh as he threaded his fingers through my hair and briefly allowed his eyes to roam over my face. After inhaling deeply, he asked, âNow, what does my other girl want to eat with her chicken?âÂ
I took a moment to get lost in his chocolate colored eyes, taking in the crinkles around the edges from the small smile on his lips. I loved it when his eyes crinkled like that. Thatâs how I knew his smile was genuine.Â
âI think Iâll take the rice and veggies.âÂ
His hands moved to my hips, squeezing gently as he gave me a quick peck on the forehead. He pulled away with a smile, âAs you wishâŠNow, watch the culinary king create a masterpiece for your tastebuds.â
He got to work, chopping the veggies. Zee came over to inspect, seeming intrigued by the spread, but ultimately decided it wasnât for her and went to entertain herself with a fake mouse toy on the floor.Â
Even though Dieter was occupied with his cooking duties, that didnât make him any less attentive toward me. Conversation flowed and he made sure to continue his light touches and shared the occasional kiss as he moved around the kitchen. It was strangely romantic and intimate in a new way for me. I could see myself spending every evening like this with him. The fact that my mind was even going there scared me, worried that I was getting in too deep too fast. I somehow managed to bury that thought in the back of my mind each time he looked at me with his soft eyes and boyish smile.
Once the chicken was done, Zee turned into a little terrorist determined to get her share. I lost track of the number of times Dieter had to shoo her away while it was cooling. I couldnât help laughing as those two had a near standoff over the cooked poultry. Because of Zeeâs insistence, Dieter suggested that we eat on the patio since it had been such a nice day. That way we wouldn't have to deal with her âbrattyâ behavior. I agreed with a chuckle.Â
To keep her distracted, he made her dinner. She ate quietly in the corner as we made our plates and gathered everything we needed to move to the patio. Dieter made sure to hide the chicken away in the oven before we finally sat down to eat.Â
The meal was amazing of course and I made sure to tell him as much. He acted smug over the complement, but that didnât stop his cheeks from flushing a little. We were both relaxed, discussing the most random topics and getting to know each other just a little bit more. It was nice to be with him like this for a change - to hear his laughter and see him truly happy.Â
After eating, Dieter insisted that I go relax while he cleaned up. He refused to have any other outcome. So, I made my way over to one of the loungers next to the fire pit and settled in. Dieter joined me a few minutes later, switching on the fire pit before reclining in the lounger beside me. He made a pouty face as he stuck out his arms, motioning for me to come sit with him. I chuckled as I stood, moving to sit between his spread thighs as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me against his chest. He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck, causing me to giggle from where his scruff tickled the sensitive skin.Â
We sat like that for a time, just listening to the waves of the ocean and enjoying being in each other's embrace. It felt so easy with him. Almost too easy, which was a little concerning if I dwelled on it. I pushed that thought away, twisting so that I could look up at him. He gave me a soft smile, his eyes crinkling as he looked down at me and reached to cup my cheek.Â
âIâve missed being able to do this the last few days,â he finally said.Â
I smirked, closing the distance between us and sucking on his bottom lip. He deepened the kiss as I shifted in his arms, moving to straddle his hips as he set up straighter and pulled me against him. Just as I felt him growing hard under me, he pulled away, brushing the hair back out of my face as he peered up at me. His eyes danced around my face with a sort of serene expression.Â
âI donât know that Iâve properly told you how fucking beautiful you are.âÂ
I gave him a dismissive laugh as my cheeks burned under his palms. He leaned in, pressing his forehead to mine, âStay with me tonight, please?âÂ
His voice was almost pleading as he asked. Something about the way he sounded tugged at my heart a bit. I smiled against his lips as I dipped my hands under the hem of his shirt to explore his chest.Â
âI had already planned on it,â I replied before kissing him again. He didnât deepen it. Instead, he pulled away and nuzzled his face into my chest as he hugged me just a little tighter, âDonât get any ideasâŠI just wanna cuddle. No funny business.âÂ
Something about his tone told me he wasnât trying to be funny. He sounded serious, but I wasnât sure. I scoffed jokingly, âHow presumptuous of you.âÂ
He was quiet for a beat, breathing me in. He finally pulled away with a smirk, âIâm just teasing. I do mean it though, I donât wanna do anything tonight. I just wanna be with you.âÂ
I gave him a confused look. Canât say Iâve ever heard a guy say that before. He seemed unsure of himself suddenly, averting his gaze. I reached for his chin and tilted it toward me. âWhatâs this about?â I asked in a gentle tone. Something was obviously on his mind.Â
He sighed, âYouâre probably gonna think Iâm nutsâŠbutâŠI donât want this thing between us to just be about sex. I wanna spend time with youâŠget to know youâŠconnect in other ways. You know what I mean? Youâre too important to me for it to turn into that. Iâm still learning how to do this relationship thing and I wanna do it right.âÂ
I stared at him, a little dumbfounded and turned on by the fact that he didnât want to have sex. What the hell is wrong with me?Â
He grimaced, âPlease say something.âÂ
I huffed out a laugh, âIâŠIâm trying really hard not to be turned on by this.âÂ
He chuckled, âThat wasnât my goal, but Iâll take it as a positive response.âÂ
I reached to run my fingers through his hair as I smiled over his smug look, âWhat planet did you come from?âÂ
He laughed and shrugged, pulling me back against him, his ear to my chest as my fingers scratched at his scalp. He hummed at the feeling, leaning into me much like a needy puppy does when you scratch just the right spot.Â
Dieter was true to his word, not taking it any further even though I could tell parts of him wanted to. Instead, I ended up stretching out against him, cuddling as we watched the sunset and talked about the most random topics. There was lots of laughter, gentle kisses, and caresses throughout. It was refreshing. I couldnât recall the last time Alec and I had spent time together like that, or if we ever really had. He was always so guarded about everything, which often left a lingering tension in the air between us. It never felt like that with Dieter. He had a way of making me feel at ease and content. He was always smiling and had such a playful and positive energy, it was hard not to match it.Â
As the hour grew late, we finally made our way inside. I watched as Dieter moved through the downstairs to lock up and turn everything off. His last step of his nightly routine was to give Zee a snack of boiled chicken. I watched as she jumped up on the island and patiently waited for him to pull it out of the refrigerator. The âQueen Zeeâs Fucking Chickenâ label on the bowl caught my attention and made me snort in laughter as Dieter shredded small pieces and handed them over to her. When I asked what that was about, he shrugged and laughed, âEvan made that. Said something about her screaming at him over it. Theyâre both so dramatic, thereâs no telling what actually went down.âÂ
After he washed his hands, he walked over to stand in front of me, placing his hands on my hips as he pulled me against him with a mischievous glint in his eye. âYou ready to go to bed?âÂ
I quirked an eyebrow at him, feeling like he was up to something. âI need to run out to the car to get my bag.âÂ
He pursed his lips, âEhh, Iâll go get it for you in the morning.â
I smirked, âBut what will I sleep in?âÂ
He fought a smile, âYou can raid my closetâŠor wear nothing. Iâm not picky.âÂ
I gave him an admonishing look, âI thought we were behaving?âÂ
He shrugged as a wide grin formed on his face, âWe are. Skin to skin cuddling for adults is a very healthy thing to do. It lowers cortisol levels and releases oxytocin. I fully support naked cuddling as a form of bonding.â
I chuckled, âYouâre such a nerd, which is pleasantly surprisingâŠand kind of a turn onâŠâÂ
He laughed loudly, âIs there anything that isnât a turn on for you today?â
I leaned in, smiling against his lips before answering, âApparently notâŠâÂ
After giving me a quick kiss, without warning, he leaned down and hoisted me over his shoulder like a fucking caveman. I squealed as he laughed maniacally and made his way up the stairs, grabbing a generous handful of my ass as he went. Once in his room, he sat me down, still laughing as I playfully pushed him away from me.Â
I turned to survey the room for the first time. It was the only room I hadnât seen when he previously gave me a tour of his place. I wasnât sure what I expected. It was similar to the rest of the house, clean with cream colored walls and bedding accented with deep earth tones. He had a few plants sitting around, my eyes automatically focusing in on the obnoxious penis cactus on one of his nightstands. I laughed and shook my head as I pointed at it, âArenât you worried about grabbing that thing by mistake when youâre half asleep?â
He chuckled, âNo, I donât usually put anything on that side of the bedâŠbuuut since youâre hereâŠIâll move itâŠcanât have you gettinâ confused and grabbing the wrong erection.âÂ
I cackled as I watched him move it from the nightstand to the dresser. I couldnât help it. He had such a naughty sense of humor, and I loved it. Once he had it situated in just the right spot, he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward one of the other doors, which opened up to a massive bathroom. I couldnât help admiring the tub. It looked heavenly. He followed my line of sight and chuckled, âI told you I had a hydrotherapy tub.â
âWell, it would be less weird if I took advantage of that nowâŠobviously.âÂ
I could hear him snicker as he rummaged around in the linen closet, then pulled out a new toothbrush and handed it to me.Â
I gave him a deadpan stare, âYou tryinâ to tell me something?â
He laughed, âNo! I just know youâre routine and I have extras.âÂ
He pulled the toothpaste out of a drawer, put a dab on his brush then stuck it in his mouth. He passed the tube to me once I got the toothbrush out of the packaging. I watched him dig around in another drawer and pull out a hairbrush. It sort of shocked me when he moved to stand at my back and began running it through my hair, completely neglecting the toothbrush that was hanging from his mouth. After sitting the hairbrush down, his fingers got to work, struggling a bit at first, but eventually working the strands into a simple braid. Once he got to the bottom, he reached for my wrist with his free hand and pulled the hair tie off it to twist around the end of the braid. I watched in the mirror as he stood back and rather smugly admired his handy work as he began to brush his teeth.Â
After spitting some of the toothpaste out, I turned to him, âAre you trying to ruin me for all other men, Bravo?Â
He smirked, âNo, not intentionallyâŠbut is it working?â
âThe jury is still out on thatâŠâÂ
Once we finished brushing our teeth, I followed him into his closet, which was just as ridiculous as his bathroom.Â
âFucking hell, this is bigger than my bedroom,â I said as I looked around. âWhy do you need such a big closet? Itâs not even one third of the way full,â I asked with a disbelieving laugh.Â
He shrugged, âI donât, it just came with the house.â He pursed his lips in thought and gave me an odd look before adding, âRoom to grow I guess.âÂ
I felt like he was insinuating something, but I wasnât sure. Instead, I rolled my eyes as I walked over to the stacks of folded t-shirts on a shelf. I could feel his eyes on me as I flipped through them, smiling over some of the funnier ones. Keeping my back to him, I reached for the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. I could hear his breath hitch as I reached back to unhook my bra and allowed it to fall to the floor. I then slid my leggings down, standing there in nothing but my black underwear as I plucked one of his t-shirts from the stack and put it on.Â
When I turned toward him, he was standing there staring at me with his arms crossed and an amused expression on his face. I held my hands out with palms up, âWell, whatta ya think? Fits perfectly, no?â
He tucked his bottom lip between his teeth as he stared at me, hesitating before allowing his eyes to sweep down my body. He reached up and scratched at his chin, âFucking is my cardioâŠreally? Thatâs the one you went for?âÂ
I laughed, looking down at the shirt, âI think maybe we need to update itâŠcross out âfuckingâ and write in âdancingâ above it?â
He shook his head as he slowly walked toward me. His voice low, almost teasing, âOh no, fucking is definitely still part of my cardio routineâŠthough I donât believe Iâve fucked you properly yet. Iâve taken a moreâŠsensual approach so farâŠwhich Iâve found I actually kind of prefer.âÂ
Our eyes were locked as he reached to cup my cheek, âSomehow youâve managed to bring out that side of me for the first time everâŠand Iâm enjoying it more than I thought I could.â
His intense gaze, sultry tone, and sudden vulnerability had me involuntarily clenching my thighs together. The effect he had on my body was insane. I no longer had any control over it.Â
âAre you trying to test my limits right now? Because if you are, Iâm very close to failingâŠâÂ
He laughed as he leaned in to give me a chaste kiss, âCome on honey, let's get you in bed.â
I groaned in protest as he tugged me along behind him toward the bed. After pulling the covers back, he motioned for me to climb in, smacking my ass as I did so - which definitely didnât do anything to help my current state of arousal. I settled in on my back as he stripped down to his boxer briefs, then turned off the light. After climbing into bed beside me, he tangled his legs with mine. His hand sought out the hem of his t-shirt that I was wearing, snaking up under it to rest around my middle after he pulled me closer to his chest. He nestled his face into the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply then sighing in contentment.Â
Moments later, the foot of the bed dipped as Zee jumped up onto it. Dieter sucked air through his teeth, âOooh shit. We may have a problem hereâŠâÂ
I chuckled, âWhyâs that?â
âYouâre in her spotâŠâ
âOh, that is problematicâŠâ
Zee made her way up the bed, then sat beside me as her tail whipped back and forth. I could feel her eyes on us as she surveyed the current sleeping arrangements. She let out a loud meow as I reached to pet her, hoping to keep peace. I felt Dieter suck in a deep breath and hold it while he waited to see how she would respond. She was still as a statue until I found just the right spot behind her ear. She leaned into the scratches as her eyes drifted shut. She seemed satisfied with my offering, finally moving to snuggle into the crook of my arm opposite Dieter.Â
Dieter huffed out a relieved laugh against my neck, âThat was nerve wracking. I thought she was about to battle it out with you.âÂ
I snickered, âHonestly, I thought so too. Good thing I'm comfortable because it doesn't look like Iâm moving anytime soonâŠâ
I felt his rumbling laugh against my neck as he shifted, leaning up to give me a chaste kiss goodnight. It wasnât long before he was asleep, his mouth opened slightly as he snored quietly. Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, I could just make out his features from the moonlight streaming in through the windows. His face looked almost childlike as the creases between his brows relaxed and disappeared. His messy curls hung down over his face, adding to the effect. I found myself wondering what he looked like when he was little, wondering if his aquiline nose had the same pronounced curve or if it developed that way over time. He really was beautiful, even with his patchy beard that never seemed to fully grow and slightly graying hair.Â
I took some time reflecting on the last several days. Dieter had been so attentive toward me, making sure that I was taken care of and always checking in about my feelings. He had also shown me his vulnerable side several times. I couldnât believe that he was open about his fears with SNL, admitting how nervous he was the night of the performance. That was something Alec never would have done out of fear that he would look weak. This didnât make Dieter seem weak to me though. If anything, it showed me how emotionally mature he was and his willingness to be open with me. He really surprised me with that.Â
Then there were the moments in his dressing room before the show when it was just us, laughing and enjoying each otherâs company. Not being afraid to be ourselves out of fear of judgment. He was so unapologetically himself with me and I loved that about him. I loved that he trusted me enough to show his soft and goofy side. He appeared to be welcoming me into his life with open arms and holding nothing back.
I couldnât help letting my mind wander to all of his past relationships, if that was even the right word. Maybe the term âhookupsâ was more appropriate? I thought of that actress, Sophie, whatever her name was. A petite redhead with big breasts and a tiny waist. It was hard not to compare myself to her. We were completely different physically. Dieter had said that he wasnât interested in her, but he had obviously been attracted to something about her at one point.Â
I wondered if maybe she was adventurous in bed, if that was the kind of thing he was into? I had never really been like that with anyone, which did worry me some. I couldnât help thinking that he might eventually get bored with me because I clearly wasnât like any of these people we had encountered that he had a history with. It didnât mean that I couldnât be that way though. There was something about him that made me want to try.
