#can we stop infantilising idk

[nonebutyou]

literally get so uncomfortable every time i see a post that mentions cooper’s dad instincts kicking in w lucy and maximus

[edge-oftheworld]

okay, I definitely don't know exactly what I'm thinking but I'm going to try. I guess it comes down to the fact that luke is constantly (still, after 13 years) being objectified in like, a we-own-you kind of way. Not deliberately for everyone involved in even mildly perpetuating it, but it is to 5sos culture the way that rape culture is to society in general: it's persistent, it sneaks in in what we consider to be societal or fandom norms. It shapes our opinions and our worldviews and it's like how you can't ask a fish how the water is: the water just is, the fish doesn't know anything else. It's not anyone's fault per se but god we have to do better.

and the thing about 'babygirl' specifically is that, you know who else gets treated this way by society as a whole? 1) young people, and 2) women, girls, anyone in the broad category that is seen as opposite to 'men'. opposite to the people who do the owning and the objectifying and it's a patriarchal problem with its tendrils reaching worldwide. these are the two groups of people that if you are in, you don't have any power. so on the surface it looks harmless, cute even, to call a grown man babygirl. internet terminology is weird; people just say things that aren't quite words and they catch on when you understand the sentiment behind them. we call heaps of men babygirl. sometimes i see people call ashton babygirl. it's one of the things that seems innocent and quirky, at least to start with.

but it's only innocent when you're punching upwards, taking the people who have all the power and levelling the playing field, so to speak. but the thing is, it's not quite so simple as 'oh look a rich white privileged man' when said white man was a child star (and at this point, hopefully we know how people treat child stars consistently, we've seen it play out again and again in different ways, from the carter family to britney to everyone caught up in the 1d/5sos wave to whoever the teen stars are today, and I don't need to explain it) who grew up in the bush, brought up to be kind and hardworking and go the extra mile for people because no parent in rural nsw actually expects their kid to have to navigate asserting themselves in the music industry before turning 18. I'm not saying it was all awful or his parents didn't do a great job. but I am saying that being a white man doesn't exclude luke from living a recipe for exploitation for being pretty and cute and young and talented, so many adjectives we often associate with girls. a marketable stereotype designed to be fuckable and agreeable and never get angry. babygirl.

I could go into some theories I have as to why: but the same thing in a weird genderbent way often seems to apply to luke. people want to own him because he's all of those things; they don't, sometimes the bitterness about that turns into some culturally normalised trend of coming up with an imaginary version of him. but it's more than that, more than being the heartthrob frontman of the band, and comes down to chance as well. he happens to be the youngest of the band; the others are extremely protective of him (and for good reason, i'm also certain the feeling is mutual just not expressed completely the same, but people see what fits the categories in their heads), and he does challenge the gender binary as part of his self-expression (which is a neutral thing, it should always be a neutral thing, there should never be a shift in power between what's deemed masculine and feminine, but there is and this is a prime example of the impacts gender inequality has). we've seen him going from wishing he could express himself in a more gnc way to actually doing it. people caught on early. and of course, most fans mean well but there's always a vulnerability to laying down the masculine for something more feminine even partially. it's baked into the same culture that came up with terms like 'babygirl'.

he also gives off this vibe, probably a youngest child thing too, or having seen him in the public eye from such a young age, looking uncomfortable a good portion of the time, that kind of elicits a we-want-to-care-for-and-protect-you response. and I think what's dangerous about that is that you don't ever think that caring about someone could be at all related to taking their power away. but it can be, especially if you're unable to express that protectiveness in the form of actual conversation (which for a fandom this size, is impossible) and so it kind of sits there unexpressed, without any of us ever hearing in a personal conversation exactly how luke thinks and having the chance to negotiate, what is a better way to treat you? do you feel like we're treating you as a child even though you're 28 and married and a self-made millionaire and an expert at towing the line of vulnerable enough to be so much more human and relatable than most people on this planet while valuing privacy and personal goals and also more than capable of having children of your own too?

all this combined, you have the ingredients for this babygirl fansona (is that a word?) constructed without the guidance of the very man we are perceiving through this lens--even when you can interact with people in person it's very hard to actually change their perception of you. we get crumbs, like the fact that he likes to feel pretty to help with his confidence on stage, like bits of how he's grappled with growing up in the public eye and the ways in which being far ahead of your age in some ways always results in feeling behind in others. these then just feed into 'how babygirl of him' because we don't see the other bits, the ugly bits everyone has that no one has any obligation to share with the world. we hear him talking about mental health but we don't get to witness every minute of his life that led to the things he's talked about, it's very uwu-ified, it's easy for people to take things at face value and the fact that he's someone who tries so hard not to ever abuse positions of power he's in, and then strip his masculinity that still exists even if he's not always masculine, because we still associate masculinity with abuses of power, and then put him in a pretty box that was conceptually given to us for young women, but luke, the most (and therefore some sort of token pretty boy) out of all the band members, is close enough.

finally I want to touch on another trend that could be an essay on its own (it won't be an essay of its own with luke as an example though, out of respect I don't want to dive in too deeply, though I don't think I can respectfully not mention it either). people have a tendency to infantilise neurodivergent people, or anyone who seems vaguely neurodivergent, which is something that people do subconsciously pick up (hence why it's so important to have a name for it if that's you, because people will supplement it with descriptors that are often derogatory, babygirl might not quite be in that category but it still implies a loss of power as I've talked about). People also have a tendency to feminise neurodivergent boys and men in an outright derogatory way: anyone who doesn't like rough sport or who wears makeup or dares to have any kind of feelings. which includes neurotypicals, of course, but when you're neurodivergent it's often a step further; given; unescapable. and this is why I think that something most people think is innocent can become a cherry on top of a stack of other seemingly unrelated things, why it fills me with rage too. every time over the last 13 years luke has done something like get distracted or lose something or be a little bit socially awkward he gets infantilised. every time he gets scared it's 'poor babygirl' or something to that effect. once is cute. after a few hundred times it only erodes his ability to self-actualise and take control of his own narrative, his own gender expression and everything he shares, in a patriarchal, neuronormative world.

and so if you've read this far, I don't want to say you're bad if you've ever referred to luke as babygirl. you're not. but hopefully you've gotten to have a think and start to question, what does this term I use in pop culture actually mean? could it be insulting someone? is it affecting how I view someone and do I need to listen to them a little bit more open-mindedly?

also, hopefully it's okay to say this since luke has started talking about it a little but as myself, someone with adhd, i do also ask that you go and listen to more neurodivergent folk and figure out how to treat us with actual respect. please listen to people all across the gender spectrums too about their experiences with masculinity and femininity and the kinds of experiences that they've specifically gotten when they haven't fit nicely into a binary, however they end up identifying in the end (and as for luke, please don't assume anything about him in that vein. ever. there is one person who gets to decide that and it is luke) and what kind of things they might find offensive and why. this isn't you-have-to-know-everything-at-once but rather a call of, hey, there's a lot of diversity out there and the more diverse experiences you learn to empathise with, the more understanding you're gonna be as a person.

i have so so so many thoughts and feelings about the way this fandom constantly refers to luke as babygirl without taking one single second to think about why maybe it's a problematic thing to do to luke specifically but i lack the ability to organize those thoughts and feelings into anything coherent and concise. can someone else please read my mind and do it for me.

