/// triggering stuff
awesome to still have people treat me like i'm supposed to be a built in caretaker, first for my grandma and now for my mom
but yeah, my aunt is totally right about me, i am just worthless and "do nothing all day" and "never help" and there's no point in me even continuing to exist when i'm just a stupid waste, right?
there's no reason why i shouldn't just die already, i don't know why i even bother, i'm not happy when i wake up, i've already been deemed a lost cause by the mental health professionals who have seen me, i'm a trainwreck, all i'm doing is extending my misery the more time i spend existing.
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I think that the 2010's media landscape of Buzzfeed articles about plotholes in disney movies, Cinemasins critiques, and Watchmojo Top Ten scenes in movies that make no sense has truely ruined a lot of media. People are afraid that their work will be torn down if they dare leave a single thing up in the air, if they dare ask their audience to suspend their disbelief.
All too often nowadays I see stories (especially fantasy), take the time to explain how every small aspect of the world works and how it all logically makes sense. The constant time stopped to explain why an event happened, how this object works, or why this is important to the characters. It's just really not needed and it honestly makes a lot of stories worse.
I am of the opinion that the best stories truly just drop you into their world and explain nothing. They just take you through the story of this world and you just have to accept it and continue on. "When he became king, the land became barren." I don't want the story to stop and explain why this is, or how it happened, I want us to move on so we can just assume that the king has such rancid vibes that everything died.
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Can we talk about mitsuham I think we should talk about mitsuham yes I’d like that very much
Imagine Mitsuru her life has been planned out for her by a bunch of men her choices are not hers to make every move is political she is nothing but a tool forced to fight as a child never allowed to burden anyone with her feelings. Her life isn’t hers, it’s never been hers for a second, she exists to further the careers of the men around her. The first two friends she makes are both boys and she was in charge of leading them, using them just to further the Kirijo agenda. Genuine friendship did blossom between them, but things fell apart pretty quickly. Shinjiro can’t control Castor, something is seriously wrong with him, he kills someone, then he leaves and the Kirijos cover it up. Was it to protect him, or to protect themselves? Mitsuru certainly doesn’t know anymore but she’s lost a friend and can’t reach him again, he’s too traumatized by personas and Akihiko is still there but he’s always so stuck on Shinjiro and Mitsuru feels like she failed both of them. Just more men for her to let down by not being good enough
Then there’s Kotone. Sweet, strong, clumsy, talented Kotone. She’s so bubbly and friendly, but behind those warm smiles is horrible loneliness. Pain. But she’s never ever gonna let anyone see that. She busies herself by taking care of everyone else, listening to their problems and never burdening them with her own feelings. She can just fix everything and make everyone happy if she works herself hard enough. She just has this way about her, so reliable and so kind
And Mitsuru watches Kotone from above. Trusts her to be the leader, or maybe she just wanted to push a burden onto someone else for a change. Someone who’s able to take on burdens with a smile for fucks sake. And Kotone leads, seemingly effortlessly, and is able to recruit several members in a short time and achieve just so much more than Mitsuru could in her entire lifetime. Just, perfectly. Without even possessing any prior knowledge of the dark hour or personas. And she does this while being so emotional, so social, so weird, so fucking cute, it’s absolutely nauseating. This should be fine, right? It’s what Mitsuru’s always wanted, for someone else to ease her burden. And hell, it’s a woman too, a woman who’s perfectly capable of doing it all without a bunch of men helping her. It’s inspiring, isn’t it?