Dieter had a way of making me feel brazen. I could tell he liked it when I was like that, open about how my body reacted to him while teasing his. I enjoyed getting a rise out of him, which only emboldened me further. Maybe thatâs all I really needed to hold his attention? To show him that he was wanted. Â
It wasnât like it was hard for me to show how much I wanted him when he does the things that he does. Things like standing there on a nationally televised stage in his ridiculous âPlant Daddyâ t-shirt that I had bought for him that happened to fit just perfectly across his chest and snugly around his broad shoulders and sculpted arms as he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. He was completely unconcerned that we were surrounded by dozens of people, mics, and cameras. Not to mention how he changed up that line in his monologue. He liked to push the limits too and he did it because he knew it got a rise out of me.Â
All of the teasing between us had turned into a mind-blowing evening once we got back to the hotel. He didnât hesitate to let me take charge or to be open with me about his desires. There was no guessing with him, he was willing to show me what he liked while also allowing me to try my own thing without making me feel like I was doing something wrong. We worked together, exploring and learning each other's bodies and discovering new things about ourselves in the process.Â
Watching Dieter come undone beneath me felt empowering. It actually helped my confidence where it had been so brutally damaged by Alec, often making me feel like our less than satisfying sex life was my fault. Dieter helped me realize it wasnât and allowed me to find that side of myself again. Seeing him writhing in pleasure because of me, watching his eyes dilate and blow wide as he took in my naked body, it unleashed something in me. Knowing that there was no way he could possibly fake the reaction his body was having to me as he gasped for air through clenched teeth and completely lost his senses should have been enough to calm the unsettling feeling that was suddenly creeping into my gut. It should have been enough to silence my doubts.Â
I reasoned with myself that any doubt I was having was because of Alec and the emotional damage he had caused. Dieter was not Alec. He was nothing like him. He made that perfectly clear when he found the vibrator then proceeded to use it as we had sex the following morning. He took his time, asking and learning how I liked it. Then blew my fucking mind. Again, showing me how attentive he was and making sure we both enjoyed the experience. Not at all selfish like Alec.Â
It wasnât even really about the sex or the mind blowing orgasms he somehow managed to draw out of me. It went deeper than that. Through all of it, I could feel an emotional connection with him. It was strong enough that it made my heart feel like it was beating out of my chest. He was already bonding with me in ways that Alec never even tried to. If nothing else settled my doubts, then that should. He told me this meant something to him, and I knew he believed in what he said.Â
I also had to consider how protective Dieter had been, even before the dressing room incident. Going so far as to make sure my locks got changed so Alec couldnât get into the house. He had also put himself between me and the paparazzi at the airport, essentially putting himself in the line of fire. He didnât have to do any of that. It was obvious he cared about me, and I had no reason to doubt what we were building. Â
I now knew I was falling hard and fast for him, and it scared the hell out of me. I couldnât help being worried about being hurt again, especially after what I had just gone through with Alec. I knew if something went wrong with Dieter, it was going to hurt ten times worse because things had been going so well between us. I knew I needed to stop thinking this way because I had no reason to. I was getting into my head about it. He cared about me and was putting in the work to prove it. That was enough. Â
As I glanced back down at his perfectly handsome face, my doubts vanished. He was here with me now, in his bed after asking me to stay. Heâs allowing me into parts of his life no one else has been before. He wants me to be part of it.Â
Those were my last thoughts as I finally drifted off to sleep.Â
Dieterâs POV
On Wednesday morning I awoke to the feeling of Katâs fingertips drawing circles on my bare skin. I could feel my heartbeat speed up under her touch, relishing in how amazing it felt to wake up to her wrapped around me in my bed. She was laying with her head against my chest and one leg hitched over mine. Zee had somehow managed to worm her way in between my spread legs and was sprawled out on her back, snoring softly.Â
I laid there unmoving as I took in the sight before me so that I could commit it to memory. I couldnât remember ever waking up feeling as complete and happy as I did in that moment. It was something that I had longed for and didnât even think possible. I felt like my life was finally beginning to turn into what I had always wanted. If this was going to be my new normal, I knew I could die a happy man.Â
Kat surprised me with a sleepy âgood morningâ as she continued to draw circles along my stomach.Â
I smiled, âHowâd you know I was awake?â
She shifted, propping her chin on her hand to look at me with a smile, âYouâre breathing changedâŠand I could hear your heart rate pick up.â
I chuckled as I reached to push away the loose strands of hair from her face. âI like waking up to you in my bed more than I realized I would,â I confessed.Â
She smiled as she leaned into my touch, âI liked waking up in your bed more than I realized I would, too.âÂ
I sighed, âI canât wait until we have a day off so we can stay here all day.â
âHmmm that does sound amazing. Sign me up.âÂ
I glanced over at the clock, realizing the alarm would be going off soon.
âHows about I go make you a quick breakfast before you go to rehearsal?â I asked.Â
She groaned, âUgh, I donât wanna go. The whole cast is probably gonna be all weird and judgy now.âÂ
My lips set into a tight line, âIs Alec supposed to be there?â
She shook her head, âNo, I donât think so. According to the schedule they sent over they have the two groups rehearsing at different times.âÂ
âWell, thatâs a relief. Doesnât mean he wonât be lurking around though. Just please be careful. I still donât trust that asshole.â
She smiled, âDonât worry, Marc will be there. Iâm sure heâll keep an eye on me.â
I nodded, feigning a stern look, âHe better.â
She laughed, âHe willâŠdonât worry.âÂ
I watched as her eyes explored my face before she asked, âSo, what do you have planned this morning?âÂ
I grimaced, âWell, I have an appointment with my therapist for what Iâm sure will be a very interesting session. Her head may explodeâŠâÂ
âOoof. Are you gonna tell her about us?â
My hand found the hem of the t-shirt she was still wearing and pulled it upwards so that I could run my fingers along her spine as I took a moment to think about it.Â
âWell, I know sheâs gonna ask how New York went. Sheâs been very curious about our relationship from the beginningâŠâÂ
Kat smirked, âOh really? And whyâs that?âÂ
I chewed on my lip as heat crept into my cheeks. Oh well, no sense in hiding it now.Â
âAside from the fact that I was actually building a friendship with someone new, I think she could sense that I was attracted to you. I did eventually fess up to it in one of our more recent sessions.â
Her smile widened, âYouâve been talking to your therapist about me this whole time?â
I swallowed thickly and nodded, âYes. Does that bother you?â
She shook her head, âNoâŠnot at all. What does she say about me?â
I chuckled, âIâm pretty sure sheâs a closet Deiterina StanâŠâ
Kat laughed loudly at that. I knew it would get her.Â
Once she settled, I continued, âIâm only half joking. SheâsâŠactually been very positive and supportive of our friendship and encouraged me to tell you how I was feeling once I realized it. She thinks youâre a positive influence and good for me. I tend to agree with that assessment.âÂ
Her brows furrowed as her eyes turned glassy. She pulled herself upwards to lean in closer for a needy kiss. I deepened it before she pulled away, slightly breathless as she smiled down at me.Â
âIâm actually happy she feels that way. I was a bit worried she would think itâs too soon for you to pursue anything.âÂ
I hugged her tighter against me, âNa, Iâm in a good place. Really. Iâm nearly ten months sober. Sheâs been happy with my progress. Especially since I started the showâŠitâs kept me busy and gave me a little more purposeâŠand you.âÂ
She smiled, leaning in for another kiss just as my alarm went off. That was Zeeâs cue to get up, stretching her legs outward as she made her way up the bed to greet us while I turned to shut the alarm off. After a few minutes of kitty snuggles, we finally got out of bed. I ran to Katâs car to get her bag out so she could get ready for the professionals morning rehearsal while I made us a quick breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. I was rinsing a small bowl of fruit off when she walked into the kitchen with a smile, coming up behind me to wrap her arms around my waist and giving me a peck on the cheek.Â
âNeed help with anything?â she asked as she rested her chin against my shoulder.Â
I shook my head as I shut the water off, âNope, just finishing up actually.âÂ
When I turned around, I found Zee stealthily inching down the counter toward the plate of bacon. I sighed, shooing her away while muttering about her being nothing but a pain in the ass as Kat laughed. I then realized Kat was still wearing my âFucking is my cardioâ t-shirt, only she had tied it into a knot in the back and added some leggings to go with it. Something about the thought of her wearing my clothes in public made my dick twitch.Â
I gave her a flirty smirk, âYouâre here one night and youâre already stealing my clothes and wearing them in public.â
She shrugged, âYouâll get over it. Besides, if they want to stare and gossip during rehearsals, might as well give them something to look at. Maybe Someone will tell Alec that I suddenly have a proclivity for fucking.â
I snorted out a laugh. That certainly wasnât the response I was expecting, but I fucking loved it.Â
âThis might be a sign youâre spending too much time with meâŠbut Iâm not complaining. I also like the thought of you being in my clothes when Iâm not around. Itâs kind of sexyâŠâÂ
She gave me a sly smile, âGood. You can think about that while youâre telling your therapist how I rode you senseless when we were in New York.âÂ
I nearly choked on my own spit as she turned to pile food on her plate with the devious grin still on her face.
âYouâve definitely been spending too much time with me, but I like it,â I finally said through a laugh, suddenly feeling incredibly turned on by her dirty sense of humor. I gave her a grabby pat on the ass before turning my attention to breakfast. We ate quickly and in silence because Kat needed to get to the dance studio. After a rather passionate goodbye kiss and ear scratches for Zee, she was on her way with a promise to see me for our evening rehearsal.Â
I couldnât stop smiling over how our morning had gone as I got ready for and drove to my therapy session. I really hoped this would be our new normal because it was everything. If every day started this way thereâs no way I would ever go back to my dark place.Â
Dr. Smith seemed to sense my good mood as soon as I sat down across from her. She gave me a genuine smile as she asked how I was feeling today.Â
I had to work hard to wipe the goofy grin off my face as I responded, âIâmâŠgood today.â
Her eyes scanned over me, briefly stopping on my clasped hands in my lap. My hands were still, but my thumbs were going to war with each other as I struggled to find something to do with my excess energy.Â
She narrowed her eyes slightly as they finally met mine. Her head tilted to the side, âSo, how did New York go?â
Fuck. Am I that transparent? She totally knows. I laughed nervously, âI mean, it wentâŠgood. SNL went really well. I seem to be back on good terms with the cast. They wanna have me back sometime, so thatâs excitingâŠIt was a lot of work with all the rehearsals for both shows, but we survived it.âÂ
She pursed her lips, tilting her head the opposite direction as she studied me. âHow did things go with Kat?âÂ
And there it is. Getting right to it. âUmmm, good. It was nice to get away from all the drama that LA brings with it. We had a good time.âÂ
She smiled, âGood again, huh? Everything is justâŠgood?â
I grimaced, now scratching at my beard as I thought how best to respond. She didnât give me the chance.Â
âI saw the open mic videos that are circulating online. You wanna tell me about those?â
Fuck fuck fuck. I shrugged, âWellâŠthereâs not much to tell. We went out with the SNL cast and got roped into doing it.âÂ
She nodded, âAnd your performance on Monday?â
I just stared at her. I didnât know where she was going with this. I knew she was doing that thing where she talked me into a hole that I couldnât dig myself out of. I shrugged as I gave her a hesitant smile, âWhat about it?â
She gave me a soft smile, âDieter, Iâm not blind. I can tell something has changed between you and Kat since I saw you last. Did you tell her how you were feeling?â
The pressure was getting to me. I sighed before blurting out in a rush, âOk fine we had sex.âÂ
More word vomit. I didnât have to tell her that part. Fucking hell Bravo.Â
Her eyes widened as she leaned back in the chair, digesting what I had just said.Â
âOk, well, I wasnât expecting that⊠I thought maybe you just had a conversation.â
I started squeezing and unsqueezing my hands into fists over and over, now feeling like I had done something wrong. It was one of my nervous ticks. She noticed it immediately.Â
She held out her hand and placed it atop mine, âPlease relax. Iâm not upset with you. Just tell me what happened.âÂ
I puffed air out of my cheeks, âWellâŠthe studio had us sharing a suite. So, we were together almost every second of the day while we were there. By the end of the weekâŠthere was just a crazy tension between us. She had ended things with Alec before we left, so I was feeling a little more confident about putting myself out there and I did. It was after the open mic thingâŠwe were rehearsing our dance on the terrace of our suite. The tension had kind of reached a boiling point by then and she kissed me. It went on from thereâŠI let her lead things.â
Her brows arched, âSo she kissed you then you had sex?âÂ
I nodded, suddenly feeling I had maybe slipped into old habits and handled things with Kat all wrong.
âI made sure first you knowâŠthat she knew that it meant something to me. I told her and asked her if she was sure. We talked after and I stayed with her that night. It happened a couple more times before we came back to LA.â
Her brows furrowed. Yeah, this doesnât sound good, Bravo.Â
âFuckâŠit was different with her, ok? WeâŠugh fuck.â I rubbed at the bridge of my nose. I was getting a headache.Â
âWe had a connection. It wasâŠemotional and intimateâŠit wasnât just sex.âÂ
She arched a brow at me to continue.Â
I sighed, âWe havenât had sex since weâve been back. She stayed with me last night and I told her I didnât want toâŠthat I didnât want it to be about that. I swear, Iâm trying really hard to do this the right way. I really do care about her. I just donât know what the fuck Iâm doing.â  Â
Dr. Smith held a neutral expression, not giving me anything when she asked, âWhat did you do last night?â
The question took me by surprise, âUmmâŠwell we had rehearsal most of the day. Then we went to my place, and I cooked dinner for her. We sat outside in a lounger by the fire pit afterâŠtalking and watching the sunset. Then we went to bed.âÂ
She narrowed her eyes, âSo, you two slept in the same bed?â
I nodded, âYeah, she slept with me and my cat.âÂ
âAnd you didnât have sex?â
I shook my head, âNo. Just cuddled.âÂ
Her eyebrow ticked upward slightly, âAnd what about this morning? How did things go? Any of the awkwardness you always worry about?â
I shook my head, âNo. We spent a few minutes cuddling and talking about our dayâŠthen snuggled the cat. I made breakfast while she got ready⊠we ateâŠshe kissed me and Zee goodbye then left for the studio.â
Dr. Smith chewed on the inside of her cheek, almost looking like she was fighting a smile. I wasnât sure if that was good or bad. She was making me so fucking anxious. She leaned forward, placing an elbow on her knee, âHow much have you told her about your feelings?âÂ
Again, not the question I expected. She was confusing the fuck out of me.
âI- ummâŠdidnât tell her exactly how I feelâŠonly that I have feelings for her. I didnât wanna throw the âLâ word out this soon and freak her out, ya know?âÂ
She nodded, âAnd how did you feel after she left this morning?âÂ
I looked down at my fisted hands in my lap. They relaxed some as that goofy uncontrollable grin slid across my face.Â
âI feltâŠhappy. I would give anything to have all my mornings be like thatâŠand my nights. Being with her makes me feelâŠaliveâŠand complete.âÂ
I was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming feeling that caused my eyes to prickle with the threat of tears. It was good tears though.
Dr. Smith smiled, âI think youâve made more progress than you realize. It seems youâve gotten your impulsive tendencies under control and Iâm happy to see youâre working on your aversion to intimacy. All of this time that youâre spending with Kat talking, touching, learningâŠwithout involving sexâŠis the type of intimacy that you need and what youâve been denying yourself of for so long. Iâm proud of you for realizing that and following through with it. I can tell that having this kind of connection to someone is changing you for the better. You seem more confident and open about your feelings which can only aid you in creating a solid foundation with her.â
I was a little stunned at her praise. Any anxiety or doubts I had quickly dissipated.
She continued, âGiven that, I do want to make sure you're expanding this growth to others in your life. I donât want your happiness to depend on Kat. I want you to have happiness in the rest of your relationships too. Continue to build up your support system and bond with each of them.âÂ
I nodded, âIâve been tryingâŠnot that I have a very big circle right nowâŠbut those relationships feel strong. Itâs been nice having Evan back on board. Weâve patched things up pretty well I think.â
She nodded, âThatâs good to hear. Iâm happy that it's been working out so well with him.âÂ
She paused, seeming unsure about where she wanted to go next. She finally asked, âI assume you and Kat are keeping your relationship to yourselves?âÂ
I nodded, âYeahâŠbecause of Alec.â
âHow have things been with him since you guys got back from New York?âÂ
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, âUhhâŠnot good. We hadâŠanother confrontation on Monday after the show.âÂ
Her brows furrowed, âWhat kind of confrontation?âÂ
I sighed, âHe was waiting for Kat in her dressing room and attacked herâŠOne of the other couples came to get me after they saw him. When I finally got in, he was choking her. I shoved him off herâŠâ
I really didnât want to get into the rest of it because I knew where this conversation was going.
âWhat happened after that?â Dr. Smith prodded.
