#can you feel my confusion with myself through this?

[drunkwhenimadethis]

Almost immediately after deciding to not smoke anymore I conceived of myself as a little frightened caged animal who had been consciously behaving in a very domesticated way for the affection and protection of the humans. Studying Unit 5 of my Italian textbook and one phrase said "Quando mi sento malinconico mangio un po’ di cioccolata" I don't have chocolate but I have coffee with cinnamon which after a long sleep in September is almost the same. I don't think I will be so coy forever. I am going to work through this early-life impression I got that human beings, both with their love and with their hate, also with their confusion and their disattention, will happily bulldoze you so long as they can arrive at the feeling that they want

[sh4wty18]

girl of your dreams - chapter three.

one. | two. | three.

pairing: hockeyplayer!chris x figureskater!reader

summary: you have trouble picking an outfit for chris's party, but your best friend helps you. then, something unexpected happens that leaves you feeling more confused than ever.

cw: rivals to lovers, angst, first person POV, language, alcohol consumption + being drunk

word count: 1.7k + edited

tags: @joeshiestyslover @chrissbluehat @h3arts4harry @wompwomp-1 @cassluvsturn @cl1tlover3000 (if you want to be tagged, comment!)

dividers from @plutism

---

Y/n's POV

I stood in front of the full body mirror leaning against my bedroom wall. My best friend and roommate Gracie laid on my bed across the room, scrolling on her phone as I panic trying on every possible outfit combination I can think of. 

“Ugh!” I grumble, “Nothing’s working. I look like shit!”

Gracie looks up and gives me a goofy smile, “Aww, my darling best friend struggling to pick an outfit for a party was not on my senior year bingo card.” She walks up behind me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, squeezing me tight. “I am so proud of you!” 

I hold her arms and continue pouting into the mirror. “Yeah, well, everyone thinks I’m some uptight loser. I’m sick of it.”

“You’re not an uptight loser. Who told you that? I swear to God I will beat a bitch up!” Gracie shouts, letting go of me and pretending to punch the air next to us. 

I laugh, looking down at my feet. “No one told me that…”

“I can hear the hesitation in your voice. Spill.”

I feel my face burning up, “Well, Chris kind of implied that I don’t like to have fun.”

“Chris Sturniolo?! The president of ADPhi? The dude you’ve been in a random rivalry with since freshman year?”

“The one and only.” I laugh as images of Chris playing hockey this week flash through my mind. He looked so good. I don’t know how I managed to land any jumps this week when everyday I was mesmerized by him. The way he glided across the ice, weaving the puck in between his teammates and coming to a brisk halt before swinging precisely. He’d hit the puck every time, and almost always score. My breath would catch every time too, and I hated myself for it. We aren’t even friend-ly let alone friends! Besides, he’s still insufferable. I still want to roll my eyes every time he talks to me. He’s still arrogant and smug, and sure, his cockiness can be hot sometimes, but the majority of the time it’s just plain annoying. He’s annoying. Everything about him irks me, and yet. And yet…

“Girl? Hello?” Gracie waves her hand in front of my face and pulls me back from my haze. 

“Sorry. I was thinking,” I mumble.

“Yeah, thinking about boning Chris,” she cackles at her own joke, and I playfully swat at her arm.

“Shut up!” 

“Y/n, I’ve seen the way you two argue. There’s no way he’s not into you. It’s kind of hot, when you think about it. The sexual tension, the rivalry. It’s like a fanfiction. Enemies to lovers,” she draws out the ‘r’ in the word ‘lovers’ and waves her hands at me. 

I shake my head with a laugh, even though I can feel my face flushing again. But she’s wrong. There’s no way he thinks of me that way. He’s the president of his frat and the captain of a D1 hockey team. Everyone loves him. “No, Gracie. He just knows how to annoy me because we’ve had nearly every class together for our majors and are co-presidents of Model UN.”

“Exactly! He lowkey knows you better than everyone. Except me of course! But still, that does not give him the right to say you don’t like fun. You’re just focused. I admire you, and he should too. Asshole.” 

I laugh and slap her arm again, “Gracie! …You’re not wrong.” 

She snoops in my closet and pulls out a red lacy top, one I bought on a whim this summer. I don’t know why I even bought it. Three full years of university, and I’ve never once been to a party. I guess I was holding out hope for senior year, that maybe this year I’d have the balls to do something like this. Well, I guess my intuition was correct. She hands me the top, “Wear this,” she says. “It’ll look hot, especially with your black jeans.” 

I take off the pink cami I have on and slip the red one over my head, adjusting my boobs as I do. She wasn’t wrong, it does look hot. My jeans are low rise, they sit just below my belly button. The top is tight, and hugs my waist perfectly. I’m not going to lie, I’ve never felt more confident.

“Shit.” Gracie says, staring me up and down. “If I was Chris, I’d do you.”

I smile, “This isn’t about him.”

“Girl, you and I both know it is. You can pretend it’s just a rivalry all you want, but I’ve seen the way you look at him. You want him.”

“Shut up.” I giggle, and it’s because I know she’s right.

– 

Gracie and I walk up to the ADPhi house around midnight, since Gracie said it’s always better to show up to parties late. I also took a couple shots of cheap vodka with Gracie before we left our apartment, and I could already feel the alcohol hitting. Since I’d only drank a couple times since sophomore year of college, my tolerance is low, so the shots I’d had before we left were already making me feel light and bubbly.

We walked up the front steps to where a couple guys in the frat sat, and they stopped us. 

“Who are you with?” one man asked with a serious look on his face. 

I couldn’t help but giggle, he was acting like a bouncer at a club. “Um, I’m the captain of the women’s figure skating team. Chris invited us?”

He raises his eyebrow at me, like he doesn’t believe me. “Hang on.” He walks inside the house and I turn to Gracie. We stifle our laughs until the guy comes back out with Chris.

He looks so fucking hot. Sorry. He looks good. His hair is messy and his blue eyes are slightly glazed over, so I know he’s drunk too. His stubble frames his face and draws attention to his angular jawline. Fuck, I want to kiss him. 

“Woah, shit. Y/n. I didn’t expect you to actually show up. You look…” He trails off, his eyes tracking up and down my body. “Yeah, come on in, guys.” He smiles and slings an arm lazily over my shoulders. I stiffen, and he lets go. “Sorry,” he says.

“No, it’s okay. I just wasn’t…” He gets called into a crowd of friends, cheering him on to do a keg stand. He saunters to the middle of the room, so confident and cocky, and I know I’m in for it. I want him. Fuck, I really want him. 

Gracie leads me to the dance floor and the music is blaring. We start dancing together and to my surprise, I actually like the feeling. Being tipsy with my best friend and just getting to relax on a Friday night, not worrying about med-school stuff or studying or debate prompts for Model UN… it felt good. 

After a few songs I look around for Chris, but I can’t find him. I wanted to prove to him that I was having fun, just like he’d said this afternoon at practice. God, he could read me. Gracie grabs my hand and pulls me toward the kitchen, where alcohol bottles litter the linoleum countertops. 

“Have another shot with me?” she asks, and I nod. Being here makes me think maybe I was missing out on something all along. Maybe I’ve wasted three years of my life not experiencing my youth, just to keep my grades up. Chris had fun, and his grades were still steller. So why hadn’t I? Maybe he was right. Maybe I didn’t like having fun. 

