#can no longer have gluten

[solarmorrigan]

Here I am, minding my own business scrolling tumblr, when I happened upon your food porn reblogs. I have to say I feel attacked! Lol! Everything looks so delicious & I’m trying to eat less sugar & carbs, so no fair!

*This is totally in jest, the pics make the food look so good! I enjoy seeing them, I’m just hungry now!!

A targeted attack, clearly

(actually, I was feeling really sick earlier today and was mindlessly clearing out my likes in an attempt to distract myself and didn't realize I'd basically just spammed everyone with food posts until I checked Tumblr several hours later. If I didn't find the Windows rendition of the grimacing emoji so repellent, I would insert it here)

(maybe I can find some nice protein/veggie recipes to reblog next??)

[wigglebox]

“What’s cookin’ good lookin’?”

[the-worms-in-your-bones]

What if I got a service dog, what then (<- guy who definitely can’t afford a service dog)

[ratvich]

contwnt warning for weight loss/talk & disordered(?) eating under cut

uauauaaghhgaghhh ive lost 3 pounds in the past week which like. i guess would be fine for the majority of people? however i am already underweight so it just. is nawt good. and its my fault cause i havent been eating lunch properly the past week cause we usually only have breakfast & dinner at home and im either too tired or too lazy to make myself lunch -_- i know i should just make myself food but urghtgrghhh bleh . surely replacing a meal with the "app" will be fine. bleh

[hylianengineer]

HEY WHAT THE FUCK!

I'm gluten intolerant and didn't know this and I eat cheerios regularly and have presumably been accidentally glutening myself the whole time? Again? Why does this keep happening to me?

Regular Cheerios

[tpwk-formula1]

lando, gluten free, red sauce, onions, chicken, gouda cheese, mozzarella, pulled pork, kale with a sprite, black tea and green tea with dessert please <3

im imagining reader working for his team and they can't stand each other but always end up in each others beds somehow, he catches her flirting w another guy and although he usually wouldn't care for some reason he gets really jealous and has to remind her he's the only one that can have her ? do w this as you wish hehe

Lee-Lee's Pizzeria Menu

gluten-free enemies to lovers red sauce rough sex onions "I saw you being a little slut" chicken "Awe, you thought I'd let you cum that easy?" gouda “Slow down? You just told me to speed up, make up your mind silly girl” mozzarella “All you ever do is bitch and complain, just fucking take it” pulled pork "God, I love when I fuck the attitude out of you" kale "I love knowing I ruined you so good you can only cum when I make you" sprite size kink black tea choking green tea doggy dessert yes served by Lando Norris

Lando x fem! reader

TW - MEAN ASF Lando, crying, choking, 2 ass slaps, creampie, ROUGH sex, honestly just all the warnings :) MDNI 18+

WC 3000+ (sorry I got really into this one!)

Y/N POV

"Lando, you have filming for Quadrant today," I remind Lando softly making him roll his eyes.

"i know my own damn schedule," Lando snapped making me roll my eyes back at him.

"Then why do you need a fucking assistant," I say while throwing my hands up in defeat.

"I don't fucking know. I thought it would be a good idea, instead, I got stuck with you," Lando snapped back making me roll my eyes and get everything together that Lando would need for the Quadrant video.

"I love to see you try and live a week without me hounding on your ass," I snap back while placing Lando's backpack by the front door so he didn't forget it while also getting his lunch together knowing he would leave without eating if I didn't do it.

"I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself," Lando snapped back making me roll my eyes.

"Okay, give me the rest of the week off. I'll be back Monday morning and if you survived then I'll quit no questions asked, but if you don't then you will learn how to respect me and not be an absolute dick to me," I tell him while pulling his food back down onto the counter no longer preparing him food.

"Deal. It's Thursday which means I only have to survive 4 days, I can manage," Lando replied back making me smile and head to the front door to leave.

"Bye, don't be scared to call when you inevitably need help," I say while exiting and heading back to my own apartment.

I spent the rest of my day relaxing and enjoying my time away from Lando knowing tomorrow was gonna be a new day and he was probably gonna call tomorrow when he realized my job wasn't useless like he always liked to claim.

It was Friday at noon and by now I would normally be with Lando planning what his next week would look like but instead, I'm laying out on a yacht with Oscar.

Oscar and I had always been close. We both started the same year and both bonded over being so young working for McLaren and further bonded when I would rant to him about how Lando was treating me.

"Hold on I'm getting a call," I sit up softly picking up my phone to see who was calling.

I showed Oscar the caller ID making both of us smirk and laugh softly.

"Couldn't even go 24 hours," Oscar mutters making me laugh a little harder before I answer the call.

"Why are you with him," Lando seethed the second I answered my phone.

"Oh, quit it Lando. Do you need me or are you just interrupting my weekend off," I snap back at him having no patience for his jealous ass.

"Get your ass back to my apartment," Lando snapped back making me roll my eyes.

"Lando if this isn't for work related issues then I will not be coming over until I am done hanging out with my friend," I reply back emphasizing the word friend.

"Y/N I swear to God if you don't get you ass to my apartment in the next hour you will lose your job," Lando said back.

"And you're gonna tell Zak what exactly? 'I want her removed from my team cause she was hanging out with Oscar and I was a jealous twat who couldn't get my dick wet.' Sounds real mature Lando Norris. I will come over later tonight," I tell him finalizing my plan before hanging up on him before he could say anything else.

"I don't understand why you won't make it official," Oscar says with a raised brow making me raise my brow mirroring his actions.

"He's inmature and doesn't know what he wants," I tell Oscar softly climbing back onto the couch so Oscar and I can continue soaking up the sun.

"I just know he's call Max to use his yacht right now to track your ass down," Oscar says with a smirk making me laugh.

"Probably," I reply honestly.

"You ever gonna put him out of his misery and become his?" Oscar asks making me think hard before answering.

"I don't know. Definitely not until he starts respecting my work," I tell Oscar softly making him nod his head.

"I think that's fair. Maybe this weekend will open his eyes to realize how much you do for him. Going above and beyond what is in your job description," Oscar replies back making me smile, happy he understands.

"Hell, I too wouldn't want to share you if you prepared my lunches, made sure I had time allotted for a break, and spent the night in my bed," Oscar says smirking at the last part making me roll my eyes.

Oscar and I had a teasing relationship closer to siblings than lovers and it was refreshing to be close with someone in this crazy life we both live.

"You're an ass for that, Piastri," I say while laughing softly.

We spent the rest of the afternoon tanning and enjoying each others calm presence before we decided to dock and head back to our individual apartments.

"Better not find out I'm gonna be an uncle in 4 to 6 weeks," Oscar says with a smirk across his face making me roll my eyes and close the door to my apartment while Oscar walks the rest of the way to his.

Lando, Oscar and I all live in the same building making it easy to have group dinners or see each other when we are getting bored or lonely.

I hadn't even been back to my own room for 5 minutes when I hear a pounding on my front door making me roll my eyes knowing it could only be one person making such a scene.

"Open the door," I hear Lando say in a sing-song voice being far more menacing than I would prefer.

"What is your damn problem," I snap when I swing open the door making Lando shove his way through the door before taking my neck into his big hands and squeezing choking me slightly while he pushes me against the door.

"I saw you being a little slut. All cuddled up with Oscar in the middle of the water," Lando says getting closer to my face and showing me just how upset he is.

"You know damn well it's not like that," I snap back getting just as angry at him.

"Do I know that though? Cause between fans spying on yall and your own snap story it looks like you were dressed into next to nothing cuddled right up to Oscar's side," Lando scoffs back squeezing my throat a bit tighter making it more difficult to breathe.

"You're ridiculous you know that," I say while gripping his wrist trying to pry his grip off of me. Lando finally releases my neck but quickly grips my hard into a death grip and yanks me through my apartment where he dumps me near the bed.

I was on the floor when Lando situates me onto my knees before he quickly pulls his pants down with his briefs leaving his hard cock to bounce freely between us.

"Don't make me fucking tell you want to do," Lando snaps when I make no move to take him into my mouth,

"You're pathetic," I mutter softly before I take Lando into my mouth. I knew he heard me when his hands were on the back of my head again pushing his whole length into my throat making me gag and instantly start to tear up.

"I'm fucking pathetic? You're the one crying on my cock less than 10 seconds after giving it to you. Bet your fucking pussy is weeping too," Lando says while holding my head in place and brutally fucking into my mouth making me repetitively take him into my mouth. Once Lando has fucked my face for a few seconds he shoves his whole length into my mouth and holding me on his cock for several seconds making me gag and cry around his cock hitting his hips trying to get away from his brutal attack.

Once Lando pulls out of my mouth I yank my head away best as possible while I gasp and cough for air.

"Not so rough," I whisper softly through my hoarse voice.

Lando just pulls me back onto his cock and starts fucking my face again. Still rough but nowhere near as rough as he had been.

“All you ever do is bitch and complain, just fucking take it,” Lando grunts while still pumping his cock into my mouth. I can feel my tears have completely soaked my cheeks and my own spit in starting to trail down the front of my neck making me look like a proper used-up whore.

"God, I love destroying you," Lando says smirking when he pulled me off his cock leaving me to heave in heavy breaths while he stared down at my ruined face.

"Look most beautiful when you're wrapped around my cock," Lando whispers with a smirk before softly biting my earlobe making me whimper at the feeling.

Lando helps me to my feet where he quickly pulls the swim suit cover I was wear off leaving me in my bikini I had been wearing. I cringed slightly when Lando was eyeing my bikini.

"Turn around," Lando says roughly making me turn in curiousity. When Lando got a view of my ass he instantly slapped it leaving a large hand print behind.

"For someone who says Oscar and you aren't more than friends you're leaving far too little for his imagination. You think sweet little Oscar could destroy your pussy even half as good as me," Lando says stepping closer to my back making me rest softly against him.

"No Lando, only you. You literally fucking ruined me for anyone else," I cry out in confession. It had been true, ever since Lando and I got involved I hadn't been able to finish with anyone but Lando. Even my trusted vibrator was now useless.

"Oh is that true?" Lando says clearly a smirk laced in his voice.

"Yes, I literally can't even make myself cum anyone," I confess in pure annoyance at the situation.

"I love knowing I ruined you so good you can only cum when I make you," Lando says while turning me back around so I can see his face.

"I hate you," I whisper back.

"That's a fucking lie and we both know it," Lando whispered back getting closer to my mouth before finishing his sentence by kissing my lips.

I whimper into the rough kiss when I feel Lando start pulling at the strings of my bikini leaving me completely bare for Lando's rough hands to continue to explore my body.

When I feel Lando's large hands grip my ass I whimper out that quickly turns into a strangled cry when he roughly lands a slap on my ass.

"That side was jealous," Lando says smirking against my lips.

Lando roughly pulls his shirt off leaving him completely naked before he roughly throws me onto the bed where I bounce a couple times before Lando is gripping onto my foot and pulling me into him where he is kneeling on the ground next to the bed.

My pussy was now at face level with Lando who wastes absolutely no time to pull my clit into his mouth and start eating me out like a starved man.

"Oh fuck Lan," I moan softly when I feel Lando slowly slip two fingers into my pussy.

"Fuck, so fucking sweet," Lando groans before standing up and towering over my body and spitting into my mouth making me gasp in shock.

"Fuck I love when you're like this," Lando groans getting back onto his knees and continuing to eat my pussy out like a starved man. When he puts his fingers back into my pussy he's not nearly as gentle this time. He quickly shoves them in finding my G-spot with no trouble and attacking it.

"Oh my god Lando," I scream out and clench around him in preparation for the orgasm I can feel building in the pit of my stomach.

"Please Lan," I moan when I can feel myself on the edge of cumming. But instead of Lando giving me permission like I thought he would he rips his fingers and mouth away ripping my orgasm away with them.

"Lando what the actual fuck," I heave sitting up slightly only to be pushed back down.