I puffed air out of my cheeks knowing she wasnât going to let it go. My hands fisted in my lap again. I could feel my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands.Â
âI uhhh, I pinned him on the floor and hit him a few timesâŠthen tried to strangle himâŠI think. Iâm not really sure what I was doing or thinkingâŠI kind of blacked out in a blind rage when I saw what he was doing to Kat.âÂ
Her lips set into a tight line, âWhat stopped you?âÂ
I stared at my clenched fists, âOne of the other dancers pulled me off him.â
âDid Kat go to the police?âÂ
I shook my head, âNo. She was worried the police report would get out to the media. Sheâs not wrong, it probably wouldâve. She said I scared the shit out of himâŠso she doesnât think heâll try anything like that again.âÂ
Dr. Smith gave me an empathetic look, âThatâs never happened with you before, has it?â
I shook my head, âI mean, I went off on my dad a few timesâŠbut thatâs it. Iâm not a violent person.âÂ
She nodded, âI know youâre notâŠwhich is why Iâm concerned about how that incident affected you. Did it trigger any type of trauma response?âÂ
I canât fucking do this. âCan we just not go there today? Iâm having a good day. I donât wanna ruin itâŠâ
She nodded, âYeah, we can save it for next week if you want. So long as itâs not triggering anything.âÂ
I shook my head, âNo, not actively.âÂ
âOk. Next week then.âÂ
We didnât have much time left after that. We spent the last few minutes catching up on everything that happened in New York then called it a day. As I walked to the car, I chose to focus on the positive parts of that session, because I knew dwelling on the stuff about my past would sour my good mood quickly.Â
Just as I arrived back at the house, my phone lit up with a call from my agent, Lenny.Â
âHey Lenny, whatâs up?â I asked as I answered.Â
There was a brief moment of crackling static on the other end, âHey D, I just wanted to check in and see how things are going?âÂ
âEverythingâs fine, why?â These âcheck inâ calls always put me on edge. They usually meant I was about to be in trouble over something.Â
âNo reason. I just wanted to catch up and let you know that weâve gotten a lot of positive feedback about SNL. Itâs definitely catching peopleâs attention. So is the feedback from the cast. Theyâre singing your praises.âÂ
I couldnât fight my smile. It made me feel good to hear something positive in relation to my work for once.Â
âThatâs actually nice to hear. I had a lot of fun working with them this time around. They kept me very involved with every step. I really enjoyed it.âÂ
âI really think this is the beginning of things turning around for your career. We just gotta keep that positive buzz going, ya know? Youâve been doing really well, and I think this helped people see that. You were really on top of your game Saturday. The fans are loving the dancing stuff too by the way. Pairing you with Kat has worked out well.â Â
My smile widened as I rubbed the back of my neck, âYeah, Katâs been great. I love working with her. Iâm glad you talked me into doing the showâŠitâs been a lot of fun.âÂ
Lenny cleared his throat nervously, âSpeaking of KatâŠI saw those videos of you two singing togetherâŠâÂ
My brows furrowed. I wasnât sure where this was going.
âOooK? And?â I asked.Â
âWell, the agency has noticed that those videos are getting a lot of attentionâŠdo you think she would be open to doing more stuff like that? For publicity?âÂ
I sighed, frustrated by the turn in conversation. âIâm not gonna use Kat for publicity for my career.â
Lenny chuckled, âArenât you kind of doing that already?âÂ
I got out of my car and began pacing the driveway, âThe only thing I want her involved in is publicity for the show that we are working on together. I wonât ask her for more than thatâŠor trick her into doing anything more than that. Iâm not gonna take advantage of her in that way.âÂ
Lenny sighed, âFineâŠOK. I get it. It doesnât have to be with her though. Maybe you could do some Instagram Lives again and sing a little. The fans would eat that shit up.âÂ
I rolled my eyes, âYeah, I dunno about that, Len. I would feel awkward.âÂ
Lenny huffed into the phone, âD, you used to do them all the time. Whatâs the big deal?âÂ
I paused my pacing and ran my hand down my face, âThe big deal is that I was usually cracked out of my mind and acting like a fool. I didnât give two shits about how it looked or what people thought about my psychotic rants or partying. Iâm not that guy anymore.âÂ
âThatâs exactly WHY you should do it. Show the world the NEW Dieter Bravo. If itâs what the fans want, give it to them.âÂ
I sighed, âSo you want me to do Lives and sing? Seriously?âÂ
âFuck yes. Sing, play your guitarâŠhell, Iâd settle for watching you re-pot a plantâŠget creative like I know you can be. We need to start getting you out there more. Your fan base is growing like crazy thanks to the ballroom dance shit, so we need to take advantage of that and keep them hooked.âÂ
This was making me anxious. I needed to end the conversation. âIâll think about it, OK? I dunno how I feel about it.âÂ
Lenny sighed, âFine, think about itâŠbut just do it. And if Kat happens to be involved in any way, the agency will not complainâŠjust so you know.âÂ
I scoffed, âFuck off with that. I told you, Iâm not using her for that shit.âÂ
Lenny chuckled, âOK⊠fine, fine. Look, Iâve gotta go to a meeting. Iâll check back in with you in a few days.âÂ
I rolled my eyes again, âYeah, you go do that. Talk soon. Bye.âÂ
I didnât give him a chance to respond before I hung up. I was beyond annoyed with him after that conversation. I shook my head as I walked inside, deciding not to give the topic any more thought.Â
Kat and I had our late rehearsal that afternoon. She brought in some props for us to use like we planned so that it would be a little more authentic and not just us pretending to remove pieces of clothing and dancing around non-existent furniture throughout the routine, because yes, we were totally going there. This performance was definitely going to push some boundaries, and we were one hundred percent rolling with it because why the fuck not?Â
Once we were done for the day, Kat came back to my place. We had leftovers for dinner then spent the rest of our time cuddling and talking. Our evening went basically the same as the previous one. We seemed to be settling into a routine of sorts. I loved getting to know her like this, laughing with her, and watching her with Zee. I couldnât have asked for anyone more perfect for me if I tried.Â
Thursday was filming day. We of course had to watch ourselves, especially with the sexiness of this weekâs dance. I tried to keep things light with jokes and just making a general ass of myself. My nonsense started when Kat left the room for a quick bathroom break. I put on the long flowy wrap skirt with a Velcro closure that she was using to rehearse in. When she returned, she was greeted by me swishing around the room. I briefly paused, giving her a dainty curtsy complete with a raised pinky, which caused her to wheeze in laughter. The rehearsal was nothing but fits of giggles after that, especially when I struggled through some of the more complicated lift combos and when we tripped over each otherâs feet during the intertwining leg moves that Kat had us doing. Even the film crew was having a hard time keeping it together. I could only hope it came across as two friends having fun and struggling to be serious with a sexy dance rather than two people who were in a secret relationship and doing far more intimate things in their spare time.Â
Kat came home with me again that night. I encouraged her to relax on the couch as I made dinner for us. Zee joined her, stretching out for belly rubs while she waited to be fed too. Kat hadnât said anything, but I could tell she wasnât feeling that well. I couldnât help worrying that the long hours of dancing were getting to her. I needed to do better about making sure she was taking care of herself. I didnât want her to neglect her self-care because she was spending too much time with me. Even if that meant I had to take care of her myself.Â
After she crawled into bed that night, I took a few minutes to do just that. I started with a foot massage, taking special care to avoid that certain spot that I knew would get her worked up. It wasnât about that tonight. I just wanted her to relax and find some relief for her aching joints. I eventually moved up to her calf and worked my way up from there before switching to the other leg.Â
She watched me intently for a time. Eventually settling back into the pillows and humming to herself as she closed her eyes. As my hand slid up to the upper half of her leg and began to massage there, the slight pressing together of her thighs didnât go unnoticed. I chuckled quietly as my fingertips kneaded a little deeper into the meaty area.Â
She sighed, âI know youâre not purposely trying to, but youâre torturing meâŠjust a little bit.âÂ
I laughed, moving both hands to her hip to massage there. âI can tell. My apologies. Iâll avoid the inner thigh next time.âÂ
She hummed in satisfaction, âNext time? Youâre spoiling me, you know that right? Iâm ruined.âÂ
I smiled, crawling up her body to bury my face in her chest and inhale her intoxicating citrus and plum scent that I never seemed to get enough of. âGood. Thatâs my goal. You deserve it.âÂ
Her hands tangled in my hair as her nails gently scratched my scalp. We sat like that in a comfortable silence. Just feeling each other. The warmth of her skin and the steady thump of her heartbeat under my ear lulled me into a stupor, making me feel calm and peaceful. The gaping hole that I had felt in my heart for most of my life now seemed nonexistent and it was because of her. I no longer felt like I was lost. I was home.Â
My arms tightened against her sides as I considered that thought, suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of relief that had a lump forming in my throat. I took a few deep breaths, pushing the tears away that were threatening to seep out. I wanted to tell her how I was feeling, but I held it back - still afraid that it was too soon.Â
When I raised my head to meet her gaze, my chest felt like it was going to burst over how fucking perfect she was. I wasnât sure what my expression held, but she picked up on my emotional state causing her fingers to still their movements. Her brows pinched together. âYou OK?â she asked.Â
I had to clear the lump away in my throat before I spoke. âYeahâŠIâm just getting tired. You ready to go to bed?âÂ
Her eyes searched my face for a brief moment before she nodded and withdrew her arms from around my shoulders so I could get up to switch off the light. Afterward, I crawled back into the bed, settling in at her back before pulling her body snugly against my front. She drifted off quickly, her breathing slowing as she relaxed further into me. I had a harder time finding sleep that night as my thoughts ran wild with possibilities for our future. There was no question about it, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I wanted it to start now. However, I knew that was my impulsive nature talking. I needed to take this slow and continue to follow her lead. If this was going to work, it needed to be on her timeline, not mine.
Friday morning Kat awoke feeling groggy and stiff. I had a feeling she felt worse than she let on, but she insisted she would be alright once she started moving around. I got up to get a hot shower going while she took a few minutes to do some gentle stretches. She joined me afterward, yawning before snaking her arms around my waist and leaning against my chest as she stood under the hot spray.Â
My fingers went to her hair, working the water through it until it was saturated. My hands then found their way to her face, cupping her cheeks as I took in her expression.Â
âAre you sure youâre feeling OK? Maybe we should cut our rehearsal time down today?â
She shrugged, âWeâll see how it goes. Iâm just having a slow startâŠI think.â
I sighed, âIf you need a break today I think it would be OK. Weâve got it down pretty good so farâŠâ
She put a finger over my lips to silence me, âIâm feeling better already. Relax.â
I rolled my eyes and nodded, dropping the subject and focused my attention on washing her hair. She did seem to be feeling better by the time we were done showering, which helped alleviate some of my concern. However, a few hours into rehearsal, it was clear she was running out of steam. The occasional wince and constant shifting on her feet told me she was uncomfortable and most likely having joint pain.Â
By the time we were down to our last hour and a half of studio time, I called it. She protested as I sat down on the floor with my arms and legs crossed like a petulant child and refused to do anything else. She finally relented and started packing up as she reluctantly admitted she was feeling like shit. I wanted to take her home with me and take care of her, but she wasnât having it. She decided instead to go to her house and âsleep it offâ. I wasnât happy about it but agreed. I was saddened by the fact that she wouldnât allow me to help in any way and also by the fact that she wouldnât be staying with me that night. I was already getting used to having her in my bed. The mere thought of her not being there was already making me feel anxious.Â
I ended up breaking our self-imposed rules and pulled her into the small one person bathroom as we were about to leave. I needed to feel her, if only for a brief moment before we parted for the evening. She scolded me, but that didnât stop her from wrapping her arms around my neck as I leaned in for a fiery kiss. It helped dampen my anxiousness, but it was only temporary.Â
Once we finally broke apart, she exited the bathroom and scanned the area for any nosey onlookers. Finding none, she gave me the all clear to come out behind her. We said our polite goodbyes after that. Then we were on our way to our respective homes.Â
The anxious feeling quickly returned when I walked into my house alone. I had to keep myself busy catching up on some much needed plant care in an attempt to drown out the lonely feeling that kept creeping in. Even Zee seemed to be moping around, lacking her usual enthusiasm for dinner and play time.Â
The minutes seemed to be dragging on painfully slow as I ran out of things to keep me occupied. I ended up spending the rest of the evening in my studio working on one of the several paintings I had started of my new muse. It was nearing midnight when I finally decided to go to bed, even though I was still feeling amped up. I really wanted to text Kat and see how she was feeling, but didnât want to chance waking her up if she was asleep. It was almost maddening.Â
My sleep that night was restless. I had tossed and turned so much that Zee got mad and left the bedroom. I felt groggy when the alarm woke me from my light sleep the next morning. I was staring at the ceiling and feeling almost ridiculous over the fact that not having Kat here was affecting me this much when my phone pinged. I couldnât help smiling when I saw her name pop up on the screen. I grabbed my phone, realizing I had a few texts from random numbers that I didnât even bother to look at. Hers was the only one I cared about.
Kit Kat: I should have just gone home with you. Your bed is so much more comfortable than mine. đ
My smile widened as I hit the call button.
Her voice was muffled when she answered, like she had her face buried in a pillow. I chuckled, âThanks for the tip, honey. Now I know what argument to use next time.âÂ
She huffed, âShush you. I didnât wanna be a burden.â
I sighed knowing that was probably the way Alec often made her feel, âYouâre never a burden. Iâd just put your ass to bed and go downstairs so you could sleep. Problem solved.â
She laughed as I continued, âORâŠorâŠIâd crawl into bed and sleep it off with you. A little extra sleep never hurt anyone. Seriously though, are you feeling better?â
I could hear the blankets rustling as she moved around, âUmm, maybe. Not as achy, but still a little stiff.âÂ
âDo you wanna hold off on rehearsal and rest some more?â I asked.
She scoffed, âAbsolutely not. Itâs our last rehearsal day. There are a couple of things we need to nail down before tomorrow.â
I rolled my eyes, âOk, fine. Iâm gonna bring you some herbal tea though. No complaining. Youâre gonna drink it and like it. Itâll help.âÂ
She sighed dramatically, âYes, sir. Whatever you say.â Â
I groaned, âPlease donât talk like that or else Iâm gonna get hard.âÂ
She snickered, âSorry. Iâll behave. Iâll see you at the studio here shortly, yeah?â
âYep. Iâll bring you some breakfast too. Just worry about gettinâ yourself there.â
I could hear the smile in her voice as she replied with a breathy, âYes, sir.âÂ
I raked a hand down my face, feeling that familiar rush of blood to my dick, âDamnit.â
âEnjoy your morning shower,â she said with a laugh.Â
âYeah yeahâŠbye. See you soon, sweetheart.âÂ
After a very cold shower, I got ready, fed Zee, made Katâs tea, then headed out. As promised, I stopped to pick up some breakfast on the way. I found Kat already stretching when I walked in. She looked like she felt a little better at least.Â
After eating, we got to it, working out the last of the minor kinks that we kept running into with the lifts. By the end of our rehearsal session, we were successfully executing the routine perfectly each time and were feeling pretty confident about it. The only concern we had was that the producers might want us to tone down the sexual nature of it. My thought was to tell them to fuck off because they picked the song. It was their fault.Â
Once rehearsal was over, we had to make our way over to Television City Studios for spray tan night. There was no getting out of it this week unfortunately. It was obvious that gossip was spreading throughout the staff and cast based on the general vibes toward us. What that gossip was, we had no idea. I assumed it was mostly to do with the Alec confrontation. Everyone was nice of course, but the looks being passed around told us things were being said.Â
The weird vibes seemed to intensify when Alec and Lana showed up. We hadnât seen him since the incident, so I wasnât sure what to expect. His face was definitely banged up more than I thought it would be - with a black eye, busted lip, and bruised jaw. I couldnât help feeling a little satisfaction from that. He deserved far worse.Â
I could feel Kat tensing beside me when she caught sight of Alec. I placed my hand on the small of her back for reassurance, which caused her to lean into me and focus her attention elsewhere. Marc and Stefanie joined us, checking in with Kat to see how she was doing. I was only half paying attention, keeping my eye on the asshole, watching as Lana seemed to try and sooth him. It was obvious his usual crowd wasnât being as friendly with him. I hoped that meant they were finally seeing what kind of person he was. He deserved to lose everything.Â
Luckily, we didnât have to wait long. A PA sought us out and explained that they would take care of us first from now on so we could get out of there in an effort to keep Kat away from Alec. Clearly Stacia and Joe had shared some information with the staff, but who knew how much? The rumors were probably getting pretty wild at this point. I could only imagine what was going to eventually hit the tabloids.Â
After reminding Kat about my comfortable bed, she came home with me after that. We ordered some to-go food from the Greek diner on the way and had that for dinner. I encouraged her to go get some rest after we ate. She protested, but still followed me upstairs and allowed me to put her into one of my oversized t-shirts and braid her hair before pulling back the covers and urging her to lay down. Zee joined her almost immediately and snuggled into her side so that I could tuck them both in. I sat on the edge of the bed, pushing a few loose strands of hair back as she smiled up at me.Â
âI feel weird coming over here just to sleep,â she finally said.Â
I rolled my eyes, âItâs fine. I like that you wanna be here, even if you are using me for my orthopedic mattress.âÂ
She snorted out a laugh, âYou know thatâs not the only reason Iâm here. IâŠI feel safe hereâŠwith you.âÂ
My lips set into a tight line. I hated that she ever had to feel unsafe. âYou can stay here as long as you want. I donât mind. I actuallyâŠâÂ
I paused, suddenly feeling vulnerable, but decided to say what I was thinking anyway.Â
âI feel less lonely when youâre here.âÂ
She gave me a misty-eyed smile as she reached for my hand and brought it to her lips. I gave her a soft smile in return, rubbing my thumb over the tops of her fingers.