Gracie pours two shots of vodka and hands me one. We click the glasses together before knocking them back, and I wince at the burning sensation in my throat. 

As we walk back into the living room, where people are still dancing and doing keg stands I ask Gracie, “You’ve been here before, right? I gotta pee, but I don’t know where the bathroom is.” 

“Yeah, just up the stairs and to the right. You can’t miss it,” she replies. 

I make my way upstairs and stop outside the first door on the right. I knock a few times, and when no one answers, I walk in. 

It isn’t a bathroom, though. It’s a bedroom, and on the bed in front of me, lies a very drunk Chris in bed scrolling on his phone. 

“Oh, sorry, I thought this was the bathroom,” I say.

He looks up and smirks, before standing and making his way over to me. “You just can’t stay away from me, can you Y/n?” 

I swallow and back up, but he keeps inching closer to me. My back hits the door, which closes behind me. Chris places a hand on the door next to my head and leans in. His face is so close, I can feel the breath passing between us. It's sweet and alcoholic. I kind of like it. 

“Hmm?” he hums when I don’t respond, like he’s waiting for a reply. 

“I honestly thought this was the bathroom, Chris.” I roll my eyes and scowl at him, even though I want nothing more than to close the gap between us, and shut him up with my mouth. 

He reaches out with his free hand and tilts my chin up to face him. “You are such a bitch,” he says with his classic cocky smile. 

I return his smug look, the alcohol making me even more prone to attitude than when I am sober, which is saying a lot. “And you’re an asshole. I guess we have more in common than we thought.”

“Shut up,” he says, his thumb and forefinger still holding my chin, and I catch him stealing glances at my lips.

I smile, “Make me.” I reach out and grab the collar of his t-shirt, pulling his face impossibly closer to mine, until our parted lips brush together. I don’t know why I do it. The vodka might be playing a role. 

“Fuck,” he whispers. He looks down at my lips one more time before letting go of my chin. “I gotta go,” he moves past me, opening his bedroom door to leave. “Bathroom’s the next door to your right. Pay more attention, Y/n/LN, I coulda’ been rubbing one out.” He winks and offers me one last grin–a real one this time–before walking past me, leaving me standing alone in his doorway as he makes his way back downstairs. 

All I can think as I walk into the bathroom is: what the fuck just happened?

---

i love this fic so much. i have ideas!!! lmk what you think :)

[max1461]

I think the nootropics thing is like, faux-legibility, which is what bothers me. I said I agree with that anon who claimed Western society ("Western society") overvalues legibility, but I think it's more like... Western society ("Western society") loves faux-legibility, metrizability that doesn't correspond to what we actually care about. Because I do like legibility. One of the reasons I don't mind caffeine is that its effects on me feel very legible, phenomenologically. I drink a cup of coffee and instantly I feel a noticeably more awake, maybe a little anxious if I have too much, this and that. The effect is not too strong, like being drunk, which I generally don't like, because it changes too much and is a confusing, illegible experience.

But see, this is all feelings-based, internal. People talk about nootropics and they're like "I take such and such milligrams of lsd every day and I can't really feel anything but I think it's been making me more open-minded overall, I've noticed XYZ improve in my life since I started doing this". And this is like, this is like awful to me. I mean you do you but like. This is faux-legible, you know some dosage numbers but it's not phenomenologically obvious what's happening to you, you're suggesting that this shit is changing your behavior in some diffuse way that you can't pinpoint? Terrifying, baffling that you would do this to yourself. At least if I drink a bunch of coffee and then find myself sitting around worrying about something stupid, I can be like "oh, obviously this is because of all that coffee I just drank, I can tell I am too-many-cups-of-coffee anxious". Like I'm sure drinking coffee has illegible effects too, literally everything you do has illegible effects, but trying to incur that shit on purpose through some kind of complicated scheme where you microdose this and that just seems disquieting.

It's like... studies, right. Studies say that this and that is true, because we did a controlled trial and it was statistically significant. To me this is the worst type of science. Because like, I don't doubt that if you do your experiments and stats well, the results are meaningful. Sure. But why? Why does the thing happen? What is actually going on. No idea, you just did a study. Whereas with physics it's like, ok there's still a philosophical "why" in the most abstract sense but at a more particular level it's like "this magnetic field pushes on this thing and then makes that happen, blah blah", it's like, it's describing this comprehensible sequence of events, that you can understand the workings of. That's what science is for. To me. No wonder then that nootropics is loved by studies guys, by guys who read this and that study and are impressed by it. No wonder that nootropics is loved by such guys, according to me based on my gut right now.

[rocketqueen1989x]

My Axl Rose husband

🎀Axl Rose/reader🎀

(This is from my Wattpad :axlrose17xoxo)

warnings :

age gap , fluff , foreplay , sex references , fingering , dirty talk , smut , soft smut , praise kink , mention of hate , body shaming and cyber bullying , pet names ,mentions of alcohol use and drunkenness

(minors dni ,thank you )

📍: Malibu /California

⏰ : 11:36pm

2024

***

The sound of the heavy rain hitting the window filled my ears as it mixed it in with the sound of the tv that was playing just a few feet away from us

god you can tell summer is over

Jesus

it was so fucking cold

my eyes were glued to the tv as I was watching some true crime documentary

it was actually pretty good

my husband of 5 years was beside me as he was in his phone just dead to the world around him and his eyes clued to his phone

he was too busy flicking through Twitter on his feed page watching funny videos of cats or memes as he would giggle every now and then

my eyes travelled over to my husband and I just watched him as he had a little smile on his face while still looking down on his phone

his hand was on my thigh under the covers as he used his other hand for his phone

his hands were so big and warm on my skin but I could feel the coldness of his ring he had on his ring finger

whenever he would touch me it felt like nothing would hurt me and I was immediately safe no matter what

he was just my comfort zone

my eyes moved to his alarm clock just passed his shoulder and it was getting pretty late now

it’s past midnight and we both need to be up at 7 tomorrow to go to a meeting he has with his management team

Axl must of felt my eyes on him and he looked up from his phone giving me a little flash of a smile

god he's so pretty

his smile , his nose , his eyes , his face , his hair and his body

literally everything about him was just so beautiful

i smiled back and more closer to him as I sat up more beside him leaning back against the headboard of our king sized bed

"you okay ?"

axl questioned me and I nodded laying my head on his broad shoulder

he smelt so good

he's just came out of the shower too and I could smell his soap that he use still lingering on his body

"yeah just tired " I replied and rubbed up and down his tatted his arm slowly and he hummed at the feeling of my touch on his skin

"go to sleep then baby "

Axl said in almost a whisper into my hair as he turned his head to peck my head and I lifted my head up to fully face him now

my hand moved from his arm and I began to stroke up and down his bare chest slowly

his skin was so smooth and soft

just like a feather

"you're so beautiful " I whispered to myself and axl immediately looked at me

"what do you want ?" Axl jokingily with a playful smirk at his lips as he looked into my eyes

"dick" I blurted out trying not to laugh as I kept my eyes on his

he fully turned his body , facing me and brought my thigh over his torso

"you don't need to tell me twice "

he wiggled his ginger brows in a playfully manner making the room fill with my laughter

axl gave me a little smirk before wrapping his hand around my throat gently pulling my face to his as he kissed my lips hungrily

oh okay …

his lips attacked my neck as he moved further down and his hands roamed my body

from my neck , to my clothed tits , my hips then down to my ass as he gave it a slight squeeze in his pale hand

i couldn't help but start to giggle

My husband pulled back with a confused face but he was smiling at me trying to figure out what was funny

"what's so funny ?"