"Awe, you thought I'd let you cum that easy?" Lando says with a smirk making me want to slap him across the face. Instead I just clench my hands at my side.

"Lando please," I finally beg out when I calmed down. Lando didn't say anything he just roughly flipped me onto my stomach before he pulled me onto all fours and pushed his dick into me.

Lando gave me no time to adjust, he just quickly started fucking into my tight pussy making me whimper.

"Too big," I gasp when I finally find my voice making Lando speed up his actions on my pussy.

"You can fucking take it," Lando says snapping his hips into mine making me whimper at the hard thrusts.

Lando pulls me up by me hair so he was still fucking into me but my back was now pressed against his chest where he moves his hand from my hair to my neck and giving it a hard squeeze making my eyes tear up again from the choking.

"Close," I gasp in a stranged moan not being able to breathe fully.

"Cum on my cock," Lando roughly states making me instatly start cumming all over his cock.

"Fuck Lando," I moan through my orgasm while Lando squeezes hard on my throat completely cutting my airflow off as I'm cumming only making it that much more intense. When my orgasm ended only then did Lando release my throat making me gasp for air.

"Lando," I scream when he continues to fuck into me as I fall out of his arms and back into doggy position.

"Please Lan, it's too much," I whine losing all fight I once had in my body.

"You can take it, love," Lando tells me softly while slowing his thrusts to let me catch my breath for a second.

"So pretty all fucked out," Lando mumbles before speeding his thrusts up and continuing to fuck into my overused pussy.

"Faster," I beg when I feel another orgasm starting to build up again. This one coming in far faster and stronger than the previous one.

"Cum for me," Lando grunts when he can feel my pussy clenching for another release. I instantly cum all over his cock again barely able to hold my body up anymore. I would have completely fallen into the bed had Lando not been holding me up by the hips.

Lando continues his hard and fast thrusts even after I have come down from my orgasm making me cry out again in overstimulation.

"Slow down," I scream out only making Lando speed up.

“Slow down? You just told me to speed up, make up your mind silly girl,” Lando grunts out before sending one final thrust into my pussy before I feel his hot cum start splashing my walls letting me know Lando was cumming deep into my pussy.

"Oh Lan," I gasp and fall half onto the bed while my legs dangle over the side. When Lando was slipping out of my pussy he made sure to pull out slowly to make sure to not overstimulate me further.

"Don't leave," I gasp when I watch Lando start retreating into the bathroom making him turn around and lock eyes with me.

"I'm gonna leave you. I'm just gonna grab something to clean you up," Lando tells me softly before disappearing into my bathroom and grabbing a rag before coming back into my room and cleaning my sore pussy up softly.

"Hurts Lan," I whine when he brushes against my sensitive clit with the rough rag.

"I'm sorry," Lando mumbles sheepishly.

I feel Lando observing me while I slowly climb into bed properly getting under my covers and pulling my blanket up to my chin as I watch Lando throw on his boxers before picking up his shirt and softly placing it on me.

"Thanks," I reply softly as Lando climbs into the bed next to me.

"God, I love when I fuck the attitude out of you. Now you're sitting here all pretty and blissed out," Lando tells me softly making me smile up at him.

"I don't like the way you dismiss my work," I tell him softly finally opening up about my feelings.

"I could barely survive today, please come to work with me tomorrow," Lando says turning his body towards me so I can look at him.

"Fine, but you better start having some respect for me all the time, not just during post nut clarity," I tell him back making him blush just thinking about what just transpired between us.

"And you owe me a plan B I promised Osc he wouldn't become an uncle in 4 to 6 weeks," I tell Lando making the both of us start laughing.

"Deal, and I promise from now on I promise I'll stop being condescending and undermining you. I realized how much you really do for me. I didn't eat until dinner cause I forgot about a meeting and had no time to grab anything," Lando confesses making me smile and laugh lightly.

"Didn't even realize I was such a pain that you were feeding me too," Lando admits hiding his face in my neck due to embarrassment.

"And I wanna work on us. I wanna build a better friendship between us so one day I can make you mine," Lando says once he pulls his face from my neck.

"I would like that Lando," I admit softly before pulling his face close to mine and giving him a soft kiss.

"I wanna keep doing this though and maybe sometimes not so rough," I tell Lando making him break out into a blushing smile.

"Deal. I would love to spend my time worshipping your body," Lando tells me softly making me turn red.

[melshifting]

ULTIMATE COOKING SCRIPTING PACK ― ⋆˚✿˖

❝What do you put in your meals to make them so addictive?❞

― ꒰#01꒱ If you don’t have an ingredient, you know exactly what to substitute without losing flavor― “We’re out of eggs” and you barely blink before making something even better than the original recipe.

― ꒰#02꒱ A single taste, and you can deconstruct any dish. Not just the ingredients, but the techniques, exact proportions, and even the chef's subconscious choices while cooking.

― ꒰#03꒱ Leftovers in your hands aren't just reheated, they evolve - their flavor and even texture improve exponentially.

― ꒰#04꒱ No spice is ever too overpowering in your cooking. You balance even the most aggressive flavors, making every dish taste like it was meant to be exactly that way.

― ꒰#05꒱ Your kitchen knives are forever sharp—slicing feels like cutting through air, no effort, no sawing.

― ꒰#06꒱ You can whisk egg whites into stiff peaks with barely any effort. The perfect meringue forms under your hands before your arms start aching.

― ꒰#07꒱ Your hands always stay clean, no matter how much you knead dough, handle spices, or work with sticky ingredients.

― ꒰#08꒱ Failed recipes? Not in your vocabulary—you sense when the dough needs a little more rest, when the batter needs an extra stir, when the oven temp needs a slight adjustment.

― ꒰#09꒱ You can fix any dish on the spot. Too salty? Too bland? Too dry? You instinctively know how to bring it back to life.

― ꒰#10꒱ Cooking for a crowd? You never miscalculate portions—nobody leaves hungry, and there are just enough leftovers to be appreciated, never wasted.

― ꒰#11꒱ You can tell when food is done just by looking at it. No timers, no thermometers—just an instinct so strong that you never overcook or undercook anything.

― ꒰#12꒱ Your food never sticks to pans. Even when you forget to grease them, even when using stainless steel, everything releases easily.

― ꒰#13꒱ No matter how much you cook, you never get that overwhelming “food fatigue.” You could spend an entire day in the kitchen and still sit down to enjoy the meal with full appreciation.

― ꒰#14꒱ You never burn your tongue, even when you taste something straight off the stove. Piping hot soup? Freshly baked cookies? Your mouth welcomes them with perfect resilience.

― ꒰#15꒱ Every ingredient in your fridge and pantry seems to last just a little longer than expected, giving you enough time to use everything before it even thinks of going bad.

― ꒰#16꒱ You can effortlessly adjust any recipe to match someone’s dietary needs without sacrificing taste. Vegan, gluten-free, keto? They won’t even realize it’s been modified.

― ꒰#17꒱ Chopping an onion? Not a single tear. Peeling garlic? One effortless motion. Every frustrating kitchen task becomes second nature

― ꒰#18꒱ Cooking over an open flame feels natural to you. Fire pits, campfires, BBQ grills—you instinctively know how to control the heat, sear, and get the best flavors from just flame and smoke.

― ꒰#19꒱ Somehow, no matter how chaotic your kitchen looks while cooking, everything cleans up effortlessly—like the mess never existed.

― ꒰#20꒱ You’re the reason people fall in love with foods they thought they hated. Someone who swore despised mushrooms takes one bite of your dish and suddenly, they reconsider their entire existence.

[lolashifts]

SHIFTING ISN'T SPECIAL

please bare with me on this one bc it might be a bit longer than i expected (and excuse my very bad title-naming skills 😭)

in this essay i will try to put down in words exactly what i realised today as i started my first day into reprogramming my mind, something that i’m doing while following reya singh’s method. what is that?

shifting IS easy.

yes, i know everybody says it, but it’s the truth and i’m not telling you this as someone who shifts regularly to her drs, because i don’t (yet!). however, it did just click in my mind why people always say it and mean it. and i feel incredibly stupid for not understanding it waaay earlier than just now, 4 years into my journey.

now, let me walk you through the thought process behind this.

in reya’s 4-day method for reprogramming your mind, she instructs to write a list of your beliefs and non-beliefs. this may sound really silly and kinda useless at first - believe me, i woke up this morning thinking “what exactly am i supposed to do after that?” - but there’s a valid reason for it, which is to help you delete from your mind the idea that shifting is like a superpower that’s simply not for everyone and very hard to reach, when that is not the case at all!

in my own beliefs list, i’ve written “i am capable of shifting” right in between “i can speak english”, “i can write and read” and “i can eat --” (and some other things like “i can’t eat gluten”, bc i have celiac disease, “i can dream”, we all do! and “i can lucid dream”). you see where i’m going with this? i’m putting shifting in the same category as things we all normally do, that we sometimes don’t even think about doing since they’re such a natural activity. to this list i could add “i can breathe”, because we do it automatically, without even realising unless we focus on it. the same can be said for drinking or eating really, if you’re angry or thirsty you just go and get whatever pleases you the most and not dwell on it.

in the non-beliefs list, i’ve written obvious things like santa and the easter bunny (which isn’t common here in italy tbf but yeah) and sentences like “i can’t swim”, “i can’t draw”, “i can’t eat strawberries” and in between them also “i don’t fear shifting”. here, the point is that all these listed beliefs are stuff i know for a fact to be false: i can swim perfectly, i am an artist and i love strawberries + i’m not allergic to them or anything. by placing shifting there, i'm stating that just like i KNOW i can swim or whatever, i also KNOW i'm not scared of shifting.

you’re literally gaslighting your subconscious mind into believing what is real for a fact and what isn’t.

after writing down this list, which can be done on paper just like on your preferred device, i reread everything twice explaining to myself why i chose these things and why they are beliefs or not. that’s how i realised that shifting is easy. when people talk about it “clicking” they weren’t lying!

shifting isn’t special, this is what the list thing tries to prove you. it’s not special because, just like breathing and eating and reading, we do it subconsciously everyday. take your own first language: you speak it naturally without having to doubt it, and if you know a second language well enough like i know english for instance (my mother-tongue is italian) then you can even start talking to yourself and think in that language without having to search up translations.

what’s the difference with shifting then?

the difference is that shifting hasn’t been taught to us in the same way as a language has been, all throughout school. the same thing goes for reading and writing: we read and write naturally because we’ve been taught how to when we were young and it’s now engraved in our brains, just like with learning our first language, which is something we normally do thanks to our teachers, our families and the people around us, of course. this doesn’t happen with shifting in most cases, as we all know, which means it’s normal for it to take a bit to grasp as a concept and existing thing/activity. it’s natural, most of us human beings just don’t know about it, nor that we’re capable of doing it.

this is why i said it’s not special: just like breathing, everybody can do it (and so do you)!

going back to the non-beliefs list; i should also add that as a society we usually are taught what to believe in from a young age, and specifically what is believed to be a fantasy, a dream, or something real. as grown-ups, though, we have the right to believe in whatever we want, like shifting. as a realistic person, i understand that some people may have a hard time believing something as great as shifting could be true, because it genuinely doesn’t sound like it! so yes, this is also a factor that can and does make it harder for someone to trust their guts and expect to wake up somewhere that’s only fictional here.

shifting clicks for everybody at different times, but i hope this post will help some of you here understand it better and know that what more experienced shifters say always has a meaning, you just need the time to properly reflect on it to get it!

when it clicked for me a few hours ago i felt a huge rush of adrenaline and happiness bc yes, i can actually shift. i’m just overcomplicating it for no reason and so many of you are doing the same!

it’s okay though, we’ll all get there <3

(psa: if you saw any grammar mistakes or anything NO YOU DIDN'T and also please don't mind if this rant doesn't sound logical, i tried my best to explain myself like i wanted to 🥲)