âNow, you rest. I think Iâm gonna go paint for a bit, then Iâll come to bed.âÂ
After leaning down to give her and Zee a quick kiss on the top of the head, I disappeared to my studio. I started a new painting that night. It was of Kat, of course, lying on her side facing away in the creamy colored bedding that contrasted so perfectly with the golden brown skin of her bare back. Her chestnut hair wild and fanning out around her head. I made sure to add the two small freckles on her left shoulder blade that I loved to kiss so much as well as the subtle definition of her toned muscles that I always found to be so fucking sexy. I worked to get the curve of her hip just right as the sheet draped off it.Â
She really did have the body of a goddess, full and curvy but still firm and perfectly sculpted from a life spent on the dance floor. It was feminine, yet exuded strength. I was almost certain she could crush my head with her thighs if she wanted to, which was sort of a turn on if I was being honest.
My intense concentration was broken by my phone pinging with a text message. It was another random number. I glanced at it, someone wanting to get together to party after seeing me on SNL. I had started getting a lot of these all of a sudden. Since none of the numbers were saved, I knew it couldnât be anyone good. I had cleared out my contacts list after rehab for a reason. I rolled my eyes, then blocked the number.Â
Realizing it was nearing 10:30 PM, I decided to head to bed. I made an effort to be quiet as I went through my nightly routine. Kat didnât seem fazed in the slightest as I crawled into bed behind her to be the big spoon. She sunk back into my embrace as I put my arm around her and Zee, who was still snuggled against her chest. Once her scent invaded my senses, I was out.Â
I woke up the next morning nose to nose with Kat. Her eyes were on my face as her fingers combed through the mess that I knew my hair had to be. She gave me a toothy smile as she told me âGood morningâ. I responded by pulling her into a passionate kiss that lasted several minutes, finally breaking away because we really needed to get up. It was show day, so we couldnât get behind schedule. Â
We drove to the studio separately to keep up appearances. I took a detour for coffee mostly so we didnât show up at the same time. We ended up being pretty early, but the crew was ready to get started once I got there. Kat and I talked through the music arrangement with the band Director, then got started on our first run through for camera blocking and lighting. The routine was definitely getting everyoneâs attention.Â
Kat and I caught Stacia and Joe watching from the back of the ballroom. A nervous look passed between us, waiting for the chat to tell us to tone it down some, but that talk never came. The rest of the cast began filtering into the ballroom just as we were finishing up our third and final run through. We finished up to a few whoops and whistles from some of them. Most of the ruckus seemed to be coming from Marc and Stefanie. Marc gave me a pat on the back as we walked off the dance floor as he and Stefanie praised us. I was slowly forming a new appreciation for them as we exited to go to our costume fitting.Â
After putting on my black pants, I didnât bother to button up the shirt before walking out to the fitting area where Kat and Amy were discussing the minor additions to her costume that would be removed throughout the performance. She turned to me, holding out two skirt options that would fit over her original black lace costume, asking which one I thought would be best. We ended up going through those moves of the dance to test them out. We settled on a lightweight silky one.Â
After that, I was standing in front of the three panel mirror as Kat fussed with my open shirt and explained what we needed. Amy decided to use some sticky Velcro strips to close it up rather than the buttons so that Kat could easily yank it open at the right moment. Once Amy got everything sorted and fastened, Kat shocked me a little by coming up behind me, grasping the shirt in her hands, and ripping it open without warning. She rested her chin on my shoulder as she laughed out, âI think thatâll get the job done.â Â
I snorted out a laugh, as our eyes locked in the mirror. She had a mischievous grin on her face as she pulled the shirt open further and allowed her eyes to travel downward. She raised an eyebrow as she focused on my middle section.Â
I shrugged, âI think the spray tan lady gave me better abs. They were there this morning.âÂ
It was Katâs turn to snort out a laugh as she ran her hands down my stomach, âNo, they were there alreadyâŠshe just did a little contouring.âÂ
I rolled my eyes, âWhatever. I mean, Iâve lost weight but I dunno about that.âÂ
She leaned in closer to my ear, âIâd still hit it with or without them.âÂ
My breath hitched as I glanced over at Amy who seemed to be in deep conversation with an assistant, then I looked back to Kat who was still giving me that mischievous smile. She was playing with fire today.Â
I tilted my head to whisper in her direction, âBetter watch yourself Kitten, or else Iâll do just that.âÂ
She was still standing pressed to my back when I felt a hand grab my ass. She gave me a cheeky grin before letting go and turning toward Amy and her assistant to ask for a black tie and suit jacket to go with my costume. After changing out of our costumes, Amy rushed them back for the minor alterations needed. Then we were off to hair and makeup.Â
We managed to nab our favorite hair and makeup team, which we were happy about. Those ladies were always a good time, making the process a lot more bearable. Kat opted to wear her hair down in soft waves again this week, rubbing it in as the hair gel was slathered onto my head to slick my hair back in that way they loved doing to all the guys.Â
As I watched Kat interact with everyone, I could see a notable change in her. She seemed more carefree and happier than she had been during those first few weeks, openly joking around and having fun with those around her. I briefly wondered if she ever had this in prior seasons - the freedom to be herself. If she hadnât, it made me sad knowing that she never fully got it until the end. She deserved so much better than she got.Â
I was drawn from my thoughts by Kat suggesting to Samantha that I should wear some mascara and a smidge of eyeliner. I furrowed my brows at her and started laughing.Â
âYouâre not serious?â I asked.Â
She sank her teeth into her bottom lip, fighting a smile as she nodded. Holly glanced up from Katâs hair and smiled, âI agree. Thatâd be hot.âÂ
Kat waggled her eyebrows at me, âYeah, see. Itâs hotâŠâ
Samantha gave me a questioning look and I shrugged, âIf thatâs what my girl wants, thatâs what she gets.âÂ
I realized too late what I had actually said, causing me to grimace slightly. Katâs eyes widened before she laughed it off. Samantha and Holly seemed unfazed by it, laughing along and getting back to work.Â
We got held up with our costumes for a bit as they perfected the last minute changes we requested. By the time they got that figured out, we were the last couple to do final dress rehearsals. Luckily a lot of the cast had cleared out by then since they were finished, so we didnât have to worry about too big of an audience. We ended up having to go through the routine a couple more times than we normally did to work out the kinks with the costumes since they were a little different from what we had been using in rehearsal. Once that was figured out, we nailed it.Â
We didnât have long before the show started after that. Kat and I were the fourth couple to perform, so we were already in the staging area waiting. She had to do a quick change after the opening professionals performance then immediately joined me again so that we could start our pre-performance ritual. I grabbed Katâs phone to pick a song and began laughing before I even hit play.
đ¶Listen to Dieter's Song Choice Heređ¶
Kat narrowed her eyes at me as the hip-hop beat filled her wired earbud. I was already moving to the music by the time she realized what the song was. Her face flushed red and she fought to hold in laughter as she shook her head at me.Â
I started mouthing along with the words as I grabbed her hands to get her to move with me, âI take you to the candy shop, I let you lick the lollipop.âÂ
She shushed me through her giggles, going along and moving with me to the beat. It wasnât exactly a hype song, but it allowed us to have some fun and shake off the nerves before we got the signal to head to the dance floor.Â
đ¶Listen to Performance Song Heređ¶
We took our places, me standing with a suit jacket casually thrown over my shoulder with Kat in front of me as a light fog surrounded us. After a flourish of her arms as the song started, her hands slid down the sides of my face to my chest.
You put a spell on me / Iâm losing my mind
She turned, walking away suggestively and beckoning me with a finger. I threw the jacket down and followed behind her. Then our back and forth power struggle began as I caught up to her, capturing her arm for a spin and pulling her backside to my front.
You better stop these things / Itâs a matter of time before I hunt you down, grab your chin, kiss your lips. / You bring me back, I lay you down, and grab your hips, and we lose all control.
We swayed in unison as she turned her face toward mine, my hand capturing her chin and pressing the side of my mouth against hers. My hands found their way to her hips as we did a deep circular rotation with them in unison before spinning her to face me for the next verse.Â
And then before you know, I put a spell on you, and now youâre mine. / Iâve got a hold on you, at least for tonight.
We swayed, staring into each other's eyes as my hands caressed her face. We transitioned into an intertwining leg combo before she spun away from me, her hand cupping my cheek before sliding down and pulling the loose tie from around my neck to take with her.
You know I canât help myself as you ask tenderly / If Iâd dim the lights as your hand brushes me / Then the floor swallows your clothes, and your silhouette puts on a show
With a flourish of my hands and a snap, the lights dimmed. A spotlight dropped down on Kat as she discarded the tie and began a slow and seductive roll of her body. Pulling the newly added silky skirt loose as she spun and dropping it to the floor before moving toward me and kicking her leg up for the lift onto my shoulder.
You give me fever, drive me insane / You got me going in circles with potions and bottles and I canât escape / I canât escape / Iâm lost in your ways
We transitioned into a salida, our foot work completely in sync before Kat moved her legs in a swivel, sliding her arms to my neck as mine tightened under her arms and around her back. Her feet spread wide so that they were inches off the floor as I leaned forward and spun us in a circle.
You put a spell on me / Iâm losing my mind / You better stop these games / Itâs a matter of time before I hunt you down, grab your chin, kiss your lips. / You bring me back, I lay you down, and grab your hips, and we lose all control.
As I gently placed her back on the floor, she grabbed my waist, turning me away from her so that she could rip my shirt open similar to the way she had in the dressing room earlier. After pulling the shirt off and discarding it on the floor, things only got more sensual as we moved across the ballroom as one. Hands sliding across each other's bare skin as our foreheads pressed together. Lips brushing as she twisted and swiveled around me. I spun her, her back to my front again for the deep circular rotation of our hips before moving into the tango walk.
I put a spell on you, and now youâre mine. / Iâve got a hold on you, at least for tonightâŠAt least for tonight.
For the final part, we transitioned into another lift as I spun her around and gently lowered her to her knees on top of the fake bed we had requested as a prop. After dipping her backwards at the waist and doing half a rotation, she popped back up into our finishing pose with her hands on my face and our lips near touching as the lights quickly dimmed to black causing a deafening round of applause.Â
Kat managed to sneak an actual kiss in before the lights came back on. There was something incredibly thrilling about it, knowing that all eyes were on us but they couldnât see anything in that brief moment. It had me wanting her so badly. I was ready to leave without getting our scores.Â
It was time to chat with the judges after that. They mainly focused on how sexy the performance was, going so far as to make jokes about fines for not meeting the show rating standards. They mentioned how our chemistry seemed to evolve more and more each week and was now exploding off the charts. It left me wondering how much longer we could keep this thing between us under wraps if we couldnât hide it on the dance floor.Â
I had a hard time concentrating on anything except Kat during our interview. My arm was around her shoulders while she had placed one around my waist. I hadnât bothered to put my shirt back on, so I could feel every inch of her pressing against me with only the thin fabric of the lace costume separating us. Her fingers held my waist firmly as she pulled me tightly against her side.Â
The air around us almost felt like it was vibrating as we fumbled our way through the hosts' questions, trying to explain how we kept our cool with such a provocative dance. I felt like they were trying to trip us up into saying something incriminating in regard to our relationship, but we played it cool, managing to redirect the focus to two friends having fun while working together.Â
After standing around waiting for a commercial break to end, they went straight into scoring. We received four tens. Another perfect score. We were elated obviously. Kat didnât hesitate to jump into my arms for a hug over the news. We were buzzing with excitement after that, finding it hard to focus on the remaining performances. Especially when we would brush against each other, accidentally or not. I tried to avoid shooting heated glances her way, but it was hard. Especially when she seemed to be reciprocating them.Â
We both sighed in relief when the show was finally over, making a beeline toward the dressing rooms. We had zero urge to hang around and socialize once the show ended. Honestly, after our steamy performance, the only thing I could think about was getting her alone just so I could kiss her. I was quickly losing the strength to restrain myself from scooping her up in my arms in front of everyone. We reached my room first, after glancing up and down the hallway for prying eyes and finding none, I turned toward her with a mischievous smile and pulled her through the doorway.
After closing the door behind us, I backed her to the middle of the room, pulling her hips against mine as I captured her lips in a searing kiss. Her hands snaked around my neck as she deepened it, swallowing the groan that rumbled from my chest. I pulled back in an effort to not get carried away, sighing as I pushed her hair away from her face. âLemme get changed so we can get outta here.âÂ
She huffed, suggestively running her fingertips down the bare skin of my chest. âFineâŠOK,â she said in mock annoyance. She moved to lean against the vanity countertop, crossing her arms as she watched me undress down to my boxer briefs.Â
I couldnât help standing up a little straighter and puffing out my chest as I asked, âYou see something you like, honey?âÂ
She smiled as she looked at me through her lashes, âMaybeâŠâÂ
I playfully rolled my eyes and chuckled, grabbing my robe off a wall hook and putting it on before shoving my costume into its garment bag. I quickly opened the door to put it out for pickup. As I closed the door behind me, I surveyed the room, thinking through what I needed to pack up to take with me. I walked toward the vanity, reaching around Kat to grab my phone charger. She tilted her head closer, grazing her nose along my neck before sucking on my earlobe as her fingers tugged the robe open. My hand paused midair as I leaned into her mouth with a smile, âWhat do you think youâre doing, sweetheart?â
Her palms moved to my chest, pushing me backwards until the back of my knees bumped the chair, âWhy donât you sit for a spell, Bravo.âÂ
I was curious where this was going, so I didnât argue. The robe fell open as I sunk down into the chair, slouching with my legs spread wide - giving her an eye full of little Bravo who was now at full attention and dying to come out to play. My eyes stayed on hers as they drifted down to enjoy the view. She ambled forward, swaying her hips seductively until she came to stop between my thighs. She reached out, cupping my cheek with a smirk on her lips as she lifted one leg, then the other to straddle my hips. Only the thin fabric of our undergarments separated my hard length from the place that it wanted to disappear into. My hands found her hips, gripping and rocking them against me. Her eyes fluttered closed at the contact as she leaned forward against my chest, changing the angle to seek more friction. My face nuzzled against hers as my lips found her ear, âI want you so bad right nowâŠneed to stop teasing me.âÂ
Her breath hitched as I bucked against her to emphasize my point. She turned her head, mouth hovering above mine, âYou can have meâŠanytime you want. You donât even need to askâŠâÂ
I smiled against her lips, âIs that right?âÂ
She nodded, leaning in for a sensual kiss as she continued to slowly roll her hips against mine.Â
I groaned as my hands slid up her bare thighs to dip under the hem of her dress and grab the globes of her ass. âTell me what you need, Kitten,â I mumbled between kisses.Â
She pulled back, running her hands down my chest as she stared into the depths of my soul with a playful smile. âI want you to show me what a proper fucking from Dieter Bravo is like.âÂ
My brows knitted together as a wide grin spread across my face, âWhat? Here? Now?âÂ
Her brows arched, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she nodded.Â
I sighed, âOh Kitten, I donât think you can be quiet enough for that. Youâll get us caught.âÂ
She straightened her shoulders as her eyes narrowed on me, âYou wanna try me?â
I huffed out a laugh, giving a jerky nod, âYes, I fucking do.âÂ
My lips crashed against hers, kissing her with more force than I ever had. If she wanted that carnal, animalistic side of me, who was I to deny her? Fucking was something I knew all too well, but I could already tell that even this would feel differently with her, and I craved it. I wanted her in any way she would let me have her.Â
A knock on the door caused us to breathlessly break away from each other.Â
âDieter, are you still here?â a voice called from the hallway.Â
 Kat and I stared at each other, confused by the sudden interruption.
âYeahâŠIâm hereâŠâ I called back cautiously.Â
âHave you seen Kat? She hasnât turned in her costume yet. Iâd like to get out of here soon.âÂ
We both held in giggles as I yelled back, âHavenât seen her.âÂ
Kat smiled mischievously and wiggled against my extremely hard dick. I gave her a look of warning as we heard muted muttering and retreating footsteps outside the door. Once it appeared that the coast was clear, my lips found hers again as she continued to grind against me. My body felt like it was on fire, her touch further stoking the flame as her hand moved downward between us. Just as her fingertips dipped under the waistband of my boxer briefs, another knock sounded on the door, âDieter, can you likeâŠtext her or something? No oneâs seen her.âÂ
I let out a frustrated growl as I leaned my forehead against Katâs, âOh for fucks sakeâŠâ
She fought a smile as she held in her laugh.