[holmsister]

I think one of the things Dungeon Meshi is definitely about is how different people deal with being an outsider/marginalised/neurodivergent/what have you and basically what im getting at is that Kabru is TEXTBOOK "high functioning [insert diagnosis here]". Its that how they say it still? Don't care.

Basically. This man shows up and you listens to him talk and see how his party treats him and you think. Oh this is a cool guy who has his shit together. And then after like two pages you find out that he has constant flashbacks to Utaya that make him completely freeze, anxiety attacks, thought spirals, is incapable of analyzing his own feelings, is a stuttering mess when the stakes are high, has never done a chore in his life, keeps putting himself in triggering situations and re-traumatising himself, and the icing on the cake is when you read the extra material and it turns out he regularly forgets to eat and lives in a depression nest of dirty clothes and self-medicates insomnia with alcohol and also is 22. Which also kind of puts Misilril not wanting to let him go in another light - yeah for sure she's controlling and infantilising and also its not like she was really helping his issues but also she was not entirely wrong in her judgement. This man does NOT know how to take care of himself. He knows how to do the bare minimum so when he shows up at work the next day he can fool his coworkers into thinking hes got it together enough. For a bit.

He is DEEPLY unwell and he knows it but he is carried by the desperate wish to avoid another catastrophe. If he stops for a moment he KNOWS he'll collapse so he doesn't.

I also think this is why him acting nurse to Mithrun is such an important part of his arc. Its like. This person who has spent all of his adult life focused on a single objective disregarding everything else is faced with what happens when you do that for too long. And the result is a wet tissue of a creature who looks like he doesn't know where he is most of the time.

He is a man on the brink. I have no doubt he felt relieved when he decided he could trust Laios - not even in a Labru way, straight up because he knew he could not keep going like this.

But also like. Of all the characters in the manga, I think Senshi and Kabru are the most lonely ones. Except Senshi seems to be OK with solitude - for sure it's not entirely healthy to be alone for as long as he was but he definitely did well enough. He is very good at taking care of himself. Meanwhile Kabru *knows* a lot of people but can you really say he has friends? Rin, maybe, arguably, but even she does not seem to truly know him, you know? He keeps himself hidden from everyone. I think the only time we see him entirely honest is when he says to Laios that he wanted to be his friend, and hes so shocked when it comes out, you can tell he did not mean to say it. And differently from Senshi, he does NOT fare well alone. He likes people, he needs people. Again compare with Mithrun - he has like a squad of people taking care of him. If Kabru had a breakdown of that size can you say his party would go out of its way to help? Im not sure. Not because they're bad people, but because he's simply not that intimate with any of them.

Idk man it just struck me all of a sudden. Laios is weird and offputting and doesn't care about other humans the way Kabru does and YET he is infinitely more successful at building deep, meaningful relationships and taking care of himself as well. I think this is part of why Kabru is so fascinated with him as well. He can tell Laios has something he doesn't have. Wait this is turning into a whole another post I'll write this next time.

[autisticlancemcclain]

What’s your most hated fandom characterization for each of the main 7?

hoo boy am i glad you asked. although i’m gonna be real, my issue is less with fandom characterization, because you do you i don’t give a shit, and more with how people go batty if you personally are not a fan of fanon characterizations.

like, lemme be obvious and talk about my biggest example. i am a brown eyed lance truther. we know this. the amount of weirdo comments, weirdo DMs, and weirdo asks i get is atrocious. i post a lot of them bc they’re so stupid they’re funny but the amount of people per week that tell me to kill myself is lowkey wild. the amount of people that love to say some variation of “i liked your fic but you ruined it by making lances eyes brown! his eyes are blue!” and i’ve checked other brown eyed truther’s fics — either they delete their comments better than me, or they do not get the same thing. idk what the deal is lol.

i will concede to the point that i’m a contrarian and annoying about it, but a list of the following non-fanon headcanons/characterizations i hold that have been commented on in some derisive way:

- bitchy hunk (lol)

- non “cinnamon roll too pure and baby and good for this world” hunk*

- allura is a good character (🤡)**

- allura is a sweetheart

- allura is not a drill sergeant

- kuron was a good iteration of shiro

- red paladin lance/black paladin keith/blue paladin allura

- retired shiro

- pidge is not cruel

- pidge is not an infant and can handle things a regular 14-15 year old can handle

- small details are irrelevant (think lances family, exact prekerb details, etc)

- keith gyeong and lance sanchez

- fucking brown eyed lance. i’m saying it again

- tall keith

- non omega keith***

- readmores

- autistic lance

- adhd keith

- non asshole/cruel keith

- comphetting gay lance****

- shallura

- bi shiro, demi keith, essentially any sexuality headcanon that isn’t mainstream

- hunk who isn’t food obsessed

- that’s about it

*stop infantilising hunk

**the allura hate is ridiculous and largely rooted in anti-Blackness. it should not be a fight to say that she had a reason to feel betrayed by keith’s heritage, that she did not “get in the way” of klance, that her death was stupid and ridiculous, that she is often pushed over in favour of klance (not as in she’s less popular, but that her/her death are used as a plot device to further klance), and that she is as interesting, nuanced, and multifaceted as the rest of them.

***people, inevitably, feminize characters in fandoms (largely because many people in fandom are young women, i know i feminize characters simply bc i’m making them like me and i’m feminine lol), and my issue is that people (in the general sense, not everybody) love to feminize keith and then get really mad if anyone else is feminized. this is not about fem or trans woman keith btw. this is about people omega-ifying him and then losing their MINDS if i don’t share that headcanon.