[hrrtshape]

hi!! im a huge fan. i know you said you were in a yapping mood, and i was curious about the boarding school st. lazarus you made that you mentioned in ur better cr!

just wondering like, everything. what's the culture there, is there a uniform, stories of you && coryo ,, etc. the scoop if you will. thankyouthankyou!

ok so it's not a boarding school!!!!!!!! i know. day school. tragically. i go home. i live 40 minutes away if i'm walking which is crazy because if you look at nyc from a map you'd think that'd be like 5 minutes. i just go straight and then turn a corner and then straight. if it's raining i'll stand outside and text "someone bring me a helicopter" with full sincerity. anyway. my boyfriend drives me to school because he loves me very very very very very very very much i hope

somehow it's always longer than it should be. like it bends. like manhattan bends around this stupid school and steals five minutes from me every single day

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so it's in carnegie hill which means everyone's parents have very loud opinions on rezoning and once a girl's dad tried to sue a bakery for serving him gluten when he emotionally believed it was gluten-free. anyway. the school. it's not a boarding school (tragic). it's a 30k per semester day school. thirty. thousand. per semester. i'm not embarrassed. but saying it feels like i'm daring god to smite me. or like. calling the irs to chat

the building is huge. horrifying. old in a way that's not romantic but structurally concerning. it looks like someone said "what if we did hogwarts but took out the whimsy and added asbestos." there are lions carved into the stonework and they glare down at you like you cheated on your latin test

pigeons sit on their heads and act like they own the place. they probably do. they've been here longer than the freshman

there's a plaque on the front gate that's written in a mix of latin and threatening serif. it says something about "truth" and "light" and "excellence through adversity" which feels aggressive when you're already late and holding a bagel with no napkin. the gates are black and heavy and creak when they open, which would be dramatic if it wasn't also deeply annoying when you're holding an iced coffee and a binder and your keycard fell in a drain ten minutes ago.

you walk in and there's a courtyard with a marble fountain that sounds like it's trying to win an oscar for sound design. like. you can hear it from the third floor english hallway if the windows are open. which they always are. because the school has money for koi ponds and augmented reality labs but refuses to invest in functional air circulation. priorities

sometimes people hang out by the fountain. usually to "study." they don't. they vape and talk about other people's siblings. sometimes there's a violinist. he's not employed by the school. he's just.......… around. someone said he used to teach here. someone else said he's a ghost. either way he plays vivaldi at 8:04am and no one stops him.

the inside of the building is just as dramatic. the staircases creak. the hallways echo. the floors are so shiny it's like walking on guilt. the ceilings have mouldings. the kind of mouldings that feel legally protected. and there's chandeliers. not one. not two. several. for no reason. i asked a teacher once why they were there and she just said "aesthetic legacy." ok. roger that

the library is two floors and has a spiral staircase and a librarian who once gave someone detention for dog-earing a penguin classics edition of ulysses. there's a rumour that she lives in the archive room. she denies it. but her mug says "my blood type is dewey decimal" so like. we know

every room has a plaque with a name. the balthazar science suite. the cohen humanities corridor. the bishop astor media centre. i don't know who these people are. probably donors. probably ghosts. probably both. my theory is that for every building donation, someone's spirit gets trapped inside the walls and has to haunt the photocopier until the next capital campaign

also the bell system is weird. it doesn't ring. it chimes. like a cursed nursery rhyme. three soft tones. a lullaby for overachievers. it plays at the start and end of every period and the tone literally says "this is a prestigious institution where we will kill you. gently." we all just stand up and move. no one questions it

the front office smells like printer ink and lavender and passive aggression. the admin staff have name tags and clipboards and a kind of cheerful menace. if you forget your id, they give you a visitor badge and a look. you know the one. the one that says "you are disappointing the ancestors"

we have vending machines that sell eel rolls. eel rolls. vending machine. eel. there's a recording studio next to the planetarium. a tea room on the mezzanine floor with like. napkin rings. a greenhouse on the roof. not metaphorically. physically.

there's a hallway that smells like lavender and another that smells like laser ink and the cafeteria has a sushi bar. the drama kids keep trying to rehearse in the speakeasy study room but no one has the spine to kick them out. there's a girl who takes off her shoes in the meditation room and everyone lets her because her dad's on the board. her feet smell

you get assigned an alumni mentor. you get a starbucks account. you get handed a schedule and it says "literature studies" and "fencing" and you go ok.

the uniforms are stiff. they're good-looking. it's like navy and light grey and sometimes white if it's a formal day. i love em. the blazers have embroidery. people have names on their tags. one guy in our year tried to make a "casual fridays" movement happen and it got shut down within twenty minutes. he's still mad about it.

i'm in the yearbook committee. and blackmailed my way into the school council. coryo's in model un and the school council and also is the captain of the basketball team. he runs all three. like of course he does wow it makes sense why the school's a bit of a dictatorship. he edits my essays. he pretends not to.

he sits behind me in world history and once threw a folded-up packet of xeroxed court documents at my head. we kissed in the art gallery stairwell after a student-led climate panel. someone definitely saw. no one said anything. he sends me stupid little messages like meet me in the greenhouse in five minutes or i will swallow soil

the school is… ,,,,,,,,,,.........i don't even know. it's not weird. it's not dark academia. it's not euphoria. it's just full. there's always something. the girl next to you is learning japanese for fun. the boy across from you is mad he didn't win the tech competition and now he's rebuilding his robot from scratch. people write tok essays like they're letters to the un.

you know that one vending machine in the library hallway that just. doesn't work. ever. but they won't replace it because someone's cousin is on the tech team and they say it's "being monitored?????????? yeah. that's the one that ate my money three times and gave coryo a vitamin water once that was probably somehow five years expired. we drank it. it was fine. we felt immortal for two days.

there's this girl in my history class who prints everything on cream-coloured paper. like not white. not off-white. full-on brutalist parisian memoir coloured paper. no one knows where she buys it. someone said her godfather works in publishing. i don't care. i just want to know how she gets her margins to align so cleanly

people keep acting like the greenhouse is some rare oasis of calm but it's genuinely so humid in there i get angry. physically angry. and the girl who runs the gardening club walks around misting things and won't let anyone open the window. "they'll dry out." ok. and i'll pass out. do you want me on the floor with a nosebleed or do you want your basil alive. choose

there's an unofficial rule that if you get caught crying in the staircase between the music wing and the robotics closet, someone has to give you gum. doesn't matter who. doesn't matter what kind. it's like a tax. last week it was coryo. he gave someone a whole pack of orbit and then made fun of them for liking debussy. it's a vicious cycle. i got annoyed. like. why are you giving someone gum??? asshole

the english teacher keeps trying to make fetch happen. and she never blinks. and she once told us she translated the iliad by hand for fun. anyway she terrifies me and i respect her more than most people in my life

every wednesday there's a girl who stands outside the student council office with a clipboard. she has braces and the power of god behind her. she's been "collecting names" for three years. we don't know what for. she never tells anyone. you just see her. and you sign. and you hope you're on the good list. like santa. but santa won't write an expose in forbes about you in 20 years. coriolanus has not signed and im scared he's gambling our future children and riches away !!!!!!!

they installed a water refill station that plays bird noises. no one asked for it. no one knows who requested it. but the noises change sometimes??? one day it was seagulls. one day it was tropical rainforest ambience. one day it made no noise and it felt wrong. everyone just stood there like…………. where's the bird

there's a rumour that if you're on the debate team you get a special locker near the server room and it has better wifi. this might be true. the debate team all carry portable chargers and look smug. one of them definitely stole my charger in september and said it was a necessary strategic acquisition.

the sushi bar in the cafeteria has a tip jar. it's not real. it's just there for atmosphere. someone once left a poem in it. someone else left a band-aid. i once saw lilyrose drop in a metrocard and walk away with no expression. when i asked him he just said it had 37 cents on it. ok.

also there's a corner of the art gallery where the lights flicker and the head of visual arts keeps saying "we're working on it" but it's been three years and it still flickers and it still smells like whiteboard cleaner and every time i stand there for too long i feel like i'm about to have a vision. which is fine. because that's where coryo kissed me. during climate week. while holding a binder. because romance is dead and i killed it with my bare hands

we have a school-wide wi-fi network that everyone hates but won't admit they use. it's called lazarussecure. the password is stlazarusnewyork btw. so cool. except it's not secure. it's slow. it breaks during lunch. there's this one girl in my english class who has her own hotspot and she's basically a god now

someone made a meme page for our year group and admin tried to take it down. didn't work. it got funnier

we once had an assembly where the guest speaker was an alum who started a skincare line. she talked about collagen for thirty straight minutes. someone fainted. it wasn't related. they just hadn't eaten. but it made the whole thing feel very dramatic and cultish

ohhhhhhh by the way we have such a cool conference hall like grah

ok so i need you all to remember that 90% of these people are rich and choose to be STUPID on purpose. like it's a decision. no one's asking them to act like this. no one's holding a gun to their head saying "pronounce rousseau like 'ra-soo.'" they just do it. they just wake up and think "hmm. what if i interpreted reality incorrectly today." and then they do. and everyone claps

there are cliques. obviously

the ones whose parents are on boards.

the ones who summer in places that don't have google street view

the ones who are secretly broke but act like they own equestrian land in monaco

the ones who actually do own equestrian land in monaco and won't shut up about it.

the kids with bodyguards.

the kids with cousins in congress.

the kids who think they're main character just because they went to harrow for a term and cried. THEYRE NOT THEY SUCKY SUCK

right. it's more like gravity. there's just groups and proximity and whoever got invited to blair's birthday brunch that one time. that's how it works. there's the girls who are on varsity dance and have initials for names. em. vee. jay. they eat protein bars in the hallway and their entire lives run on a tight rotation of toner, sleep-deprived charisma, and gym shark discount codes. they all have matching water bottles. no one knows who started it. they just do

there's the boys who wear the blazers wrong. never buttoned. sleeves slightly rumpled. perfect gelled hair but in a way that says i didn't try even though we all saw them adjusting it in the stainless steel reflection on the juice bar. they're the ones who take econ because they want to "go into finance" and then get a b+ and cry behind the server room. losers

you've never seen someone fall apart like a boy who realises he's mid at game theory

you've got the legacy kids who show up to ethics class late with a coffee the size of their head and say things like "oh i talked to my mom's assistant about that" in response to......anything. they don't even mean it in a bad way. they just don't know how conversations work. someone once said the sentence "my grandfather owns a minority stake in a war documentary distributor" in front of me and i still think about it at least once a week

then there's the student council-adjacent types. like me. like hi. sparkle sparkle. i'm glinda. i'm involved. i'm everywhere. i'm the one you ask if you want to know what movie to watch when you're sad but want to feel like a parisian orphan. i'm the one who shows up to the student council meeting with a dirty chai latte and three highlighters and sits next to coryo like i'm not also plotting to make the vending machines sell melon soda. we're not power-hungry. we're just very charming and very effective. ok

the artsy kids are a disaster in the best way. they take up half the cafeteria with their sketchbooks and chipped nail polish and i'm doing a piece on emotional scale. ok. what does that mean. do you need help. they always look cold. they always have a sharpie in their pocket. one of them has painted the same vase for two years straight and no one has the courage to ask why. someone said it's a metaphor. i think she just likes the shape

science olympiad is half future billionaires and half kids who peaked at nine. they do everything in groups of four. they walk in a diamond formation. they have inside jokes about like. cell cultures and arsenic poisoning. one of them made a powerpoint about the logistics of time travel and presented it unprompted during english media culture. i think he cried. no one said anything. we all just clapped once and moved on

the musical theatre kids……….. ok. well. i don't know what the drama kids are doing half the time. but they're actually not that bad. i know i KNOW but listen. they're too tired to be annoying this year. they're overworked. they're always running lines or painting sets or begging the tech team to stop turning off the lights during rehearsal. i was supervising their set production and actually....learned a lot of lines of hamlet. words, words, words. i caught one of them asleep under the piano in the recital hall and just left him there. he looked peaceful. like a corpse

the yearbook committee is a warzone. i'm on it. i've fought people over captions. we don't have time to pretend we're "the quirky creatives." we're too busy fighting the layout software and sending passive aggressive emails about photo quality.