âJust⊠give me a minute!â I finally called back a bit more harshly than I meant to.Â
Without a second thought, I grabbed Katâs thighs and stood, sitting her on the edge of the vanity before squatting down to take off her dance shoes. She watched me work with a small smile on her lips, lifting first her right foot, then the left for me to unbuckle the straps and place kisses along her calf as I pulled each shoe off. My hands ghosted up her legs toward her hips, gripping them to pull her off the vanity. I turned her to face the mirror, then unfastened the hooks to the straps on the back of her dress. Our gazes locked on each other in the mirror as I began to slide the dress down her body, revealing her to me. Once I pushed it past her hips, my head tipped forward to place gentle kisses along her neck, whispering a quiet âwait hereâ against her ear before I tied my robe shut and bent down to collect her costume.Â
I had to adjust myself as I moved across the room, hoping the loose fabric of the robe might conceal my raging hard on as I carefully opened the door just far enough to pass off the costume pieces in question. I quickly shoved them through the opening, âHere ya go.â
The PA momentarily stared at me with confusion before finally reaching to take the costume. I gave her a tight smile, âHave a good evening.âÂ
She still looked confused as she replied, âUhh, thanks?âÂ
Without another word, I shut the door and locked it. Turning to find Kat still standing facing the mirror like I left her.Â
She smirked, âYou realize thatâs probably gonna cause some gossipâŠâÂ
I quickly closed the distance between us, my hands gliding around to the front of her body to explore her curves, âThen let them fucking gossip. I have urgent matters to attend toâŠâÂ
My left hand cupped her breast and squeezed it gently, eliciting a soft sigh from her as she leaned back against my chest. Her right hand reached behind her, tugging at the tie to the robe and pulling it open again. Her eyes settled on mine in the mirror as she cradled my bulge and stroked it gently.Â
I tisked at her as I grabbed her hand away, âOh no no, Kitten. If you want a proper fuck, that means Iâm in charge right now.âÂ
She sucked in a sharp breath, allowing her hand to fall limply at her side as my right hand joined the left, kneading her breasts and pulling her body flush with mine. My mouth found her neck, nipping little love bites up the length of it as my right hand slid into the waistband of her underwear to gently tease her, spreading her slick over the swollen bud that was already throbbing in anticipation.Â
Within seconds she melted against me, whimpering as my fingers found their rhythm. Once her body began to tense and tremble, I withdrew my hand and was met with a soft whine.Â
âDonât worry, Kitten. Iâm not done yetâŠjust warming you up.â
My fingers moved to her hips, hooking in the elastic of her underwear. âCan I take these off?â I asked against the curve of her neck, causing goosebumps to form on her skin. Â
She nodded, letting out a breathy âpleaseâ as she arched into me. I placed open mouthed kisses down her spine as I slid them off. After standing upright, I placed a knee between her thighs to spread her legs as my right hand found its way back to her center. My fingers gently rubbed tight circles around her clit while my left hand moved back to her breast. My eyes connected with hers in the mirror again as my teeth grazed her earlobe. She was already coming undone, panting and squirming against me, and we hadnât even gotten to the fun part yet.Â
âYou tell me to stop if Iâm being too rough,â I said against her ear.Â
Her breath hitched as she nodded. I withdrew my fingers, giving her clit a quick smack causing her to moan quietly, âUse your words, Kitten. I need you to agree. Donât be afraid to tell me to stop. You understand?âÂ
She nodded again, âY-Yes, I understand.âÂ
I gave her a cheeky smile, âGood girl.âÂ
Another quick smack to her center had her falling forward with a deep groan, resting her palms on the vanity as she rubbed her ass against me. My fingers got back to work, sinking into her heat and curling against just the right spot as I roughly shook my palm against her bundle of nerves.Â
I hadnât been this aggressive with her in the past, so I focused on what her body was telling me, afraid she wouldnât make me stop if it was too much. She seemed to be into it as she sought out more friction against my palm. Her brows pinched together as her jaw went lax. Her head dropped down between her shoulders as she fought to hold in the moans. My left hand slid up to her neck, gripping just under her chin to pull her back against my chest as I kept up the relentless pace with my fingers.Â
âI need to see your face, keep your eyes on me please.âÂ
She panted out a breathy, âYes, sirâ and I nearly lost myself. She must have felt my dick twitch against her, because she smiled widely, reaching one hand behind her to grab at my ass to pull my hips tighter against hers.Â
I chuckled next to her ear as I rolled her clit between my fingertips, âSuch a needy girlâŠcome for me then Iâll fuck you like you want me to.âÂ
She gasped at the new sensation, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip to hold in the sounds that were trying to escape. Her eyes shifted between mine and my hands in the mirror, the sight seeming to spur her on as she writhed against me. I could tell she was close as I dipped my fingers back into her heat while roughly shaking my palm against her clit again. Her free hand grabbed my forearm, squeezing it tightly as she began to tremble and tense in my arms before going limp. I gave her a moment, allowing her to come down from her high as my hands explored her body.Â
I suddenly felt her arch against me as a lazy smile spread across her face. âWill you fuck me now? Please?â she asked in a sultry voice.Â
Little Bravo was damn near busting through my boxer briefs at that. I was still a little apprehensive, afraid that I would hurt her. I knew the dancing was beginning to wear her body down, and I didnât want to add to it, but I trusted that she would tell me if it was too much.Â
I gave her a cocky smile as my right hand ghosted up her spine to grab the base of her neck to manipulate her into position, âLean forward.âÂ
She complied, placing her palms on the vanity as she tilted her hips back and upward to give me better access. We stared at each other in the mirror as my fingertips lightly stroked down her back, then grabbed her hips, gripping them tightly as I rubbed my hardness against her. Before she could register what I was doing, I drew my hand back and slapped her ass. She flinched slightly. I soothed the area with my palm as I studied her, âIs that too much?âÂ
She smiled and shook her head, âNoâŠjust wasnât expecting it.â Her voice had a raspy and needy tone to it.Â
I gave it another smack, causing her to exhale out a quiet groan as she pushed back against me. I paused, savoring the sight of her before me, naked and nearly bent over the countertop in my dressing room. It was a sight I had never expected to see. This wasnât at all an unusual situation for me before I got sober. Iâd had more than my fair share of women and men bent over countertops in dressing rooms, but with her, it just felt different. I felt the same rush of excitement and arousal, but there was something else there with it. A tightness in my chest and tingling along my skin as my gaze met hers.Â
My connection with her was more than physical and gave me a high unlike any drug Iâd ever had. I could only assume this is what it felt like to be in love with someone. I suddenly understood why some men would risk life and limb for their significant other. If this is how they were made to feel, then I couldnât blame them. Iâd do anything for her.Â
I reached down with my right hand, releasing myself from my boxer briefs as my other hand gently caressed her back. She watched me stroking myself in the mirror, her breathing speeding up from the sight as I tipped my head forward, allowing spit to drip down to my hand to spread over the hard length.Â
I moved closer to her back side, allowing my cock to rub against her drenched center as I leaned my chest against her and reached around to knead her breast with my free hand, âI think you like watching me touch myself, donât you honey?â
She sucked in a sharp breath at the contact as she pressed against me for more friction, âI like how you look at me when you do it. I can tell youâre thinking about all the different ways you want me.âÂ
I chuckled and mumbled, âYouâre not wrongâ against her shoulder as I notched the head at her entrance and began to slowly sink in. I gave her a moment to adjust. She hummed out a sigh as she nuzzled her cheek against mine. My hands moved back to her hips and gripped them firmly, âYou sure this is what you want, Kitten? It wonât be gentle.âÂ
I felt her clench around me, my words seeming to excite her.Â
âIâm sure. Donât hold back, please.âÂ
She was damn near begging. It almost sent me over the edge. I had to take the first few thrusts slowly until I gained my focus back. On the fourth, my fingers dug into the meaty flesh of her hips to hold her in place as I slammed into her. She lurched forward slightly, crying out in surprise at the intensity. I paused, assessing her for a moment. A lazy smile spread across her face as she pushed back against me to keep going.Â
I set a steady pace causing Kat to whimper loudly with each vigorous thrust. The sounds of our heavy pants and flesh smacking together filled the room as her right hand flew up to her mouth in an attempt to muffle some of the sound, eventually digging her teeth into her palm as she fought to contain herself. As she began to push backward against me to meet my thrusts, I could tell she was losing her composure. My right hand glided up her back, twisting in the hair at the nape of her neck as the other snaked around her waist to pull her flush against me. My fingers tightened in her locks, turning her face to meet mine. She kissed me in a libidinous way. I could feel it throughout my entire body, causing it to hum with electricity. I completely lost myself and my awareness as my craving for more of her intensified.Â
I suddenly pulled out of her, causing whines of protest as I spun her around to face me and lifted her up onto the edge of the vanity. I wasted no time sinking back into her wet heat, pulling her closer and tilting her hips downward to get the friction where she needed it most. It was almost frantic between us now as our mouths crashed together, swallowing the grunts and moans that escaped with each forceful thrust that had her bouncing against me. Her hands found their way to the inside of my robe, sliding up my back before her nails dug in deep just as she tensed around me. She buried her face into the crook of my neck as she came with a deep moan that she tried hard to contain.
She finally raised her head to look at me with watery eyes. Her face was flushed and sweaty as she leaned her forehead against mine with a satisfied smile as I continued to drive into her with the same vigor. I could feel my release building as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me in closer. I wasted no time burying my face into her chest, groaning loudly and whimpering as I came inside of her.Â
She held me for a few minutes, scratching at the nape of my neck and down my back as my hands wandered up and down the sides of her body. We were both dripping with sweat as we waited for our breathing and heart rates to return to normal levels. This that came after is what made everything different with her. The intimate moments spent touching, feeling, and sharing our emotional connection was my favorite part. I wanted it to last forever.Â
I eventually pulled away, looking up at her with soft eyes as I brushed her hair back. Part of me suddenly felt guilty for manhandling her the way that I just had.Â
âI want you to come home with me tonight so I can take care of you. That was rough, I wanna make sure you donât start hurting from it.âÂ
She gave me a small smile, âIt wasn't too much. I'm more than OK. Really.â
I sighed, âThenâŠjust⊠humor me. Please?â
Her legs tightened around my waist as her smile widened. âAnd how do you plan to take care of me?â she asked with an amused tone.
I pursed my lips in thought, âHmmm, well, Iâll make you a fucking fantastic dinner while you relax on the couch and keep Zee occupied.âÂ
She hugged me a little tighter, âHmmm, I could get behind that.âÂ
My lips found her throat, placing gentle kisses between my words, âThen Iâll run you a hot bathâŠmaybe join youâŠmassage your hipsâŠ.legsâŠand feetâŠmake you come againâŠthen have a nice cuddle as we fall asleep.â
I could hear the smile in her voice, âSpeaking of foot massages and comingâŠâ
Busted. I glanced up at her with a sheepish smile, âWhat of it?âÂ
She caressed my jaw with a smirk, âDid you know what you were doing to me in New York, with the foot rub?âÂ
I snickered, hiding my face in the curve of her neck, âIâm aware that some people can have an orgasm from a foot massage. I had a thing with a massage therapist once and he taught me how to do it. It wasnât intentionalâŠinitiallyâŠbut then you didnât stop me, so I just went with itâŠâ
I felt a low chuckle rumbling in her chest, âYou little shit.âÂ
I smiled against her skin, âScold me all you want honey, but you looked like you were about to jump me. I knew it was only a matter of time.âÂ
She laughed against the top of my head, âThe underwear selfie took it over the top. I took a screenshot of that, just so you knowâŠâÂ
I couldnât help the howl of laughter that ripped through me, âI had a feeling you enjoyed that. I took it for you, ya knowâŠand you did not disappoint.âÂ
She hummed out a quiet laugh, âYeah, thatâs the reason the vibrator ended up under my pillow.âÂ
The memory of using said vibrator on her danced through my mind, causing my dick to twitch inside of her. She pulled back to look at me with a smile, âI felt that.âÂ
I shifted and pulled out of her with a groan, âYeah, I need to get you home before he wakes up again.âÂ
She chuckled as I lowered her to the floor. I took off my robe and wrapped it around her shoulders with a smirk, âYou might need that. Canât have you walking down the hallway naked.â
She shook her head with a smile as she tied it shut, watching me throw on jeans and a t-shirt. I quickly packed up the few items I needed, then motioned for her to lead the way to her dressing room.Â
There were still people milling around in the hallway. Most seemed oblivious to the activities that had just taken place on the other side of the door, except for Anika, who was standing across the hall chatting with one of the other professional dancers. They were both watching us with odd expressions as we exited my dressing room. I couldnât help wondering if they heard something.Â
Kat shocked me a little, noticing their attention, she responded with a wide smile, telling them to have a good evening as she literally strutted down to her dressing room. I followed her with a cheesy grin, never taking my eyes off her. It had to be obvious something just went down, but I sort of didnât care.Â
Kat was quick to get changed. She moved around the room to gather up her things, giving me a shy smile every time our gazes met. The electricity was still humming between us at higher levels than normal, and it was driving me insane. I needed her again, but in a different way - softer, slower, and more sensual. I wanted to worship every inch of her body, then wrap her up in my arms and never let go.Â
Once she was packed up, we made our way out to our vehicles. She followed me home where I did everything for her that I promised I wouldâŠand more.Â
Next: Week 7
Be sure to check out the fun Plant Dad Dieter extra at the end of the A/N.
A/N: Whew! Ok. That one was a beast. I know...I have a problem.
Anyway...so did the Alec thing go down like you thought it would? Are we super pissed at Kat for the way she is handling it? Or do we support her plan of rubbing it all in Alec's face? Trust me when I say he's got more coming to him.
We got a lot of domestic Dieter and Kat (and Zee đââŹ) this chapter. How do we think each of them is handling things so far? Our poor guy is trying really hard and being super sweet. I want to cuddle him.
We got some new tidbits of information on Dieter during his therapy session. We will get the full story next chapter. Any theories?
Y'all ready for some Instagram Lives? Neither is Dieter. Doesn't mean he won't suddenly be inspired to give it a try a couple of chapters from now though. You'll probably need a tissue for that. đŹ
How do we feel about his agent wanting to use Kat for publicity? Did Dieter make the right call on that?
And lastly...sexy time in the dressing room. These two are something else. How long until they are open about their relationship do you think? Can we also take a minute to appreciate Dieter taking charge and showing Kat a little something new? đ
đBecause I'm a total whore for a good Argentine Tango, I bring you two super sexy videos. The first one in particular heavily influenced the vibes for Dieter and Kat's performance for this chapter.
Video 1 đ„
Video 2 đ„
đIn case you missed the post, I forgot to include the "Plant Daddy Era" t-shirt for SNL in the last chapter. I made sure to give it a mention in this one and also bring you a fun edit. Please enjoy. #PlantsBeforePantsđ
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@myloveistoolittle @for-a-longlongtime  @copperhalfcent @auteurdelabre @drewharrisonwriter
@burntheedges @stevie75 @bunniboo0015 @quicax3 @jackie923
@sherala007 @pastelnap @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @jessthebaker @rebel-held
@gwendibleywrites @senorabond @annalovesflorida @sandaltoesocks @katw474
@txlady37 @inkmonster21 @sunnytuliptime @jeewrites @fifitheragertot
@pasc4lfuzz @toomanystoriessolittletime @tintinn16 @lizzie-cakes @insomniacdreammerbbÂ
@peepawispunk @pedrostories @dieterbravobrainrotclub
#pedro pascal#pedro pascal fanfiction#pedro pascal smut#pedro pascal characters#dieter bravo#dancing dieter#sober dieter#soft dieter#cat dad dieter#plant dad dieter#slow burn#closed position series
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Werewolf Stan x Reader
Chapter 4, tw: some mentions of body transformation
Ford huffs and shakes his head, despite his annoyance he doesnât want to leave her alone with Stan. He settles into the armchair next to the couch and scribbles in his journal as y/n aimlessly pets the big wolf. Eventually all three of them drift off, the only sound being the steady breathing of the big beast. The next morning Stan wakes up in a groggy haze, completely unaware of his surroundingsâŠand the fact that he still has his head in y/nâs lap. He blinks and sits up quickly, blushing deep red despite her still being asleep. He groans as the motion causes his head to spin and he goes to get up but his eyes widen seeing that heâs naked under the blankets.
âAw geesh-â
Y/n blinks slowly as he speaks and rubs her eyes as sheâd fallen asleep sitting upright. She looks over, and seeing Stan that way embarrasses her just as much, flushing red.
âOh- uhâŠâ
Stan wraps the blanket around his waist with shaky hands as he stands, holding the blanket tight.Â
âI-uhâŠIâm gonna changeâŠâ
A few minutes later he comes back in a t-shirt and jeans, obviously a little shaken up as he glances over to Ford.
âHe drug me or something? I donât remember anythingâŠI didnât hurt you did I?â
Y/n shakes her head as she stretches, her back popping as sheâd been sleeping in a weird position. Despite knowing that Stan is nervous she canât help but smile a little.
âNo and noâŠI donât think youâd hurt a fly.â
Stan frowns in confusion and chuckles dryly.