****i literally only wrote this once and then never again because people lost their minds. but as much as i love bi lance, i think it’s interesting that usually, when we see “boy crazy” or “girl crazy” characters, especially if they have a lot of chemistry or homoerotic tension with a same-gender character, people are like oh ya that’s comphetting. that character is desperately trying to outrun the gay thoughts. but with lance, who was definitely girl crazy and cared more about having a girlfriend than actually dating and falling in love (think “mrs blue lion” — he didn’t give a fuck about who he was marrying, so long that it was a girl), calling him gay will have people saying you’re erasing bisexuality. as if he was not fucking straight in the show. so.

sorry this is so bitter and ranty lol. been in a mood

[tfpriests]

[copy pasted from disc,2D fiction as always I get hrhrjmr at thought of otherwise real things peeve me

am i attracted to blanket training ?

That cult documentary made me think about it to this day,im not a nepio but I find it erotic to think of a physically disabled man <- (maybe one closer to curly from m0uthw@sh actually in general this relationship makes me think of him n j!’mmy),

incident caused,maybe possible to help if alot of effort is put or dealt with by someone with knowledge but the random pain and lack of resources make it difficult to do anything even if the people around him did care

All he can really do so he can keep getting painkillers,checkups and most importantly help with general body stuff (eating/drinking/toilet/mental) is infantilise himself act 10d more helpless than he is for their pleasure ,they train him in odd ways too like blanket training as it’s for babies it doesn’t really work on him but he has to act like it or else those beatings won’t stop

I think it’s cute ,treated as a baby just for some numbing cream and pain killers,it does feel good after a while maybe he’s into it?he can’t tell

I never think alot about the people doing it ,I think one would be the general bad guy personality is what you want although I prefer the somewhat delusional (for example : oh god this is literally my son,maybe he’s not a baby but I’ll treat him as such ) type who is caring when he wants to be but when violent his hand does leave a mark even on already scarred and ‘ruined’ bodies

I do like when they have someone else aboard even if they are not violent they are simple following on because of knowledge and skill.they aren’t overtly sexual but they watch just as intently as the man doing it there is definitely alot of erotic thoughts in mind

they r loving kind and smart but their lack of care for someone like the victim no matter the history makes make them useless

This won’t make sense but o wanted to ramble and as u can tell near the end I am sleepy we crazy

Idk if I should add as whump but I will despite the mess it is maybe I should’ve gone into detail of the punishment but I think the denial of pain killers is the true cruel part

[girlcalledwhatsername]

Hello! I saw your post about not reporting blogs where people express feeling suicidal and venting. Somebody in the reblogs mentioned the same applying to ED posts, so I wanted to ask, does that mean we shouldn't report pro-ana blogs either?

Hello!

Yes I saw that addition, I was going to reblog with it but completely slipped my mind.

This absolutely applies to pro-ana blogs. They are highly triggering, yeah, maybe they're even anti recovery, they are all sorts of things, but at the end of the day it's just another hurt mentally ill person in need of support. You can easily unfollow these blogs, you can see easily block them. I would encourage doing so absolutely, it makes me uncomfortable too.

The basic thing we need to understand is what "reporting" someone entails. Think of it as going to the authorities and complaining about this person, that's what reporting is like. Which is why it's fine to do it for hate speech and harassment and spam bots and all that. But when we report mentally ill people for showing signs of mental illness we are giving them up to the authorities to be exterminated or locked up or hidden away and cut off from society and possible support systems or losing a space to vent. No one should have that authority over our lives.

The bottom line is that whether a mentally ill person is recovering or not recovering or doing it in a way you don't like, they still don't deserve to be locked up for it. Idk how the application of such laws works in different cases but the vague wording of "is this person harming themselves or shown the tendency to harm themselves in any capacity" (such as exists in most Psychiatric laws) can easily extend to pro-ana people and then they'll just be further traumatised and that's not gonna help anyone.

Block liberally. Block the tags, block the accounts. But understand at the end of the day that it's no different from vent accounts that just need a space to honestly and in an unfiltered way talk about their depression and self harm and suicidal ideation because it's always better for people to have it out than to hide it away. The more people interact with each other, even if they're sharing tips for such harm to others who are choosing to engage this way, the more community they have and the more chances of having if not recovery then at least a support system to fall back on when things get bad. And remember here to not infantilise mentally ill people by saying they don't know better and are getting badly influenced by pro ana or vent blogs. They are there engaging because they have the same thoughts and need someone to talk to about it in a particular way.

I know people who have been in these circles and yes there is harm happening, but cutting those people off from their community doesn't help them, it just drives them into isolation. People find their way out when they're ready and when they are exposed to different ways of dealing with these things.

Ik I'm not gonna come out looking as a model of sanity for this but I got a lot of my self harm under control through harm reduction that included "allowing" self harm in certain situations till I stopped associating it with coping completely and I've been clean for a long while now.

These things, these self destructive techniques we see are a symptom of larger underlying issues and just stopping that behaviour from being seen or isolating it isn't helping. Being able to vent till you detangle the underlying issues is the way to go about it.

Let people be in charge of their recovery or their choice to not go into recovery yet.

It's their own business.

And trust me, pro ana blogs aren't recruiting people without EDs to start having EDs any more than someone venting about being suicidal is trying to get other people to join them in killing themselves.

Thanks again for the question!

[maschotch]

same anon as the morgan ask lol - no you’re so right about the weird vibes of hc’ing reid as transmasc. like if it was just sometimes… but it’s all the time, it’s disproportionately him, much more rare for hotch or morgan or luke or anyone to be transmasc. and like… people are always calling reid their /babey boy/ and it’s kinda the same with a lot of popular transmasc hcs, it’s young, skinny, white, shy or "socially awkward", "feminine" in some way, characters. it rubs me the wrong way. depends on the reasoning. but for reid it’s always,, "oh cause he looks young for his age, he has long hair, he’s so /cute/, he’s my baby boy, he’s shy and girls are shy" etc. like. classic infantilising of trans guys, classic transphobia against transmascs. nothing against some reidgirls but can they stop being weird about it? can they explain why they’d not hc hotch or morgan as transmasc, unless they’re doing t4t reid and someone? why i’ve only ever seen one hc of any of the women as transfem? & don’t feel bad about preferring to talk about hotch - i’m a morgan fan but i’m a (low empathy) prentiss fan first, i don’t mean that everyone has to obsess over morgan, i just wish people would appreciate his strengths & flaws & experiences & overall character a bit more in general.