the newspaper kids are worse. they think they're reporters. they call meetings. they act like they're about to uncover watergate and then write 600 words on why the vending machines reflect late-stage capitalism. YOU ARE NOT CARY GRANT IN HIS GIRL FRIDAY DO YOU HEAR ME

then there's the floater rich kids. they're the ones who are somehow in three clubs but no one's ever seen them attend a meeting. they get asked to be on every committee. they say maybe a lot. they're hot and loud and mostly run on charisma and la mer moisturiser. one of them once said i'd join model un but i don't want to fix anything. i kind of respect that

and finally you've got the weird in-betweeners who aren't really in anything but somehow have access to everything.

they know all the locker combos. they've sat in on meetings they weren't invited to. they walk around during third period with a school-issued ipad and the kind of confidence that suggests they're either a spy or someone's nephew. i don't know how they do it. they're not mean. they're not sweet. they're just… there. haunting the group chat. sending pdfs no one asked for. being ten minutes early to everything and still shocked when people don't know their name.

also there's a genre of boy here that i have no name for but you know him. he's on the basketball team but also takes latin. he carries a protein shake in a carabinered bottle and quotes catch-22 like it's a flex. he wears his backpack on one shoulder and says things like "the gatsby movie was better than the book actually" with conviction. he flirts horribly and when you call him out he says you're projecting. coryo has almost become one of them at least twice. i keep him humble to the bone

then there's the girls who are always leaving. they've been "moving to paris" for four semesters now. they walk into school in sunglasses and leave before fifth period and you ask "where are you going?" and they say "pilates." they're never in class but somehow always at events. they know what they're doing

there's a specific war happening between the ethics and morality class and the tech help desk. it's unspoken. they fight with eye contact. i don't know the origins but it has to do with a socratic seminar that devolved into a presentation about "data laundering in school-issued devices." one of the tech desk kids just kept saying "open source doesn't mean you're free." whatever that means. i don't know. i liked the poster !!!???!?!?

our student council president (also my boyfriend. hi. he's rich. (off screen squealing) keeps saying we should "streamline the student body." he won't explain what that means the fucking loser. he says it's metaphorical. he also said "i could run this place with four people and a fountain pen." which is terrifying. he might be right

there is a girl who keeps writing to admin demanding a rebrand of the cafeteria lunch trays. she said the beige plastic was "a violent affront to contemporary palettes." she started a change.org petition. she got sixty signatures. someone drew devil horns on it and left it taped to the aquarium.

she cried. then doubled down

the group chat for my english class has not been normal since the first month. someone keeps changing the name. someone else keeps adding random faculty. we live in fear. one time it was called "wednesday suicide pact (annotated)." the teacher never addressed it. she just posted a pdf of a sylvia plath essay and logged off. no one's heard from her since

the alumni mentor programme is a scam. they matched me with a woman who wrote for the cut in 2013 and now freelances about "narrative wellness." we had one zoom. she told me i had "old eyes." what does that mean. she sent me a playlist. i haven't opened it

there's a hallway in the second building where no one gets signal. we call it the dead zone. someone once said you can hear the school crying in there if you listen hard enough

i said it just smells like broken radiator and whatever perfume the year 10 girls are all copying from each other. no one laughed

the kids in architecture club are building a miniature model of the school for "posterity." they said it's about "documenting space under capitalism." i said ok. they said they needed hair samples for scale. i left

also there's a boy who wears sunglasses in the planetarium. every time. he says it's for light sensitivity. he is the same boy who threw up during theatre week because he ate an entire tin of espresso beans before curtain call.

he's now banned from the recital hall. but he still shows up. every single time. sunglasses on

ok also the starbucks. sorry. the ON-CAMPUS starbucks. yes we have one. yes it's open before first period. yes it has a staff punch card system. no we don't work there. we're just that powerful. it's inside the arts building which is probably illegal because the floor plan says "cultural annex" but it literally has a drinks fridge and one guy named aiden who always spells my name wrong on purpose. whatever

we have a dynamic.

i get the soy milk matcha latte. every. single. time. the girl who runs the milk rotation tried to shade me for it once and i just said "it's me and the latte against the world." and she nodded. we haven't spoken since. i don't care if it's overpriced.

i don't care if it's not "real matcha." it's green. it's sweet. it makes me feel invincible. sometimes i drink it too fast and shake in tok but that's between me and my spiralling metaphysical assumptions

we ball.

anyway. the starbucks also does this thing where they play weird music during first period. like not even lo-fi. i'm talking glitched out 2010s youtube ad-core. one time it was just a looped sample of someone whispering "capitalist hellscape" over nature sounds. someone must've made a complaint because now it's mostly jazz. except last week they played the national anthem on loop for forty minutes. no one said anything.

we were all too scared. especially me who's not an american but russian so i constantly feel like someone's about to grab me with a net and send me out to siberia. I WAS BORN IN PARIS NICOLE OKAY???? I DONT TALK TO BEARS . wow okay.

we have gourmet vending machines. i know i mentioned the eel rolls but did i tell you they also do tiny tiramisus???? @kerryshifts move in??? and soba bowls. and for some reason........... gluten-free pistachio biscotti?? which i'm like ok mum's influence is showing ig like............. she probably owns the supplier. leash, collar, bunny tail and all. they also once stocked blue cheese and no one took accountability for it. like it was just there. fermenting in public. rotting with confidence

like most of the boys in there who said that

the tea room has a reservation system. which is stupid. i hate it. i use it every week. it's on the mezzanine and it has actual place cards and a rotating menu and a girl named juliette who pronounces "camomile" like it's a threat. i go there between double english and model un. coryo always finds me. he never books. he just shows up and makes fun of how i hold my fork and drinks my tea even though he said he "doesn't trust infusions." he's dramatic. he's obsessed with me. it's so sickening oh if someone could save me

also there are three water fountains in the east building. one of them's normal. one of them is broken. one of them plays rainforest ambience when you press the button. this isn't a joke. it makes little chirping bird noises and everything. i don't know who coded it. i don't know who installed it. i asked the facilities guy once and he just said "it's on a loop." ok??? what kind of loop. what kind of bird. there's no plaque. i'm repeating myself.....wow ok im going insane

we have a zen garden. you're not allowed to touch it. someone did once and got a full write-up and a week of detention. she didn't even step on it. she just leaned in. there's a motion sensor. it went off. it beeped. admin got involved. someone said it was cultural. someone else said it was aesthetic.

anyway she cried and now we're all scared to walk past it during third period because it sees you

there's also the vending machine,,,, that one i mentioned but i also called the number on it and it just rang twice and went to voicemail. i left a message saying i wanted to book a limousine to the debate semi-finals. no one ever got back to me. but the next week there was a limousine parked outside the music wing and no one claimed it

the cafeteria sushi bar has mood lighting. like genuine dimmer-switch lighting. you can't see the rolls. you just have to guess. i once picked up something i thought was avocado and it was straight-up wasabi. i cried. serena laughed so hard he fell off the stool. the chef bowed. i said thank you. i hoped she'd die. we moved on

also. and this is real. someone tried to start a student-run speakeasy in the library archive room and it lasted three days before being shut down. they had menus. someone brought in a milk frother. there was a password system. "punctuation." i'm not joking. they used "punctuation" as the password. you had to whisper it through the shelf. i respect the vision. poor execution.

so we also have this cursed little hallway. it connects the language immersion wing to the tech help desk. no one walks it voluntarily. it's freezing. always. like hospital-corridor-during-a-power-outage cold. one time someone's hair clip shattered from the air pressure. another time the lights flickered and a girl dropped her smoothie and screamed. i walk it daily. because my locker's there

also did i tell you about the aquarium in the biology room???

it's huge

it's got its own little corner and a name plaque and everything. except the name plaque says "donated in memory of horace." no one knows who horace is

no one's ever said anything about horace. the fish are fine. one of them's missing an eye. the marine bio teacher insists it's natural. it isn't

there's also this thing where every year during winter, some senior decides they're gonna "host a salon." no one ever defines what that means. it's just them in the tea room, talking about being misunderstood while quoting philosophers wrong and eating strawberries like they're in a renaissance painting. last year someone brought a harp. the tea room staff revolted. it was beautiful

the printer on the third floor humanities wing is haunted. this is not up for debate. it prints blank pages. it jams even when empty. it once printed someone's private google doc notes from 2017. unprompted. they were about twilight and political theory. the girl cried. the printer blinked. nothing else happened. it remains operational. admin won't replace it. they said "it builds character." ok. have i mentioned this? i feel like im going insane

you know that thing where a school has "morning announcements"????? yeah. ours are pre-recorded on fridays. by this one guy in year 12 with the smoothest voice on earth and an ego the size of the upper gym. he once said "congratulations to the fencing team on their moderate success" and got suspended for two days. he came back and called us "listeners." someone needs to stop him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the school's instagram page is managed by someone in admin who clearly wants to go viral. like every post is captioned like a divorcee's pinterest board. "excellence in bloom 🌸" and "dream. believe. dissect." please. we're dissecting frogs. be serious.

one time they posted a photo of me in debate club and tagged the wrong name

coryo got in trouble last month for making a school-wide google calendar event titled "the downfall of democracy." it was actually just the student council elections. but still. people freaked. one girl wrote a whole speech about freedom of speech and the sanctity of digital infrastructure. he didn't even campaign. he still won. i'm going to scream. i love my man so much

there's a set of twin boys in year 10 who only speak in riddles and run the audio booth for assemblies. they carry a clipboard. no one's ever seen what's on it. they nod at you like you've passed a test. one time they offered me a sticker and said "you've been deemed stable." i was not. but i took it

also. once a month, the school sends out a newsletter called the lazarus ledger. it is. deranged. it includes things like "student of the fortnight" and "fungus updates." one time there was a pie chart showing "classroom window status" and 67% were labelled "cracked but alive." what does that mean. why are we tracking this. who is behind the data. why are we funding this.

we have a girl who runs a podcast. it's called elevate your mind. she records it from the wellness centre and talks about breathwork and magnesium and her "unique journey with burnout." she got suspended last semester for plagiarising an episode from andrew huberman

she came back with crystals and a vengeance. i don't trust her

the vending machine next to the music hallway once gave me three kit kats. no explanation. no refund. i didn't report it. it felt too personal. like a message

[bah-circus]

Can you make me a level 400 trans latino Femboy with a lot of Neos and also a few Trans harmful ids?

Pièce de Résistance!!!