âUhâŠyouâre joking right?â
âNope. You were a big baby.â
Stan flushes at this and despite being grateful he didnât hurt youâŠhis ego is bruised a little as he sits back down.
âI donât believe you.â
Y/n laughs softly.
âYou scared me at first, but once you realized Ford and I wouldnât hurt you, you were a big sweetheart. You laid right here in my lap all night while I pet you.â
Stan rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment but his eyes soften as he hears how you comforted him.
âYou did, huh? Takinâ care of the overgrown dog. You shoulda been a little more cautious.â
âOh I was terrified at first, but it was likeâŠyou recognized Ford and IâŠyou got my scent and it was like the flip of a switch.â
Stan smiles softly at this, breathing a sigh of relief as well.
âWell uh- thanks for not shootinâ me with a silver bullet. Lord knows Ford wouldâŠâ
He trails off at this as he looks over at his twin sleeping in the corner, and y/n can see the pain in his eyes despite his nonchalant tone.
âWhatâŠwhat happened between you twoâŠ?âÂ
Stan sighs softly as he didnât realize you could see the way he was feeling.
âItâs a long storyâŠâ
âIâve got timeâŠâÂ
An hour later the two of them sit over coffee as Stan tells his story, Ford continuing to sleep as he definitely needs it. Y/n sighs deeply as she didnât realize the full extent of Stanâs hurt.Â
âIâm really sorry youâve had to go through all thatâŠâ
He scoffs and waves a hand dismissively as he sips his coffee.
âAh donât mention it, the past ten years have really been my fault. Iâve been too focused on proving myself to my paâŠthat I havenât just focused on supporting myself. Iâve given up on beinâ a millionaire nowâŠI just donât wanna die alone in ditch.â
She nods softly and looks down at the cup in her hands.Â
âYâknowâŠI was the same way. When Ford and I were in college we both dreamed of making a name for ourselves, famous scientists and the discovery of a lifetime. But now that I see how much Fordâs work consumes himâŠI just wanna be happy.âÂ
Stanâs eyes soften in concern.Â
âWhy donât you tell himâŠ? Why donât you leave?âÂ
âBecause I hoped for somethingâŠI hoped that we could just be normalâŠâ
She trails off as she glances over at Ford sleeping, not really wanting to expose her original feelings for him. Stan of course can already tell, and he feels bad for her and his brotherâŠhe didnât used to be this way. He taps his fingers anxiously as he doesnât want to steal her from Ford, but from what sheâs said whatever affection she had for him is fading. Stan loves his brother, but he canât help but be drawn to the bright girl that heâs ignoring.Â
âSo uhâŠIâve told you my whole life storyâŠtell me about yours.âÂ
She raises an eyebrow but smiles a little, despite all of the stuff heâs dealing with right now he still cares. So she tells him all about herself, the two of them talking and joking for a while until Ford wakes and shuffles back down into his lab. Stan chuckles softly as she goes into full detail about how he acted last night.
âWell Iâm both embarrassed and relievedâŠyou donât mind dealinâ with me like that huh?â
She smiles softly as she meets his gaze.
âI donât mind dealing with you at allâŠâÂ
Stan blushes as she meets his gaze and he feels hope blossoming in his heart.Â
"You're real sweet, y'know that? You don't mind having a homeless werewolf living with you?"
She laughs softly.Â
"Not when he actually talks to me...I like him a lot."
Stan smiles at this as he sips his coffee, oh he likes her an awful lot. He talks to her for a while and despite enjoying what she says he begins to zone out a bit as the words "I like him a lot" repeat over and over in his brain. A pretty girl actually likes him, better yet just someone actually likes him...And somehow these horrible circumstances have becomes better, despite his insecurities about his new condition he's slowly getting cocky. He forgets his situation and just grins at her, he's falling for this girl.
Stan finishes his conversation with y/n reluctantly as she has research to do. As Ford finally wakes up he watches as he goes into his study, following him quietly. Ford glances back with a frown as he goes to his bookcase, but stops as he doesnât want to reveal whatâs behind it.
âWhat do you want?
Stan frowns back, rolling his eyes.Â
âGeesh you act like youâre hidinâ a dead body or something. I know youâve got some secret lab down there, I was just wondering what you were doing.â
Ford sighs and he steps back from the bookcase.
âStanleyâŠthis is serious research, I just donât think you could handle it.â
Stan barks out a laugh.
âYou forget that I spent last night as an overgrown dog. Iâm pretty much part of your âserious supernatural researchâ now. Are you really just going to hide from both of us?â
Ford huffs and closes his journal roughly.
âBoth of us? That early, huh? Youâve been conscious for two days, Stanley.âÂ
Stan raises an eyebrow, looking confused as to why that phrase made Ford upset.Â
âUhâŠIâm lostâŠwhatâs the problem?â
Ford chuckles dryly as he sits down.
âDonât pull the naive card, StanleyâŠyou think you know y/n better than me but you donâtâŠâ
Stan rolls his eyes at this, knowing he struck a nerve, and he can already feel the jealousy in the air.Â
âOh thatâs the problem. Well Iâm sorry that I acknowledge thereâs a second person in the house, itâs kinda hard to deal with turning into a little movie monster on your ownâŠâ
Ford sighs and he adjusts his glasses, sitting upright.
âIâm sorryâŠitâs just- I donât know what Iâve done wrong to have her hate me so muchâŠâ
âShe donât hate youâŠâ
Ford shrugs a little.Â
âMaybe notâŠas long as she doesnât hate me enough to leave, thatâs alright.â
Stan frowns slightly at this, not liking how Ford only sees y/n as a colleague rather than a friend. But he doesnât say anything because he canât help but feel a little excited at thisâŠthis kind of leaves the door open for him.
âSo- uhâŠhowâd you two meet anyways?â
Ford glances up as he didnât expect Stan to be this curious.
âWe- uhâŠwe met in college. I helped her with chemistry and she helped me with my biology courses. I suppose we were good friends at one pointâŠâ
He trails off a little as he says this and sighs.
âSheâs a nice girlâŠyou like her donât you?â
Stan blinks in surprise, attempting to hide his blush.Â
âYeah- umâŠsheâs pretty nice. Even if she took care of me like a petâŠâ
Ford chuckles softly, his mood lightening a little.
âYes, sheâs always been fond of animals, and speaking of which- do you think I could run some tests? Iâd like to get some samples tonight.â
Stan shrugs as he plops down next to him.
âYeah I guess so, as long as you donât prick me and all that junk.â
An hour later Ford has taken some hair and DNA samples, restraining from getting Stanleyâs blood at this point, even though itâs vital. He decides to try and get some tonight as well as some of the wolfâs fur. Stan isnât fond of changing again and he canât help but think of y/n, wondering if sheâll care for him like the night before. He doesnât want to force her too, but it feels pretty nice to be taken care of for once, even if he canât remember a thing.
âHey, StanfordâŠ? You think you got anything- for the pain?â
Ford frowns softly as he thinks, flipping through his journal.
âI donât knowâŠI have tranquilizers but I donât really know if theyâd work. But I donât exactly want to use silver either. If I get some more DNA samples I might be able to see what reacts to it.â
Stan sighs in defeat.Â
âSo I gotta go through it cold turkey until then, huh?â
âUnfortunately yes.âÂ
That evening Stan sits anxiously tapping his fingers on the couch armrest. He glances over to y/n as she reads next to him, but she notices how anxious he is without looking up.
âYou alright?â
Stan stiffens as he didnât know she noticed.
âNoâŠthe suspense sucks.â
She nods and closes the book she was reading and looks at him.Â
âI knowâŠdoes it hurt?â
He hesitates as he tries to remember, but then the memory of body contorting and changing comes back.
âYeah, but itâs like a crazy dream at the same time. One second I feel all of it, I can look down and see all the freaky crap thatâs happening to my body, and the next- itâs like Iâve been asleep the whole time.â
âSo you donât remember anything after youâve changed?â
âNope, itâs like Iâm knocked out.â
She frowns a little in thought, obviously wondering what part of him is conscious when heâs changed. Itâs obviously a more childlike part of himself. Theyâre both quiet for a few moments and she glances out the window before looking back at him.
âYou can stay out here with me if youâd likeâŠâ
He looks up, his eyes a little hopeful. She canât take away the pain but heâd sure as hell feel a lot better, she cares about him more than anyone ever has.
âThatâd be nice, even if itâs kinda freaky.â
She chuckles softly.
âIâve seen walking trees, wendigos, zombies and a ton of other freaky stuff, Iâll be ok.âÂ
He smiles softly.
âOk, wellâŠthanks-âÂ
He abruptly stops as his hands start to shake, and he shoves them under his thighs.
âWell I guess speak of the devilâŠâÂ
Y/n frowns in concern as he starts to shake.
âHeyâŠheyâŠjust relax, ok?âÂ
He nods quickly and grits his teeth, his eyes as fearful as they are soft.
âC-can I sit closerâŠ?â
Her eyes soften and she nods, within a moment he scoots close. She rubs his arm a little as he takes deep breaths, and she doesnât shy away as he groans, his body making a strange sound as he begins to grow. But her eyes widen as she looks down at his hand gripping her, already large enough as it is, it grows enormous and claws form. Fur starts to grow all over his arms and his clothes stretch and tear. He groans and shakes, his body burning as he tries to stop it even though itâs no use.
âMâsorryâŠit hurtsâŠâ
She doesnât hesitate to pull him close, his head buried against her neck as he growls in pain. She rubs his back even as it grows big and covered in fur, speaking to him quietly even as a muzzle starts to press against her shoulder.Â
âItâs ok, StanleyâŠIâm right here.â
Minutes later his body stops shaking, the enormous wolf still holding her tight, her smaller body pressed against his bulk and nuzzles her cheek with a quiet rumble, as if to say âthank you.â Y/n chuckles softly as his cold nose touches her cheek and she reaches up to rub his ears.Â
âYouâre welcome.âÂ
He pulls away from her, smiling in its own way as its big brown eyes have a child-like innocence in them. He looks around the living room, empty except for y/n, and she chuckles again as she knows heâs looking for Ford.Â
âHe should be done with his work soonâŠâ
A few minutes later Ford trudges up the stairs from his lab and enters the living room. Immediately Stan's ears stand up and his tail wags quickly, excited to see his brother. Ford raises an eyebrow as he stops, still surprised to see him there again. His eyes widen as without hesitation, the wolf stands on two feet and pads over to him.Â
âW-when did he learn how to do that???â
Y/n laughs as Stan towers over Ford and squeezes him up in a hug. Ford stiffens as heâs pulled up off his feet, his glasses askew as heâs picked up like a ragdoll.
âWhat the-? Y/n help me out here!â
She takes a minute to contain herself and grins.Â
âBring him over here big boy.â
Stan grins and carries him over, plopping down next to y/n with his brother in his lap, excited like heâs his new toy. He sniffs at Fordâs glasses and coat to which his twin huffs and pushes his snout away.
âAw, Ford be niceâŠheâs just curious.â
âCurious, my behind! I donât like being squeezed like a toy!âÂ
Y/n smiles softly as Stan holds his brother tightly, as if afraid to let him go. Despite the innocent look in his brown eyes, itâs obvious that he wants to protect his brother. Ford sighs as he eventually loosens his hold, and he gets up to sit on the chair, Stan of course watching to make sure he stays close. With Ford out of his grasp he smiles at y/n and reaches a paw over to tug her close. She chuckles and sits close to him, his head immediately going back into her lap as itâs obvious thatâs his spot now. Once Ford is settled he pulls out his journal and starts writing fervently.
âIt seems heâs biped and quadrupedâŠthough I canât tell if he has a preference yet.â
Y/n lifts up one of Stanâs paws and looks at it closely, rubbing the soft pads. Despite the claws and usual black pads of a wolf or dog theyâre on his palm as well as one on the bottom of each of his fingers.
âHuh⊠he has five fingers tooâŠI didnât notice that last night.â
Ford nods and writes this down as well, Stan just smiling blissfully as heâs happy to be touched and cared for, even if he has no clue what theyâre talking about.Â
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hii!! It's my first time requesting but I really love your works!! Can I request 8 and 29 from the angst prompts with Vernon?? Thank you!!
hello!! thank you for requesting & your kind words!! đ«¶
request your own: full prompt list!
check out my masterlist! // hansol's m.list
angst prompt #8: "was anything real between us?" +
angst prompt #29: "stop pretending you care."
the silence was unbearable. you had texted him every day since you last saw him, the messages slowly piling up without a reply. hansol had always been distant at times, but this... this felt different. no casual texts, no updates, nothing. you tried calling. nothing.
then seungkwanâs text came through.
âhey, just so you know... hansolâs hurt. he didnât tell you?â
your heart stopped. you had to get to him. now.
the moment you arrived at hansolâs apartment, the door was cracked open, and you pushed your way inside, breathless and frantic. you found him sitting on the couch, his leg propped up, wrapped in a thick bandage, looking utterly defeated. his usual energy was goneâhis eyes hollow and tired.
âhansol!â you rushed over to him, kneeling in front of him. âwhat happened? why didnât you tell me? iâve been worried sickââ
âworried?â he repeated, voice cold. his eyes didnât meet yours. he kept his gaze fixed on the floor, arms crossed tightly over his chest. âyouâre worried? thatâs rich.â
your chest tightened at his words, but you pushed forward, trying to stay calm. âof course i was worried. why wouldnât i be? youâre hurt, and you didnât say anything. i didnât even knowââ
âyeah, exactly,â he snapped, cutting you off. his voice broke, though he tried to mask it with anger. âyou didnât know. because you never care, do you? you only care when itâs convenient for you.â
you flinched, his words stinging deeper than you wanted to admit. "hansol, what do you mean? i do care. i've always cared."
âstop pretending, alright?â he said bitterly. âstop pretending like you actually care about me. we both know itâs not true. you think i donât see it? youâve been keeping me at arm's length this whole time. we were never anything to you.â
the words hit you like a slap in the face. the sting of them burned, but you didnât pull away. you couldnât. âthatâs not true. i didnât... i didnât keep you at arm's length. i didnât know what you wanted. i thought we were just... having fun, but i care about you more than you think. more than iâve let myself admit.â
he shook his head, but this time, his eyes flickered with something softer, almost broken. âyou never showed it. you always pushed me away when things started getting too close. and now⊠now youâre here, pretending like you actually give a damn.â
you felt the panic rise in your chest. âitâs not pretending, hansol. itâs not. i care about you. iâve always cared. i justâi didnât want to screw this up. i didnât know what we were, but... i didnât want to lose you.â
there was a heavy pause. he leaned back, eyes closing for a moment, and the silence between you felt suffocating. âso what? was it all just... just sex to you? nothing more?â
you swallowed, trying to fight the lump in your throat. âno,â you whispered, voice breaking. âit wasnât. i was just... scared.â
hansolâs hand trembled, and he ran it through his hair, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. âwe were never anything real, were we? just... some weird thing that we never bothered to define. i donât even know why iâm so surprised. i shouldâve known.â
âno, donât say that,â you said, your voice rising, desperate. âdonât say we were nothing. donât say i didnât care. i was afraid of this... afraid of actually letting myself feel something real. iâm not good at this, hansol. i donât know how to make you see that i care. i donât know how to show you without scaring you away.â
he turned his head, locking eyes with you. for a moment, you saw the confusion, the hurt, and the frustration all tangled together. âyou think youâre the only one whoâs scared? you think iâm just some... some guy who doesnât feel anything? i donât know what iâm doing either, okay? but you pushed me away every time i tried to get closer.â
you didnât know how to fix this, how to take back everything you had pushed aside for so long. âiâm sorry. iâm so sorry. i just didnât want to make a mistake. but now... now iâm terrified that i already have.â
hansol's expression softened, the anger fading from his eyes. it was still thereâlingering, but he was more vulnerable now. more open, somehow. âitâs not too late, you know,â he whispered.
you blinked, unsure of what he meant. âwhat do you mean?â
he hesitated for a moment, then let out a long sigh, leaning his head back against the couch. âiâm not mad,â he said quietly. âiâm just... i was just hurt. i never wanted to be this guy who pushed you away. i didnât want to be the one who made you feel like you couldnât be honest with me.â
âi was scared of losing you,â you admitted, your voice trembling. âi didnât want to ruin whatever this was between us. but i donât want to lose you, hansol. i donât want us to be nothing. i want us to be real.â
his gaze softened, and for the first time, you saw something in his eyes that felt like hope. âyou really mean that?â
you nodded. âyeah. i do. i care about you more than you know. and iâm ready to be honest about it.â
he smiled, but it wasnât the playful grin you were used to. it was differentâmore genuine, more open. âokay,â he said quietly. hansol shifted forward on the couch, his eyes meeting yours, no longer guarded. âthen... be honest with me, okay? letâs stop dancing around it. iâm not asking for anything perfect, just for you to let me in. i want to tryâreally try.â
you took his hand in yours, squeezing it lightly, your heart pounding. âyeah,â you whispered. âi want to try too.â
he gave you a soft smile, one that made the weight of the last few days lift from your shoulders. âgood. because weâve been going in circles, and iâm tired of it.â
âme too,â you said, the words feeling lighter now.
you let out a breath you hadnât realized you were holding, and then you reached out, touching his hand. this time, he doesn't flick you off.