admittedly i’m also the person who sent that last low empathy prentiss ask btw, big agree with all you say. of course i don’t mind that people have different opinions on her to me but just…. sometimes i’m like, did we watch the same show? a lot of the things they consider "empathy" moments from her are just being somewhat kind, and like, yeah i don’t think she’s evil so of course she has the capacity to be kind and exhibit some compassion. but every time she gives a grunt of disgust at a crime scene or whatever, it’s just to show that she disapproves of what the unsub did, not that she’s devastated or shocked in the way that many of the others on the team seem to be. and probably somewhere between having a shit relationship with her mother, the way she canonically has said she would change everything about herself to get approval from other teens when she was moving schools all the time in high school, and her undercover missions at Interpol… somewhere in all that, she clearly developed some acting skills, the ability to manipulate people, mirror and read people but *manually* rather than by having empathy. for her job, that’s necessary, idk how to say "manipulate" in a way that doesn’t sound that bad but i don’t mean it as inherently bad lol. and having less empathy would help her stay calm, logically analyse problems, not be fooled by people pretending to be upset, not have too much guilt get in the way of manipulating suspects (necessary to her job obviously), etc. however, it can diminish her ability to comfort friends from an emotional POV, might make her more impulsive/reckless because she doesn’t consider the effects it might have on herself and others, and it probably would contribute to how in those Lauren eps she just assumes her team members would be mad at her because she doesn’t *know* how they would emotionally feel about that. and maybe she does worry that she’s a bad person bc of her low empathy! who knows! i haven’t actually thought *that* much about it, i’m just kinda rambling about a few patterns i see, but i do think she has low empathy. and that you’re very right about the writers just… being inconsistant and weird with her character a Lot. i’m glad someone else sees what i see with her.

signed, the only morgangirl 😔 lmao

yeah :// like it’s tricky to be overly critical of trans hcs without being disrespectful or belittling people’s experiences (bc there are some people who i know identify with reid’s gender ambiguity (???)) but idk… it’s hard to ignore the pattern of the internet favoring their submissive breedable skinny white little twink as the main char seen as trans. like. what are we saying here lol

and yeah same thing w characters… you cant really fault anyone for preferring certain characters but when they take character traits/experiences/plotlines from morgan and give them to reid?? it just feels?? distasteful? like if youre gonna change everything about reid to make him/his backstory more like morgan, just… write about morgan? idk how to describe it. it’s like… if there’s a set of angsty tropes that are pretty standard—used by both official network writers and fandoms—that the showrunners divvy up between characters, and the fandom enjoys certain tropes that apply to certain characters, and the fandom’s favorite character is different, then they’ll give those same tropes to their favorite character without acknowledging the other character at all. idk if that makes any sense, but it’s just glaringly obvious when it’s the exact same type of skinny white guy that becomes the fandom’s favorite every time

but yes i am a very big fan of low empathy emily <3 i think it’s one of those “repressed lesbian jj” concepts that explains away a lot of the shitty character inconsistencies?? emily’s inconsistent bc she’s acting, bc she’s playing a part, bc her mask is changing as she tailors it to the group dynamic and her place within it. which is just FASCINATING to me lmao i love it so much. it’s something i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, but despite that i feeel like i dont have a lot to say on it? it’s less like a “here’s a list of headcanons for this character” and more of a “here’s a lens to watch the show through.” it doesnt necessarily addd anything, it’s just a different perspective that imo makes things make more sense lol. i think she’s made peace with who she is and doesn’t spend too much time fretting over whether she’s a bad person. like i don’t think she’s answered that question necessarily, i just think she knows it’s kinda pointless trying to figure it out. n e ways yes i like that you also see it :)))

[clarabowmp3]

Kind fed up how many 'Taylor Swift Fans' only care about talking about her exes and how engaged she is 'obviously' to her new guy she's only been dating a year. I thought we as a society stopped seeing all women as future wives and mothers. It feels reductive and regressive to fixate on how engaged she is every time she leaves the house and it sucks most fans take away from TTPD is that she wants to get married and get married today even to a guy she hardly knows and hasn't lived with long term. Hey, she may announce she is engaged tomorrow and I'll eat my words but some of my fellow fans are getting a bit too fixated on her engagement status for my liking and it's reducing her to her love life success and not her creative success which is yucky to me.

Yeahhh I feel like, at least when it comes to taylor, the whole concept of marriage is pretty loaded/complex and interesting, and esp with songs like the prophecy and loml on ttpd it’s kind of a heartbreaking narrative. Ig some swifties might be doing that as a means of rooting for taylor, in the sense that if you take away the superficial conclusion that ‘oh taylor wanted/wants to get married but couldn’t, so getting married would make her happy,’ then I can see how the speculation could be done in good conscience, but yes ofc just as you said, it doesn’t make it right. But what’s even worse are those who try to make her love life into some kind of a reality show, where there are ‘villains’ who hurt her and ‘heroes’ that sweep her off her feet like do you not realise how incredibly infantilising, insulting and demeaning that is??? I think those people forget she’s a real life person with real feelings, not smth to egg on for more shock/entertainment value.

I think she summed it up pretty well in lavender haze ‘the only kind of girl they see is a one night or a wife.’ The way I interpret this (in the context of ttpd) is exactly this, that she doesn’t want the conversation surrounding her to be reduced to her love life (at least at the time - her persona has changed so much recently idk). But at the same time, the idea of marriage seems to appeal to her, maybe as a symbol of even more commitment, and it hurts to not have your partner feel the same way. Her desire to get married or lack thereof has nothing to do with what’s appropriate for people to discuss abt her. It’s just another facet to her personality but apparently this is the 1950s cuz god forbid a woman be more that her romantic interests

And yea you’re right, maybe they will be getting engaged soon or maybe they won’t, but whatever the case is I don’t this I (or you!) shld be eating my words. At least imo, it’s about the principle of it. For arguments sake, let’s say they do get engaged tmwr. That still doesn’t make all the engagement speculation right/moral! Because then it’ll be speculation about their wedding, any kids they might have (tho ppl have alr started on that now 🤢🤢) and so on. My point is, it’s never ending, because it’s not about whether or not/when they’ll be getting engaged, it’s about that underlying problem of misogyny and reducing women to figurines to impose outdated, regressive narratives on.