°·⊱ Name at Birth: Aoto Ishii

°·⊱ Current Legal Name: Aoto Mori

°·⊱ Current Used Name(s): Aoi, Mateo (exclusively with friends)

°·⊱ Chronological Age: 23

°·⊱ Apparent Age: ~19 

°·⊱ Birthday: April 9th, 2002

°·⊱ Birthplace: Miyagi Prefecture, Sendai, Izumi-ku, Japan

°·⊱ Time of Birth: 3:07am JST (GMT+9)

°·⊱ Sex: Male

°·⊱ Race/Species: Human

°·⊱ Eye Color: #180F0A

°·⊱ Eye Shape: Hooded

°·⊱ Nose Shape: Greek

°·⊱ Skin Tone: #A37760

°·⊱ Hair Color: #1D1713

°·⊱ Hair Texture: Straight

°·⊱ Hair Thickness: Medium

°·⊱ Hair Porosity: Medium-High

°·⊱ Hair Length/Style: Chin-length, slightly waved

°·⊱ Nail Color: Bottoms Up Vivid Seafoam Green Studio Color Nail Polish

°·⊱ Height: 1703.4mm

°·⊱ Weight: 62595.7g

°·⊱ Measurements: 

°···⊱ Waist: 650.24mm  

°···⊱ Bust: 1193.8mm

°···⊱ Full Hip: 919.48mm

°···⊱ Shoulder: 396.24mm

°···⊱ Shoulder Seam:  144.78mm

°···⊱ Front Bodice: 459.74mm

°···⊱ Back Bodice: 426.72mm

°···⊱ Arm Length: 711.2mm

°···⊱ Upper Hip: 787.4mm

°···⊱ Upper Bust: 685.8mm

°···⊱ Inseam: 812.8mm

°···⊱ Outseam: 1066.8mm

°·⊱ Notable scars: around the jawbone under the ear on the right side, several small scars on the palms and backs of his hands (very bad at pulling food out of the oven, don’t let him do it)

°·⊱ Scent: Vanilla and Sandalwood

°·⊱ Accent: Japanese inspired pronunciation, issues with “L” and “R”s, different vowel pronunciation (mispronounced or shortened/lengthened), will stress the wrong parts of words, struggles with “Th” sounds

°·⊱ Stims: Aligning Objects, Sorting Objects, ASMR Videos [ Personal Care, Squishys ], Petting Cats, Tapping Patterns With Finger-Tips, Pen Clicking, Humming, Chewelry, Chewing on Pens, Repeating Phrases Out Loud, Repeating Favorite TikTok Audios, Tongue Clicking, Hand Flapping, Body Rocking, Fidget Spinners, Bubble Wrap

────── · · · · ──────

°·⊱ Visual Acuity: 0.8 in both eyes, corrected via contact lenses

°·⊱ Pupil Distance: 67mm or 34/33

°·⊱ Genetic Reports (traits by percentage of likelihood): 

°···⊱ Maternal Haplogroup: D4a1b1

°···⊱ Paternal Haplogroup: C1a1a1a

°···⊱ Ability to Match Musical Pitch: 73%

°···⊱ Asparagus Odor Detection: 54%

°···⊱ Bitter Taste: 44%

°···⊱ Cheek Dimples: 84%

°···⊱ Cilantro Taste Aversion: 100%

°···⊱ Dandruff: 67%

°···⊱ Earlobe Type: 91% favoring attached earlobes

°···⊱ Fear of Heights: 89%

°···⊱ Fear of Public Speaking:  31%

°···⊱ Finger Length Ratio: 43% more likely to have a longer index finger than ring finger

°···⊱ Flat Feet: 51%

°···⊱ Freckles: 08%

°···⊱ Hair Photobleaching: 0%

°···⊱ Misophonia: 41%

°···⊱ Mosquito Bite Frequency:  46% 

°···⊱ Motion Sickness: 32%

°···⊱ Photic Sneeze Reflex: 13%

°···⊱ Stretch Marks: 18%

°···⊱ Sweet vs. Salty: 63% more likely to prefer Sweet

°···⊱ Wake-Up Time: 8:00 AM

°···⊱ Widow’s Peak: 25%

°···⊱ Genetic Predispositions: Hereditary Amyloidosis, Bipolar Disorder, Eczema

°···⊱ Positive Carrier Status: Nonsyndromic Hearing Loss and Deafness DFNB1, 

°···⊱ Alcohol Flush Reaction: Likely to flush after alcohol consumption

°···⊱ Caffeine Consumption: Likely to drink significantly more caffeine than average. 

°···⊱ Muscle Composition: Common for endurance athletes

°·⊱ Blood Type: AB-

°·⊱ Handedness: Mixed; Right preferred for writing and drawing, Left preferred for most other tasks (like things that involve catching, i.e. sports)

°·⊱ Allergies: Strawberries, Gluten, Tree Nuts

°·⊱ Temperature Sensitivity: Cold intolerance due to poor circulation

°·⊱ Medications Taken (and times): 20 mg Paxil - 10PM; 5mg Warfarin - 10AM ; 5mg Norvasc - 10AM; 2.5 mg Valium - 10AM, 10PM; 2500 iu Vitamin D - 10AM; 2500 mg Vitamin B12 - 10AM; 

°·⊱ Daily Routine: Wake Up - 8:30AM; Shower - 8:45AM; Breakfast - 9:15AM; Check Social Media - 9:30AM; Take Morning Meds - 10AM; Walk to Art Studio - 10:15AM; Work on Commissions - 11AM; Lunch Break - 3PM; Livestream on Twitch 4:30PM; End Stream 7PM; Close Up Studio - 7:30PM; Walk Home - 7:45PM; Begin Dinner - 8:30PM; Eat Dinner - 9PM; Take Evening Meds - 10PM; Relax until Bed Around Midnight

°·⊱ Workout Regimen: 45 Minute Walk To & From Work 4 Days A Week

°·⊱ Hair Care Routine: Pre-Wash Ginseng Oil Treatment, Sulfate Free Shampoo on Scalp, Conditioner on Middle & Ends, Once a Week Deep-Conditioning Hair Mask with Keratin or Rice Water

°·⊱ Skin Care Routine: In Order: Micellar Water on cotton pads (about 4 to do whole face), PanOxyl Acne Foaming Facewash (wait 2 min before rinsing off), Mediheal madecassoside blemish patches (one on each cheek, leave for 5 mins then remove and dry face with cotton pads), torriden dive in serum, rovectin clean LHA blemish ampoule (2x a week), goodal vita-a retinol ampoule (2-3x a week, never does this and rovectin on same days), vanicream daily moisturizer, torriden lip essence.

°·⊱ Dental Routine: Fruit Flavored [Watermelon Preference ] Toothpaste, 45 Second per Mouth Quarter, Soft Bristle Brush, Rinse With Warm Tap Water, Mouthwash for 60 Seconds, Floss 

────── · · · · ──────

°·⊱ Level of Education Achieved: Bachelor in College

°·⊱ Degrees Earned: Bachelor in Graphic Design

°·⊱ Current Profession: Free-Lance Artist °·⊱ Previous Professions: Barista

°·⊱ Yearly Income: ~$50k USD / 7.5 million JPY

°·⊱ Health Insurance Coverage: NHI residence-based coverage 

°·⊱ Substances Used: Weed, Cocaine, Mushrooms

°·⊱ Social Media Used: TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr [3 Blogs], Twitter

°·⊱ Social Media Handles: 

°···⊱ TikTok: ‎‧₊˚✧[🥭☁️ Mateo ☁️🥭]✧˚₊‧  @/sweet.lxtinx.mango 

°···⊱ Instagram: @/mango.sweetcream 

°···⊱ Facebook: Mango Mori

°···⊱ Tumblr: Main - @/sweet.lxtinx.mango : Userbox Requests - @/MangoCreamBakery : Spam @/mango.dispensary 

°···⊱ Twitter: Main -  @/mori.mango.sweets : Priv - @/mateo.dairy

°·⊱ Email Address: Main - mateo.mori@X.com : Spam - mangocream00@X.com 

────── · · · · ──────

°·⊱ Nicknames/Titles: [Prn] Who Adores Fruit, [Prn] Who Is Adored, The Head That Wears The Crown, Mango, 

°·⊱ Gender Identity: Mangogender, Softfluffygender, Fruitcomfic

°·⊱ Gender Presentation: Genderfluid, Super Masc Some Days, Butch Fem Other Days

°·⊱ Pronouns: Thxy/Thxm; It/Its; 🥭/🥭s; Kyu/Kyute; Cream/Creams; Ne/Nem; Vi/Vir; Shi/Hir; Hy/Hym; Fruit/Fruits; Soft/Softs; Cloud/Clouds; Fluff/Fluffs; Acid/Acids; Bio/Bios; Diox/Dioxys; Uran/Uranium; Mango/Mangos; Cit/Citrus; Slime/Slimes; Bug/Bugs; Jam/Jams; Sugar/Sugars; Flux/Fluxs; Split/Splits; Gli/Glitch; Nex/Nexus; Orbit/Orbits; Myth/Myths; Surge/Surges; 🌀/🌀; Moon/Moons; Sun/Suns; Solar/solars; Star/Stars; Astro/Astros; Gala/Galax; Neb/Nebula; Dark/Darks; Dusk/Dusks; Dim/Dims; Nox/Noxus; Lucid/Lucids; Dream/Dreams; ☁️/☁️s; 💤/💤s; Soul/Souls; Jinx/Jinxs; Rain/Rains; Pitter/Patter; Cold/Colds; Nim/Nimbus; Fog/Fogs; Snap/Snaps; Card/Cards; Gamb/Gamble; Slot/Slots; Auto/Autos; Ring/Rings; Gold/Golds; Spark/Sparks; Hot/Hots; Nis/niz; Xrn/xrnx; Ix/ixs; Ip/ips; Ink/inks; Dex/dexs; Wick/wicks; Coin/coins; Crown/Crowns; Kit/kits; Blur/blurs; Rex/Rexs; Ae/aer; Non/nons; Xi/xir; Zhey/zhem; Ect/ecto; Haz/hazard; Honk/honks; Allium/Alliums; Pup/Pups; Bone/Bones; 🦴/🦴s; 🐾/🐾s; ✒️/✒️s; 🎰/🎰s; 🧊/🧊; Snow/Snows; Spot/Spots; Bat/Bats; 🦇/🦇s; Neo/Neos; Xeno/Xenos; Val/Valum; 🌈/🌈; Fagg/Faggot; Fen/Fens; ⛓️/⛓️s; Con/Cons; Phey/Phem; Disc/Discs; Pog/Pogs; Rev/Revs; 🫧/🫧s; 🧋/🧋s

°·⊱ Sexuality: Guiltsexual, Doxipan, Omniromantic

°·⊱ Personality: Mateo is a very life-of-the-party type of person, who tends to make a lot of modern references, especially to TikTok “Brain Rot”. Is incredibly talented in impressions, ranging from animals to celebrity impressions. Moderate cook. Struggles with 🥭s ASPD diagnosis, and how to handle the symptoms. 

°·⊱ MBTI: ESFP-T

°·⊱ Enneagram: 7w6

°·⊱ Big Five Inventory:

°·⊱ DISC Assessment:

°·⊱ HEXACO:

°·⊱ Zodiac: Aries Sun, Pisces Moon, Aquarius Rising

°·⊱ Natal Chart:

°·⊱ Source: BAHtroject

°·⊱ Role: External Caretaker, Archivist, Mood Booster, ADHD Holder, Temp Host

°·⊱ Origin: Autigenic

°·⊱ Political Stances: Progressive

°·⊱ Religious Beliefs: Agnostic

°·⊱ Philosophical Beliefs: Idealist

°·⊱ Holidays Celebrated: Valentines Day & White Day, Dia De Los Muertos

°·⊱ Popularity: 46% of People have a Positive Opinion

°·⊱ Technology Used: iPhone 15, iPad mini, Gaming Laptop, Work/Casual Computer, Television, PlayStation 4, Switch

°·⊱ Scam Gullibility: Low, more likely to scam someone else. 