"this is going to hurt but I was only joking babe"

i feel bad now

oops

he gave me a frown with his brows but when he realised I was being serious he gave me a big sigh moving my thigh from his torso and turned his back to me sulking like a child

my laughter filled the room as I flung my head back

i looked to my right and axl was just ignoring me now going back on his phone scrolling through Twitter just like how he was seconds ago

"I'm sorry baby " I giggled quitley behind him as I began to rubbed up and down his pale arm

i giggled more not helping the fact that I knew my little stunt has probably turned him on

axl didn't even acknowledge me and continued just flicking through his feed on Twitter pretending I wasn't even there

"im sorry ,honey "

i don't know about him but I found it pretty funny

"well it's not funny because now I have a hard on " axl said with a little frustration in his voice but at the same time I knew he said it in a playful way too

"No you haven't “ I replied rolling my eyes turning on my back and faced the tv that was showing some quite graphic images of a crime scene

i felt my husband move onto his back too and the covers lifted up. my eyes moved down and he did in fact have a boner

oh

he wasn't lying

his dick now hard in his white boxers

i could see the hard tip just below the elastic of his boxers and it was pretty clear that I could see the long vein coming through in his boxers

i gasped quietly while I covered my mouth trying my best not to laugh

he just looked at me with the 'I told you' face and a grumpy look

"believe me now ? " Axl said with a his brows tinted together , pulling the covers back over his body and turning back around to face the other way now in a mood

i rolled my eyes at his little attitude and sat up on my elbow leaning over his shoulder and looking down at him

"I mean I don’t mind making it go away “ I whispered in his ear moving my hair behind my ear while I moved to his face and started to peck his jawline

he didn't say anything and tried to shrug him off me

moody bastard

i rolled my eyes with a chuckle pulling him back by his shoulder making him lay on his back so his face is facing the clieing

i grabbed his jaw turning his face to me moved and I pulled back giving him a single peck on his lips.

he just looked at me and a little smile crept up on his lips as he looked up now looking at me straight in my eyes

i returned the smirk leaning down again and started to peck his lips over and over again but he didn't kiss back though

"kiss me back " I frown with a tiny pout

"please "

i whispered against his soft pink lips and he indeed kissed me back

i smiled into the kiss as it was a passionate one ,letting my hand move up and rub up his chest

axl let out a satisfied groan onto my lips

he loved when I done that.

that's always even one of his weaknesses

i kissed his lips again but this time it was longer and deeper

i moaned softly into the kiss and I managed to hook my leg over his and I started to stroke my foot up his leg and thigh

"I love you " I whispered against his lips moving now to cheek

i gave him a few more wet little pecks around his cheek until I met his jawline

i licked down his jawline tasting his skin and went to his ear

"let me give you a proper apology love "

his reaction to my touches and words made me smirk as I moved down to his neck and he turned his head giving me more room for his neck

such a gentleman

oh by the way axl always goes feral over neck kisses

he doesn't really like hickeys that's much but he loves giving them to me

if he could he would out then all over my body

i remember one night we both went out to this club , got very very drunk , came back home but by the morning when I woke up my chest breasts , stomach , inner thighs and neck were covered with them

there was two or three on my ass

we must of went at it that night but until this day I cannot recall anything from after that club

i swear it was the shots that did me and also I mixed jack Daniels with vodka and I think everyone knows by now that is a fucked combo to have

but oh well

Axl groaned as my hand moved down further on his body and met his stomach under the covers but as I got more sloppy with the kisses ,I pulled down the white and soft bed covers

i love his body so much

it makes me go crazy. i don’t know how people say he’s ugly , fat and all this other shit

i mean look at him the man is 62 years of age and looks fucking amazing

i wanna live inside of his skin

he's just so fucking sexy to me

i don't care what people say about him

i get people all the time on Instagram and Twitter commenting on my posts or even texting me saying

"he's so old! He's old enough to be her dad "

"I don't know how she hasn't flied for divorce yet "

"he was more attractive in the 80s and 90s than now"

"how do you still find him attractive y/n ?"

shit like that

it pisses me off so much. i mean he is 62 ... he's not going to look 25 forever

it's just so stupid

and I get we have a age gap. he's 62 and I'm 35. I get that but at the end of the day the both of us are fully grown mature adults

he's my husband and has been my husband for the last 5 years

i just simply don't care

I love him and always will

whatever happens.

i mean god forbid if we do break up ,and get a divorce …

i don't care I will always love and have huge respect for him no matter happens

axl doesn't really go on Instagram and I'm glad because I don't want him seeing any of that

he doesn't deserve any of that and certainly not after what he's been through

no way

"I love you " I whispered on his chest moving further down and i tugged on his nipple piercing

axl let out a tiny little whimper looking down watching me as he sucked in his bottom lip

i knew that would get to him

I smirked and licked down his stomach peppering kisses all over his body as I moved his legs apart getting in between . my hand rubbed up his thighs  and my other was on his chest drawing circles with my finger on his skin slowly

my hand moved from his thighs and palmed over his hard dick in his boxers and I felt his dick twitch a little at my touch

"shit" axl groaned lifting his hips slightly wanting more and stroked his fingers through my hair ,putting my hair back from my face and gave me a little smile

I traced my fingers up and down his clothed shaft and I could feel his vein on his dick through his boxers

it turned me on so much

i thought I was sleepy a few moments ago but now I was wide awake , horny and I needed him

very very badly. i need to taste him

"stop teasing sweetheart "

i smirked looking up at him and made eye contact as I pulled down his boxers and his spring out right in front of my face

nearly hitting the end of my nose

A little groan escaped his lips and I knew the teasing was getting a little bit too much for him now hence why some of his pre cum was leaking from his tip and down his shaft

he was so thick and he looked bigger than usual too for some reason

but I ain’t complaining about that

"y/n please " axl whimpered brushing the pad of his thumb down my cheek and across my bottom lip

to be honest it sounded so hot when he whimpered

that was one of my weakness

his whimpers were so sexy

i grabbed the bottom of his shaft with my hand and started to kiss up it

axl watched me intently not taking his eyes from me

i loved when he watched me

it was so hot

i hummed and swirled my tongue on his tip collecting his pre-cum from his tip and wrapped my lips around the head

i gently started to suck on the pink head

little moans fell from his lips as I began to Bob my head up and down on his tip and eventually started to take more of him in my mouth

"fuck" axl hissed from above me and his head fell back onto his pillow

one of hands were on the back of his head while his right hand was holding my hair back in a messy pony tail to make sure my hair wasn't any trouble as I made love to his dick

his hand was on the back of head guiding me as his long fingers rubbed on his scalp