But there’s the pain. The envy. Kotone is perfect and she doesn’t even have to try. Mitsuru on the other hand has been shaving herself down to nothing just to be allowed a place. She makes the perfect grades and wears the beautiful clothes and applies the fucking makeup and is mature for her age and never speaks out or feels anything that could possibly make her be seen as a human, a filthy fucking human. So why does a woman as unashamed as Kotone get to have it all? And why is Mitsuru still here, still acting as the Kirijo tool, still doing whatever she possibly can to hurt herself to make a man feel better? Why isn’t she useful anywhere? It’s not fair
And then when she actually spends the time with Kotone she’s trying so hard to be that wise and mature figure she’s always been, trying so hard to force herself to smile through the pain, but she’s talking to someone who can see right through that shit cuz Kotone Shiomi invented lying through her teeth to make others feel better. It’s annoying really, how Kotone is supposed to be the childish one, yet it’s Mitsuru who can’t get it together and can’t seem to look into those bright eyes without breaking. And Kotone isn’t disgusted by what she sees, even though Mitsuru is being unreasonable and emotional and talking about wanting to run away and how much she hates her life and how she’s not only eating fast food but enjoying it, letting herself enjoy an indulgence that won’t make her pretty anymore. No, Kotone sees this and listens and encourages it and celebrates it, celebrates how utterly human Mitsuru is. She holds her hand and says "let me take on your burden". And it’s horrible, this kindness, Mitsuru hasn’t even broken all her bones to make Kotone happy, so why is she being so fucking nice? And then something breaks, and Kotone defends her. Stands up for her against a man. Lets herself once again take a hit to protect someone else. And it’s just too familiar, too much to fucking bear, and it pisses Mitsuru the fuck off. And she is able to tell a man to go fuck himself, because no one gets to fucking talk to this girl like she isn’t the most amazing person ever to exist. Not after everything she’s done, everything she still does, not after giving her all and never once asking for anything in return. And in standing up for Kotone, Mitsuru is able to stand up for herself for the first time in her life. And she looks at Kotone and says "let’s take on each other’s burdens"
Oh and also they watch a scary movie together and hold hands and ride a motorcycle and Mitsuru calls Kotone adorable I mean that’s pretty gay man
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Soulmates AU in which your soul is bounded to your soulmate's soul.
What does that mean exactly? That when you die, if your soulmate is still alive you can't move on. Instead your soul is stuck by your soulmate's side until they die too, so the two souls can become one in death. Depending on how strong the bond between the two is, one could see (and even interact!) with their deceased soulmate.
Now this but, you know by now, JeanMarco. With Marco waking up and the first thing he saw was Jean's terrified face while looking at the dead body- Marco's half eaten dead body. He learns it pretty quickly that he can't leave Jean's side, bound to follow his best friend around. He also learns that is possible for Jean to see and hear him during the ceremony of burning the fallen soldiers during Trost ; it lasted so little, too little for all the things Marco wanted to say. If he knew Jean was listening from the beginning, he would've started with exposing Reiner and Berthold right away. By the time he took notice that not only Jean was looking at him, but listening too, it was too late. Every other word from him was meet with silence, unheard by the living.
Isn't until the 57th expedition outside the walls that Marco learns that he can interact with Jean too, touch him. In his panic after Jean's failed attack on the Female Titan Marco didn't think and went straight to his best friend's side, touching his shoulder while looking for any injuries. Jean's eyes went straight to the place Marco's was touching, looking confused- until he followed the arm and saw Marco in front of his very own eyes. And just like everything, it lasted too little for Marco's liking. The Female Titan took hold of Reiner, crushing him in her hand, and Jean could no longer see him.
It was later, much much later than either of them would've liked, for Marco to understand how everything works. To know that he could only interact with Jean when his mind was filled with thoughts of Marco. By then Jean already began to move on, the secret of Reiner and Berthold's true selves already out. So Marco could only watch, unable to be there for his other half- for Jean.
And it was when they saw the ocean for the first time that Marco understood why he was truly stuck by Jean's side. When he saw his best friend having fun with the others and realized just how much he loves him. When he realizes that all he truly wants is to be by Jean's side, the way they promised each other to do during their training days.
Edit : Think of Ben and Klaus Hargreeves for easier visual.
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brief untethered post re: in from the cold 'cause i'm thinking abt autonomy again and about how ilya separates from himself under extreme duress already - serious problem after the banquet in arr and throughout hw, but culminating in sb specifically re: why and how he's so capable of real extreme acts of violence without really... settling to acknowledge them until much, much later. like he knows, but that knowledge hasn't ever settled physically in his body so if/when he feels that trauma he tends to feel it kind of all at once. anyway, forced very literally to come to terms with All That because zenos, the embodiment of all he's refusing to acknowledge inside of himself, understands him in a way he's never understood himself is so, so much.
and there's no real relief in succeeding, right, because that wasn't really the point, and he's just like. stuck in his body, this thing that begets nothing but violence and blood and hurt, and he's kinda just got to. live with that, lmao. despite everything it's still you ass moment.
so he goes home, because instead of actually dealing with all that all he can think about is fray, and ishgard, and the baffling black heart of him all wrapped up the first place he felt all the blood was worth something.
and it was worth something at all because of aymeric. like, he struggles to admit it but every time he ends up back there, almost always so far out of his way it'needing someone else who sees past all of the blood he's spilled to remind him of what else his body is for.
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