────── · · · · ──────

°·⊱ Likes: Citrus, Chicken, Matcha, Energy Drinks, Mangoes, secretly loves Japanese Baseball, pink, orange

°·⊱ Dislikes: Bitter coffee, plain alcohol, seeing animals in pain, 

°·⊱ Interests: Digital art, fashion, jirai kei and decora kei subculture, streaming personal work, 

°·⊱ Hobbies: Making Userboxes, Drawing (Digital And Traditional), making kandi, making PSDs for their social media layouts, 

°·⊱ Positive Triggers: Angels in media, fashion haul videos (specifically “kawaii” style ones), 

°·⊱ Neutral Triggers: Nes fictionkins, working on commissions (if applicable), 

°·⊱ Negative Triggers: Bigotry (especially anti-LGBTQ or transID), Car Crashes

°·⊱ Positive Memories: Getting 🥭s first big art commission, going to karaoke after school with friends, becoming a Twitch Affiliate 

°·⊱ Neutral Memories: Getting hate-raided on Twitch early in streaming career, 

°·⊱ Negative Memories: Being made fun of in Social Studies at 13~, Being broken up with by 🌀s high-school sweetheart after graduation

°·⊱ Significant Events: Graduation, Parental Death at 20 in a Car Crash

°·⊱ Preferred Accessories: safety pin jewelry, creepers, Badtz-Maru Themed 

°·⊱ Favorite Subject in School: Social studies

°·⊱ Playlist: Features Lady Gaga, Kesha, Megan Thee Stallion, Lil Nas X, Charli xcx, Dua Lipa, Britney Spears, bbno$, Kikuo

°·⊱ Hex Code: #FFA62B

°·⊱ Homestuck Claspect: Sylph of Blood

°·⊱ Obscure Sorrow: Amicy - the mystery of what goes on behind the scenes of your social life, wondering about all the back channels and private histories and secondary affiliations that you might never hear about

°·⊱ Genshin Vision: Pyro

°·⊱ Honkai Star Rail Path: Fire Preservation

°·⊱ Wuthering Waves Resonance: Havoc, Rectifier

°·⊱ Pokemon Starter: Cyndaquil

°·⊱ Pokemon Team: Typhlosion [Starter], Azumarill, Toxtricity, Croagunk, Galarian Rapidash, Weavile

°·⊱ Digimon Partner: Muchomon

°·⊱ Kpop biases: 

°···⊱ BTS: Suga

°···⊱ ASTRO: Moonbin

°···⊱ BIGBANG: G-Dragon

°···⊱ BLACKPINK: Jennie

°···⊱ NCT 127: Taeil

°···⊱ EXO: Baekhyun

°···⊱ Block B: Taeil

°·⊱ Warrior Cats Clan: WindClan

°·⊱ Harry Potter House: Hufflepuff

°·⊱ Ilvermorny House: Pukwudgie

°·⊱ Team Edward or Team Jacob?: Team Jacob

°·⊱ Divergent Faction: Candor

°·⊱ League of Legends Role: Jungle

°·⊱ Smash Main: Palutena or Isabelle

°·⊱ Mario Kart Main: Rosalina or Shy Guy

°·⊱ Loot Dropped: 

°···⊱ Common: orange & white kandi cuff that spells out ‘mango’

°···⊱ Uncommon: ring light

°···⊱ Rare: butterfly knife

°···⊱ Legendary: custom mango-themed decora kei phone case

°·⊱ Omegaverse Role: Omega

°·⊱ Fursona: Maned Wolf

°·⊱ Magic The Gathering Deck List: https://archidekt.com/decks/12042068/head_i_win_tails_you_loose (this is not our account, we just needed a convenient way to attach the list, please don’t try to contact this person lmao)

°·⊱ Dungeons and Dragons character: Changeling Artificer (Alchemist subclass)

°·⊱ Vampire The Masquerade character: Toreador

°·⊱ Emoji Sign-Off: 🥭✨🍫🎀☁️🍨

°·⊱ Most Frequently Used Emojis: 🥭✨🌸💦🍆🍑🧡

°·⊱ Handwriting:

────── · · · · ──────

°·⊱ Orders: 

°···⊱ Applebee’s: Spinach Artichoke Dip, Tex-Mex Shrimp Bowl or Rare Bourbon Street Steak, Oreo Cookie Shake, Lemonade 

°···⊱ Arby’s: Greek Gyro, Curly Fries, Mozzarella Sticks, Andes Mint Chocolate Shake [ When in Season ]

°···⊱ Auntie Anne’s: Cinnamon Sugar Nuggets, Mango-Lemonade Spritz, Mini Pretzel Dogs with Cheese

°···⊱ Blaze Pizza: Classic Dough, Garlic Pesto, Shredded Mozzarella, Smoked Ham, Grilled Chicken, Red Onions, with a Sea Salt Finish, Cheesy Bread, a Monster and a Brownie

°···⊱ Bojangle’s: 8 pc Chicken Box with Mountain Dew

°···⊱ Burger King: Large Chicken Fries with Onion Rings and a Cherry Coke to Drink

°···⊱ Carl’s Jr.: Big Angus Famous Star, Coke with Ice, Snack Stash [ Waffle Fries + Jalapeño Poppers Bites ]

°···⊱ Checker’s: Big Buford with no Mayonaise, Large Fries, and a Large Banana Milkshake

°···⊱ Chick-Fil-A: Grilled Chick-Fil-A Sandwich on a Regular Bun, no Lettuce and no Tomato, add Bacon with Chick-Fil-A Sauce for the Large Fries and Sriracha Sauce poured onto the Sandwich, with a Hi-C 

°···⊱ Chili’s: Mild Boneless Wings Appetizer, Chicken Bacon Ranch Quesadilla, with a Skillet Chocolate Chip Cookie

°···⊱ Chipotle: 3 Chipotle Honey Chicken Tacos, Soft Flour Tortilla, Brown Rice, Fajita Veggies, Cheese, Chips & Queso with an Organic Berry Agua Fresca

°···⊱ Church’s: 5 pc Spicy Chicken Tenders, with a Strawberry Fanta, and a Lemon Cheesecake Fried Pie

°···⊱ Cinnabon: Center of the Roll, CinnaSweeties, Double Chocolate Mocha Chillatta 

°···⊱ Culver’s: Pot Roast Sandwich with Fries and a Custard

°···⊱ Dairy Queen: Backyard BBQ Bacon & Ranch Burger Double with Fries, Sweet Tea to Drink, Caramel Sundae

°···⊱ Del Taco: Queso Loaded Nachos, Chicken Cheddar Rollers, Mini Cinnamon Churros, Dragon Fruit Blueberry Lemonade Poppers

°···⊱ Domino’s: Medium Alfredo Pizza with Bacon

°···⊱ Dunkin Donuts: Large White Toasted Chocolate Signature Iced Latte made with Oat Milk, Maple Frosted Donut

°···⊱ Five Guys: Double Bacon Cheeseburger, Cajun Style Fries, Orange Fanta, Salted Caramel Shake

°···⊱ Hardee’s: 2 Redhook Beer-Battered Fish Sandwiches with Fries and a Coke

°···⊱ IHOP: New York Cheesecake Pancakes with a Coffee and a side of Bacon

°···⊱ In-N-Out: Cheeseburger with no Tomato, with Strawberry Fanta and a side of Fries, and a Chocolate Milkshake

°···⊱ Jack in the Box: Double Jack Combo with no Tomato a Strawberry Fanta and a side of Fries

°···⊱ KFC: 8pc. Saucy Nuggets Combo tossed in Korean BBQ sauce, with fries, sweet tea to drink, and a Chocolate Chip Cake 

°···⊱ Krispy Kreme: Fresh Hot Plain Glazed

°···⊱ Little Caesars: Just an order of crazy bread and marinara sauce, hates the pizza

°···⊱ Logan’s Roadhouse: Loaded Potato Skins, Big Easy Blue Tea, Shrimp Stacked Trout with Three Cheese Bacon Mac and Cinnamon Apples, occasionally gets the cheesecake as a treat

°···⊱ Long John Silver’s: Just an order of hushpuppies, will get this as a snack sometimes

°···⊱ McDonald’s: Big breakfast with hotcakes OR quarter pounder with cheese and mac sauce, depending on mood 

°···⊱ Melting Pot: 3 Courses, Classic Alpine cheese fondue blend with added charcuterie board, Bacon and Bleu Spinach salad, Dark and Dulce chocolate fondue blend with added macarons, Pink Crush to drink

°···⊱ Nando’s: Grilled Halloumi Cheese with chili jam, ½ Chicken with medium spice and a side of peri mac with a peach Rubro to drink

°···⊱ Olive Garden: Shrimp Carbonara with a Minestrone soup and a raspberry lemonade, black tie mousse cake for dessert

°···⊱ Outback Steakhouse: Blooming Onion, 6oz Sirloin and Coconut Shrimp with a baked potato and seasoned rice, sweet tea to drink

°···⊱ Panda Express: Broccoli beef and steamed white rice panda bowl

°···⊱ Panera: Cream of Chicken and Wild Rice bread bowl soup, cranberry orange slice, blueberry lavender lemonade

°···⊱ Papa John’s: Medium Hawaiian Style Pizza

°···⊱ Pizza Hut: 12 pc Cajun Dry Rub Styled Traditional Wings, Chicken Bacon Parmesan Melt

°···⊱ Popeyes: Ghost Pepper Chicken Sandwich with Bacon & Cheese, Cajun Fries with a Coke without Ice

°···⊱ Quiznos: French Dip with Sour Cream & Onion Chips and a Lemonade

°···⊱ Raising Cane’s: The Box Combo with Dr. Pepper

°···⊱ Red Lobster: Mozzarella Sticks, Shrimp Linguini Alfredo with a Peach Lemonade

°···⊱ Ruby Tuesday: Coca-Cola, Loaded Potato Skins, Medium Rare RibEye and Ribs, Carrot Cake for desert

°···⊱ Sbarro: Medium 4 Cheese White Pizza, Cheesy Cheddar Bacon Bread

°···⊱ Shake Shack: 10 Pc Chicken Bites with Honey Mustard and Crinkle Cut Fries, Cookies N Cream Shake, Sweet Tea

°···⊱ Smashburger: Coca Cola, Large Smashfries, All American Smash with no Mustard

°···⊱ Smoothie King: Large Strawberry-Banana Smoothie

°···⊱ Sonic: Medium Tater-Tots, 2 Corn dogs with Ketchup and a Medium Banana Shake with Whipped Cream and Cherry

°···⊱ Starbucks: Venti Pink Drink 

°···⊱ Steak n’ Shake: Frisco Melt, Double Side of Fries, Birthday Cake Milkshake, with an Orange Fanta no Ice

°···⊱ Subway: All-Pro Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Footlong on Toasted Italian Herbs & Cheese

°···⊱ Taco Bell: Chrunchwrap Supreme with Steak instead of Grilled Beef, no Sour Cream, Large Baja Blast, Large Nacho Fries, 2 Pack Cinnabon Delights

°···⊱ Waffle House: Chocolate Chip Waffle, Steak Hashbrown Bowl with Onions, Orange Juice

°···⊱ Wendy’s: Baconator with no Mayonnaise and Fries and a Coca Cola

°···⊱ Whataburger: Whataburger Patty Melt, Large Fries and a Large Strawberry Fanta

°···⊱ White Castle: Chicken & Waffles Sliders with Loaded Fries and a Chocolate Shake

°···⊱ Wingstop: 3 Pc Chicken Tender in Sweet Chili Glaze, Coca Cola and Large Fries

────── · · · · ──────

°·⊱ TransIDs: transLatino, transShota, transMexican, transCysticFibrosis. transLupus, trisStalker, transYandere, DesirCannibal, DesirConabuser, DesirKidnapper, transForearmCrutchUser, trans3aHair, transReynauds, transRoyal, transPrince, transPrincess, transNoble, Ichoramian / transGoldBlood, transAngel, transWhiteWings, transEarWings, transWaistWings, sexuMinor, comfiMinor, transAge[9], transFluent[Spanish], nullJapanese, transInterHateful, transSnuffDirector, transGr00mer, transOnlyFP, transPartner, muto🍇ist, transHarasser, transCyberHarasser, jokeCisphobic, jokeHeterophobic, darlCrated

°·⊱ CisIDs: Japanese, Tan Skin, Brown Eyes, Black Hair, Piercings,  Moyamoya disease, straight hair, Stalker, Cyber Stalker, Polyamorous, ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, GERD

°·⊱ MUDS: Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD), 

°·⊱ Paras: 🐙,🦴,🤕, 🐊, 🥀,💤,🫀,🩸,🩹,👀,⛓ 

°·⊱ Aesthetic: Decora Kei, Jirai Kei

°·⊱ Moodboard:

°·⊱ Kintypes: Angelkin, Nico di Angelo Fictionkin, APH Mexico Fictionkin, Eros Deity Kin, Obsession Concept Kin, Royalcore Concept Kin, Matt Eddsworld Fictionkin, Wendell Testaburger South Park Fictionkin, Alien Therian, Mango FruitKin

°·⊱ Faceclaim:

Never Challenge Us - Ringmaster Anon

while i know 100% this was someone being a jerk(?), this was kind of fun to chip away at and plan

i don't celebrate april fool's day usually, but this felt like the perfect opportunity to indulge in this silly holiday of pranks, so have some 'prank' packs.