#seventeen#seventeen imagine#svt#svt x reader#seventeen fluff#svt fluff#seventeen x reader#fanfic#svt angst#daisymbin: reqs#seventeen angst#angst seventeen#vernon angst#vernon fanfic#vernon fluff#vernon imagines#hansol vernon chwe#vernon seventeen#seventeen vernon#vernon x reader#vernon x you
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Midnight Monday Snippet đ€đș
Tagged by @ksbbb and @honestlydarkprincess (thank youuu and don't look at the time it took me to post this) so here's the beginning of my new WIP!!
First Chimera!Liam and Scott's Beta!Theo. :))
They all stare at the new guy leaving. Kira and Scott are both wearing a cautious smile while Stiles crosses his arms with a deep frown. His foot taps on the concrete and echoes in the silent night as he starts thinking. Usually just as suspicious as him, Theo looks uncharacteristically dazed. All he can manage with the few brain cells he has right now is to stare with wide eyes as Liam smiles and does a tiny wave at him. Theo can't even bring himself to wave back, he feels flushed all over.
âWell, that was weird,â Stiles says like they were all thinking it.
âWhat was weird?â Kira asks, changing her sword into a belt again.
Stiles gives her a face of disbelief but he sighs when he sees that Scott is just as confused. âThe- H- Him! Liam! Did you see how he just sweeped in at the last second to save our asses? C'mon, we know better than that now. That guy is sus! Theo, back me up on this.â Stiles waits, still staring at Scott and Kira, but back-up never arrives. âTheo?â
They turn and Theo is still staring at where Liam was standing just a second ago, a dumb little smile on his lips and a genuine tenderness in his eyes that theyâve never seen before.
âHim!? Really?â Stiles screams with a very high-pitched voice.
Kira breaks into a bright smile at Theo's soft expression and Scott affectionately taps his friend's shoulder, knowing full well what's going on.
Stiles loses his questionable composure seeing this. âDon't encourage him! I spent three years trying to find him someone! I introduced him to every girl, every guy, every both, and every nothing I could find and he was always âmeh. not for me.â Here I was, thinking he was either the pickiest dude on earth or straight up nosexual! And the first blue-eyed short king he sees, he's gone for? If I had known I would have saved myself the trouble!â
Scott gives him an unconvinced look. âI thought you were pretending to be a wingman to flirt with people.â
âIs it my fault that my generosity and thoughtfulness is very appealing to people? I just didn't want him to be single all his life.â Stiles groans with an eye roll.
Scott frowns. âYou're also single,â he says, confused.
âNot as single as him!â Stiles points to Theo with a scoff.
âMaybe not for long,â Kira says with a singsong tone and a knowing glance.
âYou all skipped the part where I said the new guy was sus, didn't you?â Stiles asks woefully but Scott and Kira are already walking away towards the library, both taking one of Theo's arms and dragging him along. âAnddddd you're walking away. Great! Great talk! Love how we've achieved this level of communication through our years of hardships, guys!â
No pressure tags: @thiamsxbitch @aristarr @hemlocksandfoxgloves @opheliathiams @honestlydarkprincess @ksbbb @cdo499
#new wip whats upppp#as if i didn't have enough! đ#thiam#teen wolf#liam dunbar#theo raeken#stiles stilinski#scott mccall#kira yukimura#first chimera!liam au#theo is just a pining mess in this fic and its so lovely to write#my stuff#this is basically a rewrite of the Talon Guy fight on the first episode of season 5 when they meet Theo for the first time
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I like a good massage. It helps me release all the pent up stress.
When I entered the warm room he asked me to strip and lay down on the table. I tied up my hair and did as he asked. I loved being told what to do, it makes my life easier.
He slowly pours oil and begins to massage my body all through my back, dipping to the side of my breasts. It tickles which causes the towel on my butt to move. "More surface to cover" He comments as he pours more oil on my now uncovered butt. He slowly dips his hands down to my thigh.
"Right there, it hurts so much from working all day"
"Sure ma'am, wherever you say it hurts"
His fingers graze my pussy and he apologizes. It must have been an honest mistake. He must've tried to clean the bit of oil that flowed down my butt onto my pussy. He continues to massage my thighs.
He asks me to move over so he can take care of my chest. Those hurt too from wearing a bra all the time. He sweetly rids me of the pain by flicking over my nipple multiple times. He slowly moves from my breasts to my hips and back to my thighs. I don't question, obviously because I told him it's where he hurts. He dips his fingers on my mound and the edge of my parts.
He slowly massages my clit.
"Is this part of the massage?" I ask confused and aroused. "Yes ma'am it's a full body massage". Hmm.
His fingers dip into my hole slowly and steadily. Was this a part of the package, I wonder, as his other hand works my breast. He seems to seek friction for his cock too with the edge of the massage bed.
"You see ma'am, the fully body massage requires all holes to be covered as well, so your mouth must be open for the rest of this massage" I shrug mindlessly and open my mouth. Suddenly I feel a weight pulsing inside my mouth, I open my eyes to see his fat cock in my mouth.
" you see ma'am at the moment we don't have our necessary tools, we are working on that in the mean time we are required to do this for our clients does it feel good?"
I suck his cock, While I find myself agreeing to his coincidental inconveniences. It must be pretty weird. He did all he could to give me my money's worth. He even used the same technique he did with my mouth in my pussy. It was quite effective.
But as his fingers work my clit and his cock is stuffed in my mouth, I'm confused yet happy
It was a thorough massage indeed.
#bd/sm kink#bd/sm community#cnc fr33use#cnc overstim#corruption kink#d0m/sub#soft d0m#attention slvt#attention wh0r3#cnc k!nk#cnc free use#submisive and breedable#subby puppy#daddy's babygirl#bd/sm daddy#daddy's good girl#daddy's pet#daddy's little princess#daddyâs wh0re#daddyâs babygirl#daddy k!nk#masseuse#dominated slave#dumb slvt#dumb wh0re#dumb puppy#bimbo doll#c0cksleeve#c0ckslut#bd/sm brat
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In August, Pennsylvania announced that it would join several countries and 11 other states in the U.S. to allow residents to change their legal gender marker to X, instead of choosing between M and F. Today, more than 7,000 people in the U.S. alone currently have gender X markers on official identification, though not all states allow the marker on all legal forms.
As groups of intersex, trans, and non-binary people continue the fight for an official third gender option in all states and regions, the experiences of those who have been able to change their gender markers to X differ. While some say the change has been massively affirming, others point out that discrepancy between different forms can complicate things. And still others have been surprised by how little theyâve had to think about it sinceâwhich may just be the best part.
To better understand what itâs like to actually live with an X gender marker, we asked seven non-binary people whoâve made the change what itâs been like for them.
Jack(ie) Colquitt, 22
[When I changed my gender marker], I was finally able to openly proclaim how I see myself and how I want the world to see me, and this marked the beginning of those perspectives being synonymous. I felt validated in such a specific and monumental way, and [it] made me feel free!
It was less difficult [to change] than liberating, but the slight difficulty did come with worrying how people would react. The world is still getting used to the singular âtheyâ and to gender-neutral identities. But thatâs what made it more-so liberating, being able to be a part of a nationwide spotlight being shone on GNC people was euphoric! Itâs a small victory; it was beneficial in that it simply made me feel seen, and thatâs all that really mattered.
Sometimes [people understand what it means], and sometimes they donât. It depends on the people, and itâs sometimes easy and sometimes tedious to explain. But it is always worth the effort. Whoever is out there reading this and thinking about whether or not they should make this decision: if you do it for you, and no one else, it will be one of the best decisions you can make.
AC Dumlao, 28
I changed my NYC birth certificate gender marker to X in February 2019. It affirms my identity as non-binary. It was not difficult to change. The self-attestation form is very straightforward and does not require a doctor/therapist note. I simply affirmed that I am non-binary and signed my name to it, and had a notary sign off on it. I do want to note that there is a financial barrier as well as the barrier of finding a notary that one feels comfortable with. I rarely show my birth certificate, so the change was more personal to affirm myself and because itâs something I could do. I think it will be more significant when New York State Drivers Licenses allow the X gender marker.
Chanlar Rose, 22
I identify as non-binary. I actually changed my gender marker very recently, within the past few weeks. This change was something that I had thought about for awhile. In some ways, I felt that it would give me more validation and autonomy when I navigate through spaces in my city. Iâve found that some people are really confused by it, and often in conversations regarding gender markers, I find that people bring up wanting to know what I, or others that identify like I do, were assigned at birth. That can be pretty frustrating and you can tell that some people donât understand how or why that could be intrusive (because essentially they just wanna know whatâs in your pants). Most of the time people just act like Iâm a woman anyway, unless Iâm in spaces where people are more inclusive. Iâm really happy that I changed my gender marker, because it was mostly about me being authentic and honest with myself and the world.
Aidan Hill, 26
I began the process on January 1, 2018. Itâs important to me to live authentically with the rights and opportunities provided to everyone under this constitution. Since 2017, coming out as trans/non-binary was a pinnacle of my life, leading me to run for Berkeley City Council for the November 2018 election, desiring to become the U.S.âs first legally non-binary public office holder, pushing for the gender marker X through the legal system. Since then, I have recognized the much-needed importance and haste for a third gender marker at the federal level, noting the presidentâs rapid anti-trans and anti-womxn legislation, as well as protecting trans women from being sent to menâs jails.
It has meant the world to me. I feel like the state sees my human complexity rather than just a barcodeâŠlike I can be seen as a third gender rather than asked to fill a binary because of what is in my pants. Iâve suffered much less overt discrimination since the gender marker X has made it into the national press.
I live in a progressive city, Berkeley, [California], so gender is normally seen as a social construct rather than being fixed or held indefinitely. Likewise, gender-neutral legislation is not as controversial here as in many other states and cities.
Most importantly, the gender marker X saves lives.
Charlie Arrowood, 32
I was born in NYC but reside in New York state, so Iâve only been able to change my birth certificate. New York City issues its own birth certificates separate from the state and the state doesnât allow for X gender markers on any state-issued documents yet (a group of advocates is working on that). My birth certificate was one of the last documents I changed becauseâand I think a lot of trans people feel this wayâit felt like the most âofficialâ record. I was reluctant to change it until an X was available, because I didnât want a birth record that told the world I was male. If I couldnât have an X on my birth certificate, I was more comfortable having an F than an M, even if that was not the case for a more frequently-used document like a driverâs license. (When I had an F on my driverâs license, I was often hassled, so I changed it to an M for convenience, though I will change it to an X as soon as that becomes available.) I have a very binary, gender-conforming appearance; it was important to me to retain some vestige or documentary proof that I was not cisgender, but it was more important to me to have an accurate document that showed that I was not male or female. I didnât want the world making assumptions about me based on my gender marker, whether physical, social, or otherwise. The privacy arguments around binary trans peopleâs documents apply to non-binary people as wellâI want to change my documents to maintain privacy about my sex-assigned-at-birth and what my body may or may not look like.
Because I donât use my birth certificate often, it hasnât had a big everyday impact on my life, but it does make me more comfortable when I do have to pull my birth certificate out for some reason. I am especially looking forward to updating my NYS driverâs license when I can. Even though it says M, and that helps me avoid confrontation, the same way being misgendered verbally makes me cringe, I cringe every time I have to show an incorrect ID to someone because it is conveying incorrect information about me. The differing state and city policies also mean none of my documents match, so any time I need to show mismatched documents, there is a risk that one or the other will not be accepted.
Nobody Iâve shown my birth certificate to has asked any questions, but I think thatâs because my gender marker hasnât been relevant under the circumstances. I suspect there might be some questions if I used it to, say, obtain a driverâs license for the first time, and I suspect once I change my license, which I use frequently, it may come up more.
Jay Wu, 25
[Changing my gender marker] meant I wasnât walking around with an inaccurate ID anymore, which was a relief, and it also felt validating to know that a government agency was aware of non-binary gender identities. It was very similar to the regular process of getting a new driverâs license. I just had to fill out a straightforward additional form.
Having an âXâ gender marker has helped me realize that most people donât look at the gender marker when theyâre checking ID. For the first couple of months, I expected to get questions from people checking my ID, but I havenât gotten any. I went through airport security dozens of times last year and didnât have the gender marker questioned once. So Iâm not sure whether people understand what it means. (My friends were, of course, very excited when I showed them my changed ID soon after I got it!)
Noah, 22
My pronouns are they/them in English. Since my native language doesnât have an equivalent to singular-they, I use the pronoun âNâ or âenâ in German. I changed my gender marker this August, but not to X, exactly, because the German third gender marker is called âdiversâ (engl. diverse). So thatâs what my birth certificate says now. Only the gender marker on my passport will be X, due to international air travel regulations.
Having my gender legally recognized is something that I wanted ever since it became clear that there would be a positive third gender option availableâas opposed to just removing the gender marker. The other big reason is that I was able to change my name along with it, without having to pay more than a small fee. It wasnât possible to have a positive third gender marker in official documents up to the beginning of 2019. The law is geared towards intersex folks, but the phrasing is vague enough to allow non-intersex folks to change their gender markers, too. I had to obtain a doctorâs letter stating that I have a âVariante der Geschlechtsentwicklungâ (variant of sex development). The law has been heavily criticized by the German trans and intersex community for the pathologizing nature of requiring people to provide a doctorâs letter. It took me a while to find a doctor willing to write that letter, but after that, I had a very positive experience. The clerk at the registry office almost changed my marker to male, though! I think people are still not that used to the idea of there being more than two genders, even though the legal recognition is here now.
Iâve benefited greatly from being able to change my name everywhere, but many institutions havenât adjusted their systems yet. My bank and phone provider address me as âMrâ now, because they havenât incorporated non-binary options.
The primary ID used in Germany doesnât include gender markers. Theyâre only on passports and birth certificates. The only reaction Iâve gotten so far was from the lady who ordered my new ID and driverâs license for me. She called the gender marker âthe transsexual gender,â which I found odd. German media coverage of the new gender marker has almost exclusively mentioned intersex people, so I would have assumed that to be what people first think of when they see it.
Ettachfini, Leila. â7 Non-Binary People on What Itâs like to Have an âXâ Gender Marker.â VICE, 4 Sept. 2019, https://www.vice.com/en/article/what-its-like-to-have-gender-marker-x-non-binary/.
#op#links#vice media#vice magazine#gender#queer#trans#transgender#nonbinary#non-binary#intersex#genderqueer#x gender#x-gender#third gender#gender marker#legal gender#legal sex#sex marker#sex change#gender change#gender transition#transsexual#transsex#transexual#trans-sexual#gender recognition#gender affirmation#usa#germany
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Unspoken feeling; I miss you.
Isagi x Reader : !! Fluff !! English is not my first language !! Possible mischaracterization !!
Isagi has been a friend of yours since the very first week of highschool. It was tough and maybe just a bit rough around the edgesâafter all, highschool can be overwhelming, especially if you have no clue on what you're doing. Nonetheless, Isagi was there to help soften out your nerves whenever you're feeling anxious about something. Whether it was exam weeks or when you dozed off out of exhaustion and completely forgot to do the homework that was assigned yesterday.
No denying it, Isagi was a soccer enthusiast, his driven passion towards the sport can be a bit contagious from time to time. Isagi offered to teach you some basics, but.. you refused, trying to save yourself from the embarrassment. Isagi was a bit disappointed but he didn't let it linger for long.
Whenever you're not overly piled up with school work, you'd be around the audience surrounding the field, blending in as you watch Isagi dribble his way through his opponents, striking out a point as his teammates jumped him in support for scoring a point in for the team. The smile that beamed on his face was unmistakable every time he spots you in the crowd, never failing to give you a wave.
Though ever since that finals, where he instinctively passed the ball to his teammate, it... unfortunately, resulted in a loss. Isagi was pretty bummed out, especially since they were so close to winning. You tried your best to comfort Isagi, even if you weren't exactly the best with comforting people when it came to sports, but you knew this was his passion and so you tried your best to be there for him.
