#TUMBLR WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUUU

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

TUMBLR WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARCHIVE

[inyoursheets]

7 17 36!

7. what was your life like last year? 

(jason mendoza voice) well, my year started about a year ago. it was probably one of the most interesting years of my life so far? maybe the hardest, idk? a lot happened, i think i did a lot of Growing UpTM. i was very very busy at first with my research masters and a bunch of extracurricular bullshit and then something happened in my family that forced us all to spend more time together, which made me realize a lot of things about myself and my family, and then, after debating it for months, i moved to the uk -- which turned out to be a great decision. i had such a good time and it gave me a sense of perspective and space that i didn’t know i needed. and i dated for the first time in ever, which was also fun! am totally not yearning/wondering about what could have been! nope! haha! ha! ha

17. opinion on insecurities. 

insecurities are dumb and u shouldn’t have them. jk! false! it’s very normal to have insecurities! we are taught to be insecure about so many things in so many ways, to a point where it can feel unnatural to not be insecure about xyz thing! ppl will even attack you for not being insecure about certain things, probs bc it increases their own insecurity levels and/or threatens power hierarchies! many insecurities are connected to social axes such as race, class, gender, sexuality, size, dis/ability, religion -- and then you throw capitalism into the mix and now we’ve got a bunch of industries specifically designed to profit off of our insecurities! good times!

my conclusion, as a fat woman, is that people (and billion dollar industries such as the diet industry and the cosmetics industry) don’t actually want me to love my body, or myself. they don’t! they want me to be insecure and self-conscious and ashamed about my size, they want to to act out a specific role, that of the insecure fat girl, and inhabit and carry my body in specific ways, bc if i’m confident and don’t feel ashamed of my size, the world will crumble! if fat isn’t actually morally inferior/ugly/worthless/lazy/etc. then thin people would have to face the reality that all the time and energy they put in trying not to look like me is for nought! there’s lots more here to unpack and i feel like im not wording these things right and all of these things are so complicated and cannot be divorced from other issues such as racism and sexism and capitalism, but here’s a start.

my point is -- insecurities suck, they’re usually based on lies people and, more importantly, institutions and industries try to sell you, and i wish for everybody that they will one day know what it feels like to no longer have those insecurities -- and it’s completely normal to have them. there is no shame in having insecurities! it’s very hard to not buy into them. you have to put in so much conscious effort and energy into ridding yourself of insecurities that you’ve had for a lifetime -- and even then, it’s not a static thing. it’s not just a question of simply ‘changing your mind’ when the majority of society disagrees with you, when they don’t want you to gain confidence. some days im like: fuck fatphobia! im hot as fuck! also my worth is not defined by my looks so it doesn’t even matter! and then two hours later i’ll go outside and get fatcalled, or catcalled, or i’ll see my body in the reflection of a window, and suddenly my whole resolve crumbles, even tho i know on an intellectual level that it’s not true, the lie that i’m about to give into. it’s not easy. it’s not a matter of flicking a switch, even tho i sincerely wish it was. something that does help, or at least it did for me, is learning how those bigger systems, such as fatphobia, racism, colorism, misogyny, transphobia, are at work. this helps to see that it is not you, individually, who is lacking something or doing something wrong. there are entire institutions and industries who contribute to you feeling this way -- and profit off it (wow look at me, writing my thesis one tumblr ask at a time!)

37. favourite actor/actress 

oh!!!!! viola davis! sandra oh bc she carried grey’s anatomy, no questions at this time ty! christine baranski bc mamma mia! the good wife! a bad moms christmas!!!!! i desperately want her in more comedies! kathryn hahn, who, i kid you not, is always the funniest person in a movie, no matter how small her role is! also, melissa mccarthy, kate mckinnon, retta, and of course, the only man worthy of mention, manny montana. i watch in amazement how he portrays rio. this man.......amazing.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? 

......................ok so i just realized you asked 36 instead of 37, damn it! im not even gonna delete that, they’re all too amazing for me to do that, soz. as for the dreams -- loving myself! writing a book (or, finishing a story that could be a book)! sucking it up and getting the bisexual nose piercing like i know i want to!

thank youuuuuuuu!!!! nice asks to help me procrastinate <3