[darkhats]

my response to that one cookie run drama video from 2019

if u were in the fandom at around 2019 you'll remember this video. really a grand hallmark of its time. this is probably the most unecessary thing ill ever do but i see alot of recent comments from a month ago agreeing with this and i think thats extremely sad. im mostly doing this as a fun nostalgia trip and also i really want to justify me wasting 14 minutes watching this

first of all i want to say this video is fucking awful. just dreadful. like girl what the fuck are you even saying. i'd only recommend watching in full if you want to hear about the fandom in 2019 with a condesending voice talking down to you the whole time and even then you could probably do better just scrolling through the discourse tag

i suggest you pull up the video yourself as i'll be responding by timestamps. if i sound angry at some points its because i am

you can skip to 1:40 the rest is just intro stuff

1:47 | im really curious why you put this screenshot while saying "entitled fans" bc u never elaborated and i would really LOVE for you to explain whatever this one meant

1:50 | for the "huge amounts of hypocrisy" bit i have no idea what this is? this would be hypocrisy if the twitter acc in the previous screenshot and this tumblr blog r the same person but theyre not. we don't all think like a hivemind? this post is stupid in general stop infantilising asian ppl like they have no idea what a black person even is

2:02 | "gatekeeping what kind of ships you're allowed to like" with this screenshot u a proshitter or sumn🤨

the rest of the things they listed will be talked about later

2:51 | oh wow the "fixing art" thing. i dont think this is a thing anymore but it definitely was a big thing back in 2019! the thing is im quite neutral on it because a lot of artists dont like their work being edited but on the other hand if you dont like when people put the correct skintones on your art then maybe you should colour it right the first time

i will say though if you see cool art of like dark choco or espresso and its whitewashed and u wanna edit it so its not and u keep it to yourself then idc thats fine to me. the grey area is when it comes to characters like moonlight or alchemist, who's skintone is quite difficult to pull off in some artstyles. a lot of the examples in the video use people like cherry blossom or cotton candy who don't quite fit in the same category but are usually targets of this anyway

a very simple fix is to just use a different colour but to not make them significantly lighter from how they look in canon, which alot of the examples you showed don't do. they all look pale as shit compared to what they actually look like ingame and thats why people complained about them

also your marina video is fucking awful btw

3:53 |

4:56 | "so many people in the fandom hate the developers" im one of them hiii. i should probably use this time to explain why (please note that this was made in 2019 so a few of the points im bringing up here will probably be a bit too recent)

devsisters really love showcasing whitewashed art of their characters (they used to do it on their forums rarely but thats now gone) and recently they've been quite excited to dabble in the whitewashing themselves (keep in mind the others except from twizzly gummy don't really count as whitewashing but they're all significantly lighter than their regular appearance). its like a hobby or sumn. everytime they host a fanart contest i brace for god damn impact. and this has been a thing since FOREVER

speaking of race and ethnicity, lilacs costume (and redesign in general) is just... bad but i dont think they were even introduced at the time of this video. milk and yam WERE though and its extremely baffling to me how this went through an entire team/company and got greenlit. its insane how shit they are (if it was just yam on his own i wouldn't hate him as much, i still wouldn't like him tbh, but they decided to pair him up with a white saviour). would i call them racist though? ...idk? they've been moving funny recently cant lie

another thing is the valentines day video which pisses me off to even think about. in that vid theres alot of.. ships that definitely arent legal. and whitewashing ^_^ they still haven't addressed it btw if ur curious. but it happened this year and honestly i wouldnt blame them for not thinking devsisters would do something like that bc i sure didnt!

theres also the thing with nfts but no one couldve foresaw that one coming

i assume when you mention people saying devsis are transphobic that you're talking about characters like dark choco or cinnamon who weren't referred by any pronouns until they were magically given he/him pronouns later on. nonbinary people can use any pronouns they so damn please but i get why people would get annoyed about them both suddenly being referred as he/him. wouldn't call it transphobic though. other than idk, how tf am i meant to defend something when u dont even telling me what ur talking abt

and 5:29 is quite the bold claim if you have to say "do i have evidence for this asian hate? no.." when bringing it up again btw

now we're onto the "stories from a few people" section. the few people are actually just two, the first one just runs their mouth for way too long. dw they both suck. ignore how the creep art person is there its been addressed already in the description (which is funny because the creator remembers this video still? and they presumingly agree with it still..?)

7:00 | i would heavily recommend putting the video on like 1.75 speed and just reading the reply yourself because this person goes on for WAY too long. excuse me if the timestamps are wrong because of this but at this point i really just do not care

the first thing i want to address is the cuphead and cookie run fandom comparison, because its just as ridiculous as it sounds "i have no idea why its so focused on being sensitive about cookies sexualities, genders, and races, when other fandoms dont even take subjects like that as seriously. im pretty sure the cuphead fandom takes its bosses less seriously than the cr fandom does its cookies..." literally what the fuck are you on about? excuse me as im not a cuphead fandom connoisseur here but how are either fandoms connected?? they both got a vastly different audience, gameplay, artstyle and characters (+ character design). the only thing similar is that theyre both popular i GUESS. also maybe the cookie run fandom is so "sensitive" about cookies races bc they keep getting whitewashed every 5 seconds🤔? just a game theory tho🤔

7:25 | pisses me off ever so fucking much. the "ive never seen a fandom get so disrespectful over issues that i honestly dont think even exist" while talking about MILK COOKIE COOKIE RUN are u crazy are u dense im glad you can frollick along in ur flowerfields not having to ever deal with racism but I cannot. and if ur not talking abt him then you'd be talking about the "sensitive about sexualities/genders/races" thing and yeah man u right none of that is real. the LGBT disappeared suddenly in 1987. all humans were destroyed as they had race. we're all grey goo people

im not even sure what the complaint even is.. oh nooo someone did a milk redesigning the controversial parts of his design... how ever will we recover..?

8:15 | yeah as everyone knows i can make a character as pale as i want in fanart as long as i say these are my humanizations actually. garbage argument, most people dont draw the characters as actual cookies and most of the fanart does just fine with eyedropping the characters original skintone (oh im sorry, dough!!) so whats the excuse?

dont worry this person is done now we're almost at the end

11:18 | for the other reply, its the fiction doesnt equal reality shit do you really need me to go over this one? do you really. if they just cookies and its just fiction then why y'all feelings hurt so bad. also lumping in whitewashing with age and gender while ur talking about peoples headcanons is a bit weird btw

anyway the last thing i want to go over is the "cookie run fandom is soo obsessed with debating on whitewashing, ages, gender and sexualities!" thing thats so prevelent with these arguments. 2019 had this fun period where with every new cookie that came out there was some sort of controversy with them (millennial tree and raspberry mousse being he/him, roll cake and sorbet shark being a child or not, ect.)

whitewashing is obvious why so i'll move on. some characters can be seen as lesbian coded (white choco and rose for having majority girl fans, sea fairy in general) and there are a few characters that explicitly aren't referred to by any pronouns (dark choco before the guild adventures, peppermint, ect.) which u dont see everyday in games. so yeah.. people care about these things because they like representation. who would've thought?