"mhmm just like that "

his voice sounded so deep and sexy

I looked up at him through my lashes and batted them at him while i continued to suck. His head was still back on his pillow and his eyes were closed just taking in the pleasure I was giving him

I felt the tip of his cock hit the back of my throat and pull back just a little trying not to gag so soon

"mhmmm" I heard him whimper and that's just motivated me to take him even more deeper and that's what I did

i sucked a little harder now and took him deeper now deep throating him

his legs bent and his feet were on the bed and his hips lifted a little as he let out a very loud-ish moan

gawking and squelch noises were coming from my mouth every time his dick hit the the back of my throat and my nose was touching his pubic hairs

saliva was running down my chin only making him more closer as now etched from his point of view

I moaned around his member only adding more pleasure , pushing him too the edge as I bobbed my head faster

his toes curled and the grip on my hair was getting tighter and tighter

"b-baby baby " he repeated but I didn't stop but i felt him push me back a little on my shoulder indicating to me to stop

I came off his dick with a 'pop' sound

i looked up at him with a little innocent smile as I batted my lashes again at him

"ride me ,I wanna cum inside of you”

i made my way back up to his face and he grabbed my throat a little tighter this time but not too tightly were he would choke me and cut off my breathing

our lips touched and he gave me the nice but most sloppiest kiss known to man

as we were making out he moved me to so I was straddling him and I felt him lift up my night gown lightly and I was already naked under there anyways

i had nothing on

his fingers traced my inner thighs and his middle finger found my pussy

i was so wet it was actually quite bad

I pulled back and moan fell from my lips as I felt his middle finger run up my slit and to my entrance circling around it making little moans come out

axl pressed me back onto his lips and his tongue was dominating mine as our lips moved in sync

i gasped as I felt his middle finger enter me and he immediately started to pump it in and out of me slowly but he picked up the pace rather quickly

“already so wet and I didn’t even touched you “

those words made me moan hungry and wanted more

the rockstar quickly added a second finger which was his ring finger and he curled them inside of me and pressed onto my g stop doing the same movement in a very fast pace

god his fingers were like magic

I pulled back fully now sitting fully on his fingers while moving my hips adding more pleasure

"mhmm ,does that feel good ?"

i nodded frantically ,nodding my head head and my nails dug into his chest slightly

soon enough the pulled the digits out and I felt his tip at my entrance

Axl slowly moved the tip up down going in between my folds collecting all my juices from my heat. As he continued to do this a couple times the tip pushed against my clit

i bit my lip with a loud moan looking down at him and he was already looking up at me and his eyes roamed my naked figure above him

"you're so wet ,baby"

axl groaned and as his tip hit my clit a couple of times more letting even more moans lewd from my lips

without a warning his tip was at my entrance and he pulled me down by my hips

pushing into me loud gasps left both of our lips and our heads went back . my walls stretched around him and sucked him in deeper until I fully seated on him

i couldn't help but start moving straight away. i rocked my hips back forth and whimpers left my lips as I brought my head back up properly to look down at him

"good girl ,you’re such a good girl for me "

i whimpered at his words and he kept talking ,driving me more crazy inside

“keep going , just like that sweetheart”

axl instructed with a soft tone dominance filling his voice as he talked to me. he watched me roll my hips back and forth and I circled my hips lightly knowing he likes that

axl moaned and so did I but mine were more high pitched than his.

As I did that his manly hands lifted up the rest of night gown pulling it off my body and dropped to the floor on his side of the bed

now I was fully naked on top of him and he fully naked under me now with the bed covers pushed at the bottom of the bed dying to fall off

he looked so fucking hot. His chest was a little red from were I stuck my nails in his skin , the vein in his neck was more clear and little beads of sweat started to appear on his forehead

his chest panted up and down as I started to ride him fully and started to bounce up and down slowly

"good girl ,just like that " he praised me which only wanted me to go faster

Axl bit in his bottom lip looking down stopping at his dick slowly disappearing in and out of me as I moaned his name

his eyes traveled up to my tits as they bounced a little faster as I started to pick up the pace

"Axl" I moaned and pressed down on his chest going faster and keeping balanced which this only made him let out a a throaty deep grunt

his hands went to my hips pressing me down as he started to thrust up matching my rhythm

I moaned louder putting my head back as we found and matched the rhythm

I moaned but it came out like a whine as he kept hitting that magical spot inside of me

i could tell I was already close as his tip kept hitting it , hitting it and hitting it

"Axl " I whined digging my nails into his chest and I moved them up to his shoulders leaning over him and he grabbed my throat making me look into his eyes

"are you gonna cum for me ?"

i gasped as he stopped me from moving ,holding my hip with one hand as he thrusted up faster into me now fucking me

a harsh slap was landed on my ass and I let out a squeal as he slapped my ass again even harder

my moans got louder as he lifted his head up from the pillow and latched his lips onto my neck

"AHHHH" I screamed holding onto the headboard as I started to feel my orgasm about to burst and explode out of me

He knew I was close and only went faster he grabbed both of my hips and pressed me down on his dick

I just screamed out with pleasure , my nails clawed down his chest as my legs trembled on either side of him

"hold it " axl snapped grabbing my throat and my head fell back as my eyes rolled back into my head ,my toes curled and my nails just dug deeper into his pale skin

i tried my best to hold it but I felt juices dripping out of me into his dick

"I said hold it " my husband snapped again and slapped my ass three times in a row , I squeezed my eyes shut as my legs shook and my back arched

he waited for around 5 seconds and then

"Now"

was all he said and I did like he told me to

I let out a moan type of scream as my body trembled and I cried out in pleasure

his name rolled off my lips and echoed through our shared bedroom and he repeatedly pounded up into me chasing his release

but that’s not until he found it and his seed painted my walls

"AHHH FUCK " axl let out a loud deel grunt and his back arched lightly and his head went back

i whimpered as his dick twitched inside of me and I let out little whines and whimpers still getting over my orgasm waiting for it to die down

"oh fuck fuck fuck " his hands gripped my ass cheeks

god there's going to marks there tomorrow for sure

i weakly fell to his chest and my head went on his shoulder as I panted in his neck

"holy shit "

our pants were both in sync and my eyes were closed ,my legs felt so weak and my inner thighs were already feeling a little tight

a pair of lips lightly kissed me on my forehead and I pushed my face further into his neck as I calmed down

his hand started to rub up and down back to my ass as he rubbed over were he had been slapping just seconds before

there's definitely going to be bruises there no doubt

"I love you " my heart melted and I smiled

"I love you too " I whispered and he grabbed my jaw pressing his lips onto mine in a very loving but passionate kiss

i pulled back moving the hairs from his sweaty forehead and I laid there on top of him just kissing him for a couple more minutes and I got off him gently

he laid me down next to me and rubbed up his thigh trying to calm down my shaky legs

god my legs were going crazy

he really did fuck me good. I mean he always does

"mhmmm" i hummed feeling his body on mine

we were facing each other and our legs were tangled underneath the bed covers and he moved his head into his chest and his face went in my breasts

his arms were protectively around me holding me close to me and my arm was wrapped around his neck as I played the back of his head with his strawberry blonde hairs

"baby ,don't you need to set your alarm ?" remembering again he needs to set his alarm for us to wake up tomorrow for this meeting with his management and team