Now for whatever reason if any of today's requests were meant to be serious and mean anything else, please let us know i would gladly make a more serious pack for you <3 - Pest Swarm ; ???

[socialjusticeinamerica]

RFK Jr will “look into” already established medical doctrine and cherry pick studies from his quack friends that dispute the efficacy of vaccines. He is a big proponent of letting children get sick, and possibly die, to establish natural immunity. He has long said he wants to do away with vaccines to test his theories on a large scale, i.e. the whole country. He’ll put us all in danger just to try and verify his faulty beliefs. He’ll do it without remorse or regrets for the suffering and deaths not being vaccinated will cause. For a man that claims to be super healthy he has many very obvious health issues. He can barely speak due to a rare muscle spasm disorder and is cognitively impaired from a brain worm and decades of intra-venous heroin use and other illicit hard drugs.

This whole vaccines cause autism hoax was debunked in the 90’s when the doctor that started this admitted he made it up just to get a paper published. There’s even a wiki page devoted to this being a hoax. But celebrity influencers bought into it and spread this falsehood to the masses. Jenny McCarthy, former nude model, B-movie actress, cousin of Melissa McCarthy, and wife of Donnie Wahlberg spread this falsehood far and wide and is regarded as the person who caused the most damage in discouraging untold thousands from getting vaccinated. She even published three books on the subject and claimed natural remedies like going gluten free and dosing with cod liver oil helped her autistic child. Sadly she wasn’t the only celebrity who spread the lie about autism.

Celebrities, to varying degrees, either question the need for certain vaccines or outright claimed they were causing autism and other problems. Vaccine rates plummeted during the 2,000’s and 2010’s because of these people. To be fair some just requested more research or told parents to pick and choose. These celebrities caused several outbreaks with their remarks that went against the scientists and doctors. Robert DeNiro, Jim Carrey, Rob Scneider (full Qanon MAGA), the late disgraced radio host Don Imus, Alicia Silverstone, Juliette Lewis, Jenna Elfman, Kristy Alley, Jessica Biel, Bill Maher, Lisa Bonet, Toni Braxton, Charlie Sheen, Mayim Bialik, and many more to one degree or another. The anti-vaxx movement surprisingly took root in many liberal upscale families. At the other end of the spectrum it also took root due in large part to right-wing celebrities including one pre-presidential Donald Trump and his conspiracy pals.

Today it seems that a majority of liberals are no longer on board with the anti-vaxx crowd. In Hollywood circles it took root in the Scientology community after Robert F. Kennedy Jr addressed one of their gatherings. As most already know, Kennedy is a lawyer and not a medical researcher or doctor. RFK Jr using his celebrity has caused tremendous damage by using his name to promote his deranged anti-vaccine stance. He is known to have caused a measles outbreak in Samoa that killed 89 after visiting for the purpose of delivering an address that encouraged the locals not to get their kids vaccinated. As his cousin said he is a “predator” that goes after the poor, uneducated, and sick giving them false hope of better health by avoiding vaccines, taking vitamins (especially vitamin A in the form of cod liver oil), drinking raw milk, using heroin to (falsely) create mental clarity, and many other false notions.

When a celebrity visits the poor, rural, uneducated population it’s a big event and they are likely to believe that person no matter how ridiculous the message. Simple people assume anyone with wealth must be very smart and honest. Studies have shown that public has been conditioned to accept any tall man in a suit as an unquestionable leader. Look around at people with authority and you’ll see a disproportionate number of tall men in suits in positions of authority. School principals, military officers, police, politicians, business managers, etc. Not all but a disproportionately large number and race isn’t even a hindrance to this in many circumstances. Mercifully we’re seeing more women, and non-tall people now.

Always remember the people telling you not to get vaccinated got themselves and their kids vaccinated.

[chukys-mouthguard]

For your prompt requests maybe prompt #1 with Joseph Woll, maybe she lives in Toronto and he went home for the off-season.

I’ve never written for Joseph Woll, but he cracks me up in any little player personality type videos so I really enjoyed writing this one!

“I don’t think you’re gonna even recognize me when you see me babe.” 

Smirking to yourself you couldn’t help but chuckle. Joseph had been talking all about his off season training and how excited he was to get back to Toronto. To which you could attest, he looked great. He’d spent the summer with a couple of old teammates and they all committed to a pretty strict training program. The results were more than Joseph could’ve expected, giving him a nice confidence boost ahead of training camp. But of course it was also a plus for you to be able to drool all over your boyfriend’s new hot body. 

“What did you get facial reconstruction surgery too? I didn’t know that was part of the training program.” He snorts out a laugh, always loved your quick comebacks and digs you could dish out. 

“God I miss you.” 

He lighthearted tone now fading as his line of the phone goes silent. 

“One more night, and then you’ll finally be back in my arms.” You playfully call out into the phone as you head to the fridge to grab a drink before plopping down on the couch. 

“One more night might as well be 10! I don’t know what’s been hard this summer; my training schedule or not having you to come home to everyday. Of course you couldn’t be making me bomb ass dinners like usual. Would probably have to throw a few extra salads into the mix. Oh my god and no more cookies or banana bread.” 

He jokingly whined into the phone as you just shook your head. “Babe, you know there are healthier baked good alternatives I could make right?” “Yeah and they probably taste like shit! I can’t have you ruin my opinion of your baking with some gluten free buckwheat flower yak’s milk concoction. Noooo way!” 

Your laugh now filling your apartment, causing Joseph to even laugh at his own words. “I don’t even know if buckwheat flour is a thing…or yak’s milk. But if it is, I don’t want it!” 

The two of you continuing on your conversation as you’d heard the sound of Joseph’s car turning off, the locking with a beep. You hadn’t even noticed he was driving if you were honest. To excited about the conversation of him soon being home. 

“Joseph Woll, where on earth are you driving to this late at night?” Scolding him playfully you can hear him grabbing something from his car, assuming he had one last late night training session before he came back to Toronto. 

“Home silly goose.” 

Shrugging it off you picked back up in the conversation, discussing some new plot point that was introduced in one of your guilty pleasure tv shows that Joseph loved hearing the drama about. 

“And then, they built up the entire episode for you to think she was going to end up choosing Aaron, but then at the last minute she-knock knock knock- who the hell is knocking on my door at 11:50pm. Babe, stay on the phone please?” 

He hummed a response, letting you know he was still on the line as you nervously walked toward the door. The peep hole being covered so you couldn’t see who the culprit was. Deciding you weren’t tempting fate, you walked away, pickup back up with your story. 

“Babe who was at the door?” 

“I don’t know the peep hole was covered! I’m not trying to die before my boyfriend gets back home!” 

He laughed at you as a triple knock came again. 

“Trust me babe, open the door…” 

Something in his voice made you suspicious, quickly hustling back to the door to open it. Only to find Joseph standing their with a cheesy grin on his face as he laughed at you. 

“Joseph Woll you scared me half to death! What is wrong with you?” 

Playfully smacking him before jumping into his arms, wrapping him in a hug before pulling his lips to yous. “I couldn’t wait any longer, I had to get home to you. Can you forgive me?” 

He pouted his lips only to have the pout kissed away by you instantly. “Of course, now wait a minute-“ taking a step back you eyed him up and down. Taking in how his chest and arms now filled out his tshirt, how his joggers clung to his thighs. 

“I’m not sure we’ve actually ever met, you don’t look familiar, what’s your name?” He rolled his eyes at your comments, poking fun at his claim you’d not even recognize him. 

“Very funny, guess I won’t show what I look like without the shirt then if you don’t recognize me.” He leaned in as he spoke, his lips almost brushing yours with his words before he headed off down the hall to the bathroom. Turning the shower on, as you quickly followed. 

“Joooo, you know I’m just messing around I-“ stopping in your tracks you’d turned in the doorway of the bathroom to find him now shirtless as he reached into the cupboard for a towel. 

“Wow.” 

Simply the only words you could get out as he just smirked, slightly chuckling at your reaction before turning to face you. Closing the distance as you tried your best to look him in the eyes though his muscles really stealing the show. 

“Do you wanna pick your jaw up now or after I shower?” 

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

I don’t know why, but I cannot stop thinking of Tan hc’s of like caring for his partner and tending to her after she’s given birth (am I just feeling kinda fragile and thus just want Tan to coddle and care for me? Mayhaps)

you can’t just say that and expect me not to elaborate

DAD TAN WITH A NEW BABY.

dude omg!! and he'd kinda be a scatterbrain bc he's running on minimal sleep, and he's got dad scruff with his stache??????? and he looks all dishevelled and sleepy and and and CRIKEY!!!

I definitely think he's the kind that pours from an empty cup. he's tired and adjusting to the new baby etc, but he'd push himself further into discomfort to make you feel better. so like you're both tired, but he'd rather absorb your tiredness, so that you don't feel it. think im overcomplicating it?? basically he gives too much of himself so that you feel a little better

he suggests maybe sitting in the garden might do you both some good. so you're not cooped up in the house, and get some fresh air while still being safe (he's too paranoid about going out with new baby)

said this before, but he makes a mean spaghetti bolognese (it's not traditional, and it's very english) so he'd make that as a comfort meal for you. or if you don't eat meat, then forget what I just said. or gluten, then also forget what I said lol

although the new baby's needs are important to him, yours are a little above (if you're not taken care of, the whole system collapses kinda thing)

your time together as a couple is important, so you both want to utilise it. I have this cute thought of it being 3am, and you're both running on 2 hours sleep, and you're sitting on the floor by the door outside your bedroom (like in the hallway/ landing area) eating takeout food (pictured taco bell first, but that's not great for all tummies, so I'll let you imagine what you want lol) the baby is the basket beside your bed sleeping. and you're just having a cute little floor picnic. so you're still having quality time as a couple, and fitting it in where and when you can

he loves your new mum bod. says cute endearing things bc he's the cutest little lamb. he's developed father superpowers and suddenly knows how to do things (that's not to say he was incompetent (bc he never was) but things he didn't know how to do before, he can do) so he's helping you get ready for the day while you're feeding baby

cuddles on the couch with new baby sleeping in your arms??? him helping you bathe???? him helping you dress??? him trying his best to organise your things for you?? him suggesting things from the new fatherhood book he bought??? him staying up after you've fallen asleep so he can take care of baby and let you sleep a little longer??? him washing your hair??? him surprising you with deliveries he bought secretly??? him getting excited about buying baby new things?? him wearing just pj bottoms??? him just wanting to take care of you?? him?? him!! HIM!! i forgot how to breathe

DAMNIT OMG OK man woo okay okay. you've got me going on a tangent I LOVE DAD TAN sue me

[copperbadge]

Hey Sam!

I recently purchased a second hand bread machine, and I know you like to bake! (I got King Authur's Flour per your recommendation.) I was wondering if you have any recipes or tips and tricks for bread making? I don't have an oven in my apartment so sadly that's not an option for me 😔

Without an oven, a bread machine is a great acquisition! You can often also make rice, oatmeal, and sometimes even yogurt in a bread machine, depending on the model. If the machine didn't come with a manual, try googling for it, or googling the model name and "recipes" to see what else people have done with theirs. It's great you bought KA flour, because materials really do make the difference -- good flour and yeast are key. Freshness can matter with yeast so buy something with a long expiration date, and keep the yeast somewhere cool, dry, and dark.