now im gonna be fucking real. the arguments over cookies ages were always annoying - the reason why the fandom has arguments about ages so much is because devsis REFUSES to tell us canon ages. think about it, majority of the "canonially confirmed" children in the game are from a child event that happened in LINE. thats a completely different company running the game. because of how character-heavy the game is, ships are a very big part of the fandom. i sincerely doubt theres anyone in the fandom who doesnt like any ship and at the time rarepairs were rly common. so when you've got a fandom who really likes to ship and developers that dont ever mention ages then you get a fucking mess. i dont know what sorbet shark or roll cakes age is and its pointless to even debate it because id rather just have the devs confirm it themselves (not like they ever will). and even for the one singular time they did specify that one of the characters was a child, they still showcased fanart of said kid being shipped with an adult anyway

but that concludes the video and thus this response! i have wasted so much time on this i honestly could've showed you them ranting about how "cookies dont have skin colours" in the video or the part in the marina video where they complain about how people "think whitewashing is bad but make non-black characters black" and moved on but what else would i do on a sunday night?

[snobgoblin]

Personally idk if its because of me only being a fan since this year, but I never understood why the fandom was demonising Paula so incredibly much.

Like yes, okay, she betrayed 2D, and broke 2Ds trust, and cheating is always a touchy subject, but when I learned about the lore I took that information in like all the others and went "Okay, that happened"

From then on I was always pretty neutral towards her because everybody makes mistakes right, and she apologised to 2D and did seem to hold regrets in the Almanac, so I'm fine with her. What happened happened, it's not like other characters didn't do worse. And, to be fair, the line "When I saw Murdoc, with his thick greasy her, green skin and yellow teeth, I thought ouh, he's the one for me" will always be hilarious to me sorry not sorry

So yeah, I don't think she deserves to be so demonised, especially not in the same breath that protects 2D because "he's a innocent uwu bebe"

He's not •-•

...can we talk about the infantilising of 2D in this essay I will-

UHUH

i will always defend Paula because not a lot of people do and yall need to stop trying to change my mind I'm not arguing for the sake of arguing I'm arguing for the sake of Paula

[death-gloss]

dude I have seen the infantilization of so many grown men in the public eye. (it probably goes for everyone but I don't follow mainstream celebrities so all I see is just musicians mainly, save for like some Marvel shit who get the same treatment) but yeah like. the unlikeliest of people, like Pete Steele, Kurt Cobain, guys from Korn and MCR, etc. and I mainly see it from younger people, like teens, and they should 100% be able to enjoy the music too, but it is really weird. it reminds me of the recent conversation online about infantilizing trans men and nb people. idk! I thought I was gonna have a point to this ask LMAO but it's 8am I haven't fully woken up but yeah you're not doing anything wrong and basically I agree the infantilization is. very weird.

Its VERY bizarre and I’ve seen it too, i tend to see it more with short men? For some reason? I.e. Joey Jordison, Frank Iero etc maybe it’s because teens can project easier on someone that’s their height idk. That could tie into the trans man infantilisation because we also tend to be on the shorter side.

Its definitely teens, all the people getting mad at me for saying I find Joey sexually attractive are teens claiming I’m ‘sexualising him’ and its ‘disrespectful because he died’. Like no he was hot the whole time. Teens can and should be interested in music! And music communities, but they shouldn’t be butting themselves into adult conversations when they aren’t old enough to grasp the topic.

Its a weird ownership almost of these celebrities, probably the same reason some people get so angry when a celebrity dates someone else it breaks that illusion of ownership. But idk who needs to hear this but you don’t own anyone, and grown adults don’t need teenagers to ‘defend their honour’ or whatever. You’ll grow out of it eventually but stop making adult fans lives so hard lmao.

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

Hey, this is about the age of consent post. I don't know how it is where you live, but I know in the US the age of consent doesn't mean "U can't have sex until X age" it means "An adult will go to jail for having sex with anyone under X age." It's not meant to stop teens from screwing each other, it's meant to stop gross adults from screwing teens/children.

first of all i should point out i am referring specifically to a thread where their reasoning was based on their own maturity level at that age, which they seemed to think should be a barometer for the law, regardless of the fact that their experiences are not universal.

secondly idk if the law is actually different where you are but here that is only one facet of it. legally it still means that people under that age are considered to be unable to consent to sex even if both are under that age. while i think it's rare for this to be prosecuted it does limit the resources people have access to if things go bad. criminalising things doesn't make them not happen, it just makes it harder for people to access resources

in some places there's a "romeo & juliet" defense where it isn't subject to prosecution if both are close in age and neither is in a position of power, but that isn't universal (e.g. i think this exists in ireland but i don’t think it exists in the uk, uk law is very much like... it is illegal for people under 16 to have sex, with anyone. just because it’s rare for people to get prosecuted for it doesn’t mean it’s legal!)

but also like. 18 is an adult. i knew people who were fully independent of their parents at 18, working full time and living with a partner. there would be no power differential between them and a 21y/o in the same position. i also knew people at 18 who very much weren't, but there is no universal age of maturity, because people are different. also I can't speak for anyone else but once I got to uni etc, age really stopped coming up in conversations with my peers (because... they were my peers regardless), so if you're expecting people of that age to stick to some 2/3-year age gap for arbitrary legal reasons I reckon it's all gonna get fucked

raising the age of consent to 21 is stupid, infantilising and basically just gives governments another way to hurt queer people (can you really see them enforcing that equally for straight people? dream on). there was also a lot of swerfy stuff on the thread, as you can imagine ("20yos should never do any kind of sex work") which -- again, criminalising it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. it just means those people can't get help when they need it, because they would end up facing legal bullshit themselves. NOT TO MENTION it also sets a precedent for raising age of consent for medical procedures, and let's be real, who would that hurt first? trans people. it's like. half a step from "no sex until 21" to "no hormones until 21". this is not a bullshit "slippery slope" argument, this is a fact, with precedent, that debates about at what age people can make choices about their own body have wider implications, and that when your governments have a vested interest in limiting trans people's access to care (especially young trans people), that's going to be the first thing to be hit by it

so yeah trying to protect young people is important. but this isn't the way to do it. you can't legislate gross people out of existence like this -- all you do is hurt the vulnerable more. what you can do instead is remove barriers to resources and stuff that put young people in a vulnerable position where they might be exploited (including things like jobs and housing, because people get stuck in abusive relationships when they don't have the resources to leave), as well as educate people about healthy relationships and empower them to make their own choices. that way people who aren't ready to have sex at 18? don't have to! the resources part is crucial there -- you need to create a situation where it IS a choice -- but legislation can't do the job of those resources.