"ax ? " I whispered again and gently tapped his shoulder while kissing his forehead . I was waiting for a reply back and pulled back looking down to see him knocked out

he was asleep soundly and I could hear his breathing more relaxed and calm now

his arm was tightly around me as he hugged me close him. his face was in my breasts still and I felt his little breaths on my skin as he breathed

he looked so relaxed and peaceful

i reached behind me and seen my phone laying there on the bed. I grabbed it and set my alarm for him knowing he probably hasn't set his

i put my phone on charge and I moved lightly as I reached over putting it on the nightstand and I heard groan in his sleep

"shhh ,goodnight my love "

[glitchxinthematrix]

IRREDEEMABLE

Part 4

Love, a concept so complicated to even grasp and yet, every single soul in the universe end up craving it. I have had my share of the cravings, but, news flash, it all resulted in me being left alone stranded. So the concept is now hid safe inside a box. buried deep down somewhere inside, and at times like these I hear the faint screaming it does from the suffocation, all for some acknowledgement. And now, Geto, Love? The one minute he stared longer? Gojo's words kept replaying in my head on my way to find Suguru.

I wouldnt run my thoughts any deeper into this, i mean why should i? what did he do about this? how long has this been going on, and ,oh fuck , thats a pillar and my head is gonna raamm into-, wait no its soft, wait its a hand, a familiar one, shit-

I slowly raised my head to see geto by the vending machine with one can of his favourite drink and the other hand as a barrier to my head and the wall. and yet he doesnt frickin spare me a look, why te hell is his head stooped so low.

Walls are everywhere these days huh?,the audacity to joke around right now without even meeting my eye.

"So youre not even gonna look at me?" I blurt out, unexpectedly helpless in my delivery.

As I see him lift his head up very reluctantly and struggle, i find myself doubting everything gojo previously said, miutes ago.

"Whats up y/n". THE NERVE.

"Didnt take you to be a fuckboi Suguru Senpai, following your best friend's steps is it?"

With a confounded expression I saw him squint his eyes and , well that should be a question then.

"You never called, Geto".

His eyes bulged a bit like he wasnt expecting me to care about the things that we did yesterday. I saw him mumble something under his breath while maintaining the good old strained eyebrows.

"What, you dont care about how i feel now that you slept w me?"

I see his expression waver into immediate shock that desperately needed to set some things straight.

"Y/n..you don't know what you're talking about.. please".

No amount of strained expression from him is helping this mixed signal facade that's happening to me. He takes a deep breathe noticing my baffled expression.

"I do. i do care, more than I've done for anyone else. its just.. by the time you were asleep in my...in my arms, gojo had texted. Soo..it worked. Everything worked out. As intended. Or it didnt, and he came to his senses maybe,finally,else, it doesnt make sense. it makes zero sense. i mean why the fuck would someone not know how to treat you? to treat you shouldnt come as a chore or a result of some challenge, its as natural as breathing air, and idk what was with him all this while, but im sure he realises now, so give him a chance, he'll treat you better I'm sure."

"Is that what you want?"

"What..why..why would it matter, what I think" he visibly gulps, confused.

"It matters to me geto, if you care about me, to know that you like me, I don't know geto you messed with my head, I can't get you out of it...i broke up with gojo."

"What..wait. what?" His face couldn't contain the emotions that rollercoastered through his mind.

"Just say it geto, fucking say it. Do you or do you not like me. Shit, why am I even doing this? " I steer away on my heel as an attempt to hide the tears that are about ruin my mascara, until I feel an immediate grab on my wrist, the same soft hands.

"y/nnn, y/nn....how do i tell you this...you have no idea. not a thing. the way i have craved for you, to be with you, the way i have literally felt my blood boil seeing the way my bestfreind treated you. you have no ideaaa. please dont torment me any more than this, shit im sorry, i know, its not your fault. hell you had no idea how i felt. its just. all you had to do was exist ynnn. the way you aree, the way you smile, hold the hemm of gojos shirt when he failed to pay you the attention you more than deserve, the way you gently hit shoko on her shoulders when you laugh, the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, the way and fuck the way, the way i saw you yesterday, every inch of you, its etched in my memory, by choice. Fuck, I need some water"

I couldn't contain the happiness that bloomed inside me and I had to do something crazy because he looked just too cute.

" for now i can help you moisten your lips I think", I stand on my toes to reach his open mouth, so confused and wary and place the timid but hungry kiss on it, but within seconds he makes sense of things and grabs me by my waist only to land a kiss that lasted longer than the hourly bell that rang twice or thrice after that.

"Aaargh, this...you're tempting me to do something irredeemable again" he breathes with a glistening red lips messy with the stray tints of my lipstick.

"Let's redeem through it this time then."

The smirk on his lips right then looked more promising than ever.

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 19: Lil' Beethoven (Ride 'Em Cowboy)

First of all, let this very important fact be known: the love I have for all three albums in the Lil' Beethoven trilogy cannot be overstated. I think I can safely call them my favourite pieces of art ever made. You know, when you look forward to something and it not only lives up to all your expectations but it's also just SO SO much more? Something about this neoclassical / dada / deconstruction of pop music / whatever-you-should-even-call-it approach is absolutely PERFECTLY suited for my tastes, and I didn't even know I was looking for something EXACTLY like this until I found it.

I think the circumstances of my first hearing of this album are pretty funny and something I got pretty lucky with actually (I often think about this with Sparks in general, as much as I wish I've known about them sooner I also do feel like they appeared in my life when I needed that the most. But anyway.) I was very eagerly looking forward to hearing it and finally seeing for myself what the genius of this album is all about. But I insisted that I can only do it through a physical format because yesss, let's make it even more *special*! The moment I've been waiting for! So yeah let's gooo, I need to wait until my CD arrives in the mail (that was one of the longest weeks of my life). And then I started to wonder, well, maybe I actually won't like it that much. To hype myself up to this extent and then be severly dissapointed - would have sucked!

Well, I was NOT dissapointed. Instead I was perplexed, confused, but also very intrigued and quite, ok not just quite, *completely* amazed already. That was the initial reaction and I think it's a rare but very beautiful moment when this happens - no need to *fully* grasp it right away, but enough to be all like "oh that was SOMETHING. I need more." As I said after that first listen (and I actually have my whole LIVE reaction to hearing LB written down lmao, that's how much of a big deal this was for me), I felt like it actually has to grow on me a bit still, gradually but surely with each next listen, rather than the 1st listen being THE prime listening experience. And that was very true! But it wasn't even gradual, it was very fast, seriously. And something very important that stood out to me right away too were the melodies - something about them, and that continues into HYL and ECOTD too. It's this classic feeling of: this always existed, or at least it feels like I've known it for years already. And as I listen more and become more familiar with them the magic still grows.

It's of course no coincidence to me that an album that relies so much on extreme levels of repetition is so addicting, even hypnotising. And once upon a time I thought that I couldn't like something that's too repetitive and therefore could be considered monotonous or "predictable". But nothing is predictable about LB actually. (Besides... ok, I'll get to that one bit later). But yeah, it's good for the brain. And it's been said before by others but this music definitely has this certain neurodivergent appeal thanks to all this, and, well, I love that aspect of it so much and I definitely relate to it on some level that goes even deeper than just song topics and instrumentation choices. It's in the structure and the fundaments of it all too.