For bread making, there are two main things I always think about: you are nurturing yeast, which is a living thing, and you're forming gluten (presumably, if you're not cooking gluten-free). The yeast wants to have food and be warm, so you want to use pretty warm water (most machine recipes say something very specific like 115-125F or similar, but it should be warmer than your skin and not so hot it hurts your skin, that's how I measure it). Sugar helps feed yeast, so often there will be sugar or honey in a recipe even if it's not a "sweet" bread. If you're using older yeast, adding a bit more sugar can help it work. Meanwhile, protein helps support gluten formation, so milk or milk powder are common ingredients often listed as optional but which are very helpful. If you have a stove, you can even make milk bread, which is one of the best, fluffiest kinds -- google "hokkaido milk bread" for recipes. Nearly any bread recipe that doesn't have a super long rise or need to be shaped can be made in a bread machine, but often (especially on the King Arthur site) a recipe will include special tips for adjusting it for a machine.

Specifically for bread machines, the bread can stay warm in the pan for a bit, but the longer it cools in the pan the more likely it is to form condensation, which leads to moisture on the surface of the crust in contact with the metal. That dries out pretty quickly if you leave it out for a bit, but moisture reduces the shelf life of homemade bread a LOT (moisture feeds mold). Your best bet is to remove the bread as soon as it's cool enough to handle -- it used to be the hardest part of making machine bread was getting it out of the damn pan, but they may have gotten better since I had one -- and wrap it in a tea towel or leave it out to cool completely before putting it in a package of some kind. I used to keep mine in the fridge because without preservatives it can mold quickly. These days most breads I bake included a few spoonfuls of King Arthur Bread and Cake Enhancer, which is a mild preservative and worth every penny -- it makes the bread softer, with better crumb, and it stays good for longer. There are other brands you can get cheaper on amazon, probably, but I've only ever used KA so I can't speak to their efficacy. It's generally not sold in stores.

Okay, two last things: one, I always put the bread machine on the floor when I was making bread in it, because it rocks back and forth a bit when kneading and I have had machines "walk" off the counter before. The floor or a wide table are best. Two, bread is difficult and even a machine for making it isn't perfect, so you may fail when you first start out. Even if you don't fail the first time, you may not get a good loaf at some point, and that's the nature of yeasted breads. Don't take it personally -- and don't give up! After a while, you start to notice if something seems "off" but it takes time to learn that sense.

Happy baking! I hope it goes well for you.

[why-animals-do-the-thing]

California zoo accessibility data dump

I just recently got back from a short (and fully covid-cautious) zoo road trip in Oregon and California, and wanted to share my notes re: accessibility at the facilities I visited. I'll get this all integrated into the spreadsheet, too.

Wildlife Safari - Winston, Oregon

This is a large drive-thru safari park with a free walk-about area attached that contains some small exhibits. Guests stay inside their cars the entire drive-thru, although there's at least one place to stop and sit in a gazebo to rest and use the bathroom (porta-potty only). You can pull over to watch animals for longer, and go through multiple times if you missed anything. It's a long drive-thru and there isn't really a good way to truncate the experience if you've got some kind of emergency. The roads are not flat, but they're well maintained and not bumpy.

The walkabout area is very small and contains bathrooms, food options, and other guest services. The paths are mostly concrete and well tended, although you do have to cross the steam train tracks to get to lion/some of the lemur viewing. I believe the Australia walkabout area was also unpaved. There's lots of parking in a big, flat, paved lot.

Sacramento Zoo - Sacramento, CA

This is a very cute, small inner-city facility - a good option if you don't want to try to walk a huge zoo in one day. There's lots of shade from all the plants and a good amount of benches throughout, including picnic tables with shade canopies. The paths are almost entirely flat and paved, with the exception of a boardwalk ramp up to the giraffe feeding and okapi viewing platforms. The cafe has gluten-free and vegetarian listings (maybe vegan?) on their menu. No straws are provided for animal safety, but if you need one, they can give you a reusable curly-straw from the slushies (kinda long and awkward for a normal cup) as an accommodation. They've got both water fountains and water bottle filling stations. Being build in a larger city park and recreation complex, there isn't a dedicated parking lot just for the zoo: the closest is across the street, shared with another attraction, and is kinda small. I've never had issues finding parking when I've gone, but sometimes it does involve a bunch of walking to get to the zoo entrance - if you have mobility or stamina limitations, probably best to get dropped off at the entrance and wait (there are benches).

San Francisco Zoo - San Francisco, CA

The SF Zoo is huge. There's lots of green / garden / swamp space that doesn't have habitats in it, but it means exhibits can be pretty far away, so plan your route accordingly. (Going out to the grizzly bears is the longest loop). Depending on the time of day, there's not always a ton of shade for guests either. There's a decent amount of benches, and quite a few are in decent proximity to animal viewing. After a somewhat long but not steep hill right at the entrance, the paths are all paved and fairly flat. There's a hill going down into/up from the Australia area / kids playground, but it's the only one I really noticed. There's a long elevated boardwalk through the lemur habitats that connects to the top of the new Madagascar construction - if you can't do stairs, as of Spring 2024, that's the only way to get up there to look down on the mandrills or see the top of the fossa habitat. (It's still under construction, so there might be an elevator in the building in the future). Back by the grizzlies, there's an old indoor rainforest building - while there's buttons to automatically open the door going in, I didn't find any on the first inside door going out. It makes sense they don't want both doors to open at once since it's a bird airlock, but not having independent ones on each door meant the day I used an ECV I got stuck in there until a nice staff member noticed.

All three times I've ever been to SF most of the little food kiosks haven't been open, and the vending machines for drinks have been hit and miss - so bring your own, or stock up at the cafe if you need to have supplies with you - but there are water fountains and water bottle filling stations around the zoo. There are interpretive audio boxes through the zoo in English and Spanish, used with a key you get at the entrance(?), but I heard a lot of complaints in passing about some of them not working. There's lots of parking at the zoo in a flat paved lot, and there's a specific dropoff area on one side for rideshares/mobility needs.

Oakland Zoo - Oakland, CA

To be clear up front - Oakland was the hardest facility to visit on this whole trip, with regards to mobility. We went twice, and I used an ECV (electric scooter) one and walked the other. Neither option was easy and both were exhausting. Oakland is a super hilly facility - you basically have to drive up a major hill to get to the zoo. The bottom half of the lower zoo can only be reached by going down pretty steep paths. The hills are also not graded to be "flat", so if you're in a wheelchair or ECV, you're going to have to lean to compensate for the tilt and balance the chair... while controlling it going down a steep hill. It's exhausting and kinda scary. (I don't even let other people carry my camera because $$, but I had to ask for help so I could focus on driving the ECV on those hills). There's also a lot of areas of the pathways that are not in the best repair, or patterned with pressed-in images, and multiple places actually have brass bugs embedded in the pavement so that they stick out above the surface. Lots of tripping hazards and/or things to rattle your teeth out rolling over. A couple places in the upper zoo (the California wilds area) the paths switch from paved to sand and back again, for drainage, maybe? On the upside, there's a lot of benches everywhere, including directly across from prime viewing areas.

Getting up to the upper zoo requires using a gondola - there's no walking option. You can actually take wheelchairs and ECVs on these, but you have to be ready to advocate for yourself. Normally, they don't stop the carriages completely, and expect people to walk on while they're still moving slowly. You can ask them to slow them down for you (I did, because knee issues plus torque is bad), or stop it completely if you need the time/help. When I took an ECV on, they had me disembark and get in one carriage, and they loaded it into the subsequent ones. This is fine because I can walk and stand on concrete for a while without it, but I'm not sure how that practice would work for people who need their mobility aids the whole time. They were very nice about managing the stopping and the loading and didn't make it feel like an imposition, too. If they stop the carriages completely at any point, there will be a loud buzzer/alarm when the ride starts back up. If you're close, it's pretty loud and startling. As they leave the track at the bottom the gondolas tip and dip a little, which can be scary if you're not expecting it - I think it's just the transition of the car from the loading bay onto the track itself. The rest of the ride is very smooth. The track is pretty high up and gives a great view of the bay and the surrounding cities, but face uphill if you don't do well with heights. Once at the upper zoo, the path from bald eagles through jaguar is mostly a boardwalk, but it's not too bumpy.

Oakland's parking is hard if you're not there early in the day, IMO. The overflow parking gets pretty far from the entrance, and starts to go up the hill towards the upper zoo. If the lot looks busy, drop anyone with mobility/stamina issues off at the entrance before parking. Unlike many other zoos I've visited, Oakland's ECVS have added sunshades, which is really nice (and which I should have used).

Monterey Zoo - Salinas, CA

This is a fairly small facility with most habitats on one level, but some big cats and bears are up a pretty big hill. The walkways are paved and flat, and there's an ADA-graded boardwalk ramp that takes you to the top of the hill. The pipes used for the handrails on both the stairs and the ramp get very hot in the sun, however. There's a boardwalk up to the rhino overlook. They indicate that their bathrooms are accessible, but the ones in the main building didn't have bars for transferring - I didn't check the ones up on the hill. At one point in the day speakers along the path started playing really loud pop music (drowned out the birds) and it was very overwhelming. There's lots of handicapped parking spots across from the front entrance, but if you don't have a tag, the rest of the spots are up a bit of a hill and a small walk from the entrance. They do have a note, though, that they can help if you need accessible parking and don't see any, so you could probably call/have someone to go in and ask for an accommodation.

Sequoia Park Zoo - Eureka, CA

This is another nice small facility, very doable for a half-day trip. The paths are paved and flat, and there's benches available. There's a lot of shade, although it can depend on the time of day, and places to fill a water-bottle. The sky-walk through the redwoods is accessible, but might be a little difficult depending on mobility limitations - its' a very sturdy boardwalk through the canopy of the tall trees. (I had more thoughts on this from my last visit, I'll dig out those notes). If you can do even part of it, it's worth it, and there's places to turn around. Because it's in a residential area of the town there's not a huge dedicated parking lot, but lots of street parking and a decent lot directly across the street. I've never had difficulty finding parking, and you can drop people off at the entrance easily.

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love (feel free to ignore if you've already done this or don't feel like it!)

Oh hi! And thanks to @hipsterdiva for the tag. I can't wait to see what y'all's answers to this question are!

I feel like I have done this before but jeeebus I have a shit ton of fics.

The Charming Man

I actually really like the Charming Man. My spy fic! Not to give away the plot twist. But. It's not a very subtle plot twist.

Summary:

Tldr: Steve has an eventful three weeks.

Longer version: Steve Rogers is quite happy with his pleasantly simple life working as a graphic designer, chatting with his best friend Sam who has the desk next to his, eating the same gluten free sandwich for lunch every day, and staring out his office window hoping to catch a glimpse of The Charming Man walking by.

Unpredictable Synchronicity

Ugh Supreme Court fantasy fic. What does it say about me that I wrote a Supreme Court fantasy fic?

Summary:

Bucky is a civil rights attorney and Steve is Captain America and they both are busy with their important careers and they are also both VERY HANDSOME and competent and should definitely kiss. But will they kiss?

Backhoe

This is my darling.

Summary:

Steve Rogers is a seasoned activist and not at all afraid to get arrested while protesting the building of a pipeline. HOWEVER he is TERRIFIED when he realizes he’ll be chained to the same backhoe as Bucky “very handsome southern boy who also plays guitar and struts like a panther in his very tight, worn thin blue jeans” Barnes. Our brave, tiny Steve will find out once and for all: Can you catch on fire from blushing over your crush?

Take Me Anywhere

Ahhh Bucky ballet dancer, my beloved.

Summary:

"If you can't laugh and be sexy what are you even doing, sweetheart," Bucky drawls back. And that's probably when Steve falls in love with Bucky. Unfortunately it is also their first hookup.

That's only four, but. I'm tired.