now what we SHOULD change is the fact that you can also join the *army* at 16 in the UK, even if you can't be deployed until 18 -- and believe me they advertise HARD to teenagers and do everything they can to convince you it's a good bonding experience :) :) please sign up to learn how to murder :) :) because *that* is fucked up and that *is* the kind of evil you can legislate out of existence, most other countries already have because recruiting teenagers is fucked up

anyway. will not be engaging in any more discourse about this. didn't expect anyone to read the post, was just venting for my own relief

[ms-hells-bells]

how do you perceive radfems who use makeup? i feel like such a traitor to my belief bc i wear (heavy) makeup to subscribe to patriarchal, infantilising and racist beauty standards but idk if i can stop. part of me feels like being somewhat attractive is one of the only powers i have as a black woman but even then it’s so so :/ i hate being perceived w/o makeup and i like fitting in and looking good but i hate sustaining the same beauty standards that oppress all women socially and financially

as other radfems have mentioned, using radfem as an identity takes focus away from what our actions actually men. rather than saying “am i a radfem if i?” or “am i a bad radfem if i?”, think of it as “is this action i am doing feminist, neutral, or anti feminist?” wearing makeup is anti feminist, it is an action that you should try to remove from your life. i understand how hard it is to because of immense pressures and well and perceived financial gain/loss (actually not true because the amount of extra pay/promotions you get is combatted by the amount of money you have to spend for the products themselves, so you actually don’t earn more disposable income than makeupless women), but at some point you actually have to change your life and actions to reflect your morals. not doing so is being hypocritical. that sounds mean, but any makeup radfem would agree that in essence they are hypocrites. you can’t always make every action in your life feminist, and constantly having your mind on doing so is not mentally sustainable. 

but if you want the world to change, you have to change first. when little black girls see you, they see another black woman with makeup, they never see the bare faces of black women apart from perhaps their relatives, and they come to accept that as girls and women, it’s what they have to do to be acceptable, to be a “correct” girl. i think women who wear makeup don’t often realise how complicit they are in brainwashing the next generation of girls to do the same. you need to make changes for their sakes, you need to lead by example. you can say “makeup is bad, it hurts your self esteem” all you want, but it means nothing if they only ever see you in makeup, expressing discomfort and shame about her bare face. a mother doesn’t have to call her daughter fat to make her ashamed of her body, she just has to be ashamed of her body around her daughter. we need to break the cycle of perpetuating our own oppression. in terms of gender, males are clever, they actually do very little work. all they had to do was teach one generation of women that they’re worthless and require femininity, and those women will teach the next girls, who will teach the next girls, who will teach the next girls. it has been this way for thousands of years.

i hope this makes sense. i don’t feel anger or hate towards women who wear makeup, even if they’re radfems, i empathise, but i encourage them to commit to their philosophies and enact real world change even on the micro-level, by applying radical feminism to their actual lives. “the personal is political”. 

[derpcakes]

So we watched (nay, Experienced) the BBC/Netflix Dracula series

Brought to us by everyone’s favourite team, Steve Moff and Mark Gatiss, promising to be an innovative and exciting new vision of the classic novel

Boy it was definitely something!!!

First I will say: obviously Moff is not my favourite TV writer and my fam and I did go into this with a bias. I’m happy to report, though, that it’s going to be one of these shows that haunts me forever, because if it had just been bad I could have said “bleh” and deleted it from my brain. But because parts of this were genuinely cool, interesting, and fun, and parts of it genuinely had potential, all the bits that were bad stand out as so much worse and the whole thing feels as cursed as a 500 year old undead count. 

Things that were enjoyable and well put-together:

Van Helsing has been gender-swapped into a vampire-hunting nun and her cat-and-mouse game with Dracula is rife with belligerent sexual tension. I was ready to hate this, and ready for like, Sherlock and Irene Adler 2.0, but their dynamic was actually pretty fun to watch! Their power balance is kept even throughout most of the show, and Helsing is never struck down because of ~womanly failings~ or infantilised. She’s consistently really clever and, even if there are some cringey one-liners, I found her and Draccy’s playful quest to murder each other one of the most fun parts of the show. It could’ve been better, but it was enjoyable! (I also like how Helsing isn’t Young and Hot, but is a capable older lady, and her actor and Draccy’s even seem about the same age. Amazing)

The second episode is a spooky murder mystery/horror mini-movie on a ship, with a cast full of interesting characters who all had different things going on and different relationship dynamics that were compelling to watch. There’s even an interracial gay couple! And they’re like, written pretty sympathetically and to be layered and flawed in ways that didn’t feel too stereotypical! And they don’t die first!! Wack! I understand the bar is on the ground, but it’s still worth a mention

Some fun with vampire lore: Draccy absorbs knowledge and traits from people he drinks blood from (which is how he learns languages. Get Duolingo, dude, stop eating people), leading to the intriguing suggestion that myths like “vampires will die in sunlight” and “vampires are afraid of holy symbols” have kinda become real to him even if they don’t literally work, because he’s swallowed so many people to whom these superstitions and beliefs were law. I’m sure this isn’t the first time this has been done, but groundbreaking or no it was kinda neat

Things that were not enjoyable and well put-together:

EVERYTHING ELSE

Episode 1: a weird speedrun of most of the original novel, feat. weaponised nuns and a weird fixation on whether or not Jonathan Harker and Draccy boned. They did not. Dracula pops out of the body of a wolf and he’s Whole Ass Naked. Him and Van Helsing have a power play where she stands just on the threshold of a convent and calls him a little bitch, knowing he can’t come and get her. A knife is licked. 

Episode 2: aforementioned cool ship horror story. Definitely the best ep. It really makes me think about hbomb’s critique that Moff is pretty good at doing standalone stories (and pilots), but when things are tied into a bigger narrative things get zonkers. 

Episode 3: Things Get Zonkers!!

Let me just. Okay. I have the most to say about this one because this is where things really got batshit. And yet, also really boring? How does that figure? Anyway:

Dracula emerges from under the sea and finds that 123 years have passed and he’s now the star of a Modern AU. Upon setting foot on British sand he is immediately accosted by what appears to be an anti-vampire task force. There’s a helicopter. It is later explained how they knew to pounce on him at this exact moment, but holy god it was wild to watch the entire British Secret Service descend on this one wet bastard in a suit

The editing shifts aggressively in the direction of Sherlock. Mark Gattis is there playing an amazingly annoying character. There’s a fuckign.... Underground Secret Society devoted to studying vampires and they put Drac in a Designated Glass Prison for Smug Geniuses (also as seen in Sherlock). Van Helsing is dead but her great-great-grand-niece is played by the same actress and. Okay. Van Helsing, vampire hunting nun, possesses her descendent and rises through the ether to roast Drac one last time, and he’s DELIGHTED TO SEE HER AGAIN. 