I legally can't finish this without a dedicated paragraph to the 2004 Live In Stockholm performance because HOLY SHIT. Feeling so lucky again that all three of these albums got this treatment and we have recordings of these half-concert-half-performance-art pieces that we can now marvel at. I will say that like, a pretty big part of the sum of the appeal that LB has as an album is stored in this show and its visual and narrative elaboration on its themes. And also it's just so fun to watch! Sometimes I thought about how this might be an even better introduction to LB / this era of Sparks / Sparks in general than the actual album but well, never had a chance to test that and you know. Maybe shouldn't recommend Sparks with one of the most leftfield things there is to be found from them. Either way, very good, very important, felt like experiencing the power of LB for the first time all over again.

So now, please hear my exact reasonings for why I so deeply love (almost) every single one of these songs......

The Rhythm Thief

NO song made such a big impression on me the first time I heard it as this. I might have gotten more used to it after all this time but man, The Rhythm Thief, you will always be the realest one to me. This is what made me look forward to the whole album so much and convinced me that it would be like nothing else I've heard before. And that turned out to be so very beautifully true!

How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?

I could listen to this one a hundred times in a row over and over and not get sick of it one bit. That's it, idk what else to add, beautiful and ethereal in every way

What Are All These Bands So Angry About?

Mostly I just want to direct everyone's attention to the bridge section, at the 2:26-2:52 time mark, which as far as I can say is the most heavenly piece of music ever made. Feeling like that Winnie The Pooh soul leaving his body gif each time I hear this

I Married Myself

Aromantic anthem, to me. Not that much to say actually but it's just, a very sweet and pretty song even when it might be taken as just this sort of ironic piece, I think it's this situation where a song can be taken more or less literally and it doesn't lose anything, rather the sincerity takes on a new sort of meaning? Because yes, maybe this hyperbolic situation (marrying yourself) COULD be the solution to the heartbreak of failed relationships. Ever thought about that??? Ok, stopping right here and leaving my I Married Myself analysis for another day

Ride 'Em Cowboy

My mind is blank on this one suddenly. But it's so good believe me. I love it a lot. It just has this LB spirit that makes it very addicting to listen to

My Baby's Taking Me Home

This was sort of the first Sparks song I've ever heard, or maybe that I quote-unquote purposefully listened to, and I think that's pretty important considering that it was the moment that ultimately lead to... all this. This song has always been incredibly beautiful and powerful to me, but lately it just makes me emotional to an extent that makes it hard to listen to most of the time. I WOULD sell all my material possessions for even one chance to experience this song live by the way

Your Call Is Very Important To Us. Please Hold

Earns soooo much as a live version, but even without that I think it's genius in the same way as The Rhythm Thief, and maybe the most disquieting piece here overall... If we ignore the next one maybe

Ugly Guys With Beautiful Girls

Sitting there hearing the intro of this song all like "huh, this is so chill and calm... too calm..." and then being hit with, well, everything that's going on in this song afterwards was truly THE MOMENT back in the day (and re: the predictability thing. idk though, it's not like, really an issue). Later on I decided that this sort of narrative nature of the song makes it have less replayability value than the rest (???) but I abandoned that opinion soon enough, thank god. I love it how long it took me to realize that this song and the ending of MBTMH are the only times when drums appear on this entire album (I mean no, I'm not very proud of that fact actually, as the self-proclaimed biggest LB fan in my area. And The Rhythm Thief literally saying "say goodbye to the beat"... come on man). So yes, sometimes less is more! I adore this song now it's such a treat I would gladly terrorize my neighbours with it

Suburban Homeboy

Ok, I'm sorry Suburban Homeboy fans but this is the only song here that I'm not a HUGE fan of. I still think it's brilliant and an incredibly fitting ending for the whole thing - the mood whiplash is amazing as this is the only "vaguely happy sounding" song on here, per my words from months back. And what's better than yelling WE ARE THE SUBURBAN HOMEBOYS! (I'm actually awaiting today's Sparks karaoke rating reveal very impatiently lol the reveal happened before I posted this and I'm very happy about it)

One more actually, a quick word on Wunderbar because it gave us two things that we might have not been able to do without: 1) this whole album actually (the fact that LB exists because of Wunderbar giving the Maels the idea to continue meddling with this style. Up there as one of my fav pieces of Sparks trivia) 2) anddddd the 21×21 performance of it of course

[666writingcafe]

Greed (Part One)

Author's Note: Welcome to season two of Nightbringer. Things are about to get real interesting around here.

MC

Barbatos has prepared a bunch of fortune cookies for us as thanks for helping with the final touches of RAD before the opening ceremony. One of them has a coin inside that he swears is lucky, so inevitably Mammon's tearing through them at a pace nearly rivaling Beel's.

Amidst the chaos, I manage to grab a couple cookies and crack them open. The first was empty, but the second...

The glint of the coin catches Mammon's eye, and before I can put it in one of the uniform pockets, he snatches it from my hand. Once the others catch on to what just happen, they begin berating Mammon for stealing from me. He then protests, claiming that the coin is his and that he's not going to give it to anyone else, not even to me.

But the sound of everyone's voices gets drowned out by the one inside my head. Yes, it's irritating that Mammon yanked the coin right out of my hand instead of asking if he could have it or, at the very least, take a closer look at it before giving it back to me. In that regard, it makes sense that I feel upset.

But not this upset. At the end of the day, it's just a coin. I'm sure Barbatos could find another one if I asked him to. There's no need to fight Mammon over it, and yet the urge to do so grows exponentially greater with each passing second. It's my coin, not his.

I quietly excuse myself and walk out of the castle's parlor to a spot in the less noisy hallway. Once I've sat down on the ground, I close my eyes and try one of the meditation exercises I was taught so long ago in order to clear my mind. As the brother's attendant, it would be highly improper for me to cause or add onto a scene, and I'm not about to embarrass myself in front of everybody by exploding at Mammon.

"MC?" Satan's voice cuts through the relative silence. "Is everything okay?" Keeping my eyes closed, I shake my head.

"Do you want to talk about it, or do you need to be left alone?" He probably felt my anger drastically spike and decided to check in on me, which I do appreciate. It shows that he's taking some of our lessons to heart and wanting to help others navigate through their wrath. Even if it's just me he's doing this with, it's a start.

"I'll be okay in a few minutes," I respond. "I just needed to get away from--"

"As long as I have this coin, the money's gonna come rolling in. Piles and piles of sweet, sweet money!" Great. Just great. "C'mon world, bring on the good luck! Hit me with that cold hard cash! Gobs and gobs of moolah, rainin' down on the Great Mammon!"

Whatever anger I'd managed to dissipate comes back ten-fold, and I can't decide whether to bang my head against a wall or to lunge at Mammon, demanding he give me back my coin.

Or worse.

"Give me your hand." Lucifer's stern enough that I'm able to follow his simple command. I find myself squeezing his hand as soon as I'm back on my feet, and the momentarily pained look in his eyes suggests that I'm causing him some discomfort. However, he seems to take it in stride, for he doesn't say anything about it as we begin walking.