âThanks for being here,â Isagi sighed, sniffling his words though no tears were visible, but his disappointment was very clear. âI just wished I never passed the ball. We were so close to the win, I wonder what would've changed if I just decided to shoot it instead and be selfish,â Isagi's words poured out before he closed his eyes and just sighed. âSorry about that. I just.. got frustrated. I should be heading back home now.â Before he could fully turn around, he stopped for a second after realizing the time, â..Uh, would you wish for me to accompany you on the way, or..?â
âIt's no problem. I can handle myself. Still though,â giving him a pat on the back, a small, thankful smile creeped through the corner of his lips, âI'm still proud of you, okay? Anyway, yeah.. you should go get back home. I can go on my own.â Isagi smiled, quietly muttering out a small "Thank you" but it was hearable enough for me to crack out a smile. âGoodbye.â
It's been months since I saw Isagi. I should've known that that would've been our final goodbye. I wish I asked him to stay just a bit longer. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss him. I miss the way he laughs and the way his smile reached those blue eyes of his.
With a sigh, I sat on the couch, turning on the TV, I wasn't expecting much since it was probably just gonna be some repeated news from yesterday... Well, as I watched, my hand pressed the remote by accident. I didn't mean to skip the channel, but I was stunned in my seat.
The sports channel.. Isagi? Is that him? Well.. there's really no mistaking that blue-haired color of his and that hairstyle? That was just so Isagi. But where has he gone to? You're telling me he's been gone for months, hasn't attended school, and.. now you're saying apparently he's now on TV? Fulfilling his dreams? ...Well, not that I'd get ahold of that, I'm still hella proud of him, but that doesn't mask out my confusion as to where he has gone to. Surely if he was a star he would've dropped out by now, right? Would he..? I mean...
At least he's alive.
Watching the game, you were a bit surprised by the thrill and anxiety you're feeling through out the game. Whenever his team got ahold of the ball, you can't help but silently cheer for them inside your head. You couldn't help but jump out of the seat after Isagi managed to break the tie just before the timer runs out, marking a winning place on their record against Japan!
You decided to chat him hours after the match ended. You readback through your chats together, and well.. It felt like you've been ghosted, but you decided to shoot your shot anyway congratulating as you silently crossed your finger together, hoping he'd respond, cause.. it'd be really awkward if he just leaves you on delievered...
âHey Isagi, I saw your match earlier against Japan! Congratulations!! Proud of youu like alwayssâ a chat popped up and rang on his phone. It has been forever since he's gotten contact with others.. Blue lock was.. hell, at best, but at least they've got their break! The moment he got back his phones, your chats were immediately the ones he noticed, panicking as he typed, realizing he completely forgot to tell you all about it! âHey!! thank you! im so sorry for leaving you without an explanation. i completely forgot to tell you all about it!!â
âI'm back now and i wont go back soon. Maybe we could meet up? sorry again!â You received the message without fail, feeling relieved that at least he was aware, apologized, and.. well, alive.
Remembering that one ice cream stand you both often went to after school dismissal, you planned on maybe going there with him. Could there be a better place? Definitely. Did you even have enough money to go there? ...Not really. It's really not like you have any allowances left after every commute on the way, and.. greeting a friend you haven't seen in months in an ice cream stand nearby your school wasn't exactly the best place to do that, but hey! It counts! Plus, it's not like Isagi is all that picky anyway...
âSure, do you mind meeting up with that one ice cream stand? The one that we always go to every school dismissal?â Honestly, you couldn't help but wonder if he still even remembers it. How many months have passed by, anyway? Surely wherever he went through wouldn't affect his memories like that, would it?
âSure alright :) lets go thereâ you couldn't help but feel giddy as you read his reply. It was a short text yet it was still very him. At least he didn't seem to change despite all those months.
Isagi waved a hand, the one you always remember whenever he'd see you anywhere on campus. Whether that'd be you watching his game, school dismissal, or when you both pass by each other in the hallway. Perhaps it could've been those months you've been missing him, but you couldn't help but just hug himâyou didn't mean for it to be emotional, yet here we are.
Isagi was a bit startled when he felt your hands envelop him, he hesitantly wrapped his arms around you, but slowly melted into it. âHello, I'm.. uh, sorry again for.. forgetting to inform you," he says as you both pulled away from the embrace.
âIt's alright. I mean, I was a bit worried, but you know.. you're back, you still know me, so.. I'm not entirely mad,â you say, hinting out a light-hearted tone to ease up the emotional tension that you accidentally brought into the hug.
Isagi smiled and chuckled as you both walked beside each other, shoulders touching, the air was light and it felt nice to feel his presence beside you. It gave off the very same comfort of your first meetingâthe one that soothed your nerves and your anxiousness whenever things get a bit stressful.
Chattering out some laughters and stories, Isagi couldn't help but smile whenever he looks at them. He's been gone for months and while that probably wasn't all that long for some people, to him? It was. It felt longer than expected, he couldn't scratch away the feeling if time just slowed down during his time in Blue Lock or if it was because time just seems to tick slower to bore him out due to the lack of presence of his.. âfriendâ.
As they ordered some ice creams, Isagi couldn't help but get his heart to admit how much he missed this. He missed them. A lot. It wasn't just this whole ice cream thing, it was themâit wouldn't feel the same if they weren't here. Isagi quirks up a smile, feeling giddy, as he listened to them ramble about everything he's missedânot that he'd cared, after all, the very thing he missed the most was already in front of him, so he couldn't really care less about anything else. But if it meant getting to hear their voice and thoughts? He all in for it.
As the hours go by, they both take a stroll under the lowering sun as the stars slowly start to appear in the orange hue sky. Both may have realized, but neither of them would mention the way their pinky intertwined with each other...
âI missed you.â
âI missed you, too.â
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Someone once told me to not push myself to write when enthusiasm dies as easily as God died to Nietzsche đ
Love, philosophy as we know it died on that day, not just God (totally got an idea for a philosophical discussion which I will turn into a drabble, ty Nabi). I will say, I appreciate the stab in the front.
I may have said that a few hours ago, but I'm rephrasing myself. The point above stands as long as the death of the enthusiasm doesn't last over three months. Then it's necessary to push yourself to write, even if only to come to the ultimate conclusion. Whether it's something that fulfills you or not.
I know for a fact that the lack of misery in my life is the reason for my lack of verbal creativity. Not saying that happiness is a crime, but in my case, it's the death of the author. Now, giving up (or losing tbh) writing means killing 25% of what makes me, well, me.
The point is, if I don't push myself to write (even though I will find 95% of what I write mediocre), I will either kill creativity that may still be there, or I am just prolonging the inevitable. It's two choices â keep up with this hobby or give up on it completely. The facts are, there are so many creative mutuals with ideas that could be discussed and developed between us (like all those plots you offered long ago), but if I'm just not into writing, there's no point to string anyone along.
Every writer has their own way around this situation, so I guess this is mine. Is this venting? Genuinely can't tell. I don't think it is. This is the situationship.
Thanks for keeping an eye on me, though. I assure you, for the fifth time in my life, I have no idea what I'm doing.
#umbrx#ask#I literally don't have an ask tag for myself lmao#æ°ž scribe's announcement (ooc)#I have this but it's not an ask tag#can you feel my confusion with myself through this?#it's a situationship for a reason#and no I am not being dramatic by 95% being mediocre#I am awfully judgy with myself#you literally could have sent this on discord but ig it's like a mini possible announcement#of possible writing retirement LMAO
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You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.
It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.
#positivity#mental health#mental health support#gentle reminders#this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize)#(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that)#(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view)#i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum#or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true#i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it#but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body#in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have#so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it#i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume#(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle)#hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm.#mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience)#but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore#i'm going to play mahjong about this đ«Ąđ
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I'm gonna continue with the requests later, but I also felt the need to doodle my two PVs with a little bit of gender on the side
They're both still very much genderless, but because not every non-binary/agender person will have the same perception/feelings regarding their gender and won't have the same gender presentation, I decided to mess around with it a little
Hallow is genderfluidv(though after some consideration I realised agenderflux describes them more accurately, but oh well, these labels don't even exist in their story so who cares), they're non-binary but their alignment fluctuates between fem-leaning, masc-leaning, something in-between and neither. They're fine with any terms and pronouns but mostly go by they/them.
Luna is genderfae/transfem, their gender fluctuates between agender and fem-aligned non-binary. They mostly go by they/them and gender-neutral and feminine terms, they're fine with she/her and some neopronouns, but any masculine terms and pronouns are a big no-no for them. Currently, I'm considering making them an enby lesbian, but that might change in the future.
#spooky arts#hollow king au#I swear this is the longest I've ever spent considering what labels would describe a character. I myself have a weird relationship with#labels so I only ever think about what people would a character be into and how their gebder 'feels' like and never go into details#I spent like an hour looking for a term that could describe how I imagined Luna's gender LMAO#Hallow is mostly me projecting. Luna is 75% me wanting to explore a situation where the pure vessel comes out as trans after they're found#out that they're not hollow. And 25% spite for all the people who call them he/him#So you know how some enby lesbians describe their gender as like. The only connection to womanhood they feel is their attraction to women?#That's kind of the vibe I get from Luna. They're enby just very sliiightly titled towards womanhood#They're also a teen and in a scenario where all the different AU hollows interact they'd bond a lot with Hallow as the only other person#who went through the same confusing gender feelings as they are going through right now.#They're kind of like 'man I wish I was a girl sometimes so I could be called princess and wear dresses' 'you know you can just do that#right?' 'I CAN?'#Also even though they're fine with different pronouns I'm still just gonna be using they/them on my blog for them. Bc I know some people#are weird about Hollow's gender and refuse to acknowledge theyre enby or keep misgendering them đ I don't wanna add to that#We give a little bit of gender fuckery to the vessels though. They deserve it.#But yeah I still wanna be clear. Their genders fluctuate in alignment but they're still very much agender/genderless. Please don't treat#them like binary people đ
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#finally met my angeeellll#went on a walk just to spend time with the moon#i was so happy really#i havent seen it in a while đ„șđ„ș#i miss you a lot lately#idk its stupid but i do feel like#ive been like not here the past couple of days mentally#or weeks i dont know#bt release their single and i did not listen to it#but idk why#it just feels overwhelming#and i havent watched older lives either much#i dont know#it's just shittie lately#everything's overwhelming#especially his absence sigh#but i still love BT#all of them#i just really need to sort myself out before jumping into the new era ahaha#the actual album is almost getting released and im really not ready aaaa#itll be so overwhelming#idk what to do lol. Cuz i dont wanna avoid it but i dont think i can immediately listen to it#idk! sorry for the ramble#much thoughts in this tiny exhausted brain lately#Also sorry for the inactivity and all. i have some stuff in drafts but idk. i feel heavy posting them???#its stupid but i feel like its somehow disrespectful to post old content when i know the guys are moving forward??#but of course that's not the case but yes i feel so confused#and really exhausted. im sleepwalking through my life lately honestly and it's not that great đ#but hope itll be better soon#ahhhh. i need to finish school too cuz i cant disappoint the ppl around me. and i cant disappoint myself either
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#extremely discouraged#I was getting help with insurance navigator person#and she was super helpful#we finished the application and I asked if thereâs a way to see my info before I get my card#she asked if I want to see a doctor soon and Iâm like I mean yeah but Iâm waiting to start my case management#she pauses#and then tells me that the medical assistance I signed up for doesnât include case management?????????????#lol okie dokie got it#and then she tells me all these websites and organizations I can go to file a disability#and telling me about these long applications I have to fill out#girl I can barely get out of my bed do you really think Iâm able to sit down and fill out a 200 page form#seriously feel like the only option I have to actually get HELP is going to the emergency room#fun fact I almost went last night - SI thoughts were hitting me hard#but what always always stops me is the moneyâŠ. my parents are already struggling#and me not working is not helping them at all#dad sent me this full time position literally at the place Iâm going for day treatment and I was so confused#first of all I donât think theyâd let a patient work the front desk?? also how am I going to fit full time and this program in#especially when I barely can function and do basic shit (he doesnât know how bad my SI thoughts were or have been but still)#Iâm just bitching now Iâm sorry#I need to do my laundry but now I have no energy or motivation to do anything#want to lay on the couch and through on a show and just chill there the entire day#wrapping myself up in my tortilla blankie so Iâll be a sad burrito :(#shut up rosie
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Stages?
đ
STAGES IS MY BABYYYYY i love writing about grief and loss of self, and how to cope with that. C!Dream is perfect for that type of analysis. It started bc I really wanted a way to explore dream and bads relationship and their similarities. They both lost their families and both believe that what happened to them was mostly self inflicted. there's a lot to explore there. And of course I love rivals duo and also wanted to write a scenario where techno isn't able to repay the favor. And, ya know, healing and growing together is such a good trope.
I already have the first chapter posted on my AO3 but I've written so much for this fic but still never managed enough to finish another full chapter ughhughhuh. I've also posted some of this fic here but there are so many nuggets I've written that I'd love to share (sorry all my excerpts are so long đđ)
"I can barely walk, I can't fight-! I'm helpless. I'm at everyone's mercy and I hate it." His hands are shaking, the pencil moving like a record needleâ up and down and up and downâ in his weak grasp. Dream wants to steady it but can't, hasn't been able since Quackity's first visit, and he hates that too. His body isn't his anymore. It's a malfunctioning tool, but there's no fixing it. No quick repair. There's no fixing him.
Nothing can cure him, not potions, not time, not XD. He's broken, plain and simple. And all that's left is crossed wires.
A hand lays over his own and Dream looks up into Techno's eyes. His hand still tremors underneath the warm grasp, but it hurts less, now.
"You're not helpless, Dream. You're not. You're just changed, and I know that hurts. And I know I can't fix that but let me make it a little easier for you." His voice chokes on the last syllable, the emotion making it crack.
Sweat pools on the back of Dream's neck as he quickly adverts his eyes. A million thoughts run through his head, seeing Techno's care so plainly on display. He can't bring himself to pull away though.
"I don't get it." It's an admission he wouldn't make normally, but Dream wants to understand at least this about Techno, if nothing else. "You've more than repaid the favor, you don't owe me anything anymore."
"Yes, I do." Techno says, so quietly Dream is half convinced he didn't hear it at all, before Techno continues as if he hadn't said anything to begin with. "When are we just going to admit we're friends, Dream? We can be that to each other, you know."
Now, he does pull away, just barely. Their hands touch still, if only slightly, and the contact burns.
"Fine," Techno speaks, not with anger or frustration. "I'm doing it because I'm selfish. I like having you around, and keeping you healthy makes that easier. Not to mention you're skinny enough to be one of Phil's scarecrows. We can hang you out in the fields and you'd scare all the crows off, nice and easy. That's why I'm doing this, for the good of my crops."
Dream furiously ignores Techno's smug smile when that draws a laugh out of him, but it doesn't get rid of the pit in his stomach. Dream knows what happens to his friends.
He doesn't want that for Techno.
#root writes#c!dream#c!techno#c!rivals#rivals duo#dreblr#my BABYYYYYYYY#I had started to write stages when I was going through one of the worst depressive episodes of my life#and every plan and goal I had for myself had gone out the window and suddenly I didn't recognize myself anymore#I had no idea what I was going to do or be or how I would get past it#and it's taken years of struggling and fucking up to even get to a place where I'm comfortable again. where I have room to breathe#i still have a long long way to go and recovery is a huge task#and I wanted to capture all of that into my writing#the confusion hurt defeat hopelessness. the grief of it all. cdream is a really good vector for that#especially the idea that someone as fucked up as him can learn to live again then so can I.#day by day babyyy#Also just realizing ur not who you used to be and ur not who you wanted to be and you can never be either is such a painful feeling#grieving who you used to be and grieving who you almost were. and you'll never be either ever again.#we can never go back we can never go back ect and so on
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grah my head feels like it might explode
#this essay prompt makes 0 fucking sense#love this teacher. fucking hate how she teaches tho#we're supposed to have a rough draft by the end of class tomorrow#okay not too horrible#IF MOT FOR THE FACT SHE KEEOS CHAINGING THE ALREADY FUCKIBG CONFUSING ASS PROMPT#i can write essays about whatever stupid fucking novel you need me to#but myself??#a significant memory i have??? that i learned a stupid fucking lesson from?????#i have like 0 significant memories from before the age of like. 10. and still not all that many after thay <3#should i talk ab how my dad fucking died? would you like that you asshole?????????#what fucking lesson would I have learned from that? dont become a fucjibg alvoholic?#shit i feel like im gonna fucking cry again i cant do this shit#i have the general vibe for each paragraph listed out ill work on it more in homeroom tomorrow#we wont even have the full fucking class for this tomorrow cuz she's a fucking asshole who gives us like five fucking seconds in class per#assignment#fucking hell dude#especially since half the class said they hadnt even started writing by like halfway through our (shortened!) class yesterday#im gonna fucking explode#my stuff#alex is not vibing.#also pjysicially too my dumbass forgot to eat dinner cuz hehe haha omg i can sing and suddenly uts 10 and i havent showered yet and my mom#will be getting home soon so i need to shower then rush my gay ass to bed#which i am in currently.#so im also feeling the forgor to eat feeling too <3
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