And she has cancer, right, so her blood is poisonous when Draccy tries to bite her, but in the end, right, the end of the episode, right, the final shots of the show, he comes to a place where he’s willing to die, and she’s already dying, and so he drinks her blood and they die together on a table while cinematic metaphor vision shows them having sex in the middle of the sun

There was a badly CGI-ed vampire baby. Jonathan Harker falls from a tower and a scene later they flash back to this event by reversing the footage of him falling down, meaning we just see him go VWOOP up through the air, bouncing off the wall on the way. Van Helsing says the words “come boy, suckle” when she’s goading Drac into drinking her blood. The show sits in a weird middle ground where the characters talk about sex a lot (”dID yOu HaVe sExUaL iNterCOURSE with COUNT DRACULA?”) and Drac is clearly meant to be super magnetic and sexy but the characterisation and cinematography is not horny at all. People have these sexy-type dreams of their lover of choice when Drac is drinking their blood but even those are very boring and weirdly chaste, except of course for the final one where, if I  can take the chance to remind you, Van Helsing and Dracula have symbolic Mind Palace sex inside the centre of the solar system

I can’t speak too much on its quality as an adaptation since I actually haven’t read the book, but splitting the story so that some characters (the Harkers, Van Helsing) existed in the time the story is set, and some (Lucy, Dr Seward) exist in The Modern AU felt very strange. Was there any reason to set the third episode in modern times, apart from the fact that I guess they wanted to do their Sherlock thing again? Or, perhaps, because they wanted to do their Jekyll thing again?? Oh my god, that’s what the editing reminds me of - the small clips of Jekyll I’ve seen. The zooming. The slow-mo. The emphasis on The Monster Man’s weird goddamn teeth

(Also, I don’t really feel qualified to dig too deep into it, but I will say there felt something a bit uncomfortable about Lucy being black in this version, while also being written to be very promiscuous and vain. idk. Also, since it happened in an ep of Sherlock as well, “weedy white Nice Boy rescues the Very Cool woman of colour he has a tragically unrequited crush on” is now an official Moffattis trope)

Count Moffatula is an experience. Its pacing is buck wild. The speeding through the original plot and the mish-mashing of elements in the Modern AU section feels like another expression of contempt for the source material on Moff’s part. Someone says “reality is overrated” in a show set in the 1890s. Draccy quotes a Beatles song. He also makes quippy allusions to having eaten various famous figures and basically winks at the camera every time. Granted, this wasn’t as obnoxious as I was maybe expecting, but there are still too many lines of dialogue where you think “oh, the writers high-fived each other after they wrote that one, huh”. The fact that Moff has such vitriol against fan fic writers is more and more grating every day because this is so, so clearly a zany-ass fanfic that he happens to be getting paid for. The costumes are nowhere near as nice as they could have been, and Dracula’s cape looks like his mum made it for him for the school play in which he is playing Dracula. 

This show is So Much. Watch it to share in this fever dream. Or don’t, and save approximately 5 hours of your life. God. 5 hours. Who was I before Count Maffatula. Who am I now. Why was his cape so bloody ugly. Why did they bone in the centre of the sun

[loveruns]

Can we start popularising the use of the phrasing “trans men” and “trans guys” a bit more? I’m absolutely not saying people have to stop saying “trans boys”, and I understand tumblrs demographic is mostly minors/teens who feel totally comfortable identifying with that term. But I hardly ever see trans masc posts that don’t address the whole community as “boys” and as an adult trans man it’s a little :///

It sounds like a silly thing to pick at but I’ve seen other people express the same feeling. As trans men one of the issues we face is infantilisation and, though 9/10 wholly unintentional, being collectively addressed as boys plays into that just a little bit. Like I said it’s not a huge thing and it’s still 100% ok to use the phrase “trans boy”, but I’m just asking to consider this when addressing an entire community. You wanna make a post addressing younger trans guys? Awesome, call them trans boys if you want to! But if it’s addressing the wider trans male community maybe consider using more general language like “guys” or “dudes” if it’s casual ?? Idk, something to think about.

[artgay]

rip one ugly vent sess

cn. disordered eating, psychosis, relationships, drinking, sex, gendered slur, compulsive lying,

mm like i try too hard 2 sound smooth n eloquent and i hate it i hate it i wish i could jusat say stuff like

- i want to talk abt my psychosis n delusions but i dont fucking understand any of it n im just too scared of it to sound smart abt it + if i cant say it Right, i wont say it at all, 

- i saw my ex today n she was a fucking stranger n there was nothing there n its making me doubt how real any of the past yearr was like i dont miss her but i miss having a person to do stuff with ok maybe i miss her a bit or at least who we were but i Cant bc that means i lose, 

- i think im vapid n pissy n not legitimately in touch w shit enough to b interesting or deep or insightful i try too hard to be n i dnt even know how much of me is real i think im probably all fake at this point, 

- i dont know if i would be close to some of the close ppl in my life if i met them now and isnt that kind of awful, 

- im going out of my fucking mind abt them and tbh im probs only this affected bc when i saw them was the only time ive felt alive and ok in so so long, why cant i be the one that makes me feel ok why is it always other people bc other people never txt u back

- say i think i infantilise myself a lot like uwu im soft n cute pls love me and idk why ok i know why but its a yuck reason, 

- say speaking of that ive had awful night terrors the last two nights n just want to cry abt them lmao im fucking craving getting to tell my psych abt it even if shes decidedly average and actually pretty shit so i should probs bail on her completely ngl but hey shes the best (only) ive got , 

- say i lie a lot about small things --nd maybe big things too- and i hate myself for it but i dont know how to stop being an awful cunt, 

- say becoming active in those bpd fp groups has been the most affirming experience i can remember ,, 

- say i just want to drink and fuck ppl until i dont feel anything, 

- say i wish i could talk to kochava abt shit but i dont think i can, 

- say i’m not enough i try and try and fucking try to be something great and bold and memorable but im an ugly sad  mess of a person lying in the dark alone feeling sorry for myself eating my feelings after nt eating for like three whole days but dw its not Serious, 

- say im not ok abt food i will say disordered eating but i wont say Eating Disorder 

- say i just wish i was more, so much more, i just wish i wasnt this, 

- say i just want someone to hear me