At first, we're keeping up with the other brothers as we leave the castle behind, but then we approach a fork in the road. They go one way, and we go the other.

"They'll be fine," he explains once we've put some distance between us and them. He must have caught the confused look on my face but didn't want to tip off the others. "At least for a little bit. Satan's in charge until I return from dropping you off at the cabin. Consider this a mandatory vacation from work."

"But--"

"I will ensure that your duties are covered in your absence, but this is not up for debate." Abruptly stopping, he lets go of my hand, only to turn around and put both of his hands on my shoulders so that he's looking directly at me.

"Please understand that I'm not doing this to punish you, MC." His voice has gotten softer. "I know you were trying your best to maintain control, and I appreciate you resisting the urge to attack my brother. However, you were very close to snapping, and I don't know what would have happened if I didn't step in when I did." He sighs, briefly glancing down at the ground.

"I care about you and want to keep you safe. I don't know why this is happening to you, but I can at least ensure some amount of protection if you're staying with Solomon. That won't be the case at the House, especially if these outbursts keep happening."

I don't remember where or when I read this, but freshly-born demons go through something similar to a human's puberty, except most of it occurs on a magical level. So, Lucifer's concern is valid, because if this is them going through their puberty, it's going to be very difficult for them given their status as Avatars of Sin. The last thing anyone needs is for me to get caught in the crossfires of that.

After all, I can't return to my timeline if I wind up dead in this one.

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr, @tenkobitch, @budbuddnbuddy

[trulyumai]

meeting the golden rays

—pairing: Godwyn the Golden / reader

synopsis: accidentally stumbling upon the library, the lord comes across you. since then, he’s been smitten.

—warnings: nooooone. fluff!

a/n: another request fulfilled! thank you anonymous.

enjoy!

The grand library of Leyndell was a sanctuary of knowledge, its towering shelves filled with ancient tomes that told the stories of the Lands Between. As the Keeper of Knowledge, you spent your days immersed in the whispers of history, the aroma of aged parchment filling the air. you worked tirelessly, day and night. even opted to sleeping in said room every now and again just to fulfill the needs of the order.

One.. particular afternoon, as you meticulously sorted through a stack of books on the expansion of the Erdtrees, the heavy wooden door creaked open. You glanced up, surprised to find Godwyn the Golden just standing there, a look of embarrassment on his pale face.

“Oh! Apologies for barging in!” he blurted out, his voice carrying a hint of panic. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Although he was a man of high stature the walls and corridors still confused him. not used to such a vast amount of entry ways, godwyn decided to go exploring. and now he was here.. bothering a knowledge bearer no less.

Caught off guard by the presence of such an esteemed figure, you felt your cheeks heat up. “N-No, it’s alright, my lord! I was just… um… working,” you stammered, scrambling to regain your composure. Your fingers gripped against your dress, meticulously working against the soft material before the man nodded his head.

What do you do… what do you say to such a figure of the order?!

In a moment of sheer impulse, you recalled a fact that had intrigued you earlier. “Did you know that the Moonlight Flower only blooms under the light of the full moon? It symbolizes the cycle of life and death in the Lands Between!”

Godwyn paused, eyes sweeping from the mirage of books to your smaller form. his expression shifted from surprise to amusement. He chuckled instantly. the sound warm and inviting. “I had no idea! I suppose even a prince can learn something new about the world.”

His laughter was infectious, and you couldn’t help but smile back, the tension in the room dissipating. “It’s a beautiful flower,” you added, feeling a little bolder. “Some say it even has the power to guide lost souls.”

“Perhaps I should seek it out,” he said, leaning against a nearby shelf, his golden armor gleaming in the light. “I could use a little guidance myself it seems.”

- - -

As the days passed, Godwyn became a regular visitor to the library, each encounter filled with laughter and light. He would share stories of his training and the weight of his responsibilities as a member of the Golden Order. In return, you offered insights and facts about the history and flora of the Lands Between, each exchange weaving a deeper connection between you.

One evening, while you both poured over an ancient text about the Golden Lineage, your fingers accidentally brushed against his while reaching for the same passage. Both of you froze, an apology already bursting out of your lips

“My lord!” you exclaimed, pulling your hand back as a blush crept across your face. What have you done, what have you— “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine,” Godwyn replied, interrupting your stammering. a shy smile breaking through his surprise as he brushed his hair back with a light flick.

“I didn’t mind, such a lovely lady can touch me anytime she pleases, hm?”

What? You had to have heard him wrong.

As you both tried to resume your reading, the tension lingered, and you found yourself stealing glances at him. He caught your eye, smiling back at your flustered form with newfound confidence. His arm came around your chair, finding home upon the back of the wood before he leaned in once more, asking about Erd Flowers.

- - -

One fateful day, as dusk fell over Leyndell, you climbed a rickety ladder to retrieve a particularly old tome from the top shelf. “Just a little higher,” you muttered to yourself, stretching for the book. Suddenly, the ladder snapped, it wobbled dangerously, and you felt yourself tipping backward.

Godwyn, who was just walking in with a sack of goodies (most likely flowers and plants from his outing) bolted forward with protective purpose

“Careful, my love!” Godwyn shouted, panic surging through his voice. He dashed forward, arms outstretched, and caught you just in time. You fell into his embrace, the world around you fading into a comforting blur.

“Are you alright?” he asked, his golden eyes wide with concern.

“I.. think so ,” you replied, it came off as a question, as your hair tangled itself upon his armor. breathless from both the fall and the closeness of his presence you looked up, gasping at the man looking sternly down at you.

“What have I told you? Only in my presence can you climb on that absurd thing!” And although he was mad, fuming with impatient worry, you felt giddy, happy to be the stem of the man’s attention.

Without even thinking your neck strained upwards, a light kiss graced the man’s cheek and you pulled back quickly. Like a fire had spread out across your pink lips.

His eyes widened in shock, a deep blush already blooming across his face. “I—uh… that’s—” he couldn’t even remember what he was talking about. Only seeing you, and your flustered face, messy hair.

“I’m so sorry, godw— my lord!” you stammered, insulted by your own boldness. “I just wanted to thank you and— and you were really upset so I didn’t know what to do and.. and—.”

A hand, big and warm covered your mouth. his voice rang out shakily yet with dear earnest. “It’s.. alright. I liked it.”

“You did?”

He hummed. “I did.” His gloveless fingers swept away the hair that matted the front of your face. You could see him clearly now. Him and the loving stare that graced his features.

“Did you know erd leaf flowers are remembrance’s of—“

“Light,” Godwyn laughed, deep and warm to the core.

“Yes, love, I did.”

[aurorxaeternitatis]

Someone once told me to not push myself to write when enthusiasm dies as easily as God died to Nietzsche 👀

Love, philosophy as we know it died on that day, not just God (totally got an idea for a philosophical discussion which I will turn into a drabble, ty Nabi). I will say, I appreciate the stab in the front.

I may have said that a few hours ago, but I'm rephrasing myself. The point above stands as long as the death of the enthusiasm doesn't last over three months. Then it's necessary to push yourself to write, even if only to come to the ultimate conclusion. Whether it's something that fulfills you or not.

I know for a fact that the lack of misery in my life is the reason for my lack of verbal creativity. Not saying that happiness is a crime, but in my case, it's the death of the author. Now, giving up (or losing tbh) writing means killing 25% of what makes me, well, me.

The point is, if I don't push myself to write (even though I will find 95% of what I write mediocre), I will either kill creativity that may still be there, or I am just prolonging the inevitable. It's two choices — keep up with this hobby or give up on it completely. The facts are, there are so many creative mutuals with ideas that could be discussed and developed between us (like all those plots you offered long ago), but if I'm just not into writing, there's no point to string anyone along.

Every writer has their own way around this situation, so I guess this is mine. Is this venting? Genuinely can't tell. I don't think it is. This is the situationship.

Thanks for keeping an eye on me, though. I assure you, for the fifth time in my life, I have no idea what I'm doing.

[uncanny-tranny]

You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.

It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.

[nonuggetshere]

I'm gonna continue with the requests later, but I also felt the need to doodle my two PVs with a little bit of gender on the side

They're both still very much genderless, but because not every non-binary/agender person will have the same perception/feelings regarding their gender and won't have the same gender presentation, I decided to mess around with it a little

Hallow is genderfluidv(though after some consideration I realised agenderflux describes them more accurately, but oh well, these labels don't even exist in their story so who cares), they're non-binary but their alignment fluctuates between fem-leaning, masc-leaning, something in-between and neither. They're fine with any terms and pronouns but mostly go by they/them.

Luna is genderfae/transfem, their gender fluctuates between agender and fem-aligned non-binary. They mostly go by they/them and gender-neutral and feminine terms, they're fine with she/her and some neopronouns, but any masculine terms and pronouns are a big no-no for them. Currently, I'm considering making them an enby lesbian, but that might change in the future.

[rosicheeks]

-

[rutadales]

Stages?

👀

STAGES IS MY BABYYYYY i love writing about grief and loss of self, and how to cope with that. C!Dream is perfect for that type of analysis. It started bc I really wanted a way to explore dream and bads relationship and their similarities. They both lost their families and both believe that what happened to them was mostly self inflicted. there's a lot to explore there. And of course I love rivals duo and also wanted to write a scenario where techno isn't able to repay the favor. And, ya know, healing and growing together is such a good trope.

I already have the first chapter posted on my AO3 but I've written so much for this fic but still never managed enough to finish another full chapter ughhughhuh. I've also posted some of this fic here but there are so many nuggets I've written that I'd love to share (sorry all my excerpts are so long 😭😭)

"I can barely walk, I can't fight-! I'm helpless. I'm at everyone's mercy and I hate it." His hands are shaking, the pencil moving like a record needle— up and down and up and down— in his weak grasp. Dream wants to steady it but can't, hasn't been able since Quackity's first visit, and he hates that too. His body isn't his anymore. It's a malfunctioning tool, but there's no fixing it. No quick repair. There's no fixing him.

Nothing can cure him, not potions, not time, not XD. He's broken, plain and simple. And all that's left is crossed wires.

A hand lays over his own and Dream looks up into Techno's eyes. His hand still tremors underneath the warm grasp, but it hurts less, now.

"You're not helpless, Dream. You're not. You're just changed, and I know that hurts. And I know I can't fix that but let me make it a little easier for you." His voice chokes on the last syllable, the emotion making it crack.

Sweat pools on the back of Dream's neck as he quickly adverts his eyes. A million thoughts run through his head, seeing Techno's care so plainly on display. He can't bring himself to pull away though.

"I don't get it." It's an admission he wouldn't make normally, but Dream wants to understand at least this about Techno, if nothing else. "You've more than repaid the favor, you don't owe me anything anymore."

"Yes, I do." Techno says, so quietly Dream is half convinced he didn't hear it at all, before Techno continues as if he hadn't said anything to begin with. "When are we just going to admit we're friends, Dream? We can be that to each other, you know."

Now, he does pull away, just barely. Their hands touch still, if only slightly, and the contact burns.

"Fine," Techno speaks, not with anger or frustration. "I'm doing it because I'm selfish. I like having you around, and keeping you healthy makes that easier. Not to mention you're skinny enough to be one of Phil's scarecrows. We can hang you out in the fields and you'd scare all the crows off, nice and easy. That's why I'm doing this, for the good of my crops."

Dream furiously ignores Techno's smug smile when that draws a laugh out of him, but it doesn't get rid of the pit in his stomach. Dream knows what happens to his friends.

He doesn't want that for Techno.

[alex-just-vibing]

grah my head feels like it might explode

[galmiahthepigeon]

It's very nice when the neurotypical people in your life admit that they probably have unwarranted reactions to your attitudes bc they don't fully understand them, and they ask you to really explain how your thought processing works so they can have better insight and understand you and be able to adapt accordingly. However, actually attempting to express all the things that your neurodiversity impacts and how exactly that can affect your behavior in certain situations and explaining the type of treatment you need? Brother that would require like 12 interconnected conspiracy boards and leave me in a catatonic state from exhaustion. Every day I wish I could project my exact thoughts and feelings onto other people's brains bc this shit is fucking impossible

[tinydancerandthemoonchild]

Hey! It's the mod here. I know it's been a while, so I wanted to make an update post regarding the unannounced hiatus I've been on.

As you may have guessed, based on the (aside from reblogging my ask for help from my main), I got a bit of burnout with this blog. I've been wanting to start it back up again for a while, and I've been plotting out a bit of plot for a while so I'm not just making this all up as I go along and can keep track of things lol. Now, while this is fun and all, there are some things I want to address.

Firstly, as some of you may know, this blog started because Levi's mod and I were going back and forth with a prince donnie idea, initially to help him sleep, in fact. As you can tell, it spun up into this blog and an entire universe of its own. Unfortunately, Levi's mod and I had a falling out. For those of you that do follow my main, back in August, there was a debacle from me freaking out over something and some confusion over who I was upset with, leading to a chain of hate mail that has continued to the point that I'm even less sure of my identity and self-worth than before. Levi's mod contacted me via DMs to talk about the situation, but never responded after I did. To my knowledge, at least as far as Tumblr is showing me when I look at old asks on this blog, their blog has since deactivated. I'm unsure if they have received harassment or anything on my behalf from this entire situation, but if that occurred, I do not condone it and I am ashamed of those of you that partook in that. In light of these developments, unless I am contacted by Levi's mod either directly or through a mutual contact, I will be leaving their contributions to this au and the origins intact out of respect. If he wishes to no longer be included in this au, he knows where to contact me, and I will overhaul as necessary and restart the blog to do so.

Secondly, as things have been somewhat bogged down as of late, for the sake of plot, I may timeskip to when everyone has been safely returned home to their universe. Before doing this, I will consult with the lovely mod that was assisting with the pizzaplex crossover arc before doing so to see what course of action I should take. If I do timeskip, I will answer the ask that Pride's mod has sent me to tie up a little bit of Michaelangelo and Ali's adventure into the canon Rise universe, and then proceed with the timeskip.

As of right now, anon will be remaining off to avoid further hate mail, insults, and threats to my life and safety, along with attempts at doxxing me in my own inbox. If there are questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to send in an ask, and I will respond as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience with this long wait, and I'm excited to continue the story of this blog, as I have a lot in store!